anathemacore

[anathemacore]

the double standard in the CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL of treating me like a brainless impulsive moron for hurting myself while also holding me to a higher standard of maturity than anyone else in the whole damn building and *reprimanding* me for hurting myself as if it's an attention seeking behavior that's above me because i know better all while not offering a drop of sympathy or care or desire to actually HELP me at any point during my stay(s) will never cease to kill my brain. fuck is not strong enough of a word to follow "what the actual" in this case. i've been thinking the past couple years that there was a stark contrast between when i was a kid and being treated as a criminal for being mentally ill as soon as i turned eighteen but honestly not really. as a child they still acted like i was a troublemaker with a behavior issue that needed to be beat out of me with sheer hate and not a severely hurting child who just needed to be treated with sincere kindness for once in my fucking life. before i had ever went to the hospital i fantasized about it being a gentle place where i was cared for and had my wounds tended to by people who cared about their job as those who are meant to heal people. what i was met with was people who didn't even understand how mental health worked at all despite having meaningless papers on their walls claiming they went to school for years to become "professionals", and who were only marginally better than prison wardens in how they treated their "patients".

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every time i have random nerve pain in my wrist i have to wonder if it's my own damn fault. no one else has random shooting pain right in the place where they chewed through their tissue and severed veins and nerves with their teeth.

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i've had emetophobia my whole life and throwing up was my worst fear it was the worst thing that could possibly happen. but i'm so sick, i want to throw up until i die

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forgiveness does not require reconnection

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i think im getting better! :) [another event occurs]

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How am I supposed to believe I’m worthy of love if I’ve had to beg for it my whole life?

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i fucking hate how i talk about my father like he's an ex boyfriend i broke up with amicably. i fucking hate how abusers are always so charismatic. one of hollywood's worst propagandas, the idea that abusers are always ugly and obvious. they're pretty and charismatic that's how they get away with it. i cannot express how fucking painful stockholm syndrome is.

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there are no words.

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if he would've lived a full human life that would've been infinitely more commendable. he barely suffered, his parents loved him even. everyone did and he just went around doing magic tricks his whole life. boohoo. i have to be human too and i don't get to go back to being an allpowerful god when i turn 32, i have to keep fucking suffering. you cannot convince me he didn't want to die, that makes no fucking sense. i've been crucified too and the pain in my wrists didn't end after a few hours, it's continued on for a fucking decade. i have suffered more than jesus ever did, and he caused a good portion of it too. sacrifice my fucking ass.

one time before i deconstructed i was like yknow i don't think jesus dying matters that much, dying is so easy. and honestly yeah because he didn't even die. he got to stop being human and go back to not having to eat or pee or sleep or do any of the other horrible things humans have to do. he only got the short end of the stick when he had to live on earth, dying was the best part for him and he only had to live for 32 years. becoming god again and no longer having to feel pain or any other bodily sensation anymore is the exact opposite of a sacrifice and you can't convince me otherwise. oh no he got to go back to being the awful omnipotent dude with a sword for a tongue, fire for eyes, and brass for feet. some sacrifice he made. is the sacrifice in the room with us?

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It didn’t kill me, but a part of me died that day.

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Anyways if you use straight jackets and other forms of restraint, padded rooms, in your art etc as someone who has not experienced this form of psych abuse I really really need you to tread lightly. I need you to be fucking respectful about it. If I see it used as a throwaway aesthetic choice or god fucking forbid as a JOKE one more time. I will set shit on fire.

I need you to understand that this is one of the worst things that can be done to someone, that it completely breaks you down. It is generally paired with isolation from other patients, sometimes In special rooms, sometimes stereotypically "padded" (though in real life I've only ever seen thick carpet being used, not whatever exists in those movies).

Really think about what it would do to you to be tied down in an empty room, no clocks, no indicator of time passing aside from the steps you hear coming down the hallway sometimes. Are they having lunch? Are they having dinner? no humans around you majority of the time, the nurses just checking on you through a window that you often cant see them through. They might be painted pink, or purple, etc, meant to "calm" you. It doesnt. It makes you lose your mind. You cant even fucking scratch your nose. There is nothing to fill the time. No reading. No listening to music. No connection to anyone who might help you. You can scream for hours, but you often quickly learn that the more you scream the longer they will keep you there like this. The most human reaction to this treatment is seen as proof of your insanity and as a need to prolong this treatment.

that it is often used to break you into compliance with whatever other fucked up shit they want to force on you. You dont want to take your meds? Well we cant legally force them down your throat (at least in some places I guess) but we CAN tie you down for a shit ton of time and the only way we will let you go is if you "consent" to taking your meds.

Your OC, your fucking blorbos, whatever, laying in a padded room tied up might be funny to you, isnt it so hilarious that they're (treated like) "one of those crazies". Look at this funny picture hihi. Sitcoms use this shit too. Psych ward, padded room, restraints, cue the laugh track.

But as one of those crazies we can usually tell when you want to actually depict our suffering and recognize it as such, give it the gravity it deserves. and when you only see this intense abuse as a funny thing or an aesthetic. And both are absolutely disgusting. Is this necessary? Is it worth more than preserving our dignity after the fact with treating our trauma with the seriousness and weight it deserves?

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you know what you shouldnt do? constantly tell your child how expensive they are to take care of. because eventually, that child gets scared of asking for money, and doesnt feed themself at school, doesnt go places with their friends that require money, because she doesnt want to be expensive. it really does get into their minds, that theyre too much money and that they shouldnt do anything.

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deleted tumblr but i've redownloaded it just to post this thing i wrote because i have nowhere else to share it. if there's grammatical errors yall will live because i'm not spending any more time on this than i need to.

imagine for a second that you are hospitalized for a broken leg. you are deathly allergic to nuts. you are in the er, and it's lunch time. they bring you a lunch entirely comprised of bowls of a dozen different types of nuts. as any sensible person would do, you refuse to eat it. you explain to them your allergy and that if you ate the lunch they presented you with you'd die an awful death. they say, it sounds like you have an eating disorder, and i know you don't want to eat lunch but you have to. you explain more in depth that you have legitimate allergies and that they as hospital staff should know that allergies are no joke and this is a life or death situation and by the way could they do something about your leg? they again say that you simply have an eating disorder and insist you eat your lunch. you ask to talk to different doctors who you reiterate to, for them all to diagnose you with an eating disorder while also ignoring your broken leg and refusing to give you any other type of food that isn't nuts. they say there is no other food in the hospital because nuts is the perfect food for everyone. eventually, you are exhausted and since they have been badgering you for hours to eat the goddamn lunch of assorted nuts, you give in. of course, before you can get very far you go into anaphylactic shock. as you struggle to breath, they simply stand there shaking their heads and clicking their tongues at you. the patient's eating disorder is even worse than we thought, they say. your heart stops and they finally albeit reluctantly resuscitate you and give you antihistamines, all while mocking you and scoffing at the lengths you will go to try to get attention so you can get out of eating. when you finally wake up, they scold you about being so dramatic. you scream at them that you're here to get your leg in a cast and they've instead nearly killed you. they have none of it, and when the next meal comes it's more nuts. the only thing you can do is convince them that you've eaten the nuts when you haven't in hopes that they're satisfied enough to discharge you, terrified to do anything for fear they'll make you stay longer. since they pay no mind to your mangled leg, you do your best to set it yourself and after a month of this, you're finally discharged from the hospital and you hobble out with a irreparably damaged leg that wasn't treated at all. you've been gaslit into almost believing that the only food on earth is nuts because that is what all the doctors insisted. you calapse in the street due to starvation and you're admitted into the hospital again. you awake to a tray of nuts being shoved in your face. that is what psych admittance is like for an autistic person with lifelong ptsd.

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at 20 years old i have finally figured out my bra size, after wearing bras that were too small basically since i was 12. people seriously need to fucking teach their kids this shit. teach your kids how to do their hair, teach your kids how to know their clothes sizes based on body measurements. teach your kids basic shit. my parents prioritized brainwashing me different unhealthy ideologies instead of teaching me how to EXIST. i had to figure out myself how to shave. i had to figure out myself how to dress. i didn't learn to tie my shoes until i was eight years old. i don't know how to talk to people or ask for help because very early on in my life if i ever asked for anything i was shamed so i learned to just not. by five years old i spent the majority of my time alone in my room because i was homeschooled, had no friends, and since i spent 24/7 with my mom we spent a lot of time fighting or not on speaking terms. if i wanted to spend time with friends the response was something along the lines of "you literally just did last week, why aren't you grateful for all we do for you". now i'm an adult who doesn't know how to be a person but does know how to detect shoe type based on the sound of footsteps and answer bible questions on jeopardy. i know this is really disjointed but i am pissed. how do you have children and then not teach them fucking anything useful.

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i love being both severely mentally unwell and hideously self aware it's like a free completely useless bonus feature that enhances the experience in all the worst and most mortifying ways possible

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i cannot just be accessible 24/7 and i'm starting to find it fucking weird that people expect that of their friends or whatever. humans are not open for business 24/7. they need to eat and sleep and shop for groceries and exist and just be away. i understand if your online friends are all you've got or whatever but you can't be upset if they don't talk to you every day, and they don't owe you attention just because they're online. i know what it's like, i've been in the exact same position and i cringe because i look at how i put people on pedestals and cried so hard i threw up if they didn't answer me and i feel so bad that i treated them that way because it's awful. i am really really sorry but if you are that torn up that your friends couldn't talk to you today then you are in the wrong. fix your expectations, please. it is incredibly rude to expect your friends to be available whenever you want and then project your problems onto them when they aren't. you yourself are also not available all the time, and you shouldn't be, nobody should. sometimes you just don't fucking wanna talk and you are not obligated to tell everyone about it. you ignore people and get to them when you can and that is HEALTHY. you also do not message everyone you know just to say you don't feel like talking today, so it's weird to expect them to do it for you.