#like god i wish that were me blabla

[flintmybeloved]

wanna grow as a person? i recommend having an illness doctors can't diagnose and don't care about. it builds character

[teddybeartoji]

hello this is me rambling about monkey man (2024)! LONG story very short it was very very good i loved it very very much. a lot of good action a lot of blood a lot of me smiling. spoilers under cut!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

oke oke deep breath in and a deep one out. i will try to make this as understandable as possible but i feel like i'm genuinely tweaking a little bit rn. from the film and also from the new meds so yk bear with me also wait this is incredibly incredibly biased bc i love fighting and i love action hehe

anyway. this was dev patel's directorial debut and uuhhhhh. well. he fucking did it. i. there's nothing bad to say. it's very obvious that he loves films; loves being in them, loves watching them, loves learning them, loves making them. it's clear that he did his homework for this. he mentioned in an interview how he's been an action lover ever since he was a kid but he was just never offered the right role. he talks about how he got scripts for just being the side-kick, the tech guy yk some random guy who just gets A Moment. but he knew he had way more to offer and fuck yeah he did.

so idk who happens to be reading this fuck ass review but if you by any chance don't know who dev patel is by name, maybe you've heard of slumdog millionaire (2008) or lion (2016) or the green knight (2021). point is that he's really fucking good and he deserves more recognition. blabla i'm not actually doing a review i will be going insane now.

i LOVE when mc's fucking suck ass. i love when they get beat. i love when they're weak it's just sooooo fucking boring when they're immediately some untouchable god. it feels good to watch them learn how to control their need to just go apeshit bc that simply... won't fucking work lmao. i love when the mc's are nervous, are just so determined to go through with their plan even though they're obviously in over their head. it's delicious and it's my favourite trope. honorary mention to indiana jones my favourite fucking nerd loser who gets into fights and then groans and moans and sweats and man he just wants to ramble about his little artefacts.

i loved the first big fight!!!!!!!!!!! it's between the mc with the shaky hands and the police chief who very obviously knows how to fight. (the mc kind of does too he does boxing matches for money but he's kinda bad yk). it's super bloody and it gets soooooo fucking messy. a random person happens to be there too and now the mc has to deal with two people and well shit. he's just now fucking doing well. he's getting beat, he's getting stabbed, he's being choked, his gun is fuck knows where and yeah everything is just bad.

though in my head i kept thinking about how i wish i could see the fighting a bit more. the scenes were short, cut after cut after cut, the camera moved around and it was placed at weird angles (IT'S WASN'T ACTUALLY BAD THOUGH THIS IS JUST ME BEING REALLY PICKY RN) but i wasn't too upset bc messy fights are also very fun, not every fight can be a dance and that's completely fine. so it was very fast paced, a lot was happening but it did all suit the situation - adrenaline filled mc fights his big ass nemesis in a public place - ofc it's gonna be messy.

also when he tries to finally escape the situation he decides to jump through a window to get into the main room - the glass doesn't break and he just falls down to the floor. 5+ i love that shit so much.

and thennnnnnn. just when i was again thinking about how every fight can't be beautiful blabla it's only natural etc etc - he enters his little training arc. btw i thought the training arc was made very well (overall the film had a lot of the so called Cliches but i thought they all worked perfectly and i had no complaints abt them).

anyway... the thing he learns is Rhythm. i almost made some sort of a noise when i realized this okay i got very giddy. he starts learning about how fighting isn't just throwing punches like he has been doing but it's about flow and rhythm and focus - a dance. while he's practicing his punches, a guy at the temple starts setting him a pattern with his drums and through that he learns how to make his movements smoother, sharper, how to lose the unnecessary steps, how to stay more clear headed, so he wouldn't just go in thrashing but with an actual goal in mind. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafuck i loved that soooooooooooooo much

and it made a change. during the next fights, the camera stood still more, the shots were wider, you could actually see what he's doing. it's was messy only in a sense of that blood was being splattered everywhere but the fighting itself did turn into a kind of a dance. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOUUU IT WAS SO COOL OKAY I'M GEEKING RN I'M TRYING SO HARD TO STAY FOCUSED HERE

YOU KNOW A PERSON IS AN ACTION FAN WHEN THEY KNOW HOW TO GET CREATIVE WITH IT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. deep breaths deep breaths. it's not only about guns and knives (although i do love my guns and knives) - it's about pots, pans, toilet seats, trays, walls, furniture, the ground itself. everything can be used in a fight and i fucking love it. another honorary mention just bc i want to and this one goes out to atomic blonde (2017) where the female mc has to fight multiple men and she too uses just about everything that's around her - the fridge, a hose, a pan, a glass table; later in another fight she uses a corkscrew, she uses a ministove etc etc. it just makes the fight sooo much more interesting and you can play around with it sooooooooooo much you can literally do anything. i'm soooo normal right nowwwwwwwwwww my hands are shaking.

speaking of cool moves i'd like to point some out from this one too. the mc is fighting in an elevator against two guys, it's a knife fight (btw i am very obviously veeeery geeked abt this too bc i love when the fighting is happening in a small closed space wahh it's so cool). he kills one of the guys and then he's pressing his knife at the other guy's neck right. he doesn't have much power bc the guy is pushing against his knife hand and he's using his other hand to hold the guy against the wall. he manages to press the knife in a little bit and then... he leans closer... and bites the handle... and pushes it inside the guy's throat with his mouth. his teeth? you get my point. IT WAS FUCKING SICK AS FUCK THE BLOOD SPLATTERED EVERYWHERE AND HE LOOKED INSANE AND I THINK I MIGHT'VE ACTUALLY GASPED OUT LOUD AT THIS I WON'T EVEN LIE

have to also mention the Axe Fight. very fucking cool i'm sorry i don't have any other words in my vocabulary rn but it really was cool. an axe is such an interesting weapon to go against bc it has the range and it has the weight. it's very hard to stop right? like you can't just fucking parry that shit lmao + the shape of the blade is a little too fucked for that. but it does have it's downsides - since it's heavy it can get stuck very easily - it gets stuck in the walls and in the floor, giving the mc a moment to counter back. it has the range but lacks in speed - for you to really do any damage you have to take the second to give it momentum which also gives your opponent time to strike. bonk now i'm just yapping about axes apparently are you still here i love you

OH WAIT BEFORE I FORGET I HAVE TO SAY THAT THE MUSIC THEY PICKED FOR THIS FUCKING FILM FUCKED SO HARD. SO DAMN HARD. I WAS BONERED UP JUST FROM THAT WHEWWW.

another cool little thing was that they mentioned john wick hihihii. that was fun i like the little show of appreciation for other films in films. i think it's very cute. like omfgg yeahhh i fucking loved your film i need to mention it in my own one!!!! yeahhhhh!!!!! very lovely

oke i have one more cool move to offer and it is theeeee knife through the hand move!!!!! everybody cheers!!!! the mc already has a knife in his stomach and the super evil bad guy is going to stab him with another one but the mc takes the hit with his hand and it's wwwooooowwwwwwwwww sooo sexyy!! so cool!!! and he then ofc manages to turn it around and stab the super evil bad guy with his own knife!!!!! everybody cheers even more!!!!! shaky hands and all but he still does it!!!!! and he looked very good while doing it. yum

since i'm already just Mentioning shit i am also going to mention the fact that they made the police chief like a sexy evil man. wheww. yeah. he's like awwwwwful and very very bad but man.. why he kinda hot. this is just about appearance i think we should make more hot bad guys.

scar mention. bad guy had a cool scar.

woman mention. very beautiful lady gets covered in blood while in a beautiful beautiful dress. a+ would watch again

okay i think this is it for now thank you for reading. go watch the film. or don't. a lot of action and blood and it might not be for you but it most definitely was for meeeeee hihihihih love you mwah

[lady-lycany]

Some religious christian blabla once again. So feel freee to ignore ':D

I'm so sick of this constant confusion. So sick of constant excusing myself for who I have become. The more I think about all that, the angrier I get. The only reason, I was trying to build some sort of relationship up to them was out of fear. Not love.

I was afraid what I would expect after this life, if I wouldn't be good enough to go to heaven. But honestly? It's said that everyone's a sinner and that they can only find salvation if they beg for forgiveness to god. That's for a long time now my biggest issue. I'd rather stay 10 more lives here on this fcked up planet in human form, if I know that good people that don't believe in them can go to heaven. I'm like the wish version of Jesus. I'm ready to sacrifice my happy ever after for others. For doubter and not believers that were still good at heart.

My brain got so morally fcked up through my past. Even if I want to fix it. I can't. Not because it's impossible. But I don't even want it enough. There are things that make my brain happy, that I would be threatened and hated for, if I would talk about it. I will probably always still try to be the best verion of me in the real world. And I'll always feel a little bad for my thoughts and actions but never enough to not think/do that stuff anymore.

I also think, that it's a lie that they're the purest creatures. They murdered too. They let us people suffer for so long and just watch because "iT's GoOd FoR uS 🥴💀" they just want the best for us... hah' sure. That's why so many people suffer in this life or unalive themselves because they can't fight back anymore.

I sympathize with the devil. I think there must've happened something to him that he has become evil. You only become suddenly evil if there's a reason. A trigger from the outside... What happened?...

I don't sympathize with people that do fcked up things for the devil. And I DON'T want to even sympathize with the evil. But I do so often. And I'm so sick of denying. Even if some things actually got better. There are things that I like too much to fix them.

I am confused, I'm angry, I am not able to waste more thoughts about that shit. I want to go back to the time where I didn't thought about all that ever.

[mafia-nct]

Monsta X: Their S/O goes in labour at the worst time

Genre: mafia au!, crack and fluff

Warning: swearing, violence.

---

Shownu:

You did not want to be here right now. At all. You wanted to be home, in bed, watching Netflix TV-shows as Shownu gave you a foot massage. But no, here you were in the middle of a gang deal. A deal that your dumb husband begged for you to accompany him.

Sitting on your husband’s right side, you listened to every words that were spoken not really understanding what was going on.

Blablabla territory blabla respecting each other’s land blablablabla.

You were getting bored; you needed something to distract you, to entertain you.

You wished you hadn’t thought that, because at the same exact time you started to have contractions. Thinking they were Braxton hicks, you didn’t think much of it. Then, a really strong contraction came making you grip your husband’s thigh.

Shownu stopped talking to the other mafia leader. “Babe, you ok?”

“No,” you said looking at the ground trying your hardest to breath through the pain, “I think I’m in labour.”

“O..Ok” stuttered your husband. ”Can you hold it for a minute? We’re almost done here.”

You lifted your head and narrowed your eyes at Shownu. “Son Hyunwoo. I swear, I will drive to the hospital and have this baby all by myself. And when I’ll be done, I’m going to come back and chop your balls off.”

Shownu looked back at the other mafia leader. “I’m very sorry, we need to go”

“No problem, we can continue this deal when that little one is here.” Smiled the other leader.

“Thanks Jaebum.” Said Shownu helping you getting up. “How are you feeling baby?”

“Like shit. These contractions hurt like a hell and you were about to chose making a deal over me.”

Shownu laughed. “I’m sorry love. Now, let’s go have a baby!”

Wonho:

Left. Right. Duck, Uppercut. Left.

His body was in autopilot when he was in the ring. Nothing could stop him from winning. Nothing. Tonight was the biggest night of fights. Boxers from different gangs all gathered to beat each other up until only one boxer remained. The Clan needed that win.Wonho, who suffered a shoulder injury, hadn’t been in the ring in a long time and, because of that, The Clan dropped from the scoreboard.

Right. And his opponent was down. A smile crept on his lips as the other guy was dragged out of the ring.

Wonho turned around to talk to Shownu and to catch a glimpse of your face. You were, after all, his good luck charm. But as his eyes searched the crowd for you, he didn’t see you or Kinhyun, whom Wonho assigned as your personal nurse for the last nine month.

Wonho took his mouthpiece out. “Shownu where the fuck is my girlfriend?”

Shownu passed a hand on his face. “Don’t panic..”

“These words are doing the complete opposite Boss.” Cut Wonho. “Where is she?”

“She’s in labour, Kihyun took her to the hospital.”

“WHAT?!”  Wonho screamed so loudly everyone looked at him. “I have to go, Boss I gotta go my baby girl is coming!”

Shownu jumped in the ring and grabbed a fistful of Wonho’s shirt. “No. You are not going.”

Wonho’s heart stopped. Was Shownu for real right now?

“But, Boss..” He started to protest.

“We need that win and we need that winning money so you’ll fight until you’re the only one left standing. Right now, she’s just having contractions and it can take hours before she’s ready to push. Kinhyun assured me that he was going to call when it’ll be time. Then, I’ll think about letting you go. Am I understood?”

Wonho’s next opponent was announce and the crowd started cheering.

“I hate you.” Said Wonho.

He put back his mouthpiece and went to work.

Minhyuk:

He barged in the hospital. Running around like a headless chicken

“Where, the fuck, is the maternity wing?” He wondered out loud

Every one looked at him in horror. He knew he looked awful but he didn’t care at the moment. All he cared about was finding you and Kihyun so he could rip his head off.

A nurse grabbed his arm. “Sir are you ok? You’re bleeding we need to attend to you right now.”

“What?” Asked Minhyuk. He wasn’t bleeding, what was this nurse talking about? He looked at his chest, where the nurse was staring. “Oh this,” he pointed at his bloody shirt, “don’t worry it’s not my blood. I’m fine but could you help me find the maternity wing? My wife just got admitted and I need to find her.”

“Sure, follow me. Do you know what room?”

Minhyuk was happy that nurse guided him because he would’ve never found your room. And he would’ve never found Kihyun waiting outside said room.

Minhyuk thanked the nurse before marching towards his friend.

Kihyun’s head shot up at the sound of Minhyuk’s feet hitting the floor. “I..I can explain!”

“You have ten seconds to explain why the hell you didn’t call me starting now!”

Minhyuk grabbed Kihyun by the shirt pushing him the wall.

“The explanation is very simple; you were in a gang fight.”

“Bullshit excuse. I told you to call me even if she hurts her little toe!”

“Yeah, well Shownu gave me orders to not call you when you were dealing with mafia stuff.”

Minhyuk released Kihyun’s shirt. He looked at the ceiling taking a deep breath. “That bitch.”

“You can deal with Shownu later, right now your wife is waiting for you.” Said Kihyun fixing his shirt.

“You’re right.”

Minhyuk grabbed the door handled ready to open it but was stop by Kihyun.

“Dude, you should change your shirt. I wouldn’t want to upset her right now if I were you.”

He looked down at his shirt then, looked back at his friend smiling. “Don’t worry, she’s seen worst” and entered your room.

Kihyun:

“Explain me how, you manage to get yourself shot every single time?” Asked Kihyun annoyed.

Every time the clan returned from a mission, Jooheon came back with a bullet in different part of his body. This time: his bicep.

“My natural luck I guess!” shrugged Jooheon.

Kihyun grunted. “I swear, next time I’m going to leave you to bleed on the carpet.”

“Now, now Ki baby.” You smiled rubbing your belly. “Fix Jooheon.”

“Yes ma’am.” Agreed your boyfriend taking out the equipment he needed.

“Thank you, Ki baby!” Laughed Jooheon

Kihyun didn’t waste anytime slapping Jooheon’s injured bicep making him screech in pain. You rolled your eyes at your boyfriend’s attitude; he was incorrigible.  

You loved to watch Kihyun work in the infirmary and every time he’d have to fix a member you made sure you had a front row seat.

As you watched your boyfriend pull out the bullet out of Jooheon’s arm, you felt a contraction. You’d been having them since the morning. They weren’t consistent and you didn’t want to alert Kihyun because of some Braxton hicks. But, in the last hour, they’ve become regular. They were tolerable and you didn’t want to go to the hospital only for them to send you back home. You tried to concentrate on Kihyun to get your mind off of these contractions. You started to rub your belly hoping that’ll help them calm down, but a strong one hit you and you had to remember to keep breathing.

“Ki.” You called but he didn’t answer. “Baby.” Nothing again. You took a deep breath in; god this contraction was a bitch. “Kihyun, baby.”

“What?” He finally answered

“I think your son is coming.”

Kihyun stopped moving. “Like, right now?”

“Yes Kihyun right now!” You snarled

“Jeez, ok let me stitch up Jooheon and then we’ll go to the hospital alright baby?” He glanced at you. You nodded.

“That baby is so dramatic.” whispered Kihyun under his breath. “Deciding to come when I’m stitching someone up.”

“I wonder who gets it from?” You teased.

Hyungwon:

He was stationed on a rooftop across the street from one of their enemy’s base. Their boss had been threatening The Clan for some time now and Shownu had enough. He ordered Hyungwon to kill that bastard.

Hyungwon was ready. He was lying down on his stomach, the silencer was screwed on his rifle and he kept his eyes on the door of the base. He could stay like this for days if he needed to.

“Hey, Faces how is it going?” Asked I.M in his earpiece

“Good,” he answered, “I haven’t seen anything unusual and there’s,” Hyungwon looked at his watch, “only five minutes left before their boss leaves to go meet with his mistress.”

“Yeah, ok cool.” Replied I.M. “Just out of curiosity, when is Y/N due date?”

“In like a week. Why?”

“Oh, well that’s cool.”

Hyungwon felt the hesitation in I.M’s voice.

“Cobra, what the fuck is going on?”

“Nothing.” Stuttered I.M. “Nothing is happening. Every thing is fine don’t worry.”

“You’re talking about my nine month pregnant wife of course I’m going to worry. Now I won’t ask again, or the next person I’ll shoot will be you, what is happening with my wife?”

“Ok, I’ll tell you but you have to promise me to not leave your post because Shownu is going to kill both of us and I’m too young to die!”

“Cobra.” Warned Hyungwon.

“Alright, alright Y/N is in labour right now. Bunny and her are at the hospital.”

Hyungwon didn’t answer, of course this would happen. He checked his watch: three minutes left.

“Cobra,” started Hyungwon, “send Party. I need a gateway driver in exactly three minutes.”

“Yeah I can do that!”

“And tell him to drive like a madman.”

“Got it buddy.”

He shook his head. He wasn’t even surprise that his child would decide to come when he was about to kill an enemy.

Jooheon:

He looked at his watch. His buyer was late. Why were they always late? He had other places to be: like bed with you. He knew you’d probably fall asleep soon and he wanted to get home before that. Jooheon would read a story to your belly almost every night since he found out you were pregnant. He called it daddy-daughter bonding time and he adored it. He loved that you would laugh at the voices he would make. He loved that you would always play with his hair as he read. He loved to cover your belly with kisses and he loved how you’d always tell him he was going to be a great dad. He couldn’t wait for his daughter to be born.

“Are you Jooheon?” Asked a voice bringing him out of his daydream.

“And you must be Mr. Lee!” Smiled Jooheon his buyer was finally here. If he got this over quickly he’d have time for his daddy-daughter time.

The man nodded.

“Good, “ started Jooheon, “then, let’s get started!”

As Jooheon started explaining the deal and terms that came with it, his phone started to ring. He took it out of his pocket. Seeing Wonho’s name, he hung up. Wonho knew he was in the middle of a deal right now, why would he call?

“Sorry,” apologized Jooheon “where were we?”

His phone rang, again. It was Wonho, again. He hung up, again. Almost immediately, his phone started ringing; Wonho’s name flashing for the third time.

“You should answer.” Said the buyer. “It seems important.”

“Yeah,” laughed Jooheon “sorry about that.”

He was going to yell at Wonho when he’d come back.

“What do you want?” Spat Jooheon answering the phone.

“Finally you answered!” Breathed Wonho. “Y/N’s water just broke, we’re on our way to the hospital.”

Jooheon’s mind stopped functioning. It was happening, he was going to meet his little princess.

He turned to his buyer. “I’m very sorry, but my girlfriend is in labour right now. So if that’s ok with you, I’m going to leave and go to the hospital. We can finish this another time.”

“Yeah no problem, good luck!”

He nodded his head towards the buyer and started to walk back to his car.

“Bunny, which hospital?”

I.M:

His eyes were starting to water. They were so dry. He hadn’t blinked in what felt like hours, but he was so scared he was going to miss something important if he did that he just forced his eyes to stay open. Many will tell you that hacking a bank takes days and many people. Changkyun will tell you the same thing, but he can do it alone and in a matter of hours. He needed to get this done and quick. The rest of The Clan was waiting for his signal to rob the said bank. They needed the money and they needed people to know not to mess with them.

“These stupid banks are getting better at security.” He muttered to himself

His hands were cramping up, which is understandable from the amount of coding he’s been doing in the past two hours.

“Cobra, could you hurry up?” Asked Shownu in his earpiece.

“I’m doing everything I can Boss. But they’ve upgraded their system. It’s going to take a little longer.”

“You have fifteen minutes.”

Changkyun rolled his eyes. He tapped some more codes and then, the window on his screen changed. He was in.

“Fucking finally!” he exclaimed. “Now let’s shut all of the security down and we are good.”

He heard the door to his office open.

“Babe.” You said.

“Not right now angel. I’ve been hacking this bank for the past two hours and I just got in. I’ll come cuddle when all of this is over I promise.”

“I don’t care about cuddles right now. We have a problem. A baby problem.”

Changkyun’s eyes never left his screen. “What do you mean?”

“My water broke Changkyun. The baby is coming.”

“God damn it.” He sighed. “Ok, game plan, give me ten minutes to finish hacking. After that, we’ll leave for the hospital.”

“Alright, be ..” you tried to finish your sentence but you were hit by a contraction.

Changkyun looked up when you moaned in pain. “Breathe angel, breathe.” He pressed the enter key on his computer. “And I’m done!” He exclaimed getting up to walk to you.

“Grizzly, you guys can go, I shut all the security down.” Changkyun said in his walkie-talkie. “Also, Y/N’s water broke so we’re leaving for the hospital. If you need me, I’ll be busy having a baby!”

[expfcultragreen]

This is supposed to be a comedy post, every tw

2021 was my year of failed intentional suicides, ive never set out to kill myself before but i did twice this year. Now im on invega sustenna and i feel like i did 5 years ago, except robbed of time and mobility. Because I'm like, wahh my house wouldve been done if I'd had that perfect month and a half i missed in hospital. But for that month and a half I'd have been psychotic and probably spent half the day talking out loud to jeremiah towers because i thought someone had uplinked him and his squaddies to the show where drones my nemesis runs watch me from my own forest.

I dont currently feel surveilled but im on a bevy of pharmaceuticals besides the invega shots. I do feel able to totally not think about who is surveilling me and why and that's freeing. I also don't feel like playing psychic party line operator or channeling ghosts on purpose all day but then its like i don't know what to do besides wail at all the work i made by being charmed to physically SEE the defiant rodents taking over my dwellings, like its a disney movie and they're like "hi" and im like "WELCOME" and they keep looking at me and being ME as a ghost reliving my own life backwards after death through other living creatures around me as i go through a period of absolution and have to spend each day both doing that and being slugs i accidentally stepped on etc by being careless. So im like, well, i try to clean up after them and i missed a month and a half and it shows. And most people are like, pet rodents are enclosed with their own piss and shit this is some other fucking thing

Anyway i kept thinking some other millennial is like, all madcore witched out like full warlock (i had standup of this i should take a picture of the notes) and has me totally vampire-weekended around her little my-death-wish because of how we stopped dating in the 20teens. Because both attempts were just her psychically first, asking me to prove im serious (and telling me she's been a ghost for time and i can't check and the masons run her accounts with deepfakery), so i tried to kill myself slamming a porcelain teacup into my skull, and second was me being drunk and reacting to her vaguely trying to get me to move on instead of capitulating to my incessant optimism about nonmonogamy going mainstream enough for her wife to be cool with us dating again. The reacting involved screaming her name a bunch along with "where are you" (i know, and why) and "i want to die" which is how the whole thing of the cops finally being called about me got rolling. Then me being like "my property" blabla "an gun" yadda yadda "shoot me" dadada-da. They k9'd me. My artery went nope, my leg died for a while.

Now i make like, transparent gifs of winged heart rings and cry about it, she's still got me vampire weekended i need an intervention. Or not, i mean, more other people enjoy the transparent gif than they do me privately nutting to an antimatter dragon because my human marriages are literally nonexistent and i think the metaphysical being im "in contact with" is hot for me too. In my weird sonic run i touch the gods and the gods are like "yeah ok, moves"

[liya4kar]

Liyada’s Pokespe AU Masterpost

I decided to do a Pokespe AU Masterpost because I have a lot of them and unfortunately never get to speak of them with anyone because nobody knows them. And doing a master post with also help me to actually keep track of all of them.

I’ll also probably do one post for the more developed AU where I can develop them fully, as I’ll try to keep this post short.

If you want to send me an ask about any of them, please do! I’d love to speak of them more~ If you want to know more about a character in an AU, or how some events happen, I will love to answer you!

Also, every work relate to those AU will be tag on my blog, you can find the tag name at the beginning of each AU, as well as the related fics if there are any!

Summary:

The Magical Dexholders AU

The Magical Pokémons AU

Humans Gods AU Number 1

Humans Gods AU Number 2

Kagepro AU Number 1

Kagepro AU Number 2

Kagepro AU Number 3 (Though the only link between this AU and Kagepro is the idea behind Ene)

Yorozuya no Lack-Chan AU

Legendary Dexholders AU

Blond Family AU

One Piece AU

Natural Spirits AU

Ducktales AU

1. The Magical Dexholders (Will have a special post)

(Fic for it: The Magical Dexholders)

Tag: #The Magical Dexholder AU

A canon-compliant AU, where all the canons adventure has already taken place, and when a new adventure arises. Except that this time it’s not an Evil Team but the Darkness Force of the Evil that is so Bad that They stole the Snack of a Four Years Old Child, and that the Dexholders are not fighting with their Pokémons but with their Magical Powers they obtained from some random strange sassy colorful creatures, and they fight with the power of Friendship, Anime, and Protagonist on their side.

Aka a total self-compliant Magical Girl AU where I put whatever strange idea I have. 

In this AU, you can find:

Sassy little creatures

Characters being dumb

Diamond and Silver bonding over their passion for Proteam Omega while fighting The Darkness of the Evil that is blabla Snack of a Child blabla.

Blue and Yellow kicking ass.

Hippie Celebi (oops this one is a spoiler)

Not all the characters are Magical Holders right now but they will all appear up to Sun and Moon at least. Maybe SWSH if I or someone finds a way to incorporate them. (Though if you ask for the destiny of any specific character of this AU in an ask, I’ll surely answer!)

Some people bonding over their friends being dumb (Or how Pearl, Green, Crystal, and Y ended up in a group chat with a Satanic God) (Ooops Spoiler again)

2. The Magical Pokémons (Will have a special post)

Tag: #Spe Magical Pokémons AU

This AU, though created before the Magical Dexholders, is actually linked to the Magical Dexholders. Technically, they happen in the same setting and meet at one point. But of course, when I wanted to write a fic for it alongside the Dexholders, I realized I actually have no time to write it! Ahah-

Basically, still a Magical Girl AU, still a parodical AU where the only goal is to have fun and laugh, but this time it’s not the Dexholders that are the Magical Boys or Girls but their Pokémons! Well, not all of them. Two per Dexholders. Do you realize how complicated it’s to manage all the DH? So all their Pokémons? No way- So only two Pokémons per DH.

Warning, this AU happen before Black was released from the Light Stone. But Sun and Moon are already out of the Ultra-Dimension. Respecting the timeline? It’s my AU I do what I want. (Mainly cause this AU was created back in 2018 actually)

In this AU, you can find:

Pokémons doing dumb sh*t when their trainers are not in sight.

Black being the only humans having powers because he was in the Light Stone when Reshiram received powers, and now he can sometimes go out of the Light Stone when the situation is desperate enough.

Also when Black activates his power he wears a white wedding dress.

Yellow also joining sometimes?

3. Human Gods AU Number 1

Tag: #Spe Human Gods AU Number 1

I always found weird there were only Pokémon Gods in the Pokémon Universe. So what did I do? I created not only one, but two Humans God AU! And here we go for the first.

So. Once Upon a Time, there were Human Gods. But they were not really nice. Actually, they wanted to destroy all the Pokémon Gods and to at best, reduce Pokémons as slaves, at worst killing them all. Of course, the Pokémons Gods did not agree, and after a (little) war, the Humans Gods were sealed by the Pokémons Gods and erased of mainstream history. But of course, things are not that easy, Humans Gods still have secret followers and are planing for their return.

Centuries later, when those followers are finally close to getting back their Gods and need to steal some old parchments for that, they are noticed by Cynthia who asked the help of the Sinnoh Trio. Of course, nothing works like expected, and when the Human Gods finally break their seal, they need bodies to reincarnate in and it’s really convenient that Diamond and Platinum are just right there. Now, the Humans Gods free and ready to put their reign of terror in place, it’s up to Pearl (who saw his best friends lovers possessed in front of him yeah!), the other DH, and the (for once) united army of the Pokémon Gods to stop them before it’s too late. Oh, and also maybe get Diamond and Platinum back.

In this AU you can find:

AnGsT

Entourageshipping

Epic fights

I mean there are powerful Gods so EPIC FIGHTS

Even more angst

Maybe Major Character Death. To see.

Development of Pokémons and Humans relationship

Did I mention Angst?

4. Human Gods AU Number 2 (Will have a special post)

Tag: #Spe Humans Gods AU Number 2

And yeah, there is a Number 2- They are not the only AU that ends to have several versions of it at the end.

So. Basically, like in the previous AUs, thousands of years ago there was a war between the Pokémons and Humans Gods, each other judging the other being invasive and dangerous to the other being. Normal Humans and Gods also participate in this war. But on both sides, some start to lose faith in this conflict and believe that cohabitation is possible. Things become more complicated when Gods from both factions start to bond. Together, they decide to end the was so everyone can live peacefully together. If the Pokémons Gods accept it pretty well, the Humans ones don’t, especially after one of the most vehement deity simulated a Pokémon attack, and they decide to end the war by using a magical machine to destroy the Pokémons Gods (the one used in the Kalos war is a less-powerful derivate of it).

 As the Humans Gods working for the peace don’t have much time left before the arms use, they take an extreme measure and seal their fellow Gods to the price of their own life. The Pokémons Gods then decided to end the war and to let the Pokémons and Humans live together without interfering with them anymore. They also used a bit of their power to grant the last wish of the Humans Gods who sacrificed themselves, who wanted to see a world where everyone can cohabitate. The said Humans Gods, no longer Gods, reincarnate as normal Humans once in while, still having a little fragment of their powers, 

Thousands of years later, the seal finally breaks, and the Humans Gods come out, some planing their revenge, some wanting to see how the world has evolved in their absence before taking a decision. Obviously, the DH gets involved. Either by meeting the gods and decide to help or fight them depending on the situation or by being one of the reincarnated Gods themselves.

What do you find in this AU:

Angst, surely

Some DH in God versions with cool designs

Human and Pokémon relationship development

Lore created from crap by me, with some inspiration from the real world but with also a lot of invented stuff, because hey it’s my AU and I do what I want

Magic. Everywhere.

5. Kagepro AU Number 1 (Aka the Fidel to the Kagepro Plot)

Tag: #Liya’s Spe Kagepro AU 1

I used to be in Kagepro a lot last, so OF COURSE, I ended doing an AU of it. Wait, not only one actually- I’ll list them by “How close to the Kagepro plot they are”.

So, in this first one, it’s basically “We replace the Kagepro characters with Pokespe characters”, though some things change, depending on the personality of the chosen characters. But they still have the same powers as the originals Kagepro cast.

Here the main cast!

Red as Ayano

Green as Shintaro

Blue as Takane/Ene

Yellow as Haruka/Konoha

Prof Oak as Kenjiirou (Ayano’s father)

Platinum as Kido Tsubomi

Diamond as Seto Kyousuke

Pearl as Kano Shuuya

White as Momo

Whi-Two as Mary

X as Hibiya

Y as Hiyori

What you can find in this AU:

Angst, I missed you!

Family relationship between several characters because ships are great, family is better.

Major Character Deaths. Like, they all die at some point but come back to life because of time loops reason!

Damn, there is so much angst possible with this one.

6. Kagepro AU Number 2 (Aka I take a lot of liberty from the original plot but you can still see the Kagepro influence) (Will have a post)

Tag: #Liya’s Kagepro AU 2

So... How to explain this one... 

It’s my most developed Kagepro AU, and so my more complex one. Too complex to even summarize it in this post (I try and stop when it became longuer than all the previous AUs combined ahah-), it’s why it’ll be the first one to have its post. Please be patient, I’ll link it as soon that I'll post it!

It also follows the canon, though some events/characters interactions change.

What can you find in this AU:

Angst, to change

Four DHs that are not all related being a found family because I can.

Major Characters Deaths. Once again.

Friendships too. Friendships are great.

7. Kagepro AU Number 3 (aka there is nearly no link to Kagepro by this point)

Tag: #Liya’s Spe Kagepro AU 3

So. In Kagepro, I always loved Ene. And all the angst include by everyone believing you are dead while you are transformed into a virus/computer program.

So basically, there is a crazy scientist organization that is doing all sorts of experiments on humans, to get immortality. Those experiments are killing nearly all the people who go through them, the rare survivors being broken beyond repair and not immortal at all. If they took random people at first, they end up taking more different people, from all backgrounds with all kinds of lives, to see if there is any difference. They tend to socially isolate their prospect guinea pigs before simulating their death in an accident.

One of this experience include separating the soul from the body: they transform the brains data into informatical data and transfer it in a computer. Like any of their experiments, there is a lot of death. But for once, it succeeds, and they end up with one person with their body in a coma while their “soul” is on a computer. Thrilled by this success, they do other attempts and end up with two other survivors. All of them are determined and stubborn people who have some people they hold dear to see again. At some point, the organization decides to try to kill the bodies to see if the informatical data stay, and the three of them decide to run away on the Internet, so the scientists can’t try this new experiment. They change of appearance, name, and end up in the computer of the BW Agency, and after some misunderstood, end up working for them.

White is glad to have three artificial intelligence helping with her work, she did not remember her software supplier having programs that powerful.

On the meanwhile, Pearl, Shauna, and Green are glad to not be experiments anymore, nor do they mind helping White with her work, though they would like to get their bodies back one day.

And far from the Agency, Platinum, Blue, and X, after a rather strange meeting, end up investigating their friends' mysterious deaths of their friends with the help of Lack-Two.

What do you find in this AU:

When was the last time I saw you; Angst?

Pearl, Shauna, and Green are doing shenanigans. And also end being close friends/found family?

White is also joining them in shenanigans

Funny and light with White and the three “Yes yes we are AI, absolutely not humans!” while the others are more on a dark, crime movie atmosphere

Also, some characters don’t cope well with their friends' deaths

Do we tag Major Character Deaths when someone believes someone else is dead even if it’s not the case and that the reader knows it?

8. Yorozuya no Lack-chan AU

Fics for it: Dogwalker Lack and The Begining of Yorozuya no Lack-Chan

Tag #Yorozuya no Lack-chan AU

Got a drabble request once and ended up doing a whole AU of it because meh why not? Like you can say with the title, it is somehow Gintama inspired.

So basically, at the end of BW2 Lack-two got fired from the International Police and start doing odd jobs for a living. He even created an agency for it, who do any work from you as long that you pay. He even has two employees, who he doesn’t really pay, aka Whi-Two and X. Yeah.

What do you find in this AU:

Furry Neko Sun

Characters being dumb

Do you wanna laugh?

Characters doing odd jobs

9. Legendary Dexholders AU (Will do a post about this one)

Fic for it: Giratina

Tag: #Legendary Dexholders AU

Being an immortal god can be boring after a few thousand years, especially when nothing had happened for a while. And one of the advantages of being a God is to left a copy of yourself while you are wandering around in a human body.

Aka several Legendaries Pokémons decide to just reincarnate in humans and, of course, they had to end up becoming Dexholders and have a complicated life. Well, at least they did not have that much fun since the last drinking contest between Kyogre and Lugia five hundred years ago.

What do you find in this AU:

An AU firstly created to be funny but the only fic I wrote about it ended up being a character study fic

But at the end, the Legendaries Pokémons are just doing shenanigans

Arceus is so done with them

Also feature mainly the main Sinnoh Legendaries Pokémons because I love them but there are also a few others

10. Blonde Family AU

Fics about it: Don't listen to others confessions or you'll end as responsible as them and To be a Cousin

Tag: #Spe Blonde Family AU

What if several blonde characters were related? Aka the AUs where Yellow, Pearl, Bianca, and Y are all cousins, and Emerald is the son of Palmer but neither Em nor Palmet know it until Ruby and Sapphire decide to investigate what happened to Emerald’s parents.

In this AU, you find:

Yellow, Pearl, Bianca, and Y are cousins, pretty close to each other, but when they see each other it usually ends up in a catastrophe

Emerald could not care less about his father because he has a found family but Ruby and Sapphire still decide to investigate (notably to kick their b*** if one of them is still alive and abandoned Emerald).

To Palmer’s defense, it was an adventure before he met Pearl’s mother, and Emerald’s mom ran away without telling him she was pregnant

Either cousins doing dumb cousins stuff together or Ruby and Sapphire going on a hunt to kick Palmer’s a** while Em and Pearl look and eat popcorns.

11. One Piece AU

Fic about it: Bonding on the Grand Line

Tag: #Liya’s Spe One Piece AU

With this AU, we arrive in the AUs that don’t take place in the canon world! The other AUs where all somehow link to the canon world and the canon adventures of the DH, except for the Kagepro number 1. But starting from this one, they all take place in other worlds!

This AU was created for the Pirate Summer Event of the Pokespe Art Community Discord and but I like it so I’ll probably write more about it if I find time to.

So basically, your One Piece AU, that happened 20 years before the death of Gold Roger (so 40 years before Luffy & Co.). To protect his best friends, Pearl ends up becoming a pirate, captain of his own crew (with the Sinnoh Gym Leaders!). And being a pirate on the Grand Line is not always easy.

What do you find in this AU:

Pearl's and Cheren's friendship. I’d die for it.

Pearl, Cheren, and the Sinnohan and Unovan Gym Leaders doing shenanigans

But also a bit of angst because hey, you know me now

Also other characters but I need to plan more their role in this AU

12. Natural Spirits AU (there will be definitely a post about this one)

Tag: Spe Natural Spirits AU

There are two beings on Earth: Humans and Natural Spirits, magical beings close to nature, each one of them being connected to a natural concept. The Natural Spirits stay hide in their cities, with only a few humans knowing their existence, and tend to despise the humans, destroying the planets at a ridiculous rate. But the Natural Spirits society is complicated, and as the human society, is far from perfect.

X, a prodigy Spirits, can’t take the pressure anymore and isolate himself far from his city, near the human town. Whi-Two, another Spirit, have a strange fascination for the humans but never go through the forest and the human town frontier. Until the day when they each meet one human, and befriend them, despite the warnings they had heard since they were children. Hiding that they are not humans, they end up joining their two new friends to a rather strange place call High-school. 

Pearl and Sapphire have rather normal lives. School, homework, friends... But since they met two new people in the forest, things start to become more interesting. Especially with the wave of people trying to take over the world... Wait, what?

What do you find in this AU:

A friendship between four characters who never met in the canon

But all the other DHs and several secondary characters have their roles

And some of them are also Natural Spirits

High-school life

Magic too

Both Humans and Spirits teams trying to take over the world and the four friends had to stop them every time

Also, the Natural Spirits society is like humans one, very far from perfect

Secret identity problems like hiding to your human friends that you can actually speak to mushrooms.

13. Ducktales AU (Will have a post because there is so much to say about this one)

Tag: Spe Ducktales AU

Ducktales, Woo-Ooo!

I love Ducktales. I have been hyperobsessing on it recently, so of course, I had to make an AU out of it! Special thanks to Vex who supported my random brainstorming in her DMs.

So... Basically, once upon a time, the richest Duck of the world, Prof McWak, had four grandchildren, two pairs of siblings: Green and Blue, and Red and Yellow. Like any normal family, on their weekends they used to go on ancient temples with deadly traps and fight monsters to get new treasures. When Prof McWak died, the four cousins, now young adults, continue to go on adventures, while Red, Yellow, and Green found their own families. But everything ends one day when, following some disastrous event, Yellow disappears, more likely to be dead. The three left cousins argue and end up splitting up, Blue founding her own company, Green becoming the CEO of their grandfather empire, and Red leaving with his new-hatched son and Yellow’s egg, never contacting his cousins again.

Ten years later, Diamond and Pearl, two cousins who grew up as brothers, accidentally break into the infamous McWak Enterprise CEO manor and met his oldest daughter, Platinum. After she brought them in a self-proclaimed adventure, when the trio became good friends, they have the surprise to find that first, Diamond’s Dad/Pearl’s “Uncle” Red and Platinum’s Father Green are actually cousins and that since they blew up Red’s houseboat during their adventures, they now get to live in the McWak Manor.

What happens next is history.

What do you find in this AU:

The Kanto quartet, the Sinnoh Trio, and Moon being all relatives because FAMILY TROPE YEAH

Pearl and chibi sassy Moon investigating Yellow’s disappearance

Family, Humor, Adventures, Angst AU

Red and Green need to learn how to communicate

Also, Sinnoh Trio adventures because those three are too precious

It’s all for the moment! I’ll probably add more AUs as I’ll inevitably create more. Thank you for reading this AU Masterpost!

[auberose]

So, I’ve finished season 5 of Supernatural and I have some thoughts I wanted to write down.

It was a really good season and a hell of a rollercoaster between comedy and some really tragic moments.

The tragedy mostly came from Dean who, more than ever, expressed his suicidal tendancies. When he broke down in tears begging for help after meeting Famine, I was so sad for him. I want him to be wrapped in fluffies blankets with the biggest hug on the planet.

The whole time travel plot is not really my thing and it confused me a lot. I felt like there were 2 differents spn writers : one saying that John Winchester is “the greatest dad who was right to train his sons, we forgive him, he loves them blabla” and the other saying that John Winchester was an abusive bastard. Make up your mind spn, what are you trying to say ??? I’m onboard with the “abusive father” so stop confusing everything. Also, some disturbing addition are brought about it : John and Mary’s paring that was “made” by angels while they didn’t like each other at all at first, and then the scene where Dean is comforting his mom at 4yo after she had a really bad fight with John ? Uuuuh I’m not having a good vibe from all this you know ?

Sam was less on screen this season and I’m happy with it since the last one was very focused on him. I like the “addict” theme for him, it’s interesting. I just wish we got more gratefulness from him towards Dean. He’s not responsible for Dean raising him but a little thank you and more kindness would be nice.

Very unhappy about Ellen and Jo deaths. Wow the two girls who can maybe dare say they’re supportive characters are both killed in the same episode for a stupid reason in the most stupid way ? Your mysoginy is showing Spn. also stop making all girls love interest, Jo was like a little sister, seeing her kissing Dean was very disturbing.

I so love the evolution of Castiel as a character. He’s perfect between serious business and fun, especially with Dean. I love him and I love their moments together they’re hilarious. In Famine episode, when Dean’s calling him Hamburgler, “Did you triy to stop ?” and Castiel answering “I’m an angel I can’t stop whenever I want”... I laughed so hard at that. Reminded me Pikachu from the live action movie, addict to coffee with his “I can stop whenever I want, these are just choices”. Also, the scene where he kicks Dean’s ass was awesome !

Hands up to the best entrance of the show, aka Death ! Castiel’s first time on screen was great, he was really badass, but Death... it was legendary. I’m so relieved because honestly I found the others horsemen forgettable, like any other demons. War was a complete joke, Pestilence is just a mad disgusting doctor, and Famine.. Famine was a bit better but not enough. Death was incredible.

Next to him, I’m a bit disappointed in Lucifer. I like the charming and chill aspect of him but again, not charismatic enough to make me really feel “Wow it’s the Devil himself”. Missing a little spark here.

I’m not convinced by Dean’s end at all in this season. He goes to Lisa who is his great love or something ? We saw that girl like twice in 5 seasons ??? I had completely forgot about her, she was just another one of those girls the Winchesters kiss in half the towns they visit. Bela had more screen time. Ruby had more screen time. Hell, even Meg had more screen time. Dean didn’t even talked about her, just in passing like that, on the road, between two missions. Show me she’s important, instead of just dropping it from nowhere because it’s convenient.

I guess it was needed to symbolize a reset of some kind. If there are 10 more seasons, you can’t just keep escalating when you’re already at the apocalypse. You need to reset the show to a status quo less hyped. I also guess that something is gonna disturb Dean’s life in season 6 and for some reason he won’t be able to keep seeing Lisa because otherwise he won’t have a reason to keep hunting. Same way John Watson can’t stay happily married because then he doesn’t go with Sherlock and the show is stuck. I just hope she doesn’t die like Jessica, becoming another woman in the fridge among all the others, ending up as a motivation for Dean.

So far, I really like the show despite its flaws. A lot of it are not important to me, there are only 2 that I find really problematic : the treatment of female characters, and the lecture of John Winchester. Those put aside, it was a very good season and I’m gonna keep on watching because I feel fond of the characters and their stories. Time to end this (way too long) post and start season 6.

(Also they have a problem with daddy issues in this show damn)

(And Chuck is probably God)

[absolutcoca]

I didn't like the first episode of the second season of ODAAT and that’s why

I'm engaging through a very tricky battle right now and ready to get all the hate you guys have to give me but first let me explain.

“The turn”

That's its name. I suppose it was meant to strike us, to makes us want to watch the next episode and as always, feel appalled but also relieved that what was weighing upon us had finally words put on it.

This episode is principally talking about racism and the way we react to it, which, in this regard, makes a very accurate analysis. Indeed, I am very thankful for it to exist, because it does depict our society and the different characters that live in it, in a quite faithful way. 

 Though, ODAAT is not only a slice-of-life show, it is also a “teaching” show, that makes us realise the way we could or should live in a healthy family, in this society. It is not only a show to laugh at, this is a true “bildungsroman”, but in the Friends format. 

So, what is bothering me?

you don’t care? too bad for you my opinion is very important

I was surprised, in this episode, being annoyed by the way Schneider was considered and also by the moral of this story overall.

What a cool reaction, Elena. Showing your support and amazement about him taking interest in your culture. (yeah she gets a bit on my nerves) [...]

(bilingual. he’s dumb and knows it)

(and she can’t take a joke)

[...]

same, buddy.

Schneider, that weirdo with the sad rich syndrome, who somehow is welcomed in this Cuban-American family, happens to know spanish better than Elena, the daughter. He’s proud of himself (and so I am) and the waiter is happy to speak Spanish with a fellow bilingual. He says he’s bi, and she gets offended. Nothing was dangerous or insulting out there, chill girl. Anyway, regular Elena stuff.

it IS. IT FUCKING IS

Schneider tries so fucking hard. Like, he didn’t have any sense of what a family is for real other than the fact he was covered in gold. Being poor is an ocean of pain, but you know how the saying goes, money and situation can’t fulfill you as a person, and thus, he found fulfillment in this family.

So, he’s learning everything. He wish he hadn’t naively said that racism couldn’t exist in LA, because as a white person that has no problem with difference, who would even fight for it, he tends to forget racism exists.

Okay so now the whole “white” thing. 

Stereotypes are for everyone, some suffer truly from it, some not, and this is determined by the fact you were born looking like settlers (or being their descendants) or looking like who was persecuted by settlers (or, being their descendants). Now we all agree, violences are, in this western world, perpetrated by those who look like settlers, against those who look like those who were persecuted by settlers. Long story short, you get me, white people against whoever is not a white, christian, cis, straight, blabla, you know the drill.

This was taken as a joke, because come on Schneider, are you really living hell corresponding to all of the societal criterias? Of course not. But what I don’t understand is that tendency to reverse, just as grudge would, the effects of racism against POC. This “them and us” tendency, when Schneider here only tries to show empathy, to be part of the fight. He’s kind of not considered as an “ally” as you say out there, and that’s a problem.

I mean, Penelope is just being salty like. “I don’t know where these stereotypes come from”, when the episode begins with a proud:

which is so fucking cliché! and so fucking fine!!! because they KNOW they’re being stereotypical, and it hurts no one, they are being happy and proud about it. But get me: all stereotypes have some kind of basis. The real problem comes when those sterotypes are changed into weapons. Very easy to hurt when it touches the heart, very easy to make you feel not at home. 

It’s kind of reccurrent in the show that Schneider, trying to show his support, is being silently shut down, because of his priviledged situation. Yeah no, he can’t relate, but he tries, at his level, and maybe what he feels is not the same kind of pain, but you have no right to invalidate it.

Generally speaking, the dirty looks/talk to the most privileged ones arise, meaning: “you don’t welcome us, we’re not acknowledging you either”. Basically, doing the exact same shit the persecutors did/do, assuming that if they look like persecutors, they probably are, when people could actually want to USE their privilege to help fighting for equality rights.

Any ways, it’s kind of not okay reducing someone to their skin colour, building a whole mockery list out of it and invalidating them showing support. Reducing someone to some of their aspects is literal discrimination (not discrimination as in the big word including persecutions, okay? the literal definition.). Even if it’s white.

out of context but well fucking said.

But actually all of this is me just being petty. The true problem comes with the end of the episode.

Some random guy asking them to keep quiet inside an icecream shop, really unpredictable when they are basically screaming.

Then Penelope decides that she’s not happy someone said fiesta/asked them to shut it down a bit.

...aaaand that’s beside the point.

He never said they didn’t have the right to be here, and being the owner or not doesn’t change the fact they aren’t allowed to have whatever attitude they want to have in a public space. That could have come from a latinx/poc! So he just reiterates:

[...]

He admitted it wasn’t a smart move. But then she’s insisting on the bad clichés when he said nothing but fiesta. I’m sorry but this “Arriba!” thing makes her pass off as a crazy latina lady. It was particularly unnecessary. 

And, they were actually throwing kind of a party so what. He’s not telling them to get out of here and he didn’t attacked them “other than” using a spanish word when they were clearly screaming spanish words in an opened-to-public ice cream shop. I would have done the same. Anyone would have.

and thats when I made the same fucking face. He didn’t stereotype anyone for God’s sake.

Still making the same face like lmao. You get the right to be a “little racist” but when they come saying something NOT racist, like, “fiesta” to a bunch of spanish screaming people, you lose your shit? Not only it’s not credible at all, she’s also making a fool of herself by throwing a fit to someone asking them to tone down in a public space. One person's freedom ends where another's begins. This attitude was welcomed in a sports event, just as in the beginning, but not in a café which is natural.

And so, no, it was NOT awesome. That was disappointing and did not give much credit to their fight. Penelope is not aiming her anger to the right people here.

Other than that, the moments talking about how words hurt, and the talk Alex and Penelope had made me cry. Still really love this show.

~*end of my very important opinion on this episode, love*~

[a-strange-world]

I Lost My Grace - Chapter 2

Summary : When an angel becomes human, there’s a lot to learn and discover. For him, but for you too.

Pairing : Future Castiel x Reader ?

Word count : 2,140

Warnings : None.

[Note 1 : Okay, first of all, this is my first fanfic that I post on tumblr so pleaaase be indulgent. Also, I apologize if there are spelling mistakes or agreement errors or whatever else. I’m a french woman and I don’t have a perfect level in english, but I would love to improve it. So, if there is any mistake, just let me know and I’ll correct it :)

Note 2 : I wanted to try something in this chapter about the way of writing (check the italic and bold type text (some sentences are from the original script by the way, not mine)). The scene is very clear in my mind but I don’t know if I transcribed it well. I hope you’ll understand what I wanted to do. In any case, don’t hesitate to tell me if it’s comprehensible or not.

Note 3 : Okay, I stop the “blabla” now and let you read the chapter ! :) I hope you’ll enjoy it. I’ll try to post the next as soon as I can ! Oh and don’t hesitate to send a feedback ! I would be glad to know what you’re thinking about the chapter. I wish you a nice reading ❤ ]

Cas is human.

You couldn't realize it. Castiel, angel of the Lord, who had saved Dean from Hell and Sam from madness, who had fought by your side against demons, leviathans and even angels, was now human.

His face suddenly popped in your mind. Those eyes. Once again, you could see so many things in them.

Distress. Pain. Emptiness. Your own old demons.

You hated the fact that Castiel had to feel all these terrible feelings. He didn't deserve all this suffering and most of all he hadn't been prepared for that. You didn't know how he would react but you were sure about one thing : it wouldn't be good. You knew too well these feelings and their consequences. You had experienced them before and they hadn't been a good phase of your life. Not at all. You just hoped that Castiel would not live what you did.

At the thought, you instantly felt your eyes getting wet and you bit your bottom lip, trying to control yourself. Not now (Y/N).

You focused on your breathe, letting in and out the air in your lungs very slowly and finally managed to get back your composure.

That's better. You thought to yourself. I have to be strong. For him. He will need the three of us to overcome this situation.

You paused a moment, starting to remember all the hard times he went through. Lilith, the apocalypse, the civil war in heaven, the purgatory... He had survived to everything.

He is brave and strong and good. Being human will not change anything of that. He will survive to this too. And I'll be there for him, like I'm here for Sam and Dean. I'll pay attention to every single of his needs. I will do everything I can to help him and he will be ok. Everything will be o-

The sound of footsteps approaching suddenly cut your thoughts and you blinked a couple of times, knowing that it would help you to come back to reality. Then you looked down at your hands to see that without even realizing it, you had finished the batter's preparation.

"So, what are you cooking for us, little head chef ?" Dean asked while he rubbed his hand against the top of your head, causing your bun to get messy. You faked to grumble in frustration, hiding your smile from Dean. You didn't want him to know that you loved when he did that. That it conforted you and made you feel really part of their family, like a little sister.

You felt Sam coming closer to you and watching over your left shoulder. "Flour, eggs, milk..." He started to enumerate, noticing all the ingredients that were placed on the countertop. "Oh wait, I think I know." He started to say proudly. "Is that-"

"Salty pancakes !" You said joyfully, knowing well that the boys loved that recipe.

"Oh God bless you ! And pancakes too !" Dean exclaimed, raising his fist toward the sky after having kissed it.

"You. Are. The best." Sam stated with a big grin.

You chuckled at their reactions.

"I thought that it would be a good..." Your voice lowered. "first meal for Cas." You ended your sentence in a whisper, the words hurting your throat and the memories hurting your heart.

"Of course it is, (Y/N)."

You raised your head to look at Sam who was smiling at you. You perfectly knew this smile, this look, this face. He knew. And he knew you knew he knew. He always guessed your feelings. It was like this with Sam. He had this "super" empathy that made you feel naked but safe at the same time. And more you tried to hide your emotions, better he understood what was happening in your head. It was destabilizing at first but you were now used to be an open book to him. He wasn't your friend for nothing after all.

"So." Sam said, changing the subject on purpose. "Do you need help ?"

You faked to think about the proposition before answering. "Actually yes. Dean, can you take care of bacon's and egg's cooking ?" You asked him.

"Sir, yes sir !" He said abruptly, saluting you military way what made you smile.

"And Sam, what about making some salad with it ?" You suggested, exchanging a knowing look with him.

"Oh no !" Dean suddenly spoke before Sam could say anything. "Please, don't tell me that this meal will contain some green healthy things." The eldest brother said, looking desperate.

"Haha, I think it will !" Sam replied, winking at you.

"Compromises Dean. Compromises." You said with a laugh.

You perfectly knew that all of this was just an act. Smiling, joking like nothing had happened earlier. In fact, it had always been your way to escape the reality and its hard times. Sometimes the three of you simply needed to relax and think about anything else that the daily crap. And today you really needed that. Castiel really needed that.

You felt your heart clenching at the thought

"How is he going ?" You asked to Dean with sad eyes.

"I..." Dean sighed. "I don't know, it's hard to tell." He went to the fridge and opened it, searching for the bacon's box. "I explained him how to use the shower, how to regulate the water temperature, how much use shampoo etc. I think we'll have to do that with everything now." He suddenly straightened up, his head only poking out above the door fridge. "And before you too are saying anything, I tell you : I won't be the one who will explain how to flush the toilet !" He said, laughing a little while returning to his task.

A sad smile crossed your face, knowing that behind the joke, Dean was really concerned about his friend. Humor was his best defense against any emotional stuff.

"Ah got it !" He suddenly exclaimed, finally finding the box. "Anyway. I think it won't be easy. When I left him, he seemed still in shock. I never saw him like that before."

"Yeah. Me neither." You replied quietly.

You saw Dean contorting himself as he was going deeper in the fridge. He muttered something inaudible - where you just heard the words "Damn it !" and "this shit" - then he finally get out of it with a bag in his hands, a disgusted expression on his face.

"Ew..." He said while putting the salad in Sam's hands.

You shook your head and smiled at his funny behavior while Sam rolled his eyes.

"You're really a lost cause, ya know." Sam said what made you giggle.

The three of you were going to focus on your respective task when you realized that something were missing for doing yours.

"Oh Sam, wait ! Just before you start, can you grab me the frying pan please ?" You didn't wait more of 4 seconds until he was handing it to you.

"Thank you." You said to him as you grasped the pot. But instead of letting go of the pan like he would have to, Sam had a tight hold on it. Slightly destabilizing by the unexpected force, you looked at him to discover that he was totally still, his gaze locked on something unmaterial in front of him.

"Sam ? You're okay ?" You asked, suddenly worried.

Dean moved in front of his brother. "Sammy ! Hey !" He said, starting to shake his left shoulder with one hand.

"Yes, Sam is fine." Sam finally answered with a neutral tone while putting the pan on the countertop.

There was one second of silence during time seemed suspended, before Sam's eyes moved again and fixed on you and Dean. His face wasn't reflected any emotion, it was just like a stone. Hard, cold and empty. That's when you understood what was going on. Ezekiel.

"Ezekiel." Dean repeated your thought out loud. "You know that we discussed about this, don't ever do it like tha-"

"Castiel cannot stay here." Ezekiel proclaimed, cutting Dean off.

The statement made you freeze. Your heart skipped a beat as you instinctively held your breathe, your body's reactions following the state of shock of your brain.

In the corner of your eyes, you saw Dean shaking his head then frowning. "Wait what ?" He said, not believing what he just heard, just like you.

"Castiel cannot stay here." The angel repeated patiently. "He will bring the angels down on all of us."

Your eyes fixed upon the angel again and all your suspicion about him came back to the point.

"No, no, he's got the Enochian tattoo. He's warded."

You never trusted him. You just couldn't.

"He was warded when some angels found him, and tried to kill him."

There was something in him that was bothering you.You didn't know what exactly.

"Yes, I know that, but this is Cas, okay, who vouched for you when I didn't know you from Jack. The bunker is safe."

Of course, Dean have had his own doubts when you first met Ezekiel. You two agreed about one thing : there was no coincidence. You couldn't believe that just when you needed it, an angel just presented himself right away with a solution, without any ulterior motive. It was way too good to be true.

"Bartholomew is massing a force. We cannot stand an incursion. Castiel is in danger, and if he is here, I am in danger."

But the strange situation wasn't really what setted you thinking. It was more a feeling. A terrible bad feeling that was eating you away since the first day.

"Wait, you're in danger? From who, the angels?"

You couldn't explain it but you were deeply convinced that there was something wrong with the angel.

"If he stays, I am afraid I will have no choice but to leave."

You couldn't explain it but you always felt that something were...

"Oh, no, you can't do that. Sam's not well enough. If you leave his body..."

... fake.

"I know. I am sorry."

The last words suddenly cut your thoughts and brought you back to reality. You felt your checks starting to burn red, anger flewing through your veins. Sorry ? He was sorry ?

“Okay, that's enough." You interrupted them. "Listen to me carefully, Zeke !” You said with a revolted face when your mouth prononced his name. “I don't know what's on your mind and what you're planning but let me tell you that." You made a pause to let some air filling your empty lungs. "YES, we need you to heal Sam and bring him back in one piece. YES, you are our last hope for this. But NO, this act doesn’t give you the right to order that Castiel has to leave. HE is our friend. Don’t forget that YOU are still alive only because we need you to keep SAM alive ! I could simply kill you right now !" You finally said, raising your blade from under your top and placing it on Sam's throat.

You detected a slight flinch coming from Ezekiel but he didn't let anything appear on his face. And as your gazes were silently fighting, you could feel your own eyes slowly getting wet due to the outpouring of emotions.

"Wow wow, (Y/N). Hey, calm down okay ?" Dean spoke to you quietly while grabbing carefully your hand to push it away from his brother's body.

"I am calm. I just want to be sure that this stupid and selfish angel understands well my thought." You replied, still holding the gaze of the angel.

You felt Dean's hand slowly pulling yours, forcing you to step back.

"Threatening me will not change anything (Y/N)." Ezekiel said, looking at you emotionless. He then turned toward the older brother and stated once again. "If Castiel stays, I will leave."

The ultimatum let Dean voiceless. You could read so easily his pain on his features as he didn't know what to do. Castiel, his best friend. Sam, his brother.

"Know what ? I'm done with it !" You intervened just as he was opening his mouth to speak. "We won't choose between the two of them. If Cas has to go, then I'll go with him ! I will not let him all alone, especially now. This is the time when he most needs us." You paused, looking at both of them. "I guess that everybody will agree with this." You concluded in a low voice.

You then turned toward the countertop to finish cooking the pancakes, not wanting to talk to the angel anymore.

"I suggest Sam should look after Cas to see if he's okay." Dean said to Ezekiel and you heard footsteps moving away from the kitchen.

Tag list : @thehoneybeecastielfollows

[surveyjunkie]

Have you ever disliked someone just because a friend disliked them? Honestly, yes. And it wasn’t a friend, it was a few people in my boyfriend’s family who told me to avoid his sister in law. Then once I got to know her and the situation better, I realized that it was mostly a bunch of bullshit and felt bad for judging or forming opinions prematurely.

Which would you rather own: A camera or a video camera. Why? A camera

Have you ever won a lot of money in a slot machine? How much? I think the most I’ve ever won is 60 bucks. 

Do you watch sport on TV even though you aren’t a sporty person yourself? I don’t really ever watch sports unless my brother in law has it on in the living room. 

Do you eat / drink at your computer? Always. I keep a stash of Lindor chocolates at my desk because I’m fat. 

How much do you overeat at special occasions? (Birthdays, Christmas, etc) If it’s a potluck type situation I always tend to overeat. 

The music you listen to: Is it mostly sung by female or male vocalists? More male usually because I tend to listen to a lot of classic or alternative rock, and most of the lead singers are male.

Do you think it’s important to enjoy your job or do you just work for money? It’s definitely important to enjoy what you do, or at least not dread coming into work. Obviously I am not working my dream job at the moment, but I look forward to going in, I have a lot of free time to work on homework, and I like the people I work with which is more I can say about my last position.

Do you require glasses / contacts to see properly? If so, which do you use? I am almost completely blind without my glasses. I use both, but mostly my glasses.

Tell me an embarrassing thing that happened to you recently: The other day when I was working in the ER I accidentally crashed my cart into a patient’s wheelchair. I LITERALLY STARTED CRYING BECAUSE I WAS SO HUMILIATED.

When you hear your voice back on a recording, do you think it sounds awful? Yep, I hate the way my voice sounds. But I’ll need to get over it if I want to start recording videos.

When was the last time you got the hiccups? I don’t remember

If you had to, which record would you go into Guinness World Records for? Most amount of dogs ever. Lol.

The last sweet thing you ate: What was it? A lindor truffle. About to smash this cake though. 

If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I’d change my last name but I’m cool with my first.

Do you have a middle name? Do you find it embarrassing? No, I actually like my middle name.

What would you choose to be famous for? Probably YouTube famous, because I could make a living off it but I wouldn’t have to worry about tabloids or paparazzi. 

What is your current occupation? Do you enjoy it? I’m a patient registrar for the X-ray department of a hospital and a full time grad student. I really enjoy both!

Do / Did you enjoy school? Why (not)? Loved middle school, wasn’t a huge fan of high school. There was way too much drama and animosity in high school. 

If you have a webcam, are you ever paranoid people can see you? I’ve never really been paranoid about that but I know a lot of people that are. My mom has hers taped over.

Do you find it difficult to sleep at night? Any reason(s) why? Lol every single night. Idk man, my body just doesn’t like sleep.

If you had to go on a game show, which would you choose? The Price is Right. 

What about if you had to go on a reality show? Which would you choose then? Oh god I don’t think I would. They love making people look bad!

Tell me about your favourite TV show: Better Call Saul! I’m a terrible fan though because I still have yet to watch the new season.

Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Why? Nah. Like I know it’s easier to be a guy and blabla but I actually enjoy being a girl and doing girly things. Lol.

If you had dental braces, which colour would you make them? When I had them in high school, they were teal. If I had them now I would probably just choose silver. 

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Where and why? No

Have you ever found the jokes in Christmas crackers genuinely funny? Umm. 

Why were you last irritated? I was hormonal yesterday and everything was irritating me.

What time did you get up this morning? Around 7:40 for work.

The last city you were in: Where was it and do you like it there? The last city I visited was my hometown. I guess it’s alright. Lol.

Do you like the countryside? Yes

If you see someone yawn, do you often yawn as well? Sometimes

Recommend me a good movie: The Place Beyond The Pines

Do you think you’d make a good model? Would you ever want to be one? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. 

How often do you change your hairstyle? What does it look like now? Rarely. It’s almost always in a half bun with side swept bangs. Sometimes I alternate from wavy to straight though.

Truth or Dare? Truth

Do you have a favourite day of the week? Which is it? Saturday. I don’t have to work and I can sleep in that day and stay up at night.

[assbuttyourlife]

When We Were Young - Chapter Thirty

Pairing : Misha/OFC

Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Sexual content. Violence. Non Con/Threats of rape. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.

Words : 3522

Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.

This story is also available on AO3

Tags : @jhudawnareeves

Drop an ask if you wanna be tagged :)

CHAPTER 30 - DEJA VU

Northfield – June 29th 1990

The sun just appeared at the horizon, offering a stunning show of colorful waves among the foliage.

In the cabin near the pond, Lily had just woken up, gently pushing Misha's arm away from her waist so she could get up and admire the beautiful morning light. She yawned and looked down at him, he was still sleeping silently. She smiled... he was so beautiful. She was so damn happy.

She walked out of the cabin barefoot, stepped on the cold and moist wooden pier, walked all along and sat at the very end, putting her feet in the chilly water.

It was one of those summer mornings, at the time of the day when the air was still a bit cold and humid on her skin, and when the nature was waking up. The frogs and the crickets were getting more silent, but the birds were chirping louder all around her already.

It was safe and peaceful. She was so, SO damn happy.

She stretched, extending her arms as high as she could, then she laid back down on the pier, observing the colorful sky above her with a smile, breathing the fresh air deeply. It would be a great day today, there was not even a single cloud to stain the perfect sky.

“Stunning view!” she heard Misha's sleepy voice behind her. She sat up and looked back, he had just woken up and was slowly walking towards her on the pier, barefoot too, wearing only his boxers, his eyes still red and puffy from the night, his hair in a great mess as always, but damn was he beautiful! Anybody else would've wondered who the hell was that boy and what he was doing in this property looking like he was out of the woods after months living like a hermit, but for Lily, no one could make her happier at this moment, and there was no one else as handsome as he was in her eyes.

That thought made her laugh.

“Yeah.” she smiled at him. “I wanted to see the sun rising to celebrate the beginning of summer vacation. It definitely is stunning.”

He walked right behind her and crouched to quickly kiss her lips.

“I wasn't talking about the sky.” he confessed in a whisper.

She scoffed and turned to face him, allowing him to take her in his arms.

“Lily, you're cold! Go get dressed.”

“Says the half-naked guy... I'm fine.” she protested snuggling in his warmth.

She was dressed… kinda. She was wearing a T-shirt and her panties, that was supposed to be enough for a summer day. Misha rubbed his hands over her bear arms giving her goosebumps.

“Come on Lily, you wouldn't want to get sick for summer, would you?”

She huffed a laugh. “I'm a big girl, don't worry, daddy.”

“You teasing brat.” he gently pinched her waist making her giggle. “Are you ready for today?”

She sighed. She'd forgotten about today...

“Do I really have to do this today?” she whined.

“Lily... you promised me.”

True... she promised she would tell her mother that they were engaged. But really she didn't want to. Not because she didn’t love Misha enough to make it official, it was quite the opposite actually, but she was terrified because she knew exactly how it would turn out, what she would say (or scream…), and it would probably end in tears, with both women pouting, not talking to each other for weeks because she’s insouciant and blinded by love and too young and blabla blahh.

“Can't we do it at the end of summer? Before going back to school... if I'm grounded at least it won't ruin my vacation. She will get insane, I know it.” she asked him hopeful, still hidden in his chest.

Misha pulled away to study her. He knew Lily’s mother would not be surprised since actually, she already knew and was just waiting for her daughter to trust her enough to talk to her.

“Why would she? She knows me, right? I know I'm not the ideal step-son for her daughter but still... or... maybe... is it because you're having second thoughts? Or you said yes just to please me but you weren't serious... you can tell me, you know. I'll understand.”

There... she did it again. She hurt his feelings because she was a coward…

“Nooo!” she framed his face with her hands, looking into his saddened blue eyes. That same dark, deep, hurting sadness she always saw in him since he was nine years old. The feeling he wasn't worthy, or good enough to be his friend, boyfriend... or husband. That shameful, self-loathing look that always made her want to slap herself for being so selfish.

“Misha, no.” she declared with a firm voice, squeezing her hands a little on his face to prove her point. “I am serious about this, and I definitely want to be your wife.”

She pulled his face closer to kiss him deeply.

“I love you. Don't you ever doubt that.”

He swallowed but finally smiled. “I love you too.”

She sighed closing her eyes. “I'm just terrified of her reaction. That's all.”

“You sound like she's evil... don't you think you're overreacting here?”

He knew the answer to that question already. Lily was the champion of overreaction. The queen. Plus he definitely knew that Mary was already aware of his proposal since Mr Adams went to tell her when he surprised him carving the tree. She was totally okay with it, just waiting for her daughter to talk to her. Obviously she wasn't that trustful at the moment...

“Why wouldn't she be happy for you? For us!”

“Because we're barely sixteen, we even haven't finished high-school yet, and she will say it's too young to take such a huge commitment. Ugh! I can already hear her in my head!”

“And that's why we're waiting after college. No big deal. Do I have to remind you that your parents got married at 18? And that you were born when she was only 20? Maybe you should… I don’t know… trust her a little more?”

He was right. He was so right... How come Misha was always right? That wasn't fair! Still she couldn't find the guts to tell her today, the day was too beautiful for that.

“Okay... I'll tell you what: she has to drive Ryan and Sasha to Greenfield today, but tomorrow we've planned to go dress-shopping together. I'll tell her then, deal? Not today. Please Misha... not today.”

She hugged him tight, fearing his reaction too now, but was relieved when she felt him sigh in defeat.

“Fine. But if you don't talk to her tomor-”

“I will. I definitely will. Cross my heart!” she smiled and kissed him one more time, slowly leading him back to the cabin.

She didn't know that this beautiful morning would be the last she would spend in Misha's arms for a very long time. She couldn't figure that this would be the last day she would see her mother, that it was her last chance to tell her she had found the man she would spend the rest of her life with before her whole family, her house, her dreams, her hopes would turn into a nightmare of flames and ashes.

**********

Northfield's cemetery –  June 29th 2017

When she dreamed about her wedding day, Lily pictured it at the farm, she of course dreamed Misha would be the one, and her family would be here with her, happy for them.

But dreams don't always come true, or at least not exactly the way we picture them.

She didn't think a second she would be here, in front of her family's grave, the day before she would marry Misha, to bring flowers and talk to them through a tombstone, more than two decades after they got engaged.

She wanted to say a million things, mostly that she loved them and she was sorry, but she felt a bit stupid here, standing alone before that... piece of stone. She wanted to tell them how much she missed them, how she would give everything to have them here with her tomorrow, how happy she was to marry Misha but how devastated she felt not to have them with her to celebrate.

Misha's family was already here. But hers... she had none. Not a single soul left to walk her down the aisle. Oh how she wished she could grip her dad's arm tomorrow! How she wished her mom and nanny could be here to get her ready, to take pictures... but no... she would have no pictures of her with her family on her wedding day.

And Ryan... how would Ryan look today? Would he be married too? She could even have nieces or nephews today if only...

“Hey.”

She jumped from her thoughts.

“Sorry, I didn't wanna scare you. You okay?” Misha walked next to her and Lily immediately fell in his warm embrace, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

“Yeah... yeah I'm good. It's just in moments like these that-”

“I know. I wish they were here too.”

She looked up at him and smiled tenderly, her chin resting on his chest, her arms firmly squeezing his waist.

“You were right, Misha... I shouldn't have waited that long back in 1990. I would give anything to be sixteen again and tell my mom we're getting married.” she confessed. “I would love to hear her scream at me that I'm too young and that I need to think about my education first.” she laughed bitterly. “She would also have yelled when I would've told her you'd want to be an actor... my god I can hear her saying it's not a safe job, that it's reckless and dangerous to live like that...”

Misha chuckled “reckless? You're loaded! You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth! Where the hell is the risk?”

Lily feigned being shocked, her mouth hanging open.

“Who's gonna walk you down tomorrow?”

“Sorry….” she smiled and kissed him teasingly. “No spoiler”.

“Okay I get it, I'm too curious. Do you need more time here or do we go back now? My dad can't wait to meet you.”

She looked back at her family's grave and sighed, brought two fingers at her lips before brushing them against the golden letters carved in the tombstone. “Hagen's Family”.

“I love you”. She whispered to them and looked back at Misha with teary eyes. “Let's go.”

He rubbed a hand on her back affectionately and led her to the car.

Time to meet papa Krushnic.

***

Lily always thought Misha got his goodness side from his mother, but meeting his father made her realize both his parents were true angels on earth.

She met Richard Krushnic at the farm, where everybody was staying until the big day tomorrow. He was so nice it was almost hard to believe. They talked for a long moment in the backyard, just the two of them, mostly about Misha's childhood.

That was a delicate subject to speak with Misha when he was young. Lily knew he was hurt by the fact his parents were so far away from each other, not talking, and the few times they did, they were mostly fighting.

Maybe that's why Misha was so close to Lily's grandfather, always at his house doing any kind of work or out in town to go shopping with him, or outside just hiking. He needed the father figure, and he knew it was impossible with his own father living so far away from Northfield. He just needed the stability, the “normalcy” of her family. At least until Mr Hagen died when they were 13, which literally broke Misha's heart.

Richard even apologized to her for not being here when his sons needed him, but he was immensely grateful her family had been.

“You're here now, that's what matters, right?” Lily had said when she saw his eyes getting red. “I know he’s grateful for that.” She gave him a hug and just like that, Richard understood why Misha was unable to stay away from her, and why his life crushed when he thought she'd died.

She never realized, but Misha had quite a big family. Thank God the farm was restored enough to allow a lot of people to stay. Lily and Misha were staying in the cottage.

Once more, it made the void of her own family even bigger. Richard was here with his wife and his two daughters, Misha's step-sisters (that she also never met before, just saw a few pictures.) No need to say the whole property was full with kids running everywhere, people greeting and laughing all around her. It was even a bit overwhelming.

Darius was here with his wife and kids, Sasha of course (who was naturally Misha's witness and best man), with his family too. Jensen, Jared, and Cliff, were of course present with families and kids, among a few other friends that she didn't even know yet. Even Vicki stopped by to leave West and Maison at the farm and went to stay in town with Rachel despite Lily's protests. She would be here tomorrow though, and again, she thought there couldn't be a more amazing woman on earth.

On Lily's side though… it was only Katie and David. With no kids yet... but Katie was now 7 months pregnant so it was a matter of time. And that was it right now... two people. Three if you counted Dr Dorville who was supposed to arrive on the evening. Three people that changed (and probably saved) her life after she left this place completely broken.

Four if she counted Darius, who was one of her best friends too when she was young (despite the fact that he was always messing with her and Misha!) so technically he was here for both of them.

“And finally I found the bride. Everybody's looking for you.” Katie's voice resonated among the quietness of the pond where Lily went to find some peace.

She looked up from her reverie and smiled at her best friend, her sister, walking towards her on the decorated pier. There were flowers and ribbons everywhere, among lights that were not lit yet, because this was the place Misha and her chose to get married. It made sense, it couldn't be somewhere else. Lights that of course Lily insisted would NOT be candles despite Katie's vigorous protestations!!

When she stepped near Lily at the end of the pier, she laboriously sat next to her to sink her feet in the water too.

“Oh my God this was not easy with that freaking whale belly.” she panted making Lily chuckle. “Eww it still smells like vase in here.”

“I kinda like the smell now.” Lily confessed. It reminded her of good times.

“You’re aware Misha is looking for you everywhere and he's ready to call the cops, the FBI and the US Air Force, thinking you disappeared again, right?”

Lily rolled her eyes “And he wouldn't think of me being here? Come on it's the first place he would check, you're exaggerating Katie.”

Both women turned at the same time when they heard Misha's voice behind them:

“Barely, I just hung up with Mister Secretary of Homeland Security. He’s on his way.” he slowly walked toward the women, an amused look on his face.

“Ladies...” he greeted them with a nod and crouched down “am I interrupting?”

“You are!” Katie whined “I just got here and it took me five minutes to sit down here so don't you dare tell me I have to go for you two to talk alone or I swear to God I'll cry.”

Misha chuckled “Take it easy Katie, I just wanted to make sure everything was fine since nobody saw her for a while.”

Lily placed her hand on Misha's “I'm fine. I just needed time away from the constant screaming of kids. I'll be back soon.”

“Okay. I'll be in the farm. Everybody's ready for dinner. Love ya.”

“Love you too.” he left a quick peck on her lips before getting up and walking away from them.

“Aww you twoooo!” Lily turned to look at Katie who was now... crying?

“Katie! what's wrong? Are you in pain? Don't you dare deliver your baby too early on my wedding weekend!”

“Nooo I'm fine! You two are just so cute I can't! Stupid hormones are making me emotional! Ugh, I'm not gonna survive tomorrow...”

Lily scoffed looking down at her feet swaying lazily in the water. “I might not either.”

Katie's look darkened.

“Lily-Bee what the hell? Did you just lie to your future husband saying you’re fine when you’re actually not?”

“No I just... Everything's great it's so not usual. I can't help thinking that if Misha and I were torn apart 25 years ago it was maybe because we were just not meant to be together, that something will come up between now and the wedding and it will ruin everything, that Vicki will stand up to stop Misha from ruining his family, or that Mr Adams will show up from behind the trees to kill someone else... I just wish I could stop thinking for 24 hours, that's all.”

Katie burst out laughing.

“Oh my God and I'm the one exaggerating? Do you hear yourself?”

She grabbed her friend's shoulders so she would face her and looked at her in the eyes.

“Listen to me closely now: You were torn apart because a psycho in love with your mother was blinded by hate, rage and jealousy. That very old psycho is now stuck in a wheelchair and can't move so he won't show up. That shit is over. There are no people more made for each other than you and mister cute butt Mish-Mish over there, and I won't even talk about Vicki because that woman is ridiculously perfect so you can relax and shove your fear up your ass.”

she rolled her eyes before Lily replied.

“Yes!! That's exactly what I mean! She's ridiculously perfect so why in the-”

“Oh no no no! Stop it now!” Katie stood up (again very laboriously) “I know exactly what kind of crap you're gonna say and I won't let that happen. Misha chose you when he was nine fucking years old, and that won't change, period.”

“Actually-”

“Nope! Not a word! Now you're coming with me...” she grabbed Lily's arm to get her up. “We're going to go to the farm, eat too much, drink wayyy too much too... except I can't but you'll do it for me, then you'll go back to the cottage with your fiancé and I don't even wanna know what you'll do to him and after a good night sleep you'll come back here in your pretty dress to marry him and spend the rest of your life happy. That's all you have to think about right now. I won't allow anything else, trust me.”

Lily smirked, taking her best friends hand in hers. “I knew you were the perfect maid of honor.”

They both chuckled, Katie put her arm around Lily's shoulders and they headed to the farm together.

***

It was nice having so many people at the farm after so long. They had to put tables outside because it was really too many people to stay inside, plus it was a nice summer night so they thought they would enjoy the yard and the stunning view it had to offer, especially when the sun went down and the fireflies' lights started illuminating the trees around them.

After dinner, most of the adults were a little drunk (Darius a lot!), and the kids were over-excited to go camping all together near the woods right behind the farm.

Misha and Lily went back to the cottage after everyone went to sleep, and no need to say they were more than happy to celebrate their last night being not married without West and Maison constantly trying to go in their bed.

They both fell asleep late that night, but they were happier than ever, knowing they would be finally married a few hours later.

And at 4 am that same night, Misha's eyes flew open when he smelt a very familiar scent... smoke. And just like that, everything went spiraling again. He woke Lily up with a super panicked voice knowing his children were out there sleeping in tents, and when she smelt it too, her heart stopped and she knew she was right earlier when she was talking to Katie, when she was terrified something bad would ruin everything.

Obviously, sadly... she was right.

[scottstiles]

clarz

replied to your post

“hi divvy! i know you are MAD right now, so don't answer this until you...”

thanks so much for answering this! tbh i love the fact that you're religious and that you clearly love it so much. i went to a very catholic college, so that kind of thoughtful and deep connection with religion and tradition is important to me, and i love seeing it in other people. it's an important part of who you are! and part of the reason i asked is because you mentioned disliking the performance thing in your initial post, and i really connect with that. when i was growing up, the church i went to was pretty plain and traditional (despite very liberal politics and interpretations of scripture.) most of the other people i knew who went to church were evangelical and/or southern baptist, and i always disliked that their churches had like, full rock bands at services, and poppy contemporary melodies to "hymns." i understand that they're trying to make church fun, but it always made me suspicious and felt disingenuous.                  i don't think religious services should be a chore, certainly, but i also don't think that they should be "fun" in that way. that's not the purpose of religion. i don't think religion should become more like entertainment or performance, because it's supposed to be a space that's completely different from the rest of the world. it makes it feel less holy to me. so i definitely relate to how you feel there. also, how did you end up feeling about the service in the moment? (and i'd love to hear about the ma'apilim sometime)                                            

SORRY I DIDN’T ANSWER THESE BEFORE CUZ I REALLY WANTED TO BUT PROCRASTINATION IS MY MIDDLE NAME (jk it’s tzviya but try saying that ten times fast. or just one time. slow.)

HERE WE GO:

1- i love finding other people who feel close to their religion, no matter what it is. i remember in teacher’s college i just naturally gravitated to the only catholic girls in my classes i guess simply because i enjoyed talking to them? we weren’t there learning to teach religion, but i’m always fascinated by what other people feel about it. i’ve found myself thinking on more than one occasion that i feel more comfortable with people who have that side to themselves, like me, rather than people who don’t interact/think about/believe in any of that kinda stuff. (im being purposefully vague because it’s a huge generalization, but nonetheless true-ish for me, i often find myself sharing much more common ground with palestinian muslims, for example, than a french canadian montrealer). i guess especially because religion is not something i consider a defining trait of mine, and im just in constant evolution with respect to that. judaism is so much more than just a belief in god or a practice of the rituals and commandments.

2- how fascinating to find someone in my age bracket who feels the same way about music in prayer. my problem has always been that i LOVE music, and its so personal and emotional that i DO see it fitting seamlessly with prayer but... it’s the setting that has always bothered me. it just never felt right for me in a synagogue. like you said, it’s just a different space. i don’t know about church and ‘making it fun’ but i definitely can imagine plenty of religions use music to draw in otherwise disinterested people who find prayer “boring” or pointless. music is awesome! i just wish people could feel the music in their soul as a separate entity from external music, like from an instrument. idk i guess i just really love singing XD and i wish it wasn’t always a performance or a competition of voices, because i think prayer should be personal. even if it’s between a community, its still voices connecting to each other. i’m reminded of Hannah’s prayer, in the book of Samuel (the prophet- his mother), she’s at the temple on one of the annual pilgrimages with her family and she’s depressed because she doesn’t have any children and her husband’s other wife just keeps popping out babies left and right. so she goes to be alone somewhere in the temple, and she’s weeping and praying to god for a child. Eli, the high priest, comes in and sees her shaking and moving her lips real fast so he goes, “hey, you shouldn’t be drinking in here” and she’s like “im not drunk, i’m praying”. so that’s the first place we read about a person actually praying, and not out loud. this was like a huge revelation to the priest cuz clearly he’d never seen that before, and now the tradition has become to pray like hannah. (as an aside, if u ever see the propaganda videos made by the nazis, they use footage of synagogues to show how loony tunes those jews are with their muttering and their rocking back and forth). cuz like, prayer is supposed to be out loud? ahaha anyway i forgot where i was going with this but... oh ya, okay, so prayer didn’t really exist (as we know it, in judaism- and therefore christianity/islam/western monotheism) until that point- it was all about the sacrifices. and the temple ritual was replete with music and instruments like the shofar, timbrels, lutes, blabla other ancient instruments. but since then, we’ve been meant to use our voices alone. so says tradition, i guess.

3- so i did go to services on yom kippur (kol nidre) but not at my shul. i went with my sister to the chabad house near my parents, and it was....not great. but it was compounded by a lot of factors- i got a wicked cold the day or two before, so my nose was running a marathon and i was coughing like a 90yr old with emphysema. i got my period that morning so i was on an extra steep emotional rollercoaster that i just somehow could barely control. so we sat on the other side of the mechitzah (the separation barrier between men and women), the rabbi/cantor stood at the head in the middle so we could all see, and we all prayed out loud, no hush on the women’s side or anything (pretty typical from what i remember of camp/school prayer services). but of course the tunes were not quite what i’m used to, and there was a bit of annoying stuff that just irks me as a perfectionist (like they use a lot of yiddish pronunciation of the hebrew words, injecting a bunch of oy oy oys and ahoyhoyhoys in random places, in fact i leaned over to my sister at one point and was like ‘did ned flanders write this nigun (tune)?’), but altogether i guess it was better than watching an orchestra perform the prayer? idk it was pretty bad, on an emotional level, but not in hindsight. im very good at ruining things for myself through sheer stubbornness. i must have embarrassed my sister just by existing next to her, poor girl, she really wanted me to like it. i’m glad it’s over, and hopefully by next year ill be back in nyc or some other city so i wont have to worry about it.

4- MA’APILIM!!!!! okay so this was my absolute favoritest thing as a kid and i can’t wait to describe it to you. one night in camp, every summer, the counselors and cits would wake us up at like 3am by barging into our cabins chanting (screaming, really) “MA’APILIM, MA’APILIM BEH-MASSAD, BEH-MASSAD. MATCHIL HALAYLA MATCHIL HALAYLA BEH-MASSAD, BEH-MASSAD.” which translates to : “ma’apilim at massad (the name of my camp) starts tonight.” i’m singing it in my head as i type XD. so they’d be screaming and we’d be tumbling bleary eyed out of bed to grab our socks and sweatshirts and run over to the flagpole (keep in mind i was 8 when i first experienced this, and we’ve had kids as young as 6 at camp). once we had all gathered in line with our bunkmates, the counselors and cits put on a little “skit”.

basically they acted like they were nazis and jews, and did a little skit of some basic bad holocaust stuff (don’t ask me to remember the exact details we’re talkin at least 20 years since i last did this) to scare the pants off of us. kids would always cry already at this point from the shouting. we’d all kinda follow into this “play” (sorry idk what else to call it), and marched over to the gym where we watched a fake hanging on the stage. they literally. hanged someone. in front of us. a fake noose, of course, duh, i remember my counselor showing it to me, but traumatizing to say the least (i still remember the name of the counselor they “hanged”- not sure this ever happened more than once but ill never forget it).

then we’d all hustle down to the waterfront, again “playing” the role of holocaust victims/survivors after these little “skits” had sort of put us in the headspace, and we play along, imagining we’d just experienced these things and were now running from it. it was terrifying and exhilarating as a small child, and an even more unbelievably emotional thrill ride as i got older and became pseudo-obsessed with holocaust lit and facts in general in my life (it never did go away but everything changes with age). ANYWAYS so down at the waterfront we got a speech from another counselor playing a member of the haganah (the main jewish defense force in palestine leading up to independence, which ben gurion later turned into the IDF). sidebar for a little history: in the 40s the yishuv (jewish agency) and the haganah began a mission called aliyah bet, “the second immigration,” an illegal smuggling operation to bring refugees from the holocaust into palestine under the noses of the british, since almost all countries in the world had barred their doors to jewish immigration from europe (a high level member of the canadian government is famously recorded as having answered, when asked how many jews they should let in, that “none is too many”). volunteer seamen from the US and canada and other countries crossed the ocean on cargo ships hastily refurbished to fit hundreds of people, picking up thousands of refugees in europe to smuggle them onto the beaches of haifa and tel aviv. paul newman has a lovely half nekid scene of this in the movie Exodus when he jumps off the ship in the middle of the night and swims up onto the beach- one of my fave movies ever and pretty much the story of aliyah bet (albeit with tremendous hollywood embellishment and only mild accuracy). these refugees who became illegal immigrants (caught or not) were known as “ma’apilim”- the root of the word is to “climb” or to “rise up”, and is found in the bible referring to the israelites who were still eager to enter the land even after the negative report of the spies.

okay so basically this was the idea. we were “playing” these illegal immigrants who had just escaped the holocaust, and were now facing another threat in the form of the british who were doing their best to keep them out of palestine. k so we’re down at the waterfront. all the kids get divided into small groups of about 10 or so, with one or two counselors at the helm to be our “haganah operatives” and guides to the end. what end, you say? so the camp is spread out into 2 areas, the main camp where the younger kids cabins were, and the dining hall and the gym and the waterfront, etc. then there’s a road in the middle of the camp, and beyond it a hill leading up to the senior cabins and some sports fields at the top. the goal was for each group to make it through camp to the top of the hill without getting caught by the “british,” played by the cits who were roaming around camp.

idk if i have to describe camp further for people who don’t know the concept, but basically we’re all in the middle of the damn woods with nothing around us for miles except the lake and the camps on the other side of it or down the road. ill never forget my first ma’apilim (tbh most of my description is from then, which is why its so fuzzy cuz these memories are 20+ years old), i was so lucky to get the tripper as our group leader (the tripper is the “nature dude” in camp, the survivalist ;). he immediately led us underneath the gym (which of course was just insane to my small mind... UNDER the gym??) to plan our route and give us instructions. we organized a roll call and signals, we practiced walking in a single file line silently and dropping to the ground on his signal. we smeared dirt on our faces for camo in the woods. it was *mason voice* intense. k so then as you can guess, we snuck our way up the hill through the woods. sometimes we’d encounter other groups, once in awhile i remember getting caught by a cit, and they’d take all or some of us to the “jail” on the basketball court” where we’d have to wait for a jailbreak (idk how that worked but it did, i remember it happening but not in any detail). a famous prison break that DID happen was at acre prison in 1947 when the irgun (another paramilitary jewish group) blew up the prison and broke out 28 of their members and 214 arab prisoners. if im not mistaken they briefly refer to it in exodus by recreating a prison break. exciting times. ANYWAYS fuck im such a tangential bitch sorry XD, by the end of the night we’d all make it to the top- “jerusalem”- and we’d have hot chocolate and say morning prayers as the sun rose over the hill. 

i feel like my description is a little lacking, but hopefully u get the basic picture. ma’apilim wasn;t even the heaviest part of camp- that was tisha b’av- the fast day when we commemorate the destruction of the temple and every other traumatic destructive event the jewish people have gone thru. that night they’d prepare the camp with candles in sand filled paper bags lining all the paths. after dinner we’d walk with our bunks on the path and watch little skits in different parts of camp- scenes from these moments in jewish history, like the holocaust, pogroms in europe, the spanish inquisition, terror attacks in israel, etc. after walking the path we’d all convene back at the waterfront, where they’d set out a small reconstructed “temple” on a makeshift raft in the lake, and a banner on the beach that said “yizkor”- remember. then they’d light both on fire and we’d sit and watch them burn while singing appropriately somber songs like eli eli, by hannah senesz. after that we’d go back to the gym and lie on the floor in small groups huddled around candles. we’d listen as some people chanted the book of eicha (lamentations), and would slowly fall asleep (depending on our age, of course). anyone that was still up after that was over got to stay in the gym if they wanted to watch exodus- a 4 hour movie. the next day we’d fast all day (only those who wanted- 13 y/o +) and treated it basically like shabbat- no regular activities.

MAN did i get some wild shit imprinted on me from camp!! but i don’t regret one second. i only wish other people could have the experience i did, but i dont even know if they still do that there. they probably do, but this old lady has no excuses to step foot in a summer camp anymore :(

as a completely coincidental aside and not at all as a self promo, idk if u knew this but i’ve been working on a documentary for over a year now and this whole thing is a major part of the plot. i interviewed a lady who was a passenger on the exodus, and about 4 or 5 people who were volunteers from montreal/new york/new jersey/toronto that picked up and smuggled the refugees. the stories are incredible. i just hope the rest of the world will get to hear it from their mouths one day. all we need is 100k to finish the film XD

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy 

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!! 

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long 

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed. 

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :) 

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool 

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 ) 

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh 

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns! 

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts! 

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both  are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah 

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :) 

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST! 

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him 

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah 

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!! 

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :) 

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord.  All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3  Tada, guess thats enough for today! 

xox

[aarafox]

I don’t knoooow I have to write it somewhere and I can’t write it in my phone because I forgot it at my grandparents’ whaha (it’s not interesting so please don’t pay too much attention)

But there’s something in my personal life that I’m so tired of, and it’s basically that there’s this one person who has meant a lot in my life and I feel like he’s one of the few I could fall in love with (or at least I’ve had some sort of feelings for a very long time now (probably since we met) but I don’t understand them at all) and the problem is that he’s had a relationship with one of my friends for a while, but they haven’t been together since one and a half years or so, and after their relationship ended they tried again for two months but it didn’t work out so they broke up again. However right now they have this real strange, close bond but it’s not in terms of dating, it’s just... this weird, deep connection and honestly? It sounds like soulmates in my eyes. But I don’t want to fall in love with him when he has this close relationship with her.. Although many things have already gone wrong, this would only make matters so much worse, at least I think so, but I feel like I’m exploding and can’t hold on for much longer, because every time I hear about them I’m just like URGRHGFHR. And honestly I wish she (my friend) would ask me only even one time what I think of him right now and what my feelings are (because me and him have some lowkey history too) but she doesn’t, which makes me think that she assumes there’s nothing within me that feels for him and since I’m horribly good at acting how I think someone thinks or wants me to act I’m not showing much, except for when I describe we had a lot of fun or so (he and I). And it all just annoys me so much, because I know that if I tell myself I’ll give up I’ll still keep hoping, and I wish I didn’t but I don’t know what I can do to stop these feelings. And then one of my other friends tells me “I still think you and him will get together one day” then I’m bound to believe that and think omgggg wouldn’t that be nice, but then I hear my friend’s stories about how close they are and then I’m like ok.... nothing for me there.... nvm....... I’ll just go back to my loveless corner and I’m tired of that. So tired. But even if I were to tell any of the two about these feelings I wouldn’t know what to say because I don’t understand them myself and we’ve had enough drama so far. But I can feel myself explode. I don’t want to hear about them and I still ask them, and being together with the two of them hurts too much. And it’s all just A Mess™ and I feel like possibilities will only be open if they’re not as close anymore but god knows how long that will take and god also knows that I’m not pathetic enough to want to wait for that moment. But at the same time I can’t seem to fall in love with anyone else :))))))) and I really just want to fall in love again :)))))) because it’s been so long and I’m getting so tired and lonely :)))))))

We were having dinner with a few friends and we were talking about our lovelives and when they asked me I just said “my lovelife does not exist *lmao*” and that same friend I’m talking about here was like “haha then you should just *blabla*” and then it was about her again.

I just want to KICK SOMETHING BECAUSE IM GETTING SO FRUSTRATED AND ANNOYED WITH EVERYTHING BUT IT’S ALL BOTTLING UP BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

And when you try to convey what you’re feeling it feels like everyone’s either annoyed with what you’re saying, don’t understand it or think you’re whining :)))))

[nadinesha]

Slowly but surely.

We call it quit. We cant go any further. Me and my ex have decided to make a move, in seperate way. Its me. I am the one who force him to live on his own by the day and forward. I have been thinking about it before we even had the fight. I believe you have heard a phase that say “the more you stay, the more you learn. the more you say, the more it burn.” So i know it was the best time to make everything done on dot. By the same time, i never thought of looking for anyone to replace my ex but i know that i need someone to make me feel better, talk with me everyday, ask me questions and tell me answers. It just a way to keep me busy from thinking on the decision i have made. Yup , i met this one guy thru tinder (well its 2016, cant say that its not legit to meet anyone thru online ahhahaha) plumpy and yup he was doing as what per i was hoping from a person . Text me everyday, get know of each other. Yah still my ex tried to ask me to change my mind, keep my track back to his and blabla. But i dont know what makes me strong to decide to not ever walk back to my ex. I am still with my decision to keep what i want as my priority , no more considering on others’ opinions and favors. After 1 month texting, me and this new guy decided to meet , no more online texting. This friendship has to be real. All along the one month , we only exchange picture once and the rest was only on phone call. (His voice is too good to hate) so on the day i meet the girls, we decided to meet at Grind22 Cafe, Bangsar. At least i have my girls to accompany me meeting this half stranger half friend guy of mine. The day went well, on the first time i meet him, he was wearing a nice faded grey folded sleeve tshirt with dark blue levi’s jeans. Tried to make myself chill during the date, thanks god i have my girls around so theres no such awkward situation happened or odd topics out on our conversation. I can still remember how he only look 2 seconds on me whenever i stare to his eyes. Its my way when having a talk with anyone. Always keep my eyes look straight deep in the person eyes so obviously he wasn’t comfortable with the eyes contact but its fun to see that kind of reaction from him. I can see he was freaking nervous abt the date. I was sitting next to him. After a couple hour, i grab his hand as it was very close to my hands, it isnt a sign of flirting. I just wanted him to know that dont get way too nervous, we are fine. I like you. This is not going to be the first and the last time you will see me. He grab my hand back as a way to say that he is completely relieved to see that i am accepting him as well. After days, on 12/11/16 , in his car, around 7.15pm, the sky wasnt yet dark but you can see the moon start to glowing alone in the sky. The sunset light still helping me to see his face. He called my full name and i was suprised as he continues his sentence with something i didnt expect. “Would you be my girlfriend?” OHMYGOD my heart was dropping but fortunately i was not fainted or died on that time, i hug his hand tightly and said “of course i do ! i love you !” Can see from his face that he was yup again , relieved. But as the time pass by, we get into couple of fights and oftenly, compare him with my ex. Theres a thing that he doesn’t have as what i had from my ex. My ex is very superb in looking. Trust me even gayboy also become a threat during our relationship. But this new guy, he have that cute looking face but not as cute as my ex. Whenever that comparing things come thru my mind, i always like fight with my inner self to not ever overshadow a person 99% positivity with a 1% negativity and stop loving a person by his look. Stop qusha stop. But still , this judgmental thinking cant avoid from comparing that 1% shit with my ex. Time after time, i am getting to know my boyfriend more and more. I learn that he is a family person, how much he wanted to have a family of his own. How much he wanted to have a baby and learn how to take care on a baby. He love animals as much as i do. He love to eat as much as i do. He even have love on me but he have so much than i do. it isnt because i hate him or whatever but after 3 years dating with my ex, i realize that its not easy to forget a person you have love with all you have. it isnt easy. Because in my mind i still thinking about my ex. i dont love him anymore but it doesnt mean everything has faded away. Sometime i ask my self if i really regret on my decision but i know time has flies. There is no such as turning back or else because my ex ard with a new girl and that girl was his ex before me and we had several time fight just because of that bitch and knowing that he with that bitch again literally mess my mind for almost a week. And by the time , i believe my bf can see it clearly based on things i have tweeted and shared in twitter. Thinking about it now how much he in pain patiently wait for me to slowly stop thinking about my ex makes me want to kill myself now. A good and kind man like him shudnt face with such of that stupid situation. Everything back to normal, and i was no longer in that freaking dilemma , we date more , share things more . Slowly i realize , my ex only have that 1% while him, he has the other 99% of what iw anted in a guy , in a person i wanted to be my forever, why can i be grateful this time. I learn that looks come after love. We had a very lovely dating days . I started to love looking on every inch and details on his face. its not about having a person who attract others to look but its about a person who attract you to look at him. its about a person who always give the best that he has in his life , a person who plan eveything for you and your future kids. its about a person who always making sure you are safe and always in the comfort zone of anything. A person who dare to bring you to meet his mom and let his family learn more about you , learn that this is why you were choosen to be his wife. its about him, and its about you. A person who willing to spend his money, time and effort just to suprise you even it just a small bag but think again how much he become very precise in everything you like, take note on things you wish you have. its about a person who stand on your side and always at your back. support on everything you wanted to do. always listen and fix everything that seems unsolvable. Everything seems so perfect. How much I wish my kids will have the same eyes as he has when he smile. how much i wish my kids will have a daddy like him. after all this time, i realize that he has what it takes to be my besfriend, boyfriend, partner, husband and father to my kids. he have everything insde him and its valuable. i will never let him go or let myself miss a guy like him. Like everything ! After the drama things, we plan for a holiday. Which i hope can fix all my stupid thoughts and attitude and try to make our relay better and stronger. Yup , it happened . The holiday went so well. by the time before departure, we were talking about food and suddenly i have to excuse myself to go to the toilet . i really dont think about anything as i came back to the seat, we were talking about our luggage when i decided to open my bag and show him how full it is but then i saw theres a polaroid bag inside my bag. i ard have one, and its on the table and he bought that for me. i ask my friend if she put her polaroid bag in mind but she said its not her bag. my boyfriend, he keep silent beside me . i ask him if he bought that for me , he said no. i asked my friend once again. she strongly said no its not her. i push my bf to tell the truth then he said , yup he bought the second bag for me. i was suprised again because i only have one polaroid camera, and why are you buying me a second bag ? he said by the time he purchased the bag , he remembered that i wanted the black colour bag but the shipping is too long to wait , it might arrive after the holiday date so he bought be the first bag in brown colour. he suprised me the first bag a week before the holiday and i was happy already because i love the brown colour as well. but then he knows my wishes is still not complete so he decided to buy the black bag for the second time and hoping that we will receive before the holiday and yup , it just arrived a day before the holiday. he want me to have the black beg no matter what . so that is how i can have two polaroid bag today. during the holiday,  i only have my phone with me just for taking pictures and on the rest of the time , i spend with him. We go to the beach together and walk by the shore . Spend the night together with cups of juice, under starry night sky. We went for food hunting together. we eat burgers, fries, seafood, we even had the best sambal belacan, we had kacang rebus, special milkshakes, chicken wings. The holiday has really change me into a new me. i have never believe that one day i will be as confident as i am today in a person who will completely become as a part of me. Everytime i look into his eyes , i can feel the butterly is now in me. He looks calm but i know i am not. he now can look back on me and its more than 5 minutes. My heart beating so fast, everytime . Because i know , i am looking on a person i am deadly in love . Deadly . He have that smile i love to see , his eyes is so shining so cute with the nice smiling eyes looking whenever he smile thru my camera . His smell , oh my god . His teeth is the what makes his smile even sweeter. I am going to lick that teeth i swear. his arm, that is where a girl like me shud be. his leg, yup this is suprising. he can carry me, let me sit on his lap with only one leg holding my whole body weight. that is impressing. he is so strong. yup physically and mentally strong . what a boy. no more doubt. i have no more doubt on him. he has to be mine forever. i never this crazy about my boyfriend. Tbh i have no more care on my ex. he has no idea how much i am in love with my life now. it better than i expect . there is no wrong in my decision and i am glad that i have done it . I have this few things of my ex belonging with me, thought of returning all his things back . I have decided to not to because is such a wasting time and money. I CAN BUY LIPSTICK instead … Yup , i love you Ahmad Aisar . Thanks. xoxo Qusha.

[xomaleriestar]

Collection of notes

17.02.2021 at 10:02

so what i wanted to say before initially

is that i read the letter

and was wondering if its still relevant

ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it

i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do

its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month

slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods

i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)

it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever

our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good

18.02.2021 at 08:15

i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)

and i relate with everything you've said

i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything

at the right place right time. i feel lucky?

on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother

it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more

please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so

15.03.2021 at 01:00

i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init

2:42 am

literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen

ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.

i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments

19.03.2021 at 10:42

i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you

20.03.2021 at 17:12

love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit 

had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child? 

i crave physical touch

hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too

hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter. 

26.03.2021 at 19:21

bless you

ur so nice to me

had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode

i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never 

sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you

......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!! 

in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day

baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder 

31.03.2021 at 20:20

❣️ is for  🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️

❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️

❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️

❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️

❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️

❣️ is for 💫💐🧚‍♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️

❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

02.04.2021 at 14:24

miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt

11.04.2021 at 12:54

i really reaally love you

13.04.2021 at 21:53

have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing 

14.02.2021 at 01:46

im in love w u