#like i get that we're all grieving together or whatever. but i want to stop being civil about it.

[scattered-winter]

i want sooooo badly to lash out and pull away from everyone but the god damn people pleaser in me .

[furiousgoldfish]

I'm not sure if I'm going to publish this, because the story is traumatic, and even though I found a resolution, it could still cause pain to read this. Trigger is animal death, emotional abuse, and death and grieving in general. If this is something you can't think about, please skip this post.

I need to preface the story with a bit of a background.

As a kid, I lived in a rural area, surrounded by animals, and sometimes I would pick a favourite, and this animal would die. I'm not sure if my parents were killing these specific animals on purpose because they noticed I was spending time with them, but the animal that I would be close to, would die first every time, or be mysteriously lost. One time, one small baby animal got sick, and I was going insane trying to nurse it to health. Made a little blanket nest where I kept it, constantly tried to clean and feed it and keep it warm, and after a few days I just found it dead.

I couldn't handle it. I had bonded with the small animal, I thought I was not going to be alone anymore because this tiny creature was going to be my friend and we'll be going trough life together, and we're going to have each other, and now it was dead, and I deeply felt it was my fault. Because I didn't know how to nurse it back to health, nobody helped me, nobody else cared, and I thought I was cursed and that I kill any animal I come into contact with.

I didn't have a way to process or grieve this, so I dissociated and tried to erase the entire thing from my memory. I pretended it didn't happen. I couldn't be aware of it because it was too much. I already had so much trauma repressed, I couldn't handle anymore. So I acted like everything was fine and distracted myself with whatever, and you know what happened? My parents noticed that my animal was dead, and that I was acting fine. And they came after me. They made fun of me for 'seemingly being obsessed with the animal and clearly I don't even care anymore now it's dead'. I remember freezing in shock and horror when I heard this. They came after me to guilt me for not caring anymore for the dead baby animal. When it was, to me, very clear that it's something I'm not allowed to think about, because it was impossible to deal with. And their words worked. I felt even more guilty for acting like I didn't care. I felt frozen both in shock and shame for my behaviour, even though I would have done everything to keep the animal alive, to stop this from happening.

After that, I never got close to an animal again. Any animal closeness would trigger me back to this event, forcing me to remember my dead friend and how after spending the day in shock and deep dissociation I was told I didn't care. I didn't want any more animals to die because of me. I stopped eating animals. I did everything in my power to protect and keep animals safe. Including never getting close to one because my presence would surely kill them.

This was just the backstory, so you understand where I'm coming from when the next thing happened. And I also want to say, despite how rocky and painful this situation was, I think I handled it okay.

*

It was a normal day, I was going to work. I was biking next to a highway, when I noticed something that chilled me to the bone. There was a baby kitten, in the highway, trying to survive among the cars. I stopped in shock and horror, and the next event took only seconds to transpire. The kitten managed to get to the edge of the highway, close to where I was, and the thoughts in my head were 'I need to get it away from here, quickly! I need to put it somewhere safe!' but I realized if I advanced I might scare it, so I stood frozen in place to not pose a threat, but it was already too late. I had no time to do anything. The kitten looked up. Noticed me. Got terrified. Ran into traffic. Was dead in a second.

I didn't even have time to cry out.

I walked away frozen in shock. I kept muttering to myself 'I would have saved it. I was going to save it.' all the way to work. I kept repeating the event over and over, trying to figure out what I could have done. But there was nothing. Even if I had turned away and tried to remove myself from there, it would have been too late. The kitten would have noticed me anyway, and ran back into traffic anyway. The only way that kitten might have been saved, was if I wasn't there at all. If I didn't exist that day, on that highway, then they might be still alive. But I couldn't have known that. I didn't know me going to work that day would end in someone's death. If I had, I wouldn't have gone to work. I would have gone a different way. I couldn't have known.

The thoughts of 'world would have been better if you weren't alive' kept spiraling in my head, I tried to dissociate and forget this happened, like I tried when I was a kid, but it didn't work, I kept having flashbacks, I kept seeing the death play over and over in my head. That kitten looked rugged and abandoned. It looked neglected. It was all alone in a highway. There was no other cat or kitten nearby. And I knew how that felt. I could imagine myself so easily being abandoned, neglected, and left in a highway to die. And my role in that kitten's life was the one that caused the death. I couldn't forgive myself. Even if I didn't do anything on purpose, I was there, and the kitten died, and then I walked away dissociated and shocked, and there was nothing I could do anymore. It was too late.

I managed to do my job in this triggered and dissociated state, and by the time I was done with work, I had started to calm down and think about what I could actually do about this. Because I cared about this a lot, and all I did was walk away; not out of malice, but out of shock and despair. It felt wrong. And I understood what I needed to do to make this better. I had to go to the place of death, and say I'm sorry. I needed to act humane about this. And when you cause someone's death, even accidentally, you express regreat and grief, you say sorry.

I took off from work, and the second I realized what I was about to do, I burst into tears. I was sobbing and repeating 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' in my head the entire way. When I got there, the remains of the animal were still in the same place, even though completely unrecognizable. I stood by the edge of the highway and cried. I said how sorry I was, how I didn't mean to scare it. How I wished I could take it back, turn back time and make sure this didn't happen. How the kitten did not deserve this. I stood there crying and holding a hand over my heart, even though it looked insane. I cried all the way back home, shaking. And when I got back home, I was able to breathe again. And I felt slightly better.

I realized that this was my first, normal expression of grief and regret. It came delayed, because I was dissociated and flashbacking most of the day, but when I realized I just needed to deal with the situation in a humane way, that helped me feel human again. If you cast harm it's normal to express regret and grief, instead of dissociating and drowning in shame and suicidal thoughts. I still ended up crying later that day, but it wasn't a trumatic type of grief, it was just normal grief. It helped me feel normal.

The next day, I had to go past the same place, and the remains of the kitten were still there, and I couldn't help looking at them, feeling guilty again. I didn't know how to deal with that either, do I try to not look? Do I try to forget, because I couldn't do anything else but apologize, and I had already done that?

It took me a few days to figure it out. And then as I was thinking about it one day, it clicked. I needed to collect the remains and bury them. I was the only person who saw what happened, and who cared. I was tortured by the idea of cars disturbing the remains of that poor animal, I kept imagining it happening to my dead body, and it was harrowing.

So I grabbed a bag, went back to the highway, scooped what remained of the dead kitten in a bag. I promised I was taking it to a better place where it won't be awful like this. I was almost comforted by the fact that the remains didn't try to run away this time. We could go together to a safe place this time.

I picked a place next to a tree, with some stumps that I felt a cat would love to train their claws on. I felt it was going to rain soon, and I expressed the hope that the rain feels nice on the little animal bones. I forgot to bring a tool so I dug with my fingers. I covered the body with dirt, sat there for several minutes, speaking out my heart about everything, apologized again, and left it to the rain.

I'm not being tormented about it anymore. I know the kitten is in a good place now. Soft soil and rain are a good place to be. I guess this is what I had wanted to do from the start. Bring it to a safe location. Make sure it's not being chased by cars anymore. I managed to do it.

I think the only reason why I could figure it out, is that nobody was judging me, coming after me to attack me or guilt me, or tell me what to do or how I should be handling this. I was imagining the entire time, that if someone knew, they would either tell me how I could have avoided this, or that I'm stupid for being so emotional about this, and it would have ruined me. But this had no humans involved. It was just me, a dead animal, and I was given space and time to stop dissociating, to figure out what is the correct thing to do, and then do it.

I've started to think about whether I could resolve other things by the same method. What is a humane thing to do? I couldn't go back and bury my childhood pets, or tell them that I'm so sorry they died and I did nothing to stop it. I couldn't do anything about what my parents did to me either, the only consequence I could inflict on them was leaving, and I did that. So maybe it only works when you're free to do as you wish, and there are no consequences for any action, and you just pick to do something humane.

I learned that circumstances of someone's death matter very much, and what you do afterwards can change how you feel about life, and living. Ignoring a death and acting like nothing happened is one of the worst ways to go about it, but as a kid sometimes you have no other option, sometimes it's the only thing you can do. Because you're not given the safety to mourn. You're not free to express grief or regret.

This was the first death I mourned. I handled every other death, animal or human, by dissociating and feeling numb and helpless. I wish someone taught me how to mourn, and why humans have rituals like burying and grieving. Or even, if someone gave me space where I could mourn, where there are no consequences to what I do, and I could just spend some days figuring out what I'm feeling and what to do about it. Where I could figure out my own rituals to make the world feel a bit more humane.

Expressing grief, gentleness, affection and love to a dead body feels very humane. It makes death not so horrible, because after all, they're just safe in this soil, their bones are enjoying the rain, and they know you loved them and you wanted them to be safe forever. They know you handled their bones gently and wanted them to feel at peace. You got to tell them. You got to show them. Loved in death means something to the living.

[bingbongsupremacy]

Jacket

Warnings: Use of Y/N. I just wanted to let you guys know that in this fic the reader can fit in his jacket. I don't describe if they fit comfortably or if the jacket is tight on them, I made it up to the reader's mind so that everyone can feel included in the story.

Summary : The night Chrissy went over to Eddie's trailer, you went to. I mean, you weren't going to let Chrissy just go to a strangers house without back up. Unfortunately, when things go wrong, you end up on the same wanted poster as Eddie. Together, you're forced to run away.

Eddie didn't get held back in this. He and reader are both the same age.

*Not Proof Read*

ABC List Stranger Things Master list

*****

" What the fuck? What the actual fuck! What the fuck! " Panic courses through my veins. I begin to pace around the Munson trailer, my eyes planted on the girl only inches away from me. " Oh my god, Chrissy! "

It happened so fast. One moment Chrissy was talking to Eddie, the next she fucking flew into the air.

The horrible sounds of her bones cracking echo in my mind. I almost don't here Eddie's voice.

" What do we do? Shit, what the fuck do we do? You saw that, right? "

I manage to tear my eyes away from Chrissy. Eddie has distanced himself from the two of us. Like me, he paces near his door. A ring clad hand is anxiously running through his hair, panic flooding his face.

" We're fucked. " I whisper.

Chrissy and I had known each other since grade school. Our friendships was one of the longest I've ever had.

Part of me wants to grieve, to cry and scream and freak the fuck out. The other part is scared. What the fuck happened to Chrissy and is it going to happen to us?

" We have to call the cops. " I turn in the direction of Eddie's landline.

Eddie rushes to stop me. " We can't! We can't call anyone. Fuck, do you see how she looks? That doesn't-that doesn't just happen naturally. " His voice is filled with worry. " We'll get pinned for whatever the fuck happened here. "

" But we didn't do anything wrong! " I protest. " Maybe they can help us! Maybe they can figure out what killed her... "

Eddie shakes his head, and lets out a frustrated laugh. " Do you seriously think they'll believe us? A metal head freak who happens to run a club called 'Hellfire' and a quiet loner who's stuck in the shadow of Chrissy Cunningham. No, they're going to assume the worst, trust me. We don't have a chance if we go to them. "

His words hurt, although they are true. Everything I do, Chrissy was able to do ten times better and ten times prettier.

" Well what do you suggest we do? We can't just stay here! I don't know how much longer I can look at her anymore, god it's so awful. " I put my hand over my mouth, trying my best not to puke at the sight.

Eddie thinks. " We need to leave. I-I think I know a place. " He rushes towards the back of the trailer, towards his room. Within seconds he's back with his signature jacket and small backpack. He hurries out of the trailer with me quickly following behind.

" Where are we going? " I do my best to keep up with his brisk pace. We quickly pass his van. " Why can't week take a car? "

" Because they'll find us! " Eddie says, frustration clearly in his tone. " We're going to my dealers' house. Our cars'll give us away if we take them. We just have to stick to the woods. We can make it in an hour or two. "

I stay quiet not wanting to upset him even further.

This is going to be a long night.

-----

I'm really regretting not bringing a jacket or wearing comfortable shoes. It has to have been an hour. It has to.

I don't know for sure. All I know is my feet are killing me and my my fingers are pink from the cool nights' breeze.

It's been silent the entire walk. Both of us wrapped into our heads about what just happened. I want to go home. I want everything to just be okay. I want to wake up and find out this is all just some horrible dream. I want Chrissy to be alive.

" Y/N! " Eddie's voice hisses.

I let out a small gasp when Eddie suddenly yanks me towards him. He holds me tightly behind one of the nearby trees as a loud truck passes on the road.

His body is warm, bringing a small amount of comfort to my freezing frame. His grip doesn't falter until after the truck passes, a sigh of relief passing his lips. " They almost saw us. " His tone is slightly frustrated. He steps to the side to create some distance and I immediately miss his warmth.

" Sorry, I...I was thinking about Chrissy. " I murmur, hugging my arms to my chest.

Eddie shrugs off his jacket, extending his hand towards me. " Here, you're fucking freezing. "

I look at him in surprise. " What? Are you sure? Won't you be cold? "

" I'd prefer if you were alive, and right now, you're cold to the point I think you might die of hypothermia soon. "

" Thanks. " I mutter, accepting his jacket. As soon as I put it on, I begin to feel slightly better. I shove my hands into my pockets, quickly following Eddie out of the woods.

It's creepy in there.

Guilt fills my mind as I watch Eddie walk. His signature black and white hellfire shirt blows softly in the wind but he doesn't seem to be affected. At least he doesn't show it

" Here we are. Our new temporary home. " Eddie leads me towards a house.

" Are you sure we can be here? I think the owners might be asleep. " My anxiety begins to rise. What if his dealer turns us in?

Eddie chuckles. " Reefer Ricks' been in jail for the past two months and he definitely isn't coming out any time soon. I'm sure he won't mind us crashing for a few weeks. "

Unconvinced, I watch as Eddie lifts up the dealers' door mat. He picks up a small key that glimmers in the moonlight.

" That doesn't seem like a smart place to keep your spare key, especially for a dealer. "

Eddie unlocks the front door, letting me inside. " Well, there's a reason he got caught. "

We shuffle around the dark house, making sure to leave the lights off in case any of the nearby homes spot us.

We make our way upstairs when I remember I'm still wearing Eddie's jacket.

" Oh here, I almost forgot. " I begin to take his coat off.

Eddie shakes his head. " You can wear it tonight if you want. It's still pretty cold in here. I don't mind. "

He's not wrong. The house is old and almost every window has gaps where cold air is let in.

Eddie's sweet. I hadn't ever really met him before tonight. I didn't expect him to be so...kind.

" Thank, Eddie. "

I don't know what's going to happen to us in the future, but I'm glad I'm in this with Eddie.

[cloud-somersault]

(sits down opposite you in a booth at a ice cream parlor) i think a really important point of shadowpeach after reconciliation is the interweaving of all facets of their relationship and them struggling to meld those into some kind of cohesive "friendship" or whatever

and what I mean is that, like, there's always going to be some underlying resentment because wukong did a murder. so on Macaque's part, there's always going to be this anger and resentment and this hate that he has to deal with while also trying to piece their relationship into something that fits.

there's always going to be some guilt on wukong's part because he did a murder. there's going to be some guilt and an understanding that if Macaque, at any point, doesn't want to be friends, wukong understands why because of what happened between them. so he's saddened by the fact that things could end at any point and he doesn't have the right to try and fight for their relationship. i don't think that would stop him, but he'd be aware of it.

and then there's always going to be these echoes of their past haunting them. of what they were. because on some level, they're both still grieving that. they both miss that time in their lives, and that leads to anger, especially on macaque's part, because he lost something he coveted and treasured. and wukong also, because even if he killed macaque accidentally, he's allowed to miss that time also. because he wishes with all his heart that they can return to that past where none of the bad shit happened.

and then there's the threat of what they are now. broken and shattered people, jaded and knowledgeable of the world, they see these crumbled pieces and the feelings dwelling within themselves and look to each other and say, "Hey, can we really fix this? Can this really turn into something tangible and discernible?"

because the whole point -- (moves and sits beside you in the booth) the whole point is that they look at that scattered mess and decide yes, it's a broken mess that can become something worthy of being looked at. and though it's going to take time to put the pieces together and, in so doing, it's possible that we mishandle the pieces and they break further or the glue we're using doesn't work. and one of us may give up for a while, but we have to keep going.

the process of piecing their relationship together is difficult. they can cut themselves, hurt themselves or each other intentionally or unintentionally. it's a messy process. it's tricky and annoying and frustrating but, despite that, they both decide to keep working on it together.

and that's the reconciliation process. because we get to see that ugliness. it's not this pretty thing. it's not perfect and not everything it solved. it's only the beginning because, in reconciling, they both looked at that mess of pieces on the floor and then looked to each other and said, "Yeah, we can fix this."

but the thing also is -- this is wukong and macaque. and they're a little stupid. and they're prone to mistakes. so whatever they make at the end, whatever they piece together...

chances are it's not going to be beautiful at all.

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.169 Caught up

It's 5:19 a.m., and Desi is giggling, so I guess it's time to get up. Today is her birthday, and I am stoked about celebrating a new chapter of her life. But that joy in tandem with all these deaths, and watching everyone around me get older, has me feeling anxious. In the grand scheme of things, I'm still pretty young, not even a quarter of the way through my adult days. But time feels like it's zooming by. I can't recall exactly when it started, but these last few months have flown by so quickly. It feels like just yesterday I moved in with Sophia, and now I'm grieving the loss of my parents. And I have a toddler now. Where has the time gone? What have I really done with my life? Even though I know I've grown a lot, sometimes I still feel like that scared young man who was afraid of his feelings.

Desiree isn't ready to eat yet, but I'm starving, so I put her in the high chair while I got food for me. I learned my lesson, and she will not scare me like that again. I think she enjoys keeping me company, sitting there, blowing raspberries and saying things to me. She's so chatty so early in the morning. Maybe she's recalling a wild dream she had, heh. I'll always encourage growing her skills, but hopefully she won't end up as chatty as Chi Chi and her daughter. Still, I kinda can't wait to have a real conversation with her. I tell her today is her birthday and about how she'll be a big girl and all the fun things we can do together like go to the park, play in the water, and make friends. She doesn't seem impressed, and I laughed at her unamused face. I guess she's not interested in life outside my arms yet, heh.

Sophia joined us a little later, and I ask for her thoughts about doing play dates with Yasmine's girls. I expected a little resistance, but I didn't expect the full on stone face.

"We made a promise to each other, Luca."

I had not forgotten how we promised to make time for each other no matter how hard or busy things got, but what did that have to do with this? Desi needs to socialize. We may as well do it with kids we already know vs. meeting strangers at the park or whatever. Sophia admits the recent busyness was beyond our control and expresses gratefulness for the pockets of time we made for ourselves. But she also senses me getting caught up. I shift in my chair and tense up because it sounds like she's accusing me of something, and I don't like it.

"You have a huge heart, and I love that about you," she says. "I don't ever want you to stop caring about people, but while you're out here trying to help everyone, I feel like you're gonna edge me out of your life."

I can't lie. Those felt like fighting words, and I couldn't keep it together anymore.

"Edge you out? How could you possibly think that? After all we've been through??"

"No, please, you misunderstood me. I'm just saying I don't want to be left out. You're already gone a lot to look after your niece and nephews. I'm not a babysitter or even your baby mama. I'm you're wife! And we're friends! I miss talking to you and laughing about stupid stuff!"

"I'm not saying I don't want to help Yasmine," she continued. "Just...watch yourself. You're so quick to say yes to everyone, but I don't want you spending all of our time being a hero. Remember to make time for us. Please."

I see what she means now. I guess I have been falling down on the job lately. Taking care of her, Desiree, and the house is noble—endearing, even—but it's no substitute for spending quality time together, not that my goal was to avoid quality time. She shouldn't have to loiter in the living room, waiting for me to come home to spend time with me. I need to be more intentional about it. I still haven't taken her to that restaurant by Dub's house. Maybe it's time to clear the proverbial schedule and do that.

"I'll remember."

[dross-the-fish]

Everything feels so hopeless right now. I spend every day angry and depressed while I look at my dash and see fundraisers with sick and injured children. How do you cope? How do you keep writing and making art in a world like this?

Before my current job I worked at a crisis center so even before being aware of the genocide going on in Palestine I already had exposure to suffering and despair and lost battles and I learned something very valuable from that experience. It serves no one to get wrapped up in your own feelings of anger or helplessness. Do not spend the time and mental energy on the things you can't do, turn your focus on to the things you can. Do what is in your control. If money is tight boost and share fundraisers. Sign petitions, look up the BDS list and boycott, go to protests, participate in strikes, do your daily clicks. There are always material things you can do if you can't spare money. You as an individual cannot save everyone but it's ultimately better to make the efforts to save SOME than to save NONE. Every drop in the bucket helps, no matter how small. if you see posts that are angry, aggressive or hopeless just keep scrolling. People need to vent sometimes, it's not about you, just push forward and remember to focus on what is in your immediate control and let go of anything that isn't. If you need to you can put aside time grieve, cry, scream or do whatever you need to release the pressure valve later but if you've allotted time out of your day to focus on support that needs to be priority. if you feel yourself burning out step back, it's ok to do that. Do it quietly, take care of yourself however you need to, and come back when you have the energy. No one wants or expects you to be "on" all the time. Take breaks, do the things you enjoy, it's not hurting anyone if you stop to enjoy life or do some self-care. Likewise it's not helping anyone to run yourself ragged obsessing over guilt or anger. And remember we're all doing this together. Look around and see how many people are on our side and let that remind you that even when things look bleak there are helpers. You are one of many and small victories add up. It's bad, it sucks, it's completely unjust and we're right to be upset, but we need to work from a mindset of "we've got this and we're going to keep doing what we can until it's over" because if we give up and write it off as a lost cause then it really will be.

[eroaneki]

I'm starting to wonder if, fundamentally, my partner and I just need different things. He keeps telling me I don't talk to him, that he needs to get inside my head to know what I'm thinking or feeling. It's like this desperate need to create what I feel is an unhealthy bond with one another where you coexist together. He NEEDS that in order to feel loved and wanted.

Like yesterday he was complaining to me how I never talk to him about my therapy sessions, and I told him I never even thought that would be something he wants to discuss, because to me that's private. That's my time to discuss whatever it is I want to discuss in a safe setting. If I had to come home and talk about everything I spoke about in therapy, I wouldn't talk at all.

Well, he got upset with me over it and said "why don't you think I would care about that? Why do you keep thinking I don't give a shit about you emotionally?" And quite honestly I didn't know what to say because it was such a completely wrong take that my brain just shut off and I immediately left the conversation mentally. Internally I was like "this has gone way beyond anything I can comprehend right now and I have no idea how to steer it back" so I just noped the fuck out.

It started with a conversation about us moving. We have no plan as of now so I suggested we take over my mother's house because my mother has officially voiced a desire to downsize and move out of her house. I suggested it only as a means for us to get started finally since I'm fucking 33 next week and it turned into this whole back and forth of "if we do that then we're stuck here, I haven't given up hope on moving, I don't know where the hope has gone we had such a good conversation last year about moving, etc."

Yeah. Last fucking year. Then your dad got sick and shit got delayed. So to make up for lost time, this is something I'm suggesting. Because YOU keep talking about not wanting your first kid at 35. You're 34. Hello? I'm trying to offer solutions to help us?

I just feel like he's gaslighting me at this point, whether he means to or not. I don't think it's malicious. I just genuinely don't think he sees anything wrong with his outlook on things and how he perceives things. I've suggested like 10 times that he goes to therapy, especially because he has things about his dad and his dad's passing he wants to discuss. I've established a very clear boundary with him that I cannot handle conversations about death and grieving right now.

I'm here if he needs a hug or needs to just say "I'm sad," but I can't handle conversations about how his dad looked when he died and how he can't get it out of his head, etc. I've said multiple times to him I don't have the tool available to help him through that, because tbh that's like a ptsd thing and should be handled professionally.

Well, he's upset that he can't talk to me about it. "Wouldn't you want me to be able to talk to you about it?" is what he says to me. I told him yes, of course, but when you talk to me about it, it negatively impacts me and my overall well-being. Because then my mind is flooded with images of rows of reanimated corpses laying in hospital beds all with death breathing. And then I panic. I don't want that for myself. I think that's a fair boundary to place.

Our conversation left off yesterday with him passive aggressively saying he's going to stop asking me about therapy and stop trying to dig into my head, and that if I want to talk he's there. But it was passive aggressive because he stopped talking to me for the rest of the day yesterday. Didn't go like "alright, is there anything else you wanna do today?" Just stopped talking to me, went in the bedroom and played video games all day.

Oh and he was rummaging through the fridge yesterday and like binged on food last night. Was about to eat old pasta when I said I made quesadillas, you can have one. Because the other one was supposed to be my lunch for work.

Well. He ate both. So now I have no lunch for work and will have to buy something. And if I bring it up to him he's gonna say "you should have told me you were going to eat it for work," or "you should have sectioned it in a different container." Like, he didn't think for a minute that the reason there were two was because maybe she's taking the other half for work. Just went completely over his head. Not even taken into consideration.

Starting to realize why I feel so insignificant. I feel like a punching bag sometimes for him. Everything I do is wrong. And when I try communicating that to him, I get gaslit into thinking the problem is me.

I'm so miserable, dude. I keep fantasizing about people who will love me in a way I want rather than having to conjure up attraction and sexual desire. And again, I don't think he's doing any of this maliciously. He's just fucking oblivious to this shit to the point where it sucks the literal life out of me.

[alj4890]

The Statement

(Jackson Nevrakis-Walker x Nicky Beaumont) in a Choices The Royal Romance (While We're Young AU) drabble

Thirty Kisses in Thirty Days Challenge prompt: kissing at a masquerade ball.

@krsnlove @hopelessromantic1352 @lodberg @twinkleallnight @tessa-liam @sirbeepsalot

A/N thanks again @hopelessromantic1352 for starting this challenge off with three amazing requests with couples I adore 🥰 *on a side note I would still love help from whoever wants to in choosing couples for the other 27 prompts 🤣

Masterlist

"Nicky!" Emily Beaumont breathed in disbelief.

She couldn't recall any moment in her twenty-one years where her older sister wore red to a court event. After all, St Orella's House colors were a deep royal blue and silver.

It simply wasn't done.

It was a Lythikos color.

Nicky twirled around. She brushed her rich, brown curls back over her shoulder and readjusted her black lace demi mask.

"What do you think?" Nicky asked a touch nervously.

"I think you're wearing the wrong colors!" Emily exclaimed.

She herself was wearing blue with silver sequins dotting here and there. Her own silver mask dangled from her fingers by blue ribbons.

Nicky grimaced. She knew her sister wouldn't understand the meaning nor the reason why she'd chosen to wear another duchy's colors.

But Nicky knew why she'd chosen to do something so...noticable.

She was determined to make a statement, one that would silence the whispers and rumors running amok in the royal court of Cordonia.

She also wanted to make it up to Jackson.

The heir to the duchy of Lythikos had already gone through a very painful year. Nicky publicly dumped him when she realized that the timing was off for them to move forward in their relationship (she wanted to get married while Jackson didn't see the reason to rush).

She'd then left the country with her mom and sister to grieve over the loss of her father, Maxwell. Jax was left behind to weather a broken heart while having to face the press on his own.

While away and trying to move on from Jackson, Nicky began dating one of Hollywood's newest sex symbols. Jax of course also tried to date others in the hopes of forgetting what he'd had in Nicky. Neither was good of letting go of the memories.

And just when she believed he'd never want anything to do with her again after months of silence, he appeared in California and took her to dinner. They were able to talk and be friends. They even planned to attend a wedding for a couple they didn't particularly care for together, as friends.

Then he had to go and be her hero when she was embarrassed over catching the wedding bouquet. He stood in front of everyone, kissed her hand, and said he'd hoped he knew who the lucky man she'd choose to marry, all while giving the illusion to the overly eager court members that he hoped it was himself.

Finally, he caught her alone. When he saw her crying he did what he'd always done before things ended badly between them. He took her in his arms and kissed her.

It'd felt like coming home, like coming to life once more. It was both strange and familiar all at once to be back in his arms.

Then that night Jackson confessed he was still in love with her, that he'd never stopped. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't feel that way towards anyone except her.

He wanted to try again.

Nicky didn't think her heart could take much more in that moment. She felt exactly the same way, she'd always felt like that.

But...

She still did not want to simply spin her wheels with him. She wanted marriage. She wanted a family of their own. She wanted their lives together to truly begin.

"I never said I didn't want that." He'd argued. "I've always known you were my future, Nicky."

Jackson was prepared to get down on one knee if that's what it took to keep her in his life. He was tired of his numb existence without her. Whatever lesson she'd tried to teach him all these months apart, he felt like he'd more than learned it.

Before he could do anything though, Nicky took a deep breath and said they should start over.

His eyes widened. He knew that before they broke up that she felt like they were wasting time. With the death of her father rattling her even more that life was too short and one shouldn't wait on anything, those were the last words he ever thought he'd hear her say.

She stepped out of his arms, determined to do this right. Nicky wasn't going to bully him into wanting to marry her. Perhaps she'd gone about their previous relationship all wrong. She wasn't certain how to change, but she would try and simply be his date, then girlfriend, then love, then...hopefully...

Jackson yanked her back in his arms. His lips captured hers in another deep kiss.

"We're back together?" He asked in a hoarse voice.

"Yes, but we're starting over." Nicky's breath hitched over the feeling of his lips kissing along her shoulder. "We'll have a first date and see how it goes."

"I claim this as our first date." He muttered against her skin.

She laughed in the midst of a moan. "I don't allow those types of kisses on a first date."

"Then this is whatever date you would allow these on." He drew her back into another heated kiss.

"Jax." She gripped him close. "I don't want us to end like we did before."

"We won't." He swore. "I'm never letting you go again, Nicky."

That's why she was now decked out in red and black. She was giving a public statement, one that the Cordonian nobles would not be able to misunderstand. She was showing them all that she was fully committed to Lord Jackson Nevrakis-Walker.

"The court is going to flip when they see you tonight." Emily reminded her. "And what's Mums going to think?!"

Nicky wasn't quite certain what their mother would think in seeing the heir to St Orella dressed like this.

"We have to let her see you before anyone else does!" Emily dashed out of the room before Nicky could stop her.

The future duchess silently prayed that her mother's new love, Thomas Hunt, would be enough of a distraction to keep her from being upset.

Amanda walked in with an anxious Emily hot on her heels. Thomas had been dragged along by Emily, who was also hoping that his presence would diffuse a potential fight.

Amanda's hazel eyes drifted along her daughter's pale features made even more beautiful with the rich red of her gown. Her lips curved in approval.

Nicky blinked in surprise. "Mom?"

"You look absolutely gorgeous!" Amanda took her hand and twirled her. "Jax won't know what hit him when he sees you."

Emily's jaw dropped. "You're not upset?"

"Upset? Why would I be?" Amanda asked, thoroughly puzzled over that notion.

Emily gestured towards her sister. "Because she's wearing Lythikos's colors!"

"So?" Amanda prodded.

"So?!" Emily looked about at each person in the room for help.

Thomas held his hands up. "Don't look at me. I have no idea what's going on."

Nicky's nervousness caused a laugh to slip out.

"I know why she's wearing this." Amanda explained. "I did the same thing with your father."

Both girls stared at her in shock.

"But you had the higher title!" Nicky exclaimed. "Dad should have worn your colors!"

"And he did." Amanda replied. "But when we first started officially being together, I wore Ramsford's colors to a ball." She shrugged with a smile. "Just to let everyone know whom I had chosen."

Nicky blinked back tears. She loved not only hearing her parents' love story but also seeing her own follow a similar path. Like her mother and father; she'd fallen for Jackson when they were children, had a major crush on him as a teenager, and fell madly in love with him as an adult.

To see that once again she was mimicking their sweet steps towards a happily ever after, she was more than thrilled with her choice in dress.

She hoped Jackson would understand the significance.

*********************

"Have you seen Nicky?" Jackson asked.

Emerick and Alec both shook their heads.

"Why didn't you escort her to the ball?" The crown prince asked.

"Because." Jackson huffed to Emerick as he accepted another drink. "She insisted on meeting me here."

"But you two are back together, right?" Alec prodded.

He couldn't take another moment of seeing two of his best friends being heartbroken.

"Yes. I made certain of it." Jax ran a hand through his hair, accidentally knocking his red and black demi mask askew. "She wanted to start over."

Emerick choked on his champagne. "Start over? All the way?"

"Yes." Jax groaned. "I told her we weren't doing that."

"I don't know." Alec chortled. "It would have been entertaining for the rest of us to see you act like you did as children."

Emerick chuckled over that image "There would be a lot of chasing her around the ballroom to pull her hair."

Jackson couldn't help but grin over those memories. He couldn't recall a time in his life when he didn't love Nicky.

"There's a blue dress." Alec pointed out.

Their eyes narrowed as they tried to figure out who it was.

"It's Emily." Emerick announced when he noticed his younger brother, Ellis, making a beeline towards her.

"Nicky can't be far behind." Alec pointed towards Amanda and Thomas taking to his mother, Hana. "Aunt Amanda is here too."

Jackson didn't know why he felt so antsy waiting on her. He was used to Nicky taking longer than usual to dress for a ball. Perhaps it was because after the wedding in Paris, they'd had to part ways while she finished her work in California and he had his duties here.

Now that the Beaumont ladies were back in Cordonia for good, he'd hoped to see more of her. But, she'd been busy unpacking and catching up on duties in St Orella with her mother and sister. They'd ended up spending these last few weeks simply talking on the phone. As much as he loved being able to do so again, he needed to be with her.

He checked the time then handed his glass to Alec.

"I'm going to go find her." He announced.

"Good luck!" His friends called out as he hurried through the crowd.

*******************

As Nicky descended the grand staircase of the royal palace, she paused at the sight of Jackson's mother staring at her from the foot of the stairs.

Her grace, Lady Olivia Nevrakis-Walker's sharp green eyes took in the young lady who son was in love with. She'd always approved of Nicky, even supported her side of things when the young couple's relationship ended.

But to see her wearing her duchy's colors...she couldn't be more proud of her son for choosing such a woman to love.

"Nicky, you've never looked lovelier." Olivia told her once she reached the bottom.

"Thank you, Aunt Liv." Nicky gave her a quick hug. "I wore this for Jax."

Olivia beamed at her. "You were meant to wear Lythikos colors."

She clasped her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'll see you later."

Olivia hurried off into the ballroom to find Drake. She was determined that they did not miss a moment of the other nobles seeing the heir to St Orella make a public declaration to Lythikos.

Plus, she couldn't wait to see their son's face when he saw Nicky.

***************

Jackson did his best not to curse too loudly as he waded through the crowd of masked individuals. Laughter and the hum of conversation drowned out his grumblings. There were few people he would willingly seek out in this crowd and Lady Nicky Beaumont topped that exclusive list.

He stepped on one lady's gown, went to apologize, only to end up stumbling into another lady.

He grasped the soft curves encased in sparkling red to keep them both from tumbling to the ground. His dark brown eyes collided with a pair of hazel orbs that he knew so well.

His arms wrapped around her, drawing her close, as his lips brushed against hers.

The tender exchange made Nicky's toes curl.

Jackson deepened the kiss the moment he felt her hands slide up his chest.

"Should we be kissing like this on a second date?" Nicky teased.

Jackson snorted. "This isn't a second date."

"It kinda is." She smiled at him, taking in how handsome he was in all black, save for the red mixed in his demi mask.

Jackson actually stepped back to truly look at her. His eyes widened the moment he saw what she was wearing.

"Nichole Beaumont." He said softly, twirling her to where her red skirt flared about.

"Yes, m'lord?"

His smile slowly grew the longer he admired her.

"Care to explain your choice of colors?"

Nicky lowered her eyes and pulled her hand from his grasp.

"I thought it was rather obvious why I did this." She took a deep breath before lifting her eyes back to his. "I did it for you, Jax."

Jackson felt his heart ache from the sweetness of this public declaration of hers. She couldn't have told the world they lived in that he alone had her love any better than if she'd gotten on stage and announced it. If it was anything Cordonian nobles paid more attention to, it was fashion statements. He noticed that most of the crowd was whispering and pointing towards them.

This was gossip he could easily live with. He knew he'd caused some at Colette's wedding when he'd made such of show of being Nicky's escort. But Nicky...now she'd made certain to end all speculation about their relationship.

Knowing they had an audience and not caring at all for once, Jackson took her back in his arms for a passionate kiss.

He heard the gasps of the crowd followed by squeals and whoops from their siblings and friends.

When Nicky gently cupped his cheek, he ignored all the commotion going on around them. He finally had the one he loved back where she belonged, where he intended to keep her from now on.

Right in his arms.

[crowskyler]

About a month ago, my grandmother — my last living grandparent, on my dad's side — died. I've been wanting to sit down and write about it, but I haven't been able to actually do it before now.

It wasn't a shock. Her health had been declining for several months, and she'd been moved into hospice care roughly a month or so before. Two types of cancer and various other kinds of organ problems were the culprit. At 95, treatment options were limited, and she'd refused to do anything about it for months. I know this seemed to frustrate my dad, who went right into fight mode the second she needed to go to the hospital. He was carving out a plan with a specialist while my grandmother was sent to a physical therapy and care facility, where he had to fight her insurance tooth and nail — despite her not having able to walk more than a few feet.

Then a doctor from her plan got in touch with him and asked him why he was putting her through this. She was in so much pain from everything. He wanted to fight, but she didn't; she was over it. The doctor managed to convince my dad that she needed hospice care, to put together a plan to make her comfortable. And it worked. My grandmother was in much less pain when she passed, thanks to painkillers. When my dad told me she'd stopped eating, I knew what was about to happen. But my mind didn't really know what to do with the information.

I was at work when he called me, cleaning rooms at the hotel. Luckily it was a slow day and I only had to work a little bit more before I could go home, but I had to come in the next day. I was fine — unless someone talked to me about it, and then I was an instant crying wreck. I couldn't talk about it at all. My coworkers gave me a few hugs — the only people who did, and I'm grateful to them — and I managed to mostly get through the day, blessedly having two days off after that to attempt to process everything.

Or, I thought I was processing. But as I've come to realize, it was much slower than that.

My grandmother was the last of her friends to go, something that I'm sure made her feel pained and lonely; her best friend had died roughly a year ago, a lovely lady named Dorothy whom she'd talked to multiple times a day, for decades. Losing Dorothy took something out of her. Maybe that was the start of all of this. When my grandmother had been admitted to the hospital nearly 4 months ago, I'd started to see the writing on the wall. I'd already done some grieving and worrying. When she passed, I was able to feel a little glad that at least she wouldn't suffer anymore, laying in that bed and wanting to go back home.

As it turned out, my dad and the rest of my family very quickly went into practicality mode. My coworkers had put together a little lump sum for us, very kindly, and I offered to pay for a meal for all of us. A wake situation, or celebration of life — whatever you want to call it. My dad seemed bemused by the offer. Nothing's been organized. Instead, the project has been my grandmother's home. He offered for my sister and brother-in-law to buy it, and that's what they've decided to do, and now that's consumed everything. Sorting belongings, contracts, and finding an estate sale service to clear out everything we don't want. We're still in the middle of that. My sister sold her house and has about two more weeks until they have to move out. The estate sale will be this weekend, I think.

It's not my place to organize a celebration of life, or anything like that, but I've felt the absence. We had a wake for my mom a week after she died. Now, nothing. Just divvying up her belongings. Maybe we're waiting until my uncle can come down from where he lives, in about a month or so, I don't know. But my grief has sat nearly raw within me for weeks. When I go over to my grandmother's house to help out, it threatens to overwhelm me at least once. But with the exception of my brother coming over and breaking down a few times, my family's shown almost no emotion except on the actual day — when I heard it in my dad's voice. It's weird. Aren't we supposed to be commiserating and celebrating her in this time? But instead they're just gutting her house and acting like all of this is such a nuisance.

It's strange to get a hug from my coworkers and not my actual family. The silence has been deafening, from them and from the friends I've told. It's fine. I keep myself operating — mostly. And the lack of anything gave me a revelation, of sorts. When I was fifteen, I decided that I wanted to write. That's what I wanted to do more than anything. When I cleaned out a folder at her house, I found a story I wrote when I was a kid. Just some nonsense, but my grandmother had kept it for all of these years. She'd been an avid reader and had always wanted to read my writing, but after my mother had done so — and criticized it horribly — I became cagey about letting my family read anything. I'd wanted to become a published author, to present my grandma with a book she could read; to make her proud. But that hasn't happened. Depression and full time work have been a huge setback for years. And now she's gone, and I never had anything to show her.

I have many fond memories of waking up in the sun on her couch, while hearing the strum of my grandfather's guitar or the gentle brush on his drums, and smelling their coffee while my grandmother made us pancakes. My grandmother loved pizza, and she would often get it for dinner while I was there — and then we would have a cold slice of pizza for breakfast the next morning, another of her favorite things. She would give me a mini art lesson in the afternoon, or take me out for a walk, or let me play with all of her bead-making materials. In the late afternoon, she'd give me gardening tips while we weeded her yard and checked her tomatoes. In the evening we'd watch television. I'd sometimes beg to watch a nature documentary, which she was also happy to watch, or I'd content myself with whatever she found. On Saturday mornings we'd all watch cartoons together.

My grandmother was the most supportive person I knew as a kid, she would always listen to what I had to say. Even if she found it silly or weird, she would answer with words that made it clear that I was heard. As a teen who struggled with self esteem, it was everything to me. It's hard to accept that we can never talk about animals again (a mutual love of ours), or art; it's even harder to know that I'll never be able to listen to another of her lovely and funny stories. She had so many funny stories about the shenanigans of past pets and friends, and interesting stories about growing up in a rural and much less developed California. She taught me everything that I know about gardening.

And now I have to accept that I disappointed her, just like I've disappointed everyone else.

She would never say so, to be clear; she would hug me and tell me that she loves me no matter what, because that's the kind of person she was. If I said anything like this to her, she would tell me that I'm enough, I'm sure. But I've never managed anything impressive, or even average, and I know people in this family view me as a failure. I wish, desperately, that I had been able to do something to show her otherwise. Instead, I'll just have this emptiness for the rest of my life. No wonder so many people think of the afterlife as a shining place above, where you can watch your family below; future triumphs could be viewed by the dead, giving you comfort in life.

I hope writing down some of this has calmed the churning parts of me that haven't found any rest, these past few weeks. I'd like to start healing from this profound misery.

[kitkatopinions]

Opinion on Ren?

Ahhh, Ren.

He was a good support for around six years and his volume four arc with the Nuckelavee Grimm was pretty a-okay, nothing super special, but the biggest problem with his character in the first six seasons was the lack of attention paid to him in things like not letting him grieve Pyrrha and not showing his actual friendships develop + dragging out his romance with Nora (which should've started happening in volume 4 or at the very least in V6.)

V7 muddied the waters, making Ren have this arc where everyone was supposed to be mad at him for being a horrible friend and partner because he *checks notes* doesn't tell Nora every single thing he feels as soon as he feels them and didn't feel ready to date her and didn't like being forcibly yanked into a kiss he'd just made it clear he didn't want. I was already feeling sorry for Ren in V7, but then V8 included him being the only member of the team other than Ruby to even consider 'maybe we're not doing that good maybe we're in over our heads' which was, you know, just the truth. However, all Ren got for his troubles was scolded for being such a horrible person to ever doubt their perfection. And then Ren got a semblance upgrade that let him identify people's mood, like a mood ring, and he somehow understands what every color means immediately, and I guess the only person who can feel more than one thing at a time is Winter, and I guess Ren just is intuitive enough to determine exactly what people think based off of their one single feeling - like telling Marrow doesn't want to do what he's doing just because Marrow is sad. And it's like... The dumbest most hand-of-the-author semblance until Neo's V9 upgrade, and used terribly. But apparently acquiring the semblance was enough to make Ren randomly decide he was stupid for thinking or feeling the 'wrong' things and he suddenly was just like "actually everyone is right we're perfect :) :) No one needs to confront any mistakes :) :) I was being a bad friend and partner for not immediately doing whatever Nora wanted and it was wrong of me to have any reservations about our relationship :) :) It's a good thing fearless Jaune is here to be perfect unlike me :) :) Gee I sure am glad Nora forced a kiss on me :) I was one hundred percent wrong :) So glad I stopped thinking any of us need to change :) Better start making sure I express all my emotions the way Nora does because being reserved is a sign of a bad guy :) :) :)"

I mean, what a sucky way to deal with the character. I like Ren okay but less now that he switched around in V8, and I'm really anticipating that the only thing his character will be used for from here on in is just getting together with Nora officially. I still like him, but since his type of character isn't the type of character I gravitate towards usually, I just don't find him particularly interesting with how they've handled him, which sucks because he has a lot of potential! But past being indignant on his behalf and then rolling my eyes over how he switched around to the rwbyjnor group think, I just think Ren's good-ish but not a character I really gravitate towards.

[not-that-blog]

So I have major death anxiety and my way of dealing with that is planning, a lot of planning and trying to prepare myself for the fact that when people die, it is going to absolutely fucking suck and I am going to hate it and it will rock my entire world all over again.

And I don't know her umblr despite knowing that I used to follow her on my original account, but I follow Berklie on TikTok and her dad just died and there's one where she mentions how she's mad at her brother again for dying and leaving her to face the funeral decisions alone.

And it hit me with the hardest fear that I had not considered actually....

How much will I hate my disowned sibling when we lose our mother.

How much will I hate him when I have to bury my father.

How will the three of us who actually 'talk' do when we have to bury either or both of our parents.

What happens when I lose my sister?

Like, tbh, we always thought that I would go first, but actually it looks like I am going to be the one who successfully fights death until I make it to my 90's or higher because honestly... I actually have a will to live not just not die…

But my sister also has a potential brain bleed and has had a stroke and is at high risk of stroke and all I can think is that at any moment my sister could die and she doesn't talk to me and I am clueless to what she would want tbh.

Similarly with my little brother, but mostly bc he does mixed martial arts and I worry about the impacts of yo-yo dieting for weight classes and head injuries for him... plus he still lives with our parents and that's just not a healthy environment. I moved out of that house and stopped having seizures every fucking day so that tells you a lot.

And the disowned sibling? The one who cut us off and us in return went 'cool, we're deadbolting it behind you asshole.'… I dread his return in any of those circumstances.

But if he returns for our younger siblings in the very very distant future, bc idc how much I fight with my younger sibling being an asshole too he's not allowed to die anytime before his 70's at least... I will lose my shit at him.

Our sister, I'll shut up a bit.

Our mother, I'll give him some shit but let him grieve.

My father? If he shows up there I'll tell him that I don't care about his grief there or whatever, he can fuck off, he can cry over his direct family members only, but for mine and our little brothers only piece of fucked up family? He's not welcome and he can go back to the abusive Hamilton fuckers he chose.

But I think with my father, who probably won't stubbornly kick it anytime soon but if he does...

Potentially the shirt he married my mother in. It's the kind of sentiment he would like because as much as I am team 'they should have gotten divorced years ago', they've been together coming towards 40yrs (I think mum was mid twenties when they met and she's 60 in February), married for 19/20 in September? I can't remember if I was 5 or 6 when they got married, but I think it's 20 this year bc mum was talking about going to Tassie for their 20th wedding anniversary.

My mother is probably getting dressed in something pink, flowy, long and floral. And she wants to buried, but also under a plant. So if I can, her headstone will be made so that I can put a rose bush on it. She refuses cremation so I can't just seperate her into necklaces and give people memorial plants. I will do memorial plants anyway for her, she'll get a little memorial plaque in a personal rose garden when I have a permanent place.

If my father doesn't go in his wedding shirt, probably something with coloured birds or a car on it. I have several shirts in mind he could go in, but I would also want to make essentially in memorial bears or blankets or something.

Because as much as my parents suck, I do actually care and believe they're good people at heart and I have seen that in them... they're just severely fucked up from some horrific levels of trauma and both are actually at risk of alzheimers, mum genetically and dad from all the head traumas and drugs. He's already dealing with major cognitive declines, it's just the curse of he's always been so fucking smart with a photographic memory and a decent enough amount of social skills from growing up rural that he hides it too well from medical teams and he's going to be so far gone before it shows up in testing. Because I haven't recognised my father in 5-6 years so, it's just painful.

I'm also responsible for everything now.

My sister has walked out and gone NC.

My younger brother is the kind of autistic that doesn't cope with it at all and I am actually completely terrified for what his response to grief will eventually be.

Our other brother has been gone for a long time and I am aware that if he shows up while I'm grieving I will lose my shit at him because the rage is there....

But I am the oldest child of my mother's second marriage and my father's oldest child.

I'm the one who's been designated to go through and remove things on behalf of both of my parents that they either: 1. Don't want the other to find. 2. Don't want the other to accidentally toss because it's valuable in some way and they both acknowledge occasionally that the house is affected by their hoarding habits.

I'm going to be responsible for burying my parents and I have never been so heartbroken and relieved to realise that I am going to be doing it alone.

Although realising this, I am going to sort out my own life insurance and funeral arrangements soon bc fuck leaving that stress to my loved ones.

[our-inspire-verse]

Alastor fronting. Ye its nice to get to know our Vox (insys) lately.

More on a group of headmates/fictives of ours below the cut

He's calmed down so much and is a lot more pleasant to be around and feels generally less mentally ill (he says). Now he's all cheeky affectionate with me instead of being as sarcastic and dismissive. He's a sweetie. And he made fun of me for having a bit of feelings because I called people sappy. As if he hasn't been acting sappy all day, comparatively.

We were talking warmly about something, I cant remember now. It could have been about our partner system or even what we're having to eat. But he instinctively grabbed my hand affectionately and we touch like that now naturally rather than pushing through memories or feelings to just force ourselves to be vulnerable. It felt good and natural.

So of course Lucifer has to scoff and roll his eyes sarcastic like. I laid my ears back and smiled at him all "yeah i thought you wanted us to make up. Jealous?"

He laughed. He was so warm there, all of us are doing so well, that internal communication came through automatically and i could tell we all felt pretty well. "A bit. I did want this, and i do, I'm glad. Dont get me wrong but you know i like both of you. Of course NOW you guys make up, here in the crew like this. Just made me chuckle"

He's right. It does feel silly. All 3 of us are from different parts of our timeline. I'm probably from the earliest era, which is when season 1 happens ish. Vox and Luci both remember further ahead. So that means our personalities and motives and memories don't always align how they did when we were all in the previous dimension together. I've had minor breakdowns over the memories that them being near me in headspace has triggered. I think i found out why i had such weird vile feelings toward Lucifer when he arrived, while Luci had such fond pleasant ones at me. I blamed him, for a lot of things. For Vox. It wasn't really his fault, even not being able to see what happened, i know and can acknowledge that and i can sense him near me now. I know he can hear me say I don't blame him. I do love him. And though i did Like That in last life, its taking some patience on both parts to get there in this one. Both of us are okay with that.

And while me and our Vox never made up, never got back together, and i was the sad one and he complicated, we have this lifetime to catch up. Make up for the times i had to grieve him. Whatever happened, if it happens in our source the way it did for him, at least i know he's around this time. I dont have to hold on without him again.

As for our partner system, how WONDERFUL to have a Vox paralleled to my timeline, perfect for me as opposed to my dimension. This is the timeline we all make it work. Simple and happy ❤️. Me and my Vox, our Vox and their Alastair. All 4 of us just resting and making it work. How could it get more lovely and wonderful

Lucifer contribution: the only way it could is making applemedia. Is it radiostatic²? Not to bring up exes but how fucking funny is that. All the doubles. Im gonna look in the portal for Val and yall can't stop me it would be the ONLY THING funnier other than them getting a me. I think that would be hysterical

As Al again.. i think he shouldn't have Rights. We need to get him back out of this crew. What the fuck

[rayelishuman]

print("hello world") // some last words

it was your first relationship, and i should've known better than thinking you were "the one"; we are still so young, and there is still so much to learn about life and who you choose to share it with. we used to love each other, i think. it was so puppy love-esque, and i enjoyed it while it lasted. those were the days we followed each other into every room the other entered, held hands for every street we crossed. we kissed in every empty room and for every bad day i had, you were there to rub circles into my hand and tell me the things i wanted to hear. i pushed you towards the world, and you pushed me towards the stars; you were, perhaps, everything i had ever wanted for that brief, 2-month period we were an item. there was never a moment where i doubted what i felt.

now that it is gone, i have given myself 30 days to grieve. someone once said that grief was just love without a place to go, and i feel the love i have for you leaking out of me for every second i remember to miss you. for each day i choose to wallow in my sadness, i am drowning in the thoughts of what could've been. and no— do not mistake this sadness as me wanting you to come back. on the contrary, i know what we were and i know where we'd go. i know what we're capable of together and i know now that i would never be satisfied in settling for that.

but you were nice to hold while you were mine, and it is so easy to slip back into old habits: you. i wonder if relapsing feels like stealing chocolates from my parents' room to give to you, but remembering too late that we are over. that i will meet someone from your hometown, and i'll open up our messages so i could ask you only for me to realize that we are no longer together. for every flash of black and yellow, or that sanrio character you liked so much, it hurts and the pain is unreachable. before, when i missed you, all i had to do was tell you and you would be there. but now, i am forced to fill that void with other vices, other people. when i crawl into a conversation with someone new, i look for shrapnel of you and i bleed all over again.

yet if there is anything i do not want back, it's you. not you, again. you have changed me beyond recognition and i no longer know myself; give me time to. i can't pinpoint the exact moment you stopped loving me, but i remember you got complacent. you figured my stupid little heart out and how it only wanted you and whatever you had to offer. when you had something to say about us, you could say it to everyone except me. you kept getting lost but expected me to keep finding you, every single time. and i did, but it was so tiring; the idea horrified me, honestly. the fact that loving you became a burden, a chore. but you didn't love me the same anymore, and i wasn't the only person who saw that.

i ended it because you couldn't. don't say i never cared about you when my pen bleeds for you every hour i do not see you reaching out. but that's the problem, see? you didn't bother chasing after what you lost. i served as a lesson to you; to not wait until people are gone to fully appreciate their worth.

[lookingforhappy]

honestly yea this was a bit of a weak spot tbh, like i dont hate it, it's just not brilliant writing to me.

Five

fine, believable, understandable. cool development for his character considering he's so far been the only person consistently fighting this outcome, the only person who's been forced to live in the aftermath, and the only person to have witnessed the bad end at least twice.

8/10 bc honestly explain the founder plotline please?

Viktor

ok this checks out. He's repeatedly caused the end of the world, he's the reason this happened at all, he admits he can't/doesn't know how to stop himself from destroying everything and hurting everyone, including himself. of course he's depressed. on top of that Allison, his biggest supporter and best friend, is incredibly mad at him to the point of venomously refusing to even attempt to reconcile (which understandble from Allison's perspective but yeah this is gonna make Viktor depresesd). Plus his childhood confidante and current "saving the world" expert is also advising anyone and everyone to not save the world.

also 7/10 because the rest of his family is still alive?? and he doesn't consider their vote (Klaus?? Allison kinda? even Ben and Lila???)

Luther

meh, not brilliant. he's going thru shit this season, he got kidnapped and none of his family came to help or even noticed, his sister/ex tries to/did assault him. Also he's probably the most consistent in following/helping Five so it makes some sense that Luther would give up once Five gives up. But also, he's previously bullied Five into doing things his way, or not giving up etc on at least 2 occasions, so he's not blindly following Five (which is also evident when he literally throws Five out of his way in s2).

4/10 because he's just figured out what he wants his future to look like and who he wants to spend it with and now he's giving literally all of that up?? he's bullied Five before (two fives incident) just egg him on some more too??)

Sloane

hate this but understandable. She's explicitly shown to love 3 things: Luther, travelling, and her family. Since her family is dead it's understandable that she'd be upset, depressed even suicidal. She's only seen grieving Jayme and Alphonso for a moment, then pushes away/avoids Ben, her last remaining family member, during her own wedding. She also grieves Luther with a lot more intensity and rage than any of her 5 dead siblings. and also at points talks about how she felt that her family was more of a front/business than a family. so while she does claim to love her family, we're not actually shown her doing much if any of that. Her other passion is travel, which is shown to be a long standing dream of hers and a big part of why she clicks with Luther (who is pretty well travelled nowadays) who understands and supports her dream. With the world ending there is no travel opportunities, so you'd think she would try and make her dream possible by saving the world (she even says she worries that there's nothing after death, so she can't live out her dream after she dies anyway). but no, she just does whatever Luther thinks. God I wish the sparrows were more fleshed out, even Sloane didn't get a lot going on.

5/10 because she should have at least been allowed to voice this instead of being "Luther's wife". or also like, actually show her character and mindset at all? she's more upset that Luther, who she's known for like 5 days died literal hours before the end times than any of her family dying when she thought she had the rest of her life ahead of her????? Sloane deserved better.

Diego

hate hate hate. he chooses this out of spite, to piss off Lila? I guess? Lila wants to fight for the world, and for her child and their future together with Diego. But Diego is annoyed that she won't remain behind in a dying world where death is imminent while he charges ahead. So Diego essentially says "you would rather fight for everybody's future, including our unborn child, instead of let me protect you. so i am going to doom all of us to die" which like what the fuck Diego??

2/10 because they get too carried away with making him the silly one, and forget that he actually has enough intelligence to understand that you shouldn't doom the whole world, including your gf and unborn child, over a petty domestic squabble for control.

yeah a lot of it doesn't compute for me.

The Umbrella Academy, season 3 finale, episode 9: The mid-episode vote makes no sense. It's a few hours before the end of the world and they don't want to take their ONE chance to save the universe??? Except for Five, with the future self story, everyone else doesn't have A SINGLE REASON for not trying to fight the end.

[writingintheshadowsforever]

Yelena x Reader Whatever It Takes

Warnings: Angst, mentions of depression and drug use

Her smile, her laugh, her excitement over the little things, and her love for vests is what kept you alive. The days after you departed from Titan after with Tony and Nebula after failing to stop Thanos. In your mind everything would be okay you and Tony would find a way out of all this like the old times. This wouldn't be the end of the line for either of you, or the friends that turned into dust. Right before your eyes the Avengers would reunite and find a way to fix everything. Her love of vests really did help keep you alive considering she gave you one specially modified for you. It was filled with all your favorite mini snacks, and food supply started to run low after while. You were down to your last pack of powdered donuts when Carol finally came to the rescue.

Your energy was depleted, your body was on the verge of falling apart but, somehow you found the strength to get your legs moving. Excepting to see Yelena waiting outside the ship in better condition ready to catch you. But the only person in sight waiting was Natasha and the rest of the group. As soon as her eyes landed on you she was running. You didn't realize that your legs gave out, and your head was seconds away from colliding with the concrete. Till her arms wrapped around your waist slowing your fall. Natasha went to the ground with you holding your shivering body in her arms. You buried your face in her shoulder as she placed a gentle hand on the back of your head.

"Shhhhhh y/n shhhhh it's going to be okay we're going to get her back. I promise okay we'll find a way. Nat whispered as you started sobbing your arms wrapping around her. You were holding onto her like she was a lifeline.

In the end as much as you wanted to be part of the mission to recover the Infinity stones. Your body was just too weak, and you were so emotionally distraught over losing Yelena that. You wouldn't have been any good to the team either way. So they left you behind with Natasha telling you everything would be fixed. But it when she returned without Thanos or the stones. You already knew for a fact that there was nothing else that could be done. Yelena Belova the love of your life was gone, and you would never get her back. For a while you and Nat grieved together holding a personal candlelit vigil for her sister and your girlfriend.

The two of you reminisced about the good times how Natasha did her best to keep the two of you from meeting. Because she knew the two of you together would mean nothing but trouble, but then you came swooping you in. While they were running away from the Taskmaster catching the shield right before impact. You sent it flying right back at the Taskmaster striking her in the chest. "Now that is a cool entrance" Yelena mumbled watching you in awe. You turned around and gave her a wink, and that was the start of a beautiful relationship. Natasha didn't think the two of you would end up together until she saw how sad Yelena looked. When you told her that you would be sticking with Nat to clear things up with the government.

She pulled you aside and told you to go with Yelena instead, and to take care of her, and keep your hands to yourself. You told her that you couldn't make any promises for the last one, but you would definitely take care of her. Running off before she could hit you, and the next time she saw both of you. Yelena was holding your hand, and you had this dopey look in your eyes.

Natasha went on to distract herself with whatever Avenger duties, she could do. But you fell into the deeper into the hole of despair to the point. Where she was afraid to leave you alone sometimes not wanting to lose you to. For the first couple of months you refused to leave the room in the apartment. You shared with Yelena your days were spent laying in the bed that long since lost her scent. The clothes she left behind would wrapped around your body her scent lingering on her favorite vests. You would cry yourself to sleep at night, but eventually your body ran out of tears. Nat would come in some nights and hold you, but it did no good. It's safe to say the first year without Yelena was the worst.

But it didn't get any better or easier with the second or third year. Steve tried to convince you to try and move on, but you reminded him that he never let Peggy go. He left you alone after that but you did start going out again. At first it was little things just getting coffee or going to see a movie. Natasha realized you were fulfilling a bucket list of things you were supposed to do with Yelena. Bruce told her it was probably the only thing that made you feel connected to her sister, and it was helping you cope. Until it wasn't enough and you started to drugs that made you hallucinate.

It was like she was right beside you again and she felt so real. You got addicted real fast, and it pained Natasha to have to take the drug away from you. She was the only one brave enough to force you to clean your system and get straight again. She basically had to lock you up in the compound and listen to your fists pounding on the door. When pleading didn't work with her you turned to name calling, and blaming her for letting Thanos get away on Earth.

Carol had returned for a daily check up by the time you were clean, and Natasha suggested that you go with her. It would be good for you to get a change of scenery. What she really meant was you needed to get away from all of the things that reminded of Yelena so much. You agreed for the simple fact that you felt like you had put her through enough. That's how you spent the fourth and fifth year traveling through space with Carol becoming a space Avenger. She was right when she said there were other planets out there that needed help. You took out all your pain and grief out on whatever alien that crossed your path.

A couple of times Carol had to rein you in, but things were good for a while. You still missed Yelena terribly and thought about her every single day. But now you had more than enough distractions to keep the memories from consuming you. Natasha almost didn't want to reach out to you, because she didn't want to give you false hope. It was Carol who convinced her that you had right to know, and to be part of the mission. You left space and returned to Earth with no hesitation determined not to fail this time.

You nearly lost yourself again when Clint returned from Vormir without Natasha, but he reminded you of your promise. To finish the mission and to do whatever it takes to get everyone back. You stayed strong knowing that Natasha's sacrifice couldn't be in vain. When the final battle went down the only thing you could think about the whole time was Yelena. She didn't appear on the battlefield with the others after Bruce did the snap. You had no idea where she was on Earth when she was dusted, and it was driving you crazy to know that. Yelena was back and probably panicking right now trying to figure out what happened to you. The teleporting device that Carol gave you had just enough juice to one more jump. Just as you were getting ready to make the trip to the only place you could think of. You heard Tony call out your name.

"Y/N the glove"

Thanos had somehow managed to get a hold on Tony, and he sent the glove flying holding the stones flying in your direction. Three things happened in the next five seconds that ultimately decided your fate.

One you locked eyes with Stephen Strange and remembered the conservation. He had back on Titan with you and Tony saying that there would only be one chance to win the war. He held up a single finger and gave you a small nod.

Two you glanced at Tony and saw the desperation and fear in his eyes as Thanos knocked him to the ground. The purple Titan was making his way towards you as fast as he could determined to get the glove.

Three her smile, her laugh, her excitement over the littlest of things, and her love for vests. All of those things flashed through your head like a two second movie. Along with all of your most fond memories of Yelena, and you knew right then what had to be done. If you were going to save her like you promised.

You smashed the button on the teleporting device disappearing instantly. You reappeared just in time, and the perfect spot to catch the glove. It slid onto your hand with ease as if it was made for you Thanos was only a few feet away yelling no. "Whatever it takes" were your last words before you snapped your fingers dusting Thanos and his entire army. You don't remember much after that most of the heroes around you were cheering. It was Tony who caught you and helped you lay back against a wall. By now the cheers had stopped and everyone was gathering around you with sad eyes.

Peter was the first one to come up to you resting his head on your chest for a moment. Before pulling away to look you in the eyes "we won miss y/n it's over we did it." He said his voice cracking just a bit as tears welled up in his eyes.

"I know kid isn't it great and how many times do I have to tell you to just call me y/n" You said your voice just a whisper. Your body had taken too much damage. You didn't have a lot of time left if only someone knew to go get her.

"Sorry y/n I keep forgetting you're only what three years older than me." Peter replied back a sad smile on his face

"Five years but that doesn't matter right now Pete tell Clint to come here and to hurry." You pleaded as you felt yourself fading away.

Peter nodded and started yelling for Clint who rushed over falling to his knees in front of you. "What do you need?" He asked his voice urgent knowing it wouldn't be too long now.

"The lo-lower ri-right pocket on my ve-ve-vest" You stammered as the tears started flowing from your eyes. This was it there would be no goodbye for you and Yelena. It wasn't fair you gave everything to get her back and now you were her leaving to live the same fate. You were forced to live for the past five years. And she had to do without Natasha as well.

Clint fumbled trying to get the pocket open but finally he was pulling out a folded piece of paper. He held it up for you to see it brought even more tears to your eyes. "Her name is Yelena Belova I love her more than anything in this world. I won't be able to say goodbye to her like I want to make sure she gets that letter Clint. It's all I can do for her now promise me she will get it. Please promise me she needs to know I never stop loving her." Her name was your last word as Clint held you as you finally gave in to your the damage the stones did. He swore that he would find Yelena Belova and hand deliver the letter to her himself.

Two Weeks Later

Unlike Natasha who was the unsung hero of the war with Thanos, you got a very public and open funeral with all of the heroes attending. Yelena heard about your death on the news once everything was sorted out. She broke down in the same bed you spent the first two years without her crying in. She didn't have the strength to attend the funeral, nor did she want to be there with everyone else.

Yelena waited till the crowd was gone and no one was thinking about you anymore. So she could her moment alone with you Fanny hopped out the car, and ran off to wander around. You were buried in New York which is why she stopped at yours first. She laid the red tulips down on your grave before pressing her forehead up against the headstone. Yelena let out a shaky breath "you idiot you promised to come back to me." Then the tears were falling from her eyes onto your grave.

Taglist: @wandanatvoid @yelenabelovasgf @romanoffomixam @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @xxromanoffxx @jamesbonds-things

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

COSMIC - S1:E4; Chapter Four, The Body - [Pt. 3]

A Will Byers x Male!Reader Series

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘌𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘠/𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘺 𝘰𝘥𝘥 𝘴𝘺𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘰𝘮𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘧.

WARNINGS: Cursing. Homophobic comments from Tr*y [his in script use of the word fa*ry once] Reader fucking SNAPS.

|| 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ||

The five of us rode our bikes down the road to school, El on the back of Mike's bike as usual. She seemed eager to soak in everything around her like she would never see it again. Wind brushed the wig aside and she clung tightly to Mike.

Mike was beginning to slow down, the group of us all growing tired from the ride. Soon enough, however, we were walking through the back doors to the schools. Mike was in the lead as he turns to speak to us as we walked.

"Okay, remember, if anyone sees us, look sad."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

'He is still missing, isn't he?'

My thoughts were interrupted by the crackling of the speaker.

"Attention students, there will be an assembly to honor Will Byers in the gymnasium now. Do not go to fourth period."

I looked to the ceiling at the mention of my best friend and by the time I looked ahead, we had made it outside the AV room. Mike was attempting to open the door but it must be locked.

"It's locked." Mike confirmed.

"What?" Lucas asked.

"Hey, El, is there any way for you to open it?" I ask.

Before she could respond, we all jumped at the voice of Mr. Clarke and froze.

"Boys? Lady." He nodded towards El.

"Hey." Lucas breathed, obviously startled.

"Assembly's about to start."

"We know. We're just, you know..." Mike works a solemn look on his face as he spoke and the others seemed to join in, including me although it wasn't that difficult.

"Upset." Lucas nodded, dropping his nervous smile.

"Yeah, definitely upset," Dustin muttered.

I opened my mouth to speak, but thought better to say nothing at all and even looked down to the ground. Channeling all my emotions from just hours before.

"We need some alone time."

"To... cry." Dustin hesitated.

"Yeah, listen... I get it. I do. I know how hard this is, but let's just be there for Will, huh? And then," Mr. Clarke reached into his pocket and pulled out a key.

He tossed the key to Mike who caught it upon instinct.

"the Heathkit is all yours for the rest of the day. What do you say?"

We all looked to each other, wearing subtle triumphant smirks. It couldn't have been that easy, could it?

Mr. Clarke seemed to finally notice that he had no idea who El was.

"I don't believe we've met. What's your name?"

El seemed shocked and began to say 'Eleven' when Mike panicked and cut in.

"Eleanor! She's my, uh-"

"Cousin!" Lucas jumped in.

"Second cousin," Dustin added.

I started to laugh but caught myself just in time to play it off as a cough. I pretended to clear my throat as I looked to Mr. Clarke who was looking a bit confused.

"She's here for Will's funeral." Mike sighed.

Mr. Clarke seemed content with this answer as he shrugged and turned to her.

"Ah, well, welcome to Hawkins Middle, Eleanor. I wish you were here under better circumstances."

She looked to us and Mike, then turned to Mr. Clarke nodding her head. "Thank you."

A small smile fought its way into my face. She was doing great.

"Uh, where are you from exactly?"

El shook her head, sighing exasperatedly. "Bad place-"

"Sweden!" Dustin cuts in.

"I have a lot of Swedish family."

"She hates it there."

"Cold!"

"Subzero."

Meanwhile, I had fought back another laugh at the whole exchange and I had to play it off as a cough yet again.

"Are you alright, Mr. Henderson?"

My head snapped up, but luckily I was fairly quick on my feet this time.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. I woke up with a fever, haven't been feeling well all morning. But I insisted on coming. For Will." Mr. Clarke seemed satisfied with my answer and dismissed our odd behavior.

"Shall we?"

"Yep!" We all follow Mr. Clarke to the gymnasium in silence.

As we get closer, I can hear the principal speaking from inside.

"At times like these, it is important that we come together as a community. We come-"

Dustin swung open the gymnasium doors far too hard and the loud bang echoed throughout the gym that had drawn the attention of the crowd. I elbow Dustin. I feel him shifting on his feet beside me as panic sets in.

"Abort." He whispers, turning to leave.

Thankfully, Lucas stops him and shoved him forward.

"We come together to heal... we come together to grieve..."

As the principle continues his speech, the five of us wander into the bleachers to find a seat.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

"Will Byers' death is an unimaginable tragedy. Will was an exceptional student and a wonderful friend to all of us. It's impossible to express the hole his loss will leave in our community. I'd like to introduce you to Sandy Sloane. She's a local grief counselor from the church over in Jonesboro."

While the principal carried on, the five of us all looked to each other, all sharing the same thought.

'We need to get to that radio. And soon.'

"I just want those of you who are having trouble dealing with this tragic loss..."

"Look at these fakers." I heard Mike whisper.

"They probably didn't even know his name till today." Lucas scoffed.

My head whipped to the side when I heard hushed chuckling. I wasn't surprised to see Troy and his friend as the source of the laughter. I glared daggers into them and my hands gripped the edge of my seat until I was sure my knuckles would tear.

The boys and El seemed quick to follow my gaze because soon enough, we were all leaning over glaring at them.

"Who is interested in this? This is so stupid." He laughed.

I grit my teeth as my vision filled with red.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

"Y/n..." Lucas warned, reaching out for my arm. I wasn't paying attention, but for some reason, I felt his hand leave my arm almost as soon as he grabbed it.

"'Oh, he was such a great student. Oh, he's going to leave a hole in the community.'" Troy mocked, beginning to fake sob.

I began to shake with rage, wanting nothing more than to stand up and scream 'fu-'

"Y/n,"

"What?!" I hissed at Lucas, my head whipping around to face him, my jaw clenched.

I saw fear in his eyes as he glanced between my eye line and my hands. I looked down at my own hands to see the dangerously strong grip on the wood. I yanked my hands off the bench and rubbed my hands together, keeping to myself.

I was shocked to see the faintest imprint of the most vaguely shaped hand on the bench. It was hardly noticeable and I had to do a double take.

'What the hell?'

El was leaning over and she met my gaze. She briefly looked at my hands, seeming to dismiss whatever thoughts she had. Then looked to Troy.

"Mouth breather." She whispered.

I let out a strained chuckle and nodded.

"Yeah. Yeah, mouth breather." I whispered, looking back and Troy.

Eventually, the bell rang, dismissing the assembly. Even though Lucas and Dustin seemed to have let it go, Mike and I were not finished.

"Hey! Hey! Hey Troy." Mike called.

I could tell he could hear us because he barely slowed down but was clearly laughing. I stomped towards him and called him out, loud and clear.

"Hey, jackass!"

He stopped in his tracks and turned around. He seemed like he wanted to be mad, but almost like he was happy he got a rise out of us.

"You think that shit was funny?" My voice never wavered and the boys and El seemed just as shocked as I was feeling at my newfound courage.

"What'd you say, orphan?" He asked, dumbfounded.

He only called me that when he was really pissed at me.

"You heard me! And how many times do I have to tell you, I'm not an orphan if I was adopted, you dumbass! Now what the hell is in that tiny brain of yours that would compel you to laugh at someone dying, huh? I mean, shit, you must really be sick in the head. I feel sorry for you." I spit out my last few words, my voice dripping with malice.

By now I was in his face, finally letting out all the pent-up aggression I've harbored for years. And it felt good.

"Get the hell outta my face, freak!" He yells shoving me back.

I get ready to strike but Dustin grabs my arm before my fist can collide with Troy's face. I struggle to get free but my brother was determined to hold me back, with the help of Lucas of course.

"Control your 'brother', Toothless. Or he just might lose a few teeth of his own." He glares at me and I still attempt to break free.

Mike seems to have found his voice as all of this happened because he was the next to speak.

"H-Hey, he's right! Laughing like that? That's a pretty messed up thing to do."

Troy, glares at us as his minion speaks.

"Didn't you listen to the counselor, freaks? Grief shows itself in funny ways."

"You little shit-" I attempt once more to get a right hook in but Lucas stops me.

Troy laughs at me struggling.

"Besides, what's there to be sad about, anyway? Will's in fairyland now, right? Flying around with all the other little fairies. All happy and gay!"

Lucas loosened his grip on me, silently letting me go as Troy began dancing around, mocking Will.

I swung my fist and I felt it collide with his nose with a satisfying crack. He stumbled back and grasped his nose in surprise, he pulled his hand away to find a few drops of blood on his hands. The crowd that had gathered while all of this unfolded, gasped in surprise. I even earned some scattered cheers among the students.

I seemed to realize the consequences of my actions, but I was prepared to face them. It was worth it. I watched as he stormed towards me, blinded by fury.

"You're dead, freak!" He stomped towards me at a shocking speed and I stumbled back, bracing myself for the inevitable retaliation but it never came.

All I felt was a sudden pair of hands on my right arm, harshly pushing me out of the way. I looked in time to see it was Mike who pushed me out of the way. I gakwed in confusion at what happened next.

Troy had just begun to raise his arm as he was only inches from Mike when he froze.

He completely froze in place.

He seemed just as confused, if not more than anyone. That confusion quickly bubbled into fear as his eyes scanned the room as much as he could without moving his head.

It finally dawned on me and I spared a quick glance at El, who was laser-focused on Troy, head tilted down and the smallest hint of blood dripping from her nose. I smirked and looked back to Troy, a smug smile on my face.

I couldn't hold back the laughter as I saw his pants begin to dampen with urine. A stream of it began pooling at his leg, and it even soaked into his socks and shoes. Other students caught on quickly and one boy in particular, began laughing.

"Dude, Troy peed himself!"

The circle of kids erupted into laughter as Troy stood frozen in a puddle of his own pee. I turned to El, who wore a devilish smirk on her face as she glanced between Mike and me. She quickly wiped her nose and started walking away. The boys and I enjoyed this brief moment of bliss.

"Hey! What is going on here?" The principle shouted.

"Come on!" I whisper, gesturing for the boys who all had the same idea. Before people could start asking questions we grouped together and made our way to the AV room unnoticed.