#like i don’t have connections anymore
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Been thinking.. it may be time to let Dinah go. There’s not much interest, hasn’t been there for some time. I don’t want to put effort into anything that is unwanted and be bothersome, or an obligation.
#* ooc // charlotte speaks.#honestly feeling like this /everywhere/#like i don’t have connections anymore#it could be my head#idk but sometimes i feel like it’s not
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I think about them too much. Exhibit Z
#ace attorney#the great ace attorney#barok van zieks#albert harebrayne#benbaro#tgaa#dgs#comic#my art#I legit thought this was gonna take me WAYYYY longer than I thought???#Spirit of BenBaro took ahold I guess!!!#I just…got so excited to make this and share this idea that their 10 year separation was probably the best thing for their friendship#in terms that I genuinely think Barok would’ve been WAY WORSE when the wound was fresh#THEYRE SO FKING WEIRD AAAARUUGHHHH#tgaa really gave us one of the potentially best character relationships and didn’t do more with it#I don’t CARE if the game is called ‘AcE AtTorNEY RYunoSuKe NaruHODo’s REsolVe’ GIMME MORE OF THE TRAGIC VAMPIRE AND THE WERID SCIENTIST#I’ll probably make it its own post but can we talk about…like…Albert is really the only connection Barok has to his peaceful days#considering who’s dead…which is like…almost everyone we can assume he had a history with#sure he’s making new connections and heading for a brighter future#but it’s gotta suck thinking back to the people close to you in the past and realizing…’yeah I almost lost everyone’#he’s really only got Albert (as far as we know) to look back on fond memories with :(((#yearning isn’t enough anymore I’m gonna start throwing brick at Capcom until they make them kiss#this is the most serious Albert has been in my arts and it kinda throws me off but I actually love it#let them have a serious private moment together my head would actually explode (positively)
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I know The Founders Cut, generally, is the edited scrubbed over version of genloss from Showfall in-universe (as well as a not-8-hour-long-three-stream-binge-night whenever we want to watch it again) but something that struck me as odd and I haven’t seen anyone mention yet, is this warning
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It shows up right at the junction where the third act starts, where it appears the Hero is breaking free of Showfall thanks to Hetch. But here’s the thing, while a LOT less than the previous acts the audience still played a significant role in this act, even when really only given two audience interaction choices. Which makes me wonder, how real is this warning, and who is it for? Obviously the audience involved knows what happens past this point, but the audience is also implied to be an integral part of the Social Experiments, which is part of why things start to tweak out when the Founder removes them in the Founder Cut as the Generation Loss generation loses.
My first thought, was that obviously this is another bait and switch, a way to draw the audiences attention, seeing something that’s secret, something that’s not “meant for them”, which is a tactic I could see Showfall using in universe to keep people’s attention and add an air of mystery to their shows.
But
Showfall is doing all their experiments and these shows with a LOT of help from their censors to show it off, displaying a fun silly show that is definitely not uber fucked up and that is 100% just slime don’t worry about it, it’s kid friendly if it’s green! And I don’t think they’d want to bet all their cards on this one experiment doing well enough to their audience to not question the sudden shift in tone that follows this warning. Which makes me wonder.
They did their test, they did their experiment, and the evidence of this last act? I think it was a one time run, they don’t want anyone seeing this, it isn’t for the audience. Act three is specifically to both test and play with their Hero, Hetch’s new lines add a level to this, never once does he call the Hero by their name, just refers to Ranboo as their Role, and he’s not exactly. Nice? About literally any of Ranboos concerns, which wouldn’t really seem conductive to making an audience trust him, especially with his monologue at the end. Ranboo has escaped before, possibly right before act 1 started, they tightened the security on his mask to be unremovably part of them, Hetch doesn’t like the Hero but they’re a fan favorite so he can’t just get rid of them.
Act three is the cumulation of Ranboo being punished for things they don’t remember, for daring to break free from Showfalls control, this is Hetch taking the Hero and essentially majorly fucking and manipulating them to take his frustration out on a fan favorite they can’t otherwise get rid of or give a smaller role like Slimecicle. which is exemplified by the fact that we now know Charlie most likely was never able to actually able to fully snap out of the control, that even in act three in panic and confusion there was at least still a part of him being influenced by Showfall.
So the first two acts are the usual show, they have their posters, they have Squiggles to introduce them, they have goofs and silliness and only a couple slip ups that’re quickly dealt with, the usual rose tinted curtains. Act three?
Do not watch the following material
#or Showfalls just bein silly goofy and pretending they’re letting us in on a secret that isn’t one and playing off the reveal of#what they’re up to as just another plot of a show and hey that isn’t real don’t worry it#but I also think Hetch is really truly throwing Ranboo around like a ragdoll for more than just audience entertainment during act three#I think it could tie in to Chronicle Zero though. if Zeros dreams are connected to what happened to Ranboo then she knows something#Showfall would have a vested interest in her. not in fact. knowing that#and maybe trying to make her not know about any it anymore in a very Showfall kinda way#I’m less versed in what’s going on with Chronicle Zero tbh but I’m tryin. I fuckin love Gen loss#robot rambles#generation loss#genloss#Ranboo#I’m doin the thing where I ramble but it’s my blog I do what I want here#and I’m having hard life stuff happen irl rn so I’m clinging to genloss because it brings me joy and the timing of the FC was super helpful#also if anyone was curious I think Hetch is a bitch but I do acknowledge the possibility of him also being controlled#and I don’t think we’ve seen the last of him#but that’s stuff for not-in-this-post lmao#I had a theory tag at some point but imma be so fr I Do Not Remember what it was
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I will never get over when au creators call MK “prince” or “little prince”
It sounds so nice to me for no reason and I don’t see it super often so it doesn’t feel overused
#to be fair tho I rarely think anything is overused#I like when ppl have fun or mass adopt hcs#this is even better tho if it fits the au and is not just like#a villain calling MK this despite there being not much connection#like when ppl make him an actual heir/bio child instead of what he actually is#text post#lego monkie kid#I don’t read fanfic for this fandom much anymore btw#so idk if it’s like. become more common over the past few years#or smth
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i miss carpisuns sometimes </3
#not necessarily that I regret switching over but i just get like nostalgic for an earlier time in the ml fandom#s3 was soooo much fun for me#and the long hiatus before s4 was also the best. so good wasn’t ready for it to end when it did haha#things just feel so different in the fandom now#both the fandom has changed and I have changed#and of course the STORY has changed#and I like don’t know what to do about that or how to react#cause I am used to being one of the guys who is defending ml’s honor with my life lol#committed to spreading positivity#and I still want to be that guy!#but it’s like. idk. I don’t recognize this story anymore#this isn’t the same story that I fell in love with years ago. but I don’t want to just like Leave??#I do want to see how things play out bc I am still invested in these characters#and I would love to still be part of the fan community and connect with people over a mutual love for this thing#that has been important to me for years and has inspired me to create and learn new skills and make new friends!#but I also don’t just want to shut up and pretend I’m happy about things I am decidedly unhappy about lol#like it’s honestly surprising to me that a only a small minority of the fandom seems to feel the way I do?#and the majority are still super pumped and frustrated at the people who are complaining#and really. I don’t WANT to rain on anyone’s parade. I honestly don’t#I was part of the parade for years! I had the best time in the parade! I don’t want to ruin the good time!#so i try not to be too salty on main ? but i feel like I’m going a little crazy lmao! like I’m just one bitter little miser fhdjjd#i mean i guess it’s kind of a good thing that I moved blogs tbh lol#cause now when i whine only a fraction of the people have to be exposed to it 😂#but man i hate knowing that people might think of me as a salter#I mean it’s valid if people are trying to have fun and do not want to hear my complaining haha#but also do i automatically have to be a salter. are the only options support and defend ml 100% at all times or Be A Salter#or can there be a third category of certified ml lover that is just disappointed in recent events & disagrees with the new writing direction#is that too much nuance for tumblr lol#see maybe that’s why I miss carpisuns. she didn’t have to ask this question. she was only full of LOVE!#but therein lies the irony…like marinette I have made this choice out of love…for what the story once was…what is to become of me now…
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I think im going to have to start not caring or worrying about if im somehow “supporting” or “promoting” bad things or people with my actions or money because it literally gives me so much anxiety, not because im worried about doing something genuinely bad, because i know how to navigate nuanced moral situations and trust that i will know through discernment when to do or not do something, but because im afraid of other people, especially large groups of other people, thinking i or my friends or anything i care about is evil because we are navigating a situation differently morally lol
Like i just accidentally saw some of The Discourse about “doing Harry Potter fandom at all now is basically delusional and evil and you have to stop” and im gonna be so real however much i don’t like JKR and don’t want to direct my money toward her and will spread word when applicable that she sucks, i truly think if i lived like the people who think about whether like, all of current HP fandom on Ao3 dot edu or whatever is doing Evil by participating in their hobby I truly feel like I would go insane???? My work and fandom isn’t an advertisement and I have so little money I don’t know what the point of this would be other than manipulating me into moral prostration or something and after touching grass lately i find it truly deranged. Like genuinely if you talk to one single mature adult person outside of fandom about this you will see how deranged it is
#also the need people have to publicly talk about which people they don’t support anymore freaks me out like#why are these things connected. like of course i don’t support the person who did something horrible what the Fuck are you talking about#this is about JKR bc I saw discourse but im not in HP fandom so it’s also about Neil Gaiman whom i despise lol#he and i are nemeses#<- (joke I am practicing not being delusionally parasocial with artists)#i can very easily imagine doing HP fandom ethically i just find ethics subjective#and don’t like that some ppl will literally pretend i am responsible for something bad a complete stranger did
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cannot sleep because I decided to be stricken with the burden of acknowledging how hard it is trying to make irl friends in your 20s
#I feel like online I am so slay at making friends because I can be a lot more present but irl is hell to try and form connections#like realistically I have one friend I see the most and even then it’s not that frequently since she started a new job and I don’t live in#the same state anymore -_-
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Maybe you found the spot on the map
But lost the kid on the way to the mark
Tell me now were you digging for gold
Or digging yourself in a hole?
Now tell me “now, where’s the head in the clouds?”
Now tell me “now, where’s the bright eyed lad?”
Now tell me “now, where’s the kid tellin’ tall tales?”
Siren, Colm R. McGuinness
I can’t explain the emotion this song gives me about my dragon age ttrpg character Saeed but it’s making me cry
#my oc#creations#Saeed#Saeed Piraeus#we haven’t even gotten into things that would make me this emotional over him#like we’ve just been chillin in this mansion#granted it’s 500 years in the future after being kidnapped by fae#I’m feeling grief for things that haven’t even happened#it’s what if#what if one day#his dream was to be a famous writer! Varric levels of famous!#he’s also a performer! sings and plays instruments for crowds!#and now he’s in this future where magic doesn’t exist anymore#he’s the last of his kind in so many ways#tevinter doesn’t exist anymore#mages don’t exist anymore#adventurers and bards don’t either#and now he’s treated like a hot commodity#bc magic#his home is on the bones of redcliff castle#he is mourning so much but he’s the master of the house and has to put up this front that he’s doing okay!#people only care because he’s new and has magic#they don’t care otherwise#(except the other party members)#me: I need to figure Saeed out I need to connect w him!#my brain today: okay!!! here’s stuff to cry about!!!!!!!#I have to dm today in like 30 mins and im CRYING#about a different game!!! aaaaaa!!!!
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… is it bad that i don’t like some popular ships bc it involves one or two of my fave characters together?? it feels pathetic but i can’t help it 😭
#dare i say.. alhaitham and kaveh.#or neuvillette and wriothesley#OH AND ZHONGCHI#LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN don’t lose me here#i’m just not as big into shipping anymore either#so maybe that’s the case??#i’m like this with aot ships too#the ONLY ONES i love are yumihisu and eremika#idkkk i just don’t have the same connection to a lot of popular ones#x reader fics save my life fr#💭 — pariss’ thoughts
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just saw all the fan translations and if this is accurate (i don’t fully trust the fan translaters ngl) then this is the saddest fucking ending mha could have gotten. and i already don’t like the original ending. but this shit? is heartbreaking
#not even talking about the ship confirmed#just everything in that f chapter#no matter if you ship them or not bkdk’s relationship/rivalry/friendship has been the foundation of the manga#together with izuku wanting to be a hero so so bad#and this ch makes it feel like izuku conpletely dismisses katsuki and any attempt of him to connect to him#and that bit of advice katsuki gave him? that led to izuku pursuing ochako#was def not about them#it feels more like katsuki was trying to pull izuku’s attention towards how kat treats him special and is trying hard to like#connect to him#and for izuku to completely misunderstand that just shows that he doesn’t understand katsuki anymore or doesn’t care to#anyways this is just so f sad for anyone who cared about their dynamic in any way#you could have confirmed izuocha without like?:!:?: taking deku’s whole soul out of your story#he just feels so?:!?: like a shell of himself to me idk like i don’t recognise him#bnha#bnha leaks#bnha spoilers#bkdk
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lace harding i’m coming for u
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#legitimately so excited ok#like it’s been nice to get a second to see everyone else’s reactions and like. temper my expectations lmao#but Also this will finally let me like. watch netflix on the tv because i can’t get my xbox 360 to connect to the internet anymore#and they don’t have an app on the switch#i need to continue to justify this to myself bc no i didn’t JUST buy it for veilguard. but honestly that uhhh is the main reason#AND i finished my christmas shopping on this trip so i deserve a treat#mine
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cr3 is gonna end and the pc’s still feel like the same people to me :|
(crcritical content in the tags feel free to skip)
#cr spoilers#cr critical#the pacing of this campaign was shot to shit from the start and i really hope mercer learns from this and takes it into account for cr4#i actually think they need to do mini seasons like d20 does. not in the way that they’re all completely separate from one another but#the way the unsleeping city had multiple seasons or a crown of candy or fantasy high. connected arcs in a bigger story#it would give mercer more time to plan and pace things and would give both cast and crew more time to prepare things#bc this campaign was. frantic. just full speed ahead with no breathing room. it’s a marathon sprint#i still feel like the initial assault on the key was like. maybe a few months ago#IT WAS A YEAR!!!!#what do you MEAN this campaign took place over five months!!! these people don’t know each other!!!! I don’t know them!!!!!!#VM knew each other for YEARS TM9 traveled for a YEAR together#CR3 viewers have been talking about a time skip happening as though it’s a guarantee!!! TM9 didn’t end with a time skip and guess what!!#It was a good ending!!! Maybe a few loose threads but they were easily touched upon later with no issues#like idk ppl are allowed to like or even love cr3 i have no issue with that. i just think that from a storytelling perspective it’s just#so poorly paced and i think both fans and players deserve better than to be thrown into world ending stakes immediately#the initial assault on the malleus key felt like an endgame event and it was like fifty episodes in. Tm9 got to xhorhas around episode 50#characters deserve time to marinate. cr3 is a pressure cooker#don’t even get me started on braius’ inclusion. sam i’m sure your character is cool and complicated but he’s been here for like 20 eps#i dont know this man#also i feel like shorter seasons/separate arcs woven together would account more for people’s personal lives and any medical issues#like what happened with sam. ppl were hounding him asking for his return meanwhile he was being treated for CANCER like I can’t imagine#dealing with that kind of pressure. players deserve privacy however they can get it.#(also fgc’s death is to me the only narratively satisfying thing to happen in cr3 i’m not kidding#fucking perfect setup and execution. exquisitely done on mr riegel’s part#laudna has also had some great story beats along with imogen but i think matt fucked up making delilah come back i really do)#anyway all the love to the cr crew and cast if you see this ily and your stories i just think pacing needs to be taken into account#“they’re just friends sitting at a table playing dnd” i don’t think they are anymore actually#obviously they’re still friends playing dnd but like. cr3 feels so produced and i dont mean that in a good way :[ it feels so corporate#off topic i am SO FUCKING EXCITED for the switch to daggerheart! I think it’ll really breathe some new light and life into exandria!!!
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“Other lives, other existences, it didn't matter. They were polarities, and wherever they went, his half would always find hers.”
- “The Atlas Complex” by Olivie Blake
#HIS HALF WOULD ALWAYS FIND HERS#SOULMATES AND TOGETHER IN EVERY LIFE#no doubt if he didn’t die they would have been together in this one too#THEY ARE INSANE#like insane insane#nicolibby really won in TAC#like every lifetime endgame???#who else can say that???#love my soulmates#one of their many bangers from this book#and seeing as it’s my birthday I needed to post one#hope all the antis were crying reading about how much they love each other#and how Nico defines love by his connection with Libby and how Libby loves Nico more than any of the other 6 could love each other#sorry the amount of shit I went through in this toxic fandom made me not even want to be part of it anymore#and I don’t even post anything about a different ship or characters I don’t like on any platform#yet people can’t just leave me alone for liking nicolibby so I’m being petty#nicolibby#libbynico#nicolibby quotes#libbynico quotes#nico x libby#libby x nico#libby rhodes#nico de varona#olivie blake#the atlas series#the atlas complex#tac#the atlas complex spoilers#tac spoilers
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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Staring down that weird feeling of feeling like too much or out of place or annoying if I say too much or say things too loud or too off-putting to be like- WANTED in any given social situation. To try so hard to socialize just to- idk. I’d very much like to stop defaulting to that scared kid that was pushed away or talked over until I got old enough and desperate enough to say any and every rapid fire thought that comes to mind. Like filling space when there’s dead air then wondering if maybe I did the Too Much™️ thing again and A. Scared everyone away or B. Pushed everyone away so it would hurt less when they leave BC of A.
Of feeling like I need to be useful or smart or talented or pretty or SOMETHING worthwhile so people want me around. I can just be but then it’s like just being has never been enough for anyone to like- stay. Or care. Running is always a mistake bc it’s like riiiight.. no one noticed you ran, babe. You’re not even at the top of their list people to want around. And just feel so low about it that I talk myself into feeling miserable again.
I’m happy, ive been so much happier lately and i dont take it for granted bc it’s so rare that things go okay or that there’s a sense of peace for a moment. I’m creating again and im less hard on myself about it. I have hobbies again, I’m making friends. And still I’m like seeing the other foot start to drop in real time bc it’s like. You’re in, but are you? That constant nagging voice that sounds so much like my own going “lonely again? Good you deserve it”
#me: there’s time..#also me: THERES NO TIME#now see the thing they don’t tell you about taking lexapro is that you’ll have the motivation and energy to reinvest in hobbies when you’ve#been in depression hell for so long#also thank god it makes the excessive worry thoughts thiiiiiis loud 👌#like nooo babe there’s time#there’s always time if I’m okay with the crushing feeling of splitting my attention TOO much that I don’t connect with either fandom#that’s spooky#shaking and screaming like ‘don’t look at the notes it doesn’t matter’#and it truly doesn’t#sigh#I just keep coming back to that Brennan/hank green clip#where Brennan is talking about feeling like you just /dont/ belong even tho u did commit to trying you’ll always have that scared little#kid at the back of your mind with no friends reconfirming that no one likes you#I don’t know..#in theory people like me#but /i/ can never be normal about it#and I keep like.. I dunno#it’s tough spending your whole life never being the one people seek out#never the one that people WANT to hear talk#constantly feeling like too much and wondering if I should pull back#for people to get weirded out when I pull back#it’s exhausting#and it’s lonely#and even after 24 years I’m still the same insecure kid talking in the group chat while everyone else is silent#like am I too much am I too desperate#even like talking to my mom- who’s opinion of me truly doesn’t matter anymore just constantly interrupt me or talk over me#or ignore me so I’m repeating myself over and over just to give up#personal#fuck
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said to my counsellor that i wasnt built for friendship because everyone always eventually just. stops speaking to me and she went “ok why do you think that is?” and then when i finished my dumb sad list she went “ok so maybe you aren’t good at friendship” and i. have never regretted spending £50 more in my life lol
#A RANT IN THE TAGS MY GOD I DIDNT EVEN REALISE I AM WRITING THIS WARNING RETROSPECTIVELY#£50 to feel like never trying to speak to anyone again or forge any connections THANKS RUTH#Ruth remember when I said that every friendship I’ve had I’ve never truly known if it’s a friendship or if it’s one sided#remember when I told you that my friend groups always had people who had a favourite and I was never the favourite#remember when I told you that several friend groups have disbanded but not really they actually just made new spaces without me?#remember that? remember my trauma? remember?#because I DO!!!#I was not born to have friends I don’t think#I can’t even make friends with other autistic people or other weird people or other queer people#I don’t even think I could make friends with a clone of myself#this is so guy wrenchingly isolating lol#like girl what do you want from me? keep everyone at arms length like I used to?#try not to let myself get attached to people in case they decide they don’t want to be close to me anymore?#please it is not great advice Ruth#THE WORAT PART is that I literally was like ‘I don’t message too much because I’m overbearing’#and she asked where the proof was#and all I had was the complete dissolving of any relationship where I tried or tried too hard#so now I’m left in this confusing space of do I message too much or not enough because I have no happy medium#and she knows SHE KNOWS I also have energy issues and executive dysfunction stuff going on#and I know she is just trying to help and get me to think about this stuff#but it was just not the time lmao#finnie shouts into the void
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