#life log

[ur-daily-inspiration-1]

Life 🍁

[starffis]

December 2024 outdoor sketchbook highlights

[vrgssmncht]

"did it fix what was wrong inside?"

YES. Cicada molt does.

Nice

Today may be shit socially but I found TWO cicada molts so there's that (usually it's zero..) I love you cicadas! (Woagh I've gotten very tan from all the camping and all the observations)

Look at them! Aren't they cool as heck?!?

Also attended a great lecture on conservation and a seminar discussing the research a club I'm in has done (that I will also be doing later next year wahoo!) This seminar really lit the light inside me again a bit.. hellyeah for that! It's refreshing to be surrounded by people who have the same value as yours.. ah.. also my senior gave me a drive full of fauna pics from his expedition! Hellyeah! This post is about gratitude!

[novellady]

In a stunning example of how much I keep my self to myself I got a cat almost a week ago and haven't mentioned him! Meet Ghost!

[teleconhaikus]

I really wish I had the ability to bend the ears of those in Hollywood to portray disabled and ill humans with grace and empathy and not who magically get better one day, or have only one episode story archs but ones where they actually are considered daily and their needs are thought of by all their friends and loved ones.. not because it’s the reality I know but because it’s the reality I wish I could at least see in a fantasy world at least.

I spent all day yesterday on my couch in pain from lupus, hands and feet just aching and no energy to do much else than sleep.. and it’s isolating and it’s lonely but it could be better if the world saw everyone for their flaws and supported them instead and the only they would is if they see it in their heros, and the fiction first. If you can’t even imagine it it can’t ever be real.

[namthighs]

2025, here we go

Older I get, the quote "I don't think all writers are sad, I think it's the other way around- all sad people write" runs through my mind.

I have never been consistent with my tumblr. But that was never the intention of this tumblr. It was - still is - just a place to write down my thoughts and ramblings. My half-baked poems. My 3am dreams. But somewhere along the way, I realized, I am always drawn to writing when my feelings overwhelm or underwhelm me. I guess writing is a healthy way to vent out but sometimes it makes me sad that I seem to only save the negative emotions. But is it my fault that the positive ones are so fleeting? They are so fleeting that I dare not to enjoy it to the fullest and not taint its presence by drawing out my phone, trying to capture it.

My writing skills have become rusty with time. Of course, that is expected, I haven't been reading books like I used to. I am nothing like how I used to be like. It is to the point where I can't explain to a stranger who I am. I am nothing. I am merely existing.

I used to be secure in my relationships. I thought I had pretty good friendships (I still do!) but recently that sense of security has taken a hit. It doesn't help that a close friend has faded into nothing. Years and years of friendship taken as granted and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I am fine with many things but once you start treating my time as expendable and yours as gold, I am gone. And if you are okay with my absence, then I must have meant nothing to you anyway.

I am just going to interpret it as that friendship has served its purpose and that is why it came to an end.

[decapodiformes]

2024/10/2

アパートの敷地内の柿が鈴生りに。秋って感じがするー。

There are a lot of fruits on the persimmons in the garden of the apartment where I live. It feels like autumn🍂

[frankenfae]

Some days feel harder than normal and you know it's for everyone's good you put yourself on timeout essentially. Like turn off the phone, go to your room or wherever, maybe write in your journal or whatever but there's no way you're going to be a barrel of laughs that day so it's better to like reduce the fallout of your bad bad mood..

Which sounds counterproductive because truly if it was reversed I would love to cheer up a friend, or at least keep them company on their worst days but I somehow find myself mostly around friends who love me on Sunshine channel committee but kinda hate when I'm down in the dumps. Like but you're the happy friend, you're the smart one, etc etc.. it's like when I got dumped by my long-term boyfriend and someone was like but you're the dream couple I'm like well sorry to let you down and idk that feels so common for me. Somewhere in their heads everyone wants to see me a certain way it makes them happy to know me and be my friend but really the reality isn't what they see and it doesn't matter who I am because it's the projection onto me that makes themselves feel so good about themselves.. like oh this? This is my funny engineer friend with chronic illnesses but don't worry she's not like a sad sick friend she's a funny strong friend who's capable of everything! She's superwoman! It's literally why people dump me too but I'm like hey I never said I was superwoman but I sure af do try. Maybe because my general understanding is my value is very deeply tied in what I can do for others but the truth is I'm tired and sick and there's some days where I've been polite and generous and kind for so long that I feel like screaming or crying or punching a wall and that's not very healthy but at least I know when I feel that way to just remove myself and regroup.

Anyways that's on my mind tonight.. At least it's Friday.

[ur-daily-inspiration-1]

The simple life I want. 🍃🌴

[oneuldoh]

06월 07일 2023년

Along with the Gods

I just finished watching Along with the Gods: The Two Worlds. This is probably my 5th time watching it. I’ve been waiting for the new movie to come out.

I’m thinking of watching the second installment: Last 49 Days or watch a new movie. I should be watching My Perfect Stranger but I don’t feel like watching dramas today.

I should be preparing for my interview tomorrow: print out my resume, what to wear (I don’t have any closed shoes sandals. Should I just wear sneakers?), and my bag. I’m too lazy though. I’ll just try to stall some time.

[starffis]

November 2024 outdoor drawing highlights

[dangoonoda]

初めてWordPressにメール投稿してみたが、自分の思うような改行ができてない。しかもクラシックエディターになってしまって、修正も上手にできない。Jatpackから修正しようと思ったら、カスタムHTMLです、とか表示されて、修正できないし。

メール投稿は、今後も要研究やな。

[peachypaginae]

Thu, Mar 21, 2024

blind date with a book, bought acomaf as if I'm not only 3/4 finished with acotar

pasta

skincare

journal and yarn

[teleconhaikus]

Being the only autistic in a family of ADHD is harsh on Christmas.. can't get a thought to be fully finished or discussed to save their lives.

Rough

[namthighs]

11/12/2024

Still feeling stuck and restless

I should accept my fate

I'm just always always always sad

I don't know

I want to crawl out of my skin

I hate it here because I hate myself (?)

It didn't take too long to relapse

I noticed it when my maladaptive daydreaming came back

Like a bit by bit

I think i just don't like my life even tho I have fought with the skin of my teeth to get here in the first place

Why am I never satisfied

I don't know if I can keep up with the world anymore

I don't think I'm strong enough for this world

Goodbye world

[decapodiformes]

今日はForaminiferaが何か分からなくて調べ、初めて有孔虫という存在を知った。私は成人してだいぶ経つ大人なのにまだ知らないことだらけだ。子供の頃沖縄土産に星の砂の小瓶をもらって大層大事にしていたが、砂ではなくて有孔虫の、生き物の殻だったとは。なぜ星形の砂があるのかという疑問さえ持たなかったな…