#like idk it’s hard to find these when so much of the market is literary fiction (more depressing and dense than I would like generally)

[sofia-not-sophie]

Anyone got a good place online that you can catalogue search books like ao3?

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

ask thing 👀👀👀 how aboutttt 3, 5, 22?

HI HELLO <3 thanks for sending !!!!!! we are in very different fandoms now, but i followed bc i used to be a crazy malora stan and your fics were like Formative for me lol, i respect you a lot as a writer. i've read some of your non-malora stuff, even though i'm not really that involved in other fandoms you wrote for, and i thought they were amazing tbh, i just enjoy your writing a lot! it's like a fun mix between a really elevated writing style you'd find in like real literary classics haha and some very like Modern Choices, which absolutely Sends Me, i love it. at least that's how i view your style, i might be wrong about this haha ! (also -- new disaster???? had me wheezing and wailing, also some wentworth fics you wrote were like chef's kiss. i also loved the orpheus/eurydice thing !!!!!! -- i don't have to mention all your malora stuff has me in a chokehold lol and will continue to have me in a chokehold for as long as i live)

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

it has to be either my ruin tastes so sweet or when the last restraint is gone -- i think both of those really pushed me out of my comfort zone! in when the last restraint is gone i tried my best to like stick to what is true to the period in terms of how the characters act, what they know about the world, how they might perceive a lesbian relationship, also i really pushed myself and experimented with the smutty scenes! i also tried to incorporate a couple of poems (goblin market by christina rossetti in particular) in the actual smut + the entire work as like an overarching theme of sorts. it's by no means perfect, and i still have a chapter or two to go to conclude the entire thing, but it's MY schmeksy victorian fantasy. may or may not be heavily inspired by tipping the velvet by sarah waters which i was Obsessed with when i was 14 it was very formative lol. so this fic will always have a special place in my heart! it's my lil indulgent thing that i put a lot of effort into!

the other thing i kinda have to mention is my ruin tastes so sweet -- it's a lil lucifer one shot (gwendoline christie's lucifer has me on my fucking knees aksdjfhgfgkds like if you didn't watch the sandman and don't intend to, just like watch her scenes, it's VERY well spent 15 mins of your life i guarantee it dsajfhfda). i am rather proud of that one, and i think it could be read as a standalone thing even if you know nothing about the sandman! i am also planning a new chapter for that one (or maybe a couple stay tuned to see heheheheheh), i wanna explore what it means to fall as an angel a bit more!

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

ooooof, that's a hard one. i am sorta in the mindset of i'll at least *try it*, even if i don't think i'll do a great job of it or if i think it might be a silly idea no one would be interested in! so there isn't a lot that i'd think of and then Not Write, i'd at least give it a shot! i am writing a REALLY weird jan stevens fic, idk how it will land, but i am honestly having so much fun!

22. Do you know how your fic will end before you start writing?

usually no! i have like a couple of Directions i am considering going in, i am not like totally Clueless ahahah, but i let the story sorta guide me as i write it! i only have a sort of a set ending in mind for my ruin tastes so sweet right now (and i also usually have set endings for one shots -- for longer things i just sorta let the fates decide ahahha).

thanks for sending me the askssssss <33333

[belle-keys]

Reflections: How we are Tessa, and the purpose of GOTSM (meta)

Cassandra Clare said in her latest IG live that the reason the epilogue of Clockwork Princess is forever beautiful but bittersweet is not because we know that the characters, save Jem and Tessa, die. It’s because we know that there will always be people who have to deal with their loss too and live on: a bittersweet concept, seeing someone die and having it remind you of how beautifully they lived. Think of the shared vision Will and Jem had in Learn About Loss when they went to Shanghai - Jem thinks of the fact that Will is about to die soon, but yet Will’s memory is constantly associated with the emotions he suscited as he lived. That’s overwhelming, beautiful, and sorrowful all at once.

There are those of us who have to go on living knowing these characters’ stories, now immortalized in memory- that’s the reader, but it’s also Tessa.

It was easier to die protecting the people you loved than to watch them die in your stead. What horrific choices mortality had to offer.

Tessa lives on through the century and the different stories of all the characters. She’s the chronological inception of the five families’ stories: the Herondales, the Fairchilds, the Carstairs, the Lightwoods and the Blackthorns. She does not die when Will does, nor when her children do. She lives a beautiful life but it’s still a pain to bear her own existence and bear the knowledge of the stories of all the people that she has known and loved over time. Furthermore, their stories live on in her, with her, through her.

Likewise, the stories of the characters live on in us. We as readers in the real world hold the stories we read in books in our minds and hearts dear as we go on with life, and we feel incredibly sad when our favorite characters die. That is the fundamental en-soi of stories: for them to be read and for them to touch our hearts.

The lives of all the characters and all the decades that Tessa has lived, the passage of time, are a literary symbol for the worlds that readers live in when they read books. She has to see what has occurred yet move on and keep living despite her attachment. Thus, Tessa is a stand-in for the reader as she lives on perusing time yet holds these stories dear too. This is incredibly incredibly meta to a level that has me like yooo. She is a living commentary on the relationship between readers and fiction. Moreover, Tessa herself is a reader and finds solace in stories meaning that her meta-ness is twofold. (This has links to the meta-commentary on literature in TID and TLH.)

“It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them.”

Now, this is why Ghosts of the Shadow Market feels like an opened wound. (Yes, Jem has been immortal too but now he’s human again, so I won’t put him in the same category as Tessa. Magnus, while we’re here, is objectively not the main character and most of what I’m saying is in fact applicable to him, but in terms of the main plot of the series, Tessa is more relevant.) Clockwork Princess is designed to be read either directly before or after City of Heavenly Fire. In this way, as soon as the reader learns Jem is shipped off to be a Silent Brother and has to battle the beast of time, he immediately gets saved from our perspective based on the way the books were released. We didn’t have to live all the years between 1880 to 2008 and live Jem’s life (or Tessa’s). We learned about The Jem Situation but then we got the outcome quite quickly in terms of the books’ publication order - we didn’t have to wait in suspense for too long to hear Jace’s heavenly fire saved Jem eventually.

Nonetheless, Ghosts of the Shadow Market does in fact give us all the hard parts of immortality: experience. It doesn’t in any means mitigate the value of TID or TMI, yet develops the story of an incredibly important character. If anything at all feels like a sequel to TID, it ain’t TLH, it’s Ghosts of the Shadow Market. We get Jem’s adventures but also his emotions. These stories in GOTSM break that sacred unspoken “happy ending” rule where we now have see the reality of what living is like: we don’t get that “running into the sunset, happily ever after” feeling. Instead, we grieve with Jem and Tessa, we mourn Will, we feel hope like Jem does and it’s all quite overwhelming given how much Jem feels. Yet this pain is again another example of meta-commentary on what time is like and what experiencing stories entails: it’s angst, but to a beautiful end. We get another bittersweet ending at the end of GOTSM: Jem and Tessa finally have their moment, a marriage and a family after 150 years and thus, all of Jem’s pain and living is finally comes to fruition: he is happy with his love. The 150 year old story that began in Clockwork Angel gets a new conclusion. Another layer to the conclusion that the epilogue of Clockwork Princess gave us, and we truly feel like we lived through those 150 years with Jem as he goes through many pivotal changes in his emotional arc. It reminds us that the Herongraystairs story is immortal. Hence, the payoff is amazing as we get to see Jessa thrive, just like got to see Wessa thrive in TLH. Talk about equality amirite.

“There will be no separation between us. Where you are, I am. Where we are, Will is.”

The meaning is twofold here too: Will’s spirit lives on as Jem and Tessa live, and Will Herondale the literary character lives as long as readers keep reading and remembering how he touched them. Again, the en-soi of books is reiterated too: books live on only when they touch us, and thus memorable stories always have more value on a wider scale in the literary canon. In fact, there’s an even bigger meta value of TSC in this regard, and it’s the way Cassie plays hommage to classic literature, classics, art, and religion and makes meta commentary on art and literature but that is a whole ass essay by itself lmfao (spoiler, but my thesis would be that the meta value of these motifs helps render the classic lit canon relevant yet simple among young people or some shit like that idk).

But anyway, all this to say that we see the story the way Tessa sees it. In the Romance Languages, “history” and “story” are the exact same word, and TSC effectively explores the phenomenon that makes the two one and the same using narration as it concerns the human experience. All of this has great significance as it reiterates the role of literature in our lives and the use of chronological structuring to develop such an extensive story.

[fandomcolourofmyskin]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you realize that this show is explicitly about the poor, Midwestern white male experience? They lack privilege on multiple levels which the show explores (sa m the janitor, Dean the grunt), and all of the queer issues stem almost directly from the poor white male's low level of self determination/ agency or the perception thereof I'm a poor whitish person from a similar area, and it feels unique to see a poor white show that isn't Roseanne.

Hi nonnie,

I have a lot of things to say in response to your message — which does display ignorance of societal organization across systemic racial lines — but without creating a huge extensive post, here are some crucial points to consider:

- The “poor Midwestern white male experience” does NOT discount the insulated bubble of white privilege that Sam and Dean Winchester occupy, and neither is Supernatural immune from racist narratives and/or racist character implementation (especially ‘cause SPN has predominantly white production crew/writers around the table. Again, any literary narrative or script they conceive can and most likely will be influenced by internalized unconscious white dominance —> white-painted narratives perceived by POC viewers. I mean, scour this blog/google ‘Supernatural and racism’ and you’ll get the picture.)

- Additionally, stating that the show is “explicitly about” the poor Midwestern white male experience is false. Yes, you’re a poor white person from a similar area, and so you believe that, as a white person, the show’s premise reflects your experience. However, your statement doesn’t represent reality. The racial blind spot here is: media consumption by (realities of) white people will not equate to media consumption by (realities of) POC.

As I said here, we cannot talk about other systemic forces like socioeconomic class without addressing race. Race is inherently interweaved into other structural dimensions. It’s why BIPOC (Black Indigenous POC) + POC are: statistically paid less than white employees, unequally treated in terms of job capability, encounter unconscious bias across the hiring market, struggle to find jobs, unable to afford three-story suburban houses, and can never seem to find favour no matter how hard we work.

Reni Eddo-Lodge reiterates what white privilege is. When we say ‘white privilege’, we aren’t referring to white people always having it easy, or living in the lap of material wealth (but economic race disparities are instrinsically linked to material wealth), or lacking suffering, or living in poverty.

White privilege: the unearned set of societal benefits, advantages, and positive attitudes/behaviours bestowed upon white people solely because they are white (because of the pale/white colour of their skin). Claiming that Sam and Dean “lack privilege on multiple levels” perpetuates the continuous erasure of the POC reality, as well as intersectional BI+POC realities (being PoC, queer, and disabled, etc). What’s our reality? We actually lack privilege on multiple levels because of the colour of our skin. Your claim could imply that white privilege isn’t a thing, but it is. Think of white privilege as the air we breathe: it’s there, and we’re surrounded by it, and we breathe it in, yet because air is mostly invisible, some people aren’t always aware of it until you tell ‘em “Hey dude, did you know you’re inhaling oxygen?” The answer would be: “Obviously. Idk why you’re pointing that out - I already know that. You saying I’m dumb?” (lol not too far off from white defensiveness, right?) White people are so used to their privilege that they feel weird, ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘unsafe’ once people of colour point out their privilege. They subconsciously (and consciously) refuse to lose their place at the top. They’ll be offended.

To address your message, specifically — Sam and Dean hold white privilege as white men despite being poor. This is an uncomfortable fact that white SPN audiences must acknowledge.

If translated into real life, Sam and Dean will walk inside a bar and not be suspected of crime at first glance. They won’t look suspicious. They won’t get physically assaulted, shot at, killed, and/or lynched, both by police and fellow white men. They can speak, eat, and behave however they please without getting kicked out. They’ll chase after people they wanna bang or make inappropriate moves without being accused of sexual harrassment; BI+POC are typically falsely accused. (*Bonus Salt incoming* Sam and Dean won’t die permanently on their own show. The BI+PoC allies they have are often killed off to forward their plot and channel white manpain, then embody racist narrative tropes. As an Asian, Kevin Tran’s Stereotypical-Asian presence upset me, and his death further hurt my sensibilities. It did not shock me at all to see yet another Asian character killed off. Again, I must mention the horrible Asian-fetishist-exotificating Busty Asian Beauties, as well. Heck, S8 episode title “What’s Up Tiger Mommy?” was blatantly racist that I can’t believe no one demanded they change the episode premise + Kevin and Linda Tran’s characterizations. JUST KIDDING, of course I know why no one emphasized the issue - there are barely any BI+PoC in the writer’s room. This is why hiring us must become important).

Unfortunately - and unlike your opinion - Supernatural is not “unique” for us BI+PoC fans. It’s a show manned by predominantly white cast/crew that centralizes two white men and their respective narrow realities. We don’t live in a bubble. We’re everywhere. Depict us properly, with cultural/racial sensitivity, in entertainment, media, art forms, and more. Acknowledge our lack of privilege on multiple levels.

We live within a society set up for people of colour to fail. Whiteness is the default, and the privilege intrinsically linked to that ensconces an entire array of political, social, cultural and economic structures advantaging white people while disadvantaging People of Colour.

You’re a poor white person. I’m not, and the likelihood of the white poor person being given an opportunity to escape poverty is statistically MUCH, MUCH higher than the likelihood of poor POC to escape poverty.

[bisluthq]

you have been giving bad vibes lately tbh, like ily and you’re the only blog i’ve got notifications in snd check everyday, and i live that you call out antisemitism and homophobia (i’ve messaged you private stuff too and you’ve been totally lovely too, like ily!!!) but some of the stuff you do it questionable, and idk if it’s just because it’s online, but you always talk about how hot women are when discussing them, even when it’s not relevant, and call them bitches and stuff, and i saw some people call you out for misogyny and you never really took it as valid criticism, but you kinda talk about women like a shitty 17 year old boy tbh, it’s just weird, and the going after a hardly 18year old too instead of just ignoring those messages, it’s all just a bit iffy to me, nothing major and you’re definitely not TTB (it’s disgusting to even suggest that, that woman is so fucking disgusting!) but just some things that you should maybe not brush off as people just being pressed, as you say you’re a human being who will fuck up, but it’s nice to acknowledge that and understand why people say it, rather than just thinking people are haters and what not

Hey, this feels like it’s in good faith but I would very much like a chance to respond to some of your points (again in good faith). Like I hear you but I am not sure I agree with you and here’s why:

1) the criticism that I thirst over women or behave like a “teenage boy” is entangled in respectability politics, slut shaming, homophobia and patriarchal standards. Nobody pearl clutches over anons going off about Dino Dick (except people who’re like “wow these anons are wild” and like fair enough). Harmless thirsting over public figures is absolutely normal and not something to feel ashamed for. It’s okay to discuss sex and how horny shit makes you. It isn’t a bad thing at all.

2) “bitches” is used by me as slang. I have called people “motherfuckers” etc as well, it is 100% used in a general slang way and not in a way intended to be derogatory.

3) I don’t think it’s fair to say I’m “going after” Olivia. I said she’s very talented, very ambitious, has some boppy songs, and is insanely good at marketing herself (and performing! Her SNL slammed and that’s SUCH A HARD STAGE TO PERFORM ON). Saying her songs are thematically similar as a marketing choice and she’s copy pasting Taylor’s ideas isn’t going after her. Also, there is a huge power imbalance here and it’s... in Olivia’s favor. Olivia has the backing of UMG and Disney. My saying “she’s contrived in her public persona and good for her hope she makes it since that’s clearly what she wants” isn’t an ad hominem attack on a random teenage girl.

4) I don’t think people are “just haters” but you need to understand that I’ve had a LOT of antisemitic remarks in my ask in the last bit and obviously that’s affected my mood and general vibe. It lowkey sucks. And I do think people willfully and sometimes like obstinately misread what I am saying and take my words out of context or obfuscate what I was saying which, yes, is frustrating.

So like yeah I’m not perfect and yeah I do hear people if they come with valid criticism of me and if people point out stuff I said that’s problematic I take it on board. “Bitches” is offensive to some but is also a linguistic choice. I will think about that one because it doesn’t bother me but I don’t need to be offending people y’know.

The respectability politics stuff is a bit bullshit though. Like I say you can’t just cry misogyny at people thinking people are hot and tbh on that same note at some of the times I’ve been called a misogynist. I have expressly called Harry Styles a himbo, I have roasted him for having Camille teach him to read, and butchering her favorite wanky book for his pussy song. I’ve also like.... not expected Harry to give good critical analysis of a wanky post apocalyptic nightmare novel. Which is a very similar criticism to what I’ve leveled at Madison. Yeah, they’re talented musicians. Yeah, they’re hot. No, don’t expect them to give you a good take on some literary topic that’s kinda unfair to them. Just let them be hot and talented.

I’ve also said that Harry’s hyperconfessionalism on Fine Line annoyed me and I’ve said I can’t stand Ed’s music because it’s like the exact same topic on all of them.

Nobody has been like, “WOW YOU HATE HARRY! WOW YOU ARE A MISANDRIST!”

Because those criticisms have nothing to do with the identity of the people.

One can criticize women for things they’ve said and done and also just.... things you find annoying.... and that doesn’t mean you hate women.

And it does feel unfair that that gets leveled at me a bunch because I really don’t think it’s true at all. I think this is a deeply and inherently feminist space. And yes we thirst in it, which is fine, and yes we don’t act like women are somehow immune to criticism. That doesn’t make us sexist. It’d be worse to be acting like somehow being a woman makes people immune from discourse or needing to be held to a different - presumably lower - standard. Like that’s be fucked up.

Hope this makes sense and let me know if you have any further thoughts or comments. I’ll think about the “bitches” thing.

[bottlecaprabbitgames]

Hi there! I've been into writing for as long as I can remember and I think I'm ready to try and become an author! I have a couple questions, if that's okay? Is the self-published route really a respectable way for a first-time author to go? And can I presale my books if they are self-published? Thank you! :)

I can answer this one based on a chat me and the said friend had only two nights ago! (at 1 AM lmao)

Short version:

Publishing through a big company:

Less pay (3-7% of your books gross earnings, which is like 60 cents on a $20 sale)

Your rights to your book will be murky, as once you've signed on with a company you can't take that back; I'm not entirely sure, but I think they can give your rights to movie production teams or other media things without your approval.

You have to work on a deadline. And if you don't meet it... well, I don't imagine it's a good thing if you don't meet it.

Your life is no longer yours! You have a LOT to do, and the company you signed with pretty much runs your life for however long to do book tours and book signings and whatnot.

If you check out the Hannibal Lecter book series issues with Red Dragon, you'll learn that that can also happen to you, and there isn't much you can do about it.

It can take you 10-20 years to ever get accepted. If you get accepted. Less than 1,000 manuscripts sent to literary agents get seen, and less than half of those make it to the companies to look at for approval.

Self-publishing:

There is never any guarantee that your book will take off, either by being published or self-publishing, but at least with self-publishing you can control marketing as you do it yourself!

You work on your own schedule. You make your deadlines. Whether that's an advantage or disadvantage depends on the person.

If you self-publish, you get far more of your earnings (usually 30-35% of your gross sales, which is about $7 on a $20 book).

You have to do all the marketing, E-book file conversions, or whatever you do for physical book sales on your own (or you can hire people to do it/to help). You also have to get the cover art and such on your own.

Long version:

So, uhhh... look, it's a unicorn road to get published by an actual company. It takes people an average of 10-15 YEARS to get their first book published. And then you're getting dragged through the mud because once you've been signed on? Your life becomes theirs to do what they will with it. They get to decide your royalty rates (usually uhhh 3-7% is what you get from gross earnings. Please think about that.) They decide WHEN you get royalties, which can be only after you reach X amount of sales, after being published for x amount of time, or any number of things! You are also contractionally obligated to do book tours, which are a NIGHTMARE most of the time for first time authors. Also, you have to find a literary agent and iirc you have to pay them a fee just to look at your manuscript, which never guarantees ANYTHING. Then, if they like it, they have to pitch it to publishing companies. It can take years to find an agent who'll accept your work and years to get in with a company looking for your kind of book. The copyright to books is really obscure from what I've seen, I'm still not sure if you can take a series from one company to another or if you no longer own the rights to your book.

Now, let's look at self-publishing. Is there a guarantee you'll hit it big? No. There's not. BUT, that's something you can remedy if you learn to do marketing and pay for advertisements, which while it is time consuming and takes some money, it will generally help your sales! If you, say, publish on Amazon, I think you get 70-75% of your earnings (as Amazon takes 30-35% off of anything you sell for tax purposes) which uh... sounds a lot better than 3-7% for sales elsewhere. I mean, that's maybe 60 cents on a $20 book, while on Amazon you'd get ~$7 per sale. You also keep ALL rights to your work, you can do whatever you wish on your own time, and it's generally more author-friendly than going for a big company first.

Now, in my own honest opinion, I think it's smartest to self-publish first, learn about that world, then reach out to local publishing companies. It can be a little difficult to find them, but they're a better step forward before going big or going home with big companies. However, I don't know much about local companies as each differs, but you have to keep in mind that that'll only reach people in your area usually; some local companies also do online sales, but they tend to have smaller audiences than, say.... Idk, Scholastic. Little Brown n smth, the people who published Twilight. But audience sizes dont rly matter in the end; you could get with Scholastic and only sell a few hundred books, tops.

IN BASICS:

You should definitely look into the deeper crevaces that is the hell of becoming an author, but don't be discouraged!!! Look, I've seen self-publishing authors who make $300+ a day on books and $150,000 a year. And I mean the art was not good on the covers, nor were the titles bedazzling; I mean, some of them looked like a kid went wild with GIMP. But they sell and they can sell well.

No matter what path you take, you gotta really want it, I will be honest. It's a hard route and a hard road, but God, doesn't it seem so worth it? Sharing your words you so lovingly wrote with the world? 😭 Follow your dreams, friend!!! And don't be discouraged if you go with self-publishing and your book doesn't immediately take off; things take time! And good luck to you if you go the route of a local or big company!!!

OH ONE LAST THING: I think you can pre-sale with online stuff, but check support on big sites like Amazon and others!!!

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

12/16/19 9:24am - post emo karaoke, journey of a day alone talking to myself

I fucking love emo karaoke

I love going out and getting compliments and being called pretty. I love my bartender who cuts a few drinks off my tab because I sit outside and smoke cigs and talk with him.  I love people who ask if I’m in a band. I got invited to be in this couple’s band last night. Hope something happens with it lol. I love getting girls numbers even though I don’t really plan on hitting them up. I love boys complimenting my hair.

Last night was sweet. I keep not getting a full head to toe picture of my outfit which is annoying, but I have been getting filmed doing my songs every time. Maybe if I put enough on the internet someone will see me and think I deserve to be a singer like justin bieber lmfao. (shrug) I’m vain enough that I love watching myself. 

Got to hang with peter and his new gf susie. Hadn’t seen him in forever, that was sweet. Tried to bounce to Ruby afterward to make out with some non binary girl like last time I did emo karaoke but alas it was deader than dead. So I came back to the end of the emo show and ended up getting a ride home from some friends who gave me like 5 bags of milanos. fucking sweet.

I also flirted with the host of the event last night and asked her out and got her number but she’s emotionally unavailable unfortunately. And it seems like she’s very busy. But still gotta shoot that shot lmfao. 

This is my attempt to be productive. I’m sitting in bed naked. Well in a robe and slippers. Not watching the end of my anime though I might take a break soon. Trying to do as much productive shit as possible because I finally have a day to myself. It feels kinda nice, tbh. When you’re with someone all the time you don’t have a lot of time to just... sit. Kinda digging this idea of getting some space from jill a little more.

I’m gonna do a dumb arts and crafts project where I want to put some velour or fuzzy material on some socker boppers for bdsm cooldown I don’t know why but it’ll be funny.

Also I’m trying to research if silicone lube or oil based lube is better for long term butt plug wear but it’s hard to find the results I need.

Hm. Research is going well. Not on anything I ought to be looking into like my UXR but in general lol. Maybe I’ll check in later

______

9:58am 

fuck I wish I still had that fabri tac. I don’t want to buy a new $10 bottle just for one project that seems excessive. Found a good alternative for pretty cheap though, hopefully that’ll work. Socker boppers project is go lol.

accidentally unplugged my laptop and started working on some flogging skills for a bit. Can’t figure out the hand pattern for florentine though, this calls for some youtube videos.

Also I realized I should totally just ask my gay buddies and pet play buddies at slosh tonight what kind of lube I should try out next. duh. Of course they’ll know better than some dumb website trying to push a product.

Gotta tumble dry some laundry real quick to fold these pants up. laundry is neverending blegh. Maybe I should do this week’s just to get ahead of it before the holidays? meh.

I wonder if I’ll look back on this and be like “wow it’s really neat seeing some nice stream of consciousness writing. I like being able to put myself back in that state of mind and really remember what my life was like” or if I’ll be like “wow this is the pedantic scribblings of a narcissistic bore” lmfao. I guess only time will tell. Maybe I’ll get killed by Trump 2020 neonazis for being a polyamorous pansexual democrat and they’ll go back and read this like it was the diary of anne frank and this will all just be part of the precursor like how they included some of anne’s boy stories. Are diaries really of any literary merit other than documenting something of historical significance? loliunno

hm. I wanted to improve my eye makeup but there’s really not all that much that I found you could do with just eyeliner. I kinda wanna get some pretty eye shadows but I’m not sure if I should do that in person or not. I still wanna look like that pretty trans girl in Euphoria sometime. 

Decided I’d throw away these Nori Maki snacks that I have from hawaii still. They were best by like october but they’re like sealed and they’re just rice crackers lol. But mmm seaweed wrapped rice crackers coated in this soy sauce shit? Soy sauce is just one of the best flavors on the planet I think. Does soy sauce compete with like pesto and hoisin as one of my favorite sauces? You don’t really think of it as a contender but yknow when you have some GOOOD soy sauce and it slaps a little bit? Idk how they make it or if they even do make it but they have this stuff in a little container at grand asia market and it tastes so much better than kikkoman. Like it’s richer or something. Yum. 

Maybe I’m just hungry lol. Getting the diet back on track is like 50-50. On one hand I took a nice fast day on saturday just ate some nuts and stuff, got some brie and salami to take to work to go for some super light and non-expensive days. But on the other hand last night I got sick of salami and cheese cuz i was drunk and ate a cookout burger and fries. I ordered fries for myself for the first time in months, blegh. 

Okay too much nori maki this has gotta go lol kinda makes my stomach feel weird. But good idea for a vehicle for soy sauce flavor lol.  I kinda want like... soy sauce gum right now.

Lol that’s enough about soy sauce.

______ 10:25am

Damn. My new cheetah ears came in. but they’re not really cheetah ears. They’ve got that yellow with the dots, but they’re way too long and pointy. Kinda would make for a nice fennec outfit or something I suppose, but definitely not for my kitty needs. I think I might have gone too hard on my 2nd+3rd tail+ears, and now everything is just gonna look shitty in comparison. The curse of balling out is you’ve gotta keep up the lifestyle 😹 But no matter. People call my leopard print cheetah all the time anyway, it looks close enough. Plus snow leopards and cheetahs both have rounded ears anyway. Which is something most people on etsy don’t seem to get lol everyone just makes triangles all the damn time. 

So that’s a bust. I’m so happy I can just throw money at stupid shit and not care about it like this. I wonder how crazy I’m gonna go if I DO end up working at google. Me? With ACTUAL amounts of disposable income? OwO Damn maybe I should start actually working. Nahhh not yet.

Gotta play with some magic the gathering shit really quick lmao.

__________

1:27pm

uhhhh I just played a lot of magic the gathering. I got 15 wins so cool? got up to gold? Idk if I have the determination to go all the way to mythic this month. Or any month. I wonder if I’m fundamentally winning less games or if I’m just not as excited? My win rate couldn’t have been THAT sick, could it? I guess there was the streaks of playing RDW and mono green where I would win 7-0 in a half hour. Those were good days lol. 

Hrm. I’m gonna procrastinate by moisturizing my hands now. Watching this guy play a cool dimir control deck, I could get behind playing something like that.

I guess it’s like I’m not a pleb for magic anymore, so I don’t feel motivated to unlock the cards. But I’m not rich anymore either, and I can’t just play every single deck I want because I got lazy with it. I gotta just maintain and try to unlock all the cards next set and get ahead of the game again. 👌🏻👌🏻