#life sucks and i really wish it didn't | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

onlythebravest · 2 years ago

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#tw sick parent figure + tw sick parent when i was younger (sick-sick)#seriously don't read this it's just me rambling #i just write it here bc i don't want to bother people by saying the same thing over and over and over #bc it's nothing new to be said. i just need to get it out yet another time #i hope this drowns in all the louis posts so i can just send this into the void 😂#i've been home for less than 24 hours and i already don't want to be here. it already sucks #i guess in a way it's good bc now i can help but it really sucks and idk how to handle everything #and on top of that my therapist continues to be sick so i don't even have someone to talk to about all of this and it just sits in my head #he is already back at the hospital which makes me just remember all the times my mom went in and out of the hospital when i was younger #well good thing here is that they have something that they now can treat even if they don't know it that's actual cause of not #but doesn't help with all my thoughts about how bad shit is and how it reminds me of my mom and how i can't handle any of this #and am instead rambling in some tags in a tumblr post #i wish i could just shut down all the emotions until he's all better and we don't have to worry anymore and everything is fine again #bc this sucks #i don't want to do this anymore #and i'm sure it's barely begun #bc why would it be easily treatable? that would be a miracle and i don't believe in miracles #life sucks and i really wish it didn't #if you’re down here then that’s impressive bc I wouldn’t be able to read this since it’s just a block of text without any real sentences 😂#and yeah this is just me screaming into the void #don't worry about it i'll be fine

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dawnofiight · 3 months ago

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Now Presenting: Sophia Rhone

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lilowoof · 3 months ago

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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD

Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!

#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone #you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run #my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point #the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer #why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up #what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation #and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other #that might be fun #also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING #but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion #but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha #ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog #one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art #gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free #ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-

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marklikely · 6 months ago

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i know a lot of trans women talk about mourning not growing up a girl and i always thought i didnt experience any equivalent to that (probably for many reasons) but the last couple weeks i realised i think i do and its specifically about not growing up a gay man.

#i wish i hadnt realized this bc now despite my best efforts i can't stop driving myself crazy about it.#but like i never really cared abt not growing up a cis boy bc i always imagined myself being straight #but now that I've imagined myself being gay oh my god this fucking sucks i hate it here.#avpost #also whenever i hear cis gay men talk about like growing up. or being in high school. or their gay awakenings.#its like. im not jealous exactly but i feel like something important was stolen from me and i cant get it back god im so mad #idk also as i get further in my transition i feel so disconnected from my youth like it didn't fully belong to me #but i also don't have anything to take its place theres just a gap there where the life i should've had would go.#and i think its stupid bc its like. whatever who cares about what could have been all i have is what was. why am i making myself crazy .#but i can't help it -_-

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actual-corpse · 5 months ago

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Watching Avatar the Last Airbender...

Politely reminded of the time people wanted my head because I said that ATLA ruined storytelling because some people can't fucking think critically of media before trying to tell you what's so good about it.

I LOVE AtLA! Adore it! But like.... A majority of people watched Zuko switch sides and said, "Damn... What if we redeemed ALL the villains?" Without realizing Zuko wasn't a true villain in need of redemption.

But... The Redemption Game isn't truly JUST the fault of AtLA... There was a shift in the Moral of the Story. Idk how to explain it bc I'm half asleep, but like...

#Steven Universe is a prime example of why Redemption isn't always the Best Idea #i also have beef with people trying to 'make the next Avatar'... You dont even understand WHY you like it!#hell #My Little Pony didn't start redeeming it's villains until it became Vogue to do so #and so #Starlight Glimmer gets a redemption she doesn't deserve (she deserves Tartarus) and is free to continue to abuse people #BUT #towards the end of the series (after it found the plot again due to assholes BEGGING for 'world bulding' that wasn't really necessary)#a fucking FIRST grader (who's crimes were definitely NOT as bad as Starlights) goes to Tartarus?#idk why people think everything needs a fully fleshed out world to exist in #maybe that was AtLA too... Except Avatar was SET UP to EXPLORE THE WORLD #shows like MLP:FiM were NOT set up for a world outside of Canterlot and Ponyville (and the one-off cities)#you dont need a fully realized world. you don't need explanations for everything!#Harry Potter ruined media too (except like... JKR also sucks ass and that sours HP but like)#idk #im rambling #i should write an essay and let it rot on my hard drive #i wish people would just accept that their favorite media isn't perfect #and I wish people would allow open discussions or criticisms without trying to fucking DOX people and threaten them #discussion can be fun!!!#it can be fun to dissect and analyze and defend media!#people are way too parasocial and overprotective of their favorite media #we need to be able to have discussions (This can be said about Real Life things but I DIGRESS)#im not fucking tagging this #bc I WILL get internet killed bc people are fucking nuts #*screaming*

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merlinity · 2 days ago

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One of the funny (?) things about me is that when I was absolutely miserable during the second year of my master's program, that misery expressed itself and evolved into an intense feeling of "I want to go home". And that feeling never went away. It's the first and most powerful thought I get whenever I'm feeling down. Even if I'm already home.

#Don't think I've really talked about it before but #That was genuinely one of the lowest points of my life despite living in Paris (yes I recognize the privilege there)#I was so lonely and wasn't good at doing things by myself #nor did I want to. And I'm still not good at that tbh.#My good friends were in the parallel program (research vs “professional”) and I didn't see them much due to travel-sucking-outside-of-Paris #I didn't like the people I was in class with and sometimes had to be with for 7 days and nights straight #Classes were 9-5 +studying (and commuting) which honestly. Hell. Cooped up in a studio apt so much #Wild to think that for as lame as Logan Utah is and how stressed I was about my thesis I still had a better time there #it at least felt like a valuable use of time. Meanwhile i WISH I could say I remembered anything about my classes.#So I wanted to go home where I could easily see friends and family on a regular basis #get a hug or something #Anyways #It's still my gut feeling when I'm sad but now it just feels silly and misplaced whenever I catch it happening lol #personal

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sga-owns-my-soul · 1 year ago

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ha

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erveinangel · 5 months ago

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// Divergent Universe thoughts in tags.

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rubberduckyrye · 6 months ago

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Man. That Feel When I want to be feral and reveal a bad experience I've had and reveal the person who took my money and kind of ran with it but. Is it worth starting drama over?

I was just thinking about it tbh...

Well I'll say this much: A rather popular DR person (at the time, idk what they're fully up to now) pretty much took over $100.00 from me and ghosted me. I tried to commission them for something but. Well. Again, they just ghosted me. Haven't been able to enjoy their work since they did.

And to note: It was not an artist or fanfic author. I'm not elaborating on this further, but I don't want to feel like I HAVE to keep silent in order to feel like I'm not mud-slinging or people to speculate on innocent people. This is a years-old event that just crops up once in a while and I get upset about it.

So yeah. Bleck.

#I just. Come across or think about their work sometimes #and I just get sad because I really did enjoy their work once upon a time #but idk. To run off with someone's money is kind of scummy.#I won't say I was fully scammed though #They ended up ghosting me first #Then I sent them an email telling them to just keep the money after they didn't get back to me because #well #They forced me to not use Paypal's invoices so I knew that even if I tried to dispute it I would probably not win by that point #Then they got back to me feeling guilty and offered a full refund AND to finish the commission I ordered #to which I was like ''Oh great!!!! but if you're gonna complete the order then don't give me a refund''#because you know #Why would I let this artist slave over this content I was commissioning them for just to cheat them out of payment?#So I thought we were set to continue and then #guess what? Ghosted again. This time they never came back.#-sighs-#It was supposed to be a surprise gift for a friend too #which really fucking sucks ass tbh #I could really use that extra $100.00 in my life ngl.#I also wish I could enjoy their content again because it was good content #but alas. I'm just gonna have to stay bitter and huffy about it.

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scarletcomet · 2 years ago

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there's really no help for feeling suicidal when you're not in immediate danger

#like i guess im just supposed to wait until i am in immediate danger??#and even those resources are just to keep you safe. not make you not want to die #what the fuck am i supposed to do #being suicidal but not being in immediate danger really sucks #at least if i was like going to hurt myself in a life threatening way i could potentially die #but no im stuck here all because i dont want my parents to be sad #doesn't seem fair. i didn't ask to be born #i don't know what to do #how long can i feel this way and imagine all these scenarios until i do something about it?#i got really close a few nights while i was still at school #but every method has its downsides #i wish i could just not care about the effects my suicide would have on other people #i really just need to go for it #it's extremely selfish of me to say this but once i'm dead i won't care #i wish i could kill myself tonight #i wake up every morning and have to do another day. sometimes it's not so bad but i still just want to be dead #even while im laughing or snuggling with my bunny or with friends i still want to be dead #i want to kill myself #i think if i had a plan even if i was never going to go through with it i would feel better #like something to fall back onto. or just knowing it was possible #guess it's time to keep working on the pros and cons list of different suicide methods🤡#someone please help me #people who deserve to live and want to live die all the time but i have to keep living. doesn't seem fair.#the world is a really fucked up place #sorry for not adding trigger warnings. went past 20 tags and im on mobile so i cant move them around #i dont think anyone reads these anyways.

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izzy-b-hands · 3 months ago

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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.

#text post #like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late #and god why do we have to do another visit #they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out #can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after #i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel #i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that #they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically #and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor #and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt #that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it #bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it #they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like #im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything #unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care #anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great #that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday #(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week #and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure #for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up #he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at #so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that #and that's money i don't fucking have rn #i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this #and now i definitely cant bc like #it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried #what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule #that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November

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aberooski · 11 months ago

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Every day I tell myself "all I have to do is make it through today" and I'm realizing that I don't know how I feel about the fact that I feel like I have to tell myself that every single day.

#a lot of times it's because I hate my job and I'm miserable #I literally cried in the car on the way home today because I got so stressed during my shift #never work at a movie theater kids it's awful #I wish I didn't #I wish I could have a real job because I fucking went to college I got my fucking dgree #and yet this was the best I could do because I've never had a job in my life so no one would give me the time of day #I feel humiliated every single day I walk into the building #I feel like such a failure and an embarrassment #and that's not to say everyone who works at the theatre ahould feel that way that's now what I'm saying #but that's how I personally feel about myself and the situation that I am in #and we're entering the busiest week of the year so it sucks even more than usual #but also I'm just so tired from this year it's been a really bad one for me and my family #just abysmal in every way #so I have to remind myself I have to make it through the day every day right now #but you know what it's fine I have a chapter done and ready to go on Christmas and it's been almlst 4 years in the making #so in that case I have a present for some of you and I'm really excited about it #it's gonna be a sad Christmas for us because everyone in my family is broke but I hope you guys all have a better holiday than I will #and as someone who adores Christmas like it's my favorite day of the year type adore I'm just really down in the dumps right now #just feeling very sad #but anyway sorry rant over I have to go to bed #I don't get saturday's off and those are my lingest shifts so 🙃#I get christmas eve and christmas ofd tough 😊#but not the day after 🙃#anyway bedtime for me sorry to rant guys #abby's self deprecation hour #abby after dark

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bredforloyalty · 1 year ago

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what's the worst thing that could happen. it gets infected or my eardrum needs surgery. very unlikely i assume. if it's bad the doctor will be like go to urgent care if it's not serious then it's not serious and i can calm down and go get it fixed on monday or some other day. right??

#guys my approach to my body is it's either nothing or the ambulance takes me‚ no in-between #i have done nothing to prepare for this situation. this doesn't exist in my book #i can't heeeear though :( i really use my ears a whole lot in day-to-day life this kind of sucks.#i wish i didn't have ears

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valleyofdeaddandelions7 · 1 year ago

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Fuck this real life shit to hell and back! Am going to one of those Jibaku Shonen Hanako-Kun slice of life AUs where everyone is happy and nobody fucking died and am gonna be happy there!!!!

#hanako kun #Can you tell I'm having a crisis ?#I really wish i wasn't like here here #Life sucks #jibaku shounen hanako kun #jshk #toilet bound hanako kun #tbhk #Anime #Manga #Fucking end me #Am so so tired #So tired of this #I just wanted to help #I just wanted to be happy #Why can't i #I wish i didn't exist #I don't wanna be here anymore

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stinkrascal · 2 years ago

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pros of trying a new restaurant: the lady working the front counter said i was really pretty :)

cons of trying a new restaurant: i got food poisoning from it

#this solidifies my belief that trying new things sucks bad and isnt good #which sucks bc i really wanted to try jamaican food and i think if i went to a better restaurant i would've enjoyed it :(#it wasn't even a restaurant it was a bar with food in it. i should've known but i wanted to give the benefit of the doubt #i was fully dressed makeup and everything and then we walked inside and realized it's just a bar and got our bar food to go #then watched one piece at home. i was still in my dress and makeup so it counted as a date :)#love the lady working the front counter though i will think about her forever. ily girl #one day we'll try jamaican food but it will be at an actual sit down restaurant not a bar and i bet it'll be so good #the menu at this bar was weird bc it only let you order like 4 different foods depending on which day it is #i really wanted this like plantain sandwich type thing? but i couldn't order it bc it was on tuesday's menu #very sad... it looked divine #THEIR PLATAINS WERE SO GOOD i've never had a plantain so delicious in my life #also this bread they had!! it was like a sweet bread in the shape of a baguette. i think it was called festival? it was DELICIOUS #so the food wasn't all bad. just the goat curry that came out lukewarm and gave me a stomachache #honestly for bar food that's pretty ambitious so for that alone i give them credit #it didn't taste bad either. i just wish it didn't poison me

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neverendingford · 18 days ago

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#tag talk #watching media not in English is honestly so fun. my brain loves trying to pick out sentence structure and individual words #as someone who was obsessed with writing and learning codes as a kid it's unsurprising #I've realized that I very well could finally become multilingual and it's a really exciting thought #I just wish language learning apps didn't suck so much. I very well might have to start keeping a notebook for vocabulary #but I've been watching Puerta 7 and listening exclusively to music in Spanish for about the past week #and next year my brother and I are gonna take Spanish together at the community college once we move #cause he wants to travel internationally and maybe live abroad so language learning would be super useful #he's not as good with language as I am but that'll just mean I get to help him with it #anyway. I think I'm gonna dig out a notebook and start planning how I'm gonna do this #I really really wanna get good enough to read books and articles in Spanish. cause reading is cool and great and builds vocab #I think this is only possible now that I've been medicated for a while.#like. I wish I could have done this years ago but I accept the fact that I've been on a journey #and chasing your dreams is only possible once you're in a position to do so. my brain was too fucked before.#so external motivation was the only way I could make progress. whereas now I have the ability to internally motivate.#I can do dishes. clean my room. fold laundry. make food. and finally learn a language in my own way.#I wish language learning apps didn't fucking suck so doggamn much. they're really the worst. even as a kid I hated Rosetta Stone.#I needed to find my own way to learn and I'm still figuring it out but I will. I know I will.#I will be successful and I will chase the things I love in life and even if things go wrong I will work to improve my life #and part of that self actualization is learning the language I've grown up with and yet never learned. and then I can learn other languages #because I genuinely wanna learn a lot of languages. hell I taught myself a little bit of spoken elvish as a kid. it's in my blood I guess.#being monolingual is genuinely distressing for me tbh.#shit I should ask my sibling for book recommendations and I can buy something to start pulling vocabulary from.#for now I can pull words from songs or tv. that's a good starting point. even if I prefer the aesthetic of studying a book #except first I'm gonna fold my laundry and change my bedsheets #bye y'all

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