#like i c a n do wrong!!!!
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Taking deep breaths here !!
#how does one say that it is probably something deeply wrong in my brain chemistry#and the word perfect rarely lands well with me!!!!#i never agree when he calls me that i just have more energy to deal with it than others sometimes!!!!#Perfection is smothering and overwhelming and it makes me want to pick apart everything wrong with me ever and i just don't always like it!!#like when I call him perfect its a way to like. get affection out of my system and vocalized!! it's why it's almost always sandwiched!!#but when it's tacked onto me it feels like im being like. idolized and put on this pedestal!!!!#like i c a n do wrong!!!!#i think it's quite honestly hardwired into me to fuck up!!!#it feels wrong#out of place when it comes to me#i dont know#im stupid and i need to get over it.
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3 years and I'm STILL IN THE FUCKING BUILDING... unbelievable... anyway happy re-bday to my pathetic cringefail politician
Alt ver. under the cut
***Massive disclaimer: i do not support the cc this is strictly about the fictional character
#cwilbur#c!wilbur#dsmp fanart#my art#woah hi hello how's it going#still in this hellhole i couldn't claw my way out my fingernails are too short#still had to do smth for this guy i mean cmon. major influence over my life for years#speaking of which hey major redesign. you know why.#nothin much to say. random outfit. face based on gregory peck tho it's not rly clear here#lives tattoos i thought were fun. tried to make the revived life look like a shitty stick n poke dont know if that reads well#aro ring but on the wrong finger whoops. dont care enough to fix it#anyway hope you enjoy :p fangs for sticking around xoxo#OH and first time writing an image desc. hope it was good!! ik its like a mile long but idk how to be any more concise#fennec.art
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Sebastian Stan. in a bathtub, which is all I actually got out of this movie.
#please don't add to gif hunts/claim as your own/edit without permission. thank you!#sebastian stan#sstanedit#sebstanedit#sebastianstanedit#we have always lived in this castle#whalitc#whalitcedit#if thats not the correct edit tag im not changing it#charles blackwood#charlesblackwoodedit#i skipped through this entire film on mute tbh i i have an idea of what the plot could be#but i really do not know anything i dont know if i want to know anything#as a 2010 aiw fan i got jumpscared by c/rispin g/lover#anyways#i do like c/rispins other roles dont get me wrong but when im not expecting him--#anyways.#more important#i think i have a few caps left for this film#i made these for c/rackship reasons but uhhhh#yknow#the fanfic girlies guys and nonbinary babes. here u go#blade cw#i didnt notice the frickan#i cant tell if its a flip razor or a regular razor#i went to beauty school i forgot the name#my thoughts are potentail stab and therefore n i c e#mine.
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do other fields have this thing where 80% of people who are, in theory, mid-career experienced professionals are barely capable of performing fairly basic tasks without personalized guidance, or is software development just suffering under the curse of an entire generation being told to go into the field if they want to earn enough money to pay rent
#got off work two hours late today#because i was helping somebody with such daunting bugs as#'ah see the issue here is that you sent your content-type header to application/vnd.ms-excel for some reason.'#'you told the server that you are sending it an Excel file. like. an old Excel file. and you aren't. so why did you do that?'#'ah. I see. you copied some 12-year-old code and reused it without considering what it does? well. there's your problem.'#also 'one problem I see is that you spelled company wrong. yes. it has an M in it. right. put an M there. an M. like Monkey. M'#'yes put an M. no not at the end. see how you typed 'conpany'? yes it needs to be 'company'. so just fix that'#'right. c-o-m-p-a-n-y. yes. that's where the M should go. okay but now you've typed 'cmpany'. can we put an O there? yes after the C'#and 'well the problem here is that you're retrieving a list of numbers and telling Hibernate to interpret them as a random object'#'ah it's some code you copied from somewhere and didn't change apart from the query? yeah that tracks. well. change it.'
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i used to freehand comics all the time as a child and since the part i liked was the drawing part i would just draw panel after panel because i didn't want to stop drawing to think about icky icky words, plus the story TOTALLY still made perfect sense! to me! and noone else, but 'whoooo caaaaares omgggg its not like comics and sequantial art are a communicative meeediummmm lmaoooooo'. i spent my entire childhood telling myself stuff like "oh pfft I know this story by heart- ill SIMPLY remember the dialogue and write it later" ...and. I can't help but admire baby maiora's (call that a minora ba tm tsk) fucking audacity? hubris? confident wrongness? kid couldn't even remember to finish the comics in the first place? INCREDIBLE levels of unearned self assurance, wish that were me, genuinely- what an icon!!! anyway i think i have forever cursed myself
#maiora garrulates#the maiora overthinks the process of writing dialogue saga continues!!!!!!!#im so tired. i have been overthinking this shit in circles i have not been making any progress in any which way lmao!#im bitching and moaning for funsies this is not that serious in the Grand Scheme Of Things i just wanna improve at my fav thing#and ❤️ Unfortunately ❤️ my favorite thing in the world involves learning MY MOST HATED *NEMESIS*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! verbal communication. ew#words are fun! i LOVE words! toys!!!!! im using words right now and i didn't combust!!!!! wow look at that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#putting words in SEQUENCE? multiple times?? filtering THOUGHTS into SENTENCES???? sentences that a character would or wouldn't SAY???#AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER SOMETIMES???? AND THAT BITCH ALSO HAS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS????? AND THEY ALL HAVE PERSONAL IDIOLECTS#AND TONES THAT S U P P O S E D L Y ARE IMPLICATED BY MANNERISMS AND VERBAL HABITS AND CIRCUMSTANCES (AND THERE'S WRONG ANSWERS! ALSO!!)#AND THEY'RE IN A CONTEXT!! AND THEY'RE INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER AND INFLUENCING EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THE CONVERSATION COULD VARY GIVEN ENERGY LEVELS WHETER OR NOT SOMEONE'S FOOT IS FALLING ASLEEP THE F U C K I N G WEATHER#“oh dialogue is easy just say it out loud to yourself until it 'sounds normal' ^^”#screaming crying throwing up NONE OF THIS IS INTUITIVE TO MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....!#ok dramatics over its out of my system! for now!!!#this is all easily explained bc i just. draw a lot more than i talk to people. so like. OBVIOUSLY i have more practice drawing#so drawing comes natural! talking does not! subsequently dialogue is Hard! No FUCKING Shit Sherlock!!!!! (affectionate)#so yeah. im using y'all (the tumblr void) as practice! hi!!! words at you!!!!!!!!!!#so yeah thanks for baring with me while passing by my corner of the internet#i do love self indulgence this is fun check out my navel gazing actually no do not look at my belly button#anyway i just think this is mildly interesting. some of my writer buds have the same “not good enough” allergy towards visuals#but they use it to be mean2me >:( same bitch that “omg i cant i suck at drawing i can't do this-” does the “uhm. just write? lol.” 2 meeee#we could have peace and love on planet earth and a common experience and yet you KICK miette for being bad at words!!!1!!! </3 heartbreak!!#what the fuck was i talking about even#oh yeah. perfectionism within creatives i guess. LMAO JK i am talking about NOTHIN!!!!G i am just putting Words Out Here ehehehehehe#its practice >;)c#all this bc ive been doodling comics for myself again and im V!! PROUD OF THE ART!!!! wanna share- but DIALOGUE!*⚡sfx!!*....... so! options#a) leaving it blank. no there are NO microphones in the budget. b) leaving blank *balloons* so that the Rythm is there. implied convo!!!#c) ...doing it badly. (tragic)(heartwrenching)(teeny tiny bruise 2 the ego) *dramatic single tear cleches fists * its the only way.........#...we shall see! literally none of this is all that serious i am procrastinating!! <3 playing with my tuoys!!!!!!!! silly time!!!#/all lh! am reaching 30 tags so that is all for THIS episode of the maiora bitches about dialogue saga thank you for joining me!!okilyBuhBY
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sorry, chizuutan, may you have better luck with your next oshi </3
#[gimme gimme call plays in the bg]#i’d love to be a fly on the wall when chizuutan realises that *maybe* aizo is 1000% in love with yujiro#(aka the guy she thought she didn��t have to worry about)#get with the programme girl haven’t you s e e n samishigariya#s e r i o u s l y manifesting more rofan concepts for lxl with them as the ml and fl respectively#i’d c r y if we got a villainess yujiro x whipped male lead aizo (with og fl chizuutan maybe?) style song#i want to hear yujiro do the ojousama laugh and aizo cheering on his flashtag women’s wrongs#(kinda like that hourglass villainess story; but aizo as the ml does more than just cheer fl!yujiro on in the bg)#.wait. now that’s an idea… hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm#chizuutan chizpost#LXL MEOTO CRISIS 2K24
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Heres a poorly drawn comic about Hat Kid questioning The Prince's personality compared to Snatchers and how they aren't technically that different from eachother when it comes to "evilness"
(Also featuring a human MJ cameo for no particular reason)
In other words:
Peckneck literally becomes innocent in front of kids and his gf only to turn around and sue someone for looking at him funny
You can be a menace to society and still be oblivious and slightly naive when it comes to toxic relationships
Rose tinted glasses and all that
You can also be a menace to society and still be polite when the situation calls for it
Being nice to kids and stuff isn't that hard
Basically I'm trying to make him a mixture of most Prince portrayals in the fandom and a slight menace to society that carries Snatchers snark and chaotic behavior-
#a hat in time#ahit#ahit the prince#ahit snatcher#ahit hat kid#Just the TINIEST bit evil#Human Mj makes a cameo because I said so#Peckneck literally masks in front of the people he likes-#And then decides to throw a moldy orange at his tutor#He can be a bit evil#As a treat#He was always just a LITTLE bit sadistic#He only really embraced it after dying tho#Hat Kid has no idea that he was a menace#Boy is she in for a rude awakening#>:3#Also for future reference he can only really be a menace when the situation is under control#If something is happening that causes him to P A N I C or get super anxious#That confident smug chaotic persona will crumble#So like say he gets yeeted to the future and nothing is recognizable#Thats panic mode because he has no idea what could happen if he screwed up#He can only be a menace if he has control of the situation#That plus the fact that he is still decently naive make for an incredibly emotionally unstable individual if something goes wrong#Which they do#So if ever lacks the “menace” trait in future fics and stuff#Just know it's most likely because something bad is happening
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Stepped outside my bsd circle and i’m reminded why i forever stopped listening to ppl in hs whenever they told me to leave my comfort circle and push my boundaries smhh :|
#cw caps#tw caps#cw cursing#tw cursing#SHUT UP ABOUT SHIPPING SHUT UP ABOUT SKK TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE IT WONT MURDER YOU#IS EVERYONE IN BSD GREY OR HAS ODA DONE NO WRONG YOU C A N N O T SAY BOTH IN ONE BREATH BE FORREAL#WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ODA’S THE ONLY ONE WHO’S SHOWN HE LOVES DAZAI?? THE FUCK???#BSD STANS FIND A WORD TO DESCRIBE WOMEN THAT ISNT GIRLBOSS CHALLENGE IMPOSSIBLE#ALSO-HOW AND WHY THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE SO MANY ‘HERES HOW SKK IS CANON/I CANT BELIEVE PPL SAY SKK ISNT CANON🥺 PIECES WHEN SKK IS THE MOST#SHIPPED SHIP IN BSD?? WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON AND CAN I JOIN YOU ON IT BABYGIRL MY CUP RUNNETH OVER WITH SKK#THEY WOULDNT SAY THAY!!! KUNIKIDA ISNT AN NT!!!! NOT EVERYONE *HAS* TO BE GAY!!!#STOP! SANDING DOWN CHARACTERS! TO FIT IN WITH TROPES/MEMES/INCORRECT QUOTES! YOU DONT KNOW THEM YOU DONT GET THEM YOU DISSERVICE THEN#GIRLIEPOP IF YOURE COMFORTABLE WITH CANNIBALISM THEN SHUT TF UP ABOUT HOW PPL WHO SHIP TANIZAKICEST OR LIKE MORI ARE FREAKS YOU WEIRDO#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN (TO GET SPLATTERED) OOH MYSTERY! PANIC! DRAMA! EMOTIONS!! LOTS N LOTS OF MEAT, SCARES, AND DICK-OUT FUN! BLOOD IN THE BAYOU HAS GOT IT ALL BABY!!!
blood in the bayou would make SUUUCh a great campy horror movie, its real in my heart, so real.....
#jrwi bitb#jrwi bitb spoilers#jrwi fanart#cw blood#cw gore#cw body horror#EHEHEE YKNOW WHAT I LOVE ABT POSTING ART ON TUMBLR....#I GET TO TAAALK N TALK N TALK YIPPEEE I LOVE TALKIN ABOUT MY ART!! espeeecially WHEN I THINK ALOT ABT IT#SO this is older. i actually drew this right around the time episode 2 came out. but i WAS kinda stupid slow about it#SOO its a lil old and i dont remember aaall the immediate feelings i had about this episode#OHH MY GOD THIS WAS THE EP WHERE THEY FOUND OUT WHAT THE MAP LOOKS LIKE RIGHT???#DUDE I REMEMBER BEING SO GENUINELY FUCKIN C A U G H T BY THAT LIKE WHAT??? WHAT??? IT LOOKS LIKE A WHUT??? HUHN???? NHU????????#OOH ohoh okay okay THE BARRIER right. have yall ever seen annihilation? that kickass movie with that weird dimension? just look it up#in the movie theres a Wall that separates them from the fucked up dimension. its glossy and strange just like a bubble. SOUND FAMILIAR HMMM#THATS what i imagine the wall looked like. gotta draw that at somepoint. i also used that texture for the background color. do ya see it?#i remember when i was first watching it. i thought that maybe it was actually worse outside#like they finally get past the barrier and its the same everywhere else. like the entire earth is already taken.sighh....#CAN I JUST SAY I LOVE KIAN STONE BTW. AINT NO ONE ELSE HAD THER DICK OUT AS MUCH AS THIS KING. HONESTLY IM A KIAN APOLOGIST#KIAN STONE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG EVER. HE FOLLOWS HIS HEART AND THE MUSIC DUUUDEE!!!!! HIS HEART AND THE MUSIC ARE ONE DUUUUDEEE!!!!#ILL HAVE MORE THINGS TO SCREAM ABT KIAN WHEN I POST MY EP 3 DOODLE PAGE. OKAY. IM NOT SOBBING LOUDLY. I LOVE N SUPPORT KIAN#AND RAAAND oh raaaand he loves his momma.... n his momma loves him.... hes suuuuch a sad lil disaster of a man....#i wanna nurse him back to health like an injured little animal#wtf who said that#anyway ROLAN MY SMARTEST BOY IN THE WORLD#I remember listening to the first episode (right at midnight as i was sleeping) n thinkin#dawww rolans so baby :)) hes so baby girl n small and pathetic#and then i saw the official art of him n im like NO WAY#HE LOOKS WAY TOO COOL IN THAT how could this little man ever be that cool AND BOOY DOES IT PROVE ME WRONG. HOLY SHIT. ROLAN. BEAST OF A MAN#OKAAYAY teehee ill share more thoughts later. if u read this far tell me ALL ur thoughts abt bitb ep 2#kk bye guys ill see u within the next rotatiion mwah mwah love u guys baaaiiiii. please survive for me.
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no good very very bad day today. falls over
#cat's rambles#cat's schoolposting#neptune is complaining again#had no access to my vitamin water first hal of day + was prety stressed abt the math test today#n then during c period got asssigned a fuckton of hw. over thanksgivign break. what#and i have no idea what im doing in that class ahfhahjhfjdhj#and i realized i have no semblance of what to pack for the trip that im going on TOMRROW.#n during lunch my irl was like semi rude to me#n i remmberd i have to do a presentation in front of my whole school range whatever its called in three weekes hahahajhjhdsa#and then i had my stupid fucking math test that was stupidly hard and i cried while taking it and i dont know what im doing and#it was so hard and oughghg#n like. two out of the three other students in that class were kinda mean to me whcihc oughgh (only four students in my math hahahfjshjah)#n then i got my vitamin water but i spilled it multiple times. in a row#and my memtnal state is nt doing pretty well#n i kept sobibing because somehing was going wrong n then#i realized i hae no actual way of like . offinf myself so even if i feel terrible it wil get worse#n i think my irl is mad at me for pointing out that she never uses my preferred pronouns#hhahhahahhh yeah.sorr for complaining and ty for readingthrough this whole thing if ytu dd?
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don’t mind me i’m just gonna yell about axel greylark in the tags
#sw#the high republic#cataclysm#cataclysm spoilers#the high republic spoilers#AXEL GREYLARK#AXEL F U C K I N G GREYLARK#BITCH I HOPE YOU GET WHATS COMING TO YOU#no i have not finished cataclysm but MF I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU#I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU SO FUCKIN HARD AND EVERY CHANCE YOUVE GOTTEN SO FAR YOU MAKE THE WRONG EFFIN CHOICE CMON MAN#GELLA LITERALLY TOLD YOU EXACTLY WHAT TO DO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU#WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN!!!!#IDEC THAT YOU HAVE MOMMY ISSUES#THAT BITCH ASS MOTHER DOESNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THAT#i swear if that mf doesn’t get a redemption arc i’ll be so upset#the death count is 1 so far and i’m scaredddddd#i don’t like that they keep alluding to gella dying like please for the love of GOD not gella#i can’t do it#not after kevmo
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Get me started on how everyone is scared of the cryptid that is Etho during the life series and yet Etho is TERRIFIED (/j ofc) of Cleo, I beg of you!
And now think about how Cleo is now mother to two of the (arguably) most chaotic people in every single season.
(Think Scar dying a lot n being on red first during third life, BDubs being a dramatic home wrecker in double life)
Like I know it wont translate to fighting or handiwork with traps, but the mind games that could be done!! Think about it! BDubs is a home wrecker and Scar’s still stuck in that ring and trying to flee all ties to that very first win he could have had. He’s the one that betrayed BDubs in the end, not Grian. Adding Cleo in is a good deterrent, but who’s to say when someone die? What if she dies first?
Siblings fight, y’know. Parents can’t stop that no matter how hard they try.
#mcytblr#life series#trafficblr#i might just be looking into it a lil too much lol#mapbookbabbles#zombiecleo#bdouble0#goodtimeswithscar#honorable ethoslab mention#please why does my englich teacher brain DO this its too LATE IN THE DAY#maybe im wrong tho#perhaps Cleo will just be the parent that haunts them even in death lmao#that would make me laugh#also love that Etho was almost dad#BDubs is like a child in a candy store stg#cant leave him alone for a s e c o n d
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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AjhdjajsAJSHAJJD
#I sent the interview cancellation email and now I feel like a supervillain 🥲#she seemed so sweet and excited to interview too nOOOOOOOOOOOOO#sometimes I really do hate my job actually lmFAO 😭#I suck at being mean#even tho I wasn’t mean but#it FEELS mean akdhajshhs#like picking the wrong dialogue choice in a video game aaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH#c r y i n g#I asked her permission to keep her info on file and let her know about any future opportunities#so at least there’s that#ashdbajjdjs#poor thing fr omg I was only able to give her a day and a half notice but#I guess it’s better than last minute 😭😭😭#apple babble 🍎#the ✨glamorous✨ life of a personal assistant#lmFAOOOOEHEISUDUSID#non fandom
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as a “peer-diagnosed” autistic (shoutout 2 @spellscarred & some ppl on Hinge dksfjhsdkhjf) / “this feels so right in every fibre of my being, it just Fits, like literally.... my entire self and life makes some sort of Sense if/bc i Am” autistic i .......... rly wanna know what tf stimming is.
like. theoretically i can mostly grasp it. and i dont in any way mean that, like, idt it’s real or anything awful and ridiculous like THAT. i guess i sorta mean i just.... idk
and i know there’s as many unique ways to be austistic as there are autistic ppl in the world (+those who’ve lived in the past and any who will exist in the future) and i dont have to Tick Every Box or whatever. and stimming is like.....VERY individual a lot of the time even within the greater whole that is highly variable in the first place.
but it’s like.... the Big One that, when reading or watching talks or listening to ppl talk about Being Autistic i just. I Don’t Get It!!!!! it’s the thing that doesnt rly Do anything for me to read/hear abt because i CAN’T bc i just cannot grasp the concept “properly”
and i dont know if it’s bc like..... i’ve learned / been forced to mask any behaviours that may have been stimming while i was growing up n now i just Dont Remember any of that. or if i do stim but i just? have never encountered anything on the ~lists~ that like............. idk like all my behaviour feels like it’s not even in the same orbit so it Can’t Be That, but mb it’s like my migraines, which i didn’t think were migraines for YEARS - neither did my gp, a different gp, or ppl i know who have more ‘typical’ migraines - which is just that i saw a neutrologist 3 weeks ago he said ‘ya, migraine’ & me: “oh i didn’t know xyz were migraine symptoms are u fucking kidding me”. so mb it’s That.
or mb i just....don’t.....stim......?
#kim speaks.#personal.#tell me why i feel guilty for trying to say 'i'm aut*st*c' in a personal post#(~censored~ not bc it's a Bad Word but bc i still feel like a fraud hehe haha how fun.)#also if i ...worded smth poorly My Sincere Bad. i see and experience things online and im like 'oh yeah good this is It'#and then i say it in a conversation and family members who have ~Formal ASD training~ are like ''no wrong. offensive''#and scoff when i say um no how is say ''ppl with asd'' better than ''autistic ppl'' or 'has asd' vs 'is autistic' like#ugh idk i dont have the capacity to do this rn but let it be known im Trying im just in a vulnerable space rn and#easily confused n forgetful so that all makes like...... a well-meaning but sometimes clumsily blundering Thing
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i'm so sleepy
#🌙.rambles#really wanted to do so much more today but. i did a lot#i'm really happy w yk yeah bio n literature earlier n then#earlier hehe me n apollo were chilling in our parents' room bcs our dad was playing the 1975 music out loud. bonding over music c:#n then. talking w my friends a bit but.. specifically i'm really happy i managed to. hmm. hopefully those words reached her#i know my friends well i think. more than it seems on the outside#so i really want to do things for them n i know how to convey it in such a way that it wld at least resonate with them more#but i really do hesitate that i'll do it wrong yk? or i'm low on energy myself#but. i'm just. personally proud that tonight at least i managed to tell help her a bit. i really had a feeling she hasn't been doing well#for. the past months. i'm so sick of hesitating i just want to reach out but i really get afraid sometimes n i'm sorry#sincerity n authenticity n honesty mean a lot to me but. my friends aren't usually. as Open yk#goddamn i can't write it well enough bcs i cld write how i perceive it specifically for each n every single close friend of mine#n i really just want to help in any way i can bcs i really do care#i'm. also just really for the friend i said earlier. i really just.. know how it feels to have that hope crushes n for it to#ah. i don't know how to write it but the words are in my head. i really wish i cld just call or hug my friends anytime to just reassure#them or listen or just be company. bcs i know how it feels all too well n when i'm managing a bit better like i am right now i just#want to make the most of it but.. sigh#i'm more. yk more of a writer than your average person. but#writing is just so hard at times isn't it? but i really want to do as much as i can#n then. i don't know i think i need to cry i think. i want to do so much#yk that horoscope.co thing. i'm not too big on astrology i just find it interesting but w scorpio sun & capricorn moon (bcs that's me)#read it again n it a bunch of not rlly resonated with me :^) ffs i just want to do so much n it hurts#bcs i want to be kind to myself but i'm in a constant battle of. yeah really trying not to push myself but it's so hard#when people are put in the picture. humans are social beings. it's inevitable n. it's just so.. it just feels so helpless for me i think.#bcs there's so much in me that wants to just be freed like. i want to be who i am with no restraint but.#there's just.. a lot too but.#thinking of earlier today n how i overcame my anxiety. n we. we bought the tickets. for the 1975. doesn't feel real but my motivation rlly#yeah. n then. fuck the pain i'm channeling that energy to my motivation instead but#i really.. need to sleep. i'm sorry i can't do more right now. i really want to. tomorrow. i hope. i will do more. but i'll rest now.#..n tonight somehow maybe telling you to rest wld reach you somehow. probably not but i'll just leave this here.
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