#like i’m not even at ‘we can’t have nice things’ about it i’m still at my first reaction which is lol
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handwritten - theo nott x reader
yours and theo’s story as told through notes passed in class
a/n - came up with this quick idea to release some pent up creative energy while mulling over lucky pt 3. will prob make this an ongoing series for small ideas I can’t get fully fledged fics out of. easy to write, easy to read, enjoy!
tropes/warnings - fluff, a minor hinting at angst, newstudent!theo, estranged friends to lovers
word count - 1.5k
Monday, 10.07 am, Charms
Hey. You might want to pull your nose out of that disgusting textbook for once.
We’ve been over this. Just because you don’t understand something it doesn’t mean it’s disgusting. It’s very disrespectful.
What is disrespectful is you not paying attention to our year’s hottest new commodity - emphasis on the hot. I must say, he fills out that uniform quite nicely.
I’m sure he does.
C’mon, you’re not even a little bit curious? Just a peek?
Y/N? Hellooooooo?
Oh my god. I know the guy.
???
What is he doing here? Last I heard he was being homeschooled.
Know him how??
We went to the same primary school. We were…friends.
Riiiight.
Don’t get any ideas. I haven’t seen him since I was ten. And he looked very, very different back then. Had a ratty sort of face. I can still kind of see it, actually.
Oh, Y/N, how could you say such awful things about his beautiful face! Oh dear, that bone structure…
Quiet, you. He’s really…grown. He’s so much taller now.
You know what you should do? You should offer to help him catch up.
On five years of school?
Oh, please, he was homeschooled. He had to have learnt some things. Who is he, anyway?
Theodore Nott.
Now that’s an Old Money name if I ever heard one.
Ivy. Be nice.
So? Is he? Old money, that is.
I…suppose so.
Are you sure you two were friends?
Yes. It’s been a while, that’s all. I just…wow. I can’t believe he’s here. Like, right there. I didn’t know if I’d ever see him again.
What happened?
He moved. I was starting at Hogwarts. We lost touch, it happens.
But now he’s back! Yay! Did you see those sinfully blue eyes of his?
Ivy, you have a boyfriend.
I know. Ivan agrees, by the way.
That he’s hot?
Yes.
He’s sitting on the other side of the room. When did you have time to discuss this??
Just now. Right in front of you. What did you think all that eyebrow-waggling was about?
I thought you were having a stroke. Merlin, the two of you are perfect for each other.
Don’t change the subject. He’s not gay, is he? Your friend? All the hot ones usually are.
I wouldn’t know, now, would I? I haven’t heard anything about him in years. Ivy, leave him alone. Please don’t harass the poor guy, sexually or otherwise. And quit it with the notes. He’ll notice.
How??? Has he got eyes on the back of his very nicely shaped head? He’s busy with Flitwick anyway.
Trust me, he’ll see. Nothing gets past Theodore Nott.
Monday, 2.15 pm, Potions
Well?????
Well, what?
The chat!!! Your chat!!!!!! With Mr. Theodore Nott!!!!!!!!
You have to quit it with the caffeine. You’re far too excitable after lunch.
The chat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was fine. It was…nice.
Uh-huh.
He goes by Theo now.
Okay. I’ll pretend I care about that.
It was all very casual, very superficial. It was really just us exchanging pleasantries. Oh, right. He asked me to accompany him to Quidditch tryouts.
You??? But you hate Quidditch.
I know.
Please tell me you didn’t say that.
I didn't. I just said I didn’t know much about it.
And?
He said that didn’t matter. He just wanted me there for moral support.
Then what was with all the turning red halfway through? You looked like you were going to combust.
Was it that obvious?
Ivan had some pumpkin juice ready, just in case.
It was nothing. I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. He called me his good luck charm.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re going to rip a hole through the parchment.
AWWWWW
So?? Did you say yes??
I said I’d think about it.
BOOOOOOOO
Come on, Vee. He’s been flying since before he could walk. He always talked about joining the big leagues, you know. He knows everything there is to know about Quidditch, so of course he’ll make the team. And it’ll have nothing to do with me.
But he doesn’t even have any friends yet :(
That’s because he hasn’t talked to anyone yet.
Y’know, Romilda Vane wanted to know why he was talking to you of all people.
What’s that supposed to mean??
Eh, you know. You can be a little…snippy.
I am NOT snippy.
There it is. The snippiness.
Whatever. It’s all so pointless. Come Thursday evening, he’ll have joined the Quidditch team and he’ll be hanging out with, y’know, those people, and we’ll be ancient history. He’ll make plenty of friends. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Okay. If you say so. Also, at lunch, I finally tried that thing you’re always talking about, “applying myself,” and I found this article on his dad in the library. From 6 years ago.
Don’t you want to know what the article said?
You could have mentioned he was a death eater, you know.
I don’t care about that, by the way. You used to be friends and that’s good enough for me. But, Y/N, he was arrested six years ago. And you haven’t talked to Theo in six years. But there isn’t any kind of connection between those, is there?
Y/N?
Do not make me throw this at you. I know how you feel about paper cuts.
Tuesday, 3.03 pm, Defence Against the Dark Arts
Where’s your friend?
?
You know. Who you’re always passing notes with in class?
You noticed?
Hard not to. It makes you all fidgety and annoyed.
Yeah, well, Ivy’s an annoying person.
I’ll take your word for it. What do you have after this?
Transfiguration.
Wow. That’s one of the harder ones, isn’t it?
Er, depends on who you ask, I think.
Still brilliant as ever, then.
Shut up. I’m not half the swot I was in primary school.
I never thought you were a swot. You were just…enthusiastic.
That’s sweet of you to say, Theo.
Huh. I thought I’d always be Teddy to you.
We’re not ten anymore, Theo. I can say your name perfectly now.
That’s good. So, have you thought about it?
Thought about what?
The Quidditch tryouts. You’re the only person I know here so you have to say yes.
I don’t know. Some of the girls look pretty interested in getting to know you.
What?
Nothing. I guess I could swing by for a short while.
That’s my girl.
Thursday, 8.37 pm, Common Room
SO?????
He got in. Obviously. Was there ever any doubt?
Did he run up to you? Did he hug you? Did he pick you up and spin you around???
Witch Weekly is a bad influence on you.
Details, please.
He hugged me. Kind of. Nearly tackled me, he was so excited.
you are SO his good luck charm!!!!!!
Friday, 11.17 am, Defence Against the Dark Arts
Witch Weekly?
It’s not mine. I’m holding it for a friend.
Right.
Really, I am. Ivy’s a fiend for these but she has this Charms test coming up that she absolutely cannot fail.
I believe you. ‘Top 6 Magical Contraceptives for the Modern Witch’ doesn’t sound like your kind of reading material.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I was only having a little fun.
I’m not embarrassed. Are you embarrassed?
Erm, no, but you’re very red. Do you need to see the Healer?
I’m fine. It’s just hot. And no one calls Madam Pomfrey ‘the Healer,’ by the way.
Ah. I see.
Is there a point to all this? Did you need to ask something?
Oh, right. What are you up to on Saturday night?
Saturday? Dunno…wanted to take a crack at that Transfiguration essay.
Excellent. I’ll pick you up at 8.
Oh?
It’s nothing. A couple of the guys on the team wanted to celebrate with drinks at Hogsmeade. Everyone’s bringing someone, and I thought it would be nice if you came. Being my good luck charm, and all.
Oh, Theo, you probably don’t know this since you’re new and all, but going down to Hogsmeade is only permissible on certain weekends. And only start a couple of weeks into the term, so not yet.
Did you just -? Oh my god, you did. You laughed at me. You laughed at my note. Out loud. You’re lucky you’re in Slytherin, you know. Snape usually goes absolutely ballistic if anyone interrupts his lesson.
I’m sorry, I forgot what a stickler you were. I just - I didn’t think I’d miss it.
Please, Theo, forget the drinks. I cannot in good conscience stand by and let you break so many rules. You’ve been here less than a week!
Guess you’ll have to keep an eye on me. Make sure I stay out of trouble.
Exactly.
Great. See you Saturday at 8.
#theo nott x reader#theo nott#theodore nott#theodore nott x reader#theodore nott x y/n#theodore nott x you#theodore nott fluff
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Just Try Your Best (GGG Fic)
“NO I DON'T WANNA!!”
The shriek was so loud it rustled Cobigail out a nap in her leaves with a jolt. “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”
Before Cobigail could take a look herself a little girl came bolting into the closet where her domain resided. The girl was red in the face with her brows scrunched up and immediately sat down where she was with her arms crossed, grumbling to herself, completely oblivious to where she ran off to it seemed. A prime target for a prank. Quietly, carefully, Cobigail leaned over her and threw out her hands while making her signature scary face.
“BOO!!!” The little girl screamed and covered her eyes with her hands.
“Ahaha! Gotcha good! Well hello little thing. Hope I didn’t spook you too much?”
After realizing she was ok she carefully parted her fingers to look upon the cheeky prankster of a harvest god.
“Noooooo.”
“Heh, well aren’t you a brave one! Not many your age can say they barely jumped at a prank from me. What’s your name kiddo?” “Parri…” “Well lovely to meet you Parri. Say what brings you to my humble abode.”
“I just wanted to get away from my teacher.” the little girl, Parri, crossed her arms again and furrowed her brow.
“Oh? Why is that? I thought she was nice.”
“It’s cause she wants me to sing a stupid song with the rest of my class. And I don’t wanna.”
She stomped her foot and threw her arms in the air in a little tantrum. Cobigail cocked her head a little and put her hands where her hips would be… if she had them.
“Now wait a minute little lady. A stupid song? I know plenty of songs, but I can’t really think of a stupid one.”
Parri groaned and frowned harder, “You wouldn’t get it. I hate singing, I hate being here, and my teacher is mean to try and make me sing in some concert I don’t even want to be a part of.”
A flash of memory comes through of similar kids not wanting to take part in shows or community gatherings. A sudden change in their excitement to be on stage, glee to anger. Rarely was it a genuine loss of enjoyment for music but rather something a little more, some problem outside the classroom in their lives. The part of Cobigail that remembers teaching kids like this knew that behavior all too well.
She shrank down as much as she could and leaned over, to try and be closer to the little girl’s level.
“Hey now, I’m sure you don’t mean all of that.”
“Yeah well I do.”
“What specifically don’t you like about singing with your class?”
“Um… the… crowd, and the song is bad. Like… slow.” she fumbled around for the right words but eventually fell quiet, caught red handed in her fib.
“Parri, I promise you can tell me what’s bothering you. I won’t tell a soul. The concert’s here are for the community and are a way to bring everyone together, doesn’t that sound fun?” “...” Parri looked away from Cobigail down at her feet. “My momma can’t come to the concert tomorrow… and I don't know anyone else here. I’m gonna be all alone. I d-dont wanna perform alone.”
Cobigail’s gaze softened and she gently put a large finger on the child’s shoulder. “And you’re afraid?”
Parri nodded, her big eyes welled with tears threatening to break and pour over her little cheeks. Without warning she pulls herself around and holds onto Cobigail’s hand, thankfully missing the thorns on her arm and starts to cry. “W-w-we j-just m-m-moved. And I-I d-dont have f-f-friends here.”
How long had it been since someone cried to her like this or looked to her for comfort?
“Shhh… There there. It's alright. Let it out.” Cobigail soothed while carefully stroking her hair with another hand, she was so small, last time she did something like this she was sure the child was bigger in her grasp. Probably squeezing her waist while she stroked their hair and tried to calm them down, being a supportive presence in their lives.
What did she do back then?
A memory of holding a crying child to her came forth, they had lost a pet recently and the grief was still fresh on their mind. She held them close apologizing to them and while they cried in her arms she started humming, something slow. She didn’t remember the name.
She came back to the present as Parri hugged her finger tighter and buried her face into it. While Cobigail held her and gently hummed what bits of the song she could recall and made up the rest. Parri cried for a while, until the sobs trailed off to small snotty sniffles.
“Do you feel a little better?” Cobigail asked.
She felt the little girl nod against her finger.
“I know you said you're scared of performing alone. But you are braver than you think Parri. And you won’t be alone, this will be a good chance to get to know other people in the community… other kids like you.”
“W-what if I mess up the song and they make fun of me?”
“You wouldn’t be the first person to make a mistake, Parri.” Cobigail laughed a little, “Oh boy. One time I missed a whole line of a song when I was little you know. Some time around your age I think.”
“What happened?” “Well I sure was embarrassed but no one laughed or made fun of it. The show went on and people congratulated me on the performance.”
“Even when you messed up?”
“Yes, cause I kept singing and finished the show. They were proud of me for doing my best.” Cobigail carefully brushed a bit of hair out of Parri’s face with a smile. “And I think even if you mess up a little, people will be proud of you too, just for trying.”
“You think so?”
“I know so, I bet you will even make some friends too. Wouldn’t that be nice?”
“Yeah…” Parri nodded a little. “I still dont wanna go alone though… I wish my mom could come but she works...”
After a moment of thinking Parri looked up at her, still holding onto her finger. “Can you come? Please.”
Cobigail thought for a moment, “... Parri, I will see your show. You may not see me, but I will be cheering you on, don't worry.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Pinky promise.”
“Hehe kid, my pinky is bigger than your whole body!”
“Oh. Well then, cross your heart?”
“Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a corn cob in my eye. Bleh!”
She made a silly face while miming poking herself in the eye and Parri giggled from where she sat in Cobigail’s hand.
“See, look at you smilin’ away! Make sure you wear one for the show ok. I’ll be watching!”
“Ok ok! I will.”
“Good, I know you're goin’ to do great. Now you should probably go back to class, the day is nearly over and I’m sure your teacher is worried.”
She carefully placed Parri back on the soft cloud floor so she could leave.
“Ok, miss. Thank you for making me feel better.”
“Of course, always happy to help whenever you need. Oh, one last thing.”
“Yeah?”
“BOO!”
“AH!!! Hehehe!!!!! Boo!” “Ha!! Great job!” and with that Parri was sent off back to her classroom through the closet door.
True to her word, it was the end of the class day and the teacher was very worried about how long Parri spent in the closet with their god. (Only a little worried about whether or not the girl was eaten though, and more so worried about what to tell her mother if she was.)
When the next day rolled around and towards the evening when the shadows were long. The kids from the small choir school in Milldread gathered in the center of town to sing a few songs, to show the community what they learned so far in the year.
As the performance went on from where Parri stood amongst her classmates scanning the crowd she could see the figure of Cobigail above her altar watched from a distance, like another member of the audience.
And when the songs were sung and the people clapped, a wind rustled the arms of the figure making it look as if she was doing the same. Congratulating this little girl for doing her very best.
#ggg#great god grove#cobigail#cobigail great god grove#sort of oc parri#she's kinda just a random name#god I love this game#cobigail is the best#fluff
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Well this is embarrassing. For everyone.
#including me tbh#they have to re-name the entire show!#like i’m not even at ‘we can’t have nice things’ about it i’m still at my first reaction which is lol#‘ok so the show will be better than ever but just quickly we have to rename ‘pinky and the brain’ just ‘the brain’ i guess#‘turner and hooch’ is now just ‘turner’ and there’s no dog now he’s just some guy but i’m sure i’ll be fine’#‘lois and clark’ is being re-branded as ‘clark kent: reporter!’ but this in no way changes the show!’#i mean before you get into the way they promoted this show as firmly in the paperback romance genre - i’m still stuck on it:#they have to RE-NAME the entire SHOWWWW#i guess that tweet that was like answering fundraising with ‘how much to ensure miss scarlet and the duke bang it out friend’#didn’t raise enough to keep martin on staff loooool#anyway pour one out for the production office having quite a week i’m sure#miss scarlet and the duke
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obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog
Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force 😂❤️
Can‘t believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D
#guys help is it time for a rebranding?? am I just gonna post about f1 now??#I still can’t believe this has all started because bestie and I were watching Ted Lasso (because I’ve been obsessed with that show for a#while now too) and I paused the episode to talk about how I really like the way Jamie interacts with kids (I’m sorry people being good with#and nice to kids is one of my weaknesses I work with kids now and have been invested in treating kids well forever)#so me saying that apparently reminded her of max and she showed me a video of him with p and yeah it was very effective in making me like#him and then we left the episode on pause and she told me a lot about f1 and max specifically cause I was interested now lmao (funny thing#is that she also got roped into it by our other friends I swear it’s speeding lmao#she also compared him to Jamie from Ted lasso (if you know you know) and showed me some heart wrenching Taylor swift edits (i haven’t#emotionally recovered yet) and yeah that’s how I started consuming way too much f1 content on YouTube and got into this whole mess lmao#oh yeah our friends also made me and another friend make a Tier list for all the drivers based on vibes alone (cause I only knew a bit about#max at that time and the other one knew nothing really) which was very funny too#especially looking back at it (we did some of them so dirty lmao 😂)#I’ve also come to the conclusion that tumblr is still one of the least annoying platforms to engage with other people (still)#YouTube is full of hate comments about drivers and stuff it’s so annoying actually#not to mention Twitter but I don’t go there and probably never will 😂#I personally don’t enjoy fics and scenarios and shipping of real people cause it makes me a bit uncomfy (not judging people who do#you do you as long as it doesn’t negatively affect anyone#but yeah I’d much rather just scroll by those here than have to look away from all the mindless hate and which driver is better discussions#everywhere else like I’m not one to engage with stuff like that but it does upset me to some#degree so yeah tumblr making memes and being rather positive about their drivers (most of what I’ve seen here of course there are gonna be#annoying people everywhere) is much more tolerable and a lot more enjoyable for me#whoops this post got away from me again oh dear#I’ve had the idea for a meme stuck in my head for days now: Max verstappen but make it if you don’t love me at my *swearing on team radio#giving spicy replies and attitude to the media maxplaining and complaining going for risky overtakes* you don’t deserve me at my *precious#interactions with p talking about his cats being a goofball with other drivers and especially danny defending other drivers driving#beautifully in the rain* it’s a package deal you can’t just pick and choose and personally I don’t even get why people complain about some#of the other stuff I appreciate someone who’s passionate and honest and genuinely kind where it matters 🤷🏻♀️#I think I’ve seen someone else say that but the more people complain about and criticize max the more I feel the need to defend him#god forbid women have hobbies for real (can’t believe I’ve yapped so much I can’t put more tags 💀)#also shoutout to Oscar Piastri and Danny Ric (I was so happy Oscar won even tho McLaren where being very silly in a not so funny way)
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I don’t want wholesome non binary characters, give them a bomb
Me and my friend are having a debate
#animaniacs#animaniacs 2020#wakko warner#warner siblings#wb kids#I can’t even remember the tags I’d use for this stuff yikes#it’s been so long my little bab I love you so much#because I do such a long shift on Saturday I work with 2 different teams#and we usually have a good conversation flow so your not repeating yourself all day to different people#but yesterday me being non binary kept organically coming up and idk it was good#I get misgenderd I’m work quite a lot#and even though I came out long before working there and talk about stuff in the lgbtq+ community a lot#a lot of people still presume I’m hetro and all the heteronormative steriotype stuff on me and my friend groups#so like idk it was nice to get stuff off my chest but also I’m still unsure it’s a safe space tbh#but anyway I stayed up later and did this little scouser as a like vent thing#it’s not my best but I’m happy with it
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~ ~ ~
#today I am sad about something that I know objectively is dumb#my 30th birthday is next week and the party will be next Saturday and I’m having a dinner at a nice restaurant in town#I wasn’t supposed to make it to 30 and never thought I would but now somehow I have and so this birthday is like…#a really huge deal to me you know#and I always wanted to be able to have a big party to celebrate this specific occasion and in my head I pictured all my friends/family there#I figured this would be one of the biggest parties I’d ever get to throw because to me this is the biggest milestone I’ve gotten to so far#but out of all the people I’ve invited the most that will probably reasonably show is about 10#and even that’s a bit iffy because tbh I’m pretty sure my bestie will flake on me like he always does#and if he doesn’t show up that might just end the friendship but that’s another matter entirely#also iffy because I haven’t gotten a lot of responses still even though I made the event and sent invites two weeks ago#I just… thought I had more friends than that if that makes sense#like I had bigger parties with more people attending in high school and I barely had any friends then#I’ve thrown low key Halloween parties in my mom’s apartment that had more people show up#now I’m at the most important moment of my life (so far) and I’ll barely have anyone with me#lately it just feels like less and less people care about me for real despite how many I know around work or how many are on my Facebook#it feels like my world keeps shrinking and I really don’t want that because it’s been small enough as it is#I just feel like I’m never really going to find my place or have big groups of friends like everyone else#I’m never going to have a group of friends or people I can rely on to spend time with me when needed#as it is planning things gets harder the older we get anyway just due to needing to tend to adult life#guess I still just want what everyone else has and I don’t know why I can’t have those things#and I know it’s stupid and selfish and whiny but I really want to cry because I’m so depressed that I have barely anyone in my life at all#barely anyone to celebrate something so important to me and so few who even seem to care at all either#I’m grateful for everyone I do have honestly#but that doesn’t offset this weird pain in my chest over this whole situation#maybe I should just curl up and cry until this all passes and I can go back to pretending it doesn’t matter#personal
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.
#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it#my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with#and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l#lovely?#bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am#glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone#since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life#he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even#harder now. in others he is easier.#he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken#about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better#my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he#hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his#personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the#nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off#he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he#still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay#long when you call in to see her?#whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael.#not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart#i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him
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misc avery thoughts: once again thinking about casual physical affection,, like every time me and luci are in the same room inevitably we end up as an amalgamation of touch starved weirdos (affectionate)
#i don’t even have to ask anymore it’s so nice#obvs if I’m unsure about something I’ll still ask permission first#but generally it’s just like#if we’re sitting together we will probably end up a human pretzel#or it’s just stuff like holding hands while crossing the street without a word#rip to the people at the baltimore aquarium#who were probably scandalized and thought we were one of those lovey dovey couples that can’t stop touching each other#jokes on you we are not dating and never will for various reasons#probably a topic for another post but that’s another thing I absolutely love about being queer#I don’t have to abide by stupid rules about how much I can love my friends#fuck you I’ll give my friends forehead kisses if I want#I can just love and love and love and never run out
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Not crying and being guilt ridden again :))))))
#tgdposts#personal#when I can’t articulate to people around me so it results in my mind confronting me#(confronting is a strong word here but I digress)#about me struggling to make any decision regarding my future#and on a lesser note being guilt ridden when I’m unable to meet with people because I’m trying to be productive but then I’m unable to be#productive and oh why weren’t we able to meet up but if I share it it just seems like I was being fucking lazy and fuck I hate this#and fuck it’s hard to talk to my dad like he’s a nice guy but I know he doesn’t really understand and sometimes it’s just hard to explain#things with the weight they have in my heart you know?#it’s so hard to explain that I’m not just procrastinating or being a jobless useless bum I don’t even know how to bring that up#and even if doc gives me ideas things to help me those are still things I need to implement myself and that too is hard to initiate#and talking about all of it just makes me feel like a guilty useless shithead#and I know it’s not true but that doesn’t make me feel it any less#from the outside of my brain it just seems like I’m making up my own problems#how do you even talk about that#anyway#I’m going to bed now I’m tired#if you read this I appreciate you for listening to me#you guys are great#<3#mental illness#I guess might as well tag it as this#rant#vent#vent post#summer is lowkey my worst season mentally lowkey which is kind of sad if you think about it
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feeling so emotional after the most fun wonderful and healing weekend 🥹
#i say weekend but it’s more the last couple days#slowly starting to process luke’s show on thursday and truly just feeling so much#the songs i hadn’t heard at boston calling were coincidentally the ones i was the most excited to hear and ahhh it was incredible#like place in me and comedown and i’m still your boy#i have no words#also!! motion!!#i did not expect to leave that show and have motion be one of my favourite moment of the night#it had been so long since i had so much fun in a crowd everyone was so hype<3#the pure joy i felt in that moment and how that was reciprocated by the people around me#priceless#starting line<3 still can’t believe i got to hear my favourite song in the world<3#fun fact i went to the show with my mom after my friend couldn’t go anymore#her coming to my rescue when i was starting to have doubts about going alone<3#and she loved it so much 😭#guys i love my mom#we made a whole weekend out of it and it was so nice#when i say this whole experience was so healing that’s part of it#to like have this much fun and to share that with my mom meant so much more to me than i realized#she knows wfttwtaf well and it was so cute to see her excited when she recognized a song 😭#also experiencing mum with my mom was indescribable#i just hugged her the whole time and kinda blacked out actually#so yeah!!!! this show turned out to be so much more than i could ever imagined#super happy with my experience with this tour and choosing to do boston calling and a show too#i can’t even talk about luke he was so perfect<3#more thoughts on this later when i reblog things probably
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not the real life embargo on talking abt Panathir
#annikuh’s speakin#actually incredibly upset abt this. the man gets so upset hearing abt this character so much that I just can’t talk abt him anymore lol#christ whatever man whatever truly whatever#I’m gonna go fucking crazy not being able to mention anything having to do with him (which is everything I’m working on rn)#but I’d rather that than hear this man call for pan’s execution & call Jax stupid for staying with him#fucking whatever man#too upset to even be angry about it like fine you dont have to read anything I’ve been writing for the last few months it’s fine fuck me#even if the story is nice like pan’s genuinely doing a nice thing it doesn’t matter bc this man will still see it as manipulative or sumn#fine that’s fine—art imitates life imitates art#doesn’t matter what a nepherit does—they’ll always being fuckin evil right? what’s the point then.#crazy how that’s the main conflict for both of the twins—we just out here reinforcing I guess#whatever man whatever truly whatever
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life is falling through my fingers more that usually
#i’ve been in a pretty much constant state of panic since january#and it’s gotten worse recently bc of 1. thesis writing (or lack thereof)#2. administrative problems at uni that i caused due to the constant state of anxiety and depression#like whyyyy do things like going to the uni office send me spiraling like nothing else#and i’ve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore#like i’m light headed in the worst way and i think if one thing goes badly i’ll genuinely fall down crying#and i can’t seem to do anything productive bc of the anxiety either#ok i checked usos. the administrative problem got more or less solved#oh thank god#i love depression loveee it love causing problems for myself that i later have to bother other people about bc i can’t solve them by myself#esp when you have to admit to them that mental illness is what caused them bc even when they’re sympathetic and nice about it i still feel#like such a pathetic idiot my god#also i’ve been thinking a lot abt how a pattern that repeats in my life is the lack of closure#from silly things to more serious ones#like how i didn’t attend my elementary school graduation nor the hs one#the first one bc of travelling and the second bc of covid#so i just closed my laptop and then went to pick up my diploma after matura results and that was it i never saw any of my teachers or#thanked them etc#and how all my friendships that died out were this kind of sudden drop like nothing happened but we just stopped talking one day and that#was it and idk where we stand#and how i seem to leave loose threads everywhere i go and i can’t tell if it’s just a coincidence or if i do that on purpose but#unconciously so as to not have to deal with things ending bc that scares me#i’ve never felt grounded in any moment and it’s so strange#also yeah yeah weird behaviour meant to save me from abandonment whatever#📓#niedziela wieczór i humor popsuty co mogę powiedzieć
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i do not know if i ever sent this to you. i have posted it. i hope you like it Princess.
#uhhhhhm no you HAVE NOT SENT THIS TO ME BEFORE?!?!#I literally am speechless#I’m not super talky right now#but even if I was I feel like I’d still be fucking speechless#like I already said I love your writing 🩷#and it fucking BLOWS ME AWAY when people write about me or use me as an inspiration#like????????? what??????? me???????????!#I’m going to keep this close to my heart and look at it whenever I’m feeling down#I don’t remember if I said that already but it’s true#I need to get a journal or a cute box to put things like this in so I can just grab it and look through them when I’m feeling shitty#one thing I needed to say is the fact that you shared this with me now of all times??? is kinda crazy to me#idk if it’s a coincidence or if the universe/God/whoever/whatever is trying to tell me to go back into music and singing#not going to go into it too much but I’ve been looking at my life a lot lately#and I’m realizing I’m not getting any younger…. I know I’m still young but if I don’t do something soon -#my life is going to completely pass before my eyes and I really really don’t want that#I’m *finally* going to get mental help soon (long story but I have to wait a few weeks)#and once I’m actually mentally stable I can focus on what I want to do with my life#so I’ve been thinking a lot about my performing arts background and then randomly a get an email from a choir director I know#asking if I could please join the choir for their Easter performance cause they could really use my high notes#and she just kept complimenting me and it felt really nice ☺️#then when I went to the first rehearsal I sat next to this girl and we were singing a part and the first sopranos go up to a high A#and I can hit it easily but most of them couldn’t so it felt like I was going this mini solo lol#but she asks me what my range is and I told her that back when I trained I could sing queen of the night which I think goes up to an F6#and she was talking about how impressive that is#and it made me think about if I actually trained and got back into it how good I actually could get#I don’t mean this to be like ‘look at me look at me I’m so good’#it just feels nice to have a little bit of a direction again#who knows if I’ll actually go down the music path again but it does sound damn exciting#I miss it with all my heart - I miss singing and performing and acting… I even miss music theory#anyway rant over and i ran out of space but thank you so much I seriously can’t thank you enough 😭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
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These two days are going to be actual hell on earth
#I’m actually so fucking anxious about going to see my family#like it’s always nerve wracking and over stimulating and miserable#but I haven’t seen them since January#and they’re all acting super excited and like it’s gonna be fun but ik it’s gonna be the same it always is#which is tense and weird and awkward because we don’t talk to each other and know we don’t like each other#and I’m even MORE nervous than usual this time because I got a tattoo on my forearm since I last saw them#it’s a tattoo I can’t cover up that none of them know about#and I’m like what if this is it? what if this is the last straw for them?#and this is what finally leads to it all boiling over and them going ‘we KNOW you’re a lesbian and we KNOW you don’t go to church and we’re#NOT going to ignore it anymore because you did this PERMANENT THING that goes against our beliefs’#and then I will have a reaction to that. I’m not even sure what reaction but there will Be one#or will my mother and grandmother’s intense denial and desire for everything to be like it was when I was kid win out?#will they sweep it under the rug and not acknowledge it like everything else and pretend it’s all fine and we’re a big happy family#and I’m not going to hell and living a sinful life?#and my fucking sister is messaging me about meeting her bf#as if this matters. as if we’re close. as if it has any bearing on anything#as if I will still be an actual part of this family by the time she’s old enough to get married#uuugggghhhhhhhh#part of me wants it to go great and be nice and actually have a decent relationship#but I just know that’s not what is going to happen#and it’s so. blech. gross. ugh#I hate family stuff I wish they’d just hurry up and disown me so at least I know where we all stand#I’ve got t minus four days to finish mentally preparing#kaz rambles
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just got home from school ~ ate a sandwich to cheer myself up, think i’ll play genshin for a bit and nap ... pulling on shenhe’s banner solves everything
#oh wait i'll give you a mark then! but wait no its still wrong nvm#venting a little because i’m just so bummed and silly and i was in such a good mood yesterday so like how did we get here#i failed my math test and that set my mood for the rest of the day which is dumb i know but aghh#the teacher had us add all our grades and then i was like wait theres this one question i think you mightve marked wrongly#and for a sec he was like that was so embarrassing LOL#i got a 26/30 for history — something i didn’t revise for. i got a 20/20 for my eng lit test. plus bc i did so well on my en oral exam-#-(got full marks btw) i’m being nominated to participate in this speaking thing. when my homeroom teacher found out abt this she even said:#“yeah‚ i expected mika to be a good speaker because everytime she speaks to me i...” and it was a really nice thing to hear but even after-#-all that i’m still so sad. i studied for my math exam i really did. so why did i still fail. i didn’t even pass my class this time#i prepared for a week beforehand. looked at past questions and learned things i never thought i would grasp. asked friends for help & i-#-paid attention in class i wrote down notes i did practice questions why was that not enough. looked up proper study methods and tried to-#-balance everything nicely! so why did i still fail‚ right? and i feel so disappointed in myself.#of course i made the mistake of lightheartedly complaining about this to my straight A & A* student‚ beloved by teachers‚ prefect friend#“you’ll do better! it’s not that bad!” i’m so tired. i know i’m an awful friend for being so bitter but i can’t-#-endure myself any longer. and i got home and i ate a sandwich with my sister and mom at the table and-#-my sister made a comment about how ahhh she’s in a bad mood again cuz it’s a monday !! and i hate that i’m so obviously down. i don’t-#-wish to ruin the mood or anything so like#and i have my malay oral exam tomorrow and i wrote my script wrongly apparently so i have to redo that#i’ve given up on memorizing it i just hate going to school now#and then ahhhh another project another presentation i’m so sick of this so sick of myself#i should have put this at the very start but umm! anyways please don’t reply to this or try to reassure me i appreciate it i really do but-#-i just needed a place to be silly and its already kind of embarrassing enough! so just acknowledge this and move on. thanks. love u guys#cw vent#cw negative
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every other professor whenever there are final presentations/performances/speeches/whatever that everyone has to do: hey presentations start on this day; we’ll take volunteers and try to get through as many as possible in one day, so this’ll probably take about 2 class periods if all goes well
this one professor: there are 6 groups that need to present. the presentation should be about 15 minutes. this class period is 50 minutes. therefore instead of doing 3 presentations per class period and getting through all of these in 2 classes making it so that y’all can get out of here an extra 2 days early we will schedule 2 presentations per class and stretch this thing out all the way until friday because i just know i’m the last thing keeping you here. it is locked in. also you cannot leave if your group has already presented you have to stay and listen to everyone else’s. i value your time a lot
#like ok i kinda get it .? but 3 presentations that are each at most 15 minutes would total 45 minutes we could handle that in one class#she’s the kind of person who always wants class to get out early she never likes taking up the full 50 minutes which is valid#except in this circumstance i feel like a LOT of us would rather just cram these all in and take a bit longer each day#because the payoff of leaving early at the end of the semester is very appealing to a lot of us#however i can’t really complain about her because this is the same prof who graciously agreed to move our final online#that otherwise would’ve been on the 16th which REALLY would’ve been the last thing holding me here#for an extra week and a half. after today. for no other reason#like i’m already getting to go home way earlier than i should but still! it would’ve been nice#although perhaps i shouldn’t be saying this because i am one of those two groups that’s going on friday lol#and our presentation isn’t quite done yet so we couldn’t have gone today even if she would’ve let us#but y’know if we had been told we were presenting earlier we could’ve gotten it done hey#we’re just not gonna do the work until the last minute we have to right#peach rambles
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