#like I'm glad I'm getting my physical health figured out a bit more

[illyth]

✨✨✨ Two days until I get to find out if I'm bleeding internally ✨✨✨ and then only 6 days before I start weekly iron infusions for possibly the foreseeable future ✨✨✨

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Hi Cal!!! How are you I hope you’re having a nice week!

Lol I hope you know you never have to say sorry for not having finished all the asks yet because 1. The amount and speed at which you write is truly impressive and mind blowing and 2. Literally every word you choose to share is a gift whenever it’s published

I absolutely LOVED 🦷 🛏️ and ➰ they were all so so well done and fun to read and just a general delight!

I had fun doing the themed asks last week so I think I’m gonna keep it going. Lol warning the themes are definitely gonna get more and more contrived as time goes on but hey that’s part of the fun right?

First theme is then and now! Stories that connect the very beginning of the show to where everyone’s currently at.

🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞🪞 (one sentence and I’m already fascinated by the concept! There are so many ways you could take this one and I can’t wait to see how it goes!)

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ (i literally grin at my screen like an idiot every time I read about how happy and in love they are in this story! And I’m so pumped to meet the next Buddie kid! You already got me to fall in love with Violet and Nico so I can’t wait for the next one!)

- PCA <3

HI PCA!

Thank you!!!!! You are so so kind as always! I'm glad you liked the fics <3

Love this theme!

30 for 🪞 (thank you!!!! I'm excited to share my vision):

---

"Yes, Dove is a great kid. Peculiar sometimes, but sweet and smart. The problem is, with the rising costs of living and raising a family, fewer people are likely to adopt a child with pre-existing health conditions who is already six. But, we’re in Los Angeles. Maybe some wealthy family will take interest.”

Her tone when she says this last part isn’t confident. Crap. That’s not good. 

“So someone could ask to adopt her specifically?” Buck asks. 

“In theory,” Angie answers. “It’s a bit of a process.” 

“Right, yeah. My friends are in the middle of it actually.” Buck explains. “I hope Dove finds a family.”

“Yeah, me too. She deserves one.” 

When they end the call, Buck is all the more determined to solve this problem for Dove. 

iii.

He starts with Maddie and Chim. 

It’s not a hard decision. Maybe it would be harder under different circumstances. 

The person he thinks of first when he thinks of the ideal parent is Eddie. But obviously he’s not going to go there with this. Not the time. Like at all. Hen and Karen obviously would have been the perfect choice as far as taking in a foster kid with specific needs. But that’s no longer an option. Maddie and Chim have their foster license, though. And they’re good people! Chim was just as involved in saving Dove! They’ll want to help her. 

---

66 for ⚡️ (I am very excited to introduce them!):

---

All this to say, by the time they’re on one of their final trips, and the back of Eddie’s truck bed is loaded with stuff, Buck is tired. He’s sore from lifting, would very much like to get off his feet, and relax with a cool beer. But this is moving. Moving sucks. That’s a universal human experience. So Buck doesn’t complain. It’s only when he’s done securing the truck bed and walks back into the house for what is surely one of the last times, and calls out for Chris, who was gathering the last of his things from his former bedroom, that he begins to allow his fatigue to turn into frustration. 

Because Chris does not answer. 

Ten seconds pass. Twenty. Christopher doesn’t respond. 

“CHRIS!” Buck calls again. He figures Chris just has his headphones on. “Time to go, buddy!”

Again, nothing. 

Sighing, Buck tromps down the hallway towards Christopher’s room. The door is shut. Buck knocks on it.

“Chris?” He asks. 

“I don’t want to go yet!” Chris shouts from the other side. 

Buck, who could probably fall asleep if his head so much as touches a pillow, physically pouts at this. He wants to go back to the new house, where their mattress has been left on the floor of the bedroom while they set everything up, and power down like a house-moving robot that needs to recharge. 

“Uh, why not?” Buck asks. 

“Because this is my room and I don’t want to leave it!” 

Ah. Okay. 

Well, that’s interesting. Considering how he’d been excited about a house with a bigger bedroom. And not having to share a bathroom with Eddie and Buck. Literally, two days ago he was going on and on about how excited he was. So what gives?

“Can I come in?” 

“No,” Chris says. “I want to be alone right now.” 

Well… What the hell is Buck supposed to do with this right now?

He checks the time on his phone and tries not to groan. 

“Okay, Chris. I can give you ten minutes and then we need to get going, okay?”

“No! I don’t want to go in ten minutes. I want to stay here.”

Buck takes a deep breath. “Bud, there’s no furniture in there and there’s no food in this house. We’ve got to go home event-”

“THIS IS HOME! I like it here, just the three of us.” 

“It’ll just be the three of us at the new house, too. Where your room is bigger, remember that?” Buck tries. 

“Yeah, until you have another kid!” Chris replies accusingly.

Fuck. 

Buck really wishes Eddie was here for this. 

They haven’t actually said to him that they’re having another kid. They were going to wait until there was a more concrete plan. Not the nebulous idea of a kid, someday. Though Buck supposes it’s a bit less nebulous now that they’ve gone as far as choosing a name. 

“Alright,” Buck says. “I’m coming in.”

[theteablogger]

Follow-up Q from reading back on the timeline: is there a place on here/elsewhere where screenshots or Wayback captures from AB’s blog are, if such things exist? Since he deleted his blog (or possibly just made it private) there are a lot of dead links etc., or analyses of an original post which appears nonexistent.

PS thank you for still being here. I know a lot of AA bloggers are not, which is understandable because he seems to have gone quiet for a few years, but coming from someone on the West Coast who’s also trying to get into costuming, seeing the bullshit he’s pulled around the entertainment industry/film/TV, and then realizing that he’s also in fandom freaks me the hell out. I’ve met that ‘type’ before and body-shaming is such a rampant issue around costuming (and even tailoring more broadly) that day one of my education on the subject was “Do not ask a person for information about their body which you do not absolutely need; so not make comments on their body (including “compliments” on their figure etc); and put their physical safety and comfort as a top priority”.

I found your blog because of the Strange Aeons video and was sad to learn that much of the early bullshit happened in my hometown, but when I came back to this blog I was far more horrified discover that this person is also a serial sexual harasser and body-shamer not only had gone viral one here (the “cis people can get dysphoria” tweet went around costuming tumblr for obvious reasons) but also was/is in this industry. That is such a dangerous position to put him in, not just because he’s clearly a sexual predator, but because bad costumes regularly cause people serious injuries. This is especially likely to be the result of directors trying to make women look skinnier or otherwise “more attractive,” and the harm is often most serious in scifi/fantasy contexts where lots of stunts happen. Good costuming requires ETHICS when it comes to things like health, body image and, yes, gender. Mr. “Complimented his ex on her weight loss when she was literally starving because of him” should not be trusted with such a job ever imo.

I hope there are no dead links on the timeline--all the links on there should be to screenshots of Andy's posts rather than directly to his blog. There are definitely dead links in a bunch of my old tumblr posts, though.

As far as I know, the timeline is the only place to find a significant number of screenshots from Andy's blog. The Wayback Machine has captured some of it, but it's scattershot and some of those links don't work. archive.is also has a little bit.

“Do not ask a person for information about their body which you do not absolutely need; so not make comments on their body (including “compliments” on their figure etc); and put their physical safety and comfort as a top priority”

I'm glad to hear that this is emphasized in costuming education, and sad to say that Andy has violated all three of those rules at least as recently as 2018, which isn't that long ago. I agree with your concerns, and those are some of the reasons I'm still around. I hope this blog is a good resource for people in the industry to find information about Andy's past and decide for themselves how to respond if they encounter him.

[childrenofthelightcomic]

Hello! I have been reading all your comics, starting with Little Lapses since its beginning!

But about this comic, oh my gosh it is so relatable about Tashi! I really love stories that focus in the mental health aspect and yours have mostly neurodivergent cast of characters, which I applaud! It is not very often I see around!

By reading this comic I try to see all sides. Yes I am more connected to Tashi as all their quirks and traits seem to match the autism spectrum disorder if I am not mistaken. Taking sarcasm and metaphors literally, sensory overstimulation, hyperfixation, anxiety episodes and between others! Very good research you did!

About Iya, even though they are very abusive towards Tashi in a point to resort to physical hitting, I can't help to see them as a very struggling and insecure parental figure that just don't know better. They seem to handle a lot of pressure from their duties and rather a people-pleasing attitude towards the Spirit Tree out of fear. However their attitude is still not okay and it is very damaging. Tashi has their shorcomings but most of them can't be helped. Not that way for sure!

Ru's condition is a bit more enigmatic for me so I will keep observing their behaviour and how it unfolds with the other two light spirits. But since both of them have severe emotional strain, this little one seems like is going to be caught out of the very toxic environment now they have to live in. I feel it may not go pretty!

Keep going with your excellent work, can't wait to see how the story folds!

Wow, thank you so much for the essay! I fucking love getting these!!!

You're right, Tashi is a character who is on the Autism spectrum! They're intentionally written this way, and I did a lot of research beforehand to tackle their character with. I'm so glad you noticed! :D A lot of readers thankfully caught on to Tashi having ASD and Ru having schizophrenia. It's really nice when my writing is received as intended!

Thanks so much for reading, and for your enthusiasm. ^w^ Tumblr is the quietest mirror I post on, so it's nice to get a message like this!

[jeff-from-marketing]

The next person who says anything like "oh you and [person] would make a great couple!" or "you and [person] should totally date!" is going to get bit. And not in the friendly way that a cat might bite someone to show affection, no I'm 100% going for blood and tearing out flesh.

At the cost of breaking one of my personal rules of being on a social media platform, imma be real and go through my personal history, because there's a number of reasons I'm extra prickly whenever someone brings up anything like that and context helps.

So throughout a lot of my years in the hellscape that is highschool, I was actually very lucky to have some very close friends. Highschool was shit, but the people I got through it with weren't. Now, an important detail about me is that my preferred method of telling someone I care about them and love them is through physical affection. I suck with words like a vacuum attached to a kazoo, but I'm a god damn fucking poet writing... fancy poems, when it comes to communicating with physical affection.

Now, this isn't a problem... Unless you're Big Society. Because I, according to highschool dickhead logic, made the mistake of having friends who also just happened to have boobs. And as well all know, if you're close friends with someone that's the opposite sex to you, that obviously means you're romantically interested in them! Definitely can't be that I just actually really enjoy their company and think they're cool people that I'm glad to have in my life. God forbid I also hug them or anything...

... years I had to deal with that. I didn't know I was aromantic, I didn't even know that was a thing back then. In hindsight yeah it's fucking obvious I didn't want a romantic relationship, but I didn't know that then. All I knew was that I was fucking inundated with people trying really fucking hard to get me to date the people I hung around with. Fucking christ, I couldn't even go watch a fucking movie with some of my friends without everyone going "oOoOoOh YoU wEnT oN a DaTe!!1!!!11!" and it actually fucking ruined me for a while.

So many other people doing this shit to me, and I really enjoyed spending time with said friends and was happy around them, so maybe there's at least something to it? At least that's what idiot teenager me thought, and man do I wish I could slap them at times. Long story short: no, that's just called having really good friends who care about you and put effort into their relationship with you. But, because of just how people reacted and just were, I eventually conflated "friendship with good human" with "romantic interest" which, I shouldn't have to tell anyone is not even remotely correct or even healthy thoughts. It definitely had some very bad results mental health wise on more than one occasion.

It would take many years (and several crises) after highschool for me to actually figure out "actually, I don't do the whole romance thing." Now you'd think once I actually settled down on the fact of "no, I do not want a romantic relationship" combined with just not being in highschool anymore, that the bullshit I was describing earlier would stop.

Ha.

I mean sure, it's happened far less since then, but the number isn't zero so therefore it's too fucking high. I've had a friend try to set me up with another friend WHO HAS ALSO SAID THAT THEY DON'T WANT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. THE FUCK EVEN?? And like, that was their main basis on why we should be in a romantic relationship???? The fuck???

And I've had one person mockingly say to me "awww, what a lovely couple!" just because I was cuddling up with them on the lounge in a fucking queer space of all places. The one fucking place where I'd expect my aromanticism to be understood and respected (and yes, the person who made the comment did already know about me being aromantic, so that's not an excuse)

Even now, I have a friend who keeps getting pushed into romantic relationships that they don't fucking want because other people in their life keep going "oh my god oh my god oh my god you should totally date them!" and doing the same shit I went through. Only they're still figuring things out, and let me tell you it's not a fucking easy journey.

Even ignoring how fucking childish the whole thing is, why the fuck is the default assumption of spending time with or having any sort of physical affection with someone just "oh they're dating/should date!" Are people not allowed to have fucking fulfilling relationships without it being romantic? Are people not allowed to just be fucking happy with their relationship as it is? Do people really have to push their fucking standards on how certain social dynamics work on everyone else?

God I'm fucking tired of it. Just let people fucking be happy. Let people be happy together the way they are.

So like I said: if you dare say that I should date anyone I spend time with or display any affection towards, I will be tearing chunks of flesh out of you with my teeth. That is a threat and a promise.

[dxfiedfxte]

Yet another thread relocation because this editor breaks too damn much lately T_T || @tacitusauxilium

✦✦✦~ Fuuka

“…I…lost Juno.” Fuuka whispered hoarsely, her eyes squinting in fear of Akihiko getting ready to yell at her. She clasped her hands together, trying to feel for her. She made sure Akihiko couldn’t get a word in as she continued speaking. “M-minato saved my life and it cost me my Persona. Minato’s shadow attacked me–through the chest–” Her hands shot to her chest, wincing in pain as she could feel the pain and lowered her eyes. “–a-and I can’t sense no one anymore! I-I can’t sense if anyone is in pain, if anyone is lost–I-I don’t want to be removed from the Shadow Operatives!” 

Akihiko listened to Fuuka’s woes; he was surprised that Juno seemed to have disappeared from Fuuka’s mind–heck, he didn’t know how Personas work but that they appeared. He quietly thought, and feared, that maybe the shadow that formed from Minato stole her Persona? He had never heard of it happening before–at least Mitsuru was getting the full story from Minato at this moment. Akihiko put a hand on top of Fuuka’s head and shook his head. “You won’t be removed–I’ll be sure of that. Fuuka, you’ve done so much for everyone then and now. I know Juno will come back to you. And if I am wrong, I’ll be sure to stop traveling the world and focus on college.”

Fuuka sniffed her nose, feeling a tickle of a laugh wanting to escape, but it stayed inside of her chest–she only nodded to his promise. Fuuka wouldn’t know how to act like a normal adult–go to college, become a doctor to satisfy her parents goals, and watch her lover have the freedom she couldn’t? She mentally shook the thought from her mind as Akihiko moved to reach for her water and snack and handed it to her. “…thank you.” Was all Fuuka could say as she clenched them closer to her chest.

Akihiko nodded and lowered his hand from the top of her head. “Come on. Let’s go back to the room–I’m sure Minato and Mitsuru want to talk to you and see you. Besides that, you need a bed to sleep in. Wouldn’t want Minato to get jealous of me carrying you to bed, right?” He joked, noticing that Fuuka didn’t really react quickly to the joke, and felt his heart twinging in sadness at how badly she was. Fuuka nodded slowly and felt Akihiko’s hand on her back, guiding her back to Minato’s room while feeling like an empty shell of a person. She was there physically but her mind was somewhere far away.

As he greeted her, the redhead kept her expression serious, but slightly gentle. While this was a serious discussion, it was still good to see him again, despite the bandaged and healing wounds, still in decent health. There was a lot to talk about, so Mitsuru would get right to the point of her visit and get Minato's full account of what happened, and what led up to him being in a hospital bed and recovering from a successful surgery, She had gotten the brief description of it, but she would need the full report, to better help assess what happened and what would possibly come next.

Booted heels click on the ground as she makes her way towards a chair by his bedside so she can listen. Besides, she was sure that this would be a bit of a long talk, so she figured she might as well sit down as they go over the event that had brought them here in full detail.

[{ ♕ }] - "As expected, you seem to be recovering relatively well. I'm glad. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time for a more adequate visit, so I'll get right to the discussion at hand. For now, let's start with when this shadow appeared, and what led up to the confrontation."

It was a bit of a shame that this wasn't a normal visit, Mitsuru had become a very close friend of his from their circle of friends, and everyone held a special place in parts of his heart, but Mitsuru wasn't just a close friend, she was also a mentor to him as well, she even went out of her way to ensure that the graves of his parents were being well-maintained and cared for to continue to respectfully honor their memory and that to Minato, meant so much. So, he wanted to give her all the details he could to help her further her investigation into the matter.

Taking a deep breath, Minato sat up a bit, albeit slowly given that he was still very early into the healing process. Closing his eyes, he begins to think, projecting the scene of everything that happened clearly in the back of his mind, grey-colored hues open, and he begins to explain, playing back the experience like a movie on a big auditorium screen.

[{ 🦋 }] - "I had just gotten back from a podcast, and Fuuka wasn't at the house, so I got worried. Only to get a picture text from her phone, but it wasn't Fuuka, it was the shadow... my shadow." One short pause as he revealed to her the identity of the aforementioned shadow that had been responsible for the state Minato was currently in.

[{ ♕ }] - "Your shadow? And you're sure it wasn't just taking your form? If this really was your shadow, then this may be more serious than I had originally anticipated." Minato's expression remains serious as he says nothing. The expression he wore was more than enough to tell her that he was serious.

[{ ♕ }] - "I see...please continue." She adds, convinced by the look on his face, she continues to listen to the rest of the recollection of what happened.

[{ 🦋 }] - "The text was a message, telling me to meet him at a specific location and it had a picture attached to it, a picture of Fuuka tied up, and she was hurt too. Needless to say, I rushed over. When I got there, he was waiting for me, and that's where the fight started." Minato continued to go over the rest of it, in full detail. He left nothing out. Moments later, he was finally finished.

Mitsuru remained sat in the chair for a few, carefully processing and pondering what all this could mean. Surely there was a larger scale to this encounter, ulterior motives involving a grand scheme. She had a strong sinking suspicion, that Minato wasn't finished with his shadow just yet, concerning, to say the least, but she had faith in Minato, he always seemed to find a way to go above and beyond every time, even in the most dire of situations. Regardless, Mitsuru was still determined to find her own share of answers.

[{ ♕ }] - "I see...I'm relieved that you were able to bring Yamagishi back and that you're still here with us. Regarding the shadow. At first, I thought that this situation was similar to Narukami and his friends with the way they awakened their powers. Yet, you were still able to use your Persona, so we can rule out any potential link to that. Still, it's quite concerning to think that a shadow could be that intelligent. let alone, enough to put together a plan to trap someone." She's quiet for a few moments before standing up from her seat. Before Mitsuru could say anything else, Minato stopped her by speaking.

[{ 🦋}] - "Mitsuru-san, there's one last thing I should tell you. I was going to let her tell you herself, but I wanted to give you a heads-up. It's the reason Fuuka is so down. For whatever reason, Fuuka lost Juno, and she's worried she's going to be removed from the team. I don't know how it happened, but all I know, is that my shadow beat her up pretty bad.. not just physically either..."

The sentence stops Mitsuru in her tracks, a single clicked heel as she stands in place to listen and take in what she has been told. It made sense, so that's why Fuuka looked so distraught. While her not having a Persona was a bit of a big deal, Mitsuru couldn't even dream of letting Fuuka go, she was one of her close friends, and also one of the best handywomen she knew, especially when it came to technology, removing her from the team completely would be absurd.

[{ ♕ }] - "Juno is gone...? That's horrible, and also very strange. I've never heard a case where a Persona disappeared from its user's mind entirely... I fear that your shadow may have somehow been responsible for it. Remove her? Unheard of. I would never remove her from the team. If it came down to it though, I would just put her in another part of the team, one that is good for her natural talent. Anyway, thank you for your report Minato-san. It was very informative, once I speak with Yamagishi, I'll try and see what I can do to help."

After the discussion ended, and on cue, the sound of footsteps, could be heard outside the door, Minato had hoped that at least, she would be able to eat, she needed food after what happened Upon the door opening, Minato gave Fuuka a small smile, while Mitsuru gave a slight one as she took back her card. Now that Minato had explained, she understood that losing Juno wasn't Fuuka's fault, there was just something more to it. Just as Mitsuru had theorized, it was most likely his shadow that was the cause of it. Minato just hoped he would have enough recovery time when the time to face him again.

[{ ♕ }] - "Ah, Yamagishi. I've just finished speaking with him, so if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to you now and get you're account on what happened, please do include as much detail as possible, the more I know, the better I can be of assistance."

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 25, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] before i forget, i got you a few books…

[grant] oh really?

[margot] i give all my trauma patients books at some point. so here you are. these will get you started. the first one is a really great in-depth look at trauma as a historical and inherited process and it's called "it didn't start with you." and the second one is a new book that was recommended to me.

[margot] i'm so glad you happened to mention that the previous exercise worked for you because that second book is a thirty day challenge. maybe start on it the first of july. every day, open it up and do that day’s exercise. each one is different and targets a lot of various topics. some are pretty heavy, some of them are lighter and more fun. i thought you might appreciate that. it’s also a little bit more regimented, since you seem to like having something specific to work on towards versus doing open-ended work.

[grant] i'm actually really surprised "the body keeps the score" isn’t in here. i hear about that one all the time.

[margot] it is an excellent book, but i don’t think that’s the book for you. you’re welcome to read it on your own time, but i'd recommend you don’t.

[grant] why? just curious.

[margot] it’s a very hard-hitting book. my clients who have read it say they struggle to tackle more than a couple pages at a time. most importantly, the main theme of that book is how trauma makes us sick…

[grant] and i have an incurable autoimmune disease because of trauma.

[margot] exactly.

[grant] you know, getting diagnosed with that was the only reason i came to decide i need professional help for my trauma and mental health issues. if i hadn’t, i would have persevered on without help.

[margot] really? i didn't know that was your big reason why.

[grant] if you want the full explanation, i'll give it to you.

[margot] sure, go ahead.

[grant] i've been physically ill for a long time. i remember getting sick right after my oldest sister died. it just came out of nowhere. i woke up and my whole body was nonfunctional for a few days. i couldn’t even get out of bed. no one knew what was wrong with me, though it’s not like my parents even cared. they thought i was being dramatic.

[grant] and then i stayed sick. i can’t remember the last time my body didn’t hurt. but no one listened because i've always remained able to function in daily life until i obviously injured my back at work. then finally a doctor had to put me through imaging instead of dismissing me.

[grant] and what do you know, they were stunned to see such a severe case of my disease. they told me that people my age with my disease don’t usually have half their spine fused together already. i guess that’s more common when you get older, like middle age and up, but mine was already terrible. it was so bad they made me go see a functional medicine doctor to figure out why. of course it was trauma and inflammation.

[grant] that information didn't make me ecstatic. i've been through the ringer, some of it my fault and some of it not, but i got mad at myself and wondered i could have avoided getting sick if i'd done better and been nicer to myself and my body, or if things had been different in my life.

[margot] precisely why you don’t need that book. you already know that trauma makes you sick. all that book is going to do is make you feel worse. we can’t go back in time and undo the damage. you’ll only further resent that your health was destroyed and resentment is already such a troubling part of trauma.

[margot] there are some great passages or quotes in there, but it’s not worth it. i could easily just give you the good cuts out of it.

[grant] well, thank you so much for these. i really appreciate it. i'll for sure start on the thirty day thing first thing next month. any recommendations for how to do it?

[margot] no, you just answer the prompts or do the exercises however you see fit, and you can do whatever you need to get you thinking or ready to write. the only thing i'd maybe recommend is getting yourself a nice journal to write everything in. my clients said it was a lot more impactful to have something dedicated for it instead of typing it or putting it on a random loose sheet of paper.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hello!!! I would like to request a match up for bsd, demon slayer, and genshin impact please.

I don’t have any gender preferences

!!I would like for it to be platonic!!

My hobbies include : Playing the violin, photography, playing board/card games, and volleyball.

My appearance: Long wavy dirty blonde hair. Pretty skinny, but I have chubby cheeks. I wear glasses and have freckles and moles. I'm also short. (5’1)

My personality : Ambivert, Smart (all As), Passionate, Loyal, Kinda Quiet, and Random. I tend to be quiet around people that I’ve just met treating them with respect, but after a while I start to open up and talk more openly. I actually enjoy small talk, and learning about new things. I am also very very forgetful.

Some of my strengths are a positive attitude, having good communication, and my smarts. Some of my weaknesses are my physical strength, (I am physically weak🫠) and if I don’t connect to someone I would rather just not talk to them at all, and sometimes my stand-offish attitude when talking to people I don’t like or have interest in

Extra: My MBTI type is ENFJ. I like to keep my nails long and when they snag or break I’m down the rest of the day. (It’s a sensory thing for me) I get cold really easily. I love fruit. I can't remember names but I can remember faces.

!!Please stake your time getting to my request!!

!! Also make sure you drink water, eat, and get some sleep!!

Hi! Thank you for your request! I really like doing platonic matchups; they're a nice change of pace. I hope you like your matchups!

In Bungo Stray Dogs, I match you with...

I feel like you and Ranpo would bring out each other’s good and bad qualities.

You both find each other interesting, so there are never any worries about you being stand-offish with each other. But when someone comes along that neither of you like, there’s no hope for them.

While Ranpo doesn’t strike me as someone who really engages in a lot of small talk, I think he’d enjoy talking to you. He thinks you always have something interesting to say.

Loves listening to you play violin! He finds the music relaxing and it somehow helps him think better. Whenever he gets stuck on a case (rare as it may be), he’ll ask you to play for a bit. He always manages to figure it out only a couple of songs in.

Please try to reign in his sweet tooth. If you bring along enough fruit to share, he’ll likely have that instead of a handful of sweets. It’s good for his health and he likes the sweetness of the fruit so it’s a win-win.

In Demon Slayer, I match you with...

Unlike Ranpo, being friends with Nezuko would only bring out your best qualities.

Your good communication skills balance out her lack of speech. If you’re like Tanjiro and are able to understand what she’s trying to convey just through body language, she’s grateful to have another interpreter.

Quietly appreciative of your loyalty, especially in regard to Tanjiro. She worries about him and she’s glad he has trustworthy people like you around to support him.

Very protective of you. She knows you’re not the strongest person and being around with demons and demon slayers is dangerous.

Nezuko loves listening to you talk about whatever you’ve been learning recently. She finds it interesting as well and will hum along in agreement.

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

Although initially very different to both Ranpo and Nezuko, I think Alhaitham would be another good friend for you.

He is also quite stand-offish towards people who he deems to be interesting so hopefully you don’t gang up on some poor Academia student. Kaveh thinks it’s hilarious as long as it isn’t directed towards him.

Appreicates your fondness for learning. He remembers that passion from his early days at the Academia.

You may find textbooks related to a topic you were talking about earlier laying on your desk. It’s his way of encouraging your learning.

Please translate for him. Alhaitham is awful at communicating in ways that don’t come off as abrasive and it’s started more than one argument in the past. If you can step in before that happens and smooth things over, he’ll be grateful, even if he doesn’t say it out loud.

[formulapisces]

I found the whole process really dehumanising. I legit got told in my rejection letter that I wasn't disabled enough. it felt like the process was so heavily weighted in favour of people with physical disabilities or complex care needs that I just got left by the wayside. so, I think you will have a better outcome than me

I'm currently looking for jobs on evenbreak, I think that might help you, since they specialise in helping disabled people find jobs by acting as a job board and support service

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better 🥺🥺🥺 hopefully things continue to improve. this has reminded me to take my meds 😲 ty ty ty 🩷🩷🩷

haha I'm feeling the same. I know the weather helped lando a lot but I'm high as a kite on hopium anyway 😭🦇

that’s so horrible?! i am so sorry that happened, i struggle so much with feeling im ‘not disabled enough’ so i cant imagine how much that would hurt. i don’t know how much success i’ll have, most of the reason i want/need to apply is for mental health problems, they’re the reason i can’t work for the most part. apart from that i have endometriosis, anaemia (because of the endo), and i’m deaf so i guess i can really ‘use that in my favour’ even if they’re not my main problems if that makes sense? im really unsure if it will be accepted because i don’t have any mobility problems, or visible disabilities. i’m going to try figure out what i’m going to do this weekend so i’m prepared for monday to tell my job that i’m leaving. also thank you for the suggestion i’ll definitely have a look :)

thank you 🤍 i really just hope once i get all of this out of the way i can focus more on ‘getting better’… and i just realised that i forgot to take my OTHER tablet. so now i have 2 extras to take… lovely.

im really really hoping mclaren do better than everybody has predicted they’ll do, i’m so scared for quali 😅

[motorclit]

All of this.

I've been skinny nearly my entirely life because of my fast metabolism and during middle school I skipped breakfast because my guts were in knots due to the bullying I received, and didn't have much for lunch in high school because it got worse.

I didn't stop looking underweight until my brother died and I hardly did anything or went anywhere and ate pizza, and that's when I looked a little "normal." When my health got worse because of a large ovarian cyst that was endometriosis started to pinch my larger intestine shut (not fully, but created a bottlenecking effect) and my tolerance for certain foods were being lost, I slowly went underweight again despite what I ate.

After surgery, I had no idea how to diet to gain weight back, and before I saw a doctor about it, I made the mistake of seeing a counselor (went to her for abandonment issues and insecurities about how my face simply looks thanks to bullying), and because of my weight and my insecurities, she used it as an excuse to try and say I'm definitely anorexic and wanted to put me into in-patient care "before we get you back onto solid food" DESPITE THE FACT THAT I HAVE ALWAYS ATE SOLID FOOD. She wanted to milk my Medicaid insurance and ignored everything I said that contradicted her accusations. Then she GOT MAD when I told her I didn't want to see her anymore.

Know what I ended up doing? Saw a dietician (who only begged me to eat more, didn't understand how endometriosis could affect what foods I could safely eat, and gave me Ensure until the carrageenan finally became too much for my guts), looking up how to gain weight, and discovered the Yuka app to watch out for problematic additives.

I went from being underweight to looking like a cross between athletic and normal. I'm the heaviest I've ever been because I was never taught how to diet because if I'm not fat, then I don't need to diet. I love weight-lifting and exercising to build muscle, and my thighs feel powerful with a healthy layer of fat. I HAVE BOOBS NOW AND IM NO LONGER FLAT-CHESTED. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO NOT TOUCH MY TITS BECAUSE IVE NEVER HAD THEM THIS BIG BEFORE?!

I had to figure this shit out for myself. I'm glad Medicaid covered the visits with these useless "professionals."

I've noticed a theme with the professionals who DIDNT help me: they had quite a bit of religious Christian stuff decorating their workspace. The gastroenterologist and the gyno both had their work spaces having some informational posters and charts for patients and they didn't interrupt and were really understanding of me. My gyno is fucking awesome and he even helped ease my anxiety of my first major surgery and stuff.

Part of me wants to see the counselor again. And tell her to eat shit, I built this solid muscle and fat all by myself because I had to thoroughly look up how to diet for weight gain.

Currently, I don't have a very diverse diet in terms of meals, because I'm too poor for a lot of quality stuff and I'm still trying to figure out what all I like that I would like to try recipe-wise (don't wanna waste money on something I'm likely not gonna like).

My whole fucking life up until now, I've been accused of being anorexic by people because of how skinny I was despite eating like a pig either at home or at a friend's house for the weekend. Now I finally have more flesh on these bones. I hope to keep going.

And here's the context of my situation:

I am 5'3", the canonical height of Wolverine. I never made it to 100 pou ds until recently. And now I'm hovering around 109 to 111 pounds (it fluctuates depending on my foods available and how much muscle I've built; the muscle helps me maintain the weight). This is literally the heaviest I've ever been. My tits have boob physics when I move now for once in my life. All because I had to look up with no help how to gain. Weight for my situation.

Because of what I've went through, I will NEVER comment on someone's weight, even if I've noticed a change in their weight, because I don't know what they're going through.

For my entire life people have told me I am "naturally athletic". I am not "naturally athletic": I am an asthmatic with historically really poor cardio health and joints that partially dislocate themselves if I put pressure on them slightly weird. What I *am* is naturally tall and slender, even more so when I did absolutely no physical activity and ate very little because my neurodivergent body didn't give me hunger signals, which most people mistake for "naturally athletic".

That's not to say I don't have the potential for athleticism. My mother, who has never been under 250 pounds my entire life, is built of sheer farm girl muscle, has stellar blood pressure and cardio health despite her weight, and could (and has!) bodily haul me and my grown brother around like we weigh nothing. When I was a kid the woman was biking triathlon distances before we were even awake for school. The woman is an ATHLETE, and her whole life she has been obese (and heard from everyone and their dogs that she needs to lose weight).

I'm not sure where I'm going with this long piece of anecdotal evidence, except to say: my whole life I heard I was naturally athletic, until I actually became athletic. Because the thing is, I put on muscle like my mom. It fills out my shoulders and arms and makes me look big, thick, and barrel chested. "Genetically beefy", as my brother puts it. And suddenly I wasn't getting comments about my athleticism anymore. I'm quite literally the healthiest I've ever been. I can run for miles, lift my weight, my balance and heart health are excellent. I'm just bigger now. And not one stranger has a comment about my physique since I got fit. Because I don't look like what they think "naturally athletic" is.

I guess what I'm saying is, maybe don't let your perception of what "athleticism" or "health" LOOKS like color your perception of like. People's actual health.

[karofsky]

I also like to be open about my mental health (to a point) because I think it's good to normalize it, but I really have not been outright about how I've been feeling. I've basically been having an extended mental breakdown these last four months; a lot of it I have taken steps towards fixing (such as making progress with my physical health + figuring out my general future) but a lot of it is also just me trying to adjust.

I'm approaching 30, which I have a complicated relationship with, as I'm sure most do. I'm transitioning, which is a whole can of worms. I'm single for the first time since high school, which I've found great comfort in, but it's still an odd period of "oh yeah, you can just do shit now". I'm really starting to take steps towards a more stable career, or at least give myself the opportunity to do so. On paper all these things are good, but I'm also just like, having a crisis. For the first time in my life I feel like I am really myself, and while that's liberating, it's also a painful reminder of just how much I don't know about who I am, or how to exist in the world, or what I really want to do in my future. I kind of just feel like I've got this doll of me in my hands, and I'm just some floating entity sitting on the floor waiting for some kind of connection to spark in my brain on what I want + what I'm doing.

I've mentioned to friends before that Here I Am has really been a love letter to myself, and I think now that I slowly get back to it... it really is a bit of me baring my soul. And I'm glad people connect with it, for better or for worse. I'm in the middle of this crisis, but it's been comforting to get back into an outward stream of consciousness, rather than constantly being stuck in my head.

(Now I'm stuck in mine and Kurt's head, lol)

[system-of-a-feather]

I swear you guys are making me want to learn a martial art 😭

Good. Correct. Congrats on the Message Received.

Jokes and shitposts aside, I know that martial arts and shit are not accessible to most people both due to living locations, expenses, and the fact that some people just are not physically able to participate in them but I am 100% of the opinion that everyone - especially everyone with any amount of trauma (aka everyone) should and would massively benefit from finding a martial art of their choice and am glad said talk is getting people interested.

I've seen and heard so many people turning their lives around and dropping a lot of shitty coping mechanisms that they were struggling as they get themselves into it which is just generally great, but like it really gives you a shit ton more confidence and security in the world to be able to have the knowledge that your body alone - without any weapons - is capable of protecting itself. On top of that - it varies in level between choice of martial art - but the sheer level of fluidness and motion involved with martial arts really has historically helped a lot in creating more of a non-overwhelming connection with our body. Then on top of that there is also all the fitness and health benefits that come with any exercise.

And on top of that, a lot of martial arts of Asian origin have a large emphasis on communal learning and control, restraint, and the concept of power in the ability to have discretion on when to maim and when to not which while it is not my "cup of tea", it admittedly helps pieces of shit like myself (who also deals with a shit ton of ASPD tendencies) who are chronically on aggression, dominate, and destroy mode due to trauma cause it has given me a bit of a "stop gauge" by teaching it in a very positive "home environment" for me.

It's a whole fucking rabbit hole to go down and every martial art has a different culture in large, and every dojo / gym has a slightly different culture within that, and honestly most are very enjoyable to be around. If one martial art doesn't fit your taste may it be by how it works or the culture of the practitioners, there are so many others.

We've done a shit ton of them in small bits to find what combination we like- karate (1.5 years), boxing and Muay Thai (1.5 years formally, then an additional 1.5 years independently), a few sessions of BJJ (didn't work with our schedule, though we intend to return to it), Aikido (2 months), Kendo (1 month) and Wing Chun for 2 months formally, but 4 considering I have been addicted and independently studying. And from that we've decided our regular practicing set probably for life will probably be Wing Chun, Muay Thai, and either Jiu Jitsu or BJJ. We might try Taekwondo and see if we like that over Muay Thai since Taekwondo is theoretically known for crazy kicks as well, but ya know. It's fun to look around and shop for what combinations of styles fit you when you get into it.

Also honestly, when we were in 7th grade, we started karate because (and everyone in this system forgets it) we (and probably me) really wanted to have the knowledge on how to kick our fathers ass if we needed it, then PCOS and other system / trauma shit ruined fitness for us and we went into major survival couch potato mode for the rest of middleschool, highschool, and the first two years of college. Then Ray came back and needed shit to cope and mid a month of him just being really ass kicked by mental health shit went "Hey guys, Im literally dying and I need to pick up martial arts to not die again, I'm shelling out like $500 worth of investment into UFC" and we just dove head first into it again since UFC gyms and their boxxing / muay thai classes and conditioning classes are fucking insane when you aren't used to them.

And that honestly revolutionized so much of our life, how we coped, and generally helped a shit ton of our parts Figure Shit Out. We dedicated a shit ton of our time, flipped our comfortable diet, got healthy, actually began to value our body beyond just a "vessel", actually began to take care of its health issues more seriously, actually got most of our parts to actually figure out gender and self expression, actually gave us something to be proud of that comes solely from ourselves. Then I came out of whatever the fuck weird semi-dormancy lack-of-awareness as a part, was on a total self / internally destructive pisser, used some of our MMA shit to chill a bit and bond with specifically Ray who is now "coach" to me and like

Rapidly realized I think Ray and everyone else here who enjoys boxxing is a fucking gwailo idiot cause boxxing is stupid and inefficient and lame as fuck since apparently I was one of the only ones that had muscle memory for palm strikes and other not-glove-needing punching styles and had me going "Guys why the fuck are we fighting like a stupid inefficient white bitch, go get your asses back into Eastern Martial Arts white bitches dont know whats up" and made a deal with the system that I'll maybe lower how much of a piece of shit I am in exchange for being able to be in Wing Chun

And honest to fucking god, I have very very very few things that make me genuinely happy rather than "enjoying being pissed off / angry / annoyed because its my favorite emotion" which is an issue / symptom that causes me to be fucking a stupid asshole 24/7 since its not great to be addicted to adrenaline highs and ruining everyone's day and crap - but Wing Chun and guitar shit are unironically the only two things that reliably make me actually feel something positive without it at least partially coming from a place of destruction, snark, annoyance, anger, or harm so more than anything, considering it is one of my TWO things, its fucking revolutionary for me. It quells my pisser so fucking much to the point sometimes I'm just like OK I wanna strangle a hoe (irl or in the system), I'll just review how to break an arm and tone my reflexes with Wing Chun drills and just engage in something thats actually good and positive.

It's fucking amazing, good and great and yall should fucking give it a go if you can. Also like, I haven't really looked into it myself cause *motions to the dojos and shit we usually have and the knowledge to independently practice ones we have more experience in* but there are a lot of youtube videos covering basic principles and drills and shit. Of course martial arts are a shit ton more technical and small in the details, but western ones are a lot easier to learn independently and some of the eastern martial arts that are - for a lack of better words - not as active combat focused like Tai Chi can be learned at least semi decently over free to access videos. In those cases, even if you can't "properly learn" and "properly practice" them, you can still gain a lot from so much as look into them, learning concepts and general motions. You might not be as precise and "proper" in technique, but if money or accessibility to a gym / dojo is an issue, it is always a great place to start.

Also for those that are more physically limited, there are some martial arts out there for you. I'd have to dig more into it, but in 7th grade we did karate primarily with a friend who was near-blind (could technically see, but had to have it majorly blown up) and a lot of eastern martial arts are formed historically for individuals that are poor, women, or in places of "lower status" so they tend to have some room for being "weak, short, etc". There is also the complete option to just know your limits and take it at whatever level you can. Of course even with all that, not everyone can do martial arts physically, which is unfortunate, but it might be worth poking around.

And HONESTLY, if anyone wants to talk martial arts I fucking love that shit.

-XIV

[irrigos]

Why do you not like the dilettantes debut? I really enjoy your commentary on the ES-s, so I'm curious!

I'm glad you enjoy them, because I love to share my opinions at length lol.

uuuguughghguhgughguhghghghhhhhhh. Okay, the thing about The Dilettante's Debut is that I wanted to like it. I always want to like Exceptional Stories! I like it when things are good! And I will admit that it was not exactly set up for success for me specifically. It was only the third ES I played after resubscribing (after several years of not being an EF). Go Tell the King of Cats and The Ballad of Johnny Croak were the ones before this, and those are two of my all-time faves, so I had a little bit forgotten that Exceptional Stories were sometimes bad.

So, now we know how we got here. Let's take a look at what we've got.

Here's my quick summary of the story: The Languid Dilettante, the last scion of the once-successful Fairfax family, wants to make his debut in society by hosting a salon. The Dilettante's grandmother was once a successful Zee Captain, but ended up disgracing their family (I think it's implied that she was possibly a Seeker?), and all of their fortune was given to another branch of their family, the Eversons. Anyway, you work with the Languid Dilettante and his only remaining servant, the Steadfast Footman, to plan this salon, and also spy on his cousin, the Wild-Eyed Socialite (the Everson heiress), who asks you to maybe help her ruin the Dilettante's salon. When the salon actually happens, you discover the Steadfast Footman's secret goal was to lure the Wild-Eyed Socialite away from the party and use shapeling arts to turn her into a starved man, so she will no longer be a threat to the Dilettante's success. You can either help him with this, stop him (the Socialite escapes and will go tell the other attendees unless you pass a check, dependent on how much favor you've built up with her), or out his plan to the entire party. The party's over, later you meet up with the Dilettante to figure out how well you did and get your reward, and that's the end.

I feel like I get what the writer was going for- all these rich people are bad! The Languid Dilettante is pretty bad to his footman, the Steadfast Footman is planning to mutilate a woman, the Wild-Eyed Socialite is... well actually I can't quite figure out what she did. She's kind of a lush? She's not very nice to the Dilettante? She has too much fun? I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. I think the point here is nobody is good, to help them is immoral, but also, just like in real life, there are opportunity costs. Doing The Right Thing might ruin what you've been working for!

But... this isn't real life. This is a story. That I paid to play. And the way it came across to me when I was playing it was that I was being punished with a middling ending for not having unwavering fealty to the Fairfax family, but also for not betraying the Fairfaxes before I had any reason to. How was I supposed to know that I should have been undermining the people who hired me to help them?

Okay, I'm going on too long about this. I just can't really put words to the feeling I got when I realized the story had assumed that, because I was happy to help the Dilettante pick an outfit and guest list for his party, I also, obviously, was on board with deforming a woman for him. It just felt like a HUGE leap in commitment to this family.

Also, one of the things that left me hating it at the time I was actually a little incorrect about. If you go along with the Footman's plan, in the end the Dilettante (who doesn't know what you did) says that the Socialite's family sent her to a sanatorium. Now, as much as I enjoy Victoriana, I'm not British and I don't live in the late 1800's, so I was actually wrong about what a sanatorium was. I'd heard it before as another term for an asylum, but apparently it's actually more of a hospital for people with physical health problems, most commonly TB. When I had read that ending, I was left feeling like... "okay, so this story expected me to mutilate this woman, and then she's sent to a place that is, famously, where unruly women were sent and then regularly abused?" I don't think sanatoriums actually have that kind of history, at least not to the extent that asylums did (although I just ASSUME medical malpractice was as common in there as consumption), so my negative impression was SLIGHTLY unjustified. But only slightly.

Anyway, to put a final nail in the coffin of The Dilettante's Debut, Unto Dust came out two months later and I thought it did everything The Dilettante's Debut was trying to do but better. If i want to play a story about the last scion of a noble family, who's kind of a recluse, runs his household with the help of only one notable servant, and who needs my help to plan a big party to help honor the legacy of one of this ancestors, well, I wouldn't pick this one.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

vent/rant i guess..

i see a lot of things regarding ed recovery that talk about how "i got sick and tired of being this way or of starving myself/ect. ect." and i just.. i appreciate the sentiment but that's never been how it works for me. at most, it's temporary motivation that fades out soon.

sometimes i'll be eating okay and then our stove is broken so i can hardly eat anything (i live with my parent as a student) and we can't go out either because our family friend is staying with us to do some repairs to our house, so my dad and him just eat steak every night or something similar. i tried steak with them once because i just. didn't feel like starving. and.. it wasn't my thing. so i can't really eat steak either because of the flavour and texture.

and i discovered the weight machine a few weeks ago so that's been.. not so conducive to my recovery. and i was losing weight. faster than i've ever lost weight before. and.. i found myself happy about it. it wasn't any sort of concerning rapid weight loss, but.. i was happy.

found out i can actually make food in an instantpot now. which is.. not ideal, but. it's better than nothing. and now i'm not really losing weight anymore which.. is a little bit of a disappointment?

anyways, as i was saying. i fluctuate constantly between: "ok lets do this. i like eating food because it tastes good i want to consume it." and "ew i hate food i don't like eating food it makes me gain weight i don't like it."

(i think it may be good to note that eating doesn't actually make me gain weight with the amount of food i used to consume daily. i think it's mostly bloating since i always tend to return back to the same weight in the morning and then hover around the same weight after i eat food.)

agh, i guess this is kind of long. but. idk. needed to get this out to someone who actually understands lol

Hi! I'm glad you found my blog a safe place to get this out! I took a while to get to this (It's taking me some time to get to asks rn bc Life) but I think that a lot of people will be able to relate to this. It can be really hard to commit to recovery, especially because peoples' EDs & motivations can fluctuate. I definitely get what you're saying, since I also have temptations to sort of "punish" myself when I'm down or deny myself things like good foods.

It can be hard to commit to recovery when you never know what circumstances will trigger a relapse! It can also be hard to figure out exactly what will work for your body and mind at differing points in your mental cycle. I'd suggest you bring a safefood to just nibble on if you find yourself in a circumstance where you can't bring yourself to eat whatever food is on offer.

While it sounds like your relationship with food could use some healing, I think it sounds like there might be more underlying work to do regarding your relationship with yourself and with your body. Like learning to tell yourself "I deserve health and healing even when I'm in a place where I feel like I do not" or "I deserve to treat myself with care especially when I feel like I don't" or "My body has worth because it houses me and that worth does not change based on my weight/appearance/meal bloat."

(Also, speaking as a chronic illness sufferer, if you are experiencing extreme bloat even after eating small amounts, or are in physical discomfort after eating from bloat, you may be allergic/have an intolerance to a specific ingredient. If this is the case, and if it won't trigger your ED too much, I suggest you fiddle around with your diet until you find out what's making this happen! Small amounts of bloat are normal after meals, especially if your body is adjusting to eating normally again after a lengthy pattern of restriction, but serious physical change/discomfort could indicate an underlying problem. Remember, your body deserves to have food that makes it feel good!)

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[mctherofdragons]

A Sanctuary Heart | 3 | SR

summary / after her abusive husband lands her in the intensive care unit, y/n changes her identity and moves as far away as possible. upon starting her new life, she meets dr.spencer reid and his son, maddox, when she begins her job as a teacher. but can she keep herself safe and keep up the facade with spencer? can she be safe at all?

pairing / spencer reid x fem!reader

warnings / slowburn romance, fluff, angst, marriage, trauma, domestic violence/abuse, dad!spencer, wheelchair use, paralysis, injury, ptsd flashbacks, car accident/serious injury, bullying, mention of ableism, a singular mention of god.

important links / series masterlist + domestic violence resources

authors note / i absolutely adored writing this chapter, omg. we get more of spencer and maddox's backstory. and things start to get a little more exciting as the rest of the team makes their first appearance! thank you all for the great feedback so far, i'm so glad you're enjoying the series. also my tags are not working, so reblogs on this chapter would be insanely appreciated. Flashbacks are in italics!

Seeing the blood on your hand, Spencer instinctively reached out to grab your wrist gently. You snatched your hand back, bringing yourself up to your feet, wobbling. You grabbed your bag, wrapping your hand in your scarf that you had managed to take off in the cool October night.“Ivy,” he said the moniker one more time and you felt your insides reel once more.

‘I’m a liar, Dr. Reid, I wish you knew,’ you thought to yourself, stumbling to search for your keys under the warm glow of the moon.

“I have to go. Thank you for dinner,” you contended, making your way out of the side gate. Spencer watched in confusion as you made your way out quickly. He figured he ought to chose his battles, not wanting to startle you by following after you.

Once you were safe inside your car, you sat in the driver’s seat, hands gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life. You felt a sharp combination of embarrassment and frustration. You wanted the flit of light that came from the possibility of new love. But instead, the one before had taken everything from you. Even now, all these miles and a new name away, he was pulling you away from those little flickers of brilliance and back into the darkness of yourself.

_____________________________

2 years earlier.

“Maddox,” Spencer whispered, feeling his heavy eyelids open just slightly. He was disoriented, noticing that the once right-side-up roadway was now upside down instead. The loud blaring of the horn was constant. It sent a piercing sound into Spencer’s ears and head, which caused him to wince. “Maddox.”

Spencer tried to turn, but he couldn’t move. Something had him pinned in the driver’s seat. He looked into the review mirror, which by grace alone wasn’t entirely broken. Maddox was slumped in his car seat, blood trickling down onto his Toy Story tee shirt. Spencer let out a weak gasp, trying again with no avail to move.

Spencer noticed how cold it was. It had been snowing all night, and Spencer wasn’t sure how long they had been where they are now. The snow had fallen through the shattered glass, tiny flakes gathering anywhere they could.

Using all of his strength, he turned his head to his wife. Her eyes were half shut, a trickle of crimson come from her mouth.

“Baby,” Spencer whispered. “Are you alright?”

She began to speak, but began to sputter, her lungs sounding flooded. Her hand curled and uncurled, and Spencer could barely reach it. He was able to hold onto her fingertips with his. They felt ice-cold like she was already three steps into Eternity. Spencer knew that type of frigid touch. He had come in content with it a million times, and the person on the other end was never living.

“D-don’t talk, baby. Okay? The ambulance is coming. Do you hear them? We’re going to be okay.”

Spencer could hear the medics somewhere far off in the distance. The repeated echo of the sirens sounded like a band of angels to him. Spencer Reid admittedly didn’t believe in the Judeo-Christian God. He wasn’t sure what he gave credence to, in fact. But at that moment, inverted in the shattered glass, surrounded by the labored breathing of his dying wife...he prayed.

________________________________

Spencer walked into the Bureau, adjusting the brown satchel on his shoulder. His brow looked furrowed as he sipped from his paper coffee cup. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way you left, trying to profile what exactly had gone wrong between the Merlot and you rushing out of his backyard.

“Penny for your thoughts?,” Emily piqued as Spencer sat down, tossing his bag onto his desk. Spencer let out an exasperating sigh, taking another drink of his coffee.

“Just trying to figure someone out.”

“Oh, oh, oh. Is this a lady someone?,” Derek queried, wiggling his eyebrows. He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning onto Spencer’s desk with a sparkling grin.

“Maybe.”

Spencer felt himself smiling despite his best efforts. Emily opened her mouth in surprise, giving Derek a playful shove.

“I told you he would get back out there, Morgan!”

Spencer smiled. “Yeah, she’s sweet. I just...don’t know if I’m ready yet.”

That morning, Spencer had put on his wedding band. He still did it when he was scared, or nervous, or needing to feel close to her. He would feel the cool metal atop his finger and feel less alone. For a brief moment when the metallic touched his skin, he could pretend she was still here.

Derek gave Spencer’s shoulder a supportive squeeze.

“I hope you know me and Prentiss are just messing with you. We care about you, kid. We know these past two years have been hell for you. Just want you to be happy.”

“Yeah…I appreciate that. I just…,” Spencer paused, bringing his hands up as he spoke, as was so akin to him. His lip curled into the smallest smile. “Seeing this girl interact with Maddox. She...loves him for him..already?”

“Maddox is a great kid, Reid.”

“I know. I just don’t want her to find out---”

Spencer’s sentence was cut off by Hotch appeared, letting everyone know they had a case and to meet for Round Table. Spencer quickly shot a text to Maddox’s home health nurse, letting her know he’d need coverage for a few days.

________________________________

You sat in the front of your classroom, your eyes scanning from the test in front of you to the answer key. The students were working on a Social Studies project in small groups. Their task was to read a short story about colonial times and fill out a short worksheet. If they finished early they were permitted to color, which most of the children thoroughly enjoyed.

“Maddox can’t use crayons,” you heard a small voice snicker. You raised your eyebrow, hoping it wasn’t harmful, and rather just an observation.

You heard another child sling a slur at Maddox, who was sitting quietly with his aide, trying to ignore them. But as you looked up, you saw Maddox’s tiny bottom lip begin to wobble. One of the children picked up a crayon and threw it at Maddox, hitting him in the shoulder.

“He can’t even feel that! My dad said that’s why he’s in a wheelchair,” the bully jeered again, high-fiving his friend.

You stood up with a loud squeak of your chair against the linoleum floor.

“You two. Principals office. Now.”

The rest of the class erupted in a chorus of childish ‘ooo’s. You clapped your hands together - your universal signal to quiet down.

“I did not ask for comments from the audience,” you scolded. The children settled down, going back to their work, whispering amongst one another.

“Maddox, come talk to me in the hallway,” you offered. Tears were rolling down Maddox’s cheeks. His aide reached over with a tissue to wipe them, but he turned his face away, one of the only ways he could physically set a boundary.

Maddox’s aide helped him into the hallway and then left the two of you alone. You sat down on one of the small, metal benches in the hallway. At this angle, you were about Maddox’s height. He was blubbering, trying to take deep breaths as more tears came. You pulled a small, clean, cloth handkerchief from your pocket. He let you dab his cheeks, giving him a gentle click of the tongue.

“Buddy, do you want to talk about it?”

“T-they’re so m..m..mean to me,” he whimpered, closing his eyes as more tears fell. “And, and, and I can’t play with them even, that’s why. I can’t do anything!”

You nodded empathetically, gently catching more of Maddox’s tears.

“I hate school! My daddy wants me to like school. It’s all he talks about. I hate him!”

“Maddox,” you softly redirected. “That’s not very nice. You don’t hate your dad.”

Maddox looked a deep breath. You smiled, knowing Spencer must have taught him to do that when he was upset.

“You’re right. But I’m sad, and I wanna go home.”

You sighed, reaching up to blot the little bit of redness still present on Maddox’s cheeks. You adjusted his glasses, moving some of his curly brown hair from underneath the metal.

“Just a few more hours, okay? We have library at the end of the day.”

Maddox’s face lit up, his apple cheeks glowing beneath the rims of his glasses. “Library!”

“Yes, and just for this week, you can take home two books.”

______________________________

Spencer felt distracted the entire flight to Vermont. He knew he was going to be far away for a while, and that Maddox wouldn’t know until he got out of school for the day. The agent detested when he had to leave without Maddox knowing in advance, but it was usually impossible given the nature of things. Thankfully, Reid had a good setup of support through healthcare and respite so Maddox never went without someone to care for him.

Then, there was you. He couldn’t stop thinking about your reaction. He had seen it before in abuse victims. The way you flinched when he moved too fast, the apologizing like your life depended on it, even the way you looked at him with pleading eyes, desperate to avoid a blow. He bridged his fingers together, thinking to himself for a moment.

With that, he stood up, making his way to the back of the plane. He unlocked his phone while he chewed his fingernail with his free hand. Before he knew it, he was calling Garcia.

“Penelope. Hey, I need a favor. A personal one. If you could keep it between us, that would be great.”

“Anything for you, my precious string bean.”

Spencer laughed. “I need you to get all the information you can on someone. Ivy Porter.”

“Ivy Porter. That’s like a movie star name. What did she do?”

“Um..nothing, I don’t think. Just call me when you’ve got something, and email me everything you find.”

“You got it. Every in and out of Ms. Ivy Porter coming to you soon. Be safe. Talk soon.”

With that, Penelope clicked off of the call. Spencer sat back down, anxiously waiting for whatever information Penelope could find about you.

___________

series/criminal minds taglist: @hufflepuffhaze @omghufflepuff @txtdreamss @rainbows-dreams @bvttercupbby @k-k0129 @rexit-mo @britishspidey @graciehams @manuosorioh @shemarmooresfedora @big-galaxy-chaos @thatoneszesty13 @ssavanessa22 @awritingtree @sweetandsunny​ @rainsong01 @kuolonsyoja @taralewiz @bluelittleblackgirl @asexual-booknerd @the-wolfie