#like i sensed a disconnect between them and their audience as time went on but holy shit. what the fuck were they thinking

[ghost--bot]

here we go

[batboyblog]

Interesting thing to consider regarding our situation from Magdi Jacobs. She’s been fairly levelheaded so far about all this. The Pandemic really did change us all and how we perceive things.

The constant stressful vigilance we all needed during the pandemic is still in effect from that era, and that’s why there’s such a disconnect between what we see and feel as true:

https://x.com/magi_jay/status/1812531377184653581?s=46&t=9ilK5pqP73XDblTtTbb4Qg

I don't disagree with her, and I know for a fact she also agrees with what I have to say here:

Covid is part of it, maybe it is its own thing, maybe it super charged something that had been happening in slow-mo before

but I think algorithmic social media is breaking all our brains and Covid locked SO many of us inside with it for a year and a half or so where our only "human" contact was through social media and that was NOT helpful

There's lots of studies about social media and anxiety and depression, we know algorithms intentionally put stories/posts that upset you into your feed, we know that social media causes negative polarization.

speaking just of my own experience on twitter over the last two weeks it really challenges your sense of reality, twitter very quickly forms a group think about a current event and it becomes overwhelming, also it destroys any sense of time and prospective, so nothing is allowed to just be bad it has to be THE WORST THING EVER! and from the debate and now Trump's fist pump after getting shot at everything is NOW! the election is not 4 months away with all the events that will take over the news, people are voting just this second and only based on this news story rn! AAHHHH!!! !

by its short form nature twitter makes it feel as if people are having a conversation with you, but your ability to reply and question their statements is limited and I think that makes for extreme anxiety if the group think challenges your understanding of events/reality. So Joe Biden had a bad debate night, sounded bad, looked bad, he was a sick, jet lagged, overworked, old man and looked and sounded like all of that. Oh well, but the group think quickly shifted to "this is the worst thing ever, he clearly has dementia!" and you were bombarded by that over and over, in more and more shrill and condescending tones. And it became very stress inducing because people were seeing something you didn't see and insisting "don't believe your eyes and ears! believe my hot takes!" and you felt like you were losing your mind.

This is one current event but this happens on social media all the time, twitter is bad, TikTok is worse.

I also think for "younger" (under 40?) people raised on reality TV, and more so instagram, Facebook, now TikTok picture and video based social media there's a, life as reality TV show quality, an unspoken performance and need to make our lives seem perfect for an unseen (and not real) audience, and also to be seen as having the right views, but living in quick sand where liking or using anything could become a problem at any point and having to keep up endlessly. I also think this is intensely anxiety producing and also just debilitating, I don't think you can DO anything good in the world with that mindset

final thought: I've said for awhile I think why you see so many people declaring the economy is bad, regularly saying its historically, Great Depression levels bad, when it is in fact really good, as near to full employment as we've ever had lots of great economic indicators is left over Covid trauma.

We all went through a scary, sad, upsetting time in our lives. But because we ALL did if nothing happened to you particularly, you didn't get hospitalized, don't have long Covid, no one you're close with died and you couldn't be there for them, it might feel like "nothing" happened. So people are reaching for a "logical" reason for that edgy, sad, nervous, upset, unhappy feeling they can't get rid of. Normally that comes from economic anxiety, fear of not having enough money, or losing a job etc. So many people are reporting that they think the national economy is terrible while saying they think they themselves are doing well, that their local or state economy (that they see an interact with) is doing good, while the nation is doing bad, somehow. People are spending like they're doing well as well, never had it so good, never felt so bad.

I suspect its because we're all still dealing with Covid feelings, and thanks to social media, the death of common spaces, political radicalization, we never really came together and drew a line under Covid, it just kinda sputtered out and we slowly went back to our lives like nothing happened.

[david-talks-sw]

Since people were talking about it recently: is there any official reason given of why Padme forgave Anakin immediatly after the Tusken Raider massacre? I always see a lot of diferent reasons given on the internet, from long and deep analises of theirs characters to "the writers didn't think about it".

Okay, folks (or single person who messaged me three times) I'm finally talking about this XD !

I got no official answer.

That said, here's a few points that I do think merit consideration, and I haven't really seen them mentioned anywhere.

1. Anakin is more regretful in the script.

If you look at how the scene is portrayed in the Attack of the Clones July 2001 draft of the screenplay, in Scene 118, pages 83-84...

... he's sorry and ashamed. He is in absolute shock of what he did. We get a bit of this, in the film...

... but in the script it's much more explicit. It starts out with him lashing out at Obi-Wan, at his own lack of power, but it ends with him breaking down and just apologizing over and over.

He didn't just kill them, he went Wolverine-style berseker and murdered EVERYTHING in his path, and he's thinking back on it with a clear-ish head now and realizing the gravity of his monstrous act.

When it's on paper, it reads very differently, to me. He's more remorseful, so Padmé's reaction makes more sense.

But there's a big difference between what you write in a script and what comes out in the film. Once you're shooting, myriad other factors come into play. So Anakin's dialog changes as the delivery and the rhythm are narrowed down, the beats in the scene shift around... but Padmé's reaction stays the same.

And that's where you get the disconnect.

Because what sticks with the audience more is this moment, now.

The anger. Not the shock and remorse.

So why the change? Well, George Lucas had this to say:

"He's very unhappy about that. Very sad and depressed. There was some dialogue here before that I took out, because it seemed to get in the way of the emotional moment of this scene where she says, "To be angry is to be human," and he says, "But to control your anger is to be a Jedi." And so that issue was actually laid out in dialogue at one point, and I decided to pull back from it... because it seemed to me that it was pretty obvious that was what was there. And I didn't think I needed to state it quite as boldly as I did. And that issue will come up at a later time, and I just felt it took away from the moment of his sadness. And I thought the sadness pretty much said the same thing without words." - AotC, Commentary Track #2, 2002

The reasoning was: too much dialog takes away from emotion.

An audience member will have a stronger emotional reaction from Anakin crying than Anakin crying while screaming "woe is me!"

I get (and generally agree) with the reasoning. But, personally, I have mixed feelings about this particular artistic choice.

On the one hand... if the intent is to show that Anakin made a big mistake and is sorry and sad because of his actions, then I think it's safe to say that it's not what most people took away.

Which then leads to things like John Ostrander writing Anakin as thinking he'd kill them all over again.

Also, it makes the viewer question the wisdom of Padmé's judgment.

But on the other hand... whether Anakin was feeling apologetic or not, he still did it. He still effectively massacred a whole tribe, he made that choice.

And whether the intent in that specific scene is conveyed efficiently or not, Anakin's character flaws (which the Prequels are really about) aren't really impacted and still tie together perfectly.

The only real change to that scene is that Padmé goes from having a more understandable reaction to "missing a lot of red flags".

2. Padmé thinks she can fix Anakin.

Here's what Natalie Portman had to say on the scene, which I think is an interesting take.

"She's this very powerful woman, and I think Padmé is sort of intrigued by this darker side she sees to him, especially because she's such a person who tries to fix everything. She sees problems in the world and she still has that idealistic passion… to think she can change everything, and she can change people who have darkness to them. And she sees goodness in him. She sees this passion. And she sees that there's a lot of anger in that passion, that it's not just the goodness and purity of her passion. So I think that is definitely attractive for her- that there's something that she can try and help heal or mend. That might be a big surprise for her when she can't." - Natalie Portman, AotC, Commentary Track #2, 2002

A part of Padmé is intrigued by Anakin's darker side, the "handsome bad boy" part... but that's coming from a place of "I can change him".

But the only thing that can change Anakin... is Anakin himself. Unfortunately, he keeps:

indulging his darker selfish impulses because he lacks discipline, acting on emotion despite knowing better,

regretting it for a moment and acknowledging that it was wrong,

starting again, never learning from his mistakes.

Which is part of the reason why their relationship is sort of doomed from the get-go.

[charlierosewriting]

This viewing of Stop Making Sense, in a cinema I went to alone, did two things: it ruined every other time I'll ever try to watch this film again in my life, and revealed itself to be what it has been this whole time. Anti-performance anxiety propaganda. It also cracked me wide open.

I've always seen Stop Making Sense in one of two modes - communally on a TV through it's built-in speakers, or on my phone alone with my big chunky noise-cancelling headphones. I pick whether I want to hear it with others but sacrifice the sound quality, or to hear it at its most beautiful but by myself. In a mostly empty cinema, Stop Making Sense becomes both at once. I can't be sure if it's the A24 remaster or just hearing it on a capital everything SOUND SYSTEM, but the entire experience feels warmer and human this way. Tina Weymouth's bass playing is clearer than ever before, the synths taking a bit more of a backseat to its rumble, and the percussion of both Chris Frantz's drums, David Byrne's boombox and (most transformatively) Steve Scale's set-up hit almost with the force of actual, unshielded, live drumming. After each song, the couple behind me cheered and whooped (half-ironically), and after the midway point I joined in (completely earnestly). It's still not perfectly analogous to a live concert, even then. The audience noise is near immersive in surround sound, but it still feels as distant as the band does all the way over up on that stage. When the songs end and the crowd noise begins, the cinema experience feels strange and hollow and disconnected. I love this way more than a perfect Disneyland imagineered recreation of a Talking Heads concert.

That last point is actually where the most magic is found in seeing Stop Making Sense in a cinema, and what really started to pierce into me; the craftsmanship is more visible. These are small chips in the paintwork you can't see until you get your nose right up to the masterpiece, and every one of them adds more texture and beauty to the whole.

It's easy to be swept away by the sheer magic of Stop Making Sense in any of my usual viewings, because it's already perfect. In Crosseyed and Painless, the camera pans between Alex and David as they trade absolutely cracked guitar solos, and it is a frontrunner for my favourite shot in any film. The whole thing feels effortless and fluid from beginning to end, a document of a band in their peak, beautiful moments of improvisation and genius popping up from both the performers and the cameramen, something divinely ordained.

But when Tina Weymouth is 20ft tall, you notice her lips don't quite match the audio track on Genius of Love, and remember that the film was shot over four nights, not one continuous concert. It isn't a gift from the goddess of music, it's a team of creatives sweating in a studio with probably not great A/C to make something that feels cohesive. When David dances with Ednah and Lynn on Burning Down The House, they perfectly match his strange movements and mimic the guitar playing, and when they're 20ft tall you remember that there must-have been a rehearsal. You remember that the physical CD of Stop Making Sense you own includes a booklet, in which every movement and stage direction is documented, and you wonder if that was written before or after the performance.

One I noticed long before I saw it in the cinema was during the objective pick for best Talking Heads song, This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody), when David enjoys watching the lamp he dances with wobble back into place for just long enough that he misses his cue to sing, and is back at the microphone just half a beat AFTER he starts singing on the audio track.

This is not nitpicking. This is revelatory, this is beautiful, this is the best the film has ever been. This is the autism of Stop Making Sense.

Like Stop Making Sense, I am profoundly autistic. I have been autistic all my life, and I will continue to be autistic. If you asked me if I'm proud to be autistic, I'd say yes, but at the same time I'm sadly not sure if that's true. I have masked so thoroughly and for so long that removing the veneer isn't freeing. Taking it off doesn't let my skin breathe, it exposes raw flesh so tender that it is stung by the air. Some people never have experience with air, tell you not to worry about it, but I think that David Byrne has.

He writes more songs about buildings and food, he dances either like a marionette or like a panic attack, he sings like he is bearing his soul or like he's having a panic attack, the polyrhythms the band finds are joyous grooves or they are panic attacks. Talking Heads is sensory overload about sensory overload, confusing music about being confused, failing radio transmissions about badly communicated emotions.

The difference is, Talking Heads will express that feeling, that disconnect, that hellish radio static in the back of my mind, and make it listenable and funky and fun. When I'm overwhelmed, I'll storm out and cry alone, when David Byrne is overwhelmed, he writes Born Under Punches. When I'm happy, I smile and, if around no-one but my girlfriend, maybe giggle and flap like I wish I could more often - before regaining control and putting the mask back on. When David Byrne is happy, he releases Don't Worry About The Government and the world listens to it.

I want to write songs about buildings and food! I want to write songs about Garak and Power! About the career of Ahmed Johnson! Let me! But I won't, and I don't. I don't think I can right now. But then there's Stop Making Sense.

Stop Making Sense takes every complicated, negative emotion in the discography of Talking Heads, and does something amazing with it; it makes it a party. In its original studio form, Life During Wartime is midtempo and reverby and distressing. The groove is there, but feels intentionally shot in the shin, only allowed to lope in a way that brings out the tension and danger of the lyricism. Then it Stop Making Sense it SKYROCKETS!!! The panic is still there, that essential tender skin of autism, but it is transformed into one of the most bracing and captivating performances of the whole film. Rather than monotonal, almost krautrocky guitar solos, it is given ecstatic synths and almost double the tempo. The studio version of David feels cramped in his situation, the film David runs in place! He wriggles! He sprints laps around the entire stage! The crowd claps and screams! I clap and scream!

This is Stop Making Sense in minutia. The tension and overload of autism is constant, it is pervasive, but what is present is the joy and not the pain. When I stim around my girlfriend I feel completely free momentarily, Talking Heads in Stop Making Sense feel completely free for eighty-eight minutes, and it's infectious.

Masking, at least for me, is performance anxiety. I have an ideal self in my head and, despite my constant trying to change this, she doesn't openly present as autistic yet. I want to perform my best, ideal self, and I need my autism to be part of that, but revealing myself that much to the world is terrifying.

But, once again, here's Stop Making Sense, and its perfect flaws.

The version of Tina we see sing Genius of Love isn't the version we're hearing, but she is beautiful, and I love her. David misses the cue to go back to the microphone, but I still hear his wolf howls and I smile. Chris beams like a headlight at all times, he's having the time of his life. Ednah and Lynn are always so ON that they feel more like Energizer Bunnies than people sometimes, and I wish I could be more like either of them. Jerry is consistently serious looking and kinda wooden, and he's doing so damn well up there. Alex seems to only know one dance move, it's to kick about as high as his chest and look to the right, and it's the coolest thing I've ever seen every time. Bernie looks so self serious at all times, which makes his basic ass solos on Making Flippy Floppy so much funnier and better. Steve Scales, on top of having the best name ever, keeps looking at the crowd like a kid whose parents have come to see him in the school play, and I love him. I love them all.

They are and were real people with interiority and darkness that I'll never know or comprehend, they all did bad things to good people at some point in their lives, and the version of themselves that was captured across these four nights and painted into this eighty-eight minute gasp of euphoria are my family and they are my friends.

David gets to the microphone too late and I hear the wolf howl and I smile, they all continue the song together and I clap, and then I squeal and then I shake and I flap my hands and the mask falls to the ground, and there are two people behind me who can definitely see me right now and they can definitely tell, they can so definitely tell, but this must be the place (naive melody) is the best song ever so I dont really care and the song ends and i find there are tears in my eyes and they dont fall, and before i can reach to pick up what i dropped the synth arpeggios of once in a lifetime start and i no longer have time so i sit theere and i watch and i listen and david dances and now hes wearing glasses and I'm just an animal looking for a home and, share the space for a minute or two! And I'll love you 'til my heart stops! Love you until I'm dead. Eyes that light up, eyes that look through you. Cover up my blind spots, hit me on the head! Awoo!

Postscript:

I tried writing this once on my phone, but the app crashed and deleted my progress and I almost had a panic attack lol. Glad I rewrote it, I want to put this somewhere, but it is somewhat more masked and less raw than the original version. Oh well, it's probably better written.

The one concert movie I've seen that REALLY goes into exposing how it's a construction over different nights is Beyoncé's Homecoming which is a masterpiece in its own right. The way it blatantly shifts outfits and colour schemes across shots is wonderful, people need to talk about that more. Probably shouldn't be me though lol.

[cyborg-squid]

Limbus Company... Shouldn't Have Been A Gacha

For a couple big reasons, and I say this as someone who loves Limbus Company (it was actually my entry into PMoons stuff).

The First is that I feel PMoon kinda bit off more than it could chew with making a gacha because those tend to attract much broader audiences, due to their ostensibly 'free' nature, and with that wider audience come baked in expectations. There's the korean incel drama, yes, and on a much smaller level (and a more personally annoying one) you have the waifu-brained Redditor types.

There's also the fact that, early on in Limbus' release, there were a lot of hasty patches and running around fixing things, as well as Uptie 4 feeling tacked on and not fully developed. Which isn't unexpected, per se, and it's good to be attentive on the issues, but I feel like live-service games tend to be held to a higher standard, which Limbus didn't initially meet, and I feel that that bar could've been lower if that game was instead in Early Access or '1.0'. * And I think I speak for not only myself but a lot of Limbus fans when I say I'd rather pay a one time price, aka buying the game, than have a 'free' gacha game whose gacha system feels disconnected from parts of the game?

*(I don't know a lot about PMoons development history, but I think that was the case with Library of Ruina? I don't know if you'd called it a live-service game, but it did have a gradual release and progression, didn't it?)

And this brings me to the Second, which is that, while the lore reasonings behind the Identity system make sense, the majority of the Identities you're rolling for don't actually appear in the story? Many Identities are the Sinners in [blank] Corporation or [blank] Association or [blank] gang, but you don't actually see those 'characters' in the story itself, due to how the Identities operate in basically AUs.

Many other gacha games, for better and for wor Okay, I had this whole long thing written out but that doesn't matter, the point is: In Limbus, you're not rolling for new characters, you're rolling for the Sinners dressed up as interesting characters/concepts. Which ends up straddling this weird line between: the Identities offering insight into both the Sinners and the other character, but also not being enough of either? Some are better, or feel more complete, or more tied in with their Cantos, than others (N-Corp Sinclair, Spicebush Yi Sang, Pequod Heathcliff) but that fact remains that, for example, N-Corp Faust is not Kromer, and at no point in the main story or Canto does Faust appear as such.

I personally don't believe that, in other gacha games, every NPC should be playable (some things are better because they are unattainable), but I feel like the Limbus players currently don't have 'access' to some of the more interesting NPCs, ones that in other gachas they might be able to roll for, and the ones we do have, like Fixer Yuri and Kromer, aren't even the ones we see in the story, it's them met halfway by a Sinner.

I don't really know where I was going with. I just feel that PMoon kinda shot itself in the foot by making a gacha game instead of a different sort of live-service or continuous updated game, and that the gacha system it went with isn't particularly effective.

[avelera]

On Language in "Giving Sanctuary" - Behind the Scenes

I've been considering articulating these thoughts for a bit, but figured I might as well now. Language use is one of those things I think the writer worries about 10x more than any reader ever does, but I wanted to explain for my own sake why the way Hob, Dream and the other speaking characters of "Giving Sanctuary" communicate is for the most part entirely modern and largely out of step with the way people spoke in the 1680s. Because I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this and justifying it to the invisible reader in my head that's just as hung up on history as I am, which is a vanishingly smaller percentage of actual readers.

There are a few reasons for this:

1 ) The Sandman show does not have Hob and Dream speaking Middle English in 1389, so I feel pretty much at liberty to have them speak as modernly in "Giving Sanctuary" as they do in the actual source material. That really should be the end of the discussion but I have a few more thoughts. (Because of course I do.)

2 ) Historical fiction really is as fantastical rather than realistic (plus reliant on worldbuilding) as any fantasy or sci-fi story. Almost no one is ever doing a perfect recreation of a historical time period they didn't experience. We are always as writers worldbuilding to a certain extend when writing any experience, but in particular when writing other time periods. There is a constant tug-o-war between "Old-timey enough to evoke the sense of the time period presented" and "Not so accurately old-timey that modern audiences are completely disconnected from the story." I want to grant the pleasures of reading a story set in another time, while acknowledging that there's a reason that reading centuries old stories without any update or translation is hard and not always fun, and my story would be the same if I went for perfect accuracy.

Frankly, the vocabulary, morals, concerns, humor, and slang of a perfectly photo-realistic representation of the 1680s would be very nearly impenetrable, in my opinion, if it were represented accurately. We'd feel completely disconnected from the story or at most, have passing glimpses of relatability while wading through the language of a distant time period. I wanted the story to feel immediate, so I wanted to mostly use the language of today, the way the show does, and for probably the same reason.

3 ) I just don't want to do all that fucking research. Dear lord. Short of digging my way through Paradise Lost and a bunch of other literature from the time, there was no way I was going to be able to fluently represent the language of the 1600s and even if I did the language of literature still wouldn't be perfectly accurate. It would just be more "evoking" and a lot more of me stressing out for something most people wouldn't care about and that might actually make the story less enjoyable for a wide audience.

4 ) That said there were a few places where I tried to evoke that we're in a different time period, using some stock historical fiction tropes which are probably of dubious accuracy if I actually dug into 1600s literature. Things like dropping contractions, or throwing in the occasional archaism, formal language, or old-timey swear word.

In the name of perfect accuracy, may of these "old timey" things aren't accurate for the time either if one were to dig into the fact that say, Hob would probably be much more careful about using curse words that involve saying the Lord's name in vain, that sort of thing. But that was just one more thing I did not want to worry about, because it takes a lot of effort for very little return, in my opinion, and writing is hard enough as it is. These are the sort of concerns that keeps historical fiction writers from actually writing their story a lot of the time, because they go down the research rabbit hole and end up with a PhD but no historical fiction novel to speak of. (If this story was being written for publication, I'd probably still write this all the same way, then just go to a scholar of the time period and ask them to help me alter certain lines to be more accurate, but I'm not publishing this, so I won't lol.)

5 ) Now, as one last for-fun character note about the use of language, one might notice if they pay close attention that Hob's level of formality and modern language shifts in the fic. In my own mind, that has to do with his comfort levels. At the beginning of the story, he's much more formal, especially with Dream, and especially when he's nervous around Dream (in ch. 4 when talking about holding hands, he gets perhaps the most formal we ever see him because he is very nervous and starts talking too much and getting very archaic and loses track of his point as a result).

As the story has progressed, though, Hob has grown more comfortable around Dream and more comfortable speaking frankly with Dream. As a result, his language has grown much more modern, using contractions and a more casual tone.

6 ) As a final note, there is a conceit in the story that you, the reader, are not hearing things as they are actually being said. In theory if we were to time machine back to when the story is taking place, the way Dream and Hob talk would be very different. There is an idea inherent that the narrator is modernizing the language for the modern viewer. Everything that's being said is being accurately represented as far as spirit and tone, but the literal word choice has been altered for viewers like you :)

[mandy4ever69420]

do you think they were closer as kids

superficially, yeah. kids don't DO super complicated friendships so like if they hung out and argued and goofed off they considered that closeness. i think that mickey and mandy probably spent more time together as little little kids and felt a sort of loss of that as teenagers, but also that they understood each other more as people with their own internality when they got a bit older. like, maybe they didn't talk as much, but everything they say and do around each other just means more because of the maturity offered.

i don't think it's really a tragedy to lose childlike closeness in favor of grown up close/distance. it's very bittersweet but just something that happens. as a little kid having stuff in common doesn't matter as much as being near each other (though it's interesting that i never got the sense either of them had the same kind of connection with their other siblings, though apparently iggy wasn't that much older). just, you know, when you're older having things in common in worldview and personality matters more.

also, as they reached about old enough for mickey to understand that he was gay (if not in so many words - just that he wasn't doing "growing up" like other people) that would've put a damper on his ability to FEEL like he and mandy were the same. he seems by the time the show starts pretty chill with the fact that the two of them just are different but it was probably an isolating experience. i get the sense in the series that a lot of what goes on between these two is dealing with this chasm of being very different people who still do love each other trying very hard to show that without understanding exactly where they lost common ground.

i wonder if mandy sensed this distance and assumed it was to do with gender? she seems mostly left out of the violent crime in the family (which is technically good, but still feels like exclusion), so she may have just assumed mickey was being a Fucking Boy. mandy is also the first milkovich we see to really have a moral code counter to her dad's. we know mickey isn't down with homophobia (&later, he verbally addresses that he dislikes his dads racism) but mandy would have no idea about that & would assume she has to protect ian by not outing him to mickey, even if mickey seems superficially the nicest (he is nice, mandy, you're not mistaken)

i've said before that mandy seemed to have faith in mickey that she didn't extend to her other family members. kind of like how her aunt calls her the best milkovich, she seems to think he's the best stupid fucking brother of hers. he's the only one she really hangs out with, she thinks it's dumb but admirable for 17 maybe 18 yr old mickey to shotgun marry svetlana ("men are stupid, especially the good ones" in reference to lip, but also in a conversation about mickey), or that he's the only brother she keeps any kind of tabs on or mentions sending anything while he's incarcerated as a teen. he's probably the only brother she'd have let drag her out of the house away from an abusive boyfriend.

she shit talks mickey in s6 which, yeah, is part and parcel of trying to get the audience to let mickey go (ha!) but i think is really interesting to incorporate into reading her. possible interpretations include any combination of:

when mickeys arrests went from "theft" or "possession with intent to sell" to "attempted murder" she gives up, sort of sits with the heartbreak that maybe she was wrong about him being "better" than her other family members

she disconnected emotionally from mickey as a result of kenyatta isolating her from loved ones as an abuse tactic - she justifies this by imagining that maybe he must have actually sucked and she doesn't have to feel the pain of leaving people behind

she misses him, she's mad that she misses him and that he made her miss him, she feels guilty for not being there, but it's easier to not look at how she feels guilty, so she masks all of this by acting like she doesn't care

[tinylilemrys]

Lonely In London

Relationship:

Trent Crimm/Ted Lasso

Additional Tags:

Angst and Romance | Romcommunism | Friends to Lovers | Romantic Comedy | Alternate Universe – Canon Divergence

Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Summary:

Henry, worried about how lonely his dad seems to be in London, writes into an advice podcast for some help. A podcast run by an ex-colleague of Trent's – one that he listens to religiously. If Trent falls a little for 'Lonely In London' because he reminds him of Ted, well that's just coincidence. An homage to romcommunism, largely based on 'Sleepless In Seattle' with a few others thrown in for good measure.

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

CHAPTER 3

As June ticks over into July, Ted declares that July 25th is going to be his and Henry's Christmas. Henry is sceptical at first, until he realises it comes with actual presents. Then he's all in.

Part of it is motivated by wanting to spend something close to an actual Christmas with Henry, the other part is that he's genuinely running out of things to do with his son to keep him entertained. Even the initial rush of going through the podcast fanmail (all pre-screened by Ted) is losing its shine. This way, whenever Henry gets bored, Ted can declare it's Christmas crafting time and the two of them pop on a Christmas movie and get to making streamers, Christmas ornaments, cards, snowflakes – anything that Ted sees on Pinterest that looks vaguely doable. It seems to work well for a time, until Henry declares that he's bored of this too.

The only thing that seems to hold his attention for longer than a few minutes anymore are his training sessions with Jamie and Roy.  Jamie adores Henry as much as Henry adores him, and it turns out that the great Jamie Tartt isn't too bad at the whole coaching thing either. Roy's reasons for being there, as always, are more of an enigma, but he insists he's just there to make sure Henry's getting the training he deserves.

He rarely interferes with Jamie's process, however, instead holding back until afterwards when Jamie looks at him with earnest expectation, as if his thoughts on how it went are the most important thing in the world to him. And Roy always comes through. Ted gets the sense that Roy sees the same glimmer of potential in Jamie that he sees.

If nothing else, Ted has been enjoying watching the camaraderie the two of them have been developing through it. Considering where they were with each other a couple of years back, Ted can hardly believe it. If there's one thing he can take away from his time at Richmond so far, it's that.

Still, despite his pro one-on-one training, Henry has been restless. Ted tries not to take it to heart, but he can't help but feel like he's getting it wrong. Like he would know how to do this better if he was around Henry more. Like the time he's missed with Henry has caused a fundamental disconnect between them. And it's only getting worse now that Ted is back at work for pre-season training. Now that Henry's cooped up in whoever's office he wants to be in that day (usually Roy and Trent's or Rebecca's), or else pitch-side, itching to play but not allowed to. Not for the first time, Ted wonders if it was stupid of him to have Henry the whole summer. Maybe he should have sent him back just before work started back up again.

Add to that the fact that Rebecca is on his ass about beating Rupert in the upcoming season and the way Trent seems to be giving him the lukewarm shoulder for no good reason (other than that maybe he stepped over some kind of line during their last hangout), and Ted is wound tighter than a rubber band round a prosperity preacher's weekly takings. 

It comes to a head one night when Ted's trying to get a team report done for Rebecca. Henry, midway through sticking bits of felt to a cheap Christmas stocking while watching The Grinch, declares that he's bored again, and Ted can feel the last of his patience slipping out of his grasp.

"Bud, I don't know what to tell you," he says, looking up from his report. "I've given you stuff to do. I've got to get this done for Rebecca. It's important, alright? If you're not feeling the Christmas crafting, find something else to do."

"I want you to play something with me," whines Henry.

"Henry, I've told you, I'm busy," says Ted. "I don't have time right now."

"Mom and James would have played with me," says Henry.

Ted knows Henry doesn't mean it. He knows it's just because he's tired and bored and barely shy of ten years old and a child of divorce and far away from his home and his friends and his mom. It doesn't stop the words from ripping his heart in two. Ted's last thread snaps and he stands up from the table.

"Fine!" he says, trying not to yell, but feeling the frustration boil from the pit of his stomach and up through his throat. "Hell, kid, If it sucks so much to be here maybe you should head to bed so you're one day closer to going home."

The look of hurt, betrayal, and even fear on Henry's face evaporates whatever anger was there a moment ago, replacing it with the most awful sick feeling. He watches helplessly as Henry bursts into tears and runs off to the bedroom. All the sound leaves the world along with the feeling in Ted's fingers. He's panicking.

He breathes deeply and tries to run through the grounding exercise Dr Sharon gave him. He begins describing the colors of the walls. What he can smell nearby. What the counter at his fingertips feels like. Three different sounds he can hear.

One of the sounds is Henry crying miserably in the next room.

He messages Dr Sharon to set up an emergency session and tries to keep breathing. He knows he needs to apologise to Henry, but he's never messed up with him this badly before. He doesn't know what to do. Where to start.

He's fucked up big time.

His fingers are typing before he can fully think about it.

Do you ever feel like you'll never get the full grip of this whole parenting thing? That you're always getting it wrong? That you're just doomed to make another broken grownup like it's some cursed family heirloom?

He doesn't know why he reached out to Trent. It's not like they usually commiserate about their parenting woes. He just needed to vent to someone who might understand. In any case, after weeks of nothing but polite small talk from Trent, he's really not expecting anything to come of it anyway. Which is why he nearly drops his phone when it starts actually ringing.

"Trent Crimm! To what do I owe the pleasure?" he says, trying to keep his voice as breezy as he can make it.

"I received your text," he replies. "Ted, are you okay?"

God, he never would have messaged if he thought Trent would call.

"Oh, sunny as a bunny, dandy as candy," he says. "No complaints here."

There's a deep sigh from the other end.

"Cut the bullshit, Lasso," says Trent. "You know better than to deflect that weakly around a journalist. I can hear your voice is shaking. Now tell me what you did that has you convinced that you're a horrible parent."

"Trent Crimm, always bringing that heat," Ted says, taking one last stab at humor. He's rewarded with deadly silence on the other end. "I yelled at Henry. I yelled at him in the most awful way. I told myself I would never raise my voice at that kid, but I went and did it anyway. And god, he looked scared, Trent. Like actually scared."

"Oh, Ted," says Trent gently. "Would you like to tell me how that happened?"

Ted explains the incident, including the stress leading up to the blowup. He leaves out that Trent's sudden aloofness was part of it.

"Well, okay, here's how I see it," says Trent after Ted has said his piece. "Children are almost scientifically designed to be the most annoying fucking creatures on the planet. Right? They get in places they're not supposed to be. They see themselves as the centre of the universe. They push our buttons and say the most hurtful things without meaning to. But they're kids. They're literally learning how to be people as they go. Not good people. Just people. From scratch. Pushing the boundaries is part of how they figure it out. It's our job as parents to gently reinforce those boundaries."

"Yeah, well I goofed on that one big time," says Ted.

"Sure," says Trent. "You did. There's no denying it. But the thing is, as parents, we're going through the same process. We're still learning how to be people from scratch. We're just a little further along the road. And the part of the road we happen to be on is the part where we figure out how to be people that are parents too. We're figuring it out as we go. We're figuring out where the boundaries are too. And our kids tell us when we've crossed them."

Ted let's out a long exhale of breath.

"You're a good dad, Ted," says Trent. "You just had a moment of bad parenting. But the good news is that now you've learned another way not to do it. Next to 'I love you' and 'I'm proud of you', what's the one thing you wish you'd heard more from your parents?"

"Probably 'I'm sorry'," says Ted.

"Exactly. And you now have the painful privilege of being able to say that to your boy. Henry's a great kid. Better than most. You should be really proud of the person you've helped shape."

"Thanks, Trent," says Ted, feeling so much gratitude and affection he might burst. He's missed Trent so much. "Say, you know you're real handy with your words. You ever thought about going into writing?"

"Goodnight, Ted," says Trent, though there's amusement in his voice. "And good luck."

He hangs up the phone before Ted can reply.

Ted scrubs his hands down his face and takes a deep breath. He can do this.

His phone dings and he sees it's a text from Trent.

Wait – I know this seems counterintuitive, but please give it at least 20 minutes before you go talk to Henry. You'll see why in a moment. 🌻

That's weird, but Ted trusts Trent implicitly. He must know what he's doing. Fifteen minutes later, there's another ding from his phone.

Front door.

Ted half expects to see Trent when he opens it a minute later, but instead there's a bag on the ground, held closed with what looks like a small sunflower hair clasp that he suspects must belong to Anabelle. Ted looks up and down the street, but if Trent delivered it, he's disappeared into the night.

Smiling, Ted grabs the bag and heads back inside. When he opens it, he finds two cartons of ice-cream: one strawberry, and one peanut butter flavored. His and Henry's favourites.

He fires off one last text to Trent before grabbing two spoons and heading to the bedroom to fix what he broke.

Ted's phone lies unlocked and abandoned on the counter when the first tentative giggles in the background signal that all is well. And below the short, simple 'Thank you, Trent 🌻', three dots appear and disappear.

***

To Ted and Henry's delight, Christmas in July ends up becoming a club-wide family event and, Trent decides, the opening chapter of his book.

From what Trent understands, it started with Jamie catching wind of it during one of Henry's training sessions. After telling the rest of the team about it, they all demanded to be allowed to buy Henry presents. Upon seeing the enthusiasm surrounding it, Ted declared that Christmas in July would be open to all. The Secret Santa lists were sent out (Trent included), and preparations at the club began. The main focus is on creating a magical day for the kids of the club, which includes, Trent is touched to learn, Anabelle.

"Well of course we're including Anabelle," says Ted, like he's silly for not knowing this. "You're going to be part of the Richmond family this year. Anabelle's one of ours now."

One of ours now. The words are like the warmest hug.

It's the last time Ted and Trent talk for a while after that though. Despite their phone conversation a few weeks back and the fact that they're now pretty much sharing an office, he's still trying to keep his distance. He knows now how Ted feels about him and how worried he is about the club's PR, so he's not about to do anything to put that at risk. And he's learned that too much talking to Ted leads to dangerous waters. Thus, most of their interactions come down to nothing more than a friendly "good morning" to each other at the beginning of the day, the occasional observance about the weather, and then hours of having their noses buried in their respective tasks.

He learns a lot about AFC Richmond in the lead up to Christmas in July that he didn't know as an outside observer. He learns that Roy Kent listens to a suprising amount of Enya for someone who always seems so highly strung. He learns that Jamie Tartt is secretly a massive fan of Doctor Who. He learns that Isaac McAdoo is a part-time barber. He learns that Ted brings Rebecca his homemade shortbread every morning without fail. He learns that Rebecca is one of the funniest people in the building and slightly whacky beneath her ice-queen image. He learns that Higgins is seen like a dad to a lot of the lads, and that Higgins sees all of them as members of his already large family. He learns that Coach Beard is even more eccentric than Trent suspected, and that no one speaks Nathan Shelley's name out loud. No one except Ted, who despite looking heartbroken when he does, always says it with kindness and respect.

Mostly he learns that every good and lovely thing at AFC Richmond seems to have Ted's fingerprints all over it, and it does nothing to ease the growing feeling that Ted might be the only man Trent could ever feel a hundred percent comfortable handing his heart to again.

He's not supposed be letting himself think like that.

As the 25th of July rolls around, it brings with it much excitement. Despite the sweltering summer day, the café has been transformed into a magical winter wonderland – an impressive feat considering that the majority of the decorations are handmade by the team, who all jumped in over the weekend to help when it became clear that there was no way Ted and Henry were going to be able to craft enough for a whole big room.

As Trent walks into the party with Anabelle who is beside herself with excitement, he can't help but feel another layer of loneliness peel away. It's difficult to think of London as bleak when you're faced with a room full of people from all over the world, from vastly different backgrounds, all mingling together and genuinely enjoying each other's presence.

Like family, Trent thinks.

"Merry Crimmas!"

Trent jumps at the sudden voice behind him, and immediately whips around to see Ted, wearing a smile so wide it almost blinds him.

"Teddy!" yells Anabelle, holding out her arms demanding one of his famous 'helicopters'. Ted doesn't need telling twice, immediately scooping her up and spinning her around. The whole falling in love with Ted thing would be so much easier to deal with if the man was terrible with his daughter. But no. They adore each other.

"Merry Christmas Santa-Belle," he says. "Henry, Chloe, and the Higgins boys are going to be so excited to see you. They're over there by the probably ill-advised chocolate fountain."

"Ill-advised indeed," agrees Trent as Anabelle runs off to find her friends. "Anabelle isn't going to want to move from there. Happy Christmas, Ted."

"Happy Christmas, Trent," Ted replies. "Wait, y'all really say 'happy' Christmas here?"

"Is that a problem?"

"No, of course not," says Ted. "But you have to admit that it's weird though. Doesn't quite roll off the tongue the same. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas…"

Trent leaves Ted alone with his semantic satiation and goes to say his hellos to the rest of the room.

For all that it's a Christmas party in the middle of summer, Trent has a wonderful time. The kids get a massive pile of gifts each, and have a wonderful time playing with them together. Even the adults' Christmas party goes well. He gets a set of expensive-looking leatherbound notebooks from his Secret Santa, Rebecca, and is thrilled when Roy likes the bagful of books he bought for him.

An hour or two into the party, the main entertainment becomes Roy, who somehow keeps accidentally standing underneath sprigs of artificial mistletoe. Now that Keeley and him have split, he's technically a free agent. Still, most people seem wary.  So far no one has dared actually kiss him, but it's entertaining to watch various people get caught under it with him and weigh up the merits of trying. Rebecca asserts that she can't imagine anyone being brave or stupid enough to try, and Trent happily takes that bet. He's rewarded with twenty quid a half hour later when Jamie plants a huge smooch on Roy's cheek.

"Oi! What the fuck was that for?" Roy shouts. Jamie, wearing his trademark shit-eating grin, doesn't look contrite in the least.

"Mistletoe, innit?" says Jamie, winking at Roy as he swaggers off.

Roy stands there, perplexed, for several moments, before growling out a "fuuuuuck", and marching off to see what Phoebe is up to.

It's all fun and games until he gets caught himself an hour later. It's thankfully not with Roy, but at this point, being caught with Ted isn't that much less horrifying.

"Vaping still ain't great for you, you know," says Ted joining Trent out on the balcony where he's trying to catch a moment of fresh air.

"I promised Anabelle I'd quit smoking," Trent says, suddenly feeling self-conscious about it. "It's a temporary stopgap until I have the nerves of steel it takes to go completely without nicotine."

"Well, can't really argue with that," says Ted. There's a bit of silence between them again, like the conversation is a timid cat he's scared of spooking and Trent's heart aches. All he wants to do is talk to him. But it's dangerous.

Still, it's Christmas, a time for indulgences.

"Henry seems to be having a grand time," Trent observes, turning to look through the large glass doors to wear Henry is in a nerf gun battle  between all of the kids and close to half of the Richmond team. "You don't regret opening this up to the whole club?"

"A bit," Ted admits, looking a little ashamed of himself. "But only a bit. The team needed a big old hype up to get the season going anyway, and it means a lot to me that everyone sees each other as family enough to go through all this fuss."

"I know what you mean," Trent replies. "It meant a lot to me that Anabelle and I were included. I've never had anything like this before."

"The Independent didn't do big old shindigs like this?" Ted's regarding him curiously, like he's trying to figure something out.

"Oh they did," says Trent. "But they were the most insufferable, lifeless events. Half the room was made up of the snobbiest kind of person with the most overinflated ego, the other was made up of a gaggle of journalists who would sooner stab someone else in the throat with a pen for a front page feature than ask about their personal life."

"That's… vivid."

"It's the truth," shrugs Trent. "I don't think you realise how rare this all is. Finding this many people who love and genuinely like each other? It's almost unheard of. Especially in this city."

"Well, then I'm glad we could make you a part of that."

You actually mean that, don't you? Trent thinks, not for the first time.

He lets out a huff of laughter and tilts his head back, more to escape Ted's gaze than anything. It's so fond that Trent is about to combust in it.

Unfortunately, glancing up reveals that the two of them have somehow found themselves beneath a sprig of artificial mistletoe. He can't help but throw Ted a panicked look, which immediately sends Ted's eyes up to see what caused it.

"Oh boy," says Ted. "Seems like we've found ourselves a little predicament."

"Yeah," says Trent, unable to form much more than that. Sure, he knows that kissing Ted will likely be a monumental mistake, but that doesn't change the fact that he wants. He wants so much that it hurts to think about. And here he is with this perfect opportunity. This beautiful moment of plausible deniability.

Neither of them say anything. They don't need to. The distance between them shrinks to nothing and until the agonising, perfect moment where their lips make contact and Trent knows he's fucked up.

It's tentative at first, but then Ted takes the smallest step closer just as Trent parts his lips and suddenly it's all hunger and longing, both of them trying to take everything they can from this moment, both knowing how fragile it is. Trent's world narrows down to the scent of peppermint, the sound of the blood rushing in his head, the feeling of the wool he's clutching to like a lifeline.

And then a car hoots in the distance and just as quickly as it happens, the moment is gone.

Fuck. Oh fuck. There's no going back now. That wasn't just a mistletoe kiss, Trent knows it wasn't.

Trent throws a nervous glance to where the party is still going on, where all of AFC Richmond is as full of the joy and spirit of Christmas as they would be in December, and Trent suddenly understands. He understands why Ted can't risk a PR nightmare. Why he needs to protect this. Now Trent also has to.

"Trent," Ted whispers, trying to lean in again, but Trent pulls back.

"I have to go," he says, trying to keep his voice steady as he does. "I just… I have to go."

Without another word, he strides back inside, gathers Anabelle and her newly acquired pile of toys and heads home. He's running away, he knows, but he can't bring himself to consider that this might be a bad idea. It's what AFC Richmond needs. It's what Ted needs.

Once Anabelle is safely in bed and fast asleep, Trent puts on Love Actually as a form of self-flagellation and begins working his way through his scotch collection. He doesn't normally allow himself to drink like this on his own – especially not when Anabelle is in the house – but he can't afford to think tonight. He just can't.

It's only the next morning, with his mouth feeling like it's full of rancid cotton, with the Love, Actually DVD menu playing on loop, that Trent fully remembers why he can't be trusted alone with alcohol.

Squinting against the brightness of his open laptop, Trent realises, with a wave of nausea, that he's sent an email to Lonely In London.

Fuck.

***

Ted isn't going to think about the kiss. He's just not. He can move on and pretend it never happened. That's definitely something he can do.

"So, Bud, how'd you enjoy your summer Christmas?" asks Ted, not thinking about the kiss, as he and Henry finally collapse back onto the couch in their living room.

Trent had tasted like mango sorbet. But he's not thinking about that.

"I had so much fun!" says Henry. "Can we do it again next year?"

"Of course," Ted replies, actually forgetting the kiss for a moment when he sees how happy Henry is. He pulls him into a tight hug. "This one's not over yet though. How could we possibly go to bed without watching the greatest Christmas movie of all time?"

"Muppets?" asks Henry.

"Muppets," Ted nods.

Ted continues not thinking about the kiss while Michael Cane acts up a storm in a sea of felt. He doesn't think about the way that Trent had clung onto him. He keeps his mind far away from the way he'd looked at him before it happened. Like he couldn't believe it was happening. He doesn't think about how hungry it had seemed. From both of them.

Maybe he was over-confident in assuming where he and Trent were at, but he doesn’t think he's been reading the signs wrong. Trent had wanted him, at least in the moment of that kiss. Whether that kiss was what put him off was the big mystery.

Ted despairs as he imagines where that's going to put their already fraught communications.

Not that he's thinking about the kiss.

A ding from his phone pulls him out of his self-pity and it's a welcome distraction. It's another Lonely In London email. He's largely started ignoring these on the advice of Dr Sharon after he complained that they could get overwhelming, but something about the opening line of this one grabs him.

Dear Lonely In London

London is a lonely shithole. It's cold, grimy, and the people aren't much better. It can make you feel like you're the only person on Earth sometimes, even when you're surrounded by people on all sides. I've been here my whole life and in 46 years nothing has changed that.

Until you.

Now, please don't misunderstand – I'm painfully aware of how crazy it is to put all that on you, a stranger from a letter on a podcast. For all any of us know, you could be completely fictional. Something made up by the hosts to boost their listens. You're not a stranger to me, though. You're real to me in a way not many people in my life are.

I'm currently watching one of those overwrought romantic comedies with several morally dubious storylines, and I'm hating every minute of it. However, it has made me realise that my whole life, I've been content to play things safe. Everything from my career to my ex-husband to the area in which I live seems as though I set up to risk nothing. And even with that, I've still lost so much.

But now there's you. And you can't know how much you've changed my mind about risk, even in just the short time I've known of you.

And that's why instead of playing it safe this time, I'm going all-in on a grand romantic gesture.

This Christmas Eve, at 8pm, I will be waiting at the arrivals gate at Heathrow. Meet me there. I know you have no idea who I am, but I have to believe you'll know me when you see me, just as I'll know you.

At the very least, you have a whole five months to decide. If you're curious, or haven't found anything better by then, you know where I'll be.

Even if nothing ever comes of this, I trust this email, at bare minimum,  helps make London less lonely, the way yours made it feel less lonely for me.

Yours,

Isolated in Islington

"That's like Love, Actually!" says Henry, startling Ted. He didn't realise he was reading the email too. "It's Christmas in July and they're talking about Love, Actually. It's a sign. What if this is the love of your life?"

It can't be, Kiddo, thinks Ted. It's not Trent Crimm.

"Yeah? And what if it's a crazy axe murderer?" laughs Ted, gently poking Henry in the ribs causing him to giggle too. "Or worse, an accountant?"

"But, Dad," says Henry. "You have to meet them. It's like a movie."

"Not all movies have happy endings, Bud," says Ted.

Sometimes you get left under the artificial mistletoe, not knowing how you got it so wrong.

"A lot of them do though," says Henry. "Can we at least say 'we'll see' for this one?"

'We'll see' is what Ted says when his answer is mostly yes, but he doesn't want to admit it yet.

"Hmm, we'll see," says Ted, tickling Henry. "Before we ever cross that bridge though, we've got to talk about how it's a little on the impolite side to read things on other people's phones unless they specifically tell you that you can."

"Sorry, Dad," says Henry and then because Rizzo is yelling "light the lamp, not the rat" on the TV, Ted loses his son to the movie once more.

The idea of living out a grand romcom moment isn't the least appealing in the world. Trent's clearly not as interested as he thought he might be, and whoever this Isolated in Islington is, they seem, at the very least, to be on the same page as him.

In any case, the arrivals gate at Heathrow is about as public as public gets. There's plenty security around. Other than maybe a bit of press speculation, what would he really be risking?

Disappointment, Ted realises.

He decides to file it away to think about later. He's got 5 months to figure it all out after all.

He briefly debates texting Trent, to see if he can coax out a conversation about what happened, but decides against it. If Trent doesn't want him, he doesn't want him. It's as simple as that.

He'll leave being a muppet to Gonzo.

Next Chapter

[onedayistodayornever]

Thoughts on Avatar 2

I loved it! 

Visuals were stunning. Loved the thought that went into how water Na’vi would live and the creatures that would live in their oceans. Loved all the little details, the homages to Maori culture, the differences in forest na’vi accessories vs water na’vi accessories. THE BABIES!!! Baby na’vi, baby whales. so cute~

Rather simple storyline with some plotholes. I knew humans were gonna be back to cause trouble (duh) but i wish they hadn’t. Could have been a really cool epic with just the various na’vi peoples alone. Cultural values and norms of the na’vi ended up being a bit too reminiscent of western culture. Could have definitely put more thought into that. 

Spoilers

Felt like Jake and Neytiri ended up taking a step back in their character development. Did not like what they did with Jake’s parenting style or Neytiri’s reactions to it. For a guy who supposedly embraced na’vi culture and learned their way of life, it felt like his parenting was straight out of the american marine father handbook (the ‘sirs’! really!?). And i get that the english was for the audiences benefit but I thought the water na’vi knew a lot more english than made sense for a people without much contact with the humans. So i just ignored that and pretended like most of the movie was in the na’vi language. 

I loved the kids!!! i really wanted more interactions between them. With the metkayina kids more involved too. Ronal was such a badass! I love that she was hard but also showed compassion and mercy. Tonowari was so cool! Man that respects his wife! 

Quaritch. So many mixed feelings. Loved the disconnect between a na’vi body and Quaritch’s human expressions. Its not so obvious on jake but quaritch just has a very human mug. I really don’t like him but i loved his internal conflict over his prejudice against na’vi and having such a feral na’vi raised child. I love that he was so subtly soft for his kid. And spiders internal conflict over finally getting to meet his father and his father’s kindness to him vs everything his father stands for and has done. That ending between them was on point. I get the feeling as redemption is in store for him but i don’t know how i feel about that lol. I want it and i don’t. I love a good redemption arc but Quaritch has such a punchable face lol. 

Payakan! Payakan baby i hope you and Lo’ak have the best life ever and i swear if they touch you in the sequels imma be so pissed. 

Neteyam! They did you so dirty! i could honestly see it coming a mile away (dutiful, good older brothers always die so younger, reckless brothers get *character growth*) but i was still blind sided and i swear i cried an ocean for him. He was my favorite. Poor boy only wanted his father’s approval and his family safe. ╥﹏╥. Whyyyyyyyyyyy

I can’t wait to see what they do with Kiri in the next installments and adorable Tuk! I wonder if she will grow up to take after her mother or father?

Marine Na’vi lady with the tattoos. I know she was a villain and bad, so bad. But damn she was fine. 

Boat man and his quest to kill whales. I honestly laughed when they introduced him. And his storyline!! LMAO! they really be ripping off moby dick! Don’t get me wrong, i love it. But its a kind of love for the campy. And for evil fisherman getting their dues. One of my favorite scenes of the whole movie when he lost his arm. And the alcoholic marine biologist! honestly he was a whole mood. “That’s why i drink”, “Now whose got the harpoon.” lol. 

Jake sully and his idiot self going straight for the tsurak instead of starting with the Ilu is so in character. Its also one of my favorited character traits of his. His whole competent but also a little bit dumb and stubborn lol. He can be so adorable. I love that neytiri kept her ikran and we don’t see a lot of her adapting like the rest of her family does. It makes sense in that jake has had to adapt many times in his life to new circumstances and ways of life (army life, loosing his mobility, na’vi forest life and now na’ve water life). It makes sense that he would throw in and embrace this new life. Kids are obviously kids and while its difficult in some ways its also easier for kids to adapt. Neytiri hasn’t had to adapt to a whole new way of life yet. This is a first for her so it makes sense that she’d be more reluctant and cling to reminders of the familiar. But also shows her devotion to her family by trying her best. I really hope we get to see her and Ronal develop a friendship in the next installment cuz they seem like they would get along fantastically after the initial tension. 

Also Neytiri wearing Neteyam’s necklace at his funeral   ╥﹏╥. James cameron! Why you gotta break my heart like this!?! beautiful detail.

I just have so many feelings for this series. Now excuse me while i go deep dive into AO3 for all those worldbuilding details that can’t make it into a budget driven 3 hr movie. 

[coldgoldlazarus]

Out of morbid curiosity, I rewatched that video(s, it was a two-parter), so now I can give a more accurate picture of what went down:

-First of all, because of the ridiculously fast release schedule (I think all eight seasons were across the span of like, three years?) a lot of the preproduction work behind the scenes, like storyboarding and stuff, was done way ahead of time. (This wasn't really discussed as much in the video, but I also imagine the animation crunch must have been insane, like RT levels or worse) Apparently there was lots of burnout across the board, and most of the better writers jumped ship before the last couple seasons.

-So, in the classic show, Shiro is sort of the initial team leader who dies in like, the first couple episodes so Keith, edgy loner with a heart of gold, can step up to the plate and become the new leader. For the new show, the writers decided to have Shiro be a fixture of the first two seasons, (that's one thing I was mistaken about, his death was at the end of 2, not 4) so he could have more time as a character and the impact of his death in developing everyone else would have more meaning for the audience. Basically the Pyrrha thing, death flags and all. (Meanwhile, Allura gets more time as The Woman In The Chair in command, before the post-Shiro reshuffle puts her in the empty Lion)

---

-Problem is, they made him too likable and interesting, so the executives demanded he be kept in the show through to the end. Problem is by this point, the preproduction was done up to the end of Season 6, and budget was slim, so rewriting and re-storyboarding all that would be hard to do, and just inserting him in the corner wouldn't work...

-So instead, inserting in just a couple new episodes to bring him back via cloning shenanigans, and then basically pasting him into Keith's role from there on, while Keith gets shunted off onto an offscreen Spirit Quest thingy. Him acting OOC and more like Keith can be explained away by the clone thing, and voila! The show goes on, Shiro stays present and involved, and Allura still gets to pilot a lion. It's still holding together alright enough, but now the cracks are starting to form:

-With the cause for Allura becoming a pilot being changed from Shiro's death to just, Keith randomly going "aight I'mma head out" it feels much more noticeably like a downgrade; even if it still sorta works as an echo of the classic show's lineup, on its own merits it feels like an unnecessary undermining of her previous position.

-The copypaste, even if Shiro's character shift can be sorta explained by the clone thing, still doesn't feel great for him. His prior PTSD struggles are functionally swept under the rug, and all his prior Death Flags and backstory elements suddenly don't make sense or cause logistical/thematic issues by his death not sticking.

-Not only that, but it also has negative impacts outside of that. Character dynamics become inconsistent, and in particular Keith's character and relationships obviously suffer from being disconnected from everyone instead, and because he was never supposed to leave in the first place, it comes across like nobody even misses him.

-Lance, probably my least-liked character, was supposed to have a whole thing of learning to be a good right-hand-man for Keith, that I guess was what a lot of the ship between them was predicated on? But with Keith dipping out that relationship development and growth for him gets cut, (because it makes no sense with Shiro, who he already respected a ton) so he remains just kinda shitty and unlikable and generally stagnant, which in turn negatively impacts how his actual romance subplot with Allura comes across.

-It just really sucks that Shiro, genuinely a good character in the first two seasons, becomes such a tumor on the rest. I never really cared about Keith, (at least a step up from actively disliking Lance lol) but he deserved better than that. More importantly, Shiro himself deserved better than that.

-Add to that, just, unrelated writing decay for the middle stretch of seasons, (again likely due to writers burning out and then departing one by one) and the cast's hard-earned bonds by the end of the first two seasons increasingly feel soured and weirdly mean-spirited for no good in-universe reason. So the whole Power Of Friendship/Found Family vibe that the show initially had going for it and is still on paper supposed to be a big factor, in practice feels increasingly disingenous and undermined. (I'd say unearned, but part of the problem was they did earn it at first, but now have like, undone all that.)

---

-You might think that at least that whole switcheroo happening before the end of pre-production means that for the last two seasons, they could account for both Keith and Shiro's presence in the show, so that problem could at least be solved, better late then never, right?

-Hahaha no

-Well, first off, initially at least, 7 and 8 were written with all that stuff in mind. Shiro stays leader, Keith comes back and takes a lion again, and Allura gets a new Base ship to regain her old command position, having learned from her time as a pilot. (Along with the ship having extra significance to her personal arc after some events of Season 6) Seasons weren't great for unrelated reasons, but at least on that front it could have worked.

-But the writers still really really wanted Keith to get to become leader even though that ship had long past sailed. And a new executive had joined Dreamworks around that time, so they basically pulled the "If dad says no ask mom" trick and got permission from him to alter things again.

-Because clearly two wrongs can make a right, right?

-So a repeat of the copy-paste thing was done again, but in the reverse direction. Keith now replaces Shiro as the leader, Allura fills in Keith's original spot, and Shiro gets shunted off to the base ship in Allura's place. Technically it's slightly better in that all three are still present, and in theory at least can still maintain their arcs and relationships even with the shift in roles... but in practice it still wreaks absolute havoc on all of that.

-Again, the ship should have had significance to Allura's arc that doesn't get to happen because it's not actually hers now, while it has basically nothing to do with Shiro, so both of them just become stagnant; meanwhile Keith becoming leader just plain doesn't land because all the writing is still oriented toward Shiro being in that role, so it just feels like he's holding the seat for him.

-Also because there's a logistical issue with the powers from Shiro's connection to the Black Lion being cut, Keith gets a random space wolf with the same power, who also winds up stealing Shiro's spot in the Keith/Shiro friendship and so they basically never interact for the last two seasons.

-Keith and Lance at least finally get to have an accelerated, too-little-too-late version of their original intended arc from 3-6, but of course it kinda sucks now so all the shippers are calling queerbaiting.

-In general, there is an attempt made to restore some of the original sense of bonding between everyone that decayed over the middle seasons, but between Keith's long absence, the writing quality still just being bad, (again, giving the benefit of the doubt and assuming the insane crunch was to blame) and the second switcharoo leading to a bunch of dynamics again not quite lining up, it just does not land at all, still feels disingenous and unearned and so on.

-Not from the video but from my friend; again, by this point, whether from burnout or whatever, the previously already-underplayed mecha anime influences feel increasingly disrespected narratively. Said friend could explain the specifics of how and why better than I could, but the big thing I know was a comparison drawn between the handling of Voltron in the story and the handling of the mechs in Gen:Lock Season 2.

-Also there's the Adam problem. In earlier seasons it was introduced via flashbacks that Shiro has an ex boyfriend back on earth that he broke up with due to, basically, all the other death flags that were on him at the outset, trying to protect him from that. The flashbacks were in the middle seasons, but apparenlty were supposed to be in Season 2 before the mandate to un-kill Shiro happened. So like, basically, Shiro's original intended death would have been a case of Bury Your Gays, that despite all the other issues it caused, undoing that was able to prevent. Day saved, right?

-Except then in Season 7 it's revealed that instead, Adam died offscreen during the intervening time, and heavily implied that it's indirectly Shiro's fault for having left. So that... doesn't feel great.

-And then there's the handling of the villains, which I misremembered the most.

-Basically there's the main villains, genocidal conquerors and war criminals with no redeeming traits, and directly responsible for the elimination of most of Allura's people. They're the ones who get basically excused by the narrative, 'oh it wasn't actually really their fault', and treated with kiddie gloves. Also Allura's sacrifice at the end apparently ties into that, too? Which gives that extra skeeviness given the context of their history.

-Then there's the secondary villain introduced around the show's midpoint, the guy I had misremembered as a Kylo Ren knockoff. He's actually a somewhat nuanced sort, doing kinda terrible things but for interesting/understandable reasons, and had a tragic backstory that made abuse survivors relate to him a bit. Was probably never going to be a Zuko, but could at least have had a redemption without forgiveness in a better show. But no, he's the one that gets a disproportionately horrific and sadistic death-worse-than-death that (hopefully unintentionally, but still functionally) thematically affirms/reinforces everything he went through before.

-And finally, there's one last switcharoo that makes everything worse, to complete that rule of three. This is more speculation on the video essayist's part, but basically based on comments by the writers stating they wanted to end the show without any room for sequels, it's theorized that the lions themselves, (being, yanno, mystical semi-sapient machines) rather than the pilots, were supposed to make the big sacrifice in the ending to save the universe. But then the execs once again stepped in to have that changed so the lions could still be used again. Because franchising! (And of course, because Voltron tanked so hard, they didn't wind up doing anything further with them anyway, rendering the change pointless.)

-So instead Allura was put on the chopping block. Who out of universe was the main poc lead who already got her arc mucked up by all the switcharoos and was paired up with the Worst guy Lance, and in-universe was the survivor of a genocide. And not Shiro, who as much as I like him, was supposed to die six seasons ago, and with this being the final season, the mandate to keep him would no longer be relevant to. So yeah, again whether racism was intended is up for debate, and I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but either way the optics are... not great.

-And finally to add insult to injury, as much as the cast being friends would feel unearned by this point, the epilogue still somehow makes an even worse decision by showing them all drifted apart save for yearly memorials for Allura, lending an extra depressing air to everything preceding.

And that's Voltron: Legendary Defender!

---

TLDR: Seasons 1 and 2 were good, but the mandate to keep Shiro involved past his intended permanent death, paired with the insanely tight production schedule and limited budget preventing more extensive reworks to account for that, led to a snowballing set of bad creative decisions that wrecked the core cast. And meanwhile, the last two seasons and finale in particular were plagued with unrelated terrible decisions that could have easily been averted that just made the whole thing even worse.

TLDR TLDR: When you kill a character who isn't supposed to come back, fucking commit to that shit. Also industry crunch and executive meddling are awful and the death of art.

Someone drop the Voltron lore I keep hearing horror stories but I dropped that show like 2 seasons in because I got bored

[liyazaki]

I like Kinnporsche but it also feels kinda disconnected at times to me, like it wasn’t really what I was expecting. The vegas and pete stuff is far more what I was expecting for the entire show and while I adore kinn and porsche as a couple I’m a little sad the show has spent so much time on them and now there’s not as much for vegas and pete. Couple-wise the show is great, but plot, pacing, and tone-wise I think it’s a bit turbulent.

disclaimer: I’m going to try to make some semblance of sense here, Nonnie, but if I don’t, please direct any & all complaints to Ms. Rona, who’s currently kicking my ass.

KinnPorsche has a little bit of everything: it’s hilarious, it’s heavy, it’s stupid-hot, it's full of heart- it’s unhinged. I can see how the tonal shifts could throw you if you went in with specific expectations, like it’s going to be a Serious Mafia Show, etc.

I have zero issue with the pacing, the tone shifts, and yes- even the VegasPete plotline not starting until basically the final hour (though selfishly I would’ve loved to have had more time with them).

here’s why:

1. I’m a firm believer that the audience shouldn’t have to read or know the source material of an adaptation to appreciate or understand the direction being taken. a good adaptation takes you on that journey all on its own, no additional assistance required.

I can only speak from my perspective, though, and I’ve read the books. I’ve been thrilled at how they’ve kept the overall chaotic, fun feel while removing most of the roughest parts (read: nauseatingly problematic vs. comes-with-mafia-life problematic). maybe I would’ve felt more whiplash from the tonal changes if I wasn’t familiar with the source material, but it’s only served to make me appreciate the show more, not less.

I still kinda-sorta enjoyed the books (in between all the unnecessarily-graphic SA and horrible communication), but I cannot stress enough just how much of an improvement the show is. BOC turned a trash heap into feral fandom gold.

2. the focus of this story is & will always be Kinn & Porsche. that was true for the books & it’s true for the show. they’re the main reason to watch- or the intended main reason to watch, anyway. with that context in mind, the amount of screen time given to their story makes sense.

back to that italicized ‘intended’, though: I suffer from second couple syndrome as much as the next clown. I get that just because we’re supposed to root for a couple or enjoy spending the majority of our watch time with them doesn’t mean we’re going to.

personally, I was grumbling to a couple moots weeks ago about whether or not we’d even get a VegasPete story line at this point. even then, though, I saw it as my personal preference coming into play & didn’t use it as a metric by which to judge the quality of the show (still don’t).

I wasn’t promised a VegasPete-centric story going in, so I’m not going to let my thirst for all things them keep me from enjoying Kinn and Porsche’s story, which I’m very much invested in.

with all that boring stuff out of the way: can you imagine if we do end up getting a second season & get to see more of their story play out? the potential of this volatile, toxic pairing with all its raw chemistry to grow into a beautiful, still dark-and-twisty-but-works for them thing? be still my beating kinky heart.

because love comes in all shades, all colors- some with a little more black & blue (heh) than others.

[yououui]

I don’t have my books with me right now and it’s been such a long time but... I’m pretty sure Fai casted a spell on Kurogane so he can call out the sword like Syaoran did before they went to Celes? And it’s not Ginryu, he used another sword called Sohi in Celes, I think...?

Anyway it’s still a big moment for kurofai and I love this scene too <3

Yes! Right before they went to Celes, Fai cast a spell on Kurogane's left arm to hold Souhi the same way Syaoran holds his sword. And also yes very big!!! many much important!!! All about the Very Important Left Arm of Symbolism!

I know you didn't ask for it but as you said it's a big moment so I'm gonna overanalyze this part because I love it

Kurogane's left arm is his Important Symbolic Character Growth Arm. It's the arm he's been cutting to feed Fai his blood and it's the hand that Tomoyo scarred after his village was destroyed, and now it also holds Fai's magic (kinda like Kurogane's blood is in Fai huh). Kurogane's scar is in full display, and we also get a somewhat sweet moment of Kurogane expressing full shock and then concern, because he knows how much Fai never wanted to use his magic. It's a short but powerful moment, seeing Fai willingly use his magic for one of the first times in the entire series for Kurogane, especially when you look back in retrospect and know that Fai knew what fight was coming in Celes, and that this would help protect Kurogane and also help him kill Fai

And then right after this he CUTS THE DAMN THING OFF. He has to chop off his left arm to save Fai from Celes and he does it with no hesitation and the symbolism keeps on giving baby

He cuts off the arm he's been using to feed Fai, which we've seen as a strangely intimate but also very disconnected encounter. Fai drinks from Kurogane's wrist as Kurogane holds his arm out, effectively allowing Fai to remain at a distance despite how close they really are. By cutting off this arm, it's like he's severing that line of disconnect between them

But then, of course, the scar. The scar that Tomoyo gave him and holds all his trauma. That scar. For as much as Kurogane doesn't like to dwell in the past, this scar is a constant reminder to both Kurogane and the audience of Kurogane's past (clamp doesn't draw it prominently for no reason). More specifically, for Kurogane, it's the physical representation of his failure and weakness. In his mind, he lost everything and ultimately received that scar because of his own inability to protect his family (and it's not like he could have done anything, but that's childhood trauma for you). It's the catalyst that fuels Kurogane's main goal from that point onward: true strength, so that night can never happen again. It's the moment that led him down the misguided path of being a murdering ninja assassin and got him sent on the journey in the first place. And it's always right there, a constant reminder for him to always try to be stronger in the truest sense of the word without realizing what "true strength" actually is.

So Kurogane cutting that arm off is like cutting off that reminder, that moment, his past that's been holding him back, whether he realized it or not. He'd been growing and slowly developing an idea of true strength over the entire series, but this was the moment he finally shed the last bits of his past self. Because it's in that moment that he realizes that his strength is useless. It doesn't matter how strong he is, he can't physically pull Fai out of Celes and save him. And then he learns that he can save Fai if he chops off his arm, which he does without a second of hesitation. You think chapter 1 Kurogane would have done that? Of course not, he needs his big muscular arms to be all Strong and cutting one off will hinder him.

But now he knows that his strength won't save Fai, his sacrifice will. So he chops off the Important Symbolism Arm full of scars and Fai's magic and saves Fai, and at the save time, cuts off the last bits of his past that were weighing him down.

[luveline]

hi, jade, first time talking to you.

i still can't believe you got me reading about a child and i'm actually liking it 🗣️🗣️🗣️ lmao, nothing against babies, i just don't particularly like to read stuff about them (meaning i avoid books centered around them), but here we are.

i really like your writing, i guess it might be because (besides being good) you seem to have fun with it, and as someone who truly loves the idea of writing but has a hard time finishing their work, i must ask: how do you do it?

like, honestly. i get the motivation that comes from simply wanting to do something and then doing it. but do you plot or just write at random? do you write shitty first drafts and then go around rewriting? do you also feel like you're a phony sometimes or you always feel like you know what you're doing? idk, i'm a little stuck rn and i guess i just wanna hear read something that helps me finish something i decide to write.

sorry for bombarding you with this 🫠

hi baby

I do have fun! It's all embarrassing guilty wish fulfilment disguised as proper writing I promise you. And please don't be sorry, I'm really okay to answer I don't mind one bit.

Do I plot? Not usually! For most of my bigger fits, it usually comes from my desire to write a scene that I've thought of and making it into something with like a theme or a mood. For example with Day of the Dead, I knew I wanted to write the first scene where reader is sitting on Eddie's front porch, and I knew I wanted to write the scene at the end where they kiss in Steve's car. So that was all about bridging the gap, and just telling that story where the reader was insecure and Steve literally liked her for all the things she was insecure about. I was writing it as I went along. So there is some plot there but not a lot, because I find it very hard to write dialogue if I already know how the scene is ending — the fun for me is in actually writing and planning out the scene as I go!

Do I write shitty first drafts? Kind of! If I'm really struggling with something then I use the ideas but start a new draft. Mostly though, I write (and edit as I go, after a couple of paragraphs I'll reread and fix mistakes) and then at the end of the draft I do go through and read it a couple of times to fix things I'm not happy with (like overuse of commas, bad wording, not enough description) so YES, absolutely there is rewriting!! I'm sorry I don't have a more precise method to share with you, but it's usually just like that :D

Do I feel like a phony sometimes? I'm gonna say no. I don't feel like I don't know what I'm doing as myself as a writer, but in comparison to other writers then yes? I know that doesn't make much sense. I personally don't see my writing as anything that special (which I know ur not supposed to say). Like when people compliment me I I just think like thanks so much but what are you talking about. So actually maybe I do feel like a phony? Im confident in my ability to tell stories I enjoy, but I think I feel a big disconnect between that and other people enjoying them too. It's an insane privilege to be read by others! Insane! TLDR : I wouldn't necessarily say I don't know what I'm doing, but it is surprising to me that people enjoy the finished product, because on a technical level I don't think I have the skill or ability that others do.

I really like writing (shocker) and I'm in this amazing position where I can share it with others, so though I don't always know what I'm doing I suppose it doesn't actually matter once you find 'your' audience

I hope these answers can give u some clarity but if they don't or you have something else to ask, please ask!

[hamliet]

The Crows Summon the Sun

Or, Hamliet’s review of Shadow & Bone, which gets a 4.5/5 for enjoyment and a 3.5/5 in terms of writing.

The true heroes of this story and the saviors of the show are the Crows. However, the problem is that the show then has an uneven feel, because the strength of the Crows plotline highlights the weaknesses of the trilogy storyline. But imo, overall, the strengths overshadow (#punintended) the weaknesses. 

I’ll divide the review into the narrative and the technical (show stuff, social commentary), starting with narrative.

Narrative: The Good 

It’s What The Crows Deserve

I went into the show watching it for the Crows; however, knowing that their storyline was intended to be a prequel, I wasn’t terribly optimistic. And while it is a prequel, the characters have complete and full arcs that perfectly set them up for the further development they will have in the books (which I think should be the next season?). Instead of retreading the arcs they’d have in the books, which is how prequels usually go, they had perfect set up for these arcs. It’s really excellent. 

Jesper, Inej, and Kaz are all allowed to be flawed, to have serious conflicts with one another, and yet to love each other. They feel like a found family in the best of ways. Kaz is the perfect selfish rogue; he’s a much more successfully executed Byronic hero than the Darkling, actually. Inej is heroic and her faith is not mocked, yet she too is flawed and her choices are not always entirely justified, but instead left to the audience to ponder (like killing the girl), which is a more mature writing choice that I appreciated. 

Jesper is charming, has a heart of gold despite being a murderer and on the surface fairly greedy, and MILO THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GOAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER. I also liked Jesper’s fling with Dima but I felt it could be better used rather than merely establishing his sexuality, like if Jesper and Dima had seen each other one more time or something had come of their tryst for the plot/themes/development of Jesper. 

Nina and Matthias’s backstory being in the first season, instead of in flashbacks, really works because it automatically erases any discomfort of the implications of Nina having falsely accused Matthias that the books start with. We know Nina, we know Matthias, we know their motivations, backgrounds, and why they feel the way we do. It’ll be easy for the audience to root for them without a lot of unnecessary hate springing from misunderstanding Nina (since she’s my favorite). Matthias’s arc was also really strongly executed and satisfyingly tragic. Their plotline was a bit unfortunately disconnected from the rest of the story, but Danielle Gallagan and Callahan Skogman have absolutely sizzling chemistry so I found myself looking forward to their scenes instead of feeling distracted. Also? It’s nice seeing a woman with Nina’s body type as a romantic and powerful character. 

Hamliet Likes Malina Now

Insofar as the trilogy storyline goes, the best change the show made was Mal. He still is the same character from the books, but much more likable. The pining was... a lot (too much in episode 4, I felt) but Malina is a ship I actually enjoyed in the show while I NOTP’d it in the books. Mal has complexity and layers to his motivations (somewhat) and a likable if awkward charm. Archie Renaux was fantastic. 

Ben Barnes is the perfect Aleksandr Kirigan, and 15 year old me, who had the biggest of big crushes on Ben Barnes (first celebrity crush over a decade ago lol), was pretty damn happy lol. He’s magnificantly acted--sympathetic and terrifying, sincerely caring and yet villainous in moments. Story-wise, I think it was smart to reveal his name earlier on than in the books, because it helps with the humanization especially in a visual medium like film. Luda was a fitting (if heartbreaking) backstory, but it is also hard for me to stomach knowing what the endgame of his character is. Like... I get the X-men fallacy thing, but I hope the show gives more kindness to his character than the books did, yet I’m afraid to hold my breath. Just saying that if you employ save the cat, if you directly say you added this part (Luda) to make the character more likable (as the director did) please do not punish the audience for feeling what you intended. 

I also liked the change that made Alina half-Shu. It adds well to her arc and fits with her character, actually giving her motivations (she kinda just wants to be ordinary in a lot of ways) a much more interesting foundation than in the books. Also it’s nice not to have another knock-off Daenerys (looking to you Celaena and book!Alina). Jessie Mei Li does a good job playing Alina’s insecurities and emotions, but... 

Narrative: The Ehhhhhhh

Alina the Lamp

Sigh. Here we go. Alina has little consistent characterization. She’s almost always passive when we see her, yet she apparently punches an officer for calling her a name and this seems to be normal for her, but it doesn’t fit at all with what we know about her thus far. Contradictions are a part of humanity, but it’s never given any focus, so it comes across as inconsistent instead of a flaw or repression. 

I have no idea what Alina wants, beside that she wants to be with Mal, which is fine except I have no idea what the basis of their bond is. Even with like, other childhood friends to lovers like Ren/Nora in RWBY or Eren/Mikasa in SnK, there’s an inciting moment, a reason, that we learn very early on in their story to show us what draws them together. Alina and Mal just don’t have that. There’s the meadow/running away thing, but they were already so close, and why?  Why, exactly? What brought them together? The term “bullies” is thrown around but it isn’t ever explored and it needed to be this season. If I have to deal with intense pining for so many episodes at least give me a foundation for their devotion. You need to put this in the beginning, in the first season. You just do.

A “lamp” character is a common metaphor to describe a bad character: essentially, you could replace the character with a lamp and nothing changes. Considering Alina’s gift is light, it’s a funnily apt metaphor, but it really does apply. Her choices just don’t... matter. She could be a special lamp everyone is fighting over and almost nothing would change. The ironic thing is that everyone treating her like a fancy lamp is exactly the conflict, but it’s never delved into. We’re never shown that Alina is more than a lamp. She never has to struggle because her choices are made for her and information is gifted to her when she needs it. Not making choices protects Alina from consequences and the story gives her little incentive to change that; in fact, things tend to turn out better when she doesn’t make choices (magic stags will arrive). 

Like... let’s look at a few occasions when Alina almost or does make choices. For example, she chooses to (it seems) sleep with Kirigan, but then there’s a convenient knock at the door and Bhagra arrives with key information that changes Alina’s mind instantly despite the fact that Bhagra’s been pretty terrible to her. If you want to write a woman realizing she’s been duped by a cruel man, show her discovering it instead of having the man’s abusive mother tell her when she had absolutely no such suspicions beforehand. There’s no emotional weight there because Alina doesn’t struggle. 

When she is actually allowed to carry out a bad choice, the consequences are handwaved away instead of built into a challenge for her. Like... Alina got her friends killed. More than once. I’m not saying she’s entirely to blame for these but could we show her reacting to it? Feeling any sort of grief? She never mentions Raisa or Alexei after they’re gone, just Mal, and I’m... okay. They were there because of you. Aren’t you feeling anything? Aren’t you sad? The only time Alina brings up her friends’ deaths is to tell Kirigan he killed her friends when they were only there because she burned the maps. She yells at Kirigan for “never” giving her a choice, but she almost never makes any, so why would he? Alina has the gall to lecture Genya about choices, but she herself almost never has to make any. 

Which brings me to another complaint in general: Alina’s lack of care for everyone around her when they’re not Mal, even if they care for her. Marie dies because of her (absolutely not her fault of course) but as far as we know she never even learns about Marie. She certainly doesn’t ever ask about her or Nadia. Alina seems apathetic at best to people, certainly not compassionate or kind. 

The frustrating thing is that there is potential here. Like, it actually makes a lot of psychological sense for an orphan who has grown up losing to be reluctant to care for people outside of her orbit and that she would struggle to believe she can have any say in her destiny (ie make choices). It’s also interesting that a girl who feels like an outsider views others outside her. But the show never offers examines Alina’s psychology with any depth; it simply tells us she’s compassionate when she is demonstrably not, it tells us she makes decisions when it takes magical intervention to do so. It’s a missed opportunity. This does not change between episodes 1 and 8, despite the episodes’ parallel structures and scenes, which unintentionally reinforces that Alina had little real development. 

Inej and ironically Jesper and Kaz embody the concept of “mercy” far better and with far more complexity than Alina does. The Crows have reactions to the loss of people who even betray them (Arken, etc), learn, and course-correct (or don’t) when they are even loosely involved in having strangers die. They’re good characters because they change and learn and have their choices matter. When they kill we see them wrestle with it and what this means even if they are accustomed to doing so. Jesper can’t kill in front of a child. Kaz wonders what his killings do to Inej’s idea of him.

Narrative: The Mixed Bag

Tropes, Themes, Telling vs. Showing

So the show’s themes in the Alina storyline are a mess, as they are in the trilogy too. Tropes are a very valuable way to show your audience what you’re trying to say. They’re utilized worldwide because they resonate with people and we know what to expect from them. The Crows' storyline shows us what it wants us to learn.

Preaching tells, and unfortunately, the trilogy relies on telling/preaching against fornicationBad Boys. It’s your right to write any trope or trample any trope you want--your story--but you should at least understand what/why you are doing so. The author clearly knows enough about Jungian shadows and dark/light yin/yang symbolism to use it in the story, but then just handwaves it away as “I don’t like this” but never does so in a narratively effective way: addressing the appeal in the first place. If you really wanna deconstruct a trope, you gotta empathize with the core of the reason these tropes appeal to people (it allays deep fears that we are ourselves unlovable, through loving another person despite how beastly they can be), and address this instead of ignoring it. Show us a better way through the Fold of your story. Don’t just go around it and ignore the issue.

The trilogy offers highly simplistic themes at best--bad boy bad and good boy good, which is fine-ish for kid lit but less fine for adult complexity, which the show (more so than the books) seems to try to push despite not actually having much of it.

Alina and Mal are intended to be good, we’re told they are, but I’m not sure why beyond just that we’re told so. Alina claims the stag chose her, but in the show it’s never explained why at all. Unlike with Kaz, Inej, Jesper, and hell even Matthias and Nina, we don’t see Alina or Mal’s complex choices and internal wrestling. 

Like, Inej’s half-episode where she almost killed the guy they needed was far more character exploration than Alina has the entire show, to say nothing of Inej’s later killing which not only makes her leaps and bounds more interesting, but ironically cements her as a far more compelling and yes, likable, heroine than Alina. We see Inej’s emotional and moral conflict. We can relate to her. We see Kaz struggling with his selfishness and regrets, with his understanding of himself through his interactions with and observations of Inej, Alina, the Darkling, Arken, and Jesper.

We don’t explore what makes Mal or Alina good and what makes them bad. We don’t know what Alina discovers about herself, what her power means for her. We are told they are good, we are told she knows her power is hers, but never shown what this means or what this costs them/her. Their opportunities to be good are handed to them (the stag, Bhagra) instead of given to them as a challenge in which they risk things, in which doing good or making a merciful choice costs them. Alina gets to preach about choices without ever making any; Inej risks going back to the Menagerie to trust Kaz. Her choices risk. They cost. They matter and direct her storyline and her arc, and those of the people around her.

Production Stuff:

The Good: 

The production overall is quite excellent. The costumes, pacing, acting, and cinematography (for example, one of the earliest scenes between the Darkling and Alina has Alina with her back to the light, face covered in his shadow, while the Darkling’s face is light up by her light even if he stands in the shadows) are top-notch. The soundtrack as well is incredible and emphasizes the scenes playing. The actors have great chemistry together, friend chemistry and romantic when necessary (Mal and Alina, the Darkling and Alina, Kaz and Inej, Nina and Matthias, David and Genya, etc.) All are perfectly cast. 

The Uncomfortable Technicalities Hamliet Wants to Bitch About:

The only characters from fantasy!Europe having any trace of an accent reminiscent of said fantasy country's real-world equivalent are antagonists like Druskelle (Scandinavia) and Pekka (Ireland). When the heroes mostly have British accents despite being from fantasy Russia and Holland, it is certainly A Choice to have the Irish accent emphasized. The actor is British by the way, so I presume he purposely put on an Irish accent. I'm sure no one even considered the potential implications of this but it is A Look nonetheless.

The Anachronisms Hamliet Has a Pet Peeve About: 

The worldbuilding is compelling, but the only blight on the worldbuilding within the story itself (ignoring context) was that there are some anachronisms that took me out of the story, particularly in the first episode where “would you like to share with the class” and “saved by the horn” are both used. Both are modern-day idioms in English that just don’t fit, especially the latter. The last episode uses “the friends we made along the way.” There are other modern idioms as well.

IT’S STARKOVA and Other Pet Peeves Around the Russian Portrayal 

Russian names are not hard, and Russian naming systems are very, very easy to learn. I could have waved “Starkov” not being “Starkova,” “Nazyalensky” not being “Nazyalenskaya,”  and “Safin” not being “Safina” as an American interpretation (since in America, the names do not femininize). However, “Mozorova” as a man is unfathomable and suggests to me the author just doesn’t understand how names work, which is a bit... uh okay considering a simple google search gets you to understand Russian names. They aren’t hard. I cannot understand why the show did not fix this. It is so simple to fix and would be a major way to help the story’s overall... caricature of Russia. 

Speaking of that... Ravka is supposedly Russian-based, but it is more accurately based on the stereotypes of what Americans think of Russia. Amerussia? Russica? Not great. 

The royals are exactly what Americans think of the Romanovs, right down to the “greasy” “spiritual advisor” who is clearly Rasputin and which ignores the Romanov history, very real tragedy, and the reason Rasputin was present in the court. The religion with all its saints is a vapid reflection of Russian Orthodoxy. The military portrayal with its lotteries and brutality and war is how the US views the Russian military. The emphasis on orphans, constant starvation, classification, and children being ripped from their homes to serve the government is a classic US understanding of USSR communism right down to the USSR having weapons of destruction the rest of the world fears (Grisha). Not trying to defend the Soviet Union here at all, but it is simplistic and reductive and probably done unconsciously but still ehhhh. 

However, I’m not Russian. I just studied Russian literature. I’ve seen very little by way of discussion of this topic online, but what I do see from Russian people has been mixed--some mind, some don’t. The reality is that I actually don’t really mind this because it’s fantasy, though I see why some do. I'm not like CANCEL THIS. So why am I talking about this beyond just having a pet peeve?

Well, because it is a valid critique, and because it doesn’t occur in a vacuum. The Grishaverse is heralded as an almost paragon for woke Young Adult literature, which underlines itself what so frustrates me about how literary circles discuss issues of diversity and culture. Such praise, while ignoring its quasi-caricature of Russia, reflects a very ethnocentric (specifically American) understanding of culture, appropriation, and representation. All stories are products of their culture to various extents, but it bothers me on principle what the lit community reacts (and overreacts sometimes?) to and what people give a pass to. The answer to what the community reacts to and what it gives a pass always pivots on how palatable the appropriation is to American understandings and sensibilities. There’s nuance here as well, though. 

I'm not cancelling the story or thinking it should be harshly attacked for this, but it is something that can be discussed and imo should be far more often--but with the nuance it begs, instead of black/white. But that’s a tall ask. 

[raindownforme]

Crush

Charlie Slimecicle x Reader [she/her used]

It had been hours since y/n had started her stream. At the beginning of it she’d been working on the origins SMP and grinding at gathering supplies and resources while everyone else was off doing other things. A few times someone had popped onto the VC she sat in, Niki had talked while eating dinner and Ranboo had came to recount his day, but otherwise she had remained alone in the beginning.

But it had been several hours since then. Now it was 3 going on 4 in the morning. She sat curled up on her gaming chair, her eyelids just barely staying open. She was exhausted, but she was determined to stay awake until someone else started streaming. To pass the time, y/n had been interacting with chat and reading aloud donations.

“Hello?” A voice came through her headphones and she jumped, nearly falling out of her seat. “y/n?”

“Oh! Philza!” He chuckled a bit. Her voice sounded light and she began to yawn halfway through her sentence. “How nice to see you. What are you doing up?”

“Well it’s roughly noon for me and I was about to start streaming.”

“Ah. Of course.” She began to tap at some buttons, readying to move around her audience.

“Have you been awake for long?”

“Yeah. But I had a few people visit me.” As the notification of Phil going live dropped, she sent everyone over with a wave. “Niki and Ran came by.”

“Aw you sound disappointed.”

“Well I wanted somebody to come by but I guess he was too busy.”

Philza laughed again. “Yeah? And who’s somebody?”

In her stupor she giggled and winked towards a camera that wasn’t on anymore. “I can’t tell you who I have a crush on.”

The man froze, watching his chat go by a mile a minute. They kept throwing names around, even if they didn’t make sense, and he knew this wouldn’t end up any where good if it progressed. “Is it alright if we talk about this later? Why don’t you get some sleep.”

She yawned and stretched. She slowly went to get out of her chair. “Alright dad. Goodnight. I love you.”

“Love you too.” The discord call made the familiar noise of someone disconnecting and y/n turned off her display. She went and slunk into her bed, nesting underneath the covers, and quickly drifted to sleep.

———

y/n woke up a few hours later. As she sat up the first thing she did was reach for her phone to see a missed call from Ranboo. She went to call back and he picked up almost immediately.

“You are so dumb.”

She groaned and wiped at the sleep in her eyes. “Can I be awake for five minutes first.”

“No actually. You’re trending on Twitter.”

She squinted, trying to recall anything. “Did I do something bad? Was it last night or....?”

“It wasn’t like. Bad. But it was last night. You told Phil on live that you have a crush on someone.”

She paused, feeling her face grow warm with embarrassment. “Did I say who it was?”

“No you didn’t.” She sighed and felt herself relax a bit. “But they’re trying to figure it out. You didn’t make it very hard.”

“Well I didn’t say a name.”

“Yeah so you let them pick from the six men your age who have been on this server. Like I said you’re dumb.”

She sat up and got out of her bed, letting Ranboo sit next to her on speaker. She went to her desk and booted up her computer. She pulled up twitch on one monitor and Twitter on another. Loading up the streaming site, she sorted through all of us Phil’s new clips to look for last night. She found it quickly and began playing it.

“Have you been awake long?”

“Yeah. But I had a few people come visit me.... Niki and Ran came by.”

“Aw you sound disappointed.”

“Well I wanted somebody to come by but I guess he was too busy.”

Philza’s laugh echoed through her monitor’s speakers. “Yeah? And who’s that somebody?”

“I can’t tell you who I have a crush on.”

The clip ended with Philza glancing wide eyed between the camera and his computer monitors. y/n sighed and looked over at her other monitor. Her twitch name was trending. She clicked on the tag and scrolled through countless tweets of clips of her and other boys from the Origins SMP. There were ones of her and Jack, her and Charlie, her and Wilbur, her and Sneeg, and even her and Tommy or Tubbo. She took the time to respond to ones of her and the younger boys, emphasizing that if anyone was going to speculate anything it wasn’t going to be with her and children.

“Ran, what do I do?”

“Ignore it? It’s not like you have an actual crush on any one right?”

She paused, chewing the inside of her cheek. “Ran..”

“Oh! Oh my god!” He started laughing and y/n could hear him fall from his chair onto the floor. He kept laughing as he got up. “Oh please tell me who it is-“

“No! I’m an adult! I don’t have crushes on boys.”

“Oh that is fake!” He kept laughing and y/n rested her head in her hands. “You know you might as well tell me who it is.”

“Yeah fucking right.”

“I’ll black mail you.”

“No you won’t!”

“I’ll show Tubbo your number and he’ll leak it.”

“To who.”

“The discord.”

y/n rolled her eyes. “Yeah yeah yeah. When are you getting on.”

“An hour-ish.”

“I’ll see you then.”

“Alright byeeeeeee.”

Ranboo ended the call and y/n sighed. If she told Ranboo who she liked, he’d eventually tell Tubbo, who’d eventually tell Tommy, until he told someone and so on so forth. They were teenage boys. It wasn’t a very lucrative group. And Tommy seemed to record with Charlie almost every week. It seemed impossible to get by without disrupting something.

y/n went on to busy herself around her home for the next hour or so, doing some cleaning and other chores that had to be done. When she finished, she made her way to her pc to begin recording. She wasn’t planning on a live stream today, but a recording session would still do her channel good.

As she sat to boot up Mojang, she pulled up discord on her second monitor. She saw the kids already in a call; Tommy, Tubbo, and Ranboo.

“Hey boys.” She slipped on her headphones as she entered the call, but they were all yelling.

“DON’T YELL AT ME.”

“I’L YELL AT WHOEVER I WANT WHEN I KNOW I’M RIGHT.”

“ARE YOU TOMMY? ARE YOU RIGHT?”

“Hi y/n.” Both boys stopped yelling as Tubbo pointed out that she had arrived. “Ranboo’s live by the way.”

“Thanks Tubbo. Are you guys on origins?”

“Yep!”

“Great, I’ll be on in a sec.” As she opened the world, she spawned somewhere she didn’t remember. It was dark around her, like she was swallowed by obsidian. “Uhhh, boys? I might be stuck.”

“I told you! I told you I was right! Chat tell Ranboo he’s an idiot!” Tommy started yelling again as Ranboo tried to tell him to shut up.

“That doesn’t explain why I’m surrounded by obsidian. I don’t have a pick!”

“Well, y/n,” she looked over to her discord call to see all the boys had their cameras on now. They all sat with their hands crossed while wearing sunglasses. Ranboo had his full mask on. Meaning he probably had camera on for his stream. Tubbo cleared his throat as he kept talking. “We have some questions for you.”

“If I answer can I get out of here?”

“If you answer honestly.” Ranboo leaned forwards a bit. “You told Philza Minecraft you had a crush on someone, correct?”

“Yeah. Sure. Might I add you’re all immature?”

“Is this crush, a man? Hmm?” Tommy tipped his sunglasses downwards slightly.

“Yes. How many more questions?”

“You’re not done. Is it someone on this server?”

“Does that matter Tubbo?”

“YES.” All the boys shouted in unison.

“Jeez fine. He has played on multiple servers, this could be one of them.”

Tommy slammed his fist on his desk. “HONESTY.”

“YES. HE IS.”

Ranboo gave a fake evil chuckle. “So it’s someone we know. A man we know. A gamer we know. One of us.”

“Yeah yeah.” y/n quickly pulled up twitch on her third monitor, making sure that he wasn’t watching Ranboo’s stream.

“Now y/n. I’m muted on my stream right now. Is it Wilbur?”

“Uhh…” He was there. He was watching the stream. Whatever she answered, he’d know.

“Wilbur! It’s Wilbur!” The boys started cheering as she realized that she didn’t quite answer. But as long as Charlie didn’t know the truth.

“Yeah. Can I come out now?” She watched charlie’s name disappear from the chat. In her game, Ranboo’s character came over to set her free from the obsidian.

“Thank you for your honesty.”

“Yeah no worries. I’ll see you later boys.” She logged out of the server and scooted away from the monitors. She knew she made a bigger problem for herself.

She walked over to her bedside table, taking her phone off the charge, and went to face time Wilbur. He picked up quickly, holding the phone extremely close to his face.

“y/n!”

“Are you streaming?”

“No not at the moment.”

“Great because I fucked something up.”

“Oooooh tell me.” Wilbur propped up his phone in front of him and took a drink of something in a mug.

“So the children- did you see the clip from Phil’s stream?”

“Absolutely. Continue.”

“They went and cornered me into telling who my crush is. And they said you and I was distracted so they assumed you-“

“Is it me?”

“No fuck off. But now everyone thinks it’s you and even worse, the actual person was watching! He thinks I have a crush on you and I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

Wilbur nodded. “Well who is?”

y/n pursed her lips, thinking for a moment before admitting the truth out loud for the first time. “Charlie.”

Wilbur froze, then scrambled to pick up his phone. “I have to go.”

“WILBUR NO.”

The line went dead from Wilbur’s end and y/n groaned, chucking her phone against her pillows. She rubbed at her eyes with her palms, deciding she might as well continue recording.

y/n logged back onto the Origins server, keeping herself out of the active discord calls. She could see that the three boys were still in a call, and Wilbur was talking with Philza. She rolled her shoulders back, getting into the mindset to record.

“Hey everybody!” y/n went on start the recording, talking mostly to herself about finishing construction on her house. It was quite a tall house, built of mostly stone and cobble, but she was still proud of it. The bottom two floors were reserved for storage and mining, and there was one room of entirely water for Niki. The top floor was a large spread patio frames in by dark oak fencing with a glass roof surrounded by dark oak half slabs. Her being a skeleton in the game, having a vantage point helped her snipe enemy mobs. It was also conviennent for attacking creepers to get music discs. She had quite the collection growing already.

“Okay so if I-“ y/n paused, looking over at her other monitor. In the main chat of the Origins SMP server, Wilbur had a sent a singular message.

WilburSoot: dress formally for an event in 2 hours time hosted at the Pubé

y/n took a breath, a bit nervous of what that meant, but still responded to let him know she would be there. In the meantime, she continued on her video, taking the 2 hour period to build herself a lovely garden area and an additional storage area deep underground.

“Thank you everyone! I hope to see you all soon.” She ended the recording and took a breath. There were 15 minutes until Wilbur’s event, and she supposed she had to dress nicer than her pajamas.

A moment later, she returned to her computer wearing her favorite sweater and a comfortable pair of pants. Looking over at discord, she could see most of the Origins SMP members in a discord call together, excluding only Schlatt, Technoblade, and SMajor. She took a breath, thinking for a moment, then clicked into the call.

“Hello?”

“y/n!!!” Jack’s voice screamed through her headphones.

“Sorry he’s a bit loud.”

“OI. AM NOT.”

“Come down mate.” Philza cleared his throat. “y/n. Lovely to have you.”

“Thanks Phil.”

“Before we start, no one’s live at all.”

She paused cueing up the game, her mouse hovering over the server. “Before we start what?”

No one answered. Quietly, she entered the server and made her way to the Pubé.

“Welcome to event of the century.” Ranboo’s character jumped up and down. Every one stood in the Pubé facing her.

“Alright. And what kind of event is this?”

“A ball! With food and drink provided by Philza and music provided by Tommy.” Wilbur’s character ran over to the jukebox in the corner to show her.

“That’s lovely, Will. Was I supposed to be more dressed up?”

“I think you’re perfect as is.” Charlie’s character jumped up and down. She paused, trying to swallow the giddy feeling rising in her chest.

“Let’s begin! Tommy, the music?” Wilbur turned the the teen as he placed the music discs. y/n watched everyone pair off, leaving her and Wilbur alone. Wilbur walked over to her, hitting her playfully.

“Hey Wilbur.” y/n looked over as the two went into a separate call.

“y/n!!! How are you doing? Enjoying the party?”

“Well I haven’t been here very long.” She held her hands closed over her lap. “Wilbur, I feel like there’s something going on here.”

“It’ll be fine. Trust me?”

She sighed, a smile playing at her lips. “Fine.”

“Good.” She could hear the smile in his voice. “Maybe dance around a bit. I’m going to talk with Phil.”

They both left the chat, Wilbur entering a call of just him and Philza and y/n entering the main room. The music was still playing. Everyone seemed to have split off into groups, leaving her alone. She sat by herself, watching everyone mingle about. It was only her in the main call, leaving everyone else in groups, but it was nice. She turned her head to watch her second monitor, seeing Charlie move out of the call with Wilbur and Philza to the main room with herself.

“H-Hey there.” She watched Charlie’s small character bounce over to her. “How’s it hangin?”

“Oh. Uhm. Good I guess. It’s nice to see you back on the server.”

“Yeah I guess I haven’t played in a while. I mean I haven’t streamed that much either but I’ve been recording.”

“That’s nice!”

“Yeah. I mean I’ve been able to watch other streams though.”

y/n thought back Ranboo’s stream earlier in the day, knowing full well Charlie had been watching that one. “Right.”

“We don’t have to talk about it. I mean I know how you feel.”

“Oh. Oh no please tell me Wilbur didn’t say anything.” y/n rubbed at her forehead with the heel of her palms. Convincing the internet she was in love with Wilbur Soot had been a problem in its own, but Wilbur telling Charlie she had a crush on him? “Look Charlie I’m sorry I didn’t want him to tell you it’s just- god you’re so nice and funny and really cute and it’s a stupid crush I never wanted to ruin our friendship. I’m so sorry Charlie.”

The other end of the call was quiet for a moment, but then she head Charlie almost laugh. “You have a crush on me?”

The realization washed over like a tsunami. He’d been talking about the stream, Wilbur hadn’t said anything. “God no wait Charlie-“

“On me? You have a crush on me?”

“Okay now you’re just rubbing it in. I take it back.”

“You can’t take that back!”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you to.”

y/n paused, a smile creeping on her face. “Are you telling me that you have a crush on me over a Minecraft server?”

“You said it first!”

She glanced over at the camera on her computer for a moment. “We could have avoided this the whole time?”

“I- yeah we could’ve.”

y/n giggled, resting her face in her hands. “Is this our first date then?

“No!” She could hear Charlie suck in a breath. “I mean, let me take you somewhere better. Just give me a few days?”

“Days? That’s speedy isn’t it?”

“Okay Maybe weeks. But I’ll take you somewhere. Anywhere. Trust me.”

“Of course.”

She could hear Charlie laugh on the other end of the call. “Until then, how much time do we have to make up for?”

She smiled, settling herself into her chair. “Charlie, more than you could ever think.”

[a-singleboat]

Heather

Word Count: 2.4k

A/N: literally, please do not hate me for this, i just wanted to write domestic dream x reader

Warnings: I think a swear, there’s also a kiss that gets a lil steamy

If there was one good thing about a global pandemic, it was that it meant you got to spend more time at home and less time actually working. Of course, as an educator, you had to still work but at least you got to do it from the comfort of your own desk. The office space was one that you shared with your boyfriend, which wasn’t an issue most of the time. 

But if there was one bad thing about a global pandemic, it was that you had to stay home. While your boyfriend was content to stay at home, you were not. Your need to be out and about had you on daily walks nearly every day but as your self-imposed quarantine grew longer, you found yourself opting to stay home. 

Though, today was different. Today, you had taken it upon yourself to go out and get the groceries while Clay stayed home to work. And by work, you meant to stream a video that most likely would be extremely loud and distracting and you really couldn’t bring yourself to do any work while that went down. 

So there you were, an hour later, arriving back at the home that you and Clay had bought together not too long ago. You’d gotten more than you anticipated to get, finding that it had taken you several trips in between your shopping cart and the trunk of your car to load everything in. You checked your watch. Clay had been streaming for about half an hour before you left and from what you knew, most of his streams didn’t usually last more than two hours. 

You called his phone, juggling the milk in one hand and a reusable bag in the other. Your own phone was pressed between your ear and your shoulder as you used your pinky to open up the door connecting the garage to the house. He picked up a moment later. 

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked. You could hear the sounds of his keyboard clicking in the background, a pang of guilt running through you as you realized that he was most likely still streaming. 

“Nevermind,” you were quick to say, setting the milk jug on the counter. “You’re still streaming, just wanted to know if you were done and could help bring in the groceries but I can do it.” 

“No, just give me a moment,” Clay said, shifting his focus from you to his stream. “Guys, I gotta go help my girlfriend really quick. Uh, George and Sapnap, entertain the stream for a quick moment.”

You heard him take his headphones off and get out of his chair before the office door opened upstairs. You hung up the phone, grinning as he slid around the corner with a smile on his face. 

“Hi, baby,” you greeted him, kissing his cheek when he walked over to you. He blushed, peppering your face in kisses in order to hide his embarrassment. “How’s the stream going so far?” 

“Terribly,” Clay groaned, rubbing his upper arm. He had told you that he was doing a stream involving a shock collar but you weren’t expecting him to do it today. “But maybe if you sat in the office and watched while I streamed, it wouldn’t be as bad.”

You scoffed, pushing him away from you. You took up the milk jug, opening the fridge and sliding it into its place. “Or, you can go get the rest of the groceries from the car and then maybe I’ll consider it. I still have to grade my papers, too, bubs.” 

“I think the high schoolers can wait a little longer for their grades, babe,” he deadpanned. You looked over at him, laughing when you saw his pouted lip. He’d switched tactics by then, trying to get you to do what he wanted by attempting to look as utterly adorable as possible. It was endearing, that much was true. 

“I’ll stay in the room instead of doing my work out here while you stream, how about that?” You asked, starting to unpack the groceries. He immediately perked up, nodding rapidly in agreement with the compromise you offered. You rolled your eyes playfully. “Now go get the bags from the car. You’ve got people waiting on you.” 

His eyes widened as he realized that he had abandoned his audience of nearly a million viewers. He ran out to the car and grabbed the groceries in record time, coming back and setting them on the counter before giving you a quick kiss on the lips and yelling, “I love you!” as he disappeared back up the stairs and into the office.

You took your time putting the rest of the groceries away, listening to the faint sounds of Clay in pain for about ten minutes before ultimately deciding that you should make good on your promise. 

You entered the room, closing the door behind you before grabbing your laptop and wheeling your chair over next to his. You pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before settling in next to him. It was mostly peaceful, Clay trying to hold in his screams as to not startle you each time he got shocked. At one point, he had decided to take a break to try and calm down. You took his hand in yours, rubbing soothing circles into the space between his thumb and his index finger. 

“You okay?” you asked, looking up at him in concern. You had finished grading maybe a third of your papers, having been distracted by the gameplay for longer than you cared to admit. 

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, wincing as he realized his mistake. He pushed the headset off his ears, yelling into his mic for George and Sapnap to shut up before putting it back on. You couldn’t hear what his friends were saying but you could read the chat that was displayed on his second monitor, his viewers going insane as they asked who he was talking to. 

He muted his mic as quick as he could, looking over to you with wide eyes. “I’m so sorry, babe. I completely forgot I had my mic on.” 

“It’s okay,” you reassured him, still rubbing circles into his hand. “We’ve been together, what, five years? They would have found out sooner or later.”

“But your job…” he looked at you. 

“They don’t need to know my real name,” you giggled. “They’ll most likely end up calling me ‘Dream’s Girlfriend,’ or something. Like how they call your mom ‘Dream’s Mom,’ and Tommy’s ‘Motherinnit’.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Talk about me all you want,” you assured him. “But just don’t say that I’m a bitch and that you don’t like me.”

“The bar is so much lower than I ever imagined,” he quoted back at you, laughing slightly as he turned his mic back on. You figured you wouldn’t be getting any more work done that night so you opted to close your laptop. You scooted in closer to him, steering clear of the shock collar on his arm.

“Hey, guys,” he talked to his chat. “Sorry I keep disappearing on you guys. Uhm, I guess we can take this moment to have a chat? I kind of want a break from getting shocked a thousand times over.” 

He disconnected his headphones so you could hear the conversation going on between him and his friends as well. Immediately, the familiar voices of George and Sapnap flooded the room, both yelling about how Clay had never told them about you before. 

You leaned in closer to the mic, looking back at Clay and laughing for a bit before speaking up. “Hi, guys!” you said. “I’m, uh, Dream’s Girlfriend, I suppose.”

“‘I suppose,’” Sapnap chortled as he repeated your words. You flushed, realizing your most likely poor choice of words. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Be nice, Sapnap,” George scolded the younger man. You couldn’t help but laugh. “She’s probably nervous or something.”

“I am very nervous,” you giggled. You felt Clay’s hand grab yours, squeezing slightly as a bit of encouragement. “Uh, someone in the chat asked how long Dream and I have been dating… It’s been a little over five years now. We celebrated our anniversary back in July, actually.”

“Best five years of my life,” Clay added, reaching out to tickle your sides. You shrieked, squirming away from his hands. 

“Baby, no!” you yelled, gasping in surprise as you fell over into his lap. He pulled you in close, settling you on his lap as he read the chat over your shoulder. 

“What’s her name?” he read. “Her name is Dream’s Girlfriend. When did we meet? We met while I was still in school, actually. We were friends for, I think, two years before I asked her out.” 

You nodded along. “Yeah, two years sounds about right. Also, I distinctly remember it being me to ask you out, not the other way around.” You brought your watch up to your face, noticing the time. “But I digress. I have to go make dinner so you should hurry up and beat Minecraft so we can eat together.”

“What are you making?”

“I’m thinking ziti,” you teased, getting up off his lap. You gave him a quick kiss before leaving him to his stream. You grabbed your phone off your desk before heading downstairs, opening Twitter as you went. 

See, that was the thing about total anonymity. You could have a stan Twitter account, decorated by Clay himself, to keep up to date with everything going on in his life. While he asked about your day, you could take your lunch break to catch up on the latest Twitter events. 

Today, as expected, the latest Twitter event was you. People were going crazy, tweeting about Dream’s Girlfriend and speculating on who it could be. You liked a few tweets, laughing at the ones that didn’t make sense as the pasta boiled. A few mutuals, people you had actually become close friends with, were messaging you like crazy, all shouting about, well, you. 

I wish I were Heather, your friend typed out, sending the audio clip from the five minutes you’d talked during. You got a good laugh out of that, reacting to her message with the laughing emoji. You finished making dinner, occasionally responding to the group chat as you did. About thirty minutes after you’d left Clay, you finally heard him wrapping up the stream, thanking his viewers before signing off. 

“I’m gonna head to dinner now,” you heard him say to his friends. You didn’t hear their response but you heard Clay’s, which was, “Yeah, I know.”

He came bounding down the steps about ten minutes later, stretching his arms over his head as he yawned. He rubbed his arm a few times, wincing as he felt the aftershocks from the shock collar. 

“Do you want to take a bath tonight?” you suggested, plating the pasta for him. He entered the kitchen, wrapping his arms around your midsection as you finished pouring the pesto sauce on his plate. He pressed feather-light kisses into your neck, tickling you with the facial hair he had grown over the past couple of weeks. 

“And maybe I’ll shave,” he contemplated, tickling you further. You giggled, reaching a hand up to scratch his growing beard.

“I like it though,” you admitted. “Makes you seem older, more refined.”

“But you won’t let me do… things when I have a beard.”

“Because when you do things with a beard, it causes, like, carpet burn.”

He hummed. “I’m going to shave.” 

“You should check Twitter, by the way,” you mentioned nonchalantly. “Your stans are having a meltdown.” 

He pulled out his phone, holding it in front of you as he opened the app. Immediately, his feed refreshed and there was nothing but mentions of Dream and his mysterious girlfriend. One tweet caught your eye, reading, I don’t think that Dream actually has a girlfriend and it’s just Sapnap with a voice filter on. 

You both laughed at that one, taking his phone so that you could like it and respond, You got me, with the laughing emoji after. “That’s just going to confuse them more,” he said, shutting his phone off. “But enough about that, dinner looks amazing.”

“Made with love,” you cooed, turning in his arms to give him a kiss. He moved the two of you to the side, pressing you against the counter instead of the stove. Your arms made their way around his neck, twisting into the base of his dirty blonde hair and pulling hard enough to pull a soft moan from his lips. 

He was the first to pull away, his need for air outweighing his want to continue kissing you. You continued to kiss down his neck, giggling when he groaned in reaction to you sucking a hickey into his sweet spot. 

“I love you,” he said, once you’d finally separated. “And I know that everyone is excited that I have a girlfriend now, but if you start seeing hate, please tell me. I don’t want you to have to go through that alone.”

“I love you, too,” you sighed, tracing shapes into his chest. “And I’m a big girl, Clay. I’m sure I can handle a few trolls on my own.”

He put his hand under your chin, gently guiding your eyes up to meet his. “I know you can handle yourself, but you shouldn’t have to. Promise me you’ll tell me.”

It was cute, how overprotective over you he was. He looked at you with concern, looking to be debating between sending a tweet to his fans to be respectful and making a video and posting it. Most of his fandom was respectful, though there were a few people that went out of their way to send hate. 

You sighed, lowering your shoulders and settling into his chest. He rested his chin on the top of your head as you muttered a quiet promise to him. You knew that Clay just wanted to keep you safe, which was part of the reason as to why you gave in so easily. He only had your best interests at heart and you knew that. 

“You’re the most important person to me, I hope you know that.”

“I do,” you said softly. “And you’re the most important to me. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

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