#like am i someone or am i no one perceived to be someone
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the only one
Sylus has a soft spot for you.
sylus ♡ gn!reader
warnings: reader is the protagonist but gender neutral, pre-established relationship, crude & violent descriptions, not proofread
notes: muehehe
You are the only one in the world who can treat Sylus like this.
“[Name],” he calls for the nth time. “[Name].”
Sylus observes the furrow of your brow, the wobbly line of your lips. He notices the way your entire expression scrunches up, the way you visibly gasp when your gaze drifts over the most audacious line of the book you’re reading.
It’s endearing, really. The way your feelings dance across your face, oblivious to the crimson irises that do the same. Sylus notices all these things about you; he also notices how you don’t notice him, how your attention is fixated wholly on your book, how his adoring looks are bested by an inanimate object and how his terribly-obvious advances are shut down because of printed words on a paper.
Sylus hates losing. He hates being ignored. In fact, Sylus has never been ignored in his life—his sheer presence commands attention, his gaze alone being enough to silence a crowd. When it comes to you, however, his gaze is not enough.
Again, you are the only one in the world who can treat Sylus like this.
“[Name].” Sylus has had enough of losing. He reaches for the book and steals it from your hands.
“Sylus?” you reply, as if he hadn’t been there the entire time. “Since when did you arrive?”
Oh, he thinks. So, to you, he really hadn’t been there the entire time.
“Ten minutes ago,” he states coolly.
“Huh? Why didn’t you call me? Or tell me?”
“I did.”
“Really? Oh, sorry! That book was really getting crazy, I mean, like, the main character was—”
Sylus decides not to mention the part where he gave up. He had tried to get your attention, but somewhere along the way, he opted to sit in your presence instead, perceiving despite not being perceived.
In the silence, Sylus’s gaze trailed over your features, from the bridge of your nose to the curl of your lips. His red eyes tied knots around your expression, burning the image into his retinas, weaving the strings towards himself, from the base of your pinky to his. Sylus hates being ignored. He hates losing and he hates the idea of not being acknowledged.
When it comes to you, however, it’s different.
Everything is different.
“And then—oh, sorry. Am I boring you with the details?” you suddenly say, becoming bashful. Your pupils avert from his. Sylus is desperate to force them back on him, his brows furrowing ever-so slightly.
Quicker than he can think, he replies, “Not at all.”
You look at him. The tension laced into his expression eases.
“I almost forgot to ask,” you say, switching topics abruptly, “why are you here, Sylus?”
He chuckles at your bluntness. You are the only one in the world who can talk like that to him.
“I just wanted to see someone.”
Your eyes widen. Sylus relishes in the sight, unblinking, desperate and wild and oh, utterly miserable. To rely only on sight is a terrible fate, but again, you are the only one in the world who Sylus cannot catch. Your image slips in between his mind, falling through the intangibility of memory and vision. You cannot be contained—your unabashed and radiant spirit, your breathtaking and limitless beauty. You torture him! With thoughts of your existence, with thoughts of your real and incomparable being!
You—you exist!
(Sometimes, Sylus can’t believe it. And then he looks at you, and then himself, and he realizes that you are damn near divine. You are damn near intangible, an entity he worships, a concept he follows and offers himself towards. If you were to tell him to dismember himself now, Sylus thinks he would. If you were to ask him for his eyes, he’d tell you to hand him a knife. If you were to ask him for his heart, he’d tell you to take all four chambers.)
“You… you wanted to see me?”
Sylus smirks a little. “Did I say that?”
Your face erupts with embarrassment. “Hey! You… you!”
“Me,” he affirms.
(Look at you.)
Mirth flickers across the carmine expanse of his irises, the scarlet of his lips and the crimson within his veins. His pupils catch your for a moment before you look away, covering your expression with the palm of your hand. Sylus is used to people avoiding his gaze, to shying away from his presence out of sheer terror. He prefers it that way, really. It makes his job easier.
(Look at him.)
When it comes to you, however, it’s different. Sylus doesn’t want you avert your eyes from his—he wants to peer into your soul, to pick apart the temple with his own bloodied hands, to witness for himself the grandness of your presence, the impossibility of your existence.
(How could he ever believe you exist? When he is terrible and haunted, while you—oh, you—are utterly divine?)
Sylus wants you to perceive him. He wants you to pick him apart, too. To dismember him! To peel apart his skin and come to realize that everything, everything within himself—from the branches of his veins to the curl of his ribs—have only ever flowed back to his heart.
And you own that heart of his. That wretched, twisted little thing. You own it. And everything else that comes with it.
“You’re so…!”
“So?” Sylus encourages you to continue, tilting his head slightly. A smirk twists at his lips. He’s enjoying this far too much.
“Whatever!” You try to snatch the book back from his hands, your movements agile and befitting a hunter. Unfortunately for you, Sylus is used to playing things dirty, so he snaps the novel away with his Evol and calls it a day.
“Let’s go,” he says, standing up. “You like the arcade, right?”
You glare at him without saying a word.
You are the only one in the world who would ever make Sylus wait. Still, he obliges.
“You’re insufferable,” you mutter.
He hums. “And?”
“Disrespectful.”
Sylus’s cool expression remains unfazed. “I’ve never heard that one before.”
You snort. “Who would ever call you that?”
Only you, he thinks. For some reason, the thought doesn’t irritate him.
After all, you are the only one in the world who can treat Sylus like this.
(As a matter of fact, to Sylus, you are the only one in the world.)
#love and deepspace#loveanddeepspace#love and deepspace x reader#sylus x reader#sylus#lads sylus#love and deepspace sylus#lnds sylus#l&ds sylus#sylus qin#sylus love and deepspace#sylus x mc
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so, jinx in act one of season two. see, for three years i expected a full on descent into chaos and madness beyond any repair. i'd made peace with that, too. so i'm surprised - pleasantly, joyfully surprised.
very long analysis ahead on where they're taking her and how it speaks to me.
we first meet her again during silco's eulogy sequence - a beautiful sequence, halfway between dreamlike and real. "just like when vander shoved off", she says about his death. except it's not. after vander's death, after vi's perceived abandonment, everything jinx could feel was self-centered. she would say "she's not my sister anymore". she would devalue these people entirely. in fact, every single reaction to any action done by her loved ones would be self-centered and extreme. that is very much how her mental process works, how her trauma caused her to work. and more so: when silco would ask of her any work, any mission, she'd do the job purely for his sake, his affection, his approval, never caring about the cause.
in short, she was never able to get out of her own head for as much as a single minute. now, she starts the funeral off with "chembarons warring for control of the lanes. wannabe street thugs squabbling over scraps. just like when vander shoved off." and it's not about her abandonment anymore. it's not about being left alone. it's not about her. she's talking to silco about his city, his legacy, his world, his chembarons, his lanes. she's out of her own head, and it's the first time we ever see it.
"because someone put all those holes in you", she says then. and this is so interesting because there's obviously a dissociation here, as well as a very intense grief and sadness. we are obviously still dealing with someone who's deeply traumatized and unstable, but let's compare this with powder after the deaths of vander, mylo and claggor. powder had a full breakdown, both turned into a complete de-evaluation of vi as i was mentioning earlier and full desperation. "i only wanted to help, i only wanted to help, i only wanted to help".
this chaotic desperation is something jinx kept within herself throughout the entirety of s1 up until - the tea party. which i'm getting at, in a minute. point being, for now, that the jinx we see during silco's eulogy is grieving and lost and rootless and asking herself "what am i supposed to do with that?", but she lacks the chaotic full-on desperation that would lead her to acts of explosive destruction and/or self-destruction in s1. in fact, she's incredibly quieter. she's more grounded, more present in her movements, in the way she fights, in the way she talks.
in retrospect even her final action in s1, the infamous missile, already had the energy we're seeing now. it wasn't instinctive, driven by hallucinations or trauma or rage or an unrestrained trigger; it was silco's legacy and it was calculated. silco's death, i think now, left jinx as rootless as she's ever been, but it also left her with an acceptance of who she is. "don't cry, you're perfect". the tea party ends with her 'choosing' jinx and if you'd asked me before season two, i would have said with full certainty it meant she'd be going to be a loose cannon. entirely and with no possibility of ever being anything else. that's not what i think now.
i think she came to terms with who she is. i think now that the seat at the tea party wasn't a symbol of complete derailing, it was in a way a symbol of acceptance. "here's to the new us". she's fought her fight between powder and jinx and the tea party has permitted her to gain, in some way, a sense of closure. very importantly, having lost what she perceived as vi's acceptance, and having lost a father, she has also been able to shed the constant and desperate need to be in their favor.
during the 'sucker' sequence, we see her going through the lanes with a hood on her hair, very low-key. loose cannon jinx would have never, ever done that. loose cannon jinx would, quite simply, not have cared. she would have been extra, and explosive, and in everyone's faces. she's preserving herself not to be found, and that's new. again, i think she's still lost and rootless and grieving and really asking herself what she's supposed to do now that she's entirely autonomous and i also think there's definitely still a lot of bitterness and rage when it comes to vi which we obviously get to see during their fight and in no way is she magically ~healthy or anything like that - however.
she is still walking those streets in a way that indicates self-preservation. it would have been very, very easy for jinx to be captured by any of those goons and/or got herself killed. and for some reason, whether that be an apathetic, mourning state or mind, or whether that be some gained peace in who she is, or both - she didn't.
given all this, the new element that season two act one has introduced for her that truly moved me and made me feel... healed in a sort of way, is the introduction of human bonds for jinx that defy her historical, co-dependent mechanism of idolization and de-evaluation. ergo, sevika and isha. this is incredible for her and most of all, it's realistic. it's a chance at something, but it doesn't feel forced, nor fairytale-esque, nor does it resemble your usual ~redemption arc.
sevika and isha function as people who she's building some bond with, and since she's a little bit less in her own fucking head, and since she's not clinging to them as idealized protectors / saviours and neither is she refusing them as betrayers, and since she's not constantly fighting between what she perceives as her double identity anymore, she finally has the possibility to experience healthier bonds. sevika functions as somebody who still ties her to silco, possibly the closest thing she has right now to any root she might have left, and it works: reminiscing silco with her, gifting her the arm, doesn't leave her utterly alone but neither does it let her fall into the trap of clinging onto yet another figure from whom to fully depend.
and isha, very obviously, functions as the possibility of healing her inner child which is a goldmine for her storyline. her bond with isha could clearly have a narrative tie to jinx & silco, to jinx & vi, and most importantly to jinx and powder herself - this is all quite obvious but again, it's not executed in a way that feels like a forced 'redemption arc' or whatnot. the idea of this little street kid who just imprints on her like a lost little duckling, which is in no way jinx's decision, simply feels natural and heartwarming. does this mean i presume such healing of her inner child is going to come easy to her? no. but it's something. it's something very different from anything she's ever experienced before.
even through the loss, the rootlessness, the grief and confusion, the panic attack we see her experiencing through the lanes as a consequence of the moment she sees vi and caitlyn's enforcer squad, even through the brutality of the fight with vi, - and this is all to say, she's still a very traumatized individual, which is important because it would have just been senseless to have jinx somehow get fully stable like a switch had been flipped - we're seeing something new for jinx here. i've seen many posts related to "i'm glad it's you", and i might be unpopular here but while i do think jinx still has an element of suicidality, i also think she was at least half bluffing there. comparing her micro-expressions with the ones back on the bridge fight with ekko, i'm under the impression she was testing vi, at the very least partially. "poisoning us with gas?" is also an interesting line because even in her attack at her sister, she's less focused on her own trauma and more on something that we've hardly seen from her before - belonging to the lanes.
all of this to say, i'm loving the path they're taking for her. it's still very much jinx. it feels like jinx. but she's not just about to wreak senseless and desperate havoc in order to be seen by either her sister or her father, because there's no one to be seen by anymore. she's not fighting a desperate battle between her identities either, because she's accepted her place. she's not loud and erratic, she's quieter and coming to terms with herself. closure is truly the word that comes to mind, for me, in how i see her arc right now. closure, and unexpectedly, possibility.
#arcane meta#arcane#arcane spoilers#arcane s2#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane season two#arcane season two spoilers#jinx#vi#silco#sevika#isha
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I am too tired and too depressed to deal with it right now, but sometimes it drives me absolutely insane how people perceive the purity culture debate in fandom.
it's nice that it's not a big deal for you. it's nice that it just looks like petty squabbling to you. I'm glad you get to worry about "real" problems instead.
but I was harassed for multiple years by people who doxxed me, tried to call the cops on me, systematically ostracized me from the only social groups I had, and ultimately left me with a tremendous amount of trauma--and this was because of the fiction I consumed and supported.
I've known people whose lives were ruined. and I mean RUINED. I mean jobs lost, relationships severed, complete mental breaks from prolonged persecution. over fiction.
on top of it all, the freedom to depict anything in fiction is important to me, and I'd be on the side of that whether all the trauma had happened or not. but listen to me. I need you to understand that this isn't just ship wars, that no matter how insignificant the root issue of what people find acceptable in fandom seems to you, that you're not seeing the full picture.
people love an easy enemy. they love a valid target. it's so easy to moralize your discomfort to the point that you see people who make you uncomfortable as subhuman. do they really believe art can be equivalent to real life abuse? sometimes. but plenty of the time it's just a handy justification to be the boot on someone else's throat.
do you understand how damaging it is to be chased out of every community you care about, and every one you try to join after? do you know how terrifying it is to see your personal information in someone else's hands, to know they think you deserve the worst, to fear SWATing or accusatory calls to your employer or landlord or what the fuck ever? do you know how exhausting it is to fear every new relationship you make, every new community you join, worried that if their stances on fiction don't align with yours it might happen all over again? do you know how much it hurts to be called all sorts of monstrous things, things people BELIEVE about you, because of the fucking fanfic you wrote?
I get it, internet battles over fiction seem ridiculous. please look at the bigger picture. it's fascist controlling of the art other people can make, and it's a handy excuse to enact horrible abuse on people who ~clearly~ deserve it. do not belittle victims of these things just because it's all online, it doesn't seem like a threat to you, it seems pointless.
and it probably goes without saying that if you think anyone deserves any of that for the fiction they create or consume, get the fuck away from me.
#tox.txt#im very fucking tired of this being treated like its stupid when ive seen lives ruined over it#just because you dont understand or it isnt a threat to you specifically doesnt mean it isnt a real issue
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First of all, and to get things straight: I am a biological woman, identifying as a woman and also identifying as a feminist. That being said, let's break this dumpster fire down.
What can be observed in this reblog chain is a bunch of self-identifying feminists (including radfems) stopping by the Tumblr post of a MINOR. Based on Tumblr guidelines, said minor might be as young as 13 years old and based on his own post, identifies as male. Furthermore, he is outspokenly leftist (statistically speaking, he is unlikely to have the mind of a misogynist). All of these can be found out by taking so much as five minutes out of your day to do some research rather than making snarky comments.
In his original post, OP expresses his concerns about the feminist movement and points out that man-hatred is actually counter-productive to a healthy pro women movement; And THAT is a legitimate concern and widely known issue.
While OP's message uses rough wording (to the point of other users framing his words as though he implied that the only natural response to unfair treatment is to exact unfair treatment on others) the core meaning holds true. Young children are IMPRESSIONABLE, in case you have ever wondered why young girls are so susceptible to grooming. Young boys are not deriving their behaviors from the void; they are being taught by someone. Who is that someone? Well, it depends on which group the boy in question feels most at home in.
Which one would you pick? The group that has piled or would be willing to pile roughly 100 hate reblogs on you for saying a slightly wrong thing or the group that is telling you that the other group is inherently stupid? One is invalidating you and offering an unsafe, unpredictable environment. The other is offering a validating and safe, predictable environment.
Teens are on a search for identity and connection. This usually causes them to search and find labels and groups to identify their own person by. Perhaps it doesn't ring any bells but "The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth" and this applies here as well. The group that doesn't accept you is the enemy by default. This is why misogynists WANT boys to believe that feminists are anti male or male sexists; if one group is alienating you, you are left with the groups that don't. Preferably, you will then seek out a group that validates your (perceived) experiences of alienization. And that is the first step. The rest is a pipeline. Once you have identified with a group, your mind is fertile ground for their rhetoric.
You think being mistreated is no justification for being a horrible person? Neither do I! And neither did OP. The problem is that there's a certain cause and effect at play that's driving men away from us and to misogynists like Trump and Tate. Not exclusively, but it sure fucking helps. And considering your reaction, all of you either seem oblivious to that fact or too self-absorbed in your frustrations to care.
"If mean words are turning you into Hitler 2 bla bla" rich words considering there are likely dozens of grown-ass adults piling on a minor on this post and none of them have been called out yet. But no. Bad experiences don't justify bad behavior. Surely.
Even if the alienization is only perceived, it can- Oh wait. It is not actually just perceived, is it? Responses are ranging from "we had it worse and are justified in our anger; you are not" to hopefully sarcastic "men don't even deserve to exist" statements that cannot even be read as sarcastic because everything sounds the same on the internet.
Anyway, even perceived alienization can change a person's political affiliation for the worse. No, this cannot always be prevented. You are not being asked to pander to anybody - you are being asked not to offer young boys to self-proclaimed "alpha men" on a silver platter.
I hate to tell you (actually, no I don't), but we are living in a society comprised of both women and men. Feminism is a joint effort and not a game of Trauma Olympics like what you guys are trying to pull.
Hating on men and claiming masculinity is evil is going to have the complete opposite effect as to what you intended.
Let me set the scene, there's a freshly 13 year old boy, he's been told his whole life that boys don't cry, boys aren't allowed to have feelings. He gets internet access, and what SHOULD be happening is that people tell him that's all wrong and of course boys should have emotions, but that doesn't happen. Instead what happens is he gets met with dozens upon dozens of people claiming men DON'T have emotions. This boy tries to fight back, he replies to a post and he says that it's not true, boys aren't evil and they can be sad and hurt sometimes. What happens? People bully him. They laugh at him for being sad, say he deserves it. They tell him all men are horrible and he's destined to be evil.
What do you think happens? Do you think he's going to put in the effort to be a good guy? Fuck no. He's going to assume that's his fate and be shitty, because he was never met with kindness and understanding, he was told his kind is automatically evil.
#thank you to all the radfems in the tags being such avid tate supporters#i am sure he appreciates your efforts to make even the last boy side with him
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Can't tell if I have no personality or too many personalities
#confused#personalities#spilled thoughts#thoughts#like am i someone or am i no one perceived to be someone
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The tme/tma binary is problematic because bioessentialism and gender essentialism is problematic.
The bioessentialism in its use includes assuming that everyone born with a vulva cannot experience transmisogyny in a meaningful way despite being presented with evidence otherwise. Sure it’s not all in the same way, not all trans women and transfems amab have all the same experiences either, but they can always specify something like “hey I’m an intersex trans woman who was afab but raised as a guy.”
The gender essentialism in its use includes assuming that everyone who identifies as a man cannot experience transmisogyny in a meaningful way despite being presented with evidence otherwise. Drag queens don’t get systemically targeted by transmisogyny even when there is legislation targeting their right to be in children’s and public spaces when they identify as men (cis or trans)? Are you certain? Because I’m not a drag queen and I’m not certain of that, so I can ask drag queens about it instead of assuming what their experiences are.
Julia Serano’s criticism of the tme/tma binary is that it’s use can consist of “boiling down people’s complex experiences with different types of sexism into ‘some people are privileged and some people are marginalized,’” and that’s my issue with it too.
#if someone calls themselves tma & specify something like#‘I’m a cis man but I’m consistently perceived like a trans woman & experience prejudice and discrimination as a result’#am I really qualified as someone who hasn’t lived that person’s life to say otherwise?#if someone calls themselves tma but when asked how so they say something like#‘oh I may be a cis man but one time I wore a dress & got mistaken for a trans woman & someone called me the T-slur :(‘#‘I don’t wear dresses a lot & it hasn’t happened since but I like the way tma sounds so I wanna use it’#most people would probably say. you don’t generally experience transmisogyny in that case so I’d rather#you stay out of the center of transmisogyny discussions bc they’re not about you & that’s what tma is intended for#again the transfems I know don’t think tma is a useful term either but I wanna address them respectfully#transmisogyny#tme/tma binary#mine#long post#intracommunity issues tag
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See the reason why I will always be down with the poc Jason headcanon is because I look at the way his lashing out as a grieving child gets interpreted/demonized as “anger issues”, and the way Bruce at times projected “anger issues” onto him that weren’t actually there and also immediately assumed that Jason was bound to become a dangerous criminal unless he intervened despite the fact that Jason was just trying to survive and said himself that he “didn’t wanna be a crook” and didn’t show violent inclinations until AFTER he became Robin and I go “idk, sounds kinda racialized to me buddy, hitting you with the melanin beam”. Now we know the real reason for this is classism but classism and racism are right next to each other on the periodic table so it doesn’t not fit yknow?
#This happened to my buddy Adam Parrish…Now Adam is still number one white boy of my heart but poc Adam doesn’t Not fit yknow?#but yeah as someone who as also experienced being perceived as more angry/aggressive then I actually am Jason can join the club 😁👍🏾#Jason Todd#dc#The Jason I draw/headcanon is Mexican but I feel like I need to do actual research and like write a paper before I can describe my feelings#on Black Jason. Which I might do. Not that being black and Mexican are mutually exclusive.#I could make him Afro Latino to split the difference#ACTUALLY STOP THE POST. I thought too deeply about what adding a racial dynamic to Bruce & Jason’s relationship does and I made myself sad#I’m gonna THROW UP
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It's 12am at night I have to be up in 6 hours for work and I can't stop thinking about this fuckass picture. Look at Josh's cute birthday boy. Tyler's like 🥰 because Josh is taking a picture of him. I'm ill what is their problem
#''rpf is unethical you shouldnt ship real people boo'' okay sure but tyler and josh are just like this 24/7 though#i am merely a person with eyes humbly perceiving the world#twenty one pilots#joshler#tyler joseph#josh dun#i also am fully aware someone besides josh (jenna) couldve taken this or it's edited or whatever but they do just post shit like this#i dont trust a straight explanation without evidence
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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noel and identity loss...
trying to articulate why it feels wrong to call him charlie, because thats still him but at the same time not.
he's changed and things cant go back to the way they were, noel took up a new name one to remember but also to move on
i don't think noel is a fake name to him more so just a new identity he's taken up as an extension of himself. or at least someone he's rebuilt himself as after the dreamlands. i don't think he's discarded charlie as an identity but that he just has two names that are both very real to him, however just one of them is more in the forefront than the other so he'd be unused to his old name being used.
but i also think that he'd feel extremely disconnected to his old life and name that it would be uncomfortable and feel wrong for him, might feel that his past is catching up to him or maybe he'd be afraid that if he stops using noels name he'd be abandoning him in some way
or just using the name as an escape from the king in yellow who likely would've called him by his original name
i recognise this is like probably nothing at all but it is rotating in my brain and i need to get it out, i love saying shit and being completely incoherent
#may be hard projecting but i think that noel wouldn't respond to charlie on instinct#or at least wouldn't realise that he is the one being called#maybe he'd jump or flinch at the name but wouldn't perceive it as being him ; it'd just be a name he'd recognise#me with my not-dead-deadname that i use for government stuff because changing legal name is complicated#and it's not like i entirely hate my original name since it's already genderneutral all things considered but still feels so WEIRD#i can deal with being called it but it's just not ?? who i perceive myself as?#DOES THIS MEAN ANYTHING??#anyway taking up the name of someone/something that is important to you is core transgender experience right#i'm normal and i have normal thoughts about characters i enjoy#i am just saying things and people can agree/disagree with whatever they want btw i love making thigns up#detective noel#malevolent
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all the while society conflates "being an adult" with "having a proper job" and "having money to make arbitrary Adult Purchases" disabled people who can't work - or can only work part time or can only do entry level baby jobs - will never be 'allowed' to be adults
you can say "being an adult is looking after yourself you don't have to have a job!!!" all you want but most people who say that will still assume anybody who doesn't either can't or won't 'look after themselves' actually. and every 'marker' of 'adulthood' that's observable and thus actually counts or whatever loops back around to... having a job and 'contributing' something
#yeah i have netflix on all day#i am quite literally signed off of work for the -rest of my life-#what the fuck else would you like me to do with my time when most people are in fact at work#or did you think i can't have the tv on and put laundry away at the same time or something#must i work on commissions on silence in a dour room to be perceived as an adult#anyway 'looking after yourself/your home/your pet' is not observable#to anybody who doesn't like ACTUALLY live in your house#unless you are extremely obviously NOT doing it#if a tree falls in a forest etc#owning a house? job. like not even 'in this economy? lol'#disabled people LITERALLY can't because we aren't allowed to have enough savings for a deposit#car? would you honestly trust me with a vehicle lol but also: job#you mostly cannot buy a car without one it's a requirement for the lease#otherwise you aren't 'trusted' to pay it on time#incidentally most landlords will also - perfectly legally - refuse to rent to you because you are going to be unreliable with the rent#which is being paid directly by the gov anyway like take your trust issues up with them bro#a family? if i get married or cohabit with a partner my income gets sliced in half#so to support even myself let alone a child would require. drumroll please. employment#savings? adults have savings right? yeah but unlike you i have a gov enforced cap on mine#'good furniture not shit from ikea' (someone has remarked that ikea furniture is 'college dorm-y' it's going here)#i mean do i have to say it
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Ian could hit me with a train and I'd still ask him to rail me
I feel this on a spiritual level 🙏
#ian hecox#een#☀️#sometimes i see him in vids and i am just like give me ONE chance to suck you off#and i say that as someone with a weak gag reflex who doesnt like giving oral that much#lilac answers#asked and answered#sorry for the tmi#dont perceive me
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🕸️
#yeah so the problem is that ... i fuck things up :(((#i know that i mattered to him i felt that he cared and that i was important#like honestly it's one of the few times i've ever felt it#but then comes the fucking bpd and avpd insecurity#like if i just one time perceive that oh im annoying#then i just pull back and think am i crazy why could anyone not think im annoying#even if i got reassurance multiple times i was like still .. it was still so hard for me#and like with everything i write on here it makes it seem like i dont care or dont value etc etc#also like :(( im not too fragile to hear abt problems or troubles. i make it seem like its that way#but i WANT to be here and listen to the person i care for. it's not too much for me and idk with how emotionally intense i am#idk how to show that... and im too scared of expressing positive emotions bc i fear being ridiculed by the universe#and it all gets so wrong bc he never made me feel ashamed or stupid or too much#he made me feel the opposite!!!! it was me who made it seem like i didnt care it was me who pulled back#it's so sad and frustrating bc the entire time i kept thinking to myself dont ruin this dont ruin this#be aware of the avpd symptoms and stop them pls dont ruin this#and i tried but in hindsight and with more context clues from the other perspective..#i realized that what i felt wasnt shown... :(((#so i am upset bc im not 'losing' someone (romantically) who doesnt value or care for me#it's someone who i did matter to who did care for me and want me#who i was too scared too fearful to be brave and show him and let him#god.. i hate myself so much!!!#and i do hate myself bc of this. bc it has happened before#it happened now with the most important person to me#and it will happen again#and idk.. bc my brain is also so stupid bc#NOW i know. now im not scared anymore with that person. but it's too late :c#(like i thought i shouldve given space but then i get anxious and i pull away too much and idk how to find the balance)
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//who are THESE fresh squids?? (made here)
okay these guys might not get a mention on this blog for a while- if ever- so i'm gonna talk about them now bc i've been rotating them in my mind for a while
these are captain's siblings! the ones they left behind when they were 14 to run away to inkopolis. captain certainly isn't proud of leaving them behind at ALL, in fact the one thing they wish they'd done differently is taking them with them, even if it would've been damn near impossible to take care of 2 younger siblings all on their own away from home when they were already struggling to take care of themself. they have no idea how their siblings fared with their neglectful ass father after they left, but pierce (right) was only a year or 2 younger than them, so they hoped he'd be able to leave soon too- taking harper (left) with him
so yeah harper (left) i think is probably around 16 or 17 now, having been 7 or 8 when captain left. since she was pretty young she didn't really know exactly why they left, and they didn't tell her either, so i'd say she probably resents them for it. she's a hotheaded edgy teen, classic rebel, you know the deal.
and then there's pierce (right), who's around 21 or 22 now, so he would've been 12 or 13 when they left. even if they didn't say a word to him before packing their bags and hopping a train at the asscrack of dawn, he knows exactly why they did. because being a kid and not only growing up, but having to parent your 2 younger siblings in your father's place, is hard. he basically had to take on their role as caretaker of harper when they left, being the second oldest, and that's how he realized. he doesn't resent them exactly, but he does wish they'd at least said goodbye. he's an outwardly chipper guy, and puts on a brave face even at the worst of times.
and they both did eventually get out of that house- pierce didn't leave as soon as he turned 14 like captain did (though cod, he wanted to) but when harper was old enough to be left home alone he got a job and saved up what he could to get himself and his younger sister out of there. and then when harper was 12 and he was 17, he got them both out of there. they might have gone somewhere else first, but i wanna say they probably ended up in splatsville, living in an apartment together with pierce doing what he can to support harper through school, and she does some turfing herself to help with rent and save up her own money so she can get her own place eventually.
i feel like the reason they probably haven't run into captain is that captain lives in inkopolis and only really goes to splatsville to visit rookie, and the last time they saw their siblings, neither of them were fully transformed yet, and they aren't so easy to recognize anymore themself. so if they've happened to pass each other on the street, it'd take more than just a cursory glance to realize just who they're passing. so it could definitely, and likely will, happen eventually. who's to say.
#headcanons#muse lore#jesus chirst this is a fucking novel and a half#but also i wanna say i think the reason captain is so fiercely loyal and 'no squid left behind' with their current found family#is because they'll die before repeating their perceived mistake with their siblings#tbcf to them they were only FOURTEEN YEARS OLD and were NOT equipped to raise 2 younger siblings#so it's fully understandable why they would dip as soon as they could from the situation.#they loved their siblings. they did everything they could. but they reached their breaking point. so they left that house before they broke#they DO feel a lot of guilt over it but they've never tried to go back and find them for multiple reasons- the guilt being one of them#but also when it comes to their father: i likely won't incorporate him into the blog in any way more than a mention or a flashback#he was a single father of 3 and he did an absolute shrimpshit job of it.#should've gotten help with parenting from someone OTHER than his oldest barely teenaged child#though he pushed the parenting role onto them long before they reached their teen years#anyway what the fuck am i talking about#wrote ANOTHER WHOLE ESSAY IN HTE TAGS I'M SORRY#I JUST HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS BACKSTORY I'VE BEEN CRAFTING FOR THIS SQUID BEHIND THE SCENES#but anyway my point with these tags is: it's a very complicated family dynamic#all these squids are fucked up but at least they're out of that house now#i DO want to incorporate them into the blog somehow i'm just not sure when/how yet#ooc
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Sooooo one of my mutuls reminded me that I love The Talented Mr. Ripley so much and I am 100% not normal about it and I just to say that the last time I rewatched it (a few months ago) I hadn't watched that movie for a long time and my only thought was "they want you to think Tom Ripley is the dangerous character but it's actually Dickie Greenleaf. Nothing can destroy your life like the nonchalance a charming person picks you up and puts you down with". And I was 100% sure of that. And then I rewatched the movie and I was like "Okay maybe Tom Ripley was the problem" but you need to understand that everytime I watch that movie it fucks with my brain and my past friendships so hard after a while I always find myself thinking "if Dickie just knew how to love Tom in the right way, none of this would have happened. It's Dickie's fault." And it's not! Tom is deeply fucked up for several reasons! But this movie fucks so hard with me pegs my brain gaslights me like an abusive boyfriend that I always end up thinking "Tom did nothing wrong. Tom did nothing wrong, if Dickie just loved him the right way. It's Dickie's fault."
I just think that people like Dickie Greenleaf can make anyone insane. I think I'd rather never knew the joy of bashing in Dickie's attention that living through the desperation of being derived of it.
#being told I was unable to love right sure adds some layers to this conversation#this movie FUCKS#anthony minghella I'm in your walls#the talented mr ripley#jude law#matt damon#I've been a Tom all my life but sometimes I suspect I have been Dickie to some people#and the power that I might have held over them makes me sick#I associate Dickie Greenleaf with the children judges of Munster in Q by Luther Blisset#which is NOT a good thing#or to Jan of Leida's wife. which is also not good.#something about innocence in cruelty. being unable to perceive the evil one's causing.#but it's not your fault nor anybody's fault if that's your natural attitude. Hurting others without even noticing.#if you use your love like an ancient God would. Give and take back at your pleasure.#au plaisir de Dieu but you are the God#and what people want from you? You're just one. You can't be there for everybody all the time.#that's the job of a supreme entity but that's how people see you. Brighter than the sun. It's not your fault. It's not their fault.#you have a right to your love and your attention but they have a right to that as well because once they've tried it they can't go back#it's intoxicating being loved by someone like Diclie Greenleaf. Any man who has tried that would rather kill themed rather than go back#being ignored after that#it's Dickie who leaves death and desperation behind him#*conveniently ignores Tom Ripley's a psychopath* Ooooh I forgot about that part#anyway yeah movies I am sooooo normal about
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i think people who argue about minecraft saying shit like "the devs are lazy and bad!" or "these updates are free and you should be grateful!" need to understand that these are both equally stupid takes devoid of nuance or critical thought
#june speaks#minecraft#it's hard to have total creative freedom under the thumb of the biggest tech company in the world#cuz the people paying you don't want to have to pay more than they need to or risk even a penny of potential profit on gettin experimental#and it's normal n healthy to expect something you paid for and enjoy to not get worse or have to be paid for again#we shouldn't give mojang/microsoft too much credit or praise for what ought to be the norm#respect your desires as a player but also respect that these are human people you're yelling at. be normal about it for like five mins#but if i had to single one out;#i'd say shaming criticism towards the game and devs because you perceive it as entitlement is the worse of the two#like that feels more harmful to the community and game to me than just saying ''this kinda sucks. make it better'' like an unhelpful asshol#because for one; as someone who paid for a product you are in fact at least partly entitled to the future state of the product#but more importantly the result of this shaming is less honest community engagement and a game that's not made for its players#so it's very frustrating to me that i'm seeing a lot more people rag on folks who are critical of the game than i am like#people actually praising the contents of the latest snapshot#you're making up a boot to lick for no reason and to the benefit of nobody. why.
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