#like i am only experiencing s6 and NO ONE DIES

[macknshift]

YESYESYES!!!!!!!!!

in my nepo baby dr i play my cobra kai drself on the show & in my musical theater actress dr i play my hsmtmts oc willow!!!

i also scripted that in my dc dr, marvel are comics / movies & vice versa in my marvel dr!!

and also my better cr's love story is based off of the book i'm writing #ILOVEMYMAN

am i the only one that makes my drs “canon” in other drs?

like, in my kpop dr, the arrowverse shows are just my arrowverse fic (which is based off my dr), same with my marauders fic (also based off my dr — except in this case, it’s canon in the sense the marauders still die bcs . we need harry potter for his story..) anyway

like my dr-selves are also oc’s, but their stories are tweaked quite a bit bcs the fics are too traumatic to live out . and i still want to see how my fic would be received if it were canon? so i scripted that it is (in some drs)

in my better cr (which is just my normal life) this isn’t the case, the fics stay as fics, written by me

idk just curious if only i do this bcs i highly doubt that’s the case

[acerace]

...you have opened my eyes to a vast universe of VintageBeef lore that I was unaware of. I knew about the New Hermit Order, of course, and the UHC invention, and I've watched a few of his CTM things but -- I will take all the info and lore you feel like giving out because Beef is amazing and my knowledge is so small.

Vintagebeef my beloved <3

So the thing is, right, until about 2016 I only watched two (2) youtubers- Vintagebeef for Minecraft and aDrive for Pokemon (and funnily enough both of them are named Dan irl). So I've watched most of Beef's videos over the years and have a general knowledge of most of his stuff, except because it's been like a decade I don't remember where most of the lore comes from XD

The thing with him is that he doesn't do Lore tm the way other mcyters often do lore- he doesn't have an extensive RP series to draw from like Grian, doesn't have a solo world with steadily increasing amounts of lore like Etho or Zisteau, and while he's played on SMPs and been involved in storylines before it's not really the focus of his episodes unlike with Evo or Legacy or Empires

So where does that leave us?

IRL, Beef always has multiple series running at the same time. Often he's playing on an smp while doing a singleplayer, often modded, series as well as a CTM or modpack with a group of friends. For example, right now he's playing on Hermitcraft, doing weekly Pixelmon and Building a Zoo episodes, and a CTM map with Slip. And to me, this translates to one thing: Beef is an adventurer. He travels frequently- he explores a world and when he decides he's done, he leaves for the next one. That's the basis of my personal interpretation of his series and his character for my writing.

Ok so reading this back, this got extremely long and didn't explain much in the way of lore, somehow? If anyone has any additions to add please do so, I am very definitely leaving out a lot and would love to see what other lore people remember and are using for Beef! I didn’t include the Hermitcraft stuff since my memory of season 4 is blurry (his base was themed after the Martian, that much I know, and he and Iskall were buddies :D) and most of the s5 NHO lore is best watched from Bdub’s perspective from what I remember, and the only s6 stuff is a single line in Hermitgang and then the Area 77 arc with its possibility of an NHO reunion which we did not get rip. And s7 of course had the cloning machine and also the Podzol Party as the main lore. So all the original rambling is still below the cut though it is very long, and I'm gonna bullet point the main stuff here instead:

Actual canonical things:

Invented UHC and was the only survivor of the first ever uhc (Mindcrack UHC s1)

Married to an ender dragon (one of the UHCs I think), later father to a different dragon (Mindcrack season 3? I think?)

Might not have legs if you choose to take that joke as canon (Mindcrack s2)

Was a wizard (RAD)

is a zookeeper (Building a Zoo) 

Had a wife and kids (Sims in Minecraft)

Part of the Trial of the B Team court case (Mindcrack)

NHO founder, founder of the Podzol Party (Hermitcraft)

Created a cloning machine that sort of works (Hermitcraft)

Played the Forest which is I believe the first time he and Keralis played together (look up the trigger warnings for this one, it's a horror game)

Was the creator/owner of Sourceblock SMP (featuring some familiar faces if you know Legacy, Empires, or MCC) and there is literal magic from a mysterious sourceblock of water that teleports people and summons mobs and probably more stuff that I haven't seen yet since I'm still watching it myself

Things you can infer:

Good with animals (Life in the Woods, Pixelmon, Ark)

Is a car nerd (irl and all of the car games he's played)

Is a highly experienced adventurer who has traveled through dozens of worlds both vanilla and modded, across multiple dimensions (Twilight Forest, the Aether, the Betweenlands, Limbo), completed dozens of monuments, fought in blood sports, survived apocalypse after apocalypse, tamed dinosaurs, and played a lot of prop hunt and golf with your friends

If you're looking for what to watch for lore purposes, I'd say the Mindcrack UHCs and Team Canada's RAD series are pretty good, definitely Sourceblock and HC s5, plus the Diversity CTM maps and Ruins of the Mindcrackers maybe? And Mindcrack Prank Wars for the chaos and the origin of Team Canada. And if you can handle horror than the Forest is fun and if you don't do horror you can watch the Pojkband play golf or prop hunt they're hilarious I love them sm I want a Pojkband reunion So Bad 

Beef's first series was a singleplayer series in beta 1.4_01 though he had played the game extensively before that, and was a big fan of Guude, having watched his own Minecraft videos. The series was functionally a hardcore one where if he died Beef would delete the world and start again! I haven't actually Watched this series so idk if he died or how often lmao. When Guude made Mindcrack, which was btw one of the very first Minecraft SMPs, he also hosted a competition for people to join, and Beef submitted a video (which is still viewable on his channel I believe!) and won, and was added to Mindcrack in season 2 :D (fun fact, Guude said that even if Beef hadn’t won he would have added him anyway) 

Two running jokes emerged from Mindcrack- pulling a Vintagebeef and Beef doesn't have legs. The first is a reference to Beef dying of fall damage (I believe the exact instance was him trying to jump into his swimming pool and failing spectacularly) and after the incident, every time someone died of fall damage they were pulling a Vintagebeef. The second joke comes from Guude, who joked that the reason Beef wasn't going to a convention was because he didn't have legs, and then he pranked Beef's base by building a giant pair of legs at the entrance to his castle so you had to walk between them to get into the base. This joke has long since died and both Beef and Guude feel pretty bad about it iirc because there were people who genuinely thought Beef was disabled and were emailing him supportive messages and stuff oops. So if you go looking on the Salad or find old Mindcrack fics, you might see references to Beef having prosthetic legs!

Mindcrack also brought about the creation of several Player groups- Team Nancy Drew, Team Canada, and GOB to name a few relevant to Beef. Team Nancy Drew consists of Beef, Pauseunpause, Guude, and Baj, who formed to investigate a prank on one of the members but I forget who. They're named Nancy Drew after the detective! Team Canada also formed in retaliation to pranks, with it consisting of Beef, Etho, and Pause, the three Canadian members on the server (not including Adlington who moved to Canada but never joined the group). There was also a Team America who pranked them with American flags everywhere. GOB is Guude, OMGChad, and Beef, who played stuff like the Ragecraft, Pantheon, and Monstrosity ctms together but that's way down the line lol

Team Nancy Drew is also notable for inventing UHC. It was Beef's brainchild but it was the four of them who first played it! The first UHC had the four of them working to kill the dragon with no natural regen, with everyone dying but Beef, who "won" the UHC. The second uhc was still dragon focused and iirc is where Beef married the dragon? Memories are hazy but they do kill the dragon in this one I think. UHC was then revamped as a pvp event and became a regular Mindcrack game every few months, featuring most of the Mindcrackers and several special guests, including Dinnerbone, who as we know Thanos-snapped Doc's arm out of existence as a result of Doc killing him in one of them

In one of the seasons of Mindcrack, Beef invited swedish Mindcracker and good friend Anderzel to go caving with him and invented ABBA Rules caving, where the winner takes it all. ABBA Rules is a game where each ore (and also dungeon loot like nametags) is assigned a point value and the person with the most points at the end wins and gets to keep all the stuff collected from the game.

In Mindcrack season 3?, Beef punched the ender dragon in an... awkward area, so when the dragon died and left the egg behind, Guude said Beef was the father of the egg XD I don't remember if I watched s3 so I have no idea if anything Happened with this concept but *history of the world voice* you could make lore out of this!

So Team Canada has played a Lot of CTM maps (which fun fact were pretty much invented by another Mindcrack member, Vechs, with his Super Hostile series! Super Hostile has a bunch of things called "Zistonian", which are references to another Mindcrack member Zisteau, who has a very wild singleplayer series with even wilder lore but I digress). In Ruins of the Mindcrackers, they had a running joke that Beef was Etho and Pause's mom, which is a joke we can leave in the past actually /lh. They also played all the Diversity maps, Sky Factory, Terra Restore, Uncharted Territory uhhh and a couple more ctms and adventure maps! Each map kinda has its own story so in Diversity 3 for example they were trapped in a simulation? I think? Team Canada also recently played the Roguelike Adventures and Dungeons modpack, aka RAD, in which Beef was a wizard with a magic staff that could do anything from summon lightning to control hostile mobs.

Sourceblock SMP is a vanilla survival 1.14 series that ran for one season and the series starts with each of the Players being drawn to a strange sparkling water source that, once they touch it, brings them to the Sourceblock world. It also summons a giant zombie at one point. There's probably more lore for this series but like I said I haven't watched it all the way through yet 

He has a Patreon server called VintageCraft and has done a series or two on there as well, and played a few UHCs with them, so lore that how you will! 

Beef also played a few popular mods, notably Pixelmon, Life in the Woods, and Feed the Beast, with LitW being singleplayer and the other multiplayer. He's also recently played the Zoo and Wild Animals mod a lot. He did a short series with the Minecraft Comes Alive mod where he married one of the villagers and had two children, so that's canon now :D he’s played a Lot of Pixelmon starting when the mod first came out iirc (he chose Turtwig in his first series and built a Grass gym, then made a Normal gym in another series in uhh 2016) and he still plays to this day. Quite a few Hermits played on his Pixelmon servers with him, like Wels, Etho, Iskall, Stress, Slip, Zueljin, and also Guude and Phedran (a Mindcrack adjacent player and creator of the LitW modpack) and a few Mindcrackers on the older servers 

Mindcrack and friends played a lot of other games too- 7 Days to Die, Ark Survival Evolved, Unturned, to name a few, so you can pull a lot of lore out of these as well. Speaking of friends and non-Minecraft games, Beef teamed up with Pause, Keralis, and Slip (a former Hermit) to play the horror game the Forest, which saw them stuck on an island trying to survive against terrifying mutated human... things. They played it a few times as the game updated but as afaik it's the first time Beef played with Keralis and possibly Slip and since the game starts with the Player's airplane crashing, that could totally be how Beef first met them in-universe 

I... think? that’s everything I mentioned in the tags? There is probably way more stuff I’ve forgotten that stems from inside jokes and things that happen within each series, but I hope that was a) helpful and b) at least somewhat comprehensible lmao 

[atavisticenthusiast]

S6 thoughts and SPOILERS

... under the cut. This includes information from 6x01 and 6x02 (I’ve seen both), so don’t read on if you’re avoiding spoilers. Lots about (Bellamy’s) psychosis.

Can I just say first that I am shocked, SHOCKED, by how much Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship has been foregrounded this season? Not that it hasn’t always been central to the show, but as I die-hard science fiction fan, I tend to be equally invested in characters AND their surroundings. The new world is gorgeous, mysterious sci-fi GOLD, and (to me at least) it paled before the character dynamics. These episodes - 6x02 especially - delivered on the emotional front, unlike S5, which foregrounded the action. Now relationships have BECOME the action.

Clarke and Murphy’s relationship stands out. He’s the only member of Spacekru to whom Clarke gives as well as she gets. She accepts most everyone else’s criticism. He’s also one of the few other people who have, at one point or another, been suicidal and isolated from the group. Since he’s the only person who witnesses Clarke’s psychosis-induced suicide attempt, he’ll be crucial in helping her address her mental health. And I do think that scene marks a turning point in their relationship; something in his expression softens when he realizes what she’s trying to do, and he immediately starts to talk her down. Which isn’t to say all is forgiven, but he might be closer to forgiving her than anyone but Bellamy. (Though maybe Bellamy hasn’t forgiven her as much as he wants to believe. More on that later.) Murphy’s also a loose canon, and between alluding to Clarke’s drawings of Bellamy, pointing out that the eclipse causes people to hurt those they love, and suggesting that he can’t shoot her because “Bellamy would hear,” he’s unwittingly propelling them towards confronting their feelings for one another. Thank you, Murphy.

It’s clear that Bellamy and Clarke are squarely on the same side when the season begins, and he doesn’t hesitate to speak up when Spacekru criticizes her. (Neither does Echo. Cheers.) In 6x01 and pre-psychosis 6x02, he actually seems a few degrees warmer towards her than he did in last year’s finale (and that includes the one-armed hug). He’s the only person that waits for her to leave the main ship for the drop ship. He touches her arm when they land and Shaw snarks at her and smiles. Then of course there’s the radio conversation (so much smiling, both sides) and tosses his radio awkwardly (doesn’t know what to do with his hands) when she walks out, suggesting that he didn’t get what he needed from that conversation. 

And then the toxins begin to affect him. I’m not sure any of us will be able to explain this properly until the characters address it themselves (hopefully in 6x03, x04), because we only hear CLARKE’s experience of the psychosis (Abby talking to her). All she says aloud is “shut up,” and all we hear from Bellamy is the equivalent of “shut up” - we don’t hear what he hears. But we can speculate. When Bellamy begins to experience the effects, he is trying to enter the room that Emori and Echo have locked themselves into because he thinks Murphy will try to kill Emori. Though he shouts for Echo to open the door, the content of his shouting doesn’t have anything to do with Echo, interestingly enough. (Not to say he doesn’t care for her, we know he does, but maybe that he’s focused on protecting people who need protection.) Clarke, meanwhile, is trying to coax him back to the school house so she can secure him before he gets worse. He rounds on her and says, “Maybe you haven’t noticed, Clarke, but I don’t nEeD you aNyMorE.” Yes, his voice breaks on those words. 

I have several thoughts here: 

First, this is setting up a parallel line later in the season. We know they don’t technically need one another to survive any more, but that they do want each other. I can see this being addressed later in the season in a, “It’s true - I don’t need you. But I choose you,” kind of way, but then, we also thought they’d have a “what does your heart say” moment last season to parallel the “what does your head say,” so who knows. I like this concept though - you shouldn’t need someone to love them, it’s not healthy to be that dependent. But to want them? Even though you know you could survive without them? That speaks DIRECTLY to “Life should be about more than just surviving,” and Monty has told them to live. That is HEALTHY. That is ROMANTIC.

Second, he’s saying the opposite of what he feels (because he does still love her deeply, and right now he doesn’t have any other word for it than “need”), and this is an attempt to make her as insecure about their relationship as he is. We’ve already seen ample evidence that he is uncertain how Clarke feels about him. In these two episodes alone, he fidgets around her (tossing the radio when she bails on their talk to watch Murphy sing) and is still thoroughly shocked that she radioed him every day for six years. So saying that he doesn’t need her is his addled way of evening a playing field that he perceives as unbalanced (she sent him into MW alone, she chose the Grounders and he lost Gina, she aimed a gun at him, he poisoned Octavia and Clarke left him to die, etc.) It’s simply not true.

My third thought is a bit more of a stretch but takes their surroundings into consideration. He has JUST been talking to Echo through the door when he is distracted by Clarke, and “maybe you haven’t noticed” suggests that there is something evident about him that should prove to her that she’s no longer needed. To me, that says, “Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I have a girlfriend now, so I don’t need you anymore.” Again, it’s more of a stretch than the other two, but YOU GUYS. He could be comparing her, again, to his canon girlfriend (and we know there’s a long history of him only having romantic relationships when Clarke is MIA) and suggesting that whatever he feels for Clarke he now feels for this other person. Non-platonic feelings. Still lying to himself, but he does want to believe it’s true. I also think the “maybe you haven’t noticed” is hilarious because (except for the night Echo defected), he has missed all of Clarke’s jealous expressions when she watches them together, and might think that his relationship doesn’t bother her when we know it does. So saying what he says could also be a way to elicit a reaction.

Where I am confused, admittedly, is when Bellamy tries to kill Clarke (and Murphy) and shouts that he is protecting an unspecified person or group of people. Does he mean that he is protecting Clarke and Murphy by killing them, or that he is killing them to protect other people? The two things that set Bellamy off are Clarke and his feelings for her, and his need to protect people (Emori + whoever else he’s protecting by killing Clarke). Saying things like “you’re going to die for real this time” seems like an odd manifestation of his fear of losing her again (maybe), whereas saying things like “how many times have you tried to kill me” left me confused ... she only left him to die once? When and why did this become a revenge killing? (Would LOVE to get some peoples’ thoughts on this ... though like I said at the beginning, I think there are some things we won’t understand for sure until the subsequent episodes are released.)

Then we see Abby, Raven, Jordan, and the Sanctum woman waking them up. Raven asks CLARKE what happened to Shaw (interesting - it wasn’t accusatory so does she think she’ll get a straight answer from Clarke and not the “he died a hero” story that Bellamy concocted?). Then Bellamy looks at Clarke with dawning horror, and although she’d been touching his arm, she releases it now. I think that, although he may have forgiven her, he is painfully uncertain about where HE stands with her and THAT is what we see during his psychosis. And Clarke now knows that all isn’t forgiven/forgotten, and hearing him say those things to her while she was hallucinating about all the people she loved and lost certainly took a toll. I wonder if she'll be worse off emotionally in 6x03, before experiencing some of the positivity we saw in the trailer. Also - I just watched the trailer again and there are a couple of scenes where it looks like she has some bruising around her neck ... namely, when she meets JR Bourne and when she’s in the blue dress at the rave. Would love a second opinion.

Anyway, there’s a lot more I’d like to discuss about the episodes but this got loooong so I’m cutting myself off. If there’s anything else you’d like to know, my Ask box is open.

[osleyakomwonkru]

And we’re back, after a few deep breaths and many rewatches, and in no particular order....

My HEART.

“I’ll take 'Unhealthy Blake Guilt-Coping Mechanisms’ for 100 please, Alex.” Actually no, I won’t. I hate it. Make it go away. Octavia, my dear, you’ve got to stop learning from your brother because nothing good ever comes of that. Ditch his ass. Now. You don’t deserve to be anyone’s punching bag. You did nothing wrong, even if most of humanity thinks you did. Don’t let them gaslight you.

“My sister died a long time ago?” Go choke on that stick of sanctimonious self-righteousness that’s shoved so far up your ass it must be in your throat now, Bellamy. You think you’re learning from the past and past mistakes, but you’re not. You’re just a sanctimonious jerkbag. You’ve learned nothing.

Kane is unfortunately not dead enough. Though, he only appears in that one scene, on the ship, so maybe that’s a sign that he doesn’t make it to the ground, and that Kabby are sitting there staring into space as he slowly expires. Please let me be right.

That sparring between Octavia and Niylah better just be some friendly sparring before other people show up to ruin the party, because otherwise my Niytavia shipper heart can’t handle this shit.

Jackson, please put down the knife. I know you’re experiencing some psychosis (at least I hope that’s the case), but my Mackson shipper heart can’t handle that either.

“Salvation comes from faith and good works. You haven’t done anything yet.” I NEED TO KNOW WHO SHAW IS SAYING THIS TO. PLEASE LET IT BE BELLAMY. (But realistically it is probably Clarke. Sigh.)

It is unfair that Clarke gets to play and dance in hippytown while Octavia’s stranded on the spaceship from hell. If people are hating on Clarke as much as they are on Octavia, shouldn’t have Clarke been left up there too? Just sayin’.

Jordan sure looks like he’s making up for lost time.

Some sort of gun battle is going down in the spaceship, and I don’t know if it is an internal conflict or if Sanctum people have boarded it or what, but I’m more intrigued about that then the Spacekru psychosis.

I mean, I’m pretty sure hippytown is actually the evil people, and the so-called bad people in the woods are the good ones, but I wonder how long it’ll take until people realize that?

That snake creeps me the fuck out.

I am totally here for the facing of inner demons, as long as Bellamy gets to meet them too. And not just in an eclipse-induced psychosis mode, but in the visions and hallucinations that we see Clarke, Octavia, Madi and Murphy having.

I am especially here for the Girl Under the Floor vs Blodreina faceoff. But this isn’t about redemption, because my girl doesn’t need redemption, but because she needs to make peace with her past so she can just be herself again. I’d been hoping that S5 marked the end of shit raining down on her head so she could start to heal, but it seems that’s only going to happen after S6. I AM NOT OKAY ABOUT THIS.

The hypocrisy kills me. Just like it did in season 5. How people like Bellamy can dare to judge others (especially Octavia but also Clarke), when they’ve done much much worse, I don’t know. I’m sure some people might say it is quid pro quo, but isn’t “doing better” and “being the good guys” all about NOT doing that? About not letting rage and vengeance and general assholery take you over? Joke’s on you, Bellamy. You’re not a good guy. You’re not doing better. You’re just a damned hypocrite.

[jbuffyangel]

I agree with what you said in your podcast that Buffy should have ended after season 5. I would also like to add that Angel's reaction to Buffy's death at the beginning of Angel season 3 never ringed true to me. I thought he was WAY too warm and fuzzy for someone who just lost his soulmate, especially considering he gave up his happy ending with her JUST so she could live longer! I wanted MUCH more grief, angst, and pain (Joss just messes you up that way), and I HATED the Angel/Cordy thing!

Anon #2 said: Season 6 Buffy was just SO different, you could tell that it was on a different network. The whole vibe was different and I have a love/hate relationship with that season. No Giles, the trio, Tara dying. What did redeem it for me was how accurately they portrayed depression. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and bipolar and Buffy’s behavior was really accurate. It’s nice to see that on television and even nicer to see Buffy get better.

Anon #3 said: You are definitely not the only one who thinks it should have ended in S5. Personally, I liked enough of S6/S7 to not personally agree but several people I follow agree with you on this. And if it had ended in S5, I wouldn't have been disappointed. Although we wouldn't have gotten that Bangel cookie dough scene.

Anon #4 said: I know you watched Buffy, but did you ever watch Angel?SOLIDARITY MY BTVS FANS!! Honestly, I didn’t realize there were so many who agreed with me since Once More With Feeling is typically the fandom’s favorite episode. So these were really fun to read! I’m not a total crazy person or if I am then y’all are crazy with me which is even more fun.

I do agree Buffy’s depression and self hatred was scary accurate which is probably why it was such a difficult season to watch. It’s really hard to watch someone in that much pain all the time even if it is just fictional. You raise a really good point Nonnie. If it led to more compassion to those who are experiencing deipression n real life then that’s a vitally important impact. But it will always be my least favorite season. I’m sorry I just can’t with the Spike sex. lol

Yes, the cookie dough scene was amazing. Although, I feel like Angel deeply grieving Buffy’s loss, never falling in love again until he died saving the world, and they ended up in heaven together would have been even better. Not that I’ve given it much though over the last twenty years. ;)

I did watch all of Angel. I never loved it more than Buffy, which is odd because Angel is my favorite character. But it was a solidly great show.

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

13x20 “Unfinished Business” Mirror Mirror on the Wall, May We Get a Doppelgänger Story After All? - A Dean Heavy “Review” of 13x20 “Unfinished Business”

As the title of this meta/spec already states this episode analysis for lack of a better word will focus on Dean most since him and his arc have always been what interested me most about SPN and lately kind of truly has become the only reason I still watch the show. I will however later on in this piece also talk about the other characters and bits of the episode that stood out to me. But forefront with this piece definitely definitely is Dean.

And to talk a bit more about him and his role within the latest episode I decided to go with the bit captured as the gifset above, because to me Dean’s drinking this episode served as a visual cue not just for the entirety of his mindset within the episode, but more general too and how it may contribute to what lies ahead for him.

We have seen Dean’s drinking become a bit more frequent again the past few episodes, but it has been quite a while if memory serves right that we have seen Dean drink from the flask as earlier in the episode.

In fact, I think the last time Dean had drunk from it on screen was at the beginning of the season during the “therapy session”. To me that actually nicely closes a cycle, because to me it seems that Dean’s depression and absolute readiness to lay his head to rest is at an all time high again after it had subsided slightly after Cas returned. Nothing drove Dean’s tiredness and his wish for things to just be “over soon” home like the ending scene.

If this episode cemented one thing for me, it is that Dean is tired, he is done and he knows that something is coming for him. And not just due to Billie’s ominous words. To me it seems Dean knows more than he lets on and that he has a plan, because to me the whole framing of Dean this episode especially called back to S5 when Dean was about to say yes to Michael. Now, I don’t suggest that that is happening now (could also be Dean’s wound from the AU indeed is causing more issues or he made some other deal or just knows he’ll sacrifice himself no matter what, because he is tired and yes, tired Dean seemed all episode, tired and done), but it certainly could fit with other parts of the episode that served as major Dean mirrors imo this episode.

One of the big Dean mirrors imo was Kevin Tran (btw I think this episode marked Osric’s best SPN performance to date - really he deserves some standing ovations for this). Because while Dean on the surface looks more “put together” and he hides it behind a mask and stance of “annoyance” and “gruffness”, to me the way we see Kevin here is actually how it looks within Dean as well. And Kevin’s entire speech about never having believed in anything until the end of the world happened and everyone around him started to die. And then God chosing him and he not even being able to fathom what that means and how he had hoped that Michael would save the world, but ended up doing the opposite. All of that to me aligns very well with Dean’s own story too. We know that Dean has always struggled with having faith or believing that “good things do happen” and just like Kevin him and his brother experienced that everyone around them dies. And then just in S11 God again chose Dean, told him the world would be save in his and his brother’s hands (even if he left), because Dean is the firewall between light and darkness and Dean too wondered “what the hell that would even mean”. So yeah, to me their struggles here line up perfectly and to me it might hint at Dean making a deal (maybe with Michael or with someone/something else) in which he would offer himself up (compare that also to Jack’s “What’s the point if I can’t keep them safe?”) for the safety of his loved ones and the world. And especially this piece of dialogue here where Kevin is framed as a christ figure with the cross in the back felt ominously close to how the season may end...

That even if the Winchesters may win some at the end, they may lose more [as a brief side note here: tbh I was so angry about Dabb having the audacity to now use this rework of what should have been Crowley’s last words and that were so important to Mark Sheppard and cut them in the end only to bring them back now in reversal, because really to me it shows a lot about what kind of people the people are that are currently running the show, I find it disgusting, but anywho...]

And even though I still don’t think Michael!Dean is truly what will end up being the case I have to admit if they wanted to with the Kevin parallel (And as captured above the amount of halo shots with Dean this episode, the above is just one of many would fit to that - the shot actually also reminded of this one

in 9x21 “King of the Damned” where Dean also “sidelined” Sam to keep him save. So while last episode didn’t give me any feelings on Dean being back to MoC!Dean ways, this decision of his felt ominous and foreboding - I personally think in the end Dean will either yield the archangel blade or the Lance of Michael or will die/be wounded by one of those) this episode to me they laid enough groundwork to assume that maybe Dean has already “made contact” with Michael and agreed to something and offering himself up. Because it may not be about dying as Kevin told Jack, but about breaking a person enough for them to give themselves up due to the guilt they may feel (”You don’t know the things I have done” is a line that Demon!Dean for example used just like Kevin) and the lack of options they see for themselves to go on. And while Kevin dies here not for the greater good, but because he is at the end of his rope, I could see something similar happen with Dean only that it would be more of an action for the greater good (and btw the toy soldier in the AU to me also called back perfectly not just to the one stuck in the ashtray of the Impala, but to Dean himself, who was always reffered to as “a good little soldier”, a “blunt instrument” - really the writing in this regard and how it diminishes Dean as a person, but treats him like an object goes a long way back and fits to the whole vessel theme).

So Kevin’s death here rather rings some alarm bells of how bad it is going to get in the last 3 episodes. [as another brief side note here, I felt it rather unnescessary of them to show Jack’s wings here, because well, we have already known he has them for a while, this just seemed a little “hello causal viewer just so you KNOW” and well, I dislike things of that kind so... Plus: Can’t also say I love that they now also turned Mary’s words to Dean into a new thing here with an angel now watching over Mary (more on her a bit later as well). Seriosuly, yawnnnn, I don’t need that. It isn’t sweet or touching but just ughhh to me, but then again I am just not a fan of Dabb’s showrunning, so...]   And the other Dean mirrors in the episode didn’t make that feeling go away at all, but rather strengthened that bad stuff lies ahead. Because to me the other huge Dean mirror was Gabriel/Loki.

I had talked about the aspect of doppelgängers and the two halves of each person a lot before during the MoC arc and especially in relation to Dean’s arc in comparison to Charlie and Dark!Charlie and it seems to me that entire thread the show revisited with Gabriel going after his “alter ego” Loki. We basically got another doppelgänger story here in which someone has to face a side of “himself” he may not like as Gabriel told Dean about in this moment.

and well, I personally have always headcanoned and hoped the show would go this route with Dean after the mark was removed, because to me Dean was left “in pieces” after that and still isn’t whole again (which is why I always liked the idea of story where Dean puts himself back together again in a similar fashion as Sam did in S6 as I talked about also in one the last asks I replied to). Now, what to me made the Gabriel/Loki thing a possible Dean mirror or rather piece of foreshadowing is (and yeah it might be a bit farfetched, but hey this is spec and it is mean to just throw ideas around) how one could argue Michael or Lucifer are “doppelgängers” of the Winchesters, because they serve as counterparts as vessels so to speak. Looking at Gabriel’s “witness protection”-stunt and the way he points at Dean here. Of course it is meant as “you are right”, but to me this episode just heavily suggested that maybe we’ll get some sort of Dean in “witness protection” as well of some sort. Because why the hell put so much time into exploring this whole deal with Gabriel so late in the season if not to use it in some fashion (okay, of course it could be they don’t do anything further with it lol it is Dabb after all, and so far it also seems the wound was the same thing - both would be a shame if not further used imo)?

So to me there exists potential in a possible doppelgänger!Dean arc at the end of the season, because, well... didn’t anybody else think Loki’s clothing seemed awfully fitting to those we saw from BTS pics of Jensen?

Just era wise... It’s very little to go on, but I could imagine some sort of scenario in which Dean does something really dangerous in order to save the world so that he would need such “protection” (Hell, who says that Dean didn’t strike a deal with the trickster if not Michael or some other powerful being?) and hence the Non!Dean pictures? Even the trickster’s entire conversation with Dean and how he granted Gabriel this protection (if walking away from his family to me would absolutely align and fit with Dean “preparing” Sam for him to not be around for much longer and maybe not due to death, but something else) would fit into Dean’s arc.

In this regard I also found Gabriel’s tale about how he met Loki rather interesting as to me it felt also a fitting parallel to Michael in the cage. Gabriel said he had stumbled upon Loki bound in a cave while hiking the fjords while a snake spewed venom into Loki’s eyes. If you ask me you could also read this as Michael trapped in the cage where he was driven insane by Lucifer (commonly depicted as also the snake). So what if Dean saved Michael from the cage somehow just like Gabriel saved Loki? What if he owed Dean one and they made a deal? In any case to me this whole set up of facing up against yourself or “someone who wears your face”, your alter ego, dark side, shadow self, however you want to call it, could also nicely lead into a Michael against Michael scenario with all of the text and subtext in this episode...

And last but not least in relation to Dean’s talk with the trickster, something that stood out to me again was the topic of “John Winchster”.

It’s not the first time he came up this season and I have always said that Dean would need another “good bye” to truly let his father’s ghost rest (though what are the chances for that to happen with Heaven going out of business - though I suppose they’ll use Jack to power up Heaven again - unless the allusions and revisit of Crowley’s words were meant to put Jack as new Ruler of Hell, which I doubt).

So... I said this before, but I truly think that by the end of this season we will get a JDM scene of some sort - even if it just lasts for 10 seconds. Maybe it’ll be tied to Dean dying/close to dying or being in the veil or tied to Mary possibly dying and seeing him again or just simply due to all ghosts/souls crashing to Earth with Heaven falling lol. Which brings me to the other bits and characters of the episode that I want to briefly write about, I’ll do that behind the cut. But I have to say it seems whatever will happen with Dean, I get the feeling it will be heavy - sad thing is they could have built all of it up better over the whole season - maybe then I actually would have liked at least some of it lol, but yeah... I hope against hope for good things for Dean!Girls. What are the odds though...

Anyway, on to the rest with a few cliffnotes on other parts of the episode I liked/disliked/that stood out to me:

First and foremost I need to briefly mention Mary here and her whole regret/pain/guilt thing. I mean, it’s nice to know she finally realized she made mistakes, but sadly the show ruined her character so much for me that these scenes here where she was all “motherly” just enraged me, because really after this here

I wanted to scream: You didn’t lose any boys, you fucking abandoned them for a whole season!!! So yeah, not a fan of the Mary scenes at all, they felt cheap to me.

Something else I also greatly disliked was the tone shift in the episode between the worlds. I get that they wanted to be a bit Tarantino with everything Gabriel, but really to me this stuff doesn’t work. Not anymore. It just feels like SPN is a parody of itself at those times. And it’s a shame because I actually really loved Richard Speight’s acting as Loki/Gabriel. His anger, etc. was spot on. Though really, him suffering for 8 years... Please, compare that to Dean and 40 years in Hell or Sam with almost 120 years in the cage. Suck it up, Gabriel! ;P

And last but not least for a shot I really liked lol, because, well, Sam and Dean are literally Gabriel’s wings uhm wingmen here. ;)

Other than that I liked the episode. But probably only because of the focus I read into it in regards to Dean which may not end up being anything at all lol. But yeah, Jensen’s acting/my worry about Dean surely carried me through this episode.

[maybedeadbutstillpretty]

what are your favourite buffy summers moments?

I love you. This is the best thing anyone has ever or will ever ask me.

All right, I have been preparing for this question for my entire life (I mean it’s only been 2 and a half years since I watched Buffy for the first time, but I’m confident that I was put on this Earth to love Buffy Summers so it’s a moot point).

I mean, my favorite Buffy Summers moments are literally the entire show because good golly gosh do I love Buffy Summers. But I’ll pick 10 5 moments/episodes/themes to excessively ramble on about. This is going to get long.

1. When Buffy saves Joyce in Helpless - Buffy Summers is a goddamn hero, okay? She can’t help but be a hero. And it’s not because she’s the Slayer. It’s because she’s Buffy. And if you put people she loves in danger, she will hunt you down and destroy you. It doesn’t matter how scared and uncertain of herself she was for the entire episode. It doesn’t matter that she’s trying to cope with Giles’s betrayal. Buffy Summers is a hero. Honestly, there’s a bunch of other examples of this throughout the show, but this is the one that immediately came to mind.

2. Puns/Sass - There’s something so satisfying about Buffy’s puns and quips and insults when she’s fighting a monster or villain. It’s like her way of saying “You’re not as scary as you think you are. You’re not special.” It’s a whole different way of fighting evil. It’s something that, once again, doesn’t come from being the Slayer, it comes from being Buffy. It just gives me so much joy.

3. All of Season 6 - Yes, there are stumbles and mistakes made, by both Buffy and the writers, and yes, it’s a difficult and dark season, but Buffy’s depression storyline matters to me so much. As a person dealing with her own mental health struggles, watching a character I love as much as Buffy struggle through her trauma post-resurrection was so important to me Seeing her push through the highs and the lows, seeing her make progress only to get sucked back down again was both painful and weirdly encouraging. I love the juxtaposition of Buffy being forced to dig out her own grave into a dark, chaotic world, where the first thing she asks is, “Is this hell?” vs her in the season finale, crawling out of a hole in the ground into bright sunlight, her sister (the person she jumped off the tower for the first time, and didn’t jump for the second time) by her side, filled with new resolution to not only not die, but also to live (and god, there is such a difference between living and not dying). Buffy’s depression might not be a perfect portrayal, and some people may find S6 to be too dark and too far a departure from the earlier seasons, but it’s one of my favorites. I will forever be grateful to the writers for having the courage to take the risk that they did with that story (even if I am also angry at them for some of their other decisions). Every moment of Season 6 just made me love Buffy Summers even more that I thought I could.

4. Prophecy Girl - Right so, brief insight into Laura’s coping mechanisms - I spent years and years repressing any and all emotions I had because I was incapable of dealing with the bad ones and my mental illnesses (my mental health is going to get brought up a lot in this whole thing). One way of dealing I had was to watch or listen to other sad things that weren’t related to me and cry about that. But I would only ever cry when I allowed myself to. If I was surprised by something sad in a tv show or something, I never cried about it because it was not during a time when I carefully prepared myself to cry about something. I was in a place where I only gave myself permission to have emotions on rare occasions. But when I watched Prophecy Girl, I cried. Literally, for the first time in years, I cried without giving myself permission to do so. And it felt so good. Like, I felt more alive than I had felt in years. I’d been in therapy for over a year, but it took watching Buffy Summers cry about being forced to go to her death at age 16 for me to reach that breakthrough. And then, she still went. She wanted to live so badly (a feeling I couldn’t relate to), but all it took was seeing how scared Willow was to make her say screw it, I have to do this. She willingly walked to her death, because she knew it was right. Because no one else could do what she could. She wouldn’t let them. And then she dies. But when she’s brought back, she immediately seeks out the Master and she quips at him. “I may be dead, but I’ll still pretty,” was the moment I fell in love with Buffy Summers. It had been building all season, and especially in this episode, but that was the moment I was totally sold on her. I goddamn love Buffy Summers so much.

5. Buffy’s final speech in The Gift - Buffy’s speech to Dawn kind of changed my life. I know some people call her sacrifice a suicide, because there was a part of her that had given up and embraced her death wish, but I don’t see it that way. When she tells Dawn to tell Giles that she’s okay and she figure it out, it feels like her moving away from her earlier “I don’t know how to live in this world.” When she talks to Dawn at the top of the tower, she’s someone who understand that there is value in life. That life is worth living, no matter how hard it gets. When I first watched Buffy, I wanted to die. I was struggling cope with my mental illnesses and I hated my own existence. And myself. But over the the previous five seasons of Buffy, I had grown to love Buffy Summers. I connected with her in ways that I couldn’t really define and that I had never experienced with any other fictional character. So when she said “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me,” I felt it. I physically felt the impact of those words. I’m not saying that suddenly my depression was cured and everything was fine. I’m still mentally ill, I still deal with it. But after watching Buffy, I was not the same person as I was before watching. For the first time in years, I actually started looking for reasons to want to live. A few months ago, I got “Be brave. Live,” tattooed on my arm, and I stare at it every day and remind myself that life is worth living. Buffy Summers saved the world a lot, but she also saved me.

I was going to do a list of ten, but honestly I’m kind of crying a lot right now because I’ve never really put all of this into words like this before and I feel emotionally exhausted. But I really, really love everything about Buffy Summers and I could literally spend the rest of my life talking about it.

[thenerdyunhealthybrit]

Bonnie’s Ships

Okay, I decided to make a post on Bonnie’s ships. None of them are Anti because I do genuinely see the appeal in all of them. There is not one Bonnie ship that I actively detest and create Anti posts about them. If I was reading an ensemble fanfic, I would care who Bonnie was with, as long as she’s happy.

FYI: The order is Beremy, Kennett, Bamon, Bonkai and Bonenzo if anyone just wants to go to their ship, I think that’s all her ships. I apologise if I omitted any out, just let me know and I will add one.

Beremy:

To be honest, this wasn’t an awful ship. When they first got together, I thought it was cute - it was the most human relationship in the supernatural show. But then...Ghost! Anna happened. Now I loved Jeremy and Anna as well, they were sweet but I hated how Jeremy cheated on Bonnie with her and frankly it ruined this ship for me because Bonnie deserved better. The writers then brought them back together in a very lazy manner because once they got together, they were barely a couple - now in real life this would be good, since they aren’t experiencing any drama, but not only was there zero focus on the ship (unlike other secondary ships) but the writers constantly split Bonnie from the main storyline. The end of Beremy just didn’t really register.

Kennett:

Sorry, Kennett shippers, I tried to find a good gif for you guys but couldn’t find one. So here it goes, I like this ship. Nate and Kat had great chemistry, it was a shame that the writers didn’t explore that. Yeah there reasoning was bullshit (since they didn’t have a problem with Davina being with Kol), they should have been honest and said “We are keeping the shows separate, Kol belongs on The Originals!” - What was great about this pairing was that you have the bad guy/good girl dynamic but the bad guy doesn’t change. He’s still bad, but it was the kind of bad to everyone else except you. As I said, it’s a shame it wasn’t explored, especially since I read that the actors wanted it. But for all you hardcore Kennett shippers - count your stars lucky, by S5 the show was out of it’s doors in the show’s popularity and writing. Look at the mess of later seasons and some of their ships. At least in headcanons, fanfics and fan art - the writers can’t ruin it for you.

Bamon:

This is a tough one because I am Anti-Damon (Sorry folks, he just gets away with a lot of unforgivable crap) but I am fond of Bamon. These characters do have chemistry, however I’m not sure if it’s the romantic kind - sometimes characters have chemistry as friends but as soon as they go from friends to lovers, the chemistry dies - Out of context, this could be a ship I could ship, they have a beautiful friendship and their prison world storyline was better than the main one. However, in context, I feel a conflict because as I said, I’m not Damon’s biggest fan and Bonnie use to very strongly hate him, there are some stuff that he did that should be unforgivable, especially since before she felt strongly about it. I think if the show followed the books, Bamon could have been a great ship, but with all the stuff that happened in the show (and how the writers brushed over it), I prefer their friendship.

Bonkai:

Okay, this was Kat’s strongest chemistry with any of the actors. This could have rivalled some of the biggest ships on the show. I think it has to do with their dynamic. Bonnie has been through so much crap in her life, she’s always expected to save the day and make sacrifices and never gets the reward she deserves, as a result her character has become quite serious, she’s had to grow up more than the rest of the characters. Meanwhile Kai is a psychopath, but he’s fun and he plays into that dynamic really well and Kai did become the strongest part of S6. However, I think as the season went on, the writers kept digging this hole for Kai to fall deeper and deeper in, narratively it got to the point where he couldn’t be redeemed. But there was that point where he could have become an Anti-hero. Again, other issue was with the writers, Bonnie refused to believe that Kai could be redeemed because of all the bad stuff he in, but she has no problems with forgiving Damon. This will be one of the biggest what ifs, because on chemistry alone, I ship it but on context I don’t. 

Bonenzo:

If you’re still reading this, then thank you for staying with me. Anyway, now onto Bonenzo, or is it Bonzo? Anyway, to make it simple, I ship it. When they first happened, I found out from a friend since I was on a hiatus from the show and I first thought “Wtf?” They barely shared any scenes before and I honestly thought that if they were going to put Enzo in a ship, it would be Caroline (Carenzo are a BrOTP of mine). But anyway, I never understood it, then I hear about the one episode about it and slowly I got it. I think this is down to Michael and Kat’s real life friendship as they give a real human aspect that other The Vampire Diaries ships (I know I said something similar about Beremy, but with Bonenzo, you don’t forget that they’re together) don't since they are too focused on the supernatural or having angst. Now, I wouldn’t say their chemistry is on fire, but they have a sweet chemistry, it’s impossible to not root for. These two, like many of Bonnie’s ships were robbed (especially since we were promised a big season for Bonnie in S8). I’m bitter about Enzo’s death, these two had probably the most mature relationship in all of The Vampire Diaries AND The Originals.

Moral of the story: BONNIE WAS ROBBED AND DESERVED BETTER

Sidenote: Thank god for Fanfiction, because they write better for Bonnie than the writers ever did.

[mittensmorgul]

6.18: *waves hello at Dabb from 1861*

So how important is this episode to s12? Considering it was written by Dabb, reveals the origins of the Colt, has Samuel Colt PUT THE GUN INTO SAM WINCHESTER’S HAND, and makes Dean an agent of the Colt’s original mythology as the actual person who used the gun to kill a phoenix with it in Colt’s original journal, I’d say it’s CRUCIAL to understanding the events of s12.

Like, possibly one of the most relevant episodes to consider when trying to understand the puzzle of s12.

No I am not overselling this. I’m definitely underselling it here.

I keep talking about the events of 6.20 as being important to understanding s12, but HONESTLY THAT IS THE PRESTIGE. That’s the distraction. The real trick to s12 is what’s happening under the surface. The underling Winchester Family Dynamic and all of the emotional underpinnings have their true foundations in 6.18. This is where the real trick will happen.

And I’m basing all of that speculation on the return of the Colt. Because this is the episode that makes Sam and Dean CENTRAL FIGURES in the mythology and history of that gun. It’s the episode that gives THEM the absolute right to it, as part of their family’s legacy that’s been literally stolen by interlopers.

It’s a part of their history that Mary just DOES NOT UNDERSTAND, or she never would’ve betrayed them to steal it and hand it over without question to the BMoL.

And if that’s not symbolic of EVERYTHING in s12, then I don’t know what is.

Everything else in s12 is set dressing.

Like Dean’s “set dressing” where he was going for “authenticity” that he quickly realized was so not authentic to the reality of 1861. His stupid serape, and their too-clean clothes were the furthest thing from authentic... But they learned quick, adapted. Not only did they blend in, Dean practically fell into the role of Sheriff.

Everything about Sunrise, Wyoming in 1861 turned Dean’s expectations on their head. He was forced over and over again to confront his own assumptions, expectations, and beliefs and face the truth-- in everything from his ridiculous blanket cape, the terrible whiskey, the whole place being so much more “germier” than he expected, right up to the fact that Samuel Colt himself had been a hunter. 

DEAN Well, we do know one thing that'll kill friggin' anything, right? SAM Yeah, the Colt. DEAN So, you go get the gun. SAM But isn't the gun coming here? I mean, according to Samuel Colt's journal? DEAN Yeah, but people here barely even know who Colt is. Maybe you got to go find him and make history.

(and yes, this is how you do time travel PROPERLY in a story)

Because the Colt has always killed the phoenix, because Sam and Dean had always been the ones in 1861 who’d made that happen. They’re not CHANGING history, they were part of it. They just didn’t KNOW they were part of it until after they went back and experienced it for themselves from the present... The present had to “catch up” to the past so it could loop around properly.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

RACHEL Castiel, I've been hearing things. Things I don't want to believe. Just tell me if it's true. CASTIEL If what's true? RACHEL You know. Your dirty little secret. CASTIEL I have to defeat Raphael. RACHEL Not this way, Castiel. CASTIEL Rachel. RACHEL We put our faith in you, and...look what you're turning into. CASTIEL I don't have a choice.

(WORST. PHRASE. EVER.)

We begin to understand just how desperate Cas has become in fighting his war. Put together with Death’s warning about the souls and what we learned he was doing in 6.17 that Sam and Dean don’t really understand yet, and the fact that we find out Crowley is really still alive in 6.19, and actually WORKING WITH CAS, the horrible truth of everything is slowly being revealed to US in a way that makes us just want to scream at the tv screen, but Sam and Dean are still in the dark. They still don’t have this full story, which is what leads Dean to honestly still trust Cas until all his illusions shatter in a ring of holy oil in 6.20.

But this time, in s12, the illusion isn’t Cas’s deception, it’s Mary’s...

Sam gets to convince Samuel Colt that he is worth of the gun, that he’s a hunter from the future. He proves it, and then some.

SAMUEL COLT All right. (he places Sam's blackberry behind his desk on the bookshelf) SAM A-all right? That's -- uh, that's it? SAMUEL COLT Well, when you've done this job as long as I have...a giant from the future with some magic brick doesn't exactly give you the vapors.

And he has Colt’s journal, and passes all of Colt’s tests:

SAMUEL COLT (nods) Not bad. (Samuel opens his jacket so Sam can see the colt in his holster) You don't want it. It's a curse. Believe me. SAM Great. Then let me take it off your hands. SAMUEL COLT You go put on a few more miles and come back, and we'll talk. SAM Trust me, I've got plenty of mileage. SAMUEL COLT I'm doing you a favor. Believe me. SAM So, what? You can really just sit there? SAMUEL COLT I've given my whole life to this. I'm done. SAM So it doesn't matter what happens. SAMUEL COLT No, it doesn't. SAM So everything you did, it all means nothing? Give me the gun.

Meanwhile back at Bobby’s, Cas lies about Rachel to Bobby, telling him that she was “corrupted” by Raphael and had turned on him. But it’s just another “regrettable” thing he’s been forced to do because of circumstances.

And we get a visual depiction of just what Cas might want with all those souls he’s been amassing-- and a hint of just what he might’ve been able to do if he could just tap into the power of all the souls in Purgatory.

CASTIEL The human soul -- it's pure... energy. If I can siphon some of that off, I-I might be able to bring Sam and Dean back.

But we also learn the truth about the Phoenix that Dean knows he has to kill. Just like the monsters in s12 who are truly “innocent” and don’t deserve to be killed just for what they are, Finch was just trying to live his life when it was torn apart...

ELIAS I was married to a woman. Good woman -- human. We lived outside of town, didn't bother anyone. DEAN Sure, freak with a heart of gold. ELIAS You want to call me "monster," fine. But all we did was go into town. I go into the bank for five minutes. I come out, she's gone. And then I heard her scream. (Exhales sharply) This... man had her pinned in the alley. I go to stop him, he pulls his gun, shoots me, then her. She died in my arms. 'Course, I don't die. The shots brought the Sheriff. Next thing I know, I'm in iron. That's why I want him just where he is -- trapped, scared. I saved the best for last.

He’d done NOTHING to deserve this. Like the monsters in s12 that have been attacked by the BMoL and their misguided plans.

But back in s6, Dean was locked into this “fate” to kill the phoenix. His ashes were the only thing that could potentially stop the Mother of All Monsters from destroying humanity in revenge for what Crowley (and Cas, but that’s still the prestige of s6, and s12 is about addressing this from a new perspective where only these surface trappings are similar and the underlying story is buried underneath, in a neat REVERSAL of these two stories of s6, because now in s12 it LOOKS like the betrayal of 6.20 is the “main story” like it was in s6 but that’s actually the SIDE STORY the way Eve was the “side story” in s6... I hope that makes sense... essentially the script has been flipped).

In s12, Dean’s the one standing “outside the story” and isn’t “fated” to shoot the phoenix (metaphorically, anyway). He’s the one writing the pages this time around, and not relying on waiting for history itself to catch up to them the way Samuel Colt’s long-fated care package did.

Because at this point in s6, Sam and Dean were entirely absorbed in and distracted from the REAL larger problem (of Cas and Crowley going after the souls of Purgatory to weaponize them against Raphael). To them, at this point in s6, Eve WAS the big bad. They didn’t understand yet that she was merely a SYMPTOM of this larger scheme. They were buying into the prestige, and when the penny dropped they were entirely unprepared despite Death’s warning, despite EVERY HINT EVER that it was “about the souls.”

And that was partly due to Dean’s unshakable faith in Cas.

And hell if it didn’t get shook real good before the end.

But this time? Dean trusts his instincts. And Cas HAS been essentially honest with them, has made that dying declaration to them of Who He Is (A Winchester), that he loves them and is family to them.

Their family that doesn’t end in blood.

And Dean DOESN’T trust Mary, or the BMoL, even if that’s his “legacy.” Because family don’t START in blood either.

He’s keeping his own council and trusting himself and the people who’ve put their trust in him.

The one thing he doesn’t know is how Sam came to have the Colt in 12.17. And when he gets that truth, the Colt will have served its other main function: As the key that unlocks the metaphorical Hell Gate Samuel Colt was building back in 1861, and that opened in 2.22 to spit out John Winchester on the orders of a yellow-eyed demon...

And then the circle can be complete.

That’s the trick of s12, right there.

[thinkbusbythink]

Airmail (Call the Midwife Fic)

I am fretting to the point of obsessing over the potential dearth of pupcake scenes for S6.  What with all the speculation regarding how long Patsy will be in it (and the episode synopsis stating that Patsy has to make difficult choices in episode 2) I have been imagining a long period of separation for them.  These thoughts have swirled round and coalesced into a fic (of course).  IT IS SAD.  I make no bones about it.  I have also included Sister Ursula, but I have no idea what her character is really like.  (I don’t think I’m too far off the mark - but let’s see).  

Anyhow - I will get it on AO3 at some point but it’s not behaving tonight, so Tumblr peeps get an advance read :)

AIRMAIL

Sister Ursula finished saying Grace and then waited for the table's occupants to finish loading their plates for dinner and thus the volume of noise to reduce before making her announcement.  "I received a telephone call from Nurse Mount today."

Any residual talking stopped instantly and every pair of eyes turned to the senior nun.  

"Patsy?  Oh, how is her father?" Trixie asked immediately.

"He remains very poorly.  Nurse Mount rang to advise that her absence from Nonnatus House would be longer than anticipated," Sister Ursula informed the others with clinical detachment.

"How much longer?" Delia asked, her voice slightly raspy.  Her throat felt like it was constricting and she cursed her emotions for betraying her so obviously.

"Nurse Mount couldn't provide an exact timeframe," Sister Ursula responded, viewing the trainee midwife coldly.  "After discussion, we thought it best that she tender her resignation."

"What?"  Sister Julienne queried reflexively.  She had spoken to Nurse Mount at length about the situation with her father and had been quite prepared to allow Patsy a Sabbatical, advising her that there would always be a place for someone with her skills at Nonnatus.  

Her query was echoed by the others and Barbara and Trixie shot incredulous looks at each other.

Delia forced herself to stare steadily at Sister Ursula.  She knew that if she caught sight of anyone else, she was likely to fall apart.  Aware that she was shaking, she carefully put her cutlery down and folded her hands into her lap, out of view.

Sister Ursula carried on as if there had been no reaction to her previous comment whatsoever.  "Nurse Mount agreed that it would be unfair to maintain a vacancy at Nonnatus House while she tended to her father.  She also intimated that it would take some time to close his business and other affairs in Hong Kong once the inevitable happens."  She took her time to gaze around the table before continuing.  "I passed on the House's best wishes and advised that we would hold her belongings in storage for her, until such time as she confirmed where they should be sent."

"Are you saying that she's not coming back at all?" Trixie asked incredulously.

"Not to Nonnatus House, no.  I made no enquiry regarding her other intentions," Sister Ursula replied curtly before spearing a morsel of food and eating.  Her action indicated that the discussion was finished.

"Did she say anything else?" Barbara asked, ignoring the body language deliberately.  "Were there any messages for us?" She requested hopefully.  Surely Patsy would have said that she was missing them, or left some parting words.

"She asked me to pass on her regards," Sister Ursula replied after finishing her mouthful of food.  The nun didn't feel it necessary to expand on the conversation.  The woman had clearly been distraught about her father's condition.  There was no need for the other nurses to know she had been barely able to speak.  Besides, sentimental goodbyes didn't do anyone any good, and it looked like both Nurse Franklin and Nurse Busby were going to break at any moment.  They really needed to toughen up if they were to remain in midwifery for the long haul.

Trixie looked straight at Delia, pained worry clearly etched on her face, but Delia was resolutely staring at her plate.  Trixie could see that the Welsh nurse looked stricken, but knew she couldn't say anything right now.  Patsy was Trixie's best friend.  If she was distraught at her potentially permanent absence, she couldn't even begin to imagine how Delia was feeling, given how close they were.

Delia's mind was reeling.  The information Patsy had received concerning her father indicated that he was gravely ill.  The midwife wasn't even sure if she would make the journey in time, but she knew she had to try.  She needed to make one last attempt at reconciliation.  For her own sake, as well as for her mother and sister.

Patsy had promised Delia that she would return home as soon as she could.  There would be no reason for her to stay in Hong Kong once her father died, but from the information provided by Sister Ursula, it would seem that there was actually a significant amount of work for Patsy to do while she was there.

Delia determinedly put the brakes on any thoughts regarding Patsy potentially not returning.  If Delia was certain of anything in life, it was that Patsy did not break a promise.  She waited patiently while the others finished their dinner.  She had lost her appetite and made no pretence of eating anything.  She was rather grateful that the others seemed to realise that she needed to be alone with her thoughts as no one sought to strike up a conversation with her.

After assisting with the washing up, Delia excused herself politely and retreated to her room.  She half expected to collapse onto her bed and sob, but the tears would not come.  Everything felt bottled up and trapped inside her.

Instead she pulled open a drawer at her writing desk and located the stationery she had purchased just a few days ago.  She unfolded the light blue paper and looked at it critically.  It was much thinner than her usual writing paper, but it did not feel fragile.  The page was longer than the standard size of paper and it had three flaps, striped in red and blue.  Once folded properly, the page would be the same size as a formal envelope and indeed had appropriate markings indicating where the address and the sender's address should be written.  At the top, in dark blue, were the words 'Par Avion'.

Delia had often seen airmail letters in the shops when she had been younger, and had harboured romantic thoughts of writing heartfelt missives to be posted to a far off mysterious destination.  Those imaginings had never included the crushing feeling of loneliness and isolation she was currently experiencing.

The Welsh woman shook her head, cross with herself for being unable to shake off her black dog mood.  She grabbed a newly purchased 'biro' pen.  It was said not to leak as much as a fountain pen, and knowing that she only had a limited amount of space, Delia didn't want to waste any of it to a blotchy ink spot.

She smoothed the paper out once again and stared at the blank page.  It didn't seem nearly big enough for what she wanted to say; what she wanted to tell Patsy.  Perversely, however she didn't even know where to start.  This wasn't like writing a normal letter.  If she made a mistake, she would simply grab another sheet and start again.  With this letter, she would have to cross the error out, wasting valuable space.

Delia pushed the airmail paper to one side and grabbed her notebook, listing the things she wanted to write to Patsy about and then ordering, and re-ordering them for their importance.  She then scrapped the order because her first priority was to tell Patsy how much she loved and missed her, but Delia was convinced she would be unable to find the words to describe that.

Absently, Delia reached over and switched the desk lamp on, and a warm yellow hue illuminated the area instantly.  She hadn't realised how long she had sat there, or how dark it had got.  And yet her letter remained stubbornly blank.  The paper mocked her with the absence of ink and Delia felt her eyes prick with tears of frustration.  She rubbed them angrily and placed the paper directly in front of her and grabbed her biro again.

Carefully, and in much smaller writing than usual, Delia wrote her first words.

Dearest Patsy,

Delia hesitated again before looking back at her list and making a decision.  She slowly began to write about the other nurses and nuns at Nonnatus House, as well as updating Patsy on Shelagh's condition.

She smiled grimly as she wrote.  It was easier to start with other people.  With other things that had less impact.  It provided a rhythm for Delia to get into, and she steadily moved on from news of the others, to news of herself.  How she was progressing with her studies, and what she was dealing with.  Nothing was particularly exciting or enthralling, but Delia knew that any thread of news and familiarity from home would be welcome to Patsy when she received the letter.

She stalled when she finished her summary and realised that she still hadn't spoken about how she felt.  

Delia wasn't sure if it was fair of her to write and tell Patsy just how much she missed her.  Was it right that she should pour her heart out in a letter, telling Patsy of how she kept her pyjama top under her pillow?  Should she tell her that every so often, she would spray a tiny amount of the perfume Patsy had left behind on it, just to top up the fragrance and give the impression that Patsy had only recently left her bed?  

She stared at the blank section, feeling overwhelmed.  She had no idea how Patsy had coped when Delia had gone back to Wales.  She felt a fraud for feeling grief-stricken.  Patsy was not lost to her forever.  She knew where she was, and how she felt.  But the very fact that she didn't know how long Patsy would be away gnawed at her.  She had no countdown.  She had no date marked in a secret calendar that she could steadily mark to indicate how soon it would be until they were reunited.

Delia sniffed, and bit down on a sob.  She would not cry she told herself determinedly.  She wasn't a crier.  Her eyes might fill with tears, but she was not going to let them fall.  And she would not cry over this temporary separation.  She would be strong and patient.

She was startled from her internal monologue by a tap on the door.  Delia cleared her throat before answering.  "Come in."

Phyllis Crane opened the door, a cup and saucer in hand.  "Good evening Nurse Busby.  I hope you don't mind, but I thought you could do with a cup of tea."

Delia gave her a weak smile.  "That's terribly nice of you, Nurse Crane.  Thank you."  She stood and took the cup gratefully, sitting back down.

Phyllis hovered in the doorway.  "Would you mind if I disturbed you for a few moments?" She asked hesitantly.

Delia nodded.  "Of course not.  Come in."

Phyllis stepped in and, a little surprisingly, sat down on Delia's bed.  "I know this evening wasn't the most ideal night to get news like that.  I know Trixie is at her commitment and Barbara is out with Reverend Hereward, but they both talked about cancelling to make sure that you were alright."

"Why wouldn't I be alright?" Delia asked defensively.

Phylllis canted her head to one side.  "You've every right to be upset, Nurse Busby.  There aren't many that have such a strong bond as you and Nurse Mount.  To be separated from that is tough and it hurts."

"I'll be fine," the Welsh woman replied.

"Of that I have no doubt," Nurse Crane agreed.  "But it's alright to be upset in the meantime.  You don't have to keep everything inside."

"Not according to Sister Ursula," Delia retorted bitterly.

"I can't say I'm a fan of Sister Ursula's methodology," Phyllis commented blandly.  "What I can say is that we have feelings for a reason.  When we're working, we must control them, as people are relying on us for help and treatment."  She paused and looked steadily at the young nurse.  "When we're among friends, it behooves us to be honest and let those feelings out."  She tutted slightly.  "As much as the equilibrium at Nonnatus House is not as it was, please remember that you are surrounded by friends.  And by those that care.  I may be old and viewed as a bit of an oddity, but I have a good ear for listening, if you feel the need."

Delia choked back a sob.  "I miss her so much," she whispered, before emotion took her voice and she began to cry.

Phyllis swallowed down her own emotion and immediately got up and enveloped Delia in a hug.  "That's it kid.  Let it out," she whispered as she gently rubbed the brunette's back.

Delia grabbed hold of Phyllis's sleeve and buried her face in her shoulder.  It wasn't simply the shock of being told that Patsy would now be gone for a lot longer.  It was Patsy's absence that made Delia's heart ache.

The loss of control was only fleeting and Delia sat back, rubbing the tears away furiously even as she looked up at Nurse Crane in embarrassment.  "I'm sorry."

Phyllis shook her head and smiled.  "Don't apologise for your feelings, Delia.  Ever.  They make you who you are.  Now, I see there's some room left on that page.  I suggest you tell a certain person just how much they are missed, and how much you're looking forward to their return.  Trust me, it will make you both feel better."

Delia frowned.  "Are you sure?  I don't want to put any pressure on her."

"I'm sure," Phyllis confirmed.  She smiled and squeezed Delia's shoulder encouragingly.  "Think of the importance of reading a personal letter, with so many important, vital things detailed that speak directly to your heart.  And then think about how much greater the importance is, when that letter is read in a faraway place by someone who is probably feeling quite isolated.  When every word is pored over and cherished."

Delia nodded shakily.  "Alright.  I'll try."

"Just remember that you can send more than one letter too.  Once you've written the first one, I think you'll find the next one easier."

"I'm hoping that I won't have to write too many," Delia demurred as she looked down at the paper.

"If you're talking about how long you'll be waiting before Nurse Mount... Patsy returns, then I understand.  But if you're talking about what's in your heart, I couldn't imagine ever being able to stop writing frankly," Phyllis replied with a warm smile.  "I'll leave you to it.  But I will be up for a while yet if I can interest you in a mug of Bournevita when you're done."

Delia nodded.  "That would be lovely," she replied politely, realising as she spoke that she absolutely meant it.  She looked back down at the rest of the airmail letter and picked up the pen again.

'Cariad, let me start what I really want to say to you with the phrase I always use; I love you more than everything...'