sarahserendipity-blog1

[sarahserendipity-blog1]

September 9, 2019

Affirmation collage

[sarahserendipity-blog1]

September 9, 2019

Walking Cooper behind Dacey Field

[sarahserendipity-blog1]

September 8, 2019

I left Salem pretty quick this morning and got Grandpa a card and birthday gift (just a random mystery book I thought he’d like). I went home and changed my dressing, showered, and tried to make myself look somewhat presentable (which was foiled by my new hair gel, which turned my hair into the consistency of straw), the went to Mom’s and let Cooper out. She was out food shopping, so I went back to the apartment and muddled around for awhile, until eventually I went back over again. She gave me her Amex and I went out shopping for clothes for the fall. I felt disgusting in every single outfit I put on, but I barreled through and still spent about $300 on mostly sweaters. Mom, Grace and I went to Grandpa’s later to give him his birthday gifts, and we got subs for dinner.

I feel weirdly numb and unmotivated today, but I think it’s because I haven’t been taking my medication. I probably should do that. I tried to eat better today, and was hungry alllll day, but I feel like I made some progress. We’ll see.

[sarahserendipity-blog1]

September 7, 2019

So... first post. Not any pressure or anything. I’m trying to remind myself that I have to start off slow when starting to journal again, that I can’t just empty my brain on command right away.

This morning I woke up after sleeping for about 15 hours. Michelle and I had a looong ass day yesterday (doctor’s appt, seeing Matt’s dorm, sunflower field, lunch with Joe, walking around Salem, long drive home) so I’m not super surprised that I needed a lot of recoup time. I started to edit some of the leftover Lopez wedding photos, but realized my mouse I like to use was broken. I decided to go to Staples to get a new one, and somewhere during this morning I had already been thinking about potentially getting a used iPad off facebook marketplace. I talked to Joe about it while I was buying this mouse, and he suggested I just splurge the extra money and get an actually nice one that I know will work right and not die on me in a few months. So, since Best Buy is right next to Staples, I flounced my ass into the tablet section, waited a million years for an associate to help me, and bought a fuckin iPad. Just like that. Never thought I’d be one to impulsively buy electronics but I guess I impulsively buy everything at this point, so...

Anyway, I got this iPad and went home to set it up. I ended up not really doing much with it because I promised Joe I’d leave for Salem around 2pm. So I put on My Favorite Murder, got some Wendy’s, and headed up there. We went out to see Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, which was a great movie aside from some weird plot holes. The monsters in it were genuinely terrifying, probably because Guillermo Del Torro produced it, and he’s somewhat of a badass with that kind of thing. I slobbered down an entire tub of popcorn, so hopefully I won’t regret that later.

Right when we got home, we ended up having this long serious talk about our relationship and how we both need to try harder. I came clean about how fucked up my thoughts can be, and he opened up about his expectations and hopes for our growth both together and separately. I told him I didn’t want to talk about my depression because I’m not some kind of special snowflake. He countered that to him, I am. That one got me. This entire conversation actually stemmed from talking about Michelle’s dumbass doctor that suggested she solve all her problems with protein shakes. Joe tried to side with the doctor and I promptly lost my shit all over him. I even fucking cried about it. And then that conversation turned into how we communicate, and how we don’t talk, and my mental health, and blah blah blah. It wasn’t as hard for me as it usually is, though, so I guess that’s a plus. I came out of it genuinely wanting to improve as a partner.

Now I’m working on editing the rest of the Lopez wedding photos, although I probably won’t finish them until tomorrow, since I still have to pack my wound. Joe is playing Super Smash Bros with Mason while I work; it feels really nice to just be existing in the same room doing totally different things.

I’m hoping to journal everyday, especially now that I have this fuckin iPad to do so. It’s going to be really good for me.