#like i think y’all hate her more than me considering how stupid you want her to be

[starlooove]

On one hand painting jinxs every action as sympathetic and heroic is so fucking irritating but since she MIGHT be closer to ekko now I HAVE to pay attention to her fairly I acrually am not neutral verging on dislike bc of her rabid ass fans like she’s cool ig

[worth-the-chaos]

Adventures in Babysitting - Steve Harrington x female!reader - Chapter 12

Chapter Summary: The evil that you thought you had gotten rid of is still very much lurking within Hawkins. You, your boyfriend, and your friends race against time to try and find Eddie before it’s too late.

Content Warning: swearing, violence, knives and blood, jealous Steve

Word Count: 6.5k

Author’s Note: This chapter is starting to get season 4 going, so that’s pretty epic. I hope you guys enjoy it and thank you so much for reading it <3

Message me to be added to the taglist! Also, send me asks! Tell me shit, ask me questions, y’all are fun to talk to ;)

Series Masterlist | Part 11 | Next Part

***

Your Saturday started out like any normal Saturday. Steve peppered soft kisses to your skin as you woke up from your comfortable slumber wrapped in his arms. You ate breakfast together and got ready before picking up Robin and making your way to Family Video. It had taken a significant amount of convincing to get Keith to let the three of you work together, considering there was really only enough work for two people to do, but he finally agreed to it since, in his own words, “Steve barely even counts.”

You all were reorganizing the shelves as Robin recounted her conversation with Vickie at the basketball game the night prior. “Then Vickie laughed. And it wasn’t like a cheap fake laugh either. It was like…it was a real, genuine laugh!”

“Of course she laughed, Rob. It’s my muppet joke. It’s hilarious,” Steve replied as he restocked the horror section. You rolled your eyes from your perch on the counter, glaring up at him as you stopped sorting out the returned movies.

“My point is that Vickie laughed, and everything was just like…it was perfect! But I’m having this problem where it’s like, I should stop talking. I have said everything I need to say, but then I guess I get nervous and the words keep spilling out, and it’s like my-my brain is moving faster than my mouth or…or rather my-my mouth is moving faster than my brain, and…and it’s like I’m digging this hole for myself, and I want to stop digging and I’m trying to stop digging, but I can’t, and I’m doing it right now, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, you are,” you responded, looking at her with a great deal of sympathy. You knew how she was feeling. You couldn’t even count the amount of times that you had rambled on and on to Steve about something so completely and utterly stupid because you didn’t know when to stop.

“Ugh, I’m hopeless,” Robin backed up against the wall, throwing her head back in exasperation.

“Robin! Don’t say that; you are not hopeless,” you scolded your best friend, “I mean, look. I was completely and utterly hopeless before Steve and I started dating…like if he hadn’t shown up and the planets hadn’t aligned, I’d be single as fuck right now, but everything that the two of us have, started with us just being friends. So, the fact that you’re talking to Vickie and she clearly at least likes you in that capacity is a really damn good sign.”

“I wouldn’t say you would be hopeless, I mean, guys are pretty much throwing themselves at you,” Steve mumbled under his breath, thinking back to how you had interacted with Eddie the night before. You had seemed so comfortable with him and he hated to admit it, but the two of you looked like you belonged together far more than you did with him. Eddie marched to the beat of his own drum. He dressed different, he acted different, he didn’t go with the crowd or hop on the bandwagon. You were exactly the same. Sometimes Steve worried that you would wake up and realize that he was way too stereotypical and boring for you and that you would leave him. He pushed the thought aside as you spoke up.

“What do you mean?” Before Steve could answer, Robin began rushing across the room.

“Oh! I think I found our morning movie!” She held up a copy of Doctor Zhivago.

“Ugh, you know I don’t do double VHS,” Steve groaned, shaking his head as he walked past the counter towards her. You stopped him, smacking him in the chest before he could try and take the tape away from Robin before you spoke up.

“We’d actually love to watch it Robin,” you smiled, your eyes still glaring at Steve. Robin jumped up and down a little bit before turning on the television to get it set up, but all of you paused when the news came on.

“We’re in the Forest Hills trailer park in east Roane County. We don’t have a lot of details now, but we can confirm that the body of a Hawkins High student was discovered early this morning. Police have not yet released the victim’s name…” the reported stated, detailing all the information that was known and released.

“Holy shit,” Steve whispered, his and Robin’s eyes transfixed on the screen. His voice sounded far away as your vision blurred with tears. You could barely breathe as you thought about the only two Hawkins High students you knew that lived there: Max and Eddie. If it was either of them, you weren’t sure what you would do. You weren’t sure how you would be able to live and move on.

You stumbled backwards, and you knocked over a pile of VHS tapes as you blindly grabbed for the edge of the counter, beginning to hyperventilate. Robin and Steve snapped out of the trance the news had put them in, as Steve’s head whipped around towards you just in time as you collapsed to the floor.

“Robin turn that off!” Steve yelled, and she grabbed for the remote, quickly silencing the news. You were in a heap on the floor sobbing, barely able to hear Steve as he quickly sat with you on the floor, rubbing big circles across your back to try and calm you down. “Shhhh, y/n. I’m right here, okay baby….I’m right here with you and I’m not going to go anywhere,” he whispered into your ear, kissing your temple as you cried.

After a while, you finally found the will to calm yourself down, and you had been the one to turn the TV back on. You wanted to know as much as you could. You wanted as much information as possible to rule out the possibility that it was either of your friends. Really the only additional information you got was that it was definitely murder and that the police hadn’t released the names of any suspects, which was a whole lot of nothing to go off of.

You were biting your nails, staring at the screen with furrowed brows, when suddenly the chime of the bell above the door rang out into the otherwise empty store. You jumped, turning around to see Dustin followed by Max Mayfield herself.

“Max!” You shouted as you hopped over the counter and pulled her into a bone crushing hug. She groaned, not expecting the sudden demonstration of how much you cared before she reciprocated.

“Hello to you too, I guess?”

“I’m just so glad you’re okay,” you breathed out, feeling a sense of relief flood your body, knowing that Max wasn’t the unnamed victim from the news. Max was struck by your words, not really even considering the fact that some of her friends may be led to believe that she had been killed based on the location of the murder.

“Are you guys seeing this?” Steve chimed in, pointing to the TV screen in the back corner of the room.

“How many phones do you have?” Dustin asked suddenly. You looked at him with confusion plastered across your face.

“Someone was just murdered,” Steve replied, annoyed that the boy could be asking about phones at a time like this.

Dustin just slammed his hands on the counter in response, causing you to jump again in your anxious state, before he repeated himself. “How many phones do you have?”

“Two…why?” You spoke up, furrowing your brow.

“Technically three, if you count Keith’s in the back,” Robin corrected you, a similar look flashing across her face.

“Three works,” Max spoke up, looking at Dustin. Dustin paused, looking at Steve and Robin behind the counter before throwing his backpack across and hopping it. You and Max were civilized, walking around the counter to join them while Steve protested.

“My tapes! Dude! What are you doing, man?!” Steve groaned. Dustin had a special talent for making things significantly more difficult for Steve…especially at his place of work.

“Setting up base of operations,” Dustin replied, typing into the computer.

You attempted to shove him to the side, away from your computer, but he swatted your hands away. You glared at him with the might of a thousand suns before hip checking him, causing him to stumble to the side. “What the fuck do you guys need our computer for?”

“To look up Eddie’s friends’ phone numbers,” Dustin retorted as if it was obvious.

“Oh Eddie, your new best friend you think is cooler than me because he plays your nerdy game,” Steve grumbled back, but you were only half paying attention as you made eye contact with Max. Clearly the two kids knew something that you didn’t and you were worried what that meant in conjunction with the shit you were hearing on the news.

“I never said that!” Dustin looked at Steve, and you rolled your eyes.

“Seriously, you guys, maybe on a Monday you can play around, but it’s Saturday. It’s our busiest day,” Robin spoke up, reorganizing the shit that Dustin had knocked off the counter.

“Robin, I totally empathize but this cannot wait,” Dustin sighed as he started writing on a clipboard.

“What because calling all of Eddie’s friends is an emergency?”

“Exactly!”

“Do you want me to strangle him or do you want to?” Steve asked you. The chuckle he was about to let out died in his throat when he saw the look on your face.

“I really think we should hear them out,” your voice was small when you replied. You all looked over at Max and she took a deep breath before she began talking.

“The victim…it’s Chrissy Cunningham,” she started, “I saw her body this morning when the police were leaving. The thing is, I saw her go in Eddie’s trailer and shortly after, my TV started going nuts and the lights started flickering like crazy, which isn’t really super out of the ordinary, my electricity is shit….but then I heard screaming and looked out the window and I saw Eddie leave and—and he looked scared. Like really scared.”

Steve reached for your hand, interlocking his fingers with yours before he spoke up. “So…Eddie killed Chrissy?”

“Steve! No, he fucking didn’t. That’s why we need the phones so that we can find out where he is so that we can prove that he’s innocent,” Dustin glared at your boyfriend, shoving him a bit.

“Just calm down,” you interjected, standing in between the boys. This was all a lot to unpack and you weren’t going to solve anything if they couldn’t stop bickering. When they both grumbled and crossed their arms, you moved around the counter, swiftly moving to the door and flipping the sign to indicate that the store was closed. “Just, you guys can use the phones, okay? But that’s it. We don’t do anything else until we have something solid to go off of. Do you understand?” You looked between Max and Dustin.

They both began to nod and you shook your head. “No, I need to hear you say it. I’m serious, someone was just killed and we are not putting our lives in jeopardy without some serious cause, okay?”

“Yes, we understand,” Max responded. Dustin spoke up in agreement, and you paused to look at them one more time before turning around.

“I’ll get Keith’s phone from the back. You all start making calls.”

You swiftly headed to the back, grabbing the third phone. You were turning around to leave when you about nearly jumped out of your skin, when you were met face to face with your boyfriend.

“Steve! You scared the shit out of me! Don’t fucking do that!” You put a hand on your chest as you tried to catch your breath.

“Y/n, I don’t have a good feeling about this. I mean, the most likely scenario is that Eddie killed that poor girl and now we’re actively trying to find him. He could be fucking dangerous, and I don’t want anything to happen to you, okay? So, let’s just stop all this bullshit before it’s too late,” he grabbed your hands, rubbing his thumbs along the backs of them as he looked you in the eyes. His brow was furrowed with worry, and you felt a pang in your chest. You knew you had to see this through, if not for Eddie, then for Dustin.

“Steve, I know Eddie. He wouldn’t do something like this. Trust me,” you told Steve, looking him in the eyes with so much conviction that he decided to let it go for now.

You brought the phone out and Hawkins’ Family Video soon became a bustling call center as you all took turns trying to get ahold of anyone who may possibly know where Eddie was. Name after name after name got crossed off your list as you found no answers, and you were beginning to feel hopeless when Max spoke up.

“Hey guys, I might have a lead,” she started, “apparently, Eddie gets drugs from some guy named Reefer Rick, and sometimes Eddie crashes there.”

“Alright, that sounds promising. So where does this Reefer Rick guy live?” Robin asked.

“See, that’s the thing. No one knows. He’s more of a…legend than someone that people actually know.”

“What about a last name?” You spoke up, attempting to find any additional piece of information that you could follow to find Eddie.

“I don’t know that either.”

“I bet the cops know the last name,” Steve spoke up. He hadn’t been super helpful in calling around, instead choosing to reorganize the store and do some light cleaning. He was reorganizing some tapes with his back to you all and he had said it so nonchalantly.

“What?” You questioned him, irritation settling in your tone.

“I said the cops probably know,” he shot back, “I mean, listen, if this Reefer Rick is actually a drug dealer, I guarantee you he’s been busted at some point. Means he’s in the system.”

“The cops? Really, Steve? That’s your suggestion?” Dustin asked incredulously.

“I just think at this point they should be filled in on what we know; what’s going on.”

“You think Eddie’s guilty, don’t you?” Dustin stepped forward, but you placed a gentle hand on his shoulder to settle him. You could hear the hurt in his voice and you wished that Steve hadn’t been the one to cause it, but then again, tensions were high with everything that was going on; like the implications of Max’s account of her electricity going haywire around the time that Chrissy would have died.

“Woah, woah, woah, I believe in innocent until proven guilty and all that constitutional shit…I just, you know….I just don’t think we can rule it out,” Steve spoke up, avoiding making eye contact with any of you as he messed with a Rubik’s cube on the counter.

“Steve!” You scolded him. Why can’t he just take a leap of faith and believe you guys?

“That’s precisely what we’re trying to do here, Steve,” Max spoke up, glaring at the boy.

“And maybe we’d have a little bit more luck if you spent less time reorganizing shit that doesn’t need reorganizing and more time trying to find Eddie,” Dustin chimed in.

“Hey, someone’s gotta make sure things are in order here. Do you see how many fucking movies we have? It can be overwhelming for the average customer,” Steve tried to defend himself.

Suddenly an idea popped into your head, as you darted over to the computer, typing away into the system. “What are you doing?” Max asked.

“Maybe we don’t need a last name,” you started as you pressed enter on the keyboard. “Twelve Ricks already have accounts here…now it’s just a matter of narrowing it down.”

***

After determining the Rick most likely to be the Reefer Rick, you waited until it got dark to go scope the place out. You decided that you’d be more inconspicuous at night, not wanting to draw any attention to yourselves while you tracked down a potential murder suspect.

You were all piled in Steve’s BMW as he pulled into the driveway of one Rick Lipton. You felt nerves settle in your stomach as you tried to take a deep breath, Dustin quickly getting out of the car and ringing the doorbell. No one answered and after Dustin pressed the button repeatedly, Steve put a hand on his shoulder to pull him away from the door.

“Okay. Well, that’s settled, I guess he’s not here,” Steve spoke up. This did nothing to stop Dustin from continuing to pound on the door, yelling for the boy to answer. So much for being inconspicuous, you thought as you walked around the side of the house. Your hands trembled a bit, being a tad anxious about being out here at night, when your flashlight finally caught sight of a boathouse on the lake.

“Hey guys?” You called out. Steve was quick to join you, followed by the rest of the gang as you cautiously approached the metal lined shed. There was no real signs of life in there as you entered, and it seemed just as abandoned as Rick’s house. “Hello? Is anyone home?” You shouted into the darkness as you took a hesitant step inside.

“What a dump,” Steve muttered, taking in the sight of all of the clutter. In his mind, there was no way in hell that Eddie was here, so though he was taking all of this seriously, he wasn’t too committed to really inspecting the place with great detail.

You grabbed an oar off of the wall, walking over to the small boat docked in the center of the room as you shoved at the tarps with it, not wanting to get close just in case something was awry.

“What are you doing?!” Dustin whisper-shouted at you, perplexed by your actions.

“He might be in there,” you answered simply.

“Then take the tarp off!”

“If you’re so brave, you take the tarp off!” You whisper-shouted back at him, though when Dustin moved forward to do just that, you and Steve both yanked him back by his shoulders. You continued to poke at the tarp, and Steve placed a gentle but nervous hand on the small of your back, not wanting to stray too far from you.

Max suddenly spoke up from across the room, pointing her flashlight at some odds and ends on a small table. “Hey, guys. Someone was here.”

“Maybe he heard us? Got spooked and ran?” Robin suggested, joining Robin to inspect the items before her.

“Don’t worry. Y/n will get him with her oar…isn’t that right y/n?” Dustin spoke to you sarcastically. You were glad you had the self control to not swing it at the infuriating child beside you as Steve moved away from you to pull Dustin aside. He didn’t need the two of you arguing with each other. You two bickered like siblings and now wasn’t the time for a pseudo-familial spat.

“I know you think you’re being funny, Henderson,” you started, continuing to jab at the tarps, “but considering the fact that everyone in this room has nearly died about a hundred times, personally, I don’t find it funny in the slight—“

Your words were cut off as a figure under the tarp sprung to life, grabbing you around the shoulders and pushing you against the wall. You heard the familiar flick of a pocket knife, feeling the sharp tip of the metal press against your throat. The boathouse erupted into a chorus of shrieks and screams, as you leaned your head back, unable to breathe as you stared wide-eyed at the boy you were tutoring for physics.

“Woah, woah, woah! Eddie! Eddie, stop!” Dustin shouted. He took a step closer and Eddie pushed you back farther into the wall, letting you all know that he wasn’t playing games. Steve felt like his whole world was crashing down around him. To Steve, Eddie’s actions confirmed that he was dangerous, that he had likely killed Chrissy, and that he was about to do the same thing to you. Steve’s mind was working double time trying to figure out how to get you away from the freak, as he started to take a huge step towards you when Robin roughly grabbed his arm, preventing him from getting any closer.

“Robin let go of me!” He shouted at her, trying to shake out of her grip.

“Steve,” she warned, and the way that she said it made him stop to reevaluate the situation, realizing the closer he got to you, the more he was putting your life in peril. A small cry escaped your lips as you tried to blink back tears, and Steve’s heart sank in his chest. He felt his hands trembling at his sides, wanting nothing more than to hold you and to tell you that everything was going to be okay, but watching as the knife threatened to break the skin of your neck, he wasn’t so sure he even believed the sentiment.

“It’s me, Dustin. This is y/n,” Dustin continued, gesturing to you, “she’s not going to hurt you, right, y/n?”

“Right, yeah,” you barely were able to whisper, the muscles in your neck all tensed as you tried to get as far away from the knife as possible. Your chest heaved as you swallowed and breathed out a shaky breath.

“Y/n, why don’t you drop the oar,” Dustin cautioned. You hadn’t even realized you were still holding it, barely even being able to feel the white knuckled grip you had on the handle. You willed your fingers to let go and as the oar crashed to the floor, the sudden sound caused Eddie to jump, leaning in farther and nicking your neck a bit in the process. You yelped in pain, and Steve started to freak out, unable to control his breathing. Robin continued to try and calm him down, but it wasn’t working super well.

“She’s cool, she’s cool!” Dustin reminded Eddie, still trying to talk him off of a cliff. Steve wished he had trusted his intuition earlier and kept you all far away from Eddie the freak Munson.

“I’m cool, man, I’m cool,” you spoke up, your voice shaky, “I’m helping you in Ms. O’Donell’s class, remember?”

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asked, his eyes wild as he refused to let you go.

“We’re looking for you, we’re here to help,” Dustin spoke up, “Eddie, these are my friends. You know Robin, from band. This is my friend Max, the one who never wants to play D&D. And obviously that’s Steve; I know you know him because you hate him, okay? Eddie, we are on your side. I swear on my mother, right guys?” He looked to the three of your friends behind him who all desperately nodded in agreement.

“Yes, yes, we swear!” Robin agree.

“Yeah, on Dustin’s mother,” you squeaked out. Eddie looked at you and you could tell he was acting out of fear. You knew this wasn’t him. That still didn’t quell the fear in your own chest as you spoke up once more to whisper, “please.”

Eddie paused, his eyes searching yours to try and determine your intention. He knew that you were a good person. Hell, you’d been helping him through fucking physics which wasn’t exactly a cake walk. Seeing the terror across your face as you whimpered, however, was what finally broke Eddie, as he finally let you go.

You let out a small cry as the tears you had been attempting to blink back finally spilled down your face while you crumpled to the floor. Steve rushed to your side, sitting on the floor with you, not unlike he had earlier in Family Video when the news came on. Your hand clutched at your neck. Even though Eddie had only just slightly nicked you, your blood had dripped enough to stain the collar of your shirt, and began to seep through your fingers as you held pressure to the cut. It stung like a bitch, but you were more scared than hurt.

“Hey, hey, hey, let me see, okay baby? Can you do that for me?” Steve asked softly, as one of his hands wrapped around the nape of your neck and the other gently tugged on your wrist. You obliged, trembling fingers dropping from your neck as you shook in Steve’s arms.

He used the sleeve of his jacket to put pressure on the cut to attempt to get it to stop bleeding. You took several deep breaths, wiping the tears away from your face as you began to finally calm down. It helped that you knew that Eddie wouldn’t hurt you on purpose. In your mind, he wasn’t a threat in the slightest, just a boy that was scared and needed some comforting.

“Eddie, we just want to talk,” you heard Dustin’s voice ring out in the empty boathouse. Eddie looked like a mess as he sat in a heap on the floor, looking equal parts defeated and terrified. Dustin tried to take the knife away from him, but Eddie tightened his grip so Dustin relented.

“We just want to know what happened,” you breathed out, your voice still shaky as you continued to calm down.

“You won’t believe me,” Eddie sniffled. You moved out of Steve’s grasp despite his protests, putting a gentle hand on Eddie’s shoulder. He tensed up but soon relaxed into your touch.

“Try us,” you replied. Eddie wasn’t sure if it was the look on your face or the sincerity in your voice, but he decided in that moment that he could trust you guys.

He began by explaining that she was at his house so that he could sell to her, discussing how everything had been fine and normal…until it very much wasn’t.

“…her body just, like, lifted up into the air and, uh…and she just, like, hung there. And her bones…uh, she…her bones started to snap. Her eyes, man…it-it was like there was something inside her head pulling,” he whimpered with a faraway look in his eyes, “I…I-I didn’t know what to do, so I…I ran away…I-I left her there,” he scoffed, “you all think I’m crazy, right?”

“No, we don’t think you’re crazy,” Dustin began to assure him, but Eddie quickly cut him off.

“Don’t bullshit me, man! I know how this sounds!”

You moved in between Eddie and Dustin, pushing Dusting behind you protectively. “Hey, we’re not bullshitting you,” you started, your tone leaning on frustrated, “we believe you and we’re probably the only people who fucking will, so I would suggest you find a way to calm down and shut the fuck up because what I’m about to tell you might be difficult to take.”

“Okay,” Eddie finally said. No one was really expecting you to be that blunt about things, but it needed to be said.

“You know how people say Hawkins is…cursed?” You started, trying to find the right words. Eddie nodded. “They’re not…way off. There’s another world; a world hidden beneath Hawkins. Sometimes it bleeds into ours,” your hand subconsciously went to the cut on your neck, the bleeding having finally trickled to a stop.

“Like ghosts and shit?” Eddie asked hesitantly.

“There are some things worse than ghosts,” Max spoke up quietly, and you felt a chill creep up your spine as she said it.

“These monsters from this other world,” Dustin continued, “we thought that they were gone, but they’ve come back before and that’s why we needed to find you.”

“If they’re back again, we need to know,” you emphasized.

“That night, did you see anything?” Robin questioned. You all waited with bated breath for Eddie’s answer. You were afraid of what he might say and Steve stepped forward and grabbed your hand, sensing your anxiety.

“No, man, there was nothing you could see or, uh…touch,” Eddie responded, “you know, I tried to wake her man, but she couldn’t move. It was like she was…she was in a trance or something.”

“Or under a spell…Vecna’s curse,” Dustin whispered.

“Who’s Vecna?” Steve asked, pulling you into his chest. He needed something to hold onto.

“An undead creature of great power,” Dustin answered and you shuddered thinking about it. You had thought you got rid of whatever entity was calling the shots from the Upside Down, but maybe you were wrong.

Maybe everything that had happened before was merely the beginning.

***

You all had taken turns recounting the last two years worth of events to Eddie as he sat there in silence trying to take it all in. After everything that he had seen, he really had no choice but to believe you guys, glad that you were all on his side. You promised the boy that you would be back with supplies in the morning, swiftly piling back into Steve’s car.

“Hey, you know when we had that really sweet convertible and I had you drive it up that big ass hill so we could use my radio?” Dustin suddenly spoke up.

“Yeah?” Steve responded, not quite sure where the boy was going with this.

“Well, bad news is we’re gonna need to go use it again before we all go home because I have an idea, but good news is that it’s at my house now so that’s cool.”

Steve sighed and you all silently made your way to Dustin’s house. There wasn’t much to talk about. You tiptoed through his kitchen to avoid waking his mother as you all crept up to his bedroom. He started messing with all his radio equipment as you sat on his bed. While he was searching for the right frequency, Steve darted out of the bedroom and into the hall bathroom, opening the cabinet under the sink and rifling through it. He found what he was looking for and quietly slipped back into Dustin’s bedroom.

“Here,” he said as he sat down next to you. You looked at him confused until you saw that he had a first aid kit in his hands. He took out an alcohol wipe and started cleaning up the dried blood on your neck. You hissed when the wipe touched your cut, the alcohol burning as he disinfected it. He put some antibiotic ointment on a band aid and placed it gingerly over the cut. He noticed some of the hickies he had left on your neck the night before, quickly moving your hair to make them more inconspicuous. “There. All better.”

You couldn’t help but flush with how sweet Steve was being. Even if the world was undoubtedly ending, at least you knew that he was going to be there for you. You could tell that he was on edge, probably more so given how Eddie had reacted, and you just appreciated that he wasn’t overreacting…yet.

Suddenly, Dustin’s Cerebro came to life, and you heard the distinctive sound of police chatter over the radio as you were clued into what the Hawkins police department knew of Eddie’s involvement in Chrissy’s death. Unfortunately, though not released to the public yet, Eddie was prime suspect number one.

“Shit!” Dustin exclaimed. “Fuck!”

“Woah, woah, whoa, calm down Dustin. We’re gonna figure all of this out okay? Freaking out isn’t going to make any of this shit easier, so we might as well all stay calm,” your voice was remarkably even as you said it and it was starting to freak the rest of your friends out. Of everyone here, you should by all accounts be the most freaked out.

“Look, I don’t think that we should split up, given everything that’s going on,” Steve spoke. “My parents aren’t home, so how about everyone spends the night at my house? You can all call your parents and make arrangements when we get there.”

Everyone agreed with Steve, and you all made your way out to his car, Dustin leaving a note to let his mom know he would be gone before he left. “Y/n? Are you, like, okay?” Max asked hesitantly. Your mind flashed back to what it felt like to have a knife held up to your throat.

“I’m fine, Max. I promise,” you said, but it didn’t sound very convincing. You were honestly more worried about the kids. You thought about the fact that they were deprived a normal childhood, and you couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. You were the babysitter, you were supposed to be the one to make sure that they were okay and safe and happy.

Steve finally pulled into his driveway, leading everyone inside and showing them around. “You all can sleep wherever. There’s a guest bedroom upstairs or you could sleep in the family room. I don’t care,” he sighed, just ready to go to sleep. Everyone got comfortable, Max and Robin choosing to sleep on the couches and Dustin taking the guest bedroom. You and Steve went to his room and you collapsed onto his bed.

“This can’t be happening again,” you spoke up as exhaustion from the day’s events settled in your bones.

“Yeah, I can’t quite believe it either,” Steve said, flopping down on the bed next to you. “Y/n, you have to promise me something okay?”

“What?”

“That if this all gets to be too much again, we call it quits. We get the kids out, we get Robin out, we get the hell out.”

“Steve,” you looked at him, trying to read his expression, “I can’t make that promise.”

“Y/n, everything has been escalating. First it was just one demogorgon, then it was a fuck ton of demo-dogs, then it was Russians and a giant flesh monster…I don’t know how we can handle anything worse, I mean we barely handled everything last summer!” He exclaimed, shaking his head at you. You could tell he was getting more irate, anger seeping into his tone.

“Steve, we either do nothing and die when the whole fucking world ends, or we do something and maybe die trying, or better yet, we fix the fucking problem and never have to worry about it again,” you replied, sitting up, slightly irritated with his tone. He stood up, looking down at you with a furrowed brow as he continued.

“You’re not understanding, y/n. Look, someone died. Unexplainably, just up and died in the most gruesome fucking way. We don’t know anything about how it happened or why or if it will happen again, and I’ll be damned if it happens to one of us, okay. Just promise me.”

“Steve, I can’t, and you know I can’t.”

Steve scoffed, trying to find the right words. He felt anxiety creep up in his chest as he decided that now was as good a time as any to get really fucking real with you. “Y/n. I want a future with you. We can’t fucking have that if one of us is dead.”

“We can’t have a future if the world fucking ends either. I have a massive fucking headache and I just want to go to bed, okay?” You got up and began changing into pajamas, and you heard Steve sigh behind you. He remembered his pinky promise to you in the woods that you were in this together. If you couldn’t make a promise to him, the best he could do was uphold his.

“Fine. But I’m not gonna be able to live with myself if something happens to you,” he warned as he crawled into bed, scooting towards you to spoon you. It was odd how casually you two could have a conversation like this, about the end of the world and the possibility of losing each other at any given moment.

“Nothing is going to happen to me,” you replied, turning in his arms and placing a kiss to his chest. You willed the words to be true as you drifted off to sleep in his arms.

***

Dustin threw the door open to the boathouse and you rolled your eyes, knowing it would likely scare the shit out of Eddie. You seemed to be right as you heard him shout from across the room, finally making it into the shed to see him pressed up against the back wall, knife extended out in front of him.

“Delivery service,” Dustin smiled at his friend. You waved sheepishly at Eddie, hoping that he could find it in his heart to forgive you guys for nearly giving him a heart attack…twice.

You all moved to stand around the boat as Eddie sat down in it, tearing into a box of cereal and eating it as if he hadn’t had a meal in days…which to be fair he probably hadn’t.

“So we have some good news and some bad news. How do you prefer it?” Dustin cut to the chase.

“Bad news first, always,” Eddie spoke through a mouthful of food. Your nose scrunched up in disgust as you scanned the room, noticing similar expressions painted on Robin and Max’s faces.

“We tapped into the Hawkins PD dispatch with Dustin’s Cerebro, and they’re definitely looking for you,” you quickly spoke up as you gave the boy a sympathetic look.

“Also, they’re uh, pretty convinced you killed Chrissy,” Dustin chimed in.

“Like, 100% kind of convinced,” Max agreed. You rolled your eyes. So much for breaking the news softly.

“And the good news?”

“Your name hasn’t gone public yet. But if we found out about you, it’s only a matter of time before others do too, and once that gets out, everyone and their shallow-minded mother will be gunning for you,” Robin spoke up.

“Hunt the freak, right?” Eddie clarified, his eyes staring off, unfocused.

“Exactly,” Robin breathed out.

“So before that happens, we need to find Vecna, kill him, and prove your innocence,” Dustin outlined.

“That’s all, Dustin? That’s all?” Eddie fumed. Sure he loved the Henderson kid, but the boy got on his damn nerves like all the time, and this was one of those moments.

“Believe it or not, we’ve been through this kind of thing before…a few times actually,” you reassured Eddie, hoping that your words would calm his nerves but that was definitely a bit of a stretch.

“You’re telling me that you, Ms. 4.0, have been off fighting monsters while maintaining a perfect GPA?” Eddie asked in disbelief. “Bullshit.”

“I know, it’s pretty impressive,” Steve spoke up, throwing an arm around you, “we usually rely on this girl with super powers but, uh, those went bye-bye.”

“So we’re kind of in more of the brainstorming phase,” Robin spoke up and you all nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, you really have nothing to worry about,” Dustin reassured Eddie, but all of you knew that that was far from the truth. There was definitely a shit ton of stuff to worry about. Before Eddie could ask anymore questions, you all heard sirens wailing in the distance. He quickly covered up with the tarp as you all ran to the window, watching as several emergency vehicles passed right by Reefer Rick’s house.

A sinking feeling settled in your stomach as you concluded that there must be another body. You all raced to Steve’s car again, following the waling sound of sirens, afraid of what you’d find.

***

a/n: thanks for reading people of tumblr! If you wanted to reblog, I promise I wouldn’t be mad ;)

taglist:

@season4steve @sassyheroneckgiant @tangledinthegreatxscape @maeve-wileyy @palachannie @chaerfull @usaguisenpaisblog @emilieluckwood @sabrinadelreyy @mochminnie @xprloki @kitdjarin1 @kissmxcheek @daemonskitty @bethsvrse @aheadfullofsteverogers

[whatevermakesyoubreak]

🔪❤️‍🔥 a few (lot) of my personal illumi sfw/nsfw headcanons:

> these are strictly regarding my illumi x oc [ft. hisoka and chrollo] fic, sic infit, (which is essentially succession ft. the zoldyck’s & a bit of a romcom starring illumi), so yes— some of these will be ooc & a few of them include lira so if u don’t like her, keep scrolling idk.

- actually has the most unhinged sense of humor. sassy as FUCK but it’s hard to tell because he speaks as if he’s being completely serious. he finds a lot of things funny— especially things he shouldn’t— but just doesn’t express it unless he absolutely cannot keep a straight face anymore. (we all remember his goddamn sea lion laughing face, right?)

- is actually quite dense when it comes to anything besides assassination. not at all stupid, just… dense.

- however, illumi is a man with a plan if nothing else. he rarely if ever will go into a situation with no preparation, research, etc.

- he likes movies! all genres too— anything from thrillers, comedy, art house, classics, horror, romantic comedies, dramas, foreign films, etc— he likes them all, but only if they meet his standards. (i.e, he hates slasher films because he finds them unrealistic, some films are too artsy for him, and he has trouble understanding some romantic dramas). his favorite series is the Hellraiser series— he took lots of inspiration from Pinhead. (the movie him and Lira were watching in chapter 2 was Requiem For A Dream!)

- this motherfucker has a DIRTY mouth. i firmly believe that he cannot form a single thought without there being some form of profanity involved. however, he doesn’t express this unless he feels comfortable around someone, i.e, Lira, Hisoka, his family. he’s a master of code switching when around upper-class people, but goddamn— Kikyo should’ve been washing his mouth out with soap instead of stringing him up tbh.

- that dirty mouth of his carries over to… other areas as well. says the FOULEST, FILTHIEST and NASTIEST things during sex & you wouldn’t expect it at ALL.

- hair pulling and boobs. that is all.

- switch. enough said.

- speaking of sex, he’s hung like a fucking horse & knows it.

- also, that stoic, inexpressive & unemotional exterior of his? yeah, that shatters like glass the second this man gets horny. like he fully gets stuuupid cock/pussydrunk. he can’t even think properly anymore. he’s feral— slurring his words, drooling, begging— you name it, all while saying the filthiest shit. once he’s there, he’s there. y’all don’t wanna hear me you just wanna dance, but he’s a mess. he’s so repressed otherwise there’s no alternative than but to be the epitome of actual depravity.

- when he subs, he is a big baby, whiny, brat boy who wants to be used, bullied, and to also be told how pretty he is. he wants it messy too— as filthy and depraved as possible. he’s a fucking perv lowkey.

- when he doms, he doms— but not in your average ways— he definitely likes manhandling his partner as well as when there’s a considerable size difference (like Lira’s short ass lmao), because he likes the literal primal feeling of control it gives him.

- contrary to popular belief, i think he’d enjoy a bit of attitude as well from his partner— just so he could condescend the fuck out of them— of course. “what happened to, ‘more Illu,’ and, ‘please, Illu?’ I thought you wanted me like this...” could be considered a brat tamer?? maybe??

- as i said, he’s a huge dirty talker, but he’s more patronizing and condescending than outright derogatory. he’s also surprisingly good with giving praise, but if HE’S getting praised? gg’s goodnight & goodbye— that man is now officially whipped.

- he has an oral fixation & is an absolute MUNCH/THROAT GOAT. and he’s sloppppyyyyy with it too omg. (this is literally canon, cuz why tf was he licking those needles???)

- simultaneously has a breeding kink and is TERRIFIED to knock someone up before marriage. oh, illumi.

- a true bisexual, and has no preference. it truly depends on the person for him.

- mommy issues & daddy issues. like… bad. like… the enmeshment and parentification are real with this one.

- genuinely hates his father but can’t admit it to himself. he won’t even allow himself to think that way. it would literally make his brain explode from the cognitive dissonance.

- fairly indifferent towards his mother, but subconsciously latches on to any sort of nurturing/female care he can get due to never receiving it as a child. this shows heavily in the speed of development with his relationship with Lira.

- even though he does not like his father, he appreciates how his father and mother’s relationship functions. he ultimately respects women— perhaps to the point of putting them on a pedestal.

- i think he’s actually a bit of a romantic in the way he wants to do everything regarding his partner(s), especially with how badly he wants children and a family of his own— it’s just very very verrrryyyyy repressed & tainted with darkness and possession. but, once he loves, he loves for life. in his own illumi way, of course.

- he’s a heavy drinker. he’s not an alcoholic, but he definitely drinks more than he should, especially after jobs. prefers scotch on the rocks to anything else, but absolutely will not turn down a fruity/sweet drink either. someone please give this man a pina colada.

- drunk illumi is a menace to society, and he has to consume quite a bit of liquor in order to get there— hence why it rarely happens— but once he’s inebriated, that man is the most unfiltered and clingy bastard there is. there is nothing keeping him from speaking his mind at this point and it’s either offensive or hilarious depending on who u are.

- eats like an amusement park raccoon when he’s away from home. literally no idea how he’s so strong when his diet is 80% sugar, 10% booze, and 10% grease.

- doesn’t actually spend that much time on his hair. uses very high-quality products, but otherwise, he’s just genetically blessed. he can let that shit air dry.

- he DOES care about his hair though— when Lira singed the ends, he was PISSED. he also cares a lot about the rest of his appearance. he likes being called pretty— why wouldn’t he keep up with his looks?

- he likes when she braids his hair. sometimes they wear matching twin french or dutch braids while training. Kalluto is lowkey jealous because his hair is too short to join in.

- he has a skill for applying makeup & wigs on himself and others. before he mastered his abilities, he used to disguise himself the old fashioned way.

- he secretly really wants to dress Lira up like his own personal doll, i.e, do her makeup, hair, pick her outfit, etc. not for any weird control reasons, but genuinely because he thinks she’d be cute. he values his life too much to ever tell her this.

- illumi is actually not the best at hand-to-hand combat. he’s an assassin, not a fighter. his job is to kill, not win. by no means is he unskilled, but when compared to others who ARE masterful close quarters combatants, i.e, Lira, he is only above average. (only ‘above average’ like that’s supposed to be bad lmao)

- has an eidetic memory & pretends to forget things in order to catch people in lies.

- is actually not as socially inept or awkward as he comes off. he’s had to do his fair share of seduction and deception in his line of work, so he knows how to charm people to an extent if he really wants to.

- however… his version of flirting with someone he actually likes is staring at them very hard from across a room. he thinks this is him being obvious btw.

- he likes to watch the clouds in his spare time. literally for no reason. he just finds it relaxing. he also likes the sun, contrary to his appearance.

- he does a lot of things for no reason, tbh. he feels rather lost without having someone to assassinate, due to any drastic sort of individuality being discouraged during his upbringing and never really having developed a hobby, so besides stalking Killua, occasionally entertaining Hisoka, and before he met Lira, he tended to do random things in his spare time on a whim.

- he doesn’t like the ocean, snow, or rain, particularly because he hates being cold and wet at the same time. kind of like a cat. has heated bathroom floors for this reason.

- he doesn’t kill for pleasure. he lacks the sadistic tendencies that people like Hisoka, Lira, & Kalluto have. he simply kills because it’s his job, he likes money, & he sees it as his duty as a Zoldyck.

- he is actually a lot more rational and compassionate than he lets on. compassionate may be the wrong word— he just tries to give his targets quick deaths and doesn’t prefer to see anyone suffer unless they’ve angered him. he also won’t kill anyone if he deems it pointless or isn’t getting paid.

- however— he will do anything, and i mean ANYTHING to get what he wants. very machiavellian in nature when he’s focused.

- he doesn’t consider Lira or Hisoka to be distractions even though they quite literally are. he’s a hypocrite, but we all love him for it.

- his love language is gift giving. he will buy someone he cares about anything they look at for more than two seconds.

- he also values quality time. he will follow Lira around like a cat just saying and doing nothing, only wanting to be around her.

- he wants to get married. like, actually married, not just killing-contract married.

- he also wants children. plural.

- scorpio sun, capricorn rising, cancer moon. (ooooh that moon/rising opposition SHOWS)

- can be somewhat traditional when it comes to gender roles, which is rather ironic given his choice in partner(s). he believes it’s the man’s job to protect and provide, and has no issue doing so, even if it’s done in the most deranged ways.

- he cannot remember the majority of his childhood, only bits here and there.

- ptsd? more like P! T! S! D!

- he likes people that can get under his skin. he enjoys banter.

- notices everything, and i mean EVERYTHING. he is extremely observant, but quietly and carefully holds on to the information/patterns he sees— just in case he needs to use that information against someone.

- he has EXPENSIVE taste— forget designer, i’m talking custom made couture and shit like that. designer to him is like loungewear.

- he actually prefers dogs to cats. he wouldn’t be opposed to having a smaller dog of his own one day, but can’t currently because Mike would eat it. he doesn’t hate cats, however, he just doesn’t like how they all seem to want to play with his hair.

- actually, i think he rather likes all animals. not in a Lira-esque “i love animals because it’s fun to imagine what they’d look like with no skin,” type of way, but actually likes them.

- while he likes most animals, he has an irrational hatred of birds. literally zero reason for this. maybe jealousy?

- he values usefulness and patience in his partners and also finds their homicidal tendencies exasperating, especially Lira’s. he does not want a weak partner, nor a victim.

- when it comes to his relationships, he is very very possessive, to the point where it should be scary. however, Lira is also insane and just finds it sweet.

- while obsessive and possessive, he has absolutely no interest in abusing his partner in any way. the thought itself disgusts him. he didn’t see his father do that to his mother outside of training, so why would he ever do that to his own partner?

- when it comes to his partner, he wants to see them happy and safe, not insecure and miserable. like, he saw Lira get insecure ONE time and almost self-destructed and proceeded to basically glitch in order to change her mood.

- he would rather be alone than with someone who didn’t meet his standards.

- he’s either really good at communication or really fucking bad. no in-between.

- he’s not a big cuddler— he’s the type to just lay his entire body weight on top of someone— but just because it feels nice to him. he doesn’t really care if he’s smothering the other person— if he chose them, they should be strong enough for him, right? he does make an exception occasionally and allows Lira to hold him, but that’s typically for access to her boobs… so. he prefers having her sit in his lap, or alternatively, sitting in Hisoka’s lap himself.

- his hair moves on its own a lot— not only when he’s angry, but also whenever he’s feeling anything intense, i.e. lust, euphoria, etc. it can range from the way it whips around when he’s bloodlusted to just stirring as if he’s standing in a gentle breeze.

- hates wearing shirts at home. he’s in expensive lounge pants and nothing else— maybe a tank top and crewneck sweatshirt if he absolutely has to— but other than that? shirtless lumi always.

[lovingperfectionsblog]

Till Death.

Carlos Sainz Jr x Driver!Reader

Summary: Unexpected medical leave is forced upon you and you’re no longer allowed to race, and you’re pissed about it. 

Warnings: Unexpected pregnancy, accident, angst, language, fighting, mentions of (unprotected) sex, situationship type relationship, mentions of death.

Word Count: 2586 

Authors note: Sorry for this one everybody  I wish the ending was a bit better, but here we go. Enjoy quali everyone and I hope y’all enjoy <3 

_____ 

“Could we keep this to ourselves for now, please?” You hated this. You hated that you’d been stupid and not used protection one fucking time, and you’d hated that you were begging a doctor to not put you on mandated medical leave and most importantly you hated that you’d fallen for your biggest rival in F1. 

It’s not that your rivalry was ugly, honestly, it was probably the best one on the grid, starting out a little nasty until you two had grown to be best friends in front of the entire F1 world’s eyes and then secretly turned lovers. You’d both said it had just been for fun, that it didn’t mean anything, but to you it did, and you were happy with the little arrangement, rivals, friends, lovers, and now, pregnant. 

Fuck. 

“Listen, this is going to be dangerous for both you and the baby, I cannot in good conscious as your doctor approve of you getting in that car to race tomorrow” you hated how she was looking at you right now. You’d come in because you felt a little sluggish, your boss wanting to make sure all was okay as you fought for second place in the championship, nearly at equal points with Carlos, but close to 2 hours later, you were now hearing your worst case scenario, “I think you’re done for the year, just until the kids born, if you choose to keep it.” 

“One more race, give me that, please, don’t tell anyone, not yet, just let me get through tomorrow, I’ll come to you first thing for a check-up after the race, just let me say goodbye” Both of you knew this was unchartered territory for F1, and both of you knew that the backlash was going to astronomical, especially considering who the father was. 

“Jesus, this is going to get me fired, but, one race, you see me straight after, try not go too fast, no accidents obviously, please, and as soon as your race is done, I’m talking to your boss” it was fair, you knew you were asking her for a lot in terms of her career and you couldn’t be more thankful that she just understood, and she was being fair. You knew it was more than you could actually ask for, “you also have to tell Carlos” 

“How did you know it –“ The look she swung your way was enough to shut up that train of thought, “after the race, I promise, he won’t let me race otherwise, after the race.” The nod you received was confirmation enough that she’d keep your secret, just until the end of the race, you’d have until the end of the race to decide what you were going to do, to build up the courage to walk away from your dream and to tell your best friend you loved him and were having his kid.

______ 

“Red flag, red flag, slow down” Carlos knew something weird was going to happen during this race, his father always told him to trust his gut and something about this race felt wrong. 

“Is everyone okay?” Carlos immediately asked, although his race engineer knew he was really asking if you were okay. 

“Crash between Yuki and Y/n, he seems okay, she hit the wall, doctor immediately called for an ambulance, so we aren’t sure what’s going on.” Carlos felt his blood going cold as he heard that it was you. 

“Why are they bringing out the ambulance so quickly?” Carlos tried to keep his voice steady, he knew everyone knew you guys were a thing, but no one, not even you, knew the extent that he had cared for you, praying every weekend that this would be the weekend he was brave enough to do something about your relationship. To officially make you his. Although, so far he had never been brave enough. 

“Will let you know as soon as I find out, she seems like she’s fine though, as far as anyone knows, will find out more from McLaren now” his engineer really was trying his best to find out what was going on, witnessing the panic Carlos was trying so hard to keep at bay. 

“Keep me updated” Carlos had never been so happy to see the safety car, knowing they were about to be lead into the pits, where he could find out more on your condition. 

_____ 

“Doc, why’s the ambulance being sent out?” Andreas was as confused as everyone else, with little to no information, the doctor had ordered the ambulance out, a call not normally made this soon.

“We need to make sure she’s stabilized and get her an ultrasound asap” she stood next to your team principle, waiting for the paramedics to bring you in, waiting for the moment she would have to tell your secret. 

“You think she’s going to need it?” Andreas didn’t want to question the doctor, but he just needed to know what was going on with his driver.

“It’s to check that the baby is okay” she could literally feel the air shift the second those words left her mouth.

“You knew she was pregnant? And she was okay to race? Jesus, what happens now?” This wasn’t what Andreas needed half way through this season, but it’s where he was and he knew he’d have to drop you as a driver for the rest of the year. 

“Medical leave, this was her last race, well, provided the kid is okay,” and with that the ambulance rolled in and she was off, leaving Andreas to figure out the mess, “I’ll keep you updated” was the last thing she shouted towards Andreas before she was fully engrossed with the paramedics.

____ 

As soon as Carlos had gotten out of his car at the end of the race, along with all the other drivers, he was making his way to your garage, hoping to find out exactly what was going on with you.

“You can’t be here Carlos!” Andreas shouted towards the driver, half joking, half serious, as he spoke to Lando about the season going forward, yet the drop the bombshell of his teammate dropping out of the championship.

“Just coming to check in on Y/n sir” he laughed as he came up next to the other two, confident that you were okay, considering the relaxed demeanour in the garage. 

“You have done enough with my driver thank you very much, now stay away from my other one before you take him out of the championship too” he laughed, assuming Carlos knew that you were pregnant.

“What? What do you mean I took her out of the championship? Yuki was the one that crashed into her?” Carlos suddenly became panicked, terrified that he hadn’t read the room correctly and that crash was significantly worse than anyone was letting on. 

“Yeah, but he isn’t the one who couldn’t keep it in his pants and got her pregnant” Carlos registered Andreas laughing, and he knew Lando was looking at him wide eyed with an even wider smile, vaguely registering that he was being spoken to, but all he heard was a ringing in his ears and faint, he felt faint. He was going to faint. 

Before he could really register much else he was making his was to the medical bay, completely ignoring every single person he was moving past, as soon as he got that medical bay, he might just need them to make sure he wasn’t going to faint. 

______ 

He barrelled into the medical wing to see you lying on a bed, doctor next to you, both eyes landing on him as he stood there panting, “your pregnant?” 

“I think I should go.” The doctor immediately made her way out the room, closing the doors behind her to give you two some privacy. 

“So, I take that as a yes, you’re pregnant?” he was nervous to approach you, terrified you were about to tell him that the baby hadn’t survived the crash, the small nod you sent his was confirming you were, “the crash?” 

“Survived, it’s okay still kicking around in there, the cars are designed quite well” you tried to make light of the situation, already sensing that this may turn into a fight. 

“Did the doctor just tell you? Oh my god, I can’t believe I wasn’t here with you when you found out, oh my god, I’m gonna be a dad.” he was still too nervous to get near you, still trying to put all the pieces together, suddenly noting your silence and avoiding his eyes, “She just told you right?” 

Silence. 

“Did you get in that car knowing you were pregnant?” he suddenly felt faint again, there was no way you’d put yourself and your child, his child, in that car. 

Silence.

Next minute a medical tray with all your documentation was flung against the wall, an outburst of anger you’d never expected from Carlos ever. 

“MY CHILD!” his breath was ragged, there was an unmistakable tear in his eye, and what you can only assume was hatred, “MY FUCKING CHILD! YOU WILLINGLY PUT YOU, THE WOMAN I AM IN LOVE WITH, AND MY FUCKING CHILD IN DANGER!” 

“Carlos, please-“ 

“When did you find out?” 

“Yesterday.” Now was the moment you’d have to come clean. You hated that this was how he had found out. You’d obviously never intended on any of this happening, but here you were, standing in front of the father of your child, as he finds out that firstly, the kid exists, and secondly, that you’d nearly killed it before it even had a moment to exist, before Carlos even had a moment to be excited about being a dad. 

“And you got in the car anyway?” Carlos was crouching on the floor now, head in his hands, this was not how he wanted any of this to ever go, none of it. 

“Yes, I got in the car because it’s my job Carlos.” Suddenly you felt angry, he had absolutely no right to dictate what you could do, child or not. 

“No! No, your job right now it to make sure you are safe at all times! I am not about to lose you! Not you and not my child!” Next second you were off the bed, Carlos standing up making his way towards you, both of you toe to toe at this point, the argument only gearing up. 

“YOU DO NOT GET TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO! WE’RE NOT EVEN DATING CARLOS!” The stress was probably not good for any of you, especially not your child, but there was no way you were backing down here.

You were right, he wasn’t even dating you, he was essentially just fucking his best friend, because he was a coward and couldn’t do anything about it and now, you were carrying his child and he was a fucking coward who had no goddamn power in this situation. 

“I’ve been wanting to date you, you have to know how I feel about you, but this, Jesus fuck, this! I want nothing more than to marry you and have a family with you and yeah, the order is a little messed up and I so badly want to be happy right now and Lord knows I fucking am that the woman I am in love with is having my child, but you made a choice that I’m not sure I’m going to be able to forgive you for any time soon.” Carlos felt like the happiest and angriest person on the planet, he didn’t know what to do or say and he was sure everything he was saying was wrong, but it was time he was fucking honest with you. 

“Fuck you Carlos! You can’t forgive me? Well, what about me? What about what you did to me? I am pregnant Carlos, that means I’m out, I’m not allowed to drive, I physically can’t and then I’ve got to stay with the baby, this is my entire career! Every single fucking thing I have ever fought for, for my entire life, IS GONE! And then when everyone finds out it’s your fucking kid? Well then, you’re the hottie you got some, but I’M THE GIRL who’s a SLUT and fucked her way to where she is and trapped another driver to stay with her because clearly I’m not good enough to stay in F1? Do you get that! You lose nothing Carlos, I lose everything, so don’t you dare try to take away my choices too, not you. Everyone is about to take away most of them anyway, I can’t have you taking them away too.” Fuck these pregnancy hormones and fuck the fact that you were crying, but you couldn’t help it and you couldn’t help the fact that the second Carlos wrapped his arms around you, whispering every right thing to you, along with a litany of apologies, you crumbled, and you sobbed and you hated that this is what it had all become. 

“Do you want to keep it?” This was the last thing you’d expected Carlos to ask, “because you’re right, this affects you more than me, and I have been a coward and I just should have asked you to be mine ages ago and that still stands, I want you to be my girl, but right now, this affects you and I will go along with everything and anything you want, no questions asked, what do you want?” and as he waited for your response, you felt a million kisses being placed in your hair as your face was tucked into the crook of his neck. 

“I kind of hate myself for this, but I do want it, I want this baby and I want you, but I want to come back to my career too.” There was no room to hide how you truly felt, not now, all cards on the table and full vulnerability, “It’s just unfair, that’s it, but I’ll get over it.”

“Okay, it’s decided, you’re my girl and I am yours, wholeheartedly, you’re not racing anymore, end of discussion, because that is what’s safest, and I will quit, or make a plan, or whatever, but if you aren’t racing because you’re pregnant, then so am I.” Carlos always knew he would be faced with important defining moments in his life, everyone had to face them, but he didn’t realize how quickly they came and he didn’t realize how easy the choice was going to be to make, like he just knew, like he just had to trust his gut, and his gut was screaming at him to do this, to make you happy, to keep you safe, he’d changed every life goal in a second without a doubt in his mind. This was it. 

“You can’t give up-“ he’d kissed you before you could even finish the sentence, he wished he could make you understand but he knew this was going to take a lot of time, for both of you, for him to forgive you, for you to come to terms with a of this, all of it, for you both to come up with plans for the future. He needed to let you know that he was just as scared as you clearly were, but he was in it, with you. Till death.

“Honestly, I am giving up so little so I can get so fucking much.”

 _____

Taglist:

ricsaigaslec

amulhermaisfelizdomundo

miniminescapist

0-atmilk-latte

d0ntjudgemy50shades

[sluttyhollow]

I don’t write for UA students but Bakugo and me are the same person and we’d be best friends if I was at UA 😂. I was listening to Bakugo by KVMIL and it just had me thinking about Bakugo x black american bestfriend reader (this has been sitting in my drafts forever lol might as well let it go)

No warnings, just two foreign besties with bad attitudes and terrible language (purely platonic)

Katsuki definitely speaks English, he’s a rich kid, and his parents traveled to the states a lot for work and they used to takes him in the summer. He just refuses to speak English because he thinks it sounds stupid.

The back and forth trips are how he ended up meeting you in the first place the summer between first and second grade. Your parents were working on a collaborative design line focusing on mixing Japanese and African American street fashion styles

Neither of you liked each other. He was loud and you thought his red eyes were creepy. He thought you were a loser and hated the noise your hair made when you walked (it was the beads, he thinks they look “cool or whatever” now though) you guys actually ended up fighting, Mitsuki thought it was funny because Katsuki lost (he started it) she bought you ice cream for winning.

After that day you guys came to an agreement to not speak to each other but by day 3 of vacation you were sharing games and sending each other colored screens on your DSIs. You guys did argue everyday of that summer though, and every day of every summer you spent together until middle school when he started staying in Japan to train.

Fast forward to high school and you still text each other. He’s at UA and you’re at a well known hero school in the states. Both of you are loud mouths with quirks worthy of helping saving lives (yours a quirk reversal/theft quirk that allowed you to reverse a persons quirk or utilize their abilities for a certain amount of time, like toga and all for one mixed).

Let’s just say your school has a sports festival similar to UAs that’s also televised and streamed nationally and internationally which prompts Miruko to want you intern abroad with her. Of course you accept and your school works with UA to get you into a transfer program thus starting your 1 year stent at UA. Now for fun’s sake you didn’t tell Katsuki you were coming to UA so imagine his surprise when all the rest of 1A is talking about some American transfer student and he walks into the common room and sees you sitting there.

“What. What the fuck are you doing here you fucking loser” the rest of 1A is shook, they know he’s an ass but they didn’t think he’d just be mean to new student. Just when they get ready to intervene you respond to him with a “you know you’re happy to see me fucker it’s been like 3 years” and the rest of the class is just like wtf is going on here. Y’all of course explain that you knew each other and that you’re besties. Deku being the only one not surprised considering you’d met him once before.

From then on you too go back into your old ways from childhood but with added addition of training. When you’re not busy with Miruko and him with Jeanist y’all go back to the Bakugo house and eat dinner with Mitsuki and Masaru.

You make him apologize to deku (long before canon) when he tells you what happened during middle school and how the first half of the semester had been. You beat his ass and told him to get over himself (he knew you were right).

You and Deku going feral when he gets hurt, LOV attacks and the three of you have to be put on house arrest by Iida cause y’all get too emotional over one another

Forcing him to class 1A gatherings. Neither of you wanna go but Mina saw you two getting ready to disappear after dinner and dragged y’all to movie night

Katsuki likes American food. Spice levels are just a little higher, flavors are a little more intense than typical Japanese food. You can cook a little bit and help him make American style dinners for everybody sometimes

People think you guys are partners cause of how relaxed you two are around each other but he’s like your brother and you would kiss m*neta before Katsuki

Yeah just two foreign besties (your American friends thought you were lying about your best friend living in Japan all through middle school, they didn’t realize you were serious until you moved and FaceTimed them with Katsuki in the camera)

[prodigal-explorer]

every time i see a post about how “poor basil was bullied by aubrey” it makes me so mad.

like, aubrey is the real victim here.

i don’t agree with everything she did but she’s not a bully whatsoever.

aubrey isn’t thoughtlessly mean, she doesn’t enjoy hurting people!

she just wants to be left alone and basil won’t accept that even though he ruined her life and abandoned her when she needed a friend most.

and she literally SAW mari’s face crossed out with black. i know basil didn’t do it but in aubrey’s situation and state of mind it made perfect sense to assume. it looked like basil was trying to erase the memory of the only person in the world who GOT her and loved her in a girlhood way.

if y’all seriously think aubrey is a cruel bully then you don’t get her.

either that or youre a hypocrite and you hate women.

aubrey is so much more than the caricature that the town made her out to be, she’s a little girl in pain

she lost the only person in the whole world who truly and fully understood her

and while everybody else had a support system like parents or caregivers or even just friends, aubrey was ALL. ALONE.

of course she turned to people who she knew wouldn’t abandon her! of course she did whatever she could to keep herself safe and sane! she’s learned by now that nobody on earth is gonna do it for her, not even the people she considered friends.

and she literally GROVELS to basil after the fact. she feels SO GUILTY. y’all constantly love to rant and rave about how “oh basil did bad things but it’s okay because he was just a kid and he feels really guilty about it.” AUBREY IS JUST A KID. SHE FEELS GUILTY ABOUT IT. where’s that energy, motherfuckers? oh wait. she’s a girl. so she won’t get any sympathy from you fucking nasties.

tl;dr: aubrey didn’t do anymore wrong than basil did (in fact she did WAY less wrong) so i don’t get why she gets scrutinized so much while basil gets off scott free. oh wait i do know. cuz basil is a fucking boy and aubrey is a girl. stupid ass fandom.

[rilu-artblog]

You ever see a take so bad about that it makes you want to actually post something?

Anyways Gerald and Sheila do love each other, they just happen to be characters in a long running dark comedy cable tv show so of course their relationship is gonna appear whack sometimes

Warning for discussion of characters fictional sex life below, no photos but I just wanna make sure y’all know what you’re in for:

1. “They’re not sexually attracted to each other anymore”

Bro what show are you watching??

These two have literally never cheated on the other (both of the Cartman’s dad episodes imply that they both slept with Liane so maybe they did have a threesome) and Gerald not getting an erection that one ep is because.

He’s an older guy. Not because he’s not attracted to his wife anymore. In fact it’s probably why they do their UPS role plays and why Sheila is ok with Gerald watching porn, it shows how healthy their sex life is. Like, Sheila straight up had sex with Chef and was just outside the room like how was it honey :)

We clearly see them having sex with each other many times, but I’ve seen some arguments say that because their room is dark when they have sex, it clearly means Gerald doesn’t want to see Sheila and hates having sex with her? I’m sure many couples have sex in low lighting, but in-universe they probably turn off the lights so that their kids don’t come into the room (which clearly never works lol). Or out of universe, the network won’t allow them to show a full sex scene on cable tv (considering they also don’t allow them to show full frontal nudity except for the movie and streaming eps).

Anyways, tldr: the Broflovski’s love having sex with each other probably to the detriment of their sons lol.

2. However, I can get why some people don’t see them as emotionally loving each other. We see lots of moments where Gerald is scared of Sheila and Sheila can get really pissed off with him.

And of course, a lot of these moments come from Gerald, as while he’s not wrong sometimes that Sheila can be meddlesome, he does hide a lot of his shit from her because he’s afraid of being (rightfully) punished. Especially in season 20, we do see Sheila miss him and try to be open with him, Gerald doesn’t reciprocate not because he doesn’t love her but because he’s focused on his trolling.

We can either assume their relationship is always like this outside of season 20, where Sheila is putting in more effort than Gerald, or assume that this is just a special circumstance and Gerald is a bit more attentive outside of this season (which I think the show kinda implies? Idk might just be me lol).

3. So are these two an unhealthy relationship? Mmm depends, in the real world obviously yeah. But in the context of South Park the show, not at all.

Whenever people go “oh minor character’s parents are the healthiest/best parents on the show and have the best relationship” it’s like…well yeah duh, we don’t know anything about them.

As parents of the main characters, they are hands down the most loving. They’re not shown fighting with each other or cheating on each other (the hot tub incident is iffy but I think Gerald is just stupid when it comes to friendships lol). They definitely have their flaws, but never in a way where it feels like Sheila is parenting her husband, she rightfully calls him out.

It might seem like a low bar but again, considering the show, the two of them treat each other kinda ok. Season 20 really soured their relationship for a lot of fans, which is expected, but I think for current fans who’ve gone through the 3 almost divorces of Randy/Sharon, any marriage that doesn’t rely on “god I hate my nagging wife” jokes is a relief.

TLDR: You can like or hate characters for literally any reason, people can depict them any way they want, I just got really annoyed for no reason lol

[chidoroki]

182 Days of TPN - Day 98

Chapter 98: “Starting Sound”

I like how the first couple pages fake us out by thinking the enemy is about to attack Emma & everyone else when they actually end up raiding an dummy shelter. Very thankful to James for setting up so many empty ones because this keeps Peter’s men occupied for almost two years trying to find the right one.

Y’all know you can sleep in a bit longer since you’re not bound by the GF schedule anymore, right?? Old habits die hard I guess.

Props to Ray, Pepe and whomever else normally helps in the kitchen because that is definitely a lot of mouths to feed all at one time. Also love how intermingled the tables are between GF & GP children, like it doesn’t matter where they came from, they’re all one big family.

I adore seeing them adjust to the shelter life and all the different tasks the kids take on. I’m mighty fond of seeing Oliver wear the shelter jacket & turtleneck as well! Wish we got to see that look on him more often, same with Nigel without his usual hat. But there’s no way Paula could still be recovering a month and a half later! Hell, she’s shown sitting at the tables during breakfast just fine! Ahh whatever, still cute that Zack continues to check up on her. GP trio owns a special place in my heart.

With Dominic learning how to hunt from Yuugo, I guess it isn’t totally farfetched that season two had him pick up archery so quickly. I do remember that Rossi learns morse code eventually, but I was unaware he tries to learn some medical stuff alongside Theo? At least, I’m assuming that’s what going on considering Anna & Zack are there too.

Ah.. back during ch92 I wondered why the GF kids never picked up on Adam reciting Norman’s number when they returned to the shelter, but I guess the big guy just switched it up and started repeating Emma’s ID nonstop instead. Makes sense as to why Violet seems a bit confused about it, not because she doesn’t remember Emma’s number but if that’s the same number Adam was saying the whole time back at GP.

I haven’t looked for fics in a hot minute, but I remember there were always tons about RE in the shelter library and not enough (or any) about the secret room and I gotta wonder why. Clearly they’re down below often enough during the past seven days if that GV kid knows where they are.

Well, Sonya’s correct about the first part since it’s revealed earlier this chapter that Peter killed off a handful of supporters back in 2031. Also, love how one of the tiny, surprised faces kinda looks like the drawing Shirai typical uses.

Still a more complex way to locate the secret room than how season two had it be “hidden” behind a simple, very noticable door labeled “pen.”

I despise this man so damn much.. absolutely hate him and his stupid fingers tapping away endlessly. I still dunno if this is just a random thing he does or if it’s actually morse. Can’t confirm it with season two either since the anime did one thing right and cut him out.

Speaking of morse code, I love how Emma quickly hands the phone over to Ray once she recognizes it. Sure she’s skilled enough to decipher it, but hearing morse is much different than seeing it, and there’s no way she wants to miss a single detail after waiting a whole week to hear back from the supporters, so she tosses the phone to Ray since she believes he will catch everything more efficiently than she could. And he does.

Now, I may be a total idiot, but for the life of me, I can’t remember who this hooded person might be? With it currently being March 2046, it can’t be James since he died sometime around September 2031 (if ch73 is anything to go by) and it ain’t Norman since he’s still trapped at Lambda until 2047. Perhaps Peter missed a supporter hiding amongst the Ratri clan and this is some random person but I dunno. Oh, unless this is just Smee..? I mean, the cloak he’s wearing is pretty much the same one Norman uses later on, so he could easily acquire it when they’re both at Lambda. That could be it. Hopefully.

Favorite panel/moment:

I HAVE DEARLY MISSED MY BOY CHRIS!! (& yes I noticed Gillian’s tiny head pat to Thoma. See! I knew they would get along well!)

[seeminglyseph]

My mom was talking about my sister feeling self conscious about her body, and like. I think part of it is she has for some reason a lot of oddly petite friends. Like. For some reason they’re all really short and she’s been friends with them since they were kids and some of them have that like. Unusually skinny body type that like… look some people don’t gain body fat I’m not shaming but those of us who do gain body fat do get shamed all the time constantly so like. Extremely skinny people for some reason get set at the status quo when they like. Really really aren’t. And that’s mostly the weird part honestly. And the fact that like y’all bodies work so fundamentally different than mine that it’s like. A little mystifying sometimes.

My mother is one of these people honestly and it I think causes serious conflict. Because like. She is literally 110lbs. Like. The last time I was 110lbs I was like. A teenager with an eating disorder. Like. It was a fucking bad situation. My mom is in her 60s. I’ve weighed more than her since I was a teenager. And I am a few inches shorter than her. My sister’s like half a foot taller than me, and like. I guess thick fit? Though more on the fit than the thick? And generally just kinda average slightly curvy human woman? But also I always considered her like. The hot one? Not in the weird way but like. How in Daria there’s the weird introvert sibling and cool hot sibling. There’s always the nerd sibling and the hot sibling in sitcoms and I was a latchkey kid raised on TV. I think my sister is objectively an attractive woman who men should be proud to date?

But I also think while I have a shitton of body image issues that I definitely got from my mom being. Fucking weird about my body. I wonder if my mom being absurdly tiny and like. Worrying about it so much, and doing things like “wear the spanx it will make you look less fat” and whatever. Like. I don’t know how much of that stuff she did specifically to my sister because my sister was never as much of a “problem” as I was. It always seemed to me like she was the one doing everything right. But even if she wasn’t the one getting criticized, watching me get dragged over the coals could’ve just given her a complex about like. “I never want to be in that position”

It’s hard being a dumb broken shithead trying to be empathetic because it’s like. “I want to be open and understanding with my family” and then I do that and then like. In two months I’ll be vulnerable and it’ll blow up in my face because like half my family is absolutely garbage at emotions.

Also I may have accidentally implied to my mother that I think my sister is a dom and should try to find a nice sub to settle down with, instead of these alpha males she keeps trying to date. Because I think kink dynamics are generic and normal enough to just be sub categories I can expect to be relatable in conversations about normal basic heterosexual…. Stuff. I don’t know anything about this. She might just be an emotionally unavailable bitch. I might just have Eldest Daughter Trauma.

I don’t know. It’s already weird trying to be like “no my sister’s an attractive person objectively. I’m not attracted to her because ew, but also not my type but also ew, but she is an objectively attractive person.”

You grow up with a negative sibling relationship, complimenting them is unfamiliar territory. And then the whole “the internet loves to take anything you say in the worst way possible” paranoia my brain is like. “Literally the very concept of there being an incest angle is revolting. I think I would rather bite off my fingers and die.” I’m literally pulling a “no homo” but because of how weird I’ve seen some stupid internet discourse go off about dumb shit and I like. Hate the idea of having someone take this in that direction considering how distant my sister and I are and how hard it is to deal with actual sibling relationships without random people taking things the wrong way maliciously.

I took a sleeping pill and it’s the wrong side of 4am and my sinus headache is fucking demolishing me. I really wanna work things out with my sister one day, but there’s a lot of trauma and resentment built up. And it’s hard to know how much I can open up or trust her a lot of the time. Family is complicated.

And I am constantly plagued by the fear of running out of time. Dunno what to do with that.

[toodreampost-blog1]

I’ve been wanting to express this for a while, but this is the only time I’ve felt up to saying it: attacking people’s favorite characters from House of the Dragon because their morals or actions don’t align with societal ideals in current society is forced and corny.

I honestly feel like a large part of this is the result of the tribalism that was created by the team black or team green fractions in the fandom. People picking teams is a natural aspect of the show, as the entire show is predicated on the idea of the two teams battling each other, but people will use the bad actions of a show character to shame the people who like them.

I’ve seen this mostly with Alicent, Aegon, and Aemond. People call Alicent a pick-me or misogynistic for adhering to the standards of her time. Shaming ‘Aegon enjoyers’ to the point that some of them had to come out as SA survivors because people were calling them r*pe apologists for finding Aegon a funny and/or complex character. People somehow manage to call Aemond a racist because he “punched little black girls and stole their mother’s dragon” as if either of those things is applicable to the ASOIAF universe.

This should go without saying, but liking characters shouldn’t warrant people having their morals questioned or even being bullied for it. Expecting Alicent to be a feminist in a society that’s inspired by medieval Europe is ridiculous and calling people who like her misogynistic is equally ridiculous. The same people openly fawning over Daemon attempting to drag people for liking Aegon’s character is not only stupid but also hypocritical. Calling his fans r*pe apologists just to turn around and stan a character that has been confirmed to be a groomer and predator by Emma D’Archy and the showrunners is laughably forced on a lot of y’all parts.

And that I’m bringing up Daemon, sense team blacks are apparently so much more morally upright than team greens. Let’s run through some of them.

Viserys: gutted his first wife for a son. Took a child bride and used her as a birthing cow and a dumping ground for his fears and insecurities. Neglected her and her children. Was such a coward he never officially changed the laws of succession that would allow Rhaenyra to have an easier claim as queen.

Daemon: tortured innocent smallfolk. Groomed his niece. Murdered his first wife. Neglected one of his daughters because she didn’t have a fucking dragon. Ignored his second wife and her pleas to return to her family to give birth. Had sex with said niece at his dead wife’s funeral. Killed another innocent servant. Forced his daughters to be witnesses at his secret wedding a day after their own mother’s funeral. Killed Vemond in cold blood for telling the truth about two white boys stealing both his and Baela’s claim to THEIR birthright. Keep in mind, this is the same fraction of the fanbase that claims to hate Aemond for what he did to two little black girls, but yet still like a man after murdering a black man and stealing a black family’s throne in cold blood (and that’s because most of you don’t actually care about how black people are treated in the show, y’all just use their blackness for your own convenience). Oh not to mention he choked Rhaenyra out because she said something he didn’t like.

Oh, and Rhaenys killed hundreds of innocent smallfolk because she was angwyyy over Aegon being proclaimed king.

I could go on, but I feel like this is enough.

I truly do not understand it. A lot of the fans of HotD also like game of thrones. These fans will proudly call characters like Jaime and Cersei Lannister, Theron Greyjoy, Tyrion, and Tywin their favorites while scoffing at people who like Aemond because he *checks notes* accidentally (albeit stupidly) killed Luke at Storm’s Eye? WRAP. IT. UP.

I think it’s groupthink. In the game of thrones fandom, it was considered a norm to like villains or characters that do bad things, but the HotD fandom has this odd morality complex where you can’t support this character or this team because “they’re the bad guys”.

At the end of the day, this fandom should be a place of character analysis and *playful* in-fighting. Not degrading, bullying, and even doxxing others over a fictional dragon show. Team blacks will never have the moral high ground over team greens and vice versa. Can we just have fun? Thanks.

[twomanyfandomshelp]

Aspec people aren’t repressed?

I felt repressed when I had a breakdown a few days after I figured out my sexuality because I realized that so much of my life plan (traditional ideas of finding love, getting married, having kids, etc.) just didn’t fit with who I was. Sometimes I still think about it, and it still makes me sad, because the plan I had for my future for so much of my life has been completely flipped on its head.

I feel repressed when people ask me when I’m going to get a boyfriend.

I felt repressed when I walked in on my friend bawling her eyes out, thinking something is terribly wrong, and then finding out she was crying because a boy she really liked rejected her for what she thought was a stupid reason (two year age gap, means a lot in high school).

I feel repressed when I see everyone around me getting into relationships and leaving me behind.

I feel repressed when I lose friendships because they get so focused on their new partner that they forget all about me, then come crawling back to be comforted after they break up.

I feel repressed when my friend (the same one who was bawling her eyes out because of the age gap thing) will hear a dirty joke and cover my ears while saying that I’m “too innocent” or I’ll ask her what someone said and she’ll say, “you don’t wanna know” and I just know it was something sexual.

I feel repressed when my friends make comments about sex or romance and then glance at me and apologize. Like, I don’t care. And it makes me more uncomfortable when you do that than if you just treat me like a normal person! Like how people think you’re not supposed to use the word “see” when talking to a blind person, but really they don’t care. It just makes us feel weirder and like an “other” that you act differently around.

I felt repressed when, before I knew I was aroace, I told someone (can’t be bothered to remember who) that I was a virgin, and they asked if I was weirdly religious or something and I was confused because I just genuinely didn’t want to have sex with anyone.

I feel repressed when every time I come out I also have to give a lesson on my sexuality because despite the fact that I live in a very progressive area with a high LGBTQIA+ population, almost no one knows what being aromantic or asexual means, let alone being aroace.

I feel repressed when coming out has an extra layer of fear because not only am I afraid they won’t accept me, but I’m also afraid they’ll say I’m broken. Or “haven’t found the right person yet.” Or that they’ll suddenly think less of me now because they think I’m not capable of love. Which isn’t true at all (no hate to my loveless aros out there, y’all are valid and y’all are perfect just the way you are). I love my family, I love my friends, I love my dogs, I have so much love to give, just not in the romantic form that people consider so much more important than any other kind of love.

I feel repressed when, as an avid reader who actively avoids the romance genre, every single book I pick up has to have at least one romantic subplot. I mainly read fantasy, but no matter what book I pick up there is always some romance plot that I just have to deal with. There are some romance plots I really like, but when they’re just there for no reason and add nothing to the plot or overall story it’s just so frustrating.

I feel repressed when I’ll hear about how good a book is, but then I’ll read it and there’s spice that just wasn’t mentioned at all. Like, this has happened with pretty much every booktok famous book that I have bought and tried to read. Fourth Wing is the most recent example. And sometimes it feels like a book won’t get popular unless there’s spice.

I feel repressed when it feels like literally every song I try to listen to is about romance or breakups and it’s so hard to find songs that aren’t about romance. When I’m having a bad day and I want to listen to some music to calm down I have to be very careful about what music I listen to, because some days listening to love songs just reminds me of everything I’m missing out on and it can just make me spiral and spiral.

I feel repressed when I’ve literally only ever seen one canon aspec character in any movie or tv show I’ve watched (Isaac in Heartstopper, fantastic show, 10/10 recommend). And the only other one that I hear about consistently is Alastor from Hasbin Hotel, and even then a lot of the stuff I see with him completely disregards his canon sexuality!

I feel repressed when we literally have to fight off hoards of bots from our tags on tumblr because they think it’s okay to put a crap ton of sexual content in the asexual tag of all places!

I feel repressed when @staff does literally nothing to stop these bots, leaving it all up to US to fight for our tag, somewhere that is supposed to be our safe space!

I feel repressed when I get tagged in picrew chains and they have every LGBTQIA+ flag that you could think of, except for the asexual or aromantic flags. I have yet to encounter a single picrew that has the aroace flag.

I feel repressed when I, as someone who has known she was aroace for about six months now, only just recently found out that aroace has its own flag that is separate from the asexual and aromantic flags. For MONTHS I was just using the asexual and aromantic flags and colors, because I just didn’t know that aroace had its own flag.

I feel repressed when I’m typing a post about being aroace and my phone underlines it in red because it doesn’t recognize it as a word. One time I had to literally save a post to my drafts and step away from my phone because I was on the verge of a breakdown after seeing my phone flag the word aroace so many times. It also doesn’t recognize aromantism as a word. It recognizes asexual, aromantic, and asexuality. Just not aromantism or aroace.

So don’t sit up there on your high and mighty privileged horse and tell us that we are not repressed. Don’t tell us that we can’t ask for representation. Don’t tell us that we can’t try to fit in and belong in a society that is so obsessed with everything we lack. Don’t tell us we are broken, or that we haven’t found the right person yet, or that we don’t exist.

We are here. We are real. We are human. We are not broken. And we refuse to be silenced by people who refused to acknowledge and accept our existence.

The A in LGBTQIA+ doesn't stand for aspec because they're not repressed!

(please read the disclaimer at the end of this post)

Ummm, excuse me? Would you mind telling me what your definition of repression is, then?

Because I feel repressed when a doctor asks me about my sex life, and if I say I have none, it gets marked down as a symptom without being asked if I suffer from it.

I feel repressed when my gyn tells me I can't get a hysterectomy yet despite losing so much blood on every period that I need to take iron supplements all the time, because I could change my mind about not wanting children (which is a whole other post, I know, but it's most likely linked to sex).

I feel repressed if I can't use dating apps or platforms because my sexuality doesn't even exist there, and the one time I tried, I got called names because I didn't want to meet for because it was clear where this date would go, despite my explicit "what I'm looking for".

I feel repressed when I think about how recently a paragraph was finally abolished in my country that considered sex a vital part of a marriage, basically entitling the spouses to having sex with their partner (both gender neutral, because entitling people to having sex with somebody else by law is wrong. It's basically a rape permission).

I feel repressed when I can't watch any film or show without it being about love and/or sex, no matter if it fits the narrative and furthers the plot.

I feel repressed when I plot my own stories and automatically put a romantic couple in there as main characters, even though I have no idea why this would be important for the plot. Not even my own stories, my own thoughts are mine.

I felt repressed when I was asked accusingly in a relationship if I wasn't missing something before I even knew asexuality as a spectrum was a thing, and having to lie about this being a side effect of my medication instead of genuinely not feeling attracted to someone in this way.

I feel repressed when I can't tell people I'm not sexually attracted to them because they will take this personally no matter how well I explain myself.

I feel repressed when everywhere I look there's advertising relying on naked skin, suggestive posing and objectification. Why are expensive cars still presented by women considered beautiful and tempting? It's not like that's necessary to convince people of spending so much money on a thing that gets you from A to B. Couches with women in smart dresses and high heels. That's not what a normal person looks like on a couch. But the worst is a truck in the town where I live: it's from a small fruit and vegetable stand, so whenever I see it, it comes from the warehouse, delivering groceries. On it is a woman clad in very little, presenting fruit. I'm sorry, but why? Does a misogynistic picture convince you of the necessity to avoid scurvy?

I feel repressed when I tell people and get the answer "you just haven't found the right person yet", because there are two possible assumptions from that point: I'm either not trying hard enough (so it's basically my own fault) or something about me is not right, appalling even (which circles back to I'm not trying hard enough or frames me as a victim of my genetics, upbringing or circumstances to be pitied).

Do not tell me how I feel. Do not try to tell me everything is fine and I shouldn't complain or ask for acknowledgement if everywhere I look, I'm reminded of how odd, how weird and how not normal I am. How much it inconveniences you to even acknowledge my existence, let alone respect any of my traits, views and choices.

And while I can only write from my own asexual point of view, I wrote this with all kinds of flavours of aspec in mind, so I'm explicitly including aromantics, aroace people and every shade of the spectrum in this. Not all my examples may apply to you, but I hope you can find something to relate to.

ETA: please feel free to add your own experiences of repression!

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 338

Galaxy Brain/Ascension of the Cybermen

“Galaxy Brain”

Plot Description: as Chuck takes drastic action, Sam and Dean answer a distress call from Sioux Falls that sets them on a course to somewhere else entirely: the Bad Place

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: No one died

Life seems like it would have been easier on Earth 2

The way I thought “sir, this is a Radio Shed” seconds before this kid not being paid enough to listen to Chuck’s monologue said it

Ok I still hate Chuck but from a writer pov this…this is how I hear a lot of writers talk about their characters so at least it’s funny AND accurate

Oh lord…”it’s time to start canceling shows” and boy howdy have shows been canceled left and right

It’s weird having Sam be the one who’s skeptical of Jack. Cas still has every faith in him, Dean trusts Billie, but Sam? Nah

Ohhhhhhhh ok so other Kaia has Jody. If it were literally anyone or anything else she’d either have it handled or she’d be dead already

Kaia’s ALIVE. We’re really sewing in so many loose threads.

Cas, you are disappointing me with how bad you are at connect four

Cas and Jody have never met til now???? In season 15 episode 12?????? Wtf

I know they meant for Jody’s line about what to do with other Kaia in the meantime was supposed to sound badass or something but considering she’s a cop, it was actually just disturbing

No because literally how have they not met before??? Cas who still looks like Jimmy Novak and Jody who’s been Claire Novak’s caretaker for YEARS now

Jack, don’t do it, hoe. Don’t use your powers…you did it. Oh, there are apparently SOME powers he can use no problem, i GUESS

This reaper is real bold thinking she can stop Jack

Of COURSE there’s magically some kind of warding they can now do against Chuck and other cosmic entities so Jack can use his powers so the Kaias can trade places or something. I can’t imagine why other Kaia would want to STAY in her dying world, but I understand why she’d want to see it one last time. I hope she doesn’t stay but I fear she will

Why did Sam pronounce her name like KAY-uh. No one’s ever done that before. Had to rewind to make sure Dean didn’t do it too

I knew other Kaia would stay but it seems really stupid

Awwww Kaia is excited to see Claire again

Ah damn. But also, of COURSE Billie is pissed off you’re fucking around with her plans

The one critique I have of Billie’s plan (and really this is more about the spn writers than her) is that the boys want out of Chuck’s prescribed story, they JUST had another god tell them “don’t play his game, make him play your game,” but now it’s sounding like there’s one book in Death’s library for Chuck and the boys have their role in it…like, they’re constantly trying to break out of predetermined stories but this?? This is ok?? For some reason??

This poor Radio Shed employee’s been sleeping on the floor of his place of work, doing everything to serve Chuck for a whole month, just to have Chuck send a whole asteroid right onto the Radio Shed after being assured he’d be just fine.

“Ascension of the Cybermen”

Plot Description: the Doctor and friends face a brutal battle, across the farthest reaches of space, to protect the human race against the deadly Cybermen

We’re back to where we belong in the timeline. It got a little…wibbly wobbly for a day there you might say

For an abandoned baby in the middle of the road, it’s strangely well taken care of…nice basket, warm blanket, etc

Why do I have the feeling this kid is gonna be the lone cyberman from the previous episode?

There are SEVEN people left on earth??

I’m annoyed that 13 is annoyed that these suffering humans are not better prepared to fight the cybermen when she’s already been told they’ve been running from them

The amount you can do with the cybermen is so funny. You can just take the heads, make those fly around and call them cyberdrones

Why did Ryan get separated in their run from the cybermen?? Y’all better not be turning another companion into a cyberman

I can’t believe they just hotwired the cyberman ship

I now have no doubt that this dude in the past is absolutely the main cybermen they’ve been fighting. Was he chosen by fate or whatever to be the being to bring back the cybermen??

This would be a stupid plan if they had literally any other options

How are five people going to fly an entire cyberman carrier craft??

Did y’all just wake up an entire cyberman army?? Oh. Not yet, at least

Wait wait wait wtf…was the dude’s dad and the police officer (?) were they cybermen in disguise or something???

NOW the army is waking up

And now the Master is here! Can’t say I’m disappointed in that turn of events

[alottamoney]

Continuation

Now the narrative has again changed to “Taekook are loud an free” and for Jikook it is FS being exposed. Y’all claim GCF tokyo means nothing cuz it was posted on an official site, and “bighit will never post that if Jikook was real, but y’all rave about GCF in Newark and Taekook tiktok challenge at Paradise Hotel. Oh so bighit can post GCF in Newark where Tae had the most screentime and a tiktok challenge at a HOTEL and that is bighit exposing the “real” couple Taekook but them posting GCF in Tokyo mean nothing? Ok😂. Tae can namedrop Jk in his 2 minute Lives, they can attend premieres with cameras, hangout with friends at public places, do joint lives, attend concerts together, ride in the same car, and that would mean true love. But when Jikook do these exact same things they are FS? And then when u are called out for hypocrisy you claim it is different now cuz they are in their solo era and it is not work. Really? Was it work when Jimin went to see Jk on his bday and Tae didn’t? Was it work when Jk decided to spend white day with jimin and his friends last year? Was ut work when Jimin travelled all the way from paris to Sk to celebrate Jk’s bday with him? Also, i guess pple like Jk’s mom, boxing coach and tattoo artist are also in on the whole FS game huh? Jk’s mom who makes her son eat seaweed soup she made cuz it was JM’s bday. Jk’s boxing coach who knows all the members but is clearly more familiar with Jk and Jimin and Jk’s tattoo artist too who is clearly more familiar with Jk and JM that he even has their initials tattooed on his arms (granted both Jk and Jm are tattoo pple) but i guess all these pple including Jk’s mom who knows and loves him more than anyone else ever could are also included in the jikook FS huh?

You have got to be more delusional than some shippers if you honestly believe that you would know everytime the members see each other. And the fact that you even have the cohones to utter such words makes you sound stupid as hell. Trust me, you would not know if Jimin visits Jk home everyday and vice versa unless they want you to know. Pple are not only supposed to hang out, outside of the house for it to he considered a hangout. With all the Teakook hangouts you have seen, have there been anyone like the places Jimin is usually seen at? We never saw or heard of any Jimin sighting anywhere until 2 weeks ago and where was he seen? In small restaurants with his friend, in a convenience store etc. So clearly Jimin probably doesn’t do the same activities Tk do when they hangout so if Jikook hang out together, who is to say they don’t visit each other and just drink or eat chicken or workout together? How on earth would you know if that is what they do when they hangout?

I’m not a shipper either and i hate it when shippers get all delusional about friendly hangouts of maknae line but it pisses me off more when pple like this anon think they are a fly on their wall and know all about their activities 24/7. That is delusional as hell and extremely invasive imo. I know that i have written a lot and I apologize for this essay of an ask, it just really pisses me off that pple continue to invalidate Jimin and Jk’s bond despite all we have seen and know about them all these years. None of these damn ships are real and they are all just friends so y’all let them be for crying out loud. You might argue abt who Jk is closer to between Tae and JM but trying to claim that Jikook only hang out when work is concerned is just dumb. If You think the same Jimin who was almost obsessed with Jk will let his friendship with Jk fall through the cracks then you are one crazy person. If you think Jk, the same Jk who couldn’t wait to invite Jimin for chicken and boxing and whatever will let his friendship with Jimin fall through the cracks, then you don’t know what u are talking about!

Some of y’all brains are so filled up with conspiracy theories that you just don’t know how to appreciate the simple things of life anymore. You have to over analyze every word or action and movement. You think these BTS members are some paid actors who have no autonomy or agency and are used as puppets by their money hungry company. You look at BTS and see Hollywood or One direction lol. Trust me, sometimes it is ok to take certain things at face value. The entertainment industry is a mess yes, but have lil faith in these boys and stop with all these unnecessary conspiracy theories. Trust me, a majority of your theories are wrong as hell and just show that you know little to nothing about these boys. I don’t expect you to know them completely. We can’t but if you have watched them or content of them for over 10 years, then atleast you would know that BTS are one of the most genuine set of idols that ever came from kpop. The fact that you don’t know this is sad.

Once again, I apologize for this extremely long ask. I don’t know if you would post it but i will appreciate it if u do. I know it’s alot but I couldn’t help myself.

Anon, all this is fine but you're arguing with people who believe neither in Jikook nor Taekook. Please find a Jikook blog because I won't be posting any more of these.

[josiebelladonna]

you know, i’m reading her fics (and also afterglow, so good so bad, and living on the edge by temple) and i’m not going to lie to you guys: i really do feel threatened. i feel my sexual wounding reopening itself. that raw feeling that gnawed at me from late 2021 into a good chunk of last year back to me again. this lingering demon that constantly tells me i’m worthless and that sexuality is a thing of pain, and it tells me to give up the ghost on sexuality as a whole. i read her fics and i feel worthless, just completely unsexy, those old shaming thoughts that have haunted me and built walls around me for what feels like eternity: they want me back. she may as well just shame me for my preferences and my desires. just get it over with. i know that’s what you want to do. 

she hinted at it a few times whenever i wrote something that supposed to be hot and she called it “cute” instead. pain and repression are a joke to her. you think you’re the only one who can do it right. i feel so sexless, so neutered, so prudish if you will, all because i don’t have it whereas you do. lol, i’m a sexual being. lol, yeah, imagine me being sexual, especially when her ass exists.

one thing i read during my two “raw” periods last year—where, in a proverbial sense, i threw myself at a wall and splayed myself open and i examined the pieces, kicked up a lot of anxiety, depression, humiliation, actual physical pain, bad memories, and angry tears—was that when a woman feels sexually empowered, she inspires other women to do the same. well... i’m afraid i never got that from her: quite the contrary, actually. i felt more unsafe and like i was being forced to write erotically rather than have it come from me naturally: it felt like there was this unspoken rule that i had to do erotica when she was around. and moreover, her reactions to it only made me feel like i wasn’t doing it right.

i still feel raw at times, too: i still hate and feel so uncomfortable with my desires, and i wish i could get rid of them. my kinks are still heavily riddled in shame. i still think what i like is dumb (just to give an example: you know how i really like how alex looks with a little belly on him? sometimes i’ll think about that and then i’ll immediately think “what am i doing. this is stupid, i can’t do this, i can’t do this to him, i am such a fucking creep”). i look at lingerie or toys online and it feels like such a waste of time even considering them in the first place, like no one wants me. i look at my complete absence of a sex life and i want to cry: 30 years old in april and i never even had my first kiss, what the hell.

and rather than make me feel good about myself and help me understand that it’s all natural and i had to do that myself and i feel like i failed, she did not make me feel safe to express myself. she still doesn’t.

these are the hottest band fics y’all have read. they’re so self-assured and comfortable. but then i stop and ask, you’re serious?

you can’t be.

i’m not going to say much about temple because… i’d rather not, i gave her kudos as like an olive branch and i really don’t want to undo that. but if i remember correctly, just from seeing posts about what people don’t like to see in fic, piss poor grammar and spelling are unanimously a kiss of death for fanfic. and add to this, istg, the quality of their fics has steadily dropped off the last couple of years: i’m having to reread chapters 2-3 times because i don’t know what the hell is happening. there’s rereading something because it’s good, and then there’s rereading because it’s hard to follow.

i liked louder than love. it was fun, and sweet, and actually hot in some places, and to this day, i still go back to that original trilogy. the type o fics felt like natural evolutions of the story, too.

but… i think it’s just me being the thrash and death metal girl here but i can see the chlamydia coming out of the motley ones. it doesn’t help that the quality has fallen off a cliff, and moreover, i’m not sure how that works. i would think that, as time goes on, you improve your writing. maybe it’s just the style—this is tommy lee here, i’m not expecting alex skolnick or chuck schuldiner—but it’s a bad sign if i read and i find it hard to follow. it’s like “a first draft from a sixth grade student writing their first big essay and it’s loaded with errors and you do your damnedest to not be mean about here during peer review” level of hard to follow. whereas i knew what was going on in l.t.l., all the way to the end.

and i’m completely turned off by the green druidess’ motley fics. i mean, i’m already predisposed to feel turned off from her, but i genuinely feel dirty reading life after death. i don’t want to read something that talks to me like i’m an idiot, let alone read said thing from someone who pretty much convinced me that my sexuality is wrong.

you know, i just realized something. these two… things, i wouldn’t call them series (fever in, fever out was a series, so is eerie inhabitants), are basically the fanfic equivalent of marvel. really, think about it: started out humble and small and kinda quaint and then ego took over and they’re just churning out sequel after sequel, spin-off after spin-off, hollow story after hollow story with some sort of vague connection but the quality is abysmal after a while. they’re basically marvel or disney but much, much smaller—and i get a sense that people are afraid to speak out about it, too, given this is fanfic here (so abuse of “don’t like don’t read” on two levels).

except, instead of obsession with money, i don’t know what the intent is. to punish me? that’s what it feels like. it’s not like i give a shit, but… ego blurs your vision, and as i have shown, ego is a major problem with the green druidess—and i’m starting to think temple’s just a puppet. someone who flip-flops like that doesn’t have an ego but lacks a spine. and speaking of her, i thought she’d cruise, at least through last year: quarantine is over and we’re all trying to make sense of this new world we’re in, sure, but i remember seeing her kick ass in 2019 into a good chunk of 2020. and then *she showed up* and... oof. talk about easy to assume the worst. you’re just like mike love but you’ll never be brian wilson.

“we’re lowly fanfic writers. we toil and suffer in obscurity.” listen, if you say this about yourself, apply this to everyone on ao3 and wattpad. okay? it’s not just you. i said this before and i’ll say it again: what the hell makes her so special? is it because she ~actually replies to you~?

you know who else ~actually replied to you~? tila.

although…

from what I’ve read about tila, before she went completely off her rocker, she was actually daring and a formidable person (i mean, she was the first social media star before smartphones became ubiquitous, for god’s sake).

she was blunt and confessional. that was part of her appeal aside from the open lewdness: she was like an open book. people following her felt like they “got” her.

she was genuinely adult, too. there was nothing about her that seemed juvenile, i want to say. she seemed genuinely mature and the way that she expressed it was no child’s play.

you know... compare this to…

well, you know.

and... she called me “cute” for writing a phone sex scene.

...

...

there’s nothing about ^her that is blunt or confessional, now that i really think about it and how her fics sit in my memory. i really cannot think of anything from her that’s on that deep a level except -maybe- “stay”, and i wasn’t too crazy about the ending of that, either: that’s probably my one complaint with that one, was the ending felt a little... i want to say “canned” or “unsatisfying”, like i was expecting more of a punch but instead i got a little tap on the back of the head.

everything about ^her reminds me of that “abcdefu” song that came out last year: it makes you go, “god, this girl’s a brat. she steals from people and then stabs them in the back when she finds there’s nothing left to take, and then cries about it when someone calls her out, and the way she goes about with it is so childish. she takes until there’s nothing left to take and then plays dead when she doesn’t get her way.”

not just grifter behavior but someone who, in a vein very similar to tila (hence why i keep comparing them to one another), never grew up. except, this is like 5th grade type stuff with an air of detachedness and arrogance, so it gets weirdly creepy once you put some thought into it.

i don’t have any idea how a grown-ass woman pulls off the “creepy child” trope but... somehow.

she did it.

i mean, the fact she reuploaded her anthrax fics almost immediately after the incident happened and then didn’t even sniff the ass of that tag until ^that stupid chapter of like loving the dead should give you more of a clue.

oh, you don’t believe me?

that series was reuploaded. she deleted it because my name was in the kudos. i had it bookmarked. really, i checked out the first chapter of that one and she only changed like minor grammatical errors, which tells me she didn’t even try to fix her plagiarism and do right by it (especially when i’ve shown that she’s still doing it): it was really only to get my name off of there. by the way, i deleted the bookmarks because they were empty; my fault for doing that, i should’ve screenshot them before i deleted them just to back this up, but nevertheless-

SHE IS LYING TO ALL OF YOU.

if something doesn’t go her way, she stomps her feet and screams until someone does listen, and then she abuses fic rules by putting a thin veneer of feminism on top to give herself the upper hand. she makes it look like she’s the only one who can say all this. 

it is textbook spoiled brat behavior, and grifter behavior… and i hate to say it but i’m seeing it way too much now. oh, you don’t think women lie or stretch the truth? you seriously believe all women are pure and are victims of everything and it’s impossible that some of them can absolutely vile? “how do we know you’re not lying?” i’ve been telling the truth this whole time—for one thing, i never deleted any posts about it, whereas she has: she pretty much scraped any record of my existence from her accounts because… i wish i knew.

i guarantee you, as you’re reading this, somewhere in the world, a woman is cheating on a man or another woman, a woman is hitting her child, a woman is performing animal cruelty, a woman is engaging in something horrific but no one says anything because y’all have warped the true meaning of feminism from “women should be held accountable as much as men” to “all women are victims and pure and if they don’t act in a way we want, they aren’t real women, and also all men are scum”. 

and to really burst your bubble, they’re all real people, too. seriously, stop this “real women” bullshit, already. i’m serious: stop it. it’s literally right up there with telling a guy to be a real man, it’s fucking annoying and helps no one—in my case, it triggered an existential crisis. i really thought there was no way i could identify as a woman because of her bullshit implying i’m not a real woman. and the fact that there are so many people on here who—i’m just going to say it—have no business being on here because they’re at an impressionable age, which only makes it worse. so many teenage girls are going to grow up with internalized misandry and a sense of “us vs. them” as well as misogyny.

do you see why i see her as a prototype for what tumblr has become? moreover, do you see why i am so genuinely creeped out by it? she thinks she’s still a teenager (for the record: i don’t know how old she is. she’s older than me, i know that).

moreover, this is her legacy. 

is it worth it to get attention for the hell of it rather than to do something worthwhile like—oh, i don’t know—write a genuinely good story or indulge in art and work on it and get better at it? again, much like tila, she’s obviously passionate about it. why does she feel a need to act like this when she only ends up breaking someone all because she doesn’t like them and leaves whole subcultures hanging just because she doesn’t want to be proven wrong? worse, knowing the size of her ego, there’s no hope for her. i’m afraid she’s too far gone to even assess the damage she’s done to herself. nevermind me and what i went through for a second: the fact she continues to antagonize me and carry this snotty, holier-than-thou, spoiled brat attitude tells me this is going to follow her around forever, no matter what she does and no matter what i do.

do i take responsibility? sure. i absolutely do. i exposed the truth about her, but it’s only because i thought i could trust her. i thought i had made a friend in her, and she turned out to be a complete bully to me and i had no choice but to really look at her behavior and talk about it. i take responsibility but you forced my hand. i didn’t point a gun to your head and tell you to reupload, you chose to do it and you chose to lie on top of that, too.

i didn’t have a choice: you did.

but you know what? i say, let her continue to dig the hole she has dug for herself. it’s like what i said about the people who support ai art: go ahead, keep doing it. let your ego swell so badly that you can’t even walk through a doorway. keep playing the victim.

i didn’t come to your wedding, but i will surely be at your wake. unlike your precious lizzy graves (...i fucking gag every time i think of that name, especially when you realize she’s named after michale graves), i have no regrets about any of it.

[robinsno1lesbian]

i have such a specific take on this and i feel like i need to talk about it so:

lots of people who dislike ronance will use the argument, "it's bad representation because robin can't just fall in love with her first female friend just because she's a lesbian" (which, if we consider the "rebel robin" book, isn't even true). if we are going down that road, though, then so is rockie/rovickie.

when i said i wanted robin to get a girlfriend in season 4/5, i didn't mean vickie a character written just to be a sapphic love interest and fill the gap of actual queer characters on the show. given the conflict between nancy and jonathan this last season, they could've easily gotten her out of that stupid love triangle (free my girl 😔😔). this way, we would've had an actually important character develop feelings for robin over time and figure themselves out without it being their only character trait and purpose on the show. in fact, nancy has been there from the start, and making her queer would've only added another layer to her personality rather than being her sole purpose. i really love the actress who plays vickie, and this is no hate to her whatsoever! i just think there was so much potential right there. instead, they chose to just copy-paste robin's entire personality and called it a day. this is the second thing that really bothers me about rovickie: i feel like her character was just a rip-off of robin's, which felt really lazy (again, this is not on the actress at all!).

personally, I had really high expectations for a second sapphic woman on the show—even before i shipped ronance! there was obviously lots of potential to shape and create a character to be eobin's girlfriend, and they could've done it in so many different ways. i honestly think that's exactly why i ended up loving ronance so much: they're different in so many ways but work so well together once they've gotten over those initial differences! unlike vickie, nancy isn't just a copy-paste version of robin. they're both super smart in their own way, and I think that makes it so fun to watch them interact. In contrast, the rovickie interaction we got felt very predictable because of how alike these two are. do you know what I mean?

sure, we haven't gotten that much rovickie content yet, and maybe it'll change with season 5. but personally, i don't think I'll get over ronance now that the introduction of vickie's character has somehow failed to really resonate with me.

y’all i don’t even know but thank you for coming to my ted talk 🙏🙏

(also: this isn’t a “reasons why i hate rovickie” but more of a “reasons why i prefer ronance” post! if you prefer rovickie, good for you! don’t mind me i’m just rambling! <3)

is somebody gonna match my freak (convinced Nancy and Jonathan will just break up and Robin's crush on Vickie will disappear into thin air so Robin and Nancy can fall in love)

[jungkxook]

—hot boy bummer. (m)

⟶ pairing: jungkook x reader 

⟶ genre: fuckboy!jungkook / friends with benefits / friends to lovers + smut  

⟶ words: 14,633

⟶ rating: 18+ 

⟶ summary: when jungkook offers you a proposition of just sex, no strings attached, how can you possibly say no? after all, what are best friends for?

⟶ warnings: kind of a crack fic, sprinkle of angst, way too casual conversations mid-sex, jealous jungkook, slight himbo jungkook tbh (he’s kind of a sweet loveable idiot), he also has a big dick oops, man bun and blonde jungkook to feed my fantasies!, multiple smut scenes!!!, missionary, dry humping, oral sex (m receiving), face fucking, unprotected sex, slight degradation (mostly jungkook hating himself), brief name calling, light choking, sort of praise kink

⟶ note: this was inspired by a number of things but mainly do me by kim petras being on jungkook’s spotify playlist, this tiktok sound, and this tumblr post lol also big thank you to @bratkook​ and @onherwings​ for letting me ramble on about this fic and reigniting my inspo for it 💛

( p.s. i tried to proofread this but if y’all see any typos no u didn’t, thank u <3 )

Being friends with Jungkook meant a myriad of things but mainly that there were hardly ever any boundaries that stood between you and him.

Having known him for most of your life, it was just a quintessential part of yours and his relationship with one another. From high school parties where you drunkenly spewed on his shoes and in his dad’s car after he tried lugging you home (and taking the fall all himself for your sake) to letting him lose his virginity in your bed to some girl you didn’t know because your parents were out of town and his would crucify him on the spot if they had found out; or him discovering your stash of vibrators in your dorm one day, or seeing each other naked more often than was probably necessary, there was nothing that either of you could do that would phase the other at this point even when it maybe, probably, definitely should.

College, and Jungkook’s sudden six pack of hard rock abs, only seemed to amplify the chaos of your friendship. If you’re being honest, the abs are sort of a plus ━ but they brought an air of fuckboy to him that is undeniably there even if he tries to deny it sometimes. You suppose it isn’t all his fault. Jungkook has always been bold and brash, attractively charming. Considering he’s seemingly made it his mission to sleep with every girl on campus before he graduates (undisclosed, if you’re being honest, because he’s never outwardly admitted it but you have a hunch), his confidence somehow hasn’t failed him yet.

But then there’s one night in which you think to yourself briefly: this surely must draw some sort of line.

“What if we, like, had sex?”

Jungkook says this a little too casually from beside you. He’s sat on the couch in his dorm, scrolling aimlessly on his phone, and you’re sprawled out on the remaining space, feet kicked up in his lap. You’re positive he’s drunk but, then again, so are you. The remnant shot glasses of soju you had both started the night with (though you think Jungkook’s had half the bottle himself), and your second glass of wine, are all evidence of that. You’re so absorbed by some anime Jungkook had been watching upon your arrival and refused to change that you almost don’t hear what he says. Almost. You do, however, nearly choke on the gummy bear you’ve just tossed into your mouth.

After a sudden hysterical fit of coughs, you manage to sputter, “Excuse me?”

“Like, hypothetically speaking.” He hardly budges when you turn to gawk at him, as if he’s asking you something as casual as what to eat for dinner or if you could pass him the T.V. remote. “Except, not really hypothetically.”

“You’re joking, right?” You scoff.

Jungkook blinks. “No. Why would I be joking?”

You blink. The longer you stare at him, the quicker you’re able to discern that there’s some sort of earnesty in his words and it slightly concerns you. Suddenly, you’re warm in the face. To distract from that painfully obvious fact, an incredulous laugh bubbles at your lips and you kick one of your feet at his thighs. “Very funny, Koo. Can we change the show now if you’re not even watching it?”

“I’m not joking, Y/N.” The severity in his tone makes you sit up at once. When you turn to look at him, he flashes you a taunting smirk, though the devious sparkle in his eyes lets you know this seems to be anything but a joke to him. “I’m sure you’ve thought of me naked before.”

“You’re such a fucking idiot━” Okay, so maybe you have thought of him naked before but how is it your fault when you literally have seen him naked before, and he’s so unabashed around you? “Should I bring you to a hospital to get your head checked, or━?”

“Just hear me out━” Now, he pushes himself to the edge of the sofa. “Why are you here right now?”

“In life? Because I honestly have no clue━”

“No, I meant here. Getting drunk in my apartment on a Friday night instead of getting railed.”

“Okay, I didn’t ask to get called out like that,” You grumble stiffly. “And because you’re my best friend, and I like spending time with you.” It’s not entirely a lie, because you would much rather spend time with Jungkook than anyone else. But when you feel his eyes boring into you in a look of scrutiny, your lips form into a pout which you try to hide by puckering them. “Also because boys are stupid and Hoseok’s blind date stood me up. Again.”

The events from hours earlier resurface in your memory, in which you had spent all evening making yourself look pretty for a boy you had only talked to through text that your roommate had introduced you to, only to arrive to the restaurant you were supposed to be meeting at and waiting there for half an hour by yourself before the boy had sent you a message saying something along the lines of “something came up, hope we can reschedule,” filing it under one of the lamest excuses you’ve ever heard because it hardly even borders on a valid excuse. It’s what had ultimately made you storm into Jungkook’s apartment an hour ago, exclaiming aloud as a greeting with a simple yet scarily cheerful I hate men! because Jungkook knows all about your plights with finding a significant other (or even just someone decent enough to open your legs to), usually lamenting men’s inability to have any emotions. Even the ones who you think are respectable enough, who say they’re fine not having sex on the first date, usually tend to flee right after you finally let them in because sex, as you come to find, seems to be all that men care about.

Admittedly, Jungkook is not any different.

“But it’s not like you’re any better.”

This seems to personally offend Jungkook. He looks at you cynically. “Me?”

“Tell me why you’re here with me on a Friday night when you’re literally one of the hottest guys on campus,” You point out. “You can get any girl, and yet you somehow manage to ruin it every single time. Like with Eunha.”

Jungkook winces. The poor Eunha in question is a pretty girl from your chem class, whomst Jungkook had somehow managed to charm. From what you know, they had hooked up a handful of times before that fateful night in which Jungkook had abruptly broken things off with her. If you’re being honest, he’s not a total monster. The only thing that seems to scare him away is when a girl asks to cuddle him in the morning or talks about the prospective future together. He doesn’t want to hurt them, he told you once before, and finds it much easier to nip any potential relationship in the bud before it can get too far, too out of control.

“We literally only slept together three times anyway and we never went out,” Jungkook points out. “What’s the big deal?”

A roll of your eyes doesn’t go unnoticed by Jungkook. “Yeah, it’s not her fault you’re scared of commitment.”

“Nu’uh,” The boy sulks. “I’m only scared of realistic things, like microwaves.”

A snort bubbles at your lips, and it’s frustrating how adorable he finds the simple action. Rather than entertain the thought of his irrational fear of kitchen appliances (because you’ve heard it all before, and you still can’t find where he was incited with the terror of an exploding microwave), you sit up.

“Jungkook, I don’t even like you like that.”

“I don’t like you like that either. That’s why it’s so perfect!” Jungkook says brightly. “Look, we know each other better than anyone else ever could. We’re already comfortable with each other. We don’t have to go through all that boring small talk. All I’m saying is we could give it a try. No relationship, no emotions, just sex.”

You consider the thought for a moment, weigh the pros and cons in your head.

The cons? He’s your best friend.

The pros? He’s your best friend, and he’s hot.

Truthfully, your slightly buzzed mind can find very little to dissuade you away from the inviting proposition and maybe that’s why you begin to entertain the idea. And, sure, you had just complained profusely about how men sometimes only used you for sex, but it’s not like you don’t have needs too. You just don’t have the gusto in you anymore to spend days on a boy who will only just leave you the moment you let him have sex with you. At least with Jungkook, he’s already offering you a blatant deal of sex only and you know you won’t have to worry about him breaking your heart; and he doesn’t have to worry about the dreaded dreamy post-sex cuddle talk of a future family and babies and a white picket-fence home. It’s a win-win for the both of you, really. Or maybe you’re just telling yourself that.

“How would we even start?” You ask finally. “I mean… Do you even find me attractive enough in that way?”

“Yeah.” Jungkook hardly bats a lash. He meets your stare, licks slowly at his lower lip. When he sees the cross look of disbelief scrunching at your face, he hastens to respond. “I’m not blind. You’re fucking drop dead gorgeous, Y/N.”

“But physically attractive? I’m no hot girl Eunha.”

“If I wanted Eunha, I’d be between her legs right now. Y/N, of course I think you’re attractive.” A gentle sliver of a smile dances upon his lips. He leans his head on the back of the couch, eyes fluttering over your appearance shortly. “I’ve always liked your lips, and your eyes. Think they’re beautiful.”

Suddenly, you’re flustered again. The room feels as if it’s getting increasingly warmer, yet you seem to want to bask in the feeling and attention a little longer. “That’s too sentimental.”

“It’s true though.”

“Well, you’re lucky I’ve always had a thing for idiots,” You jest playfully. “Jerks, too. Playboys who are too hot for their own good.”

“Ah, and I love it when you talk dirty to me.” A cheeky grin tugs at his lips as he clutches at his heart over his chest. “It’s a good thing I like it a little too much, knowing you’ll always keep me in check.”

But then the mirth seems to fade from your mind long enough for you to hum aloud pensively, “And I’ve always liked your eyes. I’ve never seen such big eyes before. Sometimes, if I look long enough, it’s like I can see the stars in them.”

As you’re speaking about them, his irises glisten magnificently. He bites at his lip now, as if to hide the way his soft smile turns sheepish. “I like your bum.”

“Really? I always worry it’s too flat.”

“Are you kidding? Your ass is a fucking god-send. It’s hard not to stare when you wear leggings sometimes,” Jungkook admits, earning a small giggle from you. “And I like your boobs. I’ve always wondered…” He trails off abruptly, shaking his head. He shoots you an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop. I’m being an idiot, aren’t I?”

“Well, maybe I don’t want you to stop.”

Silence saturates the room now, settling comfortably between the two of you. He wonders what you’re thinking, and you wonder if he can hear your heart hammering against your chest. Perhaps on any other day when you were of sound mind, you could find a plethora of reasons as to why sleeping with your best friend was a terrible idea. But being that you were slightly tipsy, and Jungkook isn’t far off, you can find not one fault, except for maybe how tragically hot Jungkook looks sitting across from you and how he’s never been yours, at least in that way. Would it be so wrong to try just once?

You shift then, pushing yourself to your knees if only so you can worm your way towards him before swinging one leg over his. You settle back on his lap, hands gripping his shoulders. He can feel your core press against the inside of his thigh, just where his dick is nestled and he has to bite back a moan. His eyes are wider than usual, as if believing the moment to be surreal, though something sultry threatens to darken them.

“Y/N…”

The excitement crackles through your veins like electricity. You’ve never been in such a compromising position with Jungkook before, and you wonder if it should be concerning just how much you’re enjoying it. It almost feels as if time slows down, every second dragging on, yet he can’t look away. His hands come to tug at your hoodie (that he’s almost positive was his once upon a time before you nicked it from his closet) and you meet him part way, replacing his efforts as you pull it up and off your body. Then, you’re sitting back on his lap in your full nude glory, chest bare and right in his face. He eyes the swell of your breasts, the perk of your nipples. Of course you’re not wearing anything beneath your hoodie ━ and, god, he loves it.

“Touch me?”

Your voice comes to him in an almost dream. You reach for his hand then, your palm soft around his knuckles and the tattoos that ink his skin. It’s the same hand of which he wears the other half to your pair of friendship bracelets in one of his favourite colours of red, decorated with little pink hearts. It came in a matching set of two (yours in your own favourite colour, currently on the wrist of the hand you’re using to guide Jungkook’s), cute little macrame braid ones with hearts woven into the design that you had pointed out one day while you were both at the mall and he had bought without any hesitation mostly as a joke but resulted in both of you wearing them on a daily basis.

Now, all he can do is continue watching you with bated breath as you guide his hand right where you both want him. He comes to cup the underside of one of your breasts, your hand over his pressing his fingers tighter together until you can feel some sort of pleasant pressure. And, just like that, something feral and needy seems to snap within him. His hand slithers from your grasp if only so he can flick his thumb across your nipple, mesmerized by the softness of it. He’s only ever seen you naked once before and it was fleeting. You were both drunk, skinny dipping in a lake with a handful of other friends, but it had been too dark to notice much else. But now? Now, he can see all of you and the sight strikes a chord right down to his dick.

“You’re fucking beautiful,” Jungkook groans.

“Koo.” The cute little nickname you had given him sounds dirty now as it slips from your lips in a moan. “Too sentimental.”

But Jungkook isn’t listening because you really, really, really are so beautiful. He bows his head to your chest, catching one of your nipples in his mouth. He murmurs something against your chest that sounds akin to, “We can take things slow.”

“Slow…” Your head is spinning, but it’s a delightful sensation. Something hard pokes against your ass now, and the adrenaline only seems to build within you. It’s odd how everything feels so foreign ━ exploring his body and these newfound feelings like the uncharted territory it is ━ yet secure and safe at the same time. As if you know what to do next, where to touch next, how to move, your bodies almost fitting together like pieces to a puzzle. “Y-Yeah, I like that. Can I move?”

“Fuck, yes, please,” he growls. He’s much too busy nipping and sucking at the sensitive skin on your chest, teeth tugging at your nipple.

You hurry to obey, giving a small experimental swivel of your hips that almost immediately has the both of your inhaling a sharp breath of air. His dick strains against his sweatpants, the material doing very little in protecting him against you. Your core throbs as you rub yourself on him.

“Like this?” You rasp.

“Yeah, just like that.” Jungkook’s head rolls back onto the couch, his eyes squeezing shut and his blonde hair spilling into his eyes. He clenches his jaw, the nerves fluttering in the corner, as pure euphoria riddles his features. You don’t think you’ve ever seen anything so sexy. “Fuck, we probably shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Yeah,” You agree, breathless. “Do you wanna stop?”

“No. Do you?”

“No.”

“Thank god.” The sigh of relief that emits from Jungkook startles even him but, in the heat of the moment, he doesn’t register how any of this could be a mistake. “Ah, shit━ Faster━”

“Mmm, Koo━” You whimper as you quicken your pace, the vulgar harbored thought of his dick in you thrilling you to no end.

“Fuuck, I’ve never heard you sound like this before. So needy, so desperate,” Jungkook grunts, his fingers digging into your hips. And it’s all because of him, the way you’re feeling. He’s never wanted to hurry to please you faster, itching to tear you apart if he’ll get to hear those noises from you again and again. “I━”

He’s gonna cum, and he’s not even in your pussy. What’s gotten into him?  

He presses you a little harsher against his dick, sitting up straighter so that his chest is pressed flush against yours. He leans forward, lips chasing after yours, before you pull back just enough sluggishly to press your finger to his mouth.

“Uh uh. No kissing,” You rasp.

The words process in Jungkook’s head, but the weight of them don’t seem to linger in his daze. He’s far too overwhelmed by you and the way you’re making him feel to even begin to try to decipher why you avoid his mouth and so, for now, he doesn’t care. Instead, he buries his face in the crook of your neck, nose nuzzling against your throat. You clutch at his hair, tugging at the roots tight enough for him to moan.

“Nnngh, Jungkook━” You whine. “I’m gonna━ Oh, fuck, Koo━”

And then you’re unravelling, right in his very arms. He holds you close as you tremble and shake, rutting your hips sloppily against his to ride out your high, and Jungkook thinks he can definitely get used to this. The familiar burn forms in his stomach and, without even thinking of it, he comes in the confinements of his pants.

But in the heat of the moment, he doesn’t notice quite a lot of things. Neither do you.

So, maybe you could both find a hundred and one reasons why having sex with your best friend would surely cross some lines, but the thing with you and Jungkook (and what would eventually blossom into a hubristic relationship of sorts) is that it wasn’t just sex. You would always be comfortable around him, as he would be with you. And nothing could ever possibly get weird between the two of you ━ not when you had both made a promise to each other that it wouldn’t get in the way of your friendship.

Because ━ while, yeah, he’s hot and suffers from fuckboy tendencies from time-to-time and, aside from random late night hookups ━ he was still the same boy that would drag you out at three in the morning to drive to the next city over for a bowl of ramen, who would marathon shows as long as One Piece or Game of Thrones with you, watching as much as you can in one all-nighter; who would come to your dorm, no matter the time of day, the moment you said you were sick or suffering from cramps, piled high with your favourite snacks; who shared a repertoire of silly inside jokes with you that never made any sense to anyone but the both of you; who insisted you both wear friendship bracelets even in college. He would always be an angel to you, treat you well, because you meant that much to him.

A small thought in the back of Jungkook’s head wonders, above all else, if you were anyone different, would he have even bothered suggesting such a ludicrous idea, drunk or not?

Because he’s positive no one else could make him cum in his pants like a horny prepubescent teen ━ no one except for you.

“If we’re really gonna do this, we need to set some ground rules.”

Admittedly, neither you nor Jungkook knew what would happen after Jungkook’s proposition to you. Maybe you were expecting the two of you to pretend as if nothing had ever happened, or laugh it off as something so inconsequential that neither of you should bother worrying about it. Instead, the very next day, you find that you’re back in Jungkook’s dorm. Only this time, you’re in his bed, and he spent the past half hour sufficiently eating you out.

Now, you’ve had an epiphany in the form of Jungkook’s dick, and that is that it’s big.

You’ve seen it before on occasion ━ like when he streaked nude across campus as a dare or when he needed to use your shower because his apartment was under maintenance and he walked out on you in the living room ━ but this is clearly a very different circumstance. All red, swollen, angry tip wet and glistening with precum. You had to brace yourself as he pushed himself into you, cautiously and slowly, enjoying the way you stretch to fit around him. If you had a drunken excuse the night before for loving the thought of getting off with Jungkook, then you surely don’t have one now. It’s a shameless guilty pleasure, you think, that he’s at least indulging in.

“Rules,” Jungkook scoffs now. “You’re such a nerd. Fuck, you feel so fucking good━ You doing okay?”

More than. Your head lolls back against his pillow, eyes nearly rolling to the back of your head. “Mhm.”

“Want a minute?”

“Maybe.”

Jungkook pauses without any hesitation, gnawing on his lower lip as your walls clench around him so tightly he feels he might fall apart then and there. His hands are on your hips, thumbs rubbing comforting circles against your burning skin. A few deep breaths later and you’re probing Jungkook to move again. His hips rut into yours at a leisure pace, and he marvels for a moment at the way his dick disappears into your pussy, slick and wet with your own arousal. The thought of being in you ━ of finally feeling your walls wrapped around him, all wet and snug ━ is enough to make him bust then and there, but he refrains miraculously.

“Holy fuck,” You groan. “Why are you so big━”

Your voice cuts off into a delightful whimper, walls aching around him. Jungkook snorts, burrowing his face in the crook of your neck. “Nothing sexier than hearing you stroke my ego.”

“Don’t let it get to your already big head,” You retort sluggishly.

“Big head!” he grumbles against your throat, lips brushing faintly against your skin and sending shivers down your spine. “Insult me some more. You know how it gets me going.”

“Oh my god, shut up. Where were we?”

“Rules.”

“Right,” You breathe in a sharp inhale of air as he grinds against your hips. “And rule number one is no kissing. That’s way too intimate.”

Jungkook quirks a brow. “How is kissing more intimate than having my dick in you?”

“It just is.” You refuse to tell him the truth. You poke your fingers at his sides, causing him to jerk against you. “Don’t question it.”

“Fine. Then no sentimental shit in general, like cuddling or pet names,” Jungkook retorts. “And no public displays of affection.”

“Okay,” You nod. “Fuck, Jungkook━”

“God, I love hearing you moan my name,” Jungkook grunts. He watches with fascination the way your face reacts at his every movement. “Too much?”

“No. Kinda hot,” You admit. An abrupt thought pops into your head that has you murmuring hazily, “Oh, and you can’t have sex with me to your sex playlist.”

Jungkook looks appalled. The sex playlist in question is one you’ve heard briefly before, if only because you’ve walked in on Jungkook and his flavour of the month a handful of times one too many times.

“So you’re telling me you don’t want to have the best orgasm of your life to The Weeknd or the Neighbourhood? WAP?” Jungkook asks, wriggling his brows suggestively. “Alanis Morissette?” You have less than half a second to register the 90s pop singer as out of place before Jungkook breaks out into song with a brief rendition of Head over Feet. “You’re my best friend, best friend with benefits━!”

Part of you knows he’s joking, but there’s still a small sliver of you that makes you gawk at him dubiously before dissolving into a fit of unabashed laughter. It rumbles against his chest, vibrates his dick in you. “You’re not serious, are you? That’s not actually in your sex playlist, is it?”

He flashes you a shit-eating grin. “Guess you’ll never know now.”

Another roll of your eyes makes him snicker. He’s gotten used to your snide remarks, but he’ll gladly keep suffering under them if he gets to wipe that taunting smirk off your face each time with the way his dick makes you feel. You cling a little tighter to his shoulders and muse aloud, “So that’s it then?”

“Yeah━” Jungkook knows you’re referring to the rules and your plan, although it’s getting harder to focus on talking as he continues to grind against you. “And nothing has to change between us, even if we stop. We’re still just two best friends.”

“Yup.”

“Who have sex from time to time.”

“Yeah.”

He can’t help himself. He tries again. “Who might kiss.”

“Nope.” You’re smiling even despite the way you shoot him an aggravated stare first.

“We might?”

“No, we definitely won’t.”

Worth a shot, he thinks to himself. At least you really do always keep him in check.

After all, what are best friends for?

So, maybe a part of you thought the shift in your relationship with Jungkook wouldn’t last very long. A week at most, and maybe Hoseok would find you another pointless let down of a blind date to go on and Jungkook would get horny for some other girl ━ but it’s certainly been more than a week now, and you’ve had sex with him more than two times.

A third, and a fourth, if you’re being blatantly honest, and maybe a few more times after that but you don’t really remember what count you’re both on now which should probably be concerning. Days elapse into days, which turn to weeks, then months. Morning, afternoon, and night.

It’s not as if you hadn’t already spent almost every waking moment with Jungkook but now you had a reason to be at his apartment at any and all hours of the day and not solely for movie watching marathons. You’re positive he’s still having his occasional random flings, though you’re fortunate his commitment issues at least force him to go to their homes rather than his for the most part, so you never really have to witness half-naked girls stumbling out of his apartment just as you’re wandering in. He says it has something to do with how his bedroom is his sacred space, though you think it’s more like he wouldn’t want his hook ups discovering his Overwatch figurines or something (because, before Jungkook’s proposition, you’ve walked in on him once and a girl when they were entangled on the couch in his living room).

But you’ve noticed lately you’re getting too comfortable with your arrangement with Jungkook; too comfortable knowing he’ll be there at the end of a long day to greet you, to please you until you’re crying out his name. Sometimes he tells you about the girls he’s texting, or shows you a picture from a hot girl’s Instagram whose D.M.s he’s just slid into. And sometimes you’re left wondering how often he comes straight to you after hooking up with a random girl.

It shouldn’t matter to you, and you swear that it doesn’t.

Maybe you’re just overthinking things. Hoseok certainly seems to think so, but his judgement wasn’t much to go by.

Because, lately, Hoseok has been encouraging you more and more to give Yukhei (the blind date Hoseok had initially set you up with when you found yourself at Jungkook’s) another chance for two reasons: 1) “Yukhei’s a nice boy,” he had cheerfully reminded you, “he’ll treat you well,” and 2) “Stop fucking your best friend. It’s morally wrong.”

There were many things wrong with his statement, from the fact that you didn’t exactly consider standing up a date as “nice” and that you were also still begrudgingly lamenting the way Hoseok had discovered your recent fling with Jungkook (although, you weren’t being very inconspicuous, having shower sex with Jungkook early one morning when you were certain Hoseok would be spending the day at his fiance’s home instead of yours).

But then you meet Yukhei and you realize that, oh crap, he’s cute. And he’s nice.

As it turns out, after bumping into him one day when you’re with Hoseok lounging on the quad of your campus and he comes bounding over to return a textbook Hoseok had lent him for a specific class, Yukhei is so easily charming. He also gives a pretty valid excuse for flaking on your date, proving that he had to present his dissertation, making you clearly aware that he’s cute, nice, and smart. Jungkook, on the other hand, doesn’t see the appeal, yet his curiosity and intrigue seems to get the best of him.

“So that was your blind date?” Jungkook asks after grabbing your attention on the quad and stealing you away from Hoseok and Yukhei. “Yukhei?”

“You know him?”

“Seen him around,” Jungkook shrugs nonchalantly. “I’ve never really talked to him. But him? You’re not telling me you’re actually interested in him, are you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe,” You’re truly just as clueless about your feelings towards Yukhei as Jungkook seems to be. “What’s so wrong about him?”

“He’s━” Jungkook stops. He shakes his head. “Heard he’s got a small dick anyway.”

You shoot the boy a wary look, only to find him grinning deviously at himself. “Maybe he just wants to be friends.”

At this, Jungkook lets out a scoffing sound that borders on disbelieving laughter. “No, I definitely think he wants to have sex with you in his Toyota Camry, Y/N, but what do I know?”

“You’re not jealous, are you?”

“No, why would I be jealous?”

You can’t quite tell if he’s angry or not but, then again, why would he be? As far as either of you are concerned, there’s nothing to be jealous of.

So then why does it feel like he’s simply just telling himself that?

“Are you seriously on your phone right now?”

Jungkook asks this from somewhere behind you a handful of days later, a little peeved but most likely because your jarring 8:00 a.m. alarm had roused the both of you violently awake. In his defense, Jungkook is not a morning person.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” You’re currently sprawled out on your hands and knees on his bed, phone still in your grasp after having plucked it off the nightstand in haste. Your clothes are scattered across the floor of his room, remnant clues of the night before when he had beckoned you over after hours, and your body is covered in nothing but hickeys and an unbuttoned blue flannel belonging to Jungkook that you had chucked on last night that does nothing in covering up the swell of your breasts which Jungkook is now currently eyeing. “Am I not giving you enough attention? Were you expecting cuddles or something? Thought that wasn’t in the rules.”

“No,” Jungkook huffs. He runs a hand through his long messy hair in an attempt to fix it; he ultimately gives up taming his locks, instead using the hair tie around his wrist to tie his hair back into a cute yet sexy little ponytail. As he does so, you notice the red friendship bracelet around his wrist and smile smally. “But my dick could use some cuddles. Preferably with your mouth, but it will also gladly accept your hand.”

Jungkook may not be a morning person but, as you’ve come to realize, his dick certainly is.

It’s painfully obvious too, his hardened length straining against the gray sweatpants he had thrown on at some point. And, god, did he have to wear those? It left little to the imagination, the outline of his length teasing you just enough.

“I should get going,” You say. “I have a test coming up. There’s supposed to be a review session today in class, and I don’t want to miss it.”

“Well, you don’t seem like you’re in a rush since you’re still on your phone,” Jungkook points out. “Who are you texting anyway? Yukhei?”

“Anger is an emotion,” You rebuke casually. “So is jealousy.”

Jungkook feigns a look of mock hurt. “I’m not angry or jealous! I’m needy.”

Still, Jungkook reaches out to swiftly pluck your phone from your hands.

“Jungkook━!”

He’s pressed up against your back in an instant, his dick hard against your ass, and he doesn’t move very far even when you twist in your spot in an attempt to grab your phone back. You don’t, and instead you end up on your back with him on his side, propped up on his elbow. You miss when he casts a swift gaze down at your phone, only to see that Yukhei’s chat messages are indeed open, and something seems to gnaw terribly at his gut before he tosses your phone to the side. He’s looking at you now with those big beautiful eyes of his, and you hate it.

“Please?” he beckons. He ruts his hips impatiently but slowly against your leg. He drops his head to bury his face in the crook of your neck, lips dangerously close to brushing against your flesh but he refrains somehow. “M’so hard right now, could probably bust the moment you touch me.”

The thought is tempting, having a helpless Jungkook cumming in your hands. The sight alone has quickly become your favourite thing, helping the frustrated boy get off. Besides, you’re certain you could ask Hoseok for the review notes.

Fuck it, you cave.

You fidget until you’ve pressed him back against the bed and have clambered on top of him, wiggling your way down to fit between his legs. Jungkook is watching you now with a half-asleep expression, though his teeth sink into his lower lip as you pull at his sweatpants until they’re down at his thighs, letting his swollen dick spring free.

“You know━” You hum. You reach out to grab at the base of his cock. “Yukhei wants to hang out, and Hoseok keeps telling me to give it a shot.”

That much is true. Part of you wants to say yes, if only because Yukhei seems promising enough, but the thought alone is enough for you to feel as if you’ve done something horribly wrong to Jungkook.

“Oh.” The word eclipses Jungkook’s mouth in a shallow breath of air. Then, your mouth wraps around the puffy head of his dick, shining with leaking precum that you swallow back, and Jungkook’s reaction is immediate. Head thrown back, face scrunching together, muscles in his toned abdomen flexing as he seizes and grunts aloud. “Oh, fuck━ Well… Are you gonna?”

Jungkook asks the last question with much difficulty, and a part of him thinks it doesn’t all have to do with how you’re making him feel.

“Dunno.” You snort around his dick, and he marvels at how adorable such a lewd action can seem.

You decide to focus on sucking him off because it truly is a sexy sight to see, letting the topic of Yukhei drop. Jungkook certainly doesn’t mind. As you swirl your tongue around his tip and reach up with your free hand to fondle at his balls, his long hair falls into his lashes but he still tries to find you past his wild locks, hooded eyes gazing down at you.  

“Ah, shit━” Jungkook hisses delightfully, hips jerking forward instinctively into your mouth. The faintest hints of a drowsy smirk tug at his lips. “Fuck, yes, just like that.”

Yeah, you think to yourself then, you’re definitely going to ride him later. Screw going to class.

From: Jungkook Sent: 1:05 a.m.

bro i noticed u werent wearing our friendship bracelet while u were giving me head earlier. is everything ok??

You wake in the morning to a single text from Jungkook ━ and one you had not been expecting.

That’s not to say that getting the occasional text message from Jungkook at any and all hours of the day was abnormal, but the extent of his messages sent anywhere past midnight usually always range from something more coherent in the form of “what would u do if i was there rn?” to something exuding typical lazy Jungkook manner with a simple “dtf?” or “send noods lol” to something even more provocatively cryptic such as the eggplant and splashing water (or, as far as Jungkook is concerned, something else entirely) emojis and nothing else, left open for your own interpretation that typically, usually, without a doubt, results in you in his bed and his dick in you. But this seems to be something else entirely.

Unfortunately, Jungkook’s text isn’t the only concern of yours.

Hoseok has spent the better part of the morning giving you a lecture on why having sex with your best friend is bad. He seems so passionate about the topic that you’re certain he would have pulled out a powerpoint at any moment, each slide ending in a picture of Yukhei and why you should maybe try fucking him instead, if you entertained the idea a little longer. Hoseok claims it’s just a harmless date. Yukhei might be a nice boy, but you don’t know how you feel about him. You don’t want to lead him on, and a scary thought points out the fact that maybe, while Yukhei is a nice boy, he isn’t Jungkook.

“I don’t get why you don’t just give Yukhei a chance━” Hoseok is saying now, sat on the couch in your shared apartment with him. “It’s not like you have to marry him. I don’t think one date will hurt━ Aaand, you’re not even listening to me anymore, are you?”

The sheepish look on your face is enough of an answer for him. You’ve been anxiously eyeing your phone and the text Jungkook had sent you last that you’ve yet to respond to, even despite being awake for more than a few hours now.

“Yes, I am listening,” You say dismissively. “Something about how one date won’t hurt, but that’s what you said when Yoongi asked you out, and you’re literally engaged now.”

The glistening metallic ring on Hoseok’s finger is evidence enough. The boy looks down at it as if seeing it for the first time, purses his lips, and then nods in agreement. “Okay, yeah, maybe you’re right. But you’re holding out for Jungkook and for what? He’s hot, yeah, and he’s your best friend, sure, but at the end of the day he’s still just a horny male who wants to stick his dick in anything that moves.”

“Hoseok.” Your grumbling sigh is interrupted by the motion of your phone vibrating against your thigh once more. You peek at the screen fleetingly to see a new text.

From: Jungkook Sent: 2:35 p.m.

send n00ds?

miss ur tits :(

Typical Jungkook.

The text from the night before is all but seemingly forgotten from his mind, and you can’t quite tell if you’re devastated or relieved. You don’t have very long to discern which emotion you’re feeling when Hoseok snatches your phone to look at what’s gotten your attention before exclaiming suddenly, “Aha! See! What did I say?”

“It’s not like that,” You wave Hoseok off. “Jungkook treats me well. He respects me, and I’m comfortable with him.”

“And how long until whatever this is━” He gestures vaguely to your phone as if to point out your relationship with Jungkook, “has to end? Do you really think a pinky promise is going to make sure your friendship with him isn’t totally ruined? I mean, how can you continue being casual friends with someone, see them dating someone else, when they’ve had their dick in you?”

You know it makes sense. Realistically, you either stop sleeping with each other or it potentially develops into something more. But in both circumstances, what were the chances that either of you didn’t get your heart broken? Maybe a part of you was apprehensive of Jungkook finding the “right” person for him one day that has him ending things with you, and while you swear you’d be happy for him, relationships sometimes have a way of distracting people from those already around them. Were you prepared to have someone take him away from you, platonically and whatever it is else that you have with him? Did you really think you could just keep being friends with him, as if nothing ever occurred between you two?

You don’t think Jungkook is bothered worrying about the state of your friendship with him, much less overthinking it like you seem to be. It shouldn’t be a big deal ━ yet why was there still that terrible nagging voice in the back of your mind? Whether or not Hoseok is right, you don’t want to find out. You don’t have feelings for Jungkook anyway.

But your ability to bend at his every will is certainly interesting.

You grab your phone before Hoseok can do any serious damage like unlocking it and responding to Jungkook, clutching it to your chest as you start to cross the living room. The other boy looks at you in bewilderment. “Where are you going now?”

“Where does it look?” You call over your shoulder just before you disappear into the bathroom, and Hoseok deduces all at once that you’re truly a lost cause. “I need to send him a picture of my boobs.”

“He’s totally into you, Y/N.”

Admittedly, there were many mundane but essentially weird things you’ve talked to Jungkook about while having sex. You’ve had many heated debates about everything under the sun from whether or not pineapple on pizza should be illegal to top five betrayals in either movies or animes, to passionate grand philosophical discussions about what exists outside of the universe.

It’s not as if you had been planning on talking about Yukhei to Jungkook when he had invited you over to his apartment late at night after sending your risqué boob picture to him but, like many things in your friendship with Jungkook, it sort of just happened. He had asked you how your day was and you had decided to broach the topic experimentally, though you think deep down you’re doing it on purpose to see if he’d react in any way. What started with you mentioning Hoseok’s adamance and you sort of genuinely asking Jungkook for advice on Yukhei somehow evolved into Jungkook interrogating you on whether or not you’ve hung out with him yet.

“Jungkook. You’re getting off topic,” You admonish him now, as if your own choice of topic is any better when his dick is currently in you.

Jungkook is wedged between your thighs smushed up against your chest, large palms holding you on your ribcage in place beneath him. He’s a comfortable heavy draped over top of you, cock stretching you wide. You can feel his heart hammering against yours and he’s slick with sweat, golden hair clinging to his forehead and in his pretty eyes. You resist the urge to reach out and brush the messy locks away but, again, how would that be any less intimate of an action than what you’re already doing? Another line uncrossed, you suppose.

“How am I off topic?” Jungkook retorts. “You literally just said you can’t tell if he’s into you but he dropped by when you were done class and bought you lunch. You don’t just do that for a girl you don’t care that much about.”

“You buy me lunch, like, every day,” You point out.

“Because you’re my best friend. Of course I care about you,” Jungkook says.

“Ah, Jungkook━” You curse suddenly, grabbing his attention when you shift your weight beneath him. “You’re crushing me. Why’d you stop moving?”

He doesn’t have an answer, if only because he hadn’t even realized he’d stop moving in the first place. Without hesitation, he continues leisurely rutting his hips against yours, grabbing at one of your legs to hook it around his waist. This new angle lets you feel even more of him as he sinks further into you, if that was even still possible, reaching so far into you that you swear it’s like you can feel him in your stomach. Your head lolls back against the pillows, pure euphoria contorting your face so much so to the point that it distracts you entirely from the distant look glazing over Jungkook’s eyes.

“Yukhei definitely wants to bang,” he huffs under his breath.

At once, an exasperated groan fills his ears.

“I can’t believe we’re seriously having this conversation right now,” You roll your eyes, fingers prodding at his sides. “I don’t wanna talk about Yukhei potentially wanting to have sex with me.”

Jungkook’s glad you said it, at least. Though now he’s watching you with hooded eyes as he thrusts into you a little harder, maybe a little intentionally. His indulgent gaze droops to your breasts, admiring the way they bounce beneath him each time his hips make contact with yours. He thinks back earlier in the day to the picture you had sent him which, really, had sparked the mood for the rest of the night.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” he whines abruptly. His eyes screw shut and brows furrow together as your walls clench around him. He drops his head to bury his face in your chest, lips momentarily wrapping around one of your nipples as he sucks harshly at the soft flesh. When he speaks next, forehead still resting against your collarbones, his voice is a breathless croak, “Well, do you like him?”

“No,” You moan. “Maybe━ Fuck, Koo━ I don’t know.”

“He’s gonna be at that party Tae’s throwing, isn’t he?” Jungkook tries to focus, but it’s becoming increasingly harder to do so when he’s inching closer and closer to his high. “Shit, ah, Y/N━ Why don’t you try talking to him or something? See how the night goes?”

“He’s nice but I don’t think he’s the one for me,” You admit sheepishly. “I think I’m just gonna end things while I still can, with as little harm as possible.”

“Well, glad that’s settled,” Jungkook mumbles. “Can we please stop talking about Yukhei now?”

You seem to miss the way he clings to you a little tighter, hands flying down to grip at your hips, nails digging crescent moon shapes into your skin. He snaps his hips into yours a little faster this time, your pussy throbbing around him.

“Nngh, Jungkook━”

Your hands fumble to grip at his hair, tugging tightly at the roots and earning a delightful hiss from the boy. Your own mouth drops open in a silent moan and it’s a wonder he doesn’t combust at just how sexy the sight is. He hates how his eyes stay trained on the shape of your lips, the soft plumpness of them. He’s felt them wrapped around his dick plenty of times before but he concedes that it’s probably hardly anywhere near to how it would feel to kiss you. Like actually kiss you, tongue and all.

God, what’d he give just to smother your lips with his.

And, god, he hopes you never find out. He’s positive that thought is far more scandalous alone than anything you’ve ever done together.

You’re writhing beneath him now, hips jutting forward desperately to meet his. “I’m gonna cum, Jungkook━”

“Fuck, yes,” Jungkook growls. “Wanna feel you cream around my cock so bad. Come on, baby━”

In the heat of the moment, you seem to miss the pet name that slurs off his tongue and the sentiment in it. A few more jolting slams of his hips and you’re tumbling over the edge. He has to sputter for air when he feels your pussy wrapping so tightly around him, stuttering in his pace above you if only to watch as you unravel beneath him. Hooded dark eyes glazed over in that perfect fucked out expression he loves so much, teeth biting at your lower lip so hard he wonders if it’ll bruise in the morning.

A sudden thought pops into his head when you’ve settled enough, amongst the blinding pure white of bliss that clouds his thoughts. “Did you get my text by the way? The one I sent last night?”

You gasp for air. The bracelet on your wrist itches at the mention of it, and you’re fortunate you decided to wear it that afternoon before coming to Jungkook’s. “Y-Yeah━”

“Well…?”

“Everything’s fine,” You say this as dismissively as you can. Your core is still vibrating after the harsh impact of your orgasm paired with Jungkook’s swollen length still in you. “I just… I was taking a shower and didn’t want to get it wet. I forgot to put it back on in the morning.”

That’s a lie. You had mostly taken it off as part of an experiment, though it hasn’t answered much. At least Jungkook doesn’t seem to realize that.

“Oh,” Jungkook breathes. A beat of silence passes, before he deadpans cockily, “Wait, you were taking a shower and I wasn’t invited?”

“Oh my god, shut up━” Maybe if he hadn’t just currently driven you to nirvana and back, you’d notice the way the sloppy grin on his face is a simple taunt. But you’re much too distracted to care. Instead, you use your leg that’s still hooked around his waist to gently push and roll him onto his back so that you can straddle his hips. His eyes sparkle mischievously as he watches you waste no time in hurrying to grind against him at an agonizingly steady pace that makes his head spin. “You’re ruining the moment. I’m trying to make you cum.”

A devious cackle rumbles from his chest, albeit a little contented at the same time. Yeah, he definitely likes the sound of that. “Well then, by all means, don’t let me stop you.”

It’s only then that his question comes back into your mind. If he felt the need to ask you again about the bracelet, maybe that meant something after all. At the very least, it means he hadn’t forgotten about it altogether. On the other hand, you wonder how often he had spent thinking, or over-thinking, the issue in the past twenty-four hours, if at all.

Was it wrong to feel some semblance of joy over that potential fact? Probably.

That doesn’t seem to bother you much this time. Not when he’s gazing up at you as if you’re some divine sexy goddess, all his to enjoy. You can’t help yourself; you reach down to brush the sweaty hair from his eyes, perhaps all too gentle of an action for best friends.

And he smiles, maybe a little too softly and maybe a little too ardently if you look close enough.

He smiles.

The thing about your supposed “rules” with your relationship with Jungkook is that there might be a few loose ends that neither you nor Jungkook pay much attention to sometimes.

But that’s neither here nor there.

Mostly, the “no public displays of affection” clause is easily disregardable. It’s typically when you’re too drunk to remember it and a bit needy, craving one another’s touch, but those around you never truly seem to care or even notice because, if you’re lucky, they’re equally as smashed. Sometimes the “no cuddles” clause blurs into a gray area where it’s simply just you and Jungkook post-sex, sprawled out in his bed, not necessarily wrapped up in one another’s arms and cooing sweet nothings to one another but giggling at nothing in particular except one another as you bask in each other’s company and nothing more. You suppose some rules are meant to be broken.

For the most part, Jungkook never seems to question the no kissing rule you were so adamant in insisting. Not until one night in which you’re left wondering where things go so drastically wrong. It starts off as normally as any other day with you and Jungkook can, spent in his apartment binge watching movies. You hadn’t expected that night to switch as suddenly as it does when Jungkook shoots you a text earlier in the day asking if you want to come to his for a night of casual drinking as simply “best friends.” But, as always, one thing seems to lead to another, and you can’t get enough of Jungkook. Maybe it’s in the way he holds you a little tighter, the way he tugs you onto his lap on the sofa in his living room, the way he grips your thighs with a certain type of insatiable desire.

“You know…” he hums. “You drive me insane. In, like, the best way possible.”

Part of you realizes his actions even without him seeming to, and the drunken smile on your face remaining frozen in place, a little dumbfounded. “Jungkook…”

“When I’m with you…” He lifts his stare to look at you, but you have nothing to say. Neither does he. Instead, you’re left grinning at one another and suddenly your face is warm. He leans towards you, his nose nuzzling against the side of your throat. Your hands stay threaded in his hair now, and he swears he feels you secure your grip as if to pull him closer.

You can feel his lips brush faintly against your skin, grazing along your neck to the underside of your jaw. Up, up, up, until━

It’s just as his mouth meets with the corner of yours that you register what he’s doing, even in your clouded state. You turn your head just in time, and he comes to an immediate halt, his lips barely making contact with your cheek instead before he pulls away. He doesn’t move very far but you also don’t push him away just yet. Instead, you shift your head to look at him, still inches apart from him.

“What are you doing?” You ask. He can’t quite tell if you’re appalled or not, an empty expression staring back at him.

“I━ You━” He fumbles over his words, squeezes his eyes shut. He blames it on the alcohol even though his head is swimming with thoughts that seem to only concern you. But then a fierceness seems to stir within him, one that makes his jaw clench as he meets your stunned stare. The question rolls off his tongue without meaning to. “Is this about Yukhei?”

“What?”

“Is that why you weren’t wearing our bracelet the other day?”

The question is so ridiculous, you have to laugh. “What are you going on about?”

But Jungkook doesn’t see what’s so funny and so he tries again, his persistence taking hold. “Is that why you won’t ever let me kiss you?”

You blink. Then, you’re shaking your head at him. Exasperation hangs heavy in your words, shaping in the form of a tired scoff. “You’re not serious.”

You’ve slithered off of his lap before he can even think to stop you ━ but if he had, would you have even stayed? You’re mad, but he doesn’t know why. “No, I wanna know. Because if what we have is already so meaningless, what makes a kiss any different?”

“Jungkook…”

“So I wanna know,” he says, brows unconsciously knitting together. His gaze is searching yours desperately, as if begging for an answer he’ll want to hear. But he knows he’s being an idiot, a small sober part in him makes him realize that. “Humour me. Have you had sex with him yet?”

“Oh my god. I can’t believe that’s what you’re on about.” Suddenly, you’re frowning. Your hardened stare meets the boy’s and the irritation that scrunches at your face makes him wince, but it’s too late for him to take back the damage that he’s done. “Yeah, Jungkook, we fucked in his stupid Toyota that you hate so much and he choked me and I liked it. He did all sorts of dirty things to me. Is that what you want to hear?” The sardonic tone hisses at his ears, but he bites back his words, the sober part in him doing some decent good by shushing him. “No, Jungkook, we didn’t fuck. We haven’t even gone on a date, and I don’t even know if I want to, and you think I’m throwing myself at him.”

“But you wanna.”

“You’re being an idiot,” You admonish. “I’m going home. Talk to me when you’re sober.”

He has just enough time to watch you turn on your heel, march towards his door, when he scrambles to his feet. The weight of his words and actions finally seem to dawn on him, hitting him harshly in the face and in the heart.

“Fuck, wait! Wait━” he gasps.

He chases after you, hand reaching out to press his palm against the door before you can shimmy it open. He’s fortunate when you turn to look at him, though your arms are folded impatiently over your chest.

“You’re right. I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad,” he promises earnestly. Then, he lets out a frustrated groan. “I just… What if we… Shit, what if we stop for right now? Y’know… Hooking up. Whatever this is.”

He gestures vaguely between the two of you with his hands, a wearied look plastering his face.

You hate to admit how his words seem to affect you. They bite at the air, leave you breathless as you gawk at him, but the harsh realization of it all is that you were never his to have and he was never yours. Hoseok had been right when he said these things were bound to come to an end ━ so why did it seem to hurt you so much?

A beat of prolonged silence passes between the two of you. Jungkook runs a hand through his chaotic blonde hair, digging the heel of his palm into his temple as if to rid himself of a headache he’s no doubt sporting. Maybe you’re waiting for a better explanation, but he gives none, and you don’t feel as if you have the right to ask why. He’s not your boyfriend, for god’s sake. It’s not like he’s breaking your heart.

Instead, you take a deep breath and say, “Okay.”

“Okay.” It’s all that he says in return.

So then why does it feel like he is?

When Jungkook had promised that if your fling with him ended you would go back to being untainted best friends, he was apparently lying.

A part of you can’t believe the sheer nerve of him to ghost you in his traditional fuckboy ways, and yet he does. You suppose not entirely, at the very least. Part of it ends up with you being even more vexed by his sudden shift in emotion, and the tangible tension that rises between the two of you should have been dealt with properly, yet neither of you do anything about it, leaving your friendship stagnant and stale for a week. After all, how are you really supposed to go back to “just friends” when you’ve seen his dick one too many times?

You refrain from telling Hoseok, if only so you don’t have to hear him tell you he told you so ━ but you also decide to give Yukhei that one chance, and so you think Hoseok wouldn’t mind so much anyway.

Admittedly, when Yukhei asks to hang with you at Taehyung’s eventual party, you aren’t entirely too keen, but you accept it if only because you heard Jungkook will be there too. For the majority of the night, you don’t see the boy, and you spend the hours cozying up with Yukhei in a conversation that dulls you. As it would appear, it seems to bore Yukhei too, but you only notice that when he starts touching you on your waist and the small of your back. There’s a moment where he leans his head close enough to yours that you realize he’s trying to kiss you, resulting in an awkward encounter in which you push him away, palms on his chest.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. The answer is obvious enough to you, but you don’t think you should tell him for his own dignity. That, instead, all you can imagine is Jungkook in his place. “Should we get out of here?”

“Y/N. Can I talk to you?”

You’re both fortunate yet horrified when you hear Jungkook’s voice. He’s standing just behind you, his own stare devoid of any emotion, though his brows furrow and his jaw clenches in a signature Jungkook manner that you know means he’s pissed. He hardly acknowledges Yukhei, nodding in his general direction. You don’t remember if you leave Yukhei there or if he leaves, or if Jungkook even gives a poor attempt of an excuse to the boy, but you’ve not so much as uttered a single word or let out an exhalation of air, when Jungkook ultimately pulls you off to the side where it’s just you and him once more.

“I’m not sucking your dick in Tae’s grimy bathroom, if that’s what you want,” You scowl once Yukhei is out of earshot. “You’ve lost the privilege that is my mouth.”

“That’s not━” Jungkook shakes his head, exasperated. “That’s not what I want. I just━ I’ll take you home. Please?”

You know the offer is much more than him simply walking you the route to your dorm, which you already know like the back of your hand. Yet, you don’t argue. Truthfully, it’s a relief when Jungkook lugs you out of the party. The entire venture back to your apartment is treacherous, in the way that you’re left sobering up enough to the point that your dizzying thoughts become more coherent. Hoseok is gone for the weekend at least, spending the days with his fiance, so you don’t have to worry about humiliating yourself in front of your roommate when it comes to Jungkook.

You’ve barely made it through your front door when you’re grumbling aloud, “What do you want, Jungkook?”

“I wanna talk,” he says firmly. “About us. About Yukhei.”

“Maybe I don’t want to.” But that’s a lie. Talking to Jungkook, even despite masquerading your annoyance for him, is a blessing in disguise. You’ve missed the idiot, and hearing his voice. “Besides, you told me to give him a chance.”

“And you said you didn’t want to.”

“Maybe I changed my mind.”

“Yeah, you sure seemed like you loved it when he was trying to shove his tongue down your throat,” Jungkook retorts bitterly. “C’mon, Y/N. We both know that’s a lie.”

“You know, you’ve been a real dick lately.”

A sliver of a smirk tugs at Jungkook’s face. “I thought you love dick.”

Clearly, his poor attempt at a joke doesn’t land well with you. “Why do you even care so much if Yukhei and I get together? Stop acting so high and mighty and moral, Jungkook. It’s not like you’re some virgin saint. How many times have I heard you talk about all those girls you’ve fucked? And what was I? Just another notch in your belt this whole time?”

“What?” Jungkook gasps now, as if disbelieving you would ever think such a thing. “No! You’re not just another notch. I would never even think about you that way. And I haven’t had sex with anyone else but you this whole time and I easily could have.”

“Wow! Such a martyr,” You remark dryly. When you speak next, you meet his stare with your own crestfallen gaze. “I just want my best friend back.” Your words hurt him more than you think, but he can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. “You’re the one who tried to kiss me, then suggested we stop whatever it is we’re doing━”

Jungkook flinches. “I know.”

“Then you ignore me for days even though you promised nothing would change━”

“I know,” he says desperately. He closes the distance between the two of you, yearning to reach out and touch you. Instead, he clamps his eyes shut, trying with all his might to focus when the room feels like it’s spinning.

“And then you get mad when Yukhei tries to make a move. It’s like you’re jealous or something!”

“I am.” He can’t take it anymore. The words tumble from his lips in a rush that he hardly bothers to bite back.

“Why?”

“Because━ Because━” He struggles to form his thoughts into words, stumbling over his sentence. Fuck, he’s never like this. Even you can tell. He grits his teeth next. “I lean in to kiss you and you look at me as if I’m out of my mind. I just don’t get it. You don’t want me to kiss you but you let me put my dick in your ass.”

The taut line of your lip quivers as you break. “That was one time and you didn’t even get all the way in!”

“Y/N.” Jungkook hums now. He’s gazing at you a little softly, reaching out to place his hands on your waist. “Look, I know I’ve been an idiot. But lately, when I touch you, I fucking feel so alive and the thought of Yukhei doing anything with you when it isn’t me, who should be with you, makes me want to vomit. And when I wake up in the morning alone, I only want you next to me. And I can’t be the only one feeling that way. If I am, tell me. Right now. Please. I just wanna know why you won’t ever let me kiss you, but you let me do all sorts of things with you. Am I really that repulsive?”

Another moment of silence stifles the room. Jungkook is so close to you now, you can’t help yourself. You reach up to tug at the collar of his shirt, fingers twisting in the material as you lean your forehead out of frustration against his shoulder and he instinctively lets his arms slither around your waist, holding you to him. Then━

“No.”

“What?”

“I only made the rule because I don’t want you to kiss me unless you mean it,” You murmur into his chest. “Like really, really mean it. Like I’m more than just a notch in your belt. Because I want to kiss you so badly, and I’m already in love with you but then I’ll really be in love with you and I don’t want to get my heart broken.”

The anticipation kills you, awaiting his response. You refuse to lift your head, until you hear him grumble, “You’re so fucking stupid.”

“Me?”

The retort is filled with your typical jestering hostility as you finally look at him. But just as you do so, Jungkook’s reaching out to grasp at your face, rough hands all soft and gentle as they cradle your cheeks, guiding you towards him and smoothing his lips over yours until you melt like putty in his hands.

Kissing Jungkook, you deduce at once, is not at all how you imagined it.

It’s everything and more. You’ve felt his mouth on you before but in much different circumstances. Between your legs, on your throat, down past the valley of your breasts ━ and each kiss then had been feral, sloppy, rough. Now, it’s sweet and tender, the feeling of his lips as soft as how he makes your heart feel. And the butterflies━ god, the butterflies.

Impatient hands tug and pull at one another until you’ve both stumbled into your room and onto your bed. He’s clambered over top of you, lips struggling to not part throughout the whole ordeal, until he’s wedged himself between your thighs.

Only then does Jungkook part from you just enough in the next moment, lips brushing against yours, as he whispers ardently, “I mean it.”

Then he’s kissing the corner of your lips down to the underside of your jaw, his mouth grazing along your skin in a feathery touch. His hands help you shed your shirt, and the bra underneath. “I mean it when I kiss you here.”

Then he drops his head to your neck, kissing at the base of your throat, before nipping at it lightly. “And here.”

Your hands come to thread in his hair, tugging at the roots. He burrows his face lastly in your chest, snatching the nipple of one of your breasts between his teeth. “Here…”

You’re so soft and supple beneath his hands, all his to love and explore.

“I want you, all of you,” he mumbles. “Only you.”

“Oh, Koo…”

A pretty moan tumbles from your mouth, and he could nearly cry. He had surely thought you were far past the point of enraged, far past the point of pensive words shaped in a heartfelt apology to bring you back to him. But then hearing you rasp his name ━ the little cute nickname that only you call him ━ makes him so goddamn remorseful.

He smothers your lips with his once more, groaning into your mouth. “I’m such a fucking dick. I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t say that,” You whine.

“I’m sorry,” he laments. He bites at your lower lip, suckling against it. “Please let me make it up to you.”

“You already have.”

“But I’ve been such a shitty friend,” he groans. It’s hard to focus when he’s pressing his hips against yours, the forming bulge in his pants straining against the inside of your thigh. “I should’ve known when to stop. I shouldn’t have even suggested the whole thing in the first place, because then I wouldn’t have messed us all up.”

“Jungkook,” Your grip tightens in his hair. “Jungkook━ I want you so bad. Just wanna be yours.”

“Yeah?” His breath is warm as it fans against your neck. You rub your core eagerly against him, throbbing pussy so close to making contact with his dick.

“Yeah,” You mewl.

“What do you want from me?”

“You. Wanna feel your dick in me, please,” Your fingers tug at the top of his jeans, prodding at the muscles on his abdomen. “In my mouth. Can make you feel better, Koo, I promise. Just wanna be your good girl.”

“Mmm, I like the sound of that.”

He lets you push him until he’s on his back and you’re straddling his hips. Your limbs entangle with his as you shed the rest of your clothes, your own hands wandering up and down the front of his body after he’s tossed his shirt onto the floor. Then he watches as you shimmy your way down his body. You’re so zealous in pleasing him, wrapping your hand around the base of his dick, head angry and red, dribbling pearly beads of precum down the shaft and over the bulging vein that lines it. You run your thumb over the tip and down, spreading the sticky fluid over him. He grunts in response, nearly jolting at your touch, as his head drops back against his shoulders.

“Oh, fuck,” he growls.

You pump him slowly, taking you time as your closed fist glides up and down his length. He shudders each time your hand reaches the base, and becomes so carried away with your leisure teasing that his eyes are screwed shut and misses the way you dip down to kiss at the tip of his cock. His eyes immediately flutter open, a flustered expression painting his face. You lap again at the head, saltiness coating your tongue, and you let out a simpering moan that has him quivering. And when you wrap your mouth entirely around his cock, sinking down along his length, he swears he’s about to fall apart. Your eyes flicker upward to meet him and the moment they lock, so sexy and dark, he has to look away for fear of busting right then and there. He reclines back against the bed once more, his hand flying out to grab at your hair.

“You’re so good to me, baby,” he rasps.

He can feel the curve of your lips against his cock as you suck him off. You do so well, too. Puffing your cheeks out, taking as much of him as you can until it feels as if he’s hitting the back of your throat. Then, you’ll suck at the tip of his cock, tongue swirling rapidly around, as your fist rubs his shaft. It’s a beautiful mix, one that inches him closer and closer to his high, and each time you switch he has to hold it together to not let go so soon. He wants to enjoy it, needs to bask in it. Your pretty mouth doing such sinful things, making him feel as if he were in heaven.

“Shit━” His hips jut forward to meet with your mouth, accidentally hitting the back of your throat without warning. You gag a little, but don’t pull away, and when he apologizes to you hastily, you only moan in response. A thought pops into his head that has him beckon aloud, “Will you be a good girl and let me fuck your mouth? Huh, baby?”

You hum in approval, eyes shimmering with glee.

So, he plants both hands in your hair, grabs at the sides of your head, and as you hollow out your cheeks, he bucks into your mouth. He does it again and again, listening to your crescendoing mewls of delight, forming a sticky mess of drool and cum that spills onto your chin.

“God, you’re so good,” Jungkook grunts. He’s a complete wreck, eyes screwing shut, blonde tresses spilling into his lashes. The muscles in his abdomen twitch with each sharp inhale of air he takes, so mesmerized by the shape of your pretty mouth around his dick, like you were made for him. “Such a good girl, huh?”

He fucks himself into your mouth roughly, frantically. Tears start to prick at your eyes from holding your breath, yet you keep yourself together just a little longer for him, lashes fluttering shut tightly.

“All mine too,” Jungkook hisses. “Wouldn’t let Yukhei do this to you, would you? Fuck, I’m━”

With your head left immobile stuck in his grasp, you hum in disapproval instead. You know he’s close when you start to hear him panting breathily. When he cums, it’s with a fractured whine and in short hot bursts onto your tongue and down your throat. You swallow as much as you can and, when he parts from you with a resonating lewd pop, you wipe away with your knuckles at the rest of his cum leaking out of the corner of your mouth and onto your chin. Dark hooded eyes meet with yours, a mischievous glint captivating them. You crawl over to him, straddling his hips once more, chasing his mouth with yours. Your own lips are so wet, coated in saliva and cum, bruised plump, but yet you’re smiling so innocently past the way he can taste himself on his tongue.

A dazed thought pops into your head that has you murmuring wistfully against him, “Say it again. I like hearing you call me baby.”

“Hmm? What about when I call you my good girl?” Jungkook nips at your lips. He grasps at your waist, flipping you over until you’re on your back beneath him. “You treat me so well, baby; you’re my only girl, you know that.”

A contented sigh sounds from you as you rut your hips in thinning desperation to meet his, so close to rubbing against his dick nestled against his thigh. He licks at his fingers hastily, reaching between the two of you to press against your clit, rubbing leisurely at the soft bundle of nerves. He’s learned how to navigate your body after months of supposed emotionless fucking, but now? Now, he felt as if his heart may just burst through his chest. Every reaction you make to his every touch ━ the needy plea to have him make you his, call you baby ━ makes him want to see more, and more.

“Am I?” You ask hoarsely. He grasps at his dick, guiding his tip to your core, so slick and wet, glistening with your own arousal. As he pushes himself in with a hiss, he watches as you contort beneath him. “Nnngh, Jungkook━”

“Fuuck,” he groans. He sinks into you, spreading your thighs further and further apart, until his hips make contact with yours. His mouth attacks yours with a feverish passion, the rumble of his moans and your whimpers muffling against one another. Then, he remembers to answer your awaiting question, barely audible between the way his tongue lavs at yours. “You are. I’m so fucking in love with you. But I don’t deserve you.”

Your hands tug impatiently at his hair. “Stop saying that.”

“But it’s true,” he hums. He’s quick to start rutting at your hips in a steady yet agonizing pace, dick burrowing into your pussy as your walls throb and shake. He can’t help but watch, mesmerized as always by the way his length slips past your folds and disappears into you. Again, and again, and again, so lewdly destroying your pretty cunt. “Just want Yukhei to touch you all over instead, don’t you?”

“No,” You croak.

You spread your thighs instinctively wider apart, allowing him to sink even further into you until it feels as if he’s hitting you so far in your stomach. Each roll of his hips is punctuated by the crude noise of skin against skin, sending you spiralling.

“Want him to do all sorts of dirty things to you, huh?”

“N-No. Fuck, Jungkook━ Harder, please━”

“That’s what you said,” Jungkook retorts. Still, he listens to your pleas, snapping his hips into yours roughly enough to send you jolting back on the bed. His hands start to roam your body, pinching at your hips, then grasping ferociously at one of your breasts. “Want him to fuck you in his car, right?” His palm feels like fire as it slides up past your collarbones to your throat. “Want him to choke you.”

His hand comes to wrap around the underside of your jaw on your throat, thumb and index finger pressing against the pressure points there. He squeezes, though with barely any force, just enough to feel your rapid pulse beneath his digits in a way that makes you so suddenly hyper aware of everything he’s doing to you. Cock stretching you wide, palm heavy around your throat, mouth folding over yours. So caught up in the overwhelming sensations you’re feeling, you can’t tell if he’s genuinely upset with himself, though you suspect part of him is. You can sense it in the way he clings to you a little tighter, can see it laced within his dazzling pupils.

Jungkook huffs, hair flopping into his eyes as he grits his teeth and ruts his hips faster into you if only to see more of your pretty little reactions. Your jaw unhinges at the feeling, head falling back onto the pillows. “He could probably treat you nicer too.”

You shake your head wildly, fingers digging into the skin on his shoulders. “Just want you, Koo.”

“Still?” he asks. His grip on your neck fastens a little more, pure euphoria riddling all your senses and making you writhe beneath him. “God, you’re such a dumb little slut, aren’t you?”

You nod in your groggy exhaustion, the familiar burn coiling in your stomach, making your toes curl.

Jungkook feels your own high approach. Your walls are clenched so tightly around him, he has to sputter for air. “Could he make you feel like this?”

“No, Koo,” You whine. “Only you.”

“Yeah?” Jungkook growls. “Good girl. Gonna cum around my dick like the good little slut you are?”

Your hips ricochet upwards to meet his, relentless pounding into your core. “Please, please━”

Jungkook quickens his pace until you’ve deteriorated into absolute shambles, whimpering his name after each thrust. You tumble towards your high, cuming around his length as he burrows it into you again and again, and all he can think is mine, mine, mine. As you unravel beneath him, he slides his hand off of your throat and slithers it underneath you and around your waist, hoisting you slightly enough off the bed so that he can reach his own orgasm. He’s a little more frantic now, sloppy and restless as he pummels into you.

“Shit, baby━” he cries out. “Oh, fuck, you’re so good━”

As you come down from your high enough, you somehow manage to murmur drowsily, “Cum in me, Koo. Wanna feel it.”

You grab at his face, pulling him down to catch his lips on yours, and the thought is so tempting he can’t refuse. He gets so lost in your lips, cuming with one final slam of his hips into yours and a chorus of curses mingling with your name in whimpers. He rides out both of your highs with a few half-hearted thrusts, more concerned with kissing you in useless open-mouthed kisses as your own mouth parts with one last weary moan while he fills you up.

When he’s spent, he collapses against your chest, and you collapse onto the bed. It’s quiet long enough for the both of you to calm the shrill beat of your hearts when you feel Jungkook stir, moving to part from you, pulling his dick from your swollen pussy and planting a lingering peck on your cheek. He disappears momentarily but returns a few seconds later, towel in hand which he uses to wipe at your core now leaking with his cum and your heart croons at all his tender touches.

It makes you realize all at once that, god, yes, you’re so in love with your idiot best friend and he’s so in love with you.

“Jungkook.”

He turns to look at you, an adoring smile dancing upon his lips when he sees your own radiant beaming face. You beckon him over and he relents, letting you pull him into your arms. He nuzzles his face in the crook of your neck as he wraps his own arms around you to tug you closer to his side. As your fingers come to rake through his sweaty hair, he cranes his neck to follow your hand and hear him coo against your neck, “That feels so good.”

A sudden thought crosses your mind that has you smirking smally to yourself. “Are we… Are we cuddling? Jungkook, I thought you didn’t like cuddling. Said it was, and I quote, sentimental bullshit.”

“I never liked it because it wasn’t with you. Didn’t wanna waste my time on someone that wasn’t you,” Jungkook hums, matter-of-fact. You can tell he’s a little embarrassed at the way you so casually taunt him about such an obvious fact, though he’s fortunate you can’t see him smiling like a complete fool. “And I wanna do all that sentimental bullshit with only you. Now, shush━” He scolds you playfully. “M’so tired and I just wanna hold you tight.”

“Can’t argue with that.” Your heart leaps in your chest. “Just promise me one thing?”

It’s only then that he lifts his sleepy gaze to find yours, apprehensive of any potentially looming severity in your words. “Anything.”

Instead, all he can find is the way you trace your finger along the details of his face, from his nose, to his cheekbones, down to the freckle under his lip with the hand that sports your friendship bracelet. “In the morning, when we wake up, you’ll still be here to hold me tight. And every other morning after that.”

His smile widens even more, if that was even possible. “Wouldn’t want it any other way. But━”

“But?”

“On one condition.”

“What’s that?”

His eyes sparkle cheekily. “Kiss me.”

So, you do, again and again and again; and Jungkook thinks, yeah, he certainly can get used to this.

It takes you a month to cave in to Jungkook’s incessant pleas to fuck you to his sex playlist. You do it mostly to humour him, though part of you is a little bit intrigued at the thought.

Stowed away in his room, he eats you out to the choruses of sultry The Weeknd and raunchy Ariana Grande songs, fucks you to the likes of the Neighbourhood and Kim Petras while you’re on all fours, and you’re only half-paying attention to the music until you hear it. Admittedly, you almost completely miss it but you blame Jungkook and the way he’s making you currently feel, sprawled out beneath him, chests pressed flush against one another in a sweaty, sticky mess, breathy and glorious moans of your name filling your ears when━

“I had no choice but to hear you. You stated your case time and again━”

The dulcet chime of Alanis Morissette thrums about the room, a complete and utter shift in contrast in the atmosphere that has you immediately pausing.

“Jungkook.” But he knows what you set out to say even before you do, judging by the tone in your voice and the stifling smirk on his face. You gawk at him, biting at your lip to hide your laughter but you fail miserably. “You weren’t joking?”

He shrugs innocently, leaving you just as dumbfounded as you were two seconds ago. Instead, he says, “Gotta do what I promised then, don’t I?”

You quirk a brow. “What was that exactly?”

“Gotta give you the best orgasm of your life.”

“If you can do that to cheesy 90s pop, I’ll have your actual babies, Jungkook.” The effort is endearing and impressive, to say the least.

A roll of your eyes is met with a taunting roll of his hips into yours that wipes the jest off your face immediately. He grins like a madman, uttering a little stupidly, and a little ardently, “Say no more.”

Because, all things considered and joking aside, he wants it with you ━ the dazed daydreamy talk of a future together and kids, friendship bracelets, and cuddles in the morning. Because you mean the world to him and more. Because you’re his best friend, and he’s so madly in love with you.

Because he wants it all with you.

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