#like i feel like im doing things i wasnt able to before
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⠀sweetest puppy ⠀⠀﹒⠀ s.r x reader
this piece of work includes : smut, bdsm elements if you squint, sub!spencer, gn! afab reader (mentions of spencer eating reader out), no Y/N, unprotected p in v sex (wrap it before you tap it), p in v, riding, blow jobs, cunilingus, slight somnophilia(?), pre established relationships, pre established safewords, pup hybrid spencer; golden shepherd to be more specific.
originally requested by : @kameowwww on the #sub!spencer reid tag, and then by an anon on here :3
summary : spencer is needy, more now than ever as his rut is starting, and the only thing to satisfy his desire is his pretty owner.
wc: 3.7k
Spencer reid was needy, that was a known fact about him; even included in his files at work. Right now however the need in his gut, and his cock, where achingly painful, so much that he found himself at home waiting for his owner to wakeup while lay next to you with his hand around his cock.
He knew that jerking off while looking at you, while you were asleep no less, was wrong and that he was basically a voyeur. But it felt so good; the prospect of getting caught, and the pleasure of finally being able to touch his cock after such a long day at work.
Then he felt you shift, it made him stop in his tracks; hand still in a fist around his aching cock and precum dripping down into a pool on his hand; he gasps softly at you stirring, being too nervous and turned on to try and hide.
“spencer..?” you mutter, sleep clouding your mind; you could hear him whimpering and thats what woke you.
“i- uh, yesss..?” he trembles, his body shakes more when you turn around to look at him, his ears spiking up and his tail as still as a painting.
“what’re you doing, puppy?” the one question spencer begged in his mind that you wouldn’t ask him, but here you were, doing exactly that.
“n-nothing! i was- uhm-“ he couldn’t finish his sentence as your lips crash against his, he whimpers a sound out before his eyes flutter closed and his lips start to move against yours, his slender hand, the one that wasnt still around his cock, gently tracing its way down your jawline.
“are you in a rut, spence..?” you ask, pulling back from the kiss; he nods and you giggle, slowly reaching your hands down to tug off your panties, smiling at him still.
“y-yes.. i am; aand- you looked so pretty, owner.. just couldn’t hold m’self back..” he mumbles shamefully but then his eyes dart down to your hands pulling off your panties.
“wner what’re you- you doin- ahh~!” and thats when he feels it, your pussy on the head of his aching, throbbing and red cock; the wetness and warmth of you around him is almost too much.
He starts to squirm, his hands reaching for everywhere on your body, long slender fingers tracing your waist, and your figure. Like a kid in a candy store, his tail goes wild, wagging and thumping against the mattress.
When you push yourself further down on his cock, he swears he sees every god he doesn’t even believe in. That’s when he feels you all the way down on him, and he starts to squirm even more.
“ah ah ah.. stay still, puppy.. you touched yourself to me while i was asleep, you know good puppy’s don’t do that.” the way your voice carries makes spencer comply to your every wish.
“oh~! yesss- yes oowner.. i’ll take thiss” he starts to babble, tears pricking his pretty eyes as he stares at you, hands reaching for your face needily.
You start to move yourself on his cock, he gasps and tries not to squirm, oh he tries so so hard but the way your pussy sounds around him, the way you sound when his cock hits the good spots inside of you makes him feral.
He starts to bark and whimper, his hands darting to your ass, squeezing it like a chew toy, he moans louder than he thinks he ever has; his cock leaks more.
“please- please im gonna cum! i’ve been so good- ii- i’ve been a ggood puppy- please let me cum, ownerr, pleaseee!” he babbles as he feels his cock twitch inside of you.
“no puppy.. you know you don’t get to cum, especially when you touched yourself to me while i was asleep” god you’re so cruel, he thinks, he looks up at you desperately, trying to beg his way out of this punishment.
“those eyes, are cute as they are when you give me them, they aren’t going to work.” thats when the thought that devil, if she exists, has soldified herself into his lovely owner, you would’ve let him cum by now if it was any normal day.
authors note : part 2 is gonna cum ;) soon my lovelies, this is all my brain is gonna allow me to write right now, but thankyou to kami and the lovely anon who suggested this!!
#puppy spencer reid#spencer reid x reader#sub!spencer reid#sub!character#dom!reader#spencer reid#spencer reid smut#smut#puppyboy#dumb puppy#puppy sub#criminal minds#criminal minds smut#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds x you
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caldre smut fic
includes spanking, praise, degradation, daddy kink, andre being overly worried, etc.
note: this came from a post and then my boyfriend found the full video, so i decided to write this….enjoy your slop/j
calvin was situated over andres lap while he sat on his bed, jeans pulled down to his knees to show his grey boxers.
cal had wanted to try something different this time around, but andre was hesitant.
it was weird to put it simply and he didnt want to hurt his boyfriend. although, theyve done a lot worse - even before they established they were dating.
so, nonetheless he still tries.
“just do it, ‘dre. itll be fine,” cal reassures him, looking back at him “im *asking* you to do it, arent i?”
andre slowly nodded “well, yeah, but i dont want to - you know, hurt you.”
the blonde smiled, enjoying all of the others worry and care “thats the point though, andre. its supposed to hurt.”
hes not wrong, it was supposed to hurt. he just didnt want to get too carried away and hurt him *too* badly.
calvin seems to know what hes thinking, so he adds “i trust you. i know you wont make it too bad.”
with that andre lets out a sigh, flexing his hands to let his knuckles crack “if it hurts too bad youll tell me, yeah?”
calvin quickly nodded, too eager to worry about that sort of thing. he liked how much andre cared, but sometimes it would get in the way of things.
however, the brunette finally gets on with it, trusting that cal will tell him if it becomes too much for him.
andre lays his hand flat over calvins ass, lifting it before bringing it right back down. it wasnt anything too hard at first, but it wasnt too soft either.
cal lets out a short squeak, burying his face into the bedsheets. it felt good although it wasnt exactly the roughness he was looking for.
he brings his hand up again and then back down, taking note of the way the others body seemed to jolt.
he does it a third time and then a forth, now being able to feel cals erection hard against his thigh.
“do it - a little harder, please, andre.” he begged, voice muffled from the bed sheets. he *needed* it to be as hard and rough as possible.
andre hesitated again though, but ultimately obliged - he brought his hand down harder this time which pulls a whiny moan out of his boyfriend.
“was that alright?” he asked, wanting to make sure he was doing it how he wanted him to.
“yeah - god, yeah, ‘dre. keep doing it like that *please.*” his eagerness and begging seemed to take a toll on him. it was always one of the things that got to him.
andre hits him even harder, reveling in the cry he gets in return. its beautiful, really, he thought all the noises cal made were gorgeous.
he gets ready to do it again, but is interrupted by feeling the other grind down against his thigh. it makes his breath hitch and he gets an idea - an idea he has no clue if calvin will like or not, but he does it anyway.
andre slams down his hand twice as hard, getting an even louder cry from cal “dont fucking grind against me unless i tell you otherwise, alright?”
the blonde is ecstatic as soon as he says that - he loves when andre is dominant and can use his naturally commanding tone for something like this.
“yeah - yes, sir - daddy, ah, fuck,” it comes out in a string of nonsense, but hes able to catch onto what he says and it makes his erection strain against his pants.
he doesnt reply though and just lays another slap down, listening to the moaning and whining.
he decides though that he wants to change this up a little bit.
he takes a moment to pull down calvins grey boxers, exposing him fully now. he doesnt seem to mind it - only letting out a whimper from the lack of touch.
andre gives him what he wants again though, flattening out his hand once more and hitting him.
it hurts more now without the barrier and cal lets it show, pressing his hips down as if to move away from the other.
the brunette takes notice and lays down an even harsher hit “i thought you wanted this, calvin? did you change your mind?”
cal cant get over the way he says his name, whimpering again as he shook his head, but that wasnt good enough. he lets out a yelp as hes hit once again.
“yeah - i do, i want it, sir,” it comes out, almost stuttery “please - im sorry.”
andre hummed, letting his hand rest over his ass as he rubbed at the mark already starting to form “tell me how much you want it, cal.”
the blonde swallowed hard, but does his best to answer “so, so bad, ‘dre. i - i wanna feel your hands on me,” he yelped as he was cut off by another slap, but he continued “please, daddy - shit, it feels so good.”
andre wasnt sure if he was dreaming or not. this was too good to be true and he couldnt get enough of it.
he then grabbed a fistful of his silky blonde hair, yanking his head up to look at him.
there were *tears* streaking down his face and there was spit covering his mouth and chin.
he hadnt even realized he started crying and he wants to ask if hes okay - if this was getting to be too much for him, but his boyfriend already knew what he was going to say, so he gives him a short, subtle nod for him to continue.
thats all he needed.
“are you sure thats what you want?,” he questioned, yanking his head back a little further “you want me to keep hurting you like youre some *slut?*”
the blonde nodded eagerly, sniffling “please, please daddy. i need it so fucking bad - you have no idea.”
he lets go of his hair and gets ready to continue, but the other is confused when he doesnt get right back to it.
however, his confusion turns to excitement when he hears andre unbuckling his belt and sliding it out of the loops on his pants.
andre holds both ends and doesnt hesitate to smack it right down against him, hearing the string of sounds and sobs it earns.
he does it again and again - continuing to do it over and over again while he watched the area turn a pretty shade of pink and red.
it was beautiful. he thought calvin looked like an angel no matter what they were doing - even if it something as dirty as this.
“oh, oh ‘dre,” he moaned, digging his nails into the bed sheets “you gotta let - let me do it, daddy. oh, you have to.” its obvious what he means and he figured it wouldnt hurt to let him.
“only if you can behave - dont hump me like some damn dog.” before he can even finish his sentence, he was already grinding down against him like earlier. it felt good to finally relieve the pain.
at this point the blonde was panting like a dog, grinding down against andres thigh so hard that his jeans were starting to irritate his cock, but he makes no effort to stop him.
“oh, fuck, fuck - you, you gotta let me cum, daddy, please-“ it comes out in a sob - so desperate and needy to get himself off no matter what.
andre doesnt have a reason not to let him, so he agreed “yeah, go ahead, cal.” he says it all soft, contrasting from his earlier tone.
calvin takes that and grinds his hips down just about as hard as he could while andre takes the opportunity to lay another hit or two on him.
it was only a moment later that he was cumming all over his thigh with a high pitched moan - moaning andres name as loud as he could, just for him to hear.
its music to his ears, he thinks. all of this was perfect.
calvin is exhausted by the time hes finished, letting himself lay on andres lap while he comes down from his high.
the brunette sets the belt down and placed his hand back over the marks, rubbing over them gently again “that was really good.” he says it, sounding embarrassed for even being into it.
calvin lets out a breathless laugh, finding it cute how embarrassed he seemed to be.
he managed to sit up after a moment, trying to get over the stinging pain in his body “you did good too, ‘dre. youre the best at this,” he compliments him, leaning in to give him a quick kiss before pulling away “im so lucky to have you.”
the contrast between his words and what they did was amusing, but andre didnt care. he just smiled as his face warmed up.
although before he can comment, cals already looking down at his pants.
“oh, andre, your pants,” he tries to hold back his laughter “youre too easy.”
he gives him a confused look, but when he looks down he becomes about a hundred times more embarrassed. there was a wet spot right over his front, obviously from cumming himself.
“goddamnit,” he hissed under his breath “ruined my damn jeans.”
“they were already ruined anyway,” he gestured to the more obvious white spot that was from cal rather then himself “you can just borrow mine, i dont care.”
cal could say he was lucky all he wanted, but at the end of the day andre was even luckier then him.
“thanks, man,” he sighed “do you need me to do anything for you? you know - because…” he was still worried he had hurt him too much, but his boyfriend was quick to reassure him again.
“im fine, andre. dont worry so much,” he smiled as he wiped away the remaining tears in his eyes, face now tacky and dry “you did great.”
he finds it hard to believe him, but he forces himself to anyway.
“im allowed to worry, cal. youre my - uh, shit…” his voice trails off, not being able to say the word. it was all still so new so he didnt want to mess up and say the wrong thing.
“just because im your *boyfriend* now doesnt change anything,” he says it for him “im still the same person.”
he placed his hand on the side of his face, kissing him again. the other quickly reciprocated and leaned into it.
“i love you, ‘dre.”
“i love you too, cal.”
#tcc fandom#tcc tumblr#tccblr#tcctwt#tee cee cee#tccblur#teeceecee#anoufrievboy fanfics#caldre#calvin gabriel#cal gabriel#andre kriegman#zero day 2003#zero day
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angry that my new meds actually work
#idk how to explain something just feels different#like i feel like im doing things i wasnt able to before#its not like im paying 100% attention to classes but something about it feels like im able to control my brain better#it kinda pisses me off that i lived without this for years#but these new ones are expensive so i take them sporadically#god i domt know somehow i just feel more aware#of everything#the passing of time especially
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man the thing about beauty standards and being ugly and being pretty and being insecure is that ultimately you do just kinda have to Decide that youre pretty. like ultimately thats how you become pretty, or hot, or sexy. you have to just Decide that you Are. you have to recognize that its made up, its arbitrary, its subjective, and that people might disagree with you about it, and as much as you are able, you need to completely and utterly disregard their opinions on your appearance, and decide that youre pretty now. and THEN.
you need to find beauty in "ugly". you need to recognize that ugly is made up, that its arbitrary, that its subjective, and you need to be able to find the beauty in it all. and this means you cant bodyshame people. you cant body shame shitty celebs or politicians. you need to base your criticisms on the substance of their character and misdeeds and unhinged horrific opinions and not give a shit about what they look like. you cant go calling people ugly for being shitty. you cant go calling people ugly for looking A Way You Dont Like.
and then if you wanna really galaxy brain this shit you start using ugly as endearment. OBVIOUSLY do not fucking call other human beings ugly. that shit is far too loaded, its just Rude. Dont call specific features of people or even characters ugly cos thats also too loaded. as a term it has baggage. but you can see the ugly in tacky, loud, garish clothing, and it can be Good. you can see the ugly in a distinctive, horrible tiny car from the 90s, and it can be good. you can see the ugly in animals that have evolved to look the way they do, without a single thought of what humans find appealing. you can see the beauty and the freedom in "Ugliness". you can break out of this shit altogether and feel nothing but disdain for anyone who stoops to insulting your appearance if they disagree with you about shit. you can get completely out of the cave of these beauty standards. you can find it so freeing to revel.in letting yourself be ugly. in recognizing that the way you look and exist might be ugly to some people, and youre out of the cave enough to simply recognize. thats just your opinion and it doesnt matter. didnt ask.
you can look at ppl arguing about the correct amount of skincare products to use daily, the Correct Amount of makeup, and whether or not its radical to conform to beauty standards or defy them and argue about is it really conforming if visible makeup pisses men off, and you can say, well I dont care about any of that, I recognize the societal pressures of flawless skin and all that but you see,
I just want to look like a silly little clown :o3
#toy txt post#i wasnt gonna end this on that silly note. but then i had to#ugly#pretty#beauty standards#not saying its easy. not saying you have to do this#but like if youre tired of feeling insecure about your face your fashion. you gotta just figure out what you like and lean in#and you gotra recognize this shit is made up and subjective and arbitrary and you shouldnt be doing it for anyone else ever#i used to be insecure about a few features of mine that i feared made me Ugly. and then i Decided to try to find it pretty.#it sounds so stupid and made up but like literally i just. Decided. im pretty now. this is pretty. this shit is made up. why am i listening#to you. you dont know shit. im pretty now. AND THEN i decided. actually. im ugly on purpose now but not in a way that has much to do with#my actual appearance so much as my complete disregard for your opinion on my appearance. you gotta do it for you. you gotta dress for#yourself#ANYWAY#before anyone comes in with how beauty standards are often externally enforced via peer and social pressure:#yea bud im a human being on planet earth. im aware. thats why i said: as much as you are able. i recognize i have a number of privileges in#this regard that not everyone does. the way im given more space and freedom to dress like a little freak as a thin white person etc#but like i still had and have societal pressure to shave my legs and underarms to conform. theres societal and peer pressure to wear makeup#and i just. dont. the legs thing is less noticeable tho ill admit cos i also Hate Shorts but thats a whole complicated can of worms#which also involves i am not exposing myself to ticks like that are u insane#anyway. yea. the other magical thing about this philosophy of mine is that you also just dont have to. like you can just Ignore Me.#you can keep doing what youre doing and thats fine too#but genuinely if you struggle with insecurity about appearance you gotta just. this is the fake it til u make it shit#i decided im pretty now and it got easier to take selfies bc i was pretty then#doing art and exploring different faces for ocs and making them look different from the conventional beauty standards. also helped#and like dont get me wrong theres still shit im vain about appearance wise that doesnt matter. i still like to style my hair before i leave#the house etc. im still looking in the cave sometimes#but perhaps one day i will be as blissfully uncaring about ppls perception of me as a fuckin goby#anyway. anyway anyway anyway#if you do this things get so much easier. but you dont have to. i have no power over you
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abt to say smthng deranged
but ive reverted to accepting my fate here especially since im really really lazy and stupid and just want to draw but the only sharp thing still poking at my sides is wanting to transition and how I know as soon as my birthday rolls around I'll wish I had done anything to get out and start that, while sobbing hysterically over how the years just keep passing me by in that regard. 14 years. 15 years. And many many more.
But at the same time its like. I wouldnt want to claw my way out solely to transition (which at this point would be the sole positive thing about leaving). Because whats the point. I want to be transitioned before I really look for or accept love, yes, but moving out and doing so wouldn't lead to that I dont think. Id be living the same life im living here, but Worse and more exhausting. So i also dont see the worth in fighting to do it.
I feel those 2 views are at odds, but, like, its never enough to do things just for myself even if I really need it. It always has to be in relation to someone else. There would not be a someone else so why bother. Im not finding love while I live here so it doesn't Really matter if i cant do it, but this wouldnt change if i left so why would I fight for it. Why be the true version of me if I have nobody to share Me with (especially considering it will ostracize me from most everyone else I love.) I dont know
#i feel this doesnt make sense but idk#its like how i would not have gotten a car at all if it wasnt for Someone i wanted to be able to drive around#if they visited#its the same here. i feel so incomplete without transition and my life cant begin without it#if anyone took interest in me now it would feel hollow until i was actually myself#but nobody is taking interest Now#and if i moved out solely to transition its not like changing locations would suddenly change anything.#so why bother. why do it. its going to be the same anyway#why make my life harder for no reason#why decorate a place you'll always have to leave why deep clean a home nobody will ever visit but You.#theres no point if its just You.#thsi also extends to a lot of things like how i want to paint but cant unless its for someone else#ill draw a billion characters Standing There for a friend before i do 1 for myself bc i dont see the point or Worth#delete later#it was a horrendous experience overall but id never been more motivated to do something than when i had a ''partner''...#nothing made me more willing to turn my entire life around. ill go back to school and study some miserable shit that#will make me rich so I can spend it on You and make You happy. i would not do this for myself.#im not doing anything for myself right now. no use in doing anything for that guy he doesnt deserve it
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As aforementioned, please take my Leyendecker type Nando bcs that recent Boss pic has brainrotted me
+ ref:
#wish i could be even half the illustratator Leyendecker was 🤧🤧#i wasnt trying too hard to copy his style but i felt myslef subconsciously imitating some stuff#i feel like i always go look to his art for ref so it was nice to directly draw smth!!!#Nando's fitted waist 😵💫😵💫😵💫 reminded me so much of early 20th century clothes#so i HAD TO bcs my god#i don't think ill be able to get over that pic#as i said before can they make him do a shoot with full suits????#i love the mix of race suits and dressy clothing but god...imagine him in a full suit#and they should also add in the flowers from the gq shoot god....#okay anyways jfc its almost 8 am why do i do these things 😭#i think this took me about 5 hours ah....#well im very happy w it :)#i never draw masc men so i think i did pretty okay with this????#maybe now i will feel confidence enough for the 007 au haha#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#f1 art#formula 1 art#catie.art.#*OH ALSO did you notice i gave him his fluffy hair back???#^ i think thats eveyrone's only complaint w the boss pics. no fluffy :(
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previous post continued sorry i need to vent
#he straight up just said i seemed so sad sometimes and that he was worried abt me and that i got all dressed up only to go home n that it#wasnt nice. i.e i got changed before they left for bar at friend’s accom#it was. kind of surreal?#was it noticeable?#has it always been noticeable? ive been so much worse in fromt of more people. CLOSER people. and theyve never ever said anyrhing#he even made me say goodbye even tho i literally never ever do#^irish goodbye number1 fan(they dont notice im gone anyway )#hm.#and since i think he likes me#and the others were making jokes. im worried he might get a little heartbroken and we not be friends anymore#my boyfriend is. online. i wont lie#i hate it. i hate online dating sm but i like Him like my bf#but. i just. i cant fully. like. he cant see me he Doesnt see me. its just so so hard to properly#snd even! i canr really talk to him properly 1 on 1 bc my houses walls are so thinLOL.#so im just in this limbo where. i want all the things dating someonein the REAL could provide but cant#and now someone might actually want all that w me and Know what i look like and Still like me. it feels#bad.#it feels bad.#i should talk more to the bf about it because genuinely its been really upsetting me. i have said it to him but maybe i shoukd bring it up#again. i just keep burying down thes efeelings but they keep coming back up#^of not being able do things#its just.#ugh.#i hate myself so much.#every part
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pont pont vesszőcske
#this year just feels weird. im selfishly not saying ~rawr so awful or tragic#because there are things ive achieved this year that im proud of and that were long due#im so happy i did that masters course and im so glad i landed a job that pays well even though its torture on my nerveous system#my mind is forever free from academic guilt and pressure#and i can afford things that nourish my soul and body when they werent accessible before#so this is the firm acknowledgment of the fact that im lucky and have an objectively good life#part of which i was given and nice parts i actually worked my ass off for#and for the first time in my life im at a stage where its all … freestyle?? lmao like ok girl you did the things now find new things to do#and theres none hehehe just human connections that are harder to build than a cv or a thesis defense and doesnt only depend#on the effort i put in#but also on how the stars and planets are moving or idk#plus i just remembered how my sister told me that the reason why i kept procrastinating on my diploma was bc it was an excuse to not grow u#and now the universe is kicking my ass all year to make me realize that i need to change and grow and build a life i could settle in#because this bitch!!!! took 3 of my 4 closest friends and made them move countries and get married or in one case just simply get over me#and not to make everything about me but its how humans work okay so ofc im internalizing a lot of other tragedies as new signs#from the universe screaming at me#to get away from the parasocial bonds that give me so much joy but also affect me too much#like LAUGH AT ME all you want but ive been wanting to see ts live since 2009#and the only thing that kept me up in exam season at 4am was me and my friend sending outfit inspos to each other#like its silly i know but when that show got cancelled and i was hysterical i kneew the lesson was to grow up and stop investing so much#into lovely but also relatively short moments of my life#because i should be able to#look forward to other things after graduating than the eras tour but i WASNT okay#and i dont have to elaborate on how liam’s passing has been affecting me/us so i wont#but fuck that was a cruel reminder - to make things about me again- that though i can talk about this with friends on my phone#until my retina burns out or melts or idk what retinas do#i still dont have ANYONE in my phsyical proximity who would understand this pain and thats partially on me#and then my 85+yr old grandma got covid AGAIN for the 3rd time and my god she got better but in case i forgot she wont be with me forever#and i reached the tag limit so thats it anyway weird year very weird dont know what it wants from me#to the void
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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.
The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.
Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.
In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.
And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.
I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.
But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.
His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.
It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.
I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)
It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.
And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".
He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.
So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.
He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.
I love him. I miss him already.
#speculation nation#negative/#this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me.#getting the thoughts out. processing. the works.#nearly cried several times just from writing this.#...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy.#things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different.#feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever#all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories.#but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly.#it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him#we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit.#but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits#(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.)#as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education.#and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'.#the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door#and freezers in the drawers.#maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted#but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more.#ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It.#everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her.#and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad.#(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.)#it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father.#i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.
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I was planning to build new desktop this fall, but seeing that the winter half year practically chains me to bed making me incapable of sitting up I took some of my savings to get a laptop so I can have it in bed for drawing, writing etc at least. And so I'll save back up the coming months and build it once spring arrives instead (hopefully component prices has gone down then too)
All that to say I can only eat my hands as I catch glimpses of dawntrail news after having been ffxiv-less since july last year. my abstinence is out the roof
#that being said i am admittedly a little bit nervous about returning now that its been so long#i played without break from 2014 til 2020 and then its been on an off between 2020 and 2022#and then since then i havent had the means to play#like on one hand i dont dare looking too much into ffxiv happenings cause my abstinence grows worse#and on the other i worry that ill feel weird coming back#because returning from past breaks have felt weird#which admittedly might be because i dont allow myself to take my time and enjoy things but rather rush to catch up#but whenever i can play im just gonna take all effort possible to not rush and potentially even do things on my own#rather than feel stressed by not slowing down others#im glad for the increased single player options tbh#at the same time the break has done me good cause i feel like im further away from making those mistakes#and having a lot to catch up with before being up to date might be good for me#finding hobbies outside ffxiv has done me good too#my relationship to it wasnt the healthiest as it was my sole lifeline during horrific and traumatic years#but now ive been able to play tons of other games again and read books and draw more and write more than ever#and done more irl things again even finishing one type of education#so honestly? i think itll be fine#i dont have to feel bad over my relationship with the game evolving into a different form#i still love it immensely and its had a profound impact on my life as a whole#both in terms of friends and creativity and also significant other#anyway that got longer and rantier and more personal than i first intended#peace signs and sparkles
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My toofy woofy hurts. My teethy weethy are in pain I'm getting so sick of eating on one side of my mouth I need this supposed infection to please fucking leave my mouth. All I'm eating is rice and bananas right now I want some fucking protein I haven't been able to eat proper since 9/10 or 9/11 I can barely brush my teeth this feels like a root canal that didnt take the moment I got it done and it's not at all making me.confident for the other one I'm scheduled for because it seems like my tooth pain is never going away andnif the other root canal is on the other side of my mouth I'm just straight uo fucked like what will I do because i had a banana i was eating touch that tooth again last night by accident and it hurt so fuckinf bad. I didn't even bite down!! I can't do this anymore
#like I'm trying to be silly funny lol about it but this is affecting my day to day life i keep grabbing the counter when i brush because th#e tooth is so sensitive. i thought there wasnt supposed to be nerves left TO feel after a root canal. man.#ive heard pulling a tooth hurts more but its looking like a valid fucking option right about now.#i know it affects more.of your teeth doing that and can cause them to shift which is a thing my already small overcrowded mouth doesn't need#and it'd probably make me need dentures or something else even quicker (lol!) but man. im not fuckinf strong enough to do this.#ive never jad this level of tooth sensitivity until after this root canal. what did you guys fucking do to my tooth#elias howls#and when i tried telling the Dentist abt it I was brushed off like no!!! i dont think this is normal i wasnt numbed when i bit down on th#e plastic before.#i go in more cavities soon like 4 days and i know im still not gonna be able to have anything even TOUCH that tooth without pain and im#gonna tell them again and tell them its fucking ruining my life bc it is#~2 more days of antibiotics and then those stay in my system for an extra 4 days. both my top and bottom jaw are still sore days later lol!#top from root canal done ages ago now and my bottom from the ''emergancy'' visit i did on my birthday#**** ** **** ** *** * ****** ****** lol
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...
#i experience an emense amount of guilt ovet not being able to focus on work. go into the lab and run into a lab mate and hes like#u leave Thursday? why tf r u here? and that makes me feel a lil better lol#ive just being data entering all day. that takes so fucking long. and then helping an undergrad#exept my code was out of date so i was like welp i can only get u this far bc i did not write this code. i do not work with the#supercomputer on a regular enough basis. and i gave my 30 days notice today so ill be working remotely until the 18th#i probably should have done it way before but like ive still got so much to do i might as well get paid for doing it#the undergrad was like id probably work to the end bc i feel lost when im not working and i was like. bro. im so fucking brunt out that ppl#around me r like yo r u ok? theres a thing as too much work. dont cross that line. snd ill still probably work to the end bc i dont wanna#have to do it on top of other shit. but god. in a few days i never have to go back in that building again#sometimes having to be in that lab would make me feel physically ill i thibk just bc i have so much stress associated with standing at that#lab bench but woof i will not miss it. its not great. the ppl r nice but like the institution kinda sucks. but i probably#wasnt the best fit for the school. i only cane out here for my advisor and on that front i have no regrets#god im so tired tho. just make it Thursday already so my parents can b helping me move >~< lets fucking goooooo#srry for not posting much drawing wise. i prob wont b able to for a while as i transition across the country lol#also. a note to myself. i should get a proper sketchbook so i can actually draw out ideas and store them in a place. that would b convenient#god. its so hot 😖 let me leave#unrelated
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11 & 19 for the ask game ❤
ask game :)
11 has already been answered here
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19. "Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?":
Short answer:
From the time I could vaguely write I was writing "books" (or as much of a book a child that young can make)
I entered my first writing contest when I was 9 or 10 and I got 5th place in my school
A year later I started my first major wip that got me invested into writing as a hobby
A year after that I started another wip that most of my current wips are branches off of and also started posting bits and pieces on wattpad
When I was 14 I had my writing skills tested for early college admission and scored in the top 5 percent in my state (still very proud of this)
Entered and won a couple writing competitions besides that stopped writnig
Then a couple years later I started writing fanfiction
Currently pondering working towards actually publishing some books one day.
Long answer under the cut :)
I remember making "books" since I could write. Like I would staple paper together and I remember one specifically that had something to do with sea horses but i dont remember the plot.
My mom has boxes filled of these "books" with all of the words and even my name misspelled and poorly illustrated characters and stuff.
When I was in like 4th grade (9-10 years old) my teacher had an assignment to where we made up a story and applied whatever type of literary technique we were learning about that week to it. So like if we were learning about similes the assignment would be come up with 5 sentences that include similes that pertain to your story and include one or something like that. At the end of the year we were supposed to have 4-5 pages of this story. I think I finished with like 10-12 or something like that. She made me summarize it 💀
If I remember right I think that my story was about this set of twins where one was born with some type of super power that only the other twin knew about and the superpowered twin got kidnapped by some scientists that wanted to expirement on her and my story followed the other twin and this like 12 year old girl dedicating her teenagehood to finding the lost twin. I think I made it so the dad actually ended up hiring the kidnapper and the dad and kidnapper both got arrested. I want to find this again because I dont remember a lot about it.
That same year my teacher ended up having me enter a poetry contest and I think it was a tri-county thing. I didn;t like poetry (I still hate writing it, love reading it though) so I half assed it and I think I got within the top 5 (??) of my school. (just elementary school) so that was neat.
(This specific teacher was one of those really strict teachers that no one else liked but my little undiagnosed autistic self LOVED her because i always knew what to expect yk?? but is also the one who really got me into reading and writing and stuff and I dont think I'll ever not me extremely grateful for her)
The next year I started forming this one wip. Its definetly my longest and most elaborate and sentimental one because it opened so many different doors for me.
There was no plot but it pretty much followed this group of like 20 teenagers that had very different lives and were all really traumatized and during the "story" they're all like 15-18 trying to figure out how to move on from their childhoods and maintain healthy relationships with eachother and their individual support systems.
Some of them are neurodivergent and some of their stories are centered around that.
One of the characters name is Jack. Jack is bipolar and so is his mom and so because of his moms mental illnesses and stuff he was in and out of fostercare from like 5-13. Hes probably the 'main' character in this.
Hes also went deaf from a tmi from when he was like 9.
Then theres Allison who is autistic and she is your stereotypical 'gifted kid burnout' 'graduated at like 15' type of autistic. but this leads to a lot of issues with her and her main thing is kind of working through that.
Travis comes from a VERY religious (almost cultish) family and is develops schizophrenia at like 16 I think and he's also pansexual and his parents go through his phone and find some texts from his partner and kick him out so hes homeless and has to deal with that.
But like I said theres like 17 more of these characters and its very elaborate. It goes into the parents childhoods and deals with generational trauma and how mental illness can affect parenting.
The 'story' mostly follows Jack and Allison (theyre love interests) and everything is kind of through their pov and their relationships with the other characters and stuff.
But like 11 year old me started writing this out in composition books and between then and when I turned 15 ish and got a computer, I filled I think close to 30 composition books with this story.
But I started researching mental disorders and stuff for this story so I could make their stuff as realistic as possible and that kickstarted my spin on psychology, which led to me wanting to be a social worker which is my major. It also meant that I was really ahead in also my psyche classes. Im *technically* going into my 5th year of college and I started taking psyche classes my second year and I didnt start getting into stuff that I didn't know until the year that just ended so 11 year old me really knew what she was doing.
I remember making my mom buy me textbooks and those articles that are behind a paywall for birthdays and Christmas's
I'm getting off track
A year or two after that I started developing this other wip with kids with superpowers and there was a whole lot of worldbuilding and stuff to this one and its what got me into fantasy which is the main genre I write outside of fanfic. (my hecles wip is loosely based on this one)
(part of this one is on wattpad somewhere)
When I was 14 I took a test that determined whether or not I would be able to start college early and part of this test was writing skills. There was a fiction and a nonfiction portion and then they combined those two scores and averaged them out and my score was in the 95th percentile (top 5 percent) of everyone who takes the test (so on average like 17-19 year olds usually and then some outliers) so I see that as one of my biggest writing achievments.
(i scored shit on the math and reading comprehension portions though)
I stopped writing and stuff for like two years besides entering writing contests.
I've entered like 5 and won 2. One was tri-county and I got first place and the other one was a little bigger but it wasnt a state contest, I think it might have been regional but I got third place. I consider those both big accomplishments too.
And then when I was 17 I started writing fanfiction.
I think fanfiction is what actually got it in my head that maybe I could write an actual book one day. Like before I just saw it as like a hobby because I was scared of the commitment of writing a whole book but ive written almost 200,000 words of one of my fanfics and it wasn't that overwhelming and I think that usually a decent sized novel so why not give it a try?
Idk if that answered the question or if I got TOO off track but oh well :)
#you can tell when i start mildly bragging#im sorry im just proud of myself💀#I think I mentioned before that everytime I get really into writing its to cope with something.#so that like 11-15 era and then when I was 17 I had a lot going on and thats always when i started really getting back into it#i also consider getting involved in fandom (aside from just writing) something like a milestone to my writing timeline thing#because its the first time I had a community around it#and that I can talk to other people who are passionate about their wips and works and whatnot#and compare writing styles and stuff#i also really enjoy getting immediate feedback#also being able to read stuff by people who dont get paid for it and who dont have to worry about writing trends and stuff is really nice#i think its really neat how much of my life stems from writing#like idk how to explain how different my life would be if this wasnt my primary hobby.#me choosing my career directly stems from a story i made when i was 11#writing is also how i taught myself empathy#because i mention a lot that im a really low empathy autistic#and id always have trouble not being cold with people because i cant force myself to feel bad for them#so id make like side stories of my characters going through things people in my life went through#and if base what i say and do for them on what would help my chatacter#which i based on reading psyche textbooks#that sounds really weird now that im typing it out but oh well#im not saying im good at relationships but id be a lot worse at them if i didnt start writing#i liked this ask thank you anon <3#idk if i actually answered it though 💀#max thinks shes relevant#asks
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ive always wanted to play dnd but truly i think its too late for me and i just dont have it
#im wayyyy too ashamed to like. roleplay nowadays due to my dark and twisted past#my dads always played dnd like my whole life we were gonna do a campaign together me him and lamp when i was 13 i was sooooo excited we#planned it 4 weeks and weeks and weeks. months even. and we were gonna do it on a sundayyy so hed be off workk and it was gonna be such an#awesome day bc we were going to the zoo in cinci first and then wed come home and play dnd my first ever time playing dnd with my dad and m#sibling and i was so excited. BLANK STARE .#so anyways ive never played dnd i like. kind of dmed one session ages ago with groomer That fucking guy and ykw but that ended afte#session 0 i was the only one who actually wanted to continue bc i rly wanted to play dnd with my friends LOLLL. its so funny in retrospect#bc i was like 13 playing dnd for the first time as a dm trying to manage 3 ppl who were all older than me#g was 18-19 tfg was 16-17 and ykw was like 14-15. and all of them had played dnd before but they were making me dm for some reason#wtvr. so that went nowhere#and then me and ykw talked abt doing a dnd thing together allll the time we were even making a campaign together but it just never ended up#happening. and then all that happened and then all of his friends would come over and play dnd together in the kitchen i wasnt allowed to b#in when they had guests over (my room (garage) could only be accessed from the laundry room which could only be accessed from the kitchen.)#so there was nowhere else i could go lol. and the walls were thin so id always just hear them laughing and having a good time and it was rl#awesome for me and im SOOOOOO glad i fucking moved to wa im actually so fucking glad about it and rly happy too im so fucking glad i got to#do that. WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i got upset. sorry everyone..... ill do a silly little dance as penance#anyways. i say all this to say i dont think ill ever be able to play dnd bc like ik there r like. groups or whatever you can join but that#sounds miserable and i also feel like i cant play dnd for the first time at age 20+ like. everybody else will have already played and ill#be stupid abt everything and look dumb and Even if they were my friends and not total strangers theyd fucking hate me . So yes its so sad#idk. tag apparently has started playing dnd with my dad which is nice for them genuinely im glad they get to umm. have that. ok anyways im#gonna go slam my head into a wall a whole lot of times
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i need a walking around aimlessly tag so bad and i also. Need to stop my brain from fucking with what the ep actually representsJXHXBD
#🤖.txt#Its a GOOD kind of aimless and i have felt it before and its so beautiful#Anyways im sad. Reallyyyy sad bc i have to be in college all day tomorrow and i have some very annoying work to do#That i wanted to finish today but i had to babysit + i couldnt get myself to focus on it at all#Ough i need to turn my brain off but i'll doubt i'll be able to actually fall asleep bc thats so hard when i have class bc mental illness#This wasnt supposed to turn into a vent djhdhdhr but oh well#Ummmm played dayshift today. And it was fun#Thinking about recording myself playing something and like. Actually talking bc maybe that would help with getting myself to actually talk#in vc ? Idk. I need to pratice speaking english out loud Somehow#But idk when i'll be able to do that#I keep thinking about putting things on hold until my sister grows up enough to go to school or my mom gets someone else to babysit but its#too early for that. Idk. Not excited to not sleep and spend the whole week anxious and in pain and feeling like nothing is real#vent#suprise note essay attackJFHDHHF#Man i need to make art and actually post it but. Points at everything i already said
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My nervous system has been soooo fucked the last few days due to #Emotions!
#today i was like boardering on panicing being extremely sad and feeling deeply disturbed but like never actually reaching any completely#if that makes sense#it was kg any one thing happens i will panic or i will start sobbing or whatever but that thing never coming#so i was doing a bunch to avoid feeling any of those things pr thinking any of the thoughts that made it worse#i still thought them but it was tolerable#but now i have to sleep and i have obligations tomorrow and im not exhausted enough to just pass out#so now i must rawdog it and face the thoughts!! which means i MIGHT have s panic atfack or breakdown in the middle of the night#at least my obligations are mild tomorrow!!#and the feelings are getting easier with the days so hopefully its not too bad with the start of school!!!!#i love learning i have another genuine trigger and dealing with the consequences#i never wouldve thought that that topic would upset me so much but it did!!!!#or like the topic wasnt upsetting like i am genrallh neutral about it but that conversation triggered like genuine intrusive thoughts#i dont even struggle with those often or ever really but the last 2 days have been BRUTAL#its just so weird becausw like ive talked about this with people before and had no problems but this was like BAD#i need to assess my relationship to some things AGAIN but its like so hard because as soon as i start i get the thioughts and i get upset#maybe in like a week ill be able to approach it#but its like it would probably be less upsettting if i coukd figure out WHY its so upsetting and like my relationship to it#but i cant do that becausw it upsets me#WHATEVER
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