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totowlff · 1 year ago

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chapter fourteen — even three, four, or five

➝ it's time to cassie and toto discover a little more about their 'little bean'

➝ word count: 3,9k

➝ warnings: mentions of medical procedures, christian horner

➝ author’s note: i know it took us too long, but cassie is finally back, and with news!

14 WEEKS Many moms-to-be begin to feel hungrier, more energetic and less nauseous as early pregnancy symptoms start to subside. Meanwhile, your baby's getting chubbier by the day, and may be starting to sprout some hair.

— Are you nervous? — Toto leaned over to ask Cassie, as they sat in adjoining chairs in the waiting room of the obstetrics clinic — Because I am.

— No, I wasn’t even thinking about it — Cassie said, dryly — I was trying to think of what to make for dinner later.

Toto’s expression turned to confusion as he turned his head to the left a bit to glance at the woman in the chair beside him.

— You can’t be serious…

Cassie sighed.

— Of course I’m nervous, Toto. I’m trying not to be, but… I just keep thinking that something is wrong. I don’t know why. I hope I’m just being paranoid. Plus, I’m kind of hoping we… Find out the sex today.

Cassie put one of her hands on her belly. She was starting to show more clearly — it no longer looked like she had some bad gas or a big lunch. She had opted to start wearing leggings and long shirts to work, because her work trousers and jeans no longer fit. She hadn’t started shopping for maternity clothes, but was a bit hesitant about actually wearing them yet, at least until she disclosed the pregnancy. She hadn’t yet told her colleagues, resolving to do so after the 14th week scan that she and Toto were on their way to.

The pregnancy seemed to be arriving at the stages where Cassie felt undeniably pregnant, and not like she was experiencing a persistent mild flu. The morning sickness had stopped, but instead, Cassie felt ravenously hungry, and was experiencing a strange pain around her hips that her doctor said was apparently an expected symptom. She had started doing some gentle yoga to help relieve the pain, and had discovered the joy of a nightly warm bath.

They’d discussed the sex of their baby when the idea of pregnancy was just something theoretical — something they both wanted and were looking forward to, but not yet reality.

Like most parents, their preference was for a healthy baby, and sex was a secondary matter. Still, it didn’t stop Cassie from daydreaming of a little girl.

She’d never gotten along with boys, for the most part. She had always preferred to play with her sister over her brother, and until university, her brother was the only boy she’d spent a significant amount of time with. She’d gone to an all-girls school growing up and, even in the present day, she had a much better relationship with her sister than her brother. And, though it was anecdotal, she remembered her sister-in-law having a much easier time with her three girls than Helena had with Tommy. He was a sweet boy at age 4, but was somewhat of a terror when he was a baby.

For Toto’s part, he was also hoping for a girl. His sister had three boys that Toto adored — and were very nice when Cassie had met them — but said he could more clearly envision a daughter than a son. Cassie also suspected that Toto was also probably a bit swayed by his mother remarking that she still wanted a granddaughter.

But, if it was their destiny to have a boy, so be it. Cassie just hoped the baby would get Toto’s dimples.

They had scheduled Cassie’s 14-week scan for an afternoon during a week with no races. Toto felt so horrible about being late for Cassie’s first ultrasound that he had his assistant block off his entire day after lunch, and they would be going to Cassie’s flat after the appointment to talk about their preparations for the baby while they had dinner together.

Toto wanted to drive her, but Cassie insisted that they each take their own cars.

— What will people say if they see us leaving the factory together, in your car, and early?

— Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me — Toto said, shrugging. Seeing Cassie's incredulous expression, he continued — Really, it’s not anyone’s business.

But then, Cassie pointed out that driving separately would save them a trip back to the factory after their appointment to pick up her car

Toto left a few minutes ahead of Cassie, but waited for her in the clinic’s car park so that they could go in together. It felt nice, as did being back to an exam room as “Miss Aldersey and Mr. Wolff”. “If only it were Mr. and Mrs. Wolff”, Cassie’s mind supplied, unhelpfully. Cassie followed the now-familiar routine of lowering her pants and hiking up her shirt before her obstetrician, Dr. Reynolds, knocked on the door and walked in.

— Good afternoon, Miss Aldersey, Mr Wolff — she said, giving them each a handshake in greeting. As she washed her hands and prepared the ultrasound equipment, she asked Cassie about the progress of her pregnancy — Any excessive pain, or unusual bleeding?

— No — Cassie said, as the doctor turned off the lights. Cassie, then, felt Toto gently squeeze her hand. He was perched on a stool next to the exam table — Just the pain around my hips and belly that we talked about at my last appointment, but taking a warm bath helps when it gets really bad.

— Good — Dr. Reynolds said, as she started to smear Cassie’s belly with gel — All of those ligaments are starting to stretch and loosen as your body goes through so many changes. Some gentle stretching or yoga is also helpful. Now, let’s hope your baby is cooperative today so we can get some good images.

As the doctor was getting the transducer ready, Cassie caught sight of Toto out of the corner of her eye. His eyes were fixed directly on her belly, his expression inscrutable.

— Something wrong? — Cassie asked.

— No, I just… I hadn’t realized how much you’re, um… Showing, until now — Toto said, quietly. He looked sheepish, and if the light in the room wasn’t so dim, Cassie would swear she could see him blushing — You’ve been wearing those bigger shirts and dresses lately at work, so this is the first time I’ve seen you like this. You look… Beautiful.

He brought the hand he was holding to his lips and gently kissed her fingers, and Cassie could feel herself blushing, but before she could say anything, the doctor had started the scan, and both of them turned their attention to the monitor.

A grainy, pulsing, black-and-white image displayed on the screen as the doctor passed the transducer over Cassie’s belly.

— Okay, let’s see where we are…

The blurring resolved into a definite image, the profile of something that looked like the profile of a baby’s head appearing. Cassie’s breath caught in her throat for a moment, and she thought she felt Toto’s gentle hold on her hand tighten. The last scan she had was too early in her pregnancy for anything to show other than something small, peculiar, and alien-looking, but now…

— It’s our baby — Toto whispered. Cassie smiled and took her eyes off the screen to look up at Toto. He was transfixed, a smile on his face as he watched the baby’s movements. After a moment, his eyes started shining, reflecting the light of the ultrasound screen in the darkness.

Cassie squeezed his hand.

— Are you okay? — she whispered. But even as she asked, she knew exactly what he was feeling, because she felt it, too; the surreal enormity, the hope, the fear, all of it at once. Toto squeezed her hand back, and he glanced back down at Cassie. He tried to hide a sniffle, but it was unsuccessful.

The doctor took some measurements, and explained that, at least at first glance, everything looked to be going as expected.

— Now, you can’t always see it at this point in gestational development, but do you want to know the sex, if we can see it?

Cassie briefly glanced at Toto, each of them seeming to ask the other’s permission.

— Yes, I think we both wanted to find out today, if we can — Cassie said, and Toto nodded.

The doctor moved the transducer to the other side of Cassie’s belly, squinting at the screen once more. Cassie watched, feeling like she should know exactly what she was looking at, but all she saw were more blurry, undulating lines.

— Let’s see… Ah, there we go. Now, again, it’s not always the most accurate at this point, and we’ll confirm when you’re further along, but — Dr. Reynolds said, pointing at something on the console screen. Cassie squinted to see what the doctor was pointing at, apparently seeing something specific in the monochrome mass of pulsating shapes — You can see the two legs here, and if you look at this bit here, you see how it’s parallel to the spine? That means, more than likely, you’ll be having a little girl.

Cassie felt her entire body flood with warmth, and felt Toto squeezing her hand, but after that, things barely registered for a few moments. She hadn’t dared to get her hopes up that her intuition had been correct. She had done some cursory searches online to see how people thought they could tell, and every method described seemed like an old wives’ tale, and that she’d have to try and summon the patience to simply wait.

After a moment, she thought to look at Toto to see what he thought. He’d also mentioned that he would want a girl if he had a choice — but, like Cassie, would simply be content with a healthy, happy baby — and his joy was plain to see in the expression on his face. Many would call Toto a difficult man to read, but Cassie never thought so, particularly when he was happy or excited about something. When he was genuinely happy, it seemed like his smile spread to every part of his face. The subtle dimples in his cheeks would emerge, and his nose would scrunch in a way that Cassie always thought made him look even more handsome.

By the look on Toto’s face as he looked at Cassie, he was overjoyed.

— Toto — Cassie said, feeling her voice starting to waver and her eyes start to fill with tears — We’re having a girl!

Dr. Reynolds smiled as she continued taking the last of the images she needed.

— Congratulations, mum and dad. I am guessing that was what you were hoping for?

Cassie opened her mouth to respond, but Toto got to it sooner.

— Yes, we discussed it a while ago. Of course, we’d be happy with a healthy baby of either sex, but — Toto turned to look down at Cassie again, the expression on his face so tender and happy that it made Cassie’s insides feel like jelly — I think from the start, both of us imagined having a little girl. And I have three nephews, so… The whole family was hoping for a girl.

Whatever Toto was telling the doctor after that point, Cassie wasn’t sure. She felt like she was floating from then on, even as Dr. Reynolds finished up the remainder of the appointment, gave her some instructions, and sent her to schedule her next ultrasound.

As she and Toto left the clinic and walked to where they’d each parked their cars in the parking lot, she felt a strange electric frisson between them, no doubt caused by the way he kept a hand tenderly around her lower back as they walked along the sidewalk outside of the clinic, but she knew that it was just him being nice, playing his role as the good partner-but-not. She felt an almost desperate urge to envelop him in a hug, to reach up and kiss him right there, regardless of who would see, but she shoved it down.

— So, um… Your place, right? — Toto said, as they got to where they’d parked next to each other.

— What? — Cassie said, blinking in surprise.

— I thought we were going to have dinner, and discuss, uh, logistics — Toto said, letting his hand go from Cassie’s lower back as he fumbled in his black cordura briefcase for his car keys.

— Right. Yes, that’s right — Cassie said, shaking her head in an attempt to regain her wits.

— Well, then, I’ll follow you — Toto said, smiling as he unlocked the door to his car and climbed in.

The entire drive back her flat was a blur in Cassie’s mind as it raced between dinner plans and baby plans, and by the time she unlocked the door to her flat and let Toto inside, her mind was a swirling mass of pink onesies, plush bunnies, and what to have with the chicken breasts that she left to thaw in the refrigerator for dinner.

In the end, she found some sweet potatoes in her pantry, and had some asparagus and tomatoes that needed to be used. She implored Toto to relax while she prepared dinner, not being used to having to contend with another person in the kitchen while she cooked, but Toto insisted on helping, so he chopped the vegetables while she set to work seasoning and baking the chicken.

Dinner came together quickly, and as they started eating, Toto was the first to cut through the silence.

— So, a little girl. Have you been thinking of any names, or did you want to wait to decide?

Cassie thought for a moment while she took a drink of water.

— I haven’t given it too much thought, beyond what I told you before, that I didn’t really want to give her a classical name, you know, like my family would want. But it would be nice to give her a name, you know. I’ve just been thinking of it — she hesitated, before correcting herself — Her, I guess, as “the baby”.

— Well — Toto said — I wouldn’t mind giving her a Nordic name, like my family does. That way it would be unique, but not so much that she’s likely to be made fun of in school, or anything.

Cassie giggled.

— You say that like you have experience with that.

Toto rolled his eyes.

— I don’t dislike my name, but Torger isn’t a name that a lot of kids in Vienna come across very regularly. Let’s just say that my nickname was, um… How do you call it… Invented pretty early on in my school days.

— Well, alright. So, what kinds of names does that give us — Cassie said, picking up her phone. She paged through one of the dozens of pastel-colored websites open in her browser tabs that she’d been visiting over the past few weeks, before finding a naming dictionary she had particularly liked looking through — There’s the obvious ones, like Freya, Sif, and Astrid… No, those might have the same problem that your name gave you.

Toto laughed, and Cassie continued.

— Elsa… No, people will just think we named her after that Disney movie… Edda… That sounds kind of, I don’t know, old lady-ish. Erika? No, I went to school with an Erika, I didn’t care for her. Juni is… That’s cute, I guess…

Toto pulled his chair closer to Cassie’s to look at the list of names with her, and Cassie angled the screen so he could get a better look.

— Birgit? — Toto said — That’s a nice name, and not uncommon in Austria.

— Isn’t that what Niki Lauda’s wife is named? — Cassie said, turning her head to look at Toto.

— Yes… And I think it’s a nice name.

— I know, but giving your child the name of someone you know feels odd, don’t you think? Plus, most English people would probably pronounce it incorrectly most of the time. And that leaves out Brigitta and Brigette, too. Asta? That one is nice.

— No, that reminds me of that sparkling wine — Toto said, crinkling his nose a bit — There’s Kirsten, but that one feels almost a bit too ordinary.

— Yes — Cassie sighed — And plus, she’d probably get called Kristen more often than not.

— Oh, what about… Ingrid? — Toto said, pointing at the name on Cassie’s phone screen — That’s a nice name. It’s easy enough in English, it’s a common enough name in German…

Cassie thought for a moment. She had a feeling like something snapped into place, like she had solved a complicated maths problem, or like she’d remembered a word that was on the tip of her tongue.

Almost involuntarily, her hand moved to her belly, cradling the growing swell of her abdomen.

— Ingrid. I like it. Ingrid — she repeated the name, like she was testing it out. She couldn’t help but feel like it was a good fit, that it felt right.

— Ingrid Aldersey-Wolff — Toto said, a distinct note of pride in his voice.

— No… Just Ingrid Wolff — Cassie said, looking down at her belly. Her voice went quiet — It sounds nice, doesn’t it? We’ll need to come up with a middle name, but…

— You really don’t want her to have your surname too? — Toto asked, delicately.

— No. It wouldn’t feel right giving her something that I don’t even want — Cassie said, giving Toto a serious look.

Toto pressed his mouth into a thin line, and nodded slightly.

— Ingrid Wolff.

According to the obstetrician, it was a bit too early in the pregnancy for Cassie to start feeling the baby kicking, but she thought she felt a distinct flutter from her belly. It may have been just her imagination, or something akin to nervous butterflies, but it felt like a sign, like the universe had given her at least one of the answers she was looking for.

— Our little Ingrid — she said, feeling the warmth she’d felt earlier spreading through her body once more.

She and Toto finished eating in a more companionable silence, and Toto cleaned up the dishes once they were finished, at his insistence. After the dishes were in the dishwasher, they sat close together on the couch, scrolling through more parenting websites, discussing whatever came to mind.

— Oh, I forgot to tell you this, but I started this… I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s sort of a visual scrapbook of things that you can save — she said, navigating to a website on her laptop. Toto peered over at the screen, his brow furrowing. She knew that Toto wasn’t tuned in to most social media websites, so she kept her explanation brief — But I made it mostly so we can gather ideas for how we want to decorate the nursery. I know it’s probably not, you know, a priority, but…

— No, I want to see. After all, it will be my daughter’s first bedroom.

Cassie almost couldn’t contain her joy at hearing Toto say the words “my daughter”, and given the smile that spread across Toto’s face near-immediately, it wasn’t easy for him, either.

For the next hour, they looked at pictures of nurseries online, saving the things that appealed to them. Both of them were in agreement about not wanting something stereotypically “girly” with everything in shades of pink.

— I like a minimalist look — Toto said — But…

— I know, I’ve seen your office — Cassie quipped.

Toto shot her a knowing glance.

— But all of these gray or beige rooms that are supposed to be neutral, they’re awfully depressing for children, no?

— I know, but that’s what it’s fashion these days, from what I gather. But we don’t have to decide anything right now, we still have — Cassie paused, trying to do the mental calculation from the estimated due date that Dr. Reynolds gave them earlier — About 26 weeks before we have to worry about it.

— I know — Toto said, standing up from Cassie’s sofa — 26 weeks until we meet our daughter. Ingrid. Anyway, I think I should head home. Early day tomorrow, as always. And you should get your rest.

Cassie set her laptop on the coffee table, and stood up with him, following after him as he walked to the front door.

— Yes. Ingrid Wolff. Ingrid… And, like you said, we’ll need to think of a middle name.

— We will. We have 26 weeks — Toto said, carefully slipping his shoes on.

— It will go by quickly though, so I’ve heard — Cassie said, giving Toto a small smile once he stood back up straight.

There was a slight pause before Toto opened his arms, prompting Cassie to step forward into a hug. It was soft and gentle, making Cassie feel the fluttering from deep down in her belly again as Toto pressed a delicate kiss to her forehead before he stepped back slightly.

— Do you mind if I…? — he said, pointing to Cassie’s belly.

— Go ahead — Cassie said, feeling her face flush — She is… Ingrid is… Is your daughter, after all.

It was surreal seeing Toto bend over slightly and mutter something in German with only the words tochter and Ingrid clear to Cassie as he put his hand on the bump, but not in an unpleasant way, quite the contrary.

As Toto said goodbye to her again and Cassie went about her bedtime routine, she realized that it was what made the pregnancy finally feel real, and concrete like nothing before had. Not the initial test results, not telling her sister and mother, not the episodes of morning sickness, not even telling Toto when he got back from Barcelona, but the fact that their daughter had a name, like she was already a person and not a hypothetical, not a “little bean” or the other corny euphemisms that the parenting websites used to refer to a baby while it was still in utero.

The thrill hadn’t dissipated the next morning, either, and with a quick message to Toto to get his — not his approval, but to see if he had any objections — she set out to do something she’d been waiting to do for what felt like ages.

A few hours later, in the marketing team meeting, Victoria, her boss, asked the group if there were any new agenda items to discuss, and Cassie raised her hand.

— I know this isn’t really related to the business, but I have some personal news — she said. She could feel a quaver coming to her voice as she spoke.

— Go ahead — Victoria said, giving her a nod.

— I found out a few weeks ago, but… I’m pregnant.

There was a momentary silence in the room, and Cassie noticed the momentary collective confusion on her colleagues’ faces, until one of her colleagues, Imogen, clapped her hands together and practically squealed with joy.

— Oh, that’s wonderful, Cassie! Congratulations!

What followed seemed to be an avalanche of well-wishes and questions in equal measure.

— When are you due? — one of her other coworkers asked.

— Have you found out the sex yet?

— I didn’t even know you were trying, that’s amazing — another said.

Cassie thought her colleagues looked a bit skeptical, and perhaps it was just her imagination. She certainly didn’t want to reveal the whole truth about the baby and her parentage, not when nobody else on the team knew about it, and her mind automatically slotted onto the story that she’d given her mother and sister a few weeks ago.

— Well, I met this guy named, er, Christian. He works in finance, and we met a few years ago… A friend set us up, and we fell in love… And we’ve both always wanted children, so we decided to start trying for a baby. We just found out yesterday that we’re having a little girl.

— That’s wonderful, Cassie — Victoria said, beaming at her.

— When you said Christian, I was afraid you were going to follow it with ‘Horner’ for a moment — Dan, one of the content writers, said, which prompted a ripple of chuckles around the room, and a scowl from Victoria.

Cassie laughed nervously, knowing that he wasn’t categorically wrong about the father of her baby being a team principal.

— God, could you imagine? — she said, trying to play off her nerves — That would be a nightmare.

#toto wolff #wlffog #formula 1 fic #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #formula 1 fanfic #f1 x oc #toto wolff x oc #formula one fanfic #formula one fic #formula 1 x oc #toto wolff fluff #toto wolff fanfic #etlwlff

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sickly-qt · 2 years ago

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Finn Sick at Night

Woah! I said I would put out a fic and I actually did it? Never thought I would see it happen. Anyway, this is the first fic i was able to get together, so bear with me if it’s a bit rough. I’m still getting back into the swing of things.

I hope you guys enjoy some sick Finn :)

~~~

“Hello?” Finn said groggily, rubbing his eyes as he lifted his head from his pillow..

“Hey,” Drew replied, “You’re coming over tonight right?” Finn could hear the sizzle of food frying in a pan on the other end of the phone.

He stared at the clock on his bedside table waiting for his eyes to adjust. 5:27. Shit, he had overslept.

“Uh, yeah. I’m sorry, I got out of work a little late. Give me like 15 minutes and I'll be right over.” Finn sat up in bed and ran his hand through his hair.

There was a pause and Finn waited to see if Drew had picked up on his white lie.

“Okay, take your time. I’m making dinner, it should be ready when you get here.”

“That sounds really good, Love. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I love you.”

“I love you too, babes. I’ll see you soon.” Drew hung up and Finn sighed, rubbing his eyes.

He had left work early after he had bolted out of a meeting to stare into the toilet for a solid 10 minutes, waiting for the reappearance of his meager breakfast that would never actually come. After getting home he had promptly passed out and nearly slept through his plans with Drew.

He was feeling a bit better, less nauseous and more worn out and a little cold.

Finn pushed himself out of bed and got dressed, planning on telling Drew that he had changed before he left work and headed out for Drew’s.

“Hey, Sweets. There’s food on the stove if you’re hungry.” Drew said over the back of the couch when Finn let himself into her apartment.

“I’m not.” He mumbled, slowly kicking off his shoes and peeling off his jacket. “I’m honestly just really tired, baby. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, you should at least eat a little bit though.” She said, getting up to put her bowl in the sink. She gave him a weird look when she walked past him. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, my stomach has just been giving me some issues today…”

Drew frowned at him and walked over to him, pressing the back of her hand to his forehead.

“You’re a little warm, but I don’t think you have a fever. Do you think you’ve caught something?”

“I don’t know, love. I just want to lay down.” Finn almost whined.

“Okay, let’s lay down then.” Drew led him over to the couch and sat with her feet propped on the coffee table and Finn spread out with his head on her lap. It didn’t take long for him to doze off.

He must’ve been sleeping for awhile when Drew finally woke him up to go to bed. The living room was dark, save for the lamp that was left on.

Finn was basically a zombie as he walked to the room and laid down in bed, passing right back out as soon as he hit the mattress, he didn’t even feel Drew get into bed beside him.

When he woke up next, it was still dark. The glowing numbers on the alarm clock showing 4:17 am. He could hear Drew breathing next to him, sound asleep. He felt much worse than when he had fallen asleep, the feeling of nausea returning. He felt sick. Finn sighed and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Drew stirred for a second before rolling over and falling back asleep.

His body felt heavy and it took effort for him to move, but he could tell that he was going to vomit.

“Fuck.” He whispered to himself as he got up and made his way to the bathroom down the hall. He paced for a minute before finally settling on the floor, staring into the toilet. It was painfully quiet, his heartbeat pounding in his ears. After a couple moments he retched, which seemed to echo throughout the quiet apartment. Nothing came up beside saliva, but he gagged again and a small mouthful of the pasta he ate for lunch came back up. A couple seconds passed before he retched once more, a slightly larger mouthful of his stomach contents splashed into the toilet.

He coughed and cursed to himself when he heard Drew’s light footsteps come down the hall.

“Babes?” She said quietly as pushed the door open, her voice was scratchy from sleep and her hair was a mess as she staggered into the bathroom.

Finn didn��t get a chance to answer before he leaned back over the toilet, burping up another mouthful of sick.

Drew blinked slowly as what was happening slowly seeped into her sleep fogged brain.

“Okay, it’s okay. You’re okay.” She said, clearly still half asleep. She squeezed his shoulder and rubbed her other hand across his back. Drew left for a moment before coming back and setting a cup of water on the floor by his knee. She sat cross legged behind Finn resting her forehead against his back as she ran her hand up and down his spine.

“How long have you been in here?” Drew asked, her head still resting against his back.

“15 minutes?” He said quietly, his voice scratchy from vomiting. “You can go back to bed, babe. You’re clearly exhausted.”

“No, I’m okay.” She mumbled, “You said your stomach was bothering you but were you nauseous earlier?”

“Not when I got here, but I left work early because I barely kept my breakfast down.” A burp rumbled up from his chest but all that came up was spit.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Drew asked, lifting her head and kissing his shoulder.

“Because I thought it was just something I ate.” Finn reached up and flushed the toilet before pushing himself up from the floor, Drew following suit behind him.

“Okay well, go lay down I just have to pee and then I’ll be in in a minute.” Drew mumbled and watched as Finn rinsed out his mouth before shuffling out of the bathroom. Drew closed the door behind him and braced herself against the sink, sighing. She felt sick, which was different for her, she didn’t get sympathy sickness. Even so, she was beginning to get used to this feeling, nagging nausea that would hit her at seemingly random times of day. She waited and when she realized that nothing was going to happen she shut off the light and returned to the bedroom where her red-headed boy was sprawled across the bed on top of the blankets. He was already fast asleep, exhausted from work and having been sick. Drew sighed, grabbing a blanket from the chair in the corner and draping it over Finn before crawling back in bed herself. She laid in bed staring at the ceiling listening to Finn’s slow and steady breaths, the only sound other than the single thought floating around in her head.

Fuck.

#my writing #my ocs #drew #finn #sickfic #illness #emeto

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edgarrallannhoe · 6 months ago

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7-08-024 man, i fucked up.

today,tomorrow,to…

Ive been vomiting for the past 24+ hours now. i like to say “hahah i’m vomiting SO MUCH but idk why..” i know why. Rome makes me sick, rome makes me want to relapse, rome allows me to relapse. I know it’s no rome’s fault here, i wish it was. I wish all of this was anyone else fault but mine, but here we are, with all the faults in the world i guess.

i have to say tho, among all of the european capitals, rome is the least chic one by a mile.

Yesterday a bought me some Ketamine. I have a complicated relationship with K since the first time i tried it almost twelve-thirteen years ago and not knowing how to use it i just decided to open the bag and snort the whole thing in one line. Bad idea, i spent the night hugging the service toilet at my highschool with a friend making fun of me during the whole thing. Then after that day, i snubbed it at practically every occasion i had, i just wasn’t interested in that devilish thing again, and now, since a few years i’m again at it. I don’t want to talk about this tho, kinda boring, kinda useless.

8-08-024 somebody save me from myself

the purge

i tried to force myself to post, but i started writing then said “fuck it, why should anybody care?” then said “BuT IM DoInG tHIs FoR MySeLf sO whY dOeS it maTTeR if people enjoy it?” and then again “i’m lying as usual, few are the things i do where i’m not concerned about how i will be perceived, social media isn’t one of them.” so i’m here now, less whiny than the other day, but more sick.

I keep vomiting, crying, then trying to drink lil sips of water then vomiting again the same water i just drank. Atp this night i felt like a dry prune, without water, without anything substantial in me, wrinkled and all, i was literally crying hugging my garbage bin: i want to note that the garbage bin is literally kinda a wicker basket, so lot of holes and whatnot. I said to my dad, that because of my “puking problem” maybe we should pick a new one that doesn’t make everything messier every time this happens, and he bought another bin…. a DRILLED metallic one, so now i have a little drilled bin inside a wicker basket, a nightmare every time, now i have to also clean them after i’m finished!

i don’t think i have an ED, or at least not in the way it is usually explained. Ive always been skinny and kinda minature, and always ate whatever, but i have to admit that while once i believed ( and sometimes said myself ) the whole “i eat whatever and whenever and i stay sKiNNnYyYyYy” , i know understand this whole thing better. While i have a fast metabolism and a skinny/petite corporature, and it’s true that sometimes i eat McDonald’s four days in a row, i don’t put weight on cause i eat nothing during the whole day tho. like, i wake up and drink latte macchiato ( idk outside Italy what Latte Macchiato is, here is just like 1/4 coffee and 3/4 milk with maybe a lil sugar ), then mid morning i drink Latte macchiato, then i skip lunch, then in the afternoon you guess it! Latte macchiato! ( if it’s summer sometimes it gets changed with a cold Cola in the glass bottle, love it ), and THEN i eat McDonald’s. But if you consider the fact that i’m pretty active as a person , always moving even if i’m home in bed, and that i only drink coffee and milk the whole day, it’s not weird not gaining weight if you have a crispy mcBacon for dinner 4 nights straight.

So yeah, i think that whole “eat a lot don’t put on weight” it’s a little bit of a fairytale, but i’m sure that there is always a girl swearing that for them is exactly like that. Good for you Veronica.

Sometimes is also happens, that because i don’t really eat during the day, i end up having less hunger than if i ate ( i always ate slay✨), and then the hunger makes me nauseous, so then i vomit but i vomit absolutely nothing but slimish green bile, and then i am even more “hungry”- the problem is that i’m not, even when i am atp, i’m not hungry, i feel nauseous and i know that it’s because i need to eat, but i would rather not- it becomes a cycle, and every time is exhausting, this night i felt like i just wanted to die. I just wanted to be put off of this misery. Now it’s kinda better, kinda, rn here is 12AM, i woke up at three AM to, you guess it, vomit and it went on until almost two hours ago, i feel like shit.

I bought a watermelon at the store/supermarket, there is a real market near the store with better watermelons but i don’t want to enter that lively place, vade retro lol, so i’m okay with a watery and less red watermelon. i’m now eating in very small bites a small pizza no topping and all, but i’m far from feeling fine.

ok ill stop writing for now, IM DYIIIIING- i wish i was - aaaaaaaaaghhh somebody save me fucking please

xx emma

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a-bit-of-cest · 7 months ago

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Thinking about Zoro and Luffy being so in sync that Zoro wakes up one morning, groggily heading towards breakfast, and Luffy suddenly grabs him in the middle of the hall.

“Wait.” He commands and Zoro stops and faces him.

Luffy’s hands start moving over his body, squeezing his face, his shoulders, chest, hips— until Zoro yanks him back up by the collar of his shirt.

“Ain’t it a little early to go again?” He chides with a small smirk.

But Luffy doesn’t have that hungry gleam in his eye. Instead his face is all twisted up like it usually is when he’s thinking hard, almost deathly serious.

“Zoro, are you okay?”

Zoro blinks. “‘Course I am, why?”

“Something’s different,” Lu frowns as his fingers idly run over his chest again. A silence settles as they both examine the lines he traces over tanned skin. Zoro truly doesn’t feel any different. He has no new wounds, no congestion or chill. At most he’s just slightly sore, but that’s his normal considering his hard workout and old scars. He reaches out and cups Lu’s chin, breaking his staring contest with the stitches to look at him.

“I’m fine, really,” he reassures, “I’ll go straight to Chopper if I’m not.”

Luffy finally brightens back up to his usual self at that, the matter settled.

“Okay, then let’s eat!” They race to the kitchen and don’t broach Lu’s gut feeling again, but Zoro stays a little more vigilant.

Weeks pass and the soreness starts to get more localized, mainly in Zoro’s chest and hips. It’s annoying so he tries to adjust his workout to be less intense on those areas for a bit but it still persists. His appetite starts to dwindle too and the sake tastes off despite cook’s insistence that his stocks are all up to date and that he just “doesn’t appreciate good flavor.” Luffy keeps eyeing him with a worried look when he thinks he’s not watching, clinging more when they bunk, but he doesn’t voice it. He trusts Zoro to know his limits. That limit comes at the crack of dawn one morning.

Zoro stirs from the crows nest, cursing at himself for being careless enough to actually fall asleep during his shift, until he freezes. A wave of nausea hits him like a truck and he has to scramble down the ladder, barely making it to the bathroom in time before he empties his stomach into the toilet.

He retches for what feels like an hour, eyes watering and hands shaking as he tries not to crack the seat in his grip. A chill runs up his spine. He hasn’t puked in years, not even the poisoned meat in Wano made him this nauseous. Whatever was going on with him was serious.

He waited until it felt safe enough to step away from the toilet and grabbed Chopper out of bed. The poor reindeer woke up to the swordsman’s looming figure on the verge of heaving again and rushed him to the medbay. Chopper ran every test he could think of as he interrogated Zoro for symptoms until only one diagnosis emerged:

He was pregnant.

Zoro rested a hand over his stomach in shocked silence, the abs around his bellybutton softer than they were at the start of the month. He was…

After a brief freak out and thorough lecture from Chopper that he can’t drink anymore, Zoro wanders back out onto the deck, looking for Luffy. He finds him on Sunny’s head as usual, the early morning sun haloing his back. A nervous buzz races under his skin as his captain looks back at him.

“I’m pregnant,” he announces with a grin.

Luffy grins right back, dark eyes shining bright with joy.

“I know.”

#ramblings #mpreg #op #another old thread I just remembered #love them being so in sync it’s scary #threads

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morbidly-absent · 10 months ago

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sorry, i can’t afford a therapist

this will probably sound very disordered, but i’m sad to admit that the closest i’ve felt to realness is ED. i’m generally lonely, i only have one friend i see pretty often and a couple more i’d consider occasional acquaintances.

sometimes it feels like it’s me against the world, except the world is the one i created myself. it’s imperfect. i’m hungry, dizzy, awkward, i go a little crazy with measuring spoons, calories, numbers and it doesn’t help being a bad liar.

but in this world, i get a lot more satisfaction. in case i mess up it’s solely my fault. if i go against the rules i make up in my own head, there’s nobody to blame but myself. the only person i’m disappointed with is me.

when phased with reality i am nothing but hurt. people lie, cheat, betray. i have not had a successful relationship with a man in nine years. i am pushing dating into the background, i can’t handle anymore bs. friendships are not any different.

[RANT] thought i made a new friend but it’s a complete disaster. girl spends more time on her phone than connecting with me. she had to pick me up tonight so i could spend the night and stay watching her dogs for a couple of days. she texted me when she was supposed to be at my door and told me she felt nauseous and she’ll be there in a few. she then ignored my texts and calls just to get back to me one and a half hours later telling me she’s on her way now. she wanted to pick me up past midnight dude!! i mean, damn, i worked a long shift, ran back home, swallowed my dinner in a minute, packed my bag and just sat there like a dumbass waiting for her. i just feel stomped on. “babess i’m so sorry! i was feeling like shit!!” OH REALLY MELISSA??

stop playing with me!!

you know who doesn’t do that though? ana doesn’t. you get what you put in, there’s no hidden agenda. i feel the most sane when i’m the most insane.

i see people in this community talking about wanting to look better so people treat them better and/or get jealous. i used to be overweight growing up so i 100% get it. but my focus has shifted so much. it is now about my own satisfaction rather than other people’s perception of me. they can suck it, respectfully.

they don’t stick around either way. you know what will? my collarbones.

#mealspo #ana buddie #4n4rexia #tw ed sheeran #⭐️ve

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44-docx · 9 months ago

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15/04/24

I had a rough past few days. Two days ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. Thank god my partner was there to help me. They held me and when I saw the look on their face I wouldn’t let myself dissociate. It hurt almost , in the weirdest way, and was so hard but I was able to. And so I didn’t record my food that day or the day after, but I felt okay about the food I ate. Today I feel as though I ate more than I should have and am having shame I dislike the feeling of but I’m reconciling with having put it in my mouth to begin with so I’m sitting with this feeling lol.

Breakfast 8:00

I had all of this. I was kinda nauseous halfway through then it dissipated and I finished. I got hungry an hour after and had this snack. I was studying and needed a pick me up, hence the red bull. I usually try to avoid caffeine but I’ve been TIRED all day :).

Lunch: 12:00

For lunch I had chicken and egg on rice. I added hot sauce and honey. I had that soup and picked out two dumplings and thre the rest out. Then I picked up this little bit my cafeteria was serving. I didn’t like the potato it had because ew it was soggy asf, so I just ate the smoked salmon instead. Didn’t really want it tbh but I ate it and regretted it in my mouth but I can’t spit it out in public like I would alone. Not gonna lie, spitting things out if I don’t like them is a new development that kinda keeps me true to eating only what I like and want. I don’t chew and spit, not something I have ever done! But having the ability to respect myself enough not to swallow something I hate is part of me trying to regulate what I eat. I got cereal for desert, again. I saved this muffin and picked at it for like 2 hrs as I tend to do while I work , it’s a bad habit because I feel like sugar helps me focus…. More on that at 3:30 lol. (Also I did not eat that banana)

3:30 “snack”

So I had this snack which I feel like was rather large. I had a handful of cashews, maybe more, a few bites of yogurt and an orange with a coffee with oat milk. That caffeine kicked me into being able to work again because I was honestly dissociating and was able to get a hold of it again! I’m getting really good at that and am really proud of myself. I started work and got a reasonable amount done and then I noticed my blood sugar dipping again. I am noticing that when my blood sugar feels low I feel out of breath and get super bad brain fog and am not able to work! (Big surprise wow I know) but as somebody who would force myself through work after barely eating I’m noticing just how productive I am when I actually eat - especially when I have sugar. So I got a slushes and oh my did that kick me into high gear lol.

Dinner: 8:00

I had this chicken burger and peeled off the extra bun parts because why do I need that much bread for such wimpy patties??? Like buy smaller buns if you’re gonna be that cheap? Anyways enough beef with my cafeteria. I had half the fries and a load of ranch and hot sauce with honey. It started to freak me out actually having the sauce about halfway through eating it, and then I was like okay let’s just see if we finished it. And then I did . And I’m trying to be neutral about that. I almost wanted more food but then I realized I didn’t want it I just wanted it because it was available and I would freak out if I ate more because I was already full and I should stop. Having unlimited food is really hard as someone who has binges, uncontrollable eating spells where I feel out of control regardless of how much I eat it feels compulsive because I’ve restricted for so long. Trying to recover with a cafeteria is hard lol. But… I stopped myself. I had cereal, I also got a little carrot cake but I realized I didn’t want it so I just ate the cereal. Actually eating the cereal did make me feel like I was pushing myself and made me consider P, but I did not. I’m fine and I’m full and that’s okay. It just feels like sooooo much food. Not being able to put anything back is also kinda ficked up to me because like , I will take something and have to throw it out, which I obviously don’t wanna do but I’ve grown comfortable doing as a part of my healing . Anyhow I’m looking at the carrot cake I smuggled out of there because I didn’t want it but wouldn’t throw out because I may want it later. I have an exam at 9 am so I expect I will be up late studying.

Taking photos of my food has been super freeing. I’m really happy that I started doing this. Throughout the day I have these thought about trying to calculate my food that I’ve had for years. Now being able to SEE what I eat is putting me at ease in a way I can’t quite explain. I feel a sense of freedom from it and I’m not trying to use it in a toxic way either which is nice that I don’t have that compulsion. I’m trying to focus on the fact that this food will fuel my brain for my exam tomorrow morning and and I’m trying to be happy for myself because I did a good job at studying today and avoiding dissociation - and regardless of my marks I think I’ve done a good job here preparing and that puts my anxiety at ease.

I’m on SLYND now which is a birth control. I’ve been taking it for two days now. It may cause weight gain but most people say it doesn’t which is a blessing omg. Keeping this food diary will help me make sure I’m not being adversely affected by the medication to eat more. And that gives me comfort because my last birth control I gained FORTY POUNDS. Omg I can’t even think about it it was so bad . Like with such bad body image it SUCKED. Really made my eating disorder worse for sure. But here I am trying to recover and mitigate the risks in a healthy way by monitoring my appetite and intake💪

Anyways, back to studying.

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tangiblejournal56 · 2 years ago

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8/6/11

Eight in the morning, at a bus stop, bored. Highlight being that for the first time in four or five days I’m not doubled over crying, or completely debilitated by pain. Worse than childbirth, this pain, like someone hammering a screwdriver through my ear into my sinus cavity, down to my swollen & throbbing mouth. The source of this hideous torture being nothing more than a broken, infected molar. I was, am still, completely aghast that one tooth had me racked in sobs, pain sharp enough to knock the wind out of me. I was unable to eat or even sleep as the pain intensified when my head was lain down for any period of time. An entire day was lost to sobbing, pacing my room, hiding from Jacob so he wouldn’t have to deal with the wreck I was, rinsing constantly with salt water, using various gum-numbing agents every few minutes. I felt miserable, a pathetic sight to see. Jacob playing Skip-Bo, Uno, threw dice with me in a bid to keep me distracted from my tooth, but it was futile. He rolled a joint for us, & even marijuana - usually my fail-proof painkiller - didn’t ease it, actually inflamed it, I felt as though my gums were on fire. All the waves of pain were making me nauseous, so while Jacob finished smoking I sat with my head hovering over the toilet. He looked down at me sympathetically, “I’m really sorry you’re hurting so much, Jamie,” his voice like a small boy’s, helpless but sympathetic. I smiled (as much as I was capable of) & apologized for his having to see me in such a pathetic state. He shrugged, said he didn’t mind seeing me cry, “as long as you’re not all ‘Jacob make it better!’” he joked, making me laugh. He was later cracking up over the gum-numbing orajel having totally deadened my mouth, lips & all, & my attempts to drink water. He erupted when I went to spit a mouthful of water into the sink, & pathetically opened my mouth to let the liquid just fall out, making a sad little noise at how gross I am. “I’m a monster!” I cried out pitifully, making Jacob laugh even harder. When I wan’t crying I was a great amount of entertainment. But the pain became more than I could bear. I called into work & Jacob accompanied me downtown to a cheap, dingy-looking Presbyterian-run dental clinic, where the receptionist told me it would be about a thirty-minute wait to get an X-ray & examination. So we sat, watching the colorful & comical patients slam in & out the frail door. The half an hour she promised us bled slowly into three grueling hours, both of us bored, hungry, & sick of the not-so-funny-anymore stream of people, loud & obnoxious, rude, fighting with each other. A really depressing bit of Americana, & I dreaded the idea that I may one day have to return. Jacob eventually forced me to go up to the receptionist & complain about the delay (which means he walked up there with me & did all the complaining - as always I am incapable of being assertive, demanding or pushy when it comes to myself, only can I be that assertive for the benefit of others), & they finally called me into a room. My overwhelming absolute terror of the dentist hit me & I regretted not making Jacob come back into the room with me to hold my hand. The lady began the X-ray, & tears immediately rolled down my cheeks as she ever-so-gently placed the plastic apparatus around the inside of my mouth, pain-like jolts of white-hot fire shooting through me. I felt small like a child, helpless & unable to find the person who is supposed to take care of me. Alone, scared & miserable, stuck in a nightmare, I didn’t want to be there by myself. The woman was warm & understanding, but still of little comfort. She seemed surprised when on a scale of one to ten I told her my pain was a ten. “Worse than childbirth,” I assured her. Soon a man whom I assumed was the actual dentist came into the tiny room & showed me the X-ray of my tooth, the only one in my mouth that had grown in crooked, how it was cracked & looked as though it were coming in sideways rather than up & down. In friendly but blunt terms, he assured me that the course of action was to “get that tooth out of there,” to numb & remove the offending Molar No. 15. Whenever I was able to, schedule myself in for that, but for now he would prescribe me an antibiotic & a painkiller, so that I may function like a human until the removal. I knew it would be awhile until I could afford the pull (Jacob was even covering this examination & my prescriptions until my paycheck arrived) but I was ecstatic that I wouldn’t have to feel the horrific pain for much longer.

Jacob & I left, my spirits now soaring. We traipsed around the sidewalks of downtown for a bit, then he wanted to get some Freebirds burritos, his treat. It was an act that reminded me of when my siblings & I were young & had to go to the doctor out of illness or injury, how my mother would stop along the way home for a treat of ice cream or lunch, & if it was a particularly painful visit, there would be a stop for coloring books (or in my case, reading books). The warmth in that kindness, how no trip to the doctor seemed that scary when we knew what lay in store after the fact. Such a good mother, one who feels her children’s suffering as her own, & would absolve it into herself if she could. How lucky we were, are, that despite our reprehensible, drug-addled, abusive birth father, our mother is “Best Case Scenario mom,” exactly what we all needed. No one could’ve performed better, nor loved us more or more selflessly.

Riding around with Jacob on the #10 bus, I was nervous, twitchy, unable to calm myself. Ryan rides this bus line, we were in his part of town, & I could feel him like a pulsating shift in the atmosphere. It may sound exaggerated, but that’s how it was between us, we could sense each other like a radar. I could feel him around me, but I could never see him. Jacob & I took a different bus home, & I was relieved.

Once home, having taken my new large white pills heavenly in their relief, I was joyous, excited, energetic. He & I swam, I cleaned my room & bathroom, as Racha & Thom were arriving the next day (technically today, their plane lands in an hour), & at eleven I fell into a blessedly peaceful sleep. I awoke only once, at 5am, the throbbing returning but timidly, & I squashed that with another painkiller & went back to sleep.

I wonder what the next few days will be like with Thom & Racha here. Will Thom be surprised at how close Jacob & I have become? He didn’t think Jacob & I would make good roommates, but as of yet we’ve had no real problems. Aside from when I’m at work, we spend all of our time together, sometimes with Josh but mostly on our own, keeping occupied with movies , games, swimming. A sort of comfortability. Yesterday as I cleaned my room I was playing Charlie Parker’s “Bird” with the door open while he played a video game on his phone, cozy as can be. It’s funny, a year ago I would never have been able to imagine he & I would experience that kind of domestic coziness, so at ease it’s almost innocent. Revealing to each other what we are individually like in our private life, living together makes concealing anything near impossible. If he wanted to, Jacob could go right now into my room & open my journals or sketchbooks & see his portrait displayed a hundred times in words or drawings. The older diaries, how infatuated & obsessed I was with him for years, or worse, the latest two in which I describe several times our disappointing attempts at sex, how unfulfilled they left me. I would be mortified & ashamed were he to read those. On the other hand, for him to enter my room & read guiltlessly what he knows to be private, then perhaps he should deserve to see unflattering images of himself, & thus I should not feel so bad. And I would, even then. My diaries a toxic element needing to be contained, handled only by those who know how to control it, those who understand its harmful properties. So far that is an entirely lonely endeavor, just myself at the helm. Max perhaps one day could obtain limitless access, but I’m pacing myself & him by selecting only certain articles & sections for his consumption. Wanting always for him to see me a certain way. These can be so exhausting, ever the constant curator & keeper of this zoo of exotic creatures, the surrounding gates eye-catching & seductive, but I cannot allow anyone access & I cannot leave. To forgo the journal for a completely external life is unthinkable, an attempt to breathe underwater. To whom else would I tell the undiluted truth, ugly & without affectations? Certainly not those around me, friends, family. How else could I pour out all of the tumultuous anguish I so often wrap myself up in? I have a great need for the diary, yes. My oldest, most loyal friend whom never glosses over the past with lies of a prettier picture. My confessor, I’d never admit aloud what I can so silently own up to within these pages, & I would deny it all until the day I die. I admit I am a bit like Anais Nin with her lies & storytelling to her world - but in here I am honest, & in the exterior world I do not commit such acts of cruelty toward those I claim to love, I do not create lies & pageantry to cover up these insidious acts I am not committing. How the heroes of our youth fall so rapidly as you age & discover more & more about them, how their actions become clearer. Her big hypocrisy that she refuses to address, her name-dropping, her pathological obsession with attention & devotion, her inability to accept any criticism, her overbearing pretentiousness & theatricality that never once seems genuine. Taking on lovers out of no other course but to be able to write “I am a Donna Juana.” Discovering how the diaries are nothing much more than fabricated stories, altered events, or flat-out lies. I am aware that this is an accepted art form now, that most memoirs are rich with added detail made up entirely in the author’s mind. But despite my own storytelling to my external world, I find it pathetic to lie in your journal, it seems like lying to yourself, breaking my absolute number one rule. When I see how easily my biological father, Chelsea, Jess, even Cody at times can tell these lies & believe in them entirely, it terrifies me, shakes me, knowing that I could be capable of that. Bending time & events to suit whatever need, disregarding reality like a worn bathrobe on a hook. I believe in creating my own world, but I vigilantly, fervently keep one foot firmly in the outer world, in reality, at all times. I am always scared of losing my grasp on this reality & heading feet first willfully into oblivion. And then I would be lost. It may not seem so terrible, like falling asleep in a blizzard, so easy & comforting, a trapdoor escape if needed. But I’ve let myself be pulled into that self & it bears no resemblance to that snowbank. In that reality I am easily capable of committing cruel acts & lacking any compassion. I cannot stop myself, it is like watching someone else do these things & though I am aware of all of it, I cannot ebb the tide of it. So I sink & sink further under, drowning in self-loathing & isolation & this thick dark fog. I never want to be that girl again. This is why I am always honest in here. So I need not worry if any of it really happened that way or if I am embellishing. I want to remember it all.

Max, for instance. If one day we are beyond each other’s reach I want to have that history to go back over like watching a rerun again & again. I want to be able to remember every detail of this astonishing boy who could always shake the world for me. How capable he is of so much pain. How a boy like that could like a girl like me, that I must be worth something if I can mean something to him. He is ever so constantly on my mind whenever I let it drift for even a moment. At the dentist, on the bus, walking down the street. A great way to occupy my time. I envision him, his face or his hands, his voice, just an image or entire memories. I end up smiling, looking every bit the crazy girl I fear becoming. I am, as always, indisputably, entirely, in love with that being, that mass of liquid & matter & bones & skin. Whether or not he will ever feel the same is not now my concern. Happy I am just loving him, knowing him, existing in his world. How he knocks out any other men in my world & he doesn’t even try. He is just effortlessly capable of anything. I cannot write any more cheesy prose on the subject as I will only repeat myself & cause nausea, but he colonizes my thoughts. I do not need him to love me back, not now anyway. For now it is enough simply to love him, & I know that I am very important to him, despite forces like his family, his friends trying to cure him of me. I worry, so many people telling him I’m bad, that they see something I don’t. Something inborn I can’t shed. But I’m not the girl they tell him I am, I haven’t been that girl in years, & even then they had no idea who I was, just as they don’t know the me now. Max knows me, yes. But his view of me is biased, compromised. He has the best judgment of anyone I know, except when it comes to me. Why do I affect him like that? What is the basis of this hold I have on him? Certainly not out of a blind love, like I had with Ryan. His fascination with me, he thinks I’m wise & yet naive, he believes I understand all of those things that no one else gets, that I am smart & perceptive. I believe I am something of a mystery to him, he is interested in my struggle with the world. I am slowly allowing him to pull down the veils & walls of that mystery, by letting him into the journal. For me it is like peeling off parts of my flesh, offering him organs & arteries like a sacrificial lamb. This I have never done for anyone, those parts of me have always just been ripped from me, by Ryan, by Bryan, Olivia, even Annie. No one has ever just waited patiently for me to offer them up as Max has, over years & years of allowing me my secrets, my concealment. This means more to me than he could know, & I want to give him this reward, this thanks. I am not sure how he really felt upon finally reading some portions, his ever-stoic poker face, never revealing a single thought. He told me I wrote so honestly, that I was good at making one feel empathetic to my pain. Whether or not he was disappointed, after years of building up that suspense, I don’t know. If he found my subjects trite or irrelevant, when he imagined a different world. Always my fear, he will find me entirely irrelevant, & then my opinions of him & his writing will mean nothing. Then he will have no use for me. My longing to mean something great to him. To be important in his life. I am terrified of pedestals but I sometimes want to know what it would feel like to stand upon one for him. But I would never want to be that unreachable, that idealized image that you can never touch. I’d rather be human, with my flawed flesh, real to him & his whenever he wants or needs me.

I am desperate for his company, I need to hear his sarcastic tone like communion, I need to see those beautiful, graceful hands punctuating his words, dancing through air more rapturous than any magician. The space between now & when I will next be near him seems infinite, a barrier uncrossable. The line that recedes the nearer you think you come to it. This is not my first experience with a longing like this, not so long ago I wrote of how I didn’t know that I could survive without Ryan, how it felt like dying, like living in an airless chamber. How dramatic I knew it was, but how genuine it felt. How I never wanted to be addicted to anyone like that again. With Max it is quite different (as everything with him tends to be), it is not obsession, it is not of the same urgency. It is the difference between a mental addiction & the physical pull I felt with Ryan. With him I felt like I might actually dissipate into air, cease to exist without him, crumble into a sort of non-existence. The absence of a certain self, the idealistic in me, the death of the soul. With Max coming along like the great white hope, he seemed to illuminate everything again. He reawakened the maternal in me I’d thought Ryan had exhausted every bit of, he breathed life into me again. I reexamined my life, saw that I was drowning like Max was, & we became each other’s life boats, holding each other’s head above water. I was not alone anymore, I had an equal, someone to whom art & being an artist was important. Books & music & a certain quality of life. Words were important again, I no longer lived purely by impulse, & he made me see that everything with Ryan was not all my fault, as Ryan would leave me to believe. Max refuses to allow me to consume myself, make myself the absolver of all guilt & blame. For that I am grateful, he keeps me from destroying myself because he sees a worth in me that I don’t. I spoke to him recently about if Ryan wanted me back, & how I see now that the problems he had then are problems he will have his whole life because he relishes the role of the victim too much. I told Max the idea of returning to that depressed me so much, that “I don’t want that to be all I’m worth, you know?” My words so imprecise. But as always Max understood without elaboration. “I get it. But remember that just because he hasn’t grown doesn’t mean you haven’t.” His wisdom. Finding a way to put it into perspective.

A mental addiction. Just as our relationship is built so heavily in our cerebral connection, sort of a mental affair, that is where I miss him the most. Talking to him, the surprise of a random comment I don’t see coming keeping me off my guard, my grand addiction for everything about him. I miss him physically, yes, those times we were able to make love like nothing else existed. The pure pleasure of taking in his body, accomplishing some mundane task with a gracefulness & ease I’ve never seen in another. The way he opens a bottle of wine or chops up vegetables, that precision like performing a symphony, every motion with a practiced, effective ease. Art in movement, he doesn’t even realize how the air seems to shift around him like an aura, he seems unreal, untouchable. When he does touch me I expect actual sparks. He seems so mythical & yet I never lose sight that he is so very real, & strives so determinedly to understand how real people feel & why.

The difference in these worlds of longing with Ryan & with Max, I’m realizing, is experience. I’ve lost Max before. I survived then. What we have now, I know, though not as innocent, pure or unsullied, is richer than I could’ve hoped, more honest & constructive, deeper, feelings more genuine, infinitely better than what we had then. But should this friendship consume itself I would remind myself that I can survive, I’ve done it, it’s possible. With Ryan I was caught completely off guard. I’d never experienced anything like him before, like that relationship. I can’t truly believe that many have. From the first moment our paths became entwined there was that connection, that pull like siamese twins, two interlocking shapes that created an image I’d never imagined I’d fit into. The unexpected element, realizing you were waiting for this all along without knowing you were missing anything the entire time. To lose that is terrifying. You don’t remember who you were before, or how you got along then, as if someone had switched off any available light & left you to fumble blindly in the dark. Frightening, debilitating, like starting at square one again. I am not exaggerating that it nearly killed me. Were it not for Max hitting those light switches, I may not be here.

This is what Max means to me.

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briamichellewrites · 2 years ago

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Mike and Phoenix were laying in bed together after hooking up for the first time. Phoenix had watched some gay porn to get himself ready but it wasn’t the same. They went with their gut feeling. Having it be awkward just made it more special. They were able to laugh about it. They had taken each other’s virginity, or that was how it felt. Mike didn’t know how big he was until he had him in his mouth. They took turns in different positions until they were both satisfied.

He rinsed his mouth out with water before coming back to bed. After laying in bed for a while, they got up and got dressed. I love you. Mike loved him too. The experience was magical. They had chemistry they had never discovered before. It reminded him of the night he and Brie slept together for the first time. She had been a virgin but she had chosen him because she felt safe with him.

Now, she was his wife. When he got home, he found her fast asleep. It was almost seven in the evening, so he figured she had taken a longer nap than planned. He went downstairs to feed the dogs and make himself something to eat.

She finally woke up around nine. He looked at the time in confusion. It was time for bed and she was just waking up? He sat on the bed beside her. She wasn’t feeling well, so she went to lie down. What was wrong? She just felt nauseous but she was feeling better. How did it go with Phoenix? It was better than he expected. She sat up. Her beautiful hair was all over the place. She found a hair tie and pulled it back into a ponytail.

“I don’t want to know how that… worked.”

He laughed. “We’re going to take a break for a while, so I can discover who I am. Thank you for letting me do that.”

“You’re welcome. I don’t fucking care, again if you’re gay or bisexual. I’m not leaving you. I just want the same thing that I’m giving you and that’s an open marriage.”

He nodded and promised to give her that. Was she hungry? Always. He laughed and helped her out of bed. What did she do while he was gone? She tried making herself something to eat but she became too nauseous and couldn’t stand the smell of food. So, she went upstairs to lie down. She answered some text messages before falling asleep. So, she didn’t do much.

That was fine. She was supposed to be resting anyway. They went through the refrigerator until they found something she was craving. He heated it for her. While she ate, they talked about his day. It was nothing unusual. Brad thought Rob was having a hard time with his depression. What was going on? He had moments where he didn’t think he was good enough to be in the band and he beat himself up when he made a mistake. Brad was going to talk to him.

She kind of remembered him having depression when she was younger. He nodded. Rob was sensitive. He just didn’t show it as much as Chester did. When they were in the studio, he practiced up to eight hours a day, every day. He was that hard on himself. Anyway, Brad was going to talk to him in private about their concerns. She asked to be kept updated. He promised to do that.

Yeah, their concerns were justified. He admitted to having trouble with his mental health. Ever since he was a teenager, he had moments where he was too hard on himself. He was on medication, which helped level his brain chemistry but it wasn’t a cure. Brad reminded him that the only person who didn’t think he was good enough was himself. They loved him as their little brother and they would never think he wasn’t good enough. He thanked him for that reminder.

Mike and Chester were with Brie at her checkup. The twins were growing and developing the way they were supposed to. They could see them on the screen moving their arms around. Oh my god! One of them opened their mouth like they were yawning. Mike was already in love with them, as was Brie. The miracle of life. Watching them was like watching fish swim back and forth in a large aquarium.

There was something so magical and relaxing. Did they want to find out the gender of their babies? Yeah. The technician moved the wand around to get a good look at the genitalia. Girls. Chester put his hands up in the air in happiness. Finally! They laughed. Twin girls. The technician asked if he had boys. Yeah, he had four of them. She congratulated him on his girls. Thank you! Mike laughed. He didn’t care about gender because he would love them the same regardless.

It just meant a lot more pink, princesses, tea parties, dresses, and whatever else little girls liked. He would teach them how they deserved to be treated by men and boys. That was with respect. The girls would be best friends from the beginning. His mother was going to be overjoyed to have granddaughters!

She was going to want to buy everything girly. After getting into the car, she called her mother to let her know about the appointment. Patti was very interested in hearing how things went. Everything was perfect. They got to see them moving around on the monitor. Did they find out the genders? Yeah, they were having twin girls! She took a moment to process that.

“Oh my goodness!”

She laughed. “Chester was very happy to learn that! Mike is neutral.”

“Oh my goodness! Congratulations! I’m going to have to tell your father!”

Brie wiped her tears away. After the phone conversation ended, Mike asked if she was okay. Oh, yeah. She was just going through hormones. What did her mother say when she found out about the genders? She was so excited, it was adorable! He laughed. She was going to tell the whole world. That meant family and friends. His mother was going to be the same way.

He planned to come out to his parents before the baby shower. After taking time to think about who he was, he came out as gay. Brie and Phoenix supported him. He decided he couldn’t give her what she wanted because he wasn’t sexually attracted to her. Even though he would always love her, it just wouldn’t be fair. With that, they agreed on an open marriage. They came up with rules and boundaries. He had to be tested every three to six months for HIV.

Unless Chester had the twins, she wanted him home at least two to three times a week to help her out. They also had to text each other about where they were going, if they were having someone over and when they were leaving, or if they were staying the night. He thought those were more than reasonable, so he agreed to them.

He thought about another rule. Once the twins became older and more aware of what they were doing, they could not bring partners home with them and they would not meet any partners until they officially started dating. She agreed with that decision because she heard stories about children being abused by the people their parents brought home with them. Okay. He hugged her happily and kissed her forehead. They said I love you before going into the kitchen to make dinner.

Though they were no longer in love, they were not ending their marriage. They were still best friends, who had become roommates. She was and always would be the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Nowhere else would he find a more patient, caring, and supportive wife. He didn’t want to look for another woman because he had her right in front of him.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

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uwusenpaiuwu · 3 years ago

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Baji Being A Menace To Society (And Your Relationship) 2.0

Sequel to: Baji A.K.A. The Worst (Best) Matchmaker

Summary: Baji’s at it again, acting out-of-pocket and creating chaos for absolutely no reason, other than to see you suffer. In his own Baji-esque way, of course.

Pairing: Sano Manjiro | Mikey x Male Reader

Warning(s): Boku no Pico is mentioned, but there is absolutely nothing graphic; mentions of masturbation

Note(s): I am so sorry if it isn’t funny. Sadly, I am but an amateur writer, not a comedian. Still, I hope you all enjoy! ^^

"(Y/n), want some ice cream? My treat."

Usually, you'd be the first to jump at an offer for a sweet treat, especially when you don't have to pay. However, as of now, the word 'ice cream,' when said by Baji, instantly triggers your fight-or flight-response. Paired with the fact that he’s broke as hell, your suspicions only increase for the sudden indulgence.

Since you know you're no match for the long-haired menace, your body automatically prepares to flee, legs twitching to lurch into a sprint. Unfortunately for you, just before you can get the fuck out of there, your hand is being grabbed by Mikey, who leisurely begins to tug you along to claim your dessert.

“You like ice cream, right?” he turns to ask, eyes unbelievably soft when looking at you.

And because you’re weak for him, all you can do is nod stiffly, trading in your sanity for the pleased grin that spreads across his face, his confident strides thereafter likely a result of him successfully remembering another miscellaneous fact about you, as has been the case since you officially started dating him. From the most trivial of things, like which brand of pens and pencils you prefer, to the slightly more important stuff, like ice cream being one of your favorite desserts; he’s made the effort of remembering them all.

He really doesn’t need to do any of that, ‘cause you’ll love him either way, but the conscious decision to do so is what makes you love him even more.

Zoning back into reality, you shake your head to reorient yourself. It isn’t the time to be going over the reasons why you’re such a lovesick puppy.

No, there are other things to worry about, mainly Baji.

You squeeze Mikey’s hand as you’re led to the nearest ice cream parlor to try and calm yourself. It works for the most part, especially when you get a reassuring squeeze back.

‘Right,’ you tell yourself, ‘it’s going to be okay.’

After all, Baji wouldn’t do anything too drastic, right?

~~~

You were wrong. So, so wrong.

Despite nothing having transpired yet, every alarm in your head is going off, pounding at the door of reason to get you to wake up and realize that it’s Baji you’re talking about, the same person that sets cars on fire when hungry and punches the first unfortunate soul he passes by on the street when sleepy.

You really should’ve listened to your survival instincts and ran. Alas, it’s much too late to escape, leaving you to wallow in your anxiety, while you wait for misfortune to strike.

And strike it does.

“Please, don’t sit next to me. You make me nauseous.”

“That’s cruel. I bought you ice cream, and you treat me like this?”

Yeah, he may have bought it, but you refuse to eat it because of how intensely Baji is staring at you. Fucking weirdo.

"Oh, do you want some of mine instead, (Y/n)?" Baji accentuates his question with a sensual lick to his ice cream from the edge of the cone to the finessed peak, making you extremely uncomfortable as he stares you down with the full motion.

As slowly as he licks his frozen treat do you slowly raise your middle finger, eliciting chuckles from the other occupants of the table.

You think you won that mini battle, though?

Ha! Nope.

Baji mirrors the vulgar action, not once breaking eye contact as he dips the tip of his finger directly into his ice cream, pulls it out, and proceeds to lick that, too.

Disgusted, you promptly avert your attention elsewhere, praying that Baji won’t continue being, well, himself.

Your prayers fall on deaf ears.

"It's cold!" As soon as the exclamation leaves your mouth, your blood runs glacial, knowing that you've unintentionally played into Baji's trap. The appearance of a sly, almost feral, smirk when you whip your head around to glare confirms what you already know.

The curtain has risen, and you’re standing center stage in a performance you can’t break free from.

"Aw, can't let it go to waste,” Baji continues, reaching over to scoop the ice cream you’re 100% certain he purposely spilled on the front of your shirt, with his fingers.

Then, to your horror and everyone else’s shock, he asks, without an ounce of virtue to his name, "Want me to lick it off with my mouth?"

Chifuyu is seated on the other side of the table, hiding his face in his hands. “Baji-san...”

"It'll stain if it dries like that." Dear God, how you wish to un-see Baji batting his eyelashes at you.

“I don’t care!” At this point, you’ve resorted to clumsily scooting your chair as far away from him as possible, which isn’t actually as far as you’d like considering your surroundings. Hell, so long as you put some distance between yourself and the crazy bastard that wants to see you suffer, you don’t mind having to force yourself halfway onto Mikey’s lap. (The firm hand that keeps you steady by the waist proves that your presence isn’t unwanted either.)

"Geez, (Y/n), you're such a scatterbrain."

Seeing Baji sell the line with a slow tugging of his hair behind the ear has you torn between laughing and dying a little more. Truthfully, his acting is frighteningly impressive, and you would’ve applauded his performance, if not for the fact that the role he’s playing still haunts your dreams.

By this time, most of who accompanied you to the ice cream parlor have figured out what kind of drugs Baji is on this time, which also means that those fuckers have seen, or are at least aware of, the cursed trilogy of questionable porn that’s being reenacted before their eyes, with you as an unwilling co-star. Those that are puzzled as to why people are shoving their fists in their mouths to refrain from laughing are obviously God’s favorites.

“The fuck is going on? I wanna laugh at Baji’s dumbassery, too.”

“Pah-chin... I think it’s best you don’t know.”

Interestingly enough, the one you’re most concerned about hasn’t said anything yet, splitting his attention between observing the scene unfolding and eating his portion of a deluxe sundae.

Then, out of nowhere-

“I understand.”

You and Baji freeze where you are, each of you grasping the other’s collar, you to shove him away, and him to draw you closer.

“(Y/n),” Mikey says, your name rolling silkily off his tongue in a tone much too fond for his next words, “if you like roleplay, just tell me.”

...

“Huh?”

“I’m fine with pissing, remember? So, roleplay shouldn’t be a problem.”

Heat rises to your face at an alarming pace, and it continues to climb as Mikey takes your free hand in his, which serves not to comfort but to unintentionally remind you of the humiliating experience from a few months back. And just when you convinced him that you didn’t want anything to do with getting freaky with the body’s excreta, too.

“You’ve got it wrong! I don’t- arfghfgh?!”

Your prayer to help cool down your flushed cheeks must have been heard, but you’re pretty damn sure you didn’t ask for Baji to shove his ice cream in your mouth!

“Oh, yeah. (Y/n)’s a fuckin’ geek when it comes to roleplay,” the unhinged bastard speaks in your stead, indifferent to the nails clawing at his hand clamped over your mouth. “You should try it with him. We were doing a scene from his favorite anime.”

Mikey tilts his head, interest positively piqued. “Which one is that?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, leader?”

Mikey raises an eyebrow.

Baji opens his mouth.

You lunge.

It’s a series of events that happens in the blink of an eye and ends with loud crashing as you tackle Baji to the ground.

“Listen up, Baji Keisuke. We took an oath that day, and if you dare utter a word of what went down, I’ll consider that a breach of the code of secrecy and take you down, making sure you drown in a pit of your own shame and despair.”

Surprised to have been pinned down so quickly, it takes a while for Baji’s brain to catch up, but when it does, he’s frustratingly unfazed at the threat.

“Oho~ How scary. Too bad for you, I have no shame.”

“Not even if I tell Mama Baji where your porn stash is?”

That has the great Baji tensing up.

“You wouldn’t dare use an underhanded tactic like that.”

Your lips turn into a wicked grin. “Are you sure? I have as much dirt on you as you have on me, and like you, I won’t hesitate to use it to my advantage.”

If your grin is wicked, Baji’s is downright evil, showing off his sharp, gritted canines and all.

“You got balls, (Y/n),” he snarls, “but mine are bigger.”

The boy beneath you opens his mouth, and faster than you can stop him, he just...does it.

“(Y/n) (L/n) watched Boku no Pico and liked it!”

Silence.

Silence is all that’s heard for a good, long minute following the booming roar of the revelation.

You dare not look up to gauge everyone’s reactions, instead keeping your icy glare fixated on Baji, who looks smug as shit for having caused the glorious eruption of heat to spread like wildfire across your entire body, from the tips of your ears down to where your skin disappears under the collar of your jacket.

This...

This is war.

Taking in a deep breath, you answer his uncalled for declaration with your own thunderous shout of, “Baji watched Boku no Pico and jacked off to it! Twice!”

Baji laughs. “Oh, pray tell, saintly (Y/n), how many times did you jack off to it?”

“None of your fucking business, asshole.”

“Pretty fucking sure it is, since we were in the same room.”

Someone chokes, while you choke Baji.

“We. Swore. To. Secrecy. You. Asshole,” you practically growl, with each of your words accompanied by a ruthless back-and-forth shaking of the other boy’s person.

“Let up on the choking, dude. I’m not into that. You, however-”

Unable to take the ceaseless slander to your name anymore, you reel your fist back, but, upon seeing Baji’s cheek turned to you, jaw jutted out, as if inviting you to take your best shot, you hesitate. You know you wouldn’t be able to pack enough of a punch to actually leave an impact on him, which is terribly upsetting.

On the bright side, there’s still one tactic you can use that’ll be just as effective, a technique courtesy of your health teacher, who happily taught it to the class to use in case of an emergency.

Technically, it’s meant to be used to assess a person’s level of consciousness, but you suppose it can be used to get back at inconsiderate idiots, too.

“Ow! Ow! What the fuc-! Ow!”

You keep a straight face as you continue to rub your knuckles against his sternum, fully intent on delivering the worst possible pain to the current bane of your existence. It brings a sort of sadistic satisfaction to hear the ever prideful Baji’s screams of pain, and while it doesn’t completely undo the damage done, it does help soothe your wounded self-esteem.

“You want me stop? Beg for it.”

“Pissing, roleplay, choking, and begging? Goddam- OW!”

Your reign of terror comes to its untimely end when you’re lifted up into the air by the armpits, and through the haze of your power trip, you realize that Baji’s saving grace is Draken, who proceeds to carry you out of the parlor with ease.

“People are staring,” he coolly explains when you protest to having unfinished business.

Pouting, you cross your arms over your chest. “It’s his fault.”

Once outside, Draken doesn’t immediately put you back on your feet, until Mikey strolls out of the parlor. Only when the gang leader has his arms outstretched to you are you promptly deposited on the ground and taken into his embrace.

“Are you done letting off some steam?” is the first thing he asks you. Even though you can’t see his expression, the way he holds you and the way he cradles the back of your head, handling you with the utmost care, is indication enough that there will be no reprimand for, essentially, assaulting your division commander. (You would argue that it was an act of self defense against verbal harassment, but whatever.)

There’s just an overwhelming amount of love. So, so, so much love for each other.

“Yeah, I am,” you eventually answer, followed by a content sigh.

“Good.”

Naturally, that’s the perfect time for the tinkling of the bells above the parlor door to pilfer your attention. Baji’s appearance causes your face to morph into a scowl.

You cling tighter to Mikey, peeking over his shoulder to flip the ravenet off and mouth, ‘Go to Hell.’

As always, Baji answers your attempt to appear opposing with an obnoxious smirk.

‘See you there.’

~~~

“Boku no Pico, huh?”

“Draken, don’t laugh! Baji forced me to watch it!”

“All 3 episodes?”

“Twice.”

“...”

“Favorite scene...?”

“As if I’d have one.”

"Actually-"

“Ahh! Shut up! Why are you here, stupid Baji?! You live in the other direction!”

~~~

“Hey, (Y/n). Want to try doing the same thing with me?”

You look up, perplexed. Mikey literally just walked into the room, and that was the first thing he said to you.

“Do wha-?”

Your breath catches in your throat when you turn your head, only for you to come centimeters from bumping noses with him. And because he can, he lovingly knocks your foreheads together, too.

“It’s okay. I promise it’ll definitely be fun.”

You should feel ashamed for recognizing the same sequence of lines from Boku no Pico so quickly, though any coherent words are overtaken by an incomprehensible, high-pitched screech, a feat achieved solely by a teenage boy going through puberty.

A combination of shock and amusement crosses over Mikey’s features then. He’s never heard you make that sound before.

It’s cute. Strains the ears quite a bit, but cute.

While Draken lurks beside him, questioning Mikey’s standards of what constitutes as ‘cute,’ you’re sprinting across the room, red-faced, to Baji, who’s already grinning from ear-to-ear.

“Stop tainting my boyfriend, you piece of shit! Give him back his innocence!”

(Unbeknownst to you, whilst immersed in your fit of hysterics, your use of the word ‘boyfriend’ has a certain blond beaming.

“Did you hear that, Ken-chin? He called me his boyfriend.”

“Wow, congrats.”

Mikey either doesn’t give a shit or is simply too smitten to acknowledge Draken’s apathetic response.)

Baji blinks, unable to believe what you’re trying to insinuate. “Innocent? That little gremlin motherfucker?”

Both of you look in Mikey’s direction. When he sees you staring, he breaks out in a smile and throws a wave.

Your heart involuntarily skips a beat at the sight, and, okay, you’re convinced. Mikey deserves better than knowing of that cursed series’ existence.

Clearly, you’re down bad for Toman’s leader, and as such, Baji figures he can use that to quench his boredom for the day.

“Ooh, if only you knew what he gets off to.”

The tone in his voice instantly rouses suspicion. You narrow your eyes at him. “I don’t care what kind of porn he gets off to.”

“Porn? Nah, ya silly goose-”

“Don’t call me that.”

Baji ignores your comment as he moves to sling one arm around your shoulders, the other raising up to mimic an obscene tugging motion that no teenage boy is a stranger to.

“He jerks it to yo-”

BAM!

One second, Baji is lazily hanging off of your person, the next, he’s sprawled out on the floor, face down, and groaning in pain. You expect nothing less after witnessing him receive a rather impressive flying kick to the chest from Mikey.

Before you can assess the full damage, your view gets obscured by a pair of keys.

“Wanna take my bike out for a spin?”

Yes, you know Mikey is trying to divert your attention from whatever Baji was going to say, and, yes, you probably should check on the figure that has yet to get up.

But do you really care?

You take one glance at Baji’s concerningly unmoving body and quickly come to a conclusion.

You do not.

That being said, you quite literally drag Mikey and, by extension, Draken out of there, chanting an excited, “Let’s go!” on your way, abandoning Baji to wither on the ground.

Baji?

Baji feels betrayed.

~~~

"Chifuyu?”

“Hm?”

“Y’know, I was joking.” Baji flips onto his back with a grunt. “Man, who knew Mikey was all grown up?”

The vice captain of the first division hums, seemingly uninterested in his commander’s musings.

It goes quiet for a few minutes, the sole instigator of noise being Chifuyu flipping the pages of his manga.

Unpredictable is Baji, and the same goes for his train of thought.

“I should punch Mikey for kicking me.”

“No, you’d get beat up.”

“...”

“I should punch (Y/n) for Mikey kicking me.”

Truly, unpredictable and senseless.

“You’d still get beat up.”

Baji opens his mouth to argue.

“By Mikey.”

He promptly closes it.

“Fuck it. I’ll keep spicing up their relationship as payback.”

Sighing, Chifuyu closes his book to crouch down next to him. “Baji-san, with all due respect, you’re an asshole.”

Baji Keisuke has experienced betrayal twice today.

And he deserved it both times.

#mikey x male reader #sano manjiro x male reader #sano manjirou x male reader #mikey x reader #tokyo revengers x y/n #tokyo revengers x male reader #tokyo revengers x reader #Tokyo Revengers #Sano Manjirou #sano manjiro #manjiro sano #manjirou sano #i tried #im so sorry #pls dont cancel me #PSA: don't masturbate in the same room as baji

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thebadgerclan · 3 years ago

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His Turn

Pairing: Severus Snape x reader

Requested by Anonymous

Summary: You’ve cared for him, now it’s his turn to care for you...

Pain. That was all you felt: in your limbs, in your neck, in your head. Hell, your skin even ached. Your leg throbbed with every step, bones screaming with every step, the wound from the necrosis curse not quite healed yet. Madame Pomfrey had kept it from killing your flesh and needing an amputation, but the wound remained, healing unbearably slowly. Bruises littered your skin, remnants from the battle that had nearly claimed yours and your husband’s lives. To sum it up; you felt like a reanimated corpse, craving rest more than anything.

But you couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop. Because of Severus, you pushed forward. His injuries were far more severe than yours, his pain deeper than yours. The puncture wounds in his neck were healing far slower than yours, Nagini’s venom preventing the skin from stitching itself back together at a normal rate. Your husband needed you; he needed you to be strong, he needed you to take care of him, so that’s what you’d do.

You leaned against the kitchen counter, breathing deeply, eyes shut tight. Standing for too long left you nauseous and winded, but Severus was hungry, so you’d get him something to eat. Part of your mind, which is to say, most of your mind, felt that if you didn’t look after Severus, he would die. He’d come so close to death after Nagini’s bite, spending a week in the hospital wing hooked up to IVs, unconscious, thick bandages wrapped around his neck. Severus was still bedridden, but he was awake and lucid. Weak, tired, but alive.

Slowly, you made your way back to the bedroom, a plate in hand, the other trailing on the wall. Severus was propped up on a mountain of pillows, bandaged around his throat, a book on his lap. “Here you are, love,” you said, trying to sound peppy, but your voice betrayed you. Your husband had indeed noticed your fatigued state, but for the most part, he’s choked it up to how hard you were working to care for him. But now, as he watched you stagger over to him, shadows under your eyes so dark they might have been painted on, breathing heavily, limping, he realized that wasn’t the case at all.

“Y/N, darling, are you alright?” “Hmm? I’m fine, Sev. Perfectly fine.” You were lying, and you both knew it. And as you sat down on your side of the bed, a little too hard for his liking, Severis took the plate from your hand and set it on the bedside table. “Y/N, look at me,” he said, taking your face in his hands. As soon as he touched you, he felt you deflate, going limp, leaning into his touch. “Oh sweetheart. You’re hurting, aren’t you?”

Tears welled in your eyes, and you nodded, letting the weakness and vulnerability you’d felt for days spill over. “Yes, Sev. I’m in so much pain.” Your husband felt his heart crack clean down the middle, and he shifted you so you were tucked into his side, your face in his chest, his arms tight around you. “Y/N, my love, why haven’t you said anything?” You sniffled, rubbing your eyes.

“Because you’re hurting too, and you almost died, and there’s part of me that thinks you still might, and I need to take care of you,” you explained, breath coming fast, tears pouring down your face. Crying made your head hurt worse, but you didn't care, you couldn’t stop. “I need to take care of you, Severus, because I’m so damn scared of losing you. I almost lost you, and I won’t let it happen again. But Sev, I’m so tired, I can’t keep this up. Everything hurts; it hurts to walk, to stand for too long. Merlin, I’m so tired.”

Severus pressed a long, lingering kiss to your forehead, wrapping his arms tighter around you. “Oh Y/N, my love. Sweetheart, you don’t have to keep doing this. I am not going to die, Madame Pomfrey reassured us of that. I’m getting better, Y/N, you don’t have to work yourself to the bone. You need to rest and heal too, my darling.” “But-” “Shhh,” he interrupted, looking into your eyes, which were brimming with tears. “I appreciate you taking care of me, but you need to stop. You’ll shut down soon, and I won’t let that happen.”

“I’m just still so worried about you, Sev,” you said, and he nodded. “I understand, sweetheart. But you’ve taken care of me for weeks, let me take care of you now.” You lifted your head so you could look at your husband properly. “Are you sure? You’re still on bedrest, I don’t want you pushing yourself too hard.” “I’m sure, my love. Madame Pomfrey said I can start getting up and moving a bit if I’m feeling well. And I am. So, it’s my turn to take care of you.”

It felt like a weight had been lifted off of your chest, like you could breathe again, and fresh tears spilled over. But these were tears of relief; relief that your husband was getting better, that he was feeling well enough to get out of bed after weeks, relief that you could rest and heal, that Severus would care for you as you had cared for him.

“I love you,” you whispered, Severus wiping your tears with his thumb. “I love you, Sev. Thank you.” “You needn’t thank me, my sweet. I will always take care of you. I love you too, Y/N. I’ll take care of you now.” You smiled, resting your head back on Severus’ chest, his heartbeat against your ear, lulling you into a deep, dreamless, content sleep.

#severus snape x reader #severus snape x you #snape x reader #snape x you #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter reader insert

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johnsamericano · 3 years ago

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𝔖𝔲𝔤𝔞𝔯 ℜ𝔲𝔰𝔥 𝔧.𝔧.𝔥 •3•

I hope this ain't getting shitty. Thank you for reading, sexy people. Send me a message or an ask if you'd like to be added to the tag list.

warnings: hungover jaehyun, age gap, hospitals, nothing too extreme.

sugar rush m.list.

taglist: @thoreeo @trustmahluv @sunny-nyu @nanascupid @silent-potato @painted-hills

Yoonoh woke up on a strange bed, the mattress stiffer than the one he had back home. He refused to open his eyes, fearing that the daylight would worsen his headache.

“Wake up, sunshine.” He groaned, all the memories from the past night hitting him like a truck. “Come on, I made breakfast.”

His eyelids finally fluttered open, frown softening at the sight of you in a messy bun and your cute pajamas.

“How come you look so fresh?” The dark circles under his eyes had deepened in the span of a few hours. Thank God he didn't have to work that day.

“I always look fresh.” You seemed to be more comfortable around him. Perhaps it was because you had to tuck him in last night. “Up.”

You tugged both of his limp hands, forcing him to sit up.

“What did you cook? It smells nice.” He scrunched up his nose like a little kid.

“Eggs, bacon, and hash browns.” Fast as lightning, he got up from bed. On his way to the kitchen, he noticed the blanket hanging from the edge of your sofa. Disappointment pinched his heart.

“Why didn't you sleep with me? You would've been more comfortable.”

You set two plates on the small table, pulling the pan out of the stove to serve them.

“You spread yourself all over the bed as soon as I laid you down.” You lied successfully. You didn’t have the heart to tell him you weren’t that comfortable yet.

You let the pan down on the kitchen counter, taking a seat in front of him.

“Do you still want to visit my father?” Sparkling orbs stared at him timidly, fearing his answer would be negative.

“I mean…” You hummed, trying not to give it as much importance. “I do want to go!” He quickly corrected himself, frantically shaking his hands. “It’s just that I don't want to meet your father like this.” He pointed at his bed hair, which had only become messier since he woke up.

“You’re acting like he's gonna see you.” There was a slight bitterness in your tone, along with a fake grin.

“Alright, let's do this instead...” Yoonoh sat up straight, clearing his throat as if he were about to give a speech. “We’ll have breakfast, you'll shower quickly, and then we’ll drive to my house so I can fix myself. How does that sound?”

“So I'm finally gonna see your mansion? How exciting.” You kicked his leg teasingly under the table, his cheeks inevitably dipping as he tried to suppress a smile. “I bet you have some peacocks in your backyard.”

“And there's also a dolphin in my pool.” He let out a hearty laugh, extending his arm over the table to grab your hand.

His house was most definitely not what you expected.

It was about the size of the one you grew up in, the decoration inside minimalistic. There were no expensive paintings framed with pure gold, only pictures of him and his family. There was a small backyard you could access through the French door in the kitchen. Half of it was occupied by a greenhouse.

“I had to donate the peacocks to the zoo.” He whispered as you looked through the glass door, squeezing your shoulders with his slim fingers.

“What a shame.” Hesitantly, he wrapped both of his limbs around your torso, letting his chin rest stop of your head. Your heartbeat was thumping loudly against your chest. Yoonoh surely felt it but decided not to comment on it.

“There’s a Tv in my room in case you want to watch something while I shower.” A hint of mischief adorned his honey-like voice. “Or you can come in and watch me instead.”

“Stop!” Your elbow connected with his ribs out of pure panic, making him bend in pain with his hands covering the injured spot.

“It was a joke...” He whispered, teeth gritting together.

I made him mad, you thought. Should you escape or face the consequences of his anger? All thoughts erased from your mind as he grabbed your calves, lifting you over his shoulder.

“Put me down!” You hit his back with closed fists, unable to see the expression on his face. “Yoonoh!”

He went up the stairs, proceeding to enter his room and throw you on his bed. Thousands of dirty scenarios crossed your mind before he threw himself on top of you, crushing your bones under his muscular body.

“My...ribs...”

“Oh, sorry, what is that?” To make matters worse, his fingers tickled your sides, provoking a fit of desperate giggles to escape your mouth. “I’m not hearing an apology.”

“Sorry! Sorry!” His hands finally stopped, giving you time to breathe. Nonetheless, he remained laid on your chest, using his forearms to lift his weight. “Aren’t you gonna shower?”

“I like you.”

The confession was so sudden, so raw it took you some time to finally react. But you had no words to give him an answer, instead, you combed your fingers through his long hair, massaging his scalp while waiting for him to speak up again.

“I never thought I'd be feeling more than friendly affection for you. Our agreement doesn't include love, after all. But I've started feeling like a teenager all over again. I can't help but get excited whenever you call me. Do you know how sweet your voice sounds through the phone?” He sighed, discouraged at your lack of response. “I guess you're not there yet.”

Instead of verbally answering, you planted a sweet kiss on his head, right where small, grey hairs had started growing.

“I’m not good with words.”

“That’s alright.” He snuck his hands under your back, holding you tightly as a sudden need to nurture you took over him. The mature image he had of you faded in less than a second, leaving behind a young, troubled woman. “I’ll shower quickly so we can go see your pops. I bet we’ll get along just fine, maybe even go golfing when he wakes up.”

“I forgot you're almost the same age. Creepy.” He smiled, though uneasiness started steering in his guts.

“Does that bother you?” He asked without giving it a second thought.

“I don't know yet.”

(...)

The man with high cheekbones and bruised skin laid limp on the hospital bed. Yoonoh had been working on his case for about a month, yet, it only started feeling real the moment he entered the room.

“This is my dad.” All emotions had escaped your eyes as if your soul wasn't there anymore. Only an empty shell.

“You look so much like him.” he was afraid touching you wouldn't be the right thing to do, so instead, he said: “He seems like a suitable golf buddy.”

Tension finally loosened its grip around his body as you snorted, pigment returning to your cheeks. Finally, he wrapped his hand around yours.

“He will wake up, y/n.”

“He’s taking his sweet time.” You glanced back at the laying figure, skinnier with every day he spent asleep. “I want someone to pay for taking away the last person that loved me.”

The last person that loved you. Would Yoonoh be able to fill that spot? Not yet, probably. He couldn't modify the depth of his feelings, but he could surely give you the vengeance you longed.

“Do you trust me?” With your eyes still glued to your father, you nodded. “Then I can assure you we’ll win the case.”

“I know we will.”

He sat silently with you, holding your hand without saying a word. The smell of alcohol and the beeping noise of machines made him nauseous. He hated hospitals. You noticed the change in his demeanor, his hand becoming cold while holding yours with strength.

“Do you wanna go?”

“No!” He smiled through the pain, scooting his chair closer to lay your hand on his lap.

He wouldn't agree to get his ass off the plastic chair. You had to tell him you were hungry for him to finally stand up, still clutching your hand like your father did when you were still a kid. His parental behavior caused several emotions to stir inside your guts, so mixed up you couldn't quite put a finger on any of them.

“What do you want to eat?” The tension finally left his body once out of the building.

“Soup.” You smiled while swiping your thumb on top of his knuckles. “I know a place, but to be honest, it isn't good. So we can go to the store and get the ingredients to- but you can't cook.”

“I’m up for a cooking lesson if you are.” He wanted to see your pretty smile again. Maybe making a fool of himself would help. “Let’s hit the road.”

“Wow, so cool.”

“I know.”

(...)

“Can you grab that can of chicken broth?” You pointed at the high shelf, letting go of Yoonoh’s hand to allow him to move freely

“I have a better idea.” He dragged you by the arm so you were standing in front of him, trapped between his body and the shelf. “I’ll lift you so you can reach it.” Matching his words, his hands grasped your waist, ready to carry you.

“Stop!” You slapped his hands repeatedly between giggles. Ignoring your complaints, he started lifting you. “Yoonoh!”

“Yoonoh?” A feminine voice had him placing you back on your feet in less than a second.

“Seryeong, I didn't expect to see you here.” His hands remained seated on the curve of your waist.

“Neither did I. I was surprised when Sungchan told me you'd left early yesterday.” She seemed a bit older than you but still younger than the man behind you.

“I had some matters to take care of.” She eyed you from head to toes with a smug grin plastered on her lips. Just by the look of her clothes, you could tell she was as wealthy as Yoonoh. You feared the scene would turn into a tv worthy drama.

“I’ll go get the chicken breast.” You tried escaping his grip, only to be pulled closer to his warmth.

“No need to. It's already inside the cart.”

Why am I so dumb?

“Does your father know about your little girlfriend?” She asked without hesitation.

“I guess.”

“And why didn't he tell me anything?” She cocked an eyebrow, his hands finally loosening around your body and allowing you to move from your position.

“Look, this is something you should talk about with him. Now, if you excuse us...” With a hand on your shoulder, he began pushing the cart to the next aisle, the chicken broth long forgotten.

“Is this some kind of arranged marriage situation?”

“Something like that.” His hands were tense while holding the cart, knuckles turning white from the strength used. “Before you start asking, I'm not really in the mood and I don't want to direct my bad mood toward you. Let's talk about something else, alright?”

Who was that woman that had the power to turn him into a literal raging ball of fire with just a few words?

#nct au #nct imagines #nct ot21 #nct smut #nct x reader #nct #nct scenarios #nct 127 #nct angst #nct jaehyun #nct fluff #nct jung yoonoh

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anniesocsandgeneralstore · 3 years ago

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Anonymous and @blooo0ooop requested baby Flagman and Dad!Flag and I am more than willing to give it

If I Go Universe - Sebastian Knows (Rick Flag x OC)

Summary: Rick and Dee had a plan. Settle into the new house, get married, maybe have a kid when they finally feel like they have the rhythm of this new life down. But as has been said before: The future is not set in stone.

Pairing: Rick Flag x OC / Squad Family & OC (Delphia Holman)

Word Count: 2370

Warnings: fluffffff, pregnancy, vomiting, language, dad!flag, definitely some suggestive language

Timeline: February 2022

if i go masterlist

A/N: yeah sorry I don't post on a schedule and I've been posting like crazy....but I'm just in love with this little family and I cannot be stopped

It was a beautiful day. One with cause for celebration. Rick caught the murderer, with help from DuBois, and was home safe with only a few scratches. So Delphia had cooked up her fiance’s favorite. Shephard’s pie with a cheesy top, green beans, homemade rolls, and sweet tea. Such a country boy at heart.

She held his leg tightly under the table as they ate. Her grip fierce and thankful and trying to express more than she ever could with words. It had taken everything in her not to look into the future of the case he was working on. When he was gone from the house questioning people or following a lead, she would keep herself occupied with anything and everything so she could remain focused and present. She trusted him with her life. She could trust him with this. So the house was immaculately clean, Harley’s hair was re-dyed, the spring garden was planted, and Abner had a job interview with the local state park working cleanup.

As they all ate, DuBois recounting how he had swooped in and saved Rick’s ass, Rick placed his hand on top of Delphia’s. She looked up at him, eyes glossy with joy, and he smiled. A small and grateful thing that made her hours of worry so very worth it, before he nudged her forehead with his own. He breathed in deep, closing his eyes as he practically fell into her.

“He didn’t save my ass,” he whispered, causing a giggle to rise up in Delphia’s throat, “I was doin’ just fine without ‘im.”

“Sounds like he figured out the last piece of evidence, though.” She nodded her head towards DuBois with a smile.

“Fine — I’ll give him that,” he sighed, nudging her head with his one more time before going back to eating the last of his meal.

“Seemed like you guys made a good team.”

“Yeah. Yeah, we did.”

“Maybe…Maybe you could start doing this — with DuBois,” Delphia suggested nonchalantly as she picked at her remaining green beans.

Rick’s brow furrowed. “What like…Start a PI office?”

“Something like that.” She shrugged, giving up on eating anything more. “DuBois’s been struggling to find work and you’re both more than qualified and — and you were never gonna be happy lazing around this house anyway.”

“Baby girl — I was gonna be more than happy to laze around this house with you for the rest of my life.” He lifted his brows in thought with a slight grin. “But if you’re suggesting I get do something else on the side — “

“Just shut up and do it, Flag.” Delphia knocked his shoulder with her own playfully. “Before I change my mind.”

“Yes ma’am. I’ll talk to DuBois after.” Then he seemed to notice how much food she had left on her plate. “You okay, baby? Ya hardly ate anything.”

Delphia looked down at her plate with a furrowed brow. She felt like she ate a ton, satisfied and maybe even a little nauseous if she thought hard enough. But Rick was right. She’d barely touched her shepherd’s pie — maybe a few bites taken out of each thing on her plate.

“I — I’m okay. Just not very hungry I guess.”

Rick took DuBois out onto the back patio with a couple of beers once dinner was over. It was still relatively cold outside, so they started a fire in the firepit. Nanaue was back out in the pool as soon as he was let up from the table. Harley and Abner joined the rest of them outside, though when DuBois told them to fuck off they began trying out the volleyball net Rick had put up the week before.

“Would you like some help with the dishes?” Cleo asked with a smile.

“Absolutely. Wash or dry?”

“I can wash.” Cleo stepped up to the sink, taking Sebastian from her shoulder and setting him off to the side.

Delphia eyed the rat curiously as Cleo dunked the first pan into the soapy water. He was sniffing at the air, little hands ringing together as he did so. Then he climbed up onto the windowsill behind the sink and crossed over to Delphia’s side. He sniffed at her hand, small wet nose nudging at her skin before he looked up at her with his head cocked.

Delphia sighed as Cleo passed her the now-washed pan. “He just wants to swim in the water doesn’t he?”

Cleo looked over at her rat companion with a smile. “Possibly. He did really enjoy it last time.”

“You’re just gonna have to wait until we’re done with the dishes,” Delphia told him pointedly as she set the pan on the rack to finish drying completely.

But Sebastian wouldn’t stop smelling her hand and looking up at her expectantly. Like he had done a good job and was deserving of a treat. Cleo seemed to notice this strange behavior too. As she handed Delphia the next clean dish, she paused and watched as Sebastian pointedly crawled onto Delphia’s arm, took a big whiff of her skin, then looked across the sink at his caretaker.

“Okay, that cannot be him just wanting to go for a swim.”

“No, it’s not,” Cleo agreed, “I think he smells a change in your hormones, Dee.”

“You trained him to track human hormones?” Delphia asked as she gave Sebastian’s head an affection pat.

“Everyone has a unique signature — it’s good for following people in crowds.” Delphia did not want to know the reason Cleo needed for having rats track someone. “And he tells me when I’m about to get my period. Maybe that’s what he smells on you.”

Right. Her last period was…A while ago.

Oh, fuck.

Her last period was a while ago.

Delphia’s gut reaction was to snap her head up and look at Rick through the window above the sink. But he was distracted by the deep conversation he was having with DuBois. Beer bottles in their hands and serious faces illuminated by the crackling fire between them. Delphia looked back down to her occupied hands as they dried the next pan and swallowed hard. It felt like a rock had settled somewhere low inside her gut. Making her all the more aware of the fact that there may be something actually in there. And as she and Cleo continued to wash the dishes in comfortable silence, Delphia was far from it. Her hands began to shake, her tongue felt heavy in her mouth, her mind felt like it was too loud.

They talked about kids a few times. But any talk involving having any was also always paired with a plan. Buy a bigger house, get married, actually feel settled into this new life that they’ve given themselves and one day, maybe, start having kids. It was always just such a big if for them. They housed dangerous criminals for a living. Not exactly a healthy environment for a child. Not to mention that Delphia had reservations about the possibility of any of their children inheriting her powers. Growing up with them was a bitch and she was unsure if she was willing to put someone else through that.

God, but Rick would be a great dad. There was evidence enough in his interactions with his old squad members. He was gentle in his correction, stern but kind, and more than willing to joke and play when it was necessary. And as Delphia looked out the window at him one more time she could picture it. Him sitting out on one of their deck chairs, just like he was now, with a little baby bouncing in his lap. The image brought sudden tears to her eyes that she had to hide from Cleo.

There was no need to get ahead of herself though. Sebastian could be wrong.

Once the dishes were done, Cleo said, “Come, let’s join them outside.”

“Er — I’m gonna go upstairs really quick, I’ll be out in a sec,” Delphia replied as she dried off her hands, “Do you mind, when you get the chance — just tell Rick to meet me upstairs?”

Cleo nodded before pulling open the sliding glass door and stepping outside.

Making a beeline for the stairs, Delphia took them practically two at a time in order to get to the bathroom faster. She had a test under the sink. The second one from a two-pack after a moment of uncertainty nearly a year ago. She closed the door to their bedroom but left the bathroom door open as she took the test. Once it was fully saturated, she set the test down on the counter, set a timer, and waited.

She pressed a hand to her chest as she sat down on the edge of the tub. Her heart felt like it was going at light speed. She took a deep breath to try and calm herself down. But it didn’t seem to work. Her leg bounced and she couldn’t keep her hands still — her fingers constantly going through her hair or pinching at her face.

“Hey, Dee, Ratatouille said you needed somethin’?” Rick’s voice carried in from the bedroom as he walked inside.

“I’m in here,” she called to him, voice shaking.

“You okay?” he chuckled nervously as he stepped into the doorway of the bathroom, then, being the observant man that he is, he spotted the pregnancy test on the counter and his eyes went wide. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah.”

Her voice was small. So much smaller than it usually was and Rick reacted in kind. He moved across the bathroom to her in one easy stride and knelt down before her. In Rick’s presence, her leg had stopped shaking and her heart had slowed, but she couldn’t stop the big child-like tears that were falling down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she frantically wiped at her reddened face, “I shouldn’t — I shouldn’t feel as scared as I do — “

“Hey, hey, hey,” Rick shushed her quietly, taking hold of her hands and gripping them fiercely in her lap, “It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay.”

“I just….I just don’t want you to think I don’t want this.” Freeing one of her hands, she reached up a hand to his cheek, felt his stubble beneath her fingers, and she smiled. “Because I want everything with you — forever.”

“God, you really do love me don’t you?” he asked with a smirk.

She pushed at his face gently with a light laugh, but then she couldn’t help but coax him into looking at her again. “Yeah. I really do love you.”

They waited in silence for the timer to go off. And all Delphia could do was look at Rick. The distinct line of his jaw. The light stubble on his upper lip and chin. She traced his cheekbones with her fingertips, looked deep into those golden eyes flecked with green that looked back at her with such admiration and affection. She trailed the line of a scar over his right eyebrow. Parted his lips with the pad of her thumb. Yeah, any kid of his was going to be cute. And he was going to be with her every step of the way — no matter what. And yes they may live in a house full of ex-convicts and yes the kid may inherit her powers and yes this wasn’t exactly fitting into their future plans — but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter one bit because she had Rick Flag at her side. And really, what more did she ever need?

The timer went off suddenly and loudly. Delphia nearly jumped as she reached for her phone and shut it off as quickly as she could.

“Do you want me to look first?” Rick asked softly, giving her fingers still splayed across his lips a kiss.

“No,” she replied, dropping her hand from his face, “I want us to look together.”

He nodded with a smile then helped her get to her feet. The white and blue pregnancy test sat almost ominously on the counter. Like a single actor illuminated by spotlight on the stage — about to give his last soliloquy. Delphia stood closest to the sink. Rick stood at her back, chest pressed up against her spine and reassuring hands on her hips. Her fingers no longer shook as she grabbed the test. Breath stilled in her lungs. She could feel Rick’s muscles tense, pulled taught, waiting as she lifted it into view. There was the little screen. They could read it now.

Pregnant.

“Oh, my God,” she laughed, looking at Rick’s face in the mirror’s reflection with a shocked smile.

He smiled right back. She could feel his chuckle reverberate into her spine and ribcage. She put the test down and laughed again. She was pregnant. And she watched, almost dazed, as Rick’s hulking form curled around her. As his head bent over her neck, trailing sloppy kisses up and down her skin. As one of his hands skimmed under her shirt to rest against her belly.

“You’re stuck with me now, Holman,” he murmured into her shoulder.

“Not stuck.” She placed her hand over his and pressed it more firmly into her flesh. “Not if it’s you.”

He hummed into her neck. His fingers slipping into the waistband of her pants — drawing a gasp from her. Then he muttered, “Anybody else know about this?”

“Sebastian.”

Rick paused in his ministrations. “The rat?”

“Yeah,” Delphia chuckled, leaning back into his form, “But I don’t want anyone else to know for a while. That okay?”

“That’s perfect.” He gave her neck another kiss, his hand sinking further between her legs. “Something just for us — for a little while.”

But before their celebrations could really get anywhere, Delphia felt a sudden stirring in her stomach. She tore away from Rick and collapsed over the toilet, spilling the dinner that she barely ate back into the porcelain. As hot saliva dripped from her mouth she groaned, feeling most definitely not in the mood.

“Wanna just cuddle in bed instead?” Rick suggested with a laugh.

“Yes, please.”

Taglist (if you would like to be added for future installments just let me know): @bbygrgu @a-reader-not-a-writer @slayerx147 @xoxabs88xox @kasey-puff @witchygagirl @the-pink-petite-princess @blooo0ooop @woodlandmouth @csigeoblue @rexorangecouny @h-hxgirl @thisisthewayrose @blondiekook @darkestbeforethedawn16

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theladyismyshepard · 4 years ago

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Oh wow you guys, almost 600 followers? I am confusion, but I appreciate all of you more than you’ll ever know! You guys are what keeps me inspired and going and to show my gratitude, I’m here to (hopefully) give you everything you’ve all been asking for

Well This is Still Awkward

Part 1

You were still frozen to your seat, unable to comprehend, much less control your legs. Denial was a son of a bitch and surely if you sat completely still and stared blankly into nothing, your girlfriends would come walking through and embrace you as if nothing happened... right?

You couldn’t hide away in denial forever, not when you could hear Daniela wailing from behind the thick door of Alcina’s office. Not when you could hear Cassandra’s voice raising, only to be silenced by an even louder one. Not when you could hear Bela pleading with her mother not to do this... they were losing the argument. You couldn’t help but to start trembling in your chair at the prospect of being stolen.

Lady Dimitrescu had said that she would return to fill you in on what was to happen now and that almost sounded like a threat to you despite her assurances that no harm would befall you. If this woman could hurt her daughters like this... How could she possibly care what you had thought or felt about the issue? You swallowed, unsure if you were up to every demand the Lady might have for you, and you had the distinct feeling that any objections from you would only make your life harder.

The door to her study opened with a groan, and you stiffened when the Lady herself ducked through the doorway, already finished with dealing with her daughters. You practically felt like a deer caught in the headlights when she straightened and her gaze settled on you, and the fond smile did nothing to calm your racing heartbeat. Her eyes dropped to look at your chest as a result, and you gulped as you watched them darken.

“I am terribly sorry if I kept you waiting for too long, my dear.” said the Lady, and if you looked closer, you could see the exhaustion that showed just how truly tiresome her daughters’ arguments had been.

You opened your mouth, ready to argue yet again, but something flickered across her eyes that had common sense screaming at you to snap it closed and ignore the way your teeth clacked together. The satisfied smile on her face showed she approved of your quick learning, and you couldn’t help but to frown, already understanding the difference in your relationship with the Lady and the relationship you had with Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela. She didn’t bother returning to her desk, instead choosing to tower over your seated form.

“Are you hungry, dear?” asked the Lady, her eyes surprisingly kind as she looked down on you, and that was worse... it had you diverting your gaze.

“Cassandra fed me,” You replied almost petulantly, and if she caught your attitude, she chose to ignore it.

“Oh that is even better, that means we can get straight to it,” said the Lady, unaffected by your tone. “Follow me, please.”

“Yes, my Lady,” You said monotonously, denial and bargaining giving way to just straight numbness.

You moved to stand, your head already ducked down, but a hand was quick to grab your shoulder. It wasn’t a violent grip, but the firmness of it told you to hold still and give your attention, and when you did, you could see the pinch between her brow as she frowned at you.

“Please, call me Alcina,” she insisted rather earnestly, and it had some sort of tension resolving inside of you. “You may call me so anytime you choose.”

“Thank you, Alcina,” You said, her name drawling off your tongue for the second time as you were quick to remember your manners.

“Now,” said Alcina, clapping her hands in what you could call a “chop chop” fashion. “Shall we continue with the day?”

“Yes, Alcina,” You nodded, and her smile brightened and it had your rigid shoulders marginally relaxing.

“Right this way then, dear,” guided Alcina, her hand returning to your shoulder, but gentler this time as she ushered you forward and out of the office.

As you passed through the threshold, the paralyzing thought struck you that you would run into Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela at some point, and you honestly couldn’t decide if you wanted it to happen sooner or later. Everything had happened so fast it was hard to believe that just that morning, you were waking up with Daniela pressed against your body. Less than an hour ago, you were eating and throwing playful banter at Cassandra before she was going to take you into town! Why did this feel like goodbye?

You felt your breath hitch as apprehension gnawed in between your rib cage, leaving you breathless and unable to focus on reality around you let alone formulate words. Your heart was thumping wildly in your chest and if you didn’t know any better, you’d swear you were having a heart attack. But the way your stomach felt too large to be contained in your small frame and the way dots littered your vision, and the way you needed to get the hell out of here, you knew you were possibly headed towards a full blown panic attack.

“Where are we going?” You could barely hear yourself you were diving so far into your own head.

There must have been a tremble in your voice, or maybe it was the way it sounded so disconnected from you, but Alcina turned her concerned gaze on you and the hand on your shoulder cupped your cheek. You two had come to a stop right in the middle of the hallway, and you still felt too exposed. While you ached for your girlfriends, you couldn’t possibly look at them as you gave into their mother’s whim.

“I am just taking you to my quarters, do you think you can make it there?” pressed Alcina, watching you like a hawk, and you swallowed and nodded quickly, determined to shake off the panic that was intricately weaving itself inside of your chest, captivating every inch.

“Lead the way,” You said, giving a nervous laugh to mask the fact that your organs were so seized with anxiety that it had you nauseous.

“Are you alright?” Alcina couldn’t help but to question, and you nodded (her hand slipping from your cheek) giving her a rather halfhearted smile.

“Oh, yes, I’m fine, just ready to hear my duties,” You insisted almost desperately, unwilling to speak lest tears fill your eyes at the mere mention of the root of your problem.

And yet again her brows furrowed as concern shone in her eyes as well as a little exasperation. If you didn’t know any better, you could swear that she was on the verge of pouting, but she refrained as she brought her hand to your shoulder. You refused to acknowledge the way your muscles relaxed underneath the small, deliberate circles she began drawing there. Instead, you focused on the crick that was about to form in your neck if you were to continue staring up.

“I would hope that with time, you don’t see this as a duty.” implored Alcina, and all you could do was finally turn away to look at your feet, but you gave a single nod. “I meant it when I said I see something special in you.”

There it was again, an insinuation of something special... It was beyond you what she had meant by it, but you found whatever “it” was to be a nuisance seeing as it got you into this mess. You weren’t even sure what your new relationship with the Lady was exactly, so you supposed it would be in your favor to just smile and nod along rather than argue. It certainly didn’t do her own daughters any good. But there was just one question that refused to be held back behind your teeth. So you craned your neck one more time and let it free.

“What exactly is it that you want from me?”

Rather than look offended or angered by your question, Alcina adopted a thoughtful expression as she dove deep into her own head to pick the right answer. She gnawed on her bottom lip nervously and you couldn’t help but to be thrown by how human it had made her look. Her eyes met yours and you found that you couldn’t take the intensity behind them.

“I want you to love me,” Alcina whispered oh so courageously, and you squeezed your eyes shut tightly and let your head hang.

I already love three Dimitrescus.

You were smart enough to keep that to yourself, and you turned towards the direction of her room, showing your willingness to comply still, and while it wasn’t quite a display of affection or approval of her words, it wasn’t the outright rejection that swelled and expanded in your chest, ready to burst forth, but too afraid to take shape. So you decided to continue on day by day, step by step, minute by minute. Who knew how things were to play out.

You took a single step forward before turning back over your shoulder to give Alcina a look as if to say “Are you coming?”, and you felt warm when she wore a fond smile in return, directed solely at you. She straightened her posture, determined to put the moment behind you as she continued on as if she didn’t just say what she said, and you were all too willing to let her.

Her hand was glued to your shoulder the entire rest of the way to her bedroom, and only dropped it to open up the door and guide you through before ducking low to allow herself entrance. It was warm, the hearth in full blaze as you stepped deeper into her room. The door closed behind Alcina with a small click, and it had the knots of anxiety returning to your gut. You knew she claimed to have wanted your heart, but that also entailed your body, and it had your frame wracked with tremors.

“Please, you may take a seat,” insisted Alcina, and you automatically plopped down into the large chair with your back facing the fireplace.

“Yes, my-”

Alcina clicked her tongue, and you quickly bit yours, catching your reflexive mistake. Your face burned.

“I did not mean it as a demand, and from this moment forward, nothing is meant as such unless I say otherwise.” said Alcina, taking a seat in the chair opposite of you.

“Then what are my duties?” You questioned, your brow furrowing at having it that easy. “Surely there is more that I am meant to do for you around here.”

“There is nothing that I necessarily need from you as far as house duties are concerned seeing as I have maids for that purpose.” said Alcina, pursing her lips, and a streak of boldness had you daring.

“Then what makes me yours?”

The way her eyes flashed dangerously had you paralyzed in your seat, and it didn’t help when she slowly raised herself up from her own chair, and without even taking a step forward, she bent over, both of her hands landing on either side of you, gripping tightly at the arms of the chair. She was so close that you could smell the overwhelming scent of smoke coupled with the hint of perfume that attempted to make itself known. At that proximity, you could see every line on her face, from the ones surrounding her smirk, to the ones crinkling at the edges of her eyes... and that didn’t even include the stretch marks that threatened to disappear below the plunging neckline of her dress.

“That would be this, darling.” drawled Alcina, and before you could protest, her face was buried into the crook of your neck.

And then she bit down hard. It was so piercing that it drew enough blood to dribble down your throat, but it was obvious that you didn’t have to concern yourself with the cleanup, not when there was a wet tongue that went hand in hand with the teeth buried into your flesh. Your eyes hurt from how wide they had grown, and your mouth was open in a silent scream. One of her hands had come up to grasp the whole opposite side of your neck, locking in you and any sound you thought to make. Your hands flew up to push at Alcina’s shoulders, yet she didn’t budge, too focused on her mission... of what? Marking you? Showing how interested she was in power play? Was this possibly even for her daughters?

You eventually gave up on your weak attempts at deflecting her, and your hands fell limply into your lap, and she hummed her approval into your neck before she withdrew enough to flatten her tongue against your neck and giving a single long, slow lick, and she granted you the sight of her leaning back and savoring the taste of your blood on her mouth. You felt dizzy.

“My, my,” whispered Alcina, going as far as to lick her lips clean. “You are the delicacy that I always imagined you to be.”

How long have you thought about this?

You didn’t have to look into a mirror to know that your throat was bruised. From the dull throbbing, you practically felt marked. And there was Alcina’s endgame it seemed, and it left you with a sickness in your stomach as you thought of the looks that would surely cross Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela’s eyes when they caught sight of the claim. You were betraying them, and right before their faces with their own mother no less! How could you possibly get yourself out of this family affair?

“Did you have any more questions?” drawled Alcina, finally sitting back into her own chair, and her smirk was setting you on edge. “I am always happy to answer appropriately.”

I don’t have the time, and you don’t have the patience.

You simply smiled albeit tightly, and asked, “What happens now?”

She was leaned all the way back into her chair, her elbows resting on the arms before she was hooking her fingers together, her index fingers gently tapping almost thoughtfully. Her eyes remained on you, they always did, and they almost always seemed predatory, like she was several steps ahead of you and you didn’t even realize it. What possibly had you so different that you were capable of captivating an entire family of cannibalistic women? Finally, her mouth opened to speak.

“You are by all means, mine, and the only demand that I have for you is that you know this fact.” said Alcina, and you knew to take her very seriously.

“I can assure you, that is something I can’t forget.” You promised almost sarcastically, but you knew to tame the sharpness of your tongue, lest it get you into trouble. “But what do you want me to physically do for you?”

The sudden touch of wickedness to her grin had you blanching at the way her mind went with it, and it was you who threw it out there no less. The ache was returning to your stomach, and you sincerely hoped that your face wasn’t expressing everything your mouth was wanting to. If she was picking up on your hesitance, then she made no indication of it other than smoothing out her smirk and lifting her chin.

“There will be time for physicality later, my dear,” she swore, and you shivered beneath her gaze. “But for now, I want to know everything about you.”

“You want to... talk? About me?” You were suddenly full to the brim and bubbling over with questions it seemed.

Alcina’s eyes softened as she detected the incredulity in your tone at the mere thought of having a full blown discussion surrounding you of all things. If she picked it apart any deeper, she’d sense the insecurity underlining your voice as well, but that was for a different time you supposed. You weren’t even sure if you could string together a conversation long enough to last more than a couple minutes if it consisted of nothing but yourself. The Dimitrescus were the ones with insinuations of something “special” or something “more”, not you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to think so.

“Yes,” started Alcina softly, her lips barely moving. “I want you to share what makes you... well, you,”

“What if there’s nothing to say?” You finally choked out, your brow pinching with worry. “What if you all find out that I’m not really as interesting as you think.”

With how quick you hung your head to hide your eyes, you missed her frown in response. But you did manage to catch her hand reaching to curl around your own, and you decided to relish in the surprising comfort it gave you rather than fight it. But once a hint of the thought flickered across your mind, it wasn’t long before you were comparing the way her hand enveloped yours rather than linking and fitting like a puzzle piece that was meant to be connected.

Like Bela’s.

Like Cassandra’s.

Like Daniela’s.

Your eyes squeezed tightly shut, but just as a single tear betrayed you by spilling from your eyelid and dripping down your cheek, the hand not holding yours cupped your chin and tilted your head up until all of your emotion was on display for her.

“You could never bore me, if that is what you are afraid of,” assured Alcina, looking you squarely in the eye to convey as much meaning as she could, and you couldn’t help the warmth flooding your chest.

“Well, this place has been such a big part of me that I can hardly remember who I used to be before.” You said rather meekly, ashamed that you couldn’t separate yourself from anything Dimitrescu anymore.

“Oh, my love, we have all the time in the world to help you remember.” Alcina cooed, now cupping both of your cheeks and you could’ve sworn you saw a glint of affection swirling in her eyes.

If your lower lip trembled, she made no comment of it as her eyes flickered to your mouth before glancing to the side and pulling away altogether. Her back was straightened once again and her hands were in her lap as she regarded you with a look you couldn’t decipher. Your only option was to sit and wait until she gave you some insight into what was playing through her mind. Fortunately, it didn’t take all evening.

“You miss my daughters.” It wasn’t a question as much as it was a statement of fact that she couldn’t ignore any longer.

“Very much so,” you pressed almost desperately, and you couldn’t understand the ache surrounding your heart when her shoulders slumped. “I was very happy with the three of them.”

“They are endearing girls, I love them equally for all of their charming behaviors.” Alcina agreed, and the smile that curled the corners of her mouth so easily had you knowing that her admittance wasn’t even begrudging. “I can see why you fell for the three of them.”

You could hear the drawl on the one word and knew exactly for what she was getting at, and you blushed a deep scarlet. Maybe it did seem weird from the outside looking in, but the relationship you had with her daughters gave you a relief that was astronomical. You had never known peace nor acceptance as you did basking in their light, and you were afraid it was flickering out.

“I love them,” You forced out, voice tight enough to get stuck in your throat. The mark pulsed when you swallowed.

You knew it wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but it was what you needed to say, and you couldn’t afford to pick apart and figure out the way your heart seized once hurt clouded her expression because of you. Instead, you chose to focus on how hurt her daughters had been, weeping in the hall for your relationship. You needed to see them.

“As they love you, I have been informed,” muttered Alcina, almost petulantly as she recalled her previous argument with her daughters. “They were capable of seeing something more to you than the other livestock that supports our winery as well.”

Everything about the Dimitrescus puzzled you, and it always left you scratching your head when you attempted to figure out what was so captivating about you, when it was clearly every single one of them that were so special. The power hidden beneath their skin and coursing through their veins was something to behold, and when they transformed into hoards of insects before you, you couldn’t resist catching onto the few not quick enough to get away, and the exceptional part was that you could distinguish who the insect was a part of.

You knew everything about Bela and how weighed down her shoulders were from taking on the world for her family. You understood Cassandra and her unwillingness to admit that she required a special kind of attention that she secretly felt neglected of. You basked in and guarded the comfort that came with Daniela’s almost childlike naivety. Your love for every one of them was obvious.

“In the end, someone is going to get hurt,” You deduced, pointing out the obvious. No matter how the story ended, love was going to hurt one, if not all of the Dimitrescus.

“If you are to take just one thing from this, do know that life is always here to test us if nothing else.” Alcina noted dryly as she reached for something on her side table before she hoisted herself from her chair.

She was putting some distance between the two of you and it was something you were grateful for. The clicking of her heels indicated where she was headed to, and you were aware of her presence with sense of sound alone. You didn’t have to glance over to know that she was hovering in front of the fireplace, her glassy eyes barely absorbing the dancing flames. The sharp, distinct clink of her lighter flicking open caught your attention before it snapped close with a clunk, and you sat rigidly in your seat, hands clasped tightly in your lap as Alcina audibly exhaled a puff of smoke. You waited patiently, but her following silence pushed you to wrack your brain for what you thought she might be waiting to hear.

“Does heartbreak feel worse when you have forever to hurt?” You whispered, wanting insight into Alcina, but also extremely timid to take the one step that was too far.

You finally craned your neck to glance over your shoulder and towards the hearth where she stood. The muscles in her back were so rigid they were stuck in knots that you could practically see from where you sat. Smoke billowed in the air before Alcina with every exhale, and that was the only sign that she was breathing at all, and you couldn’t help the guilt that began gnawing on the bones in your chest. You came into the castle and wrecked the family from within, and all you had to do was be yourself. You were getting so wrapped up in your own mind that you had to quickly zero back in on Alcina’s response before it missed you entirely.

“Forever is a long time to dwell, and contrary to belief, time hardly heals when the mind keeps it fresh.” sighed Alcina, her shoulders finally slumping forward beneath the weight she was carrying. “No matter how hard you push heartache to the back of your mind...”

“You have all the time in the world to circle back to it,” You finished for her, your eyes falling to the floor as you felt too unworthy to even glance in her direction. “I’m so-”

“There is nothing that your consolation nor your pity can do for me.” Alcina spat, and your teeth snapped shut with an audible clack as you bit back anything else that you thought to say. “Actions have always spoke louder than words, my dear, now what have you got to show me.”

You know what she’s wanting from you, she’s already said it, but matters of the heart couldn’t be forced, no matter if death was the only other option. As Alcina had basically just said, you could play the part of her lovesick puppy with words of false promise all day, but when the night fell along with your reservations, it wouldn’t be love that laced your touch. However, that didn’t stop your heart from yearning for this woman’s happiness. She deserved to feel the wholehearted acceptance of pure love, but was that really your job to take care of?

“I don’t want to hurt you,” You promised, your brows creasing with concern as you tried to convey how earnest you were with your eyes alone.

And how funny the situation was now, how the tables have turned... Now, here you sat with the ability to destroy the nearly invincible woman before you, and you could do it with mere words alone in a way that a sword, gun, or dagger never could. You felt sick at the power, and what were you to do? Alcina had made it perfectly clear to you as well as her daughters where she stood on stealing you away — your hand subconsciously rubbed the mark on your throat — but here you were to watch the aftermath as time helped realization to dawn on her. The extent of her feelings were true and legitimate, but she also showed a callousness that cut her daughters deep, and you think she was questioning if it was all worth it. Your mind drifted back to something she had said.

Time hardly heals when the mind keeps it fresh.

It would hurt Alcina to live the rest of your lifetime watching you spend it happily with her daughters, just as much as it would hurt Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela to lose you to their mother. It was hard to wrap your mind around; it was nearly laughable it was that ridiculous, but it was your life now, and it didn’t exactly feel like it was in your hands.

“Then don’t,” said Alcina, and you honestly couldn’t tell if it was an order or if it was a plea, but it added the pressure all the same.

“Will you ever let me see them again?” You asked, almost legitimately afraid that she would hide you away from her daughters forever.

“You would still be in the castle, would you not?” countered Alcina, arching a brow as she gracefully returned to her seat, placing her tobacco pipe back onto the side table.

“What do I do?”

When Bela cries to me... When Cassandra persuades me... When Daniela begs me... When I want to give in...

“You listen to me,” said Alcina simply, emphasizing her nonchalance with a shrug. “When you feel like it’s all becoming too much, just listen to me when I say I love you.”

But does love give you possession?

Alcina was walking the fine line between love and obsession, and it was all you could do to keep her swayed from the “obsession” side of the scale. You found that you only liked it when Daniela showed her obsession over you, and you didn’t have the mental capacity to juggle two sanity-impaired Dimitrescus. Daniela.

You cleared your throat in a futile attempt to dislodge the lump that formed there, and you briefly wondered if it was your entire argument that was stuck, choking you and itself down. Alcina had an answer for every one of your questions, and while it was a bit irksome, you also felt the fight leaving your body and leaving you slumped. Reality was finally sinking in that you weren't going to be able to talk your way out of the situation now, and you cursed the false hope that had bloomed in your chest. Now it was just prickling your lungs like thorns and it was difficult to breathe past.

"I wish you were happy... with me." Alcina faltered, sighing heavily, and the sound alone was like a punch to the gut. "And I think you could be with time."

But I want to be happy now. And I was.

"Where are your daughters?" You croaked, emotion finally getting the best of you, and if you were cracked anymore, you were surely to break into pieces.

"Wherever they want to be," Alcina answered rather aloofly, and while your brain was aware enough to detect the icy tone underlying, you also found that you were shutting down and not caring about actions and consequences.

"I need to see them, right now," You pleaded, and something told you to protest against her already opening mouth. "Please!"

The desperation came off of you in waves, and maybe it did smell kind of pathetic, but sometimes happiness comes from saying, "fuck it", and from the widening of Alcina's eyes, you could deduce that no mere mortal has had the courage to say it before you. And you almost wished to take it right back, to eat up the words and keep them as your burden when the hurt was so evident and clear in the Lady's eyes at your urgent demeanor. What cut you even deeper was when you caught the exact moment the pain masked itself with anger, and you suddenly understood her that much more.

Alcina was a woman who knew how to give, you've seen as much when she interacted with her daughters. She would give the moon and wouldn't hesitate to give the stars as well if that wasn't enough. She gave her time and her patience to the Dimitrescu winery that supported the castle and their status, and you knew it wasn't for her benefit alone. Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela had become Alcina's drive, and it was possible that she had grown exhausted of giving up everything she had to them once it came to giving up her heart.

Alcina was a woman who knew how to take as well. She took opportunities for what they were, and she was crafty at taking what she wanted, but she also unfortunately took a lot of shit. She accepted it with a tight smile from Mother Miranda and every time, the smile felt too wrong to be marring her face. She took the "family" dynamic between the four houses with a grain of salt, though that wasn't to say she was above petulance when she was hidden alone in her bedroom with her notebook. All in all, she was a woman of give and take, and somehow, you had wiggled your way like a parasite through her hard exterior, and she was now a woman allowing herself to put her own happiness first. You could respect that in itself. But now you’re ruining it.

“They really are very special girls,” repeated Alcina, her fingers tapping orderly on the arm of her chair as her eyes narrowed. “I understand how hard it must be to stop loving them.”

“And I won’t!” You clapped back without too much thought to the volume of your voice. “We had plans today! And tomorrow! And after that! This hurts me!”

Alcina’s face was stoic as she refused to emotionally acknowledge your words. She was eyeing you like she was questioning what her next approach should be, and she wasn’t willing to share until she had the upper hand. But you also suspected that she needed time to compose herself once more before she could try to reply. Alcina was more complex than some could fathom or even handle, and you almost wished she had gotten to you first, but you couldn’t deny that your heart was pulling in three different directions already and you loved it. But you also couldn’t deny the impulsive urge to hold and comfort the woman before you who was breaking silently inside.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone!” You exclaimed louder than you’ve ever been, all energy gone, released into a single sob.

Your shoulders slumped and your head hung as tears filled your eyes before spilling over down your cheeks. The weight was finally overwhelming, and you were crumbling beneath the pressure pushing you down. There was no thought to anything aside from Bela, Cassandra, Daniela, and Alcina crying for you and lost love, and it left your chest so achey that it scared you. Was there really a gaping hole there or did it just feel that way? You were drowning in your own sorrows so much that you didn’t notice three different insects squeezing beneath the crack under the door, nor did you notice Alcina place a comforting hand on your knee. Only when you felt small legs crawling in your palm, up your neck (over Alcina’s mark) and into your hair did you reflexively jerk.

You knew not to swat at them however from experience with their insects, and you were able to discern that Bela was sending you comfort in your palm as she did when she held your hand. The insect on your neck was Cassandra and you knew that because she always buried her face into your neck when either of you needed comfort. Daniela was nestled in your hair seeing as she always loved running her fingers through it. Each offered their love in their own ways, and that’s what you loved about your relationship with all of them.

“Their care and protective instincts over you is astounding,” mused Alcina, watching the three insects latching onto you. “They have never... loved anyone this way.”

You smiled warmly down at Bela sitting still in your hand before you allowed yourself to hear the melancholy in Alcina’s voice and glance into her eyes. She looked absolutely pained, and your heart broke that you put that expression there. The walls she surrounded herself with only allowed her to grow attached to her daughters, and you want to throw up at the thought that she fell for you and you threw it right back in her face. You were so unworthy to even be in her castle let alone her presence.

“Neither have you,” you whispered, too drained to speak any louder now, but also afraid that if you did, the statement would be even more loaded than it was.

“And what to do about that, hm?” countered Alcina, putting the ball back into your court, and finding enjoyment in the way you squirmed.

Cassandra’s insect bit into your neck, just over the bite mark that was already there. She would always enjoy showing her dominance over you, and you were sure she had something to prove to her mother at the moment. Of all the sisters, Cassandra would be the most stubborn one to crack, so you didn’t know why you expected her to grant you to her mother so easily. Your fingers twitched as you held back the urge to scratch the little insect away from your flesh.

And Bela was there, circling your fingers in an attempt at possible affection. She was the sister you went to when you needed comfort and good old fashioned sympathy. She seemed like she always understood your pain, and she was good with words of love and consolation. The way her hand squeezes yours to convey her support had you missing it when it was gone.

And naturally Daniela refused to be pushed to the side and she was back to running through your hair, tickling your scalp, and while it was less enjoyable in her insect form, it was Daniela, and you would never refuse anything she asked of you. And most of the time, all she wanted was to be enveloped in all things you. So really, who were you to deny the both of you the comfort she was trying to give with making her presence known to you.

You couldn’t imagine your life without the dynamic you and the sisters had gotten comfortable with. There was plenty of trial and error to get to the security of where you were, but you wouldn’t have changed anything about it... just like you were having trouble letting it change now. So what were you doing entertaining Alcina? Better yet, what were you going to do now that you had her hooked?

“You deserve someone who loves you fully and completely... You don’t deserve to always be paranoid about your lover pining over your daughters.” You said gently, your eyes thoroughly sorry and pleading. “I don’t think I can love you the way that I want to see you be loved, not with Bela, Cass, and Dani always being there to think about.”

Something in Alcina’s eyes flickered when you spoke, and while you were deathly afraid of what her response would be, it didn’t prepare you for when she suddenly moved, quick as a flash, and one of her hands were on your shoulder and the other was tangling in your hair. You were too startled to recognize that her fingers brushed Daniela’s insect from your hair. A gasp barely had time to escape your lips before Alcina was capturing it with her own. Your eyes widened as you felt the force behind the kiss, the desperation, the love, but you also felt the fear locked within that she refused to let out, lest she come across as weak, but here it was, everything presented to you, and you had to close your eyes from your mind in a whirlwind. From the mixture of hard pressure and soft lips, it had you frozen with her hands on you, not accepting but not pushing away; entirely unsure.

Alcina’s door slammed open and while your nerves screamed at you to jump away from sensory overload, her grip tightened around you to keep you in place long enough for the new occupants of the room to get a clear view. And the familiar growl, gasp, and cry had you ill as you were finally released far enough to turn away and look into Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela’s eyes. Cassandra looked angry, but you could see the pain she was trying to mask. Bela looked betrayed and a little sick, and was unwilling to look at her mother, her eyes unswayed from you. Daniela had tears in her eyes as she looked between you and her mother, her eyes darting to your mouth, and then her chin wobbled when she saw her mother’s lipstick smeared across your lips. You opened your mouth, and after a moment of opening and closing it like a floundering fish and still failing to come up with anything appropriate to say to ease the tension, you sighed, eyes shut tightly as you refused to even look at the problems happening before you.

“Well... this is awkward,”

——

I’ll decide to end it there because I love to torture. I think I might be inspired to slowly add more to this over time

#bela dimitrescu #cassandra dimitrescu #daniela dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu's daughters #lady alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu’s daughters x reader #alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu x reader #resident evil village #resident evil 8

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