the thing about some men is that they want you to remember, at all times, that you are underneath them. that with one word or look or "joke", you will stay beneath them. that even "exceptions" to the rule are not true exceptions - the commonly cited statistic that one in eight men believe they could win against serena williams.
women's gymnastics is often not seen as real gymnastics. whatever the fuck non-euclidian horrors rhythmic gymnasts are capable of, it's often tamped down as being not a sport. some of the most dominant athletes in the world are women. nobody watches women's soccer. despite years of dancing and being built like a fucking brick, men always assume they're faster and stronger than i am. you wouldn't like what happens when they are incorrect. once while drunk at a guy's house i won a held-plank challenge by a solid minute. the party was over after that - he became exceedingly violent.
what i mean is that you can be perfect, and they still think you're ... lacking, somehow. i hope you understand i'm trying to express a neutral statement when i say: taylor swift was the possibly the most patriarchy-palatable, straight-down-the-line woman we could churn out. she is white, conventionally attractive, usually pretty mild in personality. say what you will about her (and you should, she's a billionaire, she can handle it), but a few things seem to be true about her: 1. she can write a damn catchy song, and 2. the eras tour truly was a massive commercial success and was also genuinely an impressive feat of human athleticism and performance.
i don't know if she deserves the title of "woman of the year," i'm not debating that in this post. what i am saying is that she was named Woman of The Year, and then an untalented man got onstage at the golden globes and made fun of her for attending her boyfriend's football games. what i am saying is that this woman altered local economies - and her dating life is still being made into a "harmless" punchline. the camera panned, greedy, over to her downing a full glass of champagne. congratulations taylor! you are woman of the year! but you are a woman. even her.
fuck, man. write better material.
a guy gets onstage at a college graduation and despite the fact like half the crowd is made up of women, he spends a significant proportion of it warning these people - who spent possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars on their education - that they were lied to. that the "real" meaning of femininity is motherhood. that they shouldn't rest on the laurels of that education-they-paid-for but instead throw it away to kneel at a man's heel. imagine that. sweating in your godawful polyester gown (that you also had to pay for!), fresh out of 4 years of pushing yourself ever-harder: and some guy you've never met - who knows nothing about you - he reminds you this "win" is a pyrrhic one at best. you really shouldn't consider yourself that extraordinary. you're still a woman, even after years of study.
god forbid you are not a pretty woman, but if you are pretty, you must be dumb. god forbid you are not ablebodied or white or cis or straight or good at swallowing. you must be beneath a man, or else they are not a man. the equation for masculinity seems to just be: that which is not a woman or womanly (god forbid). anything "feminine" is thereby anathema. to engage in "feminine" things such as therapy, getting a hug from a friend, or crying - it is giving up ones manhood. therefore women need to be put in their place to ensure that masculinity is protected.
this is something i have struggled to explain to terfs - they are not doing the work of feminism, but rather the patriarchy. by asserting that women and men must be (on some secret level) oppositional and in conflict, they also assume that being a woman is akin to being another species. but bigotry does not stem from observational truths or clarity - that is what makes it bigotry. there was nothing in my childhood that made me fundamentally different from my brother. we are treated differently nonetheless. to assert there is some biological drive that enforces my gender role is to assert that women have a gendered role. men do not see women as equal to them not because of biological reality - but instead because the core tenant of the patriarchy is that women aren't full, realized people.
we are told from a very young age to excuse misbehavior as a single man's choice - not all men. it is not all men, just that one guy. all women are gold-digging bitches who belong in the kitchen - but if a man is mean, bigoted, or violent to you, it's just that particular guy, and that means nothing about men-as-a-whole. it is only one guy who got mad when you gently rejected him. it is only one guy who warns her this trophy is heavy, are you sure you can hold it? it is only one guy who smashes her face into the cake. it is only one guy talking into a mic about hating our bodily autonomy.
i have just found that they often wait until the moment we actually seem to be upstaging them. you sit in a meeting where you're presenting your own findings and he says get me a coffee? or you run to the end of the marathon and are about to finish first and he pushes your kids out in front of you. you win the chess game and they make some comment akin to well, you're ugly away. we can be the billionaire and get the dream life and finally fucking do it and yet! still! they have this strange, visceral urge to say well actually, if you think you're so great -
it's not one just one guy. it's one in eight.
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WhAT A WHIRLWIND FEW WEEKS
okay let me see if i can try and condense to the highlights, LOL
1. went to london and paris and it was fucking amazing. i needed a vacation SO bad and it was so great to travel for the first time since pre-covid. i got to have lots of amazing conversations with my aunt, and see my granddad, and wander around taking photos and doing whatever i wanted. i ate well, i got a new tattoo, i indulged myself and my joy, and celebrated my life and my independence, and all of the growth i’ve done in the past year.
2. i also met a guy and we are going on a date tuesday! it’s my first in a LONG time, and i’m excited and nervous. i like that he has accepted me for who i am and where i’m at so far, is a little bit weird, and also seems just as nervous and out of practice as i am.
3. i did a ton of writing on the plane and am feeling for the first time in a while like i have direction in life. i know what i want out of the next ten years. i want to write this story, and learn to tattoo, and think about moving somewhere new and crazy and interesting (maybe paris!)
anyways. very thrilled to be turning 30 this week. i think it is going to be one of my best years so far.
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Eddie finally lets Jeff talk him into going on this blind date. It's not like he's against dating, he just doesn't expect fireworks from an hour of small talk over an overpriced dinner, y'know? Jeff swore by this guy, though, assuring Eddie that they would hit it off, but Eddie will never know because the guy doesn't show.
That's right, he gets stood up, Jeff texts him a string of apologies saying the guy chickened out. So Eddie’s just sitting there alone, trying not to sulk when the waitress asks if he's still waiting to order. Fuck it, he refuses to be the most miserable person in the restaurant, looking around to find someone equally as pathetic, and lo and behold:
Three tables away, there's a guy getting dumped.
Eddie eavesdrops because he has nothing better to do. It’s a pretty standard breakup. Sounds like they haven't been together long and things fizzled out. Neither of them seem to be invested enough to try and salvage it.
"Aren't you gonna say anything, Steve?"
No, Steve isn't. He just sits there while his former boyfriend leaves, doesn't try to stop him at all. Not in a hardened douchebag way, but in a dejected 'why do I even bother' way that Eddie knows all about.
And well, Eddie might be a cynic but his curiosity isn't dead. This Steve is far too pretty to be getting dumped in a seafood place and Eddie has to know what the deal is. It leads him right over to Steve's table. He looks up at Eddie, not quite dead behind the eyes yet, but maybe a little lonely. Just needs a spark.
"Alright well, something tells me that a stranger bugging you won't be the worst thing to happen to you tonight, so I'm just gonna take this empty seat and maybe we can help each other figure out why we're both alone on a Friday night. What do you say?"
Steve blinks, a little taken back at first, then he matches the nonchalance that Eddie's so good at faking with a smirk and a shrug, "Depends. Do you have all night?"
Turns out, Jeff was right about one thing, Eddie does hit it off with someone and it doesn't take all night. They leave the restaurant together, spend hours just walking the town and even breaking into a park after hours. It's the most fun Eddie's had in a while, and even though he doesn't get a goodnight kiss just yet, he gets a second date, which is even better.
He walks home with a skip in his step and a fire in his belly that he hasn't felt in years. He never thought he'd be so glad to get stood up before.
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