#im going to be okay

[flame-shadow]

hey did you know??? that if you stop stretching and maintaining mobility in your body then it goes away?? things get tight and you can't move the way that you used to??? and when you decide to try getting a stretch routine going that the first week fucking sucks because you keep going 'damn i used to be able to do this no problem' and then you have to switch gears and be kind to yourself and just focus on getting better from here instead of berating yourself for dropping the good habits in the first place??? and your body never stops aging so you gotta keep taking care of it and sometimes you gotta take care of it extra in certain areas because of things that happened when you were younger and it's boring and sometimes hurts but it's so necessary???

i am yelling this at myself right now i am going through An Experience (trying to get into a routine of body maintenance again for my physical and mental health)

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

no guys wait u dont understand she really doesnt care about him at all she swears

[can-i-find-my-place]

I've been in a really reflexive mood the last few weeks. Probably from all of the change that's been happening. I'm not sure how frequent these will be since I'm a *busy gorl*, but I'll post when I have a good thought to share. Again, I like to use this account for stupid memes and as a diary. I don't really care about anything else in regard to these posts. Sorry in advance that it's long. I just have a lot to say.

I'm a first year doctoral student. There were so many times in my life where I never thought I'd get to say that. I knew I wanted to "go all the way" with my degree since I was really little. I decided I would get my Master's degree when I was only 5...like...girlfriend we're still figuring out how to hold a pencil correctly and how to hold our tray in the cafeteria, but okay. I didn't even know what I wanted to be when I grew up (whatever that means). I just knew I would "love it and be really good at it" (I know one of those is true, but I'd like to believe both are true tbh). There were just so many times where I didn't think I'd be alive to experience this or I was too stupid. I want to say that first part again. I didn't think I would be alive to experience this...but I am. I think that's what has kept the imposter syndrome away this time. I haven't had the time to think "I'm not enough" because all I can think is "you made it". I so badly wish I could talk to sad, baby teenage Lauren and tell her, "you're going to be okay. You made it."

In one of my classes this week, we talked about the difference between stress and distress. Stress is good for you and is a part of your life on a biological level. We all experience it (differently, I might add). Distress is when a being fails to cope with stress, which can lead to some pretty bad things happening (depression, death, you know, the really fun stuff). I feel like this past year is the first time I have not been operating in distress mode. Obviously I didn't die (that would be a weird post) based on the previous paragraph, but I definitely have had my fair share of depression from a lot of things distressing me. Now, while I am happy, that's not to say I'm not experiencing stress (remember, I'm a doctoral student, of course I'm stressed).

In order to deal with all the stress from changes, I've been looking for the little victories. Little signs that show me I'm heading in a good direction. Today, I had a big one. To keep this already long story short, I had a very small financial inconvenience this morning. I have my bills set to automatically do their thing because my brain is a busy (and dark) place to be. Earlier this week, the bills did not do their thing and I had to do the thing for them in person at the bank instead. I hate "adulting" tasks like this because 90% of the time I don't think I know what I'm doing. HOWEVER, it went great. Next, I had to tackle finding my admin building on my campus to pick up my paper paycheck (idk I thought that was weird too). And I did it. I was even able to help another student in the process (I'm usually in one building on my new campus so you'd usually have better luck asking a rock for directions, but this was different and I was so excited to be able to help). I looked at my check, did some math, and realized "woah...I'm going to be okay". I meant it financially (I grew up not poor, but definitely not well off at all), but then I just repeated it over and over again until it really hit me and I cried. I'm not just going to be okay financially. I'm going to be okay overall. I'm going to school. I'm going to finish my degree. I'm going to get a job I love and that I'm really good at. And I'm going to be happy. I'm so glad I'm still here.

TLDR: I'm in a new city where I don't know any one, I live alone, I'm nervous, and I'm going to be okay.

(And I'm going to be Dr. Can-I-find-my-place one day) :)

[chickenchirps27]

is this anxiety??? idk but now its getting hard to breathe. I cant really control the circumstances im in rn though

I cant blame myself for things not going according to plan. that just means i gotta go with the flow. if things didn’t work out when i did everything i could i can’t be hard on myself.

[agracefulfall]

I'm beginning to think wobbly and shaky are my baseline and have always been.

He saw me when he said passionate and fragmentary.

[suntails]

love will truly live

[basshole-astard]

PSA: i keep seeing posts about staying cool in extreme heat that include advice like "gatorade is bad actually!" and "don't drink fruit juice it'll just dehydrate you!" and neither of these are true!

regarding fruit juice: there's apparently a misconception that Any Sugar At All will dehydrate you, and that's simply not true. yes, sugar will make you pee more when consumed in large amounts, but 1) the natural sugar in fruits won't do this to you 2) great news! a lot of fruit juices exist without any added sugar in them! 3) honestly even having a glass of the fruit juice with added sugar won't completely dehydrate you as long as you're also drinking water throughout the day. if its hot you deserve a cold treat of a drink!!! can't go wrong with fruit juice!!!

regarding gatorade: maybe this isn't an every day drink, but guess what: if it's 110F/40C or hotter outside, and you don't have AC, or you're moving around a lot outside of the AC, and you're sweating buckets: that's when you drink a gatorade.

gatorade exists to replenish all the electrolytes (salt) and glucose (sugar) that you sweat out. YES it is meant for athletes to drink during intensive work outs and not necessarily for people who aren't doing that kind of exercise. BUT GUESS WHAT! when you're sweating buckets because you had to walk to the bus in extreme heat, that's intensive exercise. please feel free to drink a gatorade after that! that's its intended use case!!!!

no: neither of these drinks should be a total replacement for water. but drinking a lot of water and then treating yourself to a fruit juice with lunch is a good idea!!! drinking a gatorade becuase you just had to walk for 20 minutes in the heat is a good idea!!!

Please Stop Spreading Misinformation About Drinks!!! It's fine if you drink things that aren't water!!!! Yes you should probably always be drinking water but drinking something else As Well isn't going to hurt you!!!! okay!!!! its fine!!!!!!

honestly so long as you are consistently getting Any (non-alcoholic) fluids in you, you're doing great!!!!!! okay!!!! i love you stay safe <3

[ane-doodles]

Human bishops!

And I said "oh, let's do some sketches and that's it…" what a liar

Working on other characters… eventually

[recents]

[wojtekaneko]

That's how it went

[catmask]

does anyone have like an anti aesthetic. like something you look at and can recognize as a complete fashion/interior design/artistic movement and understand it but it makes you shudder seeing it. i am not talking like “its morally bad” “its poorly structured” like just sheerly devoid of joy for you actually invites a repulse response.

[marsipain]

Norwegian Mikus :)

Left is Miku as a russ and right is Miku in a bunad!

[limonjarritos]

SHE HAS A PLACE AT THE TABLE, SHE IS THE VOICE OF ZAUN BUT AT WHAT COST

[hinamie]

ṇ̵̛̱͌̅̃͛̔o̴̮̓̀͂́̃_̴̛̲́s̷͈̋̈́̄̋͠ị̶͔̗̐͐̐̒̕g̵̛̱̘̣̑͂ņ̴̰͔̘͇̏̒̓̇͠͝a̸̜̥̩̭͋̌ḷ̶͔̖͗͋͛͛̃͆

[abeastfrombelow]

Today's a bit of a rough day for me.

I'm up early, staring out the window as the sun begins to rise (even now I can't stop thinking of it as the eye of God), and I can't stop thinking about the cathedral.

It was almost three years ago now that I saw the cathedral again. I went on the bus to see my lovely boyfriend at his school (who is basically my husband at this point), but I made the choice to take a different bus than I usually took. One that passed by a large church.

The moment I saw it, it felt like something in my brain had snapped. Or like something had clicked into place in my mind. Either way, over the next two years I grew more and more paranoid and afraid, unable to hold down a job or go to school. I also got more and more firm in the belief I was somehow a priest.

I know now that that was programming, that the cathedral is where a majority of my abuse took place. But still I wonder if I'm somehow psychotic, if I'm making it all up.

I know that I'm not though. My boyfriend saw them. He saw Gabriel creep into my room and wish me goodbye. He heard Metatron scream over the phone. He saw Sandy, he saw Matthew, he thought they were my father's friends or his own hallucinations. I'm grateful that I actually have a second person to corroborate my memories, it's a luxury not many get. It doesn't really stop the denial though, because the denial is as nonsensical as wanting to return to them.

I'm glad I got out. I'm glad I survived and I'm glad I can hold down a job. The priest beliefs have mostly stopped now that I've moved out, further telling me it isn't a delusion. But it's hard to not feel delusional, when certain parts come near the front again.

[htmibefttou]

ITS SO CRISP