#like i dont think he fully thought ��i am gay or something” i just think he started to realize the way he thought abt dwight wasn't ��normal”

[cankersaurus]

Toxic Yaoi

[ludwigplayingthetrombone]

Post war/coma comic about Gai struggling with his recovery

Since tumblr hates long form comics, I have to split this into 2 bc its 36 images. This is the first part, part 2 i'll either do as a reblog or a separate post right after this, stay tuned! Links to support me in pinned post <3

tw: s*icidal thoughts, injury, a little blood

Bisuke: Gai's Back!

Gai: GRAAH!

Kks: Im home Gai: Welcome back Kks: [wheels rolling] Hey,

Kks: Ga-!? Gai: Im fine. The tile is cool on my face. Kks: Wanna go lay down in bed? Gai: I am so /sick/ of lying down. Kks: Ok. What do you want for supper?

Gai: You're not going to comment? Kks: I already know what happened. You overdid it again. I should be able to keep up with chores, kakashi. Kks: You can. Just don' bull through it all in one go. Do you want to end up in the hospital again? Gai: Please don't. Kks: I know sitting still is hard for you, and "too much" is in your DNA, but you have to take this slow so you don't exacerbate your injuries, Gai. You went from hyper-aware to pretending your body limits dont exist. Gai: Like you haven't done the same.

Gai: You've proved your point. Kks: It's not about that. And you've dragged me to bed and out of bed repeatedly when I needed it. You were burning alive from the inside. Tsunade told you your immune system is out of whack. You need to take it easy. /I/ know you're capable, but are you trying to prove to /yourself/ you are? Gai: You want me to admit my embarrassment? Kks: If something serioud happens, You'll be even more embarrassed then

Gai: How could you possibly know how I FEEL?! How could you EVER KNOW HOW I FEEL?! Kks: I DON'T! But I've /been/ the one ouking and sobbing on your bathroom floor because I couldn't take living anymore! And I don't want that for YOU!

Kks: I'm sorry, Gai. Gai: I'm sorry

Kks: I can't stand knowing you're in pain, and I can't get you help. If there was a way, I'd do anything. Gai: You do so much to help me already.... And I yelled at you Kks: I've screamed at you so much, that was pretty tame. I wish I was like you with things like this. Not great with what to say...... But I can listen.

Gai: I hate feeling so weak. I'm tired all the time, in constant pain, I can't even walk-..... I can tell tenten and the boys worry despite my efforts to appear positive. Kks: They're just not sure how to react. They know you hate being babied, but don't want to push you into hurting yourself. You hate being told you can't do something. They love you. You get stronger everyday, everyone is cheering you on.

Gai: I know it's irrational, but... I feel like you gave up the Hokage position to take care of me. Kks: Haa!? I'm grateful if anything. I'd be retired too if I could. That'd be amazing. I'm dreading just helping Tsunade but as long as you're by my side, I'll be fine. We're still equals, rivals, friends, partners

Gai: Even if I can't- Kks: /Always/ wil be, dickhead. Gai: You worry about me hurting myself? Kks: I know you think about it

Kks: We're the same in that regard Gai: I would never act on this, please believe me, these thoughts are rare........... Kks: It's ok, Gai. Gai: Sometimes I think i should have just died. I feel so out of place on the streets I used to feel so at home at. I never asked to live. I didn't plan to. I just don't know how to-...

Kks: I understand that. Though, dying didn't feel any better. Gai: I know I didn't fully pass like you did. I didn't see papa. Just for a moment, I wish I could have seen him.

Kks: As much as I'm sure he wants to see you again, It's too soon. Dai'd slap the shit out of you for wanting to waste your youth just to see him. Gai: [chuckle] probably. Kks: I have those thoughts less and less now, but they're still there. "why am I the one who survives?" "Burden" "Gai will come to his senses eventually"

Gai: FALSE!! None of my grief is with you! I love living here with you! My love for you only burns hotter each day! You're so lovely inside and out! Kks: Maa What did I do to deserve such praise from teh mouth of the hottest man in Konoha?? Gai: YOU STILL THINK I'M HOT?! Kks: YOU-! [CACKLE]

Kks: Your bad taste is the only reason I had a chance before someone snatched you up. Gai: The worst. Kks: Thought we'd irritate eachother, but it's been pretty smooth. Even though you still get played by the dogs. Gai: You really wanna throw those stones?

Gai: They play you just as easily. don't lie. Kks: My point is, whatever you need from me, you have it. No questions asked. Even if you yell and scream, i can take it. You held me together when I was unraveling, and I'll never forget it. Didn't trust anyone else to see me like that. Broken

Gai: I never saw you as that. Kks: I'll never see you as that

[mymoshangthoughts]

cumplane thoughts: (lots of nsfw LOL)

airplane in shen yuan's lap, cockwarming for him while he writes and shen yuan looks over his shoulder, sharply criticizing his writing

shen yuan using his advanced knowledge of pidw to wifeplot the fuck out of airplane (its not his fault that airplane doesnt remember that flower is an aphrodisiac or this cave is the "ohno now we have to get married!" cave. really, it was irresponsible of airplane to forget such things and this was the forgone conclusion of that hack author being so forgetful)

cucumber and airplane being enemies online, but crushing on each other irl without knowing about the online handles (classmates? workmates? that cute guy i see on the train?)

shen twins au where shen yuan notices that disciple shang is kinda sus and investigates (thinking that its bc of the mobei jun thing and now that he's grown up in this world he's sort of invested in NOT having demons attack his sect-mates), but the more he gets to know the skittish disciple, the more he's sorta catching feelings and this is a problem! bc shang qinghua is gonna be a traitor! ....but is he really? sure, qinghua is a lil asshole, but he's not really the bloodthirsty type? maybe with some proper guidance from his shixiong he'll turn out better? no, jiu-ge, i am not being naive and no i dont think my dick cures evil, its not like that! it's just that--why are you calling him my boyfriend?! I SAID IT'S NOT LIKE THAT, JIU-GE!

cumplane frenemies since their school days and current roommates. shen "i'm not gay so the sex isnt gay" yuan and shang "you're not fooling anyone but sure" qinghua. they're just 'friends' according to shen yuan. it's 'no homo sex' apparently. shang qinghua is fine with this, he is, his stupid boyfriend might have the most internalized homophobia in the world but like... they live together and shen yuan is mostly nice to him and they've been together for years and this is something real, right? except shen yuan's mom starts pressuring him to "finally settle down and marry a nice girl" so shen yuan is talking about it and the sinking realization finally hits shang qinghua that shen yuan never really considered their relationship to be a real thing. thats... fine... this is fine... he'll be fine. he is not fine. nope. not one bit. and he is not gonna be the bigger man about this. fuck. no. he is absolutely going to fucking destroy that stupid piece of shit EX boyfriend who never deserved him!! he is going to avenge himself and ruin shen yuan's life and he is going to be super shitty about it! but first, he's going to run away from home and cry with a tub of ice-cream bc wow that is the most painful breakup he's ever had haha. except after shang qinghua disappears and leaves behind a "fuck you, i want a divorce" note, shen yuan looks for him and asks friends and gets dressed down for being an idiot and also realizes oh fuck he actually totally was in love with his not-boyfriend and now he has to win back a very vengeful and very bitter shang qinghua, who also knows all of his weaknesses and darkest secrets

cumplane sex where cucumber is struggling to comprehend just how fucking shameless airplane is. that man can ride his dick while moaning pathetically and then still look cucumber in the face and smile while asking for round five and cucumber knew that airplane wrote porn, cucumber READ that porn, but nothing quite prepared him for just how horny and sexually expressive airplane is. SHEN YUAN'S THIN FACE WAS NOT READY FOR THIS SHIT

shang twins au: the shang twins have been pretending to be one person, for vaguely evil reasons, and shen yuan notices solely bc he Is A Very Observant and Smart Person and it's not at all because he's memorized the pattern of airplane's freckles or anything gay like that, nope, that's not it at all!

cucumber starts talking to one of airplanes various troll alts that he uses to stir up drama and airplane replies, fully intending to further agitate one of his loudest anti-fans except.... they just kinda... keep talking? and airplane is really enjoying himself? and they're taking it to the dms and now they're kinda friends and shit, it's bad if cucumber finds out he's airplane, right? the entire basis of their friendship is a lie then. which is totally fine, haha, this friendship prolly won't last long. except it totally does and now theres like irl meetings and cucumber is Fucking Handsome and that isn't fair AT ALL bc now airplane has a crush on his (best??)friend and ohwow, cucumber can srsly NEVER learn abt his identity as the author. cucumber is a super bitter and grudge holding person but also he HATES the author and airplane rreeeallly likes having someone who kinda likes him in his life aND OHFUCK IS THAT CUCUMBER LOOKING AT HIS PHONE!?

shen yuan making airplane endure Every Single sex position that he wrote those poor wives in the harem having to endure. partially to make a point of "that CANT be possible", partially bc he's still annoyed at the hack writing, and partially bc it's rrreeeeeaallly nice to see airplane fucked out of his mind like that

airplane accidentally wife-plots himself and cucumber is a good bro about it and fucks away the fuck-or-die pollen. except now he's accidentally gotten airplane addicted to his dick??? bc now airplane is seeking him out constantly. was there something else in that fuck-or-die pollen? bc airplane is acting weird. was there some freaky love potion or something? ahh, it's really hard to think of the answer when he wakes up to the peak lord of an ding sucking his dick

airplane accidentally gets transformed into a magical beast and before he can find his way back to humanity, he gets beaten up and hauled off by liu qingge to be presented as a gift to shen yuan. which oki, fine, maybe he can communicate to his bro. but shen yuan is really nice to him when he's in this form (like a hamster monster) and wow, he never knew how much he really liked shen yuan being nice to him??? maybe he should just let it be for a bit longer??

shen yuan, recently trasnmigrated into the body of an ice demon, does not know what to do about the sobbing an ding disciple clinging to his thigh and begging for his life (bc i refuse to kill off mobei jun, this is a body swap au and now mobei jun has to live in modern day china as shen yuan LOL)

cucumber decides that he likes airplane best when he's too fucked out of his mind to keep talking shit. also, on a related note, airplane decides he likes when cucumber talks shit when they're in bed the most. does he have a degradation kink? he might have a degradation kink.

sugar baby airplane and his very grumpy sugar daddy shen yuan. yes, airplane is spoiled rotten, but he also has a strict writing schedule and his harshest critic tormenting him in bed. but ohwell, shen yuan also nags him to eat properly and makes sure that he does and the kitchen is always stocked and sometimes shen yuan just pulls him into a hug and rests his chin against airplane's head and yeah, he can live with sometimes getting fucked while cucumber growls in his ear "that was a shit chapter, you completely forgot the continuity from chapter 24 and now you created a big stupid plothole with the most interesting monster you made--". its a good life

airplane first meets shen yuan as a coworker. he's a rich trust-fund baby type who has impeccable fashion and a poser attitude. clearly a thin face and probably boring as fuck. airplane meets shen yuan for the second time at a convention while signing autographs, dressed in binghe-merch and clearly Way Too Invested. and airplane immediately thinks the gap moe is AMAZING. he's gonna have so much fucking fun with this. especially since airplane was wearing cosplay and his coworker didn't recognize him >:D

[goddammiteverythingstaken]

ok so I was rewatching top gun maverick with my parents. I settled down to watch and thought, I havent watched it since it came out, i was probably making up how gay it seemed.

NOPE.

1.) SO. the first scene in the bar, we see penny and mav. they are exes. mav left penny. THIS IS IMPORTANT

In a show of blatant flirting from maverick mav says, "You look good."

He doesnt say it in a suggestive tone or something, he just says it and we know its flirting. We switch to the scene of all the younger pilots. Rooster walks in. What is the first thing he says to Hangman??? You look good. This, my friends, is a direct parallel. Because Rooster is the one who said it we can assume he dumped Hangman. This makes everything make so much sense. Hangman is a bitch. But hes even more of a bitch to, you guessed it: Rooster.

2.) Hangman and Rooster have matching helmets???? excuse me??? We know that they knew eachother a while ago, they have canon history with eachother. In Hangmans helmet he has letters missing, like in the game hangman. Clever right? Well, Hangmans not the only one with a customized helmet. Harvard has harvard font and colors, etc etc. However, Rooster also has a customized helmet. The letters in his name are crossed out. none of the letters in rooster are in hangman. coincidence? I THINK NOT. Now, Im not the one who came up with this theory but I am fully onboard.

3.) "give them hell" Hangman says this to Rooster right before the mission starts. Now, rivals are kind of inherently a little homerotic if you ask me. But you know whats even more gay? Rivals who have a dark past who deep down still care about eachother. And we keep. getting. examples.

4.) example two: Hangman is ordered to stay on board. Does he? NOPE. He goes against orders and goes to save rooster. because he cares about rooster. Case closed.

5.) They use the "You look good line" ANOTHER TIME. But this time, instead of Hangman saying "I am good (im acting cocky cause im still bitter about our breakup and I dont want to make the same mistake)" he says: "i am good (holy shit babe thank god your alive)". Now, is this only speculation from the tone? sure! but the second one is said with a lighter tone. Idk. seems pretty gay to me.

6.) last but not least, they get off the plane and stare into eachothers eyes. The music swells. They move towards eachother, in a culmination of their unspoken history and flirting littered through the entire movie. then they kiss

[jaegersmoon]

hello aims!

two days ago i came out to my mama as bisexual. although, i dont think she understood the meaning of bisexuality because she asked me if having a boyfriend before chnaged my view and if i still loved yoongi from bts LMAO.

anyway, the process was surely difficult and unexpected. i told her because she straight up asked me if i was a lesbian. i quickly told her no at first because i was nervous for her reaction but as soon as i said no, she told me, “ill still support you and love you no matter what!” with a smile so that gave me comfort and reasoning to just out myself to her. i asked what brought this up abd she was telling me she saw my tiktok reposts about loving my girlfriend. so i was like shit but i waited a couple mins before doing so then i told her and her reaction was far different then when she asked me. her face looked different and her attitude was different. she then told me im not mad at you and told me “i dont like it because of our religion” i was silent. i expected a hug of some sort or another “i will support you.” i didnt get that but whatever i stayed strong. she then kept saying she wasnt mad and she wasnt going to tell anyone. i was like okay and then the subject changed.

an hour or two went by, i was playing a game with my girlfriend (my mother doesnt know about her because after that reaction, i couldnt do it.) i received a message from my mother for me to think about liking girls and if thats really what i want basically. i was shocked. i didnt know what to do or say to her. i waited a couple mins as i cried and then i accessed the situation. i told her how im still me and how i understand that shes shocked, but saying this was super hurtful. she apologized, telling me she knows she cant chnage my feelings, but if me being gay was anything that she did or if i was raised wrong. i told her no and how it was never her or my dad because the both raised me great. she then proceeded to tell me shes scared and overprotective because theres hate in this world. i assured her im fine and always have been fine and even went on her level to explain that God would love me no matter what. that he loves all of us no matter what and she liked the message so i assumed she felt okay. she then proceeded to ask if i loved yoongi from bts still LMAO i was like girl yes!!!! she then told me how she wouldn’t tell anyone again and how if i ever need to talk to someone shes there for me. she said she would always love me and never abandon me then that was it.

overall, im feeling okay. somewhat embarrassed and regretful for telling her when i thought she would be fully okay with it! i still think shes still processing.. idk i cant fully be with her and think if shes mad or embarrassed to have me as a daughter. i say embarrassed because she told me she wasnt going to tell anyone because she didnt want anyone to say anything to her not like its their business. although i understand her view of oeople coming at her, it feels like shes embarrassed. idk it feels hurtful still. i just want to like redo my coming out moment😭😭😭 i never wanna experience that kind of feeling again. its also hard too because my girl loves sending me gifts each holiday so im likeHoldup.. now i cant even say its from a friend or else she will think its a girlfrienf which it is but i cant say that! im scared to even bring up the fact i got a girl. aims this is truly scary. idk what to do.

hi bb !! i wanted to say how proud i am of you for your coming out and i feel honored that you opened up to me about your situation. i’m sorry that this moment didn’t turn out as you were expecting and that you mom seems to be giving you mixed reactions on this situation that can be confusing. maybe give her some time to process and then answer any questions she might have bc it came sometimes be hard for people to wrap their heads around something they don’t fully understand. no matter what, never let her change who you are and what you love. again, im very proud of you and i am wishing you only the best in this world. you deserve everything.🤍

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 13

welcome the the tenth fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. i was always yours (even before you knew it) by paladarns

Lance thought Keith was just an asshole. Lance has always thought of Keith as an asshole, all throughout traveling into space in a large mechanical lion, all throughout bonding moments. All throughout becoming closer as teammates and friends.

Even now, with his hands pinned above his head and Keith’s thighs straddling his waist, Lance thinks Keith is an asshole.

Lance had always thought he could see right through people, but now he’s starting to think he has a bad judgement of people.

---------- a fic in which keith is obvious and lance is a bit of a gay nervous wreck

takes place as if season 1 is the only season to exist but its now years later

so many things to love about this fic. so so many. so i am going to list them. a) secret relationship bc i love that shit and eat it up every time, b) ‘takes place as if season 1 is the only season to exist but its now years later’ -- paladarns my love thank you for this truly excellent description of where i write my fics like 80% of the time. c) keith has game, and d)  HE WAS ALWAYS KEITHS EVEN BEFORE HE KNEW IT IM SOBBING BEST TROPE BEST TROPE

2. Wake Up, Sleephyhead! by @transbakugou

Keith has never loved someone like he loves Lance. Lance is his sun, his stars, his happiness. Their hands fit together like they were created to do nothing but hold each other, and he fits perfectly inside of Lance's arms. But he can never let anyone find out how much he loves this boy, how wholly and endlessly. Who knows what the Galra would do with that kind of information?

One morning, the lie comes crashing down around them.

Maybe it won't be as bad as they feared.

i love gay whipped klance and truly every single fic that has ever been written based on a vine is truly amazing, this fic is no exception. also secret relationship lol i am a sucker

3. Something Secret by @kingswriting

It was funny at first. Their arguments became more banter than actual disagreements, yet the entire team continued to assume they were at each other’s throats.

And Lance knows they’re not. He is fully aware that every sharp word, every sly smirk, every heavy handed push, and everything in between is anything but malicious.

But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss the softer side of things.

Or, Lance and Keith are in a secret relationship, but honestly want to omit the 'secret' part.

okay u can always tell what tag im following obsessively at certain times lol. for yall i present yet another secret relationship fic. ahem. this one is cute! banter and flirting and misleading and kisses and GOD its so sweet

4. Things Held Sacred by yarrie

So maybe, just maybe, Pidge was right. Maybe, just maybe, Keith had shot himself in the foot with his first attempt at resolving the blanket-hogging situation, because now Lance seemed to think it was a game and the rules were: steal the blankets, get sex.

To be fair, Keith hadn't exactly been...dissuading him very well.

okay so heres how this works. every fic rec friday so far has been from a specific collection of mine called ‘rereadables’, which was literally started because of this fic. i dont even know what specific part of this fic gets to me so hard, but you know when you read something that makes your stomach go all swoopy? and you can’t stop smiling? thats this fic! i remember i finished it for the first time and then i scrolled right back up to the top and read it again, then again, and again. like i cannot get over this fic. it gives me butterflies every time

5. Communication is key, they say by @ellana17

They already had communication issues before… Or: a malfunction with a healing pod leaves Lance able to speak only Spanish for a few days.

the idea of lance getting stuck in spanish and then almost immediately using that to flirt with keith without him knowing. like. i love that SO much that is quite possibly one of the funniest concepts to exist

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

[mwagneto]

sherlock & co. review from an insane person (me) coz this is like. the 25th? sherlock adaptation i've checked out so ofc i have opinions on everything ever. and ik ppl who work on indie podcasts browse tumblr sometimes so just in case you work on this DON'T click keep reading, this post is not for youuu shoo. thanks x

ok so far it's like. fine? which is lowkey sad coz i wish it was smtg i really liked but it hasn't gripped me yet which is a shame but yknow. early days. i'm giving it time since it's only 15 episodes so far

my main issue is like. i really wish it wasn't so obviously influenced by bbc but it just so clearly is which is a shaaame like it's better than bbc in every aspect but yknow. not a high bar to clear. like it kinda feels like they liked a lot of things abt bbc and set out to fix the bad parts (h&w friendship being nonexistent, the mysteries being shit) but just kept the rest? in some places keeping things that were invented by bbc which is. baffling tbh

i'm not really picky when it comes to h&w personalities like i think it's fine to just do whatever you want w them, i think it's really fun when an adaptation gives them different personalities than what you're used to but, and this is where it feels far too bbc-ish for comfort, i just don't like it when sherlock is a cunt for no reason? like. he's not a mean person he's only mean in bbc coz moffat thought house md was cool and ripped it off. can we stop making him mean pleeeease 😭 he's just some guy..................

h&w relationship wise it's like... ok so i tend to go into adaptations with a fully clean slate so like i never let my general attachment to them influence how i view them in specific adaptations, the work itself needs to sell me on both the characters and the relationship and like... here neither of those really happened yet which makes me sad coz i think by now it should've but i'm giving it time. at least they're friends and i like that watson is useful for cases/knows things holmes doesn't sometimes coz thats like. such an essential element to sh stories for me and a loooottt of adaptations tend to just completely forget it so that's a win but idk if anything they're too tame? like i dont expect a romance but they can't just be casual friends they need to be bat shit crazy about each other. to me. but like maybe that'll develop over the rest of the podcast we'll see

kinda related to that point but case-wise i think holmes is a bit too ahead of everyone else sometimes which isn't inherently a problem but it does once again smell of bbc which like. noone should ever emulate moffat writing don't do that 🙏 god bles. but i've been able to solve every case along with/before the mcs which is like. thee point of mystery stories for me so yea i really like the stories themselves so far, especially the way they manage to make them solvable even without visuals or narration. OH and i almost forgot but i rly like the soundtrack, i love it when sh soundtracks have a heavy emphasis on violins coz. yknow

howeverr i am on my hands and knees begging them not to give watson a girlfriend tho like please oh myfffucking god . obvs watsonlock doesn't usually factor into my enjoyment of adaptations given that like. y'know. out of the hundreds out there theres only two where either of them is even gay so it's not something i expect nor require but like. to me it is essential that these two ppl are insane abt each other and don't really have anyone else, definitely noone important. like even the rdj movies got this despite ritchie's obsession w the 2 men 1 woman dynamic so idk why i'm constantly having to wage a war against random unnecessary romances for either watson or, god forbid, holmes. when the only interesting relationship either of these men have is with each other. that one granada holmes quote about them choosing not to include mary coz holmes and watson dont need anyone else etc etc. like i seriously dislike it when they introduce anyone else like cmonnnnnn thog dont care

anyway tldr. i guess if asked to pick a short description i'd say. promising? i hope it's gonna be good in the long run. the way they do mysteries is already something i like so. i hope they keep that up and i hope the h&w relationship evolves into something i enjoy coz so far i'm like. i can see the bones of smtg i'll potentially like but it's not there yet. but also like. this is an indie production i'm listening to for free so ion wanna rip into it these are mainly just what i liked/disliked based on the preferences i developed with this one quick trick (grow up completely insane abt sherlock holmes -> consume every adaptation that you can get your paws on -> no profit)

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

I re-read my post about chapters 22-30 and I realized that theres so much I just fully forgot to mention, mostly relating to the inner circle so heres a quick summary of my thoughts about each ic member now that Im about halfway through the book and have spent some time with them. To briefly recap my previous thoughts, I think their group dynamic is insanely uncomfortable because of how apparent their hierarchy is and also none of them seem to actually like each other all that much

Amren

I dont dislike her in the sense that I dont dislike her personality or the basic concept of her character, but I do hate that shes in the inner circle at all. Like, whats this eldritch creature trapped in a body thats not her own doing hanging out with all these boring people ass people FOR 500 YEARS dude, if I had to spend 500 years with Rhysand I would destroy the entire night court regardless of whether or not I had Amren-levels of power. Like, why on earth would she be satisfied playing second fiddle to Rhysand and living in an APARTMENT in his stupid °•~City of Starlight~•° when shes supposed to be like a billion years old and a thousand times more powerful than him. I feel like itd be interesting to explore that but I know that we really dont from watching cari can read's summaries, so she just ends up being a character thats supposed to be interesting because shes so mysterious but is actually so shrouded in intrigue that it turns around and she just becomes boring again

Mor

When I first met her I said that something about her bothered me but I couldnt put my finger on what it was, but that I still kinda liked her because she atleast annoyed Rhysand. She really hasnt annoyed Rhys in any way since her and Feyres first meeting so I like her less because of that and also because shes mostly just boring to me at the moment. I think another reason why I dont particularly like her is that she feels so intrinsically tied to the misogyny of this world that just suddenly materialized in this book and its really annoying, I would like to avoid that subplot as much as possible. She basically just exists to give Feyre a female friend at the Night Court and to show her that you can totally girlboss your way out of a misogynistic system! But you cant dismantle the system because uhhhhhhhh. change is like a glacier because its slow

Also, shes obviously meant to parallel Ianthe, like shes supposed to be the better version of her, but I cant even imagine her and Feyre making out sloppy style toxic yuri edition so I cant really see her as any kind of improvement. sorry

Cassian

One of my least favourite character types is Fratbro But You Put Him In A Fantasy Setting so Im not the biggest fan of this guy ngl. The one redeeming quality he has is that hes very obviously crushing on all of his friends bisexual style, especially Rhys and Azriel. Its almost a little sad but mostly its just very funny. Like whyd you wanna take their clothes at the illyrian camps so badly huh? You like seeing pretty boys squirm around naked?

Unfortunately, I know that hes gonna end up with Nesta and that hes not even gonna treat her well, my guy is gonna go from being gay because he likes men to being gay because he hates women and I am not looking forward to it

Speaking of Nessian, a lot of sjm critical anti nessian people say that Nesta and Cassian used to be so good and so genuinely romantic in ACOWAR and that their relationship got completely ruined in ACOSF and. I mean, granted they dont ever talk about Cassian behaviour towards Nesta during the meeting at her house in ACOMAF but I hated the way he was just so angry at her on Feyre's behalf when she wasnt even that mad herself, she just felt weird and bad. Of course, I havent read ACOWAR yet and I might change my mind in the future but right now, I'll just say it doesnt surprise me that Cassian would laugh at Nesta falling down the stairs

Azriel

My favourite guy!!! Out of this bunch I mean. My favourite guy in the entire ACOTAR series is probably Lucien, but if we're just talking about the jokers from the Night Court, then this guy is my favorite

I really wasnt expecting much from him, I thought he would have absolutely no personality from what Ive heard other people say about him, but hes basically exactly what I want in an edgy traumatized shadow boi. Ive talked about this before but I really dislike Rhysand and part of that is that I normally really like the archetype of the tortured edgy love interest with shadow powers but he makes it so goddamn annoying by being so flirty and cocky I just want to see him dead. But Azriel is quiet so he doesnt bothr me and also theres some intrigue about his backstory and the extend of his powes but he feels like a solid enough character that he doesnt become boring to me like Amren

I will say though, theres something particularly uncomfortable about watching anyone from the inner circle interact with him and vice versa, I think its because he seems like he doesnt actually like them more than anything else. Ive said this in a previous post, I think Cassian wants to be in a relationship good friends with him and he seems to think they have some good sunshine guy/grumpy guy banter going on but to me it just seems like Azriel genuinely dislikes him. And then he obviously doesnt trust Amren and I feel like hes in love with Mor and has been for a really long time but doesnt actually like her, I honestly feel like hes just sticking by Rhysand because he feels like he owes him and because it gives him an excuse to be close to his crush

Yknow, that I think about it maybe thats why I like him so much. I dont like the Inner Circle, he doesnt like the Inner Circle, thats a relatable king right there

[fraudulent-cheese]

OK SO I'VE WATCHED EPISODES 2 TO 4 OF SEASON 2 OF TOTAL DRAMA 2023

MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!!!!

I think these episodes were... fine. I think the third might've been the best one overall, i liked the challenge and it was pretty fun; especially seeing MK fucking cheating and the team's reactions. i think Ripper not interacting with his team is good actually, because he's funnier on his own or when he's crushing on Axel.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: i didn't expect for Ripaxel to win me over... at all? But i think it's pretty cute actually! I think it's funny seeing Ripper crushing on the girl that spent the entire previous episode trying to commit violence on him. He's ridiculous when trying to impress her in episode 2, their interactions in episode 3 were also fun (they managed to make a fart joke plot relevant! how??) and i really enjoy how in episode 4 the dude went out of his way to make something she'd like (the little poem he made her!). I REALLY don't think Ripper's interested at all in poetry so i think it's cute :D ALSO THEY'RE STILL IN THE GAME SO WE MIGHT SEE MORE FROM THEM. MAYBE IT'LL FULLY CONVINCE ME!! Honestly i think it could've been worse! Could've been a whole lot worse! She could've been kissing Chase. That's all im saying.

What i do know is that Priya x Caleb is NOT gonna convince me. I genuinly do not care it's insane. they are just here to be straight and i don't think they'll convince me. (especially since im pretty sure Caleb just wants an alliance)

Fellas... we might be getting Rajbow divorce. Or at least an actual conflict in their relationship that they'll need to work throughout the season; i really hope they don't split up but also they might just split up over this and i am NOT READY.

I'll go over the eliminations + challenges before i go over my favorite aspect of these episodes: Chase getting booted second is amazing. Glad he's not here anymore and im glad Emma got to take her revenge on his dumbass. Im more mixted on Millie being kicked off this early? sure she wasn't gonna last until the end but the conflict between her team just felt! so! forced! Guys, Damien's alive, and he's FINE NEXT EPISODE CAN YOU GUYS CALM THE FUCK DOWN??? I know it was a breach of trust but she did it to win the challenge and it WORKED! And she got booted for it! Emma getting eliminated this early also kinda stings, especially the remarks about her gut feelings being wrong (but then they were right so like,,, what is your point). I do think her not being as good at reading people as she thought is a good conflict but i don't like how it's excecuted.

As for challenges: I think a straight up basketball one would've been cool (take notes, season rewritters!), but the basketball slides was pretty fun too. The sticky sap one is really fun too, it's got plenty of potential. the one in episode 4 is real eh, i would've preferred a straight up would you rather with a lie detector maybe? but oh well!

what i did like tho? MKULIA!!! I LOVE THEM BEING FRIENDS!!! THEY ARE FLERTING SM

THEY'RE JUST BE GAY DO CRIME OMGGGG THEY BETTER FUCKING KISS I SWEAR TO GOD

I WILL SIMPLY COMMIT CRIMES IF THEY DONT END UP BEING CANON

im exaggerating obviously but FR!!! They are canon to me!!! I fucking hope MK doesn't immediatly get eliminated in episode 5 because if she does i will cry

OK! LETS HOPE I DIDNT JINX ANYTHING BY SAYING THESE WORDS!

[winderlylandchime]

I swear i thought i replied to some of your questions a few days ago but i’m starting to think that I might’ve forgotten to and now i feel bad. But to summarize it: When we first started watching, he thought that Gale looked a little bit like Ashton Kutcher (but older version) and it was the funniest thing ever to me. He did only talk about it in the pilot though. Btw I am more and more tempted to later on give him Gale’s out of the box interview to watch. Or Randy’s podcast. He has been asking me about the actors a lot lately and if they still act and where are they and if theyre all still friends and I’m avoiding answering because well, one of them abandoned his podcast and the other one we dont even know if he’s still alive until we get a new photo. But I do wonder how he will react when he finds out Gale is straight ngl because right now he fully thinks Gale is gay irl.

Also yes, he has been going on and on about Brian’s growth and how he’s changed since he clocked it around 4th episode. He is so happy that he’s growing and allowing himself to be happy and in love even if he doesn’t want to admit it, that i just know the second 5x01 will start, he will have a mental breakdown and it will be very valid of him.

Your celebrities/therapist story actually made me curious now because how can a celeb that is well known, even get a therapist then without weirdness. I had no clue this was kind of a thing. And yes! My brother would absolutely launch into a discussion about Gale without shame, he’d have pictures and everything ready for it. I mean his confidence when it comes to talking to literally anyone about anything in his life (usually interests and shit he’s done thats funny to him or in this case the show) is impressive as fuck but also for an innocent bystander like me? actually a nightmare to be around that. He truly doesn’t give a single fuck and has zero shame and all the confidence in the world and idk how he does it. He just tells anyone who will listen (not in a trauma dumping type of way but like his interests and such? No shame) to give an example: when he was in high school he made an entire poster presentation for his class to talk about his love for the movie School of Rock and HE DID IT BY SINGING A FAKE ROCK N ROLL SONG (id give anything to remember the lyrics). Mind you, the presentation was supposed to be about current events in politics/world and School of Rock came out like a year or two prior. So you best believe he would do the exact same for Gale or more importantly QAF/Brian/Britin. And as someone who does shy away from talking about qaf just because it is a lot, he on the other hand truly gives zero fucks. Because when we started watching the show, he was fully explaining to the nurses/doctors/anyone that listened(our parents!!!) about how the show is AND HOW BRITIN MET! He TALKED ABOUT THE RIM JOB! I NEVER EVEN FUCKING TOLD YALL THAT! HE TALKED TO OTHER HUMANS ABOUT THE RIM JOB! AND HE WAS FULLY EXPLAINING IT bc he was shocked and surprised at how they filmed it and couldn’t figure out if that meant gale really did do it or not. So if you ever feel like maybe you’ve overshared about something you like and it keeps you up at night. Fear no more because my brother has for sure shared even more and has zero regrets about it.

It is hard to believe Gale is straight because he is that good of an actor and just went fully into the role and really thought deeply about who Brian is. Ugh it hurts my heart to think about just because it’s so full of appreciation for Gale and Randy.

I think you could show him any media that was released while the show was airing. But maybe avoid anything more current? Until he’s done and his heart is broken. He is going to be so upset by all the back pedaling in s5. Which is the correct reaction.

(I kinda love how as a fandom we’re like this is on the writers because Brian would never. Justin would never.)

I have a specific approach I take when I have celebrity clients and I think I could be a therapist to someone I’m a casual fan of. I could never be a therapist to someone I’m actively in a fandom for. I would have to leave the fandom, for starters.

HE TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT THE RIMMING SCENE!?! Oh my god. Anon you have to at least have him listen to Randy’s podcast episode about bottoming where he essentially said that Justin was too naive to do any prep and therefore someone experienced would have never rimmed him without making him at least shower first.

However I will feel so much better about over sharing now. Because holy shit I’ve never overshared like that.

[itsonlygayiftheballsdonttouch]

i have thoughts about the witcher qnd here ghey are: )

- i dont think i understand the central conflict at all, but i am enjoying the little gay people

- i like the monsters, those are cool. especially the 'experiment' one that was made of people and the people were like yelling at geralt not to kill them?? thats how you do a good monster. its gruesome AND tragic

- i cannot tell all the characters apart

- LOVE what Radovid and Jaskier have going on. it was pretty obvious from the start that they liked each other but im so used to shows not delivering on these things that it was still a fun little surprise when they actually got together

- also i just like radovid in general hes cute

- geralt and yennefer parenting ciri together is so sweet

- one thing im confused about is if the mages can change their appearance to be better looking, why is stregobor still fuck ugly

like does he not have the coin to get his brows threaded??

- valdo marx and his troupe were giving Glee (valdo is obviously rachel berry)

- i have so not been paying attention to cahir that i just fully dont understand whats going on with him

- i cannot stand violence against cats so i was kinda relieved that rience didnt hurt the cat even if he did kill those people and set the house on fire

- im glad fringilla got to party after she escaped prison, love that for her

- the random dutch names that keep popping up keep taking me OUT. what do you MEAN you have to go to vuilpanne?? you have to go to dirty pans?? you need to do dishes there??

also dijkstra being pronounced deek-stra instead of dyke-stra

- idk if theyre still gonna replace henry cavill but i hope they dont. although i did feel like he didnt have as much screen time this season so maybe they are setting something up idk

- i think i need a map to understand whats going on bc everyone keeps talking about the north and the continent and all these fuckass kingdoms and i cant place any of it

- the bearded blacksmith lady having a wife was a fun little lgbt moment and idk if it was meant as an innuendo or not but "my wife rather likes my head" is so funny

- king visimir (or however the fuck you spell taht) constantly ignoring dijkstra and making his own decisions until dijkstra pulls a se7en on him. thats entertainment

[bumblyburg]

ted lasso finale thoughts

Need the richmond women's team spinoff NOW!!!!!!!!!!! And it better have LESBIANS i swear to god!!!!!!!

As always the strongest part of this ep was the team dynamics. Roy joining the diamond dogs. Isaac with the penalty kick!!!! The fucking dance sequence callback T^T theres no place like afc richmond <3 Them winning the match but losing the whole thing was a good balance of success vs realism. I didn't know enough about football to predict it beforehand LOL but that probably worked in my favor bc i genuinely didnt know whether they would win or lose. Rebecca and ted's friendship was heartwarming as always. I was living in fear that they'd become a couple even though i knew that wasn't what the writers were going for, so I probably need to rewatch to fully enjoy it.

Tedependent lost RIP. it would have made sense but at the same time im kinda glad they didn't, at least this season. trent was still very much a side character and i just don't think the story beats were there for tedtrent endgame. the story would have had to been constructed differently, or it would need another season. I also liked how the main focus was ted & rebecca's friendship rather than either of their romantic relationships. I love a good romance but its not what this story is about.

Thats part of the reason why the dutchman return felt cheap to me lol. Sorry rebecca im always rooting for you but i just wasn't feeling it. Another part of that is probably because Ted and Trent had a much stronger foundation and we still didn't get to see even their friendship develop as much as i would have liked. Maybe ive been spoiled by all the trent this season idk. but i was just hoping for a little more. After all, it's not lost on me that we only got one confirmed gay couple at the end (we don't even know anything about Michael!!! Ugh sorry Im a michael hater he's so boring.)

Speaking of boring, I simply do not care about ted's family. So him moving back was... not really compelling for me. like none of the kansas characters are fleshed out at all. i wish they had done something more interesting with them so i could actually get invested. There was something there with michelle dating their couples therapist, but it ended up falling flat imo. Also Michelle being a teacher is a total copout, I would have preferred if she had an unexpected job that revealed a new side to her. Give her a personality outside of being a wife/mother/caretaker please and thank you.

I did like how Royjamie was left openended!!! thats the ship i care most abt and i knew it wasnt going to *actually* happen so im satisfied with what we got. I am in the (im assuming) minority of royjamie enjoyers that is against roykeeleyjamie. This episode really hammered it in why roy and jamie are not good for keeley LOL, but the signs have been there all along. Keeley needs to be her own boss for a bit! Roy and jamie are just not at her maturity level (lovingly), and they've got some misogyny to work through.

(I need to think on it more, but I'm pretty sure that I liked the way this episode/season handled the Roy And Jamie Are Lowkey Sexist subplot. Like the whole fighting over a woman thing is soooo trite atp, and i still dont know how i feel about them physically fighting over her or whatever. but the story was realistic about how these asshole male footballers are going to have some weird views about women, while still shutting that down those views. like not even giving them the time of day. Keeley literally shoos them out without a word LMAO. So idk need to think about it more but at least keeley didnt end up with either of them).

Hey you know who DOES deserve each other.... and makes each other better people, as represented by their football training arc.... the student is the teacher and the teacher is the student etc etc…… Anyways royjamie is real TO ME!!! (And brett goldstein and phil dunster, number one royjamie warriors. phil dunster wrote royjamie smut I will never get over that)

Overall im sad to see ted lasso go. i think i need to sit with all 3 seasons a bit more before forming my full opinion, but s1 will always have my heart. Mostly because evil jamie and evil rebecca are so so fun to watch.

[lou-blooms-bitch]

diary entry/vent

its currently 1:08 am and i fell asleep earlier for like 3 hours so fuck knows im probs not gonna sleep for a while

but either way i dont feel great like at all with myself. i feel ugly i feel worthlesss i feel gay,, sorry i had to reference that but its all true i just feel fucking awful about myself and i cant fucking do it anymore

and i just thought there about what my dad would say if he seen me like this he would just tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something with my life now i feel worse and theres tears coming out of my eyes.

but i just feel fucking terrible and the fact that i cant get help just makes it so much fucking worse like cahms ???? fuck them !!! every single last fucking one of those pricks !!!! i really hope they all fucking burn. none of those bastards ever gave a shit about me. they only ever seen me as a number instead of another teenage suicide tragedy waiting to happen. like i rally dont know any other answer to save myself from this hell than ending my own life.. i really want to die

and it fucking sucks cuz theres so much life ahead of me but i dont wanna live it. i feel like theres no reason for me to stay alive. i see everyone else around me being so happy and having such fun lives but im alwasy stuck at home in bed on my own with nothign and nibody aroubd me to help me feel better. and i could hamg out wioth my mam but its not the same as being with my friends and it never will be. and i wish it was becasue rthen i woudnt feel so alone but it just doenst fel the same

i really just want out from this fucked up world. if nobody is gonna help me i have to help myself but i dont know any other way of helping myself which isnt self harm, substances, or suicide

ive been thinking about ways i could kill myself a lot recently too. ive been thinking about a train, i could lay on the tracks in a way that decapitates me so like immediate death and less pain, or like hanging myself but that seems like itll tajke too long and i wouldnt want my mam or dad to find me. i feel like with a train its a lot easier. yeah rthe conducter and people on the train will walk away with trauma and i feel sorta bad for that but fuck me man i just really want out. ive been thinking a lot aswell about what id write in the note, i wouldnt wanna leave my family with questions. i think i would go onto reddit or something and ask about what peoples questions were when they lost someone to suicide and answer them in the note, and just write seperate notes to my different family members. id write one for my mam, my dad, and my sister 100000% maybe christine and declan too, probably my nanny and grandad, definitley one for emily, and maybe one for kaela just asking her to not end up like me. id write one for vicky too, holly aswell for sure, katie and alfie, tyler too theres no chance i wouldnt write one for him, i dont really know who else,, maybe sasha and sinead. idk. but i just wouldnt wanna leave anyone with questions.

im fully sobbing right now omfg kill me man i fucking hate being this way. its been five fucking years and nobody has helped. its getting to the point where i daydream about and wish i could just go to a mental doctor place or whatever the fuck and slit my wrists over and over to make them help me, give them no other choice but to help me.

and i feel so ugly too, inside and out. i hate it so much. i hate my face, my body, my voice, my thoughts, everything about myself i fucking hate. i feel so unlovable.

god and then theres the whole ''if you cant love yourself nobody can love you either'' fucking thing. i hatw it. i feel sick to my bones

ive been thinking of eating less too, try and keep my weight near 45kg or at least under 48kg. i know it wont make much of a difference in the way i look but ill feel better if i achieve that.

man i just want out. i dont want to live this way anymore. unless the doctors decide to actually fucking help me ill have to help myself.

the only thing stopping me from killing myself is the fact ill hurt my family, most of all my mam. shes tried so hard to help me and i feel so awful for it because i just wont get better. all ive ever wanted was to be something that makes my family proud but i just feel like im stuck this way forever. i feel irredeemable.

especially irredeemable (idek if thats how its spelled i rlly could not give a fuck tho lowkey) because i wanna make myself known and i want people to know my name so if i kill myself i wanna cause hell before i do it so wether im famous or infamous people will know who i am. like sometimes i see things about a school shooting and i just wanna get a gun and shoot the fuck out of my school and then myself. im not gonna do that because 1. i dont wanna ruin everyone elses lives just because mine is shit and 2. how the fuck am i supposed to get a gun ???? and then aswell theres only specific people id want to kill and the effort of finding them in their classes AND killing all of them before i get tackled to shreds is just so much effort that i dont have. and then if i dont want to kill anyone else id like to just get in the news at least. like go into town and kill myself in the middle of fuckin idk grafton street or something.

but i just want to go. i want to be gone. every day of my life since i was fucking eleven years old ive wanted out. i just want help.

im gonna go, my keyboards gone fucked again and im tired and feel like shit. bye

[xreallyanythingx]

First adult heartbreak

I stopped dating for almost 2 years basically after I came out due to a few important reasons. For one thing even though i did come out, i am fully aware i have not accepted myself in my own head about being gay. I still have homophobic thoughts and feel uncomfortable discussing the topic. Second, I cannot date while I live with my parents because that would mean bare minimum to my girlfriend and not treating her as she deserves. Third, i am not in a career and financial position where i see myself having time for a partner. All those reasons however do not make loneliness and human needs go away lol.

Fast forward to this past August, i met a beautiful wonderful girl on hinge. I was in the mindset of keeping things casual with whoever I met but things felt different with her. I have this mindset of if i meet someone i truly like and see a future with then the reasons i mentioned before would not matter and i would be serious about a relationship. When I took this girl on our first date, the second i laid eyes on her i got the feeling of “i will do absolutely anything and everything it takes to keep this woman in my life.” That date will forever be memorable to me because it was the first time i was in public with a romantic interest where i did not feel self conscious or embarrassed about. I did not care if everyone knew i was gay, fuck atp i wanted everyone to know i was on a date with such an amazing woman. I never felt that way before. We connected so well, she really as someone i saw a whole future with. For the next few weeks, i was another person imo. I was a happier, healthier, kinder, etc. I wanted to go above and beyond. I was truly understanding what people felt when they talk about love. I was excited. Then of course idk what happened. I perhaps allowed my anxious attachment habits crawl out and perhaps i overwhelmed her? I may have said something incredibly stupid. I may have given her the ick. I may have taken things too slow? I may have disrespected her? Maybe the whole time she was expecting something else? Maybe she really just didnt feel it anymore? Idk. Something happened and things stopped.

It’s been two months now since she ended things. I’ll be honest, i havent exaclty gotten over it… i am definitely doing better than the first 2 weeks but every day consists of thinking about her, checking up on her, reminiscing our conversations and trying to figure out what went wrong. I have talked about this a lot with myself and with my friends. I’m honestly just tired of these thoughts i have, even writing this post is dreadful because i dont want to talk or think about it anymore. Yet i find myself thinking about her almost every fucking minute im awake. Im tired of it.

I have came to my conclusions to this whole situation after 2 months. I do not regret meeting her because she showed me how much love i am capable of giving when i truly like someone. I have standards of who i should date and what i am capable of receiving. I will never ever let someone into my life that easily ever again no matter how sweet they seem to be (love bombing fucked me over lmao). I have said my peace (i literally told her how i felt and she still chose to leave) and therefore it is her decision to come back or not. We meet other people depending on where we ourselves are in life. Therefore i know i will meet someone better suited for me as i enter a new chapter in my life (aka moving out lol). I do not believe in soulmates, there are simply people that are very compatible with us and it is up to us to choose who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. I am proud to say I am who I am because of myself. Although she broke my heart, everything i built for myself was due to me and therefore i can rebuild myself again and better without her. All she did was uncover parts of myself i didnt know i had but regardless it was already there. Life was great before her and now life will be better without her.

I miss her dearly but ya me conozco tambien, i get over shit so i just have to actively put energy into myself again and allow time to do its thing. Its funny though because i feel like once I am over this situation, a part of me feels like its been permanently broken/tainted. When i have the moments where i feel okay, i still feel this cloud over me, a constant guard i have up. I dont know how to describe it but essentially i dont think i’ll ever be the same exact kind of happy i was before i met her. I’ll most definitely be happy again but never the same. I dont think thats a bad thing but its definitely interesting to think about.

24.

[raccoon0001]

November 20th, Monday 20:38

So, first of all, hello, Im Raccoon, well at least i would like to be one. Im 17 years old and i frequently write down my thoughts when i feel sad or angry in a pink notebook by my bed, for the past four maybe three years.

And lately i have been thinking of just trying to write down my thoughts everyday, about how i feel, to know what i am even feeling, and that I'm not just overwhelmed and impulsive at the moment. So i don't ruin my next week or day by obsessing over that one boy that smiled that one time at me or was funny. Because in reality he doesn't like me and i need to step down and realise that, but maybe he does and everything is not a big fat lie, but it is. At least for me, mostly. Everything, almost, everything is fine in my life, except for being kinda fat and not having a real, single boyfriend in my 17 years of living. I know that is not that much and what i am even worrying about, because i have the whole life ahead of me(i dont see myself living past 20). Well could kind of imagine it, but because of one thing and another i always thought i would not live past 18, but now i am 17 so its quite possible i will live past 18, dont really know what will happen afterwards.

Its kind of a dilemma i know to love someone u need to first love yourself and shit, but i really hate myself most of the time, i hate how i look, i hate how lazy i am, i hate stressful i am, i hate how sick i am...yada yada yada. I know there are physical things i am able to fix, but how do i know i just wont regress? Even now im imagining how this blog or whatever this is, is gonna get popular, and be turned into inspiration for poems or people, but after all this text is just my personal feelings, about myself, for myself, that dont really make sense sometimes, because my native language is not english lol and im typing in a hurry and then gonna prob put a pretty background or something and post it if i get the courage, well its a very big probability nobody is going to read this ever, bcs lets honest who reads blogs these days..

always the artist never the muse" i have been very attached to this quote(dont know who is the author) i even begun last year attending professional art school, so i will probably never be the muse even how much i want to be one. Its almost the same with taking pictures, im always taking pictures of others and there are almost never anyone taking picture of me without asking. Well i dont really like people specially taking pictures of me, because of how ugly i look, but still, i dont know. Theres this one friend who takes pictures of me, because that of other things that that person does makes me think im gay or that she likes me, because shes gay. I think im not gay. Like i would prefer a guy fucking my brains out not a girl, but i could never imagine anyone fucking me, mby i can.. hmm not rly, maybe because i have never been fucked, or my imagination is kinda weak. Well i am in art school so i thought it should be good, but lately, well after that thing in 2018 april, I think i have been in this one giant art block. Maybe i need to go to a therapist, to sort things out, not really sure.

I wish sometimes i was a boy. And i think i stink right now, fully emotionally and physically. Whats up with that.

I must have too many dreams and too little motivation.

I dont think i should have continued art, its too much, im not even good at painting, if i actually started practicing more maybe i would, but i think im still worse than most of my peers. And in this school there are mostly girls here and i know almost nobody outside the school and town bcs i didnt even live here two years ago, the ppl who have lived here their whole childhood dont even know where to turn to get a shortcut!

My goal this evening was to paint something, but somehow i started writing a blog..

I think i should have been better of dying that day in 2018. Im not good of a person and i dont really know if ill ever change. What does actually happen after death? Has anyone thought of that? I kind of think after you die its just all pitch black and then u suddenly open your eyes and there you are as your first memory u can think of at 10 years old or whatever, like 'snap' and there you are, but dont know who you were or who you will be. I kind of want to get into biology, but idk if a have the commitment for it.

Two days ago when i was a home visiting my family, after sauna, I was sitting by the table with some other cousins at my grandmas house and one of the older cousins, who was kinda drunk btw, asked me if i had a boyfriend, i thinking already of crying and just jumping down a building calmly said: "no, do i need one?". i want one.

I think my mom is homophobic, but. i also think that im not gay, but i will probably never get a bf, because ppl these days are very obsessed by how other ppl look from the outside mostly or i just dont know a lot of ppl and real life is not like the movies or manga that i read in my free time, that i should stop reading, maybe that would solve everything.

Also by wishing that i was a male, because it really seems to be bit easier to be a boy, how the world looks at you, and how theres a lot more chance of no rejection. Maybe im just living in my small minded world and have not that many ppl with different opinions on life that would make me understand that the world works differently. A lot of ppl around me also believe we are born to fulfil our one mission here on earth, i still dont see mine here, like ppl would be fine if i went and died and go on with they're life normally, because im just this one little spec of dust besides other 7 billion dust pieces, that separately are a nobody. Maybe my family would be devastated, but prob would be prepared for this kind of event about me and i think it would be much easier for my mum if i died, she worries too much about me.



Im just lonely.

A selfish bitch.

[gyrovagi]

so truthfully i'm pretty sure The Scenario as i have been referring to it originated in my brain as 'okay how contrived would a situation have to be for caden trevelyan and solas to have gay sex about it.' and then it got derailed as i thought about it and the scenario does not involve anything approaching gay sex. it's literally just a weird situation that nobody enjoys that changes nothing. (shrek they dont even have dental voice) caden doesn't even convince solas to cut off his leg

i've mulled it over too much though and i'm fully writing a fic (Which has made my recent google searches look fucking crazy) so now it's a canon incident for caden and is i think... if not exactly a turning point for his relationship with solas, it's Defining. if that makes sense.

anyway what happens is at some ambiguous mid-late-game stage, maybe even right after exiling the wardens, caden makes it his next priority while corypheus is firmly on the backfoot to clear out the red templars in emprise du lion. (i know judging by levels the game wants you to go here lies the abyss -> wicked eyes and wicked hearts but caden would prioritize the politics.)

this is going great! up until right after capturing suledin keep, he fucking collapses in the middle of the stairs. turns out he's been walking around on a pretty nasty leg wound that's been infected by red lyrium. there's inquisition troops in the area and a healer among them but solas is undeniably the best healer on hand (and the only mage). so now he's in the position of - for the second time - keeping this guy alive when he can really only guess about the thing killing him. the new developments are 1) cassandra isn't threatening him with execution if caden dies, though the power vacuum if the inquisitor perished now would definitely not be pretty 2) solas and caden have barely restored what can charitably be called a 'semi-functioning working relationship' after caden punched him in the face.

(varric and cole are here also. cassandra's back at skyhold dealing with the Rammys of seeker secrets and potential divine candidacy.)

after some tense aggressively polite conversations about power and vulnerability, several cryptic comments from cole, and one episode of house md, solas finally figures out that caden quit lyrium cold turkey and hadn't told anyone except his advisors, cassandra, and the apothecary who was trying to work out something to help with his + cullen's withdrawal. it follows that lyrium withdrawal has weakened him and caused the red lyrium infection to progress as dramatically as it has. solas concludes that there are essentially two options: try to cut the infection out, which being kind of out in the middle of nowhere with limited supplies means a very real risk of losing the whole leg if not dying anyway, or (temporarily) go back on lyrium, in the hopes that with untainted lyrium back in caden's system, it will be able to counteract the effects of the red lyrium. solas has conducted a few experiments that seem to indicate this would work.

caden, being the stubborn asshole he is, goes. cut my leg off then. i'm not going back on lyrium. and solas is like in any other situation i would respect your decision, if not your reckless methodology, but this has gone past obstinance into sheer stupidity. this is no mundane ailment. red lyrium is dangerous and you are extremely vulnerable at the moment. what i am suggesting is temporary and you can wean off safely this time. if you do not do it you will die. caden replies not if you cut my leg off :) i'll do it if you don't have the stomach for it. and solas storms out of the room and angrily requests varric talk some sense into trevelyan as a friend since apparently the boy (Caden is 25.) has lost his fucking mind

varric of course is not very happy about the idea of amputation either but caden cannot be budged and there's not a lot of time to wait around for him to change his mind. solas briefly seriously debates the ethics of putting lyrium in the wine. and the pasta. ultimately he decides that this isn't justifiable, even if he doesn't care that caden would never forgive him for it, he wouldn't be able to live with it himself. what he can live with is calling caden's bluff.

so solas brings in Ye Olde Thedosian Amputation Instruments and tells caden, if you insist this is your decision, very well. but i refuse to do it. you said you'd do it yourself, so you can, and i'll make sure you don't bleed to death. caden of course meant it when he said it but that's still a whole different beast from actually Cutting Off Your Own Leg. of course he can't do it.

caden fumes silently for several minutes. solas ends up watching him limp out to retrieve his lyrium kit (which caden's kept in his things, of course, because it doesn't count if it's not an active choice he makes every day). his hands shake preparing the dose but he snaps at solas when offered help. when he finally downs it he asks simply to be left alone. there's not much we have to say to each other, i think.

within a week or so, his condition's much improved. owain shows up because he received word that a) his brother was in bad shape b) there's dragons need hunting. bull came with for dragon hunting and maybe also so he could give a direct report to the qun on whatever the hell the red lyrium situation is out here. (sidenote because i've been thinking it and i need to shoehorn it in somewhere i'm not saying owain and bull fuck but i'm not saying they wouldn't fuck.) caden decides it's probably best to minimize mage exposure to red lyrium so he suggests solas head back to skyhold and help figure out the next move against corypheus. he goes on a kind of awkward brotherly dragon hunting expedition with owain.

the whole incident is never discussed again ❤️ caden is pretty pissed remembering the whole thing when solas DOES give him an impromptu amputation. oh so if you're arguably at fault for my limb requiring amputation then you have no qualms cutting it off.

(i'm undecided between caden having successfully quit lyrium by trespasser, or if it's too evil to be like. actually once the red lyrium infection set in to that point it could never be fully cured just held back by going back on lyrium, so actually caden's options are still either take lyrium or cut your leg off or die. need to ponder the shrimplications for his character and their relationship and the themes and narratives of it all.)

well i guess the inaugural post (apart from my personal friend bluebeard's wife) gets to be this whiteboy sketch that i drew and then stared at like. this is too much. i dont know how exactly but in some way its too much