#like even if the people involved do encourage it it just feels nasty and like an even more dehumanising thing to put a real person through

[normal-looking-male]

Bitches will post one of the most beautiful homoerotic pieces of artwork, like, the most sensual and emotional shit imaginable. Maybe sprinkle a bit of monsterfuckery in there. I will be staring at the details for a couple full minutes. I will be picking apart the symbolism and emotional themes in my head. I will be tempted to write a fucking essay in the tags.

And then it's not some blorbos, but real people. Like, not even live-action characters, but real-ass human beings that happened to be popular online. Probably some fucking TouYubers that collaborate sometimes, and have ACTUAL PARTNERS IN REAL LIFE, and maybe have even expressed discomfort with this sort of content, but NOPE, since when have fandoms given a shit about that.

"Separate fiction from reality" is a very common proshitter phrase used to excuse their nasty bullshit, but, in truth, we need to separate real human beings from people's imaginations. This shit's nasty.

[jnnul]

falling in love at first sight (x3)

a/n: so i woke up in cold sweat and i had to write this. there's like 30k i could've written about this but tbh, i needed to get this out lol. also taesan has been living in my head rent free so this is his eviction notice. quick note: feedback, comments, etc. GREATLY encourage writers! if you felt any sort of way (in a good or bad way!) about this fic, pls leave feedback!

word count: 6.3k

tags: college au!, basketballplayer!taesan x nurse!y/n, honestly it's just a fluff piece, idiots in love, dongmin is DOWN BAD and falls in love with the same girl 3 times, uhh y/n is a feisty nurse warnings: taesan is called dongmin, uhh alcohol + memory loss involved with getting shitfaced lol

HAN DONGMIN DIDN'T REALLY BELIEVE IN SUPERSTITIONS. to him, things like 'knocking on wood' or 'not opening an umbrella inside' were just old wives' tales that didn't have much substance to them.

but after dongmin had shattered his bedroom mirror this morning (he'd accidentally launched his alarm clock across the room after sleeping too late last night), nearly every single thing in his life had gone wrong.

he'd put expired milk in his cereal because kim donghyun (his roommate) hadn't switched out the milk like he'd promised to the day before. then he went to take a shower, only to be burned by scalding hot water since the landlord refused to change the heating system, even though they'd been suffering through the sticky heat of august for fifteen days already. as if all of that wasn't enough, he'd accidentally torn his favorite hoodie trying to clean up the fragments that'd fallen on the floor. and when he was trying to salvage his hoodie, he scraped his forearm against the fragments, meaning he had a nasty gash along the long side of it.

which meant he'd have to go to the hospital to take care of this stupid bloody mess instead of going to class.

that was how han dongmin found himself sitting in the waiting room of the urgent care center of the hospital, a shoddy rag wrapped around his forearm, his essentials hoodie covered in blood, expired milk, and mirror dust.

needless to say, dongmin had gotten more than a few strange looks from the other people in the waiting room in the last four minutes he'd been there.

"han dongmin!" the receptionist calls out, and dongmin launches himself out of his chair, impatient to get this over with as soon as possible.

something about hospitals just gave dongmin the heebie jeebies. the fluorescent lighting, the smell of rubbing alcohol, the tangible feeling of sickness that wafted through the air.

ugh. dongmin hated hospitals. in fact, he was so sure that he would never even step foot in a hospital after this. if he needed to wrap himself in bubble wrap to do so, then so be it because he hated hospitals and he would never come ba -

dongmin stops dead in his tracks, right next to the recovery bed that the receptionist had led him to. standing in front of him was the most gorgeous person he'd ever seen in his life.

you were smiling at something the patient in front of you was saying, leaning over to bandage the patient's scrape with a little bandaid that had cartoon ryans all over it.

fuck that.

dongmin was ready to break his leg if it meant that he got to stay in the hospital and stare at your beautiful face all day. before he could find something big and heavy to knock his leg into, however, you make your way over to dongmin, clipboard and first aid kit in hand.

"hello," you say with a soft smile. "my name is y/n l/n and i'll be taking care of you today. is there anything i can help you with?"

"will you go out with me?" the words escape dongmin's mouth before he can even process what he's saying and you immediately lean backwards, a disproving wrinkle between your eyebrows.

"excuse me?" you say, and it's clear that dongmin's not gonna be in your good graces if he hits on you. he really hoped you were like this with everyone and not that you just found him super unattractive or anything (donghyun swore up and down that dongmin was not ugly - especially now that he'd dyed his hair! but donghyun also never had to chase after a girl in his life so...). or worse, if you already had a boyfriend.

but before he can ruminate about your affronted stance too deeply, dongmin rushes to fix his mistake. "i mean, hospitals really freak me out. the ethanol smell and the lighting and everything kinda gets in my head, you know what i mean? do you think you could just slap some gauze on outside?"

the tension in your shoulders immediately relaxes and you take a step forward once more, setting the first aid kit down next to dongmin.

"oh yeah, that makes sense," you say, sounding relieved. "unfortunately, i can only provide care while inside the hospital to make sure that the instruments and gauze are sterile to prevent any contamination. i promise i'll be as quick as possible so i can get you out of here!" you explain, a slight pout tugging your lips down in the most adorable way as you seem genuinely sorry for dongmin.

it was official: han dongmin was in love.

"no, don't worry. take your time. i mean, the cut is pretty bad and i don't wanna leave any mirror guts in it," dongmin says. as quick as possible, my ass, he thinks to himself. i gotta find a way to make this last for as long as i can.

"of course!" you assure, before looking down at the clipboard. "so i assume you cut yourself on a broken mirror? does it hurt when you apply pressure?"

what was the answer that would keep you here longer?

"yes?"

"are you asking me or telling me?"

"telling?"

"very convincing. i'm gonna need to apply pressure and confirm for myself then, if that's alright with you?" you look at him in a way that seems to be somewhat apprehensive and dongmin has never wanted to reverse time more than in this very instant.

until he doesn't because your hands are on his forearm, examining the wound gently and applying pressure around the open gash.

"does it hurt when i do this?" you ask, eyes trained on the way that his forearm muscles ripple and move as you apply pressure in different places.

dongmin's not the most buff guy on the planet, and you checking out his muscles was definitely not for your own pleasure, but at least all of his time on the court and in the gym has paid off in some way.

"uh...no. not unless you're super close to the cut," dongmin says and you nod with a gentle smile. it's in that moment that dongmin decides that he would kill anyone and anything just to see you smile like that again,

"that's good to hear. well, i guess that all we need to do is 'slap some gauze on' after disinfecting the wound and making sure we don't have any 'mirror guts' in it," you say, a hint of cheekiness in your tone. dongmin doesn't know what it is about it but it makes him blush, regardless.

"yeah. that sounds good," he says dreamily, trying hard to compose himself once more when you flash him a questioning look.

you work carefully on his arm, making sure to give a tiny little stress ball to dongmin to use when you descend upon his wound with some antibacterial medicine and rubbing alcohol on a cotton ball.

"so, uh, you look pretty young for a doctor...?" dongmin says, trying very hard to focus his attention on you instead of the stinging pain that came with every touch of the cotton ball on his wound. the more he looked at you, the more he began to wonder if he'd seen you somewhere before.

dongmin wasn't the superstitious type, and didn't exactly believe in 'love at first sight', but no matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't place you anywhere in his memory.

"that might be because 'm not a doctor," you say somewhat distractedly. "i'm a nursing student."

"oh. oh! you're a nursing student?" he asks. student. that means that you were either his age or just a few years older than him. and it also probably meant that you were a student at a university near by - maybe his?

"yep. a second year. although, don't worry, i've completed all of my first aid clinicals last year itself," you explain, leaning back in satisfaction when you finish cleaning up the wound.

"my school has a pretty famous nursing program, you know. maybe you've heard of yonsei's nursing program?" dongmin asks, eyes shining with hope.

it's only then that you look up at dongmin with an excited look in your eyes, turning to throw away the used cotton balls.

"i go to yonsei as well! i'm just starting my second year. it's a little strange because the nursing program runs through the summer, which is why i'm working clinicals right now. i'm almost done though, so i'll be switching into a field i'm more interested in," you say and dongmin swears he hears wedding bells in his mind. beautiful, kind, intelligent, and the same age as him? it was like god was basically handing his soulmate to him on a platter. maybe love at first sight was real after all.

"me too! well, i'm not a nursing major, but i'm a second year electrical engineering major," dongmin says, watching you turn back towards him with a clipboard.

"mhm, well, i've gotta tell you to be careful for the next week or so. no heavy lifting, sports, and definitely no cutting things. we don't want to make the wound worse, now do we?" you say chidingly, scribbling instructions on the clipboard of how to clean the wound with rubbing alcohol and how many pills of ibuprofen to take per day.

"of course," dongmin says half-heartedly. as much as dongmin hated the feeling of pain, the was the only way that he could think of to get to see you again was to somehow hurt himself again.

"how about you come back in a week to just make sure that it closed up well? make sure it didn't get infected or anything?" you ask, handing him the sheet of paper.

god was real.

dongmin swore he was going to go to church and donate at least 10,000 won for the blessing after blessing he was receiving today.

"oh sure," he says, a mischievous thought popping into his head. "but is it ok if i find you on campus? i have a lot of labs over the next week and i can't miss them if i can't even participate in them, so i can at least get the information. i won't really have time to stop by the hospital," dongmin says carefully, watching your expression to ensure that it wasn't changing with every word that escaped your lips.

technically, it wasn't a lie. dongmin did have a lot of labs next week but that's definitely not why he wouldn't have time to stop by the hospital.

"i don't see why not. i don't need any sterile instruments to just check quickly, so that shouldn't be an issue," you say slowly, nodding to yourself as you look around the little station to make sure you wouldn't need any of the equipment.

"perfect," dongmin says, shuffling out of the bed that he was sitting in to leave before turning around nonchalantly. "do you think i could get your number? so i know where to find you?"

you look up at him, and dongmin tries his best to seem sincere and genuine rather than as calculating as he felt, trying every tactic possible to see you again.

"yeah. yeah, here let me type it into your phone."

he hands his phone over to you, and it takes every single fiber of his being to keep himself from looking excited about any part of this transaction. you were already suspicious enough of him; you definitely didn't need more reasons to add to the list.

you're frowning slightly when you hand the phone back to him so dongmin pockets it without a second thought, to prove that he wasn't trying to be weird.

"thank you so much again." dongmin waves as he leaves, flashing the award-winning smile that he usually reserves for aunties and restaurant owners for free sides. oh, and for his fans.

you don't blush and trip over yourself when he does like his fans do - although you offer him a soft smile in return.

although, dongmin muses, i guess it would be weird if a nurse who met me for the first time would be anything like a college basketball star's fan though. maybe.

he shakes his head, opening the door to the hospital, looking down at his arm wrapped in gauze. yeah. there was no way that dongmin was taking a break from basketball. season started in less than three weeks and as yonsei's point guard, he had no choice but to just power through the injury.

it might work out in his favor after all. at least it would give him more chances to see you.

+++

turns out, the universe gives him a chance less than two days after he sees you for the first time. and in any other case, dongmin would be incredibly excited to see you again. he'd probably be ready, waiting with freshly showered hair and clean clothes and nice smelling cologne.

instead, when he sees you again, he's wearing raggedy shorts, a stained shirt, and holding a basketball that he definitely should not be holding.

dongmin knew he was fucked the moment you walked in through the double doors that opened up to the indoor basketball court of yonsei, light spilling in from the outdoors, along with the chatter and excitement of students returning to university.

you walk in wearing white, along with six other people dressed similarly, the basketball team's physician (dr. moon taeil) at the head of them all. dongmin hopes that you don't recognize him - or at least don't see him actively playing but of course, you manage to turn your head to see dongmin throw the ball out of his hands in a random direction in panic.

the ball, then of course, managed to fall neatly through the hoop, as though dongmin had intentionally thrown it there, causing him to want to die on the spot.

so he couldn't do that during a game with korea university, but now that he was doing everything in his power to keep you from seeing him play basketball, now he manages to throw it in the one place it shouldn't go.

your eyes narrow when dongmin turns to face you, your gaze falling to his (poorly) wrapped forearm. he offers you a trembling grin, which slowly turns into a frown when you look away, shaking your head as you start talking to the girl next to you.

at least you wouldn't say anything to coach about how he wasn't supposed to be playing right now, dongmin thinks to himself. even if i've effectively ruined my chances of her ever believing me about anything ever again. uh. not that i've had more than one conversation with her. or might have more in the future.

dongmin shivers, jogging over to where the basketball had fallen to pick it up and return to his place at the three-point line and continue shooting practice.

he returns to where he's supposed to be practicing, so that his back is facing the group of people who'd entered - namely, you.

"i forgot coach mentioned that we've got new on-site medical staff," dongmin mutters to himself, dribbling the ball before lining up his shot. "i didn't know that she'd be a part of that though - she can't be the sporty type if she didn't recognize me from the hospital."

dongmin is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't even feel the dark presence looming over him until the ball is released from his hand.

"HAN DONGMIN!" someone yells, right next to his ear, and dongmin scrambles to attention, wincing when the basketball bounces off the rim and into the cart of basketballs he was practicing with with a resounding clang!

he turns slowly, eyes closed, as if that would make you go away.

"i cannot believe that i bandaged you up so carefully just for you to start playing again! how could you be so careless? do you not want to be able to play during the season? you're yonsei's ace and you're being this irresponsible!" you're heaving by the end of your rant and dongmin blinks, trying to come up with a response.

you definitely didn't know him well enough to yell at him like this - much less in front of all of his teammates - but for some reason, that's not what stuck out to dongmin.

(much to his chagrin, you being angry was hot. like really hot. especially since he'd thought you'd be the soft and cozy type, not the impulsive and quick to anger type. he really liked this side of you.)

"you know who i am?" he asks slowly.

"OF COURSE I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! OH, YOU ARE GETTING ON MY NERVES. YOU ASS, I DIDN'T BANDAGE YOU UP THAT NEATLY FOR YOU TO BE WALKING AROUND SHOOTING THREES!"

you're yelling at him, and for some reason, dongmin has never wanted to kiss someone more in his life. he'd never though he'd be this attracted to someone that he's just met yelling at him, much less in front of his entire team and her own entire team. but for some reason, as dongmin looks at you waving your hands all crazy and annoyed, all he can think about it how much he likes you.

it wasn't just physical. of course, he thought you were beautiful - possibly the most beautiful person he'd ever seen in his life and he would die on that hill - but it was more than that. it was as though he'd genuinely fallen in love at first sight.

you could tell him that you were a serial killer and at this point, dongmin would just admire your bloodlust.

"uh. dongmin?" coach jung says behind him, hands crossed over his chest. "do you guys need a moment to step out and come back?"

even coach jung seems a little bit intimidated by your livid state of being and dongmin has to cough to cover up his life.

"no coach. we're done here," you say, turning dramatically on your heel to turn back to your friends. but dongmin moves quicker than even his own mind can process what happens.

before he can think, his hand is wrapped around your wrist, spinning you closer to him, almost as if the two of you were ballroom dancing.

you look up at him, shocked, but dongmin is slow to let go of your wrist, not wanting to lose contact with you.

"no, we need just a moment," dongmin says, his eyes never leaving your own. it's clear that you neither expected this nor were used to this kind of behavior from anyone and before the fight that's building inside of you bubbles out, dongmin tilts his head toward the door that leads to a hallway extending to the equipment room, practically begging you with his eyes.

you aqcuiesce - or at least, dongmin thinks you do - from the way that your shoulder melt just the slightest and you let him pull you into the hallway.

"what?" you snap the second the door shuts behind the two of you. "okay, maybe i didn't let on that i knew you from our encounter, but that's irrelevant. i didn't need to tell you that i knew you. and besides, as your healthcare provider, it would have been extremely irresponsible on my end for me to let slip that i'm a fan - or that i know you personally at all."

dongmin can't help but let a small smile slip. "personally? we know each other personally?"

you fluster in that moment, looking anywhere but at dongmin, bringing a large smile to his face. he'd never thought that the feisty, quick to temper and quick to lose it, loud type was his type but he was starting to enjoy it very much.

"alright, well i know you personally enough, alright?" you huff, crossing your arms over your chest. "we've met before."

now it's dongmin's turn to look flustered, as he wracks his brain, trying to come up when or where the two of you have met before. he wasn't the one-night-stand type, so that couldn't be it. he also didn't have an insane amount of friends outside of the basketball team and donghyun's friends, so that wasn't it either.

"i'm really sorry - and i'm definitely trying to hit on you, just not right now - but i don't remember. i'd definitely remember someone like you," dongmin says, and he's well aware of the fact that his tone does not sound any level of displeased, and rather dreamy.

you roll your eyes, looking down at the ground. "we kissed once. twice actually. but um. that's not my point."

you clear your throat, as if you hadn't just dropped the biggest bomb of the century on dongmin, shaking your head. "why the hell are you playing basketball on an injured arm anyway? i specifically said no sports!"

dongmin raises an eyebrow. "you say you're my fan and yet you're still asking me why i'm playing when we have our first game in a week. and hold on. i'm not letting go of that first part; we've kissed? twice?"

you shrug, but it's clear that you don't think of it as nonchalantly as you're trying to make it sound when you speak. "yeah. in freshman year. once in spring semester and then once in fall. it's not a big deal. to you at least. clearly you kiss a lot of girls, if you don't even remember us kissing at all."

"now that's not fair," dongmin pouts, but he's well aware that he's not conveying this well at all. suddenly, a flash of a girl wearing a red dress, looking up at him with big eyes and a pouty lips crosses his mind.

good god. were - were you dongmin's mystery girl?

+++

"what do you mean dongmin finally found his mystery girl? the one he's been crushing on for a full year?" myung jaehyun says incredulously, instantly pulling out his phone to look you up on instagram.

dongmin sits in the middle of his friends, all sitting at the same table as they were supposed to be eating lunch, his head resting in his hands.

"you mean the one that he swore was the love of his life? god, he wouldn't shut up about that for at least six months," lee sanghyuk says, shoveling noodles in his mouth.

"try a year," donghyun groans, rubbing his forehead in pain. "do you remember the state of this kid when he woke up the next day?"

"good god, it was horrible. all he could say for a full week was that he wanted to jump out of the window because he'd lost her number and that he was never going to find true love because he couldn't remember her name, number, or even what she looked like," sanghyuck adds.

park sungho, the newest addition to their friend group, blinks, looking at dongmin, who's head is still in his hands.

"you were down bad, man," he muses and jaehyun on the side of him snorts.

"down bad doesn't even begin to describe it. it got to the point where we had 'girl in the red dress' and 'true love' jars because he would talk about her." jaehyun sighed, looking at dongmin pointedly. "he'd put enough money that we'd bought alc for the rest of freshman year. just in spring semester."

"that's what you get for trying to prove that you could drink a 4lokos without getting shitfaced," donghyun says, nose crinkling as he recalled the hours he had to spend making sure that dongmin wasn't going to die by choking on his own spit. "and he went and did it twice. it took us months to get to the point where we could invite this guy anywhere so as long as he swore not to bring her up again."

dongmin looks up, almost excitedly. "do you think that if i drink another 4lokos, we'll kiss at another party?"

sungho leans over, smacking him upside the head. "you're so fucking dumb. and i can tell just by these stories. you're not allowed to drink until season's over, idiot. and she's on your medical team. why don't you start by making a good impression while you're not so drunk you're going to start insisting that spongebob is hydrophobic."

("you were there when that happened?")

("you idiot, you thought i was spongebob. you kept throwing my drinks away because you thought i was going to disappear into them if i drank them. which makes no sense because that's not what hydrophobic means.")

("oh. sorry man.")

"yeah. just go to the med clinic tomorrow, apologize to her, and bring her flowers or something. women eat that shit up!" sanghyuk says with a mouthful of noodles and jaehyun nods, pointing his chopsticks at him excitedly.

"they do! my girlfriend always feels better with food and flowers," he says, cheeks stuffed to the brim with carbonara.

dongmin's mind races with all of the implications of doing so, but every single one of his thoughts fade away in light of the fact that he could redeem himself in your eyes. he slams his hands down on the table, swinging his legs over the bench to run to the nearest flower shop.

"i'll be back before practice!" dongmin calls out over his shoulder, waving a quick goodbye as he sprints towards the florists.

he makes it to the edge of the courtyard before he hears the yelling of his friends behind him, turning to see them waving at him (and waving some very rude fingers at him).

"YOU FORGOT YOUR WALLET, YOU IDIOT!"

+++

dongmin's friends were useless. absolutely useless.

he'd went and bought the prettiest bouquet of flowers he could find, a nice meal from his favorite bento place, and had even bought three different types of ice cream bars because he didn't know which one you'd like.

he'd walked right into the medical clinic office, his apology gifts all in hand, ready to apologize to you, redeem his honor, and become your own true love.

the last part probably wasn't going to work anyway, but the first two should've been foolproof.

instead, he manages to prove that he was a fool.

as it turns out, he wasn't the only person who thought that the flowers were beautiful; dongmin had managed to bring the queen bee as a secret surprise in the bouquet, which meant that the rest of her hive was NOT very happy that he'd committed royal kidnap, as far as the bees were concerned.

"HAN DONGMIN WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!" you yell from underneath your desk, where you were hiding from the sudden swarm of bees that had followed dongmin in.

he doesn't respond, too busy opening the window to drop the flowers out of, hesitating when he sees the number of people that were lounging around the courtyard that the medical office looked out of.

dongmin lines up the bouquet, sending a prayer to god (any one that would listen) as he shoots the best three he's ever shot in his life, so that the bouquet (and all of the bees that accompanied it) landed far away enough from people to prevent them from getting hurt.

of course, a few brave souls had stayed behind to exact revenge for their queen on dongmin, resulting in upwards of five bee stings, before dongmin finally evaded the great medical bee disaster once and for all.

he turns sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

"i don't suppose i could find medical care in this clinic, could i?" he says, and he's well aware of the fact that he's flushed bright red, as he always seems to when he's made a fool of himself.

thankfully, there are only four or five people, including you, in the office to witness this disaster - although, dongmin can see the girl you were talking to yesterday surpressing a smile.

"yeah, of course you could. but we're all headed on break so unfortunately, y/n is the only person who's gonna be able to give you medical care. you know, since you've already brought lunch for her," your friend says with a knowing grin. she ushers the rest of the medical staff out of the office, closing the door behind her with a telltale click.

"you can come out from under the desk now," dongmin says, and despite the situation, he finds it adorable that in the case of a bee swarm, your first instinct had been to hide underneath a desk.

"i was going to," you grumble, slinking out from your hiding spot and dusting off invisible dust from your pants. "what were you thinking, bringing flowers with bees in them?"

dongmin blushes, tilting his head as he tries to look anywhere but where you were. "i wanted to apologize to you. in my defense, i kinda always thought bees were made up. i mean, they're so fat! there's no way they should be able to fly. that directly violates like every law of aviation in the world."

your eyebrow quirks upward as you look at the ice cream and lunch he had set down on your desk in his bee-induced panic. "i can't believe you're quoting the bee movie at me right now."

"i can't believe you know i'm quoting the bee movie. i should've known the love of my life was an internet connoiseur," dongmin says with a sigh, examining the bee stings on his arm. how did these bees even manage to crawl underneath the sleeves of his shirt?

"excuse me?" you bark, hands on your hips. "did you just call me the love of your life? when you couldn't even remember who i was like yesterday?"

"okay, wait. you don't understand. first, i need you to help me out by getting some ointment on these stings because they're starting to burn and i don't know if that's so normal. and then, i'll explain everything, trust me."

you reluctantly reach back into a cabinet that reads 'insect stings' and grab the kit for bee stings, pulling a cream out of it, beckoning dongmin to come closer so that you could treat it.

"do you remember what happened that night? or those two nights, i guess?" you ask softly, eyes trained on dongmin's arm so that you don't have to look him in the eyes and he nods.

"i remember. well, as much as i can, anyway. i was blackout drunk both times. and from what i remember, you weren't exactly sober either, so i don't know how you remember me but trust me, whatever you think about me is not true. i was - i was so down bad that my friends had to make a 'no y/n' jar!" dongmin yelps the last part when your hand on his arm presses a little too hard.

"i'm sorry! sorry!" you gasp, immediately leaning over to blow cool air on the place you'd accidentally put too much pressure. "what do you mean by a no 'no y/n' jar though? i thought you didn't remember my name."

"i didn't! and it killed me! i don't remember exactly what happened those nights but i remember how much i liked you. i remember thinking that i'd never meet a girl like you in my life. it still frustrates me that i lost your number - although, i do remember the part where you smacked me over the head the second time that we met. i think i suffered permanent brain damage from that.

"but i remember glimpses of that night. like that red dress you were wearing and how much you were rambling about stars. you were giving me an in-depth explanation about how black holes work and something about how rockets look like they're stuck in time in black holes. not the point. but the point is that i genuinely fell in love with you that first night we met.

"i've got this horrid habit though, when i get drunk - i become either super scared of water, or super infatuated with it. it's honestly a coin-toss. so imagine my feeling the next morning when i wake up with a dissolved piece of paper in my pocket that's supposed to have your number on it, semi-wet clothes, and a raging migraine.

"i thought i met the love of my life and i couldn't even remember her name, number, or even her face. it drove me and my friends absolutely nuts. me because i didn't know how to find you when i couldn't remember anything. my friends went insane because i would talk about you so much that they bought me those swear jars for every time i mentioned you.

"of course, i didn't know your name so you were just 'the love of my life' or 'girl in the red dress' but i think i dumped at least 300,000 won in those jars by the end of the semester. and then as if the universe was out to make my life living hell, we met again and i was shitfaced again. i swore to never touch a 4lokos after that, if that's any level of redemption.

"anyway. i brought you flowers and all this stuff because i wanted to tell you that - that i've liked you for a lot longer than even i've known! i remember most of the conversations that we had, even if i couldn't remember exactly who you were. when i saw you at the hospital, i genuinely thought i was falling in love at first sight. but i guess, that's kinda not true. cause that would be my third time falling in love at first sight."

"why, though? three times? i mean, i don't think i'm ugly or anything but three times? yeah, i mean i guess i kinda also had a thing for you after those two nights. god. i wish i remembered what we talked about for us to get this attached," you say, mumbling the last part. dongmin turns to you somewhat confused, watching you as you open up the bento box he'd bought you.

"you don't remember what we talked about? besides the black holes and stuff?"

"nope. but i've also got a horrible reputation amongst my friends for how much i talked about you. the worst part is that i remembered you but not what we talked about. it was so stupid because no one believed me that han dongmin, yonsei's point guard was the guy i'd had my heart for the past year." you instinctively smile the moment you take a bite of the food and even though it's so small, dongmin's heart swells with pride.

"why didn't you ever come up to me? i mean, this whole year of pining could've been avoided if you'd talked to me," dongmin says, accepting the ice cream bar you handed him. how the hell did you know that was his favorite ice cream?

"i gave you my number once, and i kissed you twice. i figured you were just ghosting me at some point if you weren't going to reach out to me. and besides, nursing really picked up right after basketball season so...i kinda just ended up torturing my friends for the past year," you say, somewhat sheepishly, but dongmin is barely even listening anymore.

after all, how many people can say that they fell in love at first sight with the same person three times?

"well. we're here now. will you go out with me? i promise i won't even touch a 4lokos!"

"deal. as long as you promise to tell me everything we talked about that night. i still can't tell why i fell so hard for you that i chased you down a basketball court in front of your whole team."

"my stellar looks? my killer smile? my stupidly handsome personality? my superb basketball skills?"

"try your stupid attraction to water molecules."

"i have a feeling i shouldn't have told you about that."

+++

freshman year, spring semester.

"really? you've never fallen in love before?" you ask incredulously. you and dongmin are sitting on the balcony of some random friend who decided to throw a party, feet dangling over the edges in between the bars.

"nah. i don't think so," dongmin says, leaning backwards on his palms. "i don't think i've ever met someone who's ever made me feel like my entire heart is their's to do whatever they want to do with."

"then let's play this game," you say, clumsily pulling out your phone. "that one thing on new york times, where you fall in love with someone within 36 questions."

"why? you want me to fall in love with you?" dongmin says, leaning over with a cheeky smile. you push him playfully, focused on trying to pull up the questions list.

"you'd do that whether i told you to or not," you fire back. "and besides, i think i'm a fantastic kisser. so you're probably already in love."

"you're right," dongmin says with a sigh. "i think i am."

freshman year, fall semester.

"question 36. i can't believe we never finished all the questions last time," you say. this time the two of you are sitting so close, dongmin can still taste the watermelon chapstick you're wearing. at this point though, dongmin might as well be the one wearing it.

"to be fair, last time i think we were otherwise preoccupied."

"get your mind out of the gutter!"

"i was talking about how many times you kept getting distracted by the dog."

"anyway. we're on question 36; are you in love with me yet?"

"i should be asking you that. i've been in love."

"han dongmin! i thought you weren't the superstitious type?"

"i'll be whatever you want me to be."

[cellophanejpeg]

quirk play | Amajiki T.

Amajiki Tamaki x nameless!oc/reader

s.: She can't stop thinking about it. Ever since her best friend mentioned it, the act of having tentacle sex with her boyfriend won't leave her mind and it's driving her insane. Maybe she should try it once, just out of curiosity…

w.c.: 4.9k

a.n.: wrote this last year, but only posted on ao3 because i was scared people wouldn't like it. fuck it we ball. bnha is over and i'm bittersweet.

w.: smut, tentacle sex, very explicit, mdni

divider by @/saradika-graphics

If it weren’t for Shinsou’s nasty comment, she would’ve never thought about it.

“So, Amajiki-senpai, huh?” He had given her that stupid smug smile. “Bet you two get creative in bed with his quirk.”

Despite shutting him off  immediately, telling he was the most disgusting pervert she’d ever met – which resulted in him laughing even more at her reaction –, she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

They’ve been together for about a year and have been taking things slow ever since they met each other in high school. It wasn't usual for a first year to tutor a third year, but due to Tamaki's duties as a hero he hadn't had time to study and was almost failing in English, among other subjects that didn't involve crime fighting. So Present Mic had her to tutor him and teach him some extra English lessons, since she was fluent at it.

At first, Tamaki was so shy and hesitant that he didn't even look at her. And she thought he hated her, because during their first tutoring sessions, all he used to do was nod and look away every time she seeked his eyes with hers.

But then, after a lot of coaxing from her part, he started to open up to her. He started answering her questions more promptly, held her stare when he looked at him…

She could say she started falling for him right there, in their tutoring sessions.

And then, Tamaki had graduated high school, and was about to become a pro hero, with an actual license – not a provisional one. She remembered the day where she boldly entered the 3-A dorm, in a hot afternoon, and knocked on his door with tears in her eyes, asking for his number to keep in touch after he left.

It wasn't only until three years later that they finally admitted their feelings for each other and started a serious relationship.

Three long years of texting and late night conversations on the phone, friendly meetings at coffee shops, going to the movies as friends, and pining for each other, later and they were finally together.

After graduating, she asked him out on a date. It was a simple coffee shop date with a movie session afterwards. And to her surprise, he said yes.

Tamaki was an introverted man. He preferred staying home to going out, watching a movie on the couch instead of on a theater chair, home cooked meals and chilling inside the best he could. And when she came into his life, she showed him a world of possibilities. She encouraged him to go out more whenever he was free, to enjoy a walk in the park on a sunny day, and to go out as a couple. She didn't mind having to initiate every move, as long as he was comfortable with it. She did her best to let him not get uncomfortable with every touch, every kiss.

When they finally got together, sex wasn’t something that even crossed her mind in the first few weeks of their relationship. And when they finally did it, from the very beginning, she knew Amajiki wasn’t one for going rough at her.

He would never agree to something like that.

“You’re still thinking about it, aren’t you?” Shinsou’s voice interrupted her train of thoughts. Somehow, she knew exactly what he was talking about, but still decided to play dumb.

“Thinking about what?” Her eyes never left the streets under them.

It was a warm summer night where they both had hero duties to attend and, since neither worked in a proper agency, they chose to patrol the area in the shadows. She was hunched down the edge of a building when Hitoshi found her, deep in thought.

“You’re a bad liar.” He approached her and sat beside her, legs dangling off the edge while she was still in a crouched position. “And you look like a gargoyle right now. I could spot your wings from so far away, I’m sure any criminals would give up committing any crimes around here. You’re a like billboard for them, staying here–”

“What do you want, Shinsou?” She interrupted him, finally tearing her gaze from the city to look at her best friend.

He smiled and scoffed with a playful arrogance that was only reserved for her. She sighed and rolled eyes, dropping her gaze from him.

“Are you seriously thinking about having tentacle sex with your boyfriend?” He murmured, speaking as if they weren’t the only ones on that roof.

“I’m not even going to answer that,” she replied, closing her eyes and controlling her anger. Hitoshi had a way of getting on her nerves that no other person had.

“Poor Amajiki.” He mocked, “He’s so innocent. What would he think of his beloved girlfriend being such a pervert like that–”

A punch on the arm interrupted him and he barked out a laugh, finally getting a reaction from her.

“Are you done with your buffoonery?” Was she said before returning to her patrolling on the streets.

Shinsou took the time to watch her while she sulked. He didn’t lie, her dragon wings and horns did make her look like a gargoyle, especially as dark as they were at the moment. The crouched position, with her back hunched, the serious expression on her face… She looked more like a creature than a human.

“You know,” he said and watched as she rolled her eyes again, “when I said that, I was trying to make you angry… ‘Cause you know… It’s funny when you get angry. I didn’t mean to make you worked-up about it.”

Her eyes slowly made contact with his. She didn’t move a muscle as her wings tucked behind her, as if she was ready to attack. If he didn't know better, he'd think really was a gargoyle.

“Just stop talking about it then.” Her voice was cold despite the smoke that started coming off her nostrils. A bad sign.

“Geez, alright.” He mumbled, raising his palms to her, “Don’t go spitting fire on me…”

But the thing was that she was worked-up about it. The thought infected her mind like a virus and nothing she did made it go away. Not the steamiest sex with her boyfriend, not the vibrator she had in her nightstand drawer, not even the use of fingers made the image of tentacle sex with Tamaki leave her mind.

The fact she had a wet dream about it the night before was eating her up on the inside.

"Shinsou." She suddenly said, breaking the silence and standing up. Her thighs screamed at her for staying in the same position for so long. Shinsou looked up at her as she stretched before speaking again. "You've ruined my mind with that comment."

She didn't see the way his eyes lit up with amusement, lifting her arms to stretch her body.

"I knew it!" He exclaimed, "I knew you were thinking about–"

His voice faded away as she jumped off the edge of the building, diving in the sea of artificial lights. She allowed herself to get closer to the ground before opening her wings to fly away from her watching spot.

The cold wind blew on her face, calming her senses down. Whenever she was on the air, it was like every voice inside her head quieted down.

She was far enough from the tall buildings to be able to pull out her phone from her jacket pocket to look at the time. It wasn't too late for stopping at Tamaki's, she knew he would be home even though it was a Saturday night. Maybe she could surprise him, Tamaki loved when she visited. His apartment building wasn't so far either, so why not?

Landing softly on the balcony of his apartment, she leaned over to unzip her combat boots so she could take it off before steppin in. But before she could knock on the glass door and have him open it for her, saying his usual line – "You know you can ring the bell, right?" – she heard different voices coming from the inside of the apartment.

She raised her hand to knock on the glass, but as if he had heard her, Tamaki pulled the curtains and opened the balcony door, a soft smile on his face.

"Hi," she said, smiling.

"Hi," he replied and there was a pause of a second before he launched himself at her, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face on her shoulder, "I'm so glad you're here."

Her smile widened as she hugged him back, rubbing the soft material of his shirt, and inhaling the scent of his shampoo on his hair.

"Something happened?" she asked as she tried to let go, but he hugged her tighter, making her laugh softly.

"Nejire and Mirio are being mean," he replied, voice muffled by the fabric of her jacket.

"Oh." She pulled away from him this time and noticed a pink tint on his cheeks. It wasn't unusual for Tamaki to be embarrassed by something, but the faint scent of beer in his breath told her the cause for the flush on his cheeks was something else. "I didn't know you had people over, I can come back later–"

"No!" He interrupted her, "P-please stay!"

Before she could answer, a high pitched laugh came from his living room.

"Tamaki!" Nejire Hado's voice echoed the place and he tensed, his ears going pink at the sound of her voice. "Where did you run off to?"

Before he could say anything, she grabbed his hand and stepped inside his apartment. "Sorry! I think he heard me arriving!"

A smile curving her lips and a hand raised in greeting made Nejire gasp in surprise, whispering her name. She dropped whatever she was holding and ran over, hands going immediately to touch her horns. Nejire's favorite activity was to touch her horns until she grew bored of her and move to the next thing that made her marvel. Nejire once tried to touch her wings, but she jumped off her spot, saying they were too sensitive to the touch.

"Hey there, senpai," she said, breathing out a laugh.

Togata called her name and walked over to them, "You don't have to call us senpai anymore," he said, approaching to give both her and Nejire a bear hug.

The hug knocked the air out of her lungs and she whimpered, along with Nejire. But the way they behaved and the smell of their breaths, they all seemed a bit drunk.

"We were just talking about you!" Nejire speaks, still being crushed by Mirio's hug.

"Oh!" She tried to say, "Really? What–" She breathed out, "What were you talking about?"

Then, Mirio finally let them go. Suddenly, the atmosphere grew tense and they all hesitated. Even Mirio. Tamaki's face got even more red than it already was. She frowned at their reactions.

"What?"

"U-uh, here!" Nejire exclaimed, skipping to the dinner table, grabbing a platter of food and shoving it to her face. "Have some takoyaki! We saved it for you!"

She eyes the food in front of her. No doubt it was Tamaki who cooked it, he was a great cook since he had to do it often for his quirk. But one of the fried balls had an octopus leg hanging out of it and it reminded her of it . It took everything in her not to flinch.

"I-I'm not hungry," she said, despite the takoyaki looking delicious. "Thank you though."

Mirio took the platter off Nejire's hands and set it on the table, wrapping his hand around her wrist right after.

"Sorry, we've had a little too much to drink," he said, his cheeks flushing a bit.

She waved a hand at them, laughing softly, "Don't worry about it." Then turned to Tamaki, "Do you mind if I use your shower?"

Tamaki, who had his eyes on the floor all this time, looked at her and blushed again. Was he okay? Were they all okay?

"Uh, n-no, go ahead," he replied, and then in a lower voice as he approached her, "I told you, you don't have to ask…"

She shrugged a bit and smiled at his reaction.

"We should get going as well," Mirio said, wrapping an arm around Nejire's waist to support her weight.

"Oh, please don't leave because of me!" she said.

"Don't worry, it's not because you got here!" He smiled, "We've been here for hours, so…"

Only then, she checked her watch to see it was almost 11pm, "Oh."

A moment of silence filled the gap between all of them and she thought it was strange how they were all behaving. They were usually so friendly and talkative, but tonight Mirio and Nejire were avoiding her eyes like the plague.

"Well, I'm gonna go ahead and take that shower," she said, thumb pointing over her shoulder in the direction of Tamaki's bedroom.

"Right! See you around!" Mirio smiled cheerfully at her.

Once they said their goodbyes, she walked to the bedroom, wings tucked tight against her back.

"Hey, hey." Nejire's voice came from the living room, "Do you think she heard us?"

She didn't mean to eavesdrop, but they were talking so loud that she heard Tamaki scold his friend.

"Why were you talking about it in the first place?" His voice trembled.

Nejire giggled and Mirio shushed her quickly.

"I'm sorry, Tamaki," he said, "We were just playing around, we had no intention of getting our noses in your sex life."

She almost choked, widening her eyes at his words. Deciding not to listen to them anymore, she hopped into the shower quickly. Letting the warm water run through her body, the sensation felt like heaven. She washed herself, rubbing the sweat of the day’s patrolling off with Tamaki’s soap. She sighed, inhaling the scent of her boyfriend. Ready to forget about what Shinso told her, she finished showering and wrapped herself in a towel.

“Are you seriously thinking about having tentacle sex with your boyfriend?”

Shinsou’s voice echoed in her head again and she cringed. "Goddammit, Hitoshi.”

Putting the soft pajamas she’d always kept in his bedroom drawers, she only heard the quiet pads of Tamaki’s feet and some clinks of the dishes being washed in the kitchen. Meaning Nejire and Mirio went home already.

Quietly walking around his apartment, her bare feet matched the pads of his as she reached the kitchen. He walked around the place, cleaning it and washing the dishes that he and his friends used to have dinner. Deciding to help a little, she started gathering the empty bottles of soju they drank. As soon as the bottles clinked together, Tamaki turned his head from his spot on the sink in search of the source of the sound.

“I’ll help you.” She smiled at him.

His face went red as he realized she was wearing a top and tiny shorts pajamas as usual. She frowned at his reaction and walked towards him, throwing the bottles in the trash.

“Everything okay?” She asked him and he just nodded, tips of ears going red as he avoided her stare.

“T-there’s some food for you on the table,” he said, ducking his head and letting his hair fall on his eyes. “I made extra takoyaki for you.”

She almost cringed again, “I’m not really hungry.”

At that, Tamaki raised his head and looked at her. “You’ve been patrolling all night. You should eat.”

A warmth spreaded in her chest at his words. Tamaki would always look after her, no matter what. And he was right, she was a bit hungry. He knew how much she loved his food and made sure he cooked some extra just in case she dropped by tonight.

"Okay," she replied with a small voice and sat at the table to eat.

Meanwhile, Tamaki finished washing the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. She looked at him with heart eyes, feeling the domestic vibes in the air and the familiar warmth bloomed in her chest once more.

"What?" he asked once he noticed she was staring.

"Just thinking how much I love you."

His face grew red once more, but he smiled at her, approaching and bending over to give her a kiss on the head.

"I love you too," he murmured, rubbing the top of her head and walking away towards his bedroom. "I'm going to shower. There's ice cream in the freezer, make yourself at home."

Unbeknownst to him, she already felt like she was home.

As she finished her meal, she washed her plate and got the ice cream he talked about. Sitting on the living room couch, She turned the TV on to see if there’s anything interesting on. A few moments later, Tamaki joined her, smelling like the same soap she used. She laid back on the couch, her feet on his lap as the both of them watched a cheesy romcom, when a question pops in her head.

“So why were you guys talking about me, huh?” She teased. His hands froze on her calves and the familiar pink shade made its appearance on his face again.

“U-uh,” he replies, avoiding her stare, “it was nothing, trust me.”

“Nothing?”

“Yeah, they were just being gross.” He still didn’t look at her.

“Why?” She asked after a beat of silence.

Tamaki visibly shrunk his shoulders, eyes still set on the television.

“Was it that bad?” She pulled her feet from his lap and sat up, putting the bowls of ice cream on the coffee table and facing him. When he didn’t answer, she moved to gently grab his chin and turn his head to face her. “Tamaki…” Her voice was stern, as of a mother scolding him and she knew the effect it had on him. He loved when she was a bit hard on him in bed, so trying to seduce him wasn’t too hard for her. Half lidded eyes and pink cheeks already looked at her as she approached his face. “Why were they talking about our sex life, Tamaki?”

Then, he widened his eyes, pulling away from her grasp. “How– How did you–”

“I overheard them talking about it.” She interrupted him.

He sighed in defeat, closing his eyes and slumping his shoulders.

"We were just drinking and they started talking about…" Tamaki seemed to hesitate, but she encouraged him by slipping her hand behind his neck and stroking his hair gently. "They started talking about quirk play."

A frown grew between her brows, "Huh?"

"I was confused at first too, but–" Tamaki swallowed hard, "They said my quirk was perfect for i-it."

And then the penny dropped. Mirio and Nejire were talking about… It with him as well.

"You mean…" she started just to be sure she and him were on the same page.

"They asked if we ever had tentacle sex."

Holy shit, he said it. So bluntly like that…

“Oh."

"Y-yeah."

An awkward silence filled the gap as both of them blushed. How much of a coincidence does it have to be that multiple people had brought it up? Maybe it was overall curiosity that got the best of people, but to have Shinsou, Mirio and Nejire comment about it in the same night?

How curious were they?

How curious was she?

"I-I-I shut them down, though…" He explained, bringing her back to reality. "Told them it was gross and stuff…"

"Huh." Was all she said and as she leaned back on the back of the couch, deep in thought.

If she were to ask Tamaki to use his quirk in bed, would he be able to say no? Knowing him, he'd go along whatever she wants, but would be going so far by using his quirk to get off?

"Tama, baby," she said, catching his attention, "It's okay." She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath, "I've– I've been asked this too."

"W-what?!"

It was her time to sigh, "Shinsou teased me about it a couple of times." She rolled her eyes, reminiscing how he would laugh when she got mad about it, "I suppose people get curious about it. I don't blame them, really."

Tamaki hummed and an awkward pause hung in the air. She watched him with tenderness in her eyes, as he was deep in thought, resting her chin on her knees.

"S-so, uh…" He said after breathing deeply, "Do you– Do you want to try it?"

She looked at him surprised. Not only was the initiative coming from him – which was rare –, but also he was the one who brought it up. He looked at her with timid eyes, but full of lust and curiosity.

Her mouth opened to answer him, but she hesitated. Then, as if he had sobered up, he started stuttering.

"I-I-I mean– I just– I thought–"

"Yes." She interrupted him, looking right into his eyes.

"Yes?" Tamaki seemed like he didn't believe her.

A soft laugh escaped her throat as she looked at him with the same tenderness and affection as before. Her hand tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear.

"Yes," she replied softly.

Then he smiled at her, and her heart skipped a beat. He leaned over her to press a kiss on her lips, but when he went to pull away, her hands hooked in the back of his neck and pulled him closer for a deeper kiss. Tamaki's hands were shaking as he reached for her waist to pull her closer. She obliged, straddling his lap and slipping her tongue inside his mouth. A whimper escaped his throat when she rolled her hips on him, already feeling the bulge in his pants.

His hands traveled through her skin, slipping under her top and brushing lightly where her wing met her back. She shuddered, always sensitive in that area. He knew that.

Tamaki pulled away breathing hard, a small whimper escaping his lips.

"How–" He inhaled sharply when she rolled her hips on him once more, "How do we do this?"

Leaning her forehead on his, she smiled wickedly. "How about you take me to bed first?"

Her warmth breath on his face made him exhale and in a split of a second, he grabbed the back of her thighs and lifted her from the couch as he stood up. His mouth found hers once more in a hungry kiss, lips crashing together, tongues sliding against each other, building up the arousal in both of them.

Tamaki carefully set her on his bed, covering her body with his. His teeth pulled her lower lip and she moaned as he started to leave a trail of wet kisses through her jawline and neck.

It took her by surprise. He was never this assertive, never like this during sex. Usually, it was her who always initiated and her who led on, who commanded. But now, Tamaki was doing as he pleased, without a command. His eyes searched for no approval, instead, there was pure lust in them.

It was like he flipped a switch when she said yes.

His hands traveled through the side of her body, reaching the hem of her shirt. He wasted no time in pulling it over her head, discarding the piece of clothing on the floor. Tamaki's hands were rough from working as a hero, but they were warm as they cupped her breasts.

Kneading one of them with a hand, his mouth wrapped around the other nipple, making her gasp in surprise. Arching her back, her damp middle grinding against the bulge in his pants. The motion caught him by surprise and he moaned, biting her nipple.

"Shit." She gasped. Tamaki looked up, pulling away from her breast, a string of saliva connecting his tongue to her nipple.

"Did it hurt?" He asked, cheeks flushed with something else other than timidness.

She shook her head, unable to form words. What was going on? Who was this new Tamaki who was so confident?

"Do it–" She breathed, "Do it again."

Tamaki gave her a half smile and bowed his head to suck on the other nipple. Meanwhile, his finger pinched the freshly bitten one and she gasped again, whimpering his name.

Suddenly, his hands started to feel a bit weird. Instead of the rough skin on her, there were soft, clammy, and silken touches. When she opened her eyes, she saw dark pink tentacles gently wrapping themselves around her breast. The tip of one teased her already sensitive nipple and she sobbed at the contact.

Once more, Tamaki looked at her, worried eyes burning her own. The silent question lingered in the air and she nodded.

"I'm okay." She whispered, giving him the green light. Her face burned with desire, arousal and lust. It made Tamaki’s cock twitch in his pants.

His once fingers that morphed into tentacles slid over the skin of her ribs, waist and hips, making her grip the sheets and whimper softly. One of the pink limbs hooked on the waistband of her shorts and teased to take it off by tugging it lightly.

“Tamaki…” She whined, closing her eyes when a tentacle slid between her legs, caressing her inner thighs. A gasp turned into a sob that escaped her lips when he pulled his mouth away from her skin.

Kneeling on the bed, Tamaki used his tentacles to pull her tiny shorts off her legs. While she lifted her hips to make it easier, another tentacle ran through her stomach to reach her breast, joining the other in pinching her nipples.

“Pin–” She gasped, “Pin my hands above my head.”

An involuntary smile curved the corners of his lips as he did what she asked with two more tentacles. Other two spreaded her legs, exposing her fully to him. It was quite the view, he had to admit it. But the most impressive thing was that he wasn’t hesitating at all. He was willing to do anything she wanted, no questions asked. This was different from the other times, he didn’t have to ask for her permission to do anything. She voluntarily was at his mercy, willing to go along with whatever she wanted.

Tamaki approached his face to her cunt, pressing soft kisses on her inner thigh before lightly pressing his nose on her clit. She whined again, clenching around nothing. He was never one to go down on her without proper instruction, so having him there surprised her.

“Tama, are you sure–” The limbs around her wrist tightened their grip and she moaned as he licked a long stripe on her slit, coating it with his saliva.

Then, he circled her clit with his nose, making her tremble. His tongue suddenly didn’t feel the same. The soft sensation of it was replaced by something thicker and stronger. Before she could realize, his tongue was a tentacle and he was sliding it inside her.

“Fuck!” She cried, bucking her hips. A tentacle slid through her lower belly, holding her in place.

It was a strange sensation to have it inside her, the texture of the tentacle, the suckers, the firm muscle had her whining and moaning his name nonstop. 

“Tama– Oh, shit, it feels so good.” Her praise motivated him to move his tentacle shaped tongue in and out, earning more whines from her. Until,

“Put one of them in my mouth.”

He looked up, but didn’t stop his ministrations as he ran one limb through her body and slid it inside her mouth. Her moans were still audible, but a bit muffled now. She rolled her eyes in pleasure as he hit a special spot inside her. He used the tip of the tentacle that was wrapped around her upper thigh to circle her clit, the sucker suctioning it. She clenched around him.

Tamaki’s hips started moving on its own, grinding against the mattress, searching for some friction to alleviate the hard boner he had. His own eyes rolled to the back of his as he realized he was so close to cumming on his own. The tentacle inside her mouth slid further, making her gag on it, but he was quick to pull it out.

“I’m gonna cum!” She cried out as soon as she was able to talk. “Shit, baby, don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t–”

The tension in her lower stomach snapped and she let out a loud moan, tightening her walls around his tongue. Tamaki couldn’t hold himself anymore and ended up cumming along with her.

A thin coat of sweat covered her skin, her chest moved up and down as she breathed hard, heart hammering inside her chest. Slowly, Tamaki released her wrists and thighs, leaving suction marks on her skin. His hands morphed back to its original form as he kneeled between her legs. He waited for the shame and embarrassment to hit him like it usually did after sex, but… It just didn’t. He wasn’t embarrassed to give her pleasure. Of jizzing his sweats? Maybe, but not this.

A satisfied sigh left her lips and she finally opened her eyes to look at him. Hooded eyes met soft eyes and she smiled, sitting up to meet his lips with hers. He kissed her passionately, hands cupping her cheeks to bring her closer. His chest swelled with something unfamiliar. Pride, maybe? No, love . A deeper feeling of love, as if through this they’ve become more intimate with each other.

And he wasn’t blushing at all.

[thenightfolknetwork]

Hello. I'm, um, not entirely sure how to talk about this. I hope it's okay if I misspeak. I'm a human, right, so I think that needs to be clear more than anything, but I've been very involved in the creature community for years now. I live by a great big lake and I always liked to walk down the shore late at night or early in the morning, you know, just to try and get out of my own head, and one night ages ago I accidentally tripped over someone's jacket and twisted my ankle. It was a gorgeous fur jacket, too, not like any kind of fur I'd seen in a jacket before, but just stunningly soft and thick as Hell.

Now, of course I didn't take it, that'd be awful, but also I had just hurt myself in kind of a nasty way and so it wasn't like I had anything else to do but sit by the shore next to the jacket and waited, and yeah, a few hours later one of the lake seals popped its head out of the water, looked at me for a good long while, and then...well, I mean, you know how the rest of the story goes, I'm sure.

Anyway, it's been a few years now and I've become really close to this family. I didn't really know anyone in my town before meeting them and I'm not on speaking terms with my own folks, so in a lot of ways these people have become my family, and it's an honor that they trust me to keep guard of their cloaks and such when they go out. But I've got this problem, right, and it's just...over the years it's felt less and less like I fit in with other humans. All my friends are nightfolk now, my family hates me even more because they're bigots--in this night and age, can you fucking believe it--and it's just like every night I get further and further away from the shore.

I'm just scared because...I don't *want* to stop drifting away. I've had dreams of joining them down there in the lake, practically every night for months on end. I've tried doing research into methods of joining the community but I don't want to become a vampire, I don't fancy any lunar-aligned nonsense, nothing has felt right except selkies, but I can't decide if I'm just self aware enough that I need a push from an outside viewer to try and accept something I already know full well...or if no, actually, that little voice in my stupid head that won't go away that keeps calling me a fraud, an invader, an appropriator--what if the reason it's not going away is because it's right and I really don't belong?

Just...please be honest with me. Am I a complete asshole for spending hours every day trying not to just outright beg my family--sorry, chosen family--to help me sew myself a cloak, or is there something to this?

First of all, reader, please rest assured. As long as you are speaking from a place of kindness and a willingness to learn, you don't need to worry about using all the correct terminology. I always try to listen generously when people come to me in need, and I encourage our followers to do the same.

Unfortunately I can well believe that bigots like your biological relatives still exist. I'm glad you've been able to extract yourself from their hateful society, and have found comfort, support and kinship among the nightfolk.

You say there is a little voice in your head calling you a fraud, casting doubt on the validity of your feelings. As much as you might want to push it away and stop your ears, I want you to listen to that voice, just for a little while. Pay attention to the language it uses and what ideas it seems to have about the world.

And then ask yourself: is this my voice? Does that sound like me? Or does this sound like a last, desperate, wriggling remnant of the people I've worked so hard to distance myself from?

Every one of us is raised with a narrative, a story about the world and our place in it, and how we should treat the people around us. We're told that story by our parents, by our teachers and schoolmates, by television and books and a million other sources. The story is so vast and so all-encompassing, it takes an enormous effort to be able to see any single part of it clearly.

Imagine, then, how hard we have to work to realise some of that story is untrue, or harmful, fed by hatred and fear. To start untangling ourselves from the rotting, strangling roots of the story we've known all our lives, and start planting something new and fresh and honest.

It sounds to me like this little voice is one of those lingering strands of the story you were raised with – one where liminality is nothing to admire or strive for, and where you cannot be trusted to know your own mind, and your own needs. It's time to tell yourself a better story.

You've found people who honour you with their trust and who make you feel supported and loved, as you deserve. You admire them, and want to be like them. None of this sounds “stupid” to me.

This is not a decision to be taken lightly. By all means, take your time, and talk your feelings through with your family. But I think you already know what story you want for yourself, reader – and for what it's worth, I think the world will be better for its telling.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[floralkittygambler]

How does it feel to be wrong on how huskerdust is “toxic” now that the show is out 😂😂😂

Hi Anon! Firstly, I’ve decided to move away from Viv and her toxic fandom so apologies if this response is late. I must say it is interesting that you’ve lurked so long to do this, and anonymously too.

Angel sexually harasses Husk. Husk sung a song that compares his situation (involving no SA from Alastor) to Angels and calls him a loser and whiny bitch. That’s pretty invalidating to one’s experiences as well as making it all about himself because he’s miserable and unable to deal with it healthily outside of alcohol.

Before you tell me that I’m “misunderstanding” the lyrics like a great deal of rabid fans, let’s just say personal experience gives me great insight to how nasty this comes across. Not to mention no actual build up for the relationship, the points I made about Pilot and IG, etc etc.

I don’t know if you’re one of HunterGirl’s little groupies, if you are, don’t you find it unprofessional that staff allow such toxicity within their fans? Rhetorical. Regardless, it is toxic. It’s poorly written. And that extends to the entirety of Hazbin, Helluva, and Spindle itself plus its community.

So briefly, I was never wrong about the toxicity. If you feel differently, that’s your opinion. But to lurk until this moment to strike, anonymously, is intriguing. Especially since this blog is hardly used.

Regardless, you’re fully entitled to your opinions and feelings, as am I. You’re free to enjoy the show, and hopefully you are enjoying the show. I hope it lives up to your expectations. I hope you have fun. And I do encourage healthier behaviours. We’re polarised. Why should you care about what I have to say - even with personal experiences - if you disagree and wish to indulge? Enjoy yourself and your life. Continue to hold your opinion. I won’t change your mind and you won’t change mine. Maybe this is to “rub it in” but I don’t take it as such. I do recommend a better focus. One that is healthier to you. I’ve drowned in enough of the vitriol Viv and her influence rot. It serves my health no good and she’ll reap as we all do. I suggest you do the same. If you enjoy it, and don’t find it toxic, then relish as long as you don’t behave like a prick. To me, it’s toxic, so I embrace healthier habits. I live my life.

I know this is a massive tangent, but what I’m trying to get across - outside of the question itself - is better influence. The least I can do is present to you good self care. If you enjoy it, enjoy it and stick with those who do. For myself and others who’ve been through trauma, that episode was extremely distasteful (though some felt seen and I will not take from that). So… I simply keep a healthy distance from her shit now. I’ve seen the fandom be the most vile, subtly enticed by the staff. The least I can do is encourage better habits to counter how despicable people have been encouraged to act.

TLDR; I disagree, agree to disagree, please don’t pick up toxicity from the fandom. None of this is sarcasm.

[holllandtrash]

I think I might turn off anons for a bit, I’m just tired of people being bullies for no reason, I also am not accepting requests unless it’s for pato (or anything 6 to 1 like always)

It’s unfortunate that people think that because they’re anonymous they can be disrespectful and rude, when we all know they would never have the courage to say those things if their name was attached to it

Guys I’m just like…too old to be involved in any sort of drama. I delete most nasty messages I get but I will stand up for myself if I feel someone has crossed a line

And I encourage conversations, if someone DOES have a problem with me or something I do or say please reach out to me and talk to me. Trying to argue or start a fight or leaving mean comments that seemingly have no relation to anything important and are just being said out of spite in hopes I see them and/or post them publicly is just fucking weird and immature. Do you know how to have a conversation? I’m not gonna take anyone like that seriously, especially if you’re not even going to attach your name to what you’re saying.

You can have opinions, but under no circumstance should anyone be mean for the sake of being mean. Just be nice, or even better, just keep scrolling if you see something you don’t like. it’s not that hard

[mueritos]

Hey! Asking about your experience with being punk/punk adjacent and also in academia. How do you handle the two? Punk action and activism is grassroots, which I try to be involved in, but I feel like I’m just speaking big words and writing into an echo-chamber about gender. Like the only good I do is explaining to a group of cis people terminology. What are your experiences on this, if you have any?

Hmm. Yea this was difficult for me to balance too. I'll insert a readmore cuz this got kinda long.

I enjoy academia and research and being able to have more advanced conversations with people, but I was also sick of being in classes or circles of people who I knew would speak "woke" for the sheer fact of looking like good people, but on the down low were incredibly racist, classist, queerphobic, and just down right nasty carceral people. It was difficult trying to sift through who was safe to open up to and who wasn't, because many people were actually liberals in disguise (even if they called themselves leftists or leftist aligned). I also was never shy about being an anarchist/punk, I was the only person who wore my spiked jackets and boots to class, my outfits were loud, but I also began seeing some other queer people I knew wear their own jackets because they were encouraged by me (so that was nice).

I was doing activism on campus while in undergrad alongside the usual academic theory/research stuff, and it turns out that people actually will hate your guts the moment you start pointing out problems. The usual "YOU become the problem the second you point out THE problems", so I faced a lot of social backlash, even from other marginalized people who I had confided in about problems. My advice is that unless you're willing to become one of the most hated people on campus, don't do your activism on campus. It's a surefire way of making enemies, even enemies in people you have never met in your life. There are plenty of local orgs, food banks, and churches with programming that you could be way more productive in than trying to combat institutionalized oppression like that of an academic institution. You can try, believe me because I did, and while I learned a lot about organizing, I also learned when to give up and focus on my community instead of changing systems.

You pointed out that you're getting sick of explaining to cis people. This is definitely something you can stop doing, if you'd like. I stopped giving up my labor to educate other people (within reason) because I was one of the few trans people on campus. But I also have this value that I am not about to let some person walk around with the wrong idea about marginalized communities, so I always speak up when people say incorrect things (this has also caused some yt people to avoid me lol). Of course, you do this with compassion and with the goal of making sure their future interactions with marginalized people go better, but after a certain point, you need to be able to hold your energy for where you want to put it. Put more pressure on your institution or adjacent orgs to have things like safezone training (or bring in queer orgs for trainings/lectures). You can also just tell people some websites to check out instead of answering their questions, because surprise to them, their questions can in fact be solved by a simple search, they just are far too lazy to do that.

I dunno tho. I still struggle with growing so much in terms of punk/anarchist theory and ideas, but i have a serious lacking in actual community organizing. I'm introverted, don't like big noisy crowds, and I am quite socially anxious. Being punk is like my armor in a world that doesn't like me, because I find people fuck with me less when Im in spikes and boots. I find theory and academia so fulfilling for my virgo brain, but I also don't shame myself for not being active in local community. I know there will be a time I will be, but I also know that everyone is helping in the movement in the ways they can. It doesn't matter if that is at the food bank, in protest, on the computer, or by reading theory. All of it is equally important, and some of us aren't going to be good at everything.

I found myself feeling far more productive and alive when I was working with communities I knew would keep me safe. Started surrounding myself with more BIPOC queer people who were also working against carceral thinking, and I found my life to be way more enjoyable. connecting authentically with people who you feel safe with is just as important as organizing or protesting. You can organize or protest, but if you don't have a community to turn to, you'll burn out and won't be able to sustainably stay in the movement. Focus on energies, peoples, and love, connect authentically and have difficult conversations about love and politics and theory. You can be an academic, but still maintain the punk values you love in your daily life. Humans are made of contradicting values and experiences, we shouldn't shame each other for that and instead hold the multiple and contradicting truths in us all.

I can go on and on, but ill leave it at that. feel free to ask anything else in specific tho.

[lover-of-mine]

Oh SO much has happened. Mustache confirmation broke my heart. Someone hold him down and shave it off!

The deleted scene of Eddie and Chris was posted a half hour ago and the BTs have IMMEDIATELY jumped on it. Of course the narrative is ‘this proves Eddie is straight’ ‘Eddie has always and exclusively been attracted to women’ ‘they are dropping this to shut up the Buddies’ yeah okay. Remember when the deleted Tommy Henren medal scene was released? And the BTs said ‘oh this is signalling that Tommy is going to be really important next season and that the general audience loves him?’ Apparently releasing a deleted scene of Eddie does not mean the same thing. The network is not trying to tell us that Eddie has a major role next season. Just that Eddie is straight. Which is honestly again just a weirdo narrative because dating women in the past does not preclude him from liking men.

Aside from that. Two big things obviously: the con and the Twitter space. Not really much to say about the con aside from what’s publicly known. BTs are just harassing the poor organizers of this event even though Lou was never confirmed for this con. It was just a poll to gauge interest. Though it was funny to see BTs immediately jump to the ‘Ryan is getting invited instead’ narrative. Why are they obsessed with conflating Lou and Ryan/Tommy and Eddie so much? Weird.

Also please free Kenny from this narrative that he never asked to be a part of. No he is not going to drop out of the con because the organizers considered inviting Lou and decided not to.

The Twitter space was just nasty. ‘Oliver is catering to Buddies because he cares what people on social media think about him.’ Have we forgotten what it was like when he was on Twitter back in the day? He was sick of us! He straight-up told fans they were annoying! And you think that the same man who did that would purposefully hang out with a fellow cast member just to appease strangers on the Internet? Yeah alright.

As for everyone calling Oliver racist for hanging out with Ryan. Besides how hypocritical they are for saying this given Lou’s undeniable racism and bigotry. It is so clear BTs do not actually care about this. If they did they would not exclusively be targeting Oliver. Kenny was also hanging out with Ryan. Where are the allegations of him aligning with anti-black racism? But no it only matters when Oliver is involved. A ship war is more important to them than these allegations of racism apparently.

Mark my words. When Lou arrives on set it will be an excessively professional work environment. He started this and encouraged it through the cameos. No one is going to be buddy-buddy with him. He will show up do his job and go home and that will drive the BTs crazy.

hello baby 💙

Honestly, Eddie talking about meeting the wife we know he had proving something is exactly the type of thing they would try to spin for real. We're keeping up as regularly scheduled, I guess.

But, seriously, Oliver catering to us when he was always very no-nonsense when it comes to his social media presence. He would never hang out with and post someone if he doesn't feel like it. But it is true, it's not about whatever problematic behavior Ryan might exhibit, because if it was there would be pushback on the whole cast, not just Oliver since they were all at Ryan's. And I agree, when he shows up it will be just professional considering he is responsible for this whole mess starting. But let's see how it comes when he shows up.

[the-hornedwitch]

Walk the line: Shadow and Intuition. How fine is the line?

We've all had it.

That moment, where something just doesn't feel right. Maybe I shouldn't go to work today, I should call my sister, I think this person is lying, maybe I should skip the party. Sometimes we listen, and find out our sister really needed to talk to us. Other times we stay the course ignoring that gut feeling. Then next thing you know your five packs of cigarettes deep in some villa down in Mexico, waking up in a king sized bed with seven other people. Shouldn't have gone to that party.

Matter of perspective I guess.

Your Intuition is part of you, much like Your Higher Self, your Ego, and your Shadow. It is in our best interest for ourselves, to foster and maintain healthy connections and 'relationships' with these aspects of what makes us, us. It can be a frustrating and uncomfortable process, especially when Ego and Shadow are involved. I myself, even after a fair amount of years on my path still get stuck in my own patterns and false narratives. I cast a large shadow, her and I have a MUCH more efficient understanding now then we did a few years ago. I listen to her yet set boundaries….maybe I should back up a little bit.

The Shadow.

In psychology (Jung) The Shadow is the hidden, repressed and guilt-laden part of the unconscious mind that contains both good and bad qualities. When I started my practice in The Craft, we referred to the Shadow much in the same manner. It is that hidden side of you. The part that feels unworthy, unloved, cast out. It holds repressed trauma and other attachments we gather on our little journey through life. Now, I have no idea what people are doing or calling it theses days, but I digress.

Sometimes, Shadow is louder then Intuition. I have come to understand, that this happens when we do not address old wounds that have become infected over time. If you have ever had an infection, you understand how sever and dangerous that can be. We experience fever, and delusion as well as confusion. It is our bodies reaction to bacteria and other nasties invading our system, it is our bodies trying to heal itself naturally which given the proper environment it can clear up on its own.

Do you understand?

There will/are times in our lives, where we feel shadow as intuition. we feel, what we are seeing and experiencing to be fact and truth, because it feels real.

Feelings, are just that. Feelings, they come and go, just like a storm or the waves of an ocean. While they are beautiful and valid, it isn't very safe to stand amid the rocks along the shoreline during a hurricane is it?

Do you understand?

Shadow can be LOUD, and 'anxious'. Sometimes Shadow sees danger when there is no danger, because, On this day, at this time, this event happened. Also history dictates…Yes Shadow, I know. Sometimes, Ego gets involved and it can be a difficult combination. When Shadow and Ego start hanging out together they can become very toxic.

Like those two friends that guilt trip you into doing what they want to do. You don't want to, but they have been your friends for so long. They where their for those breakups, they got you through that really hard time. So you cave and start listening to the unhinged and false truths they feed you.

Shadow likes to bring you into their misery. Pointing out just how worthless, and pathetic you are, "They hate us, just like Dad." While Ego over compensates with grandeurs encouragement. "So what if they Hate us, we are chosen and that's all that matters" Before you know it, your in this echo chamber between your two best friends and all you want to do is escape.

Ego, is the part of you, that you need to survive here on Earth. I personally enjoy Anton LeVaye's take on the Ego, as well as various Higher Conscious paradigms. You cant kill Ego, because they control impulses, plans, and interacts with the external world. Ego, isn't 'bad' it simply is what it is. When you establish a healthy relationship with both Ego and Shadow, Intuition speaks more clearly, and when you hear intuition more clearly you start trusting yourself and The Universe more. Thus no need to prove anything to anyone, no more seeking validation through social media.

Speaking of social media, I find it rather concerning that The Sacred have become more like a fashion accessory. Years of painstaking growth and inner work, have been reduced to casual claims by those seeking attention and validation. Pretending to be something they are not, instead of putting in the hard work it takes to connect with all that is and beyond. Instead, their feeds are overflowing with copy/pasted, reshared and remixed vomited thoughts of those who rather sit and zone out on a screen. Showing off symbols they do not know how to properly use, hiding behind their disillusioned versions of the Divine. Having to sit back and witness as Sacred relationships are reduced to a social media aesthetic for whatever reason, ignites My Black Flame with the intensity of a Nova.

Sacred relationships are just that.

Sacred.

When it comes to the Divine (Those of the Left Hand Path in Particular) they have a beautiful way of humbling you, by way of annihilating the false narratives you tell yourselves. They will tear your soul apart, starting with your ego and shadow. Then when you are a heaping mess of tears and confusion, they will reconstruct you from the ground up. It is an extremely intimate process, that will shine into every aspect of you life.

This process, is long, grueling, and agonizing for those Called to the path. It is worse for those who chose the path, and for those who pretend, who lie, well..... Good luck my friend.

So to observe, these sacred relationships compressed into convenient narratives, fuels the deep seeded urge to watch the internet burn down.

So I must take a step back, and breath. As I ask myself: Am I valid? Is this rage, my intuition telling me YES, this is corruption of all that is sacred! Or, is this Shadow speaking from wounded pride? Or Ego, defending what I perceive as hard won territory? It could be all three. Yes, I must step back and refocus on responding from wisdom instead of my ever healing wounds.

Self awareness, and mindfulness are amazing tools that can help you on this little journey we all take. No one person has all the answers (I sure as hell don't) nor is anyone supposed to, tis the great mystery of life. We as a society, as a collective, have been cut off and disconnected from our Source. Yes, many are awaking, many are progressing, it is a wonderful beautiful process. That being said, what I see before me is concerning. Yes, there will always be corruption of the sacred, it is inevitable. I understand this, I have witnessed it on my path. I am however, currently taken aback by the lack of respect and decorum for those that I have dedicated my life to.

[chirpsythismorning]

Do you think there's a possibility that they might straight-up cancel ST because of the strike?

Because of the strike? No.

The only way ST would end before it was supposed to, is if the world was literally ending, or Netflix took a huge hit somehow and lost all their investors or something? Even in that case I think they would go out with a bang and invest all of their money and resources into a final season of ST tbh lmao

This does make me think about how the WGA is not encouraging the public to unsubscribe to Netflix or other streamers (yet), as a way to support the strike. I think it could be in part leverage they are saving for later, because maybe that's something they can encourage people to do if the strike is going past like the 3+ month point? It's also been said that Netflix wants to up their prices again for their plans, but with the strike going on, many are speculating that it would be too much of a risk for them to increase prices rn. If they did, say in the summer at some point, that would be a great time for the writers to tell the public to unsubscribe, because the impact would be massive since so many are already unsubscribing anyways, writers getting paid horrendously could have the potential to be the final push for subscribers already ready to call it quits.

But it also could honestly be because they don't want to totally ruin the relationship with their employer, who ideally they still want to work for when this is all over. Hurting Netflix financially with intent, is where it might get into nasty territory for future collaborations together.

This is also why I think the production for ST all around is fairly quiet. They themselves cannot do too much bc they are SOOO tied to Netflix, quite frankly they are Netflix. There's a reason they're not posting pictures together out during the strike, there's a reason all of the million dollar actors are being pretty quiet. Because when filming inevitably starts back up again and ST5 is being promoted and released, they're going to be back to praising Netflix for all they do for them. And spoiling that relationship, by going too far, might make things, at the very least, awkward in the future, or at the worst, well I don't really want to think of hypotheticals for that.

I think all they could do at this time, is have the Duffer's themselves speak out in support of the strike, disclosing that they will not begin filming ST5 until a deal is made for the writers. And so they did that, and now all they can do is wait and stay pretty quiet hoping it goes well. THIS is why they're out here trying to hint at it subtely to get fans involved. In that context the byler sign is actually quite hilarious, bc it is potentially a big spoiler and therefore a fuck you to netflix, but bc it was posted on tumblr and no one really takes us seriously, it's gone under most of the audiences radar. Like I'm pretty sure there has been zero official reporting on it, whereas the Steve one did get that. Though that one was, again also from a writers account sneakily. So there is definitely this feeling that subtlety might be their only option rn.

Otherwise when it comes to the strike in general, we've got SAG AFTRA potentially joining in, which means now you've got actors striking. And then potentially even DGA joining. Directors are a lot harder to pin point in terms of their potential support, though in this day in age, I think they have a lot more in common with being exploited just like their writers/talent do. Not saying that plenty of high paid directors aren't in kahoots with studios, but also, the honest ones want a good environment for their productions and I doubt they would want everyone below the line hating them (and it being rightfully deserved).

Shawn Levy is a big name director, with both ST and Deadpool under his belt. It's likely he would support a directors strike, and others among him could as well. There's only been one DGA strike in our history and I guess it lasted like 3 hrs, bc that's how fast the studios were willing to make a deal to get the directors back... So directors have a lot of power to put a stop to this hold out by the studios. Not only that, but writers, actors and directors have never in our history had a strike all at one time. We'll have to wait and see.

For a rough timeline of what is to come:

May 17th: SAG agreed to allow its members to vote on a strike authorization. SAG represents 170,000 members roughly, so that's a lot of people in the industry making that choice to potentially stop filming to strike in order to fight for a fair deal themselves. Right now, it seems like there is a lot of support from SAG saying that they will be voting yes.

June 7th: SAG will begin negotiations with AMPTP.

June 30th: The current SAG contract with AMPTP will expire. If negotiations between the TV/Theatrical negotiating committee and the AMPTP are unsuccessful, the National Board may declare a strike. The current DGA contract is also set to expire that same day as the SAG. This would essentially be like May 1st with the writers strike all over again. If a deal isn't reached on June 30th, a strike could begin on July 1st.

It's possible a deal with the writers and studios could be reached before then, especially if they are preparing for the other two to strike and make deals as well. They might have no choice but to get their shit together sooner than later while that is happening.

But who knows. In a worst case scenario neither SAG nor the DGA would strike and it could go longer without more support. The support right now from the public is also good, but it will need to continue full force and not dwindle if we want to see things get resolved sooner than later.

Very cautiously optimistic rn, but prepared for anything to change.

[yinwaryuri]

I've held off posting for a long time about the issue regarding Build and Poi.

A lot of things have rubbed me wrong about the way it went down, how the people involved handled it in the beginning, I am severely allergic to Twitter, and all in all, it's been so much to take in and digest over the past few weeks. I have no real understanding of law for any fucking country and I am not a source blog for news or updates or translations. Speaking in support of anyone, to me, seems perfectly inappropriate and useless. As much as I have my own personal thoughts and feelings, I'm aware of biases and that's no basis for an open conversation.

That, and well....I've been here before. I don't mean with the thing about the dug-up tweets that caused a riot a few months ago. I don't even mean controversial celebrity trials in general. I'm talking about people I personally knew very well being in a lawsuit where some hefty accusations were made and the community got split over their feelings about it. It's a fucking nightmare. I don't need to repeat those details because it was a different case and projecting any of those circumstances onto the one in question would be wrong.

So I'm only going to say this once.

Cut it out.

Stop being self-righteous. Stop taking extreme positions and cutting off friends whose thoughts and views vary. I don't care how convincing one side or the other is to you right now - we do not know the truth and there is a fairly long wait for us to have it laid out for us. If you look at those supporting the opposite side as you and don't think of yourself as also potentially supporting a guilty person, please take a moment to reflect. What is your goal by acting that way? To be right? To feel right? To "weed out the idiots"?

Curate your experience all you like, but cutting people off to such extremes is going to make for very small corners and very nasty echo chambers. This fandom looked itself in the mirror and got so ugly the mirror shattered and we're all just shards now. Little pods of pro-this, anti-that, unsure-something-or-other, etc. There's still so many unanswered questions, and evidence to be reviewed and cross-examined. Some of you will still choose to deny the outcome because it doesn't match the narrative in your head. But before you reach that level of desperation, I simply ask that you put your energy toward making and keeping this fandom a place where people can come for escape.

I won't judge you for being open about who you support here, if you have chosen a side. But attacking and othering people really doesn't make you the better person and you're not gonna get some kind of badge of honor for being woke. A lot of us are just people who come to fandom because it's what brings us joy in a world that is very fucked up, so coming into that space to start fires and burn bridges is really shitty. Making people feel uncomfortable to speak up because they might be attacked or cancelled for merely wanting a proper discussion is awful and I've seen enough.

For those of you who could really use a shoulder to lean on, my offer is here. I can't promise to be a perfect support, and if you're looking for some kind of mediator in an argument that won't be it. But I encourage anyone who needs to get their thoughts and feelings out to take that opportunity privately. Take a step back or a break if you feel like that's gonna help. If you're still unsure, do not hesitate to use any resource you can think of until something works. This has been hard on mental health for some people and it deserves to be acknowledged and given the attention necessary to help people recover.

I still love many people in the KinnPorsche fandom. I still love KinnPorsche. I would love things to heal, regardless of whatever comes out of this lawsuit. I would still love another season of the show if it were possible, for current and upcoming BOC projects to do well, and for the other actors and creators impacted to still enjoy happy lives and careers. I hope this post encourages thoughtfulness and honesty, and most of all, unity. If you've read this far, thanks for at least considering my input.

[wirewitchviolet]

Thinking About How We Talk

This is one of those subjects I bring up now and then where it feels like I'm lighting a match to inspect some powder kegs. So right up front let me say this is NOT going to be a post where I'm going to actively police the language you use, talk at all about George Orwell, or be some sort older out of touch person who just doesn't understand how younger generations talk. This is all about encouraging personal reflection, considering word choices, inoculating yourself against nasty rhetorical tactics, and history lessons here.

And before I do the whole cut thing I also want to get into a real obvious example of why all this is important. In the last couple of years, people have finally been catching up to this, but for the vast majority of my life, everyone was bafflingly cool with calling the extremists with such a hard-core anti-abortion stance they'd gleefully push policies where people were forced into definitely-a-stillbirth situation which additionally posed a serious risk to their lives and engaged in full on terrorism against people performing abortions or even just potentially pointing people towards the right resources, in a full on bombs and mass shootings in doctor's offices sort of way. And aside from just the disgusting hypocrisy involved in that, this language control was actually effective enough that a huge number of people with pretty reasonable thoughts like "well obviously I don't have a say in what other people do, but I think if I ended up pregnant, even if it wasn't a planned thing, I'd go ahead and have that baby" thought that that meant they were "pro-life" and shouldn't oppose people claiming to be such. That's the sort of terrible situation you get when you just kinda roll with the language shifts total monsters push for.

That's a real grim note to start this off on, so let me dial it back a little. As you may or may not know, just about 10 years ago now, my life went down kind of a weird road where I suddenly found myself spending basically all my time monitoring and combating really hardcore far right extremist groups and their various pushes to mainstream their garbage. The most prominent example of this was the whole Gamergate thing, and the less-publicized string of similar 4chan "ops" where a bunch of creeps from this weird insular pile of misanthropic nazis would do their best to disguise themselves as normal functioning human beings and subtley spread their hateful crap. This was obviously awful in so many ways, but on a certain level it was kind of hilarious because the vast majority of these people were just completely incapable of speaking like normal human beings. They'd be pretending to be concerned housewives or black civil rights activists but still pepper everything with 4chan post signifiers, talking about "cucks" and "fags" and doing the whole bit of ">be me >walk into a walmart >see some SJW talking about mysoggyknees >puke" and whatnot. You could spot them from miles away and see right through them. TERFs of course still work on this level, trying to talk to normal people and rambling about "TIMs" and "large gametes" and "adult human females" and all that.

Now eventually, by and large, they've gotten steadily better at masking this crap. There's some terms and typing styles that have generally dropped off, there's a lot of weird coded phrases they use now that couple plausibly come from the mouths of normal people, but more than anything else, they made this HUGE push years back to infest the hell out of youtube and other websites with a lot of unattended impressionable children. They'd do things like ramble about Minecraft and... whatever else it was 12 year olds were really into around 2015 or so, and subtly pepper in their weird rhetoric, terminology, and conspiracy theories, trying to indoctrinate kids too young to know better, and frankly they made pretty good inroads. I don't know that they were super effective at turning that many kids into full on nazis, but they did a great job of normalizing a bunch of jargon and they at least messed with kids values enough for them to age into the sort of witch-hunting weirdos you see all over Tumblr here just itching to bun people at the stake for being too sex positive or whatever other weird arbitrary reason.

Now, I don't like this because I can no longer look at someone talking about "Chads" and "cucking" and such and know without the slightest doubt that that's one of those hardcore fascist creeps talking, which bugs me but, ow well, damage done. But also, you know, words mean things. You really can influence someone's thought patterns by encouraging trends in their vocabularies. Cults know this, that's why they're so keen on actually policing the hell out of how members talk, getting them to only express certain concepts in certain ways and all, so they don't ever question certain baseline assumptions and whatnot. And that still applies when you freely choose to adopt certain language.

This isn't always a huge problem. Hardcore nazis talk about "Chads" all the time as part of this super messed up offshoot of pickup artistry where there are inherently superior "Chads" that whatever woman you're hoping to manipulate into banging you are always going to pick over you, the wannabe pickup artist loser, because ultimately women are awful contemptible things incapable of seeing your best qualities, and when you go down that rabbit hole far enough people push you into going on killing sprees in hope of the government being brought to their knees and forcing women to ignore their Chad preference and date people like you under penalty of imprisonment or something. Super messed up, but as that one got mainstreamed it seems to have distorted a bit into a general (and maybe even gender neutral) term for someone cool you should try to emulate.

Then you have terms like "cuck" getting mainstreamed. That's a word that just DID NOT EXIST in the popular consciousness until about a decade ago. It was a thing previously, but only in specialized porn circles. It's short of "cuckold," this odd antiquated term, where you have this specific scenario where some white guy walks in on his wife or girlfriend having sex with a particularly physically impressive black man, and just kind of blubbers impotently as she brags about how impressive the new guy is. I assume it caught on with the general public because ha ha, the nazis are identifying with this loser in this obscure porn fetish. Meanwhile for the nazis this is total propaganda for all their garbage about "the great replacement theory" and general threat posed by black men and the concept of women being property to be defended and all that crap, and like... that's just inherently what the concept is here? You can't deploy "cuck" as an insult without at least SOME buy-in to, at the very least, some of that idea of women showing any sort of sexual interest in other people is a sign of failure on behalf of some guy who on at leas some level owns them and needs to defend their property from others and that's just a really messed up world view to enforce? Particularly when you're doing so as an alternative to just calling some pathetic loser a pathetic loser, or any number of other things that get that same point across.

Worse than that though? Cringe. To cringe is to physically recoil in instinctive disgust as an involuntary reaction to something profoundly terrifying or unpleasant. Like opening the door to a closet and having a wall of maggots suddenly collapse down from behind it or something. Fascists love to use this to describe the various sorts of human beings they intensely dislike and want to exterminate. "I can't articulate just what it is about just seeing this queer person existing in public that makes me shudder in revulsion, and that's cool because I love not thinking about my reactions and just acting on them" basically. And when someone who isn't a fascist refers to someone or something as "cringe" they... also mean it in exactly that fashion. The whole concept behind turning the word into an adjective like this is to externalize personal feelings of disgust and turn them into some objective flaw in the source, rather than analyze why you feel that way. It's really just not a concept you should have ANY term for, let alone this specific one. Like it's fine to be disgusted by someone, but you should always be able to clearly articulate why you feel that way. Like, say, "ugh, look at these disgusting losers who set up a whole message board just to stalk a bunch of random queer people. Could you ever imagine having such an inability to find joy in anything that that would seem like the best way to spend your time?" That's totally fine. But if you're ever in a situation where you're disgusted by someone and can't put a finger on why? There's some chance you're being groomed into irrationally hating people over some signifier they're a member of a group hate groups want wiped out. So you know, maybe strongly consider just dropping that one from your vocabulary?

Or how about the real big obvious one, "woke?" I feel like out of all of these, this is the one people are most likely to toss around without really thinking about what it actually means. So history lesson! Back in 2014 there was this absolutely horrific incident where a cop absolutely brutally murdered a child who was walking down the street in Ferguson, Missouri. Shot him six times, in front of a good number of witnesses. When questioned on it spouted off some absolutely WILD BS about him having superpowers, being a demon, and "bulking up" when shot. These are actual quotes, I want to be clear. Not only did he face no actual repercussions for this, he wasn't even charged with a crime, and there was a rather profoundly large number of people in law enforcement lining up to back up this murderer's story that he absolutely had to completely unload his gun into an unarmed child with hands over his head in the head to keep him from using his demonic super strength to tear him limb from limb.

Being such an astonishingly clear cut example of... this thing that cops are constantly doing to black children all over the country and all, there was a good deal of press coverage and protesting over this, and for a VERY brief period, maybe a month or two? People who were on the scene being terrorized by shockingly militarized police while they tried to hold candlelight vigils for this murdered child were referring to themselves as "woke." As in "this incident woke me up to the fact that racist cops really do have complete institutional protection any time they feel like straight up murdering an innocent child like this." Right wing monsters didn't quite immediately co-opt the term. There was a bit of workshopping from the more media savvy/TV show hosting far right types, particularly this whole embarrassing effort to try and make "black lives matter" sound in some way threatening, before they eventually settled on making "woke" into this slur that definitely and specifically does refer to "anyone who objects to police being allowed to murder innocent black children without fear of consequence" but is obfuscated enough to have some plausible deniability.

Now, I'll admit there may have been a bit of linguistic drift amongst the far right with the specific definition of the term. The edges may have blurred some on who it can be applied to, since we are talking about a crowd who relies pretty heavily on growth through emotional appeal, frowns on self-reflection, flattens terminology, and really prefer vague blanket catch-alls to targeting specific minorities because it's just easier that way. The spirit behind it has never changed at all though. It's still a declaration of seething hate and a demand for a general social status quo where it's basically OK for state agents to murder the sort of people they consider to be undesirable.

How about the usage of the term amongst people who aren't complete monsters? Well, the people who were originally self-describing themselves as "woke" stopped using it pretty damn quick, I think around the second time one of them was found with a fatal bullet wound in his chest, in his car, which was set on fire. As in more than one person protesting the whole police murdering innocent people deal was murdered in this specific ritualistic way. Serious stuff went down in Ferguson and we really should talk about it more. Then though, more recently, there are a hell of a lot of people you would maybe think should know much better who are... also tossing the word "woke" around in a sneering slur-adjacent fashion? Sometimes it's in this vague mocking contempt sort of way like "ooh, I guess this movie that just came out is 'woke' right, because there's a black woman as a major character?" Maybe more often though it's in some context of throwing people under the bus? Like, "hey, I consider myself left wing, but I'm not part of that woke crowd!" Which, you know, that's just a whole category of crap people say that should raise a red flag that they're trying to talk fascists into considering them good people before we even get into how you're actually saying you're OK with cops murdering innocent children. Again, I'm not saying you HAVE to immediately completely drop this term from your personal vocabulary, but, you know, I'd really appreciate it if you put some thought into it and whether there's a good reason you shouldn't?

For that matter, it's worth a bit of examination on how the hell this is even an issue in the first place? Like, how do people who aren't just the absolute worst pieces of human garbage constantly getting into a positon where they're talking like creeps making posts on obscure insular hate sites a decade ago? I'm pretty confident guessing it more or less always starts off with some sort of attempt at mockery. Maybe a few instances of trying to talk to people on their own level. And this all almost certainly comes from some kind of weird elitist viewpoint where people end up thinking far right monsters talk the way they do because they're stupid, unlike them, sophisticated well-educated people with refined sensibilities and a snappy sense of humor and wordplay or something.

Now... I'm not going to say that hardcore nazis AREN'T breath-takingly stupid. You have to be a pathetic loser with an extreme inferiority complex to sign up, and once you do you marinate in an echo chamber of propaganda slogans and extremely discouraged from ever taking time to really think about what you're doing or questioning anything you're told and all. That's going to dull your wit quite a bit. But here's the thing. Let's picture someone who just sits in a little shack somewhere who never talks to anyone, never reads, never thinks about anything of any sort to any degree except for forging axe-heads. He's got a forge in there, he was trained in how to do this one specific thing, it's the only thing he does, and he does it all day every day. Odds are pretty good you could beat this guy handily at any sort of battle of wits, trivia contest, philosophical discussion on the nature of humanity, etc. But I think we could all agree that it would be incredibly stupid of you to assume you could forge a better axe than this guy.

Fascists are like this, but instead of forging axe heads, the one thing they do at the expense of everything else is normalizing extreme bigotry. You're not going to beat them at the game of screwing with norms and language usage. You're not going to "own" them by using the terminology they use. You're going to internalize that hateful crap to SOME degree and poison your own thinking with it. Don't ever let them define any terms or otherwise control a conversation. Don't ever assume out of hand you have a shared understanding of what words mean with them. Really try to avoid ever speaking to them at all.

And hey, if you do make it a point like I do of being actively mindful to never use the same vocabulary as fascist pieces of garbage, and get into it with people around you who do, aside from everything else it makes it damn near impossible for any sort of cryptofascists to get a foothold trying to recruit you or mess with you (by which I mean nazis trying to hide that they're nazis not nazis trying to get you into NFTs or whatever but honestly WOW is there a lot of overlap).

All of this being said of course, I again remind you, hey, don't turn into some weird purity purging creep policing people's language. This isn't exactly an adjacent concept to what I'm talking about here. There's a pretty wide gulf. But just in case, I'm emphasizing it here. I've seen people do weird witch hunts over things like someone praising a fictional character as a good representation of someone on the autism spectrum or whatever and not liking the specific language they used to do so. Or like, hell, do I need to get into a whole sidetrack about the big campaign from TERFs to try and convince people that the word queer is a slur and try to ban queer people off sites like this one here for using it? Yeah don't have any part in that sort of crap. Just try to personally not parrot crap fascists say is all I'm getting at here.

[plantpest]

in general it is best not to post a message from someone anonymously accusing someone else of something if you are not 1000% sure they are correct. or even then, you could just block and move on. idk anything about the people involved here but it is a very common tactic to send a message to a popularish blog accusing someone of something because people love to dogpile.

m8 if someone tells you a person you like actually is a deeply hateful person and you find evidence of the claim during a 15min cursory search then yeah i do take that as good enough reason to publish the claim lmao

granted, after spending some more time looking into this whole mess i wish wasn’t so hasty in publishing the ask. however, that is more because i’m having a hard time wrapping my head around my feelings regarding That blog being by kate or someone else, as well as the claims that the anon sending these messages is a vile piece of shit. i’m fairly certain she holds some weird transphobic views (specifically against trans women)

and no. “block and move on” is what i do when someone is a regular asshole. or someone outside of my circles is a nasty pos and i want to avoid to accidentally interact with them. if someone within a community i move in holds dangerous and hateful ideologies i can and will drag it to the surface. i’m not gonna sit here and be all “aw shucks, this person is racist/queerphobic/what-have-you and very active within this community, but i’m gonna block ‘em in secret and let others accidentally promote them”

i wish she would spend an hour to try and sort out this mess and clearing her name - something i truly encourage her to do if this is a baseless 4+ year smear campaign against her. like, i may or may not owe this woman the biggest apology, but she’s not giving me anything to work with and so i’m gonna choose to protect myself even if that’ll drag her name through mud unnecessarily

[whereyoustand]

https://www.tumblr.com/whereyoustand/755979072298942464/oh-yes-of-course-christopher-wouldnt-possibly

I really wouldn’t give this anon that much attention. I can almost guarantee you it’s a bt stan making their daily rounds to send anon hate to buddie blogs. The way this absolutely follows word for word the typical script they all use here and on twitter, right down to the “the way you had him as a plot device” is the biggest giveaway to it.

Behind closed doors, they are all hoping and wishing Chris never comes back because in their minds it will “free buck to focus on only Tommy” yet they go around trying to act like they are concerned about him which is laughable at best. They have also had an especially bad week for their fandom so they are out in full force right now throwing tantrums in ask box’s etc.

hello, hello, thank you for the anon <3

I would like to stress that I don't care who anyone ships. It's a show and people are allowed their opinions. The second that anyone starts spreading hate, I lose all respect for that person. (talking about characters here, I keep away from the cast... i have learnt that disappointment one too many times.)

my personal opinion is that Tevan is okay for now because Buck deserves to have someone he trusts to explore his sexuality with but I am very confident in Buddie endgame. I also like Buck and Taylor, Buck/Ali, and Buck/Natalia - I genuinely think they were some positive matches for him but I still wanted Buddie endgame.

Liking another ship for a person doesn't mean I'm abandoning the ship, I'm still reading and writing Buddie fics and liking Buddie edits. I just also happen to read Tevan and BuckTaylor fics.

Media is meant to be interpreted in different ways, if you saw HenRen and thought, "Oh they hate Tommy", that's fine. If you saw the deleted scene and thought, "oh Tommy is so fun", that's also fine. I don't care!

I have seen a crazy amount of toxicity on both sides. With Buddie stans, I have seen such an insane amount of posts about Tommy which is crazy because they hate him but he's all they post about.

Tevan stans are also calling buddie fans delusional and getting out everything they don't like about Eddie through nasty comments and then defending some of his problematic actions.

Both are being so incredibly harmful and toxic, they are both as bad as each other, flooding comment sections with their intense opinions. I don't even care about Tommy that much but people keep spreading misinformation about him which I have to correct and people think I'm obsessed with him.

I understand why people don't like Tommy, and I understand why they do. I don't have the time and energy to join in on a shipping war - it's honestly embarrassing for everyone involved. I mean, one of the tiktokers I used to like is now only posting anti-Tommy stuff. At first it was fine, and then it became very toxic and CONSTANT. Like, they started guessing that Tommy would encourage Buck's ED all because he mentioned ketosis? in the same episode that Buck told Ravi; "You don't have to eat everything at a buffet"? please, acknowledge that every character has flaws, even your faves.

I think my whole thing with Tommy is that people don't genuinely believe he could've changed in the 8(?) years he's been gone from the 118, and that makes me feel really hopeless. But on the other hand, I understand why people still keep this opinion of him, it's not an easy past to dismiss. I could go back and forth about this topic, I'll use Trisha Paytas as an example if I had too, but I tend to follow the way Chimney and Hen react to him and so far, not really any issue with his past (just a shovel talk for Buck).

I love that media is up for interpretation, truly I do, but using it to hate on other people with a different opinion? that's messed up. It's kind of like Taylor Swift, people love posting about how much they don't like her but I personally have never thought twice about a band I didn't like - because having a different opinion doesn't matter.

It is a drama show, relationships are going to come and go, and yet for some reason people are always disappointed that there is drama lol.

People thinking hating is a personality trait, when actually it's just a bit sad.

[ruminate88]

my past love life 😣❤️‍🩹

06/29/24

You can call it pathetic… wanting someone to love you back. I was called “clingy” and “desperate” by other guys who were all too happy it didn’t work out with Andrew. Guys I had zero interest in and rather than to be gentle with me and tell me it’s ok, they acted like “ok move on. Don’t be pathetic.” I felt like my whole past love life was a sea of insecure and jealous men who could not wait to use and abuse me 😓 I was overly nice and not quick to judge people. I was super forgiving and dreaming of this “big grand love”. After 3 men in a row took turns exploiting me, I was so unstable and suicidal. Andrew made me feel like left over garbage that he used and tossed in a can. He was all too happy to discard me and watch me suffer. He kept changing his reason for us not working out. I couldn’t get a clear straight answer that I believed and yeah he did “apologize” more than once but it never felt honest or real to me. I was hurting so much, I couldn't believe anything he said really. How much of it was him or me, probably issues on both sides. It’s like I knew all along Andrew was only going to hurt me and yet it still came as a disappointment and a painful heartbreak.

I guess because Andrew would not break up with me. Every time I tried; he talked circles around me and kept promising me things would be different but things got worse and worse with time. To text him, I felt like I was annoying him and bothering him yet at random times, he would act like my boyfriend again and be so romantic with me. Complimented me and I believed he thought I was beautiful but I was confused too.

When I met my husband, he was the 1st guy to not judge me or make me feel stupid. He was the only guy to hold normal conversations with me that didn’t involve sex and he never pressured me for my nudes. He was just nice all around. I felt different with him, that’s why I married him so fast to escape all the jealous men. I felt like a human with him and not just some machine guys want to control. Idk why I attracted so many insecure men… maybe because I felt so bad about my own self and worked so hard to make sure no one else felt as bad as me. I would send men heart emoji’s and encourage them, even if I didn’t wanna date them…. Was I leading them on??? (Wasn’t trying to) I had men constantly sending me d*ck pics on kik and Snapchat, spamming me with attention but yet I felt like the most alone person in the world always. 🥺💔

at 26, I felt like all men cared about was sex and after I broke up with Andrew, I was so very sad and down on myself. Men continued to send me nasty pics and try to talk dirty with me. I remember talking to this guy at the time and we’re “sexting” and I just felt incredibly sad and empty. I knew the guy wanted it to be more than that and I was just letting it happen but didn’t like it and missed Andrew so badly. I know that was unfair of me to do and I felt so bad but like, I had started to make myself believe that it was life. That men only wanted sex and I had to put up with it.

I had disrespected myself so much, I saw almost no hope for “love” or “happiness”. Plus the moments Andrew would come back and give me so many different stories about “the truth” and told me, “I don’t know how to help you… you just need to time to get over me.” 😒😒😒 I didn’t care for his attitude. He was just soo full of himself and thought he was better than me and that’s his problem. I KNOW he’s not better than me or superior to me. I never thought I was perfect or better than him and I still don’t. I still care about if he’s doing well or not cuz I am capable of love and caring for people. Every guy from my past, holds some kind of meaning to me even if it was just exchanging photos or just being friends.

I can still name and remember faces of a lot of men from my past. I look back and recall their behaviors and reactions towards me…. Majority of them were emotionally unavailable, insecure and critical but then some were actually looking for relationship but I was so closed off to the idea because I was so cold and numb. Cody left me in a very dark space where I just did not care. I talked so many men after cody and they would send me d*ck pics and I was angry at my life. I for sure did not love myself nor was I remotely happy. I ONLY felt a moment of happiness when I was “dating” Andrew and thought we could potentially be falling in love together and I started to let my guard down with him…. We had moments where I felt so wanted and adored by Andrew but it quickly faded and was replaced with feelings of “im bothering him” and “I’m an annoyance” to him. I pushed to keep the “love bomb” phase. I worked so hard to get that time back but once he pulled away and started to expose his real intentions, I was feeling sooooooo worthless and sad. I was sad long before we broke up.

The times Andrew would PROMISE ME I was his priority and he didn’t wanna break up but I was feeling on edge like it was hard to believe him and trust him because 3 times we went through that same conversation and I continued to feel uneasy and stupid. But I wanted him so bad I was truly anxious and desperate to make it work.

there is sooooo much I could say about my past love life and write so much about the many men of my past. The men who befriended me that I didn’t love but yet we were close and of course Cody and Andrew who stole my heart and abused it. I only acknowledge those 2 really cuz they impacted me the most and I went through hell with them. I loved them more than I ever loved myself ❤️‍🩹💔 I would’ve saved them from a train. I would have went to Jupiter to be with them. They were both separately but equally my whole universe. Giving them that kind of power is what ruined my life. I had no idea they would do as much damage as they did but NOW I’m healing from them. Cody and Andrew, I’ll NEVER forget you both. I only wanted to hold your hearts and gently kiss your souls. I wanted you guys to be ok. I STILL want you to be ok..

they’ll never understand me and the way my mind and heart works ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹😔

[eorzeaisnotcrash]

I went on and did them all. Help.

Patchouli

It depends on the expansion/patch/reason she’s stressed or scared. Joceline might encourage herself to do her best, remind herself people are depending on her, eat something, get drunk, start a bar fight, take a depression nap, go shopping, rest inside her own head while she lets Esteem have the reins, or work herself up to wring every bit of pain she can from the entity/entities who pissed her off. 

Before 5.X, on the morning of a fight she expects to be particularly difficult, Jojo offers a prayer to Rhalgr.

Jojo mostly paid lip service to begin with, and that was before she lost all her enthusiasm for the Twelve. There’s no coming back, especially now she’s learned the truth about them.

Oh, she definitely wants to protect. The only reason she bothers with some parts of MSQ is lowering the odds of losing any more people she cares about. She may grumble and sulk and play hooky, but she’ll kill what she has to kill, and she’ll side-eye anyone she thinks might hurt her people. And because she’s so good at dealing with threats, finding things, and making things, folks do tend to feel better when she’s around, even when she’s being a brat. She hates feeling stifled, and is careful not to give others reason to feel that way.

Well, there are the dungeons where she has to fight undead. And there’s the Lifestream. Jojo mainly feels this while witnessing Severian say goodbye, and after she and Paiyo Reiyo pay their respects to Edda.

Cinnamon

Jojo does enjoy it. How often she enjoys it depends on how hard they’re working her in a particular patch/expac. She doesn’t feel she has to keep it secret, but it’s something that just doesn’t occur to her to discuss without someone asking about it.

She comes from a big family, and while they weren’t starving, they definitely weren’t rich. The minute she no longer had to spend or sell everything she looted, she became a pack rat. She still is, and even though she now has a house, she’ll probably be that way till she stops existing. Depending on everybody else’s generosity might stretch resources others need for themselves, get her labeled as a mooch, or have her owing favors she doesn’t want or need to.

The weather doesn’t cause Jojo to feel more or less energetic.

Jojo loves dressing up and feasting and dancing and laughing… WHEN SHE CAN. She is not the one to endure a life of work work work and little fun. She doesn’t want all the trouble of being a host and she wouldn’t know where to start, so she’s definitely there as a guest.

She’s quite healthy. Physically.

Nutmeg

She tries to think clearly, but if things are bad (HW, SB, early 5.0 and parts of 6.0) she’s often sad, mad, and/or paranoid, and that definitely affects how she thinks.

She isn’t particularly eloquent when she does it, but Jojo expresses herself with ease.

She often tries to put herself in the other person’s shoes, assuming it’s not one of the times she’s so overworked and angry that she doesn’t care, but whether she can or can’t is on a case-by-case basis. If it’s a case of someone acting like they want X but then doing a more convoluted Y, she won’t get it. If you talk about achieving A, but are acting like issues B, C, and/or D are no big deal, she won’t understand what’s going through your head. If you’re worried for somebody’s safety, worn out from your job, or unhappy because you‘ve been bereaved, betrayed, and/or dehumanized, she can definitely empathize.

The situation has to involve her convictions to begin with. If Jojo feels pressured into or dragged into something, she’ll keep thinking about the odds of crashing and burning. If she WANTS to do what she’s doing, she’ll believe in it more readily, but she’s never 100% immune to doubt.

The horrible things that keep happening in 2.55 and 3.0 show her a couple of nasty realities. One, trusting people is dangerous. People in power (and this causes no problems whatsoever considering who the not-dead Scions need to interact with in Ishgard), mysterious crystals who claim to want to protect the star, non-combatant associates who arrogantly order everyone else around. Two, the Warrior of Light is not a person. She’s a weapon to kill what other people want her to kill; she’s dumb muscle to stand there quietly while other people make plans, and have emotions, and receive encouragement and comfort. Not long after she finally starts getting over these realities, she visits Noesis and is slapped in the face with proof that she and others have been taking orders from a primal. Great. And then there’s the end of her visit to Elpis, when she learns that she and her loved ones have been tapped in a time loop and she’s basically told Hydaelyn to kill Minfilia, and hey, the old world actually is kind of nice now that she’s seen it with her own eyes, but it has to go. She is immeasurably sorry she’s learned all of these things.

Clove

Jojo doesn’t do it on purpose, but people do start feeling safe around her when they believe they can depend on her. If she doesn’t like you or what she’s been press-ganged into doing, you may be able to feel the god-killers’s hostility rolling off of her, and that plus the lovely aromas of cheap wine and the blood of her enemies she can’t be bothered to wash off can be pretty unsettling. Now THAT she does on purpose.

She’s quite easygoing when she feels like a person. If she feels taken for granted, betrayed, dehumanized, lied to, stuck with people she doesn’t like or trust, or like she’s being talked down to -or if someone she cares about is being similarly abused -she will get cranky. She doesn’t bother to hide it and she wouldn’t be much good at it if she tried.

It depends. She would rather stay clean, but if her mood is too bad for too long, she can become quite unhygienic and stay like that for a while. If anyone has a problem with it, they’re welcome to go be the Weapon of Light while she takes enough time for herself to have a bath.

If she does, she’ll look for some running water and get the worst spots. Maybe if it rains hard enough she stands out in it.

Safety is having adequate shelter and food and funds. Safety is also being around people you can trust, as well as having skills and weapons to handle the times you aren’t. Safety means low odds of the place you lay your head being obliterated in a war or apocalypse… and safety means not being constantly thrown at a zillion enemies with little to no battle plan. Jojo chooses to do some dangerous things, but she definitely wants safety for herself and others.

Frankincense

Sometimes she thinks about what she needs to do in the future, or what she had no business doing and should never do again. Nidhogg and Esteem make themselves known with no effort on her part -she’s not likely to find anything scarier than them when she looks within.

If you’re curious or enthusiastic about something that she is. Or if she thinks you’re adorable and wants to see you thrive. Or if you do or say something that makes her think “wow, so cool!”

How old are you and which expac is this? She’ll always make an effort to keep things clean for the little ones and respectable elders (even if she can’t switch off the cynicism), but deep down she’s still twelve summers old. In HW-SB she generally does not care about self-censorship and is a bad bad girl.

There’s some Insane Jojo Logic behind some of what she says and does, but she always understands her own motives.

It depends on when/where they meet her (and therefore the amount of angry resting face she displays) and how they try. Even when she’s not in edgelady mode, if you approach her the wrong way she will become unsettled and shut you out, and you’ll have to work extra hard to learn about her.

Myrrh

Jojo originally hoped they went to one of the heavens. Then her fellow Scions told her about the Lifestream. She’s fine with the ancestors not watching over her -being dead, it’s not like they’d be able to help her much. (She eats those words at the Final Steps of Faith and again before the Dying Gasp.)

Oh, she’d get bored very quickly. She can be quiet with her own thoughts, though.

Sometimes Starlight makes her a little sad, because that’s about when the crap in Ul’dah happened, and she spent most of the holiday grieving the dead and dreading the day the Ascians went buckwild with no one to resist them. 

As long as they don’t intend to sic a god/gods on anyone, Jojo stays quiet and lets others meditate or worship as they see fit. She might even join in; it can’t hurt. In the case of the kami, between the not drowning and the interactions with Tsukumo, she straight-up converts.

While she can see physical damage and maybe feel sad about the waste of life, Jojo’s senses are pretty dull when it comes to this.

Scents of Samhain OC Ask List.

Celebrated from October 31st to November 1st, Samhain heralds the end of the harvest season and the onset of winter, or what the Celts considered the “darker half” of the year. As one of the major Celtic fire festivals, Samhain holds a place of significant importance, marking a period when the veil between worlds is thin and spirits are more likely to make an appearance.

Patchouli: Grounding, protection, and spiritual growth.

What does your OC use to anchor themselves emotionally during times of stress, or when they are feeling afraid? Do they think of a specific person? Focus upon their religious faith? Reflect upon a firmly held belief? Or something else?

Does your OC have any particular rituals or actions they perform for good luck, perhaps before embarking upon a risky venture or new activity?

How in touch is your OC with the spiritual beliefs and traditions of their culture of origin? Have they ever moved away from these? Perhaps only to return to them later?

How protective is your OC of those about whom they care? Does this ever come across as controlling or stifling? Or do they provide a quietly reassuring presence?

Are there specific times or places where your OC feels particular in touch with things beyond the everyday - whether the divine, the occult or the world of the dead.

Cinnamon: Warmth, prosperity, and vitality.

Does your OC enjoy feeling cosy? Perhaps being snuggled in blankets or wrapped in furs? If so, then is this something that they get to enjoy very often? And is it something about which they are quite private?

Is your OC someone who tends to store resources to get through the winter (or times of hardship in general)? Or are they more inclined to assume that things will work themselves out somehow - or even rely upon the generosity of others?

Does your OC feel more energetic or motivated during warmer seasons or when in hotter climates? Conversely, do they feel inclined to "hibernate" during colder weather?

Is your OC someone who enjoys feasting and carousing? If so then are they likely to be hosting such an event? Or more likely to be attending as a guest? If they don't enjoy such things, then what is the reason for their aversion?

Is your OC generally quite healthy? Or do they often come down with colds and minor ailments? Are they perhaps even a bit of a hypochondriac?

Nutmeg: Clarity, spiritual fortitude, and insight.

Would those who know your OC describe them as being rational and clear-thinking? Or are their thoughts often muddied by conflicting emotions? Or are they easily distracted by irrelevant details?

Does your OC find it easy to explain their views and opinions? Or do they find themselves grasping for the right words? Or perhaps stumbling over how to phrase something?

Is your OC easily able to empathise with others? Can they put themselves in someone else's shoes? Or are the motives and actions of others frequently a mystery to them?

Does your OC have the courage of their convictions? Or are they often beset by self-doubt or paralysed by indecision?

Was there a specific event or conversation which opened your OC's eyes to a particular reality? Do they ever regret learning the truth and feel nostalgic for their former innocence?

Clove: Safety, cleansing, and amiability.

Is your OC someone who makes those around them feel safe? Or is there something about them which others can find rather unsettling? If so, then is this the case constantly, or only in certain circumstances?

Is your OC generally easy-going? Or are they sometimes fussy, irritable or curmudgeonly? What tends to put them into a bad mood? Are they good at concealing the fact? Do they even try?

How important is cleanliness to your OC? Are they keen to wash and bathe as often as possible? Or can they go for extended periods without being troubled by any social expectations around personal hygiene?

When away from the comfort and convenience of amenities such as baths and showers, how does your OC keep themselves clean and fresh? If they do at all?

What does safety mean to your OC? Is it emotional or financial security? Or protection from physical harm? Is safety something for which they aim - either for themselves or others?

Frankincense: Connection, introspection, and purification.

Is your OC prone to introspection? Or do they not often look within themselves? If so then is this purely by inclination, or do they fear what they might discover?

What makes your OC feel an instant sense of connection to another person? A shared sense of humour? A common cultural heritage? Enjoyment of the same activities?

Is your OC a model of purity and innocence? Or are they prone to bawdy humour, sexual innuendos and cynical retorts? Perhaps they give the appearance of purity, but underneath things are a great deal murkier?

Does your OC ever do things and then afterwards find it hard to explain why they acted the way that they did? Or are they always clear on why they spoke or behaved in a certain way, even if they choose not to admit it to others?

Is your OC someone who other people consider easy to get to know? Are they, in fact, quite wrong about this?

Myrrh: Meditation, spiritual awareness, and grief.

Does your OC believe that their ancestors or dead relatives watch over them? Does this bring them comfort? Or would they actually rather they didn't?

Is your OC able to sit in silence with their own thoughts? Are they able to clear their mind and meditate? Or would they quickly become fidgety or bored?

Is there a particular date or season when your OC is more likely to reflect upon grief and loss? If they are grieving for a specific person then do they find times such as anniversaries or namedays particularly difficult?

To what degree is your OC mindful of the religious and spiritual beliefs of others? Even if they do not share them?

Is your OC sensitive to locations where great loss or suffering took place? Do they believe they can sense the echoes of past events? Or are they oblivious? How do they respond emotionally to being in such places?