#like i don't deny that i have anxiety and it's probably causing me all sorts of body issues

[leofrith]

novel concept here, perhaps, but i think it would be super nice if the medical community in general started giving a shit about menstrual and other reproductive related pain beyond whether it affects someone's fertility or not. like someone please tell me why the only time my reproductive pain is taken seriously is when it relates to my ability to make a fucking baby, something i have absolutely zero interest in doing. why isn't the fact that i'm in pain reason enough to investigate further. why do i keep being recommended various forms of birth control as a blanket solution for my symptoms that nobody seems to care enough about to even attempt to investigate further. why does every concern i have about my pain get downplayed and swept aside in favour of reassurances about my fertility that i didn't ask for. why have i been running around in circles for more than ten years begging for someone to care enough about my pain to listen to me and do something about it. why.

[cosmicjoke]

Do you think that Levi has abandonment issues/fears and worries about being a burden to others? I don't know if these count as social anxiety, but there are a few scenes in the anime that I think of as social anxiety.

One of them is in the 3Season when Eren says "little old man" while swinging a fist at Historia's mutated father. I heard Yams say about that scene that Levi thought "I wonder if this is how they see me". I think he was offended.

And what makes me think that he has abandonment or being left behind issues is that both years later when he asks Kenny why he left him, and in the manga when Levi is injured and clinging to the sides and trying to walk and Armin tells him that he shouldn't get up because he's injured, Levi says "if I lie on that thing any longer, you guys will completely forget that I exist". I think this dialog was changed in the anime.

And later on, when the others are fighting, Levi looks at his injured knee and talks about being a burden to them.

I'm sure there are a few more scenes like that but I don't remember them now. But when we add them up, I think it's probably Levi's worry that he's a burden to others in any way, that people might abandon him because he's not good enough. I think it's because of the childhood trauma of Kenny abandoning him as a child. Child Levi was there thinking that Kenny had left him because he wasn't good enough.

I also me too think that Levi doesn't care whether other people like him or not, but on the other hand, I think that he believes that he is worthy of their love by trying to prove that he is a successful person, a useful person in the eyes of the people he cares about. But first of all this is my opinion. Canonically this may not be the case in reality. But I think he cares a little bit about what people think about him. I can say this both for Eren's example and for his height. I think he might be a little insecure about his looks.

I do think Levi has abandonment issues, yes. That's a little different than what I was talking specifically about, which is whether Levi is concerned with coming across as "likable" to others, and adjusting his behavior to make himself seem more likable in social settings. I don't think Levi cares much about that, just like I don't think he cares if he gets any sort of praise or recognition for his heroic acts. He's a hero precisely because he doesn't engage in acts of heroism for himself, but entirely for others.

But I do think Kenny’s abandonment of Levi certainly had an impact on Levi’s sense of self-worth, in the sense that, he taught him that strength was the most important thing, the only thing that mattered, even.  But then he abandoned him, and in doing so, sent Levi the message that there was something inherently lacking in him that caused that abandonment. 

Levi was strong, he’d fulfilled the requirements for Kenny’s approval, but still he was denied it. 

So it had to be something else, something else wrong with Levi that made Kenny leave.  His mere existence wasn’t enough to make him worthy in Kenny’s eyes.  I think that plays into Levi’s belief that if he has nothing to give, then his own life isn’t worth anything, which is what I think the scene between him and Armin on the ship implies. Levi sees himself as a weapon to be wielded. That's where his sense of self-worth lies, and if he isn't able to be used as a weapon, or a tool, if others aren't able to utilize him to their own benefit, then I think Levi feels his own life holds very little value.

Again, because he fulfilled all of Kenny’s requirements, he lived up to Kenny’s standards of being strong, and it still wasn’t enough.  There was something more he needed to be or do in order for his own life to have worth.  Simply being who he was wasn’t enough.  I think when he discovered that he could use his strength to help people, he also began to believe that his ability to give that strength defined his self-worth.  He felt he himself wasn’t enough for other people to value or love, not on his own. It didn’t matter what defined his core personality, it didn’t matter what sort of person he was.  But if he could give people something, if he could offer them something, then maybe that was where his value lay. 

So Levi's sense of self-worth is wrapped up in his ability to help others.

But I think it's also important to understand that a desire to find a purpose for himself, or a sense of worth in himself, isn’t what drives him to help people, isn't what created that desire in Levi. 

What drives him to help people, to be a “hero”, is an innate generosity in him, the sense that, because he has something that no one else does, his exceptional strength, it should be given freely to them.  Isayama spoke about this, and I don't have the direct quote on hand, but he said something along the lines of how, if Levi didn't have his great strength, that would make him just an ordinary man, and he wouldn't be responsible for others. But he does have his great strength, and Levi has the sort of innately compassionate and generous personality that won't allow for him to feel okay with the idea of having something others don't and not sharing it. That has nothing to do with his strength, or even with his belief that in order to be loved, he needs to be useful. It has to do with who Levi is, what type of person he is. That’s what makes him a “slave” to his strength, or a slave to being a hero.  His genuine belief that the possession of that strength makes him responsible for others.  The genuine belief that, if you have something to give, you should give it.

It would be the same as someone who has food, and when they see someone who doesn’t, they feel obligated to give their food to that person, even if it means starving themselves.  Levi feels obligated to share what he has.  He’s a slave to that obligation.  He gives, even when giving what he has is detrimental to himself. 

When I say Levi is a slave to that, that’s what I mean.  He can’t escape his natural compassion. Similarly, I think, to the way Eren, on an opposing end, couldn't escape his natural dissatisfaction with the world and thirst for upheaval and violence.

It’s why Levi’s attempts to keep his distance from others, to avoid the pain of losing people, never works, because Levi just naturally cares about people, in general, even people he doesn’t know well, or at all.  He’s chained down by that natural compassion.  He’s a “slave” to it, in the sense that he can’t break free from it.  He can’t escape it.  No matter how hard he tries, it always drags him back in, and he can’t ever ignore someone in need.  He can’t turn away from that.  That’s being a slave to heroism. That's what Kenny means when he asks Levi, "What are you, a hero?". 

That's why I constantly talk about how selfless Levi is, and the tragedy inherent to that selflessness. He doesn't help people because he wants to feel better about himself, or because he wants recognition, seeking attention as a means to boost his ego or social standing, or even because he wants to be loved. He helps people because of a genuine and pure desire for them to be okay, and feeling with his strength that he has the means to help, he in turn feels he owes it to them to help.  Again, that feeling exists in him because he’s an inherently empathetic person. He has a great ability to connect with other people’s feelings, on a fundamental level.  So it's important to understand that it isn't Levi's strength that makes him compassionate, or his strength which makes him a hero. It's his heart. Whether he was strong or not, he would still care about people, he would still wish to help people. Kenny believed one could only be compassionate if they were strong, but it's not the ability to help that makes one compassionate, it's the desire. And with Levi, we see that demonstrated at the very end, as he, wheelchair-bond, is still doing his best to better people's lives, and it's got nothing to do with his strength.

Where his sense of self-worth ties into that, and how that self-worth impacted by this feeling of obligation, is that, in his view, his only worth is in his ability to give, in him having something to give, and if he doesn’t, then his life is worthless.  That’s also what makes him a tragic figure.  He doesn’t realize that his innate empathy and compassion alone make him a worthwhile person.  That it makes him an exceptionally good person, even, and certainly one deserving of love.  He believes that the mere desire on his part to help isn’t enough to mark him out as a person of worth.  He believes that the only thing that would mark him out as such would be him actually being able to help.  This is also part of why it weighs so heavily on Levi when he fails to save lives or protect others.  Because he views that as a failing on his part to give what he has.  It comes into direct conflict with his innate generosity, his natural inclination to give.  It registers to him as fundamentally wrong, having this strength, and not being able to use it to the benefit of others.  It’s why Levi struggled for so long to understand what his strength was even for, because it never seemed right to him that it would only be for himself.

A good comparison to make, in terms of contrast, is between Levi and Reiner, for example. Reiner wanted to be "recognized" as a hero, and he committed horrific acts toward that end, in the hopes of being made an honorary Marleyan, to be hailed as a hero back home. But Levi doesn't want to be "recognized" as a hero, and he never did. He just feels compelled to heroism because he has something other people don't.  Like he’s the custodian of that strength, the keeper of it, but that strength is meant for others, not himself.  This flies directly in the face of what Kenny taught Levi.  Kenny taught Levi that his strength should only be used for his own survival.  That his strength belonged to him and should only benefit him.  That’s why I always say Kenny can’t be credited with Levi’s compassion and kindness.  Levi came to the conclusion that his strength could be used to help others all on his own.  Nobody taught him that.  And his innate compassion and generosity renders him incapable of justifying to himself sitting idly by while others are in need.  That’s why we see Levi so anxious and restless, for example, during the plan to capture Annie in Trost, or again, when he was bedridden before the final battle, but refused to stay there.  That’s where his issues of self-worth tie into his ability to help. He feels it's his duty and responsibility to help, regardless of the consequences to himself, regardless of his actual ability to do so.  We see this most clearly demonstrated during the “Battle of Heaven and Earth”, of course, and why he calls himself a "burden" when he's taken out of the fight with his ruined knee.  Levi is literally half-dead, and he still fights with everything he has, doing himself further, untold harm in the process, eventually sacrificing his body completely, which is how he ends up in a wheelchair at the end.  That’s true selflessness. 

I talk about this in regards to Furlan and Isabel, too. Levi would have had an easier time surviving Underground on his own. Helping Furlan and Isabel would have just meant an added burden to his already struggling existence, two extra mouths to feed, two other people to look out for.  Levi didn't need them. But he helped them anyway, because he's a selfless person. And again, this isn't something he was taught. He was taught the opposite. That's why I talk so much about Levi's nature, and how his goodness is inherent to his nature.

I said this before, but people always say Levi is a slave to his strength, or a slave to being a hero, because he feels he has to use his strength to help people.  But he only feels like he has to use it to help people in the first place because of his natural empathy and compassion.  So really, it would be more accurate to say Levi is a slave to his empathy and compassion. 

I think Levi does carry some insecurities too, about his height, and, as I said, about his social awkwardness. Kenny called him a "midget" and made some other, derogatory remarks about his height, so we can extrapolate from that that Kenny likely made a habit of verbally abusing Levi in that regard, and Levi probably developed insecurities about his height as a result. And yes, I think the scene where Eren calls Rod Reiss a "little old man", and Levi's feelings regarding that, is indicative of an insecurity on his part. So Levi definitely isn't immune to feeling insecure or self-conscious about certain perceived faults of his, or perceived unattractive qualities. I just don't think we ever see those specific insecurities ever have an actual impact on his actions or behavior in general. He doesn't try to please people, or to gain their approval by acting in ways he thinks will ingratiate him. His low sense of self-worth, though, or his belief that he isn't of value if he isn't able to use his strength to help others, is definitely something we see affect him all the time. I think Levi feels, if he isn't useful in some way, if he isn't able to give something to others, than his life is forfeit and he may as well not even exist.

[dandelion-wings]

What are your chronic illness headcanons?

I mean, I'll be honest, I'm sort of vague and broad with all of them? And will go with different specifics for different fics or fantasies, though I have a... fraught relationship with medical research (it's the medical anxiety) and also kind of prefer not to be too specific; as someone with chronic conditions of my own I personally dislike reading too-specific fictional accounts of them, and I also don't want to risk misrepresenting something I'm not familiar with.

That said!

Jean: There's lots of things that fainting, weakness, and vertigo, which are the only canon symptoms we have, could originate from, but I like to give her a heart condition! Being very vague on what, but generally at minimum an arrhythmia or something that it's a symptom of, because that's one I'm pretty familiar with, and also can be easily identified in the field (for hurt/comfort purposes) and have some hand-waved treatments. It is badly exacerbated by her stress level, which is also great for hurt/comfort.

Lisa: Either chronic fatigue or something that causes fatigue as a side-effect. I am very broad, and usually also very vague, with this one--the longer we go without that "her lifespan was halved" thing actually getting brought up in canon the more I assume that Hoyo decided not to go with it after all, but it's always lurking as a Possible Cause if it does come up in canon, and I often prefer to leave that open. (It's also I'm not something I'm personally familiar with except as a side effect of other conditions.) I had several continuities in my head where Lisa was chronically ill beforehand, but @canonical-transformation's excellent Girl Underwater solidified it for me as my dominant and permanent headcanon, whether or not it actually comes up in something I'm writing.

Kaeya: You mean my son Kaeya who has every (mental) disease? :P More seriously, leaving aside that you can posit so much going on in his head (though I do lean towards depression), alcoholism is in fact a chronic disease, and another one that I am pretty familiar with. I've also seen the argument that the tendency to write him as a sickly kid, which I often do (on the theory that if he's from underground, another preferred headcanon of mine, he probably never met 99% of Mondstadt's usual diseases beforehand and they would've run roughshod over his immune system), should probably lead to him having physical/immune issues as an adult, which I find plausible but generally don't go too far with just because he already has enough going on.

Anyway, Lisa is 100% honest and upfront about her problems and expects accommodation, as she should; Jean admits she has a condition because it's pretty hard to deny, but minimizes it to a deeply unhealthy extent; Kaeya has nothing wrong with him and wonders why you would imply that he does. Obviously this list is also in order of how difficult it is to help/treat them from the outside. Barbara appreciates Lisa deeply, wishes Jean would cooperate more but is doing her best, and isn't even touching Kaeya because that's waaaaaaay above her paygrade.

[silenthillmutual]

do you mind expanding on why you don't like CBT? i'm just curious cause i also have various things wrong w me (including baaddd fatigue) & i've been doing cbt for like 6 months for anxiety :P

i don't mind! but there's not really a ton to my answer. i expect that a part of why cbt doesn't work for me is because my mother is a therapist who used cbt (and judging from some things she's said about my childhood, probably aba) with me growing up, and it just... didn't work. it never lessened my anxiety. back in undergrad i had a cbt workbook, thinking it would help me work through the problems i was having, but every time i tried to use it, it just made me more stressed out.

sort of related, but the apa's page on cbt starts off by talking about how it's the most effective for of treatment for pretty much everything, better than medication, but the page doesn't link to any studies about this and i'm not sure if thats something you even could objectively measure. but the idea that it's 'more effective than medication' for even 'severe mental illness' feels like complete bullshit to me, and i think it creates a bias in some therapists, as i felt discouraged from taking medications in the past.

i don't deny that cbt helps some people, but i also don't believe it's possible to simply problem-solve your way out of, for example, hypo/mania or even depressive episodes when youve got bipolar disorder. which is, i'm guessing, part of why it doesnt do shit for people with cfs. the idea that someone experiencing a flare up can rationalize their way into feeling better is utterly ridiculous. cbt is, i am fairly certain, the main treatment for ocd, but how is it supposed to help me when my borderline delusional brain has already rationalized both the obsessive thought and the compulsive behavior?

i agree with the central tenet that coping skills are important, but something about the way cbt has been used with me has consistently made me feel like it was my fault that my brain works the way it does, and whenever i bring up something that happened in the past i feel dismissed. ive literally been told by therapists that since i no longer live in a bad situation, i should no longer act like i do, despite having lived in that situation for 84% of my life. it just feels like a very 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' approach to therapy that does not click with me at all.

regardless of my personal problems with it, i do hope it helps you, anon - and if it doesnt, i hope you find something that does! i think a lot of younger therapists are taking the approach to use a variety of therapies instead of sticking to just one. good luck!

[sunflowerandstrawberryspice]

Before we begin as always: This is all for fun and is not meant to be taken to seriously everyone please be nice or at least civil. Okay? Awesome read on!

Alrighty I'm feeling a little irritated after a not so lovely comment on one of my fics (that has literally NOTHING to do with Jay) about how I don't often write about him if at all. Now I just kinda ignored the comment cause this was the same person who said I couldn't ship Zane with human characters cause he's a robot to say the least I took what they said with a grain of salt so yeahhhhhh (like seriously I had to mention that cause it's just such a weird thing to say since Ninjago has said multiple times that Zane is just as human as the others so???)

But anyways I want to start by saying yeah that's true I don't write about Jay very often, in fact I have never written a fic centered around him BUT I will never go out of my way to vilify him outside of the actions he takes IN CANNON because I try to stay in character when writing unless it's an AU that might shift their personalities a bit but not by much. But this brings me to an issue I've come across more than once and it sort of bothers me and its: the erasure of Jay's more negative qualities.

Now I'm not saying that Jay is an irredeemable villain here I'm just saying that he has said/done things that aren't good that a lot of people seem very keen on just ignoring or in some cases outright denying, and I get it it sucks when our favorite characters are flawed trust me my favorite character is GARMADON so I have plenty of experience in liking characters with flaws lol. BUT just because we like them doesn't mean they don't HAVE those flaws.

Like Jay (since he's who we're suppose to be focusing on rn) is kind of an ass multiple times especially early in the series. Now I hate the love triangle because it fucked up literally all people involved and I found it super annoying but I think Jay was painted in a particularly bad light. For example Jay straight up attacking Cole even though Cole had ZERO clue about the whole perfect match thing, like imagine if out of no where your best friend ATTACKED YOU saying you were trying to "steal" (I hate that phrase btw so dumb cause Nya's a person) the person they liked? Probably would feel really crummy.

Now I do understand that Jay probably has some form of anxiety but that doesn't mitigate the fact throughout the series Jay has a tendency to get freaked out and then lose his temper, in more recent seasons it's happened less frequently which I'm going to chose to interpret as him growing up but is likely just because in later season the writing tends to muddy the waters on most characters (we don't even talk about crystalized because it doesn't exist, like seriously Lloyd talks about Harumi in Dragons Rising like Crystalized never happened which I'm a big fan of) but yeah. I've never been a huge Jay fan myself but his cannon character is interesting and I'd understand why people would like him since again he's not an irredeemable monster he's a person.

But yeah, I love Ninjago and I love being a part of the fandom but I don't love how sometimes people overlook the charcters negative traits and that really bothers me since more than one of the characters go through arcs (some more subtle than others) to become better people. Like I also think people underplay Nya's anger issues, Kai's can be as well but to a lesser extent SOMETIMES, which is unfortunate because that's part of their arcs of growing into new more mature people. All of the characters have their problems it's what makes them interesting to follow, I'm a huge fan of Garmadon and he is EXTREMLY flawed but that's what makes him an interesting character especially since he's trying to be better (again lol).

In conclusion I love over analyzing this Lego show cause even if its shit sometimes the characters it created are super fun to play with much like actual Legos! I don't hate any characters (except for Nadakahn and The Mechanic fuck those two they're creepy as shit) I love getting to talk about them and am totally open for conversations about them because as you can tell from this post I am a natural born yapper and I love to hear other peoples thoughts/views so feel free to say something as long as you're willing to keep it civil!

I hope y'all have a great day/night PEACE OUT!

[trans-ruffboi]

can we please hear about soulmate au fenders? 🥺🥺🥺 and maybe also fenders vampire au?

yeah! WIP game post

my idea for soulmate au fenders was based on the idea that in the Andrastian Chantry, people bound to a vow of celibacy would likely have their soulmarks burned off routinely as a sign of their faith. that they are married instead to the Lady of the Eternal Flame. and I would think that would also apply to mages since they are supposed to show their own devotion to Andraste through obeying her teachings and staying in the Circle. but I like the idea that they keep coming back, so it's a routine thing as a reaffirmation. many mages don't even remember what their marks look like, because at the first sign of it returning, you've got an appointment with a Rod of Fire. so we've got Anders, who knows what his mark is but it's all fucked up by scar tissue, and Fenris, who has a line of pure lyrium cutting through his. and Anders is in denial.

"So you’re just never going to tell him?" Hawke was leaning against the doorframe, having somehow slipped in and closed it again without him noticing. Or maybe Justice had noticed, and didn't tell him because he's a traitor. A traitor and an enabling, lovesick idiot. Taking a deep breath in he turned on what he hoped was a suitably flippant grin. "Hello Hawke. Great to see you in the washroom that I'm currently using." [It's her washroom. She saw his mark while pouring health potions onto his injury after he got knocked down fighting that dragon and Fenris finished the fight in a haze. Fenris' had never been covered up. It didn't seem very important to him, to Anders' eye. Which was for the best.] [he denies that's what it is bc there's scars and you can't really tell. if it was important it would have shined through like the other one] [blah blah] "What do you think will happen? He'll suddenly change all his opinions because I happen to maybe have his squiggle? That I'll be able to put down my people's cause and live happily ever after with someone who possibly has mine but hates everything I am? No. I'm not doing that. If we were matched, we'd just be the sort of pair that would end up burning each other to ashes. Or ripping each other's hearts out." He [rubs his eyes or smth and Justice tries to hold him] upset that he was upset even if he still thought Anders was wrong. "So you’ve just decided that then? He doesn't get any say in the matter? Fenris doesn't have the right to make that choice for himself?" "And why do you get a say in the matter, Hawke? Maker's ass, you sound like Justice." "Maybe you should listen to him then. Though truthfully I'd have thought Justice would be more against this than you. Justice being a bit of a hardass, and all." Of course she'd think that. But, "No. Justice is a naive, lyrium-sick, romantic fool." And one with a lot of faith in their supposed soulmate for someone that lectured him on the power of self-determination.

(Anders and Justice need to apologize to each other but idk if that's quite happening)

and the vampire au is one of many because I love vampire aus, but this one is modern-ish. basically, Anders offers to be a convenient juice box bc he's worried that otherwise Fenris would snack on mages on the off-chance that they might be blood mages (Anders is probably paranoid about this thing, but he's got anxiety)

The sight of Fenris covered in templar blood at the mouth of the alley *probably* shouldn't be this attractive. And yet, it set all his blood rushing south and Isabela sending out catcalls. "Hello Sailor! You come here often?" Hawke was less enthused, gaping at her girlfriend. "Bela he just ate that guy!" Isabela was undeterred. "Yes and it was extremely sexy of him. Anders, back me up here. Was that not the hottest thing you've ever seen?" "In my Blighted life," he had to admit. Fenris still hadn't said anything, just stood there looming like a shadow against the streetlights behind him. But he looked over when Anders spoke, eyes reflecting the light. "If you do not intend to kill me, Hawke, we should begin moving the remains."

thank you for asking!

[imsailorpluto]

Bloodhounds (2023); obsession (ep 1 & 2 spoilers, kinda)

This series is definitely making me ask "What the hell did I just watch?" in the most bizarre way ever. It also made me feel a lot of things, which is most probably due to the entire cast being a bunch of handsome men.

And while it's mostly candy for the eyes, the acting is really good. The first episode is all about boxer Gunwoo, and how he got involved with the loan business, together with his fellow marine buddy Hong Woojin.

I can't deny I'm enjoying it even more than I should. But who wouldn't? That first scene was more than enough to glue my eyes to the screen, even though I have been excited about this drama ever since some gorgeous promo stills started circling around tumblr. And then the gif game kicked in, and pretty boy Woo Dohwan in the role of the boxer Kim Gunwoo flooded my entire dash, just like that.

Soon enough it was all about these two guys training hard. And it's still going. Not that I'm complaining. I'm loving their bromance.

Depictions of violence are on another level though. Honestly, I hate them for being so graphic and realistic. There is absolutely nothing good I can say about those since it's not my thing and never will be. Obviously it made me awfully uncomfortable, despite knowing it's just acting and sfx make up. I couldn't manage watching the end of 1st episode without covering my eyes and waiting for it to be over. Gunwoo taking the beatings like a beautiful piece of schnitzel was too much for my taste. Those metal fists punching him all over, the headbutts, and the face carving in the end left me in shock.

Even though I love scars and doing things out of spite, Gunwoo spitting into the handsome loan shark's face wasn't worth it. Let me just watch a series without having to look away...

The first episode wasn't enough to stop me to continue watching Bloodhounds and the only explanation is - they're all so pretty. And what comes after the horrors of 1st ep's ending is such a treat. Gunwoo is injured and standing tall and determined to pay off the debt, setting the record straight. And then comes crying at his doorstep while holding a bag of money, which was more than enough to buy his way into my heart. Kdrama villains are great, but beautifully broken good ones are even better, and Gunwoo is a really really good guy, injured on all levels possible. If that doesn't give you internal screams, I don't know what will... That was enough of a dopamine rush for me.

Watching first two eps of Bloodhounds made me realise the series gives us a taste of being in the middle of a fighting match. It's sort of a mental training based on punishment and reward system - for every enjoyable scene, comes an awful one which causes disgust, both in the mind and stomach.

Drinking scene in ep 2. Anyone?

Damn... Seriously though, who the hell drinks black label like an apple juice? They went straight for the jugular, triggering all kinds of psychophysical memories in most of us who got drunk on whisky at least once in a lifetime.

Ending of the 2nd episode is yet another traumatising anxiety inducing cliffhanger. I'm starting to wonder if it's going to be like this at the end of every episode; blood, violence, people getting beaten up like a sack of potatoes...

My point is, I'm enjoying the gorgeous cast and their acting but depictions of violence, not so much, and I don't know how long I'll last. It doesn't mean the series is poorly done, oh no, on the contrary, it's amazing. What I've watched so far is 10/10. So, let's just try and enjoy what we can, shall we.

On the positive note, I can't get myself to binge on this one, it really forces me to take longer pauses, which means I'll get to be more productive irl.

FINALLY! (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Well, maybe it's time to take a step back from kdrama madness.

Endings give me "Oppa, I'm sad. Why sad? Give up!♡" vibes. Loving it, but dropping it isn't an option yet.

Who'd ever say I'd be thanking Woo Dohwan for temporarily curing my kdrama addiction, but that day has also come. Consider yourselves warned if you do choose to watch the series. It's definitely bittersweet for above mentioned reasons. As for the ending, I have no idea what happens, hopefully I'll get to that eventually, sharing a couple of thoughts & spoilers too.

Signing off, hope you all have a lovely week ahead of you. Thank you for reading my silly little scribbles (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

Till next time,

xx

Pluto

[blindmagdalena]

Hey! Couldn't resist popping in after your tag about even the possibility of Phantom!Homelander fic. If the inspiration hits, I'd love to see it! It's a lot of fun injecting Phantom tropes into unexpected territory. I've kind of been doing that myself.

The thing I'm dragging on is Homelander x sound-based supe OC (one of the many Vought prospects who didn't pan out due to their questionable training methods) who takes some cues from Christine (Leroux probably). He hears her singing one night and, well, that's it. Her voice just takes him. What follows after some good, old-fashioned stalking sessions is a confusing mix of Homelander wanting her to embrace her powers while also wanting her for himself, and the question of whether or not that's even his call to make. And of course, an exploration on the potential for romance under such conditions as they examine some of that juicy Vought trauma.

So aside from obnoxiously plugging the thing I have stuck in fic hell, I just want to voice heavy approval for any kind of Phantom/Homelander combo that may or may not happen.

okay, i NEED that fic. you majorly had me at Leroux!Christine. i had a similar thought regarding him being torn between wanting her in the spotlight, wanting CREDIT for her, while also being so maddeningly possessive and jealous that the thought of having to share her with the world makes him feral. i'm undecided on whether i'd want to do modern or like, a 1920s new york setting, but i know i want to do homelander deformed/masked, though he vehemently denies any sort of imperfection. claims to stay masked exclusively for identity purposes. not the half mask, something more like the full eye mask they use on the logo, but make it match his costume more. i'm thinking the deformity might be something that was caused by Vought's experiments, or it could be a side effect from just how much V is in his system. maybe it's gotten worse over time. i like the idea of writing him as he is, but with the added layer of horror, anger and anxiety over this deterioration he is experiencing. also we all know i love the 'stranger than you dreamt it' fit scene, so i gatta include that! i don't know if i'd do reader or oc for this one, but i love him fixating on someone from a distance. doing horrible things to make her dreams come true once he learns of them, and using it to bring her closer to him. i want to find a way to include the duality of him being both her angel and the phantom haunting the shadows in her life. someone who, to her face, she knows as a hero and benefactor, while also committing atrocities behind the scenes.

anyways, i'm just spitballing here. it would definitely be a longer project, but i've done a PotO au in pretty much every fandom i've ever been in, so... it's par for the course. LOL

[onefallafternoon]

everything hurts kind of, and I don't know if this is a usual panic attack or if its a silent one or even that what I usually have is a panic attack cause I can never ask someone can I. I can't even properly find out if I'm making this up I can't even know if I have anxiety and or panic attacks or if I'm just doing to this to grab attention I don't even know if I am doing this to make myself seem like the special little snowflake I want to be what if I'm just fucking doing this bullshit to gaslit myself into thinking that if I have issues I can excuse myself being an asshole and hid from it. I hate that even while the fucking while I type this out I think to myself ' that can't be true haha I am not an asshole something must be wrong with my thoughts I'm not thinking clearly' I hate that I am hiding from everything and that I'm so used to it that I can't even FUCKING DISCERN THE TRUTH FROM THE LIES I hate that at first I started doing the stupid rant on tumblr posts to make myself feel like I am talking to someone and now its just in hope that one day my friends or someone finds this and takes pity on me and think 'oh the poor thing' or whatever I hate that I care enough to not just get my thoughts out but also put a stupid dramatic ending sort of thing to my post rants here so that won't look stupid at the end and that I care about appearances so much that I have somehow never talked to girls before and succeeded in talking to them like a normal person and I hate that I care about that shit so much that I couldn't even make myself talk to or introduce myself to the girl I think I have a crush on cause lets face it I really don't know here whether the crush started when I noticed how kind of pretty she was at like the first week of class or I heard one of the guys teasing her and mentioning that she has a crush on me or something. I hate that I am hopeful. I hate that I think they're talking about me. I hate that it isn't cleared up and when I asked one of the other guys he just laughed and said yes gave me hope and later denied and I hate that I can't even make myself ask the guy who sits next to her if its true. I hate that I spent a whole night thinking what we would do if we were a couple. I probably over fucking romanticized the idea of being a couple and being in love that I can't even separate the person from the delusions anymore and I hate that. I hate that I'm slowly descending into the 500 days of summer guy and that all I have to one up him is an inch in height and that I'm not confident or secure enough, or arrogant enough YET to find fault in others whether it's existent or not. I hate that I practice this one song in ukulele in hopes to sing it as a lullaby to my kid one day or something cause I FUCK OH FUCK I have romanticized that TOO. IM PROBABLY NEVER EVEN GONNA HAVE KIDS WITH THE LUCK I HAVE TALKING TO PEOPLE BUT FUCK CAN I DREAM LONG DISTANCE. BUT I CAN'T HOPE TO FUCKING MAKE A DREAM OF A CAREER? EVERYONE IS DOING THAT SHIT PROBABLY THE GIRL I AM CRUSHING ON TOO AND THE ENTRANCE IS A WEEK AWAY I COULD AT LEAST TRY LIKE MY DAD SAID BUT I CAN'T CAUSE I'M TOO BUSY MOPING THAT THE ONLY GIRL I PROBABLY MADE HAVE A CRUSH ON ME BY BEING A FAKE ASS PERSON WHO MAKES A SELF DEPRECATING OR DICK JOKE EVERY FIFTEEN SECONDS. I.DON'T.EVEN.KNOW.WHY.I'M DOING THAT STILL. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE THAT I HAVE A CRUSH NO NO YEAH I PROBABLY 'FELL IN LOVE' WITH THE GIRL WHO GAVE ME TEN SECONDS OF ATTENTION WHICH WAS UNASKED OR UNPURPOSEFULLY DONE LIKE I DO WITH EVERY GIRL WHO GIVES ME UNWARRANTED ATTENTION. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND THIS IS GONNA FUCKING SOUND SO EMO IN PROBABLY FIVE YEARS I AM GONNA BE FORCED TO LIVE and not even allowed to die. I wanna end this. lets face it theres no other way in my mind and I hope that it doesnt come to that i hope that i am not sounding like one of them dramatic ass motherfuckers but this just. fucking. frustrating. not understand why I do what I do and not understanding why i love the people i love or hate the people i hate. all people have is been nice to me.

they dont deserve this they really dont and here i fucking am thinking whether i am thinking even that cause i have been told that they have by people on multiple occasions or whatever the fuck i don't understand now. this is crazy as fuck. too crazy. too. goddamn. crazy. i didn't deserve this, or i probably fucking did, cause i cant tell if im the god fucking damn good guy or bad or moral grey or whatever the fuck.

[system-of-a-feather]

warning for some mild descriptions of abuse?

or me freezing is caused by having to shut up emotions when we were younger. think the archetypal "stop emoting in any way or else they'll hurt you more" type of thing. it wasn't just fear (though there was a lot of it too) but also stuff like anger, happiness, etc

I'm a bit surprised at the description of fawn as passive, since I'd actually describe it somewhat closely to how you described flight, just with a different underlying reason. mindset is very "what can i do to fix things / stop anxiety / make abusers less mad / make them like me" had to manage others' feelings and anticipate how they'd react. maybe it's just an atypical form of it?

To me flight is more "ack get away from danger and we can recoup later" sort of thing, so i guess it's less developed than yours. lots of distraction and occasionally physically just leaving (if it sucks hit the bricks lol!)

i tend to get a mixture of all three (freeze being main currently as things are. hard <- not venting just explanation) and had fight when i was younger? but not really now (tend to dissociate anger away) so reading your explanations are really interesting!

No you make a good point. Fawn is kinda two types and can be active in one of them now that you mention it so good nuance and addition. Typically when I think of fawn I usually think of the passive more "accept it, deny / repress countering feelings, self blame, do nothing and make excuses for the abuser" but that active kind of fawn is also TOTALLY valid and honestly I don't even think that atypical so much as the parts prone to fawning tend to be the "its okay, [insert excuses for abuser]" type so when we fawn it tends to be more passive.

It's kinda interesting to see you comment on dissociating anger away cause largely that tends to be us with any fawn-leaning emotions - especially more active fawning behavior. Emotions that might lead towards fawning behavior tend to not really occur with us and if they do tend to be adversive so we tend to not handle them well, dissociate them away, or convert them into fight or flight.

I was gonna say it kinda seems a lot that active fight and active fawning are direct opposites so its hard to have both, but I feel like that statement sounds more obvious when I say it outloud than it deserves XD But I think a large part of why we don't really understand freezing (save for total freezing - catatonia - and the freezing inherent in DID) or fawning is cause of how heavy we are of a fight-flight area of coping.

I'm personally a Flight-Freezer primarily, then arguably fawn (and probably one of the most fawning part in our system, which is more about the system than me).

XIV is just like.... I don't think he HAS coping other that Fight. I'm pretty sure its fight or die for him XD .... which I guess explains why me and him synergize well. I don't really go into fight often and he only goes into fight.

Love all the conversation on this. Love polling the audience XD

[orange-orchard-system]

I can't really talk to my friends about this because most of them are singlets and I don't want to post about it because I worry about attracting syscoursers but I've been following your blog for a while and I'm curious about something you might be able to comment on or respond to in some way (I know you're not a super-authority and can't 're-diagnose' me or anything but I struggle to find information on this anywhere, I'm just curious):

I was evaluated a few times for DID/OSDD to 'narrow down' what I'm experiencing and living with since I have a concurrent psychotic condition but long suspected I might be a system (I won't be too specific but my evaluations were spread out, from 2018 to 2020) but I also had a lot of shame and anxiety about that possibility, due to feeling like I wouldn't be believed, or that I'd be judged and stigmatized (I feel much differently about it now but, at the time, I sort of wanted to be proven wrong). It was concluded that my experiences most closely resemble OSDD-1/DDNOS-1b; a system with alters and no DID-typical amnesia.*

I have identified 12 distinct headmates in therapy since then. I try not to rely too heavily on those guides about defined roles alters have because all of them I find online are DID-centric and don't always match the 'roles' my headmates fill, but I know that I have memory-holders (for both trauma-related memories and memories that have nothing to do with trauma). And I don't have DID-typical amnesia but (I'm sorry this is getting long, I felt the context was necessary) I just want to know if it's common for OSDD-1 systems like me to sometimes have 'denied access' to memories? It's difficult to describe but there are memories that I know exist somewhere in my mind, because they get described in my headmates' notes or when they are fronting during therapy sessions... but I can't access those memories.

My therapist is trauma-specialized but not an DID/OSDD expert... she's learning alongside me from her mentors. I would ask her about this stuff but I don't know what insight she could provide me. I just wondered if you had any... thoughts? Comments? Advice seems like too big of a request, I just don't quite know what to make of this.

Before I speak on anything, I'm just going to affirm what you said about us not being an authority or expert. Don't take what we say as gospel; I, for one, am just going to spitball my thoughts, and the others may do so, too.

I think what you said about not having access to some memories is common. Even systems with higher memory sharing and fewer amnesiac barriers usually have a few memory issues; just because your amnesia is not "as bad" as it might be if you had DID doesn't mean it automatically doesn't exist.

We have periods of "denied access" too, sometimes, even in situations where we want to share memories, and those memories aren't traumatic or hurtful in nature. Have you heard of the concept of "the veil"? It's not an official concept or anything, more of an idea that's tossed around the disordered system community. This "veil" is like an amnesia barrier between the front and the rest of the innerworld, and you can forget things by going in-between the two. I don't know if it has any relevance to you, I just wanted to bring it up because it's something that causes a lot of our "denied access" moments. Could be worth looking into and figuring out if it exists for your system, even if it's not what's causing the memory problems you're talking about here.

To wrap this up – amnesia is weird, and nebulous, and doesn't always make sense, because neither do brains as a whole. If you're having these problems, then shit, they sure do exist I guess! But it probably doesn't mean you need to re-evaluate your diagnosis. As I said earlier, OSDD systems usually have at least a little amnesia, it's just not on the same level as DID. If one child gets hit with a baseball bat and another gets hit with a stick, is the second child not really in pain just because the first child is hurt worse? Of course not! That'd be ridiculous. So don't tie yourself up in knots over your memory problems. If they exist, they exist, and you can either wear yourself down to the wire worrying about them, or get to work on figuring out what to do now that they exist.

I'm gonna let someone else from my system leave their own comments, now. See ya!

- random headmate who somehow managed to forget their own name thanks to – you guessed it – the veil.

—

Okay, resident gatekeeper here to speak on amnesia I guess. Here goes nothing.

We're a DID system, and as such I can't speak on what's normal for OSDD/DDNOS systems from a place of personal experience. However, I can say that the amnesiac divide between DID and OSDD isn't as clear-cut as it may seem at first glance. Some psychiatrists make the distinction on whether one experiences "black-outs" of memory. In the ICD-11, no such distinction exists as OSDD is not a diagnosis, and you would likely be diagnosed with DID instead. The amount of amnesia one "needs" to have DID isn't an exact science. It's closer to guesswork, as is a lot of things in the field of psychology.

So with that said, I don't think it's useful to worry about whether it's "normal" for an OSDD system to experience this form of amnesia. As my headmate said, if you're experiencing it, you're experiencing it, and that's all that really matters. ... Well, it's all that would really matter to us, if we were in your shoes. I think a simple step to take next is to ask yourself why this matters to you. Are you worried that you may have been diagnosed incorrectly because this amnesia was not previously known? That's an issue you can bring up with your therapist and seek out more specialized psychologists for. Let them duel out where the line between OSDD and DID is. Bring some popcorn and make sure not to forget the candy too, because you'll likely be waiting a long while for a consensus. Figure out for yourself if you feel that DID may have been a better diagnosis, or if you think you can understand this as part of your OSDD.

But as a short answer that has less to do with psych critical philosophy... Yeah, that's probably normal. OSDD systems typically have some amnesiac barriers.

It can definitely be annoying, distressing even, to find that some of your memories are so close yet so far. Any upset you feel about this is perfectly understandable, and it's okay to feel that way. You can try improving communication with your system, which will likely help lessen amnesia between you, and keeping a record of your memories is a quick fix if you're worried about forgetting something important. Just remember that forgetting things isn't a personal failure. It's just something that happens sometimes, especially with disorders like these.

Hope this helps. Stay strong, anon.

- Tarot

[catsdoodleshop]

You know what really genders my dragons?

Look, I think I joked about writing like dnd essays but also I wasn't entirely joking.

So backstory is in Uni I did my whole senior thesis on like using storytelling to process your own baggage. In grad school I also wrote a paper on the value of narrative as catharsis.

(Essentially I turned like my childhood fear and trauma into a short silly choose your own adventure along with a series of paintings, and a year later wrote an essay about sad cartoons)

And like I'll probably elaborate on that eventually.

I just think D&D (and ttrpgs) play into that theme just about perfectly by their very nature. Like my whole thing can boil down to creating a narrative can help you regain a sense of control that circumstances of life often cause us to feel like we don't have.

When you make a character and their backstory and build them up, it can become an interesting little back door to your own brain and some things subconsciously might leak through. A fictional work creates a bit of cognitive distance making it safe to project on and play with.

All this just to say Sparrow is a lesbian

I'm joking

He's not. But like he is very queer in his own way and in how he sort of came to be. Like I won't deny I've done a lot of projecting onto this character, it is very nice to make someone else hold my anxiety for several hours! But like also my sort of internal joke is Sparrow is little me playing the knight, or playing at being a boy.

It's like one of those things you did as a kid and don't realize until later "well that wasn't very cis of you" . And so like whenever we needed a "boy" character I was usually the one who stepped in and for that duration I was a boy! I was really happy to play just some weird boy! And that was the game! And like even years since playing little pretend games "what if I was a boy?" wasn't an abnormal thought to run through my head. And like given a chance "why not?" I figure "ima make a sweet nasty boi! just a fucked up lad!". And that boi who canonically smells like moss and dirt is Sparrow!

But I think games in general (because this goes for video games too, because as I played more games that provided gender neutral pronouns I did find myself drifting towards those options more often) and a really fantastic and like safe way to being playing with gender and exploration. It's not like a new idea I know, but I just think it's a nice one and I'm setting up for something stupid later. It's a much more open experience to be able to step into a character. It's very "your gender is what robot body would you pick" because yeah, it sort of is exactly that.

[shinyemikyu]

Fuck neurologists.

My primary care doctor referred me to a neurologist in the ongoing quest to diagnose/treat my mystery illness. I have had very bad experiences with neurologists in the past, but I was desperate enough to try again. Plus my dad agreed to come along for moral support, for which I am immensely grateful.

Anyway, my appointment was today and somehow managed to go much worse than I expected.

I walked into the exam room and a man who later turned out to be the doctor I was there to see was sitting at his computer. He did not introduce himself. He eventually did look up at me at one point, at least. That, along with having been physically present in the room, are pretty much the only worthwhile things he did.

He asked me to describe my symptoms, which I did. He repeatedly interrupted to ask follow-up questions, and while his tone was a bit abrupt I wasn't too put off by that. At least he was trying to gather information.

Then he asked me why I was using a walker, and the way he said it sounded a bit accusatory. Still, I explained myself and we moved on.

Then he tried to blame everything on my depression and anxiety. Hardly surprising - unfortunately my prescriptions are in my medical record so I can't just deny having those conditions (not that I normally endorse lying to doctors, mind you, but having those conditions blamed for everything is so common that it shocks me when a doctor is willing to even consider the possibility that you can be depressed and also have an unrelated medical problem). So I pointed out that I was diagnosed with depression about 25 years ago and my current problems started about 1 year ago, but he said depression can still cause random problems at times. Which I am well aware of, given that I have lived with depression for well over two decades at a minimum.

Anyway, I went over my most concerning symptoms again and pointed out that I managed to obtain two graduate degrees and successfully practice law for the better part of a decade with depression, so clearly my depression has never been anywhere close to this level of debilitating before. To which he basically shrugged and said there's probably nothing he could do to help me.

Which, fine. If you can't help I'd much rather you say so than keep selling me false hope for the cost of a hefty co-pay per visit. But he just sounded... bored? Annoyed? I don't know. I don't expect him to actually care - he has way too many patients for that, obviously - but just feigning a slight amount of concern would have softened the blow.

I wasn't angry yet, though. That happened when he decided that my insomnia was the ultimate cause of everything. I pointed out that insomnia was the last of my symptoms to develop, so while it certainly wasn't helping it obviously couldn't have been the sole cause. He doubled down and insisted all of my problems were from lack of sleep.

That's when it became utterly surreal. I made a snarky comment about how effect cannot precede cause. Another one about how that's not a medical principle, but just a basic statement about how the time dimension works. And this man, who somehow has a medical degree, actually straight up said he didn't get it.

To which I said, "Oh for fuck's sake", grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and DREW A GODDAMN TIMELINE on which I plotted out my symptoms, with insomnia clearly coming last. I then explained that the things that came earlier on the timeline could cause the things that come later, but not the other way around because time only flows in one direction. He looked confused, then just doubled down on insomnia causing my problems.

He then asked for the precise date the insomnia started. I couldn't do that, but I was able to give a pretty decent estimate. And then he acted like this was some sort of gotcha because I mentioned one thing starting in the spring of last year and another one starting in March. He must have forgotten that March lasts an entire month and spring covers other months in addition to March.

It was bizarre. At this point I knew I wasn't getting through to him, but I still felt compelled to point out the logical flaws in his argument, because I am actually trained in the art of gotcha questions and this was not it, and the one thing that would bring me any small amount of happiness in that moment was pointing out how much that man was embarrassing himself with his sad attempt.

It's not like he had any actual interest in treating me at that point anyway. He'd made that abundantly clear. He did offer to refer me for an MRI, which I might actually need if for nothing else than to rule out possible causes, but by then I was just done with him and his bullshit. I mean if this man couldn't understand simple concepts like "cause precedes effect", then there is no way in hell I'm trusting him with my brain.

So at that point, I scooted off the table and announced "Fuck this, I'm out," and left. I was leaning against the car and crying when my dad came out about 30 seconds later.

I honestly expected Dad to try and convince me to go back in, or tell me it wasn't that bad, but nope. It was that bad. He said from the moment we walked in the room he had a bad feeling about that doctor, and he completely agreed with my assessment of the man's (lack of) intelligence and (also lack of) bedside manner. I cried the whole way home, but still managed to make myself laugh a bit by mercilessly roasting that waste of space calling himself a doctor.

So my dad drove me home and ordered us pizza and talked me out of suicide (or at least into delaying it a few months, which is about the best that can be hoped for at this point). And here I am, on a new round of crying but also developing a newfound determination to fix my problems and get better out of pure spite. Because fuck that guy, my life means a lot and if your head's too far up your ass for you to see that, then fuck your face.

[letters-from-eros]

I know you don't have rules for that already but can I ask for relationship hc's for Chuuya and Dazai with a fem or gender neutral s/o?😳❤

A/N: Am I foaming from the mouth for my first BSD request? Maybe. I hope this is good though. I added in a short part on how they asked you out cause I wanted this to be different and unique from most dating HCs.

Pairing(s): Dazai Osamu, Chuuya Nakahara x GN!Reader

Warnings: Slight mention of suicide in Dazai's, cursing

Form: Headcanon

Also: These ran super duper long I'm so sorry

You managed to cuff the suicidal maniac, huh?

Well done, my friend, well done

It took him so long to ask you out, and even when he did it wasn't planned. In all honesty, he never planned to tell you about his feelings. The excruciating part for him is that he did fall pretty fast, and realized he was falling even faster.

He didn't deny them, that wouldn't make it go away. He knew that. He sat and let it festered, hoping it would just disappear at some point.

Had the mindset of anything he loved he'd lose, y'know? Sad but so.

The way I'd imagine it happening is that you both are either working late at the ADA (with just the two of you there) or just at his place hanging out into all hours of the night.

Both of you are laughing at some dumb joke Dazai made and as the laughter dies out he feels.. Bittersweet. You make him feel genuinely happy, like there's no need to put on any mask or facade. That was not a feeling he had with anyone else.

Once silence fully overtakes you both it slips out of his mouth, purely on accident.

"I love you"

"More than suicide?"

"Y/n I'm serious!"

From that night forward you had the pleasure of being the partner of Dazai Osamu, with his feelings being released in an extremely cliche coming-of-age-movie way.

Okay, onto actually dating Dazai

Still goofy as all hell. Honestly the only thing that has really changed is the he lets you in a lot less hesitantly on small things. Its easier to put cracks in his walls, per se

Unbothered by PDA and will probably make out with you in public and not see why that isn't a thing that should be done or why you wouldn't like it.

(Just tell him if you don't, he'll get over it eventually)

Will kiss you everywhere, doesn't exactly have a favorite place, but where he does end up kissing you the most is your forehead for convenience. He'll kiss your wrist if he's holding your hand, too.

Clingy as all hell, always wants to be touching you in some way and becomes the biggest dramatic bitch when he can't be around you.

Kunikida will actually punt him if he says he'll die if he's away from you for another second. For the tenth time

No more suicide attempts once you two are dating, and doesn't ask for a double suicide with you because he knows it'll upset you quite a bit

He flirts with you like he's trying to get you to date him lmao he will never ease up, especially if it gets you bashful.

Dazai would NOT be dating you if he did not trust you a whole lot, so thats something that is pretty vital to the relationship.

That being said, please be understanding of the pieces of Dazai he keeps locked away to never see the light of day again and trust him just as much as he trust you. Its important especially if you don't want the relationship to be one-sided

Also with the high amount of trust he places in you, he doesn't get jealous easily. I mean he may get pissy that you're not giving him any attention but jealous is never the right word to use

Mf finally washes his fucking clothes once he starts dating you. Doesn't smell like the bottom of the ocean on a regular basis anymore.

Dates are always chill and rarely super extravagant. Park dates are often but Dazai's truly preferred date is snuggling inside, watching a few movies and slipping in and out of naps.

Belladonna is his go-to petname for you, of course, but he may bounce around with other petnames for kicks.

He will start calling you weird shit if you ignore him for to long.

Never raises his voice at you unless its in some joking manner. On the rare occurrence that you two have an argument he would need to get extremely riled up before he resorts to raising his voice. He tries to have patience and usually succeeds.

Dazai gets SO soft and SO loving sometimes, and it can be out of no where or something minuscule could have sparked it. All I know is that its nice and cute 🥰

He's usually pretty vulnerable himself when he gets like that so match his energy, alright? If you don't he might end up a little sour for some short amount of time and be more hesitant to get like that

10/10 Lover. This is by no means an effortless relationship, its a constant battle of figuring out boundaries, running into walls and respecting them. Dating Dazai isn't toxic if you treat him right and when you do? It definitely pays off.

(This got so long. I've had so much pent-up Dazai love and all around BSD love and I finally had an outlet to completely let it out)

HUSBAND. THE LOML

Okay, sorry. But this man is the love of my life, and he will be yours as well.

Took him a while to really figure out his feelings for you, or to better put it, it took him a while to label the feeling he had towards you "love"

But ONCE HE DID mans was practically whipped before you officially started dating omg.

You could notice the shift in attitude when he figured out his feelings. He got nervous, went stiff and blushy all against his will. Maybe a tad bit more snappy.

He'd try to keep his cool and then just eat shit and become a babbling angry mess.

After every encounter and interaction with you he'd end up overthinking all of it and when he catches himself doing that he gets so upset with himself. It's really when he realized that he won't be able to keep his feelings a secret forever.

Definitely started avoiding you when planning on the 🌈perfect🌈 way to ask you out and blamed work if you asked him why he was avoiding you.

Anyway, the way he asks you out was almost as calculated as a proposal.

He asks you to meet him at the port and dress comfortably towards the end of the day

When you get there, Chuuya has a nice place set up for you both. A blanket and a bottle of expensive wine because we all know he's lowkey an alcoholic along with a very nice view of the ocean/port.

Chuuya made sure it didn't radiate too much romantic energy to give his plans away; also, he wasn't that nervous. Once he gets truly determined to do something, he doesn't let something like anxiety get in the way of it. The idea of being rejected was essentially an afterthough

Made an effort to make sure he didn't drink too much and neither did you. He didn't want to take advantage of the possibility of you being drunk by the time he asks you out and he knows he himself has a low tolerance

Once the sun began to set is when he asks. Stutters a little bit towards the beginning but smooths it out.

"Y/n, I uh.. I brought you to tell you that I love you."

"Have you drank too much already, Chuuya?"

"No! I'm completely sober!"

It was overall super cute and unforgettable, just as he planned.

Honestly, being in a relationship with this boy is just 🥰

Spoils you so much. You'll deadass be dripped out head to toe purely in stuff Chuuya has bought you.

Dw, he has an alright sense of fashion

Don't try to discourage him, that'll only get him to buy more stuff.

Chuuya's short and the concept of a size difference doesn't bother him at all, he'll find a way to kiss you regardless lol

On the topic of kissing, his favorite places are your lips and hands

He takes of his gloves whenever he's with you and let me tell you his hands are the softest things ever. Albeit his knuckles are a little calloused sometimes.

If you're anything like me, you'd want his soft hands on you 24/7 and y'know what? Chu would happily oblige.

He isn't like the biggest fan of PDA but certainly isn't against it. He'd rather keep things behind doors as much as he can. Holding hands and small kisses on the cheek are very fine by him.

He isn't like the biggest jealous type? He doesn't become overly irate or anything but certainly doesn't take any pleasure in watching you talk to other guys.

Chuuya does have some form of self restraint when it comes to that. Him getting a lil jealous is one of the only things that'll have him completely make-out with you in public or smth

Chuuya is very snuggly and touchy behind closed doors. He practically becomes Dazai but a lot less goofy

Oh yeah he definitely rants about how much he fucking hates Dazai now n again

Isn't huge on petnames but definitely calls you them every now and again.

Princess, babe and baby are his top few.

Chuuya definitely has a morning voice where it drops 2 octaves and its just 🥰

Never yells at you, its pretty shocking. The only times he's ever raised his voice with you is when its very obvious that he's not genuinely upset with you. Almost for comedic affect because it is angry short boy Chuuya

One may think arguments are often with Chuuya, but they're sort of not. He may be a pretty stubborn individual but he never argues to argue unless its Dazai-

He always works towards and agreement to end the argument as soon as possible. He keeps his cool and will never raise his voice. You can barely call them arguments because of how much he tries to keep his cool.

When he's stressed or had a bad day he gets extremely quiet because he doesn't even want the opportunity to open his mouth and take it out on you. The only words he'll say to you while he's in that state is that he's stress and you didn't do anything wrong just to make sure you're not worried over it.

All and all? Chuuya is the best and there's no way around it. He has his faults but always tries to improve and be his best self for you :)

(I had even more pent-up love for Chuuya and it got even longer, whoops-)

[havethetimeofyourstyles]

in which you study in a different country and meet someone along the way.  

hi lovelies! this is my fic for miss olivia’s @bfharry​ boyfriendathon! i’ve had this concept for a year now, and i’m so happy i was finally able to write it!

thank you to @bopbopstyles​ @stellarboystyles & @avhrodite​ for beta-ing! <3

enjoy 7.5k words of friends to lovers & uni!harry & boyfriend!harry !! also the story is supposed to go semi-fast since it is mostly flashbacks, the sparkly breaks will tell you when the flashbacks start and end! 

i’ve made a playlist for this fic! if anyone would like to listen while reading click here

please please leave feedback! super excited for this because it’s probably a fav of mine and i’m really proud of it, so i would love to know what you think! a reblog, comment, and/or ask would mean a lot! <3

The birds were chirping and the sun was beaming on you, leaving a glow to your skin that had shined ever so brightly, giving you a healthy and lovely tint to your skin. It was a lovely day that there was not an ounce of complaint in your mind because of the beautiful weather Mother Nature decided to provide you with, knowing that you hadn’t gotten perfect weather for the past few weeks. The trees and grass were as green as ever as slight wind rustled between the leaves, making the sound of the crisp leaves loud. 

It was a moment like this where you felt so happy and grateful to be in a beautiful city; that you had made the right decision. The London view and atmosphere does not compare to any other place in the world, aside from the fact that you haven’t been to many places in your life. But you’re a bit biased on your opinion because London graced you with your boyfriend, Harry. You remembered the first time you came to London just two years ago, and you never imagined how your life had planned out until this very moment. 

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

You had stepped on the plane with nervous thoughts running through your head. It was the first time you ever rode a plane, and your destination was hours away, practically a full day. It was a major step, and you probably should’ve thought it through; maybe traveling to the next state, but to travel to another country was a big step for you. 

It wasn’t a vacation, more like, school in a different country for a few months. You had decided to study abroad when you were in high school, wanting to get away from home and also learning in a brand new place without the toxicity hanging onto your foot as you try walking away. It had taken a while to finally study abroad because the requirements of you needing to finish your first year of college before you could study in the fall. 

Your family hadn’t taken it well, but you decided that there was nothing you could do to stop them. You were going to pay for the trip and your expenses all on your own. It definitely helped that you got a scholarship to go to university in the first place, and lucky enough to live on campus away from home.

You were sad that they didn’t feel an ounce of happiness for you, and you had asked your cousin to take you to the airport, being the only person to bid you goodbye. The feeling was overbearing and overwhelming, making your heart sink but at the same time feel full with sadness. At the time, you had felt like everything was holding you back and you just wanted to get away. 

A new start was needed. 

It was August when you traveled alone to London. Anxiety was boiling in your throat as you craved the need to hold onto something as the ride was quite bumpy, making you sweat and shake. But you survived, and you were at your new home. At least for the next 4 months. 

It wasn’t a hard decision to decide to study abroad, but you really hoped you met good people and made friends. It had always been a struggle making and keeping a good batch of people in your life. You had thought it was easy to make friends during your time in London; no one knows you and they don’t know your insecurities. So, you thought it was going to be easy.

And luckily, you were right. 

You had met your three best girl friends, all that you had shared a small place with. The common room had held so many memories between the four of you, and you felt so immensely grateful for them. Late night talks and laughs while drinking wine and eating snacks were some of your best memories. You had missed the common room greatly. 

One night, Tanya had suggested a night out on their first week there, “let’s all go out with the guys tonight! I already met Peter, and we talked about going out, so we could introduce you to everyone!” 

The girls and guys were stoked for the most part, and you were excited too, but also nervous, hoping the guys had found something interesting about you. 

And that was the night you met Harry. 

Some of the students that went to university in London shared a dorm with the abroad students until they left. Half were in the art program and the other half was the journalism program. Two of the girls in your dorm, Donna and Sophie, were in the journalism class, and you and Tanya were in the art one. You had wished everyone was in the same class, but that made get togethers and dinners at night way more fun because it had felt like everyone had so much to catch up on, and the fun was at the highest level. 

You had seen Harry approximately twice within your first week, but it was merely just from passing. But that night was the first proper night you hung out with him and everyone else. 

You couldn’t deny that he was insanely attractive. Just at first glance he had that sort of charm to him that was irresistible and alluring, wanting more after he was done talking. He was a bit on the quiet side when you met him, but learned that he started getting louder and talkative once you warmed up to him. He was outgoing and fun, the life of the party once he had a drink or two in his system, and when he does have some liquid courage, he gets cuddly and affectionate. 

“Do you want another drink?” He asked in his buzzed state. 

“I think I’m okay right now, and who’s going to take care of you when you keep having more?” You teased. It was definitely the alcohol talking because you would have never voluntarily teased someone like that. 

“Well, we have a few people in our group.” It had made your heart flutter when he said ‘our.’ You had never had a group of friends to call yours, and although it was only the first week, you had known they were going to be a group of special people close to your heart. 

“Our friend group is also drunk off their asses, so I think there needs to be a responsible person right now, and that is me,” you put your hands under your chin and started fluttering your eyes innocently. Harry thought you were the most charming and sweetest girl he’s ever met, and it had only been a week. 

“Okay, whatever you say, missy,” he teased. You held back your big smile, corners of your lips turned up. 

“Go get your drink. I’ll wait here,” you pushed his shoulder slightly towards the bar with a chuckle. 

“Ooh, bossy. I like it,” he said with a wink before he headed towards the bar. You were lucky that he had already left to get a drink, or else he would’ve seen your face turn into a light red shade, flustered from his actions.  

As the night went on, Harry had practically clung onto you when he was buzzed, and never let you go until everyone walked back to the dorms. 

“No, don’t wanna leave ya,” he whined a bit when you tried handing him off to his friend. “Nooo, don’t make me go with him,” he pouted as if he was a child. You had gigged, thinking he was the absolute cutest when he was drunk (and not drunk) as he clung onto you until you physically had to put him in his bed.

His arms were still tight around you, your body was laying slightly on top of him. Lazy smiles and droopy eyes were made at you, causing you to chuckle. 

“Mmm. Hello,” he said with a giggle. 

“Hi. You okay?” 

“Yup. Perfect. You know...you’re very pretty,” he says as he smiled. Although he was drunk, Harry was telling the truth. 

“Thank you.” And although he was drunk, it still made you smile. 

“Mhm…” he mumbled in response. The silence between you two was enough to lull him to sleep; arms were still around you. 

“Goodnight, Harry,” you said against his forehead, giving him a small kiss as you tried your best to slip out of his hold. 

That moment had changed everything. 

The two of you had gotten closer after that night. The next day, you bumped into him in the lobby of the building and he asked if you wanted to walk to class with him. 

You laughed about it with him as you walked, “you were so cute last night.” 

“Yeah, M’sorry about that. I get like that when m’drunk,” he shyly said. 

“No need to apologize. I’m glad you had fun,” you said with a smile. He had smiled back at you as he felt the butterflies in his stomach flutter around. 

You and Harry spent almost everyday after class together or in between classes for a quick bite to eat. There was a usual coffee shop near the building that you would always meet each other at on Mondays and Wednesdays. On Tuesday, you two would walk together to a fish n’ chips spot for lunch. On Thursdays, it was a sandwich shop. Fridays you saved your outings for that night as everyone got together on Fridays. 

“We could make this our thing, y’know?” Harry suggested. 

“Fish n’ Chips Tuesdays?” You beamed at him. 

“Yeah, and coffee shop Mondays and Wednesdays, and sandwich shop Thursdays,” he was quite nervous getting that out, but he managed to do it with a smile. 

“That would be nice. Don't you think you would get tired of me?” You teased him, raising your eyebrow as you took a handful of fries and shoving them in your mouth. You hadn’t realized, at the time, how unattractive you might’ve looked, but Harry couldn’t help but smile and fall deeper. 

And he never got tired of you. 

Aside from having lunch and coffee everyday together, you had taken him to art museums. He wasn’t horrible at trying to interpret art, but looking at you beside him as you gazed at the art above yourself was something that he was fond of. He smiled every time you got lost in the art as you studied it, passionately looking up, trying to figure out what each piece means to you. It was admirable, really. 

“You’re gonna be up there one day, watch,” he had whispered to you as you were in a daze. You chuckled as you looked at him, seeing if he was messing around. He wasn't though. He had seen your paintings and sketches, and thought that you deserved to be hung up high in the gallery. 

“You’re sweet,” you smiled and he put his arm around your shoulder, bringing you closer to his side. The affection had made you blush, thinking how you were falling for your best friend. 

After two months into studying abroad, you felt the happiest you’ve ever been. Aside from the constant moving around and trying your best to explore every part of the city, you felt like you belonged there. All those years living, you felt like you weren’t truly living, and being in London was possibly one of the best decisions you’ve ever made. 

You felt at peace. You were calm, and genuinely happy. Your head wasn’t racing like it was back in your hometown, and you weren’t anxiously looking over your shoulder, realizing that no one really is after you. 

The group decided to take a trip to Paris for the day, and the rest of the days would be spent hitting up a city or two. Everyone had the week off; a bit like spring break as you finished the first half of studying abroad. Everyone was super excited, and you haven’t been to Paris before so it was going to be a new place that you could check off from your list with your favorite people. 

It was a two and a half hour train ride from London to Paris, so you had loaded up a two hour playlist for the ride. 

At the time, it seemed like everyone knew that you were crushing on Harry, except Harry himself. When everyone boarded, the only seat empty was the one next to him. You weren’t mad, in fact, you were thrilled that the seat next to him was vacant. When you sat next to him, his eyes beamed, glad to see you, and you looked over at your friends as they gave you that teasing eye look while you rolled your eyes. 

“Anyone sitting here?” You asked and he shook his head no, giving you a small smile to sit down.

Everyone was still tired, considering it was 7 in the morning, and the group wanted to stay in Paris for the entire day. You yawned and Harry looked at you, giving you a soft smile. You grabbed your earphones out of your purse, handing one earphone to him and placing the other in your ear. In that moment, Harry was so happy as you two listened to Frank Sinatra on the way to Paris, placing your head on your shoulder and his on your head as Frank lulled you both into a nap before your adventure together. 

The entire day was eventful, but exhausting. With everyone on their feet, they were all ready to crash and luckily it was nearing sunset before the last train of the day. 

The last touristy place was the famous Eiffel Tower. Everyone had decided to get some wine and snacks as the whole group sat on a big blanket in the grass area in front of the Eiffel Tower. The sun was slowly setting and the guys were playing with a soccer ball, passing it around as the girls drank and talked; music playing from the speaker Sophie had brought with her.

 You took a mental picture of the scene around you; the people, atmosphere, and the feeling. And you had softly smiled, thinking these are the people in your life that are going to be in your life forever. Despite the fact that half of you had to go separate ways, there was a certainty in your head that everyone will always end up back together again. 

The sun had fully set and the lights on the Eiffel Tower had turned on as it started twinkling, lighting up Paris since the sun had gone tired. The guys were getting tired as well, so they sat with the girls. Harry was on your right side, arm behind your back but he didn’t touch you as it rested on the blanket and he leaned on it. 

“Dance with me,” he whispered ever so softly in your ear. You turned towards him and he smiled. 

“Right now?” 

“Yes, right now. Please, dance with me,” he pleaded and you nodded. He had immediately gotten up and helped you up. 

‘A Sunday Kind of Love’ by Etta James began playing softly as you and Harry swayed. Your arms were around his neck and his were around your waist. Chests pressed together as you had felt his heartbeat that pounded through his chest that gladly traveled to your chest, making your heart beat in sync with his.

It was silent between you two. There were no outside noises interrupting your bubble as you two ignored the eyes your friends were giving you. It was just you and Harry, the music, and the Eiffel Tower that captured your love and kept it for memory sake as you swayed under the moonlight. 

Harry had pulled away from you, looking so intently in your eyes, fondness gleamed out of them.

“Be mine,” he said softly. “I’m fallin’ for you, and I’m fallin’ hard. Please be mine already?” You were about ready to cry in that moment, but tears glossed your eyes.

You nodded and he beamed, “Only if you agree to be mine as well because I’m falling for you too,” you added. 

Harry immediately nodded, “I’ve been yours…this whole time.”

“Harry…” 

“Yes, darling?” The pet name had come unexpected, but you loved it nonetheless. 

“Kiss me.”

He took your face in his hands, brushing away the strands of hair that had covered your pretty eyes before capturing your lips with his. The molded between your lips and his was perfect, like they were meant to be kissing Harry’s. Your hold on him grew tighter as your tongues touched for the first time. It sent shivers down your spine and made the hairs on the back of your neck rise. 

It was a moment that would never leave your mind and you two would cherish it forever. 

It had been two weeks since the group arrived back to London from Paris. Two weeks since the best day of your life, and you and Harry were attached at the hip and at the heart. It had been so easy to be around him, and you couldn’t believe he was your boyfriend. Your boyfriend.

You’ve been falling for him ever since the day you went out with everyone for the first time and clung onto you like a koala. But you were glad to be that tree for him that night. 

The regular dates hadn’t stopped. You two acted the same around each other, and that was because of the friendship before the relationship. And you were able to hold his hand while walking down the street and kiss him against the wall of an alley.

It was the third month of school, and everyone was swamped in midterm studies. The amount of stress everyone had was enough for an entire school year because of how fast paced the program was. 

It neared eleven at night in the boys’ dorm. Everyone’s heads were in their books or typing on their laptop, papers scattered around them. For the art program, you had to visit various museums and look for a painting that defined the meaning of Impressionism art along with a 2,000 words that went along with the painting. 

Multiple yawns passed through the room, and everyone was exhausted. 

“Alright, I’m done for the night. Can’t do anymore studying,” Tanya said as she started packing her things up loosely. 

“Yeah, think we should call it a night,” Cade suggested. 

A series of ‘goodlucks’ and hugs went around the room as everyone packed their things up, and the girls went off to the dorm as you were still packing, wanting a minute alone with Harry. 

“Stay the night?” He had suggested, and you turned around and stopped fixing your things. 

“You want me to?” 

“Yeah. Think I’ll sleep better with you here and m’all stressed out.” 

“Okay,” you replied back, thinking that you would sleep better with him as well. 

As you two got into bed, Harry had played music on his phone, saying that it had helped him sleep and it was a habit when getting into bed. You noticed that you and Harry had the same love for Frank Sinatra as he hugged you to his chest. 

The two had laid there, not even closing your eyes to try and get some sleep. But rather, staring at the ceiling, running your hands up and down each other’s skin. 

And the moment you had leaned up to give him a kiss, you two couldn’t stop there. 

Hands that roamed your body had made that electrifying feeling stronger, pulling him in for more. The passionate kisses that you two traded had triggered each other’s arousal as he hovered over you. The pull and undressing of each other’s clothes while ‘Strangers in the Night’ played had left you wanting more and more of him. 

“I’ve never done this before. Like any of this,” you whispered. 

“Do you want to continue? We don’t have to if you don’t want to--I’m definitely fine with just kissin’ ya,” he said with a smile, causing you to beam at him being a gentleman. 

“Yes, want this so bad, baby.” You responded quickly, feeling very eager. He smiled in return and continued what he was doing.

He had asked you throughout the experience if you were okay with everything, and when you told him ‘yes please, give it to me’, he made sure he got you ready for him; rubbing your button and fingering you to your high, something you’ve never experienced with another person. 

It was the reassurance that Harry had given for your first time, and the constant questions of making sure if you were okay and if you were comfortable when he slowly pushed into you, trying to make sure he wasn’t being too hard with you because of his hard and big length. 

“So good for me,” he whispered out, kissing your lips. 

“Feels so good,” you had moaned out, never experiencing this type of feeling before. The pleasure had taken over the stinging feeling of your Harry entering you for the first time. You two were connected in a way you’ve never felt before. 

The soft whispers of praises that fell from your lips, and your arousal and orgasm prior that lubricated Harry’s thrusting, had made him feel so many things. He wanted to last for you, he didn't want this moment to end. Scratches in his hair and down his back had encouraged him to continue as you moaned his name in his ear, and he pressed wet kisses to your neck as he grabbed your breast. 

Two strangers in the night who had no idea of each other’s existence just three months ago. They had no clue of what their life was going to become when they met each other. It was the way you looked at each other that he knew you weren’t going to be just a stranger to him. Although he had a bit of alcohol in his system, he knew in his heart that he was going to find that sort of comfort and caring personality when he started talking to you. 

Harry continued to make love to you as the moonlight was seeping through the blinds, like the love that seeped through your veins for each other. He brought you both to your highs, and the only thing that was heard was the hushed moans and groans that came out of your mouths that could signify the love you have for one another.

It was that moment that changed everything. 

The fourth month had approached sooner than you would like. 

You and Harry hadn’t discussed what was going to happen when you had to leave, but you had hoped that you could make long distance work. 

The feelings you had for him were nothing you had ever felt before. It had made you cry out of happiness in random times, but also made you want to scream because of how too good to be true he is. 

He treated you like a queen. Making sure to give you as much love as you could handle, but sometimes a little more because he couldn’t hold it in. 

Throughout the weeks, you had learned so much about him and him, you. You didn’t think there was someone in the world that was so kind and caring; someone who shares similar passions and likes the same things you do. He was an angel sent from above, and you wanted to keep him for as long as possible. 

One night, you two shared your pasts together as you laid in bed together after a session of love making and a few rounds of hard fucking per your request. 

The fear you had inside of you was trickling down with your words when you had told him your insecurities and stories of your family that you wanted to forget. But he took everything so well; never looking at you for your insecurities, but only for your heart. 

“They weren’t very really supportive of me--of what I wanted to do. They just expected me to follow what they wanted, and I didn’t like that…” His hands roamed your skin innocently, comforting you and let you know he was there for you. “I was already miserable there. I didn’t want to be even more miserable doing something I hated. So I went against their demands and they said they weren’t going to pay for anything. But luckily I got a scholarship, and moved away from home.” 

“I’m proud of you for doing that.” You looked up at him as he continued. “It’s admirable to see you chase your dream and do what you want to do, despite being told by parents who don’t support you. You’re strong for that, y’know?” You hadn’t responded; just took in his words of support and comfort. You kissed his chest, leaving soft and wet kisses to his skin. 

It was like you couldn’t get enough of him. The magnetic pull that you had between you had grown, making the force stronger than ever, and you never wanted to leave his side. 

As the last few weeks of studying abroad we’re coming to an end, everyone was focused on finals. There weren’t that many dinners or nights out at that moment, but everyone had time since the people who lived outside of England had a week before they had to pack up and leave. 

One night as Harry was in your room, studying on the bed as you were writing a paper for your final project, he had suggested visiting his hometown. 

“Darling, I have a question,” he perked up. You looked at him and nodded for him to continue. “You could say no and that would be totally fine, but how about we go to my hometown this weekend? We could even study over there. It’s less noisy and it’s not a hussle and bussle kind of town. I just want you to be able to see where I grew up.” 

You smiled, “Sounds nice. Where are we going to stay?” 

“Figured we could stay at my mum’s? She’s got a great backyard, or we could explore and I could take you around,” he said with great hope. Your heart fluttered, Harry wanted you to see where he grew up. He wanted to show you every corner of his hometown. 

“Oh…at your mom’s. Is she going to be there?” The thought of meeting his mother had scared you. You had never met anyone’s parents, and it was the nagging thought in your head telling you that you were going to mess it up. 

“Yeah, but we could get a hotel or something-”

“No! I would love to stay there, and I would love to meet your mom.”

Harry smiled, giving you a kiss to your lips before grabbing his phone and texting his mother.

The train ride to Holmes Chapel was about two and a half hours. 

You suddenly had a fascination with trains as you felt like it kept you calm while you watched different towns and buildings pass by. 

With the speed of the train, it had felt like you were in slow motion. Your eyes tried taking in everything you saw, capturing every moment of what you want to remember. And Harry is in a lot of those images. 

Holmes Chapel was very welcoming and warm. Despite the weather, it was warm. It felt like home. It was a small town and everyone seemed to know the next person, but you loved every part of it because it was where Harry grew up. 

His childhood home was even lovelier. Maybe it was because of the fact that Anne lived there and Harry grew up there, but she was ever so sweet and welcomed you in with open arms. 

She had taken a liking to you immediately, telling you childhood stories of Harry and his sister, Gemma, that only family knew. Harry was ultimately surprised at how quickly Anne opened up to you. He knew his mother was kind, but she kept to herself and didn’t speak when she was uncomfortable, so to see his mother laughing loudly with his also somewhat shy girlfriend, made his heart burst with love. 

Harry had watched them sit at the dining table, sharing stories as he leaned against the kitchen counter as he wore a robe to keep him warm while smiling so big that his jaw physically started to hurt. 

He’d never had felt so loved and had never loved anything like he does with you. It surprised him how fast he fell for you, but it was quite possibly the easiest thing he did. There was no judgement in the relationship. You had kept him grounded and helped him when he was going through a rut when writing. 

The only thing that was bad about the relationship was the distance that will be put between you two when you leave to go back home. He didn’t want this to become a fling, to have a time limit. He knew exactly what he was getting into the day he asked you to be his, and he didn’t want to let go of you. 

And he truly hoped you felt the same. 

Just after you and Harry were back in London after visiting Anne and his hometown, finals had approached rather quickly. You had had a great time spending a little time with his mother, and you think she liked you very much. There were countless conversations and laughs that you will never forget. 

“Can I ask you something sweetheart?” Anne asked. 

“Of course,” you said, and you had been nervous as to what she was going to ask. 

“You mentioned that you were leaving just before the holiday, but I just wanted to ask where that leaves you and Harry. Are you two still going to be together?” A frown had made an appearance on her face, resembling your own. 

“I would like to. We haven’t spoken about it, but I’m sure that conversation will happen soon,” you had answered honestly.

“You still would still want to be with him?” You nodded in response. “That’s great to know. I like you a lot, and Harry has taken quite the liking towards you as well, but I just didn’t know if it was some sort of abroad type of relationship; someone to just keep you company in a new country-”

“No, it’s nothing like that! I know it’s only been almost two months of our relationship, but I love him, and I would never let him go. I didn’t want to study abroad to have a relationship, but he stumbled into my life so unexpectedly and I don’t have plans of letting that kind of love go.” 

Everything you had said was the whole truth. You weren’t expecting a relationship to come out of this, but you’re so immensely happy that it did because Harry walked into your life. Although you hadn’t known him for a very long time, quality overruled quantity. The connection you two had made within the few months meant something deeper than a fling. 

Anne smiled and nodded, like she was appreciating you and her respect for you had increased. The topic was over, and it was onto the next that was followed by laughs. And that entire time you stayed at her house, Anne knew exactly why Harry had fallen in love with you. 

The last week of being in London had come very quickly, and sadness was an understatement. 

The people who were leaving had decided to start packing the things that they didn’t need and weren’t going to use anymore, so they had extra time to spend and go out with everyone because packing your things for four months plus the things you bought wasn’t all that fun. 

It was Monday morning after finals when you had heard your phone buzz on your bedside table. You had groaned as it felt like you had slept for only 30 minutes. You debated on whether to check it in your sleepy state. The buzzing had stopped, making your thoughts turn off, but started back up once again and you figured you should check it. 

Harry was calling you in the early hours of the morning. It was 6 a.m and if it were anyone else, you would ignore it. 

“Harry? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” You had mumbled once you answered the phone. Harry chuckled, but also fell deeper in love as you were just as caring as you were awake. 

“Darling, m’fine! M’actually outside of your dorm. I didn’t want to knock and wake everyone else up, but get up. We’re going on an adventure,” he said in a hushed voice, and you practically heard his smile through the phone. 

“Harry…” your eyes were still closed, exhausted from your slumber. 

“Please, baby. You won’t regret it.” 

And you didn’t. You never regretted anything when it came to Harry. 

You had gotten up and dressed warm enough for your adventure, and met Harry outside to which he rewarded you with a hug and kiss, thanking you for putting up with him. 

You both got in Peter’s car that Harry had begged him to take for a little bit, and luckily he agreed because the tube wasn’t running at that time. With Harry’s arm in your lap, you leaned on his arm as you closed your eyes until he took you both to your destination.

It was still a bit dark out, but it was way past the starry night it was a few hours ago. The sun was just about ready to rise, and the early bird got the worm. 

Harry had held your hand as he led you both up to top of the Primrose Hill, showing the beautiful London city. It had taken you both a while to get to the top, due to you being extremely sleepy still and sluggishly holding you both back. Harry had set a blanket down for you two to sit on, and you immediately snuggled into him. 

“Don’t fall asleep on me, darling. We have a sunrise to watch,” he said, leaning his head down and caressing your face. 

“Mmm. Tired,” you grumbled. 

“Please? It’s your last week here,” he said sadly, and you wished you hadn’t complained that you were tired because hearing his tone had almost broke your heart. But that woke you up slightly, realizing that you didn’t want to miss another moment with him. 

The sky had gotten a little lighter, and Harry checked his phone for the time, about 30 minutes till the sun started to rise. 

“Tell me something,” he said. It had been a thing you two did when you started hanging out. It was sort of a confession time; either can say anything you want to say and the other will listen. 

“I’m going to miss you so much that the thought of us not being physically next to each other will hurt so bad,” you confessed. 

“I’m going to miss you too.” 

“Baby, you don’t understand. My heart will completely break once I part ways with you at the airport. I cant handle it, Harry,” your body had completely faced his, and he noticed your eyes were swollen from the lack of sleep and the incoming tears. 

“Hey, I know exactly how you feel. You’re not the only one who gets to feel like that,” he said more seriously. “But we’re gonna get through this, okay? We’ll do everything to make sure we make it together,” he had placed a hand on your cheek. 

“You want this right?” Your insecurities had gotten in the way and you needed reassurance from him, and Harry knew that and didn’t ever complain to give it to you. 

“Of course, baby. Never gave you a reason telling you I didn’t want this, right?” You shook your head, tears had made its way down your face, and Harry had shared the same tears as you. “Then don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine. I’ll make sure of it.” Harry held you to his chest and you both cried in each other’s arms. 

The sunrise was as beautiful as ever that morning, screaming for a new beginning as the sun illuminated the sky into an orange and yellow glow. The new beginning was right in your arms as you held him tighter while tears fell down both of your faces, feeling powerful and stronger together as you two poured every emotion and energy into each other. 

Harry was your sunrise and your sunset. 

You wanted to spend the beginning of every morning with him and have him be the last thing you see before you are pulled into a deep slumber, dreaming of him for hours until you see his face again and make him your reality. 

And you both were going to make it. 

The ride to the airport was long and filled with silence as words weren’t needed at that time; only the hurt because of the love that was so strong that nothing could come between you two. Not even distance. 

You already missed the whole group dearly, and the last dinner with everyone was bittersweet. It was an emotional one as everyone talked about their favorite times and laughed at memories of drunken stories. And at the end, everyone raised a glass. 

“To the best group of friends out there.” 

“To a talented ass group of artists and writers.” 

“To love, laughter, and the pub.” 

“To new beginnings, but never endings.” 

Everyone cried and hugged each other, making the moment last forever, but it was definitely not the last time. 

You slowly walked with Harry, hand in hand as he rolled your luggage, to the area where you both had to part your ways. He had kissed your hand and head multiple times until you stood facing in front of him. 

The embrace you two shared was the most gut wrenching feeling you had ever felt in your life, and it felt like your heart was physically breaking along with Harry’s. 

Your hearts had always been in sync, beating as fast as the other or filling in beats for one another when one of your hearts had skipped a beat. Being without one another would feel like a missing beat in your hearts, and you needed the other to fulfill it.

“This is not goodbye. It’s never going to be goodbye with you, okay?” Harry’s voice croaked and you nodded, too afraid to speak as tears spilled out of your eyes. 

You were breathing deeply, knowing you should go through TSA already as you both were trying to spend every last minute together. 

“Tell me something?” Harry had asked one last time in person. You thought hard about it, wanting to make it the best one he’s ever heard. 

“I love you, baby.” 

He gave you a small and sad smile as more tears formed in his eyes, “I love you too. So much, darling.” 

And then you were off.

Harry had watched you walk away until he couldn’t see you anymore before he had sulked back to his dorm, crying all the way back. He felt empty without you beside him. With spending everyday with each other for the past four months, it had felt like a punch to his chest when you had left. 

When he had gotten back to his room, he noticed a large square board wrapped in festive wrapping paper with an envelope attached to it. 

‘To my lovely Harry, 

Thank you for loving with me, laughing with me, and living with me. You’re the best person I’ve ever come to know, so I hope you enjoy this piece that was dedicated to you (and our group of friends). I’m so grateful you’re the person who has my heart.

I love you and miss you so much. 

Yours forever.

The tears hadn’t stopped since he saw you leave, and they kept on coming as he opened his present.

Sitting in his hands was your final project along with your paper. It was a painting of his hand holding a heart as blood dripped from it. He noticed it was his hand because of the various rings he wore. The London Eye, Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower, and the pub were at the aorta as a plane curved from around the heart. The background was painted as an orange and yellow color, symbolizing the sunset. 

Harry sobbed and hugged your painting to his chest, feeling as if it’s the last thing he has of you for a while. He picked up your paper and read the title. 

‘The Power of Being Vulnerable’ 

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

And so you were sat on a floral blanket, two years later; setting up your lunch, and taking out your sketchbook along with your supplies. You had brought your painting easel, in case it wasn’t going to rain, and you’re glad that you brought it because the weather was just gorgeous enough to paint outside for a while.

Before you went to the park, you had time to make a quick and small charcuterie board that was filled with Brie, prosciutto, crackers, and honey; a snack that would take up your time under the warm sun. 

You started sketching your drawing until you felt a familiar pair of lips against your cheek behind you. 

“Hi, darling,” his raspy voice that had brought you immediate peace said in your ear. You turned your head, and saw the beautiful smile beaming down at you before sitting down and meeting you at eye level, giving you a kiss to your lips. 

“Hi, baby.” 

“Sorry I’m late, quite the line at the sandwich shop, but I got your favorite as always.” You smiled after him, thanking him for waiting in that line and for the food. 

“It’s okay, practically just sat down a few minutes ago, and set everything up.” 

“Okay, good. By the way, you look absolutely beautiful,” he took off his sunglasses to give him a more clear look. You were wearing a dress that complimented your skin tone, making your eyes enticing that he couldn’t help but fall more in love.

“Thank you, my love. You look so handsome,” you complimented back, leaning in to peck his lips. Harry was wearing a plaid button down flannel, black jeans, boots, and a fedora. His hair has grown much longer over the past few years, and you honestly love it. One day, you had told him that he looks like a prince to which you earned a blush. 

“Gonna paint, my darling?” 

“Yeah. Nice weather out today, so definitely going to.” 

“Can’t wait you see what you put together,” Harry smiles, making the dimples that you love so much, pop out. 

You and Harry spent the rest of the day together before it was time to head to dinner with the six other people that had changed your life. It was something simple like sitting on top of the same hill you were at two years ago that made your heart flutter. With his head in your lap as he read a book, occasionally stopping to scratch his head and give him a kiss to his forehead, and you sitting upright painting away as he fed you crackers and cheese, you would have never known this is how your life would turn out. 

You were extremely grateful for the years you were given to be with Harry and your group of friends that you love so dearly. You were a shy girl, scared of being scared, hardly opened up to anyone. 

But that same shy girl blossomed. She blossomed into a beautiful woman who was being praised and treated like the way she should. The man beside her had reminded her every single day that she is a stunning and caring person that deserves the world and more. She eventually started to believe it herself. She began to start seeing herself that way. She woke up and looked in the mirror and started to remind herself that she was beautiful and that she was going to take over the world. 

The affirmations had come from opening herself up to people who genuinely cared about her. Because being vulnerable isn’t bad whatsoever. 

It allowed you to let go of whatever pain there was inside your heart and leaned onto someone so they could hold your pain as well because you finally weren’t alone. You finally had people who loved you and needed you. 

You had opened your heart up all those years ago, and it led you to the best thing that’s ever happened to you. 

With two years of loving each other and two years of long distance, you had opened up your heart to the most special man in the world. The constant tears of missing each other from the other side of the world. The need to feel his touch. The tiring plane rides every four months to visit him, until it was his turn to visit you. The care packages. The long FaceTime chats. They all led to the best hugs when you reunited with Harry. 

You would travel the world and back if it meant Harry was your destination. 

And it was where the world took you that led to your forever. 

feedback is appreciated here! <3 also i would love to take blurbs for this and write more about them, so please let me know what you like to read!

[samedmunds]

My litany thoughts on 1999 cult classic strategy video game Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri

Alpha Centauri is a game of the early Civilization variety from the EA golden age and ranks very highly in my top ten. While you probably heard of it if you were playing video games around the turn of the century, I've found members of my age cohort to be tragically unfamiliar with this masterpiece.

Alpha Centauri is an unofficial sequel to Civilization II, a game where the only way to way to win is either completely eliminate all competitors to the last city or, rather more easily, send a spaceship loaded with colonists to the title star system. Shortly after leaving home, the ship loses contact with Earth, which would make sense to a player of Civilization II where the bonuses to science and trade from democracies evaporate when technology ends, upon which point all the AIs revolt and become militant fundamentalist theocracies and climate change rapidly destroys the planet, leaving the player with an endgame that is literally 1984. Either way, when the already strained ship arrives at the Alpha Centauri system an unknown partisan assassinates the captain of the UNS Unity and the population fractures into seven opposing factions before firing the colony pods and exploring an inconveniently hostile planet.

The player starts here, in typical Civ fashion: a scout, settler, and absolutely no technology to speak of. That isn't to say you are a bunch of primitives, all your units start out with some approximation to modern guns and judging by the amazing quotes and wonder videos your society is well beyond the 21st century--more on the story later. The gameplay is incredibly well-balanced in spite of its age and quirks (with the exception of the freight-train progression of Yang). Rapid early expansion as the bountiful Peacekeepers may leave you at serious risk to the relentlessly martial Spartans, who are in turn threatened by the uber-specialized technocratic University--but be careful to underestimate the backwards Lord's Believers, their probe teams will just as quickly rob you of your gains. The Morganites can afford to sparsely defend their home if they're willing to pay off their aggressors, but they'll struggle expand over great swaths of territory without irking civil unrest drone riots from corruption. Meanwhile the Gaian Acolytes can harness the permanently-dangerous mindworms to great effect from the beginning of the game. Yang just... builds. And keeps building, and next thing you know he's conquered the Peacekeepers and turned Miriam into nothing more than a puppet and where are all these cruise missiles are coming from?

In short, the strategic design of this game is nothing less than a work of art, but that isn't to say it doesn't have its anachronisms. The User Interface has taken its inspiration from early versions of Microsoft Word and it rapidly pays off to know the hotkeys. The wonder videos are resolution locked and can sometimes cause problems depending on your display configuration. The unit creation system is simultaneously wonderful and horrendous. It allows me to create special long-range nerve gas bombers that eradicate cities shortly before orbitally-dropping specially-trained garrisons to quash all resistance. On the other hand, if you do not accept the cumbersome slew of computer-generated options, keeping your new weapons systems up to date with your latest technology (especially when playing as Zakharov) rapidly becomes a chore.

That said, there are a variety of features in the game that I think deserve to make a reappearance in the Civ Games. The pick-your-government system is incredibly balanced and fun to roleplay. You can't get away with crimes against humanity when solar storms hit in Civilization VI, nor can you weaponise climate change to flood your rivals cities, or strategically terraform to alter weather patterns and deny your neighbors arable land. At the bare minimum, we should be given the option to nerve staple rebelling cities when our control runs out!

All that said, there is also the story to contend with. One is at first tempted to think that a 4x strategy game with a marked emphasis on replayability would necessarily have a tacked-on story, if one at all. After all, the point is for the player to create it through their actions, not have it spoonfed to them. The majority of what you learn about your world that isn't printed in numbers and small pictures on the mapscreen is through blurbs that accompany each discovered technology or new building. The aforementioned wonders even have their adorable early-CG renderings, sometimes mixed in with some experimental film footage. There are occasional interludes that describe the mindworms and machinations of Planet, but the bulk of the wordage comes from epigrams of the faction leaders and the occasional bit of Nietzsche or Plato. It's so good that I can't help but stop and listen to CEO Nbwadibuke Morgan ramble on about supply chain economics or Sister Miriam's apocalyptic warnings every single time. Take some examples.

Proper care and education for our children remains a cornerstone of our entire colonization effort. Children not only shape our future; they determine in many ways our present. Men and women work harder knowing their children are safe and close at hand, and never forget that, with children present, parents will defend their home to the death!

--Col. Corazon Santiago, "Planet: A Survivalist's Guide"

Or perhaps, a more on the nose one:

"The Academician's private residences shall remain off-limits to the Genetic Inspectors. We possess no retroviral capability, we are not researching retroviral engineering, and we shall not allow this Council to violate faction privileges in the name of this ridiculous witch hunt!

--Fedor Petrov, Vice Provost for University Affairs Accompanies the Retroviral Engineering technology

The game often doesn't directly tell you what Retroviral engineering is, nor does it labor to explain just what having someone nerve stapled means, or the precise function of the Recycling Tanks, but through its quotation it beautifully circumlocutes the world you are shaping--and being shaped by. It really never pulls any of its punches, even if its just on Organic Superlube--great stuff--and I still catch muself quoting it regularly.

Ursula LeGuin once wrote

"Science fiction is often described, and even defined, as extrapolative. The science fiction writer is supposed to take a trend or phenomenon of the here-and-now, purify and intensify it for dramatic effect, and extend it into the future. 'If this goes on, this is what will happen.' [...] This may explain why many people who read science fiction describe it as 'escapist,' but when questioned further, admit they do not read it because 'it's so depressing.'"

Alpha Centauri is absolutely extrapolative fiction and very firmly rooted in the 1990s and I love it. It was released in the Aaron Sorkin TV, pre-9/11 days where the word Internet was more often than not followed by the words, "is like an information superhighway" and it absolutely no efforts are made to cover it up. The main factions are a cross-section of the New Millenium's hopes and anxieties. A New Russia that went a very different path before Putin took over, a cheerful clan of ruthless Western capitalists hellbent on putting Morganvision on every network set, a group of vaguely Scottish free-love peaceniks hellbent on defending the most-of-the-time incredibly hostile environment. There's the Second-Amendment preaching Spartans or the optimistically-influential UN which, judging by its naming scheme for its bases, seems to dedicate entire cities to bureaucratic agencies. The All-American Christian fundamentalists don't entirely butt heads with the frighteningly powerful Human-Hive (if your country calls their cities names like "Huddling of the People" and "Paradise Swarming" you might not be the good guys). The expansion also brings in more dynamic characters like the Information Wants to be Free! data angels Brian Reynolds very clearly came up with after watching Swordfish and Hackers back to back or the Nautilus Pirates who have no right to be as fun as they are.

The visions of the future are at once both anachronistic and prophetic; while elements may come off as cheese, I see it as a sort of window to the past, a way to examine what was once (and sometimes still is) on our mind. All in all, I give Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri 4 out of 5 stars and a definite all-time favorite, warts and all. You can pick it and its expansion up for $6 on Gog.com and play it through a built-in emulator that works for most systems. If you're willing to brave a dated interface and an older-fashioned gameplay style, I would definitely recommend it.