#like a few months ago i was way more masc and now im just A Silly Fella (that feels right)

[a-heartshaped-object]

gender sure is a fuck, huh?

[roblogging]

Hey I’m sorry this is kind of repetitive from my last ask (the feeling like faking being trans one) so feel free to ignore this I just think it would be helpful to have a trans persons perspective again?

I used to identify as trans (ftm) and I think it was the happiest I ever felt but i stopped presenting that way when my mental health got bad like 3 years ago? and im like really scared of trying again for some reason like it feels like its not allowed because i stopped identifying that way, but I’ll see all these trans masc/men on my fyp and i wish i looked like them SO bad but i think part of why its so scary is that i have a lot of curves and am just not skinny and i almost never see trans people who look like me and i don’t know it’s so confusing and scary and im really scared of being wrong cause I don’t want people to think im faking it

screw people !! it's such a journey, and it's so so so okay to take some time to figure it out !!

and this is so fucking valid. if you're in a bad mental space then this is a bigggg thing to navigate ! esp if you have to handle coming out alongside that.

bestie start exploring !!! it's so much more diverse than what you see on tiktok 🙏 so much more diverse 🙏

it's okay if it's wrong as well. when i first started exploring my gender i only told online friends. they trialled names and pronouns with me, and i changed so many times until i found one that fit. i had this one person on tiktok a few months ago that dmed me when he was questioning, and we made a lil list of pronouns and potential names and every few days i'd just pop in and ask how they were using different ones, until one fit.

like it's SUCH a journey !! you don't need to have it all figured out and it's 100% okay to be wrong about it !! pne thing about trans rep online, is that you're going to see the end result more than the journey. same with mental health accounts, they mostly speak from the perspective of someone that's made it through the rough times and is now sharing insight. you won't see it often, but oh boy do we all struggle with this !!

[degendog]

hey! sorry in advanced for kinda spilling my guts, but idk there isnt really anyone else that ive found to talk to about this.

I’m trans masc, and recently, i made something thats like part strap-on, part dildo, and part packer. ive been wearing it and its been a adjustment, but ive been getting used to it.

ive also been trying to get off with it, but that hasnt been going super well. ive been trying to experiment recently, i've only really found that i get off to being called “good boy”, but just saying that to myself hasn't been very effective. (i tend to peek within the first 30 seconds, then go into something short of a depresive spiral for like 4-7 business days, which is why ive put off really trying anything until now.) so would you have any tips?

:3

hey man you’re all good. no shame in needing advice from horny transgenders on the internet lol.

im going to assume you’re pre-t bc of the macgyvered packer-dildo-strap, which i am very intrigued by if you’re willing to describe how that works. like. are you hard packing all the time? is it like a pack n play? did you make something yourself and if so what material? <-that’s more of a question for safety/hygiene reasons lol

everyone has a different relationship to jacking off pre-t. i barely ever jacked off bc it didn’t feel good before and id be crippled with dysphoria every time i stuck a hand in my pants. a pre t dude i know is wayyyy hornier than i am now. there’s no shame in whatever libido you have, especially considering how dysphoria can affect it.

my advice: take some of the pressure to cum off yourself. it’s okay if you don’t cum when you jack off, particularly if you’re trying something new. forcing yourself to chase an orgasm isn’t fun when it’s every time (forced orgasms are hot, but only when it’s fun for everyone involved). let yourself try shit out and see what feels good. look at ftm porn if you need ideas—particularly amateur work. there’s a lot on various subreddits, but i’d avoid r/ftmspunished (which is a transmasc kinky subreddit) for at least a while bc way too much of the content on there is feminization. not helpful when you’re trying to feel comfortable sexually as a man.

seriously though, looking at porn is a great way to find out what you’re into and what gets you going. i mostly look at amateur porn bc it’s less perfect and closer to reality to me. there’s usually less fantasy involved, so it’s easier to imagine yourself in that scenario. you can watch videos of other trans guys jacking off and try to copy their movements, for example.

as for the 30-second peak followed by the week of depression, that sounds like a high libido impacted by good old standard issue dysphoria to me. i actually had pretty bad bottom dysphoria myself up until a few months ago, even after years on t. what helped me learn to love my anatomy was realizing that i’m not a lesser man just because i’m trans. i don’t have to be a last resort. people can be attracted to me for me, including my transness. (and then i got a really fucking good blowjob recently that further confirmed that lol so. worth a shot). you’re not a lesser man because you’re trans, and you and your dick are still worthy of love.

also. for the love of god do not everyday pack with a dildo unless you have one of the specially made ones. use a rolled up sock as a packer if you can’t get a silicone one. i’ve been using a sock packer for like six years.

much love man

[cepheusgalaxy]

I... something's weird

My mom started using the pronouns I asked her to a while ago... and it doesn't feel right? Like, probably it is because I'm not that used to it so I need a period of adaptation... but what if it's not? Like, my disphoria did't come that much from pronouns but I still don't wanna use she/her... or do I? Do I really wanna use he/him or I'm just going along with the "boy = he/him" logic??? I've tried they/them some times too... but it felt so bad. But thinking of it now, it may be becaude I always heard it with sarcasm? As a joke. As an insult. I also love my mom, and I know she's trying to help... but she keeps reminding me that its hard to keep up when I change pronouns and it makes me feel guilty... I've kept he/him for now because I thought that's what I wanted? But I'm not sure anymore. And regarding my name... I know I've chosen Heron but is it really the right one? Like... I didn't mind it much but lately i've been feeling so annoyed at it... It's a fine name and I liked it even but not anymore. I guess that's normal? I kind of hate it when certain people use it. And i like these people, a lot. But then theres my dad... He calls me by this name with such affection and I don't feel uncorfotable at all. Every time he calls me I think of that. Should I really change my name at all? I don't wanna hear that hesitation my mom has when she calls me a he. I still like it when my dad calls me by my birthname. Should I change names and have just him call me by that? Should I give up on Heron? Maybe I shouldn't even be worrying about that. I only figured that I was trans a few months ago... it hasn't even been a year. People take a lot of time to figure out that. But I don't wanna wait.

I know I'm trans, but am I in the way I thought I was? I usually have a first thought regarding a thing but then I dismiss it. And all the time I end up coming to that same first conclusion. When I first started questioning I went with lots of "complex" nonbinary genders, what if I was right? Maybe I'm more genderfucked than I first thought.

But I guess I'm afraid too. I'm afraid of labelling myself and exploring because people won't get it. And I know I shouldn't be tinking about anyone but ME when it comes to that but I can't... I'm not exactly out in school. Some of my friends know I have something going on and i "look" kinda queer but I just left things with a "yea im a little bit gay maybe" and I can't help but think that if I label myself with a weird gender nobody will get it and ill just feel even more misunderstood.

I know I'm masc. But how much?

Where does my disphoria comes from? Where does my euphoria comes from? I wish I had the answers and why is it so hard to choose a name

Perhaps I should go with something longer. I also kinda like "international" names. Maybe something with 'a'? To match my birthname. I still like it. Even tho I hate it.

Avalon? Idk what kind of name is this but it sounds great. Amy? Amelie? Is it fine by me if I go by a gendered name? Why is it so hard?

I wish I knew more people like me. Personally. I just feel so lonely. I like to be alone a lot of the time but sometimes I just feel like im never with anyone that gets it. Sometimes I feel like im kind of a bad friend because--along other reasons (im terrible at comforting people or helping when theyre upset...)--sometimes i don't really wanna hang out with them because we barely share any interests. I have this one friend i love to hang out wit because we share the same passions and can do nothing or anythimg together but with my other friends-i like them sm but we don't really connect. They keep saying im gifted or somethinf cuz i can draw, they never shut up about how im oh-so great with art and i do a doodle and theyre like "OH wow what a masterpiece" and im doing an illustration for the sake of it, to feel good for making art, to make my world a little prettier with the colors i chose, decorating my homework or whatever and they all "woah you didn't have to humiliate us" every time! Its annoying! I hate it! We don't share anything, they like doing things that are not completely my thing-i mostly do them for the sake of hanging out with them because i always have such a great time-they have lifes completely different from mine and available at different times. Do you know that "you didn't really have a childhood if you didn't do x or y" meme? I HATE it. Cuz i didn't do x or y. It makes me feel so dismissed. So different. And most of my friends DID do x and y so i don't share that with them. I'm just so tired of being different all the time. I wish I was surrounded by more people like me. Maybe this will sound really gen z but idk what i'd do without social media. I'd prob feel even worse.

And my friends have struggles so different from mine. They don't have nice homes. They had such a troubled childhood. They had different joys too. They had sleepovers, childhood friends they grew up close to and still are close friends to this day and are so comfortable around each other and always went to the same school. I didn't really have this kind of friend because my mom didn't know in what school to put me at the time so i never stayed in one school for more than one year. My most was 2. And they're all cishet. They're all allo-i mean, exept from one. And i am so afraid for her. She goes around using she/her, once she told she'd like to go by he/him, we talked about gender sometimes and we saw that she liked the bigender label but her family is super religious and her therapist is also from her church and does "spiritual healing as well as mental" and she said she was over being bi because christians shouldn' be bi and--anyways i... and i don't know how to help my friends and they have so many problems and they don't know how to help me and i don't really talk about my problems with them and i don't know if i trust then enough to... share it all and i just wish i had more queer friends and people who understood me because i always feel so unseen ;( and lonely. And miserable.

And my mom-i just, and my dad, they are divorced but they keep bringing each other up and long story short theyre driving ne crazy they don't like each other but they can never get along and they keep dragging me and my siblings to their long ENDLESS conversations about the other one and im SO DONE I JUST WISH THEY COULD IGNORE EACH OTHER AND COLABORATE

And were traveling-my siblings me and my mom and everytime we do she always plans out everything but she doesnt really gives us freedom to have free chill time when we're there because everything is just so tightly scheduled planned and thats something really minor but i really need free chill MY tine EVERY DAY to recharge, even if it is from fun, to write, draw, read, do whatever i want-and me and my mom have ideas of fun so different and UGH

And she keeps calling me he and she is technically being supportive and avoiding misgendering me but WHY DO I FEEL SO UNCONFORTABLE?? And i shouldn't be mad at her because she is technically doing the right thing but :( i need to figure things out for myelf, find a support group because I REALLY need to surround with my kind and then tell her how it turns out for me.

I just-it's so hard being fourteen, when will this stop?

[dog-teeth]

is there anything you wish you had known before starting T? are there any effects that you dislike? sorry if this is too personal, i'm just trying to make sure i'm making a good decision. i'm agender but i want to present more masc but i'm scared that i'll end up hating the effects of T even though there are some things that i really really want from it. also, i love your art!

no worries im honestly fine with talking about almost all transition/gender related stuff! im gonna talk (p non-explicitly) about sex and body stuff so i’ll put this under the cut

there aren’t any effects i dislike. when i started there were things that i was very nervous for because i thought i would hate them but ended up loving them. i prefer almost everything i experience on hrt, or i don’t care about it, so for example i LOVE my voice now & i love the way T makes me feel emotionally (both physiologically and psychologically), but i don’t care about having facial hair because i always shave it but it’s not that much of a hassle and sometimes stubble is cute. i don’t care for the body hair either bc i was already basically as hairy as a cis man pre-T, i even liked my old leg hair better because the texture was less coarse. the only thing i like better not on T is sexual sensations, but honestly i dont have sex so it doesn’t matter lol. i was v scared for bottom growth and was certain i would hate it but it actually rules i love it (i don’t love that i need like three times as much lube now tho cuz ur ability to naturally lubricate goes way down) also this was one of the most uncomfortable changes at first cuz it makes the clit very tender and sensitive and it will rub against your underwear and be really uncomfy with friction, so make sure u have soft underwear and loose pants. sorry for talking about my genitalia but tbh there is nowhere near enough information about trans bodies and its one of the least discussed aspects of hrt.

however, i was not always this content with taking T! it was a rocky start! there’s nothing that bothers me now, but when i was first starting, a lot bothered me. i was SO sweaty for NO reason, my voice HONKED like a third of the time i opened my mouth, i was VERY ANGRY very quickly, and i was so so hungry!!! snacking forever!! all of these things mellowed out over the first few months, i’m back to not sweating very much and being able to speak like a human person and my anger is actually significantly more manageable than it was pre-T because it comes and goes easily which means i no longer fester deep frustration and anger all the time. i think my appetite leveled out but it’s still higher than before, i gained a couple pounds but it wasn’t a lot.

i don’t want to pressure or sway anyones decision to take hrt, but i would say that your body and mind are so very capable of adapting to new things & even if you end up not liking some parts of hrt you will be able to deal with them and move on, and most of the things that are nerve-wracking end up being fine. its super super scary to try taking hrt since so much is permanent changes to your body. but you can always take a low dose to make the changes happen slower, and like i said you get used to things way easier than you think you will.

i was really really really scared and uncertain when i started T, but i’m so glad i made the jump to do it! i could never have imagined how much it would improve my life! there were so many things i was terrified of - doing irreparable “damage” to my body, regretting it, being read as male, certain specific physical effects, etc. i also didn’t know anybody irl who took T, just my beautiful lovely trans woman friend who started E years ago while we were friends, so seeing her go through the process inspired me a lot. we r both so sexy now like we were sexy before but honestly hrt has made us unstoppable & i love it for us. i definitely couldn’t have done it without her support. i’m getting off track, my point was that i didn’t know anybody on T so i couldn’t see firsthand what it was like, i was basically my own experiment, and it was so scary. but eventually i reached the mindset of “i’m so fucking miserable and something needs to change and i’m not 100% certain it’s this but i need to try because i can’t spend the rest of my life wondering about it and if i do end up hating it i’ll just fucking deal with it from there” i would def recommend being more certain than i was but i do think theres a lot about hrt you just wont know how youll react to until it happens. above all my fears, i just wanted it, and all my fears were very surface-level (what if i hate my body [i already hate my body] what if i hate how people percieve me [i already hate how people percieve me] what if it makes me miserable [i’m already miserable] what if i regret taking it [what if i regret not taking it or i miss out on an opportunity to be happy] )

i cant tell you if T is the right choice for you, but i can tell you that i also had fears and uncertainties before starting, and that if you do end up hating it you’ll be able to adapt.

[lettersfromkokichiouma]

ehehehe hEYyyyyy Kokichiii~~~ I, 🍬 anon have returned!!

ik i sent in an ask not too long ago but likE-

i lowkey needa vent rn and srry if this ends up long as hell lmao (feel free to answer this whenevr you want mod no pressure <3 )

just for some context, a few months or so ago (i have no clue lol) i realized that im a trans demiguy instead of being genderfluid because i realized i was forcing myself to accept she/her pronouns cause i didnt wanna be an inconvience to people but i still liked really feminine stuff which is why i thought i was genderfluid at first, but i just needed some time to really think about it yk? also in case you wanna know my pronouns are he/him or they/them <3

aNyWaY sooo a few days ago i bought a chest binder on amazon and not even a day after it arrived, my parents sat me down and asked me why i bought it behind their backs. cause i never told them i bought it in the first place. they ended up practically forcing me to come out to them because there was no other way i couldve gotten out of the situation, and the reactions i got wheerrreeee mixed to say the least. it could've been much worse, but it felt like it couldve gone so muhc better. my mom started crying and said that she'll accept me no matter "whether you have short hair, long hair, or whatever you wear" which like.... lowkey feels transphobic to me??? like being trans (in my opinion) is hardly ever about what you wear or what you look like, wear whatever the hell you want whether its feminine or masc or whatever. all that matters is what your comfortable with yourself yk? it just kinda feels like she has this incredibly shallow understanding of what being trans is and doesnt even want to try to learn more about it. she was also more concerned about the fact that i didnt tell them before hand which in my opinion isnt something i have to do. just because i didnt come to them about it doesnt mean i dont trust them. she said that she doesnt think she'll be able to use my preferred name and pronouns too soo thAnKs mOm. my dad on the other hand was much more understanding, but still said stuff like "your young" and "your feeling lots of different emotions right now" and my mom said similar things as well. bUUuUut it kinda gets a bit worse... the day after all of this happened, for the entire day, my mom completely ignored me, not even bothering to look me in the eye or even speak to me. while she and my younger brother had a full conversation about his day when i got back from school, she never said a word to me. she didnt even talk to me for the rest of the day until recently where she said "good night". IS THAT IT- its honestly like she doesn't care that she practically ghosted me the entire day. id probably understand if she had a rough day and didnt feel like talking, but she was just fine talking to my brother, so now im wondering if she's transphobic. and ignoring someone let alone her own kid the whole day is something thats really really not like her usual self, so yeah. tbh, i had a gut feeling that she had at the very least internalized transphobia, so now i really wish that i had gotten to test the waters first but instead i was flung straight into the deep end of the pool. metaphorically. although, im not completely sure how this will all play out... in the meantime though, thank you so much for listening kokichi~~ <333 can i have some comfort cuddles please? 👉👈

*covers your face in kisses and cuddles you softly*

“wellll first of all, im super glad you figured that out about yourself!

congratulations! im really proud of you!

...but im sorry your parents didn’t have a good reaction.

if my child came out as trans, i’d throw them a party and buy them anything they want! buuut some parents aren’t like that....

sometimes they do accept you but they’re just reallllyyy bad at understanding what’s going on.

orrrrrr they’re transphobic which is totally awful! i don’t tolerate those types of people!

and you shouldn’t either! you shouldn’t have to deal with dumb people like that or dumb things like transphobia!

you are who you are! and i think you’re amazing!

the easiest thing to give people is respect y’know? and it’s soooo dumb that they can’t give you that right away!

...you’re valid, whether or not they choose to respect you though!

that’s the most important thing to remember! no one can hurt you if you know how incredibly amazing you are y’know?

and im not lying about that. i think you know me enough by now to know i don’t lie about stuff like that!!

and yup! of course i’ll give you comfort cuddles!

*opens arms*

you deserve them after all.”

-Kokichi Ouma

[cassolotl]

Testosterone, Day 432

That’s just over 14 months. Still on one pump of Tostran per day, which is 10mg of testosterone. (For comparison, I found out that one pump of Androgel or Testogel is 20.25mg.) My dose is considered low. Gel vs. injections dosages are not comparable so watch out for that.

BIG CHANGE compared to the last update: 5 days ago (27th Nov), I had my first injection of Decapeptyl (intramuscular injection, administered to the buttock every 12 weeks by a nurse who can do IM injections). It’s a hormone blocker that shuts down my ovaries, as far as I know? It didn’t hurt at all, but I gather that pain varies from injection to injection. It has different components that need to be mixed with a separate syringe, so it’s not really like getting a flu jab.

It was prescribed to me by the endocrinologist at the London gender clinic, after I explained that 12 days of being off T (even coming off only 1 pump of Tostran per day, the lowest of the low) gave me some truly awful menstrual symptoms. The idea is, if I’m on Decapeptyl and it stops my ovaries, coming off T will only cause coming-off-T symptoms rather than that plus menstrual symptoms. Then I can look into either going into menopause on purpose (and taking drugs to prevent heart problems and osteoporosis), being on T again, or letting my ovaries kick back in.

I am curious to find out how it affects my sex drive and my appetite, which are the two things that are affected most by hormonal treatments for me. (Testosterone made my sex drive increase a LOT at first and then gradually decrease until it’s back to normal after 6 months, and as my sex drive gets back to normal my appetite increases.) It’s only been a few days and it takes at least a month to get to its full effect so it’s going to be a while until I find out how it feels.

Last entry: Day 309.

Skin: My skin is totally back to normal! If anything, it’s a little better than pre-T because the highs and lows of my menstrual cycle are levelling out.

Appetite: I have that thing, a very familiar hormone thing for me by now, that I’ve had before with hormonal birth control and with the first round of T: wanting to eat and feeling “fake hungry” even though I can tell I’ve had plenty of food. It happens especially in the evening, and I always want to eat carbs. It happened 6 months into the first testosterone period, and then at 7ish months I stopped T for 12 days and then started again for unrelated reasons and my appetite got totally reset back to normal and it was such a relief. Now, it’s about the same amount of time into testosterone again and I’ve been noticing the weird appetite creeping back in over the last couple of weeks. So I guess this is just something that happens after 6 months on T for me!

Sex drive: Pretty much back to pre-T levels.

Menstrual cycle: (I have working ovaries but no uterus so it’s just hormonal cycle stuff.) My joints generally feel less loose than before, and my pre-menstrual symptoms are much reduced.

Voice: There has been very little change over the past 3-5 months. It’s just a very slow meandering downwards, really. Sometimes I feel really resonant in my voice, and sometimes it gets kind of more head-voicey (which feels bad at the time), and in the head-voice times it gets higher-pitched and then it cracks a bit in a teenage boy way, and I have to consciously lower my pitch and deepen the resonance to reset myself!

Body hair: Very little change over the past few months. The hair under my belly button is a bit coarser, and it’s spreading out a bit. I have visible but light soft hairs on my thighs. My lower legs are a bit hairier, and the hair extends to the top of my feet a little bit. I continue to be not into the masculine body hair pattern, but I can live with it for the time being I think!

Facial hair: Darker hairs on my upper lip, still quite cis woman amounts. Some very light peach fuzz on my cheeks, and lately I’ve noticed some tiny hairs on my lower lip too. When it was just my upper lip, my facial hair gave me masc and fem dysphoria at the same time - fem because it’s a very typical cis women look, and masc because I know it’s caused by taking testosterone. The increase in other facial hair is reducing dysphoria all round though, I feel pretty okay about it, even though I was not expecting to. I hope it doesn’t get thicker.

Genitals: No change since the last update. I am 100% ready for the metoidioplasty (no testicular prostheses, no vaginectomy, no urethral messing-about), but it’s going to be a couple of years probably.

Fat distribution: My body fat is mostly concentrated around my middle (belly and thighs) now, and I don’t think I have any gender dysphoria about it, but it does bother me because testosterone has increased my appetite, so I’m putting on weight and I don’t like it! I hate having to buy new clothes and I hate change (#ActuallyAutistic), so I just want my body to be the same size as before but with smaller hips and whatnot.

Actual hormones: Since the last update I had a fasting blood test 4-6 hours after applying the Tostran gel and it was about 13 nmol - low masculine range, but higher than the last T blood test.

Hairline: It still feels a smidge higher than pre-T. I’ve been growing out my hair for 122 days and it looks ridiculous, but I can’t blame testosterone for that - it’s just that it’s too long and too short at the same time, that classic growing-out-your-hair feeling.

Transition details: Nonbinary, only really want to change my voice pitch and then stop, I’m on the lowest dose of testosterone.

Voice pitch app data:

[shtbgs-blog]

me: has 500 muses me: adds more

shush i am in a battle to have the most muses and just bc i have like 600 doesn’t mean i don’t want to play them a few of these are old old old muses I always have muse for and would love to start playing again.

under the read more you will find introductions for:

ambrose hartley ( bebe rexha ) colby blackstone ( sofia black-d’elia ) harley maddox ( miley cyrus ) brinley joseph ( chloe norgaard ) quinn james ( kehlani parrish ) daniel silver ( herman tommeraas ) lance nash ( justin bieber ) holden clover ( james franco ) & conor johnson ( nicholas hoult )

Do I hate myself? Yes I do.

AMBER ROSE “AMBROSE” HARTLEY looks an awful lot like BEBE REXHA. SHE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they're PLAYFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty ABSENT MINDED. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to HURRICANE by HALSEY. 

Ambrose came from a really loving family tbh like, she had no problem with them at all in the slightest

her problem was she just couldn’t stay tame no matter how hard she tried, even when she was young she seemed to be full of energy and at the age of six they had adopted another little girl to be Amber’s best friend

For a long time they were the closest of friends, and there were times where Amber thought they’d be friends forever, but as they grew older she could see how different they really were, and how perfect she seemed to fit into Amber’s family

Better than Amber ever had, actually.

So at the age of eighteen she packed up her things and moved out.

She didn’t move far, at first, instead she decided to crash with one of her girlfriends but that honestly didn’t last long.

That was when she began to travel but no one ever seemed to match her wild and adventurous persona.

While she was gone she did do a lot of bad things you could say. One of those things being mixed up with a man who actually sold her for prostitution but you won’t ever catch her talking about that

During one of these wild adventures, though, someone made the joke that they thought her name was Ambrose because of how fast she speaks. Ever since then it just stuck. That was a few years ago ( 25 )

She just recently came back to Kola after deciding maybe it was time to go home and see her family and old friends. But who knows how long this will last.

COLBY BLACKSTONE looks an awful lot like SOFIA BLACK D’ELIA. SHE is TWENTY and while they’re LAID BACK, they have a tendency to get pretty IMPULSIVE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to FAST CAR by KHALID COVER.

papa was a rolling stone..... legit

her dad is a rock star and she’s one of hadley’s siblings

her mom is just as wild and firey as her father with a legit passion for music and maybe did a few songs with him but she was most known for kind of being a hot mess ( courtney love vibes )

which is why it’s so fucking weird that colby is the way she is like? she is just this soft spoken chill individual who likes to take photos

she’s been her parents photographer for events since she was sixteen but she’s been dying to get away from them 

so off to kola university it was, where she’s studying photography

she’s here to have a good time and she’s pretty chill

unless you get her stoned then she’s fucking wild

oh and when she’s drunk????

she’s basically a fucking rockstar just like her parents

HARLEM “HARLEY” MADDOX looks an awful lot like MILEY CYRUS. THEY are TWENTY FIVE and while they’re ACCEPTING, they have a tendency to get pretty OBNOXIOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to CURSE OF CURVES by CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR. 

Harley is here to steal your girl honestly they flirt with every single female they come into contact with it’s kind of overwhelming 

but they arent strictly into females they just feel more comfortable around them

They have always been masc / the dom in every single relationship they’ve been in, romantic or platonic. 

They just have always had that more dominant personality type which has lead to them getting into a great deal of fights

When they were seventeen they came out that they identify as agender and go by they/them pronouns but their parents just didn’t seem to get it???

it wasn’t super bad or anything it just lead it to be awkward in their house hold so Harley decided to leave at the age of eighteen after graduation

Ever since they’ve been living with their best friend ( wc ) 

They work in a liquor store where honestly they get to pick up on a lot of people and get invited to a lot of parties so they dig their life a lot tbh.

BRINLEY JOSEPH looks an awful lot like CHLOE NORGAARD. SHE is TWENTY-ONE and while they’re HELPFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty SKETCHY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to RAINBOW by KESHA

. oh my god this is my oldest muse I’m bringing in so far and I’m actually writing a book based off her life so there’s a strong ass chance this is gonna be long and I’m gonna have the absolute most muse for her because i know her so well

so basically when brin was 16 her father convinced her to start dealing drugs for her in school because it was like the easiest way for him to make money since so many people in LA, California were smoking pot esp in high school 

And her dad has always been like a brodude more than an actual father figure and like she agreed because hey she got to pocket some of the cash and she was able to live her best life right

wrong at seventeen she actually fell in love with someone while her father was gone for a full fucking month and he had the audacity to come back pissed off at her for pulling away from him / he also may be on the run from the cops bc he almost got busted but he was mad at her for the former

so he took her away from la and they began their travels on the road

she never even got to finish high school

Basically she lived in an RV with her father traveling from city to city selling drugs just to get by

Her father had a way with talking to people that made it easier for them to sell and what not but soon, her father’s connection ran dry

She was nineteen the first time one of her fathers friends cornered her in the small RV bedroom and no matter how loud she yelled, he never came.

He swore it’d never happen again.

Three months later it was an almost routine practice and Brinley realized she never meant anything to him

She was too scared to leave and still to this day hasnt

She’s currently living in Kola, California but she’s staying in a motel room

Her father was able to score some drugs when they got there so she’s currently selling but she’s scared when the drugs run out he’s going to turn back to the old routine.

Give me some new friends for her

give me some people who will show her she can leave her father and stay in kola forever

QUINN JAMES looks an awful lot like KEHLANI PARRISH. SHE is TWENTY-THREE and while they’re SELFLESS, they have a tendency to get pretty MESSY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to THE FEELING by JUSTIN BIEBER. 

Quinn is such a mess of a human being I swear to god

She would give her left foot to a stranger if they needed it which is wild because she thinks thats her best attribute

NO IM JOKING BUT SERIOUSLY THIS GIRL WOULD GIVE ANYONE HER WORLD and she’s so quick to fall in love with people it’s absolutely disgusting

but she’s just the kind of person who thinks too far ahead but she’s such a fucking optimist she feels like everything will work out and nothing could POSSIBLY EVER GO WRONG!

wow is she constantly wrong it’s a problem but listen you can’t get her down no matter how hard you try

she’s new so thats legit all i know about her

DANIEL SILVER looks an awful lot like HERMAN TOMMERAAS. HE is TWENTY-THREE and while they’re HELPFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty UNREALISTIC. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to I’LL SHOW YOU by JUSTIN BIEBER.

Oh my god this wild fucking animal right here was well, at first he was cosima silver’s nephew but now since i have them in the same group he’s her cousin and lives with her in the apartment above her little shop

This did not happen easily, oh no, he comes from a family of very strict parents who actually exiled Cosima’s family from their lives at a young age because they believed in her ‘gifts’ and they thought they were crazy

Daniel, though, thought the exact opposite. When they were young and before the split happened Cosima would talk to Daniel about her gifts and he would reel in them and he literally loved it so much

But when they were cast out of the family Daniel sort of realize just how horrible his family actually was??? and how different he was????

Sadly his dumb ass was honestly stuck there until a month ago where he finally packed up his shit and completely bailed on his family then moved in with Cosima and he’s been here ever since

He works in her shop as a tarot card reader or rather, he’s trying to learn how to do it. He has literally no gifts but he wants to help people and maybe start to learn from Cosima 

Personality wise he’s my big pansexual mess who is flirting and messing around with just about everyone every chance he gets and he just lives for making out and hooking up and having a good fucking time okay

LANCASTER “LANCE” NASH looks an awful lot like JUSTIN BIEBER. HE is TWENTY-SIX and while they’re RELIABLE, they have a tendency to get pretty IRRITABLE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to HOLY GRAIL by JAY Z FEAT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

 lets start off with the fact that Lance is the oldest of SEVEN CHILDREN his mother being the common denominator 

Lance was the first born and her most prized son out of all the kids but as he got older, and she started having so many suitors, and started toying with various hard drugs he sort of lost that connection with her and was forced to grow up way too young.

When he was ten, he already had three siblings, each one of them born a year or two after the other and Lance was the only one who could really take care of them. Him and the second oldest were often left in charge of the kids but they didn’t want much to do with all the kids and Lance sort of understood that.

When he turned nineteen and the second oldest was eighteen they left town without so much as a letter which only forced Lance to become the actual father the whole family needed.

His life has always been about the kids. He now has siblings ranging from 3 to 25 and he usually keeps tabs on all of them. 

But ya boi has to make money some how, so, he’s dedicated any time he can get away from the youngest kids to doing what he does best and thats babysitting drug addicts or being a designated driver.

He personally does not do drugs but he knows what to do and how to take care of people when they’re tripping so he has become the druggie babysitter of Kola, California.

He’s honestly a really cool dude who is actually really fucking helpful all of the time

He just gets really god damn moody sometimes and wants to punch people in the throat but think about it his day starts at 6 AM with 2 children and 2 tweens, you’d be moody as hell too by 9 pm while driving some drunk asshole home

HOLDEN CLOVER looks an awful lot like JAMES FRANCO. HE is THIRTY-NINE and while they’re BALANCED, they have a tendency to get pretty FICKLE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to A WALK THROUGH HELL by SAY ANYTHING. 

his gif doesn’t match my aesthetic at all or his aesthetic but IDGAF BECAUSE IM ALIVE FOR IT

ANYWAY Holden is a cop:tm: he’s been idolizing them his entire life and now he’s just a good guy cop who sometimes lets people off with a warning and is that ‘cool cop’ around town like

all the kids love him, even criminals like him he’s just really charismatic and seems really chill????

ugh i have literally virtually no information for him other than he was divorced and it’s gonna be one of the many wcs i write up and submit but if someone wants an ex husband who gets too focused on his job all the time hmu for sure

he also has a younger brother who may or may no t better be dave franco

CONOR "CJ" JOHNSON looks an awful lot like NICHOLAS HOULT. HE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they're COMPASSIONATE, they have a tendency to get pretty RECLUSE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to IDK LOVE by JEREMY ZUCKER.

ok he’s not a zombie in his main verse but like if u think for ( 1 ) second im not turning him into a zombie for the zombie verse ur WRONG!!!!

but lets focus on mainverse cj and talk about zombie cj later

Conor has always been a nice and compassionate kid and honestly, he got married at 23 to the love of his life

But after three beautiful years he lost his wife to a car accident and he hasnt been the same since

a lot of people in town look at him like this poor broken bird because ever since his wife died he hasn’t been able to be like a normal human being 

he doesn’t go out

he barely goes to work

he’s going to lose his house

he’s just in a deep deep deep depression and honestly it’s actively sad

but he’s still nice and charming and flirty at times but it’s very rare

[moidse]

bro-- long time no chat!!

things have been better good lately between me and the partner. a few weeks ago- well probably more than a month ago now... i read a tweet that hit me about loving someone fully-- i felt like i was holding back because they are moving away, and so i was shutting them off slowly to protect myself instead of loving them fully-- because i had already made the decision that we wont work out when they move, and i realized that isn’t true necessarily. the future is malleable. And plus reading their ish about me sending emails had me stop cuz i was like ah. lol. but idk i have been feeling like im in a new funk lately

I just miss having good sex. I feel very uncomfortable in my body. I’ve gained a decent amount of weight in the last 6 months and I feel significantly less attractive. I feel bad I’m not having good sex and I do not feel confident that I could attract someone and have better sex with where my body is right now. I also feel uncomfortable to be on camera because of my body weight and I am too big for my cute outfits from last year. I also partly feel like I gain more weight when im with someone and when im single i push myself more to be fit to attract people and to feel more confident going on dates. I almost think I need a pause from hanging out with my partner until I have my workout routine down and i’m taking it seriously, because I know going to their house and doing nothing isn’t what I want to be doing anymore. I want to be working out and losing weight. I want to be working on my creative projects. I want to be moving forward. I need to continue creating content. 

I am missing having good sex again. which is a feeling that seems to swing like a pendulum. it comes and goes every month or 2. The past few times has been me wanting to top and touch my partner and they were like okay i’m cool with that now. and even before that it was about them touching me and why wont the go down on me and then after i complained they just did it, even though before they said they were too nervous. And it is amazing to think of, in the past,, idk 6 months how far they’ve come. They literally didn’t even want to be naked around me, didn’t want me to touch them at all-- and for the first time recently they are asking me to touch them now... but it still doesn’t hit right.... like when i have sex with them the orgasms are soooo small... i cum harder when im alone. which is the sad truth. 

This has all made me better realize how sex is something very important to me in a relationship. I feel like at first I was hesitant to say something like that because I’ve had people in the past act as if all I care about is sex and i’m a fuck boy... which, sex isn’t the only thing I care about but it is something I do care about and matters to me when it comes to dating and there isn’t any thing wrong with that. It took me years to except my sexuality and I learned there is no reason to hide my sexual wants and desires and I feel like people have acted like im some super horny sex freak when I just learned not to be ashamed of my sexual desires, literally like how must white str8 men are, but because im perceived as a black woman, i’m the one who is being deviant.

It took me a long time to accept my sexuality, and then it took me even longer to accept my sexually kinky bdsm desires. It took me so long to learn that there isn’t any reason to be ashamed of wanting to be dominated. I’m allowed to be more masc presenting and be a bottom. Like i really was so embarrassed about that for so long-- probably because I hung out with only str8 white cis men who would find it embarrassing if they wanted to be dominated, because they can only be dominate in bed otherwise other people might judge them... anyways im so glad i do not hang with any str8 cis white boys anymore, they really had a bad influence on me when it came to my views on dating, sex, and women. they all talk about it like women are real people and i also was guilty of that. i’ve grown a lot since being in college. It was when i was half way through college i started accepting the fact that i like the idea of being sexually dominated. i like tall women. i love muscular women. i love people who are tops, dominate, who want to be called daddy. I love all that shit. and when i would mention it to my white str8 cis dude friends they would react in disgust. and honestly it taught me if ppl react that way to my sexual desires that have taken me so long to accept, then they have no space in my friend circles. im basically done being friends with str8 white cis people. they are exhausting to be friends with. 

but anyways, last year,,, ehhh it always feels like it was last year but i guess it was two years ago,, well partly last year.. idk ... anyways when i met o**** That relationship was the first time I was open with someone I was having sex with about being trans and my dysphoria and they honestly responded so well and fucked me in very affirming ways and it made me cry because i had never felt such joy before when having sex and feeling gender euphoria. 

I always thought that I didn’t want to be in a relationship that was like butch/femme when i was a baby dyke. I used to not want a  relationship that even resembled heterosexuality in anyway. but when i was with o**** i felt we had that dynamic of butch/femme. like when we went out it was clear who the “guy” in the relationship was and it was me. it was clear I was filling that role and they filled the other role and to my surprise i loved it. I loved having that dynamic. I loved going to the sex shop with them and the worker helping me get a masc harness and then assuming they want a femme one. I loved knowing that out in public people see me as the guy in the relationship-- because I want to be seen as a guy in general. Being with them opened up this whole side of gender euphoria I had never felt before. That relationship helped me better understand what I want and am looking for. Not to mention the sex was amazing, the best i’ve ever had. 

When we first started dating I would top them and it felt great and amazing. Then when I opened up and said I like to be dominated too, they just slide right into that roll with little to no hesitation. And then they started dominating and topping me and found that they really like it. It was the hottest sex I’ve ever had. I’ve always wanted to be dominated and having a dominate femme is so hot. My sexual dreams were finally coming true. And because things were so easy for us sexually I think I just assumed it would always be that way. 

Its unfortunate that o**** is such a manipulative person otherwise I’d still be talking to them/fucking them. I still think about approaching them with the idea of just having a sexual relationship and not romantic and see if they are interested. but now isn’t a good time with rona. but anyways, Things working out with us so well sexually I assumed that would just be how it is if I open up and share my wants and desires. I didn’t want to be dating o*** I just wanted to be dominated again and I had gotten it out of my system and they confessed that they still see me as the love of their life, which is the opposite of how I felt so it felt like things should end here. But lets be real, I str8 up dropped them, ghosted them, because I no longer needed their fuck because I had found someone new k****. As soon as k**** said they thought I was cute back I was like BINGO and I legit just dropped o****. I felt like a beast. I felt like a boss ass bitch. Like damn, I have never gotten back with someone to have a good time to just drop them once I found someone new that maybe has potential. 

But me feeling like a boss ass bitch came to a halt when like a day later or something k**** was like im really busy with pride and then im leaving for the summer. I was like wow great. I really didn’t want to take this L so I went out of my way to hit on them constantly at cpride as much as I could. Then I finally got them to agree to see be before they leave. it went well. then over the summer I was soooo anxious about every email. I just didn’t want them to lost interest in me and also it was hard to respond to their emails because they were boring lmao. I also was stressed because there was like zero flirting going on and every time i’d try to move the conversation there they would take two steps back. This made me even more insecure and not sure if they even liked me. And I made the stupid move of not trying to hit on anyone else out of fear of them coming back and me having to pick one or explain and shit. meanwhile they were dating other people. its so annoying. its so annoying that im the one not satisfied and they got to date and be with other people... but i guess thats just cuz no one else wanted to be with me......I was literally only okay with it cuz i thought s***** liked me and they didn’t... they lowkey played me... but also i should’ve taken the mixed signals as a no, but i wanted to believe it so bad, and it was confusing when they said they want to make out with me more. i thought i was in... oh well... it happens... it just sucks to be rejected. i always feel like the people i want the most never want me, or like the hottest people, cuz i didn’t really like them deeply just mostly sexually. it just sucked because they were giving me every thing k**** wasn’t. being lovey and affectionate towards me.... and we never fucked but they were very open about being a top and wanting to dom and so i was like *tongue out emoji* 

bleh... i just have been missing being dominated lately... i mean i fuckin had a dream about s***** topping me... askvask it was good in the dream....but there is something depressing about k***** having like zero daddy energy. like i really didn’t realize this was gonna happen... like i was str8 up gooped when they casually texted me saying they don’t fuck... i was like wait what?? i felt played that they waited months of us talking and emailing to say that. And I stuck by them cuz I had already formed an emotional bond-- but i’m realizing the tricky part about this is that like having to wait to have sex with someone,, like I never knew if we would be a sexual match and honestly neither did they but it wasn’t a deal breaker for them.. i just feel bad to like help them come out of their shell and feel autonomy with having sex for the first time and shit and for me to be like well you aren’t my type sexually. but it is the truth. they aren’t my type sexually. like the other day i mentioned wanting to be dommed and they were like i dont do that... and i was like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... i need to be more upfront and say im looking for a top/dom/daddy, or someone who switches and is down to play that way some of the time. cuz this none of the time shit stank. 

I mean, they look hot, don’t get me wrong. they look so good in their little body suits and they really make me wanna top them, but its like they have no confidence in being a bottom too. I feel like that’s why this shit really stank. at first they was like yeah i’ll touch you but dont touch me. But also I am not into being a top/dom. but also you can’t touch me so this is all you can get. Me, unenthusiastically rubbing you off. but now that they do let me touch them, it’s like i want the whole bottom experience. like shake ur tiny ass for me baby. run ur hands up and down ur bottom. show me how far you can stretch ur leg. I want a sloppy slutty bottom. I want them to shake their ass on my d and bend over for me. Tell me how good it feels. I want our sex to be so hot we can’t keep our hands off each other. We have phone sex and send voice memos because we just need to hear each other cum. I want them to want to ride my d. 

I feel this way every 2 months or so... idk what to do about it. I don’t want to break up with them and be alone. I do want to be having sex with someone else... I just dont have any prospects. 

lets hypothetically think about the idea of bringing up to them that I want to fuck other people. lets say we have that talk and they are okay with it. My worry is if i meet someone nice who fucks me good i will just leave k****. 

i just miss being topped and I dont think I will ever be sexually satisfied in the relationship I’m in and it’s just unfortunate because I was very patient with them and waiting like 8 months before I could even touch them and they seemed comfortable having sex with me and it’s like, waiting that long i was never sure if we were sexually compatible and we just aren’t. And i understand they mostly have been with asexual people and it hasn’t been an issue but i think this wouldn’t have happened if in the beginning we had a conversation about sex to see if we are sexually compatible. 

[crimewizards]

im feeling weird. my little sibling has been seeing a gender therapist and wants to be called elliot and be referred to as my brother and its just

weird

like, i saw this coming, and was sort of expecting a name change somewhere along the line, and if he asks in time he might be able to get puberty blockers or something, but i still feel odd. maybe its because this is someone ive known my whole life?? like, ive watched this kid grow up. im responsible for like, most of this kids mannerisms. its something weve discussed here and there, with both his gender and my own, and it didnt feel this way when a school friend transitioned. again, maybe its because this is a person ive known for 13 years (his whole life) instead of three or four (school friend)

its gonna take some getting used to, yeah, and its probably good that hes doing this now, since the school years about to start up, so everyone can get used to it.

while i was away, i was talking about my sibling (brother?) with a friend, and referred to him as “they” and he (the friend) stopped me and just asked “(name) is a they?” and i didnt really know what to answer. i said something along the lines of “its something were trying” but felt embarrassed for some reason, because he (bro) has been going by “he” in our house for a few weeks now.

like immediately my mind went to “what nickname can i give him” because im so used to a one or two syllable nickname and he said “eli” would be a good one, but i feel like the harsh “ee” in “eli” doesnt fit the “eh” sound in elliot. i was thinking about “ell” or something like that, and momentarily toyed with the idea of “lio” just to see how hed react. i havent gotten a chance to employ this, he dropped the bomb on us (see: me (i was the only one who didnt know)) about twenty minutes ago.

i dont even know what spelling of elliot he wants to use but im like relatively sure it comes from billy elliot, which he recently saw at the theater company i worked with this summer.

when i found out that my school friend was a trans guy, wanted to go by ‘he’ instead of ‘they’ (previously genderfluid) about a year ago, i found out through tumblr and i didnt know why he didnt tell me through a text or something. i asked him about it when the school year started, and weve all gotten used to it at this point. hed already been going by his chosen name for a good 8 months by that point, so that was no hard switch.

weve been calling my bro a more masculine version of his given name for a while now, so this is going to be a strange transition (ha) phase for us. and he fully understands if we slip up and hes totally okay with it, he knows that everyone makes mistakes and its all generally okay, but were going to our uncles wedding next week so were trying out the name and seeing how he likes it or if he wants to go by something else or just permanently go by the short masc version of his given name.

so, yeah. thats whats going on now i guess. i know im going to have to bring it up with my therapist the next time i see her, but that wont be for a little while bc were (again) going to my uncles wedding (in colorado) and i wont be able to go to my usual appointment. by the time we get back, itll probably have just been after the first day of school, so im going to have a lot to unpack by that point, and im not sure that ill remember by then. i may have gotten used to it in two weeks. i dont want to go to colorado, i just got home from scotland, i want to stay home.

ive been stressed lately and fighting down some sort of meltdown for a few days now. mentioned to my therapist that i unhealthily fought it down on friday and brushed off when friends asked if i was okay over dinner, bc i didnt know how to answer. we had just seen a show at that point about mental health with a character who constantly said “im fine” when she wasnt and im worried that theyll think that im emulating her instead of the first character whos depressed and has mad agoraphobia and anxiety. like, see me as him, not as the girl who has full on meltdowns in public (oh wait)   so theres all that. im worried im going snap at friends when the school year starts. im worried im going to lose people again. i havent finished my summer reading, kids are going to be looking up to me, im going to start applying for colleges and havent really written an essay yet. i dont know if im ready to go back to school, but at the same time i am, because i need structure in my life to function properly. itll be good for me.

this summer has been really good, actually. ive got my name on a real, actual program as the real actual costume designer, i finished editing my music video today, i went and performed in the edinburgh fringe festival with people i love, some whom ive known for five years, my uncles getting married, and his fiancee is one of the coolest people ive met. shes a total hippie/witch, bought me black candles, and we welcomed her into the family really quickly. shes going to be a great addition. 

theres still a lot of important conversations that i need to have, but im relatively happy with where i am. and ive been like?? rationalizing with mental health in an okay way. i thought id have one of those convos last week and didnt, but things were still moving forward. i feel like this is the happy point in the post, so i cant get super dramatic and say i want to die and have been telling myself i cant yet because ive got shit to do first. i dont have a plan, dont worry, its just one of those invasive thoughts that i push away and that only come out when im really stressed or being super dramatic. lmao looks like i got dramatic anyway.

this post was supposed to end four paragraphs ago. i know there are people looking out for me. im looking out for them too. its going to be okay, things are just changing. im just having a little trouble with that, i guess.

kudos if youve made it this far. i know its a lot of rambling, but i needed to get my thoughts down. if youve read this and you know me irl/have my number/go to school with me, dont contact me about this. im shouting into the void, essentially.

thats all from me. catch ya later

[huhnerkopf]

I have an appointment for a new bottle of t next week im excited yall im 4 months on and pretty happy with my progress, excited for more to come. Im pretty happy with my voice so far, i keep getting worried that its gonna somehow get TOO MASC but then i record myself and its still not quite masculine enough so i dont think im gonna have a problem there. Its still changing a bit and i cant sing at all, but the spot my voice cracks in has gotten higher and higher the past week so i can no longer do a stunning taako impression like i could literally 2 weeks ago. Ive already noticed a small change in body hair, theres more on my legs and stomach but the thin wispy preemptive shit. Not sure if my facial hair has changed to get more peach fuzz yet or if im just paying more attention to it. Dont really need a razor yet because its blond and i can get away with it but i will probably need a shaving kit before halloween. But theres hair growing on the underside of my knee and its very uncomfortable. I knew i was gonna be a hairy boy but im kinda getting nervous about the hair. Not because its gross but because it WILL need to be managed which costs money and time to groom and i guess i hadnt really thought of that until recently. On the flip side, i thought bottom growth was really gonna freak me out and was making me anxious for like a month, but it hasnt really caused any anguish at all and im so fuckin relieved. Im ready for redistribution of fat, because my thighs and butt are actually the most dysphoric thing for me after voice, but that doesnt really happen till after 6 months. Ive gained like 10 lbs, probably should go to the gym but apparently i have to pay a membership fee any time im not enrolled in classes so that cant happen till july. I have an uncomfortable amount of extra discharge that will NOT go away and its getting more and more unbearable but im 90% sure its not a prolonged infection and i dunno why its happening so thats the only reason i have like, an actual appointment with my nurse. I may go ahead and let her get the gyno shit out of the way, im comfortable with my body, i turn 21 in less than 2 months, and ive never had sex and dont plan on it so like.. why not.. And my roommates just had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago which is awesome but has also made me actually think about it. Im pretty ambivalent towards my breasts, i would almost certainly hate them if they were any bigger. But they're just kinda there and dont bug me beyond making me put on a binder. Binding doesnt hurt and isnt even noticable to me, its just kinda inconvenient. But even if money wasn't a thing im not sure id get it done. Because in situations where im nude and comfortable i kinda like them. Idk i cant really justify why i like them, but i cant really justify why i hate my voice or butt or anything else im actually dysphoric about. Now, i DO hope i go down in size a little bit. I think im in a weird limbo between an A and a B cup. It would be awesome if i didnt actually have to bind all the time. Like if i could convince myself that i can pass with just a shirt on thatd be the optimal situation. In general i just... Feel so much better. Calmer. More stable. Less stressed. Im not really feeling dysphoric in public anymore i actually am feeling straight up euphoric. This was such a good decision and even my mom is beginning to see that. But at the same time.. im worried... Im genderqueer. Im not a binary transition. Im not nervous ill hate myself, because im pretty solidly comfortable with all the permanent changes and can control my dose for the secondary changes. Im worried that once im comfortable and have the resources that i wont be able to express my actual gender identity. Like im just worried it wont work. I love masculine clothes and i love feminine mens clothes. They are different moods. Sometimes i feel like suave dress attire, sometimes im feeling rugged and Sharp, others i feel like a soft pastel demiboy. Sometimes i wanna go out looking like a winchester in the morning and then by dinner i consider the pros and cons of makeup after going to target and noticing the girls section can actually be very cute when i know i dont HAVE to wear it. Like i just really want to make it clear that the past 6 years of my life ive owned very few outfits i actually like. Super clear. Jeans and a tee are classic, they worked all throughout high school and middle school and they're working for now. But im worried that a year from now i still wont have to body to make anything work. Like all the damn clothes are massive on me. And my waist has changed sizes like 6 times in 3 years. Im worried that t wont help that. Or im worried that ill get too masculine to pull off soft moods or ill remain too feminine to make any of it work in a way that screams "i am 100% queer and also definately a guy." Which is hard as hell to nail and i wrote a A+ term paper last semester on why thats so hard to get. One thing is for sure though, i will never regret starting t. Ever. It could be my cause of death and i will probably still think its all been worth it.

[honexjams]

(this is long idc if u atchully read it i just kinda wanted to write it all out for my own self cos im in the shower rn and u know how that is, death spiral of existsntial dread if i dont get this out constructively.)

i was afab but fully saw myself as a boy from like birth so as a lil kid i just assumed i would like girls & to everyone else that meant lesbian so that was ID #1 when i was like 7 years old which was also around when i first remember feeling physical gender dysphoria so that prolly had sumn to do w me wanting to let people know i liked girls ya know. didnt have a super clear understanding of gender roles cos i was, 7, and trans lol. liking girls was a boy thing to me then so i went with it.

then at 11 i learned the words for being trans and was like 'yup' immediately so bam theres the boy part. when i came out to my mom like a week or so later she deadass just gaslit tf outta me and i went into a denial period for like almost a year thEn questioned if maybe i was just nonbinary cos i knew i wasnt a girl. that only lasted a bit before i was like hnnng nah im Just a dude. (i was still terrified of coming out due to ya know the mom & now that she knew i was having Trans Delusions she kept me from getting my hair cut and shopping in the mens section n shit it sucked).

then around 13 p-p-p-puberty happened and i started crushing on boys which freaked me out cos i already had dealt with Lesbophobia (as a guy that type of shit didnt hit the same i know that but it was still ostracization and bullying and not fun lmao) so having to 'un-come out' was weird & i didnt want to sacrifice the one thing that made people see me as more masc on an identity level (ik thats not how shit works but thats what i was clingin to) so i kept up that i just liked girls then just cos that felt like lying i went with bi. now i never had a 'i want to date you' crush on a girl like i had on guys, i just thought they were pretty ya know, so to maintain Bi-ness i kind of capped all attraction i had to guys at that 'i just think theyre pretty' level. i wasnt concious that i was doing this at that point but hindsight is 20/20.

anyway by around age 15 i was experiencing my first episodes of dissociation (long term untreated dysphoria can do that turns out yikes i had a Lot of Rage towards my parents at like All Times for a few months when i learned that thats what caused it oof) and confused the feeling of not having a body with the feeling of not having dysphoria because dysphoria was at the forefront of how i felt about my body. I took on the label of genderfluid for a bit because i percieved this as shifting between feeling male & agender. after a few months or sumn it just stopped feeling right so i just dropped it as lowkey as i held it.

at 16 i finally started coming out as trans and i think sumn about the dissonance between an accepting school life (started going to an art school, lotta queerz & people were super chill) and a transphobic homelife made the dissociation very much way a lot worse. so that, the dysphoria, and generally not allowing myself to be attracted to the gender i was naturally attracted to lead me to not be interested people romantically or sexually, so by age 17 i was like.... why havent i been attracted to anyone all this time hm guess im aroace. then Recently like in the past month? or two? i just caught a crush really hard and was like... i need to confront this and finally just said i was gay.

a few months ago i also got diagnosed with PCOS which is considered by some to be an intersex condition, specifically one where Estrogen Dominant People With Uteruses have a lil too much testosterone which makes me laff cos even my body is like come on this kids trans.

anyway im 18 now and i think im processing that im gay pretty well and i should be going on T next month if all goes alright. long story short life is weird and it gets better.

cant believe ive really identified as male female nonbinary and genderfluid, also as gay lesbian bi pan and aroace, and also have an intersex condition. the whole fucking acronym wow we stan

[paradoxnbstuff]

okay so i need to talk about this for a minute

because usually i can find some shit about this on youtube or a transition blog somewhere but i cant for some reason this time? and its one of those difficult things to think about that I’ve been putting off for like years. so. anyways. top surgery stuff.

so first of all I have this habit of mine that’s taken a while and lot of shit to notice. it was probably a left over from growing up with my abusive dad and trying to survive that. but basically I’m very good at putting something aside in my head and so thoroughly convincing myself it’s not something that’s bugging me (subconsciously) that when it comes time to actually think about it I legitimately cannot tell how I feel about it. I’m talking about sitting and thinking about it for hours, plus research, and actively taking stock of my reactions as they happen to try to just. logically deduce what’s actually going on in my brain based on physical symptoms of emotional reactions I can’t actually feel. and obviously anyone can see how that would be incredibly useful in a situation like my parents where I had no choice in the matter for 18 years, and i could either constantly wallow in misery and agony and hurt and stress and confusion and terror at just living in my house 24/7, or i could section it off. and create like. a new baseline for myself. ex my baseline became that state and then went up or down based on negative or ‘positive’ things that happened from that baseline. looking at it objectively it was all obviously still horrible and stressful and traumatizing but i wouldn’t have been able to get through it if I was consciously aware of that the whole time. So that’s where that developed.

But weird backstory aside this has carried over to certain things in my life on my own since I moved out too. It’s why it took me so long to figure out gender shit and why I still haven’t figured out my sexuality even though I don’t lack the vocabulary or even really experience to. it’s affected my relationships with people, but I’ve been practically religious about trying to make sure I identify it when it happens and dedicating a lot of time and thought to unraveling whatever’s going on and stopping it, because fuck that I refuse to let it mess with the people I care about. There’s certain markers but it’s not like most things where you experience negative emotions and there’s a natural pathway from point a to point b. the markers are me having to stop and look at the past few months or longer and pick out patterns of times when i acted illogically in similar way, and cross ref it to see if it came with a feeling of abstractness where i couldn’t identify what emotions i was feeling. but like. its like trying to identify nothing. anger or happiness or w/e is easy like hey im feeling that but trying to notice when you’re feeling nothing or something unquantifiable? much fucking harder. and the trigger for me to start wondering if something is going on is when it starts to impact my quality of life negatively in some way. so. a really fucking stupidly difficult logical approach to untangle some very complicated emotions. which is sadly necessary.

so that’s the method I use to realize when this is happening. hasn’t really gotten any easier but i can do it i guess. and this is what’s happening now with me and top surgery? it happened with the decision to start testosterone, (’but im happy with how i look and sound!’ god no ur not u fucking disaster ur brain just didn’t want you to be miserable 24/7 and tricked you into thinking u were) and i think it’s the same thing with this. but i don’t. know??? for sure???? so I’m having to figure out this incredibly difficult and emotional decision with only purely factual patterns to go on and my emotions, which im not sure are fake or not, plaguing me every step of the way. so im just gonna fucking write em down and hope it helps.

fact 1: i never wear a bra. ever. it’s always either a binder or binder-adjacent like a sports bra. it’s been like that for 3 ish years now and it’s not stopping any time soon. i’m violently uncomfortable wearing a bra. 

fact 2: i dont like touching my chest or nipples. (tmi ish warning w/e) when I’m having sexual relations with another person im again, violently uncomfortable with the other person touching my chest. i will repeatedly redirect or say no if they start to with absolutely no doubt about it.

fact 3: i don’t like wearing tight clothing if i can’t bind. when I go to the gym and work out I wear a sports bra and wearing tshirts that show that fuckin. again feel nearly ill.

fact 4: i don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror? like. I have/had a lot of dysphoria about my body, specifically my hips and the kinda hourglass dip in between ribs and hips and the way e gives fat distribution around the upper hips around the waist and thighs and butt. that’s mostly gone now due to a combination of T and working out, but I still don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror. that’s possibly because I’m literally like 3/4 of an A cup at max but. yknow. this is also one of those things that is COMPLETELY based on feelings. and it feels suspiciously like when I’m trying to gauge my reaction and get ‘yeah I feel neutral about this actually’ but is really just very skillful repression. and I can’t tell. so. that’s great. it is a subjective fact, as opposed to the previous 3. 

fact 5: if i stretch my arms up it looks like i have a flat chest (bc i i have like no boobs to begin with) and the reaction I get to that is a definite. reaction. it’s an adrenaline based one. but another issue i’m working on is i can’t tell the difference between happy excited adrenaline and panic adrenaline and therefore when i feel happy excited about something i start fear panicking instead and it sucks but yknow. so I get an adrenaline thrill. that I can’t identify as fear or excitement. so that’s. there? fuck

fact 6: i’m not male. I figured that out a long time ago but it’s become important again recently that I am n o t a trans man. I’m solidly nonbinary. T was and is the right decision for me. So is building muscle. So is my decision now to grow out my hair again. So is my clothing that is decidedly not masculine fairly often and my makeup (that can be either to help with the masc or just to make me feel hot, or feminine sometimes). But this is something that’s....like. It would make me look a lot more masculine. like a lot. like it would be looking in the mirror and seeing that (without the big scars you see a lot underneath, i wouldn’t have that) and I don’t know if that’s something I want. but at the same time, that’s what I want to look like in clothes. I don’t fucking know.

fact 7: i know there’s probably some underlying fear in there of like societally ingrained disgust for non-cis bodies. and I know for a fact I’m attractive as a feminine person. and doing this means that I’m committing myself to a permanent non-cis state. I’m in no way saying there’s anything actually wrong with that, I’m saying that I know there’s things in the way I’ve been raised that inherently shy away from that still. It’s not something I want and it’s something I have to deal with but it probably is playing a part in my fear in this.

fact 8: currently, my main reason for tentatively starting the application process is my health. I love being active and healthy and exercising and I know that binding long term hurts your ribs and lungs, and I also know that I’m not going to stop binding any time soon if I don’t have top surgery. And getting it just for health reasons is a perfectly valid reason to do it. And if I am actually neutral about my chest and not just tricking myself? I’m totally happy with this being the deciding factor.  

anyways. yeah. the problem with dismantling a mental block you’ve set up for yourself is it involves actively unlocking self hatred and pain that you can’t put back in the box once you’ve opened it until it’s dealt with. so there isn’t a ton of incentive to. ngl it didn’t happen with testosterone fully until after I’d been on it for a few months and realized how fucking desperately I needed this to be happening. but I don’t think that’s how I want it to go with top surgery. I want to know before I go through with it what I’m feeling and what I want. and it is. VERY fucking difficult. god. yeah. anyways. that’s where I’m at. thanks for coming to my ted talk.