#(all this is in context with irl family btw. friends in phone ilysm this doesnt apply to u <3)< /div>
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i want sooooo badly to lash out and pull away from everyone but the god damn people pleaser in me .
#sorry to make two personal posts in as many hours but man .#i dont want to go to the family gathering. i dont want to talk to people. i dont want to celebrate holidays.#i dont want to do ANY of this i want to be left alone. smfhhhhhhhhhhhh.#(all this is in context with irl family btw. friends in phone ilysm this doesnt apply to u <3)#like i get that we're all grieving together or whatever. but i want to stop being civil about it.#everyone in my family is very religious and theyre using god and church to cope with this. as people do.#but im NOT religious im in fact the only one in the entire family who's NOT religious and i am not comforted by any of that.#''we need to be grateful for this trial that jesus has given us'' ok well what if i set something on fire.#i just. want to fight someone. bloody fists blood in my mouth kinda fight.#none of this ''good christian sadness'' shit i want to fucking fight someone. biting and clawing like a wild animal because i feel like one#et cetera.#this is senseless and meaningless don't mind me i just donnnnt wanna go to the family gatherings <//3#its like. everyone's SO determined to pretend like everything's fine and normal. carrying on with things like every other year.#and i get that theyre trying to deal with this shit but things are NOT normal. they will in fact never again be normal.#idk. i need to punch someone. i need someone to punch me. and then i need to be alone by myself for 300 years.#winter speaks#personal
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