#like i’m a little hungry. but i’m more nauseous than i am hungry :/

[neon-in-the-night-time]

help i’m trapped in the “doesn’t eat lunch because they’re nauseous, is nauseous because they haven’t eaten lunch” cycle again

[themultifandomgal]

Hi lovely, love reading your work!!!! Could you do one either Connor Rhodes x reader or Will Halstead x reader where she gets really sick with the flu or something and basically gets wiped out for the week, just her boyfriend/ husband (whatever works better) fussing over her doing all kinds of checks on her, just overall caring?

Connor Rhodes- Full Of Flu

Connor and I have been dating now for quite some years. We met through my sister April since she works at the same hospital as Connor and of course dating a doctor means that if I’m ever ill, he knows best.

I wake up early in the morning to Connor’s alarm going off, but the first thing I notice is how sore my throat is and how bad my head hurts. Groaning I throw the bed sheet over my head

“Not going to give me a morning kiss?” I hear my boyfriend says from next to me. I shake my head in reply, but quickly realise that’s a huge mistake. Groaning again I push my face into my pillow “what’s wrong?” Connor asks removing the bedsheet from my head

“Head hurts, throat sore”

“Hmmm you do feel warm” Connor places his hand on my forehead “let me take your temp” he says leaving the bedroom before quickly returning with a thermometer, painkillers and a bottle of water. Connor takes my temperature and sighs “102. I’ve got a 12 hour shift today, but if you start to feel worse message me”

“Ok” i hum to Connor placing a gentle kiss on my head before getting dressed then leaving the bedroom.

I must have fallen back asleep for some time because when I wake up again the sun is shining and next to me on the bedside table is a bottle of water, painkillers and a little note. However I feel worse that I had earlier. My body is now aching, my nose is stuffy, I also feel a little nauseous too. Still feeling extremely tired, I decided what’s best is to just have a bed day today.

12 hours later Connor returns home and I’ve got progressively worse, having to go to the bathroom a few times to throw up

“How are you feeling?”

“Like crap” I reply shivering in bed

“Have you eaten anything?” Connor asks sitting on the edge of the bed

“No. Been sick”

“Just drink the water slowly, little sips. Can I take your temp again?”

“Yeah” I sigh

“103.3 Jesus baby it’s going up”

“M’cold” I say wrapping the bedsheet round me more

“I know, but you can’t get to warm. Let me go and get some more Tylenol and water”

As the days go by Connor is amazing and thankfully with his help I start to feel better, however this flu does take it out of me. After 2 days I start to eat a little more, connors homemade soup has been a life saver, but I’ve been so tired. Connor has got me out of bed and in clean pyjamas

“Can you try and eat a bit more?” Connor asks looking at the soup in my bowl

“Not hungry”

“I know but you’ve got to eat. Just have 3 more mouthfuls”

“Fine” I give in knowing there’s no point in arguing with him

“Good. Once you’ve eaten then I’ll run you a bath and wash your hair for you. Then we can go to bed”

“And cuddle”

“Yes and cuddle”

“Thank you for looking after me”

“Always. April said she will come over tomorrow on her day off while I do my shift”

“I’ll be fine on my own”

“I know you, you’ll stay in bed all day, won’t eat and will probably forget to drink anything. Aprils coming over, end of story”

For the rest of the week Connor takes care of me, and I start to feel better, however I must of passed the flu to Connor because he’s now the one having to have someone check his temp. Nothing worse than a doctor getting sick because they won’t ask for help or let someone else take care of them. Connor may be stubborn, but so am I. It’s my turn now to look after my boyfriend and I can honestly say I don’t mind one bit.

[dr1lldash]

venture x medic!reader 1.4k, pure fluff (pls note i have not written in years and wrote this in like an hour bc i cannot stop thinking about them) (part two)

You met Sloan on a dig in Cairo. You were a medic, which was a relatively easy job with the Wayfinders. The dozen or so crew members were usually careful, the keyword being usually.

You were sitting in your tent, triple checking your supplies when you heard footsteps rapidly approaching. You barely had time to turn to the tent flap when it was whipped open.

“I’m fine, I swear!” someone protests as they’re pushed inside. “It’s just a little bump on the noggin!”

“Sloan, you passed out for almost a minute. You can come back as soon as (Y/N) gives you the all-clear, but not until then. If it’s really just a little bump, you’ll be back before the end of the day.” You recognize Carrie’s voice, but not the person she’s talking to.

“This stinks,” they mutter, kicking at the ground before looking up at you. You only had a moment to look closer at them, noticing a bruise forming on their forehead underneath a mop of curly, dark brown hair. One of their thick eyebrows is pierced, and it was slightly swollen. They look back at you for a second, unblinking, before wiping some dirt off of their face. “Uh, hi! I’m Sloan.” They stuck a hand out at you.

You look at their hand, covered in dirt, but shake it anyway. “(Y/N),” you respond. “Are you hurt?”

“No!” they insist. “I mean, I fell a little bit. But not that far! My head barely even hurts!” Your eyebrows narrow slightly in worry. You reach out and touch their forehead, barely brushing up against it, and they wince and pull back.

“This doesn’t look good,” you tell them. “Can you sit for a minute?” Sloan does as you say, almost onto the cot behind them. You turn around to grab an ice pack and some painkillers, and they look around the tent.

“It’s pretty nice in here,” they say, more thinking out loud than talking to you. “It gets so hot outside.”

“I can’t imagine that coat keeps you cool,” you respond, handing them some pills and a bottle of water. You hold the ice pack to their forehead. They wince again, but don’t pull away this time.

“No, but I’m not really outside that much. Once you’re a few meters in the dirt, it gets freezing.” They pop the pills into their mouth and swallow them with a swig of water. “Can I go back now?”

“I need to make sure you’re not concussed.” They pout slightly, letting out a sigh. “It won’t take long, I swear.”

“Okay, okay,” they concede. You ask them about symptoms, and they tell you that they’re not nauseous, lightheaded, or tired, but their head is pounding a little bit, which is to be expected from the size of the bruise that is slowly but surely still forming. Their loss of consciousness concerns you, and you have them lay down for a minute.

  “Did you eat breakfast?”

“I had a granola bar.” They pause. “Well, it was a cereal bar, technically, but it’s the same thing, right?”

“Uh, not really, but at least you got food in your stomach.” You check in your cabinet, and pull out a bag of beef jerky. “Can you eat?”

“Ooh, yeah!” They happily take the bag from you, and start munching. “Do you always have snacks in here?”

“Of course, you’d be surprised how many people don’t notice they’re hungry til they’re about to pass out.” The two of you chat about different things while they work through the bag, and when they’re done, they finish their bottle of water.

“So, am I okay to get back now?” You check the time on your watch, about an hour has passed since they came into your tent and they still seem fine.

“Yeah, but come back if you feel nauseous or anything, okay?”

“Uh-huh!” They swing themselves around so their legs are dangling off the cot before dropping to the ground. “I swear.”

“Alright.” You smile at them. “Be safe.”

They flash you a chipped-tooth grin back. “I always am! Well, usually. Bye!” They wave at you as they walk out of your tent.

You don’t see them for the rest of the day, so you assume they’re fine. The next day, however, they’re back in your tent as the sun is setting.

“Sloan, are you okay?” You’re worried as soon as they enter, but they flash you that grin again.

“Yeah, I just thought you’d miss me.” You can’t help but smile at them. “Plus, the bruise is kind of killing me. Can I have some painkillers?” You glance at their forehead, and their bruise is turning a deep purple. It’s normal, it should be expected, but it doesn’t look comfortable, especially with their goggles pressing on it.

“Of course, but you shouldn’t take them on an empty stomach.”

You turn to grab painkillers and a granola bar for them, but before you can, they ask, “So we should grab dinner?” You’re not sure why you’re slightly surprised, but you agree. So you can make sure they’re not having any concussion symptoms, of course.

“Yeah, that sounds great.” You beam at them. You hand them the painkillers and the two of you walk out of your tent, towards the bonfire next to where the kitchen staff have set up. You tell them to sit as you grab plates full of food for the both of you, and by the time you get back to them, they’re twiddling their thumbs and watching the fire.

“Thank you!” They grin up at you as you hand them their plate, quickly digging in. They bounce their leg ever so slightly as they eat, leaving the two of you in a comfortable silence. You can hear the conversations of the rest of the crew around you, more murmurs than anything else. When the two of you are done eating, Sloan takes your plates back to the kitchen staff to be washed. You sit, looking at the slowly dying fire, and you’re slightly surprised when they come back to sit with you.

“Do you like ice cream?” You’re not sure what you expected to come out of their mouth, but it isn’t that. “I asked the kitchen staff to keep some safe for me, and I wanna share. I-if you want it, of course.”

The heat in Cairo has been getting to you the past several days, and even though the night was cold, the heat from the bonfire leaves you sweating. “That sounds perfect right now.” They stand up, holding a hand out to you.

“Follow me!” You take their hand, following them as they practically run to the kitchen staff’s trailer. You’ve been inside a few times, only to restock on water and snack foods, but Sloan seems to know where everything is. They grab bowls and spoons before dishing out a generous serving of vanilla ice cream. “I would usually bring a couple flavors, but they told me they didn’t have room this time.”

Sloan hands one of the bowls to you, digging into their own as soon as their hand is free. “Ugh, this is so good,” they practically moan. You take a spoonful, letting the cream melt in your mouth before swallowing it.

“I honestly can’t remember the last time I had plain vanilla.”

“What? But it’s the best flavor!”

You shake your head. “Strawberry.”

They tilt their head from side to side like a see-saw. “Hm, okay, I’ll concede to strawberry. Rocky road, too.”

“It’s been years since I had rocky road.”

“I’ll get you some once we’re done with the expedition.” They freeze as they bring their spoon up to their mouth. “I mean, if you want to. And if you can. I don’t want to assume -”

You interrupt them. “That sounds great, Sloan.” They continue eating their ice cream, a content smile on their face as a soft blush spreads on their cheeks.

“It’s a date,” they mutter. You’re not sure if you were supposed to hear it, but you’re glad you did. Once the two of you finish your ice cream, they clean the bowls and spoons and put them away.

They take you back to your tent, the two of you being as quiet as possible. You’re not sure how much time had passed, but it seems like everyone else had already gone to bed. They grab your hand and squeeze it for just a second, smiling warmly as they wish you goodnight.

When you crawl into your sleeping bag, there’s a smile that won’t fade and a warm feeling in your stomach.

[babygorewhore]

Scars. Kai anderson Smut.

Requested by Anonymous!

You have two dark secrets. Both of them you try and keep behind closed doors. However, your boyfriend Kai, knows something is going on and is determined to find out what it is.

Warnings: DARK! Eating disorder. Self harm themes. Virgin! Reader! Oral! Male and female recieving. PnV! Spanking. Do not read if these themes make you uncomfortable! A bit of a slow burn.

You shoved another piece of food down your throat despite you feeling sick. Kai chatted aimlessly with one of his members. Something you still weren’t used too. Members. It was a cult. Something he frequently denied.

You had never had a boyfriend before, just a few infatuations here and there as you grew up. The relationship was a jump start. He first kissed you last month after only knowing you two days. He somehow knew you were inexperienced. A virgin. You grimaced at the word.

Nausea grew in your stomach and you got up quickly, rushing to the downstairs bathroom. Kai watched silently as you closed the door. You only had a few minutes, you stuck your fingers down your throat.

You gagged before the contents came up, emptying your stomach as you held the toilet. Afterwards, you scrubbed your mouth clean and rinsed with mouthwash. You glanced in the mirror. Your cheeks were puffy. It looked like you cried instead of making yourself sick.

You hated your body. Hated the way it looked in pictures. You mostly hated your stomach. You gathered the flesh in your hands, wishing you could just slice it off. Could you? You thought about what you brought with you to Kai’s house. You didn’t bring any blades with you, since you didn’t plan on staying more than a couple of days.

A knock sounded at the door and you quickly smoothed your clothes. Opening the door, you found Kai leaning against the frame. “You okay, doll?” He asked.

You nodded rapidly. “Yeah. Just a little nauseous.” Kai immediately held the back of his palm to your forehead. “Are you okay? You feel a little warm.” His eyes swept over your face and you leaned away. Nodding.

“Yeah. I’m okay. Um…where am I going to sleep?” You felt stupid for asking but you were nervous. Kai smirked at you as he grasped your hands together.

“With me, of course.” He pressed a kiss to your cheek, lingering on the spot before he let go. “Upstairs. First room on the left. Get yourself comfortable. I’ll be up later.” He gave you another kiss before he turned around. You sighed in relief before going upstairs.

His bedroom was big, his bed made and everything was organized. Except for the drawings and notebooks all over his desk. You glanced around, paranoid he would come in at any second. You crept forward, lifting one small notebook up and you read the contents.

‘She’s always wearing long sleeves. Avoiding questions. I can tell she has things she’s hiding from me. I’ll get it out of her. Eventually.’ Your stomach plummets as you put the notebook back where it belongs.

He was suspicious. You had to be more subtle with it. You subconsciously wiped your mouth, trying to make sure nothing was leftover. You were growing hungry again. Given you never kept the contents of your meals down. Your stomach growled as you miserably laid on the bed.

You were tired. You hadn’t been home all day. You were hot, it was summer and you were in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. You ignored the sweat pooling on your forehead as you turned over.

Somehow you had drifted to sleep but you woke to the feeling of lips brushing your nose.

Your eyes opened slowly, you found Kai leaning above you, his face inches from yours. He smiled at you as you woke up, the blankets wrapped around your legs. “Kai?”

“Mmmm, sorry it’s so late. Baby.” Kai captured your lips in a heated kiss. His hand pulled you from the back of your head, his tongue brushing against your lower lip, inviting him in.

“Kai-“ You spoke, trying to pull your face away. But Kai kept kissing you, pulling your lower lip with his teeth. “Kai- I’m not ready for this-“ You protested as his hand settled low on your hips.

“Shhh. I know.” Kai said as he deepens the kiss. He settled inbetween your legs, kissing down your neck as he sloppily sucked your pulse point. His hand drifted to your stomach and you froze.

“Stop.” He paused, leaning up to look into your eyes.

“Something wrong?” He questioned. You shuffled out his hold and pulled your shirt down, hating that you remembered what he wrote.

“I’m not ready.” You repeated, smoothing back your hair. Kai pulled back and you dreaded the next couple of seconds but he took your hand and kissed your knuckles.

“I’m sorry, little lamb. I got carried away.” You gave him a small smile as he gave you another kiss.

“You’re so shy.” He chuckled and you looked away.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend.” You sighed and he nodded. “I know that’s lame for someone my age.” You shrugged.

“It’s kind of hot. That no one else has gotten to do this.” Kai leaned forward to kiss you again. Pausing over your cheek. “It’s addicting. Kissing you.” He said.

“Really?”

“Mhm.” But he pulled away. Still holding your hand. “I really came in here to tell you. I’m going to be gone tonight. I have a message to send.”

“What kind of message?” You asked him.

“Mmmm. You’ll see. Soon,” He rubbed his nose against yours before exiting the bedroom.

When you turned on the news in the basement, two days later. You were shocked. A brutal slaughter of a couple. Stabbed to death. The smiley symbol. The same Kai was always drawing. You were cold as you realized how deep this really was.

You paced in the basement as the hours went by. He still wasn’t home. Your stomach burned from throwing up repeatedly today from stress.

Why could he be so soft with you, yet be such a brutal monster outside? The door opened. You looked but saw it was only samuels. Who sneered at you.

You couldn’t take it. The anxiety. The dread. None of it. You marched upstairs, to his bedroom before going to his bathroom. You opened the cabinets, relentless in your search before finding his unopened box of razor blades. It wouldn’t make a difference if you took only one. Just one would be enough to last you for a few days. Carefully tucking it back, you lifted up your scarred stomach.

You breathed heavily as you bit down on your shirt, wincing as the blade went across your skin. What you didn’t notice, was that Kai opened the door.

“Y/n!” He shouted and you jumped. Whipping around. Your eyes widened in horror as he rushed towards you. He yanked the razor out of your hand. Throwing it across the bathroom.

“What the fuck? What are you doing?” He snarled at you. You flinched back, intimidated by his anger. This wasn’t usually how he was towards you.

Kai went to lift up your shirt that was stained with blood but you leaned back, avoiding his hand. “Don’t.” You said.

Kai ignored your plea as he pulled your shirt up, revealing the new wound along with several old scars. You tried to shimmy away but he was stronger than you. As he held you still, his eyes raked all over your body. He pulled your shirt over your head, despite your protests.

He had never seen your body. Never outside of a oversized shirt. Leaving you in your bra. “Step out of your shorts.” He commanded. You shook your head wildly.

“I can’t do that.” He started to pull them down and you smacked his hands off.

“Stop it.” Tears welled in your eyes but you didn’t have any fight as he pulled back. Pointing to your shorts.

“Take them. Off.” He ground through his teeth. You shook as you got out of your shorts.

You were only in your bra and underwear. Exposing all of your secrets written on your body. Your stomach growled as he stared at you. You trembled as he reached forward, taking in your scars with his finger tips. You lowered your head.

“Mmm, my little innocent girl.” Kai tsked as he brought up your arm. His lips brushed against the biggest scar but you pulled back.

“What is going on? The way you run off to the bathroom. Hiding behind your clothes. This is it? You cut yourself?”

“It’s not just that! I-I don’t like myself.” You stuttered.

“What else? What else have you been doing?” Kai cupped your chin, forcing you to look at him.

“I- I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have a choice. Tell me. Right now. Or else you’re not getting these back.” He pointed to your discarded clothes.

“I throw up. I force myself to throw up after my meals.” Kai pales. Shaking his head, he cups your face.

“My little lamb, you’re in so much pain.” He cooes. “Is that why you don’t want me to see your body?”

You nod slowly, his thumbs rub circles over your cheeks before he leans back, taking in your figure. He spun you around slowly, before setting you straight before him. “You’re real pretty. You know that?”

You shook your head.

“It all makes sense now.” He said, his hands resting on your shoulders. “But you hurting yourself? It stops now.”

“What does that mean?” Kai wrapped his hands around your thighs, lifting you up, encouraging you to wrap them around his waist. You held onto him as he walked to the bed.

He laid you on your back, his hand trailing down your stomach over the scars. His knee separated your thighs, leaving you exposed. You looked at him with doe eyes, breathing heavily as his eyes devoured your body.

He leaned down, his lips lightly brushing against yours. You closed your eyes, ready for his kiss when you didn’t feel anything. You looked at him, he tossed over a long sleeved shirt to you. “You can wear this. I have some matters to discuss with my members. We can continue this…later.”

That was a few days ago. He locked the sharp objects away, as much as you hated it. And made you sit with him for at least twenty minutes after you ate. Something he no doubt read about online. But you boiled over at the loss of privacy. But that meant he cared. Right?

But one thing changed. You wanted him to take you. Despite your nervousness. You wondered if he was doing it on purpose. The lingering touches. The fleeting kisses. Everything. You wanted more. Craved him. It was a game. You knew that. But yet…you couldn’t help but wonder. How good would it feel? He was way more experienced. Something he talked about when you first met. So, in the meantime while he spent hours slaving away to his cause, you fantasized about him. Even dreaming about what it would be like. To feel his fingers inside you. For him to lower his mouth…down…down…but would he? He had seen your scars. Found out your deepest secret.

“Y/n.” You lifted your head, not noticing everyone was gone from the basement.

“Come here. I want to ask you a few things.” Kai was sitting at the table. The infamous pinky swear. Something you had seen, but never partook.

You sat across from him, and he extended his hand. Pinky up. You joined your fingers and he looked deep into your eyes.

“Tell me. What is your deepest desire?” You bristled. Knowing the answer. But you were embarrassed to say.

“And make sure you tell me the truth.” He added.

“My deepest desire is…to feel you.” You said sheepishly.

“I still touch you. You do feel me.” Kai said to you.

“Not in that way.” You whispered. “I mean…I want you to touch me. More intimately .”

“You want me to fuck you?” Kai still gripped your finger. You wanted to faint at his brass wording.

“Yeah-yeah I do-“

“Why now? You told me you weren’t ready.” His tone was still serious but you sensed a slight tease in his words.

“I-I wasn’t. But now…I think I am?” Kai nodded before glancing down at your lips.

“I want to fuck you.” Kai tells you simply. “I want to splay you out, right here. Right now. Get you on your knees like the good little slut you are. Watch you take me whole. Cover your face with my cum.” Your heart hammered as Kai tightens his grip on your finger and leans forward.

“But, I think you want to know also, what I would do for you? Isnt that right, little lamb?”

“Yeah.” You squeak. Kai loosens his hand and motions for you to come closer.

You do and he looks down at your lips. “I’ve been curious about what that wet, tight pussy tastes like. You know. The way your clenching your thighs together. Trying to make sure you’re not so wet? Is that what you’re doing?” You couldn’t answer as you watched him dart his eyes at your pants.

“You-you want that?” You asked him, still insecure of your body.

Kai narrows his eyes at you. “You think I care about scars?”

“They’re ugly. Why would you want to fuck someone like me?” Your question hung in the air for several seconds before Kai licked his lips.

“Mmmm. Scars are personal. They tell me things about a person. They tell me about pain. Suffering. And if there’s both of that, then that means I can show you how good it feels to feel my tongue between those legs. Why it’s so worth it to fuck someone no matter what you look like because at the end of the day,” Kai breaks the contact and settles his hand across your neck. “I want to make you scream. Beg. Crawl, suck. Are you going to be a good girl, and listen to me?” His voice grows quieter as he continues and your slick grows.

“Yes. Divine ruler.” The name came out of you without warning and Kai lurches forward, smashing his lips to yours in an rough kiss. You half moan half squeal as he yanks you into his lap, setting you right on his hard dick.

Your hands flew to his hair, tugging on the strands as he breathed you in, his own fingers pressing against your back as his clothed cock dug into you. You both moaned into each others mouths, he drove his erection harder into you as you felt his teeth pull on your lower lip. As if he couldn’t get enough of you.

Kai tapped your leg, signaling you to get down and you did, stopping mid kiss and he guided you on your knees. “Fuck, this is even better than I thought. You look so eager to please me, aren’t you little lamb?” He cooed and brushed his thumb over your cheek.

You nodded as he stripped down to his grey boxers. His cock hard, evident in front of your face. You licked your lips as he slowly peeled them down over his thighs, his red tip was leaking with precum as he gently stroked his length. “Open your mouth, princess.” He encouraged you and you obeyed him.

His coated tip ran across your tongue, as you hallowed your cheeks, sucking softly at him. He started thrusting his pelvis into your mouth, his tip reaching further and further to the back of your throat. He set his hand steadily on your head, gripping your hair as your eyes weld with tears at the salty taste. You sucked him, then ran your tongue over him and he lulled his head back groaning.

“Fuck, that feels so good.” Kai praised you. “You sure you haven’t done this?” You breathed out of your nose as your knees pressed on ground.

He went to your throat, causing you to gag uncomfortably and you tried to pull off. He held you, still thrusting as you couldn’t breathe normally. Finally, he released you and you doubled over. You wiped your chin as he shuddered, climaxing by finishing himself off with his hand. “Mmmm. You looked so fucking good choking on it.” Kai crooked his finger. “Lay down, open your legs for me.” He commanded.

You followed orders, laying on your back as you separated your knees. Kai crawled to you, looking at you with hungry eyes. “How does it feel? Seeing me on my knees for you?”

Kai wasted no time pulling off your pants and underwear, exposing your slick pussy. He brought you closer to his mouth by your hips, laying his tongue flat against your pussy. Your breath hitched as he kitten licked your clit, warmth pooling over you as he licked up and down before pressing his tongue inside. Your head laid back on the floor as he devoured you, taking every ounce of wetness with his mouth, his hand kept you from jerking your hips too much.

Pleasure grew in your belly, tightening in your lower half as he continued. He pressed two big fingers against your entrance, curling them deep inside. Reaching a delicate spot inside you. Snuggly fit in you. You moaned as sweat pooled at your forehead.

“I can’t- take it- I’m gonna-“

“Cum. I want you to cum all over my face.” He instructed before quickening the pace of his tongue.

You released then, rolling your pelvis up as you grew wetter, it trailed down your thighs. Your legs trembled as he pulled away, wiping your slick off his chin.

“Aw, your legs are shaking. Did it feel that good?” He teased.

“Mhm.” Was all you could say. Kai settled inbetween your legs, his heavy cock lining up with your pussy. He pushed the tip inside, you gasped at the sensation as he leaned down, pressing further as he sloppily kissed your neck.

“Fuck, you’re so tight.” Kai breathed as he rutted against you, hands pining your wrists down.

You winced at the pressure inside you, it hurt because of his size but he showed no sign of slowing down. You wanted to reach down to your clit but he hands trapped yours tightly.

“I’m gonna need to go faster.” He grunted and you nodded, thankful that Kai released one of your hands, his own thumb reaching to rub circles on your clit. Your eyes rolled back as a greater wave of pleasure came, much bigger than before.

He increased his pace, his face buried in your neck. “Fuck.” His movements grew sloppy and your nails dug into his shoulders.

“I’m gonna cum-“ you said to him and he circled faster.

He gave one last thrust before he stilled, you felt your own release collide with his as warmth spread through you. And you thanked yourself that you went on birth control. Kai pulled out of you and gave you another kiss.

“You feel so fucking good.” He laid next to you, laying a smack on your ass. You gasped at the contact.

“next time you need pain, you’re gonna let me know. And I’ll make sure to pull you over my knee.” You reached forward to grab his hand and he interlaced fingers together.

“Did my scars bother you?” You asked him.

“No. But I’m still not going to let you do that.” He promised before bringing your knuckles to his lips.

@spill-the-t @icannot3 @ifeeltoofuckingmuch @demxnicprxncess @evanptrss @howtobesasha @randodummy

[darkbluekies]

GOLDEN TRIAL PT 2 RIGHT HERE PLS ---->🫴🫴🫴🫴🫴🫴🫴I'll just be taking that thank you very much!

HAHA AWWWW

I CAN'T POST IT JUST YET (finishing details etc) BUT I CAN GIVE YOU A TEASER

“You don’t have to be here”, she says. “I can take care of him myself.”

“I don’t trust him”, Edmund mutters angrily and wraps more of the leash around his hand. “He knocked Jerry over when she was guarding him and — fuck it — she is tougher than you. I am not letting him anywhere near you alone.”

“Can you at least let go of the leash?” Hedwig asks. 

Edmund lets it go with great dramatic effect. You sit down on the couch with a thumping heartbeat. Hedwig sits down beside you, turning towards you. Edmund stands behind her, towering over the young woman like a giant, glaring at you. It reminds you of a lioness behind their cub. 

“Are you hungry?” Hedwig asks and looks down at the plate. “I’ve watched my maid cook ever since I was a little child but I don’t have much experience with it myself so I apologize if it isn’t the best.”

“I’m nauseous.”

“Then some sleep will do you good.”

“What train did he talk about? I’m not going on some train!”

“You are”, Edmund says, “and you’re doing it tomorrow morning. In a box.”

You look at him, baffled. “What?”

He looks at you with mockery in his icy blue eyes. “Nobody told you? You’re getting a first class ticket. I heard that they make those wooden boxes are quite comfortable nowadays.”

“I’m not going in some fucking box!”

I HOPE YOU'LL LIKE IT

[totowlff]

chapter fourteen — even three, four, or five

➝ it's time to cassie and toto discover a little more about their 'little bean'

➝ word count: 3,9k

➝ warnings: mentions of medical procedures, christian horner

➝ author’s note: i know it took us too long, but cassie is finally back, and with news!

14 WEEKS Many moms-to-be begin to feel hungrier, more energetic and less nauseous as early pregnancy symptoms start to subside. Meanwhile, your baby's getting chubbier by the day, and may be starting to sprout some hair.

— Are you nervous? — Toto leaned over to ask Cassie, as they sat in adjoining chairs in the waiting room of the obstetrics clinic — Because I am.

— No, I wasn’t even thinking about it — Cassie said, dryly — I was trying to think of what to make for dinner later.

Toto’s expression turned to confusion as he turned his head to the left a bit to glance at the woman in the chair beside him.

— You can’t be serious…

Cassie sighed. 

— Of course I’m nervous, Toto. I’m trying not to be, but… I just keep thinking that something is wrong. I don’t know why. I hope I’m just being paranoid. Plus, I’m kind of hoping we… Find out the sex today.

Cassie put one of her hands on her belly. She was starting to show more clearly — it no longer looked like she had some bad gas or a big lunch. She had opted to start wearing leggings and long shirts to work, because her work trousers and jeans no longer fit. She hadn’t started shopping for maternity clothes, but was a bit hesitant about actually wearing them yet, at least until she disclosed the pregnancy. She hadn’t yet told her colleagues, resolving to do so after the 14th week scan that she and Toto were on their way to.

The pregnancy seemed to be arriving at the stages where Cassie felt undeniably pregnant, and not like she was experiencing a persistent mild flu. The morning sickness had stopped, but instead, Cassie felt ravenously hungry, and was experiencing a strange pain around her hips that her doctor said was apparently an expected symptom. She had started doing some gentle yoga to help relieve the pain, and had discovered the joy of a nightly warm bath.

They’d discussed the sex of their baby when the idea of pregnancy was just something theoretical — something they both wanted and were looking forward to, but not yet reality. 

Like most parents, their preference was for a healthy baby, and sex was a secondary matter. Still, it didn’t stop Cassie from daydreaming of a little girl. 

She’d never gotten along with boys, for the most part. She had always preferred to play with her sister over her brother, and until university, her brother was the only boy she’d spent a significant amount of time with. She’d gone to an all-girls school growing up and, even in the present day, she had a much better relationship with her sister than her brother. And, though it was anecdotal, she remembered her sister-in-law having a much easier time with her three girls than Helena had with Tommy. He was a sweet boy at age 4, but was somewhat of a terror when he was a baby. 

For Toto’s part, he was also hoping for a girl. His sister had three boys that Toto adored — and were very nice when Cassie had met them — but said he could more clearly envision a daughter than a son. Cassie also suspected that Toto was also probably a bit swayed by his mother remarking that she still wanted a granddaughter.

But, if it was their destiny to have a boy, so be it. Cassie just hoped the baby would get Toto’s dimples.

They had scheduled Cassie’s 14-week scan for an afternoon during a week with no races. Toto felt so horrible about being late for Cassie’s first ultrasound that he had his assistant block off his entire day after lunch, and they would be going to Cassie’s flat after the appointment to talk about their preparations for the baby while they had dinner together. 

Toto wanted to drive her, but Cassie insisted that they each take their own cars.

— What will people say if they see us leaving the factory together, in your car, and early?

— Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me — Toto said, shrugging. Seeing Cassie's incredulous expression, he continued — Really, it’s not anyone’s business.

But then, Cassie pointed out that driving separately would save them a trip back to the factory after their appointment to pick up her car

Toto left a few minutes ahead of Cassie, but waited for her in the clinic’s car park so that they could go in together. It felt nice, as did being back to an exam room as “Miss Aldersey and Mr. Wolff”. “If only it were Mr. and Mrs. Wolff”, Cassie’s mind supplied, unhelpfully. Cassie followed the now-familiar routine of lowering her pants and hiking up her shirt before her obstetrician, Dr. Reynolds, knocked on the door and walked in.

— Good afternoon, Miss Aldersey, Mr Wolff — she said, giving them each a handshake in greeting. As she washed her hands and prepared the ultrasound equipment, she asked Cassie about the progress of her pregnancy — Any excessive pain, or unusual bleeding?

— No — Cassie said, as the doctor turned off the lights. Cassie, then, felt Toto gently squeeze her hand. He was perched on a stool next to the exam table — Just the pain around my hips and belly that we talked about at my last appointment, but taking a warm bath helps when it gets really bad.

— Good — Dr. Reynolds said, as she started to smear Cassie’s belly with gel — All of those ligaments are starting to stretch and loosen as your body goes through so many changes. Some gentle stretching or yoga is also helpful. Now, let’s hope your baby is cooperative today so we can get some good images.

As the doctor was getting the transducer ready, Cassie caught sight of Toto out of the corner of her eye. His eyes were fixed directly on her belly, his expression inscrutable.

— Something wrong? — Cassie asked. 

— No, I just… I hadn’t realized how much you’re, um… Showing, until now — Toto said, quietly. He looked sheepish, and if the light in the room wasn’t so dim, Cassie would swear she could see him blushing — You’ve been wearing those bigger shirts and dresses lately at work, so this is the first time I’ve seen you like this. You look… Beautiful.

He brought the hand he was holding to his lips and gently kissed her fingers, and Cassie could feel herself blushing, but before she could say anything, the doctor had started the scan, and both of them turned their attention to the monitor. 

A grainy, pulsing, black-and-white image displayed on the screen as the doctor passed the transducer over Cassie’s belly.

— Okay, let’s see where we are…

The blurring resolved into a definite image, the profile of something that looked like the profile of a baby’s head appearing. Cassie’s breath caught in her throat for a moment, and she thought she felt Toto’s gentle hold on her hand tighten. The last scan she had was too early in her pregnancy for anything to show other than something small, peculiar, and alien-looking, but now…

— It’s our baby — Toto whispered. Cassie smiled and took her eyes off the screen to look up at Toto. He was transfixed, a smile on his face as he watched the baby’s movements. After a moment, his eyes started shining, reflecting the light of the ultrasound screen in the darkness.

Cassie squeezed his hand. 

— Are you okay? — she whispered. But even as she asked, she knew exactly what he was feeling, because she felt it, too; the surreal enormity, the hope, the fear, all of it at once. Toto squeezed her hand back, and he glanced back down at Cassie. He tried to hide a sniffle, but it was unsuccessful.

The doctor took some measurements, and explained that, at least at first glance, everything looked to be going as expected.

— Now, you can’t always see it at this point in gestational development, but do you want to know the sex, if we can see it?

Cassie briefly glanced at Toto, each of them seeming to ask the other’s permission. 

— Yes, I think we both wanted to find out today, if we can — Cassie said, and Toto nodded. 

The doctor moved the transducer to the other side of Cassie’s belly, squinting at the screen once more. Cassie watched, feeling like she should know exactly what she was looking at, but all she saw were more blurry, undulating lines. 

— Let’s see… Ah, there we go. Now, again, it’s not always the most accurate at this point, and we’ll confirm when you’re further along, but — Dr. Reynolds said, pointing at something on the console screen. Cassie squinted to see what the doctor was pointing at, apparently seeing something specific in the monochrome mass of pulsating shapes — You can see the two legs here, and if you look at this bit here, you see how it’s parallel to the spine? That means, more than likely, you’ll be having a little girl.

Cassie felt her entire body flood with warmth, and felt Toto squeezing her hand, but after that, things barely registered for a few moments. She hadn’t dared to get her hopes up that her intuition had been correct. She had done some cursory searches online to see how people thought they could tell, and every method described seemed like an old wives’ tale, and that she’d have to try and summon the patience to simply wait.

After a moment, she thought to look at Toto to see what he thought. He’d also mentioned that he would want a girl if he had a choice — but, like Cassie, would simply be content with a healthy, happy baby — and his joy was plain to see in the expression on his face. Many would call Toto a difficult man to read, but Cassie never thought so, particularly when he was happy or excited about something. When he was genuinely happy, it seemed like his smile spread to every part of his face. The subtle dimples in his cheeks would emerge, and his nose would scrunch in a way that Cassie always thought made him look even more handsome. 

By the look on Toto’s face as he looked at Cassie, he was overjoyed. 

— Toto — Cassie said, feeling her voice starting to waver and her eyes start to fill with tears — We’re having a girl!

Dr. Reynolds smiled as she continued taking the last of the images she needed.

— Congratulations, mum and dad. I am guessing that was what you were hoping for?

Cassie opened her mouth to respond, but Toto got to it sooner.

— Yes, we discussed it a while ago. Of course, we’d be happy with a healthy baby of either sex, but — Toto turned to look down at Cassie again, the expression on his face so tender and happy that it made Cassie’s insides feel like jelly — I think from the start, both of us imagined having a little girl. And I have three nephews, so… The whole family was hoping for a girl.

Whatever Toto was telling the doctor after that point, Cassie wasn’t sure. She felt like she was floating from then on, even as Dr. Reynolds finished up the remainder of the appointment, gave her some instructions, and sent her to schedule her next ultrasound. 

As she and Toto left the clinic and walked to where they’d each parked their cars in the parking lot, she felt a strange electric frisson between them, no doubt caused by the way he kept a hand tenderly around her lower back as they walked along the sidewalk outside of the clinic, but she knew that it was just him being nice, playing his role as the good partner-but-not. She felt an almost desperate urge to envelop him in a hug, to reach up and kiss him right there, regardless of who would see, but she shoved it down. 

— So, um… Your place, right? — Toto said, as they got to where they’d parked next to each other.

— What? — Cassie said, blinking in surprise.

— I thought we were going to have dinner, and discuss, uh, logistics — Toto said, letting his hand go from Cassie’s lower back as he fumbled in his black cordura briefcase for his car keys. 

— Right. Yes, that’s right — Cassie said, shaking her head in an attempt to regain her wits. 

— Well, then, I’ll follow you — Toto said, smiling as he unlocked the door to his car and climbed in.

The entire drive back her flat was a blur in Cassie’s mind as it raced between dinner plans and baby plans, and by the time she unlocked the door to her flat and let Toto inside, her mind was a swirling mass of pink onesies, plush bunnies, and what to have with the chicken breasts that she left to thaw in the refrigerator for dinner.

In the end, she found some sweet potatoes in her pantry, and had some asparagus and tomatoes that needed to be used. She implored Toto to relax while she prepared dinner, not being used to having to contend with another person in the kitchen while she cooked, but Toto insisted on helping, so he chopped the vegetables while she set to work seasoning and baking the chicken.

Dinner came together quickly, and as they started eating, Toto was the first to cut through the silence.

— So, a little girl. Have you been thinking of any names, or did you want to wait to decide?

Cassie thought for a moment while she took a drink of water. 

— I haven’t given it too much thought, beyond what I told you before, that I didn’t really want to give her a classical name, you know, like my family would want. But it would be nice to give her a name, you know. I’ve just been thinking of it — she hesitated, before correcting herself — Her, I guess, as “the baby”.

— Well — Toto said — I wouldn’t mind giving her a Nordic name, like my family does. That way it would be unique, but not so much that she’s likely to be made fun of in school, or anything.

Cassie giggled.

— You say that like you have experience with that.

Toto rolled his eyes.

— I don’t dislike my name, but Torger isn’t a name that a lot of kids in Vienna come across very regularly. Let’s just say that my nickname was, um… How do you call it… Invented pretty early on in my school days.

— Well, alright. So, what kinds of names does that give us — Cassie said, picking up her phone. She paged through one of the dozens of pastel-colored websites open in her browser tabs that she’d been visiting over the past few weeks, before finding a naming dictionary she had particularly liked looking through — There’s the obvious ones, like Freya, Sif, and Astrid… No, those might have the same problem that your name gave you.

Toto laughed, and Cassie continued. 

— Elsa… No, people will just think we named her after that Disney movie… Edda… That sounds kind of, I don’t know, old lady-ish. Erika? No, I went to school with an Erika, I didn’t care for her. Juni is… That’s cute, I guess…

Toto pulled his chair closer to Cassie’s to look at the list of names with her, and Cassie angled the screen so he could get a better look. 

— Birgit? — Toto said — That’s a nice name, and not uncommon in Austria.

— Isn’t that what Niki Lauda’s wife is named? — Cassie said, turning her head to look at Toto. 

— Yes… And I think it’s a nice name.

— I know, but giving your child the name of someone you know feels odd, don’t you think? Plus, most English people would probably pronounce it incorrectly most of the time. And that leaves out Brigitta and Brigette, too. Asta? That one is nice.

— No, that reminds me of that sparkling wine — Toto said, crinkling his nose a bit — There’s Kirsten, but that one feels almost a bit too ordinary.

— Yes — Cassie sighed — And plus, she’d probably get called Kristen more often than not.

— Oh, what about… Ingrid? — Toto said, pointing at the name on Cassie’s phone screen — That’s a nice name. It’s easy enough in English, it’s a common enough name in German…

Cassie thought for a moment. She had a feeling like something snapped into place, like she had solved a complicated maths problem, or like she’d remembered a word that was on the tip of her tongue.

Almost involuntarily, her hand moved to her belly, cradling the growing swell of her abdomen.

— Ingrid. I like it. Ingrid — she repeated the name, like she was testing it out. She couldn’t help but feel like it was a good fit, that it felt right. 

— Ingrid Aldersey-Wolff — Toto said, a distinct note of pride in his voice.

— No… Just Ingrid Wolff — Cassie said, looking down at her belly. Her voice went quiet — It sounds nice, doesn’t it? We’ll need to come up with a middle name, but…

— You really don’t want her to have your surname too? — Toto asked, delicately.

— No. It wouldn’t feel right giving her something that I don’t even want — Cassie said, giving Toto a serious look. 

Toto pressed his mouth into a thin line, and nodded slightly.

— Ingrid Wolff.

According to the obstetrician, it was a bit too early in the pregnancy for Cassie to start feeling the baby kicking, but she thought she felt a distinct flutter from her belly. It may have been just her imagination, or something akin to nervous butterflies, but it felt like a sign, like the universe had given her at least one of the answers she was looking for. 

— Our little Ingrid — she said, feeling the warmth she’d felt earlier spreading through her body once more.

She and Toto finished eating in a more companionable silence, and Toto cleaned up the dishes once they were finished, at his insistence. After the dishes were in the dishwasher, they sat close together on the couch, scrolling through more parenting websites, discussing whatever came to mind.

— Oh, I forgot to tell you this, but I started this… I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s sort of a visual scrapbook of things that you can save — she said, navigating to a website on her laptop. Toto peered over at the screen, his brow furrowing. She knew that Toto wasn’t tuned in to most social media websites, so she kept her explanation brief — But I made it mostly so we can gather ideas for how we want to decorate the nursery. I know it’s probably not, you know, a priority, but…

— No, I want to see. After all, it will be my daughter’s first bedroom.

Cassie almost couldn’t contain her joy at hearing Toto say the words “my daughter”, and given the smile that spread across Toto’s face near-immediately, it wasn’t easy for him, either.

For the next hour, they looked at pictures of nurseries online, saving the things that appealed to them. Both of them were in agreement about not wanting something stereotypically “girly” with everything in shades of pink.

— I like a minimalist look — Toto said — But…

— I know, I’ve seen your office — Cassie quipped. 

Toto shot her a knowing glance.

— But all of these gray or beige rooms that are supposed to be neutral, they’re awfully depressing for children, no?

— I know, but that’s what it’s fashion these days, from what I gather. But we don’t have to decide anything right now, we still have — Cassie paused, trying to do the mental calculation from the estimated due date that Dr. Reynolds gave them earlier — About 26 weeks before we have to worry about it.

— I know — Toto said, standing up from Cassie’s sofa — 26 weeks until we meet our daughter. Ingrid. Anyway, I think I should head home. Early day tomorrow, as always. And you should get your rest.

Cassie set her laptop on the coffee table, and stood up with him, following after him as he walked to the front door.

— Yes. Ingrid Wolff. Ingrid… And, like you said, we’ll need to think of a middle name.

— We will. We have 26 weeks — Toto said, carefully slipping his shoes on. 

— It will go by quickly though, so I’ve heard — Cassie said, giving Toto a small smile once he stood back up straight.

There was a slight pause before Toto opened his arms, prompting Cassie to step forward into a hug. It was soft and gentle, making Cassie feel the fluttering from deep down in her belly again as Toto pressed a delicate kiss to her forehead before he stepped back slightly.

— Do you mind if I…? — he said, pointing to Cassie’s belly. 

— Go ahead — Cassie said, feeling her face flush — She is… Ingrid is… Is your daughter, after all.

It was surreal seeing Toto bend over slightly and mutter something in German with only the words tochter and Ingrid clear to Cassie as he put his hand on the bump, but not in an unpleasant way, quite the contrary. 

As Toto said goodbye to her again and Cassie went about her bedtime routine, she realized that it was what made the pregnancy finally feel real, and concrete like nothing before had. Not the initial test results, not telling her sister and mother, not the episodes of morning sickness, not even telling Toto when he got back from Barcelona, but the fact that their daughter had a name, like she was already a person and not a hypothetical, not a “little bean” or the other corny euphemisms that the parenting websites used to refer to a baby while it was still in utero. 

The thrill hadn’t dissipated the next morning, either, and with a quick message to Toto to get his — not his approval, but to see if he had any objections — she set out to do something she’d been waiting to do for what felt like ages.

A few hours later, in the marketing team meeting, Victoria, her boss, asked the group if there were any new agenda items to discuss, and Cassie raised her hand.

— I know this isn’t really related to the business, but I have some personal news — she said. She could feel a quaver coming to her voice as she spoke.

— Go ahead — Victoria said, giving her a nod.

— I found out a few weeks ago, but… I’m pregnant.

There was a momentary silence in the room, and Cassie noticed the momentary collective confusion on her colleagues’ faces, until one of her colleagues, Imogen, clapped her hands together and practically squealed with joy.

— Oh, that’s wonderful, Cassie! Congratulations!

What followed seemed to be an avalanche of well-wishes and questions in equal measure.

— When are you due? — one of her other coworkers asked. 

— Have you found out the sex yet?

— I didn’t even know you were trying, that’s amazing — another said.

Cassie thought her colleagues looked a bit skeptical, and perhaps it was just her imagination. She certainly didn’t want to reveal the whole truth about the baby and her parentage, not when nobody else on the team knew about it, and her mind automatically slotted onto the story that she’d given her mother and sister a few weeks ago.

— Well, I met this guy named, er, Christian. He works in finance, and we met a few years ago… A friend set us up, and we fell in love… And we’ve both always wanted children, so we decided to start trying for a baby. We just found out yesterday that we’re having a little girl. 

— That’s wonderful, Cassie — Victoria said, beaming at her.

— When you said Christian, I was afraid you were going to follow it with ‘Horner’ for a moment — Dan, one of the content writers, said, which prompted a ripple of chuckles around the room, and a scowl from Victoria. 

Cassie laughed nervously, knowing that he wasn’t categorically wrong about the father of her baby being a team principal. 

— God, could you imagine? — she said, trying to play off her nerves — That would be a nightmare.

[sickly-qt]

Finn Sick at Night

Woah! I said I would put out a fic and I actually did it? Never thought I would see it happen. Anyway, this is the first fic i was able to get together, so bear with me if it’s a bit rough. I’m still getting back into the swing of things. 

I hope you guys enjoy some sick Finn :)

~~~

“Hello?” Finn said groggily, rubbing his eyes as he lifted his head from his pillow..

“Hey,” Drew replied, “You’re coming over tonight right?” Finn could hear the sizzle of food frying in a pan on the other end of the phone.

He stared at the clock on his bedside table waiting for his eyes to adjust. 5:27. Shit, he had overslept. 

“Uh, yeah. I’m sorry, I got out of work a little late. Give me like 15 minutes and I'll be right over.” Finn sat up in bed and ran his hand through his hair.

There was a pause and Finn waited to see if Drew had picked up on his white lie. 

“Okay, take your time. I’m making dinner, it should be ready when you get here.”

“That sounds really good, Love. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I love you.”

“I love you too, babes. I’ll see you soon.” Drew hung up and Finn sighed, rubbing his eyes. 

He had left work early after he had bolted out of a meeting to stare into the toilet for a solid 10 minutes, waiting for the reappearance of his meager breakfast that would never actually come. After getting home he had promptly passed out and nearly slept through his plans with Drew. 

He was feeling a bit better, less nauseous and more worn out and a little cold.

Finn pushed himself out of bed and got dressed, planning on telling Drew that he had changed before he left work and headed out for Drew’s.

~~

“Hey, Sweets. There’s food on the stove if you’re hungry.” Drew said over the back of the couch when Finn let himself into her apartment. 

“I’m not.” He mumbled, slowly kicking off his shoes and peeling off his jacket. “I’m honestly just really tired, baby. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, you should at least eat a little bit though.” She said, getting up to put her bowl in the sink. She gave him a weird look when she walked past him. “Are you feeling okay?” 

“Yeah, my stomach has just been giving me some issues today…” 

Drew frowned at him and walked over to him, pressing the back of her hand to his forehead.

“You’re a little warm, but I don’t think you have a fever. Do you think you’ve caught something?”

“I don’t know, love. I just want to lay down.” Finn almost whined.

“Okay, let’s lay down then.” Drew led him over to the couch and sat with her feet propped on the coffee table and Finn spread out with his head on her lap. It didn’t take long for him to doze off.

He must’ve been sleeping for awhile when Drew finally woke him up to go to bed. The living room was dark, save for the lamp that was left on. 

Finn was basically a zombie as he walked to the room and laid down in bed, passing right back out as soon as he hit the mattress, he didn’t even feel Drew get into bed beside him. 

When he woke up next, it was still dark. The glowing numbers on the alarm clock showing 4:17 am. He could hear Drew breathing next to him, sound asleep. He felt much worse than when he had fallen asleep, the feeling of nausea returning. He felt sick. Finn sighed and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Drew stirred for a second before rolling over and falling back asleep. 

His body felt heavy and it took effort for him to move, but he could tell that he was going to vomit. 

“Fuck.” He whispered to himself as he got up and made his way to the bathroom down the hall. He paced for a minute before finally settling on the floor, staring into the toilet. It was painfully quiet, his heartbeat pounding in his ears. After a couple moments he retched, which seemed to echo throughout the quiet apartment. Nothing came up beside saliva, but he gagged again and a small mouthful of the pasta he ate for lunch came back up. A couple seconds passed before he retched once more, a slightly larger mouthful of his stomach contents splashed into the toilet. 

He coughed and cursed to himself when he heard Drew’s light footsteps come down the hall.

“Babes?” She said quietly as pushed the door open, her voice was scratchy from sleep and her hair was a mess as she staggered into the bathroom. 

Finn didn’t get a chance to answer before he leaned back over the toilet, burping up another mouthful of sick. 

Drew blinked slowly as what was happening slowly seeped into her sleep fogged brain. 

“Okay, it’s okay. You’re okay.” She said, clearly still half asleep. She squeezed his shoulder and rubbed her other hand across his back. Drew left for a moment before coming back and setting a cup of water on the floor by his knee. She sat cross legged behind Finn resting her forehead against his back as she ran her hand up and down his spine. 

“How long have you been in here?” Drew asked, her head still resting against his back.

“15 minutes?” He said quietly, his voice scratchy from vomiting. “You can go back to bed, babe. You’re clearly exhausted.” 

“No, I’m okay.” She mumbled, “You said your stomach was bothering you but were you nauseous earlier?”

“Not when I got here, but I left work early because I barely kept my breakfast down.” A burp rumbled up from his chest but all that came up was spit.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Drew asked, lifting her head and kissing his shoulder.

“Because I thought it was just something I ate.” Finn reached up and flushed the toilet before pushing himself up from the floor, Drew following suit behind him. 

“Okay well, go lay down I just have to pee and then I’ll be in in a minute.” Drew mumbled and watched as Finn rinsed out his mouth before shuffling out of the bathroom. Drew closed the door behind him and braced herself against the sink, sighing. She felt sick, which was different for her, she didn’t get sympathy sickness. Even so, she was beginning to get used to this feeling, nagging nausea that would hit her at seemingly random times of day. She waited and when she realized that nothing was going to happen she shut off the light and returned to the bedroom where her red-headed boy was sprawled across the bed on top of the blankets. He was already fast asleep, exhausted from work and having been sick. Drew sighed, grabbing a blanket from the chair in the corner and draping it over Finn before crawling back in bed herself. She laid in bed staring at the ceiling listening to Finn’s slow and steady breaths, the only sound other than the single thought floating around in her head.

Fuck.

[edgarrallannhoe]

7-08-024 man, i fucked up.

today,tomorrow,to…

Ive been vomiting for the past 24+ hours now. i like to say “hahah i’m vomiting SO MUCH but idk why..” i know why. Rome makes me sick, rome makes me want to relapse, rome allows me to relapse. I know it’s no rome’s fault here, i wish it was. I wish all of this was anyone else fault but mine, but here we are, with all the faults in the world i guess.

i have to say tho, among all of the european capitals, rome is the least chic one by a mile.

Yesterday a bought me some Ketamine. I have a complicated relationship with K since the first time i tried it almost twelve-thirteen years ago and not knowing how to use it i just decided to open the bag and snort the whole thing in one line. Bad idea, i spent the night hugging the service toilet at my highschool with a friend making fun of me during the whole thing. Then after that day, i snubbed it at practically every occasion i had, i just wasn’t interested in that devilish thing again, and now, since a few years i’m again at it. I don’t want to talk about this tho, kinda boring, kinda useless.

8-08-024 somebody save me from myself

the purge

i tried to force myself to post, but i started writing then said “fuck it, why should anybody care?” then said “BuT IM DoInG tHIs FoR MySeLf sO whY dOeS it maTTeR if people enjoy it?” and then again “i’m lying as usual, few are the things i do where i’m not concerned about how i will be perceived, social media isn’t one of them.” so i’m here now, less whiny than the other day, but more sick.

I keep vomiting, crying, then trying to drink lil sips of water then vomiting again the same water i just drank. Atp this night i felt like a dry prune, without water, without anything substantial in me, wrinkled and all, i was literally crying hugging my garbage bin: i want to note that the garbage bin is literally kinda a wicker basket, so lot of holes and whatnot. I said to my dad, that because of my “puking problem” maybe we should pick a new one that doesn’t make everything messier every time this happens, and he bought another bin…. a DRILLED metallic one, so now i have a little drilled bin inside a wicker basket, a nightmare every time, now i have to also clean them after i’m finished!

i don’t think i have an ED, or at least not in the way it is usually explained. Ive always been skinny and kinda minature, and always ate whatever, but i have to admit that while once i believed ( and sometimes said myself ) the whole “i eat whatever and whenever and i stay sKiNNnYyYyYy” , i know understand this whole thing better. While i have a fast metabolism and a skinny/petite corporature, and it’s true that sometimes i eat McDonald’s four days in a row, i don’t put weight on cause i eat nothing during the whole day tho. like, i wake up and drink latte macchiato ( idk outside Italy what Latte Macchiato is, here is just like 1/4 coffee and 3/4 milk with maybe a lil sugar ), then mid morning i drink Latte macchiato, then i skip lunch, then in the afternoon you guess it! Latte macchiato! ( if it’s summer sometimes it gets changed with a cold Cola in the glass bottle, love it ), and THEN i eat McDonald’s. But if you consider the fact that i’m pretty active as a person , always moving even if i’m home in bed, and that i only drink coffee and milk the whole day, it’s not weird not gaining weight if you have a crispy mcBacon for dinner 4 nights straight.

So yeah, i think that whole “eat a lot don’t put on weight” it’s a little bit of a fairytale, but i’m sure that there is always a girl swearing that for them is exactly like that. Good for you Veronica.

Sometimes is also happens, that because i don’t really eat during the day, i end up having less hunger than if i ate ( i always ate slay✨), and then the hunger makes me nauseous, so then i vomit but i vomit absolutely nothing but slimish green bile, and then i am even more “hungry”- the problem is that i’m not, even when i am atp, i’m not hungry, i feel nauseous and i know that it’s because i need to eat, but i would rather not- it becomes a cycle, and every time is exhausting, this night i felt like i just wanted to die. I just wanted to be put off of this misery. Now it’s kinda better, kinda, rn here is 12AM, i woke up at three AM to, you guess it, vomit and it went on until almost two hours ago, i feel like shit.

I bought a watermelon at the store/supermarket, there is a real market near the store with better watermelons but i don’t want to enter that lively place, vade retro lol, so i’m okay with a watery and less red watermelon. i’m now eating in very small bites a small pizza no topping and all, but i’m far from feeling fine.

ok ill stop writing for now, IM DYIIIIING- i wish i was - aaaaaaaaaghhh somebody save me fucking please

xx emma

[a-bit-of-cest]

Thinking about Zoro and Luffy being so in sync that Zoro wakes up one morning, groggily heading towards breakfast, and Luffy suddenly grabs him in the middle of the hall.

“Wait.” He commands and Zoro stops and faces him.

Luffy’s hands start moving over his body, squeezing his face, his shoulders, chest, hips— until Zoro yanks him back up by the collar of his shirt.

“Ain’t it a little early to go again?” He chides with a small smirk.

But Luffy doesn’t have that hungry gleam in his eye. Instead his face is all twisted up like it usually is when he’s thinking hard, almost deathly serious.

“Zoro, are you okay?”

Zoro blinks. “‘Course I am, why?”

“Something’s different,” Lu frowns as his fingers idly run over his chest again. A silence settles as they both examine the lines he traces over tanned skin. Zoro truly doesn’t feel any different. He has no new wounds, no congestion or chill. At most he’s just slightly sore, but that’s his normal considering his hard workout and old scars. He reaches out and cups Lu’s chin, breaking his staring contest with the stitches to look at him.

“I’m fine, really,” he reassures, “I’ll go straight to Chopper if I’m not.”

Luffy finally brightens back up to his usual self at that, the matter settled.

“Okay, then let’s eat!” They race to the kitchen and don’t broach Lu’s gut feeling again, but Zoro stays a little more vigilant.

Weeks pass and the soreness starts to get more localized, mainly in Zoro’s chest and hips. It’s annoying so he tries to adjust his workout to be less intense on those areas for a bit but it still persists. His appetite starts to dwindle too and the sake tastes off despite cook’s insistence that his stocks are all up to date and that he just “doesn’t appreciate good flavor.” Luffy keeps eyeing him with a worried look when he thinks he’s not watching, clinging more when they bunk, but he doesn’t voice it. He trusts Zoro to know his limits. That limit comes at the crack of dawn one morning.

Zoro stirs from the crows nest, cursing at himself for being careless enough to actually fall asleep during his shift, until he freezes. A wave of nausea hits him like a truck and he has to scramble down the ladder, barely making it to the bathroom in time before he empties his stomach into the toilet.

He retches for what feels like an hour, eyes watering and hands shaking as he tries not to crack the seat in his grip. A chill runs up his spine. He hasn’t puked in years, not even the poisoned meat in Wano made him this nauseous. Whatever was going on with him was serious.

He waited until it felt safe enough to step away from the toilet and grabbed Chopper out of bed. The poor reindeer woke up to the swordsman’s looming figure on the verge of heaving again and rushed him to the medbay. Chopper ran every test he could think of as he interrogated Zoro for symptoms until only one diagnosis emerged:

He was pregnant.

Zoro rested a hand over his stomach in shocked silence, the abs around his bellybutton softer than they were at the start of the month. He was…

After a brief freak out and thorough lecture from Chopper that he can’t drink anymore, Zoro wanders back out onto the deck, looking for Luffy. He finds him on Sunny’s head as usual, the early morning sun haloing his back. A nervous buzz races under his skin as his captain looks back at him.

“I’m pregnant,” he announces with a grin.

Luffy grins right back, dark eyes shining bright with joy.

“I know.”

[morbidly-absent]

sorry, i can’t afford a therapist

this will probably sound very disordered, but i’m sad to admit that the closest i’ve felt to realness is ED. i’m generally lonely, i only have one friend i see pretty often and a couple more i’d consider occasional acquaintances.

sometimes it feels like it’s me against the world, except the world is the one i created myself. it’s imperfect. i’m hungry, dizzy, awkward, i go a little crazy with measuring spoons, calories, numbers and it doesn’t help being a bad liar.

but in this world, i get a lot more satisfaction. in case i mess up it’s solely my fault. if i go against the rules i make up in my own head, there’s nobody to blame but myself. the only person i’m disappointed with is me.

when phased with reality i am nothing but hurt. people lie, cheat, betray. i have not had a successful relationship with a man in nine years. i am pushing dating into the background, i can’t handle anymore bs. friendships are not any different.

[RANT] thought i made a new friend but it’s a complete disaster. girl spends more time on her phone than connecting with me. she had to pick me up tonight so i could spend the night and stay watching her dogs for a couple of days. she texted me when she was supposed to be at my door and told me she felt nauseous and she’ll be there in a few. she then ignored my texts and calls just to get back to me one and a half hours later telling me she’s on her way now. she wanted to pick me up past midnight dude!! i mean, damn, i worked a long shift, ran back home, swallowed my dinner in a minute, packed my bag and just sat there like a dumbass waiting for her. i just feel stomped on. “babess i’m so sorry! i was feeling like shit!!” OH REALLY MELISSA??

stop playing with me!!

you know who doesn’t do that though? ana doesn’t. you get what you put in, there’s no hidden agenda. i feel the most sane when i’m the most insane.

i see people in this community talking about wanting to look better so people treat them better and/or get jealous. i used to be overweight growing up so i 100% get it. but my focus has shifted so much. it is now about my own satisfaction rather than other people’s perception of me. they can suck it, respectfully.

they don’t stick around either way. you know what will? my collarbones.

[44-docx]

15/04/24

I had a rough past few days. Two days ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. Thank god my partner was there to help me. They held me and when I saw the look on their face I wouldn’t let myself dissociate. It hurt almost , in the weirdest way, and was so hard but I was able to. And so I didn’t record my food that day or the day after, but I felt okay about the food I ate. Today I feel as though I ate more than I should have and am having shame I dislike the feeling of but I’m reconciling with having put it in my mouth to begin with so I’m sitting with this feeling lol.

Breakfast 8:00

I had all of this. I was kinda nauseous halfway through then it dissipated and I finished. I got hungry an hour after and had this snack. I was studying and needed a pick me up, hence the red bull. I usually try to avoid caffeine but I’ve been TIRED all day :).

Lunch: 12:00

For lunch I had chicken and egg on rice. I added hot sauce and honey. I had that soup and picked out two dumplings and thre the rest out. Then I picked up this little bit my cafeteria was serving. I didn’t like the potato it had because ew it was soggy asf, so I just ate the smoked salmon instead. Didn’t really want it tbh but I ate it and regretted it in my mouth but I can’t spit it out in public like I would alone. Not gonna lie, spitting things out if I don’t like them is a new development that kinda keeps me true to eating only what I like and want. I don’t chew and spit, not something I have ever done! But having the ability to respect myself enough not to swallow something I hate is part of me trying to regulate what I eat. I got cereal for desert, again. I saved this muffin and picked at it for like 2 hrs as I tend to do while I work , it’s a bad habit because I feel like sugar helps me focus…. More on that at 3:30 lol. (Also I did not eat that banana)

3:30 “snack”

So I had this snack which I feel like was rather large. I had a handful of cashews, maybe more, a few bites of yogurt and an orange with a coffee with oat milk. That caffeine kicked me into being able to work again because I was honestly dissociating and was able to get a hold of it again! I’m getting really good at that and am really proud of myself. I started work and got a reasonable amount done and then I noticed my blood sugar dipping again. I am noticing that when my blood sugar feels low I feel out of breath and get super bad brain fog and am not able to work! (Big surprise wow I know) but as somebody who would force myself through work after barely eating I’m noticing just how productive I am when I actually eat - especially when I have sugar. So I got a slushes and oh my did that kick me into high gear lol.

Dinner: 8:00

I had this chicken burger and peeled off the extra bun parts because why do I need that much bread for such wimpy patties??? Like buy smaller buns if you’re gonna be that cheap? Anyways enough beef with my cafeteria. I had half the fries and a load of ranch and hot sauce with honey. It started to freak me out actually having the sauce about halfway through eating it, and then I was like okay let’s just see if we finished it. And then I did . And I’m trying to be neutral about that. I almost wanted more food but then I realized I didn’t want it I just wanted it because it was available and I would freak out if I ate more because I was already full and I should stop. Having unlimited food is really hard as someone who has binges, uncontrollable eating spells where I feel out of control regardless of how much I eat it feels compulsive because I’ve restricted for so long. Trying to recover with a cafeteria is hard lol. But… I stopped myself. I had cereal, I also got a little carrot cake but I realized I didn’t want it so I just ate the cereal. Actually eating the cereal did make me feel like I was pushing myself and made me consider P, but I did not. I’m fine and I’m full and that’s okay. It just feels like sooooo much food. Not being able to put anything back is also kinda ficked up to me because like , I will take something and have to throw it out, which I obviously don’t wanna do but I’ve grown comfortable doing as a part of my healing . Anyhow I’m looking at the carrot cake I smuggled out of there because I didn’t want it but wouldn’t throw out because I may want it later. I have an exam at 9 am so I expect I will be up late studying.

Taking photos of my food has been super freeing. I’m really happy that I started doing this. Throughout the day I have these thought about trying to calculate my food that I’ve had for years. Now being able to SEE what I eat is putting me at ease in a way I can’t quite explain. I feel a sense of freedom from it and I’m not trying to use it in a toxic way either which is nice that I don’t have that compulsion. I’m trying to focus on the fact that this food will fuel my brain for my exam tomorrow morning and and I’m trying to be happy for myself because I did a good job at studying today and avoiding dissociation - and regardless of my marks I think I’ve done a good job here preparing and that puts my anxiety at ease.

I’m on SLYND now which is a birth control. I’ve been taking it for two days now. It may cause weight gain but most people say it doesn’t which is a blessing omg. Keeping this food diary will help me make sure I’m not being adversely affected by the medication to eat more. And that gives me comfort because my last birth control I gained FORTY POUNDS. Omg I can’t even think about it it was so bad . Like with such bad body image it SUCKED. Really made my eating disorder worse for sure. But here I am trying to recover and mitigate the risks in a healthy way by monitoring my appetite and intake💪

Anyways, back to studying.

[ragetears]

I'm nothing

“I don’t want to be anything.”

I told you this when my chest started growing. When I got my first period. 11 years old. You said - everyone said - it meant I was a woman now. I told you I didn’t want to be a woman. “So you want to be a man?” you scoffed, everyone scoffed. “No.” I said. 

“I don’t want to be anything.”

“I just want to be me.”

But I couldn’t be me without being a woman first. Woman. Woman. Woman. No other options. I was me but only in the context of “me” being a woman. So who am I to you? How can it be surprising when I tell you I’m just myself now? How can you act like no one would have seen it coming?

“Well,” You said to me, “that’s stupid.”

I’m starving myself. Trying to look like whatever “not a woman” is. Trying not to look like anything. I’m 16 years old, embarrassed. I let you take me to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was wrong with me, too ashamed to admit the truth (I’m just not eating). They found something - the damage I did to myself (they thought it was natural, a fluke, another weird symptom for an already medically complicated child) - and gave me medicine that made me too hungry to starve anymore. I was devastated.

 I’ve permanently fucked up my body. I’m unable to get hungry without also getting nauseous enough to puke. Yet I still can’t help but think, when I look at my oversized chest, that maybe skipping lunch today would be a good idea. Mornings are rough. 

I’m 19 years old and my depression is worse than ever. I’m gaining more weight, gaining more “woman”. All I want to do is die. You think I’m not trying hard enough. I come out. You give me a book about an “ex-gay woman finding god”. Everything hurts. I feel alone, I want to die. Woman. Woman. Woman. That’s all I’ll ever be.

I’m the image of a woman now. Picturesque, hourglass, large chested, wide waisted, round faced. Picturesque becomes grotesque in the mirror, in my mind. Woman. Woman. Woman. That’s all I can see. That’s all anyone sees. I’m not me anymore. Have I ever been me? I can’t remember the last time I knew who “me” was. 

I’ll get over it. I’m just being dramatic. Following the trends. I can feel everyone behind my back laughing at me for being so juvenile. So stupid.

What happened? I gained a little courage. Just a little bit. I changed my name. Cut my hair. You still make comments - when I cried over my dying dog all you had to say was “See? You are a girl after all.”. Go fuck yourself. Girl. Girl. Girl. Woman. Woman. Woman. That’s all I’ll ever be to you. To anyone. 

 I ache with the longing of freedom. “I’m not a woman” I want to scream.

I’m not anything. I’m just me.  

[tangiblejournal56]

8/6/11

Eight in the morning, at a bus stop, bored.  Highlight being that for the first time in four or five days I’m not doubled over crying, or completely debilitated by pain.  Worse than childbirth, this pain, like someone hammering a screwdriver through my ear into my sinus cavity, down to my swollen & throbbing mouth.  The source of this hideous torture being nothing more than a broken, infected molar.  I was, am still, completely aghast that one tooth had me racked in sobs, pain sharp enough to knock the wind out of me.  I was unable to eat or even sleep as the pain intensified when my head was lain down for any period of time.  An entire day was lost to sobbing, pacing my room, hiding from Jacob so he wouldn’t have to deal with the wreck I was, rinsing constantly with salt water, using various gum-numbing agents every few minutes.  I felt miserable, a pathetic sight to see.  Jacob playing Skip-Bo, Uno, threw dice with me in a bid to keep me distracted from my tooth, but it was futile.  He rolled a joint for us, & even marijuana - usually my fail-proof painkiller - didn’t ease it, actually inflamed it, I felt as though my gums were on fire.  All the waves of pain were making me nauseous, so while Jacob finished smoking I sat with my head hovering over the toilet.  He looked down at me sympathetically, “I’m really sorry you’re hurting so much, Jamie,” his voice like a small boy’s, helpless but sympathetic.  I smiled (as much as I was capable of) & apologized for his having to see me in such a pathetic state.  He shrugged, said he didn’t mind seeing me cry, “as long as you’re not all ‘Jacob make it better!’” he joked, making me laugh.  He was later cracking up over the gum-numbing orajel having totally deadened my mouth, lips & all, & my attempts to drink water.  He erupted when I went to spit a mouthful of water into the sink, & pathetically opened my mouth to let the liquid just fall out, making a sad little noise at how gross I am.  “I’m a monster!” I cried out pitifully, making Jacob laugh even harder.  When I wan’t crying I was a great amount of entertainment.  But the pain became more than I could bear.  I called into work & Jacob accompanied me downtown to a cheap, dingy-looking Presbyterian-run dental clinic, where the receptionist told me it would be about a thirty-minute wait to get an X-ray & examination.  So we sat, watching the colorful & comical patients slam in & out the frail door.  The half an hour she promised us bled slowly into three grueling hours, both of us bored, hungry, & sick of the not-so-funny-anymore stream of people, loud & obnoxious, rude, fighting with each other.  A really depressing bit of Americana, & I dreaded the idea that I may one day have to return.  Jacob eventually forced me to go up to the receptionist & complain about the delay (which means he walked up there with me & did all the complaining - as always I am incapable of being assertive, demanding or pushy when it comes to myself, only can I be that assertive for the benefit of others), & they finally called me into a room.  My overwhelming absolute terror of the dentist hit me & I regretted not making Jacob come back into the room with me to hold my hand.  The lady began the X-ray, & tears immediately rolled down my cheeks as she ever-so-gently placed the plastic apparatus around the inside of my mouth, pain-like jolts of white-hot fire shooting through me.  I felt small like a child, helpless & unable to find the person who is supposed to take care of me.  Alone, scared & miserable, stuck in a nightmare, I didn’t want to be there by myself.  The woman was warm & understanding, but still of little comfort.  She seemed surprised when on a scale of one to ten I told her my pain was a ten.  “Worse than childbirth,” I assured her.  Soon a man whom I assumed was the actual dentist came into the tiny room & showed me the X-ray of my tooth, the only one in my mouth that had grown in crooked, how it was cracked & looked as though it were coming in sideways rather than up & down.  In friendly but blunt terms, he assured me that the course of action was to “get that tooth out of there,” to numb & remove the offending Molar No. 15.  Whenever I was able to, schedule myself in for that, but for now he would prescribe me an antibiotic & a painkiller, so that I may function like a human until the removal.  I knew it would be awhile until I could afford the pull (Jacob was even covering this examination & my prescriptions until my paycheck arrived) but I was ecstatic that I wouldn’t have to feel the horrific pain for much longer.

Jacob & I left, my spirits now soaring.  We traipsed around the sidewalks of downtown for a bit, then he wanted to get some Freebirds burritos, his treat.  It was an act that reminded me of when my siblings & I were young & had to go to the doctor out of illness or injury, how my mother would stop along the way home for a treat of ice cream or lunch, & if it was a particularly painful visit, there would be a stop for coloring books (or in my case, reading books).  The warmth in that kindness, how no trip to the doctor seemed that scary when we knew what lay in store after the fact.  Such a good mother, one who feels her children’s suffering as her own, & would absolve it into herself if she could.  How lucky we were, are, that despite our reprehensible, drug-addled, abusive birth father, our mother is “Best Case Scenario mom,” exactly what we all needed.  No one could’ve performed better, nor loved us more or more selflessly.

Riding around with Jacob on the #10 bus, I was nervous, twitchy, unable to calm myself.  Ryan rides this bus line, we were in his part of town, & I could feel him like a pulsating shift in the atmosphere.  It may sound exaggerated, but that’s how it was between us, we could sense each other like a radar.  I could feel him around me, but I could never see him.  Jacob & I took a different bus home, & I was relieved.

Once home, having taken my new large white pills heavenly in their relief, I was joyous, excited, energetic.  He & I swam, I cleaned my room & bathroom, as Racha & Thom were arriving the next day (technically today, their plane lands in an hour), & at eleven I fell into a blessedly peaceful sleep.  I awoke only once, at 5am, the throbbing returning but timidly, & I squashed that with another painkiller & went back to sleep.

I wonder what the next few days will be like with Thom & Racha here.  Will Thom be surprised at how close Jacob & I have become?  He didn’t think Jacob & I would make good roommates, but as of yet we’ve had no real problems.  Aside from when I’m at work, we spend all of our time together, sometimes with Josh but mostly on our own, keeping occupied with movies , games, swimming.  A sort of comfortability.  Yesterday as I cleaned my room I was playing Charlie Parker’s “Bird” with the door open while he played a video game on his phone, cozy as can be.  It’s funny, a year ago I would never have been able to imagine he & I would experience that kind of domestic coziness, so at ease it’s almost innocent.  Revealing to each other what we are individually like in our private life, living together makes concealing anything near impossible.  If he wanted to, Jacob could go right now into my room & open my journals or sketchbooks & see his portrait displayed a hundred times in words or drawings.  The older diaries, how infatuated & obsessed I was with him for years, or worse, the latest two in which I describe several times our disappointing attempts at sex, how unfulfilled they left me.  I would be mortified & ashamed were he to read those.  On the other hand, for him to enter my room & read guiltlessly what he knows to be private, then perhaps he should deserve to see unflattering images of himself, & thus I should not feel so bad.  And I would, even then.  My diaries a toxic element needing to be contained, handled only by those who know how to control it, those who understand its harmful properties.  So far that is an entirely lonely endeavor, just myself at the helm.  Max perhaps one day could obtain limitless access, but I’m pacing myself & him by selecting only certain articles & sections for his consumption.  Wanting always for him to see me a certain way.  These can be so exhausting, ever the constant curator & keeper of this zoo of exotic creatures, the surrounding gates eye-catching & seductive, but I cannot allow anyone access & I cannot leave.  To forgo the journal for a completely external life is unthinkable, an attempt to breathe underwater.  To whom else would I tell the undiluted truth, ugly & without affectations?  Certainly not those around me, friends, family.  How else could I pour out all of the tumultuous anguish I so often wrap myself up in?  I have a great need for the diary, yes.  My oldest, most loyal friend whom never glosses over the past with lies of a prettier picture.  My confessor, I’d never admit aloud what I can so silently own up to within these pages, & I would deny it all until the day I die.  I admit I am a bit like Anais Nin with her lies & storytelling to her world - but in here I am honest, & in the exterior world I do not commit such acts of cruelty toward those I claim to love, I do not create lies & pageantry to cover up these insidious acts I am not committing.  How the heroes of our youth fall so rapidly as you age & discover more & more about them, how their actions become clearer.  Her big hypocrisy that she refuses to address, her name-dropping, her pathological obsession with attention & devotion, her inability to accept any criticism, her overbearing pretentiousness & theatricality that never once seems genuine.  Taking on lovers out of no other course but to be able to write “I am a Donna Juana.”  Discovering how the diaries are nothing much more than fabricated stories, altered events, or flat-out lies.  I am aware that this is an accepted art form now, that most memoirs are rich with added detail made up entirely in the author’s mind.  But despite my own storytelling to my external world, I find it pathetic to lie in your journal, it seems like lying to yourself, breaking my absolute number one rule.  When I see how easily my biological father, Chelsea, Jess, even Cody at times can tell these lies & believe in them entirely, it terrifies me, shakes me, knowing that I could be capable of that.  Bending time & events to suit whatever need, disregarding reality like a worn bathrobe on a hook.  I believe in creating my own world, but I vigilantly, fervently keep one foot firmly in the outer world, in reality, at all times.  I am always scared of losing my grasp on this reality & heading feet first willfully into oblivion.  And then I would be lost.  It may not seem so terrible, like falling asleep in a blizzard, so easy & comforting, a trapdoor escape if needed.  But I’ve let myself be pulled into that self & it bears no resemblance to that snowbank.  In that reality I am easily capable of committing cruel acts & lacking any compassion.  I cannot stop myself, it is like watching someone else do these things & though I am aware of all of it, I cannot ebb the tide of it.  So I sink & sink further under, drowning in self-loathing & isolation & this thick dark fog.  I never want to be that girl again.  This is why I am always honest in here.  So I need not worry if any of it really happened that way or if I am embellishing.  I want to remember it all.

Max, for instance.  If one day we are beyond each other’s reach I want to have that history to go back over like watching a rerun again & again.  I want to be able to remember every detail of this astonishing boy who could always shake the world for me.  How capable he is of so much pain.  How a boy like that could like a girl like me, that I must be worth something if I can mean something to him.  He is ever so constantly on my mind whenever I let it drift for even a moment.  At the dentist, on the bus, walking down the street.  A great way to occupy my time.  I envision him, his face or his hands, his voice, just an image or entire memories.  I end up smiling, looking every bit the crazy girl I fear becoming.  I am, as always, indisputably, entirely, in love with that being, that mass of liquid & matter & bones & skin.  Whether or not he will ever feel the same is not now my concern.  Happy I am just loving him, knowing him, existing in his world.  How he knocks out any other men in my world & he doesn’t even try.  He is just effortlessly capable of anything.  I cannot write any more cheesy prose on the subject as I will only repeat myself & cause nausea, but he colonizes my thoughts.  I do not need him to love me back, not now anyway.  For now it is enough simply to love him, & I know that I am very important to him, despite forces like his family, his friends trying to cure him of me.  I worry, so many people telling him I’m bad, that they see something I don’t.  Something inborn I can’t shed.  But I’m not the girl they tell him I am, I haven’t been that girl in years, & even then they had no idea who I was, just as they don’t know the me now.  Max knows me, yes.  But his view of me is biased, compromised.  He has the best judgment of anyone I know, except when it comes to me.  Why do I affect him like that?  What is the basis of this hold I have on him?  Certainly not out of a blind love, like I had with Ryan.  His fascination with me, he thinks I’m wise & yet naive, he believes I understand all of those things that no one else gets, that I am smart & perceptive.  I believe I am something of a mystery to him, he is interested in my struggle with the world.  I am slowly allowing him to pull down the veils & walls of that mystery, by letting him into the journal.  For me it is like peeling off parts of my flesh, offering him organs & arteries like a sacrificial lamb.  This I have never done for anyone, those parts of me have always just been ripped from me, by Ryan, by Bryan, Olivia, even Annie.  No one has ever just waited patiently for me to offer them up as Max has, over years & years of allowing me my secrets, my concealment.  This means more to me than he could know, & I want to give him this reward, this thanks.  I am not sure how he really felt upon finally reading some portions, his ever-stoic poker face, never revealing a single thought.  He told me I wrote so honestly, that I was good at making one feel empathetic to my pain.  Whether or not he was disappointed, after years of building up that suspense, I don’t know.  If he found my subjects trite or irrelevant, when he imagined a different world.  Always my fear, he will find me entirely irrelevant, & then my opinions of him & his writing will mean nothing.  Then he will have no use for me.  My longing to mean something great to him.  To be important in his life.  I am terrified of pedestals but I sometimes want to know what it would feel like to stand upon one for him.  But I would never want to be that unreachable, that idealized image that you can never touch.  I’d rather be human, with my flawed flesh, real to him & his whenever he wants or needs me.

I am desperate for his company, I need to hear his sarcastic tone like communion, I need to see those beautiful, graceful hands punctuating his words, dancing through air more rapturous than any magician.  The space between now & when I will next be near him seems infinite, a barrier uncrossable.  The line that recedes the nearer you think you come to it.  This is not my first experience with a longing like this, not so long ago I wrote of how I didn’t know that I could survive without Ryan, how it felt like dying, like living in an airless chamber.  How dramatic I knew it was, but how genuine it felt.  How I never wanted to be addicted to anyone like that again.  With Max it is quite different (as everything with him tends to be), it is not obsession, it is not of the same urgency.  It is the difference between a mental addiction & the physical pull I felt with Ryan.  With him I felt like I might actually dissipate into air, cease to exist without him, crumble into a sort of non-existence.  The absence of a certain self, the idealistic in me, the death of the soul.  With Max coming along like the great white hope, he seemed to illuminate everything again.  He reawakened the maternal in me I’d thought Ryan had exhausted every bit of, he breathed life into me again.  I reexamined my life, saw that I was drowning like Max was, & we became each other’s life boats, holding each other’s head above water.  I was not alone anymore, I had an equal, someone to whom art & being an artist was important.  Books & music & a certain quality of life.  Words were important again, I no longer lived purely by impulse, & he made me see that everything with Ryan was not all my fault, as Ryan would leave me to believe.  Max refuses to allow me to consume myself, make myself the absolver of all guilt & blame.  For that I am grateful, he keeps me from destroying myself because he sees a worth in me that I don’t.  I spoke to him recently about if Ryan wanted me back, & how I see now that the problems he had then are problems he will have his whole life because he relishes the role of the victim too much.  I told Max the idea of returning to that depressed me so much, that “I don’t want that to be all I’m worth, you know?”  My words so imprecise.  But as always Max understood without elaboration.  “I get it.  But remember that just because he hasn’t grown doesn’t mean you haven’t.”  His wisdom.  Finding a way to put it into perspective.

A mental addiction.  Just as our relationship is built so heavily in our cerebral connection, sort of a mental affair, that is where I miss him the most.  Talking to him, the surprise of a random comment I don’t see coming keeping me off my guard, my grand addiction for everything about him.  I miss him physically, yes, those times we were able to make love like nothing else existed.  The pure pleasure of taking in his body, accomplishing some mundane task with a gracefulness & ease I’ve never seen in another.  The way he opens a bottle of wine or chops up vegetables, that precision like performing a symphony, every motion with a practiced, effective ease.  Art in movement, he doesn’t even realize how the air seems to shift around him like an aura, he seems unreal, untouchable.  When he does touch me I expect actual sparks.  He seems so mythical & yet I never lose sight that he is so very real, & strives so determinedly to understand how real people feel & why.

The difference in these worlds of longing with Ryan & with Max, I’m realizing, is experience.  I’ve lost Max before.  I survived then.  What we have now, I know, though not as innocent, pure or unsullied, is richer than I could’ve hoped, more honest & constructive, deeper, feelings more genuine, infinitely better than what we had then.  But should this friendship consume itself I would remind myself that I can survive, I’ve done it, it’s possible.  With Ryan I was caught completely off guard.  I’d never experienced anything like him before, like that relationship.  I can’t truly believe that many have.  From the first moment our paths became entwined there was that connection, that pull like siamese twins, two interlocking shapes that created an image I’d never imagined I’d fit into.  The unexpected element, realizing you were waiting for this all along without knowing you were missing anything the entire time.  To lose that is terrifying.  You don’t remember who you were before, or how you got along then, as if someone had switched off any available light & left you to fumble blindly in the dark.  Frightening, debilitating, like starting at square one again.  I am not exaggerating that it nearly killed me.  Were it not for Max hitting those light switches, I may not be here.

This is what Max means to me.

[briamichellewrites]

27

Mike and Phoenix were laying in bed together after hooking up for the first time. Phoenix had watched some gay porn to get himself ready but it wasn’t the same. They went with their gut feeling. Having it be awkward just made it more special. They were able to laugh about it. They had taken each other’s virginity, or that was how it felt. Mike didn’t know how big he was until he had him in his mouth. They took turns in different positions until they were both satisfied.

He rinsed his mouth out with water before coming back to bed. After laying in bed for a while, they got up and got dressed. I love you. Mike loved him too. The experience was magical. They had chemistry they had never discovered before. It reminded him of the night he and Brie slept together for the first time. She had been a virgin but she had chosen him because she felt safe with him.

Now, she was his wife. When he got home, he found her fast asleep. It was almost seven in the evening, so he figured she had taken a longer nap than planned. He went downstairs to feed the dogs and make himself something to eat.

She finally woke up around nine. He looked at the time in confusion. It was time for bed and she was just waking up? He sat on the bed beside her. She wasn’t feeling well, so she went to lie down. What was wrong? She just felt nauseous but she was feeling better. How did it go with Phoenix? It was better than he expected. She sat up. Her beautiful hair was all over the place. She found a hair tie and pulled it back into a ponytail.

“I don’t want to know how that… worked.”

He laughed. “We’re going to take a break for a while, so I can discover who I am. Thank you for letting me do that.”

“You’re welcome. I don’t fucking care, again if you’re gay or bisexual. I’m not leaving you. I just want the same thing that I’m giving you and that’s an open marriage.”

He nodded and promised to give her that. Was she hungry? Always. He laughed and helped her out of bed. What did she do while he was gone? She tried making herself something to eat but she became too nauseous and couldn’t stand the smell of food. So, she went upstairs to lie down. She answered some text messages before falling asleep. So, she didn’t do much.

That was fine. She was supposed to be resting anyway. They went through the refrigerator until they found something she was craving. He heated it for her. While she ate, they talked about his day. It was nothing unusual. Brad thought Rob was having a hard time with his depression. What was going on? He had moments where he didn’t think he was good enough to be in the band and he beat himself up when he made a mistake. Brad was going to talk to him.

She kind of remembered him having depression when she was younger. He nodded. Rob was sensitive. He just didn’t show it as much as Chester did. When they were in the studio, he practiced up to eight hours a day, every day. He was that hard on himself. Anyway, Brad was going to talk to him in private about their concerns. She asked to be kept updated. He promised to do that.

Yeah, their concerns were justified. He admitted to having trouble with his mental health. Ever since he was a teenager, he had moments where he was too hard on himself. He was on medication, which helped level his brain chemistry but it wasn’t a cure. Brad reminded him that the only person who didn’t think he was good enough was himself. They loved him as their little brother and they would never think he wasn’t good enough. He thanked him for that reminder.

Mike and Chester were with Brie at her checkup. The twins were growing and developing the way they were supposed to. They could see them on the screen moving their arms around. Oh my god! One of them opened their mouth like they were yawning. Mike was already in love with them, as was Brie. The miracle of life. Watching them was like watching fish swim back and forth in a large aquarium.

There was something so magical and relaxing. Did they want to find out the gender of their babies? Yeah. The technician moved the wand around to get a good look at the genitalia. Girls. Chester put his hands up in the air in happiness. Finally! They laughed. Twin girls. The technician asked if he had boys. Yeah, he had four of them. She congratulated him on his girls. Thank you! Mike laughed. He didn’t care about gender because he would love them the same regardless.

It just meant a lot more pink, princesses, tea parties, dresses, and whatever else little girls liked. He would teach them how they deserved to be treated by men and boys. That was with respect. The girls would be best friends from the beginning. His mother was going to be overjoyed to have granddaughters!

She was going to want to buy everything girly. After getting into the car, she called her mother to let her know about the appointment. Patti was very interested in hearing how things went. Everything was perfect. They got to see them moving around on the monitor. Did they find out the genders? Yeah, they were having twin girls! She took a moment to process that.

“Oh my goodness!”

She laughed. “Chester was very happy to learn that! Mike is neutral.”

“Oh my goodness! Congratulations! I’m going to have to tell your father!”

Brie wiped her tears away. After the phone conversation ended, Mike asked if she was okay. Oh, yeah. She was just going through hormones. What did her mother say when she found out about the genders? She was so excited, it was adorable! He laughed. She was going to tell the whole world. That meant family and friends. His mother was going to be the same way.

He planned to come out to his parents before the baby shower. After taking time to think about who he was, he came out as gay. Brie and Phoenix supported him. He decided he couldn’t give her what she wanted because he wasn’t sexually attracted to her. Even though he would always love her, it just wouldn’t be fair. With that, they agreed on an open marriage. They came up with rules and boundaries. He had to be tested every three to six months for HIV.

Unless Chester had the twins, she wanted him home at least two to three times a week to help her out. They also had to text each other about where they were going, if they were having someone over and when they were leaving, or if they were staying the night. He thought those were more than reasonable, so he agreed to them.

He thought about another rule. Once the twins became older and more aware of what they were doing, they could not bring partners home with them and they would not meet any partners until they officially started dating. She agreed with that decision because she heard stories about children being abused by the people their parents brought home with them. Okay. He hugged her happily and kissed her forehead. They said I love you before going into the kitchen to make dinner.

Though they were no longer in love, they were not ending their marriage. They were still best friends, who had become roommates. She was and always would be the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Nowhere else would he find a more patient, caring, and supportive wife. He didn’t want to look for another woman because he had her right in front of him.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

[uwusenpaiuwu]

Baji Being A Menace To Society (And Your Relationship) 2.0

Sequel to: Baji A.K.A. The Worst (Best) Matchmaker

Summary: Baji’s at it again, acting out-of-pocket and creating chaos for absolutely no reason, other than to see you suffer. In his own Baji-esque way, of course.

Pairing: Sano Manjiro | Mikey x Male Reader

Warning(s): Boku no Pico is mentioned, but there is absolutely nothing graphic; mentions of masturbation

Note(s): I am so sorry if it isn’t funny. Sadly, I am but an amateur writer, not a comedian. Still, I hope you all enjoy! ^^

"(Y/n), want some ice cream? My treat."

Usually, you'd be the first to jump at an offer for a sweet treat, especially when you don't have to pay. However, as of now, the word 'ice cream,' when said by Baji, instantly triggers your fight-or flight-response. Paired with the fact that he’s broke as hell, your suspicions only increase for the sudden indulgence.

Since you know you're no match for the long-haired menace, your body automatically prepares to flee, legs twitching to lurch into a sprint. Unfortunately for you, just before you can get the fuck out of there, your hand is being grabbed by Mikey, who leisurely begins to tug you along to claim your dessert.

“You like ice cream, right?” he turns to ask, eyes unbelievably soft when looking at you.

And because you’re weak for him, all you can do is nod stiffly, trading in your sanity for the pleased grin that spreads across his face, his confident strides thereafter likely a result of him successfully remembering another miscellaneous fact about you, as has been the case since you officially started dating him. From the most trivial of things, like which brand of pens and pencils you prefer, to the slightly more important stuff, like ice cream being one of your favorite desserts; he’s made the effort of remembering them all.

He really doesn’t need to do any of that, ‘cause you’ll love him either way, but the conscious decision to do so is what makes you love him even more.

Zoning back into reality, you shake your head to reorient yourself. It isn’t the time to be going over the reasons why you’re such a lovesick puppy.

No, there are other things to worry about, mainly Baji.

You squeeze Mikey’s hand as you’re led to the nearest ice cream parlor to try and calm yourself. It works for the most part, especially when you get a reassuring squeeze back.

‘Right,’ you tell yourself, ‘it’s going to be okay.’

After all, Baji wouldn’t do anything too drastic, right?

~~~

You were wrong. So, so wrong.

Despite nothing having transpired yet, every alarm in your head is going off, pounding at the door of reason to get you to wake up and realize that it’s Baji you’re talking about, the same person that sets cars on fire when hungry and punches the first unfortunate soul he passes by on the street when sleepy.

You really should’ve listened to your survival instincts and ran. Alas, it’s much too late to escape, leaving you to wallow in your anxiety, while you wait for misfortune to strike.

And strike it does.

“Please, don’t sit next to me. You make me nauseous.”

“That’s cruel. I bought you ice cream, and you treat me like this?”

Yeah, he may have bought it, but you refuse to eat it because of how intensely Baji is staring at you. Fucking weirdo.

"Oh, do you want some of mine instead, (Y/n)?" Baji accentuates his question with a sensual lick to his ice cream from the edge of the cone to the finessed peak, making you extremely uncomfortable as he stares you down with the full motion.

As slowly as he licks his frozen treat do you slowly raise your middle finger, eliciting chuckles from the other occupants of the table.

You think you won that mini battle, though?

Ha! Nope.

Baji mirrors the vulgar action, not once breaking eye contact as he dips the tip of his finger directly into his ice cream, pulls it out, and proceeds to lick that, too.

Disgusted, you promptly avert your attention elsewhere, praying that Baji won’t continue being, well, himself.

Your prayers fall on deaf ears.

"It's cold!" As soon as the exclamation leaves your mouth, your blood runs glacial, knowing that you've unintentionally played into Baji's trap. The appearance of a sly, almost feral, smirk when you whip your head around to glare confirms what you already know.

The curtain has risen, and you’re standing center stage in a performance you can’t break free from.

"Aw, can't let it go to waste,” Baji continues, reaching over to scoop the ice cream you’re 100% certain he purposely spilled on the front of your shirt, with his fingers.

Then, to your horror and everyone else’s shock, he asks, without an ounce of virtue to his name, "Want me to lick it off with my mouth?"

Chifuyu is seated on the other side of the table, hiding his face in his hands. “Baji-san...”

"It'll stain if it dries like that." Dear God, how you wish to un-see Baji batting his eyelashes at you.

“I don’t care!” At this point, you’ve resorted to clumsily scooting your chair as far away from him as possible, which isn’t actually as far as you’d like considering your surroundings. Hell, so long as you put some distance between yourself and the crazy bastard that wants to see you suffer, you don’t mind having to force yourself halfway onto Mikey’s lap. (The firm hand that keeps you steady by the waist proves that your presence isn’t unwanted either.)

"Geez, (Y/n), you're such a scatterbrain."

Seeing Baji sell the line with a slow tugging of his hair behind the ear has you torn between laughing and dying a little more. Truthfully, his acting is frighteningly impressive, and you would’ve applauded his performance, if not for the fact that the role he’s playing still haunts your dreams.

By this time, most of who accompanied you to the ice cream parlor have figured out what kind of drugs Baji is on this time, which also means that those fuckers have seen, or are at least aware of, the cursed trilogy of questionable porn that’s being reenacted before their eyes, with you as an unwilling co-star. Those that are puzzled as to why people are shoving their fists in their mouths to refrain from laughing are obviously God’s favorites.

“The fuck is going on? I wanna laugh at Baji’s dumbassery, too.”

“Pah-chin... I think it’s best you don’t know.”

Interestingly enough, the one you’re most concerned about hasn’t said anything yet, splitting his attention between observing the scene unfolding and eating his portion of a deluxe sundae.

Then, out of nowhere-

“I understand.”

You and Baji freeze where you are, each of you grasping the other’s collar, you to shove him away, and him to draw you closer.

“(Y/n),” Mikey says, your name rolling silkily off his tongue in a tone much too fond for his next words, “if you like roleplay, just tell me.”

...

“Huh?”

“I’m fine with pissing, remember? So, roleplay shouldn’t be a problem.”

Heat rises to your face at an alarming pace, and it continues to climb as Mikey takes your free hand in his, which serves not to comfort but to unintentionally remind you of the humiliating experience from a few months back. And just when you convinced him that you didn’t want anything to do with getting freaky with the body’s excreta, too.

“You’ve got it wrong! I don’t- arfghfgh?!”

Your prayer to help cool down your flushed cheeks must have been heard, but you’re pretty damn sure you didn’t ask for Baji to shove his ice cream in your mouth!

“Oh, yeah. (Y/n)’s a fuckin’ geek when it comes to roleplay,” the unhinged bastard speaks in your stead, indifferent to the nails clawing at his hand clamped over your mouth. “You should try it with him. We were doing a scene from his favorite anime.”

Mikey tilts his head, interest positively piqued. “Which one is that?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, leader?”

Mikey raises an eyebrow.

Baji opens his mouth.

You lunge.

It’s a series of events that happens in the blink of an eye and ends with loud crashing as you tackle Baji to the ground.

“Listen up, Baji Keisuke. We took an oath that day, and if you dare utter a word of what went down, I’ll consider that a breach of the code of secrecy and take you down, making sure you drown in a pit of your own shame and despair.”

Surprised to have been pinned down so quickly, it takes a while for Baji’s brain to catch up, but when it does, he’s frustratingly unfazed at the threat.

“Oho~ How scary. Too bad for you, I have no shame.”

“Not even if I tell Mama Baji where your porn stash is?”

That has the great Baji tensing up.

“You wouldn’t dare use an underhanded tactic like that.”

Your lips turn into a wicked grin. “Are you sure? I have as much dirt on you as you have on me, and like you, I won’t hesitate to use it to my advantage.”

If your grin is wicked, Baji’s is downright evil, showing off his sharp, gritted canines and all.

“You got balls, (Y/n),” he snarls, “but mine are bigger.”

The boy beneath you opens his mouth, and faster than you can stop him, he just...does it.

“(Y/n) (L/n) watched Boku no Pico and liked it!”

Silence.

Silence is all that’s heard for a good, long minute following the booming roar of the revelation.

You dare not look up to gauge everyone’s reactions, instead keeping your icy glare fixated on Baji, who looks smug as shit for having caused the glorious eruption of heat to spread like wildfire across your entire body, from the tips of your ears down to where your skin disappears under the collar of your jacket.

This...

This is war.

Taking in a deep breath, you answer his uncalled for declaration with your own thunderous shout of, “Baji watched Boku no Pico and jacked off to it! Twice!”

Baji laughs. “Oh, pray tell, saintly (Y/n), how many times did you jack off to it?”

“None of your fucking business, asshole.”

“Pretty fucking sure it is, since we were in the same room.”

Someone chokes, while you choke Baji.

“We. Swore. To. Secrecy. You. Asshole,” you practically growl, with each of your words accompanied by a ruthless back-and-forth shaking of the other boy’s person.

“Let up on the choking, dude. I’m not into that. You, however-”

Unable to take the ceaseless slander to your name anymore, you reel your fist back, but, upon seeing Baji’s cheek turned to you, jaw jutted out, as if inviting you to take your best shot, you hesitate. You know you wouldn’t be able to pack enough of a punch to actually leave an impact on him, which is terribly upsetting.

On the bright side, there’s still one tactic you can use that’ll be just as effective, a technique courtesy of your health teacher, who happily taught it to the class to use in case of an emergency.

Technically, it’s meant to be used to assess a person’s level of consciousness, but you suppose it can be used to get back at inconsiderate idiots, too.

“Ow! Ow! What the fuc-! Ow!”

You keep a straight face as you continue to rub your knuckles against his sternum, fully intent on delivering the worst possible pain to the current bane of your existence. It brings a sort of sadistic satisfaction to hear the ever prideful Baji’s screams of pain, and while it doesn’t completely undo the damage done, it does help soothe your wounded self-esteem.

“You want me stop? Beg for it.”

“Pissing, roleplay, choking, and begging? Goddam- OW!”

Your reign of terror comes to its untimely end when you’re lifted up into the air by the armpits, and through the haze of your power trip, you realize that Baji’s saving grace is Draken, who proceeds to carry you out of the parlor with ease.

“People are staring,” he coolly explains when you protest to having unfinished business.

Pouting, you cross your arms over your chest. “It’s his fault.”

Once outside, Draken doesn’t immediately put you back on your feet, until Mikey strolls out of the parlor. Only when the gang leader has his arms outstretched to you are you promptly deposited on the ground and taken into his embrace.

“Are you done letting off some steam?” is the first thing he asks you. Even though you can’t see his expression, the way he holds you and the way he cradles the back of your head, handling you with the utmost care, is indication enough that there will be no reprimand for, essentially, assaulting your division commander. (You would argue that it was an act of self defense against verbal harassment, but whatever.)

There’s just an overwhelming amount of love. So, so, so much love for each other.

“Yeah, I am,” you eventually answer, followed by a content sigh.

“Good.”

Naturally, that’s the perfect time for the tinkling of the bells above the parlor door to pilfer your attention. Baji’s appearance causes your face to morph into a scowl.

You cling tighter to Mikey, peeking over his shoulder to flip the ravenet off and mouth, ‘Go to Hell.’

As always, Baji answers your attempt to appear opposing with an obnoxious smirk.

‘See you there.’

~~~

“Boku no Pico, huh?”

“Draken, don’t laugh! Baji forced me to watch it!”

“All 3 episodes?”

“Twice.”

“...”

“...”

“Favorite scene...?”

“As if I’d have one.”

"Actually-"

“Ahh! Shut up! Why are you here, stupid Baji?! You live in the other direction!”

~~~

“Hey, (Y/n). Want to try doing the same thing with me?”

You look up, perplexed. Mikey literally just walked into the room, and that was the first thing he said to you.

“Do wha-?”

Your breath catches in your throat when you turn your head, only for you to come centimeters from bumping noses with him. And because he can, he lovingly knocks your foreheads together, too.

“It’s okay. I promise it’ll definitely be fun.”

You should feel ashamed for recognizing the same sequence of lines from Boku no Pico so quickly, though any coherent words are overtaken by an incomprehensible, high-pitched screech, a feat achieved solely by a teenage boy going through puberty.

A combination of shock and amusement crosses over Mikey’s features then. He’s never heard you make that sound before.

It’s cute. Strains the ears quite a bit, but cute.

While Draken lurks beside him, questioning Mikey’s standards of what constitutes as ‘cute,’ you’re sprinting across the room, red-faced, to Baji, who’s already grinning from ear-to-ear.

“Stop tainting my boyfriend, you piece of shit! Give him back his innocence!”

(Unbeknownst to you, whilst immersed in your fit of hysterics, your use of the word ‘boyfriend’ has a certain blond beaming.

“Did you hear that, Ken-chin? He called me his boyfriend.”

“Wow, congrats.”

Mikey either doesn’t give a shit or is simply too smitten to acknowledge Draken’s apathetic response.)

Baji blinks, unable to believe what you’re trying to insinuate. “Innocent? That little gremlin motherfucker?”

Both of you look in Mikey’s direction. When he sees you staring, he breaks out in a smile and throws a wave.

Your heart involuntarily skips a beat at the sight, and, okay, you’re convinced. Mikey deserves better than knowing of that cursed series’ existence.

Clearly, you’re down bad for Toman’s leader, and as such, Baji figures he can use that to quench his boredom for the day.

“Ooh, if only you knew what he gets off to.”

The tone in his voice instantly rouses suspicion. You narrow your eyes at him. “I don’t care what kind of porn he gets off to.”

“Porn? Nah, ya silly goose-”

“Don’t call me that.”

Baji ignores your comment as he moves to sling one arm around your shoulders, the other raising up to mimic an obscene tugging motion that no teenage boy is a stranger to.

“He jerks it to yo-”

BAM!

One second, Baji is lazily hanging off of your person, the next, he’s sprawled out on the floor, face down, and groaning in pain. You expect nothing less after witnessing him receive a rather impressive flying kick to the chest from Mikey.

Before you can assess the full damage, your view gets obscured by a pair of keys.

“Wanna take my bike out for a spin?”

Yes, you know Mikey is trying to divert your attention from whatever Baji was going to say, and, yes, you probably should check on the figure that has yet to get up.

But do you really care?

You take one glance at Baji’s concerningly unmoving body and quickly come to a conclusion.

You do not.

That being said, you quite literally drag Mikey and, by extension, Draken out of there, chanting an excited, “Let’s go!” on your way, abandoning Baji to wither on the ground.

Baji?

Baji feels betrayed.

~~~

"Chifuyu?”

“Hm?”

“Y’know, I was joking.” Baji flips onto his back with a grunt. “Man, who knew Mikey was all grown up?”

The vice captain of the first division hums, seemingly uninterested in his commander’s musings.

It goes quiet for a few minutes, the sole instigator of noise being Chifuyu flipping the pages of his manga.

Unpredictable is Baji, and the same goes for his train of thought.

“I should punch Mikey for kicking me.”

“No, you’d get beat up.”

“...”

“I should punch (Y/n) for Mikey kicking me.”

Truly, unpredictable and senseless.

“You’d still get beat up.”

Baji opens his mouth to argue.

“By Mikey.”

He promptly closes it.

“Fuck it. I’ll keep spicing up their relationship as payback.”

Sighing, Chifuyu closes his book to crouch down next to him. “Baji-san, with all due respect, you’re an asshole.”

Baji Keisuke has experienced betrayal twice today.

And he deserved it both times.

[thebadgerclan]

His Turn

Pairing: Severus Snape x reader

Requested by Anonymous

Summary: You’ve cared for him, now it’s his turn to care for you...

Pain.  That was all you felt: in your limbs, in your neck, in your head.  Hell, your skin even ached.  Your leg throbbed with every step, bones screaming with every step, the wound from the necrosis curse not quite healed yet.  Madame Pomfrey had kept it from killing your flesh and needing an amputation, but the wound remained, healing unbearably slowly.  Bruises littered your skin, remnants from the battle that had nearly claimed yours and your husband’s lives.  To sum it up; you felt like a reanimated corpse, craving rest more than anything.

But you couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop.  Because of Severus, you pushed forward.  His injuries were far more severe than yours, his pain deeper than yours.  The puncture wounds in his neck were healing far slower than yours, Nagini’s venom preventing the skin from stitching itself back together at a normal rate.  Your husband needed you; he needed you to be strong, he needed you to take care of him, so that’s what you’d do.  

You leaned against the kitchen counter, breathing deeply, eyes shut tight.  Standing for too long left you nauseous and winded, but Severus was hungry, so you’d get him something to eat.  Part of your mind, which is to say, most of your mind, felt that if you didn’t look after Severus, he would die.  He’d come so close to death after Nagini’s bite, spending a week in the hospital wing hooked up to IVs, unconscious, thick bandages wrapped around his neck.  Severus was still bedridden, but he was awake and lucid.  Weak, tired, but alive.

Slowly, you made your way back to the bedroom, a plate in hand, the other trailing on the wall.  Severus was propped up on a mountain of pillows, bandaged around his throat, a book on his lap.  “Here you are, love,” you said, trying to sound peppy, but your voice betrayed you.  Your husband had indeed noticed your fatigued state, but for the most part, he’s choked it up to how hard you were working to care for him.  But now, as he watched you stagger over to him, shadows under your eyes so dark they might have been painted on, breathing heavily, limping, he realized that wasn’t the case at all.

“Y/N, darling, are you alright?”  “Hmm?  I’m fine, Sev.  Perfectly fine.”  You were lying, and you both knew it.  And as you sat down on your side of the bed, a little too hard for his liking, Severis took the plate from your hand and set it on the bedside table.  “Y/N, look at me,” he said, taking your face in his hands.  As soon as he touched you, he felt you deflate, going limp, leaning into his touch.  “Oh sweetheart.  You’re hurting, aren’t you?”

Tears welled in your eyes, and you nodded, letting the weakness and vulnerability you’d felt for days spill over.  “Yes, Sev.  I’m in so much pain.”  Your husband felt his heart crack clean down the middle, and he shifted you so you were tucked into his side, your face in his chest, his arms tight around you.  “Y/N, my love, why haven’t you said anything?”  You sniffled, rubbing your eyes.  

“Because you’re hurting too, and you almost died, and there’s part of me that thinks you still might, and I need to take care of you,” you explained, breath coming fast, tears pouring down your face.  Crying made your head hurt worse, but you didn't care, you couldn’t stop.  “I need to take care of you, Severus, because I’m so damn scared of losing you.  I almost lost you, and I won’t let it happen again.  But Sev, I’m so tired, I can’t keep this up.  Everything hurts; it hurts to walk, to stand for too long.  Merlin, I’m so tired.”

Severus pressed a long, lingering kiss to your forehead, wrapping his arms tighter around you.  “Oh Y/N, my love.  Sweetheart, you don’t have to keep doing this.  I am not going to die, Madame Pomfrey reassured us of that.  I’m getting better, Y/N, you don’t have to work yourself to the bone.  You need to rest and heal too, my darling.”  “But-”  “Shhh,” he interrupted, looking into your eyes, which were brimming with tears.  “I appreciate you taking care of me, but you need to stop.  You’ll shut down soon, and I won’t let that happen.”

“I’m just still so worried about you, Sev,” you said, and he nodded.  “I understand, sweetheart.  But you’ve taken care of me for weeks, let me take care of you now.”  You lifted your head so you could look at your husband properly.  “Are you sure?  You’re still on bedrest, I don’t want you pushing yourself too hard.”  “I’m sure, my love.  Madame Pomfrey said I can start getting up and moving a bit if I’m feeling well.  And I am.  So, it’s my turn to take care of you.”

It felt like a weight had been lifted off of your chest, like you could breathe again, and fresh tears spilled over.  But these were tears of relief; relief that your husband was getting better, that he was feeling well enough to get out of bed after weeks, relief that you could rest and heal, that Severus would care for you as you had cared for him.  

“I love you,” you whispered, Severus wiping your tears with his thumb.  “I love you, Sev.  Thank you.”  “You needn’t thank me, my sweet.  I will always take care of you.  I love you too, Y/N.  I’ll take care of you now.”  You smiled, resting your head back on Severus’ chest, his heartbeat against your ear, lulling you into a deep, dreamless, content sleep.