rayelishuman

[rayelishuman]

print("hello world") // some last words

it was your first relationship, and i should've known better than thinking you were "the one"; we are still so young, and there is still so much to learn about life and who you choose to share it with. we used to love each other, i think. it was so puppy love-esque, and i enjoyed it while it lasted. those were the days we followed each other into every room the other entered, held hands for every street we crossed. we kissed in every empty room and for every bad day i had, you were there to rub circles into my hand and tell me the things i wanted to hear. i pushed you towards the world, and you pushed me towards the stars; you were, perhaps, everything i had ever wanted for that brief, 2-month period we were an item. there was never a moment where i doubted what i felt.

now that it is gone, i have given myself 30 days to grieve. someone once said that grief was just love without a place to go, and i feel the love i have for you leaking out of me for every second i remember to miss you. for each day i choose to wallow in my sadness, i am drowning in the thoughts of what could've been. and no— do not mistake this sadness as me wanting you to come back. on the contrary, i know what we were and i know where we'd go. i know what we're capable of together and i know now that i would never be satisfied in settling for that.

but you were nice to hold while you were mine, and it is so easy to slip back into old habits: you. i wonder if relapsing feels like stealing chocolates from my parents' room to give to you, but remembering too late that we are over. that i will meet someone from your hometown, and i'll open up our messages so i could ask you only for me to realize that we are no longer together. for every flash of black and yellow, or that sanrio character you liked so much, it hurts and the pain is unreachable. before, when i missed you, all i had to do was tell you and you would be there. but now, i am forced to fill that void with other vices, other people. when i crawl into a conversation with someone new, i look for shrapnel of you and i bleed all over again.

yet if there is anything i do not want back, it's you. not you, again. you have changed me beyond recognition and i no longer know myself; give me time to. i can't pinpoint the exact moment you stopped loving me, but i remember you got complacent. you figured my stupid little heart out and how it only wanted you and whatever you had to offer. when you had something to say about us, you could say it to everyone except me. you kept getting lost but expected me to keep finding you, every single time. and i did, but it was so tiring; the idea horrified me, honestly. the fact that loving you became a burden, a chore. but you didn't love me the same anymore, and i wasn't the only person who saw that.

i ended it because you couldn't. don't say i never cared about you when my pen bleeds for you every hour i do not see you reaching out. but that's the problem, see? you didn't bother chasing after what you lost. i served as a lesson to you; to not wait until people are gone to fully appreciate their worth.