#like I'm not *dissatisfied* with my therapist

[d1anna]

was pacing around talking to myself after studying and litrally had to admit to myself that i'm depressed and have been for like..... ever

[grapeskeeto]

"why didn't my friend group drop my ex after I told them how awful it was to be with him?" because he told us how awful it was to be with you.

[beesmygod]

today is webcomics day. i am bea and i make "A Ghost Story" - part 3: sketch 1

ed note from the future: this got long. its going mostly under a readmore for everyone's sake. and i didnt even finish sketching, just trying to explain what is going through my mind while trying to sketch. look, if i write down my process in exhausting detail people will realize im completely insane. this is a net benefit to anyone trying to interact with me in the future who thinks i can be reasoned with. community service. thank you for allowing me to post this shit lol

hmmm. giving up on the first few panels for right now. here's what i'm thinking about as i sketch this:

too many of my panels were talking heads or constantly relied on one point perspective. i have been trying to work against this for a while with mixed results. sometimes the result is so bad i have to scrap what i did and start over but sometimes it's "good enough for TV"* and i hit publish on it. no risks, no reward after all. can't get better if you don't try.

in this first panel, i have two people having a back and forth conversation through a weird magic hole in the floor/wall. maxine is laying on a couch with hole right above her head. homestar runner will demonstrate what i mean:

however, there are logistical problems with maxine that homestar runner doesnt have. maxine's right shoulder is dislocated, so she can't lay on that side, or any side that would put pressure on the joint. im realizing i don't actually know what position would be most comfortable in her situation or how she would instinctually arrange her body to avoid pain. i start looking up videos from physical therapists on how they recommend patients sleep for some ideas.

also i start looking up what women look like sleeping on couches. how does the human body fold up. because this isn't it.

anyway, this was my first effort with the first panels.

for reference, the last page ends like this:

the top left of the sketch would have been the hopi clown back on the shelf with the "camera" tilting above it to reveal maxine. while this keeps the relevant object from the previous page in frame as a piece of connective tissue between updates....i'm struggling to fit the second character in. the one talking from the hole. maybe there's still hope for this? it's not terrible. initially i nuked it but maybe i can make this work.

fuck! she needs a pillow or two to make this work. this video is right, that DOES look naturally comfortable compared to the standard fetal position that would pull the affected shoulder inward. i didn't draw any pillows into the stupid establishing shot of the office bc its not the kind of couch you are expected to sleep on!!! this is a man's business office!!! i thought i was so smart!!

basically every couch comes with decorative pillows though, and the shot of the room didn't include the wall the "camera" was up against. my 2-point perspective failure might have paid off here lol. if i can establish that the second character is talking through the hole, he can use his rayman hands to reach across the room and get the pillow for her. it can be part of his personal campaign to show maxine he means her no immediate harm. the pillows were just out of frame. lurking. ok let's try it again. uhhhh after i eat some lunch

---

*my friend kelly had an anecdote from working in animation that im going to retell badly from memory. her boss would take the work she labored over to meet by deadline and would laugh at it, saying "ah, its terrible! but good enough for TV". and while extremely mean, he had a salient point: it never has to be perfect. it just needs to be good enough to be seen. sometimes i seriously think about this anecdote when im dissatisfied with my own art. it's bad. but it's good enough for tv.

[septusuki]

"Opening in five," every compartment opening gets a countdown. A full on announcement, as if it were about to be celebrated. The mech itself is turned off, fully inert, and folded in on itself, but there's still one last problem. "Four." The pilot herself. Incensed with combat stims, and alight with hormones, there's no telling what she'll do once the cockpit peels itself open. Perhaps she'll be frothing at the mouth, violent and furious. "Three." Perhaps she'll be glassy-eyed, screaming and despondent. Perhaps she'll be soaking, sweating and horny. Any choice is as bad as the other — especially for the poor sod who has to deal with it. "Two." The little entourage around the cockpit level their stun-guns, ready to protect the pilot from herself, as soon as she emerges. Something's going to happen, either way; the bodyguards are sure of it. "One."

The key is pressed, and the port goes silent, save for the hissing, clicking hydraulics of the Abbaciss apparatus. Slowly, but surely, the cockpit careens open until one of it's sharper edges clinks against the floor plating politely. Nothing. There is no pilot for a moment. No frenzy of arms, no stink of fluids. The bodyguards lower their weapons, sorely disappointed. One of them is kicked forwards by their compatriots — go check it out. Almost tumbling, Janna stabilizes herself with a hand to the heated hull of the killing machine she's supposed to be guarding. "H-Hello?" She murmurs, lowering her head so she can look up the gloryhole of the much-adorned mecha.

I slither out. Like a sack of sopping meat-hunks, I'm fed onto the floor, feet-first. I lay there, spat out from my sacred safe-space, and onto this chilly, pristine-clean surface. "Uh." I make some kind of noise, as is protocol, to let everyone know that I'm out safely. I'm a pile of bodysuit-plastic leather and lithe skin, but I'm out. Safely.

"U... Uh?" Janna tries to repeat the noise I've made, staring down at the glimmering mess beneath her. I'm soaked with sweat, as is expected, and covered in input bruises. "Abbaciss, are you... Okay?" Realizing that she's not allowed to ask that yet, Janna's spine straightens as she switches into professional mode. "Senior Abaciss, please confirm your condition." She barks out, her eyes no longer looking down at me. The stun guns are gone at least; completely lowered once the bodyguards are assured that I'm not threat.

My modulator clicks into the ON position as I prepare my throttled vocal chords for the stress of speech. "Dees-app-pointed." I grunt, the mechanics doing all the work, as I can barely bring myself to even speak properly. "Dees-at-iss-fied." My mouth is open, but making no real effort to do much at all. I beep through my words, hooking my arms under my thighs and wrenching them in close.

Janna looks to her squad for any kind of answer, and then swings back, rolling her eyes. Dissatisfied. That's a long word, for a doll. "Abbaciss..." She begins, breaking protocol once again, just to reach down and pat the little pilot on the head. There's no reaction. "What's wrong? You completed the mission, all fine. All's green." Just realizing she's volunteered to be a military therapist for a downtrodden doll, Janna just facepalms, and sits down. She might be here for a moment.

"Didn't kill eh-nuff." I murmur, my eyes watching as Janna's face drops down to my level. "Not eff-fish-ently eh-nuff." I squawk, revelling in my own depression. I want to tear this bodysuit off. I want to get back in the shell-frame, and march back out to the killing pastures. I want to sink my nails into something that'll scream. My own body would do.

"But... It was a scout mission, Abbaciss. You didn't need to kill anyone." Janna's head cocks, full of the puppy-energy she was made to put out. "If anything, it's better that you didn't make a mess." She pats me again, rubbing away at my perfectly-shaped hips and trying not to finger or fiddle with any of my tech-inports.

"Should have done more." I respond instantly, as if I have a routine script for this messy kind of conversation. Perhaps I've already run through it a billion times in my computational core. "Much more. Empire isn't safe if I don't kill." My voice lowers, so only Janna can hear. "Forward base isn't safe." Swallowing my dignity, my real voice manages to come out, this time. "Home isn't safe. Friends aren't safe." My body shakes and wracks itself with disappointment as I remind myself just how grievous the imagined failure I've committed is.

"Fuck..." False alarm. Janna can't help but laugh a bit. Her hand rubs my shoulder, and then finds the control handle I have attached to the base of my neck. "You're fucking cute." She's inches from bursting with affection. Fastening her fingers around my control handle, she drags my corpse in close and — and hugs me. "Look. I've got some spare rationmarks. How about some ice cream, Abbaciss?" Trying to straighten her mouth as it does backflips, and twists in loops across her face, Janna quickly finds there's no helping her. She's been bowled over by my accidental display of adoration. There's only one thing she can do; with her right hand lifted up in the one moment, please hardcode, she uses her left arm to bring me in closer, and squeeze me until I make a little peep of satisfaction.

[weebnotheree]

♡𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑠𝑡 𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑒♡ || 𝐓𝐨𝐦 𝐋𝐮𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐫 𝐱 𝐌!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

Blood Moon Ball

________________________

Tomco moments (CASTOR IS M/N!!) m/n(castor) has golden eyes sometimes, well, born with them, but naturally supposed to have blue eyes.

[Scene 1*s1 ep 8*]

The ground shook as a burst of flames erupted from the ground. There stood a carriage and its horse. ¨Hey, that's a handicap spot,¨ a guy who was laying down, now sitting up, said before playing a few notes on his keytar.

A person stepped out of the carriage, walking with steps of fire into the school. He got stares. Some whispered, and some gawked. He finally reached his destination. Walking straight into the classroom stopping in front of a goth girl who was surprised by his sudden appearance. She was soon lifted along with her desk into the air by fire(which didn't harm her). He floated into the air toward Castor and Star who sat beside each other. Well, the siblings were surprised to see him IN THE MORTAL RELM! He took his shades off and tossed them aside. ¨Hey Castor, I'm here to take you[makes a crescent red moon with fire] to the Blood Moon Ball,¨ he announced with his arm stretched outward to him.

Being pushed outside with a fire trail behind as Castor repeated the word no. His sister followed behind. Star opened the door with her wand.¨You need to leave right now. Take your carriage,[hands him his book] and the fire, and dead horse and go back to the underworld,¨ Castor told him. The horse frowned as he looked at Castor ¨Wait, I'm dead?¨ the siblings put on dissatisfied neutral faces and started to head back to their classroom. But Tome grinned and pulled Castor back with his fire causing Star to stop ¨Tom! Put my brother down, right now.¨

[Aponi meaning Butterfly - since his last name is also Butterfly (^^;)]

¨Oh, come on Aponi. It's the Blood Moon Ball.[floats in the air holding Castor]It only happens once every 667 years¨ he said, dipping Castor. Castor has an instinct of teleporting when he feels like he needs to so he teleported next to Star. ¨We broke up, don't you remember? Or do I need to remind you?¨ ¨Period,¨ Star finished, pulling her brother along with her, and leaving.

¨Wait(x6)[grabs his hand]Castor, hang on. I'm a changed man ok. I've got a coach, Brian{¨Hey¨}he's awesome. A happy bunny and[shows pin] I have been anger free for 53 days,¨ he explained to him. Not gonna lie the siblings were astonished. ¨53?¨ both said at the same time. Tom grinned. ¨ Don't you wanna pet my bunny?¨

[Aponi meaning Butterfly - since their last name is butterfly (^^;)]

Star smiles at the bunny ¨Well, he is adorable,¨ she mentioned. Castor agreed as he was about to pet the bunny but Marco came up from behind them and karate-chopped Tom's hand off. ¨Hiya! Back off demon!¨ ¨Marco!¨ both of the twins exclaimed. Tom looked up evilly at Marco. His eyes lit bright red...¨Oh, no/Uh, oh...¨(both at the same time) Toms therapist went to him and grabbed his shoulders, walking him in a circle, saying ¨Walk it out and talk it out,¨ repeatedly as Tom's head and eyes didn't move from Marco's sight. ¨Marco...you'd better run,¨ Castor told him. ¨Yeah, Castor's right¨ star agreed. The two siblings started ushering Marco away in a different direction.

¨Oh, no(x8)*nervous laugh*That's..why i got my support system.¨ As saying so his hand was playing with the bunny. His hand floated back to his wrist. ¨I'm good. Got the angries out. Everything is [pets bunny fast] whoo, under control.¨ the bunny frizzed up. Both siblings could tell he was trying his best. But Castor could tell he was still mad, just faking it.

¨Marco, don't karate him. This is...Tom,¨ she told him sighing after. Marco's eyes widened a little ¨Demon ex-boyfriend Tom?¨ ¨Tom this is Marco(^^)¨ Castor said so kindly, too kindly. Tom hesitated. ¨Nice to uh meet you..Marco¨ he greeted as he shook his hand..(toms hand was still floating apart from his wrist) ¨Whaaat is he doing here?¨

Castor started answering Marco's question ¨Well he...um¨ (so she finishes it for him)¨-wants to take us to the Blood Moon Ball,¨ she muttered aloud. ¨Star, Castor, never go with a predator to a second location¨ he warned.

¨Look, I can see you're mad. You think I'm a total jerk, I get it. But I have changed,¨ he says looking at Castor before walking up to him as he grabbed his hands. ¨Remember[smiles] I'm not the only one with horns,¨ he mentioned, making the two siblings smile. The skeleton horse(on fire/with a frown) that was pulling the carriage interrupted

¨Why didn't you tell me I'm dead?¨ Marco got in front of the horse's view putting up his hands ready to karate chop Tom again. Tom put his hands up went up to the carriage and opened the door ¨Noo pressure. If you decide you guys are going, just toll this bell.¨ he handed Castor the bell, got in the carriage and it lit on fire. He slid his hand through the fire which created an opening. ¨Whoops[chuckles] almost forgot the little hammer. I hope I see you there¨ he says the last part specifically looking at Castor. After the carriage vanished both sibling frowned and their eyes sparkled.

At Marco's house. He wore a hat as he peered from a door. He squinted his eyes. ¨ You're making a big mistake you guys.¨ ¨Maybe, but it'll be fun,¨

¨Yeah, don't worry Marco¨ both siblings reassured him as went into the dressing room to change outfits.(They're comfortable changing next to each other bc they're siblings) Marco came in

¨Why don't you guys just stayy here where it's alwayys funn? Like [shrugs] guaranteed¨

¨Well, Castor wanted me to go with him. He was the one that was actually supposed to go. He said[mimics]If my sister can't come with me, then I'm not going.' And besides, this is a different kind of fun,¨ she says before pressing a button on the side of her mirror changing it into a dressing screen.

¨ Don't look, we're gonna change.¨

¨No peeking,¨ Castor throwing in a comment on purpose.(dw its not awkward for them-it happens on a regular basis, even ever since they were babies)

Marco put his Mexican hat in front of his face with a wee blush on his face. ¨Whatever. I just don't trust Tom. maybe I should go with you guys,¨ ¨Marco you weren't invited,¨ she informed him, giving Castor a hand gesture to help her with her dress.

¨Besides, you gotta trust us to do the right [gets magic device]thing for mySELLLF.¨ And vwella, her hair was done. ¨Aree you okay Star?¨

¨Yeeah, totally(x3). I just gotta stop using magic on um on my face.¨

Now, Castor..he thought it was ok but wanted to help out..just a little..right. Nah he did her whole outfit and everything...I guess.. He overdid it. But she still loved it. He has good taste you know. His whole fit was already done.

¨All I'm saying is guys like Tom, never change,¨he shakes his head as he sees Star's leg pointing outward to put on her thigh highs. He freaked out an looked away quickly.

¨Where, there's only one way for us to find out,¨ she said as they finished..or Castor helped her finish..then she slid the mirror changing screen over.

¨What do you think?/How do we look?¨ both say at the same time. It's a habit of theirs. Marco peeked from his hat to make sure the coast was clear to look.

(your fit and look and Stars)

¨You guys look..amazing,¨ he complimented.

¨Thanks, Marco. Castor helped me out with the look,¨ ¨Yeah, thanks, buddy¨

¨Don't gooo,¨ Marco whispered Star whispered back, and both siblings smiled. ¨We're totally goingg,¨ then Castor lifted the bell...and tolled it. [DONGGG]fire shot up from outside. A minotaur (?) with wings flew up to the balcony along with a bar with chains holding up a carriage with no wheels. It opens by itself and smoke clears out.

¨Hmm, smells like burnt toast,¨ she said walking towards it t get in. Castor followed. Marco watched them leave. ¨Let's get this show on the road!¨ she exclaimed, punching the roof of the carriage. ¨Which floor mortals?¨ the minotaur asked looking at them.

¨Um..I guess..the bottom,¨ she answers not sounding sure where they were supposed to go. Oh well, guess they'll figure it out huh? ¨HUH?![ready to get in]Let me just get in with you(UcU),¨ Marco obliged but Stars just shoved him out with her foot.

¨Goodbye Marco¨ they both smiled happily. Castor waved..but that soon turned into a grin after his sister starts a tactic to scare him ¨See you after the Blood Moon Ball~OoooOoo,¨ she says before the doors close themselves. The minotaur flew down as he vanished into the igniting fire.

You guys arrive at this big dance room and another bell rings. And there's Tom. He smiled at the two. ¨Castor and Star Butterfly, don't you guys clean up nice.¨

¨Uh...thank you. I guess,¨ Castor was so quiet..why is he being so quiet today?

¨Um..Castor, I got you this,¨Tom reached out to hand him a gift...a 'pet-looking' spider to be specific. It caught his attention.

¨Hm? What is it?¨ Castor asked taking it. ¨Its..a hair thing. It goes in your hair. It'll help you fit in down here,¨ he explained.

{Sometimes he calls star Pollux — Castor is a bright star in the constellation Gemini that, along with Pollux, is one of the two main guideposts for the asterism that is sometimes nicknamed "The Twins." At magnitude 1.58, Castor is the 20th brightest star in Earth's night sky}

¨That's nice of you but..can it also be used as a pet?¨ he asked. ¨Oh, yeah, you can do that too,¨ Tom responded so Castor just put it on his shoulder. He didn't wanna ruin his hair. If he would've known Tom was gonna get him something he would've worn it but...nah.

¨Oh, I also got you one Star,¨ Tom says to be generous but she kinda sorta didn't want it..so she dodged it as he was trying to put it on her head. How sweet Tom. But yeah I kinda got my own thing goin' on here. I'm pretty happy with it you know. Castor did it for me can I don't wanna ruin it. Remember how he gets when its accidentally messed up,¨ she explained.

¨Oh, yeah[nervous laugh]right. I forgot,¨

Castor -¨I do not!¨ carrot exclaimed...Tom and Star made a sort of smirk like you sure bout that look.

¨Hey, Tom where'd you put the spider you were about to give me?¨

¨Oh, it's right here,¨ Tom says as he was about to give it to her. ¨Tom, if you put that in her hair I won't forgive you.¨ his eyes were golden with an intense glare. Tom retreated the spide back¨On second thought your hair looks nice,¨

Castor walked past his sister and says ¨Sister don't test my patients¨ she sweatdropped with a nervous laugh, ¨Rigght.¨

¨Let's get going shall we,¨ Tom said to break the tension. So they started walking. ¨Yeah lets go have fun now!¨ Star said excitedly. Tom grunted in a mad-ish manner. His therapist came up with his bunny ¨You can be positive that your anger is negative¨

So back at the house, Marco was super lonely. He was bored..there was nothing to do, he was also eating some tortilla chips. Soon enough he looked at the toll the siblings had left behind. Thinking if he should go or not even though he was told not to.

Back with Tom, Castor, and Star, were in line for a picture. A monster with a red cloak is ready to take the picture of a lovely monster couple. ¨Smmilee¨ [click] and pink blood spatted on them. ¨Beautiffulll¨

Next up, the siblings and Tom. ¨I am so excited to be covered in blood with you,¨ Tom tells Castor with a gentle tone, holding his hand. Along with that, Castor was holding his sister's hand with the other.

¨But don't worry, it's not real. it s from a unicorn,¨

¨My friend is a unicorn,¨ Star says budding in. ¨Well they're not related,¨ he told her. And her stubbornness not to try things his way was frustrating him.

¨I'm- We are not gonna bathe in unicorn blood Tom,¨ she told him. He repeatedly kept moving his hand behind his back grunting. ¨What's that hand doing back there/What're you doing?¨ they asked at the same time before they peeked being his back.

¨Nothing.¨ It was his bunny and his therapist. The therapist was holding the bunny up for him. Star: ¨Oh, wait a second–¨

Castor: ¨–Are you getting angry?¨ 

How was this so far?? I have more but i wanna post the other stories i had an idea for! BYE, I HOPE U ENJOED!!

[naranjapetrificada]

Ooooh thank you for playing with me! I enjoyed your answers!

You write both Ed and Stede beautifully, but I totally get what you mean about getting into Ed's hornet's nest!

Funny, I don't really listen to music as I write because I get too distracted, but I love linking songs to scenes. Weird.

Awww... I'm freakishly proud that my words could make you cry. You'll never know how much your comments and support mean to me.

I made myself cry when I finished AWoTT because I hate the last few chapters. They did a real disservice to the story because I rushed and tried to write something readers would like instead of what I'd done for most of it. On top of that, I ruined the Buttons/Jeanne d'arc ending because I worried that it would seem like I was ripping off the show. They were both supposed to turn into birds. I can't face trying to fix it. (If you haven't read the end, don't waste your time, and if you did and were disappointed we are on the same page.)

Eeek! Sorry for the ramble... xoxoxo

Before I get to the actual reply to this ask: if y'all haven't been treated to A World of Tempestuous Things, one of the top-five best fics in the fandom, I'm gonna need you to drop everything and read it the way I did whenever I got a notification that a new chapter had been posted.

Re: the ask itself:

I'm sorry you're dissatisfied with how it turned out but if it's any consolation it felt like a fitting end to me! The first time I tried to read the final chapter I literally couldn't for all the tears in my eyes because I knew it was ending. I no longer have a neutral relationship with any of the songs you used for the section titles, especially "Don't Dream It's Over" because god if that didn't just get at the root of everything I felt about the fact that your fic existed. I miss your versions of Ed and Stede terribly and it's gonna be a tall order for anyone but David Jenkins to make them half so indelible to me. I felt like I was watching actual people I loved sail away forever.

I started reading it around when it was halfway through I think? It shouldn't have immediately worked for me when I first started. I was burning out a bit on reunion fics and I thought of myself as someone who didn't love when fics had too many OCs and those OCs got a lot of time in the story, not to mention my strict no-WIP rule, but whatever made me read it must have been fate or something. That and the reflectiveness of the characters and the times the prose knocked me off my feet and the usually gutting historical interstitials (I still think about/am haunted by the Chopin one at least once a week) and the lines I took screenshots of to send to my therapist. It's so much greater than the sum of its parts, and fiction like that can change things about a person's preconceived notions and personal tastes forever.

If I tried to list the things about it that are going to stay with me well, it would literally be easier for everyone if I just c/p the entire fic into this reply. It felt like such a journey that readers got to go on with both the characters and with the story on a like, metatextual level? It completely changed my relationship with high-quality WIPs. Now that I'm writing my first longfics I'm thinking about character and framing devices and POV voice in entirely new ways because I was fortunate enough to get the chance to read it. It's criminal that it's not in the top 5 most read fics in the fandom and I will not stop recommending it until that happens.

Even if you're not happy with the ending I think your readers are. This reader certainly is. And if you did want to go back and change it someday I have zero doubts that I'll be happy with that too. The fandom is richer for having your work in it.

[trans-axolotl]

hi, I really like your blog and your antipsych thoughts have been very helpful to me. i hope this is ok to ask for advice (sorry i have brain fog and this question is vague)? i think i'm looking for 'unconventional' advice or suggestions, the kind that someone in the psych system would not necessarily recommend to me.

i have had a bad history with therapy, but i very much need some kind of mental support that i am not getting otherwise in my life (issues like CPTSD, DID, among other things). im in a position where i /can/ go to therapy, and i've been with a therapist that specializes in the things that are causing me the most problems for a year and theyre fine (i.e. has not ever helped me figure out anything about how to improve my life but has been someone who can perscribe me stuff, and hasn't done anything actively harmful to me like other therapists and psychiatrists have), but going is so upsetting for some reason (maybe because the therapy environment has been so bad in the past?) and not at all helpful. it's useful for me to have a relationship to a psychiatrist/therapist for medication and other 'navigating the system' reasons, but it's absolutely unhelpful. i am very frustrated and disillusioned with the whole concept of 'therapy' in general (maybe due to my history)!! but i don't know how else to get help!

it's harder because of the brain fog. i also feel very isolated partially because i'm in a not great environment, and partially because i have multiple mental illnesses in addition to not being a very nice person. i have felt really let down by supposed friends i've come to for help who just said therapy speak stuff like 'you should get help....' and 'sorry i don't have the emotional bandwidth to help <3' and stuff like that. it really makes me feel like i'm too messed up to be able to ask for help from regular people and i have to go to the psych industry but of course i've already been failed by them too :(

hey anon!

I think what you've said makes so much sense. I feel like we're so often told "go get help" but when we do try to seek support, it isn't as simple as just going and easily finding a therapist who is able to provide all the support and care we need. It can be so hard to find and pay for therapy in the first place, harder still to find someone who specializes in a therapy style to meet our needs, and sometimes we might not just be in a place in our life where we are in an environment that allows us to do in depth therapy work. And I just want to say that it isn't your fault if therapy isn't meeting your needs right now--that doesn't mean that you're failing at therapy. You absolutely aren't alone in feeling dissatisfied with therapy and wanting other options.

For me, what's helped when I've been considering making changes about how I approach my mental health has first been sitting down and really taking a thorough look at what things are working and what things aren't working. It seems like you've done a lot of that already--you know that it's helpful to have a therapeutic relationship to get meds and for help in the system, you know that the therapy environment hasn't been particuarly helpful for other types of healing work, and it seems like another thing you're thinking about is how to get mental support from your friends and other people in your everyday life. I think those are really good starting places to consider where you want to go from here. It might be helpful to make a list of what feels like priorities to focus on right now--do you want to develop more skills for navigating crisis? Do you want to focus on changing your relationship with dissociation? harm reduction for self destructive behaviors? building resilience and cultivating relationships in your life? There's no right or wrong answers here--you're going to be the expert on what feels most important right now.

I also just want to say that I think it's really shitty when we're made to feel like we're too crazy or too needy or too messed up to be able to be cared for and supported in our community. I've definitely had people tell me that, and it really hurts and makes me feel hopeless, like I'm always going to be struggling and that there's no chance that I'll be able to get better. But fuck that. We deserve to have meaningful connections in our community, access to resources that help us, and to be able to build resilient relationships where getting emotional support isn't considered an unmanageable burden, even if we're mad/mentally ill/ neurodivergent. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to rely on your friends and community that way, although I know it's hard when everyone we know is struggling and people don't have the energy or skills or knowledge to be able to help each other.

This is getting long, so I'm just going to list off a ton of random tips and suggestions, and I hope some of them might resonate with you.

Join a peer support group aligned with antipsych values. Hearing Voices Network, Alternatives to Suicide with the Wildflower alliance, Multiplied by One, FEDUP trans/intersex eating disorder support groups are all great options.

harm reduction! this can be especially applicable for self-destructive behaviors, but just in general moving outside of an "abstinence-only model." working to understand your actions on a spectrum of totally chaotic, unmanaged behaviors to more managed, intentional relationships with those behaviors. embracing any positive change as an important step instead of self-blame and all-or-nothing thinking.

Trying to think of the best way to describe what I'm thinking here, so I might not have the best phrasing. But basically, spending time separating your ideas for what wellbeing and quality of life look like for you from the psychiatric system's ideas of what a "normal," "healthly," quality of life looks like. For me, this looked like realizing that I wasn't actually interested in getting rid of all my hallucinations, but instead I just wanted to lessen the distress I experienced and find a way to hallucinate without panicking. So I guess just in general--really exploring what is actually important to you for your wellbeing and not limiting yourself to mainstream definitions of "recovery."

Unconventional coping skills, or coping skills that traditional psychiatry deems "risky." I've talked with some people who things like getting tattoos and piercings are actually incredibly healing for them, and are an important part of their "therapeutic" journey. Not going to go into detail or promote other "risky" coping skills on Tumblr lmao, but more just say that it's okay if there's things that therapists view as risky that you might have another perspective on how it fits into your personal healing.

Building up your and your loved ones capacity for community care. This can be a really hard one, because I know it always frustrated me when I would see people talking online about how great things like care webs or the power of peer support when I just didn't have any of that in my physical everyday life. So I'm not just going to put this here like it's a magical solution or something that's easy to accomplish. It's something that can take a ton of work and we're allowed to be frustrated about that. I think one strategy that helped me with this was spending a lot of time building my own understanding of my own capacity to help, my own needs, and what ways I would like to be cared for. That helped me start small, just by having conversations with my loved ones when I wasn't in crisis and saying "Hey, this is how I would like things to go when I'm in crisis. This is something that helps me when I'm hallucinating. This is a way you could let me know that you can't support me tonight but still leaves room for us to have connection. This is how I can help you. Let's talk openly together and develop and practice how we want to care for each other." Starting with just one person and one conversation really went a long way for me in terms of eventually building up an actual support network and for me was super instrumental in healing work.

Setting out an hour a week that's my "self therapizing time." just using one hour a week to look up new resources, try out new skills, journal, do self-inquiry, participate in activism, do something that brings me joy, read something new about mental health, literally anything that feels intentional in that hour. trying out a lot of new things and quitting a lot of new things!

Incorporating your physical needs. I'm sure we've heard a million times things like "get sleep, nourish yourself, go outside," and all that is great but often feels fucking impossible when we're mentally doing not great. but I guess just saying it can be good to be aware of how our physical body impacts our mental health in other ways. things like trying to get our sensory needs met, embracing movement that feels good + making space for rest, embracing things that bring our physical body pleasure whether that's tasty food, sex or other kinds of physical intimacy with other people, if it's using substances in a way that feels helpful or joyful or fun--anything really!

Here's a bunch of random orgs and resources that I have found helpful: Fireweed Collective, Wildflower Alliance, Project LETS, Mapping our Madness, Mad Survival Tools, Organizing Guide for Psychiatric Survivors, MindFreedom Resources, Multiplied by one (I can't personally vouch because I haven't been to their groups, but I have a friend with DID who attends these groups and had positive things to say about them.)

I'd also add on this book: "Psychosis, Dissociation, and Trauma: Evolving perspectives on Severe Psychopathology" although I do want to give a warning that this book is a heavy academic text that has a lot of clinical and stigmatizing language. For me, it had some helpful information that helped me make connections between my experiences of trauma, dissociation, and psychosis, but I would not recommend reading it unless you feel like you're in the right headspace and can deal with wading through a lot of the psychiatric narrative.

These are all just some things that sometimes work for me, so please feel free to disregard anything that doesn't resonate with you. I'd also love it if followers could add on with any tips, resources, any "unconventional" advice!

thanks for reaching out, anon, and I hope you have a good night 💜

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It's been 3 years since I've written to you. Every time I write, I feel like I'm a different person. Life feels like a complete mess but I'm also okay ish? I stress about work, money, family, relationships, the usual things. But it feels manageable. Hard as fuck, but manageable. I'm trying to be a better person. My parents really fucked me up, and now I can see how that has made me a not-great-person at times. Christ, I have a sharp tongue. And I wield it carelessly, and it hurts people I love. But I am trying. I don't want to be like them so I have to work at it. It's harder than I thought it would be. So often I don't even realize that what I'm doing is not only harmful/unhealthy, let alone recognize that I sound just like my mother/acting like my father. It's so hard trying to have a good relationship with them. I love them, I recognize that they're flawed people who have traumas of their own, and I have endless empathy for them. But I'm still so fucking mad at them. Its like there is this anger at the core of my being that I'll never shake. I'm so fucking fucked up and how they treated me was so wrong and they were so irresponsible all of the time. When I was a year old, they took me on a trip to New Orleans w my mom's parents. There's an adorable picture of me riding on my dad's shoulders from this trip, I've heard funny stories from it all my life. Then I find out that when they went on that trip, they were nearly 6 months behind on their mortgage payments. And that kinda encapsulates the irresponsibility and the instability it caused. They couldn't afford that house, but they bought it anyways. I don't know how many times we had our water or electricity shut off because they couldn't pay the bills. Showering by the light of a fucking oil lamp. I was a kid, but I knew something was wrong and this shouldn't be happening. We lost that house in the 2011 housing crisis. There are thousands of other examples but yeah :) all that bullshit, and then immediately afterwards the turmoil of 2011-2015 started.

Anyways, Charlie, I'm working to be better. Need to find a new therapist but I started reading this book about how emotionally immature parents can fuck their kids up. Christ, Charlie, every page is like a punch in the face. An over developed sense of empathy?? Emotionally dissatisfying romantic partners?? Extreme anger that turns inward, causing thoughts of SH???? It's like reading a book about myself and while I hate feeling known, it's really helping.

As a life update: love where I work and my coworkers, but things are...complicated w management and I'm struggling so I'm considering leaving which kinda blows. My little brother has been living somewhat close to me for the last two years but he'll be moving away soon :( I wish I'd taken more opportunities to go see him while he was within a days driving distance. I miss him a lot. He's one of my best friends. I don't think there's been more than a week (at the most) since the day he was born that we haven't interacted in some way. So yeah, kicking myself for not visiting him way more. The relationship is much stronger, but there are still things we have to work through. Unfortunately he has been on the receiving end of my sharp tongue to say the least, which has given me the much needed kick in the ass to get serious about being better. Leo is good, he got some teeth taken out in January but he adjusted very quickly and it was a quick healing process. Words cannot describe how thankful I am for this cat. He is a momentous comfort in hard times, he never fails to bring a smile to my face and peace to my heart. He's laying on the bed with me right now, and when I'm done writing I am going to scratch his belly.

Life is weird, Charlie. There's a Nauhtl proverb that says the earth is slippery. It's hard to be a good person, life is full of shit that will trip you up. You have to work hard at remaining upright. It hasn't been an easy road getting here. I didn't want to live past 17. I'm nearly 27 now. It's been hard and a lot of things still hurt, but it gets better. I would have missed out on so many incredible moments had I ended at 17. I'm glad that I'm still here.

Thank you for being here for so long, Charlie. You'll always hold a special place in my heart ❤️

Love,

J

[subsystems]

4.28.23

I can't stop being hard on myself. Idk why.

Everyone tells my that I'm making so much progress. Even my therapist is really impressed in how I'm improved. Like, yes, I fully fused. I was able to travel internationally and live in a different country for months. I lived in a cabin the woods for a little bit. I'm about to get married. I'm preparing to tackle the process of getting residency in a different country in order to move outside of the US. What the fuck.

Past me would never be able to imagine any of these things. I used to be too afraid to leave my house, dissociative, trapped in survival mode. Now, I'm like...okay. Doing better. I've experienced more things in the past few months than I have in, like, the past few years. It's been a whirlwind. It's been amazing, terrifying, and so fucking freeing.

Yet, I still feel dissatisfied with myself. I still feel like I'm behind everyone else. I feel frustrated that I'm not working, that I'm not further along in my studies, that I'm not more experienced than I currently am. I feel like I don't know how the real world works. Sure, I'm making progress...but I still feel as dumb and helpless as a baby bird.

Everyone tells me that they can see my "improvement" but I'm still like ????

Maybe I'm just hard on myself.

I keep thinking back to this video I watched, where a bunch of laboratory puppies who lived in cages their entire lives were rescued and able to walk on grass for the first time. And they were just so confused. They didn't know what it even was.

I feel like that, I think.

[37q]

context: i dont have a therapist rn so i need a place to keep track of my conclusions to these complexities in my life because my resolve gets lost in the fog of memory details so! major psychoanalysis incoming. re: perfection paralysis

I'm dwelling on my employment history and what it may look like to literally anybody other than me. My first serving job Mexican place I quit maybe a month after a suicide attempt in the late fall early winter. Second serving job i apparently seemingly to management walked out one day just randomly. this was following a progressive series of seemingly manic outbursts for a few weeks before that. My most recent job that I quit was probably the only one that didn't accompany a major mental health crisis although it might've been an act of mitigating one? right now I'm focusing very hard on considering sustainable pathways for myself in life that don't trigger burnout or relapse and that could either develop extent traits of mine or unlock exciting "new" traits of which I had been previously unaware.

sorry i did voice to text for all that. i keep thinking like what the fuck even is sustainable as a livelihood or as a lifestyle in this world let alone for my conditions... and how do i stop associating job changed w mental health crises lol? i went back to my second serving job after like a year and a half just as a side job but i had to ncns twice because of ED stuff too oh my god. like how do i break this cycle!! what opportunities can i snatch!

its all mystified thinking though!!! conditions arent like highlighted points of opportunity, and theyre certainly not beheld to my recognition of them! waiting for the perfect conditions paralyzes me! its such a funny avoidant habit like im so dissatisfied with the hypothetical consequences of an action i might potentially take in response to my conditions that i just end up choosing inaction every time. its so contrary to how i actually experience perfection in my life! ime its "appreciation sleeps between chaos and order"* so dogmatically imposing order onto impermanence or nihilistically embracing instability in a world of attachment are both erroneous decisions IMO

*i manage to find perfection and joy in even the worst conditions so its a waste of time to try to find the perfect setup for perfect conditions for perfect consequences. when i look for answers in the articulation of chaos and orders duality im blinding myself to the serendipity of perfection.

not to say i should dive in head first to something obviously destructive to my mind body and soul!!! but i think my deliberations are fueling my avoidant self sabotage. in fact id say deliberating so strictly according to my attachments to my self and my world is an explicitly karmic action. wonder wonder wonder whim whim whim play play play

[smallumbrella369]

Please I need to know More about Haiku David For the WIP Ask Game

Aahhh! (AA++ for asking in Haiku!!)Thank you for asking. Haiku David has been technically complete for probably more than a year. I'm dissatisfied with it so there it sits, in my wips, waiting for me to make it "better" somehow? IDK. Here's a snippet though.

When his therapist learned that David liked haiku, she suggested that writing them during stressful moments could potentially keep him calm. She said that to pause and organize his feelings in this terse, poetic way could possibly defuse a panic attack. David was surprised to learn that, more often than not, it worked.

At first David tried to make his haiku lovely. But his therapist said that it’s not about making something beautiful or lyrical, but something ordered. She said trying to make it more than that would add more stress when he’s trying to calm himself. She said that the rhythm and organization make it elegant and he should be happy with that. 

It didn’t take long for it to become a habit, and after a year or so, part of David’s brain just thought in haiku. He still uses them to keep calm when he needs to, but the process is so ingrained now they just float to the surface no matter what is happening.

[retrocognizantrecreant]

Rereading Dark Disciple and throughout the story Quinlan is having one crisis or another, but it starts with him having a crisis over not having a story, (which sir, take stock of your life, you have enough trauma to occupy a therapist for years, you probably forgot when you were so deep in your own story that you just lost all of your memories for a little while). Also, it's hinted at him being bored and dissatisfied, (which sir, you're a black ops jedi, if you are bored, there is no hope for you). This is directly because he is Kenobi Skywalker adjacent and apparently jealous ish??? Like I get it, they have five hundred and one plot points a day, I would also feel like I don't have a story next to them, but take a step back my guy and read the room, you don't want to be that.

Except he does, he is happy when Obi-Wan looks at him like he looks at Anakin whenever Anakin suggests something ridiculous and also exciting (sir, sir, I'm pretty sure that's abject exhaustion. The man is tired. Anakin breathes and he gains new eyebags.) I've read this book before, but oh my god, Vos, take a breath, touch some grass.

[luxxxe-haze]

So far, so good this semester. I've had one exam so far, and I got an A. My life may have been flipped over and shaken up, but my neuroticism for having a 4.0 average sure didn't. I've been studying for my next exam this Thursday. It's a lab exam; historically, I've never done well on them. I've already calculated out that I can get as low as an 85 and still keep my average in the A territory.

I think that every time I do therapy as of late, I end up sobbing my fucking brains out. It's so fucking embarrassing, but I keep trying to keep an open mind that you gotta hurt to heal. The most frustrating part of starting over with a new therapist is just that: the starting over. It's like picking at an everlasting scab. I'm not convinced I'll heal from my traumas. I mean, shit, I went a good chunk of my life not realizing I had endured them. I lived more life ignorant of their presence than knowing them.

I still feel isolated from the world. I still feel like I'm unable to feel much and at this point, I'm not sure how much of it is my medication or how much is actual isolation. I hate being so dissatisfied with life. It's almost like I'm just anticipating another horrible, life-altering event to make me pine for these days. That's certainly not the way to gain gratitude.

I just am so... clueless. Yes, I've done life without my husband now for over a year and yes, I'm still here... but what is the point of all of this? I hate to pander to the 'why me' mentality, but sometimes I gotta know... why THE FUCK did this happen to me? I guess I'm at the bitter stage of grief because I don't want to be around my friends who are married or coupled. I mean, I don't want people to pity me exactly... just maybe fucking see me. See me out here sweatin', see me out here trying my damndest to get through life because my husband would want me to, or shit, maybe even see me out here trying to make ends meet now that I don't exactly have a second source of income but all the debts that come with one.

This is why I hope nobody ever reads this because I do tend to use this just to get these thoughts outta my head. My therapist did suggest that I journal more often. I feel like telling someone all of this would just burden them (except for my therapist for obvious reasons). So, I end up feeling really lonely. And, as my therapist pointed out last week, loneliness triggers more feelings of grief.

So I guess I'm a lady of perpetual sorrow... my Catholic roots are showing.

[messofmoss]

monday, june 17, 2024

3:45am

woke up and realized i fell asleep before telling julia good morning. so i message her. though a bit sad she's not said anything to me. my mind: "of course she hasn't said anything. she was probably happy you hadn't messaged her so she could have a fucking break from you. she doesn't want to fucking talk to you. just leave her alone."

going to try to pee and go back to sleep.

3:54am

brain: "would anyone notice if you were gone? would they care? would they be happy? you should have just left her alone. she's probably pissed to see your message. she finally thought she escaped you and poof there you fucking are again. why are you even trying still? it's clear she doesn't give a fuck about you. she's just waiting for you to get the hint and leave her alone. just leave her the fuck alone. leave her alone..."

going to try to watch tiktok or something and hope it can help me get back to sleep. brain is loud.

4:01am

"'let me know how your morning goes'? when does she ever do that anymore? she's not going to fucking do that. she's probably rolling her eyes right now. she doesn't think about you when you're gone..."

4:02am

she just replied saying "descansa 😘" a kissy face is better than nothing but she didn't say she would let me know anything so she probably won't. she used to tell me to let her know how my night goes but she doesn't do that anymore either. she probably doesn't want to know now or care to know now about my sad boring fucking life.

and i am teary yet again. "leave her alone, leave her alone, leave her alone..."

4:11am

"are you okay? are you okay? are you okay? are you okay? are you okay?" bouncing around my brain like the dvd screensaver but faster. always hitting close to the corner but never actually in it. dissatisfying. "no no no no no no no"

already this much and i've not woken up for the day yet. can't even just sit here and train of thought my brain. just trying to get the gist of it. i feel like its both helping to write it down and also making me feel embarrassed. my brain likes that i'm writing it down because it's like i'm making the thoughts permanent. etching them into stone where they belong. the truth.

"its not the truth i know its not its not its not but it feels like it is but i know its not. if she didnt care about you at all she wouldn't even answer. she doesn't have to answer you. she wants your attention. only for an ego boost. that's all you're good for. that's why she keeps you around. lilly keeps you around as her therapist. john keeps you around for fuck knows why at this point. the potential of fucking again eventually? bc his daughter loves you? bc he is too lazy to break up with you? your cats would miss you. they need you. koda needs you he needs medicine. mom would just let him die. the medicine is only prolonging his suffering. you're so fucking selfish. i miss emi so fucking much."

gonna stop writing it down now and tiktok til i sleep

8:16pm

home from work and hating myself 🤪

the automatic switch to the seductress character strikes again. i know what to say and how to say it. i can drive him crazy. i was trained so well that i can't stop. the first sign of it and she comes out. i'm watching it happen on a movie screen. she toys with him. the illusion of control. she's in control of him but i'm not in control of her. i scream inside "stop stop stop" but my thumbs aren't mine. they're his right now. he asks me if i am attracted to his body after he sends a nude. she says what she's supposed to say but all i'm thinking is no stop. "do you like my dick?"

as soon as it ends, the walls crumble and cave in on themselves, burying me. i breathe in dirt and dust, and she's just gone. i'm left with the wreckage and disgust.

10:07pm

my mom asked me if i'm still taking my meds. i said yes why? and she said because she can tell i've been struggling lately so she just wanted to make sure. she kept asking if i'm okay like actually okay. i still feel so guarded around her. plus it really is just impossible to actually express emotions in front of someone staring at me. seeing the worry on her face. what am i supposed to say to her? i'm haunted by my exes in general but especially one. there's a war in my mind. everything is confusing. i don't know who i am. i don't even feel like a real person. not a day goes by where i don't think about disappearing. my cats (not her) are the only things tethering me to this world. i'm used over and over as a sex toy and it disgusts me but i can't stop it. my dad has fucked me up and i don't even know the extent of it which scares me but she wouldn't understand that. i have already tried talking to her about that but she says "no you're his daughter though it's different" so different. that's why he told me to try out being a hot wife like his porn? why he would lay on my young teenage body in a darkened room until i woke up? why he told me if he were my age he'd think i'm hot when i was 13? why i still cover my ass around men because i couldn't walk by him without him doing something? why he told me that i could have as many sleepovers as i want as long as we have lots of pillow fights? why he literally got busted for a video that he described as being like what me and my friend did when we were like 12-13? finding out as an adult that he wasn't a normal dad. not all dads are like that. and this isn't even getting into his anger issues.

i'm in a state of constant restlessness that i can't do anything about because i'm also endlessly exhausted. my mood at any given time hinges on what a girl in spain thinks about me.

SPEAKING OF HER

we were talking about donuts earlier while i was at work. then i didn't answer for 13 minutes. and in spanish, she basically says "have i ever told you that i'm often laying like this in bed?" and she sent me a one time view full body picture of her in bed. with shorts on so her thighs were showing and like she has nevereverever sent me anything like that before especially not so randomly???? i drew the pose lol

and her shirt was in a way that her tits looked like beautiful rolling hills. rjfjejdjndhfjdj but like literally never before has she done this. and she was wearing her glasses. she knows i love her in glasses. if she ever sends me a nighttime selfie, it is close up on her face usually just half of her face even or with her face partially covered by her blanket. idk it just felt so unusual. like she was temp checking to see if i still like her. i did NOT compliment her even though i wanted to. so round of applause for me. idk idk idk i gotta stop thinking about it. about her. all of it.

[uncannyforest]

A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend of over a year, and when he told me, I wasn't that surprised. But I was surprised that I wasn't surprised. Come to think of it, even though I knew little about their relationship, I'd been expecting this ever since a few months ago someone said "He's really busy nowadays, spending most of his time with his girlfriend," and I was circumstantially aware that they weren't spending all that time together having fun or something.

I guess I'm noticing a pattern. I've heard a woman explain it as "I love being a mother to others, so I always ended up in relationships where I acted as my boyfriend's mom, and was dissatisfied with those relationships until I realized what was going on, and now I intentionally keep separate my dating and my acting as a mother to people in need." By the way, I'm strongly of the opinion that most dating trends are not gendered even if they get expressed in a gendered way, and I and my friend (from paragraph 1) have both found ourselves, as men, in that mother role.

I think a certain kind of person — which includes me and my friend — loves caring for others, and tends to find themselves in a relationship that heavily revolves around caring for the other person, and for a while nothing seems wrong because "they have a lot of needs, and I enjoy caring for others" until they ask themselves — as a therapist asked me — "Do you have any reason you particularly enjoy caring for your girlfriend more than you would enjoy caring for anyone else?" — and realize the answer is no.

This is hard for me to grapple with because I think caring for your spouse when they are in need — more in need than you — is core, not just incidental, to marriage. So if this is supposed to happen in marriage, and one ought to stick with their spouse in it (and most do), why do dating relationships I've seen with that element so reliably fail? I think there are at least a couple things going on.

I don't think this is just a "have you made a lifelong commitment" thing, as if you're "stuck with this person," although the commitment does matter. I think the problem with dating relationships that start with this dynamic is that their whole history has been one of one person caring for the needs of the other, and they don't have any foundation of when they were equally non-needy that helps breed mutual respect which I think is crucial when things in a relationship get hard.

I think the partner with less needs tends struggle with assertiveness/boundary issues. As I was thinking a few months ago, "I doubt my friend is spending that much time with her because he actually wants to." I think it's a red flag when any relationship causes someone to spend significantly less time with their friends/family/community, even if the partner isn't drawing them away on purpose. I wonder if my friend's now ex would actually do better with a man who doesn't spend so much time caring for her from the beginning and really knows how to set boundaries appropriate to the stage of a relationship. Maybe such a man would respect her more. (If it sounds like I just rediscovered the concept of codependence — fine, maybe I have)

[charmcoindied]

having conversations on tumblr that should be had with a therapist again

i just feel completely lost and alone for some reason. i dont know i feel like there's nothing in this world i could do for the rest of my life that i wouldn't hate on some deep level. i'm dedicating my life to my major but it's like. do i even enjoy it? or am i just doing it because i feel like it's what i should be doing? if i spent my time and effort trying to do something else would it even be worth it? like it's like i'm supposed to be eternally dissatisfied. or maybe i'm just in my early 20s and it feels like the world is ending every day and i just need someone to tell me i'm making the right choices and it gets better but god if it doesn't feel like it won't