#like I will support 98% of them. and the few I don’t is because I’m petty

[the-martyrfication-of-the-matron]

I know this is sorta off topic but what do you think of Dante x Zenix?

Yes.

[tkwrites]

Summer Decisions - Quinn Hughes x ofc

gif from gabelandeskog

Title: Summer Decisions - Quinn Hughes x ofc

Author: Tory / @tkwrites 

Relationship: Quinn Hughes x Sarah Roberts

Warnings: Highly emotional, angst. mild fighting, lots of anxiety, swearing, crying, fluff. If I missed anything, please let me know. 

Summary: An invitation to his family reunion over the fourth of July has Quinn and Sarah tumbling into a long conversation about their future in the off-season and beyond. Though the ensuing fight is resolved, the reality of their commitments vs. their love for each other is put to the test.

Word Count: 4,600

Comments: I’m back with some highly emotional goodness. This fic was halfway done for a long time until your overwhelming reactions to my WIP ask game really got me in gear to start writing again. I really like the way this turned out, and I hope you do, too. It's, like, 98% dialogue. So if that's not your thing, I won't be offended if you skip this one. But it is setting up all of our off-season fics.

If you enjoyed this, please let me know by commenting, reblogging, or sending in an ask. Your encouragement and comments truly inspire me to keep writing. 

I love Quinn and Sarah, and I’m constantly blown away that so many of you love them, too.

Summer Decisions

A Quinn & Sarah Snapshot

“My parents want to know if you want to come to our family reunion over the 4th of July. It’s in New Hampshire.”

“Oh,” she said, voice quiet. 

“Is that not okay?” 

“It’s just a big step,” she said, “meeting your whole family.” 

“I’m meeting your family in June, aren’t I?” he asked.

They’d discussed him coming to visit when she went home for a few weeks after school. Were it not for the Canucks making it into the playoffs, she would have bought a ticket for the Monday after her classes would be done. Instead, she pushed her visit back until mid-June, wanting to be in Vancouver to support him through the entirety of their run, however long it may be.

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” 

It was a little strange to her how comfortably serious they were, but she couldn’t imagine life with Quinn any other way. It was that fated belonging she’d talked about so much when they first met. Even still, it was a little jarring to think about him meeting her family or meeting his before they even hit the six month mark. 

The phrase, ‘when you know, you know,’ never made sense until she met him. She knew, and even though it felt too fast and scary sometimes, she knew it would all turn out okay. 

“So we’ll fly out from Van, what? The night before?”

“I’ll have to fly out from Michigan.” 

“Michigan? Why?” 

“I thought I told you we train in Michigan in the summer.”

“You did, but I thought… I thought maybe that changed?” 

“Why?” 

“Because of us?” she gestured between them. 

“I mean, I’d love for you to come with me.” 

“I can’t do that, Quinn.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t just pack up and move to Michigan. I still have my research work, and if I’m not working or in school for more than 6 weeks in a quarter, it violates my education visa. Not only will I have to move back to the States, I won’t be able to finish my degree.” 

“Then I’ll fly you out every weekend.” 

Pricked, the old wound split open, and she couldn’t quite hide the annoyance in her voice, “so it’s up to me to fly to you?” 

Shit. He hadn’t taken her schedule into account again. “Sorry, no. Of course I’d come here, too.”

The annoyance still fresh in her mind she found herself asking, “why do I have to remind you my time matters for you to take it into account?”

Quinn winced. “I know your time matters. I’m sorry, it’s not fair for me to assume you could just pack up and move or fly out every weekend.”

“Then don’t bring it up again,” she said. 

Okay then. 

“I’m trying here, Sarah. This is all new to me, too.” He’d never felt close enough with June to figure out a summer situation. They saw each other once or twice when he was gone, and that was enough. Looking back, that should have been a huge sign about the trajectory of their relationship.

“And yet, I assume because I have a vagina, I was raised to take other people into account.” 

“That’s not fair,” he said. 

“No? Then why do you always jump into me coming to you? Into me changing my plans? Into me inconveniencing my life before you do?” 

Fuck. This wasn’t supposed to go this way. This was supposed to be a nice, light conversation about how he wanted her to meet everyone he loved. 

“Maybe we should just break up for the summer,” she said when he didn’t say anything.  

“What? No!” Quinn sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, hurt and disgruntled she would even suggest such a thing. 

“What would you suggest, then?”

Instead of answering her question, he asked one of his own. “Do you want to date someone else?” His voice was hesitant as he braced himself for the blow. 

“No. Of course not.” 

“Then why do you want to break up?” he asked through the relief easing his mind. “Why would you even say that?” 

“Because we won’t be together.”

“That doesn’t mean we should just call it off. Why do you always jump into ‘we should break up’ or ‘I should go’ when something hard comes up?” 

“I…” Sarah broke off, caught. “I don’t know.” 

“Maybe you should figure that out because I’m willing to put in the work here,” he said, gesturing between them. 

“That’s not fair.”

He raised his eyebrows instead of throwing her words back in her face. 

“I’m sorry, Quinn. I am trying, and I know you’re trying.” Tears pricked at her eyes, “I’ve just…” her mind whirred, trying to find the right explanation. In the end, as it always did with Quinn, the truth won out. “I’m scared I’m going to fuck it up and I don’t want to lose you.” 

Bridging the space between them with one big step, he pulled her against him. When they boiled down to the heart of the problem, they were both scared of the same thing. 

Tucking his nose into her hair, he breathed in the calming, smokey scent that was uniquely hers. “I don’t want to lose you, either,” he said. “We can still be together. Just separately.”

A laugh snorted from her nose, and she pulled back, “what?” 

“Long distance?”

It was Sarah's turn to suck on her lip. “I’ve never done that before.”

“I have. It's not easy. But I think we're both committed enough to make it work. Plus, we'll see each other pretty often.”

She had her thinking face on as a pregnant pause passed, so Quinn didn’t interrupt.

“What would that look like?” she asked, finally. 

“We’d talk on the phone and video chat a lot. I can come see you every weekend.”

“That doesn't make sense, Quinn. You go to Michigan to train and be with family. If you're flying back here every weekend, won't that mess with those things?”

“Probably, but —”

“Then it's out of the question. You need to do what you need to do.” 

He felt whiplashed. “I thought you wanted me to come here.” 

“Only in equal measure to me coming to you. I won’t let you give up your summer training for me.” 

It stuck him how much care and understanding were laid out in that statement. 

“Just like I know you wouldn’t want me to give up my research for you. It wouldn’t be fair.” 

Still wrapped in each others arms, Sarah rested her head on his shoulder as they thought. 

Tucking his face into her hair again, Quinn breathed deeply. As always, that smokey, vanilla scent was so calming to him. He couldn’t ever get it out of his mind. 

“This fucking sucks,” he said, voice muffled.

“I know,” she agreed. “I wish it could be different."

It couldn’t. They both had commitments that needed to be fulfilled, and they just didn’t match up.

“I wish I’d known. I would have made different plans.” 

“How would you have known?” she asked. “We only met four months ago.” 

“Has it only been that long?” he asked. The reality of the swiftness of their relationship hit him full force. “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” 

“I know. I do too.” 

“I don’t want to go the summer without you,” he said, caressing her cheek with the backs of his fingers. 

“I don’t either,” she agreed, “but it’s not like it’ll be five months where we just don’t see each other.” 

“Four,” he corrected. 

“What?” 

“Four months, I come back in September.” 

Well, that was a relief. 

“Okay, four months. I mean, we already have stuff planned. Let’s talk through what we do have,” she suggested, breaking away from him all together and pulling her planner from her bag. Flipping to the summer months, she lay it on top of her comparative physiology textbook and sat at the table. The urge to make a plan itched beneath her skin. 

He sat next to her, leaning in.

“So we have my family in June,” she said, pointing out the 10 days she had blocked out for her visit, “I sort of expected you’d come on the weekend?”  

“Yeah, that sounds good. And our reunion over the forth,” he said, flipping the page. “Then, we’re going to Hawaii at the end of July. You can come. I’ll get you a ticket.” 

“Hold on, have you talked to your family about this?” 

“No, but it’ll be fine.” 

She shook her head. 

He couldn’t believe she was turning down the option to spend two more weeks together. 

“That’s your family vacation, Quinn. I’d love to come, but I don’t want to go inserting myself —”

“You’re not inserting yourself, I’m inviting you.” 

“And I’m telling you I won’t come unless all your family is okay with it. Including Jack.” 

Even though Quinn had assured her Jack was a good guy and very devoted to his family and would come around once they met, he was still aloof anytime she happened to be around when he and Quinn were talking. Even Ellen had said as much, but Sarah still felt hesitant. Until she saw it from Jack himself, she wasn’t about to jump into an already planned vacation. She knew what it was like having a new person join the family. She didn’t want to make it any harder than it had to be. 

Quinn huffed. 

“The last thing I want is to come between you and your brothers,” she said gently.

His expression softened. “Okay. I’ll talk to them about it when they’re here.”

“So, it looks like we’ll see each other every three weeks or so, depending on when you come to Nevada and what Hawaii looks like. At least until August.”

Every three weeks felt like too long. He could hardly stand a week on the road, and they weren’t even living together. Yet. 

“I’d like you to come out to Michigan,” he said, “meet the guys. See the house.”

“Okay,” she agreed. “And you can come back here sometime here,” she said, her finger circling over a few weeks in August. 

Quinn nodded. It certainly wasn’t going to be easy, but it did feel better to have a plan.

“Are you renting this place out for the summer,” she asked, “while you’re gone?”

“I kind of thought you might move in here.”

“What?” 

“I mean, it’s just going to be empty, and I’d really like to live with you when I move back.” 

She couldn’t believe he could drop such a huge bomb so easily. As she tried to reconcile what he was saying, she repeated, “what?” 

“I mean…” he paused, voice and expression suddenly hesitant, “only if you want to.” 

Her brain finally caught up, “it’s not that. It’s just…we haven’t even talked about living together, and now you have this whole plan about how I should live here over the summer.” 

“I just thought there’s no real need for you to pay for rent anymore, since you spend so much time here anyway.” 

“I…” she was struck with the care in that statement, “that’s really sweet, Quinn.” 

He beamed.

“But I can’t live here alone all summer.” 

Expression falling, he opened his mouth.

“I just —” she interrupted before she lost her nerve. What was one more in a series of already vulnerable conversations? “I’d love to live here with you, but I can’t…I don’t know how my depression will act up if I live alone for that long. I’ve never lived on my own before, and I don’t think a summer where I’m missing my boyfriend is the best time to start.” 

The thought that she’d be here alone hadn’t crossed his mind. Not in a concrete way. Like, he knew she’d be here, and he knew he’d be in Michigan, but he never thought about it like she would be the only one in the apartment.

“Oh,” he whispered, taking her hands in his, “then of course not.” 

His immediate acceptance made tears rush to her eyes. 

“What’s wrong?” Quinn asked as she took a hand back to wipe her face. 

Smiling despite the tears on her cheeks, she shook her head. “I just really love you.” Her voice sounded full, almost like she had a cold.

“I love you, too,” he said, feeling a little confused, “but I don’t know why you’re crying.” 

“Just…” How could she explain something like this? “The way you accept and trust my needs. It’s really nice.”

“The last thing I want is for you to be unhappy, Sarah.” 

This brought on a new wave of tears, and she tucked her head into his shoulder, trying to pull herself together. 

Quinn still felt a little whiplashed but tried to roll with it, running a soothing hand over her back. 

“What?” he asked when she mumbled something into his shirt. 

Pulling back, she wiped her nose before repeating, “I’ll have to sign a new lease. It comes up in July.” 

“I’ll buy you out of it,” he said as if it was the simplest, easiest solution to any of the problems they’d discussed that day. 

“I can’t let you do that, Quinn. That’s a lot of money.” 

He hated having this conversation, but it needed to be had. It was actually a little surprising to him that it’d taken this long for it to come up. June had asked him about it a month into dating.

“Sarah, I make eight million dollars a year. I can buy out your lease.” 

Her eyes went wide. They’d never discussed money so concretely. She knew he made big bucks. All pro athletes did, but, “eight million?” she asked. “What do you do with it?” 

“I have a financial advisor who’s helped me invest most of it,” he said, “and I don’t really have all eight million available all the time. But I paid off my parents and some of our families’ houses, and I give quite a bit to charity.” 

She’d seen the way he was with money. He never worried about it, but he certainly didn’t throw it at anything and everything. He wasn’t irresponsible. 

Opening her mouth to say something, she found her mind still reeling and closed it again. 

The annoyed look he would give her when she paid the dinner bill flashed in her mind. No wonder. He made so much more than she did. All the same, she wasn’t about to become some sugar baby. That went against nearly everything her parents had taught her.

“I still want to pull my weight,” she said.

Quinn was a little taken aback by the fierceness in her voice, “what?” 

“If we move in together, I still want to pull my weight.” 

His lips pursed, and he held back his initial response in favor of gathering more information. “What do you mean?” 

“Like, if I make $80,000 a year, I want to pay whatever percentage that is of what you make.”

“You only make $80,000 a year?” he asked. 

“No. Right now, I make $50,000 a year from my research stipend. It pays for my schooling, too, so it’s technically more, but $80,000 is a general base salary for a marine zoologist.” 

“You’ve been living on $50,000 a year?” 

“Yes, and I’ve been fine,” she said, giving him a look that stifled any follow-up questions he may have had. “My point is that if —” she paused to correct herself, “when we live together,” he beamed and she lost her thought for a moment before continuing, “I want to pull my weight, even if it is just a small percentage of the household. I don’t want to be some beholden trophy wife.” 

“Beholden?” he repeated, an amused smile playing on his lips.

“Yes, I don’t want to be some kept woman. A lot of financial advisors that I listen to say you should split the household and each pay the percentage compared to your salaries. How much do you pay here a month? Do you rent? Is it a mortgage?” 

“It’s a rental. It’s not really smart for me to buy a place when there’s a chance I may get traded in three years. It’s not enough time to build adequate equity on a home.” 

Sarah stuck a mental pin in that to come back to, “and how much is your rent?” 

“12,000.” 

“A year?” she found herself asking, even though she knew that couldn’t possibly be the answer.  

“A month,” he said with an indulgent smile, knowing it was her shock speaking more than anything else.

She wasn’t quite sure why, but this fact struck Sarah harder than anything else they’d talked about. She knew she’d never be able to afford an apartment like this on her own, but this was insane. More than a fifth of her yearly salary went to Quinn’s rent each month. She counted herself lucky to find a private room for under $2000.

“Okay, so if I make,” she paused, doing mental calculations - moving decimal points. Her voice was flat when she spoke again, “one percent of what you do…” She trailed off, looking into his face, “Quinn, this is insane.” 

“I know,” he agreed. “I’m happy to just pay, but if you would feel better paying whatever, I’m happy for you to do that, too.” 

 “So, I’d pay one percent of the household expenses.” Saying it out loud, it sounded so silly. One percent? That seemed minuscule, too insignificant to matter. “Maybe I could pay ten percent? One feels too tiny.”

“Sure,” Quinn said, knowing this was important to her. Unless she was storming in, trying to take over all the bills, he was happy to have her contribute in whatever way she wanted. “If you want to do that, let’s do that. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” 

They sat quietly for a moment, and he gathered his thoughts.

“I know it’s important to you to contribute,” Quinn said gently, “and I’m not saying you shouldn’t - but I just want you to know I’m happy to pay for things. I know I’m insanely blessed to make the kind of money I do to play a sport that I love. I’d really, really like to live together once I move back. So if that means I need to buy out your lease, I’m happy to do it if you’re comfortable with that.”

Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, she thought. If Quinn paid off her lease, she wouldn’t have to put off moving in with him or live on her own in this giant apartment or find a place to live for the two months between when he was home and when her lease was up. 

She wondered if this was one of those instances her grandmother often talked about. “Sometimes,” she would say while they were cleaning the basement or kneading dough, or working in the garden, “life showers you with blessings. And it’s up to you to catch them.” 

She always accompanied this wisdom by shaping her hands into a bowl as if to fill them with water. 

Sarah did the same now, pulling her other hand out of Quinns to cup them together. 

Eyebrows knitted together, he glanced from her hands to her face. 

She giggled and told him the story. 

“I should start doing that every morning,” he said, cupping his own hands together. 

“Every morning?” she repeated. 

“Well, every morning that you’re here. When I wake up next to you, I feel like the luckiest guy alive.” 

Despite it being incredibly cheesy, Sarah couldn’t help feeling moved. “Quinn that’s really sweet,” she said. “I feel like that, too,” she paused, feeling like she needed to add a caveat. “And I want you to know your money isn’t part of that. I would love you no matter how much money you were making.” 

“I know,” he said, leaning in to brush his lips over hers, “I’ve known that from the start.” 

His hands found her waist as their lips connected. 

A while later, that pin she’d stuck in for later snapped back into her mind, and Sarah pulled away. “What did you mean about getting traded?”

Well, they might as well have all the hard conversations all at once. “I’m in contract for the next three years, but after that, or even before, there’s always a chance I could get traded.” 

The trade deadline had already passed for the season, and Sarah had watched, fascinated, as players were moved around from club to club, like pieces on a chess board as organizations tried to build the best teams possible. Now, she had a new level of understanding, knowing lives and families were being uprooted in the process.

“But they love you here.”

His smile was wide and genuine, “I love it here, too. I don’t really expect I’d be traded anytime soon, but I can’t say never with what I do. I could get seriously injured, or my game could crash.” 

She gave him an incredulous look. 

“Its happened before.” 

“To you?” 

“No, but it has to people I know. I really like it here, but I can’t guarantee I’ll play here forever, or even for the next three years. I think I will, but I can’t say for certain.”

“What happens if you get traded while I’m still finishing my degree?”

“I don’t think that will happen, but I guess we’d make it work apart until you were done. Most players get traded right at the end of their contract, so we’d be apart for the rest of the season, and then we’d decide what to do moving forward. If I was moving clubs by choice, we’d decide where to go together. ”

She nodded. “Do you get any say in trades?” 

“I think I probably would, but it doesn’t always work out that way. I mean, Bo had a monster year last season, but they couldn’t come to an agreement, and so he got traded, and I know he would have liked to stay. It’s just never guaranteed.” 

“How do you live your life like this?” she asked. 

He shrugged, “you just kind of have to get used to the idea that things could change tomorrow.” 

“That sucks.”

“Yeah.” 

The concerns his parents had expressed when they were here snapped into place, and a sudden, consuming worry that she might not want this kind of life overwhelmed him.

“Are you,” he paused to lick his lips, trying to find the right phrasing, “I mean, do you think you could be okay with that?” 

Even as it was racing with anxiety, the worried look on his face melted Sarah’s heart. It was difficult to reconcile the fact that while it felt steady now, his life had the possibility of being in flux all the time, and that where he chose to work was only partially up to him. At the same time, she didn’t want to be without him. The pull between them was too strong, too fated in a way she couldn’t deny. She was too in love with him to be scared of the reality of his life. 

There was only one thing for it. “It’ll take some getting used to, but I think I can,” she said. Perhaps this wasn’t even something she needed to be worried about. Thoughts buzzing, she tried to think of players on Quinn’s level who’d been traded recently. She couldn’t remember any off the top of her head. She’d have to look it up. 

He gave her a relieved smile, and she saw moisture shining in his eyes. 

“Oh, Quinn,” she said, her hands coming up to cup his face. The course hairs of his beard tickled her palms. “I think I’d probably move to the ends of the earth with you.” The words just fell out of her mouth, and once they were out there, spoken aloud for everyone to hear, she realized how true they were. For someone so practical, it was strange for her to have such a frivolous thought mean so much. 

His face split into a beaming smile, and he pulled her into a hug. Tucking his nose into her hair again, he let a few grateful tears fall. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you,” he said. 

“I don’t know either.” 

A sudden, surprised laugh barked from his chest, and he pulled back with a raised brow.

“Oh no,” her hand went to her mouth as a blush blazed over her cheeks. “I meant that I feel the same way.” Shaking her head, she wondered if she had ever said something so stupid. “You’re the most understanding, accepting man I’ve ever met, Quinn. I’m so glad the Universe brought us together.” 

He nodded, “me too.” 

Looking into his eyes, which seemed more hazel than usual to the point that she could almost see a ring of green near the iris, the reality of what was coming hit her square in the chest, “this summer is gonna fucking suck.” 

“I know,” he said, pulling her into his lap. 

Arms around his shoulders to bring herself closer, her feet hung awkwardly off the sides of the chair. Though she knew her toes would be tingling from lack of blood flow within a matter of minutes, she didn’t readjust, savoring the feeling of his solid chest against hers. 

The deep breath she sighed out moved her whole body against his. “We’ll get through it together, right?” 

Tightening his grip, Quinn agreed. 

As the minutes passed, his hands traveled over her back in slow, calming waves that put her totally at ease. 

“Do you have homework?” he asked quietly, almost as if he didn’t want to hear the question himself. 

“Yeah, but it can wait a while.”

A pleased little hum filtered up his throat, and he pulled her tighter against him. 

“Can we move to the couch, though?” she asked. “My feet are falling asleep.” 

Laughing, he stood, hands cradling her butt to keep her wrapped around him. When she hooked her ankles around his back, Quinn filed the position away to try later. 

Halfway up the stairs, Sarah unwound herself from him. Sure, he was an athlete, but carrying her up the stairs was still taking a toll. 

She lay down on the suede couch and held her arms open for him. He gratefully lay on top of her, his head on her chest. 

Running her fingers through his hair, Sarah replayed their relationship in her mind. Knowing what she knew now, both about Quinn’s celebrity status and his quiet nature, the fact that he came up to her at all was a miracle. He could have any woman in the city, and he’d stuck his neck out for her. It was overwhelming to think about sometimes. She hoped she was living up to his expectations. 

Half an hour later, Quinns phone chirped with a notification, bringing them out of their sleepy reverie. By that time, they’d switched places, and Sarah was draped over him. 

“It’s 6,” he whispered into her hair. “I’ve got to get up to make dinner.”

Even as she whined, Sarah pushed herself up. This soft, caring version of Quinn was always her favorite, and she didn’t want to let him go. “I love you,” she said, looking down at him.

“I love you, too,” he said, standing and hugging her to him again before they had to get back to real life.

Her arms tightened around him. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you, Quinn Hughes, but I’m so glad you’re mine.” 

Tucking his face into her neck, he pressed a few soft kisses there before telling her, “Sarah Roberts, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Want more Quinn & Sarah? Check out the Snapshots Masterlist

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[concentrateandpush]

I wouldn’t have left the house past 39 weeks if I didn’t need to, but my Grandfathers funeral wasn’t one I was willing to compromise on. We have the hospital bag in the car, but have agreed to get in the funeral car with my family to ride over to the parlour. Which I’m already uneasy about.

It’s a rough day already, but Mom is fussing over the flowers and my Grandma is worrying that family members from overseas won’t make it, my aunt, as usual is just sat there and there’s so many things to get ready.

“I’ve got that” I sigh as I go and help my Grandma with all of her things to take “it’ll be okay, you know, I know it’s not what you want to hear but he was 98 and is resting happily now” I say as I take her into my arms, rubbing her back “I’ve got you” I whisper. “You shouldn’t even be here, you’ve got enough happening.. I don’t want to rely on you to do anything” she tears up. “I want to do whatever I can” I assure her before heading off with her bag.

“Ready?” I sigh as we head out to the car. Luckily, my wife and I have a whole area on the back row and I look at her with a sigh “I don’t know why I agreed to the obituary” I say as I rub my bump in small circles. “You’ll be amazing, you always are” she smiles.

The journey is short and sweet but as we get to the roundabout, there’s a fuss from up front. “Wo-woahhh!” The driver shouts before we all get jolted back, jerking our bodies forward as the seatbelts pull us back. My heart jumps into my throat as I feel my body being tugged and thrown. “Baby!” My wife shouts as she turns to me, checking straight away on my facial expression. “I-I’m fine, I’m fine, are you?” I ask and she nods “I’m okay.. baby okay?” She asks and I rub softly feeling a little kick and I nod “baby’s fine”.

“Everyone okay?” The driver asks and everyone is fine, but when he gets out, he sees that all of the bonnet is crushed. “Okay, I need to order a taxi for all of you, on us obviously” he sighs heading off to call them and I look at my phone checking the time “we have twenty minutes”. “It’s a ten minute walk, can we just get there? Madge?” My wife asks my Nan and she nods but I feel the heaviness in my body grow. “Baby, I don’t know” I say quietly and she nods “okay, let’s see the taxi times”.

“They won’t be here for another twenty” he explains. I just get out of the car and start walking, knowing we have no choice. “Lena!” my wife, Blair calls and I look back “come on” I sigh.

The walk is quick but painful and I feel movements in places I haven’t felt them before. We get there with a few minutes spare and I find the nearest bench, sitting straight away and putting my hair up. “I like your hair down” Gran sighs and I shake my head “too hot” I mutter. “Baby, do you need water? Anything?” Blair asks and I just shake my head. “Back rubs” I say softly letting her give me some love.

“Family?” The director addresses and I look to Blair “I need a minute, you go in..” I sigh and know I have to go in. “Come on I’ve got you” she says holding her hand out. I stand up and as I do I feel my inner thighs warm up under my dress. “My waters” I mutter, grabbing the bench “My waters just broke” I whisper and they are met with so much pain in my back, I find myself bent over the bench taking long deep breaths.

“Not now baby, not now” I whisper. “Lena! Blair! Come on” Gran demands and I look to Blair pleading for help. “Right, let’s get you in there, I know you’d kill me if I let you leave” she sighs as she supports my back, guiding me in.

We are the champions by queen plays on the speakers as I walk towards the front row, passing people who notice the flushed colour of my skin and sweat droplets on my forehead. “Let me help” Blair whispers as we get to the seats and it’s a good thing she helps because I couldn’t have got down on my own.

The service is nice and luckily, the contractions are slow and I’m able to breathe quietly through them, but one hits so hard that all I feel I can do is open my legs a little and cry so I can let some frustration out, normal in a funeral I guess. “And Lena has some words to say..” the director announces. Shit.

I fumble up to the top, standing in front of the room filled with hundreds of friends, family and acquaintances of my Grandfather. Clearing my throat as I open the paper I start to talk. “My Grandfather would be over the moon with the turn out, he always said that-“ I start well but the pain comes over me like a wave. “He said that-“ I start and find my hands gripping the stand. “He-“ I mutter before I just buckle, my knees give out and I find myself being caught by the director as he lowers me to the ground.

“I’m here, sweetheart, I’m here” my wife announces as she gets to the front. The pain is making me pant uncontrollably and I’m not keeping it a secret anymore. “Do the speech” I mutter to her and she shakes her head “do it, please” I cry as I lean against a wall, panting and shaking.

She stands and delivers, better than I probably would have. Everyone is distracted anyway, by me, legs parted, sweating and panting, slightly covered by the coffin. The final music starts and I look up, seeing people leave, trying to catch a glance of what I’m doing. “I’m here, I’m here” she states as she comes to my attention. “I’ve called an ambulance” a member of staff announces and I just shake my head “there’s no time”.

“It’s okay, I’ve had 3, she’s had 2” the staff member says as she comes over. “Towels, water and scissors” she demands of the director and I look to my wife, tears in my eyes “thank you for doing that” I smile and she laughs, rubbing my belly and taking my underwear off. “Come on, let’s have a baby” she smiles.

“Shit, you’re.. like, open” she whispers as she gazes between my legs. “I know” I say as I grab my thigh, panting in and out. “Can I push?” I ask softly and she looks to the women “yes, you absolutely can” one of them laughs. “O-okay” I mumble as I scrunch my face up, taking a breath and baring down for the first time ever. “Nnnnggg” I groan quietly, feeling movement but no spreading.

“Okay, like you’re doing a poo” the woman smiles and I look to Blair grabbing her hand and squeezing “nngaahahh!” I cry out, taking some quick rounded breaths after letting it out. “Pick her leg up” one of the women demand to my wife and I shake my head “I need her” I moan and the other woman takes a leg, pushing back.

“Mmmphhh” I cry out “I can’t fucking do it” I cry and my wife smiles “You! Are Lena fucking Lovell, you can do anything” she laughs.

“Gaaaaah!” I cry, feeling myself split. “Am I tearing?” I ask and the woman between my legs shakes her head “I’m Mel” she laughs and I nod “thank you Mel” I smile before baring down again “ccccaaaaah!” I screech “that’s it, harder sweetheart, you’re doing it” she smiles and I shake my head before pulling my other leg back and giving everything I’ve got “GAAAHHH!” I cry out feeling a pop “fuck” I moan, trying to catch my breath.

“Heads here” she smiles “again” she demands and I shake my head “I need a break”. “You’re doing amazingly baby, you’re so beautiful” Blair smiles lovingly and I laugh, wiping my head. “I love you” I whisper and she smiles “I love you too”.

I find myself getting up onto my knees, leaning forward “sorry” I mumble and the woman smiles “you’re in control” she says softly.

“Fuck.. fu-UUHHH” I cry out, feeling the shoulders stretch me out “ohhhh, oh god” I moan, reading down “come on baby, come out” I whisper as I tug a little. “Come on, work with mommy” I whisper. “Baby, you catch” I instruct Blair as I hold on to the stand. “Ready?” I whisper before letting out a huge scream “aahhhhhhh!” I howl as I feel the baby leave my body and splash into my loves arms, followed by the sweetest cries.

“Oh my god..” she whispers “you did it” I hear her sob before the two women help me on to my back a little propped up. “It’s a boy” Blair grins, handing him to me “a boy” I grin, taking him into my arms “oh your great grandfather would love you” I smile. “Trevor?” My wife smiles, my grandfathers name. “Trevor?” I whisper to baby as I kiss Blair softly.

[zabala0z]

Welcome back to “listening to TMA S5 for the first time”, Im ur host and god.

MAG 165: Revolutions

HE SAID THE THING. “Ceaseless Watcher, turn your gaze upon this wretched thing” HE SAID THE THING!!! Since the start of these posts, I’ve seen that quote SO MUCH and I finally got to hear it. Guys. Do you know how annoying it was that I was in PUBLIC?? I couldn’t say shit!!

I’m very happy not Sasha is dead. Bye girl! I hate you. You took such a great girl from the world.

MAG 166: The Worms

I love Martin. He is SO DOWN for all this smiting. I wish Helen was allowed to tag along like guys come on :(( she’s just a silly girl.

Ah Annabelle. What’s your game here? I wish I knew. I wish I still had my 78 pages of notes but alas, I have school. She says she wants to help them. I don’t know with what but I can’t help but think about how The Web was one of the few entities who didn’t perform a ritual.

MAG 167: Curiosity

Gertrude Robinson. God. You are such a badass but maybe you should get like a nice nap. Emma Harvey was a dick. But understandable to a degree. Also!! There was a mention of the Sandman who featured in MAG 98! Also! Michael!

“Yes Martin you are my reason” oh god. These guys are so in love it makes me sick

MAG 168: Roots

Out of all the avatars, I think Oliver Banks is the coolest. He just…does his thing. Like I’d love to hang out with him. Oliver. My man. Come on

“I’m not going to kill a man just because you’re jealous”

“Why not?!”

I think Martin’s character development was the best. Like his support for Jons smiting is amazing. I’m also really interested in Oliver’s “report”. He was very thorough. I guess the entities fear dying as much as humans. Makes sense.

Okay. That’s everything. Sorry for the slow ass posts, these episodes are heavy and school is a pain 😭 I see the next episode is related to The Desolation. Fun fact, The Desolation terrifies me. So. We’ll see how that goes. I hope we’ll see Jude! I think she’s interesting and y’know she’s not dead yet. Until next time!

[bam-bi-buck]

Buck & Chris’s relationship + abandonment issues - long post

Do y’all think part of the reason Christopher went with his Grandparents is because he felt safe enough about Buck’s love and commitment to him that he knew Buck wouldn’t be mad at him when he came back?

Before I continue with that train of thought, this thought process is shaped by theories I’ve seen about why Chris called his Grandparents instead of Buck when Chris has gone to Buck for support with his anger/fear due to Eddie’s whole thing twice before (4x08 & 5x13) but he didn’t this time? Why? maybe because viewing him as a parental figure in this case impacts how he views Buck likelyhood to be completely on his side as his grandparents (especially Helena) are instead of being on both of their side - which he was

Chris was really angry and hurt, he didn’t want Buck to try to fix this, to try to keep them together, he wanted Buck to be angry at Eddie with him, but that’s not who Buck is and both Chris and Eddie know that

That’s why Eddie called him and Chris didn’t

Now back to Chris, his abandonment issues, and his relationship with Buck and how we can interpret it based off 7x10

Chris has severe abandonment issues, which is not surprising at all based on what he’s been through - Eddie being in active duty throughout his early childhood, then working himself to the bone with three jobs, Shannon leaving to California and then dying

Then he had feelings of abandonment during the pandemic, he lost contact with both Ana & Marisol after their relationships with Eddie ended, his bisabuela moved back to Texas, and we didn’t heard about Carla at all season 7 (I’m like 98% sure - please correct me if I’m wrong)

In season 7 he even said he feels like girls leave when Buck had that dating talk with him

(Even Buck technically left him for a bit, during the lawsuit era but I’m unsure is he views it that way or not though we do know that Chris missed him during that time - Grocery Store Divorce and all)

However, Buck has since made a promise to him and their relationship has evolved a lot since then

We know that Chris goes to Buck when he’s mad at Eddie (4x08) and there’s lot of evidence that indicates he views Buck as a parental figure (he talks to Buck in a similar fashion as he does Eddie, he seeks out Buck for support, the way he spoke to Buck while he was in a coma, just to name a few)

Plus there’s a reason Eddie chose Buck as Chris’s legal guardian and why the writers chose to include that plot

Because of Buck & Chris’s bond

And he lost his mom, he’s almost lost his dad several times, he’s gotten attached to two different women Eddie was seeing and has now lost them

When Chris ubered to Buck’s place and said that everyone leaves, Buck promised he wouldn’t leave Chris

And then when he talked to Chris before he left with his grandparents, Buck did flounder a bit (as would I in that situation, not judging here) but he does make a comment about understanding Chris wanting to go which would probably reassure Chris that Buck isn’t and won’t be mad at him

I think Chris would have had a harder time leaving if he was scared of Buck not being there when he got back

We all have our assumptions (mostly negative from what I’m seeing but I’m not judging I do too) but we don’t actually know what Helena’s saying to Chris, if she’s talking down Eddie’s love for him or not

But while it’s possible she is, Eddie told Chris himself that he can come home at any point he wants

We can also assume that part of why Chris left is because he’s mad + hurt and lashing out wanting Eddie to feel the same as him / doesn’t trust Eddie right now and is waiting for Eddie to do something to prove himself before he’ll be ready go home

I do believe that Chris knows that he can go home to Eddie (no matter what Helena may or may not be saying) and thus him leaving isn’t triggering his abandonment issues and that he’s just waiting for, as I theorized above, for Eddie to prove he won’t be hurt again if he does

and thus his abandonment issues won’t be triggered regarding Eddie (this time) unless he’s convinced he can’t go home, something happens with Eddie, or Eddie fails to prove himself to Chris

OR his abandonment issues were already triggered and he felt like he was losing Eddie (again) to Kim and her madness and he left as a means to protect himself from that, and is, again waiting for proof that he’s safe to come home from the aftermath of all that

All that to say I don’t think his abandonment issues would stop him from leaving Eddie with his grandparents in this particular instance

Ethier way though… because Chris has had a lot of experience of not having both his parents, losing parents, dealing with the fear of losing parents, and losing positive authority figures, it had to be really tough to leave Eddie himself, no matter how angry and hurt he is

And if I’m right and he does view Buck as a parental figure as well then we might assume he’d also fear losing Buck as well by leaving to Texas

I think his abandonment issues would have been triggered regarding Buck while living in Texas, especially since he’s probably always worried about losing Eddie to a certain extent (army, overworking himself in Texas, work as a firefighter, etc) he lost his mother twice, lost both Ana and Marisol who may not have been parental figures but were positive authority figures in his lives, except Buck promised Chris he wouldn’t leave him

And so I think independently of his feelings regarding abandonment and Eddie, Chris still feels secure in his relationship with Buck to not fear losing him during his time away

Just a theory and I could totally be off but it’ll be really interesting to see how they address everything when Buck and Chris reunite (if they do)

[kisses4mizu]

y’know I respect a fan’s choice about how they want to view mizu but tiny ramble about it here. this isn’t any sort of discussion or ‘matter of fact’ essay, just a simple rant about headcannons about her being TRANS and her SEXUALITY.

Warning: extremely long.

Given the numerous limitations that would arise from traveling as a woman, I find it very difficult to understand why some people believe Mizu is transgender when it's obvious that she is hiding this information in order to survive. This was particularly true during the Edo period, when women were dehumanized and treated like objects because we only ever see them as a slave or working in a brothel (majority of the show at least). They were also seen having to depend on men for nearly everything, as demonstrated in the episode where the mother and daughter were left outside to freeze to death since her husband was not present to accompany them. Along with that subtle hints were presented to us that show how comfortable she is when in touch with her femininity like a few moments in the episode where she came back to Swords-father Eiji’s hut. Though, I can definitely see why people would label her as transmasc with the theory that she must’ve grown so accustomed to this sort of lifestyle, she’d perhaps just become transmasc in the later episodes. We’ll never know!

Next, not gonna lie, I’m insanely guilty of viewing Mizu as a bisexual women despite feeling that she is leaning more toward heterosexuality in terms of her sexuality. I have the biggest fattest crush on her so I have no problem stating how much I'm crying and wailing over this. Like c’mon, let's be real, I guarantee that 98% of simps are female, and I’m sure every single one of us has mentioned once that we can all treat her better than Mikio and Taigen. Speaking of Taigen, I HAVE to admit that him and Mizu do have the best chemistry compared to everyone in the show. It’s clear in the way she pulls him away from those shooting arrows, knocks him out becahse she fears for his safety if he follows, saving him from Fowler's castle even though she could have easily just left him to die and slain Fowler, etc. At first, I would’ve assumed she’d have trauma with men especially after Mikio’s betrayal which might’ve led her to stray away from any romantic attraction with men—or anybody in general. Honestly, I have dedicated my time to search for ANY hint (ok not rlly) that she might be attracted to women, but the only time I ever see her become flustered by one is when she appears to be taken aback by the prostitues she tried to ask for directions to the Shindo Dojo. Plus, there were only two occasions where she interacted with Akemi that people use to automatically ship them which is when she saw Akemi in her carriage (not sure of the specific name) and pinned her down in Madame Kaji's brothel. I can’t imagine them as a couple in later episodes, something I’m been dying to see. Though, it’s hard to determine what was running in her mind during the scene where they both stole glances at each other, especially since there was no sort of indication in her inner thoughts or emotions, so it’s normal to assume the above as well. (Despite that, I’m still rooting for AT LEAST bisexual Mizu because for the love of god and for the sake of all of the gay women here, PLEASE. /j)

I may make jokes about these headcannons like playfully hating on the TaiMizu ships. All in all, I’m sure the fans are mature enough to understand that these are meant to be lighthearted jokes and that people interpret a character and show in various ways and it’s normal! Even if I can’t comprehend the theory or feel as though it is a little too complicated/really negotiable, remember to support what you want, ship what you want, make whatever headcannons, nobody’s stopping you! Don’t be too afraid to just announce what you feel about the show. All I ask is to avoid SERIOUSLY cancelling someone just because of their own feelings and opinions. In the end, they’re stilll fictional characters (😞😞) who have no sort of physical form of any sort so do whatever, as long as it isn’t really THAT problematic in a sense (e.g. romanticising rape), go for it.

(Sorry for bringing her sexuality into this, I’m aware of how the show is definitely not centering on this and not every single thing has to be LGBTQ-related but I noice it’s something constantly brought up in the fandom. As someone whose phrasing and essay writing skills suck, I’m still learning bit by bit about how the world works in terms of differing views on things. I may not support your idea of a character but I RESPECT it! If I came off as rude, I’m sorry, remember it’s just my random midnight thoughts🙏)

[monrohakay]

I would love to see hear more about your headcannon about nico

Have a good day

Oh my goodness, I could go on forever about him and what I imagine his backstory to be. I’m so sorry for how long this will be, but you’ve unleashed a can of worms and I thank you for that! So here we go!

It started with me being convinced that if Nico and Kai ever met, they would have a rivalry going on and Levi and Amelia would find it adorable yet slightly annoying cuz they get along so well. And Levi would tell Nico not to annoy his mentor’s partner, but Amelia would just laugh.

We don’t know much about where Nico’s from or his family, except that he’s not out to them even thou he was out to people in his daily life and they can be really critical. So I imagine he grew up in a traditional Korean Italian home (cuz Alex Landi is Korean Italian, and I have person experience with homophobic Italian family members so I’m projecting). He’s a middle child with two brothers. He gives off competitive energy that comes with having siblings, and kinda seems like he’s used to being overlooked and fighting for attention, like a middle child.

His older brother (I’m going to refer to him as Siwon since that’s who I imagine his actor to be) is something his parents deem successful, I’m thinking a lawyer cuz I want Nico to have a totally different career path then him. He was an honours student, always top of his class. He has a beautiful wife (who he met in highschool), a son and a daughter on the way. His life is perfect in his parents eyes. He’s maybe two or three years older than Nico. Nico always felt like he was in his brother’s shadow, but he respected and looked up to him. I feel like their parents would constantly be comparing the two, like “Siwon was valedictorian, are you going to be?” and “Nico was nominated for homecoming king, are you nominated for prom king?”

His younger brother (referred to as Rowoon for the same reason as his older brother) is five or six years younger, and he’s spoiled by their parents. While they’re critical of the older two, the youngest is their pride and joy and they don’t mind him doing whatever he wants because the other two are successful enough. Rowoon loves Nico and idolizes him in almost the same way that Nico did with his older brother. But Nico is much kinder and receptive to it, and he’s always supportive to Rowoon. I think Rowoon would have much more natural talent and smarts, so he doesn’t have to work as hard as the other two and he has a lot less pressure. While the other two were expected to have a 98-100% average in everything, Rowoon’s sitting at like 95% and their parents are still proud of him.

Nico was raised with traditional catholic Italian and Korean views being shoved at him. So when he starts realizing he might like boys, it’s not exactly something he can come out and say or act on while he’s living with his parents. He probably wanted to go into sports, (likely baseball or soccer, but we’ll go with baseball cuz of his job with the mariners) rather then law or med school. He played baseball in highschool, getting scholarships to play for a few varsity teams. Only for his parents to push him to go to law school like Siwon, which he reluctantly agrees, figuring he can go in to sports law.

While Nico is in his last year of highschool, early on in the year, he meets this boy who he has a crush on. And they start seeing each other in secret. Until one night Siwon catches them, probably the cliche making out in Nico’s room when his brother barges in and freaks out. He kicks the boy out and tells Nico he needs to stop seeing him. Nico says he will as long as his brother doesn’t tell their parents and Siwon agrees, saying their parents can never find out. But having Siwon react in such a negative way ruins the image Nico had of him. So he decides he doesn’t want to go to law school, he wants to persue baseball mostly in defiance.

His parents hate that idea, and really push for him to still go to law school. He ignores them and does start to persue baseball in his undergrad, taking one of the scholar ships he was offered. He’s incredibly talented so while they aren’t happy, his parents still support him as long as he continues to be one of the best players on his team and maintains his high grades.

In his first year he gets an injury, something that requires surgery to fix. But the surgery goes wrong, and his career in baseball is over before it could ever really start. Despite pushing himself with physio and working as hard as he can to get back to being able to play, it’s just not possible in the time frame he would need for professional sports. He takes it incredibly hard, and while Rowoon is his major support system, his parents and Siwon treat it like a failure. So Nico decides to go to med school, to become an orthopaedic surgeon and make sure no one else has to go through what he did. His parents are ecstatic about the change, and it’s the first time he feels like they’re actually proud of him.

He quickly catches up, becoming top of his classes. He thrives in university, coming out to his friends and he’s genuinely happy.

But he still feels like he has to hide who he is when he’s at home and he hates it. He never has a boyfriend for long, because then he’d have to deal with bringing them home and coming out. It never mattered cuz he hadn’t met anyone he wanted to be with long term. But it’s still a massive part of his identity that he’s hiding from his parents and Rowoon, still scared they’d react in the same way his Siwon did. And while he would probably come out to his parents and risk it, he doesn’t want to loose Rowoon or put him at odds with their parents, especially while he’s still living with them.

So years later when he meets Levi, he doesn’t want to have to hide who he is in the only place he can be open. He’s hypocritical because he thinks Levi doesn’t have as much to loose as Nico and he sees it as wasted opportunity. And Nico doesn’t want to be that highschool boy his brother kicked out of his room all those years ago. He doesn’t want Levi to be ashamed of him like Nico was of that boy, and he doesn’t want the memories of being ashamed of himself and who he was to come back while Levi discovers his own sexuality.

Nico’s never had someone he cares that much about, never wanted to actually bring someone home to meet his parents or his brothers. But then he falls hard for Levi and suddenly it’s turning serious and he doesn’t know what to do about it. So he’s awkward and hypocritical and a pretty terrible boyfriend at times, but he is trying.

Then he accidentally kills a patient. And Siwon is showing up to make sure legally he doesn’t get in trouble. His parents find out through Siwon, and they seem disappointed which only adds to his pain. And Levi being overbearing while Siwon is in town doesn’t help, because he doesn’t want his brother to find out he has a serious relationship with a man. He’s also not good with emotions, or people seeing him when he’s emotional, which is why he pulls away so much.

And then the pandemic happens and he really misses Levi. He knows he’s not emotionally ready to commit to anyone yet, and they aren’t really good for each other at the time. But he figures if he can have Levi in any way he’s going to take it, cuz the world is a mess and he needs some kind of happiness. When Levi basically gives him the ultimatum of serious relationship or nothing, he chooses serious relationship. Because he doesn’t want to loose Levi, and it’s a huge wake up call that he really does care about someone in a way he never had before.

I think Levi pushing Nico away after he opened up to Levi hurt, really bad. Cuz Nico had never let himself be that vulnerable with another person, and he didn’t know how to cope with that. So he gave Levi the space that he wanted when he went through a similar experience. Not really realizing that Levi needed him to be there and to fight for them, until Levi told him. But even though he’s come so far and started to unravel his closed off, emotionless persona adopted by someone who’s parents didn’t let them be a child, Nico knows he can’t give Levi what he wants, not when he’s still dealing with his own internalized homophobia and inability to be honest with himself and his family. He thinks Levi deserves someone who is ready to be all in, and even though he thought he could be, that’s not him, not yet.

Nico saying his default is numb is really telling that he can’t process his feelings right away, he suppresses them. Which would make sense if he’s grown up with critical parents that expect him to be perfect all the time. He wouldn’t know how to deal with failure or rejection, because he’s never had the luxury of doing any of those things. Even loosing his ability to play baseball professionally wouldn’t have been a failure to him, because it led him to being a surgeon which his parents were much happier about. And I think that reflects in his relationships too, that when there’s any kind of conflict he just shuts down, he goes numb. He either gets overly agreeable or he pulls away from the situation entirely. And I think he started to realize that it’s not a healthy coping mechanism after his talk with Levi in the elevator.

So he jumps at the opportunity to leave and work for the Mariners. It’s a dream job, it’s one of the reason he decided to go to med school in the first place, and it gives him and Levi space to figure themselves out. It lets Levi experience different relationships and find himself, while Nico learns to deal with his emotions and not suppress them. But while he’s there, he finds out he hates it. He doesn’t like having to tell these athletes that their careers are over, he doesn’t like feeling like he failed him when there was nothing he could do. It reminds him of when he was going through the exact same thing. Even if his success rate is the highest it’s ever been, he still doesn’t think he’s good enough. Saving fifty patients doesn’t mean anything if there’s even one he can’t.

And then Rowoon finishes his undergraduate and moves out of their parents house. He goes to visit Nico and they have a long talk about what Rowoon wants to do with his career. He decided a long time ago that he wanted to follow in Nico’s footsteps and go in to medicine. And while he’s visiting, he sees that Nico’s background is still a photo of him and Levi, so Rowoon asks if that’s Nico’s boyfriend. And Nico is shocked because he didn’t know Rowoon knew. They have a heart to heart, and Nico realizes he doesn’t have to hide who he is anymore. Even if his parents aren’t happy with him, he has his little brother’s love and support, which is all that’s ever really mattered to him anyway. And even if he isn’t perfect, there are still people who will love him.

So he leaves his job and goes back to Grey-Sloan, mostly because he preferred it, but also with the hope that he and Levi can at least be friends again. He wins Levi back, and finally introduces him to Rowoon. And to show Levi he really has changed, that he really is committed to their relationship, he invites Levi to his parent’s for Christmas dinner. It goes over horribly, his dad almost kicks them out and only relents to letting them stay when his mother says they can at least finish dinner, as it’s the holidays. It’s worth it to see the look of horror on Siwon’s face when he says Levi is his boyfriend, and the look of admiration Rowoon gives him when he holds Levi’s hand as they say goodbye.

I think Nico coming back this next season will be him saying I was just trying to give you space, but I always loved you and I will always be here for you when you’re ready. It’s kind of a repeat of the last time they got back together, but I’m hoping it’ll stick this time and they can have their happy ending. If nothing else, I just want them to keep his personality somewhat consistent.

I’ll finish with my Kai vs Nico thing that started it all! We never learn where he went to school, or how old he is. We can guess he’s early 30’s when he’s first introduced (I’m assuming he was on track with the norm, so when he’s introduced, he’s in his fellowship and he’d be 30-31). What we know about Kai (thanks to my best friend who has an incredible memory) is they went to John Hopkins a few years after Amelia. E.R. is only a year older then Alex, which I’m taking to mean their characters are a year apart as well. So we’ll say Nico is 31 when he’s introduced, meaning Kai would be 32.

While they wouldn’t have much overlap if Nico went to med school at John Hopkins while Kai was going for their phd, they could have very well done their undergrad at the same university and that’s where I think the rivalry would have started.

Kai is smart as hell, and I have no doubt they would be top of their classes. I think depending on the class it would go back and forth, but I really do think Kai would be beat Nico more often and he would hate that. It’s a healthy rivalry, there’s no actual animosity. I see them both as fun and sarcastic people, so I think they’d have amazing banter. And someone like Kai being smarter then Nico wouldn’t bother him as much, because they just have this aura that makes them impossible to hate? Even thou Nico is really frustrated that someone scored higher on a test, he wouldn’t really be too hard on himself if it’s Kai that beat him.

Because I can see him being really upset with himself the first time it happens, and he swears it will never happen again. So he pushes himself even harder for the next test and he does beat Kai. And then Kai would give the most relaxed non-reaction, would probably even congratulate him, and Nico wouldn’t know how to process that. He’s be so used to Siwon taking any loss so poorly, that someone being almost happy for him beating them is too foreign for him to comprehend. It would be the first step to Nico relaxing a little bit on his perfect persona, and allowing himself to slip. Which sets him up for when we meet him in the show, he’s a lot more chill and easy going, but still guarded.

This is so long omg, I’ll start to wrap it up!

Flash forward to Nico and Levi dating, and Kai and Amelia dating (no they never broke up in my head, they’re happy and will be for the rest of their lives, it’s fine. But even if they did, they found their way back to each other like Nico and Levi). Every time Kai comes to visit Amelia, they bicker with Nico. And no one knows it’s light hearted except the two of them. It would stress Levi out, thinking Nico was fighting with his mentor’s partner. I like the idea of Levi going in to general surgery, so while Amelia isn’t wouldn’t be the head of his department, she will always be a mentor figure to him and someone he respects.

Flash forward again, Rowoon does follow in Nico’s footsteps and comes to Grey-Sloan for his internship. He starts off thinking he’ll go in to ortho like his brother but quickly finds he gravitates more towards neuro. And then Kai comes to work on a project with Amelia, and they pick Rowoon to help them out. And he loves the research aspect of their project. He starts looking into it more and more. And ultimately decides, with the help of Kai, to switch into neuroscience rather then complete his surgical internship.

Nico is of course devastated that his little brother chose to work with Kai over him. But he’s a good older brother and supports everything Rowoon does, even if it means listening to him talk about how amazing Kai and the research they’re doing is for hours.

That’s all I got. Thank you anon for asking about his backstory and thanks to anyone who read this far! I would love to hear your thoughts on his backstory too, or any general greys thoughts you might have!

[i-eat-nail-polish]

Hey I’m gonna probably post more serious stuff because I need to have discussions with people about Palestine. For one I live in an area and am surrounded by people who aren’t pro Palestinian. They don’t take anything surround boycotts or information in general about the genocide serious at all because it doesnt effect them. It’s starting to wear on me because there’s no one to cope (idk if that’s the right word) with what I see online on a daily basis. Ever since mid October or so? (When the tik tok algorithm caught up with the time) I’ve seen countless atrocities that I’ve only ever seen in video games or movies played out in real life against real people. I learned what real bombs sound like both far away and up close because of these videos. Lately I’ve also started to dream about being trapped in Gaza with that feeling of death looming. It sounds dramatic but it’s true. Every day I’m thankful that I’m constantly shown information about Palestine and surrounding Arab countries and I’m also in shock. I’m in shock for a few reasons. 1: I’ve watched for months now, a country, a land and it’s people go through something worse than hell and nobody around feels the same sadness and basic human empathy. No one cares to take in that there’s a massive loss of life and culture and future for whatever reason. It’s gut renching to think about it. 2: I can’t help beyond witnessing and documenting. It seems stupid and corny to think that we’re privileged to have phones but documenting this horrible event through a phone camera is so incredible for history. It just feels almost insulting that that’s all I can do as a poor college student in America. Yes, I can call my representatives which thankfully where I live do support a free and liberated Palestine, but others won’t even do much as think about their constituents. It’s hard because it feels like we’re trying to move a volcano with plastic beach shovels. So all we can do is sit and save videos before social media giants take them down. 3: coming to terms that nobody looks out for each other on a large scale. Because I follow now many journalists from various sectors ranging from on the ground in Gaza to political scientists giving me lessons on the United Nations history, I’m shocked at how all of it is fake. Nothing makes sense anymore. You’re telling me because 2 countries won’t vote on a ceasefire but 98% do we can’t move on with it? Why does the US get privileges that to my limited knowledge no one else has the same power leverage as. How has nobody else stepped in when MANY war crimes are being committed. Why do they even exist if countries are never seriously prosecuted? Why even have rules if you can’t follow them? It’s disheartening to watch but I can’t give up hope. I’m not giving up hope because that’s all we have. I may not have direct ties to Palestine but as if needless suffering is enough for me to care, I care especially for the queer family in Gaza. They are as much apart of the queer family as my roommates are. I don’t know if and when we lose LGBTQ+ people in Gaza but I know it’s happening so I cry for the loss of our family. I need to see an end to this. I need to. I don’t know how to process any of what I’ve witnessed or feel right now or even what else I can do to help stop a genocide. I need to talk to people so please may you strike up conversation. Correct me in any place, tell me about the latest boycotts, show me protests. Please converse we have to keep hope alive.

[sydneyofalltrades]

RTC headcanons: Penny/Jane Doe Edition!

FOR CONTEXT! I don’t believe the Penny from RTC is Penny Lamb from Legoland, so headcanons about her will probably be skewed compared to Legoland canon :)

Penny has so many bandaids everywhere. Her arms, her nose, her legs. It’s not that she gets into a bunch of fights but she’s just so clumsy and never looks before she leaps

Penny can play the ukulele, guitar, and violin. She loves string instruments and has had a few duets with Noel

Penny wasn’t always strictly religious, but over time she found comfort in religion. She still supports people outside her religion and is genuinely kind to all

Jane Doe had around a few hours before the rest of the choir was brought to the warehouse, so she asked Karnak who she could possibly be, even trying to get any former fortune he could have given her, only to come up short

When Penny first arrived at Uranium her mothers gave her a new doll. It was a crocheted doll of herself, and although she did adore it, she preferred her parents’ vintage doll with blond curls and big black eyes

When Penny died, she had her doll tucked in her uniform, so Jane Doe, after realizing she was in limbo, found the one thing that she felt drawn to and used it as her own head

Penny is a lesbian, and had the biggest crush on Constance before they died. She also developed a crush on Ricky, but she was too shy to tell either of them

Jane Doe is a cat fanatic, something she doesn’t understand, but Penny loved all breeds of cats and that love made it to Jane

Penny will eat cheese with anything. Like her mac and cheese obsession, she just really loves cheese. The others are genuinely worried for her gut, but she assures them it’s fine (it’s not)

Jane Doe only has feelings relating to Penny’s life, no memories. As such, when she says, “No parents came” a stab of pain shot in her chest, for reasons she never understood

After Penny came back, it took her some time to remember who she was. But as Jane Doe had no recollection of her life, Penny now has no recollection of her death. She doesn’t know why the choir means so much to her if she wasn’t so close with much of them

Penny actually went up to Ricky and signed a little for him when they met. She just signed “Hi, I’m Penny!” and she and Ricky became really fast friends

Penny never understood why Noel loved old French movies, but she does enjoy watching them with him, he gets so excited and dramatic and it makes her laugh

Pen and Mischa never really interacted when they were alive. Sometimes she’d tell him some fun facts and sometimes he’d help her out with bullies, but they didn’t really have that much of a connection

Penny avoided being a subject of Ocean’s superiority complex by just doing whatever she asked, being quick to comply, so Ocean never said anything about her

Penny was bullied a lot for being adopted, but she always brushed it off with a quick-witted response and sometimes she’ll punch someone in the nose

Penny is the definition of luck. Last minute exam studying? She’ll have perfect marks in the end. Forgot something important? There’s always a chance Penny will have it or will find an easy way to get it. Lost something? Penny will look around for .98 seconds and find exactly what you’re looking for

If Pen was incredibly lucky, Janey is incredibly unlucky. As she’s the opposite of Penny, everything around her always fails and never works the way she wishes

Penny’s mothers were devastated when they learned their daughter wasn’t coming back from the fairground. They told everyone in Uranium about Penny, but no one seemed to remember her, or really care. When Penny came back, this never existed as she was surprisingly the sole survivor of the accident

Penny always regretted covering her face in pictures after she came back, because her memories with the choir were few, and any picture she saw of them with her always had her hand or an object covering her face

Jane Doe was aroace, yet felt an urge to be around Constance and Ricky. After Ricky gave her a name, Savannah, a feeling similar to friendship formed in her chest, is if she knew Ricky, as if she cared for them

For Penny’s seventeenth birthday, she had a masquerade-esqe party and asked every guest to wear a mask. The choir complied and came in masks and had a wonderful time. Penny didn’t tell anyone it was because of her hatred of seeing herself in pictures, but when she looked back on the pictures of that night, there was one where all six of the choir’s faces were revealed, including her own, laughing with them. That now is her favorite picture, and she keeps it with her forever

[chirpsythismorning]

I think it is very probable that the Duffers won't stop the production or filming, and that their support for the strike will just remain in... words, rather than direct action. Realistically the Duffers are tied to Netflix, they literally are the producers of the biggest show (on Netflix) now, and they're already getting paid... a lot and the fact that they are tied to Netflix makes it VERY unlikely for them to stand up against Netflix. I just cannot imagine a scenario like that, lol. So yeah, it is controversial and sad, but if we are considering the situation from a realistic POV... I can see the duffers not exactly standing up against Netflix.

It’s possible!

I do wonder if they’re going to announce filming starting then? Because official Netflix/ST accounts usually make a post the day filming starts to let the fans know it has officially commenced.

Although it is a cause for celebration for fans, it’s… going to look really bad in the eyes of those supporting the strike, which is 98% of writers and basically everyone that isn’t the top 1% in the industry.

I know the Game of Thrones spin-off or whatever announced that they’re going to start filming despite the strike and they’re getting a lot of negative press from not just those in the industry but also fans who are scared that the quality of the show is gonna suffer.

It’s common knowledge that the shows that did continue production during the last strike dipped in quality bc they were not able to have rewrites while filming. Stuff like actors improvising and adding their own lines and directors or just anyone coming in to fill that role of the writers on strike is highly frowned upon. You’re essentially dubbed a snake who is taking the side of the corporations and saying fuck you to those that are trying to fight for decent pay.

It does make me wonder if they’re so quiet about filming potentially starting in May and maybe they won’t even officially announce it, because they don’t want to sour the reputation of the show by giving the impression they aren’t supporting the strike, but are instead directly going against it.

To be fair, there are certain individuals in the production that have literally no choice but to work bc of their contracts. Like I know Disney just announced that show runners and other people in that type of position are required to return to their productions for non-writing duties. And I know that applies to a lot of people in the production that aren’t writing. So to a lot of folks, even if you wanted to strike, you can’t bc it’s against your contract.

It’s just unfortunate that not only are they risking the quality of the show not being it’s best, they’re also risking the shows reputation. There are 100% going to be people boycotting the HOG and ST knowing that it had production going during the strike. And if it god forbid did end up not being very good at certain points, we’d never hear the end of it..

And the fact that it’s likely to be very byler heavy potentially…. That should be something people on here consider as opposed to just praying for filming to start bc we want bts asap.

Even if filming started tomorrow, there’s no guarantee we’re getting blurry bts anytime soon. Especially if they only have a few people on set not only bc of the strike and the fact that maybe a lot of people won’t be there out of solidarity, but also bc it’s probably going to be a skeleton crew working to avoid spoilers.

If we’re lucky, the strike would end sooner than later and we could see some bts floating around in the next 2-3 months, but I just don’t see that happening rn. A lot of experts are saying that Netflix in particular can afford to hold this out for months, bc they’ve got a full backlog for the next two years when it comes to releases on their platform.

How does ST fit into that, I’m not exactly sure. But if they’re not putting any pressure on Netflix, then we’ll know based on Netflix’s behavior about the situation. All it would take is the ST production to give them a lot of pressure to make an impact, and I agree that is the very reason that Netflix probably prepared for that scenario. It’s likely it’s written in the Duffer’s contracts that they have to continue in the scenario of a strike, so even if they wanted to support it, they’re stuck.

It sucks but yeah it’s very likely that whatever is filmed during the strike will put a bad taste in the critics and audiences mouths. Unfortunately it’s likely to be byler related soooo yeah that does suck for those of us that are already prepared for the homophobic backlash.

In a perfect world streamers would stop being greedy and just give the writers 3% like they’re asking. It’s literally nothing in the grand scheme of things. These corporations are making billions and they can’t give their writers 3%… like… no wonder they’re not dropping this until something changes bc it’s fucking pathetic.

A lot of these writers live in Los Angeles and are making like 70k a year, in a city where that is not at all a live-able wage bc of rent prices being crazy. Also they need representation which drops their salary to like 46k… These people are being paid nothing and then bc streamers don’t compensate for residuals like they used to when a tv episode re-aired on tv, all they get is the pay for making it and that’s it… that’s not sustainable and if they don’t stand up to this bs now, future generations of writers are going to be fucked. The prospects of AI coming in and taking all their jobs is also closing in. It’s a shitty situation.

I’m at a point now though where I’ve went from being excited about filming to start, to sort of dreading it, knowing that the writers are against it and that it’s going to make a lot of resentments for the production going forward. It’s not going to be pretty.

[hero-israel]

To you, I don’t expect that “90%” to change based on what you have told me, what I know, and what I have learned. I still find both Liberia and Israel to be audacious things that needed more thought and planning. That could have been executed in better ways as you have pointed out in the past.

To the other anon, NO we did not ASK for Liberia. As Hero-Israel pointed it Liberia was a idea created by white people to get us out. There was a protest organized by black activists against it. There were books written against it. HOWEVER people still went some of them were free black people and the others were enslaved. The movement is largely considered a failure. There were a lot of reasons for it, the lack of knowledge of the land, lack of knowledge of the language, the wars (why were their wars if the land was purchased… people lived there), and disease that the immune system of these people where not prepared for. Failure. From what I’ve heard like 5% of the people there are descendants from the original AA. So YES between living with the racist people of the 1800s who wanted them gone and/or being enslaved a minority of already free people went and a lot of enslaved people went. I am still going to say we didn’t ASK for it even if people “took advantage” I’m 98% pretty sure AA didn’t create the idea, that doesn’t mean people did not go.

During the 20th century there was a movement that supported going back to Africa and still few people left. I actually would LOVE to live in Africa but NOT by force. I HAVE reconnected to my family in Africa specifically in Ghana.

It was all discouraged and not supported? But it still happened and happens, you admitted that it still happens. You’re not all evil, to think an entire population is evil (including myself) is stupid. Maybe you specifically are delusional because the reality of war is that these things did happen at some points, we have soldiers that attested to it.

Israel was not built from nothing we have photos showing that it was not a desert in the middle of nowhere and we have records. There were people living there the Ottoman Empire was ruling the land before it collapsed you think they built nothing there? There was a airport.

What people were imprisoned? Look it up. You seem to know so much, if I look it up I get the answer that thousands of Palestinians were prisoners of war. Maybe that’s wrong, maybe you’ll find something that says absolutely no one was ever imprisoned.

I am Jewish as well (I’m mixed descended from mixed people) my family got a invite back to Spain because we were chased out during the inquisition, even if I wasn’t Jewish I’m allowed a opinions on things. My opinion is a grand both things are audacious and poorly executed.

For the furniture thing I was referring to our hair being used to stuff pillows, you know things still found at thrift stores today. I’ve heard about the human leather but I’ve never seen proof. I might believe it considering everything else but whatever. Perhaps I should have pointed to how you could rent our babies for 2 dollars and use them as gator bait, that there’s postcard for it.

You got your knickers in a twist and made a whole lot of assumptions about me. I do know about the push for America-Liberian settlement, it was failure. I do know about Zionist history apparently more than you, considering you didn’t know people were imprisoned.

Fair to include a retort from the original anon.

[thirdeyeblue]

Don’t mean to be intrusive but why do you engage with tenrose and rose haters?? All these tenm/rtha fans that you’ve been reblogging slander Ten, Rose and their relationship. And they pretend to support 9/Rose to not look so bad, but it’s sheer hypocrisy, they are straight up Rose antis in disguise and you can tell that because they always say they love “s1 Rose specifically” (which usually it’s said by people who hate Rose but don’t want to look bad, so they come up with that ‘I used to love Rose in s1 but she became so selfish, annoying and awful in s2’), then they call tenrose ‘shallow’ and ‘forced’, ‘downgrade from Nine/Rose’, ‘irritating’ etc. It’s also not rare to see them mocking Tentoo by calling him “a clone”, and dishing TentooRose. Don’t mind you liking the ship, but its fanbase don’t deserve our attention.

First of all, I apologize for the lengthy thought vomit in advance — I just woke up!

To be 100% honest with you, I’m such a casual Tumblr user that I’m a bit of a sweet summer child, here. 98% of my fandom engagement happens on Discord. 😅 I have occasional days that I might scroll for 15-20 minutes, but it’s usually more like a few minutes, if at all. This website stresses me out, makes me insecure, etc.

My point is: I don’t actually know any of the assorted tumblr beefs floating around, and I don’t really care. I try to avoid “anti discourse” like the plague if I do (see above: stresses me out)— So if I’ve been reblogging haters, it’s gone right over my head, because I just don’t think about it. It’s one of those “if I don’t see it, then whatever” things. I’d rather just be kind to everyone unless I’m given a reason not to (e.g. someone being a piece of shit to one of my friends)(which I probably wouldn’t have seen anyway).

Also… I’m not the most prolific person or anything. I don’t have a lot of followers, I came to game late, etc, so I didn’t necessarily think anyone cared one way or another what I was posting? For real, I feel a bit invisible on Tumblr most of the time 😂 I didn’t realize anyone would look twice at me reblogging something from an apparent “hater” when they can obviously look at my page and figure out what I’m really about. I’ve got a petition to bring back Tentoo, FFS, obviously I don’t deliberately subscribe to any anti-TenRose nonsense.

I’ve been told by a friend (one who is far more enmeshed in Tumblr than I am) that most T/M shippers hate Rose. So inherently, yes, I’m aware of that much — and realize that if I get one of the “based on your likes!” posts from someone who is clearly out there shipping that pairing specifically, they probably don’t care for my actual OTP… But if I’m reblogging something by one of these people with these blissful blinders on, I’d much rather look at it like “perhaps they’ll realize not all T/R girls are bad, and they’ll be nicer to them” as opposed to “I’m engaging with haters”.

Anyway — apologies if I upset you by supporting these people who’ve bummed you to anyone else out 💖 That wasn’t my intention, all I ever wanna do is spread love.

PS: The whole T/M subject is already a hairy one for me, because I didn’t even ship them at all (and I mean at all) until I was well into writing a fic about them. It just sort of happened organically/accidentally, and then I was like “Shit.” That being said, if you see my posts, you can probably tell that I’m extremely selective about what T/M stuff I do share here. I try not to reblog anything too shippy of them, because I do know my audience, even if it’s not a huge audience. My focus was always more “don’t reblog super romantic shit”, not “don’t reblog that user specifically”. If that makes sense. 😅

[anonnie-in-wonderland]

hi! i recently came across the Home Calls the Heart series and i really love it! but i wanted to know when would you be posting the remaining chapters. i mean to not pressure you but i just noticed that you stopped the series in december 2022 and i have really gotten hooked on the series so i just wanted to know.

thank you! <3

Hello

Since you took the time to send an ask I want to be sure I’m answering as well as I can. I do understand being really excited to know when more of a story is coming, as I’m a reader as well as a writer. I do understand it’s been a while, and honestly I never expected Home Calls the Heart to get the feedback and attention that it did, it was kind of written out of whimsy because of a prompt I couldn’t get out of my head.

But…I do want to say kindly that while it might not be your intention, there is pressure associated with asking someone when they will post the rest of their work. These chapters sort of require me to get in a writing mood, to sit down and type out each scene according to my outlines, to edit the finished product, post on tumblr, etc…well, you get the gist. They require a commitment. It would require me giving a timeframe, and that’s something I’ve always been upfront in saying I just don’t feel comfortable doing.

Too many things fluctuate for me in real life, and it would put me in a position to either let down readers, or stress myself out by rushing to meet a deadline even when that’s not feasible for me. I am a full time college student and I also work and also write and maintain an AO3 account with non k-pop stories so for all those reasons I can’t give you any answers other than saying assume everything is going to be continued in time, whenever it can be, unless explicitly stated otherwise.

Also, I am happy you like my story, and a humble suggestion to show support and keep me motivated would be reblogging from time to time as it could help the story reach others. Also, chatting about what you enjoyed about the story either in the comments of the post or in an ask (such as this one!) is always welcomed! I get so very few asks and comments related to the contents of my fics as 98% of them are about wanting to be put on a tag list or wanting to know when and if updates are coming.

And this is not me scolding you or angry in anyway, just offering up suggestions about how we can sort of help each other out. 😊 This goes for all my readers and anyone who enjoys my blog, because you are not the first person whose asked me and likely won’t be the last so I’m just addressing everyone via your ask here but you are not being singled out.

So, yes…engagement is really motivating for me personally! There’s nothing like the rush of motivation I get when someone tells me specifically what they liked about what I wrote, what they expect will happen next, things like that.

Anyway, I probably didn’t give the answers you were looking for, but I do hope you continue to enjoy my writing~

[announzingforya]

New Intro Post!!

Hello! Local multifandom individual here, aka Mist. I’m just here to be here! This post has a whole bunch of stuff, including my interests, a DNI list, important information and more!

But first, some askable ocs and other blogs I own! (If you wanna ask an oc, please specify who it’s for! It’d be appreciated.)

* Fay — Open * Cayleb — Open * Chip — Open * Devin — Open * Hex / Hexa — Open

(Some info about the ocs can be found here!)

Next, blogs I own!

@pixilatedbitmap (yes I know pixelated is spelled wrong I don’t know how to change it), an ask and rp blog for a JSAB oc!

@sillydigitalpeople, an ask blog for two TADC ocs!

But, anyways, all of the info you need is under the cut! (it’s a bit long, sorry)

Alright, so, hi! The name’s Mist, as shown above. I love plenty of stuff, and some of this stuff is…:

* Object Shows (I’ve been in the fandom for 2 or 3 years now!) * Just Shapes and Beats [JSAB / JS&B] * The Pink Corruption [TPC] * Pikuniku * Bugbo * TADC [The Amazing Digital Circus] * PA [Project Arrhythmia] (Newest interest!)

[This is going to be updated at some point!]

============================

DNI List

Okay, so, there’s quite a few things that are in my DNI list. These things are:

* Anyone who falls under basic DNI criteria (Homophobic, transphobic, ableist, xenophobic, etc) * TERFs (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist) * Support problematic creators * Anyone over the age of 18 * NSFW (In terms of sexual content) blogs * Enforce your religion strongly onto others / believe it’s the only correct religion and shame anyone who believes anything else

[This will, most likely, also be updated at some point.]

============================

Important Info

I personally think people should know certain things that I do online before interacting with me. Some of this important info is:

* I’m a minor! I have school, although I may check this before I go to class or recess. * I use tone tags, so if you’re confused with tone, ask! I’ll add tone tags / confirm what tone I’m using if you need it. * I love to use text emoticons!

(Ex - :3, :P, :], :D, etc [By the way, this is on another line because for some reason the colon part (: <- that) bolds and I can’t change it for some reason.])

* I may hyperfixate on things, but not all of my interests may appear often on my account. * I’m very irritable / get angry easily. * I curse sometimes! * It’s common to see my profile picture and theme change; don’t be too surprised! I do it a little often. * I’m 80% sure I have ADHD, but I have not been diagnosed, so I cannot be sure. * Possible Quintagon synpath! * I do have another account, it’s just inactive! The “at” (@) is @m1st-ig.

============================

Tags

* Mist’s Art [Art posts] * Mist’s Ask Responses [Responses to asks] * Mist’s Shenanigans [For when I post stupid shit / shitposts]

(I’ll most likely add more tags onto this as time goes by, these two are simply the only ones I have right now.)

============================

Extra Information

As the subheading states, this is for extra information. It’s scattered and random, but it’s here!

* I listen to some weird music. I have an odd music taste * I play roblox! My username is “TheGreenMist2021”, my display may change though. * If you follow me and I haven’t interacted with you, there’s a 98% chance that I will check out your account (and I may reblog / like some stuff)! * I think I have too many ocs…… (/sarc, I definitely have too many. I don’t know what to do with them)

[sincerely-krp]

very /gen answer. but rupes has always been tied with the insidigm admins because every time a conversation about how shitty the admin team is, suddenly someone will bring up rupes for no reason. this doesn't just happen in vent blogs, this also happens in private chats and conversations with literate roleplayers who were in one or a few or all of these groups. / this, like it’s not venomous but these accusations are always said like they’ve been proven and the muns are set on their decision. when i think about it i feel like there’s not much a krp can do to grow when no one knew their side of the story, which just goes back to things people on here said already, that the insidigm clique knew they were counting on the rupes admin team being mature about this for their gossip to spread, and also that when it comes to groups that actually stay away from the blogs we still don’t respect them.

i have to agree, begrudgingly, that gossip blogs have become a source of info for people in the community. but it also says something that contrary to the previous situations with insidious and paradigm, there’s no chaos for this issue. no one angry at the misinformation being spread is using this convo to blatantly spam their vents about insidious and paradigm which we know happens a lot (people using any opportunity to try and trash paradigm or insidious muns, doxxing them) so it’s interesting to see that situations can look like this too.

imo it highlights how toxic au communities outside of insidigm are as well. some of the old asks about this from a few days ago from darkstt members talk about there being a member from the insidigm clique in the rupes rp but no one has tried (sincerely can correct me ofc) to doxx them either on here, so there’s proof that people can actually disengage from toxicity, and do so quietly.

this isn’t me supporting insidious or paradigm by the way, it’s just me saying i’m surprised to see how the community is handling this issue in contrast to past issues, and i think it’s reflective of how that community keeps to itself.

we have received no dms from any parties associated with rupes yet, nor any inbox asks about specific people! pretty much 98% of what is in our inbox about this matter is being posted, apart from one or two anons asking for identities (since we don't think this issue warrants anything specific about any person involved just yet).

[dathen]

Okay I have some complicated thoughts following Melanie’s arc that all build on top of each other and hinge HEAVILY on unreliable narrator interpretations so bear with me

In my relisten I’m at the beginning of s3, and it always shocks me a bit at how quickly she interprets Martin’s interaction with her as hostile.  I’m going to skip over the “it’s understandable, Melanie’s had a hard time in her career” disclaimers since there’s plenty of meta on that already, and instead follow the effects of this tendency: not on others, this time, but on her

(This got absurdly long and covers so many episodes so I’m going to split it into separate pre- and post-bullet surgery posts)

Rewinding a bit, the last time she was at the Institute, she was starting to get along with Jon before he seemed confused about her comment on “the other Sasha.”  It takes her a split second to interpret that confusion as him suddenly deciding to gaslight and mock her, gets angry and tells him there is something seriously wrong with him, and leaves before he can ask what she means.  Given how tenuous their truce was and the fact she and Jon had mocked each other in the past, it’s an outburst that at least has some personal history behind it.

But only a couple episodes later, we learn that it’s not just Jon she responds to in this way.  In TMA 84, she meets our Martin Blackwood!  Customer service voice opposite-of-Jon politeness extraordinaire!  And as soon as he gets confused about the two Sasha comment, she.......immediately assumes that HE is also trying to gaslight her.  She insists that “I’m not doing this again” without giving him a chance to ask or explain, so they miss the opportunity to piece together the deal with the Not!Sasha.  Her doing this with someone she just met shows a much broader pattern than her interactions with Jon.

That very episode, Elias offers Melanie a job, and she accepts despite Martin’s protests.  Later, she accuses them all of them being an “old boy’s club” because she interpreted Martin’s warnings as sexism rather than trying to protect her.  As the audience, we see the unreliable narrator of her perspective at work: we know that Jon and Martin were genuinely confused, and we know that Martin was trying to save her, and that all of these instances were her seeing it as people being out to get her.

Hop forward to the notorious gossip scene in TMA 106.  Here, Melanie complains about Martin being hostile to her.  My first assumption was that this was all offscreen, but after this parade of misinterpretation and comparing to her and Martin’s actual interactions, I have to wonder:

TMA 84, after Martin tells Melanie about the murder, and right before Elias interrupts:

Martin:  Are you sure you’re alright?

Melanie:  Yes!  I just got… God, I’m kind of at the end, you know?

Martin:  The end of what?

Melanie:   Everything.  Friends, clues, savings. Everything.  Options.  There’s nowhere left for me to go . I don’t know why, but…  I just, I just felt that perhaps coming here might help.  And talking things out with Jon.  I mean, I mean he’s awful, but at least he listens, you know?

Martin:   (soft) Yeah.  ...I’m sorry.  Um, is there anything that I could, like, maybe...do for you?

They get interrupted immediately after this, so this was the first impression Melanie was given.  Then, when Elias offers the job, she...assumes Martin’s “I don’t think that’s a good idea” is from sexism, when he’d just been talking about murders and disappearances that caused that very job opening.

TMA 88 

Melanie:   Are you alright?

Martin:  Yeah… Sorry, just a lot of change recently, y’know.  You and John and Sasha and… everything’s gone a bit wrong.  It’s the not knowing, you know?  I mean, Jon’s still alive.  Not sure why, but I’m sure of that.  But Sasha, I…

Melanie:   Yes, it’s… it’s probably, um…

Martin:   Sorry, sorry, I’m...  What do you need?

Next interaction!  Oh this one HURTS.  Martin takes her question literally, and starts telling her why she’s not alright, a reverse of their earlier exchange.  But Melanie came by for a question and wasn’t prepared for an honest answer, so Martin quickly reels it in and asks what he can do for her once again.

Skipping forward a bit in that same scene:

Martin:   Oh, you weren’t here when we took the place over from Gertrude!  It’s been over a year just to get it like this.  I mean, I think the database was on Jon’s list, but--

Melanie:  So how do you track someone down?

Martin:   Oh, oh well, y’know, we’ve a few contacts in various record offices around the place.  Aside from that it’s just… just a bit of detective work, really.  Tim used to do a great line in impersonating people to utility companies!  Heh, the number of times he got them to give him ‘his own’ address--

Melanie:  Right, right… Um, this one, the name is 'Jude Perry.’ Doesn’t mean anything to you, does it?

I LOVE THIS EXCHANGE.  I TREASURE IT.  Having bottled up his emotions, Martin is going in full Friendly Helpful Coworker mode.  There are so many little details here signaling that he’s embracing her as part of the team, sharing anecdotes about Tim’s shenanigans and Jon’s old plans, looping her in as One of Them as he helps her get what she needs.  This is the kind of approach you go to management trainings to get, to help new hires feel welcome and part of things.  But alas, Melanie is in a hurry and wants to cut to the chase, so all this is lost on her.

TMA 98 - I won’t copy it all in here because it’s long, but this is an overwhelmingly positive interaction.  She asks if he’s okay, but he bottles it up and says he’s fine.  This time, she presses, and he admits it’s because of the statements.  Martin ends up asking for help!! and Melanie agrees!  She’s on the way to murder Elias, but she still gets credit for “I’ll ask him to cut you some slack.”  Then she invites him to drinks!

And then.... TMA 106

Melanie:   Anyway, Martin’s always been lovely to you.

Basira:  Hmm. I don’t know, I mean, you should have seen him when I turned up last year. I think he thought I was trying to steal his precious Archivist.

Melanie:   Ahhh. I got the exact same when Jon was hiding out, and came to me with his “source on the inside” stuff.  Martin was not impressed.

WAIT WHAT

We just looked over all their interactions!  They were all soft and lovely and welcoming!!  But then we hear Melanie with “well unlike how he is to me, Martin is nice to you.”  This was taken at face value for years, but when you line up all of the above, I feel there is a strong basis to say this is another case of Melanie’s first impressions + over-defensiveness gone wrong.  Just like we saw her initial bickerings with Jon solidify into series-long hostility, her interpreting Martin’s confusion as gaslighting and warnings about the job as sexism seems to have doomed her opinion of him long-term.  We hear Martin being kind and concerned and welcoming, then hear Melanie contrast it as bad treatment.

Recently, a mutual considered this even further to how she talked about losing all of her friends with the Ghost Hunt UK circles:

Melanie:  Even back then, I could feel all my old friends starting to distance themselves from me. ...  I stopped asking the others for help, and I kept my research to myself. I talked to them less and less. By the time I was arrested, I think a lot of them had already given up on me.

I have to wonder...did this sort of dynamic play out here, too?  Did she assume that her friends’ concern was judgment or hostility?  Were they giving up on her, or did she lash out and push them away?  Either way, it’s easy to see parallels to s2 Jon in her description, here, with her withdrawing and diving alone into increasingly risky research without asking for help.  And s2 Jon definitely shared Melanie’s tendency to see offers for help and support as hostile.  (Aside:  I interpret her and Georgie as not very close at this point, like a networking contact rather than a friend; Melanie comes to Jon for someone to talk to about her struggles above her, and Georgie seems to be unaware of all of Melanie’s encounters pre-s3)

And on that downer note I am ending part 1...but PART 2 IS GOING TO BE WAY HAPPIER THAN THIS.  Here, we see Melanie with a lot of people who would have supported her if she let them:  Martin, Jon, possibly the friends she said abandoned her.  But in her effort to protect herself and not let history repeat for how she’d been hurt in the past, she ends up alone and spiraling.