#like i dont have to worry about taking it too seriously
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MSPaint Michael dump
#at this point my mspaint art folder is bigger than my fr art folder#mspaint#tma#michael shelley#michael distortion#theres juts something theraputic about drawing in mspaint to me#like i dont have to worry about taking it too seriously#i can juts doodle with my mouse and listen to youtube#anyways i have more but most of them are weird because theyre like drawn to go along with stuff ive made with my S2S ai voice model of shel#shelley* hit the tag lenght limit#i just vibe w pre distortion michael ok i want a happy ending for my boi
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i know too fucking much about qsmp badboyhalo.
#and also. not enough#that one big summary of his Deal was like . 1k words.#and it brushed over so much shit#like his trust issues and the vacation arc and his criminal background (on qsmp) and the way he was the first to take protecting the#eggs seriously and i dont even KNOW enough about his relationship with maxo and the french that is a big blindspot for me but bad and max#(and foolish?) og founders of the theory bros the first people who started questioning cucurucho and then the french his family the people#who keep proving to be on his side over and over and i love it when he hangs out with pierre and talks create#and when he chills with antoine and helps fix the big spinning ring#and his WEIRD warrior's bond with etoiles (bad always gets along with the protectors have you noticed that#forever was the second big egg protector and baghera took care of pomme from the start and cellbit threw himself to the feds to try to help#the island and etoiles took the weight of the code attacks from bad's shoulders to his own in entirety. he respects them all a lot and i am#chewing him to pieces)#and his relationship with baghera!!!! she can read him so so well and he fucking trusts her enough to be dapper's mom#he may have felt weird about it and was jealous and :c because tahts HIS dapper but#he didn't kill her about it#or really do anything to discourage it#and he noticed her tear streaks and her leg and got Worried about the federation 'fixing' her and#genuinely he was so so happy when he realized she was back he went !!! mode#look. LOOK at these fucking tags. look back at the post. i can Keep Talking.#my point remains i know too fucking much about qsmp badboyhalo#shit and i didn't even TALK about his weird bullshit with foolish#i need a giant corkboard
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gamers I love unions and everything but Uh Oh. UH OH. Canada post just voted YES to strike literally 2 weeks before my contract with them is supposed to start. They all may walk out as soon as Nov 3rd and my contract starts on Nov 17th ;-;
Like again I’m definitely ALL for unions but!! Uh oh!! My fucking JOB!!! They may strike for longer than my contract even lasts and since I’m part time and wouldn’t have received a pay check at that point I don’t think I’d receive anything from the union fund (which is okay because I wouldn’t feel right taking from it anyway)
I’m hoping the government is gonna bend quickly because of the holiday season but with how profitable Amazon is over the post office I kindaaa think they’re gonna drag it out and test their luck. Which is :(
Fucking MAN.
#apparently college teachers voted yes to strike too but my teacher said it would take a little while for them to actually get a strike to#happen. so I MAY be okay. but now I’m seriously worried about my hours#I’m in plant operations and I’m not super sure how unions work so I’m not sure if that’ll be disrupted? cuz I’ve heard it’s like certain#areas of Canada that strike at a time so people don’t. like. fucking die.#BUT I DONT KNOW THIS IS MY FIRST JOB AND MY FIRST UNION#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#;-;#i guess I’ll have to wait to see what happens but fucking I hate when things start looking up and then BAMMMMMMMM right back down it goes#again I love unions they’re 👍👍 power to the people but like. I’m gonna be devestated#serenade posts
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in our year 2k25 we'll find out if i have any basic hu*man rights :)
#politics cw#ferre said something i hope it was dumb ( ooc. )#if im allowed one vent post#it's this one#yeah im not surprised she lost....but also#how do you lose THAT badly#like literally. she just had to do one thing#ONE THING#and the election would have been in the bag for her#Look at me going to a bar to cope#(its bc a friend is performing live music and i don't want to sit in my room alone rn )#Its not okay but....we'll make it work#We'll have to make it work#i have ppl i can rely on dont worry too much about me#but seriously take care of yourselves- and each other.#vent cw
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#i will warn you only once: tsc spoilers#literally just finished it as i am drafting this its 5am where i live#so you may be subjected to some nonsense#that all being said i have thoughts.and feelings#the kevin was lovely and tasted delicious! jean defending him at every turn even when he swears to hell and back he'll kick his ass#the kevjean was surprising i was only half expecting that#the dog metaphors i have to say i need this one cashed in. nora run me my check#im joking of course dont quote me on it#jean taking kevins promise to the end and living on it is seriously so. well.#'be careful with him' 'take kevin's name out of your ignorant mouth' 'you promised me'#also kevin getting called the court's queen had me tender and on my back oml#jean's relationship with the trojans is sweet and he is very interesting and complicated#a character with many moving parts im sure#there were a few things i did not care for#namely jeremy and the trojans felt remarkably flat to me bar lucas (by far the most interesting) and catalina on occasion#i didnt quite enjoy jeremy's pov and felt like he spent perhaps way too much time worrying over jean? if that makes sense#i wish he had some more complexity to him or really anything to catch a hook on#all we know is hes attractive and smiley and gets along terribly with his family#so much of his character is sucked out by jean he didnt feel like much more than a plot device to me#which i wouldnt mind if jeremy wasnt the literal main character alongside jean#i was living for everything jean thought but had to drag myself through jeremy's pov if im honest#uuuuh what else. neil! funny. deranged. i have to love him#andrew couldnt give less of a fuck about jean which is funny as all fuck#two bugs placed in the same habitat ignoring each other#the thing with elodie i thought was complicated. i wish we knew some more about her or that shed been mentioned a little earlier#but im assuming thats a topic to be revisited#uuuuuuuh yeah so thats most of it. i think my first thought and the one that sticked out the most to me is that the book felt remarkably#pedestrian#not necessarily in a bad way#it lacked to me one of the main appeals of aftg which were the numerous interesting side characters
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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I can't believe the Younger Brother (1689) by Aphra Behn has the only one bed trope
#act iv scene i#olivia is in disguise as mirtilla's page endimion and she's wooing welborn on her own behalf#and welborn is like well im hosting a gentleman in my lodgings right now but u can sleep w me#and olivia is like uhmmm uhmmm i can't do that not for any particular reason i just can't sleep in ur bed#(bc she's modest but she is kinda tempted. but also worried if she denies too hard he might suspect her of being actually a woman)#and he's like what are you afraid my bed's diseased? do u think im gay? im telling u there's nowhere else for us both to sleep#im not gonna make u sleep on the floor kid#PLEASE#the younger brother might be one of my new favorites from behn. i haven't finished it yet but it kinda has everything i love from her#mirtilla in particular is such an interesting character#text post#aphra behn#restoration comedy#in the edition edited by janet todd for vol. 7 of the collected works#i believe it's based off of the original quarto text that was published after behn's death#i highly suspect a lot of this prose dialogue is supposed to be blank verse#SO. MUCH. of it flows exactly like blank verse. it kinda bothers me#i do dream about editing and publishing my own edition of behn's plays and i would definitely amend these to be verse#i wonder if montague summers' version is verse? idk this is the first janet todd edited play ive read#i dont yet know the differences between their editing styles#god i wish more than 2 ppl in history had ever bothered to edit and publish this woman's collected works#oxford world classics should definitely put out another volume of her plays#i love the one they have featuring the rover/feigned courtesans/lucky chance/emperor of the moon#but she's got what like 15 other extant plays? and oxford world classics has the range and capabilities to do it#or if penguin classics ever wants to pretend they're really as good as oxford they can print their own#as far as diversifying the canon and widening the availability of older texts. oxford still beats penguin any day#but it does piss me off that no classic book publishers take this period of early-modern women's drama and proto-novels very seriously#or rather. no big ones that i know other than oxford#im not counting print-on-demand companies that reprint the texts of public domain works w no editing#those serve a purpose but those are not leaders in the publishing industry for a reason. theyre not sposta be
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they rejected my application :(
#i mean i knew that they were going to. i literally do not have the degree they want#but sometimes it feels as if people in this field don't take me seriously because im young lol#like they assume that my experience just Does Not Apply because im not in my 40s#its fine. i never told anyone irl i applied for the job so i don't have to worry about that (ty past me) (i almost said it like 10 times)#when the time comes for me to REALLY start job hunting ill start taking rejections more personally but this was a good experience i think#them giving me a rejection at all and not just ghosting me was actually a huge relief tbh#am i supposed to respond to the rejection email? i guess i will?#dont burn your bridges etc#it feels a little weird saying ty for the opportunity when they didn't even interview me#but this whole corporate bullshit is just empty tradition at this point so whatever#anyway the GOOD news is that my really big name reference told my current boss (as a joke but still) that he wanted to steal me from her#he works for the state which would be an INCREDIBLE opportunity if he was in any way serious#so when the time comes ill be casually mentioning to him that im job hunting and we'll see where it goes#literally every conference ive been to people know his name and ask where he is so im hoping he will have enough pull to let a fresh grad in#two different people (both also rather big names in the field) have told me that he thinks really highly of me#and while working with him was a little bit like pulling teeth i don't really have the option to be choosy rn lol#anyways. im disappointed but not surprised#it was a remote position too :( oh well
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I hate being told how 'strong' I am when I say I'm so tired.
#i know the whole 'black women strong' thing is yknow a thing#but im tired of being 'strong' im tired of 'enduring' and nobody takes me seriously#all ive done all my life is endure and tolerate#I literally hate being alive. i hate being told 'youre too strong to cave' 'youre too smart to do anything bad'#I cannot stress how badly I would throw away my entire life just to belong to someone and not have to worry about it all anymore#like all i want is to either not be alive or to belong to someone to the point I dont have to think about anything anymore#that sound bad but I literally do not care. I would kill for someone to pat my head and wait for them to come home like a lonely puppy#im so tired of being a human when my existence is pain.#the worst thing you can tell a person who is tired of struggling is how good they are at struggling and to keep struggling
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I can't sleep again.
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#лёва паспрабуе АДК#it's not about that. i'm just tired.#(stayed up too late for the first time in a while)#well... it compounded the issues.#i look like some guy with my blurry vision and yet its not enough and i dont know WHY#i do know why. have you ever not been seen?#flipped the coin from independence within my grasp to nothing is ever going to get me out of here#not even 'getting out of there' got me out#i can't wait for guard season again but i'm worried it's only going to put me right back into the depression mines#... seasonal depression notwithstanding#i need to make a choice at auditions and its whether i will be out; as me - and hopefully have a better season because of it#or just... stay like this. forever.#... my consult is right before second auditions pretty much. schedule that month is looking full..#anyways its not fair of me to expect anyone to check in on me#especially when one of my housemates seems to ... Also be going through it#and i can tell you now which of us is actually likely to talk about it and its NOT me#i'm not built for this idk. i never should have taken her up on that job offer.#...... i'm thinking about relapsing again. more seriously considering it.#i KNOW it's not good i KNOW it won't help but i dont know what fucking else will!!!!#remember when it felt like i was getting hobbies again?? so much for that..#.. i need to pull life into my *own* control but i need help to get there#and i can't even imagine being fully independent#... even if i'm taking all the right steps to get there#the MOST annoying revelation was that i could Maybe Actually benefit from therapy and the second most was that if i tell her this there is#almost no way any therapist she finds will be queer friendly#going to dig myself out of it. as always. mostly just not pushing myself right now but GOD does it suck.
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im kinda jealous of how involved american colleges are. like your professors actually take a personal interest in you? my tutors all barely remember peoples names and most of them don’t even try. you have mandatory classes? i went to 1 class out of 13 for one of my units this semester because i couldn’t make myself go. you are failing or need extra credits? the professor can choose to give you some. maybe it’s just my uni but they do NOT give extra credit no matter what. we don’t even get supplementary assessments so if you do badly you’re just fucked. extensions go through the uni itself and not the teaching staff. you have multiple classes per subject a week? ok maybe not all colleges but i feel like if i had more than one to go to i would show up more and would also get to actually know the people in my degree. i am four years into this and i have like. 2 friends who study law and we aren’t even in the same stage of the degree. one of my old unit coordinators was american and she had such a culture shock coming to my uni because of how detached it is. she tried to structure the unit in a way that encouraged students to actually show up to class and get to know people in the classes and she had to change it because it went against uni policy.
#im obviously stereotyping american colleges#but i think the one thing that gets me is that it seems pretty common for american professors to be able to actually help struggling#students#like you can speak to unit coordinators at my uni obviously#but they can only give you advice they can’t actually do anything tangible to help#i think it’s also a My Uni thing#my brothers uni is way more involved#and like i know it’s not always a good thing like it’s a lot harder for people to have jobs when uni is so demanding#but my uni barely has classes we don’t have in person lectures there’s no connection between teaching staff and students#there’s no supplementary assessments (which my brothers uni has and im so jealous)#im graduating at least a semester late now because i had to drop classes before i failed them#and if i had supplementary assessment i might have been able to salvage my grade#ALSO before anyone gets mad at me like i said im stereotyping i know all colleges aren’t like the movies n shit#but all the americans i’ve spoken to who have done college in america seem really shocked with my uni experience#part of me wants to switch unis but at this point im kinda committed and i dont want to have to#worry about credit transfers and repeating classes#and i dont think the other main uni has the same type of double degree im doing anyway#don’t take this too seriously it’s just a vent post
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the aftermath of having 2 terabytes of storage
#i have never had a computer this nice lmao#i'm constantly so used to automatically assuming i Can't Do Most Things bc most of the time i'm barred from Everything#either by physical skill or money or age or location#so when i got a Nice Computer my brain was like STUFF I CAN DO?????????? STUFF I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!#and just. downloaded all the games i haven't been able to play bc my laptop sucks ass#the dopamine rush. lmao#i can actually play skyrim again for the first time since i was 17 😭#genuinely getting this computer has given me the exact same feeling as finally getting my wheelchair#just the fucking sheer joy of *oh my fucking god i have freedom now. i can actually DO STUFF*#seriously being able to use the wheelchair has made me so fucking happy i don't feel awful when going to the store i can actually THINK#bc i dont have brain fog from having to focus all of my energy on staying upright#and the computer is giving me the same feeling of freedom like. i can actually DO STUFF with my computer and not worry about it crashing#i can record video now!!!! I COULD START STREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i can actually learn to code because the coding programs will run!!!!!! i can start making datapacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!#can PLAY THE GAMES I'VE BOUGHT OVER THE YEARS FINALLY#FUCKING THANK YOU STEAM FOR LETTING ME KEEP THESE GAMES UNTIL I CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THEM#INSTEAD OF BEING A SHITASS STREAMING SERVICE THAT TAKES AWAY YOUR PRODUCT *AND* MONEY WHENEVER THEY FEEL LIKE IT#like i bought assassins creed odyssey the year it came out and i've never even been able to OPEN it on any of my old computers#i bought Jusant recently because it looks very pretty but the game wouldn't let me download it on my laptop bc the graphics card was shit#i have a bunch of games that I've just hoarded on my steam account for years and now i can finally play them#i can get back to subnautica too!!!! and finally finish out we happy few!!!#anyway im gonna go continue to be insane about this machine i love computers theyre so fun
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Occasionally, I feel like starting a service where people with depression or insecurities hire me so I can treat them gently and help them realize it's not actually as bad as they think. Or like where I help them get used to touch again. Where I ask if it's okay before doing anything. And they can realize they're safe. Something like that. Like a therapy human for humans but not in terms of clinical therapy but more in terms of helping them trust humans again. I could speak very softly even. And tell them it's gonna be okay. Idk. Is that valuable? Would people want that? I could make them little snacks even?
#mira mumbles#i genuinely like being nice to people who are too hard on themselves#i feel like i would worry about weirdos not respecting my own boundaries but like maybe i could make it a contract with guidelines#theres also people suffering from ptsd or anxiety and maybe it would be nice to have someone to just hang around with no expectation?#idk maybe im tired but i always feel the most valued when im helping other people feel supported in those ways#idk in case it needs to be said dont take this too seriously#im just thinking outloud#might delete idk yet
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Jimmy is aroace and Sarah is VERY supportive about it.
She'd argue to hell and back with anyone who dares to say anything wrong about it to him.
Yes yes I support this!!
I actually started writing dialogue for a possible future comic that's starts out with Jimmy coming out as NB to everyone and Sarah is so aggressively supportive of her friend. She beats up Eddy a lot because it takes him a while to get their pronouns right haha
I also like to think that Jimmy would have possibly been scared to come out to Sarah. What if she didn't support them? Were they ready to face that possibility? They feel like a fool once they do though because of course Sarah supports them with every fiber of her heart and soul no matter who they want to be. To her, they've always been Jimmy, her bestest friend in the whole world. No pronouns, sexuality, rain, sleet, or snow can stand between them.
#torra answers#cute headcanons#i love jimmy with all my heart tbh#i also like to think it was wdd they initially came out to because they knew edd would accept them if nothing else#i love the idea of jimmy and edd having a special kind of friendship#like ofc each one has their main group of friends#but with each other they can be truly honest and not have to worry about judgement#theyre both such kindhearted people#jimmy and sarah are like that too dont get me wrong#but maybe for a brief spell they were afraid of losing her#or worse they were afraid she wouldnt take them seriously#im ramvling too much
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actually, you know what ? im glad my ex gf ghosted me, i dodged a bullet it seems
#this was two years ago and just a few months ago i started getting over it#on the one hand yeah it fucking SUCKS i wish i had had some type of warning instead of radio silence suddently from one day to the other#on the other i was ready to move to texas (me: poc queer fem presenting nd bitch) and was looking seriously jobs over there#and like- i fucking HATE the usa but she was really scared about leaving the states to come to europe- so i was willingly to travel there to#be with her and not put her through that (ive been traveling since childhood so im used to it- but she has certain mental stuff going on and#taking her away from her family and her childhood city was going to be really tough- of course i'd sacrifice my life for hers)#and like im so sorry to everybody who is stuck in the usa right now bcs ur country is treating yall so poorly i feel genuinely bad#but as someone who was planninh to work over there as a teacher..... IM SO FUCKING GLAD I DONT HAVE TO SET FOOT THERE 😭#every single thing i hear about the education system there seems hellish- as well as the teachers' conditions and wages#like over here its not all rainbows and flowers but at least i dont have to worry about school shootings or getting fired for recommending#books from a banned list 💀#ESPECIALLY as a poc latino queer linguistics and literature teacher- i'd love to talk to students about a big range of things- i cannot#imagine having to censor myself or dance around a subject becs “kids are too dumb to understand queerness” “youre trying to groom them”#“dont brainwash em you commie” like ma'am im trying to help your child develop basic empathy and respect for those who dont look like them#like i hear some serious worrying stuff from teachers over there i hope u guys are holding up somehow 😭😭😭#anyways idk how the phrase in english goes but in spanish we say cuando dios cierra una puerta- abre una ventana#(<- trying to look for the positive in getting ghosted by the girl of their dreams)#its fine guys anyways#yeah that was the first LD relationship ive ever had- never trying that again#also i found out im arospec so im definitely not getting into a romantic relationship lmfaoooooo#only QPRs for me now if anything lol#vanya strawberry flavored
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Our cat is almost 20 years old and her hearing is starting to go and earlier this week i was like 'alright well if shes not hearing as well i don't want to let her go outside at all this summer' (ive been trying to keep her indoors but my family keeps letting her out) and the person i was talking to was like 'okay but if she meows a lot and gets really annoying im going to open the door for her'. 😐 so her being outside and potentially in danger because shes old and losing her hearing is preferable to you being annoyed at her?????? are you serious
#my stuff#makes me want to YELL i get upset when nobody else in my house seems to care if shes outside or not.#'she can protect herself' there are CARS and DOGS that live in our neighvorhood#literally 2 doors down theres someone with a huge dog and they just let it be outside in the alley sometimes and my mom has complained#about it being potentially agressive/not friendly!!!!!!!! and we have crows and magpies that will not hesitate to attack our cat!!!#its so frustrating any time i bring up how im worried about her i feel like nobody cares or they dont take me seriously or they think im#overreacting or something.#i dont want to be like 'okay well one day shes going to die outside and we wont even know and its not going to be my fault' but that feels#too mean. :(#*because not but.#ughhhh i left so many tags on here. whatever.
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