#like he is a NERD and hes a nerd about the universe

[bruhstation]

hello tumbled er

greetings and salutation. it is I, senja heterocaine, speaking to you through your favorite home screens. now you might be wondering: where on earth has senja heterocaine disappeared to these past 5 months? well the answer is as simple as it gets

I focused on my studies.

well yes that is the main reason. but that's like the nerd "obvious" answer. there’s other reasons too. some of which includes me getting into new interests, revisiting my old, hibernating interests, getting involved in university organizations and events, getting more involved in big family stuff since I'm the oldest and the only of-age grandchild of grandma from mom's side.... lots of stuff

so I just finished the third semester of premed school right. honestly speaking, with how I was losing motivation on drawing, the art block post-art fight, and lack of time, I decided to well, take a break. and it’s pretty convenient too since it was early on in the third semester. during the entirety of it I was feeling pretty proud of myself like "oh I've been studying a lot. I've taken a break from drawing and blog stuff. surely things will get better" and it did! not immensely but it's significant enough that for once I don't feel an indescribable sense of terror after the semester ends. the focus of this semester was about reproduction systems and growth and development which is pretty fun? we get to use models and medical phantoms hands-on and poke them with needles and other rube goldberg contraptions. I did miss breeding bacterias in petri dishes and seeing my friends burn the microbiology lab’s ceiling like last semester though. my grades are also improving… slowly but surely

(aftermath not pictured: me lounging on the couch scrolling through quora to see if there are people currently in college wanting to drop out)

maybe I was aiming too high. at least my grades are better than the previous two semesters and my social life is much better than it was back in high school. speaking of exams -- I went through my first osce exam around a week ago (practical exam to see if you can actually perform the skills labs lessons from the entire semester like you're a real physician). it was the most terrifying day of the month. my dentist said I have a big tongue and that’s why I can’t speak properly if I’m being too fast. ntm I WAS NERVOUS!!! MY FIRST OSCE!!! with how I memorized everything I needed, I was pretty confident that I'd pass, though. I didn't and retook the exam the next day. the prelude was the worst crash out ever

ah ptooey. I'll just take it like a champ. my tutor who's 3 years older than me and currently in the anesthetic rotation of co-ass told me that things will get easier but that's very subjective. he's a medical olympiad student after all. my parents are pretty happy though with how my academic life is becoming better so that's that

LETS MOVE ON TO SOMETHING LIGHTER. section B: what I've been getting into ever since bruhstation was put on cryostasis

you know Transformers One (2024)? the transformers movie directed by josh cooley? based on the Transformers(tm) franchise by Takara Tomy and Hasbro? most tragic break up movie of the decade? I watched it twice, squealed once, and left me broken and inconsolable for weeks on end. it made me revisit my dormant transformers interest after 5 years. I've reread the idw comics (mtmte, LL, taao, main transformers comic), and is currently checking out more (reading the wreckers saga right now). god it made me miss rodimus and friends' zany space opera adventures. I've always envisioned casa tidmouth to have the same tone as mtmte... the oftentimes dark humor, fridge horror stuff, weird magic/science, the roller coaster of emotions, confronting the past... its crazy good.

stories where misfits and knuckleheads band together in a confined space while having crazy doctor who-like adventures am I right. like I want casa tidmouth to be like that. remind me to thank 14 year old me for this trip down memory lane. and as usual, I tend to make self-indulgent crossovers of any interest I'm thinking about at the moment with casa tidmouth

a terrifying sneak peak on what's to come.

I've been working on my oc projects too. you may have seen some of them on artfight (graciela, saudade, altair, etc) but I've been focusing the most on graciela and saudade's universe, children's heterotopia. it has the largest amount of characters in any story I've created (not counting casa tidmouth), the most effort put into planning the stories and weaving in its themes about capitalism, patriarchy, period-typical bigotry, etc. there's human experimentation and they're given powers that range from punching super hard to time and space displacement. I also inserted whatever I wanted into the story. sure, yes, there's a lesbians-only organization of which its members are named off the knights of the round table, theres a mafia that focuses more on the family drama and attempted parricide from all angles, and tragic assassin maids of which their names are wuthering heights references. also if you've been following my main tumblr hajimedics for a while, you might've seen my three fairly oddparents ocs. well I've given them the tezuka star system treatment and inserted them into children's heterotopia as well.

I've also gotten into UTAU production! I've made a number of UTAU covers but haven't uploaded them to youtube. only shared them around with my friends on priv twitter. a good friend of mine assisted in the creation of my own UTAU voicebank! their name is TORKA (like "torque"), their voice bank has a slight accent when singing in japanese (because I'm their voice lol) and CV-only, their in-universe lore is that they're an intergalactic train conductor picking up wayfarers and outcasts trying to find a place in the vast universe, and I love them dearly

moving on! this is a thomas the engine and company blog THIS IS A LIFE UPDATE POST

I'd rather not discuss about how I'm doing mentally in deep detail BUT what I'll say is that I can't confidently say "I'm doing better" or "I'm doing worse" because it always depends on the days. things are okay-ish nowadays. some days are scary. some days are boring. I still experience delusions, (ironically) worried about my anhedonia, and believe that certain bouts of confidence will trigger a jinx, but I think I've been controlling myself well? at least? I keep internalizing the belief that I'm an adult. 20 years old. I have to act accordingly and my life in real life is ten times more important than the internet. things are going to change more and more once I graduate premed and began the co-ass program. I have to think 10 steps into the future. building successful connections before you turn 30. sigma grindset and all that. sorry that was my father using my body as a spirit medium

AND ALSO. ALSO. BACK TO THE BLOG DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME I PROMISED TO MAKE A COMIC BASED ON THE RESULTS OF THE 1000 FOLLOWERS POLL AND NEVER DID UNTIL NOW. I'm terribly sorry. I promise I will get into it I SWEAR procrastination is kicking my ass. I have to plan the dialogue and script and stuff AND DRAW BUT

BUT HERE’S THE FUNNY THING

THE BLOG REACHED 2000+ FOLLOWERS A FEW MONTHS AGO

NOW WHAT DO I DO TO CELEBRATE?

I don’t know honestly. I haven’t done the 1000+ followers celebratory comic, and NOW I HAVE 2000+ FOLLOWERS. THERES 2000+ OF YOU NOW!!!!! THAT’S CRAZY (IN A GOOD WAY)!!!! I thank you all for sticking with bruhstation through thick and thin for around 2 and a half years. I’m glad for all your support, fanarts, asks, and such truly. like wow. 2k. in such a short time too! thanks guys. admittedly, I feel kind of guilty to leave everyone hanging for months with nothing to give, especially with such a high follower number. and realistically? I don’t think I’ll be able to draw as much as I used to. like I’ve said earlier, I’ve been busy with my personal life and oc projects. it’s not like I’m abandoning this blog any time soon? I’m just speaking from a logical perspective, given my status as a student and (possibly, hopefully) future doctor too. I don't want to burn myself out posting like thrice a week, answering asks daily, I want to take things slow. at my own pace. maybe I'll focus on designing side characters as well and thinking about their roles in the story! but that's for another day. I’m just glad everyone’s still sticking around and enjoying my silly stuff

I do want to draw more for this blog! I want to put thomas and co. in more situations. make them dance for all our entertainments. but when you’re an adult, you realize that you have your own priorities. you can’t always do the things you wanna do. you can’t just drop something you don’t like out of the blue. sometimes you have to sigh, scratch the back of your neck, and brave it while saying “I sure am getting old”

oh and also I'm a butch lesbian now. still he/they (heavy preference on he/him), still preferring masculine terms like "mr", "sir", "guy", still as crazy as ever. still aroace too and not interested in dating, something that's been a constant in my identity ever since I'm in early high school. little have changed I can assure you this. I am still senja. senja heterocaine from the net.

and thus concludes senja’s life update post! what will the next post after this be about? something gordon-centric again? serious colored art? old men yaoi? silent hill UK localization? place your bets. everyone loves a good laugh

[jazzthatonewriterchick]

DRABBLE: Nerdy BF!Choso x Popular GF!Reader 💜🤓

Warnings: Smutty Smut; 18+ (MINORS GTFO); BF!Choso; No Curse AU; College AU; Black-Coded!Reader; Public Sex; Sneaky Blowjob; Deepthroating; subby!Choso x FDom!Reader; Cunnilingus; Pussy-Drunk!Choso is the Best Choso tbh; L-Bombs; Sweet Fluffy Aftercare

Writer’s Note: I originally wanted to write this as a one shot, but my first week at my new job didn’t allow my brain to work so I made the concept into a lil drabble. Enjoy! -Jazz

*****************

I’m thinking about Nerdy!Choso who doesn’t look anything like a nerd but is extremely intelligent, very awkward, always has a book in his hand, and is at the top of all of his college classes.

Nerdy!Choso who dresses in leather, saggy jeans where silver chains hang from his pockets and his fingers are adorned in rings that he plays with when his social anxiety kicks in.

Nerdy!Choso who is at the same university as you are as a senior to study business because he has always wanted to open his own business, like a tattoo shop or an art studio. Something artsy.

Nerdy!Choso who works at the campus library and finds comfort among the aroma of books and coffee and blushes whenever an older lady flirts with him.

Nerdy!Choso who barely knows anyone on his college campus except for his freshmen brothers, his coworkers, and you.

Nerdy!Choso who is absolutely OBSESSED with you, his pretty, popular, and wealthy girlfriend whose circles involve other pretty, popular, and wealthy people but nothing about you is snobbish or privileged like the others.

Nerdy!Choso who fell head over heels for you the moment he found out you were in the same statistics class as him and kept staring at the back of your head (and your ass in your mini skirts).

Nerdy!Choso who couldn’t believe his luck when you showed up for your first tutoring appointment with him after booking him when your grade started plummeting. Who blushed mad hard and stuttered at the scent of your perfume. Who nearly passed out when you asked if you could treat him to coffee afterwards.

Nerdy!Choso who felt like a total fool but also a lucky fool when you asked him out that day as you both sat in a booth at the coffee shop, watching the snow fall from the sky on the bitter winter day.

Nerdy!Choso can’t believe that he is dating someone as gorgeous and as amazing as you. Who walks a little more confidentiality on campus now and relishes your smile when you catch each other’s eye in your statistics class.

Nerdy!Choso who was over the moon when you told your rich friends that he is your boyfriend and relishing the looks of astonishment on their faces as they got a look at him standing next to prim and proper you.

Nerdy!Choso who loves it when you fiddle and play with his rings when your brain needs to be occupied by something because it’s bored with studying.

Nerdy!Choso who looks forward to those times in between your classes when you come to visit him at work with coffee and end up heatedly and sloppily making out with him between the empty book aisles, leaving him hard for hours on end.

Nerdy!Choso who can’t stop thinking about your glossy, pink lips, soft varsity sweaters where his hands travel up to squeeze your tits, and expensive perfume that clings to his senses and his clothes.

Nerdy!Choso who has become your personal goon and tutor in statistics and whatever else you have trouble in. “You’re one of the smartest people I know,” you giggled when you proposed the idea to him. “Of course, I want you to be my tutor, babe!”

Nerdy!Choso who didn’t want you to pay him for his services, so you came up with another way to repay him that involved a lot of heavy petting and lewd acts in a very public place.

Nerdy!Choso who could hardly believe his eyes when you snuck under the library table, unzipped his pants, and began stroking his semi-hard cock that quickly throbbed and swelled at your soft touch. “W-Wait, baby,” he whispered, struggling to keep composure. “We could get caught.”

You had looked up at him from between his thighs, his cock inches from your face. “I know,” you whispered, a playful glint in your eye before your lips were wrapping around his length and you were slowly and silently gagging on his cock while he did his best to act as natural as possible.

Nerdy!Choso who busted a fat, creamy load into your mouth minutes later, his toes curling in his boots. “F-Fuck!” he whimpered out, gripping the table so hard that his knuckles turned white. Who stared at you like you were a goddamn goddess when you sat back down next to him, fixing your hair and wiping his nut from your bottom lip.

Nerdy!Choso repaid the favor by showing up to your dorm for private tutoring lessons while your roommate was gone that resulted in him between your thighs, lapping away at your cunt. Who relished the cute noises you made and your fingers in his black locks that he keeps down just for you.

Nerdy!Choso who always twirls his tongue just like that in your hole while his nose bumps against your clit just to hear you moan out, “Yes, Choso, like that! Fuck, you’re so good! You’re gonna make me cum!”

Nerdy!Choso who cums in his pants just from making you cum all over his tongue, your thighs quivering and your hands massaging your tits so obscenely that it makes him fuck his own jeans, rubbing the head against the fabric.

Nerdy!Choso who now “rewards” you for good grades by feeding you his cock any chance he can get: during lunch break, free periods, in your dorms, in the alleyway between your dorm building and another.

Nerdy!Choso who becomes concerned at you kneeling in the cold despite the snow littering the ground as you swallow his cock, your pretty brown eyes locked on him. “You sure you’re okay, baby?” he moans, his hands laced in your braids. “I don’t…oh, fuck me…I don’t want you to…oh….get sick.”

Nerdy!Choso who nearly creams when you pop his veiny cock flushed red out of his mouth and smiles at him in your Burberry coat that had to have costed hundreds. “M’fine, Cho,” you purr, using your nickname on him. “I just wanna show you how much I love you being my tutor.”

Nerdy!Choso who can’t help moaning and whimpering and rutting into your mouth when you uttered the word ‘love’ to him. Who has fallen in love with you, but doesn’t want to say it in fear of it being too quick or too soon.

Nerdy!Choso who lets out a “fuck, m’gonna cum” as he spills his spunk all over your tongue and then quickly kneels in the snow to eat you out against the wall until you cum all over his mouth, your breath coming out in hot pants that cloud in the winter air.

Nerdy!Choso who stares up at you, dazed, pussy drunk, and in love, to see you staring down at him with the same expression. “And I love you being my student,” he jokes, earning a beautiful laugh from you before you get cleaned up and invite him upstairs to your dorm for more “studying” and hot chocolate.

Nerdy!Choso who loves being your nerdy boyfriend.

[booklovingturtle]

THIS!!!!! I absolutely believe this and it’s 10009% canon in my brain

Roy is objectively an academic (ehm….NERD) so I fully believe that he was so focused on alchemy as a study that he never cared to pursue any relationships before going to Berthold. He might not have even had many friends as a kid either bc of his dedication to the science. I also wouldn’t be suprised if his aunt’s profession left him a bit of an outcast bc kids can be mean and society hates sex workers.

I also believe the age gap made it so he never considered Riza that way. Then he left for the academy and if he ever lost his virginity, it would have been there. However, even at the academy his goals were probably still the only thing he really cared about.

I definitely don’t believe he dated after the war for like a bijilion reasons, including the ones you mentioned.

When his relationship with Riza changed and he was left feeling SUPER confused internally. So if he did lose her virginity to her after they started working together, there would have been a LOT of mental barriers for him to work through to get to that point.

-

Now when it comes to Riza I’m a little bit more unsure. I do think that it’s entirely plausible for her to have made it out of the academy a virgin and basically go through the same trauma/arc as Roy. But I also think, like Roy, her best shot at having sex would have been during the academy.

Unlike Roy, though, I think her childhood trauma (neglect, abuse, abandonment, etc) may have pushed her to seek comfort and human connection in whatever way she could get it. ( @lantur explored this idea super well in her Delicate btw) I can see a world in which Riza’s desire for love and affection pushed her to explore her sexuality. After Ishval, though, I doubt she continued any sexual activity.

Once she started to have feelings for Roy (or once her childhood crush came back) there was no one she wanted to have sex with more. For her, finally sleeping with him would have been way easier then I think it was for him.

-

And in case anyone is wondering why bother to question the sexual history of blorbos…

I do think it’s worth pointing out that while FMA isn’t sexual in any way, it doesn’t shy away from discussing sexuality as an important part of humanity (ie Lust and Greed).

Plus Roy’s who shtick is being a lazy, himbo, womanizer and it’s canonically proven that 2/3 of that persona is false. I think it’s fair to question if that final third is completely false or just exaggerated. And also the whole part where he grew up around escorts.

Like FMAB doesn’t shy away from opening up a discussion about sexuality as a part of human experience so I think it’s fair to question how the characters in the universe express their sexuality.

Ok hear me out but I can totally see Roy Mustang being a 30 year old virgin

Like we know that he spent at least some of his adolescence in the Hawkeye’s home learning alchemy and I doubt Berthold gave him much free time to cultivate any sort of relationships, except maybe with Riza, but even then she’s four years younger than him so I think their friendship would be limited back then.

Then he goes straight to the military academy where it’s mostly men (I don’t believe we saw any women in the OVA episode and if there were any we can assume there are seperate barracks. We’re also assuming he’s not attracted to men even though I also love and accept bisexual Roy headcanon) and frat laws are enforced so not many options there.

Then it’s straight to Ishval where he gets unbelievably traumatised and comes out so self loathing I doubt he ever even considers the possibility of dating.

Now I hear you say “but he grew up in a brothel!” to which I say EXACTLY! He saw how his aunt and sisters used men’s sexuality as a weakness to exploit and blackmail them, so Roy is very conscious NOT to do that, instead twisting it to make it seem like he’s one of those men when in actuality he’s working with the girls.

Idk how much I actually believe this theory, but it’s definitely plausible. There are also moments where he 10000% had the opportunity to lose his v card (preferably with Riza Hawkeye, who I can very easily make the same argument about) and maybe he took that opportunity, who knows.

He’s also such a nerd I doubt he cared much about dating before the war.

Anyway, regardless I fully believe he’ll never confirm or deny anything, simply to keep the mystery alive.

[yardsards]

also another reason i'm wary of discussions of "female socialization" is that too many of them act like it's a universal experience rather than something that varies widely based on your individual sociocultural background. like, what a girl is supposed to be varies WIDELY by culture or even by family.

like as someone who grew up in rural appalachia, what was expected of me as a girl was a good bit different from girls (even of the same race and similar income level) that i've talked to who grew up in town just an hour away. a woman who could effortlessly lob a hay bale half her body weight was considered a *good* thing here. but at the same time, we were told things about submitting to our husbands that could possibly be described as "some handmaids tale type shit".

(the ideal of a good redneck woman shares a lot of traits with a "pickme girl" actually, though it's not quite identical, and is also wrapped in a layer of *regional* pride/exceptionalism rather than *personal* exceptionalism.) (sidenote i've kinda grown to detest the term "pickme girl" cuz half of the people who say it aren't referring to women that push other women down and degrade femininity. they're just referring to like. a masculine woman minding her own business and maybe personally kinda disliking the colour pink cuz it got forced on her too hard as a kid.)

ANYWAY. this is only part sociological analysis and is mostly a leadup to an anecdote i remembered:

in high school i had this girl i was friends with. classic queer teenage friendship. unhealthy, codependent, being some form of in love with each other, ultimately culminating in an explosive friend breakup. you know the deal.

and at the time (peak of friendship, pre-breakup) my friend had this shit-ass boyfriend. like i probably would have disliked him on principle cuz i was a jealous baby queer but he more than earned my vitriol for reasons i'm not going to go into here cuz most of em aren't funny they're just legit upsetting.

and we were talking and i think my friend mentioned something about liking a big strong man who could carry her, cuz next thing i know i'm smugly looking the fuck ass boyfriend in the eyes lifting my friend up with my wobbly little nerd arms. real urgent "mother lifting a car off her baby" type strength or something must have kicked in cuz i've always been shaped somewhere on the spectrum of "twink" and "malnourished victorian orphan"

and i put her down and the fuckass boyfriend comes up to me and pats me on the back and says "wow, you're a real country gal!"

i wasn't trying to affirm my heritage, dalton. i was trying to steal your girl. (and possibly affirm my burgeoning transmasculinity? but mostly steal your girl tbh.)

[rypnami]

Durmstrang Gang

i made these OCs about a year and a half ago for a discord server roleplay group, but i kinda abandonded them as i moved on to other projects. i want to use them again, so have some basic facts! if you remember them you are entitled to a Char Besties Club Ticket!

Cassian Peverell

Half brother of my oc Jack. Same dad (horrible man iykyk), different mum. He was the favoured son because he sort of embodied all the pureblood sterotypes that the Peverell family value, whilst Jack is the opposite in every way.

After it was discovered he is a bastard he was sent to Durmstrang to preserve his father's image and keep him out of the picture. He deeply resents his father and is now a recovering pureblood supremacist. He is in Atticus house, although once transferring to Hogwarts he is a Slytherin with his brother. His patronus is an adder.

General appearance- black curls, ice blue eyes, snake bites, lots of piercings, snake tattoo on his neck, sleeve of tattoos on left arm, tall. wears lots of rings and necklaces.

get in line ladies and gents, he's single and ready to mingle

Elias Ahlberg

Elias is a Swede, and comes from one of the oldest pureblood families in all of Sweden. Yes, I made up an entire Swedish pureblood society for ONE random character for RP purposes. I'm fine.

He's a sweetie and loves art. His partner is @mamalunawolf 's Cirilla, and they met when he and Ziven came to Hogwarts over Christmas to surprise Cass. One of the more open-minded of the boys, as in Sweden there is not so much emphasis on who has what blood, unlike in the UK where it's sooo important if you're pure, half, muggleborn etc.

He is in Terpsichora house, but if he attended Hogwarts he would have been a Hufflepuff. Patronus - golden retriever

General appearance- long, strawberry blonde/light ginger hair, brown eyes, slightly tannish skin, moles, tall, gangly

Ziven Karkaroff

JOCK JOCK JOCK. Buff man. Dumb as rocks. Still adorable. If Quidditch was allowed at Durmstrang, he'd be a Beater, and a damn good one. He's got an extra-thick skull that's good for taking bludgers probably.

He was raised in a similar way to Cassian, in the sense that he should know that he's better than everyone for being a pureblood and that he's superior in every way. Luckily for us, he has, as I said, a thick skull, and those ideals didn't really sink in. He genuinely just... doesn't understand WHY one's blood status should mean anything. Good for him! Ziv is a nice guy if you can get through that very, very, VERY thick exterior. A bit stoic and on the surface DOES look like one of those people that would bully you from your lunch money and drinks the blood of non-Slavics for fun. He would never, though.

He is in Concinne house, would be a Gryffindor if he was at Hogwarts. Patronus - Saint Bernard

General appearance- black hair, cropped close, hazel eyes, BUFF AS HELLLLL, very tall, tattoo of hippogriff on his chest (iykyk), wears a karakroff crest signet ring

he's with one of @girl-named-matty 's ocs (but idk if you still use her waaahh)

Nikolai Krum

The nerd of the group. He is fascinated with the mysteries of the universe and in an au that takes place in a different time period HE would have been the first man in space or died trying. probably died. he's got claustrophobia as well, so you can see why his ambition to travel through space would be conflicting with that...

GAYYY, likes to write and map the stars. Plot twist: despite the fact that Durmstrang ONLY accepts purebloods, Nik is, DUN DUN DUNNNN a halfblood. His parents lied about his blood status so he could attend, and it's only by technicality anyway (his mother comes from a long line of purebloods, but because one time like 2 generations ago one of them married a muggle, for some reason that's not good enough??).

He is in Terpsichora with Elias, but if at Hogwarts he would have definitely been a Ravenclaw. Patronus - Blackbirdl

General appearance - Black hair, green eyes, freckles, short, wide shoulders but slut waist, always painting his nails either black or dark purple. earrings

He's single too, gentlemen hehe.

None of them have in-game models, as none of the presets actually fit how i imagine them. one day, though, i shall draw them

[hxlxnaaa]

𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐬

★ synopsis: unrequited love manifests itself as a beautiful disease

★ character: zayne

★ cw: first-person pov, university au, hanahaki disease, ANGST

★ word count: 2k

★ a/n: zayne my angsty king. who needs happy endings am i right??? (i'm so sorry)

Google Search: Why am I throwing up flowers??????

Hanahaki Disease (花吐き病 (Japanese); 하나하키병 (Korean); 花吐病 (Chinese)) is a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings, or when the victim dies. The flowers can now be surgically removed, but all feelings towards the beloved will dissipate.

I already knew what it was. Everyone does. From the first tulip petal I coughed out while working on my essay, to the bouquet that came up from my lungs, covered in blood, just days later.

It was progressing rapidly as the days went on, and everytime I took a breath my lungs would constrict; the vines curling around them, crushing my breathing ability, and my heart.

At first, I tried to ignore it. I’d go out with friends and attempt to go to class, but I felt embarrassed. Ashamed, even. I could feel their eyes on me, watching as I tried to smother my chokes in the middle of a lecture, only to have to dismiss myself to throw up a rose in the hallway.

It’s not like I could go through campus and see him, the one who gave me this. I ignored his calls, ignored his texts. Not that they came often anyways.

‘Are you okay?’

No, Zayne, do I look like I’m okay? I’m sitting in a pile of flower petals and my own blood on my bathroom floor.

Zayne. He was my childhood best friend, and growing up it always felt like I had to fight for an ounce of his attention. He was top of the class in highschool, popular with all the girls for being smart, stoic, and undeniably sexy. Not once did he entertain any of them, and it made them want him so much more. I was excited for college, thinking I could finally have him to myself, without feeling like I was sharing him with the whole school and his extra curriculars. I knew realistically he’d still lack the time for me, studying biology to go to med school, become a doctor, follow his dreams; and I would never be one to step in the way of that. I knew my place. I was just his best friend. I was aware there were boundaries I shouldn’t cross.

At least, until now.

I remember the moment it hit me.

After days, weeks of begging him, I had finally convinced the introverted, brooding nerd to go to a stupid frat party. For the laughs, I had said, follow the college stereotypes. ‘You only live once, Zayne!’ He humored me, I’ll be grateful for that. Giving it barely an hour (and a few free drinks), he quickly got sick of everything, inviting me outside. We sat outside on the driveway, the cool air a breath of freshness compared to the stuffy, sweat smell from inside.

A dumb rap song played inside, and Zayne looked over to me.

“Slow dance with me.”

I smiled and rolled my eyes, knowing it was the alcohol talking and not him. He’d regret this in the morning, and I’d get a stern talking to.

He stood, reaching his hand out, narrowing his eyes. I took his hand, figuring the least I could do was indulge in this moment. For once, his attention was fully on me.

I laughed as we swayed together, a muffled remix of a shitty rap song as our only background music. Looking up at him, I questioned when he had grown up so much. His once round, soft face with chubby baby cheeks had matured into a sharp jawline and high cheekbones I thought about grazing my hand over. Behind his eyes wasn’t a childish glint anymore, and I wondered how long ago that disappeared.

Pressing my face into his chest, I only felt us. One of his arms around my waist, the other holding my hand that was pressed against his shoulder. My free hand clutched his black jacket, like he would disappear into thin air, and my grasp was the only thing keeping him here.

To a passerby, it would’ve looked like a movie; two college kids dancing together outside of a frat party, holding onto each other like it’s the end of a world. In the movie, the two best friends would confess to each other the next day. The boy would rush to the girl's door, with a bouquet of flowers, gasping for air, saying “I love you, I love you, I love you, I never realized that I did.”

But only I realized. Only I realized I loved him.

Zayne never showed up on my doorstep the day after he walked me home that night. The only flowers I got were the ones that filled my lungs.

I refused to speak to him. I wasn’t mad at him, why would I be? It was my fault for forgetting my boundaries. For forgetting the rules. For thinking I had a chance since all the little highschool girls no longer followed him around like lost dogs. For once thinking that I was no longer his side character, for thinking maybe I could be his love interest in his story.

What would I say to him if we did speak? I couldn’t hide what was growing inside my chest. I couldn't hide my split lips from the thorns, or my scratchy voice. The dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, too busy catching up on work from missed classes and not getting a break from coughing or vomiting. Tell him I was sick? He’d scold me for not taking care of myself, that I need to rest and eat properly. I didn’t want to hear it, scolding me for something he caused. His concern would only grow when I would accidentally cough up a flower in front of him.

Would he ask who I loved? Or would he just look right through me and tell me I needed to get the surgery to fix all of this. ‘Nobody is worth that kind of illness’ He’d say bluntly.

I knew I couldn’t face him. Not knowing if he even cares, yet knowing that the way I look at his face is different from the way he looks at mine. How he sees his future with someone who isn’t me.

“What are you going to do?” I was hanging out with a friend from one of my classes, Tara. She was the only person I felt like I could confide in about all of this.

We were hanging out at one of the campus coffee shops when I told her. It was a good day for my lungs, after almost overdosing on decongestants and ibuprofen.

“I’m not sure.” Twirling my spoon in my cup, I avoided her eyes. “It’s not like I can get the surgery. I can’t afford it.”

She looked me up and down, and I felt as if she could see into my soul. She did, Tara was like that.

“Can your pockets not afford it, or can you not afford it?”

Tara was right. I could afford the surgery, my university healthcare covered the surgery since students caught the disease so often;

But my heart couldn’t afford it.

It had gotten so used to loving Zayne, it would feel empty without the compassion for him. I feared I may act differently, lacking all love for him. Would he even notice?

I quickly made up my mind, looking out the window - seeing the person I dreaded the most.

Zayne sat outside in a car on the other side of the street, and I could only tell it was him if I stared hard enough. He was holding the hands of a girl I had seen around campus. Zayne had briefly mentioned her a few times, talking about the assignments they’d work on together, and I never thought too much of it.

He brought their hands up to his mouth, kissing the back of her hand, and each of her knuckles. His face was gentle, a look I had never seen on him before. She giggled, and I wondered what it would be like to be her. To have him stare at me with all the love in the world, to be able to feel his soft pink lips I had stared at so many times, wishing to just touch, to just feel. To be on the receiving side of his care, his compassion, no more blunt harsh responses and stern looks.

“Hey-”

I turned back to Tara, and coughed up a flower on the table, and I choked back a sob. Tears threatened to poor, but I couldn’t embarrass myself more than I had with the bloody peony in front of me. She came around the table and hugged me, and I mumbled through quivering lips, “Can you take me home please?”

That night the girl had made it official that she and Zayne were dating. All the pictures on social media, the hearts that their friends commented on each other's posts. A disgruntled feeling made my chest spasm, any time I’d post a picture of Zayne he’d make me take it down immediately.

The morning of my surgery, I got up and put on my favorite sweater Zayne had gotten me for my sixteenth birthday.

“I got it for you last month when you stared at it in the shop’s window.” He smiled when he saw my excitement, one of the rare moments I could see his lips turn upward.

On my walk to the bus stop, I saw him sitting there. Once he looked up and saw me, he stood.

“Where have you been?” Zayne looked at me and frowned. I suppressed the immediate urge to roll my eyes.

“I never see you around campus. You’re never in your usual spots, and I texted you. I was supposed to help you study. Are you still attending your classes?” Even after not seeing each other for weeks, he still found a way to shame me. His eyes hard, lips pressed together into a tight line, I wasn’t even sure he was happy to see me.

The bus pulled up.

“Are you going to take the bus?” I asked him, avoiding his gaze.

He shook his head, “No, I’m waiting for-”

“Yeah, okay. I have to go.”

“Wait,” I turned around to him. It had begun to snow, so the small flakes sparkled on his head in the early morning light like glitter. He always loved winter, the snow.

He stared at me for a few seconds before shaking his head, changing his mind.

I nodded. “I’ll see you, Zayne.” Saying his name felt like acid on my tongue.

Turning around without taking another look at him, I boarded the bus.

Two days later, when I finally came home from my surgery, the only difference I could tell at first was that my chest didn’t hurt anymore. I could finally breathe again without feeling like I was choking on air. The doctors gave me a bag of all the flowers that they collected out of me, and at first I refused to look at them.

Yet as soon as I got home, I felt compelled to sit on my floor and sort through them.

I made piles of each flower, twirling them in my fingers before placing them in their designated places. Some had long vines that I used to tie them together into a crown.

After I finished, I spotted a jacket under my bed. I pulled it out to see it was the black jacket he wore the night we danced together outside that stupid party.

I took a deep breath of it, wishing I would feel the same way I did that night;

But I felt nothing.

It was now just a jacket. He was now just Zayne.

I put it on, wrapping it tightly around my body. I nestled the flowers along my head like a crown of thorns.

Looking at the girl in the mirror, staring at her with her blood stained flower crown, I broke down.

(divider by cafekitsune)

[rogueartistjyn]

My thoughts on the Superman trailer:

The first shot establishes that he isn't this over-powered god-like figure. He does have vunerablities. He can bleed. Like you & me. We also meet his eyeline, on the ground. We are connecting with him. Eye to eye. We want to know how this happened. How did he get hurt?

His pet shows up. He has a dog. A furbaby. Again, relatable. Very human. And ADORABLE!

We see him masking as Clark Kent. Can't get through a crowd, struggles, sticks out, but as a clusmy weirdo nerd, not an alien. Neurodivergent, possibly Autistic-like person. Relatable to a huge number of us. The typicals would see him as such.

We see him on the Kent farm. A more relatable, somewhat affordable modern farm house. His father is probably struggling to keep his head above water. We see his worry. We see his concern & we see his love & deep connection for the man who raised him. This shows us that culturally, ethically, traditionally he is human despite where he came from. He is a typical low middle class farm kid from Kansas.

The scene of him saving the little kid shows us we all matter to him. He's protective of innocence.

The shot of the guy throwing a can at his head & him hiding inside from an angry mob shows us his frustration, patience, & restraint. He isn't universally loved or wanted despite his good deeds. There are always going to be haters.

Even the scenes with Lois hint at things. It appears they are channeling the old Noel Neill Lois Lane. She figured it out. She kept telling Perry & Jimmy. Perry thought she was nuts but Jimmy eventually agreed with her. Clark was Superman. I mean, she a Pulitzer prize winning investigative reporter.

We see that at some point she knows. They fall in love.

And then we see her fear & his knowing decision of sacrifice for us, over everything he holds dear.

We even clearly see Lex's hate.

We were shown everything, rather than told. There was no dialouge other than the whistle & "Take me home". His home. Metropolis? Kansas? Somewhere here, on Earth, not out there. He's one of us.

It was a brilliant trailer.

I am very excited for this film.

James Gunn has already shown me he understands Superman in under 3 minutes.

Oh, and the ROBOT! That's Kelex. His ONLY real "living" adult-like connection to Krypton. The only one that can teach him about where he came from. So his sadness makes sense. He's lost a teacher, a friend & the only real connection to his past. (Until the end credits scene when that other rockets crashes!!!) *just a prediction*

[dipperscavern]

okay so to start, hades being the god of the underworld feels very parallel to cregan being lord of winterfell. i loooove winterfell, but its predominant feature is the snow. snow and winter both have a pretty prevalent media connection with death — which we actually see in asoiaf with how heavily the starks are connected to death (i.e. every stark's storyline being associated with death, either their own or someone elses.) so, if snow/winter mean death then winterfell becomes the underworld! hades governs all aspects of death and afterlife, like cregan 'warden of the north' governs all of the north. hades two symbols are his weapon, the bident, and cerberus; cregan is pretty heavily associated with his weapon, ice, and the symbol of the direwolf for house stark. also, hades is described as being 'not sevil but stern and impartial', which is similar to cregan's description as 'stern and formidable.' (i'm so locked into exams i almost cited my sources for this)

but as far as a hades and persephone thing goes, being cregan's silly little southern wife :3 trying to grow pretty flowers in the desolate frozen courtyard of winterfell. i don't think cregan would abduct his lady, but maybe! maybe he has some weird kind of twisted moral reason! uhh but i just want to be his cutie sunshine wife to contrast his brooding nature. i need to bear his children WHO SAID THAT

also, in my research i came across this picture which is very cregan i fear (but maybe not. maybe its 2010s fairy goth cringe) https://pin.it/2O69SMtru

- chiron anon 🏛️ (i've never watched or read percy jackson, fun fact :3)

you explained everything so well omfg it makes so much sense?!?! ALSO YOU ALMSOT CITING YOUR SOURCES LMAOOO IM GONE U NEED A BREAK

“snow and winter both have a pretty prevalent media connection with death - which we actually see in asoiaf with how heavily the starks are connected to death (i.e. every stark's storyline being associated with death, either their own or someone elses.)”

this is so… oh my god. allow me to nerd out a bit but i can also see the death connection being the others !! the starks have guarded the wall, made of ice (ice & snow go together like mac and cheese), for hundreds of years; have guarded it from death. and, in the asioaf universe, winter a lot of the time is heavily associated with & does mean certain death for those who aren’t prepared for it.

i know we’re talking about hotd rn but on the subject of the starks, their storylines are SO connected to death, ur so right!!! the first scene in the books that we read of the starks is literally them coming across a dead direwolf mother (impaled by. a stag antler) (ok foreshadowing). jon serving in the nights watch and his connection with the others — robb having stories told about him and his killer direwolf, then later dying himself — lady stoneheart — arya calling herself the ghost of harrenhal & her braavos storyline — theon (figuratively) dying and becoming reek, becoming the ghost of winterfell; i could go on but oh god i’ve already said so much forgive me

being cregans silly southern wife :3 you’re maybe even tyrell, coming from highgarden — you love flowers. and uh…. you took my mind to a dark place there with twisted morals cregan. i shan’t. (i also need to give him children) (who said that) (breed me) (WHO IS SPEAKING)

[the-spaced-out-ace]

you should write about lautski going to college together. what would they major in?

This isn't a drabble but I fully have thought about this a lot! Pete majors in chemistry, naturally, Abstinence Camp implies it's his strongest subject and I can see him totally throwing himself into whatever fancy new research is going on at the university level like the nerd (/aff) he is. Steph was undeclared all throughout freshman and sophomore years but in the second semester of her sophomore year she took a screenwriting class on a whim and enjoyed herself enough to take more film courses. I can see her majoring in communication with some kind of film or media adjacent minor, tbh. I mean, with her reliance on her phone and the demo version of The Summoning specfically mentioning how much she values her TikTok account, I find it fair to assume she has a lot to say about a lot of things and is a strong communicator as it is.

With that out of the way, they're in the same dorm building but on different floors and definitely smuggle each other into their own rooms very often. Sometimes for studying dates and sometimes because one of them (mostly Steph) really wants to stay the night.

Also: based on my own college's first day of school tradition, I will admit this, but picture them on the first day of the fall semester waiting in line to get a stuffed animal version of the school's mascot. It's cheesy and it's dorky and it's fun (and lowkey, they both probably think the plush is cute).

[sleepy-crypt1d]

i love the idea that jack is a nerd about space, why? because im a nerd about space and also that man needs hobbies and im saying it's space

[whattraintracks]

I'm thinking about siblings and sons and legacies again. Raph's "ugh, I sound like Leo" and Mikey's "my father taught me better than that" and Splinter's oft-repeated "he who lives without honor, ends without honor." I'm thinking about how Raph sounds like Leo and Donny and Mikey who sound like Master Splinter who sounds like Hamato Yoshi, and this legacy of what it means to have honor/be honorable/act honorably. Not as a teaching of ninjutsu but of the Hamato Clan. I'm thinking about how this family's legacy is one of teaching its sons about honor.

[beartes22]

Season 2 Jayce with season 1 Viktor this, beard Jayce with young Viktor that….fools, all of you. I raise you, season 2 arc 2 Viktor and season 1 Jayce.

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

[backhurtyy]

Miguel is the type of guy to say "You.. you fight good". Peter would ask him if that was a reference (Peter knows because he was looking up role models for his daughter) and Miguel would have zero (0) clue what he was talking about.

miguel not knowing about mulan.... oh i weep but i know it's true (with the caveat that he's from a timeline that's in the future and mulan (or disney in general) lost popularity because there is no way his daughter wouldn't have made him watch it otherwise)

[jichanxo]

bitches will say "pride and prejudice kuwagami" half seriously and then get WAY too into drawing it

[illdragyoudownwithme]

i love listening to the new episodes on Tuesday (early access) and then waiting to see tumblr explode on Thursday about wtv happened