#like finding out something you like has been deleted is literally the worst feeling in the world

[skitskatdacat63]

do u know that adorable gif of jenson play punching seb with mark’s live slug reaction on the foreground??? do u myb know where that’s from 👉👈

Okay, so I'm almost 100% sure it's from the 2011 Japanese GP qualifying because Seb's helmet matches the gif and also this pic:

I went to check because there's an archive of this quali EXCEPT IT WAS DELETED 😭😭😭😭😭😭 IM ACTUALLY SO UPSET AGH 😭😭😭😭😭 LIKE I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA CRY

So yeah :,) I'm pretty confident it's from this race but I no longer have the resources to be able to check. So hey if anyone has that archive downloaded, but specifically the post-quali, could you please, please hit me up 🥺 it really hurts bcs I clipped the parc ferme part of that quali where Jense pats Seb's helmet and grabs his hand while he's still in the car AND WENT NO FURTHER 😭😭😭😭😭 AND NOW IM REALLY SURE THAT THAT CLIP IS FROM THEN NOOOOOOO

[olderthannetfic]

I always see people reminiscing about the Good Ole Days and about how antis are a new thing but. . .is that really true? Or am I just being autistic and taking things too literally, and they just mean it's way more of a common debate now than it used to be before, and that the landscape of shipwank has changed?

Idk, it's like I constantly hear about fandom wank and shipwars and censorship from decades ago, and yes I know "shipping/doxxing/censorship has always existed" can co exist with "antis are new" but I think there's still a bit of a comprehension gap on my end.

am i just dumb? What am I missing here? FWIW - I do feel like the context of "anti" has definitely changed. Back in early 2010s tumblr (I cannot speak of other website/platforms) I remember that tagging something as #Anti Donkey Kong didn't mean you think DK is an evil abusive monster and that everyone who likes him/mains him is also an evil abusive monster and that Nintendo is pushing the evil abusive monster agenda. #Anti Donkey Kong would just be character bashing, wank, letting out your grievances about how ugly DK is, etc, but it was really just a tag used for your own personal opinions (and for DK fans to filter out). Whereas now #Anti Donkey Kong would mean please go die and delete all your accounts if you support DK.

So I definitely know that "anti" has a way more intense definition now than it used to - but for some reason I find it a bit hard to grasp just how new this whole anti thing even is in the firstplace. It honestly makes me sad that I've never seen a pre-anti internet, assuming there really was a time before antis.

--

Antis are new. Specifically, the "Conservative Protestantism in a gay hat" thing that that one tumblr post pointed out is new.

We had doxxing in the past. We had masses of shipwank. We also had "How dare you write that m/m ship. It's bad!"

The key is that the "Your m/m ship is bad" crowd used to openly be conservative Christian homophobes who objected to homosexuality itself. Nowadays, they're queer 20-somethings who like m/m ships but object to gay sex.

It's the anti-kink, anti-fantasy brigade coming from "our side" instead of the outside, essentially. It's respectability politics about "Sempai will love me if I just sanitize The Community and kick out the icky weirdos". It's personal disgust masquerading as morality where once it would have been masquerading as intellectual superiority.

It's a product of queerness being more public and tolerated overall. In the past, a lot of spaces devoted to m/m shipping had to be aggressively in favor of contentious fiction because the existence of anything m/m was itself contentious. There was plenty of "Well, my gay best friend said ___ is unrealistic, and my slash is good, unlike that of you plebes!" There was much less "Fujoshi means fetishizer".

Of course, I'm comparing the 90s internet to now or the mid 00s Livejournal fandom to Tumblr of this past decade. It really depends on whether Ye Olden Times was five years ago or twenty five.

The modern use of the term 'anti' did indeed grow out of the old habit of tagging your hate. As the default cultural mode shifted from "My NOTP is dumb" to "My NOTP is problematic", the usage changed. At some point, antis started getting offended by their self-applied term and pretending that the other side inflicted it on them. This is revisionism. Fiction-is-not-reality had some writeups with citations in the past.

The big shifts were happening around 2012-2016. The long slide into puritywankers being everywhere has only continued since then, but that's where the tipping point seems to have been. TikTok exacerbates this nonsense, and there are clearly plenty of people who are anti-queer and only weaponizing clueless queer youth.

The big shift is that liking m/m used to weed out most of the worst people, and now it attracts lots of them who will not fucking go away because they like the same ship, just the hand-holdy, no dicks can touch ever version.

They spend their time bleating about how AO3 should have been built for them and how anti-censorship activism doesn't matter... because they've grown up in a fandom world dominated by AO3, which shelters them from the reality that the "Ewww, all m/m sucks!" crowd is everywhere on other sites to this day.

That's probably why the shift is when it is. Certain aspects of mainstream queer acceptance were on the rise just as AO3 was getting big. But at the same time, the world is shit and everyone has anxiety they self-medicate through rage and security theater around sniffing out The Bad People.

[crescencestudio]

2023: A Year of Connection

Hi everyone!

As I told you last month, this month's "devlog" will be more like an end-of-year recap. For those of you who have known me a while, you'll know that I get ~in my feels~ and Very Nostalgic at the end of the year. And this year is no exception to that.

Looking back on this year, I realize I did much more than I thought I did. The year was filled with so many waves of uncertainty, burnout, and ruts, that I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything in the moment. Now that the year has actually wrapped up, I can see that was Once Again my imposter syndrome whispering words of sweet nothings into my ears.

In fact, this year, I find that I did Way More than what I did last year. Crazy, considering how busy I remember 2022 being. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Writing

If there is one thing this bitch did, it's fucking write LFMASODIJ. For all my complaining this year of routes taking too long, getting creative ruts, etc., I still wrote (what I consider) a Very Good amount. While I may not have hit my writing goals that I had set out, I still ended up writing around 255k words in total this year. Most of this being for Alaris, and some of it being for my dissertation (LOL) and other side games, like Intertwine and Jam Games.

This number also doesn't include deleted passages, edited passages, etc., so the amount I've spent writing, reviewing, etc. was Significant this year. Here's to hoping that momentum continues into next year and finishing the rest of Alaris!

Side Games

Something completely unexpected, but that I'll forever be grateful for, was my decision(s) to join game jams this year. It all started with Otojam, a visual novel jam I'd wanted to join for a WHILE.

Intertwine was, without a doubt, one of my most memorable moments from this year. The friends I made/grew closer to during that jam. The people I connected with because of Intertwine. The people I got to work with. Everything about the experience surpassed my expectations, and Van and Summer 2023 will always hold a very special place in my heart because of it. Thank you to everyone who enjoyed that game. It was my first full game I ever released, and I couldn't have been more nervous about it (no literally. I wasn't sleeping and I was nauseous for a week before release).

Knowing there was no "revision" afterwards that I could hide behind or promise that there would be a "better"/"enhanced" version made the release terrifying. But the reception you all gave to it and support from so many friends made me feel so connected and grateful for the community.

The other three side projects were... well, Unexpected. LOL. Before these jams, I'd never wanted to work in team settings, mostly because I have Mad Imposter Syndrome, and I've always imagined I'd be dead weight in any given game dev team. My skills on writing, art, and/or coding alone aren't "exemplary" enough for me to think I, well, deserve to be on a team. But when a couple of short jams were being held by a friend, and teams were being made filled with other friends, I thought maybe I could help, even if it's just to QA/playtest. But I've walked away from each of these experiences learning so much from other talented people and with very dear friends.

Each of these side games truly tested my chops in terms of writing, narrative design, and coding. But I'm glad I challenged myself to take part in each of these experiences because I've walked away with so much more than I would've expected.

Alaris

My Heart. My Soul. And at times, My Worst Enemy.

As much as I may have talked about how I Wasn't making progress on this baby. I, in fact, made A LOT of progress:

Art: 15 CGs, Updated Sprites, Kickstarter Artwork

Commissions: 20 BGs, Complete GUI, Personality/Affection Indicators, Editing, Voice Acted Lines, Complete OST (8 Tracks!)

Writing: Three Finished Routes

Shipped Kickstarter Merchandise

I'm going to be Real with you all. I'm not in the mood to recap everything for Alaris in the way I did with everything else LAFKMSDFOIJWOEI. Main reason being, I do that Every Month, and at this point, I would feel like I'm repeating myself for no reason. But let me tell you, when the Enhanced Demo comes out, you will see what I'm talking about with progress made. And I'm excited for the next year when I start getting to show things off (read: Demo Release and Route Beta Releases) now that assets have really come together ^^

I will say, thank you for sticking with this project for so long. It's easy to get bogged down in development when a project like this is as big as it is. It's just as easy to think that no one will care about this by the time I release, or people will start losing their patience with me as development goes on. So I'm forever grateful for how kind, supportive, and patient you all are, especially this year <3

Connections: The True Theme of 2023

If you've made it this far, I'm extremely impressed with you. And to reward you, I'll give you a moment of honesty and vulnerability which, to be frank, I Don't Do as a person and especially with my dev persona LMFAOO ((Before I do, let it be known, CW: mention of death, grief, alcoholism, chronic illness, suicidal thoughts))

Something I don't talk about much is that for all of 2022 and most of 2023, I was not in a good place mentally. At the beginning of 2022, I lost three very important people in my life back-to-back (I'm not exaggerating when I say back-to-back it was within 2 weeks, three separate deaths lol). That, on its own, was hard to deal with. But on top of that, I soon found myself having to cope/help with a family member's chronic illness and another family member's mental health (read: alcoholism, suicidality).

While this isn't a particularly unique situation, it was one that I found myself struggling with pretty severely on top of a pretty demanding work life. And it was a situation I found myself in until about midway through this year. Things have lightened up. I navigate a new life with some pretty severe triggers, and without the presence of some of my most loved ones. But overall, I at least feel like I can breathe and function, which is a state I didn't feel like I could exist in for over a year (and started to believe I may never exist in again).

Because of this new room in my life, I was able to connect with people again, in a more genuine way. I've grown closer to a lot of dev friends, to the point I consider some of them genuine close friends. And IRL, I've been able to reconnect with some of my dearest loved ones. The main reason I bring all of this up is because this year, I felt unbelievably connected to people, whether that was dev friends in the community, people who support my games, and IRL people.

And sometimes, when you interact with people solely online, it's easy to think they don't care as much about you as you do for them. But this has been disproven to me time and time again this year. And I've found myself in a state of appreciation for so many of the people I've been blessed to meet and befriend <3 I felt this especially so during some of the game jams, with the Secret Santa gift exchange, and with my recent Holiday Tree.

So thank you for everyone who has let me take up some space in their life. You literally Do Not Know how much it means to me and impacts me. This year, while I started it in a state of slightly hopelessness and numbness, I find myself ending it with gratitude and connection.

I hope the rest of this year (the very few couple of days we have left LOL) treats everyone well. I'm excited for how we get to start 2024 and what we'll get to experience together <3 Thank you again for the memories and support, love you all very dearly ^^

[makshu]

Just a big vent, you don't need to read it if you don't want to.

I think I have a problem when I find out that someone likes me, at least if it's someone close to me.

If it's a friend of mine, I start doing something I call "throwing myself at the person", which basically means I start getting really close to the person and trying to act in a way to be more likable.

The truth is, I don't know why people start liking me, and I really want to ask them why they like me, like- is there something specific? I literally do nothing! It's just... strange to me.

Recently I also had a drop in my self-esteem (or I just realized that it was never high) and I also realized that I'm trying to prove my usefulness again.

And I noticed that I compare myself to others much more than I thought, and this is due to the fact that the group of friends I'm in at the moment is made up of intelligent people (academically) and well, that is not my predominant type of intelligence.

I get angry at these people sometimes, and jealous too, and I hate it! It's not a right thing to think, but I can't help it when I realize the gulf of intelligence that exists between me and them.

Idk everything has been coming at once, I'm graduating in a few weeks, and there's a lot of pressure on me. I'm just not thinking straight anymore.

So many people who know me irl are on tumblr now, and I don't feel like this is a safe place to vent anymore, and I don't want to talk to someone because I know I won't accept help, so I don't want them to waste their time with me.

I hate knowing that I'm writing this hoping a specific person will read it, but at the same time I also don't want them to read it because I don't want to worry them.

There's a lot going on, and a thought that keeps coming back to me. Why does this person like me? What am I doing differently than normal for this to happen? People don't know me completely, how could they like me if they don't even know me well?

And in no way do I want to offend anyone, but I just don't understand.

Anyway, I just wanted to try to express this somehow, and even then I'm going to choose the worst way (maybe I'll delete this later), but I like to at least feel heard.

I hope I stop acting weird, and that people don't look at me differently when I talk about that specific person, I wish I didn't know this, but now that I know I need to deal with it somehow.

Thanks in case anyone read it.

And if you are the specific person, this is why I don't like people who know me irl knowing about this blog. But now that you've read this, do what you think is best with this information (just please don't tell anyone).

[quinnynation]

quick tw for mentions of SA/🍇

——————————————————

i don’t want to cause any drama but just feel this has to be said. i’ve been an OG fan of sam and colby for around a decade now and even had my older cousin get them + jake to facetime me at their boys of summer 2015 tour. they were basically my childhood heroes. with that being said, i still am very uncomfortable with colby not only putting sam through one of the most horrific pranks you could do to your friend, but that he also teamed up with a notorious youtube prankster who was exposed for being serial 🍇-ist and was also shunned by the entire community for SA’ing women in public for a youtube prank the year prior to the prank on sam. i was ten when that prank came out and i didn’t even really grasp what 🍇/SA were, but still knew it was a bad thing to do to people and didn’t understand why colby would team up with someone who would hurt women like that.

i could never, EVER hate them no matter what. they were there alongside jake when nine year old me developed depression and needed someone to watch to get me through the day. but for colby to not care about what said youtuber had done to those girls just makes me feel so deeply disappointed in him and needs to be said, especially when they have a fanbase full of young girls who love and look up to them. i know it’s a decade old, but you just can’t shake that off, especially if you know which youtuber i’m talking about and the horrific stuff he did to so many women.

feel free to delete this if you don’t find it appropriate or fitting, but i just want to know if i’m validated with this and again, i’m not cancelling sam and colby—i just think it’s something we should think about especially with how the climate for women is going to change for the worst soon.

i didn't like them during their prank stuff cause i found it all annoying tbh so i wasn't aware of that, that is disappointing to find out and i hope he'll address it eventually. idk fs obviously but it's been years since they've done pranks like that and hopefully they've grown up (literally) and changed their views on who they call friends/collab with- which from what i can see, they have

as for the sam prank, i think if sam- the victim of the prank- can forgive him and move on then yk 🤷 would i do it to my friends? no but i'm not them lmao

[drinkingyourwine]

I’ve had this canvas since I was in my early years of high school. I quickly felt comfortable here and used this platform to write silly love notes and what not… it was innocent and fun at best. This blog has served me throughout the many, many chapters of my life and I’m lucky to have not erased these pictures, memories, or words as I am a chronic deleter of all-things-cherished. In my worst moments I want to go off the rails and pretend nothing of substance ever left my brain or lips. Nothing of my own… traced back to me. Seems like if I’m left with memories or nothing I’d always choose nothing in the end. For the longest time I never felt regret towards these things but lately it has been hitting me a bit hard. I wish I still had certain moments in close proximity but I don’t. All I can try to do is keep moving forward and safekeep the fragments of my life I create and will continue to create.

A couple of weeks ago my partner broke up with me and it left me devastated. In the end, we stayed together and decided to work through things, but it wasn’t easy for me navigate my feelings afterwards. It felt like I was living in between two states — his rejection and desire. To this day I’m grateful for him but to know something so precious can be so easily lost was and is a reality check for me. I mean no shit everything and everyone can easily be taken from you but this felt different for me. My last relationship was 4 years of toxicity and domestic violence and it easy to walk away in the sense that deep down I didn’t want him in my life and didn’t love him anymore. Before that relationship, I was with a man who lived overseas and traveling from here to Portugal was emotionally exhausting, it made sense that he called it off. It wasn’t financially or mentally feasible for either of us and the distance only highlighted our differences. My point is that I hadn’t risked losing someone that I deeply loved and who deeply loved me back in what felt like a long time.

I told him I wouldn’t drink alcohol as it only caused turmoil in our relationship and was part of the reason he broke up with me. He said something along the lines of “maybe we can just have a bottle of wine together every now and then?” In the moment I nodded and smiled without showing my teeth but honestly I felt so much shame for saying yes because I didn’t know if I was strong enough to even handle that limitation. It’s been almost three weeks since then and we have drank one bottle of wine together and there was a reoccurring voice in my head telling me to not slip up and cause a fight for no reason. Luckily nothing like that happened. But now that I’m not drinking like I normally do (beer and liquor that is) I have been hyperfixating on my insecurities. I literally gotta breathe and tell myself SAFETY AND FREEDOM over and over again. I can’t be on instagram that much because I just find myself comparing my body and features to other women, friends/foes/acquaintances/former classmates/porn stars/pictures of women that my boyfriend has liked. It’s just fucked and not okay and I don’t wanna live like that. I’ve come a long way in terms of loving myself and every nuanced part of my physical fabric.

I don’t blame my boyfriend for initially ending things because he’s the warmest person. He’s one of my favorite people that I’ve encountered and I’ve encountered a lot of people… I was cruel to him under the influence, blurring the lines between what’s true and just a flat out lie.

Ready for new beginnings. Ready to love myself enough to be better and stronger than my ego.

[swifty-fox]

2, 7, 13, 15, 18, 25 for the fic asks!

2.Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

Pirates!!! I have some stuff in the severe backburner but idk when I will get to it

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

honestly this whole fic but this snippet from Bright Lights (my non canon little beasts overdose fic) was really fun and challenging to write. The nuance of John's addiction and status as a felon is so....idk it just feels so important to get right and treat with respect while also exploring it in a way that is satisfactory. I think I did an awesome job here

“Have you heard anything?” John asks, leaning tiredly against the glass.

“What the hell are we doing here, John? You been fucking your priest ?”

“He’s not mine,” John says, closing his eyes, “It wasn’t your business.” 

Chicks finger jabs against the glass, voice low and rumbling, “It sure fucking is if your giving him fucking opiates. Did Brady know this?”

John blinks at him, going cold, “I didn’t give him shit Neil. He took Frannie’s stuff I wouldn’t– I’m clean .” 

“Does Brady. Know.”

“Yeah – fuck – he fuckin’ knew. He knew I was messing around with him because that’s all that happened. Neil, I have my two-year chip . I was almost done with this whole thing in six more months why would I fuck that up?” 

Chick just stares at him, and John stares back, feeling every thread holding him up slowly be snipped one by one. It was one thing to have the police assume the worst, and it wasn’t quite like it looked anything but really fucking bad . But Chick had been the one to see every step of the fought for progress John has made. He knew, knew the work John had put in. 

“This is why it’s a fucking bad idea to have a sober coach be someone who you’re friends with, I never should have signed off on that, I should have known he wouldn’t be able to be objective–”

“ ‘M fuckin’ sober! ” John shouts, slamming his knuckles against the wall and then closes his eyes with a slow inhale.

“I’m sober,” his voice cracks, “He was staying with me after we got caught and left to take a shower. I got a bad fucking feeling and busted open the door to find him passed out next to the toilet.”

He’s talking slowly as he can, calm as he can manage because he knows rage will get him exactly squat. 

“I saw he’d taken a buncha’ pills and I called the EMT’s.”

“The only person who can corroborate it is in the hospital right now, unconscious. My hands are tied until he wakes up.” 

John squeezes his brows together, twists his mouth against the sharp flicker of fear and then looks back up at Chick, “You believe me though, right?”

Chick kisses his teeth, hands settling on his hips. There’s a purpling bite mark above his sweatshirt collar and John wonders who he’d been pulled out of bed with.

“I’ll see about getting those cuffs off you, John.”

“Fuck the cuffs,” he rasps, “Just promise you’ll tell me how Gale is the moment you hear anything.”

He’s never wanted pity, not once in his life and not even in his worst moments. He bares his teeth at the emotion baldly present in Chick’s eyes.

“Depends how the cards fall, kid.”

13.What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?

it's actually drawing/painting advice but it really works for writing to and it's literally just. fuck it up as many times as you need to to get it right. Something not turning out? fuck it up. Paint over it. delete it. just Keep Going.

15. If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?

Outlaws au!!! I think it's the most concise strong story and also I think visually I had such a strong image it would be so fun to develop both parts.

18.Do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines?

Not really! I outline for my collabs but that's about it. Sometimes I throw snippets or quotes or notes at the bottom of a doc

25.What do you look for in a beta?

answered this one already a bit but I like them to be a writer as well too!

[obsoleteozymandias]

Hopefully I'm doing this right (Feel free to delete/ignore if your request matchups are closed or if you don't feel comfortable writing it) I just wanted to request a Matchup for Twisted Wonderland

Appearance: 5'0, waist-long straight black hair with full bangs, round almond brown eyes, round face (pale-ish??), just an Average Asian/Filipino, has a bit of a resting b face, so I try to always smile with my eyes.

I like wearing dark academia clothing but I also like clothing that looks grundge-y (my style is either masc or fem, no in-betwen)

My MBTI: ENFP

Zodiac Sign: Leo ♌

Sexuality/Gender: Demiromantic Asexual (I just say I'm Demisexual), Agender/ Genderfluid (She/her/They/them)

Personality: Ok whew, I dont know how to begin- My personality is a bit of a mess, I can be childish and playful but serious at times. I'm prone to hyperfocusing on things, I get defensive easily, and I am prone to getting a bit aggressive when I'm extremely mad/ pissed off. My tone of voice comes out as cold and mean (But I try to make it friendlier), I am stubborn (very stubborn when I know I'm right, I'm insistent on it too and rarely backdown) and I'm pretty confident and independent. I work in street smarts but my intuition is pretty strong, I'm quick to think on my feet. Some people have told me I like I have an Inferiority/Superiorty complex where I act like I'm the best but feel like the worst. I like acting average when I'm aware I'm not and I like playing Devil's Advocate, I like acting innocent and cutesty when I know I'll benefit from it. I like acting naive to fool people (My survival skills, apparently), I can be eccentric and follow my heart than my head most of the time, I am more inclined to go with the flow instead of sticking to a routine or schedule (Been told that I'm a walking Adhd). My friends have described me to be a "Golden Cat (or something)- Black Cat appearance and Golden Retriever Energy.

Likes: Sleeping and Daydreaming

I like chocolates, especially the extra bitter dark chocolates. And whipped cream makes me absolutely feral. My favourite type of chips are honey butter potato chips. I love blueberry cheesecakes and chocolate chip banana muffins. I also like the different colored macarons. I like my chocolate bitter but when it comes to tea, I will rival Kalim's sugar serving

I like the colors red, blue, and green.

I like roses, specifically the half colored roses (half red, half white), Sunflowers, and Forget-Me-Nots.

I like both dogs and cats.

Dislikes: Hypocrites, people who have no sense of morals and principles (people who cheat in school, just to be a top student, without actually learning anything), people who flex their wealth around. I dislike veggies because they have a weird aftertaste, specific textures (sensory issues go brrr)

Partner Preference/s: Its either one or the other for me (usually, when I simp for characters, They're either INTJ/ISTJ or ENTP, its crazy) To be more specific... I would prefer a partner who is incredibly smart/intelligent in academics (or just being knowledgeable in general), someone who is studious (I like nerdy people ngl) and being dorky about their interest. Sometimes, I find great attraction to people who seem aloof and closed off, I like cracking people open (not literally), people who compliment me, that we are different but similar in the things that matter. Someone who just gets me in ways that I couldn't/wouldn't anticipate.

My Love Language (Receiving): Acts of Service and Quality Time

I'm sorry for the word vomit 😭 I wanted to be as specific as I can

Hereeeee ya go

== Twisted Wonderland ==>

I match you up with…

Jade Leech

Jade is one of the few people who can appreciate the more manipulative ways you deal with people. When he sees you put on a cute or innocent act to get what you want, he’s SUPER intrigued. 

He’ll get closer to you with politeness at first, but you know he genuinely loves you when he shows you his more cunning and less than polite side. 

He’s also someone who can appreciate your lightheartedness. He himself is somewhat reserved and distant, and I imagine you’d be like a ray of sunshine in the ocean of his life. 

Side note: you and Floyd are a chaotic friendship which he frequently finds himself being both annoyed by and extremely fond of. 

Catch him making you all sorts of teas and drinks with your favorite flavors, or having you taste-test some snacks at the lounge that he already knows you’ll love. 

Is he offended when you put a lot of sugar into you tea? A little bit. Does he find your delighted smile cute and will overlook that? Absolutely. 

Jade and you are both independent creatures, but you find solace and acceptance of eachother wholeheartedly in one another. 

[hanibalistic]

huuuuuuuuuuuuuu. i just went down a spiral of remembering old fics i read in 2020 and i vaguely remembered one of your fics. i searched up hyunjin x reader wc on safari and prayed. i distinctly remembered how your theme looked and the gifs you used and the colors but i completely forgot your blog name until i saw Jeonginks on an old rb and i yelled out like i came across some guy i met at a bar and told all my deepest darkest secrets one night 4 years ago and never saw again on the street. like i looked for a good long second and went. IT’S YOU .

anyway i have bad memory so i don’t really remember anything you wrote just the feeling of reading your fics and having my brain chemistry altered. so when i realized your blog was deactivated and i couldn’t reread and remember whatever life changing work it was i read 4 years ago during quarantine where all i had was x reader fanfics and solitude i was lowkey highkey Devastated. until i had the bright idea to just search up jeonginks on tumblr again and scroll through posts because Maybe i’d find something

anyway! this is all to say IT’S YOU !!!

i just wanted to share bc there is little more that’s as frustrating as not being able to find something when you want to so badly and it literally being right in front of you and you Still can’t get it (like how i feel when i see smth a kpop idol wears and wanting it and not being able to find it Anywhere.) but i was able to find you in the end and now i’m feeling very happy. anyway! i will be reading ur works now thank u for still being alive and for still writing

(it's me indeed!)

hello ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹ it has been a while, hasn't it! given that my old blog was where you came from, haha.

i think less than a handful of people figured out it's me at the beginning of this blog (before i deleted jeonginks) because of the similar writing style. i assume it may be more difficult to realize that now because i have changed drastically over the years, or at least i like to think so. i'm a hanner now (literally the worst change ever!!!), and while i write relatively similarly to before, the content is still somewhat different in specific themes, i think? i'm not hiding the fact that i was jeonginks anymore, though. i think it's been long enough and like, genuinely who cares?

i hope you like whatever i have on this blog. i am going through a very slow process of rewriting my old works, mostly because i'm more interested in either not writing at all or writing new things. my current goal is to finish the historical hyunjin au i had ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

[mswhich]

20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by the marvelous, magical @elder-flower! Exactly the thing I needed to keep procrastinating on my WIP! edited to add I just noticed that Tumblr turned all of the numbers into the number 1. IDK, I'm not gonna fix it, just roll with it.

How many works do you have on AO3?

56.

What's your total AO3 word count?

675,992

What fandoms do you write for?

Lots and lots. Lately, 2001: a Space Odyssey. But also a lot of original works, plus Formula 1 RPF, Harry Potter, Teen Wolf, occasionally some Taskmaster RPF.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Unforced Error (Harry Potter), 3798 Forged in Flames (Harry Potter), 3722 (my first fanfic!) No Secrets (Teen Wolf), 2738 Bondmate (Original Work), 1326 The Frontier Spirit (Original Work), 1280

Do you respond to comments?

God, I try, but I'm so bad at it. I always feel so awkward about comment replies. I wish I could just click like on them and leave an emoji or something. I do try to get to as many as I can, though.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I dunno if you'd call it angst exactly, but I've written a fair amount of noncon where the "bad guys" win. Probably Experiment XB-20, which ends with someone finding out they've been getting repeatedly memory wiped and then nonconned, shortly before getting memory wiped again.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I write a lot of happy endings, tbh. Let's just say that the large majority of my fics end reasonably happily for most participants involved. (With a few notable exceptions.)

Do you get hate on fics?

You would think I would. I write a lot of unrepentant noncon, often with underage characters. I write RPF. I write incest. But apart from the occasional "wtf" comment, I've so far managed to avoid attracting significant hate. If I did get a hate comment, I would just delete it. I am too old for drama.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Fuck yes. All kinds! I have been writing smut since I first started writing fiction. Stephen King once said, in response to a question about why he wrote horror fiction, that if he and Louis L'Amour both visited a lake, Louis would write about cowboys herding cattle near the lake, whereas King would write about a creepy lake monster; that's just how their brains work. Well, I would write about people having weird, power dynamic-y, kinky sex near the lake. That's how MY brain works.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not really, but wouldn't rule it out.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I have occasionally had people report to me that my fics were stolen and nameswapped. AO3 has been pretty good about taking them down quickly though.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Many times, yes. I hope the translations are good! I have no real way of knowing.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not, and have no real plans to do so.

What’s your all time favourite ship?

Ugh, I ship so much. SO MUCH. Honestly, probably Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski. It just works for me. Age gap, characters who are smart as fuck and morally gray, power dynamics, and werewolf powers. It has everything.

What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have most of a novel-length fic written in the Harry Potter fandom. It's post-War and Snape comes to stay at Grimmauld Place while they're rebuilding Hogwarts. Ginny Weasley is the only person there at first, and they kind of circle each other warily at first and then come to a cautious detente, which turns into a bit of a friendship. There's something weird going on with the portraits in the house, though, and when Snape notices it, there's an action sequence that ends with him getting them the fuck out of Dodge and going on the run. I actually love this story, it's entirely drafted and 80% written, and I just had to work out a couple plot issues at the end. And then the HP fandom kind of blew up and the creator turned out to be one of the literal worst people in the world, and I just don't know if I can ever bring myself to finish it. We'll see.

What are your writing strengths?

Uh. I....don't know? People seem to like my fics for the most part, but I'm not sure I could nail down exactly why.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I repeat myself too much. I say the same things repeatedly, over and over again, reiterating on a theme. But joking aside, I swear I spend half of my time in editing removing stuff like this.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'm fine with it, if it fits the characters and it works. I prefer it if there are either a lot of English cognates so you can kind of work out what they're saying, or if the author translates it in the author's note.

First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter. I found a shitload of Hermione/Snape fic, read as much of it as I could find, and then thought, you know, I think I could do at least as well as some of these? So I tried my hand at it and have never really quit writing fic since.

Favourite fic you’ve written?

I'm saying two. One is Crown of Neon Lights, because I love the characters and story so much. And the other is Bondmate, same reason. But really I love most of my fics. They are like my precious babies and I adore them all. tagging (pls feel free to ignore) @whimsicalmeerkat @jammerific

[simulation-machine]

Update like, 11? 10?: The Great CC Purge of 2024

I’m on the like, third round of purging CC because now my game won’t load and I’m having such a time trying to find out what tf is causing this problem. I’ll 50-50 and everything loads but the second it all loads together the game is like, lol nah.

So I’ve decided that if this current round doesn’t work I’m just gonna go mostly clean slate. I’ll back up all the CC I have now just in case any other creators quit and delete their stuff, but in the actual game I’m gonna delete absolutely everything except the mods and the Maxis Match CC I know for a fact I’ll use. And I’ll be so much choosier.

I’d be going pretty much pure Maxis Match too.

But who knows, maybe this final purge will be the one and everything will be fine! The Orsons and others will definitely need to be touched up but it’ll be better than not playing the game at all, y’know?

Vagueposting about life stuff below. Gets mildly trauma dumpy? TW: family stuff, parentification, anxiety, freaking tf out about a C-

So, family drama is still proving to be exhausting. I’m out of spoons but being told like, “hey, we’ll accept sporks! Maybe even any butter knives you have too!”

The curse of being the eldest child, I stg. I’m like thiiiiiis close to 40 and it never goes away.

Also I got a C- on one of my midterms. I’ve literally never beefed a test this badly. And it’s in a class that is totally in my wheelhouse. I could make excuses about how the teacher is very hands-off, only offers four tests and a paper and no extra credit, and how stressful family stuff has been. But my head isn’t really in the school game atm and I guess eating shit on this test was the real wake up call?

I’m not gonna dwell on it too much. If I get a B, I get a B. Fortunately I’m doing great on all of my other classes. My GPA won’t even get dinged at this point. I’m just a total try-hard and the bad grade flicked my fragile ego a bit too hard.

Things still stand: no one is dead or dying, I’m not the one going through the worst of it. But as the eldest, (and thanks to parentification that started waaaay too early in life), I feel immensely responsible for my family and worry all the dang time about them. I almost didn’t go to art school when I was 19 because I legit thought my family would fall apart without me. They didn’t, btw, I’m just dramatic. And by dramatic I mean neurotic and anxious.

The Sims have always been a way to hyper control *something* because I went through a lot of life feeling like everything could turn on a dime or slip away from me. Stories can’t do that to me; I’m the boss of my stories.

Anyways. This was supposed to be a quick li’l update but instead turned into a straight up 2006 LiveJournal post. Dang. Off to play some BG3 for a bit!

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS is such a confounding movie.

I recently watched a batch of deleted scenes, of which I wasn't aware of until rather recently. I had once listened to its director, Seth Kearsley, talk about the picture on a podcast as well. Fascinating stuff all around about its production, and all the ins and outs, how they went about their decision-making, etc. Seemed like it was a fun movie for many of its crew to work on, and they seemed to be treated well too. RARE for an animated movie of this caliber, it seems.

It has gone down, almost notoriously, as being considered one of the "worst" animated movies ever...

Weirdly, when I was 11 years old, I was lowkey OBSESSED with this movie. I didn't even know it existed until it was out on DVD, and when I watched the whole thing through, I was hooked for some reason. Maybe it was because it was, at the time, a good-sized 2D animated feature that wasn't set in the past, a fantasy world, a sci-fi setting, or anything like that. EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS wasn't IRON GIANT nor EL DORADO nor SPIRIT nor TITAN A.E. nor TREASURE PLANET... It wasn't like LILO & STITCH from the same year either, which is also a contemporary story, but that has aliens in it! And was family-friendly. This was set in the present, it was more for adults, it was just people being people with *some* cartoony elements (such as cute anthropomorphic deer and some of the exaggerated, if not demeaning character designs), it was even really semi-realistically gross in some parts (and not in the sort of, say, exaggerated REN & STIMPY way), it could've easily been a live-action Happy Madison production. But it wasn't. Many of the movie's detractors feel it should've just been done in live-action.

The movie is inspired by the Whitey character from one of Adam Sandler's comedy albums, and sometimes I feel the movie could've worked better with him as the main character and Davey a complex deuteragonist. Going through the deleted scenes, you could tell the crew went through a few ideas of just how far they wanted to push the exaggerated, cartoony stuff. What kind of jokes they thought could work or that they could get away with, etc. Certainly a cartoonish decapitation of a kid, and a monkey that explodes into a gory mess would've easily landed this thing an R rating, but they weren't going for that ultimately. You have this weird mix of a very dark and often mean movie, but it's also PG-13 and it doesn't go too far so it's more accessible to kids and still fits the bill of being a "warm holiday special" kind of movie. I do gotta give props to the filmmakers for wanting to make a big, mainstream Hanukkah movie in a sea of gazillions of Christmas movies, no matter the end result.

And yet... It worked on this fellow when they were 11 years old, so Sandler, Kearsley and his crew must've done something right! I can quote most of this, that's how obsessed I was with this movie circa December 2003-January 2004. With holiday money or something, I literally bought the VHS of it. We had it on DVD as well, but I bought a VHS for myself because back then, I did not have a DVD player in my room... So, a tape it was. It came with the live-action short A DAY WITH THE MEATBALL, starring Adam Sandler's bulldog at the time, much like the DVD.

So yeah, I find it a fascinating movie to this day, not because of its battlefield of tones (life itself is tonally uneven, too) or some of its truly strange sequences such as the one where the product placement all comes to life in the mall, but because of its history and also... The visuals are quite nice. IRON GIANT animation team involved (the boy Benjamin kinda reminded me of Hogarth anyways, of course I made the connection at a young age), and even the songs I find amusing. They got Alison Krauss to sing on at least one of them, so that's a plus. Some of the eleventh hour rushed stuff, such as the declining animation quality on the townspeople during the Bum Biddy bit, is fun to spot too. And I do overall like the premise of this movie; a relentlessly kind man who is overlooked by his community Odd Couple-ing with a total asshole who had a tragic childhood, in a sort of blah and miserable blue-collar town setting, some heavy stuff that this movie that - with more tact and less poopy jokes - could've really handled well.

I hate the term "guilty pleasure", but this could possibly be that for me. That's what I like about "bad" animated movies of the '90s and early '00s, there's usually something very interesting going on in it, whether it's through the seemingly-confused storytelling or the idiosyncratic choices in the visuals. I think with a slew of cheap live-action movies, those are indeed efforts at the end of the day, but with an animated movie... There's a lot more to it, and that it's a miracle one of these things even gets finished, let alone released. In live-action, it's just they shot a bit and did some post... With an animated film like this, a lot happens along the way, no matter the end product. It's easy to say "it's all negated by the script", but I think it's more complex than that... And that's part of what I find appealing about EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS to this day.

[ghoste-catte]

hi! I'm not sure if this is an odd question but do you ever experience anxiety when it comes to sharing your fics and if so, how do you deal with that? I used to enjoy writing but somehow I got stuck in a loop where I avoid sharing my works out of fear that others will judge what I create but this also keeps me from improving at all. I know content creators are generally told to not worry about making mistakes and that it's also part or the process but I find this is easier said than done.. (this makes me respect any kind of artist so much more tbh. like, I think the worst kind of pressure is the one you put onto yourself and idk how others deal with that?) anyways, thanks for reading, I'm a big fan of yours 🙏🥰

Not an odd question at all!

When I first started writing fic as an adult, I had horrible anxiety about it. I had written maybe 10 "fics" as a teenager, but they were all really short or something stupid I had written with friends. So when I dipped my toes back into fanfic in my 20s, I had to sit in complete isolation in my bedroom, with the door closed, with headphones in. Even though my wife knew I was writing fic, I absolutely could not have her in the room with me. When I first started, I was so mortified that I'd just write G and L if I was handwriting in a notebook, just in case someone inexplicably saw it.

For me, what helped me get over that escalating anxiety and actually post the damn thing was twofold:

I joined an event, where I had assigned prompts and an assigned posting date, so I felt a sense of external pressure and obligation to post.

I had been rolling Hanakotoba around in my head for literal years, and I really did want people to read it.

I do understand the feeling of vulnerability with taking the text and putting it out there for others. There's often, for me at least (still to this day!), a feeling of apprehension about people being able to know things about me based on my work. I overcome this generally by writing for events, prompts, and other people. It both ups the pressure to actually produce and post something and feels a bit less vulnerable: no, see, I wrote this for something; this isn't just my personal id on display.

So if your issue is the mortifying idea of being known, we're lucky to live in a time where you have a few options:

You can post your fic to the Anonymous collection on Ao3, so that no one ties it to you specifically.

You can pick a username that doesn't link to any of your other usernames and not link your socials to the fic, leaving it fully pseudonymous.

You can turn off comments, screen comments, or disallow comments from guest users on Ao3.

You can post the fic and orphan it (though this removes any control you have over the fic like being able to edit or delete it).

You can post the fic with minimal tags (just 'Creator Chose Not to Warn' and a fandom), to reduce the likelihood of it being seen.

Add a disclaimer (even one of those silly tags like 'No beta; we die like Neji') or something in the author's note to let potential readers know how you're feeling. Something like: "Hey, this is my first time posting a fic, so I'm really nervous! Encouragement is very welcome." (The one thing I wouldn't suggest doing is putting something like, "I know this sucks!" - that does genuinely turn people off from reading.)

If your concern is the publication of judgment, I don't think you have much to worry about there. Fandom has largely moved away from a concrit culture (where public posting was automatically assumed to be an invitation for people to critique your work, sometimes harshly). I rarely see people leave critical comments on fic. That's not to say I've never seen them, but they're easy enough to delete and just not respond to.

On the other hand, if you're just worried about internet randos thinking things about you in their head but not saying anything ... I hate to not have very good advice about this, but it really is just something you have to let go. Just like you can't control what anyone thinks of you in real life, you can't control how they think of you or your work online. Your work isn't gonna be for everyone, and that's okay! What matters is that you like it or want to share it.

One last thing: There's no shame in writing for yourself and not publishing. You don't need to publish to improve. If improvement is your goal, check out writing advice blogs, pick apart the stories you like to find the things that make them work for you, and read voraciously. It's practice that leads to improvement, not publication.

Sorry for the essay. I hope this is helpful!!

[justcallmefox89]

The Royal Romance: Cinderfella’s Adventures in Cordonia - Chapter 10

An AU of The Royal Romance with a male MC and a bisexual prince.

It’s been over a year since Callum fled Cordonia in disgrace and went into hiding, but now some familiar faces are back in New York and searching for their missing friend.

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven 

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Hana asks, nervously fiddling with the bracelet on her wrist.  “I don’t think we should ambush him like this.”

“It’s not an ambush, Lee,” Drake mutters.  “We’re just stopping by to say hello.”

“To someone who doesn’t know we’re coming.  That we haven’t talked to in over a year.  Yeah, you’re right.  That’s totally not an ambush.”  Maxwell rolls his eyes as he hurries to keep up with Drake’s quick pace.  The crowded New York sidewalk is difficult to navigate, and more than once Maxwell crashes into a stranger as he struggles to keep pace with Drake’s long-legged stride.

“Look.”  Drake stops in front of a run-down bodega and gestures for Maxwell and Hana to come closer. “This is our last chance.  Liam is going to marry Madeline in eight days. Eight.  Fucking.  Days.   And we all know that if he goes through with it, it will be the worst mistake of his life.  Seeing Callum again could be the thing that tips the scales and convinces Liam to call off the wedding.”

Maxwell can’t keep the skeptical look off his face and Drake scowls at him.

“What if Callum doesn’t want to see Liam again?” Hana frets. “This feels like we’re going to be manipulating him.”

“It feels that way because that’s exactly what Drake wants to do,” Maxwell replies, deadpan.

“I want to stop my best friend from making the biggest mistake of his life!” Drake snaps.  

“And you want to use Callum to do it!”

“Please don’t fight.”  Hana’s eyes worriedly flit between the two men. 

Drake sighs scrubbing his hands over his face.  “Look,” he sighs.  “We all know that there was something between them.  Something real.  What’s the harm in putting them in the same room for five minutes so they can talk?”

“So much harm,” Hana answers.

“Literally all the harm,” Maxwell says.

“If you both think this is such a horrible idea, why did you come with me?”  Drake throws his hands up, exasperated.

Maxwell steps closer and places his hands on Drake’s shoulders. “All we’re trying to say, is that if someone changes their phone number, moves out of their apartment, completely ghosts their job and old co-workers, and deletes all their social media… maybe they don’t want to be found.  And that showing up out of the blue to talk to this alleged person might cause said alleged person to freak out.”

“We’re just worried,” Hana says softly.  “About you and Callum.”

“Also, how did you even find him?” Maxwell asks.

Drake flushes and stares down at his boots.  “Just… research,” he mumbles.

“What kind of research?”

“Does it matter?” he tries to deflect.

“Drake…”

He wilts under Hana inquisitive stare.  “I asked Bastien to find all clubs and bars Callum’s family owns.”

“Go on,” she encourages.

“Then I searched through their social media accounts and the accounts of any customers who mentioned them until I found someone who mentioned a bartender who’s description matched Callum’s.  Then I narrowed my search to that particular bar’s Instagram page until I found him in the background of a few regular customers’ tagged pictures.  I think he might be working there.  Or at least visits there sometimes.  Either way, someone will have to know who he is and where we can find him.”

Hana flounders, opening and closing her mouth, trying to find a response. Maxwell has no such compunctions.

“So you stalked him,” he says, frowning at Drake in disapproval.

Drake glares at him, the tips of his ears turning bright red. “No!”

“Callum doesn’t want to be found!  The fact that you had to go so far to even get a hint at where he might be proves it!  That’s literally the definition of stalking!”

Drake’s shoulders bunch up around his ears, and he muscles past Maxwell, charging down the sidewalk.  

“This is so fucked,” Maxwell mutters, running his hands through his hair.

Hana rubs her hand between his shoulder blades in soothing circles. “I miss Callum too, but this feels… personal for Drake.  More so than just trying to keep Liam from marrying Madeline.”

“Everything’s been so messed up since Callum left,” Maxwell sighs. “This is all my fault.  If I hadn’t convinced Callum to come to Cordonia none of this would have ever happened.  Drake and Liam would still be getting along, Callum wouldn’t have had to give up his life -”

“No,” Hana sternly interrupts him.  “None of this is your fault.  None of it.  And I don’t want to hear another word about it, do you understand?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he says meekly, nodding.

“Good.”  She links their arms together.  “Now let’s catch up to Drake.  I have a feeling he’s going to need our support tonight.”

[alexanderflowerbird]

Some thoughts about my ex cuz at this point I just do not care lol

So, I checked the hateraid playlist again cuz why wouldn’t I, and new Halsey songs have been added. On one hand, my ex LOVES Halsey, so I can see that her particular brand of romantic tragedy might hold its appeal, but lyrically speaking none of this makes any sense. You’d think we had this tumultuous, ups and downs, fighting screaming throwing up sort of relationship, the sort of love that is so intoxicating even if it’s toxic when like… we were very domestic, barely fought over the five years we were together, the biggest blow up outside of the fight before the break up was a result of them violating my boundaries and prioritizing the comfort of another partner over my sexual safety, so like… what do you mean Easier than Lying by Halsey bro??? What do you mean You Should Be Sad my guy???

The hilarious and confusing thing about this level of pissed off crying to my mixtape from them to me is that like… they have no idea why I ended things. They don’t know and neither does my other ex, because they’ve both been too cowardly to do what they know I expect if they want communication and likely? They don’t want to know my side of things because if there’s been a theme across the mess that has been the destruction of my polycule, it’s that these two would literally rather die than be wrong or feel like they did something harmful. I’ve always had a policy as far as how I handle people who fuck with me. The worse it is, the braver you have to be to communicate with me. If you hurt me enough, you lose the right to text me and have a conversation where you get to curate your responses and delay. You have to call me. If it’s worse than that, you have to show up and meet me and look me in my face. My exes are at that level not because they were the worst partners ever to exist and it was so toxic the whole time and bla bla bla. We’re at that point because they tried to unhouse me. Because in the end, they tried to manipulate our friends into believing I was having a psychotic break, that I was dangerous to their pets and our household, that I was becoming malicious and dangerous.

We are at the point where we don’t speak and no closure can be had because it would appear to me that they agreed together this was the best course of action, and true to my ex’s behavior in many other conflicts, they sent someone else to do their dirty work while they silently reaped the benefits. They seem to think that I used them, that I selfishly moved out and planned to abandon them, that I was awful and secretly evil the whole time when like… the last fight we had, I was actively on my knees begging them to listen to me and they wouldn’t. They screamed at me for the first time in five years because I asked them a clarifying question. They expressed that they literally could not work things out with me without a counselor present because they were so overwhelmed by having to deal with this head on. How were we gonna fix these things under the same roof? I moved out because I was being emotionally abused by both of my partners, and I knew that it would only get worse if I stayed in that apartment. But I thought I’d known them both well enough that if I moved out, and we did couples counseling and we went back to the dating phase, seeing each other on weekends, having hard talks and going to our own safe spaces, we’d find our way back to normal.

They’re over there biting their knuckle and hating my guts to ‘I hope ur miserable til ur dead’ like I put a cannonball through their life when I was doing the only thing I could do to save our relationship, and ended it because having two partners who would conspire to put me on the street during the summer time because I hurt their feelings was untenable. I got told I needed to leave because I ‘maliciously’ deleted a playlist I didn’t delete, and this perceived action was attributed to the entirety of my person. I got framed as some how deeply malicious and pitifully mentally unstable and if my friends and husband hadn’t been right there to watch me make the decisions I was making to try and save things, it would’ve been a they said/they said situation. I’m not the one who chose to recluse and shied away from our friends, who avoided hard conversations about what happened like the plague. I didn’t move out with plans to cut and run. Yes, where we were at when things ended was really bad, but I didn’t think our whole relationship was a lie. I see a lot of things now in retrospect that were problems, with me, with them, with how we communicated, but when I’m not having a chuckle at how stupid they look, did I think they were evil, awful, I hope ur miserable til ur dead levels of toxic? No. Just stupid. Just scared. Just utterly inequipped to navigate a conflict that really tests a relationship.

Now why am I putting this on the internet? Idk. I guess to be honest, I’m tired of having back room conversations about how I feel that are supposed to make me feel better and walking away from those conversations feeling like I’m between a rock and a hard place. If they hadn’t tried to unhouse me, hadn’t called me crazy and evil, hadn’t ran away from me insisting they didn’t want to hear how I felt last time we actually spoke? I’m the type of person who would’ve reached out. It has always felt right to me to reach out if I thought the person was worth trying to reason with, and I’m not gonna pretend that I didn’t feel that way about my exes. I thought we could overcome anything, once. But I can’t do that, both because that’s an act of self sacrifice that would violate my self respect and because I told myself that I wouldn’t talk to a wall again, that the only way I could be certain they were ready to hash shit out is if they came to me. And they haven’t, they’ve just held as tightly as they can to this ludicrous version of me that meant them harm and was selfish and evil, oooh narcissistic toxic evil ex oooo like come on man.

I supported them through so many hard times, I celebrated their successes loudly and proudly, I promised to spend my life with them and meant it until keeping that promise meant I was going to suffer in ways I wasn’t sure I could survive. So, I guess this is on the internet because it’s half way reaching out. If they’re looking at my socials as much as I look at theirs, if they’re lurking and watching for things to be mad about, I’m putting this here so that I can put this down. I have said what I needed to say somewhere where maybe they will see it. It exists, if they look for it. And maybe, knowing the reality of things they can step out of this wild, self aggrandizing delusion where they did nothing wrong and I was evil the whole time, and put it down too. We can never be together again, but hating me for shit that is made up in your brain is so, so fucking lame. I loved you very much, get a life, move on, I wish you well as much as I find the behavior you showed yourself to be capable of exhausting, heart breaking and childish. Knowing you, you’ll see this, see how long it is and decide to simply ignore it, but that’s your choice bud. I’m glad I finally said something where maybe, just maybe, you might hear it and grow the fuck up.

Here’s a song for ya, and unlike you, I really thought about it

[starjxsung]

Babe is such a universal thing, I think I’m going to start calling you honey! Honey is one of my personal favorites heheheh

I’m so sorry you went through so much star I hope you’re doing well and I can’t wait for you to be able to make that cake ahhh please send me pics! Also on the applying it’s best to stay in the job your in because it’s so true it’s hard to apply and see if you even get the job especially me as someone who’s still trying to apply and no luck ugh

What’s your love language??? Mine is words of affirmations I love telling people I care that i appreciate them so much

I don’t remember if someone had asked this before but has an anon actually tried to get with you like I know most of anons flirt with you a lot and you flirt with us and we made a mutual connection by even talking out of tumblr but like has an anon actually tried to take your flirting to the next level ie actually thought you were trying to get into a relationship????

A little life update on my end: anxiety really sucks, it’s making me lose sleep by waking up every hour and it’s messing with me a lot making me feel like my friendships are just one sided and that they rather be with other people than me. It’s not helping either that this anon on my tumblr has been saying mean things about me and criticizing the way I write ( it usually doesn’t affect me but rn with how I am mentally it kinda is) but it’s getting so bad that opening my phone and seeing notifications just makes me want to puke

🩶

NO BC HONEY IS SOOO CUUUUUUTE it feels like marriage vibes frfr I love it 🤞🥹

I WILLLL POST PICS OF JILIX CAKE TOMORROW PROBABLY I actually bought one of those mini birthday cakes and it’s been sitting in my fridge for like 3 days so it probably tastes like shit now but it’s SOOOO CUTE IM SO EXCITED 💓 Ughhhhh I know exactly what you mean the job market sucks ASSSSSS rn I just know it’s gonna be an ordeal but I’m definitely still looking at what’s out there and seeing if there’s anything I can transition into that might be a little easier bc my work load right now is the fucking worst :(

Love language HMMMM I think it’s words of affirmation for myself, and then for others I’m really partial to gift giving 💞 I loooove being the kind of person who just finds something cute online and sends it to someone or surprises them w it! I order my sister little desserts sometimes since she lives in another city or sometimes I get random shit for my parents or friends bc it reminds me of them I just love seeing people’s reactions to gifts 🥹

The anon question hahaha yesssss I was in a kinda long situationship type thing w an anon on here and it ended really badly. I truly wish her nothing but the best now and we’re no longer on talking terms, but I’m always grateful for the people I have the pleasure of being in romantic relationships/situationships with even if they end badly ! I hope she finds what she’s looking for eventually

Also I’m so sorry to hear about your anxiety :((( I’m kind of in the same boat rn (literally just picked up my antidepressants today slayyy) but holy fuck wym there’s an anon sending you hate?? Hello?????? That is so fucked up oh my god I’ve gotten my fair share of anon hate on here but please just delete any messages you get and don’t even give them the time of day. It’s so fucked up they’d stoop so low and hide behind an anonymous profile to send hate to random people. What have they even been saying to you? If you need to send me anything privately on discord pls feel free to do so :( I’m so sorry this is happening my love you don’t deserve this at all and it’s gross people would think to do that. I love you so so much please ignore those losers