#like as if a punk band started with any expectations beyond 'okay what have you got? you got three chords! all right.' lol)

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

Oh my god, I finally understand why everyone raves about London Calling by The Clash. Holy fucking shit is that an amazing album!

I already knew and loved "London Calling" and "Train in Vain", but hearing the album in full is like nothing I was expecting. Holy shit. I especially loved "Rudie Can't Fail", "Lost in the Supermarket", "Clampdown", "The Guns of Brixton", and "The Card Cheat" (for this last one I have to say: it doesn't matter if they're a punk band - I will always love piano in a rock song. ALWAYS. ...well, at least, given that it's played well).

[born-to-lose]

Since @gia-is-a-punk-rocker asked me to elaborate, here's the little essay

So I properly got into all of them in 2020 which resulted in them getting me through some of my worst phases and ending up as comfort music to me. I'm also planning to get tattoos referencing them, even if the only one with a somewhat clear vision is a "You can't put your arms around a memory" tattoo

Johnny Thunders

I got into him at the height of my Guns N' Roses phase after reading Duff McKagan's book in which he talked about how he admired Johnny Thunders, so I checked him out and immediately held the So Alone album close to my heart (which I finally own on vinyl after 4 years of searching). I've been collecting his records since and as someone who was just starting to learn to play the guitar, his quote saying that rock n roll isn't about being the best musician but about the attitude gave me hope that maybe I didn't have to play like Eddie Van Halen. I'm sure you can name technically better musicians than Johnny, but he was basically what you would expect from a rocker. I like the rawness of his music, from the New York Dolls days over the Heartbreakers to his solo career. As somewhat of a pessimist myself, Born to Lose is a song I really identified with and You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory is a sort of melancholic song I always listen to when I'm sad because it embraces giving in while lifting me up at the same time

Tom Petty

As mentioned below, I got into his music through his duet with Stevie Nicks. Of course I had heard some of the classics before, but since I checked out his lesser known songs, I'm convinced this man has a song for every emotion and almost every situation. He's probably my favorite songwriter ever and I often draw inspiration from his writing when it comes to my own songwriting. Also, I really like his voice and how the songs he wrote suited it depending on how it sounded at that time (early yelping voice vs later smoother voice). I love that his stuff gets a lot of airplay on MTV now and I get excited when I recognize a video within seconds. I really want to collect his records, but my local record store doesn't really have any of it, though I did get my hands on a promo single of Listen To Her Heart

Stevie Nicks

I grew up with Fleetwood Mac and Stevie was always my favorite. A few years ago, I got into her solo music, starting with Edge Of Seventeen and Stop Draggin' My Heart Around, which led to listening to Tom Petty. I admire her for how she's still doing her thing and how she built up this career to the point everyone has heard her in an industry that's always been and still is dominated by men. Plus, how she hasn't attacked Lindsey Buckingham yet is beyond my comprehension. I love her voice, her songwriting that makes me feel like things will be Okay™️, her style and throughout college I constantly switched between band shirt and leather wearing rocker and dressing like Stevie Nicks. I've been collecting her records and my "weird obsession with her" made me casually come out as bi to the record store owner I'm buddies with lol

Johnny Thunders, Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks are my personal holy trinity

[kissbentennyson]

I have no idea if you'd do this but I need a nega ben x reader. He's my favorite out of the alternates. A softer one shot would be nice but whatever you're feeling is good too! I'll take any content I can get!

*Emo Boy by Ayesha Erotica begins to play* Yeah me too.

Nega Ben x Reader | reader uses they/them pronouns, but dresses femininely.

Spill

He’d been waiting all day, and I mean, all day. Classes always seemed to drag on and on longer when he wanted something, and sure, he could have skipped. But that would have taken too much effort not to get caught. He isn’t afraid of the cops or the school administration… But dealing with his parents? Yeah, no. Not worth it. He’d b-lined it across Bellwood, all the way to the “café” he frequented. Truthfully, it wasn't much of a café seeing as how they specialize in more smoothie like drinks, but whatever. It has been rather crowded, too crowded, and everyone just wanted to get in then out.

He should have expected to bump or get bumped into someone, but it didn’t dawn on him until his espresso smoothie was all over your bright pink, fuzzy sweater. Both of you stood there with slack jaws and wide eyes as the brown liquid dripped from your chest and down onto an equally as pink lolita-esque skirt. It looked expensive, not in a daddy's money way, in a “I saved up to buy this” way. And so, he was prepared for hell.

“Oh my god! I am so sorry!”

When it left you, Ben was confused. “Gosh, I should have been looking where I was going… But I was too distracted. Ugh, I-” You were flustered , more than actually, embarrassed is the correct word. “Um… Give me a second and I'll buy you a new one…”

“What?”

Watching as you tried to pat away the coffee with one of the recycled paper napkins the café gives out, a million thoughts passed through him. Of course he took the offer, he wanted that coffee. The line was a lot shorter this time around, and got by a lot quicker too. You ordered for him as he zoned out suddenly looking over your shoulder at him. “What?” He asks, watching you get even more flustered. “I just asked if you wanted anything else. Do you?” “Oh, uh, yeah.” he clears his throat, raising his voice. “The kale chips.”

You both walked out together, your head was down and you watched your shoes as you walked. “Again, I’m really sorry.” He glances at you with a slight side eye as he sips on the coffee, this was the gazillionth time you’ve apologized in just the last few minutes. “It’s… whatever.” He lets out a quick and breathy chuckle. “You apologize to me, but I ruined your sweater.” All of the sudden, your embarrassment seemed non-existent. A light and bubbly laugh leaving you. “Ruined? Oh, trust me, I’ll be just fine. I've dealt with worse.”

“Anyways! I have to get home and change, It was nice meeting you!”

-

The lunch room was beyond packed, packed like the reunion tour of a popular punk band from the 2000's. The doors and tables overflow with hungry and impatient mouths. You had managed to get in before the rush and snag a serving of less than okay school food, but by the time you got out of line, they had all flooded in. People had no concern for others around them, pushing and shoving like toddlers over toys, and you were getting the brunt of it. Not actually, but it sure felt like it.

You were halfway across the room and were looking around the tables for a free space- but it was too late for that already. A body slams into yours hard, you hit the ground as your food falls and splatters all of the chest of the sweater you had just gotten the coffee stain out of. Feet come down around you as you struggle to get up, the other person now looming over you. “Could you have watched where you were going!?” This whole situation was not intentional, but they had no right to get angry at you for that.

You felt the tips of your ears heat, unable to answer. Her eyes bore down on you as she sways with every passing body bumping into her. Suddenly, you feel a hand grab the back of your sweater and pull you from the ground, as if they were scruffing a cat. “Or, maybe you could stop play fighting with your friends in the cafeteria, like a bitch.” Her jaw drops and her freckled face goes red with embarrassment, obviously on the fact that she can't pawn her mistake off on someone else this time. The voice was rather monotone- in a way- compared to the words spoken. And rather familiar.

When you look up it’s the guy from the café, his neutral expression was a thin vale to hide his irritation- at least to you. His hand still had a grip on the back of your shirt, it was a firm hold, and it made you just a tad bit nervous. You swallow as the person swallows her embarrassment, rolling her eyes desperately to try and hide. “Whatever freak, sorry…” she turns and disappears into the crowd. You watch her do so, completely shocked at the situation at hand. Your lips part to say something, but his grip on your sweater releases, being replaced by an arm around your shoulder. Suddenly, you’re being dragged through the crowd and towards the cafeteria door.

He walks you out into the hallway, which is mostly empty at this point. “Thank you.” you choke out through the lump in your throat. He doesn’t say anything, just keeps walking with you- and you aren’t in any position to object.

Eventually you reach the stairs. Under it is a mostly empty black backpack, and there’s a light reflection of gold from inside. The weight of his arm leaves your shoulders and he walks ahead, sliding under the stairs and sitting with his back to an old AC unit. You hesitate for a moment, you’ve only met this guy one other time… maybe you should just wait…… nah.

Sliding under the stairs right after him, you sit straight across from the guy. He’s already looked away. “I think we have third period together. Your name is Ben, right?” His phone is already out, and he’s scrolling through it. “Well I'm…” you give him your name, and all he does is look up at you with a nod before going back to his phone. The volume is low, but there are noises coming from it, ones you recognize. “Is that the Sumo Slammers mobile game?” There was no judgement in your voice at all, and suddenly the losing end sound plays.

The corners of his mouth twitch. “Yeah?” “My little brother is obsessed with that series. He says that the mobile game isn’t that good, but he still played it to the end.” He let out a little huff like laugh through his nose, pressing the power button and finally giving you his full attention. “Yeah, maybe the old one wasn't that good, but this one is a new release- Doesn’t even have dubbed lines yet.” He clears his throat, slouching a bit as his hands slide into his pockets. “Actually, it’s not fully released in the states yet. I got pre access to the game.” He watches you smile, and suddenly there's a slight tense feeling in his chest.

“That’s really cool, are you a beta tester or something?” He shrugs. “No, and it’s whatever.” He glances away, gaze holding on the wall. “Well I think it’s really cool, especially since it's a series you like.” “How do you know that?” His gaze snaps back to you, suddenly defensive. “Your backpack is open and the sun is reflecting off of the cold backing of the trading cards.” You lazily point to the stairs above you, and there is the reflected image of the symbol on the cards. “Those are the collectors additions, from japan. I know because I’ve been looking for that exact deck for my brother.”

You watch as his cheeks dust a light pink color, lightly nudging his bag so it falls over. He starts avoiding eye contact, leaning back fully against the old AC unit. “Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be cleaning up your sweater?” You lean back against the stairs. “Yeah, maybe. But I think you’re kinda cool, and I’d like to stay.”

It was rather silent the rest of lunch, when you tried to hold a conversation- he would end it with short answers that gave you nothing to build off of. The bell rings above you like the screech of an angered bird. You both get up, him raising from the floor before you. You brush the dirt off of the back of your thighs, the light sound of unzipping catching your attention. You watch as the zipper of his hoodie comes down as he pulls it. Yanking it off of his shoulders, revealing the greenish-grey long sleeve he had under it.

“Here. Even if you get the food off, it’ll still stain.” He hands you the coat, slinging his backpack over one shoulder, the already open flap lolling open even more. “Oh, thank you, I don’t know what to sa-” “Don’t. Don’t say anything. This never happened.” He walks past you and into the crowd of students, with his head down.

You watch as he does so, eventually looking back down at the hoodie in hand. You feel your face just slightly twinge with heat. “Yeah… Alright.” You say under your breath as you rush off to the nearest bathroom to scrub the food scum from your sweater.

-

It was a game day.

Not that he kept track of that, he had never been into football. Once upon a time he played soccer, but after he got the Negatrix any hopes of that former love returning was gone. Ben knew it was game day because his cousin was in her cheerleading outfit- and it was no were near time for cheer competitions. Her makeup was done and her strawberry blonde hair was pulled up, and she sat in the front seat of her boyfriend's car chatting to said boyfriend about the routines she had to do.

Ben sat in the back, as he always did, waiting for the drive to be over. It came soon enough as the car pulled into the drop off area in front of the school, slowing to a stop. Neither Tennyson waited for it to fully stop before opening their doors. He got out, closing it with a slam and without a thank you. Gwen still leaning in and talking. The chatter of the hoard of tired teenagers flocking into the building almost drowned out the shouting of his name.

Almost.

He groans, looking over his shoulder, spotting the mass of pastels jogging towards him with something in their arms. “I’m so glad I got here on time! They were packed this morning- and I thought I'd be late- but I made it.” In your arms is his hoodie and an espresso smoothie. You hand him your gifts with a large smile. “I um, washed the jacket for you. Thanks again.” The bell rings and you give a quick wave before pushing into the school building yourself.

His jaw hangs slack, looking down at his freshly cleaned jacket- lint free, folded, and still warm- and the smoothie. When he moves there's a light cracking from inside the jacket, like the sound of a chip bag. He pulls back one of the folds and there is a bag of kale chips, stuck to it is a yellow sticky note written on with a pink gel pen. A phone number with “See you at lunch.”

“Who was that?” Ben looks over at his cousin, an impressed smirk on her lips.

“You’re getting mileage out of this, huh?” “Soooo much.”

[firefly-in-darkness]

Proud Popsicle

Pairing → Dad!Stucky x Daughter!Reader (platonic)

Characters → Marvel Characters

Summary → Y/N visits her Dads after her holiday with her partner

Word Count → 1.4k

SSB2021 Square Fill → Dad/Daughter Dance - @star-spangled-bingo​

Warnings → Fluff.

Betas → @daydream3r-xo​ // all mistakes are my own.

A/N → I couldn’t help myself with this fluffy piece and Steve being such a mother hen and proud husband.

Firefly’s Masterlist // Star Spangled Bingo 2021

It was the first time you’d seen your parents after returning from your holiday and you were beyond excited to spend the weekend with them, telling them all about the adventure you and your partner went on and catching up on all theirs too.

You rushed out of the taxi and eagerly into the arms held open wide, burying your head into the chest of your Pops. He chuckled at the tight hold you had on his waist and pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

“Hi, Pops.” You mumbled into his chest, then looked up to him. “What time will Bucky be back from work?”

You were sure that Steve’s blonde locks and beard were peppered with more greys since your last visit a month ago. But his blue eyes still shone as bright as the day that he brought you, a quite eight-year-old, home from the adoption centre with Bucky.

It was Bucky that had spotted you at the orphanage, shy and playing on your own with some old raggedy toys. He always comments at family gatherings that it was the wild yet stoic look about you that drew him nearby. You were like a feral child in your own little world, he’d tell his closest friends.

It was the moments that you weren’t with family or friends that were hardest for Bucky, you’d grown used to it and didn’t bat an eye when people stared at his prosthetic arm, and you’d always help him through a panic attack from the crowded spaces. You didn’t care that your Dad caused a scene - he was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and he needed love and support around him. He had put aside his fears and given you the life of your dreams.

“He should be home in about half an hour, he took a half-day just to see our girl.” Steve beamed and picked up your suitcase. “Come on, I’ve got lunch ready and Auntie Nat is already here.”

You squealed and rushed through the front door and down the hallway to the kitchen. Your favourite aunt was perched on a stool at the breakfast bar with a beaming smile and waiting arms.

“Pops didn’t say you’d be here. When did you get back from Europe?” You threw your coat onto the dining table behind them.

“Last week. Clint and I completed the merger for the business earlier than we expected so we immediately jumped on the opportunity to come home.” Natasha explained. “It’s been a long eighteen months and I needed to see you guys properly. Not on a tiny cell screen.”

You were excited to hear everything about your aunt’s security firm’s expansion and what it was like to live on the other side of the world, but you were interrupted by a sandwich being placed in front of you by Steve. Stomach grumbling at the sight of your favourite filling.

“Steve was just showing me the wedding video,” Natasha smirked.

You groaned, “Not again. Are you seriously still showing that Pops? It’s been two years.”

“Nat hadn’t seen it,” he explained, to which you just raised your brow, knowing full well that she attended the ceremony and you’d sent a digital copy. Steve then added, “in person.”

You chuckled, “okay, what part you up to?”

“When Bucky joined us for the father, daughter dance.” Steve beamed; his chest puffed with pride.

You carried on eating your sandwich, “Well-”.

“Don’t eat with your mouth full.” Steve reprimanded as he started to walk out of the kitchen, “and hang your coat up when you’re done.”

You rolled your eyes and looked at your Auntie Nat for defence.

“Don’t look at me honey, you’re an adult and married now.” She put her hands up and followed Steve.

In a flash, you threw your coat on the hook in the hallway and took your sandwich into the lounge, sitting cross-legged on the couch between Steve and Nat. Both focused on the images playing out on the wall-mounted television.

The swing band, hired by your parents, began playing Moonlight Serenade, you hooked your arm through Steve’s as he guided you onto the dancefloor for the Father, Daughter dance. It was already planned that Bucky and Steve would walk you down the aisle together and then the dance was with Steve. Bucky wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle being up there and you accepted that because you wouldn’t put your Dad in a difficult position. Especially after everything he went through from serving for his country.

You made sure to hook the loop at the bottom of your dress before Steve brought you into his arms. It would be just your luck that you’d trip over the flowing skirts as he led you around the dancefloor. The pair of you swayed together, and both caught the adoring stare of Bucky as he watched them from the top table.

You cupped Steve’s cheek as tears glistened in his eyes, “What’s wrong, Popsicle?”

Steve chuckled at the nickname that Tony Stark had encouraged from the moment they met, “I’m just so proud of you sweetheart, you look beautiful.”

“Thank you, but please don’t cry. I’m not going anywhere.” You reassured.

“I know,” Steve sighed, a huge smile taking over his features. “I’m sorry that Bucky couldn’t join us.”

You shook your head, matching his smile, “He took me down the aisle with you, that’s what any girl would want of her Dad. Plus, we agreed, this was more your thing than his.”

Steve pulled you closer, and you tucked your head against his chest. Relishing in the magical moment, the love and fear of being separated by marriage had been weighing heavy on the three of them but it had only made their bond stronger.

You both must have closed your eyes and gotten lost in the music because the sudden tap on your shoulder had you both pulling away, startled at the presence of someone joining you.

Bucky smiled, holding out his hand, “Can I join you, doll?”

Excitement surged through you and you jumped into his arms, wrapping them around his neck and nuzzling his neck. You missed the looks between your parents, their silent conversation as they both pulled you into their hold and finished the dance as the family unit you would always remain.

“I love you Dad.” You rested your head on his shoulder.

“I love you too, honey,” Bucky responded with a kiss to your forehead.

You looked over to Steve at the sound of the sniffing but then you realised it was Natasha who was also crying on the other side, you chuckled at the sight of the pair of them. Former hired bodyguards and security detail, strong and independent people, sobbing at the wedding video.

The sound of the front door opening and closing stopped your internal laughter, and you jumped out of your seat, knowing that your dad was finally home from work. You waited for his call, the one he’d done every day, from the moment you were officially theirs, and he never intended to stop.

“Honey, I’m home. Where’s my Princess?” 

You walked into the hallway then sprinted to him, “Dad!!”

Bucky staggered backwards then held you close, “careful sweetheart, I’m not as young as I used to be.”

You pulled away and looked at your Dad, eyes wide in shock, “you cut your hair.”

“Do you like it?” Bucky sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

“Yes, it looks great.” You hugged him again, “Pops is watching the video again. Used the excuse of Auntie Nat seeing it in person.”

“Ugh, the punk.” Bucky chuckled and wrapped an arm around your shoulder as you walked down the hallway.

“I heard that!” Steve yelled from the lounge, “I might be getting old but my hearing’s still intact.”

“What?” Bucky responded. All they could hear was Steve grumbling and Natasha’s laughter. “Now, what has my partner in crime been up to?”

You’d forever deny that you always watched that part of your wedding video, with tears in your eyes too, whenever you were apart for more than a few weeks. You were the luckiest daughter ever and you couldn’t be prouder to be theirs.

Everything Tag List: @kitkatd7​ / @fandomfic-galore​ / @writerwrites​ / @thefridgeismybestie​ / @wedonttalkaboutitenough​ / @courtneychicken​ / @persephonesinfernos​

Marvel Tag List: @natasha-danvers​ / @little-baby-vixen​ / @stuckonjbbarnes​ / @starlightcrystalline​ / @nekoannie-chan​ / @hailhydra920​ / @vollzeitliebe​ / @fitzsimmons-is-forever​ / @ladyacrasia​ / @emmabarnes​

[hetalia-has-a-secretary]

Can you write something where the shyest boys finally kiss their crush at a party in a human au. But then some other mischievous character catches it on camera. Then they try to show it to everyone to tease them? (Not really maliciously more playfully. More like a trickster.) Sorry, but I am a sucker for shy characters since I am shy myself.

So my shy boys in my human AU are Japan, Canada, Russia and England (I'd put Romano but he's just a lone wolf who tends to bite when he's disturbed. Metaphorically.)

A/N: I HIT ONE OF MY NOTIFICATION POP UPS AND IT FORCED ME OUT OF THE FIRST DRAFT! I had to redo Japan and Canada's scenerios •́ J ,•̀

Human AU: Shy Boys kiss their crush! On TAPE!?

Japan:

He wasn't really enjoying the party Alfred was throwing. The only reason he was there was over the fact he promised to record some footage for a homemade music video, and he knew his crush was going to be there.

At some point he found himself watching his crush as they danced away with their friends. Was it kind of creepy? Yes. Did Kiku realize this at the moment? No.

He just about jumped out of his skin as his crush made eye contact with him, and his heartbeat quickened as they started dancing towards him.

"Hey Kiku! I thought you didn't like parties?"

"H-hai! I do not usually partake in such events, but I promised Alfred I'd get footage for one of his YouTube videos..."

His crush's head tilted, not hearing him through the loud music and talking. Even with him shouting he wasn't loud enough. So naturally he had them follow him to the porch.

He could have sworn that every star in the night sky was reflecting in his crush's eyes as they were waiting for him to repeat his anwser.

"I have to admit to some urges that have been occuring..." (Not what he was hoping he'd say)

Kiku cringed at his wording, and cursed himself for cramming so many english classes in before he transferred to America. He only calmed back down after hearing his crush laugh and egg him on to continue.

"I... kisu si te ii desu ka?" (Can I kiss you?)

Even though he was rather nervous, he was pretty close with his crush. During their lunches they asked him to teach them japanese so they can help him with translations. Even after two years they still had trouble with it.

"... What about a kiss? oh! Did you kiss someone at the party!"

His face turned red, and he shook it rapidly.

"No! You!"

"What do I have to do with a kiss and you- Oh!"

Kiku covered his face as his crush slowly caught on to his question. Soon enough they had taken his hands away, and lightly pecked his lips.

Flash.

That looked like the flash of a camera. Sure enough Alfred and England were standing at the doorway, polaroid camera in hand. Al being his usual loud self.

"I saw you bring them out here and just KNEW something was going to happen! Didn't I tell you, you had it in you! Now the whole class must know of your bravery!"

By the time Alfred finished his speech, Kiku was already after him. Sadly he was no match for Al's speed due to tripping over everyone, and everything.

Canada:

It wasn't like he was exactly shy, but he didn't have many friends since not many people in his class had much in common with him. His only real friend was his crush, so of course he was terrified to ruin that friendship. Though the constant jokes the others at the party made didn't help, since most of it revolved around them dating.

He was also getting more and more frustrated with the amount of attention his crush was getting. Some of it they welcomed with open arms, some of it not so much. The thing that really annoyed him was seeing Alfred himself flirt with them.

This was the final straw that gave him the courage to walk up to him, and accuse him directly.

"Why are you flirting with my date?"

"Date? I thought you said they were just a friend?"

Mathew had turned his head towards his crush, and planted a light kiss on their lips.

"There. Now we are!"

Matt's face went pale as he realized the scene that was playing out got the attention of some party goers. Phones already recording in case a fight broke out. Leaving no possibly way to get everyone to delete those videos.

Not realizing his crush had a hold of his hand to prevent any conflict, he tugged them out the door, trying his best to shield his face.

Once outside they both sat on the stone slabs of the sidewalk. Matt's crush clearing their throat to help stop the akward moment.

"You know... If you wanted to kiss me, you should have just asked..."

"Oh maple leaf! I am so sorry! I didn't even know I had it in me!"

His crush shook their head, chuckling, then leaned in for another kiss.

"There. Now we're even."

All matt could do was repeat their words with a dreamy sigh.

"Now we're even..."

Russia:

Ivan was already pretty shy, but he really wanted to hangout with his crush. So he let them rope him into going to the party Francis was having. It was a small party, so it wasn't all bad. Other than no one wanting to talk to him due to his lack of English.

His crush was certainly doing plenty of talking through out the night though, and they eventually pulled him aside to ask him something.

"Hey, Ivan? You okay? You don't look like you're enjoying yourself much".

His crush knew to keep sentences as simple and short as possible since he struggled with English. But he still managed a good enough response.

"Da. I am... Not good at the parties. Not one person, speeches? To Ivan..."

His crush smiled, reaching up to playfully ruffle his hair, earning a small giggle.

"You mean to say 'no one speaks to me'. I'm sorry. It can be hard, da?"

He nodded at them. Giving a smile knowing his crush at least tries to conversate with him. But there was something else on his mind. The more they talked, the more he seemed to stare at their lips. He was struggling more and more with hiding his blush. Eventually his crush took it as a sign he was overheating and they dragged him to the bathroom to splash water to his face.

"It is too warm for a turtle neck and scarf! Your face is very warm!"

Ivan shook his head, face getting redder from the embarrassment.

"Nyet!"

His crush gave a look of confusion, and Ivan took this as a sign to try and explain.

"You do much of the talking. I... Do much of the seeing. Nyet. I do much of the-"

He gestured his gaze to his crush's lips, unable to convey his message and when it still didn't sink in for them, Ivan did the next best thing out of pure frustration.

He kissed them. It felt like forever, but it was cut too short as the sound of a gasp interrupted them. Breaking away he spotted Francis standing at the door that was left wide open. A phone with the light on, signalling it was recording them.

"Oh ho ho! This is quite the confession! A love that goes beyond language barriers is just as strong as love itself!"

Ivan couldn't seem to follow Francis' words, especially because he was more concerned with the phone footage.

"You take video for just us, da?"

Francis gave a smirk and took off without another word. Ivan wasn't dumb when it came to body language, and he took off after him. Taking no time at all to corner Francis, scaring everyone else as the two of them bickered over the phone.

"Throw out the phone!"

"I will do no such thing!

"I will throw you instead!"

It took his crush snagging the phone and deleting the video for everything to finally settle back down.

England:

He was kind of popular in the sense everyone knew him as the punk kid who could play the electric guitar. But so did others students so he wasn't exactly special. So yeah, he was wicked shy and insecure about how everyone viewed him.

But his crush seemed to treat him differently, and honestly? He was secretly hoping that meant they really liked him. Maybe even more than liked!

The best part is, he wasn't even expecting his crush to show up at some random person's party. He, himself, was only there to help a band entertain. But there they were, his crush, dancing and bopping along to the music.

He found himself making a lot of eye contact with them, and when the first break came around, he bounced off the makeshift stage. His crush immediately walking over to him to pester.

"That was amazing! I didn't know you played so well!"

Arthur pulled at his bangs.

"Thanks love. It means quite a lot coming from you. Especially because you didn't expect to see me here, of all places..."

"Actually I-"

Before they could continue, they were dragged off by some of their friends to be introduced to someone. He decided to follow, wanting to know what the fuss was about. And of course his crush's friends were trying to hook them up with... Francis...

He gave a verbal sigh, watching his crush shift uncomfortably as Francis did his best to act all suave. His crush looked back at him with pleading eyes. This gave him an idea.

He walked over, slinging an arm around their shoulder, speaking up and over their conversation.

"There you are darling! I've been searching the whole bloody house for you! Oh, hello Francis. I didn't see you there!"

Things got intense, and before anyone knew it, Francis and Arthur had gotten into a fist fight. There wasn't a particular winner, but Arthur certainly left the fight with the only bruised lip. Sitting at one of the spare couches, his crush tended to the bruise.

"I can't believe you did that! Are you nuts? Why do you two fight anyway!"

"I'm sorry love... It's just... He gets in the way is all".

"In the way of what? Some male pride?"

"...you"

Silence filled the space between them, only to be broken by the chaste and airy kiss from his crush.

"I didn't know..."

"Part of me didn't want you too..."

Neither of them knew someone had recorded them until the day they returned to the college. Someone had thought it was funny to make a "fancam" of Arthur "fighting for his loved one". The only words his new lover could mutter was:

"At least no one is going to have to ask us if we're together now..."

[sleepdepwritings]

Presented for archival purposes only, the first part of a story I wrote many years ago and will not be continuing no way it’s very bad.

A Save the Spiders Gig

by Cody L Ralston

Chapter 1

The vampires stormed the stage while we were in the middle of "Walking is Still Honest," which was not fucking cool.

First of all, it's my favorite song by my favorite band. You don't go with the stage name "Against Steve" unless you love Laura Jane Grace. Second, Ted steps back and lets me sing lead on that song, and I fucking shred at it. I shriek that motherfucker, alright?

And third, y'know. Vampires.

The gig was a bonfire/kegger/minor riot some local kids had arranged in the badlands outside of town. We were set up on a platform we'd jerry-rigged from some old wooden pallets and milk crates, wailing sloppily at two or three dozen drunken, pill-popping, weed-smoking punk kids and a handful of older crusties who thought we were "true punk" because we sucked. Everyone in that crowd was screaming, slamming, arguing, fighting, and a few on the outskirts of the firelight may have been screwing right there in the dust.

In all the chaos, it was easy to miss things that would otherwise have set off warning signals. Like flying bottles. Or jagged-toothed undead monsters leaping for my throat.

The first vampire, a young man with a mop of dark hair, came at me just as I made a flamboyant motion with my bass that ended with the body of the instrument coming up hard into his jaw. I choked on the line I'd been singing and made to apologize before I noticed that two other people had leaped onstage, and that all three of them were baring huge sharp teeth at me and my band. All three had dirty, claw-like nails to match, and their skin and eyes had a pale blue tinge that put me immediately in mind of dead things.

"Shit! Vampires! Shit!" I yelled, right into the microphone. The audience probably thought I'd gotten high and forgot the lyrics, but Kassie, Ted, and Dave dropped the song immediately and made to defend themselves.

"Steve! Catch!" Dave yelled, throwing one of his drumsticks toward me. I dived for it, but one of the vamps tackled me, cracking the pallets as our combined weights slammed down on them. I clawed and scrambled for the drumstick, but the vampire had me pinned by the legs and lunged for my neck at the same time.

There was a solid "THONK" and a whine of feedback. The vampire rolled off of me, hissing at Kassie, who had just clubbed him over the head with her guitar without bothering to unplug it from the amp. Holding it by the neck like a golf club, she hammered another blow into the vampire's temple while I got my feet under me and grabbed at the stick.

Wheeling around with the stick clutched in both hands, I brought all my weight down on the dazed vampire, driving the length of wood right into the center of his chest. The stick splintered and broke when it hit his sternum, but one splinter must have made it through the rotted bone to his heart. He shrieked with pain and rage, convulsing, tearing at the ground with his clawed hands and tossing his head back. I fell back,  Then, suddenly, his cries died off, his body went slack, and his flesh began to slough off, dissolving into a putrid, green-black goo that bubbled and stank.

Kassie reached out one heavily-tattooed hand to me and helped me up off my knees. I winced- her grip had driven some of the splinters deeper into my hand.

A few yards away, Ted was holding one of the other vampires off with a mic stand. He had butted the foot of the stand into the hollow of the bald, emaciated creature's throat, and was pushing with all his might to keep the frenzied thing at arm's length. The vampire howled and lunged, forcing him back.

"Guys, I need help!" Ted screamed, panic rising in his voice. "He's really dumb but he's really strong!"

I looked around for the nearest weapon and found nothing but the splinters of the pallet at my feet. Cursing through clenched teeth, I grabbed an arm-length piece of splintered board and lunged at the vampire's back, leading with the sharp(ish) tip.

Said tip sank several inches into the creature, right between his shoulderblades. Unfortunately, while the board stopped at several inches, I didn't. My momentum carried me forward into the now dying vampire, who in turn slammed forward into Ted. We all hit the ground with a muffled "Shit!"

For a terrfying instant the wailing, snapping, clawing thing was trapped between us. Then, finally, it stilled, melting into corpse-goo all over my fucking shirt. Ted's shirt too, I guess.

Breathing hard, we got up, shaking and covered in rotten sludge. Ted sputtered and wiped some of the stinking shit out of his beard. Kassie, ever appropriate, was pointing and giggling at us.

"You guys actually made vampire-slaying look pathetic!" She snorted. I glared and looked to the back of the stage.

"Where's Dave?!" I yelled. Our drummer and the third vampire had disappeared from sight, which was a hell of a trick considering dave is six foot two without his massive green warhawk.

"Oh, right here." Called a voice from my left. I whirled around to see Dave step into the firelight nearly twenty yards away from the rest of us. How the hell did he get over there so fast?

"One of the fuckers tried to run. Don't worry, I got him." Dave hopped up onto the stage, and I noticed he was gripping a ride cymbal in his left hand. He took his place behind his kit and replaced the cymbal. One edge was bent sharply and stained black. Dave looked to me, smiling beatifically.

"Shall we?" He asked casually.

I turned back to the partygoers spread out in front of us. All of them had stopped to stare at the fight. A few were gaping dully, some were murmuring questions to each other,and a few near the front looked like they were about to start screaming. For my part, I stared back at them, wide-eyed and soaked in what I was pretty sure was someone's liquified intestines.

Ted, natural showman, was the one who finally acted.

"Guess our friends jumped their cue a bit, huh?" He laughed into the nearest mic. "Hope you enjoyed out little skit there. He's some Misfits covers for you. ONETWOTHREEFOUR!"

***

We fumbled our way through "Astro Zombies" and "Last Carress," then ran for Ted's van, parked with the cluster of other vehicles beyond the fire. We huddled around the far side to discuss what had just happened.

"What the fuck Dave?!" I hissed. Dave drew back, looking indignant.

"What? What did I do? Some vampires just attacked us, why would you blame me?"

"What the FUCK, Dave?" Kassie and Ted spoke simultaneously.

"Dave" is not Dave's real name. We all took stage names when we formed our band, Save the Spiders. Theodore "Ted Kennedy" Paige is four lead singer, Kassandra "Kassie Kriminal" Jones our guitarist, Steven "Against Steve!" McCool (me, nice to meet you) our bassist, and Dave G. Abortion is our drummer.

I don't know Dave's real name. I don't know if he has a real name. What I do know about Dave is this- he is tall, tan, has dark eyes and typically Navajo features, and the night I met him I saw him transform into a ten-foot-tall insectoid monster and bite off a man's arm. The man survived. Don't worry though, because after a lot of explaining and screaming and vomiting, I helped Dave hunt him down and finish him off before he could eat a couple of toddlers.

Oh, and he's a decent drummer. Kind of a showboat though.

Since that night, we had all had further encounters with monsters and magic, and almost all had been attracted by Dave and his mysterious powers.

So we stood there, scowling, daring him to keep denying that this was somehow his stupid fault. Eventually, he sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Look, there are LOTS of vampires who don't like me. It'd be hard to narrow it down to one group and one reason."

"What, didn't you recognize any of them? You got real up close with the one guy." Kassie said. Dave shrugged.

"They were all fairly fresh. Probably servants to whoever had the real grudge. I expect there'll be more coming."

Ted groaned.

"Why are we always in the crossfire with you? Why can't they kill you in your sleep and leave us out of this?"

"Why, because you're my best friends and stalwart companions, and killing you would hurt me more than any wound, of course!" Dave grinned and tossed an arm around Ted's shoulders. Ted jerked away from him.

I shucked my ruined shirt and tossed it onto the rocky ground. I ran my hands through my shaggy blonde hair, trying to think up a plan of action.

"Okay, so. Dave, you need to ask around and figure out who's in town that might want you dead-"

"Long. List. Dude."

"What the fuck ever! Go through it! And we need to set up some kind of defense system at the house. I don't want to be eaten on a futon, I'll disappoint my parents." I glanced in the direction of the party, which had gotten back into swing. "And we can't take any gigs until we've got this sorted out. We don't want to get normals involved in this shit."

"Good thinking, by the way, Ted." Kassie interjected. "Passing the vamp attack off as part of the show. Think they bought it?"

"Yeah, yeah. Everyone there was off their skull on booze and speed. Half of them won't remember it happened at all, and I'm sure no one is going to leave here convinced they saw real vampires."

"I know I saw real vampires."

The voice came from behind us, between the cars. Everyone jumped and raised their hands in vague, ineffectual defensive motions.

A young man, probably around nineteen, stepped forward hesitantly. He was black, on the short side, with a swimmer's build and close-cropped hair. He wore a faded denim jacket, blue jeans, and a Ramones t-shirt, all rumpled and a bit ratty. His eyes were cast down shyly. While I should have been concentrating on what he was saying, I couldn't help thinking to myself that he also had a really cute face.

"Those were real vampires." He said, louder this time.

"Kid, you do NOT want to go around saying that." Kassie said, quirking a pierced eyebrow. "Normals will want to lock you up and vampires- if they existed, which they don't, nuh-uh, no way- would want to kill you. If they existed. Which-"

"I KNOW they exist." The kid looked up to meet our eyes, indignant now. "I know they exist because I've seen them before. They took some of my friends. I think they ATE them. And I came here tonight because someone told me you guys have handled creepy stuff like this before. I came here for your help." His eyes flicked down again, and his lower lip (his really quite full and soft-looking lower lip, I noted, like a fucking idiot) quivered. "They're after me, too. They know I know."

The band exchanged looks. If this guy had contact with the vampires, he probably knew who they were and maybe where they were holed up. And if they were after him, we had a duty as non-assholes to help him.

And, well... For all Ted's bitching, we all knew we were nursing a big stupid hero complex.

I held my hand out to him.

"My name is Steve McCool. And we're going to help you however we can, alright?"

He looked at me with relief in his shining eyes. He shook my hand, his own clammy and sweating.

"Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm Jamie, Jamie DeVries."

"Well Jamie, this is Kassie, Ted, and Dave. Hop in the van. We're going to pack up and then we can take you to our place and you can give us some details on these bastards." I turned to the others.

"Alright guys, let's haul ass and get back to the squat."

[sinceileftyoublog]

Dogleg Interview: Buckle Up, Motherfucker

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Earlier this year, Michigan punk four-piece Dogleg released one of the most blistering, endlessly playable debuts of the year in Melee, which, yes, is a Super Smash Bros. game. At this point, much has been written about the band, from their beyond wild live shows to their Pokemon-referencing and video game-playing prowess. Lost in the shuffle is that 2020 was poised to be their year to gain even more of a national following. Released on March 13th, right as the COVID-19 pandemic hit, Melee was supposed to be supported by three cancelled tours--SXSW, an opening slot for Microwave, and an opening slot for Joyce Manor--and an appearance at this year’s cancelled Pitchfork Music Festival. Listening to the songs on the record, you can only imagine how they translate: the jerky momentum of “Bueno”, build-up of “Prom Hell”, gang vocals of “Fox”, clear-vocal anthem of “Wrist”, and odd groove of “Ender”. The band agrees that playing live is what makes them Dogleg: “Our live shows is what made us the forefront of the DIY music scene for as long as we were with such little released music,” bassist Chase Macinski told me over the phone in April.

The band’s self-titled debut EP--at the time, the band was simply a solo project of lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist Alex Stoitsiadis--was released in 2015. Full-band follow-up Remember Alderaan? (Macinski, drummer Parker Grissom) came out in 2016. In the four years between EP2 and LP1, Dogleg took their time writing what would become Melee but wasted no time debuting unreleased songs as they were finished. It was not just their energy, but their steady stream of new material that garnered the band a growing fan base, local and beyond, and eventually a deal with venerable indie punk label Triple Crown Records. “Fox” and “Kawasaki Backflip” were released as singles last November and February, respectively, and the generated hype garnered them rave reviews from publications like Pitchfork that, 10-20 years ago, probably would have scoffed at them.

Dogleg’s bigger moment--they’ve certainly had plenty of already big ones--may be on hold. Macinski continues his day job as a janitor in Southfield, about 20 minutes northwest of Detroit, while Stoitsiadis has played around with live-streamed acoustic and solo electric sets. While the group approach to writing that allowed the band to flourish when making Remember Alderaan? and Melee may not be possible without a completely reopen Michigan, and while Dogleg won’t be able to feed off of crowds for a bit, I have no doubt they’ll come back when they can with an even greater drive.

Read my interview with Macinski below.

Since I Left You: To what extent can Melee be fully appreciated without the context of the Dogleg live show?

Chase Macinski: I think you get a feeling for it. You understand it. But you still haven’t experienced it. We have been playing these songs for a long time. “Headfirst” for example, we basically had that song written by the time Remember Alderaan? came out in 2016. But we didn’t want to include it on the EP because it was close but not finished. Two weeks later, I’m pretty sure we wrapped it up, and then we were like, “Cool. We have the first song for the new album.” At that point, we thought it was time to make an album. We were playing it ever since it’s been done. As we were writing songs for the album, we were incorporating them into our live shows. A year ago, when the album wasn’t even out, half our set was still this album. Locals who saw us on the most recent tour we got to go on did catch that experience but didn’t get the whole context of the album, you know?

SILY: "Headfirst”, especially, is the most maximal song on the record.

CM: Oh yeah.

SILY: At the same time, when I read reviews of your music that say things like, “Dogleg plays loud,” or “Dogleg has energy,” it seems to leave out the complexity of the arrangements. The stop-starts, the drum fills, the crescendos. There’s a lot going on in the music, beyond it obviously being loud and fast. Can you talk about achieving a balance between raw energy and composition?

CM: We want to build up a lot of tension when we play, and we keep that in mind when we’re writing songs. We definitely try to think of, “What’s really hype? What builds up a lot of energy? What gives us butterflies in our stomach and makes us really jazzed up to hear this or anxious?” For the live shows, since we focus so much on those details, the start-stops and crescendos, it fills itself in pretty easily since we’re all focused on that and on the same page in terms of execution, that it just happens, and on the other side of that, we’re trying to be as energetic and involved and engaging with the music as possible. What we do in theory helps us out in practice, if that makes sense.

SILY: How did you approach the sequencing on Melee?

CM: We took it very seriously. It took us a lot of time to figure out what order the songs should be in. I immediately said we should start the album with “Kawasaki Backflip”, and I got some backlash on that. The other two contenders for the first track were “Fox” and “Prom Hell”. “Prom Hell” had more of an argument than “Fox” did. My attitude was, “‘Kawasaki’ starts off like a roller coaster, and that intro guitar riff is just like, ‘Buckle up, motherfucker.’ Let’s go for a ride.’” I really thought it had that tension immediately out the gate and blasted you with what could be a middle ground for the entire album, where I thought “Prom Hell” didn’t really address or show you what you can fully expect on this. For the first track, you might think something differently. After that, it was a lot of, “Okay, how does one song end and another begin?” We thought a lot about what key songs were in, what note songs ended on, how they ended, what the band was doing, what they sounded like, and then we thought about the same thing for how songs begin. “How does this one start? Does it start full-band, just guitar, drum fill?” We wanted to make sure we weren’t being too repetitive and created a sense of flow that could make one song go into the other. We even incorporated those moments where we were very specific about the time change between “Kawasaki” and “Bueno”. We were very specific about when “Kawasaki” ended and how much time passed between that and for you to hear the drums of “Bueno”. We wanted it to be an exact timing just for enough tension to be built up.

SILY: Were there any considerations to the thematic sequencing of the songs?

CM: No, not really, other than when we wrote “Ender” and decided to call it “Ender”, we knew it would be the last song. Otherwise, there wasn’t thematic sequencing because the lyrical content and the themes through the lyrics throughout the album were Alex’s thing. We write a song, and when the whole band writes the song, it’s an instrumental. Then, Alex comes up with a melody, and we all pitch in with what the lyrics might sound like, and Alex writes all the words. I’ve contributed when he’s got writer’s block and have helped him out a bit there, but for the most part, all of the themes for the lyrics he puts in. 

SILY: There’s a line on “Kawasaki Backflip” that does seem like an appropriate introductory mantra to the record: “We can destroy this together.”

CM: Yeah, I mean, I think that’s a pretty powerful statement as an introductory song on the album. “Kawasaki”’s that “buckle up” song, as well, so the instrumental aspects definitely lead into that idea of “get ready for what you’re about to experience.”

SILY: A song like “Cannonball” is a bit more swaying instead of clearly uptempo. When you go into write as a unit, do those differences occur naturally, or are they forced with any sort of intention?

CM: “Cannonball” I would say occurred naturally because we wrote the song as we were practicing one day. In between songs we were practicing and making noise, I played that main verse riff, that A to C progression. I was just bored, not thinking, and playing my bass, waiting for Alex and Parker to be like, “Okay, let’s play another song.” While I was doing that, Alex was like, “Yo, what’s that?” I was like, “I don’t know, I was just messing around.” We started building on that and took that swaying feeling for what it was, and the lyrics to add to that--I think “Cannonball” was maybe the 4th, maybe 5th song on the album, so we didn’t have any idea what would be on it at that point. We knew it was a Dogleg song.

SILY: On “Ender”, are those actual strings in the outro?

CM: Yes, those are our friends who go to music school in Chicago. We know them from the School of Rock music program we all did when we were in middle school and high school. They were home for summer vacation and had their instruments, and we asked, “Yo, can we record y’alls playing violin”...I forget the other instrument. [Editor’s note: It’s double bass.] Those are actual strings. Honestly, I thought they played the parts so well, I made a comment that, “I don’t think people will think this is real because it sounds so genuine and good.”

SILY: I actually assumed it was a synthesizer.

CM: It’s legit. They’re just really good at playing their instruments. The horns are real as well.

SILY: What’s the story behind the cover art?

CM: The cover art is Alex’s aunt’s artwork. She’s a really great artist, and we’ve used her designs in the past. If you’ve ever seen the dog pack t-shirt, where it’s the bunch of dogs in watercolor--it’s also the artwork of our first EP--she also did that. She just really likes drawing dogs. We’ve never really commissioned something from her--she’s always already made something that we’ve thought is really cool, and then Alex asks her whether we can use it for the band, and she says, “Yeah, sure go ahead.” One day we were playing a show in 2017, way before we had half the songs on the album written, before “Fox” was even an idea. [Alex] was scrolling through his aunt’s Instagram and came across that picture. I saw it out of the corner of my eye and was like, “What is that?” He just goes, “It’s just something my aunt made.” I was like, “That is a fucking phenomenal piece of art. We have to use that for our album artwork.” He was like, “Okay.” He asked, we got permission. We made no edits to it. I don’t know when it was drawn or made, but when I saw it, I immediately knew it was perfect.

SILY: Is she a fan of the band?

CM: Yeah, she likes the band. She thinks it’s really cool.

SILY: Have any of these songs evolved, from the song structure to the performance, as the fans get to know both the recorded and live versions?

CM: We play the songs faster live, that’s for sure. Before we did any recording for the album, we had to decide on a tempo we wanted to play them at for the album. But since the songs were written, it’s just whatever tempo we’re feeling. For Melee, none of the song structures have really changed. But for the Dogleg self-titled EP, a lot of those songs, we play very differently live. Alex did that all by himself, recording, drums, bass, vocals, guitar. When we got incorporated in the band, that’s when we had the ability to put our spin on it. We changed and added those stop-and-go’s, different solos. No major changes to structure, but they feel more like Dogleg songs you’d expect to hear today.

SILY: Have you written anything during quarantine?

CM: Alex has been making some riffs, but we haven’t written any music. Alex says it’s pretty difficult for him at the moment. The songwriting process for every song on Melee and every song on Remember Alderaan? has been a band experience: Someone comes to the table with a riff, melody, one piece of the puzzle, and then the entire band fleshes it out. It’s pretty difficult for us to write music at the moment when we can’t get together.

SILY: Is there anything else next for you? Are you releasing any more music videos?

CM: We have some ideas. Nothing fleshed out yet. The last thing we did was the “Wartortle” video. We also have the Eureka [Records] sessions, which were all filmed before Michigan was put under lock down. We have some guitar play-throughs that will get out eventually, where it’s Alex playing along with the songs.

SILY: Is there anything you’ve been listening to, watching, or reading during or before quarantine that’s inspired you, comforted you, or caught your attention?

CM: I’ve been listening to a lot of music that I’ve listened to in the past. Once I graduated college and was really active in the temporary jobs I had and on the road, I stopped using Spotify for a long time even though I still had my account. My senior year, my Spotify minutes were huge: You listen to music when you study, do homework, whatever. Once I graduated, I couldn’t listen to music while doing things. A year ago, I was working at a hospital on a research project, and you’re not allowed to listen to music during work. I had like 15% of the music usage I did the previous year. So I’ve been revisiting a lot of old music. I’ve been listening to a band called Colossal. I forget the name of the album--it’s the only one I have in my car. The first track is called “The Dusk of Us” so it’s the first thing that comes to my mind. [Editor’s note: It’s Welcome the Problems.] Phenomenal album, really nice. I’ve listened to that a lot. My roommate has an extra PC, so I’ve been playing a lot of PC games, which I haven’t done in a long time because I don’t have a PC that can keep up. I’ve been playing [Civilization VI] with friends over Discord, which is nice, because I haven’t talked to them in a while. I haven’t really been reading anything, and I’ve been trying to watch movies I’ve been expected to watch for a while. Yesterday I watched The Matrix for the first time. 

Melee by Dogleg

[djdavidbonobo]

Raices & Resistance: The Liner Notes

             Raices & Resistance: The Brown Sounds of L.A. 2000-2010

     There are sometimes fortuitous moments when the spotlight on music falls in just the right place at just the right time: New Orleans during the 1920s, San Francisco in the Age of Aquarius, or Seattle in the Grunge Era. Each moment different, but equally a watershed. Then, there are also the times and places where the seeds of genius are budding all around, but those pioneers of the day are ahead of their time, or they simply don’t get the financial or promotional watering that they need to flourish. Think of New York’s Jazz scene during WWII, or the American pioneers of Punk Rock in the early 70’s. Those eras are the ones that are most akin to what happened in L.A.’s Latin music scene of the 2000s. 

     At the end of the 90’s, Ozomatli had gained much deserved recognition with the release of their eponymously titled debut album in 1998, and it seemed as if the spotlight was about to fall on the Latin music community right when it was in the beginning of a renaissance. Yet, when the new millennium came, times were tough everywhere, and nowhere could this be more clearly seen than in the music industry. Internet platforms like Napster made free online music downloads ready for the masses, and caused the industry’s near collapse. MySpace emerged as the first social media platform for new musicians to connect with audiences, but it lacked the reach of today’s YouTube and Facebook. As the L.A. Times noted in 2004, “Major multinational labels, struggling with an economic downturn, are reluctant to invest what it takes to break new acts, especially in a genre (like Latin Alternative) that gets little airplay and needs significant label support.” 

     By the 20teens, things were looking very different as the music industry had reinvented itself (albeit with missing limbs and less money in the bank), and it had again turned its eye toward the L.A. Latino music community with Grammys handed out to Quetzal and La Santa Cecilia. The buzz of L.A.’s Latin talent was spreading to audiences in the U.S.’s Spanish speaking communities, so as the economy began to resurge, bands were having an easier time with self-marketing, tours, and album sales.

     So who was there during this creative explosion of L.A.’s Latin music community of the 2000s? And what were the common threads running through this musical tapestry? These are important elements to consider when creating a title for this compilation, and the diversity of the scene made this a difficult task. Not all of the artists were rock. Most sang in both English and Spanish. A couple of them only sang in Spanish. Most had roots in local community oriented civil rights activism, but not all. Hmmm. Simple, yet complex. Despite the eclectic range of all these artists combined, they were (or still are) a close knit group of musicians: a musical community. For example, I don’t know all of them personally, but I know that there is no more than one degree of separation between me and any of the artists on this compilation.

     There were community centers and connections like the L.A.C.E.R. after school arts program where many of the artists on this compilation worked and met. There was Tia Chucha’s, Smoke N Mirrors, S.P.A.R.C., Casa 0101, KillRadio.Org, KPFK and others. The abuelita of them all? Self-Help Graphics. These cultural centers gave a platform for artists in the community, and deserve credit for fostering the incredible music that continues to emerge from the Latin community. The EZLN movement in Chiapas was still fresh in peoples’ minds in the 2000s, and it fostered things, too. It was a revolutionary inspiration in the face of the post 911 America when gentrification began to sweep through the eastside of L.A., and The South Central Farmers were forced off their land to make way for so called “progress.” Bush was president, the country went to war under false pretenses, and we forged a spirit of resistance for new immigrants, Indigenous peoples, urban gardening, art, love, peace, and understanding. Some things change. Some don’t.

     By the 20teens, in the wake of the creative explosion that happened during the 2000s, came a time when the spotlight came back around to this same community with Grammys given to Quetzal and La Santa Cecilia. Latin Electronica game to be included under the larger category of Global Bass. The rise of Subsuelo also came, along with the rising careers of artists like Captain Planet, Rafi El, Buyepongo, Las Cafeteras, The Boogaloo Assassins, and more. My ultimate hope is that we can all see the debt owed to these pioneers of the 2000s, and that we never forget their musical legacy. With 60 million Latinos living in the United States in 2020, the audience for this music ain’t going no where!

     Note: I know some of you out there will be disappointed in the selections I made, and that’s okay. We can only see things from our own perspective and the experiences that inform it., These are the artists that I experienced, and this is just a sampling of some of my favorite songs. If Menoman or Mark Torres did this, you’d probably get a totally different angle. Also, know that I did my best to research all of the artists and tracks listed here, but sometimes that information was not available. In those instances, I had to employ my imperfect memory. You can post a comment to let me know corrections that should be made, or share out who think I should have also included (but remember, only artists with releases during the 2000s). 

Agave Ocotillo (Fósforo - Even The Sun 2005): The trio consisted of three high school friends that grew up in the San Fernando Valley. Proving themselves to be beyond the scope of their peers in both musical and lyrical range, Fósforó penned their sound as Punky Reggae Jungle. Playing with rhythms such as Reggae, Jungle, Drum-n-Bass, Cumbia, Rock and more, vocalist/songwriter Rafi B. of Argentinian and Israeli descent, also sang in English, Spanish and Hebrew. Fósforo would forge an alliance with L.A.’s other Latin Electronica pioneers: Mezklah. Rafi B. would later become DJ/Producer Rafi El for the Dutty Artz label while Cesar Ventura would become a percussionist for the Fania label’s Boogaloo Assassins. The song featured here is a poetic homage to the enduring strength of “La Raza.”

Crazy Baldheads (Quinto Sol - Barrio Roots 2003): The name “Quinto Sol” is Spanish for the “fifth sun,” and it is a reference to the Aztec myth of creation and destruction. The band got their start in 1994, but Barrio Roots was their first full-length album release. Quinto Sol has intimately connected themselves to the Chicano Civil Rights Movement, and they have used Roots Reggae as a vehicle to delve into their own Meztizo roots. Their latest album, Spirits of the Martyrs, was released in 2014.

Chango AraÑa (Mezklah - Spider Monkey 2005): Making their stage debut in 2000, Mezklah emerged as the first Latin Electronica band in North America. Borrowing music from around the globe, singer/songwriter Angel Garcia and guitarist Greg Hernandez forged a sound that was Spanish/Bilingual, but completely different from their contemporaries. They crafted bass heavy electronic rhythms to fuse Cuban Son, Reggae, Drum-n-Bass, Blues, Hard Rock, Psychedelia, Cumbia and more into tightly structured and hook filled socially conscious pop songs ready for the dancefloor. In 2004, they were nominated by L.A. Weekly as the city’s best World Music/Recombinant Artist, and in 2005, they won L.A.’s Battle of The Bands. After one album and an EP, as well as tours in Mexico and the Southwest, Europe and Japan, Mezklah disbanded in 2010. They announced their reformation on KPTZ 91.9 FM in December, 2019. A new album is expected in 2020.

Cumbia de la Flor (East L.A. Sabor Factory - Party At Louie’s 2002): Headed up by frontman Ricky Ray Rivera, the trajectory of East L.A. Sabor Factory was straight up when they first appeared on the scene 1999, but unfortunately, their momentum didn’t carry them far enough. They changed their name after the release of Party At Louie’s, and broke apart shortly thereafter. This track captures the danceable high energy of the band and was a crowd favorite when they played live, but doesn’t feature Rivera’s bilingual rapping. In 2007, Rivera would go on to release a solo album titled Neighborhood Fame.

Nada Mio Es Fake (Los Abandoned - Mix Tape 2006):  No other artist arising in L.A.’s bilingual music community seemed like such a clear bet to wear the glass slipper of success as Los Abandoned. They were sharing the stage with the likes of Café Tacuba, The Breeders, Julieta Venegas, Molotov, and Aterciopelados, and they signed with Neil Young’s Vapor Records in 2005. They released a Christmas single and two EPs before releasing Mix Tape as their first full length album in 2006. The critics loved them, their songs were catchy (the pop song I’m featuring here was not even one of their released singles), and they had a sexy singer. Vocalist Lady P. (Pilar Diaz of Chilean descent) was the primary creative force behind Los Abandoned, and just as their success was in full bloom, she called it quits in 2007. Lady P. has since released two solo albums under the name Maria del Pilar.

Trouble In My Soul (Mexican Dubwiser - Revolution Radio 2010): Before becoming a superstar DJ/Producer duo with Kinky’s Ulises Lozano, Marcelo Tijerina was solo stepping on L.A. as a transplant from Montery Mexico’s Avanzada Regio music scene. This version of the Trouble In My Soul single features San Francisco DJ/Producer Romanowski.

Luna Negra (Olmeca w/Los Cojolites - Self Release 2005): Olmeca should be recognized as one of the hardest working music artists in the Chicano music scene. Placing himself in the same corner as Hip-Hop elder KRS-One, he identifies himself as a music artist, activist, and scholar. In 1999, he joined L.A. band Slowrider. After their 2003 album Historias En Revisión, he stepped out as a solo artist. He has gone on release several albums (including 2019’s Define), toured universities as a guest lecturer, and he is currently faculty at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas in the Interdisciplinary Gender and Ethnic Studies Department. Los Cojolites are a Son Jarocho group from the Mexican state of Veracruz that is often noted for their candid social commentary.

Jarocho Elegua (Quetzal - Sing The Real 2002): Formed by guitarist Quetzal Flores in 1992, the band Quetzal released their eponymously titled debut album in 1998 after vocalist Martha Gonzalez joined the band. Continually fusing social activism with music, Quetzal has received accolades from the world of scholars and activists, as well as receiving the 2013 Grammy for Best Latin Pop, Rock, or Urban Album for their release of Imaginaries.

No Me Te Pido Mas (Domingo Siete - Quitate La Mascara 2005): Martha Gonzalez is not the only one in her family to possess musical talent. Her brother Gabriel Tenorio did just fine for himself as the singer/song-writer/guitarist for Domingo Siete. They toured Europe, they shared the stage with Los Lobos, Cheryl Crow, & Ozomatli, and they released two full length albums. Dame might have been the single that Gabriel would want me to highlight, but this one was always my favorite.

Cuenten Lo (Pe Ere - Demo Collaboration w/producer Rafi Benjamin of Fósforó 2006): Pe Ere was most often seen performing as a duo with Pantera. The two were immigrants from Nigaragua with a passion for Reggaeton. Pe Ere demonstrated great stage presence during his time in the scene, and this song reflects that he was not afraid to try new innovative sounds, but his run was too short. Where are you now, P.R.?

La Sirena (Beatriz Torres - La Sirena E.P. 2002): Produced by her soon to be husband, Angel Garcia of Mezklah fame, this song and E.P. reflect a vibrant new take on Trip-Hop from a Chicana perspective. Torres’ performances incorporated both poetry and performance art. She took the stage across L.A. opening for Mezklah and Fósforó, and she toured Mexico with Mezklah and DJ David BoNobO in 2003. She retired from performing in 2004 with the birth of her first child.

Pa La Paloma (Alquimia Remixed by David BoNobO - Single 2005): Alquimia was a band out of Bogotá, Colombia that featured singer Janio Coronado (he would go on to sing for Sidestepper). DJ/Producer David BoNobO has played parties in Cuba, toured Mexico in 2003, and held residencies in Oaxaca, Mexico in 2005, and 2008. He also shared the stage with the following artists on this compilation: Beatriz Torres, Fitter, Fósforó, Go Betty Go, Mexican Dubwiser, Mezkalah, Olmeca, Pe Ere, Quetzal, Very Be Careful, and Xochisoneros. This song was his first venture into the realm of producing and remixing. How BoNobO, a white guy transplanted to L.A. from Portland, came to be part of this scene is still a matter of great contention and debate.

Celosa feat. Locos Por Juana (Palenke Soultribe - Oro 2009): Palenke Soultribe transplanted to L.A. in 2006 from Bogotá, Colombia. The group initially consisted of producer/bassist Juan Diego Borda and keyboardist/producer Andres “Popa” Erazo, but grew to include a rotating list of musicians collaborating with them as a collective. This track displays one of several connections Miami’s Locos Por Juana made with Angelinos during the 2000s. 

Warriors feat. Will.I.Am - BEP Remix (Burning Star - Eponymous 2003): Upon the release of their debut album, Burning Star said they aimed to “utilize art as a tool for the reconstruction of the community through the participation of community based programs,” and they had the talent and work ethic to back up such an ambitious statement. At one point in time, you could find a vinyl Burning Star sticker on the light post of every intersection or crosswalk in the city of L.A. Despite their hard effort & amazing line-up of musicians, the flame burned out after just one album. Bassist Emilio Saenz went on to play with the Boogaloo Assassins, Drummer Cisco Huete later played drums for Monte Carlo 76, percussionist Gerry Morales went to Spain to study Flamenco guitar and became a featured artist at Subsuelo, Joshua Alvarez did some collaborative work with Black Eyed Peas, and vocalist/keyboardist Quincy McCary has gone on to work with the likes of Quetzal, Bitbull, Mayer Hawthorne, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, and Jack White. In 2019, McCrary released a solo debut under the name Qemistry.

Street Signs (Ozomatli - Street Signs 2004): Street Signs was the title song from Ozomatli’s third studio album, and it followed the success of Embracing The Chaos, the one that earned them the Grammy Award for Best Latin Rock/Alternative Album. Their first studio release came in 1998, and it featured rapper Charli 2na and DJ Cut Chemist, and it put L.A.’s  Latin music scene back on the map internationally. Since then, they have very much been the leaders of the pack. Their eighth studio album Non-Stop: Mexico to Jamaica was produced by Sly & Robbie and released in 2017.

The Garage (Monte Carlo 76 - Marisa 2008): Birthed in 2003 from the remains of keyboardist Gomez Comes Alive and guitarist Jeremy Keller’s former group Slowrider, Monte Carlo 76 painted vignettes of growing up in East L.A. with their lyrics. Behind that was a musical tipping of the hat to classic 70’s Chicano Rock that never sounded retro. Completing two albums during their run with the help of producers Martha Gonzalez and Quetzal Flores of the band Quetzal, Monte Carlo 76 garnered them a L.A. Weekly Music Awards nomination for Best Latin Alternative Band.

The Coconut Tree (Fitter - Through The Green Jungles of Plenty… 2009): Fitter found success and acclaim in El Salvador, the nation their families came from, despite the fact that they were hard to classify. A fiercely innovative rock band, they took frequent influence from Dub Reggae and African music. Guitarist/vocalist/songwriter Wilfredo Mendez was noted for having electrified a traditional folkloric guitar from El Salvador to produce new sounds that had never been heard. They collaborated with Fósforó’s Rafi B., and released two albums in the 2000s. Unfortunately, things came to an end for them when Mendez suffered impairments to his speech and motor skills due to a benign tumor in his brain in 2012. 

Haves And Have Nots (Aztlan Underground - Single 2000): Having roots in East L.A.’s hardcore punk scene of the 1980’s, Aztlan was championed by Rage Against the Machine’s Zack De La Rocha when they released their debut album, Decolonize, in 1995. By the 2000s, they were like the scene’s thundering elders reminding newbies of the need to stay socially conscious with their music through lending their voice to numerous community events such as the Farce of July, and the second protest concert in support of The South Central Farmers. They’ve released three albums and played Mexico, Canada, Australia and Spain. They released the single Black Lives Matter in 2019.

No Hay Perdon (Go Betty Go - Nothing Is More 2005): Formed in Glendale in 2005, this all female group proved that they could rock hard while also being able to compose more melodic ballads. They joined the Vans Warped tour in 2004 and 2005. The track highlighted here features the vocals of Nicolette Vilar who left the band in 2006 and rejoined them in 2012. Their third studio release came in the form of an EP titled Reboot in 2015.

El Hospital (Very Be Careful - Escape Room 2010): They may have started up in NYC in 1997, but this band belongs to L.A. While the style they play is traditional Vallento, they are often credited as the L.A. band that made Cumbia hip again. Formed by brothers Ricardo and Arturo Guzman after being inspired by a trip to visit family in Colombia, the group is comprised of five friends who grew up within blocks of each other, plus the Guzman’s aunt Deicy to helps cover the songwriting duties. Releasing their first full length album in 2001, the VBC have gone on to release seven albums to date. They’ve played the giant Fuji Rock Festival in Japan, and the reknowned Glastonbury Festival in England. Their music may be acoustic, but their shows are rawkus bawdy, and filled with Punk attitude.

El Caballito (Xochisoneros - El Caiman 2003): Formed by musician and anthropologist Hector Marquez and musicologist Efren Luna, Xochisoneros brought a flavor to the scene that was more Mexican and less Angelino. Crafting traditional songs in the styles of Son Huasteco, Son Jarocho, Son Cubano, and Colombian Cumbia, they almost exclusively played community or protest events as they used their musical platform for social justice, and to help to show that Mexico has its place in the lexicon of Carribean music. La Marisol of the Grammy Award winning band La Santa Cecilia was a student of Marquez, and she would join the group while she was still in high school. That was an education that you could not put a price on!

[doomedandstoned]

What Weird Tales We Weave!

During a particularly long and vicious Pacific Northwest winter, I developed a strange affinity for a band called WEIRD TALES. The doom trio of Dima (guitars, vox), Kriss (bass, vox), and Kava (drums) emerged three or four years ago from a part of the world that gets cold, miserable weather ten times as worse as mine. I was never quite sure what to make of the Warsaw band's warped, sloggy sound, made all the more odd with its imposing Gothic vocals and pernicious earworms. All I knew was that Weird Tales had some bad, bad medicine to offer during a time in life when I'd grown pretty jaded and disillusioned. It was, as the well-worn saying goes, just what the doctor ordered.

Before us is the latest and most ambitious effort to date from Weird Tales and I must say it's showing me a brave new side to the band. As 'Hell Services Cost A Lot' (2019) opens, we hear an orchestral crescendo of screeching feedback. Dogs are barking in the background, perhaps to warn lurkers of dangers just beyond the shadows. The band responds with a vicious beating of guitar, bass, and drums. It's an attack we're not used to hearing on doom records and I find it refreshing to break away from the gloom for a chance to vent some good old fashioned aggression. This instrumental preamble eventually gives way to the first words of "Madness" and the record is off to take care of its mischief.

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

I don’t know just who I am I don’t know who is that man He looks on me from the fucking mirror Stares at me and laughs, waiting for you

Voices in my skull come louder and louder Push me to that edge, there's no return Where I put them bones on bloody altar Drinking wine, dancing, waiting for the end

Hey Get out from my brain I don’t need you there Get out from my brain I don’t need you there, I don’t want you there

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

"Crawling Pain" is next and I can't get over just how much the band's style has shaken off that hazy, bummed-out strangeness. Seriously, their first two EPs (both dropped in 2017) are like tripping out on cough syrup. I wanted to review them (really I did), but I struggled with what to even say. You don't talk about the Golden Age of Weird Tales; you live it, man. With Hell Services, it's like the boys woke up after an all-night bender, seized by a sudden rush of early morning adrenaline, grabbed the carpe diem of the day and exclaimed, "You lazy, no good son of a bitch, give me my goddamn money!" I swear, I almost thought I was listening to a different band, like there’d been some big personnel change or something, so different was the state of things. Put another way, if Weird Tales and Shiny Void were a dextromethorphan-soaked dream, Hell Services is like a PCP-fueled nightmare.

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

Here's another thing I didn't expect to hear on a Weird Tales record: the harmonica. I mean it works, but WTF. "LIE" shakes me loose from my comfort zone. I've heard enough doom metal to pretty much know the tricks, the tropes, the whole shebang. I trust Weird Tales have, too, so I'm pretty sure they're pissed off by the whole thing, so they upset the stage coach just enough to keep us guessing (and hanging on for dear life) for the duration of the record. Whether it's for our benefit or theirs, anything's better than boredom, right?

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

By far, my favorite song of the album is "Nightmare." It is indeed a frightening song (my chest seized up a little when I listened to it in complete darkness -- yes, sometimes I do these crazy things just because). I smirked when I read the lyrics sometime later, realizing the band's sardonic humor has not disappeared.

Nasty hands inside the walls They will get you when you are alone Mom and dad can erase your fear Anyway they will not hear your scream

A heavy blanket covers your eyes Every time you see something wrong The world you made seems so pure Seems so pure that you can’t even breathe

Living the nightmare Live in the nightmare

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

Maniacal laughter transitions us from the rabid savagery of "Bitchcrusher" into "Warnings" where Weird Tales really get their "Slomatics" on. I do believe this is the loudest and the largest I've heard them. If I heard this echoing out of my window in the dead of night, I would swear that the pit of hell had been open and Satan's demons were being loosed to troll the hell out of mankind.

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

It’s not until the record’s wild ride comes to a head that we pick up hints of the Weird Tales of old. “Dead Man” is this final number. No wonder. It’s the perfect vehicle to bring a return to sluggish form, though not for long because madness never takes a vacation. Hell Services concludes on a high note with the same bang-up, rip-torn, kick-ass note it started on.

Hell services cost a Lot by Weird Tales

A colleague of mine who deals in more new doom than even I do remarked some weeks back that Hell Services is the best album of the year so far. I'd given it a cursory listen at the time, but hadn't revisited it for months. I swear, my thinking was so cluttered from the traffic jam of new releases from big names and heavy hitters in 2018 that I didn't give as many lesser known bands a fair, focused listen. Good music does not depend on the PR cycle, and thank Christ for that.

All that to say this: the full-length debut from Weird Tales is indeed a good album. No, more than that, it is a great one -- especially when you know how distinguished the Poland scene is with the likes of Dopelord, Major Kong, sunnata, Spaceslug, 71TONMAN, Weedpecker, and BelzebonG. Weird Tales have risen to the occasion with the obstinacy of a punk crew driving a tricked-out Sherman tank.

Hell Services Cost A Lot is an acid-seeped wonder to join the likes of Satori Junk's Golden Dwarf, Three Eyes Left's The Cult of Ashtoreth, Shepherds Crook's Evil Magician, Magmakammer's Mindtripper and other far-out fever dreams.

☠

A Walk on the Weird Side with    Mad Men Dima, Kriss, and Kava

Photographs by Beata Wiśniowska  

Alright, let's do start with a little round of Who's Who?

DIMA:

Okay, there's Kava, our drummer. He had played in Luna Negra, one of the first Polish stoner bands, since 2008. You can find their records on YouTube. A couple tracks still have more viewers than Weird Tales. (laughs)

Next is Kriss, the bassist, who also provides backing vocals. Kriss played in the stoner band Sun Frenzy previously. You should check them out on Bandcamp.

I, of course, am Dima. I’d never played stoner music before -- and thank the gods for that.

How did you guys get together to begin with?

DIMA:

One day, I lost my job for drinking beer on a break and sniffing drugs on my office table -- in official documents they mentioned only liquor. (laughs) So my first thought, besides getting more cheap beers, was to start a doom band. The only right choice, isn't it? The same day, I came to a jam session in order to meet some people to play doom with and in the next couple days met Kava at our first rehearsal. I already had some ideas and riffs, just didn’t have desire to work on it and make structured tracks. I needed like-minded people to share ideas and work on it with others. You know, like in every art. When you're alone, it’s like jerking off. Definitely enjoyable while doing it, but without any sense. With Kava, we smoked couple of bowls while listening Ufomammut and agreed about the direction we should go as a band.

Kriss came later. Actually, he’s our fourth bassist. He is a crazy motherfucker! And he was our biggest fan in a town. (laughs) Visited all our gigs. When his band broke up, we were looking for a new bassist, so offered him a tryout. After a couple of rehearsals, we knew that he was exactly what we were looking for. It’s really easy to play with a guy who likes your music and knows what it's all about. So we found a common language really quick. He's got a really cool groove. Have I mentioned yet that he’s a crazy motherfucker? We rehearsed a couple of old and new songs, then headed right out on tour.

Kriss and Kava, what got the two of you into this kind of music?

KRISS:

It has to be Satan, I guess, but I don't believe in Satan -- and that’s weird.

KAVA:

The Devil, alcohol, drugs, good fun, girls.

Fair enough. What it's like to live and grow up in your neck of the woods?

KRISS:

I grew up like a long time ago and it was nothing like “growing up today.” Back in the day, we had stationary phones and not so much surveillance cameras. So you can guess it was easier to get away with some stupid ideas, as they were executed. I don't envy all that stuff kids have now. They have to cope with a lot more control. And about growing up in Poland as a country? Hmm, I guess it's like growing up every elsewhere. Every country have it pros and cons. The important thing is “who you are, not where you grew up.”

KAVA:

I live in small town near Warsaw. Nothing to do. You need to support yourself or work in fabric -- or you can just drink and smoke. One day, I met some crazy guys and tried to do the band. Of course, it was more alcohol and fun in the beginning.

I'm curious about some of the things that have shaped you both as musicians and humans.

KRISS:

I guess we don't have time for like a biography here, so I'll make it simple. Life and music are all tied up in each other for me, in the little things that drive a person into doing it over and over again. You just try to stay busy with a lot of different things so that you don’t get caught up in boredom. I guess it’s the best way of sizing up both my life and my music.

KAVA:

I pay some heavy shit for the devil and, of course, some old girlfriends, old movies, Black Sabbath albums, and shitty albums, too.

What's the significance of your name, Weird Tales?

DIMA:

Come on, man. That would be too easy! Often people ask us, "Is it from H.P. Lovecraft?" No. Actually, I don’t know where it came from! I always write down some ideas and phrases that I like on a paper. I got a lot of notes strewn all over my apartment. I can’t find anything I need in this chaos, but sometimes find something better than I was looking for. So one of the phrases I happened upon in this mess was "Weird Tales" and it fit the best.

The other most frequent question we get: "Did you take your name from the Electric Wizard song called 'Weird Tales'?" To which I say: I don’t know and fuck you for those stupid questions. It doesn’t matter. I just found it on a little piece of paper in my house and was never interested in where it came from.

We had some songs ready and they were about surreal stuff when you can't distinguish real life from a bad trip. Those songs have an interesting structure, unusual riffs changes. Each one was different and the name Weird Tales was good from every point of view. Lyrically and musically, we like when a song has a plot, and in the future we will continue writing songs that tell strange stories about strange shit happening. Thus, Weird Tales. Ironically, our English is pretty sucky and we can’t even properly pronounce "Weird Tales." (laughs)

Not to ramble, but I'm curious about the difference stylistically between your first two EP's and the LP. The early stuff seems quite blithe and depressive, makes me feel like I do when I have "medicine head." The new stuff is another beast entirely, like someone who has just snapped out of a weeklong bender on rubies.

KRISS:

And that I guess is my fault -- not all, of course, but I like to think that I had some serious influence, especially on this one. Those first two EPs were recorded with another bassist. I was invited to a band just before they planned to record their first album. I've seen these guys perform like a lot times before and I saw something “special” about their music, something -- as I was constantly repeating when I met them after their gigs -- “that no one wants to do in their bands, but so interesting that it’s not supposed to be lost at any point.” So when we finally got together, I tried not to change “their way,” but to “commemorate” it and add as much power and passion into it as only I was able to do. And, of course, Dima is the first one who supposed to answer this question, because he is mostly responsible for those sick-minded sounds. (laughs) Nobody knows what he's got on his mind next, when comes to writing music.

DIMA:

You know, when you write music you don't think much about the kind of style you're going write, except you do not assume from the beginning that you want to write another stoner-doom album about witches. You don't want to be another one to vomit on the music map, just to show that you are represented in a theme. So I just write and play what I want now, which feels like a more natural process. I want to play these kind of sounds now, because it has its place to be here and now in that shape. Of course, it’s coming from life experience, as a way to share your emotions and feelings which have internal roots and act in response to external factors. I'm trying to share that shit in a metaphorical and allegorical way.

Weird Tales (EP) by Weird Tales

I fucking like your interpretation of our EPs and this stylistic difference between them and the LP. You got the point of the message. I like to read the opinions of people who have really found something in our music. Then I compare it to what's been sitting in my head -- stuff I couldn't wrap into words, so I made music to say it. (laughs) It's like reverse feedback to me. I can better understand myself, as a result.

I interpret the changes between our EPs and this album similarly to how you articulated it. It's like you are on acid and have a bad trip. When the bad trip is at its peak, your ego dies and you have this apathetic feeling -- the Weird Tales EP -- and when your bad trip starts to calm down, you have so much energy and feel so good that this shit is over. You understand that this experience will stay with you 'till you die, but for now you have returned to a planet that did you not hope for. So you starting having fun, drinking vodka, and sniffing speed 'till that psychedelic vibe smoothly slides away from you skin and is replaced with a pleasant fire. That is the feeling associated with Hell Services Cost A Lot for me. Sad songs played with a lot of fun.

And your second EP, 'Shiny Void'?

DIMA:

Oh, it’s similar to first one, but this time the bad trip is not coming unexpected. You involve it with full understanding of what will happen now, in order to dive into this madness, hoping to find something there.

Shiny Void (EP) by Weird Tales

What is the background of the new album and how does it fit with your overall evolution as a band?

DIMA:

Nothing special. Some old stories about doing drugs that leaves a trail on your mind, as every honorable man has done a time or two. Also, other mental issues that we probably should tell to psychiatrists, instead of a music journalist.

From musical composition side of things, it was really fun. After we finished our second EP, we already had drafts of a couple songs. The songwriting process was quick as ever. I brought riffs and ideas to a rehearsal and we jammed and quickly agreed with the way a track should go. Even uncommon ideas were quickly accepted by everyone.

We changed bassists while writing this album. Surprisingly, it didn’t slow down the process, because Kriss is a really good fit for Weird Tales. Also we tried to play with a second guitar, because we heard richer arrangements. We even did a tour together with an additional guitarist. But anyway, now we are a trio again. You can hear those second guitar arrangements on Hell Services Cost a Lot -- most of them I now playing alone. It complicates the process a little, but not critically. The most important thing that we three feel great together and have a lot of fun while playing loud and heavy. We share that energy while on stage with audience.

Walk us through each of the songs on the new album and please share anything you can about their meaning.

DIMA:

It’s simple. We've got six tracks about Satan and one about the sea. (laughs) Seriously, though, I’m glad you ask, because it’s a concept album. You absolutely can receive it as you like, it’s cool. But directly or indirectly, the album tells the story of one poor fool. And this guy is a crazy fuck! He definitely needs help, 'cause his mind is drooling without stopping. He has visions and hallucinations, bipolar all the way. And this guy feels that pain all the time. That kills him from deep inside, and the thing is that he doesn’t know is this pain real or not. But it doesn’t matter at all, 'cause he feels it burns him like fire. Of course, this guy has some problems with drugs.

"Nightmare" shows us that his troubles are deeper than it maybe seems. He is still being persecuted by the shit from childhood. He tries to escape from it and makes his own safe reality that certainly will collapse. So that crazy fuck is a poor fool who certainly needs help, though most of his troubles actually come from his own decisions. No...no. Actually, he crossed the line a long time ago. This fuck slays women behind the garbage bins. And in parks, too. Crushes those bitches all the time. Then he fucks their cold bodies -- or not? If you want, he could. So he does all those disgusting kills and slays for the Gods of Death. Making altars from the limbs and trying to find a blessing and freedom from his pain.

The surrealistic pressure in the album grows the most in "Warnings”. He doesn’t understand entirely what is going on. He's tunneled right through to the other side, seeking to fall even further.

On the last track, “Dead Man,” he's killed himself. Only good decisions for such scum like him. He drowned himself in water. And remember that it’s just six tracks about Satan and one about the sea.

No classic Milton or Dante references in your doom, I take it?

DIMA:

There are none. We think film and literature references just suck. And we actually have one track on our 2nd EP that has its lyrics based on a movie, so we suck. (laughs) But again, if seriously, it’s okay if you got some idea from a movie and interpret it in your own way. It’s applicable in art, but it sucks when you straight retell the plot of a movie or book.

Every song on Hell Services Cost a Lot could be taken in a few different ways. Everyone is god. You could receive every track separately or like a part of complex story. There are a couple of true stories about self-issues and shit from real life, mixed up with some fictional stories and told in a way that contain some thoughts, deep or not really. (laughs) We like when there is something more besides straight storytelling -- something that fucking voice in your head tells you to desire.

What's the strangest or darkly funny thing that you've witnessed while gigging?

KRISS:

There are a lot of things that happen at concerts and events. I don't even know where to start, so I’d rather tell you about what are, in my opinion, some of the funniest misconceptions about playing music live. Everybody that I know, who doesn't really have an idea about what it looks like to play concerts or to go touring, thinks it's like something out of a movie. You know, doing cocaine from groupies' asses in a big tour bus, chugging on a bottle of JD or vodka from morning 'till evermore. They don't know that it's like all waiting. You’re on your way to a place and you’re waiting in an overstuffed car. When you finally get there, you’re waiting for the sound engineer, waiting for your time to soundcheck, then waiting for the event to start, waiting for your turn to take the stage, etcetera, etcetera.

Concert Footage by Viktor Chaikovskyi

You can, of course, fill those time gaps with some buzz or other “stuff,” but not too much or it will ruin your show. And when you finish your gig, it's time to pack your stuff back up and more waiting ahead as you get on the road again. Maybe “bigger bands” would have more things to do, but at this point for me it's all waiting. (laughs) And as like-to-be-busy man like me, boring is the most dangerous thing 'cause a lot of stupid ideas come to my mind -- especially under influence.

KAVA:

Our merch table is very funny. You can get some fresh fish or vegetables! We have some new ideas for the shows, but it's secret and too crazy for now. (laughs)

You all seem to have a pretty irreverent attitude and dark sense humor.

KRISS:

Oh shit, you got me! (laughs) But take a look around. If anybody takes this world seriously, I really start to feel pity for him. If he's taking life dead seriously, it begins to even get scary. If you look from a good distance at all the stuff that happens around us, it looks ridiculous and doesn't seem to matter at all. A bunch of pretty primitive creatures jumping around, fighting for better resources to get more mating opportunities.

It's as basic as it's always been, but people seem to turn that basic lifestyle into an “all-meaningful soap opera.” As they try to cover their animal-based foundation, it getting funnier and funnier. It's not like I want to see people walking around like caveman-style dudes, but developing serious issues from “not getting enough attention on internet” or taking a loan to buy the newest version of a mobile phone? Man, that's sick. And I'm I don't even know where to begin with religion: just leave it. At some point in our lives, everybody dies and the point to it is supposed to be hanging the bar higher for those that come after us. With that said, let's not get caught up into it too seriously, I guess.

KAVA:

Yeah, people sometimes don't get it, especially when you talk about somebody's mother-sister wet dreams

Finally, what do you like to do for work and hobbies when you're not involved in Weird Tales?

KRISS:

I do a lot of stuff. I have to be busy all the time. Like all the time, man. Otherwise, I freefall into a black hole of nothingness and self-hatred for wasting “time given me on this earth.” So I draw, paint, cook, do handmade-DIY-style-stuff, and music above all of that. And somewhere on the bottom of the list, there is “work” to pay for all of those hobbies. I would like music to pay my bills eventually, but we're not living in a dream world. (laughs) Maybe someday.

KAVA:

All day I try to figure out rhythms for Dima’s new riffs and cook some fresh meat.

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[transcendent-paras]

Basic Info on My Paracosm

Don’t interact if you are not a MaDDer or an immersive daydreamer

I’m using paracosm lightly cause it’s like... mirrored thisverse? mirrored and slightly to the left with my paras added in, you know? I went from having paracosms with whole galaxies and gods and languages to thisverse 2.0.

Background/About Me: I'm a closeted trans male. Recently I’ve been hyperfocusing on music - specifically "alternative" music like punk, metalcore, rock, emo, etc  as well as kpop - and it's affected my paracosm. My current paracosm is a Trans punk rock band focusing on one band named Transcendent, and has Incorporated many of the bands I listen to into it. 

Original Paras: 

Parame - Michè Valentino: Lead singer, Pianist, Song writer. Trans male in his 20s, adopted by a family in the UK and has two older brothers. His middle brother is highkey based off  the kpop group *XO’s (to avoid this coming up in the tags) leader Su*o, and he is also in a band very similar to *XO. Michè fell in love with one of *XO’s members but because of the large age gap it was unrequited. Eventually Michè went to study abroad and moved to New York city and met his best friend and later boyfriend Ashley Nolans. Shortly after high school Ashley and Michè moved in together.

Ashley Nolans: Backing vocalist and screams/growls, Lead guitarist. A year older than Michè, he is a former myspace & later instagram drag king when he saw a drag queen at a mall. Slowly he realized he identified as a trans male instead of a drag king. His family was supportive of his whole journey and let him do what he felt comfortable doing, though they did manage his myspace since he was very young. Michè moved to Ashley’s high school and they were in the same music class. Ashley took Michè to his first pride parade. Ashley is slightly insecure that Michè will leave him for the *XO member he had a crush on, but Ashley never brings it up or lashes out/acts on it.

Nikki Archer: Bass Guitarist, Composer. Nikki is agender and has always identified as such even with out knowing anything about gender identities as a child. Their uncle took them to many rock and punk concerts growing up, and bought them their first bass for their 13th birthday, that Nikki still has but has retired it so it doesn’t get damaged on tour. Nikki’s uncle is the most understanding member of the family about their gender, but their parents try to be accepting and not ignorant. Nikki and Emilynn were Vice President and President of their high school’s LGBT Club. Though they went to the same school as Ashley they never met him and graduated before Michè started going there. Nikki and Emilynn dated for a while in high school but decided they were better as close platonic friends.

Emilynn Kay: Drummer, Leader. Emilynn is the oldest member, 5 years older than Michè and is a trans woman. She grew up in the south originally and not only had to deal with racism as a poc, but didn’t even dream of coming out to anyone besides her parents. Eventually her parents decided it would be best for her if they moved. When they moved up to New York she was able to dress the way she wanted and easily took her gender in stride. Of course she had harsher comments and bullying than white trans kids or cis black kids at her school she never changed who she was to fit in. She did percussion in the marching band and acted in theater often. She naturally took on a motherly role to other LGBT kids in the school, especially but not limited to younger trans kids, and they voted for her to be president of the club. She met Michè and Ashley at a pride parade very nervous to admit to being trans and she took them under her wing. When she realized she had a group of trans friends who all were into the same type of music and could play instruments she suggested forming a band.

Alexandria Woods: Rhythm Guitarist, Violinist, Newest Member. Alexandria realized at the start of high school she identified more feminine than masculine and after research felt Demi-girl described her the most. Her friends in high school helped her express herself while remaining closeted, especially from her parents. Her family were for the most part very kind and she got along with them on every issue except for gender. Meanwhile Alexandria also had a youtube channel that she posted guitar and violin covers on, gaining a respectable fan base on various platforms. Michè discovered her when she did a cover of a Transcendent song and he followed her on twitter. One day when she was 16, a cousin discovered one of her skirts in her closet and outted her to her parents, getting her kicked out and they have not spoken since. Alexandria made a tweet that she would have to put a pause on covers until she could find a place to live, and Michè swooped in asking if she need a place to live. After living with Michè and Ashley for a while, the band had a meeting and agreed that Alexandria would be a perfect fit in the band. The fans and later the members joke that Alexandria is Michè and Ashley’s daughter. Fans immediately loved Alexandria as a member of the band, especially since many of them had know of her in vlogs with the band and members retweeting her covers often.

Celebrity paras (censored so it doesnt show in tumblrs search results, if you cant figure out the * feel free to pm me or ask me off anon!): 

*XO: Originally in a past paracosm they were as themselves and a slightly different parame was just friends with them, but over time i latched onto the leader Su*o and started to see him as a brother figure. Not wanting to do culture appropriation I warped them from kpop to western music and made it so Michè was adopted by Su*o’s family. Nearly everything about them is the same including names and achievements, past members, and music. Because I actually know Korean there is no language barrier in music so it doesn’t bother me that they are supposed to be a uk based band and they sing in korean in thisverse, but in paracosm it is ‘in english’. The member that Michè is in love with is Ch****ol

Bl*ck Veil Br*d*s: Ashley and Michè bonded over a love for the band, and later got Emilynn and Nikki into them. Transcendent went from playing basement shows to being signed under Republic Records and it’s subsidiary Lava records, the same labels as B*B. Since they do a similar style music under the same label they crossed paths a few times in company, at warped tour, and eventually Transcendent did a few opening sets for B*B. They became close, and have talked about doing some sort of collaboration. 

P*l*y* R*y*l*: Alexandria really looked up to them, and was beyond ecstatic meeting them backstage at warped tour. The two bands have hung out a few times and they are very supportive of each other on social media. 

Other bands here and there that show up occasionally: P**rc* the v**l, f*ll*ng in r*v*rs* (michè has gotten into verbal arguments with r*nn*e a few times but they don’t hate eachother), my ch*****l romance, as ** is, sh*n*e (kpop).

Transcendent’s Music: 

Respect Existence - First album: Overall theme of the album is celebrating differences and who you are, with elements of punk rock, speed metal, and experimental rock. Usually when daydreaming about this era I listen to B*B’s album Set The World on Fire and P*V’s Collide With The Sky which is sort of the instrumental vibe I picture this album being. After this was released they were sighed under lava records

Who came first - Album: cover album dedicated to bands that influenced Transcendent’s music style. First album with Alexandria. Most recent album, and brought them further into the limelight, being a more recognizable alternative band. 

I’m Not Okay (originally by m*r)

Misery Business (originally by param***)

But It’s Better If You Do (originally by p!*td)

I Don’t Care (originally by f*b)

21 Guns (originally by gr**n d*y)

Bulls In The Bronx (originally by p*v) 

If You Can’t Hang (originally by s*s)

Don’t Feel Quite Right (originally by p*l*y* r*y*l*)

The Drug In Me Is You (originally by f*r)

10 Miles Wide (originally by es****e the f**e)

Can You Feel My Heart (originally by b**h)

The Legacy (originally by b*b)

Expect Resistance - Upcoming album: companion piece to Respect Existence (not a repackage album). Not only does it celebrate your differences but also a call to action to be unapologetically you and to ‘form a resistance’ against those who hold you back. I usually listen to B*B’s album vale and Agai*** me!’s song teenage anarchist when thinking about this time. My paras are trying to see if they can get any collaborations with different artists, Michè especially wants to have his brother on one of the songs.

[lespetitesmortsde]

Bechloe prompt! I can always hear you singing Phantom of the Opera so I decided to sing the duet with you.

Every single time Chloe comes back from her run, she pulls her earbuds out just before she gets to her next-door neighbour’s hedge. When she first moved in several months ago, she discovered that her neighbour liked to sing.

And to boot, the neighbour was actually really good.

So whenever Chloe passes by, she tries to listen and see if there’s a song to hear. There was a week where the neighbour was just cycling through pop-punk emo bands of the 2000s. Another where it was movie soundtracks. This week, surprisingly, the neighbour seems to be stuck on The Phantom of the Opera. Yesterday she was singing to “The Music of the Night” and the day before it was “Silent.”

Chloe wondered what today would bring.

As she slowed to a walk, she could hear the neighbour’s alto:

“You have come hereIn pursuit of your deepest urgeIn pursuit of that wish which till now has been silentSilent.”

Chloe stops, and has to work to pick her jaw up off the floor because this song is Chloe’s favourite from the opera, and her neighbour, surprisingly but also not at all, is nailing it. The huskiness of her voice, the emotion, the power, it was all absolutely on point.

And Chloe is a romantic, who believes in first love at first sight and the idea of soulmates and of just knowing when something is meant to be, so as she listens to her neighbour, whom she’s never met due to the sheer height of the hedge and her neighbour’s apparent desire for privacy, she falls in love.

It’s not at first sight or first listen or even tenth listen, but it feels right and Chloe is left buzzing with energy at her newfound feelings, unsure of where to channel it all.

“I have brought youThat our passions may fuse and mergeIn your mind, you’ve already succumbed to me.”

Chloe walks closer to the hedge, hesitantly reaches out a hand to touch some of the greenery, imagines she’s finally meeting the owner of the voice.

“Dropped all defenses, completely succumbed to meNow you are here with me, no second thoughtsYou’ve decided, decided.”

Like it’s prophetic, Chloe makes a decision as well. Despite wanting to see how the alto handles the high second part of the duet, Chloe knows from countless shower singing sessions that she can hit those notes, and decides that today is the day she finally gets to see her soulmate.

“Past the point of no returnNo backward glancesThe games we’ve played till now are at an endPast all thought of ‘if’ or ‘when’No use resistingAbandon thought and let the dream descend.”

Softly, Chloe sighs as the woman sings Chloe’s favourite lines from the song.

“What raging fire shall flood the soul?What rich desire unlocks its door?What sweet seduction lies before us,Past the point of no return;The final threshold?”

Chloe smooths her shirt around her waist and wipes the sweat off of her brow as she readies herself to help destiny along. She moves quietly along the hedge and rests when she gets to the large wooden panel door that separates her from the singer.

“What warm, unspoken secrets will we learnBeyond the point of no return?”

And then Chloe, loving, carefree, spontaneous and indulgent Chloe, jumps in with both feet, and sings loudly from the outside of the hedge.

“You have brought me,” Chloe begins.

She swears she hears a mumbled “what the fuck,” from the neighbour, but she continues anyway.

“To that moment where words run dryTo that moment where speech disappears into silenceSilenceI have come hereHardly knowing the reason why.”

She knows she hears movement right on the other side of the door. She can hear the rustling, can feel the pressure the alto exerts upon the door, and so she works harder to reach the highs, to hold the notes.

“In my mind, I’ve already imagined our bodies entwining, defenseless and silentAnd now I am here with you, no second thoughtsI’ve decided, decidedPast the point of no returnNo going back nowOur passion play has now at last begunPast all thought of right or wrongOne final question:How long should we two wait before we’re one?”

Even though the question is in the song, it’s the question in Chloe’s mind, too, in a way. How long do they have to wait before they meet? Will the gate open, or will it remain shut? So Chloe sings her last solo lines as best as she can, like everything is riding upon them because maybe, in a way, everything is.

“When will the blood begin to raceThe sleeping bud bursts into bloom?When will the flames at last consume us?”

She takes a breath. This is where she’ll know if they’re going to meet or not. If the alto joins in for the final verse, the one they’re supposed to sing together, then that’s it. That’s destiny. Chloe lays a palm flat against the gate and hopes to hear a harmony on the breeze.

“Past the point of no return,” and Chloe is giddy to hear another voice join hers. She works hard to keep the smile from her voice in this deeply serious song.

“The final thresholdThe bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burnWe’ve passed the point of no return.”

And Chloe waits. Once the note dies off and once she catches her breath, still, she waits, because as far as she can tell, the neighbour hasn’t moved from the door either.

Chloe waits.

And waits.

Until finally, she is done waiting, and she sings to the melody of their song, “Haven’t we passed the point of no return?”

Her nerves melt away when she’s rewarded with a throaty chuckle from the other side. The latch of the gate clinks as it’s unlocked, and Chloe holds her breath.

She doesn’t know whom she was expecting to unlock the gate. Maybe an ethnically ambiguous, average height woman, who, yeah, just kind of looked all around average.

She never expected, not in a billion years, for eight-time Grammy winner Beca Mitchell to be standing in front of her.

“Um, hi,” Beca says, leaning against the open door. “Nice to meet your voice?”

Chloe stammers like she’s forgotten how to breathe, let alone speak, and what eventually comes out is the fully-awed, “You’re more gorgeous than your voice.”

Beca blushes and stares at Chloe’s face, which gradually reddens as her words catch up to her. “Thanks?”

Chloe nods, drinking in the beautiful and talented woman before her, and then she snaps out of it, like it doesn’t matter that this is the Beca Mitchell in front of her. All that matters is that they’re meant to be. “Hi, sorry, my name’s Chloe.”

Smiling, Beca offers her hand. When Chloe takes it, Beca says, “Nice to meet you, Chloe.”

It is only then that Chloe notices the earbuds around Beca’s neck. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, did I interrupt your music?”

Beca looks at her incredulously before full-on chortling right in front of her. To Chloe’s confused and questioning head tilt, Beca responds, “Dude, you belted that song like nobody’s business and you’re worried you interrupted my music?” Chloe’s eyes widen and she nods slightly.

Again, Beca laughs. “You were good! Better than Emmy Rossum, perhaps, at least then. Maybe not now,” Beca turns pensive. “Dunno, though, haven’t had the chance to work with her lately.”

“I couldn’t resist,” Chloe admits. At Beca’s own inquisitive eyebrow raise, Chloe answers, “I run by here almost everyday and I always hear you singing.” She rushes to add, “You’re really good by the way,” but Beca just waves off the compliment. “Anyway, usually you don’t stick to anything for too long, maybe a genre, but never, like, just one thing, but you’ve been stuck on Phantom this whole week, and then you sang my favourite song, and I just couldn’t help myself.”

Beca’s stare is piercing and calculating. “So you had no idea who I was before right now?”

Chloe shakes her head. “Honestly didn’t have a clue. I wouldn’t have made such a fool of myself if I’d known.”

“Hey now,” Beca says, “You definitely did not make a fool of yourself, dude. Like I said, you were awesome.” Her voice trails off.

“Oh, um, thank you. You know, that means a lot from you,” Chloe says, and then because she really can’t help herself, “I mean, I know I’m not bad at singing. I’m actually pretty good. In university I was co-captain of an a cappella group.”

Beca snorts, “Sorry, I forget that there really was a period of time when a cappella was popular.

“Hey!” Chloe reprimands playfully. “It takes a lot of skill to emulate other instruments!”

“Sure, but also, you could just use the instruments and save yourself a whole lot of trouble.”

Chloe huffs with fake indignation and then Beca’s piercing stare returns.

“What do you do?” Beca asks, still clearly evaluating her.

“Oh, I teach music at the elementary school on Harlon Street,” Chloe answers. “That’s why I can usually go for a run at four, although technically I could go any time these days.”

Beca looks lost, so Chloe adds, “Because summer vacation just started. I have like two months of freedom before I get back.”

“Do you know why I’m listening to Phantom so much?” Beca asks in what Chloe assumes is a rhetorical manner. Until Beca seems to be waiting somewhat patiently for a response.

“Nope,” Chloe says.

“They’ve asked me to do a remake, since it’s been like twenty years since the last rehashing. I told them I’d have to think about it, have to figure out if there’s a way to make it fresh again.”

Chloe gears up instantly, “Whoa, it’s timeless!”

Immediately, Beca brings up both hands to placate Chloe. “Okay, yes, but what could a new remake do that hasn’t been done before, I mean, you know?”

Somewhat appeased, Chloe allows it. “What can you do?”

A glint appears in Beca’s eyes as she smiles widely. “I think we can make it queer, is what we can do,” Beca answers bluntly. Before Chloe can respond, Beca’s already continued, “And I think you’re perfect for it.”

Flabbergasted, Chloe sputters, “What?”

“Play Christine in the remake with me,” Beca says.

Chloe shakes her head, violently, “No, no, there have got to be, like, professional actors and better singers, and—”

“It doesn’t matter,” Beca interrupts. “You’d be perfect for it.”

“Seriously, I have to go back to class in two months,” Chloe tries again to dissuade her.

Beca shakes her head. “If you really don’t want to, I won’t force you, of course,” she says. “But think about it, you could take the experience to help the kids you teach, maybe be able to subsidize the small amounts of money teachers get to outfit classrooms.”

“Plus,” Beca adds, almost as an after thought, “We’d have to spend a bunch of time together.”

“We would?” Chloe asks, and then curses herself for making it seem like she’s actually considering it.

“Well, yeah,” Beca says. “I’m supposed to be the Phantom and I’d be around the set and stuff.”

“You’d be playing the Phantom?” Chloe repeats.

Beca nods. “Yeah. Like I said, I’m into the idea of making the remake queerer and this,” she gestures to the two of them, “would definitely do the trick.”

Upon registering Chloe’s uncertainty, Beca attempts to backpedal, “Unless of course, that’s an issue for you.”

“It’s not an issue for me,” Chloe says immediately. “It’s just that I really do need to be back in class in two months.”

Beca waves off Chloe’s concerns. “No problem,” she assures, “they already have the pre-production done. We could start next week and have you done in six weeks, seven tops.”

“Jesus, you’re serious, aren’t you?” Chloe asks, utterly shocked.

“I am,” Beca agrees. “So what do you say, Chloe?” She smiles widely and throws a flirty wink Chloe’s direction. “Will you go past the point of no return with me?”

“Um, I, well—”

Beca cuts in, “When else are you going to get an opportunity like this?”

“I suppose that’s true,” Chloe hedges.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t mind spending a little more time with you,” Beca confesses lowly, stuffing her hands into her pockets.

“Okay, I’m in,” Chloe says, surprised to hear the words come out of her own mouth. But then again, this is the kind of spontaneity she lives for, and she has a serious case of love brewing for Beca. It’s a combination of the distanced adoration she’d held for Beca before she knew Beca was her neighbour, but also with the appreciation and love-at-first-harmony thing she had going with her neighbour, before she knew it was Beca.

“Yeah?”Beca says, surprised.

Chloe nods resolutely. “I’m all the way in, Becs,” Chloe says.

“That didn’t take nearly as much convincing as you made me think it would,” Beca comments.

“One life to live and all that jazz,” Chloe returns.

“Do you want to come in and we can talk about it? I can order food?” Beca asks, stepping to the side of her gate.

Chloe grimaces, “I’d love to, but I’d also really love to shower.”

“No problem,” Beca says easily. “Interestingly, I do own a shower.”

Blushing, Chloe can’t keep herself from indulging just the littlest bit in what it would be like to shower in Beca Mitchell’s home. “While that sounds lovely, I also have a shower and I live right next door… in my house… that has my clothes and stuff?” She doesn’t know why she turns her comment into a question, but Beca laughs.

“Okay, Chloe, that’s chill.”

“I can still come over to chat, though? In like thirty minutes?” Chloe asks.

“Sounds good,” Beca says. As Chloe takes a step toward her house, Beca’s voice makes her turn around: “The offer stands, though, for future reference.”

Chloe decides that maybe what she really needs is a cold shower.

[get-fcking-reddie]

Can you please write something where Eddie is a huge punk from when he reveled after the whole placebo thing and Richie never got out of his Hawaiian fase, cause nobody every writes stuff like this.

So, I pictured all of them wearing some horrible 90s clothing in this. :p

“You’re not seriously wearing that tonight, are you?” Beverly groaned when she saw 

Richie had never been into fashion. Not because he thought he was too cool to keep track of trends; he knew exactly which songs were in the top 40 or which movies were playing at the cinema that week. He just had no idea what would look good on him and what wouldn’t. He had never really dared to venture beyond his iconic Hawaii shirts much to Beverly’s dismay. Most people assumed that he wore them ironically and Richie decided to roll with that. It was easier to pretend that he dressed like a walking disaster on purpose than to actual make an effort to look good and fail.

“You’re not seriously wearing that to the party, are you?” Beverly groaned when she saw Richie’s outfit of choice. He was wearing an orange hawaii shirt underneath a pink and blue neon coloured windbreaker, and some baggy jeans.

“What do you mean? I look fly as fuck!” Richie said, flexing his non-existent muscles. He looked at Stan for support, but he just rolled his eyes. Stan wasn’t exactly one to talk either. He just wore slacks and button-ups, because those never went out of style. 

“What about this whole thing says ‘underground rave’ to you?” Beverly asked. Now Richie had been waiting for this question, so he stomped his feet with a smug look on his face and his sneakers lit up. Bevelry sighed and rolled her head back. “They’re never gonna invite us again.” 

“Why do you care so much about these punks anyway?” Richie asked.

“Because the punk scene is blowing up and as a fashion major I need to be on top of that before it goes mainstream.” 

“Whatever, Cindy Lauper, let’s just go.” 

The party was a half hour drive out of town in an abandoned warehouse. The city was going to tear it down next week, so no one really cared if a bunch of college students started the job for them.

They were definitely not the first people there and even the parking lot was crawling with people. Richie saw a lot of leather, piercings, studs, and multi-coloured hair. He could hear the familar sound of shredding guitar tearing through the warehouse.

“Here is the plan, guys, we need to divide and conquer.” Richie said, draping his arms over Stan and Bev’s shoulders. “Bev, you’ve got Haystack waiting at home, so you’re strictly going after those fashion tips, but Stanny and I need to get laid because it’s been a while.”

“Speak for yourself.” Stan snorted.

“Foreign chicks don’t count, Staniel, that’s too easy. They don’t speak a word of English and all they want is some all-american cock.”

“Lori is Canadian, you dickweed.”

“Exactly.”

“Okay, that’s enough you two.” Beverly interjected before Richie really managed to rile Stan up. “Sounds like both of you could use some action tonight. We’ll split up and mingle. Meet me on the dancefloor if you’re lonely.”

She winked at the boys and disappeared into the crowd of punks. Richie admired how Bev managed to look at home wherever she went. 

“I bet you ten bucks that I can get more phone numbers tonight.” Richie said, and a slow smirk made its way onto Stan’s face. He was never one to back down from a bet.

“Twenty.” 

The two boys shook hands and then went their separate ways. Stan went into the direction of the stage while Richie walked over to the improvised bar. 

He tried to start a conversation with several girls and boys that went to get drinks, but most of them gave him one look and ignored him. He guessed that Bev had been right about the outfit. Maybe he was able to get away with it on campus where he was generally seen as the class clown anyway, but here he just stuck out like a sore thumb. After a particular nasty glance from a girl with a purple mohawk, Richie decided that he had had enough for now. He supposed he was going to have to pay Stan twenty bucks after tonight. Fuck.

Richie didn’t want to spend more money on overpriced beer that wasn’t even cooled, so he decided to go for a smoke. Maybe he was able to chat someone up if there wasn’t a band playing over him. Talking was his strong suit anyway when it came to picking up guys and girls.

The evening air was chilly and he wished he hadn’t left his windbreaker in the car. His shirt didn’t offer much protection against the cold. Richie rubbed his arms as he looked around for a friendly face. He noticed a boy smoking by himself in black jeans with chains on it and a studded leather jacket. 

“Got a light?” Richie asked, fishing a cigarette out of his pocket. The boy fumbled around for his lighter a bit and then turned around to help Richie.

“Here you go.” He said, moving to light Richie’s cigarette that was hanging from his lips. In the dim light of the fire, Richie could see the boy’s hazel eyes and the freckles on his nose. No matter the spiked up hair, or the smudged eyeliner, or the cross dangling from his right earlobe, he knew that face through and through.

“Eddie?” 

The cigarette fell from his lips and was quickly forgotten.

“Richie.” Eddie’s face lit up but then went serious again as he looked at his beaten-up boots.

“I can’t believe you’re here too! And you smoke? Since when did that happen? And when did all of the rest happen?” Richie said, gesturing wildly at the clothes Eddie was wearing.

“Since college I guess. I got away from my mom and I found out my medication was all bullshit. I don’t even have fucking ashtma, never had. I guess I wanted to change after that, to take some risks and really live, you know?” Eddie ran a hand through his spiked-up hair and shrugged sheepishly.“You would have known if we had stayed in touch. 

Richie felt a sting in his heart. He hated that the losers club had split up. They all knew that it would be hard to stay in touch after they moved away to different colleges. But, he didn’t think any of them could have predicted that that summer would be the last time they saw each other. He only talked to Bev, Stan, and Ben because they went to the same university.

“I’m really sorry about that…”

“Don’t be, it’s my fault too.” Eddie scuffed his shoes. 

Richie rubbed his arms again. He felt the cold air sneak up the thin sleeves of his shirt and shivered. 

“Here, take my jacket.” Eddie said, and after some light protest Richie put it on. It smelled exactly the same as Eddie had done in high school although there was a hint of smoke too now.

“You look exactly the same.” Eddie smiled, eyeing Richie’s outfit and making him blush a little.

“Can’t improve on perfection, right?” Richie joked. It sounded a little self-concious but if Eddie had noticed it he wasn’t showing it.

“I guess not.” He grinned. “Here, have a smoke, maybe it’ll warm you up.”

Richie never thought he’d see the day that Eddie Kaspbrak would offer him a cigarette, but here he was. They smoked in silence for a little bit. Richie found himself inhaling the scent of Eddie’s jacket and he just hoped he didn’t notice it.

“Man, I never pegged you for a punk, Eds.” He said, his eyes fixed on the moon and stars above them

“I didn’t either until I met some on campus. They’re really nice and accepting of… well of me being gay.”

Richie’s heart skipped a beat and he raised his eyebrows at Eddie. Eddie shrugged again, his eyes meeting Richie’s for a second before he looked away.

“I guess that’s new for you too.”

“If I had known, I would have asked you out long ago.” Maybe it was the couple of beers he already had, or the way the moonlight was reflected in Eddie’s hazel eyes, but Richie just blurted it out. 

“Shut up.” Eddie chuckled and he gave Richie a light shove.

“No, I’m serious. I had the biggest crush on you in school.”

Richie expected Eddie to laugh again or the brush it off, but he didn’t do either of those things.

“And how do you feel now?” Eddie’s voice was calm, but his eyes were scanning Richie’s face for any sign that this was a mean joke.

“I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten over it.”

Eddie dropped his cigarette bud which landed in a puddle. He locked eyes with Richie and let his hand run across his chest. Then he grabbed the front of Richie’s shirt and pulled him down in a kiss.

Eddie licked into his mouth and Richie shivered a little when he felt something metal brush against his tongue.

“Do you have a tongue piercing?” Richie asked, pulling away from the kiss for a second.

“Oh there’s so much that you don’t know about me.” 

“Fuck, Eds.” Richie moaned as he was dragged into another kiss. 

He felt his knees go weak as Eddie pulled his hair, and it didn’t last long before they were practically grinding against each other. Their kisses were hot and sloppy. Eddie pulled at Richie’s bottom lip with his teeth before biting several marks onto his neck. Meanwhile Richie was moaning Eddie’s name and he couldn’t care less if people noticed them,

Stan may have won the bet that night, but Richie won the jackpot.

[artificialqueens]

When it all gets too much -(Shalaska) by Ty5000

A/N: I Know y’all are waiting for Soccer Punch but I’ve had a really bad few days and I didn’t want to take it out on that universes Sharon and Alaska so instead I wrote this monster oneshot. This is around 5k words which I didn’t event think I was capable of producing in one night but here you go I am really proud of this.

Massive Trigger warnings for eating disorders, depression, suicide and Self harm. It’s pretty dark but I wrote it as a kind of vent/ form of therapy please listen to the triggers and stay safe ily <3

P.S Its 6am and I’ve been writing all night so I proof read the best I could but there may be some mistakes.

Summary : College freshman Alaska suffered with poor mental health in the past and thought that she finally had it all in control until it all gets a little too much .

“Hi, it’s me, I’m just calling to say I won’t make it in today.” Alaska’s voice came out soft and quiet as if she hadn’t spoken all day, well she hadn’t so that made sense.

“Is everything okay sweetheart?” Her boss Kasha replied sounding genuinely concerned for her health.

“Yeah, I’m just not feeling well.” It wasn’t completely a lie she really didn’t feel just not the kind of unwell that you would expect. She wasn’t sure why she was expecting Kasha to believe that though, her boss was incredibly attentive and had made Alaska spill about her past with mental health when she had saw her taking her medication during her first week on the job.

“Okay, Well I’ll ask Courtney to cover your shift tonight it shouldn’t be a problem just let me know if you’ll make it in tomorrow.”

“Thanks Kasha.”

“Take care Alaska.” The older women replied with empathy that she pretended to not hear as she hung up the call. 

Alaska let the phone fall from her hand onto her bed, there was nothing she hated more in the world than letting her mental state get in the way of her life. Since starting at university almost three months ago now she had done her best to stay on top of things and worked through the occasional bad spots more so as a distraction than anything else. She had always known in the back of her mind that going to college would be a lot of pressure and despite the doubts from her parents there was no way she wasn’t going to do it, performing arts was her dream and now that she was steadily on that path nothing was going to stop her.

Well that part wasn’t entirely true as it was 2’Oclock in the afternoon and her Broadway history class was just ending yet here she was curled up in bed the same place she had been since she woke up from a troubled sleep at 5am that morning.

  That’s the thing about depression, the thing that most people don’t necessarily get: A depressive episode doesn’t need to be caused by anything (It can be of course.) but depression is funny like that it doesn’t need some sad event to rear its ugly head in fact often sadness doesn’t make you depressed, depression makes you sad. It makes you so sad that you almost can’t remember ever having felt anything else, and then just when you think you are used to the sadness it stings you deeper and makes you numb. Numb is okay right? numb is better than feeling miserable right? wrong. The numbness is what paralyses you, what drives you insane, leaves you bed ridden and wishing to just feel something.

Alaska had been feeling it for a week now, the beginning stages of a depressive episode. Her first one since… she thought she was in recovery. It had been over a year. Yet here she was again, and she recognised the feeling all too well: the ball of sadness, loneliness and general irritation brewing inside her, but she fought the urge to curl up on her sofa and instead choose to power through. She had too much at stake. Everyday she would wake up, shower, get ready and leave for class, eat her lunch, go to rehearsals, and then head off to work at the diner. Some days her girlfriend Sharon would come in on her way home from work and spend her break with her. They were both so busy during the week with college and jobs, so the hour of each others company was always welcomed. Routine was key, if she stuck to her routine she could beat this, that’s what the doctors had said.

 However yesterday had been the downfall of it all.

  Rehearsals weren’t going well. Half of the dancers were away on a field trip and the lead male was extremely hungover and constantly muddling up his lines. Alaska didn’t have a huge part in this play, as a freshman it was extremely difficult to get a notable part in any of the full class productions. As small as her three-lined part was she was just lucky to have a part at all.  Only she wasn’t feeling lucky at all, they had been in this room for over half the allocated two hours rehearsal time and they weren’t even close to her lines. She was extremely tired having stayed up most of the night to study for her test in music theory which had caused her to sleep in and almost miss the test itself. Come lunch she had discovered that her wallet had been left at home, Alaska really tried not to skip meals after…. But this couldn’t be helped. Now here she was sitting in the old theatre which was cold in the late November weather and seemingly getting nowhere.

 She thanked a god that she didn’t believe in that Wednesdays were her day off and that Sharon Didn’t need to be in work until 12pm on Thursdays meaning she would get to spend some long-overdue time with her girlfriend. Sharon had been so busy since starting her new job working at a popular alternative website keen to make a lasting impression that she didn’t get to see her as much anymore. The selfish part of her liked to awaken her self-doubt and tell her that Sharon didn’t care anymore but Alaska knew better than to let thoughts like that get to her. Sharon had been incredibly lucky to get her foot in the door of her dream job straight out of college and Alaska was happy for her. Really.

Finally, her theatre professor Miss Monsoon let them go, sending them off with a “Good work today people.” That Alaska couldn’t bring herself to believe.

She left the building and walked the ten minutes to her flat in what felt like a record speed beyond excited to be away from the cold for the day and back in the comfort of her own home.

 Once safely back at home, curled up on the sofa under a blanket with a mug of warm tea to heat her up and also to curb off the hunger until she could eat with Sharon she pulled out her phone to text her girlfriend.

To : Noodles (at 5.36pm)

God, I have had the worst day I think the worlds out to get me!

What time are you coming over? I need pizza and cuddles.

She casually flipped through some pizza menus mentally preparing her order as she awaited her response

To: Lasky (at 5:40pm)

I’m sorry Lasky I promised Raja I’d work late tonight, we need to finish that article on some cool new punk band but the research department didn’t bother to fact check so I promised I’d help out. Raincheck?

Alaska sighed deeply, of course the world would be so against her today that she couldn’t even have the one thing she had been looking forward to all day.

To: Noodles (at 5:41pm)

You work too hard ☹

I miss you

To: Lasky (at 5:43pm)

I know

I’ll come to the diner on your break tomorrow okay x

To: Noodles (at 5:44pm)

Okay <3

It wasn’t okay.

Alaska’s eyes burned with tears, she felt stupid for crying over something so trivial, but she couldn’t help it, she had been holding onto this one good thing throughout all the shit she’d dealt with today and now it was gone and with it went any remains of a good mood. Just like that the plug she had firmly pressed down over her feelings for the past week was pulled and a wave of surprised emotions emerged sinking the ship that was Alaska. Once the tears started they didn’t stop, she cried and cried a cocktail of sadness, anger, loneliness ,  exhaustion and stress. Loud aggressive sobs wracked her small frame, her hands reached up to grab her hair pulling tightly as her teeth dug into her lip subduing the urge to scream.

When she finally got herself somewhat under control a good while later her chest was tight and breathing erratic due to her sobbing, her throat and eyes burnt like fire, her head was pounding like a small army was marching on her brain and her bottom lip throbbed angrily from where she had bit down. A stinging in her arm drew her attention down where she discovered angry red scratch marks from where she had subconsciously dug her nails into her skin. It wasn’t by far the worst she had done in the past but staring down at the bright red standing out on top of the white skin already flawed from the past. This is when she realised she was in too deep and she needed someone. She needed Sharon.

To Noodles ( at 7:12pm)

Are you done with work?

Normally Alaska wouldn’t want to bother Sharon with her problems, she always felt that Sharon saw her as a child and found her poor mental health to be an inconvenience more than anything else. She put this down to the fact that she was 18 and could easily be easily seen as a child in the eyes of her 21 year old college graduate girlfriend. Being a freshman who could barely juggle her classes, part time job and social commitments without a daily dose of prescribed medication being seen as immature or too much for her girlfriend to handle was one of biggest insecurities. Sharon however despite appearing to be much more mature with her full-time job right out of college in her chosen field, her own apartment which she had gotten without special circumstances unlike Alaska and a cat was not perfect and had her own problems too. She worried endlessly about the wellbeing of her girlfriend and would never consider her lesser because of her past no matter what Alaska thought. 

       -     -    -

Alaska and Sharon first met the previous December almost a whole year ago at the university open day, Alaska had begged her mom to let her come. Her Mother had been hesitant due to the fact her daughter had just been released from the hospital and was unsure if college was such a good idea in her state, especially one three states over that she wouldn’t be able to get to in an emergency but eventually she gave in agreeing that maybe it’s exactly the distraction she needed.

Alaska had bumped into Sharon within her first half an hour in the building, there she was standing behind the information stall for the GSA with two other people who Alaska would come to know as Danny and Katya not that she really noticed them at first, all she saw was the tall girl with the dyed grey hair and black lipstick wearing the torn misfits shirt.  She remembered how self-conscious she felt in her black skinny jeans and her pink sweater practically falling off her body as she wobbled like a baby deer towards the stall. She remembered their first words, Sharon being as overly confident and bold as normal and Alaska being shy and quiet in a way that must have come across endearing. She remembers getting more freebies from that stall than anyone else. (she knows this because one of the stickers had a phone number scrawled across it.) She remembers the first time they met up and how lovely it was, she remembers the conversation where they agreed that they had to stay just friends at least until she turned eighteen and she remembers finding her closest friend at GSA stall.

She recalls the night about two months later when her sleeve rolled up too far in the car and Sharon caught sight of her scars. That was the night she told her everything. She told her how she felt worthless how the smart kids thought she was dumb and how the theatre kids didn’t think she was good enough, she told her how she would try to starve herself to perfection and how she’d dig a blade into her skin to punish herself and cry herself to sleep almost every night. She told her about that Halloween night when it all got to much and she chased a bottle of pills with a litre of vodka and went for a bath. She remembers crying, she remembers Sharon crying and she remembers feeling proud for the first time as she tells her that she’s getting better and she really believes it.

She remembers her eighteenth birthday a month later how she celebrated the day with her family and a close group of friends but really all she wanted was for the next day to be here when she could spend it with Sharon. She remembers that day so well how she took her ice skating and to a vegan restaurant because she knew high calorie foods still stressed her out. She remembers the ride home and kissing her goodnight.

She remembers getting her first girlfriend and being happy and confident for once, Sharon makes her happy and confident. (not all the time no one is capable of that, but she helps.) She remembers crying down the phone to her girlfriend when she got the acceptance letter. She remembers her girlfriend crying on her at her graduation because she didn’t know what she was doing with her with life. She remembers the road trip back for her own high school graduation. She remembers how she didn’t go to prom instead she spent her prom night with her girlfriend kissing every inch of her and calling her beautiful and making her see stars all night long.

She also remembers their first fight like it was yesterday. It was the week Alaska moved into her apartment a few days after classes had begun and Sharon was constantly on her back trying to help and offering to do practically everything and worst of all, constantly asking her if she had remembered to take her medication that day. To an outsider it’s an innocent question, a nice incentive but to Alaska it was patronising and made her feel like she couldn’t take care of herself. Of course, when she told this to Sharon she had gotten offended and it had ended in a huge fight. It had been loud and quick with both parties failing to see the others valid view. It ended soon enough with Sharon finally realising that she may have been full on and apologising for worrying and assuring Alaska that she knew she could cope. She finished of her apology with one last line before they cuddled up on the sofa to watch The Golden Girls.

“Just remember if it ever gets to be to much I’ll be here, no questions and no judgement.”

And that is how Alaska fell asleep curled in on herself on the sofa with makeup stained checks and her phone in her hand, thoughts of Sharon running through her head.

                                                                   -   -   -

When Alaska jolted awake it was dark out and her mouth was dry, she stumbled blindly into the kitchen for a glass of water, relishing in the brief relief its coolness brought her before moving through the living room, grabbing her phone on her way to the bedroom. Her movements seemed robotic almost working on memory rather than necessity as she whipped of her tear streaked makeup and changed into sweats and a comfortable shirt. She didn’t bother with her usual routine of moisturising or brushing her hair or teeth instead just pulling her hair out of her already messy bun and crawling into the comfort of her bed. Only then did she allow herself to check her phone, the bright screen blinded her momentarily and made her migraine call out in anguish, quickly she turned the brightness all the way down before daring to look again.

The time on the top corner informed her it was almost ten thirty meaning she had been asleep for just over three hours, not that it did anything she was still exhausted. Both mentally and physically.

She pulled down her notification menu to see she had one missed call from her mother (she’ll check that later.) and one text from Sharon. She clicked on quickly eager for a nice distraction from her mind.

To: Lasky  (at 9:43pm)

I told you I was working late, I just got home.

Is everything okay?

Alaska paused there was one of two ways she could reply, and she wasn’t sure which would be worse.

To: Noodles ( at 10:29pm)

No. I’m getting bad again Sharon.

I’m scared, I need you please come over.

Her finger paused over the send button, if she sent that she knew Sharon would worry and come over right away with comforting words and soft touches but part of her, the part that had won the battle earlier told her that Sharon would be laughing at how pathetic she was being. Surely, she could get through this without her, she wasn’t a kid after all.

She deleted the message and started again.

To : Noodles (at 10:31pm)

Everything’s Fine I just miss you.

No, it’s not.

To: Lasky (at 10:32pm)

Are u sure?

To : Noodles (at 10:33pm)

Yeah.

No.

See you tomorrow <3

To: Lasky (at 10:34pm)

See u tomorrow bby

I love you

No, you don’t.

To : Noodles (at 10:35pm)

I love you back .

She locked her phone and placed it on the nightside and rolled into her usual sleeping position, not that she was expecting to get much sleep in this condition.  So, she lay there lonely and let her thoughts take over.

Her brain tortured her all night reminding her of every wrong move, every stupid question, every time she messed up her lines, every rejection email and every failed attempt at friendship through her life. She’s flashed back to the one party she went to in high school where she hadn’t eaten more than a banana in almost 2 days got super drunk super quick and threw up and passed out in the living room of an acquaintance. Absolutely any memory that she wanted to forget resurfaced over the next two hours.

Just when Alaska was beginning to become exhausted and hot tears were burning behind her eyes as she was pleading with her head to just shut up and let her sleep the worst memory was projected to her.  Halloween night 2017.

She still remembers it like it was yesterday. It wasn’t a spontaneous decision made in the climax of a mental breakdown like it’s portrayed in the movies, no this was a carefully planned for and researched event. Let’s be clear by this point Alaska was pretty secure in the fact that she was dying even if she didn’t directly “pull the trigger” herself she was still dying, she was wasting away with each skipped meal but that was too slow, and she couldn’t wait any longer. It wasn’t an emotional decision for her it was just something that had to be done and it should scare her how little she cared about the impending end of her life. She was numb.

The letter had been written almost two weeks in advance, the Pills secured from a source she couldn’t disclose and finally as an extra measure she had stolen a litre of vodka from the local store. She felt no remorse or guilt for that either. She was numb.

She chose Halloween because it was her favourite day, the only day where she felt like she could be anyone without judgment, the only day where she didn’t have to be herself. It made sense to her to go out on the best day rather than on the “worst day of her life.” A nice ending, not that she deserved it.

When the day comes, she takes care of herself, she sleeps in till 10am, later than she’s slept in so long. She changes into a dress that she had meant to wear to the schools Halloween ball that night, Its short black and lacey with hues of green glitter. It was meant to be part of a witch costume, but she much prefers this use.  A glance in the mirror brings her to tears; she looks beautiful, she looks like she’s already dead.  She had planned to indulge in one last meal, a cheese cake she’d picked out herself but decided against it, what if her parents wanted an open casket?

Before she knows it, she’s sitting cross legged on her bed, the bath is already waiting. She lays the pills out in rows and takes them two at a time with a mouthful of vodka in between each until she starts to feel fuzzy, not drunk fuzzy, this was different. She took this as her sign to go to the bathroom. She got in with the rest of the vodka just in case and waited and waited and waited. She had to way to tell how long it had been, but she was sure it was hours, her parents must be due home any moment. Just as panic began to set in and she really began to worry about what exactly she had did wrong her ears began to ring and black spots appeared in her vision.

She doesn’t remember much after that, in fact the next few days are a blur of screaming, crying, pain, needles and doctors. She knows that her mom found her in the bath covered in vomit and called an ambulance.

Once at the hospital they pumped her stomach, gave her various IVs with different things such as medication, fluids, and nutrients that her malnourished body craved. She was placed on suicide watch for a week and was admitted to a physch ward where her “recovery process” began but of course her mind didn’t want to focus on the positives.

                                                                 -     -     -

Alaska is brought back to reality then a shaking, crying mess. She’s slick with sweat and her heart is pounding at speeds that should be considered dangerous, it’s the same flashback she’d wake up from in the weeks following her attempt screaming and crying but she hadn’t thought about this in so long and she hadn’t been ready to live through it again.

She sprints to the bathroom as waves of anxious nausea make her dizzy, hardly making it as she spits bile into the toilet bowl. It does act as a cold reminder that she hasn’t eaten today. She briefly remembers her sessions with Doctor Visage who has helped her establish an eating schedule to help keep herself on track, she hadn’t really stuck to that in over a week now.

Once her breathing had returned to normal she manages to get herself a glass of water and a protein bar, which she just manages to finish before she passes out into a dreamless sleep.

                                                                      -      -      -

Which brings us back to where we left off on Thursday Afternoon.

After the guilt of blowing off her shift for a mental health day had worn off slightly Alaska made the mistake of checking her emails. She didn’t have many as she usually stayed on top of them pretty well, but she did have an email from her Broadway History professor sent only a few minutes ago waiting for her. The subject line “you were absent in class today.” Made the details of the email very clear but never the less she opened it.

To: AlaskaThunder5000@gmail.com

From :ProfJinkxMonsoon@univeristy.com

Subject : You were absent in class today

Hi Alaska,

I see that you were absent today, I am sure you had a very good excuse which I would be understanding about had you notified me before hand as per college protocall!

You missed a fair bit today so please get in contact with me as soon as you can.

Prof.J.Monsoon

Alaska closed out the app as soon as she was finished reading and threw her phone onto her bed, she was not in the right frame of mind to be dealing with whatever work load was waiting for her and she didn’t want any added stress she was already on the constant brink of yet another breakdown.

Instead she chose to listen to her body and attempt to make herself some food. She started of slowly easing her sore body our of bed for the first time in over twelve hours. She entered the bathroom and washed her face which felt swollen from all the crying, she made sure to avoid the mirrors as she did this.

“Okay Alaska you’re doing so good, baby steps.” She whispered to herself as she made her way into the kitchen. This was already so much more than she could handle in a normal depressive episode, but she was determined that this wasn’t going to beat her this time.

She opened the cabinet and tried desperately to ignore that voice that yelled out the calorie count for everything she saw. Soup, yes soup was safe she told herself. The next step was to get a pot and turn on the stove. She could do this.

From her bedroom she heard her phone ding with a notification, but it could wait she decided, distractions weren’t a good idea right now.

Once the stove was hot enough she poured the can of soup into the pot and began to stir it. She was doing so well.

Suddenly the phone began to ring startling Alaska from her train of thought and causing her to drop the spoon. And that’s when it happened.

As she was coming back up from picking up the spoon she accidently nudged the edge of the pot causing it to topple over and spill hot soup right onto Alaska’s bare feet.

“Fuck!” She screamed out as the hot liquid burned her skin. She Jumped away from the mess attempting to find a cloth to clean it up.

“Why are there no fucking cloths!” She yelled as her hand reached up to pull at her hair in frustration.

Her phone began to ring again. “Shut up” She suddenly screamed at the object in question. “shut up shut up shut up shut up!” hot tears burned behind her eyes. God why couldn’t she do anything right.

She turned around quickly remembering that there were some clean clothes in the cupboard above the stove, as she did this she slipped on the soup puddle on the floor. She reached out to grab onto something to save herself and slammed her arm down onto the hot stove. She yanked it away almost immediately with a yelp of pain but instead of running to put the burn under running water she pressed her finger against the inflicted area and winced at the searing pain.

Oh no.

Before she knew what she was doing Alaska was pressing her other wrist down onto the hot stove, and again and again and again until she was sobbing and shaking with the pain.

Unable to take anymore and completely mentally exhausted she slid to the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees crying out brokenly.

At this exact moment the door opened.

“Alaska baby?” Sharon’s voice called out from the hallway clear worry evident in her voice. “Are you home? I went by the diner after work like we planned, and Courtney said you called in sick.”

Alaska bit her lip to stifle her sobs as Sharon came closer to the kitchen, it was a fruitless attempt as she would have to find her eventually.

“Alaska?” She called again “You’re worrying me sweetheart.”

Alaska closed her eyes now preparing for the worst as the footsteps reached the edge of the door way. No going back now.

Sharon gasped as she turned the corner into the kitchen, she probably would have screamed if she had been capable of making any noise at the moment instead she stared at the scene in front of her before bouncing into action.

“Lasky, what happened?” She asked kneeling down beside her and reaching out to touch her shoulder.

 Alaska jerked away from Sharon’s touch like it was searing hot, she didn’t deserve this she didn’t deserve to be treated so nice she’d ruined everything. She wanted Sharon to yell to tell her how she’d fucked up and how much of a mess she was but instead the older women just looked at her with sympathy and hurt shinning in her teary eyes. That’s what broke Alaska’s shield. She had cried so much in the last twenty-four hours out of frustration and anger and hurt and exhaustion but this time when the tears started it was an over flow of sadness and of realisation. If she had asked for help last night when she felt herself reach breaking point maybe she wouldn’t be in this position, but she was too scared or too proud and now here she is in the middle of a complete relapse after eleven months and she truly hates herself for that.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Alaska cried out, she wasn’t sure if she was apologising to Sharon, to herself or just because it felt like the right thing to say in this situation.

“Shh it’s okay, it’s okay.” Sharon whispered almost as if she was too scared to speak any louder and scare her off. She reached out to touch her shoulder again only this time Alaska didn’t shy away and instead collapsed into her touch sobbing uncontrollably. Sharon let her lay on her and rubbed her back for as long as she needed until the sobbing subdued.

Alaska lifted herself from Sharon’s lap, hyper aware of the pain that radiated from almost every part of her body.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” She rasped, her voice hoarse from crying for so long.

“Don’t be, I’m glad I got her before…” Sharon didn’t dare finish her sentence. “You should have told me you were suffering again.”

“I didn’t want to be a burden. You’ve got so much going for you right now and you’re so busy you don’t need a mentally ill kid girl friend too.”

“Hey, no don’t you talk like that.” Sharon began frowning slightly. “I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when we started dating, I always knew this was a possibility, god I hoped it wouldn’t, but I always knew it might and I’d be an asshole if I was willing to throw away the best thing that ever happened to me because she was hurting.” It was Sharon’s turn to cry this time a rare site.

“Do you remember what I said to you after our first fight?” She asked.

Alaska shook her head.

“I said that If it ever got to much again I’d be there.  I meant that then and I mean it now, you got through this before and we  can get you through it again. It’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay.”

                                                                        -     -    -

She was going to be okay.

Not right away because that’s not how these things work, it’s going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of pain and tears and self-discovery but in the end, she’ll be okay. Because if it’s not okay then it’s not the end. 

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 27/02/2021 (Ariana Grande, Digga D, Ella Henderson & Tom Grennan)

I like how on the UK Singles Chart, even if it’s kind of a slow week, we still have nine new arrivals to get through. Joy, let’s just start with the rundown. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

As you’d expect, a lot of the debuts from last week were pretty flimsy on the UK Top 75, the range I cover on the singles chart, and hence a lot of it’s gone, including all of the slowthai songs, even “CANCELLED” with Skepta which reached the top 40. Another big top 40 debut that’s disappeared is, again as you’d expect, “UK Hun?” by the United Kingdolls. We do have three pretty big drop-outs though: “No Time for Tears” by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix, ”Really Love” by KSI featuring Craig David and the Digital Farm Animals and finally, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio. It seems that finally we’re making some room for the Spring hits to come tunnelling in by next month. That also shows in our notable fallers, as we have “Levitating” by Dua Lipa and remixed by DaBaby at #37, “Whoopty” by CJ at #39, Taylor Swift’s re-recorded “Love Story” plummeting off of the debut to #41, Fredo’s album bomb continuing to linger as “Ready” with Summer Walker and “Burner on Deck” with the late Pop Smoke and Young Adz are down to #44 and #64 respectively, “you broke me first” by Tate McRae at #47, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #50, “Siberia” by Headie One featuring Burna Boy off of the debut to #58, “willow” by Taylor Swift at #59 (Not a good week for Taylor), “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran at #69 (The bigger question should be why it’s here at all), “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper at #71 and “Apricots” by Bicep at #73. For our gains, well, it’s pretty weird trying to find our replacements for all of this, as we have “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers back to #68 as it takes advantage of a slower week, “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek having a weird second wind at #60 – and the same goes with “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles gaining big for some reason up to #46. Otherwise, we do have some genuine rising hits in the top half of the chart, like “Mixed Emotions” by Abra Cadabra at #45 off of the debut, “Regardless” by RAYE and Rudimental at #43, “Astronaut in the Ocean” by Masked Wolf at #35 (Because I guess since Logic’s retired, people are looking to Australia for a half-baked replacement), “Believe Me” by Navos at #33, “Little Bit of Love” by Tom Grennan at #32... Okay, if we’re going to give rising artists their first top 40 hit, why is it these guys and not Kali Uchis? Though I have a feeling we’ll talk about her next week. Anyway, our other notable gains are “Love Not War (The Tampa Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Nuka at #31, “Arcade” by Duncan Laurence and FLETCHER at #29, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max at #25, funnily right next to Joel Corry’s “Head & Heart”, “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee at #18, “Up” by Cardi B at #17, “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S at #15 and “Latest Trends” by A1 x J1 at #12, with no real movement in the top 10. With all that out of the way, let’s stay cautiously optimistic for our new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “All You Ever Wanted” – Rag’n’Bone Man

Produced by Mike Elizondo and Ben Jackson-Cook

You probably know Rag’n’Bone Man for “Human”, one of the biggest hits in the UK of the 2010s that never really crossed over stateside. I was never a fan of the guy’s music in its over-produced blues-pop crawl, so I didn’t really expect his next album to do anything for me... but I feel like it does matter to a lot of people. His first album was big – and not just moderately – with several hit singles, and he would later hop on Calvin Harris’ “Giant” to more success. With that said, I don’t know why this lead single from his upcoming sophomore effort Life by Misadventure took a month to get to the lower reaches of the chart, even with a video. Has his hype fizzled out? Is there something more behind this or do people genuinely not care enough to check out the guy’s music past his debut record that had a bigger push? I don’t know but I do know that I actually quite like this... I mean, a lot. Finally, Rag’n’Bone Man found some faster-paced production that works very well with his signature baritone voice, as this almost post-punk-esque groove may be stiff but it chugs along nicely, especially with the layered guitar loops and those inspired distorted synth bloops, with some real dynamic mixing. What I feel is missing from this is stakes, at least in the content – it seems more observatory than telling any real narrative or drama that warrants such a rocketing song, especially that screeching guitar solo. I don’t think that really matters, though, as the subject matter is interesting enough in how he discusses places he’d spent his childhood in like Brighton and London and how they’ve changed since, with a pretty understandable level of both nostalgia and anger levelled at whoever made those changes... knowing he supports Corbyn, there could be some political undertones here, but I digress. The song caught me by surprise, I hope it sticks around further than a couple weeks.

#70 – “Lifestyle” – Jason Derulo featuring Adam Levine

Produced by Rice N’ Peas

So, Jason Derulo struck gold with the TikTok fame and his return to the #1 spot as he stole some Pacific Islander’s beat on “Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)” with Jawsh 685, and in 2020, everything seemed to go right for Derulo at a good time, even netting a BTS remix in the process. Now ever since then he’s been alternating between original tracks and more “borrowed” Pacific Islander beats, and this is one of those original tracks, which sounds nothing like the siren or Tampa beats so I’m pretty sure we know what the aim really is for those tracks. Whilst he’s had some success in the European markets, he hasn’t had much in the US so a catchy pop single with Adam Levine, detached of the Maroon 5 brand as that continues to fade away post-“Memories”, seems like an apt but desperate attempt at latching onto said market. God damn it, I’m embarrassed to say that it worked because this should not be a good song. It’s got a pretty funky synth riff and bassline that makes this otherwise pretty embarrassing track a lot more listenable, as Derulo’s delivery is pretty insufferable (but still pretty sonically appealing; the guy sounds great with a lot of Auto-Tune). There’s a lot of nonsense lyrics, both literally in the post-chorus and more ridiculously in the first verse, full of lyrics about how an unnamed woman is “shining bright just like Rihanna-na”, one lyric out of the whole song that is generally pretty weak lyrically, as you’d expect. The chorus is really damn catchy though, and propelled by horn lines and pianos that sound pretty triumphant, even if the clipping falsettos sound like garbage, and Derulo’s  ad-libs in Levine’s verse are just hilarious. Honestly, Levine sounds better with this hook than Derulo does, mostly because Levine is aptly and actively not trying, which is much more fitting for a messy dance-pop track. With just two verse-chorus structures, as well as two post-choruses, this is basic and practically unfinished; there isn’t a bridge. With that said, I can’t hate this at all, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s the fact that Levine’s reverb-drowned “Lifestyle!” backing vocals are cut off in the mix during the chorus... that did genuinely get a laugh out of me, don’t ask why.

#65 – “HEAT” – Paul Woodford and Amber Mark

Produced by Paul Woodford

From just a glimpse of her work, Amber Mark seems a lot more unique and soulful than most of the replaceable dance-pop singers, but for the purposes of this song and hence this show, that’s all she is, and Paul Woodford is just the boring DJ. This is a dance-pop song with 90s MIDI-sounding pianos, odd vocal processing, generic string patches, a house groove accentuated by a lot of fake hand-claps and a weak, barely-there drop. The time house-pop does something interesting for the first time in years in the mainstream beyond this garbage that’s been living in German night clubs in the 90s for decades after the fact, is the day I am a much happier woman. Skip this.

#61 – “Didn’t Know” – Tom Zanetti

Produced by Sjay

If you want proof of how slow a week this is, there aren’t even lyrics for this on Genius. Anyway, I don’t know or care who Tom Zanetti or Sjay are because guess what this is? Another house-pop track. To be fair, this one has more of a bass-heavy deep house groove and bassline, and a pretty cringeworthy rap verse from who I assume is Tom Zanetti, going for what seems like a Chicago house vibe but missing any of the soul or big diva samples, relying instead on a checked-out delivery from someone no-one knows the name of. Really, what do you expect me to say about this? It’s a sex jam, but it’s so basic and minimal that those keys in the chorus end up sounding as eerie as they do seductive, and overall, there’s genuinely nothing to grab from this other than that Tom Zanetti shouldn’t be rapping... whoever that even is. I did look up the guy and it makes perfect sense that this guy was making bassline music decades after that was big, because this screams “failed attempt” to me, and hopefully if the British public have any sense, it’ll be a failed attempt on the charts. We’ll have to wait and see on that front, I guess.

#57 – “Time” – JLS

Produced by Oswald Hamilton (or Biggz the Engineer)

So, legendary(?) boy band JLS are probably one of the bigger names from the craze of R&B and pop bands and vocalists that got big from The X Factor but JLS had actual staying  power for at least a little while, mostly because, well, there was always a place for them in the late 2000s and early 2010s, where it wasn’t uncommon to see these dance-pop tracks flooding the chart. They weren’t that great, obviously, but they didn’t need to be as what mattered to the audience and label was that the four boys kept their charm and style by the time they released a new record every November and that a couple singles off of it went to the top 10. That comment about longevity must not have lasted, however, as whilst most members were able to find some kind of success solo, usually in broadcasting like Marvin Humes, people weren’t really demanding a comeback, I suppose, as whilst this is their first charting song since their 2013 farewell “Billion Lights”, this new reunion track hasn’t made much noise at all and is probably here off of sales. I mean, the lyrics aren’t even on Genius yet... oh, wait, it’s some other guy that happens to be called JLS. Huh. Well, that makes sense, but, like, you’d want to change your name if it was that closely related to a big name, especially if you weren’t a family-friendly boy band and were instead a pretty awful rapper relying on a weak UK drill beat with absolutely no energy at all. Okay, so this sounds like several rappers here, so I assume it’s a rap group or collective. Either way, not many of these people have much charisma to talk about, like at all, and this beat can’t carry them on that lone piano melody alone, even if it is kind of menacing. The song feels twice its length, and something screams industry-made to me. I don’t know, maybe it’s because it’s a debut single, but they’re not signed to any major label so that’s just speculation. With some research, I found that it’s by two guys called Switch and J9 and a lot of fans were confused why it was uploaded under JLS, when the original song, on YouTube, isn’t even called “Time”. It’s called “Look”. I can only see this as kind of a scummy marketing ploy by a label, as I don’t think an independent distributor would be willing to change the name, artwork and artist name to believably look like JLS. I don’t know about any of this but really the song isn’t bad or really worth caring about, just a game of finding the impostor. To be honest, I’d love for JLS’ actual comeback single to be a drill banger in response, but again, we’ll have to wait and see. For now... who even gets the royalties for this?

#56 – “CLOUDS” – NF

Produced by Tommee Profitt and NF

You know what’s decidedly less fun than UK drill rappers masquerading as late 2000s boy bands? Christian rap. To be fair to NF, he’s less outwardly Christian as he is just family-friendly pop-rap with a lot of technical skill and that’s fine, although it does mean his fanbase consists pretty much exclusively white kids who think they listen to “real rap with a message” and dismiss anyone with a darker skin tone as mumble-rap. Though I don’t think NF purposefully lets into that demographic, at least from the little I’ve heard, I don’t doubt that he knows that’s his base as he continues on this lead single from his upcoming mixtape CLOUDS to criticise rappers who “go Hollywood” whilst also acknowledging how violent some of his lyrics may seem, which kind of seems like an odd thing to say in this context. I mean, NF here is only being clean rather than Christian, but not in a Lecrae way where he’s genuinely a versatile and soulful rapper outside of the religious stuff that tends to work its way into a lot of his work. Instead, NF just kind of meanders over a condescendingly bad piano-based trap beat, with pretty pathetic flows that really undermine how much technical skill this guy supposedly has. I mean, if he’s going to imitate Eminem with even more filler bars and unfunny mid-verse skits. To be fair, I can’t complain about the dude’s energy, and the beat does get better as it gathers a lot more energy in its choral grandiosity, but I feel like this one starting verse just lasts for days because of how little is actually said in three minutes, and that second verse is shorter but says even little. That’s before getting into some of these lyrics as it really is just nonsense half of the time. He claims to be “not artistic” – I don’t know why Nate meant by that but it just comes off as how it is on paper: hilarious – and also flooding the first verse with a series of ridiculous metaphors you’d be hard-pressed to wrap your head around, including questionable name-drops for... Bill Gates, of all people. I do find it ironic how despite his fanbase wanting to make you think you’re not smart enough to get NF’s really “clever” bars, the Genius annotations for one of the few kind of cool lines here show that it completely goes over their heads. NF says, “Got something in my cup, ain’t codeine”, which you can stretch – pretty reasonably – to be a Biblical reference. The song’s about fame and success, so referencing “my cup runneth over” makes a lot of sense. The annotations says that it’s unclear what’s in NF’s cup, and a comment corrects him, saying that it shows in the music video that Nate’s cup has water in it. Nice one, guys. At least Eminem murders women and Hopsin’s a racist piece of trash, what does this guy have?

#38 – “test drive” – Ariana Grande

Produced by Foster, Mr. Franks, TBHits and Murda Beatz

Ariana Grande released the few bonus deluxe tracks from her Positions album last week, and of course, at least one charted – not many others could as you can’t have more than three hits at a time on the UK Singles Chart. I know, it’s silly. Honestly, I think the deluxe tracks were in most cases better than the standard edition, and I think if we cut out the annoyingly large amount of filler in that total package, we could have a pretty damn great record from Ari, but as is, it’s really just fine and suffering from all of the issues her past few years of music have. With that said, “test drive” might be my favourite ever song of hers, with its gorgeous 90s R&B keys that lead us in to a bouncy house beat from Murda Beatz of all people (in a similar vein to “motive” from the standard edition but with actual sound design). There isn’t that much of a bass in the groove here, but it makes up for that with its twinkling synths and Ari’s delivery which sounds convincing and infectious through the whole track, which may be short at just barely more than two minutes but does not waste that time with its incredible chorus and whilst I would have preferred some more complexity or meat to this production, particularly the percussion, this dreamy blend of 90s pop styles is really fun as is, especially in that final chorus with those subtle strings and bleep-bloops coming in, to the point where you don’t really care how abruptly it ends... which actually might be a pretty fitting end for a track about a youthful, very sexually active relationship. Yeah, this is pretty great – check it out.

#36 – “Toxic” – Digga D

Produced by Trinz

Speaking of bonus tracks, here’s a bonus track from Digga D’s most recent mixtape, Made in the Pyrex, and any goodwill I had for this guy is gone because this song is deplorable. You can say it’s satirical all you want – and to an extent it probably is – but I really can’t sit here and listen to a rich guy talk about how awfully he treats women for three minutes. Basically, the song is about influencers that want to “suck his bone”, and honestly that would be fine if he kept it about the sex, rather than how much he seemingly hates these women, calling them good for nothing sex objects with the subtlety of a dusty red brick. Misogyny is common in rap music and popular music as a whole, and it’s forgivable because, really, objectification is so commonplace that there’s no point in fighting it off, and really there’s nothing wrong in a rapper saying “my girlfriend is attractive” because... well, yeah, she probably is. There’s also nothing wrong with a rapper describing or depicting sex, because sex happens, and there’s also nothing wrong with rappers describing their conflicts with women because, again, they happen, and music is never supposed to represent a perfect life or perfect human. You can express your flaws and irrational emotions, even if they are “toxic”, in your music because it’s a form of human expression that knows few bounds, and as long as there’s some kind of tact or thematic approach, I really do not mind and will often try and justify it. However, when you’ve got a guy with no charisma or personality describing how he uses his fame on Twitter to his advantage for cheap sex, what really is the point in listening to this guy? Do you enjoy hearing about how he constantly condescends and insults the women providing him with cheap sexual desires? Sure, they never sent you letters while you were in jail, but they were never supposed to. These are Instagram models and social media influencers you use to get your rocks off by sliding in DMs, not long-time relationships, and you know that, so why are you complaining when your emotional desires are not met beyond intercourse... especially when you clearly don’t care about hers? I guess Digga D is being “toxic” on purpose as the title and chorus ensues, but this is too overly-specific and based in what seem to be real-life situations for me to stick with this and justify any of it, especially him referencing the models’ substance abuse, how he refuses to drink fancy wine she bought her instead of his cheap Magnum tonic wine – a sexual stimulant from Jamaica. All that would be fine if it weren’t for how he takes this back to real life by mentioning his ex-girlfriend, breaking all illusions of satire and fantasy. In the second verse, he continues to slut-shame and condemn women for... travelling abroad? Profiting from OnlyFans? Wearing Rolexes? If you want to talk about how many designer accessories you wear, how many places you’ve been, how many women you’ve had sex with and how many women you use for your own benefit and no one else’s, as you do in all of your songs, then where’s your excuse for criticising women for doing the same thing? Oh, right, there is none! I heard a few weeks ago and talked about on this show how the government has to see Digga D’s lyrics and censor them in the case that they’re too violent. It’s pretty telling how this misogynist piece of shit slipped through those cracks, huh?

#28 – “Let’s Go Home Together” – Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan

Produced by TMS

Okay, so this is our highest debut this week, and it’s from singer Ella Henderson, who you probably know from “Ghost”. She was another X Factor singer and this song actually dates back to 2016, where it was leaked online as a duet with James Arthur. More than four years later, it sees an official release with the slightly-less-trendy Arthur replaced with Tom Grennan, similarly non-present pop singer. I’m surprised the label’s even letting her release this pretty generic pop ballad with an acoustic pick-up and lyrics about going home together while drunk, as well as trap-esque percussion because of course. I mean, her second album has been shelved for half a decade, and Tom Grennan himself has kind of been in limbo until recently, and it’s not like he’s doing anything interesting or different here with his insufferable mumbling delivery. There’s an unfunny bait-and-switch in his verse at some point that I think even James Arthur would have pulled off better, and Grennan’s last line in the bridge is genuinely just one of the worst moments in music this year, Jesus Christ – you’ve just got to listen to that part, I guess. The song’s really not worth speaking more about and I want to wrap this up.

Conclusion

A slower, less chaotic week yet still a mixed bag and mostly bad. I’ll give Best of the Week for Rag’n’Bone Man for “All You Ever Wanted”, with a really close Honourable Mention for Ariana Grande’s “test drive”. Worst of the Week should be pretty damn obvious given that Digga D’s “Toxic” even exists, but Dishonourable Mention really is a toss-up. I guess Tom Zanetti’s “Didn’t Know” might be the most embarrassing song here... apart from “Lifestyle” of course but that song really is just okay. For next week... who cares? Here’s this week’s top 10:

Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank if you’re interested – really, I just talk about Weezer more often than I should – and I’ll see you next week.

[pricexofxlife-blog]

Prompt: Vengeance Over Virtue

“I won’t let them get away with this Rach,                                      I promise you on EVERYTHING I have left...                                                                                                I will make.Them.Suffer.”

…Everything was silent in the Price household up until the front door came flying open. Chloe stormed through the threshold, her breathing was choked and broken with sobs and groans of anger and pain as she nearly slammed the front door shut on Max, whom caught the door with her forearm just before it shut. Without a word she slipped in the door and closed it carefully behind herself. She watched Chloe, who paced back and forth for a moment, clearly still trying to process everything they had just gone through. In Chloe’s left hand was a dirty, foul smelling, earth covered blue flannel that Max’s eyes occasionally fell upon with a concerned look.  Chloe’s grip on the flannel was causing her knuckles to show white. She mumbled things as she paced back and forth before she finally stopped and lifted the flannel some in her shaking hand.

“I won’t let them get away with this Rach, I promise you on everything I have left….I will make.Them.Suffer.”

 Chloe’s voice broke and quivered as she spoke to the flannel, like it was the last thing she had of the girl she was speaking of. The very girl who Chloe had spent months looking for. The very girl Chloe nearly died for, countless times, in the attempt to find. The very girl that Chloe found, buried behind the junkyard shack they had passed many times in the efforts to locate… The very shack Chloe and Rachel had practically called home together. The world was a fucked up place indeed.

 Max sat there watching Chloe with matching pain in her eyes but more so towards her best friends break down, Max had never seen Chloe like this, and it had her at a real loss for words. Fresh tears pooled down the punk’s stained cheeks as she wiped them away quickly with her makeup stained jacket sleeve. She then stood taller suddenly, a telltale sign that an idea was forming. With Chloe in this state of mind, Max knew it wasn’t going to be a good idea either. Without a word Chloe suddenly stormed towards the dining room, but made a sharp turn toward the garage door. For a moment Max wasn’t sure why she was heading that way, until it clicked… David still had guns locked up in there. Max suddenly jumped forward and followed the raging Chloe as she stomped out of sight beyond the wall of the main hall.

 The look in Max’s eyes spoke volumes to the situation; she looked shocked and drained of any form of feeling all at once. While Chloe clearly was at a break. Her dark makeup pooled down her cheeks as her eyes were puffy and this time it was clearly because she had been crying and not high out of her mind. Chloe was strong, but right now, Max could see the blue haired punk had nothing left to give other than the emotions she was displaying rather vulnerably at the moment. Chloe kicked the door in on the garage, her adrenaline and rage was the only thing causing her chest to heave, and her strength to be amplified enough to kick the door open. She looked around the garage, knowing David had started to hide his guns in smaller lockups she tucked the flannel into her waist band, adding to her punk look though the flannel was beyond gross. Max didn’t dare to try and bring it to Chloe’s attention though, not with the look in Chloe’s eyes that was reflecting the vibrant blue in a near darker way. With the flannel secure Chloe began pulling everything out of every little spot in the garage. Rampaging through cabinets and drawers, tossing what didn’t look like a gun case onto the floor in a massive, almost deliberate pile.

“Fuck you David, the one time I need something from you, you have to make it near impossible...”

 Chloe spoke to herself as she pulled doors open and emptied drawers of their contents right there on the tabletop of David’s work space. Max stayed in the doorway of the garage and watched her best friend with a look of sympathy on her face. No matter how many times she tried to rewind time and change the outcome of Chloe’s initial reaction, nothing changed the rage, or the suffering from a broken heart that Chloe felt. She was valid in her feelings, Max didn’t even want to imagine how she would react if it where Chloe she had uncovered in a shallow grave with all her things thrown on top of her, in a rushed and crime covering burial. Max knew there was no altering this timeline, she could only try and keep Chloe alive in the process of her grief, and vengeance.

“Chloe, this isn’t a good idea, and deep down...Even in all this pain and anger, and grief…you know that.”

Chloe paused for a moment but didn’t acknowledge Max’s voice of reason. Instead she pulled open one last cabinet and hit the jack pot. The lock ups were stacked in a pile on the top shelf, which David must have thought Chloe wouldn’t have been tall enough to see. Maybe not, if she didn’t always wear boots. Chloe tried the first lock she grabbed and worked the code few times with relevant numbers to David, and with no luck she tried something a bit different. This time she tried using her birthday of all things and it managed to unlock, almost in a universal sign sort of way. Chloe and Max looked to each other as if the noticed how it worked.

“How did-“

“I guess Stepdouche didn’t think I would be smart enough to try the one thing I would never expect?”

 Max frowned seeing Chloe remove the gun and being loading bullets into the clip, it was something she had seen Chloe do often, but this time there was serious intent behind her vivid blue hues. Max took a step closer as Chloe finished loading the gun and placed in back into her waistband near the flannel. As Max approached she turned Chloe towards her, who went rigid at the touch because of how distraught she was at the moment. It was enough to make Max release her but she still spoke with a concerned tone towards her friend.

“Chloe, I know you are hurting, but you can’t do this, we have to take all of this to the police. We have to get them back the right way. Rachel wouldn’t want this-“

“Don’t speak!… Like you knew her Max. You didn’t know her, and you have no idea what she would’ve wanted. I knew her, and I know she wouldn’t want me to sit here and let the Prescott P.D push her murder under the fucking rug. Now you either buck up or shut up Max, because I have nothing left to give, other than this right now…and you are either with me, or not, and if you aren’t… I suggest you stay the fuck out of my way. Because a storm is coming, but not before I fucking burn this entire town to the ground in search of the two assholes who did this to her. I would do the same for you Max, so do not sit here and try to play woman of reason, I don’t need a talk down right now. I need those fuckers to know that they haven’t gotten away with it…I need them to pay. In blood. Like she did, Max.”

Chloe’s face caused Max’s jaw to unhinge slightly as she took a step back, chills crawled up her spine at how serious and heart felt the words Chloe had spoken were. There really was no stopping her. Before Max could rebuttal Chloe was already opening the garage door and heading out towards her beat up old pickup truck. Max rushed out after her, she wasn’t going to let her best friend go through whatever she was clearly not planning alone. They both entered the truck in a form of unison, though Chloe slumped into the seat and slammed the door shut all in one solid motion. Max paused for a moment, almost as if she were trying to prepare for what was about to unfold, before sitting into the seat and shutting the door in an almost defeated sort of way…

…

… Chloe pulled up to the Academy Chloe slammed the truck into park. The tires screeched to a halt as she jumped out the door in the same motion. Her eyes locked on the pool area where the flashing lights and pounding music was emanating from. Anger seethed through Chloe as she headed towards the direction of the Vortex club party. Grief and revenge written upon her messy face as she headed from the parking lot towards the party. Max was quick to catch up though her mind was fogged by questions she didn’t have the time to voice. Was Chloe really going to shoot Jefferson and Nathan in front of everyone? Was losing Rachel really causing Chloe to lose her shit like this? Max kept all the question to herself as Chloe entered the pool area casually. Her demeanor changed only slightly as she played cool to pass through the crowd, going almost unnoticed despite how negative energy radiated off her like a dark cloud. She moved like an assassin, careful were Chloe’s step as her red eyes scanned the crowd in search for one face in particular.

  Chloe knew that she wasn’t thinking fully, this was sheer emotion driving her. The numbness of loss was like heroin in her veins, dulling her perceptions completely. How could they, just do something like this, and still party? Just play it off like they had no idea where she was, and go about their days like nothing happened?...Rachel, had been missing for nearly six months. Chloe stopped walking and swayed some catching someone by the shoulder as she balanced herself. The room spun at the thought of how Rachel was right there, behind their shack,…the whole time. Something muffled near Chloe’s ear which caused the punk to turn her head, but it was clear she was fading in and out of a panic attack as she stumbled a step back and managed to catch her balance a bit more. Small hands caught her back as Max and Steph suddenly came into her blackening view. She blinked a few times and inhaled which managed to regain her focus.

“Max, is she okay? Chloe looks like someone told her dog died.”

Max’s head snapped towards Steph with a look that was concerned for her friend, but also trying to warn the other girl that may not have been the right choice of words for the situation.

“She’s fine, she just had a rough night is all, drinking too much..You know how-“

Max barely finished her sentence before Chloe suddenly snapped her head in a direction and narrowed her eyes like a shark locking on a helpless and unsuspecting seal. Chloe moved carefully through the crowd Max leaving Steph behind in order to keep her eyes on Chloe, which was hard with the flashing colored lights constantly blinding her. As Chloe began to move more quickly Max could see who her eyes had locked on, It was Nathan, with his back to the approaching Chloe. Max could see Chloe reach for back behind her waistband and it caused Max to almost run to catch up to her.

“Chloe don’t not here!!”

For a moment, Chloe only saw red as she approached Nathan, who was dancing some and not even alert to the physical hurricane raging his way. As Chloe glared at him she felt everything begin to boil up inside of her like a volcano near eruption. Tears began to pool at the edge of her eyelids as she clenched her jawline tightly and reached back for the gun. She could invasion it now, putting the barely against his smug blonde head, and pulling the trigger. But that would be to easy, Rachel didn’t get it easy. She probably suffer every second from the moment she was taken by them. Chloe’s hand trembled in rage as she gripped the gun’s hilt, but for some reason, above the music and everything else, Max’s voice broke through loud and clear, like something deafened the rest of the world in order for Chloe to hear those words. It made her release the gun and grab the flannel instead.

As Chloe came up from behind Nathan she grabbed his blonde Locks and used the element of surprise to pull him forward towards the pool supplies locked where she slammed his face into the cage, he was taken off balance and bashed his forehead against the edge of the cage, splitting open his forehead in a deep, painful wound.

“What the fuck bitch!”

Nathan cried out as he stumbled to turn around to her a bit and felt his bleeding face. Chloe stood still, her eyes locked in a death glare on Nathan, who suddenly seemed less hostile. Chloe looked ready for a fight, hell she hoped he would test her in this moment. She was beyond ready to unleash everything she was feeling on him.

“Did she cry out when you took her?”

Nathan suddenly went rigid, everyone by now was watching them in that area granted the music and lights kept playing and flashing. Chloe didn’t give him much time before her shaking were upon his slender body again. She pulled him towards her face, he tried to swing a punch right at her but he missed and allowed Chloe to pull his swing beyond her and pick him up against her shoulder as she used his displaced momentum to lift him up and throw him back into the pool. Prescott hit the waters hard, and took a second to come up, a faint trail of blood followed from his face. Once he surface and inhaled deep Chloe held out the flannel over the waters.

“Did you two have your sick fun with her, did she fight for her life while you two played with her like a fucking Gameboy?”

Venom dripped off every words that was shouted in a way that everyone by now was looking at them, and the music was turned down slightly. Chloe’s chest heaved visibly as she realized all eyes were on her and the flannel, which mumbles began to be murmured about the flannel looking like the one Rachel was last seen in. Chloe didn’t care if the police themselves were watching, she was going to make them both suffer. But the terrified look in Nathan’s eyes was satisfaction enough, she wanted the master mind, the real devil in disguise. She wanted to turn predator into prey. She turned about herself and scanned the many faces who looked at her in awe and shock.

“Where. Is. Jefferson…”

[glittergummicandypeach]

Bad Religion Recall the Rowdy LA Punk Scene in a New Book

One of the problems with being an L.A. punk band in 1980 was there were very few places to play. Part of this was due to bias. If you weren’t a known commodity, it was hard to get people to take you seriously. For instance, Keith Morris literally begged bookers and promoters to let Black Flag play. When his band was finally invited to perform at the venerable Masque, the show was shut down and the venue closed its doors for good. Many of the older punk scenesters from the seventies looked down at hardcore bands and their fans for the negativity they brought to their scene. They were too violent, too reactionary, or just didn’t get it. To their minds, bands like Bad Religion embodied everything that was wrong with the punk scene.

Hardcore bands had to get creative. They realized that by supporting each other they could make their own scene within the scene. One of Bad Religion’s first live shows was with a relatively unknown band from Fullerton called Social Distortion who invited Bad Religion to play with them at a party in Santa Ana.

“I think our first show was at a warehouse,” Bad Religion guitar player Brett Gurewitz recalled, “which was fairly common back then because there weren’t that many venues that would book hardcore punk bands.”

On the day of the gig, bassist Jay Bentley was so anxious he threw up before the show. Steve Soto, a Fullerton native and bass player for the Adolescents, gave Jay a bit of friendly advice.

STEVE SOTO: You’re really nervous.

JAY: I know. I get so nervous before we play.

STEVE SOTO: You should always drink at least a six-pack before you play.

JAY: Okay, I didn’t know.

Lead singer Greg Graffin remembered the audience being particularly hostile because the promise of free beer had not materialized, but they made it through their set unscathed. When they got off the stage, Brett received a boost from a familiar face who’d made the journey from Woodland Hills to Orange County to see them play. “After the show,” Brett recalled, “my friend Tom Clement said to me with great seriousness, ‘Brett, no matter what else you do, just don’t break up. If you guys don’t break up you’re going to be huge—seriously. You guys are really good.’”

A Greek organization at the University of Southern California was having a punk-themed party and naively decided to invite actual punks to perform.

Another early show was even stranger: a frat party opening up for the Circle Jerks, the band Keith Morris started after leaving Black Flag, and one of the most popular L.A. punk acts of the early eighties. A Greek organization at the University of Southern California was having a punk-themed party and naively decided to invite actual punks to perform. Once the gig was confirmed, members of Bad Religion and the Circle Jerks invited their friends and distributed flyers like they would for any other show. The frat boys dressed like punks and the punks behaved like, well, punks.

For Lucky Lehrer, the drummer for the Circle Jerks, “it was a typical funny, bizarre, tragic night I’d come to expect with Greg Hetson, Roger Rogerson, and Keith Morris. At the end of the party, Roger got drunk off several free-flowing beer kegs and tried to fight half of the USC football team’s offensive line. They beat the shit out of him.” Apparently, Roger had it coming because Brett recalled watching him attack the jocks with a pair of nun-chucks while blackout drunk.

Despite the hijinks, it was an important gig for Bad Religion. Punk photographer Gary Leonard documented the show, and the band made a favorable impression on Lucky. “I connected with Bad Religion a little because as we were loading all our gear back into cars and mini-trucks I sensed these ‘kids from the Valley,’ as I called them, were a little less insane than the Circle Jerks.”

Lucky wasn’t being condescending. They were teenagers who despite their intelligence and ambition had very little experience in the ways of the world. “That was the first time I ever witnessed a beer bong,” Bad Religion drummer Jay Ziskrout said of the party.

Keith Morris also had fond memories of the show. When the beer ran out at the punk-themed party, Keith went searching for more, and discovered he wasn’t the only one on a reconnaissance mission.

“My favorite part of the night wasn’t playing with the Circle Jerks or watching Bad Religion,” Keith said. “My favorite part of the night was scamming on as much keg beer as I could possibly glug down. We played fraternity or sorority row and every house had some kind of thing raging. Directly across the street was a party with a country theme. They had all these bales of hay stacked randomly in the front yard. I went to go check it out and there’s this big, tall, blonde-haired surfer dude in a USC frat jacket who turned out to be Ricky Nelson’s son hanging out with Darby Crash.”

The presence of Darby Crash and Pat Smear of the Germs did not escape Brett’s attention. Brett, who idolized Darby, was astonished. “The first hardcore band that I ever saw and fell in love with was the Germs. It was distinctly separate from the punk I had been listening to. It was not the Buzzcocks or the Sex Pistols or the Ramones, who had this very accessible power pop sound, almost like it came from the fifties. The Germs were dark and felt more dangerous.”

The show signaled the start of a long association between Bad Religion and the Circle Jerks, with Bad Religion being one of what Keith Morris referred to as “baby brother bands.”

“The scenario with Bad Religion and the Circle Jerks,” Keith explained, “was that we appreciated each other’s music. There weren’t any assholes in the group. There were no dicks. Everybody was cool. We wanted to go to the party and bust the punk rock piñata. The situation was because of our friendship with Bad Religion they started playing shows with us.”

But that night at USC, Bad Religion learned that the Circle Jerks were going to be interviewed live on KROQ during Rodney Bingenheimer’s show, Rodney on the ROQ. Rodney was one of the few L.A. scenesters who was connected to the music business and understood the importance of punk rock. (Greg Shaw of Bomp! Records was another.) He was an eclectic figure who’d had his own nightclub in the early seventies called Rodney Bingenheimer’s English Disco. He ate lunch at the same Denny’s in Hollywood every day. People in the music industry would drop off records, and musicians would try to get an audience with the “Mayor of Sunset Strip.”

During his show he would often play music by local punk bands. For early enthusiasts it was the best way to find out about the latest music in the scene. Kids would record Rodney’s show and exchange the tapes with other punks at school. As strange as it sounds in today’s era of corporate commercial radio, in 1980 you could turn on Rodney on the ROQ and hear the Adolescents, the Circle Jerks, and the Germs. In fact, the Adolescents’ song “Amoeba” broke through into KROQ’s regular rotation and became an underground hit.

Brett understood Rodney’s importance to the scene. “He was a guy who prided himself on knowing who the cool new bands were because he went to shows. Rodney had a radio show that started at midnight. He’d play imports from England that we couldn’t get and local bands that were hard to find, but the bands would give him their tapes to play on the radio.”

Rodney’s show made Greg’s dream of making music seem more attainable. The music Rodney played on his show included crude demos. This sparked the realization that you didn’t have to be signed to a major label to get on the radio. All you had to do was do it.

For Ziskrout, Rodney’s radio show was a crucial link to the Hollywood punk scene. “In those days KROQ had a really weak signal. We were out in West San Fernando Valley and we couldn’t get KROQ at my house most of the time. I used to go to Brett’s house because he lived up on a hill. There were times when someone would have to hold up a wire so the signal would come in clearly.”

The Circle Jerks brought Bad Religion’s demo tape to the radio station. (Both Hetson and Lucky have taken credit for delivering the tape.) Keith introduced the band and Rodney played the song “Politics” on the radio. Even though Ziskrout was aware that it might happen, he wasn’t prepared for how he’d feel when it did. “The thrill of hearing yourself on the radio for the first time can’t be put into words. There’s nothing else like it.”

“Rodney really championed us. He liked the song. He felt we were good. That got us known because kids would tape the show. It was a way people could hear our songs before they were even on a record.”

Rodney’s listeners were enthusiastic about the new band from the San Fernando Valley. They wanted more, and Rodney gave it to them. “That was really the start of the band getting popular in L.A.,” Brett said. “Rodney really championed us. He liked the song. He felt we were good. That got us known because kids would tape the show. It was a way people could hear our songs before they were even on a record.”

 [By year’s end] they’d made a popular demo, played some shows, and recorded an EP. They’d accomplished more in their first year than many bands manage in their entire careers. That two of their earliest shows were with Social Distortion and the Circle Jerks and attended by people like Darby Crash suggested they were well connected.

They weren’t. While punk was more popular than ever in L.A., there were very few places to play, so people would come out from all over greater Los Angeles and beyond to attend backyard parties and warehouse shows. On the flip side, punk bands were always looking for like-minded bands that were hungry to play and could be counted on to show up—even if it meant hauling their gear to someone’s house or a rented hall in Oxnard, East L.A., or San Pedro. That was Bad Religion.

“The scene was fairly small,” Jay said, “so you kept seeing the same people over and over again. You’d go to a show and watch a band play. You’d go to a show and you’d be the band playing.”

In those days, a punk kid who’d never set foot in Hollywood could go to a show and stand alongside one of his heroes. Of course, the feeling of admiration wasn’t always mutual. Jay’s first interaction with John Doe of X was when the bass guitar player gruffly said, “Move, kid.”

“He was probably twenty-one,” Jay recalled, “and I was fifteen. He probably thought I was ruining his scene, and he was right.”

The subculture distrusted outsiders and protected its own, even nerdy punks like Bad Religion. Going to a show where you didn’t know anyone and they didn’t know you could be dangerous.

One of the things about Bad Religion’s early shows that stood out to the band members was how many kids knew the words to their songs—and their EP hadn’t even been released yet. When people in the audience sang along with the band at their shows, it made them realize that this weird thing they did together after school in Greg’s mom’s garage had made an impact beyond their immediate circle of friends. It also reinforced the idea that what they were doing was important and had value. The realization slowly took hold that perhaps these kids memorized their lyrics because they had something meaningful to say.

With an audience made up of their heroes and peers, Jay found it hard not to be critical of his performance. “I remember always thinking, That was a good song. That was a good one. Oh, that one sucked.”

Jay wasn’t the only one who struggled with nerves. Brett also admitted to feeling uneasy onstage but credits Greg’s charisma for winning over the crowd. “I feel like Greg was a real performer from the get-go, and I think that was a big part of Bad Religion’s success. A charismatic singer is very important to a punk band, and Greg was always a great performer while I didn’t feel like I was until many years later.”

Greg may have appeared confident, but inside he was just as nervous as everyone else. “It was really nerve-wracking but I had a lot of confidence in the music. My view was, We’re all in this together, so I’ll do my part, but if I’d been up there alone I’d be shitting bricks. And I’ve felt that every concert since. A big part of my confidence comes from the guys behind me.”

It also didn’t hurt that the three performers standing at the front of the stage were all well over six feet tall. With his dyed hair, motorcycle boots, and leather jacket Greg looked the part of a punk rock front man. Brett stayed out of the spotlight but exuded a don’t-fuck-with-me aura. While Jay, the tallest member of the group at six foot four, focused on his guitar, his face a mask of intense concentration.

Brett, who was always a self-described “nerdy kid,” was surprised to learn that simply being in a band deterred people from starting trouble with him. “I remember when we were starting to get popular, more than once tough punk kids would be very menacing to me. Then someone would say, ‘Aren’t you in Bad Religion?’” When Brett told the aggressor he was, that usually ended it.

The subculture distrusted outsiders and protected its own, even nerdy punks like Bad Religion. Going to a show where you didn’t know anyone and they didn’t know you could be dangerous. For Brett, encounters like these were part of his punk initiation. “What attracted me to the punk scene was it felt like a tribe of outsiders. I felt like a person who chronically didn’t fit in. So, joining the punk scene was a way of making that a choice rather than having it inflicted on me.”

Skyler Barberio

Each of the members of Bad Religion had attended punk rock shows and had witnessed things that were difficult to understand or even explain. That’s how the media was able to hijack punk and advertise it as a violent free-for-all that attracted people who were drawn to such behavior. It was violent, at times shamefully so.

At the first punk rock show that Jay attended, Black Flag and the Circle Jerks at the Hideaway, someone crashed a car into the warehouse where the show was being held and drove through the gate. Brett recalled a show attended by Jack Grisham of T.S.O.L. who brought a friend whom Jack kept on the end of a leash. Jack would introduce his friend to strangers and tell them they had to fight his “dog.” If they declined, they had to fight Jack, who stood six foot five and reveled in violence. For Jay, the early Bad Religion shows were “exciting and terrifying and cathartic.” Punk bands whipped the crowd into a frenzy, and when the audience gave that energy back, unpredictable things happened. Bad Religion tapped into that energy in places that were unsanctioned, unsupervised, and unsafe.

Many if not most punk rockers used drugs and alcohol to rise to the occasion and/or deal with the emotions the experience generated. For some punk bands, like the Circle Jerks, the party was their whole reason for being. But Bad Religion wasn’t a party band, nor where they interested in writing confrontational lyrics for the sake of being obnoxious. They had a higher purpose in mind.

“There’s a reason we called ourselves Bad Religion,” Brett explained. “Greg and I were attempting to be intellectuals. On our debut EP I wrote a song called ‘Oligarchy’ and Greg wrote a song called ‘Politics.’ We weren’t writing joke punk or funny punk. We were teenagers, still naive and quite immature, but we were trying.”

For all their intelligence, there was no getting around the fact that they were suburban kids who didn’t know what they were doing or what they were getting into. As fans, they were outsiders, but participating as performers didn’t make things any less baffling.

“I felt like we were in an adult world that we didn’t understand,” Jay explained. “There were other people dealing with the business side of things that I didn’t want to know about. I just wanted to play and leave. It wasn’t business and it wasn’t a party.

There was this feeling that this was important without knowing why. Maybe that was just youth and not having a grasp on things, but the party thing wasn’t really for me. I think part of that was from our discussions in Greg’s garage: ‘What do we want to be as a band? What do we want to say? How do we want to present ourselves?’ I don’t know what other bands talk about when they’re forming. I just know that we had that discussion. We didn’t want to just be up there screaming, ‘Fuck the cops!’ or ‘I hate my parents!’ There had to be something more meaningful than that. That was how we felt about the band. It wasn’t a vehicle for drugs. It wasn’t a vehicle for money. It was a vehicle for us to say the things that we felt. That was more important than anything else.”

Excerpt adapted from Do What You Want: The Story of Bad Religion by Bad Religion with Jim Ruland. Copyright © 2020. Available from Hachette Books, an imprint of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

This content was originally published here.