#life isn't fun when you don't have a strong support system around you

[jacob-blogs]

I question whether my self-expression comes from within or whether I do it for other people's benefit.

[realmadridfamily]

Last year was particularly significant for Israeli model Mishel Gerzig and her husband, Real Madrid goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois. Last summer, they married in a prestigious secret wedding that was talked about around the world. Later, they both went through a difficult period after Tibo's leg injury - then came the war in Israel, which forced them to join the information campaign. But last week they announced some particularly happy news - their first pregnancy. In recent days, the pregnant Gerzig came for a short visit to Israel - and we caught her this morning (Sunday) on the set of Z-Sport, of which she is the main face. In the interview, Mishel talked about her role as an expectant mother and life in Spain in the shadow of the war in Israel.

Do you also do sports during this period? Of course, I have to. I think it's even more important during this period. I was practicing sports even before my pregnancy, now I just keep doing it.

How long did you come to Israel? 5 days. I spent a weekend in Eilat, in the sun, at the beach - now I'm fresh for a day of photo shoots.

How are you coping with this difficult time? It's hard to deal with this from a distance. We get updates from the phone, from messages, from friends and family, we're not actually here so it's very difficult. Together Tibo and I try to be as supportive as we can. Because I'm pregnant, I took everything very seriously and very sensitively. There were moments when I felt I needed a second breath. Basically, we try to be strong. We have no other choice.

Are you getting comments about all your support for Israel? Yes, I've been uploading videos about this situation since the beginning - and Tibo decided to upload it too at some point. We quickly found ourselves under fire from all sides, but we stand behind it with our heads held high. Tibo, who is not Israeli, is behind it anyway and that is truly amazing. There is nothing I can do, everyone knows that I am Israeli, everyone knows where I grew up and that I served in the army. I have always been proud of it - and I will continue to be proud of it. I will never hide it. If you don't like it, have a nice day.

Why did Tibo decide to take part? He is not Israeli, why would he participate in the information system? I think he now has a direct connection with this country - he visited Israel and now has friends and family from here. My family is his family, my friends are his friends, so he really feels more connected to this country, it hits him more personally. When it happened, it not only shocked him, but it really touched on a kind of point: "Hey, these are my people too." The hate and shocking wishes he has received, but he still stands behind it and has no interest in criticism. We started talking to people to explain the situation, it opens their eyes. His teammates came up to me and asked how I and my family were doing. There is a lot of support behind the scenes, but less in public.

Isn't there a fear that it will harm his professional career? I don't think something like this should happen in a place like this, and if it does, it's very sad. After all, everyone has their own opinion. But I think such a shocking situation should shock the whole world. Tibo talks about this to a lot of people and he's not shy - and I think what he's doing is a great advertisement.

First pregnancy, huh? What is the excitement meter? Wow, very high! Huge excitement, it's really a ray of light and great fun at the moment. We checked the test together, it was very exciting.

When will the baby come into the world? At spring.

How did Tibo's children react? They were so excited, they were so charming. It really warms the heart.

Do you intend to continue living in Spain? At the moment, yes. Tibo obviously has his rehab plan and training plan, and that's where we're at right now.

Just between you and me, how involved will Tibo be in raising the baby? Will he change diapers? Will he get up at night? Of course he will! And he will get up at night - he is much better than me at getting up at night.

Do you already have name ideas? We have some ideas. But we're still processing it.

What do you expect from your child? The future of a footballer or a model? Whatever he or she wants, but the most important thing is health.

Were you not afraid to come to Israel during the war, when you're pregnant? I think overall it stopped me from arriving early because I had suffered from anxiety attacks in the past and didn't know how it would affect me and had to keep my mind balanced. But in the end I decided to come and I am very happy with this decision.

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

IVE's Career/Love Reading (October)

Alright, time to look into a new group here that was a recommendation. If find it fun to step into some new energy every so often, so let's see what is happening for them for the month of October.

Yujin

Career: (The Chariot) It does seem like a month of movement for her. A month to take chances and to face her fears, a month of bravery when it comes to her career. She may face some challenges, but she has the endurance and determination to fight through it. It is like she is moving towards a new direction this month.

Love: (Darkest Fears) I believe this is similar to the 9 of swords in Tarot. There are a lot of worries she has regarding her love life. Things that may keep her up at night. I don't think she particular loves the idea of relationships right now. She may find it rather stressful.

Gauel

Career: (Page of Pentacles) I just got; she is a force to be reckon with, not sure what that means. There are opportunities she is looking ahead to. It seems this month she will be focused on some work activities. It seems fairly new, due to her being represented by a Page. She may need to do her due diligence to proceed with this goal or project she is working on. It seems she will be focused on her craft for this month. I am also getting someone may give her a proposition or some type of work.

Love: (Trust) This flew out rather quickly lol She is open to new love for this month. It seems she isn't trying to worry about things too much, it is like if it happens, it happens. She will trust in the universe to make things happen. As of now she is going with the flow. If there is someone in her life, she is open and ready to step into whatever it will be with faith and trust.

Rei

Career: (Justice) The Justice card is like my least favorite card in Tarot, but in this deck, it hits different, I find this card so cool! Anyway, she seems like she will be powerful, standing on her throne. She may be seeking some sort of Justice. She is very fair, logical and rational when it comes to her career for this month. It seems she will have a lot to say, maybe about her treatment, who know, not sure how she is treated, but there is a need to seek fairness and express her needs. She will definitely have a lot of tact when it comes her career.

Love: (Reach out) I believe this is like the 3 of Pentacles in Tarot, but the keyword is reach out here. In love she may need to work on collaboration and partnership. She may need to learn in relationships that this is a team effort and not to try to do things on her own. She may have the tendency to do so. I do feel this also has to do with her relationships/partnerships with others in her work, maybe even the members. I don't see this being as much about her love life tbh Not sure there is much going on there. This gives me more about loving partnerships she has around her, rather than romantic, but this can apply to romantic ones as well. I think in love she will need a strong foundation and support system.

Wonyoung

Career: (3 of Wands) I love how she gave me some keywords when I pulled the card out lol The first message was expansion, so she may want to expand in her career for this month, she may want to travel. She has a vision of what she wants to do, but it will be a pretty long process. This card gives me traveling, so she may be doing that this month. But she sees the long journey ahead and is willing to endure what she can to get where she wants to go. She will be looking ahead for this month. She is passionate and driven, but also understands things take time. I can also see this as her waiting for an opportunity to come as well. This may be a long month for her with this card. But nothing too bad, just a long process to get things done.

Love: (Seek) The first message I got, was seek and you shall find. Maybe she sees love like that. It seems she may be open to receive love from someone if she finds the right person. She may be searching for that someone. I do feel she has found peace within herself as well, so she is fine being by herself and finding the right person for her. No matter what, she has found peace in regard to her love life.

Liz

Career: (King of Cups) There may be a caring male figure who will help her out and give her advice for this month. This could also be her energy as someone emotional stable and compassionate. She may be the one who helps others out and gives loving sound advice to others who are struggling around her. This doesn't say much about her career or of there are any opportunities for her. Just that she will be in an emotional, loving space for this month. She will be emotional stable and taking care of as well.

Love: (Moving On) She also got the card detached as well, so for this month she is ready to move on from love. She may be leaving being a past partner. She is kind of over love at the moment. She may be focused on herself or doing some soul searching at the moment. I don't see her engaging in love for this month. I heard, I got to work on myself, so that is what she may do.

Leeseo

Career: (Queen of Swords) She will be very powerful and vocal in her career this month. She comes off very smart, savy and knowledgeable and she will utilize that this month. She is very good at expressing herself without being too emotional. She is also good at listening and open to new ideas that comes to her. Overall, she will be using her intellect to help her in her career. With this energy, she can be pretty good with words, if she doesn't write lyrics, she should try to do that. This girl is very smart, so she should use that to navigate her career this month.

Love: (Feeling alone) She may feel lonely at the moment. She may be away from a partner, or she just feels alone in general, she may miss her loved one, meaning family. I am not sure she has found comfort in herself or her surroundings, so that may be why she may feel alone. She may be seeking a partner to fulfill her in some ways, but at the end of the day if she isn't happy by herself, a partner won't really fill her, it comes from within her. She may also feel like she lacks support as well.

Okay, this took me longer than I expected, got more messages than I thought I would get. Hope you enjoyed this reading. And wish these girls the best for this month.

[autistichalsin]

hello, i'm the anon who shared about my creepy coworker and old boss. i'm sorry for the word vomit earlier, all i wanted was to say how halsin makes me feel safe to say 'no' without fear of getting lashed out.

...but my mind went haywire, all the feelings and memories i held deep inside broke the proverbial dam securing it in place.

i appreciate everything you said, i truly do. i cried so much tears i never bothered to shed for the longest time, just letting everything go. it scared me, acknowledging the reality and all the emotions attached to that incident.

for once i am finally seen and heard, and i feel a little better... yet of course i know i wouldn't be able to truly move on unless i go to therapy.

unfortunately where i'm from, it's a little expensive to seek therapy for things like this, and there's a lot of stigma towards individuals seeking help/counseling and even talks of mental health itself.

i could never confide any of this horrors to my parents, my childhood home isn't a safe place. my own mother always had scathing words towards people who aren't mentally sound. she'd never understand me, and with how she speaks ill about others in unfortunate situations, i'm sure they'll blame me too just like how my old boss blamed me for the misfortune that happened to me.

perhaps someday i could step forward, go to therapy and unpack all this baggage to truly heal...

...for now i'll just enjoy the moment where i get to imagine Halsin being so kind and understanding towards me. a little solace and safe haven for my heart and mind.

again, thank you so much for being a safe space to share my little obsession with Halsin and for everything else. i look forward to reading more of your Halsin analysis, your headcannons and fanfics, it's always a joy seeing you around here.

[i word vomited again, i'm sorry.]

Hello again, anon! First of all, this is for you and for anyone else who might be reading: when I said my inbox and DMs were open for anyone who needed to talk, I meant it. (Yes, that goes for you, whoever is reading this and thinking I don't mean you. I mean you too.) I have gotten such an insane amount of kindness from this community- more than anything, I want to repay it. Both because it's the right thing to do, and because it's the Halsin thing to do. (Well, and for one other reason, but honestly that's another post, I don't want to derail your ask.) All that to say: you have nothing to apologize for, word vomit or not. I said my inbox was open, and you needed someone to talk to, and I'm so happy that you trusted me with this.

I'm sorry you had to have that moment alone. That moment of letting go is such a scary thing, and I'm so angry that everyone in your real life isn't being what you need. You deserve to have someone there to take care of you while this happening, and I'm so sorry you don't.

Therapy is important, but it isn't hopeless without therapy. There are ways around it. For example, here's a fun fact that I know because I'm studying to be an epidemiologist, and mental health epidemiology is a big interest of mine. Did you know that when you do statistical studies on who develops PTSD after trauma, one of the biggest protective factors- things that makes it less likely- is having a strong support system from friends and loved ones? Like, we can literally quantify this with numbers. Having friends and family around makes it less likely to develop PTSD. It is never too late to build that support system, and if you're in a place where mental health is stigmatized, well... that's the great thing about making online friends. It may not change what happened, or the environment you physically live in, but it can give you a place where you can be heard. And that can help you a lot more than you would think. If you can't get therapy, it's not hopeless; it just means you do the work of healing differently.

I'm sorry your family isn't safe to be with. But there are people out there, in this community and otherwise, who are. It's not hopeless. And just know that you deserve better than being blamed for this by people you love and trust.

I hope that one day you can have therapy and the healing you deserve, but until then, just know that Halsin is on your side and rooting for you, and so are those of us who also love this character. We all want you to heal- and we would all happily shank the bastard who hurt you given a chance.

I am glad I could be safe for you, and thank you so much for your kind words. They truly mean everything for me.

And you never, ever have to apologize for "word vomiting", friend. Let it all out. If my inbox is the only place you have that you feel safe to do it, then I am gonna take that seriously and I want to hear every word! I don't always have the right things to say, but I can always "listen", and who knows? Maybe someone else will read this and have something to say too.

I may not be able to change how shitty the world treated you, but the least I can do is give you one place where you can be treated with the dignity and kindness you deserve.

[give-soup-please]

I am absolutely tickled pink as the saying goes - it seems like Munchies is becoming a detective and trying to figure out who I am. (It's me, May again if that wasn't obvious)

Just a few responses to things: So I think "Home" was denied, but they DO have Book, Face, and Workplace are copywritten! They do have specific things in relation to that (not the word itself but them being apps and whatever) but here's a comprehensive list of all of their trademarks and how they're trademarked: https://about.meta.com/brand/resources/meta/our-trademarks/

Having self care/accountability partners is probably the only way I'm actually alive and semi-healthy today, so I'd be honored to add you to the list. I forgot to drink water today before I went to make this response, so I'm drinking a whole water bottle now, starting while I write this.

I honestly find all discourse on Tumblr or any other social media platform to be particularly annoying and frustrating. If it's not about something genuinely problematic then just... stop. Thank you for that writing, I've re-read it at least six times at this point, honestly. Anyways, I just wanted to talk about Munchies being curious and I figured I'd use it to respond to your own response... to my responses... because I found that curiosity absolutely hilarious. I'll give her a hint, though - she messaged me. Take care, please, I'd be terribly sad if you hurt yourself. Your slightly anonymous friend, ~May

curiouser and curiouser... a small favor, May- if i can ask it. please don't tell me who you are just yet. i enjoy having a mystery friend. munchies definitely knows who you are as far as i can tell, and when she put in what your username on discord might have potentially be, i asked her to delete it haha

i like the spice of a good mystery, it adds flavor to life. you're very intriguing, and i'm basing that off your writing style and the content of your messages. of course, if you wish to reveal yourself to me directly, go right ahead. but i'd hate for things to get revealed too soon. (as a side note, i am incredibly loopy from tackling final projects, and i have no idea how my tone is coming off here. i'm hoping it isn't too 'disney villain'. my brain is very fried. i'm trying to say that wondering who you could be is a source of fun for me, even if we've never interacted in places besides tumblr before. you're welcome to reveal who you are on your own time, if you wish.)

pretty entertaining stuff from facebook, i'll say.

good on you for drinking water. i'll try and do the same.

i hear you on tumblr discourse, my friend. i've seen people write dissertation length arguments on stuff that isn't that important, and it's exhausting. i use this phrase a lot, but i do cultivate who i follow and who i pay attention to very carefully.

i will... do my best to not self sabotage, but not without sighing and grumbling about it. i have nine days of school left before summer, and it's just a matter of not doing anything too self destructive during that time. this is something that happens every year around this time, and i do my best to make smart choices and keep out of trouble. my friends are being kept up to date on how i feel, and they know what to do if i start to spiral or head down a bad road. (for friends who have known me in the long term, 3+ years, we have systems built in place for this kind of thing. my support network is strong, even when i'm not.)

but! then summer will start, and i know what will happen. a week or two in, the stress will shed off, and i'll return to my usual soft and happy self for the duration of the season. i'm looking forward to that version of me reappearing, because here's the secret.

that's the real me. and that version is my favorite one.

[rickie-the-storyteller]

Steph's Crew - Character Breakdown

Intro:

This is a kind of bonus part lol.

So we’ve reached the halfway mark in the story. There are 10 parts to go with these dialogue plans (I have written all of them, but I want to look over them/edit them thoroughly before I post them, you know?), and I wanted to give you guys something before I post the rest of the story.

This post is a little breakdown of all of the main members of Stephanie's friend group. I hope you enjoy!

Stephanie:

This is kind of how I imagined her to look (more or less).

Stephanie is the main character, as the title might suggest. Here are a few things to know about her.

She is mixed race.

She grew up in the foster care system. Because of this, she is used to never really feeling like she belongs anywhere, and has moved around a lot in her life (she currently lives in London - that is where this story is set).

She ran away from her most recent foster home a short while after the death of her foster sister Melanie. She never had the best relationship with Melanie, and so the news of her death was something that deeply affected her in a lot of ways.

She doesn't talk about her past much. Understandable, since its a lot.

She has a strong personality and is a natural leader. She is charismatic, rebellious, feisty and has a sharp sense of humour.

She is the ringleader of her friend group and is usually the one that decides what they are going to do together. She kind of gives off Tori Vega vibes in that sense lol (the main character from Victorious. Anyone remember that show? Good times). She's the new girl in school and had been attending there for less time than any of them, and has already kind of appointed herself to be the unspoken leader. And everyone just goes with it...

She is mostly a good friend, but there are times throughout the story when she just isn't... I mean, she's nice, usually. Fun to be around, supportive and wise when she gives advice. But she can also be very toxic when you think about it - she's selfish and has a bit of a mean streak, she's super manipulative and has an unfortunate habit of pushing others around, pressuring friends to do what she wants them to and then pushing them away when things don't go the way she wants them to. She has a tendency to attack/exclude others when they hurt her.

She has a boyfriend named Benedict Leigh (and she is the only person in the group that is in a romantic relationship with someone from start to finish). He is older than her by about 2-3 years, and she is about 18 years old, so he is out of school.

Bret:

This is how I think he'd look like:

(Or some sort of compilation of the two, idk)

Here are a few things you should know about Bret.

He is the slacker friend lol. He doesn't care about school, work, or following rules... he just wants to hang out with friends, let loose and party.

He is also the troublemaker of the group. I mean, more so than all the others (they all get into trouble at some point in the story lol). He swears excessively, does drugs, drinks alcohol, and even comes to school high (because it apparently helps him relax in stressful environments). He gets in trouble a lot.

He is unapologetically himself. He doesn't conform to expectations and he challenges authority (to the point where he is disrespectful towards authority figures like teachers). He says and does whatever he wants and doesn't feel the need to hold anything back. It is admirable on some level but can be incredibly insensitive and selfish, too (depending on what it is).

He is an orphan. Both his parents died in a car accident a few months ago, and he currently lives with his aunt Rachel. Their relationship is rough at first, but it improves with time.

He kind of lets himself go because he can't deal with stressful situations well (the story kind of implies that he was much more put together before he moved in with his aunt).

He is struggling a lot with depression and grief. He is still hurting a lot from losing his parents, and he hasn't really brought himself to care about anything in his life since their death.

He tries hard to improve himself and become a responsible young adult, but he struggles a lot (he finds it difficult to fully let go of his toxic old habits and mindsets).

Elise:

Here is Elise!

Some things to know about El...

She's our resident bookworm. She loves to read - she's almost always seen with a book. And she's blonde, too, because not all blondes are automatically stupid.

Elise met Steph first out of anyone in the group. When Steph was new to the school, Elise was chosen to show her around, and this was how they first became friends (and Stephanie still considers Elise to be her best friend to this day). They are kind of an unlikely pair, considering how different they are as people. Though they care about each other, they have a lot of disagreements because they have different values and opinions on how to deal with situations.

Elise is also really close with Bret, who again, is very very different from her lol. They are probably the two most further apart personalities in the friend group. But they have known each other for the longest amount of time (they have been friends since primary school). She's implied to have a crush on him... for some reason, I don't know.

She is kind of the odd one out personality-wise... but she doesn't mind it all that much. She stands out as being the only member of the crew that isn't all that rebellious, doesn't like partying and doesn't drink alcohol (despite being old enough to). She is quiet, sensible and studious, and she gets top grades in all her classes.

She is super organised and appears to have her life together (which is why Bret asks her for help with getting his life together. That's a whole thing in the story lol). She always has a plan (and a backup plan) and brings everything she knows she might need. And extras, just in case.

She's super kind and helpful, always willing to help those who might need support (which makes her a very good friend). But she does have her limits.

She's kind of meant to be the only introvert in a group full of more extroverted characters. This doesn't necessarily mean that she is shy/a pushover, though. She stands up for herself and fights for what she believes is right, even if her views are unpopular.

Dylan:

This is what Dylan kind of looks like in my head.

Some information about Dylan...

He's a charming, fun-loving and enthusiastic guy - always up for anything (even if it sounds dangerous or stupid).

He's the jock friend. He is tall and fit, and he plays a lot of sports. Not really a hugely relevant part of the story, but it is something that comes up.

He is a really good friend - kind, supportive, stands up for them when needed. He often gets stressed out and takes out his frustration on others undeservedly, though, which isn't very good.

He is closest with Alice, and he often goes to her when he needs help and support/encouragement. He also gets on well with Steph, and he asks her for advice a lot.

He is way smarter than he looks/acts lol (he's the only person in the friend group aside from overachiever Elise that consistently gets good grades in school).

He appears to have his life together on surface level (he has his friends, he gets good grades, he's well liked and fit and sporty, etc), but he actually struggles a lot behind the scenes. He is terrible at opening up about his problems, though.

He has a lot of family drama. His parents are divorced, his mother is getting married to someone else and is moving away, and he has a rocky relationship with his dad (with whom he and his younger brother are living with currently).

Alice:

And finally, we have Alice.

I think the second one looks cuter, but the first one kind of shows her attitude a little bit more lol. And it's accurate to her personality, too.

Anyways, here is some stuff about Alice that you need to know.

She is the one with the the most sarcastic/sassy sense of humour. She is also the most insecure. She definitely hides a lot of her fears/insecurities behind her humour lol (I mean, same).

She has a twin sister, Mary, who goes to a different school. She doesn't mind that - it allows her to make her own identity separate from being a twin.

She kind of puts pressure on herself to be a perfect daughter (and make up for not being super smart and talented like her sister), but she finds out that her parents don't really care about her being "perfect" necessarily, as long as she is happy and doing the best she can.

She feels out of place in her friend group because she doesn't feel like she is as interesting as the rest of them.

Although she is super self-deprecating, she's also willing to work on herself and aim to be better and try harder. An example of this is her grades - she doesn't do too well at the start, but she works hard and sacrifices hanging out with her friends to make more time to study after seeing one of her friends get an A in a really hard paper. By the end, she shows drastic improvement from the start.

Some others:

Ben - Benedict Leigh. Stephanie's boyfriend. He takes her in when she runs away from her foster home and they have been together for a while.

Rachel - Bret's aunt that he lives with after his parent's death. She loves Bret with all her heart and just wants him to be happy. She also really ships him with Elise.

The crew's parents - the main characters each have different relationships with their parents. Alice is close with her parents and tries hard to follow their rules. Elise loves her parents but gets frustrated with them for setting such high expectations for her and not giving her the freedom to live her life and make her own choices. Dylan rarely gets to see his mum anymore since the split (and he is always at odds with his dad), Bret's parents are both dead, and Stephanie never knew her real parents.

Sam - Dylan's younger brother. They are close, but they do still argue sometimes. He is incredibly wise for his age (sometimes he is arguably smarter than Dylan lol)

Mary - Alice's highly gifted identical twin. Alice describes her as "too smart for normal people school" lol. Mary is confident in herself and is a really wise and supportive sister, often encouraging Alice and picking her up when she is down. She is also optimistic, and sees the good in everyone.

Melanie - Stephanie's deceased foster sister. She mysteriously dies around the time Stephanie ran away from her foster home to live with Ben. Steph is deeply affected by Mel's death, and she still suffered with nightmares and guilt from how she left things with her, as well as the rest of her foster family.

And there you have it! These are my wonderful original characters.

And some images to give you an idea of what they look like in my head. I got these images using Bing Image Creator lol.

Let me know what you think! Do you guys have any favourites?

[a-real-ghost]

Hey, genuine question here - are we not allowed to find people pathetic, sad, ridiculous, and /also/ dangerous and symptomatic of a failing system? Like - yes these people are fucking Nazis. Also, they look fucking stupid and it's funny to laugh at them.

These people want me dead. These people want us dead. Can I personally do anything about that right now? No. I really can't. Nothing that I as an individual will do can change anything that they have already done. I can spread awareness, I can highlight these atrocities, and I can support people in need - but that's it.

For my life, as an individual, I can choose from of a couple approaches.

1: I can get furious and angry.

2: I can get depressed and hopeless.

3: I can laugh at them.

Now, for me, this is how that math breaks down.

Giving into anger right now doesn't help me or anyone else around me - because I have no way of directly affecting the situation. All it would do is take away from the things that I do on a daily basis to try and help. It takes my focus away from helping people in need and turns it towards harming those who have done wrong. Except that the people in need are right in front of me, while the people who have done wrong (and continue to do so) are out my reach. Personally, I want to spend my energy where it has the most impact.

I can't afford to fall into hopelessness right now. That leads to inaction and further harm. There are things that need doing, and there are people who need help. Allowing despair to take over because there is nothing I can do sabotages the things that I can do.

Laughing at the shitty dumbfucks who do shit like this, mocking them, and showing that they do not scare me helps me survive to tomorrow. It lets me keep moving. People like this care about their image, they care about looking strong and scary and frightening - and I'm not going to give them what they want.

Are they a threat? Absolutely yes. Are they dangerous? Yes. Are they being aided and empowered by facist "law enforcement" that let these jackasses operate? Yes. Do they look fucking stupid? Yes. These things can all be true - and just because someone points out one of these things doesn't inherently mean that they disagree with any of the others. I'm still 100% willing, able, and eager to send these fuckers to their god the moment I get the chance to - making fun of them doesn't change that.

(this isn't to even mention the fact that I am physically disabled, so my ability to go out and wage war on the front lines against these fascists is pretty reduced anyways - we can't all be soldiers)

Shit like this is highlights how fucking hard it will be to successfully beat these fascists - because while they're out there killing people we're over here implying things that nobody said, acting in bad faith, and taking our communities apart. People aren't perfect, they aren't always going to say the right thing. If we keep assuming the worst in people, we're going to show everyone who is watching that we don't actually care about doing the right thing. We show people that the actions they take, the beliefs they hold, the work that they do, that it is all /meaningless/ if they do a single thing wrong.

Look, I'll even be fully up front with you. I used to be a horrible person. I was a racist, I was sexist, homophobic, transphobic, the whole fucking bag. I grew up in a shithole town in the middle of fucking nowhere and didn't know any better. And when I started doing the work to learn, people who acted like you shoved me right the fuck back down into it. People who act like this made it worse. Do you know what pulled me out of it? What showed me the error of my ways and made me realize the monster I had been? People who reached out and told me why things were wrong - people who didn't assume that I was evil, but knew that I didn't know any alternatives.

- Sidenote -

because I know that you're going to assume shit that I didn't say: people obviously have absolutely no obligation to go out of their way to educate people about the struggles that they face I'm a trans woman and I don't have to explain to anybody why calling me a tranny is not okay, or why misgendering is cruel, or all the intricacies of the bullshit that I face - I also have no fucking obligation to attack people who are even remotely on my side. I have no obligation to take the people who don't know any better and compare them to the facist pigs that we're up against. I don't have to make things worse. I'd take 100 well intentioned idiots on my side over 1 intentional murderer on the other.

- End sidenote -

Fascists win because we keep fighting with ourselves. We're going to have to work with people who we don't agree with 100% to win this shit. This purity testing bullshit just keeps us angry at each other. I mean fuck - that's what the fuck racism in America is all about at its core: you keep poor white people blaming poor black people for their problems, and then the poor white people make the poor black people fucking pissed at them (rightfully so) and nobody ever notices that it's the rich fuckers on top who win every time. It's playing right into their fucking game, and it's stupid.

- sidenote 2 -

Yes I absolutely fucking know that racism is more complicated and in depth than this, and I know that racism has been a problem long before the American capitalist system intentionally turned white indentured servants (slaves) against black enslaved people (slaves who had it vastly vastly vastly worse) so that neither group was able to rise up against the people who owned them. I know that there is more to it, and I know that what I have said is a massive oversimplification of the reality of racism across the world. I also understand that racism in America is not exclusively a black vs white situation, and I was simpling using one example to highlight the point that I was making:

The people in power want us to keep fighting each other, because if we put aside our differences and went against the people actually responsible we would fucking win.

- end sidenote 2 -

Yes it fucking sucks to deal with ignorant people. Fuck I'm still a complete dumbass about a lot of things - but I'm taking the time to learn. Quit shooting the people on your fucking team, learn what the enemy looks like, and learn to pick your fucking battles. We're on the same fucking side here, we can worry about the specifics once the fucking fascists are gone.

- final note -

I understand that shit like this is scary and isolating, and I know you aren't a bad person. I know that you're trying your best to survive in a world that is actively trying to kill us. There are things that you know and experience that I do not, and the perspective you have on the world is important and valuable. There are many things that I am certain you would be able to share with me that would expand my perspective and highlight cruelties and atrocities that I had not imagined before - and once I knew what those were I would do my utmost to try and help. Everyone is doing the best they can, with the resources they have available. I hope that there is light and happiness in your life, and I hope that we all get to see a dawn when we are truly free from this facist hellscape. You are not alone in this fight, we outnumber them. We will win.

and then ppl are like “why don’t you like the police” this is why, they are protecting their own, and their own are nazis

[i-love-hobbies]

Eda and Lilith similarities

1. Both got roasted by Luz

"Cards the paper rectangles that old people think are fun!"

"The real mystery is how Lilith can be both so smart and yet so wrong at the same time. Academics am I right?"

2. Both are hard-working, powerful and physically strong

3. Both care a lot for people that are close to them

4. Both don't respect each others opinion

5. Both cope with childish behaviour, recklessness and apple blood

Differences

1. Being adult figures in children's lifes

Eda is an only parent of someone from another species and a temporary guardian to someone from another dimension, which in her world means their future is questionable and one has food allergies. She isn't a perfect one and is not nice towards kids that don't live in her house.

Lilith is an almost child murderer and is jealous of a sixteen year old. She trauma projected on her nephew. But she also saved King's life twice and Luz's ones.

2. Powers

As a wild witch the owl lady learned in every way, even from school by sneaking in classes. My guess is that this made learning extremely fun for her. This made it possible for her to continue to learn even as an adult.

She also learns through experimentation which means before she learned the basics, she almost got herself killed a lot of times. I'm assuming that she survived thanks to Lilith.

As a cult member, she is someone who never questioned authority, this comes from the fact that she was neglected as a child and needed validation.

At first this helped, cause both she and Eda are alive. But the school in the boiling isles took away her curiosity and joining the coven didn't help.

I believe both sisters had the same amount of talent and hunger for power but the enjoyment was the deciding factor. And this factor was a big one.

3. Showing care

Thanks to running away from the system, the criminal made an emotionally supportive system around her.

She is very mature. The show hasn't yet explained where she learned all this. Best guess for now is Raine, but were both of them that smart at such a young age.

She is selfless, but she also knows how not to be self-sacrificing. That's pretty rare, though to be fair it's not the perfect balance.

There are a lot of mistakes she has made though, but I think all of them can be fixed if she learns to open up, cause her other mistakes always happen when she's too scared or is trying to feel more.

The cop is easily in the top two most immature people in the show. (Fighting for the first spot with Hunter.)

I guess thirty years of isolation with someone, that used the fact that his system had influenced her to be very vulnerable to manipulation, does stuff to a person.

She's either self-sacrificing or ruining someone else's life, usually both. Considering her main motivation is caring, this is painful to watch.

The most mature we've seen her so far, obviously it's after she left the coven, was her acknowledgment of Hooty's efforts and more impressively her not using the fact she's better at glyphs than Eda to make fun of her.

Problem is she overworked herself while having a new curse.

Then s2ep4 happened and she trauma projected on a child, I'm expecting she's nowhere close to realising that was a bad idea.

She also left Hooty after telling him "Are you my mother, cause that's an awful lot of judgement?" without apologizing.

Luckily she's writing supportive letters, so it didn't hit him that much.

Her decision to leave had me facepalm. She just left a person, that has been dealing with the complexities of her being in the coven for thirty years and is easily the only thing that kept her sane and her new friend for someone that for one day acknowledged her existence.

Plus by the way they talked about the father he hasn't visited her at all.

We've already seen the negative effects from this choice on Eda and Hooty, can't wait for hers.

I refuse to believe that this is gonna end well, cause it's possible but it's gonna be luck. And the lesson from this will be "Parents with good intentions change in a day." And trust me when I tell you that is far from the truth.

My parents have been changing, but so freaking slowly it hurts. Fairly they were more flawed and now a bit better than Gwen but still the change has been taking place my whole childhood and until now I've either been refused help or gotten stuck with a bad mental health professional.

Only now am I getting actual help. I'm expecting a speed run after sixteen years of unintentional parental abuse but it's not gonna happen in a day and it's foolish to believe so.

Also we didn't see her watching King's video on her sister's account. Which has to mean something. Why did they show everyone but her?

4. Respecting others

Eda was the favourite child or at the very least she got a lot of attention for being younger. Also I refuse to believe that her parents did anything about her "breaking the classroom" behaviour.

But she respects a lot of people's opinions. Whether it's a bard with stage fright, a child from unknown species or a teen from another dimension. She's gotten close to all three of them. And they have all shaped her point of view (except for Raine but fairly enough we know nothing about their relationship with her).

So what about her complete "I don't care about Lilith's point of view."

Well it's not just her. It's a huge hatred towards "Belos is a saint." She grew up in this system, she had this opinion at one point herself. She isn't hearing anything new from her.

She doesn't have a right to laugh at her but she has a right to refuse to talk about it with someone that refuses to go beyond "It's just the right thing."

Talking about that, it took Eda almost dieing for this stubbornness to shake. No one could tell her Belos is wrong.

On top of that she lived (and "lives" but that's kinda debatable) with huge amounts of fear from both Belos and thanks to his gaslighting, Eda and was working a job that asked of her to be a workoholic.

This makes her emotionally exhausted which makes it hard for her to question stuff. How do you do that when you can barely think?

Eda worked on her laughing in the beginning of season 2 but I'm not sure how she'll act now. Because after Raine seemingly died, she acted awful towards Hunter. She needs ways of handling her trauma outside of making fun of people.

Lilith did too. Firstly, she commited treason and she was also quite open to King being the king of demons.

Now, it was idiotic to believe in it. She's shaking between Belos is always right and wild magic is always right. She needs middle ground.

What's funny is Eda has found the middle ground that works for herself. She's reading books from the local library and is known for being a wild witch.

Because she's scared of hurting others she isolated herself and that gave the wrong impression to the fandom.

She's the one that believes in the healing and potions covens, not her mom.

5. Recklessness

Eda has a one-sided grudge against a twelve year old. I will never shut up about this.

When she was young she broke everything in sight. But now at the very least she's not breaking her own house.

I think it's a bit better.

For before I think it was ignorance, because she was a child. But now it's her coping. She knows better than this.

Everything the ex coven head does is without thinking, even Eda's rescue.

She can't go beyond "Well she is my sister and we had a good past with each other."

"And how can you prove that she hasn't changed?"

"Well, she saved my life and I actually played a game with her."

If she can say the last sentence, ignore me but I don't know if she can.

Honestly I just wanted to compare the good and bad, but I ended up saying Lilith didn't have a life. And honestly she didn't. She wasn't a positive in anyone's life including her own. She was doing her best to become a robot. She doesn't have opinions or ideas of her own that she respects.

Eda said the words "It's my power, kid and before you showed I spend my whole life wasting it." Eda wasted her powers by isolating herself from people, but she didn't waste her mind. Lilith wasted both.

Her importance in Eda's childhood is the only positive, because she didn't respect herself. Her thirty years in the coven was straight up waste. Nothing positive to both her and others happened, after an action of hers in that period and that's just sad.

It's not too late for her obviously. It's never too late for people that want to change. She was already living. She had a new friend. She was restoring her relationship with Eda. She was begining to have her own opinions... AND THEN SHE JUST LEFT.

I know this is good writing, because everyone goes through their ups and downs. Plus Lilith's biggest fears recently came to life.

[agent-cupcake]

Can I ask your opinion? So, I feel like everyone into 3H is in love with Dimitri, but I can't connect with him. I don't dislike him, but I feel like there isn't much to his personality without all his various mental health issues. It's hard to get a feel on what he's really like, so I end up just seeing him as a walking ball of trauma and not a three-dimensional character. Do you have any thoughts on Dimitri himself and how to separate him as a person from his psychological issues? Thanks!

Hmm, I guess my first thought is that everyone resonates with characters differently and so if you don’t particularly feel connected to him, that’s not wrong. Fictional parasocial relationships are very similar to real-life relationships, so it follows that nobody is going to like every character. I can’t say that a portion of my love for his character doesn’t come from his mental issues because that’s something I personally relate to and feel drawn to in others. That’s just who I am and how I build relationships. There is also something to be said for the unavoidable way mental illness informs a person’s behavior and character, it’s as much an aspect of them as being born with blond hair or losing an eye.

That said, I will do my best to explain why I think Dimitri is wonderful. Not in spite of his mental illness, but because I don’t think that’s all he is.

So, Dimitri is, as he says, a very clumsy person. This unfortunately extends to his social skills. He has a lot of very socially awkward tendencies and a general lack of self-awareness. This contrasts with his innate desire to please people, or at least avoid upsetting anyone. The thing is, Dimitri doesn’t always completely understand what upsets people or how exactly they might feel. His childhood isolation left him rather emotionally unaware and desperate for the acceptance and approval of others. That’s not to say he doesn’t try to understand other people’s feelings, but it’s not an intuitive process. He has a habit of saying kind of dumb or uncomfortable things out of nowhere, which is most likely his real feelings coming out in rather inept ways. He means well, but he’s just so dang clumsy.

The desperation to be included and validated I mentioned, I think, can be seen in the way he tries so hard to make the other Blue Lions see him as a peer and equal all the while keeping himself rather closed off from them. Dimitri approaches conversations as a means of focusing on the other person, trying to make an appeal to them rather than as an interaction where both parties could be seen as vulnerable. Of course, just like most other socially awkward introverts, he opens up when he feels closer to the person, but that takes a while. Gotta unlock the supports, you know? Although it’s not necessarily obvious, his incredibly stiff behavior (especially pre-timeskip) and the way he switches between overly formal and awkwardly friendly in his interactions with people as he tries to figure out how to socially and emotionally navigate relationships really gives me the impression of someone trying desperately to fit in without even the faintest clue of how to actually manage that. He also does his best to avoid social situations, which, mood. Basically, Dimitri’s a big dumb massive introvert trying to act like he’s not.

FURTHERMORE, he is a dork. An absolute goof of a person. Dimitri canonically thinks so-bad-its-good puns and jokes are hilarious. His own style of telling jokes is saying things that may or may not have contextual humor in a normal voice and then claiming after the fact that he intended it as such. Now, his supports with Alois are absolute factual proof of the so-bad-its-good humor, but might I also direct your attention to the scene before the battle against Miklan in Conand Tower (the event name is “Tower in a Storm (Blue Lions)”). Basically, Gilbert is explaining the history behind Conand Tower and Dimitri says, in an incredibly earnest voice, “You’re very well informed, Gilbert. Please, tell us more.” This is a joke. Supposed to be, at least. The delivery is somewhat emphasized, but not in a recognizably sarcastic way. Gilbert, who knew Dimitri very well when he was young, realizes it’s a joke after a second. But there are other things Dimitri says that I believe are his bad “jokes” and since nobody knows him well enough to tell, they don’t call him on it. There’s no proof, but his line in the Lord’s intro where he says, “And here I thought you were acting as a decoy for the sake of us all.” to Claude has to be an attempt at sarcasm. Dimitri is oblivious, but not stupid. In his Goddess Tower conversation with Byleth, when discussing the topic of wishes, he says, “Perhaps it would make more sense for me to wish that we’ll be together forever. What do you think?” In a completely normal voice. Following are two speech bubbles of “...” before he laughs and proclaims that it’s just a joke and that he’s getting better at telling them. Now, this is a two-parter because I see this as both his horribly awkward tendency to say things he feels without thinking too hard beforehand as well as his silly deadpan style of “jokes”. Granted, he does apologize. Dimitri’s got socially awkward zoomer humor. It’s endearing.

Here is a video of Dimitri hitting on Byleth pre-timeskip. I’m not sure how far it goes to endear someone to him, but the mostly awkward and occasionally smooth attempts of Dimitri’s flirtations are absolutely a highlight of his character. 

Now, this isn’t quite as cute as all that, but I think character arc and change do a lot for making a character feel more three-dimensional. Dimitri is hypocritically selfish. Although those are both negative terms, I don’t necessarily mean them as such, at least not in their totality. Both are things to overcome, which he does. And that’s why I feel like they’re a valid point of discussion when trying to explain the allure of his character.

The hypocritical part comes from the way he easily allows and forgives the flaws of others while constantly castigating himself for the same reasons. He says things that show an absurd amount of a lack of self-awareness. For example, he tells Edelgard, “Hm. You will prove a lacking ruler yourself if you look for deceit behind every word and fail to trust those whom you rely on.” All the while straight-up lying to and emotionally avoiding his friends. Dimitri also tells Marianne, when she is punishing herself for putting other people at risk, “What matters is that they came back safely in the end. You shouldn’t blame yourself for that.” Really, his C and B with Marianne is an exercise in hypocrisy. The standards Dimitri has for himself are incredibly, unattainably high. He’s setting himself up for failure in that way and, to an extent, knows what he’s doing because he knows that those same standards are too much for his friends and allies to meet. He wishes to take on everything himself. But, what I find so beautiful about this, is that Dimitri eventually realizes that he can’t do that. He is not strong enough to take on the weight of the world on himself, he comes to understand that it’s something he must allow himself to share with the people who care about him. He comes to realize that, as difficult as it is to accept, he is a weak person. Despite all of his introversion and inability to emotionally open up, he figures out that having a support system and allowing yourself to rely on people who love you is a necessity. Personally, I think this message is incredibly important in real life. Watching Dimitri come to that conclusion and argue it’s importance really rounded out his arc and journey as a person. Now, the relatability of this conclusion will differ, but I don’t think it has to do with his mental illness as much as it is a fundamental aspect of growth.

The selfishness is basically outlined above. Dimitri is selfish about his pain and secrets, purposefully and selfishly driving people away because he wants to keep the burden to himself. His vice is guilt and he indulges in the pain of it like an addiction. Hatred, too, is a drug. He thinks he needs it to keep going, even though all it does is bring agony to himself and others around him. Learning to accept and let go of these feelings is, again, something I think is important and a character arc that I really love, especially when you see him suffer as much as he does. Now, the execution of this is lacking, I admit. But that’s an issue for another time I think.

I am not quite sure if I did much to change your opinion, but this is all I can think of for now. There is probably a lot more than I’ve left out because I think about Dimitri far too much to be healthy. So, I’ll leave you off with some honorable mention aspects of his character that I think are super fun:

Pre-timeskip Dimitri has his hair tucked behind his ear. He can lift a wagon by himself. In the DLC, when faced with an impossible-to-open gate, it was not muscle man Balthus who said he couldn’t open it, but twinkish teen Dimitri. He’s not really smooth with one-liners. Like, at all. Notably, when attacking Manuela post-timeskip, he says, “Perhaps I should have appeared before you holding a bouquet of flowers, rather than the weapon that will end your life.” Adding to this, at one point, Dimitri fucked up a pick-up line so badly the girl came after him. Areadbhar has a mitten on it in the Azure Moon final picture. He breaks everything. His Crest activation ability even supports this, using twice the durability of any given Combat Art. One of his post-timeskip counselor messages is, “I lived in the slums for a long time, and I saw how the people there suffered from poverty and the ravages of war. There must be something I can do to save them." His room in the academy is right next to Sylvain’s, meaning that for almost an entire year Dimitri was a single wall away from hearing whatever nonsense Sylvain was getting up to. Dimitri is the only Lord that takes the throne and doesn’t abandon his people in some form or another.

And, finally, he is pretty sexy. And that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

[theficplug]

Girls Trip {Erik fic}

Warnings: 18+, smut.

{reader goes on a cruise with her girls during winter break post-breakup & meets Erik when she needs him most. The intro to a series. I hope that y'all enjoy this long ass intro x}

“Told you you'd like it! We know what you need.” your friend Lynelle says as you and your other 2 best friends step into the lobby of the ship.

Your original plan was to stay home and catch up on much needed sleep and netflix binge watching during Winter Break but Khadijah, Tasha , and Lynelle (Lennie)  had other plans.

They could never get on the same page to go on a proper vacation but the one time you wanted to be left alone they've decided to get it together. 

2 plane rides and now you're here on a cruise on the way to 'paradise'.

The last few weeks went by in a blur while you were buying bikinis, trying to contain your emotions, and leaving behind your frozen over city for Bali.

You'd be lying if you said that you weren't a little excited to be leaving behind a terrible end to a 4 year relationship.

“Girl I just paid 12 dollars for Netflix this month. I planned on staying home and re-watching The Get Down. I need to at them and ask them when they're gonna add Crooklyn." You say as your phone begins to go off. 

"Uh-uh, just cause your man had community dick don't mean you gotta feel like you did something wrong. You are the sweetest and most caring person I know and gave everything you had for that man. You are a strong beautiful talented black woman. You run your own business and don't need his ass for nothing. And if I were into girls I would've been shot my shot back in the 7th grade. Now, we gon' get tipsy, dance the night away in 23$ dollar heels, and find a fine ass beard to rid-"

You quickly cut off your best friend by answering your mother's call. You held onto Khadi's hand to let her know that her support means everything to you.

"Hey Mama. Yes I made it safe and sound." You say into the phone as you shake your head and laugh at your girls. 

"HEY MA " Khadi says waving as she smiles at the woman on the other side of the phone she's known for over half her life. 

"Hello Khadijah, are you behaving yourself ?" She asks as Khadi shakes her head with her tongue sticking out.

"MY GIRL." Your mother says as they both laugh and point at each other through the screen. 

"I'll talk to you later, enjoy yourself baby. Sometimes a little fun and laughter is the cure for heartache. Love you, be safe." She says before ending the video call.

"Alright , we all meeting up for the foam pool party after the tour right? Cause I need to shower and stuff first." You say as everybody agrees

An hour or two later you were standing in front of the hotel mirror giving yourself a pep talk in your new bikini. You eyed your reflection as you tell yourself that somebody son is gonna love on your fupa, and the 3 years wasted with Derrick isn't going to matter anymore. 

"Knees. Knees. Come on knees." Khadijah yells as Lennie and Tasha  drop it low and make it clap as a chorus of 'ayyeeee' erupts in the elevator. 

You make your way down to the lobby with the girls after throwing back a few shots in Lennie's room. You past by a group of other girls in the elevator and they were blasting Cash Shit from their phone. 

"Link up with us later." Paris says from the other group before moving over to the party already happening. 

The drinks are flowing through your system and Tasha is filming you for the gram as you sing along to the music. You accidentally trip backwards onto a man behind you before immediately apologizing and giggling.

"You good mama." He says as he catches you with one hand and the other still holding his drink. Without missing a beat he twirls you to the beat so that you can play it off. 

"What's the nigga name?" He asks as he takes another sip of his drink and tries to act like he ain't see you watching the suds slide down his scarred and chiseled chest to his happy trail.  

"Excuse me?" You ask confused as he flashes his gold fanged grill and cock his head towards the phone in Tasha's hand as she gives you a quiet  'oooh shit okay'. 

"The one you tryna prove a point to. Only name that matters now though is Erik." He says as he grinds against you and move your braids to your other shoulder. 

"Alright Erik, lemme see if you can keep up then." You tease him as you begin to whine on him and ride the beat as he keeps up behind you. You realize you have an audience now with his boys glancing over at you and your girls watching him. 

His hand holds you in place before he asks if it's alright if he kissed you. You nod before you know it his soft ass lips are on yours. He pulls at your bottom lip slightly while you continue to whine on him. 

"Thank you for the dance." You say before you place one final kiss to his lips as the song ends.

You walk over to Tasha before grabbing her hand and leaving to find Lennie and Khadijah 

You knew he was still standing there watching you walk away you turned to give him a look over your shoulder with a raised brow.

"Stop watching my booty" you mouth at him jokingly 

"YOU CAN'T EVEN BLAME ME. ITS FAT AS FUCK." He yells back to you over the music.

After an hour of dancing and having a good time with friends you only checked your phone once to find 3 messages from Derrick begging you to call him then two talking about how disappointed he was with you.

You stepped out onto the upper deck to tell him to stop calling you and ruining your good time. 

"I can do what I want. I'm fucking grown. All you ever did was sit at home on your ass and criticize me for every damn thing I did. I made sure you were happy when I wasn't even okay… And fucking my cousin was your way of showing me you loved me huh? Don't call me no more and stop calling my mama asking her about me too. " You yell into the phone before hanging up.

You stand there staring out at the ocean for a moment. Trying to breathe deeply and ground yourself so that you don't cry.

"You good?" You hear a voice call from behind you.

"What, you following me now?" You ask Erik as he pulls up one of the lounge chairs to sit next to you and light his blunt. 

"Nah, not at all. I came out here to smoke and chill. All that going on in there really ain't my scene. My boys got me to come here. They got white boys in there doing backflips off the balcony and shit. I probably would've still been at work right now." He say as he exhales and leans back against the lounge chair. 

You laugh softly before shaking your head. 

"That's how I ended up here. I was planning on spending Christmas and The New Year at home with my family. But my friends had this surprise for me to ring in the new year in Bali. And now here I am. I'd still rather be watching Godfather of Harlem. I gotta catch up." You say sitting next to him in the lounge chair. He instinctively wraps his arm around you letting you lay your head on his shoulder.

Granted, it probably seemed weird as hell to be cuddling with somebody you just met and barely knew but to both of you it just felt right in the moment.

"Godfather of Harlem ? That show is my shit. It's slept on forreal… If you ever in Oakland you should stop by sometime. I run a museum based on preserving black art and culture." He scrolls on his phone until he finds some of the pieces and shows it to you. But the main thing that stood out was Stevens Black Art & History: for the culture. 

"Erik Stevens?" You gasp and sit up to get a good look at him

"Yeah , why you looking like that? What's up?" He questions

"Oh my fucking God. We was best friends back in the day. It's me, look, minus the bifocals, braces, and that James Brown bob my mama gave me damn near every day." You say and he stares at you in awe for a second. 

"Damn it's really you." You says quietly as he runs his thumb over your cheek imagining you the way you looked in 5th grade.

You loved Erik growing up and spent almost all of your time together but after his father died you didn't get to say goodbye. He was taken into the system and after that you heard that he was in the military doing who knows what. You tried to find him but after a while it was no use. You couldn't believe how different he looked now. He looked tired down by the woes of life but still as beautiful as the day you met him.

" 'Member this?" You ask as you fish your out of the pocket of your cover-up and start playing Best Friend by 50 Cent. 

You watched as he looked up at you standing up to dance. You pull him up too as he puts out the blunt while laughing and stepping with you. 

"If I was your best friend, I want you 'round all the time. Can I be your best friend, if you promise you'll be mine?" You sing to him as he twirls you around 

"First we get the talkin, then we get the touchin. If we get pass the phone games we'll be fuckin. I kiss like the french therefore my tongue in your ear. Do it like the dogs do it girl and pull on your hair. For me a different scenery just mean a different position. In the tub or on the sink I improvise now listen. In the chopper or on the jet join the mile high club. I'm no fool I know money can't buy me love. But I'm a different type of nigga that make sure that you know. Instead of a rose, there's a hundred dozen of those. See I see somethin special when I look in your eyes. With your legs way back I see this pussy is mine. If you ain't sure when I'm talkin I don't tell you no lies. But there's things that you say that have me wonderin why. When I don't say what I'm thinkin it don't mean that I'm shy. Got on that shit you picked out for me that's why I'm so fly." He raps effortlessly while kissing softly on your neck and all those memories start flashing back to you as you sway with him.

"Damn you still remember all the lyrics to our song." You say to him as you look over to see your girls and some of his friends.

"You out here ?  Bitch! I thought I was gonna have to do an interview on First 48 for yo ass. I was gon' drop a raft over to come find you. You know I can't swim and I don't got my floaties with me." Khadi says as she walks in with Tasha and Lennie . 

"I'm sorry I came out here for fresh air and then ended up literally finding my fuckin childhood best friend. Before the baddest bitches on the planet came to be. There was THEE duo. Everybody meet Erik."

After everyone got to know each other. Y'all brought the party to the secluded little upper deck with the perfect view of the ocean. You had drinks , music, and good company almost enough to forget about the whole situation back home. 

"Girl you know I love you but my feet hurt and Sebastian said he gon' rub em" referring to the man she currently had her arms around. 

"Alright , we'll meet up in the morning for breakfast" you tell them before giving them kisses goodbye and heading out with everybody. 

Tasha and Lynelle were currently singing to each other and sharing cute kisses off to the side. You couldn't help but to smile and think of how true love must feel. To love and be fully loved back like that.

You were standing in front of your opened room door when you realized that his room is across from yours but he had no plans of sleeping in it.

"Uh-uh. Who said you were invited in?" You ask Erik with your index finger on his chest. 

"I thought you said you wanted to watch Netflix? We can order room service and everything. Whatever you want" he says to you licking his lips and closing the gap between the two of you. 

"I want to forget. I want to have fun. I want to feel loved and appreciated for once. That would be nice." You say quietly as he takes his hand in yours. Pressing small kisses to each of your knuckles.

He hesitates for a moment before leaning in to kiss you slowly. He held your face in his hands as he continued to back you into the room kicking it closed with his foot. 

 "I'm glad that we found each other. After all of this time. " You say to him in between kisses

"Believe it or not I kept that picture of us. The one your mama took of us at the zoo next to the monkeys. I took it with me on tour everywhere. Right next to my mama's picture in my wallet. I never lost a battle. I made it home in one piece. Shits wild." He said zoning out for a moment like he was going somewhere else. 

"Heyyy." You call softly. You move his hands from your waist 

" I've got you." You whisper to him before leading him to your bed and laying him back. 

You wrap your arms around him almost cuddling him as you lay your head on his chest while listening to his heartbeat and sitting on his lap. 

You place a soft kiss to his lips before moving away from the bed to change, settling on a large shirt and nothing else. 

Erik followed suit and just stripped to his boxer briefs before you come back to the bed carrying soda , your laptop, and snacks. 

"And before you ask. Yes, I packed my laptop because work never stops, and yes I packed snacks because I can't find Takis out here." You say chuckling softly while he shakes his head laughing softly. 

You both settle into a comfortable position before loading up the movie. You settled on Nappily Ever After but it wasn't long before he was softly kissing on your neck with his hand under your shirt.

"Gonna eat it from the back. That's cool with you" he mumble into your ear.

If that's cool with me? BIH, I'm trying to let you give me twins. Triplets even. Play it cool. Play it cool . You thought to yourself before saying a silent apology to your girl Sanaa Lathan as you quickly moved the laptop to the bedside table.

"Damn she pretty." He says before kissing each cheek and gripping the back of your thighs. You knew what was coming next as your hands found the headboard and arched your back.

You can feel his tongue begin to explore the back of your thighs to your folds as he bends you forward. 

You hiss softly as his hand began to roam. You looked back at him as his fingers enter you. He begins to slowly and deeply work you open for him. You knew that you were dripping at this point and couldn't contain how loud you're being.

You can hear him let out a groan as he gets his first taste. Before you know it he's devouring you like you're his favourite meal and is completely in his element. His hands are massaging over your cheeks while he suckles your clit and then slides his tongue in. You begin to work your hips down onto it as he's on his knees behind you. His fingers massaging skillfully over your clit. 

"That's how you want it? It's all for you." You egg him on shakily as you reach back to grab at his dreads knowing that you're nearing your orgasm. You thought you were seeing stars but the audacity of this man bringing his hand down hard across your left then right cheek and then the pom-pom itself, did it.

Your toes curled and your head was tilted back as you continued to ride his face and the orgasmic wave crashed over you so hard it took your breath with it. 

You called out his name speaking in all types of broken Xhosa as he begin to lap you up and savour your taste. 

When you stopped shaking he sat back on the bed, proud of himself as he licked his lips. 

You turned to face him and he wasted no time continuing to massage you.

But what you hadn't realized during changing you accidentally dialed Derrick. Who's now on the other end, yelling into the phone 

{to be continued! I hope that it was alright!}

[border-spam]

Leech Lord: Quirks

Handling critique:

Troy:

He doesn't know them by name and they aren't showing respect when he turns to apprehend who just dared interrupt him rudely in front of others?

Dead. Immediately. There's no pause to hear them out or explain themself, their head will be crushed in that spined fist before he even finds out what they were about to say was criticism. There is no concern or regret over this later, he won't even care enough to remember their face.

Far more forgiving in private as he’s not needing to play up to his persona, but still - respect has to be shown.

Someone he is aware of by name/rank, or sees as having value?

Stay polite and factual and he'll listen. Hands clasped behind his back and shifting his eyes down their body as they speak, like they’re being measured, or read. He'll listen. The more numbers they can provide, the more clear data they can give that shows his information or his actions are wrong and what they are suggesting is better, the more likely he will take it on board. The God King is surprisingly polite and coldly calm when approached correctly, regardless of if he likes what he is being told.

- A close friend?

Nervous, picking at his teeth with the tips of his nails and finding it hard to meet their eyes. Hunched over himself and back bent even if he still towers over them, like a child who just wants to go hide. Stuttering. Apologetic to the point of becoming self deprecating even if what they were raising was only minor. It's not a big deal Troy, it's not, it was just some feedback. Calm down pal it's not worth getting worked up over, really. No you don't have to redo the whole thing, that's stupid come on y.. no you aren't stupid Troy, don't delete it all.. Oh, Troy.

Tyreen -

She does not hear, she does not see.

From anyone. It doesn't matter who they are. Unless you are her you're wrong, because she cannot be incorrect. She is infallible... you get it, right sweetheart?

She is omnipotent. She is a GOD. It's not that she's not listening to them, they don't mean enough for her even to be able to hear.

Seifa:

A stranger she views as someone below her in position?

Lol who are you. Who the fuck are you to think your opinion has any value, let alone matter to her? She's not even hearing what you're saying, you should be out of her presence by the time she stops eyerolling by the way, she's a busy woman. May not be healthy to waste more of her time.

Above her in authority or experience?

Silence. Not quite making eye contact, she's focusing on breaking down what you're saying and digesting useable information. A quick "Got it, I'll consider what you said" afterwards is genuine. She will consider it. That doesn't mean she will take it onboard, but she knows not to waste valuable data.

Friend?

A mix of both. She'll make it clear there's a very good chance her opinion on this is going to supersede yours, but that yours still has value for her. She might not make change changes right now based on it.. but it could affect how she approaches things in the future.

Pet Peeves:

Tyreen

A pet peeve, one she's irked by but doesn't spend a huge amount of time lost in rage over, is people treating her like she's airheaded. It happens often, especially when she's around Troy. She's not dumb. At all. Just because she's not a giant, brooding, scowling asshole who stands in silence while death-glaring everyone in the room, doesn't mean she's vacant or stupid. Just because she's louder, and more animated, doesn't mean she's ditzy.

In talks, the conversation always gets pointed to him for any discussion regarding anything with business or technical depth, she hates it. He's good at this shit, he's great with numbers and logic, but just because she communicates differently doesn't mean shes terrible. It's irritating.

Seifa:

Bullshit. She cannot abide hearing someone talk complete wank, and wants extremely direct clearcut conversation at all times bar if she's talking shit with friends. That's totally different.

She wouldn't manage to be in the same room as someone like Rhys or Katagawa for more than 5 minutes before she'd be ready to peel her own face off and eat her hands, so takes a lot of comfort from the "Please fucking kill me oh my god" gestures and grimaces Troy makes towards her from out of the speakers sight in meetings where they are dealing with the waves of verbal shite emanating from some corporate tool.

Troy:

Sleeping. It's just a fucking waste of time. It's completely pointless. Shut yourself down for hours so your body can release chemicals it needs? Fuck sake, just take the chemicals and stay awake, wow, well done, now you have 1/4 of your life back!

Dreams suck, waking up feeling like death sucks, spending hours laying awake staring at your ceiling while trying to make your "brain be quiet for once, just please.. be quiet.." for hours till you eventually pass out sucks, it's all stupid and wasteful and humans are dumb. He's dumb. Everyone's dumb.

Tenderness:

Tyreen: 

She'd see wanting it as being weak in a way, Ty doesn't need anyone for any reason, so she doesn't need intimacy or tenderness. Why would she? She's not weak, or soft. Not being able to touch others isn't even a factor here, don't you dare imply it is. Intimacy is for people who aren't strong enough to exist alone, don't insult her by thinking she'd ever want it. She watches those romcoms for the PLOT and the character development, did you see in that last episode of Skags of fire that Miguel finally got with Santia-

Seifa: Born 2 Tender (physically and monetarily)

She thrives off receiving and giving affection to close friends and partners, it's a part of herself she masks off from her general authoritative persona for a lot of reasons, people often see being caring or gentle as weak, and that's not something she can afford in day to day life.

People close to her know she's very tactile platonically, and an arm around a waist or shoulders is the norm if you're spending much time with her and she's in good spirits. She doesn't shy away from touch in general and has no problem initiating contact with anyone she trusts and is close enough with that she doesn't feel like being caring is a risk around. Intimacy and close tenderness with a partner is her main love language, and something she absolutely expects be provided to her.

Troy: Viciously envious of it

The last time he encountered freely platonic intimacy was in his childhood, both with Leda and Tyreen before Ty started to resent showing affection more and more as they got older. He's desperately, pathetically lonely and fully aware of that, even if he lies to himself that he's fine.

He can't request it from the people he sleeps with as it means showing them the real man under the persona, and he's learned that people do not like the real Troy, so he's starved of real intimacy despite having so much access to other people's bodies nightly.

Not all bad:

Troy

His intelligence.

It's one thing he can think back on and remember only ever receiving positive comments on, right from as early as he can recall. He's always been able to consider problems in a way that lets him break them down and approach them from a unique angle. Dad said he was able to "Think outside the box", but he never really understood what that meant till the twins landed on Pandora and he watched so many people run themselves into the ground when such simple solutions were right there. Maybe not moral solutions, but simple solutions regardless! He absorbs and retains information very easily without any real effort, and when he found out that wasn't the norm, it became a genuine point of pride for him. Something he was great at, unrelated to his persona.

Hips and thighs

While most of his upper body causes him physical pain or he dislikes in general for multiple uhh.. reasons, he's never had any issues with his lower body. He loves the definition of his hips and lower stomach, his knees haven't ever had any joint pain, his legs have always been toned and strong without really needing any focus on them. He's worked himself to the bone trying to fix the things about his upper body that he hates, but his legs? Nah. Nice :ok_hand:

He's really good at looking after plants

He's really good at it. Lots of people can't keep plants alive but he can :) No one knows about it, but he does. It's nice to be good at something. It's just ...nice. :)

Seifa

Her waist and stomach.

Sei is relatively curvy for her height and is very thankful for her narrow waist, or she'd look like a solid rectangle in heeled boots no matter what she wore. It helps her keep up the soft fem aesthetic she likes to mix with punk bullshit without much effort, gives her a shape in baggy engineering overalls, and keeps belt pouches ON. Like, ON on. Shit is never going to move. She has a slight soft curve to her lower stomach she used to hate, thinking it made her look overweight , but as she grew into her twenties learned to love. Other people liked it, she was just being a dumb kid.

Physical strength

Years of working with lugging heavy machinery has given her an unexpectedly solid core, and she'd have no problem lifting something, say, Troy weight, and flipping it over her low center of balance without a sweat. Which is very fun. On things that are Troy weight.

The loyalty she builds with others without trying

She's not sure what it is exactly she's been doing to prompt it, but over the last few years she's come to realise she has a genuine support network across the system of people who are very loyal to her, and are there when needed to back her up in trades, or filling positions she needs, or getting her in touch with a group she's got no foot in. People she works with or gets to know trust her and remember her even years later, it's been a nice thing to find out about herself, though she wishes she knew what exact thing about her was the source of it.

Asks are Open!

[stanbillyhargrove]

Ghosts chp 20

Ally's Story

T/W: sexual assault, eating disorder

Ally's story is NOT nice, it's based off Cat's story from Demons but without the support system that Cat had

Katrina's POV

Ally was perched on the end of my bed, watching as I changed the bandages on my stomach. I taped sterile white gauze to my skin and eased myself back onto the bed with a groan.

"You've been hanging around a lot," I mumbled.

"Do you not want me here? I can leave."

"No! Wait, stay. Please, I like the company. I just mean, I hadn't seen you in a long time."

"When he's around we can't get close to you," she explained, "he keeps us away. But he's weak right now."

She sat back against the wall with a sigh, eyeing me after catching me staring at her, "what?"

"What's your story, Ally? What happened to you?"

She held her arms up so I could see the two long cuts that ran down her forearms, "isn't it obvious?"

"That's not your story, not all of it."

She dropped her arms into her lap, "you don't have to pretend to care. I'm already dead."

I stretched my hand across the bed, reaching for her, "I do care."

Her eyes were teary when she met my gaze, her jaw tight, but she still moved closer to take my hand.

--

"Mommy, Daddy's home," I announced.

She shook her head, "no, sweetie, he's not off work for a couple hours."

But then, a few minutes later, he walked through the door. Sent home early because of the blizzard sweeping through town. My mother brushed it off, saying I must have seen his car even though I was playing nowhere near the windows at the time.

That feeling, that sense of knowing, it never went away. As I got older, I realized it wasn't normal to know when someone was getting close. It wasn't normal to turn around and yell out your friends names when they were trying to sneak up on you. I started losing friends fast, nobody wanted to be associated with the outcast. The chubby cheeked weirdo that gave everyone the heebie jeebies.

I was twelve when the bullying shifted from my weirdness to my weight. The rest of my classmates had shed their baby fat and were lean where I still had a layer of pudge. That's when everything started to turn for the worst. Boys who knew I was crushing on them would sneer and laugh to their friends when I passed them. They'd pretend to like me outside of school just to turn around and shun me once in a group of classmates. Girls looked down on me, snickered when they saw me eating lunch.

Comments started coming from my family through the years too. Things like, 'haven't you eaten enough?' 'You know, everything you put on has to come off.' 'A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.' And, 'do you think you need seconds?'

My mom too, liked to tell me how little she weighed as a teenager. Joked about how her and her friends would compare thigh gaps like it was no big deal. She complained about how much she weighed now that she'd had me even though she still looked like she could be whisked away by a strong breeze. She thought she was helping by telling me maybe I'd have more friends, maybe boys would like me if I lost some weight.

At fifteen I found a website filled with pages and pages of wispy girls who's bones stuck through their skin. Girls who bragged that they had to wear children's clothes because nothing else fit, bragged about the amount of exercise they'd done that day. They shared tips and tricks to curb your hunger, told you if you followed all the rules you too could be beautiful, weightless, like them.

By sixteen, I was one of them. Comparing each days food and exercise with a group of people like me. I finally found my people, my sisters, the ethereal Wintergirls. I fed exclusively off people's compliments and they loved to tell me how much better I looked now. My mom praised my hard work, indulged my diet coke addiction. She was proud to have created a Wintergirl in her image.

Nobody in those groups liked to talk about the negatives. They didn't warn me that becoming one of them wouldn't be glamorous. That it meant constantly freezing, that your body starts growing more hair to keep you warm, that the hair on your head will get thin and lifeless, your nails turn blue and even a light brush will leave bruises on your skin. They didn't tell me that no matter what goals you hit, there would always be another. I wasn't prepared for my life to become consumed by numbers. How many sit ups, how many inches, tracking weight down in a notebook and sobbing if was more than last time. They didn't mention that I'd still hate myself no matter what.

I started swallowing handfuls of pills, secretly hoping that this time it would be enough to poison my liver. I want to go to sleep and not wake up, but I don't know that I want to die. I want to be normal, to eat and not hate myself, but that's not who I am anymore.

I kept waking up, forced to struggle through another day. Started drowning myself in alcohol every night and on the weekends, trying to find something to make me feel again. Some of the more popular girls started talking to me, asking for the secret on how to look as good as I do now, inviting me to parties hoping to get me to spill. I went to the parties but not to spill my secrets. I went for the free alcohol and eventually the drugs that the boys brought.

I had found my usual party group, the people who carried baggies of various things in their pockets. Accepted a baggie from a baby faced jock who smiled when he passed it to me.

"It'll be fun," he whispered in my ear, "trust me."

I looked at the pills for a moment before tossing them into my mouth and taking a swig of my drink to swallow them down.

"Good girl," he praised.

He didn't leave my side, didn't let me leave his sight. He was always there with an arm around me even though I didn't know him. Tempting me with tinted eyes.

This doesn't feel right.

I should have known better.

After a while, I started to feel weird. My limbs felt too heavy to move and I thought I was going to pass out. I leaned heavy into the boys side, not trusting my legs to keep me up anymore.

"It just hit you, didn't it?" He asked, holding me up.

My tongue felt too thick to move, to protest, when he picked me up. Threw me over his broad shoulder and took me back to his house.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you," he soothed.

I struggled to cry out, to push his hands away but he was so much bigger than me, had layers of muscle where I had only bone. His hands were too rough when he grabbed, when he held my wrists in one hand and undressed me with the other.

I tried again to move my legs, to fight him, but nothing worked.

"Relax," he murmured, "I'll make you feel good."

The room faded in and out through eyes blurry with tears. I could feel him. Everywhere. Every inch of me consumed by his warmth. The moments where I could almost grasp clarity were filled with pain.

He wiped a tear from my cheek, his touch tender now when he whispered, "I know you're into it...God, you feel so good."

I didn't wake up again until sometime in the morning. The sun had barely kissed the sky, just enough that the room I was in wasn't pitch black anymore. Just enough light to see that the sheets I was wrapped in were blue, not white. Just enough light to know I didn't know where I was. It took me a moment to realize there was someone else in the bed with me, a large arm wrapped loose around my waist. Tanned skin tight around broad shoulders that I might have felt safe in before. I screwed my eyes shut tight, hoping this was a horrible nightmare. But, when I opened them I was still here. The dark bruises in the shape of his fingers still stuck on my skin, the pain was still there.

I slid out of the bed, biting the inside of my cheek and praying that I could get out of here without him waking up. Apparently the universe thought I deserved this small favor because I was able to find my stuff, get dressed and slip out of his house without anyone seeing me.

Outside, I pulled my phone from my pocket to figure out where I was. I was an hour's walk away from home. By the time I got home...I'd have to get ready for school right away. I sent out a quick text to my group for someone to bring me something strong to get me through the day and started my long walk of shame.

I did the best I could to hide all the bruises under my clothes before going to school. Long sleeves pulled down into my fists, dark leggings, I even layered on a shirt with the tallest neckline I could find. Hid the red circles around my eyes under dark makeup and called it good enough.

I disappeared into the crowd at school, slinking from shadow to shadow like I was hiding from a spotlight. Thankfully, someone answered my text and slipped a baggy into my pocket during a quick hug. I wasted no time swallowing the pills, didn't even question it. I just needed everything to stop.

I only got through my first class without seeing him.

I was at my locker when suddenly I was picked up and spun around. I was too shocked to do anything more than shriek. Hit the ground and spun around to find myself face to face with that same boy. The star of the football team, he was all broad shoulders and a soft, innocent face. He came from money and everybody loved him because of it. But, of course, they didn't know what really lied behind that sweet face.

"Hey babe," he cooed, "missed you this morning. You could have stayed, I would have driven you home."

The breath rushed from my lungs and I was reliving flashes of memories from the night before. Once again trying and failing to fight back. Hearing his voice in my ear.

"Hey, Bryce!" Another jock clapped him on the shoulder, "introduce us to your girlfriend!"

"I..your...what?" I stammered.

"Guys, Ally...Ally, guys," he beamed, pulling me into his side.

The group of them said their hellos, and then quickly disappeared to their own lockers. I shoved him as hard as I could, but I barely moved him an inch. He still had a smile on his face even though his eyebrows had knit with confusion.

"Your girlfriend?" I hissed.

"Well, yeah? I assumed, after last night, y'know?"

"You assumed!"

He lifted his hands defensively, "take it easy, don't need to shout."

I spun and stalked away from him, to a quieter, more secluded corner of the school to try and calm my nerves.

He followed me, practically purring, "trying to find somewhere private for us?"

I stopped, dumbfounded, giving him time to come up behind me and plant a kiss to my neck.

I recoiled, shoving Bryce away and shouting, "get off me!"

"What the fuck is your problem? You gave it up so easy last night and now you're gunna act like a prude?"

"I...I didn't give anything! You took! You drugged me, carried me home when I couldn't walk and had sex with me when I couldn't say no! You raped me!"

"Babe," he started, "come on-"

"No! Don't fucking call me babe, I don't even know you! I'm not your girlfriend! I'm your victim!"

He got in my face, close enough I could feel the heat from his skin, and growled, "fuck you. We could have been something, y'know? I could have given you everything. You asked for the drugs, remember? You're just a fucking whore, using men to get what you want and then dropping them. You wait, I will fucking destroy you."

By the afternoon, everybody had seen the pictures he took of me unconscious and were calling me a whore. Calling me a skeleton, ugly, a tease, a user. Nobody could believe I didn't want it. 'Look at him,' they'd say, 'he's gorgeous. How could you not want him?' Or, 'I'd give anything to have him even look at me and you're complaining?'

--

It only took a couple days before someone approached me outside of my class. Asked if I'd sleep with him if he gave me something.

"Are you serious? You think I'm a prostitute or something? Try being a gentleman and asking a girl on a date, you'd have a better chance."

His eyebrows raised, "you wanna go on a date with me?"

"Not now I don't, shitdick," I scoffed, pushing my way into class.

Later that day, people were saying I'd slept with him anyway.

--

This went on for months. People would approach me asking for sex and when I turned them down, they made up a story and spread it around.

There was one boy...I thought he was different. He said all he wanted was to take me on a date, for me to give him a chance. So I did. I let him take me out for a coffee since I didn't eat in front of anyone. We actually had a good time, he made me laugh for the first time in a long time. For a minute, I felt like maybe I could see a way out of the dark.

Then, our way out of the cafe, I thought I saw a glimpse of Bryce but when I looked again, I didn't see him.

He drove us away from the city, to a secluded area where it was just the two of us. We sat in the back of his car, talking for a while until he brought me close and kissed me. Fingers started to tug at clothing, pulling a noise of protest from my throat.

"I took you out," he murmured, "now be a good girl for me."

I let my mind go blank, let him take what he wanted. Saw Bryce in his place and let a few tears fall silently.

I realized that no matter how good I thought things could be, no matter what I do, Bryce would still be on top of me and I still wouldn't be able to breathe. He'd always be there, sneering that he'd destroy me.

--

Eating was hard. Breathing was hard. Living was the hardest.

I felt like I had started dying the night Bryce took me home. Like everything since then had to have been a fever dream caused by cells deteriorating. Last night had nailed that feeling home. That I was already dead, just stuck in hell.

I showed up at school to see a snickering crowd in front of my locker. 'Whore' was painted across the door along with 'Liar' and 'Dirty Slut'.

Standing at the front of the crowd with a wicked grin on his face was Bryce and the rest of the football team.

He invaded my space, my senses, the heat radiating from his skin threatening to burn me up. The heady cologne he wore, a toxic gas that stole oxygen from my lungs and replaced it with poison.

His voice, low and husky in my ear when he sneered, "nobody believes you. Nobody cares about you. I bet nobody would even care if you were gone," he pulled away just enough to look into my eye, "I win."

I was holding back tears as I tried to retreat from the school, walking as fast as I could to escape the laughter when my arm was caught in someone's hand. I looked up at the girl who grabbed me and recognized her from some of my classes. We weren't really friends but we were close enough to know each other.

"You okay?"

I faked a smile, tried to ignore my voice cracking, "awesome...I'm awesome."

"Hey, screw those assholes, Ally."

I knew she was trying to help, that she thought her words would be enough to break through months of abuse hurled my way.

They weren't.

My shoulders slumped, "haven't you heard? I already did."

I slipped between her fingers and didn't look back.

--

"Whatever happened to chivalry?" Ally sighed, leaning against the wall next to me, "romance? I always wanted a relationship like in those cheesy old movies. You know, where the love interest makes some grand gesture to say they love you? That's what I dreamed of."

I wiped the tears from my face, "Ally.."

She smiled sadly at me, "I always thought I'd find the one when I became perfect. That if I could just be good enough...but that never happened, perfect never came."

@alias-b @charmed-asylum @champagnesugamama

[marshmallowprotection]

Man, I love the Choi twins so freaking much, but when I truly imagine myself in the MC's place, I can't help but question my ability to handle some of the things they go through, especially in Saeran's route. I have ADHD, and from that RSD, which is basically when my brain goes, "Even if it wasn't actual criticism/rejection, here come the tears anyway!"

I honestly think I do a very good job and turning my ADHD into something positive; I make jokes out of the quirks that it comes with, and sometimes I don't even have to try, because things like bursts of rapid-fire questions only for me to answer them myself all within one breath tends to elicit laughter on its own.

But RSD, my emotional sensitivity, I hate it so much. I hate it; I hate crying in front of others. I don't even like it much on my own. I don't care how much people say my feelings are "valid" because sometimes they aren't! Sometimes it's really a stupid thing and yet the tears come anyways even though I don't deserve to cry over that, I don't need to, it's not something to cry over.

...I don't work well under pressure. Under time limits. I freeze up, my brain goes blank. I literally cannot think well until I'm calm, and staying calm can be very difficult. I just... I'm not sure I'd be good enough, strong enough, for either routes, and I know it's not really a big deal, but I can't help but feel a little... disappointed in myself.

I have a better chance in Saeyoung's route; my determination to help him, my stubbornness, could be enough for me to pull through, but I'd probably be so damn hesitant and nervous after his cold demeanor sticks around. Even a quiet, level, but cold, statement such as, "We can't even be friends" would probably bring the tears and UGH I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Saeran... that's a special case. And, again, I know it's not a real situation, but I can't help but think about it, and I'm sorry I'm ranting like this, but it just kinda got to me and I needed to write this out kind of in depth. Thank you for reading this far...

Due to a friendship in my past -- my first best friend -- I think I would struggle with him a little. Not so much during his route, although the ADHD and RSD would make that difficult, too. Man... I wouldn't give in, not at all, but you can bet 100% that I would cry at least a little every damn time Suit Saeran came in to verbally torment me. Literally none of what he says would actually hurt me, but just because they're harsh words... And I wouldn't put it past him to actually reach into my insecurity of my ADHD making me annoying and overbearing, because I likely would've mentioned it to Ray once or twice or a million times lol.

But past that, GE Saeran seems to be heavily emotionally dependent on the MC -- no surprise there, but I... My friend. She was like that. Different issues, though: depression, anxiety, self-harm, and eventually suicidal thoughts.

I carried all her secrets, all her problems. I was in middle school. I was eager that someone would trust me so much. I was certain it had no impact on me.

And then it did. And it still does. I took on an... unfavorable habit. I still do it on occasion -- and I do small versions of it everyday. It's a terrible and destructive coping mechanism, but I... I like it.

We had a fight. I told her parents everything. They got her help. I'm happy for her, always still worried about it, but we're not friends anymore. I couldn't take it.

Ever since that, I get cautious around people who show similar behaviours to her -- thinking, I can't deal with a repeat.

Saeran isn't exactly a repeat, and I'd still want to be there for him 100%... but I'm afraid of how it might affect me. I don't know what would happen. Maybe I'd accidentally end up distancing myself from him, or maybe I'd fall back into the position of taking all of his burdens onto myself, as much as he would let me...

I realize Saeyoung would likely also be a little emotionally dependent as well, but I still think I could handle that a little better... maybe... Geez. It's not a big deal now, but... I mean, people like that -- people who are or get emotionally dependent -- exist. And if I meet someone who I really like, platonically or otherwise, and they end up being even a little emotionally dependent, I fear I would unintentionally distance myself, and end up losing an amazing relationship... This is why, I believe, the thing with the Choi twins affects me so much. That, and I know I would really want to help them, but I would struggle with so much feelings of inadequacy... No, I'd struggle with emotional inadequacy itself...

Sorry for this long post, but thank you for reading... ^^"

[417]

There can be a true catharsis in writing out your feelings so I hope that you feel a little better now that you’ve gotten it out. The fun thing about games is that it is allowing you to range outside of your comfort zone and put you on a playing field where you can click things that you may feel too nervous or unsure to do in your actual life! It’s good that you can find comfort in these characters, as well, and I totally get where you’re coming from. 

Here’s the thing, yes, there are hard times emotionally with both of them but do not think for a second that they wouldn’t stop themselves in the middle of what they are doing if you start crying or get upset. Neither of them wants to hurt you or make you cry. They’re both fully aware by the ends of their routes that they’ve got a lot to work on. 

It’s not easy. But, coping and learning how to deal with your trauma in a healthy way takes time. Realistically, the events of the game should happen over a much longer period and that would make it easier to put yourself in the situation and deal with as it comes. Especially with Ray’s Route, specifically. Because there is such a drastic change in his feelings. Falling in love and playing with the line of what he knows and what he doesn’t... that’s a whole thing. 

Yes, to an extent, he leans on his MC. I’ve talked about that before. He’s going to lean on them a lot. He won’t mean to do it but he’s only ever lived his life in the sense that he can please others and do for them. Everyone gave him a reason to be alive and to exist, and now that he doesn’t have that, he doesn’t know what to do and that’s hard. That’s going to be a battle in itself but he’ll get better in time with therapy and positive support from everyone. However, that can be exhausting, so that’s something to take with care. 

Saeran knows that he needs to work on himself and he’ll apologize and work with you when he does that. You just have to be gentle with him and be honest about how exhausted it makes you feel. He’s willing to work with you and take care of this. He wants to get better. He wants to fight for his health. But, Rome isn’t built in a day. If you love him and he loves you, he wants to make this work. 

Saeyoung is hard in the sense that yes, he loves you and he would do anything for you. His issue is that he can be skittish and paranoid. In the events of the SE, he and his brother still have to live with the fact that their father is still out there and could still hurt them. He’s not going to push that fear onto you specifically but it will show in what he does. He sleeps with his back to the wall. He needs to double-check when you go out alone on CCTV. He watches over you and he can get really scared. 

It’s not smothering, per se, but it is something that he needs to work on and very well acknowledge that he is doing. It’s not healthy for him to live like that, but the fear is warranted so that’s hard to fight. He, just like Saeran, understands that he has a long road ahead of him to get better... but he wants to, and the willingness to be ready to fight for yourself is the first step in the long battle. If someone isn’t willing to fight, then it’s not going to work. 

With your own fears, I think they would both be happy to help you work on your own fears and help you in your own battle. Support systems are important, and the Choi boys want you to feel safe and loved too. Fear is fear, but love is love, and it’ll be okay. If you find comfort in them, don’t fear that things would spiral out of control, there will be hard nights, but it will be okay. At the end of the day, you’ve got someone that cares about you as much as you care about them.

It’s about being willing to be honest. 

Being honest is hard, but you have to acknowledge it. It’s something that the three of you can work on together, no matter what timeline this is. Like, to give you a personal example, even though I love Saeran, I would have a hard time myself being there in the physical form. One of my triggers is loud voices, and I would have an issue with Suit Saeran as well even though I tend to try to rationalize anger and fear to combat my anxiety. I can’t control the fact that I cry when people scream at me, though. 

But, I do control how I let it affect me afterward and that’s a part of my personal battle to cope and to heal... and knowing that Saeran is just fighting so hard to control himself and he feels so twisted up, well, I have faith in him even when he is angry and lost. That’s me though, I have faith in people. It’s just good, to be honest with yourself and know that you can find comfort and rationality in that love. 

[hhawkeye]

Okay let's talk about it. I assume it is Valjean and Javert. I have only seen the movie with Hugh Jackman. He's fairly attractive but Javert literally kills himself when he realized Valjean isn't a demon so I don't see a scenario where they fuck. PS I wasn't dragging you I like to see people enjoy things

alright so youre not wrong. youre not wrong! but! if we bend canon a little and think hey what if javert DOESNT die (perhaps valjean, being a strong sexy man, pulls him out of the river and tends to his wounds at his humble abode) he instead yknow has his entire world implode around him when he has to acknowledge life isnt black and white and there are grey areas and criminals can in fact be good and the law can be bad etc (in book canon he literally leaves a note like “hey heres a list of ways to make the police system better. thanks bye” before he kills himself) and they uhhhhh have feelings :) listen. Listen its not a perfect science but its THERE. in canon though no they def dont fuck unless its during mayor era which tbh im not a fan of bc there are weird identity issues going on that makes it kinda sketchy. but i digress

anyway :D i am glad you are actually enjoying this. i have fun here and ive decided cringe isnt real and if im enjoying things that arent hurting anyone then 🤷‍♂️ its all good. thank u for supporting me in this endeavour

[babayagainthemidst]

Exactly 2 years today. Got a doctor checked on me. That was a terrifying day of my life, tbh. 'Twas like 9 months before this very day of the same month(kapoya analyze uy😂) when I started feeling it, inside of me. But I just ignored it knowing I'm feeling healthy y'all though I kept on having episodes the following months(geek). The episodes stopped after the super lockdown I think, and rarely feeling it for the following months. But then somewhere before this month of 2 years ago(samuka sa pag analyze uy🤦) I got a super episode which I decided to see a doctor and checked on me (happy 2 years😂). The results was terrifying and my soul was like wanting to depart from my body(which didn't happen🙈). What I thought was something like just minor stingy but turned out to be the worst of all the worst. Nah! I was muted for the following days, was a bit lost, everything's empty and also the most frightening nightmare happened that totally wrecked my gasping heart. Everything went gray and the thought of me bearing it was totally sane and unacceptable. I decided to get a second opinion but the result's the same. Did my own research and made myself understand everything(this 3 consonant letters, not contagious tho but I'll be bearing it for the rest of my life😣). It's not curable but there is one thing that could stop the sting and episodes. Ek! I'm not into 'it' tho and still not seeing myself with that 'thing'. Due to what happened on those days I quite doubt myself and it was the first time of questioning my worth. That month and that year was the most nerve wracking event of my life. For the thoughts that wasn't heard, tears that was hidden, sleepless nights and I cried without sound like the silence alone is killing me. Every piece of me burst out and burnt down, left alone. Lost my job, distanced myself from my family, totally closed my doors, and I became someone I don't want to be, like someone from my past but more of no vision, was juggling of finding my way back and thinking of ending my life(which I didn't do anyway🥺). No warm hugs, shoulder to lean on, not a tap on my shoulder nor a single comforting words. Saklap! Like every inch of my body and soul was lost.

2/2

Words are better left unsaid, I felt that the real ones respected my silence but I know too well who among the real ones stayed and chose to understand my silence. But those days was the most trustworthy version of myself and no one really knows about it(my decision). Instead I did rise up, smiled and atta girl, gear up the best fitted suit I could ever have, bravery and hope. So it was never enough reason to bend down my knees and give up on my life. As time goes by and years came in my life I did understand everything, fully, being strong isn't enough if you lack passion in everything that you do. Despite every bad words I heard around, the never ending comparison and the head to foot stares jusme I don't care. I'm too tired with everything but I ain't giving a shit on giving up. We ain't cowards! All I know is that I'm doing what I want(with passion, panalo ako dito)coz it's not about how fast or slow I'd reached my destination but its about on how I enjoyed, learned a lot, accepting my flaws, forgiving myself and people, dealing with sudden twists and gaining self-love on my travel. I'm having a lot of fun and making sure I'll never regret my decisions(not rushing things but savoring every moments) and we'll never doubt myself anymore, ever. I am more than enough(says Ma🤗). Got the best support system and respect from my beautiful family and my few friends, this awesome life? dang! got my job and the never ending guidance from Him. So what else could I asked for? Yes, I do still maintain my medication and yakult's highest paid actor rn plus the patience I gained in this journey😉. Looking back and seeing how far I've come makes my heart giddy🙃. Almost halfway there and still picking up the pieces of what's left in me but I know, I'll get there(wherever this life leads me)💯. I'm posting this to appreciate myself for being tough enough in facing the hindrances and getting through procrastinating times. I am and will always be grateful for everything. Yeah, I'm proud of myself. Here's to manifesting for greater life, healing with time, more of being independent, still not growing up🙄but growing old🙈and for a stable and peaceful mind. Cheers to that😉.

11/19/22

[museofmymind]

Nothing last forever. I know you'll be gone some day and I don't know when. Our relationship has always been complex and difficult, for me at least. Sometimes my feelings for you can be overwhelming, and I know that makes you uncomfortable. I've shored up the the urge to say I love you, built a dam for my emotions to make you more comfortable. I'm not perfect... In fact far from it. I have too many emotions that surge too often it floods over and causes problems. I can tell you're getting frustrated with me. My self loathing is back but for a new reason. I feel like a burden. A chaotic emotional burden disrupting your inner peace. I know it's not always like this but when it is it kills me... I start thinking you'd be happier without all this, happier in the quiet. I say to myself I probably shouldn't make someone suffer through this. Logic says this is just female hormones reading havoc on my system, my own insecurities projected, and men in general don't express feelings or reassurance often which is natural, it just leaves me with little to go on, But it feels the same, and I have doubts that you'd want to stay with someone like me. And every so often, I have doubts about staying. When that happens I sit down a think hard. I flip through the rolladex in my mind on our life together, as much as I can remember. I remember when we met and how I thought you were attractive, how we bonded over science and Neil de Grass Tyson, how we waited to be intimate, how I shared my darkest memories and you were there to comfort me, and when you told me your history and it didn't change how I saw you, how you saved my life... How much fun we had at the lake and our favorite park, and how many times we scraped together a few bucks so we could hit up taco bell, how having you all to myself in a hotel room felt, how we made the hardest decision together in one of those rooms, how we stayed strong after that and how supportive you were, when you lived in your car and times were tough, when you finally got your new place and we broke it in, how we set up a Christmas tree together to celebrate your first Christmas in the apartment, not to mention all the adventure we had mixed in... After remembering, it's hard to want to leave. It's hard to have doubts. You've brought so much happiness into my life, and helped me though the toughest parts. You helped me realize I was worth something. To a woman that is invaluable. But I know I'm a mess, and sometimes I feel like I'm not in control, like my logic becomes clouded by all of these intense thoughts that don't feel like my own but become my reality. I don't have the skills yet to manage this... So as much as it sounds backwards to me I have to be easy on myself. I just wish you could understand, and I hope you know I am really trying even if it doesn't seem like it at times. I just want you to be happy even if that means I'll be alone... But my personal goal is to be my normal happy self so that being around me isn't a chore. So I can foster happiness in other people's all the time instead of only part time. I feel like I've taken a step back in progress, but I can't dwell on it because I'm still ahead of where I was when I started. I just hope you want to stick around to see me grow.