#like about unmasking my autism & trying to figure out what’s actually me/what I actually like/who I actually am

[oncominggstorm]

Y’all ever wish you could just take a vacation from thinking for a while?

[drdemonprince]

i was on NPR talking about Autism shit two weeks ago, and i have the book sales figures from that week and that national media appearance had.... absolutely zero relationship to sales. on the typical week these days, 1,400 to 1,500 copies of Unmasking Autism will sell. The week that I was on NPR there was a slight dip; only about 1,300 books were sold.

i have done a lot of press for my books. For Laziness Does Not Exist I did easily a 100 damn podcasts and radio shows and newspapers and excerpts in magazines. none of it corresponded to a noticeable bump in sales. the biggest "get" my publicist found for my latest book was the Glennon Doyle show, a booking she and her team celebrated and then spent months clamboring excitedly for... it, too, had no obvious relationship to sales.

Unmasking Autism became a bestseller because some other guy made a tiktok about it, and then a bunch of tiktokkers made videos about it too. all on their own. without any prodding from me, or any relationship to me. it was completely organic, passionate, and sincere, and rooted in the book's true merits and usefulness to other people, and that's why it inspired lots of sales. and continues to more than a year and a half later. all the press I did for Unmasking Autism prior to the release of that tiktok did relatively far less. NPR, Goop, the LA Times, Lit Hub, Jacobin, Huffpo, the New York Times, the Financial Times, MSNBC, Business Insider. Didn't matter. at least not much. so why do i bother?

publishers really ride your ass trying to make you give lots of interviews and show up for lots of events but it's all based on the worship of traditional media and magical thinking that it will somehow convert listeners into buyers. and that's just not how it works. the truth is 95% of books never sell more than 5,000 copies, and most people don't buy books or read them. i love reading but i dont think this is itself some terrible loss, as most books are padded-out commodities made for sale more than a work of true artistic passion or scholarly merit, and sometimes listening to a 90 minute interview with an author tells you the bulk of what you need to know.

it's freeing to know that the effort i put into getting my books out into the world have almost zero relationship to the books' success. marketing just does not work. it's a relief. unmasking autism did fabulously because it's actually both good and useful. laziness has had a long life span because it speaks to real problems in people's lives and gives them a message they are desperate to hear. but no amount of thirsty ass online shilling will make somebody realize that and it's maddening to try. you just gotta focus on doing good work, work that you enjoy making or need to make and that you feel good about, let things flop if theyre gonna flop, and keep on living your life.

which is all good news because i really do hate a lot of these fucking interviews. how can i stomach being on npr or in the atlantic or whatever these days given how complicit nearly all major media outlets are in justifying this genocide. like who fuckin cares about them, who wants their approval. who needs it. it's of no value

[acetone4veins]

do you have any hcs about Regina's diagnosis(and/or just realisation that she has) of autism + ADHD? like when it happened, how her parents dealt with it etc.

tysm and I love your hcs x

I think if she got diagnosed it had to have been when she was really young, before she learned how to mask fully

Anyone who's read my Regina character study knows I hc the George parents as awful so I don't think they would handle Regina's diagnosis well at all

They tell Regina she's not allowed to tell anyone because it would ruin their "perfect" image and put so much pressure on her to act "normal"

Alternatively, if we want to be slightly nicer, then maybe her mom is more okay with it then her dad and this is what ultimately splits their marriage. Because her mom disagrees with how her dad treats Regina which is why he's not in their life anymore

Regina probably buys in to the idea that there's something "wrong" with her and getting diagnosed just solidifies it in her mind, so she tries to just pretend it didn't happen and never gets any actual help in managing her autism/ADHD in healthy ways

This brings me back to my point that her meltdowns are always so intense because she spends so long repressing

I don't think Regina accepts this part of herself until post canon, when after the bus is gets impossible to hide with how stressed and in pain she is, but her friends are so understanding and they all try and learn about the best ways to help

She finally comes to terms with her diagnosis and starts to unmask around her friends eventually, and it's a whole learning process that she should've been allowed to go through as a kid but never did, so it's a lot of trial and error for her to figure out what works and what doesn't for her, and any potential triggers or stressors

[801080]

Masking

While I come to terms with the diagnosis I received earlier this year, I've been thinking over how masking looks to me. I really can't say if this is a universal experience, but from what I've consumed about ASD, the following seems to be standard.

This may be common knowledge but I want to share my experience. I do not want you to think that this post is prescriptive of Autism, but descriptive of my own experience that maybe yours is too.

The hardest part for me in unmasking was trying to figure out who I was before I started masking. I'm 32 now, and had been masking since I was 14. I had my second crisis of self in 3 years as I tried to figure out who I was and how much of me was masked.

The reality is that the mask is not a completely different person. It was still me, but I was actively and even passively suppressing parts of myself.

I was worried that the new interests I had attained during that time were not really me. That is not the case though, as there were some things that I had to actively pretend to like (which were most things), and some things I actually liked. That was my biggest crisis is trying to figure out which of my new hobbies (guitar, metal music, writing), were a performance.

If you are worried how much of you is a mask and what isn't, one piece of advice people give is to "find how you feel when you mask". It's not helpful when you don't know what is masking. The real question to ask yourself is "When I am doing this, am I doing it because it is expected of me?"

Masking feels like vertigo in the body to me. I'm mentally and emotionally off balance. It feels like fulfilling a perceived obligation even when you are alone. It is however a different feeling than depression. I guess I can say that depression is like feeling an obligation to yourself, and masking is feeling an obligation to others or to your social status. It can even feel like a betrayal of yourself.

[vizthedatum]

cw: a huge vent

Yeah, I woke up early, felt ok physically (was slightly flaring yesterday but I had a really nice time with my gf and it really made up for all of it haha), and then went down memory lane and started crying.

Then, I ate ice cream for breakfast.

Facepalm.

Today, I'm supposed to start a whole new regimen of supplements and meds (I'm still not on as many prescription meds as I've typically been, and I'd like to see how much I can keep it that way). I have my medication pill organizer all organized! I've written out notes and schedules for myself: morning, afternoon, evening, emergencies, morning routine, nighttime routine, grocery lists, etc.

*cries*

I know I will adhere to this - I am trying to give myself so many chances to succeed in life - I WANT TO LIVE FOR MYSELF.

--

I feel so stupid for falling in love with the people of my past.

I feel so stupid for making so many mistakes.

Every day I wonder if I'm just a bad person.

I still apologize for a lot of my unmasked traits.

I am still regretting my poor behavior with a lot of people.

Was I a lousy spouse? Was I a bad child? Am I the actual abuser in all of this?!

What could I have done to make it better??????????

Should I have just stayed quiet - ignored things until I vanished?

--

Sometimes, I wonder if I actually did kill Pri (dead-nickname and the name I used to go by) - what if I killed her so that she didn't have to live through the complex web of lies that she had created for herself?

I GAVE ALL OF THEM SO MUCH BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

I know that I've just recycled parts of her instead - recycled her into who she wanted to be: me.

I'm not plural, but having had PTSD and undiagnosed autism and ADHD for so long... it feels so jarring to be more authentic.

It's so jarring to heal.

--

And what about everyone that Pri loved???

I've often said in this blog that I've been reevaluating everyone Pri loved. I told my therapist last week that I don't regret cutting all the friendships/relationships off from the last year EXCEPT FOR ONE. (Edit: in the end, I have to admit - that situationship or whatever wasn’t really respectful to me - and while I enjoyed aspects, it was a joke of what I truly deserve)

I was so fucking caught up in my trauma that I just couldn't handle it - and I hurt someone I really cared about. I keep telling myself that they didn't even really care about me - but I'm sure they did, at least as a friend or a person in their life.

That relationship made me question a lot, but I was already questioning many things.

That relationship made me realize how poorly I valued myself and how badly I misjudged the toxic way I was attracted to other people.

That relationship wasn't what made me leave my ex-spouse, even if we had arguments about it.

My ex-spouse is why I left my ex-spouse.

The more I live by myself and reconnect with my hobbies, spirituality, friends, healthy depictions of love, etc. - the more I realize how UNSAFE I was.

I still weep at pictures of myself from 2019-2022.... how could someone who claimed to love me let me be in such disarray?

How could I have married someone in the midst of chaos, arguments, debates that were clearly meant to defeat me every time, psychological violence, etc.?!

Why didn't I just BREAK UP WITH THEM AND KICK THEM OUT YEARS AGO - instead of having the stupidest marriage where I was the only active participant, living in a dangerous and toxic environment, and being in financial devastation?

I am still recovering from the financial blow I took when I left them in 2022. Before I left, I barely had any credit card debt (I did have a lot of student loans but that is a whole other story - plus I had qualified for loan forgiveness before that was nixed by our government), my credit score was amazing, and I was going to try to recover from burnout (I AM STILL IN BURNOUT)....

I have no idea when I'll be able to really recover - I am trying to figure it all out, and of course, I have a plan (I must - I keep having to be forced into it - and I fucking like having a comfortable life)... but I wonder, when will be the day when I can't just do it anymore?

When will I be unable to "hack" life?

Will I relapse into my codependency and end up with immature partners who expect me to push through my autism and various other disabilities to the point of me completely falling apart while they yell at me about how ungrateful, selfish, and insecure I am?

Will I just be perpetually used as a sex object until people think I'm too ugly and too annoying to be used any further?

--

I have had to heal from who I was to figure all of these questions out. I wasn't in great long-term relationships before this one, and there were reasons for it.

I am investigating the why - I am trying to feel the emotions - I am trying to confront my own "shadows" - I am trying so hard.

I am also just trying to live life every day.

I am trying to do better on so many fronts now.

[ileftherbackhome]

So, the archer is like the perfect song to describe the autistic experience of unmasking for the first time imo. And that's basically what I'm going to write about in this post so here we go.

The first verse starting off with challenging herself on her desires, because of the effect that media has on her, is such an autistic coded line to me personally. "Combat, I'm ready for combat, I say I don't want that but what if I do?" Just perfectly describes how difficult it can be as an undiagnosed autistic person to figure out what aspects of your personality are real and which parts are for show.

Pairing that with "cruelty wins in the movies, ive got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you" is such a great line to further my autistic analysis of this song because like idk this is just autism to me. Or rather, this is what it feels like to learn that I'm autistic and revisit my entire memory bank with this knowledge trying to figure out what I actually desire out of life. The admission here that you take your cues from movies can also be seen as an autistic admission of masking through popular media.

I know for me, once I started dating my current partner, I really had to unlearn a lot of unrealistic expectations I developed through watching TV as a child. Now that I know I'm autistic, I can see how those movie ideals affected the way I interact and behave. I also think that the tension here between what she says and what her thoughts are reveal a disconnect of not knowing who you truly are because you've been masking for so long that your entire personality is just what appeals to the broadest group of strangers.

Then we get into the core fear running throughout the song, "who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?" Is such a HEARTBREAKING lyric. Like there are so many ways you can talk about this lyric but if you're viewing it through an autistic lens, this lyric really gets to the heart of the brokenness that many undiagnosed autistic adults feel.

You've crafted such an artifical version of yourself that is appealing to people that they're initially attracted to you, but the cost of keeping that mask up gets unrealistic and once it starts to slip and you should people your "true" colors, you start losing them. They can't stay, once they see who you really are.

I've felt this way my entire life, like I'm just an awful self-centered human being who is unlovable and fakes things for attention, and my compulsive lying as a kid was proof of that instead of proof that I was trying so hard to present an acceptable mask without even knowing that's what I was doing.

Then we get the second verse, where she explains why she feels like nobody could stay with her and she points to her desire to "search for your dark side," even if she's alright being in the present moment with people. She can't help but feel like people who are "too" nice are hiding something from her, which can be seen as another autistic feeling because so many of us do this esp undiagnosed adults!!

We don't value people who don't seem to want anything from us because it feels "too good to be true," and then she says "I cut off my nose just to spite my face and hate my reflection for years and years." This is another thing that undiagnosed autistic people can do, there is high comorbidity between autism and EDs for example. Like, she is saying here that she's so unhappy with herself that she punishes herself with her ED and this makes her feel like a bad person who "deserves to be alone." I think that this is something a lot of autistic people can relate to, in particular.

Then we get "I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost" which is something my autism has actually done to me before. Like, I've gone to bed anxious and that anxiety just compounds in my sleep until I wake up and pace through my house until I calm down. I'm not saying she's doing it cause she's autistic, but I am saying that my autistic ass relates to this lyric in this particular way. Especially this idea of walking up feeling like the room is on fire with invisible smoke, and the way that she repeats "help me hold onto you," which is such an honest admission of needing help to see the truth.

Like, the anxiety here and the desire she feels to not let it ruin her relationship to the point where she is asking her partner "help me hold onto you," because she knows she can't do it on her own because her thoughts are too dark to let her see the reality of their situation at times like this.

And then we get the most autistic part of the song to me, the bridge where she basically repeats the sentiment "they see right through me, I see right through me, do you see right through me?" This to me is like the epitome of the masked autistic experience. This is how I felt my entire life, this is how I looked for a connection my entire life, wanting someone to see who I am but dreading it at the same time because you don't want to be rejected for things you can't change about yourself.

Oh and then the part about "all the kings men couldn't put me together again" is how it feels to realize that you've been using sex and male approval to soothe the fear that you have that you're unlovable and then pairing it with "all of my enemies started out friends" is such a raw admission of feeling like you're the problem all the time, because you've made all your friends hate you.

The archer just hits all the fears I had as an undiagnosed autistic person and it transports me back to a time where I still felt that way and I didn't know that I'm actually pretty fucking normal and not broken at all and that's why even though I adore the song, it hurts way too much to stream consistently for me.

[echofromtheabyss]

I feel like what people are calling masking... in me, it's not a whole ass Fake Self. It's more like... being totally focused on being like whatever it's necessary for me to be like, and being a High Self Monitor, and usually it's downstream of a high grade special interest, and only that really gives me the executive function to portray that. But it's not socialize masked vs socialize unmasked. It's... socialize or just stay in bed all day, lol?? Which is really more about how I am feeling? It's not like there is this Ideal Autistic Self that is in any way actually functional as a person, in my case. It's not like I'm performing something I'm not. It's performing as in Living A Life.

Usually my identity shifts are connected to whatever my Non-Relational Limerent Object is. Because I experience a similar set of feelings when I'm in a new rabbit hole that I would experience when crushing on someone. In common with what some people say that supposed Borderline is supposedly like (that you can supposedly outgrow it in your 40s)... at some point, I stopped being limerent. (I am also only in a really good, lasting LTR since my 40s.)

But at that same point that I stopped being limerent, I stopped really having an all consuming interest, either. For years after burning out the last time, I just didn't have an interest in anything except posting on Tumblr/etc, and trying to stay alive.

That I am not doing what I recognize as masking is only because I'm not interacting to begin with.

'Unmasking' isn't me being some spontaneous free spirit trapped in here that finally gets out, it's actually me hitting my limit and being trapped inside the figurative glass jar, dissociating. Or I can't control some aspect of my body or I just can't even move from exhaustion. I don't enjoy it! If I'm able to get through

Now, there are some interaction modes that are lower energy consumption, like being on Safe Mode. If I don't have to consciously be "on" all the time around people, that's an example. If I'm actually getting something positive out of the interaction (positive attention and or something *I* experience as a fun interaction) then that also makes it less draining.

Outside of autism discourse, there have been whole discussions about this dynamic that present it as a normie one, so it was possible for me to not frame it via the autism frame for over a decade.

Especially when my special interest was in a field that has a culture of "calling" and workaholism, and a *mythology* that it's made up of smart people with actual prosocial traits. And also for the first time, my school major was not working against my brain (I'm going to talk in another post about WHY "softer" subjects can actually be harder for some ppl than STEM adjacent subjects) and it's a work culture that mythologizes being a go getter. It's also based on regulations and is a very very culturally and socially diverse labor pool. It wasn't just that I was performing normie to be in health, I WAS more normie because I was in health. And when I burned out the first time - I didn't recognize it as autistic burnout, because I had a strong narrative of it being a statistical norm for health care workers. Also, I had an ADHD diagnosis and was on meds for a while and *that's* what explained me enough to myself. But once I was in health work - ppl who didn't actually live with me, didn't see the problems, even when there were real autism spectrum-comorbid/adjacent LD issues that kept me from being able to keep my certs or get more. And there, I was just one of a large number of people who washed out.

I relate a chunk of my social performance stuff as closer to Spoons Discourse than Masking Discourse.

And it's not that I was ever performing anything... I have a strong, passionate interest that is taking over my life in the moment.

I went through a phase of dressing retro classics and Dieselpunk, with a short black bob and red lipstick, when I was studying graphic design.

But when I'm feeling ick, I'm just ick

[drdemonprince]

hi devon! love your work so much and also just rly want to take an edible with you and shoot the shit but my actual question is as an autistic person who was taught to orient around other peoples needs how can i re train that laser focus to kind of hone what i need/like/desire? i feel really lost and spend so much time thinking about what other people may like or want i have no idea what i want even at 29

oh my goodness, my entire next book on Autism is all for people like you! I believe that part of unmasking requires that we learn how to disengage from the opinions of others, widen our distress tolerance, get more acclimated to the possibility of change, learn how to initiate the activities we like more, and just generally get more in touch with our bodies and our desires. this is a lot of work but it's all in the realm of skills that can be practiced... which is why i'm currently trying to sell a book that is entirely research, examples, and exercises around these things. i will also be publishing lots of small tastes of this work pretty regularly on my substack in the next few months.

in the meantime, i would encourage you to start reallllly really small, by taking greater notice of what you don't like. and i mean really start out with miniscule declarations of negative feeling. "i dont like this song, can we change the channel on the radio?" "i dont want to eat at the olive garden actually" "im cold, can you turn up the heat or tell me where the blankets are?" "this bar is too loud, i'm going to have to leave." REALLY small stuff. even stuff of that scale probably feels TERRIFYING. start with these things, and ride out the initial discomfort or embarrassment that arises when stating a need or preference.

you'll notice that each of these "no's" is actually getting you closer to figuring out what you want as well. you're saying you dislike something, or that you are uncomfortable -- but you're also practicing articulating a thing that you actively do want, whether that's a blanket, a more comfortable place to spend the evening, or something better to listen to or to watch. it's hard to ask oneself massive existential questions about who you truly are and what you want out of life. but asking yourself if anything small in your immediate environment is uncomfortable is far easier.

the great thing about this method is that you can practice it all the time. any time you're in a new space or situation, just take a moment to ask yourself: what would i change? the goal is to always find something you could advocate or ask for. this flips the masked autistic instinct to never ask for anything until you're in absolute agony completely on its head. you are LOOKING for things to request, LOOKING for sources of mild discomfort to voice -- and youll get better and better at noticing what you like and what you dislike the more that you do this.

with time, you will be able to articulate far greater wants. i dont want to spend my weekend at my grandmother's house. i dont want to live in an apartment with someone who is constantly criticizing me. i want to live by the water. i want a job where i can control the temperature of my workspace at all times. i want dogs. i want to be able to go running in the morning. i want a bathtub. i want to paint and listen to music. i dont want to marry this person. and so on!

this is a massive oversimplification, but there you go. a little bump of the full supply that hopefully will hit bookshelves early 2025 if i play my cards right

[vizthedatum]

Food aversions and radical changes in preferences, as I’m currently living it

Written around 7:33 on a plane today.

—

Regardless of what’s happening, I will aim to describe my health as holistically (in a narrative way) as I can.

For the past 2 years or so, I’ve been consciously unmasking my autism and adhd as much as possible.

I am burnt out, and I’m tired of lying to myself while performing… life.

But that’s only a part of the puzzle for me.

—

Today I’m going on a solo trip for my mental health and self fulfillment. I’m also figuring out what’s going on with my body.

—

Usually on planes, I ask for “ginger ale, no ice.” Apart from Dr. Pepper - ginger ale is one of my other comfort pop drinks. And it’s my go to drink for flying .

And besides I’ve just been perpetually nauseated and while there is no proof really that ginger ale helps that much because of its sugar content, it helps mentally.

Today, ginger ale tasted like vomit. What the actual fuck??? I tried some from another can - disgusting. (Should I collect more data? Was it just these particular cans???)

—

Earlier today, when visiting with my brother, I asked him to order things I knew I would like - I ate out of a need to nourish my body in some way (including mental nourishment).

It was easier to eat with another person - harder to eat alone it seems.

It’s been so hard to eat since the beginning of this month. And the fatigue that happens is so cyclical with it (if I don’t eat, I’m fatigued; if I do eat, I’m fatigued - really high amounts)

I just started a course of antibiotics last night (X-safe antibiotics) - and like okay? I’ve been on and off antibiotics for MOST OF MY LIFE - I know what the nausea from that feels like - this is not that. This isn’t an allergy either.

Besides I have been feeling nauseated for weeks.

I’m so sad about this because I love food. I love eating.

It’s also weird because (only using this as a comparative example) when I was with my ex-spouse, I was nauseated in a very different way (I chronically threw up nearly daily for an extended period of time due to a mix of chronic pain and overdoing recreational and medical cannabis - it was a huge problem - I was perpetually stressed and manipulated and blah blah (see my other posts).)

THIS DOES NOT FEEL LIKE THAT.

—

I can smell things so much more acutely. Almost like a cursed superpower. I’m so glad I’m masking (physical face mask!) because it limits how much I smell.

—

All the while my breasts (so conflicted about them from a trans/dysphoric perspective) and lower abdomen ache and pound. (Also in a different way than the usual period/PCOS/IC/endo way… similar, very similar, but so different)

I’m also sad because I need to re-do AND intentionally figure out my entire nutrition plan. Sigh.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I MUST DO. And I’m trying my best to ask for help but I do *feel* like a burden even though I know I’m not. If it were my friend, I would help - so I know that this is ok.

I haven’t looked this up but is there any guidebook for newly unmasked autistics who may or may not be dealing with an unplanned X (lol sorry I know it’s obvious - I won’t get direct confirmation until later) who already have multiple pelvic and reproductive chronic health issues?!?!

*laughcry* even with all my knowledge, even with me working at an institute specifically for reproductive health, even with everything… it’s like a fucking mystery.

—

And I wish my mom was actually the type of person who could help me out, because… I fucking need a familial mentor who has gone through this to help me EMOTIONALLY. But she barely has any empathy even though I love her. And we aren’t talking. I did see her, in all her beauty, today when she dropped my brother off… we didn’t speak according to my boundaries.

—

AND OMFG THE PERSON NEXT TO ME JUST GOT COFFEE AND I CANNOT HANDLE THE SMELL

coffee

It smells so bad

I used to love the smell of coffee

—

*tries not to meltdown and visibly be a frazzled queer coded autistic on a full flight*

*goes to bathroom and breathes*

[tundrakatiebean]

Here’s a brief rundown of the ones I’ve read and I’ll give a little blurb, some weren’t helpful to me specifically, but were still interesting and would be helpful to someone who isn’t me. These are just in the order I read them because I have kept a spreadsheet like the nerd I am. This is long so I’m putting it below a cut! Ones I would read again or would widely suggest will have a 💜 next to it

💜 Your Brain’s Not Broken by Tamara Rosier - a book about managing adhd as an adult or understanding adhd brains so you can understand loved ones better. The book also has some worksheets through it to help with task prioritizing and figuring out what speed bumps you have in your own life and how to get over them in a way that doesn’t burn you out. I found this one very validating and it’s actually the book that finally made me feel ok self-identifying as adhd. A lot of the tips in the book are ones I’ve heard before from being here and hanging out with Joy (bibliosphere) and other adhd folk, but still very helpful and validating.

💜 Unmasking Autism by Devon Price - very good book about figuring out how to breakdown and identify masking behaviors (I think even if you aren’t autistic) and accommodating your own needs. There were a lot of examples used in this book that I didn’t even realize were sensory issues etc for me until it was pointed out and I was like “ah I see.” This book is very queer inclusive which makes it a lot more comfortable to read and acknowledges the overlapping masking issues queer people and people of color face, even when they aren’t neurodivergent.

💜 Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price - book tackling the inherent feeling of laziness imbued in us by a capitalism society, especially in millennials and younger generations. I found this book so helpful I actually also bought a physical copy to give my dad to try to get him to understand my mindset a bit more, that didn’t work but it’s still one I’d suggest to anyone feeling guilty about their productivity level OR anyone who wants to understand why so many younger adults have such a bad problem with productivity anxiety.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski - this one wasn’t super helpful for me personally because I knew most of what was in it already. This book very much reads like the 2017 tumblr girl power self care era - which isn’t bad and will be very helpful for a lot of people, but I was here for that so I knew what was in the book already. I think it will be helpful for younger women who feel guilty about saying no to anyone, and while the book is somewhat queer inclusive, it feels very superficially so to me.

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft - a classic abuse self-help book that I finally got around to reading. This is like THE book for women in abusive relationships or trying to identify abusive behaviors in relationships. It is very cishet and mainstream so I wouldn’t suggest it to men in abusive relationships because it is VERY dismissive of those situations. I did find this one pretty validating because I saw a lot of my own life in it put into a proper light.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson - this was another one that was very validating but I wouldn’t recommend for people who are very solution focused. I mostly read this one because I was curious if it was actually going to be relatable for me or not and it was so that felt really . . . solidifying for me about my personal experiences. I think some of the self activities in this are useful, but it doesn’t really give you next step solutions, just how to recognize what has been happening and separate out your actual self and the self you have been forced to portray.

Drama Free : A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships by Nedra Glover Tawwab - I only just started this one this morning but I’m following Nedra on Instagram and have found her to be helpful and insightful there so I have high hopes for the book!

Honorable mentions that count more as spirituality than self-help but I think they still fall in line

💜 Sacred Gender: Create Trans & Nonbinary Spiritual Connections by Ariana Serpentine - pretty much what it says on the tin! A book about inclusive witchy/pagan areas. This book wasn’t made for me so I went in knowing that, but I like learning about different life experiences! I actually got my local library to purchase this one so that was a little personal victory too. A lot of “witchy” stuff has a focus on masculine/feminine and a demonization of masculine forces so this book is about undoing some of that and making spaces more inclusive. I found this one really interesting and it will change the way I talk about tarot forces a lot, it helped me out a reason to why the gendered stuff in tarot made me uncomfortable.

Love and Rage: The Path of Liberation Through Anger by Lana Rod Owen’s - this book was another one that wasn’t really made for me but I went in hopeful that I’d find something to help me work through a lot of the anger I’ve been carrying around. I didn’t, but it was still an interesting read with a lot of meditation exercises that were interesting to try out. I think this book would be more helpful for queer people of color, as the author is, who assign to spirituality more than I do. It very much felt like a memoir to me, but that may be because I was not as spiritual as the author so it didn’t connect with me on that level.

I have read more self help books this year than in the rest of my life combined. I realize I had a bad concept of them because almost all the ones I saw growing up were romantic relationship books aimed at single women. Some of the ones I’ve read this year have been very helpful and/or validating.

[transthaumaturge]

What is it like to come out to yourself as trans and begin to love yourself for your autism when you’re already an adult? For me, it’s like all my life before I came out I was a fake person and now I finally get to be real.

Imagine that you’re born on a stage. All your life, you move from stage to stage as you grow up and mature. The audience has always been there, you’re told, sitting unseen just outside the stage lights, so you’ve never questioned the fact that you’re being watched and have to perform in a certain way. As a kid, you’re allowed to play around but given sharp words by the older actors when you do something that the audience doesn’t like. Over time, throughout your childhood, you’re taught how best to act in order to entertain. You make masks for yourself to help put on better performances, learn to wear the right costumes.

And just like that, you progress through the various stages of your life. You gradually get better at improvising your character in a way that will be the most acceptable, and sometimes you rely on scripts so that you say the right things. And you’re good at it. Like, really good. Your character is all you’ve ever been, so you can’t think of a life where you aren’t playing them. But that makes sense—if you weren’t playing your character, who would you be? You figure that you and your character must be the same.

As you get older, you start to notice things. You see that the stairs off of the stage have footprints on them, evidence of them being used before even though in your upbringing, nobody ever told you about “off-stage”. It just simply wasn’t acknowledged. You notice fellow actors and stagehands who feel like friends, though you don’t know why, and you sometimes wish you could have been assigned a different part or even leave the stage altogether. You don’t know how that would work, though. You’ve always played your part, what else is there?

And eventually, you begin to realize that some stages are different. You learn to find the ones where your fellow actors don’t care as much about acting in a way that’s acceptable to the audience, and some where a big box of props and costumes is just set in center stage for anybody to try pieces on from and see what it would be like if you wore something, acted in a way that wasn’t approved of by the audience or older cast members. In some stages, there are cast members that walk onto and off of the stage like it’s nothing and you don’t fully understand why yet but you envy them. One day, you learn that you don’t need to make eye contact with other actors and sometimes you don’t even need to wear your mask. Another day, you put on an outfit that makes your heart race because this isn’t what you were taught to wear growing up, and it doesn’t work for your character, but it’s right. For the first time in your life, you’re starting to feel a little closer to whole in a way that playing your character never made you feel.

And one day, you connect all of the dots and realize that you and your character aren’t the same person. And maybe over days, weeks, months, or years, maybe all at once, you step. off. the stage.

And the first thing you learn is that there’s no audience, that the ways you were taught to act were arbitrary and the only people you go against and displease when you transgress your role are your former cast-mates. Sure, the memories you have of your life from back when you played your part are genuine. And sure, aspects of who you truly are as a person made their way into your performance. It wasn’t all fake. But for the first time, you know what it feels like to be completely real.

Sometimes it’s scary, and you’re maybe not provided for in the way that the prop department used to give you what your character needed. Some people like you will get back onstage when their old cast members are around. Some interact with that family from offstage and are supported, while others leave the theater altogether to live life elsewhere. You notice that many of your old cast members still on the stage have no problem with being the same person as their character, and you don’t understand that but you accept that there are many different ways to be. Over time, you learn how to live as yourself, and not the character you used to think you were inextricably connected to. You realize that for the first time in your life, you don’t need to act anymore. You can just Be.

You still have memories from the time you lived on stage, and some parts of who you were back then are still you. You sometimes feel anxious when you aren’t acting in a way that the people still on stage will see as acceptable and have to unlearn those old habits. But you realize that all your life until you stepped off of the stage, you were a fake person who didn’t know what it was like to be real. You can finally see that for yourself now, and you wouldn’t give your realness away for anything.

I came out to myself as a trans woman when I was 23, and while I knew I was autistic by middle school, I didn’t know that I could be proud of it until college. My transness, the woman I am today, that feels real in a way that nothing else did before. Until I came out to myself, I was just playing a part. Now I’m also learning to unmask more and more, to live in ways that let me be my full autistic self, and I feel realer and more actualized by the day. It’s still hard to put into words, and family members don’t really understand what I mean when I tell them that I feel like I didn’t really start existing until recently. My brother got offended when I told him I felt like the sibling he grew up with wasn’t the same person as me, as dissociated from those memories as I am, and I wish I had phrased it more delicately. I forgot how much of a method actor he is. But I know what I mean, and I hope that many of you reading this have found that joy and euphoria of self-determination too.

[whistlesanbells]

Community Headcanons

Just a random list of headcanons I have, organized by character (feat. A lot of Britta x Annie)

Jeff

I saw someone mention that Jeff might have an ED, and given what we see with his relationship with food, and how he is willing to go as far as to hurt himself to be the best at something (in this case be the best looking) it makes a lot of sense.

A lot of people headcanon Jeff as bi but honestly I just take him as cishet. He has many many issues but I don’t think sexuality is one of them, because half his personality is his attraction to every woman that breathes lmao

Exudes top energy but really the minute someone else tops him, he gets insecure for a bit but ends up really liking it.

Britta

Raging bisexual. I feel like she’s known for a long time, but never told the group because it would just be another thing for them to poke fun of about her.

In the same vein, I believe Britta’s parents were very homophobic, and that’s why she cut ties. I think she came out to them at a younger age and it was messy. It would make sense that she would refuse to tell the group why she didn’t get along with her parents: because she wasn’t ready to come out to the group yet. Instead it gets framed as her just rebelling for no reason.

We hear almost nothing about Britta’s past, except for a few offhand comments about a dinosaur-related trauma. Britta is incredibly quick to deny talking about her past, which led me to believe that she has some kind of trauma. Personally, I believe she was r*ped in her childhood, which would explain her extra effort to comfort troy when he lied about it. It would also explain why she is so fervently for women’s rights, especially when it has to do with bodily autonomy.

Dyslexic!Britta makes so much sense to me, because her parents were likely unsupportive, so she didn’t get much help or accommodations in school at a young age. This probably led to her habit of going out of her way to do poorly in a class so it looks like she’s just not trying, so she doesn’t have to face the reality that she never developed good study habits and she would have a lot of trouble in school even if she tried. Even though she doesn’t do well in school, she’s really smart, she’s just not great at articulating her points :))

She was a tomboy in elementary school before it was considered socially acceptable, and she was bullied ruthlessly for it. In her true, “stick it to the man” fashion, she never grew out of it.

Britta is terrified of Annie finding out that she won’t do well in school even if she DOES try, because she’s afraid Annie will lose respect for her.

Annie was the only one in the group she came out to, because she trusted her to keep a secret and not to judge. Annie asks her a LOT of questions, but Britta puts up with it.

Acts like a top, is really a bottom.

She has a crush on Annie from 21st century romanticism on, but never expresses it because she doesn’t want to make Annie uncomfortable.

Troy

Gay lmao

I definitely feel like he had a crush on abed around end of season 3/ beginning of season 4, but it was unreciprocated.

Troy has an inherent sensitivity that makes him the heart of the show, but it took a while for him to feel comfortable with that. I feel like he had a lot of parental pressure to be perfectly straight and masculine, since he was raised under a strict religion.

Troy never wanted to be an athlete. I believe he wasn’t allowed to explore his interests because he demonstrated talent for sports at a young age, and that’s what he was pressured to do for the rest of his life.

Troy doesn’t always understand how Abed functions, but he is always accepting, supportive and understanding. Instead of trying to understand how his brain works, he memorized the patterns of what bothers him and what doesn’t, and uses that to help his friend in the best way he can. It’s super sweet :))

Abed

Aro/ace Abed rights!! I haven’t seen this one as much, but I really like it. I genuinely don’t think abed has much interest in relationships, which has absolutely nothing to do with being neurodivergent. I think he feels pressure from the group to date, because that’s what they think is “normal.”

I LOVE Annie and Abed’s friendship but I definitely don’t ship them. Sure, they kissed once, but she was attracted to Han Solo, not abed. Annie was attracted to dean when he was actually like Jeff too, but she DEFINITELY wasn’t attracted to dean lmao. Instead, I think they’re both really close because they’re both neurodivergent, and Annie understands him more than anyone else in the group, albeit not entirely. They also have a special handshake you can see at the end of season one :)

This isn’t a headcanon but it’s *technically* never stated in the show but Abed definitely has autism. l DO headcanon that Annie has his safe foods written down in a list because she’s the only one who knows how to cook in the apartment, and she knows it’s important to him.

Abed has all of his friends’ likes and dislikes memorized and written down, as well as their birthdays, as a result of psychoanalyzing them. He gives the best birthday gifts and never forgets.

Definitely was the ACB (creds to film theory on that one)

Shirley

I don’t have a lot of theories for Shirley, because we see a lot of her personal story in canon. However, I do believe that she wasn’t always such a devout Christian. I think she was raised with Christian ideals, but it wasn’t central to her personality until Andre cheated on her. After she went though a dark period of (likely) alcoholism, I like to think that’s when she turned to Christianity, and it gave her hope. She loves it so much because it genuinely did save her from a bad time in her life.

I think she is a big part of the reason why Troy, Abed, Britta, and Annie are afraid to come out to the group. They assume she would never see them in the same light, when truth be told, she would love them all the same. I think she would be uncomfortable at first, but either she would come to the realization or britta would convince her that it is inherently Christian to love everyone, no matter what. Her motherly instincts take precedence over her Christian ideals.

Shirley views Annie as the daughter she never had, but is very careful not to tell her for fear of hurting her feelings. She very much enjoys helping her navigate college and seeing her mature. She also loves all their girl talk since this is the aspect of parenting that she doesn’t get with three boys. In the same vein, she loved teaching Britta how to have friends who are girls, and she likes to think she played a part in raising her.

Pierce

I don’t like pierce enough to psychoanalyze him lmao

Annie (saddle up, this is gonna be long)

Lesbiannie, obviously. Annie’s romantic tendancies SCREAM compulsive heterosexuality. Annie’s relationships with men are always schoolgirl crushes, and she even admits to abed that she never really liked Jeff, she just liked the idea that he was available and willing to love her. It also makes sense that she can’t stand the idea of not being perfect in every way, including heterosexual (because she confirms that her parents are bigoted and that’s likely what she was taught). I think she would have a lot of internalized homophobia, and she would be very insecure about her sexuality, seeing how she acted during the STD fair.

I would love to think Annie also had her first ever real, I like this person for themselves and not just because they’re attainable crush on Britta. She always looked up to her because she was so cool and far less uptight than she was, but as they grew closer, she saw her in a different light. I ship them hardcore lmao.

Annie has ADHD!! I could talk for hours about this, mostly because I have very similar struggles to Annie’s canon character arc (minus the drugs lmao) and it’s mostly due to my adhd. Long story short, she was likely raised undiagnosed until she discovered it herself, which led to trying adderall and overdoing it because she was unsupervised. She was likely very insecure about her ADHD, which led her to overcompensating academically. Because she masked so much in academic settings, it’s likely she didn’t have much of a social life because that’s where her symptoms presented themselves more.

In addition being friends with abed has made her far more comfortable unmasking. If you watch her in studies in modern movement you can see her stimming (flapping her hands, rocking back and forth and swinging her arms) way more than usual. She normally fidgets by fiddling with her fingers by her waist and pulling her elbows tight to her sides in a position suspiciously similar to raptor arms. Not only is this a common and discreet way to fidget, it is easily passed off as good posture. This makes sense, as it is Annie’s trademark resting position.

Annie reads YA books and a LOT of fanfiction for fun. The group expects her to be more well versed in classic literature, but the girl just loves her some vampires. It’s where she learned a LOT of her....dnd tricks ;).

Top energy that Jeff never let her use DEFINITELY comes out with Britta.

She helps Britta study and teaches her all the study habits she had to learn, and Britta’s grades improve a little bit!!

Switched to pantsuits because of britta, I like to think she had some influence on that.

Lost interest in Jeff after Basic Sandwich

Knew that Abed was the ACB the whole time, she definitely had it figured out in that binder lmao

Anyways enjoy, just figured I’d write this down somewhere haha

[thesaltyace]

big rant/ramble below, you can safely ignore and move on to the next post in your feed.

Urgh

I shared the results of that autism screener with a quasi-friend who I thought would be "safe" (we used to work together and we connected over his being gay and me being visibly queer) but his response was blergh

Everyone has hints of autism.

okay yeah but this isn't just *hints* of autism. I'm answered yes to symptoms I've had since I was a kid that I've learned to mask or work around as an adult. But I still struggle with them.

He pointed out that he sees me as more ADHD than ASD.

Yeah, fair, and I'd need to see a professional to try to distinguish if my symptoms are ADHD, ASD, or both.

You don't hit the three prongs needed for a diagnosis.

But.... but I do. And the stuff I dealt with as a kid is still stuff I deal with today. I just mask it better. A short and not exhaustive list:

As I kid I had trouble interacting with peers. I didn't have friends, really. I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't try terribly hard to. I acquire friends when someone else "adopts" me and decides that we are friends. And once I became an adult, I have almost never had friends of my own - I share a friend group with my spouse who we're primary connected to through him. I'm okay with that. Maintaining a friendship entirely on my own power sounds impossible and exhausting.

I was okay with not having friends, I liked being alone, but my mom insisted on me being social. She made me join things so that I would have a list of people to invite to parties. I'd honestly have preferred a day of doing stuff I like or just a couple friends. As an adult, I want to be alone on my birthday. I will celebrate with certain friends, separately, usually over a quiet meal. That's it.

I had trouble understanding sarcasm and figurative speech. Like, I understand it now but I still think most figurative speech is annoying. I've been told the way I deliver sarcasm is weird, too.

I liked memorizing movies and quoting them start to finish, I thought it was fun but everyone else thought it was weird. I continued to do this into adulthood but I only quote aloud when I'm alone. Alamo Drafthouse quote-alongs are the BEST. I don't do this with every movie, either, just ones I really like.

Okay actually I also liked to listen to the same album or, in some cases, the same song over and over until I was sick of it (and sometimes even after that point). I mean, just endlessly looping on repeat. Not interspersed with other songs. I do this as an adult a LOT because it's easier with headphones to do this without annoying everyone else around you. Like, often it's fine for me to just put a playlist on shuffle, but I get into Moods where I just want the one album/song over and over. Yesterday I listened to Wellerman about 50 times in a row and only stopped because I had to get up and do something else and that song wasn't "good" for whatever I got up to do.

My special interest as a kid was cats. Literally everything cats, all the time - I sought out obscure facts and could tell you the difference between similar species, and wanted cats involved in literally everything I did. Adults laughed it off as childhood obsession. I was also pretty obsessed with the solar system. I thought asking my peers, as a trivia question, which of Jupiter's moons had its own asteroid (Io, in case you were wondering) was appropriate and interesting and was confused that they didn't know that. That was in fifth grade.

I watched the weather channel for fun. I would watch it for hours and absorb the weekly forecast info just... for fun? I never used it, could never tell you if you should dress a certain way or bring an umbrella or whatever. Everyone thought it was weird.

I was a know-it-all and literally could not stop myself from bluntly correcting people who were wrong. Didn't know or care that it was "rude". I'm still that way but I've learned how to sometimes swallow the urge long enough to find a more tactful way to point it out (but often fail).

I could read on my own before kindergarten, used vocabulary beyond what one would expect for my age, and had a special interest in spelling and grammar throughout my school years. I did not understand how other people weren't interested in learning about it and getting it right. I read at an undergrad level by 4th grade.

I hated loud noises and often covered my ears to block out irritating sounds. I could also hear high pitched noises that even other kids didn't seem to hear (or at least weren't bothered by them). Too much noise sent me into an internal meltdown, I'd just kinda shut down because I couldn't deal with it.

Textures and pressure on my skin bothered the absolute fuck out of me - sock seams, certain fabric materials, socks that weren't equally elastic, one shoe tighter than the other, tags.... all of that. (Also, fun anecdote I just unlocked - when I was 4 or 5 my grandmother started letting me use the soft silk sleep shirt she had as a young woman because I preferred it to anything else. Soft, smooth, no irritating qualities. Bliss. I wanted to wear it all the time.)

Don't get me started on food. Until I was in COLLEGE I mostly subsisted on pasta with either butter or alfredo sauce and chicken. I would eat other things, but pasta and/or chicken was (and still is) my biggest safe/comfort food. I'd eat other stuff mostly if I could control the balance of ingredients, get it made plain, or could confirm the texture wouldn't be offensive (so, like... plain burgers, plain cheese pizza, grilled cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.) I cannot stress this enough - from childhood through COLLEGE I did this. As a kid my mom had to make me a completely separate dish most nights to get me to eat something. My spouse was horrified at what little variety I ate. The only reason I eat so much variety now is that he knows what I do/don't like and tells me in advance if I'll find a texture or taste offensive. Of course, rather than wanting consistent texture like I did when I was younger, I now seek as much texture as possible (so long as they aren't Bad textures) so.... that's fun. But yeah most of my objections to Yucky foods is due to T E X T U R E. Even if I like the taste, the texture overrides it all.

I prefer animals to people. I will seek out animals and interact with them instead of people in the same room. And will pointedly focus on the animal to avoid interacting with people.

I'm perfectly happy with only myself for company. Being with just my spouse counts as me being "alone" though. Always has. I just realized last night that it's because I do minimal to no masking around him because he's a safe person to unmask with and always has been. Never batted an eye at the weird shit I do beyond asking questions about what I was doing or why. And then just "Okay."

Okay honestly just the fact that I want to vent into the void of tumblr instead of actually discussing this with a person - even my spouse! - pretty effectively shows how little it occurs to me to interact with other people directly. o_0

And there are so many more things that I won't list here because I could just go on and on. And like, sure, some of this may certainly overlap with ADHD but my point is that I have enough to point to ASD that it doesn't feel like having a "hint" of autism. And who knows - maybe it is mostly just ADHD and CPTSD stuff interacting in weird ways. Could be!

But just because I can make small talk and make eye contact and do the "normal" shit and I can interact "normally" doesn't mean I LIKE it. I had to LEARN to do those things to avoid having bad social interactions. When I'm by myself or with my spouse, I behave very differently than I do around anyone else. ANYONE. It's not just slightly changing my behavior depending on who I'm with - it's completely suppressing how I naturally would do things if left to my own devices.

Like, the things we recommended to our autistic students who wanted to know how to interact in ways that would help them blend in/be accepted by others ARE THE EXACT THINGS I ALREADY DO. Like, it did not occur to me at the time that neurotypicals literally do not have to think about doing those things. I thought, ah, these students just need to be told what the tricks are. Other people figure these tricks out on their own. It did not occur to me that other people, in fact, do not learn these tricks because they naturally do that behavior. They do not have to actively think about learning the trick, period. I literally thought other people also have to think as hard as I do about interactions. Evidently not.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little upset about the reaction I got from him because I'm like.... honestly, a diagnosis of ASD wouldn't change a lot about how I do things or think of things. But it would make me feel better about interacting with and participating in autism-related stuff if I am actually autistic. I realize I can use the resources and supports meant for ASD regardless, and for formal supports anything I can access due to my ADHD diagnosis likely covers anything I'd need for ASD. But having a diagnosis opens up more community. Right now I'm like yeah I'm ADHD but I totally relate to this ASD content. But I'm not going to interact much because I feel like I don't have the right to join in since idk if I do have ASD.

idk I have a lot of feelings. I had a bad email about the trans insurance coverage thing yesterday and I'm not in a great headspace, but finding out me and my spouse both scored very high on the autism screening stuff was honestly a high point because we ended up sharing a lot of how we view and interact with the world that was very eye-opening about why we interact the way we do, how we relate to others (and how other people think we're weird for how we relate to others), and just...everything. And having someone be skeptical after I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I DON'T have ASD only to conclude that at the very least, I should probably be evaluated because I can't reasonably rule it out. Like, most people do not wonder if they have autism. The fact that I am spending this much time looking into it and trying to find examples to disprove it only to find I overwhelmingly can't in virtually every single diagnostic category.... just..... dismissing it outright is kinda hurtful.

Like, I recognize that ADHD symptoms overlap a fair bit, but seriously. My spouse (who definitively does not have ADHD) scored almost identically to me and we vibed on almost everything when we compared answers. We see most things similarly. We have similar areas of confusion about other people and for fundamentally similar reasons. I can't imagine all of the stuff that points to ASD for me is just ADHD in disguise, not when I vibe THAT HARD with someone else. Spouse does not vibe with me on ADHD content. At all. He can appreciate it since he does live with me, after all, and observes whatever's being discussed. But he doesn't vibe with it. He vibes with autism content, though. And I vibe with both.

idk this rant ended in rambling and I'm just going to go listen to Inside on repeat for a couple hours while I try to calm down a bit. o_0

[the-casual-reply]

Unmasking: Living with Autism in a Neurotypical World

The following is an original oratory I wrote and performed at my school speech contest! I am very proud of it so I thought I would share. This was written to be performed to a largely NT audience, so don’t be surprised when it assumes that you (the reader) are NT. My main motivation for writing this was raising awareness and partially out of frustration at the societal lack of knowledge about autism. (Fyi it’s like 5 pages long sorry gamers)

My name is Chloe [redacted] and I am autistic. This term is highly stigmatized, and for my entire life I’ve heard it used in mostly negative connotations. It has taken me a long time to even feel comfortable saying that I am autistic because I fear being judged and stereotyped. Today I am here to teach you that autism is not scary nor is it a bad thing, but it can make life difficult in a world made by and for neurotypical people, and I’m here to teach you what you need to know to be an ally and a friend for an autistic person.

When I was diagnosed with autism around a year ago, I was devastated. Everything I thought I knew about myself had suddenly been taken away from me. I felt like all the achievements, experiences, and feelings of my past self were stripped from me, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I decided to do some research. And as I learned more and more, I slowly reclaimed my identity. All these things that had previously confused me were suddenly explained, and as I noticed more and more autistic traits within myself, I learned not to be afraid or ashamed of them, but to embrace them as a part of myself.

Many who are reading this right now may wonder how this applies to you. Many of you probably don’t know an autistic person, or so you think. Here’s why it should matter: about one in sixty people has been diagnosed as autistic. That means, statistically, you interact with an autistic person about every other day, and that’s not considering those who go undiagnosed. That means that every other day, you impact the life of an autistic person, and they impact your life. Many people will hear that and wonder if it truly matters that the person you may be interacting with is autistic.

And I, as an autistic person, am here to tell you that it does matter. Autism affects every single aspect of a person’s life. It affects their sensory needs, their ability to communicate, their problem solving strategies, their performance in school or at work, their social needs, and countless other aspects of their identity. Many people with autism experience high levels of social anxiety due to trends of ostracism or exclusion throughout their lives. Because of this, a seemingly trivial interaction may greatly affect an autistic person in a different way than it would for an allistic (not autistic) person. Every day, autistic people are put into stressful and draining situations, where they often don’t have anyone to help them. So, today I want to help educate more people on what autism is, what it does, and how you can help positively change the life of an autistic person.

The most noticeable difference between allistic and autistic people is that autistic people are much more sensitive to sensory input. A setting that may be normal to an allistic person may be extremely overwhelming to an autistic person. For example, bright or flashing lights, strong scents, overlapping or loud noises, and unpleasant textures or tastes are common sources of uneasiness or distress for us. 

On top of physical overstimulation, many autistic people also struggle with emotional overstimulation. Many autistic people absorb the moods of the people we spend time with due to our hypersensitivity to their feelings, and we experience emotions to a much stronger extent than allistic people usually do.

When an autistic person experiences intense feelings such as happiness or anxiety, they use a coping mechanism called ‘stimming’. Stim is short for ‘self-stimulatory behavior’ and it refers to a repeated motion or action that dispels energy that is being absorbed by the person due to their surroundings. My favorite stims are hand flapping, repeated blinking, contortion of the face, spinning, and repeating verbally satisfying words or sounds. By stimming, I can dispel some of the high levels of energy or strong emotions caused by my surroundings. 

Stimming is essential to the health and wellbeing of autistic people. But it can also be dangerous. Autistic people risk being judged, bullied, ostracized, abused, and even arrested when stimming in public. Because stimming and other signs of overstimulation are similar to signs exhibited by those who are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it is not uncommon for autistic people to be arrested or harassed by police officers for stimming in public. 

For me, this is alarming. In a world where we pride ourselves on being inclusive and forward-thinking, it is still dangerous to simply be autistic in public. To me, the most important way to make the world safer for people with autism is to spread awareness for their experiences, and for actually autistic people to be the ones sharing their stories. For too long, the stereotype of the autistic person who cannot stand up for themself has been perpetuated and widely accepted. So today I’m challenging that stereotype, and I’m here to tell you some things that autistic people wish more allistic people knew about autism.

Autistic people tend to be very blunt and straightforward regarding their thoughts and feelings. To allistic people, whose interactions are filled with flowery language to avoid being upfront and honest, this is seen as impolite. So, understand that if an autistic person unexpectedly says something frank and direct that comes off as rude, they are likely just honestly saying what they’re thinking, which is what they expect you want to hear.

And to autistic people, the way that allistic people communicate can seem just as nonsensical. It can be hard for us to detect sarcasm, understand non-literal figures of speech, and interpret body language. So, when communicating with autistic people, be mindful of the fact that they may struggle to understand you. If you say something and they don’t understand what you mean right away, don’t become exasperated or treat them like their need for clarification is a burden. Calmly and nonjudgmentally explain what you said, and if they don’t need any further clarification, move on with the conversation as usual. 

On top of this, autistic people struggle to understand implied meanings. So, try to be open about your feelings and intentions. If you want an autistic person to complete a task, you should tell them exactly what you want them to do without excluding anything you think is implied. Especially don’t become frustrated or angry if an autistic person doesn’t infer something that you didn’t explicitly say. Autistic brains form conclusions by looking at little, individual clues and then piecing them together to create a model of what they should do, as opposed to the allistic method of forming a model and then filling in the blanks. This is another prominent difference between allistic and autistic brains.

Autistic people’s brains are wired to rely on routine much more than allistic people due to the way that they analyze situations. Many autistic people rely on routines to find a sense of security within their lives because of how they analyze situations. So, a sudden change in schedule can be very upsetting and anxiety inducing for an autistic person. When planning a get-together or party involving an autistic friend or family member, remember to try to give them extra notice of any changes in plans in order to help reduce any worry they may be feeling.

Because of our processing style, autistic brains require more time to process new requests and instructions than allistic brains. When an autistic person is asked to do something outside of their regular schedule or what they are usually expected to do, it may be hard for them to process at first. So, if you ask an autistic person to do something for you, they may not do it immediately. Do not berate them for this, as this would likely lead to them becoming unnecessarily stressed. Allow them extra time to process your instructions, answer any questions they may have, and be patient.

Another essential thing to understand about autism is sensory overload. As I mentioned earlier, autistic people regularly face negative sensory experiences that can become overwhelming to them. This can lead to them becoming tired and irritable, and it can interfere with their ability to communicate and function normally. When an autistic person becomes so overwhelmed that stimming cannot regulate their sensory input, they may experience a shutdown or meltdown. A shutdown is characterized by minimal or complete lack of speech, extreme sensitivity to touch and sound, inability to move, and seclusion into a space where one can be alone. A meltdown is characterized by a temporary lack of control over one’s behavior resulting in yelling, crying, and physically lashing out. Both of these are the autistic brains reactions to extremely overwhelming circumstances. Autistic people cannot choose to meltdown or shutdown, and in turn, cannot choose to stop a meltdown or shutdown that has already started.

So, it’s important to understand each individual person and what they need from you. Talk to your autistic friend or family member about circumstances that they find to be most upsetting, and actively find ways to avoid them, or if that’s not possible, warn them of the potentially stressful situation before you enter it. If you are ever with an autistic person during a shutdown or meltdown, the most important thing for you to do for them is to take them away from what is upsetting to them. Take them to a quiet, dark room, and stay with them until they have calmed down. Find a way for them to be able to communicate their needs to you, such as typing or writing, to make sure that they feel safe and comfortable.

Really, what I am asking you to do is to be a better person for the sake of not only yourself, but also the people around you, autistic or not. Be kind. Be caring. Be empathetic, understanding, and aware of how you affect those around you. In order to be an ally to those with autism, first one must learn how to be an ally to those without it.

[drdemonprince]

Dear dr. Price,

A follower pointed out your book Unmasking Autism to me and said it was a life-saver. I have put in on my birthday wishes list.

According to lists on the net, I am supposed to reflect on whether I am behaving in a way that is aims at others' needs or my own and so on. This is precisely my problem. I am closer to 50 than to 40 and have probably been masking for over 40 years. How can I know what type of behaviour is learnt? What is ingrained? Is it possible that I have passed the window where I can still find natural conduct?

If you could see your way clear to answer my concern, I should be much obliged.

Kind regards,

Maarten

Hi Maarten!

Thank you so much for your question. While I understand deeply the desire to try and sort out which elements of yourself are naturally you and which elements are learned behaviors linked to a lifetime of trauma, in actuality there is no separating them. There is only one you. You have only lived one life, and it was the (at times very challenging and invalidating) life that you had. Humans are social beings, it almost makes as little sense to thing of humans in individual terms as it does to discuss ants without talking about colonies. Who we are is social, interpersonal, relational, and interactive.

The good news about that, however, is that who we are and how we feel can change, so long as our circumstances do. To some degree, masking and inhibition may always feel natural to you. I've been utterly fixated on unmasking both personally and professionally for years now, and while I've opened up a lot and learned many communication skills, my default mode of operating is still always to clench up. I will probably carry that reflex inside me for all of my life. That reflex has helped me. That reflex has saved me a great many times. It's just also hurt me and cost me a ton. And these days I try to accept all of that, and accept myself as the mutable, fragile, self-protective, sensitive being that I am.

I think it is far easier to focus on small behaviors and desires (and not-desires) than it is to worry too much about who we "really are" who we "would have been" in a completely alternate reality where we hadn't suffered the experiences that we have. Thinking about a fully liberated and unfiltered alternate self is enticing, I fantasize about who I'd have been in a better world all the time, but that person does not exist, and never did, and never ever would have.

Neurotypical are harmed by neuro-conformity pressures too. Capitalism, white supremacy, and the gender binary restrict how all people behave today pretty severely. Nobody lives fully free right now. This might sound bleak, but it's also a fact that unites us, and thinking about it gives me some hope. It helps me realize that I'm not uniquely boxed inside myself and separated from other people -- I'm suffering from the exact same forces that all people do, just in my own way.

I'm not uniquely broken. Neither are you. But we are irrevocably shaped by our life experiences. Instead of trying to change who we are, or find some inner true self, which is a daunting task, I think that instead, we can just practice saying no to things that make us uncomfortable, asking for the changes to our environment that we do need in order to feel comfortable, sharing what we feel, and taking time regularly to take stock of our lives and figure out what it is that we want and we wish for. It starts small.

Little phrases like "I don't like that," "I don't feel good," "I'm not interested in talking about that," "I'm going to go do something else," "Here's what i believe," "I don't agree with you," "I really need [thing]," and "I want to build a life with more room for [thing] in it" are some places to start. Truly, the more you get in the practice of saying such things, the better you get at noticing how you are feeling, and the more feelings and wants and not-wants you become able to self advocate for. It's not about becoming a new person, or throwing off the mask in one go. It's a skill, and anyone can develop a skill. You might as well make the rest of your life better. No amount of suffering in the past condemns you to needing to feel shitty about your desires forever.

[drdemonprince]

hi! i noticed in unmasking autism (really liked the book btw! the exercises felt so good to do!) you mentioned that you were (maybe still are?) kind of morbidly fascinated by mras and read a lot of their forums etc, was just wondering if you've written anything about that experience / what you learned from reading all that, or if you can recommend some blogs / accounts who have written things like that? from someone with a similar morbid interest + a boyfriend who used to buy into some of that stuff as a teenager and is now interested in learning more abt the movement as a social phenomenon :)

I wish that I could, but every time I try to make any sense out of it, I worry that I'm going to be taken as apologizing for that movement or elevating their ideas as something worthy of consideration. Though I find MRA forums, detrans TERF blogs, and other spaces like that fascinating, I'm not sure that they actually are all that interesting -- their values systems are for the most part incredibly clear. I could write about some of the ways in which the advice they pass around has a kernel of truth to it, or is useful as a means of manipulating others and thus "hooks" new members by giving them a means of feeling more competent or powerful in the world, but I'm not sure what I have to say beyond that. And some of these groups do a lot more harm and reach far more people the more you acknowledge them, especially the detrans TERF bloggers I used to follow -- some of them are incredibly niche, and I'd do a lot of harm to other trans people simply by talking openly about them in enough detail to help people find them. I think this is one of those special interests that I unfortunately have to weigh the impact of talking about in too much depth as a ""public figure"".

If I were ever to write about it, it would be about the circumstances in my own life that led me to be drawn into learning more about both of those movements and how reading them impacted me. I think some people would be pretty surprised by the angle at which I arrived at reading them and what I was hoping to learn from them, and I think that could be pretty illuminating, but it is very revealing. The farther I get away from my own medical detransition (though I never desisted in identifying as trans or bought into any of the claims of these movements, to be clear), the less upsetting discussing it seems.