#like i dont want to go back to people who want me dead but i sure would like to know people who i could hang out with
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vampire date: hoshi pt. 1
genre: angst (smut in pt. 2)
w/c: 2k
pairings: vampire!hoshi, female!reader
warnings: drinking, softporn
summary: vampire!hoshi meets someone for the first time who is disobedient to his orders and he wants to know her secret.
"i know i'm an hour late, my day hasn't gone great, i'll be there in 30." you hang up on your (with all the best intentions) overbearing, best friend.
not only did you wake up with a huge pimple on your face, but at work 2 people dine and dashed and you had to pay their bill. when your best friend suggested going to a new club in the city, all you wanted to do was deny and go to sleep, but then she started talking about getting plastered, which sounds amazing right now.
after finishing the final touches on your makeup, you grab your purse, and call an uber to the new club. (dont drink and drive 🔫).
"you're going to Le Chamber? i've been there once... bad energy." the uber driver spoke as he drove the car and you notice a crucifix around his neck. "bad energy?" you usually don't interact with strangers but since it's your first time going to the club, it peaked your interest.
"yeah, as soon as i stepped inside i felt something off, like an evil vibe." you end the conversation with a 'hum' and stare out the window to the mysterious club.
when you finally arrive, you pay the uber then head inside to meet your best friend, who is on the dance floor and already drunk.
she yells your name over the music and you run over, giving her a big hug. "here drink," she demands and hands you two shots of god knows what.
without hesitation you throw your head back, taking both of them down with a scrunched up face and start dancing with your best friend.
there was a cluster of rooms on the second floor of the club that people rented out for parties and as soon as you turn to get more shots, you see 4 strikingly handsome men walk down the spiral staircase.
you call out your order to the bartender but your eyes never leave the men as they walk with a synchronized stride, almost like they're floating. when they get closer, you can see their gothic attire and tattoos all over their bodies.
"8 shots of straight vodka." one of them with bleached blonde hair, says to the bartender who was currently making your drinks.
the bartender looks him in the eyes and without a word, drops your drink, making the mysterious man his instead. you scoff loudly, "hey, what about my drink?" you yell over the music and the bartender ignores you, eyes still fixed on making the 8 shots.
"thanks to this asshole, i guess chivalry really is dead." you mutter to yourself and the mystery man chuckles. "chivalry isn't dead, i can just be quite convincing when i want to be."
your eyebrow raised when him and his friends laugh at his stupid comeback but you were not only confused on how he heard you, but also on how you heard him so clearly over the music.
after a few hours and 10 shots in, you were on the dance floor with your best friend, dancing with random men you will never see again, yet you were having a blast.
the mans hands on your waist suddenly left and before you turn around to see what happened, you felt them back on your hips, moving your body to the music.
your eyes go to your best friend and see her now dancing with one of the guys from earlier and your head turns behind your shoulder to see the bleach blonde hair man.
"what are you doing here? where's the other guy?" you ask and pull away from his grasp. "well, you claim that i'm not chivalrous, but here i am, having a dance with you." you roll your eyes and cross your arms, "i'm done dancing, let's go [Y/B/F]."
the mysterious man grabs your arm in his big hand, staring straight into your eyes. "you will dance with me, then go upstairs later with my friends and i."
his eyes were a deep wine color which you thought was tacky and when he spoke you had a bored look on your face. "oh will i? because i don't think so."
he was stunned by your words and when you go to grab your friend she was clinging onto the other man. "[Y/N], i'm dancing with him, then going upstairs later."
your fight or flight kicked in and you grab her wrist so you could drag her away but the man held her tightly. "you will let her go with me, and you'll accompany hoshi later." again with the demanding with these guys, who do they think they are? at least you have a name to the bleach blonde hair man.
"i'm not accompanying anyone, and neither is she, we're leaving." your friend fights you off and gets closer to the man. "go home if you're going to be a downer [Y/N]."
you were offended your best friend trusted a stranger more than you, not knowing she was under a spell. "fine, i will, wear a condom perverts." (srsly guys, wear condoms: safe sex)
you storm out of the club, the music beat can only be heard from the outside and your steps were wobbly considering you were still drunk. "uber." you yell out to the air as if anyone could hear you.
hoshi follows close behind you and presses his lips together so he didn't laugh. "that's not how uber works, you actually have to use your phone." he reminds you and you nod, taking out the device in your pocket but everything was blurry.
"need a ride?" he finally asks after watching you struggle with your phone. "ew no, i know enough about you to know not to get in a vehicle with you." you were already a blunt person but it amplifies when you're drunk.
hoshi ignores your rudeness and steps infront of you, "can i see your eyes?" he asks and you look up at his wine eyes again. "let me take you home." he says in a serious manner and you start drunkingly giggling. "let me take you home." you mock then start walking down the street.
"why aren't you doing what i say?" hoshi was confused, no one in his many years on earth has ever disobeyed his commands. "because i'm a person with my own free will, sorry i don't fall for a handsome face like everyone else does."
he ponders scenarios in his head on how it could be possible for you to be immune to his orders, not realizing he's walking behind you. "can you stop following me?" you turn around, stopping him in his tracks.
"where do you live? you can't walk home this drunk." hoshi presses a button on his keys and a car alarm starts ringing. "my car is right there, let me take you."
you hum as you think and agree only because you lived 20 minutes away by car so if you walked it would take you about 7 hours to make it home.
his car looked like the batmobile from batman and when you got inside it, he drove off fast. it was such a thrill, especially with the windows down, "i feel like im flying." you yell and put your arms up. hoshi just laughed when he watched and his speed was so fast he made it to your home in 10 minutes.
you open the car door and hoshi grabs your wrist before you could get out. "i'm going to see you again, i hope." he gives you a smirk and you think about it. "perhaps... put your number in."
he does as you say, then let's go of your wrist. "see you around [Y/N], oh and i'll make sure your friend gets home safe."
"[Y/N], you're the most beautiful woman in this world." hoshi whispers in your ear, kissing your neck tenderly while he massages your breasts in his hands. "you're the most handsome man. i usually don't fall for men with faces like yours but there's something about you." you whisper back, unbuckling his belt buckle, and twirling your finger around his hard member under his boxers.
"fuck [Y/N]..." his moan sent electricity to your core, making your hips jolt up on him. "want me to fuck you?" he asks with a laugh and you nod, "yes please..."
your eyes shoot open when you hear a knock on your apartment door and realize hoshi in your bed was just a dream. "what a weird dream...." you whisper and fling yourself off the bed, opening your door to see your best friend standing there.
"you got home okay?" you ask and welcome her inside. "yes, minghao is so romantic, we spent the night together at my place last night." you cringe at the thought and put your hand up, "no details please. how are you up at 7 am with no hangover?" you raise an eyebrow, your head beating from drinking so much last night.
"minghao woke me up at 6 am and we got breakfast, i feel energized actually." you nod and plop on the couch, "i feel the opposite." she joins you and hands you a bag of donuts. "i brought you some."
you take it, grateful she thought of you, "i think i'm going to sleep more, i'll eat them later." your friend sits up and looks in your eyes, "come with me to minghao's house." she squints her eyes the same way hoshi did last night and you furrow your eyebrows. "i'm too tired, maybe later."
she sighed and pursed her lips, "he said that would work..."
"what would work?"
"oh-nothing, i can't say."
of course this enticed you more, knowing she was keeping a secret from you. "what would work?" you ask again and sit up, noticing her eyes darting away from you. "did you get contacts? they're the same shade as minghao and hoshi." you mumble and your friend bites her lip.
"can you keep a secret?" you scoff and take one of her hands, "of course you're my best friend.."
"they didn't say much... but minghao told me i was going to change from now on. also, he taught me a trick to get people to do whatever i want by looking into their eyes, but since it didn't work on you, i guess i cant do it."
you listen to her intently and stand, going to your bedroom to grab your phone.
[Y/N]: "come over... NOW!!"
you walk back in the livingroom and grab your friends hands, "we'll figure out what they did to you." you assure, giving her a hug.
5 minutes after you sent the text, hoshi knocks at the door and you answer with a hand on your hip. "you got here fast." he rubs the back of his neck and nervously laughs, "i was in the neighborhood."
you close the door after he walks in and lead him
to the couch, pushing him on it. "did minghao drug her last night?" hoshi looks at your friend and notices her eyes, putting his face in hands. "he's an idiot."
"either you tell me or i call the police." you threaten and hoshi stands up quickly, grabbing your phone. "the police won't help with this... we kind of control them."
"okay, then i'll call N.C.I.S." hoshi looks at you dumbfounded, "like the american tv show?" you clear your throat and nod, "i didn't think you knew that... i was trying to scare you."
"i'll talk to him about it, keep her inside, seriously, she can hurt someone." he mumbles and you scoff, "hurt someone???"
"fine... since she's changed, i might as well just tell you. she's a vampire." hoshi bluntly spills the truth and your jaw was on the floor. "i'm also a vampire."
#hoshi#hoshi seventeen#seventeen angst#seventeen fluff#seventeen smut#seventeen#svt angst#svt carat#svt imagines#svt smut#svtcreators#svt fanfic#svt fic#svt scenarios#svt#vampire smut#kpop#hoshi smut#hoshi fluff#hoshi fanfic#hoshi angst#hoshi imagines#hoshi icons#joshua seventeen#joshua#scoups#wonwoo#mingyu#minghao#vernon
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still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)
#alek insanity#not gonna main tag this but prepare for a tiny rant#home is actually really good zane characterization and its super cool to me how it holds up to this day#s1 characterization is very specific to me because the behaviors displayed by the ninja there (mostly) isnt bc thats how they really are but#its due to societal pressure. cole originally being more 'stone faced tough guy' -> 'down to earth' -> 'really sensible easy to talk to guy'#is because hes always been a sensitive guy... but he felt he couldnt express that true version of himself. thats the whole thing behind his#true potential. jay going from s1 -> s6 -> now is less of societal pressure and more teenager figuring himself out but it still applies. ish#seeing how much the ninja have changed or grown from then to now is amazing because back then they all wore masks. they didnt know each#other all that well. but theyve gained that comfortability with each other and also have grown and matured as people#some seasons / eps characterization for certain people im not a fan of (lloyds random misogyny arc in s13) but i mean the overall trend here#and then there is zane. zane in home was pretty dead on to how he behaves now (at least... when it comes to his faults?) and i dont want to#say people skim over that but i am the sf proclaimed n1 s1e2 fan and overthink every scene. zane's early characterization is some of my fav#for him period. he also goes through a ton of traumatic stuff and a ton of bad writing bouts but why he acts so 'weird' or 'distant' has#always been a thread sewn in. he changed so much he stayed the same in a way... if that makes sense. -> ohhh the ninja get mail and he#doesnt? oh he has no family? he quite literally walks away from that situation. oh the ninja are yelling in his face and asking whats wrong#with him? he literally walks away from that situation. he says its to follow the falcon but seeing how he apologized to them by not only#baking a ton of pies (cough... the food fight is what led to him leaving at first) but he also found them a whole entire new house.#zane is unable to truly value what he does for others. insert him in s11 saying he 'tried' to fufill his goal of protecting others.#everything he has ever done still isnt good enough. then the ninja tried to apologize and he didnt really... let them.#that one post about characters putting on facades and that facade being how people really see them. even in fandom. thats zane to me#the guy who lies about being upset and avoids his problems ran away after being yelled at? and he said he wasnt really mad? that is a lie!!#him being a ~360 when it comes to his character development is neat to me because he never hid behind a mask in the same way the others did#cole wanting to seem tough vs being really soft? kai wanting approval so bad he starts being selfish? kai isnt selfish usually!#he is self centered but that is a whole different thing. just wanting to fit in and breaking free of that. zane's true potential came in the#form of 'i finally know why i am not normal' instead of 'i will be my true self'. zane never pretended to not be weird#(instert book) states he literally didnt know why people got mad at him. he just existed and it was 'wrong'. the mask he hid behind was#avoidance. he was pretty open about how he actually was (most of the time). when he was upset he would audibly sigh and walk away lol#but for him saying he wasnt upset / saddened by the ninja... it felt like a moment of selflessness. if that makes sense. he blamed himself#for the monestary burning down. so he didnt deserve the apologies (ish) in the virtues of spinjitzu zane is shown as the generous one iirc#he puts the needs of others over his own. he will bear whatever burden he needs if others are happy. at that same time he doesnt allow
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#prefacing this w ik in fanfiction they're all just our little barbie dolls we're making kiss and it doesnt matter whatsoever but like Do you#understand how much love and respect and loyalty there is between connor and leon irl#like in connors nhlpa ama he immediately no question said that leon's the nhler who knows him best + that he's spent his entire professiona#career w him. whenever leon's asked what he thinks of connor the first sentance out his mouth is 'you [the media] know. he knows' and then#he carries on talking about how he's the best player in the world + connor never hesitates to return the sentiment#and between the two of them it's not sentiments they sau it like its fact bc it is#and their whole 'cup or bust' thing every analyst and their mother have taken it as a 'they're going to win in edmonton or not at all' in t#e sense that they want to stay in edmonton n stay together <- like not even in an insane person edmonton polycule type of way in the they'r#the best players in the world and have insane chemistry on the ice and are eachother's best friends type of way#like a reason why their pp is so lethal is bc those two on a line + the other team down yeah ofc thats going to be automatic#and leon saying that their best beats anyone else's best no doubt and connor talking about building the team from the ground up like leon w#s there when they got boo'd off the ice in 2014 he was a part of building the team that's thier damn team and in turn the sheer amount of#respect the rest of the team have for them and they have for the rest of the team and the trust that while they're the best players they#don't have to play for all of them n that's part of thier whole like. our fourth line stands up to any other first line rock solid belief#like and ofc thier on ice hugs and lockerroom hugs and that moment in the sportsnet knee injury doc and how they mention that they're best#friends whenever theyre asked and how their gf's are also best friends and also their damn dogs#NOT TO MENTION. he's my ride or die. im really lucky our paths crossed here in edmonton. as a friend it was really tough to watch that#<- leon's insane 2022 playoff run on a broken ankle#and the way leon's been dubbed the german gretzky and connor's been the next next one since he was 15 and the way they have such a solid#control of the lockerroom together and i dont know if they've ever said conflicting things to the media and how they've said that they push#eachother to be better (connor saying that leon told him to score more)#and their little taps throughout their season and bringing back their team from the dead and leon being the one to make connor laugh in#pressers and on the bench#ALL TO SAY. like i am a mc.matt.drai enjoyer in the threesome/winners room/asg/2997 are actually quite abnormal about eachother and matthew#has never been normal about anything in his life and this might be fun. kinda way#but 2997 are soulbonded in ways quite possibly none of us will ever be able to truly understand#<- also i do mean this genuinely like they're not normal people but both of them are not normal#SORRY FOR RAMBLING. i just wish there was better written fanfiction.#<- wish to be the change you see in the world innit tho#so funny to me how the eh is just canadian innit.
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i love thinking about the very few things that make lleyth angry like yessss show me ur convictions and flaws babygirl
#💾#ill b very interested 2 see how this all pans out because let me tell you. lleyth wants illario dead so bad#and i have a feeling they are Not going to get what they want#and it's just fun for me to think about bc like. one of their core values is that they are loyal to antiva & the crows above all else#and they already felt kinda betrayed by the crows already thanks to the whole Exile fuck up#and bringing it up legitimately makes them testy. like if you want to get lleyth snappy a great way to do it is Bring That Up#or imply what they did was treason#bc they would tell you 'i did what i did FOR the crows. and antiva. and just because they can't see that...'#'do not trouble yourself to lecture me on where my own loyalties lie'#and it makes them not really understanding other ppl being loyal to their family so tasty because it's hypocritical!!!!!!!!!#lleyth: i dont understand complex family dynamics and intense loyalty to fucked up family. everything is very simple really.#← guy who literally comes from a family of people who kill each other for power or if they become inconvenient#and was kicked out of the only home and family they've ever known for daring to defend their family and home#and remains loyal to them all despite it anyways.#anyways. i <3 when characters have views that conflict with their core values and vice versa#and i think they are scared that after everything they'll still be in exile#i made myself sad thinking about lleyth being vulnerable and asking lucanis if he thinks they'll be allowed to come back 'after all this'#haha. yeow#*slaps lleyth and lucanis* these babies can hold so much justification and self-blame re: family & loyalty in them
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Sometimes I get the urge to be like "Well, they can't live forever" when it comes to shitty situations with shitty people. But then I remember that A: shitty person dying might not be the result that someone wants, and B: it actually can take quite a while for people to die, in many cases
Idk I'm just so used to death being right around the corner that I'm like "Well maybe he'll die soon and that'll fix it" but he probably won't die that soon and it also might not fix it. Or be wanted.
Idk it's such a specific mentality that I have now. People can die with such short notice that you Never Know! The solution to all your problems may be short at hand. You never know.
#speculation nation#honestly i think the Year Of Death knocked a bit of a screw loose in me.#zero trust in anyone's longetivity. Any person around me could die with no warning at all. death comes in many forms.#including me! i could also die like that!#so people will ask things like 'do you think youll live until youre 70' and im like. i dont know!#i'll try to! but i could die next week. or today. or tomorrow. or in 50 years. it's all a giant game of gacha.#or perhaps russian roulette. but with a biiiiiiig barrel.#every day god cocks it back and pulls the trigger and Click! not my day to die today!#someday he'll pull that trigger and my metaphorical brains will blow. and yknow what i'll be dead so it wont even matter.#quite fortuitous that i already wasnt scared of death before getting such severe mortality awareness.#im gonna try to live as long as i can bc there are lots of things i still want to do. but when it's my time?#i'll be dead anyways. wont be able to care then.#theres a very specific kind of feeling that comes from dealing with sudden losses so consistently.#of receiving a call from someone who doesnt normally call you out of the blue and going 'oh boy someone else is dead now huh'#of answering it. having that hunch confirmed. and you just gotta go 'Okay. thanks for telling me.'#anyways i think theres something wrong with me but at least im still functioning fine. so it could be worse!#negative/#kinda lol. did get a bit into vent territory here.
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Thinking about one of the loser men I dated directly post-college who, after I showed them Dirty Computer [the emotion picture] by Janelle Monae, said they "prefer rap that has something to say"
#this person identified as a man but used they/them pronouns just in case that was confusing#but yeah like. what does that mean. did you watch the video#also one time said colorado edibles were 'too strong' and therefore 'dangerous'#they said that COLORADO should have more 'regulations' imposed on weed products lmfao#also when i was watching mad men and expressed that i liked it#they were like 'i dont see the appeal bc the commentary feels obvious to anyone whos lived on the east coast' skskdkdkelsdnakas#they had the WEIRDEST complex about being from the east coast. like. most tightly wound person ive ever met in my life#who was constantly insisting they were sooo type b and so chill and go-with-the-flow#and like yeah im aware im from one of the most laid back slacker states#but this person was one of the most uptight people ive ever met let alone dated#and just had like 0 self awareness about it#like they would exclusively wear button downs sweater vests and cardigans. wouldnt be caught dead in a hoodie unless it was northface#would only drink coffee if it was made from a french press#also see above story about edibles (which was the biggest 'fight' we ever got in bc i was like what the fuck r u talking about)#like. the label says clearly how much thc cbd etc is in each edible and how many doses there are per container#what else could you want#if you dont know how itll affect you just take half or even a quarter of one first???#this still gets me heated to think about#but yeah like what kind of person sees DIRTY COMPUTER and is like 'hmm not political enough' lmfao#OH ALSO guess why we broke up#the blm protests happened and they said they were just 'too affected by police violence to be dating right now'#(they were very much white. blonde white)#and then i found out 11 months after we broke up that they had started dating a poc a month before we broke up#because i saw an anniversary post they did and i was like '...wait a minute'#and a friend of mine used to work with them after we broke up and according to him this person would constantly bring up what a great 'ally'#they were for dating a poc#fucking. wild
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I feel like my loneliness is getting to me a bit too much
#every now and then a thought pops into my head about how i should 'contact people i left without a word' which i immediately#have to suppress the moment it becomes loud enough for me to focus on#like i dont want to go back to people who want me dead but i sure would like to know people who i could hang out with#thing is after that last clown-fest i would rather die than try to meet people other than my mutuals ever again#and its not even like i dont appreciate the one irl i have. i love them but they have their own circle and also cant do everything i like#and vice versa#this all just makes me feel like im behind and stuck and doomed to stay like this#Corvin caws
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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trying to figure out Lomion's relationships for the reverse gondolin au - so far I have Rog as his mentor instead of Eol and Celegorm as his "uncle". he's not particularly close with Idril, but Turgon helps him with the politics/statecraft stuff. anyways I can't figure out a marriage candidate for him for heir-identification purposes so
#silm#silmarillion#reverse gondolin au#not art#lomion#i dont really have any ship/sexuality headcanons for lomion#so idk who to stick him with#but he is the high king after all and does need somewhere for the crown to go in the case of his likely demise#maedhros can get away with zero children because he has plenty of brothers & cousins#but sadly lomion is an only child (or at least the only surviving child...?)#and by his reign most of his family has been wiped out#idril still sails in the au so she cant inherit#i think celebrimbor is the only close friend/family he has living after the destruction of gondolin??#celebrimbor def would not *want* to be king but i could see him taking the crown in an emergency#so that sauron/morgoth/whoever would focus on him and give his family/people time to escape#the lomion/tyelpe idea actually happened bc i was thinking about if he should be obsessed with the opposite cousin the au#since idril is like 300some years younger than him and they didn't meet until much later#and anyways they're even more cousins-removed than russingon so it should be fine right? lol#the other main marriage option im considering is giving one of the other Lords a kid#maybe egalmoth can have a random daughter somewhere in there?#i don't want to make it too much of a 'random person + random heir kid' situation#so maybe he can just adopt a kid? but then if he dies early the kid is too young#(bc he doesnt have a kid when idril arrives)#also gil galad is younger here to make the timelines work#anyways and if he dies early and his kid is too young but he's also not married and has no siblings then idk who would be regent#bc by the end of the FA i'm aiming to have turgon & aredhel dead; elwing & earendil dead/departed; tuor dead; and idril sailed#and then that leaves like nobody alive family wise#aaagh help me i have no idea who inherits after him#like. does celebrimbor have to be king for a few hundred years? he probably would sooner dissolve the formal kingship than deal with that#or do i throw it back at gil galad? how does gil even get to gondolin?? where does he come from
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also worth saying that this is driving me to writing thg fanfic bc I'm genuinely pissed off, but my favourite way of engaging with thg isn't even with canon characters at this point. it's through thinking about two ocs I've had for years that I mentally refer to as "toxic fishermen yuri", and I'm incapable of writing extensively abt anything related to thg that doesn't involve them lol
#toxic fishermen yuri is like:#what if we were childhood friends who grew up together in our working class neighbourhood and knew each other in a way no one else ever wil#but you were being indoctrinated into thinking that our evil fascist government and their child murder competition were actually cool#and that you should totally volunteer for them one day. and even though I unlike you am immune to propaganda I can't abandon you#I'll never abandon you. you're the only person who has ever truly known me and I'm the only person who has ever really known you#so even after you volunteer and I watch you become twisted into something I KNOW you're not and you come back as ghost of your former self#with blood on your hands and a dead look in your eyes I'm still here. I'll always be here. I promise.#even when I become more and more deeply involved in a plot against our government and you become more and more entertwined with it#and I watch you be used and abused by it even as you claim you owe everything to them. and so many ppl I know claim you're a collaborator#a capitol loyalist and a traitor I know you're not. I know you. you had good intentions and did what you thought was right#I know you're just scared. I know you just want to protect people and you're just trapped in a web of you're own making#and given the opportunity? I know you'd take a way out. I know you'd do the right thing. I dont care what you or anyone else thinks.#I'm still here. I can't abandon you even if I wanted to. and I know you won't abandon me#and also we were both girls#anyway. they make me unwell </3 I love toxic homoerotic friendships. I literally can't talk about them or I just. do what you see above#I go completely insane and I know literally no one else will care lol#op
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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ANYWAY i recently got into tng and am now super obsessed with wesley (just a lil dude!! why does everyone hate him i don't get it!!) and all the Implications and Potential that his character had (and has)
like your father killed on duty, lingering resentment with the man who feels responsible for it, the same man whose words are like gospel to you, who gives you every single opportunity that you shouldn't be given, who was only persuaded to do so by a somewhat higher being who is oh so carefully crafting your life in just the right ways for Something, constantly being brought forward and pushed away, too many parent figures and only one, the only meaningful friendships you have are with people twice your age (they will always see you as a child), you do everything for Him, everything for His legacy (your dead father? your captain? they're so closely intermingled and so far apart), you finally reach what everyone knows you're going to do, you get into the best team in the school, you have a best friend (was he something more? do you even remember?), you kill him (it's so much more than that but the black and white is addicting), everyone hates you, He's disappointed in you, how long has it been since you could look your mother in her eyes, you want to die but that would be unfair, how dare you feel guilty, and oh look, the beings who have watched you for your whole life (they knew this would happen) want you to join them. there's never been another choice. the prodigal son always completes his duties.
#GOD#ive only had wesley for a day and half but if anything happened to him i would kill everyone in this room and then myself#except everything is happening to him all the time#like NO ONE on the enterprise thinks its Weird that this guy is So into wesley and knows exactly when to show up to help#and conveniently there's an open spot for him in the time space cult roster when his life is falling apart and he has no direction#(no one is giving him direction)#i think about wesley too long and i implode#not even getting into the whole thing with jack 2....#anyway i watched a bit of prodigy because i wanted to see wesley as a traveler and i gotta say i Do Not like it akjdg#i really wanted to but i just couldnt#some people like him because he feels happier#but all i can think about is why would he be#sure its nice in some ways i wont deny that#but he's isolated he's important he's meaningless nothing he does matters everything he does matters it's too much and not enough#it's the exact same position he was in at starfleet. something Bigger than him telling him who he is what he means what his morals are#ALSO HE GOES BACK HE GOES BACK TO STARFLEET HE SERVES UNDER RIKER LIKE HELLO#god there's so much more too like how many times has he almost died as a child remember when he fucking did die#how many times did the adults around him get controlled and hurt them#genuinely think wesley has felt helpless his entire life and that culminates in him being obsessed with needing to know everything#that happens on the ship + eventually running away to the Know Everything In The Multiverse Cult + going back to starfleet#his whole life has been him fighting for control while simultaneously bowing his head at every parental figure#wesley: surely This Guy can give me a sense of purpose and identity#it started with jack man... wesley never really escaped i really dont think he did#wesley crusher#anyway i need a nova squadron fixit fic sooo badly it's ruining every day of my life#on one hand i love them tragic and depressed and dead on the other what if happy yippee hooray???
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I'm tired of dreaming about my dad. I know it's part of processing, but I am just so tired.
#speculation nation#negative/#sometimes theyre nice dreams where i have him back. except i still wake up sad.#sometimes theyre dreams where im trying to prevent what i know is going to come. but without fail i wake up. and he's already dead.#and then there are dreams like the one i just woke up from. where i know he's dead and im feeling the full force of grief once again#bawling and bawling in-dream. with enough force that it wakes me up.#and of course. i wake up sad from these too.#it makes me think about that passage i wrote for ITNL. well over a year ago. before the Year Of Death even began.#where i wrote about vash dreaming of wolfwood. with a similar sort of vibe to this.#i wrote that inspired by the death of my grandma. who i was close with and greatly troubled by her death.#even that had nothing on my dad though. no loss has ever felt this severe before.#it's been 5 months and sometimes i feel okay. but then i feel the ache deep in my chest again#and i know im never going to be fully free from this pain.#i want to go back to the person i was before i lost my dad. to before i lost my uncle.#i want to go back to early may of last year. where life seemed hopeful and i was minimally touched by death.#only 2 deaths from people close to me. 3 deaths if you count my childhood cat.#now im up to 5 deaths of people who were close to me. and 7 if you count my sweet baby boys.#can you believe that? 4 deaths ive grieved in the past year (and a bit). 2 more deaths of ppl i knew but wasnt close to.#and 2 of them were so genuinely life-altering that they changed me as a person. my uncle and then my dad.#i still dont know who i am now. i feel so lost. i look out at the piles of boxes of my dad's stuff and i feel so overwhelmed.#im supposed to go through them. i havent touched them in months. i dont know how to even begin.#and so i try my best to keep up with my cleaning and my schoolwork. it's about all that i can manage
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It truly says something about my childhood that even now, as I am forced to quarantine to a truly unbearable extent bc covid is trying to kill me really hard, im still less lonely and isolated than I was back then
#things are really bad but like i got people who love me#even though the hoops they have to go through to keep me alive in a way that is bearable are INSANE!!!!#truly we are living through unbearable times and completely erased from public view#i could have a life! if society cared about the pandemic#but you know im trying to make it out alive and hopeful with some quality of life#working on it!#im supposed to give a talk at a conference and i just want to scream#like im dying!!! im half dead!!!! what are we eve doing!!!! every day theres more of us!!!!!#you cant even utter the word prevention in Healthcare and academic circles its maddening#hey the best way for people not to get debilitating long covid#is to stop covid!!!!!!!!!!#we need a political movement!!! what are we even doing!!!!!!!!!!#i was just put in a saw trap TWICE and i dont know if i can come back!!!!!!!#anyway surviving the plague is such a fucking despairing grind#when most people want you actively dead so you can stop reminding them of the plague
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#ughhhh sorry 3am angstposting incoming#notes from the crypt#i just got back from teo weeks of visiting my parents and extended family#sometimes i wonder if it would be kinder if they just disowned me and were done with it#they arent even subtle about how little they care about me and my wellbeing and safety#every time i delude myself into thinking things can be repaired they twist the knife a little deeper#im just so tired#i try so hard#i give so much of myself and work so hard to be optimistic and kind to everyone and get back apathy or worse#i just don't know how much longer i can do this#my heart hurts so bad it feels like all my veins turned to glass and then shattered#i just dont know what to do#i dont know how to build a found family or neighborhood support system from scratch#im so tired of just surviving#is it really so impossible to find someone to cherish who will cherish you back?#maybe my dad is right and im just unloveable#i want to go home but ive bever really had one#and im honestly losing hope that i ever will#ill end up like ellenor rigby#or one of those people you hear about where no one realizes they are dead for months until they get evicted for not paying rent#or until their corpse starts leaking through the ceiling of their downstair neighbors apartment#i just wish someone out there cared#sorry for being dramatic ill be fine in a few days probably#and im not going to do anything drastic- i have my cats to think about#i just need to scream into a void and write these thoughts before they eat me alive#anyway im going to sleep#hopefully in the morning ill feel less like a moldy shoe left to rot on the side of the highway
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I want to kill myself.
#dont have rent. backed up 2 months of electricity bill we dont have.#i think ive ruined my friendship with my roommate eith my own cowarsace#im so tired.#my friends tell me they can house me n take care of me#i dont really think i want to live if i get evicted or snything#the debt alone from the damage we've done to that apt..#the couch#all of it#im just so tired u know#like rlly and truly tired#i did try again! i did try to make life better!#and i ruined it. i ruined it. i ruined it.#is it really worth the pain of doing it all over again with a mountain of debt#i barely get out of bed except to work#i just want to die#i just want peace#its never coming#people scoff and say “thats adulthood for you”#okay. then i dont want ir#ill kill myself. w that you can survive it#of ruining every relaitonship you get and of ruininge very chance you get#if thats adulthood thats fine#id rarher be dead#props to those who can survive this#not me tho ill take the L#i so badly want to kill myself#im holding on by a thread and its glued together by people that i fear may not be able to keep me hanging on it#its coming#theres gonna be a dsy where the dread of living out ways the regret of making my friends go through grief
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