#like if people knew I have survivor's guilt and started making everything about me related to my trauma i would go crazy

[morangoowada]

If the only remarks you have to say about Mondo are things related to his trauma, specially if it's treating him like he's guilty of it, you should probably shut the fuck up. /srs

[minevn]

How would they react if Mc was killed?

AAAAA ANGST.

TW SUICIDE AND MURDERING

EXTRA warning: I think I went a little ham with this one, like the thought processes are more unwell in this then my typical yandere posts I feel like. So if HEAVY suicidal thoughts/actions or death or survivors guilt or ANYTHING relating to death or the feelings that might come with death are triggering to you, PLEASE don't read it. messed me up a lil bit LMAO I tired keeping these short but I may have gotten carried away, AGAIN

Minato:...How? He had tried so hard to check up on you often so something like this WOULDN'T happen. He promised to protect you. It's all his fault. It's his fault that you died. it's his fault because he couldn't protect you. He's useless. He doesn't deserve to be alive anymore because its HIS fault that you're dead. He can't do anything for the next month as he lets his anger fester. He'll find whoever killed you and make them SUFFER. He WILL find them, no matter what. After he kills whoever killed you, he'll live as long as his grandparents are alive so he can finish taking care of them, then he'll join you and you two can be together again in the afterlife.

Haruto: He's a mess without you. it's not even worth living, you're all he has, the only one who didn't add onto his pressure. He'll ask his connections to find out who murdered you. When they do Haruto is heading over quickly to get rid of them. He's going to torture them. How dare they even THINK about harming you let alone killing you. He'll find out who the murderers family is and kill them in front of the murderer. The murderer took away Haruto's most precious so now he'll take away all of the murderer's before killing the murderer. Haruto got his revenge for your murder but the killer will never get his revenge, and something about that satisfies Haruto. He'll go to your grave or ern or wherever your remains are and kill himself next to you.

Jun: Starts sobbing and runs to you when she sees you. She refuses to let go of your body. If the police or ambulance try to take you away Jun will scream at them to let go and not be so rough with you. Aki will have to come and pull Jun off of you. Jun can't take this cruel and awful world anymore. She's tried so hard to stay positive and be nice, but no more. Jun can't do anything anymore because everything reminds her of you. She hates talking to people now and gets snappy with them. He's trying to stay strong for his sister but he just CAN'T. He's tired. He thinks she'll join you.

Hoshi: no no NO! You were one of the only people he trusted, someone who was kind and patient with him, someone who accepted him, why did YOU have to die? It should've been him. Someone as pure and kindhearted as you shouldn't have been taken away. He'll isolate himself. Now he really doesn't want to get close to another person, he won't EVER allow himself to. The rare times he does come out of his room he'll do things he used to do for you, like get two glasses of water because he knew you struggled taking care of yourself, or do the laundry so he can not only ease some of your stress but also get praise. and then he'll remember you aren't there, it hits him like a truck, continuously running him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. No matter how much time passes it doesn't get better like people say it will, they will NEVER understand what it's like losing someone THAT important to you. He can't do it anymore.

Habiki: Despises all of the condolences he gets. He hates how fake they all sound, he hates being reminded, hates the fact that those people probably think it'll ALLLLLL get better now, IT WON'T! like their words mean something. It's all just pity to try and make themselves seem like the better person, no one gave a shit about him before but now that you're gone NOOOOOW they care, it's all bullshit. After he met you his dreams all included you, but now you aren't here. You helped him be someone he liked better, you wormed your way into his heart just to be taken away. You promised you wouldn't leave him, but you did. Even if he were to find out who killed you what would it change? Nothing! Because no matter what you AREN'T. COMING. BACK. Gives up on everything. He KNOWS you'd be disappointed in him for starting back at square one after all the progress and hours you put it thawing out his cold heart, but he can't help it. He thinks he would be happier if he joined you.

Kage: First his parents and now you? He's paranoid that his older brother is going to be taken away next. He doesn't want to lose anyone else. He isolates himself that way he loses any connection he had with people, just in case they died too. Every second of the day he's sobbing. He knows he can't do anything for revenge either, but he hopes the murderer suffers. He can't stop doing things that remind him of you, it's torture, but he physically can't stop. Even more now, you're the only thing on his mind. You'd usually be here to comfort him. He still sees and hears you, every time he thinks you've come back but then you leave him again. He's plagued by nightmares from now on. He was already suicidal before but your death is what tips him over the edge. Maybe now you'll stop disappearing.

Kei: He feels numb. He hasn't cried yet, hasn't processed the fact that you're really gone. It comes slowly, but when it does it comes and hits him hard. Everyday for months he starts crying. He swears to find out who did this to you and get revenge, and he does. He finds them easily and takes care of them. But now what? He doesn't feel better. He just feels more guilty because he knows that's not what you wanted. He can't sleep because every time he closes his eyes he sees you, he'll flood himself with work to try not to think about you, but you've been plaguing his mind ever since high school, it won't be easy to just forget you. So instead he embraces it, and joins you, hoping that there's an afterlife.

Yani: Goes on a killing spree. the ONE person who accepted him, wanted to HELP them be a better person, CARED for them, was murdered. He KNOWS no one will love him the way you do and so he kills people, what's the point? Besides even if someone else liked her now, she wouldn't accept. The main reason being she's devoted to you. The authorities could try to stop it's murderous rampage but will just end up dying in the process. Yani kills well over 100 people in the span of an hour, and she doesn't plan on stopping till everyone in the area is dead, that way she can be sure she got your murderer. The universe won't stop her from seeing and being with you though, death cannot separate her from you, she's joining you, wherever you are.

Aki: You were her best friend and soulmate. Aki changes drastically, basically dressing up and acting like you. She WANTS you to be there near her. She knows it's not healthy, to cling to you this hard, but this is the only way she can think of to cope that isn't physically hurting herself. She tries, she tries so hard to stay alive for you, she knows you wouldn't want her to kill herself. That's the only reason why she goes on, but...it's getting harder. The countless breakdowns, the one where you can't breathe, can't suppress your sobs, the one that feels like your heart is actually being shattered and your brain feels like it's about to explode, the one where you think you'll ACTUALLY die it hurts that bad. She tried getting help, but it feels like no amount of help will ever heal the wounds. She could stay alive for 15 years longer and it hurts just as much as it did the day it happened, it doesn't get better, nor does it get easier, it just gets worse and worse for some people until they can't take it anymore.

[lordofthenerds97]

Wasting Away: Chapter 3

Rating: M for eventual chapters, mild cursing, and nonexplicit sexual content Pairing: Eddie x Reader, Past Billy x Reader, and onesided Steve x Reader if you squint Summary: You were broken. Falling apart. Trying to put yourself back together. Whatever the hell they wanted to call it. All you knew was you were hurting. The Upside Down had been the bane of your existence for a long time. But now you had a reason to hate it. Will your hatred be enough to help take down the latest in a long line of monsters? TW FOR THIS CHAPTER: •Brief flashback(s) •Talk of Survivor's Guilt •Talk of 80's mental health "fixes" and views •Mentions of domestic abuse •Brief talk of fatal car accident, not graphic •Mentions of drug use •Emotional overload Masterlist

Sleep my friend, and you will see 

The dream is my reality 

They keep me locked up in this cage 

Can’t they see it’s why my brain says rage? 

Metallica blasted through the headphones on your Walkman as you headed into the hell hole known as Hawkins High. You gripped the strap of your bag until your knuckles turned white. 

Build my fear of what’s out there 

Cannot breathe the open air 

Whisper things into my brain 

Assuring me that I’m insane

You closed your eyes as the lyrics hit your ears. It was one of Billy’s favorite albums. Listening to it without him seemed like a sin…

They think our heads are in their hands 

But violent use brings violent plans 

Keep him tied, it makes him well 

He’s getting better, can’t you tell? 

A pang stabbed through you as James’ voice thundered in the headphones. The more you listened to the song, the more you realized how much you related to the lyrics. 

You felt like a headcase ever since you started seeing Allie. Very few people, aside from your parents, knew that you were trying to get help dealing with your problems. If anyone did, they’d probably try to get you committed. 

“Cheer up, trouble. They’ll have to get through me if they want to take you to a Sanitarium.” 

You snorted. “You’re just looking for an excuse to take your shirt off and get in a fight.” 

When you opened your eyes again, you were face to face with Eddie. “Billy-“ you gasped, stumbling backwards. His eyes held the same mischief, his quirked up smile promising the same threat of an adventure. 

“Woah, woah, easy there chica.” His hands shot out and grabbed your arms. 

Your eyes went wide as he touched you. “Eddie-“ 

“That’s me. The one and only.” he said gently, examining you closely. 

You allowed him to steady you before you took a shuddering deep breath and pulled the headphones off. He raised an eyebrow as he recognized the sound of the guitar blasting from the headset. 

“Didn’t take you for a Metallica fan, sweetheart.” 

“It was Billy’s favorite…” you said quietly. Your hands shook as you once again grabbed the strap of your bag, using it as an anchor.

He could tell by the look on your face that you were treading on rocky ground. “Shit. I’m sorry, sweetheart.” 

You shook your head. “It’s fine-“ 

He gave you a pointed look. “Deep breath for me, princess. Cant start the day like this, can we?” 

You followed his request, allowing your lungs to fill with air before slowly exhaling and trying to calm yourself down. “Thanks. I’m sorry I called you Billy…you remind me a lot of him.” 

Eddie shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’ll take the compliment.” he said with a grin. “I take it the two of you were close?” 

You nodded with a quiet sigh. “He was…well, my everything, to be honest.” You hadn’t openly talked about Billy in a long time. You felt your throat close up slightly at the thought. But honestly, it felt good. “He promised me after I graduated that we would move to California.” A soft smile spread across your face as you remembered that conversation. “And that he’d teach me how to surf.” 

Eddie smiled. “He sounds like a cool dude.” 

“Did you know him?” 

He shrugged. “In passing, more than anything. He hit me up once or twice.” 

That didn’t surprise you. Before the two of you had gotten together, Billy was a wreck. He was willing to do almost anything to numb the pain he felt. 

“I almost did too…” you admitted sheepishly, looking at the ground. 

“Whaaaa?” he asked, his eyes going wide. 

You looked up at him, afraid you’d offended him. But you could tell by the look on his face that he was teasing you. So, you managed a smile. “Yeah. You were a lot scarier then.” 

He scoffed, crossing his arms. “Says the badass.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Claims the dealer.” 

Eddie laughed at that. “Fair point, sweetheart.” Then his eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t strike me as the type to go that hard.” 

You gave him a halfhearted shrug. “I’ve been through a lot.” 

He frowned at you. “You don’t seem like the kind of person to let that shit bother you.” 

“I was with him when he died.” you blurted out. 

Eddie’s eyes went wide and you couldn’t stop the words from coming. 

“There…there was so much blood. He tried to buy us time to get out. Everyone was everywhere and I couldn’t find him. When I finally did…that bastard!” Suddenly your eyes were filled with angry tears, and you slammed the side of your fist into your locker, making Eddie flinch slightly. Thankfully, not many other students were around to see the outburst, but the ones that were gave you a strange look and a wide berth. “He left me! That goddamn son of a bitch left me!” 

At this point, you were almost sobbing. Eddie reached for you and pulled you towards his chest, wrapping his arms around you. 

Without even thinking, you dropped your bag and fell into him. Sobs escaped you as you clung to him. 

You didn’t know what it was, but something about Eddie made you feel…safe. He was easy to talk to. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d willingly opened up to someone aside from Owens. Even Allie had to pry things out of you. But if you were being honest with yourself…it felt good to finally let go of some of the things you were thinking. Even if you hurled them at a complete stranger. Maybe, just maybe, that’s what you needed. 

“Sshh, it’s alright sweetheart.” 

He let you cry against him. The last thing you wanted was to start your morning with another breakdown. Maybe you really did need to spend some time in a psych ward…at least then you wouldn’t be embarrassing yourself all the time. 

“I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that.” 

You sniffled, pulling away from his embrace to look up at him. There was nothing but sympathy and concern in his face, which surprised you. There was no judgement, no disgust. “I’m sorry…” you muttered, looking back at the ground. “I promise this isn’t really how I like to get to know someone.” You tried to joke and managed to make yourself smile. 

Eddie laughed. “Trust me, sweetheart. You’re doing better than most. Half the population won’t even get near me.” 

You used the sleeve that was wrapped around your wrist to dab at your eyes and face, trying to rid yourself of the irritating tears. 

“Tell you what, sweetheart. You look like you could use an ice cream.” 

Your brows furrowed. “At 7:45 in the morning?” 

“Uhhhhhhh, yeah!” he said with a no-shit-sherlock face. “There’s never a bad time for ice cream.”

His expression made you smile again. 

“So let’s ditch this place and go do something to raise those spirits and bring that smile back.” 

*~*~*~* 

Eddie was something else. 

That’s really the only way you could describe him. 

And when you told him he wasn’t anything like you were expecting, that was the truth. He always put on this bad boy persona (much like Billy, so one would think you could see through the act by now), tried to be an ass, and made it a point to appear ✨scary✨. Thinking about it now, as you sat on top of a picnic table sipping on a chocolate shake, you scolded yourself for not making friends with him sooner. You were pretty sure Billy would have really liked him.

In a lot of ways, he reminded you of Billy. He loved music, he smoked too much, and he had a kind heart. Just watching him try different things to cheer you up was entertaining. Even Dustin couldn’t make you smile as much as Eddie was. You’d laughed with him more than you had in a long time. He was a complete stranger that had showed you kindness and wanted to help you. And you were still surprised at the fact that someone outside your small group of friends seemed to actually care about you. 

“So what do you say, sweetheart?” 

“Hm?” you responded, absentmindedly slurping on the sugary shake. 

His shoulders slumped. “Have you not been listening?” 

Your cheeks burned red immediately. You had a bad habit of zoning off when people were talking. It wasn’t that you meant to, it was just something that sort of happened. 

“I’m sorry,” you said sheepishly. 

“Oh!” Eddie suddenly clutched at his chest, falling backwards and onto the bench behind him. For a moment, panic gripped your heart. You set the shake to the side and made a move to get up and go to him before his voice brought you back to reality when you were on your feet. “You wound me, sweetheart.” 

You glared at him for a moment before it relaxed into a smile. “Don’t do that!” you scolded. You meant it to be teasing, but your tone was sharper than you intended. 

His smile faded slightly. “Did that trigger you?” 

You thought for a moment. “Sort of…” You trailed off as your heart suddenly sped up tenfold as adrenaline flooded your body.

The mouth that had originally attacked Billy had pulled back, almost as if it were watching as the rest of its companions did the worst of the work. And when Billy was on his knees, it slammed forward and buried itself in his chest. 

You recoiled, flinching back. Eddie was immediately on his feet, hands out and ready to steady you. 

You reached out, latching onto him. “Sorry,” you gasped, closing your eyes. “Flashbacks come at random times.” 

He hummed. “No apologizing, sweetheart. It’s not your fault.” 

He was quiet, letting you take your time in processing what your mind was replaying, unbidden. You tried to force the memory away, shutting it behind a door and shoving it closed.  He guided you back to the bench, gently pushing your shoulders to signal you to sit. 

“I’m okay,” you said slowly, taking a deep breath.

He grinned at you. “Look at that! You stopped the panic, sweetheart.”

“Sometimes I can. Sometimes it’s just so overwhelming that everything just…explodes.” you explained.  

He nodded. “My younger sister had panic attacks. Docs couldn’t tell mom what was wrong.” 

You looked at him with curiosity. “You have a sister?” 

“Had, actually. She died in a car accident.” he said. 

You immediately tried to backpedal. “I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ 

“Sweetheart, stop apologizing. If I didn’t want to talk about her, I wouldn’t have brought her up.” he said, giving you a look. “Besides, you’re too much of a badass to apologize to anyone.” 

You snorted, rolling your eyes. The tension you were feeling suddenly eased as Eddie sat down on the bench beside you. He reached behind you, grabbing your forgotten shake and handing it to you. You accepted, nodding your thanks. 

“When we were kids, my dad was a douchebag. Abusive, ‘n shit. My mom took us and left. I think they got divorced, which is how I ended up with my Uncle after they died.” 

Sadness flared in you, your heart beginning to ache.

“Her name was Casey. When mom took us, Casey was ten and I was twelve. After getting away from our dad, Casey started really understanding what happened…and it screwed with her head. Started having panic attacks a year later. I was the only one that could calm her down, actually. Our mom tried her best, but she was trying to support two kids by herself. That meant working. A lot.” 

You listened quietly, not interrupting as Eddie told you about his past. 

“Anyways, when she was thirteen, she and mom were headed into town. Casey had a mean set of pipes on her.” He laughed, shaking his head. “She’d have made a great singer in Coffin. Well, she had a recital that night. They were headed to the school for their last rehearsal before it started. I was with Johnny, my best friend, and was supposed to meet them there before the recital. A trucker fell asleep at the wheel…crossed the road and hit them head on.” 

“Eddie…” 

“The paramedics said they were killed on impact. So at least they didn’t suffer. The next morning, my uncle showed up at Johnny’s house and told me I was gonna live with him. Moved to Hawkins a week later.” 

He had leaned back against the table, a lost look in his eyes. Not knowing what else to do, you set a hand on his arm. He looked up at you at the touch, smiling. 

“I’m-“ 

“I swear to god sweetheart, if you tell me you’re sorry-“ 

You cut him off with a laugh. “Honestly, Eddie. What else am I supposed to say?” 

He shrugged. “It was a long time ago.” 

“Doesn’t mean you can’t still hurt.” 

He tilted his head, giving you a thoughtful look.  “I guess you’re right. I kind of buried it…never really thought about it much.” 

You sighed. “That would be nice.” 

“What do you mean?” 

You sighed and finished off the last of your shake. “I think about it every day. I see it in my nightmares every night. The last memory of him I have…he told me he was sorry as he died. That was the last thing he said.” You shook your head, banishing the images once again. “I don’t want to think about it all the time.” 

Eddie nodded, knocking his shoulder into yours. “I was like that for a while. Couldn’t stop thinking I should have been in the car with them. That maybe if I was, things would be different, ya know?” 

“Allie calls it survivor’s guilt.” 

“Makes sense.” he said after a moment. “You see a shrink, huh?” 

You shrugged. “She’s…different. If I told any other doctor what I was feeling, they’d have me committed. Allie tries to help. She’s good at it, sometimes.” 

He chuckled. “Only sometimes?” 

You managed a smile. “I don’t always understand what she’s trying to tell me or how a treatment is supposed to work. But at least she hasn’t tried to fry my brain with electricity yet.” 

Eddie frowned. “Wait, they actually do that? I thought that was only in horror movies.” 

You laughed. “Sadly, yeah. They try to rewire your brain or some shit like that.” 

“I’m so glad I don’t have a shrink.” He looked back at you, a frown taking over. “You know, this whole outing was supposed to cheer you up, not turn into a downerfest.” 

“Actually, Eddie…” 

“Yeah?” 

You sighed and turned to face him, tucking one leg up under the other. “This is the most…real…I’ve been with anyone in a really long time. And I’ve enjoyed it. I don’t remember the last time I felt this much like myself.” 

He smiled. “I’m glad you feel better.” 

You grinned. “Thank you for this.” 

“Anytime, sweetheart.” 

You leaned against the table top, resting your fist against the side of your head. “Dustin would lose his shit if he saw me having an actual social interaction.” 

Eddie laughed. “That kid is something else. Really smart.”

“Oh, definitely. I’m not supposed to have favorites cause I love them all…but Dusty is my favorite.” you said with a grin. 

“How’d you end up with those kids, anyway?” 

“Oh god, is that a story.” 

He shrugged. “We got all day, sweetheart.” 

You chuckled, smiling at the memories you had with the Party. “I used to babysit Will when he was younger. Mike was the one that got into DnD first out of the kids, which I was already a huge fan of. We all bonded over the game, I guess. Max…she’s Billy’s step sister. Or, was I guess…she and I hit it off right away.” You laughed as the memory struck you. “Billy was not happy she was hanging out with me when we first met.” 

Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Really?” 

“Oh, he was pissed! I saw her with the party and wanted to introduce myself. He was supposed to drive her home and because she and I were talking, she was late getting to the parking lot.” 

“Where the hell have you been?!” 

“Billy, I-“ 

“I told you to be here as soon as school got out!” 

“She was with me, dickhead.” you spat out, glaring daggers at the blonde. “Pick on someone your own size.” 

Max looked up at you in shock, her eyes wide and mouth slightly open. 

“Wanna run that by me again, princess?” 

“I said, pick on someone your own size.” 

“What, meaning you?” 

“Oh, definitely not. Wouldn’t want to ruin your reputation?” 

“How so?” 

“By beating your ass into next week.” 

You shook your head, laughing. “The first time we met, he was in a pissy mood. Didn’t help that my smartass mouth was running itself off.” 

Eddie snorted. “That’ll get you into trouble.” 

“It did. That’s why he always called me trouble.” 

The two of you lapsed into a comfortable silence, neither seeing the need to fill it with any more conversation. What you said was true; you felt more like yourself than you had in a really long time. You weren’t sure if it was his easy going personality or the fact that he seemed to like you the way you were. You knew Dustin trusted him, which gave you some sense of the kind of person he was. Being yourself and talking about whatever came to mind felt so freeing. The fact he didn’t judge you was a huge help, especially since you now knew some of his background. 

His fingers tapped absentmindedly on the table, and your eyes were drawn to the multiple rings that adorned his fingers. You followed the line of his arm up to where you could see the blank ink of a tattoo. 

“Master of Puppets?” 

“Hm?” He turned to you, his expression neutral as he say your eyes fixed on the tattoo. 

“Metallica. Your tattoo?” 

“Oh, yeah.” he said. “I’m surprised you knew that.” 

You snorted and rolled your eyes. “Billy was the metalhead, but I know good music when I hear it.” 

Eddie grinned. “Badass, 2. Shy girl, 0.” 

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[tales-of-sweets]

Symphonia Thoughts Pt. 7

Thoughts under the cut as usual! 👇🏾

The Symphonia characters aren't the only ones going through developments. I hated Zelos from the moment I laid eyes on him but since last time I have started to genuinely like him for some reason or another. He doesn't annoy me as much as he used to and after seeing Lloyd call him out on hiding his feelings a few times in his skit point skits I've actually grown to appreciate him (love him even)^^ On a related note, I spent many many hours doing nothing but battling, cooking fried rice with bell peppers (which Colette doesn't like), then running back to the store until I had cooked it well over 700 times in total and finally got her out of first place and Zelos into first place. And I did this all for a few one off unimportant scenes, a singular skit, and some battle dialog lines. More importantly just for my own pride. But it was all worth it, they let him out of hunny jail for a minute because of it:

And speaking of "hunny", I ran this poor man all around the theme park. At least Lloyd was having a blast.

Him and Raine's performance was terrible minus the part where she kicked him off the stage at the end, that was true art.

I lost 20,000 gald in the casino in less than 5 minutes. But I was playing as Zelos at the time (collecting money/items from the ladies in there) so that seems in character for him. Sorry Genis, we're unfortunately not gonna be getting that kendama back if winning is a requirement... Aaaaaand speaking of Altimira, with all of the fun parts out of the way, let's move on to a different character: Regal. Boy oh boy, that was... a lot. I mean obviously I already knew he murdered Alicia and why, seeing them actually interact and watching the flashback was very very sad. Furthermore just thinking about the implications of it all. He already had to go through the pain of being put in a position where he had to kill her once because she was trapped in that monstrous body and suffering. Now when he met her again he met with the same situation, her asking to be killed because she's trapped in an exsphere and suffering. At least this time he didn't have to be the one to do it. Also her talking to him, urging him to stop punishing himself and him expressing how much pain and guilt he felt about what happened... that was so sad :( And that's not even to mention Presea... That was her sister who she thought was alive. She was so ready to avenge her too until she knew the truth. I would imagine one might have some sort of survivors guilt seeing as though she survived the very thing that killed her sister, even if she lost out on a ton of her life because of it. Still, I hope her and Regal can get along from now on. I ran into some people from her past in Sybak and Meltokio, I hope she gains the courage to talk to both of them eventually. Ugh... Mithos... so far I kinda hate him. He feels like... manipulative?? Idk why or if it's even intentional or not but almost everything he says to Genis feels like a manipulation tactic. It's hard to put into words but just the emphasis Mithos puts on how nice it is to have a half elf friend, how similar they are, all the hints at how much he dislikes and trusts humans, him shutting down and wanting to be alone all the time, him constantly turning normal conversations into something tragic about his own life, etc. Like am I being too hard on a traumatized child or is there actually something wrong with this kid? The question will plague me until his story unfolds further. But as it stands now I don't like him that much and I think he's on the path to making Genis not like/trust humans :/ Idk BOTTAAAAA!!! I wasn't expecting that to hit me as hard as it did. Don't know what you got till it's gone I guess. Them trying to break the glass and him just standing on the other side smiling, content with his decision. I know he achieved his goal and had likely planned on something like this in the event it came to this but... Jeez... And what was Yuan's reaction (or lack there of)? I have a hard time telling if he genuinely didn't care or if he was just suppressing his feelings about it in front of others. I'd like to think it was the later, as someone in the party (idr who, Zelos maybe? Raine?) mentioned, they'd been working together for a long time. On the plus side, discount Sonic is dead. Bye bitch, you will not be missed :) I do find it interesting how high the chain of deception goes. I'm thinking back on the Desian soldiers who were mislead by their leaders who were misled by Rodyle who was mislead by someone else. Does it go even higher than that???

Ran into Kratos in Meltokio, just as cryptic as always! He was looking for some magical wood or whatever it is (the stuff Presea carries) and then ran off to go look for it. Of course, not before dropping incredibly vague hints about how Lloyd should be careful making pacts before he causes an event he can't come back from and how he should be patient about saving the world. I think he's trying to help us? I don't know who to believe, him or Yuan. They both seem like they're disobeying their leaders and trying to help Lloyd yet they are doing so in different and conflicting ways. On one hand, I would be inclined to distrust Yuan because he has no connection to the main party and most of the times we met in the past he was just trying to fight everyone. However, Kratos so easily betrayed us once before and lead us around on a mission that he knew was suicide for Colette without speaking a word about it. I like how we established Noishe as a character with a personality at the beginning but since then he's never really been seen again when you aren't using him, not really even in skits anymore. I guess I won't complain though, his beady little eyes give me the creeps. Recently I've been choosing dialog options for Lloyd that are more on the skeptical or stern side and I think doing that has enhanced my experience overall, even if it really does just come down to roleplaying in my head and HCs. I'd imagine even someone like Lloyd with that sort of innocent determination to help everyone and save the world would eventually grow hesitant of blindly accepting everyone and rushing into things after facing so many betrayals and mistakes. He seems to really blame himself for the people who get hurt along the way and for the people he can't save. I think reasonably being more cautious and less of an impulsive good guy would be a trait he might develop later on as a result of this. For example, even small things like when Regal asked to tag along and the options were to immediately accept him or to say that it's only okay if Presea is alright with it. The former choice could unintentionally hurt Presea, the latter is more considerate of her and allows a second opinion. In general I think it would be nice for Lloyd to think more about the consequences of his actions now that he knows how cruel the world can be and how even his trusted friends have secrets.

Kuchinawa is still at it and he's siding with our enemies too, that doesn't seem good. Can't wait to fight him again hopefully.

Idk what to make of this room or this man but... this certainly happened.

And I think that may be it for today! Overall some of the most lighthearted moments and some of the most tragic moments all in one day.

[kaypeace21]

Stranger things is about mental health & trauma- deal with it!

I’ve seen a lot of people claim anyone who mentioned this topic immediately be gaslit and told they’re “just crazy” and “rudely projecting their own issues on to the characters.’ Like- no you don’t have to believe my  Will DID/Lonnie theory ( I could be wrong). But to claim one of the show’s central themes isn’t about mental health/trauma (screams either complete lack of lit comprehension or denial cause you have your own negative biases towards such people). So let’s just go into what’s literal text-not subtext/symbolism. Just the super blatant stuff.  RIGHT IN THE SHOW!

S1

-We have El when she first appears on screen  asked by Benny if her parents starved and hurt her and if that’s why she ran away. Benny then calls CPS to say El “may have been ab*sed or something.” After this Lucas says there is “seriously something wrong with her-wrong in the head. She’s probably from the NUT-HOUSE in curly county.penthurst” We also see El  cannonically has PTSD-all of s1 she’ll see something benign (a cat, a coke commercial, a closet) and is triggered to see a traumatic flashback. That’s literally ptsd.  There’s also hints throughout the seasons she’s developmentally behind in both language, telling time etc (neglect like El’s irl can cause an intellectual disability-analysis on El/that subject here).The real pethurst in pensylvannia (not the one in stranger things/ Curly county)  closed in 1986-  it was a facility for people and mostly  kids with intellectual disabilities (it wasn’t technically a psych facility like the one in st)-but it was infamous for it’s abuse of these intellectually disabled patients kept there. We also have Brenner be a ab*sive psychiatrist.

- Hopper after suffering from the loss of his daughter. Is popping pills like candy, drinking and smoking constantly. He later says he used to hallucinate and forgot what was real -seeing and hearing sarah and says if he didn’t confront the pain he’d “fall down a black hole he couldn’t get out of.” NO... subtext here about what the void represents nope.

- Both mothers (Terry & Joyce) are dismissed as being mentally ill and simply grieving the loss of their kids . But both end up being right about the supernatural.

- “Terry pretends Jane is real. i mean it’s all make believe. you know the doctors all say it’s a coping mechanism.”

- While with Joyce the whole town pre s1 already questioned her mental health. Jonathan says “She used to have anxiety problems (pre s1).” And Jonathan, Hopper, and Lonnie all assume she’s hallucinating: talking to Will via lights, seeing a man without a face, saying Will’s body is fake -due to grief. Plus Lonnie mentions the fact Joyce’s aunt Darlene also used to hallucinate as a possible reason  (terry’s aunt also had mental health issues mentioned in s2 by Becky). Lonnie even says everything Joyce is seeing  is “all in her head.”  Hopper and Jon both say she needs to sleep and accept reality and Lonnie says she needs to see a “shrink”.  Hopper “i’m not saying that you’re crazy”. Joyce : “no, you are.” Joyce also says to Lonnie “Stop looking at me like that... like everyone else like i’m out of my damn mind.” Hopper also says about Joyce she’s “on the edge”. Callahan says in response , “she’s been on the edge for a while now” (referring to her mental health- even before Will’s dissappearance)”. While Lonnie says Jonathan is “feeding into her hallucinations ... you’re going to push her right over the edge.” In s2 Hopper says “ I think everyone is on edge- you, me, Will most of all. (when talking about Will’s ptsd/trauma)” 

- in s1 They claim Will just “fell” over the edge of the quarry’s cliff. Later the only other queer coded character (Mike) jumps off the quarry cliff (where Will’s body was found) cause the homophobic troy forced him too jump. Troy even says earlier dead-Will is “flying with all the other fairies all happy and gay” (to Mike). And Troy says to Hopper El made Mike “fly” after jumping off the cliff. Friendship saved him from jumping off the edge metaphorically ( and he’ll prob eventually be happy and gay too).

s2/3

-Will is seeing a therapist . And we are told he has ptsd and will experience the anniversary effect, personality changes,nightmares, having episodes, etc. And things “will get worse before they get better”.  Mike also asks if what Will is seeing is “real or like the doctors say all in your head?” And Will continues to see hallucinations of the mf/upsidedown that only he can see initially.

-Hopper also agrees with owens mentioning how he knew guys with ptsd . joyce : “it’s not like he’s describing a nightmare. He talks about them like they’re real.” Hopper: “Yeah, because they’re not nightmares they’re flashbacks.I think he’s right about trauma.I think everyone is on edge (bringing that s1 ref back), Me you, Will, most of all.Nothing’s gonna go back to the way that it was. But it’ll get better.In time.”

-Nancy suffers from survivor’s guilt and drunkingly says she killed Barb. Jonathan says like Nancy he has “a weight that you that carry all the time . i feel it too.” (cough depression). He also says he tries to be there for Will but says about Will “he’s not the same. maybe things can’t go back to the way they were. (mirroring Hopper’s words earlier that season)”

-Jonathan said in s1 Joyce had “anxiety issues” than Nancy says in s3 “you really are your mother’s son... you worry too much.” Then we see him look worried after the comment.

- in s2, Axel & a scientist both call El and Will “schizos” because of their powers. In s3 mrs driscoll isn’t believed about the supernatural cause she’s schizophrenic-but like Joyce/Terry was right.

- Kali saves a woman named Dottie (a british slang term for crazy)  from a mental hospital and then compares herself and El to dottie. saying her non-powered gang is “Like us ...outsiders... society discarded them.”  In graphitti we even see the title “obedlam” a british poem about discarding the mentally ill and leaving them homeless.  El before this sees a mentally ill man screaming “we’re all dead!” Kali’s friend says to El, after this encounter they were “dead all of us” until kali “saved them here” (points to head) “and here” (points to heart). Pointing to the theme of love and friendship helping those with such issues. Similar to the cliff analogy.

-The cycle of ab*se. Max in s2 says she’s afraid of becoming like Billy (her ab*ser). We see Billy mimic his ab*ser neil and inflict pain on max. In s3 we see the roots of his behavior are linked to mimicking Neil- Neil in a flashback says  about baseball “what are you scared?”  “ did i raise a p*ssy for a son”. So young Billy later in a fight says to a boy “ what are you scared to fight me? fight me p*ssy. (as he beats the boy)” Deflecting his anger of his father on to someone else. In s3, We see as a kid he used to say to Neil “don’t hurt her” (his mom)-specifically after  Neil backhand slaps her -but we later see possessed Billy backhand slap Max (just like neil).  The resentment to his mother leaving - festered into how he views women and max negatively . And his attraction to mrs wheeler prob is linked to him subconsciously missing his mother. Max in s2 even says  he can’t take it out on her mother so he does so to her instead (we even have Billy hallucinate hurting mrs wheeler).We see in s2 the cycle of abuse is there- Billy mimics Neil, and then Max mimics Billy. Billy harrasses Max and yells “SAY IT!” (mimicking Neil).  Max like Billy later  yells “SAY IT” and uses a bat /violence to stand up for herself against Billy- which earlier she said she was trying to combat … explaining she can be angry like Billy sometimes but she never wants to be like him (her nickname symbolizing this: aka ‘mad max’).  Billy’s last dying words were an apology to Max- for becoming her neil. And we hopefully will see Max break this cycle.

- Will says his now memories (that he describes like dreams) are “growing “, “spreading “,and “killing”. While Kali says they need to face their father and (as Brenner) says El has to confront her “wound” or else it’ll “grow”, “spread” and “eventually it’ll kill her.” Kali says she used to be like El . She used to bottle her pain away and it “spread.” But she then says  “I confronted my pain and I finally began to heal (from those wounds).” We also see with jonathan and nancy when describing “shared trauma” zoom in onto the scars on their hands. The wound heeled into a scar so to speak.

S2 & 3 ENDINGS

both have Hopper do a speech that delves into dealing with trauma/depression but still finding good along the way.

-s2 Hopper outside the snowball: “how are you holding up? Yeah, that feeling never goes away. It is true what they say, you know. Everyday it does get easier.”

-s3 Hopper monolouge : “ Feelings jesus. For so long, i’d forgotten what those even were. I’ve been stuck in one place,in a cave you might say , a deep dark cave (cough s2 supernatural cave). For the first time in a long time, i started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. Life... yeah sometimes it’s painful .sometimes it’s sad, and sometimes it’s suprising... happy.. And when life hurts you, because it will .remember the hurt . The hurt is good. It means you’re out of that cave.”

BUT YES- St has nothing to do with mental health/trauma, we’re just “crazy” and “projecting”. It’s not like some of ya’ll  act pompous when you just have a bias and get pissy at the idea of relating to characters you “other” as “crazy” or “damaged” irl or anything (so attack people for pointing it out). Or (benefit of the doubt) you are just like.... oblivious... or just a kid who doesn’t know better XD

[mikaze-discord]

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon: 

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE 

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda: 

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt: 

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.

[violetren]

My first theory for volume 9 while the second half of volume 8 is fresh in my mind!

Volume 9 is gonna be the therapy season, but in the most traumatic you'll need different therapy afterwards kind of way. Instead of paying a therapist they're all just be bargaining with the universe like "yo I've had this trauma for a while, and I'm feeling pretty done with it. Here you take it back and uhhh I'll take a new guilt complex. Maybe a fear of falling? IDK, fuck me up bro."

The foreshadow-y Alice in Wonderland-esque fairy tale Oscar told to himself/Oz while in captivity is my guide post here.

Aaaand this is gonna get long so! 10 ideas of shit that's gonna go down next volume beneath the readmore, each one about 1-2 paragraphs each.

In the fairy tale the girl runs away from her problems into a new land, but because she never learned from her problems they just followed after her. Yeah? So first--second? First discounting the volume therapy theme theory.

FIRST BIG THEORY: The girl from the fairy tale was real, and she used the Spear of Creation. And like Weiss and the crew, she was fucking smart about her wording. She offered up materials that'd last even after someone else inevitably used the staff. IDK what materials she woulda used. Maybe there's a story about a missing continent we just haven't heard of yet? Maybe the Brother of Light's pool, since Salem seens to have claimed the Brother of Darkness's one but no sign of BoL's these days. Maybe there is a reason the land beyond Menagerie is so uninhabitable beyond desert + grimm? idk. Point is, it's a thing that happened, and since Ambrosius can't destroy/directly kill she's still in her wonderland. For themes sake I'm gonna call her Alice from here on out.

So Alice made a pocket dimension to flee from her problems from.

SECOND BIG THEORY: Her problems were relic related. She needed to hide em, and hide herself from Salem. Tbh I'm not sure how into this one I am. Maybe she had other shit going and some version of Oz was like "hey you don't want to be here, I have some property that I don't want to be here, lets make this happen!" THE POINT IS, the little pocket realities the relics are in, are aalllllll places in her pocket reality. When the team said "hey Ambrosius just make the middle ground into one of these type places" that's what he did, cause that's how he do. What better way to make sure it works like those places than to be kinda connected to em?

THIRD BIG THEORY: Ambrosius was buds with Alice once upon a time, but knew staying in her pocket world ultimately drove her crazy. He knew his middle ground worked like the pocket dimensions because it touched em or something, so he gave a vague ass warning not to fall, because he knew where they'd fall to.

Back to the fairy tale. It's implied Alice was never able to leave/give up her wonderland because she never learned from her mistakes.

FOURTH BIG THEORY VERSION 1: RWBY + Jaune can't figure their way back to reality until they adress a major personal issue and break out of whatever cycle it's got them in. This one I feel is shaky because they all have such different issues and are in very different places with each of them, trying to do one big arc on em would be too much of a mess. Plus it doesn't account for saving any of the many civilians that may have survived the fall.

FOURTH BIG THEORY VERSION 2: nobody can leave until Alice either leaves, dies, OR is convinced to let them go. As we're following good kind people this means we watch the kids try to give someone else therapy that THEY need. RWBY+J work through their shit through variations & combinations of witnessing mirrors of their struggles in Alice/other wonderland inhabitants, and just having time and space to slow down and breathe whether they want it or not.

FIFTH BIG THEORY: Alice is the "antagonist" of the underworld because she is the obstacle to overcome.

What about Neo you may be asking. Well I want her to let go of the revenge schtick, or at least redirect it back onto Cinder thus calling a truce with Ruby. However it's more than likely she's gonna be on team keep Alice as an obstacle at least as long as it takes to kill Ruby, and so Neo will be the "real" Antagonist™ within wonderland.

SIXTH BIG THEORY: Neo because of her unwavering determination to enact revenge is gonna die this volume. She'll be the comparison against which RWBY+J will be measured. As they grow and get closer to leaving she'll become more wrapped up with whatever strange classic wonderland logic this pocket universe has. Potentially depending on how things go with helping Alice, Neo may just end up trading spots with her, and end up trapped while everyone else goes back. But dead or trapped, I have a sad feeling this could be our last volume with Neo. My only hope of her surviving at this point is that she like Emerald switches sides, and in doing so joins Winter as a Cinder foil. While Neo grows and lets go of revenge and thus survives, Cinder stays dedicated to her own desires for revenge and other self serving instincts ringing her own death toll for either the end of the volume, or maybe somewhere in vol.10.

SEVENTH BIG THEORY: Ruby is gonna be grieving and maybe even getting full on angry about being expected to fix everything just because she's the optimistic one. She shouldn't have to deal with this brand and advanced level of childhood stealing just because she wanted to do what was right and won(lost) a genetic lottery for magic powers type anger. Jaune is going to have SO MUCH GUILT to work through, mostly the survivors kind. The bees will be experiencing couples therapy, they've both been pretty solid about individual growth leading up to this, Underworld will be them learning what it means to them to be partners now that they are so different to who they were. Weiss is different. Weiss is at first gonna feel like she's there just because it was a way to really shove all the other Schnee's into their therapy arcs and gave RBY+J neutral presence to rely on. Weiss is gonna go in the most stable of the bunch. But then, slow boil style, she'll start to realise how fucked up basically her whole life has been, especially upon realising that her "good years" with her new family have been spent getting sucked into being the last line of defense against the apocalypse, but will be too busy helping the others, so at the end of the volume when everyone else is actually doing pretty good and refreshed for the fight against Salem she'll only just be beginning her breakdown.

EIGHTH BIG THEORY: All this therapy shit is gonna be mirrored back on Remnant by the others grieving the percieved loss of the hearts of the team. Both sides of these story are gonna deal with some heavy shit, but the Remnant side is gonna be the depressed side, at least as long as it takes for Oz to tell them maybe the other's aren't dead leading to desperate attempts to get the staff OR the make desperate attempts to get the relics back anyways and inadvertently find out from Ambrosius what is up. But anyways. Winter is gonna be dealing with survivors guilt and the loss of both her little sisters (friends are great but Penny was little sister zoned and it's a hill I am prepared to die on. good sisterly relationships are friendships too). Nora is gonna be doing her self discovery thing. Ren is gonna be building on his end of vol.8 developments. Oscar will continue his grappling with the merge stuff. Qrow and Willow might get forced into AA. Whitely is gonna learn his own definition of being a Schnee instead of what his dad taught him.

NINTH BIG THEORY (OR FOURTH VERSION 3): The other way they get out is QORN obtain and use the staff to bring them home, potentially by trading enemy lives for them.

BONUS CONSPIRACY THEORY: QORN if presented with needing to trade for their loved ones & lost civilians have a lightbulb moment and decide hey why not trap Salem in a pocket universe since that is a thing Ambrosius can make? Like, if this bitch hasn't budged on her not learning to appreaciate life and humanity or whatever (which I'n pretty sure is the other way to break her curse instead of stopping remnant from turning) then she's a prime candidate for shoving into a personal reality that you can only escape if you can face your problems long enough to break the cycle they have you in. It'd be really fucked up but I think it might actually be possible to run the place using her as her own material component. Like kill her over and over and redistribute the energy to make the pocket world, but because god given power + Ambrosius can't actually destroy she just reforms anyways. MIght take a few hundred thousand deaths but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Or use the BoD oasis/grimm pools to make a world that mirrored the one she chose to live in on Remnant really make it hard for her to break that cycle....

Anyways.

TENTH BIG THEORY: Working on the idea that the relics are actually hidden in secret protected pockets of the underworld RWBY+J are gonna have a secondary quest of trying to get the relics from this side, and either finding a new place to hide them ages away from their vault doors. If you wanna make it a FOURTH VERSION 4, they're specifically gonna seek out the sword of destruction (HOLY VORPAL BLADE ALLUSIONS BATMAN) either with the intent of cutting their way out underworld--ahem wonderland--or with the assumption that someone is inevitably gonna have to open the vault door, because that's just how things be these days and they'll be able to cross to Vacuo from there.

[avengerscompound]

Until the End of the World - 11

Until the End of the World: A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers x F!Reader

Word Count:  2579

Rating:  E

Warnings: pregnancy, smut (MMF, vaginal fingering, double vaginal penetration)

Synopsis: Four years after Steve and Bucky got to the bottom of the HYDRA conspiracy that had led to you and your son being hunted for the first three years of his life, you, Bucky, and Steve have carved out a nice life together.  Things are calm and you feel like a family unit.  When Geo starts calling Bucky and Steve ‘dad’, a decision is made to try and add to your family.

Things aren’t as calm as they seem.  When your pregnancy hits the papers, HYDRA rears its head once again, and Steve and Bucky need to track you down to protect the family they had created.

Chapter 11

Steve had been contemplating quite a few things lately.  That was understandable really.  There was a baby on the way.  That always came with the usual concerns, about doctors appointments to attend and getting the place ready for an infant, and making sure there were the things needed to raise a baby in the house.  On top of that was the existential dread of being a bad parent, the world being the state it was in, and getting them to adulthood so they were both happy and healthy.  There were also those worries specific to him about passing on the super-soldier serum and what that would mean for a baby, as well as how having parents in a polyamorous relationship might affect them growing up, and what it might be like to have Captain America as your dad.

There was a lot to consider - from small things like what color to paint the baby’s room, to huge things like winding back on work so he could be home more to be with them.

The thing that had been on his mind the most lately though, was Geo.

He had been thinking about the little boy and how he could make sure he felt loved and wanted and not just the accidental spare that Steve and Bucky had gotten stuck with simply because they’d fallen in love with his mother.  That as far from the truth as it could be in Steve’s mind.  He’d always worried about so many things when it came to being a parent, that he’d written the whole thing off a long time ago.  It wasn’t until he’d been thrust into the role with Geo that he realized how much he loved it, and how much he loved him.  In Steve’s mind, Geo was his son.  As much as the new baby would be his daughter.  He wanted to make sure that Geo knew that and felt safe knowing that no matter what Steve would be there for him.

The problem was, legally that wasn’t true.  If something were to happen to you, Geo was not Steve’s son.  Nor was he Bucky’s.  There was no knowing for sure they’d get custody.  Steve wasn’t sure about your family at all.  You spoke about your ex-husband a lot, but not about your parents or any siblings you may or may not have.  He had no idea if Geo would get to stay with him.

He wondered if Geo was old enough to worry about such things.  He was obviously aware that neither Steve nor Bucky were related to him.  Did he know that they had no legal bonds either?

The thought of adoption kept repeating on Steve like an itch he couldn’t reach.  The question was never one of ‘did he want to’.  He wanted to adopt Geo as much as he had ever wanted anything.  There were so many variables though.  For starters, there was the Bucky factor.  For the same reason he hadn’t married either you or Bucky, he worried about the fairness of it.  Steve had looked up the laws and in New York, they didn’t allow three legal parents to a child.  It was one thing to raise the baby together.  They couldn’t put all the names on the birth certificate, but they knew they could make sure if either Bucky or Steve died, the other could take the place as legal guardian.  They could even potentially have the non-biological father on the birth certificate as the father.  If one of them adopted Geo, they were making a legal call on whose he’d be legally, and was it fair that only one of them could be that person.

Hand-in-hand with that was Geo’s biological father.  John hadn’t been a bad man who abused Geo.  He wasn’t this dark entity that loomed over them.  He had been a loving man, who had selflessly risked his life to protect his wife and son and ended up dying in the process of keeping them safe.  Steve worried that by adopting Geo, it would somehow dishonor that.  It would take away that last piece that connected the man that had died keeping Geo safe from the boy.

So he let the idea fester in him for a while.  Tossing it over and over in his mind.  Trying to work out a way that it might be fair and wouldn’t mean Geo was losing anything.

In the end, he couldn’t let it go, and all he could think to do was bring the idea to you and Bucky and see what you both thought.

“I’ve been thinking,” Steve said, as the three of you lay in bed together.  It was that time of night, a little after Geo had gone down when he’d unwind with you both.  Maybe you’d watch a movie or catch up on some show together.  Sometimes you would all just read side-by-side, or mess around on your phones - together but separate - comfortably.  The way that only people who truly love each other can manage.  Sometimes you’d just lie together sharing your day or talking about big picture things or things that needed to be done.  Sometimes it was all about sex and no one could keep their hands off each other.

“Mmm…” you hummed, trailing your fingers over his chest.  “You’ll do that.”

“I want to… or I want Bucky to… or … hmm…” he babbled, in an unusual state of not being able to find the right words.

You and Bucky seemed to take specific note of his struggle and you both sat up more and looked at him.  Bucky’s brow was furrowed in concern.

“Sorry,” Steve said quickly.  “I’ve just been thinking about this a lot lately and I don’t want to phrase it as a demand.  More of an idea to be floated for discussion.”

“What is it, Steve?”  You asked. 

“I’d like to adopt Geo.  Or Bucky,” he said.  You tensed up and he knew right away what was bothering you.  You were thinking about John.  His ghost haunted you in the way only someone good and kind can.  The ghost of a person you don’t want to let down.  It affected so many of your decisions.  A lot of the time in very good ways.  His ghost had been what kept you strong when you were on the run, protecting Geo alone.  Now that you were settled and had fallen in love again, it had made you hesitant to be happy.  If you were happy then how was that fair on John?

Survivor’s guilt, his therapist called it.  Steve had a pretty bad case of that himself.  When you live and so many die, you begin to wonder why and what you can do to make up for it.  Steve knew right now that you were thinking about all those things he’d worried about himself.  You worried that if you let Steve adopt Geo, it would be letting John down and taking his son from him.

“I know,” Steve said quickly.  “I have been thinking about all the things you both are now.  I don’t want to dishonor John.  He was Geo’s dad.  He sacrificed himself.  I don’t want to take Geo from him.  I just want to make sure Geo is safe here with us no matter what.  I want to make sure that if something happens to you, he stays with us.  But I also want Geo to know that we are his dads.  Not just for now - but forever.”

You didn’t say anything and Steve just let you go over the prospect in your mind.  He has been mulling it over for weeks now and he knew that you weren’t going to agree to it there and then.

“I do worry about what would happen to him if something were to happen to me,” you said.  “That’s always been something that plagued me.  The thought of him ending up with anyone but the two of you terrifies me.  It’s just…”

“John,” Bucky finished.

You frowned and nodded.  “We were so excited when I got pregnant.  Like the three of us are now.  He didn’t deserve this.”

Steve put his arm around your shoulder.  “No, he didn’t.”

You sat quietly and a single tear ran down your cheek.  After a little while, you wiped it away and looked up at them.  “How would you decide which one of you does it?”

“I don’t know,” Steve said.  “Toss a coin?”  He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair.  “I thought maybe whichever one of us didn’t go on the birth certificate for the baby might be the one that adopts Geo.  But that’s just an idea.”  He rubbed your shoulder gently and kissed the top of your head.  “I’m not suggesting he change his name.  Just that we make sure he’s safe here with us and officially our son.”

You nodded and twisted your hands together in your lap. “We need to speak to Geo first.  See what he wants.”

“Of course,” Steve said.  “I wouldn’t want to do anything he didn’t want to do.”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath before letting it out slowly.  “Okay.”

Steve pulled you close and rubbed your back.  “Everything is going to be okay.  I promise.”

“I know,” you said.

“You need some distracting, babe?”  Bucky asked.

You nodded.  “Yes, please.”

Bucky leaned over and kissed you.  You closed your eyes and melted into it, wrapping your arms around his neck.  Steve rubbed your side and kissed your neck.  You hummed and pulled back slowly putting your hands on Steve and Bucky’s thighs.  “I love you both so much, you know?”

“We know,” Bucky said.

“And we love you too,” Steve said.

You nodded and turned, kissing Steve.  Steve hummed softly and his hand ran down your side to your ass, gripping it and pulling you closer to him.  You slid your hand up Bucky’s thigh and began to palm his cock as Bucky kissed your neck and nosed at Steve’s.

Steve lay back, pulling you down with him so that you were lying face-to-face, and Bucky was spooning you from behind.  Bucky’s arm circled your waist and he slipped his hand into your pants.  You moaned, pushing back against Bucky and circling your tongue around Steve’s.

Bucky hummed and when you broke your kiss with Steve, Bucky leaned over and captured Steve’s lips.

Things moved slowly and intimately.  It was the kind of love-making that Steve liked best.  The kind where it was more about connection than release.  You rolled a little, so you were on your back a little more and reached down and began to stroke both men as Steve and Bucky focused all their attention on you, wanting you to feel how much they loved you.

They opened your pajama shirt and Steve trailed his mouth down to your breasts as Bucky resumed kissing you.  His fingers rolled over your clit while Steve sucked on one breast and massaged the other.  Your moans got louder and you began to arch your back and roll your hips.  Steve traveled further down.  When he reached your cunt, Bucky pulled his hand away as Steve pulled down your pajama pants.  He ducked his head down between your legs and without focus or intent, began to suck greedily on your folds.  He moved his lips like he was French kissing your pussy, sucking your sweet fluids from you.  He couldn’t see your reaction due to the swell of your belly but he didn’t need to.  Your moans and the way your cunt flooded told him that you were enjoying yourself.

He began to focus on your clit more, sucking it into his mouth and running his tongue quickly back and forth on it.  You mewled and bucked your hips, the only thing stopping your legs from closing around his head was the fact he caught them and held them open.   Your sounds got louder and more desperate.  It was as if you had no control of them - they just bubbled out of you as your pleasure grew.  Steve pushed two of his fingers inside you and began to fuck you with them, never letting up on your clit.

Your cunt clenched and you jerked up hard under him as you came, your back curving off the mattress as you moaned loudly.  “Oh god please, just fuck me,” you begged. 

Steve chuckled and crawled back up your form.  Bucky intercepted him, capturing his lips and sucking your fluids from them as he hummed.  When he pulled back they both turned their attention back to you.  Bucky lay down behind you and Steve returned to facing you, grabbing the lube from the bedside table before settling into position.  He pushed his pants down enough to free his cock and slicked it in the cool gel.  Bucky took the tube and Steve teased his cock up and down your folds.  You brought your knee up and hooked your leg around the middle of Steve’s back.  Steve slowly rolled his hips, so the head of his cock moved up and down your folds.  It caught at your entrance and he pushed forward slowly sinking into you.

As Steve slowly fucked you, Bucky lubed up his own cock and began to run it up and down your crevice from behind.  Steve leaned over you and kissed him as the head of Bucky’s cock rubbed against the base of Steve’s.  Bucky pushed it up against your entrance and slowly sunk into you.

You mewled, your head falling back against Bucky’s shoulder as both men stretched you.  Bucky’s cock squeezed in tightly beside his inside you and Steve groaned at the sensation of heat and cool in the vicelike clamp of your internal muscles.

They both began to thrust.  The three of you kissed from one to the other.  It moved between you like fluid trying to find a place to settle.  Steve’s skin prickled as his cock throbbed inside you.  There was always something so intimate about both he and Bucky penetrating you at the same time.  Each of you was connected and bringing pleasure to the others.

You cunt pulsed and clenched around both of them and both Steve and Bucky groaned at once as it felt as though you were milking them.  Bucky’s hand wrapped around you and he began to finger your clit in tight circles.  You gasped, breaking the kiss with Steve, and cried out, jerking between them.

That was all it took for Bucky.  His hips snapped forward and he released, his come coating Steve’s cock as he spilled inside you.  Steve groaned, his cock moving more easily with the extra lubrication against Bucky’s softening cock.  He groaned and pressed his face into your shoulder, his hips beginning to stutter.  With a grunt he released, his come mixing with Bucky’s.

You hummed and Steve could feel you relaxing in his arms as both he and Bucky slipped from you.  “Mmm that helped,” you said lightly, making Bucky laugh.

“Good,” Steve said, caressing your cheek.  “Because what I want most of all is for you, Bucky, and Geo to be happy and safe.”

“Oh Steve,” you whispered and leaned in and kissed him.  He held you close and drew Bucky in behind you so he could hold you both at once, and relax into the thought that at least - in this moment, he was getting everything he wanted.

// NEXT

[everything-laito]

damn the brain be out here going BRRRRRR here’s the Laito and Cordelia Analysis (with a little bit of Karl sprinkled in) Part III

wow my fingers are freezing but my brain sure isn't! 

aaaanyways, iiiiiit’s trauma time!!! Am I a productive member of society by writing these analyses? No. Do I gain anything by writing them? Kinda, my brain gets exercised and they’re fun to research for. But if you haven’t read the first part or the second part for some reason (I recommend reading them in order), there they are. 

Once again, trigger warnings still apply; mainly about trauma, isolation, etc 

I’m gonna talk about the trauma and effects it had on Laito and to attempt to extrapolate why he is the way he is. I have a lot of examples I want to go over and stuff to talk about, so I think the trauma part is going to be split between two (or maybe three) parts. I also have a little bit to say about Karlheinz.

As always, big ass rant under the cut! 

Section 6: Neuroplasticity and Trauma

Oh???? More science vernacular??? You BET! Ok, neuroplasticity. I know I’ve talked about it on this blog. But, I seriously doubt that there is a madlad who has read all of my analyses (speaking of which, I should update the master list lmao) and I don’t expect anyone to do that LOL! Anyways, this neurological concept is the ability of neurons to adapt to certain circumstances or stimuli by creating new neurological pathways (through synapses). This basically relates to memory and learning. It’s why we don’t stay the same person as we grow and develop. It’s responsible from mindset changes to response to traumatic events. It plays a huge part in trauma, which is why “repressed memories” occur as well. 

Trauma, taken from Psychology Today, is defined as: 

...the experience of severe psychological distress following any terrible or life-threatening event. Sufferers may develop emotional disturbances such as extreme anxiety, anger, sadness, survivor’s guilt, or PTSD.

It’s a basic definition. And although I’d assume people would know what trauma is already, but knowing the lexical definition of something can be good to know before going into it. 

Obviously, Laito has trauma, there’s literally no refuting that. But, the point I’m getting at, is the reason why he is the way he is today is because of neuroplasticity. As previously stated, we are going to assume the DL vampire brain works similarly or the same as a human brain. So, because of the stress put upon the brain (Cordelia’s actions and Laito’s general upbringing in a stress filled household), Laito’s brain was rewired (neuroplasticity). This section doesn’t really have much new information, but I wanted to give a baseline since there’s many people who don’t know what neuroplasticity is.

Laito’s definitely different than what he was as a kid. He still kind of had his smarts, and might have been  but as we’ve deducted from the first part of this series, he might have been groomed. On top of that, the brain is easily moldable when you’re a child (which is why grooming makes sense for Laito’s case), and continues to snip brain cells off and form new connections. 

Section 7: Little intermission about Karlheinz 

I know I haven’t really talked about Karlheinz yet. So this will be the section that I do it in. I know this part is about Laito’s trauma, but it’s so hard to not just weave other characters into it. Nothing is stand-alone, which is why it was so hard for me to plan this out. I was debating about saving this for another analysis, but I feel like it fits. 

I referenced this in Part II, Section 5 of this analysis series. Basically, Karlheinz throws Laito into the dungeon and locks him up. Not Karlheinz personally, but he ordered someone to do it. We don’t explicitly know why, but there’s several implications. A huge one is that it was part of Karlheinz’ experiment. Before Dark Fate, I was like “wait, so did Karl find out about Laito/Cordelia? And got like jealous or was like ‘nah this shit fucked up no thanks’?” I was really scratching my head on that. But in Dark Fate, you find that Karlheinz knew about Cordelia and Laito, and even really wanted it to happen. Which is all sorts of fucked up. This really put Laito in for a loop. Here’s a scene from Dark Fate: 

Laito: That woman always, always believed in Karlheinz. Laito: She believed he married her because he loved her, wanted her. That’s why she was sure that one day... he will give his love only to her.  Laito: But she was tricked. She wasn’t loved from the start... Laito: -And I’m a victim of this unbelievable mistake... That’s how it is. Laito: I was treated as a vent for her feelings. Yui: ...Laito-kun... Laito: I’m sure he knew that something like this will happen... He is a god after all... Laito: I was hoping that... He just overlooked it up until now... Laito: But... I was naive.  Laito: I was only planned a scapegoat. 

God, when I played this, that just freaking struck me to my core. That’s so awful. Ironically... Karlheinz probably has some high level of emotional intelligence. I don’t believe he could be labeled as a sociopath, considering he has this high level understanding of pathos. He’s not god in a sense that he controls everyone individually himself. He’s so good at manipulation that he basically creates fate itself (whether you believe in it or not). He’s generally intelligent and cunning, and it also just helps with the fact that he’s immortal and can time travel. He knows cause and effect by now, and I believe Lost Eden said something about how he’s done so many different “timelines.” 

The definition of a god in a philosophical sense can be broken down into three words: omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. More wicked cool jargon! Yay! Here’s what they mean for extra clarification:

Omniscient: All knowing Omnipresent: All seeing Omnipotent: All doing

Sure Karlheinz doesn’t absolutely know everything, nor can see everything, and he definitely has limits to his power, but he has gained knowledge through living for so many years and time traveling; he has familiars which add to the whole “all seeing” part; and he has a lot of power. So basically, in the most semi-”realistic” sense, it would definitely be the closest being to any kind of god.

Karlheinz is probably the reason why Laito himself has such contempt towards religion, and the existence of a god in general. Sure, the boys are like “that shit’s made up by humans” in general, but it would make sense for Laito himself to have that specific hatred. It makes sense that these vampires would be like “oh that’s made up by humans” when they’ve been around forever and have seen multiple religions come and go. (I’m mainly talking about in DL’s lore case, not starting a religious argument; please don’t take it as such––just to clarify)

Section 8: Isolation

Originally, the previous part was going to be about Laito’s isolation being locked up. However, I went off the rails and it turned into that little intermission. This is going to be a shorter section, but I still wanted to talk about, and it will weave into the next section. 

There is no implications about how long Laito was locked up (and tortured) in the dungeon. There’s also no implications about why he was tortured. But torture and isolation puts such stress on the brain that there’s definitely going to be some kind of outcome if persisting for a good period of time. So let’s take a look at what that does to a person. 

Once again, taking this with a grain of salt. I imagine vampires don’t need to rely on social interaction as much as humans do, considering they live forever. But we don’t know. However, throwing Laito into a state of isolation implies that it would be some type of torture or harsh punishment for a vampire, which therefore implies that social interaction is a necessity for emotional function. It’s just sound, inductive logic. 

So now, as for isolation, I’m using this article as reference. It’s a pretty interesting one to read. Here’s another extensive article as well. Basically isolation can cause:

Depression/anxiety

Immune system deficiencies (basically more likely to get physically ill)

Sleep cycle changes (if put underground or with limited natural light)

Hallucinations

Paranoia

Issues with processing information and more susceptible to persuasion/manipulation

We have no clue if Laito’s experience fits all of these. Also, the second one can be crossed out because vampires in DL can’t get physically sick in the way we can. Also, unsure about the sleep cycle stuff considering they are used to being in the dark. Hallucinations and paranoia can’t be crossed off nor proven. 

Being isolated physically and mentally exhausts the mind, which is why it’s also a way of torture. Laito implies that he was tortured with physical devices, but regardless, it’s still stress on the mind. This type of stress definitely goes along with what was mentioned with neuroplasticity and trauma, which also supports the last bullet point: issues processing information and being more susceptible to persuasion/manipulation. Take this flashback from Maniac Prologue in HDB that I used in Part II section 5 (but here’s even more context):

Laito: ーー Let me go!! Let me out of here! Butler: I can’t, young lord. We’ve received strict orders from your father. I am deeply sorry, but please stay put for a while. Laito: What’s the point in having me chained up in here!? Butler: ーーI am very sorry. Laito: Hahahaha…You stupid old man! Do you think that this will make repent!? How foolish! That demon! Has his brain finally rotten from spending too much time with humans!? ー Cordelia appears Cordelia: ー Oh? Laito: …!? Have you come to save me? Cordelia: Oh dear. Ufufu…I’m sorry Laito, that isn’t it. Laito: Eh? Richter: ー Why are you here? Laito: …That’s my line. Cordelia: Okay, okay. No fighting! More importantly, Richter…Come here. Laito: …!? Cordelia: Nnn…Hey, Laito. You are a good boy. Laito: …!! Cordelia: Right, Laito? Laito: Yeah, that’s right. I’m…I’m a good boy after all.  ーー Besides, I’m the type of person who only get more aroused from this kind of thing.

Although I also use this to support the whole Stockholm syndrome point, this could also be supported with the trauma isolation also holds. His mind is being re-molded into the facade he holds. Also, note the whole “do you think this will make me repent?!” part. Just a very interesting thing. The word “repent” implies that there’s something to feel guilty about or the person knows that what they’ve done is bad. It just goes to show that Laito has some part of guilt or moral compass still in tact. 

You can also argue that this scene was when Laito just got locked up, or he’s been here for a while. Either way, he could have also been socially isolated before this too, just hanging around Cordelia like it’s implied when he was a child. Remember the whole not being in bed 9/10 times when he was a child? Yeah, controlled social isolation. We also rarely see Laito with other characters in his flashbacks. I don’t believe we see him with his brothers in any of his flashbacks from what I can recall; he’s usually with Cordelia. Just implies (to me) that he’s around her a lot. And being locked up is also a more extreme case of that, which would mold the brain even more. 

I know that was a LOT to process and read. I sure hope this still is cohesive for you all. I’m pretty bad at organizing this kind of stuff; it’s a bit difficult since it all just goes together. Which, kudos on the writers of DL, because that’s just good writing. I was going to put something about gaslighting in this part, but that might be too long, so I’m going to make that a separate part or include it in the next part. 

If you have any questions, feel free to just put it in the inbox. I’m planning on making the last part of this series answering all the Laito/Cordelia questions I’ve received, or just general questions pertaining to this analysis in general, whether it be tangential questions or clarifying questions. 

Hope you all are still enjoying this ride as much as I am!  -Corn

[howlingday]

About Jaune ships...

I have opinions. You may not agree, but they are mine. They may change in time, but not now.

LANCASTER ( RUBY X JAUNE )

The old tried and true. I mean, what's not to like? Cute girl falls for first guy she meets at Beacon? Classic romance trope, and after reading how much Ruby loves romance stories (I consider certain parts in the manga canon), it makes sense. In fact, after Arkos sank (A moment of silence, please . . . Thank you), many moved to Lancaster, which isn't bad. Happens all the time in fandoms. Sad thing, though, is far I think she'll last. If we're talking Volume 5 or earlier, then maybe. However, I feel if Ruby were to have an endgame in romance, it would be RoseGarden (I have opinions on that as well, but today isn't the day to discuss that), mostly because Oscar bumped Jaune's role from male lead to male side. Not to mention that while Jaune is becoming a beast in his own right, Ruby is a different creature altogether and evolving her character more rapidly and chaotically than anyone else (Must be all that screentime).

TLDR: I want it to be canon, but I might just be hoping.

WHITE KNIGHT ( WEISS X JAUNE)

Doofus in tin foil meets princess who hates daddy (Am I in the romance section of the library? You know, the corner for adults only?) No, but I do like this ship. I'm always a sucker for the fantasy genre, and using a zero to hero male makes it relatable. I also kind of ship it because the same reason I ship NaruSaku in the Naruto fandom: he likes her and he's willing to go the distance. But enough about that; instead let's talk about canon. Will they hook up? It's a soft maybe for me, for two reasons. 1. Rosegarden is most likely to be endgame, and after Ruby and Pyrrha, I'd say Weiss is Jaune's next to be his love interest. 2. Weiss has warmed up to Jaune. Sure, not lover or crush level (Yet), but she's definitely changed her opinion on him. In Volume 1, Jaune was bugging her, like all the time, which I could see as him getting mixed signals on (Exhibit A: Tall, blonde, and scraggly). When Volume 5 came around, everyone jumped onboard because he saved her life (Don't lie, because I'll admit that I did it, too). Not the best reason, but still reason enough, I'd say. Then in Volume 7, she hangs out with him and Oscar to the movies (It was either that or awkward Bumbleby all night. I feel ya, sister). Nothing romantic happens, but it does show how much their relationship has developed. If Weiss is Jaune's endgame, then they have set the pieces up perfectly to do so.

TLDR: High likelihood to be canon and I'm a sucker for Knight/Princess ships.

KNIGHTSHADE ( BLAKE X JAUNE)

This is the part where I say definitely not. Not in a million years, but I'll explain why I like the ship, though. As for why it won't work, the answer is Bumbleby. They haven't kissed yet, but you know they're going to eventually (Because if they don't, the fans will attack like a swarm of hornets). But here's the question you might be asking now: why do I ship this? Well, it's part of the allure of "opposites attract" ('Cause I'm dressed like a cat!). Blake is an intelligent, outspoken, and agile ninja with a criminal history of terrorism who spends her free time reading novels. Jaune is a B at best on his tests, soft-hearted, and ground-based knight who's worst crime is fraud (Still a crime, but peanuts compared to literal terrorism) and spends his free time hanging out with his team. Day and night. But they also tried that with Sun for a season and a half and it didn't last (BECAUSE BEES).

TLDR: Not even a snowball's chance in the summer sun, but so much story potential if you do (Which I do)!

DRAGONSLAYER ( YANG X JAUNE )

This, I would say, is the opposite of Knightshade, where Jaune is the day and Blake is night, here Yang is the Sun and Jaune is the Moon (Like their crests! Remember those? Y'know, when they were relevant?) Will it work? Even less so than Knightshade. However, it does open up some interesting paths considering how... provocative Yang can be, and Jaune, compared to the other guys, is the nerdiest, geekiest dude at Beacon. It's like the cheerleader/nerd romance, except the cheerleader is the captain of every sports team... and rides a motorcycle. The Volume 8 preview introduced us to Yang and Jaune riding motorcycles and we went nuts over it. Yang was back in her element, roaring down the street, riding on walls, popping off tricks with Oscar riding- Back to what I was saying, people were asking, "How did he know how to ride a motorcycle?" and the elementary answer is "He didn't." He almost fell off his bike from a small box in the road. True, anyone would, but look at how he reacts: he stiffens, he refocuses on the road. This kid literally started riding at breakfast, and I DARE you to prove me wrong. But hey, great fic material right there, though, eh?

TLDR: Never gonna happen, but I don't care. All I care about is writing that they love each other. And they also fu-!

ARKOS ( PYRRHA X JAUNE )

I'm sorry, I need a moment. . . . Alright. Do it for her. This ship... was perfect. Probably the best ship out them all. I legit almost cry every time I think about Volume 3. Pyrrha was everyone's favorite. Her background, her interactions, her choreography, everything! But, of course, like everything in our lives, she was too good to be true. But let's honor her memory by talking about her ship, Arkos. Pyrrha was the champion of the world, the Brothers' and Oums' gift to Remnant. She could do no wrong and she HATED it. Her plight was with how she was seen. Everybody knew her! Everybody, except Jaune. And he only figured out she was "a big deal" was because Weiss had to spell it out for him! As time went on, they became the best of friends, two peas in a pod, the perfect odd couple! They worked together and trusted each other, they cared for and supported each other, they lo- No. No, I can't say it. It's been years, and it still hurts. So, I'll explain something else: the reason why Jaune SHOULD NOT be shipped right now. That reason is Pyrrha. Jaune was helpless to save her. He's suffering from survivor's guilt and he's still grieving. In Volume 4, he would sneak away and train until late at night to scroll recording of her. In Volume 5, he confronted Cinder and got Weiss almost killed because he let his grief for Pyrrha take control of him and let his emotions run wild. In Volume 6, he finds the Pyrrha statue and he... I don't know how to say this, but he let's go. He accepts that Pyrrha is gone and he's starting the healing process. He's finally ready to move forward.

TLDR: T.T I never felt that it was wise to wish too much~

MARTIAL ARCS ( REN X JAUNE)

I'll be honest, I don't really ship it. Yeah, it's cute, and it falls perfectly into the "if I had to pick a guy" part of me, but to be honest, I don't ship it. 10% because Renora and 90% it just doesn't click with me. They both just seem too soft, too quiet, too introverted. Best friends? Yes, definitely! But lovers? Eeeeeh, not really.

TLDR: I will only ship as neccessary.

NORA'S ARC ( NORA X JAUNE )

I've only just got in this deep with the fandom only recently, so I don't know if a lot of you know me. Heck, I'm probably just some RWBY fan you happen to spot as you move through your dash. However, old or new, I want to be made absolutely positively clear on this. Of all the ships here, this has got to be my-

O T FUDGIN' P

Wow! Never thought I'd feel so strongly about a crack ship like this. And yes, as sad it is to say, this is a crack ship. Renora was planned from day one, so it can't be helped. At least it didn't blast me in the face all of the sudden (OH NO, NOT THE BEES! AAAAARGH! THEY'RE IN MY EYES!). But why this ship? Well, for one thing, it's that whole opposites attract thing with Nora as the bubbly, outspoken, airhead powerhouse and Jaune as the soft spoken, introverted, nerd tactician. But wait, there's more to this trope, because it can go deeper: Order VS Chaos! Who makes all the messes? Who cleans up those messes? Who follows all the rules? Who makes their own doors? It's just. So. Damn! GOOD! One sad thing about this ship though is that it's not only not canon because of Renora, it's anti-canon because Renora. Every fan fic of Nora's Arc requires an explanation for Ren and Nora to not be together-together, like you have to write a formal apology to the FNDM for liking something that's different from what is canon or commonly accepted. If that's the case, then I'll be the anarchist here!

TLDR: I LOVE IT! What's that? Not canon? Who gives a damn?! I just explained why Jaune won't be shipped anyways! Now, if you'll excuse, I have some fan fics to find.

ARCFALL ( CINDER X JAUNE )

Oh, here it goes! Now, if we're talking ships that'll never happen, this is where we find better reasons than "it's not canon" and "character development". No, this... This is a declaration of war. Allow me to explain. Cinder Fall is evil. Like, down to her core. She wants power and she'll cut through anyone to get to it. Including Pyrrha. This woman sank Arkos by means other than "X and Y kissed, so..." She killed X, leaving Y alone. And her interactions with Jaune tell me she wouldn't even be worth a hate-bang. But, as Momma always, there's a thin line between love and hate. This is where the appeal comes in. Cinder is evil with no past, which leaves the previous chapter's of her life story blank to be filled in. Jaune is good with a troublesome, albeit easy past, but untapped potential for more. It's another opposites attract, but different from INTRO VS EXTRO and CHAOS VS ORDER; this is GOOD VS EVIL. Who will win this battle of wills; will our hero purify the tainted heart, or will he slip deeper into darkness, never to return to the light?

TLDR: Should be a NOTP, and yet the allure pulls me in.

What do y'all think? Do you agree? Let me know!

[justsasuke]

Here’s the thing about Kakashi. He’s quite possibly Konoha’s worst (yes, you read that right) worst Sensei. Mostly due to the fact that he’s so caught up in his guilt and past that he literally had nothing to give his students.

I’m not saying this to hate on Kakashi, he’s his own person with very valid struggles and I don’t want to slam him bc of his life experiences, but for the purpose of this here writing I’m going to ignore Kakashi’s right to be stuck in the past and talk about why he isn’t qualified to do the job the 3rd Hokage assigned him. Specifically in relation to Sasuke (bc let’s be real, after shippuden started was Kakashi really Naruto and Sakura’s sensei anymore? also this blog is about Sasuke so if you’re expecting any other type of content IDK how to help you)

Let me start by saying Kakashi had a lot of potential to help Sasuke out; they come from somewhat similar backgrounds - prominent families in the village that at some point were no longer favorable to the village, and then losing said families.  Both were child prodigies and (I assume) had a lot of external pressure to live up to and not enough time to work through their own feelings...

you’d think with everything they had in common Kakashi could have used his experiences to relate to Sasuke and then guide him down a much healthier path--but instead he only made things worse.

and here’s where we get into the main meat of this rant and my list of reasons why Kakashi was a horrible sensei (grab some popcorn bc I’m about to go off)

1) Kakashi identifies Sasuke’s issues early...and then does nothing. without a doubt, Kakashi knew who Sasuke was.  He knew what had happened to the Uchiha clan, and he could probably imagine what kind of pain Sasuke was going through and yet when Sasuke very openly admits that he doesn’t have any purpose for his future except to avenge his clan Kakashi simply makes a mental note that it was ‘just as he thought’

2) Kakashi doesn’t really say anything nice... your mileage may vary with this one, and of course it’s a matter of personal taste, but Kakashi doesn’t say anything nice about Sasuke.  Not to his face anyway.  and it’s not just that he isn’t nice, he taunts him too. To a regular person this may not cause much damage, but we have to look at the fact that Sasuke has grown up alone and un-nurtured for the last 5 years and that the last person who was important in his literally told him that he was worthless and unfit for anything (hello root cause of Sasuke’s insecurity) Kakashi’s words then become really destructive and damaging to any chance he had of creating a safe space for Sasuke to open up and feel looked after/get the help he needed

3) Kakashi didn’t get it This happens during the infamous treetop chat, where he literally ties Sasuke to the tree so he can say what he wants to say. (red flag right there bc honestly what is with this village and constantly trying to force Sasuke to do what they want him to do without actually taking the time to listen to him or address his problems directly.  Seriously.  Also why are you waiting until just now to reach out to him when you’ve known he’s been struggling since day one.  see #1 on this rant)

I hate this scene because it’s a really good moment outside of the context of, well, Sasuke and all that he is and has been through. It was meant to be a call to reality scene where Kakashi helps Sasuke see that he’s not alone in his suffering, that he has friends who care about him, that leaving the village isn’t going to help him, and his life situation isn’t actually all that bad. (can you spot the sarcasm?)

Spoiler alert: this scene is another example of people who thought they understood Sasuke and knew how to help, which is not the same as actually understanding him and knowing how to help. See also Naruto, Sakura, and Gaara to name the most prominent other ones.

4) “sure, but everyone I ever loved is already dead... :)” Ok listen.  I get where Kakashi is coming from, I really do. but this line.  I hate it. Again, it’s a great line out of context of everything Sasuke is dealing with. And yeah, I can see why Kakashi thought it might help. But just to recap, Sasuke’s entire clan, his immediate family, probably the bulk of his friends because Bigotry™, his extended family, everything he’s known and loved and held dear, his security, the family culture he grew up with, any promise of a bright future etc. was taken away from him by his older brother whom he loved more than anything in one night.  He literally lost everything that would help him gain any sort of bearing of identity and sense of worth, not to mention anyone to love him, in one night.  and it was taken by the person he loved most, someone he trusted and looked up to and believed in.  And then that person told him he was completely worthless. Kakashi on the other hand lost his best friend during a ninja mission (a devastating loss but common within the context of everyone being ninja and it being wartime), and lost his father and other friend/crush? to suicide. All very real pains, but different than Sasuke’s.  

Sasuke’s lash out of “what if I killed everyone you ever cared about” was a plea for someone to understand the kind of agony he was carrying everyday, and Kakashi--who honestly out of everyone else should have sensed a need to sit and listen--ignored it by taking the opportunity to invalidate Sasuke’s very specific pain.

5) Kakashi kind of ....gave up? At some point it seems like Kakashi just gave up trying to help Sasuke and decided that it was unavoidable and inevitable that Sasuke was going to “go bad” and leave the village. I mean, he noticed it on day one, right? (srry, I’m salty about that one if you couldn’t tell).

6) Except he didn’t At some point he decides that as Sasuke’s sensei he should be the one to take responsibility for Sasuke going “bad” and kill him. Forget talking to him, forget apologizing for not taking the time to talk to him earlier, he decided that he’s going to fight Sasuke and “take care of the problem once and for all”.

I could go on, but at this point I think I should stop and take a really, really long walk. In summary:  While you’d expect Kakashi to have seen and treated Sasuke differently he didn’t, and while he was set up to be the perfect mentor character to Sasuke (Naruto got Jiraiya so you’d think Kakashi would’ve stepped in to help Sasuke more) he really fell flat. Overall as a sensei I think he was too bogged down with his own pain and survivor’s guilt to really be present, and maybe he was too scared to help Sasuke grow because he thought if he fed the fire it would only get worse. In any case, other than teaching Sasuke chidori, Kakashi was really detached from Sasuke’s struggles except when he thought it had gone too far.  And by then it was too late to do any good. I think if he had stepped in a little more, listened a little more, helped Sasuke channel his feelings productively, maybe even helped Sasuke work through said feelings, things could’ve been great. He could’ve been the Iruka to Sasuke’s Naruto, you know?   but he wasn’t.

[hermits-that-craft]

Dream SMP - A theory

Hello, welcome to a segment I like to call ‘Arti throws on their theorist hat and starts to examine closely into things that the fandom probably wont care about’. Todays topic is:

How does ‘Tales From the SMP’ fit into the lore - specifically: Karl and Dream.

Now, there are two characters that I am going to address in this theory, and I’m going to bring up a few theories for both of the characters. This is going to be a long post, so please be warned. This post will also likely end in a general theory about the server as a whole, so stay tuned for that! 

Please note that this is only discussing the characters and not the actual content creators. 

What, or who, is Dream?

I don’t believe in the slightest that Dream is immortal/a time traveler. I highly doubt that he is a god as well, however potential godhood isn’t what I’m going to delve into today. Now, my reasoning behind the whole ‘Dream is not immortal’ is because Karl says (Timestamp: 00:14:44 - THE VILLAGE THAT WENT MAD stream)

“Tonight’s story takes place hundreds of years before the Dream SMP story as you know it. These are all villagers that have lived on the Dream SMP server before Dream joined it with his friends. Okay?”

This is huge for Dream’s lore, because it finally gives us some backstory for Dream, however vague.

Dream’s backstory is now: - Found/came to the dream smp - Knew George and Sapnap (and others?) before arriving

Now that we have some solid backstory for Dream, allow me to present a couple of theories about who or what Dream could be.

Theory number one: The Admin Question Dream is an admin. Now - we all know this, of course Dream is an admin. But, we don’t know what that entails in cannon. Dream, in cannon, is the only admin of the smp, and the one who controls respawn. We don’t know what being an admin entails, but I have a theory for it.

Admins are chosen by gods (therefore fulfilling why Dream is so powerful) and they need to find a world outside of their homeworld to become an admin for, so that there are no power imbalances. Following this theory, that gives us a more fleshed out backstory for Dream.

In this, Dream was chosen by a god to become an admin. This forced him to leave his home and family to find a world that had no admins, so preferably an empty world. George, Sapnap and others followed him to this new world. 

This helps gather up a few lose threads:  - Dream’s friendship with George and Sapnap is no longer ‘these two guys on my world’ and now ‘these two guys who followed me to a new world’ makes his betrayal more angsty too. - Who Drista is (without making her a demon). She’s just his little sister. Maybe she’s a young admin too, one that doesn’t have her own world. Maybe she’s just visiting and Dream is silently following her around. 

This also helps anyone who wants to view Dream as a human, because he was born as one!

Theory number two: The Dreamon Ideal Dream is a dreamon. He came to the Dream SMP with other dreamons, therefore making it hard on the people who lived there before hand, maybe even killing any of the other villagers before the current members of the dream smp arrived. 

This helps conceptualise Wilbur’s mention of how Dream ‘isn’t human’, while also explaining why Dream has an unknown number of lives. 

The ‘friends’ who came with him could also be the servers personal Dreamons, as stated in one of the Dreamon hunter streams “Everyone on the server has one [a dreamon]”. 

But Dream isn’t the only person that we’re talking about in this theory today.

What’s up with Karl Jacobs?

Karl’s character is an interesting one. We don’t know much about him, and admitantly I haven’t watched a lot of what he streams on the dream smp, but something of note should stand out to you while watching this stream.

He introduces himself to the villagers as Karl Jacobs.

He also says in the opening part that the villagers can tell that they’re being used by him. That they know that Karl is controlling their stories. That they have been given new roles and need to abide by them - perhaps not given a chose but to abide by them. So, what could Karl be?

Theory number one: The Watcher/Narrator Parallel What if Karl is a watcher/narrator? Now, this is my (personal) favourite theory. If you don’t know what a watcher is, an in-depth explanation will be linked in the first reblog, but here’s the basics: A watcher is an entity created by Grian for his Evolution streams. They ‘watched’ Evo, and eventually took Grian and made him one of them. They are supposed to represent the viewers/fans (us!).

But Arti, I hear you wondering, how does that relate to Karl?

Hush, we’re getting there.

In this theory, picture this. A young watcher is sent to a world to make sure everything runs well, but as he watches, he decides he needs to step in to help everyone fulfil the role they were given. He shreds the ‘watcher’ title and becomes a narrator, trying to help the nameless village from the village that went mad go down the right path. However, the village ends up slaughtered by the murderers, his power too much for their minds to handle. Karl, filled with guilt, decides not to be as forceful in his narration later on. He leaves the watchers, though he retains his powers. 

Then, the main plot of the smp happens. 

Karl steps in again, trying to save L’Manburg from Wilbur. He fails, once more. This would help explain how he could be killed by Techno mulitple times but not lose a cannon life. This could also explain why he was so determined to get into the plot - he needs to help the world that he had been assigned to watch.

This also makes us cannon throughout the main plot - if Karl left the watchers and became a narrator, it would make sense to send the least ‘powerful’ watchers to make sure the world runs smoothly, and to write the history of the world. To retell the story.

Theory number two: The Time Travel Conundrum Karl could be a time traveler. He hears about these places in history and visits them, trying to find out what happened. However, he gets caught up in them, and in the process ends up in an ‘only survivor’ type situation - He’s the one who writes their history, the ones that he grew up reading and loving.

And he tries to find a way to fix it, but he knows that if he stops himself from going back in time, he’ll break the history of the dream smp, and then perhaps he or his friends will not exist. Karl has to walk a fine line, which will mean that the later Tales From The SMP streams may not have as much of Karl telling everyone what to do, and more roleplay, with Karl watching on.

[pastelsandpining]

Bittersweet

Previous | Next

Summary: Link stays a moment with a friend to think about the princess and her valiant, endless fight against evil incarnate--and what she might mean to him.

Words: 2112

Warnings: questioning of faith, survivor’s guilt if you squint, let me know if there’s anything I missed, it’s kind of just super bittersweet haha

Masterlist

Please do not comment anything HWAOC related as I do not want to be spoiled! :)

______

“Master Link, are you alright?”

The Rito bard meant well. He was one of the many who’d been nothing but kind and helpful towards him since the very beginning. Yet his question made Link pause the drumming of his fingers against the wooden platform and frown.

“I’m just thinking,” he decided to say as he looked up.

“Ah,” sighed the bard, who turned his gaze towards the vast expanse of Hyrule. “Yes, happens to the best of us. Would you perhaps like some company?”

Link shrugged with a gesture to the open area besides him. 

“I apologize if I overwhelmed you with my song,” spoke Kass again as he took a seat. “But I suppose everything is a little overwhelming.”

“That’s generous,” Link replied simply and busied his fingers with the Sheikah Slate. He tapped through the compendium, through the photo album, through the map, just to have something to look at other than his friend. And after a moment of thought, he shuffled back from the edge of the platform. “She’d kill me herself if I dropped this.”

“Do you remember much about her?” Kass asked, ending another stretch of silence. 

Link frowned again, tracing the swirling patterns with his fingers. What could he say, really?

Everything from the mossy trees to the breath that sustained life carried the Princess of Hyrule with it. There were bits of her everywhere. 

She was nothing more than another ghost in the beginning—a face he couldn’t make out, a voice that called from nothing, a girl he should know but could not recall. But when he stood under the arching gate of Lanayru Promenade, with the overgrown grass scratching his boots and chilled wind from the mountain biting his nose, her face became as clear as crystal.

And suddenly, every petal of a Silent Princess carried her name, and every gust of wind echoed her voice, and every touch of the sun’s light mimicked her smile, and every Hot Footed Frog was a hypothesis, and every piece of Sheikah technology he uncovered was her passion, and every drop of rain was her grief, and every deactivated guardian was a totem of her power, and every glance towards the castle was a token of her love.

There were glimpses of her hiding a smile behind her hand. There were glimpses of her fingers brushing so softly against his that he wasn’t sure any of it was real. There were glimpses of his fingers tracing gentle lines over the shapes of her face while she slept. A kiss, light as a feather, to the inside of her wrist. A grab of her hand as they ran for safety. She was the heartbeat that kept Hyrule alive, and there were so few who knew that—but he did.

“She’s everywhere,” Link answered softly, wondering vaguely if she could see him or hear him from the confines of her prison. If she could, the wind was quiet.

Kass gave no response, but his gaze was something understanding, and he was compelled to continue speaking.

“I don’t remember everything,” he said and fiddled with the Slate again. “I don’t think I ever will. I didn’t know where to start at first. But she left me pictures and now everything reminds me of her. Sometimes she’s the only thing I know, and I don’t even know her.”

“Would you like to?” Kass asked, as if he really had a choice in the matter.

“I don’t even know if she’s alive,” Link spoke, but it wasn’t quite true. He couldn’t be certain, but a part of him simply felt that Zelda was, somehow, very much alive. It came with every warning she whispered out when the blood red moon was high in the sky. It came with every tap to the Sheikah Slate, which she once held and studied so dearly. It came with every glance towards Hyrule Castle, and each feeling of dread, of guilt that it caused. It came with every memory of her, whether she be submerged in a spring or invested in her studies. It came with the very life that filled the kingdom—the life that she’d been draining herself of for the past century.

“She is stronger than anyone gave her credit for. I would love to meet her.”

“She’s smart,” Link added, turning his gaze back to the ancient piece of technology in his hands. “Too smart. Research was her passion, and all that remains of it is with me. I hate to keep her waiting.”

“For you, Master Link, I believe she would wait however long it takes.”

If it were possible, she would. But fighting took so much that she didn’t have a forever to give. She’d served enough time.

“You said she loved me,” Link spoke at last. The words made his heart twist violently, like it wanted to wring out all of the pain. 

“Loves, yes,” Kass said softly, setting a feathered wing on his shoulder. “She loves many things and many people, and she loves very deeply. I believe it was my teacher’s one mistake—her sacrifice was not solely for you. Yet one does not throw themselves into the aim of a kill without harboring a deep connection.”

Link turned his gaze towards the castle again, wondering not for the first time if perhaps he’d loved her too. He woke with nothing, with hardly a name to himself, and still he followed her. She was but an echo in a vast and darkened tomb, and still he was compelled to listen to her, to obey her, to call out to this being that filled him with such a foreign familiarity. He’d never met her—not in this Hyrule, but he craved getting her back from the thing that had separated them a century ago. And he knew that simply being a knight devoted to his kingdom didn’t sink this far. Her voice was a comfort, her face in his memories was a safety he didn’t know he’d lost, and a simple knight attendant wouldn’t dream to see her smile, rumored as warm as the sun, with his own eyes.

And faintly, he could remember the feeling of her lips on his—a moment of clarity in what must’ve been the worst birthday on record. Goddesses, what he wouldn’t do to have her back.

“Can you love someone you don’t know?” Link wondered aloud, watching the clouds move slowly over the darkening backdrop of the sky. 

“There are little rules that love follows. Once you accept that, I think, then answers come easy.”

A soft sigh slipped past his lips. Kass was right of course, just as he always was, even if he didn’t know what to say to someone with a situation as twisted as his.

He knew Zelda before, had loved her before—and if the demon of destruction Calamity Ganon had become could surpass lifetimes on hatred alone, then why couldn’t love last past a century? It made him all the more anxious to end this, because only then would he know for sure. Only seeing her before him, feeling if she was truly solid, would answer his questions. And she was the only tie he had to his life over one hundred years ago.

“And if I fail? Again?” Link asked, and the weight of the Master Sword doubled, like the burden had never left his shoulders after all—because it hadn’t.

Everyone he’d met, they were all depending on him. And if he failed, then the events of a century ago would repeat. There would be no resurrection shrine this time, no sacred princess to hold the Calamity back as they waited for their hero. 

“I believe our fates have been set out long before us. There’s no changing what the goddesses have in store. Whatever happens was always meant to happen, and no fault for that lies on your shoulders, Master Link.”

“Would they let their kingdom burn?” Link said, gripping the Slate so tightly that his knuckles whitened. “Would they turn their backs on us again, on Zelda, after we’ve done nothing but show them loyalty?”

“Do you believe they would?”

He turned his gaze away, because he did. They’d already done so in the years they ignored Zelda’s pleadings. They’d already done so by allowing the slaughtering of Hyrule as their princess begged and cried for those same people to be saved. They’d done so by making their goddess incarnate wonder whether or not she was meant to be who she was. And they’d done so by ripping him from her grasp, then dropping him back into existence with nothing but a body and a deep, foreign sense of grief. And maybe this anger, this blame he felt towards the goddesses was not helping them to grant him the kindness he knew he needed for this journey. They’d taken everything from him, and now they expected him to turn to them for help and grovel at their feet and beg them to save their own kingdom.

How cruel the deities could be.

“It’s alright,” Kass continued, as if he simply knew. “I think everyone doubts their faith at times. With the suffering you’ve endured, how could you not?”

“What do you think?” Link asked. “About the gods.”

For once, the bard did not have an immediate reply. He hummed as he thought, and Link took to watching the first few stars peek through the dusk. A light twinkling at the end of the darkness. The irony was not lost on him.

“I think the more time that passes, the more clouded it becomes,” the Rito said at last. “The details of the goddesses become fuzzy, and we take to retelling victories alone. I think the gods of our world are very old, and communications have dwindled even in hours like these because they, too, are tired. But I know that we will never truly understand the gods. Oh, we may have our theories, but they have existed far longer than us.”

Link wondered partially if that was true. The sword told the tale of a thousand lifetimes, with a hero’s spirit tied to each one. And with every hero, there was a daughter of Hylia to go with them.

At this point, living a century after the time he once belonged in, he absolutely felt like a god that had lived forever. 

“I’m angry,” Link admitted, though he was sure he didn’t have to. “I’m angry they turned their back on us, and I’m angry for Zelda—that she’s had to fight alone for the past century after everything else she’d been through.”

“Are you also not fighting alone?” Kass asked. 

“No.” His reply was immediate, coming without a second thought, because he’d never truly been alone for any of this. Even before he met his newfound friends, Zelda guided him. And he could do no more than whisper into the air and hope that it carried on the winds to her, and that she was listening. “I’m not alone.”

“Neither is she,” the bard assured. “As long as there are people who remember her, and as long as you stand with intentions to help her, she will never be alone.”

The words made his voice catch and his lip tremble, so Link ducked his head and fiddled with the gloves over his hands. 

Zelda deserved the world as soon as she got out of her prison. It was time he stopped with his fears, because she was counting on him. All of Hyrule was counting on him—again. And he needed her like he’d known her his whole life.

“You'll be the first to meet her,” Link promised as he glanced to his friend. “She’ll love you.”

“It would be my honor, truly. And perhaps then I will write my own song about a boy who traversed mountains and deserts for the girl he held dear, and a girl who brought destruction to its knees for the people she loved.”

Link cracked a smile and said, “As long as I’m the first to hear it.”

“Oh, of course.”

He turned his gaze back towards the sky. The moon was just beginning to peak over the horizon, as big and white and calming as it belonged. He wondered vaguely if, wherever she was within that castle, she could see it too.

“I think I do love her,” he said softly.

“And there is no shame in that,” Kass replied. Another feathered wing was set upon his shoulder. He was grateful for the comfort. “I have faith that you will get her back for us. For you.”

“I’ll do anything.”

And he meant it.

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Religious Trauma Syndrome: How Some Organized Religion Leads to Mental Health Problems

By Valerie Tarico

Marlene Winell interviewed March 25, 2013

At age sixteen I began what would be a four year struggle with bulimia. When the symptoms started, I turned in desperation to adults who knew more than I did about how to stop shameful behavior—my Bible study leader and a visiting youth minister.  “If you ask anything in faith, believing,” they said. “It will be done.” I knew they were quoting [3] the Word of God. We prayed together, and I went home confident that God had heard my prayers. But my horrible compulsions didn’t go away. By the fall of my sophomore year in college, I was desperate and depressed enough that I made a suicide attempt. The problem wasn’t just the bulimia. I was convinced by then that I was a complete spiritual failure. My college counseling department had offered to get me real help (which they later did). But to my mind, at that point, such help couldn’t fix the core problem: I was a failure in the eyes of God. It would be years before I understood that my inability to heal bulimia through the mechanisms offered by biblical Christianity was not a function of my own spiritual deficiency but deficiencies in Evangelical religion itself.  

Dr. Marlene Winell is a human development consultant in the San Francisco Area. She is also the daughter of Pentecostal missionaries. This combination has given her work an unusual focus. For the past twenty years she has counseled men and women in recovery from various forms of fundamentalist religion including the Assemblies of God denomination in which she was raised. Winell is the author of Leaving the Fold – A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving their Religion [4], written during her years of private practice in psychology. Over the years, Winell has provided assistance to clients whose religious experiences were even more damaging than mine. Some of them are people whose psychological symptoms weren’t just exacerbated by their religion, but actually caused by it.  

Two years ago, Winell made waves by formally labeling what she calls “Religious Trauma Syndrome” (RTS) and beginning to write and speak on the subject for professional audiences. When the British Association of Behavioral and Cognitive Psychologists published a series of articles on the topic, members of a Christian counseling association protested what they called excessive attention to a “relatively niche topic.” One commenter said, “A religion, faith or book cannot be abuse but the people interpreting can make anything abusive.”

Is toxic religion simply misinterpretation? What is religious trauma? Why does Winell believe religious trauma merits its own diagnostic label?

Let’s start this interview with the basics. What exactly is religious trauma syndrome?

Winell: Religious trauma syndrome (RTS) is a set of symptoms and characteristics that tend to go together and which are related to harmful experiences with religion. They are the result of two things: immersion in a controlling religion and the secondary impact of leaving a religious group. The RTS label provides a name and description that affected people often recognize immediately. Many other people are surprised by the idea of RTS, because in our culture it is generally assumed that religion is benign or good for you. Just like telling kids about Santa Claus and letting them work out their beliefs later, people see no harm in teaching religion to children.

But in reality, religious teachings and practices sometimes cause serious mental health damage. The public is somewhat familiar with sexual and physical abuse in a religious context. As Journalist Janet Heimlich has documented in, Breaking Their Will, Bible-based religious groups that emphasize patriarchal authority in family structure and use harsh parenting methods can be destructive.

But the problem isn’t just physical and sexual abuse. Emotional and mental treatment in authoritarian religious groups also can be damaging because of 1) toxic teachings like eternal damnation or original sin 2) religious practices or mindset, such as punishment, black and white thinking, or sexual guilt, and 3) neglect that prevents a person from having the information or opportunities to develop normally.

Can you give me an example of RTS from your consulting practice?

Winell: I can give you many. One of the symptom clusters is around fear and anxiety. People indoctrinated into fundamentalist Christianity as small children sometimes have memories of being terrified by images of hell and apocalypse before their brains could begin to make sense of such ideas. Some survivors, who I prefer to call “reclaimers,” [8] have flashbacks, panic attacks, or nightmares in adulthood even when they intellectually no longer believe the theology. One client of mine, who during the day functioned well as a professional, struggled with intense fear many nights. She said,

“I was afraid I was going to hell. I was afraid I was doing something really wrong. I was completely out of control. I sometimes would wake up in the night and start screaming, thrashing my arms, trying to rid myself of what I was feeling. I’d walk around the house trying to think and calm myself down, in the middle of the night, trying to do some self-talk, but I felt like it was just something that – the fear and anxiety was taking over my life.” Or consider this comment, which refers to a film [9] used by evangelicals to warn about the horrors of the “end times” for nonbelievers.

“I was taken to see the film “A Thief In The Night”. WOW.  I am in shock to learn that many other people suffered the same traumas I lived with because of this film. A few days or weeks after the film viewing, I came into the house and mom wasn’t there. I stood there screaming in terror. When I stopped screaming, I began making my plan: Who my Christian neighbors were, who’s house to break into to get money and food. I was 12 years old and was preparing for Armageddon alone.”

In addition to anxiety, RTS can include depression, cognitive difficulties, and problems with social functioning. In fundamentalist Christianity, the individual is considered depraved and in need of salvation. A core message is “You are bad and wrong and deserve to die.” (The wages of sin is death [10].) This gets taught to millions of children through organizations like Child Evangelism Fellowship [11] and there is a group organized [12]  to oppose their incursion into public schools.  I’ve had clients who remember being distraught when given a vivid bloody image of Jesus paying the ultimate price for their sins. Decades later they sit telling me that they can’t manage to find any self-worth.

“After twenty-seven years of trying to live a perfect life, I failed. . . I was ashamed of myself all day long. My mind battling with itself with no relief. . . I always believed everything that I was taught but I thought that I was not approved by God. I thought that basically I, too, would die at Armageddon.

“I’ve spent literally years injuring myself, cutting and burning my arms, taking overdoses and starving myself, to punish myself so that God doesn’t have to punish me. It’s taken me years to feel deserving of anything good.”

Born-again Christianity and devout Catholicism [13] tell people they are weak and dependent, calling on phrases like “lean not unto your own understanding [14]” or “trust and obey [11].” People who internalize these messages can suffer from learned helplessness. I’ll give you an example from a client who had little decision-making ability after living his entire life devoted to following the “will of God.” The words here don’t convey the depth of his despair.

“I have an awful time making decisions in general. Like I can’t, you know, wake up in the morning, “What am I going to do today?” Like I don’t even know where to start. You know all the things I thought I might be doing are gone and I’m not sure I should even try to have a career; essentially I babysit my four-year-old all day.”

Authoritarian religious groups are subcultures where conformity is required in order to belong. Thus if you dare to leave the religion, you risk losing your entire support system as well.

“I lost all my friends. I lost my close ties to family. Now I’m losing my country. I’ve lost so much because of this malignant religion and I am angry and sad to my very core. . . I have tried hard to make new friends, but I have failed miserably. . . I am very lonely.”

Leaving a religion, after total immersion, can cause a complete upheaval of a person’s construction of reality, including the self, other people, life, and the future. People unfamiliar with this situation, including therapists, have trouble appreciating the sheer terror it can create.

“My form of religion was very strongly entrenched and anchored deeply in my heart. It is hard to describe how fully my religion informed, infused, and influenced my entire worldview. My first steps out of fundamentalism were profoundly frightening and I had frequent thoughts of suicide. Now I’m way past that but I still haven’t quite found “my place in the universe.”

Even for a person who was not so entrenched, leaving one’s religion can be a stressful and significant transition.

Many people seem to walk away from their religion easily, without really looking back. What is different about the clientele you work with?

Winell: Religious groups that are highly controlling, teach fear about the world, and keep members sheltered and ill-equipped to function in society are harder to leave easily. The difficulty seems to be greater if the person was born and raised in the religion rather than joining as an adult convert. This is because they have no frame of reference – no other “self” or way of “being in the world.” A common personality type is a person who is deeply emotional and thoughtful and who tends to throw themselves wholeheartedly into their endeavors. “True believers” who then lose their faith feel more anger and depression and grief than those who simply went to church on Sunday.

Aren’t these just people who would be depressed, anxious, or obsessive anyways?

Winell: Not at all. If my observation is correct, these are people who are intense and involved and caring. They hang on to the religion longer than those who simply “walk away” because they try to make it work even when they have doubts. Sometimes this is out of fear, but often it is out of devotion. These are people for whom ethics, integrity and compassion matter a great deal. I find that when they get better and rebuild their lives, they are wonderfully creative and energetic about new things.

In your mind, how is RTS different from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Winell: RTS is a specific set of symptoms and characteristics that are connected with harmful religious experience, not just any trauma. This is crucial to understanding the condition and any kind of self-help or treatment. (More details about this can be found on my Journey Free [15] website and discussed in my talk [16] at the Texas Freethought Convention.)

Another difference is the social context, which is extremely different from other traumas or forms of abuse. When someone is recovering from domestic abuse, for example, other people understand and support the need to leave and recover. They don’t question it as a matter of interpretation, and they don’t send the person back for more. But this is exactly what happens to many former believers who seek counseling. If a provider doesn’t understand the source of the symptoms, he or she may send a client for pastoral counseling, or to AA, or even to another church. One reclaimer expressed her frustration this way:

“Include physically-abusive parents who quote “Spare the rod and spoil the child” as literally as you can imagine and you have one fucked-up soul: an unloved, rejected, traumatized toddler in the body of an adult. I’m simply a broken spirit in an empty shell. But wait...That’s not enough!? There’s also the expectation by everyone in society that we victims should celebrate this with our perpetrators every Christmas and Easter!!”

Just like disorders such as autism or bulimia, giving RTS a real name has important advantages. People who are suffering find that having a label for their experience helps them feel less alone and guilty. Some have written to me to express their relief:

“There’s actually a name for it! I was brainwashed from birth and wasted 25 years of my life serving Him! I’ve since been out of my religion for several years now, but I cannot shake the haunting fear of hell and feel absolutely doomed. I’m now socially inept, unemployable, and the only way I can have sex is to pay for it.”

Labeling RTS encourages professionals to study it more carefully, develop treatments, and offer training. Hopefully, we can even work on prevention.

What do you see as the difference between religion that causes trauma and religion that doesn’t?

Winell: Religion causes trauma when it is highly controlling and prevents people from thinking for themselves and trusting their own feelings. Groups that demand obedience and conformity produce fear, not love and growth. With constant judgment of self and others, people become alienated from themselves, each other, and the world. Religion in its worst forms causes separation.

Conversely, groups that connect people and promote self-knowledge and personal growth can be said to be healthy. The book, Healthy Religion [17], describes these traits. Such groups put high value on respecting differences, and members feel empowered as individuals.  They provide social support, a place for events and rites of passage, exchange of ideas, inspiration, opportunities for service, and connection to social causes. They encourage spiritual practices that promote health like meditation or principles for living like the golden rule. More and more, non-theists are asking [18] how they can create similar spiritual communities without the supernaturalism. An atheist congregation [19] in London launched this year and has received over 200 inquiries from people wanting to replicate their model.

Some people say that terms like “recovery from religion” and “religious trauma syndrome” are just atheist attempts to pathologize religious belief.

Winell: Mental health professionals have enough to do without going out looking for new pathology. I never set out looking for a “niche topic,” and certainly not religious trauma syndrome. I originally wrote a paper for a conference of the American Psychological Association and thought that would be the end of it. Since then, I have tried to move on to other things several times, but this work has simply grown.

In my opinion, we are simply, as a culture, becoming aware of religious trauma. More and more people are leaving religion, as seen by polls [20] showing that the “religiously unaffiliated” have increased in the last five years from just over 15% to just under 20% of all U.S. adults. It’s no wonder the internet is exploding with websites for former believers from all religions, providing forums [21] for people to support each other. The huge population of people “leaving the fold” includes a subset at risk for RTS, and more people are talking about it and seeking help.  For example, there are thousands of former Mormons [22], and I was asked to speak about RTS at an Exmormon Foundation conference.  I facilitate an international support group online called Release and Reclaim [23]  which has monthly conference calls. An organization called Recovery from Religion, [24] helps people start self-help meet-up groups

Saying that someone is trying to pathologize authoritarian religion is like saying someone pathologized eating disorders by naming them. Before that, they were healthy? No, before that we weren’t noticing. People were suffering, thought they were alone, and blamed themselves.  Professionals had no awareness or training. This is the situation of RTS today. Authoritarian religion is already pathological, and leaving a high-control group can be traumatic. People are already suffering. They need to be recognized and helped. _______________________________

Statistics update:

Numbers of American ‘nones’ continues to rise

October 18, 2019

By David Crary – Associated Press

The portion of Americans with no religious affiliation is rising significantly, in tandem with a sharp drop in the percentage that identifies as Christians, according to new data from the Pew Research Center. …

Pew says all categories of the religiously unaffiliated population – often referred to as the “nones” grew in magnitude. Self-described atheists now account for 4% of U.S. adults, up from 2% in 2009; agnostics account for 5%, up from 3% a decade ago; and 17% of Americans now describe their religion as “nothing in particular,” up from 12% in 2009.

https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2019/1018/Numbers-of-American-nones-continues-to-rise

_______________________________

Marlene Winell interviewed by Valerie Tarico on recovering from religious trauma Uploaded on January 31, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIfABmbqSMA

24:12

On Moral Politics, a TV program with host Dr. Valerie Tarico, Marlene Winell describes the trauma that can result from harmful experiences with religious indoctrination. Dr. Winell explains that mental health issues are widespread and need to be understood just as we understand PTSD. There are steps to recovery, treatment modalities, and resources available as well. She now refers to this as RTS or Religious Trauma Syndrome. _______________________________

Links:
 
[3] https://www.biblestudyonjesuschrist.com/pog/ask1.htm 
[4] https://marlenewinell.net/leaving-fold-former 
[8] https://journeyfree.org/article/reclaimers/ 
[9] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Thief_in_the_Night_%28film%29 
[10] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+6%3A23&version=KJV 
[11] https://valerietarico.com/2011/02/04/our-public-schools-their-mission-field/ 
[12] http://www.intrinsicdignity.com/ 
[13] https://www.maryjohnson.co/an-unquenchable-thirst/ 
[14] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV [15] https://journeyfree.org/category/uncategorized/ [16] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qrE4pMBlis 
[17] https://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Religion-Psychological-Guide-Mature/dp/1425924166 [18] https://www.humanistchaplaincy.org/ [19] https://www.christianpost.com/news/london-atheist-church-model-looking-to-expand-worldwide-91516 [20] https://www.pewforum.org/2012/10/09/nones-on-the-rise/ 
[21] https://new.exchristian.net/ 
[22] https://www.exmormon.org/ 
[23] https://journeyfree.org/group-forum/ [24] https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/

_____________________________________

Get God’s Self-Appointed Messengers Out of Your Head

Valerie Tarico Which buzz phrases from your past are stuck in your brain? “God’s messengers” were all real complicated people with biases, blind spots, favorite foods and morning breath. They were not gods and they are not you. So how can you get them out of your head or at least reduce them to muffled background noise?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElfyYA420F0

[happikattwuzheere]

was gonna try and do multiple characters in one post but nope! i have too much to say. also the pictures are all different sizes so its rly hard to get the photoset to look appealing, so we’re starting w/ blue. and also a colored pic of what adam looks like when he’s not a deer. boy’s tryin not to stand out. which goes great up for him right up until it doesn’t. lmao. i’ll talk a bit about him too w/ stuff that didnt get mentioned in the starter post about him and gansey, but this is mostly gonna be about blue. 

SO. 

there’s this fey entity, right? i don’t have a name for them, but they’re not...they didnt START the fey/human conflict, but they are benefiting from it, politically speaking? and when maura was younger, despite other witches being like “girl dont choose sides, we’re witches, we guard boundaries but we don’t choose sides,” was hotheaded and brash and went “ok but fuck that though” and one thing led to another and she ended up getting a curse on her firstborn. Oops. that’s where the kissing curse comes from, here; i’ll get into that much later in a text post probably but gansey’s survivor’s guilt thing doesnt come from him actually dying in this au it’s from something Else, but blue will still kill him if she kisses him, just, for different reasons, it’s an actual curse this time and not something to do with the nature of who they both are. 

her father’s still a tree light, but like, she actually knows that from the outset? because. they live in cabeswater. the tree lights are all around and accept her as one of their own even if she can’t turn into a tree, and as a result of that, she’s got some cool perks. 

a) extremely resistant and/or outright immune to a Lot of fey bullshit 

b) still boosts psychic energies and magical powers like in canon

c) the absolute safest person to be traveling in cabeswater ever, because the forest itself loves her, and also if you mess with her within the borders of cabeswater a bunch of tree lights will physically manifest and be like “hey buddy wanna think twice about that”

but she can’t use magic herself, still, which actually works in the favor of herself and the coven--witchcraft is in a sort of weird spot, culturally, where it’s both feared and often hated, but also understood to at times be necessary, especially by rural peoples like those of the village. im taking a very discworld spin on the witchcraft, because i love discworld and you can’t stop me, and so the attitude is, like. its frightening ancient magic and the church hates it but when there’s an emergency and someone’s on the border between life and death, or something is trying to pass into this world from another, etc etc etc, then you gotta suck it up and call on a witch because they’re the only ones who can deal with those things. so. the coven is tolerated, both because it’s too big and powerful to actually fight but also because it’s extremely needed when you live in a village right next door to fey lands. you NEED someone watching the border. however that doesn’t mean anyone wants to be seen publicly talking to a witch--but blue’s not a witch. she’s a witch’s daughter, but she’s not a witch herself, which is a step removed enough that she can go into town and run errands and also people will maybe pull her discretely aside and tell her if something’s coming up that the coven should know about, and it all works very neatly with her acting as a sort of liaison. very important role she plays, which is why gansey tries talking to her after his initial attempt to speak with the coven directly fails. 

speaking of the coven itself: i’ve been calling it the fox way coven, even tho it probably wouldn’t be called that because there’s no road called fox way that the coven is built on, it’s a big magic house out in the fairy forest, BUT they do have a fox theme because i love foxes and this is a gift i have been given. if people have familiars in this coven, they’re foxes rather than cats, because as wonderful as cats are u cant have them and foxes in the same house that will go bad. but also there’s a v small number of them, like maybe three or four total out of the much higher number of women living there, who are fey blooded like adam, but who become foxes rather than adam’s deer. persephone is one of these! (it’s worth noting the reason why they become the same animal is because of a combination of coincidence, intentional theming, and mostly just because like, virtually all of the residents there aside from persephone are related to either maura or calla) 

anyway the point is, because of this, blue’d seen enough feyblood transformations that when, one day when she was 9 or 10, on a visit to town, she saw the most distressed, disoriented fawn wobbling around frantically and was able to very quickly recognize that that was, in fact, a person who had probably turned into a deer for the first time, and responded by very calmly informing him that she knew who could help and leading him home. this is where those last two pictures come from, and how adam’s apprenticeship started. 

like, there was a lot of arguing from the witches immediately--of course we’re going to teach him how to become human again but we aren’t really going to take him on in the coven are we? he’s a boy, he’s some local kid we know nothing about, what happened to keeping it in the family, he’s the wrong animal and we’ve got a whole thing going on--at which point persephone parted everyone like the red sea, took one look at adam, went “mine now” and despite a lot of grumbling that was the end of it. she took him on a bit of a tour of cabeswater a few days later, after he’d had time to think it over, and he felt so drawn to the forest that he agreed to the apprenticeship.

so he’s technically persephone’s apprentice but like in actual practice he’s being taught by the entire coven lmao, ANYWAY

adam being adam also had a backup plan for trying to get out of the village--even at ten he figured witchcraft might be a first way out of there, he was already thinking about it, but by thirteen when the good ole abuse started (and at which point the last whispers of dissent died out very quickly amongst the coven, nope, adam is one of us now, do you want us to very threateningly hang out in your front yard sometime because we can do that--what do you mean no, let us do this,) he was also like. i dont think this is a guarantee of getting out of here i need a second job. and the thing is, as was mentioned in the original post, the fey blood also means adam’s got issues with iron; it’ll poison him if he’s stabbed with it but it also reacts to his skin touching it like a hot stove. he’s fine if there’s a layer between his skin and the iron, but if he touches it directly, it’s Bad. so ofc this headstrong idiot takes an open spot a t a metalworker’s in the village because adam is the king of making bad decisions. the witches have a betting pool on how long it’ll take him to out himself. “its fine i’ll wear gloves,” he says. “it’s the perfect disguise no one will expect someone with fey connections to work near so much iron,” he says. “i have everything perfectly under control,” he says.

anyway he totally forgets to wear gloves before grabbing an iron tool while his dad and his boss are both in the store and in clear view of him and that’s why he was getting chased by hunters when gansey rescued him 

also he and blue tried dating when they were like 13-14 and it ended about as badly as in canon and they made up later and by the time the story starts they’ve settled into very much being weird siblings. adam starts hanging out with gansey initially to try and basically spy on him, figure out why he’s here, but ends up rly liking the guy and deciding his reasons are sincerely to try and help people, and he tells this to blue who starts immediately accusing him of having a crush on the lordling and being a class traitor, because she does NOT like gansey at this point and really the nobility all prefer wizards to witches which is a stupid idiot decision and frankly the fact that this lordling is apparently enamored by some random deer is hilarious to her, but even moreso is the fact that adam actually defends the lordling to her, like, “wow adam its hilarious that the lordling’s friend thinks that you have charmed the lordling because from my perspective it looks the other way around” “shut uuuup you’re not listening im serious, like, yeah ok he put his foot in his mouth really hard when he talked to you but im telling you i dont think the whole i-wanna-understand thing is an act” “idk if i can trust you through those rose tinted glasses buddy. tell me again about that time he called you princely?” “oh my god” 

this is turning into rambling but. thats the gist of the witches and blue esp thank u for coming if u made it this far here’s a bonus persephone fox 

[lookbluesoup]

I’ve seen a lot of talk about anti anti culture lately and an emphasis on canceling people who write stories where bad things happen (i.e., rape, molestation, abuse). I’m really interested in facilitating a positive, open space here on my blog. So sharing my personal opinion about this at all is something I thought about for a while, and my hope is that it offers a helpful perspective as well as solidarity to people who use fiction the same way as me.

It’s not directed at anyone in particular or any event in particular. The tl;dr version is – people should always have a choice, they should be allowed to read or choose not to read, they should be allowed to write and share or choose not to write or share. Taking that choice away from people ultimately hurts survivors by making topics taboo and forcing everyone to fit a specific moral narrative for their pain or experiences to be valid.

Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, cancel culture, child molestation, depression, suicide, dogmatic religion, homophobia

1. These things DO happen in real life, and yes, they are harmful, and yes, reading about them can be triggering. Fully, completely acknowledge all of these things and have experienced my share of it firsthand.

2. People should be allowed to know before they get invested in a story whether triggers might be present so that they can choose to avoid it if they want to. It is their choice, and responsibility to decide not to read something that is appropriately tagged. (And please, please tag appropriately!)

3. Being interested in reading about dark subjects does not make a person evil. Somewhere between 31-57 percent of women admit to having rape fantasies. (x) That does not mean women want to be raped in real life. It does not mean that half the population of women are perverted degenerates. Reading fiction, like indulging in our fantasies, is a safe place to explore and enjoy sensations, dramas, and experiences we still don’t want in real life.

In less touchy examples - I love reading about gladiator arena battles! I love playing apocalyptic games where monsters jump out of the dark and scare the shit out of me! I do not want gladiator rings or to live in an apocalypse in real life! That doesn’t mean my interest in these stories or games condones them in real life. It doesn’t mean I think it was right that Rome irl forced slaves to fight to the death for entertainment.

4. I grew up in an environment without grey areas. The dogmatic Bible-beating hatemongering kind. Someone was good and did everything right according to my beliefs and worldview, or someone was bad and a direct threat to me. If I did something wrong, I had to punish myself physically and emotionally to make up for not being perfect. I was taught to despise myself. My parents believed there was only one correct way to view any situation - their way. I was petrified of punishment and learned that it wasn’t even worth trying to do better or accommodate someone else’s experiences because I would never measure up and would be condemned for doing something that wasn’t perfect. That is immensely, cripplingly harmful to an individual and to society. Cancel culture does the same thing. It excommunicates people who aren’t pure and allows others to get by with abuse because they are ‘teaching’ or an ‘authority on morality’ – and guess what? Nobody is pure. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we are all learning. None of us have moral authority.

We cannot build a healthy, inclusive society if we are unsafe. We cannot be safe if we are not allowed to first admit that we ALL make mistakes and have prejudices that we can improve on. So we need to be kind and nonjudgmental whenever we have the chance to be. And we have to accept and respect that what’s fun or helpful or healing for us might be the opposite for someone else, or vice versa. Which is okay if we are respectful of each other’s boundaries and don’t try to force a way of being onto someone else without their consent.

5. With regard to writing, this means that people need to be allowed to explore difficult, even painful topics if they wish to. Even for fun. Even if someone else might not want or need to explore those same topics. That doesn’t make either person inherently evil or wrong. It just means we all have different needs and wants and diversity is normal. 

As a serious example, as someone who was molested by a teenage neighbor as a child, I can guarantee you that the fact these topics were considered so disgusting and taboo by society made it very difficult for me to cope. It was not my fault, and I’ve healed from it, but when it happened I didn’t even understand what was going on, and the guilt and self-blame that followed me for years afterward were almost crippling. So yes – what happened to me in real life was wrong, inexcusable behavior. But censorship did not protect me. First it made me ignorant and vulnerable to manipulation, and then it made me feel dirty, disgusting, and isolated. 

What I needed was a safe avenue to talk about it and the thoughts and sensations it stirred up, in order to heal. I needed to know it was okay to have automatic thoughts – they were a result of fear and trauma or even just being human, not a moral failing on my part. I needed to actually talk about and explore what I had felt openly, and how that related to the rest of my life, before I could move past it and have a healthy view of intimate acts that weren’t soaked in guilt and self-loathing.

I read a book after that happened, set in ancient Rome, where pederasty took place. And the victim was allowed to admit that he’d enjoyed some of what had happened to him while enslaved, and was then assured that even though he didn’t hate everything that he experienced, it didn’t make him to blame, nor his abuser right, and those thoughts/feelings did not define him or his morality. That has been immensely healing to me – but this ‘grey’ exploration of a topic is not compatible with mainstream cancel culture.

Or alternatively, I watched the series 13 Reasons Why. I hated it. It felt like nothing but shock value entertainment and not a respectful management of topics like suicide that were very, VERY real to me. Except for someone else I knew who had also struggled with suicidal thoughts and impulses, 13 Reasons Why was immensely validating. They were glad that a series showed such graphic representation of these events in a way that couldn’t be ignored or brushed over. What had been hurtful to me, was empowering to them.

I believe it is not mine, or anyone else’s place, to decide that a piece of media should be across the board banned because of what it might do. Because while some of us share traumas, we still each have different experiences, needs, and healing processes.

Such strict censorship allows for only victims who meet a certain “standard” to receive care and healing. The rest are left to suffer or are even punished further.

All of us have gone through life with vastly different levels of privilege, opportunity, expectations, etc, which leads to vastly different interpretations of the world, none of which are 100% correct or true.

6. Cancel culture hurts LGBTQ+ rights. I’m neither straight or cis, and I might never have learned that if I hadn’t been able to build friendships outside of my social circle who allowed me to integrate and ask questions without being obligated to agree with them. Where I grew up, there was immense prejudice against gay people. My cousin was disowned and disinherited for coming out. I was sheltered from anyone who might argue for gay rights, and discouraged from looking at or being curious of the deep south’s version of ‘problematic.’ That’s what I was taught – to be uncomfortable toward, judgmental, and condemning. If I had been on tumblr during those years and gotten ‘cancelled’ I would have been even more suspicious and condemning of Others, and even more determined that my way was the only right one. I specifically avoided tumblr social circles because I ‘knew’ they hated ‘people like me.’ It’s not exclusive. This trend where people become even more convinced to pick an opposing side because the Other person is being hateful is one of the first things they teach you in social psychology. 

The kind of intolerance that goes with mobbing people for saying anything they consider problematic at all is the same cruelty that makes me unable to tell my parents I identify as agender or pan. It’s what gets women stoned to death and gays beheaded. It’s not moral. 

What changed my point of view was friendships. One of my friends came out as gay and my world turned upside down because here was someone that didn’t match any of the stereotypes I’d been taught to fear. He wasn’t hateful or condemning of me, he was one of the most thoughtful and peaceful people I knew. That is what started to change things for me, and made it safe for me to explore other ways of thinking and interpretations of scripture. Because I cared about him more than I needed to be right.

7. Nobody is obligated to interact with someone who is being violent or hateful to them. You’re not even obligated to interact with someone you disagree with, if the topic is too painful or you simply don’t want to talk about it. Keep yourselves safe. But within the world of writing, live and let live. If someone posts a story you don’t like, and they’ve tagged it appropriately, please, please consider that your experience is not universal. You have the choice not to read that story. Someone else might need to read it. Let them, and don’t shame them for it.