#anyway had an doctor appt this morning in which i was told that a lot of my pain is probably anxiety based which. lmao.

[leofrith]

novel concept here, perhaps, but i think it would be super nice if the medical community in general started giving a shit about menstrual and other reproductive related pain beyond whether it affects someone's fertility or not. like someone please tell me why the only time my reproductive pain is taken seriously is when it relates to my ability to make a fucking baby, something i have absolutely zero interest in doing. why isn't the fact that i'm in pain reason enough to investigate further. why do i keep being recommended various forms of birth control as a blanket solution for my symptoms that nobody seems to care enough about to even attempt to investigate further. why does every concern i have about my pain get downplayed and swept aside in favour of reassurances about my fertility that i didn't ask for. why have i been running around in circles for more than ten years begging for someone to care enough about my pain to listen to me and do something about it. why.

[vtforpedro]

personal/med update

My brain is fried mush right now. I survived my disability hearing on Tuesday. It was definitely informal, a little intimidating, but I feel I got through it well enough. My attorney said it’s a toss up because this judge is extremely professional and won’t give any indication and he sure didn’t. The vocational expert narrowed me down to like 3 jobs, then 2, then 1, then 0. I felt that was a good thing? Like am I not disabled if I can’t do any jobs? Either way, my age is working against me so we shall see. It’s very strange that you can be completely disabled and unable to work, but not by US law so they won’t provide aid. Blegh. Gotta wait another 1-3 months for his written decision. ._. Last Thursday, I noticed I had a ‘spot.’ I call them spots b/c I have eczema but I also had a bad ringworm infection in 2015 and called them spots then. Red spots that turn into rings. Anyway thought it was gonna be eczema but by Friday I was covered in many more. Cue me having multiple meltdowns about it interfering with my hearing if it got too bad lmao It didn’t, but it is bad! I had 49 ringworm spots as of last night and they grow in number by day. So, I went to see an NP b/c my dr couldn’t fit me in. Went as well as every other medical professional interaction has, which was terribly, and left me in tears and feeling beat down yet again by the medical field. She wants disabled me, who was bedbound for eight months and currently in PT to recover, to put cream on 49 spots and counting. With IIH and nerve damage that limits my movement and ability to stand for longer than 10-15 min. But she kept interrupting me and wouldn’t let me explain any of this. Her notes said ‘she is not usually terribly active’ so I guess being bedbound translates to that somehow??? She also said I had 3-4 spots on my breasts which is not what she was told by me or what her MA wrote down. lmao so guess who had to message her pcp again!!!!!!!! A completely healthy person can’t be expected to put cream on 49 spots 2x a day. For me, this involves washing my skin since I am unable to shower every day cause of the whole disabled thing. She said a lot more bullshit about my swollen feet and fatigue, so basically I got zero help. It was barely a 10min appt. Fucking hate them, I swear. She refused to give me the oral anti-fungal cause of my other meds, but my mom asked the pharmacist today and she said I’d be fine to take it. The pharmacist asked, unprompted, if an NP, urgent care or ER doctor said no to the oral pill and my mom was like YES! And she said they don’t understand it and won’t give it despite it being used every day even for yeast infections and athlete’s foot. She said her friend went through this shit too trying to get the oral pill. Back in 2015, I suffered this infection for 5mos while applying for health insurance/getting approved/waiting for a pcp because no NP, UC or ER doctor would give me the oral med lmao I saw my new pcp finally and he was like uhhhh no here’s a prescription for it you have way too many spots to worry about putting cream all over your body. Y’all I had been washing my sheets, towels, clothes, taking apple cider vinegar baths, soaking my spots in ACV, then applying one of five or six otc and prescription creams EVERY DAY. I spent two hours twice a day in my bathroom. Ringworm was what I did every day all day for five fucking months. I cannot fathom doing that again. It’s insanity. I was close to a mental breakdown and I only had MH issues back then, none of the physical stuff. I hate it here man Also why do I keep having shit happen every time I turn around. No idea why my feet are swelling, no idea why I have this abnormal fatigue that makes me teary because I sit here and stare at my screen unable to think of anything else but how tired I am. Like for long periods of time. She said to talk to my psychiatrist about it HOOOOOOOO. I woke up this morning and immediately started crying. It’s triggering being treated this way after three years of it. I should’ve waited to see my pcp and used otc in the meantime or something, but my pcp wanted me in asap for my swollen feet so I could get lab orders. Which, according to this NP, ‘there are no labs for swollen feet.’ Where did they get this lady She’s like WHAT ABOUT YOUR LEUKEMIA DID THEY CURE IT? I’m like my chronic, lifelong leukemia? No, it is in remission lmao chronic is right there in the name ma’am. It’s the first word. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’m gonna go cry again sorry for ranting I am so so so fucking sick of medical professionals and I cannot wait for it to slow down but my february is completely booked and march is halfway there. Chronic pain life baby!!!!

[dogscatsandnaps]

Its vet tech week and we're off to a great start!!

First, there was a lady that legit wore a lace a mask. Like... gaping holes mesh lace. That she made herself......

There was a client that called an hour after she left here, in hysterics, being like "I'm in tears!".... bc we gave her a rabies tag. Which is required by law when we give the rabies vaccine. Which she approved of when the vet tech talked to her bc the vaccine was due. She threw a fit bc she went thru a lot!!! Getting this rescue dog! From europe (were in the us btw)!! And getting its tag from her county this summer!!

And idk where this was coming from but that was fun.

Then, there was a lady who called to pay for a training class she signed up for. I told her sure, please hold. And transferred her to the csr. And then apparently she gave the csr attitude bc "it wouldve been nice if that girl told me she was transfering me ugh!!!"

Like.... what???

And then!!

There was a lady that called that wanted to establish herself as a new client. And she was on our website bc she was told to fill out paper work, but there wasn't anything there. I tell her were not accepting new clients at this time, and it's a recent decision made with the past week or so. Well!! What is she supposed to do now?? She spent 10 whole minutes on the phone 2 weeks ago!! Talking about her new puppy coming here!! And really, word to the wise!! we should ensure all staff knows this so were not misleading!!

LMAO.

AND THEN!!

Oooh boy, is this a doozy....

From Saturday, there was a foster that had called to get a refill for her foster dog's seziure meds...

Now, the key thing to know here is that this dog has hydrocephalus, was diagnosed when he was little. He has a neurologist at an university hospital that he sees for this condition. Every medication related to his condition is prescribed by this doctor.

Anyway, the foster calls for med refill. The csr tells her that we cant do that, we dont know what new dosage he would get. This is usually done by his neurologist. The foster insists that the neurologist wants our doc to do the dog's meds.

Bc the meds for his epilepsy... has nothing to do... with his brain... ?????? Uhh.

My coworker takes the phone from there bc at this point the foster is berating the csr, right. Well, this coworker happens to have been the tech that was in the room when the dog came in the other day for bloodwork. She was in the room when the doc told the foster the blood results will be sent to the neurologist, in time for the dog's appt over there. The tech tells the foster that only the neurologist prescribes brain meds for this dog.

And the foster! Insists that epilepsy has nothing to do with this dog's half watered brain!

This goes in circles for awhile until the tech basically puts her foot down and hangs up.... and the foster continues to call and harass us all of Saturday. Our csr cant get in a word with this lady going Full Karen.

To the point where we call the neurologist's office, right. The staff informs us that the doc is out on vacation. And that the foster had missed the scheduled appt a few days ago.... And that the foster had insisted to them that our doc was taking over for this dog's condition.... away from... the neurologist...

Stories are getting crossed here, lies are being revealed, and it's a busy Saturday, and this foster is being beyond difficult. It got to the point where she threatened to get our doc's license revoked when she reports us to... the manager... of vets??

Needless to say, our doc was Done. And fired her. And told the rescue board leaders that they better clear this shit up with the foster.

So. Come this Monday morning. We find out that this absolute Karen of a foster had been calling and texting and harassing the board members thru the weekend. And idk what they got, but, we got a call from the neurologist office and apparently they got in contact with their doc, who is on vaca, and apparently meds had already been filled and the doctor had left a voicemail for the owner a few days earlier...before this whole thing happened....

Like... at this point it's so ridiculous, and convoluted and strange and stupid... like, why??? Anyway. That lady is never allowed to contact us ever again.

And that has been our Monday thus far. Happy vet tech week.

[sarahserendipity-blog1]

September 7, 2019

So... first post. Not any pressure or anything. I’m trying to remind myself that I have to start off slow when starting to journal again, that I can’t just empty my brain on command right away.

This morning I woke up after sleeping for about 15 hours. Michelle and I had a looong ass day yesterday (doctor’s appt, seeing Matt’s dorm, sunflower field, lunch with Joe, walking around Salem, long drive home) so I’m not super surprised that I needed a lot of recoup time. I started to edit some of the leftover Lopez wedding photos, but realized my mouse I like to use was broken. I decided to go to Staples to get a new one, and somewhere during this morning I had already been thinking about potentially getting a used iPad off facebook marketplace. I talked to Joe about it while I was buying this mouse, and he suggested I just splurge the extra money and get an actually nice one that I know will work right and not die on me in a few months. So, since Best Buy is right next to Staples, I flounced my ass into the tablet section, waited a million years for an associate to help me, and bought a fuckin iPad. Just like that. Never thought I’d be one to impulsively buy electronics but I guess I impulsively buy everything at this point, so...

Anyway, I got this iPad and went home to set it up. I ended up not really doing much with it because I promised Joe I’d leave for Salem around 2pm. So I put on My Favorite Murder, got some Wendy’s, and headed up there. We went out to see Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, which was a great movie aside from some weird plot holes. The monsters in it were genuinely terrifying, probably because Guillermo Del Torro produced it, and he’s somewhat of a badass with that kind of thing. I slobbered down an entire tub of popcorn, so hopefully I won’t regret that later.

Right when we got home, we ended up having this long serious talk about our relationship and how we both need to try harder. I came clean about how fucked up my thoughts can be, and he opened up about his expectations and hopes for our growth both together and separately. I told him I didn’t want to talk about my depression because I’m not some kind of special snowflake. He countered that to him, I am. That one got me. This entire conversation actually stemmed from talking about Michelle’s dumbass doctor that suggested she solve all her problems with protein shakes. Joe tried to side with the doctor and I promptly lost my shit all over him. I even fucking cried about it. And then that conversation turned into how we communicate, and how we don’t talk, and my mental health, and blah blah blah. It wasn’t as hard for me as it usually is, though, so I guess that’s a plus. I came out of it genuinely wanting to improve as a partner.

Now I’m working on editing the rest of the Lopez wedding photos, although I probably won’t finish them until tomorrow, since I still have to pack my wound. Joe is playing Super Smash Bros with Mason while I work; it feels really nice to just be existing in the same room doing totally different things.

I’m hoping to journal everyday, especially now that I have this fuckin iPad to do so. It’s going to be really good for me.

[letsimportanttreecollection-blog]

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"Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

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Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

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You see I am an awesome driver. I never get in an accident because I am always well aware of my surroundings. I realized that for the past five years of owning my truck, I have spent over 10 times it's worth in insurance, and never once needed it, ever. No accidents, and no getting pulled over. Isn't insurance a waste of money for me? I figured I could just put the money I would normally spend on insurance, in the bank for the same purpose, then if I need it I can take it out. If the truck dies first, I put the money towards a new car. Is this such a bad idea?""

Car Insurance think my car is a write-off but independent garage think otherwise?

My car (an 05 Peugeot 206) was involved in an accident (which was my fault but thankfully no other vehicle or persons involved) and there's been some damage to the front of my car (bonnet, grill etc.) - I've rung my insurer and they believe it's a write-off but I've asked them to send an assessor to check the damage. I've also had an independent garage look at the car (as someone else said that they did this in a similar scenario) who believe its not a write-off and they can repair it (450 was quoted for parts!!). He's sending me a quote for insurance work and a quote if it was done for cash. Can I get my insurer to use this garage if their assessor still deems it a write-off? If not, what are my options? This is my first time claiming insurance and I've got no real idea!!""

How much is motorcycle insurance?

What are some things to keep it as cheap as possible? I know taking a safety class can. I`m 19 years old if that means anything. Thanks.

Do insurance companies cover a chiropractor after an accident?

i was rear ended and had to see a chiropractor because of severe whiplash. the insurance company of the girl who hit me is offering a settlement and almost half of it will be going to ...show more

CHEAP DOWN PAYMENT FOR CAR INSURANCE JUST LIABILITY?

CHEAP CAR INSURANCE LILABITY ONLY

Car insurance for you?

Not to sound stalkerish at all lol I'm just a lil confused on car insurance and want to know what about average is. So can you please put how old you are, what car you drive, and how much you pay... Thanks ALOT it means alot to me :)""

Can a health insurance company deny emergency medical coverage based on the final diagnosis?

I went to the emergency room for symptoms suggesting a life-threatening illness. It turned out I did not have a life-threatening illness and the ER doctor diagnosed something much ...show more

Has anyone used Cover Me Insurance Agency to buy Truck Insurance?

I'm a truck driver in need of truck insurance and filled out their quote form online at http://www.covermeinsurance.com/quote.html but have not heard back from them. I called them about 3am to leave a message but they don't even have a way to leave a message. I was wondering if anyone has had any experience with this truck insurance agency.

Cheaper without health insurance?

I'm sick and got a prescription for Zithromax(zpack) Costco has it for 8.87 under the generic form. My copay for my insurance is $20. Does that mean I should get it without using my health insurance? I was born in Canada so not familiar with all those copay and drug copay stuff. Thanks

Is motorcycle insurance available for six months?

I live in an area where I can only ride for half the year, yet all of the policies cover 12 months. Does anyone know of a company that offers six month packages? A second question, does taking a Riding course offer a sizable discount with insurance companies? Thanks""

Auto insurance?

what is the best auto insurance out there and why

Quick question about RENTERS INSURANCE?

My fiance and i are renting out a house starting Feb. 1st. After a year we have an option to buy the house. Anyways, when we were looking at the house she said her dad wants us to get renters insurance before we move in. I'm guessing because of the fireplace, attic, etc. Do i need to get any info from her before i sign up for insurance? Where do i go to get this? ANY sort of info would be great. We're new to renters insurance. We live in an apartment complex right now with NO insurance.""

How much does high risk auto insurance cost?

How much does high risk auto insurance cost?

Auto Insurance?

I am 18 years old and I am trying to buy insurance for my car. I noticed that the prices for insurance are really high for teen drivers. I was just wondering if my parents could buy the insurance under their name so the payments can be cheaper or does the policy have to be under my name.

How much roughly will my car insurance go up if I make a claim to have it resprayed due to vandalism?

How much roughly will my car insurance go up if I make a claim to have it resprayed due to vandalism?

What is the average price of auto insurance with 1 adult and 1 teen driver with Allstate?

What is the average price of auto insurance with 1 adult and 1 teen driver with Allstate?

Insurance For a 1968 Ford Falcon?

Can anyone give me a serious quote of what the insurance would be for 16 year old driver on a 1968 Ford Falcon. Also what would be the quote for a 48 year old driver in Northeastern, Ohio.""

Car title and insurance help?

Here is my situation,my sister recently gave me a car but the title card has my dad's name on it.The plan was to put the car under my dad's name so I could practice my driving but my dad has not gone to the DVM to finalize it.I now have my license and debating on whether I should put the car under my name or just let my dad put the car under his name since he will be paying for the insurance.Another problem with the car title is the insurance. I am not sure if he should add me to his policy or get my own policy instead.I don't want him to be affected if I were to get into an accident.I am not a minor if that helps.""

How much (estimate) would car insurance on a Dodge Challenger se r/t & srt8 be for a 18 year old boy?

I want to know the estimate on a dodge challenger srt8 se r/t and see what the differences are in price. Guessing the srt8 is gonna be alot!!! please just estimate. THANK YOU!

Would the risk-neutral person ever buy insurance that was not fair?

If any one knows about this then please write in detail. thanks!

Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

Is the presidents plan to get everyone insured but no one covered?

The Affordable Care Act is a pro-insurance-industry plan implemented by a president. You have to closely look at your plans. Know what illnesses you are going to come down with. See what kind of medications you will need. Know all the advanced medical care needed and the facilities needed. Then insure they are in your plan. That is only the easy part. When you sign up. You should daily check to see if you are covered. People are going to emergency rooms thinking they are covered when they are not. Democrat have an answer to out of network medications and doctors. Pay out of pocket. Democrats say it is personal responsibility to know every disease facilities and medications needed for every conceivable disease. Then insure they are in your plan. Democrats have your best interests at heart when they insure your sex life is listed in your medical record. Democrats would never misuse sex or gun information requested in Obama Care by looking in the electronic records. They are safer then the doctor putting them in a file and keeping them in their office. Now they keep it in their office and a database that Obama can access.

Need health insurance?

looking for private health insurance, what are some companies that are affordable? lists of companies and info about them please. Thanks to all who answer =]""

What's worse for a teens insurance a luxury car or sports car?

I've been wanting to get a civic for a first car so I thought maybe a 2000 civic si and then realized I liked the 7th gen civic coupes alot more so when I went to get an insurance quote every company is telling me its about $400 a month even on my dads insurance. Because I'm a second driver in the house I become the primary driver on the civic by default and I don't have a choice. The insurance company says that the si is a sports car for them and apparently has a high chance for teens to get wrecked in. The 7th gen that I'm talking about was an 02 civic si veloz and I was told a non si 03 civic coupe would still be in the late 300's /month for me. I'd be okay with 200's/month if possible. So now I'm thinking of going to Hondas luxury side. I did want a fully loaded civic which I guess isn't possible because they didnt come with leather seats so I thought I'd go team Acura late 90's/2000 1.6 el the car would be a fully loaded sedan, manual transmission, sohc engine (not exactly built for speed) it would also have an alarm system that the civic didn't. I don't think there are as many teen ricers in acuras since the aftermarket is limited for some things as not everything is swappable with civic parts. so for a new driver would it be any difference to go from a 2 door si to a 4 dour sedan with a base motor? the only thing is that the insurance would probably classify it as a luxury vehicle and say its expensive to repair and what not. your thoughts?""

How will adding 40 million more people to the Health Insurance rolls improve Health Care?

But don't be misled. We know the status quo is unsustainable. If we do nothing, millions more Americans will be denied insurance because of pre-existing conditions, or see their coverage suddenly dropped if they become seriously ill. Out-of-pocket expenses will continue to soar, and more and more families and businesses will be forced to deal with health insurance costs they cant afford. David Axelrod Senior Advisor to the President Why suddenly focus on the insurance industry? If, as Axelrod says, the status quo is unsustainable .. How will adding 40 million more to the insurance rolls suddenly make it sustainable ? . How will adding to the costs of Insurance Companies decrease their costs? . How will doing nothing , and thereby sustaining the huge profits of the drug industry and the medical industry, reduce medical care costs to the average American?""

Is it covered under insurance?

i want to change my old cavities to the white cavities to match my teeth. i hate to open my mouth in front of people because i have so many cavities. the thing is, is it covered under insurance and is it expensive?""

What is the best individual insurance for a pregnant woman?

I just found out i am 5 weeks pregnant and dont currently have insurance. My husbands works and his employer offers insurance for the family for $850.00/mo, which is completely ridiculous and not affordable for us right now. I stay at home with my daughter in Missouri, but we are having a hard time getting medicaid. Any advice. Thanks...""

My car got stolen and i have full cover insurance on it will they give me money for it?

My car got stolen and they find the car and all that was left was the shell of the car. I also have GAP insurance I want to know will the pay off my car and give me money to buy another car.

I am looking for an expert in Insurance Car...Home...Commercial.?

I am looking for an expert in insurance,who can guide me with car insurance and Home and Commercial. Please Working for DCAP Insurance...................""

Auto insurance involuntarily cancelled?

I got a new auto insurance begining June. And I had an hail damage and hit and run case towards the end of June. On July 30 there was an accident, other person involved was at fault as he rear-ended my car. I reported all these occurances. I get a involuntary cancellation of the auto insurance policy after a couple of days. They sent me this notice and also made me aware of the right to dispute this with the State commisoner for Insurance. Now, when I go shopping for new insurance, I get an increased premium quote. None of the reported claims are my fault and I do not know if I have to dispute this case with the commisioner for insurance or not and not sure how much money I have to spend towards it. Please advice what to do in this situation, thank you in advance.""

Is it illegal to apply for car insurance at a different address?

My cousin has only just passed his driving test and is struggling to get insurance due to the area that he lives in. (I'm not sure whether he CAN'T get it or it's just really expensive) Anyway, he wants to know whether he can register it in his name but at my address as the area that I live in is a lot cheaper. I told him I'm sure this could be classed as fraud but he said it's not. Could anybody shed any light on this? Which one of us is right?""

Young motorcylist trying to get car? Stupid insurance?

I want to swap my motorcycle for a car, as I need to drive to university one day a week and I want a car for the motorway (Safer during gusts & ICE). But..... the stupid insurance companies take no notice that I've been driving for two years, and want to charge me 3500!!!!! For an 800cc CAR!!! WTF?! For a 600cc bike, it'll cost me 450! Let's compare: 600cc BIKE (0-60 in 2.5 seconds, tops out at 130mph, worth 2000) 800cc CAR (0-60 in 17 seconds, tops out at 82mph, worth 850) Which one do YOU reckon should be cheaper?!!!!?? So, how do I get an insurer to actually realise that I've been on the road for two years, have a full motorcycle license, and that my insurance shouldn't be so STUPIDLY, RIDDICULOUSLY expensive?! Without fronting on my dad's policy :P BTW, adding parents as a named driver only reduces it by 300...""

How do insurance companies handle cars rolling into others?

I was changing the oil in my truck with my boyfriend and all of a sudden my truck just started to roll down the driveway and rolled right into his car. I know im am totally responsible for it but i want use my insurance but i don't want my rates to go up. So i was wondering how insurance companies handle this situation i have Mercury.

Cheap car insurance with DUI?

I'm really struggling to pay rent along with everything else, and now I have to pay car insurance or else my registration will be suspended. I can barely afford to buy food with my part time job and school. Is there a really cheap car insurance company that accept DUIs? I don't have bad credit and have ALWAYS paid my bills, I just need something relatively cheap or else I have no idea how I am going to stay under a roof with food. I live in northern California if that matters. I'm 24 and got my DUI 3 years ago. I had actually got stopped because of my light.""

Motorbike insurance for a 17 year old?

hey so i was wandering i havent got a full liscence uet but am planning on doing it soon and was just wandering how much insurance would be for a Kawasaki ninja 250R i no there are other factors but just on average for someone of my age or if my dad who has a full bike liscence for a long time was to insure it and have me as named rider?

""How Much would Car Insurance cost for a 2002 or 2003 Subaru WRX, not the Sti. Anyone know? Thanks! =]?""

How Much would Car Insurance cost for a 2002 or 2003 Subaru WRX, not the Sti. Anyone know? Thanks! =]?""

""If minors can't sign contracts, why can they get their own car insurance?""

If minors can't legally sign contracts, then why can we get our own insurance policies? The policies are way higher in price, but in Virginia, where I live, you can legally have your own insurance policy and insurance, separate from your parents. They don't have to sign anything, they don't even have to know that you have the policy. Statefarm, Progressive, Allstate, all of them do it.""

Can i drive with just insurance?

is it ok for me to drive with just insurance on my car for a certain amount of time?

Insurance company policy?

I was hit in a wreck. They're insurance company quoted me $400 and wrote me a check for it which I did not accept. All they did was look at the external damages. Then I took it to a dealer collision center and they quoted me $1100 and they guessed more damage was done but couldn't say unless they took apart my bumper. I'm not wanting to get it fixed in a shop since my father can fix it for me, but $400 is not going to cover the cost of fixing it. so my question is... Does their insurance company have to give me the money quoted by other body shops or is my only option having it fixed in a shop?""

Cheapest car insurance in uk?

Cheapest car insurance in uk?

I am 18 and i got disqualified for 3 months and i was wondering if anyone knows cheap car insurance for me?

ive tried things like confused and the comparing sites but i didn't know if anyone knew of smaller or more independent companies which are good at these types of quotes.

How to get your Life insuance license in California?

So people told me to take online courses to get pre-license, and then I have to take an exam outside in order to get my license for health and life insurance. That sounds like a long time and very expensive. Can I buy a book to study on my own, then go straight to take the exam outside? Or getting pre-licensed is required before I can take the actual exam.""

Average cost of auto insurance for a 17 year old male in Washington?

Average cost of auto insurance for a 17 year old male in Washington?

Cheap car insurance?

Cheap car insurance?

Health Insurance Cost - Private option or School option?

For those of you who have experience about buying health insurance, what is the average annual cost? And usually, what is the minimum cost for basic health coverage, vision and dental coverage? (Particularly in the U.S.) Should I buy health insurance from a private company or from my university? Thanks a lot for your time.""

Is Geico a good insurance company?

Is Geico a good insurance company?

Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

Winchester Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 66097

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/sharon-springs-new-york-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-janet-collins/"

[csadler58-blog]

Ups and Downs

I have always been one to react to traumatic situations differently. I have a tendency to act fine in the beginning and then all the sudden days, weeks, even months later, I break down and it’s never pretty. For the first 6 months-1 year of having diabetes, I did AWESOME! Always checked my sugars, (4 times a day) ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and all my snacks at the same time every day, and always counted and measured EVERYTHING. My mom was more than I could have ever asked for in a parent. She got up early every morning before work and school and made me breakfast. Measured my cereal, milk, juice, fruit, all of it. She packed my lunches, and always cooked my dinners in the same manner. I learned from the beginning to do my own shots. (My mom was terrified of needles, she even took a class for new diabetic parents where they had to check their sugars and take saline shots for I think it was a week, and she would start sweating and shaking every time. 😂) So not only was I taking on the responsibility of the disease in itself, but I was always in charge of giving my own meds. In retrospect, it was a lot to take on at such a young age, and I should have let more people help me, but I was super stubborn lol. It’s a blessing and a curse! So anyway, about a year passes and I officially got into middle school. (I was in 6th grade when I was diagnosed and turned 12 the next January after the hospital stay.) With the stresses of middle school, sports, hormones, and also the fact that I was getting a new sibling, (yay!!!) I lost it. I started getting very angry and depressed, although at the time I didn’t know what was going on. One day at school, I just completely lost my marbles and drew a line on my wrist with red marker and said when I got home, that was what I was going to do. That was the beginning of my mental illness. I spent about a week in OSU Harding Hospital, which to most would be called the looney bin. 😂 I was diagnosed with major depression, ADD, and borderline personality disorder, which was later just dropped to major depressive disorder over the years. I later developed a hair pulling anxiety disorder called trichotellamania and it caused me a lot of problems in high school because at a certain time I had no hair on the top of my head and I had also pulled out all my eyelashes on the top and bottom and my eyebrows as well. I wore scarves to cover my head and even had to get special permission from the principal because student weren’t aloud to wear anything on their heads unless it was for religious purposes. (This mostly pertained to Muslim and Arab girls who wore the scarves around their faces and heads to cover their hair.) It was a really hard time in my life and I was put on a lot of different medications. Depokote for mood swings, Prozac for the depression, Anafranil for anxiety and Concerta for concentration. After a year I was taken off Prozac and was put on Zoloft, which is the only one of these meds I still take now.

That was the first of 3 different hospitalizations at Harding Hospital. It was around that first hospitalization that I really started to neglect my sugars. I also ended up being diagnosed with hypertension at age 14 and was put on Lisinopril. It was like pulling teeth getting me to check my sugars, to take my insulin and also to take my pills. One thing I remember vividly from my childhood was my moms voice screaming, “TAKE YOUR PILLS!!!” 😂 I would even make up sugars and just write them down in my log book right before my appts with Doctor Sotos so I wouldn’t get yelled at. 😳🙄 When my a1c blood work would come back, they would know I was lying. This would eventually cause Doctor Sotos to drop me as his patient when I was 18 for noncompliance. It would later be one of the biggest regrets of my life losing him as an endocrinologist, as I never again found one I liked as well as him. The more I was asked to take care of myself, the more I wouldn’t. This behavior put me in the regular hospital, OFTEN. In middle and high school, it wasn’t so bad up until 11-12th grade. But all throughout school, I used my diabetes as an excuse to get away with EVERYTHING. Always getting out of class, used it to borrow money from people all the time to get snacks I didn’t need to have, to get out of marching when I was in band.. you name it, I did it. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. My mom was very strict with me but her and I had a very tumultuous relationship when I was teenager. Whatever she asked or told me to do, I did the exact opposite just to spite her. We fought constantly and every single day I regret all the things I’ve put her through. I was very mean, and hateful to EVERYONE except the people that didn’t matter. It was an awful time for me. When I was 18 I quit school and also quit my meds including my insulin on most days. I do believe that was the year I was hospitalized every single month of the year with diabetic ketoacidosis. Ketoacidosis is something that people with diabetes get when they have long term bouts of high blood sugars. It causes flu like symptoms which include fevers, dehydration, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. (TMI I KNOW, but necessary and important in the story. Deal with it 😂) When I was 19, that’s when I started drinking pretty heavily. I also ended up pregnant with my son Aden that year. I was a high risk pregnancy both because of my diabetes and because of my hypertension, so I should have been going to a specialized doctor every two weeks. I NEVER went to the doctor. I had a lot of complications, including bleeding, I also caught pneumonia and my sugars continued to be all over the place. Everyone in my family was getting fed up.

At 20 years old, I was 5 months pregnant and still completely in denial that I needed to grow up. My mom and I had a huge fight (I don’t remember what it was over) and she gave me an ultimatum. She said I needed to either get a job and start taking care of myself for me and my child, or I needed to leave. I was so hard headed, that I told her I would rather live in a shelter than listen to anything she said to me- so that’s exactly what I did. I only ended up there for about a week, maybe 10 days, and then I got a bus pass and road to my moms work, and BEGGED her to take me back in. I swore I would change and that I would do the right thing. Little did I know, the damage had been done. I never got a job, although I filled an application or two out on occasion to keep my family off my back. On May 7, 2008 I went into labor with my son, and it was the worst experience of my life, even worse than being on dialysis or having to get a transplant. I have expressed my sorrow before to others and on social media, and I know for a long time people didn’t believe I was truly pregnant or had a child because of how secretive I was about the whole thing. There were reasons for that in which I will not elaborate on, but it was real, and the pain I felt, the tears I shed and the loss I experienced were not imagined or made up. I was in ketoacidosis when I got to the hospital, and so when I went into ICU and I had been stabilized, and taken to the maternity floor, they couldn’t find a heartbeat for the baby. When I saw the still, silent screen and they told me the reality I never imagined I’d have to face, I had never and probably will never feel that type of emptiness again. My heart sank to my feet, and I just sat there with tears streaming down my still, emotionless face. The image of that screen will forever be burned into my brain. On May 8, I delivered my stillborn son, Aden Bryce Sadler. I held him in my arms for quite some time after all was said and done. I have never talked about the things I said to my son that day or what I am going to describe next TO ANYONE, but I feel it’s time. Part of the reason I’m doing this blog is because I need to get everything out and forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. Everything I’ve done, wrong and right has brought me to where I am and no matter which angle you look from, I’m blessed to be alive and considering my situation, things could be a lot worse. DO NOT CONTINUE READING THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU ARE EASILY EMOTIONAL, AS I CRIED WRITING THIS.. They wrapped him in a little blue and white stripped blanket, with a blue hat. I remember the color of his poor lifeless face and the hat were almost the same. He had my lips and the shape of my eyes, with long eyelashes just like mine. Dark hair that poked out of the sides of his hat, but only wavy, not ringlets like I had when I was born. He had his fathers nose, and big ol’ head, haha. I had never seen a creature so beautiful and I’d never felt so much love and so much sadness at the same time. I couldn’t tell you how many times I kissed him and rocked him close to my body, as I knew it would be the first and last time I ever would. All I could say in that moment where time stood still was this, “I’m so sorry, I love you so much. I’m so so sorry.” I just kept repeating it over and over again. The nurse came in and told me it was time. It felt like it had only been a moment and she practically had to pry him from me. I cried until I had no more tears, so long and hard that I dry heaved a few times. The worst part about it, was that I was completely alone. I was completely alone and the reason was because I pushed everyone away and locked them all out. For the first time I realized how wrong I had been, but I had too much pride to admit it. I went on for the next two months like nothing was wrong, until I got sick, and this time a simple hospital stay wouldn’t cut it. This was the first time I hit rock bottom.

[vampyrechick]

My Mental Health Story

*****WARNING: This post contains self harm and suicide attempts and ideation*****

When I finally accepted my diagnosis of bipolar II, it sounds cheesy, but my whole life made sense. Me as a little girl isolating, being paranoid, getting fixated on things, moods changing quick, the self harm. The self harm... first it was digging my long fingernails into the back of my hands till it bled, banging my head against the wall, pulling out my hair. Later as i grew up, the self harm turned into punching large bruises into my legs, raking my nails down my forehead, and eventually cutting my wrists. It was punishment. Punishment for being me.

I was picked on all through school- too fat, too skinny, fake boobs, etc. None of which was true. I was right in my BMI and there was nothing in my bras but my boobs. I got made fun of for having freckles and moles and I even got picked on for needing a rolling backpack when I broke my clavicle and was unable to lift heavy things.

I started college and started dating my now husband. I’d had a few huge panic attacks here and there, but never really knew what they were. He knew something was wrong with me, but didn’t quite know what. He had a suspicion on bipolar and after working with a bipolar person, so did my dad.

I’d been working at a well known lingerie store for 7 years when my boyfriend and I got married, had a kid, and bought a house with my brother. Having a baby was hard especially not knowing she was lactose intolerant so my moods were everywhere. We fixed up the house for a year and finally moved in in late 2013. I’d been getting mentally abused at that store the whole time- getting passed up for promotions, blamed for things getting stolen, yelled at, etc. It was time for a new job and more money. My brother was out a job for a while, so we needed to pay for the house somehow. I got a job at a well known insurance company. I didn’t know it, but I’d been having panic attacks all through 6 months of training. It felt like I was being crushed and I couldn’t breathe and I’d been throwing up every morning while getting ready. At the age of 4, my daughter even came in to comfort me while I was nauseous and said I’d be ok and just needed food and brought me a bucket to throw up in. Being on the phones was the worst for me. I did get my promotion and moved out of training though. I was there almost a whole year and almost to my next promotion and I had the biggest panic attack I’d ever had. It was the start of my shift and I couldn’t get on the phone. All those mornings of throwing up in the shower getting ready for this job blew up into this huge 2 hour long panic attack. My friend had to talk to managers over the phone after trying to calm me down, I had to talk to the nurse, my brother and husband had to come pick up me and my car. That was the last day in the office for me. HR was horrible. The lady I got didn’t care about mental heath and constantly needed dr notes. I eventually had to quit. A lot of people quit that job because of the stress.

I had been going to the dr while at the insurance job trying to find out why I was throwing up every morning and why I couldn’t breathe. I got checked for gall stone, ulcers, crohns, everything. Ultra sounds, endoscopy, colonoscopy, etc. My dr finally told me it was mental. I refused to believe it, but I went up a floor to psych anyway. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was put on so many different combinations and saw so many different doctors and none were working. After I quit, I of course lost health insurance and had to go through the state. Again many different pills, but less often as the dr wanted to slowly try combos. My husband somewhere in there lost his job, my brother got one, and then my husband found one making road signs. I got insurance again.

My friends mom got me a job filing paperwork at a well known car dealership. I did well filing, but I started having to greet customers in service and move cars into the smallest of parking spots. I started fixating on things, arguing with my boss, and getting lonely in the back room. I even tried to open a vein in my wrist in the bathroom at work with a wire hanger. I got really depressed in the back and the anxiety while moving cars was great. I crashed 1,2,3 cars and I was out. I was put on a 3 day suspension (which afterward turned into being fired). That day I went home and took over a full bottle of prescribed medication. I wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to exist. Just sleep forever. I was tired. Tired of my brain and stress and not knowing how to fix what i was going through. Just so tired. I text my husband to pick up our daughter from school and said goodbye. He called 911 and they came in and walked me downstairs, strapped me to the bed in the ambulance and took me to the nearest hospital in late September 2017.

They didn’t have to pump my stomach, but I did end up having a seizure. My husband, mom, and dad all came to see me and my aunt and uncle watched my daughter after school. I got put on a 5150 which is a 3 day hold in the psych ward of the hospital. I begged to be let out for the first two days. I was diagnosed bipolar II and placed on a handful of medication to take while there. I eventually gave in and participated so I could go home. The meds they gave me made me hungrier. I got out in 3 days time and still had to take those meds. and 3 months later on those meds I was 60 lbs heavier. I looked and looked for someone to help me lose the weight. Eventually I found a psych at the health insurance place that changed my medication, but after a little, they weren’t cutting it. I’ve changed meds and doses a bit. I kept asking my psych and my regular dr and my therapist for a way to help me lose weight. Nothing. I got into a bipolar group after taking IOP. A handful of them had to get surgery to lose the weight they gained on bipolar meds.

May 2019 I had an episode and landed back in the hospital under 5150 this time just for ideation. I begged again the first 2 days to be let out. My husband came every night to visit and my parents at least once since my dad works out of town. I participated when I could and got out in 3 days. I went into IOP again for 12 weeks. Then last 2 weeks of October come and I’m back in the ideation stage. I need the hospital, but the insurance policy changed and I don’t know if it’s covered. I go like that until mid November. I get put on new medications and have to cold turkey off one drug and slowly go on one and whatnot. In the beginning I can’t tell what’s real and what is a dream. For a week I live like that. Then I have a day or two of being ok, and switch to being angry. Cold turkeying that drug made me lose touch with reality for a whole week then adding that new drug made me angry. I had to stop one of the new drugs (the one that made me angry).

I’ve had trouble sleeping off and on my whole life probably due to episodes. It got worse when my grandma on my dads side passed away and lately seem to have trouble often even on meds to help.

My resting heart rate is always above 100. Often around 120 and has gotten as high as 153 (resting).

On the combo I’m on now I’ve thought about giving myself a labottomy when I used to want to drill open my head and try to fix whatever is wrong with me.

April 2020 and I haven’t had a job since about July of 2018. Before COVID-19, I was getting panic attacks every day having to take my daughter to school. In fact she missed the day school closed (March 16,2020). The panic was bad and I couldn’t get myself to drive. I’ve been fighting to get on social security disability and I have a lawyer. I had a hearing in January 2020, but needed a court ordered psych appt. The appt was scheduled for late March and was canceled because of COVID-19. Since we are a 1 income family in San Diego, it’s hard to afford our house.

I’ve had meds make me talk slow, think slow, fall fast asleep at work, hungry 24/7, thirsty 24/7, have to tinkle every 45 mins, make me tense all my muscles 24/7 for weeks. I’ve had them effect my memory. Even my memory of what everyday words are.

May 2020 I’m so stressed about everything that I’m getting massive heartburn again. I don’t know what medication to help aleviate it because lithium reacts with everything.

July 2020 stress got to me. The stress of possibly not being able to stay in my house, the stress of my backyard being so full of weeds that my husky had to get fully shaved and get over 300 foxtails pulled from his skin (and of course the bill that came with it), the stress of my husband having a kidney stone in each kidney, the stress of my husbands car not having ac and his drive to and from work is 1 hour each way (and of course not being able to afford to fix it), the stress of my car leaking oil (and again not being able to afford fixing it), and I’m sure there is more. I went out with my parents and they asked me to be friends with someone who stopped being my friend because of my disorder in order to make my brother happy. That hurt. I texted them and wanted them to know how that made me feel especially while I’m dealing with all this other stuff and got some crappy replies. I then realized that I was being stigmatized by family and they weren’t the only ones and I lost it. I got put on another 5150 July 1st. I felt like I had lost a huge part of my support team. I wanted to stab myself in the throat and make a special note to my dad as to why he, my mom, and my brother made me kill myself. While in the hospital I realized that my husband and his father (when he is able to visit) are sympathetic to what I am going through and my husband does everything he can to make things easier on me. I am very lucky to have him. Later in July I had another instance where I couldn’t tell what was real and what was not. I hope that isn’t a regular thing again.

July still and I found out my brother had invited my bipolar best friend over for a bbq and made advances and was shut down. He text her dirty texts and she told me she still shut him down and I was upset because never once did anyone in my family reach out to see if I was ok after getting out of the hospital, but my brother would text my friend he’s hung out with less than 5 times? So I message him and he gets defensive and I decide to cut him from my life. I’m upset the couple days after and my husband tells me my daughter is showing more signs of bipolar (she’s 10 and there’s a 10% chance of passing it down). I get more upset and miscommunication leads to my husband calling my parents who I am still mad at for stigmatizing me. The first thing my dad does when he gets here? Tries to fix the door handle to the bathroom because my mom couldn’t open the door when there was another one she could have used instead of check on me like my husband had asked. Things get heated and I tell them they were the reason I was hospitalized on July 1st and they then said they were calling the police. More things were said about how upset and how they don’t even try to learn or read a book to learn and they said “no book can teach me about bipolar.” And I said the whole family stigmatizes me by not saying anything when I say I can babysit and my dad said “well no wonder they think they are a danger to their kids look at you!” I told them to get out and my mom had to be forced out due to refusing to leave without my child. She then called my daughters phone and tried to talk her into walking outside to them so they could take her from me. A therapist called and deemed me ok to not go to the hospital and wait until my regular appointment (in a few minutes from then). My regular therapist then called and talked to me and came to the same conclusion as the therapist before her. My husband came home to my parents on the porch. My father then told him that I was in rage and that it was just a seizure. I was not. I am hurt and sad and upset and misunderstood. I don’t understand why people don’t get that mental illness is a real thing. Why can’t you learn about bipolar from a book? How do doctors learn? You learn how it works and what the symptoms are and then you learn the specifics of the person you love. How is that a difficult concept?

I have been having seizures at night now though. Multiple a night. Just small few second ones. Haven’t been able to sleep for a few nights unless I get so tired I pass out.

As a kid I’ve never felt like I fit in with my family and it transferred into adulthood even before I found out I was bipolar. I didn’t feel happy when I felt I should have been. I felt left out from the girls group because I didn’t like the same things they did, but I didn’t fit into the boys group either. Then adulthood. I was the first out of all the cousins to have a child and get married and buy a house, but I’m not the oldest. I just never fit. I see how the oldest and second youngest (of the girl group) go out to bingo together and of course the oldest and youngest are sisters so they are close, but me? I had 2 brothers. Where did I fit? They hung with the boy cousins. I didn’t have anything in common with either group. Again adulthood I still don’t fit because I don’t have a job and my kid is over 5 years older than the age of the babies everyone else just had. Now we add bipolar to the group and no one else has a mental disorder. None diagnosed at least.

More about my childhood, but first I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Insomnia due to stress, seizures which I’ve never had before (due to stress), and things I should have grown out of (thanks genetics... due to stress). I’ve never been happy with myself because of it and I’ve always had trouble sleeping. Most of my sleeping issues came after my grandma died. All I could think about was death. Burning alive in a house fire, drowning, being creamated alive, being buried alive, etc. I got more depressed.

Growing up at family functions I would ask to “play in the car” which meant sit and wait to go home. Now looking back I know I was sad and overwhelmed with the loud noises and not fitting in. I’d throw up every Easter. I was told it was because I ate to much candy. Now I see it was anxiety. Anxiety to find all my eggs because my family is competitive. Anxiety because my family is loud. Anxiety because I didn’t fit in.

I didn’t fit in at school either. I said earlier I was always made fun of. I forgot about how the kids would always dare different boys to ask me out and then laugh about it. My husband has learned not to tell me I’m pretty or beautiful because it makes me cry. I don’t believe him. I don’t believe any compliments ever and never have. They upset me. I’ve taken lipstick or eyeliner and written “fat, ugly, useless” ect on my mirror. I gave up on wearing make up because to me, it’s not to make you look pretty, it’s to enhance your beauty and i don’t feel I have any. First it was my cystic acne and now it’s my weight. I’ll never be how I want to look again because doctors don’t care. I was literally told “would you rather be alive and fat or dead?” I want to be happy. What’s the point of a life if you aren’t happy?

Growing up I didn’t feel like I got much attention. I tried to come up with ways to break a bone at school 1-5 grade. Lotion on my hands then go on the monkey bars, play the tougher games like red rover where people did try to break your arms while running over, ect. Nothing worked.

It’s been a hell of a ride. Paranoia, obsession, fixation, anger, hypomania, depression. It’s hard. It’s really hard to live this way. I finally got someone to help me with my weight loss early April 2020 after getting to be 110lbs over what I was. I still struggle with mood swings because obviously there is no cure and I can’t remember things and often forget what everyday things are called. Some times I feel like I am putting on a face for others. Like a “happy face”, so they don’t have to ask “what’s wrong”. I do know (when I’m in my wise mind) that I have help and a small amount of people who love me who will be there for me when I need it.

It’s August now and my parents are lying to my husband about what happened just like they lied about why they asked me to be friends with someone for my brothers sake. First it was because the wedding. I pointed out they asked it was after they broke up. They stated it was just to be in the same room. I stated no that’s what was said after I told them why she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Why am I wrong? Why lie? Why not admit it?! You fucked up! Just because my brain doesn’t produce chemicals to make me happy doesn’t mean it makes me stupid. “We called our granddaughter to come outside to the porch.” Ok. Then what? You were under the impression someone was going to take me away which in turn means you thought you would get my daughter. That’s stealing. I didn’t want her outside and you knew that.

Still beginning of August. I guess July was too rough with me not sleeping that since August came along and I fall asleep all the time and I can’t wake up. You’d think sleep would be a good thing, but the sleep I get is nothing but nightmares that I can’t wake up from. I went to the doctor the other day and found out that a small lump I’ve had on my shoulder since 4th grade is a cyst brought on by stress. I also have psoriasis... brought on by stress. I have been shaking a lot lately due to anxiety and money problems keep getting worse. My stomach won’t stop hurting.

Wow it’s the first Saturday in August. How much has happened. That girl my parents asked if I would be friend with for my brother btw is married. I had asked my friend of like 25 years when the incident happened if she would take her off things like Instagram and Facebook and stuff and she had a fit, but half took her off Instagram. You know where you unfollow them but they still follow you? So yea I was still mad but she claimed she didn’t know how to not have her on Instagram. You know that “block” button. Yea I guess that doesn’t exist. So recently after my parents thing I see she adds the new Facebook page (I blocked one so this is a new one) and I lose me shit). She text me asking me how I am doing and I not word for word say “don’t ask how I am if you don’t give a shit. I see you added that bitch recently and I don’t know if you’ve done reading or not on mental health, but triggers are things that set back forward progress. I don’t get why I fight for you to be in my life when you don’t fight for me to be in yours. Don’t text me again” and I blocked her. She then had her daughter (who’s always grounded from her phone) bombard my daughters phone with “can my brother and I sleep over? Auntie has to answer my moms texts though” like what the fuck?! She’s always been a “user.” And when I say “user” I mean “drive me here and I’ll ignore you the whole concert” “give me money and I’ll say I’ll pay you back and never actually will” “ watch my kids every weekend for like 2 months and I’ll never return the favor.” Shit like that. I’m out. Done. To quote my favorite movie in a time of pain this Katelynn “chick must have beer flavored nipples.”

August is the month that just keeps giving. I am non stop nauseous. I threw up the other day and it caused me to have a nose bleed. Mental health drug withdrawals are no joke. Hopefully I’m on a good mix again for another year or whatever. Once the withdrawals stop, I need to stop the stress and anxiety. My husband says my dad is trying to make an effort to learn now, but I don’t know if it’s too late. He and my mom have already triggered me many times by asking me to be friends with that girl who didn’t want to be my friend because my illness to make my brother happy. My dad also told me I’m a danger to children when I’ve only ever hurt myself whereas his oldest has gotten expelled from high school for fighting and has a track record for punching holes in walls and hitting cabinet doors off hinges, but because I have a label, I’m dangerous. There’s just some things you just can’t take back.

I don’t know if I’ve already stated, but I forget what things are called and the stress to get my thoughts and what I’m trying to say out is huge because I don’t want to hear “what?” “I missed that” “I didn’t hear what you said.” It’s cause I didn’t get to finish! I stopped to figure out what the word was now I forgot the whole sentence! Colored pencils are colored sticks. Elote is elbow. Ice is grass. Posture is prosper. I HATE this! I come up with ANY word that will come out to avoid a pause so I can avoid “what?” I truely cannot remember the word either until someone tells me.

It’s the end of August and my parents and I are slowly starting to talk. First about small things like video games, but yesterday I called my mom and told her I was sorry for how I expressed my feeling. I said I never should have acted out in anger and should have come to them calmly (though now thinking about it, I did and it didn’t work, but what’s done is done). My dad is reading the book and really taking it in. The book being from a bipolar persons perspective is nice for him. My mom is also doing internet research. My brother has been asking how I have been doing which is nice though I still don’t know how I feel about him and how he treated my friend. My oldest brother has been silent. We��ve never been close. It hurts, but he’s got two little girls to deal with I guess. I would have been asking about him, but oh well I’ll take what I get. I’ve did the distance thing I realized because I was afraid of losing them again. Afraid the anger and fighting would come back and it would just be a never ending cycle. I hope this book opens eyes. On other notes, I’ve upgraded to nocturnal panic disorder. I’ve been waking up in a panic from sleep. Still having nightmares, but the times I don’t, PANIC!

My parents and I are doing better since my dad is reading the book. I appologized for how I said things in anger to both of them because it wasn’t fair to them for my to have done that even if I did try calmly. I should have kept trying. My dad said the book is really eye opening and he didn’t need the apology, but appreciated it. He said reading it made him realize I couldn’t help it. I can’t explain right now what he meant, but it’s just like loss of control (I posted the book in another post). I text my brother to tell him I love him because I do and I understand why he would ask my friend out, but I’m still upset because I know I was a rebound and he didn’t have good thoughts. I know he knows it was a mistake and in time we will be ok. On another note, I found out why I was having nocturnal panic attacks. I stopped my sleeping pills that is also for anxiety. I started a medication that I haven’t been on for a little and I took my on the spot anxiety med the other day and i had a few psychotic breaks again (a few in one day). So now I won’t take my on the spots anymore.

My primary care doctor has put me on a medication to help with weight loss in addition to the others I am on. Its also supposed to help with full body pain and swelling which I have. In just three days I have already noticed reduced swelling and pain. Dieting is still hard, but less hard. I am couting calories safely to lose 1 pound a week and eating at least 80 grams of protein. Thats it. Thats my diet I am following. Nothing special or fancy or hard to do. Simple.

Took almost 2 years on the dot, but I finally got on SSDI as of early Sept. and early Oct. I got my award letter. I didnt fully win my case (only 16 months out of 2 years, but I will take it). Also, I don’t get paid for the first 5 months of that 16 months which I don’t fully understand, plus I have to pay the lawyers, but still, I won. We also got a notice saying that since I have a child, I can apply to get money to pay for her as well. That was easy to apply for and only takes a month to hear back for, so I should hear back early Nov.

;

[babyhearteyes-blog]

first fertility appt

After spending my entire morning as a ball of nerves and anxiety, my husband and I went to our first fertility appt. It was MUCH less stressful than I had anticipated. But I have anxiety so pretty much everything in life is less stressful than I actually think it’ll be. Anyways, we had a mini consultation with my doctor, but I had filled out the preconsultation paper work SO thoroughly that she was basically like “yea you seem like a pro on this stuff, no need to lecture you about stuff you already know.” haha thanks google.

Then I had a transvaginal ultrasound. Once again, not as bad (or even bad) as I had thought it’d be. She looked at my uterus shape, my ovaries, and counted eggs. She said my uterus was “pretty”. Girl, don’t make me blush. She could tell that I had just ovulated from my right side, which I already knew. According to her everything looked good. Yay?

And then the blood test. Look. I know that with fertility testing and especially pregnancy there is A LOT of blood testing, but I HATE needles. Like the thought of pushing a baby out of me doesn’t scare me. The thought of a tiny ass needle in my vein does. I’m weird and irrational, I know this. However, the girl who took my blood was amazing. Three viles and I barely felt a thing. Whew. And that was it. Went over some insurance stuff and was told to make an appointment for an HSG as soon as my period started. Yay something else to stress over. But overall it was a good experience, I like my doctors, and I’m actually excited to keep going to find out the cause of everything. Let’s do this. 

[assholemurphy]

so, i’m dying.

lol, not rly. except, yeah, kinda.

my gallbladder has finally fucked itself into a coma and only wakes up to force me to projectile vomit myself into oblivion whenever i consume solids. and on occasions, liquids, if it’s rly cranky. that’s my life now.

i have managed to eat 2 hot pockets, some chips, abt 8 jalepeno poppers, and three eggrolls (and keep them down) in the past 2 weeks. all that i’ve been able to keep down has happened in the past 24hrs. i’m not sure how i managed it, tbh, but it wasn’t without a fight. other than that, i have not digested anything but liquids in the past 2 weeks. i cannot think straight, i can barely form words in my head, let alone say them out loud. this is not fun and i don’t like it. it was one thing to choose not to eat (tho, rly, with an ed, it wasn’t exactly a choice, ya feel?) and to choose to purge, but now that i have no choice at all, i’m so fucking pissed off. like, part of me is happy bc i’ve lost 5lbs already, even with being bloated from constant puking, but like, more of me just wants to survive so i can work on my goddamn finals. which are all due this week. and none of them are done. (except the one that was due last week, managed to do that one, luckily).

pretty boy took me to the er on sun night bc i can’t keep anything down and it’s only gotten worse since they released me. we got there right as the docs were changing shifts, so the first doc was rly narcissistic and full of himself and the second he heard me say ‘i’ve got atypical anorexia b/p subtype’ he was like, ‘ah, yes, it’s all in your head, this is your fault’ which even made pb annoyed bc he apparently can tell the difference between what’s currently going on and my (his words, not mine) ‘crash diets’. but he was p sure the doc didn’t like me bc i called my primary doc (who was supposed to get me scheduled for an ultrasound to get this taken care of almost 2 months ago but didn’t bc he didn’t believe me when i said (having opinions from 2 previous docs) i had gallbladder issues, so he ignored it) an idiot for, ya know, ignoring me when i told him something was wrong. but docs are assholes, they don’t like it when you’re right abt something they can’t see themselves. so i’m switching primary docs asap. this guy’s a fucking joke.

(it’s also been almost three weeks since the pharmacy faxed him paperwork abt the insurance company not wanting to pay for my adderall prescript bc i take 3 pills a day and they only wanna pay for 90 in 75 days (yeah, not even 2 pills a day, like this shit doesn’t work for five hours max). he still hasn’t filled it out. it’s fucking finals week and i’ve got maybe 6 pills left. how fucking grand. so that’s gotta be sorted at the same time he gets me a surgeon’s appt.)

so the guy had me pee in a cup and gave me fluids/anti nausea meds (which were nice, helped me keep down a bit of food sun night). then he basically told me ‘it’s just cyclic vomiting, you’ve just got to break the cycle’ but he was leaving so he was going to let the next guy discharge me. thank fucking god, bc otherwise, i’d probably be dead in a couple weeks.

so this next guy is eccentric af, this whole hospital is a circus, it’s fucking great (no sarcasm, i love quirky ppl). he checks out my cup of pee and orders some blood tests (that the other guy didn’t even care to do), then he comes in and talks to me and he’s fucking great, a+ doctoring, love this guy, sadly, he doesn’t have a private practice, but apparently the nurses get asked if he does all the time. how do i know? my mother asked, bc she liked him. i trusted him. i trust no docs, ever. but this one is good. he says there’s def something wrong, def not just my ed, and orders me an ultrasound for the next morning. good, great, getting this show on the road. he understands my concerns abt my primary doc and offers to explain the results of the ultrasound to my mother via phone mon night. so she calls, he tells her i’ve got ‘sludge and wall thickening’ which are Bad(tm) esp in combination with me not being able to eat anything for over a week and a half.

so, now i’ve got to talk to a surgeon and get my gallbladder removed. as i fucking figured i’d need months ago (during the summer, with my pain and stuff). now this vomiting thing has been happening at least once a semester for abt 2 years now. no one has known what is wrong. ‘it’s acid reflux, take these pills’ ‘these pills don’t work’ ‘welp, idk ^.^’ and so forth for 2. fucking. years. now i’ve got confirmation that my gallbladder is bad. like ‘could explode and kill me’ bad. this is great, i can finally get something done abt this.

except.

except it’s finals week and no only am i running v low on adderall (i just took a pill for the first time since fri morning just a few hours ago) and i’m now fatigued and unable to eat with 4 projects left to do. all of which require a fuckton of concentration. concentration i just don’t have even with the adderall bc i haven’t actually eaten much food lately and can’t fucking think at all. like, every time i eat, it comes right back up.

so, i’ve been sleeping a lot. great, right? except for ya know, all the work i’ve got? nope. i can’t sleep for longer than 4 hours without having night terrors. like BAD ones. i’d tell you abt the one i had when i slept last (from 5:30p to 8:30p) but it would require a whole host of trigger warnings just to give a summary. but it fucked me up badly. and they’ve been getting progressively worse. i dreamed my dog died. i dreamed my apartment was possessed and the demon was trying to kill me. i’ve dreamed of animal abuse and murder and even worse things that leave me fucking shaking when i wake up. but i’m so tired that i keep falling asleep anyway, no matter how scared i am. and i stay asleep, until my alarm goes off, then i shut it off and fall asleep again (into a different night terror). there is no stopping this. my body is dying and it’s telling my brain i’m in danger so my brain is trying to scare me. it’s working. i’m well aware i’m in danger but there’s nothing i can do until my mom sets up a surgeon’s appt for me. i’ve got to remind her to do that tomorrow. i’d do it myself, but i’m far to fucking out of it currently to talk to a medical professional in any capacity.

but throughout all of this, i’m falling further and further behind on my final projects. i’ve got a 10min play analysis due tomorrow at 10:30a (which i’ve got to work on tonight). then i’ve got to finish my stagecraft project (which requires that i go to the shop 3 more times so i’ve got to do that at like 11a tomorrow, then 12p thurs, then like 7p thurs, but i’ve got to find a shop employee to go with me, apparently, and i’d take goldilocks, but she obvs doesn’t want to do it, so i might ask pb or mary, if i have to). then i’ve got to do my monologue assignments for acting i (i’ve got one almost fully memorized, i just need to refresh, but i’ve got to memorize another one, read the play it’s from (i’ve got to buy the ebook), and do an analysis over it before thurs at 10:30a). then my intro to theatre final is due last, but it’s p big and i’ve got to do a lot for it. like 7pg paper plus a ‘previous action’ script (i’ve got to write up a script showing what happened before the play itself starts). i’ve got a SHITTON of work to do and only 9 hours for the sa final, then 24 hrs for the acting i final, then 26 hrs for the itt final, and somehow i’ve got to find at least 3 hours for my sc final. all while trying to get sleep and not eating anything.

plus i’ve still got to do some loan stuff with finaid this week.

i emailed my profs telling them what’s going on, but they’re not going to accept any late finals, so idk why i bothered. (i haven’t heard back bc i just emailed them like, an hour ago and it’s 1a). i CANNOT fuck up this semester bc i won’t get finaid anymore if i do and i can’t drop out. so like, i’ve got to get everything together, but i’m just so fucking sick and everything is overwhelming. i’m going to do my damnedest to get everything done, but idk if i’ll be able to. i rly don’t know.

i’m so fucking stressed over this shit, which is only making my gallbladder issues worse, so it’s a losing battle all around and i’m drowning. honestly, if i had the money, i’d pay for someone to do this for me, but i can’t and i wouldn’t anyway bc like, i’m not putting my name on anything i didn’t do myself out of some bullshit pride thing i’ve got going on. my pride’s gonna get me killed one day, i just know it.

but, tonight, i’m gonna work on my script analysis final and pray to god i can get it done in time. i’ve got like 2 hours left on my adderall, maybe 3 if i push it. i need to make a plan of attack for everything and get to work.

i’m not going to fail this semester if it fucking kills me. and it actually might.

[themakingofkai]

L&D

I wanted to record my take on the arrival of TBD Kaleem Rokadia somewhere and I figured I hadn’t told you guys yet anyways so feel free to ignore these journal like entries - my feelings won’t be hurt. Also I only get small chunks of time to myself so this will likely sound inconsistent and be written in installments.

Tuesday - I’m at lunch with another expectant mom and I get up to put on my jacket and I feel a gush. Did my water just break?! Shoot - I’m strep B positive so if my water broke, I have to go to the hospital even if I’m not in labor. Bummer, I was hoping to labor at home as long as possible since we did get the apt so close. Call my OB and they say to come into the doctors office to assess what’s happening - luckily their office is two blocks away as well. OB says it was my mucous plug which can include water like ish and that this is a sign of labor to come but no timeline. During my vitals my blood pressure is high but my adrenaline is also pumping bc this may be go time. I’m 1cm dilated and they send me home. I’m quite pleased that there is still a chance to labor at home.

Tuesday evening - I start to feel period like cramps. Likely literally at the period level of pain which it’s been 9 months so it’s hard to decipher how bad the cramps are. We walk to an open house at our pediatrician office which I had signed up for 1.5 months ago. The crampsget a little worse during the Q&A session and I imagine myself going into labor amongst a bunch of other pregnant couples and one of the pediatricians - I’m feeling like I’m in good hands.

Tuesday overnight - Ummmm...those aren’t cramps, those are contractions - funny, I didn’t expect contractions to feel the same as cramps but it is early labor so that makes sense. We start to keep track and the timings are all over the place. I can definitely tell when a contraction peaks but I can’t really tell when it ends bc it just kinda fades away. But the timings aren’t really keeping a pattern. The rule of thumb was 4-1-1 which is contractions every 4 min, each lasting 1 minute and that going on for 1 hour. This ish was like 30 sec or 14 or 45 and sometimes 2 minutes apart but sometimes 15 minutes apart. We decide to watch the newer Law & Order SVU episodes I had been waiting on to pass the time. Nothing like a child abduction to get you in the birthing mood. Around 3am we give up on keeping track and the contractions haven’t gotten so bad that I can’t sleep. I go to sleep thinking that tomorrow is going to be the day - AAKKKKK! - should I look at my vagina one last time tonight before it goes through all the crazy?!? Naw, too sleepy.

Wednesday - we have a scheduled OB appt in the afternoon so I start cleaning everywhere and make sure our bags have any last minute items. Wow - today is going to be the day isn’t it? It’s kinda weird the like know. I hadn’t known when it would be for so long and now the end felt so near and I was ready to be pregnant for another week easily. 39 weeks exactly today. Contractions are still inconsistent but in effect.

They take my vitals again at the OB and my blood pressure is high again - calm down Uzma. You getting too excited about this. I have a couple of contractions while in the waiting room and I can tell the other women are paying attention to us- anjum writing down times, my cringing and my lame attempts at breathing. The OB sees us and they do another physical exam and I’m only about 1.5cm dilated. Really? Dangit - those contractions felt more like proper early labor instead of cramps now so I thought things had progressed. I’m told I’m having prodromal labor.

Wait what - is that like false labor that could go on for days and I could not be in labor until like next week. But they want to take my blood pressure again because the heightened BP is concerning. It’s high again so our midwife advises that we go to the hospital to do some BP monitoring to ensure it isn’t something like preeclampsia. She gives us the heads up that is a chance they will admit us so take our bags and get something to eat before going as well.

Wednesday early evening - I go to Mr Falafel but can barely eat my food. The crampy false labor pains are kicking in a bit more. Two police officers in line before us are intrigued that we felt the need to stop at Mr Falafel on my way to the hospital. Probably bc I can’t stand and take a seat while anjum orders takeout. I can’t wait for the food - anjum walks me home and then goes back to pick it up. I cuddle up to endure my last few contractions at home in the comfort of my bed. Anjum gets home and tries to feed me but also tries to gather a load of dishes to get done. We head to the hospital and it isn’t too busy on the L&D floor. Triage is quick and I’m hooked up to get BP monitored immediately. Now the other things they hook up to me shows us the baby’s heart rate and for the first time, we can see when a confection is happening/coming. Woah - that’s weird. So anjum can give me a heads up when one is on it’s way and when it’s gotten over the hump of it’s peak. Ravi Patel is the doctor (resident) that sees me and he examines me. I’m only 2cm dilated. Hmm. The nurse has to draw blood but she recommends I get an IV put in in case I’m admitted. I didn’t realize I had an opinion until later but her IV installation skills were dope! And she made sure the location was somewhere it wouldn’t bother me for future possible baby holding.

Wednesday night - so the contractions keep getting stronger but I’m not dilating so they say they want to insert something called Cervidil and it could go in for up to 12 hours to help me dilate. I’m mildly worried bc they recco I don’t get an epidural before this and I was already in some pain. Also the first 2 hours of insertion I can’t get up so I’d have to use a bedpan. Did I mention this was my first time staying at a hospital in my life? And now I was adding my first bedpan experience to it as well. Good times - ugh. Overnight were the fun contractions - the ones where I cursed at the world and sometimes anjum would try to help me breathe and relax or he would just be apologizing that I had to experience this. When I was able to get up and walk, I would have contractions standing up and just lean on anjum like Weekend at Bernie’s style, all limp and lifeless. Anjums size came in handy because I would literally have him lift my body out of bed to the toilet - I was tempted to punch him at times but I held back.

Thursday morning - they took out the cervidil but I hadn’t dilated too much so potocin was going to be needed. I had clear instructions from two girlfriends to get an epidural before starting potocin bc the contractions get even more intense then. So I made the request and took on a few more intense contractions while waiting for the anesthesiologist. EPIDURAL FOR THE WIN! Such a game changer.

Thursday noon - I’m not dilating fast enough and the baby’s heart rate shoots up and plummets to unhealthy places with each contraction, my heart rate was also shooting up. They think it could be the potocin so they stop administering it hoping I’ll naturally contract and dilate.

Thursday afternoon - I can hear the midwife and doctor sitting next to me, watching the monitors and discussing options. My midwife was way against epidural and interventions during any of my doc appts so hearing her be on board for alt options feels serious. I’m half asleep but hoping I’ve dilated enough to get this party started. They check me, I’m at 7cm, and that’s not enough. At this rate it would be another hour per cm and then the stress of actually delivering could be dangerous for the baby. They talk with anjum and I about a csection and in that moment I feel emotionless. I know the birth plan goes out the window and there is a 50% chance of csection with preeclampsia but that wasn’t supposed to be us. I finally open my mouth to ask that I want to make sure anjum can be with me and the emotions roll in. I’ve never had surgery; I wasn’t ready for that; why us; what could I have done to prevent this? I had primrose oil at home and that was supposed to help with effacement - I should have used that. Anjum was calm and comforted me as I nervously agreed that continuing may be risky.

C-section the process was a lot faster than I expected and anjum was by my side. I felt movements and pressure but no pain. They wouldn’t let anjum watch bc of the risk he may pass out so he was behind a curtain with me. The anesthesiologist who was a total desi aunty was the first to call that the baby was a boy just as they were about to show us so we could find out. Thanks for that, aunty. We were told earlier that our baby would go to the NICU after birth but the pediatrician attending the csection examined him and determined he didn’t need to. What an amazing relief. I was so groggy and at times couldn’t keep my eyes open after he was born but this I could comprehend - my baby won’t be going to the NICU. Anjum got to spend time at the warmer as they examined, he ceremonially cut the cord, and watched him get cleaned up. They brought him over to me for skin to skin time after he was examined and cleaned up. I had the choice to have anjum stay with me or go with the baby and I sent him with the baby. Then I was left alone while they cleaned me up but I was still behind a curtain. I was left with my thoughts and occasionally falling asleep bc of how sleepy I felt. I remember having all sorts of vivid thoughts in that time but I can’t remember them now. I reunited with anjum and baby in the PACU recovery room. I was so out of it that I had anjum stay by the baby’s side anytime they took him to get checked up or anything. Anjum ran back over to me from the warmer where baby was being checked out by another pediatrician to ask if it was okay to give the baby a bottle. His blood sugar was a low and she recommended it. ACK! I wanted to breastfeed and the first thing he would eat was gonna be a bottle. I was in no condition to disagree with a pediatrician so I said okay. In hindsight I could have tried to have the baby latch on to me. I didn’t realize I already had colostrum until another hour or two later when one of the nurses encouraged and showed me how to have the baby latch on. So another one of those not according to plan situations but after the first bottle, his been breastfed since so perhaps that wasn’t the worst decision.

And here we are a week later and we still don’t have a name for our little untitled baby boy. We are hoping to fall asleep and wake up to some inspiration on our short list. Wish us luck!

And you now know we decided on Kai Kaleem Rokadia. Born 2:32pm on Thursday, Dec 14th. 7lbs and 19.75 in length.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i did not need his negativity yesterday nor did i have the mental strength to not be affected by it. 

he seems to have a rose colored view on his past friends who have lived even more passively than i have while doing hard drugs, drinking and having sex with so many partners that diseases are spread among them. but yet i’m told i’m just a welfare case, that i should just get over it, try harder etc. but there is never ever an admission that perhaps the troubles ive had in life directly relate to the struggles i still have now. 

“well her mother was crazy so she had to leave at 15 and take care of herself”

??? my mother was crazy and my father was sick and i had to take care of myself and him. without giving into the temptation of an easy escape through literal hallucinations. i am better than everyone who did give into the temptation. my will is stronger. sorry. that might bother him because he is a drug user. and he wans to convince me that my weed smoking is comparable to people shooting drugs. and it simply is not in any way. i am a functioning member of society in so much that i do not have a drug den, i do not have needles around, i do not have any long term physial effects of drug use im just a fucking stoner. just like people who HAVE to buy starbucks everyday. theyre just basic bitches. theyre not coffee addicts. and he trappe the conversation - all addicts say this. but i am making a choice and it would be incredibly easy for me to make other choices if i felt they were worth it in my depression. i am ADDICTED to DEPRESSION. i do not control that addiction and it is harmful to people around me and myself.

me smoking a joint is not. me smoking a joint is only beneifical to not only myself but the people around me. i am alive today right now because i smoke weed. THAT is how i am “strong”. 

it didnt matter though. i was already spiraling and wanted to go home but knew i couldnt because it was cold and almost midnight and i didnt even have proper boots and the weight of my entire life and being began crushing me. 

these are panic attacks. these are not attacks which can be seen as the typical display of it but not everyone will hyperventilate into a paper bag. my parents called it an asthma attack because i wasnt breathing right. i wasnt allowed to act out. if i acted out my mother attacked me in such severe ways that i trained myself not to react to anything. but you cant do hthis you cant just be a robot forever your emotions will operate whether you acknowlege them or not.

so it builds. and during the build up which always happens the same way my thoughts are spiraling. if someone latches on to a brief idea of the issues im battling inside, it now solidified the thought and i start to panic. it wasnt being called a drug addict. it was the fact that im constantly put on the bottom of the list for like existing human beings. no one ever goes, ‘well you had to take care of your father’. i dont get that. why? am i not blonde and cute enough? did i not suck enough dick? should i have done drugs and been more pathetic? why is it that everyone else gets a ‘well this and this happened tot hem so is understandable’. for me it’s literally well you cant focus on your past you just gotta move on. it’s not fair, it’s frustrating and when it comes from the only person even giving you any sort of love at that moment in time, it feels trapping. deal with this or have nothing. 

i cannot explain this though. it starts here and by the time i’ve freaked out so hard i cant even communicate the intricacies of these thoughts. i’m now totally overwhelmed and i want to scratch out my eyes and tear out my hair and i’m sobbing so hard i cannot breathe. 

i told him he outright had to help me because he did not listen to my warnings that what he was saying was bothering me. because i told him i didn need that negativity right now and i didn’t nee him focusing on being a  “drug addict” because i dont spend my rent money on shooting drugs. i dontand thats not part of my problem. it’s just a matter of opinion regarding marijuana. period. my opinion differs greatly and i advocate for the VERY PROVEN medical benefits of it. not just “its been shown K helps depression”. so does lsd. so did lsd. so much so that people dosed other people unknowingly to try and “help” them becuase they thought lsd “helped them” and “opened their mind”. but shold you do LSD everyday? no. i really dont think you should. can you ingest something that has minimal effects on a normally healthy person with no pre desposition to mental health issues everday? yes. cancer patients smoke weed because of its legitimate medical benefits. they should not be k-holing. thats not the appropriate way to deal with cancer. nor does it help any of the issues of cancer except moderate pain relief and slight alleviaton of mental pain if you dont put yourself into a k-hole. 

i can smoke 4 grams of weed and not die. i can smoke 4 grams of weed everyday for the next week and have no side effects except not even getting stoned anymore. i wont have to go to the hospital for “exhaustion”. i wont have spent my time at clubs or raves. i probably spent a lot of money on food. i will have no track marks or prolems with my nasal cavity and depending on how i smoke the weed, if i vape it - i may not even have lung problems. and in those days of smoking 4 grams i will STILL DO PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES and not just lay around wondering when i’ll get high again. 

so to put me with heroin users is wrong and a surprisingly antiquated view. but i cannot explain all of this and maybe he’ll still disagree but now i’m just in a position where a person who is supposd to love me is telling me im as bad as a heroin addict. i am not and that is not an excuse to not change - i can still change my habits but you have no idea what i wold be for someone like me to do that. he made an “effort” to help but he doesnt have the tools in him to actually help. he told me to think of skating because he wanted to take me skating. 

this morning as i was dropped off he asked if we were going skating. i said i guess and he said no more “i guess” i had to make a solid decision for what iiii wanted to do. and i guess i appreciate that - acknowledging that his personality is not okay for someone like me in the state i am in. i explained to him that our mutual friend came to my place and spoke to the roommate for me and was very like... it was as good as having a medical therapist come and advocate on my behalf. it wasnt like a “you shouldnt do this this is bad” it was “the person you live with suffers from very serious mental issues which affects her daily life and there are reasons as to why she is avoiding confrontation or choosing to live with things that others consider unreasonable” and it was really very good. like not only did i feel like it helped bridge a gap but that someone legitimately felt like they wanted to advocate for me. i didnt ask her to do it. i just explained this is my life and she was like no this is not okay and you need assistance to overcome this hurdle so you can continue on to the next one. i really really appreciate that. no one advocates for me. 

i also made a doctors appt next week and that kind of alleviates some of he pressure i feel about dealing. i know i can now go talk to this person. and if i need to, i have a drive really to see him more often. our mutual friend also came in and casually asked for my razors. and that is something i also appreciate. i made avery large step by freely admitting a relapse. it wasnt like omg cry for help it was this is what occurred. period no discussion because you are not the person trained to deal with such maters of the psyche however as a human being you can acknowledge a crisis and offer assistance to he best of your own abilities. if you have the ability to say ‘hey do you mind if i take your razors with me to get them out of the house’ that is perfectly fine and good and helpful. 

he does not know i relapsed. he has continually said he has no judgement on what i choose to do but does not support it and will only ever advocate for stopping outright. which is totally fair but it compounds the severity. 

hes still trying though? last night he took time to have a moment of private affection and when i tol him about the door knob lock situation he immediately said he would buy one and just let him know. he then said we would “drink sake” tomorrow and added on the skating activity and these things were nice because there is rarely time put aside for just me in the “us”. i follow what he wants to do when he wants to do. i rarely ever ask to go somewhere and when i do i may be able to go but ill have to put up with mock fighting about it. but its not terrible. its not like im dragged to bars or baseball games. he decides we will go hiking and we do. we’ll go to this random thing an hour away and look at i and we do. and i get to exprience sooooo many things i would have never otherwise experienced if i was not with him. and this is why i remain with him. no one else has ever shown me this much of the actual world beyond the bubble i was trapped in. my ex did a decent job but we rarely did anything. like any activities at all. it would be a big deal to take a walk in the woods by our house. 

i’ve gotten to canoe and climb beautiful ontario landscapes. i’ve gotten to eat food from all over the world. ive been given nothing but useful or beautiful and sentimental and meaningful gifts. i have never been given something frivolous ust for the sake of gifts. i’ve been given flowers on more than one occasion. 

it’s really hard to come up with a complaint when i still get to do these wonderful things? like how can i be upset about hiking different parks? i think i’d want to do that anyways. so it’s nice i guess to have it acknowledged this morning that i had the freedom to choose. we did not have to skate and i didnt have to do it because he offered. 

i kind of wanted to though. i think he knew also last night’s dinner with his family friends was just super awkward for me and woul be for literally anyone not related to them. it’s amazing how well they can make someone feel like an outsider while simultaneously telling them they’re “apart of the family”. that wasnt really his fault though. or maybe it s. i dont know. those people sucked and it took forever to eat and i did not even say goodbye to them because literally two sentences were said to me during the night which were, “so you do work in x city or do you commute to another?” and “are you flying out to see him when hes living out west?”  both of which are questions that should never be asked. just period. i mean theyre reasonable questions but to ask them to me results in really awkward answers. like “~ im an artist.” to which she asked, “where” - bitch everywhere. i am a fucking artist of life. and of course its not within my parameters to explain - well you know i’m fucking pretty mentally ill so i’m generally unemployed and collect social assistance hbu. its not like i can outright lie either as the two people who do know my life are sitting there too. and its shitty in some ways that these eople are close tot hem and i am at their house everyday and never once has it been explained that this is in fact his girlfriend, this is what she does and why she is the way she is etc. lie most people would get a “this is ashley, she works at shoppers drug mart and shes a great mom”. but since i have none of this i am nothing to them 

i am also very open about my struggles and where i came from in most situations. this is going to define my interaction with you and you should know that i’m aware of it an am working on it everyday. i am a very self aware empathetic person and i know that becaue of my unusual life i may cause unintentional offense or harm or burden someone in a way that i would not mean to if i understood differently or had a different journey. and everyone has their own journey but it’s a bit like a soldier coming back from war and it’s not on us to judge the severity of harm their journey caused them because we dont know. if theyre so encumbered by the thoughts of death they saw and were apart of it while others are not - we still need to respect the severity ad toll it tok on those individuals. and in no way do they want to be affected by this. theyre not choosing to take it home with them. but it now shapes everything they ever do and being a military person now defines you. it is apart of your definition and character. 

it woul not be appropriate to xplain this to the wasps who think theyre daughter had it rough because she coudnt talk of her prividledge life to stuggling immigrants working to survive while she worked for 2 weeks for extra spending money when she went on her vacation to australia. and it’s ironic of course - i’m now offended by him and i was concerned for offending them; well i was. but then i gave up because i didnt give a shit about them and i didnt think they were actually good members of society. i thought maybe they were “good” fathers or mothers. maybe decent employees. but like a real active good member of society who is bringing a positive vibe to the world? no. i really dont think so. and i have mt people i believe do this. people who i also see really negative traits in as well. theyre not perfect but “good people of society” like working an seeing the whole of society - every part of it as an equal and good thing. maybe theyre bad mothers or fathers though. or maybe not great. i wouldnt say bad. but maybe not great, definitely could be better parents. but they atleast will instill their values, hopefully, into their children who will also be good people of society. i am currently in daily contact with atleast three people who were raised by shitty people of society. people who cared only for heir own exprience and saw everything else as an outside. they now gave that quality to their children. “good mother”. shitty person. 

its up to the people in my support system to advocate for me. honestly. 

[all-odd]

First post

An exercise in journaling. Starting point:

9 months ago

Monday October 10 2016: Columbus Day 2016. I believe this wasn’t an actual holiday from work, I took a PTO day. What a strange weekend it was though. Amy and I drove to Ohio on Friday evening and then drove to Pittsburgh on Saturday morning. The plan was to spend the day in PGH and I was hoping that a hotel room would open up. It was university of Pittsburgh’s homecoming, so there were no rooms available anywhere in the city. Unless we wanted to spend $400 or stay off the highway 30 miles outside of town. I remember our first stop was at the Andy Warhol Museum. It was a place we didn't get to visit during our previous trip to PGH. Our friend Dannielle Linzer had gotten a job there, so we could see the museum and catch up with her. She happened to be standing outside as we walked up. There was some sort of joke we were laughing about as we parked in the lot across the street. Something about minivans vs regular size vans. The parking lot attendant told us to park near a minivan and pointed. I laughed, because it was one of the largest vans i had ever seen. Everything’s a minivan I guess! anyway, this may be getting very long winded. We talked a bit with Dannielle in the lobby of the museum. She was explaining a bit about her job, etc. We walked around. There was a screen test exhibit that was kind of neat. Here’s a link to it. I wonder how long it will stay up

We left the museum and walked around downtown, Amy and I, we stopped for lunch here. I think I had a tacchino sandwich and amy had an amalfi salad. I had a decent beer (pike land pils?). the bacon tasted a bit gamey. 

We drove to Dannielle’s house. she lived in this neighborhood Lawrenceville. Which is kind of hip, just north of Church Brew Works. A nice place with a back garden and a view of the river. It felt like there were a lot of weird custom things built in. She has a little boy and lives with her husband (?) I was sort of unclear on the relationship. I had another beer and kept checking Hotel Tonight to see if a room had opened up. It was just showing a Travelodge or something. We took a walk down the street. Dannielle wanted to take the boy to Franktuary I think he had a hot dog. I think I had another beer. Amy might have had a malt or something. 

That night I had reservations for dinner at a place named Casbah. It was a recommendation from my coworker who is from Pittsburgh. I actually called a number of places on her list, but since it was homecoming, there wasn’t much room. I ordered a lamb shank and it was pretty bad, like it wasn’t really tender and didn’t have much flavor.  I remember sending it back, but don’t remember if I got something else to eat instead. I had 2 glasses of wine with dinner. I’m mentioning it because I was drinking and Amy was not. She was pregnant with Aryana at this point. We decided to just drive back to Joan and Larry’s house. Maybe 30 mins into the trip. I was fiddling with the stereo and feeling good. I raised the volume on some song and Amy got angry. And she must have said something about me being drunk, which must have made be feel defensive. Anyway, all hell broke loose and we pulled into a gas station for something (maybe just to continue to fight). I remember getting so angry I just walked across the street in this random town outside of pittsburgh. And I wasn't answering Amy’s calls on my phone. I was just walking through the grass away from the gas station, just fuming. Amy had her dad call my phone and I answered it. He told me that I should walk back to Amy and she was scared. I guess I felt like I didn’t have anything else left to do, so I walked back. We continued in silence back to Newton Falls. We continued fighting after a while and it got more and more intense. We sat in their driveway for a long time. I remember Amy was trying to get me to admit I didn’t love her anymore. something like that. I admitted that something was different and maybe I did love her a little less after how she freaked out about being in Seattle. Larry texted her at some point asking her if we were going to come inside. The next day, was probably uneventful. Monday we were driving back and that’s when I threw up parked at a rest stop on the Turnpike. It was scary enough that I called to make a doctor’s appt. for Tuesday. 

Today

Monday July 10, 2017: Last night sucked. I started feeling really stiff in my right hip after dinner and the pain just got worse until I had a shooting pain down my leg getting up out of Asha’s bed after stories. It really hurt getting around after that and it was shooting pain when I got up to pee around midnight. Of course, Asha demanded to sleep with us, so I was having a hard time getting comfortable and laid away for hours. I finally took 2 advil and braced myself to move to her bed to sleep. It was really hot and I managed to sleep maybe an hour until I heard Aryana cry and thought it would be scary for Amy to realize I was gone. So I texted her from Asha’s room that I was okay and just trying to get sleep. I got up again and turned down the thermostat to get the AC to turn on and finally slept. I got maybe 4 hrs and had to get up to shower for work. Sat in for 10 mins of a kick off call for CMU this morning, but I don’t think I was invited. Then we had the morning meeting and then the design/tech call. I’m thinking of telling Pranu about California. I told Steve last Friday because I knew Deborah Hess would tell him we’re listing our place. Oh yeah, we decided to list our place. It’s real stressful. Amy handled the College Hunks Moving Junk appointment today. We’re officially orange couch-less! Apparently two tiny Indian brothers (Trishant and Prashant) from UIC were her “hunks.” I really appreciate how much she does these days, with the kids and she’s been shopping and cooking a lot. I had Chipotle for lunch. My hip feels better. 

One year from now?

Tuesday July 10 2018: Who really knows? this sounded like a better idea in my head. I’m wondering if we’re going to be in a place we own by now, or still staying with mom and dad. Is Amy going to have a job by now. Will I still be with AC. Today Joe D. was talking about doing Series C financing in Jan. I hope this all works out. 

[lovethefinalseason-blog]

PL 7B, Ep 7: Driving Miss Crazy

Only four episodes left forever and after this there will only be three until we finally found out who uber A AKA AD is. The writers are certainly throwing a lot of red herring suspects at us. Obviously whoever is AD needs to be a tech genius, have a ton of connections, hold a grudge against the liars and want revenge for Charlotte (Cece/Charle)’s murder. Of course, we still don’t know who actually murdered Charlotte and the topic isn’t broached much on the show. I’m starting to wonder if we will ever find out or if the AD revelation will even make sense. Let’s be honest, we all know it won’t. Literally nothing makes sense on this show. The most obvious candidates for AD are Caleb and Mona - both incredibly smart and tech savvy but unless one of them turns out to be yet another illegitimate child of Mr. Hastings, I don’t see any real motive. Then there’s the Spencer has a twin theory. It was plausible a few weeks ago when she mysteriously met with Wren at the airport (and I do really hope Wren makes another appearance in the last 3 episodes, I’ve long held a Wren is A theory), but I’ve not seen any evidence of evil twin Spencer in the last two weeks. This week’s episode offers no new clues but it did give me one genuine shock moment and a very cute engagement story.  So let’s get on with it then!

Aria has finally decided to take those salsa lessons with Ezra - side note, normally Aria’s fashion sense borders on ‘maybe you belonged in Radley’ but tonight her outfits are all very cute, especially her bright pink salsa sandals. After class, Ezra is annoyed because he keeps getting texts from his brother Wesley - remember Wesley! Ezra’s younger brother who was very adorable and age appropriate for Aria. They kissed once but then decided it wasn’t right. True to form, Ezra’s mom doesnt like Wesley’s new girlfriend and doesn’t want her to come to the wedding. Aria feigns interest in the story and sees that she received a text from AD.  Ezra is oblivious to AD and thinks she’s just worried about the wedding. He tells her he’ll take care of it and leaves.  When he’s gone, Aria opens up the facetime with Paria who’s still threatening her with the mystery file. Paria tells her to deliver a gift to Spencer and her family. Aria says no, she doesn’t want to hurt her friends anymore to which Paria responds “does the groom know you once referred to him as a ‘twisted conniving predator’ and that you wanted the police to charge him.” Aria says that was 6 years ago  and Paria laughs and says luckily for me there’s no statute of limitations on this. Actually fact check - there is. In Pennsylvania victims under the age of 18 who were born before August 27, 2002 have 12 years after their 18th birthday to file criminal charges. So they are still within the statue of limitations and it literally took me 5 minutes to google that. You could’ve done the same PLL writers. 

Marco shows up to Hanna’s apartment to talk to her about the flooding at the Radley hotel. A witness saw her and Caleb there that night. Caleb says of course they saw me, I live there.  Hanna stupidly tells the cop that Caleb helped her mom upgrade the security system in exchange for a room at the Radley.

Spencer is helping her parents pack up their stuff for the move (remember Spencer’s mom got elected as a state senator  so they are selling the house and moving to Harrisburg). Emily is there and mentions that Ali is off visiting her brother Jason in NY. This makes sense considering that 3 parental figures show up in tonight’s episode, so they probably couldn’t afford to also have the 5th liar. In one of the boxes marked “trash”, Spencer finds a a blanket from Radley Sanitarium. Her and Emily think it’s the blanket she was brought home in. Before we can get sentimental (and wonder how Spencer didn’t find this blanket sooner), Hanna texts saying “need to play the game.”

Hanna is freaking out about any other evidence that Marco might’ve found - especially the shovels they used to bury Archer Dunhill. She insists they have to play the game. The liars remind her that it doesn’t work like that, you need to be chosen, and then Hanna looks at Aria and asks why she hasn’t had a turn yet and Aria is like umm...i dont know. Just then, Mona walks in and it’s Spencer’s turn to freak out, wondering what the F she is doing there while trying to hide the game from her. Hanna finally tells them that she already told Mona about the game. They need Mona’s help because she’s smart (duh).  Mona has a short list of AD suspects - “starting with Jenna Marshall and ending with Mary Drake.”  Apparently Mona also helped replace the windshield on Hanna’s car after they killed Archer Dunhill making her an accessory. This begs the question - why isn’t Mona a piece on the game? She was part of the original dollhouse kidnapping. She also hated Charlotte and had every motive to kill her.  This could indicate that she is AD - makes sense but feels too much like another Lucas-esque red herring. It could also be that whoever is AD knows the four of them killed Archer but doesn’t know about Mona’s involvement. Or AD knows that leaving Mona out is torture for her because all she’s ever wanted was to be included in the group. 

Anyway, back at the Radley where Caleb apparently lives, he runs into Hanna’s mom Ashely with a new lob haircut.  She’s tells Caleb she is concerned and wants to talk to him in private. She’s been in a meeting with the Rosewood police about her burst pipes and she’s wondering if he really had anything to do with it and if it’s because he’s protecting Hanna. Caleb looks Ashley in the eye and tells her that Hanna is not in trouble. Again, this also brings up some “could he be A feelings”. Caleb is very good at lying, he didn’t even flinch when he just lied straight to Ashley’s face. He’s also a tech genius and what do we really know about him except that he once lived in the ceiling of Rosewood High School. Again, I think this is a red herring and while I think it would be pretty awesome, it would seriously piss off a slew of Haleb fans. 

Back at Spencer’s parents house, Aria shows up with two bags of food.  Spencer is mad about Mona. While she packs and bitches to Aria about it, Aria takes out a burner smart phone and connects it to the Hastings bluetooth. She then drops the phone into one of moving boxes, then says she really needs to get back to wedding planning with Ezra and leaves.  Literally a minute after she leaves a phone call between Mr. Hastings and Mary starts blasting in the room where Spencer is packing. It’s Mr. Hastings yelling at Mary for burying Jessica in his backyard and Mary saying “I didn’t have a choice, if it wasn’t Jessica, it would’ve been me six feet under.”  Mr. Hastings runs in and freaks out trying to find out where it’s coming from. He finds a speaker then  runs outside to find Mary. The recording doesn’t stop though and Mrs. Hastings also runs into the room looking disgusted at what she’s hearing. When Mr. Hastings come back in, she asks who recorded that conversation and he says “how should i know it was 100 years ago!” to which Spencer corrects him and says 6.  Mrs. Hastings immediately picks up the phone to call the police but her husband says no and Spencer agrees.  While Mr. Hastings definitely looks guilty, Spencer is just afraid that Marco will show up. 

Mona is over at Emison’s inspecting the the board game. Mona tells Emily that she knows who paid for the procedure to get Ali pregnant. Instead of telling Emily, she says she has an appt with the dr. the next morning at 11 where she will pretend to be Emily’s girlfriend. If I was Emily I’d be like

At the brew, Hanna and Caleb are talking - she is worried her mom is going to know they are lying. Ezra comes over with some coffees for them - hey remember when Ezra bought the brew? Yea he still owns it somehow.  Ezra, oblivious to the board game and everything happening around him, complains to Caleb and Hanna that his family is ruining is wedding. He just wants a private ceremony for two.  Just then Aria walks in and a super happy Ezra asks her to stay for dinner but she says she’s not hungry and goes upstairs to their apartment (yes they live above the Brew).  

The next morning, Emily and Mona show up for their doctor’s appointment, talking about their fake artificial insemination. Emily acts weird when the doctor asks the question “have you ever been pregnant before.” Mona tells the doctor that they were referred by another patient of his, Alison Dilaurentis and the doctor immediately tells them he can’t help them and they need to find another doctor.  When they leave Emily tells Mona she thinks this was a stupid idea. Mona tells her that some ideas take longer to execute, then takes out a “fertility now” magazine she stole that has the doctor’s personal address on it.

Spencer finally finds the burner phone that Aria planted and looks like she might finally be putting some puzzle pieces together..

I think she finally figures it out because she calls Aria and tells her that there’s a burner phone in the box that is ruining her family.  Aria acts innocent asking her how it got there and Spencer says she doesn’t know but she needs to her mom about the game. Aria tells her no, Mona might still figure out who’s running the game. Ezra comes in and she hangs up on Spencer fast.  Ezra finally asks if she’s ok and then tries to change her mood by playing a song for their first dance. She doesnt have a good reaction to it, and Ezra thinks that she has reservations about the wedding. Ezra says he knows there are things that he’s done that cant be undone and can’t be forgiven. He thinks she still has doubts about whether she can trust him and that there’s a part of her that can’t forgive him for taking advantage of her and her friends for the sake of a book (OR FOR BEING A PEDOPHILE) She says nothing, just gives him a hug. 

As Spencer leaves her parents’ house, she sees a car lingering with it’s lights on out front. It’s Marco. She asks “when did we go from dating to stalking” and he says that he’s there to do another followup interview. Marco says Ashley told him about her and Caleb’s past relationship and asks her if her interest in him has anything to do with her suddenly needing a cop in her corner.  She looks at him and says “if you have anything to say it can be in your office, under flourescent lights and i promise it will not be me who’s embarrassed.” He gets back in her car and she watches him drive off before getting into her own car.  Before she can start the ignition, Mary pops up from the backseat, covers her mouth and says “drive.”

Mary brings her to the Lost Woods Resort, the creepiest hotel that I’m surprised the cops still haven’t found. Mary says it’s sad that Spencer is afraid of her. I mean, popping up in the backseat of someone’s car would make anyone afraid of you.  Mary tells her that she didn’t plant the phone in her house but she heard the recording while she was waiting outside. She thinks the hospital probably recorded it as they recorded a lot of her phone calls. Mary looks at Spencer and says, you’d be surprised at the things you’d have to do to protect yourself. Suddenly we’re treated to the most awkward flashback transition. It’s 6 years ago and Mr. Hastings is letting Mary into the Hastings’ residence, he tells her “take a good look because this is the last time you’ll ever be allowed in here. You’ll never see Spencer again.” As they are arguing, Jessica walks in and says “I thought we were taking care of this.” Apparently Mr. Hastings and Jessica planned to murder Mary but Mary got the best of them and gave the medications meant for her to Jessica instead. They were identical twins so they had the same medical problems (I guess some sort of faulty drugs mixed with a heart condition killed Jessica).  She’s tells Spencer that she’s been cheated out of so much, most of all knowing her then asks if she’d consider staying with her.  

I forgot to mention that Hanna went back to a cabin in the woods where the liars apparently stole the shovels they used to bury Archer Dunhill. A security guard catches her and she tells him she needs a shovel to dig her car tire out. He tells her that all the shovels were taken. A few scenes later Hanna comes back to her apartment freaking out to Caleb about the missing shovels. As she’s yelling her mom comes out and says “hello stranger”. Apparently the rooms in this apartment must be soundproof because she didn’t hear anything Hanna just yelled about being wanted for murder.  Ashley asks Hanna if Emily is still living there and Hanna tells her that she moved in with Alison.  Her mom looks at the two of them and asks if they are moving in together then.  Caleb tells her the situation isn’t permanent.  Ashley then looks directly at Caleb and says “I know you’re back in Hanna’s life, I just want to know why.” Keep in mind, Hanna is standing right there and she’s like um, hello mom, I can hear you.    Caleb says he’s here because he needed Hanna’s help, he needed to figure things out, like how he felt about her. He says she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He cant imagine his life without her and he doesn’t want to. Ashley is like...what are you saying?  And Caleb says “I want to marry your daughter Mrs. Marin. No bells and whistles, just the two of us exchanging vows, finally making it official.”  Hanna smiles and Ashely with literally no excitement on her face possibly due to too much botox finally says..well, we now have something to toast!

When we get back from a series of seriously annoying Iliza Schlesinger commercials we are treated to the worst scene that’s ever happened on pretty little liars to date. And that scene is Aria’s black and white musical dream of herself in a toilet paper wedding gown in prison watching Ezra get beat up by other dancing inmates while Mona sings jailhouse rock. No, I was not on shrooms while watching this, this is a real scene that really happened. It’s also a full three minutes long and ends with Mrs. Hastings looking at Aria and saying “I wouldnt piss on you if you were on fire”. 

When she finally wakes up, she’s on the couch with a sleeping Ezra.  Her phone vibrates -  “You’ve waited long enough your reward is downstairs at the brew - AD”.  She then goes downstairs to the brew, begging the question if they jointly own this coffee shop, how is it still open while they sleep on the couch upstairs. Who’s running it right now?  Aria not so secrelty starts looking under things and in books and baskets around the coffee shop. She finally spots a piece of paper under a table leg and picks it up. It’s an envelope marked “Aria” and inside is a puzzle piece with a note - “Connect this, you’re almost there” As she’s looking at the piece, she feels someone watching her looks up and sees Mona staring at her. 

Earlier that day Mona and Emily went back to the doctor’s.  Using his home address, Mona somehow found out that he got cash to pay off a medical school bill loan overnight. They demand to know who paid him. He doesnt have names because it was all handled electronically but he does have a donor’s ID number. Mona accepts that because of course she’ll be able to figure out who it is. 

When Spencer finally gets back to her barn, her parents are there looking at the letter from Mary. Mr. Hastings is pissed and says that it’s all a manipulative ploy. He yells that he was protecting the family from a deranged sociopath who was trying to ruin their lives and he would do it again. He then looks at Spencer and says “If someone continually threatens you Spencer, I don’t think you would do any different.” It’s almost like they forgot that someone used to stalk their kid AND KIDNAPPED HER. After he leaves, her mom picks up the letter and hands it back to her. She then tells her to start unpacking boxes because they aren’t going to Harrisburg, shes forfeiting her senate seat. She can’t risk having her husband’s attempted murder in her past.  Spencer tells her that Mary didn’t bring the recording into the house and her mom says really, who did? Spencer looks like she’s about to say something - will she tell her mom about the game? That the stalking is happening again? Unfortunately, we won’t find out this week. 

Hanna is frantically walking through the woods with a flashlight and stumbles on a tent. When she opens it, Caleb is inside and she asks why he wanted her to come here.  When he dropped her mom at the hotel he decided it was better to be off the grid because her staff looked suspicious of him.  Hanna asks if his proposal was real or was he just trying to throw her mom off the scent. He says he would marry her right this second if they could find a bear who was licensed.  Hanna takes out wine and cigars from her bag. She slips the paper ring off one of the cigars and slips it on his finger. He does the same to her with the second cigar.  They then start making out and the camera pans away to lots of clothes coming off, much like the first time they had sex. 

Back at Emison’s we are supposed to be scared of a hooded figure hovering over the board game, but it’s just Aria of course connecting the next puzzle piece. As she does the phone lights up “Congrats your grand prize is behind you.” She turns around and finds her never filed police report in a vase on the shelf. 

Emily, super pumped from besting the doctor earlier, gives Mona the phone Spencer found in her house. She asks Mona to find out whatever she can from it. As they get to the door of Mona’s apartment, Emily tries to come in to show her something and Mona brushes her off, saying they still have tomorrow then quickly goes into her apartment and locks a thousand locks and watches Emily leave through the peephole. I know we’re supposed to be suspicious of all the locks on her door but let me just say again, these girls were tortured and kidnapped. They should all be locking their doors and closing their blinds but none of them do, so obviously Mona really is the only smart one.   Mona sits down at her desk, turns on her computer and starts typing.  The camera pans out and we see a large evidence board with newspaper clippings, photographs, yarn, the works and in the corner - the four missing shovels.