#like 'here's a little treat before the main (gay) course later today'

[pocketramblr]

other main character meta- Ochako, pt 1

<part 2>

“Could you send me there?” you ask, while i blink, confused. “The world where someone else is the main character? not because i have any hypocritical biases against the one i got, just curious how the fandom meta changes.”

“Oh, yeah, sure.” I nod, thinking, before tapping my wand against your forehead. “Let’s start with Ochako.”

"I'm going to warn you now- I will have to slightly adjust the plot like I did with Mirio, just to actually let her be the main character."

"Yeah, that checks out." You nod, thinking about certain arcs where the female fighting teams get no coverage while the dudes get four different backstory reveals and full fight focus.

"Very well."

The show begins with a brief narration by the girl of quirks and super hero fights- all flashy. Then it zooms out to show the destruction, and a small construction team moving in as Ochako explains that just as there are new careers in society for heroes, there's also a bigger market for construction companies, one of which her own family runs.

"I've always wanted to help them with it, and my quirk would be useful"- a tiny, adorable Ochako finally appears, making rocks in a park float- "but to get a work license like that is expensive and selective- you've got to make a lot of court appearances and convince them why is a good idea and won't destroy the economy. It's much easier to get a hero license."

Then she explains: "Of course, once you have a hero license, you can make a lot more money than just by helping the company. Especially if... Your family company isn't doing very well." A series of tired but loving parents are shown working all hours to make ends meet.

"I want to help them- my parents. They've done everything for me, and they deserve a break. So that's why I'm going to be a hero- their hero."

The training montage is quick, using her quirk during school in training, after school in secret, around the house. She saves up money too, and studies, aiming for a scholarship.

She applies and tests for many hero schools, and the exams all vary widely.

The first episode ends with her looking up at UA, her final one, the one she really hopes to get into.

"Oh, that's nice." You nod. "And we even get to know her parents' quirks here."

"Yep." I agree. "In general, there's a lot more of a look at the financial side. It's pretty interesting."

"And the fandom?"

"Well, certain people get praised for the bare minimum, but I'll admit having a female lead is super uncommon for shonen jump." It's an improvement, though it's up in the air how much of one it will be. "There's also, because we saw a lot more hero schools, a ton of "students at different school" fics, either because they were expelled or because of the danger UA gets into."

"I do kinda feel like this universe is lucky for that sort of world building." You nod.

"It's very cool to see the takes on the aus. But, I will say there's a cost for this world building- the AfO stuff reeeeally comes out of nowhere and tends to not be popular with fans."

The next episode starts, and Ochako helps a boy from falling. "Love interest alert!" The fans notice quickly when the cute boy blushes and doesn't manage to say much before she walks away.

"They caught on quick." You note.

"And they aren't wrong." Not that it's any real feat to be right.

The exam starts, and Ochako is off in a flash. You see a few glimpses of future classmates- Iida, Aoyama, Kirishima.

She does well, racking up villain points and rescue points, until she's a little too ambitious and falls into the rubble. Her nausea is well established by now, everyone knows she's at her limit.

She can't get up.

The green haired boy comes back and stops the zero pointer.

And breaks every bone in the process.

Ochako saves him in return, lifting up the rubble and stopping his fall.

And then vomits violently afterwards.

"You know, I think quirks suck, actually." The fandom tends to agree on this after that episode/chapter. "But it is interesting that there's such a price for the powers, balances it really well."

"Ha." You shake your head. "They caught onto that, quicker."

"Yep." I can't even say it's more highlighted here, it's the exact same way it was shown in our universe- down to the sparkling rainbow puke.

"Though..." You can't quite imagine that's the only thing the fandom is saying isn't actually that great.

"Ding ding ding." I nod. "Did our own main character get treated just like a damsel in distress? Sure, she saved him back, but that just meant she could have floated away on her own in that time, even if it made her sick. Better that than dead. Is it the sexism?" I shrug. "Most decide to wait and see a bit, and by the time they work together in the first battle exercise figure it's a pretty even split between them saving each other."

"So no sexism?" You get happy at that thought.

I cough. "Ah, no. Both in the show and the fandom. You wouldn't believe how many grown men complain about the lady mc, even as they keep watching."

"And have her body pillow."

"Please don't make me think about that." I cover my eyes, but don't deny that it's true. "Anyway, yeah. Get ready for a lot of people to point out that even though the main character is a girl, every single other girl is flat as cardboard so far and that she only has developed friends that are guys."

"Hey, they aren't flat-"

"In the first season? Yeah they are. Unless you meant, physically, in which case..."

"I didn't." You protest. "But I guess I can see your point, at the start."

"Right. Let's continue on."

Uraraka goes to Present Mic to offer her points. The man pats her on the head, and skyrockets to the position of fandom dad.

"It's all about Dadmic and then Dadzawa here," I explain. "The fans were very disappointed to learn Mic wasn't her homeroom teacher, but yeah... He got a huge head start before Dadzawa fics got going."

"Nice. And it's all fanon?"

"Yeah, it may be a good thing he's not actually in it much, or they might realize how much they just made up on their own."

Then she gets accepted in, on hero and rescue points- she's third place overall, and she gets the scholarship.

On the first day of school, she actually gets to know her love interest's name- Midoriya!

There's also the quirk assessment, which really leads to the "expelled to another school" au and the "fire Aizawa and replace him with better Mic" aus, the first of which lasts much longer in the fandom use, but the second one was just as passionate for a while.

Iida becomes the second friend, and gives her the "Infinity Girl" nickname- which actually is the fandom assumption of what her hero name will be for quite a while, a la 'ground zero'.

Then it's time for All Might's first appearance on screen, to much applause of the students, and the announcement that they get their costumes.

During the first battle exercise, there's a lot more lingering camera work in the changing rooms. Ochako gets to expand a lot more on how she didn't want her costume to be that tight. It's uncomfortable, especially when she thinks about wearing it in front of everyone.

"Oh, I forgot she didn't like it at first... Does she just, get used to it here?" It sounds horrible for the plot to just say 'get used to it' to the main character being sexualized by costume makers outside of her control, especially as a child.

"Not on my watch." I mumble, waving the wand. "Don't worry, she'll actually get more costume changes each time, like some other characters."

"Oh good."

Mineta, regrettably, still exists. You find the fandom manages to be even more violent in his removal.

The battle does even out the opinions on Midoriya, as well as lead to a boost in Iida's with his charming little attempt at thinking villainously.

And cements Bakugo as rather hated. No one has really liked him, when the first thing he did was blow up at Midoriya, then get revealed to have called him a cruel nickname all this time. And then specifically hunt him down because all he cares about it beating him up.

"Yeah he's not gonna get a lot of fans here huh."

"He sure never gets first place in the popularity poll." I agree. "Most consider him the subversion of the rival trope to show is just stupid and violent and in real life, people like that don't go anywhere."

"Most?"

I look away. "How dumb of a discourse do you think you could see today?"

"Oh please, show me." You lean in. "It's nice to not have to deal with it in my universe, so I don't care."

The discourse is such.

Bakugo is gay-coded for Midoriya, the violence is a result of him being shoved off for a girl's love interest when she should be single and independent, and the homophobic creator is vilifying all gay people by saying they are predatory to poor straight boys with refused.

"They............... What."

"If it makes you feel better, that's a very brief minority of the fandom. My favorite response to it was "he's not gay-coded, he's bully coded you sanctimonious sumph of a shmuck.""

"Oh good," you sigh. "I'm glad we don't have to deal with actual queerphobic tropes like that."

I stare at you.

"What?"

I sigh. "Nothing, put a pin in that until I bring up the predatory bi thing with Toga."

Your eyes widen, and you start to have some regrets.

"Anyway, we can talk shipping later. Time for more."

The 'exit sign Iida' gives him a boost in being shipped with Ochako, (as well as Yaoyorozu) and also the general idea that "Ochako has two hands."

That one hand can have a boyfriend with a lot of cash to spare for her and the other is also played with.

"I missed the main trio, like this." You smile as they walk off into the sunset after school.

"Yeah." I agree. "Anyway, time for some near death experiences."

The USJ marks the start of the gradual, gradual growth of Dadzawa fics. It also focuses far more on Ochako, Mina, Sero, and Iida having to think strategically to get around Kurogiri. It's only after Iida escapes that we cut back to a slightly abridged version of how Midoriya was doing, then the other kids, before help arrives.

He does still through his first non bone breaking punch though, which makes the audience happy.

All Might saves the day. Aizawa is battered afterwards. Many fans start out by saying they were disappointed, since this was supposed to be the first big fight, and the kids didn't do much. Many others say in response that's the point- we're looking at first years, they had to think and help each other, but in the end they had to rely on adults.

And then the sports festival is announced. They want to do well, because this is how they get work-week placements, which could become internship offers.

Ochako thinks about Hado Nejire, the only intern of a top ten hero, and senior at UA, along with a few others who are on the up and up. She's determined.

"Really? You're bringing in the big three early?" You ask, glancing at my wand.

It's not sparkling.

I cross my arms with a huff. "Look. Nejire is at this point the only intern in the top ten, she would have been recognizable to the students for that, even if they didn't recognize the big three (which really means that they aren't actually called the Big Three by everyone, or at least not a wide enough group for it to be as big a deal as it's treated. Anyway.) But she wasn't, even if she should have been the most famous of the bunch, considering the coverage the first years got in just their first night. That's because a certain someone doesn't actually think of his female characters much, but he has to in this universe, so."

"Ok, yeah, that's fair. So does that change the sports festival?"

"Not... Much." I admit.

“What?”

“Well, keep in mind in the first universe, our main character didn’t make it past the second round in the one-on-one’s. So she’s not exactly guaranteed a win here either.”

You have to nod, admitting that is true.

“And the conflict isn’t so much about having to live up to any predecessor or breaking down some people’s walls via breaking bones.” I tap my wand against my chin, thinking. “There really is two- one about Midoriya, and one about Ochako’s parents.”

“Oh?”

“One, there’s been the Uraraka’s not happy about how much danger Ochako’s been in. Its been hinted at in the phone calls, but really shows up when we get to see them at home before the SF for the first time since she moved for school. They aren’t sure if she can stay there herself, or if the right thing to do would be to pull her out and maybe try a smaller school.”

“I suppose that's fair, if they haven't been able to actually see her or her progress.”

“Right. The second one is- well. in this, Izuku’s win of the first round, and then breaking out of brainwashing, is more about really piling on how good his mind is- all that brain power. This adds more pressure when we see Ochako being offered a plan from him to beat Bakugo.”

“Oh that does sound neat.”

“Yep- but of course, she still refuses. It’s held up as a worse thing, strategically, initially- but then she comes up with a plan that Midoriya confirms in the stands is better than his, and proves to her parents that she’s smart and skilled enough to handle continuing at the school.”

You smile. “That is a cool arc to do, i guess, if very not traditional. But what about all the character setup and growth with Shinsou and Todoroki?”

“Oh, Shinsou’s largely gets delegated all the way later for the joint training arc, where Ochako’s team is directly against him. Todoroki...” I begin to giggle.

You wait for me to answer, getting more concerned the longer i laugh.

“Pocket?”

“Sorry, sorry, yeah. He actually tells her himself in this canon, a bit after stain. Oh! right, i forgot- the cheerleader incident.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes. of course they need this merch opportunity! But yes, it happens. The... shall we say, non-body-pillow portion of the fandom, generally saw it as the end of any goodwill to Kaminari, who had previously been seen as a tertiary possible love interest, since he’d flirted with her on the first day. Flirt, but harmless, and unlikely to be important. Then there was that breach of trust and international embarrassment, and anyway he’s basically the second least likely in 1a to be shipped with her now.”

“Wow. So none of that changed?”

“Well, the setup wasn’t under narration from Todoroki about how his mother was bought for her body and how much that sucked and impacted her and the family while on screen we see multiple girls tricked into barring their bodies and its treated as a laugh instead?”

You stare at me. “I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.”

“Neither am I.”

“So, the Todoroki reveal?”

“Right. So, first you need to know the Stain thing- the claims he has against ‘false’ heroes focusing on money is better spotlighted. After Stain’s arrest, Ochako hears a couple of sidekicks at Gunhead’s agency-”

“Wait!” you interrupt. “She still interned with Gunhead? Then what was the point of showing Nejire and Ryukyuu earlier?”

I try not to massage my forehead. “To build up to it. She only made it to the first of the final round, she couldn’t get an internship with a top tenner yet. She’s also got to learn how to disarm someone who fights with a knife. These things build up over more time, small steps.”

“Ah.” You’re satisfied, and let me continue.

“Right, so, Overhears a couple of them talking about Stain’s philosophy and ends up just feeling really bad about it for a bit, trying to figure out if she’s actually being selfish or a bad hero for, you know, wanting her family to not be crushed due to capitalism.”

“Poor girl.” You shake your head in sympathy, the freeze. “Oh. did not intend that pun.”

“It’s alright, i know what you mean. And yeah, she bottles it up for a bit, until the second day back at school. Then Iida reminds her that him bottling things up last week got several kids in mortal danger, and she begrudgingly admits that he has a point and tells them about what has been bugging her.”

“And they comfort her?”

“Well, Todoroki also offers to tell off Kaminari because at this point his mention of stain upset both her and iida, but yes, A lot of reassurances.”

You squint. “I feel like shippers.”

“You’re learning! Yes, Todoroki is just a bit behind Iida in terms of popularity shipping with her. and she does basically get shipped A Lot with each girl in her class too, like imagine double to triple the amount with each girl now, and for the minor guys- but yeah. There’s a lottttt of ships. This was basically called ‘todoroki’s introduction into ochako’s harem’ in the fandom.”

Shipping. fandom just can’t escape it.

“So, then she learns about Todoroki’s past? oh, and what about Hosu? Does she- and everyone else- actually think Endeavor saved the three??”

I snort. “Oh, no. Todoroki’s flat ‘yeah my father totally helped us, as you read on the official report’ basically tipped the fandom off that something else had. But nothing confirmed either, you know? Filling in the hosu gap is another trope in fics that is pretty common.”

“Neat.”

“Yep. But yeah Todoroki tells her his backstory a bit after his introduction into her ‘harem’ of friends. It’s really played up more to caution Ochako- its alright for her to want to help her family, and to work for money to do that. But Rei accepted the marriage offer for money for her family too, and it ended up breaking her. Ochako has to accept a balance- she can work to help her family, and its good, but there are some things she cannot morally do to help them, and other things that she shouldn’t do because she has to take care of her own health first.”

“Ohhhh.” You hadn’t quite expected that, but you sorta liked it, now that you thought about it.

I smile. “It is pretty neat, yeah.” I glance at my watch. “Look, i hate to cut you off, but this post is gonna end up thrice the length of Mirio’s and i think tumblr might stop me, so we’re gonna have to do a two-parter.”

“That’s fine.” You are gracious for what you’ve gotten so far, and do have questions that you’re excited to see answered for the rest of the series. “It’s been fun.”

“It has been.” I agree. “Lets take a break, but you can ask me any questions too, before I return for part two.”

<part 2>

[constellaj]

just ran into your art today and. would you like to elaborate on your gay lucky in love rewrite 👀

boy would i

as always shoutouts to @crystalfloe for pitching + workshopping w me on this, ESPECIALLY on this one since it was mostly her idea!

we open up with a shot of shadow circling through amity park, looking in the windows of various citizens. danny is face-down, fast asleep; valerie is repairing some gear; tucker is being a gamer; sam is watching a horror movie; paulina is also watching a horror movie. shadow passes by all these houses and gets more and more annoyed, until he peeks the window of a large, elaborate house:

dash has drawn the curtains, turned the lights off, turned a fan up. this is his deep dark secret. he’s sitting on his bed, face lit by the dim rose glow of his laptop. the volume is turned down so low but the viewer still sees and hears him whisper along to the movie: “but we could never be together, jessica...” “but... I love you...” he’s watching a HORRIBLY cheesy hallmark romcom.

but of course nobody can KNOW he’s into chickflicks and romcoms! he’s a tough football man and it would trash his rep if anyone knew he secretly craved those deep but silly romantic stories... the tenderness, the love...

shadow has specifically been looking for a romantic.

shadow slips in and ‘possesses’ dash. possesses in quotes, because, well, even though dash is dumb and therefore easy to possess, shadow is ultimately a glorified dog, and not a fully sentient ghost; he doesn’t have any total agency in dash, and the most he can do is mess around with his emotional and hormonal balance. shadow is DISMAYED, upon entering, that dash’s deep romanticism is so repressed, and so immediately gets to work digging it out of the recesses of his brain, putting it in the forefront.

(see, what danny and the audience will learn later is, shadow is a ghost that subsists off of love. romantic love especially. he first found a ‘host’ in johnny (before he died!) because johnny and kitty were madly, ridiculously in love, and johnny especially admired kitty beyond words. they still do love each other, of course! but like all healthy relationships, they’ve learned to take breaks, and they have a ‘break week’ once every few months.)

(this, naturally, drives shadow up a WALL; after a certain level, displays of romance become like dog treats, and shadow has been downright spoiled by the overabundance of love between the two. when they take a BREAK WEEK and aren’t constantly showering each other (and therefore him!) with affection, he needs to go find another host, because clearly they do not love him and have forsaken him. they kick miette.)

since shadow’s prime host for so long has been johnny, his understanding of a few... norms... are bleeding over. dash shows up to school with a leather jacket and a motorcycle (his family’s rich, of course he’s had one). his hair is slicked back and the cologne is overpowering. while danny and others think it’s just another asshole stage of dash, kwan (as well as the popular kids, but kwan especially) notices something’s wrong. it’s not quite... dash. 

yeah, he’s happy-- well, he’s also strangely flirty with everyone (shadow is testing the waters, trying to find out who is the best match). and kwan LOVES that he’s happy. but he’s a little too daydreamy, he laughs a little too long. he is having horrible luck all day, but he just keeps taking it in stride. dash is concerned with appearances, but this is the first time he’s put in effort like it was for other people to see. he’s a little too suave. his eyes reflect just a little too much light.

and then-- luck of luck-- shadow finds the big name repressed crush.

fenton! of course!

danny did NOT want to deal with dash towering over him and slamming him into the wall, but he didn’t KNOW how to deal with dash leaning over him and telling him he looked cute. danny’s flustered! of course he is! well, yeah, dash is an asshole, he knows that, yeah he’s a stuck up rich kid, YES SAM, he knows this (sam is not fooled by a little hair gel and some high heeled leather boots), but you can’t deny he’s, well, built. and he’s weirdly suave? and nice. he’s actually being really nice. what no of course DANNY hasn’t had a crush on DASH this whole time or anything. shut up.

the fact that dash asks him to meet him in the woods at lunch (because sam, jazz, and even tucker are increasingly concerned with dash just making moves on danny, afraid it’s some new form of abuse; and lancer keeps perceiving it as bullying since that’s their dynamic and breaking it up) and he GOES is just. well. that’s unrelated isn’t it.

they kiss and danny is starting to maybe think dash just had a homophobic middle school experience like everyone else when- his GHOST SENSE GOES OFF. RIGHT HERE? RIGHT NOW??? (gee what could be causing it?) dash cracks a joke about him using too many breath mints and danny panics, bullshits an excuse, and runs off to transform and find the ghost.

dash thinks he’s been rejected and almost shakes out shadow’s possession from the sheer dismay, but shadow doubles down. no, no, we can find another crush. somewhere.

...oh hey! the ghost boy!

time to double down on the ghost aesthetics.

danny’s just finished fighting kitty (”where’s your boyfriend” “that’s none of your BUSINESS!”) when there’s a motorcycle rev underneath him. there’s... dash, again, but.... something feels very, very wrong.

danny lands, cautious. “hey phantom... you into biker dudes?” “don’t you have... a boyfriend...” “heee sorta dumped me in the woods”. and then danny gets close enough for his ghost sense to go off. and it clicks.

“dash, you’re possessed”

this is the ONE THING that shadow can’t have. this could be the perfect romance, and THIS GHOSTCHILD thinks he knows more about ROMANCE than SHADOW??? PSH. cue fight scene! dash of course is grappling with both not wanting to hurt phantom, but wanting this ghost out of his system, because of COURSE he’s possessed geez why else would he want to kiss FENTON of all people-- but shadow REFUSES to leave, slowly building more and more monstrous elements onto dash, darker eyes and claws, erasing his legs until it’s not dash as much as it is a large shadow monstrosity with dash at the center.

danny eventually realizes he needs a new strategy and runs for it. after a decent amount of bickering with sam/tuck, they realize that the only ones who would know how to tame shadow are.... kitty and johnny.

turns out, when shadow went missing, kitty NOTICED. (johnny didn’t! he was having a fun alone time working on his bike with loud music.) this is bad. why? well, johnny is NOT a very powerful ghost. in fact, he’s sort of the opposite. he and shadow have a symbiotic relationship of sorts; it’s shadow’s residence in him that gives him any powers at all, like the basic healing factor a ghost has, or phasing, or flying. without shadow he’s essentially a zombie, who can still be hurt in the ghost zone. NATURALLY, kitty decided to run off and retrieve shadow (because this isn’t the first time he’s run away on break week, always throwing a tantrum) before anything horrible could happen to Johnny; this is what she was doing in Amity in the first place

this is the part of the story where i reveal that the ending isnt fully fleshed out yet. in the rough conversation right it ended up with kitty and johnny trying to FORCE shadow back into johnny, and they’re getting annoyed by it, and kitty goes “well this wouldn’t be a problem if YOU weren’t so LOVING AND SENSITIVE” and johnny goes “well i wouldn’t LOVE YOU so much if you weren’t BRILLIANT and BEAUTIFUL” and they have a whole argument like that. its very funny. and shadow ends up still running away and possessing dash again.

ah, in typing this out, i have figured out an ending!

the above fight and run away happens, and there’s two endings: one where shadow possesses dash, and one where shadow possesses danny. in both, of course, the other party realizes the only way to get shadow out is through making shadow feel safe enough to leave, aka... flooding the room with romance. if dash is possessed, danny and co. realize that danny’s the prime candidate to... be the suave lil boy. if DANNY is possessed, sam and tucker begrudgingly explain that, uh, yeah, phantom might have a crush on you, he’s just really controlling of his emotions. (also kwan! kwan definitely plays a part if dash is possessed, maybe even in saying “uh... he has a bigger crush on Fenton. can you guys get him instead?” and danny. explodes)

blahlbahblah luring shadow out by being gay happens and shadow gets scooped back up by the 13s. as much as the previous argument is funny it might also be very funny if johnny literally noticed none of this, and kitty shows up like ‘you lost this’ and johnny is like. ‘...shadow? when did you leave’. anywho.

that’s the concept! the MAIN difference is that johnny and kitty actually have a very healthy and sweet relationship, and the conflict, ironically, comes from the fact that they love each other TOO much. i do love ‘dash finds out’ reveals but as far as an episodic romp goes, this might not be the best ep for him to discover the secret in. however in a oneshot or something of course you could slot that in there excellently i believe.

[michael-drummey]

Achilles x Patroclus: Part 2, Harmful Stereotypes in Modern Media

**Since my last post on this blew up! Here is just a little more on the subject & some of the nonsense I have seen & experienced on said topic online & in other forms of media**

For anyone who needs proof that Achilles & Patroclus were always and originally presented as a gay couple in a committed relationship mapped out in The Iliad (see my original post here) SOME in our society (not those who are properly educated) like to project harmful & stereotypical LGBTQ+ tropes on Homer’s material & their representation in other forms of media that are still prevalent today such as:

 “Gay as not the Main Character” - The Iliad starts with the lines “RAGE: Sing, Goddess, Achilles’ rage,” so right at the start this Story we meet Achilles; obviously he is crucial in the story’s plot, yet even for his importance in this story it is not named for him, the focus is on Troy. Achilles is “Greatest of all the Greeks” but is remembered for all his bad qualities, while others like Agamemnon who is also deeply flawed or Odysseus, get the recognition of trying to reason with Achilles, and are seen as the more reasonable leaders set on winning the war. Achilles and Patroclus get reduced to just once aspect of the story, then once they are dead, we get The Odyssey and our new main boy Odysseus. The wily & super straight war hero trying to get home to his darling wife and son, which leads us to our next trope...

“Bury your Gays” - Achilles and Patroclus are obviously coded as homosexual even though the Ancient Greeks did not have a word to use for gay, but it is none the less glaringly obvious. Patroclus is killed by Hector when he rides into battle to help his fellow Greeks and retain Achilles’ Honor, thus setting in motion the events that will unleash Achilles’ Rage upon Hector and the Trojans. We also find out later in The Odyssey Achilles died when Odysseus meets him in The Underworld where he stands off with Patroclus so check check for both stories. This is a huge piece of Homer’s story, but so many times Patroclus is forsaken and treated as a plot point not as a character who’s fate changes the course of the story, they view him as a “gotta go” kind of sidekick to Achilles.

“Depraved Homosexual & Loose Bisexual” - Either perverse and/or murderous the “depraved homosexual” trope portrays the gay character as possessing all quirks and qualities one/society considers undesirable. Achilles is vengeful and refuses to fight when Agamemnon tarnishes his honor, then when Patroclus is killed Achilles is completely inconsolable, wishing to end his life, he weeps for days on end in bed with the body of Patroclus. When he unleashes that grief (The Rage of Achilles) he is reduced to a killing machine hellbent on nothing but avenging his beloved’s death, which eventually will lead to his own demise. He is rarely referred to as a 3-dimensional character with complex emotions from this point on. As one who has suffered in this war, lost his honor & lost the love of his life, which has caused all that is human in him to die as well; he succumbs to his pain. His wrath is what so many know him for even if they haven’t read the story, They just see him as a ferocious warrior, but so few know the full context behind his actions, or love to claim he did what he did because his “best friend” was killed. Some forms of media love to also portray them as bisexual, where we are given over the top sex scenes, and shown two men who are meant to be “less than” for their sexual freedom/lack of sexual morals. While it really has nothing to do with that and just creates more biphobia and erasure. We are never are shown them happily and honestly committed to each other, which leads us to our next stereotype.

“Everyone is Straight” - SOME Historians, Scholars, Writers, Movies love to predominately present characters as “all straight or only straight”. Since The Iliad was recorded people have been debating if Achilles & Patroclus were an item or not. Personally I think the evidence is overwhelming and plain as day, (you do not share a tent & bed with just your homie, Rage as Achilles did at Patroclus’ death, then keep his body in your bed yearning for his “μένος” (menos) aka manly vigor and semen, then get your ashes buried together in the same urn, just for someone to say “They were Best Friends Forever!” There is more than enough evidence to say Homer wrote them as gay, but some love to throw the “Briseis Argument” out there saying he intended to marry her, and she was his girl, ie. lots of gratuitous sex scenes to follow. If that were so, why does he only take her into his bed once at the end of Book 24? He had 10 years what was stopping him? And why did he wish her dead when he receives the body of Patroclus? Truthfully you would be sad your friend died, but at least its not your lover, right? Unless, wait what happened to Achilles when Patroclus died?... oh right, that’s the reaction of a man who has lost his best friend, lover, basically entire world, so “Bye Briseis!” you were a broken man’s booty call, time to move along. (Not that there is anything wrong with being a booty call, but in The Iliad that’s what Homer gave us to work with and this ones more directed at Hollywood and Straights™ who like to ignore all historical context.)

Now we know that these tropes did not exist when The Iliad was recorded, and Homer did not set out with the mind set “gotta kill these gays!” the word homosexual did not exist until 1869, it is not like being LGBTQ+ people just popped up then too. But viewing the story with some of these lens we can more clearly see these modern tropes and stereotypes 1. Can exist in pieces of art and literature despite the time the story was told. 2. Hurtful stereotypes affect the way people translate & view stories, peoples, cultures, etc. A prime example I still find it shocking when people say “weren’t they just cousins!?” (NO) 3. Not thinking critically and thoughtfully about such a piece, prevents others from truthful experiences, and devalues the meaning and emotion one gets from reading or telling such a story. 4. It is modern weaponizing & blatant erasure of those LGBTQ+ (fictional and non-fictional characters) that came before us to present a false narrative of heteronormativity. 

In the end, as I stated, Homer did not use these stereotypes, these stories would have been sung and told in a way that captivated its audience, which they obviously are still doing today. Homer is a phenomenal storyteller, truly a classic and one of the best, but some still feel the need to straightwash these characters. So next time someone tries to say Homer never wrote Achilles and Patroclus as gay lovers, there is no evidence in The Iliad to support it, and that we cannot look at them through a modern lens. Or call out others who choose to ignore history, facts, and context, you can say “You Can! and Yes, Achilles x Patroclus are 100% in a committed gay relationship!” 

[mira--mira]

One obvious for the ask game. The main protagonist; Naruto Uzumaki and Izuku Midoriya.

@shiryusamarkanda it’s so nice to hear from you again! <3 

I totally didn’t forget to post this and had it fully finished in my drafts for days...totally. 

Naruto

What I love about them:

Naruto's a bratty kid who’s not afraid to speak up and challenge something he thinks is "wrong". This, of course, is part 1 Naruto. I actually like when he's a bit insensitive without being explicitly malicious bc its very fitting for his background/how he grew up but also gives him a clear path forward as he learns how to work as a team/starts to grow. It wasn’t exactly a smart move, but I really liked how he continued to challenge Zabuza in the Wave Arc saying “he’s still my enemy” after Kakashi told him to back off. This is all good and strong characterization that, to me, was more often endearing than it wasn’t. Naruto had goals and a purpose and in early Naruto that was still clear.

What I hate about them:

Part 2 (Shippuden) Naruto. There’s a lot that goes into this but the core deviation is getting away from the underdog story. In Shippuden Naruto is the son of the 4th, the Child of Prophecy, a reincarnation of the Sage of Six Path’s kid, makes friends with Kurama, and has the most OP power of the them all: Talk no Jutsu. What makes all of this even worse is Naruto went from a loveable bratty kid to an insufferable messiah figure. To be “perfect” his natural personality is shorn down until he’s only allowed occasional “stupid” mistakes rather than mistakes that emerge from his characterization. This also makes his ideological “wins” with villains...completely meaningless. Shippuden Naruto doesn’t really...have beliefs. He wants to be hokage and bring Sasuke back to the village. “Being hokage” was fine as a kid but I expected the progression into shippuden to be “what kind of hokage do I want to be?” This seemed natural bc we get in the Wave arc Naruto pushing against “what a shinobi is supposed to be: a tool” from Haku and declaring he’d make his own ninja way. Flashforward to the chunin arcs: hates Orochimaru for messing with Sasuke (esp when he eventually leaves to join him) and Neji for treating Hinata the way he did until he learned more about the Hyuga before declaring it wasn’t fair and you had to fight against fate and destiny. Tsunade’s arc was more about reemphasizing the village was something worth protecting and the Sasuke retrieval arc, while focused on Sasuke, at least kept up this theme. But these moments of growth are only alluded to in shippuden and by the time the war arc and ending come around...nothing changes. Naruto didn’t upset the status quo, he only maintained it. And once that ending was established it was a lot easier to go back and pick out exactly when his characterization started to fall through and the weird messiah figure took over instead. Part of this, imo, is the focus of his ultimate goal being “bring Sasuke back to the village” rather than understand what Sasuke is doing/why he’s doing it and then deciding to help him or stop him. 

Favorite Moment/Quote:

“You’re cute when you’re chubby” [in reference to the frog purse] 

I really love the quiet moments Naruto has and watching him live out his daily life. The frog purse is absolutely adorable and I love seeing it crop up time and time again. A close second is when Gai kicks Jiraiya in the face and, a short time later, offers Naruto the green tracksuit which he’s appreciative of. 

What I would like to see more focus on:

In Part 2 Naruto having a long-term goal alongside bringing Sasuke back to the village or trying to seriously think about why Sasuke does what he does and how that would potentially affect the plot. If I could go back to the very start, keeping the actual heart and intent of an underdog ninja story rather than everything turning into superpowered mecha/kaiju battles and aliens from space this is the big point that I’d want to address. In general, I really like fics that focus on training and give him a range of jutsu besides spamming shadow clones and rasengan variants. I’ve said this before, but if Naruto really wants to keep the “number 1 unpredictable ninja” moniker, learning a variety of small, diverse jutsu and using them in interesting/creative ways would be the way to go rather than spamming the aforementioned two. I also really like fics that buckle down and just go ham and create their own variety of jutsu, especially if it’s small practical jutsu rather than the latest and greatest OP Power #839281 kind of jutsu. 

What I would like to see less focus on:

The messiah figure. Talk no Jutsu. The obsession with having a morally pure hero in a world that routinely employed child soldiers and put them in war. I understand Naruto was a shonen manga first and foremost but like...this was the setting/world Kishimoto decided on having. However, I will say some fics take it to far on the other extreme for my taste, creating a edgy nihilistic Naruto that hates everyone and everything. 

Favorite pairing with:

Uhh...I don’t actually have a strong feeling for this one LOL. The most I’ve read has been SasuNaru (Sasuke x Naruto) because I’ve found really interesting set-ups. I like the ship and it does have a decent amount of backing in canon but it’s the little moments (or my ability to see possible little moments) that really make or break a ship for me. SasuNaru is all Big Declarations and I struggle to see how they’d actually settle down post Shippuden time into something sustainable. My favorite iterations of the ship is focused when they’re genin age and have a better relationship...but then I recognize that this is getting closer and closer to Hashimada. The other big things I run into with shipping Naruto with Sasuke is 1. Sasuke needs a shit ton of therapy/willingness to process his family related trauma and 2. Naruto needs a good support network/family outside of a romantic partner because it personally makes me uncomfortable to read ‘you’re my one and only’ (here being: I have no other friends, family, loved ones outside of you). It’s a ship that can work but it’s not my personal OTP.  

Favorite friendship:

Canon/OoT - Naruto & Sakura

I do have a softspot for fics where Naruto realizes his crush on Sakura is actually a desire to have friends/someone to care about him and then they do become close. In canon Sasuke was clearly the favorite of Kakashi (if chunin arc is kept the same/similar and he takes him away for the month to train) I really like Naruto and Sakura sticking together and trying to help each other. They’re both loud and can wind each other up but Naruto can help Sakura relax a bit from her rigid view of herself and she can help keep him on track/encourage him. 

NOTP:

Again, no real strong opinions here. Probably harems? I remember seeing a lot of those a couple years ago and I fundamentally dislike the harem so it will never be ‘done well’ to my personal taste. 

Favorite headcanon:

Naruto is smart, he just needs things to be explained in a way he can understand. 

I’m not a fan of ‘he’s the smartest person in the entire world’ trope but Naruto is creative, he created the oiroke jutsu before he graduated to genin and has a lot of stubborn determination. He’s just really bad at typical ‘book learning’ and traditional testing and he’s not a genius/prodigy like Sasuke or Neji.

.

.

Read line for BNHA manga spoilers

Izuku

What I love about them:

He’s such a smart kid and while he’s unsure/insecure about himself he still does his best. Honestly the premise of BNHA is amazing and I was so excited to watch this little quirky (heh) boy do his best and outthink heroes, utilizing his intelligence and knowledge of quirks. I really love early Izuku and how he has to approach situations from a different angle bc he grew up quirkless/can’t properly handle OFA. The sports festival arc remains one of my personal favorites and really showed his ingenuity. I also really love that Izuku is openly emotional, he cries, he gets super happy about things, he’s angry, he’s sad, etc.  

What I hate about them:

Why do stories insist on calling themselves “underdogs” when for a majority of the time, they’re not? Or not as much as they would be from the original premise? Look, TDP came about exactly bc BNHA was billed as ‘quirkless boy becomes number 1 hero’ it changed rapidly into ‘Izuku gets the strongest quirk but can’t control it’ and while I was...disappointed with that, it happened so quickly I wasn’t really upset. Fast forward to apparently OFA has...what seven(?) quirks inside it and I just...it’s frustrating. Even more the longer we go the more Izuku strays away from a character that is forced to use his intelligence and creatively outthink his opponents and instead becomes...I just have to hit him harder! The Muscular fight already inched towards this but the Overhaul fight just felt like Super Shonen Smack-down 728329. Which, isn’t an inherent problem, it just doesn’t match up to the expectations I had about BNHA I had at the start and how I hoped the series would go. For a character trait that I hate: Izuku is stupidly self-sacrificing. It makes sense with his character but he shoots beyond what is safe and reasonable and I wish there would be more internal emphasis on the question “is it better to save one person today if it meant I couldn’t save ten people tomorrow?” I think he’d choose the former or forsake the question altogether (we touched briefly on this during the overhaul arc with Eri) but I think it’s a serious question needs to be touched on (or I just need to go back and rewatch things again LOL) 

Favorite Moment/Quote:

See entire sports festival arc. I don’t really have a favorite moment because I love the entire arc and we get so much out of it. 

What I would like to see more focus on:

Quirkless Izuku. There’s already a lot of fics, but I really do love them. It deviates a bit, but I do like the creativity of giving Izuku his own unique quirk and then exploring what he can do with that/how it changes canon. Really I want Izuku to keep his original characterization and not trade his smarts for more punching power or deus ex machinas for quirks hidden inside of OFA. If OFA!Izuku is kept, I like story ideas where he still has to rely on means outside of his quirk. Preferably this is isn’t because he injuries himself so much, but I like toying with the idea that Izuku never gets OFA to All Might’s level so he really does have to make the quirk his own and still rely heavily on his intelligence and quirk journals to become the number 1. 

What I would like to see less focus on:

Quirks hidden inside OFA. Strength should have been enough, it was already billed as the most powerful quirk of all. I know this is a common theme for shonen stories, and I don’t mean to harp specifically on Izuku, but again the premise of BNHA was an underdog story. 

Favorite pairing with:

Tododeku (Todoroki Shouto x Midoriya Izuku) 

Friends to lover and battle couples lads, I am weak to them. I like the contrast between their personalities as well as origins (Shouto being the number 2′s (now 1) kid and Izuku from a quiet civilian background). At the end of the sports festival arc both of them are extremely well characterized and it’s easy for me to imagine how their relationship progresses from there and how they can support each other and help each other grow. It’s a very sweet and wholesome ship the way I write and read it and it’s v cute.

Favorite friendship:

Canon- Midoriya Izuku & Uraraka Ochaco & Iida Tenya

I really like the core trio and think their interactions are really sweet. They balance each other out well and their friendship was immediately believable to me. I also like later when Tsuyu and Shouto start to get included in the group and out of the “main” core friends I’m endlessly entertained whenever Izuku and Tokoyami interact with one another. (This is also because I love my bird son, but you know.)

TDP - Midoriya Izuku & Ashido Mina or Midoriya Izuku & Hatsume Mei

Really, I love all of TDP’s kiddos interactions. Their chemistry is one of my favorite things about the fic and all the villain school kiddos meshed really well and had hilarious interactions. Mina and Mei are my faves but just barely. Mina came out of left field for the fic but she plays a similar role that Ochaco does in canon as a usual source of positivity (but unlike Ochaco with additional chaos). She’s Izuku’s first real friend even before starting HIVVE and wouldn’t hesitate to call Izuku her cousin as she views him as family. In return, Mina’s someone Izuku can completely count and depend on if necessary. Mei is...Mei. Izuku is her best “useful customer” and it’s actually terrifying how similar their thoughts are, just Mei has an (un)healthy dose of Hazmat’s insanity and her own business acumen added into the mix. They have slightly different fields of interest but are intellectual equals that work well together and that’s something new to both of them.

NOTP:

Bakudeku (Bakugo Katsuki x Midoriya Izuku)

It’s unhealthy. Unless it’s an AU that changes what the start of their relationship is like, Bakugo and Izuku will always have a toxic friendship to me and I can’t ever see them in a healthy relationship. Both of them have a lot to learn and I am of the opinion that Bakugo should get the opportunity to grow and become a good person and leave behind his past as a bully. However, I’m also of the opinion that no matter how good of a person a bully becomes their victim is never required to absolve them of past wrongdoings. Izuku and Bakugo were friends once, their relationship turned toxic, and now it’s in the interest of both of them to grow apart from one another. I even hesitate to really say they’ll be friends again because the early characterization of their relationship was so imbalanced to me, but for the right author and the right work I may see them being on good terms. It’s still a romantic relationship that I dislike. 

Favorite headcanon:

Crack headcanon? Izuku does have a natural quirk, the force of his tears is clearly superpowered 😂 Regular headcanon, (that is canon in TDP and kindaaa in regular canon(?)) when Izuku gets really engrossed in a super stressful fight he focuses on what will work rather than what is moral. It has...mixed results. 

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For the ask game. 

[drivingsideways]

Here, have like 5.7k of not-fic, because I am *still * not writing in this fandom, god damn it. 

In which Gon is an asshole, and Tae-eul knows it. Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop Jo Yeong from wanting him.

It’s at the naval academy that Gon realizes that he is, in fact, in deep shit.

Gon is there because he’s expected to be there, Yeong-ah is there because Gon is there, and also because he’s the most stubborn 16 year old in existence, and even commanding him to stay at school and join only two years later, along with his peers hadn’t worked, probably for the first time since Gon had given him a play sword and brought an infinitely more precious thing into existence.

 Yeong had just turned up in the naval academy class in his trainee uniform, all coltish limbs and squared shoulders and defiant chin and serious eyes, and his collar more starched than even His Majesty’s and Gon had thought god damn it, but he’d also been conscious of a sense of relief. It was lonely without his shadow of almost twelve years now, and honestly, if Yeong-ah thought he could do it, who was Gon to disagree, because he knows what Yeong-ah is capable of when he’s determined.

 (Yeong-ah has the scars to prove it, and Gon has the worst night after his father’s murder to remember, the night when he sat beside Yeong’s bed as he slept off the anaesthetic, post surgical removal of a bullet from his shoulder. Yeong had taken off his service vest during combat training, apparently deciding that he needed to learn to fight through an actual bullet wound.

The idiot.

Gon had wept all night beside his bed, and raged at him in the morning, and expressly forbidden him from pulling a stunt like that ever again, and Yeong had looked at him, confusion in his dark eyes, and said blearily, his usually lovely clear voice still thickened by sleep and painkillers, but how can I be the unbreakable sword if I don’t practice?

Yeong, Gon had replied, helpless in the face of such devotion. Yeong.

 So yeah, he should have probably known that Yeong would turn up at the Academy.)

 The four years at the academy are great- actually the most freedom Gon has ever experienced, which is hugely ironic, given, it’s like, the navy; and he wants Yeong to have that too before they both return to the palace. He wants Yeong to have as normal an adolescence as he can, hang out with the guys, make friends, and who knows, maybe even date? Like, Yeong should have the delicious experience of a first kiss, her lips soft and tasting of champagne and plum-flavoured lip balm, the slim curve of her waist that fits into the slightly damp palm of your hand, and the fluttering of her eyelashes against your cheek, and the wild roaring of your heartbeat in your ears- and her almond-shaped dark eyes on yours- 

 Yeah, so, Gon wants  Yeong to have all of that and more, and he’ll do his best to arrange the world so that it will happen; what kind of elder brother would he be if he didn’t?

 So when they’re at one of the few parties that trainees- including His Majesty- are allowed into at the Naval Club, he tries to manoeuvre things suitably so that he can casually introduce Yeong to some pretty young things, at least two of whom, he’s pleased to note, have the good taste to realize how handsome and adorable Yeong is. Well, he’d best leave them alone now, trusting that nothing can stop a determined young woman who’s spotted something she wants- and in the meanwhile, he has caught sight of Ms.Kim Seo-Hyun, she of the laughing dark eyes, and the wicked mouth, and goes off to renew a very pleasant acquaintance in the shade of some conveniently placed trees. 

 It’s a while before he returns to the main ballroom, and his eyes scan for Yeong, and don’t find him. He’d half been expecting for Yeong to break in on Seo-Hyun and himself, because Yeong rarely lets Gon out of his line of sight, except for very good reasons. And hey, look at that, perhaps for once, Yeong was not thinking about protecting Gon, and was instead having a good time by himself.

 Good, he thinks, the light buzz of alcohol in his veins adding to the generally pleasant feeling, and he smiles to himself when he thinks about the fun he’ll have later, teasing Yeong about it. He stands for a minute watching the milling, chattering crowd, god, it’s warm in here. 

He finds what looks like a deserted corridor, that lines the back of the club building, and drifts down it, hand still clutching the slowly warming glass of champagne (his fourth) that he’d taken off a passing tray. 

He recognizes Yeong from his silhouette- of course he does- before he actually sees him. He’s leaning against a pillar- if such a ramrod straight posture could be termed leaning - and he seems to be in conversation with someone opposite him, who’s entirely in shadow, thanks to a pillar and a large leafy potted plant. The clouds clear at that moment, and the moon comes out, and Yeong is smiling, actually smiling, with his teeth and everything, the smile softening the sharp cut of those cheekbones, and the sight stops Gon in his tracks, because Yeong rarely smiles, Gon should know, Gon has worked harder at winning those smiles than at any mathematical problem, but here’s Yeong, smiling at someone who isn’t Gon. 

 He should probably leave- after all, he doesn’t want to embarass Yeong or accidentally crash their rendezvous- but for some reason he can’t move. He can’t move, and he can only watch as the person opposite, comes out the shadow- and that-that is not a girl- no, that’s another cadet, and he’s crossing the two feet between him and Yeong, and now he’s leaning in, a little, one hand coming to rest over Yeong’s shoulder on the pillar behind, while the other comes up to tilt Yeong’s face toward his, and Yeong’s eyes are dark, unfathomable pools, but he’s leaning in, his eyelashes fluttering shut, and then-

No, thinks Gon, No. 

He’s mine. 

And then, appalled, fuck.

 He manages to stumble away without being seen- the other two are too busy-  and listen, it’s not for nothing he’s been trained since childhood to wear an armour of charm and stoic politeness no matter the provocation, and he calls on every lesson he’s ever learnt from endlessly boring state dinners, and even more uninteresting briefings, and manages to get through the rest of the evening without doing what he wants to- destroy every single glittering, happy smile in sight- and grab Yeong’s hand and run. 

 Because Yeong would go along, if he did. Yeong would follow, like he always did, and if Gon- if Gon ever asked him- then Yeong would, of course he would, because Yeong has never ever not given Gon anything he’s asked for, not since he was four and Gon had bought him with a few thoughtless words, said mostly in jest, just so the little boy would stop crying like that, as though it was his world that had ended, and not Gon’s. 

 He lasts the evening, and the next two years, and he never asks Yeong about that night, or any of the nights after, and Yeong never volunteers the information. There’s a part of Gon that’s resentful, that wants to scream, do you trust me so little, do you think I’d love you less because you’re gay, and there’s a part of him that’s glad Yeong never tells him, because if it were- out there- between them, then Gon might become weak one day, and ask, after all, and no, it’s best that it remains unsaid, and it’s fine, it’s FINE. 

 He has Yeong in all the most important ways; he has his time, and his devotion, and his quiet, dry wit that he rarely displays to anyone except Gon, and he has Yeong’s touch, even- Yeong reaching out to pull him up from the floor after beating his ass at taekwondo, Yeong brushing lint off his shoulder after he’s dressed for one of those stupid dinners, the brush of his knuckles against Gon’s suddenly dry throat as Yeong adjusts his tie, the press of Yeong’s shoulders against his as they sit side-by-side watching The Seven Samurai for the forty-seventh time. He has Yeong’s face peering into his as he shakes him awake for the 4 am drill, and he has Yeong’s disapproving frown when he discovers Gon has skipped both lunch and dinner because he got lost in reading this brilliant new paper by Maryam Mirzakhani, Yeong, you don’t understand, the woman is a fucking genius, and god, why is it spinach today, why, Yeong, you’re so cruel to me. 

 They graduate, and then it’s back at the palace, and they slip back into its routines and confinements, and if he applied to the Pope for canonization, surely, he’d get it, because Gon deserves it.

 It’s been ten years since that awful, life-altering realization, and every hour since then has been a lesson in restraint and abject self-denial in the face of the loveliest and most every day of temptations:  to kiss the curve of Yeong’s quiet smiles and run his finger along the sharp blade of his cheekbones; to trace the shell of his ear, and turn fully into the warm heat of his body, that’s always, always within reach, and if Gon ever asked-

Gon doesn’t ask. 

 Then he’s transported to a parallel universe and meets Tae-Eul  and Eun-sup and she introduces him to things like half-and-half and also asks him questions like “what kind of king are you?”, things he has no real answer for, and it’s nice- it’s nice to be able to be honest with someone, to have them treat you like you’re a weirdo, but not like, a royal weirdo, and though he jokes about it with her, one day she says, suddenly, “You can be anyone you want to be here and you’re telling me that you choose to be some stick-in-the mud blueblood?”

She snorts, inelegant, and comfortable within her skin, and that’s when he realizes-

And alright, he has to sell a couple of more diamonds and some rare gold artefacts to arrange it, but then it’s done- he gets to resurrect Lee Ji-hun. Lee Ji-hun is just some guy here, a musician, not a mathematician, living a quiet, ordinary life in a moderately posh neighbourhood.  

 (Tae-eul contests his definition of “moderately posh” when she walks into his large fully furnished studio apartment, all floor-to-ceiling windows, and polished dark-wood floor, but listen, he wouldn’t be able to pull it off if he had to live in actual poverty, sorry, but he has limits. Tae-Eul gives him a distinctly unimpressed look, but probably agrees about his limits, he thinks.

 “You should be a lawyer or a tax consultant instead” she says, touching the beautiful grand piano he’s installed. “They’re rich”.

“Ugh, boring. Musicians aren’t rich here?”

Tae-Eul sighs, “Not ones as mediocre as you” she mutters

“I have never been mediocre at anything in my life”.

“Who told you that, Your Majesty?”)

  The reason he gives her for this entire project is that he wants to draw Lee Lim out into the open, but it’s not just him, but that part he never tells Tae-Eul. He’s told her all about Yeong of course, about his unbreakable sword , and she gives him one of her penetrating looks and says, abrupt, people are not things , and he feels himself flush to the roots of his hair

 I just meant, it’s not like that,  he stumbles, and stops. 

There’s an awkward pause. 

Then she says, quietly, I forget how different your world is. 

 And that’s it, isn’t it?  Here he can be anyone, and if he can be anyone, then he doesn’t have to be Yeong’s lord, and he can be Yeong’s equal, perhaps, and - and- but he doesn’t let himself hope for more. Equal. Friend, perhaps. If that’s all it can be, then that’s enough. 

 So he tells Yeong, who’s been quietly going crazy, he knows, what with Gon’s strange behaviour and disappearances,  about the parallel world, and Yeong says, sharp, and agonized- don’t go where I can’t follow - 

I’m not, he reassures Yeong, and then takes him through the portal. 

He introduces Yeong to Tae-Eul, and then to Eun-sup, and enjoys the mutual horror of the latter meeting very much. Seeing them together is just one more reminder of how much he loves his Yeong, though Eun-sup is adorable- everything about him loose and loud and in the open- in contrast to Yeong’s grave eyes and buttoned cuffs and ramrod spine, and that twist to the corner of his mouth that indicates that he’s suffering at the realization that his doppelganger is a complete goof, and god, Gon should probably stop staring so openly at Yeong, before someone realizes that he’s half a breath away from pressing Yeong against a wall and ruining him.

 He thinks he’s rather given himself away though, the way Tae-Eul is looking at him, something startled and then thoughtful in her eyes.

Yeong is incredibly suspicious of everything about Tae-Eul, though Gon tries to talk him out of it.

Why are you so determined to defend her, Yeong asks, sounding bewildered. 

She and I are bound by fate, Gon replies, quietly. I know it in my heart, just like I know she’s a good person.

He doesn’t quite understand the look in Yeong’s eyes then- a flash of something- so quickly gone that he might have missed it, if he hadn’t been used to watching Yeong all the time. 

But Yeong nods, once, and then says, in his brusque way, “What do you need me to do?”

Enter Lee Ji-hun. 

He gives Yeong the same story that he gives Tae-Eul, except that he doesn’t tell Yeong that there is no Lee Ji-Hun, because his bastard uncle had made sure of that. 

Find a way to befriend him, he tells Yeong instead, and stay by his side here, and if Lee Lim turns up, you have my permission to behead him.

Yeong gives him a dry look.

I don’t think it works like that here, Your Majesty, he says.

He’s my subject, says Gon, and he can’t quite keep a lid on the vicious hate that bubbles up from where he’s buried it all these years, and I am the law.

Yeong is silent for a minute, and then asks, how long?

Tae-Eul and he have worked out some kind of plausible back story for Lee Ji-hun

Anyways, he regurgitates it to Yeong, adding the necessary flourishes when needed, (“He’s supposed to be one of the best pianists in the country!”) who looks increasingly sceptical.

“Well?” Gon demands.

“I don’t see how I’m going to befriend him” Yeong gripes. “It’s not like I can play an instrument”.

Not to worry, Gon and Tae-eul have a plan for that too, though essentially their plan is to move Yeong, ex-military captain, now into private security, into the apartment opposite.

“Ex-military can afford this kind of apartment here?” Yeong asks, incredulous, while Gon narrows his eyes at him.

“Private security pays good money” Tae-Ul offers and gives Gon a look.

Hmm, says Yeong, and then proceeds to strip-search every bit of the apartment while Tae-eul gawks at him.

Gon thinks it’s adorable.

 So begins the most exhausting cat and mouse game that Gon has ever played with himself.

He’s just wondering how to arrange for a ‘chance meeting’ with Yeong- in the lift perhaps? (because he’s sure that despite everything, Yeong would probably take days to make a first move, and Gon simply doesn’t have that time in his schedule. As it is, working it out so that he gets at least four hours of sleep out of 24 has been an absolute nightmare.)

Anyways, he’s still musing on it, when there’s a knock on the door, and he opens it to the sight of Yeong in a half-sleeved t-shirt and loose trackpants and a really sweet smile, asking whether he can borrow some sugar.

Gon nearly expires on the spot, because for years now, even when training, Yeong wears full sleeved shirts with high necks, and this- this- excuse for clothing even has a v-neck, dipping down, and Gon unsubtly tracks the miles of skin between the hollow of his throat and where the dip of it ends, feeling a little like he’s been run over by a train, and he would really like to know why Yeong felt the need to dress like a total harlot to ask a stranger for a half-cup of sugar.

His silence has Yeong back away, with an awkward look.

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you sir” he says, and it’s so stiff and formal, and it snaps Gon out of his idiocy.

“Oh no..not at all…sorry” he says, “I was just…” he snatches around wildly for a plausible reason, “I was just distracted by this piece of music I was composing!”

(what?)

“Oh” says Yeong, “You’re a musician”.

“Please do come in” Gon says, “And allow me to make up for my rudeness by welcoming you with a cup of tea? Coffee?”

“Tea” says Yeong, another surprise, because his Yeong doesn’t touch the stuff, but will drink gallons of coffee.

“Nice” says Yeong, as he looks around the apartment with its modernist furniture, so unlike what they back at home, and the way he says it, so deliberately polite and fake, makes Gon hide a smile.

He walks to the piano while Gon gets the kettle going.

“So you’re a pianist”?

“Yes” Gon replies, easily, “What do you do?”

“I was in the army” Yeong says.

“Which division?” asks Gon, just to be a little shit.

“88th” Yeong replies, lying through his teeth.

Gon is proud of him.

“I’m with a private security firm now” he adds, conscientiously.

“Celebrities?”

Yeong shrugs, another strange gesture, “Mostly corporates” he answers. “It pays well”.

“I don’t suppose I could pay you to protect me” Gon says, smiling.

“Do you need protection”? Yeong’s eyes on him are sharp as he walks slowly toward the kitchen area.

Gon runs his hand through his hair, messing it up, and Yeong’s eyes grow sharper.

Gon had tried to comb it differently, to maintain some illusion of difference, but he’d probably ruined it, he realizes.

“Not really” he says, giving Yeong a sheepish smile. “It’s just that I’m new to Seoul so I could do with some help getting around the place”

“I’m new too” Yeong says, because that’s the story they had agreed to.

“Hey, perhaps we could figure it out together” says Gon, cheerfully. He sticks out a hand. ”Deal?”

Yeong gives him that smile again, and Gon wants to- wants to-

“Deal” says Yeong, taking his hand in a firm, familiar clasp.

 Gon explains away the reasons he stays at home, mostly- “Decided to give myself a break for a month, to settle in”- over tea and then over dinner (it’s not a bother, I was going to make some anyway), they chat about nothing and everything; the good thing is that Gon knows he needn’t worry too much about being “found out” by some inappropriate reference- at this point Yeong doesn’t know much about this world either. Honestly, it’s a piece of cake.

“The Seven Samurai” he says, unthinking, to a question about his favourite movie, and Yeong stares at him for a moment, before looking down into his bowl, and murmuring, “Mine too”.

“We should watch it together sometime then!” says Gon brightly, “I’m due for my annual rewatch anyway”

Yeong gives him a strained smile.

It goes pretty well for two days; Gon pretending he doesn’t see Yeong tag him all around his deliberate tour of the most unsuspicious places, and then in the evening, when Yeong’s gone back to his apartment, after being well dined-and-wined, Gon sneaks out and heads back through the portal, and spends half the night signing papers and reading reports, before he comes in before dawn back to his apartment.

On the third day, Tae-eul asks him to meet her after dinner.

“I’m going to be late” he tells her, already looking at his watch as he approaches her.  “There’s a mountain of paperwork waiting for me back home”.

“What the fuck, Lee Gon???!!!” she yells, and Maximus whinnies in distress.

He steps back, surprised.

“What do you mean?”

“Why haven’t you told Yeong that there’s no real Lee Ji-hun” she hisses at him. “What.The.Fuck.”

He pales.

“How did you find out?”

“Because I’m not an idiot and I’m a detective” she snaps.

“Have you been wiretapping us?” he gasps, outraged.

She snorts, “God you really have no idea about privacy and rule of law, do you? No, you idiot, Yeong called me to dig up more info on Lee Ji-Hun, and as you can imagine, I was curious why he would need to do that!!!!”

“Ah”.

“Yes”.

She ties her hair up, pulling the knot tight.

“Go on” she snaps, “Explain yourself! Do you suspect him of being a traitor?”

“What?! NO! Of course not!”

“Then why this whole game?”

“It’s not a game” he says quietly. “I-you said it yourself- I can be someone else here. I can be someone that- that- Yeong might- love-“

Tae-eul gapes at him

“Even a blind man can see that he already loves you!” she exclaims. “What the hell are you talking about?!”

“He loves the king he was given to”  Gon says, miserable. “I want him to love the man”.

She closes her open mouth with a snap.

“You know” she says, her voice taking on a conversational tone. “In a shittier story, you and I would be the ones falling madly in love, you with your I’ve waited twenty- five years to meet you and tallness and your face and your horse and everything. As if me, a girl from a middle-class family who works her ass off trying to protect law and order, would fall for someone like you, who literally thinks he’s the law and whose idea of “living in poverty” would keep one hundred families fed for a year. And that’s even before this bit of assholery.”

He sits down on the bench with a thump, and says, weakly, “At least we’re not in that story?”

“No” she concedes, with a small sigh. “No, we’re just in a slightly upgraded, but still shitty version where the lone female character is there to knock some sense into the heads of two emotionally dense male characters and keep them from doing something irredeemably stupid, like, oh, I don’t know, ruin the most important relationship in their life because they don’t know how to be functioning adults in a relationship?!”

“Tae-eul” he says, “I can’t-“

“Why not?” she says, “Why can’t you just tell him you’re in love with him?”

“Because I’m his king!” He yells, jumping to his feet.

“I’m his king, and he’s devoted his entire life to me, and he’s never said no to anything I’ve ever asked, and I can’t ask him this- I won’t—"

She stares up at him.

“And when he finds out?” she says, softly. “What then? Or do you think he never will?”

He shakes his head, and sits back down, covering his face with his hands.

“What then?” she asks, relentless. “What happens once we’ve figured this out and caught Lee Lim- how are you going to divide yourself then?”

“I don’t know” he says, muffled. “I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet. I just- I just want some time-some memories-“

“Lee Gon” she says, and she’s back to being kind, even if her words are painfully blunt. “Don’t be a fool. Tell him now before it gets more complicated”.

“No” he says, “No.Tae-eul. I know you can’t understand me or agree with me. But no. I won’t, I can’t give this up—”

Because it’s only been two days, and he’s already used to Yeong’s smiles, and his surprisingly strong opinions about ice-skating, and the way he pauses for a minute, inhaling the scent of his tea before sipping it. He’s used to Yeong sprawled loose limbed, on his couch as they argue about the which team should take the league cup, and hopping around in agony when Ji-hun tries out a new ramen recipe and spice, eyes streaming, and the stillness with which he sits , while Ji-hun plays the first movement of the moonlight sonata, and his eyes when he says, softly, “that was beautiful”.

The last ten years- the last ten years have been an arid desert compared to this- because he’s constantly been on his guard, always being careful not to let his feelings show, trying his damnedest to be the brother and king that Yeong thinks of him as, and Yeong had- Yeong had been the same, he realizes now. Yeong had maintained a distance too- the distance between a liege and knight, even one who was like a brother.

And now the rains have come, and things are sprouting green and wonderful and fresh, and Gon wants to let it grow into a garden, lush and colourful, for whatever time he has.

He wants to wander around this new, strange city with Yeong, discovering its sight and tastes and sounds and smells, and then, tired and happy, he wants to take him home and curl up with him, and he knows- he knows it in his marrow- that it could happen- that he could make Yeong his, really his- if only, if only he had the goddamn time—

“I have to go” he says, dully, rising to his feet.

She nods in silence and watches him leave.

 So that’s what he does, for the next two weeks, wandering between worlds, sleep deprived and bone tired, and the happiest he has been in a decade, Yeong by his side.

He thinks- he hopes desperately- that Yeong is happy too.

In the third week, he shows up as Lee Gon to meet Yeong.

Yeong is in his dark suit, with his collar buttoned.

“Your Majesty” he says, bowing.

They’re in a small diner, nobody looks at them.

If they did, what would they see, Gon wonders.

Would they wonder who these two men are, what their relationship is; one of them relaxed against the cheap faux leather of his seat, while the other sits up straight, tension in every line of his body.

“Relax, Yeong” he murmurs, leaning forward, putting his elbows on the table. “You’ll make people stare”.

It’s almost painful, watching Yeong make the effort.

“Your Majesty” Yeong says, quietly, “Are you well?”

“As you see” he says, with a small shrug. “I’m perfectly fine”.

Yeong’s eyes search his.

It’s fine, Gon has learnt to hide from Yeong.

“How’s Lee Ji-Hun?” he asks.

“Not in any danger” says Yeong, and picks up his coffee mug, taking a deep swallow.

He doesn’t volunteer anything more.

“What is he like?” Gon asks, because he has to know.

Yeong sighs, and then looks up, meeting his gaze.

“Sometimes I think he’s you” Yeong says, “Sometimes”.

Gon feels his heartbeat speed up.

“In what way?”

“He has your face”

“What else?”

“Your Majesty” Yeong says, “I think it’s time I went home”.

“Lee Lim could…”

“Lee Lim is more likely to make an attempt in Corea” Yeong argues, “He’s not interested in Lee Ji-hun, why would he be?”

“Why do you want to go home?” Gon asks, abrupt.

“Because you’re there” Yeong replies, and it sounds- sounds so simple- when he states it like that, and Gon is sick to his stomach.

“You’ll stay here” Gon says, “As long as I want you to”.

Yeong stares at him, the hurt in his eyes obvious.

“Yes, Your Majesty”.

 Later that night, after Gon has- dismissed – Yeong, and taken a long, miserable, lonely walk, he lets himself into the studio. A warm shower might help, he thinks, tired and heart aching.

He’s just pulled on his pajamas and a t-shirt, when there’s a knock on the door.

It’s Yeong.

He’s back to his casual attire, and seems to have showered too, after his meeting with His Majesty.

“Let’s watch Seven Samurai” he says, as he brushes past Gon, not waiting for an acceptance. “I’m in the mood for a movie”.

“Uh” says Gon, befuddled.

There’s one part of him that’s relieved to have Yeong- any Yeong- with him, there’s another that thinks, desperate, I can’t do it anymore, I can’t-

They watch it in silence for a while, sitting two feet apart, Gon with his feet curled up, and Yeong sitting oddly straight, hands in his lap- as if-

Gon thinks there’s an odd tension between them, but he can no longer trust his own emotions and he wants- that’s all he is now, he thinks, a creature stitched of want and weariness-

“Yeong” he says.

Yeong’s dark eyes are on his.

He reaches out a hand and covers Yeong’s hands with it.

Yeong’s sharp inhale, and his exhale are swallowed as their mouths come together.

“Yeong” he moans, after a minute, and his wants and needs are expanding every moment like the universe, and if Yeong doesn’t- doesn’t-

But Yeong does.

He pushes Gon down on the couch and clambers over him, his mouth already red and wet with Gon’s kisses, his eyes burning into Gon’s, and his hands tugging at Gon’s t-shirt.

Gon grabs his wrists.

“Bed” he gasps, and he’s a little shocked at how high and needy it sounds. “I want you to-I need you to-“

Yeong stills.

Please, Gon whispers, and he’s not above begging, he’s not above getting on his knees-

Yeong slides off his legs and gets to his feet, looking down at Gon.  

For a moment they stay frozen like that, Yeong’s wrists locked in Gon’s grip, and all the air in the room is gone, Gon, thinks, lightheaded.

Then Yeong breaks his grip, easy, like he’s trained to do, and he’s hauling Gon up by his hand instead, and into his arms, and then they’re stumbling toward the bed, barely six feet away, clothes flying in all directions as they try to do several things at once, and Gon’s not being kissed, he’s being devoured, he thinks helpless, as he falls into the bed with Yeong above him, something fierce and intent in his eyes, and it reminds Gon of that time they went bungee jumping, the roaring in his ears, the wild thudding of his heart, and sensation of falling, falling, falling, but Yeong’s there to catch him, as he always has been, and always will be.

 Afterward, Gon kisses the top of his spine, and nuzzles at the soft skin under his ear, curled sleepy and content around Yeong, hands splayed across Yeong’s rib cage.

Yeong sighs.

Slowly, his body relaxes against Gon’s and his breathing evens out.

 In the morning, Yeong is already dressed when Gon wakes up, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“Do you have to go so early?” he rasps out. “I’ll make you breakfast”.

Yeong’s smile is apologetic.

“Sorry” he says, “Can’t stay”.

Gon blinks up at him.

“Oh” he says.

“Will I see you this evening?”

Yeong says, quietly, “There’s another matter I have to attend to”.

Gon nods.

This is Yeong trying to let him down gently, he realizes.

“Alright” he says, and oh, is this what heartbreak is, this quiet shattering, surely there should be more noise, “Alright”.

 Of course, he does see Yeong that night, except that it’s as Lee Gon, as himself.

It seems he needs some reminding of that fact.

“Your Majesty”.

Gon has chosen a place that Yeong and Lee Ji-hun had been to just last week, talking and laughing for hours over food and beer.

It’s cruel; he consoles himself that the cruelty is directed toward himself, for Yeong obviously doesn’t care.

He sits, straight-backed and prim as ever.

“How was your day?” Gon asks, eyes on the menu. “Anything new to report?”

When there’s silence, he looks up.

“I’ve compromised the mission” Yeong says, quietly. “I slept with Lee Ji-hun”.

Gon stares.

Whatever else he’d expected from Yeong, it wasn’t this.

“Why?” he says, and it doesn’t matter that his voice comes out strangled.

“Because he has your face” Yeong says, still in that quiet voice,  “Because sometimes, he’s you, and I was greedy, and tired of wanting, but not having, and I couldn’t help myself”.

“Yeong”.

“Is it treason?” Yeong whispers, “To want you like this?”

Gon swallows hard.

“You know” he says, and his voice wobbles, a little,  “There’s sencha at the palace too, but you never drink it there. Why?”

Yeong’s face does too many things for him to parse.

 “Why?”

“I was greedy, and tired of wanting, but not having, and I couldn’t help myself”.

“You never asked” Yeong says, and it sounds like he’s bleeding. “Don’t you know there’s nothing I would deny you?”

“That” says Gon, softly, “was the problem. I wanted you to want me”.

“You are not a soul divided” Yeong says, “not to me”.

Gon nods.

“I know” he says, “but I feel like that. Sometimes. All the time”.

“Gon”

It’s the first time that Yeong has called him that, the first time since they were children, and Gon had stupidly bought a soul without thinking of the consequence.

His name in Yeong’s mouth sounds like that’s where it was always meant to be.

He places his hand on the table, palm turned upward.

“Yeong” he says, “Forgive me”.

Yeong takes his hand and presses a kiss to his palm, and then turns it over, and kisses his ring, the one that means lord, master, king.

His dark eyes are not as unfathomable as Gon had thought, after all.

Gon exhales shakily.

“Alright” he says, “Alright”.

Their fingers tangle and stay that way, while they smile at each other, foolish, and Gon thinks, surely, everybody must be staring, how inconceivable for it to be any other way, when he feels like he’s been lit up from the inside by a thousand suns.

But no one is.

After a minute, Gon says, “Eun-sup told me the japchae here is pretty good as well”.

“Eun-sup” says Yeong, ��knows nothing”.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

finally. i decided to do this. anyways hello there, i am jake and today i want to talk about something; you see, if you are in the tf2 fandom, you probably know about heavymedic. Wherther you are a hardcore gamer who resents f2p’s or a person that never played the game but has trillions of notes on their art- you know heavymedic exists and most of all you probably ship it.

And I find that weird. In the few fandoms in my life I have been in I had never seen a single ship be so widely if not shipped, then accepted. Sure, maybe everyone in the GF fandom knows what Billdip is - for better or for worse. Sure, maybe the HS fandom is 70% shipping.

But I have never ever seen such a phenomenon in a prominent multiplayer game fandom. A fandom, sadly, oftentimes filled with toxicity. Overwatch is very similar here - yet ships are either a hot topic of discussion or straight up ignored. But TF2? In here for whatever reason we ship these two mercenaries. And in this essay I will try and find a reason or two why is that.

Apologies for any mistakes or incoherency. English is not my first language, I need to ramble, and my vocabulary is all over the place.

Content warning: mentions of homophobia, blood, death, mentions of WLW fetishization, nsfw mention. Also MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE TF2 COMICS.

Part 1: Canonical Evidence and Interactions

Let’s be honest: I could ramble about this one for days on end. But I’ll try and keep it short.

First and foremost we have the official videos. And of course the first thing that comes to mind is Meet the Medic.

At the very start of the part where Medic himself appears, we see him telling a joke about a particularly gruesome situation to Heavy.

He laughs along with him, visibly enjoying his company. He even smiles as he waits for another joke. Heavy only shows genuine fear a lot later.

And of course this damn scene always cracks me up. Medic slightly pinches Heavy’s cheek and strokes his lip gently (the other part is almost not noticeable unless you play the video at slow speed).

Of course we all know about the Hand Hold that happens somewhere halfway in the vid. I don’t think I have to explain the gayness in that. The fact their hands stay interlocked even after Medic helps Heavy up. The deep breath Medic takes because even he cannot handle the emotions. That few seconds is unresolved sexual tension manifest.

Overall the short shows a strong feeling of trust between these two. Medic confides in Heavy and reverse. Yeah he puts a baboon heart into his friend’s chest cavity but the fact (as proven at the end of the video) that Heavy was the first one to have an Ubercharge implanted into him shows that Medic at the very least considers him a lab rat.

I treat End of the Line as non-canonical, as do many others, and as such won’t discuss it here. But it will forever crack me up that Valve endorsed such levels of homoerotic subtext.

These two have some short moments in other videos, like for example in Invasion Heavy helps Medic up (CINEMATIC PARALLELS) but it’s nothing major so I guess I’ll skip forward.

Second is their interactions ingame. You might call me a weirdo for trying to find stuff in there but holy shit I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

You thought I was going to fanboy over the “i love this doktor” voiceline huh? Well not really. I wish these two had unique lines if they assist one another.

Heavy is literally listed on the official wiki as the “ideal medic buddy” and multiple pages on that exact wiki say some pretty interesting things.

I have to say something about the Gentleman’s Ushanka and/or Pocket Medic. They are both community cosmetics - but the fact they both got accepted by Valve says a lot. Above is text snipped from the actual wiki.

Last but not least: The Comics. Darned comics. The pair of mercenaries has basically no interaction - unless you count issue 6.

Heavy getting absolutely PISSED when Medic is killed by Ch*avy. Their reunion. Medic referring to Heavy by “my friend” in a totally straight way. Kind of sad Valve wasted an opportunity for them to hug. Maybe they knew their comic artist ships them and wanted to avoid having to answer the Question™.

Part 2: Dynamics

This part’s a bit trickier, mostly due to the reason that I’m new to this whole dynamic analysis thing. Yeah I’m good at spotting canonical evidence but very specific shipping dynamics often escape my gaze.

The most obvious one is Big Guy, Little Guy. Quoting the TVTROPES page:

[…] This trope describes a pair of guys who always fight together, are best friends forever, and quite often have a very obvious hierarchy: The little guy is often in charge […] The little guy is usually listed first, since he’s the leader, and they are always listed together, as if they are one entity. In fact, some episodes may center on the fact that they can’t live without each other. […] If this is a case of Brains and Brawn, the Big Guy is usually the Brawn, and the Little Guy the Brains. It’s almost never the other way around, but in some cases the Big Guy can be rather smart too. […]

A sub-type of this, a common favorite here on Tumblr is known as “small chaotic big calm” and hoo boy if that isn’t these two. I don’t really have much to say here - again I am not an expert.

Part 3: Fandom Impact

So you don’t think Red Oktoberfest (as Heavymedic is sometimes called) is super popular on anywhere else than Tumblr? Wrong.

It’s hard to find TF2 fics on Archive of Our Own not tagged with Heavy/Medic. Of course most of them only contain hints to their relationship but go in the main tf2 tag and I can guarantee you, you’ll gonna see “implied heavy/medic” all the time.

But these two go further than AO3 or Tumblr or Instagram or whatever. They are recognized even within the wider circle of the fanbase. Take this SFM, for example. (I am using the Saxxy Awards version of Secret Lives here mostly due to the fact that the Heavymedic moment is much gayer. In the normal version, the dialogue isn’t changed, but they simply hold hands.)

But it gets deeper. (WARNING: THE GAY MOMENT IN THIS ONE IS NSFW. NOT EXPLICITLY SO BUT JUST A HEADS UP TUMBLR PLEASE DO NOT FLAG ME)

And the best part? The comments are extremely positive. You’d expect hoards upon hoards of homophobes screeching but no, the comments are supportive. Even on places such as Reddit or Youtube, comments like “yeah they’re gay and in love” do not get downvoted/disliked to hell; in fact the opposite.

Part 4: Canon Status

Let’s be real. Most ships are shipped because people want to explore the dynamics in fanfic, fanart or something else. But Heavymedic is shipped because… well, I have no idea.

Actually, I kind of do - but only theories. You see, while the canonical evidence is here, the creators have never said anything about them. No confirmation, no disproval, no hinting, nothing.

But the ship is so prominent! There has to be something causing this!- you say. And to that I present you 2 theories on why Heavy/Medic is so popular.

Theory number 1 states that we simply all choose to interpret their interactions as homoerotic. And this is very easy to disprove - there’s simply no way we just collectively agreed on these matters out of nothing. There has to be something bigger.

And theory 2 states that, well, our interpretation is the desired interpretation. But this is even more ridiculous than theory 1 for a number of reasons. If they are in fact gay, why hasn’t Valve made them canon yet?

A Theoretical Scenario

I am going to ramble big time on this one, so buckle up lads. I’ll discuss a theoretical scenario in which, well, if that was not obvious, Valve confirms Heavymedic as canon. Maybe then we will see why they will probably never do so.

TF2 is considered by typical capital G, alt-right Gamers as a “non-political” game. This means no women (in the game itself, at least, and if even, sexy women only), no queer folk and no minorities (for some reason they accept Demoman but throw a fit if someone draws any other merc as not being pearl white). Team Fortress 2 was around before Gamergate and other things like Gamers Rise Up. It’s a classic and Valve is regarded as the good guy to Epic Game’s bad guy. If Valve did anything to confirm doubts, wherther it be clearing up popular fanon or confirming ships, these people would throw hands. (Although they seemed to ignore when one of the writers confirmed Miss Pauling is a lesbian. Huh.) Even those that don’t play TF2 would come to the aid of their bros.

Let me illustrate with two very similar examples. In both cases these confirmations were the first made by the company as a whole, both are fairly recent and both confirm a character as gay.

First we have the confirmation of Tracer from Overwatch as a lesbian. It was done in one of OVW’s comics. Tracer is the FACE of Overwatch as a whole and while most of the fanbase accepted it (thankfully the Gamers are reluctant to infest ow), some people threw what I can only describe as a hissy fit. At least her girlfriend’s a background character.

Second is Neeko from League of Legends. Unlike Tracer she was added a while before it was confirmed she was gay. LOL is much more toxic and filled with Gamers than OW and holy shit people smeared LOL so much.

Of course these are not accurate to Heavy/Medic. In both of the cases I listed it was girls being wlw and we all know how much cisgender heterosexual gamers LOVE yuri porn. Apparently only girls can be gay because they can jack off to it - if it’s two guys then it’s disgusting. Nevertheless I think these are good approximations - in every case the company gets “shat on” on social media and other sites. With the community that Valve has, I think even if they wanted them to be gay, they would never ever confirm it.

Conclusion

I’m sorry for that ending. I had to theorize a bit. Regardless I’d love if you shared this on other sites, reblogged or whatever - I wasted at least 1 and a half hours of my life on it. Feel free to cite this as a source if someone asks you why you ship the big heavy weapons expert and the feral battle medic.

[msjr0119]

Forgive me

Part 11

This series, includes suicide and abuse.

Based on true events but using TRR characters who are owned by Pixelberry.

Warnings: Death, abuse, swearing.

@annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @drakesensworld @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bbrandy2002 @butindeed @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world @rafasgirl23415 @notoriouscs @yukinagato2012 @dcbbw @qammh-blog @nz1091 @beardedoafdonutwagon @cordonianroyalty @custaroonie @lauradowning29

*******

“Oh my god.”

Riley woke up the next morning, those words and the image of the king in her mind- or should she say the deceased former king. After Constantine was pronounced dead, Liam had demanded that Bastien scrutinised the cctv- Justin was indeed in the study with the king. But after viewing the cctv, he had a few other visitors sneak in without Glen noticing. According to the footage- Glen constantly was falling asleep during his shift. Liam returned to his quarters not knowing how to feel regarding his father’s sudden unexpected death- of course he was upset, but also still held the hatred towards him after the way he had treat Leo and Riley. Then there were the thoughts that had turned into reality prematurely- he was now the King of Cordonia.

“Liam?” Riley kissed him on the shoulder, knowing he was tired and grieving. The previous night after discovering the body of the former king- Riley had contacted Maxwell asking him, no begging him to look after Lucas for a few hours and to ask him to arrange a meeting between herself and Olivia. Sneaking out of bed, she didn’t want to disturb Liam- he now had a lot resting on his shoulders.

******

“Hey little man. You ready to spend a few hours with fun Uncle Maxi? Why do you want to meet with Olivia?” Maxwell’s mind was working overtime, wondering why Riley would want to socialise with Olivia of all people.

“Ohhh, Erm. Well I thought if I was staying in Cordonia I need to get to know the people within Liam’s court. Leo describes her as the hardest person to get along with. So I thought I’d start with the toughest first.” She lied.

“Ahh I’m so glad you’re staying! Go and meet her. She will be having an extravagant brunch at the champagne bar. Here’s the address...”

“Thanks Max. I won’t be long.”

“Take as long as you need.”

Riley left Maxwell, pulling her phone out of her bag- she text Justin. Arranging an emergency meeting just between herself and him.

Ah Riley, so nice to hear from you. Where would you like to meet? I’m sure that Liam will be doing a press statement regarding his father’s death anytime soon- but as you said we need to also do one about yourself and Lucas.

Just meet me in the maze, say in about two hours?

Great.

******

Liam woke up feeling cold, rolling over he realised the reason why. Riley wasn’t there- the warmth of her body that he had got used to had disappeared again. Panicking, wondering where she was- he shot out of bed, before noticing the note on the bedside table.

Good morning handsome,

I hope you don’t mind but I’ve gone to meet Olivia. I want to socialise with people within your court. I know you are going to be busy today- but stay strong. Lord Maxwell (the fun Uncle) is looking after Lucas.

See you later, my king. I love you, Ri xxx

Furious that she would leave him at a time like this, he could throttle her. He needed her. She was now his drug- always putting a smile on his face, making him feel a better man. Thinking about it, he then realised that her note gave him hope that she was staying in Cordonia long term- even with the news regarding Leo’s death. Hoping that today would go quickly, he couldn’t wait to return to his quarters- to his family.

*******

Riley was nervous meeting the Scarlett Duchess, Leo had told her about plenty of stories involving her- at times Riley believed Leo was bullshitting as some of these stories seemed too unbelievable. Meeting her at a champagne bar in the capitol, she didn’t know what to expect. In her head, she needed Olivia’s assistance with the plan she had formed in her head.

“Well well well, if it isn’t the princess in the flesh.” Olivia poured them both a glass of the fizzy liquid.

“Your grace.” Good job Leo taught me this shit. Please like me. Please help me.

“Please. It’s just Olivia or Liv. I was surprised to hear from Maxwell practically begging me to meet you. What is the matter?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard about the former King, and Leo’s tragic death. They are both linked- the same person did this.”

“It isn’t Cluedo Riley. Constantine was on his death bed anyway, hence why he forced Liam to have a social season and quick. Except....” Olivia paused, whilst quirking her eyebrow at the brunette sat opposite her. “Except, he didn’t want that. I don’t blame him in a way. It broke Leo. But I doubt that isn’t the only reason he refused to compete in the royal tradition.” Riley gulped the champagne in one sip, becoming fidgety- this wasn’t the time to talk about traditions or the royal family’s love lives. If no one brought Justin down- the Rhys royal family wouldn’t exist anymore. Sighing, she believed the best way to deal with Olivia was to come straight out with what she needed to stay- no more pussy footing around the situation.

“So. The reason I asked to meet you was because I need your help. Leo informed me about your obsession with daggers. Before the king was murdered- he had hired a ‘press secretary’ for myself and Liam due to the press asking questions and demanding answers regarding myself and my son. This man- Justin is a creep, myself and Leo had met him previously in New York. He killed Leo and Constantine. I need to scare him away, or do something more drastic....”

“What’s that got to do with me?”

“Olivia, I’m meeting Justin. Don’t tell Liam- I beg of you. But I need a dagger.”

“Lying to him already- you really are American trash!”

“Fine don’t help me then, but Liam is the next victim in the firing line.”

“Do you really think he will forgive me if you got yourself hurt? You just waltz in here, then he falls in love with you and wants to marry you.”

“No he doesn’t want to marry me- are you going to help me or not?”

“No I am not. Liam will be safe. He will protect you and the sprog. You may not believe me when I tell you that he is desperate to make you his Queen. So therefore he wouldn’t allow any harm come to you. Now if we are done, I have to go. Riley.... don’t do anything stupid.” Riley nodded, feeling defeated. Out of everyone she had believed that Olivia was her best hope. I’m so sorry Leo, I want to do this to get justice for you. I need to do this.

*****

Leaving the bar, Riley snuck back into the palace- hoping no one would see her. Walking towards the maze, she did a de- tour via the kitchens. Grabbing a small knife, she hid it in her bra- not knowing what was going to happen. Protection. That is all it’s for.

Justin was at the maze, as expected- seeing that smirk made her skin crawl before she knew the truth about what kind of man he truly was.

“Riley, you look incredible as always. I believed that you’d have some bodyguard following you around like a shadow.”

“Why would I? I’m not royalty. I’m just a New Yorker. Let’s get down to business shall we?” Let’s get down to business? Justin wanted to get down to some business- some business that wasn’t what she had intended.

“So, how would you like to introduce the Crown Prince to the press? What is happening between yourself and the new King?”

“I’m new to all this, how do they usually introduce a new member of the royal family? Nothing is happening between myself and Liam- he is Lucas’s uncle.” Lying, she had hoped that if she could convince him nothing was happening- he would potentially confess about his involvement with Leo and Constantine’s death. But then again, he must have been clever to force everyone to believe that Leo’s death was suicidal.

“They would usually do an official press statement, and possibly a ball introducing him. Don’t lie to me Riley. We know how you fall for the Prince Charming act. You was in love with Leo even though he was gay.”

“So could you twist the press to make them welcome Lucas as the crown prince? Of course I loved him- possibly more than I should have done considering his sexuality, he was my best friend- my husband, my sons father. But I have no feelings towards Liam- I wouldn’t put myself through that again. I need to be in a relationship with someone like me, someone who’s not royal. Someone who isn’t noble- like you or Drake Walker.” Drake? What the fuck Riley why would you mention him?

Oh Riley, Drake isn’t who you both think he is- I’ve done my research. Poor Jackson, believing he was his son.

“You mentioned me before the ‘commoner’. I knew you had feelings for me.” Stepping closer to her, she panicked- regretting what she said.

“I was using you as an example. I hate nobility. Don’t you?” Come on arsehole, say something- anything.

“I do. They’d all be dead if it was up to me. They look their noses down at people, without realising who those people actually are.”

“Oh, I bet you are annoyed with whoever did that to the King then, they bet you to it.” She laughed, feeling guilty that Constantine hadn’t even been buried yet- and she was using his death as a joke to attempt to get a confession. “Also, what do you mean ‘without realising who those people actually are’?”

“Trust me, Liam is next. I know. Do you want to know a little secret?” Feeling his hot breath lingering around her ear, she had hoped that her phone was still voice recording. Nodding, he smirked.

“I killed Leo and Constantine. If I was you, I’d runaway with Lucas. Because Liam is next. You don’t know who I am, and what I am capable of. Run! Run away Riley and never return.” Riley’s eyes widened- that was the last sentence used in the last death treat to Leo. Justin winked at her before turning around to leave- pulling the knife out of her bra, she had an adrenaline rush hit at full force. Catching up to him, she knew this was wrong- she wasn’t some crazy serial killer, but she was angry and upset that he believed he could get away with all his actions.

“Hey Justin? You’re a sick bastard!”

*****

Drake, Maxwell and Lucas, knocked on Liam’s door- the two friends agreed that Lucas may put a smile on Liam’s face.

“Come in.”

“Hey Li.” The two men said softly in unison as they entered. Noticing the empty bottle of scotch, they were concerned about Liam’s state of mind. Of course he was grieving along with the rest of the country, panicking about his country’s future, scared for himself, Riley and Lucas- even though he wouldn’t ever admit that. He had to stay strong for the two of them. Lucas walked up to Liam, picking him up he cradled him- afraid to let go. Opening the drawer on his desk- he retrieved some chewing gum, not wanting the young prince to become intoxicated due to the fumes from his breath.

“Silly question, but are you okay? I wanted to make sure before I take Ella out for dinner.”

“I’m fine Drake. Don’t keep her waiting.”

“She understands Liam. If you want to talk- we are both here for as long as you need us.” Liam smiled for the second time that day- feeling grateful for his two closest friends. The first time he smiled was seeing Lucas- his nephew, but somehow in the back of his mind felt like his son.

“So your Majesty, once all this shit has cleared- I suppose you’ll have to ask for a certain person to become Queen, sooner rather than later. I think she will be ace.”

“Max you do know we haven’t even buried Connie yet. Shit. Sorry Li.”

“It’s fine Drake, I knew this day was coming- he wasn’t well.” They all remaining in silence, until a cold breeze blew past them all- before paperwork flew off the table, as well the scotch bottle being thrown at the wall.

“Leo?” Liam had hoped it was Leo, and not Constantine haunting him.

Liam, Riley’s in danger. You need to go to the maze now!

“Why is she in danger?” Maxwell and Drake looked concerned, Maxwell offered to take Lucas as Liam shot up from his chair. Before he could escape the room, the doors swung open, nearly taken off the hinges.

“Liam I’m worried about Riley- she asked me for a dagger at brunch. She mentioned about meeting Justin and for me to not tell you- but I have this awful feeling....”

“We need to go to the maze- I hope you have some daggers with you Liv.”

“Always...”

*****

Liam had insisted that Bastien followed them, as well as bringing extra guards for back up. The three of them separated at the maze hoping to find her. There was an eerie silence within the maze, considering that it was a bright sunny day.

Drake rounded a corner, not knowing what to expect- all he heard Liam say was that Riley was in danger. Hearing footsteps, he stood frozen- recognising the hair- he placed his arms around her, making her jump.

“Riley I’ve got you...” Turning her to face him, the first thing he noticed was blood smeared all over her hands. “Who’s blood is that? Are you okay? What happened to your eye? What happened to your clothes?”

“I... I.... “

“Riley tell me, before Liam finds out...”

“Hey Justin? You’re a sick bastard”

“So? I am the rightful king... didn’t you ever wonder why I was stalking you? I needed to get rid of Leo. I couldn’t bring down the royal family whilst he was still wondering around... put that knife away Riley- you are not a Nevrakis.” Pinning her against the hedge, she held the knife with a tight grip- whilst his hands roamed her body.

“Such a shame that you have become involved- such beauty as yours will be a great loss. Little Lucas will be like Oliver Twist, an orphan.” Snatching the knife out of her hand, he threw it so it was out of their reach. Forcing a kiss onto her lips, she screwed her face up- closing her eyes she had Leo, Lucas and Liam in her mind.

“I want you Riley before I end you. I’m so sorry.”

“Shit did he... you know...?” Riley remained silent before continuing.

Riley couldn’t take it anymore, seeing Lucas’s face in her mind gave her that encouragement to fight. Whilst Justin was engrossed in kissing her neck, she took the opportunity and kneed him in his Crown Jewels. Falling to the ground, holding himself- she didn’t know how long it was- seconds, maybe minutes- it seemed so quick for him to recover and show anger in his eyes.

“You silly bitch!” Seeing him stand up, she retrieved the back up knife- aiming straight into his stomach. Watching him fall to the ground grimacing- she knelt down and watched him bleed to death. “Looks like you wasn’t Just-in time this time. I hope you rot in hell!”

“I’m sure you’ve missed half of what actually happened out... you can talk to me. Or Ella- I’ll go and get her. But first we need to clean you up. I’ll get Bast to remove the body.”

“I missed it out because it’s none of your business Drake- at the end of the day. Justin is gone. Liam is safe. Lucas is safe.”

Drake wanted to push for answers, he knew Justin hurt her in more than one way and it was breaking his heart- never mind what it would do to Liam.

“Drake?” Riley placed her hands behind her back hearing the familiar voice. Drake stood in front of her- knowing Liam was about to lose his stoic expressions and go apeshit.

“Li, erm... don’t be mad. I saw Justin attack Riley. His body is behind there. Bast, could you remove it immediately please.” Riley looked bewildered at him- not knowing how she was going to explain her hands, he smiled at her encouraging her to agree with his fake story of events that had occurred. Olivia noticed Riley cower behind Drake- knowing full well that he was defending her. Wondering why he would do that?

“Ri? Are you okay?” Keeping her hands behind her back, Liam’s heart sunk when he saw her injuries.

“So if you defended Miss America, why is it that she has blood on her hands and not you Walker?” Olivia snapped, knowing full well Riley did it after their conversation at the bar.

“Riley my quarters now!”

****

The walk to Liam’s quarters, was silent as if they was staring in a silent black and white movie- the facial expressions between the two of them was all the communication needed, to show each other how they were both feeling. He had enough to deal with without covering up the murder she had just committed. Opening the door, he let out a big sigh- waiting for her to clean herself up, he didn’t know what the consequences were going to be regarding her killing Justin.

“Don’t be angry with Drake, he was protecting me.”

“I should be protecting you not Drake! How could you do this? You could have hurt yourself more than what you have done already” Liam turned away from her, not being able to look her in the eyes. Barely keeping his stoic expression- he needed to keep her safe.

“Please don’t be angry at me Liam. I’m fine.” Riley felt as if she was back at high school, having a lecture from the headteacher. Knowing she shouldn’t have risked her life, she would have thought that Liam would have had the slight bit of hope that she had saved them all.

“I’m mad at you because I love you Riley! I would have dealt with him...” He snapped at her, not meaning to sound harsh- but he was frustrated that she couldn’t talk to him about what she was planning.

“You have too much to deal with. I wanted to do it for Leo. For your father even though he was horrible. You was next on his hit list- I’ve already lost Leo, I wasn’t losing you too.”

“You could have died Riley! I want you and Lucas to return to New York...”

“What?”

“Pack your things and go back to New York- Kings orders.”

[gayagendaofficial]

Wait, what’s gay lingo? Like, what does twink, bear, etc. mean?

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!

Before I get into actually defining these terms, I’d like to write about a few things:

So this is probably in reference to this post I made. Not to explain the joke to death, but that’s exactly what I’m about to do. I wanted to make fun of how people who aren’t mlm think they know what mlm terms like “twink” and “bear” mean and how they blatantly use them incorrectly everywhere, because they think they’re funny (bc gay men are a joke, right? //sarcasm), or because it makes them look “woke”. It’s an idea I had for the longest time when I saw something a str8 woman wrote about Zac Efron being a twink, in the present. Like yes, Zac Efron was a twink, past tense, but he is absolutely not a twink anymore (if you can even call a str8 man a twink). And she also implied that being a twink is something you can’t outgrow, which is laughable, because it’s kind of a meme among gay men that being a twink is something you grow out of whether you like it or not.

This mostly seems to be a problem among cishet women, since cishet men tend to be too concerned with their “masculinity” to touch gay culture. But since this is tumblr and virtually none of you are cishet, a lot of the times I’ve seen people misuse these terms on this site were LGBT+ people who weren’t themselves mlm. In those cases, the reasons seem more that these people are just misinformed, and they use these terms because mlm use these terms, and we share a community. Part of it comes from the fact that wlw might see the terms “twink” and “bear” as analogous to “femme” and “butch” respectively, which is not true in the slightest (Butch and femme are their own complex thing. What they actually have in common with twink and bear is that few outside their communities actually know what they mean lol).  Another reason might be that other LGBT people see mlm using these terms sarcastically and think they’re being used in earnest; if an actual gay man calls a bodybuilder a twink, he’s probably being sarcastic, and also probably trying to insult him (which is a whole can of worms I’ll open up in a bit).

I’m gonna try to define what “twink”, “bear”, and a couple of other terms actually mean, as well as give a little bit of context to how they’re used and controversy surrounding these identities within gay spaces, partially based on my experience as a gay man and partially based on casual research. I’m just one gay man, and I’m not an expert in queer studies or anything, so take from that what you will. I hope this will be useful to mlm who are just discovering their identities and exploring their sexuality/gender, who are new to the community, and I also hope to inform our siblings elsewhere in the LGBT community. This info could also be useful to cishet allies, although please be mindful of your intentions in using these terms.

Anywho, lets get to the definitions:

A twink is a young, smooth, slim mlm. The definition here is generally seen as being pretty strict on those 3 criteria, although “twink” is sometimes used for older mlm who are skinny and don’t have much body hair. Those last two criteria are the most important, because there are other categories for mlm that fit one of the criteria; an otter is essentially twink + bodyhair, and there’s a whole host of other words for other body types.

The definition of “bear” is a little more flexible than “twink”, although it generally comes down to the inverses of those same 3 criteria. The most important of these is the bodyhair requirement; any definition you find of bear includes something about being hairy. Almost as important as bodyhair is body type, although “bear” covers a slightly larger range than twink in that regard. Usually, “bear” indicates that someone is large or plus-sized, although it can also sometimes be used to describe someone who is muscular in the sense that they are beefy (if you can see a 6 pack, he’s probably not a bear). It’s also sometimes associated with being slightly older, but that’s not nearly as important, and “bear” can refer to any age. The term “cub” refers to mlm with the same body type as a bear, but who are smooth and young.

Now, let’s get into some misconceptions/controversies surrounding these terms. The first of these is that twink and bear are the only two options, and that all mlm fall into one of these two categories, or that other terms are simply variations on those two main terms. This misconception is really only one held by people who aren’t mlm themselves (or are, but are only just learning the terminology). These terms are extremely specific, and the fact of the matter is that the vast majority of mlm don’t fit into either of these categories. And that’s ok! There are a ton of other words mlm use to describe themselves. I’ve already mentioned “otter” and “cub”; there’s also “jock”, which refers to muscular mlm; “wolf”, which also refers to muscular mlm, but specifically hairy ones (with a bit of overlap with the “beefier bears” I mentioned earlier); the relatively new term “twunk” which you may know from this video as “a combination twink and hunk”; and many many more. In addition, all of these categories are really just physical descriptions of your body, and don’t have any bearing on anything else. You don’t need to fit into any of them.

That being said, there are a number of stereotypes associated with these terms, and it is important to address them.

Our next misconception is one that’s as common among mlm as as it is among everyone else: that twinks are by definition fem, and bears are by definition masc. “Masc” and “fem”, short for masculine and feminine respectively, come with their own host of problems, and that is a can of worms that I am not going to open up right now. This post is long enough as it is. If you want the sparknotes version of the controversy surrounding the masc-fem dichotomy, it basically boils down to misogyny, transphobia, and internalized homophobia. But back to twinks and bears: I would like to assume that it’s obvious that your body type or bodyhair has absolutely no impact  on your personal presentation of gender. There are plenty of fem bears and masc twinks. But unfortunately, most people don’t seem to get this. And this super important, because the gendered way we think of these terms affects everything else I’ll be talking about in the remainder of this post.

My next point, which is really and observation based on my experience in the gay community, is that bear as a term seems to be much less… loaded. However, being a twink myself, there might be a gap in my personal experience, so any bears feel free to correct me. However, from what I’ve seen, “bear” isn’t really used as an insult in the way “twink” is. Which is a bit of a miracle, considering how prevalent fat-shaming is in the gay community. From what I’ve seen, bear isn’t a term that’s forced on you, it’s a term that bears choose for themselves, almost always in a positive way. It’s a term associated with body positivity, and bear communities seem to be much less toxic than the gay community as a whole. Even when it’s used to describe someone else, it’s always a neutral statement of fact. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it used as an insult, or even sarcastically. The worst I’ve seen of it is that it’s used as a porn category, which contributes to the fetishization of fat people; but then again, twink and jock are also porn categories, so it would be weird for bear not to be. This isn’t to suggest that bears are treated better than anyone else in the gay community, if anything they’re treated worse; just that the word “bear” itself has neutral to positive connotations. (Again, any bears correct me on this if you’ve seen it used negatively!)

Twink, on the other hand, is absolutely used as an insult, and frequently. And while this may sometimes be harmless, more often than not it’s really problematic. If you’re plus-sized and you use twink as an insult in the same vein that Nicki Minaj said “fuck the skinny bitches”, that’s completely fine. Twinks are seen as being desirable (if they behave a certain way; more on that later), so effectively it’s punching up instead of punching down. However, a good 95% of the time that “twink” is used as an insult, it really comes from one of the many stereotypes that all essentially boil down to the idea that twinks are fem. And the idea that being fem is inherently bad and insult worthy is, once again, rooted in misogyny, transphobia, and internalized homophobia. 

This association between twinks and femininity also has a lot of scary implications on the beauty standards twinks are held to. I’ve noticed that twinks fill a niche in the gay community that is similar to the role cis women are supposed to fill in western culture as large, and that we’re only seen as sexually valuable if we perform the same behaviors and meet the same beauty standards that are typically reserved for women. We’re bottoms by default, submissive both in and out of the bedroom (yes I actually am a sub bottom, but that’s beside the point). We’re supposed to maintain a completely smooth, hairless appearance; a shaved ass is the bare minimum of hygiene. I once met a guy on grindr who demanded that I be completely hairless everywhere beneath my eyelashes, and while that’s a bit extreme, he was by no means an outlier. Just today I talked to a guy who wanted me hairless between my neck and knees. We’re often seen as vapid and stupid, and infantilization of twinks is rampant (some guys put way too much emphasis on the young part of the definition). And, to cap it all off, there’s the racism! Who’d’a thunk that all forms of oppression are connected? (sarcasm). Twinks can of course be any race, but the ones you’ll see men on grindr going after the most are white or light-skinned Asian twinks. Combine that with stereotypes of Black, Latino, and Middle Eastern men as dominant and aggressive, and you have a whole slew of white supremacist ideas painted over with a thin coat of gay porn.  (mlm of color who’d like to add or correct me on anything, please do so!)

I’ll end this already long post with a comparatively brief discussion on who these terms apply to. Basically, if you’re an mlm and you fit the definition of “twink” or “bear”, congratulations! You’re a twink/bear! “Can bi men use these terms?” Of course! “What about trans men?” Are you attracted to men and male-aligned people? Then of course! That last one might be controversial to some cis gays, and to that I say fuck right off. However, it does get a bit muddier with trans women and transfem nonbinary people and the word twink. Trans women are absolutely not mlm, but many of them have been a part of mlm communities for a long time, often before they even realized they were trans, and some may be reluctant to give up the word twink (I haven’t seen this for bear, although again, lmk if you’ve seen evidence to the contrary). And on top of that, a lot of cis men looking to have sex with trans women conflate trans women and cis twinks. Because remember what I said about twinks filling the niche of women? It’s often a niche they share with trans women, except trans women have it even worse, because they are actually women. My two cents is, if a trans woman wants to refer to herself as a twink, she’s more than welcome to. Just don’t go around calling trans women “twinks” unless they specifically say you can; it’s a gendered term, you are misgendering them, and, once again, you can fuck right off. (trans women also please comment if you want!)

Well, anon, I bet you weren’t expecting a post this long. At least I hope y’all learned something! Be gay do crimes!

[joyofcrime-elinorhigh]

Scary Godmother: Halloween Spooktacular REVIEW:

Hello there, everybody. My name is JoyofCrimeArt and Halloween is right around the corner. Enjoy it while you can because the minute Halloween is over you know that big business and mass media are going to start bombarding us with Christmas music and advertisements twenty four seven, (assuming they even wait that long.) But regardless of that THIS time of year is celebrated with candy, pumpkin spiced everything, and of course Halloween specials. You got your Charlie Brown's and your Over the Garden Wall's and such, but if you ever watched Cartoon Network during the month of October during the early to mid two thousands their is one special you must of at least glimpsed at least once. That special is Scary Godmother: Halloween Spooktacular!.......Ah, I see what you did there, it's a pun on... yeah, well played special.

In case you don't know Scary Godmother is an animated CGI Halloween TV special created by Rainmaker Entertainment in 2004. It is based on the children's book and comic series of the same name created by Jill Thompson. This special was a staple of Halloween on Cartoon network for many years and even got a sequel entitled "Scary Godmother: Jimmy's Revenge" the following year. Now is this special any good. Ehhh-Ye-No....Sorta? Let's talk about it.  The first thing you'll notice about this film is it's animation. It's...not the best looking by today's standards for sure. CGI from this era is definitely dated by this point, but it's hard to blame the special for it's animation given that it was only 2004. Plus the special does offer up it's own sort of style in many respects. The character designs on the humans aren't very good, as a lot of the time they do just looked like pallet swapped versions of the same model, but the designs of the actual monsters later in the special are really creative looking, just like in the books. Plus they do this neat thing where a lot of the backgrounds will be hand drawn illustrations and certain props will have a cool "pop-up book" element to them. So yeah, the animation is pretty dated, but I'm glad that they did something to make it have it's own unique look. So I can forgive it for the most part.  The special opens up on Halloween night as we see three kids, Daryl, Bert, and Katie dressed in Halloween garb outside of the haunted "Spookhouse." Katie is dressed up as a cat, which is sensible enough, but Daryl is dressed up as a piece of candy, Bert is a baseball driver in his SUV. It's dumb and cheesy but in a charming and kinda amusing kind of way. Anyway, then we Jimmy appear on top on a tombstone dressed in his devil pajamas, but he is quickly knocked off of the stone be the light from a flashlight held by his younger cousin, Hannah, our main protagonist for the story.  Now here is where things start to get a bit odd. Jimmy asks why Hannah is flashing the flashlight around, and then the three other kids jump in calling for a "flashback." Now some fourth wall humor isn't the weird thing, but what's weird is the fact that we don't actually get any real "flashback." instead we get a scene of the characters reenacting a scene where Hannah's parents give Hannah the flashlight with Daryl and Katie playing the part of Hannah's parents. But the thing is, 1.) Jimmy and Hannah clearly came to the Spookhouse separately from the other three kids because they show up afterwards, so there's no way that Katie and Daryl could of known the specifics of how Hannah got the flashlight. 2.) Jimmy was in the flashback, picking Hannah up before going trick-or-treating! So how was he confused by Hannah's flashlight? He saw Hannah's parents give the flashlight to Hannah! I mean I suppose he might not have been paying much attention to what Hannah was doing since Jimmy wasn't in the exact shot where Hannah's Dad (played by Daryl.) gave Hannah the flashlight, but still! Also then there's like this wipe, where Hannah comments that that was close to how it all went down. With, Bert even being annoyed he didn't have a role in the flashback, so I'm not even sure if that scene even happened at all! It's hard to explain but it's a really bizarre scene. Point is, Hannah's dad gave Hannah the flashlight, saying that light from a flashlight could scare away monsters.  Anyway, while Hannah is off flashing her flashlight around Jimmy talks to his friends. Jimmy comes with the idea to trick Hannah into enetering the old Spookhouse. That way Hannah would run home scared and they could trick-or-treat without her, since there "big kids" and she isn't. The other three are against it at first but end up being tempted into evil by the silly devil hoodie clad little boy. So they tell Hannah that there is a monster in the Spookhouse, and every Halloween the new kid must go inside and give the monster a piece of candy or else the monster will come out and eat every kid in the world. So Hannah goes into the house, and is tricked into thinking the house is full of monster due to Jimmy's amazing work at creating hand shadows.

I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE OR HOW GOOD YOU ARE, HANDS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!  Anyway the big kids run outside the house leaving Hannah in, holding down the door knob so she can't run away. Even though the whole plan was to make her run away. They just want to traumatized the kid a little more. Y'know, for the lol's and such. Anyway Hannah starts crying until suddenly her Scary Godmother appears! Hannah is at first to sad to even notice this, but eventually Scary Godmother is able to get her attention. Now you may be wondering what is a Scary Godmother, and the answer to that is obvious! It's..um...I guess there like Fairy Godparent's but...spoopier? Or something? I dunno, it's not really touched upon much. All that matter's is that Scary Godmother is going to kidnap-I mean-invites Hannah to her home on the "Fright Side" for her Halloween party, so she can introduce Hannah to all of her monster friends in order to help her get over her fear of monsters.  We get this weird scene where Scary Godmother has Hannah get on her broom and they fly up the chimney and into the sky to get to the Fright Side. They fly through this weird cloud monsters mouth and then end up there, but what I don't get is if Hannah flew up the chimney how come none of the big kids saw her? Also later in the film they don't seem to need to fly back in order to get back into the Spookhouse. I figured that the Fright Side was tied to the Spookhouse but they seem to be flying away from the house in order to get there. WHAT ARE THE RULES HERE! NO, YOU'RE OVER THINKING THIS!  Anywho they end up in Scary Godmother's house located on in the Fright Side. I like the design of the house, it oozes Halloween and the pop up book aesthetic really shines here. Scary Godmother begins introducing Hannah to all of her friends. Starting with her "Broommate." (Yeah, I hope you like puns, cause you're going to be getting a lot before this 44 minute film is over.) Mr. Pettibones, a Skeleton who lives in peoples closets. Much like Pearl from Steven Universe his main personality trait...is being really gay. *OH MY GOD, IT WAS A JOKE, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME STEVEN UNIVERSE FANS* I swear as a kid I never got the joke that he was suppose to be a skeleton "in the closet." but it's actually kinda clever looking back on it now. And all joking aside he's not a bad character. He does act as the sassy gay best friend to Scary Godmother but he is a funny character who has a role in the story. He's the one setting up most of the party. Mr. Pettibones also explains more to Hannah that not all monsters are bad.  We then cut back to Deryl, Bert, Katie and Jimmy waiting outside of the house waiting for Hannah to come out screaming, annoyed that it's taking so long and-OMG WHAT THE HECK!

We get a Black Hannah and what I think is just a literal clone of Katie, except she's in a bee costume. Who cares about this story, I want to know about the secret underground cloning lab that exists in this town! Anyway as I said the big kids are waiting for Hannah and Daryl and Katie are trading candy, because they decided to trick-or-treat a little before meeting up with the rest of the gang. Katie offers Deryl a piece of candy for "three kisses." And they go in to kiss before Bert interrupts them. I wonder where this romantic subplot will lead........  (It leads nowhere.)  Back on the Fright Side it's time for Hannah to meet another one of Scary Godmother's monster friends. This time a werewolf (or is it wolf man?) named Harry. Harry is...pretty much the worse. He's dumb, arrogant, rude, and overall self absorbed, with food being the main thing on his mind as he mooches off all of his friends. And I'm not saying this as an insult to the film, because the film acknowledges it! Nobody in the film likes this guy! And to be fair he's not too annoying to the audience, as he seems far more annoying to the characters in the film, but still. It's weird why they even bother inviting this guy. Even when Harry isn't doing something wrong everyone at the party seems to have disdain for him, which in some ways makes me actually feel bad for him. But then he does something else selfish or annoying to make me feel less sympathy towards him, which I guess is good since the film isn't trying to make him sympathetic I guess? You'll see more as I go forward with the review, but yeah. Harry is THAT guy. The guy we all know, the friend that we don't like but we just got to put up with.  Harry goes up to Hannah thinking that she is an actress in his favorite "Skelevision" show. (Ha Ha! The puns have returned!) I wonder where this subplot of Harry thinking Hannah is an actress will lead........  (It leads nowhere.)  Though I do appreciate the film diverting from the cliche "Vampires vs Werewolves" rivalry, instead opting for a "Skeletons vs Werewolves" rivalry, which makes a lot more sense when you think about it. Though this rivalry probably has less with race and more with everyone hating Harry.  So after that it's time for the next guest to arrive. We get the vampiric couple of Count Max, Ruby, and their son Orson. Wait a minute....Max....Ruby.... 

 MY GOD!  Scary Godmother invites the vampires in. (Because vampires can't enter a house uninvited.) and Hannah starts befriending Orson. It's a really cute scene and makes some great use of a rotating camera angles. Orson is also really fun with his awkward childishness contrasting the fact that he is a vampire. Hannah and Orson's friendship just feels like a genuine friendship in the way kids there age becomes friend. (Also it's a better love story then Twilight, am I right? Yuk Yuk Yuk?)  Oh and there's also a pointless chase scene...moving on.  Also throughout the film Harry keeps becoming incapacitated. First he get's peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth making him unable to talk earlier in the special, and then he get's hypnotized into a trance by Count Max.  We then get our next guest, the monster named Bug-A-Boo. A giant multi-eyed fanged monster. I love his design due to it's uniqueness and while he's not actually scary looking to the audience, if you where to imagine this thing being in the real world it would be terrifying. And Hannah agrees with me as Bug-A-Boo is the monster that causes her to finally freak out. And can you blame her. One of his teeth is the SIZE OF HANNAH!

Also there's a genuinely funny bit with Hannah screaming, then Scary Godmother telling her to breath. She breaths and then starts screaming again. Good stuff.  Anyway another chase scene begins and Hannah tries to shine the flashlight on Bug-A-Boo. Only to find out it doesn't have any effect. Scary Godmother lies to Hannah telling her that flashlights only work on monsters who live in the closet, not under the bed. Hannah says she wants Bug-A-Boo to leave and he begins to comply. This is when she see's that looks don't matter, and that Bug-A-Boo is actually nice. Though is he that nice? We learn that his job is to scare children by hiding under there beds, which is pretty much the same thing that the big kids do to Hannah, and their treated as the villains. Also do you think whatever company Bug-A-Boo works for is a rival company with Monsters Inc?  With all of the guest arrived the monsters and Hannah begin their Halloween party. We cut back to the big kids and theirs a bizarrely funny bit with a Bert saying that his "Door is ajar." there's no logical reason I find it funny, but I do. Also that cut to the big kids lasted exactly 19 and a half seconds and only exists to do the "Door is ajar" bit. WORTH IT! Then we get a very brief dance sequence with the monsters and then cut BACK to the big kids. Because...why not? The night is ending and the big kids have, for all intensive purposes ended. Katie wants to go an rescue Hannah but Jimmy is insistent on waiting for her to come out of the house on her own.  Jimmy you're plan isn't very good! You have your little cousin run into an old abandoned house that has a frickin' GRAVE YARD it it's front yard, and then spend like, hours, waiting for her to run out. Why not just go in there and see if she's scared? If she is she'll probably agree to have you take her home. I means she's must of been there for a while since all of the houses are turning there lights off, so if she wasn't scared before what would make you think that she's be scared now. What do you think she's been doing this whole time?! You wasted your whole Halloween on faulty logic! If you wanted to get more Trick-or-Treating done you should of just cut your loses and given up long before now! But no, you still hold on to this plan. What is she was attacked by a murderous clown or something!? Who knows what kind of non supernatural threats could be inside this creepy old house. Jimmy you are so stupid!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgxYUxqcg1Q

Ugh! So anyway Jimmy says that they should continue with his idiotic plan because he's the leader, and all of the big kids get into an argument on who the leader is. There's a bit decide to do a vote on who should be leader and they each get one vote each. Bert and Jimmy vote for themselves and Katie and Daryl vote for each other. (Which is a cute moment and the one of the only bits of continuation for their "romantic subplot.") Then if that wasn't pointless enough we get a scene of Bert demanding recounts and Daryl recounting the votes. Granted the scene is kinda funny, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't pointless.  Back in the Fright Side we get more interactions between our colorful cast of characters, and we get to see a bit more of Hannah and Orson and also some interactions with Max and Ruby. We get to see Max is sort of introverted and behind the times. He wants to be, in his own words, "groovy." I like Count Max a lot because of this and most lines from him get a pretty good laugh out of me. He's kinda like a less silly version Count Dracula from the Hotel Transylvania series. Again, it's good stuff.  So then it turned out that Harry, the Scumbag Steve of the monster world, has eaten all of the buffet. (Though in Harry's defense, before this scene none of the other monsters where letting him eat any of the buffet, which does seem a bit unfair. It further goes to show how odd it is that they even invited him if he wasn't even allowed to partake.) So now that there's no food left And thus Bug-A-Boo suggests that they should order pizza. And thus we begin the pizza sub plot! I call it the sub plot because the whole pizza scene takes up a total of four minutes (not counting the cut back to the big kids that occurs in the middle of said subplot.) and contributes almost nothing to the story! I know that four minutes does not sound like much, and it really isn't, but consider the fact that the special is only 44 minutes long. So that's an eleventh of your whole story! Keep that in mind.    So we then get a scene where we learn that Bug-A-Boo and Hannah both like pizza with extra cheese and olives on it. Further cementing that fact that Bug-A-Boo is nice and doesn't eat little girls. Proving that no matter how different people look or act we can all bond over are love for pizza. World peace is truly a possibility here folks.  So they have Harry order the pizza's because they clearly haven't learned there lesson by this point and he ordered twelve pizza's, and Scary Godmother doesn't have enough money to pay for it. There's a funny bit where the pizza delivery boy offers to give them the pizza's on the house is Scary Godmother gives him her soul, but she declines. Scary Godmother, Mr. Pettibones, and Hannah try to get some money by taking all the money that got stuck to Bug-A-Boo from being under the beds all day. Hooray for stealing money from your friends! (Which he accidentally stole from children!) Also the pizza's are said to cost about 200 dollars, and Hannah even mentions finding a 50 dollar bill. I know Bug-A-Boo goes under a lot of kids beds but how many kids who are young enough to be scared of monsters under the bed really have that much money under there beds. Even I've never seen a fifty dollar bill before, and I'm way older then those kids would be!  So then Scary Godmother chastises Harry for buying to many pizza's, telling him that he's going to make it up to her by working for her until he makes up the money. This is actually a major plot point in the second special, if you can believe that. Also Harry doesn't get any of the pizza. Poor Harry. If only he wasn't so darn awful I wouldn't feel so conflicted in feeling bad for him!  There's also a funny joke where Count Max recalls an old conversation he had. "-But other then that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the show!" It's funny because her husband was shot right in front of her...oh, now I've bummed myself out.  Then Hannah tells the monsters why she's here, and gives Bug-A-Boo a piece of candy in exchange for not eating everyone in the world and that's when the monsters tell Hannah that she had been lied to by Jimmy. We also learn that Jimmy is one of the kids on Bug-A-Boo's route and that even big kids get scared. Then Scary Godmother comes up with a plan to get back at Jimmy. It's time to go Toy Story on those fools.  Outside the Spookhouse the big kids finally decide to enter the house, even though by now they seem scared to enter it themselves, which would make a logical reason why they didn't go in to get Hannah by now, except they where in the Spookhouse earlier in the film when Jimmy was making his magical shadow puppets. They walk inside and see Orson, thinking he's just a kid in a costume. Orson get's mad that they don't think that he's a vampire and called out his parents form the closet, as Count Max and Ruby say that there going to eat the big kids. They run in fear from the actual vampires and end up coming across all the other monsters all threatening to eat the kids. Harry ends up actually trying to eat Daryl thinking that he's a actual piece of candy. So that's one potential human casualty that could of occurred as part of this plan. They then find Hannah and Hannah uses her flashlight to "defeat" the monsters, as every time she points the flashlight at one of the monsters they pretend to die. Scary Godmother even frickin' melts. The big kids end up running out of the house scared and Scary Godmother gives Hannah a magic key, telling her that if she ever wants to return to the Fright Side she can, and all that she would have to do is use that key on any door. Jimmy asks if Hannah wants to hold his hand for "her protection" and she agrees. The special ends on the valuable moral that "Revenge is great!"  So in conclusion, is Scary Godmother: Halloween Spooktacular any good, and is it worth watching? Ehhhhhh, I think it depends on who you are. This special, from a technical standpoint, isn't that great. There are a ton of flaws with it. The animation is dated, the special is overall pretty plotless, there is a ton of filler, and some of the choices made by the characters don't make to much sense. So if you want a special that is better on a more technical level, one with better story, animation, ect. then this special probably won't be your cup of cider. But if you have nostalgia for the special, or if you don't mind some cheesiness and just want a fun but kinda dumb special that will put you in the Halloween mood, you might end up enjoying it. I had more fun watching this special for this review then I expecting to be honest with you. So maybe consider checking it out sometime.  What do you think of Scary Godmother? What do you think of the sequel (which I hope to review next Halloween, from what I remember it's one of the few sequels that is better than the first one, though that not that difficult considering this special.) Leave your thoughts in the comments down bellow, I love to hear what you guys think. Any suggestions for things I should review. Suggest them down bellow and maybe I'll do em' if I find them interesting enough. Please fav, follow, and comment if you like my review and have a great day and Happy Halloween!  ...Oh, and did you know that Scary Godmother is played by Rarity from MLP:FIM? And Hannah is Princess Cadance? It's weird. (I do not own any of the images or videos in this review all credit goes to there original owners.)

[transboygenius]

SE4SON: Chapter 1

Can...

Our story begins with Retroville's monarch of all things cool, Nick Dean, shutting himself in his bedroom, with the door locked. He sat at his desk, writing on a piece of paper with light hovering over. Every word he wrote down was in cursive. He was trying to complete a romantic letter to an unknown kid he wants to confess his true feelings for, but that kid should never know who their secret admirer is. That kid already has a partner of their own, or at least he thinks so. Not only has Nick disguised his handwriting for an identity seal, but also the note never included any pronouns or references to the writer's gender. Why go through all that trouble? Because, young reader, that kid he's writing to is a boy. Not a girl, a boy. A boy that left the young man's heart throbbing. The boy, probably straight, would freak out if Nick introduced himself as another boy in the letter. It's best if Nick didn't give the boy any hints of the writer being male, but he doesn't have to give any hints that he's female either.

This boy; He was short, arrogant, serious, nerdy, somewhat of a prick, he's the fault of all the calamity he saves us from, but Nick couldn't help but still adore him. Said boy has gotten on his nerves occasionally, but he always forgave him in the end. He can't stay mad at someone he's deeply fond with. He was talented, brave, and spirited, something that aroused Nick. While others find him annoying, Nick finds him cute. Of course, nobody should know that, so he plays along with the crowd. They wouldn't mind Nick being attracted to a nerd, but they would since this nerd is a boy like him. Nick would treat him like any other kid would, but inside, he apologizes afterwards. In all truth, he sympathized with the boy, but he's not allowed to be opened about it. Everything this boy did impressed him, as well as inspired him too. Luckily, nobody has ever caught Nick with any signs of him having a crush on said boy, because they are unaware of the young man's talent. He's a pretty good damn actor, one of the best you might say. He hasn't gotten all those main leads in school plays just by sitting around. However, what they don't know is that Nick also acts offstage, in real life. He's afraid people are not ready to know the real him, especially who he's in love with. Not even his own mom could see through his acting performances.

Boy and boy don't belong together, everyone says. They can be brothers, or friends, but not lovers. The same implies for girl and girl. In fairytales, the prince will only get a happy ending with a princess. In television and movies, two boys and two girls aren't allowed to show affection towards each other, so either will only end up with their intended opposite-gender love interest. Nick has seen it all, and it makes him sick to the core. These hetero romances in fiction are always so boring, forced, and unrealistic. Who falls in love in the middle of a battlefield? Why are love-hate (or abusive) relationships considered cute? That character could've had a much more healthier relationship with their same-sex bud. When queer characters are featured in media, which can only be aimed towards older audiences, they are portrayed as villains, then killed off in the end. And when not playing the villains' role, they are still killed off. All Nick asks for is positive representation of people like him, so he can actually love himself for once. Male and female romances are what people describe as "normal love." Meaning, you're only normal if you're heterosexual.

...anybody...

As for his feelings for said boy, he hasn't felt this way for another boy since preschool. During those early years, he had a crush on a boy, who loved to play dress-up and make macaroni art. Nick even drew a picture of them holding hands together. He didn't know anything about sexual orientation at that time, or what was considered right/wrong, he just believed in love. That afternoon, before Nick's mom came to pick him up, he walked up to that boy with a flower in hand. The boy freaked out and backed away in the corner, throwing building blocks towards him while saying Go away! Nick was just confused. Maybe he picked the wrong flower, he thought. When the children's parents finally arrived, the boy ran to his dad for comfort, and told him everything that happened today with a "scary boy."

This stirred up conflict between the boy's father, and his father, each one of them trying to put the blame on whose fault is it for Nick being into boys. When his emotional abusive father returned, he set Nick down on a chair, and yelled at him for two whole hours, cursing while hitting him with degrading words that stung his brain like needles. His father then showed him some old newspaper articles on the ugly truth, with graphic imagery, about how society treats minorities like him. He even threatened to boil him alive if he ever catches him being lovey-dovey to another boy again. Not really, but he knew how to scare his son straight. Daniel Dean didn't have any concern for Nick, he just didn't want to live under the same roof with a f*gget. After their man-to-man talk, Daniel restricted Nick of TV and his toys for two months. His mother was never angry, but she solely took his attraction in boys as a phase. He's currently 12 now, and he still hasn't grown out of this so-called phase.

Although Daniel walked out on his family a year later, part of him still remained with Nick. He's not here to hurt him, but that doesn't mean anyone else won't. He scared he might get shot in the head just for winking at a boy. Two male friends can't hug each other without being called sissies. If a boy takes interest in feminine things, such as glitter or Bonnie dolls, he is deemed a circus freak. No doubt, being openly gay in this society is dangerous. His kind is subjected to crude jokes and violence. Gay people are often visualized as explicit beings, and grown-ups fear children will start engaging into sexual activities if they're ever exposed to a same-sex pair kissing or holding hands. Most folks just find their way of love repulsive. Worse, Nick's a gay minor. Parents think they have the right to presume sexuality for their kids, looking upon homosexuality as for adults. He could grow up into a professional athlete, he could have muscles bigger than on any man alive, he could even take down a whole war by himself, but none of that will matter if he's gay. No amount of macho will save him from being dehumanized. Ever since he moved to first grade, he changed his image, took on a new personality, and lived as Retroville's new bad boy. He flirted with multiple girls, and kissed them on the cheeks. This was not who he really was, but people liked him that way. He has been living his entire life behind a mask. It can be tiresome pretending to be someone you're not, but it's what he does to protect his identity, even from who he loved. Nick Dean is the most popular kid in school, and if his true self ever came out, his social life would plummet.

As he reached fourth grade, he stopped all the kissing and flirting, for his own relief. Successfully convincing everybody he's straight, there's no need to try no more. However, he still lets his groupies get all over him. He doesn't have to persuade girls anymore, because now he can ignore them if he wants. Those poor empty headed broads; always fawning over him and trying to touch him. The other day, one of them stole his shorts from his gym bag. Sometimes, they will even fight each other for his love. Friendships were even ruined over sheer jealousy, just for talking to Nick. They'll take anything from the most gorgeous boy in town, whether he wears it or it came out of his mouth. While Nick respects them, and appreciates the fandom they built around him, he'd love them more if they all just leave him alone. He doesn't want any of those girls, nor do those girls have any chance of winning his heart. The only girl in his life is Betty, and she's his best friend.

...find me...

His eyes only set on one person, and that's the said boy. However, like the girls on him, Nick isn't likely to win the love of this boy, cuz he's probably straight. The boy used to hate girls, but it was only a phase most little boys go through: The cootie-phase. Nick never had a cootie phase, he had been gay all his life. This boy hit on multiple girls. Some were older than him. Said boy was head over heels for Betty Quinlan, tried to sweep this rodeo chick off her feet, and is possibly romantically involved with that Cindy Vortex. How? They hated each other. All the boys hate Cindy. Yet, Nick watched them as they slowly grow closer to each other. Things are changing, and so are they. The way those two suddenly turn nervous for one another, speak sweetly, and almost kiss. He once caught them playing footsie under the table, when he dropped to pick up his pencil. Their relationship is a hot and cold mess, yet they still don't part. One day, they're at one another's throats. The next, they're back to sweethearts. Day one, she strangles him to a near death, but then day two, they are going out to lunch hand in hand as if nothing happened.

The pairing was distastefully dysfunctioned, but why doesn't the boy see it? One thing for sure. Him and Cindy are both smart. Nick gets C's and B's. She always participated with him during missions. Nick's the one to only watch the events happen before him, maybe because said boy never asked him to tag along. The boy had more potential with Cindy than any other girl. She's always there for him, not Nick, despite her bratty and violent behavior. Nick does absolutely nothing about this, however. How could he even compete with that? Cindy used to be infatuated with Nick, but she was probably using him to make said boy jealous. Good thing Nick sought no interest in her. He hated seeing Cindy and the boy together. The way they hold hands and flirt twisted his stomach in knots. He could be a better lover to that boy than Cindy, and give him whatever he wants, but Nick knows he had no right to interfere.

This was the life of said boy, and he should do whatever makes him happy. Those two are together because they love each other. Nick's love is merely unrequited. What's the use of trying to win over a boy who doesn't love him back, especially if he's possibly straight? It's better if Nick just stayed out of the way, as usual. People think Nick is strong as he is, but they don't know he's mentally weak. Everyday, he's walking down that sidewalk, with an expression all relaxed and a sly grin upon his face. He may look like he's fine, and he's done a great job fooling the others too, but as he reaches home, he locks himself in his room, then lets out the tears he's been holding back. This boy is always on his mind, and Nick can't help but think about him, even while skateboarding through town. That could explain his numerous leg breaking accidents. If he truly loves this said boy, then he should respect who this boy really loves, even if it leaves him unhappy and lonely.

Every night, he puts all his energy into writing a full page letter, under an anonymous name. He wants that boy to know how much he means to him. He can't tell that boy up front and in person. If he is straight, then there's a good chance he might be homophobic, too. No way he could afford to live another preschool trauma. Just because they can't be together, doesn't mean Nick can't share how he feels. The boy can love whoever he wants, and whoever he chooses to be with is up to him, but Nick fears he will never get this angst off his chest unless this boy hears out his treasured secret. Every word is written by heart, and taken out of his head. Writing these letters always left his face glowing crimson red. His heart raced a beat. Cindy may have won the battle, but that boy deserves to know there is somebody else out there who loves him more than any other girl alive.

"Hi. We've interacted plenty of times before. Not sure if we're friends, and not sure if we're acquaintances either. You probably have no idea who's writing this. Well, it's best for the both of us. You may be unaware of this, but you don't know how loved you are. All those disasters that happen from your little cyber toys, I know they weren't your fault. From what I see, you were only trying to prove something. Hey, little man, it's okay. You still have a long way to go. Try being positive about yourself, because you being positive brings a smile on my face. You are creative, talented, and much more stronger than I am. Not physically strong, but strong in the real way. You make me proud. People say you are arrogant and show-offy, but that doesn't bother me. I've met guys far worse than that. I have been within those crowds of your peers, laughing at you, taunting you, but to be honest, I did that only as a cover up. Nobody would ever let me live it down if they knew how I really felt. I don't think they'd let me sympathize with you either. It can hurt me, just as it hurts you. These boundaries are the reason why we're separate. 

Listen, and listen good: I love you. There, I said it. I really needed to say something. No human being has ever made me feel this way in a long time. To me, you are worth more than anything valuable in the world, and no way I'd sell you. You play a much important part in my life than you think. I see you already have a significant other of your own. Cindy is her name, isn't it? Look, it says so on fate that we were never meant to be. I'm clearly not worthy enough for you, since I've mostly been absent in your presence. You're allowed to be with anyone you wish, and I have no intention of convincing you out of it. I'm only writing this to you because I feel I won't get any satisfaction unless you hear me out. If you were my sweetheart, I'd give you anything you want, just to make you happy. I wouldn't lay a single finger on you without your consent first. If you're ever in need for comfort, or a shoulder to cry on, I'll be there when you need me. Want me to get lost forever? I can do that! Please, you don't have to consider my love. I hope you understand."

Nick looked down on the letter. He seems to put more effort into creativity than his actual schoolwork/homework. The letter isn't quite finished yet. All he needs to do now is seal it into an envelope, ask for a hall pass during class, and slip it into the boy's locker without getting caught. It's time to set the record straight. He loves that boy, and damn right, he's gonna tell him he loves him before Vortex does. 

“GOD DAMMIT!”

Rage broke out for no reason. He took the letter and tore it to shreds. He never tears the envelope though, with said boy's name written on it. It happens every night after completing a note. Based on his opinion, none of them come out right the way he wants them to sound. He's been doing this for a year and two months already. He might as well give up. Laying his chin down on his desk, he picked up a small picture frame besides his lamp, looking eye to eye contact with it. It was a picture of the boy he loved. Why does he bother to continue looking at it when all it brings him is pain? He can't keep wasting his time and energy on a boy he knows he can never have. He can live with being gay. It's the perception of falling in love he never asked for.

...somebody to love!

[acehotel]

Spill’t: Brita Filter With Peter Dunn

Brita Filter, meteoric drag queen and performer, is known for her witty, sharp-as-knives humor, extravagant aesthetics and will one day take over the world. Today Brita sits down with NYC nightlife polymath Peter Dunn, who spills the tea on his cult webseries Gays, having a heart attack before turning 30 and practical self-care advice (food, water and sleep) in the latest edition of Spill’t. 

Brita Filter: Hello, and welcome. I'm sitting here with my friend Peter. 

Peter Dunn: Hey!

BF: So, we met when we were both judging a competition together called So You Think You Can Belt, which was at The West End on the Upper West Side.

PD: Still going 15 seasons later.

BF: How long have you been with So You Think You Can Belt?

PD: I was originally brought on as a guest judge because Natalie Weiss knew that I worked in reality TV and competition shows like X Factor, so she suggested that I guest judge. That was season seven, and then I took over the show season eight.

BF: Now I'm getting ahead of myself — let’s go back to the very beginning. Back when...

PD: ...back when I was a little black girl in the Brewster projects?

BF: Exactly, when you were thrust into the world. Where you from?

PD: I was born and raised in New York City on the Upper West Side.

BF: Oh, I didn't know that.

PD: Yeah, and I was a child actor. I started modeling when I was six months old, and started acting when I was two years old. I pretty much acted consistently until I was like 13 — film, TV, commercials, lots of theater, The Metropolitan Opera Children's Chorus. Then I was hit by a yellow cab — which I got no fucking money for — and that kind of halted my pursuit of acting. I've always been interested in directing and writing stuff since I was a little, little boy, so I started focusing more on that. 

When it came time for college, I realized I wanted something with more technique than theater or musical theater, so I double-majored in Film Production and Dramatic Writing at Emerson College in Boston. After college, I moved to Europe for two and a half years, mostly between London and Dublin, and now I'm back in New York trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing.

BF: I mean, you've done some pretty incredible things. You worked for X Factor? 

PD: Yes, so after I moved back to the US, somehow I started working (I don't really remember how) in reality TV. I did associate producer work for the US X Factor, then consultant work for American Idol and America's Got Talent.

I was doing that, and also bartending part-time — just working all the time and living out of suitcases and burning myself out completely. I realized that working on these shows was all about making someone else's dream come true —which is amazing —  had taken me completely away from writing. Eventually, I was like, "what about PD's dreams? I'm not even writing anymore." I used to write the first thing when I woke up every day. I hadn't done that in three years.

BF: Is that when the Gays web series happened? 

PD: Yes

BF: How did that become a thing?

PD: I had originally wanted to start working on a feature film script for a horror movie I’ll hopefully still write at some point. I was like, "Eh, I haven't written in years. I feel like I need to really get my gears going again." This was when Girls had just come out. I was like, "Okay, I'm going to give myself a writing exercise. I'm going to write a pilot for a gay version of Girls." I wrote the pilot in my bathtub, which is my favorite place to write, and I sent it to my best friend in the world, and she was like, "This is actually pretty good. You should keep working on this."

Over the next two months, I wrote the first season and was shopping it around a little bit, but when you're a writer with no actual credits to your name, you're not going to get much money for your project, and then they'll just do whatever they want to it. At that point, 240 pages later, I was invested in the characters, and I wanted it to be the way I wanted it to be.

BF: Yeah, of course.

PD: So we started a Kickstarter to try and raise $12,000 to shoot the pilot episode. We were going to produce the pilot episode ourselves, do everything ourselves, blah blah blah. The Kickstarter failed, and when Kickstarter fails it means you don't get any of the money. I was honestly mortified because I was like, "My ego cannot take this hit. I finally talked about this project and put it out there. I can't be the person that failed, never got to actually do what they said they were going to do." So I went the old school route. I went to a lot of LGBT fundraisers and benefits and networked; I was just talking to people with money and handing out business cards and being like, "Hey, I have this thing if you want to read it, if you have any interest in investing a little bit of money in it, give it a read." Then we did an Indiegogo also. We somehow ended up raising enough to not only shoot the first episode, but to shoot the entire first season.

So we did that, and it was one of the most incredible and exhausting experiences of my life, because we were shooting 60 to 70 hour weeks. On top of that, I'd written it, was co-directing it, producing it, starring in it, which wasn't originally my goal — and just doing a lot. We had a budget, but it still wasn't a huge budget, especially for making things up to my standard.

I dressed all the characters myself, ordered all those clothes online and returned them, and I would cook for the cast and crew half the time, just because it was cheaper. So it was just a very, very, very, very, very exhausting experience, but incredible. I don't think I'll ever owe people more in my life than the cast and crew of that show. They gave me everything in them for a year and a half, basically.

Our goal was to release it the day of the next season premiere of Girls, which was January 2014. Oh, my God. And then, of course, Looking ended up premiering that same night too, so all of our initial reviews were comparing Gays to Looking, and the amazing thing is most of the reviews said that Gays was better, which I appreciated and kind of agreed with. We released the first season through the course of a year, and after that, I was kind of burnt out; I said I was going to take a three to six-month break then get back to working on season two. That was three years ago.

We still get messages from people being like, "Is it ever coming back?" So it's cool to know that the interest is still there.

BF: Oh yeah, there’s a definite fan base.

PD: Three years later! My goal is to get back to it this summer, hopefully, along with getting my summer body.

BF: Me too, girl.

PD: That people will still care about the characters and the storylines and that it's still four, five main characters that are relevant to the community and that have important stories to tell.

BF: I think that's so important. It's been a while since I watched it, but I know that when I did see it, there was such strong representation — like, I knew these people in my life, but I've never seen it on-screen. That’s what's so lovely about it. 

PD: Yeah. I really did feel like it was stories that weren't being told for our community that were important to tell. And the really cool thing about releasing online is that anyone who has access to the internet can watch this. There's this really cool thing where you can see all your statistics, and it shows you a picture of the world and all of the countries will either be gray or blue. If they're blue, it means that your content has been clicked on and viewed and played in that country. And, literally, Gays has been watched in 140 of 144 countries.

BF: Oh, shit. 140?

PD: It's insane. And seeing that map, and seeing all of these blue places, and it's like... Malaysia, it's been viewed four times. And places like Russia and a lot of Africa, that possibly this gave this little gay teen some form of escape to tell them that who they are is okay, and that they matter. 

BF: That's incredible. Growing up in the city, when did you come out?

PD: I feel like I was basically always out. Like, ever since I was like four or five, I was always just like, "I like boys." And I think everyone in my family thought it was a phase, but I was always just like, "I like boys." I rode the bi-train for a bit, "I like everyone, that's okay, I'm me, I just love to love people." Growing up having worked in theater, I was surrounded by a lot of gay men, which was very fortunate for me...in many ways.

But I was also surrounded by positive gay role models, so even though I was still teased a lot in school, it didn't effect me as much as it can effects other people, I think, because I knew I was fine. I guess I officially, officially came out in high school, but I never really had to have the coming out...

BF: So you have kind of always been out, and your family was fine with it?

PD: For the most part, yes. I mean, I still think that they would have preferred that I was not gay. I think the males in my family had more of a problem with it than the females in my family.

BF: Naturally.

PD: And my mom was fine with it. I think my mom was just worried about my overall well-being and how I was going to be treated for being gay more than actually having a problem with me being gay, if that makes sense.

There are things that she's had to adjust to a little bit, but compared to a lot of stories from other people I know, I would say it was a piece of cake for me, honestly. I was very lucky in that way. I was always just, if someone isn't going to love me for me, then I just don't really need that person in my life. I’ve cut out certain family members for that, but it's still never really been something that I've regretted. I can find people that will love me and that can replace you easily. That's what chosen family is for, you know?

BF: Did your family see Gays?

PD: Yes, and that was...weird. 

BF: I feel like saying you’re gay is one thing, but actually doing it can be something else entirely, especially when your identity is so involved in your art.

PD: Absolutely.

BF: Being a drag queen, I felt like I had to come out to my mother again. I was like, "Oh yeah, not only do I sleep with men, but I'm going to be a woman at night too," and she was like, "Oh, my God. What is this? What are you doing?"

PD: "I don't understand what's happeningI"

BF: "You're doing what?" I mean, she gets it now, but...

PD: It took a while. I just keep finding that becoming an adult, or being an adult — it’s such a weird fucking experience. Being a kid was much easier. I told my mom all about the show and she was there through the process. She cooked sometimes for the cast and crew and stuff.

She was on the show. She played my mom on it. She was only in a couple scenes. I knew that I was going to be uncomfortable watching some of it with her because a lot of it is autobiographical. I was dreading the sex scene. 

BF: Yes, of course. Of course.

PD: Even seeing that at our premiere party was 30 of the worst seconds of my entire life. She wasn't there, but we had that episode premiere party at Therapy and it was fucking packed with some people that I've known since I was a child. And I'm getting, like, fucking pounded out on a ginormous screen in front of a room full of people that do and don't know me. So my mom came to the first two premiere parties. She saw the first four episodes, because mainly she was like, "I need to see myself."

I do know that she didn't finish watching the show by herself. There have been times where I've brought that up and she has expressed disdain for some of the content of the show, and some of the things that I was doing. So she never finished the season because of that, which kind of makes me sad, but I understand.

BF: My mom doesn't like when I'm...well, anything but pure. She doesn't like when I'm dirty. With my act, she’s like, "Do you really have to talk about pussy?"

PD: I was just about to say, "So the pussy number is not her favorite?"

BF: Exactly. But I get it. I mean, I'm glad that she watched a little bit of it, to understand.

PD: I will say I wish she had finished it, only because the stuff I'm most proud of is the second half of the season, because that's when i feel like the show got to the really serious stuff.

BF: The meat of the season. I noticed that when you were talking about creating Gays, that it was not only the most incredible, but the most taxing experience of your entire life. I mean, personally, I have been doing so much. I've basically been slaying the game, artistically.

PD: Seriously.

BF: In the drag scene, trying to one-up myself, to keep doing bigger and bigger projects. But while my art was thriving, I kind of forgot about myself, taking care of me...and I'm still trying to figure it out.

PD: I feel like I'm always reminding you, "Remember, don't forget about Brita Filter."

BF: Right? Are there certain things you do to combat that? I think the thing that we have in common is that we push and push ourselves, and when I do that I’m all of sudden completely depleted.

PD: It's putting out so much energy and commitment, and thinking that you have 250% to put out there for eternity. None of us are invincible, you know what I mean?

BF: Yeah.

PD: I've learned to try to be my own therapist sometimes — to really analyze some of the habits and patterns I repeat. I realize I have this cycle no matter what I'm putting my energy into — X Factor, Gays, producing shows and stuff in the city — I just honestly go past what my actual limit is, and my body has to remind me. I mean, I literally had a heart attack before I was 30.

BF: I remember when that happened. That was scary.

PD: That was a little right after I met you, actually. Three years in June. June 23 was when that happened, 2015. That came from just me overexerting myself and not making myself a priority at all. Forgetting to do the basic things you need to survive, like eat food and drink water and sleep. Those basic things that humans need to survive. I was just like, "Who needs water? Why would I eat? I'm not hungry right now. I don't have time for that."

That was one of the biggest wake up calls that I've ever had, clearly. It's like, "oh, let's just almost die," you know? So now I try and force myself to just stop sometimes. If I feel like I need a break, then that means I need a break. My peak so far was producing four to eight shows a month. Each show was already taking all of me, and I was doubling them and tripling them and quadrupling them up, to the point where I didn't do anything except produce shows and answer emails. My brain was constantly in overdrive and there was no actual relaxation. My brain was always over-processing 20 million fucking things.

So that, it was like: “Okay. We know where this can lead from the past, so let's take a step away from this, give yourself a little bit of time for a couple months, and then you'll know when you're ready to step back into that creative seat.” And I think, especially as artists, we kind of feel like we always have to be doing something.

We're like, "How am I going to get to whatever point I want to get to unless I'm always working on something?" But taking time for yourself and resting your creative mind can be just as important.

BF: So important. You have to live life in order for things to come. So I'm proud of you. You're doing a great job. 

PD: Aww.

BF: Lately, I've been taking a walk by the river, even if it's for just 20 minutes.

PD: It's crazy what that does to your mind. 

BF: Just stepping away from the fucking concrete and all these damn buildings and people.

PD: And all these damn people. Especially working in nightlife, in combination with being an artist, you're just constantly having to be on.

BF: 100%. Now you have so many other things going on. What are you mainly focusing on right now? 

PD: I'm back to producing a good amount of shows at The West End and also at The Cutting Room.

BF: That's a great venue. The Cutting Room.

PD: Oh, my God. It's fucking gorgeous. Yeah, my most recent show there, I was working with two amazing singer-songwriters, Selda Sahin and Derek Gregor, and we got over 200 people there. It was a pretty incredible show. 

I'm also very grateful for The West End for bringing me the perfect opportunity to use the kind of stuff that I was doing on X Factor in a hands-on, intimate way — to help artists thrive, and give them a safe space to create and feel genuinely supported. So many times in this city, you don't have real support. You don't have people who are coming out to your shows and who are telling you "I believe in you and I want to help you in any way that I can."

Also, I'm planning on starting work on Gays Season 2 soon, and thinking about exploring the music A&R world, and also working on my own music again. I had stopped songwriting when I was a teenager probably, but since getting more involved in live music, I was like, "I know I can write. Why not?” I was dealing with a experience with a boy and I realized literally the only possible way for me to get closure from this situation is music.

So I wrote my first song in 15 years and sent it to a friend, the amazing Morgan Riley, who helped me put music under it. I'm writing music more and maybe if I get the balls to do it, I’ll start putting that out into the world too. 

BF: Planting seeds. I feel like, as an artist, once you stop learning, it's time to give up.

PD: And once you think you know everything, it's definitely time to give up.

BF: The reason why I love being a drag queen is because I love our community so much. I love the LGBTQ community, I love giving people a safe space where they can come and they can forget about everything. What would you like to see the city’s LGBTQ community, or nightlife in general, move toward?

PD: I am still such a huge fan of the community, and of nightlife, and of the LGBTQ community, but I do wish that new connections were made more genuinely out and about. That was always my favorite thing about going out when I was younger, just meeting people and never knowing where the night was going. I was one of those people that would be going to 10 different places, picking up strays along the way, being like, "You're a good time, come with me and my friends." 

There was a genuine kind of spirit in the air. We're going out and we're going to make new connections and we're going to be a big old happy family — I miss that a little bit. If you go out, just meet one new person. You know? If you see somebody who's out by themselves, don't be a creep, but just smile and say "hi" to them. I always think it's really important to acknowledge people. I feel like people walk around a lot feeling like they're invisible in many ways, and a really simple "hello" or a smile can make a difference in someone's entire day.

BF: That's right. Smile at a stranger. I'm actually really glad that you said that because I'm really trying to take my drag to the next level — to be a New York City —

PD: Icon, bitch.

BF: Icon. 

PD: Legendary.

BF: You know, well, she's moving on up. The reason why I started is because I wanted to create those safe spaces for people, and to make people just laugh and get away. To create moments. You can never recreate that.

PD: Some of my best memories with some of my best friends — some who aren't even with us anymore — had so much to do with the genuine fun of feeling like you didn't want to be anywhere else but where you were, with the people you were with. I kind of feel like that joy is just not as available as much as it was before.

BF: Yeah, I agree. Well, bitch, Imma change that shit.

PD: Change it, girl. 

[star-trashinum]

YoRiko Birthday Present

A wonderful birthday present for the wonderful @the-canine-king​ ; happy birthday dear!

Ship - You Watanabe/Riko Sakurauchi

Notes - This is the wonderful Transboy!Riko AU, one of my all time favourites ^^ (I also write You’s name as Yo in the fic, as it’s become habit to easily distinguish it for myself. Sorry if it’s a bit weird, and big sorry’s if its rushed, I wanted to get it out and I’m too sick to edit, ehe.)

“YOOOO, ARE YOU READY YET!?!?!?” Riko screams as he finishes tying his shoes in front of the door, getting up to walk out the door, “if you don’t get that nice butt of yours out here in five minutes, I’m leaving without you!” The loherud screaming is coupled with what seems to be a small earthquake going off in their bedroom, with a slightly frazzled Yo swinging open the door.

“Sorry sorry, couldn’t find the hoodie I wanted; it was in your side of the closet, ehe,” Yo admits, zipping the navy hoodie up over a black v-neck, with matching soccer pants, “now, where did you say you wanted to go again?” Riko opened up the door, waiting patiently for his girlfriend to slip on her shoes, locking the door behind them.

“There’s this burger place that opened up a few weeks ago; and we haven’t gone for anything that isn’t fancy in forever,” Riko explains as they make their way down a few flights of stairs, “plus… I just want to have a burger and fries; there’s good chicken burgers on their menu too, babe.” Riko hands Yo his phone, already opened to the menu, holding her free hand to make sure she doesn’t faceplant into a tree.

The weather outside is the best type of cold; a light, refreshing crisp; perfect to awaken your sense, but not enough that you’d be suffering in the cold. Riko rubs his thumb along the back of Yo’s hand, happy to be out taking a stroll with his girlfriend; their free time often didn’t line up too well, so rare weekends where they were free to do as they please were special treats. Coming up towards the plaza with the burger place, appropriately named “Meat in Buns” (Which got a big chuckle from Yo), they made their way inside, happy to see that the line for seating was non-existent. Catching the attention of one of the waiters, the two are lead to a small but very comfortable booth, with cushioned chairs and a nice wooden table. The restaurant is the tiniest bit dim, but the more home-y and casual atmosphere is perfect for a burger joint. They take a few moments to look down at the laminated menus, looking over their order to make sure everything was there, and that they knew what they were ordering. Riko’s eyes look up to see Yo’s fingers moving the top of his menu down, eyes quizzical, like they were about to ask for a favour.

“Hey Riko… d’ya wanna split a milkshake? I want one, but I don’t want to drink it all by myself.”

“O-oh… sure; is strawberry fine?”

“Ehe, I knew you’d say that; of course it's fine babe.”

 Yo excitedly waves down a waitress, satisfied with how their question went, already looking forward to having the milkshake. Watching as the girl pulls out a notepad and pen, she gives a simple ‘What will you be having?’, with a surprisingly genuine smile.

“I’ll have a chicken club, with fries and a strawberry milkshake,” Yo tells the waitress, as she turns to Riko to see what he’s having.

“And I’ll have a bacon cheeseburger with fries and a glass of water, please,” Riko responds, making sure the waitress got his entire order. Finishing the last few scribbles, the waitress give a reassuring nod, heading to where the kitchen was located. Yo absentmindedly drums her hands on the table, daydreaming about the potentially cute things that could happen with sharing a milkshake; indirect kisses, sharing sips of it with kisses… Yo was extra gay for some reason today. Riko, on the other hand, scrolls through social media, retweeting at least twenty pictures of assorted dogs and cats before the order is even finished. Putting their phone down on the table, Riko gets up out of his seat, smiling shyly, “I-I’m going to use the washroom.” “Stay safe babe,” Yo jokes, sending her boyfriend off with a stupid joke that they always ended up using whenever one of them went to the washroom. Yo slumped back into the chair, too awkward to pull her phone out to check anything, but also too lonely to start a conversation. The all-consuming silence was thankfully broken as the waitress stepps out with 2 large trays; gracefully balancing them without a care in the world. Giving another warm smile, the waitress sets down the chicken burger in front of Yo, for the lovely lady, and places the burger where Riko was supposed to be, and for the handsome gentleman; Have a wonderful meal, you two! Yo gives the girl a thankful wave, she would be sure to give a decent tip for good service, which was probably why she was being so nice in the first place. Oh well, a job is a job. Waiting for Riko to come back from the washroom, Yo takes the glass containing her strawberry milkshake, decorated with plenty of whipped cream, and takes a sip; glad about their split decision. The milkshake is creamy and tastes like actual strawberries were used making this, rather than some syrup-y, chemical flavour. Stopping suddenly, Yo places the milkshake back onto the table, and instead pulls out her phone, lining up the perfect shot to show off to social media. Scrolling through filters, finding the right lighting, Yo takes what feels like five minutes as she takes what seems to be a dozen photos, before feeling something hot press against her cheek.

“-mmmwah- Too focused on your pictures to notice me, hmm,” Riko teases, watching Yo sit back down in her chair, pouting in embarrassment. Riko gives a reassuring second kiss to his girlfriend, watches as she hides her face, giggling at how smooth her boyfriend was sometimes. Riko sits back down in his own chair, noticing that Yo hasn’t touched their food in the slightest while he was away, “and you waited for me? You’re so cute baby; well, let’s eat!”

 Yo stops pouting at the mention of finally getting to eat, and finally gets to enjoy her meal as she dips her fries in ketchup, getting to taste the nostalgic feeling of sweet ketuchup with the warm crunch of the fries. Fries weren’t something that the couple usually made at home; most attempts at deep frying anything end up with one of the two crying, popping oil attacking them from all sides of the stove, so Yo savoured the rare times that she would get to eat them. After finishing about half of her fries, Yo goes to take a sip of her milkshake again, relishing in the sweet flavours as she lays eyes on one of the cutest things she’s ever seen. Riko, all too excited to have the burger he was craving, had his face covered in little bits of ketchup, with more covering his fingers; he looked like the happiest (and messiest) boy in the world right now. Taking a big bite out of his burger, Riko smiled as he chewed, eyes lit up in glee, which quickly turned into confusion as he noticed that Yo was stifling her laughter.

Finishing up what he had in his mouth, Riko takes a second from enjoying his meal to see what the laughing was all about.

 “W-What’s up babe? Is something wrong; d-do I have something on my face?”

“More like, what do you not have on your face right now, Riko.”

 Riko, oblivious to Yo’s comments, looks down at his hands, not expecting ketchup to be literally coating every one of his fingers. Meekly wiping it off, Riko looks at his face through his phone screen, giving an embarrassed chuckle at just how much burger missed his face. Riko moves his face away from Yo, not wanting his girlfriend, who currently does not have a quarter of a burger on her face, to see him wipe it off. Returning to the meal at hand, Riko starts to have some fries for his own, leaving the messy, sauce-filled disaster formerly known as a burger for later. Riko, noticing that he hasn’t even tried the strawberry milkshake, takes a fry from his plate and dips it in, eating the strange combination.

“Hmm… that’s actually pretty good,” Riko announces, taking another fry to dip, before noticing that another hand is currently doing the same. Riko watches as Yo scoops out a large dollop of whipped cream, giving a satisfied hum as she tries Riko’s concoction for herself.

 “Y’know, I think you’ve got something going here, babe,” Yo agrees, realizing just how good it tasted; a perfect mixture of sweet and salty. The lunch goes quite silent after that, the attention focusing back to the main parts of the meal. Yo gives herself a mental high-five for her choice in burger; the chicken was seasoned, the bacon was crispy, and bun toasted well. The happy couple’s usual banter is replaced with eager bites and satisfied chewing, too enamoured by the delicious food to even speak a word. Taking out their burgers in an orderly fashion (well, not so orderly in Riko’s case), the couple makes work of their fries, taking turns dipping them into the milkshake, until the glass is too tall to reach their hand in without being awkward. Riko is the first to take a sip with the straw after that, making sure to make a display of pursing his lips as he drinks. Placing the glass back down, Yo sees an opportunity, taking the glass for her own as she kisses the glass in a fashion similar to Riko.

“Oh my gosh Yo, that’s gaaaaaaaay~” Riko jests as his girlfriend enjoys the milkshake, poking fun at how eager she was to share an indirect kiss with him. While kisses weren’t a rarity between the two, Yo especially was always eager to give her boyfriend affection in any way possible; kisses, hugs, or holding hands.

“R-Riko… we made out as soon as we woke up this morning,” Yo bluntly announces, poking fun at how forceful Riko got sometimes when he was leading, “that means you’re pretty gay.” Riko flushes in embarrassment, trying their best to hide their face as Yo gives a gloating smirk, knowing that she’s won the argument for the meantime. Trying to diffuse the situation in case Riko pouts for too long, Yo catches Riko’s attention with her hand, gesturing to her sandwich. “D’ya wanna try a bite of my sandwich babe? I know you came here for the beef, but the chicken club is really good,” Yo requests, holding out her sandwich. Riko copies his girlfriend’s motions, holding out his burger, gesturing similarly, “Only if you try mine as well.”

“-chew- This is really good Yo; the bacon is really crispy! How’s the burger?” “It’s good; there’s a lot of cheese and bacon in it… but I don’t know how your hands got so messy from this babe…”

“S-Shush…”

 Riko and Yo both hand eachother back their sandwiches, finishing off what was left. Seeing the waitress coming over with a cheque, both of them pull out their wallets, ready to pay. Riko pushes his hand onto Yo’s, moving her wallet back to her pocket, “I’m the one that brought you here, it’s only fair that I’m the one that pays.” Not wanting to start a needless argument, Yo puts her wallet back, watching as Riko pays, giving a smile to the waitress as she takes their dishes away. Yo gets up, extending her arm out to hold hands with her boyfriend, who was currently putting his wallet away.

 “Now, let’s get home, shall we?”

             Yo walked into her bedroom, already met with a shirtless Riko laying in bed, nestled under the covers reading something on his phone. Yo quickly undresses, putting on one of Riko’s bigger hoodies as she crawls into the bed from the bottom, sneaking underneath Riko’s arm. “Hello there handsome,” Yo says, nuzzling her back to Riko’s chest, “I hope you don’t mind if I join you for a nice nap.”            Riko, enjoying just how affectionate Yo got when it came to cuddles, wraps his arms around his adorable girlfriend, pulling her tighter into his embrace. “I wouldn’t mind one bit darling,” Riko says, as he kisses the back of her head, feeling the slight shaking as Yo giggles, “you’re adorable, Yo.” The couple stays silent as Yo hums quietly in content, too relaxed to even say a word. Riko peppers Yo’s hair with kisses, but after a few minutes, she wills herself to turn around, face to face with Riko, who has a surprised look on his face.

             “I thought my little otter was asleep already,” Riko jokes as he kisses Yo gently, her warm lips feeling much better than her skin, “did you want kisses that bad, dear?” The room becomes quieter yet again, as Yo takes the lead, cupping Riko’s face in her hands as she kisses him, which was to her, sweeter than the strawberry milkshake. Riko hums in response as he feels Yo’s warm lips press against him, wanting her closer as he wraps his arms around her lower back. The two take turns leading, taking small breaths as they give eachother a small break before continuing with their kisses. After a few more smooch-filled minutes, Yo’s face flushes out of nowhere, and she buries into Riko’s chest, wetness touching his skin. Riko feels the girl shake, letting out a tiny sob. Confused, Riko wraps his arms around her, scared that something was wrong, “is everything OK Yo? Did something happen?”

             Yo cries for a few moments as she wraps her arms around Riko, pressing herself closer. “N-No no… everything is good love… it’s just, it’s crazy how… I have you here, and you love me… and you just mean so much to me… it’s almost surreal sometimes,” Yo explains, tears still running down her face as she looks up at her boyfriend, “that I have you here, a-and—”

             “I’m happy you’re here too Yo; I love you more than anything,” Riko warmly responds, kissing his girlfriend’s forhead in hopes that her crying dies down, “and there’s nothing that makes me happier than knowing you love me too.”

[exxar1]

Episode 3: “The Unexamined Life” Part 2

10/25/2020

This blog entry was supposed to be a direct continuation of the last one. I was going to continue the therapy session but, instead of Patrick Stewart and Chris Evans, it would be God sitting in the armchair across from the couch. He would be played by Morgan Freeman, of course, but not because he did actually play the role of God in “Bruce Almighty”. I’ve always thought of Morgan Freeman as that wise, curmudgeonly old grandfather who’s always nearby when you need a peppermint or some necessary advice. He seems genuinely loving, patient and kind, but he won’t put up with any of your bullshit either. He’ll gladly listen to all your complaining and ranting, nodding every once in awhile and giving an affirmative “uh-huh”, then tell you exactly what he thinks, whether you like it or not, and then send you on your way with a fresh cup of coffee and a maple bar.

But, after some consideration, I decided to nix the whole therapy scene, and just get to the point. There is such a thing in the writer’s room as running a metaphor – or an idea – into the ground, and this seemed like a perfect example of that. In the last couple weeks since I wrote Part 1, I’ve been thinking about what I wrote, and I realized I needed to start this episode by clarifying a couple things.

1. My relationship with my parents and my brothers is very good. In fact, we as a family are very close, and that’s something I have treasured for many years. Yes, we have our issues and our share of dysfunction, just like any other family. But I also feel that our family is a bit different from most other adult families in that we all genuinely love one another and we sincerely look forward to those times when we are all together in person. I have never understood why so many of my friends, colleagues, coworkers and/or acquaintances over the years have dreaded the holidays. They have complained to me on various occasions that they really aren’t looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas because they have to spend time with their parents or siblings whom they don’t get along with.

I have never experienced this. Thanksgiving and Christmas are my favorite times of the year. I look forward to going home to spend time with my parents, my brothers, their wives, and all my nieces and nephews. We have a wonderful time, and yes, there have been one or two years where some of us had some arguments and/or minor disagreements over this or that. But we never allowed those conflicts to interfere with our time together, and we always came back from those times stronger as a family and celebrating our love for God and for one another.

My parents, in particular, have always set an example for us boys of what God’s love should be towards not only one another but the world as well. They taught us what it meant to be a good citizen in the world, and how to properly love and respect those that we meet in our travels through this life. They taught us right from wrong, and I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having grown up in a loving, Christian home. Yes, my childhood was filled with a lot of conflict – mainly between me and my brothers. I also fought with my parents as a teenager over the typical adolescent stuff – music, TV, church, rules, curfews, etc. etc. All of this is normal for any family and also a standard part of growing up. What made it unique for me was struggling with my homosexuality as a teenager and not being able to talk about that with anyone in my family, my friends or my church. In retrospect, I think that if I’d had someone I could have gone to and opened up with about my struggle, I wouldn’t have had such a difficult adolescence.

The main reason I feel a need to clarify this right now is because I don’t want you, the reader, to think that I still resent my parents – or my father in particular – for what was said or done regarding this issue when I was a kid. That line from my father about homosexuals was used to illustrate a point, but I don’t think he feels that strongly about it today. I will admit that he and I have never directly discussed this, but I know that both my parents have always loved and accepted me, no matter what. They still do. In fact, the two of them could teach a thing or two to many other parents of gays and lesbians of my generation about what it means to truly accept your child even though you believe that their sexual preference and/or lifestyle choice is not in line with God’s will.

The same goes for my brothers. I love them more than life itself, and I would gladly give my own life for theirs without a second thought, if necessary. One of my very few, genuine regrets in my life thus far is how terribly and cruelly I treated my brothers when I was a teenager. I should have been a friend and a mentor to them, especially Chad and Caleb, but I wasn’t. I constantly told them how I wished I had been an only child, and I was always mocking and making fun of all three of them every chance I got. My teen years, especially, were rather harsh for all four of us, as I lashed out at my brothers with all my own hurt and pain at not fitting in at school and not being able to share with anyone my struggle over my own sexuality.

But, thank God, in the years following high school, as all of us became adults and made our own ways in the world, the loving home that our parents had created for us seeped into our hearts and our souls, taking root there in ways none of us ever realized. The four of us eventually reconnected as adults, little bits here and there over time, until we came back together as close as any brothers could ever be. I can’t even tell you exactly how or where this transformation took place. It was just many little things over time – text messages, emails, phone calls, spending time together during the holidays, etc. There was also other major life events such as weddings, having kids, getting divorced and remarried, graduating college, and just life in general. All of these things have a way of reminding one how important a family is and, especially, not to take it for granted. I have met many different people in my time in this world – my short time in the Army, from college, and from my many different jobs – and it never ceases to amaze or humble me when I have learned that many of those people did not have it as good as I did when I was a kid. Many of them hate their parents and haven’t spoken to them in years. Same for their siblings. Some have been through divorce and never see their own kids, while others grew up as the only child and they’ve told me how lonely that is.

So, to sum up this point, I treasure my family as the greatest gift God has given me, and I don’t want them – or you – to come away from this blog thinking otherwise. :-)

2. In that same vein, I also became close friends with most of those classmates who did tease and make fun of me when were in elementary school. And while they weren’t so cruel and mean in junior high and high school, I didn’t make it easy for them to like me when I was a teenager. I did cause a lot of my own troubles because of my social awkwardness and my painful attempts to fit in with the “cool kids”. As I stated in the last episode, I did eventually realize that I needed to stop trying so hard and just do my own thing. Once that happened, somewhere in my sophomore year, if I recall correctly, everything else kind of just fell into place, and those other nine people in my graduating class are still friends with me today. (We just had our 20 year reunion, in fact, three years ago.)

And now, to the main point of this week’s episode: I’ve been thinking about why I’ve been feeling so lonely now, at this point in my adult life, and how that relates to what I experienced in my adolescence. One of the realizations I came to three weeks ago was that because of all the teasing, the bullying, and the social anxiety that I experienced as a young kid and, later, as an adolescent, I built a wall about myself to protect me from the pain and anger at not fitting in. And again, that conclusion seems rather obvious now, but it hadn’t been obvious to me all these years. Or maybe I had been aware of it on a subconscious level all this time, but only now did I decide to finally address it directly.

Whatever the case, that realization also led to another one: I have had no interest in a romantic relationship with anyone because it means I would have to let someone inside the wall. There’s probably other reasons for why I’ve never been interested in getting a boyfriend, but that’s probably the main one. And when I was young, I was fine with this. As I said before, that decision in high school to stop trying so hard to fit in and just do my own thing has served me quite well all these years. And I believe that I have been truly happy being on my own. I have never felt like I needed another person to complete me. I have always felt whole and complete in and of myself.

But here’s the funny thing about getting older, and this is a realization that I came to just in the last few days. For the last couple months or so, I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out why not being in a relationship is suddenly bothering me so much. And then, in the last couple days, it finally hit me: I am not the same man now that I was when I made that decision 20 years ago.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: well, duh. 20 years has passed. Of course you’re not the same person you were back then.

Yes, I hear you, but now let me explain. One feature of aging that no one has ever told me about is that you start questioning and re-thinking a lot of desires, passions, beliefs and/or commitments that you had, until now, pretty much taken for granted. My desire to live life as a professionally single person is a perfect example of this. When I was in college, I had more fun just playing the field and not making a commitment to any one person. That’s typical for every young person, no matter your sexual preference. But, at some point in our mid to late twenties, most of us end up meeting that one guy or girl who causes us to rethink our position on the whole “professionally single” issue. We fall madly in love, in other words, and we then realize we don’t want to spend the rest of our lives alone.

That never happened for me. I have never, in my whole life, even up to the present, ever met that one guy who has completely turned my world upside down. The subject of almost every rock anthem and pop diva love song has never happened to me. I have no clue what falling in love actually feels like. I have heard it discussed and described many times by friends and family. I have sung along to many great  love songs and anthems by every major recording artist since Elvis Presley. I have read and discussed the love poetry and sonnets of the many greats in classical western literature in many of my English courses throughout my academic career. I have watched several of the greats of the romantic comedy category at Blockbuster over the years, and while most of them are terrible, there are a few that I still have in my own DVD library that I have occasionally pulled out to reminisce with.

But I have never, ever in my whole life ever been “twitterpated” as goes the classic line from Bambi. And that’s never been a problem for me. I never cared. In fact, I considered it a strength. I have never had to waste money on flowers, candy, jewelry, romantic weekend getaways, or any of the other crap that boyfriends and girlfriends spend on each other just for the chance at maybe getting laid. If I ever got horny enough, all I’ve needed to do is text one of the few regulars in my phone book. Sex without any of the trappings of a relationship has always been the best kind of sex in my book. Nor have I had to deal with any of the drama that comes with a relationship. All that fighting, then compromising, then forgiveness, and then repeating that process over and over has never been my cup of tea. In fact, I’ve never understood why a relationship was worth all that trouble in the first place.

But, once again, we’re back at the present, and I’m now 42 years old. And, for some reason, I’m looking around at all the people in my life – and on social media – that are happily married and/or in a relationship, and, all of sudden, that just drives me fucking crazy. And maybe, on a subconscious level, this is why I created a profile on Tinder back in June. As you’ll recall from episode 2, “Alfred” (not his real name) and I hit it off pretty well, and we had a pretty good first date, to boot. And things seemed to go pretty well up until a month ago when he suddenly ghosted me. Or, maybe, I ghosted him first. In any case, it appears to have been mutual, and now I’m even more annoyed than before at being single.

Which brings me to that big revelation I alluded to earlier about aging. I just recently realized how much we change throughout our adult lives as we get older. Those passions and desires and things that interest us and consume our time when we’re in our twenties are not necessarily the same passions, desires, and things that we care about in our forties, or our fifties, or our sixties. We as people are not just flesh and blood. We are conscious, thinking, emotional, intellectual human beings, and the parts of us that make us who we are are those passions, desires, interests, and things that we care about. It’s what makes you you.

Some of those qualities can be defined as hobbies or interests, the things that we do in our spare time or what we’re passionate about in life. The fact that I have always been a science fiction fan, for example, or my writing. Other qualities can be emotional, or intellectual, or parts of us that aren’t necessarily physical. The fact that I’m gay, for example; or that I love to read, or that I’m an introvert, or that I once used to be an Atheist.

In other words, those things that make up who we are as an individual human being, that define us to the world and to other people around us, are not always constant or unchanging. And that’s what I had never realized until now. I have always been happy living my life on my own, by my own terms, and I found peace in being alone. I have never felt the need to have that “special someone” in my life, but now, for reasons I cannot explain, I’m no longer content with that. I think this is why so many people at this point in their mid-lives have a crisis. They buy a new car or get divorced or change careers. Perhaps my loneliness is nothing more than a mid-life crisis?

Maybe. I think that’s oversimplifying it a bit, but it does make a kind of sense. I’ve been questioning everything else in my life – and the world around me – at this point, why not this?

And maybe this does have something to do with my recent religious conversion. Does God no longer want me to be single? Does he have someone in mind to be my companion? I don’t know. I’m still exploring my new relationship with God, so I can’t really say for sure at this point.

What I will say for sure is this: I am NOT going to find that special someone online. I am done with all the dating apps and websites. They’re a waste of time. For now, I have made some peace with being single. It doesn’t bother me as much as it did a few weeks ago. So I’m not in a hurry to meet that “special guy”. If it does happen, though, we’ll end up meeting in real life, face to face. Which means that my only opportunity for this is at work, because I have no social life.

That’s it for now, folks. Once again, I wrote far more than I planned, but this feels good. And if you’ve read all of this, and if it’s helped you in some way, then I’m glad.

Until next time…

[shirleyoconnell]

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[bardqueenofgallifrey]

I didn't have a tumblr account in 2013, so I have no idea how the fuck a 53-year-old Sci fi show became part of something as cringe as "superwholock". I mean, I watch Sherlock but damn this match makes no sense. Could you explain to me how it happened please???

Honestly? I don’t know exactly.

I was never really a part of SuperWhoLock, and I don’t think I was on here for the origins either, but whenever it was that I did get on here, I was just a passionate Whovian who also watched and liked Sherlock (these days I’m pretty indifferent about Sherlock one way or another, and give as few shits about Supernatural as I ever did).  

BUT, I’m gonna see if I can try and work out/theorise how SuperWhoLock rose and fell, if only to try and make the point that Doctor Who never deserved to be lumped in with it. Feel free to challenge any points I make, because I’m guessing here. 

although, frankly, this idea of cringe culture is kinda snobby and gross. let people like shit, damn, if they’re not hurting anyone or trying to say Supernatural is the best show ever, who gives a fuck, honestly

Firstly, the thing about Doctor Who is that it has been around for literal multiple decades. Almost fifty four years. It has been around since before some of our parents were born. 

Doctor Who fans were around long before the internet was invented. They were here before, and will be here long after everyone has forgotten what the hell Supernatural ever was. Doctor Who fans are now the ones making Doctor Who. They were the ones who, when it got cancelled, created an entire thriving Audio Drama business through the love of it that still existed everywhere, and they are the ones who brought it back and now create it. They’ve never let it die. 

You know why? Why Doctor Who’s endured, and is so passionately loved by so many, and before all this mess wasn’t any more cringy than being into Star Trek? Because it’s good. 

It is a flawed show, of course (always, somehow, in some way, in ways that vary across different eras), but one that is good in a reckless, nonsensical, optimistic way. No matter the ups and downs of its objective quality, it’s never really lost its heart. 

It is a show with a protagonist that uses words/intelligence/compassion over violence to fight, a show that focuses on telling hopeful adventures that can be watched by children and also inform them of some of the harsher aspects of the world in an interesting way.

Also, it’s always been quite progressive. It had the first female drama producer at the BBC, and a gay Indian director. No one wanted it to succeed and it’s a miracle the show ever got off the ground. 

People like to talk about the “screaming Classic companions” but you know what? Fuck that. The Classic ladies were all wonderful, including the biggest screamers. Susan? The Doctor’s granddaughter, genius, with telepathic abilities and a whole lot of heart. Mel? Computer programmer aka fucking smarty pants, who once flipped the Doctor over her shoulder, and was such a genuinely nice person that it was genuinely impressive. Zoe? Adorable 60′s companion who canonically had a higher IQ than the Doctor. 

Doctor Who ladies have been awesome since the beginning, and calling out misogyny from the beginning. 

(It ALSO had errors of its time, especially an Orientalism issue that is pervasive through a lot of older sci-fi, that can’t and shouldn’t be forgotten either. But that’s for the most part irrelevant to this discussion other than the general whiteness which is still obviously a problem albeit one the show is slowly working on.)

The reboot then brought in (some, not enough) queer characters and main characters of colour, etc, and its general diversity has only been getting better and better on that front for the most part, especially in the last couple of years. 

But anyway, how the hell did it get mixed up with the whole SuperWhoLock mess? 

Well, the reboot brought in a whole new generation of fans, and only got bigger and bigger and bigger, and was peaking RIGHT about when Sherlock aired. 

The Doctor Who and Sherlock crossover is easy enough to work out; they had the same headwriter(s), and they’re both about neurodivergent (coded??) genius white guys that theoretically have a kind of unconventional attractiveness to them. You can see how they drew in the same crowd. 

Now, how the hell Supernatural became a part of that, I’ve no idea. I’ve never been a Supernatural fan (even if I did watch the first four and a half seasons once, more or less enjoy them, but also not find them massively interesting). 

But I’m going to assume it’s because it again involved white guys with Big Emotions, that the fans could thirst over, who were undertaking some larger than life shit. 

My theory is that it, at least partly, was the White Male Slash Fandom. 

You know. That group of mostly straight girls who treat shipping conventionally attractive white men like a fetish and a kink to explore, who will ship basically any two CAWM under the sun if they so much as look at each other. I imagine the Johnlock crowd overlapped with the Destiel and Wincest crowd, and Doctor Who, since it had Ten/Simm!Master (and Eleven/Rory to a lesser extent) as well as some nice hetero ships, kind of got dragged along because almost everyone in the Sherlock fandom was probably in the Doctor Who fandom too. 

You can kind of see how it fits. The Supernatural gang and the Team TARDIS are big damn heroes with a lot of heart, while Sherlock fulfilled the ideal levels of pretentiousness that we all go through in our teenage years. 

Of course, then everyone realised that Supernatural kinda sucks because it’s an incredibly white, incredibly male, incredibly STRAIGHT show that just queerbaits its audience and doesn’t know when to call it quits, and so everyone started jumping ship. 

Then everyone looked at Sherlock, either went “this has its issues but it’s still fun”, “this is QUEERBAITING TOO, WHY WONT JOHNLOCK KISS, FUCK MOFFISS”, or “this is also incredibly white, incredibly male, and incredibly straight, so fuck this also”, and that was it for Sherlock and general opinion too. 

(For the record: Johnlock was not queerbait. Johnlock was an expression of Steven Moffat’s own very intimate, but platonic, friendship with Mark Gatiss, and they explicitly told everyone they were not gonna make it gay. And then the toxic ass fandom, deluded out their minds, started sending Gatiss - an actual gay man - abuse about being “an honorary straight” for not making their fetishised fictional relationship canon, at one point literally the day after the Pulse massacre. Seriously. What the fuck. Never speak about it being queerbaiting ever again and leave Mark Gatiss the fuck alone.) 

Now. Doctor Who had meanwhile been dealing with the changeover of the showrunner. 

Series 5 went down pretty well for the most part, but a lot of people had their issues with Series 6 and Series 7. The fandom had kind of gotten too big, for a show this unconventional. To the point of a lot of people not being able to deal with the distinct change from the style of Russell T Davies, because they weren’t really aware of how the show needs to reinvent itself constantly even on a stylistic level. Because they were treating the show like any other show, when one can’t really do that. 

It was all kind of a mess of:

very mixed fan reception on Series 6

Series 7 being on the weaker side (not as weak as some people who missed the whole point of Clara’s storyline make it out to be, but weak nonetheless, though Moffat has admitted to this and explained it was because he was under so much pressure about the looming 50th anniversary, and like, fuck, fair enough)

people being pissed at Moffat for Sherlock shit

Russell T Davies having done quite a few things in his era that are questionable from a wider Doctor Who standpoint, which Moffat as the Ultimate Who Fan didn’t go along with, only to then receive hate from people who were convinced that if RTD did something it must be right, because they haven’t seen Classic Who or apparently bothered to do a couple of google searches to educate themselves

plus, a few of Moffat’s quotes around 2012ish got taken out of context because he’s a sarcastic little shit who runs his mouth

and so people got the idea that Moffat’s a narcissistic misogynist who “loves white men”

also people confused “plot hole” with “is going to be explained later” and complained about him having plot holes in series 5-7 when really it’s just that he was waiting to tie up all the loose ends in Matt Smith’s finale episode

Anyway, thus began the popular - to this day! - sentiment of thinking that Moffat is one of the worst things to happen to television, or at least Doctor Who (and Sherlock Holmes). 

And so, that was the “downfall” of Doctor Who and SuperWhoLock, so to speak, as all three shows were written off by the wider Tumblr/nerd community as being incredibly cringy. 

Now, to examine it from today’s view, in light of recent series/opinion about the series/the female Doctor reveal. 

The problem is, the general attitude about Moffat - who don’t get me wrong, is far from a flawless writer, or person - has literally reached the point of mass delusion. It’s very clear that literally thousands of people have a completely fictionalised version of him in their heads. 

How do I know this? I saw someone say that a female Doctor was a “defiance of everything the Moffat era stood for”. 

As in, the same Moffat era that, in the last three seasons:

explicitly made the genderfluidity of Time Lords canon (Dark Water/Death In Heaven, World Enough And Time)

changed the Master into a woman (Dark Water)

had the now female Master refer to becoming a woman as an “upgrade” (The Witch’s Familiar)

had a companion’s whole storyline be about “becoming the Doctor” in her own right, with her getting a whole episode of her pretending to be the Doctor, and her flying off in her own TARDIS with a companion of her own in the end of her final episode! (Flatline, Hell Bent)

had ANOTHER companion’s storyline end with her immortal space girlfriend at the console of the TARDIS, offering for her to travel through all of time and space with her in a direct parallel to the Nine/Rose offer from the first episode to the reboot (The Doctor Falls, Rose)

had a Time Lord regenerate from a white guy to a black lady onscreen just to FINALLY shut up people who said race/gender changes couldn’t happen (Hell Bent)

had the Doctor positively reacting to the suggestion that he could be  - or had been - a woman, multiple times (Death In Heaven, World Enough And Time, The Doctor Falls)

Moffat’s era has been statistically proven to have shifted public opinion in favour of a female Doctor (ask @scriptscribbles, if you want proof), thanks to the above. 

Simm!Master: “She? Is the future going to be all girl?” 

Twelve: “We can only hope.” 

Also, Moffat wrote Lumley!Doctor in The Curse of Fatal Death in 1999. He’s been pushing for a female Doctor for 18 damn years. 

So, the idea that anyone thinks he’s against it, as opposed to having explicitly worked to help make it happen for years, shows that the general opinion of him is literally a mass fictionalisation/delusion. 

(It’s just one example, but there are hundreds of others, like how everyone seems to think he thinks of himself as The Greatest Ever and having a huge ego, when he’s literally one of the most self-deprecating people ever, if you watch him in an interview. He’s openly admitted to mistakes he’s made on his time on the show, such as the way he handled the scene at the end of Flesh and Stone, and how Series 7 wasn’t his best because of the pressure he was under about the upcoming 50th anniversary; he is aware of his fallibility.) 

He’s not a perfect person, or writer, and no one knows that better than him. There’s a lot of critical discussions we could have about his writing, and there are a fair few actual problems with it, just as there are in the RTD era, and every damn era of Who that has existed. I’m not saying everybody has to like it, because every era of Doctor Who is down to personal preference, and that’s fine. There are plenty of rational, well-informed people, fans and otherwise, who have their -often sound - reasons for not liking Moffat and/or his era of Who in general. I am friends with some of them. 

But those rational, well-informed people are like, 5% of the people who otherwise make up a sea of loud, ignorant delusion that condemns Doctor Who under Moffat’s direction and downright refuses to acknowledge some of the amazing stuff it’s done in the last few years. 

(Like, Series 10 featured a black lesbian co-lead who got a happy ending, leaving the Moffat era finishing strong on six canonically sapphic women, four of whom are still alive, none of whom died pointlessly or without agency, and three of whom are immortal or close enough, in a time when all other TV sapphics are dropping dead like flies. It also had the Doctor punch a racist in the face and comment on how history is whitewashed, and had an episode slamming capitalism. Plus, the finale canonised that Time Lords don’t view gender the same way, reinforcing canon genderfluid Time Lords.)  

Between his second and third seasons of DW being divisive and/or a bit weak, all the Sherlock shit going down, and the fall of Supernatural, and the issue of people taking RTD Who as the baseline for everything Doctor Who when they really shouldn’t have, anti-Moffat sentiments got so big that masses of people fell off the show, and continue to refuse to acknowledge that he might have done anything worthwhile with it since they left. That he might, as a person, have developed and improved. 

And so, that is potentially how Doctor Who got lumped in with SuperWhoLock, labelled “not progressive”, and considered “cringy” to this day. 

Or at least, that’s my theory, as someone who wasn’t really paying a lot of attention, but knows her Doctor Who.