#like ?? Sonic being open and vulnerable with his emotions but the second he’s about to receive a comforting touch he flinched away??

[cowboylikemaybelle]

shadow reaching out to comfort sonic and then yanking his hand back..,.,,.

[tbloff]

“Solace”- Earl Sweatshirt 0:40-10:00

This Track by Earl Sweatshirt quietly released on April 28th, 2015 posted on his old YouTube account under the name “dar Qness” is one of the most vulnerable songs I’ve personally ever listened to.

This song is a look into Earl's mental state after the passing of his grandmother, a chilling portrayal of depression in the form of song.

It’s one of my favorite songs because the real emotion Earl bleeds onto this track, he’s in complete distress and he turned his pain into art.

The beat to this track shows the rhythm of Syncopation, which sonically is very fitting for the incredibly depressing (off-beat) topics of this track.

The first verse opens up with;

“Late for everything, my face to the cement That's how I always seen it I spent days faded and anemic

You could see it in my face, I ain't been eatin' I'm just wastin' away”

When you look at these lyrics they’re textbook signs of depression, he’s overly critical of himself and completely self-aware of the damage he’s causing to himself, rather than eating, doing drugs to cope, and forgetting about what’s going on in his life.

The second line in verse 1;

“Looks like the way that River Phoenix went gon' end up my fate

And when they drag me out the gutter, mail the ashes to my mother”

River Phoenix passed away due to overdoes, Earl knows if he doesn’t change his habits he’ll end up with the same fate for his drug use.

Skipping ahead to the last line in verse one;

“Try to make some sense of all this shit in my brain

One foot stuck in a tar pit of my ways”

Earl sees the gravity of the situation he’s in but feels completely trapped in his depression, Earl also mentions that he has “one foot stuck” implying that he is halfway out of his depression he could more than likely escape if he wanted to but it’s constantly sucking him back in. This concept of being pulled apart by two opposing forces is called “Cognitive dissonance” which is a mental stress/ discomfort caused by conflicting thoughts.“Cognitive dissonance” can also manifest anxiety and depression especially when people have dissonance about their identity or how they view/ perceive themselves, which Earl openly talks about on this verse.

Earl doesn’t want to die of an overdose or waste his life away, but he feels incapable of changing his behavior.

After the first verse is finished, you hear the dynamics of loud piano keys pressing down miraculously going into the next verse, which is fitting for the thoughts in Earl’s mind with how all over his thoughts are. hearing the Dynamics of the piano keys crashing down going into the next verse gives a sense of distress and misdirection in Earl's life.

The song takes a very big jump in timbre coming into this second part of the song, Earl's voice is less energetic you can tell he’s falling victim to the thoughts he’s portraying on himself (self-loathing) he completely crashes and stoops a new low of feeling worthless and out of place on the track.

Moving onto verse 2 on the track, with the newfound tone Earl mumbles the intro to verse 2;

“And if it's like that the whole time

If it's like that the whole time, we’ll be alright, And if it's like that the whole time, we'll be alright Stayin' up all night, but it's alright

And I have been stayin' up the whole night, but it's alright”

Earl is consumed by everything, he’s to the point he can’t even sleep at night, he’s tired but his mind wanders restlessly. Seemingly self-loathing has taken hold of him.

Verse 2;

“It's me and my nibbling conscience, I'm fixin' to give up I've been alone for the longest

It's trouble, the way that we joggin' Nothin' gon' save us or stop us Me and my nibbling conscience, I'm fixin' to give up I've been alone for the longest

This spliff, I ain't splittin' no time soon My brain split in two, it's rainin a bit I hope it's a monsoon, my face in the sink I'm seein' my mom soon, l'm faded, I stink Stay in it, alright.? (Faded, I'm stayin' in...)”

Earl's melody is very monotone, he sounds very sluggish and tired and it seems he’s subconsciously losing any energy and at this point of the track just saying whatever is on his mind. Earl has no hope he hates everything he just wants to sit in a pit of despair he’s undermining his mental health and physical health about seeing his mom, he doesn’t seem to have any motivation to do anything at this point in his life and it’s a completely depressing part of the song.

The song takes a very long break from its second to the third verse, and you just get to hear the instrumental, the best goes polyphonic for a little bit hearing a bottle clashing with other bottles and the sound of one note coming from what’s presumably a trumpet. The instrumental soon levels out and calms down into this chill beat with no lyrics mind you, and after hearing the bottles clank around from earlier this chill part of the track can only remind me of the fixation of calming down after self-medicating yourself, and it seems that’s the case with Earl on this track.

Verse 3;

“I got my grandmama's hands, I start to cry when I see em

'Cause they remind me of seein' her

These the times that I needed her most 'cause I feel defeated

And not by nothin' by myself, my second thoughts, my sec

(And not by nothin' by myself)

My hands, I start to cry when I see 'em

'Cause they remind me of seein' her

These the times that I needed her most 'cause I feel defeated

And not by nothin' but myself, my second thoughts My hectic process of thinkin' and all my doubts, and I think

I know Nak in there sleepin', he on the couch, that's my brother

Give me a boost when my confidence need it, so l love him

To tell the truth, I got a problem with eatin', I be druggin'

To tell the truth, I'm not supposed to be off in here I'm supposed to be sleepin', but I be turnin' and tossin'

To tell the truth, I miss my partna dem

To tell the truth, you can't be loud when you're the wrongest, fam

To tell the truth, I'm at a loss of friends

Well time waits for no man and death waits with cold hands

I'm the youngest old man that you know If ya soul intact, let me know”

The Final verse is the most we see into what’s coherently wrong with Earl. He mentions his grandmother, someone whom he mentions he needs the most at the given point of distress in his life.

Earl then begins to start a few bars with “to tell the truth”, confessing some of the things he’s doing wrong at the given point of his life he mentions drug use, lack of sleep, undereating, and a lack of friends. At the end of all of the confessions his last line is;

“Well time waits for no man and death waits with cold hands

I'm the youngest old man that you know If ya soul intact, let me know”

Earl recognizes that even though he’s having this internal battle in his mind the world going to keep spinning regardless.

Earl may be young, but he feels like he’s at the end of his life, feeling like the “youngest old man that you know”

It may seem like Earl may have completely given up on himself and feels like he has a corrupt soul, but as much grief as Earl faces on this track, only by reaching this low point in his life Earl can find “Solace” in his life.

[thepermanentrainpress]

UNDER THE RADAR: MARCH 2023

We’re spring-ing into April with Under The Radar releases by Lenn, Candace Coker, SUGARFUNGUS, Leave Yourself Alone, Jia, and Sarina Haggarty!

1) Lenn - “silicone”

When you want more out of life, you question whether the one you’re living is on the path to that potential. Bristol-based artist Lenn’s new single “silicone,” lingers on that fear and need for validation. Her vocals are soothing but powerful atop an R&B/pop melody – a mix of pearls, passion, and aching.

“silicone” is Lenn’s second single off her forthcoming EP, but it demonstrates a cool and collected sound that she’s been honing for much longer. It feels like a lesson in embracing the unknown; a mature reflection that ebbs and flows with the what-ifs. Lenn’s debut EP is due out later this year.

“I wanna wake up a whole other woman / born again / where all my dreams are sealed with silicone.”

Written by: Natalie Hoy

2) Candace Coker - “Strong Arms”

It’s a connection so deeply felt as Candace Coker wrestled with her faith and relationship with God after being diagnosed with a Connective Tissue Disorder in 2021. Her story is engrained in the song’s fabric – the persistent pain, physically and mentally, and how her new state affected her Christian worship in prayer and scripture. While I cannot relate to the weight of what she faced, there’s a universal sentiment in inadequacy and not fulfilling expectations that she speaks of (“Will You stay a friend if I forget to call / I’ve got good intent behind all this foggy dampness in my head”).

Sonically the gospel-tinted indie folk cut has stunning layers of vocals and percussive instruments, with producer Lori Chaffer capturing Coker’s vision of wild horses in an open field, a wounded soldier in need of rescue, and an almighty saviour. As a listener, I sensed the intense exhaustion and hurt and in contrast, the uplifting spirit. Her vocals are pristine, tonal changes moving with the peaks and valleys. It’s beautiful in how she asks for compassion and understanding, strengthening a relationship with Him in the process. Coker is vulnerable, heard and warmly accepted in “Strong Arms.” Her album Bare and Bones is out now.

Written by: Chloe Hoy

3) SUGARFUNGUS - “Saint Michel”

SUGARFUNGUS is the perfect name for a band that writes music for all the senses. Comprised of three jazz school graduates and two PhD scientists, the Vancouver collective came to be during the COVID-19 pandemic and spent their first few months collaborating via weekly Zoom meetings.

“Saint Michel” calls to its dream-like namesake with vast and ominous lyricism (“Washed up again / Ancient paradise, now condemned / Captive saint of sand / Buried by her hand”). It welcomes the listener with European tides and holds that attention between bright synths, lulling guitars, and Tess Meckling’s yearning tone. The song is both regretful and stunning – breezy winds, throbbing heart.

Written by: Natalie Hoy

4) Leave Yourself Alone - “Catch Somebody”

"Catch Somebody” is the epitome of the power of friendship and emotional healing; characters spouting cynicism and optimism clash, with a realization that building what once was will not solve one’s problems. Ryan Stephenson (of Morning Show and Tough Lovers) is joined by Ethan Henthorn and Ellen Kibble in his project’s debut, a sobering single of conversation and rumination. Their soft, echoey harmonies throughout, notably in the synth, guitar and drum heavy explosive chorus, offer tranquility and the glimmer of hope sought after. 

Merging the “physical with the existential” in how he views and thinks about life, he has insight and urgency in his words (“There’s no real as good as counterfeit / I get by while getting half of it / Is that advice we want?”). Its grungy direction pulls from shoegaze, post-rock and indie rock, a stream of thought that isn’t far from the expansive sound. I love the concept questioning social construct and familiarity, performed in a way that incites transformation, and accepting a helping hand.

Written by: Chloe Hoy

5) Jia - “Let My Baby Go”

It has this distinct macabre quality that is mysterious and woeful. Jia (Vancouver indie rock artist Crystal Lee) reads like a lullaby laced with toxicity and perpetual attachment. “Let My Baby Go” was inspired by her affinity for Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill films and the 'Spaghetti Western’ genre; oh how love can feel reborn and alive, but is not always pleasant and kind (“you swallowed me up like Tylenol / and how very often you were ill”). Despite the dismissing temper, there’s a romanticism which I love. It would fit well within a western of its own, of drama, betrayal, and the gritty outlaw culture. Acoustic, bass, pedal steel and electric guitars, drums and fiddle are used—in harmony painting a shade of rouge across a deserted desert.

“Let My Baby Go” is liberating, and a harrowing creative direction taken by Jia that demonstrates impressive range beyond the usual rock/pop sphere.

Written by: Chloe Hoy

6) Sarina Haggarty - “Alison” 

Perfectly angsty and sentimental, “Allison” is a true pop rock gem. Ontario’s Sarina Haggarty co-wrote the song with Christina O’Connor and producer Dylan Emmet. Sure, cheating, frustration and moving apart, it’s nothing new—but it’s a hot topic that will remain relatable as long as it continues to (unfortunately) occur. It works in Haggarty’s favour; her lighter, punchy tone reaching a boiling point as the track moves forward (“you lie really good / do you practice?”). I love the subtle laugh and layering in the bridge/climax portion, it's a fitting closure. The production and instruments emphasize her bitter words and self-assured stance, empowered and tethered no more. 

Allison is a placeholder for the other girl. It’s interesting to think of her, the one who may next fall victim to his charm, but still responsible for and plays a part in the initial fallout. Haggarty’s new album Waste of Time is out now.

Written by: Chloe Hoy

[aka-ashi-keiji]

“i can’t hear you”

Bakugou Katsuki x best friend reader

soft angst

tw: screaming, emotional meltdown.

short fic about bakugou and you’re his childhood best friend, and you help him through dealing with his hearing loss. enjoy lovies.

*******************************************************

You woke up to the sound of your mother knocking on your door and yelling, “y/n wake up, you have training today with katsuki. i love that boy but i am not in the mood to deal with his explosive attitude over you being late .” You lived right next door to katsuki all your life and since your moms were best friends, you guys were best friends since you learned how to walk. Every saturday you guys would train from 8 AM to noon in his garage since it was basically a mini gym, and then after you both would head over to your house. You checked the time on your phone on the bedside table and it read 7:50. “SHIT MOM WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME UP SOONER” you yelled as you jumped out of bed and quickly found a black tank top and grey sweatpants to train in. You could hear your mom chuckling as she walked away from your door. You grabbed your headphones, phone, water bottle, and Nike’s before yelling a goodbye and dashing over to Katsuki’s front yard. 

You knocked on his door four times so that his family knew it was you. You were halfway through slipping your shoes on when Mitsuki answered. She yawned and pulled you into a side hug. “Good morning y/n, you hungry?” She asked as she closed the door behind you guys and started towards the kitchen. “No thanks Mitsuki, I don’t like to train on a full stomach. My mom is making a huge lunch though, you guys are welcome to join us.” You said cheerfully, but kept your voice low since it was very early and you could tell Katsuki’s mom was still half asleep. She nodded and then whipped her head to face you wearing a look on her face as if she had just remembered something very important. “Kat has been very on edge lately and not very responsive this week.” She paused before starting again and turned her gaze to the floor, almost as if she didn’t want to talk. “I think it might have to do with his hearing. He won’t admit it, but I think his quirk is finally starting to affect him. Good thing we put him in those sign language classes as a precaution.” she laughed dryly and then turned back to look at you. “Just, take it easy him with the teasing today okay? and maybe try speaking a little louder. I’ll go see if he’s ready” and with that she gathered herself up the stairs and disappeared. 

You thought silently as you waited, and all of a sudden it made sense. Lately at school bakugou has been yelling more than usual, and telling everyone to speak louder. Maybe he was yelling more to be able to hear himself? You didn’t know. Bakugou has been learning sign language since he was 7 years old as a precaution for this and has been regularly signing while he talks since he was 10. So, bakugou using his sign language all the time wasn’t uncommon, but maybe Mitsuki was right. You made a mental note not to say anything until you actually noticed a big change in your guys’ training. You waited patiently for about another 10 minutes before Katsuki finally came downstairs. 

“Hey idiot, nice outfit.” Katsuki greeted you in his groggy morning voice, his hands signing his words lazily. You looked down at the tank top and sweatpants you were wearing and looked back to him, you both were wearing the same exact thing. “Morning pom pom” you greeted back as you gathered your things and started to head towards the garage. You turned around to see bakugou staring into nothing, so you called out. “Hey kat, you coming?” No response. You repeated yourself, but this time loud enough you were sure you woke his dad. He whipped his head towards you and nodded before following along. As you were walking down the hall, you turned to him and asked, “You okay?” while signing your words. Katsuki looked down at your hands and his cheeks started to dust with the lightest shade of pink. He huffed and his red eyes sparked as he just growled out a ‘yeah’ and walked ahead of you into the garage, starting to set up for your session. You yourself had picked up sign language at a young age because your dad was deaf because his quirk was being able to shoot sonic booms from his hands. you pressed the button to open the garage door and let some light in. You then walked over to the speakers and plugged your phone in as you hit play on your playlist specifically for training days. Bakugou stopped setting up the bench press station and yelled, “Can you turn it up? “ as he signed quickly, but then went back to putting the weights together. You turned back to the speaker only to be surprised since the volume was already almost at max capacity. You shook your head and turned the volume all the way up. This session should be interesting. 

It was around 9:30 AM at this point and you and Kat had finished weights and went on a 2 mile run. You were currently sitting on the floor stretching your quads as the loud techno music boomed around you. You glanced over at katsuki who was stretching on the other side of the garage and he seemed to be in a whole other universe. You called out to him, but he didn’t do so much as flinch. You picked yourself up off the floor and slowly walked towards him. You called a few more times and still got nothing from him, so you decided to turn off the music. As soon as you did Katsuki’s head shot up and his eyes darted towards you. “What the hell was that for dipshit? We’re gonna start sparring soon, we need it.” He said/yelled at you while you sauntered over to him and took a seat about a foot away from his now steaming body. You wiped the sweat from your forehead with the back of your arm before talking to katsuki, well you didn’t exactly talk with your voice, you were mostly signing. “Katsuki are you sure you’re okay? You’re not responding when I call out for you.” You waited for his response as his eyes stayed on your hands that were once moving. This time he answered, but for some reason he didn’t sign. “If I tell you, you can’t tell a single soul you hear me dumbass? Not even my parents. “ You nodded your head and gently reach over to squeeze his hand four times, your guys’ way of saying I promise. He then began to talk, and signed very aggressively as he did so, and what he said was enough to shatter you into a million pieces. 

 “I’ve been struggling in a way lately,” he started, “I tried to cover it up by just yelling all the time hoping people would just think it was my normal behavior. But, really it was so i could he hear myself.” Katsuki let out a long breath and you could see his hands slightly shaking. “It started out last week as just a slight ringing, but it got louder every damn day. But, this week the ringing got quieter, and eventually everything around me started to sound like I was underwater. “ He looked up at you and your breath hitched, tears rolled down katsuki’s face as he held eye contact. He shook out his hands and took another shakey breath before he began, “I- I can barely hear you y/n! And its so frusturating.” the volume of his voice was rising, and you could see the pain he was feeling through his eyes and the tears that were now dripping down to his shirt. “I can’t hear your fucking voice damnit! It’s the only one that doesn’t drive me up fucking walls.  it terrifies me!” He was screaming at this point as his hands worked through the air to express his words. The tears came at a much quicker pace once he had stopped to breathe, and those tear turned into sobs as he curled in on himself. He tucked his knees to his chest and ducked his head into his arms as they wrapped around his legs. His shoulders and back shook as he cried, and for a moment you didn’t know what to do. You haven’t seen Katsuki cry since you both were 8 years old and he was playing with his quirk and accidently blasted your arm. He started crying as soon as he heard you wail in pain, and the lecture from his mother didn’t help in the slightest. You subconsciously reached up to rest your hand on the scar as you tried to think of what you could say to him.

 Katsuki leveled his head and looked up at you, and slowly reached his hand out, still crying quietly. For a second you didn’t know what he meant, but it soon clicked in your head and you took his hand in yours. you looked at him with teary eyes and signed, “How can i help?” He untucked his legs from his chest and moved closer to you. Then, before you could even register what was happening, Katsuki had his arms around your waist with his head on your shoulder. You froze, it had been quite some time since either of you had needed a hug like this. once your shock had subsided, you brought your hands to rest on his upper back and rubbed soothingly. He began to cry again, which then led to sobs just like they had before. You began to talk, whispering variations of ‘I’m here’ and ‘You don’t have to be scared’, only to remember that he probably can’t hear you. Seeing katsuki as vulnerable as this broke your heart, and single tear fell from your face. Katsuki could feel your jaw muscles moving against the side of his face, so he knew you were talking, but he couldn’t hear you. “I- i- i- I can’t hear! I can’t hear you! Y/n I can’t hear you, fix it please, please I hate this so much!” He screamed into your shoulder which luckily muffled it enough to not draw any attention from the neighbors. He gripped onto your waist tighter as he breathed long and hard breaths. “I’m so scared. I’m terrified of losing you.” He whispered. This had confused you so you gently placed your hands on his shoulders and put a bit of distance between you guys so he could see you signing. “What do you mean you’re gonna lose me? I’m not going anywhere.” You said and waited for his response. He brought his trembling hands up to start signing and began, “I’m scared that if i can’t hear you, I won’t hear you calling me for help when you’re in danger. What kind of hero am I if i can’t even save my best friend?” You took one of his hands in yours and began to sign with your other. “You’re gonna be okay, We’re both gonna get you through this. I know you, and you don’t take shit from no one. And I know damn well you’re not gonna let a little hearing loss get in the way of beating deku.” He laughed slightly at the last statement, and seeing his small smile was like the world coming off of your shoulders. “We’ll take you to the doctor, they’ll help you.” He shook his head at that and his angry glowering returned. “It’s not anything to be embarrassed about. And I’m sure your parents would do anything to help you become the hero you want to be.” You finished your monologue and squeezed his hand four times, promising him you’re not going anywhere. He smiled down at his hand and then brought his other one up to sign, “I love you shithead” and you signed back, “Yeah I know, I love you too Kat”.

 He began to stand up and Katsuki pulled you up with him.  He immediately pulled you into the tightest bear hug possible. No one knew, but Katsuki was the biggest hugger, and it was your favorite thing about him. You released your arms from his waist and he released his hold around your shoulders. You took the sides on his face in your hands, and pointed to your lips as a signal to read your words. He nodded his head, and in a volume Katsuki couldn’t hear, you said, “I can hear you, I can hear you.”. He nodded and smiled the most genuine smile you’d seen out of him in years. “You ready?” he signed, and you answered “for what?”. He smirked and was quiet for a few seconds before shoving you to the side a little and running off towards your house. “Race you!” he yelled, “First one there, is your mom’s favorite you loser.” Kat called again. You smiled and shook your head as you sprinted off after him, remembering this is the Katsuki that will be the #1 hero someday. 

***************************************🌸

[soft-glitch]

Through Thick And Thin

Fandom: Sonic the Hedgehog

Type: hurt/comfort, platonic fluff

Word count: about 2700 words

Author’s notes: this year was a mess. But I’m grateful for a few things that happened to me in 2020. One of these things is getting into the Sonic fandom, which helped me find joy in being creative again. Another is a budding friendship with someone really cool, that I can only hope will last for a long time.

This fic is kind of a gift to that person for New Year’s Day. To everyone, but especially to you O, I wish a happy new year and many good things to come.

- - - - -

It was not an easy morning.

Shadow had always been an early bird. He never needed much sleep compared to other mobians, thanks to his bio-engineered origins. This was both a blessing and a curse, depending on the days.

Being able to stay up most of the night during missions proved useful more than once. On the other hand, when ugly thoughts would assail him and sleeping them away was not an option, well… It was suddenly much less interesting.

On this last day of December, the hedgehog could not shake uneasy feelings. Between Eggman’s plotting and his own personal issues Shadow always had rough times, but this year had been… a lot.

Walking silently in the empty corridor, careful not to wake up anyone in the household, the dark mobian reached the kitchen and started preparing hot chocolate. Since most of his friends knew about his sweet tooth he didn’t bother hiding it anymore, and Rouge always made sure they were stocked up on cocoa.

While waiting for the milk to warm, he glanced at the clock on the wall. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

The eerie calm of early hours often made Shadow slightly uncomfortable. Despite his introvert side enjoying the peaceful solitude, it was also a moment where his thoughts would simmer in his mind, either awoken by confuse dreams or simply emerging as the day started. He would often put some music or read a book to avoid thinking too hard about it.

Didn’t always work, though.

Taking a deep breath the hedgehog felt some relief at the sweet scent of chocolate. He took a small sip before moving to roll himself in blankets on the large couch. With a long and noisy yawn he reached for the remote and pointed it at the large TV screen in front of him. Maybe there was something nice to watch while waiting for his roommates to get up.

- - - - -

When Shadow opened his eyes again, sunlight was gently glowing through the translucent curtains of the living room. Which meant it was probably kind of late already. It seemed he fell back asleep at some point.

With a frown, he rubbed his dishevelled quills and took a look at his phone. Almost 11am, and no sign of Rouge or Omega... This was odd, especially since they planned on spending the New Year’s Eve together.

That’s when he noticed an envelope lying on the small coffee table, next to his now empty mug. It was plain kraft, with a small card inside that only offered an address and the words “At noon, don’t be late hun”.

Obviously from Rouge. She loved putting mystery and drama in everything she did. Shadow huffed and shook his head.

Irredeemable.

Did that mean his friends got up without waking him and prepared some kind of surprise? However silly it was, this simple envelope brought some warmth to the hedgehog’s heart. He got up to take a quick shower and prepare for the day, a small smile peeking at the corner of his lips.

- - - - -

The location was one Shadow didn’t particularly recognise, a small intersection in a popular part of the town. Since Team Dark lived in a suburban area and their job at G.U.N was usually all over the world, his knowledge of the city was lacklustre. Right as his phone displayed 12pm a text popped up on the screen.

Rouge Right behind the shoes store, a cafe.

The striped mobian rolled his eyes with a hint of amusement. Even for something as simple as a New Year between friends, the bat couldn’t help making some kind of fun game to play. Shadow would gladly proclaim it futile and childish, but he actually enjoyed these quirky adventures his best friend always peppered in his life.

What he saw next filled him with pure joy. Of course Rouge wouldn’t choose a random cafe to meet. She had to make it extra one way or another, and she just knew how to please him.

The Gentle Garden Chao Café & Flower Shop

Almost giddy at the idea of having some sweets surrounded by chao, the ultimate lifeform stepped into the small establishment. A quick glance around made him happy beyond words: soft muted lights and warm colours complemented vintage furniture, large potted plants adorned all sides of the place, and —most importantly— chao of every kind were all over the place, either walking, being cuddled by clients or sleeping on small pillows.

In the back of the room was a large counter, behind which a massive chalkboard displayed both the cafe menu and prices of various flower arrangements.

Before Shadow could go and talk to the barista, a familiar face caught his attention. Rouge was there, sitting nonchalantly and sipping some drink in the most ostentatious way possible.

The hedgehog smirked and sat in front of her.

“So...?” he started with a raised brow. “So what? Did you think I’d let you stay home for this special day?” Rouge huffed between two exaggerated sips. “It’s just New Year’s Eve, not an anniversary or something...” Shadow said, glancing at the table.

He realised an order of white chocolate cappuccino —his very favourite drink— and forêt noire —one of his favourite sweets— were set in front of him. For a second he felt something rise in his chest. A mix of gratitude and that odd yet pleasing vulnerability he could only feel with his closest friends.

“I know it’s just the new year.” the bat leaned on the table, her eyes both tender and serious. “I also know you haven’t been doing great lately. It’s been a difficult time, and of course it won’t magically be over as midnight comes, but...”

She looked in the distance, her eyes piercing through the windows and their cold winter lighting. Shadow could very clearly feel the bittersweet essence of her expression. This year had also been hard on her.

“We’re in this together, y’know.” she resumed, turning a gentle smile towards him. “And while I can’t resolve every problem we have, I can at least invite my emo bestie to enjoy some chao and indulge in sugary treats!”

The hedgehog chuckled at this, then raised his cappuccino mug. “Let’s have a good time, then. To us bitches.” he said with a knowing grin. “To us bitches!” she exclaimed happily. ”Now drink that ‘ccino, we have chao to cuddle.”

Some laughs and friendly banter later, two chao had found their way on Shadow. One was sleepily nested on his legs while the other was playing on his head, brushing his quills curiously.

“You really have your way with them, just like Omega...” Rouge remarked. She loved the little creatures very much, but she never seemed to attract them as easily as her two partners. No one really knew why and she honestly didn’t mind. It was fun enough to observe them from a distance: no risks of ruined haircut or having one mess with her wings.

“This is the best.” the hedgehog whispered, his voice full of emotion. His friend chuckled. Shadow was endearing in many ways, but his love for plants and creatures was unparalleled in an extremely wholesome way.

“Did you ever consider adopting one?” she asked before biting into her remaining pastry. Shadow’s expression became slightly somber as he looked at her. “I…” he sighed and scratched the sleeping one’s head. “I always wanted to, I guess. Even on the Ark, once we learned about them with Maria, we used to pretend having one. There was a plush, I don’t remember its name. We would play parents, bring it along for walks across the Ark, this kind of things.”

Rouge nodded sympathetically. Maria was less and less a sensitive subject as years went by, but Shadow was still defensive about these memories. Sharing them was one of the most intimate things he would do, and she felt honoured every time it happened.

“Maybe one day.” the hedgehog shrugged with a tired smile. ”Right now our lives are too dangerous. I can’t raise one properly as long as we keep fighting and going on missions Chaos knows where. – Let’s hope we get Eggman and his clique once and for all, then!” Rouge said with a grin. “Can’t wait to have you pester us with photos of your ugly little baby.”

The genuine laugh that followed made the bat beam with happiness.

- - - - -

The very specific atmosphere of New Year’s Eve was not lost to the two mobians as they strolled in the city. Streets were bustling with activity, but in a way that felt distinct from other winter holidays. The ambient anticipation was less frantic, almost… solemn. Instead of rushing for gifts and food, people seemed determined to enjoy the final hours of this year.

Shadow found it interesting, not without its charm. He was more used to strolls in mountains, lonely forests and small paths undulating through fields. The buzzing activity of the city was something else —very nice, though. Plus Rouge knew every neighbourhood surprisingly well, and offered him little fun facts and stories about all sorts of buildings and places.

“It’s a real shame we don’t get more free time between G.U.N and Eggman.” the bat lamented. “There are so many nice spots I’d love to visit with Omega and you. – We do have vacations once in a while.” Shadow replied. “Yeah, but they’re either ruined by some apocalyptic event or by an intense need for rest.” she sighed. “We can’t enjoy the Museum of Arts if we’re falling asleep every two paintings.”

The dark mobian nodded. Technically Omega and him didn’t need a lot of sleep, but being world-saving heroes brought its own kind of mental fatigue. Moments of calm and respite were too few and far between.

“Well. Next time we have some days off we’ll organise a Team Dark afternoon.” Shadow offered. “An exhibit or two, some games at the arcade. Maybe a small concert at a cafe. – Oh my. Hun, I’m impressed to see you take this kind of initiatives.” the bat replied.

The hedgehog gave her a friendly nudge. “Shut up, can’t let you make all the decisions. – I don’t see why not.” Rouge shrugged with a knowing smile.

They suddenly stopped. Without really realising it, the duo had reached the large avenue leading back to their house. As they exchanged a glance, Rouge winked. “Omega must be waiting for us. Let’s move!” she said cheerfully.

- - - - -

An immediate wave of relief filled Shadow as soon as they passed the front door. “Finally some warmth.” he sighed, removing his large coat and thick scarf. “I was expecting your lowered body temperatures.” Omega’s robotic voice answered from the kitchen. “Hot tea and biscuits are ready for immediate consumption. Made with love.”

Rouge snickered and Shadow repressed a chuckle.  Both knew Omega was absolutely unable to cook anything without setting fire to it, so the biscuits were probably store-bought. They still appreciated the gesture greatly.

Everyone gathered around the table, remembering stories about the now-ending year and its numerous developments. Adrenaline-filled fights, obscure investigations and exhausting assignments went alongside hilarious mistakes, glorious teamwork… and even celebratory moments with all the other heroes of Mobius.

“Okay, but the award for the best party of the year still goes to Knuckles’ surprise birthday.” Rouge said confidently while helping Omega put on a colourful crochet beanie. “Ughh please. Let’s not talk about it.” Shadow groaned, knowing exactly where this was going. “It was extremely fun. The fireworks accident made it over 200% better than any other celebration.” the robot insisted. “Oh right, I almost forgot about that!” the bat laughed. “Poor Knuckie, having to deal with a fire hazard on his cherished island…”

Memories of the furious echidna shouting frantically brought a grin to Shadow’s face. “But!” Rouge added, ”I mostly remember someone having a few drinks too much and— – NOPE!” the hedgehog exclaimed as he brandished his hands. “No talk of this specific event shall happen in this house. Ever.”

Omega tapped his fingers on the table as he eyed his smaller friend. “It is a shame I did not record it for ulterior viewing.” Shadow’s glare was so intense the former badnik recoiled slightly.

“Oh well, it’s all in the past now.” Rouge mused teasingly. ”Good times, good times...”

- - - - -

The closet was absurdly full of useless trinkets and Shadow was very, very close to “fix” it with a Chaos blast.

Of course he wouldn’t, knowing how preciously Rouge kept all those odd items from her past. Jewels, foreign souvenirs, postcards, old plushies, photographs… All her memorabilia was kept there, in a mismatched mess mixed up with cleaning supplies, spare beddings and various tools.

“They should be somewhere near the bottom!” the bat shouted from across the flat. The hedgehog growled, his eyes desperately scanning the clutter in front of him. Finally he found what he came for.

Fairy lights. The essential accessory to any LRCS —Living Room Camping Session.

Shadow walked back to the main room, where a drying rack and several chairs formed a structure covered by sheets and blankets. Omega was evaluating whether the improvised tent was big enough for him. “It is perfect, Rouge. We will be able to fit within the designated comfy area.” he said before crawling underneath the colourful construction.

The hedgehog carefully hung the string of lights around and inside the tent before plugging it. Rouge grabbed some snacks and scuttled against the large robot, who fiddled with the remote until a title screen showed on the TV.

“Are we really watching this?” Shadow asked hesitantly. “Shadow. We all know your inclination for romance between organic beings. Please come cuddle so we can start the movie.” Omega said. “Don’t tell me you suddenly decided to hate cheesy fiction, sweetie.” Rouge added. “I would rather perish than lose your snarky remarks and teary-eyed spee— – Alright, I get it, I’m coming.” the hedgehog replied with a frown. “This better be good, though.”

It was everything but good. Outbursts of laughter and incredulous stares followed one another as the movie —a romantic parody of the famous blockbuster Attack On Mobius— kept getting more and more absurd. Omega threatened to turn himself off as he struggled to find any reasoning behind what was happening, and Rouge almost choked on her pop-corn near the end of the second part.

When the credits started rolling, the three buddies snuggled together. The winter night cold was no match for a group hug and thick quilts. Shadow eyed his phone and hummed.

“It’s almost midnight. – Does that mean we have to prepare a wish?” Rouge asked in a sleepy voice. “We don’t have to.” the hedgehog replied, glancing at his two friends.

Has to be an odd sight, he thought. A haphazard team with so many differences, united by pure luck in a challenging world. Chilling together in a makeshift tent in the middle of a flat like nothing else mattered. He closed his eyes and took a moment to appreciate the warm feelings. Being surrounded by such amazing souls for whom he really mattered. Knowing all the affection and dedication hidden behind that seemingly cold name, “Team Dark”.

“I wished for a pony.” Both Omega and Shadow looked at their bat friend with tilted heads. “What? They’re cute, I dunno.” she shrugged with a shit-eating grin. “What would you guys wish for? – Dual plasma swords.” the robot replied. “Maybe I should ask Miles when we cross paths again.”

Rouge rolled her eyes, then shouted curse words as she realised midnight was mere seconds away. Omega startled, making the whole tent fall on the team. The striped hedgehog quickly covered his muzzle with his hands, trying to suppress an irresistible laugh. No matter how hard life was, no matter the obstacles in his way, one thing was certain as the year came to an end.

Friendship was all he could wish for.

[happymetalgirl]

October 2020

Six Feet Under - Nightmares of the Decomposed

I wrote a full-length review of this disaster of an album earlier in the month, and yeah, wow. Between the phoned-in performances from the instrumentalists who have proven themselves far above this joke of a band and the half-assed production this would have been a pretty crappy album even without Chris Barnes’ milk-aged vocals. But he’s here, and he’s managed to actually get worse too, gasping his way through the whole album and littering it with these ludicrous “high” squeals that would make Smeagol sound like a more competent death metal vocalist. It’s the worst thing I’ve heard all year, and what’s worse, I don’t think Six Feet Under is stopping.

1/10

With that out of the way, let’s cleanse the pallet right away with some really good shit.

Greg Puciato - Child Soldier: Creator of God

Ever reliable in his artistically integrity, explosive former Dillinger Escape Plan frontman, Greg Puciato, has been pretty sonically and artistically adventurous since the honorable dissolution of the iconic mathcore outfit, his most notable music project being the ethereal, synth-heavy The Black Queen. This year, however, Puciato has gone fully solo for a full-length project, and something told me to get ready for a wild ride, and boy was I right on that hunch. Borne out of an exponentiated process of songwriting that produced songs Puciato deemed unfitting for any of his current projects, what was planned as a small release to ship these songs out of the writing room eventually spiraled into a full-blown debut solo album clocking in at over an hour. A lot of solo projects play like clearly indulgent amateur hour sessions from an artist whose ego has been boosted pretty well from significant success from their main project, leading them to overconfidently try their hand at music they have no business trying it at. And it’s often approached under the understanding that it is a victory lap, more or less, and a satisfaction of creative impulses for the sake of it. Sometimes the resultant material is clearly inspired and showcases a side of an artist that certainly deserves some spotlight. Other times it feels like being trapped in an awkward situation with an acquaintance where they just show you all their newest pedals and production software and you’re just stuck there watching them fiddle around while you nod along and offer the occasional “wow, that’s pretty crazy” every now and then while they don’t pick up on the obvious cues that you are just waiting for them to finish playing with their toys. While Puciato was open about this album being borne from the very creatively borderless mindset that so often damns solo projects, Child Soldier: Creator of God is an actual realization of the type of grand, genre-spanning album that so many solo artists envision themselves making and set out to create, and it’s hardly a whimsical, amateurish crack at the styles within either. Puciato’s foray into sludge metal, industrial rock, harsh noise, darkwave, synthwave, and shoegaze, (1) makes for a hell of a dynamic and exciting track list, and (2) shows a much deeper than average respect for and relationship with the styles being played here. This isn’t some frontman thinking his charisma can carry him through a whole rap solo album; this is a well-rounded artist (also a hell of a frontman, no denying that) giving the most comprehensive look yet into his creative mind. The album leaps around in patches of different styles, strung together mostly by ambient connective tissue of various types, all with a great attention to detail paid to both texture and progression. We get early patches of smooth ambiance, but also aggressive industrial and sludge metal, eventually moving to more soothing and meditative synthy stuff around the middle, finishing with some serene, Have a Nice Life-esque shoegaze. But really there’s no way to sum up this album stylistically without breaking down every single song on here, and that would just ruin the fun and the experience. You really just have to experience it for yourself.

9/10

DevilDriver - Dealing with Demons I

Embarking on a conceptual double-album, Dez Fafara and DevilDriver’s first installment in the pair is a scoop of the, indeed, slightly above average, but unfortunately still plain and predictable modern groove metal they always offer up. I’ll give the band credit for keeping the pace up and clearly putting substantial energy into the performances on this album, while also trying to squeeze in a few shake-ups to their sound, like the clear Gojira-inspired riffage on the opening track. The album loses steam, unfortunately, as its punches lose their impact as it goes on.

6/10

Anaal Nathrakh - Endarkenment

While certainly cultivating a unique sound, Anaal Nathrakh’s unholy fusion of nasty modern blackened grindcore with sweeter metalcore and melodic death metal elements has its mixed results. And while that might at first sound like a relatively critical assessment of the Brits’ eleventh album, I’d say that there is actually a lot to enjoy and take in for at least the interesting mix of styles, most of which are hits rather than misses as well.

7/10

Enslaved - Utgard

Having been a fan of a good amount of their recent output, especially 2015’s In Times, I came out of Utgard moderately disappointed with how infrequently Enslaved galvanized their potent brand of Viking folky, progressive black metal effectively; the few moments the band do channel their strengths cohesively and purposefully left me wanting more rather than savoring those moments.

6/10

In Cauda Venenum - G.O.H.E.

It’s hard to, and indeed seems kind of in just to, sum up a heaping prog metal serving like G.O.H.E., comprised of two 22-minute halves, in a capsule review, but that is kind of the format my current busy circumstances have forced me into. French outfit In Cauda Venenum made a self-titled debut in similar two-long-track fashion back in 2015, and the band’s gothic and somewhat theatrical brand of atmospheric post-black-metal is continued on their sophomore effort here, drawing the obvious comparisons to Opeth and Katatonia, as well as Der Weg Einer Freiheit, Numenorean, and Sólstafir, and apart from the more frequent sample usage and extra drawn-out songs, there really isn’t that much to differentiate In Cauda Venenum stylistically. The band’s second album, unfortunately, resembles so many others in the field with big aspirations and the same inadequate means of getting there.

5/10

Apparition - Granular Transformation

A much more bite-sized early two-track offering, Apparition’s debut EP offers a more promising glimpse into a heady, atmospheric, yet still visceral manipulation of modern death metal that I would be curious to hear in a more long-form format. In a genre as extreme as death metal in recent years has been, finding artists effective at working with negative space can be difficult, but the two songs on Granular Transformation showcase a formidable dexterity from Apparition that I think can take them places.

6/10

Molasses - Through the Hollow

While indeed marred by some rough performances on songs with sometimes more desert to cross than water to make it there, there’s an undeniable occult hypnotism about the Dio-era-esque doom metal hollow that Molasses ritualize their way through.

7/10

Death Angel - Under Pressure

While certainly an odd choice on the surface, Death Angel’s acoustic EP and cover of the famous Queen song actually comes out pretty alright. The acoustic version of Act III’s “A Room with a View” comes off with the energy of something like Rush whenever they went acoustic, and the original acoustic cut, “Faded Remains” isn’t too bad either. The acoustic format did not, however, mask the drabness of “Revelation Song” from last year’s overall disappointment, Humanicide.

6/10

Necrophobic - Dawn of the Damned

The Swedes’ melodic brand of blackened death metal is nothing if not thorough on the quintet’s ninth full-length, Dawn of the Damned, covering all the ground that their fans expect their style to cover and doing so with more compositional and performative stamina than their average contemporary. While the band’s broader compositional approach is akin to the beating of a dead horse, I can’t deny it produces some tasty motifs in the process.

7/10

Bloodbather - Silence

After coming onto the blossoming metallic hardcore scene in 2018 with a standard, but potent enough 14-minute EP, Pressure, Bloodbather are back with another 14 minutes of similar, yet less promising material, doing little to set themselves apart from or on the same level of the likes of Jesus Piece, Vein, Knocked Loose, or Harm’s Way.

5/10

Infera Bruo - Rites of the Nameless

The Bostonians’ fourth full-length is, at the very least, a rather well-executed forty minutes of modern black metal a la Craft or Watain, but beneath the seams the band’s progressive tendencies twist what would otherwise be a fresh, but standard, slab of black metal into a more head-turning offering of the usual shrieks and blast beats.

7/10

Touché Amoré - Lament

While somewhat shaky in their compositional exploration in their fifth LP, the firmness of their emotive post-hardcore foundation allows for Touché Amoré to build upwards relatively steadily without losing that raw vulnerability that has made them so captivating to begin with.

7/10

Gargoyl - Gargoyl

This is the self-titled debut from Bostonian four-piece Gargoyl; a novel blend of dirty nineties grunge and gothic prog metal, Gargoyl come through with one of the more impressive genre fusions of the year, meeting the lofty sufficiency for dexterity with excessive vocal harmonies in a manner so uncanny that would make habe to Layne Stayley proud. While there is the expected room for improvement on the compositional end that many debut projects come with, Gargoyl have laid the groundwork for themselves fantastically and started off on a good foot.

7/10

Crippled Black Phoenix - Ellengæst

Through creative gothic flair and full-bodied guest vocal contributions that bolster the somber atmosphere beyond the typical post-metal album, the UK band’s most recent offering of “endtime ballads”, despite its few low points that undo its otherwise immersive atmosphere, serves as one of the more engaging releases under the broader post-metal umbrella of the past year.

7/10

Wayfarer - A Romance with Violence

The Denver-based quartet follow up 2018’s strong emotive case for the potential for evoking cathartic power of the atmospheric black metal which has so saturated the American scene to the point of numbness, their Americana-tinged third LP, World’s Blood, unfortunately, with a fourth LP whose compositional homogeneity and mere few intermittent bursts of enthralling atmospheric instrumentation more represent, rather than advocate the merit of, the saturation of the American atmospheric black metal scene.

6/10

Armored Saint - Punching the Sky

Though I think the structural homogeneity and John Bush’s similarly limited vocal delivery holds it back, with crunchy bangers like “Do Wrong to None” and “My Jurisdiction” alongside more tempered tracks the clearly grunge-influenced “Lone Wolf”, Bush and company provide a relatively stylistically diverse traditional heavy metal album for an age that could use more contemporary representation of classic styles (beyond the entire stoner metal genre LARPing as Black Sabbath too).

7/10

Spirit Adrift - Enlightened in Eternity

But it's not just the old guard representing their era of classic heavy metal robustly; a year and a half after their energetically melodic third album, Divided by Darkness, which took a triumphant melodic approach to classic heavy metal and doom metal similar to that of Khemmis on their excellent third album, Spirit Adrift ease up a bit on the hyper-soulful approach to guitar melody that had led me (and others I'm sure) to draw the comparison to Khemmis, and instead dive deeper into the headspace of the genre's earliest progenitors to achieve that unabashedly glorious rallying cry that is evoked by the very front cover of Enlightened in Eternity. While I am personally pretty partial to the very vulnerable and heartfelt melodic approach that characterized Divided by Darkness, the effectiveness with which Spirit Adrift are able to wield the sometimes Maiden-esque, sometimes Testament-esque sounds of the 80’s on this album is undeniably impressive.

8/10

Fever 333 - Wrong Generation

Providing the correction to this generation’s answer to Rage Against the Machine (after Prophets of Rage’s insufficient attempted revival) Fever 333 follow up last year’s debut of heavy, fired-up and modern take on rapcore with another 14 minutes of righteous anti-racist hardcore anger that’s attuned to the issues to a level that I wish more artists would at least express in their art. While the EP is 18 minutes long, the last two songs, “The Last Time” and “Supremacy”, don’t match the sonic energy of the first six tracks. The somber piano-led snippet-length ballad, “The Last Time”, should have been the conclusion of the album, but the closing track, “Supremacy”, while as conscious as the tracks before it, is basically a late-stage formulaic Linkin Park track that flatters neither of the two bands. Despite botching the landing though, Wrong Generation is a ripping batch of songs that well represent the current unrest and provide a positive hypothetical idea of what it might be like if Rage Against the Machine were in their prime and active today.

7/10

Mörk Gryning - Hinsides Vrede

The Swedes return from their 15-year disillusioned absence from the studio with a concise and clearly renewed enthusiasm for the energetic black metal that they put forth on Hinsides Vrede. Dynamically bolstered by folk-metal compositional tendencies and more than a dash of that famed Gothenburg melodicism (I know they’re from Stockholm and in fact their melodic approach often does heaven to that of their close neighbors from Uppsala, Watain), Mörk Gryning’s seamless return to music finds them jumping into the modern black metal scene’s advanced compositional rubric with relative ease.

7/10

Zeal & Ardor - Wake of a Nation

Having covered their output since their debut and being a big fan of Manuel Gagneux’ project, it pains me to say, especially given the noble pretext and occasional momentary flashes of sobering messaging, that this six-song mini release really doesn’t capture the unique sonic pallet that has made Zeal & Ardor such an interesting act to listen to for the past few years in the most flattering light. The title track is possibly the least of the offenders here, but all the songs here function by taking a little snippet of sound that samples Zeal & Ardor’s broader stylistic range, and drawing it out across these short, but all too minimally composed tracks in such a way that they lose their momentum very quickly. Like I said, I wholeheartedly appreciate, sympathize with, and support what Manuel Gagneux is doing to lend his band’s platform to the addressing of the dire issue of today’s racism through musical means with this project, and when its social motivation is at the forefront, it’s at its most potent, but musically, unfortunately, it’s just desperately underwritten in a way that doesn’t fairly represent how accomplished Zeal & Ardor really are with their sound.

5/10

Sevendust - Blood & Stone

The flashes of crushing grooves reminiscent of their earlier work on Blood & Stone that highlight how well Sevendust can harness nu/alternative metal to execute pummeling attacks with the right crunchy guitar tone, unfortunately, don’t come frequently enough on their twelfth LP to mirage the exhaustion that has come of the band’s writing process after such frequent, unrelenting output and the all too apparent desperate need for a recalibrating, refreshing break, which they certainly deserve for their tenacity.

5/10

Undeath - Lesions of a Different Kind

In one of those cases where the ridiculously gratuitous album cover actually represents the album’s sound quite well, Rochester, New York five-piece, Undeath mince neither words nor sounds on their debut LP in their 100% upfront, no-nonsense, and wonderfully nasty delivery of death metal. Eschewing even the slightest sense of snobbery or pretense for aimless ambition, the band simply compile the genre’s tried and true elements of bellowing growls, filthy riffs, mean-ass down-tuned chugging, and blood-pumping double-bass with blast beats into an addictive slab of raw, uncured death metal that serves as a testament to the merit of not overthinking shit.

8/10

Griffon - Ὸ Θεός Ὸ Βασιλεύς

On their sophomore LP, Parisian quintet Griffon channel the world innovative ethos that has become rather prominent in their scene into a somewhat short, but definitely sweet offering of modestly ambitious black metal that captures much more effectively than most albums of similar style and lesser imagination, the divine grandeur that the genre so often tries and fails to embody.

8/10

Bring Me the Horizon - Post-Human: Survival Horror

After taking the hard left into current pop music trends very transparently on their controversial, which was at least partially intentional on their part, and ultimately really patchy, but not wholly awful, 2019 album, amo, Oli Sykes and co. walk it back substantially for this smaller release here, back to That's the Spirit, even Sempiternal, a prospect that might get a lot of the band's more long-time, metalcore-centric fans excited, but I would suggest those fans temper their expectations of Post-Human: Survival Horror. The band reunite with the anthemic metalcore/deathcore that put them on the map for a good chunk of this album, and the intro track, "Dear Diary,", might even give some false hope of the prodigal sons returning home. But songs like the cookie-cutter single, "Teardrops", provide strong evidence that, while the band have re-embraced their old aesthetic, they have not kicked the pop vocal or compositional habits. And the project really does run out of energy in its final third because of this compositional homogeneity. I do want to highlight the song, "Kingslayer", which features a very in-form Babymetal (I loved their album last year), because their fun, not-so-serious approach to the crossing of J-pop and metal music in their feature on this track among the other songs around it provides a contrast to the more formulaic, disinterested radio pop swagger that Bring Me the Horizon have been trying to jam into their sound that could perhaps inform Bring Me the Horizon's artistic approach to integrating pop music if they really are so hellbent on doing so. Ultimately though, as much as they want to move into newer territory, this trajectory-revising release shows just how much more solid Bring Me the Horizon are in their metalcore territory than they were on amo. It had its predictable hiccups, but this thing wasn't too bad.

7/10

Pallbearer - Forgotten Days

With the slow, sludgy, down-tuned riffing of the menacing opening title track and the similar chug of “Vengeance & Ruination” being the sole exceptions, the remainder of Pallbearer’s fouth full-length largely sees them operating in the same niche they have in their three previous albums. And while this could invoke accusations of playing it safe, the brimming heartfelt sorrow and resistance to succumbing to despair across Forgotten Days is enough to wave that away, as Pallbearer showcase just how emotive doom metal can be.

8/10

Bleeding Out - Lifelong Death Fantasy

The very new act and fresh Profound Lore signing, Bleeding Out, certainly display more dynamic capability than your average local grindcore scene’s biggest names here on their 18-minute debut for the label, but as of now it is still just a glimpse of potential for more effective future implementation. It’s a good start, though, and I’ll be looking forward to a more long-form project from these guys.

6/10

Evildead - United States of Anarchy

Every year we get the resurrection of some long-inactive old-school band who seem to have found that missing spark at last; we’ve seen the return of smaller bands to the studio like Angel Witch or Sorcerer and long-awaited revivals of iconic acts like Possessed. This year, Los Angeles’ Evildead has seen fit to make their commentary on the massive ongoing sociopolitical upheaval. Despite my love for the 80’s thrash scene they were born out of, the combination of the utterly lame band name, logo, and covers for either their ‘89 or ‘91 albums never really made me want to check them out, but seeing the horridly cheesy and incoherent cover of United States of Anarchy (I mean how much more on-the-nose can you get), my morbid curiosity got the best of me. Maybe I’d be wrong to have judged them by their cover, plenty of my favorite 80’s albums have particularly goofy cover art. So what do we get from Evildead in 2020 with this fucking album? Well, it’s not as poorly performed as the past few Anvil albums I’ve had to review have been, but Jesus the lyricism is similarly cheesy 5th-grade-level stuff and smacks of silly political incoherence that essentially boils down to “enlightened centrism” with mix of that good ol’ Illuminati-conspiracy-theory belief that no political thrash album is apparently complete without. I mean there’s just basic acknowledgment of the prominent problems of the day and the fact that both major political parties are bad and that corruption is rampant all throughout DC, but Evildead not only barely scratch the surface, they apply the same level cynicism to the “both sides” they criticize with no substantiation to their criticism despite that mindset being a big reason for our being where we are right now, mixed in with the occasional conspiracy-paranoia about the shadowy underworld running everything, so no real solutions or even proper addressing of these problems. Like, the same level of criticism is levied at right-wingers and communists, like communists are at all why this country has gone to shit. And the generic Anthrax/Megadeth type of thrash instrumentation, while rumbly and mixed well to highlight its bass heaviness, doesn’t exactly make it easy to get past the commentary deficiencies on here.

4/10

Emma Ruth Rundle & Thou - May Our Chambers Be Full

Rounding off their year (at least I think), with a long-teased collaboration with Emma Ruth Rundle, Thou finally present their massive sludge-doom sound in a much more flattering light than the previous cover albums this year did. Thou's original material continues to highlight just why their relatively stiff sound is much more cut out for that, original material, than for trying to bend beyond its flexibility to tribute grunge songs. And while Thou being back in their more effective department, Emma Ruth Rundle's contributions, beyond just her gorgeous and ethereally haunting vocals, to the album's atmosphere, dynamic, and structuring really take the collaboration to the next level. Not to say that Thou are completely overshadowed and relegated to the background on this record or that they don't contribute to a fair share of the legwork here; the workload is shared pretty equally, and both collaborators have their moments of prominence, but Emma Ruth Rundle's ever-present gothic/folky influence really directs the music in a way that plays to Thou's strengths in a way I'm not sure they would have been able to on their own. It's great work from both of them, and I'd be eager to hear Thou find more collaborations like this in the future that push them into doing more interesting things with their crushing doom sound, as opposed to the rather tepid collaborations with The Body.

8/10

Auðn - Vökudraumsins Fangi

Sadly, three albums in, Auðn have only barely exceeded the bare minimum for naturalistic atmospheric black metal, with no signs of significant improvement to be found. The Icelandic band earn points for their earnest delivery, but they never seem to fully make it out of the rut that the genre’s many contemporary acts have dug.

5/10

Botanist - Photosynthesis

The black metal traditionalists might have had to accept that the floodgates to bright ambience and serene shoegaze in the genre have been opened and that there's no going back now, but even as an avid Deafheaven fan, I'm sometimes momentarily surprised at just how heavenly some black metal has gotten lately, and this new album from Botanist is one of those albums. And while it sometimes slips into some of the current wave's typical ruts, the sheer blindingly illuminating aura of this album when it reaches those high points (and it does so frequently) is enough to pull it out from those gutters and high into the cosmos. Yeah, another splendid offering of nature worship from Botanist.

8/10

Mr. Bungle - The Raging Wrath of the Easter Bunny Demo

Making their return after over a decade, Mike Patton recruits both Dave Lombardo and Scott Ian for the long-awaited fourth Mr. Bungle album, which is titled in homage to the first Mr. Bungle demo which it is comprised largely of much clearer re-recordings of. Ever impressive, Mike Patton balances aggression and eccentricity like a tightrope walker on this project too, while his bandmates do the same with thrash metal’s natural adrenaline rush while pushing the genre into new compositional and stylistic territory without sacrificing that crucial whiplash. It’s a great time, and definitely one of the year’s best thrash albums.

8/10

Carcass - Despicable

While they've been much less prolific since their reboot than they were prior, Liverpool's melodic death metal pioneers simply continue to demonstrate their excellence in this seemingly effortless four-track appetizer to next year's Torn Arteries. Anyone familiar with the band's brutal form of melodic death metal will certainly be pleased with the four quite sufficiently pulverizing cuts here; those who may only be familiar with some of the band's many less muscular imitators might be surprised, and pleasantly so, with the Englanders' ability to lay on the infectious guitar melody without sacrificing an ounce of force.

8/10

[ambientstars]

If you could please try with this prompt - “Sleep over? Please?” With 13 and it’s be soft and fluffy. Maybe after a hard adventure or whatever you think is best 💜

Thank you for the request:) 

Warnings: mentions of abuse and blood 

-    -    -

“Doctor please, no!” Your fingers clutched her coat, your whole body weighing down on it to keep her from moving. “Please don’t leave me with him!”

She smiled calmly. It was probably supposed to be reassuring, but it was far from it. “I’ll be five minutes, that’s all I need. I just need you to stay and distract him.”

Tears brimmed your eyes, your bottom lip wobbling. You’d never been without The Doctor before and it felt all too much for the first time to be left alone with The Master.

Yet again he was putting the world in danger and The Doctor had been quick to follow his path which had led you to his makeshift home that he had made in the ruins of a once beautiful castle that he had no doubt destroyed himself.

The Doctor’s plan was to distract The Master from whatever vile plan he was conjuring up next whilst she ran back to the TARDIS to do… something. That part had been unclear to you as soon as she said you’d be staying behind.

“Do you trust me?”

You looked at her for a moment that seemed to last forever, your vision blurred by tears. Your grip on her coat loosened slowly, allowing her to move freely again. “Yes.”

“Five minutes. I promise.”

And with that she turned and ran in the opposite direction, slipping out of view when she turned the corner.

“Well, what do we have here?”

You quickly wiped away the hot tear that fell down your face at the sound of The Master’s voice. You faced him and drew in a steadying breath, ready to be the distraction you needed to be.

Five minutes.

Five minutes of talking, keeping him busy. That’s all you had to do.

-    -

The familiar sound of whirring woke you from your restless sleep, the ache in your back and the chill of the cold ground was an instant reminder of the situation you were currently in.

The tightly locked chains around your ankles stung against the wounds they had rubbed into your skin, the sound of them on the floor of stone rung in your ears like they did every time you moved.

You focussed on the sound, welcoming the distraction from the pain that radiated throughout your body, hoping to forget it all together, even just for a minute.

The blue box The Doctor travelled in began to materialise in front of you, the flashing light on the top was almost too bright in the dimly lit room you’d spent most of your days in.

With a final clunk of settling in place, the door to the box flew open, even more light flooding into the room making your eyes squint.

The Doctor stepped out in a hurry, a big adrenaline filled smile on her face, her knees bent slightly so she was primed to run on a moment’s notice.

Her smile faltered when she saw you on the ground, tucked in the corner, battered and broken. As quick as a flash she was on her knees in front of you, hands outstretched as if she wanted to touch you, but restrained herself in fear of hurting you further.

“What…?” Her eyes looked you up and down several times, her brilliant mind not quite comprehending what she was looking at. “How…?”

A lump formed in your throat, painful and hard to swallow past. Within seconds you were feeling every emotion possible, ranging from relief and happiness that The Doctor was here, and sadness, betrayal and hurt that she’d left you behind to fend for yourself - albeit poorly.

“I was only gone for-“

“Months.” Your voice was croaky, your throat strained and dry from the lack of water you’d been given by The Master. “You’ve been gone for months.”

The Doctor’s mouth flapped open and closed in confusion and shock, unable to find the right words to say at the news.

Time travel was tricky and almost never straight forward, even just a quick, seemingly easy trip would often result in landing in the completely wrong time and destination.

The TARDIS tried her best to get wherever The Doctor demanded to go, but time lords weren’t much good at being pilots and what good is a time machine without a decent driver? After all she was stolen, destroyed and tinkered with so often, she was hardly herself anymore and the steering was a little off now. Although she tried her best, sometimes she just couldn’t get it right and this time just so happened to be one of those unfortunate times.

From the hallway, the sound of The Master’s footsteps in his heavy boots echoed all the way into the room you’d been held captive in.

The Doctor looked towards to locked door and then back at you. Her first concern was to break you out of the chains round your ankles and take you back to safety in the TARDIS.

She pulled her sonic from her coat pocket and waved it over the locks, her brows furrowed in concentration. She mumbled to the sonic in her hand to work faster, The Master’s footsteps getting louder as he got closer to the room.

With a clang of metal on stone, the chains came loose and fell to the floor, releasing you from their previously unrelenting grip.

The Doctor scooped you up in her arms and turned, running back into the TARDIS as quickly as her legs could take her. She kicked a lever on the console as she ran past it, the time machine coming to life and beginning the process of her primary function, The Master’s yell of anger that you had gotten away was heard clearly through the halls.

You were hastily taken to the medbay, where you were carefully placed on a not-so-comfortable bed and stared at by The Doctor. You felt self conscious, laying there completely vulnerable and helpless, covered in cuts and bruises that would heal as scars to remind you of your torment.

Although she called herself the Doctor, she didn’t have much of a clue as to how to help you and your injuries. The TARDIS hummed her guidance, telepathically speaking to the timelord and instructing her on how to clean and dress your wounds.

Through the whimpers and muffled cries of pain behind your hand, you were glad that the suffering was finally over and you could now begin to relax in the safe company of The Doctor and her blue box.

-    -

You hadn’t said much since you had been rescued, your throat strained and your head pounding, but even if you had wanted to say something, The Doctor wouldn’t have allowed you to get a word in edgewise. She kept repeating herself over and over, saying she was sorry and trying to explain that sometimes timelines get confused and she ends up in the wrong times and places.

She exhausted her apologies, pleaded on her knees for you to forgive her, but of course you did. You’d forgive her for anything in a heartbeat and accidentally leaving you behind in the hands of a monster for months was no exception.

Warm soapy water ran over your shoulders and trickled down your arms, cleaning away the dirt and dried blood in it’s path.

The Doctor pushed the sponge back under the water you were sitting in for a moment until it had absorbed as much as it could, then brought it up to continue washing you.

Your bruised knees were tightly pressed against your chest, your chin resting on them, your arms wrapped around your legs. Despite the fact that you were totally naked in front of The Doctor for the first time ever, the atmosphere in the room was calm and you felt guarded and finally free from danger for the first time in months, and she didn’t mention anything about your nakedness, making you feel somewhat at ease.

Memories of the countless days you’d been under The Master’s control came flooding back in as soon as you let your guard down and the sob that ripped up your throat was unexpected, surprising both of you.

You cried helplessly in the tub, the water vibrating against you as your body shook. The Doctor moved your hair away from the back of your neck and planted soft kisses there in the hopes of bringing you comfort. You’d be lying if you said they didn’t, but that still didn’t cease the crying.

“I’m so sorry, really I am.”

You grabbed a hold of the hand that fell to your knee, gripping it tightly in yours almost as if it would keep you grounded somehow.

The Doctor wrapped her other arm around you, effectively holding you in an awkwardly positioned hug, dismissing the fact that you were wet and naked, and she was dry and fully clothed. She laid her head on top of yours and rocked you gently as you continued to sob deeply, just letting you do so for as long as you needed and being by your side the entire time.

-    -

You sat on your bed with your legs crossed, The Doctor in the same position right behind you.

After helping you get out the tub and assisting you in getting dried and dressed in the softest pyjamas you owned, she insisted on brushing your hair out for you. It had become a devastatingly tangled mess after months of not brushing it, but The Doctor combed through it gently and patiently, her eyes narrowed in concentration so as not to hurt you anymore than you already were.

You had finally managed to pull yourself together and stop crying, but now your eyes were puffy and your cheeks red, exhaustion rapidly overwhelming you.

“I’m tired.” Your voice was weak, but The Doctor heard you perfectly.

With a few final strokes of the brush, your hair was finally knot free and feeling like silk, something you didn’t ever think you’d come to appreciate so much until now.

The Doctor laid you down in your bed, covering you with the sheets up to your chin and smiled softly as she moved a few stray hairs away from your tired eyes.

“Get some sleep. I’ll be right in the other room if you need me for anything, just shout and I’ll be right here.”

You smiled back as best you could. It felt good to smile again, your chest filling with a warmth you hadn’t felt in a very long time.

Just as The Doctor stood to leave, you grabbed her hand and pulled her back. “Sleep over? Please?”

She nodded once and climbed into the bed with you, waiting to hold you tightly as you readjusted yourself to rest your head on her chest, your arms around her and hers around you.

“You’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again, I swear.” The vibration of her words rumbled in your ear. Her thumb stroked back and forth on your back, your muscles relaxing under it. “I’ll never leave you behind. I’ll keep you by my side always.”

“Promise?”

She held you even tighter and although your battered body ached at the affection, you forced yourself to keep quiet in fear of ruining the moment.

“I promise.”

[mauricemossed]

Rock Bottom

Pairing: Dr. Robotnik x Agent Stone Warnings: None Word Count: 1560 Summary:  Dr. Ivo Robotnik confronts his intense feelings for Agent Stone in a fit of raging passion. Author’s Note: When I went to see sonic the hedgehog in theaters for shits and giggles I didn't expect to be blessed with such a beautiful ship. I haven't properly written fanfiction in like three years and didn't think Robotnik and Agent Stone's thicc sexual tension would be what got me back into it. But, here we are. I present to you a modern classic. Full credit for the title goes to my amazing roommate. I rejoined Tumblr to post this, so, I hope you enjoy. ^-^ AO3

It was a feeling unlike any other, one that started out as a pesky touch, like an annoying piece of thread that brushed your side at the worst of times. It was easily overlooked, a forgotten thought that only sprouted in the rare moments when his scattered mind was idle.

Dr. Ivo Robotnik hated this feeling. It clasped his chest in a suffocating grip, and no matter what he did, no matter how much he tried to distract his saturated mind with sporadic projects, he could not escape it. It was maddening.

The mad doctor felt like he was losing the remnants of his sanity the more time he spent with his bodacious partner-in-crime. Every time he felt him by his side, gazed into his loving eyes, or played along with his wild antics, that feeling struck him once more, stronger than the last.

He was losing control with every waking second, unable to hold captive the biting affection he felt for the agent.

God, he hated this feeling. It made him feel weak, it made him feel vulnerable.

If he wasn’t careful, it would be the death of him.

I just have to distract myself, he thought. 

This tactic worked for a while, with the chase for the snarky blue menace. He was nearly at the heels of the rodent’s glaringly red shoes. This endless chase gave Robotnik a new sense of direction, towards something he wasn’t so afraid of. It took his stomached butterflies and turned them into bloodsucking mosquitoes. Once again, only his hatred powered his drive, and he was okay with it. 

But when Agent Stone entered the lab holding two lattes and a cheeky grin plastered on his face, Dr. Robotnik nearly split in two.

Snapped out of his dance routine and deep into the eyes of the ruthlessly pert agent, Robotnik could feel the burst of electricity shock his cold, dead heart back to life once more, and he responded the only way he knew how.

With aggression.

In a blind rage, Robotnik grabbed the collar of Agent Stone’s shirt and shoved him back into the wall, ignoring the fallen lattes as they spilled across the floor. He leaned in close, as if he were trying to stare into Stone’s soul, not breaking eye contact that made him want to melt.

Stark silence filled the room.

Agent Stone gulped as Robotnik stared, only a hair between them as the tension grew thick as lead.

“Everything okay, Doctor?” the agent inquired. A bead of sweat drizzled down his right temple. “Did you not want the latte?”

Robotnik’s fist clenched tighter. “N-no, I… I love the way you make them.”

“Oh.” A blush crept on Agent Stone’s face.

The doctor’s heart leapt. The pent up energy inside him was ready to explode, but on the outside, he was frozen. He didn’t know what to do. For once in his life, his thoughts weren’t running marathons. His mind was blank, for staring into Stone’s eyes were like gazing into the cosmos and he could not fathom such a menagerie of stars.

Agent Stone sensing the doctor’s anxiety, gently grabbed the wrist of his hand that was still clutching his shirt. Robotnik flinched. Somehow, he was brought back to reality.

“You’re shaking.” Agent Stone tightened his grip around Robotnik’s wrist.

Robotnik was confused. He couldn’t remember the last time he let someone touch him for this long.

Why didn’t I push his hand away? 

“I… I…” he stammered. 

“You can tell me anything, Ivo. You know that.”

I can’t tell you.

Robotnik mustered what little strength he had to try and force the words out. He had to expel this energy. He couldn’t stand it anymore.

Why can’t I tell you?

His voice remained trapped in his throat, his vocal chords itching to scream out of the abyss he was drowning in.

Shaken by a newfound wave of emotion, Robotnik shuddered and pushed himself forward until he found himself burying his face into Stone’s shoulder. He let go of Stone’s shirt, weakly pressing his hand flat against his chest. A shaky breath escaped his lips.

Robotnik hated this. All of it. He had never felt so vulnerable before.

But he could feel Stone’s heartbeat, and for a moment, that’s all that mattered.

He nearly fell to pieces when he felt Stone’s cool breath dance past his ear and down his neck.

Stone, shortly astonished by the doctor's sudden intimacy, snaked his arms around his waist and pulled him closer. Robotnik's breath hitched as he did.

"It's okay," Stone said. "You're okay."

Then why do I feel like I'm about to collapse in on myself?

Robotnik shook his head. He felt like a child, unable to speak, told hold himself upright.

They stood in their silent embrace for what felt like an eternity. As the moments passed by, Stone brought a comforting hand up Robotnik's back to rest on the crook of his neck. Robotnik nearly felt his knees give him. His steel walls were thinning away like old paper, and with that release of warm relief, he felt his body begin to unclench itself. And thus, everything began to spill out of the pit.

"I've never felt this way before," Robotnik mumbled into the fabric of Stone's shirt.

Stone hummed. "What?"

Robotnik lifted his head from Stone's shoulder, but averted his eyes from his. Stone let his hand drop back down to his waist.

"I said… I said I've never felt this way before… about anyone…"

Stone waited.

"I've tried to bury it for so long, this foreign feeling, and it was easier back then… back when it was only a speck… swept beneath the rug and forgotten…" He took a deep, shaky breath. He wanted to stop himself, from opening up, from exposing himself to the very person that made him feel the way he did, but he couldn't. The dam had been broken, and a raging river had been unleashed, a beast that could not be tamed. "But I've found that pushing it down… it only made it… not worse, but overwhelming. And I can't help but feel like…"

"Like you're about to explode?"

Robotnik met Stone's eyes, lost in awe.

"Yes," he said lightly.

Stone smiled and placed a gentle hand on Robotnik's cheek. He leaned forward until their foreheads were pressed together. "I feel that too."

Robotnik sighed. He could stay like this forever. He felt the world fade away in a blur. All he could see was Stone. His mind was quiet. For once, he felt peaceful. He felt like he was floating, and he did not want to come back down.

He held closer to Stone, afraid that if he let go, he would lose this forever and be thrown back into the abyss he was stuck in for so long, cold and numb.

“Is this… is this what love feels like?”

A twinge of sadness sparkled in Stone’s eyes. It was no surprise the doctor was a stranger to love, a victim of hate and aggression since he was a child. He had challenged his loneliness by building robots to keep him company, and robots very seldom good company accepting of affection. It's no wonder that he was allergic to it for so long, but meeting Agent Stone…

Meeting Agent Stone may have been the greatest thing to ever happen to him.

"Stone… I…."

Robotnik's voice was cut off when Stone suddenly leaned in and pressed his lips against his.

The doctor didn't know what to do at first. For the few seconds it lasted, he just let the new sensation of Stone’s lips on his sink in. They were soft and plump, exuding a warmth he could hold onto forever. He nearly whimpered when Stone quickly pulled his lips away.

Stone was flustered, his face red as ever. “I-I’m sorry, Doctor, I got too ahead of myself-”

“Do it again.”

The agent, still blushing, broke into his signature cheeky grin and per request leaned in once more to kiss the doctor’s waiting lips. Robotnik let out a satisfied hum and naturally rested his hands on Stone’s hips as Stone grabbed the lapels of his jacket to pull him closer, deepening the passionate kiss. It was like sparks burst around them in a firework display of their passion. Robotnik felt elated. All that pent up energy that drove him mad for millennia finally made sense. The kiss sent electricity surging through his veins, straight to his heart and striking him in the dome. It was such an addicting sensation, one he would remember until the end of time.

God, Robotnik loved this feeling.

When the kiss ended, they were both out of breath and giddy from the sudden act of passion.

Robotnik gazed into Stone's eyes once more, a maniacal smile on his face.

He was free.

Stone chuckled, "What are you thinking, Ivo?"

The mad doctor placed a soft hand on Stone's face. No amount of doubt could prevent him from what he said next.

"I love you."

Stone blushed, his cheeky grin turning into pure elation. "I love you, too."

Robotnik sighed in relief, a laugh emitting from his throat as he rested his forehead against his.

The world came back into being, but this time, Robotnik was not bothered.

He had finally found where he wanted to be.

[cutegirlmayra]

You know something occurred to me. I think in the Sonic game canon Sonic is nicer and more open to Amy post Lost World (not saying he was mean to her before or anything but he did push her away a lot when he probably didn't have to). This is probably because that was the first real instance in which he wasn't in time to save her. Amy died. Temporarily but she died and even did the "last words confessing my love." He definitely seems more comfortable with her and maybe near death calmed Amy down

Prompt:

They smiled at one another. It was a little weird.

As they both looked away, ducking their heads down slightly, they knew why they were personally acting this way... but it was a complete mystery why the other was doing the same.

Sonic took the initiative to change the subject, jumping down from the low-riding branch and walking over towards the open field while scratching his nose in the awkwardness.

“Fine day for a run, huh?” he was horrible at small-talk, and this effort just made Amy smile even more, but hid it with her gloved hand.

“It is a nice view.” she stared in a sweet wonder at him, and as though sensing her true meaning, he turned around to look back at her as well.

Again, the strange staring...

He kicked the ground a second, as though letting out some nerves as he scanned the ground again, opening his mouth as though to change the subject yet again, but squinted his eyes shut and fully faced away from her. He folded his arms, seeming to just look at the scenery and not comment back.

“You don’t have to do that, you know...” Amy placed her hands together, then dangled her feet from the branch, feeling her spines prickle a bit at the cold weather.

Her back was fully exposed, and so she hopped down, hoping to stand in the descending sunlight with Sonic.

She was still bubbly, but she also felt a bit like her giddiness had been restrained. She had a long... long day.

But it was exciting!... in all the wrong ways.

When Sonic only looked down, she noticed the small fall of his shoulders as well, and immediately wanted to lighten the mood.

If changing the subject helped him, she tried to look around for one. She reached out to him, but pulled back and put her arms behind her back, growing restless again, “Ohh! Look at all the butterflies!” she pointed to maybe two that were below them a ways, “Do you see them? Over here, over here!” she wiggled her arm towards them and then dashed back to grab Sonic’s arm. “I said..!” she started dragging him over, as he lost balance of himself and was forced to let her take him along.

“W-wah, Amy!”

“Here!” she pointed once again as enthusiastically as she had before.

The butterflies had left by then...

“Ohh...” Her face held her disappointment, but she quickly made sure her smile never shifted too much, “Let’s try and find them! With your speed, I’m sure we can find them again!” She held her fist up, encouragingly.

He smiled gently, nodding to her. “A butterfly chase it is then.”

She wasn’t expecting that.

Her eyes blinked a moment in amazement... “You... You’re eyes...” she stepped back a moment, as he looked her over in curiosity, wondering if he did something off or wrong.

She let his arm go, “They’re so caring... so sincere.” her eyebrows arched in worry, “I’m not used to you being so... Ah! Nevermind, nevermind! It’s probably just me! Don’t sweat it!” she shook her hands out, not wanting to make the situation worse.

Or at least... more awkward.

“Right! With the Blue Blur by my side, we’ll find those flowers in no time!” she struck a pose, as Sonic shook his head and silently chuckled to himself, swaying his body in a relaxing way up next to her.

He put his hands to his hips and tilted his head charmingly towards her, “I thought we were looking for butterflies?” he gave her an irresistible grin.

She blushed in her embarrassment, tapping her head lightly and losing her peppy pose. “R-right... guess I’m just feeling a bit ditzy today.”

“It’s not a bad thing.” Sonic walked on down the hill, “I wouldn’t mind a run after that nap.” He stretched a little bit more. “But while Tails and Knuckles took off a while ago, you stuck around... I can’t say I blame ya.” He first worked on his arms, then his legs, before bending all the way to touch his toes.

“Whoo!” he sprang up and spread his legs fully out, showing some flexibility in the air before running in spot on the ground. “Ready?” he looked jazzed, which calmed Amy’s fears down a bit.

Maybe they both had nerves... and maybe they were fighting things left unsaid...

She placed her hand warmly to her heart, feeling it race as fast as his feet.

“Sonic... I’d love to.”

Those words slowed Sonic’s fast, in-spot running and he looked down at the ground again, before slowly turning to look back at her, weakly showing a vulnerability she had only dreamed of seeing before.

“Sonic?” her body pushed her towards him, a few steps at a time, as though instinctual wanting to comfort him but not knowing why he had suddenly shifted to that low point again.

“...I would, too.” he finally stated, and smiled up at her again. “I’d like that very much.”

A flash of light burst from Amy’s heart at such a sweet response. It was full of endearment and honesty... there was not a trace of deception or of the typical boy ‘not revealing his feelings’ go-around.

It was straight and to the point.

His heart was talking, and Amy didn’t want it to shut up.

In a trance almost, she came back to reality and looked off of his face to see he had extended his hand to her.

“Shall we?” he tilted his head, invitingly.

Her mouth moved as if to speak, but only air escaped at a soft push... She took his hand, not sure what new emotions were coming over her.

But they were wonderful.

They felt amazing to experience as she took his hand and felt him pull her closer, hold her a split-second longer than he had ever before.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t held her before, but as his arm wrapped around her waist... she felt it.

That extra second of a tug, a small force.

Usually, he would just scoop her up and be off, but he was tenderly being cautious of each move... and her heart sang in it, but she tried to not spook him with it.

When she felt weightless, she honestly thought it was from the fluttering feelings, not from him caressing her up into his arms as though a princess he was attempting to comfort.

She hadn’t felt that presence from him in so long, mostly because they had known each other for years now... He didn’t seem to feel the need to keep up appearances so much, but he always did anyway for her.

A hero... was so much more than the mask he wore.

She could feel him swallow, and looked up from being awestruck at the way he was handling her and looked to see his eyes were on his hands, figuring out the best way to portion her in his arms as though wanting the trip to be just as light as she felt so now.

“...I really like this.” Amy turned worried, a sudden panic as she took his face in her hands, making sure he was looking at her now.

“H-huh?” He seemed pulled out of whatever anxious thoughts he must have been experiencing.

“It’s amazing, Sonic.” She giggled, cutely nodding her head and closing her eyes with the action. “I really, really appreciate this. It’s lovely.”

“...All I did was pick you up-” he paused in his delivery and then lowered his eyes at the trick he thought she was obviously making. He shook his head with a sigh and was about to race on.

“N-no! I mean it! Honest!” she realized he had mistaken her and let her hand drift away from his face.

His eyes met with hers again and she looked away, “I... I don’t know why you’re doing this... this way... but I don’t mind it. Not one bit.” she looked back and hoped he saw the truth in her words.

His expression turned gentle again, and he pulled up from being about ready to race off. “Amy... I got your message.” he finally stated.

Amy’s heart sank beneath a shallow puddle. Burning hot with the flashes of her death... that heated sensation of power draining from her very core... and the puddle not soothing her despair one bit.

She didn’t know where to look now, but couldn’t—no... wouldn’t see his eyes again.

“O-oh..? That silly thing? D-Don’t worry about it. It was wrong of me to leave that. I should have trusted you more, b-be-believed everything would be alright in the end. Crazy to think so much happened in such a small time frame, huh? H-he-hey! Those are the butterflies I saw!” as though fate would have it, the butterflies did return to the valley, but by this time, Sonic was already fixated on her... watching her try desperately to remain cheery and optimistic, trying to look passed the fact that she had sent, what appeared to be, her last words to him through that video message.

Her breath flinched in her throat, and in her anxiety, she continued to point at the butterflies, but forcing her words out only made her nerves more obvious. “D-... Do you see them now?” it was shaky, and her eyes were beginning to fill with water, but she refused to cry in front of Sonic.

He hated crying...

“Amy...” his voice would have undone her efforts if she didn’t shake her head and smile boldly to him.

“Em-mm, I’m fine! See! Full of life and vigor!” she swung her arms, but her voice hesitated on the one word she didn’t want to reflect on.

“...It’s in the past.” She quickly tried to cover up her blunder. “And like you say...” she gripped her dress, looking down and away from his empathetic eyes...

 “Don’t worry so much about what happened... just keep moving forward... right?”

He didn’t speak for a long while... and the butterflies flew and danced by the two as though they weren’t even there...

“Right.” he finally said, looking off of her as she dared to finally look up at him, her eyes pleading for him to be alright.

“Like a bad dream...” he looked up into the sky.

She waited a moment, wondering if the Sonic she knew would return to her...

He finally did, looking back at her with a typical smile of peace. “Well, since we found those butterflies, why not look for those flowers of yours too, while were at it?” he gave her a joking smirk and she batted his face away, not able to resist smiling too.

They took off as the butterflies tried to flap against the whiplash from the wind, and Amy held on tightly... glad that at the end of it all...

Sonic and her knew... that these moments were precious, and shouldn’t be so few in number.

[another-sonic-blog]

Stages: The Realization

Stages: Close Friends Pt.4: The Realization (Chapter 13)

ShadAmy (Friends to lovers Slow Burn)

2K400

Previous: https://another-sonic-blog.tumblr.com/post/190590004465/stages-nothing

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      A couple of days later, Team Dark had made their way back home. They had finished their mission earlier than they expected and they couldn't wait to get back home. Rouge didn't tell Amy that they were going back this soon. She preferred to give the pink one a surprise at the Resistance.

They arrived a day ago at night, and Rouge decided to wait until the next day to visit her pink best friend. It was 6:00 p.m and she was hoping that she and Amy could go for dinner together.    She arrived at the Resistance building and clicked the code number in the keypad so they could let her in. It was the same number since years ago and Amy had never chanced it.    Rouge walked through the corridors, she expected to see agents walking around but considering that it was a Saturday and few agents were remaining on the Resistance, she didn't give it too much thought. She finally reached Amy's dorm and knocked on her door. A few seconds passed and the pink one opened the door, a surprising look on her face and Rouge was happy to have accomplished this mission as well.

"Suprise-"    But Amy had also surprised Rouge. She noticed that Amy had scratches and band-aids on her face and even bruises on her arms.

"What happened to you?!"

"Wait, is Shadow back too?" Amy asked immediately.

"Yes, but tell me, what happened-"

"Sorry Rouge, I need to get to him right now." Amy added, "Do you mind closing the Resistance for me? Is he in his apartment?"

"Yeah, I am guessing. But tell me, what-" Rouge never got to finish her sentences as Amy was already out of her door.

"Sorry Rouge! I'll tell you everything when I get back!"

.

   Amy would have taken DR if it wasn't because Maria had stolen it ... again. The next day she arrived back home from Tail's house, she had found that her bike wasn't there, and because of that, she went to Shadow's apartment. Ready to fight again if that's what it took to get her bike back. When she got to Shadow's apartment, she found that his door was open and nothing was there. Shadow's luxury apartment was empty, nothing was left. She fought the urge of calling Shadow and telling him but the thought that he might mess up in his mission because of the news still hunted her mind.

So she decided to wait. She thought Rouge would tell her when Team Dark was planning to go back home. She was planning on telling him the bad news softly but instead, she was afraid now that Shadow had found it the hard way.

Shadow's apartment was on the other side of the city and with her running and bad transportation system, Amy made it to Shadow's apartment around 7:15 p.m.    The sun was already down and Amy breathed heavily as she finally spotted Shadow's apartment door open. She felt she could break at any moment, but she couldn't. She had to be strong for Shadow.    She opened the door more and it made a small creaking sound. Shadow was sitting in the middle of the empty living room. His fancy couch was no more, no TV, no lights, nothing. His apartment was completely empty. Amy wonders if Shadow knew by now that they had also stolen all of his bikes. Amy was glad that Shadow had taken his favorite bike with him, otherwise, Maria would have stolen it as well.

  His entire apartment was empty but Shadow had filled the living room with vodka bottles.    He was seated in the middle of the empty living room, staring at the wall. He had noticed Amy's presence and normally he would be ashamed of the state she found him in. However, he didn't care at the moment.

"I heard that drinking alcohol makes you forget," Shadow said, still not looking at Amy in the eyes. "But no matter how much I drink, I can't seem to forget a thing."

Being the ultimate life form, Shadow's body could detoxify his body faster. Even if he wanted to get drunk, his body would take down the effect really fast.

Amy felt her heart stop the moment she heard his voice. It had no hint of being sad, nor disappointed, nor angry. It was monotone and without emotion, almost dead like.    She didn't respond, mostly because she didn't know what to say. She got close to him trying to make him look at her. She sat down next to Shadow but he moved away at the closeness. As if he didn't want to be touched, as if he was afraid of contact.    Amy fought the tears of desperation, anger raised within her body, she had a tight grip on her fists and with determination, she placed herself in front of the hedgehog.

"She is not worth it," Amy said as she placed her hands on his shoulder.

"She was the only one who could ever love me," Shadow said, his eyes showed no glow, the intense fire he had within them had now disappeared. "I guess, I am not worthy of being loved."

Amy let a single teardrop fall from her right eye. She raised her voice, letting her thoughts be heard.

"I love you. I love the way you show kindness to people who don't deserve it. I love the way you care for me even when you know I can take care of myself. I love how excited you get for the simplest of things. I love how you wrinkle your nose every time you get annoyed."

  Amy took a big breath and added, "You are my friend and I love you, Shadow. You won't ever be able to understand how much you mean to me and others. If there was anyone in this world who is worthy of love ... It is you."

Shadow hadn't noticed but Amy had injuries all over her face and body. Her face had scratches that were barely closing, some bruises that were dominant mostly in her arms. Even so, Shadow found himself lost in the unique beauty Amy possed.

He was realizing too many things.

  There was a warm feeling rising up to his body and it made it's way to his heart. Amy was so sincere and vulnerable at that moment that Shadow's heart felt relieved. No one has ever been this open to him, no one has ever made him feel as loved as Amy had.

He waited for Maria to say things like that to him. He waited in vain, but now Amy was here. Saying things that came out of her mouth naturally because she actually felt it.

Amy loved him and even though it was the friendly type ... it is still meant the world him.

For you to love and to be loved back, it was a blessing indeed.

"I love you too," Shadow felt his voice crack. "You are the only friend I can trust ... So, please promise me. Promise you won't leave me."

Amy hugged Shadow as if she was protecting a lost child. She grabbed his face with both of her hands and whispered, "I promise."

  She placed her chin on top of Shadow's head giving him some sort of warm and Shadow placed his arms around her waist. They shared an intimate hug and after a few minutes, they separated.

"What happened to you?" Shadow said almost in a whisper.

Amy wasn't telling him, there was no way. "I fell off DR."

Shadow sighed once again, "Next time be more careful but I am glad you still have the bike."

Shadow noticed that Amy's face showed concern and asked, "You still have DR, right?"

Amy hesitated, she didn't know if lying to Shadow about the bike was a good idea. Mostly because he was eventually going to find out.

"She ... took it."

Shadow immediately stood up and headed towards the door.

"We need to find it," he said.

"Shadow, no, wait." Amy stopped him as she grabbed him by the arm. "It's not worth it."

"It is worth it, you gave me that bike. It's important to me-"

"I know it's important to you but please do this for me." Amy added, "Just let it go."

Shadow knew that there was more connotation to her words. She wasn't only asking him to let go of the bike, she was asking him of letting go of Maria, of his past.

If Shadow wanted to let go of Maria,  then he needed to grasp onto the future and right now, Amy is on his future.

Amy is his future.

"Fine." Shadow added, "But you need to do something for me."

.

 Amy hesitated as she watched Shadow turn on his favorite back, BB. He was ready to go, he was only waiting on Amy to join him.

"Are you coming?" Shadow asked.

"Are you sure?" Amy's voice trembled a little, "You don't let anyone ride BB and-"

"I am sure."

Amy gulped as she walked towards Shadow. She made a little jump as she mounted the bike, she made a pause as she was reluctant to hold Shadow by his torso.

But due that it was necessary, she wrapped her arms around his firm torso, her chest touching his back. She took a deep breath as she smelled Shadow's cologne. Maybe, after all, it really wasn't his cologne but his natural scent.

Shadow began to move when he felt Amy's firm grasp around him. They rode the bike on an empty bridge that was above the ocean. Shadow always came here to clear out his mind and when he didn't want to be stopped from enjoying the ride.

Many things were going through his head and confidently he told Amy, "I don't want to go back there... to my apartment."

Amy knew that Shadow wouldn't be able to live with the memories. Just like before, he had left the home he had gotten with Maria and now he had to leave his apartment.

"I have nowhere to go," Shadow added. He meant it as of today. Shadow had the money to rent another apartment, but it was going to be a bit difficult to find a place that would let him stay on the first floor. Maybe, he could stay at a hotel for a couple of days-

"Live with me."

Shadow felt his heart skip a beat as he heard Amy whispered into his ear.  Once again, that warm feeling he couldn't describe overtook him. He threw a small smile at the pink one, accepting her offer.

They stayed silent, they didn't need to say anything. Shadow had never let anyone ride BB with him. It was something he wished he had done with Maria, but someone else was already leaving that dream with her. Now, he had Amy, her delicate hands placed firmly around his torso. Her chest lightly pressed against his back and her head laid softly in his shoulders. The relaxing crash of the waves against the bridge, Amy's intoxicating perfume filling his nostrils and the warmth she shared with him.

It was everything he could have wished for and more.

Amy noticed Shadow sniffing now and then, she knew that he was containing himself from letting tears come out of his eyes.  Although they never did, the thought still ached her heart. She hugged Shadow tightly and closed her eyes at the realization.

She didn't know exactly when it happened, she couldn't recall an exact moment where these feelings for Shadow began to overtake her. Maybe it was gradual, she didn't feel this way for him immediately. However, he had constantly shown her sides of him that intrigued her.

Shadow could be cold, but he was kind. He may not show it, but he cares. He may be stubborn, but he listens. Amy found his little defects entertaining and adorable even. There was not a single sense in Shadow's persona that Amy didn't like.

When she was telling him that she loved him as a friend, she was lying.

She did love him.

But not as a friend.

Amy took one last look at Shadow, his eyes were concentrating on the road. She began to wonder that if she looked at him long enough he would realize.

If she looked at him with loving eyes, will her feeling reach him?

Amy didn't know the answer to that and for now, she didn't need it.

Her most important question was already answered the moment she heard Shadow said 'I love you' to her.

And although he meant it platonically, for her ... it meant the entire world.

It was everything she wanted and more.

Amy closed her eyes one more time, enjoying the feeling of this realization.  

She was in love with Shadow the Hedgehog.

. . . . . . .

A/N: First of all, I want to thank @lonelysadblob​  the artist who did the artwork above for letting me use it in this story! Thank you!

 I guess what I am trying to say with this chapter is that platonic love/ Friendship love is just as important and valid as romantic love. Now we are at the end of this arc and we are starting the final arc called 'Intimate Friends.' Amy has finally realized her feelings for Shadow but... What about Shadow? I guess we have to find out.

I want to thank everyone for reading this far and I hope this chapter was up to everyone's standards. It was sad but we ended in a beautiful note I believe.

Thank you.

Next: https://another-sonic-blog.tumblr.com/post/190713695345/stages-recovery

[howiexperiencemusic]

cat heaven

honestly i’ve loved a lot of albums in my life. i’ve been fixated on musicians, songs and albums until one day i just simply move on. so my obsession with cat heaven isn’t entirely unfounded; but this album in particular, i’m completely enamored. i love everything about it, every song means the world to me and i just can’t stop playing them all. i’ve had phases with every single song at different times, i’ve also had phases where i just loop the album as a whole or i can’t stop playing a three-song run in it. it all makes sense to me and it’s one of the few things that does. this isn’t a review or a reaction, this is a scattered recollection of everything i’ve been through and how cat heaven says it all. it’s messy and scattered in a million directions so don’t expect perfect grammar and phrasing.

i initially came across roy about a year or so ago being a fan of enya, and finding out he was her boyfriend. i had the music video for happy recommended to me on youtube and once i finally gave in and clicked it, i saw myself on the screen. of course i cannot relate to the nitty gritty details of the lyrics, they’re just so personal, but i found those same feelings in myself. i heard his voice say everything on his mind in a way that was familiar yet new. it made me long for what i once felt but only the idea of it all. the sound was expansive, it took me up into the sky at night and crash-landed me into raw earth. the sound was so specific to myself i couldn’t help but pay attention.

over the course of the last year, my life has changed entirely. everything i’ve ever known got upended and destroyed, with no chance of getting it back. i’ve had to learn how adaptable i truly am, and explore my ability to land on my feet when nobody is there to tell me how. i had lived life before that was difficult but manageable. i had a life that wasn’t without challenge, but didn’t necessarily have a lot at risk. however, over the course of the year i had my home, my relationships, my finances, my life as i knew it, uprooted. and there was nothing i could have done and nothing i could do to ever get it back.

now, all that to say this album has been my soundtrack for it all. it would be disingenuous to say it was the only thing i listened to the entire time. of course, i listened to other artists throughout this time and found other things to obsess over (posts for those forthcoming), but this album was the definitive supreme over it all. when i look back at my twentieth trip around the sun, i will forever hear cat heaven being the soundtrack to it all. and for that, it has entered into the upper echelon of albums defining my life. and i am so appreciative of it. there isn’t a moment on this album that isn’t special to me in some way, whether it’s the quiet part during the bridge of thunder, the fuzzy awakening of grow up,or the triumph of hazel, a bittersweet anthem. it’s his searing honesty in the face of a world that had wronged him. he told his story regardless of who wanted to listen and it gives me chills to even think about how powerful that is.

when i say i’ve had a phase with every song here, i mean every. single. song. grow up is the perfect opener, it starts the album and every day when i wake up and press play, it begins my day in the same way. that song will forever be special to me because in a lot of ways it represents me waking up in a brand new life i can’t escape.

alex comes in like an energetic jolt of lightning. he quite literally says “i’m gonna lose my mind tonight, no one in the world is gonna stop me” it’s so empowered and positive, he doesn’t just promise to enjoy himself regardless, he threatens it. this song for me fills me with so much happiness it single-handedly got me out of bed and ready some days because it fueled me. alex is the song i want people to know if they want to get to know me.

family simmers at first, it’s lowkey and you almost miss it. he’s quiet and it’s ominous. he says “pain keeps growing taking over my life, i don’t really care it’s been like this for a long time” and you almost believe he doesn’t care until you hear the chorus and you hear how pissed he is. the chorus looks you in the eyes while it openly bleeds. this song was all i could hear during the darkest times in 2019. so many things wronged me this year. when i let the anger encompass me, i found solace in knowing someone else had my same fury.

perfume is the sugary delicacy i can’t stop eating. when i was streaming this song with my sister one time, she asked me “when he says ‘everything i do is for you’ who do you think of? since you’ve never been in love.” it was a read for sure and i laughed when she said it. but i told her that for me, when i hear him say that to someone, i think about how much nerve it takes to say that to someone, and how much courage i would need to ever put it into a song and i’m blown away. sometimes love songs are even more vulnerable than they appear on the surface. i aspire to love somebody so hard i forget the fear of expressing emotions. and when i hear that i don’t think of a boy, i think of a concept i may one day attain. it’s beautiful and pure.

thunder had to grow on me. thunder doesn’t go out of it’s way to be in your face like perfume or alex. it makes you wait for all of the best parts of it and it takes it’s time getting there. every second is pure quality and it’s perfect. he gives you time to think about everything he says and it’s important you do because he says it so perfectly. but once i heard it the way i needed to, i now regard it as one of my favorites on the entire album. it’s s u c h a good song and i am still in awe he had the emotional maturity to create it. it’s the perfect song to stare at the stars and listen to and if you haven’t done that yet, get on it!

jane is my current favorite on the album. it’s my most recent fixation and i listen to it for hours on end sometimes and just savor every second. the drums are so vocal and the guitar communicates such a specific feeling i can’t put it into words. the part that sits in my soul the most is when he says “the best thing about not having you around, i can finally be myself, think out loud. and the trees tall since i always look down.” it’s quietly bittersweet. it refuses to let you be completely happy or sad it just forces you to hear it for what it is. and the outro is just pure perfection it sets the scene for what’s to come and helps the album feel the way it does.

kansas is special to me because in the last year i’ve driven across the us twice and that songs feels e x a c t l y like middle america when you’re driving through it. there’s so many miles of nothingness and it’s lonely and beautiful all at the same time. the night sky is clear when you look up at it and there’s no noise. just miles of plains and you wonder how people live there. how people have to live in a town with 20 people in it. when you see a random house in the middle of nowhere and it looks abandoned and you just have to wonder what happened. so much wondering while wandering and kansas is the perfect song for it.

september is like a kindling of a smile on my face. it wraps me up in the feeling of home. home for me is no longer a place and now all i can do is hope that the feeling of home returns to me one day. when i listen to that song one day i hope i can mean what i feel. it’s slow-going and it has nowhere it needs to be other than right here. and all that to say it isn’t a happy song. it’s sad but resigned. and that’s exactly where i’m at too.

switchblade defines my time living in a place i wasn’t happy in. when i lived in that place i felt such anger at the world and i needed everyone who lived there to know i didn’t like them. roy spits out these words with such venom you know he still feels that same rage he felt from living there and i know it exactly. when he says “you don’t mean shit to me” i have vivid memories of me in the car yelling that to the world with him. it killed my throat to yell like that but it felt good. it matched the fury burning in me over an unfair world humbling me again. it’s so excellent.

in a broken world where everything turns it’s back on you, grand theft auto reminds you what’s important. he describes a series of things in his life that are broken or ineffective and doesn’t care because “you’re all i’ve got” he’s found his peace despite the fact that life isn’t what he wanted it to be. it’s wisdom.

california is everything to me. this year i left california and moved so far away. it was a circumstance completely out of my control. to hear this ballad about leaving california it means something completely different to me than it does to him. it makes me cry and miss california. “the sun rules on but the leaves got a hole in the center.” he says we need to slow it down. the song is sonically gorgeous but being born and raised in california, i know it’s my speed. the most bittersweet part of it all is that even if i were to return, it would never be the same.

hazel is also one of my absolute favorites on the whole album. it’s just the perfect ending. i’ll never forget my last month living in the place i hated. i listened to this song the whole month. it was a beacon of hope that i knew i was leaving behind the last person i had to cling to in life. it played when i left and i chose to put myself first for the first time in my life. while i still haven’t recovered from that, this song helps me so much in seeing how beautiful life is. it reminds me to look at myself and my choices and love who i am. even if i don’t think i deserve such reverence. “nights in the rv, i won’t remember, rides in your car seat i won’t forget” is just the most perfect line. “the times where i thought it was love, were just peaks. a mountain a month between terrible weeks.” chills. lyrically and sonically he pulls out the stops and it’s stark and stunning. even the part that says “just stay forever,” like he knows it’s impossible but it’s still what he wants. if my life were a movie, the moment i died this would be the first song in the credits. the end is once again immaculate. he closes the album with an audio clip and the last thing you hear is a door closing, when you know the ride you just went on this whole album is over. but before that he winds down and it gives you time to breathe and take in everything he just took you through. you can’t make out the sounds in the closing portion, you hear voices but it’s almost like they’re coming from down the hallway and you’re speeding through your life too fast to focus on just one sound. you hear everything. there’s an overwhelming comforting loneliness. and that’s where he leaves us off at.

this is not a review, this isn’t supposed to make sense. it’s scattered and raw and my stream of consciousness while hearing the album i’ve listened to more than anything else. to an album that understands when i find out once again life isn’t fair and doesn’t owe me anything. there are few things in life that can get me to shut the fuck up and just listen. music has the capacity to do that for me but when it can make me cry just by hearing it, when it narrates my life, there is something special about it. i am so appreciative it came to me in this time and i am even more appreciative of the fact that i got through some really hard times with this comforting me. i can only speak for myself but if i’m the only person on this earth who loves this album like this that makes it worth it. and one day i hope i can make something so powerful.

cat heaven forever

[dustedmagazine]

Dust Volume 5, Number 9

Tropical Fuck Storm

Just like that, summer’s over and we face a growing pile of late 2019 records. But before that, before we drag ourselves like kids to school into the second half, a moment to appreciate what’s accumulated.  This month’s Dust touches on groovy jazz tuba, punishing hardcore, a bracing industrial reissue, altered percussion and an OG Tuareg guitarist.  Contributors this time around include Isaac Olson, Ian Mathers, Jennifer Kelly, Jonathan Shaw, Bill Meyer and Andrew Forell.  

Joseph Allred — O Meadowlark (Feeding Tube) 

O, Meadowlark by Joseph Allred

 Plenty of people get the tag American Primitive Guitarist stuck on their rump these days. It’s not always appropriate and it’s not always welcome, but it adheres to Joseph Allred with the fastness of the truth.  Allred, a Tennessean who currently pursues higher learning at Boston College, understands that whether you use mountain music or raga-derived form as your framework (and he uses a bit of both, alternating between skeletal banjo figures and rushing guitar fantasias), the music has to project something beyond the notes. O Meadowlark not only evokes a cascade of emotions, some explicit and others allowed and bent until they’re beyond name, but he exerts an opposite pull. Like Robbie Basho or Steffen Basho Junghans, he draws the listener through the sound hole and into the tones and overtones that carom about the insides of his guitar.  Climb inside; like a Tardis, it has room for all.

Bill Meyer 

Caterina Barbieri — Ecstatic Computation (Editions Mego)

Ecstatic Computation by Caterina Barbieri

The title of Caterina Barbieri’s third LP suggests a congress of emotional states and cognitive processes; total neural action, you might say. The sound of the thing suggests another, maybe more personal integration. She favors massive, echo-haloed electronic sounds, the sort that would set off all manner of madness in the disco if only she’d subordinate them to a sufficiently clubby beat. But instead she juxtaposes them with wordless female vocals (not her own) and switched-on harpsichord sounds which lock together with a structural logic that probably comes natural to a person who grew up studying classical guitar. And while the sounds promise abandon, the way they lock together requires submission to a Bach-like allegiance to order. Promise delivered.

Bill Meyer

Theon Cross — Fyah (Gearbox Records)

Fyah by Theon Cross

Tuba player Theon Cross was the secret weapon of last year’s excellent Your Queen is a Reptile, by The Sons of Kemet. Fyah is Cross’s debut as a band leader, and  if the melodies occasionally sag, Cross and company generate more than enough energy to keep you, if not intently listening, grooving. Like many in the London jazz scene, Cross has no qualms about pulling in sounds from everywhere, and while not every experiment works (the synths and trap beats on “Panda Village” don’t add much), it keeps Fyah feeling fleet and admirably populist. Cross’s commitment to bring the tuba back to our attention and good graces is admirable, and he’s certainly the right guy for the job, but for better or for worse, he suffers the fate of all lower register players: disappearing when played back at anything less than high volume. As such, the real MVP on Fyah is tenor saxophonist and fellow London hotshot, Nubya Garcia. Fyah is a good record. It gets better the louder you play it.

Isaac Olson

 Drugs of Faith — Decay (Selfmadegod Records)

Drugs of Faith have been making records like Decay, their new EP, for quite a while now. The record is full of crossover hardcore that pushes on the pressure points of crust and sludge. It’s grimy, gritty, sweaty stuff and it’s really good. The focused truculence of a song like “Anonymity” sharpens rather than overwhelms the tune’s tendencies toward melody, and what a frigging breakdown. The whole 7” — all ten minutes of it — is terrifically punishing. Or maybe it’s punishingly terrific. Whatever it is, it goes by quick. But that’s cool, you’ll just flip it and play it again. And like a live hardcore set, music this intense is best enjoyed in small, gut-thumping doses. Toward the end of the excellent track “Nihilists,” singer Richard Johnson (who also plays guitar) growls, “If I go down, I’m taking you all with me.” Sure sounds like he means it.

Jonathan Shaw

Help — Help (Self Released)

Help by Help

One advantage to keeping songs short and lyrics anthemic is that you can throw a whole lot of sludge into the works and still end up with tunes that folks will remember the next day. Portland noise-punk band does this six times on their quite good debut EP, Help. No surprises here, just grimy, coruscating punk that sounds amazing when you’re reading the latest update on our slide into oligarchy/kleptocracy/kakistocracy/planet death/what have you. Best of all is their theme song, which softens up a traditionally macho genre with some very welcome, very 2019 vulnerability (Complete lyrics: “Help!/I fucking need it!/You know I’ve battled but it’s all I can take!”) and the closer, “Class War Now” which is about… well, you know.

Isaac Olson

 HTRK – Nostalgia (Fire Records)

Nostalgia is the self-released 2004 debut EP by Australian experimental trio HTRK (Hate Rock Trio). Nigel Yang (guitar, programming, electronics), Jonnine Standish (voice, percussion, samples) and Sean Stewart (bass, programming, samples) produce seven tracks of heavy, noise intensive electronica with echoes of Throbbing Gristle, Pan Sonic and Suicide. Physically and psychically crushing, the tracks move at a funereal pace with waves of static and feedback crashing against bottom end bass, percussion and drum machines as Standish’s voice intones from a cave, a cross between Lydia Lunch and Alan Vega. Instrumental opener “Hate Rock Trio” begins quietly with the ticking of a clock, a time bomb with crashes of distorted percussion. Thereafter the song titles tell the story of the EP. Run together they form both a record of, and a demand to acknowledge, damage inflicted: “Look What’s Been Done/Look Down the Line/Look At That Girl/Look At Her/You Injured Me/I’m All Broke Up.” The intensity builds with each track as feedback and samples scratch atop thickening layers of black sludge. Re-released by Fire Records, Nostalgia is a bracing experience with a palpable sense of menace.

Andrew Forell

 Max Jaffe — Giant Beat (Ramp Local)

Giant Beat by Max Jaffe

If a curious listener was told Max Jaffe only used one instrument to make Giant Beat, they’d be forgiven for guessing something like a modular synth. Instead, it’s drums, but in a way that makes the question maybe a little bit of a cheat; Jaffe, drummer for JOBS, Elder Ones and others, was also a beta tester for something called Sensory Percussion that allows percussionists to use their instruments to trigger sounds and samples in a way that feels analogous to the chromatic, sometimes abrasive playing Ian Crause and Disco Inferno did with sampling. Of course, with a drum kit and that kind of setup, Jaffe can generate a whole album just by himself in a different way than you might get with, say, a singer and an acoustic guitar. Giant Beat dips its toes into various experimental waters, jazz here, electronics there, noise and musique concrete there, but always with the steady pulse of Jaffe’s one-take percussive playing behind it. The result feels like anything but a product demo; if anything, it feels like a new type of voice articulating itself.  

Ian Mathers  

Ocean Fanfare — First Nature (Barefoot)

First Nature by Ocean Fanfare

Whether you take the words First Nature as a prescription of priorities or a stern reminder of who is best equipped to play the long game in the battle between humankind and its environment, this is a record with a message. But since that message is being relayed via horns, bass, and drums, which play melodies that wind and ascend, one must exercise one’s emotional antennae to decode the vibe. Both trumpeter Tomsz Dabrowski and alto saxophonist Sven Dam Meinild are equally facile with post-bop tunes and extended technique explorations, and the shuttles between these poles gives the music a questing quality. They’re methodically seeking, not giving up hope, and the inventive ways they maintain balance on the fly suggests that they’re conscious of what tools will come in handy if people are going to survive.

Bill Meyer

 Abdallah Ag Oumbadougou — Anou Malane (Sahel Sounds)

Anou Malane by Abdallah Ag Oumbadougou

One of the original Tuareg guitar heroes, Abdallah Oumbadougou recorded these dreaming, droning, melancholic-with-a-swagger tunes in Benin in 1995 with the West African producer Nel Oliver. It was a step up for Oumbadougou, who had previously recorded mostly on boom boxes in encampments during breaks in the Tuareg rebellion, but the songs, even embellished with electronics and studio effects, have a raw, lonely power to them.  “Thingalene” drifts towards funky pop in its syncopated drum machines and squealing synths, but Oumbadougou’s voice carries over time and distance with a bracing authenticity. Other tracks, like “Tenere” splice the echoing snap of gate-reverbed drums to a beat that sways like camel caravans; the guitar work here is particularly fine. On its original release, Anou Malane introduced the world to the Tuareg’s keening, ambling desert blues; now it reminds us that artists like Tinariwen and Terekaft and Mdou Moctar are interpreting and extending — not inventing — a vibrant art form.

Jennifer Kelly

Savage Republic  —Gods  & Guns (Mobilization)

Savage Republic doesn’t pack the band schedule very tightly nowadays. The band, currently a quartet (Thom Fuhrmann, Ethan Port, Alan Waddington, Kerry Dowling), took the whole of the 1990s off and has made just two albums in this century. But when they do make a record, it hits hard. In days gone by they sounded like Rhys Chatham fronting the Ventures on an album of Aegean surfer themes, but now they sound just a bit like Michael Gira fronting Echo & the Bunnymen in some Bladerunner-like hell of a dark hole. “God & Guns,” sung in dire and reverb-swaddled tones by Fuhrmann, articulates understandable dismay at the twin lumps of stinky meat that are being held in front of the vast heard of fascism-embracing Americans. The instrumental on the flip is named “Tranquilo,” but you won’t rest while they’re charging you, driven by chain-gang shouts, oil drum lashes, and epically massive bass. Heavy shit for heavy times.

Bill Meyer

Sleeping Ancient — There Is No Truth But Death (Viridian Flame)

There Is No Truth But Death by Sleeping Ancient

In any number of ways, black metal and the horror fiction of H.P. Lovecraft are a good match. The overweening interest in darkness and unnamably horrific, indecipherably complex forms; the highly abstruse mysticism; the tinge of troubling racism and anti-Semitism — it’s sort of uncanny. Sleeping Ancient aren’t the first black metal band to express a deep appreciation for Lovecraft’s weird fictions. Heck, they probably aren’t even the tenth or the fiftieth. But if they’re not breaking any new ground, thematically or musically, at least they’re making good songs. Check out the grand dirge of “Akeru,” or the slow but assured drift, from frigidly delicate melody to batshit intensity, that forms “Taphephobic Hallucinations” (taphephobia, by the way, is crippling fear of the grave—not death so much as the gravesite itself). The songs are typical of Sleeping Ancient’s mannered but powerful playing, which the band sustains across the whole of There Is No Truth But Death. It’s a good record to play as we wait for Cthulu. Judging by current conditions, we won’t have long to wait.

Jonathan Shaw

 Sore Points — Not Alright (Slovenly)

SORE POINTS "Not Alright" EP by Sore Points

If you miss the Marked Men, how ‘bout some hard, fast punk rock from Vancouver? This four-song 7 inch, following a 2018 self-titled on Deranged, snarls and stomps with feverish fury, making the most of its double drummed, guitar stabbed, bass whomped basics. You’d infer a few battered Ramones records in the rec room, but also punks both harder core and more melodic—Black Flag on one end and the Buzzcocks on the other. “Not Alright” rampages at blur speed. The drummer, whoever he is (Sore Points are not big on self-promotion), gets a monster workout here, but really everybody is pushing about as hard as it goes. “Not Coming Back,” is likewise accelerated, but in an anthemic, memorable way. As a non-professional, you’d kill yourself trying to keep up playing these songs, but you can sing along, no problem, after just one or two spins.

Jennifer Kelly

 Tropical Fuck Storm — Braindrops (Joyful Noise)

Braindrops by Tropical Fuck Storm

“Braindrops,” the title track from this second Tropical Fuck Storm album, slinks and rattles and backpedals, its rhythm complicated and syncopated, its stream-of-consciousness lyrics about dreams and waking (“But you gotta get up because time is nagging like a dog humping your leg”) as tangled as the polyrhythmic beat. There’s a slant of ska in the bass, a dissolute hint of post-punk in the cracked vocals and a baroque inclination to stuff things to the gills in the overload of just about everything. Tropical Fuck Storm tilts recognizable forms so far over that they always seem to be careening into chaos. A hip friendly bump of bass and drums is just a landing pad for guitar noises that crash, still burning, to the ground. Even the ballads (“Paradise” both “Marias”) teem with noise and dissonance. Braindrops is never an easy listen. It verges, fairly often, on the unpleasant. But in a world where everything spins down to a grey Spotified entropy, it’s a prickly, fascinating, mess of bright colored wires; go ahead cut one and see if it explodes.

Jennifer Kelly

 Various Artists — Greys (Anachronisme)

Greys by Field Guides

In this day and age, if one even wanted to put together a new “We Are the World,” where would one start? Leverage Models’ return to music last year with the phenomenal Whites was partly so that previously-shelved record could raise money for the Southern Poverty Law Center, and here the band and Anachronisme Records are at it again. Raising money for the Mohawk Valley Resource Center for Refugees this time, instead of trying to rope everyone they know into one big aesthetically-dubious singalong, they’ve put together with any number of friends a smorgasbord of 21 tracks all somehow ‘in conversation’ with the music on Whites. There are plenty of intriguing covers, remixes, and other deconstructions, from Field Guides’ glowing, pastoral version of “If I Let You Stay” to the menacing buzz of DOV’s remix of “Dark Pools,” to Concierge Records and The Working Elite’s “transatlantic meditation” on the feeling of the first song on Whites with “Day Two,” as well as two unreleased tracks from Leverage Models. Then there are the contributions that just engage with the emotions and stories of the original album, like Courtship Ritual’s haunting “Uncle Incision” and William Tyler’s gorgeous “She Swims in Hidden Water.” There’s a lot here to absorb, but even if you’re not familiar with the source material it all stands on its own, even as it’s still one of the most intriguing expansions of an album in recent memory. Not to mention hopefully a more effective way to help a good cause.

Ian Mathers

 avery r. young—Tubman (FPE)

tubman. by avery r. young

avery r. young brings the sizzle in this paean to African-American musical traditions from skanky funk to body-moving R&B to soul-on-fire gospel, complete with a full choir. The multi-talented Chicagoan took inspiration from his own book—Neckbone: Visual Verses—from Nina Simone and from the singer Jamila Woods, whose superlative pipes provide the uplift of many of these cuts. “Maasai” slouches so far into a smouldery blacksploitation groove as to be nearly horizontal, all evil wah-wah’d twitch and rumbling bass and slashing lightning bolts of disco strings, while “go'head mary & weep” takes things to the church with a massive harmonized swell. young himself has a fine, fluttery, emotionally nimble tenor, shades of the Reverend Al Green in his supple phrasing, but his songs take flight when they’re sung by a crowd, as on the spiritually stirring “lead in da wattah” and especially, the monster highlight “get to know a nina simone song” which rolls on like a doo-wopping, gospel-quarteting freight train right on to Mississippi. God damn, indeed.  

[starunicornmoon]

Serendipity

'Love is friendship set on fire.'

Serendipity

Sonic the Hedgehog approached Amy Rose's house with the same neck breaking speed with which he goes everywhere. He stopped just short of falling through her open front door, grabbing on to the doorframe to uncharacteristically steady himself. His mind had been wandering while he was running and he wasn't expecting her door to be open when he arrived. The smell of fresh paint wafting from the house cleared his head though as he stepped inside without being invited and caught sight of his friend in cut off denim shorts, her tank top somehow streaked with paint along her back, her quills up in a haphazard ponytail.

She looked adorable and Sonic grinned as he tiptoed up to the pink hedgehog humming to herself while she rolled a paint brush across her lounge wall.

"Hello, Sonic," Amy Rose greeted him without turning around or stopping in her painting.

Sonic huffed as he stopped trying to Ninja his way to surprising Amy and casually went to stand beside her, admiring her handiwork thus far.

"Decorating again?" he asked pointedly, as it seemed that at least three times a year Amy got the bug for painting a new room. He was sure the lounge was still relatively new. "What's eating away at you this time?" Sonic turned his full attention on Amy, his mouth twitching at the cream paint spread across one cheek and smeared under her bangs. He waited for her to meet his gaze that she was avoiding as best she could.

Sonic knew that if she was pulling out the painting clothes, rollers and colour chart then something was gnawing away at his friend. Her restless energy being converted into her redecorating and 'revamping' her life as she has put it each time. He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for her to look at him. His foot started tapping impatiently, a habit that has still stuck with him as he's grown up. His patience getting slightly better - just a touch - over the years. When Amy looked down at his foot and arched a brow at his tick she shook her head.

"I don't want to talk about it," she simply replied, turning back to her wall and cocking her head to the side to admire her mind numbing work.

Sonic frowned and wondered if it was worth pushing her to open up about what was bugging her. Another change and proof of his maturity, the fact he wasn't running out the door, but rather actively thinking about talking about emotions and stuff. With Amy Rose no less. But you see their friendship has changed a lot over the years. As have the two hedgehogs. There wasn't a defining moment that caused it, or an open conversation of feelings and thoughts. Just a simple passage of time that helped their friendship mature along with their personalities, into a deep respect and understanding for them both.

Sonic would even go so far as to class Amy as close a best friend as Tails.

Not something he would have thought would ever happen when he was fifteen.

Deciding to not push her on whatever was upsetting her, Sonic uncrossed his arms and nodded, respecting her want of privacy and knowing that if she did want to talk about it then she would come to him if and when she is ready. "Want some help?" he offered instead, bending to pick up a spare roller and liberally coating it in fresh paint. He looked up at Amy with a wicked grin and twinkle in his eye.

"Oh no," Amy panicked, taking a hesitant step back. "Oh no, put it down! No, no, NO!" Amy cried as she turned tail and ran from Sonic who charged her with the roller dripping with paint. Thankfully Amy had the foresight to cover everything in old sheets, including covering the floor, in the hopes that she would make minimal mess in her distracted cleaning state. She hadn't factored in a humorous Sonic and his need to cheer her up by the most messy way possible.

She tried to dodge out of the way of his attack but felt it impact her shoulder as she spun around -

And came face to face with a roller.

Gasping she blinked past her shock, noting the very pleased grin stretched across Sonic's muzzle as admired his handy work. "You missed a bit," he shrugged, swivelling the roller around in his hand carelessly, flickering paint in an arc in the process. The growl coming from Amy stopped him though as he in turn took a shaky step back. "Ugh, Ames, what are you doing?" he quivered, putting his roller back up like a guard.

Who was he kidding though? This woman knew exactly how to get him, she spent enough time chasing him in her early teens.

Amy dived at him without hesitation, anticipating his next manoeuvre and meeting him halfway with her roller streaking through his quills and running down his back. Sonic halted instantly, his shoulders tensing under the attack. When he looked up at Amy she wore an equally cocky grin as she planted a paint covered hand on her hip and winked at him. Clearly she's been spending too much time with me, Sonic thought to himself with only a touch of pride.

"Oh yeah," Sonic murmured darkly. "It's on now!"

Amy only had a second to squeak before the true battle started between them. For the next ten minutes they ducked and dived from each other as they dipped their rollers quickly and tried to smother each other in as much paint as possible. Coating much of the sheet covered furniture as they jumped over it, hiding and attacking. They laughed, growled and howled as they got shots at each other. Amy held her own really well against Sonic who cheated a couple of times, using his speed to his advantage. But by the end they were both pretty well covered and out of breath as they bent over, leaning on their knees to recover.

"Thanks, Sonic," Amy finally spoke once she could breath properly.

Sonic didn't have to ask what for, he already knew by the way her tone softened and her eyes sparkled slightly as she looked at him. Without hesitation Sonic stepped forward and wrapped an arm around her to pull her in for a hug. He planted a firm familiar kiss to the top of her head and said, "Anytime."

They stayed in that familiar embrace for a few more moments before Amy pulled away, smiling again in gratitude. As she turned away to look back at the wall she'd been interrupted painting, she willed her heart to slow down as she ignored the heat still searing her back where Sonic held her. Years of being really great friends with the blue blur and Amy still got the same tingles and heart racing thrill from him. Now it's such a normal feeling that she barely notices it sometimes. But times like now, when she was feeling a touch more vulnerable than normal and it became a little harder to ignore.

"Are you staying?" she asked Sonic as she rolled her brush in more paint and got back to the job in hand, already wishing it was done so she could go shower the paint out of her quills.

"I've got no where else to be," Sonic replied, getting stuck in to the paint with more eagerness than Amy expected. Smiling, happy to have the company, they worked side by side like that without hesitation and in a comfortable and easy silence. Both lost to their own thoughts as they rolled and rolled until they got the rest of the room finished in half the time it would have taken for Amy to do it alone. That was something Sonic cherished the most about his friendship with Amy - the silence. She didn't expect him to fill the void with mindless chatter, she just let him come and go as he pleased and didn't ask anything of him.

He felt the guilt and niggle of sadness that he hadn't realised she was as happy for silence and peace as he was back when they were younger.

They stopped as they met at the final wall and stood back, side by side and looked at their work. It was plain, just a generic cream that covered all of the walls. But Sonic knew it wouldn't take Amy long to brighten it with accessories, artwork and flowers. Interior design is what she's good at after-all. Even if she has never quite figured out what her own home style is yet.

They dropped their rollers and collapsed down onto the covered couch, their bodies pressed up against each other.

Sonic threw a casual arm across Amy's shoulders and she leaned her head down on his shoulder companionably. "You know Tails could have made you something that would have painted this room in no time." Sonic mentioned, his hand waving lazily in the air to gesture the room around them. He felt Amy shrug against him and mutter something unintelligible. Sonic nodded and sank more into the couch. "I know," he simply replied, unaware of how grateful Amy was that he just got it. Got her and understood what she was saying, without her having to say a word. It was a relief to be able to just shut down around him and not have it be questioned.

They sat there for a while, resting their aching hands and bodies. Before long though Amy heard Sonic's stomach rumble with hunger.

Laughing she didn't hesitate to get up from her spot on the couch, missing his warmth instantly, as she made her way to her kitchen. "Chilli dogs OK with you?" she smirked as she glanced over her shoulder catching Sonic's dopey happy reaction as he stretched out on the couch and winked at her.

"You sure know how to treat a guy." he grinned, rubbing his belly with anticipation.

Laughing Amy turned away and walked into the kitchen, this same song and dance between them so regular and familiar, she didn't even stop to think about what to do next. Her body and mind going into auto-pilot as she imagined the blissful hot shower that would come once lunch was finished. She didn't question whether Sonic would still be there when she walked back into the living room or if his staying to help her and having lunch meant anything more than a friend helping another friend out.

She just felt grateful to have him in her life at all, in whatever way she could get him.

----------

A/N: I needed to get this idea out of my head. It'll be a multiple chapter story, hopefully I can do them justice. Thanks for reading. X

[1dreality]

Zayn Malik was never the celebrity you thought he was. If it wasn’t already obvious from his detached, often melancholic interviews in the wake of his 2015 departure from One Direction, it will be from the title of his second solo album. The very elongated 27-track Icarus Falls is comprised of more of the sparse R&B that Malik has perfected since his first release Mind of Mine in 2016, but like its titular myth is also indebted to themes of incredible ascent and crushing decline.

A decline not of Malik’s career, it should be said, but rather of his own mental health, the album serving as both an intimate meditation on Malik’s life so far and a dire warning about the trauma of instant fame. It all leads to one obvious question: Is Zayn OK?

In an age of millennial openness and Instagram confessionals, Malik remains something of an outlier: an enormously famous and highly visible celebrity, but one whose ambiguity allows us to project much onto him. In our collective consciousness, he has been the 1D-fleeing villain, smoking cigarettes, being mean to his bandmates on Twitter and looking miserable as well as the “soft boy” pin-up, a vulnerable figure in desperate need of a hug.

Much of that ambiguity is intentional. Along with declining to tour Mind of Mine, Malik is often press-shy, choosing not to take part in TV sit-downs or play the social media game in an era in which somebody like Ariana Grande spends much of the waking day interacting with her fans on Twitter and Instagram.

And while Malik has been open about some of his past struggles, including his battle with an eating disorder at the height of his One Direction fame and consistent difficulties with anxiety, they’re often revelations that feel accidental in nature. We learn of them during an unexpected moment of truth-telling between him and a journalist, the subject quickly changed soon after, or through lyrics that are just descriptive enough to imply deep truths. Even talking about his anxiety in an essay for Time Magazine felt like a necessary course-correction after a string of cancelled gigs led to unflattering rumours about his health in the press.

Whether Malik’s public persona is intended as a protective mask or not, it is still difficult, particularly in the wake of Icarus Falls, not to feel something for him. After all, his jump from a working-class kid to an international superstar worth a reported $50 million, practically overnight, is the sort of trajectory most of us would struggle with at the age of 40, let alone at 17 when Malik auditioned for The X Factor.

Icarus Falls doesn’t cover any new sonic ground for Malik as an artist. It sees him return to the same well of threadbare, silky R&B that helped Mind of Mine easily trounce his fellow One Direction bandmates in the “best first solo record” stakes. But it does whirr with a noticeable sadness, Malik repeatedly mourns the peace of his pre-X Factor past and beats himself up for mistakes he feels that he’s made since. And when he speaks of emotional pain, it often sounds not like something confined to history, but rather something he’s dealing with every day.

“I’d rather be anywhere but here,” he sings on Good Years. “I close my eyes and see a crowd of a thousand tears / I pray to God I didn’t waste all my good years.” On Insomnia: “I’ve been roaming and strolling all in the streets / Burning my eyes red, not slept for weeks.” On Back to Life: “I been flying so long / Can’t remember what it was like to be sober.” On Satisfaction: “Nobody said this would be easy / Nobody gave me a rule book to follow.”

Even typical love songs are fatalistic in nature, talk of Armageddon running through both Flight of the Stars (“I will follow / Hold you close standing on the edge of no tomorrow”) and Tonight (“Love me like tomorrow’s never gonna come”), while much of the album nods to an unnamed great love in Malik’s life that he needs to overcome incredible odds to be with – nothing new for love songs, but given a greater weight when paired with his statements over the years. Because if we know anything about Zayn Malik, it’s that he often can’t stand being Zayn Malik.

Through much of the little press he has done, Malik has expressed unease with most of the trappings of fame, particularly the assumptions that he ought to be personable and friendly with industry figures or musical collaborators. And when it comes to One Direction, he still appears burnt by the experience. While he told Vogue in November that he has recently been able to see his time with the band as “an amazing experience,” despite the “bulls---” of what he refers to as “the machine,” he also told GQ in June that he didn’t make any actual friends during the peak of his fame: “I definitely have issues trusting people.”

In the numerous articles that pop up every winter recalling how good The X Factor used to be, clips are embedded that showcase many of its most memorable contestants, and every year it becomes that bit more shocking how much One Direction looked like children during their time on the show. The scrawny limbs, those Justin Bieber haircuts, the awkward school-talent-show bopping and shuffling. It somehow worked, enough at least to turn them into a tween phenomenon, but in hindsight it’s indefensible that they were pushed as significantly as they were.

There was always something deer-in-the-headlights about the band in its early days, a sense that at least a few of them had been pulled along for the ride as opposed to having a firm grip on the steering wheel. The hunger so visible in pop bands of similar notoriety, whether manufactured or not, wasn’t always visible – and while all of them have transitioned into stable adults who are, for the most part, comfortable in the spotlight, their jarringly different responses to fame remain clear.

It’s important to remember, for context’s sake, that Malik was always a reluctant star. Only attending his original X Factor audition after being guilted by his mother into waking up early and making the journey there, he was, in his own words to The Fader, “a lazy teen”. And even during the audition stages, he expressed reluctance to properly join in, walking off stage during a choreography rehearsal and having to be coaxed to go back. At the time, Malik’s reaction registered as a petulant strop, but now feels oddly prescient.

Of Malik’s One Direction bandmates, Harry Styles was always the most naturally inclined to superstardom – such an affable schmoozer and networker that it was quickly no longer surprising to see images of him palling around with Mick Jagger or Stevie Nicks. Liam Payne always bore the personality of someone very eager to be seen, lack of self-awareness very much included, while the perpetually chipper Niall Horan has always simply appeared very, very happy to be there. But both Malik and Louis Tomlinson have often visibly struggled, uninspired by the more performative and fraudulent elements of celebrity, or the levels of attention handed to them by Simon Cowell and co.

“What I really can’t ever get used to, or really enjoy, are these super geared-up celebrity parties,” Tomlinson told Noisey last year. “No one actually cares. You see people who are beyond self-absorbed, and that’s why it can be a dangerous place.”

Malik has echoed similar sentiments. “I don’t work well in group situations, with loads of people staring at me,” he told GQ. “And when you say ‘star’… everyone wants you to be this kind of character that owns a room or is overly arrogant or confident. I’m not that guy, so I don’t want to be a star.”

What’s odd is that, for all his claims, Malik does bear all the superficial trappings of modern stardom. He’s a fashion darling but is permanently magnetised to the covers of cool indie magazines. Furthermore, his on-again/off-again relationship with supermodel Gigi Hadid has, since 2015, become a Generation Z equivalent of Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder in its aesthetic-heavy, era-defining popularity.

But Malik is also simultaneously detached. The GQ profile, his most extensive recent interview, bears all the hallmarks of a journalist struggling to fulfil a word count because of an uncommunicative subject, writer Carrie Battan even expresses Malik’s tendency to reply to her questions in “friendly but anodyne one-liners.” Like the very best of pop idols, from Britney to Beyoncé, Malik is so compelling principally because he’s so hard to read. But this can also be a poisoned chalice: every expression of doubt or self-pity determined to be a cry for help, every revelation shaping an image that may or may not be real.

It means that listening to Icarus Falls isn’t an entirely joyous experience, Malik’s lyrics painting a picture of a young man still working through the discomfort of his sudden fame and the trauma of a moment in the spotlight marred by illness and fractured relationships, many of its scars still visible today. But it’s also a record that you can’t help but admire as a result, especially if it serves as a form of catharsis for him.

In the decade since Britney Spears was forcibly taken to the hospital surrounded by hundreds of paparazzi photographers, our collective relationship with the idea of fame has greatly altered, particularly for a generation who watched Amy Winehouse essentially die before their eyes. The one beneath them are currently coming to terms with a raft of recent pop star crises, from Demi Lovato’s overdose to the deaths of artists like Mac Miller and Lil Peep.

For all the obvious charms in Malik’s life, from his incredible fortune to a kind of artistic freedom that he never had in One Direction, you’d have to be particularly cold not to feel empathy for the sheer strangeness of his adult existence; a world of rampant, maddening attention that has historically led even the strongest of stars into tragedy.

The Zayn Malik of today is a little bruised, a little listless, his magazine profiles never complete without references to the cloud of marijuana smoke that lingers around him, or his need to lock himself away from the world. It doesn’t sound like the most ideal of outcomes for a man who calls himself a pop idol Icarus and sings with whispery detachment that he has “[flown] too close to the sun.” But we can only hope that it at least serves as a parachute.

[amidst-the-storm]

Ship Concepts

BECAUSE

I HAVE BEEN DRAWING TEMPEST AT THE DARKEST POINT IN THE SERIES (so far)

I HAVE DECIDED

To take some questions a friend and I tossed around concerning ships and make the Tonic version.

Because Tempest has been suffering for weeks now by my hand.

So, without further ado..

Tonic Fluff/Ship/etc. Concepts.

Q.) Kissing?

A.) Sonic is the fastest thing alive- he tends to give really fast pecks to Tempest, making sure to poke her cheek or something afterwards before running off, just so that she knows it was him. Tempest, being one of emotional vulnerability, tends to find these moments sweet, but does not like admitting it…. To the others.

 Q.) Nicknames?

A.) Tempest calls Sonic ‘Blue Boy’. Sonic likes to call Tempest ‘Temps’.

 Q.) How do they react to their crush coming back after being away for a long time?

A.) TWO PARTS.

Long Time Away Reunion Reaction (Sonic):

       He tends to give Tempest the slowest kiss he can manage… Which lasts a grand total of three seconds. The hedgehog tends to follow up by asking what Tempest saw while on her trip- for being so emotionally out of it, she’s really good at descriptions.

Long Time Away Reunion Reaction (Tempest):

       If there’s one thing that’s different when Sonic comes back, it’s Tempest. Just like their first reunion after a sixteen-year separation, she tends to inquire about a hug. Sonic always allows it.. But whenever he seems hesitant, Tempest lays off.

 Q.) Sleeping/cuddles?

A.) Tempest is stone-still when she sleeps. She doesn’t really move. Sonic takes the initiative and cuddles with Tempest, normally earning a sleepy smile from his girlfriend. Sonic moves around A LOT, but it doesn’t seem to ever wake up Tempest.

 Q.) What do they do when their crush is stressed out?

A.) Tempest leads Sonic to a humongous open space and lets him run wild for a while./Sonic cools down a bit of his more outgoing nature, and resorts to finding Tempest some ice cream.

 Q.) Terrified (girl)?

A.) Sonic will keep an arm around Tempest. He knows she doesn’t want to admit it, but knowing that someone is there for her always calms her down.

 Q.) Favorite type of music?

A.) Sonic: Rock and Roll/Tempest: Bass Boosted.

 Q.) Favorite movie type to watch together (+rating/reactions)?

A.) Tonic: Adventure (PG 13/the two essentially spend the whole time talking about their own adventures and how they’ve ‘been there, done that’ where the heroes are concerned).

 Q.) Reacting to the other getting hurt?

A.) Tempest refuses to listen to Sonic’s ‘it’s just a scrape’ bull crap, and will either rush him to a hospital or try to help him herself./Sonic instantly gets Tempest and runs her to the nearest safe place he can think of. Afterwards, he’ll rush to heal her but try to be as slow and gentle as need be.

 Q.) Introvert vs. Extrovert?

A.) Sonic: Extrovert/Tempest: Introvert.

 Q.) Do they share their food?

A.) Sonic will share anything… Except chilidogs./Tempest does not share her food if she can get away with it. It freaks her out a lot.

 Q.) Who ships them the hardest?

A.) Tonic: Chip, Vector, Charmy, Espio, Cream.

 Q.) Ship represented by…?

A.) Tonic: blue flames.

 Q.) What is their relationship like?

A.) While Sonic is a really fast thinker and likes to go at a million miles an hour, Tempest is a slower decision maker and enjoys taking her time. Thanks to this, the two tend to go on unplanned dates. They’re pretty lax about being romantic, so it’s nearly impossible once they start dating to freak them out about how they’re a couple… Beforehand? Oh yeah, there’s a lot of freaking awkwardness.

 Q.) Who proposes?

A.) Tonic: Sonic.

 Q.) What’s their pickup line for the other?

A.) Sonic: If there’s one thing that makes my heart beat fast, it’s thinking about you./Tempest: Are you tired?... You’ve been running through my head all day.

 Questions provided by: a conversation with a very good internet friend of mine (hi Ducky).

And if you read this far, I approve of your stamina.

[juliaisabellphoto]

Music Journal #1: 2018 Albums of the Year

Thus far, I’ve dedicated this blog solely to my attempts at becoming a decent photographer, as well as some scattered descriptions of my travels. While I have no intention of making this blog absurdly personal or anything more than an artistic outlet, I’ve always had an itching to write about the music I find & listen to. So, without further ado, I’ll start with my favorite albums of the year (& a short summary of my thoughts on each)

1. Tash Sultana, Flow State

I stumbled upon this gem of a project late in 2018 when I was itching for an album to drown myself in. As soon as the first notes of “Seed (Intro)” blasted in my headphones, I knew I had chosen right. With a beautiful combination of melodic guitar riffs, biting electronic drum tracks, and silky, laid-back vocals, Sultana opens up a world for the listener to fall into. Listening to this album is startlingly similar to a dreamless night of sleep - one moment you feel as though you can discern the differences between tracks, and the next you’ve made it all the way to track eight without noticing. “Cigarettes” is certainly the vocal gem of the piece, with smooth R&B roots & a chorus that just won’t get out of your head. In stark contrast, “Blackbird” is a song of instrumental mastery. The vocals take a backdrop to the intense conversation (and at some points, argument) being had by Sultana’s competing guitar melodies. Sultana’s work on the guitar is often reminiscent of John Butler Trio & other acoustic greats, but the addition of their unique voice allows the album to take an entirely unique shape of its own. If I have one piece of advice for 2019, it’s to make time to sit and do nothing but listen to this album. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVDJ8O3lPBA

2. Ariana Grande, Sweetener

This was an obvious choice. Ari dropped the album we all needed to hear in 2018. With the artful ability to produce banging pop songs with real meaning, Grande has the makings of a star who will not stop shining for a long, long while. The album is brimming with girl power and independence while also being honest and genuine. The entrancing bass line and sexy confidence of “God is a woman” captured the attention of functionally everyone this year, and with good reason. The subsequent confessional “breathin” showed that even the most badass women have their struggles. Chronicling her fight with anxiety, the song provides a stunning anthem for holding your head up through hard times. If this album proves anything, it is that the new queen of pop has arrived and will be staying. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivwciGSLC-M

3. ASAP Rocky, TESTING

In this album, ASAP Rocky ascends to a whole new level of hip-hop greatness. When describing the project, he stated that it was ‘all about testing new sounds,” and that shows. The abrasive intro song, “Distorted Records,” sets the stage for a completely unique soundscape. This experimentation continues throughout the album with funky drum tracks and accompanying melodies, but ASAP Rocky’s clean vocal style provides a uniting constant. 

While most of this album is perfect for blasting on the highway with car windows down, one song stands out as an independent masterpiece. “Purity.” featuring Frank Ocean, stands in stark contrast to the air of invincibility found in the rest of the album. This song is vulnerable: an introspective discussion of intoxication-related demons laid over an artful sample of Lauryn Hill’s “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind.” This slow, heart-wrenching piece provides an end to the album that is completely antithetical to its beginning. The immense versatility shown in one album alone deserves to be at the top of any 2018 list.

4. Khruangbin, Con Todo El Mundo

If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that the best instrumental music has the ability to say more than any lyrics can. Khruangbin’s second album does just that: every song has a character and a storytelling emotion wrapped up in its funky bass lines. At times, the album floats along as life does (see “Como Me Quieres.) At others, for example in Maria Tambien, there is the feeling of being in the midst of some dramatic situation. The album instrumentally represents the  stages of individual thought (both active and passive) and it is completely enthralling. 

Fun fact: the track “August 10″ is the song “August 12″ from their first album, but played in reverse. They described it as a “connective tissue” between their first album and their second. Cool stuff!

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWLJeqLPfSU

5. Mitski, Be the Cowboy

I first listened to this album as I fell asleep on a plane ride, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The droning, climactic beauty of this album is best experienced on its own with nothing to distract but your own droopy eyes. The album starts off slow with “Geyser,” but quickly works its way up to the earth-shaking climax of “Pearl.” The album is filled with complex sonic peaks and valleys from there on out (try to find a melodic similarity between “Remember My Name” and “Come into the Water” - I date you.) The songs of this album feel like different chapters in a storybook, and that’s exactly how Mitski wanted it. When she described her intentions, she said that she wanted the album to feel like “the image of someone alone on a stage.” ‘Be the Cowboy’ cleverly achieves this - finishing the album feels like finishing a novel, including the disappointment at the lack of further content. 

6. Troye Sivan. Bloom

This pop album bursting with energy and emotion accesses the wonderful, terrible process of falling in and out of love. While I could talk for paragraphs upon paragraphs about the hours that I spent dancing in my kitchen to this album, that’s not the primary reason for this album’s place on my list. With ‘Bloom,’ Sivan produced one of the most emotionally versatile musical pieces of the year. When I discuss his songs with people, I am always struck by the differences in what they mean to each of us. Certainly, this variance in meaning is the nature of music - but Sivan pushes that to a new level. His songs are a vibrant and powerful normalization of gay expression, and provide the whole world with relatable songs to dance (and cry) to.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xCMF7jsDJI

7. J. Balvin, Vibras

There is only one thing that this album makes you want to do: dance. It is absolutely guaranteed that your hips will be moving by the end of song number two. The beats on this new album are hot and infectious, as shown by the popularity of “Mi Gente” in clubs everywhere. Reggaeton as a genre has gained massive popularity globally, and Balvin has jumped into this with new variations of the traditional Columbian style. Noticeable throughout the album are infusions of popular trap beats as well as salsa and electronic dance music (see “Machika.”) The album is undeniably sexy, y despues de escuchar todas personas quieren mas ;)

8. LP, Heart to Mouth

I read somewhere that this album was a “full-length heartbreaker.” As I progressed through each song, this description was confirmed ten times over. There is not a single song on this album that didn’t make me feel something real. In no particular order, LP represents the whirlwind of emotions that come with the end of a relationship: regret, pain, missing someone, liberation, strength. The entire conflicting mess is all there. Listen to ‘Recovery’ if you need a cry, and ‘Girls Go Wild’ if you need a therapeutic dance party. All I can do is feel thankful to have received this raw, empowering confessional. And of course, her stunning vocals don’t hurt one bit. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACWS4ajWdww

9. Mac Miller, Swimming 

Listening to this album in the wake of Mac’s death is haunting. His words cut deep, and they cut deeper after knowing the full extent of how he struggled. The themes of growth and healing are wrapped up in overwhelming melodies and Mac’s beautiful voice. The first track of the album, “Come Back to Earth,” sets the stage for the emotional rollercoaster that each track is bound to be. After this song, he launches into the groovy “Hurt Feelings” and begins to describe the intricacies of his hardships. This album is something you could easily bop around your kitchen table to (queue “What’s the Use?”), but if you listen too closely you might end up in tears. In this contemplative and instrumentally complex record, Mac’s last work was his strongest. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrR_gm6RqCo

10. Liz Brasher, Outcast EP

I first heard this EP on an episode of NPR’s “All Songs Considered” in the middle of a long drive up California Highway 5 (one that would’ve been torturous without the discovery of new music.) The song “Body of Mine” immediately caught my ear, and I dove into the rest of Brasher’s music as deeply as I could. Uncut garage-band sound is the overwhelming theme of the EP - “Body of Mine,” “Come My Way,” and “Outcast” make this crystal clear. Despite the quick assumptions that can be made about her sound, Brasher pulls complexity into the EP with the heart-wrenching ballads “Feel Something” and “Remain.” These two songs showcase the raw strength of her voice and the emotion that she can convey with it. I am excited to see what her music develops into as she gains more acclaim in the new year. Thanks again, NPR!

11. Travis Scott, ASTROWORLD

I haven’t been a huge Travis Scott fan in the past. I would passively listen to his music, but I never understood all the buzz about him. This album completely changed my mind. ASTROWORLD is a masterpiece in so many ways, and the amount of depth present in the album is mindblowing. While “STARGAZING” and “SICKO MODE” stand out as obvious party bangers, it’s no surprise that many fans are hooked on calmer tracks like “YOSEMITE” and “COFFEE BEAN.” If I were to describe the different musical styles employed on this album, I would truly be describing every song. Scott enters a new realm of production genius, giving club DJs exactly what they want while also producing the perfect songs for a chill night in smoking. He includes the autotuned party business he employed in past albums while also mixing in pure, clean cuts of his own voice. It was a pleasant surprise to hear an album from a trap artist with both diversity and widespread quality. Officially a Travis Scott fan. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enYt3dKXWkE

12. Christine and the Queens, Chris

I was also introduced to this album late in the year, and I’m glad I was because its energy was exactly what I needed. This half poppy half funky explosion of energy is what anyone needs to listen to on a down day. This album was her rebranding as Chris, an “affirmation of desire as a force of chaos” as she described in an interview with NPR. In both the album artwork and the record’s descriptions of love and identity, she plays with the fluidity of gender and its meaning in our modern era. This phenomenal record is an exercise in both shifting representations of desire and making you dance, and I’m so here for it.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjliweXTCYM

12. Kacey Musgraves. Golden Hour

This slow-rolling album is perfect for a slow day. When I initially saw this album on the top charts, I was confused - I had seen Musgraves live in 2014, I had heard “High Horse,” but what was SO special about her? It was only in taking a chunk of my day to sit and listen to this album that I caught the bug that everyone else seemed to already have. In this album, Musgraves develops into so much more of an artist than she has been in the past. She shifts from cookie-cutter radio country to a wonderfully sweet combination of cotton-candy pop and heartfelt Americana guitar riffs. Her message is positive, her lyrics are honest, and her sound is touching. I was most convinced by “Happy & Sad,” and I won’t deny that the song pulled tears out of my eyes. She conveys youthful happy energy while simultaneously acknowledging the uncertainty of that happiness, and we all needed it (even if we didn’t know it.) Plus, “High Horse” is a bop, and that’s that on that. 

13. BROCKHAMPTON, iridescence

After the expulsion of Ameer Vann from the group and the cancellation of a number of tour dates, many weren’t sure what to expect from Brockhampton in the coming weeks. The name of the upcoming album was changed, and presumably entirely new songs were recorded. Nevertheless, iridescence was received with intense anticipation from die-hard Brockhampton fans (myself among them.) The album fulfilled all hopes - with the first track, “NEW ORLEANS,” launching into an aggressive and high-energy beat, I couldn’t help but smile. Brockhampton did it yet again. The transitions between songs are seamless, and every song lends to the theatrics that they love to pull onstage. Much of the record feels like a high-speed formula one race, but the emotional “SAN MARCOS” pulls listeners into another dimension entirely. Hearing this song performed live was one of the more powerful moments of any concert I’ve ever seen - the outro was made to be passionately sung by a crowd, and it so was. And “TONYA” - wow. I could go on forever about this album.

14. Boygenius, boygenius

The cover art for this record is simple, and that simplicity shines through in its tracks. The collaboration of Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, and Lucy Dacus in this project is pure magic. The music is calm, melodic, and easy to become entranced by. Their voices could lull me to sleep any day, and every song feels like it could play during the part of a movie when the protagonist stares out a car window in deep thought. Each song builds to an emotionally charged climax in exactly the tortured way that a listener would expect from these three artists. At this point, I’d be deeply sad if these three didn’t continue making music as a group. They are a gift.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS48Lp34Zic

15. Kali Uchis, Isolation

Kali Uchis blooms in a real way in Isolation. Busting at the seams with sexy confidence, her psychedelic-funky R&B traversal of genres on this record is just perfect. Her uniquely smooth voice pulled over left-of-center beats lends itself to an album full of hits. “After the Storm” featuring Tyler the Creator gained quick popularity, and it is a good representative of the vibe that the rest of the album gives off. A laid back, sexual, happy piece of musical experimentation, Kali Uchis is here to play ball. 

16. Cardi B, Invasion of Privacy

With Invasion of Privacy, Cardi B burst onto the popular rap scene with no regrets. Every song exudes her bad bitch energy and reclaims the rap music tropes typically employed exclusively by men. While an incredible ancestry of female rappers came before her, Cardi B has broken the musical glass ceiling in a big way. She is the first female rapper to reach number one on the Billboard top 200 in over 20 years, has the most Billboard top 100 entries of any female artist in history, and many more. She is a true ‘rags-to-riches’ success story, and she’s here to tell us all about it. I’m listening.  

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LPVjHxXvJM

17. Ryan Beatty, Boy in Jeans

I just saw an article titled “Ryan Beatty writes really good pop songs about boys.” This was a quite simplistic summary of what’s going on here, but it’s not wrong. Despite his vocals on Brockhampton’s “Bleach” and his frequent collaboration with the popular group, Beatty didn’t break out individually in the music scene until now. He certainly did so with this album, and he did it well. His slightly left-of-center pop featuring a voice with the consistency of caramel is exactly what everyone wants to hear. It’s the perfect music for a scenic car ride, and I’m obsessed.

18. The Decemberists, I’ll Be Your Girl

I’ve been a fan of the Decemberists for a long time, and I saw them at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley on their last tour. I would see them again in a heartbeat, and I will never get over the passion that goes into Colin Meloy’s vocal presentation. With the high-energy promotion of this album, I was expecting typical Decemberists greatness. What I got was something entirely different - greatness, but nothing typical. This electronically-infused record exposed a new side of the Decemberists that I am refreshed to hear. The addition of synth and an Arcade Fire type vibe suits them and the sort of rebranding they desired to achieve. With this album, the Decemberists evolved in a way they never have, and I applaud them for it. 

19. J. Cole, KOD

There are a number of people who love to hate on J. Cole, and I’ve never understood it. With this album in particular, J. Cole distinguished himself with both lyrics and production value. The album cover above depicts excessive drug use, and in fine print states “This album is in no way intended to glorify addiction.” This powerful message alone sets the stage for an album that means something. The subsequent subject matter of each of the record’s tracks follows this narrative - a description of being stuck in the ways of drug addiction. I have always appreciated J. Cole for his ability to tell a complete story through an album despite the lack of a chronological order or common plot in each song. The album shows the deterioration of a drug addict - from the high of “KOD” to  the contemplative pain of “Once an Addict (Interlude).” 

20. Kendrick Lamar, Black Panther the Album

Everything produced surrounding the Black Panther movie was a hit. The power of this movie and the contributors to this album is unparalleled. Aside from the clear message that this media sent, every song is phenomenal. “All the Stars” displays SZA’s ridiculous vocal prowess. “X” is the perfect hype song, displaying Kendrick’s sassy and innovative lyrical technique. In “The Ways,” Khalid’s sweet voice embodies the beauty of the powerful woman he describes. “I Am” by Jorja Smith absolutely knocks the album out of the park - this stunningly sexy track propelled her onto the music scene, and thank god it did. I’d listen forever if I could. I’d go on, but every song on this album is an iconic collaboration. 

Must watch: the movie.

21. Houndmouth, Golden Age

This album is so painfully underrated. If you want a pick me up, listen to Golden Age. Immediately. From the album’s floaty start to the explosive mood of the album’s namesake track, it’s all hits and no misses. Embracing a completely different musical tone from their last album, Houndmouth seizes a futuristic alt-rock cacophony as their new style. Taking nods from 80s Phil Collins numbers (the beginning of Strange Love... come on!), they take us back to a golden age of sorts while also propelling us to a fun future. I will never not dance my pants off to this album.