#like i can feel happy sometimes. so my depression surely is being exaggerated

[tortademaracuya]

bWAH 🎺

[cry-ptidd]

Laura genuinely makes me so sad, like I cried all silly sometimes ago cause we have a similar past but I went on and she’s like you know..stuck and I wouldn’t want that for anyone :( even if she’s fictional and a killer. I just wish to be kind to her for a moment and tell her a lot of women or really humans feel her pain, that it didn’t turn all of us into monsters. I guess it’s why I’m attached to her because I get it I do, but also…why I hate characters that have SA in their backstory cause it’s really depressing. She’s an amazing character but I can’t help but still wish her punishment and somehow through it all. Peace. That she gets all the punishment she needs and gets some peace right after..a good for good slumber. Even if she doesn’t get that, or feel worthy of it.

This ask actually made me a bit emotional, im gonna be honest. It's one of the most sincere messages I've gotten i think? I am very sorry about what you went through and I will do the same thing you'd do for Laura and tell you to please remember you're not alone and that i believe in you as a person, and that you're still able to move ahead despite everything that's hurt you.

Laura is a character built on cruel irony and tragedy, and many of her aspects are an exaggerated version of views that i also have because of my own trauma (aversion to men, aggression, anger, spite, stubbornness) and the crimes and attitude that would make her an irredeemable character are here to kind of cement the fact she went way too far in her revenge and how being hurt an turn a person into a monster.

But, i rally have to agree with you. Holy FUCK do i pity her. She's not reveling in her evil, she's not actively trying to do more harm (not anymore), and she's just in a state of permanent self-loathing and isolation, where her punishment isn't satisfying to watch or even really clear. You don't really wanna root for her morally, you just kinda wish she'd just... stop. And take a long sleep. Just like you said, a proper, defined punishment, and then let her sleep.

I think this ask sealed the deal of me giving her a canonically somewhat "happy" ending? Maybe a mild one? Where she starts to settle down and indirectly heal alongside Integra and Seras post-canon. A household of damaged women growing alongside each other. Im sure her Creator can decide on a rightful punishment when she passes. Let's just give her a bit of leisure for now.

[sirfrogsworth]

Very personal question so I understand if you don't want to answer. Did your diagnosis feel like a relief, socially? Mine isn't the same, but on one hand I feel relieved to have an "excuse" for being so friggin tired all the time. Society can't "morally" call me weak or lazy anymore. I can actually get some of the rest I need, without people judging me as harshly for it. No one's going to smack a chemo patient and tell me to be productive at all times... I find it sad that I have to have a justification for being exhausted. Nothing's really changed besides a label, but I'm suddenly allowed to feel like shit when I wasn't before.

I have a weird relationship with my diagnosis.

CFS doesn't have a blood test. It doesn't have a genre of specialists who are trained with a specific diagnostic protocol. The only CFS specialists are doctors who took it upon themselves to learn more about the condition and then self-label as specialists. Which unfortunately means there is a high rate of CFS quacks.

To get a diagnosis you have to go to every doctor you can think of, in every specialty you can think of, and gather negative diagnoses like Pokemon. And once you have ruled everything out, you have to find a doctor that kinda/sorta knows what CFS is, and they will officially declare you have tried everything and *probably* have CFS.

And even though most people with CFS are 99.9999% sure they have CFS, there is still that anxiety in the back of our minds that can't help but doubt.

Then there is the social stigma (which is improving) where new people you encounter, doctors, and sometimes even close friends and family, will very much doubt you have the illness. They might think you are being dramatic. Or you are exaggerating. Or they will think you have depression for years and shock your brain. They will think "Well, I get tired too." Or they won't believe there is nothing you can do about it. They still have that mindset "If I had that, I could get better." Or they will think, "If I had that, I could push through it with my epic constitution and boomer work ethic."

So, honestly, I am still kind of waiting for my diagnosis in a way. Every year or so an article will drop saying "The CFS blood test is almost here!" and then no further details. That damned blood test has been coming every year for like 15 years now. It's like cold fusion.

But I will say, when something else is wrong with me and there is a definitive test or a firm diagnosis from a proper specialist—that definitely feels like a relief. I am so tired of my body manifesting medical mysteries that even when something is terribly wrong with me, if I know exactly what it is, I am almost chuffed about it.

Doctor: The blood tests came back and you have life threatening sepsis. We will need to perform surgery to remove a giant piece of your back skin.

Me: Neat!

True story. (Warning: Very gross)

When I took my sleep study nap test and they were like, "Yep, you got narcolepsy as well." I was so happy that I had a "real" illness that I could use to convince doubters I was sick. Unfortunately everyone thinks narcolepsy is just falling asleep at weird times and they don't understand it much beyond that. So that wasn't as helpful as I initially hoped.

Now that Long COVID is causing serious cases of CFS, I have noticed a few people taking it a bit more seriously. But I have two uncles who think I am weak and lazy and was just mooching off my parents for 20 years. And apparently I have been disowned from that side of the family because of it.

But if that blood test ever actually happens I will come back to this post and let you know.

I'm sorry you required a diagnosis for people to take you seriously. But I hope your treatment is successful and you can just be healthy and not have to worry about stigmas. I'm rooting for you. Get that rest and take care of yourself.

[thr4shit]

Venting under cut because I feel bad at the moment.

(Understatement of the fucking century right there, bitch.)

I'm tired.

I'm lonely.

I feel like shit.

I want to talk to people.

But at the same time don't want to deal with conversations.

Being in a state of contradictory existence fucking sucks.

My mental health has been absolute bullshit for the past like... almost two full weeks.

(I've had like 7 or so breakdowns/episodes in the course of 8 days, with some days having MULTIPLE. I got VIOLENT in some of them. I BRUISED MYSELF because I started slamming my fist into my forearm because I felt like I was bullshit and deserved to feel pain. It barely fucking hurt, and I was hitting full force... I was LAUGHING, CRYING, SMILING, and SCREAMING all at once as I did that. I was ecstatic, and sad, and happy and enraged all at fucking once on rapid fucking shuffle with no breaks or warnings. In another case I had in depth plans to TRACK DOWN AND HURT people who were annoying me. They've been so much worse than they've ever been and it's just EPISODE after EPISODE and I don't get a fucking break and I'm so fucking tired afterwards. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I feel disgusting. I feel like I'm becoming a monster and I don't know how to stop it. I NORMALLY ONLY HAVE AT MOST 5 OR SO MAJOR EPISODES LIKE THIS A YEAR. AND INSTEAD NOW I'M JUST HAVING THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND OVER TINY BULLSHIT THAT I SHOULDN'T BE??? Like- YEAH, sometimes I'd get into one WITHOUT provocation, but those are RARER. They shouldn't be happening SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK???)

No one in my irl life seems to give a shit about trying to help me feel better.

(No one is an exaggeration, but VERY, VERY FEW)

Instead they do shit that makes me feel worse.

But I can't fucking say that because they're "good people" most of the fucking time.

They're just not helpful right now.

And it's not like I could be 100% open to them either!

I'd fucking scare them off!

I'd be alone ALL OVER AGAIN for the SAME REASON AS LAST TIME.

THE SIMPLE REASON OF "my mental health got bad again and I SCARE them now"

I CAN'T FUCKING EXPLAIN HOW MANY TIMES I'VE LOST EVERYONE BECAUSE OF THAT!

IT'S BULLSHIT.

But I also don't blame them??? I'd be scared of me too at times.

Jesus christ, I mean I fucking am. I'm always scared that I'm gonna go too far one time.

I can't handle people.

I can't handle friendships.

Maybe at this point I shouldn't have them.

I don't know how to properly reach out to professionals.

I don't want to because I don't want things to be more "wrong" with me than they already fucking are.

I don't want to reach out because then I'll be alone again.

But if I don't reach out I could end up alone again.

No matter what there's no good outcome.

This place is my only escape from it but now it's falling silent too.

I'm being drowned in silence again.

I'm getting to that point again where not even my fixes can give me joy and I don't see the point in TRYING to enjoy anything.

But, y'know. I'm not fucking depressed so I should be fine, right???

That whole "this too shall pass" bullshit???

Fun fact, it NEVER passes for me.

It's just always waiting to COME BACK.

I'm a fucking monster. And they're right.

They're all fucking right.

And I fucking hate it.

Nothing I have been diagnosed with explains this.

People always blame it on my executive dysfunction.

Even I did.

But at this point I'm not fucking sure.

At this point I'm starting to think I'm just a bad person.

At this point I'm willing to believe I'm the monster they think I am.

But oh fucking well. I have a new blog theme. So... yay...!

[ghostiewriter]

Hi ghostie this is kinda out of nowhere but I’ve been wanting to ask you a question. So idk if I’m totally tripping or if I saw that you don’t really like Elain in acotar and I just wanna know the reasoning behind it.

I feel like I see so much hate on her character (I absolutely think she and nesta were shitty for the way they treated feyre throughout their whole childhood I’m not excusing that) and I might be completely wrong but I feel like so many people hate her because she’s not like nesta and feyre where they’re literal warriors and are strong hearted and brave. And before anyone attacks me I love all three sisters (nesta a little less because man she could be a fucking bitch to everyone for the stupidest shit a lot which had to do with depression and low self worth but sometimes it was just uncalled for but I’m hoping she’ll be better in the future books).

I’m a middle child and have a younger and older sister and it’s kinda crazy because I can see our personalities match the archeron sisters although the book personalities are more exaggerated my older sister is not that bad trust me, but I definitely see their bravery and strong hearts and stubbornness and can see them as warriors even if none of us can fight for shit lol. I genuinely feel like I relate more to elain with her kindness and compassions being the leading traits she has (I don’t do plants I love painting though anything artsy is my thing). I’m not a very brave person and I tend to be the one who mediates in any arguments and it makes me wildly anxious to be around when I’m with people who are fighting or arguing. I’ve also always had low self esteem and it’s hard for me to set boundaries with others because I’ve always been a people pleaser and tried to do anything to avoid upsetting others (I’m working on it and I’d say I’m better than a few years ago).

My sisters have “jokingly” called me weak mentally, physically, and emotionally because I’ve had depressive/anxious episodes where they sometimes find me crying in my moms arms because I wasn’t really good at managing my emotions (I feel incredibly deeply sometimes it’s horrible but when I’m happy I’m ecstatic, also I grew up in a household where negative emotions were avoided being talked about so none of us were able to learn to regulate them when they got out of hand). I guess I just see a lot of similarities between myself and elain where it feels like they sometimes treat me like I’ll break at the slightest inconvenience while also low key despise me for being this way? I feel like I’ve come a long way since a year ago and I feel like im beginning to master myself and my emotions and am slowly but surely becoming more sure of myself and set boundaries. I wish I could be brave like them and I believe I’ll get there someday but I also don’t think that remaining kind and empathetic and compassionate despite witnessing so many terrible things makes me less of a person than them. They tend to just assume rather than to put themselves in another persons shoes (I’d catch myself doing the same sometimes but I’ve realized it’s usually to make me feel better about putting others down).

Im realizing now that this just turned into a venting session and I’m truly sorry for that I know you’ve been busy with Jiara week (very excited btw :)) and I know I shouldn’t let the way people feel about a character hurt me it’s dumb lol it just made me feel like shit for being so similar to a character a bunch of people hate. I hope you don’t think less of me for this but I would really like to know what you think of elain.

this was...this was a lot of a thursday morning ngl!

i hope you don't take my answer personally since elain is a fictional character and all of this is based towards her, but i just don't find her a very interesting character. i understand she isn't a warrior-type female character and she isn't the first one sarah j maas has written. elide and yrene are examples of characters who are more love than war and i adored them endlessly. they were well written and had so much personality beyond the fact they were kind.

elain just feels really superficial to me and maybe that will change with her book, but i honestly can't say i care all that much about her. in the first book, yes nesta was a bitch but at least she was something. elain had nothing going. then potential came after she had been turned and yet still she somehow managed to remain the most boring character in this series when she arguably has some of the coolest powers. i feel like its overlooked how much she hurt feyre as well just because she is kind. as well as the fact that she just overlooks how much nesta protected her, not because she was made of glass but because she loved her.

the lucien stuff also kinda puts a bad taste in my mouth. i think stringing him along and not giving him a chance whilst also not making a decision is just a bit shitty. yes, she was traumatised and went through a lot but she also had no reason to be so hostile towards him when she was so kind to everyone else? like at least nesta was self-destructive with all her relationships, not just one.

anyways, i hope that answered your question!

[aikoiya]

DP Prompt - Curse of the Seven Sins

Ya know, I remember reading these little stories where a character would be inflicted with some sort of curse & for 7 days they'd switch from 1 sin to the next where the sin was much more exaggerated or prevalent than normal & I guess it was just an interesting chance to analyze a character.

Like, I never really saw it done this way, but I kinda wish that they'd have focused on how each sin would look like on the character based on the character's own, already established personality. Like, it could've been a chance to examine why a character was the way they were.

Like, yes, these characters are under a spell, but these feelings & behaviors have a basis in their actual character.

So, that got me thinking; what would such a Vice Curse look like on Vlad?

Maybe Greed for Vlad would be focusing on him as a businessman & this need he has to obtain more & more capital in a vain effort to get what he truly wants; a family, specifically, the family that he feels he was robbed of. Namely, Maddie, Danny, Jazz, & possibly even Ellii to an extent. But it shows itself in him sort of metaphorically throwing meaningless wealth into a bottomless pit of want. I can even see him showing some yandere tendencies here because of just how much he wants Maddie & Danny. His manipulative tendencies & use of underhanded methods would be on full force here. This would end up showing him more as a kingpin.

Or how Pride would show itself in his NPD tendencies. He would clothe himself in finery & would use it to cover up a deep insecurity he has at not being good enough. Particularly for my Vlad as his father was negligent & manipulative & only wanted anything to do with the boy when he either wanted something from him or wished to degrade him. So, that plus the belief that Jack & Maddie abandoned him as well as how often Danny criticizes, belittles, & dismisses him, & not to mention how Maddie rejected his proposal, Jazz used him, & how Ellie betrayed him, festers in his head & creates this belief that he isn't good enough. Not to mention it would bring to light this entitlement he feels. Like, life owes him for the crappy hand he got or something.

Gluttony isn't just about food. More so, it's about over-consumption & over-indulgence. As such, I could see him spending all sorts of money in order to surround himself in expensive things, including rare & powerful artifacts, delicious foods, fine alcohols, the attention & adulation of the rich & powerful, but as he surrounds himself with more things, the more depressed & numb he becomes. More & more he indulges & the emptier he feels because none of it is truly substantial. The only thing he really finds joy in anymore is baking & munching on sweets he made himself because it reminds him of a time when he was genuinely happy; spending time baking with his mother. But at the same time, he unintentionally mocks that memory of his mother, who was a very sweet & charitable person, by hoarding them all to himself.

Sloth shows itself in his lack of interest in doing things the hard way such as how he chooses to overshadow CEOs in order to speedily get contracts signed rather than use actual negotiation skills. How he'll sometimes overshadow a millionaire, make him sign over his estate to Vlad, then kill him to get his money. How he doesn't really show much interest in really training his ghost powers unless it's to one-up someone, instead opting to rely on his natural strength as a halfa to overpower his enemies. How he tries to just throw money at his problems. Not to mention how he doesn't bother fighting anyone he isn't absolutely sure he can defeat soundly & even how he seems to cut corners with some of his inventions by copying the Fentons rather than making something himself. Possibly have Vlad get fed up & try to just pay a powerful enough ghost or magic user to just break it outright, but the curse is much too powerful & bound directly to his soul. Ergo, if anyone were to try & blunt force it, it'd just result in his soul being badly damaged. (Not broken or destroyed, because only a soul's creator can truly kill that soul.) In a lot of ways, it showcases his opportunism & impatience, as well as highlighting his manipulative nature again. Though, when he isn't cutting corners, he's wallowing in self-pitty & depression.

Wrath shows up as his pettiness & need to one-up or punish those he perceives as having wronged him. His unrelenting rage at Jack, Danny, & Ellie. But the reality is that all that anger & rage is just covering up the hurt & sting of betrayal. Jack truly was his best friend & had the other man visited him at the hospital & apologized, Vlad would've forgiven him... after sulking for a time... But Jack didn't visit & not only did he never apologize, he seemed, even years later, to wish to avoid even mentioning the accident & even married the woman that Vlad had obviously been interested in! AS THOUGH IT WERE NOTHING!! LIKE THEIR FRIENDSHIP HAD MEANT NOTHING!! So Vlad wraps himself in an illusion of grandeur to shield himself from the hurt he feels. Not to mention how lonely he's been as the only halfa for so long, only for the second to come along & brush him aside & ridicule him like his father had. And even though he says otherwise, some small part of him did care for Ellie, but his desire to have this delusion of a 'perfect' half-ghost son was greater than his care for her. Yet, even still, to have someone he called a daughter, even if only for his own benefit, batray him, hurt.

Envy shows itself as how badly he wants what Jack has, what he thinks he deserves, & what he feels like he was robbed of. Some serious yandere stuff showing through here.

Lust is the fun one. The flirting & creepiness would be off the charts here & in situations where there is no other romantic interest, he'd default to Maddie, but because she has absolutely zero interest in him, he'd begin to get through the nights by paying for escorts & whores to spend the nights with. I see him as heteroromantic & gynaphilic bisexual, but I wonder how far he'd be willing to go in his search for fulfillment? In the case of a writer having a specific character in mind for him to get together with, he might initially start off still pinning after Maddie, but then switch his interests over to the character in question. Besides just sexual desire, I also see him as being a very touch-starved individual & here it'd sometimes become overwhelming to the point of desperation, neediness, & clinginess. Possibly even paying escorts extra to act like they genuinely care about him, which would just highlight how incredibly lonely he is. Possibly even surprising himself with how viscerally he wants someone to just show him even the barest hint of affection even if it's something as simple as friendly companionship. Like, he craves closeness to an alarming degree. Anyway, in the case of my PT au, he'd have his eye on my fem!Danny oc character, Dina (whether he'd realize that just having her as a friend who genuinely cares & wants the best for him, having been there for him despite all his schemes & mistakes, is enough for him or that he had feelings for her, depends on the situation), & in the case of @kaezer, he'd turn to Maeven Lockwood. Either way, his yandere tendencies would be so obvious at this point, it might end up with him on a watch list if he goes after the wrong woman. At the same time, I see him not really knowing how to react to genuine care towards him as it's been so long that he might end up pushing them away.

Regardless, it's a very interesting concept.

Like, at first, Vlad just thinks the curse manipulates his personality, but then after 2nd or 3rd Vice, the pattern is recognized.

And what if we twisted things? What if each sin lasts however long it needs to & they start to really make Vlad's life difficult. As such, in order to overcome each stage of the curse, Vlad needs to display the corresponding Virtue sufficiently enough? What if the curse wouldn't go away until he got through all of them?

Like, for Greed, he needs to learn to give out of the goodness of his heart. Maybe he shares some things he baked with someone he sees as being similar to himself? For Sloth, he needs to really buckle down on training his ghost powers & on practicing his negotiation & diplomacy skills. No more ghostly or magical shortcuts! With Gluttony, he'd need to show restraint & abstinence from indulgence. Envy would require acts of genuine kindness & learning to recognize & be grateful & content with all the blessings he has in his life. Pride would require for him to show vulnerability, humility, & honesty in regards to his feelings for others as well as in how he truly views himself. For Lust, he needs to practice sexual restraint & real, genuine care rather than simply seeking sexual gratification. Specifically, showing that he values someone other than himself as a person.

So, yeah! Lots of room for character growth!

Though, I'm not sure what order it'd go in, but I think that Wrath would have to be one of the last ones because it'd be one of the hardest to get through.

DP Character HC Masterlist

[loafbreadcake]

about father

starting of with a strong heavy topic tw/ abuse, death, suicidal thoughts

It's hard to describe him. My father had a really rough childhood and life in general. Still has. His father and brother tragically died when he was still a toddler. He grew up with his mother, my grandmother. In my opinion she is and was in deep depression her whole life there forth my dad probably didn't grow up in the best environment. He also didn't have a male role model, so he never knew what a healthy father, brother or husband should look like. Plus he also most likely grew up hearing stuff like if you're a man and you cry or talk about your feelings youre weak. Plus he experienced all sorts of other hard bullshit.

Now that he's a grown man he seems to me like he's extremely insecure, childish, has extreme anger issues, hates everyone around him including himself.

Yet at the same time he's like a small child who needs a warm hug from a father, encouraging words from an older brother. Just hear someone nearby tell him that everything will be okay

Like I said he has extreme anger issues. Me and my younger brother used to to be scared of him. Now my brother and my father talk all the time and me and my father fight all the time.

He emotionally abuses my mother. Even hit her a few times. He doesnt do that anymore but still, it happened in the past. She can literally be sitting on a coach watching tv, cleaning the house or just be breathing air and my father would always somehow absolutely go berserk on her. I heard them argue more than them having natural conversations. That's not an over exaggeration. I have no idea how my mom is dealing with all of this. I can't help her. At all.

He had a previous unsuccessful marriage as well but I don't know any details about it.

When you talk to him it's like you're walking on eggshells. He never hit me or my brother though and he never would. Father constantly says how much he loves us. And I believe that to be true

He wants to spend time with us all the time, talk to us, he constantly says that if we're unsure about anything or if something is bothering us we can always come talk to him. He also spoiled us when we were little and still does to be honest

I'm not sure if I want his love though And I'm not sure why He desperately wants a connection with me and I desperately want nothing to do with him And that's such a bad thing to say. I feel so guilty. Sometimes he gets drunk and comes to my room, complains about it being messy, about how I'm constantly on my computer, about my school performance, then he cries and tells how much he loves and misses me, how much he wants to spend time with me and talk to me, how sorry he is for yelling, how hard life is for him, how hard it is to do everything financially on his own, how he cant take it anymore

I remember he used to say to me how he'll go away one day and never come back when I was little when we had a bigger argument. He still says that sometimes now but in a more specific way. He says that when grandmother dies and if me and my brother leave him after that too he's not going to continue living anymore. He will "go away and never come back"

He never had a father to talk to So now that he is one he desperately wants to have a good connection with his children

I'm kind of trying I think I try not to argue back, to talk to him more about personal life at school, but it's hard On top of all this I'm struggling to talk to people about my stuff in general

I feel so bad Despite the shit he does to my mom, the yelling and other bullshit he does he still desperately wants to be a good father, in a perfect happy family, that has fun together on vocations, chats over dinner and tells each other how much they love each other

And it's not like I have a bad life Quite the opposite I have a phone, a laptop, delicious food made by both my parents, I go to school, I have a roof over my head, I get allowance if I need any, I have a cute dog, a bike and tons of other stuff I'm grateful for all of this So, theoretically, talking or spending time with my lonely father should be a no brainer, a normal thing to do "in return"

I'm a selfish, insensitive kid and I don't know what to do I hate that things arent black and white I hate that my father loves me

My father, this angry, tired man needs help This whole family needs it And I don't believe they will ever get it

Like I said, I'll try to be less argumentative, Ill try to be friendlier, try to spend more time with my family

Before anything awful happens Kind of a goofy thing to end this with but my father kind of reminds me of Steve Zissou from "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" personality wise.

If Steve's personality quirks were cranked up to the max and if he wanted to be a dad he would probably be just like my father

This actually is one of my favorites movies The main character in my favorite movie reminds me of my father and I don't know how to feel about that

[batz-surveys]

6.

What are some things that you consider a waste of time? Why? Doom scrolling for sure. I had such a problem with it when I first got TikTok because my thinking was, "oh these videos are short, how long could it have been?" Then I look at the clock and like, two hours flew by. I have it better under control because sometimes when I go home, I'll put my phone on the charger in the other room and make myself do other hobbies or chores.

What feeling do you have the most difficult in expressing? Anger. I do not have a cool head at all when it comes to certain things and I tend to explode over little things, especially during the week of and before my period. Like, don't even look at me wrong those weeks.

How do you think you would handle yourself in a crisis situation? I guess it would depend on the crisis. I thought that I was okay in a crisis, but my dad had to have surgery yesterday and I was holding my breath until I could see him after work. The amount of stress I put myself through when he was completely fine during and after the surgery was so unnecessary. But I've always been obsessed with the idea of my parents dying. As a kid, I was convinced if they left me home, and they went out or something, that they would die. It's something I know I have to work on with a therapist, and it's gotten better the older I get, but sheesh. But as far as other things that aren't family related? I think I'd be okay.

How would someone be able to tell if you were happy? I'd probably be smiling. I have a very expressive face.

Are you usually an organized person? Why/why not? Yes, I'm very organized for the most part. In my apartment, it's literally the physical example of the phrase: "A place for everything and everything in it's place." Now as far as my thoughts go…well, I'm organized to make lists to stay on track, haha.

Do you make your bed everyday? Why/why not? I guess I do. Like even if I don't make it in the morning, I'll make it before my nightly shower so I can get into a made bed. I know, it may be a waste of time to some people since I'm literally getting in it later that night, but I just like the feeling of pulling back neatly placed sheets and climbing into a made bed.

If you had the power to shapeshift, what would you turn into first? Why? Probably another human, honestly. Like, I'd totally walk into a billionaire's bank, as that billionaire, and act like I was them and take out a significant amount of money. I'd pay off the debts of everyone I know, help out some homeless people, donate to a bunch of no-kill animal shelters, and buy a home for my husband and myself.

Does any particular season make you happier than others? Why/why not? Fall and Winter! Why? Well, some people get depression in those seasons, but I get seasonal depression in the summer because I'm stuck inside. It's too hot to do anything so I stay inside a lot. I'm a homebody but I still love taking walks with my husband and/or my dog, going on picnics, etc. But I don't do it in the summer because it's just too hot here and the not being outside does something to my mood. Plus Fall = Halloween and that's my all time favorite holiday, not to mention it's also my wedding anniversary!

Do you like to exaggerate things for effect? No, I don't like attention like that.

How often do you cry? What can bring you to tears? Too often and literally almost anything. I think it comes from always being stifled emotionally as a child. Thanks, Mom!

Would you describe yourself as a peace-keeper or a trouble-maker? Peace-Keeper.

Do you give money to homeless people/beggars? Why/why not? I never really have cash on me, so no, but if I did and someone came up to me, I probably would. It's rare that I even have the chance to get asked because I usually just go to work and come straight home.

In what circumstances do you feel most at peace? When it's a nice, breezy, cool Fall day, and the sky is grey, and I can open my windows and listen to the wind and just relax. Maybe I'm reading, or maybe I'm playing video games, or maybe I'm watching a movie. But man, I love that kind of weather and I can't wait for the first cool day of Fall because right now, it's still like 83F+ here.

Do you enjoy hugging people? Do you enjoy receiving hugs? Sure, and yes, I've always been a hugger.

Do you think that luck has much to play in your life? I'm not sure about that. A lot of what I have, I've worked hard for whether it's my nice apartment or my relationships with the people I love. Now, if I won the lottery…then I'd think more about luck playing a part in my life.

Do you think you are interesting or a bore? I'm probably pretty boring to a lot of people, but I think I'm pretty interesting because I know everything that's happened in my life. I share about thirty percent of myself with others willingly. But if someone were to ask the right questions, I'm an open book. The only person who really knows just how interesting I am, is my husband. And my journals, of course, but they're not people.

How would you rate your maturity among your peers? Scale of 1-10? Oh, I think I'm probably a five. I know a lot of things that people in their 30s should know and all that, but I also laugh at farts and say the word "boobies."

What do you feel is your number one flaw? Are you doing anything about it? I'm shy. I am in my thirties and I'm still shy. It's hard for me to talk to people outside of work. I wish it weren't that way.

Do you see yourself as worthy of love? Why/why not? Sure, I've been through the fucking ringer, and I deserve it.

What is your greatest disappointment? Probably something I did. I'm good at being disappointed at myself.

Do you think you are competitive? Do you really dislike losing? Haha, yes, but only when it comes to video games and board games.

On which topics do you feel qualified at giving advice? Love. I've had a lot of different kinds of relationships with a lot of different kinds of people and I ended up with someone incredible.

What is a talent you wish you possessed? I wish I could read music so I can play all kinds of instruments.

What would you be famous for? I'd love to be a published author that was semi-successful. I'm not sure if I wanted to be like, super famous, but to know people were reading my books and enjoying them or talking about them at least, would be pretty cool.

How long does it take until you can’t be alone anymore? Hmm, I'm actually not sure. I love being by myself.

Are you anything like any members of your family? Sure.

Do you tend to be punctual or are you usually late? I'm definitely punctual and I hate waiting on people.

[radiocrypt-id]

This ain't d20 so I get no one reading it. I made the blog to vent though so that's what Imma do. this is just for me.

My emotions are big. Oceans big. Too big for my body. Too big for other people. I learned poetry and prose to explain how things felt because I couldn't understand how "sad" could encompass it all, how joy was loud enough for the bursting fireworks in my chest, how anger could possible be the name for broiling lava in my skin. No one could explain things to me in ways that made the same sense as it did to them.

Blue is a descriptor for a colour we see in the sky but it's just a word. They said I was sad when I cried but I cried for so many strange reasons. They said I was happy when I laughed but I've laughed in rage too.

They set up a box of rules and then bit by bit showed me how said rules didn't actually apply. Someone isn't always happy with you when they smile, someone isn't always heartbroken when they sob, someone isn't always angry with you when they yell at you.

I was made to feel small. Not because they told me I was, though they did that too, but because these words were too little for what I felt and there aren't enough colours in the rainbow to paint them out through my fingers and there's not enough notes in all the octaves for me to sing it out, my feelings are too big. So much bigger than they should be.

They can't possibly fit inside me, let alone inside such a little word. three letters cannot describe the cold heat in my chest, the heaviness of boulders pulling my ribcage to the ground, begging me to rest, to stop, to let it all go without me. sad isn't big enough. Depressed, despair, agony, suffering, none of these are big enough, they describe nothing. They're place holders.

When I say "I'm depressed" I don't expect someone to understand because the words are too small for the feeling. When I say "I feel like most of me is dead and I'm dragging the pieces on string behind me , like cans tied to a dogs tail, cruel and loud and heavy and scary, designed to slow me down like hands from the river styx reaching for me, clawing at my clothes and ankles, cooing for me to slow down or stop and join the pieces I drag, to rest for awhile, maybe forever, because it's so exhausting to trudge along with only small pieces left and no way to put them all together again" I don't expect someone to hear me, I expect them to be afraid. Ask me if I'm alright, if I need a doctor, if I'm exaggerating. Always exaggerating. Surely it can't feel exactly that way. And it doesn't, not always, not all the time.

Sometimes I feel like air. Like how rain rounds as it patters down the side of a tent when you're camping in the middle of the woods and the world is so quiet, everything is muffled but this one sound, and it's cool and soothing and all around and it fills your mind, your whole body. Like how you'd imagine clouds feel, fuzzy and not present completely, too light to hold, too soft to comprehend, floating away and above it all, buoyed by light and sailing on gentle blues. Sometimes I feel like I'm made of electricity, my whole body is shaking, glitching, not full in one space at a time, always a piece a little to the left or right, always slightly out of frame, unable to keep still, so wobbly and wiggly and made of soap bubbles. These are all things people would call joy for me. All different types of happiness and excitement and love. And not even all the different ways I feel it, just a few. And they think "happy" is big enough? That elation would do instead?

They said I was lying, or just simply wrong, that feelings don't feel that way. And I was confused. If they feel that way to me, and this is the best I can do with the words I have to explain how I feel, than how can that not be right? how can I be wrong about myself? Why were they always so angry at how I felt, no matter what I felt?

They wondered why I stopped talking. After awhile, not explaining anything any more, just being quiet with myself. I stopped feeling. If my feelings were wrong, inherently, in some way, then I shouldn't feel them. I should feel how they say I'm supposed to, how others feel things. But my feelings are too big. To crop them down and shove them into shapes and colours they're supposed to be, it makes them not a feeling anymore. So they went away. Most of them, anyway. You can imagine the one that stayed. What else are you supposed to feel when everyone tells you there's something wrong with you to your core? Of course it's what stayed with me. And for years, that's all there was. I got hints, sure. Glimmers of the feelings they said were wrong and too big. the coat tails of excitement, numbed down to a dull yellow, five letter word. They weren't enough to live off of.

And one day, someday, a normal ordinary day of boxes and fitting in and dull colours, someone asked "how?". In a moment of weakness ot the question "How are you" I answered as close to honestly as I had in years.

"On fire," I said. and of course they looked at me, bewildered and confused. how could I feel like I was on fire, when I had never been set on fire and was currently very much not on fire and I appeared to them, for all the world, completely neutral? maybe even happy, by the smile I was always told to wear still plastered on my face. I look mean when I'm not smiling, I sound rude when I'm not actively being chipper and bright. I'm not likeable when I'm just myself.

"How so?" they asked. The first person to ever ask for detail, for a bigger word, a better set of words. I tried to back peddle, what else was I to do? No one asks for more, they ask for less. They would regret their curiosity. Or maybe it wasn't curiosity and I just thought it was. I often thought something was one way but it was another. I don't know how to tell the difference and no one will explain. I don't think they can explain. But they asked again, so I told them.

I feel like I'm on fire. The world is too hot, it bites and scratches and pulls at my skin, my fingers and hands and feet are blackened from touching things and people, from walking on coals and holding charcoal in my hands. Everything hurts, my muscles are screaming, my bones are trying to escape my body, crackling and crying and snapping like the branches on a spruce as it goes up in flame all at once. My head is full of snapping coals, popping logs being dried as quickly as they burn, black smoke from plastic tossed into the pit, I can't see or think or feel anything but this. It's all over, it's full of me and eaten everything and there's nothing left right now. I'm just fire.

I expected the normal answers. The uncomfortable side looks, the creeping away, the dismissive hand waving. Anything but the words "Wow, that's pretty big, how do you manage all that?". BIG! Big like all of me. Loud like all of me. Bright like me! Someone heard how I felt and agreed it was too much for just one little me. How did I deal with it? pfft.

"I don't," I said "It's too big, I try not to think about it" and they nodded and, in real life, in the real present world, offered me a glass of water. Cold with little cubes of ice, the type that's good for chewing on, in a cup of paper because glass might break. And the fire went down. I drank the water and the fire didn't go away but it got smaller, smaller to see, small enough to clear the smoke enough to think clearly for the first time in years. we didn't say anything else to each other. I honestly haven't seen them in years. It was such an out of pocket, wild thing to do. To listen to a madmans ramblings about fire and then offer him water, how insane.

How kind.

My feelings are still too big for me. My body is bigger than it was back then, but it's still too small for all of me. I still feel compelled to contain it. To fit them into shapes and colours I was told they are supposed to be, to make them smaller, bite sized for the people around me. Sometimes, I do that. Most of the time, I don't, not anymore. It gets me in trouble. I get yelled at, cursed out, abandoned. People I love get frustrated with me because my feelings don't look the same as theirs and they just don't understand. They've stopped listening when I explain how I feel in the only way I know how. With rambling poetry and movement and tears and laughter, no matter how misplaced they may seem to others, it's all I have. I'm too much for everyone, but I shouldn't be too much for me. I don't think my body will ever be able to hold all that I am, there's a lot to fit into such a small thing. Oceans can't be bottled and put on a shelf, the clouds can't be boxed and put away, all the stars in the sky can't fit inside a jar. So I ignore the compulsion as best I can. I am big, too big for everyone and everything, but I'm not hurting anyone by being that way. I can still pick my words carefully, I can still be gentle, I can still try to meet someone halfway. I can try to be calm for other people, when i need to, because that's what people do for each other. I can offer water to fires. And I can still feel too big at the same time.

[ryomaandgundhamkin]

You can… just ignore the first few lines. I didn’t mean to be so immature. I don’t mean to be the way I am. Im just like this, and I don’t want you dealing with this. I don’t want anyone dealing with this. Me, just… spiraling into depression. Please give me your feedback on this. I just want everyone to know that I’m totally ungrateful sometimes and that I don’t expect you to forgive me. For anything. And I’m just… a pain to everyone I know. See- this is what you get when you leave me alone with a fucking unattended cellular device. I just want you to know that I’m probably not the best person you think I am. Im just… me, and I don’t want anyone dealing with that. The me that I am is… terrible. Horrible. Selfish. Self-centered. Rude. Unsatisfied. Ugly. Disgusting. And I don’t want to influence behavior like that to everyone who looks up to me. Everyone who compliments my art. So a few times I’ve been contemplating suicide. But I don’t want anyone to worry. I know some people will miss me. But I’m sure the day will come and I’ll be remembered for all the wrong reasons. Please, please, please don’t make a big deal out of this. And I’m sorry I’m being so depressed today, I’ll probably be in a better mood tomorrow. I don’t want you dealing with a emo version of me, at anytime. So I’ll just hide my feelings and play the character I’ve always known to be. I’ll be more happy, for everyone’s sake. And I hope that makes you relieved knowing that. And I know this was such a small simple problem and I didn’t mean for that to get involved with… all of this chaos. I guess I just… i don’t know. But I’m so sorry I’m so demanding and so rude and forceful and selfish. I’ll try to improve for everyone’s sake. And if I don’t, I’ll just have to kill myself for it. Also, sorry for sounding like an angsty 16 year old. I probably would’ve written this down anywhere else but… I’m just sorry for putting this all on you. I don’t want your pity— I don’t DESERVE your pity. I just want everyone to know I’m sorry for everything bad I’ve done. Im terrible to everyone, and I definitely owe my friends an apology. I don’t expect ANYONE to forgive me. And I don’t want you thinking I’m over exaggerating with this. So, I’m sorry for being the way I am. I don’t want you to satisfy my needs. I need you to. And I don’t want anyone to feel pressured into my false sense of reality. I don’t want to make ANYONE uncomfortable. I just want you to know that I’ll be nicer from now on… or I’ll try to, at least. I’m sorry I’m not the best person. I’m sorry I’m not who you think I am; who you think I’m going to be. I’m sorry for making such a big deal about this, again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry. For everything. For everyone I’ve hurt. I don’t expect anything in turn for this. I’m sorry. I’m just… different. One of my main requirements to live is praise, and I want it. I need it. But I won’t want to pressure anyone to believing that I’m a terrible person. I don’t want to ruin my reputation. I want to get along with people. I want to be apart of a community. I don’t want to be criticized because of anything, especially this. Just ignore my rambling, and I promise I’ll post more art. I’ll overwork myself for you. I’ll skip studying. I just…. I’m sorry. I’m terrible. But I don’t want anyone to have been impacted by such a stupid, STUPID fucking thing. But I just really need a hug honestly. I’m going through too much honestly. I’m overworking myself— and for what? Your approval? I don’t want anyone to get involved with this conflict. I don’t want anyone to have to feel the same way I am. So please, if you will, forgive me for being terrible. Forgive me. I’m sorry about all this. I’m sorry. And after all this, I still don’t deserve your pity, I’m not trying to get a reaction out of anyone. This isn’t a stupid fucking prank. Just… ignore me for all I care. I’m sorry. Have a good day/night.

GIVE @cannibaleclipseau HEADCANON ASKS ASK THE CHARACTERS ANYTHING IT CAN BE UNHINGED IDC JUST LIKE DHCHCHXHXJXH👹👹‼️‼️ ARGHGHDJDHXHD JUST SEND ME ANYTHING TO THERE… BRO I GET FREAKKNG 1 NOTIFICAGION ON THERE EVERY DAY. 😨 YES IT IS A ASKBLOG YES IT IS A RPBLOG YES IT IS VERY MUCH INACTIVE … you running out of ask ideas?? YOU CAN ASK BM, MOON, SUN OR ECLIPSE ANYTHING (maybe not the others but uh)… JUST. AGDUUDUDUFJCJDH 💔 please I fucking love attention guys. IM SORRY IM LIKE THIS BUT… please? one fucking ask is all I’m asking gays 😼… Like I GET ITS WIP BUT LIKE YOU CAN FIND OUT LORE IF YOU ASK… IDFC about my 100 other WIPS I have, I have way too much free time to just be getting off to fucking cai/j. 💀 call me fucking selfish I deserve it but dude it’s a fucking deserted island in my au blog. Am I not meeting up to your expectations? JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IM DOING WRONG‼️ please you can be honest i swear. Like… i love you guys don’t get me wrong but im sorry im like this. im fucking needy and my satisfaction lasts fucking 1 millisecond 🤩!! JUST. Tell me what you want from me. And you shall receive. FUCK SCHOOL at this point. Im throwing away my social and emotional life for this stupid fucking art career. and for what..? am I really even that good. 💀 … listen I’m sorry for being such a bitch right now but i know I’m a fucking terrible person and I just want you to forgive me on that, I fucking require attention to live or ill never be satisfied. You can vote for the deletion of the blog if you want, it’s not even a big deal… 😨 all im asking is one ask and I’ll be satisfied I swear, thanks. I’m so sorry I’m like this and that you have to deal with me being such a… pain. might as well just delete it huh. I mean it was already painful to constantly be on Deviantart, what’s different? I’m destroying my life doing… everything. I WILL NOT FUCKING GET OVER HOW MUCH I AM DEDICATED TO THIS THING I KNOW WILL RUIN MY LIFE EVEN MORE, no matter how many times you convince me🤩… and I’m tired. I’m just really tired. I usually don’t write anything like this online and post it because I don’t want anyone here dealing with my emo self-hatred crap. So I’m really sorry, about everything I’ve done. All I’m asking is an ask and I won’t kill myself‼️/hj. but this whole thing mentally gets really bad for me, and I can get really suicidal but I just pretend I’m fine. I’m really sorry for asking so much of everyone, and I just want everyone to know that I am so so so grateful for all of the support I’ve gotten from my followers, moots and everyone. Be honest and tell me my au is shit. Yes I agree okay. I’m sorry I’m so terrible, I know I’m a terrible person. I don’t want to seem like I’m overreacting with this. Please don’t think of me differently because of this, I’m sorry I’m typing all of this out for everyone to read. I’m sorry you have to deal with me rambling about something so simple that I could’ve just… simply asked about. Like I know I probably sound so selfish and attention-seeking because… that’s just who I am, I’m sorry. But I don’t really care at this point, I’m just… like this 😇. And I hate that I’m reflecting this on everyone who looks up to me. So please… Im sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m actually so sorry about all of this, and me making such a big fucking deal out of a SIMPLE PROBLEM. If you think I should do anything differently, please tell me. I’d be glad to listen to any feedback you have. But for now… I hope I can get along with everyone on both blogs. And I understand that my other blog won’t MAGICALLY blow up the next morning I make it. So I’m sorry for being so annoying, so self-centered and so… selfish. I’ve never really… cared about any of you guys. But I don’t want to come off as rude, that I’m using you even if I am. Im sorry im like this way, im sorry im such a terrible and selfish person. I’m sorry i just… get so emotional when i do this shit. Please don’t take this that seriously. And please don’t judge me for being so immature. I am so very grateful to everyone, but I’m sorry I’m like this. Bye.

[wonderlustlucas]

home - hwang hyunjin

⇢ prompt “I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure.” ⇢ pairing hyunjin x female reader ⇢ word count 2.7k ⇢ genre fluff, kind of angsty? ⇢ warnings insinuated that this takes place during covid & that reader has some case of depression/anxiety i literally wrote her as me so like ⇢ summary In which Hyunjin shows you just how special you are.—college!au ⇢ a/n happy birthday to my love, my comfort, my home

What am I doing here?

Unfortunately, there is no one else to blame but herself for being left without plans on this Friday night. Regretfully so, she instead finds herself alone on the upper level of the business building. Scratch that, the whole building, probably – she’s been here since four, and the few students that were once alongside her left hours ago. Initially here to work on an essay, she now occupies her time bouncing between YouTube, Twitch, and Crunchyroll, watching whatever she is feeling at the moment despite Monday’s deadline looming over her.

Sighing, she looks away from a boring page of YouTube recommendations, stretches her neck, and reaches for her hot chocolate. Well, not hot anymore, she realizes with a wince after taking a sip, struggling to swallow the now cold drink. Gaze flicking to the time on the corner of her laptop, she frowns. 9:43. She considers walking home once it hits ten, the unstirred silence of the building starting to prick up her spine like needles. Home, she thinks with an amused exhale from her nose. A too small, overheated double dorm room that technically is a single now that her roommate has gone online for the rest of the semester. Home.

She wonders, briefly, if anyone were to miss her if she were to go home home. If anyone would even notice, anyway.

She wouldn’t expect them to, honestly. It’s not as if she goes out of her way to hang out with anyone, usually opting to cozy up in her room and pretend she does not see the groupchat blowing up with plans to meet at the dining hall, a study session at the library, a trip to the mall. She loves her friends, really, but can rarely find it in herself to actually participate in said friend activities. Sure, there are some nights she actually leaves the confines of her room to join them, but to be quite frank, she’s glad they have learned to simply stop inviting her. Makes the whole looking for an excuse problem a lot easier.

Besides, who would want to go out on a night like this, anyway?

Just as she has flipped to page fifty-three of The Old Man and the Sea, she looks away in boredom, instead opting to gaze out the window. Focusing past her reflection on the tall glass pane, a warm feeling she can only describe as peace seems to settle over her, watching the snow fall like moonlit glitter across campus. The snowstorm had started light when she first arrived, soft enough she could manage with her hood down, dotting her with only miniature droplets of water. Now, though, the flakes are so large she can focus on one at a time as they fly past, covering the ground with a solid two or three inches at this point. In the distance, she can spot snowplows making their rounds to clear the pathways, the route to the business building already turned slushy blue as salt melts the continuous snow.

She sighs, eyes wide like a child as she represses the urge to go outside and grab a handful of it, maybe fall onto one of the lawns and make a snow angel, stick her tongue out and try to catch one of the large flakes. Tomorrow, maybe, she thinks, looking at her grey sweatpants and deciding walking back with soaked pants in this weather would not be the best idea.

So late into March, she cannot help but chuckle at the number of students complaining about the snow and cold temperature on SnapChat, even her friends having to change their plans. She, on the other hand, finds such last chance snowstorm beautiful; sure, she was ready for spring and eventually a break from school, but watching the snow dancing under the streetlights, choreographed by the gentle wind, she thinks it’s something to hold on to, keep her grounded to reality that albeit the stress and monotony of college, such moments like these still exist.

She jumps at the sound of the front entrance slamming closed.

Who the hell? She frowns, annoyed at whoever decided now was a good time to come inside, subsequently ruining her little moment of serenity. Turning red at the thought of some raunchy couple thinking to spice things up in the presumably empty building, she considers packing her bag and heading out. But no matter which exit, they would still see her, and that would be painstakingly awkward. Maybe she could escape into one of the smaller reservation rooms, or at least make some exaggerated noise so they at least know they’re not alone.

Could just be a janitor, or maybe someone else deciding to shelter somewhere other than their dorm to buckle down and do some work, she thinks. No matter who it is and what their intentions are, her leg is already bouncing a mile a minute having gotten used to having the space to herself.

So caught up on how or when she should take her leave, she does not hear the footsteps coming up the stairs until they’re right behind her. Tensing up, she watches in the window’s reflection as the business building’s second occupant steps up onto the platform and… heads towards her. Panic setting in, she tries to decipher who it is through the blurry reflection but to no avail, heart racing at the thought of a stranger approaching her, one of her friends finding her here on a Friday night, a janitor going to ask her to leave.

She turns her head as soon as they stop beside her.

“Hyunjin?” She blurts, taken aback. This was the last person she expected to be here. Somewhat relieved but heart still beating in her throat, she blinks up at the tall boy to make sure it’s really him, brows furrowed in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“I should be asking you the same thing,” he returns, pulling his mask down below his chin and smiling cheekily at her. “I went to go pick up my food and saw you in the window,” Hyunjin explains, tugging the beanie off his head and shaking his hair out, showering her in the tiny droplets. Wrinkling her nose, she takes notice of the Chipotle bag in his hand and how soaked his coat is.

“Here,” she offers, reaching for the bag. Passing it to her with a grateful smile, Hyunjin unzips his coat and sets it over a chair beside her alongside his beanie, wipes the melted snow and sweat from his eyes, and tries to fix his now mused bangs. “So, what are you doing here?” He asks while doing this, regarding her with an amused glint in his eyes.

“Work,” she sighs. Then, glancing to the screen of her laptop and realizing it’s still the home page of YouTube, she grimaces. “Trying to do work. Not really. Just watching the snow.”

“It’s a lot prettier when you’re inside,” Hyunjin comments, following her gaze to watch the frenzy of snow before taking the bag from her and offering a quiet thanks. “But I meant more why are you here?”

She isn’t quite sure what her relationship with Hyunjin is. Having been one of the many acquaintances she barely made at freshman orientation, he did not seem like the kind of person she expected to still be in her life. She wouldn’t exactly say they were close, but she considers Hyunjin a friend, she thinks. After a good month or two forgetting he existed, she randomly bumped into him at the dining hall, recognizing that unfairly attractive face of his in line for chicken nuggets and immediately falling into conversation. Turns out, he was mutual friends with her lab partner, Kim Seungmin.

She does not see Hyunjin as much as she wishes she did. She had not shared any classes with him in the past three years, and even if her friend group and his overlapped in the slightest, it was not always a given that they both would be able to hang out as much as their closer friends do. Still, there always seems to be a random occasion, such as now, where they bump into one another. Each time is a pleasant surprise, of course, and not just because of his pretty face and wide shoulders, but because he has always seemed to care for her in a way no one else does, and that in itself is enough to have her heart racing every time he comes close.

Not that she has a crush on him or anything, but it definitely is hard trying not to fall in love every time he even so much as smiles at her.

Face heating up in embarrassment at his question, she avoids looking him in the eyes and randomly minimizes the Chrome tab on her laptop. “You know,” she drones on, “just taking it easy for the night.”

Hyunjin hums in agreement, opening the lid of his burrito bowl and stabbing a fork into the layers. Even her mouth waters. “I feel like I never see you,” he contemplates, finally taking a bite. His words surprise her. “Uh, yeah,” she coughs, forcing herself to look away before she gets too enraptured over how beautiful he looks even after trekking through a snowstorm, long hair messy but falling over his face in a way that has her fingers twitching to tuck away. “I usually don’t go out with everyone. Not my scene.”

“Aw,” he coos, “I get that. Sometimes I’m the same way, I just want to relax on the weekends after working so much all week.”

Thank you!, she almost shouts, but bites her tongue. She agrees, but even she does not know why she can’t find it in herself to go out and party with everyone else. She’s just lazy, to put it simply. Nevertheless, his words put her at ease, no longer worried that he might think she’s a loser for staying in every weekend.

“Exactly,” she agrees, “parties are fun, sometimes. But I just prefer laying low. I don’t think my friends like that, though.”

Gaze finding his, her heart does somersaults at the smile he offers. “Nah,” Hyunjin says, confident, “no one thinks that. Everyone has their way of having fun. Honestly, all I’ve ever heard is your friends complaining how they miss you and that you would make going out more fun since you’re so funny.”

“Which is true, by the way,” he adds.

She feels as if she is going to combust. “Oh,” she croaks, throat dry, “um, thank you. That’s sweet of them. And you. I guess I didn’t consider that they miss me when they go out.”

Hyunjin scoffs, raising a brow but finishes chewing before speaking again. “Are you nuts? You’re so fun to be around, of course they’re going to miss you.”

��Okay, stop that,” she laughs, burning from the inside out at his compliments. “Just being honest,” he laughs, opening the bag of his tortilla chips. “Want any?”

She looks at him with wide eyes. “Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure.”

“Okay,” she huffs out an airy laugh, rolling her chair closer to his. Miscalculating that he was going to move, too, she quite literally feels her blood pressure skyrocket as her knees bump into his. And he doesn’t move. “Here,” moving the bag closer to the edge of the table, Hyunjin glances at her for only a split second before focusing on his bowl again.

Reaching into the bag, she feels emboldened not only by his previous flattery, but his proximity as well, and scrambles to continue the conversation. “Why are you eating Chipotle so late?”

“Pre-birthday celebration. Also, DoorDash took forever,” Hyunjin laughs.

“When’s your birthday?” She asks, munching on a chip.

“In,” he pauses, tapping his phone, “two hours.”

Oh. “What?” She gasps, blinking at him. “What? Why aren’t you out? It’s your birthday weekend and you’re here eating Chipotle?”

“Woah, okay Miss I-Prefer-Laying-Low. Maybe I wanted to chill tonight, since tomorrow I’m going out? Hm?” Hyunjin chuckles at her scowl, pursing his lips. “Okay, yeah, I guess but—”

“No but’s,” he interrupts, the amused glint in his eyes disappearing, “I’m here now, and that’s what matters, right? I’m lucky I saw you in the window.”

“I guess,” she mutters, realizing her heart has not stopped its staccato frenzy since moving closer, “you scared me, by the way. I’ve been here alone for hours and suddenly someone is walking up to me, I think I shit my pants.”

Hyunjin bellows out a laugh, and such an airy sound momentarily leaves her awestruck. Oh, god, she’s in deep. It’s over.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he giggles, battling her hand to reach for a chip. Even the touch of his long fingers against hers has the entire butterfly population roaring to life in her gut. “Look, I made up for it by gifting you chips.”

“True,” she hums, licking residue salt off her fingers before leaning back in her chair to catch a breather. Too much physical contact and emotion for one night.

“What are you doing next weekend?” Hyunjin asks, taking her by surprise. Again. She thinks she is going to faint if she isn’t able to wrap herself around him within the next fifteen seconds.

“Um,” she starts, then remembers her previous idea of going home after this week was over. “I was probably going to go home next Friday.”

“Oh,” is all Hyunjin says, seemingly disappointed. “Why?”

She grits her teeth. Why? Really? “I don’t know,” she shrugs, not even convinced herself, “I’m bored and lonely here. I love everyone here but I miss my friends at home. I might as well be slightly less bored at home.” Hyunjin frowns.

“Okay, what about this,” he starts, leaning close enough she can count his individual eyelashes and nearly smell the flavor of his lip balm, “you go out with us tomorrow night and if you have fun, you hang out with us next weekend, too. Oh, and whenever you want some company, you text me and we’ll come here or somewhere else and do homework together or just chill. How does that sound?”

All she can do is blink at him. Her initial thought is how dare he try negotiating whether I go home or not? But, there it is, again, she realizes. That extra step he takes, the genuine care he shows her, acting like her well-being is his responsibility. “You don’t have to do that, Hyunjin. I don’t want to bother you every time I feel lonely. I’ll be fine.”

“Christ, you’re dense,” rolling his eyes, Hyunjin sets his fork down, wipes his hands on his thighs, and suddenly leans in to hold her face with both hands, “I wouldn’t offer to sit around and do homework with you when you’re in need of a friend if I didn’t want to.”

Her heart is racing so fast she fears he may be able to hear the thud of it against her chest. What he’s saying is starting to sound a lot more than some friend-to-friend comfort, and it’s making her head hurt, especially with his thumbs ever so slightly swiping against her cheeks. At her silence, he starts again.

“Y/N,” he says, voice dropping an octave, “don’t go home. This is your home, too, you just don’t want it to be.”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she thinks she is going to say something, but nothing comes out. There is nothing to say. Hyunjin is right, he has read her like an open book, and he’s here to offer his shoulder to lean on. “Okay,” she whispers, “I’ll go out with everyone tomorrow. And I’ll try and stay here for the rest of the semester.”

“That’s my girl,” Hyunjin smiles, leaning closer and pressing a featherlight kiss to her lips. At first, it takes her by surprise. But then it all starts to make sense. The snow makes sense. Her essay makes sense. Being here makes sense. Hyunjin makes sense. His birthday makes sense. She makes sense.

Outside the glass windows, the wind starts to howl, blowing the composed ballet of snow to its final act, covering the pathways and the streetlights and the roof of the business building in perfect white glitter. Inside these windows, she realizes they would notice if she were to go home.

Why would she ever do that when her second home is right here in front of her?

[sarahjtv]

BNHA Chapter 301 Spoiler Thoughts: Pain, More Pain, Extra Pain, EVERYTHING HURTS

I had to wait until the summary for this chapter came out to get my thoughts across and holy shit, my dudes...  This chapter is so, so deep and adds a lot more to the Todoroki family than I thought possible.  I’m still thinking about all of it as I’m typing this.  But, writing is how I process things sometimes, so I hope this helps all of us:

The chapter starts off with a flashback to when Enji (I’m calling Endeavor by his real name here so long as we’re dealing with his family) proposing to marry Rei to Rei and her family.  Rei is aware of the whole “Quirk Marriage” thing, but she accepts the proposal much to her family’s delight.  What’s surprising here is that it’s implied that Enji expected Rei to say “No”.  I’m honestly kind of shocked here too.  

One, I thought because of the whole eugenics thing that Rei and her family would be taken aback by this.  Back in the Sports Fest. Arc, I believe Shoto implied the that Endeavor bought Rei’s hand in marriage with money (it’s been a LONG time, so please correct me on this if I’m wrong).  But they were actually ok with the idea of having Rei be married to a top hero like Endeavor.  Rei seemed more reluctant though the fact that she said “Yes” maybe implies that she had legitimate feelings of love for Enji before shit hit the fan.

Edit: Ok, the fan translations are out.  It’s said that Rei did this for the sake of her family.  I still think she at least started to have legit feelings of love for Enji at some point.

Two, Enji didn’t expect Rei to accept his proposal.  We all know that Enji’s intention was to have a kid that had a Quirk that possessed both fire and ice so that the kid could surpass All Might.  Maybe Enji was looking for other women with ice Quirks before Rei and all of them before her turned him down.  So when Rei accepted, Enji was shocked that someone agreed to what was basically his plan for the future.

The next page shows Enji and Rei on a walk in the park Rei looks at her favorite flowers and Enji asks if she likes them to which Rei says “yes”.  Enji comments on how strong yet fragile Rei is.  It’s such a small scene, but it tells the story so well visually.  I can’t explain it well here, but I think this is where Enji started to see Rei as more of a person to love than something that can help achieve his goal.  

Back to the present real quick, we go back to Rei confronting Enji.  She came to see him because things are not okay and they need to face their family’s tragedy head on.  At the same time, Dabi is reflecting on his life and doing his iconic monologuing about how he loved seeing Enji suffer.  He wants the rest of his family to see how he suffered too.  This further establishes how much Dabi wants to see his father be destroyed mentally.  He wants him to reap everything he sewed.  I’ll be damned if Dabi’s plan didn’t work.  Also, Dabi is shown crying blood again as the panel transitions to the Todoroki household with the blood tear seeping into the next panel.  God, I love Horikoshi’s panel structuring A+ stuff.

Back to the past, Enji stopped training little Touya.  His fire Quirk was getting stronger, but so was the ice part of his body.  Touya’s body was meant for the cold, but his fire Quirk counteracts that.  So, Touya’s ultimately harming himself.  This reveals to us that Enji didn’t really stop training Touya because he wasn’t the “perfect specimen” for his plan.  It was mainly because Enji cared about Touya enough that he didn’t want his son to harm himself anymore than he already has.  Enji abused his kids and wife, sure, but he wasn’t always a bad man.  He did love his family before something snapped.

Also, real quick, but there’s a panel that shows Touya’s hair getting progressively whiter.  Specifically the left side of his head.  He looks like the opposite of Shoto actually and I bet you money that that was done on purpose.  Symbolism, my friends.

The next panels shows little Touya and Fuyumi (AWWW 🤍) talking a bit.  Touya’s upset that their dad won’t train him anymore while Fuyumi just doesn’t want her brother to get hurt.  Touya says that girls wouldn’t understand (he’s a kid here, so I’ll let this slide).  It hurts to see how Touya misunderstand the situation here.  I think he ultimately wanted to have love and acceptance from his father via training to make Enji proud.  But training only caused Touya pain.  Pushing Touya away for his own safety ended up making things worse.

I actually can’t describe what happens next (I've seen the panel, but it hasn’t been translated fully yet), but it has something to do with Rei trying to convince Enji not to do something in particular because it would be too cruel.  Touya continued to train alone and he kept getting scars on his skin every day because his ambitions are just as strong as Enji’s.  He didn’t know when to give up.  In the end, Enji knew that Touya couldn’t surpass All Might and he tried to get Touya to give up his ambitions so that he would stop hurting himself.  I think this is where Enji’s drive to have a kid to surpass All Might started to take over his love for his family.  I want to comment more on this part, but I think I’ll have to wait until the full chapter comes out.  I’ll add an edit when I read it.  It’s a painful, sad page regardless and I want to cry 😢.

Edit: Ok, I’ve read the translations for this page and it’s still not entirely clear what “cruel idea” Rei and Enji are talking about here.  The best I can take I can think from this is that Enji did think that having more kids would solve the problem; it would help Touya give up the idea of surpassing All Might.  The panels get darker and darker too, which shows how dark all this has become.  

Next, Natsuo is born and he was so ADORABLE!!! 💙  Fuyumi looked so happy to have a little brother ❤️  But, Touya looks devastated; like he’s been replaced again.  My heart hurts so bad for this kid.  All he wanted was his father’s attention, but Enji seemed to have moved on from him and had more kids instead.  Almost like having more kids would solve the problem... ugh...

As time goes on, Enji gets angrier at All Might’s success (btw, seeing All Might drawn in his buff form again makes me nostalgic) and Rei becomes more fearful.  The summary states that Rei stopped “looking” at Enji at some point.  I think this is the point where Enji drive to create a perfect child completely took over his life and his family’s lives.  Even so, I think we need an explanation of when exactly Enji snapped and changed into the abusive man we all knew and how that exactly came to be.  We got hints in this chapter, but I think we need a full explanation.

AND SHOTO WAS BORN HE WAS BABY 💙🥺😭 Crying into the world he came into like most newborns do.  I want to love him and take care of him 💙💙💙 Look, Shoto’s my favorite character in the series and we need some good vibes in this depressing chapter, so please let me have this.

But, my god.  The faces on Enji, Rei, and Touya are haunting.  I honestly can’t really describe it.  It’s just so unsettling.  Enji looks like he’s glad he’s finally “created” the perfect child, Rei looks exhausted, and Touya is even more devastated than before.  The panel lines are all distorted too which drives the mood home.

Touya continues to train on his own to prove himself to his father.  He’s burning himself more and he looks like he’s loosing his mind.  I’m not exaggerating; Touya actually looks like he’s going crazy.  Enji is tying to convince Touya that they’re more to the world than being a hero like playing with his siblings and making friends at school.  But, Touya can’t because, as he says, “I’m your son”.  Despite Enji probably focusing primarily on getting ready to train Shoto at this point, he still cared enough about Touya to where he wanted him to have a life outside of heroism.  Though that could also be because, again, he’s turned his focus on Shoto instead (this family is a mess).  And Touya being so driven to have his father pay attention to him is heartbreaking.  No kid should have to go through this.

And then he activates his Quirk to attack baby Shoto.  Lil’ Fuyumi’s protecting Lil’ Natsuo and Rei is holding onto Lil’ Shoto 😭.  Rei wants to help cool him down with her Quirk, but Touya “fire” Enji lit can’t be put out.  Touya’s too far gone.  He even stops calling Enji “father”; he says “look at me, Endeavor” instead.  Everything about this makes me sad, man.  Touya’s love for his father turned into what he thought was abandonment, which turned into mad jealousy for his baby brother.  Though Enji did light Touya’s fire, it was Touya himself who ultimately drove himself insane.  Touya helped create Dabi, it wasn’t all Enji Todoroki’s doing.

And finally, the flashback ends with Rei stating that Enji isn’t the only who’s suffered, but he’s also not the only one who didn’t look at Touya.  This implies that Rei shares the blame for letting Touya turn into Dabi.  I do wonder what Rei didn’t do that helped Touya’s transformation.  I doubt she neglected him entirely, but maybe she wasn’t paying attention to him as much because of her other kids and her declining mental state. I can’t comment on this very much with the lack of details, but i do hope things get answered soon.

Edit: I’ve thought about this a bit more.  Rei was/is a good mother and she’s a badass in her own right.  She never meant to harm her kids.  But, based on that dark panel before about Enji thinking of a way to get Touya to give up the idea of being  a hero, Rei did agree to Enji’s plan in the end.  She decided to have more kids with him until they got the perfect child in Shoto.  Why did she agree, we don’t know.  That detail isn’t there just yet.  I bet we’ll get it in Pt. 2.  Again, Rei isn’t a bad person, but she did play a part in Touya’s downfall.  Which, of course, makes things all the more sad. 

Lastly, it’s stated that Rei came from a prestigious and noble family called Himura.  It’s a small detail, but it’s shows that Shoto and his siblings basically came from royalty.  Ha, Shoto really is a prince 👑!  It would explain those damn good Todoroki genes 😳😍.  Oh, and the kanji for “Hi” in Himura means icicle, ice, hail, freeze, etc. so Horikoshi’s playing with names again.  

Quick Edit: Turns out this part with Rei’s maiden name is actually at the VERY BEGINNING of the chapter LOL.  Either the image leaks got scrambled or the summary found this panel last.  Whoops...

Hoo boy, I think that’s it.  Really heavy chapter full of more layers and details about the Todoroki family that we didn’t get before.  This is honestly one of the best storylines in the series and I’m so glad to see it come back to the forefront again.  Horikoshi has handled this particular story so, so damn well I can’t help but be impressed.  I think, ultimately, the Todoroki family fell apart and became more and more tragic over time.  Amazingly, it wasn’t entirely Enji’s fault like we originally thought.  Yes, he was a big reason as to why everything happened the way it did.  His redemption does not excuse his years of abuse and neglect towards Shoto, Rei, and Touya especially.  But, Touya and maybe even Rei had a part in this.  I hope whatever Rei did or didn’t do isn’t so bad that we immediately put her into a bad light.  I hope it boils down to “she’s human”.  Though, Touya did ultimately drive himself to insanity.  He didn’t accept his father’s suggestion to stop training.  He only pushed himself further to the point of jealousy.  God, he tried to kill baby Shoto at one point.  We can dissect this family’s story for months and still find something new.  This chapter was called “Mischief of Fire - Part 1″ which means we’re definitely getting more.  I’m going to sit here and process all this in the meantime.  Anyone got any ice cream to go with my tears and pain from BNHA angst?

[five-rivers]

Long Night in the Valley Chapter 4

Trigger warning for suicide and suicide baiting.  Starts and ends at the * asterisks.  

.

There was something wrong with the school.  Other than it being entirely within Midoriya’s head.  It was… ominous.  Foreboding.  The way the walls joined together was wrong.  The colors on the posters clashed.  The incomprehensible background noise made by the bright blurs was jeering, mocking.

It reminded Aizawa too much of his old school, the one he went to before UA.  Of the looks and the hate he got just because his quirk frightened people.

But Midoriya had a straightforward physical quirk.  Correction: he appeared to have a straightforward physical quirk.  Even if he’d had the bone breaking problem, he shouldn’t have experienced anything like that.

Aizawa was shoved, hard, from behind, and that shouldn’t have knocked him off balance, but it did.  He tumbled, painfully, to the ground.  There hadn’t been anyone there to push him.

Except the blurs.

He cursed inwardly.  He had been too fast to dismiss them, he realized, as cruel laughter rose up around them.

“They can touch us,” said Aizawa.  “Be careful.”

“Yes, sir!” said Iida, sporting a black eye already.  “I apologize for my inattention.”

More laughter.  An older, but still indistinct voice rose above the sound, along with a taller blur.  A teacher.  The condescension in the tone made Aizawa’s teeth hurt.

He caught sight of Suzuki ahead.  “Come on,” he said.

“Let me try something, sensei,” said Todoroki.  He raised his arm, and ice filled the hallway, pushing out to either side.

The blurs ignored it.  The jeering increased in volume.  Aizawa could make out individual words, now, like ‘useless’ and ‘freak.’

“Good thought, Todoroki,” said Aizawa.  He tried not to let his trepidation show.  He had a feeling this was going to be difficult.

The children looked at him in horror.

“Sensei,” said Iida, “you’re being… encouraging?”

“Just follow them,” said Aizawa, pointing.  He wanted hazard pay for this nonsense.

“Yes, sir!” said Iida, zooming off.  He was immediately tripped again.

Luckily, Suzuki didn’t seem to be having much more luck.  The blurs, which Aizawa guessed were somehow Midoriya’s memories of his former classmates, were just as violent with him.  Aizawa couldn’t see Midoriya anymore.

Laughter.  One of the blurs scratched at Aizawa’s side and murmured tauntingly.  They passed a nurse’s office where nothing but cold words and cold winds emerged.  The hallways smelled like smoke and sugar and things that had to be related to quirks.

There was a loud ring overhead, and the blurs abruptly vanished.  Despite the burns Aizawa had suffered (when?) he forced himself to speed up.

He almost caught Suzuki before he entered the classroom.

Iida slipped on the tile floor, hitting him from behind, and all of them skidded into the classroom as a tangled mess.  Aizawa hadn’t been this clumsy since he was in middle school.  What was going on?

Midoriya was sitting at a desk, hunched over and muttering.  The desk was, to put it nicely, ruined.  Even from Aizawa’s current perspective, he could make out some truly hateful things carved into the wood and metal.

Aizawa dearly hoped that this was exaggerated.  Even so, he was going to seriously talk to Midoriya about therapy and taking legal action against this hellhole.

“What are you hiding?” asked Suzuki, roughly.

*

The classroom exploded into sound, blurs at the desks solidifying into outlines, into ghosts.

You’re also applying to UA, aren’t you, Midoriya?

Midoriya froze and buried his head in his arms.  Aizawa, halfway up with the intent to stop whatever this was, felt himself freeze as well.

This mindscape affected him far too much for his peace of mind.

The ghosts laughed, long and hard and cruel, the teacher did nothing to stop it.

Then Bakugou’s shade exploded.  Literally.  The smaller Midoriya barely had time to throw himself back, away from the blast.  Midoriya’s reflexes had much improved since middle school, but, honestly, even this much was impressive for someone of his age.

Come on, Deku!  Forget the crappy quirks, you’re totally quirkless!

… What?

Aizawa missed the next several sentences as his mind whirred, trying to comprehend what he just heard.  But then another explosion brought him back, and Bakugou’s next words were completely unmissable.

If you think you’ll have a quirk in your next life… go take a swan dive off the roof!

Just like that, whatever was holding them in place broke, the ghosts fading away entirely, leaving the classroom completely empty except for them and Midoriya.

Midoriya who was shaking, fists clenched, tears running down his face.

“Are you happy now?” he demanded.  “Are you happy?  Why couldn’t you just let me-?  Me being quirkless in middle school isn’t hurting anyone!”  He took several deep but uneven breaths, his shoulders trembling.

Uraraka stepped forward, and Midoriya flinched.

“Izuku?” she said, hesitantly.

Midoriya looked up, his expression guarded.

“The first thing I’m going to do when we get out of here is punch Bakugou.”  She said it cheerfully, one hand in a fist.

Midoriya gaped, but some of the oppressive, terrified, atmosphere dissipated.

Aizawa sighed to himself.  Now that the immediate danger seemed to be over, he moved closer to Midoriya.  He wasn’t sure if it was even possible to comfort a memory or a fragment or figment or whatever this was, but he wanted to be between Midoriya and Suzuki.  Especially given that Suzuki seemed to be able to manipulate the environment to some extent.

“Plus ultra,” agreed Todoroki.

“Uraraka!  Todoroki!” gasped Iida, scandalized.  “You can’t just punch a classmate outside of school supervised sparring!”

“I love you Iida, but you’re a bit of a hypocrite sometimes,” said Uraraka.  “Especially considering, uh…”  She gestured vaguely at Iida’s hands and then Midoriya’s face.

Iida turned a very funny color, then looked down at his hands.  “Oh my god, you’re right…”  He whispered, horrified.  “What have I become?”

“Besides,” said Todoroki, “Aizawa is like, right here.”  He gestured at Aizawa.  “We can ask him if we can—”

“No,” interrupted Suzuki, “that can’t be it!  Show me what you’re hiding!”  He started forward only to be jumped by three extremely annoyed hero students.  Just to be safe, Aizawa activated his quirk and kept it trained on the man.

“Mind the gun!” reminded Iida.

Ah, yes.  The gun.  Which the man may or may not have recovered at any point due to the impermanent nature of everything here.  Lovely.

“Midoriya,” said Aizawa, “he’s after you.  Get out of here.”

“Yes,” said Midoriya.  “Sorry, sensei.”  He bobbed in an incomplete bow and turned to the door.

And there was that stupid gun.

Aizawa wished he had his capture weapon back.

“What are you keeping secret?” demanded Suzuki, his voice echoing somewhat.

Midoriya clutched his head and screamed, falling to his knees.  His body vanished entirely, but the sound remained, somehow.

The classroom fell apart.

.

Very briefly, Tenya recognized Hosu.  The smoke, the alley, the distant, indistinct cries of Manual.  It wasn’t the alley where he’d found Stain standing over Native, however.  This was… this was Midoriya’s perspective.

The scene shifted again, rapidly.  They were now in the entrance tunnel to the sports festival arena.  The air smelled of smoke.  Todoroki startled, but—

It fell away.  A hallway in UA, the smell of coffee.  Then, one of the soundproofed conference rooms, papers on a table, the writing all blacked out.  Suzuki lunged for them, Aizawa punched him in the face.

Another shift, a dilapidated apartment with footprints on the walls and ceilings.  A microwave hummed in the background.  As soon as it dinged, they were elsewhere again.

Back on the beach.  The light was different.  A single car still remained and—

They were on a rooftop.

The wind blew mournfully.

Midoriya was standing at the edge, uniform in disarray, a burnt notebook clutched in one hand.

“Stop it!” he shouted, almost doubled over.  “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

Tenya took a step forward before he could fully assess the situation.  If he tried to grab Midoriya now…  There was a good chance he’d go right over the edge.

“There it is!  That smile of his is just a mask—”

“Of course, it’s a mask, you idiot!” exclaimed Midoriya, angrily.

Angrily.

Midoriya rarely got angry.

“I am clinically depressed, and I have anxiety!  That doesn’t make me a villain.  Are you stupid?  Are you on drugs?  Is the whole commission on drugs?  All Might’s smile was a mask ninety percent of the time!  And don’t you dare try to tell me that Hawks’ smile isn’t a mask.  Do you do this to him, too, you sicko?”

Suzuki had gone very stiff.  “How do you know about that?”

“Because I have functioning eyes, unlike virtually everyone else, apparently.  What is wrong with you?”

“You,” said Suzuki, “are in no position to ask questions.  What are you hiding here?”

“You really want to know?  Do you?  Do you?  Huh?”

“Midoriya—”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up, I can’t take this anymore, this is so stupid.”

This Midoriya was… also not quite right, it seemed.  Beyond age.

“You want to know why this place is a secret?  Fine.  Fine!”  He threw his hands on the air.  “This is the first and last place I seriously considered suicide.  Happy?”  The last was said with such an incredible amount of venom that everyone took a step away from Midoriya.

“Suicide?” said Tenya out loud, unable to stop himself.

“I didn’t want to—Hero courses filter stuff like that out!  If they think you’re going to be a liability!”  He was breathing heavily.  “Are you happy now?  You have my- my deep, dark secrets!  You know what- what I was like before, and—”

“Midoriya,” said Aizawa, gently, “it’s fine.  UA doesn’t filter for that.  All you would have to do is attend extra counseling.”

“Really?” said Midoriya.

*

“That can’t be it,” said Suzuki.  “You…” He whipped his head around.  “There was someone else here.  Who stopped you?  Was this where All for One recruited you?”

“What is wrong with you?” demanded Tenya, activating his quirk long enough to skid to a halt right in front of Suzuki.

Suzuki looked past him as if he weren’t even there.  “Who was with you?”

A faint breeze picked up.  Without power, can one become a hero?  No, I should think not…

“All Might?” said Uraraka.

“All Might?!” repeated Suzuki incredulously.

The scene changed in a blink.  They were in a pedestrian tunnel.

Midoriya, as disheveled and tiny as he was on the roof, leaned up against the wall, clearly wary of them in general and Suzuki in particular.

First contact… whispered a voice that dragged across Tenya’s mind like the end of a silk curtain.

“First contact?” said Suzuki.  “What is that supposed to-?”

“Hey!”

They turned to see a figure standing beyond the tunnel’s mouth, in the sunlight.  They were tall and slender, perhaps as tall as Tenya, and wearing a hoody and disposable medical mask.  The voice sounded oddly familiar, but Tenya couldn’t place it.  It sounded like the owner was about their age.

“Ha!” said Suzuki.  “This guy definitely isn’t Midoriya!  You have to admit-!”

“Are these guys bothering you?” asked the boy in the hoody.

“Yes,” said Midoriya.

“Well, don’t worry now!  Because I am here!”

“Are you… a vigilante?” guessed Tenya as the unknown boy stepped into the tunnel.  Many of them had an appreciation for All Might.

“Sure!” said the boy, cheerfully.

“Mutation-based speed enhancement,” muttered Izuku, sliding across the wall towards the boy.  “Fire and ice user.  Five-point activation mass alteration.  Quirk negation with secondary minor telekinesis.  Some kind of thought or memory manipulation, possibly a form of telempathy that allows him to alter the local environment as a side effect.  May have a truth-detection component.”

A thread of ice wound down Tenya’s back.  Even if he didn’t believe that Midoriya was a traitor, that he was giving information about them so freely to this stranger, as if they were enemies, was chilling…  Even if it did evolve that this was just a figment of his imagination…

“Ha!  It’ll take more than that to get rid of me!” said the vigilante, pointing a thumb at his chest.

If Tenya wasn’t mistaken, however, there was a bit of a wobble in his voice.

“Mass alteration can act like freefall.  No conscious control of how much mass is altered, can only reduce mass,” continued Midoriya, now hiding behind the taller boy.  “Ceiling of absolute temperature alteration from average is lower for fire than for ice.  Speed enhancement can be used to power kicks.  Mind the capture weapon.  Scarf.”

“Gotcha!”

The vigilante lunged for Suzuki and threw him bodily into Aizawa.  While the adults were recovering, the students moved to flank the stranger.  He attempted to throw Uraraka in the same way, but she got him with her quirk and he floated towards the ceiling, which he kicked off, enough power in the movement to clock Todoroki in the jaw.

Tenya attempted to apply a kick at the vigilante’s exposed but still-floating back, but was nearly stabbed in the eye with a pencil by Midoriya.

“Sorry,” said Midoriya, breathlessly.  “Sorry.  I didn’t do this for real.  I thought about it.  But I didn’t.  Sorry.”

“You thought about stabbing me in the eye?”

“No.  Muscular.  The sludge villain.  I thought—Maybe I should have.”  His muttering rapidly became unintelligible.

Tenya was distracted enough by the muttering that he took a second longer than he should have to react to Midoriya going after his bad shoulder.  The tip of the pencil dug right into it.

“Sorry, sorry, this is a dream, I know it hurts, I’m sorry.”

“Disengage!” shouted Aizawa.  “There’s no point in fighting these guys!”

“The hell there isn’t!” said Suzuki.

“Dissension among the ranks, eh, villains?” asked the vigilante.

“Hey!” complained Uraraka.  “Don’t lump us in with him!”

The vigilante, somehow, got a hold of Aizawa again.  Despite his young appearance, he had a lot more skill than Iida, or even Midoriya.

Aizawa managed to get a blow across the boy’s face, knuckles knocking his hood and mask askew, and—

He would recognize that smile anywhere.  Even if it wasn’t paired with the floppy bangs they had all come to know.

“All Might?!”

.

Toshinori tried to ignore his growing headache as he laid out supplies.  Izuku was sleeping, and they were safe for now, but it would be foolish of them to assume that the Hero Commission would just let Izuku disappear.  The infinite variety of quirks in the world all but guaranteed someone with a tracking quirk would be after them, and soon.

Thus, it behooved them to disguise themselves.  

In this day and age, the easiest way to do that was to make it look like you had a quirk other than your own.  The bulky coat he had selected included a high collar and an apparatus that covered everything below the eyes, suggesting a disturbing or difficult-to-control mutation.   Of course, he’d also have to wear sunglasses.  His eyes were unfortunately distinctive.  The hair would have to go, too.

For Izuku, though, he couldn’t stand the thought of completely cutting his hair off—it would look strange in someone so young, anyway—so instead he had retrieved the hair bleach.  White hair, combined with a suit and properly worn tie, would make him appear older.  Lifts in his shoes would add to that impression.

The computer pinged.  Toshinori went to it and made a face.  He wasn’t technologically inclined at all, but Six was and had been a different story.  The computer was old, but Six was very good, and large organizations only rarely changed their protocols.

The commission had their tracker, a young rescue hero named Trace.  She was on her way to UA.  The details of her quirk…  Yes.  They could potentially even keep her away from the safehouse, if they took the opportunity to cross their paths…  But they would have to start preparing to leave now.

Izuku woke with a gasp and an anguished cry.  The pain in it was echoed by a spike in Toshinori’s headache.

Toshinori rushed to the room.  “What’s wrong, my boy?”

“They’re not in my head anymore,” said Izuku, knotting his fingers in his hair.

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” asked Toshinori, even as he knew it wasn’t.

Izuku shook his head.  “They’re not in my head anymore.  They’re in yours.”

[thattimdrakeguy]

Why, uh, do ppl hate Tim so much? I just fell down a hole of anti tim and I can’t find a..valid reason for the hate besides that fact tht hes rich and white?

From my experience it’s one of those things where Tim has antagonistic relationships with other Bat-Family members like Damian, Jason, and even partially Steph. So they just crap on Tim, because it’ll make their favs look better.

Like that’s genuinely been the main reason I see, and they use the fact he’s rich and white to make it seem like it’s a social justice thing, even though in the end it really isn’t.

I sort of rant for the rest of the post going in more detail, and mentioning things I’ve been shown, and why I think a lot of it is dumb, but basically it’s just people being petty and insecure, and being unable to handle things in any other way than childishly.

For some Jason fans I’ve seen them talk about how much they hate Tim because they replaced the poor kid with a rich kid, but I’m really freaking poor myself. Obviously I’m not homeless, but there was a time in my life where I slept on the floor, and later on after I did have a bed my bed room had a hole in the floor. But, they’re just looking too deep into stuff just to find a problem anywhere they can.

I’ve also seen some say Tim bullied his way into being Robin after the poor kid died. When 1) that isn’t even an accurate description of what happened and 2) they’re obviously just trying to word it the worst way possible, because they’re pretty freaking childish.

Damian fans try to make Tim and his fans out to be racist cause Tim doesn’t like Damian, when that’s actually because Damian got so close to killing Tim I’m pretty sure Tim actually did nearly die from bleeding out. I think also because Tim once said “what about his biology” when referring to Damian, when Tim wasn’t referring to his race, he was referring to how he’s related to criminals and Damian literally had his biology messed with to make him a fierce warrior and a good body for Ra’s.

Steph fans also try to make Tim and his fans out to be sexist. But their reasoning is really weak, because it’s literally just boiled down to Tim being mean to Steph sometimes, but it’s not like that’s cause of her gender for that to make sense. It’s because in context she is an untrained citizens constantly putting herself and potentially others in-danger without any training to feel safe with her constantly being out there. Plus she flirted with him so much to the point it made him uncomfortable and fit the literal definition of sexual harassment.

And they always do that thing where they gotta make their favs sound better, and Tim sound worse. Which admittedly Tim fans do the same thing, but I’m not really here to pick a side. I’m just here pointing out how freaking annoying fandoms can be, because ultimately I don’t really care what fandom does it. At the moment though I can confidently say, that other fandoms are doing it a lot more than Tim ones lately, because I’m in the Tim tags at least twice a day most days and I’ve barely seen it lately.

It’s kind of a thing to project a lot of stuff on the Tim fandom for the same faux-social-justice kind of jargon they try to do. When you see it from a view like mine, where I’m not on any side of any fandom, even if I am a Tim fan (cause I never really been into deep fandom stuff), it just comes off as hypocritical frankly.

(If you want to hear some dumb things some Tim fans do to even it up, they make him the most frail, emo, emotionally unstable kid ever sometimes. They can focus way too much on making him sympathetic (but even then, literally every fandom does that, but the Tim fandom always does it in a very notable depressing way). They also focus so much on coffee and practically act like he’s all pilled up on anti-depressants he just acts weird that it just seems obsessive and very out of character.)

Like as some examples they’ll bring up how Tim doesn’t trust Damian and put him on a list of potential threats. But Damian literally nearly caused Tim’s death, nearly caused it again in the same story, and at the end it’s shown that Damian isn’t on there because Tim considers him a villain, it’s because he has potential to be dangerous. Wonder Woman and Red Tornado are also on the same list.

To me, I just look at that story as ridiculous, because Damian isn’t dumb, and Tim literally spoke against contingency plan stuff before. Damian’s going to need more than to be on a vague list as a potential threat, especially when he’s visibly on the hero side of it. Damian’s not that thinned skin. He’s got a temper, and obviously really doesn’t like Tim, but even when he felt Tim was insulting him or being patronizing to him before he didn’t try to kill him then immediately. He tried to kill him because he thought that’s what he was supposed to do to earn his place beside his father.

The story’s just dumb in-general.

And then they pull out the New 52 story where Tim is just being a dick to Damian for no good reason, but it’s the same kind of thing. Tim was never that much of a dick without being provoked. The only time I think Tim started a fight was in Red Robin where he was on pills that messed with his mental state, and again had everyone out of character regardless. Because 1) Dick wouldn’t just give away Robin from Tim, because he knows better than that. 2) Damian acts like he’s happy his dad is dead and just acts like a generic child and not even like Damian. And 3) I legitimately can’t see Tim just hitting a kid, even Damian, unless a fight already breaks out.

For Steph fans they point out how Tim is passive aggressive to her, constantly doesn’t want her to be Spoiler, and yada yada. Probably because her Batgirl run portrayed that as being mentally scarring to Steph. Even though one of the panels they chose of Tim being upset and not wanting her to be Spoiler, was after Steph caused Tim to be disfigured and on the pills that messed with his mental state to begin with. Which inadvertedly just makes her look self-centered and narcissistic. But again, I don’t even consider that in-character, because 1) I don’t buy that Steph would listen to Batman especially when it puts Tim in danger, because she never gave a crap about what Batman said till they needed to villainize her before she died. 2) Steph can be arrogant and self-centered, she has it in her, but she wouldn’t ever be that self-centered, to the point she just looks narcissistic. 3) I’m pretty sure at the actual time it happened, Steph is shown being aware she messed up. 4) Steph never cared what others thought. She trespassed on other people’s property to party. She’s a very confident person the majority of the time. Batman tells her to knock it off, she might as well flip him the bird because she just finds him more annoying than anything else. It’s literally in her origin that she doesn’t even like Batman.

There’s also the context for in the 90s when Tim first started doing it. Steph was portrayed as a reckless citizen that could potentially get herself and others into harm because she didn’t know what she was doing, and didn’t have the highest morals. That’s not anything any of the bats would encourage. If Tim was extra passive aggressive, he’s a literal thirteen to fifteen year old boy during that time, no duh he’s going to be immature. That still isn’t a sexism thing. Steph may had saved him twice, but that wasn’t portrayed even in-story as a sign she can handle it like a pro. It was always portrayed as “thank goodness she was with Tim at that time, and knew where he was to save him”. Not to say she was completely unskilled, because I’m not taking that far, but just speaking in generalizations.

She was originally added into Robin to be a very specific foil to Tim, and be a general pain in his side. That was their dynamic. If that makes it seem weird that they eventually had them date then I agree.

And at the same time for both of their characters they also ignore what the character they’re trying to defend has done, because Damian literally nearly killed Tim. They act like Tim should just get over it, because Damian was a kid in a cult, but that explains why Damian did it, it doesn’t excuse it. When something like that happens the person who was nearly killed is probably going to be traumatized (rather or not Tim was can be argued, I’m not saying he was or wasn’t), and not ever trust the person. Like that is the natural and most accurate response for it.

It’s just villainizing for the sake of being petty.

With Steph they ignore the fact she essentially sexually harassed Tim all the time and straight up emotionally abused him for an arc. Which her fans hate to hear, but that is stuff that happened. It was written by her creator. I don’t really care if Tim took her costume away or kissed her first, because I’m aware, and I know the contexts, and it doesn’t take away from what she’s done, because that’s not how that works. They also ignore she caused Tim to be disfigured by saying she was just doing what Batman said. But at that point she was also an adult, and would know better.

Like Steph can be reckless, that’s part of her character, but she isn’t an idiot.

In the end, from what all I’ve seen, it’s literally just fandom pettiness. There’s a lot of fans out there that act childish, treat people like idiots, blatantly lie about things, or exaggerate stuff.

It’s all very dumb, but I find it hard to take serious, because if they can’t acknowledge what their own favs have actually done, it just comes across like they genuinely don’t like the character and can’t admit it. They prefer to stay in their candy land so they gaslit others instead.

For me it’s as easy as paying attention to the story, seeing the contexts, and a lot of the time it’s not even a thing that’s in-character for any of the characters involved, or at least the very least not nearly as serious as they treat it.

Especially for around the past 15 or more years or so. By then the care in making everything is crafted and makes sense went down the drain so it’s often that a story doesn’t even make sense to begin with.

They think fandom is about making everyone else look bad apparently, or at least they sure act like it.

Like it’s comics. I think the fandom in-general that gets so worked up over stuff needs to relax, deattach yourself to look at it from the grander view, and calm down over it. Because things aren’t always what they seem. People try to convince themselves of so much stuff, or bully others for so much stuff, and it’s all so petty and unhealthy.

My personal philosophy in the fandom to avoid any toxic behavior is to just keep it real. I don’t lie to myself, I give everything the same standard, I definitely don’t bully or gaslit anyone, I don’t treat my favorite like they’re a real dang person either, and I look at it all like how it is, fiction.

It’s the reason why I get upset at writing and not fictional characters. I don’t ultimately care when a character does a bad thing, unless it’s out of character. To me the only thing I get upset with is the writing, because it’s the only thing that’s real.

Don’t be obsessed, and keep the peace essentially.

[prismatales]

Comfort

All my love and gratitude goes to @sugacookiies, @pixxiesdust and @hawks-senseis for beta-reading this, you guys were some of the greatest help I've ever had! ❤

Pairings: Bakudeku x Reader

Warning: Tw:Depression, Tw:Suicidal thoughts, angst, fluff and comfort.

Fingertips slam a frantic yet steady pace against the keyboard, your eyes go back and forth between each paragraph with a growing sense of panic. All your senses are running on nothing more but pure anxiety and stress, not even the thought of eating something crosses your mind as the one and only thing to worry about seems to be this specific assignment.

Neither of them can remember the last time they saw you in another spot of the house that wasn't that chair before the computer, sure sometimes you take a break to go to the bathroom, but sleeping? That word doesn't seem to have a meaning in your vocabulary.

Except for that one time you fell asleep on the couch for less than 30 minutes before startling yourself awake and jumping away from the plush cushion to keep working.

Both Midoriya and Bakugo knew how important it was to complete your thesis, but was it worth it when your health and body is on the edge of giving up? They both know how badly this kind of routine can end up affecting your health.

The last time you got this stressed it ended up fucking up your stomach all the way from the esophagus to the intestines. The whole digestive system was so affected it started to feel like your stomach was literally burning itself into nothingness from the gastritis you developed. You had to get treatment for two whole weeks, which was right before your high school finals, and it was one of the worst experiences you've ever had to go through.

There's a reason a huge portion of people going through College ends up feeling dead on the inside, the overwhelming amounts of work, spending so much time in the library one could literally claim they live there, assignments and impossible amounts of field work, all of that could be more than enough things happening at the same time to cause plenty of people to go insane. And if that was bad enough, preparing your Thesis was like one of the deadliest of trials.

Just from the look on your face, it was obvious you're starting to develop another health trouble just like that time, the tips of your fingers start pressing right on the spot above your stomach with a face full of discomfort.

Deku's the first one to see that and in less than five minutes he's already outside on his way to get some medicine, he doesn't think twice about using One for All to go faster. 

Everyone in the apartment was more than used to hear mumbling during the day, courtesy of your beloved Deku, but not even Bakugo was prepared to hear you of all people mumbling such dark things the very next day, when the stress began taking a harder toll. He could hear every single word loud and clear even when he's standing near the kitchen counters at the other side of the house.

"Why do I even bother?...It's not like anything I do even matters..." He can hear the the long sigh followed by more self hatred while he's stirring the noodles for dinner. "Sometimes I wonder if people would even notice that I'm gone...hahaha...I wanna die"

"...! That's it!" The wooden spoon gets slammed roughly against the marble counter, searching through his pocket Bakugo pulls out his phone to text Deku, who's already on his way home from patrol.

It takes less than an hour for the two of them to be there right besides you trying their best to comfort their shaking and panicked S/O, it makes them feel useless seeing how much you're struggling to hold on to the remains of your mental stability.

And when they hear the next course of muttering they know things are just about to get worse unless they do something about it.

"I can't do this anymore...I just can't," The tiny voice coming out of your mouth was heartbreaking. Your whole body is trembling uncontrollably as Midoriya walks up behind the chair, he lifts your whole body so he can take you to the bedroom, that way you could finally get some well deserved rest and calm down, in the meanwhile Bakugo goes back into the kitchen to fetch you something to drink.

Their dynamic was simple and yet effective, most of the time Izuku tends to be the one calming both of you through words, if that's not enough to help he's trying to find another solution to the problem through physical actions. Katsuki on the other hand tends to prefer being the one letting his actions speak for themselves first, even through the smallest of gestures he's always looking out for the both of you, in a reverse context to Deku, when his actions are not enough he's trying to make an effort to comfort you with his words.

Everything came crashing down inside your head like a landslide in the middle of a storm, bringing chaos and despair from every direction. It's easy to recognize the signs of your depression kicking in due to all the work piling up at once, and they're aware you're one of the most dedicated and passionate persons when it comes to your studies.

Midoriya tried to lay you down into the soft mattress and walk away to get that blanket they bought specifically for this type of occasion, but his shirt is quickly clutched into a tight grip, the broken sobs are barely audible to someone not paying enough attention have him on high alert as he realizes you've already started crying.

He has no other choice but to ignore his quest for the blankets and sits back on the bed. His back rests against the headboard while you're laying on your side, face resting softly against his well-toned chest, your body surrounded by his own arms that hold your shaking body against his with the hope that it can help you relax.

Bakugo comes into the room shortly after, carrying your favorite cup steaming with some nice and warm drink, your favorite judging by the glorious smell coming out of the cup in small puffs.

He carefully passes the cup to the green haired man sitting in bed before walking to the corner of the room and towards a dark gray, medium sized basket where the additional blankets are kept, rummaging through the furniture he finds one of the biggest, fluffiest and softest blanket of them all before walking back towards the bed. 

It takes you awhile to process what's actually happening because of the storm running through your head. But eventually, between the reassuring words and sweet whispering, the shaking and the crying slowly, but very slowly starts toning down until nothing but a small whimper can be heard every now and then through your bedroom. 

In less than a few minutes you've already been wrapped in that beloved blanket while resting between two warm and fit bodies, leaning back against the headboard with a comforting drink in hand.

"Are you feeling any better?" Izuku's voice is soft and sweet, just in case there's something still bothering your mind, at the same time one of Katsuki's hands is busy rubbing circles in the section between your shoulders in a steady rhythm, the feeling of his calloused and scarred hand touching that portion of skin helps relaxing your exhausted self at an almost exaggerated level. The last thing they want is for you to have another breakdown.

You want to reply but your mouth quickly opens and closes, so all you can manage to do is give them a soft nod in response, too tired to even try and talk to your sweet boyfriends. 

Sometimes the negative thoughts come during these kinds of moments to try and bring torment. It makes you wonder if one day they'll get tired of this and leave after realizing you're nothing more than a hindrance.

"Don't even think about it, Dumbass," Katsuki growls from his spot at your left side "I recognize that look on your face when I see it, you think you're worthless don't you?" That hand behind you makes its way to your shoulder, pulling your whole body towards him and positioning you in a way that makes your head rest on top of his well toned shoulders. For someone who's body is so nicely sculpted, the place where your head lays is one of the most comfortable places where somebody could rest.

"You are one of the strongest people I've ever met. You've always been someone who rarely allows small shit like this get the best of them" Katsuki's hand had long ago left your back to run his fingers through your hair, the friction against your locks of hair and scalp has a soothing effect that relaxes everything from your whole body to your mind.

A small tear manages to escape, but this time is out of relief and happiness for literally having two of the most wonderful lovers by your sides. The exhausted smile that spreads over your face sends the both of them into a state of relief.

"What did I do to deserve you both?" 

Deku lets out a soft laughter while Katsuki just smirks in satisfaction.

"Existing." 

MASTERLIST

@t-amajiki @undead0relived @shoobirino @bnha-ra @godtieruwu @mysticalite @bnhabookclub @gallickingun @unbreakableeiji @savagetrickster

[mistaeq]

I'd like to request a part 6 matchup then please 👀 I'm a scorpio, INFP, bisexual, usually quiet, bizarre gen z sense of humor, big savior complex haha oops, I struggle with depression and I love drawing, listening to music and writing ofc. I get anxious in big crowds so I tend to avoid them, or if I can't avoid them then I just hide behind the person I trust. Thx bby ❤️

Matchup

TW // depression is mentioned

Thank you for your request, Memory !! Hope you will enjoy this. Finally back with matchups ~♡

Stone Ocean Matchup

WORD COUNT: 1.5k

My first matchup choice for you is...

Narciso Anasui!

When you first met, in Emporio's hidden room, Anasui asked himself how could such a quiet person like you be in jail. He genuinely couldn't get it. Narciso doesn't like too talkative people, since he moves, acts and listens to others for his own interests only. But your behavior really caught his attention. Someway maybe more than Kujo Jolyne did.

Since the first time he met anyone, that person would ask questions about his life, his mistakes, about the crime he had committed to be there. And he just didn't like it. That is why, the man had asked Emporio - or Weather Report - to be the one to inform people about his past before people asked him directly. But everyone always ended up asking him for more details. How annoying. You didn't, by the way.

Much to his surprise, though, you know how to me loud and chaotic too, above all when you and Foo Fighters laugh together over memes. He took a look at those too, just for the sake of knowing what you like. Might it be just because he knew that you were the one liking them, even if those memes were not his thing, he'll admit he's let out a couple giggles, looking through those along with you and F.F.

After he got to know you, it looked like Jolyne had completely slipped and gone away from his mind. Much to her happiness, to be honest. Narciso's undesired avances were on the verge of making her go completely feral. "It looks like it's your time to get his marriage proposals, Memory..." Kujo chirped, laughing at your shocked expression when she talked about marriage proposals.

Did you say savior complex? Narciso definitely cherishes this side of you. He's in love with the way you're always in the first row, when it comes to helping someone who needs your help. He even got the occasion to save you as well, when you happened to put yourself in trouble because of your will to absolutely help someone.

This exaggerated - but not negative at all - obsession about you made him wanna start to get all worried about everyone as well. Emporio always told you, Anasui never helped anyone, unless it regarded him or was for his own profit. You told him not to force himself over a behavior which didn't belong to him, since just like you do, he might have ended up in plenty of troubles. But he just wanted to conquer your heart.

Nobody would have dared to bet a single coin on it, but Narciso Anasui is an actual cheesy man, when he's infatuated for someone, who happens to be you. He won't even let depression get to you, the pink haired man is so ready to fight against it for you. In every hobby and passion of yours, you'll find him supporting you and complimenting your job.

This guy fucking loves reading. Please, don't be afraid to ask suggestions or opinions to him, when you're writing something and need someone to read it to comment it and maybe give you some tips. He didn't have many hobbies or things to do in prison, so he used to stick to reading books and letting his fantasy fly outside of the GD St. Jail. Plus we all know one if his all time favourite characters is Mickey... he's a hidden child.

He's never gonna bring you into crowded places, and even if he doesn't judge a place as "crowded", he's gonna ask you first anyway. The last thing Narciso wants is making you feel bad for a decision of his. He wouldn't forgive himself for such a thing. The man learnt to pay attention to your expressions of discomfort, and knows when he has to help you.

He doesn't like it, when he has to do it, because it means you're not feeling well, but he won't hide he feels pretty lucky, when you hide behind him, since it means that you really trust him. Don't tell anyone, but Jolyne and Foo Fighter overheard him bragging about this to an annoyed Weather Report, who just wanted to sleep and had to listen to Anasui's half-an-hour-long essay about you, instead.

My second matchup choice for you is...

Hermés Costello!

Hermés has been having a crush on you, a pretty strong one, for a good amount of time by now, but the thought of you probably not liking girls was haunting her, and she had no idea of what to do to not to make it awkward. She looked for Jolyne, to ask her for an opinion... and overheard you right in the act of revealing your bisexuality to your best friend. Lucky! She started to hang around you more, after that day.

The truth is, that Costello usually laughs over the bizarre gen Z type of memes, but just doesn't want to admit it. She's naturally calmer than you, or for example Foo Fighters, so she thinks that laughing over those might make her menacing woman façade disappear. She doesn't know whether it might be easier to conquer you by being serious and mysterious or by laughing with you.

When she finally chose to confess, she did it in the most cliché way ever. She just didn't know how to do it. She left a note with a confession in your prison cell, and waited for a reaction from you. If it was positive, then, good for her, she would have been able to love you. If it was negative, she would have made up an excuse to make you believe the note was just one of Jojo and F.F.'s pranks. Luckily, you accepted.

Good thing you have such a savior complex, because Hermés tends to constantly put herself in an ocean of troubles, and will definitely need someone to save her everytime, along with Jolyne and Foo Fighters. If it wasn't for you questioning where she is everytime, she probably would have died after not even a week. But luckily, she has such a good girlfriend thinking about her when she needs it.

Depression? Say no more. Your girlfriend will never leave your side on days when you feel it kicking in more than usual. It's true, you can't do much in prison, but the woman keeps on promising you that once you'll be out of there, she'll bring you to lots of new places to explore, wherever you'd like, to take care of your sadness and bad feelings. Damn, finding love in prison is wild.

She sometimes uses Kiss to duplicate herself and be able to take care of you, above all when you're feeling down and needs something to cheer you up. Two Hermés aren't just perfect for cuddling, but also to have fun, since it's comic to see her twice. Though, you tend to ask her to not to do it often, since going back to a single one after Kiss's effect ends, is sometimes painful for Hermés and you're aware of it.

"Yo, Memory... is that possibly... me?" Costello asked, staring at the drawing you were working on, sitting in your prison cell, the sketchbook on your thighs. You nodded, smiling. You enjoyed sketching her, she was like art to you, and couldn't help loving her body and facial featured. "This is fucking amazing. For real Memory." she sat next to you, and kept on staring at your drawing. "Am I that beautiful in your eyes?"

Oh god. Jolyne and Foo Fighters mock the two of you so much because of your habits. Hermés and you often happen to fall asleep, your head on her shoulder and her head on yours, while you're sharing earphones and listen to your favourite music. Such things aren't really appreciated in the middle of the girls in your prison section, so Emporio allows you and your girlfriend to rest in his hidden room.

Hermés doesn't mind big crowds, but she can't say she enjoys them. She'd rather be in peace, or at least with a bunch of people she enjoys staying with, like you, Jolyne and Foo Fighters. The four of you are like a squad, and perfectly know that they have to keep you away from big crowds. Your girlfriend usually take care of it, but if she's not around, Jojo and F.F. do it for her.

Even without you asking for it, if you can't avoid the crowd, Costello will grab your hand, to make sure you don't get lost or panic because of all the people, and pull you through the confusion of the noisy voices, to a place where the two - or four, depends on whether your friends are there too - of you can spend some quality time without having to worry about protecting you from crowds.