#like being in the “here to explore whatever” mindset with a story is so much fun

[poeticsandaliens]

one of the things that impresses me so much about TMA is that I'm content enough with how the story went down and enjoy the cast of characters and their dynamics such that I don't have a single "exclude" tag here on AO3. Like yeah there's stuff thematically I don't read but nothing I automatically filter out when I comb through the TMA tag. No characters or ships that I really avoid.

[sepublic]

People -and this did include myself at one point- really don't want to engage with the fact that Belos is modeled after white supremacy by trying to bury this under the lens of "Oh he's actually a lonely weirdo like Luz!!!" when Belos' superiority complex is the most important part of him and it's where all analyses inevitably must stem from. I think the problem is that people are too attached to their speculative fanon version of Belos and instead of letting go of that to rebuild their understanding of him from the ground up (since he's a mysterious character who is only gradually revealed bit by bit), they keep clinging to this sympathetic tragic villain as the core behind their interpretation of him. 

Everything about Belos makes so much more sense when you explore him as someone akin to a lot of right-wing 4channers; A lonely young boy who was radicalized because white supremacy promised to rescue him from his isolation, and after buying into it wholesale, he very much chose to cling onto the need to be superior to the "NPCs" even when someone close to him actually unlearns and deconstructs for him why this is harmful. He sees firsthand how someone just like him is happier for leaving this mindset, and then kills them to eliminate that contradiction threatening his world belief; At which point it’s inaccurate to infantilize him as just a lonely and misguided kid, because he’s no longer a kid and he made a very cognizant and informed choice to double down and commit actual violence.

And everyone knows that by this point, such people are not actually being sincere; They’re not secretly misguided, you can’t simply attribute their harm to not knowing better because this is what their religion says or whatever. These people know they’re committing harm, but rather than help on “lesser” people’s terms, they ‘help’ the way THEY see fit, in the way that strokes their ego. That’s what separates Philip from someone like Gwen, who humbled herself to focus on what Eda was saying she really needed. So the Titan’s summarization of Belos as someone who only cares about being the hero in his own delusion, and fears what he can’t control is… hardly an oversimplification, it really gets to the core of Belos as a character, and the narrative he embodies. It captures the difference between wanting to help and having a savior complex, and is what ends up delineating the two at the crucial crossroads. 

And I find it a little concerning to joke about how this type of character is “just a silly guy” when people exactly like him are on the rise and committing very real violence right now. It’s also why I don’t buy the justification behind a lot of salt about how villains need to be humanized in order to show kids how THEY can become villains, because the show is fairly outright about how Belos rationalizes atrocities under the guise of the ‘greater good’ and refuses to self-reflect, and it’s not as if we don’t have Luz learning to understand characters like Amity or Lilith, the Collector and even Kikimora (whom she DID relate to personally, yet Kiki still doubled down with or without Belos), while still having the show emphasize that they need to get their act together and can’t just depend on people to save them. 

There’s also the very obvious theme of Luz realizing she doesn’t owe her oppressor anything, especially not when he won’t ever meet her or anyone else on their terms, but idk some people just seem to hate Luz for having boundaries I guess, even though she already put in the effort to be kind and understanding to Belos and she got hurt for it. Hell the Collector made that effort after being inspired by Luz, and Luz was murdered protecting them from that mistake!!! There are some very obvious stories and lessons being told here with the actual protagonists being the heart of those narratives, but the problem I’ve noticed is that a lot of the people complaining on Belos’ behalf are those who hyperfixated almost exclusively on the Wittebane aspect of the lore, going over it with a fine tooth comb and microscope to extrapolate an entire fanon from the littlest of details… only to just ignore the actual show and narrative and themes happening on-screen. 

And that leads to many not understanding various narrative decisions because they weren’t really paying attention to the actual point they’re in service to, and then they blame the writers for their own chosen ignorance, and how the story wasn’t about their part specifically so everything else doesn’t count and the whole show is wasted potential, really. The way so many of said fans immediately turned on Luz after the finale and tried to drag her down to Belos’ level by acting like she wasn’t any better for also wanting things and 'demonizing enemies', claiming Luz had unaddressed ‘flaws’ while Belos deserved more sympathy, and framing Belos as a ‘better’ character who ‘worked harder’ while claiming Luz was retconned into an arrogant chosen one who never grew, is actually baffling.

A lot of them are just upset that Belos didn’t play the role in Luz’s arc that they wanted him to play, so they’ve opted to dismiss Luz’s overall storyline as badly written and even a reflection of Dana's 'Catholic complex' (which is a tasteless jab to make) because they neglected the nuance behind every other aspect of Luz that wasn’t directly tied to Belos, that didn’t set her up as the one person who understands him or whatever because that’s more important to them than addressing the sheer trauma and pain that Belos willingly inflicted upon Luz. Because god forbid this brown girl be angry against her white abuser, huh? God forbid the white guy be used to set up the brown main character, rather than the other way around right????? It’s really just a jealous complaint about the show’s choice of priorities and celebration, hidden under the false guise of ever caring about Luz’s arc for Luz’s sake.

And that’s how you get insincere arguments about how Belos should’ve been able to survive, that’s how you get AUs that undermine the lessons of canon to egregiously relegate Luz to being Belos’ sidekick, or even present her as an obstacle to him getting his much-needed redemption, as if that last part hinges on all of Belos’ victims getting over their pain to help him, because obviously he needs it more than they do! Because we gotta spare Belos’ feelings by giving him friends instead of consequences!!! Unbelievable. He is not Amity, not Lilith, and definitely not Hunter, and the people who forgave them had actual reason to do so. And even Lilith had to move in with her mother so she could be given reparations by someone who actually owed it to her, rather than her younger sister and two kids.

And there’s definitely a major difference between Lilith and Gwen’s dynamic and Philip and Caleb’s, especially since Caleb was also a child when he moved into Gravesfield. Even if you think Belos' bigotry was radicalized due to 'grief' over losing his brother to witches, that's just entitlement and control because it's not as if Caleb can't have more than one positive relationship in his life; Philip is no better than people who blame minorities for some incident in their life and use that as justification to become white supremacists, and there's nothing sympathetic or 'tragic' about that.

But the point is that Caleb ultimately wasn’t THAT important to Belos because he’d always be secondary to witch-hunting, Belos clearly chose his white supremacy over his brother, and any ‘takebacks’ that come in the form of the Grimwalkers are insincere given Belos does nothing to actually repent or regret his violence committed on the people of the isles; It’d have been one thing if he DID try to undo his mistake by choosing differently, by cloning Caleb and giving up witch hunting, but he still doesn’t (Note that Belos does not hallucinate the ghosts of the witches he killed; He still feels no remorse over them, because his fear of being wrong comes from a selfish place). And unlike Luz, Belos can’t have it both ways because one option explicitly calls for the extermination of the other; It’s the Paradox of Tolerance that Luz struggled with, except contrary to what Belos claims, humanity’s existence does not require the eradication of others.

Because yes there IS a meaningful moral distinction between Luz and Belos -don’t forget they’re not just parallels but explicit opposites- that occurs even before you get into the genocide, not that you should neglect that other part either because it’s incredibly important, being the starting point for this entire rant. Society already has a bias towards devil’s advocating bigotry as some big misunderstanding, and prioritizing the angst of white dudes who commit it over the victims of color; Can we avoid applying that to fiction?!??!? I literally saw someone complain that the show didn’t portray Belos’ grief from murdering Luz, and that Luz’s “glory moment” took away from a Wittebane backstory!!! At this point, people are just being racist.

[lu-is-not-ok]

Have You noticed that Gregors E.G.O.s (With possible exceptions of AEDD) are more his semi-sentient arms E.G.O.s. They all either require sloth, or are sloth EGO, representing him letting the arm do whatever it wants. It also ties in with how both Lantern and Legerdemain corrosions are arm overtaking the body. And here we also have exception of AEDD which doesnt involve sloth, and in which corrosion its clearly gregor who's in control while corroded instead of his arm.

Alright, so, I'm going to take this opportunity to ramble about Gregor's bug arm in general. Not just how it related to his E.G.Os, but also in his other Identities and the main plot as well.

Strap in, cause this is likely going to be a more of a ramble than a proper guided analysis. Though, I will try to split these into sections somewhat.

Gregor's arm in the main story

Let's start by exploring what we know about Gregor's arm from the main story content. I'll be mostly focusing on Canto I, since that's where we get most of our info about Gregor, but I'll also dip into other Cantos and base Gregor ID's voicelines as I see fit.

So, Canto I. The Outcast. We learn a lot about Gregor's past here, about his trauma from the war, the way he and the other soldiers were treated after the war ended, and the way other veterans see him as a deserter and traitor due to him (arguably) being able to reintegrate into society better than the other soldiers.

We also learn where exactly his arm came from - a procedure performed on all G Corp employees and soldiers, some of which were actual children at the time. From the flashback we see of Gregor after the procedure, we see that he let himself cut the apple on the day of his fifteenth birthday, meaning he had the procedure when he was fourteen. A procedure that his mother performed on him, no less.

The Canto 1 dungeon itself takes on a rather interesting form. The first few encounters directly tie back to Gregor's past, with him being faced with other veterans who recognise him, and a Head Manager that Gregor himself recognises.

A Head Manager who is still stuck in that military mindset, still believing he's in the middle of a war because he's still struggling to survive just as much as he did during it. It's only when Gregor reveals that he was struggling just as much when he tried to become part of society does the Head Manager realize that Gregor wasn't the utter traitor he thought he was.

Things get interesting when we go further into Floor 2 of the Dungeon, where instead of a direct callback to Gregor's past, we get to learn about Yuri's story, having it directly parallel Gregor, as the two are both people who had to run and abandon their peers to survive a horrible event. It's an experience Gregor greatly sympathizes with, and I believe is one of the reasons why Yuri's death hits him as hard as it does.

However, the part I really want to focus on is the final floor of the Dungeon, the fathoms of Gregor's ego. We see one scene play out over and over again, each time details becoming skewed and more exagerrated. The aging bomb changes from aiming for a soldier's outpost to aiming for a Nest, going from only targetting the enemy to also hitting innocent civilians. Tomah goes from acting professional if a little energetic, to outright manic and obsessive over Gregor's status as G Corp's hero.

This, I believe, is extremely important to Gregor's character. The whole bottom floor of his dungeon is a symbolic representation of his PTSD. How he's constantly reliving his trauma over and over again, with his memories of the actual events being unreliable and more so driven by his recollection of how he felt during them, rather than objectively remembering what happened.

And this is where I go back to his arm, as I believe it too is a representation of Gregor's PTSD. The way Gregor describes his arm as a seperate entity, as something that acts on its own without his control or input, reminds me of how some people describe their experience with PTSD and trauma as the feeling of always being afraid of a monster that could creep up on you at any moment.

We see that Gregor is somewhat capable of hiding his arm, as shown in the flashback CG of him on the subway, where he hides that arm under a sleeve and behind his back. Most of the time, he can hide his trauma and live as normal of a life as he can, joking about the propaganda posters his face is still on.

But all it takes is one small thing. One small trigger. And just like that trauma comes crashing back to him, his arm goes out of control, attacking whatever or whoever triggered it as if it were still on a battlefield, fighting for Gregor's life. Just like Dante's words throw Gregor into a traumatic flashback, the seemingly kind act of a stranger at the wrong time threw his arm into a frenzy.

An important part of that is revealed in a Canto II cutscene, where Gregor admits he doesn't know what exactly could trigger his arm to "rage out of control", as he puts it. For all he knows, the stimulation caused by dancing could be enough to do it. It also might not. The fact that something as seemingly innocent and neutral as dancing could be a trigger, and the fact that Gregor himself doesn't know all of his triggers, both further point to this metaphor being intentional.

Plus, there is the motif of Gregor's arm regrowing no matter how many times it's cut off. Just like one can't just get rid of one's trauma and PTSD, Gregor can't get rid of his arm. It's something he has to learn to live with. Like he says in one of his Chatter lines, he had to accept he's stuck with it, like it or hate it.

Gregor's arm in other Identities

So... an interesting thing happens to Gregor's bug arm in his alternate Identities. Other than G Corp Gregor, who'd still have gone through the procedure as he did in the main world, all other Gregors all lack that arm, having a prosthetic in its place. And likewise, the arm means something different to each different Gregor.

We already discussed how LCB Gregor's arm is a metaphor for his PTSD, a symbolic, physical manifestation of his trauma.

G Corp Gregor's arm is actually quite interesting in this regard. It comes from the same source as LCB Gregor's, and has a similar role of serving as a physical reminder of sorts, but it's the details of what it reminds Gregor of that is different here. For G Corp Gregor, his arm is a reminder of why he's fighting in the war in the first place - because he didn't want to helplessly watch from afar. While he's aware it and the other side-effects of the augmentation won't let him return to civilian life, he claims he doesn't regret it.

It's a twist that makes sense considering his situation. Whereas LCB Gregor is a Gregor who left the war with the arm being a grim reminder of what he had to do during it, G Corp Gregor is a Gregor still in the middle of it who uses his arm as a way to remind himself why he's in this situation in the first place.

Now, we got to our first prosthetic arm Gregor - Liu Gregor. Here, Gregor has an almost utilitarian view of his arm, seeing it as a source of fire for his cigarettes and as something that helps him in combat. He specifically points out how his prosthetic arm can't feel pain, calling it outright invincible because of that fact.

It's a fascinating subversion to how LCB Gregor and even G Corp Gregor view their arms. Whereas for them their bug arms have an almost sentimental value in a way, being reminders of their trauma and the reason they're fighting respectively, Liu Gregor's prosthetic arm is almost like an afterthought to him. Just something to light a fire and fight with.

Though, I do think the way Liu Gregor seems to focus on the fact his prosthetic arm feels no pain specifically is important. Considering his Core Sin of Sloth and how much Liu Gregor seems to try to shirk his work, claiming that straining himself is a good enough excuse for a whole week of rest... There's something to it, I think, though I can't quite put my finger on it just now.

Chef Gregor is an interesting Identity when talking about Gregor's arm, because it has the least importance out of all the Gregor IDs. All we learn about Chef Gregor's arm is that his mechanical one can get sore (implying it's of high-enough quality to feel pain, interesting when you contrast it with Liu Gregor's prosthetic), and that his old arm is implied to have ended up as an ingredient (though how much of that is the truth and how much is Gregor fucking around with Dante is unclear).

If Liu Gregor's arm is an afterthought in his eyes, then Chef Gregor's arm is a joke to him. There's a level of casualness and levity to the way Chef Gregor talks about his arm, to the point it just feels like just another ordinary part of his life... as ordinary of a life as being a cannibal chef can be.

Honestly, it's kind of refreshing to see his arm be treated as just another part of him and nothing more than that. As much as I love digging into every single dialogue line and design choice for deeper meaning (and I appreciate just how much this kind of reading is facilitated by the way Limbus Company is written), sometimes a prosthetic arm is just a prosthetic arm, no strings attached, and I think that's great.

Rosespanner Gregor is up next, and here we get to see another interesting take on Gregor's arm. For this Gregor, his prosthetic arm is actually of his own creation. His invention, his to-be workshop product, a machine he created to facilitate his dream of leaving Rosespanner and starting his own workshop.

It's probably the most unique interpretation of his arm that we see thus far. It's not a reminder of the past like it is for LCB and G corp Gregor, and it's not just part of his everyday life like Liu and Chef Gregor. No, for Rosespanner Gregor his arm is an accomplishment, a path towards a more successful life. I don't know about you, but I personally find that very interesting.

Finally, we got the most recent Gregor - Zwei Gregor. Similarly to Liu Gregor, Zwei Gregor sees his arm as an asset, a trump card he hides under a glove to reveal when his client is in danger. In fact, his prosthetic arm is shown to be strong enough to not only wield a zweihander without the help of his other hand, but also to stop a strike that could have bisected a person.

Zwei Gregor never actually talks about his prosthetic arm directly, only alluding to it due to him hiding it as a sort of surprise tool that will help him later. However, I believe it does show that this Gregor views his arm in a purely utilitarian manner, similarly to Liu Gregor. An interesting connection, and I suppose it fits with them both being Association members.

Gregor's arm in E.G.Os

That's right, we're finally talking about the thing the ask was Actually about. I'm so good at answering questions in a clear and concise manner. /s

Starting off with Suddenly, One Day, something about it immediately caught my eye. For all the other base E.G.Os, the striped "prisoner" garb is worn by the Sinner in question (Faust included, while she doesn't wear it in the illustration, she does have it on in the attack animation), however in Gregor's case, the striped cloth is wrapped exclusively around his arm.

Notably, it doesn't look like it's some actual piece of clothing that Gregor could have worn but just didn't, no those are actual wrappings specifically for the arm. It's a fascinating visual when you think about Gregor's arm as a representation of his trauma and PTSD. It's not the Gregor everyone sees that's a prisoner, it's not the person he acts as while living in a society, it's his traumatized self he keeps hidden that's the actual prisoner to the trauma he's endured.

As for the Library floor symbols on those wrappings... Yeah, I have no clue. The only connection I can make is that Gregor is Jewish and the symbols also represent the different Sephirot from the Tree of Life, so it could be a reference to that.

The attack itself involves the arm bursting out of the prisoner wrappings and attacking against Gregor's will. While this could represent how his arm can go into a frenzy out of Gregor's control, there's another interesting interpretation I just thought of.

Each finger of Gregor's frenzied arm in this E.G.O takes on a different form. I don't know what the common theory is on those, but I believe these are meant to represent the factions that Gregor fought on the side of during the war. The bug-like finger represents the old G Corp, and the smoking red finger could represent the old L Corp, the source of the smoke during the Smoke War. In Outis's Uptie story we're told E Corp and F Corp also fought on that side of the war and could potentially be represented by two of the fingers, but since we don't know how canon that is to the main world, I'm not going to try and guess which of the fingers represent them.

With all that said, I believe in this way Suddenly, One Day's arm could also represent the war itself, specifically the side of it Gregor has found himself on, how he was effectively made the leader figure of that side against his will, and how despite being the face of the war he himself never had any real control over how it went.

...Okay that was a lot, I'm going to hopefully speed through the other E.G.Os because I'm not gonna fully analyze those (and I already analyzed AEDD anyway), so.

Legerdemain has Gregor's arm take on the form of an apple on a stem, the roots of which are spreading all over Gregor. Gregor seems to have some control over his arm here, but he does seem to somewhat struggle with it, having to hold onto it with his other arm and hesitating before attacking.

Like you mentioned in the ask, the corrosion here involves the branches (and now also maggots) completely taking over Gregor, with the maggots within the apple being the ones controlling his actions here.

I think Gregor's arm here is interesting to interpret, as it seems to generally represent himself, or rather how he's viewed by others. During his Awakening, it's shown as a golden apple, representing the golden poster boy that Gregor was seen as during the war. However, in the corrosion it becomes rotten and overtaken with maggots, showing that despite his seeming priviledge and higher status he was seen as just as much of a rotten pest as the rest of the soldiers.

Next up, Lantern. Here, Gregor's arm takes on the form of a branch and a fairy, the only visible part of the Abnormality Faelantern. In the Corrosion, Gregor becomes overtaken by the plant, specifically becoming caught by the underground portion of it, the true core of Faelantern that uses the branch and fairy as a lure.

In this case, I believe Gregor's arm is meant to represent the propaganda he was involved in creating. The "tales" his fairy is reading are the tales of old G Corp's victories and the honorable soldiers fighting in the war, trying to bring more people willing to fight on old G Corp's side. However, his Corrosion shows that he was just as caught up by the source of that branch as anyone else captivated by the propaganda, he was suffering during the war just as much as everyone else.

Now, onto AEDD. I already made an analysis on that E.G.O right here, but to summarize: AEDD represents the abuse Gregor went through at the hands of Hermann, and it shows him acting out because of that abuse in a way that mimics her, with him fully putting himself in her role when he Corrodes.

In this way, I think Gregor's arm while using AEDD represents something similar to the one in Legerdemain - it represents Gregor himself, though in this case it represents how Hermann sees him.

Just like you also pointed out, Gregor is fully in control if his arm in this E.G.O, and yet it's the one E.G.O where his arm is most clearly a seperate entity - taking on the form of a full shock centipede. I think to understand exactly what it means, one should interpret that arm centipede as Gregor, while the Gregor using AEDD should be interpreted as a representation of Hermann.

This, I think, makes the AEDD arm make a lot more sense. The reason why the arm appears to be a fully seperate entity, yet is completely under Gregor's control? Because it represents how Hermann had full control over Gregor, seeing him as another bug in her army of pests, yet special enough to dedicate more of her attention to.

Perhaps that's why the AEDD Corrosion involves both of Gregor's arms turning into centipedes, with one of them glowing with electricity. Hermann's bug soldiers are her weapons, her arms in the war, but Gregor is a special one. A pest that got to glow a little bit brighter than the rest.

To summarize...

Man, Gregor's arm tells us a lot about his character and themes, huh? From being a symbolic physical manifestation of trauma, to a reflection of how other people view him, to just being your everyday prosthetic arm. And I think it's Really Fucking Cool, so I hope you all do too.

[lucienne-thee-librarian]

Tw: lesbophobia, bullying, petty bitching about the Mean Girls remake and a subset of OG movie fans:

I Know. I KNOW its a me thing. But I saw a post that broke containment about the new Mean Girls movie how OMG REGINA CANONICALLY SINGS ABOUT GETTING GIRLS IN THE END SONG and my first response was "oh god, really?"

Look, I was never wild about the whole "Regina George was secretly closeted and that's why she picked on Janis to distract from her own feelings and save herself" fan theory but at least it was JUST a fan theory. And I know the original movie ending where it turns out Janis isn't even really gay, she was Lebanese and Regina got confused, and see she dances with a boy at the end, it's all okay she wasn't ACTUALLY a dyke!!!! - yeah I rolled my eyes too. Yeah, that was dumb and a coward's move, but idk. At least the movie itself, even if it copped out at the end by not risking having two of the protagonists be ACTUALLY gay in a teen movie...at least it seems aware that homophobic bullying is bad??

The original movie, whatever else you can say about it, or how it handled that issue or any others...at least tried to take that shit seriously. Janis was an outcast years after middle school who flinches at the idea of Damian telling anyone new about what Regina said about her for fear any new friends would abandon her immediately over it. Even Regina herself (blithely, callously, of course, but it's meant to be that) admits that the bullying Janis got as a result of Regina spreading those rumors about her made Janis break down, cut her hair and have to leave school temporarily over the rumors. Regina said that. Herself. With no remorse but she said it. The movie is a comedy, but it doesn't shy away from how brutal bullying of all forms can be. That's kind of the whole point of the goddamn movie.

But idk if the fans of this theory haven't experienced that much bullying themselves or its just a coping mechanism I can't relate to...that theory of "oh Regina's a closet case homophobe poor thing" just completely (to me) softens the whole thing, these fans do it to by making Regina in a sense, another victim. They may not intend it that way, but in the few times I've seen a Mean Girls post and my nostalgia got me scrolling a bit I've stumbled on this. Seen it in various places online and it always made me want to hiss like a wet cat because it's always like "omg poor Regina comphet sucks <333" and. Hork. Im sorry, hork.

Sorry, but I spent too much time BEING on the receiving end of that shit in middle school, getting called names and treated like an actual disease up until I moved to high school with mostly a whole new set of people over the fact someone spread rumors I was a lesbian, to feel anything but frustration over that. Yeah. I was Janis. I'll admit I can't be "objective" here. I never did any of the shit she does in Mean Girls in revenge, I never had the power or inclination, it wasn't a former friend who started it, but yeah I'm biased because that character was me. I know what it was like to be her because I lived it. And yeah, it kind of sucked!!! Did get better, but yeah. Was what it was.

It's a big part of why I've never liked the trope in popular culture that the loudest homophobic bullies are actually closet cases. It's not that "right wing politician caught soliciting blowjobs" has never been a headline but come on. Most of the people who trash queer people do it because they just hate us. Its trivializing of homophobic harassment to act like that's 1) a good explanation for most cases 2) much less an excuse and that's how it can be used. It'd be one thing if a self-hating person's mindset was like. Actually explored with depth and nuance as part of a story. But otherwise, nah. Miss my formerly lowkey traumatized teenage ass with that dismissive cliched shit.

So even the idea that the movie might be lending any kind of weight to that theory about Regina, however subtle or subtextual, that is??? Yeah funny lol, such iconic, very Representation. Fucking bite me. My lesbian ass is tuning right the fuck out. I'm not paying movie ticket prices to see this, if I'm gonna basically get the sort of person who would've made my life hell as a preteen and tween get turned into One Of Us with the expectation that's going to make me freak out with joy. Even if allegedly they did actually make Janis a lesbian (which, good for them if they did).

Of course, it could just be fans blowing something out of proportion but. Like y'all are not making me want to see this movie MORE and I was at best lukewarm on it having never seen the musical and being lowkey burnt out on the idea of yet another remake.

[cuppa-ale]

I really wish that I was more interested in things. More invested and curious w/o someone needing to show it to me directly. Right now, I feel like it's really difficult because no matter what I do, I feel empty and lonely and it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle.

I want to be enthusiastic and into things, but I feel like I'm going to be abandoned or shrugged off and I can't shake that lonely feeling that makes me feel sick. And yet I also know that I can't be part of anything or get other people interested if I'm not interested, but I feel so sick because of the loneliness that I don't even want to try for fear of hurting myself more, and it loops all around. I don't want to think this way. Sometimes I don't, but it always comes back.

I feel like I desperately want to ask for validation and attention, yet I feel dumb because of that- yet I would never begrudge anyone else for wanting the same. I actually wish that people were more upfront like that, because it's normal to want those things, and no one can know if you don't speak up. Sometimes people just don't know or are socially awkward, speaking from experience. And I'm often left wondering and guessing about what I can or can't do, so somebody being upfront would be so, so massively helpful.

And yet I also know why I try to keep most people at arms' length too- I feel so afraid that I can't trust them to not hurt or abandon me or someone else for liking a character or a ship or whatever that they don't. And that may sound dumb as hell (because it is) but that also makes it extremely hard to find community or camaraderie in fan or hobby circles in general. There is always, always a hint of doubt in my mind and I hate it. I don't want to go through that again. God, I don't want to go through that again.

And I worry that I don't have much to offer another person bc of how sincerely exhausted and hermited I am.

I feel overworked and overwhelmed in my daily life. Even if I could get past this anxiety, I barely have time for anything outside of manual labor, housekeeping, caretaking, and yet I still feel like a disappointment and that I could be doing more if my brain wasn't so fucked up.

I am so tired. And I feel like I really don't have an escape or outlet. I feel so mediocre and selfish because I want so badly for someone to hold me and pay attention to me and help me and remind me that I'm not a lost cause piece of trash. But I'm also very aware of the fact that nobody can fix me or make my problems go away. I feel like I'm not happy no matter what and that scares me.

I feel like it also doesn't even matter what I do or don't do because no one is paying attention. That's probably really stupid too, but that's the mindset I get sometimes. I don't like thinking that way either.

I don't want to do things for the sake of attention or validation because that's not the reason why I do them, and I never ever want that to be the reason why. And yet I know that's what I crave, and it always rears its ugly head.

I believe that this is part of why I like Crayzar and Tyetaynus so much- Tyetaynus has been implied to be obsessed with Crayzar for years, hunting him down and "making him pay" for leaving him- but meanwhile, Crayzar just seems to not give a shit about his brother, and I think there's so much angst and drama and shit you can pull from that it's nuts. And so I really really want to make art that explores that bc I find Tyetaynus to be a super cathartic character and I want to express that "grief of what never came to be", "all i wanted was you", "I'm going to make you hurt like you made me hurt", and anger and all of those emotions and I hope it comes through, but I may as well talk about it here bc it actually makes me feel sane.

So I try to redirect those feelings into art and characters and stories in general, because idk what else to do with them. But it worries me bc again, it makes it so, so difficult to just be chill and relax and feel like I can indulge or be curious about something bc I have this horrible, paranoid, looming feeling at all times that something is very wrong and that the something wrong is me and that everyone thinks it. (even if that's not the case. I fully believe that I suffer from paranoid delusions bc I've been affected by them so, so bad, only to find that it's unfounded or I'm just being dumb. I just want someone to tell me unequivocally at all times that everything is okay and I'm okay, and sometimes that's all I can think about.)

All I want to do is make stuff at the end of the day. The one thing I want to do above all else is make stuff, even if I have to find the time from being overworked and exhausted and sick. Even if I have to make myself sick while doing so, that is the very 1 one thing I want to do in this world before I leave it.

I want to work on the doll commission I started work on recently. I want to continue working on my OCs and preparations for my first original comic. I want to tell their stories. I want to draw weird and mushy and complicated ship art. I want to draw my brain wife. I want to draw silly self-inserts and whatever other trivial thing I can think of. I want to make gifts for my friends.

I want to keep going and I want to keep doing that no matter what. That's all I want to do. I have no choice. I want to make stuff and I want to share it and I want to keep doing that until I die, or until I no longer can.

[mymarifae]

hey it’s the writing anon from a while ago ^_^ read your thread on akito and kashika and i’d like to say THANK YOU for recognizing that kashika doesn’t have to be read so literally when looking at akito as a character 😭

it is genuinely a little jarring to see people go “oh he canonically wants to die hahaha” and leave it at that when he’s really been on a path of healthy growth for a while as of burn my soul … please!! he’s found a way out of the mindset of survival and desperation, he’s grown to love what he’s doing without so much of the fear of being left behind and his storied “future” is more within his grasp than ever, because he’s let his partners in and is more willing to lean on them, growing alongside them

i’m not saying we should disregard what he’s gone through in the past but i’ve also noticed it’s a bit of a trend within people interpreting akito to attribute his past actions to his current self— like i STILL see people bring his actions in main story and use that as their baseline for how he is as a character when it’s…. just not that true anymore. yes he’s kind of an asshole but he’s also learned that he has a place within vbs and that he loves his groupmates and they love him :(

anyway thank you :) your thread was a very good read!

omg hi again !!

yes it really seems like a good chunk of the prsk fandom struggles with like... acknowledging character development. i'm not entirely sure what it is, but it's insane to see how many people treat these characters like they're static figures. it's one thing to revisit past events and explore avenues colopale didn't take, and build upon the things they neglected (or just re-build entirely where they fucked up). it's another to look at everything akito is doing Now and respond to it with "he's about to overwork himself and go into another long spiral isn't he. oh look he got a line in beyond the way with the word 'die' in it he must still be suicidal and struggling with his inferiority complex oh no 😱" LIKE

akito has come so, so, SO far. his development means the world to me !!!! it has been so amazing to see this scared, self-conscious, bitter, traumatized kid grow into someone who is Confident and Passionate and Excited and Bright. he's grown!! he's learned!! we see him reaffirm multiple times in other events that he's not going to go down the same path he did in SBD - other characters will see him still practicing or about to go for a run or whatever and check in on him and he always tells them he knows better now. because he does! he's not just saying that !!!!

it took him some time to adjust, but he knows vivid bad squad has his back. kotaro has his back. ken-san has his back. ena has his back. hell even arata and tsukasa fucking tenma have his back. he knows he has a support system now ! these are people who want him by their side, and no they're not going to leave him when he stumbles and falls behind; they'll simply pull him back up and they'll just keep moving forward. Together.

and citing kashika as confirmation that he's (still) suicidal is crazy because that's not what the song is about? it's about him reflecting on his past and all the shitty things he went through that caused him to develop that bitter inferiority complex he struggled with for so long. and how he's starting to feel ready to move on from it all. even from haruryo's perspective, in which all the lines about wanting to die are literal, kashika is still a very, very, very positive song !! it's still about moving forward and allowing your love of music (or [insert personal Love of choice here]) to help you through dark times. it's not a song about wanting to kill yourself; it's a song about wanting to live.

idk this all is just super important to me because i am all about stories about growth and healing and recovery. and it's frustrating to glance at the prsk fandom and see people squandering these beautiful stories for... i don't even know what or why 😭

[bi-bard]

It's Been Almost a Year.

On September 15th, 2023, I put out a post stating that I was not going to be writing stories inspired by Taylor Swift's songs anymore. I offered a variety of reasons for this, but in the end, it was mostly about me wanting to severe whatever parasocial connection I had developed in the years prior.

It is now August of 2024. Many things have happened since then. One of the main things is that I have changed dramatically. I am much stronger when it comes to setting boundaries for myself. These have led to me having a much healthier connection with the media that I consume, mainly that of musicians, youtubers, and the like.

Through a series of discussions with a close friend of mine and much personal work on myself, I have come to a new decision. And due to my openness in the past regarding this situation, I felt a need to make an actual post about it.

Going forward, I am going to be opening myself back up to writing stories inspired by Taylor Swift songs.

This is not a guarantee of anything. I'm not promising a writing challenge or any particular stories or anything like that. I am just opening myself up to the opportunity again.

This is for me. There have been a lot of ideas that I've had to sideline over the last year, which sucks. Some of them have been really interesting, but I didn't explore them out of fear that I would slip back into the habits that were so unhealthy for me. I hope to be able to explore many of these ideas going forward.

If at any point I deem my behavior unhealthy or find myself slipping into negative habits, I will pull back again. This is going to be at my discretion. I will take whatever actions I deem necessary to maintain a healthy mindset.

I am going to set a firm boundary here. I have been fortunate enough to not deal with it much on this account, but I want to be clear that I have no interest in being involved in speculation or discussion of Taylor Swift's personal life in any capacity. Positive or negative.

Believe me, I wouldn't have anything interesting to say anyway.

Does this mean I will be silent if something troubling happens? No. When necessary, I will speak up and support the relevant voices in a given situation.

Thank you for reading through all of this.

Thank you for understanding where I am now and where I have been over the course of the last year.

To those who found me through my stories that had been inspired by Taylor Swift songs, I hope that you welcome me back.

To those who knew about them but didn't care, thank you for reading this and I promise that this will not be to the degree that it was before.

To those who had no idea that this was happening and are just very confused, I mean... hi, I guess. It has been a rollercoaster for me too, don't worry.

I'll see you all soon.

[corner-stories]

🍐 🍈 🍇

fruit emoji ask game for fic writers

🍐 Is there anything in canon that you absolutely hate and love to fix in fics? A wrong choice made, a fuck-up in characterization, a misunderstanding never cleared up, a conversation never shown onscreen, etc…

I wouldn't say I hate this but I would argue that it's criminally unexplored. I think a lot of things post-Rumbling were not explored as much as they deserved to be, like the state of Paradis Island, what Mikasa has been up to in the 3 years after the Battle of Heaven and Earth, as well as what exactly the Ambassadors have been up to during that time.

There's like... so much story to be told in here and it just gets glossed over. And hey, if we're not gonna get a sidestory/OVA about characters who aren't Levi, then I guess I gotta make it myself.

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics? Free pass to rant about blorbo opinions.

I'm a Jean Kirschtein girlie, have been from day one. A lot of my headcanons are about him pursuing art in his spare time. As a kid he began sketching with whatever he could find, usually pencils or charcoal, then as he gets older he comes across new supplies like coloured pencils and watercolour paint. I just think it's very human of him to pursue something small that makes him happy, despite all the chaos going around him.

Like damn, he seems to be the only Scout who has a hobby and that's how he barely kept it together over the years.

My end game for him really is him living at some seaside cottage where he spends the rest of his days painting. He deserves it.

There's also my Commander Kirschtein AU, which is exactly what it sounds like. Jean is the Commander of the Scouts because that's what us SNK fandom geezers believed would happen in the future. I just... I just really like the idea of Jean being in Command despite how it actually went down in canon.

🍇 Is there a particular scene/episode/book/etc that you want to just write a million fics about, over and over? Which one?

I'm not sure if this counts as a "scene" but as a Jeankasa truther, I've noticed that a lot of fics (as of recently) either take place post-Rumbling or during the timeskip between 850-854. It's essentially a genre of its own and I find myself eating that shit up. So I guess it's more of a in-universe time period that I wanna write a million fics about.

Also I just need to mention that a lot of the fics where Mikasa and Jean hook up during the first time skips are sad. Like... I'll be reading the most delectable citrus I've seen in a while but it will also feel sad. We love angst in the Jeankasa community, I guess.

I've written some post-Rumbling Jeankasa where they're just living a quiet cottagecore life, but I should write more. Something I'd actually love to write more about is specifically how they got together. And along the way, Mikasa slowly processes her trauma, maybe picks up a hobby that makes her happy, and learns to love again.

One of my ideas for them is Jean living that quiet seaside cottagecore life I mentioned and Mikasa finding that he's been on Paradis for years and didn't tell her. The reason why is that he wants her to be safe and him being considered a traitor to the island would jeopardize that, so in that he feels like he has to distance himself for her so she can live a peaceful life. And as one can imagine, Mikasa has a lot of conflicting thoughts on that mindset.

[faneposting-my-beloved]

Fane romance scene

Okay, fellas, I FEEL LIKE PLUNGING INTO THE DEEP OCEAN SO LET'S GET IT. Now, I could be talking about how detached the whole thing feels in your overall relationship with Fane, how the man mentions things that never happened (story-wise) but I woke up without choosing violence today. I'd like to talk about Fane himself since I feel that some things just slide from attention and never get addressed.

How Fane sees himself. The memory dive is the only way Fane could show you himself as he used to be before his body was BRUTALLY* taken away from him. Make no mistake, even if Fane addresses his current state with humor:

[After all, I am an energetic, fresh-faced skeleton, teaming up with the Lady-turned-Goddess Amadia.] [Yes, yes. I may not have ears, but I was listening.]

In his retrospective [origin] lines he actively mourns the loss. He even lets his grief slip when he finds his mask back.

[Ah, my false faces. Not as fair as my true visage, but better than being seen as a monster. ] *[FANE] Quietly tell him that you are simply someone who knows the pain of confinement. [FANE] The memory of your skin blushes deeply. You haven't really got much experience in, erm… [FANE] Tell them your long-rotten heart goes out to them. No-one should be locked away for doing the right thing.

And when he finally lets you see himself - how he was before the tomb that took everything away from him - he's reserved. Maybe even scared of [romanced Godwoken's] opinion on his true visage, because of how alien to everything they know he is.

Perhaps you would prefer something else? I could find a mask if you would feel more comfortable looking at one of your own kind…

Now, the thing that sparked this whole train of thought;

His body seems to move and change to your pleasure, but all you can see are his eyes - a kaleidoscope of darkness and light, like the universe staring up at you.

Why can't you see him? (Besides the obvious answer: lazy writing) Was my question during half of this ordeal. Well, the narrator already hints that something is much out of the ordinary.

His heart races where your hands press down on his chest, and you can feel him growing - not just where you'd expect, but everywhere.

So, could it be that the projection of the cosmos is just him hiding himself from his romanced companion in fear that he is too different after all? You can ensure him you're fine with him as he is two (three?) times during the scene;

Reach out and touch his face. He looks incredible…

Let your hands explore his body. >>Here he's (appears to be, at least) tickled by your boldness!<<

Your hand moves across the muscles of his chest - a familiar yet alien feeling as you uncover a body unlike any you have had before. Your touch glides across his hip, around his waist, and slowly moves down with a squeeze as he grins. [Were you expecting a tail? I'm sure I could find a mask if you would prefer something a little more reptilian…] >>Although he slips with this into the 'am I not good/normal enough?' mindset.<<

Tell Fane you're more than happy with him as he is.

But no matter how many times you do assure him that you're fine (or happy!) with his strangeness - you're still left with the cosmos-coated vagueness. I know it adds mystery or the fact that they didn't have to write two versions of romance as with everyone else - but comparing it to the 'explicitness' of the rest you end up with MORE QUESTIONS THAN YOU STARTED WITH. And IF they were going for something more ethereal and less sexual, then why cut the dialogue with him so soon? I'd much rather have a heart-to-heart talk&cuddle session than...you know whatever in the love of eldritch is going on here. And if you're going for eldritch and alien - just go all out just like with the rest of the origins. Especially because he had laid his doubts/fears bare it all felt so bittersweet in a nothing-you-say-matters kind of way. Which is generally a thing with dos2 but anyway. I know some people say his romance scene feels weird or out of place - but I believe this is because of the fundamental misunderstanding of his character and his context. The tomb he was shut in wasn't some kind of skeleton transformer that spit him out unscathed with a little less flesh to boot. He himself calls it torture, unjustified and overdrawn. For a race that is immortal and based on Source, being sentenced to an eternity of rotting and loneliness is the highest punishment imaginable. Death would be an easy way out in this case. And he decides to show you how he was before the violence that has been done to him. That he actively misses. I just wish we could get a bit more on the context of Eternals in general, because of how little is told about Fane's past and his race. But, you know, that's loremaster quirk. The thing to take away from this is that Fane is *scared* of being judged, seen as weird, strange or eerie as of his romance scene - and for a character that usually is described as uncaring or aloof this is a grand breakthrough.

[chikaras-garden]

https://www.tumblr.com/chikaras-garden/737469327338536960/how-do-you-go-about-writing-your-wips?source=share

yeah, like your long fics. Thank you btw!

Thanks for waiting for me to get around to this one 🖤

There are a few points I want to make before I get into it:

I find that a lot of writing advice online simply does not apply to the way I write. The reason I say this is that what I’m about to get into might not apply to you, and that’s okay—don’t force yourself to write my way.

Especially on Tumblr, a lot of writers get wrapped up in posting schedules or writing fast. Don’t. It’s one thing to say “I’m going to challenge myself to write 1,000 words this weekend” but it’s something else to say “if I don’t post every Saturday I’ll lose followers.” Work on maintaining a mindset that your longfic is for you, and you’re simply sharing it with others because you love it so much—your mental health will thank you.

In a similar vein as the above, a longfic is a massive time commitment, and I encourage you to be patient and gentle with yourself. It’s a marathon, not a sprint; the fastest I’ve ever written one was 50,000 words in six months, and that was from plotting to final edits.

Now for actual writing advice.

I follow the three-act story structure model religiously. Every story has a beginning (act 1), a middle (act 2), and an end (act 3). Each act also has a beginning, a middle, and an end. I’m not much of a sports person, but I find it helpful to make a baseball analogy here: the beginning is the wind up (setup), the middle is the pitch and the act of the ball sailing through the air (tension), and the end is the hit (payoff). The hit is the direct result of the wind up, and you should be able to visualize the arc the ball traveled from the pitcher’s hand to the bat. This analogy is useful to imagine as a way to make sure your story makes sense from beginning to end.

So how do I plot that? My story ideas usually come to me by imagining my two protagonists (because, hi, I’m a romance writer). What do they want? Why are they the way that they are? Why, at the beginning of the story, are their desires and backgrounds in conflict? How do they need to change during the story to achieve what they want and end up together? Every story needs character development—and this can be subtle—to drive the plot.

Once I have characters whose personalities, desires, and backgrounds I feel confident about, I’m able to start imagining individual scenes. Usually, I come up with something tense first. It could be smut, a kiss, a confession, a realization, an argument—anything goes, really. Naturally, this initial scene ends up being toward the end of act 1 or act 2. So I have my scene, I write it down, and I start to figure out what happened to get them to that scene (“what is this the consequence of?”) and what happens after that scene (“what are the consequences of this?”). As I ask these questions, I write down one-line summaries of my answers in a Google doc. These become major story beats, and writing them down creates your outline.

Now, I feel confident enough to break my story beats into chapters. I start making more Google docs, name them chapter 1, chapter 2, etc. and copy/paste story beats into each. As you start writing your story beats into scenes, you’ll realize that you need to add additional scenes—character development, backstory, worldbuilding, a subplot, interactions with side characters, some nice relationship moments—to deepen your main plot and explore your two characters. Continue to build around your story beats until you feel like you have a complete chapter.

You can probably tell by now that I write out of order. Not all writers do this (in fact, I think a majority writes chronologically instead), but because I spend so much time outlining early on, I’m able to jump around to whatever inspires me—and even cut and paste scenes from one chapter to another. I organize my longfics in a folder with the outline, each chapter separated, a research doc with links and notes, and a doc called snips. If I cut anything, it always goes in snips because I usually end up reusing deleted scenes in a different chapter or even in a different story.

All that said, my outlines are really fluid. For this ask, I looked back at the original outline for the longfic I’ve been writing, and I found that I reorganized it multiple times and re-plotted the entire third act twice. So my advice here is to not feel chained to your outline even though I’m telling you that it’s important to think through how your story progresses; sometimes your characters and the scenes you write will point you in a different direction. Follow the natural progression of your story instead of chaining yourself to an outline that can be rewritten. Listen to your creative instinct.

Kill your darlings. Seriously. Once you’re in the editing phase, cut mercilessly if you think something slows the pace of your story or takes away from the point you’re trying to make. Put it in your snips doc and save it for later—you could even post the outtakes as bonus material if you want to.

As a last note, I really like the writing advice Abbie Emmons has on her YouTube channel. The way she presents the three-act story structure is digestible and relatable, and her advice is the basis of mine.

[teiasviago]

Can I pick your brain about the cancer arc?

I think GA got nominated because it was a stand-out in her show-- Hollywood/movie fill-in-the-blank always nominate the different, the zany, or the mainstream out-of-the-box. If Scully had a long-term illness that she struggled on and off with, the show wouldn't have been nominated because it was just part of her character's struggle. The award was given to GA's performance, not to the cancer arc story line, if that makes sense.

Here's where I might sound like a curmudgeon, but I truly mean nothing negative by it: I don't see the point of tying my own struggles to a tv show that was filmed in a time where Scully's cancer arc was seen as revolutionary and moving to the tv population then. Was it filled with problems? Absolutely-- the whole show is. But the audience for the show were vastly satisfied with it: if there had been immense pushback, then the audiences at the time would have decreed it lazy and not worth the award and the ruffled feathers over that nomination would have been just as infamous as her award. Instead, they applauded it and were happy for her and the show.

And here's a personal anecdote: there are some of my own struggles that the show only touches incidentally, never delving too deep because it had places to go and characters to be. I don't think it's an oversight or a missed opportunity; and I have relatives who have chronic health problems that viewed Scully's journey as too raw to watch without feeling like their issues had been misrepresented.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, and faaaaaar be it from me to police them. My only concern is that there is only so much a show of that focus could touch on; and GA being awarded for bringing dignity to a terminal illness was (and is) loved and lauded because of what she did then, not for anything that COULD have been done. I'm not trying to talk down about this, honestly; I just see it as a letdown to focus on what the show didn't show as opposed to what it did: there are sooooooooooo many arcs that were never touched on, timeline threads that didn't make sense, and character moments that the actors didn't like but did anyway (and were out-of-character likewise.)

In conclusion? ...I don't really have a conclusion. XDDDD But, to me, there's no way a show can show everything and still be the MOTW-Scooby-Doo-mytharc show that it WAS (whether I like the focus sometimes or not.) As much as I think it would have been what the show needed to focus on Scully's residual effects, her mindset post cancer, that isn't what happened; but what I DO criticize it for is dropping off the cliff with Scully's concerns/fears/anxieties over the chip in her neck, because it continued to be highly plot relevant before it vanished from the plotline. ...WHY? The world may never know. ;)))

I honestly wouldn't have an issue with the cancer arc if I trusted that the writers were doing it to talk about having cancer with dignity and earnestly explore the fact that Scully is a woman whose bodily autonomy was stolen from her multiple times over but I simply don't. I think Gillian's performance in the cancer arc, and "Memento Mori" specifically, was award-worthy for sure. I like the episodes that bring up her cancer a lot, no notes. And if it's too raw and personal for some people to watch, well, YMMV.

I understand that The X-Files was revolutionary. But I don't believe in giving things a pass because they were lauded and revolutionary for the time. It's not like I'm calling for something or someone to be canceled for being offensive or whatever, I'm saying that I well and truly believe that had the writers been more dedicated, more could've been plucked out of the cancer arc. And that could be done without taking away from the show's usual formatting.

I know you don't mean to be offensive but I wasn't tying my illness to the show, I was referencing it. And that might sound like no difference but when I watch the cancer arc I don't think about it in terms of accuracy (or in terms of my illness) but rather impact. And, I don't know, the cancer arc simply didn't feel impactful, like many plot events of the show. I know that me being negative so much can be a downer but I promise that once I'm home in a couple weeks I'll be able to join my dad in his rewatch of the show and have a lot more positive things to think about in depth, haha.

But in the end, it feels like it didn't really mean anything after all. I mean, is it ever even referenced again after "Detour"? She nearly died of cancer directly tied to the plot of the show and it's never mentioned again aside from like maybe once or twice tangentially in the revival. No impact, no commitment. It's not that I don't care that the cancer arc was a standout, an outlier in terms of the industry at the time and of the show. I do care, and I care very much, but I will never, ever decide that something doesn't deserve criticism because things were different back then.

It's especially frustrating because the show constantly brings up PTSD (particularly with Mulder's PTSD from Sam's abduction), but not overwhelmingly so, so the writers absolutely can and did have commitments, just not to most of the pain they lobbed at Mulder and Scully. Like you said:

[T]here are sooooooooooo many arcs that were never touched on, timeline threads that didn't make sense, and character moments that the actors didn't like but did anyway (and were out-of-character likewise).

For you, those are things you prefer to stay away from, and I'm happy that you know your preferences. But I much prefer, especially as someone going into the film & TV industry, to deconstruct what I think were failings in shows that I like so as to better understand what I think makes a good TV show. Don't lob pain at your characters just because it makes your actors Hollywood's darlings; don't drop a plotpoint like a hot potato once it's been immediately resolved, most things have longlasting impacts; etc etc. I find it fruitful to discuss and breakdown my dislikes. I find it satisfying.

And with the award, it's a lot like my beef with "Never Again," haha. I see it's greatness, but I also see how spectacular it could've been, and that just kinda sours it for me.

Also, I meant that "Kaddish," "Unrequited," "Tempus Fugit," "Max," "Synchrony," "Small Potatoes," "Zero Sum," and "Demons" are all episodes in the cancer arc but you could switch them out with episodes before the cancer arc and it wouldn't matter because it had no effect on them. No definite but small behavioral changes, no underlying tension between Mulder and Scully, nada. And it's like, well... Is that because they're in sync, because Mulder has accepted that he's not to get all touchy-feely with her? Or is it just that the writers were more focused on keeping the same old pattern with not only the tiniest of ripples to it going?

Anyways, I do like the cancer arc, I just think "arc" is a misnomer. Cancer episodes. On a positive note: the way Scully's writing in her journal to Mulder in "Memento Mori." 😭😭 I love that part so much. Plus the way they're constantly touching each other and so gentle in "Redux II." 🥺🥺🥺

[yellowocaballero]

#Thank you for articulating the thoughts I've had brewing post-anime and post-second read through of the manhwa.#It's like SL doesn't want to look at Trauma outside of Lee Joohee in the beginning.#After that everyone else who experience traumatic events#(Jinho almost killed by other hunters - Jinah almost killed by orcs - Cha Hae-In almost dying on Jeju - Jinho again#- everything Jin-Woo's dad went through ffs) and Jin-Woo very much included is expected to move past it and grow from it.#The story does not want to spend time processing that trauma very much.#and see their fighting as a sort of dialogue discussing those themes that come up.#The theme of Solo Leveling seems to be Growth Through Self Reliance and to that end it is foregoing a lot of interesting explorations#into what would that mean for a Person to become totally self reliant to defend and isolate themself from the world in that way.#Damn if this story had actually tried to go into how all he does is in some way a trauma response that would have been so interesting#The line about ��Were this any other story..” and while I agree with that whole point#I've read so many other similar hunter-dungeon that go the exact same way as SL#making it only about the powerfantasy of Becoming the Best#while also usually doing it slightly worse than SL. At least SL manages to mostly keep your interest throughout#and has a likeable supporting cast even tho they're never used by the narrative or interacted with by Jin-Woo in very meaningful ways.#But yes if this were a better story a different story that wanted to focus on looking at the person Jin-Woo becomes#and not just how powerful he gets then we could have had so much more.#If anyone wants a story like Solo Leveling but where the MC /does/ surround themselves with people they trust#and cooperate with them in a meaningful way to save the world or whatever - then big reccomend to “The S-classes that I raised”#or “My S-class hunters” on Webtoon.#MC is an F class whos power is nurturing others and is given a mission to nurture 50 S-class heroes or the world won't survive.#And he uses his stupidly brave older-brother ego to boss around all these stupidly strong S classes who could kill him in seconds#(including his younger brother who has some serious bro-con complexes about protecting his brother)#It's so fun seeing this hamster of a man ordering these lone wolves around and making them cooperate.#And he has some 'lone wolf/I must protect my family&friends at the cost of my own well being' behavior.#But at least this one is either trying or pretending to do some of what you're describing here.

Great tags by @star-stine. I feel like TSCIR and a lot of other good dungeon manwha are a reaction to SL and what it does. I would also love to recommend a dungeon manwha with a female protagonist, The Housekeeper In The Dungeon, which also does a ton of work in deconstructing this mindset and showing what kind of severe damage it does to young men.

Trauma in Solo leveling

Always haunted by what could have been of Solo Leveling if the narrative acknowledged the inherent trauma vision that guides most of Jin-Woo's actions through the series instead of glorifying him for that.

Like, it is pretty clear to me from the start that a lot of his obsession with self reliance and his increasingly cynical views of the world ("The weak are destined to be betrayed") are a direct response to the double dungeon incident, and in more ways than we initially realize.

I think it's particularly obvious in the way he is paralled with Lee Joohee; while they're both shown to be traumatized from their encounter, Joohee is supposedly 'worse off' than him. She has noticeable flashbacks to that episode and withdraws from life and work in an attempt to avoid possible triggers - becoming paralysed when she fails to do so. And because, while also afraid, Jin-Woo is instead making a point to return to dungeons we are very clearly meant to think that he is moving on when she is not. ...Except that he isn't.

Because, you see, along with withdrawing, the reenactment of a traumatic event is also a very common response to trauma. And so is the risky behaviour that might come with it. And what does Jin-Woo does as soon as he's able to leave the hospital again? Immediately throw himself into dungeons, alone, with a clear disregard for personal safety and an extreme need to both prove himself and give meaning to his near death experience before.

Not only does he goes right back into the very same place his trauma took place, but he seems to subconsciously be trying to recreate said event in a way that gives him control of the situation. This time, he wasn't abandoned to die alone in a dungeon: he did it himself, willingly. He placed himself in that position. And later on, when he risks himself with shady parties he expects to betray him, he seems almost content; once again putting himself in risk by creating a scenario where he is 'abandoned' and 'betrayed' but where he can come off on top. He is desperate to both have his belief confirmed that someone perceived as a weak hunter like he is will always be betrayed, always be left behind, and to fight that supposed fate. To prove that he has 'fixed' this aspect of himself and will thus not fall victim to that consequences of that abandoment again. In fact, he is so detatched from the current scene that he deliberately ignores the fact Yoo Jinho challenges those believes by protecting Jin-Woo, whom he believes to be an E rank at that point.

And were this any other story, all his development from then on would prove the faults of this mindset. The dangers of self reliance, of cutting yourself off from any support network, from depriving himself of any sort of meaningful trust or vulnerability with others. But instead, we're meant to respect the fact he is increasingly isolated from everyone else. That he becomes cold, emotionally withdrawn and paranoid (his refusal to join any of the existing guilds always felt to me like his need for control taken to extreme, plus the fact he could not deal with how exposed he felt working with others again). And I think that's really sad.

It would have been really interesting to have a story that is willing to challenge the notion that he is better off alone, and that trust in others is ultimately unecessary. And that would acknowledged the strength necessary to allow himself to trust and be vulnerable after everything - and the importance of surrounding himself with people he loves and knows will protect him too. Sad 😔

[lynxmuse]

Mindfulness Moment

There was a term Sifu often used when teaching us:  “Big A.”  As in a large, capital, letter A, the first type of letter we learn when we learn how to print in school.*  We start with block letters, ALL CAPS, evenly spaced, across the page.  Then we move onto learning small letters, perhaps on pages with multiple lines to show the baseline, the height of the cap, the height of the small, the depth below the baseline for your gs and qs… And then we learn about kerning… and about variations in the letters… and THEN we move onto a whole other thing and get into cursive and kind of repeat the process… and THEN we get into calligraphy and making our writing our own… and we create shorthand and… and and and so on.

The idea that Sifu was getting at when he deployed the phrase Big A wasn’t, however, simply that Kung Fu is a progression.  I mean, Kung Fu most certainly is a progression, but what Sifu was highlighting was that when we start learning something we need to start, and are taught, at a very big, blocky, and fundamental level.  And we practice that.  And then we can build off that.  And what comes next, what we’re taught next, and what we discover next, it doesn’t lose the Big A, it doesn’t discard the Big A, nor does it change the Big A.  It transforms the Big A, whether by gaining depth or nuance, or by combining several Big As together, or by applying it in more elegant ways, or whatever.**

So if Sifu gave us some instruction or insight or new concept to explore, if we would “counter”*** with “but I thought…” he could quickly explain that our “but” was simply a Big A.  It was indeed what we had been taught and practiced and internalized… and it was not being negated, simply now here’s something else to add in, to practice with, to incorporate, to integrate.

Which we would do, and our skill and delight would grow.

To which**** so too is it in our life.  Or with any art, for that mater.  We may learn something – whether specifically taught to us or learned through osmosis or learned by ‘accident’ by trial and response – and we may go on applying it everywhere, whether that be a concept or a mindset or a behaviour or a grand philosophical question/idea.  But that might only have been a Big A, and by staying there we may be not only missing out on grander results, but also of greater ease and grace and of grander experiences of living.

With humility and mindfulness we can recognize and operate from that there’s always more of both depth and breadth to discover, to get, and to grok.  And out of that and in gaining what’s next there’s so much wonder we get to marvel in.

* I mean, at least that we used to learn to print/write in school… not sure to which this applies in the new world of tablets and keyboards and all that!

** This dovetails nicely with that great Niels Bohr quote about truths.

*** I don’t mean that we argued against it per se, more like the natural reaction that’s a combination of “wait, I thought it was like this?” confusion along with of a bit of a defensive “oh crud, I thought I was doing it right?” also coupled with curiosity of “ohhh, wait, it isn’t entirely this?”

****  And I know you all knew this was coming – all my Mindfulness Moment Kung Fu stories end this way!

[thesevenofbirds]

You know... Here's the thing about the ethersea storytelling (spoilers).

TL;DR i like the good, flawed characters because i do think it makes for interesting storytelling. But Griffin keeps trying to add interesting nuance to challenge the characters' hard-headed good/evil mindsets, and it gets overlooked because the players are in-character too often.

So. I do think the characters are very interesting and good even though they're all, imo, dislike-able in many ways...

Amber is unabashedly hard-headed and unforgiving. She cares about people yeah, but she's so opinionated and refuses to hear people out. She's so conflict-averse that she's constantly walking away from things and refusing to hear other people's perspectives. I feel like the interactions with Shrett were a great example of this. Like, i understand that Amber had known someone who went off the deep end with drugs, but the whole ordeal was so no-nuance for her in a way that showed she's really just stubborn about her perspective and never changing her mind. Likewise i think this shows with the blink sharks when she's just happy to be rid of 3 more.

Then we have Devo. He's just as hard-headed as Amber but instead of being avoidant and running away, he fights and causes conflict in the hopes of everything landing on what he wants. (Side note this felt so real to me when he said, going up the tower, "i feel no better with you guys than when i was with the church." I know the feeling of wanting so badly to act differently with people but falling into old habits beyond your control and acting in ways you don't want to act. Irl, one solution is literally to just remove yourself from the situation like Devo is trying but unable to do.. cuz it's DnD and they can't just split.) But anyway so, he cares, but he acts really shitty and mean and manipulative towards people around him in a lot of scenarios, as his instinctual reaction.

Then, Zoox. I don't see people talking about him as much but imo he's part of the conflict. He's an airhead in a way i can also relate to a bit... But that causes problems. Rather than spending the time to find solutions he defaults to threats & "easy ways out." He doesn't threaten in an angry way - rather, in a way that feels like "this is easier than trying to talk through shit and come up with collaborative solutions :) I'm tired" lol. But this really comes to a head for me with the blink sharks. Why doesn't he tell anyone the things he heard from them? Why doesn't he ever even shout during the fight anything, like, "wait maybe we can figure out what's going on, i had a conversation with these guys!" or anything like that? Seemingly because he's spacey, he allows a race of intelligent beings that asked him for help- to be extincted by himself and his friends.

All of these character choices are interesting! And i think the interactions/fights between the PCs are a cool way of exploring their personalities and stories. I'm not ragging on the Mcelroys for making flawed PCs, because i literally think these are character choices, and the characters they've made are really complex and interesting.

My only frustration is... Griffin keeps introducing interesting nuance! Like Shrett, and Guidance, and the Alpha Shark, and even Toliver. These characters are ALSO fleshed out & flawed in interesting ways, but they offer counterpoints to the PCs. BUT! The players always feel so in character that the points of nuance seldom get satisfyingly addressed.

I'm reminded of Clint's "knowing chuckle" where he had to be pressed to say what he was thinking. I'm listening to a DnD podcast! I'm interested in the thoughts & theories of the people playing the game! I'm interested by candid moments where maybe the player would go "oh damn, i think/feel this way about this plot point, but i know my character wouldn't do this." Or "ooh i know more of this story than my character does and <commentary>" or whatever. I love the roleplay and it's very interesting... But i also get a bit frustrated by the dropped threads that seem to be dropped only because Griffin was the only one trying to add that interesting nuance.

Once again i do still think it's a great series. But i feel like this character seriousness leaves something to be desired.

[intramoon]

How are you doing Aj? Do you have any tips for new writers, or people who are interested in making a simblr or story like myself? ♡

I can try my best to give you advice from back when my story was in its prime! This is more story advice, if you are looking for more Simblr advice let me know but I could do a whole podcast that ;-;

Don't wait, just post unapologetically. I think one of the biggest cruces to people not telling their sims stories is the illusion it needs to be finished or perfected for you to be able to post it. That mindset will keep you from posting, you'll always find a reason why your story is not "finished" or "perfect" but your story is art, and art is mostly "unfinished". My advice to you is to understand your characters, their environment, and their antagonist(s), know the beginning of your story and just start posting. Some storytelling requires experience, an experience you'll only get from doing. Once you start posting you'll learn so much about yourself and your story, and that knowledge will help your story tell better as you progress.

Sometimes it'll feel like no one is reading your story or that no one cares about your story but keep going! Story content is just one of those things, it can be hard to find readers who are very interactive because of the nature of the stories. You have to keep up with them, have a foundational knowledge of the story, etc. My advice to you is to do these two things, find enjoyment in creating the content that is independent of you posting it. Have fun seeing your characters posed, editing them, decorating lots/creating their world, if you can do that it will make storytelling not only more enjoyable but easier because it's giving you something just from the process and that’s something Tumblr cannot. Secondly, this is more as you get into posting, know that just because you do not see people interacting with your story that does not mean no one is reading it or cares. There are so many people who read but never like, reblog, comment or ask but they are there so do not dismiss them!

You don't have to adhere to any particular kind of planning style, just use what works for you! Notion and Milanote are popular options, but they've never worked for me. I like to write things down, sometimes doddle scenes. With where I am now I know my whole story off the top of my head so I don't write out my plans all that often. I would lead with whatever kind of learner you are but if you don't like to write things down/type things out, do not feel you have to plan a certain amount/way to start storytelling.

Research is not all you need to tell a compelling story. I used to think being knowledgable = qualified, but it does not. In addition to knowing what you're writing about well, you need to know how to use that knowledge in tangent with character development, plot devices, literary devices, and just general writing/storytelling knowledge. It's a long game. If you are tackling trauma, it is not about the immediate event and the immediate aftermath, it's the long-term effects it's how those effects affect others and how those people respond. It's about how did we get here. It's the journey. It is usually not linear. It can definitely be done, just be thoughtful and sensational. 

More practical tips!

Look into cinematography to help you with taking screenshots and editing your photos. Use the media you like (or want to emulate) as a reference. Even graphic novels can be helpful! If you are a visual person, Pinterest is a great place to find show/movie screencaps to use as a reference. I recommend branching out and away from the media in your native country and seeing how film varies in different regions.

Similarly really explore editing, I know I edit pretty heavy compared to most and I am not saying you should do the same but know how to change the color of a photo to create other moods, a little photo manipulation if you want to add something to a scene, just a handful of things you may want to use for specific scenes. You can really elevate your posts if you can set the mood right.

[kusuodotpng]

As a kubokai writer I want to weight in! I agree with a lot of what’s being said here, especially with the fetishization of Kaidou. It’s always “he’s small and weak and need to be saved” but to a big degree, Kaidou is more than that. His bravely stems from his cowardice—wanting to be something bigger and better than he is. And even though he’s scared shitless, he’ll still put himself in danger to protect others. (The snake, saving Yumehara from the wild boar, sticking up for her at the beach, etc.)

I think a big reason authors struggle writing Kaidou and these moments is because of inexperience or just being young. I think part of it is projection, part of its fan fic/shipping culture, and part of it is just not knowing how to write LGBT+ relationships. It’s that need to have a “feminine and masculine presenting” duo instead of “here is a romance between these two characters. It’s heteronormativity at its finest.

I also think Kaidou is just fetishized in general. He’s short. He’s “cute,” so to speak. A lot of people head canon him as trans which opens a whole other can of worms into fetishization. I’ve seen people say that “Kaidou is obviously a trans man because he’s weak and frail and short.” Like?? Brooooo. You can head canon Kaidou as trans all day; I do not give a flying flop, but those should absolutely NOT be your reasons. But I think a lot of that mindset and mentality bleeds into into the uwu-ification of his character.

All that being said, I think Kaidou is anything far from normal. None of the characters are quote-on-quote normal in my opinion.

Trauma was mentioned and I’d like to give my two cents on that. Now, do I play into the narrative that Kaidou is traumatized? No. Because at the end of the day, I feel his mom just wants him to have good grades. I don’t think she’s abusive or anything like that. But, can I understand and see how other people might think so? Absolutely. Academic trauma or pressure or whatever you want to call it. His mom expects a lot of him, and much how a lot of Kubosai writers says Saiki’s parents are abusive (even tho I personally don’t view them like that) I can understand it and I can also understand an author wanting to write Kaidou’s mom as more of an asshole for the sake of their story.

Another example of complexity you can add to Kaidou’s character is friendships and feeling alone. I’m thinking about that upperclassman who he befriended his freshman year. He struggled making friends, and to a degree, is still an outcast. One of the ways I love writing kubokai is that Kuboyasu gave Kaidou his first real friendship.

Character depth can be added however you want it. It’s all up for interpretation. Is it the same as saving the world or being an ex gang leader? No. But I don’t think that diminishes any of his struggles. As mentioned, it’s all about ✨perspective✨

Kubokai, to me, is a feel good ship. I love the friends to lovers trope and I love exploring those “first crush feelings” and falling in love. I love writing them both with these big, dorky crushes on each other. I love writing them realizing their feelings are reciprocated. I love writing them getting together.

Kubokai is a great ship and there are some very talented authors who write them in a way that feels authentic and non-fetishy.

Anyway this is the end of my ramblings. I absolutely love the discussion going on here and I hope y’all find some Kubokai fics you enjoy because this ship has been my muse for 2.5 years strong haha.

ive come to realise that i dont actually hate kubokai, i just hate the way people write them