#im going to be okay

[ccsario]

in the throes of absolute mental breakdown but at least im experiencing something good in this moment

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

i can’t have a panic attack in the bathroom rn this is stupid.

[msimperfecto]

[forcefemd]

feeling really strange and hopeful

[jacob-blogs]

I question whether my self-expression comes from within or whether I do it for other people's benefit.

[driftwoodskeleton]

sending you love and good vibes 💕

thank you, anon<3

i appreciate it

[goeverywheretryeverything]

The universe gifted me for doing this 😇

[flame-shadow]

hey did you know??? that if you stop stretching and maintaining mobility in your body then it goes away?? things get tight and you can't move the way that you used to??? and when you decide to try getting a stretch routine going that the first week fucking sucks because you keep going 'damn i used to be able to do this no problem' and then you have to switch gears and be kind to yourself and just focus on getting better from here instead of berating yourself for dropping the good habits in the first place??? and your body never stops aging so you gotta keep taking care of it and sometimes you gotta take care of it extra in certain areas because of things that happened when you were younger and it's boring and sometimes hurts but it's so necessary???

i am yelling this at myself right now i am going through An Experience (trying to get into a routine of body maintenance again for my physical and mental health)

[can-i-find-my-place]

I've been in a really reflexive mood the last few weeks. Probably from all of the change that's been happening. I'm not sure how frequent these will be since I'm a *busy gorl*, but I'll post when I have a good thought to share. Again, I like to use this account for stupid memes and as a diary. I don't really care about anything else in regard to these posts. Sorry in advance that it's long. I just have a lot to say.

I'm a first year doctoral student. There were so many times in my life where I never thought I'd get to say that. I knew I wanted to "go all the way" with my degree since I was really little. I decided I would get my Master's degree when I was only 5...like...girlfriend we're still figuring out how to hold a pencil correctly and how to hold our tray in the cafeteria, but okay. I didn't even know what I wanted to be when I grew up (whatever that means). I just knew I would "love it and be really good at it" (I know one of those is true, but I'd like to believe both are true tbh). There were just so many times where I didn't think I'd be alive to experience this or I was too stupid. I want to say that first part again. I didn't think I would be alive to experience this...but I am. I think that's what has kept the imposter syndrome away this time. I haven't had the time to think "I'm not enough" because all I can think is "you made it". I so badly wish I could talk to sad, baby teenage Lauren and tell her, "you're going to be okay. You made it."

In one of my classes this week, we talked about the difference between stress and distress. Stress is good for you and is a part of your life on a biological level. We all experience it (differently, I might add). Distress is when a being fails to cope with stress, which can lead to some pretty bad things happening (depression, death, you know, the really fun stuff). I feel like this past year is the first time I have not been operating in distress mode. Obviously I didn't die (that would be a weird post) based on the previous paragraph, but I definitely have had my fair share of depression from a lot of things distressing me. Now, while I am happy, that's not to say I'm not experiencing stress (remember, I'm a doctoral student, of course I'm stressed).

In order to deal with all the stress from changes, I've been looking for the little victories. Little signs that show me I'm heading in a good direction. Today, I had a big one. To keep this already long story short, I had a very small financial inconvenience this morning. I have my bills set to automatically do their thing because my brain is a busy (and dark) place to be. Earlier this week, the bills did not do their thing and I had to do the thing for them in person at the bank instead. I hate "adulting" tasks like this because 90% of the time I don't think I know what I'm doing. HOWEVER, it went great. Next, I had to tackle finding my admin building on my campus to pick up my paper paycheck (idk I thought that was weird too). And I did it. I was even able to help another student in the process (I'm usually in one building on my new campus so you'd usually have better luck asking a rock for directions, but this was different and I was so excited to be able to help). I looked at my check, did some math, and realized "woah...I'm going to be okay". I meant it financially (I grew up not poor, but definitely not well off at all), but then I just repeated it over and over again until it really hit me and I cried. I'm not just going to be okay financially. I'm going to be okay overall. I'm going to school. I'm going to finish my degree. I'm going to get a job I love and that I'm really good at. And I'm going to be happy. I'm so glad I'm still here.

TLDR: I'm in a new city where I don't know any one, I live alone, I'm nervous, and I'm going to be okay.

(And I'm going to be Dr. Can-I-find-my-place one day) :)

[chickenchirps27]

is this anxiety??? idk but now its getting hard to breathe. I cant really control the circumstances im in rn though

I cant blame myself for things not going according to plan. that just means i gotta go with the flow. if things didn’t work out when i did everything i could i can’t be hard on myself.

[agracefulfall]

I'm beginning to think wobbly and shaky are my baseline and have always been.

He saw me when he said passionate and fragmentary.

[cubbyhole-for-flea-bee]

Macaque spent the whole season Big-Damn-Hero-ing and was NOT happy about it xD

[basshole-astard]

PSA: i keep seeing posts about staying cool in extreme heat that include advice like "gatorade is bad actually!" and "don't drink fruit juice it'll just dehydrate you!" and neither of these are true!

regarding fruit juice: there's apparently a misconception that Any Sugar At All will dehydrate you, and that's simply not true. yes, sugar will make you pee more when consumed in large amounts, but 1) the natural sugar in fruits won't do this to you 2) great news! a lot of fruit juices exist without any added sugar in them! 3) honestly even having a glass of the fruit juice with added sugar won't completely dehydrate you as long as you're also drinking water throughout the day. if its hot you deserve a cold treat of a drink!!! can't go wrong with fruit juice!!!

regarding gatorade: maybe this isn't an every day drink, but guess what: if it's 110F/40C or hotter outside, and you don't have AC, or you're moving around a lot outside of the AC, and you're sweating buckets: that's when you drink a gatorade.

gatorade exists to replenish all the electrolytes (salt) and glucose (sugar) that you sweat out. YES it is meant for athletes to drink during intensive work outs and not necessarily for people who aren't doing that kind of exercise. BUT GUESS WHAT! when you're sweating buckets because you had to walk to the bus in extreme heat, that's intensive exercise. please feel free to drink a gatorade after that! that's its intended use case!!!!

no: neither of these drinks should be a total replacement for water. but drinking a lot of water and then treating yourself to a fruit juice with lunch is a good idea!!! drinking a gatorade becuase you just had to walk for 20 minutes in the heat is a good idea!!!

Please Stop Spreading Misinformation About Drinks!!! It's fine if you drink things that aren't water!!!! Yes you should probably always be drinking water but drinking something else As Well isn't going to hurt you!!!! okay!!!! its fine!!!!!!

honestly so long as you are consistently getting Any (non-alcoholic) fluids in you, you're doing great!!!!!! okay!!!! i love you stay safe <3

[recents]

idk i think what is interesting about astarion to me is the fact that you have a guy who started out an asshole (normal type) and then spent two hundred years in a very carefully and specifically crafted (by the writers of the game) Become A Terrible Person Or Die nexus. like it wasn’t just a Torment Nexus, he wasn’t just in hell, i feel like this is very important not to forget, he was in hell but it was specifically a hell designed to, over time, kill the empathy of anyone trapped in it, kill their brain’s ability to prioritize other peoples’ survival, to numb one’s conscience.

and then he gets yanked directly out of that nexus and despite that the fact that he spent, again, two hundred years in a situation that was sort of a rock tumbler for the human soul, there’s still a pebble left in there. and it’s a pebble that can be grown if placed in the right environment and provided with a support network.

so i think it becomes interesting because it really does i think force you to start thinking about the limits of free will even on as basic a level as the human personality. i think the fact that he becomes such a different character based on player choice, that his end morality is so hugely dependent on player choice, is uhhh. a big part of what the devs were going for probably.

it makes a lot of people really uncomfortable to acknowledge some bad people would be good people if literally nothing changed except they had a good support network and different circumstances. especially because it means the opposite is also true. which is even more uncomfortable.

you know that part in the beginning of fellowship of the ring where gandalf is talking about how gollum is ultimately only like that because of the ring and gandalf thinks his story is sad? astarion is kinda like if they sexualized gollum.

[catmask]

does anyone have like an anti aesthetic. like something you look at and can recognize as a complete fashion/interior design/artistic movement and understand it but it makes you shudder seeing it. i am not talking like “its morally bad” “its poorly structured” like just sheerly devoid of joy for you actually invites a repulse response.

[marsipain]

Norwegian Mikus :)

Left is Miku as a russ and right is Miku in a bunad!