#liberals truly do my head in bro I can’t

[superm4ks]

‘Guys this is not good now they’re gonna paint the left as dangerous and violent and use this to make themselves the victims and characterize everyone else as criminals’ y’all really been white in this country. It’s insane to me

[whenimaunicorn]

Playing House - Part 13.1

Summary: Ivar clarifies your role, and Hvitserk reaps all the benefits. Words: 2588 Notes: Content Warnings for bondage (possibly uncomfortable), BDSM humiliation and dirty talk, orgasm control, roleplayed dub/noncon (now that the relationships are established I’m going to remind you less often that they’ve already negotiated consent and safety measures).

Previous posts:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

(Fic begins below the cut because it starts off with a bang, baby)

In your current predicament, the world has narrowed down to two things. The vulnerability of your body, and the total neediness of your cunt.

The two are most certainly related. Ivar is not one to make idle threats. When he told you over the phone that he believed you deserved punishment . . . it seems that he had immediately started making plans.

You’re alone, now, helpless on your own bed. Of course, it’s Hvitserk’s bed, this week. Ivar has bound your wrists to your ankles, and pointed you with your spread legs aimed right at the door. The open door.

What a sight Hvitserk is going to see when he walks in.

“You know you deserve this,” Ivar had said, trussing you up with methodical fingers. The way that he took your clothes from you, you’re not sure you’re going to get them back until Hvitserk’s no longer in town. “You had freedom, and you wasted it. Now you have to understand that you are here for our pleasure. Not the other way around. This pussy,” he said, giving it a sudden rub followed by a quick slap, “is here for our use. So . . . I’m not letting you use anything else for a little while.”

Your hands are tied to the insides of your ankles. You can try closing your legs, but your thighs won’t come quite back together with your arms bound right there in the way. Lying on your back as you are, the slit of your swollen pussy lips would still be visible between your raised legs to anyone standing in the doorway anyway. So why bother.

He had assured you that he would make sure Hvitserk “stumbled in” fairly soon, before you got too stiff in this humiliating pose. But you’re sure he’s going to stretch out the suspense as long as he thinks you can handle it.

You rock your body anyway, fruitlessly seeking just a little relief. After opening you up, Ivar had carefully applied a liberal helping of lube all over your pussy, inside and out. “I want you wet and ready for him.” A bullet vibrator came next, positioned carefully on top of your clit by a small shibari harness wrapped around your upper thighs and waist. “I am not turning this up high enough to make you come,” he said, matter-of-factly. “You are not to come until your punishment is over. This is here merely to keep you focused.”

And fuck, are you focused. You’re cursing yourself for allowing Ivar to learn your body so well, to know just exactly how high he can turn up the vibration without pushing you over the edge. And the pattern, fuck, that pulsing, wavelike rrrm, Rrrm, RRRM is damned hypnotic. You can’t possibly ignore it. And yet you want to sob every time the wave crests too soon, the intensity dropping well before the tension building between your thighs has anywhere to go.

An even more powerful thrill rushes through your body as you hear movement at the door. Lifting your head from the mattress, you see Hvitserk’s eyes widen, his steps arrested on his way into the room. He does a doubletake before his brain can fully process the obscenity he’s truly seeing in front of him. He glances back down the hallway, then slides inside and shuts the door with a shark’s smile spreading across his face.

“You seem to be kind of stuck, Y/N.” His eyes roam over the backs of your thighs, and what’s on display in between. There’s no way not to feel completely, horribly exposed to him. It’s so hot you’re probably about to start dripping all over the sheets. “Can I help you?”

You look him right in the eyes. “I need to be fucked.”

“Oh yeah?” he asks, settling down on his knees beside the bed, definitely not lining up to drive himself into you like you so desperately need.

“Yeah.” You nod, quickly. “I need it bad.”

You arc and whine when Hviterk’s fingers slide around your opening, gliding between your outer and inner lips. “You’re wet enough for me to believe you.” The pads of his fingers dip inside, but only shallowly, stretching the rim of your opening in a wide swirl.

“Fuck,” you sob. That’s a lot of entirely unsatisfying stimulation right there. You need to feel filled up, not stretched out. “Please, Hvitserk. I’m here for your use, so use me, fuck me, put me out of my misery.” You have crane your neck to make eye contact with him, looking down the line of your body and between your own legs.

His eyes are dark as he stares at your naked and readied body, which shudders with the strength of your need. His eyes flit up to the ropes that bind each ankle to a wrist. “Ivar did this?”

“Yes.”

His fingers slide along the thinner cord tying the vibrator down onto your clit.

“He said it’s my lesson. I need you to fuck me until I learn.” Having to explain this to Hvitserk somehow makes your predicament all the hotter.

Hvitserk moves in closer, until you can see his face between your ankles and don’t have to contort your neck so badly anymore. “That’s what Ivar wants.” His softly scratchy voice adds weight and intimacy to his words. “But what do you want?”

His fingers are still just teasing, up and down and around your entrance. He hasn’t even taken his dick out. “Fuck! Did he send you in here to test me or something?” You’re starting to feel desperate. “This isn’t about obedience, Hvitserk. I need to be used. I want it this way. I-I just want you to fuck me like a toy.”

“That’s it?” he asks, a wicked gleam flashing through his deep-set eyes. “All this��� he gestures at your body “is just here for me to play with?”

“Uh huh.”

He grins and nips at your inner thighs, and finally presses two of those long fingers into your pussy.

You throw your head back and keen your pleasure.

He toys with you, for a while. The relief of friction, of satisfying depth and pressure, starts to give way to fear that he might accidentally push you into orgasm before Ivar had permitted it. That hadn’t sounded like it would be such a hard rule to follow, when you thought that Hvitserk was going to come in here like the horny bro he’d been acting like before, and just sink his eager cock straight into you.

But even when there’s no contest to be won, Hvitserk evidently loves getting up close and personal with the pussy. He pulls his fingers out just to bring them to his lips, plunging them into his own mouth to taste you with a little savoring sound as he locks a promising look onto your eyes.

He’s not done. Hvitserk’s fingers slide under the ropes that bind the vibrator against your clit, then he’s pushing them out of his way and removing it.

You sigh, relieved to be free of the temptation and missing it immediately at the same time.

But then Hvitserk’s mouth replaces the device. And this is not just a taste. This is business, the same masterful pace and pressure that won him the contest earlier.

“No . . .” you wail at him, drowning under your own conflicting needs. “No, Hvitserk, Ivar said not to.”

He lifts his head just barely far enough to answer you, so that you can feel his breath against your slick and sensitive parts with every word. “I’m supposed to use you how I want, right? And what I want to do is eat this pussy like a birthday cake.”

“You can’t,” you insist. “I’m not allowed to come!”

He barely hesitates. “But I want you to,” he says, voice breathy and urgent. And he begins another round of his very best work.

There’s not really any other type of ordeal quite like this one. Pleasure blooms, white-hot and urgent, beneath Hvitserk’s tongue, and you can do nothing but grit your teeth and try to push it back. You could use your safeword if this was truly bothering you, Ivar had told you that Hvitserk was informed how that works. But this is a challenge you prefer to ride out, come what may.

You know Ivar well enough to be sure that he’s monitoring this, although you don’t see him darkening the doorway this time when you strain your neck to look. Perhaps he’s waiting just outside the door. Or hell, maybe the walls just are as thin as the boys keep saying. Either way, it makes you want to do him proud. Show him you can endure even this absolutely torturous pleasure, and follow his command despite it.

You manage to hold out, though internally you’re screaming. Your body is clenched in a line of sheer, stubborn tenacity against that insistent rapture when Hvitserk finally gives up, swiping his face with the back of his arm as he stands up. “Fine. Is this what you want?” He pulls out his dick, proud and rock-solid with a bit of a graceful curve toward the tip. He gives himself a crude stroke. “On to the main course, then.”

You sob your victorious agreement.

He grabs a rubber. Ivar had literally left a bowl of condoms right next to you, on top of a guest towel. It doesn’t get much more demeaning than that.

Hvitserk whips his shirt off and then leans over you, ready cock bobbing, and grasps one of your swaying feet in each hand. “This is so fuckin’ hot,” he intones, staring at the ropes. “Can you handle it if I leave you like this while we fuck?”

You let out a shaky breath and agree. You’ll stretch out later. This is, just as Hvitserk said, too fuckin’ hot.

The angle has your hips turned up rather sharply. He misses on his first attempt to enter you, cock slipping off your lubricated lips. He mutters an obscenity and then laughs it off, reaching down to line himself up better with an endearingly self-deprecating smirk.

It’s fun to watch him handle himself. You can’t do much to help the process, your body positioned precisely how Ivar wanted you left, with very little wiggle room. A lock of dirty blonde hair falls into his face as he peers down and lifts up onto his tiptoes to drive himself downward into your body.

It just got real, now. There’s nothing more grounding than an urgent cock pressing deep, deep inside.

Hvitserk leans over you, eyes going wide and tight around the edges as he sinks all the way into your aching pussy. “Fuck, you’re so fucking tight like this.”

Your eyes bulge a little as you agree. This angle makes you feel full as hell.

Hvitserk stares down into your face as he starts moving his hips. That eye contact of his, fuck. You’re not sure how to handle it. Somehow it feels more intimate than the rubbing of your naughty bits together. He fucks down into you with an increasing pace, his lips curling up in a cheeky smile. “This is it, huh?” he glances down, looking at the way your tits bounce between your imprisoned arms, at your upturned cunt swallowing his cock down. “What you were begging for.” He interrupts himself with a sigh and a smile, bites his lip as he repeats an angle that must be particularly good for him.

“Fuck, yes,” you say, relishing the relentless depth of every one of his increasingly-wild strokes. “Use me.”

He puts one knee up on the bed, balancing the movement by wrapping an arm around your raised leg, and deepens the already-maddening intensity of the position. He groans with abandon above you, guttural sounds as he does exactly what you’ve encouraged him to do. You let him rut into you with no concern for anything else at all, neither your comfort or your pleasure. It’s worth it; the rush of this feels better than any soft, candlelit evening you could get out of a partner that was focused only on making you feel good. This is so much more complex; it scratches a deep itch you couldn’t even begin to explain, to let every boy in this apartment use your body according to their own wild and selfish desires.

Hvitserk is going to come soon. You can tell by the way his face is twisting to one side, almost wincing, the pleasure apparent in the wild sparkling of his eyes as he continues to attempt to hold onto your gaze even through all of this. You can hear it in the way his grunting breaths are matching the rhythm of his strokes, and the way his thrusts have gone from fluid to insistent, driving at a tight, brutal angle so deep that you swear he’s going to hit your backbone.

He invokes your name like a curse when he finally blows, drawing it out into a long and ragged sound. He can’t keep his eyes open for that moment, making you feel like you can finally catch your breath just as he’s losing his.

He shudders inside you, sealing himself in deep as he comes down from it. He’s propped his weight onto one hand that presses into the mattress just beside your head, so you don’t have much of anywhere to look aside from his heavy brow as he sags in the air right above you.

This time Ubbe’s not ready and waiting. You can’t see the doorway, but if Ivar’s there he has yet to announce himself. This time Hvitserk gets to stay nestled inside you as long as he wants, and you catch your breaths together.

When he lifts his head, his eyes are glittering with easy mirth and hints of something deeper. You smile back, squeezing your inner arms into contact with his body. It’s the closest to a hug you can do in these restraints.

Hvitserk turns his head, following the line of your arm up to ropes that connect it to your ankle. “Let’s get you out of those,” he says gently. He withdraws his cock with a shaky breath and eases himself back up to standing. “I can’t believe you—” his mouth is set at a wry angle and he shows his awe in a little shake of his head. “I’m sorry I—”

He’s cut off by Ivar’s return, his voice a sharp, loud contrast that instantly shifts the mood. “Leave those, Hvitserk. I will handle that.”

Hvitserk had just been reaching for your ankle. He drops his arm and melts back a bit.

“Did you enjoy my gift?” Ivar asks, stepping in between the two of you. He sets his crutch so he can stand more solidly beside the bed, and looks you over. His eyes crackle with a deep blue fire at whatever mess he sees in your face, and the expanse of your naked skin. When Hvitserk doesn’t give much of a response, Ivar moves to loosen the rope at your closest ankle. “Would you like to help me give her the rest of her punishment now?” He spares one pointed glance for his brother. “You are the wronged party, after all.”

“That wasn’t the punishment.” He looks at Ivar with a raised brow.

“Of course not. She loved that.” Ivar says, matter-of-factly, and then his whole face breaks out in his evilest grin.

Next Chapter

Link to my other Hvitserk fics

​

[mingmingfufu]

Can we just talk about the ending of KawoShin open discuss. *sort of spoilerish*

I feel like I’m the only one who’s like reallly disappointed LMFAO--ya’ll there’s so much “canon” alternative universe and merchandise for Kawoshin in Evangelion that it kind of makes me upset to realise this couple just went down the drain. Yeah, I can see how people were like, “Kaworu’s toxic” or “Kaworu has a hero complex for Shinji” to which I say are valid points. But the toxic thing I feel like can also be applied to pretty much everyone around Shinji tbh, except for Rei. I did NOT, like Asuka at all but I really love her character though, and I felt for her a lot throughout the series.

I did not ship them either because honestly, Shinji and Asuka seemed better off playing the sibling dynamic instead of trying to play bf/gf which honestly is kind of forced by their living situation. Also since they’re in a similar disposition non existent father and dead mother, you’d imagine they would rely on each other for emotional comfort. Though Asuka—her personality I feel like she can’t differentiate between familial love and romantic love and the affection she wants is a bit of both. But, her character tries to be “mature”; she wants romantic love more and does this through sexual means and romantic gestures e.g. like kissing. One of my friends told me that you can’t stay friends as a boy and a girl cause eventually you catch feelings. Which I say is kinda dumb cause I have a lot of male friends, and I definitely don’t harbour those feelings, but I guess it’s a common phenomena.

I think this is what happens in this case, of Asuka and Shinji. Even after rejection of instrumentality they actually are depicted as childhood friends. But knowing how they both were before to each other, it was not good tbh. Also to mention the choking like thrice— bro if anything, this showcases a really abusive relationship and I think this outstretches the idea of their character tropes. Which I firmly stand by saying they’re superficial to each other. AsuShin were never really there for each other and are using each other in a forced situation. However, you can’t deny that they didn’t at some point catch feels, also Shinji is pretty consistent how he still cares about everyone around him. Which I really like how they add that to his character because it reminiscent of Yui, because you see a duality of both his parents personality in Shinji throughout the series—it’s a really nice touch. But bruh, if we gonna talk about that coma scene—I’m out LOL.

Thoughhhh, she is a true definition of best girl I really like her arc, fighting drive, and her skills as an Eva pilot 😭💗--but bruh she’s still a toxic and sometimes annoying tsundere trope, but still she’s 14 what can you do. So I feel like Kensuke and Asuka are actually a pretty good combo, cause he’s always been pretty mature even without parents. Also Asuka was into older guys, so I guess this is a win win?? Also Rei and Shinji, I honestly cannot get my head around it cause that’s pretty much his mom—so in a way that’s like either his half-sister or mom-ish clone?? Idk but Yui is definitely the donor LOL.

Kaworu and Shinji I felt like brought a bunch of things out of each other. I don’t know which timeline begins first, but I’d like to think the manga, the anime (plus its movies), and then to the rebuild series. Because I think that order is kind of pivotal to observing Kaworu’s character development from being a person who’s trying to understand human feelings to then the kinder person we see in the final series. You can tell how he’s changed and he knows Shinji a lot more as well as being considerate to him e.g. giving him personal space or letting him work at his own pace. Also that “we’ll meet again.” Is an obvious nod to how he’s done this before.

His literal story in every timeline is always romantic LOL, like bruh I can’t remember which game it was but basically a bad ending of Kawoshin route is that you reject Kaworu and he starts the third impact 🤡. Also I don’t know why but I started to see a weird dynamic between those two, in the manga their interactions reminded me of Asuka and Shinji—which Shinji is the tsundere Asuka here. I don’t know if this is relevant but the older character relative to the character they’re with seems to play off a mature vs a childish person trope. Asuka is younger than Shinji and Shinji is actually younger than Kaworu. Then again I could be overseeing this but istg manga Kaworu and Shinji mirror the whole Asushin dynamic. Like he’s seriously agressive against Kaworu, then after killing him he admits liking him. 🤡 I don’t know which is funnier no homo Shinji, homophobe shinji, or just closet Shinji who needs to realise sexuality is a spectrum so he could’ve idk—come out as bisexual, but whatever manga Shinji lol that timeline is over.

Anyways the development of these two is real and I think the rebuild timeline shows them at their best bringing their own personage out from each other like how they both enjoy music together--WHICH I’M SO SAD WE NEVER GET TO SEE THAT CELLO AGAIN. Then there’s those feelings of humanity, love, kindness, etc. Which yeah an angel could represent those things, but Kaworu is still his own person, self-aware of a cycle and if you think about how he initially was there to USE Shinji, but ultimately turned on that plan set by SEELE because he loved Shinji (and a bunch of other things like him showing Kaworu humanity). I also can see the argument, how “ideal” Kaworu is to Shinji, but he’s more self aware of the time he has before he KNOWS he’ll die and knows how to act for himself in that duration to make the most of it. All with Shinji. At some point, I think he fell in love with Shinji tho I don’t know where it began tbh—considering that all those alternate universes do exist. Kaworu does romantically love Shinji--so, in some universe they both reciprocate their feelings to each other. 

In the last movie during that convo with Shinji. Like bREH it’s so emotionally moving because Kaworu remembers ALLLLL the timelines and how he’s been with Shinji and later Shinji himself recalls the events too. Where they show the scene from the manga and anime. Kaworu cries after being set free from the EVA cycle. Which, I definitely understood what he meant by him saying “it’ll be lonely” and how Shinji changed or that he’s actually different this time.

Either way, Shinji did right by him because it’s always Kaworu who has the purpose of “trying to save Shinji” but it always ends up the same. I thought that was really moving because Shinji tells Kaworu he’s gonna let him live a life for himself for once and he wants the same for everyone as well. Which was honestly so meaningful cause I think Kaworu’s character and like Rei too when they start to realise how to “live” like a person and not another puppet it’s truly liberating. Another thing I forgot, bruh Kaworu calls Gendo his father and ngl I feel like this is kind of a weird lore situation because I for sure don’t think he’s the donor. I think he calls him that as an insult because he knows Gendo’s whole doing and relative to Shinji—I kind of see it as a joke LOL. Like it’s equivalent to saying, “daddy chill”, or “hey look it’s daddy and his plans to end the world” also I kind of like to think of it as a father in law thing cause you know, Kawoshin *winks amirite*

The ending, I’m honestly hoping is just an open ending because it gives everything an actual start of their adult lives not being dictated by extraterrestrial forces. Though, I’m kind of wondering if the world doesn’t have EVAs does that still mean everyone else still has the same backstory, and do they remember? Maybe Mari really is just a coworker lmfao, and there’s still a chance for Kaworu and Shinji cause ngl, they did have a convo (presumably from the spoilers) about still remaining close afterwards and that stare at the ending seems very hopeful.

I call bs from Anno saying, “oh Shinji is based off him and Mari off of his wife”, like honestly any OCs made theres always some part of yourself made into that character. Which is probably why a lot of people relate to the characters in EVA because they’re based off real things (e.g. those war machines characters are named after and people around them). I think why Kaworu and Rei are together at the end, is bc they’re very much the same. They’re mass produced dolls—which oddly enough that’s the case for all the children except they don’t recall the loop. Kind of funny also how both Kaworu and Rei became farmers lmfao so ig it runs in the family (yes that’s right I like the idea that they’re siblings it was always noted that they’re like “the same”).

Another thing, i think why the rebuild really did well for Kawoshin and in my opinion canonised it—the convo with elder Ryoji Kaji (Misato’s baby daddy) that there was a time he felt incredibly lonely and depressed thinking Misato didn’t love him and so he started looking out for himself. So self love and found himself a hobby in farming which he suggests to Kaworu—basically saying he might feel like Shinji doesn’t love him but he’s gotta remember to take care of himself. if I go thru a breakup ill feel like it’s the end of the world but Kaji says y’a gotta self love broe and take care yo self gad dam fam 😭 💗.

Though, that look at the end from Shinji to Kaworu—I’d like to believe there is still hope that one day when they’re a bit stable in their adult lives, they’ll run into each other.

[thebestworstidea]

Animal Skin

@dukeceitweek day 5 Intrusive Thoughts/Lying

pairings: Janus/ Remus, Roman/Virgil

Warnings: vampires, shapeshifters, blood, lying, sexy thoughts, unbeta’d

----

The first time Janus saw him, he thought he looked perfect.

It was a strange thought. 

No one was perfect, and no matter how good he looked in tight cut off shorts that barely contained his bountiful ass. No one was perfect with a wild fringe of hair, streaked liberally with silver highlights against the dark brown. Especially not with a haircut that looked like a mullet and an undercut had had a mongrel baby. His shirt which rode up when he danced, featured a sparkly decal of the Count from Sesame Street, and the fishnets that disappeared into worn Doc Martins that had clearly been colored with acid green spraypaint were sparkly.

He was a disaster, and he was perfect.

But Janus didn’t live as long as he had by courting disaster. So he turned away, even as his eyes lingered on the edge of a pectoral when the other man raised his hands as he danced.

The disaster’s name was Remus, he learned. 

It wasn’t as if Janus went looking for the information (he had), but their brothers had met at the same club, and had too much fun arguing not to become friends. Despite Roman’s claims that they were fraternal twins, not identical, they bore more than a siblings resemblance to each other, with the same liquid hazel eyes, cupid’s bow lips, and smooth dark skin lightly dusted with body hair. Roman, however, was not a disaster. He was more elegant, enjoying a more classic look, softening tailored suits by forgoing ties, and leaving the hollow of his throat exposed, shirt held closed with a necklace instead.

“Two buttons is kind of slutty,” Roman told him one evening, as they compared fashion. “But one? That’s just enticing.” 

Virgil scoffed at his friend’s pronouncement. But then he liked softer, informal looks generally swimming in oversized hoodies and soft, unfitted shirts. He wouldn’t even wear skinny jeans, even though he liked the look. Frankly, he was kind of upset Tripp pants had gone out of fashion, and still wore them from time to time, a fact that both his brother and Roman ribbed Virgil for frequently. 

“So what does that make your brother?” Janus asked, as a vivid image of the last time he’d seen Remus popping into his head- he’d been wearing a vest and tie without a shirt, and leather pants that laced up the side with multiple shoelaces instead of their original cord. He’d never considered the existence of butt side boob, but it now lived as they said, rent free in his head.

Roman tipped his head back giving a huffing growl.

“A penance I must endure.” Roman shook his head, thick dark hair bouncing as he did. “You’ve seen him”

“Once or twice.” he lied. It was more like every time he could, he couldn’t look away, and every time left him with more images that would surface without warning.

“He’s hard to miss.” Roman sighed. 

“So are you.” Virgil teased, spreading his fingers as he examined his drying polish. 

“Perhaps but I am a treat.” he took Virgil’s other hand and carefully began on it. 

“You’re not a snack, you’re barely an horderve.” 

 Roman gave an offended gasp, and wiggled a finger in his friend's face. 

“How dare you-” he started, and Virgil snapped playfully at the finger.

“Less than a mouthful.” 

“Virgil.” he said sharply, tapping his shoe against his brother’s foot. Virgil turned on him, lip lifting from the corner of his mouth. Janus tipped his head pointedly, his eyes opening just a trifle larger. Virgil’s snarl dropped, and a faint flush made itself visible, stark on his unnaturally pale skin. He picked up his sunglasses and hid behind them. 

“Aw, it’s okay my fair emo.” Roman teased. “I’m not really insulted, I know you love me.” 

“It’s stockholm syndrome.” Virgil grumbled, and Janus snorted, moving his foot away, and looking at his phone. Looking at his phone, because his mind filled with images of Remus again, some of them dressed up to match Janus’s dapper suits, and some dressed down, wild and sweaty and naked. He gave his head a shake and looked at the calendar app on his phone. 

It was fine. 

Everything was fine.

“Will I see you two at the club tomorrow?” Roman asked as he left. 

“No, family thing.” Janus answered, staring at his calendar. 

“Boo-” Roman pouted, and turned to Virgil. “Sure I can’t tempt you away?” 

“Nah I’m good. I’ll text you.”

“Then I await the gifts your fingers give me.” Roman purred at him, and cheekily turned away, getting into his car. Virgil watched it until it disappeared around the bend of the driveway.

“Less than a mouthful, huh?” Janus teased.

“Stop~” Virgil whined, covering his face with both hands. 

“So you’ve been thinking about devouring him?”

“Maybealittle.” he blurted out. “He’s just so… fragrant.”

“How can you tell under that cologne of his?”

“I just can.” 

“We have to be careful, Virgil.” Janus said genuinely worried. “If we aren’t we’ll have to go home permanently, and you don’t want that. Neither of us do.”

“I know.” he snapped. “I just… want.”

“Can’t relate.” Janus lied.

It was midafternoon when Virgil discovered that Roman wasn’t answering his texts because he’d forgotten his phone, the device having slid between the couch cushions. 

“I’m just going to run it over real quick.” He told Janus.

“I don’t think it’s a-”

“Calm down,” Virgil rolled his eyes. “You know I’m careful. I’ll be back in plenty of time. I bet he’s tearing his house and car apart like the princess looking for the pea.” 

Janus grumbled, fiddling with the cuffs of his shirt. 

“Fine. Be careful.”

“Oh please.” Virgil flipped his hood up and headed out. After a few moments, Janus heard the garage door open, and Virgil’s car drive away. 

He immediately began pacing. It wasn’t as if he was worried. Virgil was very conscientious and even more careful than he was.  

Worrying would be ridiculous.

Time ticked by, and Virgil didn’t return- or answer his texts. Janus got into his own car, and might have sped a little bit (or more than a little) as he went over to the duplex the twins shared.  By the time he got there, the sun was starting to set. Virgil’s car was parked outside, so he was still there.They had to go. He knocked sharply on Roman’s door.

“Hey hey-” the other door opened, and there was Remus, wearing yoga pants and a tank top which frankly should have been illegal in Janus’s opinion, never mind that it was the most banal thing he’d ever seen the man wearing, though he was still wearing eye makeup, smoky shadow and silver eyeliner “As entertaining as it would be to me to watch you cockblock my bro, give ‘em a little privacy huh?”

“What?” Janus demanded. “What are you-”

“Look, you’re the crescent to your bro’s full moon and I’m digging it-” Remus pointed out, “But you gotta let the boy get some, and my bro’s been gone on that for months.” 

“How do you even know who I am?” Janus retorted sharply. “We’ve never spoken.”

“I like to keep my eyes on the hottest people ‘sides me in the club.” Remus retorted, flashing his white teeth. “So you would be on my radar even if Ro-bro’s blood wasn’t boiling over your brother. C’mon in, we can have a drink and do hot girl stuff-” 

“No.” He raised his hand and went to knock again. Remus caught his wrist. Janus’s heart jumped in his chest, and his head swam at the cool touch of skin on skin. Images of that touch elsewhere on his skin danced through his mind at breakneck speed. Lies aside, he wanted,and he wanted badly, and tonight was no different and much worse all at once. He yanked his hand from a struck-seeming Remus and forwent knocking again, actually forcing the door open. A waft of musk hit his nose as he did, thick and heady.

“Now hold up-” Remus started, shaking himself from his stupor, and Janus growled at him flashing his own teeth in a much less attractive fashion. 

“Virgil~!” he called in a sing song, stepping inside the dim interior. “You’re late~! We have to go.” He cocked his head and sniffed the air. Where was he? Damn it, the smell of Remus crowding in behind him was distracting, even with the musk clouding the air. He whirled and Remus got a facefull of braids and beads. The scrunch of his nose and the curl of his mustache’d lip was not hot, damn it. 

“Back off-” he demanded. “I just need to pick up my brother, we can talk again later, and I truly am sorry for intruding like this-” he made the mistake of putting his hand forward, palm pressing against his chest, fingers brushing the curl of body hair that peeked out of Remus’s tank top. ‘Nice’ his brain insisted, and threw up more images. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t gotten a look at the rest of the body hair before. Then he heard a noise- a whimper maybe, and the musk was tinged with blood. He leapt for the stairs.

“Fuck!” Remus said behind him and the front door slammed shut. That didn’t matter, because someone was hurting his brother.The door was just an obstacle, just like the one in front of him that crashed open. 

“What the heck!” Roman said, turning eyes wide. Virgil stared over his shoulder, fingers dug into the other man’s bare back. There were beads of blood appearing under his nails, but that wasn’t the source of the smell. 

“Let go of him!” Janus snarled like his teeth were too big for his mouth. 

“No.” to his surprise it was Virgil who answered, not Roman. Roman to his credit, did sit up a little before being stopped by Virgil’s hands.

“We have to go.” Janus said, carefully enunciating every word. 

“You go.” Virgil retorted shortly. Roman licked his too red mouth, and smiled a little sheepishly. 

“I know this is kind of a shock-” he started. “But Janus, listen.”

“No.” 

“My turn.” came Remus’s voice right behind his ear, and a hand slid up, under his chin, cupping the bare skin, as an arm slid around his waist. Janus’s knees went weak as his mind flooded with images, not of Remus’s form, but of his own, in a way he’d never found appealing before. Janus knew he was good looking but he’d never- he didn’t find himself attractive. These thoughts weren’t his. “Oooh boy.” He felt Remus’s face press to his shoulder, and he moaned.

“Don’t hurt him-” Janus heard Virgil snap. 

“He isn’t, my love, I promise, he’s just distracting him.” Roman murmured soothingly. 

Janus’s knees gave out. 

“Fucking vampires.” he growled. He knew where he was, he could feel the carpet under his knees, but his mind was flying.

“That is one sexy pot calling a kettle black.” Remus muttered, having followed him down to the floor. He sniffed at Janus’s hair. “Fuck, I’ve never smelled anything like this.” 

“We’re not that special.” Virgil grumbled, grabbing his shirt from the floor. “Just shapeshifters.” 

“You ain’t special, moony.” Remus retorted. “But fuck.” He shuddered.  “Gonna let go. Don’t try and kill my bro, ‘kay? Fuck head got cream carpet. Who does that?” Slowly the hand slid away, and Remus’s arm released his waist. He could feel him backing off, and heard when he collided with the wall.

“Virgil-” Janus whined, shaking off the feeling of running that he’d been floating it when Remus’s skin touched his. “We have to go-”

“I’m fine, Janus, I promise.” Virgil grabbed his brother’s hands and hauled him to his feet. “Roman- he helped, it was…” he reached for words and they failed him. Janus stuck his nose in the crook of Virgil’s neck and groaned. He could smell his brother’s blood. 

“He bit you. He put his fucking fangs in your neck.” 

“He asked first.” 

“Gonna kill him.”

“Maybe we should get going.” Virgil put his hand in Janus’s braids, stroking soothingly. Roman sighed wistfully. “Can it you sap, he’s all full of the moon, and it’s going to rise soon. Which is exactly why I wasn’t supposed to stay.” 

“They’re going to kill us.” Janus grumbled and straightened up. He forced his anger down. The moon wasn’t up yet. They might make it if they hurried. 

“Where do you need to go?” Remus asked. 

“What?”

“I mean, I’m guessing it ain’t too far or pretty boy would have shown up earlier.” 

“The state park next to our house.” Virgil answered. “We usually walk.” 

“Bitchin.” reaching out, Remus grabbed a pair of Romans shoes and shoved them onto his bare feet. “You still smell like blood and lust, Ro. You stay here and we can have a great chat later”

“Remus, please.” Roman protested, huffing. 

“You dumb bitches can muddle your scents all you want later, but right now, they’ll whiff you out.” he got to his feet. “I’ll drive you guys back. Neither of you are in a state to drive.” He looked sheepishly down at Janus. “Sorry man, I really did think they were just fucking.” 

“What did you do?” Janus asked. He kept a hold of Virgil and his brother led him back downstairs. His skin felt too tight, like he’d forced a shift at a wrong time, it made his clothes almost hurt. He could hear and smell Roman trailing along behind them. 

“Empathic imagery. Kinda like psychometry.” he scratched at his hair. “People have to have the right kind of brain for it, but when I touched you I got some imagery from you, so-”

“You saw that?” Janus squeaked. 

“Yep!”

“Virgil, I’ve changed my mind.” he deadpanned. “Please kill me. I want to go ruining Roman’s rug.” 

Roman made an offended noise. Remus’s cackle of laughter almost drowned it out as he opened the door to the pink-gold of sunset. 

“Never said it was a bad thing.” Remus gave a wink, displaying that at some point he’d gotten Janus’s keys off of him. “We can totes get back to that later.” 

Roman dove in and stole a kiss from Virgil, tucking his hoodie around his shoulders. Janus was too mortified to take a swing at the vampire, and let Virgil shove him into the back seat. 

“I had it handled you know.” Virgil muttered to him as the car zipped off. 

“You could have messaged me.” Janus retorted. 

“Yeah, that would have gone over great. ‘Getting the moon fucked out of me by a vampire, see you tomorrow’” 

Janus growled and wiggled out of his jacket. 

“I think you’re jealous.”

“Virgil, you’re my brother and I love you, and I also love my car, which is why I am not tearing you to pieces right now. You have complicated everything, you’ve exposed us and you’re fucking a vampire.” 

“Not yet.” Virgil mumbled petulantly under his breath. 

“Argh!” snarled Janus at the ceiling, yanking his tie loose. The car pulled over suddenly. “We’re not home.”

“Nope, but we are in the park.” Remus retorted. There was hardly any light in the sky. “I’ll drop your car off and get back on my own.” 

“Why should I trust you?” Janus demanded, as Virgil opened the door and got out on the side away from the road. 

“Well, it ain’t a ringing endorsement, but I’ve had those thoughts kickin’ around my head for a while. Just didn’t know how to approach you. You’re uh. A little intimidating, even for me. I mean it’s not like I give a shit about most things, but you could unhinge your jaw and swallow me whole and I wouldn’t even mind.” 

Janus couldn’t smell any of the sourness that he’d associate with someone lying. 

“Alright then.” He stepped out and tossed his shirt into the back seat as Virgil did the same thing, pale body stepping into the woods, before disappearing into a smaller flash of white- a owl leapt into a tree. 

“Oh man, Ro’s going to be so jealous I saw all that.” Remus laughed to himself. Then he stopped looking over at Janus. His eyes dipped down, then came back up to Janus’s face. “Wait, I thought you guys were werewolves?” 

“I don’t think I ever said that.” Burning off energy, Janus flashed through his favorite forms- a full grown anaconda, a raven, a huge house cat and then finally ended up as a large black fox, amber eyes similar to his human ones. 

“Fuck you’re pretty.” Remus breathed. “So, dinner sometime?” he said, crouching down to look the fox in the eye. “Mice looks like it’s on the menu across the board, or we could hit the sushi bar?” 

Foxes weren’t really suited to rolling their eyes, so Janus rolled his entire head before following Virgil into the woods.

“That’s not a no!” Remus called cheerfully. 

Fuck. Well, if his life was a disaster anyway, Janus might as well date one.

[swamp-world]

God you know i actually fucking hate internet leftists??? like. jesus christ. get your head out of your “““theory”““ and step out of the fucking echo chamber for a minute. i get that liberals “aid fascism”, and i don’t put that in air quotes because i think it’s false, but because you need to do more than just SAY that. for the LOVE OF GOD PLEASE try interacting with people outside of your own political fucking bubbles. you are NOT going to “overthrow the government and replace it with unionism and a truly democratic system”, you are NOT going to “replace your boss with a coop workplace”--all of which are excellent ideas--if you just sit around going “LIBERALS ARE TERRIBLE”. like, holy FUCK, stop blaming people for being optimistic. no, I also don’t think that capitalism can be reformed, but you don’t fucking LEARN that overnight, you don’t just go from being a fascist bootlicker to being a tankie in the span of 24 hours and a single conversation, it takes TIME and building GENUINE POSITIVE FUCKING CONNECTIONS WITH PEOPLE. no, i’m not telling Black people or queer people or POC or disabled people to go out and debate their own humanity. you do not have to do that. i’m saying that you need to stop taking ““liberals”“ who are genuinely well-meaning and well-intentioned but simply do not have the experience and knowledge that you have, and YELL at them and talk about “hope they learned their lesson” and all of those “woman who voted for face-eating leopard party surprised when leopards eat her face” things because like. fuck. people are human and believe things, im SO sorry that you don’t realize that. were you birthed into this world holding Das Kapital? did you just fucking, pop out of the womb, and your first words were “workers of the world unite”? or did it take you years, possibly decades, to grasp even the basic concepts of this?? let alone actually dive into “the theory” and connect to communities that put that into practice?

stop telling liberals to “go read theory” because that’s useless. you’re not helping people. you’re telling strangers, new to the scene, to dive headfirst into what is genuinely dense political, economic, and philosophical work. i do that full time and it’s fucking draining, bro!! i wouldn’t know where to start if someone said “go read theory”, the only reason i had any idea was legitimately because a professor handed me a book that got me into modern center-left politics, and then a friend lent me Kropotkin, and then I hit the stacks and walked into the library and picked up a book called On Anarchism because it was the first book that I saw that was relevant. theory!! is!! exhausting!!! it’s hard to understand!! and if your first reaction is to go “haha liberal they got what they deserved” when they inevitably get fucked over by the people they believed in? if your first response to someone genuinely trying to get more information, genuinely reaching out and trying to learn? asking questions? is to say “go read theory”? your political position isn’t based on genuinely caring about people, it’s about superiority. you think that you’re SUCH a good person, that you’re SO MUCH BETTER than “those fucking liberal cucks” because you rEaD tHe ThEoRy when you turned 18. if your response is “they got fucked over, hope they learned their lesson” in a condescending way? yes, i understand that harm has been done. but for the love of fucking god, show some compassion. i don’t know what brand of leftist I am. i don’t sit down at my desk staring at seven different ideological streams of philosophy and communism or anarchism. i want people to have food. i want people to have healthcare and childcare. i don’t think people should have to work their asses off just to live and have a roof over their head or not freeze in winter. i think that we can’t trust the government in its current form, and that capitalism is bad, and that workers are exploited by their bosses, and that worker-owned cooperatives or housing cooperatives are great ideas. beyond that, I don’t know. because quite frankly, I don’t consider it my job to know.

listen to me--it’s not my job to have the answers to “what will we do when the glorious revolution comes about?”. What IS my job, is to talk to people. to listen to people. to reach out and help them. my job is to also learn from people, because i am not perfect. LEFTISTS: YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. if you go around thinking that you just need to convince everyone to “the way”, then you are not interested in learning from the people around you, you are interested in converting people without having to challenge your own beliefs, or without having to consider that ACTUALLY most of the world doesn’t understand the concepts of “alienated labour” and like, genuinely, how many people do you actually think understand in a way that can be applied terms like “proletariat”? of COURSE people are freaked out by leftists. of course when you say “Defund the police” white moderates get scared. i agree with MLK--that the white moderate is the biggest threat to justice and equality. but what are you going to do about it? a tyrrany of the (leftist) minority? eliminate the moderates? or are you going to actually reach out a hand and try to help?

[antpernas]

1/23/21

This day was... whew boy. A trip.

So, we started off alright, we woke up at an OK time but didn’t end up getting ready to do stuff until after my parents had left for work. At that point, we decided to *get it on* which was SOOOO much fun. Douching together was hilarious, and a nice little throwback to when we first met. It was also nice to finally have sex with someone that I truly, deeply cared about again, and (MOST IMPORTANTLY) to have it be reciprocated. The fact that it was good sex was just a nice perk :) Definitely boosted my confidence with topping, since it had been so long!

After we finished up, we started getting ready to head north! Our first task was to test my kayak and see if it would hold up under our combined weights. The answer; barely! But barely would HAVE to do, since the beach I wanted to take him to was only accessible by boat or by kayak. We loaded my kayak, and this time I made sure that I actually grabbed the oars! Then, off we went!

Before we got to the park, we made a stop at Joseph’s market to get some lunch. Oh my GODDD how horrible a decision that was!! Scorpio was, yet again, overwhelmed with the many choices available to him. He ended up buying various quantities of different items, as opposed to doing the dinner combo like I had suggested, and spent just a bit too much money on food. But, GREAT food, so in my opinion it was worth it! Though, I’m sure his wallet didn’t feel the same.

Afterwards, we made a straight shot to the park, all the while making sure my kayak wasn’t slipping off my car to go tumbling into traffic like a large boulder the size of a small boulder. I think Scorpio ate a little bit while I was driving, and I, as always, took the opportunity to show him more music. This time, I showed him the soundtrack to the sequel of the game I tried to get us to play the night before, which we ended up dozing off while playing. Once we got there, I parked so I could eat my food, then we started getting ready to launch!

Getting into the kayak was the simple partl. The real challenge was getting across to the entrance. Poor Scorpio had to sit in the seat and row us across on this barely balanced kayak, otherwise the weight wasn’t properly distributed. I remember him asking me to hold him tighter while he rowed, which was just... UGH butterflies! It was in this moment that I started singing “Go the Distance,” sparking a new, very unique step in my intimacy with him. Singing seriously was something I had never done in front anyone, and especially not intentionally. I felt very vulnerable, but it was also kind of liberating. And he told me it helped, which made me feel even better. Soon enough, we made it across!

The walk to the beach was gorgeous, and we ended up sparking a discussion about Disney movies and Broadway musicals, which was a part of my memories I hadn’t brushed off in a LONG time. It was also interesting to hear about some of his experiences with them. As much as I love to talk, hearing him talk about his past or his life at any time he felt comfortable sharing it was so amazing. It was almost like it made him seem more real to me, like he wasn’t just this perfect, extraterrestrial angel that brought happiness everywhere he went, but in fact, a human! It was nice.

We ended up singing some more until we got to the beach, which was choppy as SHIT. I already knew from the clouds that it wouldn’t be a good day for snorkeling, but to say I had anticipated the water to be that bad would be a lie. We ended up making an attempt for a few minutes before we just decided to swim normally and then walk the beach and chat more. At some point, we turned around to start trying to get to the exit, but we couldn’t find it! We ended up passing it and hitting the north end of the beach/island, talking about musicals and stuff the entire way there. We found a pretty cool abandoned jetty/pier thing, though, which was SUPER cool. We decided to risk losing the daylight and walked along it while chatting some more.

We got a ways into the path before he stopped me for a second and said there was something he wanted to tell me.

Oh boy.

He didn’t even finish the sentence before I knew where this was going. And then he said it. “I just don’t think I like you that way... You’re like a bro to me.” Surprisingly, I took this pretty well at first! I didn’t cry, didn’t pout, and I think I handled it pretty well. But then we sort of finished the conversation that we were having and it went dead silent between us. And THAT’S when I started to feel it.

I don’t even think I can recount the absolute rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts I had while we started searching for the exit again. I tried my best to be as sweet and enthusiastic as I normally was with him, but I just wasn’t in the headspace to do it, I don’t think. And halfway through the walk back to the dock from the beach exit, I just started choking on my tears. I remember just being so very... conflicted? Angry? Sad? I just couldn’t even begin to piece it together. I was disgusted with myself for thinking I was mad at Scorpio simply because he didn’t feel the same way about me, and I felt stupid for even thinking to feel entitled to that from him in the first place, even though, up until that point, it had never occurred to me that I was! I still don’t even think I was; my mind was just trying to jump to an easy answer to the questions I had bouncing in my head, and blaming Scorpio seemed like the most simple solution, even though every part of me knew that’s not what I wanted to do.

I kept thinking about it, though, and once we were coming up on the entrance, I finally realized who I was REALLY angry at; myself. I was angry because I felt stupid for devoting so much of myself to someone who never felt the same way, for potentially making someone I cared about so much feel that they were obligated to show me that same affection back. Once I came upon this realization, the waterworks REALLY started coming down. But it was liberating to know that I wasn’t truly angry at Scorpio. Really, all I felt in my heart for him was, and is, love. And it was comforting to know that there was nothing more to this situation than that it just. Plain. Sucked. We can’t control who we get butterflies for, and it just so happened that Scorpio didn’t feel that way for me. And that’s okay!

(Sidebar, he chipped his toenail soon after he told me that, and joked that the universe was already putting him in his place. I have a thing to say about that later.)

And this is when I asked myself one very important question; what’s next? That’s what I got to mull on once we got to the kayak and I had to hold him while he rowed us across again, still in silence.

Loading the kayak was a bit of a chore, but we managed to do it and started heading on our way. As much as I tried to hold back my tears once we started going, it just wasn’t happening. This was especially true once I REALLY tried to choke them back to finish talking about the soundtrack to the game I was showing him. The floodgates were OPENED. But it was a relief.

We started chatting and I got what I wanted to say off my chest; that it was all okay. That I realized I’m just mad at myself, and that it’s not his fault that he doesn’t feel the same way for me (not that he needed my validation or anything). I thanked him for being honest and giving me the chance to see him again, as well as this closure, and I apologized for being distant while we were heading back to my car. He was reassuring through all of this, telling me that it was okay, and making sure I understood that he still wanted to be friends, as long as I wanted to be.

And this is when I sort of came upon an answer to that question. I realized a LOT in that hour~ long period after he told me what he needed to, but perhaps the most important takeaway for me is that I just want to be happy. All the other details about situations are semantics; if I love someone and it makes me happy to spend time with them, then I should do it! And if it doesn’t, then I won’t. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if we’re dating, if we’re friends, or whatever it may be; I didn’t even have concrete definitions for those anyway, so this thought process was the real answer to all my problems. Do what makes me happy. And Scorpio makes me happy. So even if he doesn’t love me the same way, if he wants to be friends, then I’m thankful he’s not just cutting me out of his life and I get to spend more time with him some day! I just need time to get over the heartbreak and adjust to our new relationship. A strong relationship at that.

The “thing” I had to say earlier was that I didn’t by any means want Scorpio to feel as though he deserved some kind of punishment just for breaking my heart. I can already imagine it sucks to hurt someone you care about, and the last thing I would ever want is to rub salt in his wounds. I may poke fun about it in the future when we see each other again, but I would never want to make him feel as though he needs to truly be ashamed or guilty for being honest with me. It’s sort of for this same reason that I don’t like saying he “broke my heart.” Even though he did, just saying it like that paints him as an antagonist, when really, he was just honest with me, and he still means the world to me. He made me realize I need better friends, JAJA!

But, yeah! That was my internal journey, and after that all that was left was to heal, mostly. On the way home, I gushed more about the soundtrack and we chatted about my background with music. He said he was always impressed with me and how I’d taught myself so much about music, and it made me feel all sheepish, but good! We stopped at my old middle school and took a walk around the park/trail right outside of it, and chatted a little bit more about me and my childhood. Once we finished there, we hopped back in the car and went home.

For the most part, home was alright! The only weird part was figuring out our new boundaries, and since everything was so fresh, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to set them. Of course, the ball was in my court, but I didn’t want to suddenly turn on a dime and act as if I didn’t like Scorpio at all, because that would never be the case! My second greatest regret of that trip was not cuddling him when we went to sleep that night.

EDIT: I LIED we tried to play Monument Valley before we went to sleep but we ended up dozing off. Also we talked about our views on relationships when we parked at Red Reef park.

[stargazerinmoksha]

I've been fucked up. I cheated. I lied. I lied to her. I lied to myself. I hate the parts of me that let this happen. I got caught. She's willing to keep trying. We're still together. I'm trying to work on myself. Figuring out my mental health. It's way overdue. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. It feels like I've lost myself. I don't know much. I just know I don't want to be this kind of man anymore.

You want to know something really fucking crazy? That is exactly what it’s going to take for you to get better. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was look into her eyes and tell her that I’ve been with love others while I was with her. And she forgave me almost instantaneously, I could see it even if she didn’t say it right out. That’s not a slight on her part, it showed me her character and what it means to really love someone. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and the best thing I could’ve done for myself, for her and a future full of truth and honesty was keep it real with her. Bro, like on some real ass shit. I could leave work in 6 hours head home and get hit by a car and that’s it. I take everything that I am to the fucking crave. It’s honestly a liberating experience, confessing your sins and understand that it’s a part of your journey to really understanding yourself. I don’t believe in the whole cheaters will always cheat because when you cheated on her, you also cheated on yourself. That shit has real karma. It has a real implication of where you want to head in life. To have a real genuine and kind and warming and loving bond with yourself and with her, you got to come clean. You got caught, but it’s not the end. I was lucky enough to have a woman who didn’t shame me for fucking up and she never insults me or make me feel some way about it. That warmth and caring and understanding she chose to take, she even chose to stay. That shit means everything to me. I’ve never really truly understood what it meant to confide into someone all of your worst fears or most anxious desires that burn bright. Yeah, you are a fuck up. Yeah, you fucked up. But at least you’re man enough to own up to that shit, says a lot about you. I’m not saying that you were right for cheating, but you did right for admitting that you got a fucking problem. I’m starting my 2020 clean and I’m being honest with everyone about everything. I don’t sugarcoat shit anymore and I don’t hide from my true nature anymore. I am who I am and my mistakes inadvertently make me a better man, especially if I accept them for face value and just move on from it. If you really love this person, you have to really sit her down and tell her your needs and wants— also, maybe take some time to try and figure yourself out. Maybe there’s something missing in your relationship with said person, maybe you were intoxicated by infatuation— whatever it may be, just know that you have to make some real hard decisions on being real with her. As I’ve gotten older I’m starting to understand why they say we’re all connected because it’s true. What you do or choose not to do will affect you. Yes, you got caught, but you can’t go backwards— you move on from this. You grow. You get stronger and you love her right. No more lies. Be honest and just be present.

[megrimlocke]

How We Are All Going to Die Laughing

The other day, I was looking at a post made by one of my favorite internet comic artists.  The guy used to be something I’d read in the army newspapers, next to the adds for cheap TVs at the post exchange, but these days it’s mostly a facebook feed I occasionally read.  The artist and writer behind “PVT Murphy” (though these days Murphy’s a sergeant, I’m aging after all it seems) was annoyed at Facebook showing him a shopping page offering what amounted to white nationalist (US neonazi, if you prefer) paraphernalia.

Now, I pointed out that this was what the robot had concluded he wanted to see, and honestly none of us should be surprised by this.  Military members lean right, and in the age of Trump this means that radicalization is around every corner- though for the record it always has been.  In some insidious ways with a cancer of racists and bigots among our ranks, sure, I know because being gay I was targeted by a few myself, but also in more subtle ways.

I once watched a man scream at some Iraqis who were emptying a waste bin nearby, screaming that they didn’t get him, because he’d been the target of an IED attack two hours prior.  Those men had no way in hell of having anything to do with it, but the guy that hit us got away free and the trash guys looked like someone he could defiantly vent his feelings of helplessness and victimhood upon in a vain effort to reclaim his power.  I’m not condoning it, I’m just saying that sometimes the path to prejudice isn’t paved with propaganda and privilege.

I have every faith in the artist who draws PVT Murphy himself, but if you attract the attention of a lot of white supremacists, then probably the robot is going to conclude that you might want to look at some of the things that all the people who like your posts are looking at.  Hence the shop page that offered a wall pinup of a templar knight preparing to smite the saracen to defend (white) Christendom with a few crass remarks about Islam written on it.

Now I explained, in truncated terms, how the robot made this call.  The artist wasn’t excited about this explanation, and in fairness no one is excited about the black mirror showing them something ugly, it’s almost like an automated attack.  But the machine was really just trying to be helpful.  It wasn’t programmed to be sensitive to racial issues, and certainly the people who took out the add didn’t take that into their considerations.  It identified a pattern and arranged the delivery of data that conformed with its instructions based upon the data input.

Now, some right wing dude decided to join in this discussion to point out that the robot didn’t know what it was talking about, included the terms “lib” and “snowflake” in his post, and suggested that if the robot had any idea who he was it wouldn’t keep showing him liberal content- after all he always used the laugh react on it.  I pointed out this part as well, but I’d like to go into a deeper analysis for this discourse.

The right, and perhaps a lot of people using the reacts on facebook, has decided that you can use the laugh react to express a dismissive chuckle to the words of others.  I think this has several sweeping, problematic implications.

First, the people using the internet are using it to each other, and are either unaware of the robots they share the internet with or ignorant regarding how they function.  The robots do not interpret Laugh as a dismissive gesture.  The data they gather from this is that you were paying attention to something and decided to put a reaction on it.  The Laugh react is not a downvote on reddit, the robot, innocent little helperbot it was made to be, assumes you are amused by the thing you clicked on, and so endeavors to further tickle your funny bone.  In short, it’s your good-natured wholesome friend who doesn’t understand the difference between you laughing with liberals and laughing at us.  It thinks we’re all friends.

This leads to the second problem.  If you are a conservative and you do not care to be bothered with leftist posts, then using the laugh react doesn’t help you at all.  It further engages you with the content that annoys you.  The stuff that caused you to try and put on your dismissive “ha ha tawdry communist drivel” mid-atlantic aristocrat voice is going to keep appearing.  If you’re the sort given to conspiracy theories (and you are my bro, you still hate Hillary for the pizza thing), you might draw the conclusion that you are being targeted by leftist internet operatives, spamming your feed with leftist propaganda.

The truth is you’re spamming yourself with leftist content because your socially clueless helpful robot pal is gonna go out and find more things for you to laugh at.  You’re not special or important enough for leftist internet operatives to target your facebook feed with propaganda attacks, and you have damned yourself to an experience on facebook in which you are bombarded with annoying or even blood-boiling content.  All of this guidance, by the way, is equally applicable to left leaning users of the laugh react as a dismissive gesture.

What this does is contribute to people’s paranoia.  It makes them believe that an enemy that doesn’t exist is trying to get into their heads.  It fills their electronic lives with incendiary content that makes them angry and it encourages them further to continue to have generally unproductive electric arguments with people that they disagree with, leaving them exhausted by a brain full of cortisol.

Personally, I think the Left’s electric sin is more to do with our frankly superior witticisms (sorry Right, you invented and stuck to Nobama, you’re just not witty) and the craving so many of us seem to have for delivering that sick burn one-liner so cutting and succinct that it stops the conservative dead in his rhetorical tracks seems to consume online political discourse on the left almost as aggressively as call-out culture does when arguing among our own.

In the effort to sell us more things by pandering to our professed passions, the capitalist internet has created an electric rage engine that wraps you into one heated argument after another among people who are not listening to one another and who are learning to disengage from hard discussions.  This last part is so dangerous to our democracy.

To be clear, I’m not lamenting the death of compromise specifically.  There can be no compromise on the income gap, healthcre, free elections, or the rights of people who are darker in skin than I.  But the electric rage engine makes it difficult to even have conversations about these things in the real world, and if you’re not talking to the people you disagree with face to face in the here and now, your chances of finding compromise are precisely zero percent, nevermind actually changing their views.

Have you noticed yourself having conversations with people that could just be copy pasted almost word for word off the tumblr where they “informed” themselves about this topic?  I’ll bet that you have.  Or else, more dangerously, you have begun to avoid having such conversations at all with people.  Have you ever been in a discussion turned friendly debate with your friend and realized after a few moments that the debate isn’t suddenly so friendly?  I’m willing to bet it’s been a while, so much so that you might even be shocked if it happens.

People like to go on about how fraught the holidays can be because of how politically charged family dinners can be, but I can’t remember such an experience within the past ten years.  No throw down arguments, no discussions about the merits of one tax policy or another- we can’t even seem to discuss weighty matters with people who are blood kin anymore unless we already know they agree with our own views- and thanks to the electric rage engine, we can know, in precis, what their views are and what we think about them as a result long before we ever think about what to put in our covered dish.  The opportunity for someone stepping into a landmine social or foreign policy issue at family and social gatherings has been eliminated, and with it the ability of the dinner table to serve as a place for families to reach consensus by resolving their arguments.  We don’t talk politics with people who disagree with us in the real world anymore, we all just avoid it and spit our venom on the internet, achieving nothing but our mounting unhappiness and dislike for one another.

I have a young colleague at work, maybe 25, who demonstrated the ability to just promptly end a discussion last week.  Now it was a nonsense discussion and in fairness the participants had gotten into trolling him for kicks, saying a blue shirt was green on purpose or some other nonsense, I don’t remember the particulars.  But what I do remember vividly was the ease and efficiency with which he was able to simply end the discussion, how disengagement came so very naturally to him.  I despise the phrase “agree to disagree” because it means that the argument hasn’t been resolved, but it is at least a sign that there was actual thought going on between participants.  No such gesture here.  My colleague put down the conversation and simply went back to his work with all the ease with which you might put down your phone when you decided you were done arguing with someone, and the ability to do this in realspace chilled me to the bone.

Moreover, there is a certain epistemological nihilism that has arisen among us, suggesting that no one can truly know anything because the sources of information, with whatever omissions or biases they may possess, are a matter of consumerist choice rather than objective fact.  We can’t agree on what is real anymore because if you dislike someone’s account of events, you can simply get someone else to present a more palatable story and declare the other people liars.

If you don’t like what you read on NBC, you can simply tune to Fox to hear it told in a way that you choose to consume, often playing to your appetite for validation rather than your need for actionable information.  We like feeling right, and the consumerist information economy has identified that as a means to get our attention long enough to upload some ads along with our news video of choice.

If the very identity of a person can be expressed by a computer algorithm and 4 or 5 hundred clicks across news articles, think pieces, and shopping pages, how easy will it be for the people who do understand how the machines work to begin influencing who we are?

In closing, I think every single one of us is developing a progressively more toxic relationship with the internet, particularly when it comes to political discourse, and I think that if we aren’t especially careful our ability to simply shut down and switch off, while healthy on the web, is going to begin invading our lives in the waking world in insidious ways that will hurt our ability to function as a cohesive society. I think that the marketing robots and the very act of making a profile and posting to it things that are important to you are dangerous influences on our sense of identity, and that by wrapping our sense of identity in the ideas and products that we consume in such a contrived, calculated fashion that we are restricting our ability to be flexible in our thinking, making us less able to get along with one another.  

I’ve been on a soft departure from Facebook for a good while now, making it my loose rule to stick to messenger and instagram because I like indulging my vanity but for the most part I want to be interacting with people directly and not selling myself for likes when I use these things.  Real attention from real people  is much much better.  

In 2020, I invite you to join me in kicking facebook or your own social media vice altogether and bringing our political lives and our debates back into the real world so that we can practice and re-acquire the skills of persuasion and discussion; not as a cynic call to begin trying to convert every conservative we can find, but for the sake of a political discourse that serves as less of a battleground with immovable ideological fortresses and more of a crucible in which the useless can be burned away and useful consensus and meaningful, mind changing-discussions can be had once again.  We cannot afford to keep unsubscribing from one another if our democracy is to survive. (<- leftist witticism addiction in demonstration)

[moczothe1st]

Let’s Play Fire Emblem IV: Genealogy of the Holy War, Part 21: Thracial Tensions

Part 20

Welcome back to FEIV! You may recall last week I spent about an hour freaking out in terror over a teenage girl killing me, just like I do every week in real life (Go home, Jessica!).  This week, however, we have no enemies left on the map and get to enjoy a nice normal time of things as we go to save everyone from the broken and fleeing Imperials, and surely Travant won’t fuck it up.  

Before anything else, though, I use the newly-acquired castle to run Faval through the Arena, since he joined up after everyone else was already done.  

Faval: Seven wins, gained two levels:  +3 HP, +2 Skill, +1 Strength, +1 Speed, +2 Luck, +1 Defense

Not bad at all! End turn, and let’s get the story rocking along.

(Kinky.)

Travant, Ugh: Now’s our chance to help ourselves to the north, starting with Manster! Altena! I leave the capture of Manster to you. I’ll send General Coulter with you. If anyone stands in your way, suppress them without a second thought. I don’t care if it’s a little kid with a wooden stick. Cut them down!

(You may remember the name Altena from part one, if you think back; yup, it’s Quan and Ethlyn’s kidnapped daughter, raised by the enemy. And yes, just in case you thought he might have gone fully sympathetic anti-villain last week, this whole conversation is good proof he’s still a dick.)  

Altena: Hold on a moment, Father! I’m as eager to challenge the Empire as you are, but killing innocents makes no sense at all! We’d be better served forging an alliance with the liberators. We’re already surrounded by enemies. Why make more?

Travant: Altena, I have no interest in one of your little lectures. Keep your mouth shut and do as you’re told!  

Altena: But, father…

Arion: Please, Altena, just listen to him. Father and I must return to the capital.  We’ve some further preparations to make. Best of luck holding the border, Altena.

Altena: Arion… very well. I’ll do it.

Travant: Then don’t waste your time dawdling! Do it!

(What a dick!)

Travant: I haven’t seen a woman so brash since her mother… quite the family resemblance there!

Arion: Father, you surely must realize that Altena means you no ill will. You needn’t be so harsh on her.

Travant: Yes, that much is obvious, thank you!  

(I have to point out that this means he realizes he doesn’t need to be harsh on Altena, but does it anyway. What a dick!)

Travant: … Let’s head back to the capital, Arion. We need to ready the army to claim this peninsula as ours, once and for all!

Ced: I suppose it was only a matter of time before Travant showed his true colors…                        

Needy McNeedypants: The liberation army’s sure to want to aid us, but they still haven’t crossed the river! What do we do?

Ced: Everyone! Get out of here and run for Connaught! I’ll stay here and fend off the dracoknights for as long as I can!

Waaaaaah: B-but that’s impossible, Sir Ced! Not even you could survive a dracoknight assault by yourself!  

(*snerk* Yeah, Ced’s in mortal danger.)

Ced: I know, but I can’t risk any lives but my own.  Don’t worry. I won’t go down without bringing a few Thracians down with me! Please, we’ve no time to waste!

Poor Listener: Sir Ced…

Now. We do need to hurry here, but it’s most definitely not out of any worry for Ced’s life. Bluntly speaking, he could kill the entire Thracian army by himself, provided his weapon doesn’t break from hitting  them all too hard.  But the thing is, he’s currently a neutral unit, not part of our army, so if he wipes out the Thracians right now he won’t get a drop of EXP from it.  Furthermore, just like way back in Silesse, every one of those civilians we can successfully rescue will give a free level to the unit that talks to them! That alone is worth going to war with Thracia, frankly.    

Oh, and there’s some villages off to the east across a small mountain range, being burned by bandits. Because screw you and screw your happiness.  Time to start running, kids.  First, though, Nanna and Ares can have a chat; Cousin Fun Time!

Nanna: I’ve been hearing you’re the son of Lord Eldigan. Is there any truth to that?

Eldigan: There is. Of what concern is it to you?

Nanna: Oh, I knew it was true! I’m the daughter of Raquesis Lachesis, Lord Eldigan’s sister!

Ares: C-can this be?! Are you truly my aunt’s child?

(Why won’t anyone in this army say the word ‘cousin’?  Leif and Seliph are cousins, and they said ‘aunt’s child’ too.  There’s a word that means ‘aunt or uncle’s child’, writers!)

Nanna: Of course I am! You know, my mother was really worried about what happened to you. It must have been her search for you that brought us to Leonster all those years ago…

Ares: My father knew well that the stormclouds of a brutal civil war lurked across Agustria.  

(“He could have stopped it and saved thousands of lives, but that would have required admitting the evil king was evil, and he psychologically couldn’t do that.”)  

Ares: I was a mere infant and my mother was in poor health, so he bade her to seek refuge with her parents in Leonster. Alas, Leonster too fell afoul of a war of its own, and my mother lost her life to the Empire’s invasion.

Nanna: That’s where Jabarro comes in, right?

Ares: Indeed. Jabarro found me and took me in as his own, and with his mercenary corps I traveled the world and learned the art of war.

(“And then, he left my friend to get raped and mocked me for getting angry about it. That was awkward.”)

Nanna: SO that’s why I’ve never found you before…. Listen, Ares. My mother left me something to give you if we ever met.

Ares: Oh? What is this… is this… is this Father’s?!

(Ooooooooh, what is it?! A sword? Spear? Kickass magic ring? Go on!)

Nanna: It is! A letter from Lord Eldigan, and it’s address to you, Ares.

(… Lame.)

Ares: I can’t believe it…

Nanna: This should sort everything out! It says your father and Lord Sigurd were the closest of friends and held each other’s deepest trust.

(“It also says other plot-convenient things, like a detailed explanation of how you ended up getting your dad’s sword after he died in another country!  Also he stops to specify that he never touched my mother seven different times, which I felt was a bit odd.”)

Ares: So it says… wow, I… I’ve been so, so wrong for all this time…

Nanna: Please look after Lord Seliph, Ares. He really is depending on you!

Ares: I will, I promise you… say, Nanna. How would you like a quick lesson in swordplay. Here, pay close attention…

Nanna gains +2 to her defense from this conversation, and I enjoy that because if she’s going to be a melee fighter, she might as well go all out.  

Now then. There are six civilians to collect, and obviously we have more than six units, so let’s see who’s currently the lowest. Tinni is level 10, Faval, Patty, and Fee are 12, Arthur, Larcei, Dermott, and Lester are 13. We’re about to fight a shit-ton of wyverns, so Lester and Faval are gonna be just fine, and obviously Arthur is invincible; I’ll give two to Tinni, one each to Patty, Dermott, Fee, and Larcei. Thankfully, like actual people they do have the politeness to run toward us, so I can get most of them right away.  

Tinni: +2 HP, +2 Skill, +2 Speed, +1 Luck, +1 Defense, +1 Resistance

Dermott: +1 HP, +1 Defense

Patty:  +1HP, +1 Strength, +1 Skill, +1 Speed, +1 Luck

Dermott, what the Hell man? Though I guess Defense is what you need most of all, so… okay, I’ll allow it.  Way to rock out Patty, though.  Anyhow, my other two civilian rescuers don’t get to reach them this turn, but enough people do get there that no wyverns will be reaching them. End turn!

….

Yeah, the wyverns take awhile to get to you, nothing happens on the enemy phase.  Time to get the remaining civilians.  

Fee: +1 HP, +1 Strength, +1 Skill

Larcei: +2 HP, +1 Speed, +1 Luck, +1 Defense

Not bad! And off to the east, the team sent to clear out the two villages reaches the first one and removes a bandit with extreme prejudice…

And Seliph, taking advantage of his new horse, runs down to recruit Ced.

(“At last”.  You might notice that I actually arrived before those enemies you were planning to make a dramatic last stand against, bro.)  

Ced: Sire, I implore you! Save this world! Too many of us have already given into despair.  The city of Manster has been robbed by the Empire of countless young children. All were sent to dark shrines in Miletos… I… I couldn’t save even a single child. Me, brave? Ha! I hardly deserve such a lofty label. I’m just another coward…

Seliph: That isn’t true, Ced! If I were to fight alone as you have, I know there’d be precious little I could do. It was uniting the strength of my friends, a team effort, which brought us this far. And I believe that your strength could be a valuable part of our cause. Please, Ced the Brave. Grant us your power!

Ced: Thank you, sire… you’ll have my loyalty, no matter what!

So here’s Ced, Erin and Azel’s other child and Fee’s brother.  He’s… he’s really awesome. Ced is one of those kids who is impossible to fuck up, he’s going to turn out kind of overpowered no matter what; he can use both staves and any kind of magic other than Dark, so he has tons of offensive options. In addition his base stats are absurd, with magic and speed already within sight of the cap at level 14. Those are really all he needs, but he still also has decently above-average values in everything other than strength, seemingly just to taunt the enemy. If you pair Lewyn/Erin like the game clearly wants you to do, he’ll end up stupidly overpowered thanks to starting with Forseti and being unquestionably the best person to use it, but that does also mean you don’t get it back until now.  Ishtar says ‘hello’.

From here, there’s not much else to do; just run everyone up to the castle, and get ready for the wyvern rush. End turn!

Maykov: Men! Bolster our defensive line! Until His Majesty returns, we must protect the border at all costs!

(Bring it on, bitch. I beat Ishtar, you and your mooks are nothing but free EXP to me.)  

(… Why do you guys hate Johan so much? I mean, other than all the obvious reasons to hate Johan?)

Altena: Wait here with the squad. I’ll see if I can negotiate a surrender.

Coulter: You know I can’t do that. My orders come from over your head. You can spout all the lovey nonsense you wish, but the king forbids me to stay my hand.

Altena: Are you questioning a direct order from your commander and your princess, General?!

Coulter: These are my men, princess! If you don’t wish to partake yourself, then stand aside! Make yourself useful and watch our backs! Now then… is everyone ready? Prepare to strike Manster! Leave no survivors!

(You know, it would be easier to sympathize with the plight of the Thracian People if 95% of them weren’t total douchebags.)

Altena: Coulter! Get back here at once!

Why do they hate Leif so much?  … It’s the hair, isn’t it? Dammit, guys, he can’t help it. Bad Hair is genetic in this land.

All right, time to slaughter, I think.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Okay, only a handful of them are left, but Lene is in range of a few so she might die and force a reset here. Try to not do that, Lene. End turn!

… Seriously, though? That was… I mean, that one who died on Shanan could have stabbed my weak sissy little dancer. Why…? Oh, who cares. Let’s just finish them off.

That was fun. Oh, and we can run Ced through the Arena while we’re here. Gee I wonder how that will go.

Ced: 7 Wins, gained levels: +1 HP, +1 Strength, +1 Speed, +1 Magic, +1 Luck, +1 Resistance

Nobody even hit him. *sniff* Welcome to the team, Ced.  

And with that, we have crushed the original Thracian assault. Altena is still chilling over the mountains, she can’t fight us, so we start moving past her toward the last castle.  End turn!

Where did he come from?! Yeesh, that actually got me, I totally missed that one of the wyverns had run off to the side and was hiding over the water for some reason. What the what, guys.  And to the other side, one of the bandits actually moves to go after Ares! That’s also weird!

Not a threat, but weird!

Our turn starts, and Tinni claims my vengeance on the Surprise!Wyvern, Lana gains a level from healing, and Fee is clearly enjoying her work clearing out the last village.

Beautiful, Fee. For that level, you also get the village money.

Creepy Old Lady: Either way, I want to thank you for coming all this way for such a small and remote town. This here trinket’s a thief’s band. She’s an odd little thing: slip her on and you’ll soon find yourself stealing like you’ve done it all your life. Hoo hoo hoo! Take care of yourself dearie!

Hoo hoo hoo indeed. She does need some money, so this will be helpful for her. In the meantime, though, Tinni of all people already has the money to purchase the Paragon Band, so I have her drop by the shop to grab it, then shove her to the front of the army.  Oh, and Faval has been waiting to chat with Seliph for all this time, that’s nice.  

Seliph: Relax, I understand why you did what you did. You’ve nothing to worry about.  

Faval: I don’t think so, sir. Letting myself work for the very same Empire I’ve supposedly been opposing? That was shamefully half-witted of me…

(I mean, you said it, not me.)

Faval: Sir, I swear I’ll make up for my bad choices. I’ll do everything I can to aid you!

Seliph: Thank you, Seliph. We’re glad to have you.

The army runs forward, being harried by ballistae as we go, and that’s okay. Because it means there’s some healing to do on the way, and from this healing…

It is time.  

You know, on the next turn. Because on this turn, I kind of moved into wyvern range too. It’s okay, the wyverns are losers, we can-

…. Really, dude? Wyverns and ballistae? That is what breaks you?! I have never before wanted to leave you dead before, Ulster, but this did it. *sigh* Reset.  I do the last few turns roughly as before; they were mostly just random moving around anyhoo; this time, I have everyone stop right on the edge of the evil damn wyverns, so only the ballistae can attack us. We probably won’t die from just them.  And then, when we KILL THEM, we can stop in a nice defensive formation to protect Ulster from getting nasty booboos.  I also have Lana end her turn by zapping Julia back to home base after she gets herself the exact same pretty good level.

Let’s try this again.

Much less interesting; much more better.  Now, before anything else:

Uweeheeheeheeheeheeheehee. Look at that delicious +8 to speed. Speed is one of Julia’s most important stats, because her growth in it is only average; if she’s gonna get screwed at anything that she really needs, it will be Speed. That did not happen here.  UWEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

Now, time to remove some siege engines.

…. Erm… let’s remove… one. Siege engine. There’s a lot of mountains in this area, and it was hard to get enough units down there to… to actually help.

This may go badly.

… Or the enemy may totally forget that whole laser-focus death attack that ruined everything last time, and just randomly throw themselves against anything nearby, achieving absolutely nothing.  I mean, works for me, but…

Oh, let’s just finish this off.

Now see, this is the kind of turn I like, kids.  Ares and Nanna are still running home and won’t make it in time for the battle, but that’s okay; there’s only one enemy left, the boss. I stop to give Ares a village because he’s worth it.  

Info Master: With his heavenly lance, Gungnir, he dared to challenge the king of demons himself! Rumor has it that Nova of the Crusaders, ancestor of the lords of House Leonster, was in fact the sister of Lord Dain…

Oh boy, more Thracian political history. End turn!

,.. Oh right, there’s no more enemies.  Well, let’s just close up. I spend a few turns moving everyone up, only stopping to let Fee talk to her brother.

Fee: I’ve been looking for you, of course! I mean, you’ve been gone from Silesse for so long, and we had no idea where you were!

Cedsy: I know, Fee, and I’m sorry…. See, what happened was I was passing through Manster in my search for Father. I would have moved on, but the people’s plight was nothing short of heartbreaking. I couldn’t just leave them to waste away…

Fee: I should’ve known. That is so like you, Cedsy! And here I was, almost starting to forget why you’re so incredible.

(Oh God, they’re not gonna be another incest couple, are they? I’m sensitive whenever siblings act too nice to each other in this game.)

Cedsykins: You’ve joined the liberation army, then?

Fee: Yep! I just knew I had to help Lord Seliph.

Cedsy-poo: Is that so… you’re even more like Mother than I thought! Not once in her life did she ever turn her back on someone in need.

Fee: You’re just like her too, Cedsy…. Poor mom, though. Just thinking about how Dad left her… it makes me so mad!

Cedsy Wedsy Pudding and Pie: I still can’t make sense of his actions. What could he have possibly been thinking…

Their dad was Azel, and I’m pretty sure he died at Belhalla.  See, the game sort of assumes their dad is Lewyn, because… well, because the game does everything short of have Lewyn and Erin already be married when they join, mostly. Anyway, this conversation gives Ced a point of Luck, because he really needed it.  

Now for the boss!  This guy is not particularly dangerous, not gonna lie to you here; however, you should not fight him at range if you can avoid it. Whyyyy?

E-yup, Jamke’s old Killer Bow!  Neither of our archers really need it, so there’s no need for them to get fighty over it; in fact, I think I’m going to try to get it to Leif, since he can use bows after he promotes. Besides, you really do not want to fight this fucker at range, have him activate Pavise to survive it, and then crit you with that thing.  Melee units, to the front!

*sniff* I love it when a plan comes together. Seliph, bring us home.

(… You mean they’re a level lower, right?)

Seliph: It almost feels as if each blow is fueled by pure desperation…

Lewyn: Thracia’s always had a bad lot in life… much of its land is consumed by mouintains, farming its own food is a near impossible task, so they struggle to keep themselves fed. Thracia’s men seek mercenary work to find the money to stay alive, while its women are stuck in whatever dreary jobs they can dig up.  Don’t get me wrong, King Travant is an awful man, but there’s far more than his own petty gain at stake in his schemes.  

(Protip for writers: If you want people to find your anti-villain sympathetic, be sure to keep his smug cackling, kidnapping babies, and ordering the mass slaughter of civilians to a minimum.)

Lewyn: The Thracian army is as loyal to Travant as they come. They ardently believe it’s him who will guide Thracia out of its endless famine.

(“I mean, yes, he’s been trying for almost two decades with no results and has now led them to another crushing defeat the instant he chose to become involved with international affairs again… but… look, they’re loyal, not smart.”)  

Seliph: I see… that does make sense…

Lewyn: The thing is, no amount of poverty can justify Thracia’s aggression.  Travant’s brand of nobility and justice would never be accepted anywhere else in the world. All other nations can see are rowdy aggressors who threaten their peaceful lives. As harsh as it may seem, Seliph, I trust you know you can’t afford to stay your hand here. The Thracian royal family is the enemy, and a grave threat to the north’s peace. Stripping them of power is the only choice. That task falls to us, and we can’t fail now.

(Dammit, game, stop making me agree with Lewyn!)

And with that, Altena flies away, and the battle ends. Be sure to sign in next week when we… *sigh*… spend another map worth of Thracian peninsula politics.  Good times, good times. At least we finally get a wyvern knight in the army! And I don’t consider that a spoiler because neither does the game, bluntly.  Laters!  

Resets: 25. Way to drop the ball in the 9th inning there, Ulster.

Part 22

[fluidforthought]

The Gender Tag

I thought this could be fun.  I know, I know I am really late to the party... but that’s ok :).  I’ve only just begun to dive into gender so this is all new to me and I’m excited so let’s do this!

Q. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

A.  I would identify as genderfluid, but also have just become aware of the term transmasculine.  Genderfluid means, to me, that I fluctuate between the opposite ends of the gender spectrum.  One day I feel far more masculine but I don’t have a problem with looking beautiful as a women either.  This is where the term transmasculine might serve more purpose for me.  However, right now in this moment I prefer to masculinize myself over feminize.  I am much more overall comfortable and confident with myself when I present more masculine despite being born a female.  

Q.  What pronouns honor you?

A.  This is tough for me right now.  I would say I prefer either she/her or he/him over they/them.  For me personally they/them feels impersonal.  I have not asked anyone to change or use he/him when referring to me but I often refer to myself as he/him (I tend to use words like boi and bro when referring to myself.  I don’t feel that right now it is a big problem for others to continue with she/her.  I do not like being called a woman though, I don’t like the word woman, and I can’t explain why.  That being said I don’t know that I want to be called a man either.  This is obviously something I am still trying to work through myself, so what a long answer.  In a perfect world it would be cool if everyone could tell what gender I was representing on any given day and choose the appropriate pronouns, but they aren’t a huge deal to me.  Right now anyway.  

Q.  Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. 

A.  T-shirts and jeans or shorts, tennis shoes.  I’m in the process of amping up my wardrobe to fit what I see in my head.  I’ve been wearing bro tanks and khaki colored knee length shorts for the summer, some casual dude shoes or flip flops from the guys section.  I’ve realized how much I love bow ties and neckties and have begun a collection of them, and would like to grow my button up shirt collection.  I bought some very sleek men’s dress shoes too.  I want my clothing to be the definition of dapper.  Gentlemanly.  

Q.  Body hair... how do you style your hair, do you have facial hair, and what do you choose to shave and not to shave? 

A.  Right now my hair on my head is tall on top and shorter on the sides.  I’m trying to figure out how I want to deal with it haha.  I either just toss a hat on my head or comb it over and throw some Old Spice Fiberwax in it to add volume.  

I don’t have facial hair because, well, none grows there.  I wonder if I would look cool with a beard?  Idk, I have never thought about that... but I’d need some help from T for that.  

I like to have clean shaven legs and armpits.  I’ve tried growing both out but I just get so uncomfortable and itchy, I can’t get myself past the itchy stage.  I’ve always liked the idea of being able to be more free with that but the discomfort is too much for me to handle.  I don’t shave above my knee though, and that means I don’t shave my junk.  I remember trying to shave that area when it first started to grow but, I hated it so I just let it go.  Needless to say it's probably been 8-10 years since I’ve done anything with that.

Q.  Do you choose to wear makeup?  Paint your nails?  What types of soaps and perfumes do you use?

A.  I didn’t wear makeup until I came to college.  I finally starting learning my freshman year and tried to wear it as expected.  But I hated how dirty in made my skin feel.  How cakey and greasy.  And there is a particular smell to a full face of makeup that I just hate.  So gradually I quite and now four years later I am back to not really ever reaching for makeup.  I take pride in the fact that I am comfortable without it.  Occasionally I like to dabble with it though, it’s a fun hobby but not a necessity.  

I don’t paint my nails any more either.  I used to a lot but it was so much work that never lasted long enough for it to be worth it.  So now I am in love with my natural nails and I have a hard time thinking about painting over them, they are healthy, no need to change them.

I’ve switched to men’s soap in the shower, a matter of fact I made the bold switch to cheap 3-in-1 soap so I don’t even buy shampoo and conditioner and body soap any more, I just use all the same stuff from one bottle. I do have a wide selection of perfumes as I wen t through a bath and body perfume phase a coupe of years ago but have faded out the use of those over time too.  I bought a cologne that I wear on “special” occasions, and I tend to use men’s deodorant (IT WORKS BETTER, and smells tasty too). 

Q.  Have you experienced being misgendered?  If so how often?

A.  I experienced this for the first time about two weeks ago!  I wear swim trunks and a tank to the pool and I was climbing out of the pool and a guy was walking past and he nodded and said “what’s up man?” This caught me off guard but I kind of liked it.  Because he perceived me as a male instead of a female which has never happened before, which means I was passing as I was expressing to an extent and that was a really epic feeling.  A little kid once called me sir due to my short hair but his mom was quick to correct him saying that I was a lady.  I didn’t like that.  

Q.  Do you experience dysphoria?  How does that affect you?  

A.  I wouldn’t say I really experience dysphoria.  But I do experience a lot of euphoria.  When I am going about my life as a female I don’t excessively hate any of my parts.  I don’t experience feeling disconnected with my anatomy.  However, when I pack, I feel absolutely on top of this world.  I am far more confident in myself and more courageous.  And it has only been the last couple of months where when I am packing I wish so badly that I had a binder, to simply complete the feeling, the whole desired expression.  But when I don’t pack I don’t feel any less than I am which I am very thankful for.  

Q.  Children, are you interested?  Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you?  Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have? 

A.  Children is the hardest question ever!!  I still feel confused about whether or not I want them.  I’ve always felt like I would want to carry a baby, to experience that intense connection with a human being for 9 months, I’ve always thought that I would like to understand what it is like to be pregnant.  But I’ve never really seen myself keeping it (like maybe I carried it as a surrogate or something).  I’ve never felt very comfortable around kids, I don’t know how to act or talk or simply be with kids without feeling an insane amount of awkward.  I don’t know why this is the case I have four younger siblings I should be comfortable.  

I don’t think I would resent having a kid if it happened, especially if it was with a long term partner, the thought of a small family is something I have always loved but just never decided if it was really what I want.  Maybe fur babies??? ;)

If I did have my own kids of course I would want to be the primary caretaker, well me and my partner together.  I would want to be able to support them and love them and teach them and watch them grow everyday.

Q.  Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one?  Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have?  Do you prefer to pay for things like dates?  Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you? 

A.  Money isn’t as important to me as it probably should be.  I have always wanted to put love first.  I believe that with love, you have everything.  But if I did have a family absolutely I would want to be able to provide for them.  I would want to be able to spoil them and surprise them.  I would want to be able to set up autopay for my bills because I had money left over every month and never have to worry about waiting for the next paycheck before I could pay the electric bill.  

I don’t care who makes more money, that shouldn’t matter, setting unfair pay based on gender aside...  I don’t like that competition.  

I wouldn’t say I prefer to pay for dates, I like to take turns.  If the date was my idea I pay, your idea?  You pay.  Evening stuff like that out I think is important.  And yes I am uncomfortable when someone offers to pay for me, and that goes for EVERYONE,  even my grandparents.  I want to pay sometimes, again, let’s even things out.  I always feel obligated to pay back.  

Q.  Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

A.  I didn’t even realize I needed to step back and look at gender until a year and a half ago.  And now that I have, I fell so proud of myself.  I’ve made baby steps to feeling more comfortable in my own skin.  I have realized that I don’t need to be so concerned with what others think, I am me and that is truly all that matters.  I have never felt so confident.  I am talking to strangers, I’m sharing love with people when I used to feel the need to bottle it up and save for very specific people.  But everyone is deserving of love.  

I keep saying I feel my heart has grown three sizes sense I started looking at my gender.  I feel more open and accepting than I ever have before and that is liberating.  I’m sharing more and more of myself with people when I’ve always been so, so shy and quiet.  I’m letting people in and I’m allowing myself to form in the public eye and I’ve just never felt so excited!

I’ve realized that I simply want to be a gentleman, so that is just what I will be.  

[caconymhypocrisy]

Private Journal Entry - Jan. 2, 2021

February 2, 2021

Dirty. I just feel dirty. But I kind of like it.

I went to work today, woke up super tired. It sucked. Life feels heavy. There’s other shit I should be doing. Productive stuff. Like getting a real job. Applying to schools. Wow, I wonder where I’ll be in 5 years. People usually make that a plan, right? Fuck it. Fuck I’m depressed.

Things will get better soon.

For now, it’s just episodes of stupid shows, watching [that other show] again, and… lots of porn. Gross. It feels gross just to write it. It is still fun to type though. And I think it’s good for me to just express myself on the keyboard. Just writing whatever comes to mind. Fuck it.

This is [my] Private Journal.

Time heals all is what they say, right?

Why do I like porn so much? I feel like I’m just catching up on the years I lost with [her]. It’s so confusing. I miss her, but I don’t. She’d always complain about how we didn’t have enough sex. And I’d always complain about not getting enough alone time. She, of course, thought I wanted to be alone just to jack off. She wasn’t wrong. But also, I just wanted to be alone. I do other stuff too. It made her feel bad when I’d watch porn, like she wasn’t good enough, not hot enough. Or something. I don’t know… the sex was good with her. She did gain weight a bit (we all did during quarantine, and that’s just a thing when you’re together for a long time), but she was still very, very hot. She complained that I wasn’t going down on her enough. Well, I didn’t want to. I wanted to watch porn. Does that make me bad? Was it that I wasn’t attracted to her? I mean I did want to go down on her, but when like, I’m in the mood. When I’m feeling horny. When she makes me feel respected. When I’m not tired of being with her EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. Just give me some space, you know? Just the nagging was a turn off, the chilling together was fine, great even, (those are actually the times I miss the most) but it’s like, give me some time to miss you. Give me time to want you, to long for you.

And now I find myself dissolved in that longing.

I think that I was. I do miss her. But the thing that was off-putting, the thing that didn’t keep me “engaged” or whatever (she’d always complain about how I would never instigate sex) was her lack of respect for my boundaries. I was with her all the time. All the time. When I wasn’t at work, I was with her. When I wanted to see a friend, she either insisted on coming, felt insulted about not being invited, or simply threw a fit because she couldn’t get along with my friends.

I think I would have been more “inclined to instigate” sex if she had respected those boundaries. Those nights when you need “bro’s night” or seclusion, sometimes to masturbate (let’s be honest, it’s great), but also sometimes just to be alone. To think. To write. To be a person.

It seems a bit stupid to write down all these thoughts. It seems repetitive in my head. I’ve been feeling this way for the last few days (shit, a week now? Almost), but it is just nice to type. To know that I can write anything, let my fingers let out emotions that my voice doesn’t have. And even if I did voice these thoughts, no one is here to listen. Fuck the quarantine. But also, this event is making me rethink my friends.

I mean I’ve talked with them. That’s nice. It’s good to let stuff out. But do they listen? Empathy is a hard thing to come by. I know they’ll be here for me when I need them. Do I need them?

Yes. And this writing shit I’m putting down is just a bitch-load bunch of bullshit that no one would want to hear about. Yes. That’s why I’m writing. To just get my feelings out. To just put them to words. Because my friends are good, but they don’t want to hear about all this shit. I sound like such a pussy. ([she] wouldn’t like the use of that word. She thought it sounded… like… sexist, or patriarchal or something.)

So maybe this is the good thing about writing in this private entry. Just type. Think. Write it out and no one can see. Just express myself. Whatever. Fuck blah bleep bloop blorp omg fuck I spelled a word wrong – who the fuck cares?!?! This is my journal, and I will write what I want.

How liberating, you dumb fuck. This freedom you found came with the cost of loneliness. Are you happy sitting around all day, watching mindless tv and jacking off?

Well, presently, yes. Actually, I wish I could stay harder for longer. The girls you can find online are so fine. And that wave of… whatever hormones or feelings or whatever… it feels so good. Until you can’t anymore.

Then when it’s over the wave of depression comes back, and you find yourself writing to no one.

Also, there’s the coke and the booze. That’s probably why I can’t keep it up for too long. Man, writing is fun. I should really put some thought into writing a book or something because this is fun just to type. But this is just some nonsense bullshit that I’m spitting out. This isn’t anything. I don’t think I’m a good writer. I don’t think anyone would want to read this. This is just some rambling thoughts of a 20’s something kid, bitching about a life that, honestly, he probably doesn’t deserve. Life is too good for me to feel depressed.

Yet I suppose that’s how life is. Who’s to say which personality would fit best in which body or environment? That’s a stupid fucking philosophical thought. Dumb shit. God that’s generic, pretentious. Only someone in my gifted place would have a thought like that. Good ideas don’t come from places like this: fucking over-privileged, cis-gendered, white, straight males are the most over-used source of bullshit that created this bullshit society we are left with today.

I had a goddamn breakup. I don’t even know if it was love. We didn’t have a family, we didn’t share a home, and there was nothing truly at stake. So now I’m having some emotions. Deal with it you shit bag. Everyone goes through hard stuff. And this is petty compared to REAL, real shit. Some people lose children, homes, families, LIVES for god’s sake. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

But this is my journal. This is the point. Emotions are ok. Get them out. Write them down. Let them go and move on. MOVE ON, you dumb fuck.

Also, try to be nicer to yourself.

Let’s talk about strengths some time. What is it I love about myself?

[Friend’s name], my dear friend TRON, one of my oldest companions, a “day-one” dude, as they say, said something very encouraging recently. After I bitched about, “not being anything blah blah worth anything blah blah and people have already done everything and I have no passions and idk what I’m doing all that blah blah.” He said, “Yeah, but there is only one [you]. You are the only one who has your specific talents. Your specific traits that can improve the world. Improve your world.”

I don’t think that’s exactly it. But it was something like that. At least that’s how I’ll remember it. It was probably more profound. The meaning came across as something profound.

He’s right though, right? I got to do something, right? Here I am typing with a capable body, writing to no one, bitching about shit that is ultimately advantageous in this fucked up society, and I can’t do something good? I can’t find a purpose?

Well, maybe purpose isn’t the point. I don’t need a purpose to be happy; I just want to be happy. I want to make other’s happy. I think those two things go hand in hand.

God, fuck, the world is so fucked up. But maybe I can do something about it!

I just feel so fucking sad. I don’t know where to start. I mean, I do. But I don’t want to. I wish someone was here to help. But no, you’ve been typing for a while now, bitch, do it yourself. Discipline comes from within. Just do it. JUST FUCKING DO IT. JUST FUCKING DO SOMETHING.

UGH. Fuck depression. I hope writing all this down helps. God, I wonder how this would sound if I read it back to myself. I’d love to share it with someone, but I wouldn’t like to read this if someone else wrote it. Fuck.

Where do we go from here?

[dpargyle]

don’t reblog.

(feel free to dm me though – my demons have been particularly LOUD recently)

I’ve scrapped yet another writing project…do i even like writing anymore? did i ever actually like writing? do i wanna stop trying to force myself to do something I may never have actually never liked and I just convinced myself I did cuz I didn’t see many other options for myself back in the day?

do i want to live where i’ve been living for seven years anymore? (NO!) do i wanna live somewhere warm? (YES!) somewhere more liberal than this Atwood-ish theocratic state (YES!) do i wanna leave America?  (I think I’m done with this entire country tbh - it’s never really given me a reason to stay and now it’s rapidly dissolving into ruthless feudalism - but where the fuck else am I gonna go?  The callous blood barons of this world seem inescapable.  I don’t think I have enough $)  I’ve never felt the American Dream invited people like me to the table.  That’s been a big #mood for me since that great pustule on the ass cheek of history was elected…  

I’m more fortunate than many, I know this, but still –

disability feels like a crime society never forgives you for. 

I spend 90% of my life these days by myself, since my bro moved away (no exaggeration)…it’s too cold to go out. And even if I did - meat-space friendships seem so hard to forge.  So I only have these thought spirals to keep me company most days…

I dreamed of writing/making art for longer than I can remember but now when I sit down to actually do the things…fear and terror and self-hatred and failure and PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE all build up and it’s like I can’t even breathe let alone write…- it’s like if I don’t do this WTF is the point of me I’m just wasting food and air…(don’t worry I’m not suicidal just dramatic – I promise.)

I put everything into my writing and my art. I’ve put all my energy (which I don’t have a lot of) into it – I’ve tried to store some energy for making meat-space connections but they never work and when I’m out there it’s like the little voice in my head is all WHY ARENT YOU WORKING YOU SHOULD BE WORKING YOU HAVE NO MONEY YOU HAVE NO WORDS OUT IN THE WORLD NOBODYS GONNA REMEMBER YOU WHEN YOU’RE GONE why are you wasting your time nobody likes you anyway YOU HAVE NO WORTH so my deep desire to connect with people in a metaphysical, legacy-sense forces me to fail at genuine, concrete connections in the meat-space.  

Sometimes I lie there at night and think of what a failure I’ve made my life.  I’m 28 and what do I have to show for it?  When I was 5 -  I promised myself (I made a sacred vow!) by the time I was 30 I’d be a working writer with a wife and a dog and I know I got two more years and yeah I was super ambitious and weird as a kid (still am – maybe that’s the problem lmao(sobs)) (also why did I think a vow would help with finding a loving companion lmao??)– but I feel the gates of success and worth and happiness are all closing and – as always – I’m gonna end up out in the cold.  All alone.

Worst of all, I deserve it.  

In my head I know this is a lie.  But in my heart…in my heart - I believe it.

Cuz sometimes, kids -  Sometimes I really hate myself.  I hate my work ethic.  I hate my garbled yoda fucking a herd of dying cows garbage voice.  I hate my body.  I wish…

I wish I lived in a body I believed (truly believed) was beautiful and worthy of another’s love.  Another’s touch. (o gods I wanna be touched so badly)

But the truth is I don’t.  

Quite often I wish I were a different person.  That I could walk.  Run. Fucking F  L          Y…   That I was brave.  Beautiful.  Bold.  That I knew and understand – with all my mended heart – those truths.

That I could say all the things my broken fucked up brain and heart won’t let me say right now.  What I’m too afraid to say right now…  

That I knew who I was.  Liked who I was.  Loved who I was.  Loved – and actually knew how to enjoy – the life I lead.

That I was comfortable in my own skin.

That I wasn’t so fucking scared all the time.  That I didn’t yearn for the stable days of my dead faith sometimes.  That I could commune with the faiths of my ancestors.

I wish I weren’t so alone.  I wish I had a meat-space friend group.  With in jokes.  Who cared about each other.  Who strengthened each other.  Who fought for each other.  

I wish I could meet a girl who saw the beauty in me I can barely see – and vice versa.  And we’d make earth-shattering, heart-battering, tongue-gladdening love…

But these visions are an unattainable dream. We live in the world of yearning and pain and confusion.  A world often devoid of sunshine and light.  

And I live in an unlovable body.

I wish I could learn to love it.

I wish I could say what i wanna say – knew what i wanna say –

This is random (but kinda not) – but I wish I could write (it always comes back to writing, doesn’t it?) erotica without blushing like the incredibly virginal virgin I am.  I wish my kinks didn’t freak me the fuck out so much.  I wish they didn’t make me hate me so much.  I wish I could explore them, unhindered by the fetters of my evangelical upbringing -  I wish I knew what my sexual fantasies meant.  What they say about me.  What, subconsciously – like in the truth-revealing realm of dreams – they mean – like about the kind of person I am – and yearn to be – fundamentally…

I wish I knew which direction to follow…

[myviewoftheuniverse]

God Bless America’s Nuts

To the 4th of July 2020 celebration at Mt Rushmore

Beautiful. Well done. Congratulations to all Americans. You're all a bunch of crazy nuts but somehow after over 240 years all of you lead the world to this very day. It's been a great ride for millions upon millions of people that have struggled to get here for over the same 240 years.  They came here and lived amazing lives and their children, and children's children are living amazing lives beyond our imagination. From bowling alleys and picnics to billion dollar yachts and the New York Yankees, and on to the Space Shuttle. Everything this country has accomplished has included all races, creeds, colors and nationalities for 240 years. No matter how bad natural born citizens of America think it is in this country, they need to realize that millions upon millions of people from every other country in the world still want to get here, and will do anything to do so. (if you moved to almost anywhere else in the world for a year,, you would get a great lesson in how things work elsewhere and you would appreciate American Freedom far beyond what you realize) Both sides are all a bunch of nuts like I said, and you've all been fighting for the same 240 years over issues that sometimes are petty and should be left alone to each individuals decision, the government oversteps it's bounds far too often, and other arguments are so valiant and true, the movement leader as in MLK is truly an American hero. (those men should stay on Mt. Rushmore, MLK should be added, and any other black American hero similar in stature to Harriet Tubman. Would that not be Fking awesome? My idea! Just now! 

For 240 years all races, creeds, colors and nationalities have had to deal with a lot of garbage, headaches, (migraines), mental torture, financial ruin and loss of life to stand up for something involving Freedom. Whether you're a front line employee or manager at a corporation that loses his job due to bullying office politics, or someone in the neighborhood vandalized your property or harmed a pet, people do fkd up things in this country. Why, we'll never know but it involves education, and educating each other. We can't imagine living in a time when there were water fountains and bathrooms for white and black people. It makes you vomit just to think of it. It seems barbaric, yet that was normal life not so long ago. We are all here today, after 240 years and after the last 6 months. Can you people try to figure out how to get along? whatever the hell the formula is then mix it up and drink it. Because watching this behavior is fking ridiculous, from Karen's to BLM movements gone wrong because of a few idiots. White people need to keep that Karen's in line, informed maybe? About how life works? And BLM people need to to keep the vandals in line, informed maybe? About how life works. I'm sitting here watching this shit(and sorry to be vulgar but this is total bullshit. How many people out there have GREAT days 6 out of 7 days a week? 23 out of 30? Life is fucking great in this country from the bottom to the top on an average good day.  We're all fucking happy. Then someone has to throw a fucking wrench at the side of your head.  Why do you have to fuck someone else's day up? and interrupt the whole fucking program?) I'm sitting here watching this unfold with my popcorn in hand. I've laughed at so many Trump insults, and I've laughed at a million Liberal insults. You're both definitely on edge, or even over the edge already. I don't know what the fk is going to calm you people down but please I beg  of you, figure out the formula, mix it up and pass it around so everyone can drink it. Maybe a formula that makes you not notice or even understand the terms, race, religion, skin color, handicap, sexual preference, nationality, hair color, mental illness, physical appearance, intelligence, eye color,  the word yesterday? just something that makes us live one day at a time, moving forward, enjoying every moment we can with family friends, pets, the outdoors, alone or with someone, in the city, your quiet neighborhood, or your loud neighborhood with fun goofy friends. If you want to ride a skateboard off a damn roof then do it, if you want to laugh on your yacht then do it. As long as it doesn't harm another human being. Stop pushing other people around, physically and verbally and stop trying to find fault in other people. Everyone does have faults as far as I know, you do too, i know i do, even the Dali Lama and the Pope, and JC. So let's regroup, drink that formula and love one another and all that shit. I assume that's how we all get to Logan's Run? Where everyone, even though they look different, just walk thru life not noticing they have differences, and we all do the same fucking thing every night at 8, and we all go to Carousel to cheer for the people flying up a tube into Heaven. Let's do this. (and do me one fucking favor. can you fire the dildo head cop that pulled two black dudes over, just like they predicted 60 seconds earlier on video while sitting in their car. two exchanges happened in the first 60 seconds that are difficult to watch and digest. one dude says something like why'd you pull us over bro? and the dildo head police officer says "you looked at me when you drove by."...????????????????????????????? If looking at people is now outlawed you might as well shoot me in the face right now, go ahead and electrocute me, I'm 100% positive it would be fun to watch for more than one person out there.  It would be a big hit on youtube for sure or even FB live. The other exchange was ...dildo head "you over there, do you have id? ",,,dude "No man.... Why you asking me for ID when you know me!!!???".......WTF was that about???????????????? This is what our taxes are paying for, just for police officers to pick on enough black people until they find one that had weed in the car? The weed days are over guys. That shit is done. Let it go. And forgive me if I am misreading the situation but the dildo head seems to be behaving like a 14 yr old bully with two little kids on their tricycles in front of him. They're doomed. That was the most ridiculous exchange by a police officer that I've heard in 55 years living on this planet.)   Both sides of the battle, you're all a bunch of nuts out there, and me too for watching it because it's ugly, terrible and people are getting hurt on both sides. One thing though, I'm pretty sure that the crazy shit hasn't even happened yet. We are on a war path to disaster. Fasten your fucking seat belts, this ride does not make any stops. One last request. All Major League sporting events in all sports are free thru 2030. Just stand in line, camping outside allowed. (don't worry they'll be plenty of tickets given out under the table for the celebrities, we'll just have to live with that...they get their seats as always) oh by the way, tickets are issued randomly, game day only, starting 5hrs prior to the game. Next ticket out of the machine is yours. Stay safe you nuts...sorry for any msispllinginsgins

[vinyldamage]

The Top 50 Pop Punk Albums

Last week Rolling Stone issued their list of the top 50 pop punk records of all time, and to say that it’s terrible would be nice; It’s god awful. So myself and my good friend Kevin Nunn, took upon ourselves to make our own lists; his has been up for a few day now (go give it a gander, the link is included a the bottom of post). I initially had this written up and ready to go last night, but my dumbass accidentally deleted all of it. Each album title is hyperlinked to it’s respective youtube portal, so you can check out the albums for yourself. There will also be a Spotify playlist that includes almost everything. I might just make a playlist from my personal collection, but I haven’t really decided yet. Only time, and demand will tell. So, without further ado, here is my list of the top 50 pop punk albums:

50. MxPx - Life In General (Tooth & Nail, 1996):

Regardless of their religious views, MxPx put out one hell of a pop-punk gem in the fall of 1996. This record is just as important as any other, in spreading the word of pop punk.

49. Reggie and the Full Effect - Greatest Hits 1984 - 1987 (Second Nature, 1999):

The debut release from Coalesce’s drumming monster James Dewees, is full of hooks and sugary pop melodies. Putting the cheese factor aside, there are some truly memorable pop-punk gems. James later left Coalesce to focus on Reggie and playing keys for The Get Up Kids.

48. The Dickies - Dawn of the Dickies (A&M, 1978):

The band’s current actions are nothing I condone, but you can’t deny the importance of this sugar coated piece of wax.

47. Soup - Cruel and Unusual (Very Small, 1989):

The first band to play 924 Gilman Street on opening night December, 31st 1986. Soup didn’t last long, but their influence on the East Bay scene would be felt for years to come. Drummer Sergie Loobkoff went on to play in such legendary bands as Sweet Baby, Samiam, and Knapsack. Good Luck finding a copy of this 7”, it’s nearly impossible.

46. Goo Goo Dolls - A Boy Named Goo (Metal Blade, 1995):

Laugh all you want about this record being included, but before the Goo Goo Dolls went all Motley Crue meets Martha Stewart they put out a some great pop punk records. A Boy Named Goo catapulted the band to fame with the help of the melodramatic single, “Name.”

45. Smoking Popes - Born To Quit (Capitol, 1994):

I became a fan of this band when I heard the song “Mrs. You and Me” on the earth shattering soundtrack to the box office bomb, Angus. A friend once described this band by saying, “Think if The Smiths started a punk rock band.” Pretty accurate.

44. The Lillingtons - I Lost My Marbles (Clearview, 1996):

Though not a full length record and only an EP, the first offering from Wyoming’s The Lillingtons is by far the best thing the band has ever done. The title track is raw pop punk gold.

43. Latterman - No Matter Where We Go! (Deep Elm, 2005):

I was lucky enough to be in a band that played numerous shows with these fine folks. We all became fast friends, and musical comrades. Watching them play songs from this record to kids singing every single word will be something i’ll always remember.

42. Discount - Half Fiction (Liberation, 1997):

Before Alison Mosshart became far too cool for school and changed her name to a group of letters for the band The Kills, she fronted a very popular pop-punk band from the swamps of Florida. Half Fiction is widely regarded as the band’s best effort, and I agree.

41. Go Sailor! - Go Sailor! (Lookout!, 1996):

Members of  Crimpshrine, Henry’s Dress, The Softies, and Tiger Trap come together to make some of the sweetest songs you’ll ever hear. Generally lumped in with the Twee Pop scene, pop-punkers around the world embraced the band when Lookout! Records released this collection.

40. Radon - 28 (No Idea, 1998):

If you have ever been to a Fest, you know who Radon is. If you have not, and have never heard Radon, you need to change that.

39. Generation X - Generation X (Chrysalis, 1978):

Known as the band that launched the career of Billy Idol, Generation X’s self-titled debut is pop punk answer to the Sex Pistols.

38. Groovie Ghoulies - World Contact Day (Lookout!, 1996):

In the ‘90’s when pop-punk was at its zenith there were a million Ramones copycats, and 90 percent of them were terrible. The Groovie Ghoulies were an exception to that.

37. Scared of Chaka - Masonic Youth (Empty, 1996):

Before garage rock would come to take over the world in the early ‘00’s, a small band of punks blended their favorite aspects of garage rock, punk rock, and pop music to create something uniquely special.

36. The Rezillos - Can’t Stand… (Sire, 1978):

I have to thank my friend Colin Clive for introducing me to The Rezillos. Before I heard them all he told me was how great they were, and that the bass playing is absolutely insane. He was right on both counts.

35. Pansy Division - Deflowered (Lookout!, 1995):

“Groovy Underwear” is by far one of my favorite pop-punk songs of all time. As a teenage boy if you really want to freak your parents out, bring this record home.

34. All - Allroy’s Revenge (Cruz, 1989):

Some may disagree with me, but I think this is All’s best record. My reasoning is solely based on the fact that the song “She’s My Ex”, is so great. I’ve never really liked All, but when I do feel like listening to them this is the record I always go to.

33. Seaweed - Spanaway (Hollywood, 1995):

I used to sit by my radio with a blank tape in the cassette deck to try and record “Start With” when it came on the radio. I always failed. This record was a huge influence on me ,and two of my friends who i’d eventually start a band with.

32. Stiff Little Fingers - Nobody’s Heroes (Chrysalis, 1980):

Everyone always lists Inflammable Material as the best Fingers record, and while I do like that record I feel like Nobody’s Heroes is better. The songs are stronger, and the production is leaps and bounds better than Inflammable Material.

31. Gunmoll - Board of Rejection (No Idea, 2003):

The second record by Gainesville, Florida’s Gunmoll is not only the band’s finest effort, but also their swan song. “Couple’s Skate” is one of my favorite songs of all time.

30. Dillinger Four - Versus God (Hopeless, 2000):

D4’s second full-length is their best record, it just is. If you don’t believe me we can chat about it, but you’ll be wrong.

29. Buzzcocks - Singles Going Steady (Liberty, 1979):

A list about the best pop-punk records of all time wouldn’t be complete without the Buzzcocks. Listen to “Ever Fall In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)” and try to get it out of your head afterwards.  It’s impossible.

28. Carrie Nations - Be Still (Plan-It-X, 2002):

Often lumped in with the hippy punk contingent due to their affiliation with the Plan-It-X record label, Carrie Nations couldn’t be further from it. Be Still is pure pop punk gold. My good buddy Jeff Bolt reissued this on his Stupid Bag Records label a few years back. He may have some copies still available. I suggest you click the label name above an pick up a copy.

27. Sweet Baby - It’s A Girl (Ruby, 1989):

Blending punk with the pop sensibilities of The Beatles, Sweet Baby made a record that would go largely unheard until the pop punk explosion of the mid ‘90’s. Sweet Baby along with the Mr. T Experience, and Crimpshrine are often cited as the beginning of the East Bay pop punk sound that would (only a few short years after this records release) take the world by storm.

26. Crimpshrine - Duct Tape Soup (Lookout!, 1992):

It’s the mighty Crimpshrine. Ya’ll better recognize. Influential beyond words to thousands of bands that would become infinitely more popular.

25. Teenage Head - Teenage Head (Inter Global, 1979):

I first heard about these Canadian punks when I heard Screeching Weasel’s cover of the classic “Ain’t Got No Sense.” Known as the “Canadian Ramones” when they first started, Teenage Head blazed their own trail and shed the Ramones label fairly quickly. Years later I found a copy of this on vinyl while on tour in Canada, and then lost it somehow. I’m still bummed about that.

24. Fifteen - The Choice of A New Generation (Lookout!, 1992):

Regardless of the idiocy of the band's leader, I can’t begin to describe my obsession with this band when I was a teenager. I listened to something by them multiple times a day, every day of the week. This record was definitely the one that got the most play. Hugely influential.

23. Marked Men - Fix My Brain (Swami, 2006):

Do you like catchy songs that get stuck in your brain for eternity? Do you want those catchy songs played at light speed, and one right after another with no rest? Well then my friend, this is the record for you!

22. Lifetime - Jersey’s Best Dancers (Jade Tree, 1997):

When I first heard this record I hated it because I couldn’t stand the lead singer, Ari Katzs’ voice. But it grew on me, and now this record is one I listen to at least once every couple of months.

21. Husker Du - Candy Apple Grey (Warner Bros., 1986):

One of the founding bands of the Hardcore movement, Husker Du signed to a major label in the mid ‘80’s and put out one of the best records of their career. Continuing where their previous record Flip Your Wig left off, Candy Apple Grey contains the same intensity the Huskers came to be known for, while also honing their pop sensibilities.

20. Chixdiggit - Chixdiggit (Sub Pop, 1996):

Next to Screeching Weasel, Riverdales, and The Queers these Canadians were the best Ramones imitation there was. “Where’s Your Mom?” is a song I still listen to on a pretty regular basis.

19. Saves the Day - Through Being Cool (Equal Vision, 1999):

Known as Lifetime jr. for obvious reasons, Saves the Day began to chart their own path with the release of Through Being Cool. It’s hard to believe that the oldest member of this band was 20 when the record was released.

18. Lagwagon - Hoss (Fat Wreck Chords, 1995):

With the pop punk tornado began wreaking havoc upon the world at large, Lagwagon released their third album and began to ride the wave with the rest of their friends. Hoss cemented Lagwagon’s place in story of punk rock and it’s mid ‘90’s dominance upon the world.

17. The Undertones - The Undertones (Sire, 1979):

Four Irish lads came together to in the midst of a UK punk explosion filled with activism and political dissent, to deliver an album of pop gems that even your  dear old mum would enjoy. Famous BBC Radio DJ, and taste maker, John Peel loved their song “Teenage Kicks” so much that when he died he was buried with one of his many copies of the single. The song was also played as his casket was carried out of the church by his pallbearers. That has to mean something, right?

16. Samiam - You Are Freaking Me Out (Burning Heart, 1997):

Samiam’s fifth album, and first after their major label experiment, is by far the band’s best. Every song on this record is great, and yes that does include The Beatles cover.

15. Pinhead Gunpowder - Goodbye Ellston Avenue (Lookout!, 1997):

I listened to this so much when I first bought it that when someone told me they’d hadn’t heard it, or never heard of the band, that I gave it to them. I must have bought this record 20 times. I’ve lost count. There are only 3 records I do this with, and Goodbye Ellston Avenue is one of them.

14. Propagandhi - How To Clean Everything (Fat Wreck Chords, 1993):

Today’s thrash metal giants were yesterday’s pop punk heroes.

13. Mr. T Experience - Love Is Dead (Lookout!, 1996):

Another record that I listened to obsessively. These songs are about girls.

12. Riverdales - 27 (Lookout!, 1995):

If you ever wanted a straight up Ramones rip off then this record is for you. That’s not to say it isn’t great, because it is, but everything from the music down to the artwork screams, we love the Ramones.

11. Face to Face - Big Choice (Victory Music, 1995):

Most people would put Face to Face’s debut album on this list, but I really think that Big Choice is the better record. I tend to listen to this record more than any of their other records. I think the songs are better crafted, and the production is infinitely better. This also has “Disconnected” on it so you’re still getting the band’s most well known song, but in a better capacity.

10. Alkaline Trio - Goddamnit (Asian Man, 1998):

Every song on this record is fantastic. Every single one. They capture on 12 tracks what every teenage punk kid is feeling about love and anger.

09. The Queers - Don’t Back Down (Lookout!, 1996):

Yes, I am well aware of the sexist nature of this band, but their importance in the world of pop punk is unquestionable. On this record, Joe Queer and company successfully blend The Ramones with The Beach Boys, and the result is one of the best pop punk records of all time.

08. Blink 182 - Dude Ranch (Cargo, 1997):

Say what you will about these cheesetastic bastards, but this record is hugely important in the pop punk world. I still throw this on from time to time to take a trip down memory lane. There were a lot of late night drives as a teenager spent listening to this.

07. Bouncing Souls - Maniacal Laughter (BYO, 1996):

I feel like I saw the Bouncing Souls a billion times while they were on tour for this record. They seemed to open every show I went to during this time period. The opening of the record with the song “Lamar Vanoy” is like fresh air through a cracked window in a hundred degree heat.

06. Jawbreaker - 24 Hour Revenge Therapy (Tupelo Recording Company, 1994):

While I generally don’t consider Jawbreaker to be a pop punk band, you can’t deny the impact that this record had on the genera and it’s fans. There has already been a million things written about why this record is so great, I don’t think I could add much more. Though I will say is that it changed my life in a profound way.

05. NOFX - Punk In Drublic (Epitaph, 1994):

Maybe you’ve heard of this?

04. Screeching Weasel - Anthem For A New Tomorrow (Lookout!, 1993):

This was the third punk record I ever bought. Much like Jawbreaker, Screeching Weasel was a life changing thing for me. I don’t agree with Ben Weasel and his idiotic actions as of late, but I can say he was very important in my musical quest.

03. Descendents - Milo Goes To College (SST, 1982):

Some guys from Hermosa Beach did a thing, and I guess it’s pretty alright…

02. Ramones - Rocket To Russia (Sire, 1977):

You really could put the first 4 Ramones records in the top 4 spots, but you gotta be fair. To me this is the record that set the standard; the record that became the blueprint. This is my favorite Ramones record, and it contains my favorite Ramones song, “Rockaway Beach.” Everyone on this list owes something to these 4 glue sniffing pinheads.

01. Green Day - Dookie (Reprise, 1994):

This record is the reason I’m sitting here writing this list. It’s the reason I started playing music. It’s the reason punk rock became a household name. Like Nirvana’s Nevermind before it, it changed everything.

Thanks for checking this out! I hope you all dug it. Here is Kevin’s list for ya’ll to check out:

Kevin Nunn’s Top 50 Pop Punk Albums of All Time.

[skelesansx-blog]

🙌

NPC to meet you // Accepting

Sans was doing his best not to lose his marbles. Papyrus was peering out of the alleyway, a long thin shadow in the night. His hat was cocked at an odd angle, making his brother look even more terrifying than the big ol’ softie he actually was.

“I DON’T SEE IT,” Papyrus admitted. Sans squeezed into the minute space between brother and wall, frustration lining every inch of his face. 

���there! look, look! right. there! see, he’s there!”

“THERE’S NO ONE- OH!” Pap’s face lit up like the fourth of July. “OH! IT’S THE NICE CREAM MAN! SANS, GIVE ME YOUR CHANGE, I’LL GO GET SOME! WHAT FLAVOUR WOULD YOU LIKE?”

“papyrus!” Sans wheezed. He was not typically a skeleton who lost his cool. In fact, Sans made it his business to keep cool at all times, but Papyrus was about to make him lose a gasket and truly, his brother had no one but himself to blame. “don’t ya think there’s something about the nice cream man that ain’t adding up?”

His brother met his gaze.. Sans could see him thinking about it.

“IT DOES SEEM LIKE A POOR LOCATION.”

“it’s four in the morning!” 

“HE’S CLEARLY GETTING AN EARLY START,”

“in the middle of winter!?”

“IT’S THE BEST TIME TO ENJOY NICE CREAM. UGH, IT GETS ALL MELTY IN THE SUMMER...”

“conveniently next to the warehouse we just ‘liberated’ of all its trimmings?” Sans said. He gave the bag at his feet a pointed jingle.

“WELL,” Papyrus said, waving his hand. “CLEARLY IT’S JUST COINCIDENCE. WE’RE HARDLY THE ONLY MONSTERS IN THE CITY,”

“oh my god,” Sans said. He buried his head in his hands. “i can’t believe it. bro, he’s clearly a cop, or a...some kind of mook, or enforcer. i bet he’s just waiting for us to come around the corner. i bet he’s just ready to pull a gun on us and bust us for grand larceny or worse,” Sans voice fell to a whisper. “loitering.”

Papyrus looked at him with an expression of grave concern. He turned away from the Nice Cream man, still innocently filtering around his vending cart, to place both hands on Sans’ shoulders.

“SANS, PLEASE DON’T GET UPSET. I BELIEVE YOU-”“thank god, finally-” 

“ARE WORKING FAR, FAR TOO HARD.” Papyrus finished. Sans felt the whole of his being deflate. “I KNOW, SCANDALOUS, REALLY, BUT THERE’S NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR SUCH WILD FLIGHTS OF PARANOIA. THE NICE CREAM MAN IS JUST...THE NICE CREAM MAN! HE’S NICE! IT’S IN HIS NAME!” Papyrus beamed. “SO COME ON. IT’S BEEN A LONG NIGHT. WHY DON’T WE INDULGE. IT’LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.”

“pft, yeah right,” Sans grumbled, but found himself nodding along anyway as Papyrus casually steered him out from the alley. “still think he’s a goddamn cop.”“I KNOW YOU DO.” Papyrus said consolingly, jovially patting his shoulder. “TRY NOT TO KILL HIM, OKAY?”“no promises.”

[renaroo]

Recovery None (57/61)

Disclaimer: Red vs Blue and related characters are the property of Rooster Teeth. Warnings: Language, Canon-typically violence, Psychological torture & manipulation, Mentions of gore, Character death, Minor Sexual content Pairings: Kaikaina/South, Gimmons Rating: T Synopsis: [Canon Divergence AU] When the Mother of Invention crashed, Project Freelancer was in shambles, its surviving agents scattered, its equipment stolen, and an impending investigation into the crash from the UNSC was on the horizon. To regain control of the deeply corrupted program, the Director established a new unit from his remaining supplies – the Recovery Unit.

Three former Freelancers were chosen for particular tasks: Zero is to hunt down and destroy the Meta, One is to investigate and recover stolen or missing equipment, and Two is to take down AWOL former agents.

Of course, no one’s motivations are what they seem…

A/N: There is an abrupt tonal shift that can only happen in Blood Gulch and a few other surprises in this chapter I think everyone’s going to appreciate since I’ve been asked about them for more than a few chapters now ; ) But to anyone still wondering, yes, I’m keeping the limited narration for Two chapters down to just South’s POV now. No one will be taking North’s place for the remainder of the fic (which isn’t that much more OH MY GOSH HOW ARE WE FOUR CHAPTERS FROM THE END) 

Special thanks to @secretlystephaniebrown, @analiarvb, @notatroll7, @every-survival, @icefrozenover, @washingtonstub, @a-taller-tale, @freshzombiewriter, Yin, irismon, DuchessPoint, and Linni for the feedback!

Recovery Two XVII: Sisters

She still didn’t know what she was doing. 

South stood to lose everything and yet all she could think was how hollow of a threat that truly was to her. Everything meant so little when, collectively, she possessed truly nothing of value. Not anymore. 

She was still in the canyon, wondering whether it was instinct honed in by years of training or what dwindling sense of self-preservation she still owned, but she had stuck to the shadows, out of sight of all the natives to the canyon, former Freelancers, tanks, and all. 

From a distance, she observed things. And even though he was long dead, it was the closest she had felt to North in years. 

Can I project now? Theta asked. It looks like everyone is leaving anyway. No one’s gonna see me. 

Watching as York and Washington passed through a transporter and Four Seven Niner returned to a Scorpion tank, South narrowed her eyes. “No,” she answered finally. “I don’t need you attracting attention. Either from the mouth breathers here or from the possibility of attracting it.”

Theta sent a shudder through her, from the base of her skull to the tips of her fingers and toes. 

“Stop doing that,” she ordered harshly. “Taking hold of my nervous system.”

Sorry, the AI quickly apologized. But I don’t... it’s not a conscious thing or anything, South. I just feel things. And as long as I’m here, you’ll feel them, too.

She nearly rolled her eyes. “I understand how implantation works! I just... Forget it. I don’t know what the hell I ever wanted with an AI anyway.”

You saw us as advanced tools rewarding the best, and you wanted to be the best, he answered. Now that it’s real and human it feels weird to think of us that way. 

South hardly kept her eyes set on the scene at Blue Base. “Did I ask for a psychoanalysis?”

Not out loud. 

“Well, since you’re suddenly so opinionated, Theta, I’ve got a question for you,” South snapped. “Why are we doing this? Why are we anywhere near this place and not sticking with that plan of replacing an agent of Freelancer and hijacking a ticket off this mudball? What are we doing?”

Going against orders, Theta appeared briefly over her shoulder. “I think you’re interested in that one girl’s big, bouncy boobs.”

“Oh my god, you horny teenager, get out of my brain!” she snarled. 

“I could go to your suit more and leave your implants more vacated if you--”

Before Theta could continue, South held up her hand and silenced him. Her eyes darted toward the gathering in the canyon. Sure enough, Kaikaina was heading her way, practically bouncing with every step. 

Theta snorted. “Bouncing, I put that on your mind.”

“Go dark,” South ordered.

“Why? Kaikaina has seen me before. She’s the only one who does know about me. Because you wouldn’t let me apologize to York like I told you to let me--”

Looking to the AI’s projection directly, South snarled. “Theta, I will use override commands liberally. I’m not North. I’m not playing around with you and giving you uneven footing in this so-called relationship of ours. Go dark.”

For a moment, Theta seemed to resist before dropping his head and shaking his head. “You’re right. You’re not North,” he said almost bitterly before flickering offline.

“Little bastard,” South hissed. She then looked toward Kaikaina just as the woman got within reach of her. 

“How’re you supposed to bodyguard from, like, twenty feet away?” Kaikaina asked breathlessly. “Man. Why’s it so hot in this place? It sucks more dicks than I do.”

“What?” South blinked.

“What?” Kaikaina asked back. 

Exhaling sharply through her nose, South leaned back against the rock she had been spying from. “Do you want me to answer those questions in order?” she asked. 

“Which questions?” Kaikaina asked.

“The ones you asked me,” South clarified impatiently.

The simulation trooper tilted her head. “Uh, yeah. Generally that’s the point of asking someone questions. To get the answers. Man. Are all bodyguards such sticklers for, like, everything?”

Deciding to humor the only minor relationship she had flimsily constructed in the past twenty-four hours, South began listing off on her fingers. “I bodyguard by surveying and assessing situations from a distance then coordinating action from what I see. It’s hot here because of our geographical location and because while the UNSC decided -- on poor faith -- to terraform this rock for sustainable life, ultimately it does not rotate quickly enough on its axis to give similar diurnal and nocturnal habitats like Earth and our other terraformed colony planetoids. Constant sunlight gives this planet a giant-ass-desert in the middle of the sun-baring side and we’re on the outskirts of it. And, finally, I don’t care whether or not other bodyguards are sticklers, because they’re not your bodyguard, I am. And anyone who isn’t me sucks.”

When South had finished, she took a deep breath and then looked expectantly toward Kaikaina. Even fully armored, there was no hiding that blank stare the younger soldier was giving her. 

“Yeah, okay, sure,” she finally responded with a fully body shrug. “Hey, if you’re my bodyguard, should’t you be calling me, like ma���am and stuff? Like making me sandwiches and opening the door when it rings?”

“I’m not a butler, I just save your life,” South replied. “Do you want to be called ‘ma’am’, you’re like... twelve.”

“Uh, I’m an adult. I’m Nineteen, so suck it,” Kai responded. “And I guess I don’t like when other people say ma’am because my mom was a ma’am or a sir if someone was being an asshole about her beard. But when you say it, your voice is, like, all husky and heavy and it’s really hot. So if you want to call me ma’am I’d be down with it.”

“What,” South replied.

“What?” Kai asked back.

“You know what, it really doesn’t matter,” South replied lowly. “Honestly, I’m beginning to think if anything matters right now. And I’m having a hard time finding any evidence that it does.”

“Wow, that’s dark,” Kai responded, crossing her arms. 

“I’m a tortured soul, didn’t you know?” South replied sarcastically. 

“You’re bitchy, it’s kinda hot,” Kai announced, leaning against the rock as well, close enough to brush arms with South. 

“What are you doing?” South demanded. 

“Waiting for you to get over yourself,” Kaikaina shrugged. “Or for you to bodyguard me from something epic. I must be super important for them to give me the best Freelancer for a bodyguard.”

Surprised, South turned and looked at Kai. “I never said I was the best.”

“You don’t have to, you’re a complete hardass and you talked circles around those guys back at the other base,” Kaikaina explained. “Obviously my Freelancer is the best one.”

“Your,” South remarked with a scoff. Despite herself, though, she had a smile. “Yeah, guess you’re right.”

“I know I ma, I always guessed people’s weights right at the circus,” Kai shrugged. “I’m a good judge of character like that.”

South smirked at her. “Obviously.” She then took pause and turned entirely toward Kaikaina. “So what was the deal down there? Why did the Reds split up?”

"Oh, I dunno,” Kaikaina shrugged. “Some of them wanted to follow the space cop to go after some movie director? And that other Freelancer went with him, which makes me think -- a pirate, a guy with a funny accent, and a cop all going to find a director? Total porno. I’d watch it.”

South felt her blood cool in her veins and she grew more alert. 

Him, Theta hissed in her mind. 

“The Director?” South questioned, hardly able to find words. 

“Right, so they went through that portal thingy, but my bro said fuck thaaaaat because it was dangerous or something. Or he’s like still pretending to be in a closet, to which I’m like, Bro, that guy Simmons is, like, hanging off of you. What the fuck. Closet door’s knocked down, Bro,” Kai continued. “So they’re here along with the cool guy in lightish-red armor--”

“The pink armor,” South corrected automatically.

“Shhh don’t be rude, I can’t tell the difference,” Kaikaina hushed her. “Anyway, so they’re all here in Blue Base where I’m here to paaaaarty but mostly I want to watch the one Blue guy give birth. I’ve never seen a dude do it before. But now that they’re doing it, I bet you no one’s going to say shit about me getting a seventh abortion.”

“What,” South said before she could catch herself.

“It’s the way dudes work. Totally. Trust me,” Kai said with a flip of her wrist. “And then the doctor guy is totally weird and says he has to give me a physical as soon as he’s done with the medical breakthrough of his lifetime. Whatever that means.”

“Sounds like he wants in your pants,” South replied without a second’s thought. 

“That’s what I think which is like... c’mon. Better pickup lines, dude, but eh. I’ll get naked.”

“Why would you need to get naked for a physical?” South demanded. 

“Why would I not?” she fired back. “You’re so weird. And thirsty.”

“I’m not--” South snapped her mouth shut before the conversation could carry on further. “It doesn’t matter.”

Because we need to go after the Director. No one’s more responsible for North’s death than him, Theta growled uncharacteristically in her mind. 

South felt the rage building within her, but she looked at Kaikaina instead. 

She felt the tug of resistance in her mind, but South pushed off the rock and glanced toward Kaikaina. “Okay, I’m curious. Show me this guy giving birth. What’s he going to do? Squeeze it out his dick or...?”

“Cesearean,” Kai answered, beginning to lead South toward the Base. 

“What a wimp,” South remarked. “Women have been doing this shit forever.”

“I told you! That’s how dudes are!” Kai laughed, reaching over and grabbing South’s arm as she continued to guide her. 

But North-- Theta began to fight back angrily. 

We’re going after the Director for me, South informed the AI, grabbing Kai’s arm back as they walked along. North is dead. Doing things for him isn’t going to bring him back. So when we cut the Director’s goddamn throat it’ll be for everything, and that’s what I’m going to do. 

Theta’s buzzing in her mind took up a dangerous tempo. When isn’t it about you!?

Clutching Kai tighter, South scowled. This, you little bastard. This is not for me. North wanted us to live. Going after the Director? That’s a good chance of death. So we’re going to give North what he wanted first. Live a little. 

Placated, Theta’s humming returned to its normal rhythm. 

*

Inside of the base, South nearly had to do a double take to make certain that they hadn’t somehow ended up back at Red Base since the interiors were absolutely identical in a very real, very haunting sort of way. 

If it weren’t for the blue accents and flag, there wouldn’t have been any difference at all. 

The orange armored Red who Kaikaina had said was her brother was standing at the center of the flag room with a cigarette between his teeth. He was staring at the flag almost dully. 

“Yo, Broooooo!” Kaikaina yelled out, bounding over toward him. “Why aren’t you watching the dude giving birth? Like isn’t it supposed to be amazing or something? Like where is it gonna even come from?”

“Squeeze it out his dick, that’d almost be anatomical justice,” South couldn’t help but add. 

Ow, yeesh, Theta muttered.

Oh, like you have a real one, South admonished him.

“Won’t be the biggest thing I’ve seen come out of one,” Kai shrugged.

“What?” her brother said at the same time as South. 

“Whatever, it’s not amazing,” her brother said, pulling his cigarette from his mouth. “Amazing is this goddamn thing right here.”

He waved toward the blue flag and forced South and Kaikaina to take more note of it. They watched it flutter slightly, which confused South almost as much as the moon landing footage because there didn’t seem to be a draft in the base. 

“That’s not amazing, it’s fucking boring,” Kai groaned. 

“No, it’s not,” Grif said, pointing his cigarette toward the flag. “Good men over the years have died over this stupid thing -- died just to stand in this room and try to get it from Blues. Or the other way around.”

South looked between the two simulation troopers quietly. She felt... something at that point. Not guilt, not anything truly personal. But she felt...

Sympathy, Theta offered.

Gross, South replied. My brother just died, what the fuck do I have to sympathize over simulation troopers for? They’re not even smart enough to figure out this whole thing was fake.

Well, neither were Freelancers until the very end, Theta reminded her.

Taking a sharp breath, South pt her hands on her hips and shook her head. It felt like pulling teeth, but she tried all the same. “I’m... sorry. That you lost people over something so stupid as a flag.”

He turned and looked at her utterly bewildered. “What? God, no. Red Team hasn’t lost anyone over the stupid flag.” He threw down his cigarette and stomped it out before grabbing for his helmet. “I mean I’ve lost half my internal organs and Simmons is half a robot, but not even fucking Donut died over the stupid flag and he managed to get the damn thing. ‘Sides, I said good people. That’s obviously not anyone in this canyon.”

South watched as he put his helmet on. “You’re going to make me regret protecting your sister, aren’t you?” she asked plainly.

“Knowing my sister, she’s made headway on that cause already,” Grif shrugged. 

Almost immediately, South opened her mouth to defend Kaikaina’s honor when she realized that the younger woman wasn’t even in the room with them anymore. “Dammit,” she hissed before taking off toward the hall.

It took a bit of searching but soon enough South came across Kaikaina walking down the hall humming to herself.

“Earlier when you were getting onto me for not being close enough to bodyguard you,” South said as she caught up to Kai’s side, “generally that’s a two way street.”

“Pfft, I’m in Blue Base now. I’m Blue Safe. Whoohoo! Go Blue!” she said in response. “Hey, where’s the little gray dude over your shoulder? I bet he’d like to see me naked for a physical.”

“I’m here,” Theta announced, popping up over South’s shoulder.

“Off!” South ordered. She glared at Theta until he complied and then she looked back to her charge. “Theta is like a secret weapon. We don’t flaunt him around because that’d ruin the surprise.”

“We as in me?” Kai asked.

“What?” South asked in return.

“You always say we. Are you talking about me? Should I keep Theta a secret too? Like, he’s my secret, too? Which is cool. I’m great at secrets. Except when I accidentally tell them. Which doesn’t happen a lot. Don’t call anybody from high school. They’re fucking liar bitches.”

The realization of the we cut through South. She screwed her eyes shut, hardly listening to Kaikaina’s words as they carried forward. 

Live. Survive. Live. Survive. Don’t think about--

“She meant North,” Theta said, appearing over South’s other shoulder, closer to Kai. “Our brother. He... He died.”

Kai put her hands over her chest, letting out a small gasp. “Why didn’t you tell me you lost your brother? I’m so sorry! Losing my brother would be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Even if he’s an annoying bastard and treats me like a baby who hasn’t fucked the whole football team already.” She paused and looked mortified for a moment. “Did he die going after the flag? Did Dex offend you? I’ll go beat him up for you.”

"He didn’t die over a flag,” South said lowly. “He died over something more stupid... He died counting on me.”

Kai looked at South. “That’s not stupid. That’s... I think that’s something brothers and sisters would always be willing to die for. For the brother or sister, I mean.” She hugged herself. “I enlisted because I wanted to see my brother again. He was drafted because he chose to take care of me instead of going to school and so he couldn’t get out of it. And then he sent all his paychecks back to me at home. Because that’s what he does. He takes care of me. And I want to do the same back. Even if it means dying over a stupid flag.”

South stopped, her head was pounding and her vision blurring. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and rested her shoulder against the near hallway wall to keep her balance. 

“I wish it were true. I wish siblings were always willing to die for each other,” South said. “Maybe then it would’ve been me instead of him... I always thought, being a twin was... a hard thing. Everyone always finds a way to put you together. Even in the program. It’s like you’re not considered two people. Even when we were kids, our parents dressed us alike, and when we joined p and got sent to the program, they stuck us together. People thought we were special somehow, I suppose. I used to hate that. All I ever wanted was to have my own life. My own respect. And here I am now... just wondering how I’m gonna live without him.” She waved to the base around them. “I don’t even know where I fucking am anymore or what I’m doing. Not except getting back at all the fuckers responsible for this in the first place.”

“Yeah,” Kai said. “And being an extremely shitty pretend bodyguard.”

South looked up to Kaikaina, tears streaming down her face. Kaikaina was already meeting her gaze. 

They kept silent for a moment, South feeling like she had gutted herself and left everything bare, right there on the canyon base’s floor. 

Then, unexpectedly, she burst out with a laugh, a grin. Even when she covered her mouth she couldn’t help the choking laughter that came out from her. 

Joining in the laughter, Kaikaina moved in closer and pulled South into a hug. South didn’t return it, but she continued to laugh.

Laugh until there were blood curdling screams echoing through the base.

Quickly releasing each other, South and Kaikaina looked around for the source of the screaming. South automatically pulled out her sidearm and cocked it, causing Kaikaina to jump back in even more surprise. 

“Whoa, did you have that hiding somewhere or were you that happy to hug me?” Kai joked.

“Stop making me laugh,” South snorted.

"Kaikaina!” Grif came running from the flag room only to stumble to a stop just short of the two women and put his hands on his knees. He was gulping down air like it was a new drug. “I thought... whoo! Running... still... sucks... I thought you were.... screaming... I’m gonna die... running... someday... maybe today...”

“Why would I be screaming?” Kaikaina asked with a shrug. “I’ve got a terrible bodyguard taking care of me, Big Bro. Don’t be fucking stupid.”

South couldn’t help but silently agree and holstered her weapon.

“Plus, if anyone’s screaming, it’s probably the dude shoving a baby through his dick,” Kai continued.

“You know I was joking when I mentioned that, right?” South asked.

“No. Dude, I’ve never seen a guy do this before! You can’t joke with me about things like that. Totes thought you were being real,” Kai replied. 

“Well, there’s only one thing for us to do,” South said, leading them toward the origin of the screams. “Let’s go and watch this freakshow for ourselves.”

“Fuck yes!” Kai cried out, nearly skipping by South’s side as her brother followed up behind them, still panting and holding his sides like he had pulled something. 

“That’s it, Tucker! Just a few more breaths...” some far too calm voice was saying as they rounded the corner into the medical room.

“This is awesome!” Donut cried out. 

South wasn’t sure what she was expecting and Theta’s curiosity was definitely getting the better of her at that point. But it became clear that Kaikaina and her brother also didn’t know what to expect because the moment they caught sight of the cesarean being performed with a reptilian headed creature reaching out of a live human, bloody and letting out a long series of terrible noises, the three of them plus Theta gave out a unified scream of horror and backed away before taking off. 

*

The three of them sat on the top of Blue Base, legs hanging over the side, each busily puffing a cigarette. A Red, a Blue, and a Freelancer -- it was the start of a new, terrible bar joke. 

“Welp,” Grif said, flicking the butt of his cigarette over the edge. “Never unseeing that.”

“And that’s why I always go with the abortion,” Kai sighed.

“What,” South and Grif echoed. 

Theta sat on South’s shoulder, head propped up on his hands. “Wish I could have a cigarette.”

“No you don’t,” South said. “Also, I told you to stop showing yourself to everyone.”

“What? I’m not going to be the weirdest thing Kaikaina’s brother has seen today,” Theta pointed out. “We just saw--”

“We know!” they all yelled at once. 

“There you guys are!!! Wanted to let you all know that Tucker’s doing okay! Or at least he’s unconscious and no longer screaming, and the cute doctor says that’s okay!” Donut called out, climbing to the top of the base with a certain amount of pep in his stride. “Grif! You shouldn’t be smoking! It really irritates Simmons that you’re ruining his lungs.”

“Like I give a shit,” Grif replied.

“Ohhh, is Simmons’ first name Richard?” Kai questioned, leaning over South’s lap to get more in her brother’s face. 

Donut stopped and tilted his head to the side. “Oh. I don’t know Simmons’ first name. Is it?”

“You know his first name is Dick,” Grif snapped at Donut. “I know you’ve heard me call him that before.”

Holding up his hands, Donut shook his head. “I so did not know! This changes so many conversations we’ve had!”

“What the-- yeah it better!” Grif snapped. 

“Not if we go by the letters you sent home it doesn’t,” Kaikaina sang.

“Oh, letters? Do tell!” Donut cried out excitedly.

Theta looked to South before flickering out. 

South didn’t have to ask -- she knew what that look meant. Felt what it meant deep within her own bones. She stood up and threw her own cigarette off the side of the base before putting her helmet on. 

The bickering simulation troopers all looked to her in surprise. 

“What’re you doing South?” Kai asked. 

“Remember how my brother’s dead?” she asked lowly, sobering up Grif and Donut rather quickly. “I’m going to go see someone who holds some of the responsibility for that fact. And will probably either accidentally help my former fellow Freelancers or end up getting them all killed. Either way, I figure it’s a hoo-ra I wouldn’t want to miss.”

“Who’s gonna be my fake bodyguard then?” Kai asked, getting to her feet. 

“I’d recommend it not being the guy who had an alien rip itself out of his stomach,” South suggested. “Who knows. That tank seems fairly reliable.”

Donut and Grif looked awkwardly at each other. 

“Well, I prefer you and I think you going by yourself is dumb,” Kaikaina argued. 

“Wouldn’t be the first stupid thing I’ve done,” South joked.

With a bit of a smile, Kai punched South’s shoulder hard. “Well, don’t die. I’d like the honor of being the last stupid thing you do.”

South’s mouth dropped open and she felt her face light up, but her brain -- outside of Theta’s laughter -- had stopped for all intents and purposes. She shook herself from head to toe before walking toward the transporter. “O-okay then.”

Grif just looked back and forth between his sister and South. “What the fuck just happened?”

“I don’t know, but I liked it,” Donut cheered.