#like i'm not even kidding i am making. so many Autism Noises

[zephsthings]

guys. @spaced-out-cosmos and i are seeing parx. and blink 182. and pierce the veil. and conan gray. all in one day. at lolla. together. this summer. AND WE'RE GOING TO THE PARX AFTERPARTY WHAT THE HELL ???

[bargainbinsock]

I have a pretty controversial view about autistic masking

A lot of people talk about how terrible it is to mask as an autistic person. I'm sure it's true. I was criticized a lot as a child and at the time, nobody even thought to get me evaluated for autism. It was the 80s and I was lower middle class. In that environment, nobody thought in terms of a kid having ADHD or autism if they didn't fit in, especially if you were a girl. You were just "weird," or lacked self-discipline, or could succeed if you "really tried." That's just how it was. Having trouble with things was considered a matter of your character, not your brain function.

So people certainly criticized the things I did. People criticized me for constantly twirling my hair; for pronouncing words with a odd emphasis on certain syllables; for all the other little ways that I stood out from my peers that I can't even remember. I had a large vocabulary and used it, so I didn't talk in a "normal" way. I could only pay attention in class if I doodled all over my notes.

But I never really got good at pretending to be normal. I never really stopped stimming. I did learn how I was supposed to pronounce certain words so I didn't stand out as much. But mostly...I was just me, despite peoples' efforts to try to make me not be me. I couldn't make all the changes people always wanted me to make.

So when I see people complain about masking, I guess I feel a little bit..envious? Because that means they somehow achieved appearing normal better than I did, and they're probably reaping a bunch of benefits from it that I can't access to this day. I see them talk about having friends and partners and I don't have those things. And maybe I would if I had actually learned to mask more. To tell the truth, I probably only get by as much as I do because I'm pretty low support needs and my autistic symptoms aren't very prominent. My sensory issues are mild and mostly revolve around tactile stuff, which is mostly solved by dressing for comfort. I often doubt I'm autistic much of the time since on tests I take online I tend to score between the neurotypical range and the autistic range. So I see people talk about how the autistic spectrum isn't a spectrum between "more autistic" and "less autistic," and I feel like it doesn't apply to me because I do feel like I am genuinely less autistic than other autistic people in a lot of ways. I'm not saying this as a negative judgment, I'm just calling it like it is.

But I struggle massively with things that I don't see talked about as much. Maybe this isn't related to autism, I don't know, but I struggle a lot with trying to socialize. I know it's not all social anxiety thought of course that's a big part of it. But I have trouble understanding what people say because I can't filter out the background noise very well and my brain treats sound and speech as equal. Which apparently normal brains don't do? So I tent to fall silent in group settings because I can't participate. And the noise feels overwhelming and I want to participate but I can't make myself heard and it's hard to take turns in conversation, I get impatient waiting for my turn to speak (probably from ADHD) and I wind up either interrupting or never getting a chance to speak at all, and it's so frustrating that many common ways to socialize are just frustrating for me. And I never see any advice on how to deal with this anywhere. And I suffer a lot from social isolation as a result of it. And I don't see that talked about much either. I'm an introvert but I don't want to be alone all the time. I do a lot better in one-on-one conversations but it's hard to get to that point with a person; you seem to have to do all that group stuff first. But I don't see autistic people online talking about that kind of stuff so maybe this isn't an autism thing? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not trying to be something I'm not, I'm just trying to find some answers.

[littleblueberryartist]

Genshin Neurodivergent Headcanons!

Note: Most of the hcs I have are ADHD related! I know that there's a lot more to neurodivergency than just ADHD, however as someone with ADHD myself I tend to base hcs off on my own experiences and projections lol so if you were wondering this is why

Anyway on with the hcs!

Venti: ADHD

He is. So full of love. He loves deeply and wholeheartedly and cares so damn much be it romantic or platonic attraction (adhd making your feelings feel so big they'll burst right out of your chest)

I think they used to be a lot more emotional back when they first became a god (he's far from stoic and still super expressive now, but he keeps his true emotions under lock and key)

the NB and the Old Mond Gang taught him to love and care and fight for freedom, but they weren't used to the sheer intensity of human emotion (emotional disregulation go brrrr)

holds strong to his ideals and beliefs

the wind is constantly blowing and venti is constantly moving

tons of dopamine from music fr

Coming up with sick rhymes is really mentally stimulating

fast paced brain + 2.6k years worth of experience is how he comes up with new songs and rhymes so fast

Good with words but can get rambly and a bit long winded (not as long winded as ZL tho)

He would do the stimming hand flaps he absolutely would

wing flap stims in archon form too

vocal stims this guy thrills like a bird and makes wind chime noises

hates the texture of cheese specifically but I don't think he says much about the actual taste?? kinda like me with tuna so sensory sensitivity???? (I love cheese tho)

despite being my most brainrotted character I don't have too much in game evidence for ADHD Venti lol it's all vibes

also he's my comfort character so they're just like me fr (and that includes the they/them pronouns)

Yoimiya: ADHD

Easily excited and feels deeply and wholeheartedly (adhd dials feelings up to 100 and that includes the positive ones)

She talks a lot, runs on sentences and sometimes doesn't even realise that she's doing it, changes topics a ton

talkativeness is a way that adhd can manifest and it's one of the ways it shows up in me

her vibes and how she talks reminded me a lot of myself and I got attached (she's just like me fr)

hyperfixates on fireworks don't @ me

Man I sure am lucky I hyperfixated on my family business and never stopped

the colourful lights of the fireworks are a visual stim for her

vocal stims and echolalia

the latter happens a lot when she's hanging around kids bc I do it with little sister

She runs all over the place and is just generally super active and lively (see: her dashing around in the genshin lantern rite promotional vid)

Albedo: ADHD + Autism

only puts in effort and excels in shit that interests him

hyperfixates on art and alchemy he's my inattentive adhd bestie

absolutely twice exceptional (gifted + neurodivergent)

this entire link: https://www.reddit.com/r/Genshin_Impact/comments/mehjk5/hypothesis_albedo_has_adhd_inattentive_type/

He doesn't exhibit many outwardly hyperactive traits but his mind is constantly going

I've seen the Autistic Albedo hc much more than I've seen the ADHD one and I agree with both. Co-morbid king

He likes Dragonspine bc the snow absorbs sound and helps with overstimulation

Sucrose: ADHD + Anxiety

lost her friends before. I'm a bit luckier in this aspect I think, but a lot of adhd peeps have a hard time making and keeping friends

Past rejections have affected how she views herself and her relationships

RSD from both the anxiety and ADHD god help her

This sense of guilt for bothering people just by talking to them even though she knows logically that that's not how it works (aqua your projection is showing-)

Particularly prone to overstimulation by noise because of her enhanced hearing

ND to ND communication with Albedo (and honestly Timaeus too)

Alchemy hyperfixation. Specifically bioalchemy and sweet flower modifications

either way she's the genshin ver of my biology special interest so I want to be friends

Hutao: ADHD (This hc was absorbed over from a friend bc I don't actually know her lore that well)

Whismy!!! Sillay gal!!!

she pulled a me when she was younger and decided "Oh I'm weird? Well guess what I think it's cool so now I will be cringe and free"

would rather die than be bored (me too)

loves pranking and poking reactions out of ppl

Some ADHD ppl like to start drama for the thrill/stimulation

This entire chunk of her character story 1

A lot of ppl with ADHD study or read better while moving around or standing

Doing handstands can also be her way of making things more interesting or challenging (gamification to get rid of boredom)

She's very whimsy as a character but takes her job as a funeral director very seriously

Man I sure am lucky I hyperfixated on my family business and never stopped

Kazuha: some flavour of nd but also ???

very in tune with the environment and good with slight sounds and smells

adhd brain taking in all the sudden random changes maybe???? nature is his interest so it catches his eye and keeps his focus perhaps???? idk the adhd "hey look at that bug" meme

particular about how his food is made even tho he may not always get that luxury with his life as a wanderer, food/sensory sensitivities?????

yeah not too sure on this one but putting here anyway bc I like him

[emeritus-fuckers]

Match-up event - Jez

(Nyx and I decided to match each other up for lols)

Let's go. I'm twenty, agender (afab), somewhere between bi and pansexual, poly and somewhere under the aromantic umbrella. Don't mind any pronouns in particular. I want one match-up with a human and one with a ghoul (let's see how you handle it babes). I study writing, might pick up a second major in journalism, dunno yet. Theistic satanist. Monsterfucker. Mask kink af.

I'm 164 centimeters tall (I'm not looking it up in feet). I've got a soft tummy and pretty good ass (lmao). You know how I look like, though I am planning to dye my hair blue.

They're not done yet, but I wanna include this anyway: tattoos. I'm not including any that could guide you to a potential result :p

Little cartoon seal on my right arm (for my sister)

Little cartoon panda on my right arm (for my brother)

Spider-Punk emblem on my left shoulder

666 under my left collar bone

A little plague doctor on my right arm

Also planning to get a shit ton of piercings all over my body. (Not just face and ears if you know what i mean), but that's for later. I like getting my nails done, usually to colors are symbolic or just a reference to something.

I usually wear skinny jeans and hoodies with some weird print. I love oversized hoodies, they are like my main source of comfort. I have chains attached to my pants, and I love wearing too many necklaces. I usually have ghearrings (the ghost crosses) in my ears and another one on a chain around my neck. Also wearing a Baphomet (like the goat head in a pentagram) necklace, a pride heart one, a matching besties necklace with Vic and occasionally a choker. I do occasionally do all out, wearing a white dress shirt, black skinny jeans, a leather jacket and the listed jewelry with my favorite rainbow sneakers and round sunglasses. With lots of rings, mostly something skull/plant/occult themed. Always silverish color, never gold. I don't like gold.

Outside from Ghost, I mostly listen to rock and different kinds of metal. And FNaF songs.

I was a Creepypasta kid. Aside from Polish and English I speak some German and bits of Italian, but very little. I can read most arabic letters (as in I know what sounds they make).

I have lots of different posters on my walls and I have stickers on my furniture because I grew up too fast and I'm catching up on my childhood now. I've got mental issues, including but not limited to autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety, mommy issues and daddy issues. I like calling them my pokemon.

I like writing (though I barely have time for that) and re-watching Total Drama (watched it 8 times just this year) since it manages to keep my attention, something most movies fail to do, which is why I barely watch anything. I get bored very easily. I play the Sims 4 a lot, but I can't build in it for the life of me. I'm amazing at building in the Sims 3. Big fan of Assassin's Creed (I don't like the new ones, though, since it doesn't feel like AC anymore to me). I own many true crime and paranormal activity books, though I can barely read at this point. I like manga, though. Currently collecting the Soul Eater series. I love plushies. I got a new one today. Their name is Pyza. (Yes, they're enby, I even got them a pin)

I know way more about butterflies than I should. I know lots of useless trivia in general. Most of it disturbing. I'm tired 24/7, but my body either wakes up before 7AM or after 6 hours exactly and it's impossible for me to fall asleep again. My room is usually a mess, but that's okay, so am I.

I'm a total introvert, but I'm also so tired with life I forced myself to become the extrovert of the group. I'm really loud if I like people, although my affection is usually random touches on someone's arms and shoulders with a strange noise. I make noises. A lot.

For some reason, babies love me. Even though I personally dislike children. I love pets, though. All sorts of pets. Cats, dogs, snakes, spiders... Anything. If I can pet it, I want to pet it. I love moths from the attacus family, I mean just look at this gorgeous girl!

As for my personality, aside from daily mental breakdowns, I'm relatively chill, just... Very unhinged. I talked about Secondo's dick piercings in McDonald's. Compared to the shit I say, Terzo's an angel.

I think that's all. Have fun babes <3 - Jez

[tellmeayarn]

I would hazard the blanket statement that every ND person has some amount of trauma related to their speaking volume.

Mine is smaller than many, but I very distinctly remember my 2nd grade teacher ascribing malevolence to my inability to project my voice when we read aloud in class. And teasing me about it, because I could get loud when I was excited about something, or at recess. Like she was gathering evidence against me for court. "see??? you can do it now, so obviously in this other situation, you're not doing well because you're trying to make me mad at you."

(A lot of my moments realizing I'm different are from that year, which is probably due to a 60/40 split of timing and that awful woman lol. Typically my flavor of autism didn't draw people's ire much, because I was quiet and polite. And the ADHD kids have it way worse.)

This isn't the shit that keeps us up at night, it just makes our lives overcomplicated.

ND people are drawn to each other because... why wouldn't you want to make friends with people who see the world similar? And that shared history of no one understanding you is a powerful flavor enhancer. But it gathers together people with overactive senses into rooms full of people who shout when they're excited.

So now as an adult I sit there, blasted by my gf's shouted infodumping, not processing it because it's twisting all my nerves upside down and it feels like I am sitting inside a tornado siren or being beaten by ocean waves. But usually I am not willing to say anything, because I know they've spent their life being shut down and told they're too loud, and not hurting them is more important than not being fried to a crisp by the noises they're making.

(Don't worry, there are other situations where it's the opposite situation, where they ignore their needs because they're afraid to hurt me -- I am not complaining about Ivy, keep reading.)

It's just all very very unnecessary! and can be solved pretty simply, by realizing that 7-year-olds aren't fucking with you on purpose. Just to... make you mad at them? Think about that for one second and realize how wrong-footed it is.

In fact, maybe if a kid gets loud when they're excited about dinosaurs, and quiet when they're nervous about public speaking, that's not even that weird??

(Maybe it's even a part of your job to help them become more confident about public speaking, rather than shaming them for being bad at a new skill? Nay, nay, that's probably taking it a step too far. right? lol. lmao.)

[cas-coding]

list of my stims and tics to show you you're not alone.

i probably pass for neurotypical in many environments i enter, and i realize the privilege that i have because of this, but that does not mean that i am neurotypical. i have been diagnosed with GAD, depression, OCD, gender dysphoria, ARFID, and am waiting on an autism diagnosis appt later this year.

my point of making this list is to help anyone feel less alone than they might have felt before. even if you can't see me stimming or ticcing, i am, and that means that anyone could be stimming or ticcing along with you and you might not notice. you are not alone.

but here's my current list of stims, tics, and echolalia <3

wiggling my toes, specifically trying to position the seam of my sock into a certain position

kicking my foot. i have a friend who makes fun of me for kicking her all the time, but she knows it's a tic and i can't help it and the teasing is all in good fun

adjusting how i'm sitting. this is a big one if i have a large temperature fluctuation!! (and i'm not talking like oh, i'm uncomfortable with how i'm sitting, i'll adjust type deal. i'm talking every two minutes im like swinging my knee over my shoulder to get a better position)

hitting my hip. this happens a lot when i am stressed, especially if it is due to my own mistake.

shaking out my hand. this is a calming action, typically one i do in loud environments or when i have to eat a food i don't feel comfortable eating. in severe cases, i shake both hands rather violently. (i once shook so hard i had to wear wrist brace for a week)

putting my hand in a fist and nodding it. as a child i was told this was sign language for yes, but i have no idea if that's accurate or not. i've had this stim since i was nine as a nonspeaking way of showing my extreme excitement for something.

twirling my hair, occasionally pulling it. i have curls and so while it looks like i'm just touching up some curls, it typically is a tic that happens when i am very uncomfortable.

scrunching up my face and shaking my head. this can range from looking like a cute anime sneeze to a straight up meltdown. this happens when i am trying to tell someone no and they do not listen to me.

chewing my fingernails and the skin around them. this is by far the worst stress reaction i have, but it's also become a grounding technique. i've done this ever since i was little to stop dissociating as the pain will typically pull me from that headspace.

squishing my stomach. this is associated with eating and feeling unhealthy.

repeating the phrase 'mish mish.' i saw it on a tumblr post about two months ago as a way someone was referring to misha and now i say it as a comfort phrase. if someone could tell me why i latched onto this specifically that would be great.

humming, but not a specific tune. i typically try to find the pitch of whatever is bothering me most (like if there's a tornado test siren) as a way to feel like i control that stimulus.

just making sounds. you all know the sounds i am talking about. thee sounds

but, by far, my biggest and most frequent tic is neck tensing. this one is borderline dangerous. first my neck tenses up and then my head will shake, just a little bit until i either a) manage to stop by some miracle or b) my neck grows so tense i get stuck in a little sideways tilt for about 30 minutes.

other general sensory issues i have:

clothing texture

overlapping noise

watching tv without subtitles. literally cannot do this

the texture of whatever i am standing on (i'm not kidding, i will literally only wear fuzzy socks bc of this)

body temperature

tastes and textures of foods

restraining or constricting physical touch (for example: hand on the shoulder? so chillin. hug? i think the fuck not)

END OF LIST

[bunnybluez]

WOAH, you're also level 2??? i'm not professionally diagnosed with a level myself (i was diagnosed at 11 at around 2007, way before levels were established, with autism, pddnos, and "asperger's disorder" at various times), and i believe my level of social and repetitive behavior disability would qualify as level 2 (with my verbal and communicative sharing qualifying potentially for level 3 in an extroverted version because as you can see i literally do not understand what are proper boundaries to share with strangers aside from the obvious stuff like sexual things most of the time, and with everything except for schedules and sensory sensitivities being level 2, with schedules being level 3 and sensory sensitivities being level 1 because 1.) therapy helped me tolerate loud noises better and i don't scream as often as frequently at loud noises anymore, i can tolerate more textures though i still struggle, and i am in fact heavily sensory seeking --- i like touching different types of textures from tables to walls to fuzzy things to goo, and i like listening to music with weird amounts of textures which is why uk bass, hyperpop, glitch pop, glitchcore, and other music like that is VERY sensorily satisfying to our system) but i can't get a re-evaluation for my autism levels specifically because it'd be a burden on my mom's finances. all i know is that because i'm probably level 2 middle support needs, i can't attend in person classes because of my extent of my disability even part time, have to attend classes even with subjects i'm good at part time because more than one assignment at once stresses me out so bad i regress to a level 2.5 or 3 but hyperverbal type state, and i am...not trusted with most household appliances or even food (both because i'll gorge myself on anything tasty and edible, and because i have a tendency to either make a mess at the lightest or almost cause a house fire at the worst)

so yeah! i'm glad someone actually diagnosed level 2 can relate because...it makes me feel like i'm on the right direction with my diagnosis

im not offically diagnosed with level 2 actually my country has no where that uses levels so im not able to be assessed even if i wanted to, im just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.

my level also self assessed but ive had input from my gp, mama (carer) and therapist who agree i fall under level 2 because ive never had any idea how social interactions work, im an extrovert and would talk to strangers the same way i would with friends (tho i never had many in the first place, apparently other kids were scared of me) i make better friends online because irl its so stressful to try be aware of others, i used to be able to mask but i burntout and now im back at having very little awareness of others social cues like body language, facial expressions, tone or even like implied meaning to words idk how that works i never have. even when i masked my autism was extremely obvious but since im (hyper)verbal with a high iq (top 19%) i wasnt noticed as autistic until i was 12 then diagnosed at 16.

i cant go to school either, i can do online schooling okay since its all done in my pace and its subjects i really enjoy (psychology is my special interest and what im studying but i also wanna study biology or medicine, also spIns) i cant clean or cook, i do have chronic illness that stops me but even if i didnt that stuff would be extremely overwhelming, i could cook maybe once every few days and i can make basic stuff like instant noodles n cup snacks. my mama has to pick my clothes out and tie my shoes because idk whats appropriate or not to wear, id wear pyjamas everywhere and change clothes like once a week if i wasnt told to.

[electricrainbowskull]

A long vent because my parents probably just showed how much they now understand me and how my autism affects me in stressful and overwhelming situations and accommodated me and it just really made me happy.

So we went to a meat market that is always jam packed and I made the mistake of going in thinking it's Tuesday how busy can it be (VERY) and that had used up pretty much all my spoons, so I was worried about goin in anywhere else

We to Costco next which surprise was also crazy busy for a Tuesday but it was mostly fine, trouble arrived when my Dad sprung the fact we were eating here and not stopping for food anywhere else it was this or nothing until we get home (we ending getting home at 7pm due to a 2hr travel time back to home).

That alone was enough use up all the spoons because I go into a "I say no thanks and stop asking me things" fawn mode when I'm just point blank told go make a decision right now with no time to think. So I panic pick chicken strips because that's safer than anything in my mind.

Standing there waiting surround so many other people getting lunch makes me anxious/claustrophobic and on the verge of a meltdown because people were just way too close me, an older lady was basically brushing up against me towards the end, she had the room to move over, I did not because a mom and sons were on my other side and the kids were like play kicking each other just adding my stress.

Wasn't having a great time and having to sit down at a table surrounded by people in noise instead of just heading to the car even worse. My Mom kept asking me questions about if i wanted things which just makes it worse, but realizes that I'm hitting my wall and I let her know that she goes to inform my Dad about what happening, while I'm trying to cover my face and hide the fact I'm crying in a very public place at 28 years old for what appears to be no reason at all.

But here's where my Parents show how much they've come to understand how I work when in tears

My Dad comes over and tells my to take my time, breathe and try to calm down. I try that worrying that their gonna keep talking to me and make a whole deal out it, but they didn't. They just let me have my moment and went about setting up their lunch and waiting for me to get through this meltdown moment. I am not someone who's good with being comforted when I'm trying to calm down or regulate myself they've seen this a couple times in the past year, I don't like people seeing me cry because I always feel the need to just stop and not actually calm down because I don't want someone else to feel bad because I feel bad and that what people comforting me feels like, they just want me to stop crying/being upset

So for them to just let me have this moment and let me calm down at my own pace without any unnecessary words just made me really happy. I was nervous it'd start up all over again with either of them asking if I was okay after I finally calmed down, but again they've seen that just makes things worse and we just at lunch and just talked like we normally do. This made feel a thousand times better because while yes it's stressful to reach that point of overstimulation, them treating it like a normal thing and part of who I am felt like a huge relief. They've seen me cry so many times now in stressful situations in this past year from appointments and other meetings I had one or both sit in with me, but to have something that wasn't a meeting and just happened from a normalish activity, It's hard to explain it as anything but pure relief that I do have support and not just reassurance that feels like it's for any random person, but like an actual an understanding of what I need when I reach that point.

Damn accommodations specific to you are nice to have

[midorishinji]

Peter’s denial and repentance

I hate so intensely, and so many things, that it seems like this hate consumed me and burned everything I had inside, everything that took me so many years to build. There's nothing left here. And this time, I don't have a set deadline to see this cycle end, like five or six years of college. This is simply the rest of my life. “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”

Original work ｜Part IV of the "A girl by the sea"｜Also published in Portuguese and on AO3

a.n: I wrote this awhile ago, while going Through It, and tthis is the story that actually encouraged me to publish "Agnosthesia" as an ebook. I have a soft spot for it, evidently.

I hate having graduated from college. I hate having to work, in the same way that I hated not having a job (and, consequently, not having money). I hate the office environment. I hate dealing with people all the time. I hate so intensely, and so many things, that it seems like this hate consumed me and burned everything I had inside, everything that took me so many years to build. There's nothing left here.

Suddenly, it's like 2017 all over again. The walls are closing in around me: I'm alone, my friends are far from here, far from my routine. Everyone’s finding themselves, fitting into the life they chose, except for me — I'm still lost, my head in the clouds, dreaming of things that don't exist. Back then, I only listened to Smashing Pumpkins' “1979” for six months straight, and now I listen to “Galapogos” incessantly, because nothing resonates more than “and rescue me from me, and all that I believe ” or “ and tell me I am still the man I'm supposed to be ”. Nothing is more familiar than a time loop. But this time, I don't have a set deadline to see this cycle end, like five or six years of college. This is simply the rest of my life.

Thinking about it makes me want to cry, and lately, all I think about is crying all day — between one patient and another, while I'm running on the treadmill to optimize my time, while I'm taking a shower so I don't make too much noise because I don't wanna bother my parents, and because I know there's no point in bothering them, anyway. Three different doctors recommended taking me to a neuropsychiatrist when I was a kid, suspecting autism: one because I refused to speak (even though I was physically and mentally capable of doing so) and had learned to read and write on my own, much earlier than expected; another because the school wanted to skip me from the first grade straight to the fifth grade of elementary school because I was too advanced for the class and all the lessons bored me; and the third because young girls do not normally have such an obsessive interest in poisons, toxins and radioactivity at the age of eight. Three times my parents denied it, like Saint Peter denied Jesus. I'm afraid of going to a psychologist or psychiatrist and finding out that something really is wrong with me. I'm afraid I'll discover that my life could have been easier if I had an ICD-10 code stamped on my forehead. I'm afraid to know what would change if I had a name for what I feel. Most of all, I'm afraid that there will be no answer and I will be forced to spend the rest of my days with this nameless anguish inside me.

I'm afraid of a lot of things. Today, when a patient missed an appointment, I used my free half hour to search online for psychologists who work under my health insurance, and I didn't have the courage to call any of them. I used to think I was brave, but the putrid odor of cowardice emanates from me: I'm just this quiet little thing, who swallows everything silently, fearful, scared, coward . I'm afraid nothing will change. I'm afraid everything will change. I'm afraid I'm no longer the person I should (could?) be. I think, most of all, I hate being myself. If God were fair, or good, he would give me an immediate way out of this career situation out of pity, a deus ex machina like winning the lottery: I always pick the same numbers, those numbers.

I get home and go watch Gilmore Girls, a recommendation from a friend from college who I haven't spoken to since we graduated because she works full-time, and so do I. For a few hours, I forget that I am me, and get lost in Stars Hollow. I sympathize with Jess and his postmodern Holden Caulfield way of hiding his sensitive writer soul. Unlike me, he has courage. Every now and then, I think about publishing “Agnosthesia” as an original story — it's ready, edited, stored in the virtual Google Drive vault — and I always falter. I’d have to make a cover art, and put it on Kindle or another ebook format, and... I’d have to publish it, and I'm afraid. I'm terrified of the reception being negative, because this story is a part of me in a way that I can't explain, and my heart is that of a bird, if someone blows too close to it, it could fall apart like grains of sand between my fingers. I admire Jess because he has courage, and he's going to publish his book — I haven't gotten to that episode yet, I confess, but the spoiler amuses me. Maybe one day my turn will come too. Perhaps. I wish I could tell Rory to drop out of Yale and run away with Jess, that's what I would have done: but I, as always, am a coward. I would always choose to run away.

[dreamcrush]

also, i don't mean to spam you with asks, but can i send 1 + 2 for the idol ask game?

1. Who is your main idol identity? Do you have multiple? Feel free to list as many as you want!

my main is and always will be the one and only izumi sena of knights and ensemble stars fame. i have other big / core ones but he is my #1 spiritual connection, #1 kin, etc. its all about him. ena from pjsk i don’t consider an idol but she’s also huge for me, and it’s a music franchise so worth mentioning i suppose. my biggests from enstars are izumi, koga, mika, natsume, and hiiro i think. other sources, i highly kin chisato from bandori and you from love live who are idols. - 🏹

My main two are Rei and Leo from Enstars! I kin a lot more from ES as well, but outside of that I do have like music sourced kins (bandori, aaside, etc) but I don't really consider them for this ask game since they're in bands and not really "idols" per say. From Enstars I also am Eichi, Shu, Mao, Keito, Kanata, Hajime, Rinne, Tsumugi, Nagisa, and Tatsumi. - 🪽

2. What Unit(s) were you in? What were the people in them like? Were you ever a solo idol?

i’ll just talk about enstars to limit this list a bit. all my enstars kins have at least one canon where i was in the “correct” unit (hokuto, chiaki, hiiro, jun, mika, niki, koga, tomoya, izumi, natsume). i have a natsume canon where i was in trickstar instead of makoto. i have an izumi canon where i was still in knights, but we became four people as leo ended up leaving for good. as mika i remember some very distinct non-canon shuffle unit projects that were important to me, including one that had myself koga jun and mao together for a shuffle unit related to some sort of fashion or modeling thing with kind of edgy clothes. in one of my koga canons i had a pretty prominent solo career while i was still in undead, but also making and releasing my own music on the side as a personal project type thing. the people in my units are my loved ones much more often than not. knights, undead, switch, the other halves of eve and valkyrie, even more. these are people who have planted themselves deep into my heart. i don’t remember solo careers other than koga but i won’t rule it as a possibility. but my units are always really important to me. - 🏹

In all of those, I was pretty much in the same units except for alternate canons as Mao (Knights) and Tsumugi (Eden?). I'll mostly just talk for Rei and Leo since I cover like... all units with those and I don't want to talk about everyone in an ask. In Undead, we all had really close friendships I think. I saw Adonis as another younger sibling and Kaoru was like my best friend. Koga and I got together and were eventually married (in my main TL) but we all were just really close! Not a lot of bad blood in my opinion. Koga butted heads with us but it was never anything extremely serious. As for Leo, LOL. We all fought a lot but at the end of the day we all loved eachother I'm pretty sure! I got along well with everyone and had the most struggles with Sena and Suo... Naru looked after me a lot and fussed about me which got a little much sometimes but not super bad. Rittsu and I never really fought from my memory? We spent a lot of time snuggled and napping together and just relaxing honestly. And while i was loud he never really minded my noise, unlike Sena. Sena and I were together and lived together too later down the line but we clashed a lot in our differing autism and other mental issues. We're always good for eachother and love eachother and nothing can change that though. At the end of the day things are okay. Suo though I just see too much of myself in so we struggle a lot. I don't have the most memories with him because early on I just didn't care all too much but hopefully I'll remember more down the line because he really is a special kid. - 🪽

[fairymoe]

Explaining a bit of my autistic experience and frustration

Today I feel exasperated, and nothing has even really happened! Nothing except feeling like an outcast who can’t talk about their experience because I know I won’t be understood. Basically, I feel very frustrated about how I feel it is unsafe and unacceptable to talk about my experience as an undiagnosed autistic individual in the ways that feel most authentic to me. I feel completely over having to “soften the blow” for neurotypical people, especially my family, when I talk about my autism. I'm done using the words such as, “I suspect I'm autistic.”, or “I self-identify as neurodivergent.” It's like, no, I don’t just *think* I’m autistic, I KNOW I am autistic. I am not delusional or manic. Call it aspergers, or mild autism if you want, I don’t care. I just want to be able to express what is true for me, to be allowed, after hours of research poured into what autism looks like for late diagnosed female people, to use the label that I feel fits me the best without feeling ashamed or like it will ostracize me or lead to criticism. I just want to be able to put the appropriate label to the experiences that make up who I am, to validate myself that I’m not “weird” or “annoying”- two of the many labels OTHER people have given me in my life to explain their understanding of my neurodivergence.

I feel like there is this very common sort of bias around the idea that you shouldn't say you're autistic until you get a diagnosis. I understand that this thought exists in many other families like mine. Because of fear mongering, misrepresentation and hate, autism is seen as a “scary diagnosis” for a lot of people due to the stigmatizing beliefs so many people hold, believe, and have been taught about the disorder. Another factor is often disbelief, because most autistic people in tv and the media all fit into 2 very particular niches - firstly, the “low functioning” autistic child who is frequently portrayed either having a loud and outwardly expressed meltdown and wearing noise canceling headphones, and secondly the white male savant/ socially awkward genius working as a doctor or other highly specialized professional. The vast majority of autistic people do not fit into these categories, and so if you don’t have a person with an autism diagnosis in your family it is very easy to miss the signs of autism, especially in children like the child I was - traumatized, and living in very dangerous situations where learning to mask any signs of difference or peculiarity was essential for both your literal physical and social survival. 

I think it’s strange that most of the people in my family wouldn’t trust my judgment about my OWN EXPERIENCE if I told them the label I used to describe it was “autistic”. I mean, what about all the other things I had a pre-sense about before I was diagnosed? What about my depression? I knew I was depressed before I was diagnosed with depression. I knew I was extremely anxious and probably had an anxiety disorder before I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. I highly suspected that I was bipolar and had been doing so much research about it just a few months before I was admitted to hospital for a serious manic episode and diagnosed. So why is autism different? I have been researching autism since I was 15, and even during that manic episode I was insisting that I was autistic, and everyone told me I was delusional - But I was just excited about reading and listening to other peoples experiences and struggles  that sounded strikingly familiar to me, - to all the things I had buried so deeply since I was a little kid, and the resulting experience that shaped who I was growing up. I kept many many things hidden, and because I was so reserved, I understand why the adults in my life at the time felt that I was delusional. Even a few years before, if someone would have told me I was autistic,  I probably would have denied it and explained my particularities and shyness as pure introversion.

But during the self growth and healing journey I’m still going through, I  have found other people like me with very similar experiences in their social lives, in how they interpreted the world, how their brains worked, and many of them, friends such as paige hess, had autism or now have autism diagnoses. But don’t get me wrong - I am not self diagnosing purely based on my friend’s traits, that would be ridiculous. As I mentioned earlier, I have done a lot of other research that was less subjective. I’ve read academic articles about research done with autistic people, read over some of the most common experiences that fit in line with the DSM-5, read about how autism looks different for female people and how certain kinds of experiences might shape someone’s expression of their autism. Basically, being able to grow up, and being truly engaged in therapy for the first time in my life in the last 3 or so years has helped me realize how much I was repressing, natural urges such as stimming, that I had repressed for so long. I realized why even though I was really “good” at school, I never felt like the learning stuck because I wasn’t able to learn in the way that worked with how my brain works. In my continuous attempt to “be normal” and stop the voice in my head that continuously told me I was weird and never good enough, my perfectionism gave me a sense of control and was built on the social “rules” that I couldn’t name but somehow understood how to follow, not because they were natural to me, but because I had been observing them in social situations and unconsciously taking notes. (I’m really good at pattern recognition). All these things started coming undone, all these tendencies and mannerisms and behaviors, like a very tight knot starting to loosen and come undone inside of me. And instead of trying to keep that knot done up nice and snug, for the first time in my life i’m letting it unravel, and picking up the thread and looking at it with curiosity instead of shame or embarrassment. 

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

I saw a post on @birdofmay's blog that got me thinking. I actually started a reblog, to (thankfully!) realize in time my brain had skipped over several points of theirs in its utter joy at seeing autism explained in a visual way that made perfect sense to us.

So, because I do feel the need to talk about this from my own perspective, I'm sharing only the relevant part of the original blog - but linking to it so you can read on what autism, specifically 'severe' autism as it's labeled, feels like for OP.

Taken from @birdofmay's blog:

""I just saw one of those "autism isn't linear, it's a spectrum" posts again and one picture was that how much the traits are pronounced could look like this:

And yeah, exactly, to use the outdated terms "high functioning" and "low functioning" - this individual here would be considered high functioning. Some traits are very pronounced and in fact very disabling. That's why "high functioning" dismisses the struggles of those autistics.

But they are considered high functioning because there are many traits that aren't that pronounced.""

This is the part my brain lasered on. Here's the thing: as I've stated before, I got my diagnosis back in January, at age 42. Since then, I did a hyperfast catch-up, and one part of it was, somehow, to get a bit involved on Tumblr. To put it simply: I discovered just how wide and often disabling a spectrum autism is.

And I started feeling like a fraud. Like I didn't deserve to call myself 'autistic' because I wasn't suffering 'enough' compared to people labeled, say, low-functioning. From that black-and-white comparison model, I was more of a high-functioning autistic. It's true I can shower with ease (except for the physical fatigue), cook, dress, etc etc do 'normal' things from being raised in a 'normal' way because hell if anyone knew something was actually inherently different with me. Different times. I had depression back in the '90s, when it wasn't even perceived as a disease - or as real! So autism? All we saw of that was kids (male kids!) hitting themselves and rocking and making shrill sounds and, forgive the terminology, not seeming human. At least, from a 'normal' vantage point. Which is certainly what made me believe, at first, that I could not possibly be autistic. Chatting with a friend and reading up on autism in women drastically changed this decrepit, dehumanizing perspective I am ashamed was still my brain's comprehension of autism a mere year ago.

Talking with people who function differently/'worse' than me did as well. To a point where I started to dismiss my own struggles since they're not 'bad/disabling enough'.

Gods. Fuck that mentality of mine.

And this circles me back to OP's words: That's why "high functioning" dismisses the struggles of those autistics. Gods. EXACTLY. And I'm not gonna compare myself to someone who can't articulate vocally, or who struggles to walk a straight line, and whose good days are certainly worse than my bad days. That's not what this post is about.

It's about not dismissing yourself, wherever on that spectrum you are. And, perhaps more importantly, not comparing yourself (and your pain!) to someone else's. Because all that achieves is hurt. And we already suffer enough from our own brains being fickle, stubborn, self-sabotaging assholes.

As an interesting exercise, I placed myself on every point on this wheel (copying this image purely to have the colour descriptions, check the original blog for the black line's explanation)

Motor skills: few to no issues

Perception: way too acute

Sensory: sharp lights and noises are pain; worse/sensitive to more on bad days

Language: few to no issues except during meltdowns

Executive Function: complicated most of the time

Social, because I feel this is missing: limited anxiety, able to talk to strangers, but exhausting

I consider myself well-functional overall. I have few needs, but they are deep needs - like avoiding getting too much light in, avoiding people (especially chatty ones), avoiding noisy environments... because this is pain to me. Pain that can lead to meltdown that can and will lead to outward aggression. I thus don't know what functioning category I'm in.

And that is where the wheel feels like the best explanation possible for me - a spectrum that is so wide and broad and perceived so differently from person to person. And why my brain quickly obsessed with sharing it and here we are now. Hopefully with me not doing a rude thing again XD but the information feels more important than the risk, if only because:

I feel it needs known, by all, on the spectrum or not, that autism is in fact a very wide spectrum, and that all on it, whether officially diagnosed or not, are not only welcome with their struggles and successes, but that their perceptions of their own lives are VALID.

And I'm telling myself that too. Stop comparing! Stop thinking that, because you're 'lucky' enough to be able to talk and write and do stuff, that your voice isn't valid. In fact, it's rude towards those who can't because, unwittingly, and unwillingly I'll give myself that but now that I've come across the thought I feel horrible about it, it's somehow placing yourself above them. Or them beneath you. And that's not what a spectrum is about. Even though I grasp, and I'm sure others grasp this as well towards themselves, we are conditioned to believe we aren't worth as much once we deviate from the norm.

Well, fuck the norm. Even 'autistic' 'norms'.

There really is no norm. Only experiences, perceptions, values. Surely other things I can't come up with now. But the bottom line is: everyone, ND or not, suffers in their own way. Some more, some less. And we shouldn't invalidate our struggles because someone, in our perception, 'suffers more'. Just like we can't invalidate their suffering because, in our perception... well, our perception doesn't understand their suffering.

I feel breathless. Too many thoughts. Realizations. Desire for tolerance and understanding. Lil' bit of anxiety too, posting this. Maybe I shouldn't. But ah well. Openness and all that shit. Screw tags. Too personal.

[the-swift-tricker]

Hello. So. I think my psicologist cough some autism symptoms weeks ago and she said she's going to do some research and come back with the subject later. I'm 25, been through 7 professionals at least, who didn't even mentioned autism to me, so I'm... I don't know. I did some tests, read some articles, and suddenly.... A LOT of things growing up makes so much sense. But I'm, somehow.. afraid. I had an entire life without knowing this and suddenly... Even if nothing really changes, which really won't, I don't know, I really don't know how I feel, but I know is big.

Anyway, I know you're not an autism authority, and you don't own me or anyone anything but.. can you talk a little about being an autistic adult? or about how was it when you were diagnosed? How did you feel? Things got better?

well first and foremost let me ease your mind by saying that this is a very relatable mood. reaching a point in your life (particularly your adult life) where the idea of being autistic is something that suddenly seems incredibly likely can simultaneously be a huge relief and also completely overwhelming. so much of what society thinks of in relation to autism is told through a neurotypical lens and therefore it can be incredibly difficult to determine your own relationship with the idea of being autistic. for me it's been a long time in the making, only coming to full fruition over the course of the last year or so. i'm self diagnosed and haven't received any medical confirmations whatsoever but it's also not something i'm not super keen on pursuing. though it can be validating, an official medical diagnosis is daunting, expensive, and has a lot of other pitfalls. and i really am not that interested in all of that. through a lot of research and an equal amount of introspection it became perfectly clear to me that i'm on the spectrum. not only did it help make sense of so many parts of my life that had always been confusing to me, but it also eased this underlying identity crisis that i've been experiencing since i was a kid. in short, it was a sense of community that i realized i fit into perfectly, not because i related to every single autistic trait i saw or read about (since that's literally impossible as autism is a spectrum) but because it represented a sense of identity that really fit with all that i understood about myself.

an autism diagnosis, whether self or professional, is more than anything a journey of self acceptance and self realization.

and as to your question of whether things got better for me i can tell you that they absolutely did. not only did it help stabilize my perception of myself, but it also opened a door to taking better care of myself. i started realizing that i had been masking for most of my life and that helped explain the constant fatigue and stress i've dealt with for years on end. it also made me realize that i needed to do a better job of accommodating myself. i bought myself stim toys, found noise canceling headphones, started to realize when i was overstimulated, all of which helped my overall physical, mental, and emotional health.

all this to say that as one long term questioning autistic to another, i know it can feel daunting and even a little scary, but it is not something to be afraid of. realizing that i'm autistic is quite literally one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

i wish you the best with whatever comes next for you!

[spacemuffinz]

I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I've been autistic all this time and no one told me and I was too blind to notice. Like yeah I had years of trauma and an abusive alcoholic authoritarian narc parent and I was the target of all their hate for the first 10 years of my life and of course I have ptsd but WHY was I the lightning rod??

Cuz. Every personality trait that makes me ~quirky and unique and different and weird and obstinate and picky and whiny is just apparently AUTISM. And I've never had a unique experience in my life.

Picky eater and food cant touch. Abused. Ignored. Teased.. Talked funny and mumbly and too fast. Abused. Ignored. Teased.. Wanna dress in a way that made me comfy. Abused. Teased.. Spun in a circle or paced cuz good mood while watching TV. Abused.. Wanna infodump all the random information I just learned. Abused. Ignored. Teased.. Can't stand wind on my face in a car. Ignored. Teased.. hyper obsess over random whateverness. Ignored. Teased.. Background noises too loud to pay attention. Abused. Teased.. Take things too literally. Abused. Teased.. Don't take things literally enough. Abused. Teased.. laugh too loud. Abused. Teased.. don't laugh at jokes. Teased.. I was called about everything under the sun but a white girl every day. then they tell me to shut up and laugh it's only jokes. Don't be so sensitive all the time.. I had no friends. EEver. I was too obnoxious and weird I guess. And fail at fitting in. They said I had adhd cuz I daydream and have too many thoughts all the time. and maybe bpd. Cuz of meltdowns. Cuz I'd get pissed off and pushed to the point of pure self destruction.

It's like all I did was simply EXIST and I got my ass beat for it. Or made fun of. So why exist.

I was a gifted kid and everyone said I had so much potential and I even graduated early. But then my parents started demanding rent. And nothing ever got better.

Just. I've been physically mentally emotionally spiritually ripped apart since I was old enough to walk. But they thought they were giving me corrective behavior adjustments. But they just made me mask so hard I don't even know who or what the fuck I am.

I learned how to read tones and facial expressions and how to be hyper vigilant and how to read subtext and how to read a room and how to read body language so, I can't be autistic....except ptsd taught me that shit.. and I went and looked into it cuz it was neat. I always feel like an alien in a human zoo and idk how to human like the people do. It always blows up in my face.

And what's fucked up is my lil brother is autistic so it def runs in the family somewhere. But we aren't very much alike and idk any girl autistics. Or anyone who hides it with a misanthropic antisocial life like me. I was to the point the last 10 years I thought I was broken and society didn't want me and I gave up.

But now what

[2amtechnicolor]

Happy Autism Acceptance Day!!

I haven't done a personal post in a while, so I thought I'd type one out for today.

As many of you already know, I am autistic! I had suspected it since I was in high school, but I "officially" got diagnosed last year.

So I thought I'd talk about how autism affects my life, and how I interact with the world. I hope this gives you some insight into how autism presents and how an autistic person thinks!

Disclaimer: I don't require much outside support and I cannot and will not speak for those who do. Please listen to all sorts of autistic people, not just the ones who can communicate in a seemingly neurotypical manner.

Hyperempathy

I thought I'd start off with one of the most misunderstood autism symptoms. It's very common for an autistic person to have low empathy or high empathy, or fluctuate between the two. But because of the stigmatization of low empathy, hyperempathy is thought to be "all good" with no drawbacks.

The best way I saw hyperempathy described is having high "affective" or "emotional" empathy, and low "cognitive" empathy. It basically means we pick up on a whole lot of emotional signals, but have no idea what we're supposed to do with them. WHen I was a kid, I'd cry at the drop of a hat, not just sniffles, but full on screaming in tears.

The two biggest struggles I have with my hyperempathy are hoarding and politics.

With hoarding, I had lots of trouble throwing things out or donating them because I thought I was making them "sad" because I didn't want them anymore. Or, if something was a gift and I wasn't using it, I'd make the gift-giver sad for giving it away. I've begun working through that with some Marie Kondo tips: turning the feelings the objects have into gratitude for helping me and encouragement to help others. If I have lots of trouble throwing something away that needs to go (like old pillows) because of my hyperempathy, I ask someone else to do it when I'm not around so I don't have to see it and I can forget about it. I'm getting a lot better at this as I've grown up and learned more cognitive empathy.

With politics...I just get way too involved in discourse. I have my own opinions, and my own beliefs, but I only bring them up when necessary, and don't go hunting for debates. I have to pick my battles because otherwise I get consumed with anger and sadness and injustice. Instead, I curate my online experience to be safe and uplifting, while directing my feelings of injustice and inequality towards offline work, such as community outreach and volunteer work.

Sensory Issues

I'm incredibly sensitive to a lot of sensations. I'm highly noise sensitive, light sensitive, and pain sensitive, to the point that too much noise, light, or uncomfortable clothing can start to give me migraines.

I usually wear headphones in public, and I keep my lights fairly dim. I'm actually pretty skilled at getting around my house in the dark, which scares my family to no end, but I prefer it.

Pain sensitivity is harder to deal with. I wear clothes that are comfortable (usually tagless, and loose-fitting) and avoid situations where I may get hurt. I do like some adrenaline-inducing things, such as rollercoasters and bike-riding, but that just means I take every safety precaution and go in with the mindset that I may get bumped up a bit if I'm not careful.

I also have sensitivity to certain food textures and general smells. I always feel bad about this one, because it limits where my family can go, and I don't want to insult the chef by not finishing a meal. And with smells...well, my dad likes to clean the carpet regularly with a steamer but the smell makes me nauseous, so I can't even be on the same floor when it's running. A lot of other cleaning supplies affect me the same way if they're too chemically or lemony. We've gotten into fights over this.

Special Interests

I have very particular interests that I LOVE talking about: Video games, kawaii culture and aesthetics, and my OCs. So I get pretty upset when someone misunderstands something or doesn't know everything right away. The majority of my family has completely different interests, so I sometimes feel shut out because of these. Not to mention, because my interests are niche, it's hard to find people in real life to talk to.

This is why I love Tumblr: we're all here to obsess over weirdly specific topics.

Social Interaction

I don't like eye contact. I don't like interacting with people IRL in general without a "script". I'm terrible with names and faces, and get bored of conversation topics easily. When I'm tired, this can result in me seeming disinterested or bored or outright rude to people I'm usually polite to.

I don't mean to be. I just need a lot of time to recharge away from people. I'm usually better at communicating online over text because I can carefully choose and plan what I want to say and I can disconnect at any time.

(This is also why I don't like Tiktok!! My brain treats it as social interaction because of so many faces and I get so burnt out.)

Emotional Dysregulation

Lastly, I have troubling with distress tolerance and regulating my emotions. If something irks me and I know I can "fix" it, it's going to bother me all day. (Example: My waterbottle cap got stuck this morning. I spent 30 minutes trying to get it unstuck, despite having another way to empty and refill it.)

I could be on top of the world one minute and crying the next and then suddenly neutral again. I'm not quick to anger, but when I do, I snap and my family says it's pretty scary.

I'm really good at hiding my emotions on my face, but my brain tends to be a hurricane of feelings. It can be pretty exhausting.

Finally...a quick round up of things I do like about being autistic!

I tend to be fairly reliable since I like following a schedule

Rules are very helpful for me, and I'll rarely try to break them unless I see someone else do it first

My hyperempathy gives me different perspectives on issues, so I don't spend my whole time in a bubble

My sensory issues mean I end up being fairly detail oriented, being about to pick out small inconsistencies in sight, sound, and taste.

I have a brain that seems to be built for picking up useless information. I'm amazing at trivia.

I'm a great listener since I like to follow the "rules" of social interaction

When I'm happy, I'm really, really, really happy!

[solesurvivorkat]

'Shadow of Steel' ch. 35 preview

So... I recently discovered that it hasn't been two years since I last updated 'Shadow of Steel', my FO4 fic.

...It's been three. Three years.

THREE WHOLE YEARS. F*ck!ng HELL. (lol)

I am SO sorry. I know I've apologized and made excuses ad nauseum, but seriously - I am wicked sorry.

I mean... I'm not sorry for taking care of my kids (my son's autism has been a hell of a ride thus far, as well as me discovering {unofficially, but w/ good reason} that I'm very likely autistic as well. And my daughter is gonna be 1 year old in less than a month {sob!}, so that speaks for itself), but still - I never intended to have the wait be that long. That's insane.

BUT. I am remedying that now. Or I'm trying to, anyway. I don't want to let the story go - I've worked too hard, put waaaay too much work into so much of what's gone into it (and still will go into it in the future) to just drop it like a hot potato now.

SO. It's only fair that to make up for it, I share at least a small part of the beginning of the chapter I'm working on, so that people can see that I'm not just all talk (...again, lol).

Thank you again, a million times over, for anyone and everyone that's read this fic (or any of my fics, TBH), and especially to those many people that have left me such nice comments on it in the past. I seriously live for your feedback, and I truly mean it when I say that reading it makes my day. To think that I created something that people enjoy even a little bit is so gratifying to me. I love you guys more than you'll know, I really do.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

'SHADOW OF STEEL', Ch. 35 (Intro)

S9 watched them go until they were a good distance away, wanting to make sure they didn’t see which direction he headed off to. He shook his head and grumbled to himself, then bent and lifted Nora into his arms once more. With one last check of the vicinity, he sighed and began walking north, hoping he wouldn’t run into any more trouble along the way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I eagerly await every single detail,” Arthur replied stiffly, stepping forward. His hand found Womack’s shoulder, replacing Haylen’s. “But I need your mind clear, Knight. So take a minute or two to pull yourself together with Cade, gather your thoughts - and when you’re able to, meet me in my quarters.” He turned to face the others, brow furrowing as he looked from soldier to soldier. “As for the rest of you... I want you all to follow me there - now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nora’s first few nights sleeping in the Prydwen’s barracks with the other Brotherhood soldiers hadn’t been easy. She didn’t think she’d ever completely get used to the sound of its four constantly roaring jet engines. Over time, however... the Prydwen had gradually transformed into her new home, her friends in the Brotherhood like her new family, and all the mechanical sounds the airship produced had eventually become commonplace, her new ‘normal’... maybe even preferable - the automation becoming like white noise that lulled her to sleep night after night.

...Something was different.

Gone were the loud thrummings of the airship rotors and instrumentation, yet her surroundings weren’t silent. The soft hum of... some kind of machinery could be heard, although it didn’t sound close by - more like it was at a bit of a distance. The surface she was laying on felt like an old mattress - not hard, but not soft or entirely comfortable either. 

One of the metal springs pushing into the flat of her back made her shift slightly, hoping to find temporary relief. Her eyelids scrunched together before opening into tight, narrow slits. Dim as the light above her was, it didn’t prevent her from squeezing her eyes back shut with a quiet groan.

“Hm. Good to see you’re awake. ...I was beginning to think that idiotic raider overdosed you.”

The only thing that caused Nora more alarm in an unknown location than hearing the voice of a stranger, was hearing the voice of someone she hadn’t heard in a very long time - a voice she never thought she’d ever hear again, save from a 200 year old holotape she kept in safekeeping. 

Her eyes snapped open once more, head jerking to her right towards the source of the voice. The room she was in looked like some kind of... were they in a vault? Or some sort of... pre-war research building?? The one large window in her room overlooked some kind of atrium to a larger facility, where there were more rooms across and further down from hers.

The man who’d spoken was facing away from her, leaning an arm against the window. The lower part of the man’s face was covered by a cloth bandana - but that didn’t stop Nora’s pulse from spiking from his familiarity. 

His hair was a bit longer, more unkempt... but it was the same color. Same height. Same build. And she knew that voice. KNEW it, and knew it intimately. It didn’t matter that his back was to her, that part of his face was obscured... it hadn’t mattered when they were back at the South Boston Military Checkp-

...The Military Checkpoint. Haylen. Womack. The raiders, her fusion core exploding. The man that didn’t seem to quite belong with the other raiders there. Him unmasking himself, and-

Everything flew back to her in an instant. She grunted and shook her head slightly while blinking a few times, as if that would make sense of anything that’d happened... was still happening. 

Ignoring the protests from her stiff body, she struggled to sit up - only to discover that her left (and Pip-Boy-free) wrist was handcuffed to the metal headboard of her bed frame.

“Wha-”

Sensing some kind of pressure against her throat, her right hand instinctively flew upwards. Her eyes widened when she felt metal encircling it. So much to process all at once... almost too much. Her gaze darted back and forth from her handcuffed hand to the man that had spoken to her. 

“Take it off.”

It was a couple moments before Nora realized that the glacial order had come from her, almost not recognizing her own choked, tense voice. The man didn’t move for several seconds, then lowered his head a little.

“I thought it might be easier for you if-”

“TAKE. IT OFF,” she repeated in a sharp hiss, her teeth clenching and every part of her body tensing like a cobra preparing ready to strike. “NOW.”

The man remained stationary a bit longer - and though Nora couldn’t see the lower half of his face, she got the distinct impression that he was conflicted, weighing his next move or words very carefully. Finally, after he straightened up and let out a soft sigh, he reached up and pulled his bandana down around his neck, then slowly turned around.

Time suddenly moved in slow motion. Every bit closer he got to facing her, her anxiety increased exponentially, heart pounding in her chest. When familiar eyes - HIS eyes - finally met her own... it was as if the world stopped completely.

Her wedding photo flashed in her mind’s eye. Morning coffee at their breakfast table. Their first date. Christmases spent with family. An autumn stroll together in the park, while pushing Shaun in his baby carriage. Laughter. Stroking his cheek while laying next to him in bed. Standing together at the bathroom mirror, looking at their reflections. Sirens. Running. Fire. Terror. The roar of explosions. The vault. The cryopods. A gunshot. Nora’s screaming voice. Her fists pounding on the glass of the pod while watching Institute scientists kidnap her baby. Her husband’s corpse left behind. 

Nora cried out softly and used her free hand to grasp at her forehead, eyes squeezing shut. No, this wasn’t real. None of it was. This was all a bad dream, a hallucination, a mental break, something… she was going to take a deep breath, steel herself, then open her eyes. When she did, she’d be back in the Prydwen. Danse or Arthur or Brooks - someone would be there, be able to help her. Tell her that it’s all right. That she was safe, back amongst friends.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

‘Okay... be a dream. Please be a dream. Don’t be real.’

She was reluctant to open her eyes - and when she did, her heart sank when she saw the man still facing her bed, waiting patiently.

God.