#like haha i understand your intense need to die a great death for someone you love and your preoccupation with the chase but not the result

[light-wrath-paradise]

Me right now: "The Smitten is just like me for real."

Like???? I hope not??????

[jackrrabbit]

it will come back [pt. 1] /// Yandere Shigaraki x f!Reader

Summary: You have a bad habit of picking up strays, and the half-dead villain you find bleeding out in a dumpster is no exception. [Part 2] [Part 3]

A/N: Low budget yandere for my greasy king. This concept has definitely been done before, but I couldn’t resist. This is my first non-smut on this acct and I’ll be so sad if it bombs 😭

Title from the Hozier song: “don’t let it in with no intention to keep it / jesus christ, don’t be kind to it / oh honey don’t feed it / it will come back.”

Tags/warnings: light yandere, minor injury, angst, Shiggy likes you, reader needs a friend and a good night’s sleep. [In later parts but not in this one: violence, sex, more yandere, 18+]

You’ve always had a soft spot for strays. Maybe that’s why you became an ER nurse—from the first abandoned puppy you brought home as a kid to the patients you refuse to give up on even when it looks hopeless, you’ve never been able to turn a blind eye when something needs your help. Sometimes (times like this) you wish you knew better. It’s hard enough to take care of yourself these days.

Today’s shift was…what, 16 hours? 17? The 20-minute walk from the bus stop to your apartment building feels like it takes twice that long in the rain. God, you need a shower. And a decent night’s sleep, preferably for at least 12 hours. Tomorrow’s your day off, and you’re ready to take advantage of it the best way you know how: Netflix, soju, and your favorite vibrator. But tonight? As soon as you’re clean, you’re going to pig out on leftovers and collapse into the bed that’s the only halfway nice piece of furniture in your shithole apartment. You really do deserve a break; you’ve earned it.

Unfortunately, as usual, the universe has other plans.

You hear him before you see him: wheezing, choked breaths, like someone’s trying to breathe with an anvil on their chest. You’re not quite out of nurse mode so your mind starts trying to diagnose the issue before you even register what you’re hearing. Fluid in the lungs, possibly blood. That hacking isn’t good. Broken ribs? Definitely bruised. But probably not a puncture…

The breathing is coming from down an alley next to your building. It’s dark enough that you can’t see from the street what’s making the noise. And you’re not a fool, you know it’s a bad idea to walk down pitch-black alleys late at night, especially in this area—a neighborhood you’re living in by necessity, because it’s the only place cheap enough for you to get by. But the coughing…it just sounds so awful. It sounds like it hurts.

Your phone’s already in your hand with 119 dialed and ready to call (standard practice when you’re walking home by yourself), but you turn the flashlight on and shine it down the alleyway. “Hello? Anyone there?”

Nothing responds, but you can still hear the breathing. You step in a little deeper, swinging your light from side to side and looking over the heaps of trash bags overflowing from the dumpster. The raindrops make clicking sounds as they hit the plastic, and you can hear gurgling from a rain spout down the side of the building, but the wheezing doesn’t stop.

One more step. And then one more. You wish there was something you could do to make the splash of your rain boots in the puddles a little less loud. Something about this situation—the rain, the dark, the flat grey light from your cellphone, and that horrible hacking breath—it makes you feel like you’re walking into a horror movie. But you don’t stop walking.

The hacking is coming from a man propped up on the wall between a few XL bags of trash. The black outfit he’s wearing almost blends into the bags, but a mop of grey-blue hair gives him away. His head is slumped onto his chest, and if he’s conscious he doesn’t show it. “Hello?” you ask again, even less confident that you’re going to get a response.

No answer.

The smell of garbage is…ugh…hard to ignore, but on top of it is an oppressive stench of copper coming from the man passed out in the trash. You kneel down to get a better look and yep, he’s covered in blood. It’s hard to make out in the low light, but there’s a trio of long gashes in the man’s abdomen, cutting apart the skin and flesh so deep you can see traces of a slim layer of yellow fat between all the inky clotted blood. It looks like he was attacked by an animal. Or someone with an animal quirk. There are a lot of villains in this neighborhood.

And the coughing...definitely internal injuries. Whoever this guy is, he needs treatment. You hold up your phone to hit the call button on your pre-dialed 119—

“Don’t.” The voice is a growl, low and surprisingly firm despite the scratchiness. You jerk back and clutch your phone to your chest, caught off guard not just by the interruption but by the intensity of the face glaring up at yours.

His eyes are red. “You need an ambulance,” you tell him in your calmest nurse voice.

“If you try to call the police, I’ll—kill you,” the man says, but the threat is a little less threatening when he has to stop in the middle to retch blood onto his own chin.

You glare back at him but don’t call the emergency number. There are a lot of of reasons why he wouldn’t want to go to the hospital, but the most obvious one is probably true. “You’re a criminal. A villain?”

He doesn’t respond, choosing instead to keep glaring at you like you’ve committed some mortal sin against his ancestors by having the nerve to check on him and try to help him. Somehow it pisses you off. When you were getting your ADN, you once took a temp job doing health screenings at a local middle school and you would always get so annoyed at the kids. Didn’t they see you were just doing your job? Why is it so hard to understand that what you’re doing is for their own good?

Stupid kids. Stupid villain. “You’d rather bleed out and die?”

The man bares his teeth at you, and it’s a pretty disturbing scene considering how they’re covered in scarlet. “You think they’re going to save me? Think I’ll go to the hospital and get all my HP restored?”

He’s mocking you now. You only have a second to move out of the way before he spits off to the side. “I mean…that’s how a hospital works.”

“If you think I would—make it out of that ambulance alive, you’re—dumber than you look.” His voice is interspersed with coughs.

“Well, you’re not going to live if I leave you here.” You hold up your phone, ready to call the ambulance, but in a shocking display of agility the man lunges forward and grabs it out of your hand. “Hey, wait! Give that…back…”

Your voice trails off as your phone crumbles—literally crumbles to dust in the man’s fingers. Once he’s satisfied that there’s no way for you to call the cops, he slumps back onto the trash bags and closes his eyes, apparently exhausted from the effort.

Goddamnit…! For a second, you can only stare blankly at the pile of dust that used to be your $300 smartphone. And then you’re seized by something, maybe not hatred but an annoyance so strong you can feel it in your throat, and you decide right then and there that this villain is not going to die. You’re going to save him. Out of spite.

You’re not sure how you manage to half-carry him from the alley to your apartment, but you do. You’re lucky it’s ass-o-clock at night and no one’s in the lobby or the elevator, or you’d definitely be getting some looks trying to lug a maimed body around. What would you say if someone did call the cops? Don’t worry, don’t worry about it officer, it’s just my friend drank a little too much, oh those wounds? We were at a costume party, haha…

But no one sees you, and no one calls the cops. The man is unconscious the whole time you’re carrying him, and by the time you have him laid out on a shower curtain on your living room floor his breathing is a little bit shallower than it was before. You’ve got your tools—nothing fancy, just some gauze and closures and antiseptic from your personal first aid kit. It’s not much, but it’ll have to be enough.

“Let’s get to work, asshole,” you tell the unconscious body in front of you, and you crack your knuckles.

///

The day after you pick the villain out of the garbage, your body decides that it’s not going to let you sleep in no matter how much you need it. You can tell because the huge windows in your bedroom—the only saving grace of this apartment, honestly—are depositing golden-pink sunrise light over everything you see when you open your eyes, including the villain’s face. Which is about six inches away from yours.

“You smell like death,” you tell him sleepily. He doesn’t move.

He’s…probably in his early twenties, you think, but it’s hard to tell because of all the wrinkles. His hair is on the longer side, and it’s striped with rusty brown smears from his blood. Again, you notice how red his irises are. Have you ever seen someone with eyes that color before? You’re pretty sure you haven’t.

“You slept for a long time,” the villain says, finally moving back so he’s not breathing into your mouth.

“Yeah, I was tired. From saving your life.” You sit up and rub your temples. “I’m thirsty…”

Before you can finish your complaint, the villain is holding a glass of water out to you in an awkward 4-fingered grip.

“Um, thanks, I guess.” You suck down the water and immediately feel better, enough that you realize how wrong it is that he’s up and moving around and probably undoing all your hard work. “You should be lying down.”

“The floor hurt, and I was bored.”

“Lie on the couch then. You can watch TV. But first—“ He’s sitting on the edge of your bed next to you, and you make him lie down flat so you can look at the injuries. They’re not nearly as bad as they looked last night—no walk in the park, but at least you won’t have a corpse in your apartment in a few hours.

When you’re done inspecting him, he sits up and asks you for a shirt. You had to cut his off, not that it was any great loss. The thing was shredded. Him pointing it out is the only thing that makes you really realize he’s shirtless, so you give him an oversized pajama shirt of yours. It has the name and motto of your old high school on it, and the villain reads it out in a half-mocking tone when you hand it to him.

“Beggars shouldn’t be choosers,” you snap. “You should be grateful.”

“I am grateful,” he says, putting the shirt on. “But I don’t understand.”

“I mean, you need a shirt, right? It’s cold—“

“No. Not that.” He’s staring at you again, and you find it difficult to maintain eye contact. “Why you didn’t leave me where you found me last night.”

There’s a lot you could tell him, all of it a little bit true. You were curious. You believed him when he said he wouldn’t make it out of the hospital alive. You couldn’t leave him alone the same way you can’t leave abandoned puppies alone. You wanted to prove to him that you were right, and that being stubborn wouldn’t get him what he wanted. But you don’t say that. “You killed my phone, so you owe me a new one. And I can’t get that back if you bleed out.”

He’s looking at you like he doesn’t believe you, and you fidget under his gaze until he sighs and says, “Whatever.”

You have to let him lean on your shoulder when he walks back to the living room to lie down on your couch. How the hell did he even get to your bedroom by himself? You really didn’t think this through—what are you supposed to do with an infirm possible villain who can barely walk unsupported without opening his injuries back up?

But that’s a problem for tomorrow you to deal with. Today, you’re content to set your laptop up on the coffee table so the two of you can watch TV in…oddly companionable (if you’re not imagining it) silence. It’s almost the lazy day off you were daydreaming about before you got yourself into this mess, and the atmosphere is so relaxed that before you can really decide whether to force the man to go to the hospital or turn him out on the street (or…?) you’re dozing off on your couch like there isn’t a potentially dangerous stranger lying beside you with his head just a few inches from your lap.

When you wake up, your problem is solved for you. He’s gone, and it’s like he was never there—except you’re down a cellphone and a pajama shirt, and your shower curtain is drenched with blood. You wrap it up with the rest of the soiled medical supplies and toss all of it in a dumpster a mile away from your building without knowing exactly why.

///

It’s not the last you see of him, but somehow you had a feeling that was going to be the case.

He scares the shit out of you the first time he visits (over time, that’s how you’ll start to think of his little unannounced drop-ins: visits. Like you’re being visited by a ghost or something). You’re coming back from another grueling shift in the ER, so tired you think you might be sleepwalking, and what do you find when you come in your apartment but a strange white-haired man sitting on your couch eating dry cereal out of the box and flipping through one of your books?

You nearly piss yourself.

He doesn’t seem surprised, which makes sense, considering he’s a villain and he’s probably used to pulling this dramatic entrance thing on people. He certainly doesn’t seem the least bit threatened when you brandish the mini canister of pepper spray on your keychain and demand that he tell you how he got in if he wants to retain the power of eyesight.

“It was unlocked,” he says.

“It was not unlocked,” you reply, rolling your eyes. You may be sleep deprived, but you’re not careless. Never careless.

“Whatever. Calm down. You’re not going to use that on me.”

He’s right, but you don’t want to admit it. If he wanted to do something to hurt you, he could’ve done it that first night. And you’re too tired to really put up a fight, so you just put the cap back on the pepper spray and flop down next to him on the couch. “What the hell are you doing here?”

He looks at you curiously from between his shaggy bangs, like you’re the one intruding in his home and not the other way around, then reaches out to hand something to you. “Here, payback.”

It’s a cell phone—not a smartphone like the one he destroyed, but a flip phone circa the 2000s, the kind that forces you to press “9” four times to get the letter “F”. You stare at it for a second, then look back at the villain. “Are you kidding? Did you get this from a museum?”

“Take it or leave it.” His feet are propped up on your coffee table, but you can’t make yourself care. Actually, it looks nice…him stretched out with an odd look of comfort on his lanky form.

You lean back on the couch and kick up your feet next to his. “Fine. Thanks, I guess.”

He shrugs.

“How are your wounds healing?” Why are you trying to make conversation with this guy? He’s…a villain, right? Not that you’ve ever received affirmative confirmation of that fact, but the hesitance to call the police and the breaking and entering are pretty good tells. But…it might be weird, but since you picked him up that day, you’ve felt a kind of kinship with him.

Alone. Abandoned. No place to go. No one to save him. It’s not a pretty comparison, but you can’t deny it rings true.

Maybe that’s why you pick up strays.

“They’re fine,” he tells you after so long a pause that you’ve almost forgotten your question. “Doesn’t even hurt anymore.”

You take a long look at him, at his posture—he’s relaxed, but his abdomen is crunched a little bit, curled in on himself so subtly that even you wouldn’t have noticed it if you weren’t looking. It’s not your problem. He’s an adult, and you’re sure he could be seeking real medical attention if he really needed it. You’re in no way obligated to perform some kind of checkup on this arrogant dick who literally broke into your apartment to give you a shitty phone and eat your cereal. The sensible thing to do is to tell him to forget that you live here and hopefully never see him again.

His head tips back to rest on the top of the couch, and he holds your book up to read. At this angle his long hair is out of the way of his face, and you notice among the deep-set creases in his skin a pair of wide scars across his right eye and on the corner of his lips. They’re pale and faded—old, then—but they look off to you, and after a while of snatching glances at his face you realize it’s because they’re healed badly, extraordinarily badly, the kind of healing that you don’t see very often because it only occurs when a stubborn patient tries to let a particularly nasty injury heal on its own. The part of you that isn’t sensible wonders how old he was when he got those scars.

Has he learned his lesson?

You doubt it.

“Lie down,” you sigh. “Let me see the cuts.”

Which is how you find yourself examining this annoying villain again, checking on his injuries and giving him recommendations for care like you’re his personal nurse or something. It’s not a role you enjoy playing, but at least he takes it without complaint, and you start to wonder if maybe this is why he broke into your apartment in the first place. If anything, he looks calmer when you’ve flipped up his shirt and prodded at his wounds, his eyes closing slowly and freeing you of that scarlet-red gaze.

He’s like a cat, you think, and then you shake your head and remind yourself that it’s a terrible idea to think of this man—this grown man who is probably a great danger to you and others—as a wild animal you’re trying to domesticate.

When he finally leaves (only after you drop a couple dozen unsubtle hints about how long you’ve been at work and how exhausted you are), you take a moment before you sink into bed to look at the flip phone. It’s no nicer than your original impression, but as you scroll through the screens you notice that it’s factory-new, except for one thing: there’s a contact programmed in, a phone number with an area code you don’t recognize listed under “T”. And you don’t want to be curious…

…but you are. Shocking.

Down the rabbit hole it is, you decide. So you text him.

///

[You: 12:03 AM] > Hey it’s (Y/N) > (the girl whose apartment you broke into) > What does T stand for? [T: 12:07 AM] > What do u think [You: 12:09 AM] > ?? [T: 12:09 AM] > My name > Dont you know who i am [You: 12:10 AM] > Are you famous? [T: 12:10 AM] > You dont watch the news do u [You: 12:11 AM] > Not really > What’s your name then [T: 12:12 AM] > … > Didnt u say u had to sleep [You: 12:15 AM] > Oh yeah > Whatever I guess > Good night

[T: 2:34 AM] > Its Tomura > Dont look it up

[You: 8:02 AM] > Ok > I won’t > Tomura

➠ [Part 2]

[kimberly-spirits13]

Brainwashed HC (Request)

Dick:

·      For most of these you went missing during a mission or something

·      This time it was no different

·      You guys were on a mission overseas and you were lost

·      Robin was freaking out the entire time once you didn’t show

·      Like it was to the point where he started yelling at none other than Wally at one point

·      Bruce was so concerned that he actually called for a full, world- wide League search

·      Yeah that was intense

·      Everyone was really upset about it since you were one of the wicked smart and super nice teammates

·      Like everyone’s best friend kinda thing

·      When you two finally were fighting, it was like two minds vs each other

·      You guys knew each other’s weaknesses but he didn’t want to use them on you

·      You were brainwashed by a branch of the League of Assassins however so you really couldn’t care less

·      It wasn’t until his mask tore off some that you snapped out of it before killing him

·      When he saw the chance, he knocked you out with knock out gas if you didn’t already pass out

·      He was in the med bay for a while and you were in rehabilitation

·      The League was keeping very close tabs on you including sending you to Canary

·      They were finally convinced that you were fine in the sense of “unbrainwashed” and you got to go back to the team and Robin

·      Lots of make-up time

·      He was really understanding but you felt terrible

·      In your mind it was because of your own stupidity and carelessness on a mission and weak will power during your time near the League of Assassins that you almost killed Dick

·      You wouldn’t say anything about the late nights and nightmares until he started getting suspicious of the bags under your eyes and jitteriness

·      He confronted you about it when one night on a hunch, he snuck out into the kitchen where you were and confronted you

·      Sleeps with you now

Conner:

·      Kidnapped by Lex

·      There was speculation and everyone really thought that he did it, but there wasn’t really any evidence

·      You were missing for 5 months being brainwashed by the best scientists from all over the nation

·      That was the worst thing to ever happen to you and you’d seen your entire team die

·      He finally found you and dropped all precautions, running to you to try and hug you

·      Haha

·      *A mistake was made*

·      You took out the kryptonite real quick

·      Like girl took that out faster than Flash could run three feet

·      He was floored, very literally actually

·      You had high-powered kryptonite brass spiked knuckles and used them to their demise

·      You were about to blow the final punch when you stopped, giving someone that had just turned up a chance to tase you

·      You woke up a few days later after a surgery that would take the chip out of you that was controlling you

·      There were scans to make sure nothing else was implanted into you

·      You actually seriously felt like the worst human on the planet and you had fought Joker before

·      That was saying a lot

·      Conner was very sympathetic actually and you were afraid that he’d not trust you anymore

·      He understood what it was like to be controlled against his own will

·      Gave you the biggest hug the first time you walked out of the med bay

·      You could not breathe

·      You don’t seriously remember much if you were brainwashed by Lex

·      Probably so that you couldn’t do anything about it

·      You do remember however, seeing Conner almost beaten to death and lemme say, that is not a good image to have burned into your mind every time you close your eyes or give him a small glance

·      You seriously would not train with him for the longest time after that

·      The next time you saw Luthor, you wanted to cry but instead had to be held back so you didn’t literally kill him

·      *Side note* I find it ridiculous that he has been seen by so many witnesses fighting Superman and being on the wrong side of the law and still isn’t incarcerated for life

·      When you finally did train with him, he pulled you aside and you watched movies and chilled for the rest of the day since he knew that was draining

Tim:

·      Kidnapped by the Injustice League

·      Joker was heavily involved, but the rest of the crew didn’t want him turning you into a mini him because that wasn’t any fun

·      You actually are very thankful they weren’t cool with that even if they tortured you

·      Tim got even less sleep and would often just wake up on the floor or somewhere

·      Bruce went batdad insane and raised hell to find you so Timmy would go to sleep

·      Finally, were reunited on a covert- opps mission cause those never go as planned

·      He was almost in tears tbh

·      Probably cried on the way home

·      It was of course kind of hard to beat him but you knew his weak points and how to manipulate that sleep deprived Robin

·      Once you snapped out of it, Joker was the one to try and finish you off

·      Both of you were in the med bay for a few days

·      I think he would be so relieved the first few weeks or maybe months he wouldn’t leave you for a minute

·      If you guys weren’t attached at the hip before, you were now

·      He wanted to make sure that you felt safe

·      I kind of think that there might be the slight chance he would be a bit distant sometimes depending on how deep your manipulation went

·      Snapped out of it once he started hearing you screaming at night upon waking up

·      He would come into your bedroom to see you just pale, shaking, and usually in the corner of your room huddled

·      Protective mode would just spark up immediately

·      He’d sit with you for as long as needed and then either take you to his room or stay in your room

·      You could not look him in the eyes for a few days which hurt both of you but it was understandable on all levels

Bart:

·      Kidnapped by the Reach walking to the Zeta tubes one day after school

·      Bart was worried when you never came home and didn’t pick up the phone

·      Eventually days turned into weeks and upon fighting one of the Reach soldiers or henchmen, it was subtly dropped that you were taken captive

·      He honestly hoped that it was for hostage and not anything else

·      Poor boi had soooo much anxiety and his energy level dropped

·      Then you fought him

·      He rushed to you and you suddenly just dropped kicked him

·      Could not believe he’d see the day you’d ever try and kill him

·      You had the look of fury but also regret like you were fighting yourself the entire time

·      You had a knife to his throat when suddenly panic came over you

·      It was like voices screaming in your head and the area around was spinning

·      You dropped the knife and stammered away, collapsing a few seconds later

·      As much as he had been so eager to get you home, he didn’t really trust you fully again for a time

·      He had seen what happened with the Reach in the future and didn’t want you a part of it

·      Eventually you confronted him in tears over it and said that he was from the future, he should know if you went rouge later

·      He felt horrible and tried to make it up to you in every way known to man

·      You accepted it but were in a state of complete inner turmoil for the longest time

·      Anxiety, panic attacks, probably slight or noticeable depression for everyone

·      That crap was traumatic

·      You weren’t cool around as many people as you used to be

·      It was understandable and the road to recovery was long

Okay, I really loved this request cause it was a real think about it kind of thing. Like not really in a hard way, just kind of, these are the advantages that this person would have over one of the characters since they’d know their weaknesses and how to handle them. Anyways, I hope you guys are doing great, I have a few things coming your way that aren’t just requests. Oh, I think I do plan on writing at least The Summer Solstice Museum and then maybe later the Rouge Goddess one or both at the same time it just depends on work this summer. I hope you guys have a great week and are doing good and staying safe!

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 5.24

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time in trial 5’s wrap-up, with explanations about the plan out of the way, Kaito had a lot of things to say to his sidekicks. He admitted to his jealousy of Shuichi while finally getting his apology thing right for once, probably didn’t fully internalise Shuichi’s insistence that he never had anything to be jealous of, finally stopped pretending that he’s fine, Shuichi and Maki were desperate to protect him against all the odds, Kaito was probably secretly thrilled by how much time Monokuma was wasting, a brief Kokichi interlude proved that his plan had nothing to do with selflessness or trust, Maki’s confession of her feelings for Kaito didn’t remotely diminish their friendship and was very specifically relevant to her character arc, and Kaito… doesn’t truly believe in himself any more.

This time? I think you know what’s going to happen this time.

(space)

Kaito:  “Hey, hey… don’t cry. Can’t you send me off with one last smile? You guys, too. I’m not gonna allow any tears. Send me off with a bang.”

Kaito is not usually against people crying. Shuichi has cried in front of him multiple times and Kaito never tried to tell him not to. He definitely understands that crying about something that hurts is a healthy way to let out your emotions and shouldn’t be discouraged.

So the reason that Kaito’s asking everyone not to cry for him here is really for his own sake. He’s not telling them that’s the reason because that would be making things about himself, but it has to be. He is scared as hell yet determined to face his death with courage, but his lack of real, genuine belief in himself any more means that all of his strength comes from everyone else. They’re what’s been keeping him together this whole time – even when he was falling apart and dying, he could take his mind off the bleak terror of his own situation by focusing on the people around him, thinking about how far his sidekicks have come and how strong they’re being and how proud he is of them, using those thoughts to keep pushing himself forward for their sakes. And now, the reminder that his death is going to hurt them might make his courage falter, and he can’t afford that. He needs them to smile for him, to let him focus on how amazing they are and how they’re going to be okay without him, so that he can find the strength to keep smiling himself.

(“Think of everyone you’re helping, and let that be your strength.” He’s so much like Kaede.)

Shuichi:  “Alright… Kaito. I… won’t cry.”

You can do this, Shuichi. Kaito needs you to be strong for him. You’re his hero, just like he’s always been yours.

I doubt Shuichi is aware that that’s why Kaito is asking this, but he’s still going to manage to do it all the same. He’s able to fight through his emotional pain and not let it stop him when he needs to, even though he’s still feeling it and it still matters. You don’t have to be invincible to be strong enough to support someone.

Kaito:  “Hey, sorry about the wait, Monokuma. You can go ahead and start now.”

Kaito, you are not remotely sorry at all about the wait. You know exactly why you’ve been making him wait. And the fact that Kaito’s specifically saying he’s okay with starting now does rather suggest that he’s pretty sure he can hit the right time window from here.

Kaito:  “But let me just say this to the true mastermind controlling Monokuma… You better get ready! My friends aren’t gonna lose to you!”

He believes in everyone so much and is genuinely so sure that they’ll be able to get out of here and end this! And he’s right! And if the mastermind thinks otherwise, then they’re underestimating the hell out of Kaito’s friends!

Also here is the second Very Excellent Kaito Sprite!!! It’s exactly the kind of fierce determination that’s always defined Kaito, turned up to eleven. Of course Kaito would be like this right at the end! This is just what he deserves! And the fact that he can do this even though he’s clearly still weak and dying and in horrible pain just makes him even more amazing and heroic and inspiring, and Kaito was always always always being an idiot to ever think it wouldn’t!

Kaito:  “And Shuichi… Never forget, you’re not alone. You have friends. Don’t try to do everything by yourself, okay?”

Shuichi:  “…Yeah, Kaito. Okay.”

This is the same thing Kaito said to Shuichi through the bathroom window yesterday! This is why having said that back then heavily implied that he thought he’d never see Shuichi again – because this is the last bit of advice he wants Shuichi to hold onto once he’s gone. That even if Kaito can’t be there for him any more, Shuichi still has other people who are happy to support him, and he doesn’t have to put so much pressure on himself and carry his burdens all alone.

(Kaito is, of course, still being a huge hypocrite re: the whole not dealing with your problems alone thing. But at this point I feel it’s less that he’s convinced he needs to hide his own problems in order for the others to rely on him, and more just that he’s about to die and so his problems don’t matter because it’s too late to help and not worth wasting effort on, right?)

Kaito:  “Don’t forget! The impossible is possible! All you gotta do is make it so!”

This is actually only the third time in the whole story that Kaito ever says this! It was pretty surprising when I realised that, because it feels like such an iconic line for him – but maybe the reason it feels so iconic is that its use right here is so intensely memorable. Of course he’d want to make sure his sidekicks don’t ever forget this.

Shuichi:  “Yeah! Thanks, Kaito!”

And Shuichi won’t! By this point, he thoroughly buys into Kaito’s words and doesn’t think they’re ridiculous or illogical at all.

Maki:  “…”

Kaito:  “Maki Roll… How long are you gonna cry? You should smil—”

Maki:  “I-I can’t… That’s impossible… I can’t…”

It’s okay, Kaito. In Maki’s case, the fact that she’s actually letting herself cry this much and is admitting to how much it hurts is incredible progress. Her trying to suppress that would be a step backwards. Let her cry for you, and be proud of her for that.

(also, aww, that sprite of Maki there)

Kaito:  “Haha… of course… My bad for making you cry like that.”

Kaito! Stop apologising for dying! It is not your fault that she’s hurting; stop telling yourself that it is and making yourself feel bad! She would be so much worse off than this if she’d never met you!

Kaito:  “Alright then! Let’s end this with a bang!”

Damn right we will! The only way Kaito would ever have things end! If he’d really been the one under that press, things would have ended in such a pathetic whimper, but no! Kaito deserves so much more than that!

Kaito:  “A special punishment suited to the Luminary of the Stars!”

Monokuma:  “You don’t gotta tell me! I’m excited to get this started!”

Kaito has very definitely thought about what this punishment will entail.

I love how he stole Monokuma’s line, too. Usually Monokuma is the one to talk about a very special punishment for the Ultimate Whatever, but nope, this execution is on Kaito’s terms. It’s also great that in doing so, he made it a punishment not for the Ultimate Astronaut, but for the Luminary of the Stars. Kaito has never made much of a show of his Ultimate title, because after all he’s still only an astronaut trainee and it’s really not such a big deal that he happens to be the youngest one. The thing he’s always cared the most about being and knew he already was is a luminary. So the Luminary of the Stars is who he is in death, too, whether Monokuma says so or not.

And what’s especially incredible is that Kaito is able to act this bombastically over-the-top not only through his fear and his pain but also through his lack of genuine belief that he really is this awesome any more. In fact, fun fact: the only times he’s called himself the Luminary of the Stars since the beginning of chapter 3 have been either in an attempt to back up his lies about being fine, or as “Exisal Kaito”, a fake and overexaggerated version of himself. For three whole chapters until now, he’s never said it purely for his own sake. He no longer believes he deserves to be called that.

But even if he doesn’t believe in himself now, this larger-than-life showmanship is how Kaito Momota has always been, how he’s always wanted to be, and not even his own issues are going to stop him from being uncompromisingly himself right until the very end. Kaito is so amazing.

Kaito:  “Oh yeah? Well screw you! I’m not gonna die the way you want!!!”

He knows exactly what he’s about to do and is so fucking ready to do it.

(I mean, he’s not. God, he doesn’t want to die at all – but if he doesn’t have a choice on that front, then he’s damn well going to make the most of it like he makes the most of everything.)

The Game Over animation shows Kaito being dragged off like usual, but I refuse to believe that’s what actually happened. He would have walked there himself with his head held high, keeping his dignity and not giving Monokuma the satisfaction.

(He can walk on his own. He doesn’t need your help, Monokuma.)

I love Kaito’s pose and expression here. He never usually crosses his arms at all – his usual body language is much more open – so the fact that he’s doing so here strongly suggests that beneath it all he’s still really freaking scared and does not want Monokuma to see him shaking. His fixed stare straight forwards also reads like he’s trying his hardest not to let any of his fear and pain show on his face. He will not give Monokuma the satisfaction.

Also look at the planetarium projecting stars all over the background. This execution is of course based on the very first execution in Danganronpa 1 as a callback, especially now that we’ve brought the Hope’s Peak stuff into this story. But Kaito’s version has so much more spectacle, just like it should for him.

(One tiny nitpick in this image and the rest of them, though – he should already be covered in his own blood just like he was before this scene started. I am mildly disappointed by this.)

Remember in Danganronpa 2 when some of the execution songs had lyrics? Lyrics about reaching for the stars, even though none of those executions had any right to have anything to do with space and those lyrics were completely extraneous? Remember last trial where I noted that that execution song also had unrelated lyrics, meaning that apparently the composer has not forgotten that they can sometimes put lyrics in execution songs?

Why are they not letting Kaito reach for the stars. It would be perfect. I always insistently sing those lyrics along to the existing music whenever I watch this execution anyway because they should be there. Grumble grumble.

This rocket is almost exactly the same as the one from Danganronpa 1, with two differences: the marquee at the top that clearly displays the status of the execution, and the window that Kaito can see out from. Both of these additions are Very Important.

Blast Off: Second Ignition

Can we take this to mean that in all 53 seasons of Danganronpa, there’s never been another Ultimate Astronaut? Or, at least, never one who was the blackened. Which would make sense, because all astronauts are Good – that’s literally one of the criteria for passing the recruitment exam; Kaito explained this in his FTEs – and so it would take very unique extreme circumstances, even in a killing game, for any astronaut to ever go through with killing someone.

And then all of a sudden this isn’t like the DR1 execution after all. This may seem just like a twist they put on the old execution just to keep it fresh, but it’s really quite narratively meaningful. At first, this appears to be the usual kind of cruel irony in executions. Kaito thought he’d get to go to space? Haha, no, we’re taking him as far away from space as possible and killing him there.

But that’s not what happens. Against all the odds, despite how impossible it seems, Kaito manages to hang on and keep fighting and come out the other side, turning a bleak situation in which he seemed utterly doomed right around and somehow grasping a victory for himself anyway. That’s exactly the kind of narrative that Kaito has had in general throughout this whole game culminating in his heroic role in this trial, and I love that they gave him that for his execution too. They care so much about Kaito’s story.

(Okay, so realistically Kaito could not possibly have been sent all the way through the Earth’s core because that’s A, way too far to go (even assuming the execution took longer than the cutscene makes it seem, which it must have done regardless) and B, would very definitely have killed him. What’s actually happening here, presumably, is that the rocket does a big U-turn after it’s down a certain way, and everything we see outside the rocket implying it’s going straight through the Earth is just special effects provided by Team Danganronpa.)

(I should also mention that the in-universe writers definitely didn’t do this for the purpose of presenting that narrative I just talked about, because they never realised Kaito would even have such a narrative and only intended him to be a disposable crutch for Shuichi’s development. The only reason they decided to make the rocket go downwards was because if it’d gone upwards then it’d have smashed a hole in the dome that would expose the lie about the ruined outside world and allow everyone to escape.)

Hang in there, Kaito, you’re almost there!

It’s technically inaccurate to say that Monokuma had absolutely no hand in killing Kaito, because the shaking and the G-force from the rocket would have made his existing pain from his illness so much worse. An account I once read by an actual astronaut describing the experience of liftoff talked about enduring the G-forces by tensing his stomach muscles, which has to hurt like hell for Kaito to do right now, and by using a breathing technique he’d been taught, which it looks like Kaito might be doing here? Hopefully Kaito can focus on his astronaut training and try to think of this as just the launch he’d always dreamed of, that it’s still worth it even if it’s so much more painful than he imagined it being. Monokuma is managing to cause Kaito a lot of suffering here – but goddammit Kaito is going to hold on through it all just a little bit longer because he cannot die before he’s gone to space!

And he’s here. He made it. He’s in space.

he’s in space

HE’S IN SPACE

And most of all, he can see that he’s in space. The window is so very important. Every spacecraft needs a window because otherwise how will the astronaut be able to experience the feeling of being in space that’s the one thing every astronaut wants so much and worked so hard for?

I love how this particular shot shows the stars outside by having them be reflected off the window, even though they otherwise wouldn’t be visible from this angle. It is so important that we know what he’s seeing. (SPACE. He’s seeing space.)

Also, I do not remotely have the musical vocabulary to properly describe this, but the BGM makes A Sound during this moment that’s unique to this execution theme that really gets across the wonder and amazement Kaito must be feeling at seeing this and being here. He’s in space.

And then he just… breathes a sigh of relief and relaxes. For the first time in his whole story, he doesn’t have to fight any more. He can rest. He can give in and let his illness take him away.

Under any other circumstances, Kaito might not have let himself do this, might have forced himself to keep fighting just for the sake of fighting until his very last breath, simply because doing otherwise would be giving up and he is too damn stubborn to ever do that. But here, holding on too stubbornly might just result in him dying too late, when Monokuma wants him to. It’s by finally going easy on himself and letting himself rest that he’s able to claim his victory. And I really, really like that.

And he’s smiling! He’s in space! He’s seen it up close and it’s everything he hoped it’d be! He fulfilled his dream! Almost everything he wanted was for others, but this is the one thing he wanted for himself and he got it after all!

And he’s about to win. He was hoping this whole trial that he’d be able to time things just right and die right here, and that’s exactly what he’s doing.

This is a much smaller, more subdued smile than Kaito’s usual dazzling grins, but that’s as it should be. For once, he’s not smiling for someone else’s sake. This is a smile that’s entirely for himself.

(It is also possible, actually, that he could see the Earth through the window in the brief glimpse he got – and if he did, he’d have seen that it’s very definitely not been horribly ravaged by meteorites. So maybe a tiny bit of this smile is for his friends, in that he knows with even more certainty that they’re going to have somewhere to escape to after all.)

The marquee, meanwhile, is important so that we can see very clearly that Monokuma is not okay with this. We’d have known that soon enough anyway from his reaction when the rocket comes back down (up?), but having it be made apparent right as it happens is the perfect way to do it.

…Can we first talk about the pool of blood that he’s lying in. He coughed out blood while sitting up that blotted out the window, but that’s not enough to have made this pool too. So probably what happened while we were busy being shown the rocket looking confused is that Kaito collapsed to the ground and just kept coughing up more and more until he couldn’t any longer.

And yet somehow, despite that, despite everything, he looks peaceful now that he’s gone. Like he’s just taking a well-earned rest. As much as he could manage it, this is on his terms. Kaito is one of the only Danganronpa characters who dies with a smile on his face, and if anyone could manage to do that, of course it would be him. His pain was fading into fuzzy nothingness, and he could he let himself slip away with the thoughts that he made it to space after all, that his friends are going to be okay, and that Monokuma’s really not gonna like this.

Damn right it did! Fuck you! You may have caused him a lot of pain and pushed his death a little closer, but he still didn’t die when you wanted him to!

The irony in this execution was presumably meant to be to give Kaito a tiny, tantalising glimpse of space and then drag him away from it back down into a terrifying deadly crash, but nope. He died up here, in the place he loved so much, before anyone could take that from him.

There’s a fun “Eeeeoo-eeoooo-ooouuu” noise here that sounds kind of like the rocket powering down as it just gives up, and it’s wonderfully satisfying.

What’s also really fun and satisfying is what the music does here as the rocket heads back down. In almost every execution theme, there’s a bit with wordless vocals that kind of go “wa-wa-wa-wa, wa-wa-ooh” and so on, which almost always happens as the final killing blow is dealt. That bit’s still here in this version, but unlike every other time, it’s in a different, higher key than usual. Because this should have been the killing blow, but it isn’t! The execution failed! I am very grumbly at the composer for refusing to put the obviously correct lyrics into this piece, but I really really love that they thought to do this.

I do not approve of the way the rest of the students are standing here in really neutral poses and only-vaguely-stressed expressions that barely look like they just watched one of their friends die. (We should assume that there was a camera of some sort inside the rocket and that the feed was being played on a screen that they could see, because obviously Monokuma would want the maximum despair by forcing them to watch Kaito meet his end.) The fact that Maki is not crying here is a very blatant and explicit inaccuracy, and really she and Shuichi should at least be standing next to each other, and probably also holding onto each other for emotional support. They understand each other’s pain and would be trying to help each other through it just like Kaito would have wanted them to. FRIENDS, dammit.

Monokuma is SO ANGERY and I love it.

And I love this whole execution scene. It’s not completely perfect, I have a couple of notes as you’ve seen, but just, aaaaaaa. It makes me genuinely happy to watch. Kaito dies, yes, but given that that was going to happen, it is the best possible death he could have had and it is everything he deserves and I cannot even. It manages to make his death feel like a triumph, which is so right for Kaito.

(SPACE. He was in space.)

I suppose another part of what used to wig me out about Danganronpa executions is the way they make such a spectacle of a character’s horrible ironic death. But in Kaito’s case, this is his heroic victory on his own terms even in death, and so damn right it should have this much spectacle. And damn right he is very much not an object but still a character, still Kaito, right up until the end.

Monokuma:  “Ghghghgh…!”

Thanks for sending Kaito to space and fulfilling his dream for him just before he died, Monokuma! He wouldn’t have been as happy if you hadn’t tried to execute him – you really did him a solid there!

Monokuma has an absolutely delightful voice clip of angry mumbling here that has some far more creative noises than the text box suggests and goes something like: “MmrghrackinfrickinssunarrnnrusFRGHRGH”. It is my favourite voice clip of Monokuma’s. It is so satisfying.

Shuichi:  “What’s the matter, Monokuma!? Upset that Kaito won!?”

Shuichi knows exactly what Kaito just did and is so proud of him for doing it!

Maki:  “He died before the end of your punishment. Kaito didn’t die from your execution!”

This makes it clear that they really must have been forced to watch the whole execution on some kind of screen – but that just backfired on Monokuma too! That means that they saw Kaito die in space and they felt happy and relieved to see that as well!

Monokuma:  “Hmph… I dunno if he meant to do it, but he certainly went out like a stubborn jackass.”

Of course he meant to! Kaito would never have settled for anything less!

(It was essentially Kokichi’s ultimate goal to piss off Monokuma, but in the end, Kaito’s the one that Monokuma felt the most personally infuriated by. And that wasn’t even his main intent with the plan, just the icing on the cake at the end.)

Shuichi:  “That’s… enough! Enough of your bullshit, Monokuma!”

I’m pretty sure this is the first time in the game Shuichi’s used such strong language – and it’s not going to be the last. This really goes to show that he is absolutely not fucking around any more.

Shuichi:  “I made a promise to Kaito! I will end this killing game! And to give Kaito’s death meaning, I swear I *will* keep my promise!”

Shuichi has to be so, so goddamn tired of losing people he cares about, of having their deaths still feel meaningless as of right now because this killing game’s just kept going. But no more. He is Done with this. Losing Kaito was the last straw.

The Monokubs are extremely confused at all this drama and emotion going on.

Monokid:  “Feels like we stumbled into the last act. I dunno what’s happenin’ at all!”

Yep, that’s exactly what they did. Nobody told them to be subtle about this, either.

Monokuma:  “By the way… I dunno where you got the idea that this killing game can be stopped. There’s nothing a participant can do to end this killing game.”

And here Monokuma’s hinting that this isn’t really just about this individual killing game and is about the endless cycle of “fictions” that a fictional character within one of them couldn’t possibly do anything about.

Then he flashes everyone with a delayed-action Flashback Light that’s going to take effect bit by bit next chapter. If the Flashback Lights can do that, then the technology is clearly very versatile and well-refined, making it even easier to imagine that they can also do all of the many other brain-rewriting and subtle-borderline-brainwashing things that they have apparently been doing this whole game.

Monokuma:  “You’ll remember soon enough… You’ll remember that despair is the only choice you have. And that hope doesn’t exist here at all!”

He actually gave them those memories to give them hope (supposedly; it’s actually a meaningless attempt at that and we’ll get into that next chapter). But nope, since he’s Monokuma, he’s contractually obliged to act like he wants everything to be about despair, when really he’s just trying to make things entertaining.

Shuichi:  (After all that, I honestly don’t remember how we got back. It took all I had just to accept the reality that Kaito was gone…)

Awww, Shuichi. He really did depend on Kaito so much – almost too much – and it has to be so hard to know he’s suddenly not there any more.

Shuichi:  (But it wasn’t all for nothing. Because we’re drawing ever closer to discovering the true mastermind…)

Damn right. Kaito sacrificed everything for this plan so that they’d at least know for sure there was an audience. (And, okay, Kokichi’s actions helped too, but that was just an incidental side-effect of his selfish plan and not because he actively wanted to help them.)

At some point during the time in which Shuichi is presumably taking a break in his room to grieve for Kaito, Tsumugi is cosplaying Junko, apparently purely for the heck of it, and monologuing to Motherkuma about how the killing game will never end. Was this necessary, Tsumugi? This is a teaser for the out-universe audience, sure, but is the in-universe audience also seeing this teaser, or does she just make a habit of villainous gloating to herself as Junko?

“Junko”:  “As long as it’s fun, we have to keep doing it. That’s just simple supply and demand.”

And that’s not something the real Junko ever cared about, now, is it. She spread despair for her own sake, not because anybody else wanted it.

Shuichi:  (Later that night… I found myself standing in that one spot in the courtyard. The place where Kaito and I would train together…)

He came to the training spot! By the way he talks about it, he didn’t even really consciously think about it – he was just missing Kaito so much that he sort of wandered here to try and help himself cope with it.

Shuichi:  (My heart… felt crushed. All the loss and guilt and helplessness… sinking in my chest.)

Awwww, Shuichi!

(It’s okay to cry if you need to now, Shuichi. Kaito only asked you not to for as long as he was still there. He never wanted you to suppress it forever.)

Maki:  “…What are you doing?”

Shuichi:  “Ah, Maki…”

Maki:  “…So, you came too.”

Shuichi:  “Yeah…”

And of course Maki came too, for the same reasons. They really are both his sidekicks.

Shuichi:  “Maki… I’m sorry.”

Maki:  “For what?”

Shuichi:  “I was the one who drove Kaito into a corner… Just like Kaede, I… I end up betraying everyone important to me… It’s all my fault.”

No, Shuichi! None of this is your fault! You didn’t betray him! You couldn’t possibly have known until it was too late that revealing the truth would get in the way of Kaito’s goal. Kaito knew the risks and accepted them when he agreed to the plan, like Kaede did with her crime. That was his responsibility alone to bear, just like he told you Kaede’s was when you first trained together! He was going to die anyway no matter what happened, so dying the way he did was better than it ever could have been otherwise! And you must know Kaito would never, ever have wanted you to blame yourself for this.

Ghhhhh. It’s so heartbreaking that without Kaito there to talk him out of it, and while he’s still reeling from his newfound grief, Shuichi just reverts back to all of his usual self-loathing and unnecessary guilt. He doesn’t deserve any of this.

The way Maki bluntly asks Shuichi what he could even be sorry for makes it clear that she doesn’t blame Shuichi for any of this at all, at least. (I wonder if she’s partly blaming herself for it because of the whole crossbow thing, but if she is, she doesn’t mention it.)

Maki:  “…Are you feeling lonely?”

Shuichi:  “Huh?”

Maki:  “Are you lonely… now that Kaito is gone?”

Shuichi:  “Yeah… lonely. I… I feel so lonely, and so sad I… I don’t know what to do…”

Instead of doing what Kaito would have done and telling him not to blame himself, though, Maki has a very different approach to try and help Shuichi. It’s probably because she herself has only just opened up to the approach of acknowledging how she’s feeling and talking about how much it hurts that she’s trying to encourage Shuichi to do so with her.

Shuichi:  “The only reason I’m still alive right now is because of Kaito. If he hadn’t have been my friend, I would be…”

Shuichi really, genuinely feels like Kaito saved his life, just by being his friend. And Kaito never knew that. God damn it, if only Shuichi had realised how much it would have helped Kaito to hear that from him.

Maki:  “…Me too.”

And Maki feels the same way! He saved her too! She’s finally able to admit that to herself! Kaito really was a hero to both of them.

(I am an absolute emotional wreck as I’m writing this, just so you know. Far more than I’ve been at any of the other times I’ve mentioned doing myself an emotion.)

Maki:  “I can’t remember the last time I ever cried that hard. I wonder how long it’s been…”

That’s a good thing, Maki Roll! Not that you had something to cry about, of course, but that you let yourself do so at last.

It’s implicitly been a few hours or so since the trial ended, so I can only assume Maki was having herself a nice long cry in her room during that time. I hope Shuichi was letting himself cry too.

Maki:  “But, I won’t cry anymore. I’m sad, but… I’m grateful to Kaito.”

Shuichi:  “Grateful?”

Maki:  “Yeah. I want to tell him that rather than being sad or lonely… I’m grateful to him. … That’s why… I won’t cry anymore. I’m not going to wallow in pity. I want to show him how much I appreciate all the things he did.”

That’s exactly what Kaito would have wanted! As much as you can, try not to wallow in your sadness, and instead try and think of and focus on the good things and what you can do to move forward! I don’t know if Maki’s aware that she’s following Kaito’s philosophy here, but this is the perfect way to honour his memory. Maybe she’s able to see this when Shuichi can’t because even though she’s only just figuring out how to express her pain, she’s still a lot more used to being in a lot of pain and yet remaining able to think rationally through it all.

It’s also so lovely that she’s finally fully willing to admit that Kaito has done so much for her. It’s just a shame that she only managed to do so upon his death and never got to say that to him while he was alive. It really would have meant so much to him to hear that.

Shuichi:  “Yeah… Yeah, I guess it’s the same for me. I want to show my appreciation, too. I’m sure that our friends who’ve passed on… don’t want to see us miserable.”

Exactly, Shuichi! Kaito never wanted his death to hurt you and hated that he couldn’t stop it from doing so anyway. And neither did Kaede.

Shuichi:  “…Thanks.”

Maki:  “Yeah…”

I like that even though she took a completely different approach, Maki did end up helping Shuichi realise that Kaito would never have wanted him to feel guilty about this.

Tsumugi and Himiko show up. Apparently Tsumugi finished pointlessly cosplaying, then.

Tsumugi:  “Umm… If you don’t mind, can we join you in your training?”

From the fact that she’s the first one to ask, it was most likely Tsumugi’s idea to join in with a training session to honour Kaito. This is an absolutely lovely sentiment! This was quite possibly the only thing that made me actually care about and like Tsumugi a little bit on my first time through when I was otherwise completely indifferent to her character.

Which is to say, it’s the only reason I felt at all sad and betrayed when I realised she was the mastermind. I’d thought she cared about Kaito, but apparently not. She’s just suggesting this because it makes a good story; she doesn’t give a damn about honouring Kaito’s memory for Kaito’s sake, not when she’s the one who killed him. This gives me such mixed feelings about this part now; it’s still is a lovely gesture on the surface and there should be a group training session in honour of Kaito, but, argh. Fuck you, Tsumugi, you murderer.

Himiko:  “I’ll train you all from the ground up so we can end this killing game together.”

At least Himiko genuinely cares about training to honour Kaito, though! Even if it might not have been her idea to come. So there’s that. It’s also pretty cute of her that she claims she’s going to train them (despite how we see in the upcoming illustration that she is not very good at push-ups), which might be an early sign of something Himiko’s going to be doing a bit more of next chapter, too.

Tsumugi:  “Himiko and I promised Kaito.”

Himiko:  “Yeah. We’re gonna do what we promised and work together to end this killing game.”

Tsumugi lying through her teeth for her part in that promise aside, this does give the impression that she and Himiko have maybe been hanging out a little offscreen and getting to be somewhat closer friends. Himiko is going to be the most openly upset about Tsumugi being the mastermind when that gets revealed.

Shuichi:  (Monokuma said that there’s no hope anywhere… But he’s wrong. There is hope. My friends are my hope.)

Did you know this game is about friends! Friends are the best source of hope – as in, they’re not literally hope itself, Shuichi is still using the word slightly wrong here – but they inspire you to stay hopeful! Kaito was the best at it, but every other one of his friends can do it too just by being there and being his friend.

Shuichi:  (Kaito said it best… I’m not alone.)

Shuichi’s not forgetting that! Kaito would be so glad, since he wanted so badly to have that be the last bit of advice Shuichi took from him before the end.

Shuichi:  (Not just my friends here, but also friends who have died… They all gave us their hope too.)

They did! Especially Kaito and Kaede, but everyone else who was their friend, too.

(Hope isn’t a tangible thing such that you can give yours to somebody else, as if you wouldn’t have it any more once you inspired somebody else with it. It’s more like they shared their hope with him, giving him the strength to keep hoping.)

Shuichi:  (Thank you… Kaito.)

Mmmrnghrghrmgh. I’d say it’s painful that Kaito never heard those words, but Shuichi did thank Kaito several times for many different things. Kaito just never quite realised how truly grateful Shuichi was for absolutely everything.

Kaito:  “Let your sweat wash away all your sadness, fear, worry, and hardships. Just start moving your body and your pain will become memories before you know it.”

Maki:  “…Then you should train, too.”

Kaito:  “Well, I don’t have anything to worry about. Cuz, I mean… I’m Kaito Momota! Luminary of the Stars!”

Shuichi’s narration never specifies why he thinks back to these particular words Kaito said. The first part is just good advice to help him take his mind off his pain while exercising… but why also think of the rest? I wonder if this is Shuichi finally realising that, oh, man, Kaito really did have the most worries and hardships the whole time and was keeping them all to himself. I kind of wish his narration would have gone into that realisation a little more, though.

Meanwhile, Keebo did not come to the Kaito memorial training session because he’s too busy having a chapter-end stinger, since Kaito’s execution incidentally broke his inner voice antenna.

Keebo:  “All I hear now… is silence. That silence means my will is now my own.”

This kind of sounds like Keebo is realising that his inner voice was essentially subtly mind-controlling him this whole time, which should in theory make him more resistant to it when he gets his antenna back before the next trial. But… it’s not going to.

Keebo:  “Even if despair is all we have to choose… Even if hope no longer exists… I will never give in to despair!”

That… doesn’t make any goddamn sense, Keebo. Refusing to give into despair even though you don’t think you have anything to hope for is exactly the kind of meaninglessly positive attitude that everyone was having when they saw the Flashback Lights this chapter. Keebo is having the exact same mindset he always has and simply not using the word “hope” for it in this case. At least his lack of inner voice is finally spurring him to take some action, I guess.

The end of the chapter gives you Kaito’s jacket, officially called the “Galactic Jacket”. Of course he called it that. What a dork.

A memento of Kaito. It depicts his fantasies of the universe.

SPACE. (He was in space.)

Most of the execution presents just feel like a gameplay mechanic thing, but I do like to think – and I’ve seen a lot of fanart of this, too – that Maki and/or Shuichi did in fact take Kaito’s jacket with them. Let’s not think too hard about the fact that they’d have had to awkwardly remove it from his body after he fell out of the rocket (unless maybe they just got another spare one from his room?) and just focus on the thought that of course they’d want a memento of Kaito to help give them some of his stubborn optimism and strength. We don’t actually see either of them wearing it during chapter 6, but shush, it’s totally just because the artists didn’t want to redraw a bunch of sprites just for one chapter, right.

If they did take the jacket that went to space with Kaito, I wonder if they washed the blood out of it. I’d like to imagine they considered it but then decided not to, because they don’t need to hide the fact that Kaito was suffering to be able to remember him as a hero – and in fact, trying to erase that and pretend he was invincible wouldn’t do proper justice to how incredible of a hero he was.

---

[Chapter-end bonus ramble] [Next post]

[androgynousblackbox]

Lucky Light AU: Where Light catches a break but loses it

Classmate: Hey, Light! Over here! Light: Hey, guys!... is he still there? Ryuk: Yep, following along like nothing. Light: Oh, great. I don’t feel nervous at all. Classmate: Eh, Light, does something happened to your face? You look like just went through the dentist. Other classmate: Or had some botox surgery. Aren’t you too young for that? Light: HAHA! W-What is that supose to mean? I am just excited for going out! I have been closed off for week now! The exams are coming up, you know! Classmate: You don’t have to remind me... Other classmate: Poor Light, it must be tough keeping the title of Top Student. Come on, let’s go now that the bus is here. Classmate: I could become Top Student too if I wanted to! It’s not my fault they came out with such good games just when I am about to study. Other classmate: Yeah, right!  Ryuk: Light, even though it so funny to see you like this, you might want to calm down too or the agent will start thinking you do have something to hide. Although that could be fun too. Freak out a little more and let’s see what happens. Light: Shut-up. Light: Anyway, where do you want to go next? Classmate: To the manga store, obviously! Later we can have a walk through the mall and get something to eat. Light: That sounds *see at Raye Penber coming close to sit at the very back and he swallowed, forcing himself to not see* like a great idea. I actually can’t remember the last time I went there. Other: Man, you gotta know how to have fun sometimes too! Light: You sound like Sayu now. She keeps inviting me to watch those drama with her and mom. I indulged her one time and she never let it go since then. Classmate: Hey, what is wrong with those drama? Other: Are you serious? Light *while the two start to argue the good things about drama, he wrote down on his pieces of paper a couple of criminals that were announced that mornig, being very careful of writing on such a tiny letter and covered by his hand* Classmate: Hey, Light, what are you doing? Light: U-uh? Nothing, nothing at all. Just writing down some manga titles I would like to get, that is all. Classmate: Then why are you so secretive about it? Ryuk: The agent is listening everything, Light, hehe. Light:... Light: C-come on, guys... do you need to ask? Other classmate: Don’t tell me you... Light/Classmate: Huh? Other classmate: Don’t tell me you... are also looking for hentai titles! I got it right, right? Your face tells me all! Light:... Raye Penber:... Other classmate: I didn’t know you had it in you, Light! I thought you were too serious for that stuff. I am a ecchi’s guy myself, but I won’t discriminate either, you know? Classmate: For fuck’s sake, man, shut up. Do you want the entire bus to hear you? At least Light was discreet about it. You both are still gross, though. Other classmate: Hey, there is nothing wrong with two young men admiring the female figure in all it’s beauty, right, Light? Light: I have nothing to do with this conversation. Classmate: See, that is what you get when you are a pervert. Other classmate: Who are you calling pervert? Light *despite the awkard moment, he does gets to laugh a little when both classmate start insulting each other and then change the subject to their favourite current anime. It’s a fun talk and a normal talk, something he didn’t knew he missed so much until now. When they arrive at their station, he quickly write down another name, the shorter of all, plus the time of death for a few hours from now and thought that was enough for a good while. When they were coming out the bus, he put the paper quickly on his jacket but it fell off without him realizing, right at the feet of Raye Penber* Classmate: Move it, guys, before the light turns red! Light: Alright, we are there. Other classmate: What way was it? The right? Classmate: It’s the other way through that street. They have a big selection and the place is huge. Raye Penber *grabs the piece of paper and unfold it, reading that it wasn’t no hentail titles but name he vaguely remember hearing that morning on TV. He was about to message one of his coworkers so anyone could confirm what was up with those people when he lifted his eyes and his feet seemed fused to the floor. In front of him, just above Light’s shoulder, was a creature like he have never seen and, more incredible than that, not even Light seemed bothered in the slighteast.* Light *felt the stare more intensively than usual and turned around to see the agent standing on the street. It took him merely an instant to understand where his sight was fixated, feel he had no paper on his right pocket and then the horror on the look of Raye Penber as his sight turned to him. For one horrible moment Light, a horrible moment of clarity, felt paralyzed, caught, like someone cut him open and spread his guts all over the floor, but the next moment...* Classmate: WHAT THE...? Other classmate: The fuck was that?! Classmate: Someone ran over a guy! He was just standing there! Fuck, do you think he is...? Other classmate: I don’t fucking know, and don’t want to find out. Let’s move. Light. Light! Classmate: Dude, I think he saw it. Like, right after. Other classmate: Oh, shit... Light. Light, come on, dude. *some sirens are heard in the distance* Light: I-I... I am fine, it’s okay, I am... *he tumbles to a trash container and start vomiting on it* Ryuk: Eww, nasty, hehe. Other classmate: Are you okay, Light? Classmate: Of course he is not okay, you idiot! He just saw someone fucking die! Other classmate: At least I am not screaming like some histeric asshole. Light, it’s okay, helps is coming. The guy will be okay, for sure... Classmate: I don’t know, man, that didn’t looked fine to me. Other classmate: Do you want to help or not? Light: G-guys, guys... It’s okay. Don’t fight. It was an accident. I just... it was the shock, that is all. I never... saw anyone die like that. Other classmate: Come on, we don’t know for sure if he is dead. Classmate: He is dead, dude. Other classmate: Well... whatever. Let’s get out of here. Can you walk, Light? Light: Y-yeah. Yeah, I think so. Other classmate: C-come on. Poor guy. But if he was standing right there, I don’t know what he expected. Classmate: Who the fuck knows. Other classmate: Are you sure you don’t want just go home, Light? You look really pale. Light: It’s... it’s fine. I just... it will pass. If you guys prefer to call it off, though... Classmate: I am fine doing anything before thinking about what just happened. Other classmate:... same, honestly. Light: Good, so... we are on the same boat. Let’s go to that place... *Light saw down to a piece of paper that had fly off to his shoe and recognized his own handwritting. Before any of his classmate could see him, he grabbed the paper and put it on his pocket again, containing the nausea, like he just grabbed a severed arm that was still bleeding* Classmate: Light? Ryuk: It seems like your luck is favouring you once more, Light. You didn’t had to do a thing this time. Isn’t that hilarious? Light:... I am going.

[we-pay-for-everything]

I love your meta on the similarities and differences between Rachel and Lorelai! Can that be a new thing, sending you two characters and asking you to analyze their similraities and differences? If so: Elena and Bonnie. And Stefan and Damon please :)

Ha! This is really flattering, especially since I didn’t put that much effort into the Rachel/Lorelai post (I mean, I put effort into it, but it didn’t come out that great). And you can ask me anything! But if you want this to be a “new thing”, it can be! That gives me the idea of creating a masterlist for asks, like gif-makers have? For example:

Choose between two characters.

Choose between two ships.

Compare two characters. 

Compare two ships.

Episode analysis. 

Etc.? Tell me what you think! I don’t know if that’s something you guys want. 

Elena vs. Bonnie

There are obvious similarities between them, personality wise. They’re both very empathetic, selfless, caring, loyal, brave, strong. They love deeply. They’re not afraid to die for what they believe in or for someone they love. They’re smart and resourceful. They don’t like to depend on people. They’re generally honest, but will lie or manipulate if necessary. They keep their promises. They’re protectors.

In the supernatural world, they’re hot commodities, being both human and supernatural (if such a thing isn’t a contradiction!). They can’t help being sucked into the vampire drama. Bennett witches are the most powerful and important of witches, and many spells depend on them. Vampires and other supernaturals love to exploit them. Doppelgangers are supernaturally recurring in nature, and Elena’s doppelganger line is the most important and powerful of them all. Many spells also need blood of the doppelgangers, so supernatural drama follows Elena wherever she goes. 

They have an interesting “relationship” with Klaus. In season 2, Elena was the main ingredient (yikes) in the Sun and the Moon curse mess, and Bonnie was the main ingredient in the Kill Klaus mess. The former would grant Klaus true immortality, and the latter would kill him. Elena makes Klaus strong (her blood is the key in creating hybrids and tapping into Klaus’s werewolf side), and Bonnie weakens him (she nearly kills him, more than once, and she and her mother were essential to Esther’s plan to kill the entire vampire race). 

Relationship wise, they have similar/opposite dynamics with certain characters. In the beginning, Caroline was their “back-up” best friend. Bonnie loved Jeremy the opposite of how Elena loves Jeremy, but with comparable intensity. Bonnie and Damon have a connection from the beginning, just like Elena and Damon do. (Bonnie and Damon recognized in each other their love for Elena, and their willingness to do whatever it took to protect her. They often worked together to this end, even though they disagreed on everything else. Eventually, Damon and Bonnie become friends, and when Bonnie’s life is tied to Elena’s, he chooses to let Bonnie live although it means postponing his future life with Elena. Damon and Elena had an “understanding”. They were both part of Stefan’s life, and their love for Stefan bound them. They saw in each other the same passion, drive, restlessness, unhappiness.)

Also, Bonnie ends up with Enzo, kinda. She falls for the evil vampire, which is something Elena can relate to! 

Differences between them? Elena is more accepting and forgiving than Bonnie. Damon calls Bonnie “Judgy” which isn’t entirely false. As a witch, she is the “judge” of the supernatural world. Witches “maintain the balance”. Bonnie can hold a grudge, and she expects people to be like her. Elena expects good things from people as well, but she’s more understanding and accommodating of their flaws. Elena is warm and soft (her manner is soft, she’s tough), while Bonnie is warm yet hard and inflexible. They’re both very strong and brave, but in different ways. Elena’s strength is in her compassion, vulnerability, adaptability. Bonnie’s strength is in her integrity, resilience, selflessness. Their strength comes from similar places, but expresses itself differently. 

Oh, and Bonnie and Elena have a confusing and unconventional family. Bonnie’s family is big though. Her dad’s family is supposed to be huge, and the Bennett line never dies. But Elena’s family is nearly gone. She’s the last doppelganger, both her mothers and both her fathers die, her aunt dies... 

All Bonnie and Elena want from life is to be normal and help people. But they also want excitement and adventure (I unintentionally quoted Damon!). 

I’m exhausted!! Let’s move on, haha. Stefan vs. Damon under the cut.

Stefan vs. Damon

Oh, boy! Let’s start with the most obvious similarity: their taste in women. Stefan and Damon fall for the same woman, not once!... but twice. Stefan is the love of Katherine’s life, and Damon is the love of Elena’s life. (They also sleep with a lot of the same women: Katherine, Elena, Rebekah, Caroline... yikes!). 

Damon and Stefan are brave, capable, smart, perspective, charming (almost unintentionally in Stefan’s case). Damon is selfish, manipulative, into the whole bad boy thing, the older brother, etc. Stefan is selfless, kind, the younger brother. Stefan relates to people, he’s compassionate and empathetic, and thus being a vampire is hard on him. Stefan hates it. Damon isn’t very compassionate at all. He doesn’t connect with most people, especially humans. Life and death mean very little to him overall. Damon loves being a vampire (less than he lets on, but still). Ironically, he has a pretty firm grip on his vampire nature, unlike Stefan who is a ripper. But Stefan has control over his emotions, and Damon is a ticking time bomb. I also want to point out that Stefan and Damon are intelligent in different ways. Both are pragmatic and have tons of life experience, but Damon is more strategic, perceptive, ruthless. His plans often work. Stefan listens and accepts ideas from others. He’s considerate, patient and respectful. He cleans up after Damon’s messes because Damon doesn’t think things through, and his plans have unforeseen consequences. They’re both leaders, and people to turn to in times of crisis. They’re also very good liars! 

Damon was his father’s least favorite child, and Stefan was the golden child. I dunno if Stefan was also his mom’s favorite? 

Damon loves Elena’s kindness and beautiful heart, but what he loves the most is her passion, spunk, strength, hunger for something more. Stefan loves Elena’s vitality and resilience, but he loves her compassion, warmth and groundedness (yes, that’s an actual word, I checked!) more. Ultimately, that’s why Stefan and Damon responded so differently to Elena becoming a vampire. Being a vampire made Elena more intense, more impulsive, more bold. Damon responded very well to that. He loved that she became hungry for life and out of control, like him. But Stefan didn’t like that Elena became less “stable”, because Elena was his rock. Her immutability was part of the reason he loved her. 

Stefan and Damon have something very important in common besides their love for Elena and that’s their love for each other. Despite everything, they can’t let the other die. They’ll fight and nearly kill each other, but they’ll always have each other’s backs when it matters most. They know each other very well, but they’re biased and that works against them. Their complicated history together gets in the way of them seeing each other as they are. 

I think Stefan wants a peaceful existence. He wants to control his darkest parts. Caroline was good for him in that way, because she has impeccable self-control and is a planner. Stefan’s life is a big ol’ mess but Caroline is great at cleaning up messes. Their nice June wedding and their wholesome personalities speak to this peaceful, human-like existence they both wanted (Caroline has ambition, but she also wants stability). Damon, again ironically, is the one who gets the cliché human life. But he loved Elena because he saw the anger, pain and passion just bubbling under the surface. She was always more out of control than she let on. Damon and Elena have the most fun together after a near-death experience or when something unexpected happens. 

Damon and Stefan are very evenly matched in terms of strength and knowledge. They’re similar in ways I can’t describe. When I look at them and their arcs, I see a convergence of their personalities and life choices. It’s hard to explain. I think they have more similarities than differences. 

Thanks for the ask!!! That was quite a ride. 

[silentauroriamthereal]

Hello, sorry to bother you again, but I have a question that I hope you can help me with. Why did John blame Sherlock for Mary's death? He wasn't even in the room when she was shot, yet he immediately blamed Sherlock. I really can't make any sense of it. It drives me nuts that John put Sherlock through so much pain, by verbally and physically abusing him (oftentimes publicly), for something he actually tried to prevent! Do you have any ideas on this? Thanks for your time ❤️

Hey, ask away! I’m always pleased when someone wants to know my opinion on something, haha! :)

It’s a realllllly twisted bit of reaction, honestly! His rationale at the time was that Sherlock had made a vow to keep all three of them safe (John, Mary, and Rosie), and since Mary was dead, Sherlock had failed him. Sherlock was all too willing to accept the blame because he’d goaded Vivian Norbury, but that in no way makes him responsible for her having pulled the trigger or Mary having magically defied physics (don’t all Mary Sue’s have super powers??) and jumped in front of the bullet, though. It was an ugly choice on John’s part. 

That said, I also think that John was hugely compromised at the time. It obviously wasn’t a thought-out, rational decision on his part. Here’s a man whom life has betrayed over and over and over again. Thanks to Moftiss, who were so busy inventing non-canonical extra siblings for Sherlock (and they really, really could have just... not) that they didn’t bother giving us any of the other reasons for John’s pre-existing trust issues, as of before he even met Sherlock. All we know is that he wasn’t at all close to his parents, as they weren’t at his wedding and appear not to have been in the picture enough for him to have contacted them after his return from a literal war zone, that his own sister didn’t even bother showing up for his wedding, and then add in PTSD on top of it. He also had a superior officer that he’d looked up to (at the very least) and who had just as clearly let him down after his own disgrace, so cancel out another potential father/authority figure there, too. Now add that: 

his best friend commits suicide in front of him. He didn’t know that Sherlock had been blackmailed into doing it, that it saved his life, that he had to be kept in the dark for his own safety, that Sherlock, for all of his facetious façade, didn’t want to do that to him (I mean, he cried at the time!), but for John, that’s what the experience was: he was forced to watch someone he cared about intensely commit suicide and die before his very eyes, then find out two years later that he’d been alive the whole time and hadn’t thought to let him know until then. Of course he’d have been angry, and justifiably so. I would also argue that this wasn’t in any way Sherlock’s fault - but John’s feelings about it are still totally valid. 

his wife lies to him about absolutely everything from her name on up. She dies without him ever learning her real name - because you can bet that she wouldn’t have used her legal, actual name for anything she did as a part of the AGRA team, that’s for damned sure!! 

he obviously went back to her out of a sense of duty, maybe to his marriage vows, almost certainly because of his kid, and I say obviously here because he just as obviously wasn’t happy. John is someone who values loyalty, or else trust wouldn’t even be a thing for him. Trust and loyalty go hand-in-hand, and here’s John Watson, of all people, contemplating starting an affair! That’s how bad things had gotten for him. He wouldn’t have done anything of the sort had he been emotionally healthy and in a good position, which he wasn’t. No one was paying him any attention - Sherlock was obsessed with figuring out the “Moriarty” thing, Mary was busy taking John’s place when she wasn’t literally running away, and there’s John, stuck at home and hating his life choices and desperate to break out in any way. It hurt to watch it. :/

he knew that Mary would run when Sherlock offered to help her. That’s canon: it was his idea to put the tracker on the USB key. That’s how little he trusted her by that point. And his lack of trust in her was proven to be spot-on: she attacked Sherlock (again) and ran. 

then Mary dies right after he’s told her straight to her face that he used to like her, which means he doesn’t anymore.

So: guilt. Massive guilt. It’s ugly, but what he did was go “I can’t handle this no no no no no” and shoved it onto Sherlock instead, because people do stuff like this around death: find someone to blame. If he hadn’t put it onto Sherlock, it would have meant having to face how he’d behaved toward Mary (almost cheated on her, told her he didn’t even like her anymore) and how much of a failure that marriage turned out to be, which gives a lot of people a sense of personal failure, too, and by this point John just couldn’t deal anymore. So he chose the most convenient scapegoat and it just happened to be Sherlock, who had made a vow that Vivian Norbury and Mary Morstan prevented him from being able to keep. It wasn’t his fault and John knew it right then. He just couldn’t deal. He’s never been good at processing his feelings (British, male, soldier, repressed sexuality... great combo!) and this was a crisis. It was an ugly way to behave, but pretty understandable, I think. 

By the end of TLD, he’d improved a little bit, and yet he was still contorting things bizarrely. The “Mary” he was seeing was nothing like her actual self. He was trying to colour his memories of her backwards, making her better than she had been. People do that in their grief, because accepting the dead person’s faults hurts, too. He even gave her credit for his own cleverness, in figuring Sherlock out. Even his own version of Mary - aka himself - tells John that he’s talking to himself. He knows he is. He surely also knew that everything he said about Mary at the end of TLD was actually true of Sherlock, not of Mary. Sherlock is the person who’s always thought that the sun shone out of John’s ass and face and everywhere else, that he’s the best and bravest and kindest and all of that - when John demonstrably isn’t - he can be, but he definitely isn’t all of those things all of the time! But it’s Sherlock who’s always brought those things out in him, given him opportunities to be a hero, be better than he is, and it’s always been Sherlock who believed all of that about him.

Mary questioned him, second-guessed him, flatly contradicted him. She didn’t build him up and she certainly didn’t think of him in those superlative terms that Sherlock does. John surely knows that, somewhere on the same level that he knew that Sherlock had nothing to do with Mary’s death. But he’s not ready to acknowledge it just yet. John has deep-running emotional problems and needs shit tons of therapy, far more than anyone else on the show. He’s not a bad person, but he made some really ugly decisions in his pain and his lack of knowledge of how to deal with what he was feeling and experiencing. It’s painful, and poor Sherlock took the brunt of it - quite willingly, unfortunately. That’s another whole discussion (we need to have a self-care chat, Sherlock!!), but I still stand by my position that these two damaged, dysfunctional people can fit together uniquely well, that their dysfunction can be healed in one another, that they make each other better versions of themselves. Series 4 showed them at their lowest and least functional, though. They were at their most miserable when they were at their most separate. 

That’s probably a longer answer than you wanted, but it’s a damned good question and warranted a proper response! 

[ofcloudsandstars]

I've surpassed a quarter of a century living here. It felt like an eternity, like I've lived several lives already. I know around each quarter of a century saturn will return to the same place it was when you were born but saturn hasn't made it's return for me just yet.

To be honest almost every year my birthday depresses me. I have been having existential crises since I was 7 years old. I remember one night I was in bed with my mom staring at some old victorian wallpaper and having a moment of awareness that was outside of who I was. I asked her "Why am I here? Why was I born in this time? And also in this place and country when I could have been born to any parents in any place on this earth. Why do I exist?" I could imagine from her perspective to have your child ask you this at 10pm is like overwhelming but that thought and emotion never left me for 19 years.

I never asked to be here.

I often feel like wherever I came from I miss it a lot. I feel like there was some kind of mistake and that I've fallen from some other existence that was nicer and now I am on this dying planet constricted by time and decay with creatures that only care about consuming everything they can. There is so much potential here and so much to be given but it's been spoiled over time, claimed by violence and anyone who tried to change it would get assassinated.

I remember when I was in nursery school (I still have so many vivid childhood memories) and I was graduating with my class into pre-K and we had to do an assembly where we told middle schoolers what we aspired to be when we grew up and I remembered my answer was Jesus and I probably remembered this so vividly cause my teacher had an Episode about it. Like: You can't say that!! Do you know what you said?? Like she wanted me to understand the gravity of my statement but I didn't understand why it was so shocking. I am Obviously not christian, haha if you know me you know that, but as a child I understood that someone like Jesus was selfless and cared about people even if they were outcasted and unloved and cared about fixing the corruption of the government and he was killed for it. I didn't understand much of christianity as a child and I HATED going to church but even when I was 6 I knew what it meant to be selfless and to give unconditional love because sometimes doing acts of kindness can inspire others to heighten their awareness yet I lost respect for religion when I was a teen cause I saw how prophets' simple messages of being thoughtful were weaponized cause nothing on this plane can ever stay uncorrupted for power. Anyway I said I wanted to be a motorcyclist. I mean as a 5 year old I just said it as 'motorcycle guy' and the teacher thought that was good enough. I still think motorcycles are cool haha.

It wasn't until I was an adolescent that I was hyper aware of death in every way. It was the worst time of my life. Everything idealistic I felt about this world was wiped away and I became aware of the realities of racism, sexism, everything -ism that made me feel like I wasn't allowed to enjoy anything. I could go on and on about the effects of racism and sexism and how my gender and sexuality felt like a prison and how once again I never decided on any of these things but it felt like I was out of place and on top of that there were consequences for being out of place. As a girl especially finding a guy to love you was something they brainwash in you early and if you couldn't you wouldn't have value. As a girl, you always looked externally for people to validate you with their love cause you weren't allowed to love yourself. Living in a body that wasn't the right race, gender and sexuality made me feel hopeless and full of hate and that I would never be accepted. I was suicidal and I felt like it wouldn't make a difference if I ended myself then or waited cause I wasn't living life anyway and I knew some inevitable death was coming. Like a huge storm in the horizon. It was the time of my life reoccuring dreams of the apocalypse were coming. Night after night I would have dreams running around in cities avoiding mobs while heat waves burned everything or tsunamis came or some plague effected millions creating some zombie like reality. I never enjoyed being a teenager and it lead into my young adult life. I always wanted to go out and be carefree, do stupid things, get drunk, have a young love and not worry about the world yet there was always some constraint like strict parents or not being the ideal woman to 'deserve' these things and I felt like I was wasting the one part of my life I could enjoy before the global darkness arrived.

I always felt like I was born at the end of something. Even when I finally had the chance to go out people would tell stories about how great certain places to go out where or places to experience, or urban cultures that could be found in some areas but they 'no longer exist'. 'People don't do that anymore'. "It used to be wild but now it's strict". "The place was torn down for condos". "It got commercialized and tickets are expensive, but the culture isn't even there so it's not worth it". Nothing lasts forever and neither did my adolescence. It was the one time I tried to give what this society have to offer a chance and I accept it wasn't meant for me. I was born in the wrong time when everything was ending.

And though this world has given me constaint restraints I still am trying to make the most of this existence. I've accepted that we live in some kind of hell and it's inevitable for suffering to end. People could give messages of compassion and it would be weaponized to control others or commercialized to sell overharvested crystals and herbs in huge businesses. To live we have to eat other living sentient beings cause that's how energy is transferred unless you are a plant that can do photosynthesis but they can still suck water and minerals from their neighbors for their needs. There is no balance here. I find living exhausting. I still don't know how I got here.

I did ask my mom a year or so ago on my birthday why she had me. She just said 'it was the thing to do'. So I am alive cause it was a thing people do, just have children I guess. I wonder if I am just a product of my body like am I a conscious being because of the energy generated in this sack of flesh or do I also have some element of me that came from a world beyond this one. If I am just a physical being then why do I constantly feel out of place for nearly two decades. I could describe it as a kind of dysphoria for my being, like I don't feel like I am a woman but I definitely don't feel like I was meant to be a human being and that there was a mistake.

I know that time can reveal some truths and I always dream about using my suffering to create some kind of balance here. Maybe it was a good thing that I feel I would never find love so I wouldn't get confined to some relationship where a boy would dictate my life. I stopped caring about being validated by others and I tried to focus on validating myself. It was probably a good thing that I was shut at home and unable to go out because what is conventially seen as a good time is self destructive and I shouldn't be trying to escape reality. Maybe just maybe it is a good thing that I was born into a world that will meet it's end soon because I am already unattached to my life here but maybe I should use my energy to be selfless like the people I looked up to when I was a child and try to bring positive change even if it means being assassinated cause I would either die by the hands of corrupted forces or by mother nature and it's better to try then to wait around to die because that's another form of suffering and being confined.

---

For years I wanted to be an architect and urban planner. If we want to back track after I got shamed for wanting to be jesus at around 8 I was obsessed with being an astronaut. I wanted to see if I could explore other worlds out there and find something beyond earth that was a place that was full of adventure and escape. After learning how literally everything up there can kill you and that it required math I was into robotics in my early teens. I thought creating a reflection of sentient life was amazing and could open up doors to how we understood ourselves but I literally had teachers in my middleschool repeat how it was difficult for women to succeed in science and it was hard and Everything in life was hard for me then and I just wanted to conform and please others so I dropped it and didn't really care about my future until the middle of highschool where they pressure you to start thinking about it to apply for college. I think what made me want to be an urban planner was that my escape was day dreaming and it was in late middleschool I would day dream about my ideal society that resembled absolutely nothing close to this one. I knew it was far fetched so I just pursued something I knew I was good at doing since I did it in my spare time which was game design. It was really an excuse and something fun to study to appease everyone that I was in college so I wouldn't kill myself studying some other boring garbage but it was also a cop out since I was too afraid to pursue urban planning since it's intensely political and I felt like I could never go far. Instead now I am a bartender, another skill I find enjoyable in my free time that's now killing me as a job that I absolutely hate. I am about to go into reception which I know will be worse but it will just pay bills.

I think this year after 25 years of just 'living' I should try to pursue what I care about. I am now in a place where education is cheaper and they care about society and the environment so it could be feasible and less of a risk then in the US where I could end up hundreds of thousands in debt for chasing a dream. I have met so many amazing people that made me feel less alone and have the same drive and passions as me and maybe we can learn and build together. Even if my life feels like some kind of accident or something that was done to consolidate a marriage it doesn't have to be wasted. I still am not a fan of being here but I am happy to say that my 26th birthday was the first after YEARS that I have not woken up depressed and I think it's because its a shift for me and maybe finally I won't be constrained.

[optimisticcritique]

Gotham Review - 4x21

I delayed this review a bit due to stressing and tweeting over season 5. Now I can edit this review properly :) Congrats Gothamites!  

An episode starting off with Lucius and Harvey scenes? Already a good episode. 

“Listen, Jim found his way out, understand?” I love how confident Harvey is in Jim’s survival. Either that or denial because he loves his best friend so much. 

On second thought, he probably knows that Jim’s plot armor shall be his salvation!

Oof all those cops talking smack to Harvey over the Pyg fiasco. Now is not the time to be questioning his authority, people. Don’t let them get to you, Harvey! 

Thank you, Harper. I have always loved you. Please don’t ever be cannon fodder. 

Oh, I completely forgot that no one knows about Jeremiah being evil yet. All they know is about Jerome followers and Bruce/Jeremiah possibly being in danger. 

Snazzy clothes Jeremiah! 

Yeah, he does not like being compared to his brother. Always insulting Jerome any time that someone mentions him. 

An evacuation huh? Hmm...

Huh. I kind of expected a bit of a more emotional response from Babs and possibly Oswald over Jim dying. I think Oswald is masking his pain with a styling wardrobe and money.

“or woman power, if you will” Awe look at Ozzie all for woman power lol

Using Butch’s “condition” to get what you want, Oswald? I see what you’re doing. 

Tabby giving her girlfriend puppy dog eyes to get what she wants. How can you say no to that, Babs?

Oswald’s expressions always get to me XD

They saved your life from Jerome, mayor. It’s best just to roll with it and do what they say.

Great. Now Bruce will be blaming himself for Jeremiah and the whole city destruction because of Wayne Enterprises funding it. As if he needed more things to blame himself for. 

Yeah, Jim would probably nag at Bruce to stay away, only for Bruce to not listen anyway. So, even with Harvey in charge, Bruce is right on track :P

The first thing you say on the phone is that you hope he didn’t catch a cold? As if that is his first concern when you are answering Alfred’s phone lol

You are going to prove you're his best friend by driving him insane, killing his butler, and destroying the city? Here’s a thought: buy him a card or dinner instead! 

Lee and Jim interacting once again. Well, that was quick. Always awkward when you keep running into your ex.

Oh! Of course, it would be because of Ed that Jim is alive. Ha! Wonder if he will regret that decision later on.

“Bruce, I am going to be here whenever you need me” Awww that’s so sweet.

 If she wasn’t such an important character, I’d almost think it’s a death foreshadowing.

Ed with the doubting and jealousy. Come on, you knew she was using you. Why are you still on this? 

Okay, I love the idea of Ed helping to solve Jeremiah’s plans...but this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. 

I love seeing Lucius and Harvey working together to save the day. We don’t see enough of their scenes. 

“Lucius, English please” I feel like I hear the “English please” in every show that has to do with technology or science these days :P

Part of me doesn’t believe Jeremiah envies Bruce going through his “one bad day” but another part of me wouldn’t be surprised if he truly does.

No, don’t kill Alfred! That won’t make things better!

I don’t say it enough but great acting with Cameron. I never once ever see Jerome or Jeremiah as “oh that’s just Cameron”. I automatically see them as two separate characters with two separate personalities. Fantastic acting! Why is this cast so gifted? 

Oh my gosh...all of these characters. In the same room. Together. I love it. 

Oswald twirling that trigger is just fabulous. 

Money? Wait, all you want is money? You are all okay with the city being blown to bits? Even Oswald? 

I really hope they are expecting the unexpected here. Babs is right “is that it?” You shouldn’t underestimate. It’s a trap!

Yeah, I wouldn’t have let him walk away if I were you...

Oh okay! So they do want to help save Gotham. Good to know.  

Gee Oswald, say it louder why don’t you...

Plan #2 is a bazooka? Well, now I’m intrigued with a plan #3. 

You know, the more you insist you aren’t insane, the more people suspect you are insane. 

“No! You promised the city 6 hours!” I got to say, I love how Babs has been written and shown these past few episodes. She just seems like she is given so much more depth. I also love that all of the villains are bad but have their own levels/rules of bad. Destroying a city and thousands of people is just too extreme for them.

Jeremiah is one fast runner. Did he ever run track in school?

Scarecrow! I really want to know how he got Jonathan involved with this. Was it the whole “you knew my brother” thing? Or Jonathan just felt like it? 

Ed seems to be the only person so far that doesn’t care if the city turns to rubble. Given his past comments, it doesn’t really surprise me. At the same time, does he not care to save even his friend “through thick and thin”? 

“I’m with Lee now” Oh here we go...

Ugh I’m sorry. I can’t with these scenes. It’s just so cringy. 

I like that Jim uses the word “validate”. It’s such a good word to use for Ed. 

Exactly! No one truly knows Lee the way that they think they do. 

“Oh Jim, she’s with me in every way...” I didn’t need to know this. Somehow, I don’t know if I believe that. But honestly, this is Ed. He could just mean “every way” as “I teach her how to riddle” 

Wow...this whole “ten times the killer” thing. I mean, Jim was a soldier and he has shot a lot of criminals in the past seasons but like...his motives were still somewhat different. I can’t tell if he is just agreeing to the killer thing because he feels guilty about all the deaths that were because of him (more likely) or there was a part of him that knew that him agreeing to Ed’s words was the only way for Ed to finally help him.  

I love when Ed is solving puzzles and being smart, showing off his knowledge. 

“Ed, wait, there’s one thing I can’t figure out” No! Ugh, Ed! Don’t be this stupid. You should be smarter than this! “One? Being a little kind to yourself...” Okay, that helped a little lol He just had to slide a comment like that in there. 

“HARVEY!” It just wouldn’t be a Gotham episode without Oswald yelling. Or dressing amazingly. Or giving expressions that are moods. 

Harvey’s relief to see Jim alive and then the hug. So nice :)

Harvey: we just need to know the locations. Jim: *walks in* I know the locations. Me: Could that be any more conveniently timed? 

Selina and Scarecrow! Interacting! Sweet. 

Foxy being all helpful :) He’s getting some nice screen time this episode.

Oh, this is all toxin then. Is he really even seeing what he thinks he’s seeing?

Oh my gosh...the cutting of the smile. This has to be the toxin, right? This can’t actually be Alfred. 

Selina finding a man in the closet? Must be Alfred. I thought Jeremiah asked them to kill him? 

Selina helping Bruce through it and getting his attention. So intense.

The looks shared between Bruce and Alfred. He’s so relieved! ...What? No hug!? Missed opportunity. Harvey took the hug quota in the episode I guess? Eh, he deserved them though.  

“Lucius, they’re identical...” Harvey’s shaken and upset voice :(

Ooh Jim being savage. 

Eeny meeny...? Really Harvey? lol

YES! HARVEY DID IT! A hero right there. He looks so happy. 

Another failed trigger. Gotham just never wants triggers to work well.

Oh, Jeremiah is pissed. Very intimidating. 

Haha he ran so fast out of there.

I admire that he has so many back up plans. Thinking ahead. 

*burns his followers* “Hmm...well, that’s disappointing” lol

Wait, is that all of your followers? What happened to Ecco?

“Ever since we teamed up, everything has gone to crap” True but it isn’t the finale yet. Oswald tends to get back on top at that point. 

Yeah, I definitely think Oswald hasn’t been forthcoming with this Strange stuff. I sense many ulterior motives. 

Man, I just noticed that Oswald, Ed, and Jeremiah are all being outsmarted and foiled from their plans today. Just can’t catch a break to blackmail or murder. 

Yup, it was also Ed that did that :) When are Jeremiah and Ed going to share a scene, huh? 

Ra’s! I had a hunch. 

“you’re behind me, aren’t you?” So, Jeremiah is familiar with tropes and “scary” movies, I see? 

Jeremiah: no thanks. Ra’s: *mentions Bruce* Jeremiah: Okay! Let’s do this! What are we waiting for? *is already running out the door because it’s apparently his favorite sport*

Ed is going to be creeping and listening-yup. It figures.

Why am I not surprised that Ed is listening to all this? Yeah, I predict he is going to go after Lee, Jim, or both of them now...and fail at it because of plot. Oh, this is not going to end well. 

Okay, this is conflicting. On one hand, I find this whole thing aggravating. I hate that Ed is always involved with love storylines and seemingly acting dumb because of it. I hate that Lee fell into that too. At the same time, in terms of his behavior in this episode, this is such an Ed thing to do in a way. He is insecure and seeks validation. That really fits his character. His paranoia is also understandable. He’s always been that way and made stupid decisions because of it. Like when he was paranoid that Jim was onto his murder of Kristen in S2 and blew it all for himself. So, that part of the storyline actually makes sense, which is why I can see him ruining everything next episode because of that paranoia. At this point, I just hope it gets resolved quickly. 

Awwww! Everyone applauding Harvey! Giving him the appreciation he deserves! I love this so much! It’s about time! 

Lucius and the GCPD joking with him lol

Aww another Harvey hug in an episode. That hug! So touching! I love it!

Are they gonna-yes! They actually kissed this time! 

Well, at least one ship is happy. *Jeremiah shoots Selina* You just can’t let people be happy for more than a few seconds? Can you Gotham? 

Bruce, your security system sucks. If you even have one.

Selina! No! I know you won’t die but still! 

Hey, is that a new hat? Okay, how can Jeremiah have two new hats in one episode and Ed have his bowler hat yet Oswald gets nothing but a hallucination? A travesty. Jeremiah does pull them off though.

I hope Jeremiah gives Oswald his second hat as a way to broker a peace or something. Or Oswald just steals it after firing his machine gun at him, not being able to kill Jeremiah though. 

Jeremiah doesn’t even care that he’s getting beaten up. He’s just like “whatever. I expected this” 

So much silence of sound. The intensity... poor Selina. Poor Bruce, having to deal with another loved one shot in front of him. 

This was seriously the plan? Walk in, shoot Selina, get beat up? Does Ra’s want her hurt so that he can leverage some Lazarus water or something? How does Jeremiah getting arrested fall under this? 

Overall: Great episode. Many of the characters dealing with the same threat, which I love. Everyone banding together against Jeremiah, who I am very much enjoying thus far. I loved seeing the team-ups and interactions. Different changes of pace. Oswald and Butch/Grundy team up with Babs and Tabs to take down Jeremiah. It fails. They decide to go find/threaten Strange to help Grundy. Ed and Jim have a Lee conversation, Ed helps decipher Jeremiah’s plans and then gets knocked out by Jim. Trouble brews with Ed/Lee/Jim. Lucius teams up with Harvey to stop the explosions. Harvey disables it. The GCPD celebrate him. Jeremiah tries to drive Bruce crazy. It fails. Jeremiah burns all his followers. Jeremiah teams up with Ra’s. Bruce and Selina save Alfred. They kiss. Jeremiah shoots Selina in the gut and Alfred starts beating him up. 

Previous Review: 4x20   Next: 4x22

[booksaremyoxygenn]

Mosquitoland: Book Review and Best Quotes

Rating: 4

SPOILERS: 

Another beautiful coming of age story. There were cute parts like when she met the old woman, Arlene, on the bus and the crazy parts like when she ran from Caleb, Shadow Kid, and ended up on the roof with the Karate Kid. (My love for Albert and his whole essence as a character is overflowing.) That was lots of fun. Then there was some intense parts like when she has to puke in that man’s mouth so that he would stop trying to kiss her and potentially rape her. Most of all I appreciated Beck and Walt and the family they created. I was really sad when they left at the end so she could grow up and I just wish there was no goodbye even though I understand the need for a liquid goodbye. (It also made it more realistic, which I appreciated.)

I liked the reveal that all the letters were to her little sister that she didn’t originally want. I also love the war paint / lipstick, I have one like that too that when I put it on makes me feel invincible. I think that should be a staple for all women, to own something that you can put on at anytime and feel stronger.

I really appreciated that the author put in the scene in on 195 where Mim realizes that if she would have spoken up about Poncho Man sexually coming after her in the girl’s bathroom that she could have saved the hispanic girl from having to go through the same thing. I will not pretend to know what it’s like to be in the shoes of someone who has been sexually assaulted in that way BUT I think in any form of bullying or related topic it highlights why it is important to speak out. I loved how realistic this was whole story was and relatable. Beck is much older than Mim and they fell in love anyway, a message of how love knows no age. However, if Beck is available anytime soon I’m only 1 year younger.... just saying. Haha I love his character so much. 

Quotes: 

“A thing’s not a thing until you say it out loud.” (3)

“Every great character, Iz, be it on page or screen, is multidimensional. The good guys aren’t all good, the bad guys aren’t all bad, and any character wholly one or the other shouldn’t exist at all. Remember this when I describe the antics that follow, for though I am not a villain, I am not immune to villainy.” (p6)

“I loved it when she was like that, all young and fun and eager to keep being young and fun, and it didn’t matter what happened the day before or the day after, all that mattered was the Young Fun Now. Such a rare thing.” (15)

“I think my dad is a good man who has succumbed to the madness of the world. . . “So many do, my dear. So many do.” (23)

“I’ve developed a theory I like to call the Pain Principle. The gist of it is this: pain makes people who they are.” (43)

“And neither enormity nor shit-stank could be found in a pancake breakfast. Pain is what matters. Not just fast cars or big words or fabulous stories in exotic settings. . . I guess what I’m saying is, I’ve learned to accept my pain as a friend, whatever form it takes. Because I know it’s the only thing between me and the most pitiful of all species - the Generics.” (44)

“I wish wishing were enough, but it’s not. Sometimes you need a thing.” (49)

“Even Picasso used a little rouge.” (57)

“The girl who took matters into her own hands, figuratively, literally, fucking finally.” (71)

“Because life is rarely what you imagined it would be.” (85)

“Help is help to anyone, Mary. Even if they don’t know they’re asking for it.” (95)

“Have a vision, Mary, unclouded by fear.” (100)

“When you were born, you cried while the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries while you rejoice.” (101)

“In a moment of heavenly revelation, it occurs to me that detours are not without purpose. They provide safe passage to a destination, avoiding pitfalls in the process. Floating in this lake with Walt is most certainly a detour. And maybe I’ll never know the pitfalls I’ve avoided, but I can say this with certainty: a sincere soul is damn near impossible to find.” (131)

* (After Iz sneaks out and comes home to find her parents didn’t notice.) * “No one was awake. No one was mad. No one cared. My God, Iz . . . I hope you don’t know what that feels like.” (142)

“I didn’t know her all that well, not really. I didn’t know her favorite color or movie, or what kind of music she liked, or if she prefered lakes to oceans. I didn’t even know her last name. But maybe those aren’t the things that channel love. Maybe the true conduit is more elusive than that.” (165)

“I had people. Who love me. People who cheated to lose. There’s really something to this, Iz, something that separates me from Shadow Kid. And I think this is what makes the storm pass.” (174)

“I want so badly for him to be real, to be good, to be a person of major fucking substance and despair.” (190) 

“Opening scenes are funny, because you never know which elements will change over time and which will stay the same. The world was, and is, mad.” (191)

“Life can be a real son of a bitch sometimes, bringing things back around long after you’ve said goodbye.” (196)

“And I cry. I cry thinking about the Rickys and Walts of the world, smiling in the face of all those Ty Zarnstorffs. I cry because I’ve never smiled like that, not once in my life. I cry because I love. For some reason, I always have.” (197)

“Frayed, worn, stringy, faded . . . It’s all just proof of a life lived well.” (211)

“I guess I just think life is more mysterious than death.” (228)

“You spend your life roaming the hillsides, scouring the four corners of the earth, searching desperately for just one person to fucking get you. ANd I’m thinking if you can find that, you’ve found home.” (250)

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be, like, a solid good-bye, you know?” “As opposed to a liquid one?” “Yes, actually. I much prefer liquid good-byes to solid ones.” (250)

“I’m done roaming hillsides. I’ve scoured the corners of the earth. And I’ve found my people.” (251)

“You ever have the feeling you lost something important, only to discover it was never there to begin with?” (258) 

“I play the What If? game all the time. But it’s rigged, is the thing. Impossible to win. Asking What If? can only lead to Maybe Things Could Have Been Different, via Was It My Fault?” (259)

“Sure, I’d love to kiss-hug-marry-hold Beck, but for now, I’m happy just to be with him. Sometimes being with gets overlooked I think.” (260)

“I swear, the older I get, the more I value bad examples over good ones. It’s a good thing, too, because most people are egotistical, neurotic, self absorbed peons, insistent on wearing near-sighted glasses in a far-sighted world.” (264)

“Life, it seems, delivers the best punch lines only after we’ve forgotten we were part of a joke.” (276) 

“Beck is teaching me how to be a better person, and when you find someone who inspires you like that, you hold on for dear life.” (283)

“And I think of all the times I thought I wasn’t okay, and all the times maybe I could have been, if I’d had Beck Van Buren around to tell me otherwise.” (311)

“Home is hard. . . It’s more than a storage unit for your life and its collections. It’s more than an address, or even the house you grew up in. People say home is where the heart is, but I think maybe home is the heart. Not a place or a time, but an organ pumping life into my life. There may be more mosquitos and stepmothers than I imagined, but it’s still my heart. My home.” (322) 

“Because even though honesty is hard, you really have to murder people with it if you expect to be a person of any value at all.” (323) 

“I was lovely once, but he never loved me once.” (326)

“Did God mess up?” I asked “Nope,” said Bubbly Skinned Man, smiling like a fool. “He just got bored.” (327)

“Maybe there is some black and white, though. In our choices. In my choices.” (340)

[lolana07]

Fear 3x13

I don’t know where to start on this episode there is just too much to say so apologies in advance for jumping all over the place but AHHH this has to be the best of the series so far. I’ve read multiple reviews online saying how this episode balances the zombies vs human aspects of the show and dammit! It does that so damn perfectly I can’t even I don’t know where to start! Okay, deep breath, here we go:

I’m going to get my more negative thoughts go first, so without further ado, WHAT THE ACTUAL FFFFRACK NICK AND MADISON! Half of me is so $%@#@%# happy Alicia is not with her mother anymore, the other half is like, Madison that’s your daughter. We all know you prioritized Nick over her, but seriously? You just, what gave her a hug and some provisions and just? Waved bye? And then fought Nick? Are you @#$#$%$@?!!? Okay I do have to say, thank goodness, she got to the bunker when she did…but that’s about it.

And Nick. Nick I hope you and ThatGuy pull a Thelma and Louise by seasons end. First you joke and tease your sister about Jake saying someone’s gotta protect him, then you cause his death (Don’t Even Come At Me!) and then you lie to her face about it to cover for ThatGuy? Go Float Yourself! And now you’re going to tail Alicia to make sure she’s safe? With ThatGuy?! Oh hellll no!

Anywho, on to more exciting thoughts :)

I sadly had very low expectations for this episode because I though Disaster Madison and Co. were only minutes away from the ranch and were going to devise some crazy plan to ‘save’ the ranchers along with He Who Must Not Be Named and Nick. So the first maybe 10 minutes I semi glossed by thinking Madison was going to burst in and bring along pandemonium. Then when Alicia mentioned less people more air, I completely forgot about everything outside the bunker and air vent, and the episode went to deliver amazingness is spades.

On talking dead they mentioned Alicia pulling out some AP Biology math skills and wow without a graphing calculator? Daaamn!!! But when she said fewer people less carbon dioxide, Ofelia’s face of recognition was on point. I just can’t even, but making that suggestion knowing that a guy in the ‘room/circle’ was bitten? I don’t know if Alicia really knew what she was getting into, not really. I’m not sure I really knew what she was getting into, that’s how enthralled? I was during my first watch. Up until the first..sacrifice? She was compartmentalizing the entire ordeal. Confidently asking people to come forward, clear voice eye contact, everything. Maybe it was shock from the past few hours outside, idk.

Ofelia said it last time as they walkers were flooding past the trailers, that the ranchers now listen to Alicia, and they will follow her. This episode completely cemented this, and then brutally ripped it away without mercy, and it was gorgeous. One of her first scenes is handing out water and putting her own panic on the backburner, and looking at the larger picture.

There are multiple references to other shows that could be made, but having seen the ‘come forward’ scene in the previews, I thought there was going to be a riot and someone was going to die and through the riot, they reanimated and that’s how the zombies got in. But noooooope! I shouldn’t have been surprised, but due to my low expectations for the episode still lingering….then the ranchers started giving themselves up, and dammit that’s probably when I started getting emotional. That one Nation man who stood up with that look of I don’t even know on his face? How can you not get emotional over that expression? But then later onnn, ughhh!

Ofelia and Alicia’s hug bye and then Ofelia glancing behind, ahh! That got me too! Last episode was bad enough, thinking all three weren’t going to make it, but now thinking that again? I’ve said it before but I am loving these two working together these past few episodes, and I’m so upset they are separated, so upset. The fangirl in my wishes Ofelia was able to go with her but oh well.

I understand why the bunker may have medicine, but why so much morphine? Morphine is Intense, so what was it doing in there? Such you may need some, but boxes of it? And what is Christine doing with the bitten? If she was doomed from the start, she would have been done by the time the air started knocking them out..? This whole morphine scene was gorgeous in the most dark and impossible ways. Yes a main character is leading the scene, but for me it was the extras, or the background characters who just hit this scene out of the park. Their reactions and faces and trying to give themselves a way out….damn! Just wow, Alycia took a backseat in this one, and it was perfect.

This is also where the episode gets harder to talk about because part of me tries to think, what if that were me? In either position? Would I be selfless enough to give myself up? Would I be able to let a loved one go who was bitten? Would I be okay knowing what would happen to me? Would I be able to do what Alicia did?

I do wonder why Christine didn’t help Alicia actually…do it. She gave her a pep talk (which oddly was like Madison saying Alicia you’re always the strong one), gave her knife back, and .. until later, that’s it. Their talk though was perfection. She made up for her Madison-esque pep talk tenfold and told Alicia to never make decisions based on fear, and damn I need to come back to this character/discussion again later! Both ladies delivered their lines perfectly, the lady who played Christine almost stole the spotlight from Alycia, and Alicia telling her story about camp and Nick and the song, and then the song coming back later….I may not hear that song the same way again. And not just bc its real-world contexts. But WOW speaking of acting! I mean this entire episode the acting I just can’t even, you can tell everyone put in their 200% on this, and it shows in every sequence in that bunker and air vent. Like I said Christine almost stole the scene, and the background characters just sold the dire situation and sold the emotion. If any of them had given less than they had, I think the episode would have failed. But it was perfect. Alycia’s this land is your land camp monologue was gorgeous and heartbreaking and just encompassed everything that character I built on. I hope she gets recognition for this one. Its amazing.

Question: When Alicia took care of the first guy, from the beginning who she noticed was bitten, and helped her through it all, he kept saying he was sorry for everything he had done. And I don’t know what he is referring to. I thought he was new to this episode, what am I forgetting? Was he one of Troy’s?

Ofelia Interlude:

I completely forgot Ofelia and Crazy Dog were in the vents. Completely. I also thought in the preview/trailer, Crazy Dog was being attacked, so I thought he was done before the episode even started. And just another surprise was this really touching and raw moment between him and Ofelia, who we have seen work together and then I thought they were going to die last episode and just sdfsdfsdfsf I can’t!

It’s All Downhill From Here:

I will say, as many have, one of the episodes few flaws is that Alicia, out all Everyone in the bunker, was the only person to survive. . . . . . .  . . .. ??? What? No even one more? ……….. What?

Other than that, the rest of the bunker balances the human aspect of the show with the zombie aspect perfectly. I was so engrossed in the acting and story that it never occurred to me what it meant if someone died because of lack of air while in the bunker. I guess I forgot that the ‘disease’ is airborne, so I didn’t even think about the suffocated reanimating, because I was like, oh no air then you can’t move obviously….. Until Alicia woke up that second time and I remembered zombies don’t need air.

Okay this is reaching, but part of Alicia’s second awakening reminded me of Rose on the door in titanic…I know that’s bonkers but something about her singing the song and the fuzziness of the first few seconds just had me for a sec. Then the zombie rancher woke up! The scene of Alicia knocked out and the zombies getting up though!!!! Very chilling!

Ofelia Interlude No. 2:

Okay I’m a broken record but I thought they were going to die again and part of me ughh wishes one of them did! I am glad that they showed Ofelia being affected by the gunshot close to her ear though.

While it was greatttt seeing Alicia fight off the zombies and get Christine into the locker, it’s also heartbreaking because literally all her hard work of protecting the ranch and trying to find water and merge the groups together and killing the bitten to save air for the others to live was completely worthless in the end. She’s taking out everyone she fought so hard to save, and she couldn’t even save Christine in the end. I like how Jake teaching her about arming up helped her here, so it wasn’t unbelievable that she was able to shoot them down. I also have to hand it to the music dept here too, it’s just greattt. Then Madison shows up.

And that’s where the episode ends!!! (Actually no Ofelia finding out about Daniel, @%#$%#%$!!!) Haha, ugh. I was posting as I watched and I was so amazed by this episode I prematurely was like it can do no wrong it’s amazing I love it! And it’s at this part of the review you can go up top and see what it thought of the last few minutes.

 Thanks for reading!! Next week looks great but I won’t get my hopes too far up

@zombiechels @thedoctor-smith @3coffeecups @viguaquis @adistantstarblog 

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 16} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^ 

Anonymous said: I FORGOT IT WAS TUESDAY AHHH!!! can't wait for the next chapter 😘😘

I hope you enjoyed it!

Anonymous said: I won't stop you is almost here I'm gonna die bitch I'm ready for it

Pls donut die ;c lol I hope you liked the chapter :D

@wang-banana said: EIGHT ON TIME IM SO EXITED

YAY I HOPE YOU LIKED IT!

Anonymous said: PH MY GOD IS HEDE FONALLY I WONT STOP YOU I CANT EVEN THPE

WOOHOO I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKED IT MY DEAR

@succingjimin said: ITS HERE!!! I WONT STOP YOU!!!!!!

It’s hereeeee! lolol thank you babe I hope you enjoyed it :D

Anonymous said: THIRTEEN IS AN UNLUCKY NUMBER

GASP o:

Anonymous said: I just wanted to tell you that I absolutely love I wont stop you. It kind of became a 'safe-place' for me, if i may say so. I've been feeling really empty and down for the past few months, but with this series i have something to look forward to every tuesday and for that i am really grateful! The story, even if its angst (which i like! ...well ;-; as long as it has a happy ending hopefully), lifts my mood and makes me forget some thoughts! Thank you so much for writing it! Have a great day! <3

Oh my goodness ^^ This makes me really happy to hear that it has become a safe place for you to escape the feelings of emptiness. I can empathise with you as I too, have intense feelings of emptiness (but feeling everything so intensely as well - confusing, I know.) I’m so grateful that something I do helps you to look forward to every Tuesday and it can calm you down a little~ I won’t lie; the story will contain a lot of sad/rage parts, but I think the ending may be one that will make you happy c: Thank you my dear and I hope you have a day that is as wonderful as you.

Anonymous said: Oh my god can i just tell you how MUCH i love the subtle fluff here and there!!! I love how JK thought of her as 'my Y/N' i love how lowkey jealous he got when he thought of another mans hands on you body/or parts of your body that belonged only to him. i love how tae and jimin could smell the ~mating~ LOL Even i giggled there! Especially because, well, jk is a fcking dom and i love it! Oh, btw, do you have any idea around how many chapters it will have? or are you just going with the flow? :)

Ahhh thank you so much for loving the ‘my (Y/N)’ bit! When I put that in, it made me feel super, super soft c: I’m a bit like the reader in a sense that sometimes, I feel that overprotective boyfriends and such are kind of lowkey problematic but...sometimes - it makes me feel super smug and happy at the thought? It’s probably an unpopular opinion. I like people being protective over me! lol  THE SMELL OF LOVEEEEE IN THE AIR~ *wink* hehe. And actually, I have NO idea how many chapters there will be! I have an outline for the rest of the story but I usually stop around 5,000 words for each chapter. But there is still a lot to happen, so it won’t be ending any time soon :D Thank you so much for reading!

@semisweetsuga said: Taehyung - a blessing. This story - a blessing. You - a blessing. 16 was so good Sara!!! I loved it!!!!! Love, your gay nerd

You: the biggest blessing on planet earth - end of story, no if’s, and’s or but’s ^^ My gay nerd lmfao I love you v much my dear and I hope you’re doing well (sorry I’m a piece of shit and I never reply on line; I’ve been an anti-social mop recently) Thank you for still liking me even tho I’m a terrible friend :c

@jynxy24 said: Sara, damn you. IWSY came out and I was SCREAMING! Now, Yoongi is going after reader for, whatever reason more than one, I'm pretty sure that this is gonna turn into some sort of love triangle. :D I mean, I hope so. (Smut pls) I'm not perverted, I swear!(Kill me)  But! If yoongi decides to change for reader, I WILL LOVE YOU TO DEATH! Not that I don't, I WILL ALWAYS! Keep staying awesome please, love ya!

Jynxyyyy~~ YOU WANT A VAMP YOONKOOK THREESOME? Damn - rest in peace if that ever happened Cx Hehe I can’t promise that something like that may or may not happen, but I won’t promise it won’t either. Are you confused yet? Good ^.^ muahaha~ I love you too my dear and thank you so much for reading the new chapter!

@moonlighthollow said: Omg the story is getting better and better I'm so hyped😲😍 i wanna read the next part so badly😭😢 but i know you need some time to write it and i fully respect that so no pressure hahah I'll wait😄♥IT'S JUST SO DAMN GOOD 😍

Ahhh I’m so happy that you think that my love! And no haha don’t worry I know you don’t mean it like that, it makes me super hyped that you’re really looking forward to the next part! So don’t worry at all c: Thank you a million times for reading the new part and I hope you’ll look forward to next week’s too!!

Anonymous said: You are such an amazing writer,I love you <3 Thank you so much for the update and posting a new chapter every single week, honestly it makes my Tuesday a whole lot better.I really can't wait for when Jungkook tell Y/N that he's a vampire, I am sure she'll love his regardless :) High key loving those vmin moments, its so cute :D Yoongi though what is he planning?! Can't wait for the next part , thank you again <3

Awhjfsgijwnegw I love you too *hugs* There’s no need to thank me because it’s my pleasure! I really enjoy uploading for all you guys and I will always try my 100% best to upload on time and thankfully I have been able to keep that promise since I began this blog with any series that I’ve written! (Actually, sidenote - when this series ends, I hope to do a small 1-3 chapters on Vmin and how they came to be; just for all of us lovely Vmin shippers out there :3) Thank you very much for reading my series lovely!

@audreymv said: I bet Yoongi wants to turn her. Omg I am so in edge and I am not ready but pleasw let her understand that Jungkook is a good vampire. Gosh Jimin is so cute and how he is just with Tae is just, my heart hurts and just flutters for them and dang Jungkook I PRAY FOR HIM. Literally loving this series

Hello cutie! hehe yes all the adorable Vmin moments~ (tbh, I kind of ship Taehyung with everyone...he’s just too adorable my lil bb aw) I’m super happy that you’re loving the series babe :D Thank you so much for reading the new chapter :D

Anonymous said: Sara these updates need to be longer I'm hungry for more 😛😛😛😛 I can't wait for next Tuesday

Loooonger?! It was 5k words! Hehe~ Thank you for reading and I really hope you enjoy next weeks chapter too my love! :D

Anonymous said: I'm so happy that I finally found a story that leaves me wanting more and makes me look forward to the next chapter! Like, I look forward to Tuesday's now because of IWSY. And the new chapter is amazing as per usual 😊. I am very happy that you write because your writing is ACTUALLY AMAZING!! I love your writing and I love this story!!!! Looking forward to what will happen next!!!❤️❤️ ~Ro

Hey Ro! I’m glad you found a story that leaves you wanting more :D Ahh you’re making me blush so much with all your wonderful words and compliments *hides* Thank you so much, I really don’t deserve such words ^^ You’re amazing and I hope you have a wonderful day my love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ^^

@fashionkilla124 said: I SWEAR ON THE PANTIES IN MY DRESSER, IF IWSY STORY ENDS SAD IM SELLING MY SOUL TO KFC😫😩

I AM LEGITIMATELY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER WHAT THE FUKJNDNGSDNGEG SELL YOUR SOUL TO KFC OH MY FNGKJNDSP I CAN’TBREATHE

Anonymous said: When you thought the dress was finally gonna be revealed BUT IT HASN'T YET OMG I'M GONNA DIE OF SUSPENSE

NEXT CHAPTER I PROMISE YOU OKAY YOU WILL GET A LENGTHY DESCRIPTION :D

Anonymous said: IWSY is so goooooddddd. Like I'm hella shook rn. You're writing is amazing. It's so hard to find a quality fanfic these days. Thank you for blessing us all with these amazing stories. I'll be back next Tuesday ready for some of that good stuff. I love you! ~New Anon, BabyKookie

Hello lil BabyKookie ^^ Ah >< your compliments are so wonderful - I appreciate them so much, thank you babe :) I’m really happy to know that you’re enjoying my series and that you’re looking forward to the future chapters! I love you too and I hope you have an amazing day/night! :D

Anonymous said: Omg what are the jeons gonna think of y/n??? Like if they knew they guk and yn? Would they accept their pure son? Also I love gay tae and jimin. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT JIMIN WAS SAYING THE DRESS CAN WAIT A SEC OMG

I wonder too, indeed! Will the King and Queen of the Eternal Kingdom accept the fact their son - the Prince, has fallen in love with a human? D: I hope so! :c hehe~ Ahhh my Vmin feels recently c: Thank you so much for reading my dear ^^

@kpop-everythings said: I have got wait till next Wednesday now 😫. Fuck you time distance, fuck you to eternity and beyond.

To eternity and beyond hehe awww I’m sorry my love! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you’ll like next weeks parts too! ^^

Anonymous said: Oooooooohhhh what's gonna happen at the ball oml I can't wait for the next part! I have so many questions that I know you won't answer fml I just have to wait week after week but that's ok cuz it's so worth the wait every time. You're such an amazing writer tbh. I love this series so much and I love you ! Also where do you get inspiration from and how did you come up with this story cuz it's just soooooo good I'm ded

You’re damn right I won’t give anything away ;D Hehe thank you so much for reading and I love you too! Way back in March 2016, I had started to plan a Vampire series. But, due to a few reasons, I couldn’t begin it/post it (which I can’t really talk about lol). But - someone sent in a request asking for a VampKook smut around 18 weeks ago. So - I decided to use that opportunity to turn it into a series with all of my hard work creating lore and history and background to a world inside my head! I’m so happy that you like it :3

@cynicalspacehoe said: Okay first of all: OH MY GOD. "I Won't Stop You" is the best fanfiction I've ever read (and I've read many, trust me). I know that what I'm about to say is a little cheesy and may sound exaggerated but... this fic keeps me going. Well, technically you do. Week after week, I'm always longing for a new chapter. It kind of feels like a reward for surviving another week and it really helps. Thank you for writing this amazing story, keep going!

It’s not cheesy ahhh don’t worry - even at that, cheesy is great a lot of the time c: I’m really honoured that you feel my series is a reward for surviving a week - and if that’s what keeps you going for a while, then I am truly humbled and happy to be a part of that reason. Thank you for reading my series and I hope that you have an amazing week my love ^^

@manibbunny said: i loved the new episode! and i'm biting my nails just thinking about what will happen when yoongi shows up at the ball and omfg what will y/n do when he tells her?! will she accept him? or will she run away and never talk to him? i'm hoping it's the first lol *is lowkey thirsty for angst* shhh

Thank you so much babe! I’m so happy you enjoyed it :3 Hmmm will she accept him or run away? What if Yoongi catches her if she runs away? ;O hehe~ I hope you enjoy the future chapters too and thank you once again :3

Anonymous said: So will we be seeing Jungkook busting a move at the ball??? Getting down to some red velvet? Maybe??

Maybe real life Jungkook would :P But not 400 year old Prince of the Eternal Kingdom Jeon Jungkook xD It would be funny tho! hehe~

[tomhollandsmainhoe]

The Perfect Affair (TH)

Chapter 3

Tom's POV

"When are you going to tell Y/N that you're Tom?" Harrison exclaimed.

"When I'm ready!"

"Mate, you've dated her for a while now. She's going to let her parents meet you!"

"Shit that's right."

"Duh. Plus why did you make me Sam? I've been called that so much that I've gotten used to it! I don't know that I'm Haz anymore. Whenever your mom calls for the real Sam, I answer. Fuck, mate. And you could have chosen a different name! Some cool like Tron or something."

"Seriously?"

"Why not? It's cool."

"Whatever. Fuck off Harrison."

Harrison laughed.

Y/N's POV

It's my one year anniversary with Stanley. Oh God, I love him so much and he makes me so happy. He always calls me "little fairy" because I'm 5'2" and he's 5'8" (Sorry if that's not your height. I just wanted to show how Y/N is a "little fairy". You can insert your own nickname if you want.) We decided to take things slowly because we're both young and there's no need to rush anything.

I wish he was here. He's unfortunately working and overseas currently. It's completely understandable when you're in the entertainment industry. I think he said he was a director or something? He’s a fine looking man.

I just finished my freshman year of college. I’ve always wanted to help people as a doctor. I know that this route is difficult because of the years of school and the great amount of stress. But this is all worth it because I am happy whenever people are happy.

"Hey B/M?" I called my best friend from high school. It's been so long since I've talked to her.

"He Y/N! What's up?"

"Everything is good. The workload is intense! Ugh, I need to take a break. But the good thing is that I’m happy."

"That's awesome! Have you found any cute boys?"

"Well that was quick. And the answer is yes."

"OMG! Who?"

"His name is Stanley Frost. He's a director, I think."

"Do you have pictures?"

In my time of dating with Stanley, I didn't even think to take pictures or even selfies. I guess I was too focused on him and our time together that we didn't even take pictures.

"Oh no sorry."

"Come on! Give a girl some love!" B/N pleaded.

"Sorry I don't have any pictures. I really don’t have any pictures. Do you have someone?"

"Nah none of the girls or guys are really to my taste."

"Well, that's a shame. Don't worry. You'll find someone eventually."

"Coming from someone who ranted to me throughout high school that she'll end up a spinster."

"Hey! I was in distress because no one is as perfect as Misha Collins!" (Supernatural anyone?)

“Yeah because a 42 year old man would be perfect for a 17 year old girl!”

“You know what? He’s a really sweet person and the writers of Supernatural make him seem like a lovable person, okay?”

"You're killing me, Y/N." she laughed.

Then there was an awkward pause. Because we spent some time apart, there really wasn’t much to say unfortunately.

"Well, when can you come visit me B/N?"

"I don't know. But when I do, bring Stanley over."

"Sure thing."

I hung up the phone. I needed to call someone after spending time alone. It was a long while since Stanley visited me. I felt a wet tear slide down my cheek as my phone buzzed. It was a text from Stanley!

Stanley: eHy Y/N? Wassup? What is going on?

Y/N: Stanley? Are you okay?

Stanley: I HAD 1one1 2 many. Haha

Y/N: Are you alone? And drunk? Ugh pick up the phone!

There was an awkward pause between his texts. They were erratic and clearly incoherent. He definitely was drunk.

Stanley: No Haz is with me.

Haz? Who is Haz? Does he mean Sam? Or was it just auto-correct?

Stanley: Hey Y/N. This is Sam texting from Stanley's phone.

Y/N: Sam? What's going on? And who’s Haz?

Stanley: Stanley was the designated driver but I guess he was sad that he couldn't be there on your anniversary.

Oh, right. Today was our anniversary!

Y/N: You drank also? Plus, you didn’t answer my question. Who’s Haz?

Stanley: Yeah. I'm such a div. Stanley is out of control and he's driving! Haz is no one.

Y/N: Oh ok. Where are you guys right now?

Stanley: C/N. Stanley wanted to surprise you.

Oh dear Lord have mercy on their souls. I snatched my car keys and headed over where Sam told me they currently were. Luckily they were driving in sparsely populated areas where, hopefully, no one will get hurt. Stanley probably is driving in circles but he could still get hurt!

I stopped around the corner of the area where Sam told me Stanley was at. I saw the silver Audi blink its headlights voraciously. Oh dear Lord. Stanley is clearly intoxicated. He wasn't stopping either.

"Stanley! What are you doing?" I screamed. “Stop!”

"Who's Stanley! I'm Spider-Man!" Stanley screeched. “So shut your face!” Sam quickly slapped his hand over his mouth. I guess he was trying to prevent him from screeching unintelligible phrases.

There was no other choice. I had to get his attention. I couldn't risk Stanley getting hurt. Without thinking, I jumped on the hood of his car. Well, it’s definitely a stupid move and I might die.

"Y/N!" Stanley shouted.

I didn't get hurt. Stanley stopped his car before I jumped.

Stanley drunkenly stepped out of the car. Though his behavior was in a drunken manner, his eyes were radiant. Something about those brown, puppy-dog eyes told me that he was still in his right mind. Sam mouthed "thank you". I didn't care if I got hurt. I just wanted Stanley to be safe.

"Y/N! What were you thinking?" Stanley slurred.

The sob I held in burst out. Stanley could have got in serious trouble. He could have died. He could have gotten a DUI and locked in jail. But most important of all, he was not here with me on our anniversary.

I reached out to grab Stanley's arms. He hugged me so tightly as if there was no tomorrow. With his hands cupped around my shoulders and the small of my back, I clenched my fist into his chest and sobbed.

"I love you Y/N." he sniffled.

"...I love you too." I gasped out.

Suddenly it was as if Stanley was no longer drunk.

"What?" he furrowed his eyebrows.

"I said that I love....oh shit," I repeated.

"You really do?"

"Of course, babe. You're my everything."

Of course, like a romance movie we kissed. Our lips locked tightly just like how Death almost gripped on Stanley's life. I tasted the whiskey in Stanley's mouth. He definitely was drinking hard liquor.

"Umm... Y/N? Could you drive us home?" Sam sighed.

I broke the kiss with Tom.

"Oh yeah. Definitely. It'll be my pleasure."

[ceaselessly-into-the-past]

loss

Today was the first round of the Cello Concerto Competition at the Juilliard School. This year’s piece was the Elgar concerto in e minor - the one that everyone knows Jacqueline Du Pré for - and I entered among 12 other students. 9 of us studied with the same teacher - Mr. Joel Krosnick, former cellist of the Juilliard String Quartet. Needless to say, he is the powerhouse of the cello faculty here - I delightfully named our studio group chat ‘the only cello studio that matters.’ As some might say, it was funny because it was true.

The results of the first round were announced at 10 pm. Six students were accepted into the finals. I was not one of the six.

And so began my descent back into the rising tide of what was normally my underlying sense of self-doubt and complete inability to view myself positively.

I had first heard of the competition from Mr Krosnick before summer began. After my acceptance to Juilliard, I had had a lesson with him to start things off, and he had informed me that the concerto for the fall competition would be the Elgar. Just having performed half of it in concert and being in the middle of preparing it for another competition during the summer, it was almost too perfect of a time for me to enter. I looked Mr. Krosnick in the eyes and said:

‘Yes, I’d be excited to enter the competition. Thank you for telling me about this.’

He smiled at me wistfully like a loving grandfather. I’ve grown to regard him in that way - a gentle, guiding grandfather figure.

I wanted to do him proud. I wanted for him to look at me and think: ‘Wow, I really made a good choice with this kid. I’m glad he’s here.’ I wanted to be his rising star - the eager freshman brimming with talent and ability, standing as something unique amongst the others.

I wanted him to be proud of me.

I didn’t expect to win the competition - fuck no. I was up against literally seven other classes of amazing cellists above me in the undergraduate and graduate levels. But I put every ounce of myself that I could into shaping something that would make the finals. Every ounce. I forwent eating all of my dinners many nights just so I could get every passage right - I’d set a timer for ten minutes, and whatever food was left over after those ten minutes I went and flushed down the toilet. It was in the way and it needed to go.

I forced myself, every morning, regardless of how tired or hungover (on the occasional night that I treated myself to a break) I was, to get up at 7 AM and bang out at least an hour and a half of slow, quiet, focused training.

I caught the Christopher Nolan film Dunkirk in theaters expressly as study for this piece. Edward Elgar was an Englishman who had witnessed the horrors and despair wrought by the First World War, and had written the concerto as a response to that loss near the very end of his life - it’s regarded as his ‘last notable work’. I studied the film intensely, drained it of every emotion that I could wring from it, anything to get close to what that poor old man was feeling in the pit of his stomach as he saw his countrymen die senselessly by the hands of faceless soldiers storming the beaches and scorching the skies.

I watched it two more time afterwards in my room to relive those moments to inform my playing and I ended up writing a complete narrative for the piece. 

The first movement, I decided, was a young man parting from his family on a steamboat as he was taken to the front lines. He reflected on what it was he was about to do, and carried a pocket watch, on the inside of which was kept a photograph of him, his wife and two children. There was a specific motif in the first movement that I assigned this pocket watch. At one point the young man, after a night of sitting around with his mates making small talk, drops his watch and upon picking it up, sees the photograph and is plunged into despair. He shouldn’t be here - he is certain now that he will die and never see his family again. He pleads to God to grant him mercy and strength, and the chance to return home safely to those that he loves most. But there’s no answer - in this hell of war there is no God. So the man quietly retires to his cabin, sets aside the watch, and goes to sleep. He must steel himself for the hardships to come.

The second movement starts in a reverie - dreams of glory on the battlefield, the quick draw of the gun and the flair of bullets that would meet their marks, take down the opposition, do Queen and country proud one at a time. But the dreamer is jolted awake - she is no soldier, but rather a typist in a communications room, receiving word of troop movements and casualties from the front lines in the din of phones and the clacking of typewriters. On the infrequent occasion that news of victory came through the typist would tear the paper out of the machine, stand up and wave it in the air, exclaiming in joy, and the rest would join in the gladness. In the end, the jobs and lives these men and women carry out are safe and inconsequential - every night they return to their homes and into the embrace of whoever awaits.

The third movement is a dream, seemingly as real as real life, of home. The open fields, the fresh air, the freedom from fate and consequence filtering through the sunshine. It is a small heaven compared to a soldier’s reality - to which he quickly returns.

The fourth movement: the soldier - the same man as in the first movement - comes back to consciousness. He awaits battle, side-by-side with his fellow troops. The wind blows through the still, thick air as tension mounts. Then - the alert - fire. The battle commences and goes on and on, perspective changing from the horrific front lines to the command room with the top brass, pushing around miniatures on a map and bickering about strategy to the radio room where operators shouted out new developments in the battle.

At last, the fighting subsides a little. The soldier lets down his gear and elects to take a brief walk in the nearby field. It’s cloudy and getting dark, but this is the only reprieve he’s received in who knows how long. He looks up to the sky, where God isn’t.

He feels a jolt, in his left side. He looks down - his ears are ringing - he touches his uniform and comes away with slick red. He turns around, as though submerged in water, and falls back as his companions rush to him in slow motion. As they pull him back and fight off the surprise attackers, the wounded soldier recognizes that this is the end for him. He will not see his family again. Despair and anguish - the pain of not holding his wife close to himself and looking in the eyes of his daughter again - wells up inside of him.

Why? he asks. Why like this? It could have been so much different.

He arrives at death’s door. And, in some kind of penultimate delirium, he sees the vision of home that he had dreamed of - the rich fields and open air. His wife, loving and by his side, and his child, rushing about, full of promise.

He sees that vision of home as he dies.

The end of the fourth movement includes a sort of postscript that nearly identically mimics the opening of the piece. I see that as yet another young man, much alike the one that we watched dying, being pulled away from his family by the call of war. In the end, Elgar seems to say, they are all the same and they will all die the same in this chaos, and the most we can do is push on and hope that one day the war comes to an end.

I poured this into my performance. Every single last drop of what I had inside of me went into this one moment.

I tried so hard.

And I still failed.

I let down Mr. Krosnick. I failed to be what I so desperately needed to be. I was no success. If I put every bit of my being into something and I still couldn’t even place in the top half of the contestant pool, I doubt that I even belong in his studio.

And then came the shame and humiliation. Members of the judging panel came up to me, as they did to everyone else that failed just as I did, murmuring vague words of congratulations. They didn’t mean any of it. ‘Beautiful playing’ -- obviously not beautiful enough to make the cut.

Every single empty-hearted consolation was like a new shard of glass in my stomach. Every explanation of ‘Oh, I didn’t make the cut - yeah, it sucks - haha yeah, hopefully next year’ felt like another scorching brand in my side.

It is not enough to question my right to live, but it is enough to convince me that I have no place among these great talents at Juilliard.

I feel horrifically out of place and I dread facing them tomorrow in classes and in the hallways. Inside we will all know that I don’t belong here.

I didn’t even make the fucking final cut.

Don’t you understand? 

I FAILED.

I LET THEM DOWN.

I LET HIM DOWN.

I WAS SO CLOSE TO FINDING REDEMPTION.

Maybe once, I could be confident in myself for achieving just ONE fucking thing.

I only ask for one thing.

Just one thing to pull me out of whatever it is that I’m stuck in.

I hate it here.

I hate having to stare into the blackness of the night as I’m falling asleep and finding every stain and imperfection and failure within myself staring back.

I hate pinching myself whenever I feel connected to someone - a potential friend or the pretty girl I see by the elevators on Thursday evenings - because I know they’ll never accept me. I know this from having tried to reach out to them and being blocked out, being avoided.

I hate seeing the pity in people’s eyes as I explain that I’m mostly deaf, or that I can’t process solid foods, or that I started the cello when I was nine years old.

That look is so disgustingly transparent and denigrating that it almost makes me cry every single goddamn time. The look of - ‘I’m so sorry you have to live your life as a burden. I’d take some of your pain, except... you know. It’s yours. I’m sorry, really I am. I wish I could help.’

It’s the same look from everyone.

Sometimes even from Mr. Krosnick.

And that’s the one that really breaks my heart. When he looks at me like the rest do.

That’s when I feel the complete inescapability of my circumstances.

I think I’m going to stop.