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sunsetsover · 6 years ago

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I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

#ben mitchell #ballum #eastenders #petty as hell but it was really bugging me that this wasnt showing up in tags so i'm posting it again lmao #sorry if u already liked/replied to it :-(#bpd #anon #question

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zuka-themed-username · 6 years ago

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Impressions: Spreading Golden Wings / Music Revolution! (yukigumi 2019 tour)

This has been a long time coming, apologies! As I didn’t write any notes at intermission this will be a shorter, more generalized opinion of the Monday, Oct. 14th performance in Kawasaki. It was two days after the ‘worst storm in Japan in 60 years’ according English news, and ‘violent typhoon no. 19′ in Japanese, which, they weren’t wrong. It was terrifying and exhausting, and I cannot imagine having to put on a brave face and perform like everything is totally fine just a day later. Both sections of Snow Troupe did however, and I will be forever impressed. It does not however, make me inclined to enjoy Spreading Golden Wings any more than I am able to, though this may be the first time I buy a blu-ray for the revue. More thoughts below the cut!

I’ll be popping back into my bullet point format from here.

This is the Revue’s first performance in カルッツかわさき (Culttz Kawasaki, honestly love the name). It’s beautiful, and reminds me of many new performance spaces - bright woods, streamlined design, open lobby and a ton of stairs. The seat I had is still considered S seki, and was pretty nice, though I’m glad I had my opera glasses.

The program is a nice light blue with just Nozomi Fuuto (Daimon) posing in her primary Music Revolution costume (black & silver w/ huge white gems and metal circles). I wish they had a Maaya Kiho (Kiho) variant or a cover with them together, but that’s totally fine.

I did write some notes on the train ride back to Tokyo, so I’ll be using those as a jumping off point. Note that the day before I had seen Star Troupe’s GOD OF STARS, so many of the notes are phrased comparatively. Spoiler-free until the [s]

Spreading Golden Wings

‘limited set’

It’s a touring show, and frankly I’m glad they don’t have to take a lot with them, as they may run into damaged roads on their tour south, but I was still surprised at the sparseness. It didn’t help that the aesthetic was medieval European, which made it look a bit like a televised Shakespeare production. However! This allowed you to focus on the scene without worrying about missing something. Unlike Grand Theater / Tokyo runs where people see a show several times, I would hope tours are designed to be seen once. Thus I’m glad I didn’t leave thinking, ‘oh next time I’ll look at opposite side of the stage, I missed xyz’.

‘single scenes, no additional side scenes’

This is something that made GOD OF STARS simultaneously amazing and terrible, as there were always 45 people on stage doing something elaborate. Spreading Golden Wings was the complete opposite. It felt old-school, to be sure, but I cannot recall a single scene where something was happening outside of the range of what my opera glasses could see. People could be spaced out across the stage of course, but they were all participating in the same moment. It really highlighted acting choices, especially considering a surprising lack of underscoring allowing you to hear every footstep and breath. The recording of this will flawlessly capture what yukigumi was aiming to project, which will be great to see again.

‘Daimon cackles into and out of a scene’

I will briefly break down the plot and characters in a bit, but there is an early scene where the villainous Vittorio, played by Daimon, enters the room where he is holding Clarice, played by Kiho, captive, and her laugh as she enters was identical to the laugh she gave as she left two minutes later. I thought it was fantastically over the top and well within the aesthetic of the work.

‘Kiho is ... befuddled / confused / flabbergasted -> meta for her character?’

I had a hard time with Clarice in this show, let’s be real. Kiho used her huge eyes to her advantage, looking woefully overwhelmed for the first 80% of the show, and confidently winging it (and therefore vaguely panicked) the last 20%. I would love to hear Kiho’s thoughts on the character, which may be in a Kageki somewhere if someone has the most recent issue.

‘Asami Jun just obsessed w/ Daimon’

I can’t speak for Asami but her character, Falco, gets one of the few solos to solely sing about how everything he does is for Vittorio. If you want to memorize the ‘ために’ grammar pattern do I have the song for you. It felt very St-Just 2.0 but it was still super engaging and later provided some shock value.

‘few interstitial chorus scenes’

I completely forgot this half of yukigumi had ~40 people in it until they would do a dance to establish the scene. The show starts with quite a long prologue, but I still forgot them completely until they would all pop up again to either establish a new location, tone, or event. It is very reminiscent of hoshigumi’s Elbe from earlier this year. This show does not require more than a dozen people for the plot, so when everyone shows up in roles clearly not meant to directly impact the story it was quite a surprise.

‘purposefully better sword work’

There are a few fight scenes / sword training scenes in the show, and the choreography for them becomes increasingly complicated as the show progresses, which was a nice touch.

[s] Kiho especially makes a dramatic improvement as the show progresses, which makes sense thematically, but by the end she’s legitimately holding her own against otokoyaku who have generally had more fight training (unless she did for Mibugishiden, which I have not seen)

[s] ‘clearly a repro of the 85 show’ / ‘tbh can’t tell what has changed’

Alrighty so it’s time to dive into the core of the interest around this production - the fact that it was originally a taidan / tour back in 1985, and that when this show was announced it was immediately followed up with, ‘we’re rewriting some things to make it fresh for modern audiences’. It was not relabeled in the same way as Elbe was with ‘Once Upon a Time in Takarazuka’, but there was a significant amount of notice paid to the fact that some things would be different. My question though as we went into intermission was, what changed? Reading through the plot on takawiki, the beats are the same. Full disclosure, I am not fluent in Japanese. There is a great chance that it is simply a nuance of language that perhaps makes the motivations behind actions more gray, but it does not change the fact that the scenes still play out with the same result. I believe there is an additional love song at the end between Daimon and Kiho because they sound ~amazing~ and can emote ~so well~ but that was perhaps the only thing that felt fresh to me. Everyone that betrays someone still betrays that person, questionable scenes of consent still look quite questionable, the interesting shift from lady to page boy was still fun to see. But I believe they were the same as before, and I don’t consider acting choices within scenes to allow for ambiguity to be rewrites. That’s just the benefit of restaging a production. Perhaps the chorus scenes were fleshed out, but I was expecting shifts in plot, character arcs, or concrete visual differences in motivation. I would love for a full breakdown of this show once the recording is released at the end of January.

[s] ‘some spicy scenes, audience was caught up’ / ‘whip scene? :o’

Here’s a brief breakdown of the core plot after me talking around it for 10 minutes

Daimon plays Vittorio, the lord of an Italian city state of Lago that is always feuding with the nearby city state of Bolzano. He kills the lord of Bolzano, and takes his daughter, Clarice (played by Kiho) prisoner. She of course is not on board with this. When she meets him, however, she is shaken up by his attractiveness, and he declares that she belongs to him now, no questions please. He attempts to force his point, she clumsily whips out a dagger that she loses immediately (sigh), and he is now charmed and attracted, and decides to teach her the basics of sword-fighting which will definitely not be needed later. Meanwhile Vittorio’s old bff/prime minister/secret admirer Falco (Asami Jun) is Not Having It. After clearly demonstrating to the audience his, honestly no other way to phrase it, love of Vittorio, we see that he will do whatever it takes to ensure Vittorio does not become weak in his love for Clarice.

Various plot things happen that put Clarice in danger and Vittorio saving her / demonstrating his passion for her, and eventually the prime minister of Bolzano (Clarice’s father’s old city state) Guillermo (Kujou Asu), catches on. This results in Vittorio and Clarice being captured, with Vittorio chained, whipped (by Falco!) and leaving without an eye.

Sometime later, Clarice, now dressed in disguise as a page boy and seemingly willingly with Vittorio, delivers a message to Guillermo from Vittorio, challenging him to a duel.

Vittorio (+1 sexy eyepatch) and Gulliermo (-1 for losing his cool and planning to use poison to win) duel. It is sanctioned by the Pope, who should be busy doing holy things but here we are. Several people jump into the fray after the attempted poison, Clarice shows off her sword skills like a boss, the Golden Wings of Vittorio’s city state arrive, and all is well. There’s a brief bit at the end where Vittorio and Clarice declare their love for each other, and curtain.

I definitely left out some side plots and characters because I wanted to get to my thoughts on a few main scenes I saw and wish I saw.

bed scene - early on in the show Vittorio forces himself onto Clarice. Daimon being Daimon leaves a bit of space as she looms over Kiho, but Kiho squeaked, there is no other way to describe it, and I wanted to gasp with surprise. Everyone and their mother had stopped breathing and stared through their opera glasses, collectively releasing it when Kiho went for the knife (after quite a hold - it was clear she had the release point on the scene and leaned into it)

whip scene - I was like, ‘oh this is scandy what’s going to happen’. It’s not as dramatic/musicalized as 1789, but I was still surprised. The only thing that pulled me out of it was the lack of cuffs on the wall XD. Daimon just held her arms up, shout out to that arm strength. Anytime someone gets whipped it’s pretty intense, and Daimon is great at pulling out strong emotions from pain. The yells, ooooof.

the scenes between the escape and the duel challenge - I really want to chalk this up to my lack of language, but I wanted more scenes between Vittorio and Clarice after their escape and before the duel, as it’s quite clear Clarice isn’t going anywhere. (Even back to her own home city state that she must not be welcome in anymore) I think that would have been a great place to add some softer moments, not just grand displays of affection due to a traumatic circumstance or misdirected force. Doesn’t have to be a coffee shop scene or even a wound-tending scene, but perhaps Clarice working with Vitorrio to account for his new lack of depth perception? Or another sword-fight training scene? I just wanted more Daimon and Kiho but not at the dramatic extremes of this Shakespearean-esque drama.

All in all, looking back on Spreading Golden Wings I had a better time than I originally thought. I never doubted for a second that yukigumi: top star edition wouldn’t put it’s all into this smaller scale production. Every scene oozed with intention, strong acting choices, and when it allowed for it, beautiful songs and choreography. I only wish the source material was a bit more... nuanced? Though there is charm in it’s clear presentation and design. As I type I waffle back and forth, so I will simply move on to Music Revolution. Once the recording comes out however, I’d love to hear other folk’s thoughts.

Music Revolution

I f*king loved this revue, and I did not see it coming. I had assumed a scaled down GT/TT revue would feel sparse but I was shut right the hell up immediately. First things first my journal’s incredibly vague bullet points.

‘got more and more fun’

This is so basic yet so true. Usually there’s a slump in a revue for me somewhere, a slower ballad or dance section, but I only got more hype as the revue went on. Spreading Golden Wings felt short due to the generally straightforward plot, but if you told me Music Revolution was 2 hours I would say sure, and I loved every minute.

‘’Music is My Life’ is so damn fun’

Thanks for the detail, past me. But truly, hearing crisp English, incredibly strong and beautiful yukigumi voices, sharp choreography... it was a dream. I was charmed to no end by how clearly Daimon loved that song. This feels like it could be a main theme for her moving forward, or one that comes back quite a bit for yukigumi or zuka as a whole. One of my favorite moments.

‘Lots of dancing, Daimon’s voice almost too strong?!’

This no doubt was bolstered by seeing hoshigumi right before (sorry not sorry) but it felt like yukigumi was dancing so hard all the time. Clearly the folks not in Spreading Golden Wings just went twice as hard for the revue as a result. And Daimon was in the thick of it, matching beat for beat to only then belt some amazing notes. After spending the previous week in hoshi taidan sadness / cheer it was so refreshingly perfect. Her couple of solo moments were mesmerizing, and I’m so glad I can sink back into my yuki love while waiting for hoshi to ramp back up.

‘amazing music, classical remixes so fun, trumpet and sax go home’

does the orchestra travel with them?? because if so, the f*king brass section went berserk during the jazz dance section and I nearly had a heart attack. It was so off the walls that they have to had recorded it in advance - it was way too hardcore to repeat every show. I wanted to applaud for the solo like you would in a standard jazz concert but alas.

similarly, this revue has the highest proportion of my favorite thing in revues - classical music remixes. Idk if they are popular but I love hearing the orchestration choices and genres they throw at classical melodies, and what bonkers choreo they toss in there as well.

‘adlib sections were stronger, lots of space’

While there were not extended sections to adlib an entire scene, there were some spots where the troupe or Daimon run into the audience. As it’s a tour, there is a bit of space in the song for the folks to navigate different sized halls. For this performance, Kiho was singing for Daimon as she jogged through the first floor, and as she made it back up to the stage she went to regard the folks in the first row before realizing she didn’t have time. ‘Ah shoot I have to be back up there the song’s almost done’ she remarked with a laugh as she hopped back on stage to regard a smirking Kiho. It was pretty fun, and it was nice to see her not panicked about it. Kiho had the song covered, there was still underscoring for her to make it back, and she had a charming way of commenting on it. Yay adlib improvement! There are some other places during full troupe dances where they can shout out the city / prefecture they are in, which Daimon and co. were quite inclined to do as she is from Yokohama, the capital of the Kanagawa prefecture where the show was happening.

I wish I had more concrete notes for this, like I do GOD OF STARS, but I hope this provides a bit of context when you get a chance to see it for youself. It’s not my favorite yuki show by any stretch, it’s honestly probably near the bottom, but it’s not from lack of effort or enthusiasm. It serves a unique role and no doubt checks off some square on Daimon’s ‘how to conquer Takarazuka’ bingo card so for that I’m glad. The revue on the other hand, is one of my favorites. I’ve never had such a stark contrast in my opinion on two ‘acts’ before, which in and of itself is fun to reflect on. I really like where yuki is at right now, and cannot wait to see Once Upon a Time in America.

Stay tuned for the most overlong and overdue look at GOD OF STARS this side of the Pacific.

#snow troupe #spreading golden wings #yukigumi #Habatake Ougon no Tsubasa yo #Music Revolution!#tour 2019 #Nozomi Fuuto #Daimon #Maaya Kiho #Kiho #Asami Jun

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bnha-imagines-hcs · 7 years ago

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A c and e for dabi and twice? (I’m such a slut for the villains oops

( i’ll assume SFW, since that’s the last one i posted and you didn’t specify. | idk if any of this makes sense bc my head is weird atm but i wannit to write!!! i’ve been spooking myself with conspiracy theories... )

| dabi; headcanons.

AFFECTION yes. now? always.

why else would he bother with a relationship? no trouble getting laid and able to snatch intelligent convos in a bar or park here and there, dabi’s no need to go out of his way for either.but proper, fulfilling affection comes with someone you trust - to an extent.

so. yeah.

dabi’s always wanted a partner he could truly stand with. side by side, neither lesser or more than the other; whether this would be a romantic partner or not never mattered. a strong, reliable bond that doesn’t hinge on emotional constipation like so many of his working relations.

a, uh. soul mate. if you will. shhh.

he’s entirely honest with himself about this wish, too - which means he’s not shy about acting on it. unless he has his game face on or you’re around people who shouldn’t know you care about each other, dabi’s open to physical and not so physical affection.around here we’re not too macho for staring deep~~ into each other’s~~ eyes~~ (esp since his are so pretty that it’s hard not to ever get caught staring so yah). he prefers to have at least one hand at you at all times, soaking up your warmth and returning it. idle kisses during conversation, words clear against your cheek, the corner of your mouth. it’s in private that he lets his fingers trace the thin vulnerable skin of your eyelids or the exact shape of your cheeks.

ppl can complain or gag all they want, dabi is and will always be demonstratively loving. (or just. out of fucks to give, but w/e.)

CUDDLING linked into the affection - dabi is highkey about simple, physical contact. arms around you at all times and usually while he’s behind you (better view on anything that might need to be u know dodged. he protective rawr); resting on your shoulders, round your waist, fingers hooked into the belt loops and fingers tracing the shape of your crotch if you don’t stop him, fingers hooked into the beltloops at your hips, hands at your hips, one arm round your neck w/ a hand on ur shoulder, hand on ur throat, hand resting lightly on ur crown, hands…… on ur ass. yeah.

will shamelessly insert himself into any conversation just by silently curling around you, and staring down ur convo partner like they’re the wall or smth ‘bout to get curbstomped; either, or.other times he lets u be… but still touches u somehow. turned farther away but with a hand on u to know where u at—

—dabi knows damn well how dangerous he is. he’s got to - it’s how he got where he is now, measuring his skill against what he’s got left to learn, against the competition that’ll come for ‘im as he makes a name for himself. consciously & unconsciously, that leads to him placing himself in a position where he can directly oppose whatever might try to fuck up this thing he’s got here, with u.he’s good w/ direct shit. also p good with sneaky shit. if ur a soft lil civilian or otherwise of lesser skill (or equal. or more, really - he’ll lay off some then, but still)- then he’ll want to know where ur at so he can bear in mind the angles if a threat pops up. so. a hand on ur ass. hey- we can mix business w/ pleasure a lil.

shhh. it’s totes just cuz he’s an ass man, tho.

straight up cuddling in bed, lazily soothed… all day every day pls and thnx. just hazy dozing, a dream-like quality to simple vulnerability shred. that’s not workable at present, but a worthy goal to set, no..? mmm.

EFFORT flings, as stated, are for fun. he puts in the effort to be there bc he wants the good times, but it doesn’t go further than skindeep.

a real relationship - to dabi - is committed, and not something he’ll easily accept into his life. the point of one is effort; not in the least bc he knows it takes a fuckton of that for trust to really build. being who he is the way he is means it’s going to take effort. mostly on his part, he thinks. buuuuut also on the other part, if you’re not the patient or emotionally intelligent sort (which is fair honestly).

dabi does not expect any true partner to do all the work. when it comes to effort in bonds, dabi goes … almost for broke, really. he’s neither antisocial nor aromantic, knows he craves emotional connection on several levels, and is therefore invested. so, although he can be closed off (you may still not hear about w/e got him in this life etc), you can def just go up to him and go ‘okay i have xyz problem with us as we are, i need abc from you / do you need abc from me’. he’ll listen. he’ll try to see it your way too. this boy understands better than most what it really takes to make shit work with smn.

the most effort is trying to get him to a point where he wants to keep someone around, though. his agenda is his priority as is; romance just... well shit, you know this ain’t the time for that.

| twice; headcanons.

AFFECTION at once highkey and lowkey. his anxiety nullifies any impulse to be all lovey dovey bc yeah. actually. that can get you killed. and losing you is high on his list of shit to avoid. so it’s all behind closed doors and there it’s desperate as you know he can be, all over each other, physical reassurance of both your connection and the fact your heart still beats.

starved of it, jin is always up for affection – yet can have too full a head to be able to deal with the extra impulses; physical touch, the emotion it evokes, what it does to his mind.

generally tight hugs, touchy-feely, wants to have his eyes on ur face to read u and check u over. prefers to have some kinda physical contact w/ u when ur together but his attention is away from you; the sensation of good things slipping through his fingers gets intense.

CUDDLING yes please. jin can actually sleep in the same bed as someone else with little to no problem; at worst he’ll jerk violently in his sleep/during a dream/if his body registers your touch as foreign, but it’s not a punch or shit just an involuntary jolt.

embraces are his fave. full on arms around each other and pressed together. long, feelsy hugs that are all about just. well. affection. feeling each other. finding some peace in the hug and letting it last.

jin is susceptible to ridicule (from stupid macho morons) but resolved about dem long hugs and sweet, tender love that isn’t afraid to be vulnerable. that’s what his cuddling feels like, always intimate. it can get a bit much to be constantly intimate to that extent, but then he rarely slips up about showing just how much he cares about you in public - so that’s a break from that lmao.

EFFORT a lot. lots of internal shit, working on new anxieties. trying to ween himself off needing to feel you, to tone down the cling. it takes a few months for him to fully be ready to take this new flaring anxiety in his hands and deal with it like the (at least partially) solvable problem it is, and that’s when he starts toning it down, reassuring himself about the lack of touch, etc. he’s an anxiety veteran. new causes can be so overwhelming that he doesn’t remember for a while that it’s his brain funking around.

he cares about you / what you’re feeling / needs & wants. might not be able to help, but will fucking care. if there’s one thing you won’t feel, it’s unappreciated.

twice is a lil more aware of healthy functioning relationship dynamics than some of the other league members, and unlike say dabi he’s really intent on keeping you around. if he’s got something good he’s going to do what he can to keep it.

#fluff #dabi #twice #jin bubaigawara #bnha dabi #league of villains #the league of villains #dabi bnha #twice bnha #bnha twice #bnha imagines #mha imagines #bnh imagines #boku no hero #boku no hero academia #boku no hero academy #my hero academia #my hero academy #sfw imagines

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createtorelease-blog · 8 years ago

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Boys. Why are we so obsessed with them?

Ladies. Why is it that every time we begin dating a man he begins consuming our thoughts and day-to-day life? Why is it that every time we begin dating a man we become irrationally obsessed with everything he says and does? And why is it that every time we begin dating a man we drop all of our rules or requirements and focus on analyzing the last thing he said that offended us?

I was at the gym just now, finished with my workout and preparing to leave (after a good shower of course. How do some of you people manage to wait until you get home? ) and the only conversation going on between multiple duos of women was about....yes, you guessed it. Men. The first conversation began with "How are you doing?" "Not so well. Miserable actually." "Oh, I'm sorry. Why is that?" "My boyfriend still has my charger."

Wait, what?

She continued with "Yeah I went to get it from him the other night when we were supposed to go on a date and we got into a fight and he wouldn't let me go to his place to get it. I really need to break it off with him." Of course the reason why she wants to break it off with him has nothing to do with the charger, however I did wonder for a moment. She continued with the explanation that he knew she wanted to break up and was therefore delaying the break up by holding onto her charger. I wanted to tell her "Know how to break up with him? Buy a new charger. Problem solved!" Yet, I was frustrated by the fact that this issue with her boyfriend consumed her life so much that the best way to describe her entire day was "miserable". Girl. It was only miserable because you spent all day thinking about breaking up with your boyfriend rather than focusing on work, your goals, literally anything else. I'm not saying that when we're having romantic problems it's easy to move on from but misery is self inflicted. It is not the result of outside influence.

The second conversation I overheard in the restroom. A girl was complaining about the guy she's dating and how he never asks her for more details when something is bothering her. He'll ask if she's feeling better and if the answer is yes he'll say " I'm glad. I don't like when it looks like something is dragging you down." Other than that, not a word and she couldn't understand why. There was of course the possibility that he was afraid to be vulnerable and ask. The thing I wanted to tell her was "because he doesn't truly care about what affects you". A man who cares about what brings you down and wants to make you happy will ask for details and then offer possible solutions. So why was it so hard for her to see the truth? Perhaps because that's what people do. They choose denial over reality because it hurts less. We cannot, as women, do that anymore.

In an age where feminism is spreading like wildfire and women are finding strength they've never had before, men still influence our lives in ways they shouldn't. Now this is not a man-hating post and I'm just as much of a hopeless romantic as the next girl, but at some point we have to realize that our obsession with the opposite sex can get unhealthy and borderline psychotic. Finding your other half is a difficult journey but it doesn't have to be as traumatizing as we make it. It's time women started taking control of their emotions and stopping bad behavior in it's tracks. The next time your boyfriend/bae/ImnotsurewhatthisisbutIwanttogettoknowyou pisses you off, don't allow thoughts of him to consume your day. Remember who you are. You are resilient and worthy and your life does not revolve around one man. Your heart will thank you and you'll be a stronger person for it, able to deal with disappointment or hurt in a way you never thought you could. You also will find that answers to difficult questions will come easier and you'll be able to look at situations more rationally. The last thing you should ever do is make a decision or confront someone in an emotional state. This usually leads to overreacting or regret. And the last thing you want is to think days later "Damnitt, I really wish I had said XYZ" or "Why did I allow him to have such control over my emotions? I didn't even recognize myself".

To get back to my point: Obsession is unhealthy no matter the object. Rather than reacting and obsessing over how someone has made you feel, get in touch with what makes you happy and gives your life meaning. Read, volunteer, take a dance class, paint, go to a museum, hang out with friends who make you laugh. Just do SOMETHING. Anything to remind you of who you are. And if this guy doesn't appreciate you, he's not the right one and the right one will come along and blow all of your exes out of the water. I truly believe this can happen for anyone. Or maybe that's just the hopeless romantic in me. You choose....

#men #women #dating #relarionships #romance

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beowulfs-booty-call · 8 years ago

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Wolf, seven, and tinderbox??

Hey! An anon! I haven’t had these in a while...! Welcome! I’ll get right to your ask, friend!

Wolf: Do you have an inner monster?

Mm... Does this pertain to the Incubi thing I got goin’ on? Eh, no worries, I’m only joshing! But, in all seriousness, I suppose I do, ever since I sorta... Worked with some less than stellar people before. It’s like... Well, anyone else, an inner voice in their head. Whispers that says, “It’s what they deserve.” “No one will ever love you if they understood you. That’s why you’re alone.” There are things like that that feeds it, so to speak metaphorically. But, it’s a restrained concept, I’ve gotten better at realizing the past doesn’t hold anything on me here in the present, just as a memory I can use so to learn for a better future.

In some sense? Most people will say that inner monster is just my inner self esteem, I can’t say they may not be wrong. But, there’s somethings that side of me has said, in comparison to say... The little angel sitting on my shoulder, that isn’t very well nicely said in words. I’ll admit, I’m not proud of the person inside at times who’d rather burn everything and just be alone and never speak at all. But, that’s a part of me I’ve accepted as a piece of me. It doesn’t reflect me, or who I am now, but it’s a part of me I neglected when I really shouldn’t have.

On a separate note, it’s also why I relate to wolves in that context. Not for the monstrous or badass attitude society or media has it on them. But, they’re creatures that understand the inner self, in a sense, as well as connection between themselves and others. A lone wolf has no loyalty, but no trust either. It’s what I looked as my “inner” self as in that sense, as wolves (contrary to the popular idea) are social animals with no “alpha and beta”. I came to really respect that, while it’s not exactly a pleasant persona inside back then, it’s still a beautiful piece of me that I’ve really gotten to know and acknowledge better about myself.

So, yes, I do. But he’s only a scared and sad person who didn’t trust anyone before because he’s been hurt before. The sort of sad that prevents you from doing what you like, because you just feel consumed with stuff going on. We’re on the right track though, he’s much happier now. I am too, once I took the time to really get to know myself better!

Seven - Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, or Pride?

Now this one is a bit... Tough...

I wanna say Pride... But, it doesn’t work like that. I’m extremely modest, even so, you could ask anyone and you wouldn't see me yelling from the tallest skyscraper that “I’m number one” or the coolest.

I’m not at all Wrathful unless someone really gets me on my nerves, which, is very, very rare... I’m just a bit too mellow for that.

I’m not Sloth either because I overwork myself a lot, so much, I actually had to take breaks or, as my friends tell me, “Relax or the stress is gonna kill you before what’s supposed to, won’t get a chance.”

So... The only ones that really “go” my way are likely Lust and Envy (Gluttony and Greed is really far out of my reach, tbh.)

Lust seems too easy, because, Incubi and sex magic is a helluva thing... But I’m still in my morning glory phase; I got someone I’m sorta “saving myself” for, so to speak. Still, I got a lot of people I care for, so, the only lust I got is just my thirst for fictional characters. I don't lust after people since, I just get crushes (And alternatively, crushed, lol) and I daydream often about romantic stuff. I’m really lighthearted on the romance, and, well... That’s really it. I’m waiting for the right person who’ll treat me right, possibly cuddle and be really physically affectionate, and just be able to lie back with and talk about the little things in life.

Then that leaves Envy; which I think is likely my deadly sin. I’m not the green with envy person who goes about asking “Well, xyz has a bf / gf / latest video game / a donut! Why can’t I have one!!!???” (Emphasis on I)

Instead, I look at other artists and compare myself to them. It’s a nasty habit, I’ll have to admit, anon. I think to myself, “Well, obviously, they’re great at this. What about me! I can barely get this right!” And sometimes, it gets the better of me and I lay back for a while and don’t attempt drawing for a while, or writing, or even exercising. But, that’s the sin itself. You’re not picking up your talents because you think there’s someone else who can replace you. While they can do the same things you can do, that’s no reason to give up something you do or enjoy because you have to compare yourself to someone else! I learned I gotta keep faith in myself more, but, the most important thing in envy (In my case), ironically, is looking at yourself more! You can’t look at others and be angry for what they’ve got if they worked for it, or, they earned it. All you have to do, is work for it too, and put in the effort! And then, it’ll be like clockwork and the things you used to want is right in your reach! At least, that’s my understanding of my deadly sin!

Tinderbox - What do you cherish most?

Hm... I really had to think on this one... A lot, actually. But, the answer came ridiculously quickly after I saw my dorm room here. Now, anon, I keep this special keepsake box, a fake book sort of box you’d get at Barnes and Nobles (My aunt got it for me for christmas for like, 10 bucks. Ironically, we don’t talk much, and she imbued me with my love for those storage boxes ever since) that you can put things in.

Well, now, over time, I filled with personal items from my closest friends and family. A keychain my high school teacher got me from his trip to England. He had it where it says, “#1 Son” because he basically adopted me as his kid. It was touching... And I couldn’t bear to part with it. We’ll get back to my Dad in a bit, but I also had movie tickets from the first time I visited an amc theater with my friends in college now (Madia’s halloween movie, I know, she’s great.), letters from my friends and relatives with the stamps still attached (I’m HUGE on writing letters, I have to get back into it though...!) and even more knicknacks (Feathers from my friends the crows, sticky notes from classmates...Etc).

I also cherish my old England tourist scarf, my teacher gave me. I call him dad, because, well, he’s been my dad when I had none. Anon, when I was in high school, I was a polite kid, modest, the real goody two shoes so to speak. I did a lot of stuff I’m not proud of though, and my teacher noticed and intervened. He didn’t ask me about my parents when they never showed up for school events. He didn’t ask or bother phoning them when I showed up to class trips with forged signatures so I could stay away from the home life I had. He smiled this sort of knowing smile, nodded, and claimed I was his son. To the faculty, to the school, to anyone he met. My grandfather did the same thing, truth be told, but at the time and right now, he’s been ailing and could not actively take a part in my life as much as he wished (We weren’t related as well, and therefor, he had other duties to attend to.) It made my heart melt. I never felt so much love for a man before him that was older than me, or as kin. When he gave me that scarf, anon, it was just a cheap old thing. Something you’d find in a gift shop, most people said to me. It didn’t matter to me. I wore that with every bit of pride in my gosh darn heart that I couldn’t ever part with it no matter how many people disliked it.

It was tacky, sure. But that was my dad, in that scarf. That was the person who called me his son when my birth father disowned me and wished I was never born. That was the scarf bought by the man who told the entire faculty who called me an orphan behind my back that I was his son. Along with him was my mom, the school secretary, she was the only person I spoke to as a mom, whenever I needed advice, she was who I went to. When I cried about feelings I never expressed, she consoled me and gave me hope for the future. She bought me a statue too, one that was a wolf that I’m sure she bought from Michaels, but, I’ve never lost that statue. It’s all in my box, every tiny piece of the persons I care about... They’re all with me, the people, the memories, every tear, laugh, and love is in that cheap old false box my aunt bought me; Not knowing just how lovely it would later become for me.

That’s what I cherish, anon, and I hope you cherish the little things in life as well from here on. Sometimes, it’s the littlest things that the world leaves behind for you to cherish and treasure from the people who mean the most in your life.

#Wulf answers #Anon #Anonymous

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the-little-red-noodle · 6 years ago

Text

10/2/19 5:56am

This is the 2nd night in a row i have been keep up all night by thoughts, mostly about this boy.

I met him at larp. He’s a fairly powerful warden and sorcerer, and i met him (in game, in character) in a tavern. People were paying him to draw wards on them (which give you in game advantages). I always notice peoples teeth first, and he has really cute teeth and a really cute smile. He was very attractive. I asked what he was doing and he briefly explained what the wards are and i was like cool, and started to walk away, and then he was like “I’ll give you one for free” and reached out his hand to take mine. He drew an anti perm ward on my left hand and was really sweet about it. I said thanks and proceeded to leave the tavern. I kept thinking about him though.

It became a running joke between my closest friends and i that i was going to wander around and look for the hot mage. I didn’t have any other interactions with him at game, but i saw him around a couple times and would try not to stare too long.

After packing up and heading home, i texted patrick. He is in the same culture as the hot mage and so they interact a lot. I asked what his name was and proceeded to do a *very small* amount of fb digging, just to see if he was single, ya know just in case. I then went on the page where everyone was doing their post game posts so people can find each other and i saw his. I liked it, friended him, and wrote a little comment.

“Thanks for teaching me about warding in the tavern, you seem really cool and i hope we can interact more next game”. He liked it and commented back to talk him up about warding sometime. He friended me back and then liked my profile picture and i was like interesting...

I was planning for the long road. Give it a couple days then dm him about warding, or just conveniently show up at a combat practice where i knew he would be and be casual and flirty then. Or try to flirt with him next game, over a month from now. But then he dmed me.

“Hey i hope the warding stuff worked out alright. Your costume was very cute btw”

I saw this while texting my friends joking about “operation hot mage” and it being my characters one true objective to hook up with him ha ha it’s never gunna happen tho, and then he just slid in my dms and called me cute?? Like who is running this mod, it’s not realistic.

I sweat and overthink for a bit and then finally, with heavy encouragement from my friends, messaged him back.

“I remember you being exceedingly cute as well” and then i inmediately change the subject to talking about warding vs alchemy and i can’t decide HAHAHAHAHA

He replied with an “Awwh thanks ^-^” and then we discussed magic for a bit. Ya know, normal small talk things, apprentice vs journeyman scrolls, mana control, herbalism. Basic stuff.

Then he was like oh we also have a combat practice that meets every weekend, id love to see you there sometime. And i was like yeah sounds awesome, i hope to see you there and he was like “I would very much like that as well 😊”

So of course, based on this, i should overthink right? Because of course we’ll hook up and of course he’ll want to date me because of course I’m irresistible. But like.. none of that could be true. Maybe he was just being friendly, and then i made it weird calling him cute outright because he only said my outfit was cute, so really I’m the one who made it weird, and I’ll be super awkward next time i see him because of course i will because i don’t know how to flirt and of course I’ll say something wrong or I’ll be too enthusiastic or not enthusiastic enough and eveerything will be ruined.

And on top of those anxieties, it’s like, hey, even if all those (unlikely) assumptions are true, like.. am i even looking for a relationship? Like a truly monogamous relationship. Cuz i really like being with my goth couple and hanging out and hooking up with them and i like where the general friendship is going.. and then theres emily and we kinda have a thing right now, and we cuddle and are affectionate but it’s not a relationship and she might be ace so idk... then theres dempsey which is it’s own enormous can of worms that boils down to if we get together again, it’s for the long haul. So yes of course i want that, and i want to be with him again, but at this very moment, i don’t really want to give up my other interactions. Not because i want someone else to be my forever person, but because i want the experiences and i want to be single wnough to be in control of this sort of thing and i am right now, but then enter hot mage and my structure is breaking a little.

No joke this is the 2nd night in a row i have not slept because I’m thinking about him. I keep looking at screenshots of our conversations and this one photo i saved off of his fb because he has such a cute smile..

But I’m overthinking and that’s unhealthy. My therapist said the same thing after i was doing this nonsense when emily and i started hanging out more. I can’t let things sit for a minute. I wanna skip ahead and see how the story ends.

But i can’t really do that here until i see him. Cuz also, I’ve only interacted with Archmaster Kayn, not the real person. And based on his post game post, he is “not his character”. His character was just really suave and a little bit of an asshole but i was like 🤤.. so I’m eager to see what the real guy is like. Also notice i say guy and not his name because *sigh* his name is ryan and i feel like talking about a ryan usually is referring to dempsey so that’s something i gotta get used to.

I like him tho.. he’s so attractive and nerdy and has great hair.. all that’s left is actually talking to him in person out of character and seeing how we mesh then. Maybe he’s not even a little bit interested and i can move on. Or maybe he’s dtf which would be amazing. Or maybe he would want to date and id have to figure out if i want that or not.. or we could just be really good friends.

I’m kinda cool with whatever but i can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t put it out of my mind for long enough to focus on anything else. I can’t focus on school or friendships or any other potential relationship because i keep trying to remember what his voice sounded like, or trying to imagine what his personality is like, or trying think of things to talk to him about when i see him on saturday.. I’m so nervous about all of it.

It’s 6:30 in the morning and i haven’t had a minute of sleep tonight. Is this how it’s going to be until i see him? What if i waste all this sleep and time thinking about him and then i get in person and I’m like, meh. I’m over it. Cuz that’s happened before. I build things up in my head and then I’m disappointed by the outcome. And that wouldn’t even be his fault, cuz like he said, he’s not his character. So maybe i was just fawning over the suave hot mage when in reality he’s nothing like that..

I just can’t let it go. I find him so attractive.. it’s kind of pathetic. Why am i like this. Also, why must i get bored when it’s no longer a hunt?.. that’s probably why I’ve stayed so interested in emily because like nothing is set in stone and so much is up in the air that theres like still some work to do. And my mind likes a challenge. Hence i was gearing up for the long battle of ~make the hot mage fall in love with me over a series of months~ but then he just outright calls me cute and i have no idea what to do.

What if he’s creepy? What if he’s a virgin? What if he has no direction in life? What if he’s 45? What if he actually is an asshole?.. or a fuckboi, cuz christ i do not need another one. That’s why i like the nerdy boys cuz theyre so rarely also undercover assholes. Theyre usually cute and awkward and nervous but the payoff is amazing. Nerds tend to appreciate the hell out of their partners, plus i find them way more attractive usually than the pretty boy/fuckbois of the world.

I just wanna get to know him. I just wanna listen to him talk about magic. I just wanna sit on a park bench with him and talk about magic and maybe touch my knee to his. Really that’s all.

But here i am at almost 7am really just playing out every possible scenario.

What is i invite him over and he thinks my room is childish? Or he notices the rips in my comforter? What is he thinks I’m fat? Or he thinks I’m not as interesting in person and out of character as he thought.. even though my character is basically just me and talks and sounds almost exactly like me.

Still, what if he thinks I’m boring or dumb or since i don’t know game mechanics that I’m not worth talking to. What if xyz?

I really can’t eat or sleep these past two days. I can’t focus. I’m also like really horny cuz i haven’t gotten laid in 3 weeks which is a lot for me, so it’s possible that most of this is projected at poor hot mage because i need to get laid and he called me cute so therefore the hunt is on.

But also maybe i shouldn’t be meddling in peoples lives. When if he turns out to be really sweet and i just stomp in trying to hookup and hurt his feelings. I mean guys do that all the time but it’s different for me. Every guy I’ve hooked up with (except 3 ways with couples) has wanted a relationship with me so i kinda don’t know any better.

I want to sleep. I want to eat something. My stomach is hurting but I’m too tired to get up and feed myself. I just want to talk to him and compliment him and play dumb and pretend like i don’t understand the game mechanics of basic magic so that i can listen to him explain it to me..

What even am i doing

#samiswriting

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