#like i give myself time to think of nice metaphors or even just wordings and stuff

[hwajin]

sometimes i feel bad about not writing/ being able to write as much as i used to like 4 years ago on here but then i read through my old works and realize it was literally sheer quantity over quality and i CRINGEEE so bad at how i just... never much thought about what i write and how i write it? like i got a request and just rolled with it without trying to be super original or anything, now i sit 10 minutes over a single sentence trying to make it sound as beautiful as possible (and the time is definitely worth it imo)

[fishnapple]

How to love yourself better? A request letter from yourself. (Channelled message)

This is a general reading meant for multiple people. Take only what resonates and leave out the rest.

Your feedback is much appreciated. If you find the reading resonated with you, leave a comment, I’d love to know 🎐

About me | Masterpost

Book a reading with me - KO-FI (Read this post : personal reading)

1. White

Dear myself,

If I could light a fire right now, I could, just to see if that fire can compete with my light, our light. And yet I got a feeling that fire will burn brighter than us, just because it had someone to start it. But ours didn't. We stowed our fire away, our light, for fear of burning the eyes of the world? Or for fear of being engulfed in the sea of darkness outside?

Have you ever seen a solar eclipse? People gathered to watch it, a brief moment of the sun being eaten. A brief moment. Imagine how the world would be if that brief moment turned into a very long moment, an eternal one? Panic, fear, despair. We have prolonged our solar eclipse for far too long, let the Sun has its shine. Does it sound arrogant when I talk of us as the Sun? No, you should get used to it. To be the light, the be seen. Even when the Sun seems like a solitary existence on the sky, it's not, so are we.

I wanted to tell you many beautiful words, give you praises and a pat on the head. Sounds embarrassing, right? We should learn to do that more often. And then practice it with other people too, we all need it sometimes, a lot of times.

Do you know what will happen when we turn the anger on ourselves? Somehow, it will ricochet inside us and finally shoot out at other people. It's painful, for us and for them. Let's hold it in our hands, watch it breathe and stroke it gently, find where does it hurt and tend to it, then poof- it's gone. You catch anger not by throwing it around and putting it in a cage but let it heal and fly away on its own.

I'm sure that sometimes you will find yourself drowning in life, in other people's water. Losing yourself could be your worst nightmare. But you will never lose me. It's odd how we're surrounded by people but feel like we are alone in our struggle. Where did all the people go? Are they also drowning like us? In a different sea? I hope that all the seas are connected to each other so we can all find others to swim with us.

Till the next sun rise, yourself.

2. Pink

Oh, how I want to just throw away everything and run barefoot on the sand. To lie face up, watching the clouds passing by for hours. To paint the wall bright pink and yellow (this combination might hurt your eyes if you stare too long, though). But we're not a kid anymore, or so people have told us, much like how we've told ourselves, convinced ourselves to behave.

It's fascinating to watch the process of our resistance to what is taught to us. Why do we resist it so much? It feels like being gravely offended. We have our principles, and now we have to listen to others telling us what is right? What is wrong? Let me tell you, in a small whisper, it's actually nice to listen. Just listening, not obeying. It will feel like swallowing a rock. Maybe we could learn from the chickens a little, metaphorically. They swallow small rocks to aid in healthy digestion. So let's swallow some of the hard lessons.

You always like to think in concrete fashion. You try to touch your thoughts with your own hands and knead them, mould them into whatever you want. And when you're dropped into a relationship with someone, you find yourself lost that ability. It's all a jumble mess. You find your hands reaching out, grasping for something. How about the other person? Are you afraid that you will lose yourself if you hold on to them? It's fine, you won't. It's just an outdated belief that you've held on for far too long.

As we were talking about swallowing, you may want to watch what you're swallowing into your stomach, literally. Watch what you eat! Don't make yourself, ourselves suffer by bringing unhealthy things into our body. We may want to live long, you know.

Hey, if you find a dance class is too embarrassing, how about we turn off the light and dance with each other in the middle of the night. Nobody will know, but we will feel good (I'm not trying to be a flirt with myself here)

Your best friend, love.

3. Red

Make me a cup of tea, please.

Let's have a chat, just us, lying around lazily, sipping our favourite tea, imagining some weird scenarios to entertain us, playing some puzzle.

I don't have much to tell you because we talk to each other every day and I know you always try to be better for us. I love you and I'm proud of you. Let's be vain and give ourselves applause every day. Make it a pinky promise.

A reminder when you're feeling sluggish and slow, we are going to exactly where we need to be. You are guided and protected.

Keep on shining and be the little kid that runs around in the rain.

I love it when you're running wild, letting yourself, me, free, splashing colours everywhere. I just want to grab other people's hands and drag them to the dance. I love it when you're laughing, loudly, even better when you jolted others around you, oh, their surprised look, priceless.

Just be sure to take care of your body. Don't over tasking them. Work hard, play hard, but rest hard also.

Have you been thinking about going on a trip somewhere? No? Then, allow me to make a gentle request. Let me put the idea in your head. Go on, go to wherever you're thinking, there might be a surprise waiting for us, *hint: it will make our heart flutter*.

Let's make it a ritual to go on a trip every year. Let's give our mind and spirit a makeover. Dust off any tangled mess we have and prepare a space for new things to come into. I'm so excited.

It's got me thinking lately, there's this small blinking light in the back of our mind, sometimes I can see it, sometimes I can't. I want to find out what it is. It's like a signal, trying to reach us, can you feel it? Sometimes, there's this odd feeling swelling inside that you can't put your hand on and naming it. I think if we can sit still, quiet, in the dark, we could see it better. It's guiding us. To where? I got a feeling that it's somewhere deep, somewhere with a treasure, waiting for us. If we can uncover it, it will be the greatest gift that the universe has ever given us. So let's go and find it.

Love, myself.

4. Green

I have some news for you. Brace yourself for changes. They're coming, very fast, very soon. Sit yourself tight. I don't want to give spoilers, but I guess we will receive some sudden confessions or offers. What you will do with those confessions is completely your choice. You don't have to feel guilty if you don't return their feelings, my dear.

I think the way the universe is sending us this kind of surprise is telling us to reconsider our 'single' thinking mode. We have stood alone, strong and independent for so long, I think it actually makes us a little too comfortable in being alone that the thought of getting into a connection with someone can be daunting. Will we lose our freedom? What if we are dependent on them? This time, the universe is saying: 'you and your worries will not make a good journey together, break up with those worries, here, I will throw in some opportunities for you to practice '.

If you don't want romantic connection at the moment, fine, different types of connections will come. No matter what, the universe is determined to get us involved with other people. It's for our own good. I have to admit that it's hard. It's not easy to change our way of thinking and believing. So surprises will be needed.

When opportunities come, the gate is opened, we just need to receive them. Walking through the gate will feel like walking out of a confinement into the wild, lively world outside. We will be propelled into a new path that we hadn't even considered in the past. Beware of what you said in the past about how you don't want to do something, you can't imagine yourself doing something. Well, guess what, we are going to do just that, joke on us.

So, in the meantime, even if you're resisting, it's fine. Just take care of yourself, of us. Obsessive worrying can sadden our body.

Something is going away, giving space to a new energy coming in. This new energy will be softer, more loving. The harshness of the past will go away soon. Trust me.

Love, Your companion.

[ddaz3d-and-cc0nfused]

Hello!! Love your writing. Not sure if you are doing requests, but ANYTHING Logan Howlett x Plus Size reader would be awesome 💗🤩

fem!plus size reader, wc: 582.

a/n: THIS IS SICKENINGLY SWEET OH MY GOODNESS. maybe this may seem out of character to some people, but in my opinion, I think logan is a big ol' softie.

cw! mentions of knarly injuries and stitches + mentions of a needle.

Okay yes, Logan might be brooding, and emo and mysterious but God forbid that you actually get hurt, because this man would lose his shit (in less than dignified words).

Let’s say metaphorically you go out on a mission and when you come back, you’re a little worse for wear. You already know by the time you make it to the clinical room Logan would have raised hell on his path there. 

You have a few seconds of silence as you sit down on the medical table before you cringe at the sound of Logan’s voice booming down the hall. Jean gives you a look and all you can do is sigh exasperatedly.

You love him, you really do, but your head hurts and so does your side, which has been gracefully exposed to the open air, a less than preferable gash ripped through your skin. You’re trying really hard not to look at it - or even think about it - rather focusing on the Wolverine who’s now glaring at you.

“The hell happened?” 

“Wow Logan, I can really feel the love.” 

He gives you a look that makes the next bite of sarcasm die in the back of your throat. Instead, you replace it with another fruitless sigh.

“Big nasty metal thing,” You say with a wave of your hand, “‘Was just throwing shit at people and I got hit with a nice piece of shrapnel, but I’m good.”

“Good? You call being cut up like that good?”

“I really don't want to fight right now, Wolvie.” You pinch the space between your eyes. He softens ever so slightly at the intimate nickname and it doesn't take a mutation to know that the extra presence of your peers wasn't needed.

“Just let me stitch you up and I'll leave you guys to talk.” Jean says, already tweeding the thread through the needle. You wince, sparing a glance at the redhead before reaching Logan's eyes once more.

“This is going to fucking suck.” You grimace. 

Taking the hint, Logan walks and hops onto the bed as gently as he can so as to not jostle you. He doesn't speak when he takes your hand in his, squeezing it ever so slightly in a show of alliance. 

When Jean gets started you force yourself not to look, turning your head to bury it in Logan’s burly shoulder, breathing in his cigar scent stained flannel. It’s comforting to say the least, and it’s the only thing keeping you from passing out. The worst part was the numbing needle really.

“Alright, I’m done.” She says, slipping the medical gloves off and throwing them away. 

When you make eye contact with her, she gives you a knowing look. “I’ll leave you to it.”

The room is silent for a moment before he speaks. “What were you thinking?” It’s a petulant grumble, and you smile fondly. “It wasn’t like I actively tried to get myself hurt, you know.” 

He sighs, and pulls away from you so he can cradle your cheek. 

“You’re gonna be the death of me one day, you know that?” 

You laugh out loud, leaning forward to rest your forehead on his. “I guess you’re just going to have to keep up with me then, old man.” You tease. He smirks, “Old man? Really?”

“Mhm.” You nod with a grin. Logan places a sweet, long peck onto your lips.

“Maybe I’ll just handcuff you to the bed.”

You snort, “I’d like to see you try.”

[hidefan]

Imagine you are a person who enjoys watching TV after a long day to decompress and be entertained for an hour or two without having to think too much. One day you discover this new show with Angela Basset and Connie Britton and decide to give it a chance. And wow, Athena's a badass! The emergencies are fun, the characters are very likeable, you keep watching. You are a little ambivalent about Buck at first, but he grows on you. You are sad when Abby leaves and breaks Buck's heart, so you hope Buck finds a nice girl to settle with eventually.

Years later, you learn this show you like is now on ABC. As usual, you are hooked with the opening emergency and excited for a new season. Then you see Buck kissing a man and get very confused. Why is he doing that? You've never even considered that Buck could be anything but straight, not even once. Isn't he always chasing girls? So he's suddenly gay? Well, no, he says he still likes women, so now he apparently likes men too. You're not sure about this new development, but whatever, this Tommy guy is charming and cool and seems very nice, and Buck looks really happy, and all of his friends and family are happy for him, even Bobby says he approves, so yeah, you guess you don't mind he has a boyfriend now, maybe he's just trying new things and soon he'll be with a new girl, or maybe this time it will work out, who knows, Tommy calling Buck Evan feels special.

You don't think about the show until September, when it's back on your TV. Okay, so Buck is still with that guy, they are cutesy and seem to really like each other, you realize you actually like them together. Tommy seems to care about Buck a lot, he looks at him like he hung the moon, he doesn't care Buck's face is full of boils or that he's convinced he's cursed, they are fun and adorable together. You see Buck saying that it's the people you love that makes life worth living while looking adoringly at Tommy, not with those words, but with that sentiment. You are glad Buck's finally found his person. And to be honest, you were a little tired of seeing him in a failed relationship after another, so this is great.

Then you see the next episode. Oh, they both dated Abby? Okay, it's a little weird, but just last season Eddie hooked up with his late wife's doppelgänger, so not the most soap opera-y thing this show has done, and it's normal a couple goes through a little bit of drama.

You see Buck say all of these things:

"Yes, I care about him a lot and his needs and wants are as important as mine."

"I don't like what he did to Abby, but I understand why he did it and I see myself having a future with him."

"Until now, Abby was my most important relationship. Now it's Tommy."

"I'm ready to take the next step with him, so I'd really like us to live together."

"It's still soon, but a future engagement and marriage are absolutely on the table."

"My first same-sex relationship can be my endgame."

"Why be apart when we can be together."

And Tommy says he wants more than anything to be Buck's last. So wow, okay! This is serious!

Then you get extremely confused when they break up. Weren't they just happy together a minute ago? Weren't they literally saying to each other how much they want a future together? They haven't said I love you yet, but the sentiment is absolutely there, no?

You usually don't think a lot about the show between one episode and the next, but this time you log on your Facebook and leave a message on the official page. "Hey, why did Buck and Tommy break up if they were so happy together? This feels so sudden and strange. I'd like to see more of this relationship!" You see more comments like yours, so it looks like more people think the same, it's not just you.

You don't read interviews. You are not on social media theorising about couch metaphors or the significance of certain wardrobe colors and you've never heard the words 'media literacy'. You just watch the show and saw a happy couple that you had already warmed up to break up for no reason at all and that left you confused and disappointed. You just don't have the energy to see Buck trying again with a different person, if it was bound to be another failed relationship why bother having Buck in a relationship with a man in the first place? Why so much effort in make you care about Tommy if it was for nothing?

But okay, Buck is baking constantly because he wants to reach out to Tommy, and Tommy also wants to reach out, and then you remember Maddie and Chimney also broke up and then got back together, and didn't Hen cheat on Karen all those years ago and they got past it? Surely if an infidelity wasn't a dealbreaker, Buck and Tommy can fix their issues. So they'll probably get back together when the show comes back, you think, especially now that Buck's best friend is leaving and oh, something is happening to Maddie too? Well, he's definitely gonna need the support of the man he loves, you conclude. Knowing this is how this show does drama, you don't think any more about it until it gets back months later.

And when the show comes back in March, it's possible you don't remember Tommy is a firefighter too, it's been too long since the last time it was mentioned. So maybe that's why the 217 shows up in an emergency and his name is mentioned.

And maybe you also forgot he was a pilot firefighter, so maybe that's why there's an helipad involved.

Because maybe those things are gonna be important for the emergency at the end of the season. Or maybe they won't. But you don't know nor care because you are not constantly obsessing about the show like we do, lol.

[yuyu1024]

Take a chance

Pairings: Seonghwa × y/n & Wooyoung [ex bf]

Genre/tags: fake relationship to real??

Warning: cursing, smoking/drinking, cheating (pls dont do this), insecurities, jealousy, with 🔞 smut/angst, sensual touching, dry humping, cursing, pet names, unprotected sex, blowjob/handjob, mention of period

~~~ [lmk if i miss anything]

Words: 4.6k

Disclaimer:

- this story is just made up

- english is not my first language, please be nice 😊

Note: Part 2 for Jealous

I hope its good enough for the first part 🙏🏻  its sort of rushed at the end coz i finished it so late 😅 and as usual, I do write when I'm about to pass out, to sleep.

Again, thank you for those liking my short fics 🫶🏻

***

"Unnngghhhh... aahhhh...s- so good!"

Fucking hell. What am I doing? Why am I here again? At his place, panties off and riding him like my rent is due tomorrow. What the fuck happened to me? I'm not like this... I'm...

"Fuck!" I cry as I intertwined both my hands with his. "I'm... about to... explode." I am catching my breathe.

"Let it go..." he answers and then pulling you down just enough so he could kiss you on your pinkish lips. "Come for me..." he snarls as you separate.

And I did.

I threw my head back and just released everything. I even think my soul left my body coz I am shaking like a twig.

"You are amazing..." Seonghwa sits up and embraces me. "You are beautiful..." he leaves gentle kisses on my shoulder and my neck. "You are happiness..."

His words. Since we agreed with this fake dating thing. I thought, everything will be just like the same as our relationship before. Casual. But the more we spend time together or should I say, have sex in his place or mine the more he became vocal, praising me, saying such nice things to me. I don't know why but I'm not used to it. Or maybe, I'm flustered every time and I can't just express it.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing but... it's just new to me. Wooyoung compliments me yes, however, when Seonghwa does it. It feels different. It makes my heart skip a beat.

"I make you happy?" I snort a laugh as I relax my tense body. "Are you saying that because your dick is still in me and you want to go another round?" I joke

He smiles softly, "No..." and then he tugs my loose hair behind my ear. "Unless you want to..." and then kisses the corner of my lips.

"Really?" I start to tease him by moving my hips again.

He grunts as he felt my tightness and then softly giggles, "you're being naughty..."

He turns us both around. Now he's on top and my back is on his bed. I am giggling like a little girl, enjoying his reaction.

"Let me show you... why you should not tease me like that..."

He goes on to nibble every inch of my skin. Making me moan like we didn't just had an amazing sex a second ago.

Seonghwa really does a very good job at making me weak and fold in an instant. His lips, his tongue, his eyes, his words and his.... length. Everything about him had become my krytonite but at the same time fills my emptiness inside of me. Both metaphorically and literally.

Though, all of this is fun and satisfying. Our relationahip is NOT true. This is all fake. We are not IN LOVE.

Which pains me a little deep inside actually. How the fuck this have to happen to me? Finding someone that is making me happy, enjoy life, makes me feel like his only girl in the world and gives effort to get to know me turns out to be someone who is just a friend, a nice friend, that I cannot make myself fall in love witu.

I need to pause on this feelings I am having. I need to focus on me and not us. Coz there is no US.

FUCK.

***

I must've fallen asleep after having another round.

I'm still lying on his bed, face down and his white thick blanket is wrapped around me.

"It's snowing..." I mumble as I blink away the sleepiness in my eyes whilst looking outside his window. "It's been that long..." Referring to our deal.

Didn't realize that we've been doing this for more than half a year already.

I roll over looking up at his ceiling. "I've been fucking him...that long...?" I ask myself. "Hmm..."

Then my phone pings, cutting me from my deep thoughts. I get up, covering my bare top with the blanket, and check who messaged me.

WY: It's snowing. Don't forget to bring a jacket and a scarf. ♥️

I heavily sighed after reading his text. I don't get him. Him, pushing and pulling my feelings is getting on my nerves.

A month into my deal with Seonghwa, I thought, well, he made me think that he still have feelings with me. After getting jealous and all with hwa. Then after that he became cold with me again and flaunts his new girl, face to face. Then he continued sending me text messages like this, whenever he wants. Like, what? He dumped me right? And he's with a girl so... why?

And also, why does it bother me? I should be happy right? Since all of these acting is affecting the guy who just dated me just because. I am getting to him.

"Everything alright?"

Holy crap. He looks devine coming out of his bathroom; topless, freshly showered. His pants is just hanging perfectly around his hips and the band of his underwear is slightly showing. And his hair... its longer now.

Fuck! Y/N get a grip! Stop drooling!

I look away, acting fine as if his presence does not affect me. Even though my stomach is already twisitng.

"Yeah..." I answer then locking my phone and putting it back on the bedside table.

He pauses drying his hair and lays the towel around his neck. "Is it Wooyoung?"

I nod.

"He's been texting you frequent."

"Yeah... he does..." I lower my gaze on my hands.

"How do you feel?"

Nothing. Yes I am irritated but that's just me not liking him sending me mix signals. That's only it.

Before I speak, I look back up at Seonghwa. I want to guess what he's thinking. I want to know what he feels about me. Because while fucking, all I could see through his eyes is that he wants me and that he can't let me go.

Maybe I'm just overthinking about lust over love. I'm sure I'm not his type. I've seen the girls he had dated before, they are way, way up there. While me, I'm just an ordinary girl. I cannot be labelled as pretty nor beautiful.

Yeah he does say I am but his dick is literally inside of me whenever he does or when we are cuddling and making out.

Damn. Wait. Am I really into him? Stop! I should not go there. No. Or esle, I'll get myself hurt again.

"Ahm..." I look away from him. "Fine I guess..." then I scoot over to get to the edge of the bed, to make my way to the shower. "I'll get ready too..." I try to act as normal as I can. Smiling even then handing him the blanket that's covering my whole body and then walk pass him.

***

I really can't focus in my classes. My over analyzing have been affecting me for these past two weeks and it sucks. My life was so dull not until Seonghwa happened. I get excited going to Uni or if not I get exciting meeting after class and getting back to our places together. Now, I am ruining it.

Maybe I should just chill and enjoy this. And just be prepared for all the heart break and crying later.

"Hi!" Wooyoung appears out of nowhere, kissing me on the cheek.

"What the fuck?" I hiss at him.

I have to be quiet. We are at the library.

"What?" He acts innocent.

I roll my eyes at him and go back to reading my notes. "Go away..."

"Why are you being so cold to me? We're friends."

I glare at him. "We were. Then you made me your girlfriend and then dumped me..."

"But you've moved on right?"

My eyebrows shows my irritation. "What do you want, Wooyoung?"

He smirks and then shrugs. "Nothing... I swear"

"Don't. I know you." I snap at him

He smiles, "Fine." and then proceeds on sitting next to me. "You and Seonghwa... what's the deal?" His tone changes. "Are you two dating?"

"Why do you care?"

"Well because... Seonghwa--"

"If you're going to tell me something bad about him... stop okay? Don't make shit up just because you don't like seeing me hanging around him more." I am in no mood today. Plus I'm on my period.

"Y/N..."

I sigh as I start to pack my things. "Whatever him and I have... or do... it's none of your business... you two are friends and I am your ex... that's it. If we don't tell you things about us... it's on us... because it is our privacy." I slide my bag over my shoulder, "also... if you are really his friend... don't text his girl. Have decency."

I walk away.

Wow. That felt good. I don't know why. Sorry Wooyoung... I know you are not a bad person. You are just... off every now and then when it comes to things you think you own. And You don't own me. Not anymore.

****

<Seonghwa's POV from the morning of the firt snow>

I got up from my bed to answer the door. I have to admit, I am a little grumpy because I don't like waking up early especially if my class is in the afternoon. But then,

"Hi..."

I think I blinked more than ten times before I could process the fact that, Y/N, is standing at my door, this early in the morning.

"Hi..." I answer back as I brush my hair away from my face.

"Sorry to bother you... this early... but I just want to check if I left my books here last week?" She asks scratching her head. "I can't find it at my place. And I already asked my classmates if they borrowed them..." she trails

She's blushing.

I want to pull her in right now. I want to... I want to grab her by the waist and give her a kiss. I want her... now. If only she's my girl.

"You want to come in?" I ask, "I mean... to look?"

When she smiles, her cheeks are reaching the heavens. She's so beautiful.

She enters my place like she's destined to be here. I know I just recently moved dorm but looking at her, knowing where to look and places that she could touch is so amusing to me.

"Sorry..." she says as she accidentally knocks my perfume on top of the drawer next to the TV.

"It's okay." I say as I sit at my sofa, just admiring her.

"This smells good." She says after sniffing it and then brings it with her and places it at my vanity area. Where all of my accessories and perfumes are placed. "Boujee..." she comments

"Look who's talking... buying an expensive shoes last week just to wear one time." I tease

Her mouth opens. "Hey! That's not my fault. I was in the rush. It's the shoes that fits my dress for the fancy celebration my friend had for her birthday..."

"Whatever you say, babe." I say standing up. "I'm going to make coffee... would you like one?"

"Sure." She rolls her eyes and then goes back to searching, going straight to my room. "Found it!"

What a bummer. She found it to quickly.

"I didn't even noticed that in my room." I say as I pull out two mugs from my cabinet.

"How can you see anything in your room? It's so dark in there..." she makes her way out of my room and then goes to the kitchen area where I am. "Open the curtains every now and then..." she adds

"I do open them...." I pause waiting for her eyes to meet mine. "When you're here..."

She laughs, "you mean... when we have sex?"

I shrug. "Well..." I move closer to her and kisses her on top of her head. "We don't usually just fuck. We cuddle too..."

"Right... cuddling that ends up with sex."

I've been noticing that these past few days she has been very vocal about us having sex. Like what we have is just sex.

She's not like this. I wonder what's going on with her mind?

Whenever we are together, we don't just do sex. No. I'm not like that. Though of course, My body feels like burning whenever we are close and intimate, when we are alone. But when we hang out, we just... hang out. We do watch movies, go on lunch dates, play games, do study dates and whatever we can do. I am not going out with her just because we fuck. I like her more than that.

Which sucks because, yes, I do like her. I... really... really like her. But our situation, our fake dating, well, I don't know where this thing ends. And if she decides to end it, what will happen to me. I don't want it to end.

I wonder, if she's acting like this because she wants us to be over and she's just being kind to me and not wanting me to get hurt. Is she waiting for me to say it? To end... us?

"Seonghwa...?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay? You didn't answer me..."

"Sorry... I am..." I lightly shake my head, "I think I'm still half asleep..."

"Oh. Right." She suddenly panicks. "Sorry for bothering you... I'll get going then... so you can go back to sleep."

She's smiling while telling me that I could go back to sleep. To rest well. Believe me I want to but to see her go after blessing me her presence this early in the morning, No. I can't let her leave, just yet.

"Wait."

She looks back, waiting for me to say a word.

"Ahm..." I have no excuse to make her stay. But then..

"Do you need company?"

Yes. I do. Only you.

She smiles again. "Then I'll go sit here and study then... since its as quiet as our library in Uni." She says as she sits up back at the the bar stool. "Can I have my coffee please?"

I'm relieved. "Yes... coffee coming."

I'm not like this. Usually. Or as far as I know.

I've dated a few girls before. Some were serious some were not. And to those serious relationships I had, none of them felt the same as this. None of them made me feel like this.

All the girl were great, I'm not saying they were not special. They are all nice and perfect the way they are. All of them are great memories for me. However, none of them made me crave for attention nor time on a level that y/n makes me. That even just a glance from her is enough to fuel my day. I feel addicted to her. Y/N made me feel... different.

It is so hard to explain or to put words into it. I just feel it.

"Are you really going to watch me study? You've been sitting there for half an hour now..."

"I can't leave you alone..."

She snorts a laugh. "Silly. Don't mind me. Just go to bed and sleep..."

"I can't..."

She scrunches her nose, "why? Are you expecting me to join you and lay down?" She says giggling

I know she's just teasing. But... what if I take a chance and she agrees?

"Yes." I bluntly answered, looking straight into her eyes.

"Hmm?"

"You heard me." I keep gazing at her, waiting for her answer

"Wait... are you serious?"

I nod.

She is silent for a couple minutes. That two fucking minutes felt like forever.

"If I cuddle with you... you will sleep?" She asks

I can't help it. The corner of my lips immediately curves are smile.

"Okay then."

I got on my bed first before her. She tiptoes whenever she enters my room, because as she said, it's dark. But before I got on the bed, I slightly opened my curtain to allow a bit of light enter so she can see her way.

"Your bed feels so cozy." She says as she positions next to me.

"It's cozier... because I have you." I mumble as I nuzzle my face on her chest and snake my arms around her. Basically cuddling her.

I hear her smile the second I close my eyes.

"You smell so nice..." I whisper

"You too..."

I could feel her soft skin on my cheek. She's wearing a square neck tight shirt which I do not approve since the weather right now is cold and she's only wearing a skirt as well. I should give her a long and thick jacket later, to bring to Uni.

I don't want guy to drool over her.

***

After some time, I think I actually fell asleep. It felt good.

I don't remember what I said or she said after I told her she smell nice. Then probably an hour later, I open my eyes and its brighter. The sun is really up. It is probably noon.

I am facing the ceiling and dazed, thinking she might have left the bed or my place in general. However, to my surprise, I felt movement beside me.

She's still here!

"Can I stay a bit more...?" She mumbles and then squeezes herself to me. "It's so warm in here.."

Of course you can stay here. As long as you want.

I embrace her, sheltering her under my arms. I can see her up close and I could feel her body on me. I am not just warming her up under this thick blanket but she's also warming me, inside.

Fuck. I hope she can't feel my erection coz I can't control my body's reaction to her.

Her cleavage is straight into my eyesight. Y/N you're driving me mad.

"Y/N..."

"hmm...?" She answer while her eyes are still close

"Can I kiss you?"

She slowly opens her eyes and looks up at me. "Of course..." she weakly answers

And I did kiss her. Until the kiss evolved to something more. We made love. She was in control. She made me fall in love with her, even more than I think I am now.

Yes I have to admit it now. I think I do love Y/N. She is not just a fuck buddy I have because I am helping her, for me, she is and can be more than that.

I hope, she feels the same way.

Because, after sex, I got ready for Uni. And when I got out of the bathroom, I saw her reading a text. I know it's from Wooyoung.

Basing on her expression, I'm not sure what does she feel. She looks irritated but also confused. Is she having second thoughts about this revenge we are doing to Wooyoung?

(End of Seonghwa's POV)

***

I am walking out of the library building, about to go to my next class, when I saw Seonghwa from afar. He's with his classmate. Probably going to his next class as well.

So funny, how cold and how serious he looks when he's in public. But whenever you two are at his place, he's so relaxed and smiling most of the time. He's not cold at all. Actually, he's very warm and very...

"Hey..." Wooyoung followed me outside. "Sorry..." he says. "I don't want to be a jerk but..."

"Woo, you're girlfiend might see us. Please... I don't want issues. Let's move on already..."

"Have you?" He is frowning

"Have I what?"

"Moved on?"

I roll my eyes, frustrated. "I am moving on... I am doing my best."

Wooyoung is quiet for a few seconds. "But... Y/N... well... she's not actually my girlfriend."

"What? What do you mean?"

"It didn't work out."

"Ahm... okay... so...?"

He sighs. "Y/N... I am single again."

"So?" I repeat in case he didn't heard me the first time I showed him IDGAF. He looks disappointed with my answer. "Are you fucking expecting me to clap and celebrate? Wooyoung... we are over... and I am not running after you just because you are single."

"But I want us to try again."

"Are you out of your mind?" He makes me laugh. "No. We are over. We can only be civil... because we have common friends. That's it."

I was about to walk away again but then he grabs me by the wrist. "You're making me jealous.. pretending to be with Seonghwa... my friend... and now you're rejecting me?" He looks very lost and very stupid right now. "Y/N, I know I've hurt you... but... it was a mistake... and being away from you..."

"So, you are saying... you, getting bored of me... basically not giving shit about me... then goes to dumping me date someone younger...the one who is more of your type. Is a mistake?? Wooyoung...  I'm not stupid. You all did that on purpose. You decided to do all that... on your own... it's not like an error that you just forget to turn of your stove at home when you left your house. I am a human. With feelings okay?"

"I'm sorry..." he can't deny all of the things I said.

"Wooyoung... you were my friend before we became a couple... that should atleast made you think before you chose to hurt my feelings. Lie to me. Cheat on me." I am really on my feels right now since my hormones is at its peak. "You should've not made me like you... if you think your feelings were not certain... it could've save us time and effort. My time... and effort..." I pointed out.

"I'm sorry... again...."

"If you are really sorry... please... move on... and don't get into another relationship just because you feel like you need someone to be with. You should be better than that."

I turn my back on him, walking away when I see Seonghwa and his friends approaching. I'm sure they didn't heard what Woo and I are talking. I tried my best to be discreet.

"Hey..." Seonghwa lightly touches my forearm, "Are you okay?" He softly asks then glares at Wooyoung who's looking at us. "What did he do?"

"Nothing..." you try to smile. "I have class..." You lie. "See you later."

I've never walked so fast in my life than today. I am having trouble breathing. My feelings are all over the place. I need peace and quiet. Also fresh air.

Even though I am disappointed with what Wooyoung did to me or his choices, I still care for him. He is still or maybe was my friend. I feel guilty saying all those things to him but I also know that he deserves it. He needs to know it. He needs to be a better person. He can't treat me or any girls like this.

Fuck.

"I knew it."

You jump, spinning around to see who spoke. "Seonghwa..."

He enters the rooftop door and shuts it close after. "I've never seen you ran that fast before... even when you are already late in class." He teases

You go back facing towards the fence. "Me too actually..." you inhale and exhale. "I just... had to..."

"What happened?" He asks as he leans his back on the fence, beside you.

"I don't know... he... just..."

"Did he asked you to go back together?"

I nod.

"Did... did you agree?"

I snap my head to him, "are you kidding me? No!" You answer made a smile, form over Seonghwa's lips. "Why are you smiling?"

"Coz... I'm glad you rejected him." Then he takes out his pack of cigarette in his jacket's pocket.

"You... are?"

"Hmm.." he hums and then picks one out of the box using his lips.

"Are you going to smoke now?"

His eyes shakes and then looks at me, "do you want me to not smoke...?"

I look away. I can't ask him to stop. I have no right to. It does not bother me if he does but health wise, I hope stops.

"Y/n... tell me... do you want me to not smoke now or..."

"It's fine. I just..."

He suddenly stands still and move closer. His face is just inches away from mine. "If you tell me to stop... I will..."

"I can't tell you to stop..."

"You can." He insists. "You just have no idea..."

"What?" I didn't get what he means

"Y/N... do you like me?"

"I do." I honestly answer

"But... do you like me more than just a fuck buddy?" He puts back the piece he took in the box. "Coz, I do like you... as in I really.... really like you..."

Wait. Am I hearing him right?!?

I am speechless. I could see the panic in his eyes from me not responding to him. But, I can't speak. I... I have no words... I'm flusttered and flattered at the same time. But... My breathe was taken away by his words.

Fuck. What do I do? I like him too but... I'm scared. What if, we make it official but he get's bored with me like Wooyoung and goes back to his way, dating girls who fits his type.

I am no ones type... I am, just me.

Shit! Y/N, breathe. FUCKING BREATHE. He is not Wooyoung. He is Seonghwa. He is different. He.... he have proven you how different he is.

The years you have been with Wooyoung is not comparable with the months you have been with Hwa. He had given you more than Woo. Emotionally and physically. (Well... especially the Physical part)

But I have to consider that, during our time being together. I grew up. I have changed a little but for the better of me. He does not push me to do or decide on things. He allows me to believe and to try on my own. Even during our sex, I thought I could never lead. I thought I should always be the receiver but he allowed me to explore and make sure I enjoy while I try to please him

Yeah, I kbow what a good example about improvement of life. But fuck. Seonghwa is saying he likes me. The mysterious hot guy from my university.

"Y/n... Look at me..." he asks me, tilting my chin up. "I know you are thinking about... don't worry... I'm not rushing you okay? I just... I'm just asking for you... to take a chance on me, that's alk..." he says, "And if you can't I have to accept it..."

"Really?"

He close is eyes and heavily sighed. "It will fucking hurts I have to admit. But... yeah... If you don't feel the same... I can't do anything about it. Unless, you just want me as your fuck buddy... I'll be willing to be just that."

"Hey!" I slap him on his chest. "You're not just a fuck buddy!" I say

He smiles, "Really?" He then goes on to snaking his arm around my waist. "What am I then?"

I should take a chance right? That's how love works? To know if it is worth it is to... try....

"My man...?" you mumble shyly.

Seonghwa's cheeks are about to explode. It's so out of his chill persona but it does show that he's so happy with my response.

"I promise.... I'll show you what love is... everyday..."

[glorious-spoon]

Hi :) I hope I'm not too late, I'd love prompt no.7 for buck and eddie :)

hi, and thank you! sorry it's so late! <3

7. a kiss to shut them up

-

"Your timing is fucking terrible," Eddie hisses, sounding halfway to laughing his ass off.

Buck dissolves into giggles, pushing his face into Eddie's warm shoulder in a futile attempt to muffle them. Partly, it's sheer surprise; for someone whose career trajectory has consisted of war zones and emergency services, Eddie really doesn't swear that much. Buck assumes it's mostly for Christopher's sake, plus maybe a lingering childhood terror of what his abuela would do to him if she ever heard the word fuck leave his mouth.

Mostly, though, it's because—shit, he's right, he really is. Buck has never had so much as a nodding acquaintance with good timing. He fell in love with Abby while her mom was dying in her living room. He fell in love with Eddie—well, a long time ago, in retrospect, but he realized he was in love with Eddie when they were still both dating other people. 

And right now, he's got Eddie backed into a literal storage closet at his sister's literal wedding. He's supposed to make a toast in about ten minutes. Chimney is never going to let them hear the end of it if he catches wind of this.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," he hiccups, and Eddie snickers and pats his back in the close darkness. Buck can feel the shape of his grin against his forehead. His plush lower lip, which Buck was just kissing.

"Shush."

"I was gonna wait for the reception. Honest." He had an entire plan. He was going to give his toast—his notes are still crumpled in his jacket pocket—and finish his glass of champagne, and ask Eddie to dance. After that, his plan loses detail, but he did have one.

"Mm. Glad you didn't."

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Well," Eddie says, catching his cheek and turning him slightly. "Means I can do this again, for one thing."

He's being kissed again a moment later, languidly sweet and somehow even more thrilling than the first one was. It's not like he thought Eddie wasn't on board with this; Eddie kissed him back then, too. But now there's no surprise in it at all, and that makes it better.

"You could do that on the dance floor," Buck says, then cringes a moment later. Because just because—this doesn't mean Eddie wants an audience. Or wants anyone to know. Or wants anything at all, other than to make out with Buck in this linen closet in the nice outdoor venue that Maddie and Chim chose while the loudspeakers play some sweetly forgettable pop song over the sound of the wedding guests filtering in.

"Definitely can't do everything I want on the dance floor," Eddie says, low and dark and promising.

"Eddie."

"Just saying."

Buck laughs again, a little hysterical. "You've, uh, you've been thinking about this, huh?"

"Yeah," Eddie says easily. "Glad you finally did something about it. I would have just wound myself up with nerves forever."

"I was going to ask you to dance," Buck blurts.

"Yeah?" Eddie asks. He's smiling; Buck can hear it in his voice. Wishes suddenly that he could see it on his face too. It seems suddenly ridiculous that they're crowded in a fucking closet. Not the metaphorical vibe he was going for.

"Yeah," Buck says.

"I would have said yes."

"Oh," Buck says, and it's shaky, a little. Tellingly shaky. Eddie's hand is warm and gentle on his cheek, his voice soft.

"I'm still gonna say yes. If you ask."

Buck breathes out softly, relieved. "Maybe you'll ask me."

"Maybe I will."

"Maybe we should get back out there before—oh shit," he adds, when the nearest door swings open. Footsteps clatter on the flagstones, and realistically Buck really should shut up now, but he's never been good at that. "Eddie, if we get caught in here Maddie is gonna—actually, you know what, Chimney is gonna kill us, and—"

He can't keep talking, abruptly, because he's being kissed again, with a thoroughness that makes him dizzy. Eddie's got his hands fisted in Buck's lapels, and his mouth is hot and insistent, and Buck could stay here happily forever, he thinks dizzily.

"Shh," Eddie whispers when they finally break apart, so Buck kisses him again instead of talking. They lose a happy few minutes like that before finally breaking apart, breathing quietly.

"I think the coast is clear," Buck whispers after a moment. Eddie hums a quiet assent, so he pushes the closet door open.

The coast is clear, for now. The terracotta flooring echoes like crazy; nobody's gonna sneak up on them now. But Eddie looks exactly like someone was just making out with him in a storage closet, and Buck suspects he's not much better off, by the glint in Eddie's eyes: half familiar fond amusement, half something else entirely.

"I have to go make a speech," Buck says, as much to his own libido as anything else.

"Uh huh," Eddie says, and does not stop looking at him like that.

Before either of them can try to fix their clothes, or take a step closer, there's a sharp rap at the door. They jump apart just as Hen ducks her head in and gives them a deeply amused look.

"They're asking for you, Buckaroo," she says.

"Oh, I, um, yeah," Buck says, and pats his pocket frantically. He's desperately glad he kept his notes; his entire speech has flown out of his head.

Eddie starts laughing quietly. Hen scoffs and steps into the room.

"Come here," she says, briskly twitching Buck's collar straight and tugging her fingers through his hair.

"You're not gonna fix Eddie up, too?" Buck asks, because there's clearly no point in denying what they were just up to.

"He's not giving a speech," Hen retorts. She steps back, pats his cheek lightly, and smiles. "Not that it would matter, honestly. Those two don't have eyes for anyone other than each other right now. You could show up naked and I doubt they'd notice."

Eddie sputters; Buck laughs out loud. Because he gets that; he gets it intimately. Even now, he can't stop looking at Eddie. Doesn't ever want to stop looking at him, but especially now, in this moment of thrilled wonder. "Yeah, okay."

"Come on," Hen says. She starts back out of the room, toward the reception, and as they fall into step behind her, Buck reaches shyly for Eddie's hand and finds him already reaching back.

-

(from these kiss prompts)

[laroinda]

i just caught up to wind breaker manga (the satoru nii one) and i desperately need to rant abt it

let's start from the fact that i'm not a fan of this genre of manga. the only other delinquent series i've actually read was t*kyo r*vengers but we shall not speak about this one and it certainly didn't leave a good impression of this type of manga on me. so imagine my surprise when i tuned in to the first episode of wind breaker and i found myself tearing up by the end of it, let's just say that it was quite unexpected.

the thing that surprised me the most about this series is the heart that it has. yes it's cheesy, yes it's cringe at times, yes the premise of the town and the school is so silly it might just fall apart if you start looking at it too closely. but the series manages to build the sense of community within this place so fast and so well that i never actually found myself questioning any of that.

another thing that was a really nice surprise was how kind the series is, both with its characters and with the themes it builds itself on. the main one of course being opening yourself up and learning how to trust others. every time we see a character struggle with that it tugs at my heartstrings so much i end up barely able to read the chapter cause my eyes water immediately, especially when it's about sakura himself.

sakura, oh my dear sakura. i could sing him praises for hours i fear so i'll try to keep it short. he's just incredible. he's truly the heart of the story in every sense of the word. he's so kind! he's such a good person, even if he doesn't believe it or doesn't know how to properly express his care for others! he's so lovable from the start, even before you see him grow into the person he is at the current stage of the manga. and he keeps growing and changing and becoming the person he probably never thought he could ever become before he came to furin. and it's all because of the people around him that accept him and let him grow at his pace, even if he makes mistakes or doesn't do things exactly right immediately.

i love the slightly more recent imagery of comparing him to a plant that started to grow since he joined furin. it started in the stretch between the keel arc and the red lights district arc when he decided that furin is the place that he belongs in and we saw a little sprout, but i feel like it's gonna come to full fruition in this arc. it's pretty clear to me considering that endo literally compares him to a flower and his whole thing is to try and set sakura on fire (metaphorically of course... i hope). it's probably gonna be contrasted to umemiya who's literally a gardener and under whose care and leadership, directly or not, sakura was finally able to grow because he was nurtured by those around him. in this case the main person who allowed that to happen would be umemiya as he's the one who made furin into what it is now. also, i've seen quite a lot of people be worried (?) about sakura potentially going with endo to protect furin but idk man i don't think that would happen. the angst potential is incredible but he was literally calling out that girl in the red lights arc (i'm sorry i forgot her name, it slipped my mind cause i've read like 90% of this manga in two days) for... basically doing just that. giving herself up so that others could be safe without thinking about their feelings. i feel like he's probably gonna take that lesson and apply it here.

speaking of which, i love this whole theme of passing down knowledge and advice on how to handle things that are new to you. first it's kotoha telling sakura that he needs allies to be at the top of furin, that he should start facing people that want to be there for him and even the small things like telling him to just say "leave it to me" when someone asks for help. and then, in the keel arc, he uses the same advice he was given before and gives it to someone else who's also struggling with quite similiar things to him. then there's him learning how to rely on other boys in his class and going to kaji for advice, who's very clearly meant to be kind of a parallel to sakura. kaji's went to somewhat similiar things, he's just further down the path of figuring out who he is, what he can and can't do that sakura is (or at least that was the case when they talked). so he gives sakura advice, one that was given to him before by hiragi when he was struggling as a newly made grade captain who felt like he was wholly undeserving of the trust that people placed in him and felt like he's gonna dissapoint them. he knows exactly what sakura is struggling with so he can help him the way he was helped before, the same way that sakura helped nagato before.

i have a lot more thoughts about this series but they are not sorted out in my brain in any way yet so i'm not gonna say anything more cause this on its own is messy as hell

[the-ellia-west]

Fine

I search for a reason to care at every twist and every turn

I score a 78 on a test where I was expected to hit 50 or below

But I still feel like I have the lowest intelligence of any human ever

I show my score to my parents and they say I could have done better

My sister defends me and snaps at them that they should be proud of me

I don’t feel anything. Nothing that I should.

Not sad, or angry, or greatful to be defended. Just tired.

I’m so tired.

I know I have to put in the work for a good future

Or so they tell me

But I’m in college classes scoring above the average high-score, I’m two grades ahead in math passing without studying, All honors classes not a single of which I’m failing anymore

And they’re still disappointed in me.

Nobody but the sister I feel inferior to seems to notice or care how much I know about trauma and the human brain

Nobody but the friends I don’t know seem to be impressed that my vocabulary and use of words exceeds the expected level

“You should work harder” they tell me. “You could be so much more than this.”

And I could. I know that.

I just don’t care.

I get 6 hours of sleep at most because I’m busy trying not to fumble the only friendships I really value, or I’m punishing myself

Because nobody who crosses me in my daily life cares enough to even give me a passing glance

They remember my statements in discussion, I overhear them saying “Whoever that was, she had really good points” or “I agree with whoever said this” but none of them even remember it was me. I swayed opinions to my side and showed a new side to the argument

But my name gets lost in translation, my face hidden in the corner

I don’t know if I want the credit for it

At home I learn to put my head down and keep my mouth shut. Nobody wants to hear about what you like. It’s cringe and childish. You make too many characters to follow along with. You should be focusing your attention on things that will help your future. Learning about that doesn’t have any point for your future.

“Good job.” they tell my younger siblings. Spending time with them willingly and talking about school. Concerned why they don’t have any friends and doing nice things for them.

“We’re proud of you.” They tell my older sister. For choosing the college they went to and knowing how to talk to people.

I don’t know if I want them to look at me. To congratulate me. Or to just ignore me.

I know I’m not good enough.

I never have been.

People I’ve met think I’m old enough to move out this year or next.

I’m not even old enough to drive.

And I hate it.

“You’re so mature.” “You’re so smart.” “You’re so quiet.”

Thanks. Would you like me if you knew me?

Lazy, stuck-up and stupid.

I know I should want what you want. Suck it up and get a 9 to 5 office job. I should score high in math and hate english. Keep my mouth closed and follow your rules. Drop my stories and finish my notes.

But why should I care when one of you is never around and I have to literally shout just to be heard? Why should I care when one of you is disappointed even when I try and gets judgemental when I don’t want him to see what I’m interested in?

I feel like a welcome mat. Stepped over to get to the things that really matter, hardly even given a passing glance.

I make metaphors of being face down in the dirt. Those are all lies. I get back up. Not because I’m going to try. Not because I want to.

I get up. I wash the dirt from my face, go through the steps, put on the hand-me-down clothes you didn’t care to fix the holes in, and Plaster a smile on my face.

I stopped complaining to you years ago. Because you never cared, And I knew I was annoying.

So now I just smile. I smile when you hit me. I smile when you tell me I’m not good enough. I smile when you shout at me for proposing that I may have a mental illness. I smile when I fall and bleed out on my knees. And I’ll smile when I tear my own skin off.

No one cares when I cry anyway. So why should I let the tears come at all?

I don’t want to live.

I haven’t for a year.

But I will. Because there’s some purpose to all this.

It’s not constant, not enough to be depression

So I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

But whatever it is

It’s not leaving.

It’ll go away they tell me.

I’m fine.

For once, somebody likes me. Somebody needs me.

I’m fine.

I’m fine.

Normal.

I have to smile.

I don’t know why I wrote this

Do I want somebody, anybody to see the real me?

Is it a desperate plea for attention? A deep-seeded desire to be understood? Is it a cry for help? Or is it just complaining?

I don’t know.

I don’t care.

I don’t remember how.

So there. See the real me. See the blood beneath the mask, the empty hands and the closed eyes. See me. Because the mask is broken, and I can’t care enough to hide it anymore.

[galact1c-ambition]

I need to just ramble about how much Another Crab's Treasure means to me. I'm not entirely open about my mental health issues publicly, but sometimes it's nice to be vulnerable. Content warning for mentions of suicidal and dark thoughts and religious trauma.

For the past year I was in college, my mental health was at its absolute lowest. There were a lot of days I considered ending it as I driving home. I was failing the classes for my major. I had my heart set on being a biology major. I couldn't accept anything else, because all of my life, I've been so passively suicidal I haven't been able to see my own future. It's a mix of depression forming at a very young age, and religious trauma and anxiety of the rapture and God "taking me home when it's my time." I was just living every day with no consideration, and I couldn't let myself get out of something even if it hurt me, because I had no backup plan.

I've also always been a lonely kid. I got seen as the weird kid in school and I didn't really have many friends, despite how social and extroverted I was. Middle school I started closing myself off because of bullying. Nowadays I have a super close friend group and my two beloved girlfriends, but when I'm not with them, I really didn't like being around other people.

Despite everything, I've believed that there's so much love and beauty and hope in the world. I'm terrified of change, but I know it's natural. I really do believe even with all the chaos and hate and fear, love will absolutely triumph and make living worth it.

Then I started up Another Crab's Treasure and heard the phrase "What word comes to mind when you think of the earth?" A phrase that INSTANTLY stuck with me. I saw so much of myself in Kril instantly. His naivety, his immediate confusion of the unfair world he didn't know about, and his anxiety without the comfort of his shell. Then I realized the gunk is a metaphor for depression and nihilism, and I knew this game would hit me deep.

The Unfathom was my favorite part of the entire game. Seeing Kril go from anxious to actively suicidal was so jarring. Then Nemma spoke her words. "Living ain't always fun. Maybe not even half the time. But livin's what we do. It's all we can do. We pick our sad lil' selves up, we put on our war face, and we shucking survive. Cause our stories ain't ready to end just yet." This game was actively telling me not only to keep living, but told me to DO SOMETHING to make myself want to live.

Seeing Kril at the end loving life, never wanting to be alone again, and wanting no longer to be complacent in the suffering of himself and everyone else...it gave me courage. As stupid as it may sound, I dropped out of college. I never needed it for a job I'm happy with. Working professionally in science would kill my love for it anyways. I've been so happy this past month, and I have so much less pressure on me for needing to keep my grades up to make my family happy or get scholarships. I know life isn't going to be easy. I know there's always going to be hate and cruelty. But I'm not giving up, and I won't let others suffer when I can help them.

This isn't even mentioning my selfship with Firth. Midas is an outlet to project my religious trauma and passive suicidalness onto, and Firth is someone who can't entirely relate but can absolutely support and love him unconditionally. Loving that cryptobro crustacean made me love myself again.

What word comes to mind when you think of the earth? Anything you want.

[samuelroukin]

oh dw babe im never gonna give you up. never gonna let you down. never gonna turn around and desert you <3

funnily enough you keep writing my ideal fic over and over again somehow. meant it when I said fæge feels almost tailor made. big fan of characters who weren't meant to be happy. big fan of the unforgivable. big fan of nice rhythmic soothing flowy prose with a very strong visual element. big fan of gay sex (yay irrumatio!!). big fan of exploring the different faces love can have. big fan on wanting (always so much better than having 🙏). huge fan of character who was doomed and cursed and basically already dead getting to live life and feel better. huge fan of biters of the hand that feeds. world's biggest fan of desperation. and also of apathy. and how they both go together. really into hunger as a metaphor for loneliness. love seeing the extraordinary in the ordinary. didn't mean to ramble but I really love everything you do <3 feels like they made me specifically to adore you. (id say /lh but it's really not. I kinda mean it). oh and worldbuilding. huge fan of making up new worlds and looking at the new worlds other people made.

but generally it's more about how it's done than about what's happening in the story? like, I've bawled my eyes out at dsmp omegaverse before yk. and now at call of duty soulmates even though i don't play videogames at all and im not into soulmate aus. anything can be great. anything can be terrible.

but I'd really like to look at that ray threesome perhaps 👀👀👀🙏. or perchance a little darragh piece. maybe even matty if you wanna dust him off a little bit and indulge me to hell and back and spoil me so terribly bad and rotten. id love to take a look at him 👀

but also 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 it means the world that you offered to write it???? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 theyre gonna have to invent new emojis if we keep doing this because these surely don't pack the same punch anymore.

as for being mysterious. my blog here is a messsss and I kinda like the imbalance 👀 if you ask very very nicely I might consider but please be prepared for disappointment. for I am boring. and not very easy to talk to

apparently I can't shut up here either so. here you go a lot of words for you again hope you enjoy them

- max

kjgfhsfhgft not the text rick roll

ough i love how you talk about it esp since in my brain i'm like ok it was fun but it's not that deep lmao (while def making it that deep at least to myself but u know) i def get what you mean tho, sometimes it's not only about the subject itself, just the right vibes

i do want to finish that ray threesome.....probably rewrite the whole thing if i do bc it's so old now but Perhaps 👀or finish the short pwp with him and darragh...or the backstory of darragh and ghost in tdhmt 🤔 i've never actually written matty but perhaps it's time (well after i finish quietus, you know how it is) to finally see what that guy has to say. options! many things to consider.....

kjghdkjghsft i get liking the imbalance, getting to be a mysterious stranger 👀 and im v v boring and hard to talk to as well lmao But at least that means there's no pressure !! idk, think about it we could be mutuals who never speak, there's a charm to it 😌

i always enjoy your many words whether here or on ao3 kjgfkhgst blessing me fr 🙏

[poppitron360]

tbh i find you annoying but thats just my opinion. you're allowed to do whatever the fuck you want. good for you. my own opinion - based on petty standards and prejudice and a bit of jealousy - is not a reflection of reality and should not affect you. keep having fun.

also please don't block me because you're posting about something i like and it's not very well known and i just needed to get this out because id explode

… Okay?

This ask is fascinating to me and I have SO MANY QUESTIONS. Imma disect your comment like a lil bug real quick, if that’s okay with you?

If it doesn’t affect me why did you tell me? Like what was the purpose of telling me that you find me annoying? What validation does that give you?

Like you took all that time and effort to 1) seek out my blog 2) read enough of my posts to come up with a REALLY REALLY GOOD BURN LIKE WOW THAT IS SO CLEVER 3) Click on the ask button 4) write this comment 5) CHANGE THE FREAKING FONT- Like you went through the whole process of highlighting that line of text, clicking the “minimise” AND the “strikethrough” buttons and THEN 6) pressing send and you didn’t stop to think ONCE “hey… why the hell am I doing this?”

It always baffles me when people tell me these things like they think I’m not already painfully aware of it. Like I know that I’m annoying to some people THAT’S WHY I’M HERE!!! I have found the one community of people that find what I’m saying interesting!

I’m not posting for YOU I’m posting for THEM. You think I give a shit what you think about me? Are you THAT self-centred? Maybe my posts aren’t tailored to you, and that’s fine! Not everyone is making content specifically for your consumption, and might just be marketing to a different audience. If you’re not pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down, that’s okay. Maybe I’m just not putting it down for your specific needs.

You know, before I joined Tumblr, a comment like this would have sent me SPIRALLING. But now I’ve realised that there is actually a place and a people to whom I am entertaining. I just gotta find the right audience.

One of my favourite inspirational quotes ever is by Einstein and it’s that “everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by it’s ability to climb a tree, it would think itself an idiot” or words to that effect. Yeah- my talent for spinning Leo Valdez round my brain like a candy-floss machine until it eventually turns into content isn’t necessarily “fun at parties” or useful for getting a job or good for… y’know… anything applicable to the Real World™️ but here I’ve found where I CAN put it to good use! And a year ago I didn’t have that.

Before Tumblr, my lil fishy body was struggling ‘er way up that tree. Here, I’ve found my ocean!

Not sure where this metaphor is going in relation to the topic of you finding me annoying… I guess fish me doesn’t feel like such an “idiot” now that I’ve found where I belong? Like I know that my talents are niche but SOMEONE likes ‘em. Actually quite a lot of people like ‘em, judging by my follower count. And I didn’t get this far by just having a cute cat pic as my pfp, but by actually building my skill and working hard! And I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. SO FUCK YOU!!! HUZZAH!!!

I’m aware of how much of an asshole I sound like, but honestly? I am proud of myself. And my girl deserves her moment.

I feel a little bad responding guns-ablaze bc your hate comment was legitimately kinda nice and considerate?

But Also- how weird is this as a hate comment? Like you’re being insulting but you’re also saying you like my stuff? Geez, it says a lot about you that you can’t even send anon hate correctly.

If you wanna keep reading my stuff, go ahead! You just either gotta power through whatever weird complex you have about me, or just don’t read it. I don’t really see what good sending me this ask will do. Whatever gripe you have, put it aside. Like how I put aside your lack of capital letters in that comment, knowing that my stupid obsessive thing with Grammar shouldn’t affect how I treat other people, and that that is my OWN problem to deal with.

I’m being silly here. I’ve just never had the confidence to roast my haters before. I’ve never had haters to roast (online, anyway) so forgive my overzealousness. If you couldn’t tell- I was a theatre kid and still am…

In all seriousness, I like how self-aware you are that you’re being prejudiced and jealous. And I’m kinda curious as to what specifically you’re jealous of? But that’s just to boost my own ego.

I’m aware that I can be a little intimidating sometimes, particularly in a written form of socialisation. I like grammar, okay? I like rules and guidelines and careful, creative choices to show emotion and how you can break the rules in certain ways to give depth and nuance to the character and find the pattern of letters and characters to communicate what you’re feeling over a written format and-

If you couldn’t tell by all the fanfics I write- I also have a passion for writing.

Also, what specific prejudices? I’m genuinely intrigued. Is it specifically based off of one of the protective characteristics (under the 2011 Equality Act)? Or is it more just the way I behave? Or is it something I said? Like don’t be shy I don’t want vague I want DETAILS!!

And I realise that me writing a whole freaking dissertation on your comment just PROVES your point that I’m annoying but I. Don’t. Care. I’m having fun. I can’t help that I have a lot of Thoughts And Feelings about things. It’s just how my brain works. Also, it is currently 1:23am where I live, so brain go brrr. If you made it this far, anon, I salute you! Thank you for taking the time to hear me out even though you think I’m annoying. That’s honestly a good quality to have. Here, have a sweet 🍬

And I know that that was… intense, to say the least. Oh BOY do I know that I can be intense. But genuinely- GENUINELY- I’d love to sit down and have a discussion with you on this because it truly fascinates me how other people perceive me. And, if you’re comfortable coming out of anon (if not, that’s fine) I’d like to learn more about why you think these things. Not necessarily so that I can change- but it’d be a great opportunity to see what I can learn about myself through what you think at me. I know it seems like I’m mad- I’m really not! I’m just captivated by the world and how others look at me.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out, and I hope to have good conversations with legitimate constructive criticism in many posts to come! Never stop being passionate. Just maybe direct your passion to something more positive. Thank you so much for the ask, this was a really good thought experiment for me.

[ukulelevillainwrites]

who follows the rules anyway?

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9

complete

pairing : anthony lockwood x she/her reader

word count : 3.4k

notes : with this part the plot actually takes off, more will happen in part 3 obviously i'm just getting started ;)

The following day they met again at the client’s house to take care of the final details. They explained that the clock was the source and that they had to get rid of it for the haunting to cease. She simply needed to open the case and they would be on their way. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as easy as it should have been.

“This clock has been in my family for generations. I don’t care what you say, you are not taking this heirloom to be burned among other rubbish.” Mrs. Overton was very upset. She didn’t want to hear any advice given and categorically refused to open the case.

“I understand your disappointment Madam, but if you want your house to be safe again, I really don’t see any other solution.” Mrs Dufour explained.

The conversation had been lasting for hours. Well, metaphorically at least. It really had been 15 minutes, but hearing a client complain about the source wasn’t what y/n liked about her job.

“What if you got display cases made out of silver glass?”

All eyes turned to her.

“Maybe we could find a compromise, we keep your clock while you install new displays and put it back once everything is made safe. That way you can still enjoy your family’s history without the creeping fear. Would that be possible Mrs. Dufour?”

“I don’t think-”

“That is an excellent idea!” Mrs. Overton exclaimed.

“But Mrs. Overton I’m not sure it could be that simple. I really think you should consider giving up your clock.” Mrs. Dufour objected.

“I’d rather keep it. Hopefully you oversee young people with practical solutions! You should listen to them.”

Kipps and Bobby had smiles on their faces, but Mrs. Dufour glared in her direction.

They agreed on a date to bring back the clock, signed a few papers and soon after the team was on its way back to the Fittes headquarters.

“You did a great job keeping our client satisfied today y/n. I’m really impressed.” Kipps said.

“Th- Thank you. That means a lot.” She looked down at her feet, she felt incredibly intimidated. Somehow, she still wasn’t used to receiving that many compliments. She finally got those four words she had waited a month to hear. Her dream of taking on more responsibilities was getting closer, she could feel it.

“Miss y/n, could I have a word with you?”

Her happiness was cut short. Was she really in trouble because she tried to keep a client happy with their service?

“Your behavior today was extremely disrespectful. Contradicting a supervisor in front of a client is beyond unprofessional. What image of the Fittes organization does it send? I hope you won’t do this again.”

“I was just trying to keep Mrs. Overton satisfied. But I understand.” She tried to remain civil. But really she had a hard time not rolling her eyes.

“Good. Now I must leave, I have another appointment.”

“I can take the clock back to Fittes’ if you want. It’s where we’re headed anyway.”

“Thank you but it won’t be necessary.”

“Really it’s no trouble at all.”

“I’ll take care of it myself, no need to insist. Good day.”

What a nice and pleasant person. Clearly if she considered this insubordination, she must have had her hands full when she had to supervise George. As she thought about him, she noticed how insistent she was on bringing the clock back herself. Especially if she had another meeting before…

---

“You should break into her office too.”

“Haha very funny. Will you ever stop making fun of George? He really was worth knowing if you gave him a shot. You shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss him.” she told El.

“I’m not joking. If he’s such a great guy maybe, he was onto something. And her behavior with you was in fact very suspicious.”

“I think I might be reading into some things. I was tired, I’m probably not even remembering it right. Plus, it would serve me right if I got caught and ended up like George. How am I supposed to become a higher up in the Fittes organization with that on my record?”

“Yes, but you don’t see the bigger picture. If you expose her activities, you get all the praise and move up the ladder even faster.”

They couldn’t be serious. How could they even offer to do this? On the other hand, she was very curious to see what Mrs. Dufour could be hiding.

“There’s no way I’m doing this.”

“I wouldn’t let you do this alone! I’ve got your back. I would be on the lookout; you take five minutes inside her office and you come out without being seen. It’s no big deal. And if she is at a meeting right now chances are she won’t be back for hours. Now’s our chance!”

She considered their offer. How could she even think about doing this? But if she didn’t find anything, it would put to rest her suspicions. And if they did find something, it would benefit her in every way possible.

“Okay let’s go right now. But I’m only staying inside for two minutes, non-negotiable.”

“As you wish.”

They located the office easily. It was on the first floor, second office on the left after the elevators. It was lunch time, everything was quiet. y/n couldn’t believe she was actually doing this. Her mind dissociated from her body. It went totally blank and watched as her fingers methodically picked the lock to Mrs. Dufour’s office. El stayed outside to warn her if someone came nearby. She entered the room with determination, trying to remain calm. Her heart was beating atrociously fast. What was she doing? As she stared at the desk in front of her she realized she had no idea what she was looking for. A source from another case that hadn’t been burned maybe? She opened a first drawer, and a second, a third… Nothing. That was such a bad idea. She had to leave. Now. As she turned around the door slammed. Oh no. Was Mrs. Dufour back already? Would El be able to distract her long enough for her to exit discreetly?

“I heard her mumble something about sources being stolen and suspicious behaviors, I didn’t catch all of it but it sounded like nonsense.”

That was El’s voice. What were they doing? She heard steps coming her way. She needed to hide. As she stepped behind a coat hanger near the door, Mrs. Dufour entered the room.

“Miss y/n, I know you are in here. Come out. Right. Now.”

She was holding her breath. There was no escape. She took a step forward. El was standing next to Mrs. Dufour. But they didn’t look panicked. In fact, they were smiling.

“I can’t believe this is the second agent I find here illegally this week. Between your behavior this morning and your break-in, insubordination isn’t enough to describe your insolent attitude.”

No words came out of her mouth. The shock she felt froze her in place.

“You are of course fired, that goes without saying. You can collect your things, I want you gone by the end of the day.”

“I’ll walk her out.” El said, a proud look on their face.

This wasn’t happening. It was just another vivid dream that merged with reality. She was going to wake up in her bed, the sun slowly rising in her window, and none of this would have happened. This could not be the end of her career. Her dream could not be crumbling in front of her eyes in just an instant, to be replaced with a horrific nightmare instead. No this wasn’t real.

“I can’t believe you followed me that easily to be honest.”

She looked up at El, tears now starting to blur her vision. She could only frown.

“But I guess when you’re that naïve and gullible you can’t possibly be qualified to be a supervisor. People like you shouldn’t be put in charge at all to be honest. I’ll never understand why you of all people were selected to be on Kipps’ team. Well now I guess there’s a spot open.” They said with a wink.

She shoved her “friend” aside.

“You betrayed me to get my job?”

“I would say I was smart and did my job correctly, betray makes me sound like a villain.”

y/n had shared a room with El for the past 4 months, she had grown to like them. Of course they were close, they basically lived together. Trust was part of the deal. How could she ever sleep next to that person again? Oh. Right. She wouldn’t have to. As of now she didn’t have a job and didn’t have a place to live either. She would be kicked out of the Fittes housing. She needed to get out, to walk, to breathe. She felt the walls closing in on her, she couldn’t breathe.

She rushed back to her room, tears streaming down her face. She opened her suitcase and bags, filled them with her stuff without taking the time to fold anything. She had to get out of here fast, she couldn’t look El in the eyes. She didn’t want to see their face at all. How could they have pretended for so long, putting on phony smiles and cheering at her success when really they just planned on replacing her one way or another? What did she do to deserve their hate? Was she really the problem? Maybe El was right. Maybe she was too naïve to ever be successful. Maybe she had brought this on herself.

She put on her backpack, took her rapier and her suitcase and exited the room. As she closed the door, El was coming back.

“I see you can’t get out fast enough. Good for you. Enjoy the night watch!” They had an arrogant smirk across their face.

She dropped her luggage, took one step closer and punched her dear friend in the face. They brought their hand up to stop the bleeding and looked at her with pure hatred in their eyes.

“Enjoy the broken nose!”

----

That helped relieve some tension. But she still felt like shit. What was she going to do? She couldn’t just go back home. Her parents would be so disappointed. Not because of the career but because she got fired. And because of the reason why she got fired. She was so ashamed of herself. How could she do something so stupid?

She wandered the streets of London, luggage in hand, for hours, lost in thought and mostly beating herself up. Aside from her life falling apart it was a beautiful day. The leaves were starting to change color, the light was still warm and golden. A fresh breeze rustled her hair as she crossed the street. She had no idea where she was going. She didn’t know that part of London well. She had passed Mayfair at least 15 minutes ago and was now in a more residential part of the city. The white houses had lavender at their balconies and most of them had an iron gate in front of the stairs that led to their door. The neighborhood was quiet and everything was still except for two crows hopping around at the end of the street. She was staring into space when a sudden loud noise made her jump. It was a malfunctioning ghost lamp that had went off even though curfew wasn’t for another couple of hours. It made her look up and she saw a sign reading Portland Row. That sounded familiar. Where had she heard of that street before? Wasn’t George living nearby? What was the number he had told her… 45? No, 35. She could always pay him a visit. It’s not like she had any place to be.

She hesitated. He would probably laugh at her. Though the situation was ridiculous. At least she would make someone smile. And she would get a cup of tea before wandering some more for the whole night. She looked for the number 35 and saw the sign across the street. She stared at the house for a while. She felt nervous for some reason. She looked at herself in a car window. She looked like a mess. Her hair was tangled, her eyes swollen from crying so much. George would probably take pity on her. That was so embarrassing. But given how her day was going she didn’t really care anymore.

As she opened the iron gate, she noticed a wooden sign that read “A. J. Lockwood & Co. Investigators”. The name didn’t ring a bell. The sign looked brand new. She vaguely remembered George mentioning a friend he was working with, but it didn’t look like she had met them before.

She felt lost. She wanted to run away, her shame growing with every step she took towards the door. It was almost unbearable. Burying herself into the woods in the middle of nowhere sounded more appealing suddenly. She forced her hand to knock on the door. She waited a few seconds that felt like hours. After a minute she figured they might be out. She turned around, ready to leave. This was a terrible idea. It was getting rid of the last tiniest bit of dignity she still had. As she stepped back one step the door suddenly opened.

“Hello, welcome to Lockwood & Co. Do you have an appointment?”

She turned around, surprised by the voice behind her.

“H-Hi George…”

“y/n? I didn’t expect you to come by so soon.” He looked at her and realized she didn’t look as proper as she’s used to. “Are you okay?”

“Not really if I’m being honest. Could I come in?”

“Of course, yes please”

He showed her inside.

“I hope I’m not bothering you.”

“Don’t worry it’s a slow day, I was just cleaning the kitchen.”

The hallway felt welcoming and seemed traditional at first. But as she walked deeper into the house, she noticed the masks hanging on the walls, the rapiers in the umbrella stand, the ancient weaponry on the shelves. The atmosphere was homely but also unsettling. It wasn’t unpleasant or threatening though. She felt strangely at ease.

They settled in a living room with the same atmosphere as the hallway. He brought her some tea and doughnuts she felt really grateful for.

“So, do you wanna talk about what happened to you? You clearly look like you’ve had a rough day.”

“I got fired from Fittes.” She blurted out. There. She’d said it out loud. It was official. George opened round eyes and looked at her in total disbelief. As he was about to say something she added

“For the same reason you got fired.”

George stared at her. His eyes couldn’t get any wider. They looked at each other for several minutes. After what felt like an hour George burst out laughing. y/n quickly followed. She relieved all the tension and stress she had been accumulating today. They laughed, laughed and laughed until they were out of breath.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Unfortunately, I am.” She said wiping a tear. At least this one wasn’t from sadness or anger.

“But what? How?” He could barely articulate full sentences.

She told him the full story. How she hadn’t believed anything he had told her. How Mrs. Dufour’s behavior had been strange. How she got talked into breaking the rules. How she was betrayed. How stupid and gullible she felt. How guilty she felt. For once it was her turn to talk. George found himself on the other side and listened closely to the whole thing.

“You really go all out when you break the rules.”

This threw them into another fit of laughter. At this moment, they heard the front door close.

“Hey George, sounds like you’re having fun. Who’s your friend?”

She turned around to look at the guy who had just entered. Her smile dropped. Could this day get any worse? Standing in front of her was the most arrogant and pretentious guy she had ever had the displeasure of meeting.

He took a step forward, putting out his hand as he said

“I’m Anthony Lockwood, pleasure to meet you. You must be y/n, George told me you would be stopping by.”

She stared at him; her anger rekindled. She didn’t shake his hand and simply waited, remaining perfectly still. After a few seconds he casually took a seat in a sofa opposite the couch she was sitting on.

“You look familiar, have we met before?”

She couldn’t believe him. Of course he didn’t remember. If the doughnuts hadn’t been that good, she would have gotten up and left without looking back. But she was desperately hungry, and she wasn’t so eager to spend the night wandering the streets of London with no place to go.

“You might have seen me around near Fittes, but I don’t think we’ve met.” She answered politely. He looked at her with a strange intensity, his expression briefly unreadable before changing into a complaisant smile. “It’s nice to finally meet George’s colleague.” She concluded.

“Well, more like his employer technically.”

For heaven’s sake. She mustered all the self-control she had left to not roll her eyes. She forced a smile, but it looked cold and stiff. The room fell silent, but it was probably for the best.

“So how are things going over at Fittes?” Lockwood asked her. He was trying to start the conversation again but there was a certain disdain in his tone that she didn’t appreciate.

George shot her a glance before turning insistent eyes towards Lockwood. It was sweet how considerate he was trying to be.

“Not that great actually since I was fired a few hours ago.” She said in a nonchalant tone.

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that.” He looked at his shoes, avoiding eye contact. “Having heard you laugh so much I expected a much happier context.”

“Sorry to disappoint.”

“No, I didn’t mean-” He stopped mid-sentence. He looked defeated and just drank his tea in silence.

George turned towards her.

“So what are you gonna do now?”

“I haven’t got the slightest idea…” She admitted. “Maybe wandering the streets of London tonight will inspire me.”

“You don’t have a place to stay?” George asked, a certain worry in his voice.

“All the trains were booked, so I couldn’t go back home.” She lied. She didn’t want to admit that she was scared to tell her family about her situation. “I could always find a hotel I guess.”

“Don’t bother, you can stay with us tonight. Right, Lockwood?”

“Um, sure. I have an extra room in the attic.”

Fantastic. That was just what she needed. To stay even longer in his company.

“I really don’t want to impose. I’m sure you’ll be better off without me.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, it’s just one night. It’s the least I can do after putting those ideas about Mrs. Dufour in your head. It’s all my fault really.”

“Why would you say that?” Lockwood asked, intrigued.

“I sort of got fired for the same reason he did.” She admitted. She couldn’t help the shy smile that appeared on her face. She genuinely wanted to laugh at herself.

Lockwood laughed at the situation too. He looked at her with a charming smile but she felt like he was laughing at her for being so naïve.

“Rule number one around George is to do the exact opposite of what he does.”

“I had my reasons for acting like this. I wasn’t blindly imitating him, she was being suspicious.” She said defensively.

“Maybe next time, or at least if there is a next time, don’t let George’s wild theories get to you.” He said with a wink. There was another face she wanted to punch.

She took a deep breath to keep her urges under control. Giving in to anger would only get her kicked out and then she would really be wandering the streets all night. She could always find another plan tomorrow but for now she needed to eat and to sleep soundly. The day had been exhausting.

[pinkgrapefloyd]

fic author q&a

tagged by @zannolin <3 tysm!

why do you write fanfic?

i love everything about it. i love how immediate it is. i can just click post and people can see it. i love when people tell me their favorite part in the comments. i love having 100% creative control. i love having no deadlines. i love shouting something i'm proud of into the void and then getting a reply from somewhere halfway across the world in a mutual second language. i love building community with strangers over things we both love. it's the best.

which of your posted stories do you think of the most even though the story is "finished"?

probably there's daggers in men's smiles because that one has the biggest piece of my soul in it. i also think of anti-hero a lot but i'm still working on the sequel so I don't count it as "finished".

if you could give yourself fic advice from when you first started writing fic, what would that advice be?

if it's a multi-chapter, get to the 90-95% mark before you start posting. not only does this increase the likelihood of you actually finishing it and ending up with a completed story you're proud of, you'll also end up with a better final product because you can go back and edit earlier chapters once the later chapters are taking form and make the themes more cohesive.

what's your relationship to fic stats?

i like em. i used to track them obsessively when I was younger but honestly i have neither the time nor the motivation for that anymore. but it's nice to see a number and picture actual people. 25 kudos is abstract to me, i don't care about that. but realizing that 25 people looked at a project and went "nice. thanks for letting me read it" is wild to me. makes me really happy.

is there a pairing or scenario or friendship that you miss writing? if so, why? if not, why not?

yes and no. i used to read so much fanfic and write almost none, and now it's pretty much the opposite. so there isn't really a lot of content i'm "no longer writing" because there wasn't much for me to abandon in the first place. steve/bucky was my bread and butter ten years ago (how is the winter soldier ten years old already? wtf?) and i don't really see myself returning there, but i keep finding similar vibes in my newer projects and i'm really happy about that.

what motivates you to write?

i don't know how to stop. it's how i deal with being a person. wish i had a smart inspirational answer but that's what it is. it just happens. if i'm bored or sad or happy or tired or nervous, i write.

why do you write for the fandom(s) you write for?

i haven't fully understood why i write for some of my fandoms but not others. there's a lot of media that i adore and have never written a single word for (hannibal, the x files, ofmd, discworld...). often it's specifically the idea of "this character trait / this dynamic feels underutilized, I want to explore it further". cobra kai is a yarn drawer of messy but compelling character arcs that often go nowhere, and i like untangling the potential of them. star trek is comforting and it's good soil for planting angst, hope and humor plus an ensemble cast.

if you're stuck writing a WIP, what do you do?

work on a different one. i have so many and i'm always obsessed with at least one of them. sooner or later i'll have an idea for one of the older ones and then that's back on the menu again. i never force myself to work on something specific.

what do you wish people knew about comments?

a long unhinged comment is the key to my heart (as @zannolin who tagged me in this knows all too well), but i love each and every one so much. i love comments that are just a chain of emojis, comments that say nothing except 'how dare you', comments that dive into themes and metaphors. i love comments that tell me my fic made them laugh out loud, made them stay up too late, made them tell a non-fandom friend about it. there are so many different types of comments that make up the tapestry of a fun community, so please don't assume that there's a right way to leave a comment and the author will be disappointed or upset if you do it "wrong". i'm always worried my comments are not as funny / intelligent / memorable / observant as other people's comments and i hope i can take that fear away from other readers!

(also i try my best to reply fast but sometimes it takes a bit and i'm sorry! it doesn't mean i don't love your comment!)

maybe there's a question you wish had been on here. what's that question (and answer)? -> what are some writing challenges you're personally looking forward to?

writing more funny miscommunication and seeing how far I can push it. scenes that are set in darkness so I don't rely too much on describing visuals. maybe a mystery one day when i feel up for doing something plot-heavy.

tagging @vimesbootstheory @dykesynthezoid @russolaw @ficusin and @blinkasaurus and anyone else who wants to participate <3

thank you @zannolin for tagging me! love that i can always count on you to be just as unhinged about tdims as i am

[blarrghe]

Shop talk! I know you're currently doing the whole writing and posting thing differently than before - like the whole thing is written, you're just editing and posting once a week. So what do you think of that? Do you prefer it over how you worked previously? Does it depend on the fic??

And how much editing are we talking? Both in terms of words changed as well as time spent on it? Do you do editing the next chapter for a whole week? Are you constantly editing all upcoming chapters??

Thanks for the ask! I love talking about this stuff :) Sorry for the obscenely long answer.

So it's the first time I've done that, and now that I'm in the posting part I am liking it a lot. I like the structure, I look forward to Wednesdays, I feel like I gathered a little bit of an audience that is there weekly with me as well, which is nice for everyone. I don't know if it makes any difference to people in terms of engagement if they hear that its completed in advance or see it posting regularly, but idk if it was me as a reader I would appreciate the regularity so I hope people do. At least one person has told me they're waiting to read it until it's finished/waited to start until it was over half posted, idk if I'll suddenly get new readers when its up in full or what but I def understand that. But yeah! The posting weekly thing has been nice. It feels productive even if I actually don't do a ton of writing every week.

Actually writing the thing took like two years though, specifically because there was absolutely no gratification to it haha. I didn't really even post wip snippets or talk about it much, because I wanted to keep my secrets. I was writing either Matchsies or A Complicated Match still when I had the idea and started plotting, so part of it taking so long is also that I was dividing my attention, and devoting more of it to the ongoing stuff I was actually posting. But I started this fic with the intention of letting it be a slow side-burner project so that I could make it "really good" by the time it went up. And that was a good call, because I did a lot of re-writes and re-structuring to elements of it, especially some of the early chapters, when I got further into the plot. To be clear, it's had the same outline all along, but there were connecting details that didn't work, like logistical travel time things that would have been glaringly annoying if I'd posted the first drafts of the first few chapters before writing the later ones. Also I re-vamped Sylvanna's character really early on into a more major role. She wasn't originally a bodyguard! Or really a main element of the story at all. Absolution came out at some point and I got Ideas.

Anyway, a lot of the editing that went into the fic before I started posting was pretty major, but by the time I was ready to actually start posting everything was much more concrete. I tend to edit the next chapter in the days before it goes up, and right before posting, mainly just for little details. But I try to give myself some distance and not overdo the constant editing so that when I do look at it right before posting I have some fresher eyes, right now I haven't looked at the next chapter (lying, I read it last night, but not from an EDITOR standpoint) in a couple weeks and I plan to put on editor glasses tomorrow morning before I post it. A big part of the editing that is ongoing is for how the prose reads, like I might come up with some gorgeous metaphor or re-do how a scene is described but keep the content the same. You get better all the time as a writer, so it's just about getting the Good Copy as Good as I can before it goes up. Every now and then I have a genius thought and go stick it in where it fits. Every now and then I also delete stuff or have a genius thought that doesn't actually fit and stick it in "CUT CONTENT" on the bottom of the doc. There's some Taren-perspective Bher stuff in there that didn't work with how I structured Ch. 20, for example. I was thinking for a sec I'd re-write that whole chapter and do a flashback chapter for him but it did not suit the flow at all and I only got a couple paragraphs in and then just... added like two lines of Taren Thoughts to get the point across instead haha. I also cut a couple chapters in half but didn't change them (19 and 20 are an example, which is also why a ch. 20 rewrite did not work.)

The most major edits I've made have been to the last two chapters, mainly to add in a few new ideas I had or to tie up loose ends I realised I was still leaving. I haven't majorly changed any of what was going to happen, it's more just me trying to really nail those last chapters. I am also constantly re-reading it in full (sometimes making minor tweaks to names in the narration ;) and also boring stuff like punctuation). I'll post a chapter and immediately get excited for the next one and go read from that point to the end...

There's also a "secret" epilogue that I wrote, really liked, and then cannibalized and entirely re-wrote like, yesterday. I wasn't initially sure I'd even post it but now I definitely will. So stay tuned for that ;)

[error403hrd]

Scarabedo Fankid: Tincture

Omg coming up with a name for them was hard, but I think I picked a good one. The tincture is also known as the Philosopher's Stone, which in turn is a mythical alchemical substance. The Sun and Moon (Gold and Silver) are known as the Father and Mother of the Philosopher's Stone. Albedo and Wanderer have a whole sun and moon thing going aesthetically (yes i know albedo is the stage that represents the moon shh, but maybe Wanderer could represent citrinitas because he can experience humanity better than Albedo... hmm... which would make Wanderer the sun and Albedo the moon, so the metaphor holds up) and the Philosopher's Stone was the most sought after goal in alchemy for centuries. In a sense, Albedo is one step towards the formation of the Philosopher's Stone, and I think it would be nice if his kid would BE the tincture. Like, Albedo was the second step (i think there were prototypes before him), Wanderer was the third (citrinitas) as a slight advancement, even if he isn't Gold's creation, and Tincture would be rubedo, the last step that signals success.

This is a long winded way to say that I didn't want to name them Rubedo or Iosis, so... yeah. Look Sucrose is named SUCROSE, so I think I get a pass here lol. Although, maybe I should've leaned a bit more into the reds, but I like the purple. We're lucky I didn't straight up use Wanderer's color palette like I almost ended up doing.

And yes, they're pyro. No I will not be explaining myself.

Underneath the cut is the words all typed out bc I know my handwriting is inconsistent at best, and also, here's a shitty bonus!

Tincture

Hair is Wanderer's color and a middle-ground between Albedo and Wanderer's texture. Eyes are Wanderer's shape (mostly) with Albedo's color. Albedo and Wanderer happen to share a skin tone, and their body shape is similar to Albedo's, if a bit lankier. They do not have ball joints.

Pyro Polearm ("Polearms have more reach than swords, Vater, they're simply more effective." "Swords are more versatile, capable of use even in cramped spaces." "Shut up or I'm going to give both of you magic guides.")

They're smart, outspoken, and introverted (they do not like talking to people but they absolutely will correct them.)

They're more interested in medicine than alchemy, but they don't mind continuing to study it — doing so allows them to spend more time with their vater after all.

They prefer Dragonspine to Sumeru, but end up spending more time in Sumeru due to the abundance of scholarly resources and fellow academics.

They HATE getting confused for Wanderer's sister, and will often loudly and angrily correct the offender. All of Sumeru now knows that Hat Guy reproduced, just not with who (their incredibly sharp tongue quells any doubt about their claims)

They don't spend much time in Mondstadt, but they like it and find it to be a much better place to relax than Sumeru, which has a lot of very WRONG academics just waiting to be debated.

Albedo is proud of them and their accomplishments and is glad that they still study alchemy despite their mild disinterest. They do so to spend time with him, and it's comforting to know that he's at least a passable parent.

Wanderer thinks they turned out pretty well, which he's surprised to find actually relieves him. He's also annoyingly pleased when they loudly and angrily let all of Sumeru know that he's their father, as if it's some great accomplishment to take pride in. What a brat. (If he finds himself smiling when they start debates all over Sumeru, well, he has just as sharp of a tongue if anyone calls him out.)

[grassintheclouds]

2025.02.27

like 3 nights ago my sleep was interrupted by sex from the next room. the guy fucking roared. it was disgusting. the day later i pasted a paper on their door saying; go sex in the love hotel, stop having loud conversations, there are other people living in this apartment. until after noon they didnt take off the paper, but after that next room was so silent i couldnt tell if they were absent or not. and it was alright for the next day too. i cant let my guard down yet, but i think they do have shame

hopefully

on that days afternoon i realised i have nothing else to do in my own flat so i went out to head to my fams house because i was gnna the next day anyway. not only i need to bring my sound iso tablets, i need to visit the governt house at that place.

so now im typing in the governt house, it was at 9:42am i was told the person i shuld speak to wont come back to office till 1pm. i said ill wait and they said ok. and im all fine too because we didnt schdule a specific time, and my anxiety is lesser with flex schedule, and waiting is not a burden for me if only thing i have to do is wait.

now what does it mean

i dont like waiting at home, because i have to check the clock wvery few minutes, i dont like to do the get out activity, take the bus activity, head to the building activity, walking with all the anxiety within me thinking, whats he gnna talk, will i be able to get information all i need , etc. id rather wait at the place we agreed to meet . this free time lets me write this diary too.

i called my fam ill be here all day and they were also like, why wont u come back, we shuldve phoned first. i also told to the government and i told the same to fam, my body cant handle it so it better i wait. moreover... its not like i have freedom when im with my fams... i have to keep listening to their bulshits and cater to their emotional needs. i wouldnt be able to write this diary even. they get triggered when i touch my phone.

...its such a perfect time to read. i tried. but i cant concentrate to the words. or anything being typed on. im just scrolling down unconsciously and somehow i feel my anxiety adding up. wtf

the comedians i love, one of them wrote a new post in note app. it was about him being too narcissistic, then his comedy partner taught him how to act like geniune human being. it was such a lovely tale, id never comment but id comment that this made me so emotional and how cute your twos bond is etc gibberish. so i told myself to not to comment. 8hours later i was on the train and i was suddenly got inspired with a metaphoric comment, and i managed to comment that.

"it is as if u are the demons child and your partner is the kind momotaro (a hero from ancient children story which a boy born from big peach go fight with demons) teaching u the ways of humans world. now you both are all grown up as a demon king and a peach-magic -katana-weilding-fighter. such an amazing duo."

that was yesterday. today i got a like from a stranger on that comment. i thought it must one of those accounts who put likes on all positive comments written on their favourite celebrity. but no, they only liked my comment.

maybe i should go read their note account.

reading her whole note account took me 2 hours. i left likes on the ones i liked and a very easy simple one comment on one of her posts. not following her because i dont want to have any of the fandom interactions. i also dont agree with some of her views. saddens me that she doesnt seem to understand grey zones in human beings.

one more hour estimated to go waiting in this governt bench.

govern person came back an hour early. nice. managed to ask and clear all out all questions. and then went to another department to ask what do i do with my disabled cards thats bound to this province etc. now im all done with here. big relief. the government person was very kind. he even stood by my side when we talked about the groupsharing services, he said he wont give out my new adress to them. wow. some decency from human being ever since i started medication.

omg omg omg im gnna cry im gnna cry my fam is so needy too needy i cant i cant i cant she wont fucking stop talking oh god oh god oh god pls stop pls stop omfg HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHY WHY WHY OH GOD PLS