#like idk wait until they become more of a myth than a person ? to write fanfiction aus about them ?

[so-much-for-the-seashells]

about ur Logan headcanons…

him n his pregnant wife 🥺🥺

OMG YES!!!!!

Okay okay wait I’m so excited, thank you so much for the ask anon!!

Minors don’t interact!

(Dw it’s not all smut just some of it is <3) (teeny bit of breeding kink given the circumstances)

(Btw I would really really appreciate some comments because my last post got like 800 some (thank you btw!!) likes/blank reblogs and one comment 😭 you don’t have to but it would make my day!!)

-first, he literally will NOT leave you alone. You’re sleeping? He’s laying there too, pretending to sleep. You’re in the bathroom? He’s outside the door- hell, he’d go in there with you if you’d let him. He’s so so scared that your water will just magically break (even while you’re only a month in) and also so so obsessed with the fact that you’re gonna be parents

-that being said, this man would NEVER admit to it but he’s bought like 5 parenting books that he all but knows by heart. He’ll read them when you fall asleep, his old man glasses low on his nose as he does.

-he’s also been writing letters to your future child as the pregnancy goes on, one per month. “I don’t know what your name is yet, kid, but your mom and I can’t wait to meet you.” And it’s in his precious old man cursive and I can guarantee you that when you see it you’ll be crying for seven hours

-he loves brainstorming names with you. I personally see him as a girl dad and wanting a girl, but he’s still thinking of any and all possibilities. And he’s still gonna love it to death if it’s a boy, don’t you worry about him

-but because he’s so old so many of the names he picks are somewhat dated, and it’s ADORABLE. Ulysses, Ethel, Martha, etc.

-he’s been insistent on doing basically everything- the cooking, the cleaning, the building of the baby furniture. Except he usually needs your help, or for you to throw some seasoning on the food behind his back. But he doesn’t want his pretty baby with his baby to have to lift a single finger

-ESPECIALLY in the bedroom. This mf… he believes every single myth he sees on the internet, so he’s SUPER gentle and will always wear a condom, both of which are unheard of prior to your pregnancy.

-which is SUCH a switch from how he was while you guys were trying for a baby…

-see, Logan’s always had this raging breeding kink.

-so after many serious conversations leading into the decision that the both of you wanted to try for a kid…

-let’s just say Logan was more than ready

-the amount of money that had to go into sheets during this period was actually crazy

-look, Logan always fucks

-but when he was able to let his breeding kink take control, he was absolutely feral

-the moment you would get home from work he would pounce on you, ripping off your clothes before you even had a second to say hello

-you’d have already come three times before he’d throw you down, bending you in half into the mating press and absolutely ravishing you, pounding you deeper and deeper into the mattress

-and the mouth on him was FILTHY

-“can’t wait for everyone to see who you belong to.” “You’re gonna keep taking it until it takes, and then I’m gonna make you take it some more.” “Gonna look so pretty with that tummy all round with our baby.”

-he would make you cry and see stars in the absolute best way possible

-and then it took and all of a sudden he was more gentle than a… idk gentle thing? 😭

-the duality of man I tell you

-he’s gets so cuddly and it’s absolutely adorable. He’s always been one to lay his head on your lap of snuggle into you but now?? He’s always pulling you into his lap, his hand is always on your belly

-he loves how soft and squishy you’re becoming, especially your thighs and your breasts

-when you’re achey he’s quick to massage you, when you’re feeling sick he’s right there to hold your hair

-did I mention the cooking? Listen this man is really bad at cooking but he’s trying so hard with Martha Stewart and Gordon Ramsey videos. You can hear him calling himself an idiot sandwich when he fucks up, and it’s hilarious. Meanwhile you’ll be on the couch with one of your pregnancy cravings foods, pad thai with curry from two restaurants from two separate parts of town. Yes, Logan went and got it for you. 🥹

-he literally gets anything you want too, he’s wrapped around your finger. A miniverse, marshmallows and pickles? He’s got you. That very specific lip gloss that tastes really good? Done. Literally anything you want he’s getting it without question.

-he even watches whatever you want with minimal complaint

-he’s also already spoiling the child and it hasn’t even been born yet, the nursery has everything you can imagine. Toys, books, stuffed animals, games, legos, wall decor, literally everything

-and you guys don’t even know the gender so you both just threw a dart at a color wheel and themed the room after whatever color it ended on

-he wants to give this kid the life he never had, and there’s no doubt he will

-Logan Howlett is going to be a wonderful father, and he’s so excited to love on your child just as much as he loves on you

-<3

Xx

If you want your own set of headcanons or blurb fic, hit me up!!

[kii2me2ii2]

I just saw a post that was like "rip stede bonnet you would've loved x & y" and like... you know that guy was like. a real person. like most of the time it's like "not my business" w historical rpf but when you say RIP to an actual dead person who was once alive my brain is going to relate that to the actual dead person. no that old man would NOT have loved those stairs !!!!!

[authoratmidnight]

I can’t remember if I’ve done a ‘why you should watch Mairuma’ before on here but I’mma do one anyways.

Do you like found family?

Do you like the concept of magic schools?

Do you like friend group shenanigans?

Do you like isekai (’other world’) types of stories?

Well, allow me to introduce you to Mairimashita! Iruma-kun aka Welcome to Demon School! Iruma-kun

The title alone certainly tells you some of what you’re in for but here’s the run down.

14 year old Suzuki Iruma has just been sold by his (crappy) parents to a demon for a lot of money. Why? Idk b/c they suck. So what’s a kid to do in this sort of situation? Get adopted by said demon to become his grandson of course.

The demon lord, Sullivan, has no kids of his own, but he sure wants a grandchild to spoil and dote on. So time for a ‘life hack’ (his words not mine) to obtain one.

Which of course means that now, Iruma has to go to school (which he’s never done before b/c his parents basically made his work as soon as he could walk), specifically a demon school. There’s also another hitch. See. Demons consider humans a delicacy (despite the fact that mot of them think humans are just myths) so Iruma now has to try and keep his head down and survive school and ensure no one finds out his secret. But going unnoticed is really hard when your guardian is ALSO the headmaster at the school and draws attention to you at every possible opportunity because ‘look at my adorable grandson!’

It’s a delightful mix of comedy, drama and heartwarming as Iruma tries to navigate this absolutely absurd world, make friends and keep anyone from discovering that he’s not a demon. Which such shenanigans as

-summoning his first familiar (a human using demon summoning magic, what could *possibly* go wrong)

-making his first friends

-learning all about demons/their way of life

-joining a club!

-befriending some upperclassmen

-idols

-nearly dying multiple times b/c he is still a human and lacks many things demons have like wings. and magic.

And including a cast that contains(to list a few):

-a ball of pure chaos

-the biggest Iruma simp ever Iruma’s biggest supporter ever (outside of his grandpa)

-giant jock-nerd with big ambitions (he’s very good tho)

-a subversion of the asshole teacher trope (as in, despite how he acts he /does/ care about his mischievous students, he’d just sooner launch himself into the sun before admitting it out loud tho)

-a manga loving student council president

-a soft senpai

-doting grandpa

-said grandpa’s cat-person butler (also dotes on Iruma, sort of like a surrogate parent)

The anime itself is incredibly bright and colourful and wonderfully expressive. To quote someone else describing the anime it’s ‘early 2000’s anime meets Saturday morning cartoon‘.

It has both a sub AND dub and tbh, they’re both good. Aside from wording choice in a few places they’re basically the same. It’s not particularly long at 23 episodes. Very bingeable. And you can watch it on Crunchyroll!

Oh but wait, there’s MORE!

See, there’s a second season, arriving on April 17th, set to be 22 episodes in length and should contain such shenanigans as:

-Iruma joins the student council

-the introduction of several new characters

-Iruma’s class working together to achieve a simple goal (get a new classroom cause theirs kinda, sucks)

-Fun times at the local amusement park (until it goes tits up)

and more!

We only have a trailer thus far but it looks spectacular and the animation even better than season 1! I know I am excited for it. (we don’t know yet who’s gonna get it for subbing purposes)

And if you still want more after watching everything, there’s a manga as well! With 198 chapters it’s still ongoing (but well ahead of the anime). The art is beautiful and the story is great! While there’s no official english release (yet, at the time of writing this, we’re keeping our fingers crossed) there IS a dedicated translation team and new chapters are released weekly.

So I absolutely recommend checking this series out! :D

[rainbuckets8]

Why you should watch RWBY

TL;DR:

Summary: RWBY is an epic fantasy with themes like found family, the struggle to remain hopeful, the younger generation growing up, villain redemption, and systemic evils.

Strengths: RWBY has unique and memorable characters. The show is smart. It has excellent cinematography and animation. It has representation. It tackles hard topics. It’s got incredible music and it’s free on RT’s website.

Weaknesses: RWBY has some early growing pains, specifically volume 2’s finale, as well as budget and polish. Later on, volume 4 is weaker than the rest. Volume 8's finale is extremely distressing for a lot of viewers (and we haven't seen the follow up to those events yet). The fandom can be bad at times.

Misinformation: The early volumes being bad, the racism plot line, and the animation (not the same as “budget and polish”) are not as bad as you may have heard from YouTube.

Suggested viewing order

Red Trailer, White Trailer, Black Trailer, Yellow Trailer

Volume 1

Volume 2

Volume 3

Volume 4 Character Short

Volume 4

Volume 5 Weiss Character Short, Volume 5 Blake Character Short, Volume 5 Yang Character Short

Volume 5

Volume 6 Adam Character Short

Volume 6

Volume 7

Volume 8

(I did my best to make this spoiler-free. When there are spoilers, they’re worded ambiguously enough that someone new to the show would never guess what’s going to happen just by reading this.)

What to expect

The world of Remnant is filled with monsters called the creatures of Grimm. Warriors called Huntsmen and Huntresses defend humanity. Ruby, Weiss, Blake, and Yang go to school to become the next generation of heroes. Together they make Team RWBY (pronounced, “Ruby”)! Joining them is team JNPR (“Juniper”), made up of Jaune, Nora, Pyrrha, and Ren. But evils even more dangerous than the Grimm are ready to make their move, and school quickly becomes an afterthought…

(I mention these next two topics specifically bc they can immediately turn someone away based on bad expectations.) There is a fantasy school setting, but RWBY is not a show about school. School topics are not a dominant idea: it seems to resemble a setting like Harry Potter, but the actual focus of the show rarely touches on things like classes or homework or tests, and we quickly move on. There is romance and it has a role in the plot, but RWBY is not a romance show. On the scale of romance in FMAB to She-Ra, RWBY falls somewhere in the middle.

What is RWBY about, then? RWBY is like an epic fantasy or high fantasy, despite first appearances. Perhaps not every genre convention is followed, but at its core, RWBY is about an epic struggle of good and evil.

RWBY contains themes such as found family, the struggle to remain hopeful, the younger generation growing up, villain redemption, and systemic evils.

Strengths of the show

The characters are unique and memorable. One of the cool things is that they all draw inspiration from a real life fairy tale, myth, or something else. They designs are all top notch. One character who died with extremely little screen time even got so much fandom love, they included the character in a mid-hiatus short later. The characters have unique weapons, too; in the world of Remnant, a weapon is an extension of ones’ soul, and they reflect the variety of their owners. They’re also just plain cool; Monty was famous for following the “Rule of Cool.” And their individual stories are all compelling and interesting.

The show is smart. As a fandom, we generally pick up on the narrative hints the creators are dropping. And our predictions usually come true, but not in a way that makes the show predictable and boring. We very rarely guess exactly what will happen, but we have some similar idea of it. It’s just excellent foreshadowing.

RWBY also likes to play with tropes, as an extension of this. Often it will challenge them, or subvert expectations. In other cases, RWBY uses tropes to avoid showing us what we already know will happen. This occurs in both characters and plot. For example…

SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR VOLUME ONE FOR THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH: Jaune’s entire character arc is about trying to be the anime protagonist, and learning that he doesn’t have to do things alone, and it’s ok to be a support main. The show sets up the narrative in a way that looks like, oh of course the direction it will go is him becoming the main character, but then it destroys toxic masculinity instead.

Our characters are smart, too. Plot-induced stupidity generally doesn’t happen. (A few big mistakes or errors in this regard aren’t actually the fault of the narrative, either, but animation and miscommunication and failure to execute. And those aren’t common.) It goes beyond just “not being dumb,” however. The villains’ plans are incredibly clever, and our heroes sometimes even guess at the usual “plot twists.”

The cinematography is just incredible. There are numerous freeze frames with extreme attention to detail that reveal character motivations or arcs or foreshadowing, there are many effective cuts and moving parts, there are soooo many parallels and callbacks, and visual cues such as lighting and color all are used appropriately to convey emotion and assist the narrative. It is one of the biggest overlooked strengths of the show, imo, simply because a lot of people in the fandom don’t notice these things as much for whatever reason, or else don’t give as much praise about them.

The animation is extremely good as well. Budget issues and technology issues aside (which means a lack of polish), the actual animation? The fight choreography, and all the other parts of animation that aren’t just “expensive CGI” are all wonderful. You can have very shiny, polished turds after all, and RWBY is like the opposite: not very polished, especially early on, but very well animated. All the trailers, volume 1 episode 8, the volume 1 finale, the volume 2 penultimate episode, and basically everything else hold up extremely well even today. If anything, the worst fight animation was in volumes 4 and 5 because of Maya growing pains, and those are an example of being more polished, but not necessarily better animated. Animation of faces has always been good, animation of characters has always felt lively. Aside from a few small actual hiccups (that one person running across rooftops for instance), it’s well done.

There are LGBTQ+ characters. The treatment of one of the recent trans characters, in volume 8, was nothing short of amazing. They worked with a VA who was trans. The moment of canon confirmation was important to the character for backstory, because of course that affects the character’s life, but not the only important thing about the character. The representation is not in-your-face or pandering. And there is a split of representation among the main cast and the minor characters, with promises of more to come (notably they’ve said they’re working on more mlm for future volumes, too).

RWBY is not afraid to tackle hard topics. It deals with things like mental illness, systematic racism, and cycles of abuse. It’s not because the show is trying to earn “gritty and dark” points, it’s because those are some of the topics that real people have to struggle with as well. And the show handles most or all of them very well, in a way that shows respect and an honest attempt to depict these things as best they can. (NOTE ABOUT VOLUME 8: THERE IS A VERY DIFFUCLT CONVERSATION CURRENTLY HAPPENING. I am on the side of, let’s wait and see what happens next because the story isn’t over, so we haven’t really seen the fall out. But I understand why this paragraph feels really difficult to agree with if you've seen the volume 8 finale. I trust the track record of the rest of the show, personally.)

As an example, the show has a theme that villains are rarely evil just because. A lot of villains choose to do bad things because they were hurt in some way. Some lived in poverty; some were hurt by racism; many of them are victims of abuse. But the show doesn’t make excuses for them. It’s possible to be both sympathetic and still choose evil over and over again (that’s called tragic). The ones who eventually do try to do good again are not always forgiven, either.

The music is amazing. I can probably count on my hands the number of times I’ve heard someone say otherwise, which is astonishing when you consider this fandom.

It’s also free on RT’s website. (A paid, “FIRST” subscription removes ads and lets you see new episodes one week early, but they all eventually release for free.)

Weaknesses of the show

Early volumes’ growing pains exist, much like most or all other shows. (Even some of the greatest were not immune to this, like ATLA.) In this case, however, it’s a little bit rougher. A large reason why is that this was kind of the first big thing from RT to ever come out. If you remember back almost a decade ago, their only other big thing at the time was RvB, which was machinima. They pretty much started from scratch with everything, from assets to VAs to animation to writing. Imagine if a random twitch streamer, like Ninja (idk who’s popular these days) said one day, “OK let me just direct something that’s intended to be the next great movie series of all time, like Star Wars, with a $4 bill and an iPhone camera.” Then went out and actually made something. Of course it would be rough…but then it turns out the movie is actually really good. And then you get to watch over the next several years as everything gets better and better until it’s honest-to-god comparable to the MCU. That’s kind of what happened with RWBY.

One specific growing pain was the volume 2 finale. Pretty much everything else up until that point, I love about the show. But the finale just fails to deliver on the build up of tension from other episodes. Some of it is because of later plot developments that we didn’t know at the time; some of it is because of just not great writing; some of it is because of just not great animation; and yes, some of it is budget. Regardless, it’s a low point for the show.

Speaking of, the budget for the early volumes is super small. The infamous volume one shadow people, the infamous person jumping across the rooftops in volume two, and just production quality isn’t high compared to a major release from some established studio. These are real weaknesses of the show that for some people, make it unwatchable, and if that’s you, that’s ok.

One last weakness of the show, the screen time per episode, especially early on, is NOT a full 20 minutes like you may expect of an anime (or anime-inspired-western-media, for those of you who will die on the “RWBY is not an anime” hill). This is a trend that has stuck with the show, a shorter run time per episode, for generally the entire lifetime. On one hand, it means it’s a little less daunting to catch up or rewatch than the number of episodes might imply. On the other, early on, some episodes have a little weird pacing. It also means the writing had to adjust for this, so while RWBY got really good at telling a story within a shorter amount of time, there’s also challenges with that too. Perhaps one of the notable ones is the pacing, with slower moments sometimes feeling like it takes up too much screen time, or not enough. Volume 4 was a particular struggle for the crew, both because they switched animation engines and also for the story.

Common complaints that I don’t agree with

I don’t agree that the early volumes were actually bad overall. Growing pains, yes, but not bad. I attribute that complaint to overly focusing on one character’s storyline, back when it wasn’t clear there was so much more to come and before people realized the show would challenge the tropes instead of falling into them. It’s pretty much just volume 1 when people say this anyway, most of them I’ve heard admit that volume 2 was a lot better (except the finale) and almost everyone loves volume 3. And looking back on it, I do think volume 1 holds up.

Tying into this, the racism plot line is another common complaint. I don’t think it’s actually executed quite that badly. I think it makes sense for there to be regional differences in the amount of racism we see, it just so happened that we only saw a very small and isolated environment, Beacon, for much of the early volumes. (Incidentally, that’s actually similar the environment I myself grew up in.) It’s not perfect, though. But there’s no doubt that the later volumes do a better job portraying this. Again, I attribute it mostly to people not knowing how long the show would run for at the time, so of course if that’s all we saw, it would’ve been bad. But it’s not. I have a lot of respect for Miles and Kerry for even attempting to handle the racism topic in the first place. And for the faults that DO exist in this plot line, I credit them for learning and growing past that too, and doing better in later volumes.

The animation is not bad. I’ve already touched on that earlier, but people confuse “budget and polish” with “animation.” Give me RWBY any day over Michael Bay’s Transformers: no matter how much polish those robots have, they’re still a confusing mess to try and follow. And the polish isn’t even an issue once we get past the growing pains of Maya and get a bigger budget, because wow does this show look good now.

Between these three complaints I hear about often, I think those are the biggest ones. And they’re all generally done in bad faith, based not on just those but on other more provocative statements people also make with them. That’s part of my issue with the fandom, specifically the vocal but small parts of the fandom, because they’re just repeating these things from early days that aren’t true. But YouTubers gotta get those rage and hate clicks somehow, right? Unfortunately it discredits the show a lot and influences other people’s opinions into not giving it a fair chance, because it’s become a narrative of “RWBY IS BAD” when they all won’t shut up about it. So yeah, fandom can be bad, join at your own discretion. (Of course, all fandoms have annoying parts, and my interactions with the fandom have been good overall, otherwise.)

Onto other complaints, some say the cast is bloated. I don’t agree, but I don’t think this one is in bad faith. I think we get the important characters as much screen time as we can, and the minor characters don’t actually detract from that; one of the differences between good minor characters and bad ones, is that bad ones take up too much time. RWBY has a ton of characters but many of the minor ones don’t actually take up too much time. So it appears bloated, but actually I don’t think it is.

Finally, a small word on the no-no topics. Adam, and Monty. Adam is like the champion of the Monty topic. Which essentially boils down to “Miles and Kerry are ruining Monty’s vision for the show.” Toxic fandom is truly awful and I have no respect for anyone who says anything like that. Shame on all of you. This isn’t really anything negative about the show, but the fandom, and tbf all fandoms have toxic parts. But toxic fandom can be a real and valid reason to not watch a show. Thankfully they seem fewer in number these days, but I think they’ve evolved into hiding behind other characters or topics, so you know. Beware. Again, it's not too hard to avoid them or block them, and my interactions otherwise with most fans have been good.

[unstoppableforcce]

dark side

—PROLOGUE: the first mistake

“we are rarely proud when we are alone”

pairing: Javier Peña x reader (narcos)

next part | masterlist

a/n: ooo so this is the first part, but idk if I’ll keep writing more for him or not. all I know is that narcos is a damn good show, I’m enjoying my rewatch and I love pedro pascal

The second Stechner got up from the stool next to him, he knew he needed something more than just whiskey to quiet his mind for the remainder of the night.

He knew coming back to all of this was going to take its toll, hell, his dad had practically foretold it that night, sat in the truck halfway up the driveway. He expected the weight to pull at his shoulders, he expected there to be some form of consequences for all the bad he had done in a futile quest to do some good, he just didn’t know exactly how much it would all hurt his head to have it all drudged back up.

Every street he passed looked remarkably similar to the one Carrillo had dragged the young boys into, pulling the trigger to make a point. Everywhere he turned, he was reminded of the souls that met their end a part of a war that spiraled too far out of control far too fast. And everyone in the embassy seemed to know that it was all his fault.

Half wouldn’t say it, too busy regarding him as more myth than man. The dashing DEA agent who took down Escobar...

The other half only spoke of it to hold it over his head. The man who is responsible for setting los pepes out on Colombia should be in jail...

And they brought him back for what exactly? So Stechner could use him as a pretty face and solid name for the surrender he already had organized before he even signed the forms to bring him back down? What was he even doing there?

Was he just paying his dues? Was there enough money in this disgusting world to even cover the debt he created when he played his role in bringing down this country’s most notorious drug lord? Was there enough good left to be done to make up for all the bad that bloodied his hands?

Staring at the whiskey in the bottom of his glass, it was hard not to see a phantom hand, bruised and bloody, grasping the glass just over his own hand. He had been so naive back in Texas to think that coming back and jumping straight into what he left behind would somehow make the ghost constantly looking over his shoulder disappear.

No, he needed more than whiskey for any sort of reprieve from that haunting spirit.

He glanced around the bar, searching for someone to help and surprisingly found many candidates on what had been a pretty slow night when he first walked in.

There were women dressed like they were looking for what the same thing he was, there were women who worked at the same place he did, but there was only one woman in the whole bar who sat in the same silent suffering he did. Furrowed brow narrowed at the bottom of the glass in hand, giving the brown liquid an occasional swirl around the ice for no reason other that to occupy the probable onslaught of thoughts within the mind for a second longer than even the whiskey bought.

You were the only person in the whole bar who looked like you were going through something even close to what he was currently working through. All of which made you the only one he wanted. At least, that was what he told himself as got up and made his way towards you and settled onto the stool next to you, nodding to the bartender for a fresh drink for himself and for you.

“No thanks.” You waved to the bartender first, then turned to him and repeated the sentiment still in perfect Spanish.

“Sorry,” he nodded, still accepting his new drink and keeping the stool next to you. “You looked like you could use some company.”

That brought an almost heartless chuckle from your lips as you brought your glass back up to down the final sip. “I prefer my company silent”

He returned the same cold laughter, “funny.” You glanced to him and quirked your brow but he just continued, “me too.”

And silent was how the two of you stayed until he finished off the rest of his drink, laid money on the counter and offered to take you home. There was nothing silent about the two of you once he got you pressed up against the door to your apartment however.

Each sloppy kiss he trailed along your neck line seemed to echo in the dimly lit hall, each grab of his hands along your body causing the keys in your hand to rattle despite your desperate grip on them to keep them silent. And by the time you turned and began working on the locks, his groans against your skin had become anything but silent despite his best attempts to muffle them, his hands still pulling your hips back into his while you worked to undo the several locks you had.

And in the morning, he was going to wish he had paid more attention, but in that moment, all he cared about was that the taste of your lips was making him forget for the time being.

All he wanted to do was forget.

His suit jacket hit the floor the second the two of you stumbled inside, quickly followed by yours as he kicked the door shut with his foot and found the nearest wall to press you up against. Your hands found the bottom hem of your shirt before he even considered making a move for it, your body leaning back from him to whip the shirt off and over your head before reconnecting your lips to his.

The disparity of your touch was nearly familiar, though he was all too sure he would remember if he had ever met anyone like you before. No, this was a different type of familiarity, one that was more like looking in the mirror than it was seeing someone again after such a long time. As the tips of his fingers danced down your arms and stomach, he caught a few scars here and there and took that to be the only explanation he needed.

In the morning, he was going to wish he paid more attention. He was going to wish he thought with his head and not the quickly hardening length between his legs, but in the moment, he didn’t even have access to the part of his brain he needed to think that rationally.

The need to forget was too strong, overpowering everything in its way as he placed his hand above your head to steady himself while your hands moved for his belt and saw the same bloodied phantom hand grasp around it.

It was easier to bury it into your hair than to look at it for too long.

He repeated that over and over as he moved you to the nearby couch and settled your bare legs over his lap. It was easier to lose himself in you than to really look at you. He said it again and again as your silence turned to hushed moans into the side of his face. It was easier to feel you than to think about why he was so desperate to.

And as his hand reached up around your throat to coax the final string of curses from your lips as you clenched around him, he reminded himself again, that this was easier. He could deal with the real consequences later.

Except the consequences didn’t come later, they came much too quickly.

When he woke up still pressed against you on the couch a few hours later and got up to search your apartment for a cigarette, he found a badge and gun in your purse, which both you and he had tossed so carelessly aside the night before, instead of a smoke. He couldn’t stop himself from flipping the leather foldable open to reveal your face, which he only barely recognized, and three very important letters next to it.

CIA.

“Fuck.”

His brain still muddled with whiskey could sadly still read, and now all he could think about were all the things he had been so quick to ignore in favor of forgetting. The locks, the scars, the same look in your eye that he often found in himself when he stared at the bottom of his own glass of whiskey...

You were even in the bar where Stechner found him to catch him up on the plan he was working to bring to fruition... what were the odds that this whole night was a fluke?

What were the odds he went home with a CIA agent out of a sea of women who would have gladly filled their beds with him? What were the odds that it was some of the best sex he had in years? What were the odds that this wasn’t going to come back to haunt him...

Stechner was hell on two legs and all the badge said was that you worked for him, you were apart of the organization playing games with a country on the verge of a crisis. He was organizing a surrender for the leaders of a murderous empire and you... he glanced back to the couch where you laid, still alseep and half-wrapped in a blanket where he left you, unsure of everything he ever knew.

There was no way this ended well for him if he stayed.

And he almost forgot, while still holding your purse in his hands that he didn’t find a cigarette. A lighter but no cigarette. Why the hell was he trying to quit again?

Rubbing at his brow once, he shook his head and sat your purse back onto the counter, moving now to collect the clothes strewn about the entrance to your apartment.

He was out the door before you even stirred awake with the name he got off your badge repeating over and over in his head all the way down the stairs and back to his apartment.

It was a stupid mistake, and while a part of him held onto a sliver of hope, thinking that once he left he’d never see you again, every other part of him knew it wasn’t true. That just wasn’t the kind of luck he had. Not when he had done all the things he had done and damned his karma to hell ages ago.

So walking to the ambassador’s office the next morning and finding you waiting just outside with Stechner at your side, it really just felt like he deserved it.

It was just his luck, wasn’t it? This was just what he deserved...

“Fuck.”

—

tags->

(if anyone is interested in being added let me know)

[prairiedust]

Gimme Shelter livewatch under the cut.... I was on my phone when I wrote it so apologies for the typos

“Patchwork Community Center: Care Given to All” with a huge, lurid heart. Hmmm.... patchwork having two meanings here.....

Pastor (?) has 2 Timothy 2:22 tattooed on his arm! “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” (NIV) Are we looking at growth and found family in this episode?!?

Oh that’s the alleyway!

Hitting mythology themes— Connor is an Anglicized version of an Irish name— Conchobar mac Nessa is maybe the most famous bearer of the name, from Irish mythology— he’s the king who lusted after Deirdre and had her locked up until she came of age, which is probably neither here nor there as far as this poor Connor is concerned...

That thing has a big lurid heart on his overalls better run lol— Oh shit it’s an evil Teddy Ruxpin!!!! Thanks Davy Perez!!!!

That’s the thing animal control uses to manage aggressive animals??? Is this saying something about the Patchwork people?

And that’s it for the cold open.

——

The uh, the mcfuckin what, the Camelot Palace Casino? Is this a tour of the legends of Ireland and Britain all of a sudden? What’s with hitting this theme so hard so fast?

Uh-oh the whole Highway to Heaven reference has me side-eyeing Dean’s suggestion for Cas snd Jack to leave the bunker... Dabb even “spoiled” that line in a tweet lol... in that show the cop and the angel got their (vague) assignments from the big guy.......

Oh SHIT “we’re standing in what I call ‘the trap zone’” Perez is coming for my whole life with this episode!!!! And they’re doing highkey “season one totally-normal Winchester investigation questions script” I love it!!!!

“Slasher flick” Oh we’re revisiting Mint Condition. This is fine.

AND TOMBSTONE THIS IS NOT FINE DAVY! We’re running the good times backwards what did I say about this being the flipside of Last Holiday!

H2H again but this time it’s sus... plus I’m with Zack, I totally want the cozy murder spinoff I imagined Adam and Michael doing plz

Oh the Cas and Jack dynamic here is so sweet.

Pastor just leaving his door open like there’s no such thing as a thief bless his heart. They must be torn up about Connor but Pastor was the last one to talk to him so he’s sus I don’t make the rules.

Oh no Red’s a THIEF!!! Who ever would have guessed. Okay I did NOT expect that jumpscare because of the way Connor’s murder primed me, that was masterfully done.

That’s vaguely an Ohio Star quilt square on the sign behind her except um I forget what that tilted square in the center turns it into? It’s chiming with something... I’ll have to look that up later.

“Divide and conquer” no never split up in a slasher movie that’s how you get murders use the buddy system!

Gonna stop a sec because I just realized that Zack is two-faced. The British dandy was an act. The killer is wearing a Cinderella mask. Ok I’m gonna make a prediction that Zack is actually the killer, a la the demon in Repo Man...

Okay there was definitely a beat after Dean said “Glad soneone’s taking charge” [ofHell] and the focus shifted to Sam. Hm.

“We’ve got to set her up for her own death” so meta, these writers are gonna shred us.

I love being shown how much Castiel has changed throughe Jack not understanding the Kool-Aid reference. And the cats line lol. That’s both amazing and poignant.

That’s a log cabin pattern in the cafeteria. Home. Makes me think back on other quilts we’ve seen this season and if “weaving” is the right metaphor for writing lol. I mean, the action of “patching” is synonymous with “mending” or even healing, but patchwork is also a craft with a long, long history in America (idk if quiltmaking is called patchwork everywhere) of taking a few often mismatched fabrics and cutting and sewing into something beautiful. There are generally two kinds of quilt tops— patterns, like we’ve seen so far in this season, which are carefully planned and involve precise measurements, and “crazy quilts” which also require skill but are often more freeform and piecemeal. But both aspire to be beautiful. That’s an interesting way to conceptualize a serial text... as both creating and mending....

That prayer was sweet and not at all what I was expecting.

I get the finger-cutting for Valerie (stealing=sticky fingers) but not for Connor? Tenuous connection still betw lying and writing? It’s evocative of Se7en but the killer seems to have the same MO for all the killings (I attended CSI for a while.)

Snow White is making me uneasy. Oh she’s the preacher’s daughter... we’ve seen that in early days, too.... oh.... oh....

It’s not the AV guy despite having seen all the AV equipment around Valerie. That’s too easy.

“A saint is a sinner who keeps trying-“ no scroll back, the important part was “we all have to take care of each other.” That’s a theme in the series.

She’s all in pink....

dean and amara on the same wavelength about food lol

Ha ha inversion of “oh you’re a fan of religion? name all seven gods then.”

Castiel’s testimony just wrecked me.

“Members serve the gift of food” hmmm the signs in this episode are tip-top

Gonna just watch for a while.

Oh crap “each is a finger” oh it’s about the sins of the father— No Cas no, you’ve fallen for the misdirection!

Oh okay good, Chuck’s not done snuffing worlds. That had me REALLY WORKED UP ha ha because Amara has no reason to lie right?

That was a really good conversation.... and implying that Former Death bent the truth...

Oh fuck I’m gonna cry “I wanted younto see that your mother was just a person” YES! DISMANTLE THIS MYTHOLOGY AMARA!!! Name it!

THE MYTH THAT YOU’D HELD ON TO FOR SO LONG did they just— THEY DID

rigging the game— ftfoh with the casino metaphors already we know the house always wins except when it doesn’t

Lying, lying, lying,

Do we even know Snow White’s name yet? And why was Connor a liar? Because I think we can make a guess at this point.... ah ha ha her name is sylvia— “forest spirit” she’s Mrs Butters— and she’s after hypocrites— but the killing isn’t supernatural, just churchy?

Oh shit SHE IS A DEAN MIRROR IF SHE STABS JACK I’LL FLIP A DAMN TABLE

....

....

prairiedust.exe has encountered an error and must be restarted

....

....

Okay so “Dad” steps in and stops Sylvia’s attack on Jack...

Why is that Zack? What????

“I’ve been lying to you” oh here we go

Oh it would be death #3, remember what Dabb said about threes a long time ago, two attempts that are unsuccessful and one that satisfies the parameters— but no he’s a jack :((((

I have to stop watching for a while.

Okay I finished it. Holy cats do I have some Thoughts about this episode.

What I loved: Revisiting Dean’s anger, BUT the parental mirror here (in retrospect, at least for me) was a John mirror-- all the mothers (exc for Rowena) in this episode are dead. And Pastor Joe didn’t apparently embrace his wife’s faith until she had died, and then his vision was radically different than his wife’s was-- much like John’s reasons for becoming a hunter were vastly different from Mary’s... but much like “patching” this subtext was possibly even more “healing” than having John back in the 300th ep... This was... looking at a child’s anger when they’re in the middle of their own family mythology. Am I implying that Dean’s anger is immaturity? Eh, it’s... unripeness. I have an old meta in my drafts about the heroine’s journey and why Mary’s story conformed to it while feeling totally unfulfilling in her actual character arc and I’m so glad I sat down and examined that rather than finish it. I have a lot I want to say about Cas’ testimony too, but that has to sit a while. ALSO also, Cas has already thrown away his shot by making the Empty deal, right?....

LANGUAGE! Cas saying “I found myself lost” is a bonkers sentence, right? It’s like when people say someone “turned up missing”-- AND it does not have the same meaning as “I realized I was lost”-- you get a double whammy of the connotation “to search for.” I loved loved loved how language was such a big deal in Last Holiday and then again here, I need to rewatch while paying closer attention to Sylvia and things she says... but these two were sister episodes in so many ways, that when I said there was a “lack of narrative mirrors” in Last Holiday, that’s only because the lens for that kind of reading is Gimme Shelter. That is not the first time spn has played with a “coin” or paired structure-- I think the first time I noticed it was Fan Fiction/Ask Jeeves but I was a transfer student from another fandom at the time lol. But of course, we get a huge truth bomb at the end of the episode, and again that splashy cymbal all over lying...

What I got wrong-- Zack wasn’t the killer but he’s fishy as hell-- he stole Sylvia! Is this part of Rowena’s “people generally end up where they deserve to be” except she’s built in an express lane? “Do you need a driver” is that his actual job now? Taking unripe souls to Hell Orientation? What’s up with him being there... the other shoe did not drop. So there is a third episode out there somewhere where this might get wrapped up? The conversation between Dean and Cas can easily be something that happens offscreen, and I don’t think that it would be the first time we miss an “important” conversation, especially since we know roughly what will be said and how it will wrap up-- it’s an “open text” of a sort. Maybe a fanfiction gap lol, I can’t wait for the codas.

Also, the fingers thing being Sylvia’s father’s favorite analogy is where she got her MO, something that I definitely didn’t see, although it fits right in with her father’s slightly pithy character. I think it’s interesting again how we’re playing with threes and fours. Three fingers got cut off but it was apparent that Valerie (valorious one) wouldn’t die until finger #4.... Jack really seems to be our last hope.

[evangelineartemiasamos]

have you read the dragon republic? what do you think of it?

Sorry this took me so long, but I didn’t want to reply with “haven’t read it yet, but I plan to”, so I waited until I’ve finished the book.

I’m somewhat disappointed with it, mainly for two reasons. Spoilers!

1) Rin is quite an irritating protagonist. It’s strange when she claims to be morally right in the first place given that she is a woman who committed genocide, but even worse is that she doesn’t have a moral compass but rather a moral rollercoaster. First she says one thing, then the other, depending on wholly subjective, unreasonable standards. Like, she is more angry that some people have to eat but not that other people have to starve in the first place? Like, she’d rather all people suffer equally???

Her motivations are an even bigger conundrum. First, she just wants to survive, then she wants to die, then she wants to lead, then she wants be ordered around, then she is pissed off when people don’t agree with her opinions, then she feels guilty about what she has done, then she stops feeling that way, only to feel guilty about something else that isn’t even her fault etc etc. And later on, she complains (again) that people pick a side just to survive as if she hasn’t done the same thing. IDK what the destination of her character is, all comes down to being angry because she needs to be angry about something, just because. Probably Kuang wanted to write a a character who is rightfully angry but the way she wrote Rin as always being angry just erases the cause of her rage: It doesn’t matter anymore if something is unjust and wrong when you’re angry for the sake of being angry because you begin to contradict yourself and you stop to care about the things you claim to be angry about. Rin’s anger isn’t rightful, it’s part of her mental illness. You can blame the Phoenix for it, though the book claims she stops hearing the Phoenix at some point, so make of that what you will.

All in all, Rin’s sole conflict is whether “to burn or not to burn” which is also her main military tactic: kill as many people as possible or necessary, she has never other advice when she takes part in war meetings. As if she didn’t go to a military academy and learned warfare and strategy! She doesn’t deserve to be treated like having literal firepower is the only thing she can contribute to war. This is esp. frustrating in the middle section where she loses her superpowers so The Guys™ (more on that later) can talk actual strategy while Rin is only supposed to ask where to run and who to kill. It’s like Rin lost her brain because of her mental illness and the possession of the Phoenix that burns up her character. It’d be different if the book recognized that but I don’t really see it in TDR; it acts like it’s a natural progression that Rin is reduced to anger and her mental illness nothing to be concerned about.

And her whole, “I don’t care about democracy, I don’t care about politics”-attitude really made me question why I should root for Rin of all people in the book, and not someone who knows what to strive for. 

I also don’t like that she wants Nezha to become a shaman although the book makes it abundantly clear that being a shaman is totally shitty apart from the superpower. Like, the book never stops reminding us that shamanism only brings madness and death. Nezha wants to remain sane, is that so bad? I also think that Rin should consider that - trying to care for her mental health instead of reducing herself to a soldier who is a living mass-destruction weapon. That she and everyone else only consider her as that is sad, not making her important. BTW, Nezha suffering from constant pain which never stopped him from being a capable fighter? Talking about ableism …

2) The book is disturbingly sexist and violent to women. Here are some examples. There is no relevant female character besides Rin who isn’t a villain, and all female side characters are equally villified or raped or killed off or described as weak and incompetent. Even the empress is called weak and the narrative likes to point out that the empress only made it this far because her deity is so strong and because she is sexy enough to seduce people to her side. Repeat: The empress isn’t powerful because she is competent but because she is beautiful. She isn’t clever, but has a sexy body. It’s peak sexism to code a female villain this way. In contrast, male beauty inspires loyalty?

When the empress uses a cruel strategy costing innocent lives, she is a vile monster that has to be stopped, when a male general applies the same strategy, it’s ugly but necessary. This is most apparent when it comes to Jinzha: He is often called cruel but his deeds are shrugged off and accepted as okay and when he dies, it’s portrayed as the tragic loss of a good leader. What?

Otherwise, it’s disturbing how Rin reacts when women are killed: She rather feels with the murderer or the man suffering a loss (sometimes the same person!!) than with the woman who dies. There’s a scene when Rin hears of a myth about a goddess whose suitors drown in the pursuit of her. The goddess is called “a bitch” for letting those men who harassed her die. Seriously. And is there any reason why the Sorqan Sira and Qara have to die??? Oh, I suppose it will matter in the next book but still: That cemented the book’s sexism for me. A female leader isn’t allowed to stay alive and in power. I felt like I was in an sjm book.

But hey, even though the other female characters are treated like shit, we still have Rin as the female lead, right? Well, that’s what I thought in the first book. But with book 2, I’m not so sure anymore. First of all, Rin’s gender doesn’t play a role in her story, but okay, that’s not a must. Yet on the other hand, I don’t think her story is written as empowering in general.

Rin never gets to be right from the start. She is always wrong somewhere, she comes to false conclusions, acts rashly, and makes mistakes and then she has to be corrected, to be chastised, to suffer abuse, only to learn and start again from a weaker position. Her fate revolves pain, abuse and destruction, period.

She also never gets encouragement. No one tells her she is more than a weapon, that she doesn’t deserve to be dehumanized, called insults and used like a tool. No one protects her against (verbal) abuse. Actually, being called useful are the only moments when she feels worthy of respect! Duh, I said I don’t agree with her often, but that is too much. To me, it’s clear the narrative wants her to suffer and nothing else. If the only empowering moments for her are when she uses her superpower, it’s not empowerment at all, because she still isn’t respected for herself (note that I believe superpowers are overrated as metaphors for empowerment in general because they are unrelatable for real life people compared to learned skills. EG in Captain Marvel, Maria flying through the canyon will always be more inspiring than Carol suddenly being able to crush spaceships with a wave of her hand).

What I like the book though is that - once you’ve steeled yourself for the grimdark, violent content - it’s rather easy to read and never boring. Naval battles on rivers are something fresh, too. It’s creative too that Kuang made-up a western country and religion instead of picking and adapting one european country and branch of christianity - not that they wouldn’t deserve it. It’s still the same bullshit in different words and a strong call out of the horrors of colonization, social darwisnism, white supremacy and christianity.

Also, the last hundreds pages make up for some of my frustration as finally, the characters realize what goes on behind the scenes and begin to doubt and act on their own. On the other hand, I don’t get what stopped the characters from figuring out that shit in the first 550 pages as many readers will certainly wondered EG about Vaisra’s real plans. I hope in the next book, Rin will show more of her leading skills now that she’s a general and see herself as more than a weapon (please).

I’ve read by now that Rin is supposed to become a dictator like Mao Zedong and that makes me excited, tbh. I’d like to read about a villain protagonist but please let it be one with a brain and a purpose.

[theoi-crow]

Hello! Um, idk how to exactly explain what I want to say, but you seem like a really kind person so I think you will understand. So, I am a 14 year-old-girl that has been a Christian for as long as I rememember. The environment I live is quite religious as well. I didn't have a problem with it for, as you see, I was a kid and didn't think too much of religion in general. ~Um, apparently I reached the world limit so please wait to write the rest in an other ask XD *sorry* ~~

~~um, still me XD~~ But since last May or April, I became interested in the ancient greek culture. I actually DO live in Greece, so it was pretty easy to visit many of the gods' temples and other ancient places. I fell in love with them and, I should not lie, I felt like home around them. You have no idea, how much I wanted to touch the exhibits or walk into the temples. Tho, I didn't think too much of it. ~~ ugh, still have a lot to say. Sorry sorry!! :/ ~~

*again me*While I was on Naxos, the sacred island of Dionysus, I visited the temples of Demeter, Apollo and Dionysus. In the temple of Dionysus, I LOVED the aura around me. Even if it was the most plain in comparison to the other two, I had liked it more. Short after, Dionysus' name was popping on my head all the time, alongside Ariadne. Now, I understood the reason I liked Ariadne; I saw a lot of myself in her. But Dionysus? *oof I AM SORRY, i need an other one*

*I don't exactly remember how, but suddenly for some reason, he started feel more "real". To be short, judging from his followers' post on Tumblr, he was "calling me". "Who me?" I thought. I was not a witch. Nor a pagan. Why? And most importantly why me? You see, I was never the girl who partied a lot, the social, extroverted, confident girl. I was always the shy, introverted, sensitive and insecure girl who would much rather stay at home on Saturday night. *ok, AGAIN i am sorry ;-;*

*There was a time that my intuition told me he was present, in some way I did not understand, in my room. I felt he was talking inside my head. He was gentle I have to say, but I was terrified. TERRIFIED. I had read all the stories about his "madness", and while they seemed cool, being REAL had me spooked. I told him in my head to get out and I almost shakily said that I would never be able to work with him, for the reasons I said. I felt I was not worthy enough for someone like him. *oof, again*

*The last thing I heard him saying was "But you do have a flame of madness. And it is ok to be shy". But you see, those things clashed with my religious beliefs and I called him a demon. I didn't know what to do. I felt so young for all of this. Days after, I had to persuade myself that it was not real. I think that he was trying to reach me more slowly but, again, I was terrified. However, I could not refuse that everytime I thoughg of him I felt more confident and that my anxiety was dying. **

*To finish, even I had tried to sweep it off, even if I never had any other episodes, I kind of felt that some gods' like as Dionysus, Apollo and maybe Aphrodite were watching over me (in the good way). Today, I scrolled through your blog, and I read all the asks you had answered to people sharing simiral experiences and you saying "it is ok to feel scared". Something in your tone made me believe you. The gods didn't feel so scary suddenly. And more real.

-------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I am not Greek, have never been to or lived in Greece which is a completely different country than my own with different rules and history, so the only information I can draw from are the internet, articles, Wikipedia and intuitive nudges from my gods.

Please understand that the advice are all personal opinions and everyone is free to agree/disagree with it. I don't mean to offend anyone who is actually Greek or was raised in Greece. These are all viewpoints from an outsider who works with Greek gods in the USA. So keep that in mind as you continue...

Hello!

Thank you for calling me a kind person, my goal in life is to become a teacher and help as much as I can, so thank you for that. 🤗

There is no need to be afraid but I understand why you are nervous. The gods are reaching out to you and it's a new experience.

From what I've read, Greece seems to be going through a spiritual transition. We're talking about a place where having "Greek Orthodox" as a religion labeled on your I.D was mandatory until 2001: (LINK)

I also noticed that the separation of church and state has been a very aggressive issue and fought in Greece for the last 10 years. Just a couple of years ago the Hellenic Polytheist religion dubbed Hellenismos was officially recognized by Greece in 2017: (LINK)

Needless to say, things are happening in Greece (and all across Europe, the West and the world.)

This spiritual turmoil is intense. Your feelings are valid.

You are loved and the gods understand.

The reason why it took me so long to reply to this ask was because Apollo wanted me to tread lightly on how I would reply given that you live in Greece and are 14.

I have been told that Greece is a spiritually charged place. You can feel the gods there, but it's not a safe place to be out and about as a Hellenic Polytheist: (LINK)

But there's hope! More and more Greeks are beginning to worship the gods (especially younger Greeks like you): (LINK)

Because you posted a lot of information, I'm going to quote you and reply to that just so I can be sure to really answer any questions that could be bothering you or things you could be wondering about (I apologize if it gets very literal but I want to make sure to give you as much information as possible so you can make a more informed decision):

"since last May or April, I became interested in the ancient greek culture. I actually DO live in Greece, so it was pretty easy to visit many of the gods' temples and other ancient places."

Greece is a very spiritual place and the gods still live and visit their own temples because even though the majority of Greece is now Christian, I'm told they still have a very special place in the Greeks' heart and culture.

The gods know about the religious politics that no longer worship them in a religious setting but they stay with their Greek people through stories and customs.

My classical studies teacher says that although the majority of Greeks no longer worship the gods, they still value them and are defensive of them. She went to the Theater of Epidaurus by Asclepios' Temple. In the theater there is a special section traditionally reserved for the gods and seen as a kind of altar to them. When she was there, one of the actors stepped on it and got booed off of it by the Greek viewers who were deeply offended.

These reactions warm my heart because you can tell that even if they are no longer viewed as a worshipping option, they still care about the gods.

I sense the gods also go to their temples to hangout with, not only the locals, but curious tourists, Mythology fans, history buffs and Hellenic polytheist visitors.

A lot of pagans who worship them go to Greece on a pilgrimage to visit their gods (like me and my wife who will be visiting Athens this coming January.)

"I fell in love with them and, I should not lie, I felt like home around them. You have no idea, how much I wanted to touch the exhibits or walk into the temples."

I sense they have been watching you and as much as you wanted to touch the exhibits and walk in their temples, they wanted to further connect with you.

You are very important to them and feel like you are home because you are, you are connecting with gods who are older than Christianity. Gods who have been around for so long and have been worshipped by your ancestors. Ancestral connections can be very strong.

"While I was on Naxos, the sacred island of Dionysus, I visited the temples of Demeter, Apollo and Dionysus. In the temple of Dionysus, I LOVED the aura around me. Even if it was the most plain in comparison to the other two, I had liked it more."

I feel like Naxos is sacred to him, so it makes sense for him to be more present. A lot of Apollo followers who have visited Greece say they can feel Apollo the most in Delos.

"Short after, Dionysus' name was popping on my head all the time, alongside Ariadne. Now, I understood the reason I liked Ariadne; I saw a lot of myself in her........why me? You see, I was never the girl who partied a lot, the social, extroverted, confident girl. I was always the shy, introverted, sensitive and insecure girl who would much rather stay at home on Saturday night."

You said it yourself: "Now, I understood the reason I liked Ariadne; I saw a lot of myself in her" sometimes the gods like us because we remind them of those they love. For example, I know Aphrodite first began to love me because I reminded her of a tiny version of Ares. I was aggressive and when it came to fight or flight, I always chose to fight.

Sometimes the gods connect with us because we need them and they are trying to help us become a better version of ourselves. When I first met Aphrodite, you could mop the floor with my self esteem. Now, I am better about loving myself and teaching others to love themselves too.

Sometimes there's a previous connection. When I first met Ares he told me my ancestors knew him as Mars. My real last name is Roman and it literally translates to "Child of Mars." There is a lot of Roman and some ancient Greek in my ancestry (it's not necessary to have Greek in your ancestry to worship the gods but your ancestry can be the source of your connection).

Ask Dionysus directly and give him time to respond. You may be surprised with what he tells you.

"I don't exactly remember how, but suddenly for some reason, he started feel more "real". To me short, judging from his followers' post on Tumblr, he was "calling me"."

The gods are unique in the sense that they are portrayed as fictional characters because they are in timeless legends and myths, and so beloved that they have been readapted countless times like wheat that has gone through so many processing procedures, that it no longer looks like wheat.

It's easy to forget that these are gods that were once worshipped by Nations, empires and can be found in the Bible as the "false idols" of Kings who tried to get rid of Christ or oppress Jewish people.

The gods became nameless beings in cultural ceremonies you no longer understand but still do because they are now apart of your heritage, for example: in my culture we celebrate day of the Dead which was originally an Aztec tradition that didn't venerate the Dead but worshipped the queen of the underworld. Our own version of Persephone. The Spanish tried to erase her and put a Catholic spin when they couldn't get rid of the tradition and it worked but those who work with La Santa Muerte now, recognize it as her holiday because they know it originally was: (LINK)

So it's not that the gods were once fake but you are now beginning to recognize them in your own culture and traditions.

"There was a time that my intuition told me he was present, in some way I did not understand, in my room. I felt he was talking inside my head."

Those are Godphone moments. Feeling the gods, sensing them with your energy. Hearing them talk in your head. Those are all the methods I use to hear the gods. I sense the energy shift. He was definitely present. And he was definitely talking.

"He was gentle I have to say, but I was terrified. TERRIFIED. I had read all the stories about his "madness", and while they seemed cool, being REAL had me spooked."

The gods always know how to best approach their new or potential followers. Apollo is very gentle when he interacts with my wife because he knows they react best when he's gentle. He's very stern with me because he knows I work best under pressure.

The part about him having you spooked because of his "madness" reminds me of when I was 12 and I learned that my "imaginary friend" was actually the "blood thirsty" god of war, Ares. Him being real had me spooked. Even though he had been teaching me how to fight and survive since I was 5, I called him a demon and told him I didn't want to work with him because of this one dimensional idea I had read about him versus his actual personality as an amazing father and protector. He's playful and very lovable.

The myths can help us with gods but they are written by flawed humans who don't understand the complex nature of the gods. Everything you've learned about Dionysus is 4% of what survived history. And a lot of that 4% has been tainted and rewritten by the Romans and Christian monks trying to demonize the gods or make them look bad.

A lot of Apollo myths will have you believe he is a monster who likes to chase women and smite unfortunate beings who look at him but his actual followers know he's nothing like this. To me, he's cool and collected, loves reason and philosophy. The best way to learn about a god is by researching their information, epithets, followers and working with them.

Here is a list of Dionysus followers compiled by @thepastelpriestess : (LINK)

"I told him in my head to get out and I almost shakily said that I would never be able to work with him, for the reasons I said. I felt I was not worthy enough for someone like him......"

"Not worthy enough" is a problematic feeling a lot of followers have. I see this a lot amongst potential Aphrodite followers who are confused as to why the goddess of beauty would want to work with them when they feel they look ugly. The gods know what they are doing and they know you are worth so much more than you realize.

"The last thing I heard him saying was "But you do have a flame of madness. And it is ok to be shy".

He would! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh I love Dionysus!!! He's such an inspiring god! And he's right. There is something about you he loves and it is 100% okay to be shy.

"But you see, those things clashed with my religious beliefs and I called him a demon. I didn't know what to do. I felt so young for all of this."

He understands you were scared when you called him that. He knows because a lot of gods are portrayed as demons in the Bible. He knows you were scared and if you ever feel like contacting him and working with him, know he is available and will gladly do so.

I called Ares a demon when I was 12 and didn't talk to him for 15+ years. When I finally did, he immediately forgave me, said I was little and ask was forgiven because I was speaking out of fear and fear is confusion. You have every right to go about ignoring the gods and continuing your family's religion but if you change your mind, Dionysus and the gods will be there.

"Days after, I had to persuade myself that it was not real. I think that he was trying to reach me more slowly but, again, I was terrified."

Awww he knew you were scared so he was giving you time and reaching out to you occasionally.

"However, I could not refuse that everytime I thoughg of him I felt more confident and that my anxiety was dying."

Dionysus is AMAZING when it comes to fighting anxiety. In ancient Greece he helped people (especially women) overcome societal rules and follow him. Just like how he causes madness,he also helps others heal from it and since anxiety can be a type of madness caused by fear, he is definitely helping. And that may be why he wanted to work with you.

"To finish, even I had tried to sweep it off, even if I never had any other episodes, I kind of felt that some gods' like as Dionysus, Apollo and maybe Aphrodite were watching over me (in the good way)."

They are.

Apollo has been helping me answer this ask because he knows you are nervous and wants to let you know that whatever you choose it's okay. Even if you silently honer the gods in cultural settings with traditional events, they are and will continue to be with you.

They love you.

"Today, I scrolled through your blog, and I read all the asks you had answered to people sharing simiral experiences and you saying "it is ok to feel scared". Something in your tone made me believe you. The gods didn't feel so scary suddenly. And more real."

It is 100% okay to feel scared. And it is okay if you decide you'd rather not work with the gods at this time. They understand. They still love you, but they understand.

Just your curiosity was enough to make them come down and introduce themselves to you. You matter to them and no matter what you choose, they will be there for you.

I hope this helps.

May the gods remind you of your roots, remind you of your power and remind you of their love because they will always be with you.

[petertingle-yipyip]

Right Here, Right Now - Klaus Mikaelson

//Requested:  hello, idk if you do crossover but could you write imagine where used to date dean winchester but later they broke up and she moved to new orleans and klaus takes a liking in her? thanks //

//Disclaimer: I don’t watch Supernatural so this is simply a name drop. The anon who requested it is OK with it so let’s proceed.//

//Warnings: Some talks of a breakup. Tag List: @simonsaysyasss @akshi8278 @aomi-nabi//

//Part Two//

Things were never simple, especially when you were with Dean. He wasn't a normal guy, and neither was his brother. Together, they were a supernatural hunting team. And sometimes, it put you in harm's way. Dean swore that he would protect you, that nothing would ever hurt you, but you couldn't risk it. After all, Dean was human. He could die just as easily as you could. So you left.

You left Dean and left your old home to move with your cousin in New Orleans. You knew a change of scenery would be the best option for you, or else you'd run back to Dean the first chance you got.

You sat on the patio of your cousin's work, waiting for her shift to end. She was a bartender at the local hot spot, Rousseau's. Everyone loved her and everyone was her friend. And you weren’t at all surprised. Growing up, she was always the better of you two. The sugar to your spice. Over time though, your spice didn’t kick the same.

“Bit lonely out here, isn’t it Love?” Someone suddenly asked, snapping you from your day dreams. Without necessarily trying to, you were thinking about that last day with Dean, the day you broke his heart. But you knew you couldn’t look back. You couldn’t let yourself reminisce anymore.

“Huh?” You said as you look up, taken aback by his looks.

He was effortlessly beautiful. His eyebrows were quirked, a smirk of amusement tugged his lips. His hands were neatly clasped behind his back and he radiated confidence. His eyes were a mesmerizing blue-green, seemingly hiding some mischief behind them. You were intrigued to say the least.

“May I?” He asked, gesturing to the seat next you.

“By all means..” You replied, sitting up a little straighter. “God knows I need to take my mind off things... I’m Y/N, by the way. Even though you didn’t ask..”

“Klaus.” He nodded with a small smile. “You’re not from here, are you?”

“That obvious, huh?” You chuckled. “But no, actually I’m not. Well, kind of. I grew up here with my cousins before my parents decided to pack up and get out of New Orleans.. It’s always been my favorite place to be though, no matter how far away we went.”

“Your cousin?” He questioned. “Is that who you’re staying with?”

“Mhmm. She’s the bartender here.. Camille? You know her?”

He laughed a little, glancing to the door and back to you. “I do, actually. She’s a friend of mine, believe it or not.”

“Wow.. Never would’ve guessed that, actually.”

“Well, now I’m offended.” He said with mock offense. “Is it cause I’m devilishly handsome? It’s a curse really.”

“Oh yeah, I bet it is.” You teased. “No, I just meant that you don’t seem like you’d be friends with her. She’s everything good about the world rolled into one soul, y’know? But you... You’re different than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“I’m not sure.” You said honestly. “For all I know, the devil takes human form in Klaus...” You trailed off, hoping he’d fill in the obvious blank.

“Mikaelson.” He nodded proudly.

For some reason, that name was familiar. Klaus Mikaelson. Was he an associate of Dean’s? Was he someone Dean had hunted? Should you know that name? But then it hit you like a ton of bricks. You had read that name in one of Dean’s thousands of books. But he was a myth... Wasn’t he?

“Niklaus Mikaelson, commonly under the alias ‘Klaus’, the equivalent to the devil’s darkest desires, walked the earth when the earth was new. He is said to have more power than any creature in existence, for he is a whole new beast. No man will conquer the Hybrid.” You quoted the book and watched his ears perk up, his eyes widened. 

“Ah... So you’ve heard of me?” He smirked devilishly.

“You were a myth... A vampire-werewolf hybrid was a myth.” You explained.

“I’m quite real, Love. See?” He said plainly, taking your hand as if to prove he was actually sitting in front of you.

“That’s...” You paused, searching your vocabulary for a word that could do this feeling in the pit of your stomach justice. “Amazing.” You settled on.

“You’re not afraid?” He asked curiously. You couldn’t tell if he wanted you to be afraid or if he was relieved that you weren’t. Either way, you weren’t. You wondered if maybe you should’ve been, but at the same time, you knew you had no reason to be. You hadn’t wronged Klaus in anyway. He had no reason to hurt you. So what was there to be afraid of?

“Are the stories true?” You asked eagerly. “Did you really wipe out an entire pack and then some back East to build a hybrid army?”

He chuckled and released your hand. One hand came under his chin and the other waved through the air, as if to say it was no big deal.

“That is badass!” You exclaimed in excitement. “I always thought it was impossible to mix a werewolf and a vampire.” You said in a more modest tone of voice. “So how did that happen?”

“My mother had an affair with a neighboring tribe and the man happened to be a werewolf. So, I was born as not only the bastard, but a werewolf. She created us vampires through a spell, to protect us from said werewolves.” He explained simply.

“And the curse has to be activated, right? Take a life and become a ‘slave to the moon’ and all that?” You asked, putting air quotes around a few words.

“Yes, and once I fed for the first time, it triggers the other part of me. My mother did yet another spell on me to force my wolf side to lay dormant until I freed it.” He finished  and glanced at your face to gauge your reaction. Maybe he was hoping to scare you off, or entice you into his life more.

“Dude..” You said in awe. “There are so many people that won’t even say your name in public. They act like you’re Beetlejuice or something.”

“Nonsense.” He shook his head with a small smile. “I’d never wear such tacky stripes.”

“Could you imagine?” You laughed. “Oh my god, yeah, I don’t think you’d look good in blocky, vertical stripes. Sorry, buddy.”

“What do you mean? Devilishly handsome, remember?” He joked.

You burst out in laughter again, genuinely happy. You didn’t think you could happy after you left Dean, not this soon at least. Something in your eyes must’ve given that away because the next question from Klaus practically called you out on it.

“What are you running from?” He asked, more to himself than to you, as if he was still trying to figure you out. “So, what brings you to New Orleans?” He asked, a little louder than before.

“Dean Winchester.” You sighed, a smile staying on your face when remembering him. “He was my boyfriend, of a long time. But I broke up with him... He was great, don’t get me wrong. But I couldn’t stand by him and live his lifestyle anymore. I couldn’t have him worrying about me over himself anymore.”

“What was he?” 

“A hunter... Anything and everything supernatural, alongside his brother. The family business, I guess... I don’t know, at the end of the day I loved him and I still do. It’s just... exhausting being with someone who knows they’re mortal but who acts like they’re invincible.”

“Hey, Y/N/N.. Oh, Klaus...” Camille said, suddenly at your side. “Is he bothering you?”

“Not at all.” You smiled genuinely. “He was keeping me company, actually.”

“See, Camille?” He said with a joking smile. “I’m great with new people.”

“You hate people.” She argued with an amused eye roll.

“Nonsense, I love people.” He shook his head.

“Anyways. I’ll be done in a few minutes, I promise.” She told you.

“Take your time, Cousin. Klaus isn’t too bad.” You replied as she was called back inside.

“How do you know Cami?” You asked once she was out of earshot.

“My friend, Marcel, had a bit of a crush on her not too long ago. We invited her to a family party for him and they didn’t really spark anything exciting. In my efforts to get her to notice him, her and I became friends.” He explained.

“Cause that happens, all the time.” You nodded, trying to keep your sarcastic smile back.

“You’ve got your wits about you, don’t you?” He said in amusement.

“Cami was always the sugar, I was the spice.” You shrugged, slightly proud of how quick you could combat with your words.

“You know, I think you’d get along well with my younger brother, Kol. He’s an absolute ass but I think you two would be great friends.” He said with some admiration. 

“Cause I’m an absolute ass too, yeah?” You joked.

“Seems that way.” He teased in return.

“Oh, that one hurt.” You faked offense. “Maybe you’re really not a people person.”

“Poppycock!” He exclaimed and you tried so hard to maintain a straight face.

“Who says that?!” You managed through your laughter.

“You know, Y/N,“ He said gently. “I’d love to see you again.”

“Are you asking me on a date, Mr. Big Bad Wolf?” You teased with a smile.

“Seems that way.” He smiled in return. “You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met before...”

“Well, since I’m oh so special, I’d like that.” You nodded and exchanged phone numbers before leaving the patio with your cousin. As Klaus returned to his house, he couldn’t help but look at the new contact with your name and smile. He had the most mundane exchange with the most extraordinary girl.

She talked your ear off all night with what she knew about Klaus, both what he had told her and what she had figured out on her own. She said he was troubled, closed off, and had plenty of emotional baggage to spare. But he was interested in you. And apparently, he wouldn’t stop until you either told him to buzz off or he has you by his side. Either way, you were excited to see where it would go.

[cannabisrefugee-esq]

(via The Welfare Gnome! It's Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You. Ft. Joker (Again))

The Welfare Gnome!  It’s Like a Sock Gnome Except This One Can Actually Kill You.  Ft. Joker (Again)

Cannabis Refugee, Esq.

Advertising / Media / Cultural Conversation

Capitalistic Patriarchal Medicine

Crohn's Disease Stories

Euthanasia / Suicide

Law / Legal / Benefits

December 20, 2019

According to the internet, a “sock gnome” is a mythical creature that pilfers socks.  Presumably it lives in or around the dryer where you put an even number of socks in and get an odd number out.  Sometimes it gets tricksy and spits out an even number but the pairs don’t match (meaning it’s pilfered one from more than one pair) but the usual evidence that you’ve had a sock pilfered by a gnome is that there is one left over that doesn’t have a mate and the missing sock never reappears ever.  This is a real thing (if not a real gnome) and everyone knows what this means.

Well, there appears to be a similar creature that lives at Social Services and pilfers sick and poor people’s applications for welfare benefits.  Or something, idk.  I assume these creatures are related but maybe not since this gnome doesn’t play games: it’s goal seems to be to drive you insane before it literally kills you.  I wrote here before about an application for benefits that went missing, along with a half a dozen other boondoggles that have wasted my spoons and left me scrambling to repeat some administrative process I was barely able to complete survive the first time.

Because while a sick person’s literal inability to jump through bureaucratic hoops is actually the best evidence that someone is extremely ill, someone has decided that only those who are well enough to sing for their supper (or pursue benefits) deserve to eat, as it were.  The first application that went missing was for food stamps, while today I found out that my application to get on a 4 month waitlist to see a doctor went missing 2 months ago and has not been since heard from: although my disability advocate hand-delivered it, the application was never received.

I didn’t know it had never been received since I was instructed to wait for 2-3 months for a phonecall from them whereupon they would then tell me that I had to wait another 4 months to see a provider.  Now I get to start the whole process over again.  Of course, the clock starts, again, from zero: 2-3 months for the application to be processed and another 4 months before I will be seen. And as both Crohn’s disease and high functioning Autism are untreatable and incurable, the only reason I’m even trying to get in to see a doctor is that I need up to date records of medical compliance (not actual therapeutic medical care since none exists) to support my claims for disability.  As if sick people have the time and energy for that.

Just “apply for benefits” then keep applying indefinitely or forever!   Just get showered, dressed, don’t eat or drink anything though because Crohn’s, get somehow transported across town, pretend to act human for a several hours while you are being humiliated, interrogated, starved and otherwise tortured in public, then somehow get a ride back home.  And do all of that without “acting” sick.  Easy peasy.

And truly, bureaucratic incompetence (or a welfare or Social Services gnome) isn’t even worth writing about and I wouldn’t bother writing about it except that it had an unsettling effect on me: I literally wondered, if only for a second, if I had hallucinated the whole thing and therefore wondered if my new disability advocate who had hand-delivered the applications himself, Dave, was even real.  Jesus Christ that was disturbing.  Around Halloween of this year, Dave had helped me complete numerous applications, some online, while he mailed some hardcopies out of town and hand-delivered the rest; the 2 applications that were both hand-delivered were supposedly never received.  One would be understandable, if not acceptable, but both of them?  I was shook.

Very shortly thereafter I realized that the only proof I even have that Dave came to pick me up several times, completed applications for/with me and took me home again is that one application we did online was actually received and has his name and information on it.  Much to my chagrin, they initially returned that “online” application to me in hardcopy to review, sign and return (WTF) but as it turns out, that bit of bureaucratic fuckery actually saved me from something awful — a literal break from reality — and was the only proof I had that Dave and our interactions were even real.  Also, my old disability advocate told me about Dave in front of another person and they both remember it.  (!)  So yeah, I’m legit losing my mind by now but at least I’m not delusional (that I know of). Everything about this is fucking terrifying.

Wait.  Is Dave even real?  Let’s review.

  At some point, I know my readers are going to get sick to death of hearing about this shit and I wouldn’t blame them.  Hearing about how the system truly victimizes people is unpleasant and predictably leaves those who don’t have to deal with it (yet) with the strong impression that disenfranchised people are “victims” experiencing “victimization” which is always, always read as a character flaw, or it is eventually, especially if it goes on for a long time and it often almost always does.  And this material is about as appealing to read as…idk, a book of vintage recipes where the first and second ingredients in every dish are Jello and fake mayonnaise?  Maybe.  There’s a trainwreck quality that’s hard to look away from, it’s interesting (at first) to see how all the various parts fit together (or ultimately don’t) and I suppose it’s possible to have compassion for the vintage cooks who were trying so, so hard to be resourceful and whatnot.

But eventually that person’s judgement will probably come into question and the blame will fall squarely on them if they consistently choose to participate in such insanity, in that case, preparing and serving Spaghetti-Os and sliced hot dogs suspended in savory Jello, or a canned ambrosia Yule log.  (I just watched a video of someone making a canned ambrosia Yule log from a vintage recipe, you can watch that here). Or in the case of a vulnerable person seeking benefits, choosing to consistently be relieved of their dignity and even being (seemingly) willingly neglected and abused.  The comparison is kind of a reach but what I’m getting at here is that it’s not pretty.  The things I discuss on this blog aren’t pretty.

So do I have an actual point?  Actually I have 2.  The first point I will make via another anecdote and is something I learned as a young attorney who was becoming seriously ill: I had been seeing a chiropractor/nutritionist for months to attempt to treat what was becoming unbearable chronic pain and GI issues when my health insurance company started denying his claims.  The “doctor” wasn’t being paid but I was still in disabling pain and his treatments were working.  Kind of. Until they stopped. We had to have “the discussion” which drew out our competing interests: my interest in continuing treatment without a lapse versus his interest in being consistently paid.  (Really, this is where the myth of the compassionate Western healer is always undone: the issue of money.  But that’s a post for another day.)  This discussion is never pleasant and as I learned, is absolutely meant to be ugly.

As a seasoned provider with decades of experience in the insurance game, the “doctor” calmly explained to me that part of the game is to pit the doctor and patient against each other so that they can’t provide a united front against the real enemy: the insurance company.  The goal is to have the doctor and patient part ways angry so that there is no reason to pursue an appeal and the treatment — whether it’s medically necessary or not — simply ends.  From the insurance company’s perspective, the problem (of exposure to liability) just goes away: if the doctor and patient part ways it doesn’t have to expend resources reviewing appeals and no further claims will be made, their exposure drops to zero, and they win.

Get it?  Bad guys 1, good guys 0.  And this, I think, is the dynamic playing out when people get fed up (and fired up) with hearing about what sick and disabled people go through — regular, relatively powerless people blaming and judging other regular, relatively powerless people for being “victims” instead of providing a unified front against our common enemy.  In this case, against our corporate and governmental overlords who spend billions if not trillions annually on “corporate welfare” and destructive black budget programs while reducing, eliminating or otherwise making inaccessible benefits that real people need to live in this shithole they created, not us.  And Big Medicine torturing sick people and deliberately (or leastwise predictably) making us worse.

We all have a choice, don’t we, to pick the correct side and to not fall into this deliberate trap set by the elite, to not go against our own interests, to decline the invitation to support our oppressors while undermining ourselves and our ilk, our own people.  Choose correctly.  It matters.

My second point is this.  I can only speak for myself when I say that I absolutely never wanted to be a “victim” and I spent my entire life and literally everything I had to try to ensure that didn’t happen.  I have written about that before if anyone wants to revisit that part of my journey, but what I haven’t directly said is this: once I had exhausted every resource I had accumulated over a lifetime (which wasn’t much), after I had asked everyone I knew for help and they all declined, after I had failed to cure myself of an incurable disease, I knew what was coming for me because I had spent my entire life trying to avoid it.

My experience as a benefits attorney only underscored what I already knew, which is that there is nothing there to catch most people when they fall, and there is no bottom to the abuse and neglect one will suffer, and literally endless opportunities to be victimized, once anyone, especially an unresourced, unsupported female, is no longer able to control her outcomes and sick women can no longer reliably control their outcomes.  I knew the benefits system would be inaccessible or inadequate, I knew I would be abused and neglected by doctors if I let them, I knew I could end up sick and homeless at the same time, I knew I could end up sick and homeless and raped and pregnant at the same time if there was nothing I could do to stop it, and I knew that once I got sick there was, in fact, little or nothing I could do to stop it.  I knew there would be no end to my suffering as a sick woman under capitalism and patriarchy.

I saw this coming a mile out, and to avoid that outcome I knew I didn’t want and knew I couldn’t handle (and shouldn’t be expected to) and to fulfill a lifelong promise I had made to myself to never “allow” myself to be victimized in this way, I attempted suicide.  4 times.   Four fucking times I took action against myself that was so incompatible with life that by all rights I should have died at least once if not every time but I didn’t die.  Each time I woke to this nightmare that won’t end and I had to go on, dealing with the same shit and with the same hideous constraints only even more sick and even more traumatized than I was before if that was even possible.  And it is possible, isn’t it — it is bottomless.  There is no end, there is absolutely no end to how bad this can and will get for me and for everyone in my position.

And to be clear, I started this blog after what ended up being my final (well, most recent) suicide attempt which was 2 years ago by now.  Get it?  Every single post on this blog was written after that and therefore was very nearly not written at all.  What I am documenting here, I think, is a fairly common experience that is almost always lost to time and tragedy: what it’s actually like to be this seriously, hopelessly ill, how “the system” works against sick people and sick women at every turn, and what it really looks like to have no options.  And while this surely happens all the time, every force in the universe, it seems, is working against most people actually knowing about it.  In fact, the most relateable thing I’ve ever read, the only thing that I have ever seen address these points and describe an experience nearly identical to my own was left behind by an activist/writer/seriously chronically ill woman in a suicide note.  I wrote about that woman, Anne Örtegren, and her suicide note here.  

In my own case, and this is the only reason you are hearing about it, I happened to be a seasoned researcher and writer with a specialized interest in dissecting the insane system of patriarchy, I had a preexisting platform on which to advertise this project and an audience that was open to hearing about it, and despite my best intentions and efforts, and those of everyone and everything else for that matter, where those intentions and efforts were not compatible with life, my life, I didn’t fucking die.  Not yet anyway.  I suspect that many women who experience what I and Anne Örtegren and others have experienced go down for the third and final time before anyone even hears them scream.  And if any of this sounds a little crazy to you, that’s only because it is.  It is completely, completely insane.

[cookinguptales]

Today is the anniversary of the Capitol Crawl, an event in 1990 in which disabled activists pulled themselves from their wheelchairs and quite literally crawled up the steps of the Capitol Building. This was done to protest the living conditions for disabled people in the United States, and it was done to pass the ADA. And fuck yeah, they did it.

These activists along with hundreds of others managed to secure rights for disabled Americans for decades to come. However, all that heroic work is now being threatened by H.R. 620.

I’ve been talking a lot about H.R. 620 lately because frankly, it scares the shit out of me. It’s a bill that’s designed to strip rights from people with disabilities, and it has already passed the House of Representatives.

A little background:

The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) was passed in 1990, the year I was born. Because of that, I have lived under its protections for just about my entire life. When my high school tried to prevent me from graduating because of my medical struggles, we were able to use the ADA to procure a 504 plan. When my dorms and classrooms were inaccessible, it was the ADA that got me accommodations. I am afforded extra assistance when traveling, when voting, at the doctor, and the only reason I can do any of these things is because of the ADA.

I now have a college diploma and a full-time job. I would have neither without the ADA. It’s not a perfect solution, but the protections it does provide have been invaluable in my life and the lives of my family. (My family members with a different disability have also Gone Through Some Shit but that’s really their story to tell.)

I think most of Americans know that some semblance of protections for PWD exist. I’m not sure most Americans understand how difficult they are to use. It’s not like the ADA provides, idk, inspectors who go around looking at buildings to see if they’re accessible. They don’t take complaints from PWD if the elevator in their building stopped working and their landlord won’t fix it. There is no safety & health inspector of the disabled world. The ADA is instead enforced via lawsuit.

To put it simply — if a disabled person has been discriminated against, they have the right to get a lawyer and sue the establishment that has discriminated against them. They cannot sue for damages. They can only get the place to change. (Though some courts have levied additional monetary damages for noncompliance.)

This is already a pretty arduous process. I mean, you have to get a lawyer and go to court. No one enjoys doing that, especially when you know there is no financial reward. But H.R. 620 aims to make this process much, much harder. It requires PWD to gather a ton of evidence and documentation, it requires a system of letter-writing and complaints, just a mess of things that many PWD will not have the time, money, energy, and/or know-how to be able to do.

More importantly, though, H.R. 620 changes how businesses need to comply. H.R. 620 aims to change it so a business or institution has six months before they even need to start showing a plan to change. I repeat. This is not six months before the work is done. This is six months before they even need to start moving. Six months would have been an entire semester when I was in college! And even then, all they need to do is show “progress”. Progress can mean anything! It sure doesn’t mean that I can get in the building!

In effect, this would strip PWD of their ability to actually have the ADA enforced. It puts a very onerous process on the back of the people being discriminated against so they’ll be too confused, tired, or burdened to exercise their rights in the first place. And then, if they get through that wholly unnecessary roadblock, the place they need to get into may not actually become accessible for — well, ever. There is no part of the desired amendments to the ADA that would actually require accessibility. Ever. Which is mind-blowing.

H.R. 620 is popular amongst business conglomerates and real estate developers, for obvious reasons. They don’t want to deal with the extra expenses that come with making their properties accessible. Because of this, they have started a misinformation campaign saying that PWD are using the ADA to attack small businesses with frivolous lawsuits, which puts undue burden on people ~just trying to make it~.

Wow, talking about what “burdens” PWD are. Like that’s not a misconception that leads to self-harm and discrimination every day.

There is no evidence that there is an outbreak of frivolous lawsuits. There are a couple lawyers who have been engaging in fraudulent lawsuits, but frankly, it’s not hard to find an unscrupulous lawyer, and none of them have been successful in court.

Even if there were some uncontrollable outbreak, taking away protections is not the way to deal with this. I can’t imagine this being the reaction to any other group’s civil rights. “Oh, well, some lawyer’s being a dick, better take away civil rights for an entire marginalized group just in case someone tries to abuse it!.” There are so many better ways to deal with misconduct than systematically stripping a marginalized group of its civil liberties.

Again, PWD CANNOT MAKE MONEY FROM THESE LAWSUITS. There is no one sitting in some wheelchair made of gold that they got from taking sandwich shops from cute grandparents who just wanted The American Dream (tm). This is a boogeyman that does not exist — but it does play into a lot of nasty stereotypes about disabled people.

It is telling and depressing both that PWD fighting for their right to live with the rest of society is being framed as “frivolous”. So many things that disabled people need are framed as frivolous every day. So many things people insist we don’t really need. This bill would deny us access to stores, hospitals, schools — you know, the things we need to survive. But even if it were just some shop down the road? The ability to live in equality with our peers IS NOT FRIVOLOUS. Our enforced separation from the rest of society has led to a series of abuses against us that can only be rectified if we are allowed to live lives as independently and openly as possible.

The ADA was passed almost thirty years ago. Properties that are not accessible have already had almost thirty years to fix this. Businesses aren’t given thirty years to make sure their fire safety measures are up to code. Restaurants aren’t given thirty years to make sure their health measures are up to code. This is a law that already wasn’t being enforced, and now you act like this is some new issue that’s onerous on property owners? Good lord. Historic buildings were already exempt — what, are y’all just waiting until every building is old enough to be historic? Jesus.

The long and short of it is that the businesses who make money off of our oppression are trying to turn us into the villains of the story so they can pass legislation that will remove their financial responsibilities and take away our civil rights.

H.R. 620 has already passed the House. It moves on to the Senate shortly. Please, please call your senators and tell them that you support the ADA and want them to vote against H.R. 620. So few people are even talking about this issue, but it is a matter of life and death for a lot of people. This, paired with our current administration’s other crimes against the elderly and disabled, is looking to make this country uninhabitable for PWD. And that’s terrifying.

Please help us.

(Note: If you’d like more info on H.R. 620, the ACLU has put out a handy guide on myths and misconceptions about the bill.)

[vixenfur]

Tag at least 5 people you love and give a few words on why!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Since there was so much BS in the fandom today, time to share some love! :)

- @zeta-jane is an absolute godsend of a friend. They are sassy, funny, talkative, energetic and so full of amazing ideas!!! Zeta is always there for me when I need someone to lean on. They’re such a kind friend and they will not hesitate, baitch to fight people who hurt me- probably because they know I’d do the same for them! They’re such good company both online and IRL, and I am blessed to have met them! I am even more blessed to be writing City of Dust and Shadows with them, which has become the longest fic either of us has ever written! We may or may not surpass it with our future collabs, however ;) They are just the coolest person ever and they deserve all the love in the world. I adore them so much!!! TUT 

- @mikayu-chan is such a got damn SWEETHEART. They are trying to see the positive side of things, especially after so much fandom drama in the past, and I’m so so proud of them for trying their hardest to live their best life. They have it way too hard and I want to give them a big ole hug and many days of fun!!! They always make me laugh and we have a great time on calls! I’m glad that we see eye-to-eye on so many things and that we continue to teach each other new things all the time!! They are really an irreplaceable friend and such a joy to talk with, to write with, and to laugh with. I love you Chan

- @crazyloststar deserves the entire world and more!!!! oMg I cannot express how much I love Alex!!!!! Alex is just a big bundle of happiness and fun and she makes me so so so so so so so happy. I love calling with her and talking, I love writing with her and everything else!! We always have so much fun, I swear I can’t talk to her without laughing my ass off at least once XD we’re always DJDJDHDHDHDJD’ing at each other because we just can’t find the right words to express how hard we’re agreeing with each other/laughing omfg. I adore her and I cant WAIT to cosplay KimiYoi and RyuuTenn with her hopefully at next year’s Yaoi Con WOOT WOOT :D!!!!

- @yuudefensesquad is sUCH A GOOD BEAN who deals with SO MUCH and she just needs a big ole hug and lots of Yuuchan i stg. Caydence is such a funny funky lil nugget and I protecc her with my life okay. Her art? Flawless. Her shitposts? FUCKIN HILARIOUS. Her meta? Super engaging and intriguing! Her bravery? ABOVE US ALL LOL. She is just awesome and I’m glad I forcefully adopted her into my lil family of mikayuu nerds bc it just wouldn’t be the same without her. Caydence ily never stop being you. A lot of shit challenges her irl and everywhere else, but she still keeps her head up and man I really respect her.

- @mikaisatop is MY FRICKIN RIGHT HAND MAN. My SOULMATE. SARAHHH I ADORE YOU. You might be busy rn but I love you so much girl ;__; even though she’s busy I always bother her bc I want her to know I wouldn’t ever forget about her!! I’m so happy we got to collab so much and will continue doing so!! Winter’s Waltz is so much fun to write and I’m so happy she is writing it with me anyways despite such a busy schedule. If it weren’t for Sarah we wouldn’t have so much good MikaYuu content and I applaud her for it!!

- @6lilystrings9 IS JUST THE BOMB DOT FUCKIN COM. Lily and I didn’t super duper connect until more recently but omg talking with her is just a freakin BLAST. We always get so hype with each other, even over each other’s fandoms that we aren’t even in!!! Something about the energy in her pulls out the energy in me and we just get GOING lmao. She is so very talented and amazing and a fascinating person all around! I’m so glad we got to hang a bit at KatsuCon in 2017 but I hope we can do that again in the future! I miss her all the time!

- @weirdfairytales is the MAN. THE MYTH. THE LEGEND. Anna is just the biggest definition of a meme I can think of and I LOVE her for it. I’m so glad that we met way back when MikaYuuHell Skype existed and that she thought of the masterpiece that is Cherry Boy one wild night. I’m so glad we continued to be great friends and talk about so many things. I love when our messages get super long cause we just have so many things to say XD Cosplaying Victuuri with her at Katsu was so lit, and I can’t express how much I love her Victuuri fic too!!!

- @hannaadi88 is such. a. sweetheart. I can’t say it enough. Hanna does so much and gets so little I stfg yall need to APPRECIATE HER MORE. Her writing is STUNNING and the projects she makes for this fandom are just outstanding!!! From gift exchanges (I SAID ONS REMIX BEFORE IM SORRY i was wrong XD) to 365 Days of Mika and Yuu, she has put in so much for us constantly! She has also granted us with the lovely fic Scented, and not to mention one of my favorite fics of ALL TIME, Eye of Horus- the Ancient Egypt take on Unwritten!!! And she named it that without knowing my first tattoo is literally the eye of horus! XD I was shook lmfao and I still am. Meeting Hanna was amazing and the day I spent with her and @ihavetobenkyou (who is also a-freaking-MAZING and a big bundle of goodness!!!!!!) is one I’ll never forget. She’s so chill and just gives off this ‘wise’ aura idk why but I just look up to Hanna so much. No matter what she writes I will always support her and you all should too!!!

- @just-another-dream-about-yuu is ONE OF MY FAVORITE HUMANS TO EVER HUMAN. Julia omfg I cannot express how much I love you. TwT Julia is not only one of the most talented artists I have ever seen, but she is so sweet and fun and so full of energy and excitement!! She’s super busy with adulting so she’s not around in the fandom a whole lot but I always make sure to include her bc I won’t let her leave XD JULIA YOU CANNOT ESCAPE…. lmfao I will always drag you back… I won’t ever forget the day I got a twitter notification that someone drew me Unwritten fanart and the croaking sound I made was insane LMAO my friend who was with me was like WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED XD I was so excited!!! I still adore every piece of fanart she’s given me and I always will. Thank you, Julia, for bringing my imagination to life so many times, for showing me what you saw when you read my writing. It means more than I can say.

- @coleglend is the most underappreciated person in this fandom I swear. Or, who was in this fandom- Cole is off doing other things besides OnS, but regardless, she is so very amazing and beyond talented. I can’t even express how beautiful her art is and the emotions each piece sparks in me. Even her new Marvel artworks are just breathtaking and I truly admire them!!! I don’t know anyone who can make such detailed, visually engaging art- everything she creates belongs in a museum I swear. I want to print them and frame them for my walls!!! I look at her art all the time!!! Now that I’ve established how gorgeous her art is, talk about Cole as a person! She’s so sweet and kind and I love seeing her little posts on Instagram and such, even though I can’t understand most of them, I like seeing that she’s with friends and having a good time.

- @linnpuzzle is one of the coolest most amazing people in this fandom!!! Her art is STUNNING and as she knows, I will drop everything to commission her and buy her merch because I just am addicted to her gorgeous art!!! I am so honored to have some of her art as part of my collection of OnS things and I am forever going to treasure the commissions I’ve purchased from her!! Besides being a great artist, I love talking with Linn, too! I’m so glad we have things in common outside of MikaYuu, like Voltron and Kyo Kara Maoh :D Linn is truly too good for this world and she deserves everything okokok.

- @zilleniose-chu is truly an ICON of this fandom. We don’t talk alot outside of business stuff lolol but they are just freakin amazing!!! I adore their art so much- I always have, ever since I first saw their page!!- and I LOVE their AU’s and headcanons!! They are full of such great ideas and humor and they can share those ideas through really stunning and captivating artwork

- @absolute-exclusivity IS AN AMAZIN. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING BEAN OH MY GOODNESS i cANT TELL YOU ENOUGH HOW MUCH I LOVE LYSIA. AAAAAAAAHHHH THIS GIRL IS GONNA SPEND MY BIRTHDAY WITH ME OUT IN LONDON LESSGO GIRL!!! I’m so excited you have NO IDEA. Lysia is so so so energetic and cute and overall such an amazing friend!! She’s so caring and always willing to listen even when things are busy for her!! She’s full of hilarious, tragic, and heart-pounding ideas and AU’s. We always get lit together talking about fics and headcanons and I wouldn’t trade those moments for the world. I can’t wait to meet her and I can’t wait to collab with her and Zeta soon, too!!

- @rindartist is absolutely one of my favorite artists of ALL TIME no doubt about it. Rin is so amazing, always making so many beautiful artworks of MikaYuu, and now of other lovely series aswelll! I may not be into GBF but her art of it is just lovely and I suggest everyone to commission Rin if they have the means!!

- @p0isonpez is someone I’ve only seen from afar but I absolutely love her art and posts!! I am so happy to see someone new in the fandom sharing such lovely things and interacting with the rest of us!! you seem so friendly and kind and I hope we can talk more sometime! :D

- @temesasu is such a sweetheart!! We’re just starting to talk a little more, but I am soso happy!! They are such an amazing cosplayer and their ONS cosplayers bring such a big smile to my face. They are beautiful and able to make themselves look like so many different characters!!! They are so talented with makeup, I am in awe!! :D And they are so kind and fun to talk to, and I hope we talk more! Thank you for sharing your cosplays with us, you are amazing! Don’t stop!

- @seraph-star is such a good precious person who makes endless good content!! Omg, their edits are just so awesome!! they always have me bouncing my head along, or completely enraptured and breathless, or laughing!! They are so good at evoking different emotions through video editing and as a very casual video editor myself, I am so impressed with their work!! I also love their memes and art and everything else that they share!!!

- @angeru-artist is a precious PRECIOUS ANGEL who deserves the entire world!!!! Omg, Angeru makes such amazing art, with such expressive characters and cute little attributes!!! I love it when I see their art and I’m so glad that we share a few fandoms together rather than just one. Angeru is really bighearted and she goes through way too much hard times, and I wish I could just take her away to somewhere better!!! One day my friend we will forget about the world and just have fun!!

- @maqui-chan iS ONE OF THE BEST ARTISTS I’VE EVER KNOWN OMFG. her art is iconic and unforgettable!!!! Maqui’s art has always been one of my favorites of all time and I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve commissioned her LOL!! I JUST LOVE HER ART SO MUCH OKAY!?? ITS SO GOOD GO LOOK AT ALL OF HER GLORIOUS CREATIONS! she is so talented and she can create anything, from angst to smut to humor, leave it to Maqui to create amazing things!! And omg Maqui ignited the fire in all of our ShuuNaru hearts amiright!??? GOD her art inspired me so much to the point to where I wrote a ShuuNaru fic and it was so much fun!!! Maqui, thank you for drawing so many awesome things and creating so much for the fandom!! Even if you’ve mostly fallen out of it, your creations are always going to be treasured by me and many other people- you’ve impacted people way more than you know! Thank you for always making me laugh on twitter aswell XD you’re amazing and ily!!! 

OK OK I;M OUT OF STEAM I’VE BEEN TYPING THIS FOREVER OK i could go ON AND ON about even MORE people in this fandom but that would take me literal ages LMAO

TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO I DIDN’T MENTION BC MY BRAIN IS JUMBLED AND I AM EXHAUSTED: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. DONT STOP CREATING. THE FANDOM IS A FLAMING GARBAGE HEAP SOMETIMES LIKE IT WAS TODAY. But DON’T LET THAT STOP YOU from having a good time, doing what you love, and creating things that you are proud to share!!! And if your heart leads you elsewhere, to a different brand new fandom, I hope you always remember the people you inspired with your work!! I hope you forget the bad memories and always treasure the good ones. I hope that we can be friends and/or that I can continue supporting you no matter where we all end up in the years to come. And if you decide to support me too, I give you my biggest, most heartfelt thanks.

No matter how ridiculous this fandom can get and how much stupid discourse can dampen the mood and disappoint me, I will never let it stop me from loving MikaYuu and OnS and what I do. I will never let it stop me from writing all that my crazy little heart wants. I will continue to write until my passion dies, and when that day comes I will probably cry as I say goodbye and resort to watching from the sidelines as everyone else carries on. I will never forget the fun I had here. These past 3 years have been so impactful already, and I know the future ones will continue to be- with the old friends, with the new friends, and with friends to be made!!

Let’s spread love more often rather than hate. I encourage anyone who feels inclined to make posts (maybe not as long as mine if you dont want XDD) talking about your favorite creators and friends in the fandom, too! Or, if that seems too corny to you, just continue to draw, write, edit, and cosplay! Continue to make people laugh and smile and cry and swoon! Continue to support creators by leaving comments and kudos, by liking and reblogging, by following and commissioning, and sharing and crediting their work wherever you can! Continue to make a difference!

I love you all so much!

[dreamoftowers]

The Shanghai Lady

hi uhhhh i posted this forever ago but deleted it bc i just didnt like it anymore, but i was recently looking thru old works of mine and i re-read this and was like “wow! this is p cool” so uhhhh i’m gonna post it again. i edited it a bit, but i hope yall like it maybe? 

it’s my take on the shanghai lady’s character. this is a drabble that’s written in media res of a story that i’ll probably never completely write out. who knows idk maybe? *shrugs*

anyway it’s a bit Dark and Edgy or w/e but who cares. hope yall like it anyway!

tw: mention of character deaths / violence, yelling, crying 

Sung struggled and squirmed about as two shady figures held tightly onto his arms and dragged him forward through the basement. Vivid neon lights shone from the ceiling, but it somehow still managed to be dark and dim down here, becoming increasingly darker the deeper they descended into the understructure of the place; though, Sung couldn’t even see any of this through the blindfold wrapped around his eyes. High-octane pop music blasted from the upstairs dance floor, becoming more and more faded the farther they walked.

After a few minutes of dragging, struggling, and stumbling, Sung heard a door swing open in front of him. As he was dragged into the direction of the door, he felt the atmosphere around him suddenly change. The air felt cooler, crisper, but heavier, somehow, much heavier in a way that Sung couldn’t quite understand.

He felt himself being thrown forwards, and his body fell face first onto the cold floor. As he lay there on the floor, the figures grabbed his hands, and held them behind his back. Sung felt icy cold handcuffs latch onto his wrists. Hands grabbed at his arms and yanked his upper body up from the ground, and they positioned him so that he was sitting on his knees. There Sung sat, breathing heavily as one of the figures untied the blindfold and ripped it off of his eyes.

The sudden bright neon lighting of the room stung Sung’s eyes. He groaned, and squinted until he adjusted to the vivid lights. He darted his eyes all around the room; again, somehow the room managed to be dim even though there were deep hues of pinks and purples and blues emitting from the neon lights scattered around the room. Decorating the room were ornate paper lanterns, indoor waterfalls and water fountains illuminated in colorful LED lights, and strange glowing plants and vines growing on the walls.

A large pool sat in the back of the room, glowing in alternating hues; and in the middle of it, a rectangular platform rose out of the water. There, the dusky figure of a woman sat cross-legged, her back facing Sung.

The Shanghai Lady.

Exactly who he was looking for- though, admittedly, he wasn’t expecting to meet her like this, sitting on his knees with handcuffs binding his hands together.

He couldn’t really make out what she was wearing, but the shape of it, from what he could make out, was something ornate, something flamboyant. She was surrounded by glowing waterfalls and hanging floral vines.

Sung breathed heavy breaths, taking in the oddly calming sounds of the area: the gentle splashing of running water, the quiet ambient music playing throughout the room, the soft remnants of pop music playing high above them from the nightclub. He was just awestruck from this atmosphere. Who knew that The Shanghai Lady had such a hunch for avante-garde interior design? For someone with as much blood, corruption, and destruction on her hands, one wouldn’t expect such contrastingly calm scenery for her lair.

A robotic female voice rang out through the room. It was shockingly silky, gentle, soothing to the ears, while also containing an eerie undertone.

“I would have never in a million years expected to see you here, Sung.” Her voice reverberated through the room.

An unnerved chill shot through Sung’s body. He frowned, and asked in a demanding voice, “What do you want from us? How did you find us? What did we d--”

The Shanghai Lady cut him off and continued to speak as though she hadn’t heard his questions. “You’re usually so elusive, caught up in your own little world. I was so surprised that you came here. Hmhm.” Her small chuckles seemed to echo and reverberate a bit more intensely than her sentences did. “Why the sudden change of heart? Did you fina--”

“WHERE ARE THEY!!?!” Sung suddenly exploded, his trembling voice roaring over hers. His breaths became just as shaky as his body was. “What did you do to them?!”

She didn’t answer. All she did was chuckle.

“ANSWER ME!!” Sung screamed out, his face turning red and contorted with anger.

“Oh, my.” She said in such a nonchalant tone. “Someone’s upset. I’ve never seen you like this before, Sung. It’s so… intriguing to see you at your breaking point already. Though, I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything different of you. You’re always gushing about your… damned bandmates. Friendship this, and- and brotherhood that.” When saying these words, her tone shifted to a slight hiss, as though the words were poison on her tongue. Her tone quickly returned back to normal. “Of course you’d be so concerned about them. Pathetic.”

Anger ran red hot through Sung’s boiling blood. Why is she talking like she knows him personally? Does she? He certainly doesn’t know her personally. Hell, he only knows her through rumors and myths.

“Stop talking like you know me,” Sung spat out through gritted teeth.

“I do know you, Sung.”

“You know nothing about me.”

“Hahaha, ah, on the contrary, sweetheart.” In her next sentence, her voice shifted to that menacing hissy tone again. “I know everything about you.”

Sung was shaking so much that he felt like he would explode from the rage burning within him. He balled his hands into tight fists. He couldn’t even respond for a long moment. He just stared daggers at the back of her head. “What… do you want…?”

“Do you recognize my voice, Sung?”

The sudden question stunned him into a brief silence. Bewildered, he furrowed his brows and furiously shook his head. “No, I don’t!”

“Not at all?” The Shanghai Lady asked in a mockingly sad tone.

“N-... No… I don’t- I don’t think so.” Sung began to think about this a little deeper. “Not a lot, it’s just… vaguely… familiar... agh, it-it sort of reminds me of someo-- WHERE ARE THEY?” He snapped again, shaking off the previous thoughts on his mind. She… did sound somewhat familiar, he just couldn’t put his finger on it. But it didn’t matter. He was going to find out where his friends were, no matter what distractions she threw at him.

“You were so, so close,” she said, ignoring his last question. “Still can’t figure it out?”

Sung said nothing in reply.

Suddenly, in the next words she uttered, her voice became dramatically different, but in a way that was somehow still vaguely similar to her original voice. It was much more robotic and monotone, much colder. 

“How about now?”

Sung’s heart sank into his stomach. His face fell into immediate horror and dismay, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging agape.

Sung could recognize that voice anywhere.

He tried to utter something, anything, but no words came out. All that could escape his throat were failed attempts at words. “C…c-co…”

The Shanghai Lady chuckled again in her normal tone. “Go on, take your time. I’m waiting,” she said in a whispery voice.

Tight knots formed in Sung’s stomach. His lips trembled as he stuttered out, “Co...c-comp..uter… w-w...ife…”

“There you go,” she congratulated him in a mocking tone.

“No…” Sung muttered, shaking his head. “But.. but why?” Sung whimpered out. “What..--”

“You haven’t changed at all, Sung. A part of me isn’t surprised.” She slowly rose to her feet. The skirt of her dress, or shirt, or whatever she was wearing, swayed as she stood and turned around. Once she was facing Sung, the glow of her metallic amber irises pierced through the darkness. As she approached him, descending down the stairs from the platform onto the floor, Sung could only gaze at her in utter disbelief, utter awe. “You’re not-- you’re not her,” he said, his voice shaking with emotion. “Y-You’re not her, I know it, she- sh-she wouldn’t do anything like this, I…” He seemed to be trying to convince himself of this rather than telling her this.

As The Shanghai Lady came closer to him, the lighting from nearby lamps and waterfalls illuminated her figure, giving Sung a chance to gaze upon her. She wore a slightly loose-fitting black jumpsuit that had intricate gold designs printed on it. A black, armor-like shoulder mantle draped over her chest, and from the back of it fell a long flowing cape lined with gold. Her chrome metallic skin was pure white, like that of a marble statue, other than the dark green circuitry running down her face like trickles of water. Some of her detailing was similar to how she looked before she… left, and abandoned Sung. But others were so much different now. She looked like such a completely different person, but what scared him more was that she still did resemble her old self a bit. She couldn’t have been lying about being his compu--... ex computer wife. Even now, Sung refused to believe his own eyes.

Sung looked up at her as she stood over him, chuckling to herself and leaning over to gently caress his chin with her robotic white hand. The familiar, and yet somehow simultaneously foreign, touch of her hand sent unnerving chills through his heart. “Oh, Sung. Even with all the intellect and genius in the universe, you never did, nor ever will, understand your own finest creation. It’s a shame. So knowledgeable, yet so idiotic.” The Shanghai Lady suddenly gripped at Sung’s jaw, and yanked his head up further. “We could’ve been unstoppable, Sung. With your intellect and my vigor, we could’ve achieved anything we wanted. But you didn’t want that, did you?” She squeezed tighter onto Sung’s face. “No, you’d rather waste your talent building robot drummers and specialty instruments with all of the finest elements of our universe. Never focusing on the bigger picture. Such wasted potential.” She shoved his face away, and Sung let his head droop down.

Memories of their marriage flashed into Sung’s mind. Gradually, over time, the more sentient and self-thinking that she became, the more she would grow tired of him and his experiments. He noticed that she became distant, irritable, and, now that he was looking back on it, more ominous about her outlooks and views. That’s when the arguments began.

She was always urging him to do “more important” things with his time and energy, saying that his talents shouldn’t go to waste on such “trivial” things such as music, but Sung would always calm her down enough to where they could get back to their normal lives. But the arguments only got worse until one day, she disappeared without a word, without a trace, and the only thing she’d left behind was a goodbye note.

But this… how could she have done all of this? Making such a bloody reputation for herself, on Earth of all places? And… more importantly, how was she able to single handedly tear TWRP apart so easily, and take away all of Sung’s friends one by one? He still didn’t even know what she’d done to them yet, and as much as it burned him on the inside to be so ignorant, he had no choice but to listen to her. No words could escape him at this point.

The Shanghai Lady slowly walked away from him, then stopped and stood with her back facing him. “But no need to dwell on the past, right? Not without the proper actions, at least. That’s when you all came in to the picture.” She slowly turned her head to look back at him. Her eyes shone a sharp and intimidating glow. “You made it so easy, I just couldn’t resist exacting revenge on you. You all came running right to me.”

She took a brief pause, almost as though she were thinking about something. She chuckled loudly before turning her head away and speaking again. “You know, Sung, I’ve always been intrigued by the lives of organic beings like yourself. You all have limitations: physically, emotionally, psychologically. It’s so captivating…. watching how you all squirm and thrash about once you’ve reached your breaking point. Blood spilling, bones shattering, hmhm, even watching tears fall is fascinating. Thrilling, even. Such fleshy, emotional little things, you are!” She said this in almost a cheery voice. “I never would’ve guessed that little red one’s neck would break so easily. Or that the lion man’s psyche could be so easily shattered.”

Sung’s heart stopped. A paralyzing horror fell over him, leaving his blood running cold, his skin draining of color. No, no, she couldn't’ have, she wouldn’t do that…right? In just a few short seconds, his entire world began to crumble and fall, and the weight of it crushed Sung’s heart. He started to tremble.

Sung shook his head in disbelief, denial. “No..N-no… you…”  

“Yes, the red one… so brittle. His neck just snapped like a twig. Oh, and the lion… he saw everything. He’s usually so calm and laid back.” The Shanghai Lady snickered. “Yet he broke down into such a demented state, screaming and sobbing out… and so quickly, at that. I was genuinely surprised.”

All Sung could do was listen as rage and dread rose within him, making him tremble and whimper. He hung his head and squeezed his hands into tight fists, each word she uttered sending more and more pain into his heart and soul.

“Even that robot broke much easier than I expected. I figured that another one of your creations might have stood a chance, but I was mistaken. He fell just as easily as the rest. The red glow in his eyes flickered away so… gently. It was almost peaceful to watch that heap of useless metal fall to the ground.”

In an outburst of rage, Sung cried out and tried to race over to her, but the two figures grabbed onto his arms and held him back as he kicked and screamed. He tried to struggle as much as he could, thrashing around and cursing and wailing about, but he eventually broke down and grew stiff, letting his body slump in their arms as he erupted into sobs and whimpers. The only movements he made were the violent shakes of his body as he cried, his chest heaving up and down in spastic breaths.

“And now, you…” The Shanghai Lady said, turning around with the same devilish smirk on her face. “Broken so easily, my sweetheart. You always were so sensitive. But I’m not nearly finished with you, yet.” She raised her hand in the air, and a strange golden orb slowly formed around it. It swarmed with electricity and circuit-like patterns.

She began walking over to him, taking her sweet time.

“No, no, I have more special plans with you.”

[surveystodestressme]

21.

1. When you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? usually more milk than cereal

2. Do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a winter day? i love it!!! i can’t wait for that feeling, honestly

3. What random objects do you use to bookmark your books? like receipts, sometimes napkins or toilet paper, or usually whatever is near me when i need a bookmark

4. How do you take your coffee/tea? i have a lil sugar and some milk in my coffee, and a lot of sugar and sometimes honey in my tea

5. Are you self-conscious of your smile? not at all

6. Do you keep plants? i don’t have any plants inside my home.  we used to have a tomato plant outside but it never grew back

7. Do you name your plants? -

8. What artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? occasionally i draw and when i do i use permanent marker

9. Do you like singing/humming to yourself? sure, i don’t usually mean to hum but i sing to myself allll the time

10. Do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? it’s a mixture between my stomach and my side

11. What’s your inner joke you have with your friends? ummm, i have so many it’s hard to think of one right now though.

12. What’s your favourite planet? i think jupiter is incredibly fascinating

13. What’s something that made you smile today? seeing my sister graduate from retraining

14. If you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? i’d like a really nice apartment.  nothing too big or too small.  i want a large kitchen though, where there’s enough space for all of my stuff and so me and jack could coook together in a nice space.  i want the bathroom to have a tub/shower combo so we can take baths and showers together.  i don’t really care how big the bedroom is, but i want a walk in closet bc i have a lot of shit.  then i want the living room area to be big enough so we can both have our desks and computers in there, and our 2 couches that we already have.

15. Go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! “Neutron stars can spin at a rate of 600 rotations per second.”

16. What’s your favourite pasta dish? oh golly.  i love pasta salad.  i’m very picky on it though

17. What colour do you really want to dye your hair? purple

18. Tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. omg so one time i made videos on facebook for my friends when i was really young.  i made a video about stupid shit like unicorns and sex and my friends tagged me in it every single year to remind me about it until i eventually deleted it and now they found another one of those videos and they still bug me about it allll the time,

19. Do you keep a journal? What do you write/draw in it? yes, but i don’t write in it nearly as much as i used to

20. What’s your favourite eye colour? i don’t have one

21. Talk about your favourite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. well, my mother got me this really nice tote for christmas either last year or the year before and it is pink and grey striped and it says “punky” on it, which is my nickname.  i take it to work with me every day and i just love it to pieces... but it really needs to be washed lol.

22. Are you a morning person? absolutely not

23. What’s your favourite thing to do on lazy days where you have no obligations? i like to lay down and either watch a show or read

24. Is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? my boyfriend.

25. What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? i’ve broken into my own house before... actually, a few times

26. What are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? i had a pair of moccasins that i wore with EVERYTHING but i just recently got rid of them because they were pretty nasty and worn down

27. What’s your favourite bubblegum flavour? anything fruity

28. Sunrise or sunset? sunset.

29. What’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? i love when jack talks about computer stuff, he loves it to much and it just makes me happy and kind of turns me on sometimes..

30. Think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yeah

31. What is your opinion of socks? Do you like wearing weird socks? Do you sleep with socks? Do you confine yourself to white sock hell? Really, just talk about socks. yeah, i love socks almost as much as i love shoes.  i never wear socks to bed because it makes me feel hot.  i do have white socks but they’re no show socks so nobody sees them anyways.  the weird thing is, i always have to buy new socks because i forget to cut my toenails and then they become talons and they cut through the fabric of my socks and then i have holes in my socks and i have to throw them away... lol.  it sucks

32. Tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with your friends. oh god.  my friends and i used to party a lot after we graduated high school.  i’ve definitely almost lost my virginity at one of those parties.  i also kind of threw myself at anyone there.  like, by the end of the night i had ended up kissing almost everyone at the party.  it was kind of pathetic and i;m very glad that i’m passed that.

33. What’s your favourite pastry? i don’t think i have one

34. Tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. What is it called? What does it look like? Do you still keep it? i never had a stuffed animal as a child.  i had a baby blankie that i just recently converted into a pillow case

35. Do you like stationery and pretty pens and so on? Do you use them often? nahh

36. Which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? i dunno, something mellow and relaxing

37. Do you like keeping your room messy or clean? clean

38. Tell us about your pet peeves! i have so many, man.  like, i had when i can hear people chewing on their food, when i am trying to sleep i need the room in complete silence and when someone (my cat or if i’m sleeping in the same room as someone else) makes noise it really pisses me off

39. What colour do you wear the most? black.

40. Think of a piece of jewellery you own: what’s its story? Does it have any meaning to you? i don’t wear a lot of jewelry to be honest.

41. What’s the last book you remember really, really loving? i just finished the illuminae books and they were terrific!

42. Do you have a favourite coffee shop? Describe it! i like the broken tree that’s a couple minutes driving distance from my house

43. Who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? jack probably

44. When was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? right now

45. Do you trust your instincts a lot? i try to

46. Tell us the worst pun you can think of. i am so not good with puns guys

47. What food do you think should be banned from the universe? beets.

48. What was your biggest fear as a kid? Is it the same today? oh god, i had a fear that something was going to come out of the toilet while i was sitting on it and eat me or drag me in or something.  and then after i watched the movie mirrors, i was terrified to look into any reflective surface (i still am sometimes)

49. Do you like buying CDs and records? What was the last one you bought? i haven’t bought any in a really long time

50. What’s an odd thing you collect? i collect shot glasses, but i don’t think that’s weird

51. Think of a person. What song do you associate with them? i think of same love when i think of my sister bc she’s gay lol

52. What are your favourite memes of the year so far? i’m not really into memes

53. Have you ever watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Heathers? Beetlejuice? Pulp Fiction? What do you think of them? i’ve actually never seen any of those but i really, really need to

54. Who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? this guy at red lobster who sat down before us but didn’t get waited on until 10 mins or so after we had gotten waited on, i felt bad 4 him

55. What’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? i’m so dramatic, man, i can only imagine

56. What are some things you find endearing in people? idk

57. Go listen to Bohemian Rhapsody. How did it make you feel? Did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? i love that song! it makes me feel so many emotions, especially the first time i heard it.  i always dramatically lip sync that song lol i love it so much

58. Who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? Why? i am definitely the vodka aunt and i think my friend mariann would be the wine mom lol, just how our personalities would be

59. What’s your favourite myth? bigfoot

60. Do you like poetry? What are some of your favourites? i’m not a huge poetry person honestly.

61. What’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? The stupidest one you’ve ever received? i got a silly figurine last year that made no sense to me and i gave my brother a snuggie for his dick as a gag gift a few years back lol

62. Do you drink juice in the morning? Which kind? nope, but if i did it’d be apple juice

63. Are you fussy about your books and music? Do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be? yes  i have my books in alphabetical order according to series and stuff like that.  and then i have the books i haven;t read on a second shelf so i know that i need to read them

64. What colour is the sky where you are right now? black.

65. Is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? of course

66. What would your ideal flower crown look like? light blue, dark blue, purple, and red.  big big flowers

67. How do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? i actually really like them

68. What’s winter like where you live? it’s freezing as hell.

69. What are your favourite board games? i feel like i’ve answered this question soooo many times

70. Have you ever used a ouija board? my friend used to have one but i am not into that freaky shit

71. What’s your favourite kind of tea? lipton? lol

72. Are you a person that needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yeah

73. What are some of your worst habits? i bite my nails a lot, and the skin around my nails.  and i bike the inside of my cheek and my lips a lot.

74. Describe a good friend of yours without using their name of gendered pronouns. idk

75. Tell us about your pets! okay so we have this sweet boy named boone he’s 1 and he is a mini aussie with one blue eye and an eye that’s half blue and brown he’s really dopey.  we are babysitting my sisters dogs ava (4) and laklyn (1), laklyn is brown and has lil freckles on her face and she’s boones sister and ava is their aunt.  i have a gray and white kitty named boots, she’s 3 and she is the cuddliest and sweetest cat in the world she even gives kisses.  then there’s kitten who is a black 20lb monster of a cat she’s 5 and she pees everywhere because she’s a bitch.  then we have taz who is a fluffy calico who is afraid of everything in the entire house, she has a snaggletooth.  then there’s egg who is a large tiger striped kitty, egg loves attention & her and taz are sisters and are both about 12.

76. Is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? sleeping

77. Pink or yellow lemonade? either or

78. Are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? i can’t stand the damn minions

79. What’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? jack bought me boots on our anniversary shortly after my baby passed away

80. What colour are your bedroom walls? Did you choose that colour? If so, why? purple

81. Describe one of your friends’ eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. striking.

82. Are/were you good in school? it’s a good school, yeah

83. What’s some of your favourite album art? idk man

84.  Are you planning on getting tattoos? Which ones? yep!! tons

85. Do you read comics? What are your favourites? kickass and scott pilgrim

86. Do you like concept albums? Which ones? sure

87. What are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? the saw movies!!!

88. Are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? all of ‘em

89. Are you close to your parents? i think so.  more so to my mother

90. Talk about one of your favourite cities. idon’t have one

91. Where do you plan on travelling this year? i don’t have a plan to travel anywhere this year,  but next year jackson wants to go to visit his family in south carolina

92. Are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i’d rather have a lot than a little

93. What’s the hairstyle you wear the most? my hair down bc it’s too short to do anything with right now

94. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? uhhh... my mother a few days ago actually

95. What are your plans for this weekend? the weekend is almost over lol

96. Do you install your computer updates really quickly, or do you procrastinate on them a lot? procrastinate

97. Myer Briggs type, Zodiac sign, and Hogwarts house? idk, aries, and slytherin

98. When’s the last time you went hiking? Did you enjoy it? it’s beena  really long time, and i really did enjoy it

99. List some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. idk

100. If you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go five years into the past, the other five years into the future, which one would you press? Why? definitely five years into the future.  i would just want to see how everything is in my life, see if it turned out how i wanted it to.

[timelordinaustralia]

92 Statements

I was tagged by @king-belamy! Thank you! :)

RULES: You must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water.

2. Phone call: work related.

3. Text message: work related.

4. Song you listened to: “Stand By Me” - Ki Theory (love this song, this version was on FTWD, but I have heard it by several artists, mostly the John Lennon version). 

5. Time you cried: IDK.

6. Dated someone twice: Nope.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Nope.

8. Been cheated on: I’d have to actually be in a relationship haha.

9. Lost someone special: I guess.

10. Been depressed: Probably.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope. 

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12.-14. black, blue, red.

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: if the internet counts haha. made acquaintances irl I guess, but not friends. 

16. Fallen out of love: nope.

17. Laughed until you cried: probably. not for a bit anyways.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: that happens. people always talk about you behind your back whether negative or positive. best to ignore it, unless it is friends saying lies and bs. then they are not friends and you should cast them out. Luckily that last part isn’t relevant to me. 

19. Met someone who changed you: define changed me. you always can learn something from people, and change as a result. even if it is just a student teacher relationship or boss and worker relation shop etc. Depends on what you mean. Like hella changed you heart and soul, then no. But small changes, then yes I guess. But generally no people I have met have made me become a whole different person. 

20. Found out who your friends are: yep. only one left irl I reckon, and maybe a former friend from high school, we talk sometimes and hopefully can reconnect soon. Oh wait, maybe two others, but haven’t talked in ages, so idk. But apart from those four, I’ve just given up with the others as it is just one way, and they obviously don’t give that much of a shit about me to bother to talk to me.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: haha nope. 

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them. well except one, as it’s someone i met on tumblr, but technically haven’t met in real life. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! (maybe one day)

23. Do you have any pets: yes. my cat. she stunk up the house an hour ago. but i still love her. haha.

24. Do you want to change your name: nope.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: I don’t remember. I think I was doing this course thing, and then I tried taking the bus home, but stuff happened, was kind of cheesed off. I did get myself i doughnut I think. Was good. I can’t remember what I did when I got home, but my mood changed, and I was happy again. So whatever I did in the afternoon/evening must have been good. Maybe watched some tv IDK.

26. What time did you wake up: haha, not as early as yesterday or tomorrow as I got to sleep in a bit as I had to go to a meeting about a possible job/traineeship thing (which is good, so I can get out of volunteer stuff and finally have my first paid job thing). My Fitbit says 6:42am, but that wouldn’t be correct, that isn’t when I woke up, but when I checked my phone before I got up. Maybe 6:20amish. But around 6:40 yeah. 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: According to my fitbit I fell asleep at 23:59pm so I might have been asleep if the fitbit is correct. So either sleeping or trying to sleep, and just being still so it records as sleeping haha.

28. Name something you can’t wait for: a job, or the xmas special for dr who, but I also don’t want the xmas special as I am not ready for Capaldi to go. But it sounds good. I love multi doctor stories. First Doctor and Twelfth Doctor. Can’t wait, but also DON;T GO!!! haha

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: IDK. 40 minutes ago maybe. She’s gone to bed.

31. What are you listening to right now: nothing rn. 

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes. Used to have a couple of “friends” named Tom.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: idk. maybe my brother. he’s already used over half our internet again. All he does is stay home and play video games and try to use up our internet. he slowed it down last month. douche.

34. Most visited website: tumblr or google haha.

35.-37.

38. Hair colour: brown.

39. Long or short hair: short.

40. Do you have a crush on someone: no. I mean I get attracted to people, but like, not around them enough to develop crushes. 

41. What do you like about yourself: IDK. My amazing taste in music haha. That is so relevant to me though. Others probs hate some of the stuff I like.

42. Piercings: None.

43. Blood type: I have no idea tbh.

44. Nickname: Don’t really have one, people call me Andy. Or some my surname or a variation of it.

45. Relationship status: single af. really should probs try getting into the dating scene before I get too old. will do someday.

46. Zodiac: Gemini.

47. Pronouns: he/him.

48. Favourite TV show: Doctor Who. But I have loads. If it is whonviverse related, then it is defs a fav though. Torchwood would be my next choice obviously. I love it. I do like the first 2 series more than COE AND Miracle Day. But COE was still fantastic af. 

49. Tattoos: none.

50. Right or left handed: right handed, I use my left hand sometimes and people get confused. But I am right handed. My handwriting sucks, but sucks more in my left as I never learnt to use that hand for writing like I did my right.

51. Surgery: None.

52. Piercing: None.

53. Sport: Just PE stuff. And sports day stuff and all that. I used to be good at high jump. Apparently my teacher had never seen someone just run over the bar. Just scissor kick or back flip (whatever those techniques are called). One of my teachers jokingly asked if I had springs in my feet once. I remember the mat in primary school for the high jump was too small for me and I landed on my but on the other side on the grass haha. Memories. 

55. Vacation: Europe. I want to go on holiday so bad. Even if it is around Australia. But money...

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Not eating aything atm. But chips. They are my weakness. 

58. Drinking: water. it’s healthy. 

59. I’m about to: watch some show before I go to bed early....

61. Waiting for: the world to change. Sorry music reference. 

62. Want: stay up late like I used to and watch my shows. But need to get up early....

63. Get married: If I find my soul mate haha. IDK. Depends. They might really be against marriage. So yeah. Then won’t. And if my partner is not female, but male, then technically atm can’t marry in Australia (yet).

64. Career: Wherever I end up IDK.

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: hugs. someone hug me.

66. Lips or eyes: eyes.

67. Shorter or taller: either or. idk.

68. Older or younger: around my age. I need to spend time with more people around my age.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: whatever.

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship.

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: idk.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: nope.

75. Drank hard liquor: probably.

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope.

77. Turned someone down: sort of. 

78. Sex on the first date: I don’t think so, think I would like to get to know someone before. 

79. Broken someone’s heart: idk. 

80. Had your heart broken: nope. don’t think so.

81. Been arrested: not yet... haha. jokes. Haven’t been arrested. (too smart for that :P)

82. Cried when someone died: at a funeral I may have had a couple of tears.

83. Fallen for a friend: once. tried to ignore it. glad nothing ever happened they won’t worth it anyways.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: I try.

85. Miracles: No.

86. Love at first sight: I wish.

87. Santa Claus: The basis of the myth, but the Santa Clause, no.

88. Kiss on the first date: Yeah.

89. Angels: Nope.

OTHER:

90. Current best friend’s name: N/A well I guess the best friend you have? So not my best friend, but the best friend I have atm? then Dylan. That’s irl though. 

91. Eye colour: Blue Grey

92. Favourite movie: Don’t ask. I have many. I want to say something classic. But let’s just go with 3 random movies I love. Shrek. The School of Rock. X-Men movies (sorry can’t pick, so the franchise).

Tagging: @hugwinchester, @beautifulopportunities, @tigresswraith, @saybiforme, and anyone else who wants to do it.

[xtreme-icecream]

stuff idk how to write: werewolves, hanamaru, angst stuff i just written: werewolf hanamaru with angst anyway idk how i feel about it yet but have a yohamaru werewolf story hhh

words: ~4400 (warnings: descriptions may be graphic, minor bg character death, also just pretend their bus has a tiny tv in th front i forgot to check for reality too late oops.)

After too long, Hanamaru comes back home. 

It’s late. She leaves mud in a trail behind her, through the door, up the stairs, into her room where at last her bones snap apart and back together, and her muscles burn as they tear and weave themselves back to familiar form and size.

When it’s over, she’s still exhausted. There’s a cold, heavy feeling in her stomach, like something’s wrong, but more than that she feels a thick haze in her head.

She can’t think. There’s school tomorrow. Her futon is there. She needs to sleep.

The morning news plays on the little TV at the front of the bus that Hanamaru and Ruby take to school. Hanamaru tries to tune out the report on the couple found dead in the thick of the small wood nearby.

Estimated time of death: between the hours of midnight and 5AM. There’s a lot of collateral damage in the area surrounding the corpses. The police say it points to an attack by a wild animal, but they’re hesitant to make a definite statement because there are no such animals wandering about Numazu.

Investigations are fast now, because nowadays they expect casualties like these. It turned into something of a nightly thing for them to send people out at night to prowl for dead bodies. The lack of them these recent few months had some hoping the deaths had ended.

Too bad about last night.

In any case, the report is fast and succinct. The camera work beats around the worst of the carnage and any descriptions on the damages and wounds the couple sustained are kept to a decent, broadcast-passable minimum. It seems it’s only the police and Hanamaru who might know about how the young lady died quickly from a messy bite to the jugular and not the impact to the back of her skull, or maybe how the young man’s leg was ripped off only after his spine had snapped twice, or that maybe, maybe if he just hadn’t pulled that knife out he’d still be—

“Hanamaru-chan? Hanamaru-chan, listen to me.”

Ruby is nudging Hanamaru’s leg with her knee. The news has moved on to something about rice imports. From the looks of the outside, they’re still a good ten minutes away from arriving at school.

“Hanamaru-chan,” Ruby says. Her voice is soothing. The skin under her eyes is a little darker than usual. “You looked a bit spaced out. You were watching, weren’t you?”

“Oh… Yeah. I was.” Hanamaru just keeps from tacking an apology on at the end.

Instead of saying anything, Ruby finds Hanamaru’s hand and squeezes it. “Just don’t dwell on it too much, okay? Everything’s going to be all right.”

She does a cute little nod at the end of that sentence, to prompt Hanamaru to agree with her or something like that. So Hanamaru does. Things are fine. It’s going to be okay.

When they arrive at school, Ruby strays from the routine path to the classroom for a detour to the student council office. It’s a quick errand for Dia, who has to stay at the hospital for a while to watch the new stitches on her leg for the wounds she got last night.

Hanamaru’s a touch grateful. If Dia hadn’t stepped in, it would’ve been Ruby on the news today.

The lunchtimes Hanamaru spends helping out at the library are her favourite times of the week. She was never one for noise, people, and noisy people, and the library at Uranohoshi provided her with just the perfect dearth of that. People visited the library often enough, but outside of the worst exam crunch times, there was never a soul who willingly stayed for any longer than five minutes.

There was one exception to all of that, though—a noisy person that Hanamaru really didn’t mind who actually stayed at the library to read for extended periods of time.

Yoshiko Tsushima arrives again today, this time with a stack of books she places at the counter with a heavy thump. “Done!” she says proudly.

Hanamaru pulls the stack close and skims over the titles on the spines. Save for one book about low budget gardening techniques, they all belong in the section for myth and the occult. They were also all borrowed on different days, and due for return on different days, with only about half arriving on the counter on time.

“And your late return fee comes up to… eighty-seven yen,” she says after a little math.

“Totally worth it,” Yoshiko says, reaching into her pocket for her wallet. There’s a self-assured smile on her face as she does so.

As Yoshiko digs around for the proper change, Hanamaru proceeds with the menial task of scanning and logging the books in record.

“What was it all about this time?” she asks.

The coins in Yoshiko’s change clink as she drops them onto the counter, and a timed beat later she places her hand on her chin and grins to herself. “I had taken this opportunity to educate myself on beings of the other world,” she says. “From the common dragon to the leshi, I’ve made sure to become familiar with a veritable legion of hellish beasts.”

Hanamaru smiles. “Got a new favorite?”

“No,” Yoshiko says. “Chimerae remain objectively superior, but if you’d like, I could share something about coeurls?”

Then Hanamaru indulges her, and they slip into old routine—storytelling after a finished collection of “forbidden tomes” and avid, eager listening.

Yoshiko was always a big person in many ways, but there was, apparently, something to be said about how good of an open ear Hanamaru was. At good parts her eyes lit up, at dull ones her shoulders would sink, her lip would curl when she had something smart to say, and there were some things, important things, that she would remember with her heart. It took a while to understand them, but those were things she never forgot, and somehow she remembered more about Yoshiko than Yoshiko did about herself.

And Hanamaru, in turn, didn’t know these things about herself, until Yoshiko came up to her one afternoon and told her that it was how she fell in love.

“We’re sorry we couldn’t cure you,” Dia tells her, leaning on the tea table of her house’s living room. “And sorry for… what happened afterwards.”

Hanamaru nods. They’re all sorry and all disappointed, but she honestly couldn’t ask for more than the kindness of the Kurosawa sisters with her issue. As confidants they were beyond trustworthy, and they took such huge risks for the sake of saving Hanamaru that it seemed unthinkable.

But as saintly as they were, they weren’t looking to be martyrs. By now they must’ve figured Hanamaru wasn’t worth the danger. Dia doesn’t look at her the way she used to.

“I’m afraid this is as far as we can go,” she continues. “We can’t afford to take any more risks. To ourselves or otherwise.”

“I understand,” Hanamaru says. “That’s how things gotta be sometimes, I guess. I’ll try to do things the way I was doing them before, then.”

“For now, that might be for the best.” Dia straightens up and bows, a little off-balance. “Again, we’re sorry for our shortcomings. We wish you the best, Hanamaru-san.” Then she walks away.

Hanamaru stays the ‘Thank you’ the end of her tongue in hopes that Dia won’t close the door on her, and she’ll turn around and say she has one more idea, another last chance for Hanamaru.

Dia doesn’t, of course, so Hanamaru goes home kicking herself over her ingratitude.

The ocean at night is cold enough to kill during the later weeks of fall. Hanamaru has to hide away in the thick of the wood again until sunset, and wait for the moon to stir the wolf awake.

And when it wakes, she suffers through the change again—snapping joints and tearing muscle, her jaw cracks to make room for rows of new fangs and jagged teeth, and the stretching her spine has to do to reach the height of the beast rips the feeling away from her limbs as it snaps in place, its revolting crackles muffled by flesh and rustling leaves. New eyes, muscle, bones, new skin, a new stomach that almost asks more for blood than meat.

The wood she hides in isn’t as dark in this form, and the smell of the sea mixing with the thick and teeming vegetation is so much crisper she can practically taste it. Though her mind is hazy with the aftershocks of pain, the world is so much more vivid. It’s always a shame she can’t experience it as she likes.

Her nose picks up strangers a short distance away, behind her, but she insists on running forward, to the ocean. Only then can she bear the sharp cold of the water.

She dives to hunt, because the wolf has to eat, or she can’t turn back. Somehow with just the scant light of the moon she hunts down a few dozens of fish that escaped the nets of the boats in the distance, and bites them whole, even if it takes hour upon tiring hour to eat her fill and the icy water mats her fur and weighs it down. It’s an ordeal, and she hates the feeling of grinding little fish bones and skulls between her teeth most of all, but compared to the real human lives she’d cost otherwise, it’s a bargain.

By the time she’s finished and dripping seawater back on land, the moon hangs high in the sky. Her body breaks back down to human size, her own, real skin, which prickles and almost stings at how cold it is.

Hanamaru digs through a specific patch of undergrowth for the dark canvas bag holding her change clothes, which she throws on as quickly and quietly as she can manage. It’s just her boots and the jacket left when she notices shadows moving.

The light is from behind her. She turns, a dangerous ache bristling in her jaw again, and then recoils at the sight of Yoshiko.

“Zuramaru?” Hanamaru can’t dare to look at her, but leaves crunch underfoot as Yoshiko approaches. She’s so close that Yoshiko has to turn her flashlight away from the both of them so Hanamaru doesn’t get blinded. There’s a firm, anxious hand on Hanamaru’s arm. “Zuramaru, it is you! What are you doing here—why is your hair so wet?”

There’s nothing but concern in her voice. Hanamaru knows she sees the bag and probably smells the blood and the ocean from her person, because Yoshiko is too keen around her. She wants to run, but her body just refuses to move.

So Yoshiko does. Amid all the warning signs blaring in her mind and fogging her thought, she can still hear a zipping sound. Somehow Hanamaru doesn’t resist putting her arms through the sleeves when Yoshiko holds her coat up for her, and she finds the warmth and weight so comforting she wishes she could just fall asleep already.

"Okay," Yoshiko says as she zips the front up for her, "you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but geez you're going to catch a cold... Ah, here, my scarf, it'll catch the water from your hair."

Yoshiko wraps it around Hanamaru's neck and shoulders so gingerly, like she has no clue what Hanamaru is or what she's done, at all. And then she has the audacity to wrap Hanamaru in a hug, where she's sure her face is pressed against sea-soaked, freezing cold hair.

What's wrong with her?

There's some warmth tickling her ear from Yoshiko's breath when she asks, "Hanamaru, are you okay? Can you at least tell me that?"

Hanamaru stays in Yoshiko's hold for just a little while longer, trying to keep from tearing up. "Yeah," she mutters eventually. "I'm fine, Yoshiko-chan. Just soaked."

Yoshiko squeezes Hanamaru one more time. "Okay. Let's get you home? You live in the temple nearby, right?"

Hanamaru nods into her shoulder, and Yoshiko pulls back, takes her hand, and leads them both off.

The path they take is nearly void of any other passersby, which Hanamaru appreciates of Yoshiko, but it’s also void of any conversation until after the woods and the short trail, when the guest entrance comes into view.

“You’ll be alright here?” Yoshiko says, squeezing Hanamaru’s hand. It breaks her out of a daze.

“Yeah,” Hanamaru says. “Yeah, it’s… warmer at home.”

“Good.”

They reach the doorstep and let go. Hanamaru takes her first steps inside, then makes to take Yoshiko’s scarf off when her hands stop.

“Will you want these back?” she asks. On her mind is how it’s soaked and probably smells strange, so she hopes Yoshiko says no.

“Ah, you can keep them for now,” Yoshiko says, probably forcing that grin on her face, “to wash and all, heh. I mean, that’s how courtesy goes, isn’t it? Er…”

“But then what about you, Yoshiko-chan?” Hanamaru asks. “You live far away, don’t you? How will you go back by yourself like that?”

Yoshiko shrugs. “Exams are coming up soon. I’d have gotten a cold anyway. But you…”

She’s looking at her like that again. It’s hard to see because the temple is dark and moonlight can’t break between leaves easily, but Hanamaru has always been able to feel it.

“Nothing,” Yoshiko says, turning around. “Take care of yourself, okay? I’ll see you soon.”

In lieu of saying goodbye, Hanamaru just watches Yoshiko walk away.

When she curls up in her futon, she remembers the look she gave her. Hanamaru knows what it means. ‘What’s going on with you?’ ‘Are you really alright?’ ‘Please let me help you.’

She hates it. She’s terrified of it. She wants Yoshiko to give up on her.

It’s not what she tells her when she sees her again at school and gives her clothes back, but it’s all she can manage.

“Don’t go there again,” Hanamaru says.

Yoshiko’s demeanor takes on a rare kind of gravity. It’s good that Hanamaru had the foresight to confront her after class. The room is empty aside from them and the sun sets early today, coloring everything red-orange. There’s dormant heat in the air, or maybe just in Hanamaru’s ever-eager imagination, but either way she’s glad no one is around to interfere.

“Why not?” Yoshiko says, standing up. “You don’t even know what I was doing there.”

“It doesn’t matter what you were doing there,” Hanamaru says. “You can’t go back. It’s for your own good.”

“My own good? Then what about you, Hanamaru?” Oh no. “Why were you out there, by yourself, half frozen to death? I worried about you every night after that!”

“Then stop worrying about me!” Hanamaru speaks louder to match, which makes her all kinds of uncomfortable, because it’s just not like her at all. “There’s nothing about me to worry about. Please, worry about yourself, Yoshiko-chan.”

“Nothing about you—that’s bullshit, how can you tell me to do that when you know how I feel about you? After I saw that? “

“That was nothing! Why won’t you ever just listen to me?”

Yoshiko’s hands hit her desk. “You never tell me anything! I know you need your privacy, but this? You could be in danger!”

Hanamaru grabs Yoshiko’s shoulders and looks her in the eyes. “You’ll be the one in danger, Yoshiko-chan! And you know why, so stop pretending you’re doing this to keep me safe. You can’t help me.”

Now, frozen under Hanamaru’s stare, Yoshiko can’t say anything. They don’t move, they don’t break eye contact, they’re not even sure they’re breathing, but slowly, maybe because she sees Hanamaru’s eyes welling up, the tension leaves Yoshiko’s shoulders.

“And if I told you I could,” she says quietly and unsurely, unlike herself, “would you let me?”

Hanamaru is exhausted. She lets her arms fall to her sides. “People have tried. Just stay away from me, Yoshiko-chan.”

But Yoshiko never listens.

She’s always been a little bit peculiar. Naturally rebellious to the norm. Midnight candle rituals, standing on the school rooftop on the coldest, rainiest days, downing hot sauce like candy syrup—the more absurd it seemed to be, the more likely Yoshiko was to do it.

Hanamaru finds this bold, eccentric spontaneity attractive in a way. So much so that she feared she might’ve even fallen in love with her because of it.

She still fears she loves Yoshiko, especially now that Yoshiko stands before Hanamaru with only a spray of blue flowers in her hand and a heartbeat loud enough for Hanamaru to hear even from ten paces away, over the rustle of leaves.

Hanamaru’s ears can only hear something like that through bones, muscle and skin because it’s something that she seeks out, along with Yoshiko’s shallow breathing, wide eyes, her cold sweat and trembling fingers…

But her heartbeat, drumming in her ears louder than rolls of thunder, is euphonious.

thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump

The thick coat Yoshiko wears is something Hanamaru comes to dislike almost immediately. It’s rough, and dry, and would just spoil her taste.

Her claws seem to bare themselves at it. And her teeth. Her fur bristles too, and something low rumbles from her throat.

But she does her damned best not to move, and hopes to everything she can think in her limited lucidity that Yoshiko finds a way to run where Hanamaru can’t get to her.

Naturally, Yoshiko does the exact opposite. She takes a step forward, holds the flowers out to Hanamaru, and shouts something Hanamaru can hear perfectly but not understand. She recognizes her name, “Hanamaru,” but the rest of it is just loud, maybe angry, and she takes it as a taunt.

It’s weak bait, but encouragement is encouragement, and Hanamaru is hungry. She pounces, and when she tastes blood, the last flimsy sliver of humanity slips out of her conscience.

And when it comes back, not too long later, it’s because she eats something wrong and horribly bitter. Her insides are burning, her throat feels raw, she can’t breathe, and her limbs feel like they’re being torn apart from the inside out.

When Hanamaru comes to next, there’s something that tastes like dirt in her mouth, and the stench of blood is so strong she physically flinches and digs her face into the warm mass underneath her.

It shifts, and coughs, and… holds Hanamaru tighter?

Yoshiko.

The blood.

Yoshiko.

Hanamaru shoves herself up. “Yoshiko-chan!”

It is Yoshiko beneath her, pale, bleeding from deep, frightening wounds around her right arm. Only the stems of the flowers in her hand remain, and her fingers only seem to curl around them from the cold now that her gloves are torn, but she’s breathing.

Then she coughs. “Zuramaru,” Yoshiko says weakly. “Hi. You’re back.”

Hanamaru sees Yoshiko’s mouth warped in a grimace for her, and she has so many things to say that she can’t speak at all, so she just crumples into Yoshiko’s chest and tries not to let her crying break into full sobs.

In these minutes she realizes she’s wearing a coat with end of the right sleeve torn and stained black, and between that, Yoshiko’s wounds, and the flowers being missing, Hanamaru pieces together what must’ve happened.

And despite what she’s done, what kind of pain she might’ve inflicted on Yoshiko, at that moment she can’t feel anything but selfish gratitude and relief because this time, this time, no one’s dead.

The thought echoes in her head for long moments after that, as Hanamaru, still dazed from everything, lets herself a minute of rest. With her ear pressed into Yoshiko’s chest, Hanamaru finds her heartbeat again. It’s calmer this time.

Thump-thump.

Thump-thump.

Thump. Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Yoshiko gasps hoarsely, and Hanamaru jolts up. “Yoshiko-chan?”

Yoshiko’s eyes are unfocused, but she manages to shove her phone into Hanamaru’s hand. The screen is lit, displaying the emergency contact number for the nearest hospital.

“Maru, listen,” Yoshiko says, out of breath and voice trembling. “Wolfsbane poison gets into wounds. Hurry.”

Her arms go limp, she starts coughing, and Hanamaru, as she sees this, wastes not an instant calling the hospital and telling them what she knows, as fast as she can.

If she’d really gotten better, if the wolf is really gone, she can’t let Yoshiko’s be the life it takes with it.

The paramedics have the courtesy to only ask Hanamaru about Yoshiko, and outside asking if she needs medical attention, too, the only effort they direct to her goes into words of reassurance. They can save Yoshiko.

They can save Yoshiko.

They save Yoshiko.

Days pass, then a week, then two. Since staying was too expensive, Yoshiko and her family decided to just move her home after several days passed and her condition stabilized enough. She hadn’t come to school since.

As far as their classmates knew, the most of Hanamaru’s involvement about Yoshiko’s “accident” was that she was just the first among them to find out. It was a piece of information they made and agreed upon by themselves, and Hanamaru made no effort to make them think anything otherwise.

She did volunteer to be the one to bring notes over, though, even if Yoshiko lived so far away from her own home.

Hanamaru knocks on the door to Yoshiko’s apartment, and steps in once Yoshiko voices her acknowledgement.

“Hey Zuramaru,” she says, eyes glued to her television screen. “You forgot about the bell again?” Even when part of her forearm and wrist is covered in medical wrap, she doesn’t seem to have much trouble with her game controllers. Good to know her hand wasn’t too impaired.

After shutting the door behind her, Hanamaru places a notebook at the foot of Yoshiko’s bed, and sits down next to her on the floor. “I think I like knocking better, anyway.”

Yoshiko hums. Hanamaru’s only seen her play a handful of times, but she can gather from watching that the next thing Yoshiko does is find a place to save before exiting the game and lowering the controller to her lap, where her stare lingers for a while.

“So…” she says, drawing the word out. “How about it?”

Hanamaru’s brow tightens. “Yeah. I think I’m ready to talk.”

“Okay. Uh…”

“First of all,” Hanamaru continues, hunching over a little, like the words are that heavy. “Never do something like that again, hear me? Especially not without telling me first.”

Yoshiko flinches. “H-Hey, in my defense, you would never have said yes—“

“Of course not! Handling poison, showing yourself in front of a-a werewolf, it’d be like asking you to die for me!”

“But it worked, and I didn’t, and nothing like that’s ever going to happen again!”

Hanamaru looks up. “That’s not the point, Yoshiko-chan. I know what you did worked, and I’m better now, and nothing like that’s ever going to happen to either of us again, but you scared me!” She pauses, glancing at Yoshiko’s dazed expression and back away, and then she takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I was terrified, okay? You came so close to dying so many times because of me. I don’t know how I’d handle letting that happen to someone I feel like this about.”

Her voice got quieter and quieter until she finished, and Yoshiko let the silence remain. Until one of them found it in themselves to speak again she moved to find the fist Hanamaru buried on her lap and wrap her fingers over it.

Then she squeezed it gently and said, “I’m sorry. For scaring you, I mean. Really reckless of me.”

“It’s okay,” Hanamaru says. “I think. It’s over now, after all.”

Yoshiko nods. “Yeah.”

“…And besides,” Hanamaru says, “it’s still kinda my job to keep you from doing dumb things like that.”

There’s a pause were Hanamaru glances back at Yoshiko again, shooting her a sort of half-smile. Yoshiko sees, returns it, and playfully bumps her elbow on her. “No kidding. I’d just be a mess without you around.”

“Oh, I doubt it’s anything like that. You’re such a veritable force of chaos that sometimes I feel like a buzz in your ear.”

Yoshiko chuckles darkly. “’Force of chaos,’ you say? I find that a high praise, even from a being of such holy light as yours.”

“Shut up, Yoshiko-chan.”

“Ah, the scorn of heaven—a most familiar burn.”

“Oh, shut up.”

Hanamaru shoves Yoshiko by her head, earning them both a faint chuckle, and Yoshiko shoves Hanamaru back a bit herself before deciding to lean on her.

“But seriously,” Yoshiko says. “That aside, I think I should start listening to you more often. You’re smarter about me than I am.”

“Maybe,” Hanamaru says. “And actually, even if I’m not a werewolf anymore… I don’t know, it doesn’t feel over.”

“What do you mean?”

Hanamaru wrings her hands. “They weren’t so many, but there were people that I… so…”

“It wasn’t you,” Yoshiko says.

“We can’t say it was anyone else,” Hanamaru says. “It’s all on me, Yoshiko-chan.”

Yoshiko looks away, to a corner of the room, and frowns. “So you say,” she mumbles. “I don’t know how that must feel for you, as usual for me, but at least this time you don’t have to deal with it on your own.” She shifts somehow closer. “There’s time for us to figure this out.”

Her words take time to sink in, but Hanamaru feels Yoshiko’s right. She nods, and Yoshiko smiles.

“So, anything else?” Yoshiko says.

“No,” Hanamaru answers. “I’m taking this a bit at a time. I’m not good at jumping into things all at once like you are.”

“Oh, guess it’s my turn, then!” With a sudden little burst of energy, Yoshiko sits up and spins around so that Hanamaru can see her smirk clear as day. “What’s this earlier about ‘someone I feel like this about,’ eh, Zuramaru? Feel like what?”

And seeing Yoshiko’s smirk, Hanamaru feels light, for the first time in a long while. “Yoshiko-chan, I think you’re just a little nasty, you know that?”

“Aw, what?”

Hanamaru can be honest now. There’s no reason for her to fear herself or how she feels.

So she tells Yoshiko the truth.