#like i cant move sometimes for the pain
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Does anyone have tips to help period cramps?? Like mine are so bad I'm getting dizzy
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#I'm sorry I'm behind on asks I feel like it never fucking ends#can't talk to family about it. they worry too much. cant talk to friends about it. they just start giving unwarranted (well meaning) advice#and plus they basically live with me atp with how often they're over helping me fuck do I do?? bother them more??#dude it's embaressing even if it's not chronic shit it's just unlucky shit like how u gonna have an allergic reaction & then seizure same d#idk about therapy therapists scare me. it's not a therapy issue though I'm just tired and in pain all the fucking time#one more person says “same omg” or “well have you tried-” i will start cutting peoples throat and eating their livers#you do NOT know what it's like having to write your own will before 30 like this shit aint right shit aint fair#makes me petty and shit too people who are healthy like can you just fucking suffer why do you get that freedom but not me#it just never ends#like I really fucking hate it when people say “oh you have so much to live for” because no I don't#Not so sound like a right winger gosh dang god fearer but like deadass people focus so heavily on “mental health!!” they don't#realize even if you feel better and get therapy or shit that's not gonna be realistically helpful for anything physical going on in sm#it's a cycle even if you manage 1 thing - the medications cause a 2nd thing#and that's alongside all the OTHER things you take medications for which cause all those other things#it's like multiplying and makes your body slowly deplete but like never quite die. like I know realistically I can just die anyday#and yeah it is getting worse but it's no different because it's not about that#when you're sick it's not just “OMG DYING!!!” it's like. everything else in your life dies.#you can't cook for yourself. you can't clean. you can't move. you can't hang out with people anymore. you can barely work LMFAO.#I'm REALLY close to quitting it's not even funny lmao. cant put clothes on without struggling.#do people not know it's. physically impossible. to even eat sometimes. just vomit it all up or seize.#yeah it does make me petty#rant
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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#camera talks#i am so fucking envious of people that arent physically disabled#i try to be okay with my disability and sometimes i've even come to terms with it#but when im bedridden because i actually cant move or get up#or when im walking down stairs one at a time. taking me 1-2 minutes to walk down them#while im nauseous and dizzy and genuinely feel like dying#and etc etc#i am so jealous of people who dont go through this#i would give so much to be able to live fucking normally.#its so so painful and there is nothing i can do#and my family Actually doesnt care (they care and take precautions when my mom has them tho. mine are just more-#frequent therefore more annoying to accommodate)#it affects every little bit of my life and i feel fucking crazy#and its not even just my migraines. my general chronic pain is so fucking bad right now and it hurts so bad i cant do anything#i dont know how im going to live like this. i dont know how im going to do the job i want to do#i dont want to deal with this forever but im going to be and i hate hate hate it and im so upset#vent#if it wasnt obvious#sorry im going to bed now. i feel bad
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very busy babysitting a duo of kittens (only two months old) the last few days but i shall be drawing when i return home (this includes requests)
and also if anyone wants to see the babies send an ask and i can post them in response hehe i have taken SO many photos
#yew branch#also i just missed a step on the stairs going down and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow#i am now trapped on the couch until my back stops exploding at least a bit#upside tho is that the kittens are playing together on the couch#sometimes right on my lap!! theyre so so so so cute#i adore them#BUT YEAH i shall be drawing when i return home provided my back allows me to sit upright by that time#bc it sure isnt rn GDJSGJS#im sad ill have to go home tho.. these kittens are some of the cutest beasts alive#life is worth living because every day kittens are playing and having fun#i miiiiiiight be able to indirectly take one#one of my best friends might possibly be able/willing to take one and keep her with her own cat for me#until i move out of my parents house mid next year#so i might get to have... kitten that ive watched grow up from newborns...#the story behind these kittens is that one of my other best friends took in a stray and she turned out to be pregnant#and had these two!!#im also watching the three adult cats in this house but theyre not nearly as much of a handful#as can be imagined this friend is very tired of having 5 cats in the house regardless of how small two of them are GDJSVSN#which is very very understandable#i dont think i would want five cats unless i had a fairly large house. if i had a large house and plenty of free time most of each day#to give them play time and tons of affection#as well as the physical ability to keep up with them all#then id gladly have five cats#who knows maybe someday ill have a nice big house and plenty of spare time and my ddd will be under control#but that doesnt seem likely#aside from ddd being managed! because i have a pain relieving steroid injection tomorrow and then ill be starting physical therapy!!#im excited and i have a lot of hope for at least the physical therapy to help#PLUS THEY HAVE A POOL FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!!!!! AND I LOVE SWIMMING ESPECIALLY AS A GENTLE WORKOUT#and low impact things are very important for my body specifically i cant do high impact exercise or itll hurt me#plus i just love being in water i swear i was meant to be an aquatic elf from dnd
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#ay ay ay. i dont wanna do my job so bad. it makes me so unhappy also i fucked up a thing by letting someone take part of a culture when i#shouldnt have. it happened so many months ago that i fucking forgot abt it and then the person emailed me abt when we received the stain and#i thought it was someone from another project so i cc'd my boss who was like. wait. what the fuck is this? and now its like oops sorry but#like wtf am i supposed to do abt it now? she askrd me to take some when i was rushing out of someone else's lab and i was like what? sure.#whatever i dont give a fuck i feel like im dying every second i stand in this room. i didnt even think to ask to share it which is what i#should have done. oops. cant do anything abt it now other than feel abt abt causing drama between labs. ugh.#i just wanna cut all ties with my old work. theres no joy there. only pain and anger. which makes it hard to work with it but the sooner i#do. the sooner i dont have to fucking deal with it anymore. ugh. also i really need to find a therapist but my insurance changes in like 18#days so i might as well wait for the semester to start. ugh. like i can feel the pull of my bad habits trying to drag me down and i dont kno#how to stop them. like its weird. i noticed while my parents were here. they can just do things and enjoy stuff. and everytime i do#something i feel like im holding my breath the entrie time waiting for it to be over and for what? its not like i had other stuff to do#i just needed to kno when things were gonna end and i dont deal well with flexible situations. which makes it hard to do things. so its#like do i succumb to my control freak lil bubble of not doing anything and being miserable or do things outside my comfort zone and be#miserable? one of those things is way easier. plus i dont even kno anyone here so its like wtf do i do?#try to make friends with my sometimes roommate maybe. i just need to corner her and be like hey i need to establish a dialog with u so i can#tell u that if i seem like a weird hermit im not trying to b standoffish i just dont kno how to do human interaction well. can we b friends?#id like to b friends but if i dont talk now then ill get stuck not talking ever. which is whats happened with past roommates... god my 1st#roommate must have thought i was so fucking weird. ugh. point is. these bad habits must stop. and i really need to get work done so i can#never think abt that shit ever again. at least now that ive moved i can run up the side of a mountain when im frustrated#unrelated
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beyond frustrating that even my chronic pain is tied directly to my trauma
#like what. they got away w everything & i get to be in near constant pain + fatigue for the rest of my life??? how is that fair?#im just now learning how not to beat myself up for needing lots of rest too. i used to think i was just lazy & rude.#but its literally my body telling me 'hey we need to chill out for a while & not move much. sitting is a good way to do that'#i cannot help it. yet instead of being angry w those men i was angry at myself for needing more rest than others#(my dad among other things is pretty ableist & its very evident. its rlly hard not to internalize the shit he says sometimes)#anyway. cool that the abuse fucked me up so bad internally that it cant be reversed & continues to cause me significant pain 🙃#actuallytraumatized#actuallyabused#csa vent#kinda? more implied than outright stated though#trauma vent
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#you know#ive had chronic headaches since i was little#and chronic migraines since i was 13/14#but sometimes it really hits me how much i hate them#like the pain has lonv since become nothing but an annoyance#but the fact that like not medication really truly helps#and what does is basically curling up in bed and hiding away until i can focus or think straight again#sometimes it feels like im missing out in so much and sometimes it feels like they are getting worse#like there are ones i can still function through still think staight enough to focus on life#but the ones were i cant#where i feel like my head is gonna explode#where my thoughts arent straight and i can barely move or i get dizzy#they seem to be getting more and more frequent.......#idk i just feel like having them makes me feel like i have to put my life on pause#except its not paused its just passing by me while im stuck unable to do anything#i also fully believe that scrubbing my brain w/those face wash brushes w/ those little nubs would feel divine and fix my issues#or a lobotomy#though that might be kinda a lobotomy#idk but this shit is tiring#anyway this was all brought on by a headache so bad my jaw and teeth hurt too#and turning almost migraine level for a bit#but made me miss out on spending time with my family#(and Sonic food bc i was nauseous 🥲 lol)#anyway sorry for rambling hope everyone else's Saturday is going better than mine
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The funny thing about constantly telling yourself that things could be worse is that sometimes. They are :)
#youd think the moldy trailer was gonna be rock bottom#but apparently its staying in a basement covered in the dust of a thousand thousand catshits#with the same people who traumatized me over 22 years until I moved into the moldy box in the first place :)#because im STILL dumb enough to believe their promises after decades of betrayal! or more accurately i dont get the choice lol#either way if i dont get outta here fast it is game the fuck over. been too much mental and physical pain for this shit to be worth it#fucked anyway given how much debt and permanent degenerative damage has been done but at least I can live whatever shit years I get left#in relative peace#I mean fuck I used all my fucking energy yesterday doing shit for them instead of taking care of my own stuff and WHY#all I got was get asked over and over to work even fucking harder like what the fuck did I expect#years pass and nothing changes for the better with these people what the fuck#and even if I DO manage to find somwhere to stay with folks who WONT lie to me for years to abuse my labor and psyche#I'll be broken in body and mind and spirit and ill need a job within the week to not fall behind#i still havent gotten on my feet and every attempt to rely on family. no matter who.#was just an excuse for them to use me for all I had for nothing in return#cant exactly find roommates with no money no credit no will to live and 20 problems on top of that that mean I cant pay rent yet#and without any family who wont try to kill me slowly or any friends who arent so fucked themselves they cant help its lookin like#im fucked once again gang#to think i was so fucking close to escaping all of this before the pandemic happened lol. even what I had then just isnt possible anymore#if I hear one more baseless 'things get better with time :)))' I WILL vomit until I choke to death like buddy that just isnt true sometimes#straight up some people are born to eat shit and die. babies get cancer. its been 24 consecutive years of eating it and I aint whistful fam#not anymore at least#keep sayin 'well it could be worse' when its about the worst its been and youre just asking fate to prove you right#only reason Im not completely homeless instead of technically homeless is that folks actually on the streets are much tougher sort than I#gonna jinx this whole fuckin rant but it really is a fuckin joke. i cant live like this but most folk Ive met on the street#would jump the moon just to live in the moldy trailer I got kicked out of let alone a filthy basement.#this COULD be a home I could work and live out of. fellas is it picky to prefer despair over living with people who traumatize you#does that answer change depending on circumstance and time or is there truly no justification in not making your life worth it#or am I really just the pathetic stoner burnout dropout that my folks see me as? I mean categorically yes.#is there any justification redemption or even just comfort to be found in that state considering the Weight that induced it#does it even matter if no other person knows what that Weight has been or for how long its built. if no one ever will know? whats the point
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i think my uterus is trying to kill me
#sami rambles#this is one of the worst periods ive ever had wtf#i couldn't move yesterday which is sometimes normal for me but the pain is so bad its making me nauseous#which means i cant eat which is like my main source of comfort on my period#god i just feel disgusting
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I really miss doing art and I think at this point I've mostly recovered from being overworked with my diploma, I wish I had a desk* so I could draw without having to hold my laptop on my lap and completely busting my spine and knees and wrists
*I do have a desk that belongs to me but my brother keeps occupying it, and if I leave the room for literally more than five minutes while my laptop is on said desk, he will remove it and put his own laptop on the desk
#we literally agreed on a system where we switch who has access to the desk every week#he doesnt respect that system at all#today while he was at school i put his stuff on his bed and placed my laptop on the desk since he was supposed to give it to me days ago#i had the desk for only a few hours#because my mom asked me to go to the store with her and when i came back the little shit already took the desk for himself#like. at this point what can i even do#sometimes he does it literally while i just go to the toilet or the kitchen#and whenever i think of having to draw with my device on my lap i just. wanna throw my tablet away#my back is already in almost constant pain i dont need more of that#besides when i do that my laptop overheats faster. its old and doesnt work as well#i have this like laptop stand on the desk that keeps it from overheating#of course when my brother takes the desk he takes the stand too so i cant do anything#im just. so fucking upset#cant wait to move out#then the desk will go to my room and the fucker wont have access to it at all. i dont care#you know the most annoying thing about it is that he does have a desk at his father's place. which is literally in the same building#he can go there and have his own desk and own room. but he chooses to stay here for whatever reason#sometimes i feel like he stays here only to make me upset#bee buzz
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need to get on that pilates grind since it's so easy to adapt to laying in bed
#the way it would likely help if i was having bedrotting days#ik sometimes i just want to move my body as much as possible but i cant get my brain to work#or im in too much pain to put together an outfit to leave the house#did some basic exercises in bed to test it out and yeah. i need to start implementing it. wuaghh
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it’s like im just getting worse
#physically#and im just waiting on this insurance shit to be figured out#something always hurts and i just don’t know why#sometimes i can move and sometimes i cant?? more pain on some days and then no pain at all#but then with ‘no pain at all’ it’s just another problem#i can’t catch a fucking break even if i wanted to#it’s like i can’t do anything#and then mentally im just fucked so even if i can get out of bed it’s not like i want to#because what’s the point if im going to be stuck back in bed the next few hours#can’t even sit at my desk anymore#fucking christ#sighhh felt cute might delete later 💀💀💀#slashhh ref
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wanna post this on bsky but i risk being found out saying this so ill post this here btw this shits (ha) kinda gross
dude. my boss smells like shit. like pure shit idk if he doesn't wipe his ass or something but my fucking god i stood next to him for 10 seconds and almost died how is he still married
i remember his daughter telling me that when she was a kid he had a Shit Stained Sponge on his shower because he didn't wipe before showering and used the sponge instead and it stained of shit because he didn't wash the fucking thing and also didn't wipe before using it so he probably smeared shit all over his body because of the fucking shit stained sponge im losing my fucking mind he must still have it. also he doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom i know because i can hear when the sink is open
and if that wasn't enough his breath also smells like shit i can't stand speaking with him thank god i interact with him like 5 times a month tops because jesus fucking christ man. why are cishet straight men so fucking gross
#gross#rambles#lowkey rather kill myself than interacting with him#AND HE TOUCHES ME!!!!! WITH HIS PISS HANDS!!!!!!!#HIS PISSY HANDS!!!!!!!#PEE HANDS!!!!!!!!!!#SOMETIMES MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!#(not in an inappropriate way he does it with everyone basically n its for a joke)#(BUT STILL )#i cant just ask him to stop or at least wash after because i KNOW how much men are defensive over thos#this* idk how to edit tags on mobile#anyway. i know because i had to teach my dad to wash his hands at the tender age of 50+#and he still doesn't do it when im around#men are gross!!! thank god im a dyke!!!#like im still kinda gross because i sometimes go 3 days without a shower but thats because#either im feeling too much physical pain to stay standing up for around 10 minutes straight#plus moving around to wash my toes and dry everything#or im too mentally ill to even consider#BUT AT LEAST I DONT SMELL LIKE SHIT#once someone told me i smell like cough syrup so i think i smell like that? for some reason#anyway all men must shower please please please wash your ass#WHEN IM NOT AROUND* my dad doesnt wash his pee hands when im NOT around jesus how the fuck do i edit tags on mobile
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i wish that just by existing as a trans person i wasn't opening myself up to harassment and risk
#i had a terf go after me earlier#its been a while since ive had that happen so ive been thinking about it#like i dont want to be like this#dysphoria fucking sucks and it sometimes gets so bad physically that i cant move#its not just its a physical thing as well#its not something i can do anything about#i try to minimize the harm that my status as a transgender women can have on people because i know that it will upset people#and i don't want that#i dont like the fact that im trans and i really fo not understand why i should be proud of that fact#why would i be proud of the amount of pain im in#it doesn't make me who i am its a constant stressor#and going after someone for something that they dont like and cant do anything about is somehow seen as a good thing by these people#i just dont want to live in fear#with the amount the American right has been scapegoating and restricting transgender rights and with us going into an election year#that is just going to increase#i cant change this#but just by existing i am opening myself up to hate for some reason and i dont want that#i just want to live my life
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realising that i am actually disabled and its not just something i have to 'suck up and get over' like ive been told all my life has been. so confronting but also so freeing
#original thoughts in their natural habitat#its helping me give myself permission to like. rest#its okay that i cant breathe walking up hills i dont have to pretend im fine if im not#its okay that sometimes i cant move because of chronic pain i dont have to pretend im fine if im not#like obviously these things are GREAT but like. im letting myself acknowledge them
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