#life insurance looks at your current state of health

[stormyrainyday]

Am mostly on board with this post but I have a bone to pick with the BMI section. The cited BMI article is not a reputable source; it is an opinion piece that does not cite any sources, is titled "Top 10 Reasons Why The BMI Is Bogus" (and includes "it embarrasses the US" as a reason), is from 2009, and was written by a mathematician and not a doctor. Being from NPR doesn't automatically make it correct or reputable. Misinformation and inflammatory comments like "it hangs around because of fatphobia and insurance companies" just enable people to ignore their weight as an important indicator of health. (Note that I said important; not sole. Any medical professional worth their salt knows better than to take weight in a vacuum. However this does not mean that it should be ignored entirely either).

I will start by saying both being too fat and too skinny are bad for you. However since the post specifically pins the longevity of the BMI on fatphobia, I will address that more.

Nobody wants to hear this but being obese is in fact bad for you. Not just in terms of added risk of acquiring other diseases (though you definitely ARE at increased risk for cancers, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, arthritis, and more-- it is even a well known cause of infertility and other reproductive disorders), but obesity itself is a state of chronic inflammation and a disease process in its own right.

Of course, there are still issues with the BMI; as the above poster said, it was not originally intended to be used as a measure of health, and the original study overwhelming featured Caucasian men and no women. Different races have different levels of body fat at the same BMI-- and it's more widely agreed that percent body fat is the important indicator of the diseases listed above, not necessarily your exact weight or BMI. Additionally, it's widely known that women need a higher body fat percentage than men, and that BMI misclassifies people who are pregnant, very athletic, etc because, as we know, BMI measures weight, not fat.

(As an aside, it's commonly cited that a mortality is lowest at an borderline overweight BMI of 25, but the study reporting this notes that smoking and diseases that cause severe weight loss such as cancers had a large effect mortality in lower weight ranges).

So why still use BMI? In short: it's a good starting point.

Height and weight of an individual are exceedingly easy to attain in any doctor's visit. The formula is simple and calculators are easily available, and it is easy to plot changes over time. At the population level, BMI correlates with levels of body fat and obesity related diseases; combined with the simplicity and cost-effectiveness of attaining it, that makes it a good initial screening for obesity. Furthermore, there have been race-adjusted BMI cutoffs created to help make screenings for said diseases more accurate. It's also very useful in a research setting, again because of its easy attainability, but do note that research done on a population does not apply to every single individual and therefore it's important for doctors to be educated about such limitations and use their clinical judgement. Treat the patient, not the disease, if you will.

Some articles (including ones I have cited above) do say that because of its limitations it might be better to forgo BMI altogether in favor of more accurate assessments, like waist circumference or body composition measures. These measures have their own respective pros and cons that you can read about here and therefore also require clinical judgement and patient and physician education on how to implement them appropriately.

My personal opinion remains that these should be used alongside BMI, especially the simple ones such as waist to height ratio, and use all as needed to make a complete clinical picture. Both patient and physician education is important when doing any medical testing or screening-- I'd advocate for doctors to be better educated on the strengths and limits of the BMI so they can inform their patients as to why it is being used at all, and to better use it critically when providing care. But I don't believe that it should be discounted entirely.

I can't keep having the same conversations about love languages, mbti, iq, bmi, "brain fully formed at 25" and shit over and over again...

[slashbitch2]

blood, betrayal and granola bars PT2

part one Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader W.C: 7.9k Words

The following day you both walked with a renewed energy, snacking on berries that Natalie scavenged and sharing out painkillers from the first aid kit. With the forest sloping downwards, some of the pressure was eased from your aching feet, while the thick snow that invaded your boots thinned out. Still, several times you slipped on the icy surface. Several times Nat laughed at you.

Eventually you reached a river running through the valley, which was flowing beyond its banks, having only recently thawed from the freeze. The water was deeper than usual and moving too fast to swim through. It was the first real obstacle you had encountered on the journey, and yet while Natalie only saw it as something to overcome, you saw opportunity…

“There is no way that’s going to work.” The redhead called down to you. She was sat further away, watching amusedly as you approached the bank. “And if you fall in, I’m not going to save you.”

You grasped securely onto the stick you had found and sharpened with a piece of flint. A rudimentary tool, but one you were proud of assembling. “So, you’ll save me from a bomb but not a river?" 

“Not when that river is a series of freezing cold rapids.”

Upstream there was a rock jutting out, impeding the water around it. You decided to head towards it. “Haven’t you ever been to a theme park? The river rapid rides are always the best!” You called back to her.

“Actually, no.”

Momentarily distracted from the task at hand, you turned back to Nat, mouth agape. “You’ve been in America long enough to develop an accent, but not to go to a theme park?”

She shook her head. “In case you haven’t noticed, I live a rather busy life.”

“What? Does SHIELD not give you paid holiday?” Throughout the duration of your time together, you hadn’t really acknowledged each other’s opposing profession, let alone bring it up in conversation.

But it didn’t seem to deter Nat. “And HYDRA does?”  

“Actually…” Reluctantly, you tore your gaze away from her, raising the sharpened stick above your head. “Paid days off and health insurance. It’s not a bad deal.”

“In return for what? Committing countless assassinations, orchestrating the great conflicts of the world…”

“That’s not all that different from SHIELD.”

She huffed and paused for a second before speaking. “Maybe not. But as you said, at least SHIELD wasn’t founded on Nazi ideology.”

“Please, HYDRA came from SHIELD. It’s been there from the start- Besides, it’s not like we idealise that side of history.”

“Anymore.”

You glanced back at Natalie and saw the gleam in her eyes. You took a breath, shaking off the mild irritation that had risen within you during the debate, and focused back on your hunt.

A flash of silver swam by, disturbing the riverbed around it. The water clouded for a few seconds as you scanned the space for another glimpse of the fish, then threw the makeshift spear. Nothing. You could already picture Nat saying, “I told you so.”

You bent down to retrieve the spear before it was carried away by the current, the edge of your clothes getting soaked in the process. You shivered, clenching your jaw and trying to ignore the chill that suffused across your entire body.

Another splash of water, you threw the spear again. This time, instead of dirt from the riverbed clouding the water, red liquid did. You pulled the wooden stick out from the river, seeing a fish lodged on the sharp end of it.

“Told you so.” You said smugly,

Natalie was already looking at you, a mix of surprise and impressed. An inexplicable heat rose to your cheeks. Beyond just feeling proud of yourself, you found you enjoyed the way she gazed at you. If you were to ignore the circumstances, the continuous pain inflicting some part of your body and the general state of exhaustion, you couldn’t help but admit that you were enjoying your time with her.

Part of you longed to voice this thought. But instead, you opted to say, “I think it’s your turn to light a fire.”

Unfortunately, your clothes didn’t dry off until the end of the day. You had found a shallower section of the river to cross, yet that didn’t stop the bottom half of you to remain soaking wet. Although being at a lower altitude meant the snow had all but melted away, it did nothing to lessen the cold breeze which ate away at your energy, nor stop snow from lightly falling all around you.

The flakes were just beginning to settle on the ground as the sun started to set. By this point, you were ready to collapse quite literally anywhere when Nat pointed off into the distance.

“There!” She exclaimed. As much as you tried to focus in on where she was pointing, all you saw was a mound of rock sticking out of the forest floor. “Cave.”

Stifling a laugh at her inarticulate explanation, you squinted off into the distance yet were unable to see anything. “I know the last couple days have been tiring, but I still expected you to have more eloquence than a caveman…”  

She rolled her eyes at you then began marching over.

You trailed after her, mockingly saying, “Cave- ug. Go.”

But for all you mocked her, there was a section of carved out rock, providing the perfect shelter as the sunset clouded over with the promise of more snow. After a quick once over to confirm no other creatures resided inside, you began to set up for the night. On this occasion, you had a fire lit in no time, both huddling round it and sharing out the food you had gathered throughout the day.

The wind howled outside, whistling through the cave entrance. You couldn’t decide whether it was an eerily beautiful, or unsettling sound. The one thing you were certain of, however, was how thankful you were to have come across shelter. Endless light flurries of snow were being carried by gusts of winds, and you knew that despite their weightless appearance, the impact would sting against your skin like knives.

Shaking off that particular idea, you turned back to the fire, eyes scanning over the orange glow which illuminated every crack and crevice of the rock walls. Your gaze then fell to Natalie, who seemed lost in thought. You took the opportunity to trace over the defined lines of her profile, the strands of red hair that had come loose around her face and the mesmerising green of her eyes.

Despite having been surrounded by greenery the last couple days, you were able to admire the depth of their colour anew, as though you had never seen green meadows or fern forests before. And you were certain that should you never see any natural greenery again, the colour of her irises would be sufficient to replace it.

Suddenly, Nat was looking back at you. She licked her lips. Your eyes traced the subtle movement. Usually, holding her attention made you tense, but not in this case. Not when she was looking at you so openly, so hesitant yet curious. She stared at you as though you were a comforting presence amongst all of this. As though she were savouring something inevitable that was growing between you. Something you didn’t dare to name.

You tore your gaze back to the fire and cleared your throat, your mind racing for something to say.

“I’d kill for literally anything other than berries.” You complained, ending the silence between you.  

In comparison to the fish that you had caught and cooked earlier, which was anything but gourmet, the berries tasted like flavourless mush.

“Sure, I’ll just get out Uber-Eats and we’ll see what’s available.” Natalie said sarcastically, pulling her knees to her chest.

You noticed she was shivering and couldn’t help but soften at the sight.

“Do you want my jacket?”

Natalie glanced at the sand-coloured jacket you were currently wearing. It had already acquired several stains, which wasn’t a surprise seeing as you hadn’t taken it off once. Except for now, when you slowly slipped it off your shoulders, down your arms and held it out to her.

“What’s the catch?” She asked, suspiciously eyeing up the kind gesture.

You smirked. She already knew you too well.

“Your real name.” You replied simply.

Nat considered the trade for a second, then grabbed the jacket from you and pulled it on. She sat silent for a beat but kept her promise. “It’s Natasha.”

“Natasha?” You repeated. “Wow. Real creative secret alias. I never would’ve guessed.” You couldn’t help but laugh at her, the difference between her real and fake name being so minimal that it hardly mattered.

“Shut up.” Natasha leant back, a grin playing across her lips.

“What about your surname then? You persuaded, eager to use your generous moral high ground to find out as much about the enigmatic SHIELD agent as possible.

“Oh no, now that wasn’t part of the deal.” She raised an eyebrow cockily, though you could tell her words were sincere.

“Why? Is it topic secret knowledge?” You teased. “If you tell me then you’ll have to kill me?”

“Something like that.”

“Well now I’m only more curious.” As much as you wanted to know, something in her resigned posture and pleading expression persuaded you not to push the subject any further. “But save that piece of information for another day. I need some kind of motivation to keep going.”

You stood up, turning your back to Natasha and the fire to retrieve the first aid kit from your backpack. At multiple intervals during the day, you made sure to change the makeshift bandages and plasters covering your body in some attempt at keeping everything hygienic.

“Let me do that.” Natasha offered upon seeing what you were doing.

You looked over at her, surprised to find you weren’t suspicious in the slightest of her intentions. Despite the fact that you ought to be enemies, entirely distrustful of one another, you trusted Natasha with every bone in your body. Over the last couple days, a mix of necessity and basic empathy had sparked an unexpected alliance between the two of you.

No, not alliance. Friendship. Respect. Enjoyment of each other’s company. And you were certain Nat felt it too, and so allowed her to gently take the first aid kit from your hands.

You smiled at her gratefully, aware that your eyes likely conveyed a lot more than just that and sat back down in front of the fire. She crouched down behind you, hands lightly roaming over your combat suit and assessing where the darker stains of blood were. You flinched at the contact, then relaxed into her open palm.

“It’s just the cut on my upper back and the one along my forehead I’ve been treating.” You explained.

“Are you sure? There’s a rather nasty one down here as well.” She poked a finger into your side to prove a point, causing you to jerk away from the sudden sharp pain.

You hissed through your teeth as the pain subsided. “Yep. Gotta ration supplies.” Then tugged down the top of your suit to draw her attention back to the main injury.

“Alright, hold still.” She set to work unwrapping the bandage you had crudely looped round your shoulder and arm. “This part might sting a bit.” She warned, preparing the antiseptic.

You grimaced, assuming she was going to be much more thorough with the treatment than you had been.” Just get it over with.”

Natasha began delicately cleaning the cut, putting more consideration into the work then you had expected.

“You’ve clearly done this before.” You commented as she started rewrapping the bandage  in record time.

“And you haven’t?” She stood up to check, or rather admire, how much better the gauze was looking, then moved to sit in front of you and begin work on the gash along your forehead.

“Fair point.” You conceded, averting your gaze anywhere except Natasha. “But still, I’m glad it’s you out here with me.”

You risked a glance back to Nat. She was close. Closer than you had ever been to her before. If you shifted forwards even just an inch, your lips would brush. You could close the gap so easily. You could bring her impossibly closer. You could-

“Is that gratitude I’m hearing?” She smirked. Her voice was low and raspy, her gaze darting all over your face. Beyond the smirk, a newfound hope was etched into her expression, which only softened further as your eyes met, lessening the distance between you even more.

“Maybe.”

Natasha’s smirk only grew as her head titled down slightly. For a second, you thought she might lean in, that she might kiss you… Until her attention turned back to the first aid kit, abruptly ending the building tension between the two of you.

She returned to tending to your injuries, this time the gash along your forehead. “It’s a miracle this didn’t come with a concussion.” She muttered, stroking a finger along the bruised and bleeding skin.

Your lips drew back in a weary smile. You hadn’t thought back on the whole ordeal much- or truly appreciate how lucky you were to even be alive. You had Natasha to thank for that, not that you would ever be able to recognise her efforts. Once these couple days together were over, once you returned back to civilisation and back under HYDRAs radar, the safest thing to do would be to forget any of this ever happened. To forget Natasha, for her own safety.

Your heart sunk at the idea.

“You know, I think I’m entitled to some information about you.” Natasha stated suddenly.

“How come? I thought we had a deal. The jacket for your real name.”

“Yes, and now I’m fixing this mess of your attempt at first aid. I think you owe me.”

You tutted in lieu of shaking your head, trying to stay as still as you could. “I was going to offer rebandaging your shoulder in return.”

“I don’t accept.”

“No?”

“No.” She sat back on her heels. “Tell me something about yourself instead.”

You exhaled, racking your brain for an interesting enough fact about yourself that didn’t compromise your identity. “You’ll have to be more specific… There’s just too many interesting things about me to share in one night.” You joked.

“Too interesting or too top secret?”

“Both.”

“Fine.” Natasha thought for a moment, pursing her lips- which you admittedly were rather fixated on. “Tell me about your childhood.”

Now that was something you were happy to regale her with, and began happily recounting your early life in as much detail as you could remember. Natasha listened with rapt attention, even as she finished her first aid and packed everything up, even as you tended to her shoulder in return, her focus never left you. She laughed at all the right moments, offered comfort at the more difficult points and asked only the right questions.

And then, in the dying embers of the fire, Nat told you about her childhood. The Red Room, her temporary family, her tenure as a Black Widow assassin.

“Your surname.” You were laid down facing her in the fading light of the fire when it clicked. “You’re Natasha Romanov. SHIELD’s infamous Black widow. An Avenger.”

The identity of SHIELD’s most prolific assassin had only come to light recently with HYDRA unveiling their grand plan. As your organisation stepped into the limelight, so had Natasha, subsequently becoming a top priority for elimination. One of your superiors had told you that as long as she lived, so did the public’s support for SHIELD since she represented a link between the beloved Avengers and the secret service that she served.

Across from you, Natasha nodded; the movement almost imperceptible. Her pupils darted uncharacteristically nervously across your face trying to gauge how you would react. “Does that bother you?”

Of course it didn’t. Out here in the middle of nowhere, none of it mattered.

“No.”

She frowned. “Well, it should.”

“Well, it doesn’t.” You snapped, though not unkindly.

Natasha’s past didn’t matter to you. All that mattered was your time together, in which you had grown fond of her. The real her. Not some made up identity or emotionless figure, but her. You were trained well enough to recognise a liar, which she most certainly was not. Nobody would be able to keep up appearances in the circumstances you were under, let alone remain so authentic yet likeable. You had come to accept the unavoidable fact that she was your only motivation, your only solace through this harsh reality.

Even now, in this freezing cold cave in the middle of the Russian wilderness, you were at peace because of her. You shivered, unsure whether it was due to the cold, or the intense feelings you had repressed for so long.

“You’re cold.” Natasha commented, ever observant. She sat up. You realised it was to take off the jacket.

“No, don’t.” You swallowed, summoning up as much bravery as you had left. “Just- come here.” You patted the rock-hard ground next to you, and waited, watched as Natasha sized up the offer.

You let out a breath you didn’t realise you had been holding when she shuffled over to you. Then found yourself at a loss of breath again when she lay down next to you. There was a moment of stillness, of darkness as the final light from the fire dwindled away. And then an arm stretched round your waist, hand resting at the base of your spine.

Instinctively, you scooted closer, turned so her front was against your back, and settled in the embrace instantly feeling warmer.

The two of you intertwined so perfectly, so comfortably. It felt so natural that you wondered how you had ever slept without her by your side before. Now that was a thought you really couldn’t entertain.

“For body heat.” You explained unnecessarily to the silence, more to convince yourself rather than ease any non-existent awkwardness about the situation.

Natasha hummed in agreement. The vibration sending a pleasant warmth through your own body. It was in this soft embrace that you fully relaxed, comforted by the gentle rise and fall of her chest, lulled to sleep by the rhythmic sound of her breathing, the warm breath fanning across the back of your neck.

It was perfect.

Natasha was the first one to wake up and carefully untangle herself from you. It wasn’t until sunlight started to filter into the cave that you awoke, bringing an end to the privacy of your own little world within the rocky walls. You panicked momentarily upon realising Nat was nowhere to be found, but upon reaching the entrance to the cave, she reappeared with a rejuvenated expression on her face.

“There’s smoke rising in the distance, just beyond that hill.” She pointed to the rather steep incline you had been dreading to face, from which sunlight was only just peaking over the summit. “I think we might be near a settlement.”

Her suggestion filled you with renewed hope, though you were hesitant to show it, too preoccupied by the question of what would happen once you reached civilisation. Despite everything, would Nat turn you over to SHIELD? Would she reveal what she had discovered about your identity? That would almost certainly get you into trouble. Perhaps even put your life at risk.

Or would you go your separate ways pretending to have never met? No- you were certain that was impossible.

“Alright then.” You gazed out at the horizon and preparing yourself for whatever awaited you. “Let’s get moving then.

To your relief, and dismay as much as you tried to deny it, Natasha was right. As you crested the hill, a small village sprawled out on the flats below. It consisted of about fifty houses, one factory with two soot covered chimneys, a handful of fields with some ill looking cows and one road leading in and out. Hardly a luxurious welcome back to civilisation, but what else were you expecting.

Natasha’s pace quickened as you drew nearer, something you really shouldn’t take personally, yet did. Any reasonable person would be relieved that your journey was coming to an end, would be counting themselves lucky to have survived and covered so much distance without any issues. In fact, you yourself were rather looking forward to a change of clothes, a comfortable bed and food that wasn’t foraged or hunted.

It was hypocritical of you to think, but jealousy and insecurity took Natasha’s eagerness as a sign that she was well and truly sick of you. Ready to leave you behind for good.

As you drew near to the outskirts, walking in between the old wooden houses scattered untidily about, a dog came running out to bark at your arrival. It leapt and bounded around you, signifying to all nearby that someone was arriving. You and Natasha walked side by side in silence, feeling the weight of several pairs of eyes tracking your movement. An old man sat on the porch of his house grudgingly and brazenly stared you down, a clear sign that the town didn’t usually see many visitors.

The whole atmosphere was uncomfortable.

“I’m assuming you speak Russian fluently.” You muttered to Nat, clenching your jaw and squaring back your shoulders.

“да.” Was her response, which she then translated as meaning “yes.”

“I gathered that.” You passed yet another resident who looked ready to spit on you, finding the town didn’t become more accommodating the further in you travelled. “Have at it then.” You gestured round the area which appeared to be the main street, although the name hardly did it justice.

There was no formal road or signs naming it, rather a more defined set of tire tracks that marked it as the most frequented street. One of the buildings had a sign labelling it as a grocery store, though was the smallest on the street. You could hardly imagine it would provide much beyond the basics- yet the main problem remained that you had no money on you, nor form of identification or anything.

Nonetheless, it was where Natasha went, and where you wordlessly followed her to.

As predicted, the shop didn’t have much produce to choose from. You browsed aimlessly as Nat spoke to the woman behind the counter, who was the first person not to glower at you. Although you understood some basic Russian, you left the two to talk, occasionally picking up on words you could just about decipher meaning from.

Nat returned to inform you that the woman- Anya- had a room above the shop that she was renting out, and that the town had an ATM located by the factory. Nat had already devised a plan that you would allow Anya to show you round while she went to retrieve cash. You truly had no idea how Nat planned to do so without a credit card, but decided it was best not to question her methods.

“I’ll be back in half an hour at most.” Natasha must have seen the doubt on your face as she informed you before departing.

“Alright.” You swallowed back your hesitancy and nodded, feeling rather strange to be separating from Nat for the first time in days. The urge to reach out and hug her suddenly arose, though you were quick to quell it. You smiled reassuringly instead, watching as she darted out the door and back into the cold Russian air.

“This way, yes?” Anya announced in strong accented English, beckoning for you to follow.

Trying your best to put on a grateful expression, you nodded and accompanied her up a rickety set of stairs to the spare room. Anya did her best to present the property, though the language barrier made it difficult, coupled with the fact you were anxiously glancing out the window every other minute in hopes of catching sight of the redhead returning. Although the spare room was just as she had described. A room. Nothing more, nothing less. One bed, one armchair, one dresser and a view out to the ‘main street.’

The bathroom was downstairs, next to the shop storage room- tad unhygienic- and was hardly an improvement on the amenities over the last few days. Still, you listened attentively and smiled politely as Anya gave her tour. She seemed grateful that someone was finally interested, and you couldn’t help but feel bad about the fact you were only going to rent it for a few days. But with no hotel in town, there were no alternatives.

You and Natasha hadn’t spoken about how this was all going to play out, being too afraid to have hope. Now that it was actually here, you found yourself rather conflicted, unable to plan further ahead than the next five minutes.

Anya ended her tour in the storage room, where you spotted something which sent a thrum of excitement suffusing through your body. A phone. Simply hanging from the wall, available for use at any time. Such a mundane object, and yet it brought you into the present, back to reality with a sudden jolt of realisation. All it would take was typing in the eleven digits, lifting the microphone to your mouth and speaking. But who would you call?

A family member? They would certainly be glad to hear from you, but likely unable to help your current situation.

The Embassy? You would be able to leave Russia more anonymously that way, making HYDRA less likely to question your lacking presence following the destruction of your base.

Or HYDRA themselves? They were the most obvious answer. You were a high ranking official, and they would willingly send aid to your location. You could be back in no time, with little effort beyond corroborating some account of the event. But that would put Natasha in danger.

After all you had been through together, you wouldn’t put her through that.

You at least owed that to her, and crushed the idea as quickly as it had come. You would allow her to disappear first, or for you to go your separate ways before contacting HYDRA.

You heard the door of the shop open, your heart skipping a beat at the sound knowing who it was likely to be.

“Hey.” Natasha grinned at you, her hands clutching literally wads of cash.

“Welcome home, honey.” You joked, watching as Nat placed the money down on the counter. She started counting out the correct amount, Anya’s eyes lighting up as she collected the bills. From what you had picked up from their earlier conversation, she had paid her about a month’s rent. There was no need to give her so much since you wouldn't be staying long, but your chest warmed in recognition of Nat’s considerate nature regardless.

“There’s a tiny restaurant in the middle of town- if you could call it that. The place is basically a shed in some guy’s back garden.” Nat explained. “But I was thinking we could go for dinner.”

“Dinner?” You repeated, face flushing at the connotations.

“Yeah.” She shrugged. “It’s a meal you have after lunch, in the evening before bed-“

“Very funny.” You interrupted with a roll of your eyes. “Yes, I would love to go to dinner with you, Miss Romanov.”

“Alright.” Nat smiled to herself, said something to Anya who nodded vehemently, then turned back to you. “But shower first?” She suggested, to which you gasped playfully.

“Not a fan of the Eau de forest?”  

She scrunched up her face.

“Fine. I get the hint.”

Showering had never felt so good. Even if the water was cold, and the shower floor was somehow sticky, it was still blissful…

For some extra cash, Anya had provided you with clean clothes from her own wardrobe, which meant you were able to change out of your disgusting, blood soaked, dirt encrusted combat suit and into fresh, clean fabric, which felt amazing. Even if her fashion sense was very traditional, the dress length very conservative, and Natasha finding your appearance highly amusing, you were grateful, nonetheless.

However, to your annoyance, Nat somehow looked perfectly normal in the style. Daresay she made it look good. But you weren’t jealous, instead considering yourself lucky that you were able to admire her at all.

The next couple hours were spent simply doing nothing. After your shower you all but collapsed into the old armchair in the corner of the room, which was so plush and easy to sink into that you had fallen asleep within five minutes. You would’ve preferred to take the bed, but had decided to leave it in case Nat wanted to sleep.

You weren’t sure whether she did or not, as next thing you knew, she was gently shaking you awake. The room had succumbed to darkness, apart from the last vestiges of sunset casting a purple hue through the window. For a brief second, you had no clue as to where you were until your gaze fell upon Natasha.

She was leaning over you, eyes blinking sleepily as she waited for you to jolt back to life. Your initial confusion became inconsequential at the sight of her; so open and vulnerable, so close to you in the fading sunlight. You swelled with pride at earning her trust so easily. It had come so naturally to you, in a way that it never had with anyone else, and in return, you cared for her more than you dared to admit.

“What time is it?” You pushed yourself into a seating position, if only to pull yourself closer to Nat.

“Six-thirty.” She answered. “We both fell asleep.”

You yawned, stretched and reluctantly stood up, ignoring the click of your overworked joints.

“Do you still want to go to dinner?” Nat asked.

You shot her an incredulous look. “Of course. I never pass up the opportunity for some fine Russian cuisine.”

“All naturally sourced, I’m assured. If you’re lucky there might even be buckthorn on the menu.”

You groaned. “If I even think about eating those damn berries ever again, I’ll throw up.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Yes. On you.”

Nat chuckled, grabbed something on the end of the bed and chucked it over to you.

“This jacket, seriously?” You stared at the sand-coloured item, which was almost brown by this point.

“Returned to you as promised.” She shrugged playfully.

“I’m not sure I want it back anymore.” Regardless, you tugged the jacket over the ridiculously puffy sleeves of the dress Anya had leant you. “How do I look?”

Her gaze swept from head to toe. You couldn’t help but bask in the attention.

“Like you’re ready for a night out on the town.” She concluded, opening the door for you.

The two of you strolled leisurely through the deserted town, both ignoring how each other’s stomachs cried at the promise of proper food. Part of you wanted to run to the restaurant, part of you wanted to savour your remaining time with Nat, and part of you was sensible enough to realise you had no idea where the establishment actually was.

In fact, you would’ve walked right past it if Nat hadn’t directed you inside.

The building was quite literally a wooden shed attached to some guy’s house, promising anything but the finest. The interior was rustic at best, the walls made from spruce logs stacked unevenly, and illuminated by a single string of fairy lights stretched across the square room. There was only space for three tables, with two already having been pushed to the side, and the third sat conveniently next to a space heater.

“Wow. Business is booming. Are you sure we’ll be able to get a table?” You joked, trying to spot the owner of the establishment. It felt like you had walked into someone’s home rather than a public restaurant.

“Give it a chance. It’s charming.”

At her reasoning, you focused on Nat in lieu of judging the place too harshly. You found that anywhere would have been good enough so long as she was there with you. Whether it be an uncomfortable cave, in the elements weathering the cold together, or in a secluded town with no real recognisable restaurant, you were able to appreciate it. Purely because of Natasha Romanoff. The woman who ought to be your enemy, yet you had never brought yourself to hate.

As you sat down on the rickety wooden chair opposite, you saw in her soft expression that she was the same. Neither said it but you both felt it.

Less than a minute after taking a seat, a waiter did emerge. He was perhaps the youngest person you had seen in town so far and spoke no English, but was kind. After leaving you with a handwritten note that was supposed to act as the menu, Nat briefly translated everything he had said. That he ran the place by himself, acting as waiter, cleaner and chef, and that you were the first customers he had seen in weeks besides his parents.

“You’re right. This place is charming.”

“Oh, so you’ve changed your mind now you feel bad?”

“Is that so wrong?” You leant forward on your elbow, trying to peer at the menu which Natasha was hiding behind. “I’m supporting local businesses.”

“How can you be supporting when I’m the one with the cash.” She held the menu out to you. “The wine is imported so it’s all in English.”

You took the sheet of paper from her. “I’ve been meaning to ask; how did you use the ATM without a card?” You skimmed down to the readable section, eyes flittering across the albeit short list of drinks.

“That’s a secret I’m afraid.”

“Of course, it is.”

The waiter returned and promptly took your orders. Not understanding enough Russian to read the menu, you had allowed Natasha to pick something out on your behalf. You weren’t really sure why, considering that in the grand scheme of things she knew nothing about your likes and dislikes, but that hadn’t seemed important at the time.

“I would ask how you are,” you said, denting a silence that hadn’t exactly been awkward, “but I think I already know the answer.”

“Tired.” She answered with a lopsided grin. “But I’m kind of used to it now.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t keep you up too long.”

Natasha didn’t say anything as the bottle of wine arrived in a chilled bucket, surprisingly well presented despite expectations. He poured out two glasses, bowed his head politely and left.

You rested your hand around the glass, studying the light golden colour of the liquid amplified by the warm lighting. In it, you saw sunrises over snowy hills, you saw dwindling firelight reflecting on cave walls, you saw the warmth of Natasha’s auburn hair.

A hand rested faintly atop of yours, fingers steadily seeking permission to intertwine with your own. Slowly, you untangled your grip around the stem of the glass, turned your hand over and felt her palm slide softly against yours. Neither you nor Natasha said anything, content to lose yourself in the humble contact.

After a minute, you glanced up at her, taken aback by the sad, far-away look on her face. You wondered whether it had dawned on her that your time together was running out, whether she was as distraught about that fact as you.

But no, that explanation didn’t suit her. A more fitting label would be regret.

“Hey.” You spoke softly as to draw her attention back in a gentle manner. “What exactly did you order for me?”

She didn’t glance up from your connected hands but smiled. “I thought it was meant to be a surprise.”

“Alright.” You conceded. “I trust you to pick out something good anyway.”

The palpable guilt on her face only worsened. A daunting sickness began to rise up through your chest, evoked by the chilling sensation that something here wasn’t quite right. Nonetheless, you were determined to enjoy yourself, and so persisted with the evening as though a tense suspicion wasn’t present in your mind at all times.

Natasha did eventually seem to snap out of whatever she was feeling, and conversation begun to flow easily between you both. You were able to talk about nothing and everything at the same time: only teasing, light-hearted conversation that you both held onto as if it were the most important thing you had heard in your entire life.

The waiter returned with your dishes about twenty minutes later. You still had no idea exactly what Nat had ordered for you, but it was delicious nonetheless, being the first real food that you had eaten in days. The meal filled a void you had become numb to in all you endured, a newfound energy returning to your body.

Placing down your knife and fork, you looked up at Natasha fondly, admiring her as though it were the last time. Her hair washed and recently dried fell down her shoulders in natural waves of red- almost the same shade as her lips, you noticed. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and her eyes appeared darker than usual, though the corners of her mouth quirked up. The cuts and bruises across her face remained, but with less contrast against the pale of her skin, as any mark of that last few days together was gradually fading.

And as they faded, your emotions- your hurt- only grew. For you soon realised what she had done.   

The sound of helicopter blades whirling through the crisp night air came into focus, grew closer and closer, louder and louder. You cocked your head to the side an inch to try and pinpoint from which direction they were approaching.

“Here comes the cavalry…” You murmured bitterly.

“Y/N.” Natasha reached out to firmly grab your hand, her grasp no longer tentative. “Don’t run.” She glared at you imploringly. Then added, quieter, “Please.”

You stared back at her, your jaw tightening as you willed any reaction to keep at bay. “Why?” Your eyes shone with betrayal. “Just for SHIELD to capture me? To interrogate and lock me up?”

“That won’t happen.” Despite the certainty of her words, her voice shook. “I won’t let them-“

“Then what?” You interrupted. “They let me go with my identity compromised? HYDRA would have me killed in a heartbeat.”

“Not under SHIELD surveillance. We can protect you.”

“And what kind of life would that be?”

“One with me.”

You paused, your mind going blank.

“It might not be perfect,” She continued. “But I don’t want to leave you just yet.”

You detected a hint of fear in her voice, recognising the toll it had taken on Nat to say what she truly felt. But as much as you felt the same, anger swirled around inside of you like fire, stoked by even the slightest of things. “I didn’t take you as such a selfish person.” You snapped.

You were wasting time, and shot up from your seat, throwing your napkin down onto the table. The building was likely to be imminently surrounded by SHIELD agents, you needed to escape before it was too late.

You surveyed the room, blinking away the tears already welling up. Going out the main entrance would lead you back into the centre of town to be easily trapped, whereas the door the waiter went in and out of would probably take you through his own house. You decided that was the better option, grabbing the jacket from where it was hung over the back of the chair and preparing to run.

Natasha abruptly stood up, tried taking a step towards you, shock and hurt reflected in her gaze.

You had truly upset her and immediately wanted to apologise, but instinctively took a step away from her. “I’m sorry I can’t-“ You tried, but found yourself at a loss for words. “It was nice knowing you, Natasha.” You forced out instead.

Nat opened her mouth to say something. Then closed it again.

So, you turned on your heels and ran. Her betrayal weighed heavily on your heart, but you refused to let it slow you down.

You burst through the backdoor, shoving past the waiter who was returning to collect your empty plates. He grunted at the impact, but you just carried on through the back garden and into his house, trailing snowy footprints along his carpet you. The helicopter above only grew louder, and out the windows you saw shadowy figures drawing nearer, surrounding the house. You had no weapons on you, and the long dress didn’t allow for much movement, but under no circumstances could you allow yourself to be captured.

You walked briskly through the living room and into the kitchen, stopping as you spotted a knife gleaming on the countertop. Deeming it sharp enough, you grabbed it, plunged it into the hemline of your dress and roughly dragged the blade along the fabric. You heard a terrible tearing sound and continued to frantically pull at the cut section until you had ripped all the way around.

The door you had entered through slammed open once more. “Y/N!”  It was Natasha. Your heart sunk down into your stomach.

You would’ve preferred an armed SHIELD operative…

Without a second thought, you dashed out the side door, where nothing but an expanse of snow-covered fields awaited. A horrible sense of Deja-vu surfaced in your mind as you realised you were practically going to relive the last couple days of traversing the Russian wilderness, only this time alone and without any supplies or real weapon.

“FREEZE!” Like an answer to your unvoiced prayers, the first SHIELD agent arrived on the scene. He was young, fresh faced and inexperienced, but aiming a gun square at your chest.

You ducked, heard a bullet fire, then rammed straight into the man and slammed him into the ground. His gun flew out of his hand, skidding across the icy surface. You ungracefully launched yourself over the weapon, grabbed it and stood up.

Under the cover of darkness, you aimed it at the soldier, breathing heavily as he looked up at you with wide, innocent eyes.

“Go.” You spat, gestured for him to run and watched as he hauled himself up.

He glanced at you fearfully, then turned and sprinted back in the direction of town. You summarised this was most likely where the main group would be waiting to ambush, and instead looked out in the opposite direction for where to aim for. About half a mile away was a gathering of trees. With the helicopter still hovering somewhere above, you would need the covering of the forest to truly disappear.

“Y/N?”

You squeezed your eyes shut, tried desperately to ignore the desire to turn and face her. You knew it would only slow you down, and perhaps that was what she intended to happen. You knew Natasha Romanov would be your downfall… And yet, you still spared a glance back.

Natasha was stood in the doorway of the house, the light from behind casting her shadow onto the sheet of snow. Despite everything, you couldn’t help but think how beautiful she looked like this; studying you so intensely, her face carrying such raw emotion that you could hardly stand to see her this way. Guilt. Loss. Shock. Hope. Screw your entitled sense of betrayal- you wanted to wipe the weight of what she had done from her conscience.

You threw down the gun, crossing the distance between the two of you in a span of three seconds. She stepped down to meet you, arms wrapping around your waist as your hands grasped hold of her face. You pulled her in, lips crashing together as she leant into you. Her lips were chapped but warm, fervently pressed against you as though the need for oxygen had entirely dissipated.

Natasha kissed you urgently, held onto you desperately, hopelessly. Yet in her embrace, everything else faded away to become inconsequential. Her arms tightened around your waist as your lips parted, a plea not to let go. You took in a shuddering breath, rested your forehead against hers and kept your eyes closed, content just to be with her.

For the first time since meeting Natasha Romanoff, you felt you fully understood her. This wasn’t some ploy to make you change your mind or distract you long enough for SHIELD to catch up, nor was it even a goodbye. This was her assurance that someday things would be different, that your story wasn’t over.

That someday you would meet again and finally get it right.

You opened your eyes, finding Natasha’s still to be closed. Reluctantly, you removed your hands from her face, kissing her cheek so that she would just look at you one last time.

And with that, you separated, keeping your gaze fixed on her for as long as possible.

Natasha swallowed her grief. “I’ll distract them.” She nodded, then smiled at you sadly. “Now run.”

Too grateful for words to convey, and too distraught to even try, you bent down to grab the gun before sprinting into the cold Russian night. Your lungs burned; your body ached with each step as you dashed for cover amongst the trees. Your heart was thudding in your chest- as though it wanted to escape and fly back to Natasha, to whom it now belonged.

You reached the forest, an inescapable sense of familiarity dousing you in cold disappointment. Thorny bushes scratched at your exposed legs, mud splashing up your calves. You skidded to a halt in a ditch, crouching down to catch your breath momentarily. You knew you would need to run further to truly disappear from SHIELD, but with the light dusting of snow leaving an easily trackable path, you would need to throw them off the trail first.  

Hands patted down your form, looking for something to leave behind somewhere to mislead them. A loose thread of fabric from where you had torn the dress, a strand of your own hair, anything… Feeling something solid in the jacket pocket, you reached in, fingers brushing against plastic.

You frowned and pulled out the mystery object.

An unconscious smile stretched across your lips as the neon green wrapper of a granola bar fell into your open palm; left behind, half eaten by Nat. You turned the inane trinket over in your hand, feeling strangely nostalgic for not so long ago when something caught your eye.

Barely visible in the dim light was a note scribbled on the inside of the packet. The writing was smudged and almost illegible in the small blank space, but your trembling hands unfolded it with the upmost caution.

If you don’t hate me for what I did. Flat no.4, 34 Peterdy St, Budapest- NR

You exhaled deeply, leant back on your heels, and stared up at the night sky.

Natasha had known you would run, already having prepared a second chance: this one you wouldn’t miss. And you certainly didn’t hate her for it. In fact, the brief enigmatic note set your heart soaring, as in that moment, you knew your journey with Natasha Romanoff was only just beginning.

next >

[lazyscience]

So for my followers who come with a factory-installed uterus I know you're concerned about your health and autonomy. And you well should be

But here's something all of you should be thinking about and planning for no matter what your plumbing - if Trump goes through with putting RFK Jr. in a position of power as far as the Department of Health and Human Services, he could do a LOT of damage as far as vaccines. Vaccines are not super profitable for pharma companies, despite what cranks think; they take a LOT of development for only a few uses. Vaccines are driven by public health requirements and a lot of places would shrug and say "ok, bet" if there isn't a guaranteed market for them.

The professional medical community will still have recommendations about when and how to vaccinate, but they won't have the force of law, and insurance will probably smell blood in the water and start kicking up a fuss about covering vaccines when they're not required. So then when doctors recommend them there'll be suspicion and pushback that they're just doing it for "kickbacks" even though the only doctor who would have gotten paid for vaccine is ironically Andrew Wakefield, the lying fuckshit, because his whole "vaccines cause autism" lie was to push his OWN, SPECIAL proprietary vaccines that wouldn't cause his made-up syndrome, because NO vaccines were causing it. May he roast somewhere warm when the devil comes for him.

This will not happen immediately, but. Because there will no doubt be anticipatory compliance on the part of drug companies and healthcare systems. I HIGHLY advise you get the fuck out there and get your Tdap updated (tetanus, diptheria and pertussis). Whooping cough is out there, and it is horrible for babies. If you are eligible for shingles vaccine and haven't done it, get that. Get your COVID vax if you haven't, there might not BE another one, at least not that's available in the US.

If you have kids, especially make sure THEY'RE up to date because their classmates might very well not be mandated to get them any more - state regulations will undoubtedly vary, but with the current composition of the Court, it will rule in favor of every possible exemption for antivaxxers as possible because the conservatives are all "fuck the weakest of us, I got mine fuck you." And expect idiocy like "pox parties" to spread (not like the average suburban parent can tell measles from rubella from chicken pox from hand foot and mouth by fuckin' looking at it, who knows what the christ they're going to be passing around). Measles is NOT just a "bit of a rash." Rubella is the world's leading preventable cause of birth defects. Chickenpox can result in scarring, encephalitis causing blindness or even death, and the risk of shingles later in life. I have a cousin who would be 57 this year who died as a toddler from hemophilus influenzae strain B meningitis, one of those "too many" childhood vaccines that were invented in the 1990s. Tell my aunt that's too many vaccines -oh, wait, you can't, she fucking killed herself out of grief her baby died.

tweens? get them the HPV vaccine if they haven't gotten it (given its associations with sex it'll probably be one of the first to go, but it prevents CANCER. who wants their child to get cervical cancer, or penile cancer, or throat cancer, or rectal cancer? IT PREVENTS CANCER. JUST DO IT.)

Similarly, if you have a child with any kind of immune issue that precludes vaccination, I would very much look into homeschooling, because bye-bye herd immunity.

If you have teenage kids, encourage them to update their Tdap and get the meningiococcal meningitis vaccine if they haven't been mandated to already by campus policy. Tetanus and meningitis aren't common, but they are frequently permanently life-altering when they're not fatal. We're talking months in the hospital. I'm old enough that I remember people fucking dying in college, and the panic that went around campus every time one of those breakouts happened in the state wondering if it would make its way to our campus.

Stay safe out there. I have no idea what this will do to our already teetering healthcare system but I don't think it'll be pretty. Everybody pray Trump pulls his usual scam and hangs RFK Jr. out to dry, because while the plutocrats consider regulations an unnecessary burden, they don't have a stake in creating a public health state of emergency when we already have a workforce not keeping up with demand, unlike Captain Convenient Brain Worm.

[spacelazarwolf]

That reply completely glossed over op's point that if you're GNC and you want to go to a business meant to aid you in your presentation (an explicitly GNC presentation!) you're more than correct in feeling unsafe. The kind of nb people they're referring to are explicitly non-GNC in their presentation. Every time I go to the barber I feel anxious and worried at what their reaction to me, extremely non-passing trans man, will be. The same goes for a non-passing trans woman (augmented, even)

The most the average nb person who isn't going out of their way to present differently from their agab (which is VALID, btw. Like the op said they don't *owe* anyone androgyny) would have to deal with is misgendering, but for the most part I don't think a nail salon is going to ask for your pronouns when you come in and refuse service if you give the "wrong" ones

yeah i think people were getting very fixated on that example and not really understanding what the point of it was. part of it i think is because the op didn't explain it very well, but also this is tumblr dot com where we piss on the poor daily. the point wasn’t “asking for a trans friendly business if you’re not visibly trans is stupid and bad”, it’s “are you afraid someone isn't going to understand that you're nonbinary and will assume you're cis unless you say something? or are you afraid someone will refuse you service or treat you poorly?"

when i was pre t and looking for places to get my haircut, when i kept it longer and more "feminine", i didn't have a problem finding places to go. i just showed up, said i wanted a trim, and that was it. when i decided i wanted to cut it shorter and get a "men's cut", i had a lot of trouble finding someone who would even do it. over and over i would get hairdressers (all women) who would give me pixie cuts instead of men's cuts. i once spent two hours at the salon repeatedly telling the hairdresser "go shorter" because she literally would not just buzz it and insisted we go little by little in case we went "too short." but they still provided me service. it wasn't until i found my current hairdresser, who is a gay man, that i started getting the cuts i actually wanted. and now that t is making my voice drop and most importantly in this context changing my hairline in a noticeable way, it is imperative that i have a barber who is trans friendly. because people can absolutely react badly to discussions about pronouns, but when there is a physical marker of Gender Difference, that's when i noticed people started getting more aggressive. that's when i started to notice "oh this isn't just really uncomfortable and shitty anymore, this person doesn't want to mock me, this person wants to hurt me." both sucked, but one was significantly more terrifying to experience.

an example that is probably more relevant to the topic and what's currently happening in my life is a conversation i had with a friend of mine who is nonbinary, was assigned female at birth, presents feminine, and has no interest in any aspect of medical transition. love that for them! but trying to talk to them about losing my access to hrt is nearly impossible because they simply do not understand the severity of it. they have compared me losing a job because my coworkers found out i was trans, and being unable to do anything about it because my state is an at-will state, to their coworker misgendering them their first day at work when they were not wearing their usual pronoun pin.

does getting misgendered at work suck? yeah. does it suck to have to wear a pin with pronouns on it just to get people to use the correct ones? yeah. is this indicative of a larger societal problem with cis normativity and the gender binary? absolutely. but the sting of being misgendered in the moment and having to correct someone (who from then on used the correct pronouns) is absolutely not the same as losing your health insurance and only source of income and housing all within the span of two months.

the problem isn't that You Must Be This Oppressed To Talk, the problem is that interrupting a conversation about the government legislating your right to exist to center a moment of personal discomfort is an asshole thing to do.

[wolfcrows]

commissions are open!

hello! my name is Daniel, i’m a trans, autistic, chronically ill, immigrant to the Netherlands who, due to only having a student residence permit, is limited to working only 16hrs per week, which i am currently unable to do because i’m starting an internship via my study programme and am writing my thesis this year!

living, in general, is expensive. my medications alone are extremely expensive, as i am not eligible for Dutch health insurance yet and have to pay everything out of pocket. i am currently financially supported by my parents, but i’d like to start building my savings and paying for things myself, because i can’t rely on them for the rest of my life. so… commissions are open!

a couple notes:

- payment is 100% up front, but i know we’re all in tough spots these days, so if needed i can accept 50% up front, 50% within 2 weeks after your piece is finished

- as stated above, i reserve the right to refuse to draw anything i am uncomfortable with.

thanks so much in advance!! i’m looking forward to getting back to drawing regularly!

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender No Outbreak AU - Ch. 2

You and Joel have a conversation. A continuation of Lavender No Outbreak AU Ch. 1 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: SMUT! I'm not gonna get into detail, it's smutty guys. Just lean into it. Discussion of pregnancy. Minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 6.6k

Joel’s grip was so loose on you that you took your arm back and left him there, staring where you’d been standing. You went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from a catering tray, and ducked into a bathroom. You rinsed your mouth out before sitting on the toilet lid and chugging the rest of the water, trying to make yourself take full, deep breaths and not dissolve into a state of panic. The band was still playing outside, an occasional loud laugh made its way through the walls to your little panic room. It was strange, that life was just going on for everyone else and everything had ground to a halt for you. 

You finished the water and rinsed your mouth out with the Listerine from your purse before you took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door. 

Joel was standing there, leaning against the wall next to the door, making you jump. 

“Sorry,” he said. His eyes kept drifting to your stomach. “Wasn’t trying to scare you…” 

“Let me find Cass,” you said, crossing one arm protectively in front of yourself, holding on to your elbow. “Then we can go and… Talk.” 

“Yeah.” 

Cassie knew what happened the second she saw you, her eyebrows drawing together. She pulled you into a quick hug. 

“Text me,” she said, giving you a squeeze. “Love you.” 

“Love you too,” you squeezed her back. 

 Joel opened your door for you but the drive was quiet. You chewed your lower lip and fidgeted with the hem of your sweater. 

“We could go to that coffee shop you like,” he said after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. 

“Sure,” you said, glancing at him. His jaw was tight, his hand on the wheel tense. Your stomach twisted. 

You were both silent again, your arms crossed over your stomach, covering the gnawing hollowness at the center of you. You could practically see Joel’s wheels turning and it was exactly what you didn’t want. There wasn’t a problem here for him to solve, you didn’t WANT his help, you didn’t WANT him thinking shit through. You bit your lip. 

He tried to order for you at the coffee shop but you cut him off when he started to say “iced lavender latte.” 

“Just a decaf coffee,” you said quickly. He frowned and you shrugged. “Caffeine.” 

“Right…” 

You sat down at the same table you’d been at when you’d first met him. You wondered if he remembered that, too. Probably not. 

“So you’re…” he began. 

“Yeah.” 

“And…” he paused, looking at his coffee cup on the table. He turned the paper cup in his big hand, back and forth. “And you’re sure it’s mine? It’s… it’s been a few months…” 

That stung. ‘It’s been a few months.’ Did that mean he’d moved on? At least to fucking someone else? As though it was perfectly reasonable to expect that after three years together… 

“It’s yours,” you replied. 

He took a deep breath. 

“OK,” he said, nodding slowly. “OK, we can figure…” 

“There doesn’t need to be a we,” you replied, watching him from across the table. “I’m not here because I want or need your help, Joel, I’m here because telling you is the right thing to do. But I don’t need anything from you.” 

He frowned. 

“You don’t…” 

“I don’t want your help,” you replied. “I can leave you off the birth certificate, if you want. Or we can figure something out where they visit you or you visit them when they’re big enough. Whatever you’re comfortable with. But I have a plan and I don’t need your help.” 

“What’s your plan?” He asked, still frowning. 

“I’m finishing the extra classes I’m taking this semester,” you said. “So that will be off my plate. I’m due in late March or early April - haven’t had the ultrasound yet but that’s the current estimate. I’ve got good health insurance and maternity leave at school. My expenses have been pretty low the last few years because I’ve been living with Nan so I’ve got what I didn’t spend on school in savings. I haven’t… Nan doesn’t know yet, so I might need to work out a new place to live but that’s doable and Louisa said I can stay with her for a bit if there’s a snag…”

“What do you mean if there’s a snag?” He asked. 

“Well Nan’s Nan,” you shrugged. “Don’t see her being thrilled about any of this. If she throws me out I wanted to have options…” 

“You really think she’d do that?” He looked upset. Mad, almost. “After you moved back there to take care of her…” 

“She’s going to say I’m making the same mistakes as my mother,” you said. “And she’s going to be pissed about it, I don’t blame her. Once she figures out she’s not going to be saddled with another kid she didn’t want I think she’ll warm up a bit but I’m not sure how it’s going to go before that. So I have a plan.

“Anyway, when school starts up again in the fall, Louisa’s got an in at a day care close to campus,” you said. “I’ll be able to go by on lunch…” 

“How are you going to handle medical school with a baby?” He asked. “Especially on your own?” 

“I’m not,” you laughed, looking at him like he was crazy. “Joel, medical school is off the table for now. I’m finishing the premed degree because I’m almost done with it and this semester is already paid for but medical school isn’t going to happen for years, if it happens at all.” 

“No,” he shook his head. “No, the whole… You can’t just not go…” 

“Yes I can,” you shrugged. His jaw was clenched. “Look, it’s not like it’s some big tragedy. So I don’t go to medical school, there’s one fewer doctor in the world, so what? I like teaching, I think I’m good at it. It’s fine if I’m a teacher for the rest of my life…”

“But it’s not what you want,” he was watching you. 

You shrugged. 

“Not about me anymore,” you said. “I’m not going to do what my parents did. This is my child, I love them. I’m going to put them first.” 

He ran his hands through his hair and looked up at the ceiling for a moment. 

“How did this happen?” He asked, looking back at you, sounding mad again. 

“I mean, you were there for the important part of that,” you laughed a little. “Think you’d know…” 

“No,” he shook his head. “No, you were on the pill…” 

“Yeah,” you shrugged. “But it’s not 100% effective, especially when you don’t always use it right and I’ll be the first to admit I’m not as responsible as I should be when I’m away from home. I took it late a few days, missed it twice…” 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” he was staring at the coffee cup in his hand on the table. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this…” 

He sounded so full of regret it made your chest hurt. You knew full well that you weren’t together anymore, that he’d never intended to have a family with you but he’d loved you once. Was having a child with you really that abhorrent of an idea?

You closed your eyes for a second and took a deep breath to keep from crying. 

“I know that,” you said, voice thick. “But this is happening. It’s not going to be like it was with Sarah’s mom. You don’t need to change anything about your life. You can never see me again if you don’t want…” 

“I’m supposed to just pretend like my kid isn’t across the country?” He asked. 

“If you want to,” you replied. “Or you can visit, like I said. I can send them to you, I wouldn’t keep them from you if you wanted to be involved. I’m just… I don’t want your money, I don’t want your time. You have no obligation to me. I made this call without you so I’m going to handle it without you…” 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” he said again. “It wasn’t supposed to work like this…” 

“Yeah,” you said, inches away from crying. “So you’ve said. Figure out what it is you want to do and just… I don’t know, call if you want to meet them.” 

You got up from the table before you lost control and left the coffee shop, walking back to your hotel alone. 

Monday, October 20, 2003 

“So when are you telling your grandmother?” Louisa was sitting on a lab table in your classroom as you packed up the last of your things for the day. 

“Maybe next week?” You shrugged. “I think I’ve had enough heartbreak for a few days…” 

“You really think it’s going to go that badly?” She asked. 

“Well,” you put your bag on your shoulder and took one last look around your classroom to make sure you weren’t forgetting anything. “I didn’t think telling Joel would be that bad and we both know how that one went…” 

Louisa had picked you up from the airport Sunday afternoon. The second you were in her car, you started crying, sobbing into her shoulder about everything that happened with Joel. 

“Oh Sweetie,” she put her arms around you in the airport loading zone. “It’ll be OK. I promise, it’ll be OK.” 

“And you really think your grandmother is going to go worse than that?” Louisa asked. “Because I’ll be honest, that sounded brutal.” 

“I was a dumbass,” you sighed as you went to the hall and closed your classroom behind you. “I should have known better. I went in expecting to talk to Joel, my boyfriend for some stupid reason, not my ex who had a perfectly reasonable reaction to finding out he was going to be tied to me in some way for the rest of his life.” 

“He should be so lucky,” Louisa muttered. You glared at her. “What? You’re a catch.” 

“I’m basically a step above a teen mom at this point,” you rolled your eyes. “Think we need to downgrade my stock a bit.” 

You heard a student call your name on the way out of the building. 

“Can I please do extra credit?” A junior, Amanda, ran up to you, her lab paper in her hands. “I know it’s just a B but it’s still a B and my mom is going to freak out if I don’t bring home at least an A minus…” 

“She’s going to get mad over a B?” You raised your eyebrows. She scrunched her nose and nodded. You sighed. “Well we don’t want that, do we?” You thought for a second. “Alright, here’s the deal. There are notes on that paper, fix the things that need improvement and resubmit it by the end of the week AND hang back after school on Wednesday to help me clean the lab equipment. The freshmen are doing frog dissection that day. Do both well and we’ll see how close that gets you to an A. Sound good?” 

“You’re a lifesaver,” she hugged you and you laughed for a second before patting her back a few times. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” 

She broke away from you and took off toward the student parking lot. You watched her go for a moment, waiting until she was out of earshot before turning to Louisa. 

“And that is the kind of mom I will not be,” you said. Louisa snorted. 

“It’s a low bar but I think you can clear that,” she clapped you on the shoulder and you laughed as you walked to the employee parking lot, opening the door with your hip. 

“I will take that…” your voice died in your throat as you froze, barely through the doors.

“Oh shit,” Louisa said, stopping beside you. “Is that…” 

“Yeah,” you breathed. 

Joel was standing there, leaning against his truck, hands in his pockets. 

“Hey, Baby.” 

***

Driving across the country alone was fucking exhausting. He felt like he could fall asleep standing up. Seeing you made it worth it, though. 

He’d stayed at the coffee shop staring at where you’d been sitting for longer than he cared to admit. He hadn’t realized you’d left at first. Thought maybe you’d gone to the bathroom or stepped outside for air or… fucking something besides just leaving. He’d have stopped you if he knew you were leaving. 

By the time he realized you were gone it felt far too late to follow you. 

You clearly wanted space. Fuck, it seemed like you wanted nothing to do with him at all. Everything you talked about, everything you laid out was just a way to make sure he wasn’t anywhere near you. Almost like you were desperate to never see him again. 

He thought about going by your hotel room - he was pretty sure he could remember which one you’d come out of when he’d picked you up - or just calling you. Repeatedly. But if you really wanted nothing to do with him, he should just leave you the fuck alone. 

So, he went home. And drank. More than he was proud of. 

How could he have done this again, to you of all people? Not that he was fucking anybody else - not that he even had the drive to fuck anybody else - but fuck, how had he not learned his goddamn lesson after Sarah’s mom? 

He and Lauren had just been having fun but the condom broke and she decided against an abortion. But she seemed to resent Joel for every second of motherhood she endured before she left. She snapped one afternoon. Sarah was five months old and had just started teething. She was crying constantly, clearly miserable and in pain, and Lauren was miserable too. 

“It’s going to be alright,” Joel tried to tell her as he held their screaming daughter. She rounded on him. 

“No, it’s not!” She snapped. “It’s not going to be OK! This is my fucking life now! Diapers and spit-up and fucking Sesame Street! There was shit I wanted to DO and it wasn’t this.” 

She was gone a week later. 

Joel didn’t want that for you. He’d refused to be the thing that ruined your life, refused to be the thing you resented. 

And yet, there he was. Drinking on his couch because he’d fucked your life up. 

He was still on the couch when Sarah came home the next morning. 

“Hey there sleepy,” she shook him awake, her head cocked to the side. “Looks like you had a fun night.” 

“Sure,” he sat up, blinking the sleep and the burgeoning hangover out of his eyes. “How was the tournament, Baby Girl?” 

“Eh, kinda crappy,” she shrugged, dropping her duffel bag on the coffee table. “We took fifth.” 

“That’s not bad,” Joel said. 

“Of ten.” 

“Well, did you have fun?” He asked. “That’s the important part.” 

“Yeah,” she smiled. “Lizzie’s mom let us rent a movie on the hotel room TV last night so I got to see the new Charlie’s Angels finally!” 

“That’s good,” he nodded. At least he had Sarah. He’d always have Sarah. 

“So,” she drew the word out and flopped down next to him on the couch. “Is she here?” 

“No, Baby Girl,” he put his face in his hands for a second, trying to wipe away the sleep. The frustration at himself. “She’s flying home today. She really wanted to see you, though.” 

She sighed. 

“What?” He asked, looking at her. 

“Nothing,” she picked at the couch cushion. 

“Sarah.” 

“I just…” She sighed again, looking at him. “I kinda hoped you guys would have figured stuff out this time.” 

He sighed. 

“We’ve been over this, Baby Girl…” 

“I know,” she cut him off. “But you’ve been pretty miserable the past few months…” 

“You could tell?” He frowned. She just looked at him, her brows raised. 

“And I bet she was, too,” she said. “I kind of thought…” She shrugged. “That if you both saw it you’d figure it out.” 

“You miss her,” Joel said. She nodded. “Yeah, me too. Think I might have screwed up a little too bad this time though, kiddo.” 

“Did you ask her?” She frowned. “If you screwed up too bad, I mean.” 

“Don’t think I can really just…” 

“Dad!” She groaned. “Come on. I’m getting kind of tired of you moping around here all the time and you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t actually talk to her.” 

He sighed. 

“It’s a bit more complicated…” he paused. Sarah’s cell phone was pressed to her ear. “What are you doing?” 

“Calling her since you’re a chicken.” 

“Sarah!” He moved to snatch the phone from her but she leaned out of his reach. He glowered at her. She hung up the phone. 

“You lucked out,” she said smugly. “It went straight to voicemail.” 

“Probably on the plane,” he sighed. “Besides, not a phone conversation, anyway.” 

“OK,” she shrugged. “So go talk to her then.” 

“Go talk to her.” 

“Yup.” 

“Just go show up and talk to her.” 

“That’s what I said,” she replied. “Dad, you’re an idiot if you think you’re just going to magically get over her and everything is going to be OK. If you need to go talk to her then go talk to her! Maybe her plane hasn’t left yet…” 

Joel thought for a second. Sarah might just be right. He needed to talk to you - actually talk to you, where he could see you and have a serious conversation. You’d waited to talk to him in person and he’d fucking blown it. He could at least come to you. 

“She might still be at the airport,” he said, reaching in his pocket for his phone. He called Tommy. 

“Hey man,” he said quickly. “Need a favor…” 

Less than an hour later, Joel, Tommy and Sarah were hurtling into a short term parking spot at the airport, Joel barely waiting for the car to come to a stop when he jumped out. He ran to the check in counter that he’d always walked you to before and looked at the departures board. He didn’t see Syracuse. He ran up to a counter. 

“Hey!” A man protested. 

“Sorry, emergency,” Tommy waved the man off, catching up with Joel and clapping him on the shoulder. 

“Checking in?” The man behind the counter asked. 

“No,” Joel said quickly. “Flight to Syracuse, has that left yet?” 

“About an hour ago,” the man replied. 

“Shit,” Tommy swore. 

“When’s the next one?” Sarah asked. Joel looked at her. “What? It can’t hurt to ask…” 

“Tuesday morning,” the man replied. 

“Shit,” Joel swore. “How about… Buffalo?” 

“That’s in three hours,” the man said. “Only three seats left… cheapest one is $2176.” 

“Holy shit,” Tommy’s eyes went wide. “People really pay that to go to fuckin’ Buffalo?” 

“New York City?” Joel asked. “Or Boston?” 

“Look,” the man said. “At this point? You’re looking at two grand a ticket or waiting a few days to leave. Maybe both.”

“I could drive there faster than waiting until Tuesday morning,” Joel sighed. 

“So drive it,” Tommy shrugged. Joel just looked at him. “Can’t be more than, what, 20 or 30 hours? You can drive that.” 

“I can’t…” he began but Sarah cut him off. 

“It’s not like she’s across the planet, Dad,” she shrugged. “Just across the country. C’mon. Are you going to try to be happy or not?” 

He looked to his brother. 

“You OK to watch Sarah for… fuck, like a week?” He asked. 

“Some of us are actually flying and need to check in!” The man Joel cut in line snapped. 

He ignored him. 

“Sarah can move in if she wants,” Tommy smirked. “Go grovel and admit you fucked up. And see if she’ll record it, I want proof…” 

Joel barely stopped back at his house, grabbing a change of clothes and his phone charger before jumping in his truck as Sarah was still packing his bag. 

“Not going to fuck it up this time, right?” Tommy asked as he walked out the door. 

“Sure fucking hope not,” he muttered. 

He drove almost straight through, stopping just for gas and to use the bathroom. When he hit the rumble strips twice in five minutes just outside Cleveland, he pulled off at a rest stop and slept for three hours before getting back on the road again. He made it to your school an hour before students were released. 

“Joel?” You gaped at him, looking around like you were waiting on someone to let you in on the joke. You lowered your voice. “What the fuck are you doing here?” 

“You left before we could finish talking,” he shrugged. “Figured I’d come to you this time.” 

The woman you were with came up along side you. She looked vaguely familiar, like you’d shown him her picture once or twice. 

“Louisa I’m guessing?” He asked, extending his hand. “I’m Joel…” 

“Put that one together,” she didn’t take his hand. “You know, you wrecked my friend…” 

“Thank you for that, Louisa,” you cut her off. She fell silent. “I’ve got this.” 

She gave Joel a look before she went off to her own car. You looked back to him. 

“I don’t know that we have much more to discuss,” you said. “You didn’t need to come all this way, you can just text or call or email to let me know what you want to do….” 

“Need to talk about more than that,” he cut you off. “Let’s go somewhere.” 

“Right now?” You raised your eyebrows. 

“Didn’t drive clear across the country to wait around,” he shrugged.

“Fair enough,” you said, looking him over. “There’s a diner not far from here, pretty quiet this time of day. Follow me there?” 

He’d follow you anywhere. 

“Sure,” he said. 

Louisa was still standing outside her car when you passed her to go to your own and she stopped you, looking back at Joel with her eyes narrowed. You just shrugged at her and went to your car. Fuck, he’d really fucked up. 

He followed behind you a few miles down the road to a 50s style diner, one he’d passed when visiting you before but had never been inside. It was seat yourself and you led him to a table in a corner and he sat down but you just draped your jacket over the booth. 

“Just… two minutes,” you went to the bathroom and he watched you go. 

He felt like he should be thankful for a minute to get his shit together again before this conversation started but he wasn’t. He was just anxious to be close to you again. Fuck, how had it only been two days since he was dancing with you at Cass’ party? Hoping to figure something out that wouldn’t fuck your life up but would get you back? 

You came back to the table wiping your mouth and Joel took a second to just look at you. Fuck you were pretty. So goddamn pretty. It hit him harder every now and then, kind of out of the blue. He’d just be looking at you, enjoying you, and be reminded that - for some fucking reason - someone like you wanted him. Someone that fucking pretty, that fucking smart, that fucking kind wanted him. Didn’t make a damn bit of sense. 

It hit him like that now, your skirt gauzy and floating to your knees, the gentle curve of your throat, your lips tugging into a small smile when a little kid went running past you on their way to the bathroom, their mom in tow. 

Fuck, how had he managed to wreck shit with you? 

“Sorry,” you smiled apologetically as you took your seat across from him. You looked at him for a moment, frowning a little. “Did you drive straight through? You look… well, you look like shit.” 

“Just about,” he laughed a little. “Stopped for a bit outside Cleveland when I was pushin’ it too hard. Think I’m still hung over from when I woke up yesterday, actually…” 

“You really shouldn’t have done that,” your frown deepened, eyebrows drawing together. “Look…” 

“What can I get you?” The waitress looked like she was 19 and Joel had never been more annoyed by a teenager. 

“Decaf coffee please,” you handed her the menu. “And a water?”

“Just coffee,” Joel said, watching you. The girl left. “Not eating?” 

“Oh,” you laughed once. “Right… No, not here. Or anywhere, really, can’t hold down much of anything right now. Only thing I don’t immediately vomit back up are Clif bars. I think the guy at the camping store in town thinks I’m insane, I buy them by the dozen…” 

“Are you OK?” He frowned. He’d thought you’d looked a bit thinner and now he was sure of it, the hollow of your throat more prominent than he was used to seeing. 

“Fine,” you shrugged. “It sucks but it is what it is. Now that I’m getting into the second trimester it should get easier. If it doesn’t my doctor wants to talk about other things but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” 

Joel’s stomach twisted. He should have fucking been here, taking care of you. 

The waitress brought the coffees and the water.

“Anything else?” She asked. 

Joel had been starving a few minutes ago but not so much anymore. He handed her the menu. 

“Just this,” he said. “Thanks.” 

She rolled her eyes a bit but left. 

“So,” you put your arms on the table and cocked your head at him. “What did you drive almost 2,000 miles to talk about?” 

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “For all of it.” 

“For all of what?” You frowned. “For knocking me up? Because I was a pretty active participant in that…” 

“Sorry for just lettin’ you go on Saturday for starters,” he said. “Didn’t realize you’d gone for a bit and by then…” 

“It’s fine,” you leaned back in the booth, pulling your arms in close to yourself protectively. “I didn’t exactly expect you to come chase me down, I left for a reason.” 

“Why did you leave?” He asked. You raised your eyebrows. “It didn’t feel like we were done talkin’ and you just left…” 

“I just…” you closed your eyes for a moment. “Look, part of it is the hormones I think but I really just didn’t have it in me to sit there and listen to how much you regret this. I know it’s not ideal and that having a kid with me wasn’t what you wanted or planned but I tried to make it as easy as I can for you so you’re not stuck with me forever…” 

“That’s what you think my problem is?” He shook his head. 

“Joel, you left,” you laughed darkly. “That’s OK, I don’t hold it against you. We’re adults, most relationships don’t work out and I understand that…” 

“No, my problem is that I left so I didn’t keep fuckin’ your life up and before I did I managed to fuck it up more,” he said. 

You frowned, confused. 

“What do you mean you left so you wouldn’t fuck my life up?” You asked. “What are you talking about?” 

He took a deep, shaky breath. This was on the list of shit he’d never thought he’d tell you but circumstances had changed. 

“I couldn’t just sit there and watch you give shit up for me anymore,” he shook his head. “You were talkin’ about moving back to Austin because of me and…” 

“Because I wanted to be with you!” You gaped at him.

“And I’m not worth you givin’ up the chance at doin’ something extraordinary!” He was all but begging you to understand. “Baby, you are so goddamn smart and so goddamn dedicated, you shouldn’t live your life around where I am! I was doing nothin’ but holdin’ you back and I couldn’t let you settle…” 

“Settle?” You cut him off. “Why is doing what I want settling?” 

“Because I am not good enough for you,” he was getting more worked up than he should, he wasn’t mad at you and it was hard to remember that. “I’m not, I never went to fuckin’ college, I got stuck in the first job I could do, I am goin’ nowhere fast and that’s fine for me, alright? I got Sarah and she’s going to do something great, I can feel it, and that’s enough for me. But it’s not for you.” 

“So, what, I just don’t get a say in this?” You shook your head. “Joel, I don’t give a shit that you didn’t go to college or what you do for a living as long as you like doing it! You made me happy, I don’t care about the rest of it. You’re kind and you’re smart and you’re funny and you’re so selfless it’s almost stupid and I fucking love you! You think that’s not worth moving some shit around for? Jesus, Joel…” 

“You can’t just give up on what you want to do,” he shook his head. “You can’t…” 

“Well that’s just how it’s worked out,” you shrugged and then sighed. “Look, maybe… Maybe I’ll get there eventually. Once they’re in school full time, maybe…” 

“Move in with me,” he said quickly. 

“Joel,” you laughed and shook your head. 

“I’m serious,” he said. “Look, it’ll… it’ll do exactly what I didn’t want it to do, it’ll limit where you can go to school but you’ll still go to school…” 

“I’m not going to move in with you, Joel,” you leaned into the table again. “Be serious.” 

“I am being serious,” he replied. “Move in with me. Go to school in Texas. Do what you want to do.” 

“I am not going to saddle you with me and a kid you don’t want…” 

“Why do you think I don’t want you?” He asked. “Wouldn’t want our kid?”

“Because you left!” You looked at him like he was insane. 

“That had nothing to do with not wantin’ you, Baby,” he said. “Nothing. I told you that. If I could have moved my life to wherever you were going to school then I never would have left, I just can’t do that. Not with work, not with Sarah…” 

“What would I do there?” You asked. “Do you think any district is going to hire me part way through the school year once it’s obvious I’m pregnant? I won’t have a job, I won’t have insurance…” 

“Be a substitute teacher until you need to stay home,” he said. “I’ll take care of you, we can get married, you can be on my insurance…” 

“I’m not marrying you for the insurance, Joel,” you shook your head. “Do you even hear yourself?” 

“Yes.” 

You sighed. 

“I can’t…” you closed your eyes for a moment. “I can’t… I can’t think straight right now. You’re not thinking straight right now, you haven’t slept in, what, two days?” 

“Something like that,” he said. “But my thinkin’ is fine.” 

“I need to think,” you shook your head. “I just… I need some space, OK? I have to figure this out.” 

He nodded slowly. That made sense. He didn’t want you to need space, he wanted to figure this out right that second, wanted to hold you and touch you and have you know that it was going to be OK because he was going to make it OK. But he was asking a lot of you. Space made sense. 

“I’ll try and get a room at the usual place,” he said, remembering the hotel he usually stayed at when he came to visit. Your grandmother disliked him enough, he didn’t really like trying to fuck you under her roof. Jesus, she was really going to hate him now. “But I’m not leavin’ until we get something figured out. Not goin’ anywhere.” 

He got a room and immediately passed out, making sure his phone would ring if you called before going face down into the pillows, not even bothering to get under the covers or take off his shoes. 

“Joel!” 

The sound of your voice jerked him out of the near coma he’d fallen into. He had no idea what time it was or where your voice was coming from. 

“Joel!” You called again. “Which room is yours?” 

He blinked the sleep from his eyes and scrambled for the door, yanking it open and jumping  into the walkway outside. Hours must have passed, it was dark outside. You were standing in the parking lot below. It had started raining and you looked soaked. 

“Up here!” He called, going to meet you. 

“No, stay put,” you called, going for the stairs. He met you there, anyway. You were breathless, hair and sweatshirt - the one he’d bought you when you’d graduated college - dripping wet. “Sorry, I probably should have called…” 

“Don’t need to call,” he put his arm around you and led you to his room. He sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to get you to sit beside him but you ignored him, pacing instead. “What’s going on?” 

“Do you still have feelings for me?” You asked, fidgeting with the sleeves of your sweatshirt. 

“Thought that’d be pretty obvious given the cross country road trip,” he laughed once. “But yeah, Baby. I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anything else aside from Sarah. And that’s close.” 

You nodded, still pacing. 

“And you wouldn’t…” You looked up at the ceiling, like you were searching for the words. “I don’t know, resent me? If I lived with you? If you ended up with a kid you don’t want?” 

“Oh, Baby,” he said softly. You were so uncertain it made his heart ache. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever met that I want to have kids with.” 

You stopped pacing and crossed your arms over your stomach. 

“Really?” You asked quietly. 

He got up and stood in front of you, your eyes glassy as you looked up at him. 

“Really,” he nodded. “The fact that you’re having my baby… that’s the opposite of a problem for me. I just can’t be the thing that fucked your life up, I love you too much for that…” 

You threw your arms around his neck and kissed him then, pressing your lips against him with a ferocity he wasn’t expecting. He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you tightly against him, the cold rain dripping from your sweatshirt soaking into his skin. He didn’t care. He wanted you closer, needed to be as close to you as he could get. 

He pulled you back toward the bed and tugged your leg up on his hip as he sat down. You sank onto his lap, arms draped over his shoulders as his tongue pressed into your mouth, feeling you, tasting you. 

Joel tugged at your sweatshirt and you leaned back enough to pull it up and over your head and you did the same with his t-shirt. He looked down at you as he unclasped your bra. Your jeans were held closed with a hair tie. He frowned. 

“Oh,” you laughed a little. “Yeah, I… I kind of forgot about that. Like none of my pants fit as of a few days ago…” 

He slipped your bra from you, your flesh pebbled from the cold, and ran his hand down your body, his palm flat against you, until he reached the swell between your hips. He carefully opened your pants, casting the hair tie aside, and cupped the small bump at the base of your stomach. 

“So that’s our baby, huh?” He said softly, reverently. You pressed a kiss into the top of his head. 

“Yeah,” your voice was a little thick. “We made that.” 

He looked at you there for another moment, trying to wrap his mind around it. His baby, inside you. Something the two of you did together, even if you hadn’t meant to. 

He kissed you again, holding you close to him, your skin on his own. He wrapped his arms around you so he could pick you up and he lay you on the bed, pulling your wet jeans and underwear down your body, casting them aside on the floor, before pulling his own off, too.

Joel opened your thighs, looking down at your slick sex, running a thumb over you, making you shudder. He lay between your legs, kissing down from your belly button, pressing his lips against the place where his child was inside you, continuing down until his mouth was on your clit, making you gasp. 

He gently sucked the swollen nub, teasing it lightly with his tongue. You moaned, your fingers twisting in the sheets. He looked up your body, your head thrown back in pleasure, and smiled against you before moving lower, slipping his tongue inside your entrance. You ground your hips against him then, his nose working against your clit. 

“Sorry,” you stilled, your hips tensing. “I just…” 

“Don’t you dare apologize for taking what you want,” he said, pulled back just far enough from you that he could talk. “Want you to cum for me, want to give you whatever you need to cum for me.” 

He pressed his tongue into you again, his nose working your clit as he opened you. He added a finger below his tongue, spreading you open as your body got tighter and tighter around him, You started rocking your hips against his face again and he moaned at it, at how needy he made you. He slipped his free hand below you to tug you tighter to his mouth, thrusting his tongue deeper and you gasped as you came around him. He worked you through your orgasm before he slipped his finger from you and kissed back up your slit, settling between your thighs. He took the hand that had been inside you and stroked himself with it, spreading the precum over his tip, mixing with your wetness, making him slick. He notched the head of himself against you and trailed his fingers gently through your hair as he looked down at you as you panted for breath. Your eyes were wide, pupils blown. 

“Marry me,” he said, his voice needy. 

“Joel,” you whimpered. 

He kissed you and started sinking into your wet heat, so tight and velvety soft. You rocked your hips against him, pulling him deeper until he was fully within you. He pulled his lips far enough back from you that he could speak, his nose trailing over your cheek. 

“Marry me,” he said again. 

“You don’t mean that,” you were panting below him. “You’re… you’re just…” 

“Should’ve asked you years ago,” he pressed his forehead to yours, his cock buried deep inside you. “Marry me. I love you, want to spend my life with you, want you to be my wife. Marry me, Baby…” 

“OK,” you looked in his eyes. “I’ll marry you.” 

He kissed you again, starting to move inside you, your walls tight around him, like you were trying to hold him as close to you as you could. You wrapped yourself around him and clung to him, his arms sliding beneath you to cradle you tightly against him, the whole of you against and around him as you came, your pussy throbbing around his cock until he fell apart, too. 

He collapsed and rolled onto his side, still holding you close, still deep inside you. 

“We’ll figure it out, Baby,” he said softly. “We’re doing this together.” 

“You’re sure?” You asked, eyes searching his own.

“I’m sure, Mrs. Miller,” he smiled a little. “I’m damn sure.” 

[bigmammallama5]

mammallama if you have energy how did you find your adhd dr? I know I could use one but I'm trying to fight the inertia of getting a dr because of all the experiences of previous medical professionals not listening to me. thank you for reading!

Hey, I've got a little energy! You get my one level seven spell slot for the day lol

I am very fortunate that I have a primary care doctor that takes my concerns seriously and pointed me in the direction of my current specialist. I also have two very wonderful best friends with ADHD who gently slid my wig back and told me "go get tested, you sound like me". I recognize not everyone is lucky to have doctors that listen to them so this answer will be based off of my limited experience and local healthcare in my state in America, so please keep these as general suggestions! And I know it's hard to advocate for your own health, trust me I get it lol, but please stick with it. It's worth it to get the answers at the very least so you can start adjusting.

So if you have a PCP try asking them for places that are in your insurance network that could help you get tested/write you a referral letter if needed. I would suggest first looking for a behavioral therapist that specializes in diagnosing ADHD (like mine does) and treatment. I can't get actual cognitive behavioral therapy from them but they help me keep track of my ADHD and navigate my medication stuff. The extra special thing about my doctor is she was also diagnosed as an adult, so she truly understands to a certain degree of what I'm dealing with. Looking at her during my first visit was like looking into the future of the person I can be with the right help. Having a doctor that has what you have is incredibly valuable.

If you can't find a specialist, I would suggest looking for a psychiatrist that specializes in diagnosing and treating ADHD. You can also get diagnosed by a psychologist but I don't think they can actually prescribe medications? But either of those professionals will be able to test and diagnose you!

If you have trouble networking, my therapist suggested looking on Facebook (I know I know) for local/state groups that can help you connect with doctors in your area. You'd be surprised at how ready people are to help others find the care providers they need! You may not even have to ask, there may be a list of medical professionals that you can look over.

I will warn you that depending on where you go it's going to probably cost a fair amount. Even with my therapist's office taking my insurance my testing was still over 400 bucks, but in the end it was worth it for me. I will also warn you that some testing can be quite lengthy from what I hear, taking multiple sessions depending on the professional you're seeing. My testing and diagnoses took a little less than three hours and that's why I'd suggest looking for an ADHD behavioral therapist first. They know exactly what they're looking for and know you're there specifically for that test.

Another tip I can give you is frame your reason for testing as simply needing answers to improve your quality of life. Have that in writing. Don't even mention medication other than "I would explore that if you deem it a viable option for treatment." Getting medication right now is difficult if not downright impossible for some of us, so I would frame your needs on getting yourself picked up and put together. That's really what you need first anyways. Answers.

Be warned ADHD may also come with a side of fries (other general disabilities like OCD/OCD tendencies, anxiety, depression, ect ect that are often the result of untreated ADHD).

ADHD is legally considered a developmental disability and protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Know your rights!

In the meantime I always suggest taking a look through https://www.additudemag.com/ for information about symptoms and research and all that stuff. This is a trusted source that my therapist's office shares with all of their patients! The articles are kept up to date as new research is made available and is laid out in such a way that it's easy for people with ADHD to read and navigate. It's also a great source for parents that have kiddos with ADHD, so pass that around if you know someone who's struggling!

I do hope that your past experiences with poor doctors won't keep you from seeking testing. I can promise you not all of them are like that, and I hope you can find someone who will listen to you and take your concerns seriously!

[jack-bytez-genuine-corner]

List of warnings and then a little rant at the end

* Last time Trump was in office his COVID response killed over 1 million Americans and infected millions more. If even 10% of that got Long COVID even in minor cases there's an exceptionally high probability that whoever oversees our pandemic response and health care agencies could very well refuse to treat the currently affected and those who will continue to get disabled by any virus as legitimate. It is no exaggeration that you will likely know someone who will now die due to an incompetent federal health system.

* Insurance for health care and any federal safety net is likely gone. I can't stress enough how this has been said for the last decade to be coming.

* Republicans will replace the oldest justices on the SCOTUS with people who are worse than those sitting currently. It is again no exaggeration that Alito and Thomas will be replaced by far more extreme versions of themselves and we're very likely going to see that court decide cases about Abortion even in Blue states, about social safety nets in all states, voting in all states, gerrymandering, guns, and queer rights nationwide. Even in a Blue State people who feel fear, should. All you can hope for is that national trends change before that happens.

* Republicans can and have promised to cut federal safety nets in extreme measures in exchange for rich people's taxes. People, including children will starve and die, they will not get the insulin they need and die, etc. These are things they directly promised for the last 4 years or more and no, I really don't have any hopeful messaging on this one. I recommend looking into your state resources if you're relying on federal ones.

* Women can and will continue to die due to a lack of reproductive care and all I can recommend is that you save up money for any life saving procedure up to having to fly out of country. This is an incredibly high bar I know but local fundraise, family savings, just anything for that extra safety net cause a nation wide abortion ban is exceptionally likely.

* Ukraine and Gaza are guaranteed fucked and Thailand is likely on that list too. I don't even want to think about South Korea or any number of other countries that we finance the defense of.

* If you're Palestinian and in America please make sure you have an up to date passport. House Republicans floated a bill to remove Palestinian Americans from the US alongside "Illegals" which will inevitably include legal citizens being forcefully deported to countries they have never even lived in. Same warning for any DACA recipents, Muslim Americans and other foreigners, there's an incredibly high chance that this is not good.

* Political violence will honestly just get worse. If the mass deportations and incarcerations weren't hint enough as is I'm just going to preach extreme caution about being out in public.

* If you voted for Trump I really really really don't like you and I truly hope you suffer as much under his policies as everyone will and I'm not kidding. I truly hope you finally learn, but this country is a god damn shithole and I was wrong to believe that a majority of people are good people, and for that I apologize: A majority of people are idiotic morons who can have keys jingled in front of their eyes while being punched repetitively and not notice. It truly feels like Trump voters would be ok with going in a gas chamber as long as a random gay or woman or POC was forced in there with them, and that Nazi metaphor is not misplaced given we just elected a god damn Nazi, who he himself all but says in broad daylight and is openly supported by Neo Nazis.

* If you chose not to vote or otherwise encouraged that, the up above applies to you. The blood will absolutely be on your hands and we literally know how this is going to be.

* We won't know the makeup of the house for a while but it's safe to say that if you were hoping for any type of federal aid or relief that we're out of luck.

I don't think I'll ever view America or Americans positively and I live here. I'm disabled cause of Trump's response to COVID. I'm constantly afraid to leave my house due to the potential for mass shootings and political violence. I was 100% wrong to think most people are good, cause there is a substantial portion of our population who isn't just viewing hurting innocent people as acceptable but actively want to further that as much as humanly possible. Republican politicians are some of the worst human beings in the US and the only thing preventing me from labeling their supporters as such is the potential that they are honestly just too ignorant to know better. The fact that basic human rights will be reigned back is revolting. I don't have any hopeful message to close out on or any call to action cause I'm honestly done. Every election I've contributed to as an adult has just lowered my faith in society into non-existence, all I can hope for is that people actually start giving a damn about their neighbors but honestly it's more likely a meteorite kills everyone on Earth than for America to do the right thing.

I hope everyone who supported Republicans in the past fucking choke on it. Cause this is all the same thing Republicans promised to do for decades now and if they do even a 10th of it we will all feel it.

[eldritchmochi]

okay so, to have a place for consolidated information for the next little bit, since i'm sure folks have QUESTIONS given my incredibly aggressive gallows humour

MOCHI, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?? (guts edition)

if you got here via a link, follow this link instead for the latest update here's updates 1.5, 2.0, and 3.0 !

tldr ive been getting a number of recurrent small bowel obstructions located in my duodenum (first part of the small intestine, connecting the stomach to the rest of the bowel) due to external pressure on the duodenum around the 3rd to 4th (of 4) section. what's causing the pressure?? no clue actually ive done a bazillion scans and none of them have been quite clear enough for a real confident dx so i get to have surgery about it at some point in the near future

current theory is the pressure is from some sort of non-cancerous tumor mass and the plan is to cut me open nice and big, look about, and remove both this mass and the affected section of the duodenum (.5 of an organ) at a minimum, but may involve fully bipassing the duodenum when my guts get hooked back up to my stomach which could (would???) also require removing my gallbladder (1 and 2 organs respectively) (i'm having so much yanked out of my abdomen this summer jfc)

atm i'm still waiting for scheduling to give me a call to set things up. surgeon's estimate was 4-5 weeks from now (8/17 when he called). from that point i'll spend a week-ish in the hospital to make sure all hoses are firmly affixed, and then i'll have a month at a minimum before i'm reasonably healed and can go back to normal life

i have good insurance and the luck (????) of being incredibly ill at the best of times, so i've already hit my out of pocket max and thus this WHOLE THING even back dating to my first er visit end of june will cost a whopping 189$ that i've already paid. i also should qualify for my states paid medical leave and my wife will get a hefty chunk of change for living expenses via student loans. however, both those things won't hit until late september at the earliest

long term, im not expecting much of a financial burden, but short term we could use a hand with groceries and similar while we wait for my backpay and my wife's student loans

for venmo and paypal: i am @/sumomomochi for both and either is fine, though pp is labeled as a business account so pls mark f&f if you can

i also have this amazon wishlist ( https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/N1NSTH3JPCX2?ref_=wl_share ) that is like 90% meal replacement shakes and bulk shelf stable snacks, but also has a couple of other useful things like bathing wipes since i am unlikely to be able to shower well post surgery, pj pants for when it cools down (i went up a size with t because my ass and thighs got just so beefy and thus have one pair that fits rn lmao), and cat food for the penni (gotta keep my nurse well paid)

uuuh what else

like i said, i'm incredibly ill at the best of times so i am a champ at weathering this sort of stuff its nbd. "i'm sorry"s are not helpful, i'd much rather have people ask direct specific questions, either about my health status or things i'm doing to keep busy (ie "any new and fun things causing tummy issues?" or "hows your battle vest coming?" or "whats your fav line youve written this week?"). engagement and entertainment is Important to keep me from climbing the walls but i swear i will bite at straight sympathy

things ive been doing to keep me out of the er include: laying on my left side or stomach (The Digestion Position; helps get food past the squished part); eating a semi-liquid diet (hence ensure, jello, pudding, the like, though its important that i also eat solid food as much as is tolerated, which is such a delicate balance. this is why i cannot currently work); going on stupid little walks for my stupid digestive health (honestly the most important thing i can do, which im mad about, because it requires pants, but not only encourages guts to digest but also will help me not decondition, which i have already done a lot of :I)

things YOU can do to help (because i know *i* am a helper but also what is actually helpful??): financially with the above deets (no pressure); asks, comments, and other conversational interactions (i am absolutely chill with basically any kind of question and i dont mind dms if youd prefer privacy, just dont pedestal me i promise i am just A Dude); fanart for my fics (i do not care if you "cant draw" i will still love it); prompts for fandom but not necessarily fic projects (wardrobe moodboards/meta for characters, playlists/songs, smut writing how to questions, cosplay progress/plans qs, those "what was x's pov in this scene/what specifically happened between x and y in this fic?" qs andor other ask meme things idk dude i haven't been able to do shit for almost three months im booooored)

in conclusion

nurse penni says do not worry about herb patient, he is in good hands, just be sure to offer regular enrichment

[that3nbytrash]

!! Important, please help !!

Hey, so I've never done ANY sort of post like this before, but recently the person in my life that provided health insurance just lost their job that provided them said health insurance, and they are also the only person who brought income to the home so we could actually afford things, so currently things aren't looking great.

I want to get on my state's health plan, but it requires A LOT of money upfront. Like, about $380 the first month and $270 for every month after that kind of a lot. I don't have a job at the moment, and finding one has been a real pain in the ass. So please, if you can afford to, I would really appreciate it if anyone helped me get some cash while I look for a job. If you can't afford to send any money, just a simple reblog would be so incredibly helpful and appreciated.

I'm setting a goal of $700, just so I can afford the first two months. If you can send even a single dollar my way, I would really appreciate it.

All I have set up right now is Cash App, but I'll try to set up a PayPal account soon.

Thank you for your time.

My Cash App

$0.00/$700 Goal

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

080 of 2024

a survey for adults

Created by scarintheblue

do you watch or listen to the news?

Rarely. They're always depressing.

what will you do with your tax refund?

How did you know, I'm one of the few people in this country who get a tax return. Probably somewhere in September.

other than your car or your house, what is your priciest worldly posession?

Probably my laptop.

do you have children? if so, how many? if not, do you want them?

No, I don't. At least not on my own. I don't want kids, one stepson is enough.

where do you stand on the state of the national economy?

Hehe, Belgian economy. I'm not gonna say anything lol.

do you think that we should have gone to war with iraq?

No, it's not our war.

how do you feel about the current wire-tap issue?

What is that even?

do you have insurance? is it more of a help, or a hindrance?

In my country, health insurance is mandatory, so yeah, obviously I have it. It's always help, it saved me from huge debt when I landed in the hospital.

are you a college graduate? if so, has it made a difference in your career?

Yeah, I am. It made it easier to get my job since I'm an electrical engineer.

what would you rather be doing right now?

Going to the Polish shop for food.

do you go to church?

Not for prayer as such, but I like to visit churches to find peace.

are you religious or spiritual?

I'm agnostic, I'm looking for answers.

do you feel that you were raised without religion?

Not at all. My parents are both religious, even though they were raised in two different Christian religions.

how do you feel about being an american?

Thankfully I'm not American and I've never been.

what world issues concern you the most?

War in Ukraine.

how do you feel about same sex marriage?

I'm in same sex marriage, here's your answer.

do you think that a woman can be an effective president?

Look at Finland, they made it.

who do you think is most responsible for "the way you turned out?" why?

It's just life and its events. Everything that happens shapes us in some way.

do you feel differently about love and sex now than you did at 17?

Nah. I've never been interested much.

what does it mean to you to committ?

To stay loyal to the one I love. Pretty easy.

how important are the arts?

Pretty important to some. Every profession is valuable and brings something.

are you a registered voter? did you vote in 04? will you vote in 08?

Damn this survey is old. In my country, voting is mandatory so yeah, I'm a registered voter and I do vote.

would you ever join the military? why or why not?

I've been thinking about it, but I'm not allowed for medical reasons.

do you use algebra in your daily life?

Doesn't everyone? Even for simple things like paying the bills and counting money.

what is the most important thing in your life?

Health and family, and of course our cat.

what is the biggest problem in your life?

Poor health. Chronic illness and physical disability.

do you have a guilt complex?

I do, more than it's healthy.

how many people do you know who are in debt?

A lot. But I personally try to avoid it at any cost.

are you happy with your life as it is?

Generally yes, but I still have my moments.

how upset did these questions make you?

Not at all. I'm an adult, after all.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey sorry for initially posting this as a message to mods! it was very late when i wrote up the first time lol

Hello, my name is V. I'm looking for support and validation, advice not wanted.

For the past 21 years I've lived in an abusive home. After some lengthy trauma processing I realized this abuse likely didn't start or stop anywhere, it just changed over time. In the past my dad was very physically abusive and both my parents were very verbally and emotionally abusive. Now that I am older it's ebbed in frequency but its still very much there, and financial abuse has gotten even worse now that I have my own assets. But that's precisely the problem.

All my life, my reality has been denied. Despite being told to keep the abuse behind closed doors, I refused and have told everyone about what happened to me to everyone I can think of. But every time I did, my situation was never considered "enough." my parents never faced any repercussions for their actions--law enforcement nor CPS ever questioned them--and still don't; even now if they make some sort of snide comment that hurts my feelings, they're quick to use emotional manipulation and red herrings to deflect accountability. I realized this month just how trapped I am here: if I attempt to leave, I'll lose access to my car, my health insurance, my bank account, pretty much everything that will help me survive on my own. That realization has spurred suicidal thoughts and a self harm relapse like no other. I'm currently unemployed after having to quit my job due to having my hours cut with no opportunity for overtime and only have about 900 dollars to my name as of now, so moving out isn't an option.

All this has given me a deep sense of shame and self doubt when speaking of my abuse. Despite having CPTSD from the abuse and still get constant nightmares and flashbacks, if nobody believes me when I say I'm being abused, or if they do believe me but don't share the same sense of urgency I do about it, then maybe it really isn't so bad and I'm just incapable of tolerating normal things, and if that's true, then maybe I'm not fit to exist in a world that is filled with these normal, intolerable things. My head fills up with thoughts like, "Stop talking about it, nobody is taking you seriously. No matter what you say, even if you can confirm its abusive, nobody will believe you, nobody will save you, because its your fault for not being able to handle this normal behavior."

In a last ditch effort, I have applied to stay at a respite house out of state for a week. My parents are out of town at the moment and I thought it would be refreshing, but then my brother decided to use this time to get incredibly drunk and act like a drunken asshole to me for 3 days then leave me alone for 2 days without telling me where he was, so that's a dream crushed. There's no respite houses in my state so I have to cross the border and drive for an hour and a half but its no big deal. I don't know how I'm going to tell my parents that I'm leaving for a week and have to turn off the tracking apps they force me to use (on the house's website it states that the address is not public for safety reasons and idk if Life360 can pull the address of the place and give it to my parents) but I don't think I care anymore. All I want is someone to affirm to me that what I'm experiencing is real, it's abuse, and I don't deserve it. Maybe there's people there who can do that for me. If my parents want to punish me for this, then I can't stop them. This is all I have left.

Putting these here so I can find this post on the TL

🐙🐙🐙

Hi V,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It's hard enough to experience this magnitude and multitude of abuse, but to be essentially gaslit on top of it makes things unimaginably worse. It seems that being financially dependent on them unfortunately works in their favor in order to keep you trapped in this dynamic.

Being minimized and dismissed, even by organizations like CPS, can be incredibly discouraging and it makes sense why at times you feel like what you're going through isn't severe or important enough. The people who try to convince you of this cannot dictate reality - you know what's going on and that's good enough. But that's hard to feel when you're trapped and surrounded by people who don't believe you no matter how much you're struggling. That's amplified by the internalized gaslighting of telling yourself that your experiences don't matter. It's a horrible situation to be in.

I work in a domestic violence shelter so if you need help finding somewhere safe to stay, I am happy to help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[traumacatholic]

Praying for you right now. Currently going through a lot of health scares with no health insurance and no clue what to do. Hoping God can provide us with relief in any type of way. God bless ❤️

God bless you, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with health scares on top of the struggles of trying to access support without insurance.

I don't have any real knowledge of the American healthcare system because I'm from the UK, so I might be repeating some things that you've already looked through. But just incase:

So it seems that Non-Profit care centres are a thing. Where they offer free or low cost support even if you're not insured. They may also be able to offer you some advice on the kinds of resources you might be able to access, even if you can't access them. It might be worth looking into non profit care centres in your area (or that you can feasibly get to) and research the kind of treatment and care that they can provide. While looking, I did find a site called https://www.freeclinics.com/. I'm not sure how trustworthy it is, but at the very least it does provide different care centres that you can use as a stepping stone for research.

It seems that state healthcare might be able to provide access to some forms of support if you meet their eligibility. I'm not sure exactly what the eligibility criteria is or whether they could provide the particular support you're needing. But again it might be worth checking out and getting in contact with them to see what they can advise. They might at the very least be particularly well versed in recommending some resources that you can access: https://www.usa.gov/state-health.

Reach out to local Churches too. They likely have a lot of experience with dealing with people in similar situations, and may be able to offer you some guidance and support in some capacity. Don't feel like you just have to reach out to the local Church that you attend though, feel free to reach out to other ones. You don't have to give them your religious background, but you could just say that you're in need of help and as a Church you trust that they could provide you with some guidance and prayers.

Urgent Care Centers provide treatment for non-life threatening conditions that still require urgent care for free or low cost, including to those without insurance. Often they will have their prices listed on the website. You can also get in touch with them to find out if going to one of them would be suitable. There's a directory you can access here https://urgentcarelist.com/directory/

I'm not sure what health scares you're experiencing but local pharmacies will often provide free basic healthcare checks. Such as blood pressure checking, screenings for certain conditions etc. Have a look into local pharmacies and see what kind of support they might be able to provide. Again, they might also be able to pinpoint you to resources.

You can use the National Association of Free & Charitable Clinics website to search for health clinics and pharmacies in your area that offer free or low cost services.

"The association is dedicated to caring for people who are uninsured or underinsured. There are more than 1,400 clinics and pharmacies in the association."

"Aunt Bertha is a social and human services database you can search to find programs in your area. This includes programs that can help you pay for healthcare.

You can enter your ZIP code and a category to find programs that will meet your needs."

---

I just thought I'd put forward some suggestions. I know that it can be really tough to find resources when you're struggling. If you find it hard to reach out to these different organisations, then perhaps your Priest could help find someone able and willing to do it. You would still have to get in touch with a Priest, but it would vastly minimise the extent of work you're having to do.

If any of my American followers have any other kinds of suggestions, that would also be great. I just gathered some info from a very quick search. It's hard to do a full research because a lot of American governmental websites are blocked to people outside of the US

[wherewilligofromhere]

hi! im mae!

well, my name is actually macey... but i like to go by mae online. i don't really care if you call me either. i thought id make a little intro post given i recently created this blog (it is actually a copy of an older one, but i wanted a fresh start).

my bio states most of it, i am 21 years old, i live in the united states, i identify as female, those are pretty much the basics. i consider myself a bit of a hobby collector and a gullible hyperfixater. some of my main hobbies include but are not necessarily limited to:

photography (i adore film, but due to no access to a darkroom anymore, i am primarily digital)

reading (mainly fiction, romance, fantasy, although i do enjoy an article concerning my special interests or mental health)

music (i play guitar, uke, and bass, as well as write my own music and lyrics, im a subpar vocalist though)

music listener (i am very passionate about the music i listen to, if it has resonating lyrics, i will listen to it, some of my favorite artists are mcr, coldplay, billie eilish (altho i think shes been a little iffy lately), eminem, $uicideboy$, brand new, and lana del rey)

crochet (mainly clothing, bags, and plushies)

doodling (i used to want to pursue art career wise, however was very burnt out and scarred by art teachers in high school and decided i couldn't use that for grades or income)

journaling (this is my most recent hobby picked up, however I've stuck with it decently strictly for over a month now and i am adoring it)

cd collecting (this is a passive hobby for me due to costs of CDs and a general life on spotify, however i do love collecting my favorite albums)

tarot and crystals (this is another passive hobby for me. i do not consistently practice tarot nor crystal meditation, however, if given the time and inspiration i will practice them. i wish i was more consistent, but i find these two to be moderately daunting)

I am currently pursuing an ASD diagnosis and am working with a clinic and insurance on finalizing testing, if anyone has gone through this process you know just how exhausting it is. I am diagnosed with ADHD. I believe these two things to be the driving forces in why i am the way i am and if not who i am. i strongly dislike statements such as "you are not your diagnosis" or "its just in your head." i am my diagnosis. it affects all aspects of my life. invalidating or denying that is invalidating me and ignoring a majority of my life and struggles. regardless, i may update here on how that whole process is going, tips i learn along the way, or further revelations that may occur during said process.

that being said i am a huge fidget toy enthusiast and am always looking for new fidget recommendations, i adore tangles, and these little edamame poppers, but id like to have more one-handed quiet fidgets.

some of my special interests are:

mental health and some disorders, i generally love learning how our brains work, both neurotypically and neuro-divergently

currently journaling its my main special interest and i adore looking for new spreads (ik a hobby sh)

crocheting (ik another hobby)

whales and whale sharks!!

collecting things, such as yarn, books, stickers, games, candles, skincare, and makeup (ngl most of it is purely collection)

japanese culture and foooooood

the northern lights

lake superior (i have always loved her and spent a year living a 15min walk from her)

i am a university student as well as working part-time, so the amount of activity on this page may not be consistent, as i already have an ever-changing life with variability in intensity from week to week.

i finally think that is all. if any of this resonates with you, maybe consider following! id love to have you as a mutual if we are alike, and i definitely do not consider myself someone to have many friends, i certainly do not have a best friend, so i am always open to chatting with new people :)

-mae

[callme6olet]

The Neon Glow

The struggle with cyberpunk is that it's supposed to be punk, but it's also all too real. The days of Neuromancer and Johnny Mnemonic are behind us. The idea of the sci-fi corporate supercity, this neon-limned sprawl of concrete, vice, and pollution no longer seems like a frighteningly possible dystopia, but like an exaggerated reality. At its inception, cyberpunk existed in a liminal state between the primary and secondary worlds. These stories were ostensibly set on a futuristic Earth, but there was a sense that it was an alternate future, that these worlds were a warning about something that only had the slimmest possibility of really happening. They read like secondary worlds in the same way that Middle Earth reads as a secondary world: familiar in its bones, in its soul, but not in its details. The fact that that gap is closing, that we're watching those prophecies unfold, is at the heart of the current generation of post-cyberpunk fiction. Gibson's Agency, Stephenson's Termination Shock. Matrix: Resurrections. These stories deal not only with the dread of capitalism's brutal advance, but also (in my opinion) with the writers' mixed feelings over having predicted it, over creating a vision and aesthetic so powerful that our world is actually changing--purposefully--to match it. Just look at the MetaVerse. A Stephenson invention, now marketed as a reality, like that's supposed to be exciting.

This is a problem for me, because I love writing cyberpunk. I stumbled onto The Matrix in middle school, but it didn't sink its teeth in until I came across Shadowrun 4th Edition at Borders. Here was a world that felt lived in, in much the same way that the original Star Wars must've wowed people in the 70's. Arguably, Star Wars and cyberpunk both fit into the classic definition of the latter: high tech, low life. Luke is a farmer; Han's a drug trafficker. And while Star Wars is and will remain my all-time favorite, the cyberpunk genre brought an edge with it, something that grabbed hold of me, hit the dopamine button in my brain: the neon glow. Holograms and flickering advertisements in a rainy night. Smog dyeing the sunset crimson and purple. LEDs glowing from every nook and cranny.

And now, your average gamer's battlestation looks like something out of Bladerunner. And part of me rebels against that: do we not realize that we're losing? We're a couple short steps away from corporate citizenship, for god's sake.

That sense of doubt, that itch, pokes at me when I'm writing and find myself describing more of the same. It made me feel sick watching Edgerunners. The idea of losing your family to random violence because you don't make enough for health insurance isn't fiction--so why is this show dressing it up like it is? Like that's just as outlandish as a thousand-foot holo ad, a street tough with mantis blades in her arms? Did the showrunners not know what they were doing, somehow? Were they just jumping into this genre because they read Neuromancer once, thought it was such a wacky idea?

But then--oh-so-late to the party--I started playing 2077. I rebelled against it at first, felt the same itch, the same existential dread. But then the story revved into overdrive, and all at once, I realized: this here, it's the classic example of tropes done right. The world might be forty years old, but it's flawlessly realized. And, more than that, it is aware of the genre it exists in, of the evolution. There's something about the game that makes me want to be V, to live in a world where you have to carry an SMG to leave the apartment. To live loud. Even a month ago, I would've said it's the feeling of agency, the idea that, in a world of violent conflict, each person is more able to make a large-scale impact. But I don't think that's it, not really. Night City crushes you, makes even the most outrageous victories seem short-lived, insignificant blips against the weight of the world.

The moments that shine out aren't the big ones, they're the small ones. Seeing Mama Welles at the wake. A visit from a stray cat. Going to the ripperdoc and seeing the option to change appearance, because in that world, it's just that easy, and all of a sudden, I can be seeing a face I like in the mirror.

And here's the crazy thing: part of this reality we've stumbled into, this pseudo-cyberpunk corporatocracy, is the fact that's it's almost that easy to switch bodies here, too. We're getting there. There is beauty in all things, even the dark ones. There is beauty, too, in the impetuous, borderline-nihilism of an edgerunner, in the willigness to engage in hopeless rebellion. And there is a beauty in neon lights.

The meaning of the word punk hasn't changed, never will, but its expression has. In the 80's, it meant drinking and smoking because Mom and Dad said not to. Now, what gives me hope is going to punk shows in underground venues and seeing drug-free youth graffitied across the PA. It's realizing that rebellion changes as society changes. That, even though we might live in a dystopia, that dystopia will never choke out the beauty of our reality. So, I'm keeping the mirrored shades; I'm switching the LED strips back on; and I'm going to keep writing about cities bathed in the neon glow.

[multiplicity-positivity]

questioning anon here.

firstly, thank you so much. im definitely going to look into the resources and attempt to get enough information to try to work towards self dxing, and take it to a specialist once im able to.

to answer the question of what country, im from the usa.

hey, we’re happy to help - good luck with your search!

and for anyone living in the usa who is in need of mental health care/therapy… i’m really sorry to say that it’s an uphill battle. the usa does not have much affordable healthcare options, and you kind of need to know where to look and how to advocate for yourself in order to receive the best care. we’d like to share some advice for anyone in the usa that may help them find affordable care.

(for reference and transparency, we currently have insurance purchased from the government’s “affordable healthcare marketplace.” we pay $170USD per month for insurance, with $30 copays for therapy, medication, and primary care visits.)

first, definitely check out this bdg video describing a lot of the terminology surrounding healthcare insurance in the usa. the healthcare system, like many systems in our government, is incredibly convoluted and difficult to understand. we don’t even have a good grasp on it. this video has some great explanations and can help you get an idea of what you’re looking at when shopping for insurance.

next, look into your local state, county, and city health departments, to see if one of them offers any programs that provide free, affordable, or sliding-scale payment options for mental healthcare. sliding-scale payment means you pay a certain amount based on your income, making services more accessible for poor folks. services will vary vastly from state to state, city to city, and county to county, so we can’t really guarantee you’ll be able to find care this way, but it’s always absolutely worth a shot.

finally, if you’re unable to find any affordable mental healthcare elsewhere, try combing through the healthcare marketplace website to see if there’s a health plan that offers therapy coverage and is affordable for you. the website is convoluted and difficult to navigate, but you may be able to find a plan that will help therapy be more affordable for you. please note that, unless you’ve just turned 26, the only time you can enroll in one of these plans is from like november 15-december 15 or something like that. so you may have to wait a while before you’re able to actually select a plan.

if you’re not 26 yet, and one of your parents or guardians has insurance, you may be able to get on their plan for little to no added cost. check with them and with their insurance company, if you’re able to, to see if this would be a possible option for you.

no one should have to go without healthcare, and it’s a major violation of human rights for us to have to live this way. but unfortunately that’s how life is for many americans. hopefully this will be of some benefit to a system out there in need of care. we wish you all the best, good luck with everything!

🐢 kip and 🌸 margo