#like i dont have time to emotionally recover from this shit lol i need a three month break MINIMUM

[vampfucker666]

i think im getting to the point where if i dont start hrt i am going to be absolutely emotionally fucked in the head bc im becoming more of an adult woman every day and its just completely getting to me like idk how much more i can let myself feminize before i have a breakdown. YOU KNOW.

[dumbass-tumbler-cryptid]

I can see Spider being taken to the Capitol and tortured like Peeta was in Hunger Games 3, it reminds me of Spider being interrogated by Ardmore.

Hey everybody remember the Hunger Games Au i wrote up back in November? I needed to watch the final movie but then I got bronchitis (that took me two months to recover from) and it was also Christmas at the time and I really didn't feel like watching the child murder movies. But I never forgot about this and I finally got around to watching the final movie! So without further ado let's wrap this up.

To the question of what Spider and Kiri would have shown off in individual training, I feel like Kiri would have purposely tanked her's just for fun not even for strategy. She'd see the whole thing as stupid plus she knows her abilities so she's got nothing to prove. the gamemakers though can see what shes doing and give her a 9 to make her more of a target. I can see Spider pulling a Katniss and shooting an arrow right at the gamemakers to make them pay attention then bowing out. Quaritch is only half pissed at him. The other part is so proud. He's even more proud when Spider is awarded an 11.

In interviews they're both just kinda dicks lol. Spider taunts the whole crowd, talks mad shit on Snow, and heckles the fuck out of Flickerman. Kiri is similar just way more sarcastic and petty. So Snow was definitely super pissed when these two won the game.

Moving on to the ending.

I've tossed around a lot of idea's in my head for who gets captured and I had almost settled on it being Neytiri, Ronal and Paz, but that was mainly because I didn't want to hurt any of the kids especially Spider (I hurt that kid enough in Cabin and all I want is good things for him. I really dont want to hurt the moms either or anybody for that matter but this is a Hunger Games au) And yeah it does match actual Avatar canon to have Spider be one of the ones captured so that's what happens. Neytiri and Aonung are also captured.

The families are all incredibly distraught. Paz has a full on meltdown the moment she wakes up in recovery and is told the terrible news. It's her worst nightmare come to life and she completely blames herself for it. Quaritch, who's already inwardly losing his shit over his son but trying to keep it together, internally breaks seeing his wife like that because he's never seen her break before. After Paz is sedated Quaritch goes off to be alone. Spider's capture cases a real strain on their relationship because neither knows how to comfort or emotionally support the other. Paz is so guilt ridden that she doesn't want to be anywhere near her husband feeling intense shame when ever he looks at her. Quaritch doesn't blame her for Spider's capture. He blames himself for not volunteering in his son's place the day of the reaping. the only thing they can manage to do together is plan on saving their son.

Ronal also blames herself for her son's capture but she buries it deep under a wildfire determination to get him back. Tonowari of course wants Aonung back too and is just as determined, he just advocates that they be calm and level headed about their recuse so that they don't lose anyone else.

Jake hasn't felt this powerless in years. He wants to storm the Capital single handed to get his wife back but no one will let him leave. They all look down on him for being in a wheelchair and forget that he was a victor in the Hunger Games once. That he trained his children to be warriors while being paralyzed. But no matter how much he advocates for himself it just falls on the deaf ears of district 13's president. Who i decided is not Grace but General Ardmore.

Ardmore rules over district 13 in a strict but seemingly fair manner. And she is a pretty good leader. She's just extremely power hunger. I'm going to say Ian Garvin is the Heavensbee of this au. He sees right through Ardmore but he does need her to win the war. It's him that convinces her to let Jake, Ronal, Tonowari, Quaritch and Paz into her war room. Jake impresses her with his war strategies ( Don't worry Jake doesn't come up with Gale's plan. That's all Ardmore) and quickly becomes the lead strategist of her army. Tonowari and Quaritch are on the frontlines. They try to convince Ronal and Paz to stay back but Paz brushes them off with a bitter, "I have nothing left to lose," and Ronal snaps, "i will fight!"

The Capital starts airing interviews with their clearly brainwashed hostages. Paz's shriek silences the entire cafetiere when she sees her son on the t.v. His wild mane of curls now fall neatly around his chin, brushed out of his face like a perfect little gentleman. It shows off how sunken his cheeks have gotten. how hollow and dead his eyes looks. His once tan skin is now pale, made to look even paler by the snow white suite they've dressed him to hide his thin frame. "what would you like to say to your friends and family right now Spider?" "Kiri? Mama? Dad?," Quaritch is trying to hold Paz up as she openly sobs for her child for all of district 13 to see, "please stop. This isn't you. Your good people that would never betray the country. Just stop fighting and come home please."

Aonung get's the exact same treatment dresses up and paraded around on t.v like the Capital's little pet, begging his mom and dad to surrender. Ronal cracked a tooth from clenching her jaw so hard in rage and Tonowari put a hole in the wall when no one was looking.

Neytiri is also brought out, her braids are taken out, hair straightened within an inch of its life. she's dressed in a tasteful white cocktail dress, with a white rose tucked behind her right ear. when she's asked "what would you like to say to your husband right now." She says, "my Jake," there's a long pause, a whole war going on behind her amber eyes before she finally chokes out, "end them." the broadcast instantly cuts off.

And the kids in all this? Since I don't really have a mockingjay singled out among the bunch, I'm gonna say they're all kinda the mockingjay. They're the kids who survived. The ones who have to now live with the horrors inflicted on them by the capital. As I was typing this I actually thought it'd fit Neteyam to make a shrine for one of his competitors like Katniss did for Rue. He bonded with a little girl that was Lo'ak's age at the time but reminded him a lot of Tuk. When she died it was like he could see both of his siblings dying with her and it utterly gutted him. He honored her in front of all of Panem and for it everyone loves him.

Kiri is beloved for her definice. It inspires so many others to stand up and fight.

Lo'ak feels ashamed for what happened to his mother and is very candid about it. He talks openly about how he felt so inadequate compared to his "hero" parents and brother. But he understands now that underneath all the pageantry and splendor of the Capital is a absolutely vile core that needs to be ripped out so that they all can finally know peace.

Tsireya is a medic in this like Prim was. Her and Lo'ak start up a romance because they trauma bond over a family member being held hostage.

Tuk is there but she's just too little to really do anything.

And finally Grace in all this plays a similar roll as the mayor from district 8. She just had this lightbulb moment after having Kiri that her daughter would never know peace as long as there tyrannical government stayed in power. She wanted to take Kiri with her but she got word that a sickness was spreading through 13 that was killing all the children. Kiri and her have a lot to work through but Kiri doesn't get angry with Grace for wanting to fight for a better world. Kiri still grew up healthy and happy with her adopted family and soon all of them would be able to live freely and safely in the world they'll create.

Finally the opportunity arrives to save the hostages. Norm is able to hack the system giving a volunteer strike team an opening. the team is made up of Quaritch, Paz, Ronal, Tonowari and Neteyam. It goes off without a hitch. I want to say that unlike in the movie/book where Snow actually just let them go that in this au the strike team was actually just that good and got in and out without anyone noticing. The families all hold each other all the way home the only sounds coming from their cries of relief.

Also none of them are brainwashed to try and kill a loved one. They are severely traumatized though. Their tortures goes as follows and you can skip to the next paragraph if you’d rather not read this. Spider was made to see horrific fantasies under trackerjacker venom to the point where it’s hard for him to tell what’s real anymore. He’s jittery and anxious all the time and panics easily. He flinches if someone raises a hand too fast and that includes his own parents who are both devastated for their son and enraged that the capital would hurt their boy so badly he couldn’t even trust his own mom and dad anymore. Kiri helps Spider through it playing “real or not real,” something she tells Quaritch and Paz about to better manage Spiders dissociative episodes when she’s not around. Aonung was given electric shocks in water now making him fear it. Even seeing a few drops of water is enough to make him shake. This hurts his whole family to see since the ocean is the core of there cultural identity. Ronal and Tonowari want to burn the entire capital down to nothing for the crime against humanity they’ve inflicted on their son. It takes so much time but his parents and sister start with coaching Aonung through the breathing mediation he’d do as a small child when he was first learning to swim putting his mind at ease by reciting the way of water with him. Once he doesn’t freak out seeing so much as a cup of water they slowly get him to interact with it again first with a very shallow bath (basically a puddle) building until his family is lovingly coaxing him into a pool. He panics at first but swimming is like breathing to him and surrounded by so much love and support he eventually calms. Neytiri was given a drug that made the simplest touch feel like excruciating pain. She knows it was just the chemicals they pumped into her veins but she can’t help but flinch every time one of her children hugs her, her breath catching in her throat. She puts on a brave face and holds her children despite how much it makes her heart race. The only one she talks about this with is Jake. They do their own form of real or not real where he’ll brush his fingertips over her arm so so gently he’s almost not touching her at all and ask, “pain or no pain,” until Neytiri can retrain her mind to not associate every minor touch with pain.

After they take time to recover it’s decided that a strike team will be sent out to assassinat Snow. There’s no way in hell any of the parents will let there kids go on this mission so it’s all the adults. Maybe it's just because I love all these characters and don’t want to kill them off but I’m going to say they’re all so good that they outmaneuver every capital trap and survive Ardmore’s bombing of civilians but if I was going to kill people off here's how I’d do it…

Tonowari meets the same fate as Boggs killed in a trap.

Quaritch is overwhelmed by mutts like Finnick was. Paz shoots him herself to put him out of his misery

Neteyam is killed in the second wave of bombings. He snuck out of 13 with the medics because he wanted to give aid to the civilians hurt in the war.

I also had the very evil idea of Neteyam getting sent to the group like Peeta was for some reason, and him being injured in the same trap that killed Tonowari and Neytiri staying with him while the rest move on only for them both to die when the building their hiding in is bombed and then Tsireya dies trying to give medical aid to civilians but good god is that devastating for me to think about.

But it’s a good thing none of that happens! So Ardmore gathers all the past hunger games victors to discuss Snow’s public execution and to float the idea of a hunger games with the capitals children. They are all equally horrified because they’ve all been through so much and just want peace. The kids all speak out but the parents stay quiet all silently thinking the same thing. This bitch has got to go.

All the victors are lined up with bows and arrows to execute Snow in front of the whole country. Only half of the arrows pierce him though. They other half sail right into Ardmore’s chest. Grace is later elected president. Kiri is constantly going from the Sully’s place to Grace’s to Spider’s. Spider and his parents live in a cottage in a peaceful meadow where he continues his recover. His mom is kind of smothering now still recovering from the trauma of losing her son but he knows it’s all love. When he’s in a better place he decides to travel and see the new world. Ronal and Tonowari are surprised to learn they’re expecting but it’s a happy surprise. They can’t wait to bring their third into a peaceful world. Tsireya continues her medical training and Aonung becomes a sailor. He just feels at peace out on the ocean. Jake is basically Graces Vice President and Neytiri is basically the secretary of infrastructure working to rebuild every district. Neteyam, Lo’ak, and Kiri are the leads on construction on a memorial for all the children slaughtered in the games. Everyone is their on opening day. It’s seeing the memorial that really brings peace to all of them. It’s not only a testament to those killed, but a marker that all the horror is now over.

Hope you all enjoyed the long awaited part 2! I’d love to know your thoughts 💙

[sexisdisgusting]

anon whose ex was a model partner but then got discarded… yeah, he was most likely cheating. lol. so they can be consistent, have routines, do gestures regularly and plan dates regularly, show all the affection in the world, equally divide labor and actually do MORE chores than you and get insistent that you sit back if you try and help and fool u bc nothing looks like lovebombing it all paced out healthily… and still hate ur guts bc u didn’t recover emotionally from a MISCARRIAGE fast enough. he literally turned off all love for me once i didn’t bounce back and act like my old self.

my fault for dating a moid i guess. i have abt an equal amount of male to female exes (1 more female than male) and all the moids were abusive but i don’t learn bc i’ll get my heart broken by a woman (the last ex told me she never saw a future with me and was just passing the time and that devastated me bc i was planning our fucking honeymoon in my head), end up later on dating a man bc i’m self destructive and boom! horrors beyond mortal comprehension. this one had me fooled though for sure.

:( oh anonita i am so sorry he sounds like an absolute shit i am so fucking happy hes out of your life, you dont deserve to be subject to that fuckery

i love you so much and im hoping for nothing but the best for you :( if you need anything im here

[arishah97]

Blog

Xe begged me to stay, and with tears in my eyes, I left anyways.

Its been a while since I wrote one of these. Things have been going okay. My work hours have massively expanded and I now work a fulltime job. 9-5. Every weekday. Goddamnit, but humans were never meant to do this shit. five days a week? 40 hours a week? insane.

Never thought the shift from 6 hours to 8 hours would be that much, but it feels like the life is being squeezed out of my fucking soul. fuck capitalism. not that my job sucks that much. I mean, I work at a fucking desk. I dont have to do hard labor or something like that. Its just work.

Things got strained between me and her. I had less time. she was more stressed. and nothing was official.

My friend turned 30. we've been planning a trip to vegas for a while now. I went. and then my dating profile went crazy.

Yeah, I was still on the dating apps. fuck me i guess. is this cheating? i dunno. It feels like emotional cheating. But she was the one who wasn't ready for me. I can't possibly be expected to stay faithful and wait for her. Is that fair to me? i dunno. fuck.

I got a lot of matches in vegas, but 2 significant ones. one night i nearly went over to the first one's. just straight up went over to someone's house who i had never met. It was probably a bad idea, and I'm infinitely grateful for the people who stopped me that night.

The second one... ah. We made plans to meet up for a date. We flirted. We bantered. God, xe was beautiful. Xe was amazing too. We met up. I showed xe my std paperwork, xe showed me xyrs. We went out for Thai. Xe bounced around happily as xe sat. Adorably cute.

We ordered an ride to pick up protection and then go back to xyrs place. goddamit. xe said that xe was mine. xe gasped and moaned and panted beneath me. xe said xe was my good girl over and over and over again.

I said that xe was mine. I couldn't stop talking about xyr toned legs, xyr amazing ass, xyr beautiful waist, xyr beautiful tits, xyr cute face. Xe had a body like a succubus and xe tempted me. I was smart enough not to promise anything to xyr.

Before we even started xe asked if we could still keep in contact after this was all over. I had to say no. It broke my heart but I had to say no. I had to stop myself from saying xe was mine forever. I said xe was mine, but never forever. I had to stop myself from saying I was xe's.

While we were taking a break and cuddling, xe mentioned that if I wanted to stay over, xe would have to go to the couch, as xe punched and kicked in xyr sleep. I told her I didn't care over and over, but xe said that xe felt bad if xe hurt other people, so I relented. I'll never forget xyr face as xe loomed over me, grinding into me as I cupped xyr chest and pulled.

At the end of it all, I admitted to xyr that of all the people in the world to be my first, I'm glad it was xyr. Apparently, xe was under the impression that I was experienced, which was super funny.

I began to say my goodbyes. I put on my clothes. I kissed xyr one last time. As I went over to put on my shoes, xe offered to keep to the edge of the bed. Xe asked me to stay. I grimaced.

I knew that if I would stay, I would surely never emotionally recover. I was waiting on someone. I couldn't make someone else wait on me while I wait on someone, and it was cruel to confess to someone and then say "lol, nevermind". I continued to put my shoes on.

Xe begged me to to stay, and with tears in my eyes, I left anyways.

Its now 2 days later. Xe haunts my every waking thought. We had a short text exchange the next morning, but I knew that we had to stop this. I haven't reached out to xyr since.

I've cried so much, I can barely function. love, sex, feelings, emotions. theyre all tied up. I feel like an asshole. Maybe I am an asshole. On one hand, I confessed that I had feelings for a girl and she asked me to wait. On the other hand, I made someone want me so bad xey called xemself mine, but I walked away like a player.

I need time to process. Thats why i wrote this. Hopefully I will have answers for myself soon.

xoxo,

Ari

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

cw emotional/psychological abuse (im ok dw just. more reflecting)

ive been rereading my journal and got to the bit where im dissecting my exs callout post about me. looking back its kinda hilarious cus if you have the tiniest ounce of critical thinking skills, youll immediatley see that he contradicted himself several times in his own post and his ridiculous assertions just get better with age. heres some highlights

 calling himself a “kid” at 23 while slagging me off voraciously for stuff that i did at 22 and 23, 4+ years before this callout post and some of it before he even met me

 making a huge deal about a 19 & 23 (up to 23 & 27) age gap like its pedophilia lol

 accusing me of ableism in literally the same sentence as dunking on me for my autism symptoms, then doing it again several times more in the next paragraph, like blatant ableism in the same breath as accusing me of ableism, sure thing hon

 misrepresenting events where he deliberately provoked me, leaving out important information and saying I was “playing the victim” cus i told people that the two (2!!) incidents of alleged “abuse” were in direct response to some particularly nasty shit hed been throwing at me

 accusing me of making him homeless when i literally saved him from homelessness several times

 accusing me of manipulating him to be polyamorous when he was literally dating someone else when we got together lmao (as was I & we were all fully aware, just like in a regular consensual polyamorous situation) (iirc he also had a side fuck that his partner didnt know about so really doing great monogamy there, being manipulated into evil polyamory by evil me)

 accusing me of cheating when i told them i was dating someone, who they fully well knew i was getting close to and wanting to date, who they told me was okay if I wanted to date them. they forced me to break up with that person and apologise over months, agreeing at one point that it wasn’t actually cheating, but then conveniently it was cheating again whenever he needed something to hold against me

anyway ive still not fully recovered from being used up quite thoroughly and emotionally abused and gaslit and accused of the worst kinds of things because after years of torment I snapped a couple times. I still find it in my mind sometimes to miss him and wanna reach out and then I remember how it felt to be with him and then how it felt to *not* be with him and how it felt to be punished for not being with him, and then to be punished just for existing, i guess. being accused of punishing him when i was having emotional reactions or tried to distance myself cus being around him made me want to kermit. funny how thats his choice of words as well and how being with him changed me fundamentally and i am still very much working on undoing the damage, i suspect it will take a long while. meanwhile hes prancing around in la and probably has forgtten completely that i even exist. which is wild considering he put all responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing entirely on me for so fucking long. its my fault also because i let him, but i was young and stupid, (in his words) just a kid at 23.

he put all responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing entirely on me - and I let him; when you put it like that, it’s absolutely no wonder it blew up completely in our faces. And as the older one and the supposedly more experienced one, I guess it would have been on me to not let him put all that on me. I didn’t know much at the time though, pretty sure I didn’t even know what boundaries were (much less how to set, communicate and enforce them). But also I was interested in him and wanted to get closer and I think even then I knew that if I failed to give him whatever tf he wanted, he would just leave and probably call me toxic. Idk why it ever seemed like a good idea to get close to him. I just dont know anymore but I guess I did learn a lot from that relationship. Including not to let people like that get that fucking close to me again.

[biaoba]

I am more then prepared to be wrong, but that anon is way to cocky. Here's why I am confident that we will have canon Eddie realizes he's confused by his feelings for Buck. The time Buck was hurt , in danger in 2 we had no outward Eddie being more upset then anyone else on the team. Then we FF to twice Eddie is in danger and we have huge difference in reaction from Buck vs team. Then you have the deep stare of Eddie and Buck. You have the intimacy even in the truck. Then comes the panic attacks after Buck brings him home. Panic attacks arent typical straight behavior to she's not the one. Especially wben they made it a point to remind us he doesn't panic. That's the behavior of someone who doesn't understand why she's not because honestly she really should have been.

So I think we will have Bucky hurt, Eddies different reaction mirroring how different from the firetruck he was. I would say hes the one sitting there in the hospital and he like accidentally kisses his hand and u see the confusion and then people come in and he tries to act normal.

I would bet the second half of the season. Maybe Buck moves in with Eddie and Christopher to recover. We see Eddie acting awkward. Buck trying to understand why. Taylor probably starting to notice that Buck always chooses ro hang with Eddie and Christopher then her. Maybe Buck remembers a gesture when he was out and finally pins Eddie for a answer.

And finally there is a reason that Taylor is still here not Anna. Anna was clearly in love with Eddie. I just dont think Taylor loves Buck. I think they both just fill a void. I actually hope she is reoccurring after just because she's a cool character and I hope to get a few lines "you 2 wouldn't be together if it weren't for me" lol. Thats important in representation also, normalizing the people's reactions to not opposite sex relationships.

Ok and one more lastly. The truth was if Eddie was a male, and Buck was a female character instead, and all this played oit the exact same way, you know that we would all be expecting them to get together and realize there feelings. I don't expect to even reallt have confusion from Buck when he realozes Eddie would go there. I think it will be like you lead and I will follow.

PURR SORRY ANON i know its been like two weeks listen

first of all TALK YOUR SHIT YASS!! second of all i urge you to start posting these on your own blog because me posting isn't gonna get them hype im sorry im no influencer... alternatively dm me if you wanna talk omg i have no one

You're soooo true about their differing reactions to the other getting hurt in that not only does eddie not wear his heart on his sleeve nearly as much as buck does, his reaction the last time he saw buck hurt... he definitely wasn't as emotionally invested and we NEED a parallel that shows how much his feelings have progressed by hurting buck this season. a lot. i want PROBLEMS.

We need taylor to stay yass bitch characters>>> i don't understand why everyone is so threatened by a girl who was introduced as a morally way shitty character like she's LITERALLY textually filling the void.

That last paragraph 😬 i'm tired of the 'if he was a girl' argument no matter how true it is... like i do not want to think about buck as female coded just because he's stepping in to raise another man's child like... idk i need a d*an w*nchester stan to write this rant for me like hmm something about that whole train of though is very sus but idk im cis.

But umm yass to the bi buck implication in your last 2 sentences like he is literally canonically bi idgaf. 'You lead i'll follow' is definitely such a great thesis for where i think the scripts will realistically take them.

[mikaze-discord]

OG Heavens: Love letters

For these Heavens posts, I had reached out to a few people who just never ended up responding. With projects like these, please at least hear them out, you don't have to do it because I know its a huge project but at least tell them you won't be doing it instead of ghosting them. But apart from that little road block, this project was really fun!!

Please enjoy under the cut!!!!

EIICHI OTORI

From @milkmateartist:

I have always leaned towards megane characters and Eiichi is no exception. However, it's not often you see idols wearing glasses, and that is something I appreciate about Eiichi's design. His color palette also intrigues me since I love deep shades of blue. His royal blue jacket is very attractive, and the way he pops the collar also makes me go "kya!".  His voice is also very sexy as well and is pleasing to the ear uwu. I love how egoistic he is too. Being incredibly ambitious he has been able to reach amazing heights that surpass other idols. The one thing that seems to make him unique though is that he really gets zealous and overly passionate when it comes to the power of music, so much that it makes him physically tremble. You could get high off that shit literally. His entire being is centered around being an idol, and all the components of him go above and beyond the requirements. It's not just a job for him or something that simply makes an earning or brings satisfaction. It's pretty much everything to him. For that reason he has made it to the top. There is also the component where he's lonely and isolated emotionally that interests me. Despite being a beloved idol, he clearly didn't get the love he needed growing up. Even though he had Eiji I feel as though his nature was more to protect Eiji and shield him from whatever terrors would arise. I admire his ability to come through all of that and pay attention to the things he really cared about. Eiichi can be himself, his strange, sexy self, but also he acknowledges the lonesome darkness within too. I think that component makes him incredibly powerful.

Extra Details:

While appearing to be a bad guy in the anime (at least), Eiichi seemed to be that typical bad boy idol that would steal away Haruka from the main group. The time when he approached Haruka and took her by the chin is a perfect example. How dare this new guy just think he can have his way with our protagonist!  To be honest I liked that aspect about him a bit. While I can't remember my first impression of Eiichi aside from not knowing how to feel about that, he slowly grew on me. He had the appearance of just another selfish idol, demonstrated by swiping the mic away from the announcer at one of his concerts and immediately declaring their foreseen victory. So far that looked rather bland to me, and I was still cheering for STARISH. They really made him out to look like some bad guy who would not play fair and do whatever he could to take the throne (and the girl).  It's not surprising his glasses shine adds to his 'freaky antagonist' vibe that the show seemed to try to give off, but however for me I love the glasses beam, thus having the opposite effect.

And then there is the Next Door episode. Now here's where we got to see more of Eiichi aside from when the HEAVENS Dragon demolished the entire stadium. Aside from kya-ing over the EiichiOtoya content (especially where he goes behind otoya and covers his eyes), I got to see more of him here. It surprised me that someone so cocky and confident was actually the same depressed, lonely person that Otoya was. But it was also evident to me as well that he did care about the effect it had on Otoya as well after he sort-of-well mind broke him. I like how he is ambitious but also still caring, as compared to an antagonist that would stop at nothing to achieve their goal regardless of how much pain they cause.

I also enjoy Eiichi because I feel like I can roleplay him well. Usually for me, roleplay has to achieve some kind of goal since I tend to be business oriented. I think to some degree I'm able to practice being a eboy idol through Eiichi, as I do enjoy charming the fans. It also helps that I can naturally play characters with an inflated ego who enjoy charming people.

From @/egoisticCEO on twt:

July 2019. When Eiichi was first introduced to me via his voice, I hated him from the very beginning. His singing, his appearance, his personality – everything about him made me despise him. It’s funny looking back and seeing how quickly my attitude changed towards him, realising I’d been biased against him because of a friend. Finding more about him, hate turned to interest. It seemed like his life hadn’t been the best. Maybe that was why he acted in such a way? Interest turned to liking him more. Maybe I’d misunderstood him. I’d made the mistake of taking him at surface level.

December 2019. Like was slowly turning to love. More and more, I found myself looking at him instead of my current favourites. I found myself wanting him to actually be a part of Egoistic. Once I started devouring HEAVENS Radio and unveiling his true character, it was shocking how quickly I fell. He truly acted like a father to everyone in his band. Giving them what he never received. Everything was for them to thrive.

2020. With how much I was at home, it only made sense I grew more obsessed. I found Life with Thanks’ translation. “We’re irreplaceable to him,” he tells us, and that made me certain that his heart wasn’t as evil as some people liked to believe. He’s a caretaker, someone who wants everyone to feel like they matter. Even at his own expense. Instead of selfish, he’s selfless.

I related to him more than I have to any character – it was comforting. Seeing someone have no choice but to put on a brave face, even when his confidence was at an all time low. 2020 got a lot harder for me, but when I recovered, Eiichi was like a home to go back to. Time and time again, I’d have to break away, but I’d always be invited back in by that stupid smirk and overexaggerated ego and the warmest heart you could ever find. Every scene I watched with him would make me smile. I’d tease him to myself. I still do.

2021. That brings us to now. I can’t see my love for this one of a kind man dying any time soon. I don’t want it to, either. Just looking at him makes me happy! He’s the type of character with so many facets to his personality that you can keep digging and never reach the end. So, in conclusion, I hope I never stop finding new things out about this wonderful idiot. More than anything, he deserves all the love he gives to others, and I’d love to provide it tenfold.

KIRA SUMERAGI

From Anon: 

Many have their reasons to love their favorite characters. As for me, why Kira Sumeragi is my favorite character is because there are several things about him that I can relate myself to and there are a few qualities he has that I like about him. If many do not know about Kira that much, they’d look at who he is. He may look intimidating at first and may not talk much, when in actuality, Kira is a considerate, dependable, and mindful guy. Mainly, he is the type of guy that lets his actions do the explaining. He is a hard worker, as an idol, he looks after his bandmates, HEAVENS, like family. It’s like what Eiichi said in HEAVENS Radio about Kira, “he is HEAVENS’ pride!” Although he may not say much, Kira is very observant of his surroundings and never hesitates in his decisions. The members of HEAVENS understand and acknowledge Kira, knowing that he means well.

You can even tell in his solo music! Although there are only two solo songs for Kira, if you read the lyrics carefully, Kira’s thoughts and feelings are shown. Kira always knew that if he cannot explain his feelings through words, then he’ll let his songs and his actions do it for him for you to see.  Although the anime doesn’t show much of Kira, the only way to get to know him more is through HEAVENS Radio, also drama CDs like Paradise Lost, and other media like LINE Messenger Japan. There’s still much that I’d want to know about him, but as a start, these things are what makes Kira my favorite character for HEAVENS.

From Anon: 

Aside from my huge bias towards OnoD the first thing that drew my attention to Kira was his design. Dark haired anime boys with bright eyes have such a vibe and I loved how mysterious he was set up to be in season 2. But the thing that really hooked me a lot was the found family that Heavens became over the progression of the anime.

Particularly since people in the fandom have a bunch of funky headcanons about Kira being the mom friend in the group, which is incredibly wholesome. Kira’s very quiet and reserved but clearly holds a deep caring for his group members and does what he can when needed which is one of the reasons why he became so loveable for me.

NAGI MIKADO

From @/_PXRFECTIONIST on twt: 

If I managed to stan Nagi, so will you.

Greetings. I present to you, once more, a story of how I came to love a character that I wished I threw hands with.

So.

Nagi Mikado.

The possible only utapri character that Shinomiya oshis despise. Thanks to what happened in the anime.

Truth be told, I too was one of them. Until I came to love Both Shinomiya and Nagi. Reason?

Research.

Ya see, it is universally agreed upon that the way Nagi was pushing and pulling at Shinomiya's trauma and DID was… Not okay. So I said "yeah okay what an obnoxious kid i dont think ill ever like him lol" especially since I never come to really warm up to people younger than me.

Boy was I wrong.

My heart really sways easily when I go deep into characters, and why they act the way they are. And also because I chose to roleplay as him, but let's not. Speak of that.

(its actually the main reason i like him in the first place who am i fooling)

Nagi is… Indeed obnoxious, and really has bad manners that are covered up by his cute looks and fame, especially since he's one of the original HEAVENS members, but once you get to really know him.. It makes sense why he's being such a brat. And that is sort of endearing. And knowing how his group is like family to him too, it becomes harder and harder to completely dislike him.

….

He really is a boss man.

He knows what he wants, and how to get it. He knows how to get people to like him without handing over the tiniest sliver of his weaknesses. He acts in his own way that shapes his personality to suit him, yet still manages to be caring and helpful, even if it's hard to see tenderness and good will through his aggression.

Reading his solo lyrics, listening to the drama CDs, even thinking of headcanons due to lack of lore, it all slowly comes together like a lovely parfait to suddenly make you realize..

'Wow…'

'I really do like that rat.

[alotsgonnachange]

Mystic Messenger Saeran’s AE Thoughts (.......And Prayers..) #Spoilerz

Hello, I just finished Saeran’s after ending and I have a lot of things to say and I am going to write it down while I'm still all keyed up about it.

First of all… Please DO NOT ask me how much money I spent to finish this as fast as I did…. I’m grown but my bank account is certainly going to have a good ole fashioned CHUCKLE at this….. It’s been a long quarantine I deserve a lil happiness as a treat methinks!

I have been playing this absolutely insane game since I think 2016? When I first started playing the deep routes had JUST come out I think? And I was just finishing up high school and am now a college grad...lmao

I’ve played all routes at least once except Jaehee but i’ve seen walkthroughs of her route (I’ve heard it makes you hate Jumin and he’s my favorite so um. hehe). V’s and Saeran’s routes I found to be so emotionally intense and just….a lot and I've been waiting a long ass god damn time for this after ending okay…. I would theorize and make up an ending in my head but i’m no writer so it was hard to figure out lol. I’m a Jumin stan mostly but I love everybody and yeah I should probably play that jumin dlc too but I need like a DAY to recover from Saeran’s AE. Enough about me HERE are my thoughts on it overall

Major Saeran AE Spoilers under da cut!

Can we please discuss V showing up to the C+R conference room with basically chloroform and made everybody Pass Out like??? I was alone in my room at like midnight just SCREAMING at my phone???? And the creepy ass CG ???? It’s like that gif of sarah paulson from ahs being like “I put arsenic in the wine….and the pasta”

Anyway I screamed at V a lot during this process!!

Loved RFA being sweet and kind to saeran (before V fucking drugged them…)

This is such common V behavior “I have to do it all myself...there’s no other way..” GIRL SHUT UPPP You do this every route....

SO many CG’s and I enjoy them a lot

Saeran’s sprite looks a little TOO crisp compared to everyone else but maybe its a glitch??? V next to him is in 480p while saeran is like 1080p

Hearing both Saeran and Saeyoung missing the other brother the whole time??? PAIN. All my homies know is PAIN

BOSS and his V for Vendetta ass guy fawkes mask??? I literally yelled “this game is TERRIBLE!!” several times at my phone

Their dad is so>??????? When he was sitting on the couch with saeyoung in that one CG while simultaneously telling him to kill himself?????????? Maybe chairman han is actually the best dad in this game somehow

When V and Rika were like we’re back together teehee teehee okay pack it up bonnie and clyde ..

When chairman han calls u and says hes jealous of u and saeran…..HUH????? I’m calling HR

When they go to the apartment and see boss and vanderwood and poor saeyoung is sitting there seeing his brother for the first time in years i wanted to D word sooooo bad like PAIN...PAIN….

Can we HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT JUMIN HAN BEING THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE GAME AND HE LOST EVERYTHING IN THIS AE……. he just took the blame and moved on jumin what the hell….. I love him so much r we serious? He watched his 2 closest friends betray him in the worst way and found out abt how Rika abused Saeyoung and Saeran???? I felt just AWFUL. Terrible ...Terrible….

Rika’s change in demeanor from Saeran's actual route is certainly a Choice. I find her much more bearable this time around and unfortunately i think I was too nice to her and ended up with a bad end LMFAO

I was happy to see Saeran stand up for himself and become stronger and confident. You go king!

The CG of Yoosung laying in Zen’s lap is everything to me…

HOWEVER YUP I sure did get a bad ending and I was so mad fdsafdskfdhsf ! (I would be happy to clarify how I got the good one the second time.) MAKE SURE To SAVE EARLY in days 2 and 3 bc the branches on day 4 is where the bad end will show up. For me it was the first day 4 chat and then a story mode titled “SAVIOR”.... If you see that RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I was so mad! But I had saved in day 2 and replayed and MANAGED to get good end

I’m obsessed with everyone calling V and Rika “that psychotic couple” like…..its true its true…

No those two are so toxic… V’s route was torture watching them go on and on about the sun like yo can yall just call each other babe like normal people.

I respect straight people but not V and RIka that shit was just wrong… Straight marriage was a mistake

Oh lord i also FULLY Forgot Rika killed the twins’ mother…. Yeah that scene was um Certainly a lot but it needed to happen eventually

Like it’s good they know but damn that storyline is just so bleak

I think it was satisfying TO A DEGREE….To see Rika understand where she was wrong, why she was wrong, fess up and even APOLOGIZE! I was very surprised.

Saeran and Saeyoung are Certainly twins with the amount that those two self sacrifice in every route MY GOD…..

The scene with Jumin talking to his father and the other scene of him praying oh my god I cannot tell you how happy I was to see him begin to understand and address his own feelings in a route that was not his own. My main problem with Jumin’s route has always been the trapping MC in his penthouse aspect.. This way Jumin understands love and emotions without being overly possessive !!! YAY also loved seeing him be on good terms with his dad who was surprisingly profound

That last Story mode was Really a Lot…. and Strange things occurred which I will get into in just a minute

Jumin becoming a politician is so funny but ngl … i see it.

Yoosung going to france to study pastries ok king I see u! (it made more sense to me than the vet thing anyway)

Lastly Zen FURRY ERA

MY BEEF With the AE

I was happy with how they handled it for the most part. I think Cheritz heard our feedback about V’s after ending and was like okay….let’s try something different

HOWEVER

Saeran…. Sweet kind saeran… IS SO AFFECTIONATE HAHA….

He must have said I love you like 300 times…..very mushy gushy flowery language...and maybe that’s just his personality but for me it was like eating cake with buttercream cake. It means well, but god damn is it sugary and going to cause a stomach ache later.

He was just… SO MUCH! SO forward and ON all the time in his affections. I honestly felt kind of smothered and by day 3 and 4 I was sooooo over all the compliments… King you’ve come a very long way, but ur still putting MC on a pedestal and probably need to see a therapist.

Nextly….Rika and V….. Naw that knock out gas really ...that hurt lol. Coming from “I would do anything to protect RFA” V? Idk like…. EYE felt betrayed reading that. It was just hurtful. I can’t even imagine how the members would have felt as they were passing out. It was just so cruel. I suppose I understand why but like?? Just TERRIBLE

Them being in cahoots with the agency and the prime minister..HUH??? Also too much

V just felt so irresponsible like I do understand that he ended up in a weird web of secrets that’s hard to untangle but he’s so fucking stubborn he’s SO stubborn it makes me insane. Like sir… It seems like in other routes he wanted to try to protect Rika and the RFA.. But in this AE it seems more to me that he was like yeah i’m protecting Rika and That’s It… so fucking hurtful to me. Both of y’all apologize ESPECIALLY to the twins and Jumin..

The forgiveness thing…… Okay so I think some people will not like that Saeran decided to “forgive” the people who hurt him (Rika, V, Saejoong, his mother). I would point out that I actually think this was approached somewhat well. He says at one point that he doesn’t think they’re good or bad, just people. I think he sounded mature and like this was the way for him personally to accomplish his healing process. Would I have loved for Saeran to flip V and Rika off and kick Saejoong off a cliff? Yea I really would. But like…. If that’s what HE needs to do to heal then who am I to judge?

HOWEVER…. Everything Eye just said goes out the window when the scenes at the end with Saejoong come up… I was PERPLEXED. Like why did he HUG his deranged father who just kicked the shit out of him??? Also all the chat options that MC has with him r like blah blah you’re like this because no one loves you were so corny to me LMFAOOOO?

AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE ROOM LATER WITH SAERAN… i’m sorry but if that were me I would have called a nurse to deck his ass. Cool he turned himself in YOU SUCK SOOOO BAD AND I NEVER WANT YOU TO COME NEAR SAEYOUNG AND SAERAN AGAIN THANKS.

*scratches ass* I wish I got to see saeyoung and saeran finally sit down and have that first conversation after a long time and hug CG but the ending was fine I GUESS….. I dont care about ROMANCE I want those boys to be happy brothers together

Anyway that was really emotionally exhausting but I fr think I got it out of my system after literal years… And I can rest in peace knowing the choi twins are happy. THATS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part six (aka me losing my mind over the final problem)

Hi, I am once again reminding you all that I've formed a parasocial relationship with the crackhead detective 👍 This made me overly emotional for the fact that he didnt even die

But like

hhhmmmmmmmm those were certainly an interesting 14 pages

Yeah, I already made a post about how the final problem relates to yuumori's final problem and how incredibly sexy it is but yes now I'd just like to relay to you how absolutely heart brocken i am over this lol I will eventually get to reading the post hiatus stories i just. I haven't emotionally recovered from this yet

Yelling below the cut somehow this reaction feels longer than the story itself. but it's about half cracking jokes and half sobbing so be prepared

I mean, starting off strong with "well yknow since i got married my and sherlock's Very Intimate Relations had to be modified and all but we hadnt seen each other in a while so it was kind of jarring to see him crawling in my second story bedroom window clutching Wounds and closing the shutters absolutely fucking wasted losing his mind over some dude named moriarty"

We've been over this but. Oh my god why are they gay

I just like????? Imagine how fucking bizzare that would be to just see your old homie crawl into your window bleeding on your floor and asking to exit the other way in case he's followed like "hey bro can we Talk i hope you're not busy" WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO, SAY HE IS? Imagine watson just like "no dude I'm fucking busy go get killed"

But legitimately. That's certainly something. And like, I see a lot of books starting like this lmao but. Holmes's stuff usually starts off kind of easily with watson going "yeah so lately ive been Experiencing Sherlock Holmes" and spend 20 minutes on exposition with them having a Conversation but no. mans just fucking escaped a hitman and went directly to his boyfriend's house having apparently Never Before In His Goddamn Life mentioned his actual nemesis to this guy. How the FUCK has watson never heard of him before.

And how sherlock starts talking about it isn't any less funny he's just like "UHHH SO THERE'S THIS GUY. THIS ABSOLUTE MAN. AND HES REALLY IMPRESSIVE I MEAN HES LIKE SUPER FUCKING SMART AND HES LIKE DOING CRIMES????? SO I LIKE. I NOTICED AS I DO BUT HE NOTICED THAT I NOTICED AND I MIGHT HAVE MADE A LITTLE FUCKY WUCKY DUDE CAN YOU HELP ME LIKE. FLEE THE COUNTRY" and watson's like my dear sherlock What The Fuck

Im also loving how he calls moriarty a "mathematical celebrity" awhi;grih;oaewhhta;ioh;iaewh;ii;oewh;eh;rg mans just. ok lol hes a Math Celebrity that had to quit his math teacher job because EVERYONE JUST KNEW HE WAS A CRIME LORD LIKE THEY TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM AND WENT MANS DEFINITELY HAS BODIES IN HIS BASEMENT I DONT WANT HIM TEACHING HERE

But yeah, it was interesting to see what the big deal about og moriarty was... especially since the deal simply did not deliver. There was not really a big deal. It's like reading the first chapter of a book and immediately skipping to the climax. Everything is so hyped up and clearly having been building for years and you just get like NO CONTEXT. I swear Moriarty wasn't goddamn mentioned any time before this. He's just suddenly the big guy and watson has just never fucking heard shit about this guy.

What's so funny about this whole situation is that I just. Cannot objectively know anything about Moriarty at all because sherlock just... does not go into what this dude's alleged crimes even were, other than. The fact that he like. Does them. He's just really involved in crimes. How? Why? For how long? In what way? For what purpose? NO FUCKING CLUE HE JUST. HE JUST DOES. And there's nothing to really suggest that Moriarty was honestly a really evil guy. They're all like trust me he was just. he was just really bad but show absolutely No examples of being such. The most evil thing we saw Moriarty do personally was call sherlock stupid for letting him get into the apartment. And even then he immediately followed it up with complimenting him lol

yeah, my impression of Moriarty was like. I expected him to be worse, honestly. I expected him to be like a cartoon villain because he was kind of made out to be one and then he's just honestly a really polite and refined guy?? Mans strolls the fuck into 221B like hi shawty and it is Not like yuumori obviously man's holding a gun but like. What the fuck they are just. They have never met before but They Clearly Have and it's. its so weird

Like honestly I don't dislike og moriarty. He's really what william tried to be (and fucking failed, but beside the point) but like. Dude's so powerful and for what. He just walks into the apartment with No Pretense like why sherlock holmes is that a revolver or are you just happy to see me oh my goodness you are a dolt why would you hold the gun that way. disgusting. disgraceful. dreadful. Oh my god. I love him I'm sorry

abngnahhghifeah;iewh and Why does sherlock describe him like that hes like "MANS A REALLY REFINED LIZARD /pos" HIEHIFEHW:HGIHOEWFEEW FOR WHAT. FOR W H A T

baaaaaaaaghhhhhh but likeeeee they went STRAIGHT to "you know what I'm here for" "you know how I'm going to respond" "well then" "yeah" "mhm" "damn well it really do be like that sometimes" "ur really smart by the way" "im fucking aware let's kill each other as we both Thought in our Minds" "yes lets" AHDHDHDHDFS WTF THIS IS INSANE

But damn uh. mutual destruction my beloved this is very different from sherliam but im not. im not. opposed to it tucks hair behind ear

I just. Holy shit they really went "if you destroy me I will ensure that we both go down hand in unlovable hand" "I wouldn't mind that"

Annnnd I just noticed that the actual lines for this part kind of. that kind of happened in chapter 31 when sherlock was like i would Gladly die to take down the lord of crime and william was like. hahahah yeahNO NO NO NO

BUT SERIOUSLY THO IM LOSING MY MIND OVER HOW SHERLOCK SAYS THIS WHOLE THING TO WATSON AND HES LIKE DAMN SHAWTY HES LIKE THE REASON FOR HALF THE CRIME IN THIS CITY BUT HES SO NICE THO??? LIKE I EXPECTED HIM TO BE TOUGH AND EVERTHING NO HES JUST SOME POLITE PROPER UNDERSTANDABLE MAN WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE VERY DIABOLICAL shawty is having a Crisis

And then watson is like wowww that was cool you wanna spend the night and sherlock is like "UNFORTUNATELY BESTIE I AM BEING FUCKING TRACKED DOWN ID LIKE YOU TO NOT DIE WITH ME"

This bit gave me a Moment Moment because oh my god. Then watson is like "no shut up i'm coming with you i don't care" and i just had to Take A Minute because THEY SWITCHED PLACES AAH SHERLOCK IS TRYING TO KEEP WATSON SAFE NOW AND WATSON IS NOW MORE RECKLESS BC OF HIM AND. AHHHH

Completely random but. How sherlock still refers to 221B as "our rooms" to watson even though watson hasn't lived their in years........ shawty i am emotional.........

SO THEY GODDAMN FLEE THE COUNTRY TOGETHER BC WATSON SAYS THEY HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER AND SHERLOCK HAS A MOMENT WHERE HE'S LIKE YEAH NEVERMIND PLEASE GO HOME WATSON AND WATSON IS JUST LIKE. NO. AND HSERLOCK IS LIKE. DAMN OK I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE

But. Ok as funny as this is. They have this fucking Conversation on the train to switzerland where sherlock is like "I have not lived in vain" and watson is like "YOURE NOT DYING" and hes like "i have not lived in vain. like i said. this will not be a bad way to die" UHHHHHH DAMN SHAWTY

hhhhhh and it just Gets. it. it. it Gets. These fuckers get to switzerland and they stay in a hotel and then leave for reichenbach but watson gets this goddamn letter telling him that hes needed at the hotel to basically save this lady's life. And he doesn't. Like. he doesn't even want to go he's like FUCK IT SHE CAN DIE IM NOT LEAVING YOU but sherlock convinces him to go fULLY KNOWING THE LETTER WAS FUCKING FAKED BY MORIARTY JUST AS A PLOY TO GET HIM ALONE

AND THEN HE JUST. WENT ANYWAY AND WATSON HAD TO WATCH HIM JUST LIKE GODDAMN WALK OFF INTO THE SUNSET LIKE "LITTLE DID I KNOW THIS WOULD BE THE LAST TIME I WOULD SEE HIM BUT IT JUST. IT HAD THAT VIBE YKNOW"

God I just. Wow sherlock really did that huh. He really went and did that. And I went over it in the post about this compared to yuumori but it just RUINED me how watson just. Never saw what happened and there's just so little information about it that all they have is these assumptions and pieces that just suggest that these guys met up, walked up to the goddamn waterfall having a nice civil conversation about how talented and smart they both were at this and how they revealed their methods to each other and complimented them because of course they did

And they just sat up there talking to each other so long and Moriarty legit waited politely or even possibly was the one that suggested he write a letter to watson in which sherlock just went "damn lol moriarty's pretty nice actually anyway uhhhh sorry watson ily ✌" and just like. left it up there in his damn cigarette box

But just like. damn the insinuation that moriarty just sat there and watched while he wrote that entire goddamn letter, sealed it up, and then got up and went alright buddy let's go but it makes no goddamn sense if they wanted to actually kill each other and assure they themselves would survive I could name like 23 different ways they could have managed it so easily and they Didn't. they were really set on mutual destruction huh. There's no way they were even trying to do anything but Die Together at that point and that's Something huh

It absolutely baffles me how they could say that these guys had plummetted like, holding each other tho. Like. ok lol but How Do You Even Know

It was certainly a ride. But the fact that Watson had to actively try to think like Sherlock to figure out what happened in the scene was just. The cherry on top. Especially after they'd consciously started to switch roles in this i just. Damn.

In conclusion uhhhhhhhh gay people real I suppose

[catboyithaqua]

Ramuda and Doppo :0

OH MY BOYS LETS GO

Under a cut bc long

Ramuda Amemura

First impression

Baby boy baby. Very cute and sweet i love characters with ramudas aesthetic i tend to want to protect them, especially since its an aesthetic that i fall into myself and lo v e so kseidjsnfn YEAH this man is baby!!!

Impression now

Ohhh my god i love this man i love the way he is characterised he is so incredibly interesting as a character and tbh so realistic and honestly i adore him!!! I alarmingly see a lot of myself in him tbh, were incredibly similar and that isnt necessarily a good thing!! But still i love this man

Favorite moment

Oh man where tf do i BEGIN there are so many ngl, but mostly all of the moments where we see ramuda's humanity. There is still a sweetness left under the darkness, there is still a man who wants to cling onto everything he has - his emotion, his internal battles, his morality vs his desperate need to survive - oh fucking man so much.

Idea for a story

CAN WE FUCKING. HAVE RAMUDA TALK HIS SHIT OUT PLEASE can we just have others actively helping ramuda cAN THIS MAN PLEASE BE SHOWN THAT ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR HIM,,, PLEASE,, i just want ramuda to finally talk out everything and have people on his side. Please.

Unpopular opinion

This probs isnt unpopular by any means, but idk what else to put here so take this:

I dont really see it often discussed that yknow ramuda is an abuse victim. Like, its very clear that chuokhu uses and abuses him, and his life is constantly being hung over his head. No wonder the dude is doing anything he can in order to survive, he has no choice in that regard. Before i get told this in the notes yes i know this doesnt excuse the things hes done!!! But tbh i really think that like the trauma that ramuda is living with kinda needs to be addressed.

Favorite relationship

I am a huge multishipper and have found a way to ship ramuda w just about most people (that are adults and not in chuokhu lol) so this is pretty tough

Id say either fling poly or jkrm and these are my reasons lets go:

Fling poly: HAVE YOU S E E N THEM do i really need to say more here all three of them have such good chemistry together, theyre all clearly on the same wavelength and have such a wonderful dynamic,,, they found out about the clones and shit and they STILL chose to protect ramuda and to fight for him and with him and to stay by his side aND BLACK JOURNEY TOO I-- IM GONNA START SOBBING,,,

Jakuramu: this one is not based on canon too much i am sorry this is mostly hc but i am a huge sucker for enemies to lovers ok also, i feel like out of TDD these two would be the ones to reconcile. After all, jakurai is a rather empathetic man and he probably would def understand the situation that ramuda was in. After all this dude was an ex assassin, if ramuda was to tell him everything, im sure that he would be able to relate to yknow the time he took others' lives, people with families and friends that he killed because he was ordered to and most likely had no other choice. Of course, jakurai is well within his right to not forgive ramuda for what happened to yotsutsuji, but i feel like he would and would help him get out of the situation hes in,,, and also im soft for the TDD era ok like how jakurai WANTED TO KNOW THE REAL RAMUDA AND LIKE,,, even when ramuda snapped at him he was GLAD HE WANTSD TO KNOW HIM FUCK MAN,,, i just really like these two ok

Favorite headcanon

I have quite a lot of hcs! Here are a few and like some explanation as to why:

- hes trans - i personally believe this bc personally itd make sense. Ramuda has a very feminine appearance and build, those that are like typically common in asian countries. As well as that, he has his own autonomy unlike the other clones. It wouldnt surprise me if chuokhu orignally wanted to make a girl to keep the other divisions in check, but when he decided personally that he didnt want to be such a way, they said sure, more room for us to treat you as we want to. Hes got money, getting T wouldnt be that difficult for him either, so thats why his voice is. That way fiaudjsnfnd anyway i think it makes sense!! Idk--

- he has bpd - projection probably but the biggest inspiration for this headcanon is how he is emotionally. His swings are violent - he feels and expresses such a diverse range of emotions and its so easy for him to change his emotional disposition - whilst also mostly feeling totally empty. Relationship wise also, given how he was genuinely really close to jakurai and then completely splitting on him, h a t i n g him. Yeah that sounds like bpd to me chief i know i have it!!! Theres more ik there is but i cant pull up examples rn

- hes neurodivergent - again mostly projection honestly and like there isnt much of a canon basis in his behaviour, just little things, but i like to personally hc that aside from eating candy to stay alive duh, that he chooses lollipops bc they serve as a sort of stim?? Also ik that fashion is his job but hes also so so clearly passionate about it that its a special interest for him, and thats partially why he took it up as a job in the first place, so he could do something related to his special interest lol. Idk i know there isnt any basis for this but just let me have autistic ramuda iaiesjdnsnfn

Doppo Kanonzaka

First impression

Now THATS what i call a tired mf!!! This dude has yves saint laurent eyebags also he really reminds me of aggretsuko somehow??? Im really not sure what it is

Impression now

Yeah i was def right with the aggretsuko comparison siaishsnshfb BUT I LOVEEE HIM i love him very much and i think this man really needs a break and is also very relateable i love

Favorite moment

As much as i love fp i absolutely adore the badass koments that doppo has including when he absolutely fucking obliterated fling posse sksjxnxncn also!! All of his little moments with hifumi i genuinely enjoy their dynamic its so cute

Idea for a story

Honestly i wanna see him slowly recover from the teauma that he has experienced because this king absolutely deserves it, and also from a practical point of view itd make this mf s t r o n g e r i also just.... long to see doppo happy honestly he deserves to smile!!

Unpopular opinion

I dont really have an unpopular opinion but saving like leaving this blank: as much as i absolutely adore jakurai and hifumi and their music (jakurai is my fave out of every hypmic character and i WILL drive this home), to me doppo just has the best music. Like, i love tigridia and BLACK OR WHITE so fucking much its absolutely unreal and all of doppos verses in every song are juust so fucking good. As much as i listen to you are, therefore i am on repeat every day of my life doppos music is just the best ✨

Favorite relationship

Again i am a huge multishipping bitch and i habe a few ships with doppo but in ahll honesty my fave is very clear - i absolutely adore his dynamic with matenrou as a whole and especially hifumi - his relationship with hifumi is clearly so special and it really shows how strong their friendship is, and in a ship sense i find it to be realy cute bc theres such a clear need for each other and that even if they clearly come at odds sometimes, at the end of the days theyre still clearly so close and i just,,, god doppo reallt deserves someone like hifumi in his life and im so glad that he has it!!!!

Favorite headcanon

Honestly i dont really think i have too many for doppo but given his general demeanor and his attitude, i personally hc him as demi. Yeah i know that sexualities dont have like typical personalities and such but i feel like given his anxieties around new people and how he clearly only really sticks to those that hes very close with, it makes more sense for him to be demi than any other sexuality to be quite honest - and this is also just pushing my hifudo agenda aiqiauansnssn but yknow!!!!

[macklives]

hi. so..... its been a while huh? feels kinda weird making a message on here, after what??? a month of not posting at fucking all??

and idk how to say that im sorry for taking so long, especially with kallie kinda sticking with me pretty much the whole time i was away. so we both kinda went AFK on everybody. and by god, this has also been the longest gap between updates. so yeah... i feel you all are owed an explanation. 

id like to give a short summary of what went down in my life recently. not so much as an excuse for my disappearance, but bearing in mind, i can't just come back suddenly without a notice as to why it took so long, and then start discussing homestuck theories as if nothing happened, that would be ...weird and off putting. im known as one to talk a lot in a post, so i think its expected. buckle up kiddos, this may be a long one, which you dont have to necessarily read, but im simply putting it out there for you all in case any of you may have been worried or confused. 

ALSO, keep in mind im alright with sharing this information because i needed some time to get over it in order to accept it, and being able to say this stuff means im pretty much ready to move on and go back to what it was like before (which for someone who has trouble focussing, can get quite fucking hard). so here's the last few months in a nutshell:

i got my wisdom teeth pulled so i was both in pain and numb for a week and a half after being drugged up with, idk, the IV they use to knock you tf out and that needle to numb your teeth?? and having those bad boys outta my mouth so that was a fun time. fuck that shit.

uhhh on the more upsetting side of things, a friend of mine recently passed away, but i took some time to recover from that. i didnt want to bum everybody out by liveblogging while in that state, nor did i feel like it was right to make jokes at that time (for obvious reasons) so i took some time off. and while i do still care for that person, after a while you have to come to terms that your life can't evolve around grief, and you have to move on eventually. its been a month and im doing way better than i was in the first week. so you dont have to worry really.. i even heard about the messages friends wrote on discord and let me tell you that i appreciate every response, i love all of them, i love all of you guys, but if any of you worry about me as of today, just know im doing perfectly fine and thats behind me now. so yeah, thats the worst of the news..

on less distressing matters, i changed up my job! i used to be a waitress at a restaurant to get that not so mucho money cash flowing, and now i got a full time placement as an intern (sort of full-time. full-time with student conditions). which in hindsight, to some may not sound like its any helpful, but considering im in my final year of college and i have to explore new places to get experience, id rather go where its needed so i reach that specific goal in mind. and you have to start somewhere, so this is where ill start heading. though i do still have to graduate which will take a lot of stress out of me eventually but it hasnt yet caught up lol... yikes to when that fuse blows in the future. 

and finally, the most frustrating part of the month, idk who it was specifically, the company or the landlord, but eh details arent that important, anyways, the landlord and/or its agency messed up with our rental situation and lost a lot of our info so i had to spend a lot of time trying to get that back while also filling out tax returns bc those were finally put out. so yeah, we kinda just have to wait for a notice, though i personally think everything will be fine. we’re considering moving out eventually, but thats probably gonna have to wait a bit longer. while we’re still angry, the landlord respected that it was out of line and apologised while making it up to us, so that was fair enough.

so YEAH, you can pretty much say its been one hell of a fucking month, and i had barely any time to liveblog let alone be in contact with friends that i kinda missed so fucking much????... i basically didnt want to bring anybody down with me (emotionally or mentally), so i decided to at least give you all a warning that i wouldnt be on for a while, hence the last update a few weeks prior, and to take a break for myself to figure out my situation, to rest, and to try and get healthier despite that wisdom fuck week, which nobody warned me wisdom teeth removals were ABSOLUTE HELL

but... im glad to be back, im not sure ill get back into the rhythm of how things used to be, meaning, posting almost every day....that would have to wait a bit unfortunately. however, i think it would be best if i made a sort of schedule for myself. maybe a liveblog twice a week, starting the next. it would help out a lot. i hope to start off with that at least, and not push myself too hard for hours anymore nor the stress of needing to post daily. i loved it, dont get me wrong, but sometimes it took a lot out of me since i know it takes a lot of my time. that being said, i will be on discord, maybe tomorrow? and probably be more active on there from now on, since everything is sorta cleared in my life and there's no more hectic commotion 24/7. the only thing at this rate stopping me from being active is having family over in the next couple weeks. but otherwise, yeah, its good to be back and im again sorry for my absence once more.

yours, 

mackenzie <33

[asherlockstudy]

I get that interview was HBO forced but it sounds insane when last season, he was saying Jaime needed to get away from her for good. I mean no nice post about Gwen after the last ep. I dont believe it was about not wanting to stir the hornet's nest if him and B didnt get together as he posted a huge loving one about Lena and that was a very controversial part of the plot. If hed know posted a gwen one saying"sorry JB didnt get a happy ending but here's me and Gwen in happier times" i dont get it

I think it’s very weird too…Imma analyze it. Not that I’m gonna reach any solid conclusion but I will just lay out all my thoughts.

Whatever the reason Nik doesn’t post or reply publicly to Gwen is, it has nothing to do with his personal preference for Braime or Jaime x Cersei. Even if we make the insane assumption that Nik appreciated that Jaime dumped Brienne to return to murderous Cersei and die with her without serving any purpose in the main plot (what lead actor of 8+ years would ever like being unimportant in the ending plot) and saw “pOeTRy” in it, it still doesn’t explain why he should prefer posting about Lena over Gwen. We would be naive to think he made a post about Lena and not Gwen because he prefers Cersei to Brienne. So, we still have no clear evidence of what Nik’s private thoughts and feelings are for his character after the ending. 

Here’s what we have: 

We have two interviews: one with HBO rofl and one with that journalist who collaborates with HBO and was an insider (I’m not gonna search his name) in which he stans Jaime’s choices, his love for Cersei and the tragic poetry in it all. Then we have him promoting the episodes and the documentary in his instagram and twitter, however he is entirely emotionally detached from his character and his fate. I would say he lowkey looks entertained in his weird af episode promo videos and secretly amused while filming the “thank you” video after the last episode where he says “Come on, it was great” and suggests a petition for an Arya (huh?) sequel.

We have two videos uploaded on yt with him: one is a video of a stalker in which Nik looks uncomfortable and passes the question to the random guy next to him who apparently happens to be a GOT fan, have an elaborate opinion on the last season, hate D&D and think they threw away Jaime’s beautiful character arc. What are the odds…The second is a skit in Jimmy Kimmel in which Nik drags his own character by making him stupid and clumsy, a sad little being because of his maiming and, most importantly, an unrepentant sister fucker. All of Jaime’s worst qualities displayed for laughs, plus that he’s actually a likeable but very stupid person. The skit ends with a dragon randomly burning him and his family alive and those credits

So, we have straightforward criticism towards D&D by Kimmel and NCW actually participates in it. This is what this skit means - that this level of writing, this kind of lame character and that ludicrous death is something that only Benioff and Weiss would like to produce. And, well, the Olsen sisters (although I think they’re cleverer than that). 

So, we have two videos where NCW’s intentions are dubious AT BEST. 

Then we have all the promos. When left to speak on his own, Nikolaj would say how the ending was beautiful and made sense and he once mentioned he sent a letter to thank them for this genius plot…Right. But then when asked or caught off guard (1:04): 

Nobody tries to sugarcoat it, look at the title of the video: … NCW is ‘happy’.  Then of course we have our Lady and Saviour Gwen who tries not to laugh as Nik struggles to find what to say and not just stand up and flee.

Also, this one. The best one: 

I could make a thousand gifs for this but just watch again the entire video:

0:07 - Gwen’s face when Nik says he thought the script was fantastic

1:13 - “N-no..NO!!!” when asked if he would change something in the ending and Gwen’s reaction to that. Then, our leader Gwen proceeds to mock him: “So, it’s an immaculate- It’s immaculate?” to which Nik impulsively replies: “NO!” and goes on “do you ever read a book and think you want to rewrite this?” which implies, that yes he would want to rewrite it but knows he can’t. 

(3:03 - 3:06) - VERY IMPORTANT ONE. When Gwen wondered who was closer to predicting the actual ending, Nik says “I was, yeah” and OMG look at Gwen’s face. It’s very subtle but she’s trying to communicate with her eyes a “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT” to him without being seen by the interviewer. It’s kind of a wife done with her husband’s shit look tbh, that level of subtlety. And Nik answers back with his eyes in equal subtlety and it’s like he says a “What? I truly was right lol….”. To me, this seems to mean that Nik always knew or feared that D&D would eventually destroy all his work and was eventually proven right. Unless this all is about Dany being killed by Jon but I doubt at this point Nik and Gwen cared enough to go all cryptic and eye communicating for this. No, it was about them. 

3:09 - Nik is surprised and then clearly amused at the information by the interviewer that Kit was the one who came closer with his prediction. He can’t hide his smile and says an ironic “good for him” while looking knowingly at Gwen who then says this must be a lie. This shows that it is known amongst the actors that most of them are disappointed and Kit was one of them. Both Nik and Gwen apparently knew Kit hated his ending too and would never expect this to be how the show would wrap up. BTW that writing and that backlash really got to Kit, I hope he recovers soon. But think about this, Kit went into rehab for stress and alcohol, Emilia was devastated and gave a somewhat concerning interview and Nik’s public behaviour regarding GOT is inconsistent and unpredictable. I am thus assuming the writing of the final season and the backlash fucked them up way more than they let on. 

This interview is a gem but here’s the most important part, perhaps the core of what baffles us: 

1:32 - After all the miserable no-nos poor Nik mumbles, Gwen tells Nik what we all think: “I think it’s just a question, you know? Maybe you want to answer it?”

Of course he’s in a total loss for words. Literally, he doesn’t make any sense. Some incoherent sounds come out of his mouth and that’s it. This can mean two things: either he truly thinks the ending is perfect or the ending made him such a mess that he can’t even process it verbally two years later. 

Either Gwen is much braver and Nik is extemely paranoid or Nik actually has many more restrictions in what he is allowed to say. I believe Gwen wanted Nikolaj to be as open as her about it and she still tries to make him open up but he doesn’t. In all the promos without exception, Gwen looks as if she knows Nik is full of shit and secretly agrees with her. If Gwen knows that for a fact, then we can’t argue and it’s actually what makes sense anyway. Nikolaj agrees with Gwen but is not eager to discuss it openly yet, or ever. This could be because he is very professional or because he doesn’t want to get a bad name as a “backstabber” of his projects or it might be a situation of a more sensitive nature. 

If those rumours that the S8 script was changed are true, then Nik and Lena might have had a serious breakdown with D&D and a negotiation might have taken place. For instance, Nik and Lena were really unnecessary in E6, Nik’s scene in E1 could have been eliminated as well and Lena does not appear in E3. Yes, they are big actors but paying them 1,2 million for every episode seems a tad excessive when Emilia and Kit are now famous too and have like 300% times more screentime. All this is wild speculation but maybe they stretched their appearance in the episodes as much as possible and gave them a good amount of money to agree on the butchering of their characters and their importance as former lead actors. I mean, especially Lena was downgraded to a secondary character in this season. Lena had to really fight to see her salary rise in the previous seasons. And now it’s a million for every episode? Wow. How many minutes was she staring out of the window in S8? Maybe they were silenced and payed a shitload of money to stop complaining and promote the show and praise the writing as what it was supposed to be. Maybe they payed them in order to promote Peter, Kit and Emilia for the Emmys instead, who knows. When so much money is involved, things can get frustrating in ways we don’t even fathom. This is wild and rough speculation but all I’m saying is there may be reasons Nik avoids talking freely about his character that we can’t know. 

Besides, it’s not just a Gwen problem. It is not a Gwen problem. Gwen revealed she sent a “Jaime is a fuckboi” meme to Nik privately and he answered playfully as ever (but again as if he’s in denial). They posted a story together a couple of weeks ago. Nik did not just ignore Gwen’s instagram post. Daniel Portman posted the photo and tagged Nikolaj too. Nik ignored him as well. Bryan Cogman, who Nik and Gwen owe a lot to, commented under the photo in a very sweet and emotional way. Guess what, Nik ignored him too! It’s ridiculous to think Nikolaj has stopped communicating and caring about Gwen AND Daniel AND Bryan just because his character returned to Cersei. Furthermore, the fact that they all keep tagging him shows they don’t think their relationships with him have become tense. 

That’s not it. It’s not about Gwen. The only way that Gwen is involved in all this is that she wants Nikolaj to open up so that he would give a little acknowledgement to her character and the relationship with Jaime because she feels very much for Brienne. I’m sad to say, however, that it seems to me that Nik did not take that blow more lightly than Gwen. In fact, his behaviour is more inconsistent and troubling whereas Gwen’s openness about it made her confront that sore subject more healthily after all. I start believing Nik was actually way more devastated than Gwen. At least Brienne remained a decent character, ever faithful to her ideals, ever innerly strong. Jaime was entirely trashed, let alone that he was supposed to be a main character. If Nik can’t even handle a photo that reminds him of his destroyed character arc, I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe Gwen wants Nik to open up so much for his benefit as well - he keeps it bottled up and she might know first hand how that affects him.

Long story short, the reasons Nik doesn’t post anything about his feelings for Jaime’s character arc, his relationship with Brienne and his collaboration with Gwen probably are both professional, after begrudging deals and agreements and restrictions from HBO, and very personal, inner and private, as he’s still trying to cope with a disappointment that crushed down on him from what used to be his dream job and a role he hoped would be a (or the) peak of his career. I bet all these years Nik was hopeful Jaime would be extremely important and fully redeemed in the end but also extremely scared and anxious that the writers won’t give him what he hoped for and what made sense. Would I exaggerate if I said this should be the biggest professional disappointment he ever experienced, provided that he didn’t like the character’s ending? 

From everything Gwen has said about him, I have surmised that Nik is very emotional and anxious but with a very blasé and superficially amiable attitude. He avoids expessing emotion in real life which is why he might be dissociating a lot lately. He tries to distance himself from that part of Jaime’s character that involved Bryan and Gwen because this is the part that he loved and lost. Honestly, I can’t think of any other logical reason he ignored Gwen, Dan and Bryan one after the other and never made a post about his own character specifically or his good times with Gwen. It’s obviously not that he suddenly hates all of them to the point of not even replying. Even if HBO restricts him on what he can say in interviews for a while, there is no other explanation for this other than that D&D’s genius writing fucked him up emotionally as much as Emilia and Kit and he does not want to deal with it even though Gwen probably thinks it would be for the best if he did. 

Now after I wrote all this, imagine if Nikolaj actually doesn’t give a shit and is just happy going on with his life while I am here wasting time. But… I don’t think so. I will never not believe Nik didn’t love Jaime to pieces. He had big dreams for this role, I am sure of it. 

[roachfurby]

It seems to me that the epilogue with the creation of a hospital for the Templars is more suitable for Samson than for Cullen. But Bioware could not allow anyone to become better than their holy Cullen. What do you think?

TLDR GOING HERE BC I RANTED SORRY (rant under cut): 

First off, sorry for taking so long to reply, I accidentally took my night time meds instead of my day time meds earlier and my ability to function and like. articulate thoughts has not been ideal lmao. also im still really fucky so if i sound like a crackhead im sorry lol

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’d have switched Samson and Cullen’s Inquisition roles immediately if given the option. Why bioware is so obsessed with him is absolutely befuddling to me - especially when it came to inquisition.

Cullen’s story arc was completed in DA2, imo, while Samson’s was just beginning. Cullen didn’t really DO any growth in Inquisition other than the whole quitting lyrium thing, and even then it’s just like. One cut scene and a bit of war table banter? He still hates mages. He’s still heavily supports the templars. Nothing about him changes or grows, even if you romance him as a mage. If you romance him as a mage, he sees you as an exception, and then continues to spout bigoted nonsense about how dangerous mages are. 

Samson had so much more potential for growth, and would have fit into the “Progressive Commander” role much more easily given his notable (though imperfect) support of mages in DA2. His issue with lyrium are also already shown in DA2, and his struggle to quit lyrium as commander in inquisition would have had much more impact on him as a character and on players emotionally. The lyrium rehab would have been a massive accomplishment and source of pride for him, something with strong ties to his background and his struggles, while for cullen it seems more like an afterthought imho.

As for a romance route, the potential for angst+comfort is so fucking good. Struggling with lyrium withdrawal? Feelings of inadequacy in his position? Templar guilt? Overwhelmed by Everything? SO much comfort potential. Not to mention the fact that the reason he was kicked from the templars in the first place was bc he was smuggling love letters to and from a mage and his lover - thats romantic as hell?? Absolutely lovely?? He was willing to take a massive risk to let two lovers keep in contact, got booted out of the templars for it, continued to support mages, and even tried to save one of them after the world went to shit, and they choose Creepen Stalkerford (shout out to fem!surana/amell lol) instead?? the fuck. 

Maybe its because Cullen was a useful pawn to make it easier to force the whole grey morality thing. Leliana is a mage supporter, and Josephine speaks in favor of the mages a few times. Maybe to them Cassandra (and Viv. and bull. and Sera.) wasn’t enough of a pro-templar influence, or they felt they needed a staunchly pro-templar adviser, not a companion. No matter the reason, he honestly feels shoehorned in - they suspiciously do not have anyone mentioning the darker parts of his past in the game, they dont have anyone speaking out against him, it’s as if they tried to wipe all of the problematic (and honestly, evil) parts of his past away to make room for this new Courageous Tortured Soul who wants to speak out against the “injustices of the chantry against templars” or whatever the fuck. 

Meanwhile, there is a wonderful option to allow character growth for a man who has done little wrong other than to send refugee mages to shifty people (but where else could he send them?) and has suffered at the hands of the chantry far, far worse. Cullen left of his own accord, after years of being in power. Samson was tossed out into the streets, lyrium addicted, for allowing lovers to keep in contact. And what do they do with this character? the sidekick to the shittiest main villain in the damn franchise. The wasted potential is sickening!!!!

Fuck, even if Samson wasn’t the commander, the potential for him to be brought in by the inquisition as a companion or even perhaps an agent would have been leagues better!! Personal or war table missions (depending on if hes a companion or agent) relating to lyrium and helping him and/or other addicts recover safely, the Inquisition showing support for those seeking aid by creating the rehabilitation centers. Less of a chance of people falling prey to tainted lyrium and joining corypheus if there are safe alternatives available, yes? And, as for the grey morality scale bioware wants with the companions? Just have him be an optional companion! That way, if a player wanted their inquisition to be heavily pro-templar (freaks) then they could just say “no thanks” and be on their way, personal morality in tact. 

Not to mention that any of these options would make it so that everyone would get Calpernia as secondary villain, who honestly feels much more deep and fulfilling as a villain.

anyway ive exhausted my 2 brain cells for the day. please grab a nice tall glass of Loving Samson Juice on ur way out :)

[jacfletch]

so idk if this is a silly question but I've been reading your fics (which are amazing btw) and I was wondering how do you see Jac's mental health? or how do you think Fletch sees it (ik he doesn't know enough to really know but he was there when she her anxiety attack)

thank you!

my very first instinct to this question is to say that i don’t think jac has a “diagnosable illness” like depression or anxiety. personally, i don’t think she displays any of the usual symptoms of either besides her one on screen panic attack, but having only one doesn’t justify a whole diagnosis imo. i think it’s possible that she has some kind of personality disorder but i only have about 2 semesters worth of psych classes under my belt and i’m really not comfortable throwing words around like i know what i’m talking about, so i won’t do that. 

that being said, 100% its possible to talk about mental health without putting a specific label on it. i’d say that jac has bad mental health, which i believe is due to her traumatic childhood (where she lacked the resources to learn things like emotional maturity (and just to be clear, i dont think she lacks maturity in general or that i think shes emotionally immature, just that she’s bad at identifying her emotions and expressing them in healthy ways) which isn’t to say that i think all kids with absent/neglectful/abusive parents and/or guardians are that way, but we have contextual evidence to support jac’s lack of emotional support from her guardians). i do think she has some symptoms that coincide with “diagnosable illnesses” like a lack of self worth & grandiosity, general mood swings, irritability, fear of abandonment, self destructive behavior, etc etc etc. a lot of things have gotten better over time (like, in earlier seasons she had wildly erratic behavior with little care as to how it affected her and the people around her, but now she has permanent relationships with emma, sacha, fletch, etc. and knows that if she’s doing something dangerous, that its not just her that deals with the consequences or even facing consequences at all.) 

speaking for jac as she is now in 2019, i think that lack of self worth combined with narcissism is her biggest struggle. Professionally, she believes that she’s the best that there ever was or will be, but personally, i don’t think she likes herself. for the past year or so, we’ve seen more as a patient than we have as a doctor, which has taken a massive toll on her. if she believes that her worth comes from her surgical skills, then removing herself from it will— and has— made her feel worse emotionally. we’ve seen a couple of scenes where she says she thinks that being a good doctor is all that she has and that if she can’t operate, then she’s worthless. she knows that shes a great doctor, which is where her narcissism comes in, but she also hates herself personally, which i think feeds into the narcissism as well. you ever heard that saying thats like “i think that i’m the worst, so i act like i’m the best”? That’s how i would describe her.

now, i’m having difficulty forming my thoughts into a concrete statement, but i think it’s possible that somewhere along the way growing up, she learned that being the best at academia and succeeding professionally made her worthy of love and would, eventually, result in people needing her, which is where i think her fear of abandonment comes in. her narcissism makes her hard to work with as a person, but she knows that she’ll never be “unworthy” of people’s time because she’s good at her job. yes, she’s mean and yes, she pushes people to their limit, but the hospital needs her because she’s the best that there is and, subsequently, she will never be abandoned by her job. she will always be jac naylor, M.D., and she thinks that she will always be at the top of her field, which is why when other people come in and challenge how good she is, she takes it to heart and acts irrationally in order to compete with them and show off her skills to prove that shes better than them.

right now, she’s in a weird place because she’s just gotten off her year long stint as a patient and now has/had frieda, zosia, and kian (i assume) coming in and telling her that she’s not as ahead of the game as she used to be, so i think she’s struggling

there are obviously other complexities at play here. she has a child and her fears of abandonment are both upscaled and downscaled. upscaled, because she worries that emma will love jonny & his new wife more than she loves her. downscaled because she intrinsically knows that emma will always love her and will, hopefully, never abandon her. she also has her relationship with sacha and though at first she pushed him away, he’s proven that her fear of him abandoning her is unfounded because she’s pulled some pretty wack shit while he’s been around and he’s still her best friend. and fletch, whom she pushes away because she’s afraid that she’ll ruin their relationship if they become romantic, and she doesn’t want to be left again. 

there are some other things i wanted to mention but i lost an entire train of thought, so unfortunately all i can say about that is that she pushes people away before they can push her away, like in the case of jonny and jasmine. you can’t get hurt if no ones around to hurt you lol. 

in regards to how fletch sees jac’s mental health, i think he sees her as a (forgive me for being corny) strong independent woman. he’s said that he’s seen her at her lowest and watched her pick herself up in ways he didn’t think was possible and put her life back together. he saw her panic attack and helped her through it. he also saw her recover after being shot and then recover after all of her subsequent surgeries. and i think he does know that jac puts on a brave face and acts like shes the best because she’s covering up her own insecurities, but hes not worried about her in the sense that he feels the need keep a watchful on her, but maybe he checks in with her every once in awhile to make sure she’s not in a bad place or just to be someone to lean on in case she needs it

[r0xelita]

Lets talk about something super personal and important thing: EMOTIONAL LABOR

Since I have no one to talk about this issue and i often see how fixated society is about not opening up about mental illness because it is still seen as personal weakness I feel the NEED to share my thoughts on this topic and my personal experience with it. I am not seeking pity for my situation, I just want you to think about your own position towards emotional Labor and I BET many many many of you will probably relate to the things im going to say.

I hear it very oftenly that people envy me because of my lifestyle, because it seems to be so romantic and achievable: i do cool art stuff, i am a good dancer, i study at art school which seems chilling for many people, i love to powerlift, have good athletic skills, a unique style, a beautiful apartment, a sweet dog, many people view my look as desirable and many other stuff i hear. Yes, these things are strengths of mine, these are things that make me feel alive. I can take these compliments and i am happy that people love these things about me (except the fact how i look this is not a personal strenght or anything that makes someone worthy of love). ...

But the thruth is that these are things that only sound romantic in theory. I am not happy with my life. And i often hear that these things are reasons that I HAVE NO RIGHT to be unhappy because other people view them as positive. And here is the reason why i am constantly unhappy in my oh so pretty life: the amount of EMOTIONAL LABOR i am bringing up towards almost everyone in my life and how it slowly kills you when you dont stop it in time!!

I am happy to say that i am a (not yet fully) recovered grown up that is very aware of their actions and seeks constantly for self improvement, since i started therapy in 2008 i am very focused on my 'mental hygiene' and i am good at handeling myself with all my deficits and taking care of myself. Even though the emotional labor stuff is this one thing i think is super hard to handle because you somehow can not act as the FULLY grown up sometimes.

Every day is unbelievably EXHAUSTING. In many relationships (not only romantic) in my life i brought this HEAVY amount of emotional labour and not getting anything in return and just ending up being exhausted by starting the same conversations over and over again, taking responsibilites of other people because i was accepting the fact that they "couldnt do it",  taking alot of damage because i confounded neglecting your own needs with "being emotional strong" and thinking that it somehow is your own fault rather than letting the other person to be held accountable of their own shit behaviour.

You can say it - on a psychoanalytic level- that it really is somehow my fault. It is scientifically proven that we always seek for partners or relationships that we think can solve our childhood trauma. I grew up under extremely chaotic circunstances without any stability in my life which heavily affected my mental health as a child and teenager. Due to emotional abuse, manipulation, violence and the fact that my feelings or just the way i am is not valid and always wrong i (just like every child that learns any concepts and behaviour to be accepted by their parents because its dependent on then) adapted everything i felt and did with the goal of being loved, valued and accepted.

(This is a very critical topic when your parents also suffer from mental illness, i do not want to speak of guilt and i do not want to call anyone out.)

So logically seeking for partners that somehow represent your parents to replay your childhood trauma with the hope of solving it, everyone does this, even the mentally healthy people and it is not always a negative thing. For me it was falling in love with way older men who seemed to be able to give me the fatherly validation that i was missing, but also ending up with men who are aggressive, shouting when theyre angry and letting me down. You seek for these things because these are the situations that you are used to and give you a kind of false comfort.

When i became aware of my problem and seeing my childish needs that were never fullfilled (and sadly developong a personality disorder because at one point you start feeling and acting like you learned it from your parents) I seeked therapy... and it helped me to turn into a well reflected, grown up responsible person. I am obsessed with improvement and my psychological knowledge is probably the most expanded thing about me lol. So i am sometimes a little bit too fixated about "doing the right things" and not letting my chilhood trauma to control my life anymore. But this is also a dangerous thing, as it collaborates with my childish concept that other peoples well being is more important than my own i somehow, like i said before, i felt like being emotionally developed and strong allows me to put up with problematic behaviour and seeing it as a kind of self validation, like being the one who is strong and has the capacity of helping people who are still struggling with their deficits.

But this is SO WRONG. Just because you are strong doesnt mean that your partner/family member/any person has to use your ressources without giving anything in return.

Just because the other person has misconceptions as a side effect of their trauma it gives them NO RIGHT to act their unreflected emotions out!!

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES BAD FEELINGS. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE FEELING "ATTACKED". THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO ATTACK YOU JUST BECAUSE THEY FEEL ATTACKED.

THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO ACT IT OUT JUST BECAUSE YOU TRIGGERED THEIR TRAUMA.

EVERYONE HOLDS THEIR OWN ACCOUNTABILITY OF HOW THEY FEEL AND ACT.

A PERSONS ABUSE DOES NOT JUSTIFY ABUSING YOU.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND FEELINGS.

And so the roles reversed, i am unvoluntarily often in the role of the caretaker, the mother, the one who has to put away their problems. When i want to critzise someone i have to think about how other people will interpret my critique/problem according their own beliefs and traumata, most people will see it as you attacking them. But me not talking about my problems is not the right solution, it would put me in the same role as i was as a child. So the right way is to take your responsibility to talk about your needs and problems and setting limitations towards the person feeling attacked and the following abusive behaviour against you.

But why is this so hard for so many people? Think about your emotional labour you are bringing up to the table. Think about how many times the other person does not reflect their behaviour. Think about how you ALWAYS have to explain why something is wrong and literally have to play the therapist or mother just because they do not care about their emotional hygiene and they do not take the responsibility of their needy child inside of them. Think about how often you hear "I feel bad because YOU.../I am angry because YOU.../YOU are responsible for how i feel!". Thinking about all the times they are "sorry" but never make any serious attempt to change their situations and keep putting the responsibility for everything on you (and even keep justifying their actions/feelings)

Think about how much energy you spent to "make them feel better" until you realize that this is not your fucking job. Think about how many times you asked yourself if it maybe was your guilt? Think about how many of your expectations they meet, what you get in return? How many times did you think "I have to put up with this because i love this person/they are my family/etc." and you also keep justify their abuse, because you HAVE to be the wrong one? It will ALWAYS create an imbalance in a relationship and you will never be on the same eye level, which is the absolute basic thing any sort of relationship needs.

There is a huge stigma of being the one who acts wrong, so many people do absolutely not want to admit that they did anything bad or are in an abusers position. In my therapy i learned to have a healthy relationship to my mistakes, bad actions do not define me and i have enough self confidence to admit when i am wrong and i am reflected enough to be aware of taking responsibility of it. Thats how learning works. But back to the topic.

That means me putting up with this equals not taking care of my emotional wellbeing. That is my BIG mistake. Ive already lost alot because of my duty to take care of myself and speaking. For example the half of my family. This is a sad thing but i can live with it because i know i acted like a grown up and recognized their false (childish) behaviour. And then comes my emotional labour again: i want them to understand the situation, I HAD to explain that i am not personally attacking them, I wanted to make them feel better by forcing them to think about themselves. I was the one who reflected THEIR feelings.... and putting mine away. I stopped. This was not right. I had to leave them with their misconceptions. I had to leave them with their anger. They are responsible. And i am responsible for saving myself from behaviour like this. You cant be always the understanding person who puts up with everything. You can not achieve/force their understanding. Its not your problem. And not your fault.

(Believe it or not. It is also a misogynistic concept rooted in our society where the woman needs to put up with mens shit, childish behaviour is a thing that is accepted in men, almost expected, so many will not feel the need to think about themselves, seek therapy or seeing anything wrong in their behaviour. It also explains why most of straight couples are more like mother/son relationships because their (aware or not) inner child seeks for a second mother lmao. What i want to say: it is not an indivdual problem, rather a cultural/social one. )

I am still in relations such like that. How does my "romantic and achievable" life look like. It looks like lying in the bed. The whole day. I cannot move, i have zero energy. I have several somatic issues like chronic intestinal and stomach cramps, aching limbs, migraines, fatigue, i am literally never hungry because i am full of emotions that there is no room for food and when i force myself to eat i always have the feeling i need to throw up (not in relation to my bulimic past, its rather the cramps that cause this feeling), my skin is terrible because of my psoriasis which gets worse with every stressful event.

I do nothing. I cant finish my comic. I cant get myself together to make art. I barely response to messages. I often skip class. I have problems to handle a 3 peoples household on my own. I barely do things i enjoy. I isolate myself from people.

Not because i think thats right. I learned how to handle depression issues. But can you imagine how fucking big the impact of emotional labor can be, even on a person who is in good therapy for 10 years?

I try anything. I change my noutrishment, my environment, i pay for medicaments and try to fix these symptomps. But it wont help. You have to work on the root. Take care of yourself. Of YOUR emotional hygiene. Yes, help other people and be supportive but never never ever put yourself away to make others feel better. You can be a loving partner/son/daughter/friend/etc. and STILL take responsibility! You are not a rehabilitation center for other people.

Yes, it is hard to keep the balance. But you will figure it out and will grow!!!

[closedspeciesdrama]

Wow... some of you people are honestly fucking disgusting. M2 does have a point. Perhaps its you people whom dont understand what its like to be emotionally abused by someone who is mentally disabled. Yes, they have a mental problem but it does not give them the right to treat people like garbage. Ive had former friends who played the disabled card any time they hurt me and then went on to say "Im mental so you need to understand me" when I confronted them. Without any appologies. Smh (1/2)

(2/2) What M2 is trying to get across is that while mental disabilities are indeed a factor in people’s behavior, there comes a point where someone is just being an asshole. They, like anyone else, should learn from their mistakes and not expect the world to revolve around them because they might have an issue. Everyone has issues some more severe than others. Again, it still doesnt mean you can treat eachother like crap.

Id also like to clarify on my two part post, pointing out someones bad behavior, mentally disabled or handicapped, is not the equivalent of making fun of them. Nor am I refering to those whom have SEVERE forms of mental issues such as high functioning autism that literally cannot communicate properly. I understand being patient with someone who needs a bit of time to learn from there mistakes but its not a get out of jail free card. Thats all M2 is saying.

This just in! Anons have no cs drama to bitch about so they attack the mods. Oh the humanity

Honestly the real trashholes are the idiots ragging on M2. I mean really??? You guys are so willing to got out and attack them . You guys are just as horrible. Because you guys took the time out of your day to go and be nasty back. And then go and tell em be humble and shit?? Fuck all of you anons. You /could/ have addressed the issue much more civilly than this. I’m not trying to pick sides, but it’s pathetic when people resort to this bullshit

wow using words like the r word and snowflake when defending people with mental disabilities doesn’t make it quite effective lol?????

Hoooly shizz, are people seriously that dense? Someone defends their points on how things are going and y'all are getting so butthurt about it. I know this place can get some trashy anons by my dear, y'all got some serious nerve calling someone scum and telling them to leave for this. Hope you’re not taking all this to heart M2, not all the anons are that hate-filled ;n;

No, anon. If they are mentally ill, disabled or otherwise neurodivergent, DESPITE the difficulties they may have understanding social cues, being polite or understanding that they were rude and apologize, it is STILL not an excuse to not put forth the effort to learn when and what they did wrong. It is still up to them to be a decent person, or they should not be in a mod role. M2 is not in the wrong, and you’re being a bully and pretty anti-recovery imo. Need me to elaborate?

To the anon(s) deeming it necessary to spam the mods’ asses with bullshit: what the FUCK is wrong with you people?? Do none of you have ANY shame whatsoever about harassing someone for no reason other than to be complete assholes? “I’m a complete shitter so I’m going to harass this person for saying this one thing that I don’t agree with” - get a fucking grip and stop forcing other people to deal with your bullshit because you have a shitty life. 

Btw, anon who sent that defense for M2 about how nd ppl still need to try and learn and not be rude, I’m mentally ill too, so don’t start. I’m fucking sick of the attitude Tumblr in general has towards mental illness. Recovery is good! People should own up to their actions, mentally ill or not. I don’t care what it is that causes you to miss social cues, lash out or whatever, you still need to ow up. It sucks that it happens, and maybe you didn’t mean it, but still least try to be better.

Tmblr just has a bad idea of how memtal illness should b treated. Take it from someone whos mentally ill (adhd, psycosis and mood instability fyi) tjis website HURT me with its “ooo MI ppl can do no wrong n are stuck in a shitty place forever n can never get better” that they act like its a good thing or something fuckkkkkkk. Its legit toxic, and im STILL recovering from those mindsets two years later. Stop. I beg you! Youre not doing MI ppl any good this way.

As someone with mental health issues and disabilities I can say that it is not a get out of jail free card, You guys are being pretty damn rude to M2. People cant learn from their mistakes or about their behavior if you dont tell them what their doing wrong and try to help them better themselves and their behavior towards others. Not all mental health issues and disabilities make it so you literally cant do some things, For those ones its completely understandable for ones that dont effect ½

2/2 people in that way who have them, It is still not right to be an asshole and these people are the ones that could definitely learn to better their behavior if people would actually let them know what their doing is not okay.