#life has been in various extreme rough patches

[mymp3]

hi! its a delight to see that you have been enjoying minat + ryoj (and p3 in general), your tags and art just capture the essence of what makes them enjoyable...! anyways. did you know that the p3 mangaka previously made a ryomina doujin? cant send links but if u google "ryomina sogabe" u should be able to find it! have a nice day o/

FUCKING WHAT?

[ultra-raging-ghost]

Just saw your post about demon trio GAAAHH they are my Roman Empire. The moment when Mouse approached Bad when he was brain resetting in a little patch of flowers he placed down, how close they shifted to each other, it felt so ALIEN and and and cool and I’m so NORMALLL. And when Tina splashed herself with perfume and when she had that role play moment when (idk if it was canon or a character) she was SO OBSESSED with going to heaven, I think she was born a demon, and SOMEHOW acquired religious trauma along the line probably as a child. Born a demon left at an orphanage door idk and they made all the kids go to church or something and Tina was OBSESSED because it gave order and meaning to her life but she was a demon and-

Ok right questions. Sorry, gah I love demon trio. I need an arc where Mouse and Bad get together and try to help Tina. Love how Bad hides the fact he’s a demon not because he hates himself for it (maybe a little) but because he’s a recognizable wanted fucking criminal. Where was I going with this again?

Do you have any thoughts on them? ;v; (sorry for rambling in the ask D: )

AAAA I LOVE LONG ASKS LIKE THIS

okay i TOTALLY agree with you have so many thoughts, i was literally just thinking the same thing last night!!! The absolute difference in upbringing as far as the demons really shows in how they act and i have sooooo so many thoughts about it!!!

So first off, i dont really know how old mouse is in terms of her lore but as far as BBH is concerned hes fucking weird and is constantly alluding to his existence extended FAR before the universe even existed, hell even time and space, we dont actually know what the fuck his deal in full is actually!!! What we do know is he was summoned to Earth roughly eleven to fourteen thousand years ago!

Mouse gives us not as much age-wise from what ive heard but she has expressed that she considers two thousand year olds to be "baby" not quite baby but like VERY young! (I have a personal HC that bad's summoning let loose a new age of demons, maybe not all at once but very quickly so mouse would probably be over ten thousand years old)

Tina gives us absolutely NOTHING she doesnt like talking about her demon ancestry aside from hiding it (when bagi said mouse taught her how to smell demons tina quickly panicked and doused herself in perfume, etc etc. nothing super explicit from what ive seen but im relatively new to her lore). But i personally have a hc that shes roughly three thousand years old, coming into existence around the Middle Ages in 1000 CE. That might seem extremely young but honestly thats what im going for for her!!! super extremely young!!! and born around the time when Catholicism was popular!

In my mind, they all have very much different reasons for acting the way they do and im soooooo ill about it

As a BBH main i have the most information on him so ill be talking about the lore i know from him first before getting into the other two lovely ladies!! So what we've heard from BBH is that he prefers to "hide" his demonic features and "blend in" with humans as much as possible if he can, obviously he doesnt do very good at this but hes old as shit and very powerful so like who's gonna tell him??? From what we've heard of his lore, Bad is the cause of a LOT of minor and major disasters in history; Mt Vesuvius (who he named after a dead lover) exploding, the plague taking out most of europe (which he was a plague doctor for), and alongside other major things theres some minor events as well! Small wars he's been present in such as the HG war he was in with cellbit very recently, various other wars he eluded to that he recalled "blended together" because there were so many, that time he went to medical school for 15 minutes just to do brain surgery on that president on a boat.... he also knows a lot of major historical figures and hes been EVERYWHERE, we actually have a rough timeline of where he's been and when just based on who he knows. He knew not only the fucking guy who created the study of viruses, HIS ASS KNOWS ISAAC NEWTON..... and i think once he alluded to knowing goddamn adam and eve, maybe even being the snake in the goddamn garden. Considering its cannon to his lore that he was the angel locked beneath the euphrates river i wouldnt be surprised at that point.

All this to say: Bad has been present for and had an active hand in a LOT of major and minor disastrous historical events, and hes repeatedly talked about how people would chase him with torches and pitchforks - even referring to that activity as "therapy" and said thats the reason he doesnt believe in therapy, because it hurts and doesnt do anything for him except get him running.

Bad does not personally feel shame about his demonic features, he's used to hiding them (or at least intending to.... hes doing a bad job at it) for his own personal safety, because his role as >>>>A) a demon and B) the fucking ferryman of death<<<< brings him a LOT of negative attention. Negative attention that he's had to deal with ALONE for a majority of his existence, up until about fourteen thousand years ago.** (**A major event i feel caused a new era of Demons, we will talk about it more through the post)

Moving on to Mouse; i mention bad's role as a demon having an affect on negative things around him because i honestly think that applies to all or most demons. I don't know much about mouse's lore, but i do know shes proud of her heritage to some degree, is unashamed to tell people shes a demon, and will even actively teach people things about her species (Bringing back Bagi again - We know in cannon Demons smell like Sulfur, its been stated pomme and dapper and bad and mouse and tina all smell like it, and we can assume empanada also does or is starting to).

I, to some degree, think the beginning of her existence was much more accepting and inviting, while bad dealt with his negative experiences alone, and tina had her own upbringing we'll get into, Mouse came into existence during a "Dark" age, when bad was summoned to earth there was a wave of the newest generation of demons being spawned into this world(not in a "father of all demons" way but more in a "large expressions of magic often lead to a ripple affect of more magic" way). A lot of shit probably happened, im not insane like badboyhalo im not gonna research what happened but theres probably some kinda major event that happened. Demons born around that era probably had some kind of support system or way of existing that was underground enough for them to not be wiped out, but they had enough freedoms that mouse and others probably felt comfortable enough to express demonic traits.

I like to think this was the era of her life that had the most influence over her existence, that she was created with pride and will ALWAYS have that pride in her species, it may be dampened but it will never go away fully!*

*I like to think shes experienced maybe some shame over her species when it comes to minor historical events that shes contributed to by just being present, but it very rarely lasts longer than the event itself.

Tina, as far as im concerned, is the youngest of the demon trio aside from their kids. I kinda write her akin to Amethyst from SU, her existence was very recent and she was alone with very little or no initial support system, she was brought up thinking she was "wrong" in some way, her teeth and nails were too sharp, and she has horns and sometimes her skin has a purpleish hue to it that make other people think theres something wrong with her. She has a VERY obviously christian/catholic upbringing which was brought to light recently in one of her conversations with foolish. She's always felt shame about her species and she probably would have continued if it wasnt for mouse and bad, but ESPECIALLY if it wasnt for Empanada.

I have my own thoughts on the demon babies that we'll get into later, but after gaining her daughter who is very much going to be a demon (two demon parents, obvious demon child lol) i cant help but wonder how tina's planning on pushing aside her feelings of shame to make Empanada feel welcomed and loved regardless of her species?

Tina's very young, of course shes seen some major events in history but shes never been raised in community, she probably didnt even know thats just something that comes with the horns until very recently! I can imagine bad and mouse joking and giggling about that town that they stayed the night in that caught fire the next day that they got chased out of a couple hundred years ago, and i can imagine tina being confused as to why they found that amusing, is that normal? Tina's always had minor disasters follow her, her home town very likely burned down or got sick following or preceding a major milestone in her life, and thats probably continued to happen over the thousands of years shes been alive! Being a demon brought up in a very anti-demon environment, whos to say she even knew there were other demons out there really? She was a curse from god, she brought nothing but poor luck and sickness to her household (which i agree with you she was probably residing in an orphanage), she brought it everywhere she went. I cant help but ask myself "did she feel relief that it wasnt just her, or even more shame finding out this is a common occurrence for demons?"

Now thats most of what i have regarding the parents but i have a few notes on the demon kids. I think all the eggs have some sort of demonic features, obviously bads a huge influence on all of them and they care about him as their tia so i draw most of the babies with horns and tails of some kind, but i am particularly focusing on Dapper, Pomme and Empanada, the three demon babies whos actual official parents are the demons.

I dont have anything too specific for them, but i do believe they will grow up to have an attitude towards their species akin to how Mouse acts.

Unlike other demons or even their parents growing up, they have a support system and parents to explain to them things that will happen to them as they get older! They'll have someone to come back to, who will explain "Yes, that village got the plague because you walked through it and the sulfur you spread supernaturally brought illness and bad luck. No, its not your fault in particular. No, you shouldn't stop going into towns and villages, its the 21st century and if they cant stop the plague by now then they were gonna die anyway"

When they inevitably get shunned by humans for their species, they have someone to come back to to let them know that that wasnt right, but its a part of what happens to people like us. Maybe some day we wont have to experience that anymore, but right now the most important thing is to not get caught, and come home to your Mama so we can give you bandaids for your knees and treat your wounds.

I'm so very invested in how the demon babies will be brought up by their parents, i hope we get more demon lore in the future </3

This turned into an essay, hope thats alright njkbhjvgchfg i have so many thoughts on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[renoxvated]

SENSES & OTHER SPECIFIC HEADCANONS.

WHAT DOES YOUR MUSE SMELL LIKE?

He smells a lot like warm skin on a summer's day, vaguely of (sweet but musky) sweat and earth— something akin to the hot sand and dust. There’s a smell that lingers of smoke and alcohol on his lips and you’ll often catch the waft of the coppery scent of blood, or the dull air of campfire from his clothing. 

Sometimes he smells like oil and grease too. If he's working on weapons or tinkering on something, it’ll linger on him a little longer than it should. 

When he’s in less hot climates— I like to think he smells more earthy but like the ground after it rains. 

WHAT DO YOUR MUSE’S HANDS FEEL LIKE?

Rough, calloused from using them as a weapon. They’re large and thick and they’re not soft in the slightest but when he holds someone just right you’d think they were. They’re also heavily scarred and bruised at any given time, both various shades of old and new wounds settled into his skin, they make his hands feel like a road map of every decision he’s ever made both bad and good.

WHAT DOES YOUR MUSE USUALLY EAT IN A DAY?

Food? Anything and everything, he doesn’t know when his next meal is going to be, so he’ll really just eat anything and drink anything that’s vaguely digestible and drinkable, even if it’s questionable at best. His favorite thing to eat is Sugar Bombs however as he has a bit of a sweet tooth. 

DOES YOUR MUSE HAVE A GOOD SINGING VOICE?

Absolutely not, it’d be scratchy, loud and out of tune. Maybe charming if you knew him in a way that’s like your drunk friend being a dumbass at karaoke night but he definitely can’t sing— unfortunately much like the drunk friend at karaoke that’s never stopped him. 

DOES YOUR MUSE HAVE ANY BAD HABITS OR NERVOUS TICS?  

He has SO MANY, he moves his hands a lot in weird little motions, he always has to be touching something like he’s grounding himself, most of the time it’s just his own hands cracking themselves together or rubbing at his arms or face. He rolls his shoulders often and bounces on his heels, or moves and wiggles in place. Roy licks and bites at his lips all the time, and he sticks out his tongue more often than any one person should when he’s excited or nervous, etc— whatever emotional extreme. 

WHAT DOES YOUR MUSE USUALLY LOOK LIKE/WEAR?

Usually like he just crawled out of bed, though it’s the sort of crawled out of bed that’s kind of half put together without him trying so you’re like, how??? His hair is in fluffy messy curls, when it isn’t drenched in sweat or covered in water, from him pouring it on himself when he gets too hot. 

He wears big ol’ dusty dirty work boots, or on occasion cowboy boots, depending on what he can find. He loves tacky tourist shirts and tank tops. Denim jeans are just fine by him, in either blue or black. 

He wears a lot of paramilitary clothing if he’s going out to fight more dangerous battles such as his NCR Ranger variant attire. Normally he has either a leather jacket on, or his Ranger duster that’s adorned with patches from all the places he’s been, they cover up all the bullet holes and mutant rips pretty nicely. 

He has two bags he carries around, one side satchel that’s his Mojave Express bag and an old beat up military looking backpack. There is of course the Pip-Boy that Doc Mitchell gave to him too, it’s nothing fancy but it does have some slight variation to it after he got House to have it upgraded. 

IS YOUR MUSE AFFECTIONATE? HOW MUCH? HOW SO?

Roy is…well he’s a bit of an enigma when it comes to affection because he’s VERY touchstarved, like he might as well be so starved for attention and affection that he’s in a desert and he’s PARCHED for it. Be he fears it just as much if not MORE than he craves it. I think on a deeper level he wants that human connection with people, he doesn't want to be seen as some hero or villian, he just wants to be seen as what he is, and he wants people in his life that will show him the affection, either emotional or physical, friendly or otherwise that he's lacked. That being said he’s so leery of being touched or being affectionate physically and even emotionally that unless he’s doing it to be annoying, he’s just not going to do it at all-- or usually react well to it. 

He likes to show his affection in ways other than touch though, usually by his actions or gifts and in that way he is the most generous and affectionate to those that he cares about, in stark contrast to his otherwise flagrant nature.

That isn’t to say he couldn’t be physically affectionate with someone but it would definitely be harder for him to get comfortable, that being said once he was I imagine the fact that he's been so scared and touch starved for attention would make him almost overly affectionate physically at times and at other times when he’s in his feelings not at all again. 

WHAT POSITION DOES YOUR MUSE SLEEP IN?

Roy tosses and turns A LOT, he tends to have bad nightmares after he returns from the Madre, so he prefers not sleeping around anyone if he can help it. Sometimes he just won’t sleep at all because of that. If he does sleep it’s always on his side, sort of curled up with one eye open. 

As long as he can anyway until he eventually surrenders to his exhaustion; before waking up sweaty clutching his golden arm or his neck. 

He doesn’t like to be under any kind of covers as his body temperature tends to run hot anyway and he doesn’t like feeling confined. He is however a bed hog and will slump his whole body on top of anyone next to him.

COULD YOU HEAR YOUR MUSE IN THE HALLWAY FROM ANOTHER ROOM?

If you didn’t hear him even from another room it’d be a miracle, Roy is loud and boisterous, some might consider him obnoxious— but it is what it is. He knows how to be quiet but it’s in the spare moments where it matters. 

Those quiet moments before you put the fire out after dark, looking out at a sunset or someone just needs comfort without words, when it’s life or death if he doesn’t shut his trap, you know those kind of moments he could be so quiet you wouldn’t even think he was the same person. He can also be quiet in a rage just as easily as he can be loud, and heaven help whatever has him that quiet, because if he’s that serious; he’s also that deadly. 

Otherwise though yes, you will probably hear him from another room, but maybe if that loud laugh, or string of curses weren’t there the house would feel just a bit too empty. 

Tagged by @ruinouss

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do this!

[thisaintascenereviews]

Third Quarter Check-In (with @jakeh2987)

Depending on where you’re at in the world, especially the United States, it’s finally fall. I live in the southern half of the country, and while it’s relatively chilly today as I write this, the temperature is supposed to go back up to the mid-70s, so it won’t necessarily feel like fall for awhile. I don’t terribly mind it, however, because I’m not too fond of the cold anymore, despite living it in for the first 26 years of my life. Nonetheless, there is something about the leaves changing color, a slight breeze in the air, all the while wearing a hoodie in the morning and a t-shirt during the afternoon. I do quite enjoy the fall, because it’s not too hot and not too cold at the same time, and I love spooky season, but I’ll be doing something separate for that, so keep a lookout for that piece in the near future. It’s gonna be a spooky old time, I promise.

In the meantime, however, it’s time to fanboy about random stuff again! Every few months, my buddy Jake and I have been getting together and talking about what we’ve been into for the last couple months, whether it comes to new releases of all kinds of media, or releases new to us, because you don’t always need to sink your teeth into new material. A lot of music fans, music YouTubers, and publications seem to place a lot of emphasis on listening to new stuff, but there’s no pressure. As much as I love new music, movies, and games, I also enjoy diving into stuff from yesteryear. So Jake, now that the summer has come to a close, and we’re moving into fall, let me start off this piece by simply asking you, how have been the last few months?

Honestly, the end of summer going into the fall season has been a bit of a whirlwind for me, especially mentally. I'm not quite sure if it's general burnout, or just one of those times where you're feeling a little down and out, but I feel like I haven't quite been able to take everything in and enjoy the summer as much as I would have liked to. That being said, the start of fall has been off to a better start for the most part and has been a nice reset of sorts, so I'm hoping I can carry that as we get further into the rest of the season and the year as a whole.

Now, as always, one thing that's comforted me through this rough patch has been the various forms of media that we love, whether it be music, movies, TV, games, and so on. I always love doing these things with you because it's a great opportunity to reflect on what particularly grabbed us and has been helping us through something or has been that really exciting thing we can't get enough of. I think to start off, I'll turn it back over to you, what have you been watching/playing/reading lately?

I’m sorry to hear that, man, but seasonal depression seems to be hitting people hard right now, so I can understand that. We’ve all had periods like that, where we just feel burned out in general. I’m glad to hear that the fall is doing you some good, though, and I’m happy that the weather is getting a bit chillier and mellower, versus being 90 degrees. Media, regardless of the type, has always comforted me, too, especially when we get together and do something like this. We can talk about what we’ve been into for the last few months, regardless of what it is, and what medium it’s on.

I’ve been into a lot of stuff, surprisingly, and I’m really excited this time around, because I got some stuff to talk about other than music, mainly some TV shows, movies, and video games. I still got some music to talk about, but only a few new releases, instead it’s a handful of stuff that’s either been new to me or that I’ve been revisiting. I think I’ll start with the new releases, because I only have a few of those, and I really wanted to highlight other stuff this time around. Not too much has come out the last couple of months that I’ve been extremely head over heels for, but the new Fame On Fire, Rain City Drive, The Black Dahlia Murder, and the debut album from a retro-leaning rock band called Brigitte Calls Me Baby have all been new albums that I’ve loved since our last check-in piece. What about you? What kinds of new stuff have you been into?

That new Rain City Drive album is really damn good, huh? That's one I've also been really into; it's one of those albums that kinda sneaks up on you for how good it is and how often you'll be revisiting it. But besides that, I wanna give a shout to the new Trash Boat album, Heaven Can Wait. Trash Boat is a band I've always liked and thought they were solid enough, but this album is the one that really won me over. They went for a grungy meets Deftones sound on this one, and I think it's really cool. Fever 333's new album, Darker White, is another super fun one, while also being very in your face and blunt about what it's trying to say, but in a very good way. And Void of Vision's new one, which you actually recommended to me, has been one I came back to quite a bit. Just really solid metalcore/Octanecore all around.

Oh, yeah, Things Are Different Now is a great album, despite its title being a misnomer, because it’s nothing different at all, ironically enough. It’s still a really solid album, easily the best thing they’ve done, because they honed their sound to be as refined as it can get. I’ve heard of Trash Boat, though, but that may persuade me to check it out! That sounds real interesting, honestly. The new Fever 333 album is really good, too; I wouldn’t say it’s one of my favorite albums of the year, but it’s a huge step up from their last album, although that was five years ago (not counting their last EP from 2022). Void Of Vision’s latest is great, too, and that’s also a big step from their last couple of albums, so I’m happy to recommend you that one! A lot of really good Octanecore has come out, huh? Still on the subject of music, though, what are some older bands / albums you’ve been into lately, or stuff that’s just new to you?

So, there have been two big deep dives I've been undertaking over the last couple months, so I wanted to mainly highlight those! First, Linkin Park really needs no introduction at this point, but after vocalist Chester Bennington tragically passed away in 2017, nobody was quite sure what the future held for the band. Fast-forward to last month, and we finally got that answer in the form of a new vocalist, a massive new tour, and a new album, From Zero, coming out in November. I've been enjoying the two new songs they've put out so far with new vocalist Emily Armstrong (who's from a band called Dead Sara, a pretty solid band, from the bits I've checked out), and I've been having so much fun watching all the footage from the live shows, hearing all these old songs again after a long while. Anyway, this prompted me to revisit Linkin Park's discograhy, more specifically their 2010s work, from A Thousand Suns to their final album with Bennington, One More Light, to see if I would feel differently about any of it now, years removed from their releases and Chester's passing. I have a more in-depth piece on this in the works that I hope to have out by the time From Zero comes out, but for now, I'll just say that it's been a really fascinating journey through these later albums. I'm not a fan of all of it, and in fact I'm still pretty bummed that One More Light was the last thing Chester did with them because I wish I liked it way more than I do, but I reaally do admire them for not ridiing on the cotails of their early 2000s sound and never really making the same album twice. I'm ultimately just happy to have them back, and I can't wait to see how this new era shakes out.

The other main thing I've been getting really into started from randomly scrolling on TikTok, as one does. I came across this account called Emo Social Club that's a podcast about, you guessed it, emo music and the whole subculture/community that surrounds it. The videos I kept getting recommended were the hosts reviewing albums that were going to be played in full at this year's When We Were Young festival (which I believe is happening this weekend as of writing this). I noticed a lot of the albums they were talking about were ones I hadn't heard yet, so I thought it would be fun to check out all of the ones that are new to me! I've gone through quite a few of them so far, and I found some really great albums I'm kinda kicking myself for not listening to sooner. A couple of highlights are Tonight Alive's The Other Side from 2013, which was a really cool pop-punk/pop-rock album that had moments where they kinda do the "heavy pop" thing before it was really a thing thanks to bands like Issues and The Home Team. I also really ended up enjoying The Used's In Love and Death; that album is pure 2000s post-hardcore/emo nostalgia, yet it doesn't feel all that dated or cringy like some of that stuff can feel by today's standards. One of the <most interesting albums of the bunch so far was The Forecast's In The Shadow of Two Gunmen. Think midwest emo with a sprinkle of southern rock and dual vocalists, and you have that album. I dug the hell out of this, and I had literally never heard of this band before. Emery's debut album, The Weak's End, might be my favorite of what I've checked out so far, though. It's the mix of that classic post-hardcore sound with a realy soulful clean vcoalist that hits me, and I'm excited to dive into their other albums at some point.

Turning it back to you, what are some things that you've been getting into that aren't necessarily new releases, but might be new to you?

You know, it’s cool to see Linkin Park after all these years, because they’ve just needed the right vocalist to keep them going, as well as come back at the right time. I’m curious for their new album, but all eyes (and ears) are sure to be on them when it does come out. As for When We Were Young, that’s a really cool rabbit hole to go down, because there are tons of albums in that vein, some of those I’ve never heard. I’ve had a few deep dives within the last couple months, and I’ve written some in-depth pieces on a few of these, but when we did our piece on Yellowcard’s Southern Air, I got into a bunch of 2010s pop-punk albums, including stuff from All Time Low, Broadside, and a bunch more stuff, so that was a fun journey revisiting a lot of that stuff and seeing if it holds up all these years later.

Shortly after that, I got into Green Day a bit for some reason; I listened to Dookie and American Idiot, just to see how I feel about those albums all these years later, but I also got into some of Billie Joe Armstrong’s side projects and I realized that I really like him as an artist, just not necessarily with Green Day, which is weird to say, but I really enjoyed his side projects. This wasn’t much of a deep dive, but I spent a few weeks also listening to the Hamilton soundtrack a lot, and I forgot how much I really enjoyed that soundtrack a lot. I read a bit of the Alexander Hamilton biography that inspired it, too, and it was really fascinating stuff. I never ended up writing about the soundtrack, but that’s something I’d like to do in the near future.

The final deep dive I’ve been taking is the one I’m currently in, where I’ve become enamored with jazz and traditional pop music from the 1940s and 1950s. I’ve also been listening to a few Halloween albums from the 1960s, and that inspired me to get into some artists and albums from around the same time again. I’ve been getting into jazz for the past few years, as well as music that you’d hear in the Fallout games, and despite being 70 years old and over, a lot of this music is very timeless. I’m specifically getting into a bunch of Frank Sinatra, whom I’ve always been a huge fan of, but really have been taking the plunge into his body of work the last few years. I just really love that 1940s and 1950s crooner sound that him and Dean Martin pioneered back in those days.

Enough about that, though, because let’s talk about some other media that we’ve been into, like TV shows and movies, for instance. What kinds of stuff have you been watching lately?

Because I've been having a bit of a down time the last couple months, I've been in the mood for a lot more lighter stuff for the most part. I've been slowly making my way through a rewatch of Community, a show I believe you introduced me to way back when we first met, and I forgot how great even that first season is basically right out the gate. It's been years since I've watched it all the way through, but with the buzz of the long-awaited movie finally gaining traction, it felt like a good time to revisit this. I also made it to the final season of Gotham that I've been watching with a couple friends of mine for over a year now, and that show continues to be a fun ride.It's got this nice blend of being a cop drama but also knowing when to lean into the campy nonsense that comes with some of Batman's villains, so it hits just what I'm looking for, a little more dramatic than a straight comedy, but not too heavy. That being said, I haven't been watching a ton of new stuff, either stuff that's just been released or new to me, and it's been nice to kind of hang back and revisit some old favorites or continue a show I've beeen enjoying a lot, in the case of Gotham. With Halloween season in full swing, though, I do plan on checking out some horror movies and possibly checking out some horror-adjacent shows, like maybe revisiting some particularly creepy episodes of Criminal Minds or starting a show like Fringe or The X-Files. Netflix also just added the 2018 Halloween, so that's one on my list for sure.

But what about you? Anything in particular that you've been watching that's really got its hooks in you?

Community is such a great show! I don’t think I told you, but I rewatched it a couple of years ago myself, and I also finished the rest that I never saw, especially that sixth season on Yahoo. While it wasn’t great, it wasn’t half bad, actually, so I’m excited for a movie. Speaking of Batman, I did watch the new Batman animated show on Prime Video when that dropped in August, and that was a real fun ride, especially if you love the 90s animated series. I haven’t watched a lot, either, but I’ve mainly been into two shows — That 90s Show, which unfortunately got canceled a couple of weeks ago, and Agatha All Along.

The former is a 90s-set sequel of That 70s Show, which is my favorite sitcom of all time, so I’ve been looking forward to it, and it’s a ton of fun. It’s very lighthearted, but it’s also got some bigger themes every now and again, at least without being heavy handed or preachy. The latter, however, is the newest MCU show that picks up where WandaVision left off a few years ago. As of writing this, there are two episodes left, but it’s been a fun and spooky ride. It’s more or less on the campier side of Halloween, which I really like, but it’s an interesting show about the more supernatural side of the MCU, right up there with Doctor Strange and stuff like that.

I haven’t watched a lot of movies lately, though, except for one — Terrifier 3. My wife and I just saw it this past weekend, and this movie has been the talk of the town for the past week, whether it’s for its gruesome and gratuitous violence, or for how well it’s doing as an independent horror movie. I’ve seen the other two as well, and I’m pretty mixed on them, although I’ve also come to look at those movies for what they are — purposely low budget and heavily reliant on practical effects that look like they’re straight out of the 1980s with a fun and terrifying (pun intended) killer that’s become a new horror icon over the last couple of years. They’re not for everyone, especially not for the faint of heart, but they’re impressive, at least. I’m more so mixed on the story, the characters, and its lore, but again, I can look at the movies for what they are, so those things are all secondary to what people really want to see. This new one takes place during Christmastime, and it doesn’t have a lot to do with Christmas, but it’s still a lot of fun (despite some of it does go a little too far with the level of violence it depicts).

I've been hearing a lot about Terrifier recently with the new movie coming out, and I'd like to at least check out the first one for myself ot finally see what the hype is all about, so maybe that's another one to add to the list!

I think the biggest thing for me over the last couple months has been games, though. For starters, after 197 hours, I finally finished Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth, and that was a really emotional and wild journey with a mindfuck of an ending. The wait for the third and final part of this remake trilogy is gonna be excruciating, but I'm feeling confident that they'll stick the landing. After that, though, I wanna give a particular shoutout to The Plucky Squire, the debut game from a team headed up by former designers on the Pokemon series. It's got this really cool storybook aesthetic and is very inspired by classic 2D adventure games like Zelda, but the neat twist is that you get, well, plucked out of the storybook and into the 3D world, and it's revealed that you're characters in a storybook, in a very meta way. It's one of my favorite games this year easily, and I'm not even finished with it yet. I did also finish The Evil Within 2 just a few days ago, and that was a wild survival horror experience perfect for this time of year. And currently, I'm bouncing between a couple things, mainly my first playthrough of Mass Effect 2 (which I'm enjoying a lot so far) and my replay of Alan Wake 2, my favorite game of last year, to get ready for the DLC that's dropping next week. So all in all, I've been having a great time with games recently, but how about you?

The new Terrifier movie has been the talk of the movie world right now, especially considering the other clown movie that came out didn’t do too hot. I was gonna see that, but after hearing the negative backlash it got, I’m gonna wait until it hits Max to give it a watch. I’d check out the first two Terrifier movies, though, but the second one is where the story really starts (although the first one still is kind of important, for reasons I won’t spoil). I also forgot to mention one other thing I’ve been watching, and that’s the drag competition show Dragula. I’ve loved that show for years now, especially because it’s a spookier alternative to something like Drag Race, but it’s also horror-themed, so it usually comes out around this time each year.

As for video games, it hasn’t been the thing I’ve been most sinking my teeth into the last few months, but I’ve played a couple of games for the last couple months, nonetheless, and I wanted to talk about them, because I really took my time with them and spent a lot of time with them. Those two games are Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus, and Jedi Survivor. The former has just been on my radar for the longest time after playing the first one in the rebooted franchise, and that was a fun time, especially being able to unleash hell on a bunch of Nazis. The story was fun, and poignant, but nothing beats plowing through Nazis like they’re mince meat.

Jedi Survivor, though, is what I was real excited about, especially after seeing that it was coming to the PlayStation 4, as it’s been a PS5 exclusive for the past year. I love the first one, even if the combat was a bit lacking in spots, and the game didn’t always tell you where to go, so a lot of its puzzles were really confusing. I felt the same way here, but the story is absolutely wonderful, heart wrenching, and genuinely surprising, but the combat is better and more varied this time, as well as being able to customize Cal Kestis is really cool. The game does feel slightly bloated, because after one of the main villain was defeated, I was wondering where we went next, but they cleverly had another villain that didn’t need to really be a villain, but I guess it sort of sets up the next game. Even then, I like that we only explore a few planets, versus quite a lot in the first game, so you get to spend more time in these few places and familiarize yourself there, versus having to adapt to a new place every little while. The game also looks utterly gorgeous throughout; the levels and worlds are massive, and everything just feels so huge and larger than life.

Oh man, I loved both of those games! I haven't played all of The New Colossus, but you nailed it, the feeling of running into a room and just wrecking an entire horde of Nazis is so satisfying, especially when you really get a groove for the flow of combat and unlock some of the stronger weapons and abilitites. And Jedi: Survivor was one of my other favorite games of last year; Cameron Monoghan is really great as Cal Kestis, and with the devs recently announcing that there's gonna be one final game in this series, I'm so excited to see where Cal's journey goes, because this one has some interesting setups for where it could potentially end up.

There is another game I forgot to mention earlier, but I wanted to give it a quick shoutout at least, and that's Resident Evil 6. I've been playing the co-op Resident Evil games with a friend of mine for the last few months, and it's been a great time. RE6 is far from my favorite game in the series, but this is the one where they kinda just saiid "fuck it" and went full-on silly action movie, and it's so ridiculous that you can't help but have a good laugh at it, and it's infinitely more enjoyable with a friend. Having Leon Kennedy do backflips and roundhouse kicking zombies while dual-wielding pistols just never gets old.

The ending of The New Colossus is so satisfying, although I will say that the next game in the series, Youngblood, is kind of a disappointment, despite having some cool ideas. I’ve played some of it, and I kind of like what they’re going for, but at the same time, it just doesn’t hit the same. I’m really excited for the final game in Cal’s journey, especially with how Survivor ended, there’s a lot they can explore. You know, I’ve only played part or Resident Evil 7, where it goes back to its survival horror roots, and I’ve always wanted to dive into those games, but I’ve never been good at survival horror games, although what I played was really cool.

Before we close out this piece, I had an idea to add one final “section,” so to speak, and I wanted to highlight some wild card pieces of media. Are there any podcasts, YouTubers, streamers, or anything like that you’ve been enjoying. Not even just recently, but throughout this whole year. I usually listen to a lot of podcasts and watch a handful of creators, so I was wondering who some of yours have been this year.

Ooh, this is a fun new addition, and I can absolutely highlight a few! First, YouTube channel Internet Today has been in heavy rotation leading up to the election and the surrounding shitshow. I've followed Ricky and Elliot for years across their various shows and channels, and while I haven't watched quite as regularly the last couple years, I came back around pretty hard this year. If you're looking for a news show on YouTube that isn't full of the same tired, corporate nonsense, Internet Today is always funny, always very blunt in calling out bullshit, and always just super entertaining (their Weekly Weird News show is a particular highlight for me). Next, I wanna highlight my favorite gaming podcast/YouTube channel, MinnMax. MinnMax was started by former Game Informer members (RIP GI, they were sadly completely shut down earlier this year by GameStop) after a round of layoffs, and I've been a big fan since. Their flagship show is the weekly podcast, where they cover what's happening in the industry, review games, your farily typical thing for a games podcast. But, they have two other big things that I think really sets them apart for me. The first is a show called New Show Plus, which is where random ideas for new shows are thrown out and voted on by Patreon supporters every week. These shows can range from simple multiplayer sessions with the hosts or veer into the most absurd thing that has very little to do with games at all. A one-off idea also has a shot to become an ongoing series if the community keeps voting for it. One fun series this year that ended up lasting a few weeks was two of the hosts going to a local bar and playing oversized versions of games like chess, Jenga, and scrabble. It's a super fun concept, and you never really know what you're gonna get every week. The other big one is called The Deepest Dive, which MinnMax founder Ben Hanson always introduces as "the best, most thorough discussions about games on the internet." Honestly, I'm hard-pressed to disagree! Think of it like a book club, but for games, where a panel of hosts and the community will play a game in chunks, and then there will be multiple deep dive videos covering those chunks where the community also asks questions and talks about their favorite moments. They did a Deepest Dive on Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth this year that ended up totaling a little over 18 hours across five videos. You have an infinite number of spoiler podcasts or deep dive lore videos all over the internet, but I don't think anyone else is having this level of discussion about games quite like this, and the community involvement makes it even better. Finally, I'm a part of so many wonderful communities on Twitch, and have been since 2020 at the height of the pandemic. It's kind of hard to highlight one or even a small handful, so I'm gonna drop some links for a bunch of creators I'm friends with and creators I greatly admire, and you won't be steered wrong by hopping into any of these streams. A recurring theme you'll find in all these places is being fiercly anti-gatekeeping and being loud and passionable about what you love, while also weeding out anyone who tries to disrupt that.

twitch.tv/sagemalloww

twitch.tv/ashiirosee

twitch.tv/lifewithkendal

twitch.tv/kaiielle

twitch.tv/jesscapricorn

twitch.tv/ohlindsey

twitch.tv/clairecurrently

twitch.tv/littleoneyouare

twitch.tv/smoisnow

twitch.tv/alaselizabeth

twitch.tv/marshmllodragon

twitch.tv/quantumbat

twitch.tv/amarisskye

twitch.tv/elliejoypanic

I'm so curious to hear about what creators or podcasts you've been into throughout the year, so fire away!

Oh man, Internet Today is a name I haven’t heard in years, but I used to watch them back about a decade ago! I used to watch them a lot, especially the Weekly Weird News episodes, but I stopped keeping up with after awhile. I think it was because of something I still regularly struggle with — there’s just too much to keep up with, whether it’s music, movies, TV, podcasts, or YouTubers. It’s just way too much, kinda because we have access to everything at our fingertips these days. I do have fond memories of watching them, though, but it’s cool to hear they’re still going! That other podcast / video network sounds really cool, though, especially when creators can offer something new. It’s so easy to make podcasts, stream, or make YouTube videos, because the bar to accessibility is so low, anyone can do it. That doesn’t mean just anyone should, though, so it’s cool to hear there’s something unique out there.

As for myself, I’ve been into a fair bit of both podcasts and YouTubers / video creators, but I’ll highlight a few here, first with some podcasts then some video creators. There are two podcasts I found within the last year that I’ve been a huge fan of: Too Much Information and Kermitment, both of which are pretty niche but a whole lot of fun. The former is basically a trivia podcast, where both hosts will dive into a certain piece of media and talk about every little tidbit of it. The hosts are both really entertaining, as well as both knowledgeable with a lot of pop culture, both having written for People Magazine, and various other music and media publications. They also talk a lot of different stuff, including different kinds of movies, TV shows, and music, versus one or two styles of each. The latter, however, is very niche and specific. Kermitment is a Muppets podcast where each episode is dedicated to a certain Muppets or Muppets-adjacent project, and it’s all in order. The podcast started a few years ago, but in the last few years, they’ve covered about 30 years worth of stuff, so they’re in the late 80s right now, right around at the dark times for the Muppets before Jim Henson passed. Funny thing is, too, this podcast was started by one of the hosts of Sci-Show Tangents (another podcast I like with Hank Green), and another employee of that company, who works on the YouTube channel. The hosts of Dragula, a show I talked about earlier, also have a podcast that they mainly utilize on the off season (but they use the podcast during each season to be a BTS look inside each episode), where they talk about horror of all kinds.

As for YouTubers, I wanted to highlight a few of those as well! Firstly, I wanted to highlight a channel that is pretty well known, but has had a “renaissance” in the last few years, if you will — Smosh. Known for sketch comedy in the early 00s, they’ve had a few eras over the years, and for the last handful of years, they’ve been in a weird spot, especially with new cast members and without founding member Anthony Padilla. Anthony ended up returning a little over a year ago, and even before then, they were riding high with a new found passion and creativity that I’ve been really loving. They got some new cast members, too, and they’re essentially a YouTube SNL now, only they don’t a lot of skits, but they all interact and have a lot of funny moments together. They’re just a fun lighthearted channel that’s gotten me through the last few years. A few other YouTubers I’ve been into for awhile now have been FunkyFrogbait, who are one of the new “commentary YouTubers” that aren’t a straight white guy, and Kaz Rowe, who talks about weird, niche, scandalous things throughout history. There are a handful more, too, but I wanted to specifically highlight a couple of my favorites that I’ve found recently. Same with podcasts, too, because there are a lot, but I wanted to talk about a specific few of them.

Oh man, it's so cool to hear that Smosh is still around and putting out quality stuff! I do remember hearing about Anthony coming back after some time away, but I haven't really kept up with them since, so maybe I should change that! That Muppets podcast also sounds super cool, especially going through the entire history, even stuff more casual fans like myself might not know about. Making a note to check that out as well.

Before we close this out, is there anything in particular you're looking forward to for the rest of this year? For me, it's gonna be the new State Champs album. They're one of my favorite bands in general and in pop-punk, and while they might have a generally consistent sound, they do it so well that you don't mind. I'm also really excited about the new Life Is Strange game, Double Exposure. The main protagonist from the original game, Max Caulfield, is back for this game, and I'm interested in seeing how her story evolves from that original game and how they weave in your choices from that.

Smosh is actually really good now, and they’re at their creative peak, especially having a large cast with a lot more personalities and diverse ideas and backgrounds, but they’re clearly having a lot of fun these days. Kermitment is seriously one of my favorite podcasts lately, because of how deep they go into the Muppets history. They talked a lot about obscure stuff from before The Muppet Show, including a lot of stuff I’ve never heard of, so it’s a really cool history lesson into Jim Henson and all of his work.

Anyhow, I can’t say I’m really looking forward to anything in particular, but I know there are things coming out that I’m excited about, for sure. I wish I had a PS5, because I’d love to play the new Life Is Strange. I’ve played a few others, and they’re a ton of fun, but I hate that a lot of new games are PS5 exclusive. I’m sure that the next couple weeks will have a lot, but it’ll be nice when things slow down, so we can enjoy a lot of what we loved this year, or catch up on stuff we missed. I also can’t wait to listen to some Christmas music, too. As I write this, Dan + Shay just dropped a new Christmas album, and it’s actually pretty good.

That is one good thing about this time of year, for sure, being able to take a step back and kinda chill out and catch up on stuff we may have missed, especially as year-end list season comes around. Which, you bet I'm down to get back together for the big year-end piece again! Last year was a blast, and I can't wait to do it again.

Ooh, we get to do this in another couple months, and I’m looking forward to it, because we can reflect on the whole year, and it’s gonna be a blast. Thanks again for jumping aboard to do this with me, Jake, you know I always appreciate it!

Thanks for having me on board again! These are always so fun to do, and I can't wait to see what the last bit of the year has in store.

[cephalog0d]

"He could smell something warm and full of aromatic spices, which was a good sign nothing had gone disastrously wrong. The door was mostly closed and Damian had music playing, so Bruce couldn’t make out any individual words, but he could faintly hear Damian speaking in Arabic. He caught an exasperated exclamation of “Mother”, followed by slightly tinny laughter from Talia over the phone, but it was much more performative than genuinely distressed, so he decided to leave them to it."

I was finally reading Comfort Food and this paragraph grabbed me by the throat!!! Like adult Damian calling him mom just to cook for his baby brother and they're having a fun/pleasant time?? I NEED the DVD commentary

Biggest Brother Damian does all sorts of little nice and helpful things for his siblings but if you make a big deal about it and call it out he gets real awkward. XD He's like a brownie, he can only do nice things if no one's calling attention to it. (That's mostly a joke, but a little bit true that he's a lot better at actions than words. He is, in some ways, his father's son and not so great at the whole "using your words to express affection" thing, so he just does stuff for them instead. Like making soup! Because feeding people is a great way to show you care without actually having to talk about it much! See also: Damian throwing a granola bar directly at Tim's face when he's been on the computer too long without a break, because they get along better now but they don't get along that well.)

I was thinking about the fact that Dick's life has been totally upended, and how beyond losing his parents he's also lost a whole slew of other things that were familiar and comforting, and then thinking about parallels there with Damian having to adjust to living in Gotham/with Bruce (compared to Tim and Jason who were at least from Gotham already; Cass has her own complicated relationship with her childhood vs her time with Bruce that's kind of a different thing than just a change in culture). And that led to thinking about food, specifically, in that context and here we are!

And the great thing about doing an AU is that you get to choose if/how you want to incorporate canon and in my case I am BLATANTLY IGNORING all of the "Talia is a horrible, abusive parent" canon and letting her actually be a good mom, dammit. (At least within the bounds of her being a somewhat morally ambiguous comic book character. Good parenting is kind of a sliding scale in the DC verse, and particularly in the Bat verse.) She's not a perfect parent, but neither is Bruce (and they share some of the same parenting flaws! Like extremely high expectations for themselves and everyone around them, or weird ideas about what knowledge and training is and isn't appropriate for a child to take part in, or having very strong opinions on What's Best For Damian that don't necessarily align with each other OR with Damian himself and have definitely never been a three-way point of contention at any point during his childhood).

There's been some rough patches over the years, but by this point Damian is on mostly good terms with both of his parents, and while he mostly lived in Gotham growing up (after the point where he actually met Bruce, obviously) he did also split his time visiting Talia in various parts of the world for various lengths of time, depending on what exactly she was up to. (Yes, as he has acquired more and more younger siblings he has started bringing gifts back for them. He says it's because they won't shut up and leave him alone if he doesn't, but you know. Literally no one believes that.)

His phone call to Talia here definitely consisted of equal parts helpful instruction in what to do and deeply unhelpful commentary on the state of Bruce's pantry and what he does and doesn't keep stocked. Or honestly probably a lot more of her dragging Bruce and less actual help. Damian definitely just asked her to text him a recipe and instead she was like "Nope, phone call" and he only complained like twice about how a text would've been easier when she spent like five minutes explaining what not to use instead of actually offering a suitable substitution.

(This story also sent me down a rabbit hole trying to research what type of food different parts of the world consider "sick people food", a la chicken noodle soup in the US, and mostly consisted of me being frustrated that the first page of results was almost entirely the same list of a dozen things repackaged by different sites, and then it devolved into articles with titles about "what country's food will make you sick?" Super helpful, internet, thanks. I did find a big reddit thread that was somewhat helpful, once I skimmed past all the answers that weren't really an answer or didn't bother to say where they were talking about. And it's funny because it was a very minor detail that got glossed over anyway due to the POV involved. Whoops. But I have several recipes I want to make now?)

[we-are-inevitable]

Trans masc Davey?

TRANSMASC DAVEY. YES

having a SUPER close bond with Sarah, his twin sister; she was the first person he came out to, and she was so SO supportive. helping him figure out measurements for a binder- bc sarah definitely sews her own clothes and has everything they need for measurements- and figures out how to order it discreetly. not that he’s worried about telling his parents, but that’s a Big Step and he isn’t sure he’s ready for it.

he’s already kind of “tomboy-ish”- i like to think davey is pretty sporty despite the everything about him, and basketball is his #1. sarah takes him thrift shopping and they get him a few masculine basics that he can dress up or down or “feminine” depending on the case, and once the binder gets there, the gender euphoria he feels in a t-shirt and men’s jeans just cements the newfound identity.

coming out to his parents is very emotional but they’re extremely supportive!! they may not fully understand but they try, and they start using his pronouns immediately. esther taking him to a friend who does hair and they do the Big Chop and david doesn’t stop smiling the entire way home.

coming out to everyone else is still kind of a hassle though. most of his friends are some flavor of queer but it’s still Daunting, and the first non-family member he tells is jack, his best friend and crush of ~3 years. i imagine davey to be 15 or 16 when he comes out too. jack being immediately supportive and nonchalant about it !!

he probably doesn’t verbally tell that many other people, just updates his pronouns on instagram and other various social media accounts

davey getting top surgery during the summer between senior year of high school and freshman year of college; he saves half of the money over two or three years of working while in school and his parents know how important it is to him so they save up the other half and help him find a good doctor as an early graduation present. it’s scary and perfect and he’s so fucking happy

at this point he’s been on T for a few years

moving onto some little hcs instead of a made up background:

sarah making him clothes !! she loves any and all things fashion and making a new cool wardrobe for her new cool brother is everything to her

he still plays sports, which can be a bit tricky, but basketball is like one of his fave things and his school is pretty great so they basically let him decide which team he feels more comfortable on

i feel like race is always trans to me so davey and race being trans besties. they aren’t super close but they Understand and they listen to each other vent or rant whenever they need

davey cycling between a few names before landing on david, and he decides on it bc his mother gifts him with a star of david necklace for his birthday and he just kind of says. ah yea this. this fits well

he just has a really good support system and everyone is pretty great. ofc there are some rough patches but for the most part his coming out/how he lives his life is incredible

i wanted to go a more angsty route with this but us trans people deserve happy stories. love you guys v v much <33

[trendingblogwriter]

Mind Matters: Tips and Resources for Taking Charge of Your Mental Health

As we all navigate through the ups and downs of life, mental health has been a hot topic that has been receiving more and more attention. With all that is going on in the world right now, it's crucial to prioritize taking care of our mental health.

Mental health encompasses our emotional, psychological, and social well-being, and it has a significant impact on how we think, feel, and behave. It influences every aspect of our lives, from our relationships to our work, and it's important to recognize its significance.

One thing we must remember is that it's okay to not be okay. We all have rough patches in life, and it's essential to give ourselves grace and allow ourselves to experience our emotions. However, if we are feeling extremely low for a prolonged period or if our mental health is disrupting our daily routine, seeking help is necessary.

The good news is that there are various resources available for mental health support. If you're feeling overwhelmed or need someone to talk to, there are many options available. Whether it's a friend, family member, or a mental health professional, talking about your feelings can help alleviate the burden and help you feel better.

Practicing self-care is another essential element in maintaining good mental health. Self-care can take many forms, depending on your preferences. You could take a warm bath, go for a walk in nature, listen to your favorite music, or try something creative like painting or writing.

Mindfulness is a technique that has become increasingly popular for its ability to reduce anxiety and stress. It involves being present in the moment and focusing on your breath. This technique can help you stay calm and centered even in the midst of life's challenges.

Online resources and apps can also be a great source of support for mental health. Headspace, Talkspace, and BetterHelp are just a few examples of the many online resources that are available to help you manage your mental health.

Remember, taking care of our mental health is just as important as taking care of our physical health. We must make it a priority to care for ourselves and each other, especially during these challenging times. By practicing self-care, seeking help when needed, and utilizing the many resources available, we can all work towards a healthier and happier future.

[bonfire-at-the-crossroads]

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

(That is actually the name of the water-dispensing machine…)

Im going to take a shot at what ever-da-fuck-it-was that put me in the hospital yesterday afternoon. It’s possibly one of the weirdest events of an already weird life - but here goes.

Begin at the beginning. Many years ago I had a rough patch with pneumonia that just wouldn’t give up. Several rounds of antibiotics, and it still clung on. I was prescribed BIAXIN, another antibiotic which when I took the first pill - I had no problems. The SECOND pill?

Long story short - slurred speech, hallucinations (I watched things crawl in and out of the hospital ceiling tiles which I hadn’t seen since the ‘60’s, if you get my drift) and I spent the night out of my head, while the doctors tried to figure out WHY. Apparently in extremely rare cases (.0001) hallucinations can be a side effect of the drug. I HATE being medically interesting, and rare things have occurred over my lifetime. So yeah….that happened.

I went out to clear away some of the bushes, trees, vines and brambles which have over-run the field across the road - about 11:30 yesterday morning. Gloves, goggles, clippers and saw - I waded into the worst patch which is obscuring our view of the lake in the distance. I’ve done this quite a few times over the years, and it is fierce shit that just simply never stops growing.

I get scratched up from thorns, branches whack me in the face, brambles and moss from the eternally soggy ground - it’s an immersive experience.every time.

THIS time?

I was working away, and my mind drifted along as it usually does - but it became increasingly difficult to concentrate. I was distracted by random thoughts, peculiar impressions, and became aware of people I couldn’t quite see, off to my left. Another dimension? They were just out of sight, but there seemed to be another world that I could ALMOST see out of my peripheral vision. They were RIGHT THERE, with light and thought and intent - like a door I could turn and walk through.

I thought it was weird, but maybe I just needed to focus on the work I was doing? Then another world opened up to my right. More people, a young man and my aunt Margie - just out of sight…(Marge has been dead for 30+ years now)

I thought that I should probably go home, and thought I had started to walk back. But found myself a few minutes later, still working along the line of boggy trees that run at the bottom of the field.

OK. THAT IS IT - I’m going back. Picked up my tools and waded back to the gate. With a lighted world of people and motion on either side of me - I came in, went to the bathroom and chewed up four aspirin. I have had embolisms in the past, and this was presenting as a possible stroke. Stared in the mirror to look for facial slumping, clenched my fists over and over to look for weakness on one side. - and NOTHING.

Time to tell Brian.

Apparently I scared the bah-jeezus out of him, apologizing and trying to describe my current predicament.

The decision is made to head to Sligo and pay a visit to Care-Docs. The ride was surreal - nothing was making sense. I was aware of the lighted dimension with the other people to my left, and random thoughts played out as if this was all tangible. Aunt Margie felt like a kind and reassuring presence off to my right - the road slid by as we dipped and turned along the winding road to find help.

Care-Docs took me in right away, and apparently I was repeating myself? Examined and questions asked - we got handed a letter to give to the ER at Sligo Hospital with “suspected Stroke” writ large at the top. I felt disembodied, concerned about Brian having to deal with this crazy situation, and off we went.

Admitted into the mysteries of the back rooms lined with folks in various stages of pain, despair and disability laid out on gurneys along both sides of the hallways - we were shown to our own gurney to wait for further instructions.

A port was inserted into my left arm, a wrist band with my name was glued around my right. We waited. I tried to stop seeing the lights to my left, and to try and close the door to that “other reality” - as it seemed to be making everybody nervous. Things were very odd. I sat on the edge of the trolley and tried to separate the visions into where I AM - away from WHAT I WAS SEEING.

I kept being reminded of the BIAXIN incident - as I have suffered hallucinations a couple of times over what is now a long life - always triggered by a substance or extremely high childhood fever. Hasn’t happened often - but it WILL clear your sinuses when it does.

As time passed - I began to come home to myself. Brian said I stopped repeating stuff, and began to return. The lights on either side of me dimmed, aunt Margie went back to wherever she came from - and I began to inhabit the here-n-now.

A wonderful nurse brought Bri a cup of tea and chatted about whatever had brought us into this predicament…we began with “she was clearing the field of trees and bracken”

She then told us about a cottage she had inherited in Leitrim which is sadly infested with Japanese Bindweed. Toxic, fiendish stuff….

And suddenly - things sort of fell together. Did I somehow or other come in contact with some sort of spores? Some toxic leaves from something growing out there in the bog? I am quite scratched up through my leggings and along my wrists where my gloves and shirt cuff gapped…? Did I breath in something hallucinatory?! I was in it up to my eyebrows - hacking away as you do, when I became aware of other people and the light from a different reality. I THOUGHT I was heading back home, only to find myself a bit later on - still working at the bottom of the field - when my aunt Margie showed up.

Jeezus H CHRIST.

I came back to myself slowly throughout the day. The doors closed, the people went back to wherever they came from - and I passed all of my x-Ray, pee-in-a-cup, neurological tests with flying colors. I had the unique experience of being interviewed by a very young (and quite nervous) psychologist - who asked crazy questions and made notes on a stack of forms. Apparently hallucinations are an indicator of craziness? By the time he got around to the interview - I was back on earth and completely lucid.

I passed.

Home again, jiggedy-jigg. One for the books. I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF YESTERDAY. Losing oneself is terrifying. How folks willingly seek that sensation out with either drugs or alcohol is beyond me.

We will simply never know what happened. As a working theory? Maybe? As for now - happy to inhabit the singular reality of my own life, and hope to keep the other doors tightly locked.

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Game Review - A Summer’s End – Hong Kong 1986

Before diving into the meat of Oracle and Bone’s A Summer’s End, I want to talk about the women behind this game Tida Kietsungden, and Charissa So. So and Kietsungden have done nothing but impress me since the announcement of A Summer’s End. They have repeatedly demonstrated their immense effort and dedication to creating a beautiful and thoughtful experience. Through conversations with the studio and reading their blog entries, I gained a remarkable understanding of how this game is both a tribute to classic cinema and a love letter to the Yuri and LGBT community. Through careful research and thoughtful expression, the two women navigate and acknowledge complicated issues, including Asian LGBTQ history and Hong Kong’s delicate political situation with grace and maturity. I am in complete awe of both women and their work. However, regardless of my profound respect for these creators, I still endeavor to offer my unfiltered thoughts on the visual novel, giving praise and criticism where appropriate.

A Summer’s End – Hong Kong 1986 is a Yuri visual novel set, as you may have figured out, in Hong Kong in the year 1986. The game follows a young office worker, Michelle (Fong Ha) Cheung, who has a chance encounter with a free-spirited woman named Sam (Ka Yan) Wong. Both women feel drawn to each other, and the game explores this mutual attraction and the budding relationship which emerges from it.

This plot follows the standard girl meets girl story that has permeated the Yuri genre for the past several decades. Like most Yuri stories, the older and more experienced woman, Sam, is rebellious and beautiful, with long dark hair and a dominating persona. Michelle, although far more naive in the ways of love, breaks the trend of this trope by being the more sullen of the two. I would have liked to see the game diverge a bit more from the standard story of the genre. Fortunately, A Summer’s End is a romance story between adults who do not work together, setting it apart from the norms. It even includes a coming out section that creates a more robust LGBT identity than any tale of temporary schoolgirl love.

The story is well put together and well presented. The story is told primarily from Michelle’s perspective. It mostly takes place over a few days, during which Michelle engages in a whirlwind romance with Sam. This story features the struggle between her feelings and passion and her devotion to tradition and her mother. The progression of her affection is unrealistically fast. The story feels a bit rushed, and many of the societal and personal quagmires the game stumbles upon are not sufficiently developed or confronted. Had the game indulged in a more prolonged and tumultuous struggle for Michelle, conclusions would have felt much sweeter, and the story would have gone from good to great.

Even with this massive missed opportunity, there are plenty of exemplary moments and aspects of the narrative. The game pulls no punches addressing Michelle’s slightly overbearing mother and the conflict between the two. It would have been incredibly simple to take the easy route on this one. Still, the developers stuck to their guns and manage to explore a challenging situation satisfyingly, all while keeping the characters realistic and sympathetic. In fact, every scene relating to LGBT rights and history is flawlessly executed.

There are also some fantastic chapters, including a thrilling but refreshing bike ride and a flashback scene that recontextualizes certain events from another perspective. The many references and allusions to classic cinema including some older lesbian films and plenty of Asian works, are particularly noteworthy. However, the best part of A Summer’s End by far is the setting.

The location and time period is intrinsic to Sam and Michelle’s tale, as it is shaped by and reflects contemporary culture and LGBTQ rights. Oracle and Bone create a vibrant and lively world, a jaw-dropping depiction of Hong Kong in the 1980s. Everything helps feed into the creation of this world, including a fantastic and retro UI, small touches such as a Cantonese subway announcement, and objects encountered like a disposable camera help convey a strong sense of the period. However, the soundtrack sells it more than any other element, save perhaps the artwork, transporting the player to the era. While a few tracks are the standard easy listening affairs one expects from visual novels, there are tons of excellent city pop and disco beats, complete with plenty of synths and confidence! Finally, a visual novel soundtrack that contributes more than just background noise!

Sadly, the game’s dialogue choice system and branching paths are far more of a hindrance than a help. I can honestly say that the game would play better and be way more enjoyable as a kinetic novel. Most choices feel inconsequential, changing nothing of the story and resulting in almost the exact same response from other characters yet, they have a hidden points system. If you do not earn enough points, parts of the optional adult content will be unplayable until one goes back to find the right choice. I spent several hours replaying, and eventually skipping through, the game to unlock all the scenes, and finally gave up with one CG left unseen. The only choice with any actual effect is painfully evident in its consequences. One option leads to the bad ending, which is well written, but no reasonable player would go down that path unless they just wanted to see the whole game. The second unveils the true good ending, which no player in their right mind would not pursue, as again, the choice is obvious and adds nothing to the game. There is no reason to put in an alternative ending or tedious dialogue choice.

The characters in A Summer’s End are well constructed. Sam is adventurous without being obnoxious and has a mature though appropriately unrefined demeanor. Michelle is extremely curt and somewhat distant, although she displays a sharp wit and more timid nature on occasion. Both women participate in engaging, deep, and thoughtful discussions, often with each other, although sometimes internally, and thus feel well developed and complex. Unfortunately, their chemistry, while not absent, is not enough to sell the whirlwind romance. There is insufficient expression of their feelings and attractions, both internally or through dialogue and actions, so their inevitable closeness feels unearned.

However, even in the short game, both characters change with each other, especially Michelle, as she becomes more affectionate, confident, and caring. She begins to embody some of Sam’s warmness while never losing herself. Some of my favorite dialogue and interaction came from her towards the end of the game, although I will not spoil it. Additionally, side characters have a strong presence thanks to their firmly established characteristics and a profound effect on the narrative. Each has their own sprite and mannerisms, helping cement them as fixtures in A Summer’s End rather than tacked on assets.

The visual novel contains optional adult content, which is installed in an extra patch and can be toggled on and off. I played through the game with and without it and can happily report that the story is just as fulfilling and complete without it. Although the unlockable nature of these scenes is aggravating, they are very well written and sensual without being exploitative. There were moments I did not care for as much, such as Sam getting carried away at one point, but it felt very realistic and incredibly sensual. The artwork in these sexual encounters is some of the best in the game, embracing darker colors and showcasing intense desire.

Speaking of the artwork, it is stupendous. The game is bright and striking, with amazing backgrounds complete with luminous neon signs, glaring televisions, and life and activity oozing from every corner. The backgrounds are so beautiful and detailed they could effectively serve in place of CG art, although there is plenty of that asides. The character models and designs are similarly excellent, with expressive poses and faces. The various outfits, of which the game has many, embody iconic 80’s fashion. Artist Tida Kietsungden draws both the characters and CGs with a distinctive hand-drawn style, which allows them to play well off each other and add to the beautiful presentation. The detail and care that went into the aesthetics are enormous and elevate the game at every moment. 

A Summer’s End – Hong Kong 1986 is a vibrant and intimate experience. The fantastic setting and flawless artwork surround a compelling and thoughtful story about lesbian love and desire, societal expectations, and the bonds between family and lovers. It is rough around the edges, with a slightly rushed story that leaves little time to wallow in complexity and an awful dialogue system. However, it will win players over with its striking presentation and sophisticated subject matter. I look forward to more from this studio and highly recommend you check this game out!

Ratings: Story ��� 7 Characters – 6 Art – 10 Music – 8 LGBTQ – 8 Sexual Content – 3 (8 with patch) Final – 7

Purchase A Summer’s End on Steam and itch.io, available April 23

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[memes-in-a-half-shell]

Personalities

Guess I’ve never really did one post like this one, but I wanted to list out how I envision the guys to be like, generally. My creativity has been going down the drain lately, so hopefully that’ll boost me up a bit !

-- Leo --

Leo gives out that tough, serious vibe, mostly because he’s the leader and wants to show that he’s in control.

...

But in general, that dude does like to laugh and have some fun!

Don’t worry though, he knows when he has to be serious!!!! ... At some points he just has to relax, you know?

A Man of Culture ™ , he owns some bonsai trees and loves to meditate so he can have a clearer mind. Tranquility is his way to recharge his batteries (yes, I do see him as an ambivert, with a strong introvert side).

 A comic books fan, shares that passion with Mikey! He’s more of a Marvel fan, personally - some of his favorites are Spider-Man, Black Panther, Captain America, and probably a bunch of others).

Anger and strong emotions can hinder his leading choices. Anxiety rises in him, which can cloud his thoughts, but he’s working hard on that (and he’s kinda good at hiding his panic, generally).

Even if he doesn’t say it often - he does love spending time with his brothers! Watching basketball matches is definitely a must for those four.

A Leo in love is a smiling Leo. A true gentleman, he can turn into quite the passionate lover when alone with his s/o. He’s not much a fan of PDA, but his s/o shouldn’t worry much about that as the affection is multiplied tenfold later on.

Actually has a good singing voice, but he would prefer to die than to let people know.

Values Splinter’s opinion highly and often goes to him for guidance about many things - mostly regarding his leadership.

It’s a bit hard for him to let new people enter his life, since he’s scared for his family to be discovered and out in the open by any means possible, but he’s slowly starting to trust his instincts and his brothers’, knowing when it’s safe to let certain people in their world or not.

He’s an avid reader. Has a preference for classic litterature, but also enjoys horror, crime stories, and a bit of romance (if he really feels like it).

-- Raph --

Sir Raph bitchinson is in DAH HOUSE.

He’s not afraid to speak up and call out anything wrong in this household.

He and Donnie love to gossip and bitch around - you can’t change my mind. But they do that in secret though (wouldn’t want to hurt people with their judgements!!!)

Can be pretty much eloquent, when given the chance. He’s more street smart than book smart, but all knowledge is good knowledge.

He always likes to come up with some challenges for himself and his bros. Some sort of “friendly” competition amongst them, just to spice things up. He does consult Splinter sometimes to see what could be done in order to train certain skills.

Raph has a lot of love to give, but doesn’t like to show it plainly. He’s gotta show that big buff strong man attitude !!!!!!!!!! ... But he does have a big heart.

He and Mikey definitely do some music on the side - which has sparked the hilarious idea of a Hip Hop Christmas album. ... Mikey does call himself “MC Mikey”, but Raph is a better rapper.

Suprisingly good with arts and crafts (ex: woodcarving, knitting). Patience, precision, and carefulness are skills he has to work on often.

Training and lifting weights are his prefered ways to think back and analyze various things. That’s why when he’s angry, he goes out to train. It gives him the opportunity to calm down (somehow) and review the situation.

Even though his arguments with Leo can turn quite bitter, he knows he’d miss them if they were to stop. Butting heads with the leader is what brings them together (some would argue it’s not a healthy relation, but both are strong headed so it’s just always gonna be like that, you know~)

-- Donnie --

You know that shy, awkward, nerd stereotype? Throw that out the window, please.

Donnie sure is quiet when he first meets new people, but that’s only so he can observe them better and get to know how to interact with them better.

Once he’s starting to grow more comfortable, he’s probably one of the chillest dude you could hang out with.

Sure, sometimes he’ll start blabbering about his projects and throw out some complex terms, but that’s just because he’s always happy to include people into his things (IF the project is going well, that is...)

A patient teacher. Yes sometimes it’s tiring having to explain whenever he says a big word, but he doesn’t mind overall explaining and bringing forth new knowledge to those who seek it.

He’s not one to flaunt his intellect. He is not above anyone and he understands that not everyone has the same passions as him. Everybody can learn something new everyday - himself included.

Has a good sense of humor, mostly sarcastic. Is always up to doing some pranks around the lair with Mikey.

Donnie’s anger management could be described as “the calm before the storm”. He usually has a good control over his emotions, but if they ever get to explode, he can be quite ... “sharp”. He doesn’t hold his words and can be a bit judgemental when angry - but he’s quick to rectify the situation and apologize. Overall, when he’s facing a situation that displeases him, he is silent  and thoughtful. ... A lot goes on in his mind.

When in love, Donnie’s heart is soft and he’s a big romantic/cheesy dork. He’s often caught gazing at his s/o, with a smile on his face. He’s not afraid to lay his feelings in the open and doesn’t mind some PDA, but when he and his s/o are alone together, you can say it gets cranked up a bit ;)

Listens to various music genres. Has a preference for 80′s-90′s rock, jazz, and various types of electronic music.

Sometimes does some remote tech support jobs on the side so he and his family can have some money to spend.

Loves to play videogames! The first one he ever completed was Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo (hence why he has a SNES controller with his gear - an object filled with good memories!).

The self proclaimed “handyman” of the lair. He loves tinkering around and find ways to upgrade simple things in the house. He’s always up for a good challenge! (May or may not have a suggestion box for his bros and his dad to drop ideas once in a while <__< !!!)

-- Mikey --

Searching for a litteral ray of sunshine? Look no further; Mikey is here.

For him, finding joy and positivity in anything is a must - at least, most of the time.

He knows his family is not of the ordinary kind with a normal house, but that doesn’t mean things have to be grim and miserable!

This mindset does come at a price though. It does happen for Mikey to have his morale drop considerably low, but in those moments he knows he has his family to support him and make him feel better.

In return he is extremely supportive of anything his family does and will always encourage them when they’re going through a rough patch.

He and Raph love to collect various human items. Mikey has a tendency to go for art related items, which sparked his interest in arts (painting, spray cans/graffiti, drawing).

He also developped an interest in cooking.

Both skills are well received by his bros and he loves to teach them some tricks here and there, along with providing creative inputs to anything (mostly Donnie’s projects).

He’s an empath and doesn’t mind when his brothers vent to him. He wants them to know they are heard and valued! The best medicine he can provide is humor.

He’s a big flirt. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and he’s not afraid to express his admiration.

A party needs to be organized? Leave that to him. He always come up with some cool playlists, lots of booze, various activities, and a theme (if needed).

Loves to reference a lot of movie quotes, popular stuff and such. And it’s never out of place too, which can be surprisingly clever!

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone -Chapter 26

Title: Preparations

Warning:  it’s filler.  I figured we needed some cute daddy Tyler. lol

Tagging:  @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @alievans007​, @miss-smutty​, @tragiclyhip​

“When you met mumma, you guys were working together, right?”

Addie poses the question as she sits atop the kitchen island; legs swinging back and forth as they dangle over the edge, the heels of silver and gold glitter infused jelly sandals lightly thumping against the wood. She insisted on bringing one of her favourite pairs of shoes from home; arguing that she didn’t care that they were ‘out of season’ and that she would wear what she wants, when she wants, and no one could tell her otherwise. In the end they’d gone perfectly with the new ‘Christmas’ dress she’d picked out Bloomingdales; a vibrant yellow concoction with capped sleeves embellished with strips of lace, a sash around the waist that ties in an enormous bow at the back, and an elaborate tulle skirt several layers thick that shimmers in the light. Forgoing all the burgundy, emerald green, and red dresses that had lined the regular priced racks in favour of an outfit from the leftover and highly discounted summer section. It was a hill Esme hadn't been willing to die on; preferring that Addie showcase both her independence in choosing her own outfit, and being proud of her personal style and preferences. And it suits her; as bright and adorable as her personality with just enough ‘no fucks given’ sprinkled on for good measure.

While tiny and seemingly fragile, she can be extremely assertive and adverse to any form of compromise; tenacious to a fault and digging her heels in and sticking to her guns when she feels she’s one hundred right about her stance. Even if there’s mountains of proof to show that she is, in fact, completely wrong. Someone so stubborn and feisty lingering inside that cute, wee package; able to hold her own while out playing with her older siblings and not afraid to get a bloody nose or a fat lip or a black eye. And not deterred in the slightest when she DOES get injured; right back to what she was doing only hours after getting stitches or a cast removed. Not shying away from climbing trees or splashing in mud puddles or helping muck out the goats stalls while wearing clunky rubber boots paired with a Disney princess dress. Very much like her older sister had been at that age; enjoying being physical and active and playing sports and rough housing one minute, then showcasing her more ‘girly side’ the next. Loving trips to the salon with mummy for manis and pedis; enjoying picking her own shade of polish and then getting to sip orange juice from a champagne glass while getting a facial and her hair trimmed. Collecting dolls along with various rocks and shells and beach glass. Superhero figures taking up residence on her bedroom shelves right alongside stuffies of her favourite animals -koalas, sloths, and kangaroos currently at the top of the list- and snow globes from different parts of the world. Her closet filled with not only frilly dresses and sparkly leggings and colourful sweaters emblazoned with unicorns and french bulldogs and flamingos, but old hand me downs from her brothers; ripped and faded jeans and tattered t-shirts and board shorts.

“Right,” Tyler confirms, as he tends to running a brush through her waist length hair; damp from misting it down with a spray bottle in order to easier part it into sections.

It’s a far cry from his old life; his beaten and busted up hands with their multitude of scars and calluses once used to being soaked in blood and caked with dirt. Large and weathered with misshapen knuckles, they’d long ago gotten accustomed to hard, manual labour and the brutality that he’d had to inflict on others; fists that pummelled bodies and faces and fingers that pulled triggers and wrapped around throats and choked the life out of combatants. And while they still get caked in mud from working around the house and they’re still entrusted to load magazines and are capable of taking a gun apart in thirteen seconds flat, they’ve morphed into other uses. Beginning with diapering babies and tending to the impossibly tiny snaps on jumpers, buttons on little sweaters, and zippers on sleepers. Moving on to tying kid sized shoe laces and cleaning and patching up skinned knees and elbows. Advancing to far more difficult hair styling techniques than the simple ponytails he’d began affixing on Millie when she was a toddler; various styles of braids adorned with ribbons, and snapping barrettes and clamping clips into place.

Being a girl dad is unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. The six short years -despite the little time he’d actually been home- he’d spent with Austin had prepared him for raising boys. His son, when healthy, had been extremely active and fearless and full of curiosity and energy; getting as messy and as dirty as possible and loving every second of it. Obsessed with superheroes and sports and always clad in clothing that displayed his favourites; football jerseys and baseball caps and sweats emblazoned with Superman or Batman logos. He had been terrified twelve years ago when the news had come in that Millie was in fact going to be a girl; not only envisioning frilly dresses and a closet full of pink and those ridiculous headbands parents insist on putting on their infants, but thinking back to his own treatment of women. The days when he’d used them for nothing more than sex; random strangers picked up in bars or that he’d meet on the street in whatever city a job sent him to. A failed marriage; putting more of a priority on the military than he did on treating his wife properly. And all he could think about was how having a daughter was somehow a punishment for the bad shit he’d done. A little girl that he’d have to protect from guys like him.

It was hard to get used to; big fingers having to master putting in tiny earrings and tending to impossibly small zippers and buttons , getting comfortable with the amount of pink and purple in their rooms and closets. Eventually graduating into attending tea parties and playing with Barbies and helping make crafts; getting used to paint on his palms and between his fingers and glitter stuck under his nails and in his hair and beard. Determined to be a hands-on father even if its activities are way outside of his comfort zone; gymnastic meets and dance recitals as opposed to lacrosse matches and football games. Being a girl dad isn’t for the weak; having to worry about your little girls’ hearts being broken and if the guys they pick will treat them right and if they themselves will make smart and responsible choices as teenagers. And the hormones; the up and down emotions and the drastic switch from bitchy to overly sensitive. Having a wife go through it once a month is enough. never mind the thought of three other girls. The worry of how he’ll handle not only the emergence of puberty, but if all four female ‘clocks’ decide to sync up. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to handle THAT; all the women in his life going through the cramps and the moodiness and the demands to be coddled and babied one minute and left the fuck alone the next.

“Does that mean mummy beat up and killed bad guys too?”

“No. She never did any of that stuff. That was my job, not hers.”

“What did she do?”

“She tracked down the bad guys. And where they were doing mean things to good people. Then she told me...or guys like me...where they were so we could go and take care of things.”

“So you could go and kill them?”

“You don’t always have to kill people. Sometimes it’s enough to just rough them up a bit.”

“And other times they fight back and try to hurt you and you have to hurt them first?”

“Pretty much.”

“Have you killed a lot of people?”

“Not that many," he lies. It's actually a staggering amount; the death toll -from his hand alone- in Dhaka putting the count well over three hundred.

“How many is ‘not that many'?’”

“I don’t know, Peanut. I’ve never kept track.”

“But you’ve helped more people than you’ve hurt. That’s what mummy said when I asked if it was true. If Tyler was lying when he told me you kill people for a living.”

“That’s a while ago. That you asked mummy that.”

“I was three. That’s a whole two years ago. But sometimes I think about it. Especially when you go away. I think about you having to kill people.”

“And what do you think WHEN you think about that? About what I sometimes have to do?”

“I dunno know,” Addie shrugs, and then lifts the spray bottle clutched in both hands and holds it towards her face; giggling when she pulls the trigger and catches some of the mist in her mouth.

“Does it bother you? When you think about it? That I’ve killed people? That sometimes I still have to?”

“Why would it bother me?”

“Kind of a hard thing to hear, don’t you think? That daddy has to do stuff like that?”

“It’s your job. It’s what you do. You have to hurt people to save other people. And sometimes, if they try and hurt you first, you have to kill them. Because if you didn’t, they might kill you and then you never come home and we never get to see you again. It’s not THAT hard to hear. I’d rather you kill someone and come home than never see you again.”

“You know,” he plucks the spray bottle from her hands and dampens a section of hair. “You’re pretty smart for only five.”

“Smart like mummy.”

He leans in to press a kiss to her cheek. “Cute like her too.”

“Are you going to get in trouble? For killing people?”

“Who would I get in trouble with?”

“God. Isn’t that one of the things we’re not supposed to do? Kill people?”

“How do you know about that? We don’t talk about that stuff at home.”

“I hear things. At school. Some of the older kids talking. Are you? Going to get in trouble? For killing people?”

“Probably,” he admits. “I’m sure I’ll face some kind of judgement for it. When my time comes.”

“But wouldn’t it be okay ‘cause you only kill bad people? That were hurting good people? Wouldn’t that be allowed? And if you had to kill someone so you could come home to us, wouldn’t that be okay too?”

“I don’t know,” he snags a yellow cloth ribbon off the island and begins braiding a section of hair around it. “I’ve never thought that far ahead about things.”

“It would suck if you got in trouble for helping people. That wouldn’t be fair at all. If you got sent to hell for doing stuff like that. I mean, you were doing something GOOD. You weren’t doing something bad. You HAD to kill evil people to help good people. And to make sure you come home to mummy and us kids. I can’t see you getting in trouble for something like THAT.”

“Doesn’t make much sense to me either. But not a lot does anymore.”

“I’ll be really mad if you get in trouble and sent somewhere different than me. I don’t want us to be in two separate places. I want us to be together. All of us. You and mummy and all us kids. I don’t want us to all be separated. Well, maybe Millie could be. Because she’s mean to me. All the time.”

“Millie is going through some stuff. She’s going to be a teenager soon. A lot of drama leading up to THAT.”

“She says I’m annoying. That she used to really like me when I was a baby and couldn’t do anything. But now I can do lots of stuff and I can talk and she says that pisses her off. That I’m a bratty little sister.”

“You are NOT bratty.”

“Right? That’s what I said. She’s bratty if anything. Am I annoying, daddy? Don’t lie. You can tell me the truth.”

“You are not annoying. If anyone is annoying, it’s Millie.”

“I said THAT too! But she’s mean. She even threatened to cut my hair off. Shave it. Because I couldn’t find my brush and I borrowed hers and she didn’t like that. So you know what I did? While you were gone?”

“What did you do?”

“I took the tops off two Oreo cookies and I ate the middle and then I put in mayonnaise and I put the tops back on and gave them to Millie. I told her I was being a good little sister and bringing her a snack. And she put a whole one in her mouth! She almost puked!”

He can’t help but chuckle. “You actually did that?”

“Yup. It was awesome. I laughed so hard, I almost peed! But then she started chasing me around the house threatening to kill me. Mummy was screaming at her to lighten up, that it was just a joke. And then she told mummy to shut up and Tyler got mad. REALLY mad. He tackled Millie and grabbed her by the hair and pushed her face into the carpet. Then he put her in a figure four leg lock and made her cry.”

“Millie told your mom to shut up?”

“Oooops…” Addie tilts her head back to look at him, a sheepish smile curving her lips. “....I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part.”

“Who told you not to tell me? Millie?”

The five year old shakes her head.

“TJ?”

Another shake, followed by a tiny “No.”

“Addie…”

“It was mummy! She said not to tell you because you’d get pissed off and you didn’t need to. Because she took care of it right when it happened. Well, Tyler did. He was really, really, REALLY mad. She learned her lesson. I’m sure of it. He made her cry. Lots.”

“Did that happen a lot? Millie getting mouthy with your mom?”

“Not really.”

He stares pointedly down at her.

“A few times,” she reluctantly admits. “She said some things that were really mean. To mummy. And she said the F word once, too. Mixed with the B word.”

“She said that ? To your mom?”

Addie chews nervously on her bottom lip. “Yeah, she called her an f-ing B word.”

“What did mummy do?”

“She didn’t get a chance to do anything. Desi freaked out. And he’s really big and he can be really scary when he wants. Like you. Desi told her that she should never, ever talk to her mum like that. And that you’d be really mad if you found out. And that she’d rather deal with him than you. Which is true. Desi might be bigger than you, but you’re definitely tougher. I mean, he doesn’t kill people for a living. You do.”

“Things were pretty bad, huh? While I was gone.”

“A little. Millie went off the reservation. Big time. She’s lucky she’s even breathing. ‘Cause Tyler was ready to kill her. And I don’t blame him. You’re mad, aren’t you. Are you mad, daddy?”

“A bit.”

“You know how I can tell? That you’re mad? Your neck moves. Right here,” she reaches up to press to fingertips against the side of his throat. “Where the bad guy shot you a long time ago.”

“How did you know about that?”

“Mummy told me. I asked her how you got that scar. She said that a long time ago, her and Ovi were in trouble and you had to get them out of a really bad place. And then you made sure they were safe and sound, but a bad guy shot you. In the neck. And that’s why you have the scar there.”

“Did that scare you? Hearing that?”

“A little, I guess. I mean, you could have died, right?”

“I could have, yeah.”

“And then you and mummy never would have gotten married. And had kids. Millie would be the only one to exist. None of us would. So yeah, that part scared me a bit; that the bad guy could have killed and none of us ever would have been born. Did you kill him?”

“Eventually.”

“Mummy said she stayed with you. After it happened. And that she went back to Australia with you and that’s how she ended up there. It’s where you guys got married. And had Millie and me and Kota and Brookie. That we were the ones born there. So we’re REAL Australians, like you. Everyone else is American.”

“Everyone else WAS American. You’re all Australian now.”

“How does that work?”

“A lot of papers you have to fill out. To become a citizen. But you all are. Mummy and I made sure of it.”

“Is mummy an Australian too?”

“By marriage, yeah.”

“It’s a good thing she married you. You’re a lucky guy, daddy. That someone like mummy fell in love with you.”

“I am,” he confirms. “Very lucky. She’s a pretty good mummy, huh?”

“She’s the best mummy EVER. If we could pick our mummies, I’d pick her. Because she’s nice and she gives good cuddles and kisses and she tells the best silly jokes. And she’s super smart and really cute too. And little! Like me!”

“That’s where you get from. Being so cute and wee. You’re just like your mumma.”

Her eyes sparkle as she smiles broadly up at him; the corners and the bridge of her nose crinkle. “And that’s a good thing, yeah?”

“A very good thing,” Dropping a kiss on her forehead, he brushes the tip of his nose against hers; smiling at the way she throws her head back and giggles.

He’s seen her mother do that exact movement and expression a number of times; excitement while on the rides at Disney World with the kids, when she’s had one too many glasses of wine and even his terrible ‘dad jokes’ are suddenly hilarious, when they’ve been on one of their ‘mommy and daddy’ vacations and she’s gotten up the guts to try something new and exciting; emboldened by his encouragement and forever feeling safe and secure as long as he’s by her side. So much of Esme in the tiny little girl in front of him; tenacious and ferociously intelligent and loving deeply and fearlessly. Knowing the darkness and the horrors that exist in the world but not allowing herself to be tarnished by it; always finding ways to smile and laugh and find the beauty in every day.

“What do you think mummy would have done if she didn’t do the job she did?” Addie inquires, when she finally drops her head back down and he’s able to return to tending her hair.

“I don’t know. Teach? Be a nurse? Maybe a doctor?”

“How would you have met her? If she didn’t do her old job?”

“Maybe I would have met her on the beach. In Australia. Maybe she would have come there on a vacation.”

“Maybe. Or maybe you would have gone to where she used to live. In Chicago.”

“She used to live in Colorado. That’s where she was born and where she grew up. Chicago is a totally different place.”

“She used to live by the mountains. When I was in her tummy, you guys lived on a hobby farm. And you had goats and chickens. Mummy says we still own that house.”

“Yup, we do. We rent it out.”

“Can we go there one day? I’d like to see it. I’d like to see where you guys were living when I was in mummy’s belly. Is that where I was made?”

“We’re pretty sure that’s where it happened. Not many other places it could have been.”

“Maybe we can go and visit. And I can see where I was made. That would be fun. I want to see the mountains.”

“Maybe one day.” He finishes up the first braided pigtail, securing it with an impossibly small elastic before turning his attention to the other section of hair.

“If you met mummy a different way, would you have still liked her? Would you have still fallen in love with her?”

“Yup. Why wouldn’t have I? She still would have been mummy. She still would have been the same person. Still would have been the most beautiful girl ever.”

“Do you think she still would have fallen in love with you?”

“I sure as hell hope so. Would sure suck if she didn’t. Your mumma is pretty special, Peanut. She’s the love of my life. Took me until I was thirty five to meet her.”

“You were married before, though. To Austin's mom. You didn’t love her?”

“I did. But not in the way I love your mum. Your mum? That’s who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Grow really, really, REALLY old with. It’s a whole other kind of love. And you know what? It’s not easy to explain. You just know what you feel.”

“Imagine if things were opposite? If you went to Colorado and met mummy instead of her meeting you in Australia and working with you? And then you would have stayed there; where the snow and the mountains are instead of the beach and the ocean. How come you moved? Why didn’t you guys stay? Where the mountains are?”

“Things changed. We weren’t happy there anymore. We needed to get away. Go back to the place where we were the happiest.”

“In Australia?”

“Yup.”

“That’s where I’m happiest too. I love it there. I love how warm it is; the sun and the sand and the water. I like the sound it makes; listening to it when I’m trying to fall asleep. And I like how the beach feels; between my toes and when I let it run through my fingers. And I love my room and my toys and my school and my friends and all the goats and our pigs and our chickens. And Charlie. I love him the most. I love making him peanut butter sandwiches. I’d miss him the most. If we had to leave. We won’t have to leave will we, daddy?”

“I don’t see why we would have to.”

“I don’t ever want to leave Australia. It’s perfect there. It’s where I was born. And where you were born too. We have that in common. We were BOTH born there.”

“Yeah…” he grins, and presses a kiss to the back of her head. “...we were.”

“I mean, we have other stuff in common too. Because you’re my dad and that means you helped make me so that means half of me is half of you. The other half is from mummy. And we both love surfing. And animals. And Vegemite. I LOVE Vegemite. It’s sooooo good.”

“Speaking of Vegemite, was it you that left the Vegemite and Nutella sandwich for Santa?”

Addie giggles. “Maybe…”

“Why would you ever put the two of those together?”

“Tyler made it for his school lunch once and he let me try a bit and it was really good! So I thought Santa might like to try it. Part American, part Australian.”

“You know, that’s pretty genius. And it worked. I tried a bit and it wasn’t bad.”

“Right?! You wouldn’t think it would work, but it does. Somehow. Kind of like you and mummy.”

“What’s THAT supposed to mean?”

“You and mummy are so different. You’re really tall and big and she’s really short and small. Like, you know how mummy is a morning person? She’s always really cheerful and smiley? And you’re not? You’re moody and miserable. A total grump face! And you don’t like to talk until you’ve had your first coffee. With three shots of espresso in it.”

“You notice all that stuff?”

“I notice everything. Mummy says I’m very observant. And that I have really good instincts. Like you. She says ‘cause my tummy tells me if something is right or wrong. And yours does too. You know how else you and mummy are different?”

“How?”

“Mummy talks to everyone! She’s very talky talky. A chatterbox.”

“Geez,” Tyler grins, and tugs playfully at the completed pigtail. “I wonder who ELSE is a chatterbox?”

“She’s a social butterfly. She makes friends everywhere she goes. People like her. Because she’s so bubbly and cute and she makes peoples hearts feel warm because she’s so nice to them. You’re more serious. You don’t talk a lot. At least not to people you don’t know. People are scared of you sometimes. Because how big you are and because you got all the drawings on you and the scars and stuff. They think you’re mean. ‘Cause of all that.”

“And what do you think?”

“I think you’re just daddy. I KNOW you’re not mean. I KNOW you’re a nice guy. I KNOW you give awesome hugs; your arms are big but they feel nice and they wrap all the way around me! If people really paid attention, they’d see that you’re nice. You have soft eyes. They’re blue and they’re pretty and they’re kind. Especially when you smile and they go all crinkly. If people really gave you a chance, they’d see you’re not scary at all. You’re only like that if you HAVE to be. If bad people are near mummy or us kids.”

“Are you ever scared of me?” It’s a recurring thought; if his children ever pick up on the worry and the tension and the fear that comes with his issues. It’s a feat some days; forcing himself out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other. Wanting nothing more than to stay under the covers and surrender to the exhaustion that comes with doing battle with his own mind every day. But his family is his number one priority, whether it’s a good day or a horrible one. And he’ll ‘fake it until he makes it’ as long as his children and his wife know that they’re loved; provided and cared for and made to feel safe and protected.

“Why would I be? Why would I be scared of my daddy?”

“Well, you know what I do for a living. You know what I’ve had to do to people. Does that scare you?”

“Nope. Because that’s just your job. It’s not who you are. When you come home, you’re just daddy. You take us bike riding and hiking and swimming and surfing. And you help us find rocks and shells and you let me sit on your shoulders when we walk on the beach or go into town. And we take naps. On the hammock. I love our naps on the hammock.”

He smiles. “So do I.”

“Sometimes I get a little worried. When you get upset. Or you and mummy argue. I don’t like when you guys argue. I always worry that you’ll hate each other. That you’ll get a divorce. And then you won’t live with us. It makes me sad when I think about that.”

“You don’t need to be sad, Peanut. That’s never going to happen. I’m never going to go and live somewhere else. I’m going to stay right where I am; with you guys and your mumma. And just because we argue? That doesn’t mean we’re going to hate each other. I could NEVER hate your mum. And I’m pretty sure she’d say the same thing about me. We love each other. Very much. Divorce is NOT something you need to think about. But do I ever scare you? Have I ever?”

“I don’t have a reason to be scared of you. Because you love me. You’d never hurt me. I never worry about that. Not even when you yell and your voice gets REALLY loud. I know you’d never do anything mean to me. Just to bad people. And I’m not a person. I’m a GOOD person.”

“You definitely are. You’re a VERY good person. An amazing little person.”

She smiles. “Like mummy.”

“Just like her. More than even I ever realized.”

******

“Addie…” TJ singsongs as he saunters into the kitchen, both hands tucked behind his back. “...what are you doing?”

“Tyler!” She cheerfully greets, and excitedly waves to him with both hands. Her entire face lighting up at the sight of her second favourite male in the house

She’s become extremely close to her oldest brother during her five years on earth; idolizing him and turning to him for help and comfort when daddy is either caught up with one of the other kids, tending to work related matters, or out of the house -and sometimes even the country- all together. And TJ dotes on her in return. Spoiling her and babying her ever since she was an infant and he was always more than willing to help change her diapers and give her feedings. In awe of how tiny she was and how she’d look up at him with so much adoration. He’s the quintessential older brother; patient and loving and ready to kick anyone’s ass that dares messes with her.

“Look at my dress! It’s the one I picked out when I went shopping for mommy. That I kept a secret. Isn’t it awesome?”

“Awesome just like you. It’s really pretty, Ads. Your favourite colour too!”

“Yup! Mummy bought it for me. She said it’s perfect for me. For my personality. It reminds me of Belle’s dress. From Beauty and the Beast.”

“Looks a little like it, I guess. But you know what? It’s even prettier. And you’re more beautiful than Belle. WAY more beautiful.”

“Really?” she gasps, and a noticeable blush creeps into her cheeks, spreading all the way to the tips of her ears. “You really think so?”

“I REALLY think so. Belle has nothing on you. You’re the prettiest princess EVER. Way prettier than ANY of them.”

“Oh goodness!” She clamps both hands over her mouth in embarrassment, then giggles into them. “Like mumma? Just as pretty as her? Mumma is the prettiest EVER.”

“Just a smaller version of her.” TJ leans in close and presses the tip of his nose against hers. “Guess what I have? What you forgot in my room?”

“Adeline!” she cries, when he reveals the item he’d been keeping behind his back. And she snags the doll from him and showers its head and face with kisses as she clutches it tightly to her chest. “Adeline! I’m sorry I forgot you! I didn’t mean to!”

“I kept her safe for you,” TJ says. “So Declan wouldn’t grab her. You know how he likes to get a hold of dolls and torture them. I didn’t want him getting her. She’s way too pretty and I know how much you love her.”

“He’s mean to my dolls! He’s always taking their heads off and putting their arms where their legs should be and crazy shit like that.”

“Hey,” Tyler frowns, and tugs on the half braided pigtail. “What did I say?”

“No bad language. Especially on Christmas Day. I can’t help it though; sometimes it just slips out. If you didn’t swear so much around us kids…”

“That’s it. Throw me under the bus.”

“You swear A LOT, daddy. Especially in the car. When other people don’t drive fast enough or use their blinkers. If mummy knew exactly how much you DO swear around us, she’d be mad. REALLY mad.”

“Your mum has a worse mouth than I do.”

“As if!” Addie scoffs, and he can’t help but smile; easily hearing Esme’s voice and picturing the expression on her face; the corner up her mouth and her nose scrunched up in disgust, eyes slightly narrowed. “Thank you, Tyler!” She curls an arm around her brother’s neck, squeezing as tight as she can. “You’re the best! Thank you for keeping her safe from the Ginger. You’re the best brother EVER! I only trust you with her. And daddy. That’s it. You guys are big and strong and will keep her safe no matter what.”

“What the hell are you wearing?” He addresses his son as the latter moves to the fridge, pausing in the braiding of Addie’s hair to survey TJ’s wardrobe a pair of ill fitting and impossibly baggy jeans, an enormous untucked dress shirt with its sleeves rolled to his elbows, and a loose pink, purple, and grey striped tie.

“Your pants. And one of your shirts.” TJ reaches into the fridge and grabs a carton of chocolate milk and a jug of white. Closing the door with his hip and carrying them to the counter by the sink; pouring a mix of both into a plastic tumblr retrieved from the dish rack and then snagging two straws from the cupboard. “Mum told me to. She said none of my clothes were good enough for Christmas dinner. All my jeans have holes in them and all t-shirts have to do with surfing. We’ve never had to dress up for Christmas dinner before. Why do we have to start now?”

“Your mum’s trying to make things perfect. To avoid drama. With your grandmother.”

“Too late. Grandma brings drama with her. And drops it on everyone else.” He drags a bar stool across the floor and places it in front of his little sister. “Here Ads,” he holds the cup in front of her. “A yellow straw just for you. So you don’t have to share my germs. Let me hold it; so you don’t spill anything on your dress.”

Giving a delighted squeal and a smile of appreciation, she takes a pull from the straw. “I think you look handsome, Tyler. You’re growing up. You’re going to be as big as daddy soon.”

“It’s going to be a while before I’m THAT big. But I’m going to work on it. As soon as I’m allowed, I’m going to lift heavy too and put on ALL kinds of muscle.”

“Then you can go after bad people too. And beat them up and kill them when you have to.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Tyler suggests. “Something tells me mummy might have an issue with that.”

“Why doesn’t mum just tell grandma to get lost?” TJ inquires. “It’s not like they like each other. They never have. They’ve always fought. I remember how they’d get into it at Christmas. When we were still living in Colorado. Grandma would get drunk and she’d pick fights with mum and mum would fight back and cry and then you’d go off on grandma. Is that going to happen this year? ‘Cause it’s been nice and quiet at Christmas. Do we HAVE to listen to grandma's shit?”

“What did I just tell your sister? About the language?”

“She’s five, but she’s right. It IS hard to stop and it does just come out. But do we, dad? Do we really have to put up with her?”

“It’s one night. I think you can manage. If I can grin and bear it, so can you. Suck it up.”

“If she starts in on mum about ANYTHING, I’m going to lose it. That’s my mum. No one talks to my mum like that. I almost taught Jacobi a lesson. For calling mum cute and wanting to ask her out. I’ll teach grandma a lesson too. I’m not afraid of her.”

“If anyone is going to teach her a lesson, it’s going to be me. You stay out of it. Your mum wouldn’t want you getting into it with her. You’re TEN.”

“Doesn’t matter how old I am. That’s MY mum. And no one is going to treat her bad. We’re supposed to protect her, remember? You and I.”

“You’re supposed to be a kid and stay that way as long as you can. I’M supposed to protect your mom. And I think I’ve been pretty damn good at it for the last twelve and a half years. And if your grandma starts? I’ll stop it. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Why does she hate you so much anyway? Is it still the same crap? How she’s pissed because you stole mum away from her family and moved her all the way to Australia? ‘Cause you got her pregnant before you married her?”

Addie scowls. “Who cares? Lots of people have babies and they aren’t married. And so what if mummy didn’t go back home and she stayed with daddy? She’s an adult. She can do what she wants. And she wanted to be with daddy. None of grandma’s business. I’mma tell her that too. If she starts saying mean things about daddy or mummy. I’mma tell her what for.”

“You’re not going to do a thing,” Tyler informs her. “You’re going to leave all the telling off to me, got it?”

“I don’t like her,” Addie says. “She’s not a nice person. She has a mean smile. And her eyes are empty. They don’t sparkle or anything like that. Are you sure that’s mummy’s mummy? Because when mummy smiles, her eyes sparkle. She LOOKS happy. Grandma? She just looks mean.”

“No one likes her,” TJ grumbles. “Best thing we ever did was get away from her. But IS that why, dad? Is that really why she doesn’t like you? Because she still thinks you stole mum and took her all the way to Australia?”

“It’s a few things.”

“I bet it’s the job too. I bet she really has a problem with THAT.”

“Again…” Addie huffs dramatically. “...who cares? So what if daddy kills people? They’re BAD. They deserve it. He helps good people and sometimes when he’s helping them, he has to kill the bad guys. I don’t see a problem with that. If they try and hurt him or kill him, he HAS to kill them first. So he can come home. To us. And mummy. It only makes sense.”

“If Ads can get it, ANYONE can,” TJ says. “She’s only five. What’s grandma? A hundred? If a five year old can get it…”

“Daddy makes the world a better place because he gets rid of the bad people,” Addie continues, as she takes another sip of the drink her brother offers her. “If we had less bad people, everything would be great. There’d be less wars and less people getting hurt and everyone would love one another and be happy. Daddy’s doing a good thing. By sticking up for people. Like you do. At school. You beat up the bullies when you have to. Remember the older kid that tripped me and shoved my face in the mud? Remember him? He’s in grade eight AND you kicked the crap out of me. Because he picked on me.”

“You’re my sister. It’s my job to protect you.”

“And remember that other guy? On the playground by mummy’s store? The one that pulled my hair and told me I was adopted because I’m small and I don’t look like any of you guys. You freaked out on him and made him apologize and scared him away. He’ll cross the street now if he sees you coming.”

“You can’t let bad people get away with doing bad things,” TJ reasons. “If you don’t stop them, they’ll just keep doing bad stuff.”

“Exactly! So it’s a good thing that daddy goes after the bad guys. Grandma needs to learn. And she needs to learn TODAY. You should tell her, Tyler. You should tell her off. You’re not scared of anyone.”

“Not being scared of anyone or anything is not always a good thing,” Tyler informs her. “If you’re not scared, you don’t take a situation or people seriously. That’s when you get hurt. And you know what? No matter how big of a bad ass you think you are? There’s always a bigger one out there somewhere. Believe me. I’ve learned THAT lesson the hard way.”

“The guy who shot you just got a lucky one in,” TJ reasons. “You were already hurt. You weren’t one hundred percent. Some guy had already shot you, hadn’t he? A sniper?”

“What’s a sniper?” Addie inquires. “Is it like Swipper on Dora? Something like him?”

“We don’t need to talk about that,” Tyler says. “You don’t need to know that stuff. Not until you’re older. WAY older.”

“A sniper’s a guy that hides somewhere and shoots you,” TJ replies. “Somewhere where no one sees him. It’s why they’re so dangerous. You don’t even know where they are. They just shoot you. And they kill you before you even know what happened.”

“But daddy didn’t get killed. If a sniper shot daddy, shouldn’t he be dead?”

Combing his hand through her bangs, Tyler tips his daughter’s head back. “What did I just say? About you not needing to know about this stuff?”

“I’m curious now. Tyler said they hide and shoot people and kill them. How come you didn’t die? If a sniper shot you?”

“I guess he didn’t manage to get a good shot in.”

“It was the other guy that almost killed him,” TJ says, and takes a sip of the concoction in his hand. “The one that got him in the neck. That’s when he almost died. Mum saved him.”

“How? How did mummy save daddy? Daddy…” she swivels around in her stool to face him. “...how did mummy save you? Did she shoot the bad guy back?”

“Mum stuck her fingers in his neck,” TJ says. “To stop the bleeding. Or he would have bled to death.”

Addie’s eyes widen. “She DID?”

“When you’re older, MAYBE I’ll tell you more more about it. But for now…” Tyler places his hands on her shoulders and gently turns her back around. “...you don’t need to know this stuff. And you…” he stares pointedly at his son. “...don’t talk about this around her. She doesn’t need to know about this. She’s a baby still.”

“I’m not a baby!” Addie objects. “I’m five! I can almost ride my bike without training wheels. Babies can’t do that.”

“Just don’t, alright?” He addresses TJ. “Don’t talk about this stuff around her. Because she’s going to repeat all of this and she’s going to repeat it to your mum and that won’t end well. For you OR me.”

“It happened though. I mean, it’s part of how you guys met and got together and ended up getting married and stuff. It’s your history. I don’t see why…”

“I said ENOUGH. No more. Not around her. Got it?” He’s on edge; the mere mention of Dhaka and the incidents on the bridge playing straight into the anxiety and the panic he’d felt the night before; when he’d woken up from the nightmare and been on the verge of losing control and had turned to the fentanyl for relief. And it scares him; how easy it had been to not only access the powerful med, but actually take it. He’d encountered no resistance or hesitation; remorse and guilt not setting in until the following morning when he’d woken up and it had been the first thing on his mind. It’s alarming how quick things can return; an addict’s mind and behaviour.

Nodding, TJ holds his hands up in surrender.

“You’re both going to be nice tonight,” he says, and finishes Addie’s final braid. “To grandma. Because your mum is already stressed out enough and we don’t need to make it worse for her. So if the best you can do is smile and nod, just do that. I’m not asking you to kiss her ass. I’m just asking you to be civil. Can you handle that?”

TJ nods.

“You?” He tugs on one of Addie’s pigtails. “Can you do that? Be civil?”

“Do I have to be near her? Or sit on her lap? ‘Cause I draw the line there.”

“You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Just don’t be a little asshole, alright?”

“Me? I’m Mary Freaking Sunshine, remember? That’s what Grandpa Koen calls me.”

“Well then live up to it and be nice to your grandmother. Smile until your face hurts, got it?”

“What do I get out of it?”

He smirks.

“Mummy says to always negotiate. Never settle for the first offer. Can I sleep in the big bed tonight? For being nice to grandma?”

“No.” Wrapping an arm around her waist, he lifts her off the stool; pressing a kiss to her cheek before setting her on the ground.

She turns to face him. Head cocked to the side and one hand clutching her doll, the other planted firmly on her hip. “Can I have ice cream for my bedtime snack?”

"Maybe."

“Maybe isn’t good enough.”

“You ARE just like your mom, aren’t you.”

“I’ll be nice if I can have ice cream for my bedtime snack and you snuggle with me and draw on my back for half an hour. And that’s after FOUR stories.”

“You're bossy, you know that? Two stories.”

“Three. That’s as low as I’ll go.”

“I will give you two stories, ice cream for your snack, and forty five minutes of snuggling and drawing on your back. Instead of half an hour. We got a deal?”

Her eyes narrow as she considers it; nibbling on her bottom lip and swishing her hips back and forth. “You’re good at this.”

“This isn’t my first rodeo, Peanut. I’ve dealt with tougher than you. What do you say?” He offers a hand. “Deal?”

“Deal!” she agrees, his hand easily swallowing hers as they shake on it.

Grinning, he runs a hand over the top of her head and then drops a kiss on her hair. “You really DO have a lot of your mum in you.”

“Great things come in small packages,” Addie reasons, standing on her tiptoes as he leans down and pecks her lips. “Thank you, daddy!” she chirps. “My hair looks beautiful. You always do it perfect.”

“Pretty hard not to when my subject is so cute. Good thing I married your mum, huh? So I could have a kid as cute as you?”

“You really are a lucky man!” she declares and then cheerfully skips out of the room.

“I hope grandma is on her best behaviour,” TJ says, as he finishes the drink in his hand and then slides off the stool and returns it to its place at the island. “Because if she DOES start on mum, it’s going to be a wild night. I really hope she watches her step.”

“My too, kiddo,” Tyler sighs, and reaches out to tousle his son’s hair. “Me too.”

[ozzdog12]

2020 Top 7 (and 1)

2020 am I right? We saw an insane amount of games come out and 2 brand new consoles. What a wild and weird year for gaming, and life in general. In case you are relatively new here, and to be honest that would be completely fair considering I don't post very often on Tumblr anymore, every year going on the last 4 years (on here) I have done a Top 7 (& 1) for my favorite videogames of the year. Check out 2019, 2018, & 2017. What’s wild, as I look back on my list of games that I’ve completed and played, only maybe 10 came out this year. 2020 was a huge backlog year. 

Lets get on with the ‘And 1!”

Favorite Game that Didn’t Come out in 2020: Control (PS4)

Control may very well have been my 2019 Game of the Year, had I played it in 2019. I LOVED Control. I wanted to play it in 2019, but initial reports that it was a little rough on base consoles put me off until it was fixed. And Holy smokes what an insanely fun and trippy game once I finally started it. I knew within the first 20 minutes this was going to be the shit when I went down a hall, walked into a room and talked to the “janitor” left out a door behind him and the entire building had shifted. I’ve always liked Remedy games, but from a distance. Max Payne 1&2 and Alan Wake all oozed with weirdness and intrigue, but never enough for me to finish them. I missed out on Quantum Break. The story is Control is just the right amount of mind f*!$ for me and builds a universe I didn’t know I needed. It take some time to piece everything together, then everything just clicks. The game does have a weird difficulty spike when fighting bosses and the checkpoints were too far apart at times, but those were later patched. I spent an insane amount of time within the Federal Bureau of Control building and even more time after that with the Foundation and AWE DLC and it STILL wasn’t enough. I wanted more. Outside of Prey, I can’t think of another game that stuck in my brain more after I’d finished it. Control is absolutely a MUST PLAY title. In a world where everything sort’ve feels similar, Control stands out of the crowd.

Number 7: Astro’s Playroom (PS5)

I never thought in my wildest dreams that a game I had almost zero interest in playing would end up on my list of favorite games this year. Astro’s Playroom is being labeled as a ‘Tech demo’ but that feels like an insult to what it is. It’s a full fledged game and its free! I’ve paid more for less. A charming little platformer that lives and breathes the history of the Playstation. So many cool Easter eggs and references. It certainly centers its gameplay around the DualSense controller and everything it can do, but at its core, its a completely approachable and forgiving 3D platformer. I played it just to see what it was about, next thing i knew I had completed all the levels and wanted to further explore all the nooks and crannies within the game. I wanted to see everything the game had to offer and I had an absolute blast doing so. Makes me kinda wish I’d played the previous game on PSVR (I’d have to have a PSVR too)

Number 6: Spider-Man: Miles Morales (PS5)

Another quality title, albeit a spin-off, from Insomniac to add to their Spider Man universe. Gameplay felt obviously like Spider-Man, but Miles has unique abilities that made the game feel different enough, especially the cloak and stealth. I enjoyed the fact that it was short and concise. The issue with most ‘open-world’ games is that they are entirely too bloated with unnecessary filler content (I’ll get to that in a later game), something I felt the first game suffered from, but I also understand why they are there. However I could’ve use one or two more story missions to help flesh out some characters, but it wasn’t required and didn’t change my opinion one way or the other. My one BIG gripe was with Miles himself. He is an extremely smart young kid, but so incredibly naïve. Peter Parker tells him the one thing he SHOULD NOT do is tell people he is Spider-Man. I get it, that’s part of his growth, but Miles thinks he can just solve his problems by revealing his identity and it almost certainly never works out. 

Number 5: The Last of Us: Part 2 (PS4)

The Last of Us Part 2 may be the most polarizing game in the history of the medium, but for the absolute wrong reasons. I’m in the minority that I very much enjoyed my experience with TLOU2, quite a bit actually. Its better in every single way over its predecessor, except the overall story. There are plenty of fair criticisms to be had about the story and various things within the game itself, but I thought the gameplay was so tight and crunchy. There were genuine moments of suspense and terror that I felt that no other game has ever given me. The entire hospital section (2nd time) was so susensful, I had to put my controller down to gther myself. Some of my favorite moments in the series I experienced with a character I wasn’t overly fond of. How many games can do that? The Last of Us Part 2 was meant to invoke emotion, not necessarily joy. I think that's what people lost along the way. Say what you will about the direction Naughty Dog has taken over the years, but you would be hard pressed to find a studio that makes games graphically better than they do. Yes, I know about their crunch culture, but this is not a place for that. I will say, the game was a tad bit too long, which is not something it typically say for a single player, narrative driven game. The pacing and the way the story was told wasn’t my favorite, but I respect what it was trying to do, even if it failed in some aspect of that, I finished the game within the week it was released. Something I RARELY ever do. I’m a father and I related with Joel a lot in TLOU, but I also recognized how wrong he was. There is a lesson to be learned. Your actions always have consequences and while he was doing what he thought was the right thing, it wasn’t his choice to make, and in doing so set up a series of events that were entirely avoidable, but again, that’s the point isn’t it?

Number 4: Grindstone (Switch)

I’m counting this as a 2020 game since it just came to the Switch this year ( less than a month ago) but its not the first time I’ve played it. Grindstone was the only reason I kept my Apple Arcade subscription and when I let it lapse, there was a void I just couldn’t fill. I bought Puzzle Quest on Switch but it just wasn't the same. Its THE perfect game for bite sized play, even though in its addictive nature, you’ll clear a few levels and an hour has passed before you know it. It has the perfect amount of depth that most ‘match’ games don't. You have different weapons, items, and outfits w/perks to use and experiment with to keep it fresh. I went months without playing my Switch and when this was announced in August, I couldn’t wait! Sadly, I had to wait 3 months, but since then I have spent so much time on the Switch. It gave me a reason to play it again. The art style and humour is great. The variety of enemies and challenge is just right. I can’t recommend it enough. Seriously, check this game out!

Number 3: Doom Eternal (Xbox One)

I will be the first to tell you, I did not like Doom (2016). I found it extremely boring and trite. I understood what Doom(2016) was doing and it succeeded, maybe too much. Nostalgia is a helluva thing. So in saying that, I was mildly interested in Doom Eternal. Doom Eternal is nothing like 2016 outside of it being a Doom game that connects to the rest of them (& also being a sequel to 2016). The mechanics are drastically different with more platforming (for better or worse). Eternal is challenging, at times very hard, especially early on. Eternal has no respect for its players, in a weirdly good way. It laughs at how you’ve played FPS before this one and WILL MAKE you play it its way, not your way. Yes, you point and shoot, but ammo is scare and you MUST use everything in your arsenal. No more using just 2 guns for the whole game. The enemies are relentless. Sometimes you have to pause and take a breath after a battle because you go a 100 mph for the whole fight. You have to continuously move or you die. There is an enticing rhythm to it. I categorize Eternal as ‘Blood Ballet’. Its a game where when your feeling it, much like a rhythm game, you get in the zone and there is no stopping demons from getting slayed. Surprisingly, unlike most games in the genre, it seemed to get easier (sans one extremely frustrating platforming section late in the game) the longer you played it. Was that a testament that I ‘learned’ the Eternal way or it truly did get easier? I don’t know, but the final Boss(es) were....easy.. I had more problems and deaths within the first 4 hours than I did the final 8-9 hours. The multiplayer was also surprisingly fun. The older I get, the less interested I am in multiplayer, but I found myself coming back for more for a good month or so. 

Number 2: Gears Tactics (Xbox One)

As 2020 comes to a close, I came to a stunning realization. I might be a bigger Gears of War fan than I had previously thought. Don’t get me wrong. I love Gears, but I seem to love Gears more than I thought. I'm way more invested into the lore than I recall. Anyways, Gears Tactics is everything XCOM 2 SHOULD’VE been. Not only does Gears Tactics utilize the Overwatch action, its makes it EXTREMELY important. The story revolves around the father of Kait Diaz, Gabe and a ragtag group of mostly random soldiers to take down Ukkon. Anyone who is remotely interested in the Gears universe will love the story and references. The gameplay is just so damn satisfying. The bosses are very challenging and different. I actually had to change my strategy to finish the final boss. I experimented with a totally different style of class and was rewarded for it. The post game stuff is also aplenty. This game scratched a VERY specific itch for me and I’m itchy to jump back in. I’m glad this came to Xbox One because I’m current computer could not run it.

Number 1: Ghost of Tsushima (PS4)

I have a very odd relationship with massive open world games. I love them, but I get very burnt out on them. They all have a relatively same-y formula and are often populated with bloat. GoT does have some of that but to its advantage, its not very populated, in a good way. One of the things that I really appreciated about GoT and its side quest is most of them felt meaningful. The thing that really stood out to me about GoT is the absolutely satisfying combat. It just feels SO GOOD. It requires timing and patience. There are different fighting styles for different enemies and even the armor you wear is more than just cosmetic. The combat is so fun and satisfying that I was immediately excited when they announced Legends, a multiplayer add on, for free. Its so much fun and is a blast to play with a group of friends. I’m sporadically still playing the Legends mode. I initially wanted to play the game in ‘Kurosawa’ mode but I am glad I didn’t because the game, even on the PS4 is stunning, and on the upgrade on PS5 is jaw-droppingly smooth. I did play the entire game in Japanese with English subtitles. I still don't know what Jin’s English voice sounds like. GoT does a good job a drip feeding you new abilities and things to keep things fresh. I love stealth and once I unlocked it, I spent the majority of every battle taking out as many enemies as I could while in stealth mode. Ghost of Tsushima does a lot of things very well, that the few things it doesn’t can be easily overlooked.

[egg-emperor]

☼ - appearance headcanon

I've had this in my inbox for a while now because I feel like it was the most vague prompt on the list. It could mean so many different things and I don't know which to discuss!

But I'm going with describing how I imagine Eggman's appearance throughout his life, since there's no right or wrong way to answer. It's an opportunity to describe it because I still have yet to finish and share art depicting my ideas for what he looked like/will look like.

When Ivo was a kid, I imagine that many of his features closely resembled his classic design. He never looked drastically different from it.

His face has always been round and his cute chubby cheeks were especially visible before he had his stache. His nose was never all that different in shape, (Idk why people change that, it doesn't make sense) just slightly in color. It wasn't as pink because his rosacea and other contributions to its color became more intense with age.

He's always been chubby and it's a common body type for Robotnik family men. But there's always a reason and for Ivo it was various aspects of his lifestyle that resulted in his weight. As for his limbs, they've always had the unique contrast of being more attenuated than expected. It's a unique Robotnik family genetics thing.

A lot of fan designs of Eggman as a kid to young adult include him having wild hair styles but I don't picture it looking too extreme. Just fairly simple, short most of the time, naturally parted, and not specifically styled to look a certain way. It ever looked anything like jimbotnik's because I don't feel like the style suits him.

His hair had quite a soft and fluffy feel to it like his stache does now. It would fluff up easily and look a bit scruffy. He didn't pay much attention and would leave it that way because it wasn't something he prioritized. He never had pride or attachment to his hair like he does with his stache, so it was easy for him to rid of it as an adult.

He used to have eyebrows! Despite both him and Gerald lacking them, I imagine he had them at some point but ended up losing them. I've never decided exactly when or how but it could've been because of an accident. Either way, they were gone by the time he lost his hair. It's a good thing he has expressive brow ridges. XD

Despite his height of 6' 1" now, he was pretty short throughout his childhood, even in some of his teen years. He didn't like how some people wouldn't take him seriously and would look down on him but he wasn't too worried or insecure because it's common for men in the Robotnik family to be big and tall, so he knew he'd catch up.

He was right, he had a growth spurt that surprised everyone because it was so fast and sudden that it seemed like it happened overnight. He even ended up being taller than his father ever was! His height then matched his confidence and ego, he enjoyed finally being the one to tower over others and make them feel small. He still feels that same power and pride in it to this day! XD

His weight only ever increased with his growth so he's always been round and chunky, never skinny and lanky. But he finds himself handsome and only cares about being comfortable in his body. With it being common in the family, nobody tried to make him feel bad for it. Perhaps they might have had something to say about him becoming the heaviest, but that was after he left to start his own life and he never saw them again.

Somewhere in his 20s or maybe early 30s, he started getting early signs of male pattern baldness. It was another expected genetics thing so the only part that surprised him was how early it was. Unlike his father who was desperate to maintain his hair, Ivo didn't really care much about his own. His father spent years trying to keep his, while Ivo didn't even bother trying to save it and just shaved his entire head.

He might have tried a couple of wigs in case a bold head didn't suit him but he quickly realized how he found them too uncomfortable and itchy. He also realized that bald is beautiful and embraced it. He still has a number of wigs for disguises and they always looks convincing so he could have hair if he wanted to. But they still make him itch and he thinks he looks much better without them now.

He'd already started growing a mustache before losing his hair because he always thought they were cool. A lot of the males in the family did with his grandfather and father having one too. When he still had hair and a smaller stache, he looked very similar to his father and some confused them with each other. He's always been up to sly trickery so he used it to his advantage at times for useful benefits in his father's business.

But after he shaved his head and started growing out his stache so it could be as magnificently big and fluffy as it is now, he soon had a lot more in common with his grandfather's appearance than his father's. Even more so when he changed his round glasses with arms and clear glass to his shaded pince-nez ones. He welcomed this because he idolized his grandfather but disliked his father.

I don't try to find a logical explanation for the way he changed shape from spherical to more of an egg shape from classic and modern, or the way he seemingly got taller during adulthood lol. I just see it as a design and style choice that doesn't need a story based explanation. No characters notice or acknowledge the changes in their appearance, kind of like how nobody in 06 did.

That was a summary of the progress behind his appearance up to the present! I have ideas for extremely specific extra details for his present look and how it changes, such as small things with his eyes and skin. But I've decided I'll get into that in the second ask of this same prompt I got. So stay tuned! For now, I'm going to move on to how he'll look in the future because I have a few more things to say about it!

When he gets even older, he'll go through quite a few drastic changes but he'll still just look like a slightly altered version of his present self.

The most visible sign of age besides his graying stache is his weight because of how his current almost ends up doubling. It's mostly because he dropped his exercise routine when he started to let himself get comfortable in his old age. He couldn't accept it immediately due to the judgement he knew he'd get but he learned to expect reactions and not take it to heart. The teasing still gets to him at times but he deals with it.

He also does end up losing some of his height. I still haven't decided how many inches he loses but it will at least noticable enough for people to point it out. This is extremely disappointing to him and he'll heavily deny it because he really doesn't want to accept it. Luckily he'll still have a decent posture because he tries hard to maintain it, so that helps him keep a bit of height.

His most noticable wrinkles will be those that are around his eyes and also his brow area because of how often it furrows. It's definitely another point of teasing for people but he doesn't care about the wrinkles on his face because what is he supposed to do about it? He doesn't try to cover it up. He's secretly a bit insecure of wrinkles he has in other places but most people don't get to see that.

Because he'll still be so hardworking, he'll be visibly affected more noticably after lack of sleep. The circles/bags under his eyes will become even darker and will be seen on most days. He often looks tired and pissed off but rest assured, he isn't always feeling as miserable and exhausted as he might appear. But it will seem to stand out even more prominently when he has a rough day.

It impressively takes a while for his stache to fully gray, despite his age and constant stress. But it doesn't take as long as it seems because he keeps trying to hide and even dye it. The hair comes in as a very dark gray at first and he really won't be happy with it. It will take a while for him to accept and embrace it, mostly because it's a sign of his mortality that makes him feel like he's 'running out of time' because he's dramatic like that.

But by the time his entire stache grays, it will look like more of a snowy white color with some slightly darker patches here and there. The rest of his body hair will look the same way, so he goes from a brown bear to a bigger polar bear! 💜 And while he'll still have his worries about aging and mortality, this is the point where he'll learn to embrace the affects that age has on his appearance and he stills finds himself as handsome as ever. 💕

[storiesbymads]

ONE WEEK DOWN, A LIFETIME TO GO ² ( the internship . )

Y/N just got an internship at her childhood best friend’s brother’s company. The same brother who has no idea they’ve even met before. 

general warnings: smut, age gap (8 years), angst

add yourself to the taglist + series masterlist

Friday could not have rolled around any sooner. Despite your first day being somewhat slow, this internship was kicking your ass. It was almost embarrassing the amount of times you’d forced JJ to sit down and watch New Girl with you--it was your only stress reliever save for a nice warm cup of chamomile tea. The two of you had managed to surge through more than a season and a half since the week started. JJ’d even gotten good about brewing you a cup of tea before you walked through the door. 

“Last day until freedom,” you said quietly to yourself as you made your way out of the apartment, careful not to wake JJ. Even if he had been waking up earlier recently you knew he would give you hell when you got home if you woke him up before 10. 

The highway had, thankfully, been mostly empty on your way to the office so you ended up at the office a good few minutes earlier than usual. Jesse seemed to be the only other person in the building. 

“Morning, Mr. Maybank,” you said as you shuffled into his office, ready to take whatever assignments he had laid out for the day. He nodded as a response, grabbing a stack of files from the corner of his desk like he’d done the days prior and handing them over. 

“Morning, Miss Y/L/N. I sent everything else you need to your computer,” he said. You noticed how he’d failed to make eye contact with you since you stepped in the room. That couldn’t be a good sign. 

“Great! Thank you!” you said. You hoped you sounded peppy enough but it was 5:30 in the morning and you’d yet to have a single sip of caffeine. Another nod from his end sent you on your way. You dropped off the files at your desk before making your way to the small kitchen a few doors over. 

You still remembered how Jesse’s hand felt pressed up against your waist. The contact only lasted for maybe a second but it’d sent your mind reeling. It was the only thing you could think about when you came to get coffee every morning. You always subconsciously checked to see if your garter belt was showing, too. Even if you were wearing pants. 

Just a few more hours, you reminded yourself. Just a few more hours and then you’d be able to forget all about Jesse Maybank for two whole days. 

The other interns came into the office about ten minutes after you sat down. A guy named Lance was the last to file into your designated room, shutting the door behind him. Surprisingly, you’d been pretty good about remembering the other interns' names. At least the ones you shared an office with. 

Scout, the one who’d brought you coffee on Monday, went to college out in California but flew out here every summer just for this internship. She’d even invested in a condo ten minutes away from the office for her to stay in during the summer. She was probably the only one that made an effort to talk to you out of the group. You were just glad you had someone to gossip with at lunch. 

Lance, the entirely too cocky fraternity boy who sat next to you, went to college somewhere in Alabama and stayed with his parents here during the summers for this internship. You think he mentioned something about a place called Mobile? Either way, he was probably the one you’d conversed the least with. 

The last person crammed into the tiny office was a quiet girl named Marcie who you swore you had never heard speak before. The only reason you even knew her name was because of Scout. And even she didn’t know that much about her after working with her for two years. 

There were two other offices just like yours crammed with three or four interns each. Scout claimed she knew each and every one of them but you knew you’d never seen any of them leave their respective rooms save for lunch hour or to grab a coffee. You’re not even sure you could identify any of them as someone you slightly recognized. 

You hadn’t even realized that the rest of the interns in your office had left until you scooted your tiny roller chair back to stretch out your back. You faintly recalled glancing at the door as Lance stepped out but you figured he was just going to grab something out of the kitchen. Glancing at the bottom right hand corner of your desktop, you noticed the black 7:13pm staring back at you. Had you really managed to stay two hours late without noticing? Looks like you missed lunch too. Jesus, you really should not have pushed off all your work for the last day. 

A knock on the frosted glass door pulled you out of your thoughts before you saw the door creak open slowly. You saw Jesse standing there with a bag that looked to be filled with some sort of takeout. You suddenly became hyper aware of how little food was in your system. He offered a smile through the partially open door. At least he was making eye contact with you now. 

“I noticed that you were still here before I went out to get dinner,” he said. “I figured you’d be hungry.”

“Thank you! I am. I actually just realized I skipped lunch,” you said with a nervous laugh as he moved further into the office to set the bag of food down. He pulled up a chair from one of the other desks so that he was sitting next to you at yours. You hoped he couldn’t pick up on how incredibly fast your heart was beating. 

“You’re gonna eat in here?” you asked him. Part of you was happy he chose to spend any time with you at all. This was probably the longest amount of time you’d spent in the same room since you were in elementary school--save for Monday of course. Another part of you was terrified. You’d already been embarrassed enough at the beginning at the week. 

“Yeah, why?” he asked, pulling various cartons of chinese food out of the bag. 

“Just curious…” you trailed off, grabbing a random box as well as one of the sets of chopsticks. The two of you ate in silence for a while--horribly awkward silence that made you want to rip your hair out--until you noticed you had emptied your box of vegetables while you’d been staring at the wall. This really took the cake for the most uncomfortable meal of your life. 

“Rough day?” he asked, still poking at whatever he’d chosen as he watched you dump your empty box back into the white takeout bag. He noticed you wince slightly as you lifted your arm. He was right. It had been a rough day. 

“You would know,” you let out a dry laugh. “You’re the one that assigned me all the work.”

“I apologize about that,” he said. You could see the amusement that danced behind his eyes. 

“No, no. It’s fine,” you sputtered out. “I’m the one that applied to be here.”

“Still,” he started. “It’s only your first week. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you staying later than everyone else. You work later every day but it seems like you’re gonna be here for a while.”

“I mean, it’s whatever,” you said trying to force down the heat that rose to your cheeks. 

“It’s not whatever. I’ve been very happy with all the work you’ve done so far. How about I repay you for your time?” he said, gesturing for you to stand up. Hesitantly, you stood up from the chair only for him to move it out of the way, standing in its place. 

“Trust me,” he whispered into your ear as he brushed all of your hair over your opposite shoulder. The cold air hitting your exposed neck forced a chill down your spine. Well, that and Jesse’s breath fanning over the small patch of skin. 

“Okay,” you muttered as you felt him place his hands on your shoulders. When you walked into work this morning, a massage from your boss really was the last thing you were expecting. It wasn’t like you were complaining, though. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t dreamt of his hands on your body once or twice since Monday. 

His thick fingers worked wonders on your shoulders. You mumbled out some joke about him going into the wrong career field, which earned a short laugh from him, before you felt his thumb apply the perfect amount of pressure to a spot on your shoulder blade. The moan you let out sounded almost pornographic and you would’ve been flustered had his hands not felt so good. 

You ended up having to grab the table with your right hand to steady yourself as he dug his fingers into the various knots and tension in your back. It was a struggle keeping your moans at bay when his hands hit the right spots. The whole thing felt inherently innocent until you felt one of his hands slip lower and lower so that it was resting on your lower back. 

Jesse felt his cock twitch in his slacks when he noticed how tightly you were gripping the table. Surely you had to be as turned on from this as he was. He could practically feel it. But he couldn’t let it escalate any further. He was your boss. 

“Tell me to stop,” he whispered, lips centimeters away from the nape of your neck. His hand shifted from the small of your back so that it was lightly digging into the skin of your hip. 

“Don’t stop,” you said, tilting your head back to rest on his shoulder as his other hand quickly moved to hike up your skirt. He let out a small groan when he noticed you had on another garter belt--this one was white and attached to a sheer pair of matching stockings. His cock was straining against his briefs at this point. Leaning you forward, he had you partially bent over the desk so that he could bunch the skirt fully up at your waist. You silently thanked JJ for not doing the laundry when you asked him to. The only pair of panties you had left were the extremely lacy lingerie he’d gifted you as a gag gift when you both graduated high school. 

“These are nice,” he hummed, more to himself than to you, the tip of his finger running along the hemline. The thin fabric was probably soaked through at that point and it took everything in your power to not clench your thighs around the knee he’d placed between your legs to keep you spread. 

“Please,” you said after a few minutes of him tracing the various hems and lines of your undergarments. He’d spent entirely too much time fiddling with the tops of your stockings for your taste. It was driving you insane. 

“What do you want?” he tutted, leaning forward so that his chest was pressed up against your back. You were incredibly thankful he’d shut the door on this way in, even if you were the last two in the building. A soft gasp fell from your lips when you felt him cup your cunt with a full palm. 

“Touch me,” you breathed. The feeling of having him so close, surrounding you, was sending your mind into a haze. You felt like you were floating. 

“Mmm, is that what you want?” he asked. “You want me to touch you?”

“More than anything,” you admitted. He used two fingers to circle your clit through your panties. His breath was hot against your neck and the hand that wasn’t on your pussy was wrapped around your midriff to keep you pressed against him. 

“You gonna be a good girl for me?” he asked. You nodded. “There’s no one else here. You can be as loud as you want. Can you do that for me? Can you let me hear how good I’m making you feel?”

“Fuck,” you whimpered as you felt him pull away from you. The loss of contact on the throbbing bundle of nerves left you feeling empty. You felt the cold air hit your slick before you even registered the fact that he’d tugged your underwear halfway down your legs. Goosebumps rose under his touch as he dragged his index finger up your leg until it was resting just under your entrance. 

“Are you sure you want this?” he asked, voice shaky. You thought you’d made it obscenely clear you wanted him in any possible fashion but apparently not. 

“Please,” the urge to call him Jesse was on the tip of your tongue but you didn’t want to push your luck. “Sir.”

He delved his index finger into you first, testing the waters. After a few short pumps, he pushed his middle finger in as well. The further he stuffed his fingers in, the more desperate you were to clench your thighs around him. He clicked his tongue each time you did, lightly tapping your bare ass with his free hand. 

“Stop fidgeting. You’ll take what I give you,” he tutted, curling the two fingers that were inside of you as he wrapped his right hand back around your midsection. 

“Oh,” you whined as you felt him roll your clit between his thumb and forefinger, his other hand still rapidly moving in and out of your hole. You could already feel your orgasm approaching. Fast. 

“You gonna cum? I can feel it,” he said. “I can feel you clenching around my fingers.” 

The noise that left your mouth as your orgasm washed over you sounded almost inhuman. He cooed softly in your ear as he helped you ride everything out. A small string of curses fell from your lips when he pulled his fingers out of you, stepping back so that you could turn around and face him. He tapped the two fingers that had been inside you twice on your bottom lip. 

“Open,” he said. You complied, allowing him to slip both digits into your mouth. “Good girl.”

It took everything in Jesse’s power to not force you to your knees right then and there. He was salivating at the thought of your tongue circling around his cock the way it was going around his fingers. But he knew he couldn’t do that. Not today at least. 

“I should let you get back to work,” Jesse said as you slipped your panties back up, smoothing your skirt down over them. The sudden shift in atmosphere shouldn’t have surprised you. What was supposed to happen when you let your boss finger you over your desk?

“Right,” you said, grabbing your chair that had been pushed across the room so you could get settled back at your desk again. You didn’t have anything left to do today but you were gonna make sure he was out of sight before you left the building. 

“Right,” he repeated, drying his fingers off on his dress pants before stepping out of the small office. 

tags: @ptersparkers​ @digniteas​ @kiarascarreras​ @letsgofullkook​ @kirikaelak​ @haute-shawn​ @obx-baby​ @httpstarkey​ @x-lulu​ @obbx-tings​ @poguestyleskye​ @erraaxh​ @sunwardsss​ @katrynec​ @moldisgoodforyou​ @iamaunicorn4704​ @kaelankaekul​ @queenofthebees003​ @waywardbabie​ @pankowstyle​ @wondergal21​ @outerbongs​ @scandalousfemale​

[happymetalgirl]

October 2020

Six Feet Under - Nightmares of the Decomposed

I wrote a full-length review of this disaster of an album earlier in the month, and yeah, wow. Between the phoned-in performances from the instrumentalists who have proven themselves far above this joke of a band and the half-assed production this would have been a pretty crappy album even without Chris Barnes’ milk-aged vocals. But he’s here, and he’s managed to actually get worse too, gasping his way through the whole album and littering it with these ludicrous “high” squeals that would make Smeagol sound like a more competent death metal vocalist. It’s the worst thing I’ve heard all year, and what’s worse, I don’t think Six Feet Under is stopping.

1/10

With that out of the way, let’s cleanse the pallet right away with some really good shit.

Greg Puciato - Child Soldier: Creator of God

Ever reliable in his artistically integrity, explosive former Dillinger Escape Plan frontman, Greg Puciato, has been pretty sonically and artistically adventurous since the honorable dissolution of the iconic mathcore outfit, his most notable music project being the ethereal, synth-heavy The Black Queen. This year, however, Puciato has gone fully solo for a full-length project, and something told me to get ready for a wild ride, and boy was I right on that hunch. Borne out of an exponentiated process of songwriting that produced songs Puciato deemed unfitting for any of his current projects, what was planned as a small release to ship these songs out of the writing room eventually spiraled into a full-blown debut solo album clocking in at over an hour. A lot of solo projects play like clearly indulgent amateur hour sessions from an artist whose ego has been boosted pretty well from significant success from their main project, leading them to overconfidently try their hand at music they have no business trying it at. And it’s often approached under the understanding that it is a victory lap, more or less, and a satisfaction of creative impulses for the sake of it. Sometimes the resultant material is clearly inspired and showcases a side of an artist that certainly deserves some spotlight. Other times it feels like being trapped in an awkward situation with an acquaintance where they just show you all their newest pedals and production software and you’re just stuck there watching them fiddle around while you nod along and offer the occasional “wow, that’s pretty crazy” every now and then while they don’t pick up on the obvious cues that you are just waiting for them to finish playing with their toys. While Puciato was open about this album being borne from the very creatively borderless mindset that so often damns solo projects, Child Soldier: Creator of God is an actual realization of the type of grand, genre-spanning album that so many solo artists envision themselves making and set out to create, and it’s hardly a whimsical, amateurish crack at the styles within either. Puciato’s foray into sludge metal, industrial rock, harsh noise, darkwave, synthwave, and shoegaze, (1) makes for a hell of a dynamic and exciting track list, and (2) shows a much deeper than average respect for and relationship with the styles being played here. This isn’t some frontman thinking his charisma can carry him through a whole rap solo album; this is a well-rounded artist (also a hell of a frontman, no denying that) giving the most comprehensive look yet into his creative mind. The album leaps around in patches of different styles, strung together mostly by ambient connective tissue of various types, all with a great attention to detail paid to both texture and progression. We get early patches of smooth ambiance, but also aggressive industrial and sludge metal, eventually moving to more soothing and meditative synthy stuff around the middle, finishing with some serene, Have a Nice Life-esque shoegaze. But really there’s no way to sum up this album stylistically without breaking down every single song on here, and that would just ruin the fun and the experience. You really just have to experience it for yourself.

9/10

DevilDriver - Dealing with Demons I

Embarking on a conceptual double-album, Dez Fafara and DevilDriver’s first installment in the pair is a scoop of the, indeed, slightly above average, but unfortunately still plain and predictable modern groove metal they always offer up. I’ll give the band credit for keeping the pace up and clearly putting substantial energy into the performances on this album, while also trying to squeeze in a few shake-ups to their sound, like the clear Gojira-inspired riffage on the opening track. The album loses steam, unfortunately, as its punches lose their impact as it goes on.

6/10

Anaal Nathrakh - Endarkenment

While certainly cultivating a unique sound, Anaal Nathrakh’s unholy fusion of nasty modern blackened grindcore with sweeter metalcore and melodic death metal elements has its mixed results. And while that might at first sound like a relatively critical assessment of the Brits’ eleventh album, I’d say that there is actually a lot to enjoy and take in for at least the interesting mix of styles, most of which are hits rather than misses as well.

7/10

Enslaved - Utgard

Having been a fan of a good amount of their recent output, especially 2015’s In Times, I came out of Utgard moderately disappointed with how infrequently Enslaved galvanized their potent brand of Viking folky, progressive black metal effectively; the few moments the band do channel their strengths cohesively and purposefully left me wanting more rather than savoring those moments.

6/10

In Cauda Venenum - G.O.H.E.

It’s hard to, and indeed seems kind of in just to, sum up a heaping prog metal serving like G.O.H.E., comprised of two 22-minute halves, in a capsule review, but that is kind of the format my current busy circumstances have forced me into. French outfit In Cauda Venenum made a self-titled debut in similar two-long-track fashion back in 2015, and the band’s gothic and somewhat theatrical brand of atmospheric post-black-metal is continued on their sophomore effort here, drawing the obvious comparisons to Opeth and Katatonia, as well as Der Weg Einer Freiheit, Numenorean, and Sólstafir, and apart from the more frequent sample usage and extra drawn-out songs, there really isn’t that much to differentiate In Cauda Venenum stylistically. The band’s second album, unfortunately, resembles so many others in the field with big aspirations and the same inadequate means of getting there.

5/10

Apparition - Granular Transformation

A much more bite-sized early two-track offering, Apparition’s debut EP offers a more promising glimpse into a heady, atmospheric, yet still visceral manipulation of modern death metal that I would be curious to hear in a more long-form format. In a genre as extreme as death metal in recent years has been, finding artists effective at working with negative space can be difficult, but the two songs on Granular Transformation showcase a formidable dexterity from Apparition that I think can take them places.

6/10

Molasses - Through the Hollow

While indeed marred by some rough performances on songs with sometimes more desert to cross than water to make it there, there’s an undeniable occult hypnotism about the Dio-era-esque doom metal hollow that Molasses ritualize their way through.

7/10

Death Angel - Under Pressure

While certainly an odd choice on the surface, Death Angel’s acoustic EP and cover of the famous Queen song actually comes out pretty alright. The acoustic version of Act III’s “A Room with a View” comes off with the energy of something like Rush whenever they went acoustic, and the original acoustic cut, “Faded Remains” isn’t too bad either. The acoustic format did not, however, mask the drabness of “Revelation Song” from last year’s overall disappointment, Humanicide.

6/10

Necrophobic - Dawn of the Damned

The Swedes’ melodic brand of blackened death metal is nothing if not thorough on the quintet’s ninth full-length, Dawn of the Damned, covering all the ground that their fans expect their style to cover and doing so with more compositional and performative stamina than their average contemporary. While the band’s broader compositional approach is akin to the beating of a dead horse, I can’t deny it produces some tasty motifs in the process.

7/10

Bloodbather - Silence

After coming onto the blossoming metallic hardcore scene in 2018 with a standard, but potent enough 14-minute EP, Pressure, Bloodbather are back with another 14 minutes of similar, yet less promising material, doing little to set themselves apart from or on the same level of the likes of Jesus Piece, Vein, Knocked Loose, or Harm’s Way.

5/10

Infera Bruo - Rites of the Nameless

The Bostonians’ fourth full-length is, at the very least, a rather well-executed forty minutes of modern black metal a la Craft or Watain, but beneath the seams the band’s progressive tendencies twist what would otherwise be a fresh, but standard, slab of black metal into a more head-turning offering of the usual shrieks and blast beats.

7/10

Touché Amoré - Lament

While somewhat shaky in their compositional exploration in their fifth LP, the firmness of their emotive post-hardcore foundation allows for Touché Amoré to build upwards relatively steadily without losing that raw vulnerability that has made them so captivating to begin with.

7/10

Gargoyl - Gargoyl

This is the self-titled debut from Bostonian four-piece Gargoyl; a novel blend of dirty nineties grunge and gothic prog metal, Gargoyl come through with one of the more impressive genre fusions of the year, meeting the lofty sufficiency for dexterity with excessive vocal harmonies in a manner so uncanny that would make habe to Layne Stayley proud. While there is the expected room for improvement on the compositional end that many debut projects come with, Gargoyl have laid the groundwork for themselves fantastically and started off on a good foot.

7/10

Crippled Black Phoenix - Ellengæst

Through creative gothic flair and full-bodied guest vocal contributions that bolster the somber atmosphere beyond the typical post-metal album, the UK band’s most recent offering of “endtime ballads”, despite its few low points that undo its otherwise immersive atmosphere, serves as one of the more engaging releases under the broader post-metal umbrella of the past year.

7/10

Wayfarer - A Romance with Violence

The Denver-based quartet follow up 2018’s strong emotive case for the potential for evoking cathartic power of the atmospheric black metal which has so saturated the American scene to the point of numbness, their Americana-tinged third LP, World’s Blood, unfortunately, with a fourth LP whose compositional homogeneity and mere few intermittent bursts of enthralling atmospheric instrumentation more represent, rather than advocate the merit of, the saturation of the American atmospheric black metal scene.

6/10

Armored Saint - Punching the Sky

Though I think the structural homogeneity and John Bush’s similarly limited vocal delivery holds it back, with crunchy bangers like “Do Wrong to None” and “My Jurisdiction” alongside more tempered tracks the clearly grunge-influenced “Lone Wolf”, Bush and company provide a relatively stylistically diverse traditional heavy metal album for an age that could use more contemporary representation of classic styles (beyond the entire stoner metal genre LARPing as Black Sabbath too).

7/10

Spirit Adrift - Enlightened in Eternity

But it's not just the old guard representing their era of classic heavy metal robustly; a year and a half after their energetically melodic third album, Divided by Darkness, which took a triumphant melodic approach to classic heavy metal and doom metal similar to that of Khemmis on their excellent third album, Spirit Adrift ease up a bit on the hyper-soulful approach to guitar melody that had led me (and others I'm sure) to draw the comparison to Khemmis, and instead dive deeper into the headspace of the genre's earliest progenitors to achieve that unabashedly glorious rallying cry that is evoked by the very front cover of Enlightened in Eternity. While I am personally pretty partial to the very vulnerable and heartfelt melodic approach that characterized Divided by Darkness, the effectiveness with which Spirit Adrift are able to wield the sometimes Maiden-esque, sometimes Testament-esque sounds of the 80’s on this album is undeniably impressive.

8/10

Fever 333 - Wrong Generation

Providing the correction to this generation’s answer to Rage Against the Machine (after Prophets of Rage’s insufficient attempted revival) Fever 333 follow up last year’s debut of heavy, fired-up and modern take on rapcore with another 14 minutes of righteous anti-racist hardcore anger that’s attuned to the issues to a level that I wish more artists would at least express in their art. While the EP is 18 minutes long, the last two songs, “The Last Time” and “Supremacy”, don’t match the sonic energy of the first six tracks. The somber piano-led snippet-length ballad, “The Last Time”, should have been the conclusion of the album, but the closing track, “Supremacy”, while as conscious as the tracks before it, is basically a late-stage formulaic Linkin Park track that flatters neither of the two bands. Despite botching the landing though, Wrong Generation is a ripping batch of songs that well represent the current unrest and provide a positive hypothetical idea of what it might be like if Rage Against the Machine were in their prime and active today.

7/10

Mörk Gryning - Hinsides Vrede

The Swedes return from their 15-year disillusioned absence from the studio with a concise and clearly renewed enthusiasm for the energetic black metal that they put forth on Hinsides Vrede. Dynamically bolstered by folk-metal compositional tendencies and more than a dash of that famed Gothenburg melodicism (I know they’re from Stockholm and in fact their melodic approach often does heaven to that of their close neighbors from Uppsala, Watain), Mörk Gryning’s seamless return to music finds them jumping into the modern black metal scene’s advanced compositional rubric with relative ease.

7/10

Zeal & Ardor - Wake of a Nation

Having covered their output since their debut and being a big fan of Manuel Gagneux’ project, it pains me to say, especially given the noble pretext and occasional momentary flashes of sobering messaging, that this six-song mini release really doesn’t capture the unique sonic pallet that has made Zeal & Ardor such an interesting act to listen to for the past few years in the most flattering light. The title track is possibly the least of the offenders here, but all the songs here function by taking a little snippet of sound that samples Zeal & Ardor’s broader stylistic range, and drawing it out across these short, but all too minimally composed tracks in such a way that they lose their momentum very quickly. Like I said, I wholeheartedly appreciate, sympathize with, and support what Manuel Gagneux is doing to lend his band’s platform to the addressing of the dire issue of today’s racism through musical means with this project, and when its social motivation is at the forefront, it’s at its most potent, but musically, unfortunately, it’s just desperately underwritten in a way that doesn’t fairly represent how accomplished Zeal & Ardor really are with their sound.

5/10

Sevendust - Blood & Stone

The flashes of crushing grooves reminiscent of their earlier work on Blood & Stone that highlight how well Sevendust can harness nu/alternative metal to execute pummeling attacks with the right crunchy guitar tone, unfortunately, don’t come frequently enough on their twelfth LP to mirage the exhaustion that has come of the band’s writing process after such frequent, unrelenting output and the all too apparent desperate need for a recalibrating, refreshing break, which they certainly deserve for their tenacity.

5/10

Undeath - Lesions of a Different Kind

In one of those cases where the ridiculously gratuitous album cover actually represents the album’s sound quite well, Rochester, New York five-piece, Undeath mince neither words nor sounds on their debut LP in their 100% upfront, no-nonsense, and wonderfully nasty delivery of death metal. Eschewing even the slightest sense of snobbery or pretense for aimless ambition, the band simply compile the genre’s tried and true elements of bellowing growls, filthy riffs, mean-ass down-tuned chugging, and blood-pumping double-bass with blast beats into an addictive slab of raw, uncured death metal that serves as a testament to the merit of not overthinking shit.

8/10

Griffon - Ὸ Θεός Ὸ Βασιλεύς

On their sophomore LP, Parisian quintet Griffon channel the world innovative ethos that has become rather prominent in their scene into a somewhat short, but definitely sweet offering of modestly ambitious black metal that captures much more effectively than most albums of similar style and lesser imagination, the divine grandeur that the genre so often tries and fails to embody.

8/10

Bring Me the Horizon - Post-Human: Survival Horror

After taking the hard left into current pop music trends very transparently on their controversial, which was at least partially intentional on their part, and ultimately really patchy, but not wholly awful, 2019 album, amo, Oli Sykes and co. walk it back substantially for this smaller release here, back to That's the Spirit, even Sempiternal, a prospect that might get a lot of the band's more long-time, metalcore-centric fans excited, but I would suggest those fans temper their expectations of Post-Human: Survival Horror. The band reunite with the anthemic metalcore/deathcore that put them on the map for a good chunk of this album, and the intro track, "Dear Diary,", might even give some false hope of the prodigal sons returning home. But songs like the cookie-cutter single, "Teardrops", provide strong evidence that, while the band have re-embraced their old aesthetic, they have not kicked the pop vocal or compositional habits. And the project really does run out of energy in its final third because of this compositional homogeneity. I do want to highlight the song, "Kingslayer", which features a very in-form Babymetal (I loved their album last year), because their fun, not-so-serious approach to the crossing of J-pop and metal music in their feature on this track among the other songs around it provides a contrast to the more formulaic, disinterested radio pop swagger that Bring Me the Horizon have been trying to jam into their sound that could perhaps inform Bring Me the Horizon's artistic approach to integrating pop music if they really are so hellbent on doing so. Ultimately though, as much as they want to move into newer territory, this trajectory-revising release shows just how much more solid Bring Me the Horizon are in their metalcore territory than they were on amo. It had its predictable hiccups, but this thing wasn't too bad.

7/10

Pallbearer - Forgotten Days

With the slow, sludgy, down-tuned riffing of the menacing opening title track and the similar chug of “Vengeance & Ruination” being the sole exceptions, the remainder of Pallbearer’s fouth full-length largely sees them operating in the same niche they have in their three previous albums. And while this could invoke accusations of playing it safe, the brimming heartfelt sorrow and resistance to succumbing to despair across Forgotten Days is enough to wave that away, as Pallbearer showcase just how emotive doom metal can be.

8/10

Bleeding Out - Lifelong Death Fantasy

The very new act and fresh Profound Lore signing, Bleeding Out, certainly display more dynamic capability than your average local grindcore scene’s biggest names here on their 18-minute debut for the label, but as of now it is still just a glimpse of potential for more effective future implementation. It’s a good start, though, and I’ll be looking forward to a more long-form project from these guys.

6/10

Evildead - United States of Anarchy

Every year we get the resurrection of some long-inactive old-school band who seem to have found that missing spark at last; we’ve seen the return of smaller bands to the studio like Angel Witch or Sorcerer and long-awaited revivals of iconic acts like Possessed. This year, Los Angeles’ Evildead has seen fit to make their commentary on the massive ongoing sociopolitical upheaval. Despite my love for the 80’s thrash scene they were born out of, the combination of the utterly lame band name, logo, and covers for either their ‘89 or ‘91 albums never really made me want to check them out, but seeing the horridly cheesy and incoherent cover of United States of Anarchy (I mean how much more on-the-nose can you get), my morbid curiosity got the best of me. Maybe I’d be wrong to have judged them by their cover, plenty of my favorite 80’s albums have particularly goofy cover art. So what do we get from Evildead in 2020 with this fucking album? Well, it’s not as poorly performed as the past few Anvil albums I’ve had to review have been, but Jesus the lyricism is similarly cheesy 5th-grade-level stuff and smacks of silly political incoherence that essentially boils down to “enlightened centrism” with mix of that good ol’ Illuminati-conspiracy-theory belief that no political thrash album is apparently complete without. I mean there’s just basic acknowledgment of the prominent problems of the day and the fact that both major political parties are bad and that corruption is rampant all throughout DC, but Evildead not only barely scratch the surface, they apply the same level cynicism to the “both sides” they criticize with no substantiation to their criticism despite that mindset being a big reason for our being where we are right now, mixed in with the occasional conspiracy-paranoia about the shadowy underworld running everything, so no real solutions or even proper addressing of these problems. Like, the same level of criticism is levied at right-wingers and communists, like communists are at all why this country has gone to shit. And the generic Anthrax/Megadeth type of thrash instrumentation, while rumbly and mixed well to highlight its bass heaviness, doesn’t exactly make it easy to get past the commentary deficiencies on here.

4/10

Emma Ruth Rundle & Thou - May Our Chambers Be Full

Rounding off their year (at least I think), with a long-teased collaboration with Emma Ruth Rundle, Thou finally present their massive sludge-doom sound in a much more flattering light than the previous cover albums this year did. Thou's original material continues to highlight just why their relatively stiff sound is much more cut out for that, original material, than for trying to bend beyond its flexibility to tribute grunge songs. And while Thou being back in their more effective department, Emma Ruth Rundle's contributions, beyond just her gorgeous and ethereally haunting vocals, to the album's atmosphere, dynamic, and structuring really take the collaboration to the next level. Not to say that Thou are completely overshadowed and relegated to the background on this record or that they don't contribute to a fair share of the legwork here; the workload is shared pretty equally, and both collaborators have their moments of prominence, but Emma Ruth Rundle's ever-present gothic/folky influence really directs the music in a way that plays to Thou's strengths in a way I'm not sure they would have been able to on their own. It's great work from both of them, and I'd be eager to hear Thou find more collaborations like this in the future that push them into doing more interesting things with their crushing doom sound, as opposed to the rather tepid collaborations with The Body.

8/10

Auðn - Vökudraumsins Fangi

Sadly, three albums in, Auðn have only barely exceeded the bare minimum for naturalistic atmospheric black metal, with no signs of significant improvement to be found. The Icelandic band earn points for their earnest delivery, but they never seem to fully make it out of the rut that the genre’s many contemporary acts have dug.

5/10

Botanist - Photosynthesis

The black metal traditionalists might have had to accept that the floodgates to bright ambience and serene shoegaze in the genre have been opened and that there's no going back now, but even as an avid Deafheaven fan, I'm sometimes momentarily surprised at just how heavenly some black metal has gotten lately, and this new album from Botanist is one of those albums. And while it sometimes slips into some of the current wave's typical ruts, the sheer blindingly illuminating aura of this album when it reaches those high points (and it does so frequently) is enough to pull it out from those gutters and high into the cosmos. Yeah, another splendid offering of nature worship from Botanist.

8/10

Mr. Bungle - The Raging Wrath of the Easter Bunny Demo

Making their return after over a decade, Mike Patton recruits both Dave Lombardo and Scott Ian for the long-awaited fourth Mr. Bungle album, which is titled in homage to the first Mr. Bungle demo which it is comprised largely of much clearer re-recordings of. Ever impressive, Mike Patton balances aggression and eccentricity like a tightrope walker on this project too, while his bandmates do the same with thrash metal’s natural adrenaline rush while pushing the genre into new compositional and stylistic territory without sacrificing that crucial whiplash. It’s a great time, and definitely one of the year’s best thrash albums.

8/10

Carcass - Despicable

While they've been much less prolific since their reboot than they were prior, Liverpool's melodic death metal pioneers simply continue to demonstrate their excellence in this seemingly effortless four-track appetizer to next year's Torn Arteries. Anyone familiar with the band's brutal form of melodic death metal will certainly be pleased with the four quite sufficiently pulverizing cuts here; those who may only be familiar with some of the band's many less muscular imitators might be surprised, and pleasantly so, with the Englanders' ability to lay on the infectious guitar melody without sacrificing an ounce of force.

8/10

[catgirlxox]

Ben Is Too Good For His Own Good

Aka a "cinnamon roll", if you will. Yes, I'm writing an essay on this. 

So it's nothing new that Ben has this "second chances" philosophy, but that is indicative of the possibility that he would let himself be in damaging relationships in hopes that the other person would change or improve. 

There have been various instances of Ben kind of just brushing off being treated poorly. I wouldn't say that this makes him a push over or anything like that, but I never see any of these things being pointed out. They're just kind of laughed off.

Just the other day, in fact, I had someone privately DM me saying that they don't believe Ben ever had any trauma or side effects from his lifestyle, even questioning “what nightmares” I was even referring to. 

On top of that, it's a very common thing in this fandom to state things like "the girls deserved better than Ben." I'll always be of the opinion that Ben is the one that deserved better, and I have plenty (logical) reasons why, but that’s besides the point. 

Even though Ben is so forgiving and cooperative, giving everyone a second chance to change, it just doesn't sit right with me that we should just be okay with some of the horrible things that are being justified here. That doesn't mean you should hate these characters. I mean, Ben clearly doesn't. But it honestly says more about him than any of them. 

It says a lot to me when I see Ben seeing the best in someone, even when they've done horrible things in the past or are in the midst of doing something bad to him. 

One example, which I keep bringing up on this blog, is the episode "Vilgax Must Croak." Besides everything else that Vilgax had done to him in the past, in addition to throughout the episode up until this point, Ben was still shown believing that Vilgax could have tried to save him by jumping in front of Ben to shield him from a (seemingly extremely destructive) blast from Attea. 

Things like this also explain why I don’t support shipping Ben with Attea, but that’s besides the point too...

Of course, even if he did save Ben by doing this, Vilgax was only manipulating the situation to make it look like he was trying to save Ben when he was really taking the chance to break himself free of the handcuffs. 

But, even so, this seems to mean that Ben believes that Vilgax does have it in him to do something good. Ben was admittedly shocked by what had happened at first, but by the next scene where he turns back to human, he's got his guard down enough for Vilgax to take advantage of the situation again and shoot him in the back. Because, please realize, if Vilgax didn’t “save” him, he wouldn’t be able to shoot him in the back. 

But anyway, in conclusion, as the title states, he's too good for his own good. 

The next unfair circumstance which displays the same thing happens in the episode "No Honor Among Bros." I am aware that the following is uncharacteristic of Rook and had only happened because Rook was under the influence of a substance, so I want to acknowledge that, but I am mostly focusing on Ben's actions here.

Ben and Rook eventually are set up against each other in the tournament, and, besides the fact that Ben already doesn't want to fight anyone needlessly, as shown by his previous match against Malice where he was BEAT UP FOR THREE HOURS...

...he clearly holds back while fighting Rook in this match, too. 

The one time he actually hits Rook with a decent shot, which knocks Rook out temporarily, not only does he immediately go check on him to make sure he's not badly hurt, but also turns back to human, leaving him somewhat more vulnerable then he would be as Upchuck. 

This seems to mean that he trusted Rook wouldn't take that chance to hit him right back. And unnecessarily hard too, at that. 

This knocks Ben down, making him lose the fight. The important thing to take away from this is that, regardless if he just chalked it up to Rook not being himself, he still didn't seem to hold it against him, besides just being slightly annoyed. 

So, basically, he got his ass beat multiple times only because he was holding back for the other person's sake. He's too good for his own good. 

Then there's also Kevin and Tetrax. Both are former "criminals", albeit for different reasons, and Ben still had it in him to befriend both of them. This is probably due to the fact that they've built trust over time, and fought evil together to protect others, including each other. 

I don't like to look past the fact that Kevin, while admittedly not entirely in control of his powers at the time, has tried to kill Ben on multiple occasions. But, like I said, Ben has grown to trust him and they have each other's back, so there’s no need to really expand on those two all that much. 

Then there's the sad story of Elena. 

You could argue that the reason it's difficult for me to look past Elena's “mistakes” is because she was given little to no chances to redeem herself. And perhaps there is some truth to that. 

However, there has been a scene which seems to be what is considered "redeeming" - when she attempts to sacrifice herself to save Ben. 

And while Ben himself seemed extremely moved by this at the time, clearly not holding any hard feelings towards what she had just done to him throughout "Revenge of the Swarm", I can't say that I feel the same. 

I can't say that I feel the same because Ben's life would not even be in danger at this point if she didn't attempt to suffocate him. Should I see her as a “hero” for saving Ben from herself? 

Especially when it’s evident that she had enough self control to attempt to commit suicide, but somehow not enough to not attempt to kill Ben again once she realized that her suicide attempt failed. 

Ben: “Elena! They’ve been controlling you! You’ve got to fight them!”

Elena: “They’re not controlling me, they are me! And I am them!”

Another thing about her predicament that I don't understand is whether or not her choices are voluntary. The other characters say outwardly that "the chips are controlling her", while she, in response, claims that they are not controlling her and instead, that they "are her." 

Elena: “They give me what I want! They fulfil my deepest desires! Even the ones I don’t know I have!”

She also claims that the chips want what she wants, and because they “are her” they give her the ability to get everything she might want. By that logic, she would want everything that had happened up until this point, which is crazy and inexcusable. 

If she is the chips, implying there is no other Elena inside that is the “true” Elena, and she genuinely wants to do things like stalk Ben and attempt to kill him, then I don’t see a way to excuse or justify that.  

But then, in the midst of choking Ben to death, Julie tells her that she couldn't seriously want Ben to die, which Elena responds to seemingly confused or unsure for the first time, and only states it must be what she wants, before claiming that she really did care about Ben. 

I’m sure Ben would agree that she could still be redeemed at this point. He would probably still agree she could be redeemed after all that I’m about to go over as well.

And, while this is evident since he did state the following, believing, once again, that there is still good in someone who had done horrible things:

Ben: “There was enough of my friend left to save my life.”

She still came back to make the situation worse instead of taking the chance to redeem herself. 

Unfortunately, unlike I suggested earlier, and instead of leaving it at that after surviving her suicide attempt and traumatizing everyone in the process, she returns in "The Perfect Girlfriend" impersonating Julie, being the cause of Gwen suffering a pretty significant injury, and, let’s not forget, attempting to kill Ben once again. 

It’s even worse that she chose to do so at such a vulnerable point in Ben and Julie’s relationship, considering that they had been arguing lately, even in the beginning of that very episode. I’ve actually had someone claim that this episode proves that Ben’s idea of the “perfect” girlfriend is someone who does everything he says and may as well have no individual personality. And, because someone I think is credible enough to speak on Ben’s behalf believes that to some extent, it just shows me that it’s possible many other people in this fandom might believe the same thing.

To me, it simply seemed as if he believed that his relationship with his girlfriend was finally improving, which is a good thing. It doesn’t seem all that unreasonable for him to not question why they were suddenly getting along much more than before. Why would anyone question their relationship with their significant other going well, especially after going through a rough patch? 

Regardless, after realizing the reason why this was the case, he must have also felt horrible about not noticing sooner, which sucks. He’d be seen as a jerk for questioning why his girlfriend was being so nice to him had he done so, but he’d be seen as a jerk for not noticing that it wasn’t really her all this time anyway.

I hate to keep flaming her, but Elena chose to put him in that position since the chips allow her to fulfil “all her deepest desires”, apparently. Because that's what you do to someone you "love." 

While Elena's story wasn't continued past Ultimate Alien, the Ben 10: Omniverse comic "Parallel Paradox" did attempt to tie up loose ends. 

Before I continue, I have to state that the comics are not technically "canon.” However they are official source material and therefore should be accurate to canon. So, for clarity, and for those who haven't read this comic, Elena here is basically presented as if she is voluntarily a criminal. She's apparently stealing tech for money, working for some other higher level bad guy, and clearly has a grudge against Ben after what had happened. 

I’ll provide the relevant pages below, but Elena states that Ben was “rude” to her the last time they saw each other...when, in the moment she is reffering to, she had impersonated her way into Ben’s living room and had the nerve to get into an argument with him when she was clearly in the wrong. 

But Ben himself wasn’t even being rude to her in that particular scene, either. He was trying to explain why what she was doing was wrong. He only resorted to using the Ultimatrix once Elena resorted to violence herself.

At the end of "Parallel Paradox", it's revealed that Ben feels like Elena hates him, despite all that she's done to him. Which is interesting, since it doesn't seem to me like he's done anything to her to give her a reason to hate him. Not even supposedly being “rude.” It seems like it should be the other way around, really. 

I know that I wouldn't hesitate considering filing a restraining order against someone who stalked me, attacked my friends, kidnapped my significant other, lied to me, and then attempted to kill me twice. 

But Ben? No, AFTER ALL THAT...he actually wants to help her and wishes she didn't hate him for no reason. 

Or maybe she doesn't have a grudge against him for what he did do, but rather what he didn't do, in her view. The irony is that Ben clearly would do anything he could to help her, she just isn't accepting that help. She just wants what she wants and will stop at nothing to get what she wants. 

She seems to constantly be putting the blame on everyone but herself. And the first step to changing for the better starts with changing oneself by changing old habits and actively working to do better. It's even more sad that she doesn't seem to realize just how much faith Ben does have in her, despite the horrific stuff in Ultimate Alien. 

If she really loved him, she shouldn't let him down. But at this point, I don't know if that's the case anymore. 

Anyway, at the end of the day, what astounds me the most is that Ben isn't mad at her. I mean, he should at least have serious trust issues by now! It really puts things into perspective and explains why there even is an alternate future where a pairing like Benkai can happen. 

If someone like Kevin, who hated Ben as a kid and actively tried to kill him, can become his best friend, and if someone like Elena can also get away with causing so much unnecessary harm to Ben without so much as a displeased glance, why wouldn't he give a girl who just likes to bully and pick on him another chance? 

I still don't believe he deserves that, but I fear that is it is extremely likely, even if it comes from a good place.

And because he gives everyone 764845786448578 chances.